#deleting as many of the First and Second Doctor's adventures as they could find

[lurking-latinist]

This is what I'm reading for my dissertation right now:

Meanwhile in the other tab the thing I am reading for fun is Unnatural History. I am a caricature of myself.

[possiblyimbiassed]

John’s “therapeutic” blog

I’ve been fascinated by the wealth of content in John Watson’s blog since I first noticed it; I think it was some time after S2. For being a complementary work to a TV show, it’s surprisingly well crafted and packed with information. Joe Lidster, who has written the fictional blogs and websites of John, Sherlock, Molly and Connie Prince, is a screenwriter who has been working also with Doctor Who and its spinoff Torchwood.

Unlike the rest of the content within the BBC Sherlock franchise, for example the online game ”Sherlock the Network”, the escape room “The Game is Now” or the book “Sherlock Chronicles”, John’s blog is fully available online for free, you don’t even have to register anywhere. And unlike the other blogs of the franchise (Molly’s and Connie Prince’s blogs and Sherlock’s website), John’s blog is lengthy and has a lot of posts in it. It gives us background and explanations of cases that aren’t mentioned in the show, or only referred to, and I also think it provides a “second opinion” of what we see in the show. It’s a bit like what John says in TLD:

It certainly seems like this blog has been created as a special little treat for the fans, since most of the casual viewers of the show probably don’t even know it exists ‘IRL’. But I think the blog is much more than that; partly because it’s so heavily referenced in the show – with frequent, accurate and exact pictures of it (at least until S4) – and partly because it tells us so much about John’s character. I think John’s blog is significant and important in trying to analyse BBC Sherlock. And maybe the version of John we see in the show will actually get more nuances to it if we look at the blog, which is expressly written by John himself?

More under the cut.

As some of you might know, I’ve written a meta series (X) where I try to explore the idea (originally from @raggedyblue​) that the blog describes the ‘real’ events in John’s and Sherlock’s life more accurately than the show, and that what we see in the show up until HLV is Sherlock reminiscing their life together while reading up on the blog. In my view, the show might be Sherlock’s embellished and dramatized version of the events - ironically a bit similar to what Sherlock usually accuses John of doing in both Doyle’s canon and on the blog. But I find the blog’s writing style far more prosaic than the show, and also more prosaic than Watson’s stories in ACD canon; in BBC Sherlock the roles might have been inverted compared to canon. 

An example of this would be the scene in TEH (which I talked about in this meta over a year ago) where Mary is (supposedly) reading the following un-published post directly from John’s blog editor:

“His movements were so silent. So furtive, he reminded me of a trained bloodhound picking out a scent. I couldn’t help thinking what an amazing criminal he’d make if he turned his talents against the law.”

Something doesn’t seem quite right here, though. While the rest of the post is text from another, already published, post (The Speckled Blond), this first part is taken almost verbatim from ACD’s story The Sign of Four (SIGN). It describes a crime scene where Holmes has just “whipped out his lens and a tape measure and hurried about the room on his knees, measuring, comparing, examining, with his long thin nose only a few inches from the planks and his beady eyes gleaming and deep-set like those of a bird”. I see a big style difference between this and the rest of John’s blog. Since the quote above never appears on the ‘IRL’ blog, I’d rather believe that in BBC Sherlock this is merely wishful thinking from Sherlock that happens inside his Drama Queen Mind Palace. This impressive description is, I think, what he would truly wish that John had written. ;)

I also suspect that the continuing references to different blog posts in S4 are all made up in Sherlock’s mind, since John’s blog ‘IRL’ stopped updating after TSoT, when Sherlock hacked it and took over the storytelling.

Be that as it may, this meta is a reflection upon what John Watson’s famous blog actually might stand for, and what I believe it tells us about his character. In these months of quarantine, I’ve been passing the time by reading through the whole online version of the blog and taking notes of it.

Therapeutic origin

It seems like the initiative for John to start a blog came from Ella Thompson, his therapist. I believe Ella’s initial idea was therapeutic; if it was almost impossible for John to talk to her about his feelings and inner problems in their sessions, she might have found it difficult to help him. Therefore she suggested that he write it all down on his own instead. And if Ella could persuade him to talk about his life on an online blog, she would also be able to read it.

Of course this wouldn’t be the same as if John told her about his inner reflections in confidence, in a real therapy session, but maybe the blog would give him an incentive to talk about his life at all. And you have to start somewhere.

At the end of TST we see Sherlock visit Ella, but when she asks him to “open up completely” he refuses. 

If S4 is happening inside Sherlock’s head (as I believe it is), this might have been Sherlock’s way of trying to psychoanalyse John, to ‘solve John’s case’, by envisioning the therapy situation in his mind palace. A well-known method of Sherlock Holmes is that he tries to put himself in the other person’s place and think about what his own response would have been to the situation. In ACD’s  story The Musgrave Ritual (MUSG), Holmes says: “You know my methods in such cases, Watson. I put myself in the man’s place, and, having first gauged his intelligence, I try to imagine how I should myself have proceeded under the same circumstances.”

Which is also evidence that the character of Sherlock Holmes does indeed not lack empathetic capacity. Also in the show, John’s assertion that Sherlock “doesn’t feel things that way” etc. is basically BS in my opinion. The problem is that John refuses to see this.

John’s state of mind before Sherlock

John’s first three blog posts (in the middle of December - January) seem to completely lack motivation.

And this is maybe what one could expect from the deeply depressed John (as he appears in the beginning of the show), isn’t it? No surprises there.

Everything seems meaningless, and John only makes two attempts at blog posts to comply with Ella’s recommendations, but he doesn’t actually write anything in them. After the second attempt his old army friend Bill Murray tries to contact him, but John seems to have cut off his ties with the rest of the world; he doesn’t answer the comment.

At the third attempt over a month later, John seems to want to delete the blog he has started, but lacks the technical knowledge to do so. The fourth attempt is just a snide comment to Ella:

She doesn’t respond, however (not very surprisingly perhaps). Instead, John’s sister Harry discovers the blog and tries out this means of communicating with him. But John ignores her.

But at the fifth attempt at least John has gone out with some friends and describes it – almost bitterly. Sadly, it also seems like John met up with them mainly to avoid his therapy session with Ella.

So, the problem is that whatever Ella may have thought that the blog would mean for John’s healing, I think she aimed well but unfortunately missed the target. John Watson does not ‘open up’ himself on the blog. When he finally starts to really write - after he met Sherlock - it’s not actually about him (supposedly); it’s all about Sherlock. Basically, John goes directly from ‘Nothing happens to me‘ to ‘Sherlock happens to me‘.

What the blog tells us about John ‘after Sherlock’

John’s blog may be all about Sherlock, but there isn’t actually that much praise for Sherlock in the blog posts as one might think. My impression is that John applies his (perhaps somewhat overestimated) writing skills to project his own failures and self-loathing on his closest friend. More than anything else, I think the blog is John’s emotional outlet for his frustration over his unsatisfactory relationship with Sherlock and his own inability to improve it. Instead of trying to actually talk to Sherlock, he uses the blog to vent his frustrations over Sherlock, speculating wildly about what he believes Sherlock is thinking and feeling.

The stories and adventures are thrilling and entertaining, yes. But his assessments of Sherlock’s character are really not very uplifting. John doesn’t strike me as an ‘analytic’ person, which in this case means that John’s theories about Sherlock are rather based on his personal emotions than logical conclusions. It’s sometimes even a bit difficult to follow the chain of events in John’s posts, because it’s usually so intertwined with his gossipy and out-of-context comments about Sherlock’s personality.

Unfortunately, Sherlock doesn’t seem to realise this projection, and neither do we see him address the issue of John’s misconceptions about him. I believe Sherlock takes many of John’s jibes and insults at him at face value, which – sadly - only adds on to his own self-loathing. I also think that Sherlock trying to draw conclusions about his mysterious friend through the written blog might be a mistake; it may eventually tell him a lot about John’s problems, but to see these he needs to look behind all the cover-up of blatant criticism of him, Sherlock. Maybe that’s what Sherlock’s trying to do in S4, by setting up scenarios in his mind palace?

Judging by how John comes across on the blog – and in the show – I think Sherlock’s claim “You’re abnormally drawn to dangerous people and places” in HLV is a perfectly sound analysis - on the surface. However, I think one must read between the blog lines in order to see other possible motives for John wanting to hang out with Sherlock. Reading John’s posts textually, he gives a strong impression that he’s there for the adventures; when there is danger in the air, John’s never bored.

In the comment section Sherlock never mentions John’s evaluation of his character. Instead he repeatedly criticises John’s writing style. I get the impression that this is Sherlock’s subtle way of getting back at John without having to directly address John’s misconceptions about him. As I said above, I think John’s writing style is very different from Watson’s style in canon; far less respect for Sherlock and a far more prosaic and simple language. Canons Watson seems careful not to speculate much, while John does this all the time.

Examples that form a pattern

There’s a good deal of praise of Sherlock in John’s posts, but it has almost exclusively to do with his admiration for Sherlock’s intellectual capacity; he’s repeatedly described as ‘clever’ and after the Fall, John claims that “nobody ever really outwitted Sherlock”. But in fact, I’ve found very few blog posts where John doesn’t also criticise or complain about Sherlock in some way or another. And there are only two posts (out of a total of 45) where John says something positive about Sherlock’s character:

1. After their first meeting he calls Sherlock “strangely likeable” and “charming”.

2. In what John meant to be his last post ever (he believed Sherlock was dead), he calls Sherlock “funny”, “charming” and “everything a good person should be”.

On the other hand, there seems to be nothing in John’s own (supposed) opinions about Sherlock that he regards as too negative or inappropriate to publish online. I very much think this is about self-loathing; he projects his own shortcomings on his “psychopath” friend and flatmate. Like it’s always a relief to have a scapegoat. An additional explanation might be that if John is closeted and in public denial about any romantic feelings for Sherlock, this makes him not want to appear too ‘besotted’ on the blog. ;) Thus, he might believe he needs to compensate the praise with criticism. Problem is, with this contradictory approach the readers might ask: What is John’s actual relationship to Sherlock? Handler? Hostage? Lover? Concerned citizen? It’s hard to claim he’s a ‘real’, professional colleague, since John’s actual profession is a medical doctor. But why would John be friends with a psychopath? 

To seriously claim that his best friend is a psychopath seems perfectly OK to John, though – he does it repeatedly, and quotes Donovan’s claim that Sherlock “gets off on it”. At the end of A Study in Pink, John talks about Sherlock and the serial killer as if they were both psychopaths, one undistinguishable from the other:

“The taxi driver drove him to a college of further education so they could both educate each other on - well, on how their minds worked, I guess. It's not something I'll ever really understand and, to be honest, I'm not sure I ever want to understand it. To be that much of a psychopath. To be that above the rest of us.”

John even seems to pretend to prefer ignorance to understanding, only to find one more opportunity to blame Sherlock. Here are some examples of other things John calls Sherlock publicly on the Internet:

Arrogant 

Rude

Imperious

Pompous

Madman

Freak

Childish and

Not safe. 

He also says on the blog that Sherlock is spectacularly ignorant about some things, like the solar system. 

Little Freudian slips

In the post titled The Speckled Blonde 

(which is basically a re-count of canon’s The Speckled Band - SPEC) John’s closet angst reaches new heights:

Apparently John finds it important to preventively point out to his readers that he was not sharing a bed with Sherlock. Or, actually, that he even preferred sleeping on the floor before sharing a bed with his flatmate. The thing is, however, that the information that they spent the night in Julias bedroom isn’t at all necessary for the story, since - unlike in ACD Canon - nothing of importance apparently happened during that night. John actually tells us nothing about the night as such. The only ‘feature of interest’ is that Sherlock found a suspect bottle of bubble bath on the victim’s night table, which he took to Barts for analysis (and he was right - the bath had killed Julia by poisoning). Obviously, John could have described this crime scene investigation entirely without mentioning that they had spent the night there. So, if this little morsel of information was so embarrassing for him, why did he even include it? Hmm... 

In my biased mind, I can only think of two alternative explanations (not mutually exclusive, though): 1. John had spent so much fantasies and subconscious energy on reliving this night that he just couldn’t keep this info entirely to himself (Freudian slip), or 2. Something actually happened that night - something that had no bearing on the case. After all, John never says that he slept on the floor, only that he was going to sleep on it. ;) 

Speaking of bubble bath, I find the fact that Julia died from it slightly suggestive, and even metaphorical, as such. Because there’s also another case on John’s blog describing someone dying in a bath: The Deadly Tealights. The victim suffocated in a bathroom where the candles consumed all the oxygen. John has included this little comment:

Why does John bring up the idea that a person taking a bath with candles would potentially be judged? What has his own bath routines to do with the crime case? Does the victim really need John to find excuses for his private life? Methinks this rather might be John’s closet angst speaking again. Someone has tried to belittle John for liking baths, and apparently John seizes the opportunity to vent about it on the blog. Metaphorically, this tells me that the closet is suffocating for John, and that the ‘chemistry of love’ is involved.  

John - The Moral Compass

John is often referred to as the part of the duo who a) is more sociable and b) works like a sort of moral guide to Sherlock. The detective, on the other hand, is shown as a “sociopath” who supposedly doesn’t understand this kind of things. And – to be honest – Sherlock doesn’t actively say much to contradict this perception; sometimes he even appears to agree with it.

(I think his actions should be a clue to the contrary, though).

According to the blog, John seems to believe he himself is the adult one in this acquaintance, the one who does understand the rules of society. He repeatedly calls Sherlock “childish”. Judging by John’s descriptions in the blog, one might almost think that John had been forced to hang out with Sherlock, trying to do the best of it. But seeing as it’s entirely voluntarily it’s a bit hard to understand, for example, how John can blame Sherlock for “leaving me and Sarah to be kidnapped” in The Blind Banker:

John makes is sound like Sherlock left them to the enemy deliberately, knowing that someone would come after them. But weren’t they at home, supposedly on a date? If John didn’t like it, couldn’t he have left any moment and gone out to continue the date he was supposed to? But no; John counts himself among the innocent persons whom Sherlock “involves in his adventures”:

After reading the whole of John’s blog, all I can say is that this guy is a living, breathing contradiction. How can he be Sherlock’s moral compass if his needle is spinning all the time? :))

In The Great Game John describes himself as just a “pawn” in Sherlock’s and the killer’s great game, equalling himself with the other victims. With his insinuations, he indirectly blames Sherlock for the death of 12 people and goes back to Sally Donovan’s “freak” accusations:

Another interesting bit is this, describing Sherlock’s reaction at the pool, when John for a moment appeared to be behind everything: “I should have been horrified that he'd even doubt me for a second…” Wait – what!? John is capable of telling the whole world the most damning rubbish about his friend, but if Sherlock for any second doubted John, he’d be horrified? This part is also of interest: “But the laser sight simply moved to Sherlock's head and I was forced to let go. For a second, I wondered if Sherlock would have done the same for me but then all I knew for certain was, at that moment, I knew I was going to die.”

Before that, John had just described what could easily be interpreted as Sherlock calmly trying to talk Moriarty out of having John killed, but to John this was just “The two men talked, both clearly pleased to…”.  In John’s view, he was the only one who was forced to let go of the killer because of the threat to Sherlock. Honestly, who is it, between the two of them, that most appears to lack empathetic capacity?

Creds and Competence

John appears to be a rather honest, humble and straightforward in the show, quite competent in his medical profession, and in TSoT he is highly praised by Sherlock:

But on the blog John is more ambiguous, and he isn’t always modest. Sometimes he appears to enhance his own role in the crime solving and take credit also for things that are clearly Sherlock’s doing. For example, in The Great Game there’s this: 

“Between us, we worked out that while Connie's death had been made to look like the result of a tetanus infection, it had actually been caused by poison - their houseboy, â–“â–“â–“â–“â–“, had overdosed her on Botox!”

But if we’re supposed to believe the show, John actually believed it was a tetanus infection, while Sherlock deduced and later demonstrated poison:

John also expresses a slightly childish vindictiveness in making a lot of fuss about Sherlock’s failures; every single time Sherlock can’t solve a case, John points it out on the blog with glee. It almost gives me the impression that the doctor is suffering from inferiority complex. He even uses  “Sherlock Holmes Baffled“ as a title for one of their cases.

This seems to be written in jest, since Sherlock frequently is rude about other people’s lower intellectual capacity, but actually hates ‘not knowing’. 

I admit that this may be funny to joke about once, but it gets a little tiresome that John has to point it out every time. Why does John even do this, even as Sherlock has explicitly asked him to not publish the unsolved cases? Which I assume would not be good for their business? 

If John truly is Sherlock’s colleague, wouldn’t he also be more interested in helping to solve the cases, rather than talk about the failures? It seems to me that John is struggling so hard against his own feelings for Sherlock that he feels the need to provoke rather than help him.

The Most Inhuman Human

Sherlock’s supposed lack of humanity is a recurring theme for John; he claims that “people” want to know that Sherlock is human, as if anyone - on the blog or in the show - except John had ever questioned this. 

I can’t remember anyone on the blog except John showing an interest in this issue, though. In the post Many Happy Returns he writes this (my bolding): 

“Yet the video... it showed the other side to him. He was rude, yeah. Arrogant. Apparently lacking in anything resembling empathy. But I'd forgotten just how funny he could be. He was so charming. So... human. It's bizarre because most people would say he was the most inhuman person they'd ever met. But he wasn't.”

He wasn’t? Wow - great revelation, John! [sarcasm :)]. But who said that, actually? Not even the haters and trolls on John’s blog ever claimed Sherlock was inhuman. It’s one thing that Donovan and Anderson called him a freak and a psychopath, but John is the only character I can think of who has ever implied that Sherlock would not be a human being. Only John calls him a ‘machine’. Which is a load of BS of course; John really doesn’t strike me as a professional doctor when he says this, even less as a friend - always trying to mark the distance.

So what’s Sherlock’s ‘complete lack of empathy’ in that video actually about (mini-episode here)? Was it because he didn’t want to go to a birthday dinner with people? Hardly - John seems to understand this about Sherlock. Or was it maybe because of his comment: “How can John be having a birthday dinner? All his friends hate him!” Well, this probably hurt a bit (even if I rather think he sounds bitter and jealous - he wants John for himself ;) ). On the other hand, Sherlock then backtracks and seems to regret his little outburst:

Mary’s role in John’s life

The blog is where Mary Morstan appears to be introduced to John; on John’s first blog post about at least a year after Sherlock’s ‘death’, she suddenly just shows up in the comment section, sending him kisses and inviting him out:

John ignores her, though, and when his sister asks him who Mary is, he doesn’t answer. Mary seems to hang in there, however, and the next time she appears is on the Deadly Tealights post (the one with the dead flatmate in the suffocating closet bathroom). And now she’s called Mary Morstan. Next time is The Inexplicable Matchbox. Both times her only comment is ‘ignore the trolls’. John rather seems to ignore her, though. Finally, he finishes his Many Happy Returns post (which was supposed to be his last) with saying that he has now “found someone” (without naming them) and should concentrate on that. 

All this is a little bit weird, though, considering Mary’s comment in TEH, when she is logged in and reading aloud from the editor of John’s blog: “The famous blog, finally!” As if she hadn’t already read all his posts and tried to interact with him on the blog? Hmm. 

In the show Mary just seems to come from out of nowhere, suddenly showing up in the graveyard holding hands with John. 

Her anonymity reminds me of Doyle’s treatment of Mary in canon, where she’s only mentioned by name when she’s still a client, before she marries Watson.

On the blog Mary is not mentioned by name until over a year after John met her, in spite of her presence in the comment section long before that. And it’s not until John’s first post after Sherlock’s return - The Empty Hearse - that John says something appreciative of her. Suddenly she is (still without name) "...the best thing that's ever happened to me. Sorry, Sherlock :)”. For the rest of the blog posts, John’s (very scarce) answers to Mary’s comments are never flirty or appreciative in the least. Mary’s own last comment, on the very last post - this time written by Sherlock who hacked the blog after John’s and Mary’s wedding - is this: “SHERLOCK! SHUT UP NOW!”

None of this gives me the impression that John has fallen in love with Mary. The silence with which he treats Mary on the blog rather makes me think of her as someone basically not very important; a sort of substitute in a desperate attempt to fill an emptiness in his life. And I think it might be significant that as soon as John recognises the existence of Mary in his life, he seems to use her as a sort of buffer towards Sherlock. A façade. First it’s the gleeful “Sorry Sherlock :)” comment above. Vindictive, it appears. And then, in the post Happily Ever After, John insists that his and Mary’s impending (heterosexual) marriage must clearly be the reason why Sherlock chose to help a gay couple getting together, one of them leaving an abusive marriage which was basically a façade. This whole ‘conclusion’ is so stupid that I’m rendered speechless.

Summary

To summarise - for those of you with enough patience to have followed all my ramblings in this marathon meta - I think the picture of John’s character that we can discern from reading up on the whole of his blog possibly tells us even more about him than the show. If the show reflects Sherlock’s mind, albeit almost entirely focused on his own perception of John Watson, this blog might actually give more insight into how John’s own mind works. I think it shows us someone who is struggling desperately with his own feelings. Someone who is trying to mark a distance that he believes is healthy for him, but that he actually doesn’t want, towards the object of his affection, by criticising them. The full-fledged, living, breathing contradiction that is John Watson comes to its full right by the blog. We could almost say he’s ‘human’ :). Kudos to Joe Lidster and the other showmakers for providing us with this gem.

Tagging some people who might be interested: @raggedyblue​ @ebaeschnbliah​ @gosherlocked​ @sagestreet​ @sarahthecoat​  @tjlcisthenewsexy​​  @elldotsee​​ @88thparallel​​  @sherlock-overflow-error​​  @yeah-oh-shit​

[altamont498]

Fic Questionnaire

I was tagged by @yoshi-g-teh-first, thanks so much for that!

I can't think of anyone to tag off the top of my head, so I'll just leave this open to anyone who wants to do it.

Let's get this started...

SHow many works do you have on AO3?

21, as of today.

What's your total AO3 word count?

129,012 as of today (19/08/2021)

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Sherlock Holmes (ACD canon), Ace Attorney, The Great Ace Attorney, Yuri on Ice and The God of High School. So 6 total.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Nirvana - [Ryunosuke Naruhodo/Kazuma Asogi] - The Great Ace Attorney

2. In The Morning - [Ryunosuke Naruhodo/Kazuma Asogi] - The Great Ace Attorney

3. Yuuri Katsuki's Secret Fanfiction - [Yuuri Katsuki/Viktor Nikiforov] - Yuri On Ice

4. Onsen - [Ryunosuke Naruhodo/Kazuma Asogi] - The Great Ace Attorney

5. First Name Terms - [Ryunosuke Naruhodo/Kazuma Asogi] - The Great Ace Attorney

So yeah, quite a lot of AsoRyu fics.

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes, every time, because if people took the time to write to me to show appreciation for my fic then they deserve appreciation back.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I don't really "do" angst, so this one is just N/A.

Have you ever recieved hate on a fic?

Not that I'm aware of. But then again, I'm a firm believer in the mantra of "Don't Like; Don't Read" which I chant quite often so it seems to have rubbed off on quite a few readers.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do write smut. I don't often publish the very explicit stuff (I've some more explicit stuff on @reds-self-shipsafterdark for the self shipping end of things) but I do have some published.

Also there's some implied stuff floating about in my fics.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, and I hope I never have.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but if anyone wants to translate a fic of mine, do let me know and I can help with implied meanings to make sure puns/names/etc. carry across properly.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I'd love to team up with someone some day to write one if I could find the time and I could get along well enough with someone's line-of-thought to make sure it turned out as planned.

