#did get that adhd diagnosis though so

[repmet]

Some favourite tags on my Merlin gifsets part 12 (x)

(prev)

[oh-meow-swirls]

i think this was funnier in my head.

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.

[blackcurrant-juice]

.

[melonpond]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[bratzforchris]

Sunflowers

Summary: Chris gets distracted easily. Like really, really easily. When he gets separated from Matt and Nick in the mall, he meets a lovely soul who understands just a little bit more than anyone else.

Pairing: ADHD!Chris x autistic!feminine reader

Warnings: Neurodivergent overstimulation, getting lost, crying, brief mentions of ableism

Word Count: 2.1k

A/N: The sunflower lanyard (pictured above) signifies that someone has a hidden or invisible disability and may need extra assistance/patience/kindness. I am not saying or assuming Chris actually has ADHD. If he doesn't, cool, if he does, also cool! This is all for fun and for diversity in the fandom<3 Enjoy!!

ADHD was a difficult thing to live with. It was more than just the stereotype of “Oh look! Squirrel!”. It was a constant condition that caused a lot of impact on one’s day-to-day life and happiness. Chris knew this better than just about anyone. Having been diagnosed in middle school, he found himself on a constant pendulum between spaced out with his head all over the place and extra hyper. Though he was medicated for it, there were still days where his body and mind were consumed with extra hyperactivity and energy, meaning he could be easily distracted, rambunctious, and fidgety. 

Both Matt and Nick were aware of their younger brother’s diagnosis and were extremely supportive of it, letting Chris run wild when he needed to and gently reminding him to take his meds and do his other daily tasks now that they no longer lived with their parents. The youngest really couldn’t have asked for a better support system, but that didn’t mean that there weren’t days where his brain betrayed him for quite literally no reason. 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

“Do you want your lanyard, Chris?” Matt asked as he grabbed his car keys off the hook near the garage door. 

The key rack held all of the boy’s keys and things they would need when they left the house, but it also held Chris’ green and yellow sunflower lanyard. These lanyards were a universal symbol that someone had a hidden or invisible disability and might need some extra kindness and assistance when they left their house. Chris had fought the idea at first, claiming that he didn’t need that; he rarely struggled in public. However, the change after he had agreed to try one due to Nick’s pleading to give it a shot had been immense. Strangers no longer looked at him like he was rude when he couldn’t help to butt in or play with his fidget toys as an adult, nor did shop owners hastily bat his hands away when he just wanted to touch things in stores. Of course, there were still bigots, but the improvement was more than he could have asked for. 

Now, Chris possessed his own sunflower lanyard, complete with a small card attached that read “I have ADHD. I can act restless and tend to fidget. I may act on impulse and have trouble concentrating. Please be patient and understanding.” and had both Matt and Nick’s names and phone numbers on it in case of an emergency. His lanyard also had a few pins, buttons, and pop-its on it so that the boy would always have something to fidget with. 

“It’s probably a good idea,” Nick added, coming down the stairs and typing out something on his phone. “Christmas is next week. The mall is going to be busy.”

Being triplets, Matt and Nick were incredibly in-tune with Chris and each other, and both boys could tell that today was going to be a more hyper, easily distracted day for their younger brother. Normally, they would’ve postponed busy, crowded spaces and must-do errands for a day where Chris was feeling more mellowed out, but they flew back home to Boston in just a few short days and had yet to buy Christmas presents for, well, anyone. 

Slowly thinking over the situation at hand, Chris grabbed his lanyard off the hook and placed it over his neck, but it wasn’t long until he had moved on to something else. “Do you guys think that there are triplets just like us?” he asked as Matt corralled him out the door. “But like, in China or something?”

The drive to the mall had been much longer than anticipated with all the holiday traffic, which allowed Chris more time to let his mind wander, blurting out every random thought he had as he played with the shark pop-it on his lanyard. Luckily, Nick quickly engaged the youngest in all his conversations so that Matt could focus, his own head spinning as he tried to keep up with Chris’ mile-a-minute chatter. 

“We should go people watching,” Chris announced as Matt parked their car inside of the heavily filled parking garage. “We could probably see some crazy shit. Speaking of which, did you guys see that episode of Live PD last night?”

Matt and Nick shared a glance over Chris’ head as they walked into the mall. The more Chris talked, the more he began to fidget, earning stares from onlookers, despite his lanyard. The mall was insanely crowded, which could either help or hurt. Somedays, Chris absolutely thrived in chaos, able to hyperfocus and get tasks done in record time. On others, his brain became so stimulated by chaos and change that he would shut down, often losing his ability to executive function in the process. Today was an absolute toss up. 

“Let the games begin.” Nick mumbled, grabbing his brothers’ hands and sliding through the crowds. 

As ‘cringy’ as it was, the triplets still held hands with each other in public, especially after Chris had received his ADHD diagnosis. Matt and Nick felt an almost protective sense over their younger brother, opting to help keep him safe when his brain didn’t always remind him to do that himself. 

⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

Things had been going fine for well over an hour now, but it was starting to become too much for Chris. They had already gotten presents for their dad and Justin, and were now on the hunt for a gift for their mother. As much as they loved and adored MaryLou, shopping for a woman as 20 year old men in a mall this crowded was a task. 

The youngest triplet was beginning to become overstimulated. His own thoughts had already been so loud and so chaotic this morning, and to add hoards of people, blaring Christmas music, screaming kids, and overwhelming smells from the food court wasn’t helping. He hadn’t meant to get separated from Nick and Chris; the boys had been poring over the jewelry counter in Macy’s when Chris dropped Nick’s hand, opting to pull his Airpods out of his pocket. Maybe if he could listen to the music he liked and that calmed him down, he could manage the rest of this trip without a meltdown. 

Chris had just slipped his earbuds in and pressed play on Life of a Dark Rose when he realized that neither Matt nor Nick was standing next to him. Not yet panicked, he looked around the floor of the department store, searching for Matt’s Red Sox hat or Nick’s blond hair above the crowd. When that didn’t work, he simply shot a quick text in their sibling group chat that read where are you guys??. Much to his discomfort, the text quickly came back with a ‘cannot be delivered’ message, making the brunette curse when he realized that the signal in the store was awful. 

“Excuse me, ma’am. Did you see where my brothers went? They have tattoos. One’s blond and has a nose ring, the other was wearing a hat?” Chris asked the lady at the jewelry counter hopefully. 

Either not noticing his lanyard or not caring, the employee turned her back to Chris, leaving him desperate. He didn’t know his way around this mall at all, his phone wasn’t working, and it was beyond crowded. How was he supposed to find Matt and Nick? What if they left without him? He couldn’t drive and he had left his wallet with Nick. How would he get home? This was just a glimpse into the anxiety that circulated through Chris’ mind whenever he became overstimulated. 

The brunette felt his eyes beginning to grow wet, cursing himself under his breath. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t cry. Not here. Chris wiped a few stray tears that were running down his cheeks and began to retreat to a quiet area of the store to contemplate his next move. The last thing he needed was for a ‘fan’ to snap a photo of him crying and overstimulated and post it online. 

The children’s toy area proved to be the perfect place for him to hide. With all the stock having been bought out for the day in the holiday rush, the department was completely empty. Chris sat down on one of the leather benches, running his hands through his hair as a stim and anxiously checking his phone in hopes of regaining signal. He was so caught up in his anxious stimming and trying not to have a meltdown, that he hadn’t even noticed someone appear beside him. 

“Are you okay? I saw your lanyard,” You offered kindly. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

Chris looked up at you, taking in your appearance. You were absolutely beautiful, dressed in a soft, sensory friendly outfit with a purple cow Squishmallow clutched to your side. That wasn’t what caught his attention, though. What truly caught his attention was the sunflower lanyard hanging around your own neck. Glancing briefly at the card, Chris noticed it read “I’m autistic”. 

“Can I sit?” You asked, gesturing to the empty spot next to the boy. 

Chris nodded, wiping his eyes and clearing his throat. “I can’t find my brothers.” he admitted tearfully. 

“Is that who’s with you?” You asked knowingly, having been in similar situations yourself. “Do you want to call them?”

“I can’t. My phone won’t send the fucking text and they were just with me and I can’t find them. What if they left me?” the more Chris talked, the upset he became, anxiously chewing on his nails. 

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay. They wouldn’t leave you. Would you like a fidget?” You pulled a tangle from your purse, holding it out for the boy to take.

Chris stared at you for a moment before tentatively taking the toy from you, instantly focusing on the colors and movement of the plastic. “...thank you.” he whispered. 

“Would it be okay if I touched you?” You asked gently. From your own experience, you knew that it was important in situations like these to ask for consent to touch someone who was overstimulated. “My lanyard has my emergency contact on it. Does yours? Maybe we can work together to find your brothers.”

Chris nodded softly, allowing you to softly look at his lanyard and identify both Matt and Nick’s phone numbers and names. By some miracle, your phone had much better service than Chris’ did, allowing you to let both brothers know where you were and that Chris was looking for them. 

“So, tell me about yourself if you want to.” You tried to make easy conversation to take the brunette’s mind off his current overstimulation and panic. 

“‘M a YouTuber,” Chris muttered softly, highly subdued. “And I like rap music and y’know, I have ADHD.” when he saw your soft, blushy smile and attentive listening, Chris became more animated. 

“I’ve always thought YouTube would be a cool job. I’m a pet sitter. I love animals so much. They’re one of my special interests.” You nodded to your cow stuffed animal. 

Chris remembered reading about the term when he was doing some self reflecting on being neurodivergent. Although he didn’t experience them himself, he knew that they were an enormous part of being autistic, and he felt grateful that you were willing to share something like that with him. 

“How did you, um, find me?” Chris asked shyly. 

“Well, I came to see if they had any stuffed animals because I love them, but instead I found you.” You smiled, fiddling with your own fidget toy. 

You and Chris continued to chat as you waited for his brothers. The difference in his personality when you first found him to now was like night and day. He had become more animated over the course of your conversation, talking with his hands, eyes aglow. You looked up when you noticed two men who looked eerily similar to Chris walk up next to you. In your head, you connected the dots that the boys must have been triplets. The blond who approached you had a hard look on his face as he noticed his brother talking to a stranger, but when his eyes caught your lanyard, he visibly relaxed. 

