#don’t get me wrong. I love femmes. sometimes a character Would Be Femme

[skelelephant]

hello artist who wants to make a genderbent au of a male-dominated piece of media. In front of you, you’ll see a copy of Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Fienberg and a google image search for the word “butch”.

You have two hours to come up with designs for some of these characters that aren’t femme. If you can’t accomplish this, your drawing hand will be removed from your person.

[fandomshatewomen]

Uhura hate vs Concerned fans? Who is really winning?

In response to SNW Uhura hate, I will like to address this objectively and logically.

1. Admitting it is wrong to hate or bully ceelia gooding.

2. Also saying she is miscast in the role of Uhura. 

I do not condone any hate or racism to any actor. Nonetheless I do believe some actor are not right for a part or sometimes actors are miscast deliberately for a part to push an agenda.

The very first time I saw the promo for snw, I was shocked at the Uhura photos as I could not truly tell if that was meant to be a boy or a girl. having to now accept that, this is meant to be a young Nyota felt too far-fetched.

We should not condone hate. However fans also need space to express genuine  concerns. I do NOT believe that the majority of people that say Ceelia Gooding is miscast hate her. they don’t just think she is right for the role and I agree.

SNW will never have cast a  Danny DeVito or a Jason Alexander actor in the role as Spock. They also would never have cast a Rosie O'Donnell as T-Pring or Chapel or Una. I love all these actors but they will be 100% wrong for some trek roles. This is the same with Ceelia Gooding as Uhura, an actress who may also be undergoing gender hormone therapy as a non-binary actor. It makes sense that Uhura looks very androgynous on the show, she is played by a non binary actor.

Sometimes even with racism, some actors still fit the part that could not be denied. Look at Halle Bailey, despite not been white she was still a perfect casting of Ariel in the little mermaid. This is not the case with Ceelia Gooding. There is nothing about her that is similar to TOS Uhura or what made Uhura Iconic.



Alright friend, you caught me on a day when I've got some extra time and spoons so I'm gonna try and engage with your message under the assumption of good faith (but to be clear, with all due respect, framing your message as "objective" and "logical" is giving big dogwhistle energy...)

Quick piece of context setting, I'm mostly familiar with Star Trek media through social osmosis and not personally watching the movies or tv shows, but I would say I'm familiar enough for a general conversation. I also did about 30min of additional research to double check my info but if I get some details wrong, that's why.

For anyone unfamiliar, Strange New Worlds (SNW) is a prequel to the original series of Star Trek (TOS) so they feature a handful of the same characters.

Now, you say there is "nothing about [Celia Gooding] that is similar to TOS Uhura or what made Uhura iconic." I think there's plenty about Gooding that is similar to Nichelle Nichols/TOS Uhura. They are both black, they are both relatively femme presenting, neither is visibly physically disabled, and they are pretty close to the same height (5ft5in vs 5ft8in). So then are you upset that SNW Uhura wears her hair short? Or are you upset that she wears pants and a tunic style jacket as her standard costume rather than sheer tights and a dress that barely covers her butt?

As an aside, "iconic" is a wholly subjective category but I don't disagree that Uhura is an iconic character. That being said, since you point out that quality, if you're up for sharing, I'm curious what you think made TOS Uhura iconic that is so different with SNW Uhura.

To quickly address your counter example, sure, if Danny Devito were cast in a prequel role to Leonard Nimoy's Mister Spock, that would strain credulity. But let me ask you this -- do you *really* see the same level of difference between the visual presentation of Danny Devito vs Leonard Nimoy and Celia Gooding vs Nichelle Nichols? Really? Let me grab a few pictures just to be sure we're all seeing the same people...

(image description: two photos, both featuring two men standing side by side; on the left is Danny Devito, a shorter heavy-set man, with George Clooney, a much taller and slim man; on the right is Leonard Nimoy with Jim Parsons, they are both tall and slim /end id)

(image description: two photos, both featuring femme-presenting individuals standing alone and looking into the camera; the one on the left is wearing a silky red ball gown with a deep-v neckline that shows off their boobs, they are wearing light makeup and some jewelry and their dark hair is buzzed short; the one on the right is wearing a glittery gold ball gown that has two high slits to show off her legs, she is also wearing some makeup and jewelry and her longer fluffier hair is styled in an updo typical of the 1960s /end id)

Look.......... the only specific/clear(ish) objections you've raised about Gooding getting cast in this role are about her appearance. As I have hopefully sufficiently demonstrated, I think those concerns are unfounded. If you have issues with the narrative/plot/character development for SNW Uhura, your problem should be with the writers and not with Celia.

If you're up for a little self reflection, try and get more specific about what bothers you so much about the situation. Connecting some dots here, you said SNW Uhura is too different from TOS Uhura to be acceptable to you, but you did not raise the same concerns about Ethan Peck as SNW Spock, even though he's also different from Leonard Nimoy as TOS Spock. What's the difference in the differences that makes one of these fine and one of these not?

•mod dyr

-----------

adding this photo i found of nichelle and leonard bc its so sweet <3

[thisismisogynoir]

Non-Blacks Don’t Reblog This.

Where are all the Black lesbians that straight Black women are claiming are overrepresented in media because honey I ain’t seeing them.

I see so many straight Black women(namely on social media) saying that most Black female representation in mainstream media is lesbian. They complain that those characters only exist to tick off as many diversity boxes as possible(bc yk being Black and gay isn’t possibly something that can coexist), and that they’re only gay to send the message that Black women are less desirable to men(bc you know we all want to be desirable to men and that’s what our value hinges on), and so on and so forth, just plain utter nonsense.

And don’t get me wrong, some of their complaints were valid, such as that these characters’ sexualities sometimes aren’t given much focus in media, or that they are often more masculine(which isn’t a bad thing once again but it would be nice to see more Black femmes in media), or that they are often given a white woman love interest, or at worst that they tend to be made cops, but beyond that I reeeeeeally have to question why I so often see straight Black women complaining about “too many” Black girls being lesbians in fiction because as a Black lesbian I can assure you that this is nowhere near the reality. I also saw someone complain that every strong female character is made a lesbian. And well…you all already know my thoughts about that.

To me it just seems like regular degular lesbophobia. A lot of straight women have this aversion to lesbians and see us as the worst thing a woman or female-aligned person can possibly be: completely independent of and not in need of men. And sadly this isn’t just exclusive to white women, but Black women and women of color can do this too because lesbophobia is universal. I’m so sick of straight women throwing lesbians under the bus even in shared marginalized spaces and seeing us as this stereotype or negative example to avoid. There needs to be more diverse representation of Black love in media, that cannot be denied, but what I cannot sit here and take is straight Black women acting like Black lesbians are the problem. Because again, show me the plethora of Black lesbians that are supposedly oversaturating media and being more represented than straight Black women. I wanna live on the planet you live on. Both straight Black women and white lesbians get waaaay more representation than Black lesbians combined and yet it’s Black lesbians that are the problem and the overdone stereotype that we need to do away with. Lmao.

[vacantgodling]

I wanted to ask about someone from demon slayer but I couldn't figure out who to ask about so. please go off about someone from demon slayer if you have opinions otherwise please blast me with overwatch thoughts for:

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

~ @void-botanist

LMAOOO thank you for the ask :’) technically i got some stuff im not normal about when it comes to demon slayer even tho i am much more chill about it than other things that i’m into LOL.

ummm i feel like it’d be easier if i just did it for the cast overall? cuz when else am i gonna talk about this pff

15. What is your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn’t matter if it’s canon or not)

my main demon slayer ships are:

Rengoku x Uzui (like a Lot this is probably my otp of this show. however uzui’s wives are included. its like a separate spoke poly to me? uzui x his wives are one half and the wives are all into each other then uzui x rengoku is the other half and rengoku and uzui’s wives all care about each other in a more platonic way lol. basically a healthy poly thing in my mind)

Tanjiro & Zenitsu & Inosuke (in a platonic way!!! those are my sons don’t separate them or i’ll sob!!!!!!)

Giyuu x Shinobu (i like how she teases him and even if she is disdained by his awkwardness sometimes i think she can really understand where he’s coming from and understand him even when he’s just kinda like :| yknow)

16. What is your least favorite ship for this character?

ig i can go down the list for stuff ive seen with any of the above that i’m not a huge fan of?

Rengoku x Akaza -> i hate akaza so fucking much i am strangling every post i see with him and this ship with my bare hands. I Do Not Care about akaza’s boohoo sad backstory i am killing him and not in the teehee way i mean every time i see him i become Enraged <3. muzan may be the antagonist of demon slayer but i want to see akaza’s death animated in Great Detail.

haven’t seen anything about uzui that’s made me squick cuz most people ship him with either his wives or with rengoku lmao

Tanjiro x Kanao -> even though they are canon i’m just not super into her character ig? like she and tanjiro don’t seem like couple material to me. he doesn’t really treat her any differently than any other person he interacts with (imo) and i would argue he shows more care and interest and love towards zenitsu and inosuke than kanao specifically. aside from the standard anime “girl pretty” energy which like. all anime does that so it’s not even a measure of attraction to me anymore (being a long time anime fan). don’t get me wrong i don’t hate her as a character but as a couple they just seem so… boring. esp of the main three canon couples. like inosuke and aoi i can see and i don’t mind, zenitsu and nezuko are a given but… kanao just isn’t a good match for my boy ig (to me) 💀💀

Zenitsu and Inosuke only really get shipped with Nezuko/Tanjiro (solo) respectively and i don’t dislike those. i just like the three of them together at all costs so ig i don’t like the idea of tanjiro and inosuke dating and zenitsu kinda being on the side if i HAD to be nitpicky about it. like the three of them are a unit. do not separate.

Giyuu x Sanemi -> sorry i just don’t like sanemi 💀💀💀

Shinobu x Mitsuri -> i LOVE mitsuri to death. but i hate when fandoms ship two femme characters just because they could be a lesbian couple and for no other reason aside from that. like i get Why because lesbian candidates in anime is fleeting esp in shonen bc of a lack of femme characters in general so like. i understand that but maybe just cuz im not a lesbian idc that much. it’s similar to how i feel about tanjiro/kanao i just don’t think mitsuri has put any special emphasis on her relationship with shinobu. like she looks up to her definitely. but like mitsuri loves everyone. and i feel like shinobu would do better with someone she wouldn’t feel pressured to be Only the happy side of herself with and i feel like once she broke down that barrier she would be able to be more herself around giyuu than around mitsuri.

also this isn’t mentioned in my main ships but i don’t like Mitsuri and Obanai as a couple. idc if they’re canon i don’t like him he’s annoying asf he is not good enough for my girl.

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

Rengoku x Giyuu i’ve seen around and i’m okay with it. i love both of these two to death (#tanjiro’solderbrothers) and so them together makes me very soft. i think it would be super rough for giyuu just because i don’t think he’d think he was Good Enough for rengoku which is why i don’t ship it too heavily but like i love them both so i’m never mad when i see it.

Giyuu x Sabito i don’t really ship but like obviously i get why people do and it makes my heart hurt despite not shipping it like that </3

Tanjiro x Genya or Tanjiro x Muichiro are two things i don’t mind seeing. i don’t really ship them bc like. tanjiro is my son and it’s kinda weird for me to think about him romantically l m a o? and muichiro is even younger than him lol. in the case of genya i totally get it but again it’s more just “hmm yes that’s his best friend” like i immediately in my mind view it platonically vs romantically.

annnnd i think that’s it from off the top of my head? thank you again this was fun to actually talk about instead of just rotating it in my brain PFF

[sebastianshaw]

In my darkest fantasies I am the picture of passivity Waiting for you silent stage Suppressing all my private rage But as my sister said I’d probably last six days - Girls Against God by Florence + the Machine I’ve said before Haven is generally my Mary Sue character now, with me just inserting her into everything and typically having everyone love her because it soothes my salty soul after how she was ACTUALLY treated. But there are some characters I do see being mean to her, because, well, it makes sense. Like Sinister, the Fenris twins, and. . .Emma. Now, evil and/or racist characters like the first two, but why Emma? Partly, I’m kinda fed up with her in canon so it’s the “make the character I don’t like look bad by being mean to my fave” Mary Sue thing. But partly, Emma actually is just mean. She’s mean even to people she LIKES. And I don’t think she’d like Haven AT ALL. Why though? Because I think in many ways, Haven throws Emma’s entire understanding of how the world works out of whack. Before I get going, I’d like to note, I am NOT an Emma expert so if you find yourself thinking my analysis is TOTALLY WRONG, you are probably right. But this has been in my head for AGES so I’m gonna get going.

Both Haven and Emma are very feminine in extremely stereotypical ways, but it’s very OPPOSITE ways of femininity. Emma is the “sharp” and “sexy” way, the femme fatale, whole “my eyeliner wings are sharp to cut the patriarchy” thing, the “women as conniving schemers” way. Haven is the “soft” way, the maternal way, the women as maternal and nurturing beings. This is even reflected in their dress; Emma in high-fashion super-skimpy stark whites with mostly sharp cuts, Haven in very traditional long flowy and ornate, detailed outfits in bright colors. An n being soft and yielding and nonsexual, Haven is everything Emma either can’t be, or thought she had to push down and stop herself from ever being in order to survive and succeed. She’s everything Emma thought she would be punished and taken advantage of if she allowed herself to become, and thus expects to see other women punished for. And yet, Haven is rewarded for it instead. And I think that would tick Emma off. Of course, Haven is NOT rewarded for ANY of this in canon. You KNOW how she’s treated in canon. But in MY world, where -I- am writing things, Haven’s way of being a woman and how she handles situations in general is, while SOMETIMES a hindrance or not effective, is also often rewarded and very effective. She takes a very different route with Emma, but gets great results. And to Emma, this is both bizarre and unfair. It’s bizarre because her entire life she’s felt she had to take the route of firstly being extremely callous and mean and disliked to get shit done, and also to exploit her beauty and sexuality for the same reason. She sees women who don’t as weaklings and fools, she’s pretty plain about this fact in the 80s when she talks to that one Hellfire maid who is upset about the costumes. So when she sees Haven doing NONE of this, doing the OPPOSITE, and getting just as good, it’s not just weird, it’s upsetting—Emma had to repress and carve away all the softness in herself to the point it became a struggle to reach even when she wanted to. Haven didn’t have to do that, but she’s reaping the benefits that Emma sacrificed so much for. There’s also the fact that her mother Hazel is the only “soft” woman (read: didn’t do anything about the abuse in their household, never spoke up against their father, etc) in Emma’s life and she’s a bystander to abuse. Emma has complicated feelings for her father; she hates him yet she credits him for making her a very successful woman. At times she seems to have empathy and even sympathy for him but she has none of that for Hazel that I’ve ever seen. She never expresses any feelings about Hazel at all  to my memory. She’s a non entity, she’s just there, she doesn’t count, and I think that’s how Emma sees women who aren’t like herself, as being like Hazel. Useless people who let bad things happen because they don’t have the spine to do something. So definitely hostility and projecting there. Now, speaking of women and men. . .