What's your all time favourite ship?

Well I do self ship over on @reds-self-ships so I'd have to say my own TBH. Excluding that, I'd say it's a tie between Yuuri Katsuki/Viktor Nikiforov (Viktuuri) and Kazuma Asogi/Ryunosuke Naruhodo (Asoryu).

What's a WIP you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Probably A Turnabout of Identity. It's been so long and it kind of fizzled out towards the end. I'll probably orphan it some of these days tbh.

What are your writing strengths?

Apparently I'm good at writing characters in-character and being able to capture their movements, lines of thought, etc. and carry it across.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I avoid it where possible, but when I do I make sure it's a reliable translation and that I avoid Poirot speak/Wapanese.

I.e. "Konnichiwa! I'm a person from Nippon. You can tell because I say something Nihongo every san seconds! It's so kawaii!"

Also I make sure to provide translations at some point as a footnote or whatever and I avoid anything that isn't the Latin alphabet because I know that sometimes random symbols can be inaccurate (e.g. kanji) or people can't read/interpret them.

What was the first fandom you've ever written for?

I believe it may well have been Club Penguin or Wizard101. All traces thereof would be considered long lost and long-since-deleted though.

What's your favourite fic you've ever written?

Probably my ongoing fic over on @reds-self-ships even if it isn't an AO3 fic specifically. The Adventure of the Detection Club is currently allowing me to poke fun at loads of famous crime novelists even if it isn't direct.

And for something AO3 specific, I'd say probably The Adventure of the Doctor's Deduction because it references an old Sherlock Holmes story and allows Sholmes and [REDACTED FOR TGAA 2 SPOILERS] to enjoy some development as well as just having a laugh in general.

[linskywords]

criminal-minds-fanfiction wrote a bunch of questions for authors that you’re supposed to let people ask you, buuuut I felt like answering all of them instead of doing my actual job this afternoon. 😄 Here we go:

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fanfiction?

Like 25 maybe? I started writing about a year after I started reading it. I had a fanfiction-deprived adolescence, y’all.

2) What fandoms do you write for and do you have a particular favourite if you write for more than one?

The hockey boys pulled me in years ago and they haven’t let me go. I do sometimes write other things: I almost always participate in Yuletide, and I’ve actually written a bunch of Animorphs fic under a different name (ask me if you want to see it!). Mostly hockey RPF, though.

3) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

Haha neither. Well, I guess OC’s, if I had to choose -- I don’t read or write reader inserts. But I tend to keep OC’s for original fiction.

4) What is your favourite genre to write for?

I was very confused about fic having genres before I realized this was probably referring to the genre of the canon works. Um...sports. :D

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

Don’t make me choose my favorite child. Um, probably the first wolfverse story -- I don’t know if it’s the best one, but I’m very grateful to it for starting the ‘verse!

6) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

None of them, if that’s an option. If I really had to choose...probably the Kirk/Spock fic I never finished even after uploading it to AO3 and promising to finish it this time. I still want to finish it!! But it would be the first to go.

7) When is your preferred time to write?

I don’t have a strong preference. Afternoon/evening. I like having multi-hour blocks, and I use the Forest app to keep me off my phone while I do it.

8) Where do you take your inspiration from?

Plot bunnies come from all over the place: random thoughts, memes, real-life conversations, suggestions from other fandom people. I tend to have a pretty strong “THIS IS A STORY I WANT TO WRITE” response when something grabs me the right way.

9) In your xxx fic, what’s your favourite scene that you wrote?

Haha this is probably why I’m not supposed to just answer all of these in order. XD I’ll answer for my current WIP: the scene where Geno kisses Sid for the first time. So soft. So angsty. 😈 (My own story has cursed me to love Geno. I am doomed.)

10) In your xxx fic, why did you decide to end it like that? Did you have an alternative ending in mind?

In general: I know how my stories are going to end when they start. Sometimes it does evolve a bit as I write. One thing I’d like to play with is including more of the main characters being together at the end of the story, instead of ending it at the moment when they get together; the latter makes sense from a tension perspective, but I’ve been finding when I read lately that I want more of the happy times at the end, so I’m going to try to move in that direction.

11) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Only for typos, I think.

12) Who is your favourite character to write for? Why?

Ooooh. Either Patrick Kane or Jonathan Toews. There’s something so compelling to me about Patrick’s fanon voice. And every love interest in every original story I try to write is Jonny.

13) Who is your least favourite character to write for? Why?

I...don’t really write about characters I don’t like? I wish Auston Matthews would shave his mustache.

14) How did you come up with the title for the xxx? - You can ask about multiple stories.

About fifty percent of the titles I come up with are desperate scrambles because I’ve got nothing. The other fifty percent I have a perfect song lyric for from the start.

15) If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

I only write OC’s in original fiction, but: I’ve been phonebanking lately, and I’ve been writing down all the good names I come across. The best so far is someone with the last name Quackenboss.

16) How did you come up with the idea for xxx?

MAGIC.

17) Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

Oh...oh no. Um.

“It doesn’t matter what he was thinking about. His knot popped; that’s the important thing.”

Some of you can probably guess what that’s about. :)

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

Mostly on my computer. I have a lot of beginnings of stories I haven’t finished yet; many of them I’ll probably go back to. I tend not to post things until I’m done or close to done with them. (That one Star Trek fic being an exception. Mea culpa.)

19) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

YES. The 1988 timer one and the 1988 story where Patrick’s a girl who sneaks onto the Blackhawks in disguise. I’d love to do a Bennguin version of both of those.

20) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

Hm. Some of them I think I rushed a little. More Than I Could Ever Promise, I think it needs a good old-fashioned battle scene in the mountains at the end to really round out the plot.

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Have I mentioned astolat? What, only two or three hundred times? I should mention her again, then. Give me that woman’s ability to plot. Inject it into my veins.

22) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Haha. I often have slightly cringy moments in my old stories. You Made My Life an Adventure, I definitely didn’t really know what I was doing yet...

23) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

I usually listen to music.

24) How do you feel about writing smutty scenes?

Turned on.

25) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

Yes. The sequel to My Heart Forgets to Beat.

26) Which part of your xxx fic was the hardest to write?

The Sid/Geno wolfverse story I’m working on now is maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever written. The language barrier is such a new challenge for me.

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

I don’t formally outline, but I tend to have a sense of the major plot beats. One reason I love writing fic is that the plot and world tend to be straightforward enough for that. I have a lot more trouble doing that with original fiction.

28) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction?

This will radically reduce the amount of time I spend writing original fiction.

29) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Like You Have a Secret I think is less read than some of the others because it’s het, but I really love it. Similarly, some of my stories that are inspired by other works (Tangled, Doctor Who, The Giver) tend to be read less because people think they need to know the source material, when really I deviate from the source material so much it’s not important.

30) In contrast to 29 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Huh. Probably not. I’m definitely surprised when some stories take off -- Kinda Narrows It Down I wrote pretty quickly, on a whim, and I was surprised by the extent to which it resonated with people. Turns out lots of people think Tyler was coming out in that tweet. XD

31) Send me a fic recommendation and I’ll post it for my followers to see! (The asker is to send the rec not the answerer)

Ooh. Ignoring the terms of this question, but: I just read this TK/Patty story and loooved it. It’s a different take on werewolves than the one I use in wolfverse, and it’s super compelling:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24029188

32) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Hahahahahaha. (I mean...less so than you might think.)

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

I absolutely love it when people write screaming flaily responses to my fic. Also anytime anyone says that they’ve been having a tough time and my story was exactly what they needed. Maybe my favorite was the responses to More Than I Could Ever Promise that told me it read like a novel; that meant a lot to me right then.

34) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

Fandom is amazing; people almost never give me concrit. I did have someone ask once if I randomly chose when to stop writing and just ended my stories there. I was pretty offended, since of course that’s not true at all, but I can see where they were coming from: my stories tend to wrap up after the characters get together, and sometimes there’s a lot of potential story left to tell at that point. But stories have to end sometime.

35) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

I tend to share them! I find other people’s enthusiasm to be strongly motivating, and sometimes people have awesome suggestions I wouldn’t have thought of.

36) Can you give us a spoiler for one of your WIP’s?

Well, I only have the one. XD Sid...is about to have an important conversation with Mario.

37) What’s the funniest story you’ve written?

Ooh, I’m not sure I’m the write person to answer! No idea, really. My recent TK/Patty is probably pretty funny. Or maybe Quality Time, where Patrick doesn’t understand why he keeps losing track of time when he’s cuddling with Jonny. Anything with a super dumb protagonist, probably.

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it.

Wow, I have no idea. I’ve never really written a story with someone, so I’m not sure how that would work. I want to say astolat again but honestly I’d be too intimidated.

...no, I’m gonna say astolat. Even if I made a fool of myself I think I would learn a ton.

39) Do you prefer first, second or third person?

Third. For some original stuff I like first person, but third feels right for the hockey boys.

40) Do people know you write fanfiction?

My close friends do. Most of my friends have the vague idea I write fic, but they don’t know my username or anything.

41) What’s you favourite minor character you’ve written?

Patrick Sharp. No question.

42) Song fic - What made you decide to use the song xxx for xxx.

I will legit listen to a new album with a doc open to write down promising lyrics. Titles are HARD, y’all.

43) Has anyone ever guessed the plot twist of one of your fics before you posted it?

I think people guessed where the Tangled fic was going. Though I also liked the guesses that it would be about Patrick’s mullet. XD I don’t really mind when people guess twists -- in the kind of story I write, it’s more about the experience of reading it than about surprise!

44) What is the last line you wrote?

“His parents have always been very respectful of any choices Sid’s wanted to make. They haven’t pried into his private life when he’s tried to set boundaries. But they’re wolves, and they know him a lot better than Jordy does. Sid isn’t going to be able to keep it a secret from them what he’s going through.”

...no guarantee it survives in that form. :D

45) What spurs you on during the writing process?

Getting the story out of my head and into reality! Spoon out that lake, baby.

I also do love the prospect of posting it for people to enjoy and respond to. It’s one of the reasons I find fic so much more rewarding than original fiction, where the timeline to a readership is so much longer.

46) I really loved your xxx fic. If you were ever to do a sequel, what do you think might happen in it?

Things, probably.

47) Here’s a fic title - insert a made up title. What would this story be about?

This exercise might be going off the rails a bit. (If anyone does want to pose this to me, feel free!)

48) What’s your favourite trope to write?

Ooh. Mutual pining. Friends to lovers. Werewolves. :D

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

The first fic I ever, ever read was a random Kirk/Spock one I found through google, and I was like “OMG IS THIS WHAT AROUSAL FEELS LIKE”

50) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

Oh man. Angst, as long as it can have a happy ending. But it just wouldn’t be the same without the smut.

[shawtygonemad]

What Is This Feeling: Chapter 7

Fem!9th Doctor x Male!Rose Tyler

WITF Masterlist

Through time and space once more, our extraordinary duo was off to have another adventure. The TARDIS sped through the time vortex.

"Where are we going?" Ross asked.

"The planet Panera. They have fantastic bread," the Doctor grinned at her companion.

The TARDIS suddenly switched course and jolted in the opposite direction. The Doctor examined the screen and tried to figure out what was going on. The ship finally materialized. The Doctor and Ross stepped out. It was a dimly lit area with carpeting and display cases. It looked like a museum.

"So, what is it? What's wrong," Ross instantly began to ask.

"Don't know. Some kind of signal drawing the TARDIS off course," the Doctor spoke as she looked around.

"Where are we?"

"Earth. Utah, North America. About half a mile underground," the Time Lord deduced.

"And when are we?"

"2012," she informed her friend as she began to inspect a case.

"God, that's so close. So I should be 26."

The Doctor found the light switch and flipped it on. The room and cases suddenly lit up.

"Blimey. It's a great big museum."

"An alien museum," she looked at the exhibits as she walked forward. "Someone's got a hobby." She shook her head.

"They must have spent a fortune on this. Chunks of meteorites, moon dust. That's the milometer from Roswell spaceship." She furrowed her eyebrows, confused.

"That's a bit of Slitheen!" Ross pointed to a Slitheen arm in one of the glass cases. "That's a Slitheen's arm. It's been stuffed."

The Doctor stopped in front of one of the cases. "Oh, look at you."

Ross walked behind the Doctor and looked over her shoulder. "What is it?"

'Delete…' she heard an echo in her mind.

"An old friend of mine. Well, enemy. Stuff of nightmares reduced to an exhibit. I'm getting old." She internally groaned.

"Is that where the signal's coming from," Ross asked.

"No, it's stone dead. The signal's alive, calling out for help."

The Doctor reached out her fingers, and lightly brushed the glass. Alarms suddenly blared from all around. The pair slightly jumped at the sudden noise. The Time Lord mentally kicked herself. She should have been more careful. Before they could make it to the TARDIS they were cut off and surrounded by guards. The guards were armed and aiming at them.

"If someone's collecting aliens, that makes you exhibit A," Ross nervously joked.

The two of them were escorted by the armed guards up many levels, and throughout the complex. The journey was mostly silent. Ross stayed close by her side, however. Finally they were led into their destination. An office full of over confident Americans.

The man sitting at the desk seemed to be the one behind the complex. He was being showed their recent purchase. It was a musical instrument. They did not know it, and looked completely daft whilst holding it.

"You really wouldn't hold it like that," she almost laughed at how stupid he looked.

"Shut it," she was yelled at.

"Really though, it's wrong," she insisted.

"Is it dangerous?" A girl around Ross's age asked.

"No, it just looks silly," the Doctor smirked.

She reached for the item. Firing bolts clicked all around her. She stopped. The man behind the desk curiously looked at her, and handed over the curved palm sized object.

"You just need to be-"she stroked the instrument softly, and out rang a beautiful sound. "Delicate." To prove her point, she played several different notes.

"It's a musical instrument," the man said, fascinated.

"And it's a long way from home," the Doctor commented.

"Here, let me," the man took the instrument from her hands.

She raised her eyebrows. That was rude. The man proceeded to touch it harder, causing no noise to come out.

"I did say delicate. It reacts to the smallest fingerprint. It needs precision," she once again informed him.

Once he finally got the hang of it and produced music, she smiled.

"Very good. Quite the expert," she complimented.

"As are you," he said before tossing the object on the floor.

The Doctor's jaw dropped. That was almost two hundred years old! It was used to entertain kings and queens, and he just threw it away?! Who is this man?!

"Who are you, exactly?"

"I'm the Doctor. And you are?"

"Like you don't know. We're hidden away with the most valuable collection of extra-terrestrial artifacts in the world, and you just stumbled in by mistake?"

The Doctor laughed. "Pretty much sums me up, yeah."

The man slowly walked around his desk, and got closer to the Doctor.

"The question is, how did you get in? Fifty three floors down, with your cat burglar accomplice. You're quite an artifact yourself, being rather pretty."

"The cat burglar accomplice is going to smack you if you don't give the 'artifact' personal space," Ross shot off angrily. It shocked the Doctor a bit. It was the first time he was ever verbally protective of her.

"Oh, he's English too! Hey, little lady Fauntleroy. Got you a boyfriend."

"This is Mister Henry Van Statten," the girl introduced. She was the only English person, besides Ross, at the complex.

"Who is he at home?" Ross snidely remarked.

"Mister Van Statten owns the internet," she added.

"Don't be stupid. No one owns the internet," he jabbed again.

"And let's just keep letting the world think that, right kids," Van Statten remarked, smug.

"So you're just an expert in everything except the things in your museum. Anything you don't understand, you lock it up."

"And you claim greater knowledge?" Van Statten challenged.

"I don't need to make claims. I know how good I am," she shot back.

"And yet, I captured you. Right next to the cage. What were you doing down there?" He asked.

The Doctor placed her hands on her hips. "You tell me," she sassed.

"The cage contains my one living specimen."

"And what's that?"

"Like you don't know," Van Statten scoffed.

"Show me."

"You want to see it?" Van Statten once again challenged the Doctor.

"Blimey, do I need to separate you two?" Ross remarked, annoyed.

"Goddard, inform the cage we're heading down. You, English. Look after the boy. Go and canoodle or spoon or whatever it is you British do. And you, Doctor with no name, come and see my pet."

Van Statten stood in the elevator with a smirk on his face. The Doctor gave Ross a reassuring look before stepping on the lift next to the American. The ride down was quick and silent. Once they stepped out of the lift, the Doctor was led over toward a large metal door. Van Statten spoke as he unlocked and opened the large door.

"We've tried everything. The creature has shielded itself but there's a definite sign of life inside."

"Inside? Inside what?" The Doctor asked, curiously.

A man in an orange hazard suit walked over to Van Statten.

"Welcome back, Sir. I've had to take the power down. The Metaltron is resting."

"Metaltron?"

'What kind of dumb name is that?' She thought.

"I thought of it myself," Van Statten stated proudly.

'Of course.'

"Although I'd much to prefer to find out its real name."

"Here, you'd better put these on," the man in the hazard offered her rubber gloves. "The last guy that touched it burst into flames."

"I won't touch it then," she said like it was most obvious.

"Go on, Doctor. Impress me," Van Statten grinned at her.

The Doctor narrowed her eyes at him before strutting past, into the cage. It was very dark as she looked around. She jumped slightly as the door slammed shut behind her.

The Time Lord continued to investigate. She found a small table with drills, and other torture tools. Her heart instantly went out to the creature. She turned to where she assumed the 'Metaltron' was. She couldn't make it out. The room was too dark.

"Look, I'm sorry about this. Mister Van Statten might think he's clever, but never mind him. I've come to help. I'm the Doctor."

A few seconds of silence passed before a blue light was seen. When the Metaltron spoke, two white lights flashed with its words.

"Doc-tor?"

The Doctor's eyes widened, and her hearts stopped. No! This can't happen. It's-

"Impossible," she managed to breathe out.

"The Doc-tor?" The Metaltron spoke with more confidence this time.

The lights came up to reveal a Dalek. The Doctor's worst enemy. And it was chained to the floor. This didn't stop the Doctor from crying out in fear.

"Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-ate!"

The Time Lord flung herself onto the door and started to pound her fists.

"Let me out," she practically screamed.

"Ex-ter-min-ate!"

The door wouldn't open. The Doctor took a step back and just stared at the monstrosity. Her entire body was quivering. Her hearts were pounding hard into her chest.

"You are an en-e-my of the Da-leks! You must be des-troyed!"

The Doctor closed her eyes and awaited death. This was it. This was how she would finally die after nine hundred years. Maybe it was her time. Suddenly she accepted her fate. She never realized until now that she was ready to go.

After a few seconds without pain, she opened her eyes. She was alive! Yet a small part inside of her was disappointed. That part was overshadowed by the sickening joy she suddenly felt over her enemy.

"It's not working." She started to laugh like she's gone mad. "Fantastic! Oh, Fantastic! Powerless! Look at you. The great space dustbin. How does it feel?"

The Dalek tried to roll backwards, but was stopped by the chains.

"Keep back!" It demanded.

"What for?" She launched herself forward and became face to eyestock with the Dalek. "What're you going to do to me?" She challenged.

The Doctor, bottled with rage, began to circle the creature. Like a lion hunting its prey. She wanted to intimidate it.

"If you can't kill, then what are you good for, Dalek? What's the point of you? You're nothing!"

The Gallifreyan finally stopped back in front of the Dalek.

"What the hell are you here for?"

"I am a-wait-ing or-ders!" It responded to her.

"What does that mean?"

"I am a sold-ier. I was bred to rec-ieve or-ders."

"Well you're never going to get any. Your race is dead!" She yelled at it. "You all burnt, all of you. Ten million ships on fire. The entire race wiped out in one second."

"You lie!"

"I watched it happen. I made it happen," she spoke maliciously.

"You des-troyed us?" It asked, almost sounding heartbroken.

The alien stopped and calmed down a bit. She turned away from the Dalek in guilt. Their race wasn't the only one she destroyed that day.

"I had no choice," she responded quietly.

"And what of the Ti-me Lo-rds?"

"Dead." She managed to choke out. "They burned with you. The end of the last great Time War. Everyone lost."

"And the coward survived."

This fueled her rage once more. However, she managed to keep it under control.

"Oh, and I caught your little signal. Help me. Poor little thing. But there's no one else coming 'cause there's no one else left."

"I am a-lone in the un-i-verse," it almost sounded defeated.

"Yep."

"So are you. We are the same."

The Doctor spun around, no longer able to hold her anger.

"We're not the same! I'm not-"she paused as a cruel thought crossed her mind. "No, wait. Maybe we are. You're right. Yeah, okay. You've got a point. 'Cause I know what to do. I know what should happen. I know what you deserve." She grinned sickeningly.

"Exterminate."

With that the Doctor pulled a lever on a nearby console. The Dalek lit up with electricity. It began to scream, and she just watched.

"Have pity!" It cried out.

"Why should I? You never did." She pulled another lever, and increased the electricity.

"Help me!"

Suddenly the door opened and guards flooded in. She launched herself towards the last lever. No! This was her only chance to kill it! She was suddenly yanked away from the panel and was practically carried out of the cage.

"No! You've got to destroy it!" She yelled.

The Doctor ripped herself away from the guards once outside the cage. She frowned deeply as she waited for Van Statten to leave the cage. She was very cross with the American man. Once he left the cage they were guided towards the lift.

"The metal's just an armor. The real Dalek creature's inside," she explained to Van Statten.

"What's it look like?" he asked.

"A nightmare. It's a mutation. The Dalek race was genetically engineered. Every single emotion was removed except hate," she tried to explain to them. These stupid little apes weren't getting the big picture!

"Genetically engineered," he spoke as if it were Christmas. "By whom?"

"By a genius, Van Statten," she was starting to get stressed out. "By a man who was king of his own little world. You'd like him."

Van Statten's assistant Goddard decided to butt herself in.

"It's been on Earth for over fifty years. Sold at private auction, moving from one collection to another. Why would it be a threat now?" she asked.

"Because I'm here." How many times does she have to explain it? "How did it get to Earth? Does anyone know?"

"The records say it came from the sky like a meteorite. It fell on Earth on the Ascension Islands. Burnt in its crater for three days before anyone could get near it and all that time it was screaming. It must have gone insane," Goddard spoke in a superior tone.

The Doctor stood for a moment and thought. "It must of fallen through time. The only survivor."

"You talked about war," the human female asked.

"The Time War. The final battle between my people and the Dalek race."

"But you survived, too," Van Statten said with a devilish smile on his face.

"Not by choice," The Doctor added grimly.

"This means the Dalek isn't the only alien on Earth. Doctor, there's you. The only one of your kind in existence."

Just as the doors opened, the Doctor was once again grabbed. She struggled against their grip as they led her into her own cage.

"Any type of exposed metal is going to affect the laser scanner," Van Statten smiled.

The Doctor ended up having to shed her boots, jacket, and top. She was able to keep her bra on because Van Statten claimed he was a 'gentleman'. So now that the Doctor was stripped, she got chained spread eagle in front of the scanner.

"Now, smile!" Van Statten said, cheerfully.

The Doctor bit her lip as a painful shock ran through her body from the laser.

"Two hearts! Binary Vascular System. Oh, I am so going to patent this," Van Statten said.

The Doctor glared at the man. "So that's your secret. You don't just collect this stuff, you scavenge it."

She shook her head in anger as Van Statten went on to say how he cured the common cold and was going to sell cures for every disease. The Doctor was getting frustrated.

"Do you know what a Dalek is, Van Statten? A Dalek is honest. That creature in your dungeon is better than you."

"In that case, I'll be true to myself and continue," Van Statten frowned.