“Matt! Nick!” Chris squealed, leaping off the bench and pulling his brothers into a hug. 

You watched with a soft smile, thinking the sibling’s embrace was cute until the brother in the Red Sox hat turned to you. 

“Thank you,” he told you sincerely. “Thank you for helping him.”

“It’s really not a problem.” You were becoming shy under the attention, but Chris came up and wrapped his arm around you. 

“I love her,” Chris said, before blushing as he realized what he had said. “Not like that! I…I mean…” he stuttered. 

“I’ll give you my number,” You chuckled, standing on your tiptoes and kissing Chris on the cheek. “For being such a sweetheart.”

tags ♡:  @jake-and-johnnies-slut @chrissfavwh3re @suyqa @chrissturnswife @mbsbaby @herxysc-blog @lovingchrissposts @caffeinatedscorpio @spencereidenthusiast @crazychrisl0v3r @sturnioloxlver @whicked-hazlatwhore @blahbel668 @sturncakez @junnniiieee07 @biggesthat3r @sturniolowhore @patscorner @julesgrl @0strawberrysorbet0 @strombolilovr @matt444nixi @remussbitch @devthepoet1221 @mattyblover07 @loisnotaa @mollyquinnxoxo @graysturns @pepsicolapussy333 @ginswife @emmagirouard @athaliahxoxo @bitchydragonparadise @ilydeaky @soggyslugg169 @m00n-0n-paws @books0fever @stingerayyy2 @sunsetsturniolos @mimi-luvzyu @raysmayhem-72 @faygo-frog @oobleoob @billsslutt @aemrsy

note ♡: if you'd like to bed added to my taglist, click here <3

[mysticcrownwolf]

So your girl finally had a autistic meltdown and finally asked her mum about her childhood and got some mixed results but long story short I am finally getting an official autism and adhd diagnosis because in my mums words “Everyone deserves things that make their life easier to live”. Not gonna lie guys I did cried about this but it also came up that they did tried to get me diagnosed before (I don’t remember this at all) but were told I just had very high levels of hyperactivity so to make sure this type of bullshit doesn’t happen again I am making a list of all my weird or quirky traits and having the neurodivergents of Tumblr peer review them so I can finally get a diagnosis after 19 years of struggling.

1) I didn’t ever in my life made or had friends that stick around.

2) I was actually alienated a lot by most people in my life for being the umbrella term they all coined as ‘weird’ what this weird means varies from person to person.

3) I have actually been told by other girls that they gave me a chance to keep them company even after many people told them I was too weird and they should stay away from me. These same people later called me slurs, were self absorbed or just plain abusive towards me.

4) Through out my whole life I have sat alone on a double bench because no one wanted to sit with me in class.

5) I have a problem with properly spelling certain words like I write weird as ‘wierd’ or video as ‘vedio’.

6) People constantly doubt I have any sense of knowledge and act like any good idea I give is a surprise even when I was on the top of the class the phrases like “ That’s the first good idea you ever had” weren’t uncommon.

7) I walk a lot and I mean a lot enough that hyperactivity has still been a part of my diagnostic because I walked so much they had no choice but to put that in. I actually come to the school 30 minutes early then walked the whole time, I would just up and leave classes to walk in corridors because I couldn’t sit still long enough, my walking is such a huge part of me my old teachers still tell their classes about me as the girl that walked too much.

8) People in my college nicknamed me the headphone girl because I walked around our whole campus( I would pace a lot around the parameters) with my only noticeable feature being my headphones.

9) I was the only kid in my school not scared of bugs which lead to some notable incidents

I once picked a small green caterpillar and showed it off to my class of 10 year olds they started crying and teacher made me throw the bug even though I wanted to keep it as a pet

Our teacher once asked us to bring butterflies to class so I captured around 30 butterflies put them in a breathable Tupperware and took those to class me being the only person who did this freaked out all the other children with my butterflies , we later released them all in recess it was very pretty

I not only volunteered but gleefully presented live earthworms on my palm to various groups of parents in our school science fare much to the horrified looks of many parents and children about how a little girl like me wasn’t screaming from handling earthworms.

I scared our class mean girl by capturing a butterfly and then turning my hand holding the butterfly in her direction she and a few other girls screamed when I tried to tell them that the little critter was harmless and even offered to let them hold her (I was very confused why they didn’t like this).

10) I was friends with a lot of my teachers as well as higher class teachers especially the Science, Social studies and English teachers. I would often spend my recess in the biology lab chatting with the biology teacher about the different specimens in the lab and how much I enjoyed biology in general. I am half sure I would have loved to study biology/medicine if not for the fact it was a minimum investment of 7 years though I am still an avid reader of new biological discoveries and follow many niche youtube channels that focus on flora and fauna.

11) I was actually friends with all 3 principles in my school and would go to them after my last class to chat about my school day. This was so bizarre to others but I actually enjoyed how much these adults would listen to my info dump even if my own peers won’t.

12) Every single time my report card came I would usually top the class in most subjects except maths in which I usually underperformed ( don’t worry guys I figured out later I just need to know every basic concept to get the deep understanding of mathematical principles which my teachers were very bad at build but I later learned how to do it myself) but it would always have in big bold letters that “I talked to much and have weird questions and am disruptive in class ” which my bad I thought I could get details about what your are teaching and develop great interest but nah we just need to complete the syllabus as fast as we can. Salt on the wound I would only ask questions and discuss topics in class with the teacher since I don’t have friends I could talk to in class. They deadass never ever punished a single student from disrupting in class except me the girl who asked silly questions about what we were studying maybe they thought my questions were weird so I was asking them to disrupt they flow of the class rather than genuine curiosity who knows

13) I had very bad anger issues stemming from how the system as well as authority figures treated me ( I have since been to therapy and gotten help for it ) but a lot of time I verbally and physically attacked an authority figures usually when they punished me for something I didn’t do or when they tried to empty out their frustration on me or tried to bully me in anyway. I never took bullying face down from anybody be it younger or older than me my flight or fight response was always on fight

14) People did tried to bully me physically or verbally but I always returned it in kind with interest so it never really stuck like the isolation did. My most memorable experience with bullying was when I bitch slapped our school mean girl so hard the whole ground heard it , I don’t think I ever got any punishment for it and she later burned every friendship she had by throwing her whole group under the bus for some vandalism they did.

15) I unfortunately never had friends so when they school told me telling an authority figure I am being teased, harassed or even that someone is breaking the rules is what’s morally right I ran with the rules set for me rather than knowing the social norms that this would mark me as the school snitch without the teachers ever doing anything about the issues. Unfortunately I learned the hard way through trial and error that once you are labelled as a snitch their is nothing you can do to get that tag off and it comes with the added benefit of making people never talk to each other near me or even just leave the places I visit alone so yay more loneliness for me

16) I actively volunteered for every single activity and program my school office this sounds great but I picked and got selected for all 7 different fairs (English, Hindi, Maths, Science, Social science, Music, Art) but rather than pick out one or two I helped out with all 7 of them. They later added a 3 groups per person limit.

17) I am actually trained in both classical instrumental and singing but couldn’t complete my singing degree before the program closed down and it’s been 6 years since I played a Casio that I don’t think that even matters anymore. Anyway I added this because at first I did both of these at the same time along with volunteering for all the other activities before they added a 1 course per year limit which is a shame since it cost me my vocal degree.

18) I love reading that just the fact I found reading in my school library when I was 8 haven’t let it go since by my librarian’s estimate I read almost 3000 books (mostly children books) from my school library. I also have a mini collection of about 300 books that I have passed down to both of siblings. These days I read mostly on ao3 or the occasional paperback I bought at the airport but reading is still something I do almost daily.

19) See one thing about me is I was one of the first student at my school so much so my identification number was 35 so me being such an old student my school has actually legends about my quirky ( neurodivergent ) behaviour which has made me understand where most legends actually come from

I walked out of classes so many times teachers to this day still tell stories of the weird girl that likes to walk

My whole school knew who I was mostly because I would be the first and only person that likes to answer philosophical questions asked by our principal in the assembly, I was also great with improvising assembly conductions, thought of the days, assembly quizzes, full speeches on topics told to me 2 minutes ago, even improvised song recitations (can you guys pick up I have social anxiety now).

As I told you my lovelies I love reading so if I was immersed in a book and the class started I would just hide the book to read in class once I got caught so I got termed the girl who like to read books in class( is it stupid yes did it still happened certainly). I later learned to zone out to the stories in my mind during class which was very helpful.

As I told you guys I was actually on pretty friendly terms with my principal and teachers so guess who became the teachers pet for the next 8 years even though most teachers care jack shit about my interest and was further alienated because of this me ofcourse.

I actually once locked myself in the school bathroom for like 4 hours because I hadn’t completed the homework a teacher had given me and she was quite physically abusive towards me. I got suspended for a week because of this funnily enough nobody in my school actually remember this and most are really surprised to know I was suspended.

I am actually really famous or infamous by the way you look at it for physically assaulting a teacher funnily enough the name of the teacher, why I am attacked them and even how I hit them changes from person to person I have actually heard 10-15 different variations from different people( I am not even sure if I actually ever hit a teacher most I remember is I lunged at one teacher but she stepped back so I didn’t even touch her).

20) I was depressed from age 14 to 17 which caused me to chronic pain which later caused me to meet my current psychologist who helped me a lot but is vehemently against me getting any sort of neurodivergent diagnosis most she say is I have borderline adhd tendencies and that I think to much and should focus on calming down my mind which honestly is quite invalidating.

21) I can’t wear any sort of itchy or frilly materials when I was younger ( the texture was soo bad) but my sister could which made my mother think I was being a drama queen.

22) When I was younger I use toilet paper after using a bidet because the feeling of wet pants would over stem me so bad it’s not a problem for me anymore except from sometimes during winters.

23) I didn’t know Chewelry existed when I was younger so I chewed on my nails/skin,my lips, squishy parts of remotes, plastic toys, legos, scarfs, hoody strings, hot glue gun glue, chalk, cement, sand, mud etc. (Yes I know about the microplastics now no I don’t care).