In canon, Haven’s allies are almost all women, and the one guy who goes to bat for her is Madrox’s gay-coded dupe who cries and wears a pink crop top that says Stop The Hate. And I definitely think Haven is a girl’s girl, I write her as catnip to other women in various ways, but I also think she’d have quite an effect on many men too. Just, not like Emma does. Emma banks on men’s desire, exploiting their need to either have her sexually because she’s hot or to conquer her because she’s NOT docile and submissive. Haven is beautiful, and I’m sure some men find her sexy, but the response I think she mainly elicits is the response to protect, to serve her, to be polite to her, to open doors, to not swear in her presence or make her cry, that kind of thing. It is still sexist in its own way, but a far more soft and benevolent sort, where she’s pedestalized as a treasure and can get to her goals that way, rather than putting up with the insipid lust and misogyny that Emma, by her own admission, relies on. Again, she gets the same results without the same sacrifice that Emma felt she had to make.

And again, Haven is beautiful. This is remarked upon in-universe, with Strong Guy saying she looks like a “babe of the month” despite that fact that she’s 40, six feet tall, with very dark skin and, to put it bluntly, a big ass (which was NOT desirable in the “heroin chic” 90s America). None of which is unattractive, btw, but is often treated like it is. Emma is the epitome of white Western beauty standards, and she canonically did that very deliberately via hair dye and plastic surgery and she sleeps in her diamond form to stave off aging. So yet again, from Emma’s perspective, she put in all this work, but then Haven shows up and is getting the same admiration while not putting in any of the effort. It’s enraging. Doubly so since my Haven has love handles and smile lines. Given how Emma has body-shamed totally svelte women before, I have no doubt she’s got no shortage of catty comments for Haven on this matter. And the thing is, Emma does see other women as competition by default as it is even without all this extra reasoning. Her father was the abuser in her household, but that abuse made her sisters into her enemies and her mother into an enabler. We can see this attitude in how she’s interacted with other women for DECADES, always ready to tear them down in one sense or another. Ironically it’s even how she seems to ultimately bond with other women, by starting off with animosity—her and Jean, her and Storm, her and Kitty in Astonishing. Any woman that Emma is friends with has always started out firstly as a foe, and always an extremely personal one at that—these three are the ones she hurt most after Firestar. I don’t think Emma knows HOW to build a positive relationship with another woman that doesn’t begin from animosity. If Emma can build a bond with another woman that doesn’t involve seriously clawing chunks out of each other emotionally and sometimes physically along the way, I have yet to see it (no, I do not count the Lourdes retcon) And integral to this is that the other woman in the equation does strike back, does have that inside her too, often in a way as nasty and cruel as Emma herself could be. Jean, Kate, and Ororo have all shown themselves more than once to be capable of absolute brutality towards others under the right circumstances, and Jean in particular really hurt Emma in a very cruel way in retaliation once. And I think it’s only then that Emma can see these women as worthy of her respect, and as kindred spirits under the skin, someone who is like her in some way, and thus not someone she feels “bad” by comparison next to. That’s why she WANTS Haven to “hit back” to show she actually ISN’T this perfect soft enduring angel, but Haven WON’T and I think it would drive her batty. Because the thing is, I think Emma knows Haven COULD hurt her if she chose, just as badly as Jean and without even needing telepathy. Emma has an empathy and understanding of other people that she usually uses for cruelty, as she did when she was brainwashing Firestar. Haven demonstrated in canon that she COULD do the same but chose not to, when she pinpoints the psychological problems and pains of everyone in X-Factor, but approaches them with sympathy rather than manipulation. She does CLAIM she’ll use these issues against them if they keep getting in her way, but never does. So she COULD probably rip Emma an emotional new one but WONT, and her refusing to rise to any bait Emma gives—as I see Emma trying to provoke her—makes Emma both see as morally superior (which she hates) and ALSO as unworthy as respect for not taking the shot. In Emma’s head, she’s both better AND worse than she is, and she hates both options. It’s complicated, basically, as anything with Emma is. And bringing it to “feeling bad in comparison next to”--while Emma is in general proud of who and what she is and sees it as an advantage to getting things done for others that need to be done and that other characters are too “pure” to do (which is an unusual thing for a female character and I do like that about her) there are absolutely moments she’s conflicted about it and hates herself for it. I think she’s proud of who she is and looks down on others….and I also think she thinks she’s a bad person. And here Haven is, just effortlessly embodying these traits Emma is so pained by lacking (or believing that she lacks) and actually getting things done like that and people love her for it. It’s upsetting. It makes Emma feel like maybe she never had to work to strip away all softness for herself, resent Haven for not having to make the sacrifices of her own soul that she did to get the same results, it makes her feel unappreciated because don’t these people who fawn over Haven realize what SHE went through for THEM? None of which is Haven’s fault nor even necessarily reality, but it’s a very HUMAN response in my opinion. And speaking of feelings, Haven’s someone pretty clearly okay with them, whereas Emma has very much shown herself as afraid of them. And I think there’d be a definite envy that Haven can let herself be so vulnerable in so many ways and be at ease with that. I also think she sees Haven as able to escape her past and responsibility for it in a way Emma can’t, because as much as writers try and drive it into readers heads that Emma was Actually Innocent and Heroic The Whole Time, other characters did still bring up Emma’s history in-universe against her all the time well after her heel-face-turn. Whereas Haven actually does have a really goddamn good excuse. As for how Haven feels in all this. . .she handles every jab with absolute grace, not retaliating or displaying any upset. Emma’s doubtless not the first person to attempt to get under her skin for some reason. And because Haven is so uncannily perceptive and empathetic, I think she can discern at least SOME of Emma’s reasons, even if she can’t know why she has those reasons, and she has a quiet sympathy for her. Which, of course, would just piss Emma off more. Because this woman isn’t buckling or shrinking under her, which the bully in Emma wants, the need to punish other women for not being like she is, the contempt she has for that (again, see the maid), but she’s also not doing the OTHER option Emma wants either, which is rising to it, breaking her Miss Perfect mask, showing she’s NOT this angel everyone else thinks. She does NOT bow to Emma, and yet neither does she push back. She is unyielding yet softly so, like a padded wall. And I think that just drives Emma nuts. But hey, I could be wrong.

[bookshelf-dust]

I wish I could hold you and tell you it's going to get better. I promise you it does. Being someone who strugfles with hating the body I'm in, I totally relate to how you're feeling. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, and I sonetimes feel like that's why I'm single. I don't look "womanly" at all, actually I've been compared to a prepubescent boy more often than not. It sucks. I'm constantly being discouraged because I'll spot a nice outfit or dress somewhere and I'm never able to fill it out like how a woman should. My boobs and my hips are also my biggest insecurity. I think I look like a box. I feel like a box sometimes.

But it does get better. Little words or thoughts of affirmation help. This might seem weird but dancing in my room helps. Sometimes in front of my mirror, sometimes just wigging to music in the dark. Pretending I'm a femme fatale in a golden age Hollywood movie helps. Quirky little things like imagining my favorite characters flirting with me helps. You just have to find your quirky thing. 😉 But always remember that you are beautiful. You're everything. 🫶🏻

feelings ahead:

this is making me emotional, jesus christ. like, for real choking up. it means a lot to me for you to say all of that. i really do appreciate it. the problem with me is that i am not a positive person. there isn’t a bone in my body that believes i’ll get better or that could even bring me to dance around in my room. i can’t even allow myself to think that a fictional character would be into me because i know it’s not true. this is really exposing how fucked up my mind is, but anyway.

i am prone to giving up. and i have never felt so stuck. i wish i could say that i’d try and think positive thoughts, but it’s just so hard. i’m not gonna go on a rant about the specific things wrong with my body because no one needs to hear that. but i fucking hate it. i really do.

i know i’m in my head, and what i’m trying to say is that i’m thankful that you are encouraging me. that you could pull me out of my thoughts for just a second. maybe one day i’ll feel better, maybe not. but it means a lot to me that you think i’m everything, even if i don’t feel the same. i can’t even fathom that someone would think that about little old me.

society is so fucked up with the standards of how a woman’s—or anyone’s, really—body should look. its fucking disgusting that we’re trained to think we should look a certain way. you never deserved to hear any of that shit. i know you’re beautiful. i can feel it. and there’s no one way you’re supposed to fill out something, okay? next time you’re out and you see something pretty? please don’t second guess yourself. get the dress. do it for me because i can’t. do it because you deserve to feel pretty. because you can do whatever you want.

thank you for being there for me. i love you.

[livvyofthelake]

1, 4, 8, 18, 19 <333 a lot but I love the way you hate 🫂

1) the character everyone gets wrong

i already said arthur but since you didn’t specify a fandom i will use this space to complain about the shadowhunter chronicles <3 nobody on earth understands my girl isabelle lightwood it’s sick and twisted. i can’t even think about how bad the tv show fumbled her it makes me so angry i want to start screaming. like. congratulations everyone you fell for the femme fatale front she was putting up… even the people who were supposed to be writing her and understanding her character it’s ridiculous like none of that is what cassie wrote and i read…

4) what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

again i already answered this but one time i blocked someone because their icon looked really weird and they spam liked and it freaked me out seeing their icon so much. me when i’m so normal and nice i guess.

8) common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

WHEN BBC MERLIN FANS. actually i could finish this answer right there couldn’t i… no i’ll finish for real. when bbc merlin fans are like ohhhh why did the show do (insert widely known story beat from centuries of legends) like girl it was ALWAYS going to happen that way that’s the point….. mordred was always going to turn on arthur, morgana was always going to become evil, etc. yes there are issues with HOW the show did that stuff (meaning they did it in such stupid ways it’s laughable) but that’s the story… it’s BEEN set come on…

18) it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

can i say that i think all fandoms (on tumblr) really sleep on straight ships or is that an insane thing to say. like sometimes i don’t care if that man was homoerotic with his pal and it’s insane that you care more about that than his awesomely written relationship with his girlfriend/ex fiancée/some kind of love interest. ok this is about izombie this is about liv and major. i don’t care about major and ravi!!!!!!! major and liv are literally endgame grow up!!!! but no this is also true for every fandom ever. the way people ignore a man’s canonical female love interest if he has even one ounce of gay tension with some other dude in the show is ridiculous idk

19) you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

i guess i’m supposed to say ben barnes shadow and bone here or whatever. but i’m not actually mad about it because i’m a born apologist and knew this would happen. but i feel like i’m supposed to not like him. or i’m supposed to like him but righteous fandom people think it’s activism to not like him and therefore they would hate me sooo much because i formulate my own opinions with nuance and depth or whatever. also rumplestiltskin once upon a time. robert carlyle you got to me man… i could write essay length posts about that character actually don’t get me started. also i finished this question, saved the draft, and then another ask reminded me of the wilds, so i should also add that in hindsight i’m very embarrassed about the way i acted about the wilds season 2…. like i can’t believe you all let me act like that about men. in the feminist lord of the flies show…. why was i allowed to do that seriously that was sick….

[absolutebl]

10 BLs Worth Sticking With Despite the Start

Sometimes I had to really stick with a show despite myself to make it trough. In a few instances, I actually dropped a show and then someone convinced me to try again. 

1. 2gether

It’s not secret that I think GMMTV’s big guns 2gether is overrated. But it tops this list because I think I had to try this BL 6X before finally getting though the first 3 episodes. Honestly, had there been any other new BLs (there wasn’t much back then) I probubly never would have watched 2g. I absolutely loathe the character of Green, such a caricature of predatory gay, not to mention punching down humor on femme. I have real issues with the start of this show. But I actually kinda enjoyed the rest of it. 

2. DNA Says Love You

I really did not like the first episode of this recent Taiwanese drama. I think it has to so with the fact that Amber isn’t introduced until the very end, and he holds this BL down. But even saying that, the first half of this series drags for me. I’m just not into the paranormal investigator aspect, I find it boring. 

3. He’s Coming To Me 

I just remember finding it pretty dull until the two leads get together as adults, and I only ever rewatch the second half. 

4. Oh Boarding House! 

In general Japan and Korea are pretty good on their hooks (they don’t have as much time for fart around with as Thailand). But I wasn’t into this one as it didn’t know if it wanted to be a sitcom or a BL. Once it decided to be a KBL I really enjoyed it, but I doubt I will ever rewatch the first few eps. 

5. Gameboys 

I could not get into the premies of this one. Too close to home in terms of quarantine at the time and also I’ve never been one for online gaming or dating. And I could not see how they would manage all chemistry dynamics with separated characters. They defied the odds, and I was impressed, but it took me a while and it’s not a rewatcher for me. 

6. HIStory 2 Right or Wrong 

An odd one to pick, but I think many are with me that it’s the neglectful parent aspect I found really off putting. I got over it because I like the pair dynamic so much, but it’s still hard to watch a single dad be that much of a deadbeat and still sympathize with him finding love. This is the reason I don’t rec it as much as I normal would for a BL that hits all my buttons (age gap, teacher student, out gay, accepting bi, tiny family). 

7. So Much In Love

One of those Thai pulps I don’t talk about much because its hard to find and not good. Except... I really liked the premise, I enjoyed the leads and the horror elements. It’s on this list because I am glad I gave it a chance and stuck with it. And if it ever got picked up by GaGa I would probubly watch it again. 

8. Ingredients the series

Ooof it’s so SLOOOOOWWWWWWW. But then, I switched off that part of my brain and was like, ahhh.... this is the bubble bath BLs, just relax and enjoy. 

9. Love Sick 

Becha didn’t guess this one? Look, go back and rewatch that first ep. OMG is it lousy. Nothing happens, it’s chaos, there’s too much time spent on other couples. It’s a terrible opener. Fair though, because it didn’t know what it was, or what it was doing yet because it was the one to break that ground in Thailand. 

10. Why R U?

Topping the list. What can I say? I HATED SaifahZon. Like deeply disliked Tommy’s character in the first ep, their dynamic, just everything about them, and originally were to lead-out this show out. I didn’t like it at all until the focus turned to FighterTutor. And honestly it was mostly Zee who won me over. (Those soft soft eyes of his.) Have I come around to SaifahZon? Mostly... I still prefer FIghterTutor tho. 