"Listen to me! That thing downstairs is going to kill every last one of us!" She tried to get through to him.

"Nothing can escape the cage."

Van Statten turned the laser up a Koch and blasted the Doctor. She bit her lip harder as she tried to endure the pain. Once the laser stopped, she attempted to catch her breath and speak.

"But it's woken up! It knows I'm here. It's going to get out. Van Statten, I swear, no one in this base is safe. No one on this planet!"

He turned the laser to its highest setting. It once again blasted the Doctor. This time around wasn't for informational purposes. He just wanted to hear her scream. And he did.

[nope-we-are-friends-now]

Soulmate AU

Reposted because I accidentally deleted it. 

Title: Traveled the Universe Just to Meet You.

Tenth Doctor x Gender Neutral Reader, featuring Donna Noble

A/N: This fic took three weeks in total to write; the first 3,600 words took two days to write and the last 700 words took two of the three weeks. hahahaha…….why?

Also, I wanted to add more like include adventures and develop the readers and the Doctors relationship but it was already too long. Thinking about writing a part 2 but I also have a few other fics I wanna write soo…

Word count: 5070

Soulmate. Someone who understands, believes in, and inspires you. Someone once a stranger becomes a person you can’t imagine live without.

As children, a soulmate’s presence isn’t all there. A numbness resides in the Soullux, the organ that handles feeling one’s soulmate. In childhood, it isn’t mature enough to project one’s soulmate emotions. But, every so often a child would feel something like a light breeze on a hot summer day. The phenomenal sensation of stretching after waking up. The feeling one gets after cleaning out their room.

You were a bit different from other children. See, you were born with Lonely Soul syndrome, a disease that affects one out of 14,530,000 people. Now, this syndrome doesn’t mean you don’t have a soulmate. You were born with your Soullux fully formed, meaning you constantly felt your soulmate. Doctors gave it such a saddening name because of the effects. Children suffering from this often are forced to mature earlier, they struggle with emotions, and experience periods of desolation. Doctors recommend therapy and if needed, medicine.

You were five when you went to your first soul therapy session. Your family didn’t think you needed it, seeing as you were a typical child. Happy some days, moody others, but they promised you a present after the appointment, so you went.

The therapist’s room was bright. There were small toys on small shelves, posters with words you couldn’t quite read, but knew you’ve seen before. On the ground was a rug with houses and roads on it, you thought it was cool.

The therapist walks into the room and smiles at you, “Did you find a toy you like, Y/n?” She asks, she only just told you her name, yet you forgot it and didn’t want to make her feel sad, so you didn’t ask. Instead, you nod and point at the Lego box sitting on the rug.

You were building a house when she speaks again, “how are you, Y/N?”

“I’m sad.” The therapist said earlier that you could talk to her about anything that was on your mind, so you did.

“Do you know why?” She’s sitting on the rug with you. It’s odd, adults don’t sit on the ground and they certainly don’t play with Legos. You decide she wasn’t an adult, just a big kid.

You’re not sure what to say so you let your mouth run, “My soulmate,” you begin. With the blue house finished, you start to reach for the Lego people, “isn’t an animal.”

She doesn’t say anything, but she does hand you the last Lego person. With the perfect amount of people around the house, you start to work on a car. Cars have always been difficult for you to build.

“It sucks. I heard that some people have animals as their soulmates and I was hoping I would too. But I don’t.” You huffed.

“Why would you want an animal as a soulmate?”

Shocked with disbelief you dropped a Lego piece. Maybe she really was an adult? “Because animals are cool. At first, I wanted them to be a horse, ‘cause that would be awesome, but then I realized that if they were a cat or dog then I could cuddle with them every night.” Excitement washes over you. Yet, when reality hits, you feel like the car you stopped building, unfinished and misshaped.  

“Well, who says you can’t cuddle with your soulmate?”

“Pets have fur. That means they’re always warm and soft. People don’t have fur.”

“Y/n,” She says softly, you like the sound of her voice. It’s not wheezy like your neighbor, Ms. Henson’s nor is it high-pitched like your babysitter. “Do you like to cuddle with from your family members?”

  “Yeah,”

“So, why do you think it’s different from your soulmate?”

Well, you think, my family always acts weird when I talk about them. You’re not sure why though, your soulmate feels like blowing dandelions and eating your favorite fruit. What could be so wrong about that? You don’t tell your therapist that though. “Maybe,” you start hesitantly, when she nods her head, you’re back to being excited, “maybe we could get a pet too? Then I could cuddle with both at the same time.”

“Maybe,” She agrees with you, “Y/n, that’s a lot of people at the blue house. Do you think we should build them another house?” Looking at the blue house you see the eight people surrounding it.

“No.”

  It happened after dinner. At first, you didn’t know what it was, you only knew it was something coming from your soulmate. Lately, your soulmate has been like an ocean, waves of strong emotions crash down on you. It leaves you wanting to crawl into bed and stay there all day. Every time it happens you could hear your family whispering through the door. You knew it wasn’t normal, but you couldn’t control it.

  You head to your room and shut the door. Everyone always found out when you have an ‘episode’, but sometimes you could hide how long it went on. You expected it to be the same as the other times. This, however, was nothing like you ever experienced before.  

It starts with a spicy taste in your mouth. A ringing in your ears. Underneath your skin, something wants liberation. You try to hold it in, but it burns.  

  You blink and the next thing you know your bedroom is a wreck.

On the floor near your desk was a torn paper with a smiley face. Bending down you picked up the paper to see that it was your math test. You had practice from the moment you came home until dinnertime for it. You didn’t ace it, but it was the highest grade you got so far, and you were so proud you put a smiley face on it. It was ripped up into three pieces. Really, it wasn’t a big deal. You were only seven years old and you would have many other tests this year alone, let alone for the rest of your academic life. It isn’t a big deal. So, why were you kneeling on the ground with tears blurring your vision? Why were your hands wrapped around yourself, silent snivels escaping you? Why were you pressing your face to the floor in hopes that your family wouldn’t hear? If it wasn’t a big deal, why does it hurt so much?

Someone opens up your door and gasps. They hold you as you try to remember how to breathe.

(Afterward, they help you tape up your test and you wonder if taping your heart back together will be as easy.)

They hand you a broom along with trash bags and tell you to face the consequences of your actions.

Bed overturned, clothes ripped apart, posters and old homework assignments shredded up.

The burning sensation lessens to a simmer and you’re left all alone.

With a look, around the room you think, Anger. This is what anger looks like.

Months pass by, and you grew an inch. The sun brings heat and with it comes water balloon fights and laughter. With a group of classmates, you compare birthmarks and scars. With the sun shining down on you, you think, happiness is bright.

You had finished brushing your teeth and were pulling silly faces and grinning at the mirror. That’s when you felt it. This new emotion is bitter and cold.

The you in the mirror starts to glare at you, baring their teeth like a wild animal. They mouth words that feel like ice water. “Stop it,” you say, “go away.” You glare back and mirror you smiles. “You’re my reflection. If I leave, you’ll be nothing.”

Mirror you silently laughs at you and you punch them. “I hate you.” You shout. “I hate you. I hate you. I hate-” You punch at the mirror repeatedly and mirror you starts to bleed. The glass shatters. A piece of the mirror slightly larger than your hand sits in the sink with drops of blood resting on it and you smirk. Only then do you see your fists. Bruised and bleeding, your blood stains the bathroom floor. You close your eyes in hopes that you don’t see your reflection.

When someone comes to check on the noise and see you there, they carefully drag you out and scold you. They clean your fist and check for glass, then they bandaged your hands and sigh. As they clean up, you sit in your room.

(“why are you so broken?” Mirror you shouts. “Why can’t you be normal?”)

Staring at your bandaged fists, you think, hatred is a violent emotion.

Nearly a year passes by when the next wave hits. Unlike anger, this emotion does not burn you. Instead, it lingers in everything you do, every day, every moment. It waits. It makes you silent at the moments you want to speak, and it makes you cry when you want to laugh. It waits. You can’t explain it to anyone, they don’t understand. This emotion waits until you are truly alone when it strikes.

At eight years old, you learn a hard fact.

(If anger burns, happiness shines, hatred bruises, and love heals. Then sadness takes it all, swallows it whole, leaving you to wonder if anything was there in the first place.)

The increased therapy sessions and nervous glances from family members lets you know something is up. With a little snooping around, you find out what. Hurrying back to your room you lean against your door and stare at the pamphlet. “Why choose Soullux removal?” The pamphlet shows happy people doing everyday things. You read the pamphlet three times. Each time deepens the sick feeling you have.

Soullux removal.

Doctors found out that humans don’t need a Soullux to survive. “The organ is not like the Heart,” the pamphlet reads, “one could live a healthy and even happy life without a soulmate.” It goes on and on talking about how many famous and successful people have removed their Soullux so that they can “focus on more important things.”

Seconds later, you realize your family wants you to get the surgery.

No, you think. Never.

Angry you make your way to the living room and seeing as everyone is there, you erupt.

“No. It’s not right. I won’t do it. You can’t take them away from me.,” You shout. “I won’t do it. You all have your soulmates. If you want Soullux removal, get it yourselves!” By the end of your speech, you’re panting, your vision is blurry, sniffs do nothing to help with the snot dripping out of your nose.

“Soullux removal?” One of them says, “Y/n, we would never.”

You throw the pamphlet on the table. “Yeah, right.”

“That was in my room. Y/n, you know you not allowed in there.”

“And you not allowed to steal my soulmate from me, but that’s exactly what you were planning.”

“Y/n, you-”

“-Even though it was wrong of you to sneak into their room,” a different family member interrupts, “Y/n, it’s important for you to know we would never do that without talking to you.”

After all the emotions cooled down you all talked. They handed you a different pamphlet. This one talks about pills you could take to “lessen the intense feelings your broken soulmate forces on you.”

“Broken” soulmates are soulmates with such mental and/or physical “problems” that causes their soulmates to feel the pain of their disorder. These pills eventually block you from feeling your soulmate entirely.

As you read the pamphlet, you note all the times it says broken. Three.

Broken. Like that time, you accidentally dropped a bowl and it shattered. Broken. Like when your classmate broke their arm, and everyone wanted to sign it. Broken.

They think your soulmate is broken. They want you to abandon them.

You want to throw up.

No. You think, you can’t take them from me. I won’t abandon them so please don’t take them from me. Please. Please. Don’t. They’re not broken. Please don’t take them from me. I’ll do anything, please.

“Please,” you say, “Please. Don’t. Please.” And you repeat those words over and over.

At the age of thirteen, you give up on your soulmate. You tried, honestly. You read every book, watched every video, and even posted on all kinds of forums online in hopes of finding a way to help, but nothing was working. You were useless.

Really, it was your soulmates’ fault. No one could constantly be sad, angry, and full of self-hate, right?

It makes you wonder though. What was it about your soulmate that they only felt those three emotions? Was someone doing terrible things to them? Or were they terrible people?

You didn’t know. What you did know however was that you couldn’t help them. You wanted to continue listening to music on your bed thinking sad thoughts, but you needed to clean out your room. You’ve been putting it off for weeks. And that’s what you did, for about the first fifteen minutes, but then you found an old shoebox in your closet. You couldn’t leave it, could you?

In the shoebox were tiny trinkets and a stack of letters all addressed to someone you’ve never met.

You remember when you started going on little adventures after your soulmate started to feel down. You were only seven then.

The idea was you would go on fun adventures like those happy kids on TV. You figured that your soulmate had Lonely Soul syndrome too, then they would feel your happiness. If they couldn’t be happy themselves, you would share yours. Then you thought that if you saved tiny gifts and letters when you finally meet them you could give it to them. If they knew you cared for them, maybe, just maybe, a bit of their sadness would go away.

You didn’t think about the shoebox in months. You wonder what younger you would say if they knew you gave up on your soulmate just like everyone else.

You open one of the letters.

Dear Soul Mate,

Hello, it’s me.

I’m seven now, but my birtday is in a few weeks. You’ve been sad lately and I’m here to tell you that won’t do.

That won’t do.

See ya, Y/n.

That was all the letter read. No adventure no nothing. You shoved the letter back in the envelope and grab another one.

Dear Soul Mate,

My family thinks you’re broken. I don’t know if your family thinks that about you too, and maybe that’s why you are sad all the time. But you should know that I don’t think you are. I don’t think people can break. Sometimes it might feel like it though. Sometimes it might feel like shards of who you used to be are missing and no matter how many times you try to piece yourself together again you don’t fit. You might feel defeated and completely alone. But you are not an object. You are not glass that can be shattered. Broken means that you’ve given up, and you haven’t. You’re still, living, breathing, feeling. As long as you are still alive, you are still fighting. You’re not what people define you as, you’re just you and that’s all you need to be.

I wish I could promise that I would always be there for you, but I can’t. I wish I could tell you that I believe in you, but I’m not sure you care about what a stranger thinks. I can promise you that I’m telling the truth when I say that you are the strongest person I know. Everything you feel is whole and true. Your anger, your hate, and your sadness feels like it consumes you, but underneath it all, you have pure wonder, unconditional love, and constant kindness. You amaze me. Despite never meeting you, I know you. And I am proud to have you as my soulmate.

See ya soon, Y/n.”

You don’t remember writing that. You didn’t even know you could write like that. Honestly, you were expecting all the letters to be like the first one.

It was harder these days to feel the emotions younger you talked about. These days all your soulmate felt was sadness and hate.

Maybe writing one more letter couldn’t hurt, right? Beats cleaning your room.

Why the heck were you in the park? You have an essay that’s due soon and yet here you were sitting on a park bench.

A quick look around shows an average park. Trees, benches, grass, and a playground with a group of teenagers.

They had to be older than you by a good three years.The way they were standing was weird.Four of the five teens were facing the last one, a girl. You didn’t like the smug looks on their faces.

The girl was shouting. Her back rigid and arms crossed.“We’re soulmates.” She practically shouts. “What do you mean you don’t need me?”

You should leave.

“It means I would rather get that surgery everyone talks about than have you as a soulmate. Look at you, you’re worthless.” He says. You could see his hideous smirk from where you stood. His friends holding onto one another as they laugh.

Her shoulders shake and-

“Hey,” You don’t even register the fact that you’ve spoken until everyone’s looking at you. “Don’t you think this is a private conversation between the two of you, you know, in private?”

“Who the hell are you?” Of all things, you didn’t expect the girl to shout at you full force.

“I’m just your common citizen trying to run away from my responsibilities, so if you could quiet down that would be great.”

“Kid, why don’t you mind your own business?”  Jerk face asks.

By now you are standing face to face with Jerk face and his groupies. You turn to the girl who looks like she’s in complete shock. Her face is red and eyes puffy. “Normally I would. But I think you should leave.”

“Or what?”

“Run.” You tell her.

“What?” She whispers.

Jerk face is still smirking. You want nothing more than to punch him in the face, but you can’t. Instead, you kick him where it hurts and with the girl in tow you dash out of there.

After a while, you two reach a neighborhood. You didn’t recognize it, but it seemed like a good enough place to rest.

“Why did you do that?” The girl asks.

“I know, I should have punched him, but,” you hold up your dominant hand, “I need this hand to write my letters, they’re important.”

“Letters? how old are you?”

“I’m Fourteen.”

“And you write letters?”

“Yeah,”

That’s all it takes to set her off. She starts to laugh and can’t stop. Bent over, hugging herself, she laughs until she can’t breathe.

  You don’t mean to ruin the moment, but you do. “Your soulmate is a jerk.”

“Lance,”

“What?”

“His name is Lance.”

“Yeah, well, Lance is a jerk, and as your friend, I suggest slapping him the next time you see him.”

“Friend?” Her laugh turns a little hollower, “you don’t even know me.”

“Well then, let’s get to know each other. Name’s Y/n.”

She looks at you, stares as if trying to decide whether or not you’re screwing with her.

She nods then, “I’m Donna,” she says, “Donna Noble.”

You decided to walk Donna home. She’s quiet; a direct contradiction to earlier. You understood what it was like to have a lot on your mind, so you tried to stay quiet as well. It was Donna who ended the silence.

“I always thought that I would find my soulmate and we would fall in love. That I would get what my parents have. My mom always told me ‘your soulmate is exactly what you deserve and everything you’ll ever need.’” Tears fall from her eyes, but with a deep breath she continues, “He is exactly what I deserve. My one and only soulmate.” She laughs bitterly.

You wish you knew what to say. You wish you could pluck the right words out of the air and weave sentences so beautiful Donna would stop laughing and start smiling.

Over the years as you watched friends and family find their soulmates you learned that just because people can feel their soulmate doesn’t mean they truly understand them or their life experiences. That takes work and commitment. It is odd to think about however; knowing someone deeply, yet at the same time not at all.

“Maybe, soul- people,” you correct yourself after Donna flinches at the s word. Yeah, there were some days where that word burned you as well, “maybe, people aren’t supposed to fill a missing hole in you. Maybe they’re just the cherry on top.”

You reach her house and she points you towards her kitchen when you ask for a glass of water.

In the kitchen, are who you assume are Donna’s parents. Music and laughter fill the air and the two of them are eating. With such soft smiles and tender touches, you could tell they were deeply in love. It was as if they were the only ones in the room.

“Here.” Donna hands you a glass of water.

You were so captivated by her parents you didn’t notice Donna slip pass you. A glance at the two eating shows they haven’t even noticed two people in the room with them.

“Thank you, Donna.” You practically shout. Everyone looks at you oddly, but at least your plan works.

The day you turned thirty, your life took an odd turn.

Technically it started six months before that.

See, Donna started a temp job at the same place Lance the Jerk works. Apparently, as Lance claimed, he was a changed man. He said he wanted to start fresh with Donna. Donna was all for forgiving him. (“Y/n, he brings me coffee every day. Me. Coffee!”)

You felt there was something odd about the whole thing though.

It wasn’t the fact that the best friend rulebook states that you have to hate him for how he hurt your best friend.

It also wasn’t because he never once apologized to Donna. (Saying “I was only a kid at the time,” is not an apology.)

The problem is you didn’t think Lance was the right person for Donna, ironically enough. Donna is full of life, she’s loud, kind, and slightly ignorant, Donna is passionate. Lance is indifferent, he’s judgmental and arrogant.

Seeing the two of them together puts a sour taste in your mouth. Aside from a few subtle comments, you haven’t really talked to Donna about it. How could you tell her you thought her soulmate wasn’t right for her? Maybe you were reading too much into it? You hope Donna sees something in him that you are overlooking, you hope Lance has a better side of him that he shows Donna.

You wanted nothing more than for Donna to be happy. If it means holding your tongue around Lance, you would duct tape your mouth shut.

Donna tells you she wants to marry him, and you play the role of the excited best friend.

It happens on the day of your thirtieth birthday, two weeks before Donna’s wedding. Donna throws you a big surprise party, but halfway through she disappears. Nerys-why is she here? You don’t even know her, and Donna hates her- tells you that she vanished into golden dust, but you figured she was wasted. You ask around, but no one’s seen Donna.

Soon, the party is over, and you still don’t know where Donna is.

When you get home, you find Donna sitting in your kitchen, a cup of tea in her hands. Her hair is a mess, clothes tore and she was soaking wet. How in the world?

“Donna? I was looking everywhere for you. I almost punched like three people when they said you were-”

Donna rushes into your arms. She’s shaking, holding you as if you are the only thing in life that makes sense.

“Donna?” Sighing, you hug her back. “Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?”

After Donna is clean and in dry clothes she talks.

She tells you that Lance was lying. That he was in love? With a spider? And there was a doctor trying to help. The spiders died. Lance died. Thames flooded?  Or was it drained? Honestly, you couldn’t really make out much of what she was saying with her face buried in your shoulder, tears staining your clothes. All that matter was that your best friend needed you. You held her until her sobs turned to snores.

Donna spends the next year traveling, learning, and looking for trouble.

You spend the year working, paying bills, and wishing you could do the same as Donna.

When Donna calls you to excitedly tell you that she’s speaking Latin of all things, you decided enough was enough.

Three hours later, you meet up at a small café.

You see Donna the moment you walk in the café. She’s sitting at a table for four with a man beside her. Both of them seem to be having an interesting conversation because both of them can’t seem to stop laughing.

The sight brings a smile to your face.

When someone walks into the café, Donna glances up and meets your eye. She stands, waves her hands in the air, practically shouts your name.

Before the temptation to act like you don’t know her kicks in; you rush to her. The hug she pulls you in is unexpected but nice.

“Oh, I haven’t seen you in months!”

You don’t say anything. Instead, you run your eyes over Donna. Taking a step back you notice that the Donna before you is different from the one you saw a few days ago. There’s something about this Donna that makes her shine. Maybe a new haircut?

“Did you get a tan?” You notice it then; Donna definitely got a tan but… a quick look at the window shows you that it is still pouring out just like it has for the last week.

Donna laughs and drags you to the table. She introduces you to the man whose name is the Doctor and you say hello. It’s as he’s about to reply that you feel it. A wave of happiness hits you like a smack upside the head and spins your world around. Colors are brighter and what once was gloomy rain is now the water that brings life to mother nature. Too busy looking around you miss everything the man, the Doctor, was saying.

“Sorry about that.” You give a sheepish smile. The Doctor grins. With one hand ruffling his hair, he leans towards you from across the table.  

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Nothing, I think it’s just my soulmate.” The last bit of the sentence comes out as a question.

“Them again? Listen Y/n the second I meet this bloke, I tell you what, I’m gon- ”

  “Donna you are not going to assault my soulmate.” Donna ‘offers’ to slap your soulmate every time they feel something other than happiness. You can’t help your smile grow though; before Donna you never really had someone who was ready to fight anyone who hurts you.  

“What’s wrong with your soulmate?” The Doctor raises an eyebrow.  “I think your soulmate is perfectly fine. In fact, I’d go so far as to say this is one of the greatest days of their life.”

“And why is that?” You don’t notice that you are leaning towards him.

“Well,” he drags the word out, “I think he just met his soulmate.”

It takes a moment for your brain to process what he said. When you do, you jump from your seat spinning around to search for him. “What? Where is he?” Your heart is pounding.

From a distance, you hear Donna whisper an “Oh my God.”

“If my soulmate is here why doesn’t he come up to me?”

You turn to Donna after she calls your name, “your soulmate is right in front of you.”

Looking from Donna to the Doctor to Donna again you open your mouth and- “Donna,” you sigh, “you are not my soulmate.”

Slumping down into the chair, you rest your elbow on the table with your chin in your hand.“You guys really got me excited for nothing.” You pout. Your other hand plays with the teacup in the center of the table.

“Um, if your soulmate was right in front of you what would you want him to do?” The Doctor asks.

“Anything really. A simple ‘Hello’ and their name is good enough.”

“Hello. I’m the Doctor.”

“Yeah, I know. You’ve already introduced yourself.”

“You spend all this time waiting for your soulmate and now that he’s in front of you, you can’t see him? Y/n you are an idiot.”

“What are you talking about? The only people in front of me is you tw-ooh.” Looking at the Doctor, you don’t know how you feel. The best way to describe it would be dancing. It’s like back when you were a teenager listening to music in your room. The music turned on loud, your door closed, and you start to dance. Jumping around, singing, and having fun, the joy you feel from hearing your favorite song runs through your veins; nothing could ruin the moment. As you spin around, in the midst of singing your favorite verse, someone opens the door. The two of you stare at one another as you wait for them to decide if they want to embarrass you by walking away or join in on the dancing.

That is the best way you can describe how you feel.

That happiness with a side of embarrassment.