24) I am highly sensitive to sounds so if my fan have a weird creak sound I won’t be able too sleep I also can’t sleep if I hear a clock ticking or any other repetitive sounds ( my mum still doesn’t understand why I can’t just force myself to sleep).

25) I also can’t sleep in continuous silence I need background noise to fall asleep.

26) It took me a whole year of forcing myself to wear bra and panties for my body to finally get used to me wearing them. It was a stimulation nightmare but I think it was worth it I enjoy wearing bras and panties now.

27) I can’t eat apples like I physically cringe even thinking of the sensation of biting into an apple. I have tried cutting an apple into every single why I could I still can’t swallow or even properly chew an apple the texture is such a sensory nightmare for me. Cabbage used to be the same for me but though constant reintroduction I can usually for myself to eat it with a glass of water

28) I have had many foods be absolutely sensory nightmare for me throughout my childhood. I was a very picky eater think bread, soup, lentils and noodles(packet noodles without vegetables). I couldn’t eat any kinds of fruits(except banana), vegetables, pizza , burgers (still don’t eat this), dumplings, wraps, pasta,etc. Heck I was a vegetarian for majority of my life before I learned chicken is actually a great textured food for me though I still don’t eat any form of red meat or sea foods and my food list is still very limited I have constantly reintroduced many foods for myself over the years which I can now usually bear to eat. I also learned that I can usually consume fruit and vegetables better if they are liquids so fruits juices, smoothies and soups were also great help.

29) I was and still am an absolutely clean freak and organiser. Like my bag use to have books organised in this specific order English, Hindi, Maths, Science and then Social studies and it needs to been in this order or I would get anxious. Fortunately no one else in my house ever wanted to organise anything so I would organise everything with way I would want it to be while also being neat.

30) One of my biggest sources of stress came from how dirty my siblings made our room. I would deep clean everything and then organise our books , toys and clothes and then clean and organise our bed they would just bulldozers through and ruin all my hard work in a day or two. Unfortunately I had this sense of cleanliness and order since I was a child and my siblings who were even younger then me weren’t slobs(ok maybe my brother was but anyway) they just weren’t wired to like cleanliness and order like I did and being children anything I told them about how we can keep our room clean went over their heads because I was always their to do it for them.

31) I actually had many special interests growing up though I didn’t have trains as an interest except for the cool toy train set I got as a gift or the maglev trains who are objectively very cool. My biggest special interest were rocks, space and animals especially all the books Nat geography and scholastic puts out on animals. I actually had a rock collection mostly made up of sedimentary rock and a piece of lime stone which my mother later kept in the shed where it got lost during home construction. I also have a modest collection of books and another collection of small childhood trinkets that I still have (I recently bought a clay bird that mimics actual bird call when filled with a little water to add to my collection).

32) I forget I need to eat and drink it’s always been like this I don’t have that internal clock that says you are thirsty go drink water or you are hungry go eat food . I need to remind myself it’s been 12 hrs I probably need water it’s been 32 hrs you should probably get some food or at least have a protein shake it’s like my body has no sense of hunger or thirst but I am getting better at eating and drinking at least the drinking water part anyway.

33) I am tired it’s not recent but in the last few years since I became an adult I feel so tired I use to be the topper of my class the gifted children that participated in everything now I am in college and just getting an 80% feels draining everyone has so much hope for me that I could and should do better but I am just tired. I walk and trekk sometimes but I don’t participate in any events and I see others I see my roommate who participates in like 5 different events and still gets a 95% if she can do it why can’t I. I use to be able to do so much and now I don’t have the drive to do much of anything anymore it’s so painful to realise that I should do better but what does better looks like for someone who is as tired as I am.

I did took some online test as well just to see if I even had a chance and the results were mostly the same I have many Adhd/Autistic tendencies and should probably get a professional diagnosis. I would be very thankful if my fellow autistic and adhd people would help me add more targeted experiences so I can finally get a diagnosis

@my-autism-adhd-blog you inspired me write all of this down and it would be very helpful if you could guide me to get a better diagnosis because of your experience. Also I greatly enjoy the contents of your blog so thank you for that

[catboybiologist]

About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out

I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.

There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.

Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.

In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).

My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.

I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.

In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.

Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.

It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.

But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.

By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.

It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.

Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol

[fandomxo00]

You being Peter and Wanda's mom - Erik Lehnsherr - X-men Days Of Future Past

*originally posted on my old account that I've deleted*

warnings: unedited, mature context, time passing, angsty, using google translation for Czech-

word count: 2.9k

Erik used to admire you. You remember when you first met him, he practically adored you. He wanted everything to with you, would pull aside, grabbing your attention and making you feel what he was feeling. As an empath, that wasn't hard to read his emotions and with you he always wore his heart on his sleeve. But the difference between you and Erik were the fact that you were different types of mutants. He was an active one, all powerful. And you had inactive traits that wouldn't be conducive in battle. That didn't mean Erik didn't drag you on missions, to not only read feelings of others but to control them so Erik could get what he wants. That's what drew the two of you apart, his evil his plans, they scared you, especially when you discovered you were pregnant. You refused to tell him, especially since you knew the infatuation he had with you was only for a short while. He wouldn't love you and he never could, especially if he found out the truth.  

You wouldn't know how he felt now, it had been 25 years since the first time you had seen him, and you've had two kids since then. Peter had began harnessing his powers, it started out from a young age of having a diagnosis of ADHD, though you knew it was something different, that it was his powers were the reason why he couldn't control his behavior and he to always be moving or talking. You don't know how you didn't break apart in front of him the next time you saw him. You had finally taken a night off for yourself when you saw him again at a bar. You felt the immediate rush of affection and lust that radiated off of Erik, because of course you felt him before you could actually see him. You had been stupid enough to turn towards him a seductive smile on your face as you met his blue eyes.

"Long time no see." You greeted.

"How awful it has been, liebling." He countered, you rolled your eyes at the pet name and moved your eyes towards him as you spoke in Sokovian.

"Nemůžu říct, že bych byl naštvaný tvou nepřítomností." (I can't say I'm upset by your absence) Erik chuckled at your retort, he wasn't fluent in Sokovian but he had gotten used to the language and picked up the language easily.

"Nelži." (Don't lie).

"You've always been so full of yourself." You added, throwing back your drink. Banter was dangerous for you and Erik, it always led to fights and fights usually led to sex, which in that night, had happened. Peter had stayed with your mother as Erik brought you to meet Charles and the rest of the mutants. Charles had never meant an empath, so he wanted to know more, that's when he found out the truth, digging into your mind with your permission. You did your best not to think of your son, but that wasn't how Charles powers worked and he had asked Erik to leave the room as he brought your son in conversation.

"I think you should go. Your son needs you." "Will you take care of him?"

"Erik doesn't need my protection." Charles retorted. You stared over at him, not using your powers but wearing your heart on your sleeve.

"He would make a good father, it's not right for you to keep this from him."

The guilt has sunk into you, clung onto you like a cancer. Erik had crawled into your bed that night and the two of you made love before you left. You wonder if you were the reason why Erik had done what he had done to Charles, but you knew that deep down that was a part of him no matter what you could've done. You've never tried to stop. him.

A couple months later you discovered you were pregnant again and as you saw Erik fall apart in front of everyone, killing the president and being taken away and captive. For once you finally felt like you had nothing to hide but as Peter grew his powers became more evident as he sped around the house when he was too excited. Your daughter, Wanda, had different powers. When she was young, you gave her a ruby necklace after you first came in contact with the younger girl's power. She was strong, maybe even stronger than her father. You eventually learned that her she had been born with the ablitiy to control chaos magic.

Though she had a dark power like her father, she was a sweet and caring girl, where her old brother focused on the go-go, Wanda was able to stop for a moment taken in her surroundings and adapt, she paid attention and she cared so deeply about those around her. But now it had been another 11 years, you were older and Peter and Wanda had grown up. Peter was now 22 years old, and you couldn't believe the reminders of his father in him. He had made the basement his own, and you wondered where he was during the day but one day when you went down to talk to your son you noticed the plentra of snacks, tvs and different things that Peter had 'collected' with his powers.

So you weren't suprised when yet again someone came looking for your reckless son. You opened the door to greet the strangers, one tall man with a beard and sunglasses, another man with glasses who was slightly taller than the bearded man, and a who was shorter than both with long hair-it was, "Charles?" You greeted.

"Y/n Maximoff." Charles chuckled, he looked much more dishelved since the last time you had seen him. He hadn't shaved, he was wearing sunglasses over his eyes and the shirt he was wearing was stained and uncleaned, this wasn't the Charles Xavier you had met over a decade ago. He pushed up his classes with his middle finger and looked over to the taller boy, regonizing him as Hank.

"We uh, need to talk to your son."

"What did he do this time?" You questioned.

"Nothing, we just-."

"We have to break Erik out of the pentagon, and we need his-your son's help." You glared over at Charles before turning to the taller man and the man with sunglasses sighing. You felt something odd radiating off of the man with sunglasses, his face expressed maybe annoyance or that he didn't care but his aura and emotions, he was desperate.

"Come on in." You moved back, letting the three of them in. Wanda came wondering over, her hair was red like her fathers and it made the man with the sunglasses pause in his place as he cleared his throat.

"Wanda, why don't you go to your room."

"Why?" She asked.

"Because we have to have an adult conversation and I don't trust that you won't listen in." You replied, putting your hands on your hips.

"Fine." You grumbled, as she walked into her room, red magic flowed through the air and closed the door gently.

"She's a mutant, aswell?" Charles questioned.

"Yes, she has the natural ability to control chaos magic." You answered before opening the door to Peter's room.

"Pete, we have company." You yelled down the stairs and moments later there was a quick woosh, barely noticeable but you knew your son. You trudged down the stairs and you were met your son playing Ping Pong, as if he hadn't run out to check out their car. "Peter, this is Charles, Hank and..."

"Logan." He replied, taking off his sunglasses, as Peter wooshed around the air, still listening to your words but he still loved to move.