 Honorable Mention

Secret Crush On You - I basically had to stop/start, fast forwards, finagle my way through the first 6 eps of this show. And some of the rest of it too. It’s too cringey for me, yet the queer rep is so wonderful. The struggle is real.

Triage - it’s airing right now and I never rec a BL I haven’t finished. But I hated the time loop premise going in (I am NOT a fan of Groundhog Day). ALSO I had seen and actively disliked the short it’s based off. ALSO I was never a huge fan of this lead pair. And yet it was just high enough concept and well enough done in a medical setting (my weakness) for me to REALLY TRY... It took me three eps to get into, but now it’s one of my current favorites. I hope they land it well, it’s really pretty special. 

Vietnamese BL in general. Look they don’t really have a system down yet, so they often open a little weak, slow, or awkward. Because this is their style, I kinda always give the a pass on the first few episodes. But we all have to be okay with this if we are going to watch VBL because it doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon.  

(source) 

I am genuinely curious, what are some of yours? What did you start and then stop? What made you drop it? Why did you pick it back up again? 

[thekingsfantasy]

Long Tall Sally - Part 2 of LOYL

Part 2 of my series Love Of Your Life. Part 1 here.

Austin!Elvis x femm y/n

Summary: Elvis has introduced himself to you. He asks you to spend the night with him and dance at Club Handy.

Notes: My writing honestly isn't the greatest. I have a hard time sometimes displaying emotions and what the characters are doing, so I hope this is ok! Not historically accurate. Only fantasy. Hope you enjoy. :)

“Those were some kind of moves you’ve got there, mama” he says and smiles. He offers you his hand to shake. “I’m Elvis. Elvis Presley” His southern drawl fell from his lips like butter. His blue eyes did not break contact with yours, although you sheepishly looked down onto your feet for a couple of moments before looking back at him. You hold out your hand to shake, but he takes it gently and brings it up to his face, kissing it softly. His lips felt warm and soft, reminding you of a warm Memphis night. Elvis had slicked back hair with one tousle falling out the front. He was dressed in all black, with a pink lace print shirt matched with black and white oxfords. Black makeup was smudged around his eyes.

“Who do I have the pleasure of meeting tonight?”

Olivia nudges you and you find the courage to speak.

“I-Uh. Sorry. My name is Y/N. It is such a pleasure to meet you Mr. Presley” You gush. He was still holding your hand in his.

“Please don’t be sorry, dove. And call me Elvis.” He smiles. “And who is this?” He asked, referring to Olivia.

“I’m Olivia, Mr. Presley, I mean, Elvis” she giggles. You could feel her pushing you closer to him from your back. “I told Y/N you were looking at her and she didn’t believe me!”

“Olivia!”

Elvis laughs. “Ah Y/N, she’s right. I was lookin’ your way. And trust me, my eyes were on you.” He winks at you while he smiles. Elvis takes his hand from yours and shakes Olivia’s.

You could hardly believe what you were hearing. You knew it was happening, but why you? You never in a million years thought someone so handsome would approach you like that. You noticed his scent as he leans past you. The man smelled like a sweet cologne mixed with musk. It was intoxicating. He leaned back and looked at you again, taking his fingers and pinching them between his full lips. “Would ya care to join me at the table before the next performance, Y/N? I aint leavin’ this club until I get to dance with ya.” He smiles warmly and gestures to the table.

“Oh-I, Yes! I’d love to. I’m with Olivia, but- “

Olivia grabs your arm from behind you and speaks in your ear as the music is starting up again. “I’m going to leave you two be, I see Will has just shown up.” She looks at Elvis and smiles brightly. “Very nice to meet you Elvis. You two cats have fun! I’ll see you later, Y/N.” Olivia pinches your arm, a subtle sign of saying ‘good luck with the most hand some guy on the planet right now’.

Elvis waves back at Olivia, putting all his attention on you once again. The crowd was starting to come to the floor. “Shall we?” He holds out his arm and you weave yours through while you walk back to the table, while Elvis acknowledges everyone that is patting him on the back or shaking his hand on the way there. Before he sits down, he pulls your chair out for you to sit.

“Quite the gentlemen” you tease, laughing softly and sit, pulling yourself closer to the table. Elvis trails his hand along your back as he sits down beside you, a goofy smile plastered on his face.

“Y’know, It’s just a habit when I’m around a pretty lady like you.” He leans over you and puts a hand lower down your lower back. You flinch a little, not because you don’t like it, but you weren’t expecting it. He looks at you and pulls his hand back slightly as he sits down. “I’m sorry lil lady, please tell me if you don’t want me to touch you... I  don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me.”

“Thank you, Elvis, really…” You feel your cheeks flush. “I like it a lot. I jus’ wasn’t expectin’ it, is all.”

He smiles and softly places his hand back on your lower back. His touch feels natural. Like it’s supposed to be there. “You look adorable when ya blush, y’know?” He looks at you from your forehead down to your chin, and then makes eye contact with you again. “Beautiful.”

You can feel your knees touch each other from under the table. You haven’t felt this excited in a very long time. You felt as if the butterflies were going to completely burst from your stomach.

“What were you drinkin’, love?” he asks In his deep southern accent.

“Just whiskey for me, please.”

“You’ve got it.”

While Elvis leaves for the bar, you admire all the people crowding around the dance floor again. You had no idea what time it was, but you didn’t care. You didn’t want this night to end. Your foot was tapping the ground to the beat of the music, nervously waiting Elvis’s return.

He smiles at you as he sits back down at the table. He places your drink In front of you and holds his up to cheers.

“So…um-I…” You stumble after clinking glasses, slowly taking a sip of your drink. Elvis softly puts his hand on your thigh and leans his body closer to yours. You could smell him again, and it made you feel the way all the girls described Elvis making them feel, like out of control of their bodies. You didn’t want him to take his hands off of you. “You don’t have to be nervous around me, mama.”

“I’m sorry Elvis, I don’t mean to be, really! I guess I’m still shocked I think” letting out a small giggle as you take a bigger swig of your drink. “Elvis came up to me tonight, how crazy is that? I feel like someone needs to pinch me.”

You feel a small pinch on your thigh that makes you jump. You both laugh, and Elvis rubs the pinched spot with his hand. “Am I still here, mama? Do you believe me now?” his tongue wets his lips and pulls his mouth into an understanding smile.  

“Yeah, ok…I believe you now.” You felt a boost of confidence run through you. He was making you feel like you had no reason to question why he came up to you. It was fate, or something.

“The way you dance is nothin’ I’ve seen before.” He leans back in the chair and taps his finger on the table. “Ya were’, y’know, actually movin’ to the beat. Lettin’ the music tell you how to move.”

“I feel like it’s just automatic, when I hear music, I just dance. I may not be good at it, or it may look silly, but I can’t help to just move how I feel:” You explain, looking contently at him.

Elvis nods in agreeance. “I never met someone that felt the same way I do. When I’m on that stage” He points to the band. “and I start singin’, there is no stoppin’ me. My mama has always told me I have a gift. Some people think it’s too much, too sexual, whatever,” he bites his bottom lip and looks down at his drink, then back at you. “It’s just who I am. I’m Elvis, and I can’t change that.”

You lean forward with your elbow on the table and put your chin in one of your hands “I agree with you completely. Some people just aren’t alrigh’ with people bein’ themselves.” you look at Elvis in the eyes.

He mimics your movement, leaning closer to you. You can feel his breath on your face. “I like the ones bein’ themselves.” Elvis chuckles softly and you see his eyes quickly flash to your lips, and then back to your eyes. His eyes were a dark shade of blue. It reminds you of an ocean. 

You snap out of the trance as he takes one of your hands in his. You hear another song starting to play.

“Why don’t we finish these drinks and have a dance, hm?”

You smile at him and nod “Let’s go, Mr.Presley.”

He smiles back at you. He picks up his drink and clinks it against yours. You both down your drinks and you have a sour look on your face from it.

“Can’t handle your liquor, cheeks?”

“What did you just call me?” You ask, laughing as you put your empty glass down on the table.

“Cheeks, y’know,” he says, tapping his finger on his right cheek. “Cause ya blush like crazy.”

Elvis calling you the nickname makes you blush harder. You laugh again and stand up from the table. “I like that one.”

Still holding his hand, you both walk onto the crowded dance floor.

Little Richard comes onto the stage again and the crowd roars.

Gonna tell Aunt Mary 'bout Uncle John,

He says he has the blues but he havin'a lotta fun

Oh baby,

Ye-e-e-eh baby,

Woo-o-o-oh baby,

Havin' me some fun tonight

Everyone on the dancefloor starts moving to the beat including you and Elvis. You are pressed up against one another due to the amount of people on the dancefloor, but you could hardly complain. Elvis was slightly taller than you, so you looked up at him while you danced and sang along to the lyrics.

Well Long, Tall Sally

She's built for speed, she got

Everything that Uncle John needs

Oh baby,

Ye-e-e-eh baby,

Woo-o-o-oh baby,

Havin' me some fun tonight.

You feel Elvis’s hips moving against yours, and his hand around your hip. Feeling him on you makes you feel hot. He then takes your hand and spins you around, making you erupt in laughter.

Well, I saw Uncle John with long tall Sally.

He saw Aunt Mary comin' and he ducked back in the alley.

Oh baby,

Ye-e-e-eh baby,

Woo-o-o-oh baby,

Havin' me some fun tonight.

Well, Long, Tall Sally

She's built for speed, she got

Everything that Uncle John needs

Oh baby,

Ye-e-e-eh baby,

Woo-o-o-oh baby,

Havin' me some fun tonight.

You now have your back facing him, and you can feel his breath on your neck.

“The way you move baby, it’s-fuck. It’s intoxicatin’. I can’t take my hands off you. I hope you don’t mind.” Elvis says in a breathy voice, he was nearly moaning in your ear. 

“Not one bit…” You felt like you were going insane. His touch made you crave more. You had never felt like this with another man. This was so different.

Well, I saw Uncle John with bald head Sally

He saw Aunt Mary comin'

And he jumped back in the alley

Oh baby

Yes baby

Wooh baby

Havin' me some fun tonight, yeah

We gonna have some fun tonight

Have some fun tonight, wooh

Have some fun tonight

Everything's all right

Have some fun

Have me some fun tonight

You spin back around to face Elvis as the song ends. You both clap and cheer with the crowd for Little Richard. You were suddenly sad that the song was over, you didn’t want to leave the dancefloor.

Elvis takes your hand to pull you off the floor. You pull him back slightly, and he looks back at you.

“What Is it, cheeks?”

“Well… I don’t want to leave; I want to dance more.” You smile. “If you’re up for it, Presley.”

Elvis smiles back brightly at you, and then wipes the sweat off of his forehead. He walks back to you and wraps his hands around your hips. “I like the way you think, mama. Count me in.”

[circus4apsycho8]

more than a hug. | the batter x reader

Fandom: OFF

Pairing: The Batter x Reader

Warnings: jealousy, cussing

It was no surprise to you that the Elsen were very cuddly creatures. Not only that, but they were very squishy, too. You absolutely loved hugging the cute little guys! Who wouldn’t? They were warm, soft, and sweet.

The first time you had hugged an Elsen was after Dedan had finished yelling at the one. You and your beloved Batter had stepped out of the barn before you found yourself rushing over to the pitiful thing. How could you not? The poor guy looked like he was about to cry.

You were quick to scoop him into your arms. “Hush now. He’s just a mean old man. You did nothing wrong.”

He accepted your hug and buried his face into the crook of your neck. You hear him sniffle a little bit. “Th-thank you…hhh…you’re too kind.”

“You’re welcome,” you mumbled, hugging him a little tighter. You heard your Puppet awkwardly shuffle around, causing a deep chuckle to emanate from your chest. A few seconds later, you set him down onto the ground. The little Elsen had a slight blush on his cheeks.

“Miss, th-thank you and your…uh…friend here for purifying the barns. Even if it didn’t get noticed by the Inspector, we appreciate it…” he teeters off when he notices Batter glaring at him. You smack the Batter’s shoulder and smile down at the Elsen.

“You’re very welcome! Take care of yourself, alright? I think it’s about time we got a move on.” Batter remains silent as you bid the Elsen goodbye.

“I will! Good luck with…whatever you’re doing!” the Elsen wishes before the Batter grabs your hand and drags you behind him.

“Thank you!” you yell, waving at him before turning back to your Puppet.

“Dude, chill. You can let me go now,” you comment. He reluctantly releases his grip on you.

“What was that about?” he demands, looking anywhere but at you.

“He was about to cry, Batter! He was scared! I couldn’t just leave him like that!” you retort, rolling your eyes.

“He would have gotten over it.”

You sigh. “Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way, Batter.”

…

The second time you were cuddly with an Elsen is when you and Batter got stuck in the shopping mall maze. Batter was getting extremely frustrated and you just wanted to get the hell out of that blue hellhole.

So, when you and Batter found a lone Elsen who had claimed to be lost, you declared it was time to take a break.

“I’m lost,” the Elsen said, “I could make a fire with the boxes...to ward off the ghosts...but...that would be too dangerous.”

You immediately began to answer, but Batter pulled you back outside for a moment.

“Don’t answer him.”

You roll your eyes, growing annoyed. He couldn’t just boss you around like that. “He’s lost, Batter. We need to help him get out of here!”

“He can find his way out by himself.”

“Batter. He’s scared. Can’t we bring him with us? It’s only temporary. I can do all the talking, too!” you push, trying to decipher how he’s feeling. Batter frowns at your words, and not for the first time, you wish you could see his eyes. “He might attract a Spectre.”

And it was then and there you knew there was something else wrong. Throughout all of your travels, Batter had strived to attract Spectres so he could Purify them. Hell, he’d even shouted out to them in the smoke mines! So why was he so worried about attracting them now? Especially since they were much weaker here, too?

“Since when are you worried about attracting Spectres?” you grill, folding your arms and narrowing your eyes.

He doesn’t answer for a moment, clearly caught off guard. Shaking your head, you look back up at him. “Look, what’s up with you, man? This isn’t like you.”

“I don’t want him to come with us,” he answers. You don’t buy it, but at the same time you know he’s not going to crack just yet.

With a sigh, you say: “I don’t think that’s all, but I know you won’t tell me. Can’t he just come with us? Who knows, he might be of help!”

He remains silent for a few more moments, then: “Fine.”

You grin before darting back into the room. The Elsen looks up at you hopefully.

“Come on, we can help you get out,” you coo, smiling.

“Wh-what about the ghosts?” he asks.

“We can protect you from them. Trust me,” you answer before offering your hand to him. He takes it gratefully before you pull him up.

“Thank you very much, ma’am,” he replies. You hear the Batter scoff quietly from behind you.