The Doctor and Donna spend the next few hours explaining who the Doctor is, what they do, and all the places they visited. They told you about the chaos, the fun, and the universe. If you were anybody else, you would have gone into shock and cancel the whole day. However, you are you and so the only thing you can do after discovering that aliens exist is laugh. Because your soulmate is an alien who travels all of time and space in a phone box and your best friend, Donna Noble-

“My best friend traveled across the universe and brought me back my soulmate.”

[oswincoleman]

Jenna Coleman in the 2010s

Here I will summarize Jenna’s various roles within her last 10 years, in chronological order:

Princess Melia Antiqua (Xenoblade Chronicles)

Xenoblade Chronicles was released in 2010, and Jenna must have recorded her part in either 2009 or 2010. Melia is the daughter of the High Emperor of the Entia, is a mage, and one of 7 playable characters in the game. The Xenoblade Chronicles: Definitive Edition will be released later this year, and it remains unknown whether any new recordings were done, and if Jenna will reprise her role.

Connie (Captain America: The First Avenger)

In 2010, after finishing her work on Emmerdale, and then Waterloo Road, Jenna auditioned for lots of roles in the USA. She however only managed to get a tiny role in Captain America: The First Avenger, and a part in the short film Corporate Monster (2019, originally filmed as Imaginary Forces). With at least one bad experience, of being asked to attend an audition in a bikini, she has since stayed away from American acting entirely.

Captain America: The First Avenger released in 2011, and Jenna filmed her brief role in 2010. She plays Connie, Bucky’s date at the World Expo.

Annie Desmond (Titanic)

From May 2011 onwards, filming of the miniseries Titanic took place in Budapest. Jenna played the stewardess Annie Desmond, who falls in love with chef Paolo Sandrini. When disaster strikes, she does whatever she can to help others, and survives after Paolo finds her a place on a lifeboat. 

The miniseries was released on the centenary of the tragedy, on the 15th of April 2012, in 86 countries around the world. 

Maria (Maria’s Story)

Jenna filmed a short video for NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) / Childline, portraying a teenager who was sexually abused as a child, and later reached out, and was helped by Childline, and telling their story. She probably filmed it in early 2012. The YouTube video of Jenna’s performance was uploaded on February 7th, 2012. 

Oswin Oswald (Doctor Who, series 7 episode 1: Asylum of the Daleks)

Yes, I will keep Clara’s echoes separate, because they are different characters. 

Jenna had her first surprise appearance on Doctor Who in Asylum of the Daleks, which aired on 1st September 2012. Jenna was first announced as the new companion on the 21st of March 2012, and presumably she started filming  Asylum of the Daleks at about the same time. 

Oswin Oswald is the junior entertainment manager on the starship Alaska, which crashed into the planet housing the Dalek Asylum of all insane Daleks. In a surprising twist it is revealed that unlike the rest of the crew, who were merely turned into puppets, keeping their former appearances, Oswin received the full conversion into a Dalek, because she is a genius. Oswin dreamt up a reality, of Carmen, and soufflés, to hide the truth of who she was. She managed to hack into the Dalek path web, disabled all Daleks on the planet, and deleted all references to the Doctor in the Daleks’ entire database. In the end, she sacrificed herself to save the Doctor, Amy and Rory. 

Susan Brown (Room at the Top)

This miniseries was originally planned to premiere in April 2011, but due to several delays was only aired on the 26th and 27th of September 2012. I have unfortunately not managed to find out when it was filmed, but it was probably filmed in early 2011, before Jenna filmed Titanic. 

Susan Brown falls in love with Joe Lampton, who maintains an affair with both her and Alice Aisgill. Joe loves Alice, but wants to marry Susan, as she is the daughter of a very successful businessman. When Susan gets pregnant, her father insists that they marry, and Joe leave Alice for good. 

Clara Oswin Oswald (Doctor Who 2012 Christmas Special)

The next Clara echo we encountered in Doctor Who is Clara Oswin Oswald in Victorian London. She works both as a barmaid in the Rose and Crown, and as a governess for the Latimer family. She encounters the Doctor, and encounters the carnivorous Snowmen. She convinces the Doctor to fight off the threat, and together they foil the plans of the Great Intelligence. The Doctor abandons his time of living in the TARDIS in the clouds, and gives Clara a key to the TARDIS. But when it seemed as though everything was solved, the ice governess drags Clara off of the cloud, to both of their demise. 

All of this takes place in the Doctor Who Christmas Special, “The Snowmen”, for which filming started on the 6th of August 2012.

Clara Oswald (Doctor Who series 7B-9, the 50th anniversary special, and the 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2017 Christmas specials)

In the very same episode we see Clara Oswald for the first time. She starts off as a nanny in modern day London, but has great dreams and ambitions. After having met two of her echoes, the Doctor was inspired by their mystery, and searched for yet another Clara. He did meet her once when she was a child, but did not realize it. Only when Missy gave Clara the Doctor’s phone number did they finally properly meet. Clara was swept along to numerous adventures over many years of here life. She encountered many foes, and stood up to them with nothing but her words. She always wanted to learn more, and hone her skills. In her long time on the show she managed to convince the Doctor to save Gallifrey rather than burn it, she persuaded the Time Lords to give the Doctor new regenerations without which his 11th incarnation would have been his last, she outwits many enemies, such as the half-faced man, the Sheriff of Nottingham, Bonnie, and Odin (to name a few). She jumped into the Doctor’s timestream to prevent its corruption through the Great Intelligence. In doing so, she generated all the echoes we saw previously, alongside many other ones strewn throughout all of time and space. Clara faces her fears one by one, learning not to be defeated by them, and becoming increasingly brave. 

She quit her job as a nanny, and got a job as an English teacher at Coal Hill school. There she met Danny Pink, who she got into a relationship with. She was torn between Danny and the Doctor, and the two incompatible lives she was leading. She couldn’t decide, and tried to maintain both. But she couldn’t keep that up for long, and when Danny died in a car crash, she was willing to risk her life with the Doctor as well, for the off chance that his death could be rewritten by time travel. She had however underestimated how important she had become to the Doctor by this point. Danny does return as a Cybermen, as part of Missy’s plan for the Doctor to be more like her. Clara, the Doctor, and Danny however foil Missy’s plans, and Danny sacrifices himself to rid the world of all Cybermen. 

Traumatized by these events, Clara increasingly distances herself from her normal life, to which she was only anchored by Danny. She devotes herself more and more to the life of the Doctor. As ambitious, intelligent, and skilled as she is, merely following him around is not what she has in mind. She learns all she can from him, first imitates him, and finally develops her own style. Clara was never someone who blindly relied on others to help her out if she got into trouble. She learns to fly the TARDIS, seeks out adventures, and does whatever she can to help others, using her innate empathy and skill. Together, the Doctor and Clara form an unbeatable team. Well, almost. Clara sacrifices herself to save Rigsy, her “companion” of two adventures. There is nothing that can be done to stop the chronolock which was intended for Rigsy, and Clara ends up standing her ground while facing the raven. 

The Doctor however cannot live with her death at all, and endures billions of years of torture before returning to Gallifrey, where he leads a coup against the autocratic Rassilon. And all of this, to be able to extract Clara from the end of her time stream, and resume their travels together. Except it of course does not work out as planned, and Clara’s death remains a fixed point. She has to die at the exact time and place when and where the Chronolock countdown ended. In his effort to save Clara, the Doctor himself became a monster. Clara tried her best to get him to return to being the Doctor, but the only thing that works, is erasing all his memories of her. When they both finally feel too guilty because of the damage they have caused each other, they depart ways. Clara has become a second Doctor in this process, with her own TARDIS, and companion. And this is how her arc comes to a close, and her story finishes. She does however return as a hallucination of the 12th Doctor when his memories of Clara are restored just before his own regeneration. 

Jenna Coleman filmed her total of 37 episodes featuring Clara Oswald in 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015. Her final appearance in Twice Upon a Time (2017 Christmas special) was the final scene shot for the episode, so presumably at the end of July, or even later. 

Jenna also portrayed Clara Oswald in the Doctor Who: Lego Dimensions game in 2015. 

Rosie Williams (Dancing on the Edge)

Jenna Coleman plays Rosie Williams, Stanley’s assistant at the Music Express magazine. But their relationship is a bit more than just that. The series takes place in London in the 1930s, following a jazz band and their rise to fame and subsequent difficulties. 

The four-part series aired between 4th February, and 12th March 2013. Once again I am not exactly sure when Jenna filmed her part, but I guess it must have been in early or mid 2012. 

Interestingly, Jenna Coleman and Tom Hughes both starred in this series, though they never really had a scene together (they do appear in one shot together, but aren’t talking to each other).

Other Clara echoes (Doctor Who, series 7 episode 13: The Name of the Doctor)

When Clara Oswald jumped into the Doctor’s timestream, millions of copies of her were created, and spread out through all of time and space. Each of them a different person, yet all sharing many similarities with the “original” Clara Oswald. All these echoes work together to nullify the effects of the Great Intelligence on the Doctor’s timeline. Some of them interact with the Doctor at various stages of their lives, but most work in the background, keeping the Great Intelligence at bay, far away from the Doctor. Through these echoes, Clara meets all the incarnations of the Doctor, even one that the Doctor wanted to leave out; the War Doctor. 

All Characters in The Secret Garden

In 2013, Jenna also recorded the audiobook “The Secret Garden”, voicing all the characters in the story (and as always delivering a fantastic vocal performance).

The story follows the 10 year old Mary Lennox, who after the death of her parents, is sent to her uncle’s residence in Yorkshire. There she discovers the titular secret garden that had been locked up for 12 years, as well as her sickly nephew, Colin, who had been kept a secret from her. Mary also meets Dickon, and together, they bring life back to the secret garden, and revitalize Colin’s health. 

All Characters in Destiny of the Doctor: The Time Machine

In her only appearance in Doctor Who’s Big Finish audio collection so far, Jenna voiced all the characters of this audio book. 

In the story, Alice Watson helps Professor Chivers to assemble a time machine. The alien Creevix, and the Doctor however start to intervene before everything is complete. Together, they defeat the Creevix, and Alice goes on adventures with Guy Taylor in the end.

Jenna Coleman (The Five(ish) Doctors Reboot)

Jenna Coleman appeared as herself in the comedy spoof for the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. It was released at the same time as the actual Doctor Who 50th special, The Day of the Doctor, on the 23rd of November 2013. 

Lydia Wickham (Death Comes to Pemberley)

This four-part mini series first aired on the 26th of December 2013, just one day after the 2013 Doctor Who Christmas special, “The Day of the Doctor”. In Death comes to Pemberley, which was filmed earlier in 2013, Jenna plays the hysterical, theatrical, and self-centered Lydia, and how she reacts to the other events of the story, most notably the accusation that George Wickham murdered his friend Denny. 

Let’s take a moment to consider that the last 12 entries on this list all occurred within 2012 or 2013. What incredible years those must have been for Jenna Coleman fans!

Marble Statue, Monologue by Jacqueline Wilson (2014)

In August 2014, Jenna Coleman lent her voice to a marble statue in the Manchester Central Library, for an exhibition aiming to bring statues to life, by associating them with text that was read out by actors. Scanning a barcode at each statue started playing the recording.

Bonnie (Doctor Who, series 9 episodes 7 and 8: The Zygon Invasion/The Zygon Inversion)

As another character Jenna portrayed in Doctor Who, Bonnie was the leader of a faction of Zygons living on Earth. She copied Clara Oswald’s appearance to infiltrate UNIT, and there managed to annihilate UNIT from within. Could this be the reason why UNIT no longer exists in series 11 and 12? (UNIT does exist in series 10, but that could have been set earlier than The Zygon Invasion/The Zygon Inversion). Anyway, in the end Bonnie is defeated by a combined effort of the Doctor and Clara, learns to see the error in her ways, and actually helps to maintain the peace from then on. She changes her appearance to that of Petronella Osgood, to ensure that there are once again 2 Osgoods. 

This two-parter was filmed in early 2015, and aired on the 31st October, and 7th November 2015. 

Katrina Clark (Me Before You)

In a break during the filming of Doctor Who series 9, Jenna filmed her part for Me Before You, at some point between May and June 2015. She plays Louisa Clark’s younger sister, who is also a single mother. She only plays a small role overall, but helps her sister through several tough moments, providing advice and emotional support. The film was released in the UK on June 3rd, 2016.

Queen Victoria (Victoria series 1-3, 2017 Christmas Special)

After her time on Doctor Who came to an end, Jenna landed her first lead role, as Queen Victoria in the ITV and PBS series Victoria, chronicling the life and times of Queen Victoria. So far, series 1-3 have covered the period from 1837 to 1851, depicting Victoria from age 18 to 32. 

The series starts off with Victoria learning of her accession to the throne, following the death of William IV. We see her very strict upbringing, and how she gained independence by being the Queen. At first we see her making many clumsy mistakes, and the scheming of others to control her in one way or another. But she stubbornly gets her way through, and certainly doesn’t lose any confidence along the way. 

We follow along on the journey of how Victoria and Albert grow closer, and fall in love with each other, how their relationship develops, and they marry. Victoria gets pregnant shortly thereafter. Despite loathing pregnancy, and losing the ability to be herself and rule the country, another pregnancy follows the first one in quick succession. And then another. And another, and another .... 

Victoria gradually becomes more acquainted with being the Queen. But alongside that she also plays the role of a wife to Albert, and a mother to her many children. We later see the struggle of being all those roles at once. The series also explores the combination of Victoria’s postnatal depression, her dislike of pregnancy, but also her love for Albert, and her relationship with her children. 

Of course this period in history is also quite interesting in and of itself, and we see Victoria engaging with many events of the time. She manages to make a real positive impact on some problems (like the difficulties involved with the Great Exhibition), but fails to resolve other ones (the Irish Potato Famine). 

Jenna Coleman filmed the three series from late 2015 to early 2016, early to mid 2017, and mid to late 2018, respectively. The three series aired in the UK in August to October 2016, August to October 2017, the 25th of December 2017, and March to May 2019. 

Victoria is on hiatus at the moment, and it is unknown when, and if it will return. Jenna’s work for The Serpent might already be completed, and if not, it probably won’t take much longer. There is nothing publicly known yet of her commitments after that, so as far as she is concerned, Victoria series 4 could be filmed rather soon. But that is still merely speculation at the moment. 

Belle (A Christmas Carol Audio Book)

In late 2016, Jenna Coleman played the role of Belle, Scrooge’s past love, in the audio book of “A Christmas Carol”, which released on the 9th December 2016. 

Baines (Thunderbirds are Go, season 2 episode 1: Earthbreaker)

This episode first aired in April 2017, so Jenna presumably recorded her part for it in late 2016.

She voiced her character, Baines, with an American accent (she also used American accents in All My Sons and Corporate Monster, but those are all different accents).

In the episode, Baines is the head of a research and mining operation who located Scandium ore, but were then attacked by The Earthbreaker machine. It quite literally breaks up the ground, creating a crevasse that Baines and her team fall into. Baines manages to call the Thunderbirds, who in the end manage to save them, and defeat the Earthbreaker.

Joanna Lindsay (The Cry)

In January to May 2018, Jenna filmed her next leading role in the four-part miniseries The Cry, which was filmed in both Australia and Scotland. It is based on the novel of the same name by Helen Fitzgerald, but it does diverge from it in several key points, particularly at the end. 

Joanna suffes postnatal depression after giving birth to baby Noah, and her partner Alistair doesn’t support her at all. He primarily focuses on his personal ambition of gaining custody of his daughter Chloe, from his ex-wife Alexandra, who currently lives in Australia, whereas Joanna and Alistair live in Glasgow, Scotland. The flight to Australia goes terribly when Noah cries the entire time. 

Major spoilers from this point on. You have been warned. 

Noah dies shortly after landing, when Alistair accidentally gave him the wrong medication. Alistair decides that the best course of action is to invent a story that Noah was kidnapped, rather than tell the world the truth. Joanna is too weak to argue, and plays along. Joanna’s despair grows over time, and she loses herself in the media attention, and the constant lies. She gets increasingly doubtful as time goes on, and starts to see through the lies Alistair has even told her throughout. 

When she finally learns the truth that Alistair gave Noah the fateful dose, despite his repeated insistance that she had been to blame, Joanna has had enough, and drives their car off a cliff. Alistair dies, but Joanna lives to the tell the tale. But by now she has become too intertwined with Alistair’s storyline of lies, that she sticks to the story, and wins her case in court. Finally, she returns to Australia, and is reunited with Noah, who was buried beneath a newly constructed house. 

Ann Deever (All My Sons)

Jenna played the role of Ann Deever in All My Sons at the Old Vic theatre in London, from the 13th of April to the 8th of June 2019. This was her first theatre production in 10 years, and her first really professional one. As Jenna has said in several interviews, she had been interested in performing on stage for several years now, but had been looking for the ideal role and play to appear in. 

Ann Deever returns to the Keller household in the late 1940s, having grown up in the house next to it. She intends to marry Chris Keller. But Chris’ mother Kate opposes the marriage, as to her, Ann will forever be “Larry’s Girl”. Larry is Chris’ brother, who went missing in WW2. Throughout the play, we learn more and more secrets that one or more of the main characters had hidden away. Chris’ father Joe turns out to have been responsible for shipping out cracked cylinder heads to the army, resulting in 21 pilot deaths. Ann’s father had been blamed for the deaths, and was incarcerated, while Joe wriggled his way out of being found guilty. But Ann wants to go ahead with the marriage nonetheless. When Kate still opposes it, Ann shows her a letter she got from Larry, in which he talks about his planned suicide following the news of the 21 pilot deaths Joe had been accused of. The play concludes with Joe killing himself as well. 

Ellen (Corporate Monster)

Back in 2010, when Jenna was auditioning for various roles in the USA, she filmed a role in the short film “Corporate Monster” (originally called Imaginary Forces). The initial planned release date passed without any news. But after many years of waiting, it was released on September 16th, 2019. 

Ellen’s boyfriend Robert Turner takes untested drugs aimed at combating his stress after he lost his job. But as a result of the drugs, he starts seeing aliens pretending to be humans everywhere he goes. He becomes increasingly paranoid, and starts fighting the aliens. He tries to force Ellen to take the drugs as well, so that he can prove that the aliens are real. Ellen refuses, and avoids him. After fighting several aliens, Robert shows up at Ellen’s office, kills several more aliens. Ellen takes the drugs in order to stop the massacre. Robert escapes, but gets cornered, and is killed. The film ends with Ellen seeing the aliens instead of humans as well. 

Beattie (Inside No. 9 series 5, episode 2)

Jenna filmed this part in February-March 2019. But we don’t know anything yet about her role, or the episode she will appear in. It will hopefully be released soon. 

Marie-Andrée Leclerc (The Serpent)

From September to December 2019, Jenna filmed her role as the female lead in the upcoming BBC One and Netflix series The Serpent, in Thailand. The series is based on the real life story from the 1970s, of serial killers Leclerc and Sobhraj, and how they were eventually caught. 

Jenna really has done a lot in the last decade! She has portrayed a huge variety of different roles, of so many different personalities. And she has done so brilliantly! In the last decade Jenna Coleman has really made a name for herself, and done incredible work in TV series, films, audiobooks, a play, and some video games. Now on to the next decade! I look forward to seeing all that Jenna will accomplish in the next ten years!

And as a final remark, sorry for the long post!

[gunnerpalace]

How do you think how Ori would do as a villain?

In my view, Orihime’s pathway to villainy would be using her powers to reject all the events that get in the way of her getting what she wants (which is to say, mostly Ichigo). In other words, going Full Spooky Galadriel and deciding, “In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a queen! […] All shall love me and despair!”

Now, she could settle for the present where Ichigo already knows Rukia, and Aizen and Yhwach are off the board, but we already know what that yields because of 686: a universe where Ichigo is at his absolute happiest when he just sees Rukia again and argues with her, rather than when he marries Orihime or she gives birth to their son, or whatever typical things might be cited as the happiest moments of one’s life. And, honestly? From Orihime’s perspective? That must really fucking suck.

So, if Orihime is going Full Spooky Galadriel (Orihime Untethered), why would she settle? Surely she can do better than that. And the simplest way to do better would be deleting Yhwach and Aizen at the right times in history. 

The right time for the former would be during the late 1980s or early 1990s, and would keep Masaki alive and fundamentally alter Ichigo as a character (probably significantly dulling his focus on protection and removing his disaffection), and removes future problems associated with the Quincy coming back.

Doing the latter could only be done in the latter-half of the 1980s, after Ichigo had been conceived, but before Aizen set any of his other plans in motion. So the Visored and Urahara Shop would still be around, and Kaien and Miyako would still be dead. Regardless, doing this would keep him from doing what he did with Rukia.

Trouble is, the Hougyoku is already in Rukia’s soul by that time. And it seems highly likely that Aizen did not “send” Rukia to Ichigo, but rather that the Hougyoku bent Aizen’s machinations so that it happened. (Why would Aizen be immune to the Hougyoku’s effects?) In other words, the Hougyoku being stuffed in Rukia’s soul makes it seem likely that Rukia would still encounter Ichigo eventually, regardless of how normal and happy his life was, because their encounter is essentially fated. (Kaien more than likely reminds Rukia of Ichigo, in a non-linear framework, rather than Ichigo reminded Rukia of Kaien.)

So the trouble for Orihime Untethered is that she has to:

Delete two of the most powerful dudes in the series (admittedly not at their strongest) to get a lock on the guy she wants (i.e., by removing “incentives” for him to not want to be human, and to remove her main competition) when her powers don’t work on any sufficiently powerful reiatsu.

Her main competition still having a reality-altering device shoved into her soul which may or may not be beyond Orihime’s powers to mess with even if she could kill a merely Shinigami Aizen and a comatose Yhwach. (As it was never made clear whether she actually could destroy the incomplete Hougyoku with her powers, and it sure seems like Aizen is impossible to destroy with one in him in the present.)

So the question here is: where does Orihime Untethered get the kind of monstrous power that would be necessary for such feats? And the only place she could reasonably get it from would probably be if Uryuu decided to somehow lend her the power by going beast mode in a reishi rich environment. 

Whether Uryuu is stupid enough to do that for her without knowing what she really intends, for the sake of making her happy even if he’s not in the picture at all, is an open question. (Perhaps yes, because Uryuu can be dumb like that.)

So, Aizen and Yhwach get deleted and the Hougyoku is plucked out of Rukia. (I feel it’d be going a bit far for even Orihime Untethered to delete Rukia, and I really don’t think Uryuu would agree to that.) This of course means it is never around to be in proximity to Orihime herself and Chad, so she is also retroactively keeping herself from getting powers in the first place.

Oh, that’s a problem. It’s a one-way ticket. This isn’t Donnie Darko or The Butterfly Effect: if your powers get deleted from the timestream you can’t get them back and you’re stuck. Ooh. So maybe don’t delete the Hougyoku from Rukia, even if you can. But doesn’t that then mean you’re relying on encountering her…?

Masaki would probably teach Ichigo about Quincy powers once he was of age, so he’d probably have noticed and gravitated toward Uryuu in school?

But the thing is, even if Masaki (and Kanae) didn’t die, Souken still did. So Uryuu would still become bitter toward Shinigami. Maybe he would turn Ichigo onto that way of thinking too? So they probably still become embroiled with Soul Society.

Okay, so Orihime has to have deleted Mayuri too now, to keep Souken alive and keep Uryuu and Ichigo from fighting against Shinigami. Uryuu in the present giving her the power to change shit carte blanche would probably be cool with that.

So, Souken is alive too. His big thing was cooperation with Shinigami. Working with them to eliminate Hollows in a non-destructive way while protecting humans. His proposal seemed to have been working at least a little.