"You know them? Because I didn't do anything." Peter defeneded, as he continued to play ping pong, before moving over to the couch with a popsicle in his hand. "I've been here all day, right ma?"

"Just relax, Peter. We're not cops." Logan replied as Peter glared at him, his arms up around his head to defend nonchalance but you couldn't feel his defenses coming up.

"Of course you're not cops. If you were cops, you wouldn't be driving a rental car." Peter explained.

"How'd you know we've got a rental car?" Xavier asked.

"His ability is speed." You began to explain as Peter groaned. "I'm assuming he went out to go check your registration."

"You can't just tell people that mom." Peter argued as you rolled your eyes.

"I know Charles, he-we go back..."

"Did you know my dad?" Peter questioned. "Are you FBI?" He zoomed across the room, stealing Charles' wallet. "Nope, you're not cops. Hey what's with this gifted youngsters place?"

"That's an...old card." Charles trailed, as he grabbed his things from where Peter threw them down.

"Why, he's fascinating." Hank commented.

"He's a pain in the arse." Grumbled Charles.

"And when I knew him, he wasn't so...young. Neither were you." He nodded towards you.

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh our dear friend Logan here is from the future and we need your son to break someone out of jail so he can help us destroy a massive threat to our future." Charles explained.

"What are you talking about?" Peter laughed.

"So you're not afraid to show your powers?" Hank questioned.

"We usually don't hide our powers around the hou-" You started.

"Powers? What powers? What are you talking about?" Peter interrupted. "Do you see something strange here? Nothing anybody would believe if you told them."

"Peter." You grunted, as he his big brown eyes looked over at you with innocence. "Did you hear a word I said?"

"Yes, why should I help them? A prison break is illegal, you know." "Because that's the first illegal thing you've done." You retorted.

"You, you kleptomanic..." Charles began rubbing at his eyes. "Get to break into the Pentagon."

"And he happens to be your father, Peter, and Wanda's."

"I knew it." Hank breathed.

"So you can trust them, Peter."

"Are you coming with, Ma?" Peter replied as you started to chuckle shaking your head.

"You don't need me, I'm not like them or your sister. I'll just be in the way."

"Don't you wanna see him?" Charles asked, as you looked over at him, a serious look overcoming your face as you looked down before shaking your head.

"I've hidden two children from him, like he'd want to see me." You joked.

"I know he would, when you left." Charles began as you looked over at the dishelved man. "He knew."

"About?"

"Wanda." You stared at Charles before speaking.

"Well since you're breaking him out, if he wants to come see us, he can, he could've before too." You cleared your throat before glancing over at Peter and giving him a nod before walking up the stairs. You tried not to drown in your memories as Peter went out to help his father. You knew that this would do some healing for him, so you encouraged him to go. It was your fault that they didn't know their father, but you wouldn't blame it completely on yourself especially since he knew about Wanda. You and Erik tried to keep the relationship surface level, but in all truth, you had fallen in love with Erik. It had started with friendship, the two of joining arms and when it came to the mission in Cuba, you had left with him, leaving Charles behind. You weren't going to stay for some false sense of being good, as you've watch mutants flee back into the shadows you knew that Charles plans were just a pipe dream.

You remember the day on the beach like it was yesterday, you had been crouching over a broken Charles, tears streaming down his face, his legs now paralyzed. As a friend, you wanted to stay, but as Erik caught your attention, "Come with us, Liebling." His voice soft as he looked over at you, you felt his rush of emotions, the only thing you could've described it as was love as you left your friend for Erik. At this point, he had to know that you were pregnant, a big reason why he kept you out of the line of fire, telling you to stay where it was safe.

Looking back now you had thought it was because of your powers but it could've been protecting you for more than one reason. But it was impending conversation where he told you that he couldn't have you, that he wouldn't ever feel the way you wanted him to, that you were too good for him. You had argued, telling him that it didn't matter who was better, you didn't have expectations for this relationship you just wanted to be with him. But the reality had sat in, when you thought of your son at home. You thought of the comparisons, the stubbornness, the knowledge that the two had, the good that you found in both of them. But thinking of Erik as a father, it was role now that he clearly hadn't wanted.

"Mom, who were those men here?" Wanda broke you out of your thoughts, making you look over at daughter. You could read the curiousness coming off your daughter. "Where's Peter?"

"You remember when I would tell you stories about your pa?" You murmured, as she came over to you as you reached your arm out for her. She sat in your arm and looked up at you.

"I do."

"Well, your brother is going to go save him." You said, smiling over at her. You moved your hand down to move your red hair behind her ear with a fond smile on your face. The two of you continue to talk about her father, telling stories about mischievous adventures that brought smiles to your girl's face.

Eventually she fell asleep in your arms. You laid her down on couch draping a blanket over her before grabbing a book and settling on the armchair, waiting for Peter. You'd usually go to bed if he was out, he was an adult now, but this was a mission that could send Peter to jail. Not that you didn't believe him that's why you supported him so much in this, you knew he had the ability and strategy that would get out just about any mess.

You had fallen asleep reading your book when you heard the lock in the door. You sat up in your chair and blinked back the tiredness from your eyes before getting up from the chair. Peter walked through the door and you immediately ran up to him and squeezed him tightly. "You're okay."

"Of course I'm fine ma, it's me." Peter joked as he wrapped his arms around you and squeezed you tightly.

"Liebling."

You froze in your son's arms, before moving back and connecting your eyes with Erik Lehnsherr's blue ones. "Erik." You breathed, moving around him before looking back at Peter. "Did you-."

"He uh figured it out."

"Charles told me." Erik corrected, his accent thick and making a shiver run down your spine.

"So that's what your doing here?" You questioned as Erik looked over at Peter before stepping forward into the house. His eyes trailing around the room before landing back on to you. "Your here for the kids."

"Yeah, I'm here to meet my daughter."

"Good, but you'll have to come back, she's asleep."

"Ma-."

"No, it's the middle of night, thanks for escorting Peter home." "You don't get to push me out again, Y/n." Erik agrued, his voice raising as you glared over at him. "I have a right to meet her."

"Peter take your sister to her room, please." You murmured over to your son, glancing over at him with stern gaze before looking back over at Erik. "You've known about her for 11 years, Erik."

"I didn't know about Peter, it's been over two decades and we managed to make another child and you couldn't tell me about him." "You wanted nothing to do with me!" You agrued. "You got bored and you left."

"I was never enough for you, Y/n. For an empath, you clearly have no idea how I feel about you."

"I don't like reading your emotions anymore, last time it hurt-." You started, looking down at the ground. "I could feel that you were rejecting me and I don't want to feel that ever again."

"You know that they were better off without me."

"But I wasn't!" You cried. "I was alone in raising two children and I tried to take pride in it. When I heard you killed the president of the United States, I-I couldn't believe what you done, and I knew that I made the right decision." Erik's eyes flashed in hurt, and he stared you, begging you to read him, but you refused. "Don't you have the world to save?"

"Well, if you care about your children's future, you'll leave." You propositioned. Erik stared at you, not sure what to say before stepping closer to you and leaning down to cup your cheeks in his hands. You stared at him in awe, unable to move away as you looked up into his eyes.

"I'll leave now, Liebling, but I'm coming back and I'm giving you life you deserve, do you understand?"

"Erik-."

"No. Do you understand?"

You nodded.

[payasita]

Good job getting ADHD medication! I’m so proud of you :D

thanks so so much im very happy and so hopeful for the first time maybe ever but also it TOOK ME LIKE. A YEAR. A YEAR.

like yall for real?? for real. for real i have been diagnosed since i was like six. (funny story my teacher thought i was on the spectrum so my parents get me tested with the nodes and shit and according to mom, who loves this story, my neurologist did all that and talked to me and then just turned to my mom and went "she's not autistic. she just hates the other kids" but they DID find an adhd diagnosis in there so net win for all of us)

diagnosed since i was SIX. on stimulants until i turned 8, and you know why i got off em? my pediatrician retired. we could not find another who would take our low-income insurance. so i just had to rawdog The Rest Of My Fucking Life. diagnosed when i was six. legally neurodivergent for 20 slutty slutty angry years.

and it still took me like. a few months to get a psych appointment. a few weeks to reaffirm my diagnosis as an adult. a few more weeks for another appointment for meds. he doesnt Want to do meds first, because i must have been doing fine without them if its been two decades, right? i got a job and a car and everything. well gee fuckin shittickers Dr. Brain Guy, just WHAT was my alternative? would you prefer i be maladapted to the point of incapacitation; is that what it takes for someone to be considered? i cheated my way through school. every day after work i sit for an hour in my car because i dont have the executive function to stand up and walk the ten steps to my house. garbage just appears around me. i have three empty bags of hot chip and two cans of sprite on my desk as we speak, neither from today. at that point i hadnt had a debit card for six months because that would have required me to Drive To The Bank, a location that was new to me in this area, so i just did everything on credit. is this all normal? is this fine? am i GOOD, actually, Dr. WeirdBrain?

so we cordially agree that yes i should probably be medicated. i want to do a stimulant. he does not want to put me on a stimulant. "stimulants can mess with your heart," he says, "and you're young, you don't want heart problems." i say ok because i dont want to make him think im just looking for narcotics. even though i am. because they WORK. i agree to try some kind of antidepressant.

the antidepressant gives me tachycardia. i go to the emergency room after reading a heartbeat of, oh, 140 bpm, which is about like double what it normally is and juuuust below the You Are Having A Heart Attack threshold. i get to the ER and the doctor there is very obviously convinced i'm a local addict having some sort of episode. it is the most ironic experience i've had all year and i feel an abrupt and all consuming kinship with those birds in australia that will swoop you and peck at your face for seemingly no good reason.

so yeah, we narrow it down to the antidepressant. as it turns out, these particular meds are known to, semi-commonly, Mess With Your Heart. i have my next appointment with my psych and somehow refrain from pecking his eyes out. he puts me on a noreprinephrine inhibitor(iirc) that isnt actually FDA approved to treat ADHD specifically(i DEFINITELY rc) but it IS given to smokers to help them quit. i dont smoke. i may very well fucking start before this whole ordeal is at the point where someone listens to me

it obviously does a combined total of jack and shit, and the man waffles with this one because he has "had success" using it as treatment for other ADHD patients. he ups the dose. twice. three months on the smoker meds, which are also apparently notorious for destroying your appetite, but they didnt even do THAT. no change to the average amount of hot chip on my desk.

he wants to try quelbree after that. i finally tell him i'm tired of this shit and would like to have more than two hours of usable daylight to function before it all falls to uncontrollable youtube shorts binges and a daily experience i like to call The Weighted Nothings and i would very much like to PLEASE. TRY A STIMULANT.

he's been friendly enough with me over these past four or five or whatever months but at this he gets suddenly very very business-baseline. gives me the whole spiel about the north american shortage. gives me a spiel about how i absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, lose or sell this medication, because they will not refill it if i do. i am sitting here wondering if he he's telling the truth about having other ADHD patients at all like ever in his career, and also, am i nuts or should the "don't sell your prescription drugs" bit apply to EVERYTHING? i dont fuckin know man i just live here

he says he wants a urine test first. its scheduled for two weeks out. i take it.