“You’re welcome,” you respond.

“Let’s go,” comes Batter’s voice as he nearly stomps out of the room. You roll your ryes. So much for taking a break.

“Ignore him. He’s always grumpy,” you inform, taking his small hand and pulling him behind you.

…

During your trek through the exasperating maze, you noticed Batter was considerably quieter and tenser. Eventually, you had decided that he would tell you about whatever was bothering whenever it suited him. He seemed to be angry too, if the way he was taking out whatever monstrosity showed itself. It was almost like he didn’t want to listen to you but did anyway. His stubbornness grew to the point where you just allowed him to do whatever he wanted with the battles, so you could comfort the Elsen.

And when, finally, you five reached the Judge, the Elsen quickly thanked you and scampered off while Batter spoke to the Judge. You waved at the unfortunate Elsen before turning back to the conversation at hand.

“Is not this publicity so effective and efficient whilst defying the basics of consumer marketing?” the Judge says once he sees you. The two of them are facing some kind of advertisement painted on the wall.

“For silkier hair: the meat fountains of Alma,” Batter reads, clearly unamused.

“Oh, you can read? Anyway, I am glad to have found you. Maybe you can help me unravel the mystery that fate has placed before me,” the Judge comments. He glances up at you and smiles before trotting over to you. You sit down cross-legged against the wall before he crawls onto your lap. Smiling, you pet his soft fur.

“It turns out that my brother has been living in this area for many years. He has a special affinity for colors of the cool kind. Unfortunately, I have so far failed to cross his path. I have tried to betake myself to the roof of the library, where he resides. However, I found the door closed. Even the long hours of intensive, repeated meowing and compulsive scratching did not do a thing.”

“Aw, I’m sorry Judge. Is there anything we can do to help?” you question, scratching him behind his ear. He mewls in response, flipping over onto his back in a silent request for tummy rubs.

“My request is as follows: if at the bend of a corridor you happen to see Valerie, give him my greetings.”

You nod. “Will do.”

“Okay,” The Batter agrees. “Puppeteer, I’m going to go speak to Zacharie for a moment. Do you mind waiting here while I do so?”

You’re mildly surprised, but you agree anyway. “Uh, no, go ahead.”

“Thank you.” He saunters away, trusty bat in hand with Alpha and Omega following him.

You blink. “That was weird.”

“Eccentric of the Batter indeed,” agrees The Judge, “what do you think is amiss?”

“He’s been acting very…out of character lately,” you muse, “I’m not entirely sure what’s going on.” Is he mad at you? Should you be doing something differently? If so, then why isn’t he just talking to you about it? “I wonder if he’s mad at me.”

“I highly doubt that. Your beloved Puppet could never be angry with you for long,” The Judge responds.

You shake your head, causing the Judge to glance up at you. “I don’t know, Judge. If I did something wrong, he just…he needs to speak up. I guess I should ask him about that, huh?”

The Judge nods. “If you truly believe so, then communication is the sole solution.”

“Alright, then,” you sigh, sifting your fingers through his soft fur.

A few minutes later, Batter reappears in the room, the Add Ons at his side. It was then you realized he didn’t buy anything because you were the one holding the credits.

“You good?” you question as the Judge reluctantly slides off of your lap.

“Yes. We should go,” he answers, although you catch a glimpse of his cheeks, which are…wait, is he blushing? You wonder what the odd merchant had said this time around.

Before you left, however, you approached the masked merchant standing idly behind the counter.

“Ah, buenos dias, dearest Puppeteer. How could I be of assistance?”

“Could I see what you have on you?” you ask. He chuckles.

“Of course, belle femme,” he replies, showing you his wares. You’d grown used to the odd nicknames he gave you.

You ended buying a few Fortune Tickets and some meat, placing all purchased items in your inventory before bidding Zacharie goodbye. Before you can move away, however, the merchant catches your hand in his. You freeze, watching as he lifts his mask ever-so-slightly before he brings the back of your hand to his lips.

“It’s always a pleasure to serve this little ragtag team of yours. Sois prudente, jolie fille.” Releasing your hand, he chuckles at your shocked expression, smirking as he glances at your stunned Puppet.

“Th-thank you,” you stutter before Batter places his hand behind your back and pushes you out of the door.

Once you’re outside, you blink a few times before you’re able to speak again. “Dude. What. The. Fuck?”

Batter shakes his head, probably both at your choice of language and recent events. “Language. I don’t know why he’s…” he sighs.

“He’s so weird. Wait…aren’t you fluent in French? What did he say?” you question.

Batter huffs. “The first nickname was ‘beautiful woman’. The second one was ‘Be safe, pretty girl’.”

Your cheeks grow even redder upon hearing the translation. “W-what? Really?”

He nods, remaining silent as the two of you continue to the park.

“Puppeteer…” he starts, voice soft.

“Yeah?” you ask, looking up at him. He avoids your gaze blatantly.

“I…” he trails off before continuing, “I think we should rest in Zone 0 before going to the park.”

You nod, the exhaustion of getting through the maze catching up with you. “Agreed.”

…

Once you two have reached the abandoned Zone, Batter hurriedly guides you past Zacharie, despite his greeting, and ushers to the upper levels.

“Which floor would you like to stay on?” he questions.

“Here’s fine,” you respond, sliding onto the floor. He hesitates before sitting next to you and dropping his bat onto the floor. You lean your head on his shoulder, causing him to tense up a bit before relaxing.

You hear him sigh again. “I’ve upset you, haven’t I?” His voice sounds uncharacteristically sullen for a man as stoic as he usually is.

“Kind of. I just wish you would talk to me. What’s going on with you, Batter? You’ve been acting weird lately.”

He heaves yet another sigh as you straighten your neck and shift. Batter looks up at you while you move. You end up straddling him with your hands on his shoulders. He stiffens at your gentle touches. From this angle, you can finally see his eyes.

You can’t tell exactly what color his eyes are, so you reach up before grasping the brim of his hat. He catches your wrist gently before you can pull it off all the way.

“Do you mind?” you whisper. “I really want to see your eyes.”

His grip on your wrist loosens before he removes it completely. “Go ahead.”

You smile at him in a silent thank-you before you remove it.

His eyes are a pretty shade of amber. They hold a kind of exhaustion that could only be obtained by fighting for something one couldn’t accomplish.

“Your eyes are beautiful,” you comment, smiling, “why didn’t you want me to see them?”

He bites his lip for a moment before looking away. “I am not entirely sure. I guess I just…don’t want you to see my…my real ones.”

“Your real ones?” you question, tilting your head slightly.

“Yes,” he confirms, placing a hand on your cheek. “I don’t want to scare you.”

“You won’t, Batter. Will you show me, please?” you ask, enjoying the feeling of his hands.

“Very well,” he says, “will you close your eyes for a moment?”

You obey quietly, pressing a hand against his. His hands are much bigger than yours as well as drier and calloused from using his bat so much.

“You may open your eyes now.”

Upon opening them, you find that his amber orbs have been replaced with four eyes. The irises are a deep shade of burgundy while the rest of the eye is a pretty crimson color.

“Whoa,” you breathe, removing your hand in order to trace the skin around his eyes. Even though it’s definitely unnatural for a human, he still looks handsome. “Those are even cooler!”

“You think so?” he questions, still unsure.

“Yes. I mean…I’ve never met anyone with red eyes before. I…I think they look even better than your other ones,” you confess, smiling shyly at him.

He studies your face for a moment before a teensy little smile lights up his face. “Thank you, Puppeteer. Thank you.”

You chuckle. “That’s what you get for having a pretty face. Now,” you lean back a little. “What’s been going on with you?”

His little blush is back, which almost makes you giggle. “Well…it has to do with what I talked to Zacharie about earlier.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I…whenever I saw you hugging the Elsen or just…being affectionate with someone else, it made me angry. I wasn’t sure what exactly why I was; after all, you were just trying to be comforting. I knew Zacharie would have an answer, and he did. He informed me that…I should tell you. I wasn’t sure how. Eventually, he told me that…I was…jealous.”

You chuckle. “If you wanted a hug you should’ve just asked,” you respond, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling yourself to him. Burying your face into the crook of his neck, you smile as you feel him return it with a relieved smile. He loosely wraps his strong arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

You note that he smells like…bubblegum? Not just any bubblegum, but the kind that’s sort of stringy? Like the baseball gum. You chuckle, inhaling his scent.

Suddenly, he slides his hands up to your neck and he gently pushes you back a little bit, rubbing the tips of his thumbs over your jawline. You move your hands to his chest, right over his heart. It steadily beat beneath your fingertips. After that, your gaze sinks down to see his lips: they’re dry and chapped, but still so, so kissable.

The Batter releases a grunt before he pulls you forward, and your lips collide. He’s gentle and slow at first, testing the waters. When the two of you break apart for a moment, you go in for another one again; this time around, it gets a little more heated.

His hands slide back down to your waist, where he pulls your torso to his. You find your hands tangled in his ivory white hair. You feel him running his hands along your curves, to the small of your back, then retreating to your waist again.

You’re pulled back by the need for air. As you gaze into his red eyes, you recollect just why you love this man. He had protected you, tried to help you when no one else would. Even when he did get a little snappy, it was because he wasn’t exactly sure what to make of both the situation and his own feelings. It was there when you were looking at him, you realized he felt the same way.

He breathes your name, brushing a hand against your cheek again. You can tell he’s at a lost for words.

“I had a feeling you wanted more than a hug.”

[elfyourmother]

a lot of downer ship talk, very long, and  i am begging you not to reblog this bc i am just talking about my own feelings on my own blog and don’t want to put bees in anybody’s bonnets

hmm but like. talking about Gisele’s conception of love and her inherent polyamorous orientation and worldview here made me think again about Thancred and why I rarely discuss or write Gisele/Thancred fic despite shipping it like burning and having a lot of feelings about it

their relationship arc was very different than with most other wols I’ve seen shipped with him, as a start. there were some heavy (albeit unintentional) parallels with Imani/Kaidan’s relationship arc in Mass Effect, what with one believing the other was dead for ages until they suddenly popped up again, and with Heavensward being their “Horizon moment”, though it wasn’t hostile so much as...many things left unspoken and hurt on Gisele’s part when Thancred inexplicably took this “I want my beloved to be happy so I will let her go” tack totally unasked and undiscussed solely bc of his intense feelings of guilt and his insecurities. and they didn’t reconcile until he damn near died in Amh Araeng all that time later on the First).

of course different isn’t bad, and I have to keep reminding myself that. lord knows fandom would be boring af if everyone wrote ships in the same way and I’m sure there’s an audience out there for this sort of thing, even if niche. but like...I really feel like myself and my wol stick out like a sore thumb in a sea of small white/light wols who are 100% monogamous with him (but for an occasional fridged Haurche before they got together). there is nothing wrong with writing that sort of thing but as a poly femme it’s just really demoralizing sometimes to consider that so many people seem to view Thancred’s promiscuity as a flaw that needs to be overcome somehow, that it was a sign of his emotional immaturity and that with proper character development and growth (and True Love from the right person) he will necessarily “settle down” into being monogamous. I see this idea expressed so frequently in fic and art and it hurts so much because it reminds me of nothing so much as the way Zev and Isabela got treated in da fandom (Zev’s actual romance in the game codified it as canon even), and it dredges up a lot of very old, very bad memories.i mean that one infamous scene at the Stones gets pointed to a lot but it’s like...the multiple gfs weren’t the problem, it was his lack of honesty about it. and it’s always contrasted with him in the latter stages of ShB, especially when it comes to the uri/than shippers. Weary Dadcred is wholly incompatible with Suave Thotcred to these people.

it’s like people think poly and/or promiscuous characters are not allowed to have any kind of depth or complexity, their romantic/sexual proclivities are treated as either something for laughs or a defect they need to work on. and I wholly, emphatically reject that not just wrt him but with Gisele also, her entire characterization and story absolutely puts the lie to that sort of thing. they do not and cannot relate to each other in that way. their conflicts were entirely down to his insecurities and a lack of communication on both their parts, not because they didn’t love each other enough because polyamory. shit, the whole reason Thancred couldn’t hate Haurchefant even though he rather irrationally wanted to at first was because of the compersion he felt seeing Gisele with him. and Gisele had been telling him to shit or get off the pot wrt Y’shtola for actual years. 

but outside of like 1 or 2 people, I really don’t know anyone else who views him that way and so I feel like I need to make myself scarce in those corners of fandom. especially since I also highkey ship him and Minfilia W. like listen I never played 1.0 and went into ARR knowing fuck all about anything and thus them being all “ugh no we don’t feel that way about each other, why would you think that???” in that one “no hetero” scene made me feel like absolute garbage considering I had OT3′d them and Gisele literally right up to that point. It felt like the game itself was shaming me, and then I saw that it was very heavily frowned upon in fandom for Important Lore Reasons and I was quite new and intensely self-conscious about having Wrong Opinions so I just made myself stop and turned it into a V with Gisele as the shared point. And ftr ShB only made the angst worse because it reminded me of it and it was all I could read it as (romantic angst) and I started hurting about it all over again, in large part because I felt like I couldn’t discuss it with anybody at all for fear of being viewed as a freak. The only thing I permitted myself to do was mention OG Minfilia having unrequited feelings for him a la Phedre and Anafiel in the Kushiel books, with her never telling him because he would never have seen her that way. (Never mind that he did end up with Alcuin; and I know some view that as very, very sketchy given the circumstances but I take no issue with how it went down bc D’Angeline social mores were very clear on Alcuin’s agency as a free & consenting adult when he made that decision. But that’s apropos of nothing here bc Min was a grown ass woman in ARR so.)

anyway tl;dr i don’t feel like i or gisele especially belong in thancred enjoyer land bc of my weird and apparently controversial views about him as a character so I tend to stick with fussing over my painfully victorian & catholic elves in public instead. i don’t even have wips that don’t see the light of day, i just straight up don’t write them lol

[shegatsby]

Fire on Ice

Summary; Tom Hiddleston is a vicious mob boss who is looking for his father’s killer, his reputation is depending on it and he won’t give up until he finds that man, and you my sweet little Y/N is the weirdest and the best thing that happened to him all his life.

Genre; Romance, smut in the future, mob, gangs, slow-burn,

Pairings; Tom Hiddleston x F!Reader

Words; 2.291K

Warnings; Catcalling. Tom saving the day.

TAG LIST IS OPEN!