What’s to say that Rukia isn’t sent as Soul Society’s representative as part of that program? Or one of the people sent? Or that she isn’t sent to walk the beat in Karakura anyway, since it seems to be the 13th Division’s responsibility? Especially so if she still has the Hougyoku in her, warping events around to take her to Ichigo?

So, there’s Quincy Uryuu and Quincy Ichigo (with latent Shinigami and Hollow powers…) working with Shinigami, including maybe Rukia. If Rukia didn’t have the Hougyoku, and turned up like this, Orihime would have no ability to get her powers back and keep up. If you can’t get powers then can’t keep up if Ichigo and Uryuu start getting adventurous in this new, happier Bleach with more functional familial and friendly relationships. So she needs the Hougyoku to still be in Rukia no matter what.

She can’t remove the Hougyoku from Rukia, let alone delete her even if she wanted to, and her having the Hougyoku means she is almost assuredly going to show up. (Plus, even if you could delete her, karma is a bitch. Who’s to say she wouldn’t reincarnate even if you did delete her? Especially if you do it too early? She might just Senna her way back. Hell, even if it works, maybe Senna herself shows up to take her place! Especially since a lot of the filler is now being treated as semi-canonical.)

So, we go around in circles with the real problems.

The first real problem for Orihime Untethered is ultimately that Rukia is absolutely necessary to her own ability to have a role in Ichigo’s supernatural nonsense. Meanwhile, she can’t really strip Ichigo of powers because they’re fundamental to who he is. So there is no way to really undo things when it comes to either of them directly, just the things around them. Ichigo and Rukia are effectively “status locked” in a fashion similar to Doctor Who’s “time locked” concept.

The second real problem is that even without Aizen and Mayuri, Soul Society is still its corrupt self and likely to draw the Kurosaki and Ishida into its shenanigans. And even if Yhwach is eliminated, Wandenreich is also still out there. As are all the Espada. So some version of supernatural nonsense is basically guaranteed to happen, no matter how many other pieces you knock down.

At the end of the day, Ichigo and Rukia are going to meet. They are going to have adventures. They are going to develop a rapport. And her only real solution is going to be social engineering, not her powers. And the truth is, Orihime isn’t really that great at the Mean Girls game, and I doubt Orihime Untethered is either.

I see her trying to force, as much as possible, the series into being a slice-of-life school comedy series, and it kind of playing out like Groundhog Day as she selectively undoes things and redoes scenarios, and it just never works out. And that leads back to the fundamental issue she’s encountering: she is trying to fuck with something that is more or less written into the fundamental laws of the universe itself.

Even if she gets Ichigo, it’s always going to be some form of settling for less. She is always going to be the second-place prize. And she is also likely to be only a temporary one, because if souls are kicking around at a rate of aging ~30 years per 2000 years that pass, an awful lot can change. And that’s before taking into account the confirmed mechanic of reincarnation.

(And this is, ultimately, why 686 is stupid in addition to being a non sequitur: okay, IH and RR had kids. So fucking what? Divorces happen. People can change, grow apart, and move on. As I said once before, what is “five lifetimes” in comparison to like, 5000 years? Or an infinite cycle of maximally 5000 year reincarnations? Barring their souls being killed somehow, Ichigo and Rukia are going to be around for longer into the future than we are now from when the Pyramids were built. You think some possibly expedient marriages are going to keep them apart all that time? Or into their next lives? Yeah, no. That’s the thing: their story isn’t over even if Bleach is. That’s yet another reason that ending is so shit beyond its character assassination and ass-pull pairings: literally anything could happen beyond it. It is not definitive because these are not normal-ass normal people.)

So what does she do, trapped in this hell of her own creation? As I see it, she has three options:

She goes completely crazy and decides to delete existence itself or massively restructure it a la Yhwach. I also really don’t think Uryuu would agree to that and I can see it ending rather tragically.

She decides to just accept being second-best with a smile until it eventually burns her out, at which point she probably tries to find someone who actually appreciates her. (One guess as to who that is.)

She skips being miserable and instead grows up and realizes that Ichigo is never going to be as happy with her as he is with Rukia, and that she needs to find that person immediately rather than wasting everyone’s time, including her own.

So we’ll call (1) the really angsty ending, discard (2) because it’s just a drawn out and angsty version of (3) which admittedly a lot of real people fall into, and we’ll call (3) the happy ending because hey, at least Orihime’s selfish efforts to rewrite the timeline would have improved the pile of shit that is life in Bleach by restoring some sense of family bonds and healthy relationships.

[fourteenth-doctor]

i have a lot of thoughts about chibnall’s era thus far so i needed an outlet to voice them because none of my friends watch doctor who lol (note: this could come across as rant-y although it’s not all complaints, but if you see no flaws in the chibnall/thirteen era you might want to avoid this post)

disclaimer: i haven’t seen anything chibnall has written besides doctor who, and the only acting role i’ve seen jodie in besides the doctor is the episode of black mirror that she did. they could be wonderful writers/showrunners/actors, but i’m solely basing this off of what i’ve seen on doctor who

1. chibnall does so much telling, and not much showing. the easiest example of this for me is thirteen’s relationship with her companions. within the second (maybe even first!) episode of thirteen’s era, she referred to ryan, yaz, and graham as her fam. (side note, i’m so sick of hearing that word, i’m sorry). the most on-par comparison for this is eleven’s relationship with the ponds. they are undoubtedly his family, but you saw his relationship with all of them grow into a familial relationship and he didn’t call them his family after knowing them for less than a week. we’re not shown the relationship thirteen has with her companions growing and becoming something that can be considered a family, instead we’re told right off the bat that they’re her family. we’re now two series down and i do not see them as her family at all. she’s the doctor, they’re her companions. that’s about as deep as their connection goes for me as a viewer. i don’t know if it’s because there’s so many of them immediately so that already reduces the time for us to see their relationships deepening.

2. thirteen doesn’t seem to have many dimensions to her character. i made a post about this already but deleted it. i don’t know if it’s jodie’s acting, or if it’s because thirteen is so rambunctious and bubbly that when she’s serious it falls flat for me, but it does. i LOVE that thirteen is fun and goofy (eleven is my favorite doctor, i’m not opposed to humor and child-like behavior) but i feel like whenever thirteen attempts to be serious (most of the timeless children, for example) i have a hard time with it. i could be wrong but i feel like she hasn’t really had a Doctor Monologue™️ either. if you’re a fan of the show you know what i’m talking about, the speeches the doctor gives that could only be said by the doctor. and if she has, they haven’t been memorable which is why i can’t recall her having one. 

3. i legitimately don’t know what it is, but something’s missing. in s11 i said that there were a lot of time travel (rosa, demons of the punjab, the witchfinders) that i felt like chibnall forgot this was also a scifi show. however, in s12, that improved. orphan 55 felt like something out of black mirror, fugitive of the judoon was fun!, praxeus was a fun way to incorporate some real life issues into the show, can you hear me was very scifi. so that has improved tremendously already from s11, but it still feels like something’s missing. it doesn’t feel like the doctor is taking us upon their tardis and bringing us on a grand adventure anymore. so maybe what’s missing is fun. maybe these things feel more like duties than fun for the viewer, or at least for me.

4. please read this entire paragraph before you make assumptions about what i mean by this, but the wokeness. i love that doctor who has become more inclusive, i love that there’s more representation, i love that the new tagline is “space for all”. i am so happy that the doctor is played by a woman now. but some real life subject matter that they throw into the show now just feels... unnecessary and borderline performative. i already said praxeus was a good episode, and it was! i thoroughly enjoyed it. but it feels like chibnall just throws things into the show like climate change and it almost reminds me of the “my job here is done” “but you didn’t do anything” meme. whether intentional or not, it feels like a way for him to pat himself on the back. i desperately hope that’s not the case, and like i’ve said, i know nothing about the man other than the fact that he’s the showrunner for doctor who. i don’t know what his previous work is like, i don’t know how he is as a person, i am solely judging him on his work on doctor who. (also in the same vein, if s13 includes any comments about the doctor being a woman, my eyes will roll so hard they’ll fall out of my head. three series in and it’s now established in canon that the doctor is the timeless child who we saw regenerate into multiple genders. enough.)

5. i’m already craving change. and i feel terrible for it. i’m craving a regeneration, or a companion/all the companions to leave so we can get a new one. purely just to spice things up!!!! i don’t dislike any of the characters at the moment, they just aren’t doing it for me. and this is undoubtedly the writers’ fault. i don’t remember a time where i was just over the companions being there. and i think this has to go back to the point i made earlier where they were all there together immediately. i feel like i would like any of the three of them so much more if they had one-on-one time with the doctor. and i don’t mean a five minute scene, i mean they were the sole traveler. maybe it should have just been yaz. or ryan could have been the first and then his grandpa tagged along.

6. i still deeply, deeply love this show. and that’s the only reason i’m criticizing it. doctor who has been my favorite show since 2013, the longest a show has held my attention and my admiration. i’m not dumping all of these complaints out into the air and continuing to watch just for the sake of collecting complaints to add to a list. i’m complaining because i’ve watched this show for years, with five different doctors, multiple companions, two different show runners, and i know how good it can be. so it makes me sad that it’s not living up to its potential. i gave chibnall series 11 to get his bearings on what the series entailed, i chalked up me disliking that series to the fact that he was a first-year showrunner. and there were improvements with series 12, i like far more episodes in s12 than i do in s11. but it still had a lull period which i find incredible given the fact that there’s three less episodes than previous series had. i just want things to be better. 

(also this is the most minuscule complaint out of all of them but pls bring back the christmas specials.)

anyway. i’ve said my piece. just wanted to let that all out. if you agree or disagree with me please let me know, i just want to hear everyone else’s thoughts. thanks!

[vesuviannights]

mc murders someone and main 6 reacts?

Hello anon! This one took me a little longer than expected. I really wanted to play around with each of the main 6/MC interactions instead of making them a generic murder scenario. MC has murdered someone each time, but it varies between accidental, intentional and dubious (and also one SUPER intentional murder). MC is always gender neutral. Hope you enjoy! also i had to have someone resend this in because i accidentally deleted it like a FOOL forgive me

Asra (accidental murder)

Returns to the shop after an extended trip away to find you curled up on the floor, just by the dried herbs. He had cut his trip short because he’d felt it, something had changed, the half of his heart you had was trembling

He shakes you awake, soft words and soft hands, and when you look up to him – broken gaze, parted lips – he doesn’t ask, just scoops you into his arms and takes you home

A warm bath with soft candlelight. He still doesn’t ask, maybe he just knows already. He checks you over to make sure there’s no blood, no hairs, no evidence—he could magic it away in an instant but he knows you need a familiar touch to comfort you, to let you know that you’re still worthy of it

He still doesn’t ask. When you’re clean, he dries you, clothes you, wraps you in the soft Alpaca blanket he bought on one of his more recent adventures. Starts the fire, tucks you in right by it to warm you up. Runs his hand through your hair until you fall asleep

When you wake the next morning, he’s waiting with breakfast and a hot drink. He’s in different clothes than the night before you think. You know he’s gone out and taken care of it, used his magic to cover the tracks you were too panicked to after the accident

When you’re ready to speak about it, he’s there, but until then he still won’t ask

And if you’re never okay to speak about it, if you never want to confess out loud, he understands and he’ll love you anyway and would protect you with his life

Julian (accidental or intentional murder, you decide)

You tell him outright what happened, no detail is spared, because you know the knowledge that you had kept something from him would hurt him more than the actual act of you murdering someone

He is quiet for a little while after you finish telling him, eyes distant

“Thank you for telling me, MC. It means more than you know.”

He wants you to show him where, if you’re okay with it, because he wants to make sure there’s nothing about the body or the scene that could link to you

Goes into full-blown Plague Doctor mode when you show him where you hid it, just under a bridge on the outskirts of the city (because that was all this fucker deserved) – murmuring to himself, leaning in close, almost completely forgets that you are there and the world is around him

You wait in the shadows as he methodically looks over the body; he touches it a few times, you think he’s changing something to keep you safe, but you don’t have the words to ask

When he’s done, he turns back to you, his reassuring lopsided smile back on his features as he wipes his hands on his clothes

He says no one will know, not unless you tell them, you’re safe

Asks you if you want to stay in Vesuvia – whatever reason this happened, if it stays on your mind, you can leave together. Sail the seas. For a little while or a long while. But you can also ignore it, it’ll be easy enough to do so

Takes you back to your home and draws a bath for the two of you to sit in together while you think about your answer. He pulls his fingers through your hair and sings—a little lot offkey—while you do.

Lucio (intentional murder)

You knew the minute the blood spattered on your face that there was only one way out for you. Cloaked, you make your way to the palace by night, and as the guards close the doors for the last time you slip inside

His first words aren’t about the blood, the slight shake to your lips, the different way you’re standing – it’s if they deserved it

He immediately says he doesn’t care, waves the question off as though it didn’t make a difference – he would help you either way

He’s in instant Count mode, barking orders at his guards, directing them to the part of the city you had left the still-warm corpse

He snaps at anyone who looks at you too long, even though they’ve all seen you there before, the Count’s wicked little magician

When you’re the only two in the room, he’s pacing, the fingers on his golden hand clicking as they twitch

When you’re about to turn and leave, he turns to you, shakes his head, promises no one will ever know, and he’ll throw anyone who finds out and wants to use it against you onto a one-way ferry to the Lazaret

He pushes you through the halls of the palace to his private rooms (you’ve seen them so many times before but he’s always taken comfort in being in control, and you suppose this is no exception)

He turns on his shower, tells you to get in, strips down alongside you

Only when you’re under the water together does he soften a little, pulling you into his chest, pulling his hands through your hair

He murmurs to you, just barely loud enough to be heard over the slap of the water against your skin: I always loved that there was a little bit of the devil inside of you

Muriel (intentional but unwanted murder)

He finds you doing it, standing over the still-twitching body

He’s ashamed to admit that he’s horrified at first. The sight of so much blood makes him step back a little, even though it’s you, even though he’d do anything for you, he still can’t handle it

His horror passes quickly and then he looks worried, not because of the blood, not because of the poor soul beneath you with the life draining out of their corpse, but because it’s you, because it doesn’t made sense to him

He lets you stutter out that you didn’t want to, you were made to, someone forced you into it

And his pained heart grows a little bit more for you, because he knows that feeling, that helplessness, that belief that there is no alternative—and perhaps there wasn’t for you

Quietly, he kisses the top of your head, picks you up and places you to the side

He handles the body gently, moves it into the overgrown archway of a nearby, abandoned shop, where people should really only find it if they go looking for it

He turns back to you, still so quiet, and picks you up and tucks you into his chest, covers you with his coat

He walks you back to your home, places you in the bathtub, runs it just the way you like. As he’s removing your blood-stained clothes (after asking you quietly if it was okay) he tells you that everything will be fine, you don’t have to explain what happened or who made you do it or why, but if it happens again you need to tell him, he’ll put an end to it, he promises

Nadia (insanely intentional murder)

You are dragged to the palace to face her after you were discovered standing over as still-warm corpse, blood spattered on your garments, knife in hand. You didn’t even try to stop them from seeing you or taking you.

Nadia comes to see you immediately, the second the lock clicks into place. The guard sneers at you, murmurs a word in some language you don’t know that you’re sure is an insult. Nadia’s expression makes them cower and run.

You willingly did it, of course. A fucking abusive asshole. No one deserves that treatment, and you would sooner give up your magic than see such a vile, despicable person continue to walk the earth unscathed

Nadia’s eyes gleam, almost proud, as she calls for the guard to return. They do, grumbling, and she snatches the keys from their belt to unlock the door

Ignoring their gaping, their insistence that all criminals must be trialled for their crimes regardless of who they are, she waves him off and pulls you in, lips to yours, and sighs softly into them

You must look a little worried, some of your righteous bravado gone, because she pushes your hair out of your face and shakes her head at you

“How could I ever be ashamed of or want to punish someone who protects my people from the vile creatures who wish to do them harm?”

And then she takes you back to the higher levels of the palace, walking you proudly—hand in hand, blood spattered—through the halls straight to her quarters, where she proceeds to bathe you and tell you more of exactly how proud she is

Portia (accidental or intentional murder, you decide)

Enters Big Sister™ mode even though she’s the little sister (but Lord knows Ilya has needed to be helped out of so many pickles that she has this specific Mode for occasions such as this)

If you start to shake when you tell her she sits you down, places Pepi in your lap, goes to fetch you some cookie dough ice cream

Along with Big Sister™ mode, she is also so used to running the palace staff and finding all the tricky ways to do things that she already has plans A through Z in her mind, ranging from if you still need to hide a body to if someone even mildly suspects you did anything

She’s a little pale through the whole ordeal but always reassuring you she still loves you, still cherishes you, she doesn’t think anything less of you, and you know each word is true

Sits with you running her hand through your hair, all night and all day if it has to be

Much like Asra, won’t push or pull either way. Yes, she has all these plans, but if you don’t tell her anything more then she won’t ask for more because the most important thing is that you are okay and if it comes down to breaking you out of jail or sneaking around Vesuvia to get you free of the city, she’ll do either gladly

[spooner-the-trinity]

How Infinity Train pulled from Infinity War’s Playbook for Doctor Who’s final curtain

Funding for Shaffrilas is provided by: Skillshare, the sponsor of today’s video. Stay tuned for a train ride to discountkosh at the end of the video.

O hai, Tetsuya Nomura. That’s a nice hole you’re digging with your Kingdom Hearts, what do you wanna do with it? Keep digging? Why thou? O for a production company? That’s great, whacha gonna do with it? Name and develop the town the Toy Story flicks take place in? Yeah, alright. Add the goofy jock from Glee as a best friend for Andy that the Triceratops assumes is just a Dinosaur Toy down the street? What a funny joke idea! Nix the final playtime they’ve hoped to cap off the film with and save it for a later project? A tad disappointing, but alright. Make Sora a vessel for Xehanort? Whoa, that sounds hella har- A sexy Genie of the Rose who grants a wish for every petal on that collar-mounted rose of hers? Unique concept, but I smell some Hans Christian Anderson shi- The genie’s life force is bound to the Rose so she croaks when the last petal falls ala Beauty and the Beast? And there it is, Color me unsurpri- The Genie finds Andy and drags him into a sex scene to the tune of Aladdin’s Friend Like Me? I don’t think the parents would be okay with their kids watchi- Toonami’s airing this show? Wait, isn’t it on a competing networ- Lewis from Meet the Robinsons is Deleted by DOR-15 Ala the Nanobots from Jimmy Neutron? Mister Enter would be insulted on how you did his favorite Disney flick dirty like thi- Andy is shot into a wormhole and is mutated into a photosensitive Beast? Guys, It’s starting to look like a bad ide- The Genie is an aged-up Bonnie and she’s pregnant with Shantae!? Get me off this crazy tr-

Infinity Train Productions is one of the boldest associates Disney has in its corner right now, from wrestling away ownership of three Gainax originals to collaborating with competing animation company Dreamworks, the IT guys are pretty renowned for their kooky crossovers and kookier cinematic universe. And they’ve made sure to make their acquired goods count towards that universe instead of burn it to the ground LUCASFILM. Starting off by stating this is a universe where Second Impact prevented the assassination of JFK by means of tanging up 13% of the world’s population and weaved a few stitches of train tracks across the globe, naturally the space race escalates exponentially and they begin to develop new technologies and elect Walt Disney himself to be the President of the United States with Nixon as his running mate. That alone resulted in a Sequel Show to Brigadoon where a 24-year-old Marin Asagi boards the Challenger and ends up cast into the future with Melan, a retelling of the first arc of Gurren Lagann that featured Yui Ikari as a supporting character that saves Kamina from death, a twenty-six episode miniseries featuring Andy from the Toy Story gaining a magical genie bound to an enchanted rose, and that’s just the first half of its initial decade. I could go on about its repertoire of shows both original and acquired: Twelve Forever, Evangelion, both Arcadia trilogies with the elder of the two being started by the aformentioned show with that genie of the rose titled, erm… Genie of the Rose, but the one I’m aiming my sights on is the latest acquisition, one that they made in secret. Doctor Who and how they pulled from the playbook of Infinity War to bring the story to its last stop. 

Now, quick recap on how Infinity War makes a powerfully heartfelt mass market appeal joyride out of a thoroughly depressing story about failure. Where most Marvel Villains are merely obstacles for the characters to overcome, Thanos acts and reacts as a real person. Where most conflict have certain factors that tip the scales in the favor of who’s tipping them, the conflict is one where either side could come out victorious, where the Comedy of the Last Farcebender ended with the good guys laughing off their failure, Infinity War ended with a content smile from Thanos and our heroes dead silent save for a minor peep of: “Oh, god.” Where the bad decisions in Farcebender are made from genuine stupidity, Infinity War’s stem from worrying whether or not certain sacrifices are worth it. With that crash course out of the way, let’s dig in.

First thing’s first, is the villain a compelling character? Well, although Sacha Dhawan has the same unhinged energy expected out of any incarnation of longtime enemy, the Master, complete with moments of geniuine affection to his former best beff, he’s ultimately not the main baddie of this piece, that honor goes to Alrick. Believed to be dead after a dirtbike accident, it turns out that he had been picked up by the train and has spent a good three decades or so fucking with the systems to construct an empire starting with the crazy world of Elmore all the way to the Lanes Between and yes, he has shown himself to be a caring father figure to Grace and Simon throughout the second half of Cracked Reflections which leads into the episode, he’s concerned for his future as he’s clearly not as lively as he was when he first climbed aboard and even expresses hope for Jesse returning to the train after taking the exit and getting seperated from MT. And oh, look! He returns after the big moment, that’s nice. 

So yeah, compelling villain, that’s one tick. Is there equal opportunity for either side to win? Well, MT and early on Jesse before his aformentioned exit have the additional assistance of the Watterson family, Banana Joe, and seemingly Penny for a scene only to reveal her in a new shell complete with mind-control and reflective surface to sick the Po-Po on MT. But despite being the protagonist of his show of origin, she’s not the opposing side to Alrick this time around, it’s the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey biatch herself and man, does it set up a curious comparison. Alrick is focusing his will into projecting his consciousness into the Doctor’s heart, an alien with countless eons worth of memories under her belt compared to Alrick’s measly sixtysomeodd laps around the sun. Not only that, but the Doctor is able to expel regeneration energy to fry the shit out of him if he feels the need to get a little messy. But with her locked up in the Time Lord Matrix which the Master has already skimmed through, there’s nowhere for the Doctor to run or even hide from Alrick. Throw in the Master’s ability to have his mind occupy two hearts at the same time whilst he’s chatting it up with the Lone Cyberman and the Doctor’s pretty pinned but still has a chance to outfox Alrick at the end of it all.

Bad decisions, the Doctor doesn’t trade lives so she keeps asking about the Timeless Child, what it’s supposed to be and why it drove the Master into absolutely butchering Galifrey after all the hard work each incarnation of the Doctor had. It turns out that this Timeless Child was a Pheonix Denizen created by Alrick to create a perfect world but One-One cast it out in hard-light beam form, striking Takeru and Ryou from This Ugly Yet Beautiful World from 2018. From the clipped wings came Hikari and Akari respectively whilst the main body crashed out of a wormhole into the sights of Tecteun who adopted the kid in time for a spaceship of highly-evolved snake people to crash land due to Kate and Leopold rules of time travel causing their machinery to get mucked up by Time Police in an episode of Rick and Morty of all shows, causing the child to fall to its doom and promptly regenerate, making her the first to do so in Galifreyan history. One of the survivors offers the gift of Time Travel in exchange for the power of Regeneration and Tecteun, scientist and explorer, jumps at the chance by means of tearing out the child’s soul for every three days that elapse. Obviously, she’s a fucking monster and she eventually does crack the code and test it on herself and the results allow the gift of time travel to bestowed upon the newly minted Timelords by Omega. Wow, all of this from a formally great show, (Doofenshmertz: what are the odds.) The Doctor is obviously unsurprised that Omega dangled the keys to time travel over the heads of the Shobagan race, but what horrifies her is that the very thing she and every other Time Lord we’ve seen had taken for granted was pilfered from a denizen that she learns after the life of abuse was created by some dude who hijacked some Train Car manufacturing equipment to build a perfect world. And it’s here where we see the main lynchpin of Alrick’s character: Perfection.