"hey uh, your piss came back with cannabis in it" "well it'd be weirder if it didn't, we are in california and i am a kitchen manager" "you can't have weed if you want adderall" "fine i'll stop" "we'll schedule you another test in a month" "aight bet" it didnt go exactly like that but this is kind of what the vibe between us has devolved into by this point.

anyway i wait a month and get a good grade in piss. i get the meds prescribed. i go to fill out the prescription

all i really need to say to you are the words "prior authorization error" for most of you to get what happened next.

the psych isnt even aware. i wait another month for our next meeting, which was yesterday. i do not yell at him. he tells me to take it up with the pharmacy, and yell at them. i am going to yell at them.

so i go, and guess what, it actually went through a while ago! NO ONE TOLD ME OR DR. FEEL-BAD OVER HERE. but we can't fill it right now because its a controlled substance so come back in a few hours. hey it's ready where the hell are you? TAKE YOUR METH AND GET OUT

anyway i started it today, reorganized my pantry, and fixed the fire alarm in my hallway that's been chirping at me for a week. i no longer have to wear earplugs to bed.

and with my newfound executive function superpowers, i will be spraying my weed-free piss all over Reagan's grave.

[upslapmeal]

Notes from the Taskmaster 16x10 recording

The last two episode recordings I went to, I meant to make comprehensive notes when I got home afterwards that I would be able to look back at and post when the episode aired. I did not, in fact, end up doing that. So this time I was determined to have lots of notes, and made them on the go in the breaks in recording. However. They were made in a rush and I never went back through them to pad them out (you'd really think I would have learned by now). So instead of just having to rely on my memory, I ended up with an almost coded list of words and phrases that it's taken me pretty much 2 weeks to sit down and decipher lol. So with that said:

the pre-episode Greg-Alex entertainment was Greg getting Alex to sing a song about a recent news story to the tune of a song suggested by the audience - in this case it was Trump's lawsuit (the one in May 2023 since there are...a few) to the tune of Wuthering Heights

Alex really went for the whole live thing, and was constantly referring to it throughout the episode

when the contestants came onstage, I obviously first saw Sam in his bright colours and blond hair

we were right on the back balcony and my first impression from that distance was that he kinda looked like Jamie Laing lol

Greg made a passing comment about how he's been dressing in grey but I was completely taken by surprise when the vt rolled and he looked completely different!

I had assumed he'd actually buzzed his hair and didn't realise it was a wig until the ep aired

Sue made comments throughout the episode about how Sam looked like Dahmer

Lucy's prize task story, unsurprisingly, went on for ages and included a whole story about the holiday they went on that I tragically cannot remember

I was so glad they didn't cut 'untaffled' because I looked through my notes before again before watching the episode and couldn't for the life of me remember what she'd said

Greg's said that his immediate response to naked Alex in the prize task was that he was 'smooth like an eel'

After Julian's prize task there was a discussion about how people wanted to be buried, and at one point (I wish I could remember the conversation leading up to this) either Greg or Alex said they would be buried 'together forever in the Victoria monument'

There was a whole long debate about whether Sam intended to use nature as part of his doughnut task, and whether the bird toppling Ms Doughnut to her death should be counted

Greg told Sam to 'convince me to give you 3 points'

Sam went on talking about how amazing nature is and how we're all connected and at one point said 'consider the statistics.....3000' (I'm 99% sure this is what he said and I didn't just forget the rest of the quote)

Julian's exercise name was absolutely not a one-off, to the point they started running a 'cunt count' for the episode

Sue talked about how she had recently had an ADHD diagnosis, and that she kept viewing tasks holistically rather than paying attention to the details. This was specifically in relation to the exercise where she just did the same thing 4 times

I'm not sure if we saw the full extended version of Hotel Taskmaster, but we definitely saw a cut that included more than the aired version (though tbh I think they do that for most tasks and I just noticed this one bc we got the extended version)

We got an 'I put it to you' from Greg that Alex-as-Qrs looked genuinely cool

Lucy described Alex as having 'tight metallic buns' which Greg later referred to as his 'robot arse'

I cannot stress how much of a breakdown Susan had in the studio about the forks and marbles - you get a glimpse in the episode but that was nothing!

Susan also took AGES to do her throw in the live task - she kept on being about to throw before being interrupted, or saying her arms were too short, or that she needed a wee, or having a fit of giggles, and the longer it went the worse it got lol

Greg and Alex also had a go at it, and Sue wanted another go without the pressure. Greg and Sue got the ball in but Alex didn't

Don't ask me to remember the context, but at one point during the record, Greg told a story about someone he knew (whose name he said he would tell the others backstage) who would have sex in a cow mask and would demand 'LOOK AT ME!!!'. Anyway that was referred back to a few times in the ep

When Sam was given the trophy he just stood near-motionless with it for what felt like ages before we got to the hugs and everything

And now we enter the magical world of ~what on earth was this note referring to~ where I just hope someone else who was there (@politicalprocrastinator how's your memory?) sees this and can fill me in on what I've forgotten:

At some point around the prize / first task I wrote 'correct dog guess'. Whose dog? What was being guessed? Absolutely no idea

At some point there was a joke about the 'former Prime Minister', I think the idea being that by the time the episode aired we'd inevitably have a new PM? but I honestly can't remember

Someone called someone else submissive in a way notable enough for me to have written 'submissive' as a one-word bullet point, but not notable enough for me to actually remember

And now three bullet points which I will present in their original form:

Birthday

Bum hole in back

Get in bath

[copperbadge]

One of the things I used to do when I was having creative difficulties was to declare a moratorium on creation -- say to myself, "Well, you're blocked or frustrated with everything. Maybe no more writing for the rest of the month," and then no matter what, I would commit to doing no more writing until the set date. I was just giving myself permission to take a little space without guilt, but once I'm not allowed to create, I tend to want to, so it's often been not just restful but rejuvenating. I have other coping methods that I've built, so I haven't had to do it in a long time, but apparently it still works.

The last two weeks have been a lot of travel, socializing and work, and I haven't had a ton of time or space to myself. It's been for good reasons, and overall very positive, but I've done essentially no fiction writing, especially since before that I was getting Royals/Ramblers out the door and pulling the Omnibus V2 together. But this morning I sat down before the day really began and realized I did actually want to write. I didn't get to actually do much because R and baby U woke up and I wanted to cook breakfast and hang out with them, but at least I wanted to write, and had a vague idea of how to attack it.

Life keeps feeling unreal -- I keep thinking something's profoundly off, and then realizing yeah, I've been putting my entire normal existence on hold for weeks on end. Even when I've been in Chicago I've been sick and work's had some unusual challenges, and there have been a few novel personal life events. A lot of what I have done has also been laced with an anxiety I don't normally have to deal with, for one reason or another.

Tomorrow are the last few hurdles -- I have to get to the airport and I have a non-direct flight to Chicago for the first time in over a decade, which are always stressful. Once I'm home, it's just the usual travel recovery: laundry, cooking, reassuring kitties. I have to get through the rest of the week's work, but at least there's nothing too intensive. The weekend is mainly free, though I'm going to try and see if I can see a few people socially and do some shopping for a party I'm throwing the following weekend.

It does feel like the hits keep coming, like this hectic pace is just my life now, but I know that I'll be home, with time and resources I haven't had in a while, and things will slowly ease up. I was telling myself I had to hold on until April 10th, and really it's going to be more like the end of April before silence truly descends, but at least after tomorrow I'll have time to write and finally the motivation as well.

I do feel sometimes like there was a "normal" that I had established which started slowly vanishing after the ADHD diagnosis, and I'm not sure I'm equipped to build a new one in the same way. That said, I'm sure I'll settle back into a groove once I'm sleeping in my own bed for more than two nights running.

It feels like the space I had carved in the world for myself now doesn't quite fit me anymore. It's a neutral kind of sensation -- not comfortable, but not painful, and equally not very productive. But it's not like I evaporate if I don't figure it out immediately, I suppose.

[noturlondonboy]

Nails on the Chalkboard of My Heart

Wenclair Oneshot

Pairing: Wednesday Addams x Enid Sinclair

Summary: It’s a dark and stormy night… and Wednesday decides to paint Enid’s nails in an effort to help the werewolf calm down. Fluffy confessions and silly gay girl antics ensue.

A/N: I really did love writing this one, I love blorbos painting each other’s nails. They’re so stinking cute. Enjoy!

Warnings: that good ole lesbian make out sesh don’t ya know

It was storming outside when Wednesday returned back to the dorm to find a shivering Enid tucked away under the covers. The lightning and thunder had been going raucously for about an hour now, and the walls shook from the force of the wind. Wednesday almost smiled at the rain lashing the windows.

Setting her bag on her desk, Wednesday quickly changed into her hoodie and sweats while doing her best to ignore the whimpering coming from the other side of the room. Enid never did well during large thunderstorms. She had told her as such, even explaining that she was used to handling them just fine alone, as none of her family had ever bothered to comfort her. That tidbit has nagged restlessly at Wednesday, but she brushed it off and didn’t press questions.