A/N; Let me know what you think babes. Sorry for any typos, enjoy. I’m going with slow-burn, you must suffer with me lol 

(gif isn’t mine)

Chapter Three

After your first date with a gentleman named Tom Hiddleston you came home to see your bestie waiting for you, you told him everything and he literally got jealous. This was the first time in your life you felt like this, like a high schooler, like a fool but you didn’t complain. Now it was easy for you to wake up early in the morning and see Tom’s morning texts, or receiving flowers he keeps sending you, now every corner in your has had a colorful flower, you felt like this was a dream, too good to be true and you had this strange gut feeling. You shook your head and kept working, it was 9pm and the bar was louder than usual, there was a stupid match on TV, you didn’t care because the tips were insane tonight. Whenever there was a match you would wear a nice short skirt to show your legs and a tight blouse, using your body for extra tips never bothered you because essentially men were dumb. You had red lips and red long nails, you saved enough to get your nails done and tonight you looked like a femme fatal character, wearing make-up and heels, getting your nails done always gave you some kind of power which you couldn’t explain but you loved it.

‘’Can we get another round?!’’ a man asked and you kindly smiled, ‘’Of course.’’ You went back to get 5 beers, you felt your phone vibrate and without your boss realizing you looked at your phone, Tom was calling. You declined the call and sent him a quick text,

‘’Can’t talk. I’m working.’’

After sometime you got deaf to the catcalling and you got blind to those hungry looks men give you, you just did your job as usual, ‘’Hey mama, why don’t you come over here.’’ You rolled your eyes, ‘’Anything you would like to order?’’ you looked at the young man, his green eyes roamed on your body, you didn’t care. ‘’My boy here,’’ he pointed to his left, his friend was sitting there, ‘’he wants to know if you’re single.’’

‘’Do you want to order anything?’’ you asked like you didn’t hear his question, ‘’I guess you didn’t hear me sweet cheeks, are you single?!’’ he looked like he has a short temper, you gazed around to see your boss because he usually dealt with things like this but he was nowhere to be seen, your palms were getting sweaty, you hated them and their audacity. ‘’What does that have to do with-‘’ you heard your name being called from behind you and you saw two baby blue eyes approaching to the table. You noticed a silent rage building on those ocean eyes, ‘’Hello love.’’ He said when he stood right in front of you and kissed your cheek, his thin lips made your skin tingle, his hand was on your waist, holding you tightly. ‘’Heyy,’’ you looked startled because after texting him that you were working you didn’t accept him to show up at the bar. ‘’Is there a problem here?’’ he looked at the two men who made you uncomfortable, Tom’s tall and menacing frame made them stutter, ‘’Didn’t think so.’’ And he guided you away from that table. ‘’Are you alright?’’ he held your shoulders gently and ran his hands up and down, ‘’Yeah, I’m fine. What are you doing here?’’  

‘’I wanted to see you, it’s been a while.’’ Tom said looking into your eyes, you didn’t want to give in to those ocean eyes, ‘’It’s only been 5 days Tom. Actually I wanted to talk to you about something. Can you wait till my shift ends? It will take an hour, I’m not closing tonight.’’ Tom looked tense, ‘’Have I done something wrong?’’ he asked himself in his mind, he never forgot to text you good morning and good night messages, every day he sent you a new type of flowers, he called you when he could but he was a busy man and he had to manage his business from far away, he had to make phone calls etc.

‘’No problem. I’ll wait here.’’ He pointed a table with a single chair, ‘’Let me get you a beer.’’ You said and vanished quickly.

An hour felt like an eternity to Tom, he kept on thinking what he did wrong, he remembered mentioning his ‘’brilliant’’ idea to Benedict and he could still hear the way Ben laughed on the phone for minutes. ‘’You can’t do it Tom, you are not built for a fake relationship.’’ His friend said frankly, ‘’It’s for a purpose you idiot. Imagine it like a work thing.’’ Tom protested, ‘’So you’re gonna shower your work ‘’thing’’ with love and affection and fuck her and at the same time learn her connection with your dad’s killer? Stop this, text her why you can’t be with her and be done with it. Mark my words, you will regret this decision.’’

He rolled his eyes and finished his tall glass beer, he saw you coming towards him with your bag and jacket hanging on your arm, you looked stunningly beautiful and he cursed under his breath, why did you have to be this beautiful and charming and smart.

‘’The bar is still crowded, if you want we can talk in my car.’’ He suggested, ‘’Here is fine.’’ You simply replied and pulled a chair to sit right across him, it was a tight place and your knees were touching, the fabric of his pants were silk, it felt smooth, ‘’I hope this isn’t a break up Y/N.’’ Tom said with a hint of hurt in his voice, and you hated yourself for making him wait, you didn’t want to break things off. ‘’No! God no, I just wanted to tell you that you can stop sending me flowers every day. You don’t have to buy me things every single day Tom, It makes me feel weird.’’ You explained quickly, poor man waited for you for an hour and expected a break up speech, you could feel your heart shatter.

He brought his hand to his chest, exhaled the breath he was holding, ‘’Woman, you scared me.’’ You threw your head back and laughed, ‘’Shantay you stay Tom but watch your steps.’’ You said jokingly and he held your hand on the table, ‘’I shall.’’

He asked you if you were hungry and you realized that didn’t eat anything today, you had to run some errands outside and came to work, -maybe falling in love made you forget eating, you pushed that thought away, it was too early to say that- he suggested that you could go to his place and order something, you were hesitant because it was getting late but you also wanted to see the place he calls home. He saw your hesitation in you Y/E/C eyes and gave you a reassuring smile, ‘’Don’t worry I won’t bite.’’ It made you laugh.

The car ride to his house was comfortably silent, you were so tired and hungry that you just laid the side of your weary head on the cold window of his Jaguar and watched the road. He was driving to the part of the city where you’ve never been, it was nice to see the people and lights.

You didn’t know that this motherfucker lived in a penthouse, he said he rented it because he intended to go back to his home land. It was a 78 floor penthouse, he only had 3 floors.

When he saw the curious look in your eyes he wanted to give you a house tour and you gladly accepted it. The first floor had gas fire place, it was black and white, French doors were opening to a big terrace and you could see the city lights and buildings, it was like living in the clouds. The living room area had a big white L shaped couch, a big plant –kinda looks like a tree- standing at the corner, there was a steel cased barn doors which opened to the secondary seating area. As you were holding your high heels in hand and walking with big eyes, taking each and every object in he ordered some food. He showed you his office area, brown couch with black and brown pillows, a brown desk which looked neat and shiny, there were some papers which were flipped over, books shelves in each side, the view from his office was amazing, if you had this office you would only drink coffee and look outside. You noticed that the primary colors were black, white and brown in this house, maybe he didn’t like colorful things much. The hallway led you to grand dining area and stairs to the second floor and you climbed the stairs, Tom was behind you.

The second floor had the kitchen and informal dining area, the kitchen had natural black and white stoned counter tops, everything was clean like a 5 star hotel, nothing looked touched, this wasn’t a home just fancy place for him to hang out and then leave when the time comes. ‘’The bedrooms are upstairs.’’ He said but you didn’t want to overstep a boundary so you decided to settle on the informal dining area,  white L shaped couch, black and white pillows, a white marble table with 3 chairs. There was a TV close by but from where you’re sitting you could get a nice view of the city. Tom took of his jacket and put it on one of the chairs, he rolled up his sleeves, ‘’I’ve ordered Panda Express. I hope you like it.’’ You took off your jacket too, ‘’I can eat anything. I’m starving, today was so busy that I forgot to eat. Can you believe that?’’ you were venting about your life and noticed Tom’s utter shock in his pale face, ‘’What do you mean you forgot to eat?’’ he asked concerned, ‘’I do that sometimes, life you know, it’s busy.’’ You shrugged your shoulders, ‘’From now on,’’ he sat next to you on the couch, it was so soft and comfortable you could fall asleep on it in a second, ‘’I’ll make you remember to eat.’’ He was doing exercises and long runs every day so staying healthy was important to him and he wanted Y/N to be healthy too, she looked tired and he didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. He pushed a hair behind her ear when the door rang.

It was entertaining to watch you eat because unlike other women you weren’t a shy eater, you didn’t care if you had a sauce on your cheeks and due to not eating all day you were like a wolf. Tom usually went on dates with women who are from his dangerous business or models so he watched all of them order water and salad so seeing you being free and not giving a shit made him smile, you were an interesting person. You were talking about the book you were reading and he watched your eyes lit up, listened to you talking passionately about something that you enjoy and he thought that Benedict might be right, it was hard to remember his actual role in this relationship because deep down he was being drawn to you every time you meet. ‘’The book sounds interesting, don’t tell me the ending, I want to read it.’’ He said, ‘’I can lend it to you if you want.’’ You blurted out and regretted it, this man was rich enough to rent a penthouse, why would he get a used book from you?

‘’That would be great Y/N. Thank you, you are so kind.’’ Tom smiled ear to ear, you were both done with eating and to relax he poured a glass of red wine, he got a call from one of his workers so had to leave the dining room.

You stood up and fixed your clothes, you were wondering whether he was waiting for sex or not, you weren’t sure if you were ready for it, after all you only had one date with him and now you’re in his house. You could feel your finger tips getting colder, it was a nervous thing of yours, Tom went downstairs to talk and when he came back his face looked disturbed and angry. The way he walked towards you made you shiver, he was tall, tall indeed.

‘’Y/N, God I’m so sorry. One of my workers called, something important came up, I, I-‘’

He looked really sorry, ‘’You have to leave I understand.’’ You checked your watch, it was 12.45 at night, ‘’Yes, I have to leave. I’m so sorry, I’ll make this up for you.’’ You bolted to your feet, since he had to leave there was no point of you staying in his house, it would be weird. ‘’What are you doing?’’ he asked knitting his golden eye brows, ‘’I should leave too. My roommate Sam, he is probably waiting for me.’’ You lied, he wore his jacket with a quick movement, came to stand in front of you, ‘’Please stay, I’m sure it’ll only take an hour or so, if you’re tired you can go upstairs pick a bedroom and rest. It’s late and I don’t want you to go out.’’

‘’But-‘’ you wanted to protest, he held your shoulders like he did before and his hands were warm, he gave you  his sweetest smile, ‘’Please, stay. I will be back.’’ Before he left he planted a quick kiss on your forehead and left in haste, you didn’t expect him to kiss your forehead, like a husband leaving for work… he took his keys and left.

Chapter 4

Thank you for reading. :)

Tag List; @cynic-spirit​ @kadashipanda​ @loki-laufeyson965​

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

(Tone/intention indicator: non-aggressive!! Pensive and open/hopeful for discussion and/or advice. Not at all trying to be a grouch.)

I do get the joke and I get that there's plenty of evidence that he does like to take it up the ass which is rad for him if he does, you know, but it feels crappy to me, the way a lot of the fandom (NOT you—I haven't seen anything like this from you) and actually also Misha treats Dean and sometimes/by proxy Jensen with the whole calling him/them a bottom, especially when Jensen isn't part of the conversation and doesn't even know that there's anything to respond to. It just gets said about him in public, and then onus is on him to find it and respond. It's a gotcha situation though, I don't think there's even anything he could say in his own defense (if he wanted to, that is. idk, for all I know, maybe Jensen is into it too, but that's sort of my problem.. I don't how he feels about being called a girl, a bottom, an omega etc) that people wouldn't claim that, by saying he isn't a bottom, sub or femme, he actually is proving he's a "subby little girlboy," or so I saw it said. I wish we as a community could talk about the nuance and inherent homophobia and transphobia in leering about it that way, in stereotyping 'bottom/subby behavior' and categorizing that behavior as feminine etc. I'm a trans dude, a dom and a top and a lot of the things I see people saying about Dean being a bottom or, worse, about Jensen being a bottom, are just so.. emasculating to me, because a lot of that stuff is stuff I do, too. Dean is a fictional character so his feelings can't get hurt, but Jensen is a real person, you know? And there's like a million people on the internet saying they can tell he's a subby, femme bottom despite whether he's ever said anything to the contrary or not. It's.. jarring, too, since I'm also a real person and they're often pointing to traits and behaviors that I share as evidence. It makes me so dysphoric to see so many people calling him girly and needy and in heat or what have you and citing how he (over)performs masculinity. I over-perform masculinity, too, but I do it because I enjoy the presentation, not because I'm over-compensating and Actually A Girl. I'm actually pretty comfortable in my relationship with gender at this point. Sometimes I also wear dresses. I'm still a dude. It sucks that it seems like the overwhelming opinion is that loudly performing masculinity can only ever mean overcompensation, and never gender euphoria. It seems like a lot more people are more interested in forcing Dean to perform femininity—like people want to humble and humiliate him for his past/present comphet and his idea of his own masculinity—not in allowing him to participate in traditionally non-masculine things according to what he likes, or to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy. It's like, instead of him aggressively overcompensating his Manly Man-ness, everyone wants to make him aggressively, stereotypically effeminate and one dimensional in the opposite direction. What are your thoughts on it, if you don't mind sharing? Do you think there's a way to have this conversation in the fandom? Or am I missing the point?

hi! okay first of all I love your tone indicators, we should all be doing this online tbh because it absolutely sets the voice for the rest of your ask and I appreciate it so very much.

preliminarily - I am not an expert on this topic in any way, so please take my response with an entire value-size canister of salt.

I think your feelings and thoughts are absolutely valid, and I don't disagree. I personally try to steer clear of most of the real person is this and that thing unless they uh. you know. tweet it out loud at the internet (for what it's worth, I do think - any joking I may have vaguely done aside - that Misha's past two top related tweets specifically were fairly pointed at himself (yes, I know one was about Dean and Cas fanfic, but he said "I" enjoy being on top, not Cas enjoys topping Dean). I am certain he is aware of the innuendo though, and how fandom will take it so your commentary on his being a participant is certainly correct as well. Also, I firmly believe that Misha does treat humans, especially those he is close w, with the utmost respect and any joking he has done re Jensen has been in a place of Jensen being okay with it (like I don't think he would ever say anything he knows would make Jensen feel uncomfortable whether he is within earshot or across the country when it's said).

*takes off Misha apologist hat*

As for the rest, I think your points are extremely well made and it's definitely a conversation that can (and should!) be had in fandom. I do agree that this topic can and has been misconstrued (sometimes for shitposting's sake sometimes not) as it applies to irl people and situations. I personally think that Jensen is a very multidimensional and layered human (which serves him greatly as an actor, I mean he contains literal multitudes) and to classify him as either pendulum end - as you mentioned, is doing his human self a disservice. I think it's also important for all of us to remember that gender is a construct and can be so fluid, so putting any of it in a socially constructed box just defies the entire point of the conversation.