Those of you who’ve seen the whole series of Cracked Reflections will know that Alrick is an obsessive perfectionist first and foremost hence the plan to transform every Denizen of Elmore into full-blooded humans with leftover energy from this same Timeless Child. But not many of us recognize that this is only part of Alrick’s shtick. A simple man with complicated motives, a futurist in the trade of nostalgia, a conservative obsessed with progress, a gentle mentor with an impatient temper. These are just a handful of the ways to describe Walt Disney that were used by Ben Bouqulet, Mic Graves, and Owen Dennis to depict Alrick over the course of the last two seasons of Gumball leading into Cracked Reflections and Garrick Hagon truly gives his all portraying all the various shades of this man especially here when he is sharing his story of how he created a literal god only for One-One to cast it aside upon regaining control of the train from the very woman he spent the past 33 years building a perfect world for, a woman he cherishes like his older sister cherished his girlhood friend, a woman that even now still believes him to be ‘One-One: Gone forever?’ That is some next level tragic shit right there. 

Of course, the Doctor is still concerned for this child and it’s here where a familiar face crashes the party to let the cat out of the bag, Morbius from the Fourth Doctor Adventure Brain of Morbius outing himself as the infamous Timeless Child as well as harboring his disembodied heart in the Doctor after his ill-fated Mindbending Battle. This swerve may have served to provide added tension towards his motives, is he really wanting to go back to his home and views traveling with the Doctor as his only way there, or is he biding his time, waiting for his chance to overwhelm the Doctor when she’s not looking. As we see more of Morby’s checkered past in excruciating detail, slavery to the Division with everything down to his personality programmed and dictated into a mind-melded Morby by an enigmatic cult dubbed ‘The Master Writers’ An organization build solely and specifically for Infinity Train Productions to use in their portfolio of works. And when they were done with their enslaved progenetor, the Division in which they served lined him up for an execution from the Fugitive Doctor, during the 2nd Doctor’s orientation. Then they promptly merc poor Ruthie to regenerate her into the 3rd Doctor, closing the gap between Troughton and Pertwee. So yeah, The Division, they’re run by total assholes and Numero Dos only agrees to work there if his first assistant is longtime companion Jamie McCrimmon. But look at his face, does this look like the face of concent and tolerance to you? ‘Joe (Help, I’m a Fish!): Of course not!’ Props to Sam the Man with a Plan Troughton for filling his father’s shoes in this emotionally tense scene. And this ain’t the chilling twist that shocked the fandom. 

Alrick: “Whoever harbors the heart of the child is the child in of itself.“

Doctor: “Wot?”

Alrick: “It means that I will have my prize whether you like it or not!” (Punches through the Doctor’s Chest, crushes the Smash Ball within, causing the Doctor to turn into a pheonix before dissipating into Alrick’s body with the Smash Ball. Alrick’s Number skyrockets as his body regresses to his prime, the man laughing maniacally as the Timeless Child’s ultimate power rushes into him)

So yeah, Morby’s been reconstituting his powers over the centuries the Doctor had lived hence the golden energy during the later regenerations. How we find this out is by the titular character of the BBC’s last remaining reason towards that sweet TV Licence Money getting outright merced by Alrick in front of a guy that deep down still admires his childhood friend. This closes out An Untimely Caviat, the final episode in Doctor Who’s revived series, and leads us right into the finale of Cracked Reflection where he goes full on Disney Villain. Mercing the Master to make him a conduit to gijinkafy the entirety of Elmore, Co-Opting his Cybermaster drones as a mechanical army, ludiccrous speed incubating a pocket-dimension frog to house the Train Cars his empire had conquered via that same energy he channeled through the aformentioned Master, yeah, this does not sound like the man Amelia planned to marry if not had already married outright. Well, that’s the point. He’s drunk with power, it’s more likely that this is his ambition talking. No doubt he’s relishing in his own arrogance much to Marnie’s horror. Oh, yeah, Old Marnie’s doing her astral projection thing to react to her younger brother’s madness and watches on as MT gets roughed up by Super Alrick in front of an audience of his adopted children.

Of course, MT does find some santuary in the Number Car and re-unites with Jesse, resulting in the now sempailess Agent Sieve phasing through the glass screen whilst the train is figuring out how to solve Jesse’s seemingly unsolvable problem of getting a denizen off the train. But that just gives the Fleck some time to witness the madness of this rumored Apex fella as he ankleholds MT and gijinkafies Gumball and Darwin to demonstrate his final offer, her response is to break out a Denizen Ex Machina by prompting Alan Dracula to slice the monkeyfigher in half, causing him to regenerate into a pair of innocent, mindless little babies that will never bother anyone ever again… The Crown grieve for their master, Sieve calls off the manhunt for the rouge slither, the companions go their seperate ways with Graham staying on Earth to deliver the bad news the two youngest raising the two babies up to the Doctor’s standard… or at least one of them due to Yaz getting arrested by a Judoon Platoon before she could legally adopt Zarc. The expression of the companions are grim, and rightfully so, the one guy-or-gal that has kept the 21st century from falling into tyranny is no longer around to do the job they enjoyed doing whenever there was a sitch to see through. But after the wide shot of Yaz getting locked up in Shada we cut to MT, off the train and safe with Jesse in Arizona. Jesse’s brother Nate comes up to find his older brother with the very Chrome Girl he met on a magical train, Nate asks for the girl’s name and her answer?

Jesse: Dracula 2?

MT: (looks to the Lake, concerned that the Flecks would come after her but eases up when its clear that there are no Flecks coming.) I’m Lake.

We get a nice little callback to close out the series as the song Kibō plays in the credits, indicating that Hope is still out there in the cosmos, Doctor or No Doctor. And that is a powerful message to send to the audience and I have a pretty good feeling that whether or not the Doctor ends up getting revived in Kingdom Hearts III alongside all the absent heroes that Infinity Train productions had raked in over the years doesn’t quite matter, the studio does not need Doctor Who and its universe does not need the Doctor. And I have a pretty good feeling that the Doc may end up giving up their ticket back into the land of the living, leaving the universe to all the other champions of the cosmos that Toonami has flaunted over the decades. The Doctor has overcome many frightening, haunting, tyrannical, violent and downright Orwellian things in life and man, oh, man have we got a whole plate of them to overcome even now. Would I go back to this expansive world for further analysis, sure, if the views get gud. But the impact of the Doctor’s Death is a pretty big deal that actually caught a bunch of us by surprise despite the minor hints scattered throughout. (One-One: All aboard for emotional maturation on the finest freighter in all of Trenzalore) The Destiny of the Doctor News heard around the world, and the outpour of memories and grief rivalling even Mr. Peanut but unlike the legendary legume, our favorite timelord will probably be gone for a lot longer than just a couple of weeks and the time it takes will show how deep the rabbit hole goes. It will also show who’s willing to step up and find ways to make a difference in the lives of others, and they’re going to need to learn a thing or two to do so. (Cletus from the Simpsons Movie with the Skillshare Logo slapped onto his face in post: My time to shine.)

[annakie]

Notes on a Blog Cleanup (& some other stuff) Part 4

Made it all the way back to  to page 1000. 

Started with 3021 pages.  Currently have 2954 pages, adding in posting 10 - 13 times a day for the last month... deleted somewhere around 87 pages of posts (or around 1300 total).  I’m in April 2015.  So it took two and a half years to do 50% of my posting here and nearly another year and a half to get that down to 2/3rds. It’ll just speed up from here.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of words about tumblr, fandom, and Doctor Who.

I’ve found myself deleting more news articles lately.  There’s almost no cringe-y stuff left. If I go back and do this again it’ll be even more deleting current events stuff unlessI connected to it somehow.

A LOT of the content creation I ever did happened in this time.  I did so much giffing for Who’s Line, a lot of video game stuff, especially Mass Effect, cause you know, it’s me, and a lot of edits and such.  Some way better quality than others.  I was also getting thousands of notifications a day from the few things I did that were really popular back then (still sometimes get notes on that Whose Line/Elmo/Game of Thrones gifset to this day).   

I know I’m not like, the best at gifs and edits, but hey, I think some of it is like, pretty good?  There’s a few things I’m a little sad about that just never took off, but I bet all people who try and post OC on Tumblr feel that way about some of their stuff.  A few things I made did surprisingly well, though.

I still will make the odd gif/photoset there that’s more than just “here’s some nice screenshots I took slightly edited” but honestly, I feel like these days it’s so hard to get many notes on tumblr at all?  Like there’s just so fewer people making stuff, and even less reblogging gifsets/photosets?  Idk, maybe it’s something more specific to my overall followers and who you all follow?  But I made a joking post a couple of days ago about my dash feeling weird because not everything is specifically tailored to me after scrolling through my blog, but on the OTHER hand, I also feel like, overall Tumblr has become just yet another place to post memes and text posts and has the big problem of the Reddit/Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram (+TickTock) circle where each place is like 50% screenshots/reposts of content the others?  This obviously isn’t a criticism of any actual people, but just... what tumblr has become the last year or two?  Is it just me?  Like you can find some gifsets and such with a couple thousand notes here and there but... just not as much is being produced now?  Does that make sense?

Like a month or two ago I spent a couple of hours specifically looking for good general fandom blogs specific to several fandoms I’m in and... it’s hard to even find those blogs anymore.  Like, “fuckyeah” type blogs that are someone’s sideblog about a specific topic.  And hey, believe me, I’ve created and abandoned several of these kinds of blogs on my time here (and at least one I’d keep up with but.. it just doesn’t have any content being generated for it so it’s just... sparse) so I get it.  Maybe I’m just not looking in the right places, I don’t know.  

I keep wondering how much longer I’m going to keep doing this little project, and then every 10 or pages I come across a post I didn’t tag properly that’s now been found, or something I just really wanna get off my blog and I’m like “Welp, when I stop finding these, I’ll stop looking.  So maybe in like, 2018. :p  LIterally finding posts I forgot I ever made in the first place and like has made it worth it.

Notes on TAH Fandom

This was also the phase of being heavily heavily like SO heavily into The Thrilling Adventure Hour.  And I have a lot of thoughts on that, too.

Literally, one of the best decisions of my life, tbh.  Not every moment of being like a SuperFan of this thing was sunshine and roses, but most of them really were.  Honestly, I made such good friends.  I had some extraordinary experiences, doing things that I wouldn’t have otherwise done, for sure.  I traveled to Seattle, Chicago, New York twice, and LA three times, hanging out with new friends, and getting to know the cast of a thing I loved so much, and also somehow getting to be known by them as well.  There were things that happened that I didn’t blog about here because I never wanted to come off as braggy, or just to keep a confidence.  There were a few not-as-great things that happened during that time, but basically, 2014 through mid-November 2015 will likely go down as one of the best time periods of my life, for a lot of reasons, but a good chunk of that was the experiences I had through TAH.

Hoo boy though, I blogged about it a LOT.  Like, it felt like almost as much as early blog was about Doctor Who.  I was, uh, real enthusiastic and am now kinda regretful about some of those early fandom tags.  Also turns out some of the TAH people looked at my blog more than I knew, I think, so a little yikes there thinking back on it now.  But also I was kind and helpful a lot, so all of that was good.

This is a good recap post of all of the awesome stuff.  And even that glosses over a lot of the really cool stuff, or skirts around some of it, just to try and stay brief about it.

One of the big things I learned from that experience was that being a very involved person in a fandom is such a double-edged sword.  For one thing, it honestly became somewhat of a second job for me, which I 100% put upon myself.  But running FYTAH (with Shannon!) and admining/writing a large percentage of the TAH Wiki (with Ange!), working in the booths at conventions (with Jena + Shannon/Kitty/Jamie/Dani) and being available to help in a variety of other ways was A Lot.  Which again, I took on willingly.  And Ange warned me about it several times but I was like “No I want to do this.”  So then it also kind of turned into like a customer service job even outside of working at the cons.  After awhile you gotta smile and be nice allllll the time. I ended up taking a lot of things offline to a small subset of friends.  And most of that came from other fans, not from the show itself (except like, feeling like I couldn’t show my true disappointment when the show was ending, or feeling like I couldn’t air any criticisms I had about the show except in very private conversations.)  

At one point I was having an email conversation with a couple of those friends and realized that, for the first time in my life, I was like a “popular kid”, which was weird.  And I tried my damnedest to be as welcoming and inclusive and not to let anyone feel left out.  But also there’s a point where like, you can only take on so much, and you can only be actual friends with so many people?   You can be kind and welcoming and enthusiastic and all, but you only have so much time and energy to give away.  There were so many messages I never answered still sitting in my / the FYTAH inbox or in email and some on twitter because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to give away sometimes.  It was a weird lesson to learn because I knew it so well in general in my personal life, but had never had to apply it... in this way before?  Does that sound weird?  Or braggy?  I feel like I’m walking on land mines with this one.

For a more specific example of what I mean, in March, 2015 ten of us rented a house and lived in it for a long weekend for the TAH 10th anniversary show + a fun getaway vacation. Everyone invited was someone I knew or were close with someone else in the group.  A few more people had been invited but couldn’t afford it, so word got around a little bit.  And it was AMAZING.  But I later heard that there were a few people, most of whom I didn’t really know, were hurt that they weren’t invited.  Jena and I spent dozens of hours and put a lot of financial risk into being the custodians of the trip for even the ten of us, and it was a huge undertaking.  It was never meant to be a thing for the entire fandom, just a group of people who were already friends.  But there was still a small kerfluffle from a few people about it.  Which, I TOTALLY get feeling bad about being left out but... it was always supposed to be a relatively small thing, never any kind of “Official Fandom Get Together”.  And we definitely didn’t have the time/money/ability to host an “open call for anyone to come” type thing.  Just coordinating 10 people (and about 25 - 30 overall getting together to hang out at designated times over the weekend) was... more than enough.

At one point sometime later people started suggesting that we organize and hold an actual TAH-Con and I... let that one pass me by without really talking about it.  It was definitely too much, and even then I knew it.  And I mean, the shadow of Dashcon was still hanging over all fandoms heavily in those days.  I wasn’t about to become the next Dashcon.  It never got past a few emails being passed around.

So yeah, to be honest, if I could go back and do those years again, I absolutely would, it was like 95% awesomeness.  But I think in regards to some of the fandom-specific things, I’d be a little less of a doormat, and I’d be a little more careful about spreading myself too thin.

So now that the show is “back”, I am enjoying listening to it, and I’ll reblog some things or post big news on FYTAH, but I’ve been lazy about even helping out with the wiki (I keep meaning to get back to it, Ange is still doing great) because... although I’m still a HUGE fan, I also am gonna be more laid back about it now.  

I also haven’t REALLY loved a thing in the same way since TAH.  The closest there has been is Critical Role, and I’ve been real careful to stay out of any actual fandom stuff there.  I really love the thing, but I’m gonna keep with my group of 5 or 6 other fans I already know (all from other fandoms) who love the thing too, and stay out of wider discussions.  With some of the stuff happening there lately, it was a good decision.  

Wow, that was a lot of words.  Sorry. 

Hey one last thing to catch up on.

Doctor Who Rewatch 2019!

I’m now already at 6x01, into the Silence episodes.

So I did finally rewatch the Desert Bus episode that I hated so much before and like... this time... it was fine?  Cheesy and all, but not so bad that I should have hated it as much as I did?  Also noticed the Doctor doing the classic “gonna hit on this girl really hard in the beginning then drop her so quick at the end” thing to the companion of the week.  Ah, Ten.  The most bi-polar of all Doctors.  I’m gonna be honest, I decided to skip on through Waters of Mars because I realized I was just ready to be done with Ten at that point.  I’ll probably go back to it at some point but I wasn’t ready for another Ten Temper Tantrum, maybe the worst one of all, in that episode.

So I finished Ten (and oh man that whole two-parter to end Ten with... like the whole Master plotline is such a stinker.  The first half, in particular, is so bad, the only really good scene is the one in the cafe with Wilf.  The rest of it... wow.  Wasn’t that whole thing written like the week before filming and never really edited or something? IDK.)  The last half hour or so is really good though, with Ten’s sacrifice (after a tantrum) and then all the companion goodbyes (except Joan Redfern’s granddaughter, bleh).  

But yay, on to Eleven and Amy and Rory and more River!

Season Five is... wow it starts off strong and really stalls there in the middle for a bit.  Picks back up a bit with Rory returning, then somehow has two great episodes without Rory and ends strong, though the first pretty nonsensical Moffat-era “this doesn’t make sense but it looks and sounds so good you don’t care, right?” season arc and ending.  Season six, I’m already remembering, is way, way worse for that.  But anyway.  Rory remains my second favorite companion ever.  And episodes with Amy, Rory and River continue to be my favorites.  Also? Matt Smith is so good.

But even early on in season six I’m remembering how really dumb the overarching plotline is... Moffat is great at “Oh man this will be cool so I’m gonna throw it in there! (and it really is some very cool stuff!) and hope it all makes sense later!  Or just don’t think about it too hard!”

Honestly though, despite all the quibbles, most of the episodes work on an individual level if you don’t think about the the overall arc Moffat is trying to do.  Even those that are a bit sloggy, like the Cold Blood/Hungry Earth two-parter, have enough great moments to justify watching them.  (Ambrose is still maybe one of the worst “regular people” characters to ever be on this show, though.)  There’s still no “Fear Her”.  And that’s pretty good.

Also?  The blog itself is now about as Doctor Who oriented as it is in the last year.  Like... oh the season is airing?  There’s a lot more good stuff to reblog, I’ll reblog good stuff.  Season not airing, a scattered post here and there.  It’s a much better place to be.

After Amy and Rory leave, that was about the end of my true like “Doctor Who Obsession” phase.  On my Blog we’re in the break between Amy and Rory leaving and Clara showing up. I never really clicked with Clara, I think like a lot of people.  Like I really liked the season with Danny, but after that season I never really rewatched episodes, so I’m looking forward to getting there and experiencing some stuff again for the second time.  

[madboxwithagirl]

The Tragedies of Traveling

Authors Note: This is actually the first fic I ever started working on for this blog. I finally finished it last week, and now you all get to read it! Thank you to the amazing @timelord-winchester-22b for beta reading this for me! 

Prompt: I wanted to write a more realistic side of what it would be like to travel with the Doctor.

Summary: No one ever said that traveling with the Doctor would be easy, but you never expected it to be this hard. You never expected to be traumatized by the things you saw. And you never expected to fall in love with the Doctor.

Warnings: Angst, crying, trauma, mentions of blood, mentions of death, mentions of homicide, suicidal thoughts

Words: 4,197

Ever since you were a young child, everyone around you would tell you not to talk to strangers. They would tell you to never get into their vehicles, no matter what offer they had given you. You were told to always let someone know where you were or where you were going when you decide to leave your cozy home. You always listened to and followed every one of those orders. Yet, you threw away every lesson as soon as you met that madman with his magical blue box. The day you met the Doctor was the best day of your life even though you had almost lost it to the robotic men who had nothing better to say than “DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!”

You knew that from the moment you broke that little never-get-into-a-stranger’s-vehicle rule your life was going to change for the better. Up until then, you had lived a simple life in a simple little town. You loved and adored your town, but you also wanted to get out and explore the world and all that it had to offer. What you didn’t know that you wanted, however, was to explore all of those wonderful planets and times that you didn’t know existed. You will never forget the confusion that you had felt when you first walked into the blue box. Your first thought was, naturally, “B-but…How could it possibly be this large? It’s so small on the outside!” You didn’t realize that you had spoken your thoughts at first, but the human-like alien’s laughter made you realize your mistake. When he told you that he could travel anywhere and anywhen you wanted, you were a slight bit shocked, but after seeing a structure that really shouldn’t be able to fit inside a small police box, you accepted it with ease. When he asked you to join him on a trip, you immediately said yes.

You quickly learned that traveling wasn’t as easy as you expected it to be. First off, this incredibly smart man seemed to have many issues trying to pilot his own machine correctly. When he meant to take you to a well known festival on a small little planet, he accidentally traveled to about year in advance. Now this usually wouldn’t be an issue, but the day you arrived at just so happened to be the day when severe civil war broke out. You had seen more bloodshed than you had ever thought was possible in such a short amount of time, and, while you and the Doctor were eventually able to stop the violence, you were terrified. When you finally got back into his blue box—it was called the T.A.R.D.I.S., you had learned—he offered to take you home. Despite your tattered clothing being covered in the blood of the fallen, you declined. You had been so so so terrified, but you just couldn’t force yourself to leave. You continued to find yourself in dangerous situations thanks to the man’s poor driving skills.

Secondly, the Doctor seemed to have a large amount of pain hidden behind his gorgeous brown eyes. He would often try to hide his pain for your sake, but you weren’t fooled. You had been in pain of your own and knew the fake smiles all too well. His bad days would be few and far between, but those few bad days would be difficult on the both of you. The first truly bad day happened a few months after you had started traveling with the man. It had started off normal enough. You had woken up a tad bit early, which was nothing out of the ordinary, and done your typical morning activities before making your way to the T.A.R.D.I.S. console room. As you greeted the Doctor, you saw that he was staring intensely at nothing in particular with tears falling down his cheeks. As he heard your voice his head snapped up, his intense gaze morphing into slight fear. Your eyes widened as you locked eyes, a bit scared by what you saw. The Doctor would be upset sometimes after a bad trip, but he was never this bad. When he opened his mouth to speak you ran and held him close, doing whatever you could to help your friend. That wasn’t the last time you saw him cry.

Thirdly, and this is what you considered the most difficult of setbacks, you were in love with the Time Lord. It was true that when you first laid eyes on him you saw him as incredibly attractive. His hair constantly looked like hands had been running through it (Sex Hair, as you had dubbed it), his eyes were a shade of brown that you found to be strikingly similar to a piece of chocolate, and he had a smile that made you have to smile back simply because it was so gorgeous.

So, yes, you found him to be a beautiful alien man. But as the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years, you realized you were deeply, wonderfully, painfully in love with the Doctor. You loved his desire to help those he didn’t even know. You loved his fire and his will to continue on even when the most reasonable solution is to give up. You loved how he would give everyone a second chance, even though most never seemed to take him up on his offer. But what you found that you loved the most about the madman was how he took care of you. When you were hurt, he would drop everything and tend to your needs. If you needed to vent or simply just let your mind be free, he would grab you your favorite drink or snack and listen. He would read you books when you were sick, wipe your tears when you cried, and keep you company on the nights when you couldn’t sleep. You were in love with your best friend.

And it all hurt.