Now, though, after 30 minutes of sitting silently in front of her typewriter with nothing to show for it, after 30 minutes of Enid crying softly under her thick blankets all alone, after 30 minutes of “my parents had better things to do than trying to get me to stop cowering” ringing through her head in Enid’s gentle diction, something in Wednesday’s chest gave a terrible ache. She ripped the useless paper from the machine in front of her and crumpled it with one hand before tossing it in the trash bin like it had personally offended her.

Thing appeared on her desk, somehow knowing he was about to be summoned. Wednesday nodded, turning to face him. “Enid’s noise canceling headphones broke last week after Xavier’s idiotic little stunt with the lunch trays. Grab my pair from under my bed and take them to her while I clean up,” she ordered quietly, already starting to tidy her desk back to how she liked it.

Morticia and Gomez had gifted them both a set of headphones once they had heard of Enid’s ADHD. They had already been preparing to do so after Wednesday’s official autism diagnosis, but hurried the purchase in order to supply them both before the new school year.

Thing gave a little one-fingered salute and scurried off to do what he was told, jolting at the lightning but giving no protest. The girl sighed and rolled her shoulders. The crick in her neck had grown especially agonizing over the last week, and while she normally enjoyed pain, this was more annoying than anything else.

There was muffled conversation from Enid, but her sounds of distress stopped while she presumably accepted the headphones and put them on. Wednesday closed her eyes, letting out a sigh from her nose. Maybe she could pretend to stall by reorganizing her entire bookshelf for the third time, when in reality all that was happening was a mental preparation for what she was about to do.

A strike of lightning pierced the night and rattled the walls, leaving the dorm room in momentary blackness. Enid lets out a shriek, her tears evident in the warble in her throat. But like a wraith, Wednesday is by her side the moment the lights come back on, unable to stop herself from holding back.

Another yelp from the Werewolf, who jumped and scrambled back on her bed. Wednesday reached forward quickly to cradle the girl’s face and pull her closer, her knees subsequently ending up on the colorful covers.

Enid freezes, tearful eyes wide, the black headphones askew on her head. They both hold their breaths, but Wednesday is the first to move, carefully taking her roommate’s hand to pull her back properly onto her own bed. Enid only obeys, expression dizzy as it darts between the point of contact and the lack of a scowl on the Latina’s face.

Once Enid is resettled, Wednesday busies herself with going through the drawers of her nightstand and desk. Her mind is running unfortunately much quicker than she likes, but her senses sharpen with each whimper from the puppy waiting for her just feet away.

Black and pink nail polish secured in her palm, she sits with her legs crossed in front of Enid and fixes the headphones back into place. The werewolf sat stockstill, only moving to flinch at the thunder.

“I’m going to turn some music on for you, and then I’m going to paint your nails, and we’re not going to talk- understood?” Wednesday says softly, pulling her rarely used phone from her pocket and opening up Spotify. Enid seems only capable of gaping, her wet cheeks glowing pink.

Wednesday presses play on a shared playlist of theirs (which mainly consisted of very limited Kpop, Cigarettes After Sex, Melanie Martinez, and classical cello arrangements) before setting her phone aside and putting her palm out. Enid stared at it for a moment before realizing what she wanted and giving her hand over.

They both jolted once their fingers met, but Wednesday just pulled Enid’s arm closer with a gentle reverence and uncapped one of the polishes to begin painting.

Enid watched her in silent awe, ears blessedly full of something other than the thunderstorm. Wednesday worked in careful precision, stroking one finger at a time to stimulate the claws that hid under the skin so she could coat the polish on. She did it in one full stroke, because she was an Addams and did everything perfectly, her dark eyes almost warm as she waited a moment for the paint to set before moving on to the next.

There was much to be said, of course, about the colors Wednesday had chosen. Pink and black, to symbolize the two of them, in a pattern of every-other.

A crash of thunder hit Nevermore, and Enid jumped at the vibrations as they rattled the wooden boards around them. Wednesday held her hands still, her thumb drawing slow circles into her wrists until she was calm again. When another loud bang had Enid’s claws slipping out involuntarily, the result of which was a red nick in Wednesday’s skin, the goth only pressed a kiss to Enid’s knuckles to steady her (and make her blush like a volcano?? C'mon Enid get it together) instead of lashing out like the werewolf had feared.

A bright flash set the world outside momentarily ablaze. Enid flinched and curled into herself, her hands pulling away from Wednesday to ball together close to her chest. When she came back around with the gentle melody of Apocalypse soothing her sensitive ears, Wednesday was hovering close, hands shaped like she would be cupping Enid’s cheeks if she just moved forward about two inches.

Enid watched her, blinking the tears away as her heart settled, and gave herself no time to think. She leaned forward and nestled her jaw into Wednesday Addams’ palms, the wonderful touch of skin on skin melting the fear away. Dark eyes bore into baby blues, and Wednesday idly wondered what her parents would say if they saw her like this, calm and warm and making a willing effort to provide comfort to someone such as Enid.

“You’re alright,” she whispered, even as she very well knew that Enid couldn’t hear her- though the girl’s eyes darted down to read her lips. “It can’t hurt you. Not while I’m here.”

And Enid watches as she always had, cheeks warm and marveling silently as Wednesday retracted, carefully cleaning any smudged polish before reapplying the color where it was needed. Once Enid’s nails were successfully painted, Wednesday held her fingers gingerly to blow on them until they were dry. Her breath was warm, and soothed the ache in her knuckles.

The two stared at each other, Enid taking the headphones off and setting them aside. The storm had thankfully dimmed to a drizzle. The pitter patter of the raindrops was soothing and much preferred over heavy thunder and lightning.

Wednesday felt her stomach roiling at the entire interaction. Who was she, Wednesday Addams, to be painting the nails of this strange girl? Who was she to calm and to help, when all her life, she had only been a dark thing of madness? Who was she… to Enid?

Wednesday was so caught up in her head that it took her a long moment to realize that Enid’s face had melted into a mask of awed serenity, and the expression was held only for Wednesday. The werewolf watched her so intensely that Wednesday could feel the cool water of her eyes, imagining what her fingers would do if pushed through impossibly soft golden hair.

“Thank you,” Enid suddenly breathed, her heart in her throat. Something was clawing away at her lungs, stealing her breath. Her very bones seemed to ring. “Thank you,” she said again, aching and aching for Wednesday to stay, to keep touching her, to touch her more.

Somehow, Wednesday saw that want, saw right through her as she always did and always would. She cleared her throat, her mouth suddenly very, very dry, the words burning on her tongue.

“Anything you wish of me, Enid, I will do. And if it is not what you desire, then I will leave you in peace, away from my darkness and pain that trails me as if a shadow forever imprinted. But you- I can’t…” She swallowed thickly. Enid’s eyes were wide, a blush rising on her freckled cheeks. Wednesday desperately wanted to touch them. “I believe that I have fallen victim to the Addams Family curse, to love fiercely and everlastingly. I can feel it swelling within me, a heart I didn’t know I had.”

Wednesday didn’t really know what she was doing, why she was saying this. But the words had started and her chest had screamed so desperately for what it truly wanted, what it had been waiting for all this time.

“I think… that you have entranced me, utterly entranced me in every way any wicked woman could think of.” Another swallow, tightening the hold their fingers had on each other. Enid’s face was a furnace, her lips parted and heart beating furiously.

How did she respond to this? How did she explain to Wednesday that she had discovered that her darker counterpart and undying crush was her mate only weeks ago, a revelation that had sent her into a tizzy so bad she had been bedridden for hours? She wasn’t sure she even remembered how to speak.

Wednesday’s pupils were blown wide, her eyes large and dark and swallowing Enid whole. She wanted to be laid to rest in those eyes. But Wednesday heard no response, and her mind faltered. She had been so sure in that moment that her wolf would return the affection, would recognize the confession for what it was. The plea in her voice, the promise to do and be anything Enid asked.

“If you- if you do not feel the same way, Enid, I would understand, and I would not blame you. Turn me away and I would trek to the edges of the Earth if that is where you want me. But if you wish for me to stay… I am devoted to you, to your happiness, your pleasure, your mind and soul. I am caught in your beastly claws and yours to do with what you will.” And she waited, her ribs throbbing as her heart pumped blood harshly through her. Wednesday Addams laid herself out for the first time in her miserable life, completely true and bare for someone else.

How had painting nails turned into this? What could have possibly possessed her today?

Enid, in turn, was still doing her best to wrap her poor little gay head around Wednesday’s words. This was too good to be true, it- it couldn’t possibly be real. And normally if she were called beastly by anyone else, she would claw their face off. But with Wednesday calling her that… Shit. It honest to gods turned her on.

She opened her mouth as if to speak, but closed it again with absolutely no idea what to say. But… did she even really need words? Wednesday was stating this verbally because she knew it was the best way to get through to Enid. The darker girl had always shown her true feelings through actions, but to get through her thick werewolf skull, the words were easiest.

Enid thought she should return the favor. Tell Wednesday that she felt the same, show her she felt the same. That she would push herself to every possible limit for Wednesday, would do anything she ever asked, would rip her own heart out if it meant her mate would give her a rare smile.

And to show her, Enid knew there was only one option. They were in too deep- far too deep, to settle for anything less than razor sharp exactness.

Wednesday watched her with wide eyes, cheeks dark and lips parted almost grimly. There was no more room for waiting. Enid set aside the nail polish bottles, crawled forward to gently nudge her way between Wednesday's knees, and kissed her without a moment to waste.

Wednesday gasped and jolted away as her heart shrieked, lips burning furiously. She stared; Enid stared back. The werewolf looked ready to fling herself off of their balcony. But Wednesday fisted the soft blonde hair at the back of her head and pulled her forward with no small amount of desperation, reconnecting their mouths before she could let herself think.

There was another gasp, then a sigh, followed by a moan as Enid pushed into her closer until Wednesday was pressed on her back, braids messy and thrown over the bed. The wolf’s weight on her smaller body was warm and alluring, fading into the back of her mind as soft lips devoured her whole.

Gods, Wednesday had never seen so much color. It burst into fireworks over her eyelids as Enid kissed her and kissed her, a silver tongue dipping hotly into her mouth to flick over her canines and taste the cruel words Wednesday Addams preferred to so generously wield.