I don't know if this is making any sense (your points are a lot more well spoken and coherent than mine), but I do think what you said is so important and needs to be out there. Also, I hope you know you are so freaking valid and nothing that's said on this site or others about traits/behavioors of Jensen's that mirror your own is a firm definition for those traits/behaviors, especially if people are putting them in a category you don't necessarily agree/feel comfortable with or identify as the right 'definition' if you will. Your words - "to perform gender in ways that make him feel authentic and happy" really resonated with me, and I think they hold true for both Jensen and you. To radically be our authentic selves is the goal, and I'm so glad that based on what you said you're feeling about your own relationship with gender it seems like you are in that place!!!

Sorry this is so long of a response and probably. muddy. I hope I got the gist of what you were asking, but also thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, you expressed them really clearly and it's given me a lot to think about :) if I got anything wrong, or misunderstood a point you were making please feel free to pop by and clarify or correct me.

I hope you have an excellent day <3

[leamy-world]

Some afterthoughts on The Devil Judge (spoilers for all the drama!)

Hello everyone! I hope you’re doing well!!

I wanted to write my thoughts after the finale aired because ep. 13-14 made me a mess and were too nerve-wracking! After these two episodes, i only wanted the week to go by fast to see how the finale unfolded (but at the same time, this drama entertained me sm i didn’t want it to end haha).

Watching this drama each week and reading your reactions and thoughts made me enjoy it even more, i’m glad i came back on tumblr! It was a really nice ride (more like an emotional rollercoaster haha)! It motivated me to write my thoughts and analyses on fictions i watched in the future, especially My Mister and Beyond Evil!! I forgot how much fun it was to do that and putting my thoughts into words gave me a little closure to my watch haha

These are just some afterthoughts & personal interpretations i had and were maybe probably already discussed, but i couldn’t get them out of my head haha

See you around and take care!!!

THE CAST. It left a strong impression on me and i can’t see other actors playing their respective roles!

—   Yohan portrayed by Ji Sung … i have no words, this devil judge left me speechless! His character, to his Devilish Smile (and hollow laugh in front of CKH and his son, or Gaon), his variating voice intonations (like damn, he’s a living ASMR like Lee Sung Kyung), his held back emotions and touch-starved and even desperate touches when it came to Elijah and Gaon, to his rage and unhinged moments! 

I winced seeing him contort in pain when Sunah revealed Elijah accidentally lit the church fire, and the two times he hugged Elijah totally destroyed me. His last scene with Gaon showed how gazes & micro-expressions alone could convey unspoken words as strongly. I’m weak for these kinds of scenes, My Mister for example did it and killed me haha

For this post, i rewatched some scenes and damn, Elijah and Yohan’s support of Gaon after Soohyun’s death was really emotional …

(They had no business in making Gaon have this kind of dream, those german scissors left a ... strong impression on him haha)

—   Kim Min Jung’s depiction of Sunah’s was hauntingly beautiful, a femme fatale who kept a broken child deep inside (and at the same time surfacing on her manners and personality) and a strong businesswoman. It’s a fascinating character i loved hating as a villain but still sympathized with. The scene where she murdered the former foundation’s president sent me chills down my spine (i still have her shot of her, sitting at his bureau and manipulating his speech video)! 

The melancholy slipping through her facade when she visited the mansion the first time in a while, as well as her devastation in front of the President’s scheme, by the young girl’s bed at the hospital were memorable. The tension between her and Yohan was incredible: they both managed to keep a very disturbing but enthralling aura, tangled with nostalgia at the same time each time they met.

(Looking at her reflection is a recurring pattern for Sunah’s character, i found this shot above interesting, divided in the two ends of the mirror, as if her self can’t be found on the other side anymore)  

—   This was the first time i saw a drama with Jin Young and i really loved his playing! Never thought I’d say one day i enjoyed someone’s tears and rage on screen, but his crying scenes stuck with me, especially in the prison yard and the last episode (he deserves therapy after all he went through, really) … And his letter to Elijah … (i’m glad nobody harshly revealed the truth to her, i’m really glad!)

I loved to see how his gaze evolved through this journey with Yohan. His endearment to Soohyun, Elijah and Yohan was very precious ;; Even though Yohan was the one who was first seen feeling lonely, Gaon’s loneliness since his parents’ death slipped through his seemingly fine world, i found that interesting! (And on a lighter note, i’ll always remember the truth behind Mrs. Ji’s cooking, Gaon’s epic reaction, and the pure comedy she gets to own a healthy food shop thanks to Yohan!!) 

I also enjoyed his supportive friendship with Jinjoo!!

—   Park Gyu Young’s acting was also on point! It’s really too bad she didn’t get more screen time because i wanted to know more about Soohyun!! I felt robbed haha, because when TDJ began airing, they introduced her as one of the ‘main’ characters of this story ;; The scene when she was on CKH’s suicide scene really left a mark on me + when she was confronting Yohan, especially after she took Elijah out!

—   Elijah. Just Elijah, our best girl!!! Apparently it’s one of Jeon Chae Eun’s first roles, she did so well!! Along with Ji Sung and Jin Young, she gave a whole new definition to the Domestic Scenes, i swear. These scenes will keep a special place in my heart for a long time! Her adorable smile and cheekiness were a refresher in this show!

(They could change TDJ’s concept in a second season and make us a domestic slice of life series, i wouldn’t mind AT ALL! Take my money!!)

Seeing her complicated relationship with her uncle unfold before us deeply moved me. The complete loneliness she silently depicted moving to her bed in the wheelchair, after Gaon left the mansion was heart-wrenching. And also the scenes after Soohyun’s death, hurting with Yohan seeing Gaon’s pain (the way she spoke her worry for the two of them, Yohan couldn’t let the words out properly to Gaon).

—   CKH’s character, played by Jang Young Nam, was amazing. Her acting already shattered me when i watched Nobody Knows! Her cold gaze, her harsh tone, she was badass i have to admit! 

The narcissistic rage was well depicted in her character, and even though i get where many’s opinions on her death come from (i share it too sometimes, but i feel it more for Sunah), i found this final decision fitting to the character, especially if you look how she treated her own son (each hold felt like a grip from rage eg. in ep. 3, as she maybe felt her son was the cause of her demise).

(HUGE SPOILERS FOR BEYOND EVIL BELOW!!!!) 

She reminded me of HKH’s ending: seeing his path to success was crushed with no way out of it except death on his own accord (in his eyes, because it was his absolute life aim, every single being, to his own wife and son, and means, even bending the justice independence, were his expendable ways to pave his path), HJW’s father was set on suicide before his son barged in. 

(Funnily enough, the filming spot for CKH’s house is the same for HKH’s house haha)

—   And also … Lawyer don’t-worry-i’ll-get-you-out-on-probation Ko deserves a round of applause for the best lawyer he is hahaha

THE STORY’S DEVELOPMENTS (AND SCRIPT). I feel like this story could very well have been developed on 20+ episodes! Even if i know some scenes in a script are sometimes (bound to be) cut in the drama, TDJ’s script leaks make me feel there was SO much more to be told, and so much more to explain some plot events in the airing drama!

Because the story was ambitious, both character and plot(twists which give you whiplash)-driven (and also the filming context with the pandemic), i feel like some choices were made.

The lines of thought about justice and the drama’s attempts at its ‘true’ definition are not lost on me. It was really interesting!

On a side note (there will be many, bear with me haha), the symbolic behind the app’s name, DIKE, which i’m pretty sure (correct me if i’m wrong, i only have some very rough basics in korean haha) is the korean romanization of Nikè, or in ancient greek Νίκη, the greek divinity of Victory ( ‘ㄴ’ in korean sounds like an ’n’ but its pronounciation is more abrupt/brisker, to the point of what could be sounding to ears like a ‘d’).

Nikè is most of the time represented as an attribute to other greek divinities who also embody the victory eg. Zeus or Athena, thus seen as a bestower of victory (in any domain, be it war, games = interestingly enough, the live court is set in a colosseum-like room, arts, …)  to the humanity on behalf of these gods (Nikè sometimes stands in her palm as an attribute of Athena, like the owl or the helmet). But sometimes Nikè was also revered an independent protective divinity.

Nikè is represented as a winged divinity in a long robe, flying above the victorious, assisting the humans in their works/challenges eg. handing them a laurel crown as a sign of victory, or a helmet, etc. Its mostly known representation is the Winged Victory of Samothrace (or The Nike of Samothrace) sculpture in the Louvre. The brand Nike also used it in its logo.

It calls back to Yohan’s line: « I make sure i win before the game starts », and in fact, since the beginning, unbeknownst to everybody witnessing the trials and participating to them, the app was his way to win. It foreshadows the ending of the story, Yohan finally taking down the foundation. It also adds to his god/devil image: he assumes the role of the intermediary/abyss of the « gods » (the Justice), taking in all the hubris of the society in order to bring the justice (well, guess we could say it put some hold to the cycle of the powerful culminating to chaos?) back, in some sort of catharsis through DIKE.

It might be a stretch, but Nikè’s winged representation could be found on Gaon’s tattoo (at first to me, it looked like a phoenix/winged angel, which symbolizes a ‘reincarnation’/new beginning for Yohan finding peace, a second chance to his past and Elijah thanks to Gaon & Gaon finding a new world even if his first crumbled ie. his parents and Soohyun’s death and professor Min’s betrayal).

(The whole virus plot by the end of the story made me feel a little uncomfortable given the actual context and the conspiracy theories that are spreading, but it wasn’t used carelessly and served the commentary of the powerful and how far they would go, i think? That said, a fiction, especially a dystopia like this, stays a fiction but when they used it, it gave me a forced laugh haha)

Now, if someone gets to translate some script bits, i’m really looking forward to:

K’s backstory!!!!!

Isaac and Yohan’s past!!!!

More about Elijah!!

Where’s the cat???

What was the script saying for Gaon and Yohan’s confrontation in ep. 12? When Yohan faced the window, waking up from a nightmare after Gaon left?

ABOUT SOOHYUN’S BACKSTORY. (Now, this will get long, i’m sorry but i needed to let my thoughts out haha) The drama introduced her as one of the four main characters with Gaon, Yohan and Sunah. I had so many expectations for her character! Especially from the three scenes we got of her:

➔ In the first episode, we see her save a young girl in the street from two men, looking up at the poster « A safe Korea will be realized from now on. »: it was a great introduction to the blatant lie of the ‘safe’ dystopian world that was being created in the story. It also showed how Soohyun felt in front of this insecure world. A side note, but seeing her hug the young girl like that reminded me the hugs she gave Gaon: she wanted to protect him from this unjust world with all her might (especially the scene in the restaurant where she hugs him). ➔ Her two confrontations with Juk Chang! ➔ Her dilemma and emotional turmoil when she erases Gaon’s presence in CKH’s office.

She was portrayed in the story as Gaon’s pillar since his parents’ tragic death and his moral compass. She’s the lawful citizen, despite feeling helpless to the world’s changes, who hopes it could be saved as long as the rule of law is preserved by everyone, and this begins by respecting it themselves. 

But she was not standing around and i kind of regret this was not shown more in the story: she kept doing her best in the « system », fighting from the inside the injustice hoping the little changes could make a difference someday. Because she couldn’t take Yohan’s path, in no way: the system/the law must be respected for it to be sustained. And i’m glad they addressed this point in the drama: Yohan chose to take on the role nobody wanted or even dared to assume, knowing fully well he became a criminal the second he began his plans (just as lawyer Ko said he was no longer a lawyer once he sided with him). 

This must not be glorified, nor vilified. As he said, it was a choice he decided to make. She mirrors his choices to some extent and i would have loved to see more of their interactions or her thoughts about that! And how she worked through the system to change things, her vision of the justice. They showed us the flashback of her career choice in high school, and it could have been interesting to learn more about her! 

A backstory about her saving the youth and meeting Sunah by accident would have been very interesting (given Sunah knew all about her since the beginning and ordered to kill her). Their meeting wouldn’t have foreshadowed Sunah’s plans, quite the opposite, and it would have given more ‘substance’ to her plans. We were robbed of this relationship haha! 

And of course, seeing her side with Yohan & Gaon for a short while (because seeing her team up with them all along the way could’ve been a little ooc) would have been dope. Her arresting Juk Chang while the two of them stop the gang was the closest thing we had to their teamwork ;;

Among the drama’s main focuses (the self-pity of the powerful and the never-ending cycle of their greed, the power displays it ensues which come in many forms in the system’s game), the conception of justice was developed all along the drama. It would have been really interesting to see whether Soohyun’s conception of justice could have changed in her own way!

And professor Min’s potential manipulation of Soohyun!!! Some scenes on their interactions could have been nice to see and explain why she focused solely on Yohan, the only side of the whole story she knew! Her reporting to the professor about her investigation (and him feeling she got too close to the truth) would have made sense because, as she saw Gaon growing apart from her as he was getting closer to the Kangs (especially since she saw him interact with Elijah when they invited her to the café, like Sunah saw how Gaon fit in their family at the dinner scene), she would’ve wanted to protect him without him knowing because she knew it’d have hurt him. It could have paralleled Gaon’s reports on Yohan to the professor at the beginning of the drama. And that could have explained (aside from the whole love triangle dynamics they had) her reluctance to tell Gaon Yohan was the one who told her his whereabouts when he was in danger in ep. 13 ; this scene also was one of the only moments addressing the lack of communication in their relationship. Seeing her feeling confused over Yohan could have been interesting!

(This also got me wondering whether in the script, Yohan’s injury was ever addressed.)

Also, i’m curious about her family, if the script mentions something about them: did they know Gaon?

About the loveline between Gaon and Soohyun: while the friendship could have stayed as is (it already felt pretty genuine in my opinion and strong friendships also deserve to be portrayed in stories), i’m convinced this drama wanted to set Gaon as the center of a subtext love & morality triangle between Soohyun and Yohan (and K and Sunah on Yohan’s part). I think i would’ve appreciated Gaon and Soohyun’s loveline so much more if they developed it more! And it had to develop in the very same episode she died: apart from the confession and kiss scene (i’m curious about the scene’s description in the script), the flashback of their moments, seen from Gaon’s pov, came just right in to ‘explain’ it! 

Of course it wasn’t the main focus of the story and there was already so much happening, but their new relationship development and her death almost had no impact on me even if it was set as a turning point for Gaon (and K for Yohan, as a cement to their respective decision to fight the system and how they would do it), and it made me really really sad! Of course it was a plot device (and i now wonder what would’ve happened if she or K wasn’t dead), but if it was bound to happen, the emotional impact was lessened!

Jinjoo’s character development and her relationship with Sunah happened really really fast, and i wonder how the script describes it!

Sunah’s involvement with the juvenile care center!!!  Her scene at the hospital left me really sad.