The death and bloodshed would keep you up at night, you felt that you were of no help to the Doctor when he was breaking, and you were breaking from being secretly in love with him. Your thoughts were becoming darker and darker by the day as you fell into a depression and began to distance yourself from the man you loved. The years went on and none of it seemed to get better. The Doctor would often try to figure out what was causing the sad eyes and sleepless nights, but he simply couldn’t. Whenever he tried to ask, you would say that you just weren’t feeling well or that you were tired from the previous trip. The Doctor didn’t believe these lies, but he wouldn’t push you to talk. He would simply cross his arms and sigh before making his way back to the console room. He wasn’t annoyed with you by any means, but with himself. He thought that perhaps he did something wrong and that you didn’t know how to tell him that you were angry with him. Or maybe you were getting sick of him and his days of pain and sadness. His brain would come up with many rational—and irrational—reasons as to why you don’t want to spend time with him. Eventually he would come up with an explanation that hurt him more than any other and the more he thought about it, the more he believed it.

He began to believe that maybe you didn’t want to be on the T.A.R.D.I.S. with him anymore.

His hearts would ache at the thought of you wanting to leave him. Just as you loved him, the Doctor loved you too. You had stayed with him through so many years, through so many things, from failing to save lives to holding him close and rubbing his back after he spoke of the horrors of what he did to Gallifrey. But despite that, you had started to show aversion to being around him and visiting new places. He didn’t know what had caused it, but he couldn’t stand to see you in pain. He needed to find out the truth even if it broke his hearts.

You were laying in your bed in the special bedroom that the T.A.R.D.I.S. had made for you. You stared at the star-covered ceiling, looking at your favorite constellations twinkling while you thought of all of the reasons why this amazing adventure turned into an angsty burden on your heart and mind. Soon enough the self-hating thoughts made their way back to you.

Why did he ever let me join him? I’m nothing more than a burden.

He’s always so annoyed with me, like he’s tired of me.

He’s going to kick me out, I just know it.

I should leave before he gets the chance to send me away.

Maybe I should just die.

You shivered at the final thought, but you were starting to become desperate. You knew that you could never live a normal life again back in that small town when the past five years had made it so the entire universe was your oyster. You’d be forced to work at a job that you didn’t want to work at, be around people you didn’t want to be around, live a life that you didn’t want to live. The thought of taking your own life had made its way into your troubled mind many times in the recent years, but they became more prominent during the past year. You used to be good at ignoring the idea, more so when it became a common thought, but it eventually weighed on you too much and it shattered you. You found yourself with a few choices: continue to live on the T.A.R.D.I.S. with the Time Lord but be miserable, leave the Doctor and be miserable, leave and die, or stay and die.

If I stay, you thought, I would still be hurting, but at least I’d be near him until he eventually sends me away forever. But if I go now, I wouldn’t get to see him ever again. I could leave and end my life when he kicks me out, or I could die here in the place I love most. But then he would find me afterwards and I just don’t want him to see more death.

Tears began to well up in your eyes, blurring your view of the brightly burning stars. The options were overwhelming you and you really had no idea what to do. You wanted to stay with all your heart, but you knew that one day, perhaps soon, you would have to leave. Whether you were going to leave on your own terms or his, however, was the question. Before you could overthink any longer, you heard a knock and the familiar voice of the man who swept you away.

“I know that you’re awake. May I come in?” Your heart began to race, the seriousness of his voice scaring you. Why was his voice so serious? Did you do something wrong? What did you do wrong? You must have done something wrong. You took a deep breath and tried to blink away the tears before giving the Doctor permission to enter. As he come in and sat in front of you, you saw that he had both a sad and serious look on his face and your heart began to beat even faster. You sat up and tried to make yourself look as cheerful as possible before speaking once more.

“Hey Doctor! I’m so sorry that I haven’t been out to the console room for a few days. I’ve been getting some reading done on some of the books I bought from—“

“Why do you keep lying to me?” You could have sworn you felt your fast-beating heart stop before it sped up even more.

“W-what? I don’t know what you’re talking abo—“

“Why are you avoiding me, love? Did I do something wrong? Because I can fix it. I just need you to let me know. Did something happen that I didn’t know about? Did you get hurt on an adventure? Are you sick? D-do,” the Doctor took a shaky breath before making himself ask, “Do you want to leave the T.A.R.D.I.S.? Do you want to go home?” Upon hearing him wondering if he was cause of your isolation, the tears that you had managed to keep at bay started to run down your face silently. Hearing him call you love made more tears chase after the first. Hearing him express concern for your well being caused your face to contort as you tried to stop the chase. And when you heard him ask if you wanted to leave you let out a soft cry and tried to hide the shame on your face. Upon seeing you try to hide away, the Doctor pulled you close and held you as tightly as he could. Your ear was placed on his chest and you heard his twin hearts beating wildly.

“Oh darling, please tell me what’s troubling you. You can tell me anything, you know that? It doesn’t matter what it is. It can be silly human things or big space things. It can be about me, you, Jack, anybody. I just need to know. I need to help you. I have to help you.” The last one was more to him than to you. Of course he wanted to help you, but he could never live with himself if he didn’t do what was best for you. He needed you to be happy, to be cared for, to be alright.

As he spoke and you began sobbing, you wrapped your arms around the Doctor and held onto him as strongly as you possibly could. You didn’t want him to go away. You didn’t want to lose him. As you continued to sob, the Doctor continued to speak, his voice beginning to waver.

“I don’t know what caused this, and I don’t know why you won’t tell me. You weren’t always like this. You were so happy to get out and go on a new adventure with me. But then you just started to avoid me.” He himself started to have falling tears with more sliding down his cheeks. They all landed in your hair. “I’ve been trying to figure out for ages as to why you don’t want to continue going out and traveling with me. I…The only thing I can think of is that you just don’t want to be around me. And that you want to leave me.” He let out a cry as he finished his sentence. He let out a quivering breath and continued. “I…I understand if you want to leave. I won’t stop you. Just please, if you’re going to leave, tell me why. I need to know.” The Doctor stopped speaking as he too began to cry.

Your heart hurt. It hurt with every beat, and it was beating far faster than it should have. You had caused the Doctor so much pain, but worse than that you made had him believe that he was the cause of your sorrows. Yes, your undying love for him was part of it, but that was in no way his doing. It wasn’t his fault that he was such an incredible creature. It wasn’t his fault that you were suffering from the trauma of traveling. He would never intentionally bring you to a place where you would be hurt in any capacity. And it certainly wasn’t his fault that he, too, was suffering. He was a victim of circumstance, just like you. None of it was his fault, and he needed to know that.

You gently pulled away from him, his arms refusing to let go for a moment or two before giving in to your desires. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see your face when you inevitably told him that it was because of him that you have been so distant lately. You brought a hand up to his cheek and wiped away his tears, a sad smile on your face.

“Oh Doctor, I…” You stopped. You couldn’t say that you didn’t want to be around him, because that wasn’t exactly true. You wanted to be around him, but at the same time you wanted to be as far away from him as possible. You couldn’t say that you didn’t want to stop traveling with him. The thought had crossed your mind a number of times. You didn't want to lie to him, but you couldn’t be truthful either.

You dropped your hand from his cheek, opting instead to hold his hands in your own. They instantly turned so they could hold yours in return. You took a deep breath and willed yourself to continue, staring at your intertwined hands instead of his face.

“It’s…complicated. I love traveling with you. I really, truly do. But the violence, the-the bloodshed,” you took a shuddering breath, “is so horrifying. I go to sleep at night and all I see is the blood. All I hear are the screams. It’s tearing me apart.” You squeaked out the last word, trying hard not to sob once again. You felt the Doctor’s hands squeeze your own in an attempt to sooth you. It urged you to continue on. “No matter what I do, I can’t make it all go away. Trip after trip, I watch so many beings die, beings that should have had more time. I keep thinking about their friends and families, the ones that miss them more than anything. And how there was nothing we could do to stop the carnage.” You closed your eyes tightly, trying to keep the tears from falling.

“And you…” You heard him take a deep breath, ready for you to tell him exactly what he had done wrong. “You are…amazing.” His eyes snapped open at your words. That wasn’t what he was expecting at all. “You are so magnificent. Everyday, I find myself amazed by how wonderful you are. You are beyond smart, even though you show it in such strange ways.” You chuckled softly, thinking of all the silly little names he’d give intricate concepts or inventions. “You’re beautiful in every sense of the word. You’re the most beautiful being I’ve ever met. But…” The Doctor braced himself. This was it. This was where it all ended for the two of you.

“I…You’re too wonderful, Doctor. No creature compares to you. Not one. I can never go back to living a normal, human life. I’ve spent so long on this ship, seen so many lovely things, met so many phenomenal people. When the trips are good, they’re incredible. I love it when you take me to your favorite places in the universe because I get to know a bit more about what makes you tick. I love it when you tell me facts about these places, peoples, histories. You whisk me away to places you know I’ll adore. You take care of me when I’m not feeling one hundred percent. You make sure that I’m well taken care of. You’ve trusted me with your darkest secrets, let me help you when you felt helpless. Doctor, this…I’ve fallen in love with this life. I’ve fallen in love with-“ You cut yourself off. You weren’t ready to say those specific words in that specific order, but you knew that this was the only chance you’d get. So you took it.

“I’ve fallen in love with you. Everything you are, I love. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I don’t think I can ever love anyone again, not the way that I’ve loved you. You’ve ruined me, Doctor, and you’re not even mine. You’re not even mine…” You separated your hands from the Doctor’s, covering your mouth with your hands as you let out a new set of sobs. You had no idea what exactly was coming next, but you knew that this was the end of the road for you and the Doctor. You waited for him to tell you that it was best that you leave, that he didn’t reciprocate your feelings.

You gasped as you felt strong arms pull you back in. You felt his lips leaving rough kisses on the top of your head. You felt his breath tickle your scalp every time he pulled away. And you felt your heart burst as you heard him say the words you’d been dying to hear for so long.

“My darling, I love you. Oh, how much I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time you saw me cry. I knew, oh I knew that I’d never find another as compassionate and forgiving as you. Even after I told you of Gallifrey, of all of the the horrible things that I have done, you stayed right here by my side. How could I not fall in love with you?” More tears fell from his eyes and yours, but this time out of joy and relief. You loved the Doctor. The Doctor loved you too.

You wrapped your arms around his body, somehow pulling him closer. You both fell back on the bed, simply laying in each other’s arms as you took in the moment. Your happy cries turned into joyous laughter, your joyous laughter turned into content chuckles, and your content chuckles turned into lovesick giggles. You pulled away to look into his eyes, his own staring back at you. You let your forehead rest against his, soft smiles on both of your faces.

“I love you,” you whispered, so soft that he almost hadn’t heard it. His hand found its way to your cheek, his thumb rubbing softly along your skin. He pulled back slightly only to come back and kiss your lips. He was slow and gentle, trying not to break the magic of the moment. A hand of your own slowly made its way to the back of his head as you mimicked his movements, loving every second of his kind touch. He eventually pulled away, his breath wisping against your lips.

“I love you too, my dear,” he said softly before leaving a soft kiss on your cheek. He pulled you back to him, one hand rubbing your back while the other held your head to his chest. You listened to his hearts beat in a steady rhythm, a stark contrast from earlier. Exhaustion from the day’s events began to creep on you, his heartbeats lulling you to sleep. Before you could enter a peaceful sleep, however, the Doctor started to speak softly.

“Sweetheart?” he asked, making sure you were awake before he went on. You nodded and hummed softly in response. “I know what it’s like to be mortified by the awful things in the universe.” You lifted your head up and looked at him. He was staring at the ceiling, the stars reflecting in his beautiful eyes. “I’ve seen terrible things. Committed horrible crimes. You already know that. They will never leave me, those memories.” He glanced down at you before continuing. “But I’ve learned how to cope. Had I not, they would have eaten me alive, much like they’re doing to you now.” You looked away, embarrassed that you did not hold the same resolve as he did. A hand gently caressed your cheek and forced you to look back up at the Doctor, his old eyes full of love and adoration. “Darling, if you will allow me to, I want to help. We can find someone who will help you learn to cope as well. If…” He gulped before continuing. “If going home and no longer traveling with me would be better, I will—“ He was cut off by your lips on his. While your first kiss had been sweet and full of love, this one was rough and full of desperation. Your hands quickly grabbed onto his hair while his arms wound around you tightly, terrified to let each other go. You were both panting when you pulled away, eyes wild and hearts beating quickly.

“I don’t want to leave you. I never want to leave you. I want to spend my life right here, with you, in the T.A.R.D.I.S., exploring the universe.” His signature smile appeared at this, causing you to smile right back. No words needed to be exchanged. You knew you could stay. You readjusted yourselves so that you were both under the warm sheets. Your head went back to his chest as his arms fell around you once again. Cozy and content, you closed your eyes and allowed yourself to finally rest. As you fell into a dreamless sleep, you felt his lips on your temple and heard him whisper softly.

“We’ll get through this, together.”

[violetsmoak]

Appetence [7/?]

AO3 Link:https://archiveofourown.org/works/20251420/chapters/47997634

Blanket Disclaimer

Summary: Red Robin is investigating the disappearance of a friend and stumbles into a spot of supernatural trouble. He doesn’t expect to be saved by Jason Todd, miraculously alive five years after his death and now with the inexplicable ability to commune with the dead. Meanwhile, when Jason returned to Gotham he meant to maintain a low profile and not get involved with Bat business. That was before he found out how hot his Replacement is.

Rating: PG-13 (rating may change later)

JayTimBingo Prompts This Chapter: N/A

First Chapter

Author’s Note(s): Apologies for the wait. As you may know I had an adventure with my dropbox wherein I backed up all my files because I had to restore my laptop, and all of the files ended up mixed up in the wrong folders and I've been tracking down files one by one for the past week. I hate technology. I mean, I guess I should be happy the files didn't get deleted, but it's still a pain in the ass to re-organize manually.

Beta Reader: I’ll get back to you on that.

________________________________________________________________

Tim stares at the business card in his hand long after Jason disappears, thumbing over the false name and phone number with a reverence once reserved for clandestinely captured photographs.

Victor Shelley, Paranormal Investigator.

He wonders if Jason was trying to be funny choosing that name. Given what Tim’s heard about him in the few instances where Dick or Alfred talk about him, and what he saw for himself in the past, he thinks it’s entirely likely.

God, Dick and Alfred.

He knows they’re going to be just as blindsided about this as Bruce when they find out.

If they find out.

Guilt flickers through him now at the promise he made to Jason.

Why the hell would he promise a man he doesn’t really know—a man he’s spent a grand total of an hour and twenty-three minutes in conversation with—that he won’t let his adopted father knows he’s not dead.

That he hasn’t been dead for years.

That he’s in Gotham right now.

Tim wishes he could say it was one hundred percent his shock at Jason being alive, but that would be lying to himself. His mind flashes back to Jason’s face, his slow smirk and the smooth, deep voice, and he swears, letting his head fall against the counter.

Apparently, I promised him because he’s pretty.

It’s a new feeling for Tim. He’s never been easily swayed by looks, but something about Jason is attractive enough to put him off-guard, or at least loosen his lips more than normal.

I thought I was over this…

“I know that face.”

Tim startles and glances up at the bartender—Trista—who he had forgotten was there. He’d forgotten he was sitting in a bar, to be honest.

“Judging by the ass on that man, I can guess what it’s about,” she continues in a wry tone. Then she’s sliding a shot of amber liquid toward him. “Here. To steady your nerves.”

Tim stares at the alcohol in numb confusion.

“That’s on the house, but only because he talked more with you tonight than I’ve seen him do with anyone since he got here,” she goes on. “We’ll both pretend I don’t know you’re underage.”

Tim is too flustered by everything she’s just said to do anything other than accept the shot under her knowing gaze. Then, he beats a hasty retreat from the bar as fast as humanly possible without it looking like he’s running away.

Distracted, he returns to his apartment in the Theater District, trying to parse the events of the night from an objective viewpoint. He’s not entirely sure he didn’t dream it all up, considering whatever that incubus did to him, and so he runs tox-screens on his blood and gives himself a full physical just to make sure.

Other than spikes in several hormone levels—adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin—his results are normal. Nothing that would really alter his perceptions of reality, the way Scarecrow or Poison Ivy’s concoctions tend to do.

That confirmed, he should be able to leave the matter alone for now. There are more pressing matters to deal with—Dante’s continued disappearance being one of them.

But thoughts of Jason continue to assault Tim’s thoughts.

Something has been bothering him since his conversation with Jason, something he wondered before but couldn’t ask because Jason got skittish and made a run for it

How the hell did Constantine cross paths with Jason anyway?

Aside from his inexplicable presence in Gotham at some point in the past five years without attracting the attention of Batman, what would interest him in a teenaged John Doe with no identity or memory?

Sliding into the chair in front of the computer in the Nest, Tim calls up the autopsy report, even though he doesn’t really need to see it. He memorized it years ago. Still, if he’s going to investigate this, he needs concrete facts, not just his memory.

It’s not difficult to create a timeline of events, between Jason’s official death and now. Or to search a list of John Does at various hospitals in Gotham within the last five to ten years, whose condition upon admittance matches the description of Jason’s injuries at death.

He finds the information he’s looking for within twenty minutes.

As it turns out, things didn’t happen quite as neatly or quickly as Jason’s story suggested. His stay at Gotham General was a lot longer than he let on, and Tim’s stomach twists as he reads the medical reports.

Various physicians left their comments on the patient, a young man of about fifteen or sixteen, severely beaten and malnourished, picked up several miles from the hospital.

The file includes a mugshot of a heavily bandaged youth, head shaved from what records indicate were several procedures to repair brain bleeds, skull, and facial fractures. Bruises and swelling make his features almost unrecognizable, except to someone who has memorized pictures of that face since he was ten years old. Someone who knows the cut of that jaw and the color of those eyes, however bleary and vacant they are as they stare into the camera.

“God, Jason…”

Tim reads over the doctors’ notes that span the course of a year, cataloging how well the boy is healing considering the heavy damage he sustained, and how he would be considered a miracle patient but for the fact whatever happened to him caused significant brain damage.

Clear psychological damage, hearing voices, incapable of speech, easily upset.

On several occasions, the boy became unaccountably terrified, screaming and yelling and trying to claw out his own eyes. Sometimes it even became violent, and in his struggles, he put three doctors, a nurse and two orderlies in the emergency room.

I’m surprised it was only that many people. Considering his training, he could have done a lot more damage.

Eventually, he always had to be drugged and restrained.

Demonic possession, maybe?

It’s not the first thing Tim would think of, but if Constantine’s involved in all this, it would make sense. And coming back from the dead like Jason says he did, it had to have side effects.

Except, there’s no mention of anything superhuman or beyond the realm of possibility regarding Jason’s strength. Surely the doctors would have made note of anything beyond the abilities of a normal, scared teenager—especially in Gotham, where strange behavior was a sad norm.

No mention of anything resembling supernatural or metahuman abilities anywhere here.

Jason was eventually placed permanently in the psych ward and likely would have stayed there for the rest of his days, except the hospital’s budget was cut in his eighth month there. Space issues required moving patients to other hospitals, and—

“Oh, no. No-no-no, tell me they didn’t,” Tim murmurs, heart sinking as he scrolls down the page of the report, knowing exactly what he’s going to find.

They sent him to Arkham.

If Tim was horrified before by the notion of Jason’s resurrection and his condition afterward, it’s nothing to how sick he feels to learn that his predecessor was sent to the cesspool that is Arkham Asylum.

He needs to turn away from his computer for a few seconds and breathe, close his eyes and concentrate on not hearing the lilting, singsong voice and tinny voice in his head.

Hush, little baby, don’t say a word, Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.

Ever since his kidnapping, it’s the one place in Gotham Tim won’t venture—he’s not sure what would happen if he did. Whether he’d suffer a crippling attack of flashbacks, or march into the high security ward and slit the Joker’s throat with one of his birdarangs.

If Bruce realized Tim honestly can’t decide which would be the worse outcome, he knows he’d be benched for the rest of his life. He might not be Robin anymore, but the Family would find a way.

It’s fear of that more than anything else that helps him get a handle on his panic, tethers him back to reality better than anything else. Tim takes another series of deep, grounding breaths, before he feels confident enough to be able to get back to his research into Jason.

At least they didn’t put him anywhere near the Joker, it seems, he notices as he goes through the room assignments and Arkham floorplans. That’s about the only good thing about it, though.

Jason’s ward was for the non-communitive patients, the ones the experts considered untreatable. The ones that get forgotten about in the mayhem of the monthly outbreaks and pandemonium.

Tim’s stomach clenches tight again as he remembers incidents and dates over the years where Batman visited inmates at Arkham to interrogate them on the latest escapes or crimes happening in the city, or just to test the security there. Based on the location of Jason’s cell and Batman’s usual route, there are times when the two were only a floor apart

Tim’s heart aches for them both.

They were so close to each other! If only they’d known—!

And just as suddenly as Jason was transferred to Arkham, all records of him vanish. There’s no information about patient transfers or deaths or releases; instead, like many a nameless patient to be lost to the asylum over the years, he just vanishes.

People don’t just vanish. And in this case, I know he didn’t.

Tim goes on to cross-reference the potential dates of Jason’s disappearance with any visitors to the asylum. It doesn’t take much to identify the only visitor to the asylum for a span of weeks as a certain Chandler Ravenscar—names which another quick search link to aliases used by John Constantine in the past.

That brings Tim to a whole other avenue of research, refocusing him investigation on Constantine himself and his movements over the past years. He tends to keep to the UK, but every now and again travels to various mystical hotspots around the world.

There’s a backlog of security footage to weed through, occultist forums discussing the man and his exploits. Half of what’s written about him online is clearly conspiracy theories, a quarter of it related to some punk rock band called Mucous Membrane and something to do with the Reagan assassination. Those who have actually worked with him either seem too terrified or pissed off to say much about him.

Even harder is finding a video of the man; cameras and other surveillance devices appear to stop working around him. It’s even more of a challenge to catch a glimpse of the teenaged assistant that starts being mentioned several months after Jason’s disappearance from Arkham.

A chance freeze-frame from an airport in Beijing, however, is all Tim needs to confirm it’s Jason.

It’s hours later when Tim sits back, exhausted but now having at least a general timeline of what happened.

One thing is for damn sure—I can’t take this to Bruce.

The story is too painful, too unbelievable. If it doesn’t break him all over, it will have him lashing out at Tim for making up stories about a touchy subject. There’s enough tension between them both right now that he’s likely to question anything suspect Tim brings to him.

Or he would insist it was a trick, that someone had faked all of this. He wouldn’t take Tim’s word for it, would investigate himself, prepare himself for an interrogation when what Jason needs is to have a face to face with his adopted father and mentor.

And Jason’s story still has too many holes in it for Tim to tell it, begging more questions than answers.

Like why Constantine took you from Arkham in the first place. And also…there’s one other thing that doesn’t make sense.

Well, a lot of things don’t make sense, but this stands out.

Tim goes back to the hospital records, scanning for the section where he remembers reading the information.

John Doe’s injuries in the medical files are all consistent with those in Jason’s autopsy, with every scar and broken bone accounted for and described.

Except for an autopsy scar.

That would have been the first thing medical professionals remarked upon when Jason was admitted, but it’s not mentioned anywhere. Which must mean that somehow, Jason no longer has it.

So why did that heal and nothing else did? Could it have something to do with what brought him back?

There’s a sudden dull, clunk in the background and the slide of elevator doors, and Tim glances up to watch Stephanie Brown stride into his base of operations.

“I was on the way out and Babs sent me to check on you,” she tells him. “Apparently someone missed work today without calling in and isn’t answering their phone.”

Tim startles at that, glances at the clock in the corner of his screen and swears when he realizes she’s right. He was supposed to be at Wayne Enterprises an hour ago. When he glances at his cellphone, he sees twelve text messages and three missed calls from Lucius, Dick and Bruce.

“I didn’t even notice,” he groans. He was so caught up in finding out more about Jason that he lost track of time. He quickly taps out a group message reassuring them he’s fine and will be in soon.