Enid’s heart burst in her chest as the girl beneath her responded ever so eagerly to her lips, tangling their legs together and using her cold, delicate hands to cup the werewolf’s cheeks and pull her closer, always closer, her perfect nails scratching softly at her skin just below the Hyde scars. A purr built up and tumbled out of her throat, startling Wednesday so much that she broke away, cheeks deliciously flushed and chest working hard to keep breathing.

Enid stopped too, unable to squash the mortified look on her face as the purr persisted, rumbling softly in the back of her throat. She knew if her wolf had its way, a golden tail would be wagging furiously. She would’ve died from embarrassment alone.

Wednesday’s mouth had gone slack, her obsidian eyes wide and a bit glazed as she stared so intently at Enid she might as well have been stripping her right then and there.

“I didn’t know that you could- that you would… make that noise,” she muttered, one hand moving to settle on Enid’s waist while the other stayed where it rested on her scarred cheek. Her fingertips were cold, yet left a blazing trail as they flittered like dark little mourning doves over fairer skin.

“Werewolves only purr for their mate,” Wednesday said slowly, cautiously, doing her damn best to gauge the expressions flashing over Enid’s face so quickly she could barely decipher half of them. Most depicted a horrified desire to forget the balcony and just head straight for a window. “Only- their mate.”

Enid could only stare at Wednesday, at her inky hair and adorable bangs, the freckles smattered over dark skin that was normally as pale as death but now shone red, the depthless eyes that threatened to drown her every morning when she awoke. Mate. Her mate, watching her closely as one would a spooked animal.

What was there to say? Wednesday stated the fact, because Enid truly had purred, was still purring, even as she scrambled for the words to save her sorry ass from the rejection of an Addams daughter. She was still hovering over said Addams, such a welcome shadow on her colorful bedspread.

“Am I your mate, Enid Sinclair?” Wednesday whispered, her lips barely moving as she used her hand to tug the blonde fully on top of her by her waist, the purr halted for only a second by a nervous whine. Her eyelashes fluttered, and a smirk- no, a grin- tipped the corners of her mouth up until perfect teeth almost showed through those taunting lips.

Taunting lips that Enid wanted to kiss again very, very much.

Wednesday repeated her question, her words almost slurred as she breathed them. There was something on her face, in the lines of her cheekbones and the dip of her chin, the curve of her jaw, that spoke of something dangerous. Insatiable. Enid couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

But as soon as she came up with it -hunger- she let out a low whimper and somehow pressed impossibly closer until her warmth was Wednesday's warmth, until her breath was Wednesday’s breath. “Yes,” she whispered, begged, might as well have screamed for what that one word did.

Wednesday Addams surged up to capture the wolf’s lips in her own and throw her off balance in order to straddle her waist, the words melting into their mouths.

Words they never really needed to say.

Not that Enid would even know how to speak in the first place, after Wednesday had her way with her.

[alexaloraetheris]

I juat remembered the day, about two months ago, when I went to renew my perscription and ended up derailed by some kind of divine influence that really, really wanted my help. 😂

So I have an appointment at 9. First thing I do is sleep in because my alarm simply did not ring. First time that happened. I cursed out the damn phone and ordered a taxi, which I had specifically hoping to avoid because of the traffic congestion.

My driver is a woman a bit older than me, and she's in a good mood so we chat. She told me she was thinking of moving to [city on the coast] because taxi drivers are paid better there, and I tell her I have family there, we comment on what it's like to drive in a city essentially built into three hills and a cliff. She mentiones she has scoliosis, and it sometimes impacts her ability to sit in a car for long periods of time. I had scoliosis as well, but I had managed to fix it with exercises almost completely so I recommended my physical therapist, and assured her it's not too late, because some of the people in my therapy group were even older than her. When she let me off she thanked me for the help.

Feeling good that, even if I had to pay out the nose for the ride, I got there in time and even managed to do a good deed. I rush in, tell the reception guy I'm here to see my doctor and settle in to wait.

Two hours later, I see people being called in but not my name. I ask why, and doctor looks at me blankly and says I'm not in the system. I have to tell the reception I've arrived so I show up on his schedule.

I'm mentally cursing out the entire hospital, but I wasn't raised by wolves. I thank the doctor, politely tell the different receptionist that the last guy probably didn't hear me when I told him my appointment, got added in and went back to wait.

Ten minutes later, a visibly nervous girl with freshly printed papers sits in the waiting room. I'm in a bit of a mood, but I'm also a firm believer in helping if I can. I paste on a smile and ask 'First time?' and she admits she just got sent here for a potential ADHD diagnosis and she had no idea what to do. Having been there and knowing exactly how hard it was to do it on your own, I gave her the number of the psychologist who made my diagnosis, assured her that the psychiatrist she was here to see is the same one I have and that he's a good guy, explained what ADHD actually was and how the meds work. She was neraly crying with relief by the time I was done, and I promised she could send me questions if she needs to.

I finally, finally go in for my appointment in a slightly better mood, only for my psychiatrist to tell me Concerta is no longer imported, I have to go on some other meds and for that I need my family doctor to sign off on a regular perscription instead of getting an Rx perscription from him.

This is the worst case scenario, because I do NOT want my mother, who thinks ADHD was invented by quack American psychologists to sell expensive meds to parents with unruly children, to know I have ADHD. So I mentally curse out the entire healthcare system, go to the family doctor and explain the situation, that my mother absolutely CANNOT know about my diagnosis. Even though the doctor was not aware of my diagnosis so far, she listens attentively, and we make sure that my mom can't check the insurance we're both under to see what meds I'm on or that if she checks my name in the pharmacy directory she can't see me either.

I thought I handled that situation rather well but I must have looked more worried than I thought, because the doctor admitted her high-school age granddaughter had been asking questions about psychologists and antidepressants and she had so far been dismissive. But if she really needs help, she might do the same thing I did and seek help on her own, and my doctor realized she ought to either change her attitude fast or be left in the dark while her granddaughter is struggling. So I told her which psychologist I went to when I was also a depressed high schooler and how it helped and what I would have wanted my family to keep in mind. She thanks me and hands me a new perscription and sends me on my way.

So by now I am starting to notice a pattern.

Now, I'm actually an atheist, and I have 'Culturally Catholic' as a flaw and a laundry list of Stuff(TM) I have had to unlearn, but sometimes I really wonder if Someone Up There looked at me that day and thought:

"Hmm, looks like I have three problems I can solve with one well-positioned dumbass. Time to ruin her day for the good of the world!"

I mean. Happy to help but I really hope ruining my day won't be necessary next time.

[littlest-bugz]

. introduction post .

Hello!

My name is BUGZ ! I am a bodily 21 year old [polyfragmented] DID system. We collectively have ADHD, Autism, OCD and a few other comorbid disorders. They all affect our day to day, but we will likely only post about our experiences as a DID system. Collectively we use they/he/she pronouns!

Get to know us more below the cut!

[ byf and dni also below cut ]

About Us !

OUR FREQUENT FRONTERS !

As of Recently, we've been in a state of Resolution/Functional Multiplicity. Things don't really change much around here anymore. We do have a collective identity, which is the body's identity itself [though we did have someone split off based on the collective identity].

We collectively identify as transmasc, bigender, panalterous, omni oriented aroaceflux, and ambiamorous ! This is an agreed upon identity the entirety of The Crew and Co. and is essentially for the body itself. Names, pronouns, genders and sexualities all vary from alter to alter individually.

On our page, you will find. . .

Lots of reblogs on random topics and hyperfixations

System Content [Mostly Text Posts and half-baked, lazy memes]

Original userboxes, blinkies, stamps. [The link to my hoards are below!!!]

Stimboards and Moodboards

Worldbuilding and OC talk

. . . and more!

Flag and Userbox Reqs are open!!

Before you interact. . .

Our account may not be fully SFW, but we never reblog or post explicit material. I have a bad swearing problem, and due to my trauma, I have a hard time telling what is socially acceptable in regards for entirely being SFW. It's something I'm working on, but please be weary! We don't mind agere and petre engagement, just please know my blog is more skewed for mature audiences.

We almost never tag who is posting! We try, but it causes a lot of anxiety for a good amount of us. Please don't ask us to sign off our posts, as we feel it invades our boundaries. We're willing to give pronouns, but we generally try to keep our names more private.

We are endo apathetic. We honestly do not care if endos exist or not, we are just vibing in our own space. We only care about the misinfo on CDDs that is being spread. PLUS anyone is welcome on our blog as long as they don't drag us into any discourse/syscourse, aren't promoting misinformation, and/or being a generally bad or gross person.

We block liberally and without telling the blocked party. It's a force of habit that proves handy on the world wide web. We also ask you don't bother us to be unblocked.

BPD/NPD/HPD/ASPD havers are all welcome on our blog! If u believe in narc/histronic/borderline abuse, leave!!

WE ARE PRO-EDUCATED SELF DIAGNOSIS!!!

Do not interact. . .

Basic DNI Criteria [this is a link.] [note: some of the items on this list are repeated for ease of identification]

If you intend to ask about stances on discourse. [note: I'm always willing to be open to new lines of thinking and new ideas, as well as be corrected for any misinfo I may accidentally spread, but if you're going to talk down to me because I don't know or don't believe what you believe, I will block you. Speak to me as an equal or don't speak to me at all.]

pro/comshippers and pro/comship supporters.

transid/transx/radqueer or supporters [transRAMCOA/transProgrammer blocked on sight]

“cringe culture” supporters

ageplay/ddlg [again sfw agere/petre fine, but please know this account has mature themes.]

MAPs/Pedos and Zoos

Transphobes, TERFs, Radfems, Transmeds and the likes

anti-xenogender/anti-neopronouns

anti-mspec

pro-forced birth (“pro-life”)/ anti-abortion

More will be added as time goes. . .

Tags!

#important - important posts to us!

#littlest_bugz og - my original posts,,, may not be very original tho LOL

#reblogs ?! on my feed ?! /lh /j - My reblog tag!! Everything that gets reblogged should be under this tag, but I don't always remember

#you asked we answered - My ask tag! Feel free to send in asks at anytime

#so real for this - I don't know how to describe this properly, but these posts are so real.