(Also, on the love plot, Gaon and Yohan jealousy bits weren’t used later as an expression of their envy towards the other’s status/life/etc. and were actually directed to people outside ie. Sunah/K/Soohyun in the plot, which makes me think they really wanted to set it as a love triangle!)

ABOUT SUNAH’S DEATH. I feel really really conflicted on this point. Her story was a parallel to CKH (and of course Yohan, i’ll talk about it below): two women — coming from totally opposite backgrounds — climbing their way up by their own means in this power circle. And despite all their accomplishments unnoticed (because they were the ones seeing through their plans while the others were mainly seen tearing each other into pieces), they could still be ruthlessly ejected from this world any day, part of it because they were belittled as women all the same, and chose to end her life on her own accord, still having agency over it. 

As someone else pointed it out, it also acts as a « poetic » retribution for her murder of Soohyun and K. BUT her exiting the scene in some other way staying alive could have contrasted with CKH’s suicide (especially since she overthrew the president who was the only one on her side getting in her way and even killed him in the end). Especially in a show that deals about how the justice can be carried out!

Of course, Yohan and Sunah were a foil to each other in their respective fights and traumatic past: the drama showed us how having someone to reach out to and protect (Elijah, Isaac and Gaon to Yohan ; Soohyun, Yohan and Elijah to Gaon) can become a driving force. Sunah, despite thinking this could be a weakness, also longed for companionship (from Yohan mainly, but also from Jaehee), and had no one to stop her crossing the line and preserve her from herself and the world. At least someone hearing her story, staying by her side and trying to understand her. 

Each time she said ‘can you be a little nicer to me?’ to Yohan made me feel for her (and also that one call with Jaehee), it was the only cries of loneliness she silently let out!

On a totally random note, i would have loved to see her interact more with Gaon (especially by the end of ep. 15, when Yohan was arrested)!

The story gladly didn’t end Yohan’s traumatic past and growth in death, but what about Sunah? In any case, Sunah was a really good and complex character, i enjoyed her character!

What about Jaehee? How did she react to Sunah’s death???

What about CKH’s family after her death???

I would have loved to hear more about Sunah’s plans as well! Scenes where she would play with Gaon for example (in Yohan’s presence or not, like at the photoshoot)! 

(This comment above foreshadowed, along with the dinner scene in ep. 11, she used him all along!)

Her involvement behind the scenes was only exposed in ep. 15 but i wanted to know more about her (motivations aside from her focus on Yohan, what did she plan to do before finding out a look-alike to Isaac, ...)! Given the elements in the plot, i get the idea she planned this whole business with the foundation first to reach the top and wanted to bring Yohan up with her (eg. leading the foundation or becoming the president) or down without her along the way, because she wanted his companionship. Maybe the script expands on it more? Did she really believe in the Dream Home project? Because as we saw her speech in the juvenile care center and her strong reaction to the youth being harmed in these schemes, i believe she kinda wanted to protect them as the best revenge on her past, because nobody could do it for her?  

THE ENDING SCENE. The ending was pretty good and didn’t give us an all-out tragedy, so i’m really glad! I still can’t believe Gaon was ready to blow his life away once he learnt Yohan’s death AND wanted to die with him (falsely) realizing Yohan wouldn’t change his mind, dead set on his decision (no pun intended!). And Yohan’s reaction to this ............... Now, their last scene is left to the viewers’ interpretation, but it felt to me like a new beginning to Yohan and Gaon’s relationship! As it was already said by many people on tumblr, Yohan wasn’t sure if Gaon would still be by his side despite it all, and he didn’t expect Gaon to feel this way. They’ll definitely meet again, it’s a promise of more in the future (especially Yohan’s nod, on the verge of tears and Gaon’s two relieved/endeared smiles, full of forgiveness). Gaon will join his new world once he’s done or they’ll come back to him once Elijah’s recovered.

And this game of hide and seek/hunt reflected their relationship development: Yohan felt unattainable at first, but he chased after him in the maze that was his devilish game, symbolized by the crowd, chasing him motivated by his suspicion, curiosity, anger and hate, disbelief and disappointment, empathy, worry, affection, desperation and love, until he finally reached him and they understood each other among all the crowd, living metaphorically in the same time, facing each other on the same (ground) level.

(A scene in the first episode, Gaon seeing a maze of Yohan’s reflections, maybe symbolizing he could not see through his facade in the beginning, being an enigma to him at first sight ; the choice of the reflections in the mirrors through the drama is interesting and reflects the story: depending on the angles, a story can hold as many meanings as there are points of view, the complete image surfacing once everybody’s story is told)

(Just like how, in ep. 4, Yohan shows Gaon the wicked system right under their noses, Gaon’s enraged and confused gaze directed right at Yohan after they all block his view by clinking glasses ; Yohan hoped he would understand what lies beneath but Gaon understands it fully through his own past in ep. 7-8)

(The crowd is cleared from their/our view in the final scene, leaving the two of them facing each other without any obstacle/reflection on their path)

Gaon kept Yohan’s watch all the time even in moments of doubt, sorrow and rage (the best PPL in drama history so far haha), Yohan finally got to Gaon and entered his world as Soohyun did, reaching out when he needed it the most, to stop him doing something he would regret deeply. It was symbolized by the scar he got on his left hand from preventing Gaon from stabbing him (that’s also why he caresses his scar in a bittersweet way, lost in thoughts, reminding him of their last meeting).

As @i-guess-it-rains said + according to the BTS’ editing (it passed off as a joke but i can’t erase it from my brain now haha),  the way the scene where Yohan defused Gaon’s bomb was framed looked at the same time like Yohan was also carefully handling Gaon’s heart (the bomb countdown clock radiating a red glow on his chest), on the verge of exploding. Now i have The Nights lyrics in my head haha (« My heart is going back to you, i just don’t know »)

On another note, i realized that in ep. 12, after Gaon left, he’s seen trying to call Soohyun in order to reach for her since their last confrontation, but right before, his finger glides over his contact, hesitating on Yohan’s contact before choosing to call Soohyun.

While in ep. 8, he only reaches out to Soohyun after his breakdown in the prison yard (without thinking to call Yohan because he was in the core of his doubts and pain at that time and needed space to reflect on all the events):

And it parallels to Sunah attempting to reach out to Jaehee in her loneliness at the top, hesitating before deciding to call her.

Now i hope TDJ will be on Netflix! It’d be very nice to get to watch the drama in high quality and have more people to see it!

I heard it got a webtoon adaptation so i also look forward to it once it will be translated!

A SECOND SEASON? When i first saw the ending, i thought it got wrapped up nicely and didn’t « need » another season, but it also left some parts open and laid out a new background for further developments (the system repeats itself but in another form, Yohan leaves the scene with his signature smile, maybe up to something else again, saying metaphorically or irl to Gaon he’ll come back if he doesn’t do well), kinda like Stranger/Forest of Secrets s1 or The Guest ending (the corruption doesn’t end there). I also heard it got high viewing rates in SK, so maybe it will be taken into account? And well, i’ll miss the cast so i would welcome the idea haha

THE SOUNDTRACK. The whole OST was stellar (and their titles are on point really!)! Getting to hear it without voices or noise over and with my headphones on made me realize it was even more beautiful! Because I Have You, Warmth That Melts Loneliness and If Only… are the end of me (especially If Only aaaaaaa)! Don’t get me started on Enemy of Truth’s title to the OST playing for the church fire because it’s devastating ;;;

If Only’s title … It leaves us filling in the blank space, the dots to Gaon’s thoughts when he learns about Yohan’s past and how it impacts him to this day.

The 4 songs were amazing (there’s also Different from the Outside but i still didn’t get its lyrics). Tempest was definitely etched in my mind as TDJ’s main theme haha And The Nights was my favorite!  

➔ Tempest was Yohan’s iconic theme and depicted his lonely path to revenge after the tragic events in his life, and his (fated) encounter with Gaon, how deeply it will change him in this journey in ways he didn’t expect. It perfectly introduces (with Chet Faker and Flume’s Drop the game) and concludes the drama!

➔ What you gonna do was THE revenge epic song making everyone revel in the ‘bad guys’ despair and Yohan’s badass moves! 

➔ The Nights felt like it was both Yohan and Gaon’s theme and Gaon’s sorrow after Soohyun’s death: at first i thought it was only Yohan’s, but his revenge and the last episodes proved me wrong! The song’s lyrics mirrored themselves (‘my/your night shines on you/me’), as if a complete understanding between Yohan and Gaon was found on their dark road. Yohan’s night shines on Gaon: Yohan’s broken past and all his misunderstood or hidden sides, his dedication to Elijah. Yohan’s rage (almost wrath since the biblical and god symbolism are there haha) and desire to take the inique system down waked Gaon’s own rage, buried deep inside, and made him move forward too. Gaon’s night shines on Yohan: all the time he spent with the Kangs, Gaon’s deep empathy and understanding, helping him reconnect with his niece, their dinners at night, his rage exploding when the truth about his parents was revealed, his desperation on the last two episodes (in ep. 15, seeing Gaon’s realization everything was a lie and Yohan was innocent, and in ep. 16, Gaon wanting to die by his side). Gaon’s night also shined on Soohyun, who wanted to protect him with all she got each time she saw him crumbling down.

There was still light on their dark road (which looks like a callback to Nightmare’s lyrics, « Save me from myself / Save me from this darkness that has lost its light »).

➔ Nightmare felt like it was Yohan and Sunah’s theme. When it last played when Sunah’s death happened on screen, it left me speechless (and if i remember correctly, the ‘save me from myself’ bit was played right when she shot herself … o u c h)!

[bestnoncannonship]

I'm drowning in the gender sandbox guys.

I am agender. At least....I think I am. It's the closest to what I'm feeling. In that I really do not have an attachment to any gender and cannot conceive how people identify with a gender. Like....they just FEEL a gender? All the time? No matter what they look like and what they're wearing they FEEL a gender?? Whaaaa??? Sounds hella fake but okay.

And now I'm gonna talk about that and my experience for a while, in a series of ways that's probably gonna get the gender and sexuality neo-puritans to come yell at me for not being ritually pure enough in the way I talk but.....I'm talking from my own brain, baby. This is the toolkit I'm packing right now and the world I live in and I just need to spit it out. Maybe see if it resonates with people who know more than me. I don't know. Help.

I didn't question being a woman for the longest time. I grew up in a rural area culturally dominated by "Christians" (Not Catholics. I was Catholic. That comes with a whole different set of religious traumas pre-installed. I mean the ScAaRy protestent and nondenom Christians.) You didn't question anything. Not an adults orders. Not authority. Certainly not straightness. Gender was biological. I'd never heard of a trans person. There were rumors of Gays™. For most of my life it was just "Gender is the meat suit you got stuck with, right? I got stuck with this meat suit so it's my gender, I guess." And when I finally left the middle-o-nowhere for Le Citè and I met some (mostly bianary) trans people I was like "OH! OKAY!! Having strong feelings about being in the wrong meat suit can make a gender!" And the non bianaries that I met were still playing on that bianary scale. The "bit of boths" and the "different genders for different days" varieties. They has strange attachments to genders. And the whole retoric of "Questioning your gender and feeling things about you gender is the indicator that you might be trans!!" Just furthered my feeling that I must just be female by default cause like.....I didn't question anything. I didn't think about gender. I had a COMPLETE lack of feelings about gender whatsoever and that was normal, right?? Just meat suit gender. I certainly didn't have a strong feeling about wanting to be the opposite: *gag* a man?? A straight white man? Nope! I have no desire to be a bianary man and frankly I find 99 percent of men and male culture traumatic. So I must just be meat-suit gender.

And yes, I wanted to scrape my breasts and hips and thighs off with a cheese grater. But I wrote that off as a symptom of having started putting a finger down my throat after meals when I was 6 and having a family that forced hour upon hour exercise with their thighs and tummies wrapped in saran wrap and sang "I don't love her! She's too fat for me!" to a literal toddler and put that same toddler in oversized clothes to hide the healthy baby squish that toddlers HAVE. OF COURSE I wanted to die when my breasts grew in and my hips and thighs filled out. They were evil fat deposits. And they meant nothing but unwanted attention from yucky men. (Lesbianism to be discovered some 15 years later. My comphets we're almost as bad as my compgenders.) It had nothing to do with gender. Gender is just the meat suit ....and I already hated the meat suit by the time I had breast buds, they just enhanced a disgust that I thought was normal by then. Everyone kind of hates their meat suit, right?? Yes I wanted to look like men sometimes.....but they were skinny heroin chic men. I also wanted to look like kate moss. I wanted to look like a sideways door but my family is Italian and we have hips and thighs. It's just the meat suit I was assigned. Just have to learn to deal with it and dress it in the way that it looks most socially acceptable and get on with life. And my meat suit had a very gendered look, even in the deepest throws of my illness. "All woman." "The curves of a real woman." So that was just the hand I was dealt. Like having a hard to match foundation undertone. You don't gotta like it, it's just reality. Yes, I wanted to wear nothing but waistcoats and gay vampire clothes but they weren't cut for my body type so *shrug*.

Did I start to have way too much fun cosplaying and embodying male characters? Yes. But that was just identifying with characters. I'd always identified with characters. Did I still distinctly identify with the character's gender, even when I femmed the costume to avoid the hellish pain of binding? Yes. Did it make me feel weird when people referred to my Thor as a woman, even though it was technically a femme? Yes. But that was just feminism. Heroes don't need to be called girl heroes. No gender issues here!! Besides it's not weird in fandom circles to stongly identify with people across gender lines. The fact that I found the gendernope option if there was one available in the fandom and *attached* was surely just coincidental. Right??

Did I absolutely loose my mcfreaking mind when the gyno started talking about having to take my uterus away because the amount of blood it was loosing was doing irreparable harm to my body? Yes. My gender is my meat suit. When you take it away....what am I???? A *gag* man??? Nothing at all?? Am I still even human?? If I am not *gag* male and you take away the female part of the meat suit am I an aphid? A plant? A chair? But I was comforted by a chorus of voices saying "No!! You're a WOMAN. Infertility doesn't make you not a woman! You still have a woman's body!! Because you're a woman!!! Just look at you in your skirts and with your long hair!! You're a woman!!!" So.....still a woman, I guess. Because I still LOOKED like one. Gender = the PRESENTATION of the meat suit. That made sense. The structure of my meat suit made me limited to woman-presentation. So I was woman.