“At least being flaky is characteristic of billionaire teenagers,” Steph says as she wanders over.

Tim quickly minimizes his search and swivels around in his seat to face her. “Why are you even awake this early?”

Given the way she spends her nights, Steph made a point of having all of her classes in the afternoon. She’s possibly less of a morning person than Tim is, to the point where even coffee doesn’t make her a little more human.

“Blame my new roommate,” she grumbles, and that earns a surprised look because it’s the first time he’s heard of this. “Right, I didn’t tell you, did I? So, a couple of weeks ago this cat shows up on the fire-escape outside my window. And I didn’t mean to feed it, but it looked so sad and pathetic and I had to, so now it won’t leave me alone. What am I supposed to do? I don’t have time to be a pet owner.”

“Cat’s don’t actually take that much care.”

“That’s what they want you to think. And then one cat becomes two, and two becomes three and the next thing I know, I’m going to be the crazy cat lady on the block,” Steph complains. “And not to cool, sexy, Selina kind of cat lady but the sad, single shut-in.”

“You could never be a shut-in. No four walls can keep your raw joie de vivre inside,” Tim says in a flat tone.

“You’re just saying that because you’re my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.” She frowns in confusion. “Are we in an on-again or an off-again right now? I forget.”

Tim remembers Jason’s cocky grin and muscular thighs and his mouth goes dry. “Off. Definitely off.”

Steph’s eyebrows disappear into her hairline. “That was weirdly assertive. Am I sensing a pretty girl behind that sentiment? Do I need to give a shovel talk?” Something occurs to her and she scowls. “It’s not that Lynx chick, is it? Trust me when I say that would be a bad idea.”

“There’s no girl,” Tim mumbles. “Trust me.”

“Okay,” she allows, slow and still somewhat dubious. “But you’d tell me, right? If you were seeing someone? Only so I don’t go crossing lines or causing jealous rage or something.”

“There’s nothing going on, yes I would tell you, can we please move on?” Tim huffs. “Tell me about your cat.”

“He’s not my cat.”

“You fed him, he’s your cat.”

“Stop changing the subject. You’re being evasive—there so is a girl.”

“There’s no girl!” Tim groans, half tempted to tug at his hair. “Who could look at another woman after being with you?”

“I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or as an insinuation I was so horrible that I turned you off women for good,” Steph says, eyes narrowed in suspicion. A beat later, she tilts her head to one side as if something has occurred to her. “Wait. That’s it, isn’t it? It’s a guy. This someone’s a guy. You know you can tell me, right? That would totally be okay—would actually explain a lot, actually—you know, you liking guys—”

“One guy does not equate guys.”

“Oh my god! There is! There’s a guy!” Steph squeals. “Who is it? It’s that friend of yours, that went missing, isn’t it? Dante something? That’s why you’ve been so obsessed with finding him!”

“I’m determined to find him because he’s my friend,” Tim counters, a bit irritated. “The same way I’d be determined to find Ives or Bernard or anyone I cared about. And I’d be doing that right now if someone wasn’t distracting me.”

Two someones, but she doesn’t need to know about Jason’s role in it.

“And I’d believe that if you weren’t looking at me like you wanted to jump out of your skin. There’s something going on here, Ex-Boy Wonder.”

“There’s nothing going on.”

“Lies!”

“For something to be going on, you have to actually spend more than an hour with someone. You have to have known them for more than an hour.”

“Not if you have chemistry,” Steph points out. “Sometimes, it’s just like. Bang.” She grins. “And then you have to bang.”

Tim rolls his eyes.

“Do I need to give you the safe sex talk?” Steph asks with concern that’s only half teasing. “The gay-sex safe sex talk? Because to be honest, I don’t think I’d be able to do it with a straight face.”

“Steph, that was awful. As a former Robin, you should be ashamed.”

“And as a former Robin, you should be better at lying. So, spill. What’s going on?”

Tim studies her, chewing on his tongue; he knows she won’t let it go unless he gives her something. “Okay. Fine.”

“Hah! I knew it!”

“Not that. This is…something else,” he says. “Sort of.”

“Okay?”

“What would you do if…say you found out something really important to a person you care about. But you promised someone else you wouldn’t tell anyone about that something because of…reasons. Personal reasons.”

Steph crosses her arms. “Is this about me?”

“Not everything is about you.”

“Then it’s about Mystery Boy.”

“It’s not about—” Tim gives up, and then sighs, because it’s just easier to give her that one. “Fine. It’s Mystery Boy. He asked me not to say something that’s really important. I figure it’s because he wants to say himself in his own time. Except. Except it’s a huge thing.”

“Starbucks discontinuing pumpkin spice lattes’ huge, or ‘Hush trying to destroy B’ huge?”

“Closer to the second. Not dangerous like that,” he adds quickly when he sees her face. “It’s just…serious stuff that could hurt if it’s not handled the right way. Or if certain parties found out later and thought they were having stuff kept from them.”

“Well, now I’m curious…”

“I’m not telling you.”

“I know that. I’m just saying.” Steph sticks out her tongue at him, but then becomes contemplative. “I guess I’d keep my mouth shut. Or try to, at least. Stuff like that always tends to come out eventually. But if you’re worried it could hurt someone, maybe you can convince Mystery Boy it’s in his best interest to tell someone.”

“Yeah, that didn’t go over too well.”   

“Well, whatever you do, don’t get into your micromanaging, control-freak headspace,” she tells him. “That’s one of the things that torpedoed you and me, and if you want things to work out with this guy, you should respect his wishes.”

“I never said anything about wanting anything to work out with anyone,” Tim protests. “I just met the guy.”

“And somehow he got you to promise not to tell something that’s apparently really important. Which means you already value him somehow, and that only happens to you when you really like someone. Also, you might be able to straight-up bluff Batman or Ra’s al Ghul, but I know how you look when you like someone and don’t want anyone to know it.” There’s a beeping noise and Steph digs out her cellphone. “And with those pearls of wisdom, I have to get going. My mom found the cat and she’s having a conniption.”

She turns to leave, pauses once she enters the elevator and turns back around, jabbing a finger at him.

“Shower, eat, go to work, stop obsessing about stuff you can’t control—and don’t try to control stuff that’s not your business.”

Tim bristles. “Yes, Mother.”

“Oh, you did not just go there,” she growls as the elevator doors close and Tim grins until she’s gone.

He knows that Steph’s right, to a certain extent. This whole Jason thing isn’t his business—he was only ever an outside observer, a legacy after the fact. And even if it was his business, it’s not his predecessor’s sensibilities he should be protecting.

Ill-advised crush aside, he doesn’t have any connection loyalty to Jason Todd. He does owe Bruce—he should be going straight to him about this.

Except…

Except, Tim really doesn’t want to be added to the list of people who betrayed Jason’s trust. Especially given how fragile it is given their short acquaintance.

Tim groans and leans back against his chair, wishing for an easy solution. He’s usually able to figure out what to do, even when it comes down to the hard choices.

“Stop obsessing about stuff you can’t control—and don’t try to control stuff that’s not your business.”

Steph’s right.

He’ll do as Jason asked.

Or, at least he’ll give it a week.

If he hasn't figured out any other way to deal with the situation, he'll go to Bruce.

In the meantime—he has an investigation to get back to.

⁂⁂⁂

Next Chapter

[gwynnew]

The evolution of an earworm: 'Coco' songwriters on how they came up with Oscar-nominated 'Remember Me'

Coco (Disney-Pixar)

Songwriters Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Bobby Lopez, Oscar winners for “Let It Go,” explain how their latest Disney tune changed along with the film.

While working on the Pixar film Coco, married songwriters Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Bobby Lopez wrote a handful of songs that didn’t make the finished film. As it turned out, Coco only needed one. “Remember Me,” nominated this year for an Academy Award for Best Original Song, is the tie that binds the story together. We first hear it sung by Ernesto de la Cruz (Benjamin Bratt), the famous mid-century Mexican musician idolized by young hero Miguel (Anthony Gonzalez). Miguel secretly learns the song on his guitar despite his family’s dictate that music is forbidden from their home. Later, Miguel and the audience discover that “Remember Me” originated as a lullaby from Miguel’s great-great-grandfather, a traveling musician, to his own daughter. When the story comes full circle, and Miguel returns from the Land of the Dead to play “Remember Me” to his great-grandmother, it’s one of the most emotional moments in any Pixar film.

The Lopezes, who previously won an Oscar for “Let It Go” from Frozen, spent years developing Coco with Pixar’s writers and filmmakers. Now they’re celebrating their Oscar nomination in the midst of rehearsals for the Broadway adaptation of Frozen, for which the couple wrote 12 new songs. In an interview with Yahoo Entertainment, Kristen and Bobby went deep into the evolution of Coco from a full-blown musical to a single-song adventure. The songwriters described cut song moments, the “puzzle” of writing the double-meaning lyric, and the very personal meaning “Remember Me” took on in their own lives.

Watch an exclusive video featuring Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson-Lopez discussing all the versions of “Remember Me” in Coco:

Yahoo: So you’re doing Frozen on Broadway and doing Oscar press, and you’re also parents — have either of you slept lately? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: No. At one in the morning last night I was like, “OK, need to find an Oscar dress, need to find Oscar travel, need to remember to take my daughter to the doctor tomorrow.” I mean, it’s just one of those times. But these are good problems to have.

When Lin-Manuel Miranda was nominated in this category last year, I talked to him during the Super Bowl because that was the only time he had free. Bobby Lopez:  That’s a safe bet for all musical theater composers. Kristen Anderson-Lopez: We were totally free during the Super Bowl. We had dinner and actually talked facing each other. It was lovely.

Coco and Miguel in concept art for Coco (Disney-Pixar)

Before we get into “Remember Me,” I want to talk about how your work on Coco began. We recently ran on Yahoo Entertainment a couple of deleted scenes from when it was more of a musical. And I was very confused by that, because the whole premise of Coco is that Miguel’s family has banned music, yet in the original concept they were bursting into song.  So maybe you can shed some light on what that story was like when you first came into it and how it evolved. Kristen Anderson-Lopez: Well, you already put your finger on why it wasn’t a musical. [laughs] Because having a family that sang about not loving music just didn’t sit right in that moment. I think we could have gotten away with it, but it was questionable enough that we were like, you know what? There’s so much else moving as this story develops; let’s get the story right and make it a story with songs… Bobby Lopez: I’m flashing back, actually, to a device that we tried — that didn’t work, but was a really valiant effort — that there was sort of a curse on the family after they died, that in the afterlife for eternity, since they had turned their backs on music, they were all cursed to have to sing everything they said. And we had to make all of their lines into sung little bits. It was pretty funny and wacky. But, that didn’t work.

How many songs did you actually work on for Coco? Was “Remember Me” the first? Bobby Lopez: “Remember Me” was the first. And it has always been in every version of the script, and it always worked. It was always emotional. And it never changed. And then the other songs, I think we wrote maybe five or six other ones.

Ernesto’s family in Coco (Disney-Pixar)

Kristen Anderson-Lopez: The other thing is, we were very involved in the story. Something that people don’t really know about what we do when we work on these movie musicals — especially with this one — is that we were there from the seed of the idea. We really shaped these character, and really shaped who Mama Imelda was going to be. We spent hours and hours and hours on that — which is I think very different from many songwriters who get called up to write a song when the movie is already done. That’s not what we do. They come to us and say, we’re interested in maybe making this a movie with songs, or a musical – can we explore that together? And we do a lot of story work with the story team and the directors. A lot of that story work is still in [Coco], and then I think we did do five or six songs. It’s more like an exploratory process. We have a couple different “I want” songs for Miguel that fit the same exact moment in his hidey-hole, where he’s sort of dueting with Ernesto de la Cruz. Bobby Lopez: Where he’s playing the guitar and watching him on TV. Kristen Anderson-Lopez: We wrote a couple versions of that song. One that I really love called “Invisible Music” –  it was like [sings] “I only play invisible music…” It also spoke to what happens – like, we wrote all this invisible music for the movie! [laughs] But it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do, because there were so many things we had to hit to get the authenticity right. And the story had so many moving parts. The most important factor was telling the story that really reflected: If you are Mexican-American or Mexican, you see your family up there, you hear your family up there. And that ultimately was the right guiding principle.

Was there a pitch for Coco that made you say, “We definitely want to do this,” or was it simply the opportunity to work with Pixar? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: Yeah. [laughs] Both of those. I mean, early early on in our career, Bobby and I got to go to Pixar when we were turning Finding Nemo into a musical for Walt Disney World. And we used to joke around after we went on the tour and saw all the secret lounges and all the creativity and the fact that they want their workers to like, take macramé and do yoga in the middle of the day to keep their artistic juices flowing. We left and we were like: Pixar is mother. Pixar is father. [laughs] It was a dream to work there with all of those vibrant, incredible storytellers. And when they said, we might have something, we were like, “Yes! Doesn’t matter! Whatever it is, we’re there!”

Miguel and Hector in Coco (Disney-Pixar)

Bobby Lopez: But then particularly when they pitched us “Remember Me,” I remember just feeling like, well that’s an idea I’ve never heard: s song with both of those meanings that the whole plot turns on. And it’s not only a revelation that a different songwriter wrote it and it meant something else, but then the music itself becomes the emotion of the moment too. We were just so excited by that idea, and then we really wanted to get to work on it right away.

So how did you end up writing “Remember Me?” Kristen Anderson-Lopez: After hours and days and years of talking, Bobby had this beautiful melody that kind of came out of him one morning when he was still in his boxer shorts. And he put it on my phone, and I took it on the subway. And it was sort of like figuring out a puzzle, to tell the really emotional personal thing I had to say — which is, how you leave a song behind for your kids when you have to travel. But we also needed to constantly make sure, in every line, in every word, that it could also be interpreted as the Ernesto de la Cruz version of like, “Goodnight ladies! Goodbye! Remember me when I am gone!” Right? We needed this showboating, “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” kind of version. And so the interesting puzzle was writing two different songs at the same time: one that really came as a personal, emotional thing, and another that was like, “Look at me.”

Miguel’s shrine to Ernest de la Cruz (Disney-Pixar)

“Remember Me” was also translated into Spanish for the end credits of the movie. Was that a process you were involved in? Bobby Lopez: Disney has an army of the greatest translators in the business, all over the world, doing this. I don’t speak Spanish, sadly, but what I’ve heard is that the Spanish translation really rivals our lyric in terms of emotion and quality, and that it has special nuances that it doesn’t have in English. And the way it turned out in all of its versions so far has been very, very satisfying to me, every time I hear it. Especially sung in Spanish — people sing it with a lot of gusto. The only thing that we contributed to the version that plays over the end credits was, we expanded the song. We created a transitional section, and we wrote a second and third verse of the song. So now we have the three-minute version that we never had had when we first wrote it. It was always a minute twenty, and now we have the full thing. And that’s what I sang at my mother’s funeral. It was nice to have it to sing, the full-length “Remember Me.” Kristen Anderson-Lopez: This was in August, and it was beautiful. And it had a whole other meaning and a different energy when Bobby sings it at the piano from the heart. Bobby Lopez: I was really happy to have worked on this at that moment, which is such an awful, heavy grief that comes on you. It’s nice to have music to help you through it.

The scene at the end when Miguel plays the song for his great-grandmother – I think that’s the only time in a movie theater when my son, my husband and I all cried really hard at the same time. What was your reaction to seeing that scene? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: The same as yours. I mean, we cried the first time we heard the script read in 2013, and we’ve cried every time we’ve seen it since. And then how the incredible artists at Pixar animated Nana Coco’s face, sort of coming back to consciousness, and then smiling at him at the end… Bobby Lopez: And you know, to me it’s when Abuelita reacts, because she’s the one who’s been stuffing down her emotions about being forgotten by her own mother. And when– I’m crying just talking about it! — when her look of dumbfoundedness comes over her face, that’s the moment that I cry.

This will not be your first Oscar rodeo. What place do awards have in your lives now that you’re regular recipients? Is it like a sports season or something? Kristen Anderson-Lopez: Well it’s very different, because in a sports season, the athletes are doing it every year. And for us, this is sort of the second time around. What I can say is, it’s much more fun, much more celebratory. Because the first time around, we were in constant state of fight or flight – like, “What do we do? We’re doing it wrong! We don’t know anyone! What is happening? I don’t know how to get a stylist! I don’t know how to get a dress!” And the second time around, we actually are able to turn to each other and say, “This is fun! Isn’t this fun? We just talked to Steven Spielberg! Holy crap!” Bobby Lopez: It’s like the second time you ride a roller coaster. It’s always more relaxing. Kristen Anderson-Lopez: This time around, we’re bringing our two girls, our children, as our dates. They’re twelve and eight now, so they’re old enough. And for us, we’re in the middle of Frozen Broadway previews, so we have not seen our kids very much, and we’re actually taking them to the Oscars to get in some fun time with our family and just really have an extraordinary experience. No matter what the outcome, it’s going to be something we remember for the rest of our lives and a happy day.

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

‘Coco’ the musical? This deleted scene shows Pixar film’s radical transformation (exclusive)

Lin-Manuel Miranda on His Oscar-Nominated ‘Moana’ Song: ‘You Start by Thinking, Don’t Write “Let It Go”‘

‘‘Coco’: How Frida Kahlo’s hilarious, inspiring cameo happened

[chasingthecosmos]

Two Words to Keep

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: T Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Chapters: 16/18 Read on AO3 here.

“This new body was all about words, but in that moment, the Doctor found himself struggling to find the right ones to say. He knew already that there were really only five that he absolutely needed to tell her - five words that would change their lives forever.”

A (sort of) season re-write centering around the Doctor’s touch telepathy and the many inconvenient ways that it gets between him and his companion, Rose Tyler. This work is based around Season 2 and the Tenth Doctor. It’s a sequel to “A Hand to Hold”, but can also be read as a stand-alone. This is NOT going to be a Doomsday fix-it fic, but there will be a separate Journey’s End fix-it sometime in the future.

Chapter Sixteen: Army of Ghosts & Doomsday (Part Two)

"You are proof," the Cyberleader later declared without any sort of prompting, "that emotions destroy you."

And, for the first time in his long life, the Doctor had to admit that the metal robot had a point. His emotions had always been an issue, ever since he had been a child - it was one of the reasons why he had originally left Gallifrey. And why did he even bother? What had emotions ever done for him except cause pain, hurt, and loss?

They also bring love, patience, and forgiveness, his bond hummed in reply as Rose reached with concerned curiosity when his morose mood began to seep across their connection.

And hope, he thought as he silently embraced her and solemnly vowed to not stop running until he had her back in his arms again. Always, always hope - especially when it came to Rose.

And it seemed that the universe was content to reward that hope as a group of six people dressed all in black and outfitted with guns and gas masks suddenly shimmered into existence out of thin air right before his eyes and immediately blasted all surrounding cybermen into smithereens.

The Doctor was shocked to see the familiar face of Jake Simmonds among them, but he was even more shocked when the young man flashed him an over-confident smile and hit the yellow button hanging from around his neck, which immediately transported them across dimensions to his own parallel version of Torchwood.

The Doctor barely had time to blink before the queasy feeling of being in an alternate universe hit him square in the gut and his mental bond with Rose was quickly and efficiently severed. The emptiness that he had felt in his head whenever he had been separated from her during one of their adventures in their home universe paled in comparison to what he felt now.

The broken bond was a physical, open wound in his mind and his ache for her nearly knocked the wind from his lungs as he stumbled clumsily on his feet and attempted to settle his dizzying thoughts. The Doctor pressed the heel of his hand to his temple in pain, as though it was a physical injury and he needed to stem the blood flow.

He was distantly aware of the fact that Jake was describing something to him, but the Doctor could suddenly care less about the impending collapse of all reality. All he knew was that he needed to get back to Rose - now.

"I've got to get back," the Doctor insisted desperately. "Rose is in danger, and her mother."

But then suddenly Pete Tyler himself - Vitex millionaire and apparent Torchwood executive - came strolling in and the Doctor silently rolled his eyes and wondered how many more times the combined universes were going to force him to watch this one, simple man die. Pete's easy dismissal of Rose and Jackie made the Doctor grit his teeth together in frustration as he silently cursed the entire human species (and the male sex specifically) for being incapable of thinking outside the parameters of a single reality.

However, Pete was good for one thing, at least - in that he was able to give the Doctor the full background story of the current mess that they were dealing with. It became clear relatively quickly that the dimension jumping was causing a huge disturbance in the fabric of reality and soon every parallel world would begin to suffer for it. That was, if any of the parallel worlds managed to survive the daleks and cybermen, who seemed determine to continue punching their way through reality in an attempt to exterminate/delete all sentient existence in their wake.

The Doctor shivered when they finally returned to his home universe. He could sense that Rose was still in the building - hovering somewhere just outside of his reach - but has he had suspected, their bond didn't immediately snap back into place, despite what he may have wished. With their connection so completely and viciously severed, he knew that they would need time and proximity to rebuild what had been broken.

He couldn't help but breathe a small sigh of relief when he finally strolled into the room that the daleks had taken up headquarters in and had the chance to lay eyes on her once more - Rose and Mickey, both of them still alive and well, at least for now. The wide smile she flashed him the second that her eyes landed on him gave the Doctor the swell of confidence that he needed to face off against one of his greatest foes, but he could see the questioning fear in her gaze as well. She had felt the bond snap just as severely as he had, and she had no idea what was going on.

"How are you?" he asked, grinning teasingly to disguise the fear and pain that still hummed in the back of his mind where he knew that his bondmate was meant to be.

"Oh, same old, you know," she replied casually, her smile not dimming in the least as he came to a halt as near to her as he dared. He knew that one wrong move on either of their parts could cause more pain than comfort with their broken mental bond lying in ruin between them.

But the Doctor's own discomfort had to be pushed aside as he faced off against the four daleks before him, who revealed themselves to be none other than the Cult of Skaro. Suddenly, he felt even more desperate than ever to learn the true meaning and purpose behind the Time Lord device that they referred to simply as the "genesis ark".

Strategizing against daleks had never been a particularly difficult task - they all basically had the same motivation and function: exterminate anything that was not dalek and destroy anything that got in their way. But the members of the Cult of Skaro were another story altogether - they had been created, brought up, and raised to think. The Doctor had never met them in the flesh before, but he thought that facing off against these four unassuming robots might just be his greatest feat yet.

However, even if the Doctor was never able to accomplish the monumental task that loomed before him, he could at least be satisfied with the consolation prize of being responsible for the reuniting of Rose's parents. He wished very dearly that he had still been connected with Rose in that moment, just to be able to share with her in her emotions as she watched her mother and father from two different universes embrace one another.

The Doctor had to settle, instead, for taking her hand in his and meeting her eyes in a silent vow to fix all that had been broken between them. As Rose squeezed his fingers and met his gaze, he could feel her attempting to reach for his thoughts with her own, but he had already constructed a careful barrier around his mind, burying his severed link deep within where she wouldn't be able to find it.

Rose furrowed her brow at him in silent question, but he knew that there wasn't time to explain to her the intricacies of telepathic bonds and how mending them could be like setting a broken bone - getting it wrong could cause devastating, irreparable effects later.

So the Doctor was forced to settle once again as he leaned forward and pressed a quick, comforting kiss to her forehead instead. "Later," was his only whispered promise as he squeezed her fingers tight and then rushed forward to lead them all off further into the Torchwood Tower.

The seed of an idea in his head was beginning to take root and the Doctor thought that he just might be able to save all of them, the entire planet, and all of reality along with it, if he could just manage to work out the last, drastic kinks - namely, how to keep Rose at his side when the universe seemed determined to rip them apart.