#original userboxes/layouts/flags/ect - All of our original content divided into specifics! [ note: they are not all lumped together like that, just putting them all together for the sake of space, you can find most of them tagged in this post ]

#system posting - Our experiences on system hood as well as reblogs and other stuff! Was formerly 'system stuff'

#kinito posting - I am obsessed with an axolotl virus [mostly kinitopet fanart]

#stardew posting - I'm an avid stardew valley fan!!! I reblog fanart and post abt it sometimes

#lps posting - I am/was an avid lps collector!! I reblog fanart and post original content [sometimes,,, but usually text posts]

#cat posting - I reblog a lot of cat pictures and art!! cats r a huge comfort for me

#writer posting - where I post all my writing content, such as memes,,, mainly memes

#artist posting - where I put all my art text posts, especially memes, but also just general art we make

#poem posting - poems we make or poems we reblog

#the hoard - I hoard and collect deco. If the links don't work for some reason, just click this tag

more tba . . .

Links!

Deco Collection - A hoard of all our deco, which includes stamps, blinkies and userboxes WARNING; FLASHING IMAGES, BRIGHT COLORS, AND MORE! PROCEED WITH CAUTION

pronouns.cc - has [some of] the frequent fronter's pronouns, names, and sign-offs. Only the peeps that are safe to say

personal blog - a wip but where I will post a ton of journal entry stuff! but not rn, unfortunately

art comms website - two of our hosts are artists and take comms- this is their site! comms are currently closed, except for the demented chibi heads [link]

my ko-fi - commission payments go here! The chibi head listing is on here! you can also donate if you feel inclined to, but it's 110% not expected

[note: you will probably see a linktree on some of these because I get freaked out by so many links on a page, but this is different bc tumblr is like my hub, if that makes sense?]

[knoxdrei]

Morning Glow

For Trafalgar Water D Law, there was perhaps a view that he could get used to. The Polar Tang was calmly making its way through the sea. Close to the surface, just like every morning, so that they could exchange the stale oxygen from the night for a fresh sea breeze via the valves on the main mast. Even though they had an excellent ventilation system that filtered the air in a way that it wasn't actually necessary up to 96 hours, Law still insisted on it.

On one hand, it reduced the spread of diseases via ventilation and at the same time, it improved the crew's morale to see the sparse daylight shimmering in the ocean outside their windows.

Law would never admit it, of course, but even for him it was the perfect way to start the day, sitting alone in his cabin with his coffee cup and watching the sea shimmer and glisten.

And now that a certain swordsman was sharing the bunk with him while traveling from Zhou to Wano, maybe the whole spectacle had taken on a rather picture perfect touch.

Sipping the hot caffeinated brew, Law watched the reflections of the sea dance over marbled muscles. Small shadows were cast and continued to flit across the sea-tanned skin.

He leaned back silently on the couch, savoring the caffeine and the sight of the sleeping strawhat pirate in his bed. Stripped down to his bare skin and breathtakingly hot, piratehunter Roronoa Zoro laid across the mattress on his stomach, his arms crossed over his head, one hand buried in his soft hair and hummed under his breath.

A sign of trust.

Law had learned that the piratehunter only hummed like this when he was truly asleep. And heaven knows he really rarely did, which explained his need for constant naps.

In fact, Law had only known two situations so far.

One: Mugiwara-ya ordered his swordsman to do it.

The first time he had witnessed it was during their journey on Bartholomeo's fucked-up Fanboyship. Mugiwara-ya, usually so high-spirited and always in motion that Law had inwardly labeled him with the diagnosis ADHD, had calmly settled down next to the swordsman and ordered him to rest. The swordsman had snarled in disapproval but made absolutely no effort to resist when his captain had placed his head in his lap.

Law had watched the two of them for about an hour. Mugiwara-ya stayed abnormally quiet and serious on guard, while his swordsman allowed himself to let his guard down and actually sleep.

And two: for a couple of days now, Law could occasionally hear the exact same humming in his bed in the morning while he enjoyed his first cup of coffee of the day.

The first time, the usually vigilant piratehunter had been startled out of his sleep and, heavens, he'd been annoyed. Law had been flattered when he'd revealed that it was usually only around Mugiwara-ya that he was able to trust that someone was keeping track of things while he switched himself off for good.

The mystery that Zoro was now allowing himself this moment of vulnerability around the opposing pirate, passing that responsibility with the fresh smell of coffee for a while, remained a secret between the two of them.

It was perfectly fine with Law. As a captain it was his responsibility to protect the people on his ship anyway.

Besides, it gave him the chance to enjoy this picturesque view.

Of course Law would never tell anyone about this, but Zoro was an extraordinary specimen of the human race. His body was perfect and like something straight out of a medical textbook. Defined and an anatomical blueprint. Every single muscle was well-defined and trained. There was not an ounce of too much fat, allowing the muscles to stand out fine and marbled beneath his skin. When he flexed them, one could literally see them at work.

Fine veins were visible on the skin, making it easier for any doctor to insert injections. The skin was flawless, despite the many large and small but faded scars.

The swordsman's low hum was music to Law's ears. He still wondered how a man could have such an incredibly attractive voice.

The allied pirate fascinated him in more ways than one. The doctor in him loved his anatomy and was dying to dissect him down to the last fiber to figure out how the man had survived injuries that would kill any ordinary human. Ever since Chopper had handed him Zoro's medical file because of the short-term separation, his fingers had been tingling. The little quite adorable elk had warned him specifically about the swordsman as a patient. Although he never really got sick, he was constantly suffering from life-threatening injuries and had no sense when it came to his recovery.

Law hadn't been able to resist using his Room to sneak a closer examination of the documented traumas while Zoro was in a deep slumber. There was hardly a bone in his body without traces of old fractures and many of his organs had scar tissue from internal injuries.

Nevertheless, he was still a perfectly healthy man.

His ability to heal had to be extraordinary. However, Law already experienced that his sense of physical pain was almost non-existent. Which was absolutely incomprehensible when one considered just how ticklish and sensitive the swordsman reacted to being touched.

But apart from the fact that he was a medical wonder whose secret he would love to find out, Law was also fascinated by the man.

Piratehunter Roronoa Zoro was not some emotionless demon, contrary to the myths about him. A predator, no doubt. But one that was quite docile when not provoked.

The swordsman was somehow intelligent, cunning and stupid at the same time. On the surface he gave the impression of four functioning brain cells: Breathing, sleeping, drinking and eating, training and fighting.

Maybe even sex, judging by how needy the pirate could be.

However, on a closer analysis, he was so much more than that.

He was truly masterful at trusting his instincts. And so far, Law had never once experienced them cheating on him. Except maybe when it came to his sense of direction. Which was absolutely catastrophic.

Law chuckled softly into his coffee at the thought of how sensitive the swordsman was about his weakness. But who in the name of the devil got lost on a straight path? And how on earth was it possible not to tease him about that?

The swordsman growled softly, as if he knew exactly what Law was thinking about. The smile on the doctor's lips spread a little wider. Zoro had probably rested enough and would wake up soon. Returned to his vigilance.

And Zoro truly did always keep a watchful eye on the people around him, apparently feeling somehow responsible for their protection. He was just gentler than people gave him credit for.

"Your fucking eyes might just pop out when you keep staring at my backside like that!"

The swordsman's low sleepy growl filled the room, although it was barely more than a whisper. Zoro didn't even start to move, he wasn't really fully awake yet.

"Hmm..." Law grinned into his coffee. "Just admired that bite mark on your ass cheek."

Zoro laughed quietly and clicked his tongue. "Guess the little fucker just wasn't able to control himself last night!"

"Seems like it!" Law admitted and drained his cup. He watched as the swordsman stretched and finally rose. Still sleepy, he stumbled over to Law and reached for the cup in his hand. Law smirked as the man allowed himself a brief pout at the yawning emptiness of the vessel.

Silently, he took the cup labeled Greatest Captain #1 away from him and winked. Two hand gestures and two words later, the empty vessel in his hand was replaced by a cup of fresh hot coffee.

The swordsman grinned with satisfaction and took the cup. "Lucky you. I was about to call you a fucking egotist!" he grumbled into the cup and flopped down on the sofa with Law. Just like any other morning, the surgeon spread his legs without a word and let the swordsman lean back against his chest, enjoying his first sip of caffeine for the day.

"How rude, Zoro-ya! Who the heck said I'd share my beloved mug of coffee with you?" he teased, taking the cup from the pirate again. Zoro just grumbled again, low and vibrating so Law could feel it against his bare chest. It was their little ritual.

The swordsman stole a single sip of coffee and then laid back down to sleep. This time, on top of Law. And this time on guard.

Another small detail of his morning that he could almost get quite used to. However, there was absolutely no question of being given the chance to enjoy it over the long run. They almost arrived at Wano and it was out of question that their ways will part once they took Kaido down.

Law would ask, but he knew that it was absolutely pointless. And he had to admit, at least to himself, that he was a little envious of Mugiwara-ya. Envious that this annoying rubber gnome had found this man and earned his unconditional loyalty and devotion. Even if Law had the audacity to try to steal the swordsman away - and by heavens, if he had the chance, he wouldn't hesitate for a second - all he would gain was a loss, because piratehunter Roronoa Zoro would never pledge himself to anyone other than Monkey D Luffy.

Law grumbled scowling. Who was he fooling? He wasn't envious, he was freaking jealous of Mugiwara-ya. Sure, his crew was also loyal and devoted to him, but Zoro was taking it to a level with his devotion that he would love to have all to himself.

"How can you be in such a bad mood first thing every morning?" the swordsman muttered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Shut up!" Law replied and reached for his chin. He gently pulled it upwards and placed a kiss on his forehead. Zoro grinned and looked at him.

"Good morning, sunshine!"

Law smiled as the piratehunter took his hand and placed it on his chest. Right over that heart. He felt a small skip in heartbeat. Well, while he might not have this man in his crew, there was something he had that nobody else could possess.

His own heartbeat safely stored in the strong chest of piratehunter Roronoa Zoro, whose beating heart he could sense calm and strong inside himself.