Then, it was the stupidest thing, I was talking to the other half of my life on the 4/5 train on the way to a friend's house about HER issues with gender presentation and the amount of attention to detail it takes to be socially acceptable as female and she said "You just know you're a girl. Like if they just picked you up and put you in a robot body you'd be a girl?" And I was like "......no? I'd be a robot?????" "But you'd still feel like a girl???" "No.....I'd feel like a ROBOT." "BUT you'd still like hear she/her and identify with those???" "No. I'd probably identify more with It/it's because that's what I'd be. A ROBOT!" And she's like "But what if your brain got transplanted into a boy body???" "Then I'd be a boy." "But what would you feel like?" "A BOY?" "Okay but what if you had a very neutral body with like no genitals? What would you feel like then??" "I mean....then it would depend on how I'm dressed. I'd feel like what I was dressed like." And we went around like this till she surmised that my entire relationship to gender was basically "You are what you look like." Which is apparently NOT how people relate to their own gender. They "feel" it somehow?? (I genuinely thought "FEELING" like a gender was what made trans people.) I feel nothing. I identify with a lot of things and ZERO of them are a gender. I thought that was normal. I thought that was the default. Apparently it's not. And then if you ask me what I want to be.....I can't answer. I really don't want to be a gender. I guess I want to be able to put different genders on at my will, like outfits, for societal convenience. But I don't "identify" with any of them. Hell, I have sweaters I identify with more than any particular gender. But there aren't really systems in place for describing and portraying that.

Gender.exe was not installed.

I did a lot of research. Agender felt closest. I actually felt closest to a Good Omens meme about Aziraphale describing his gender as "No, thank you!" That's what I feel like. But all the agender folks were vibing that moment. So I joined 'em. I am aware that puts me under the trans umbrella, but I don't really identify with that word. I don't feel like there's any transition. Any changing. Can't change what was never there. Also I feel like it's for people who....CAN present as their gender. I would be seen as an invader in those spaces. Its not bad enough to justify being in those spaces. I can live with being gendered. I just don't have one.

In the society we live in one cannot present as "not a gender". Someone with MY body definitely cannot present as "not a gender". The clothes that they make in size "giant human with planet tits" are agressively gendered. And even in a binder.....they're still REALLY there. (Yes, a reduction is desirable but I don't have reduction money.....and you can't reduce the fact that I'm the bowl shaped robust extreme female hipbone they use in Forensic Anthropology textbooks.) It is what it is. My body will always be perceived the way it's perceived. And frankly a lot of what we perceive as genderless is just "skinny body in masc style with short hair and makeup". That's not really want I want. I don't want to cut off my hair. It's my one really good feature and I've worked hard to grow out these Valkyrie worthy lengths. Mens clothes are so limiting. And there are no gender: no thank you clothes. (One well meaning friend kept trying to send me "genderless" clothes......but it was all rail thin afabs in mens clothes with short hair and heavy makeup. That's not looking genderless. That's just being skinny.) Gender no thank you presentation is very tied to short hair and thin bodies. So I've accepted that I don't get to play in the gender sandbox outside of the privacy of my own mind. It's a societal flaw. But whatever.

But pronouns are starting to really bother me. Everyone is so into them and identifying with them. And like.....I don't get it. I don't get the joy. I don't think I've found the one. Like.....I'm used to she. I will always be read as she. I will always be Miss and Ma'am in stores and restraunts. So I just kind of roll with it. I don't hate it. I don't like it. It's just a thing that I have to have to exist in society. Like a social security number. I actually think I identify with my social security number more. There's no point in making myself uncomfortable with something that's just going to be a part of my life. And I don't want to be the kind of person who expects people to address me by a pronoun they can't see and aren't used to. It's too much to ask of the average citizen of a gendered society to go through that much gender theory for just me. So "she" is an inevitable part of my life. And He....well ......I don't hate it. I dont like it. It's just there. I certainly don't get called it. And I'm not capable of presenting it well enough for this to be relevant. Now they......fuck I HATE they. I hate that it's the acceptable pronoun for anyone not bianary male or female. It just rubs me the wrong way. When people refer to me as they, I feel like they're referring to me and the host of mental illnesses I carry around and you don't have permission to address those troops thank you very much. They causes a genuine squick. But it's kinda the only widely acceptable option. I kinda like "it". I VIBE with it. It feels good. Unfortunately the people in my life have a certain reluctance about calling me it as they believe that happy vibe around a traditionally dehumanizing pronoun may be a trauma symptom. They might be right so I'm tabling "it" till I find a good therapist. Also...I cannot ask strangers to call me it. I don't have the confidence it takes to explain why and I frankly don't want to be faced with the criticism and questions I would face because I am unable to make my body be perceived as Nonbinary. I don't have the confidence or conviction to face that every day forever. Ditto neopronouns. I also haven't found one that I vibe with at all yet.

And queer labels get harder when you pull away from gender entirely. Like ... I am a Lesbian. I am solely attracted to women. But now I'm getting a lot of "You can't be a lesbian if you don't have a gender!!!" And like ...can I??? I like being a lesbian. It feels right. It conveys what I want it to convey. I like the exclusion of men entirely, after being taught to structure my life around men. I have a kinship with womanhood. It's where I was raised. It's how people see me. I just don't identify with it. It's not how I see myself. I guess that can kind of exclude me from the label? All of our terms are defined by being attracted to "your own gender" or "the opposite gender" or "both your own gender and other genders" and like ... I don't have a gender. And the opposite of nothing is....?? Fuck if I know? So what term am I allowed to use? I love queer for exactly this reason. But it just doesn't have the same clarity that lesbian does.

So I'm just kind of in a hole rn. Grappling with the fact that I really don't have a gender in a gendered world, and dealing with the fact that so much of our understanding and acceptance of gender is about presentation, a door closed to my body. I don't have the confidence or the spoons or the knowledge or the experience to fight this fight. The path of least resistance is sticking my head back into the sand and going with straightforward womanhood....but now it feels like I'm lying. I feel like an intruder in woman's spaces. And I can't go in men's spaces, they see me as....well...a woman. Lesser.

Someone out there who's better at the genders please help.

[m-y-fandoms]

Blood on Our Stage - Vampire Nagito Komaeda x Human Female Reader -Part 1 (Slight/Platonic Female Reader x Hajime Hinata)

So, this is an old fic I updated to fit these characters because I want to continue it :)

NEEDED CONTEXT FOR THIS AU: Hajime and Nagito are step brothers, (Y/N)/Reader is a human, Hajime and Nagito are vampires, and Hajime did indeed get into the Main Course at Hope’s Peak, for acting.

The paycheck… It's all about the paycheck...

   You took a deep breath, reassuring yourself for what seemed like the hundredth time that year… or that hour.

Smile, s-smile. Breathe, lean into him. It has to look real, (Y/N). God… it’s a whole new level of crackhead when you stutter to yourself in your thoughts.

 Dissociate. 

What are we having for dinner? How many more steps ‘til that damn egg hatches? If it’s another fucking Diglett I swear I’ll go apeshit. 

You shifted to your right, the most forced of grins creeping onto your cosmetic-plastered face. You let your head fall onto Hajime’s shoulder. Convincing right? Touching is convincing. Random gentle displays of affection are convincing... 

By this time, you were nearly blind from the flash of some fifty or so cameras in your face, anyway, so why not just pretend that the photographers and press were blind as well?

  Why not, why not?

 You pretended in every other aspect of your life.

"Isn't that right, (Y/N)?" Hajime’s voice shook you out of your trance, and you turned your head, letting go of his arm, which you had grabbed out of habit. His sparklingly white teeth - sharper than the average man's - gleamed down at you, and you felt that usual pang of fear run down your spine and chill your bones. Even attached to the gums of the sweetest boy on earth, you’d never get used to the sight.

It's all a show, (Y/N), a game. Pretend. "Fangs for the fans, and all that" 

How long would that farce last until people started to realize?

  What had Hajime said earlier that month? You retreated into yourself, thinking deeply, trying desperately to calm the anxiety that rose with at the sight of his flesh-tearing canines...

   _______________________________________________________________

"I can bare my fangs at interviews, photoshoots… you know, when the paparazzi are around. It’s what my dad wants,” he sighed, shaking his head. “Don't worry about it, (Y/N). Honestly, you freak out over the silliest things sometimes.” He ruffled your hair. “It will look like I'm dedicated to the role, or something like that… whatever. People will love it, trust me."

      ___________________________________________________________

But you never could. How could you? A monster with a secret, stupidly displaying that secret openly to the world? No… trusting meant removing little stones from that carefully built wall, which sub-sequentially meant getting hurt, and not just emotionally. You recited this mantra to yourself almost routinely; something you’d picked up from someone very close to your heart. Isn’t it funny how we steal little bits of personality from those we love most?

You knew Hajime just followed whatever his father commanded, that he’d do anything to feel like he mattered, that people cared. He’d done all this: the acting lessons, depending on daddy’s money, the unless studying and promoting himself, just to get into that stupid school and kickstart his illustrious career.

"Isn't that right, (Y/N)??" Hajime tenderly brought his hand up, stroking your shoulder awkwardly. The clench in his jaw, however, wasn't friendly at all. You couldn’t really blame him, though. He was doing it for your sake, after all. You had to get through this, and he knew he had to pull you through; everything depended on it.

How could this flock of idiots not tell the “chemistry” was forced???

"Uh… o-of course! Yeah!" You smiled, a fake chuckle escaping your lips, and the crowd of reporters and internet journalists roared in front of you. Of course they did… wasn't everything the disciplined and people-pleasing boy beside you said fucking hilarious? You sighed, returning your gaze to the mass of people below you as you and your leading man sat raised on a platform behind a pretentiously high table.

    Just let Hajime handle all the questions, you thought to yourself indifferently. You always did. They rarely directed them at you specifically, anyway. So much for your dream: to stun the world as an independent starlet, a crimson-hot femme fatale. It was always ‘Hinata Hajime’s doe-eyed leading lady!’, ‘Hajime’s little love interest!’, never ‘(Y/N) (L/N)... featuring Hajime Hinata!’ But... you were famous, and with no little chunk of change to boot… you should’ve been thankful… right?

So why weren’t you…?

  Your eyes scanned the faces before you, and you realized that you hadn't… really looked at them until now. Yes, the usual prolific online bloggers and huge theatre junkies were there, and Mr. Hinata of course. He wouldn't miss out on one of his company’s press meetings for the world, especially with his money-making beloved son in the spotlight. He was so anal, how could anything possibly go off without a hitch unless he was there?

You wondered if the girl next to him knew he was a ravenous monster as well, but thought better of it. Of course, she didn't know. You shouldn't have even known. But you did, and it plagued you every day of your life.

  Fuck... you just wanted to go back to your room and overthink in peace. It was embarrassingly uncomfortable to do so in public

Mr. Hinata sat sternly upright, with his polished, slick hair, in his polished, slick shoes and extravagantly tailored navy suit, his secretary at his side, brushing his hand unnoticeably between the chairs. His wife would never care, anyway. To their right sat a rosy-cheeked intern, spunky and full of character. Holding a clipboard between perfectly painted nails, the only thing that spoke louder than her bright smile was her neon miniskirt. She must not have known, either. No human simply knew, and still managed to look that innocent and lively. The PR girls loved press conferences, and each new show only yielded fresh publicity. This most recent show, set to premiere the following night, was a tale of romance: A vampire lord and his human lover: a medieval era period piece. Of course, for this reason, Hajime did nothing to hide his all-too-real fangs. 

You loved a good historical romance, and loved being in one even more. It had always been your goal as a starting actress to take the lead in at least one period play, be it Victorian, colonial, medieval.. but... it had not turned out quite the way you planned...

   A few other members of the Hinata family accompanied their revered head of  the household… or was it head of the clan… coven? Whatever, it was expected. The murderous bloodsuckers always clung to their leader’s side, and could always be found lurking around Hinata’s estate, if they weren’t already crammed up his ass looking for approval.

A flash came from the reporter to the left, directly into your vision, and left you dazed.

 Fuck… you seethed internally. Calm down. Calm down. The paycheck. That's it. This is almost over, anyway. Why did you always find yourself spacing out at the worst possible times? You acknowledged that it was how your body coped with the overwhelming urge to break down, but damn if it wasn’t inconvenient at the minute. Nothing screamed ‘I have something to hide’ like acting shady in front of a hundred people…

You leaned into Hajime again. Sell the relationship. Sell the love.

You exhaled in exhaustion. It wasn’t that you didn’t love Hajime… you did, just, not like this. Never like this. Lying to millions of fans and the press, pretending Hajime was anything other than a brother-like figure to you just to line his father’s pockets, tore you apart more than keeping his immortality a secret. Denying you both a chance at real love for fear of scandal… you were sure that there was no phrase you’d ever grow to hate more than “The Hinata Theatre Company!” Ironic, wasn’t it, that at one point in time, you begged to be here?

You found that scoping out a crowd lowered the anxiety you had about actually being in front of them. It's funny, many people asked how you could possibly be afraid of crowds or public speaking when you were a damn Broadway-level star. Your answer was always the same: your rush of adrenaline and passion for theatre got you through a show, but anywhere else but on that stage, and a crowd turned your mind to jelly. It was different… walking out for a performance tamed the butterflies that flew around inside your stomach.

  Of course, there was always the fact that your boss could tear you apart at a moment’s notice that contributed to the anxiety, but you obviously couldn't share that little bit of information with anyone. It was all so hard to process, that this kind young man beside you could be something so fearsome, that your whole life was a public sham. You’d never forget the day you’d found out… how it changed everything. You shouldn’t have to be afraid of your best friend, you just shouldn’t. But how could you ever truly trust him again?

Your eyes bounced once, twice around the room.

  ...No

   You gasped, breath catching in your throat as your eyes caught on something that caused you to jump slightly in your seat.

"You ok?" Hajime whispered, the crowd going noticeably silent for a moment. Mr. Hinata glared in your direction. A silent warning, reminding you that even one wrong move made his company look bad, and that would not end so well for you. That was the shining aspect of Hajime’s personality, that he was nothing like his father.

"Yeah, y-yeah," you spoke airily, cheeks heating. "I just slipped to the edge of my seat a little, almost fell!" You lied timidly, a small laugh.

They'll eat that shit up. Soft-spoken, innocent, clumsy girls are all the rage! Of course, Hajime picked up on the lie immediately, catching the change in tone, the skipping of your heartbeat. Being an immortal freak had its perks.

The bright-eyed boy beside you patted your arm, the crowd chuckling politely before returning to their bombardment of questions.

Your eyes flew back to the corner of the room, back to the object that had you startled in the first place. You tried to tell yourself you’d imagined it, but there was no mistake,

 It was him...

 Standing there in the entranceway, so dimly lit, he hid in the alcove. There was no mistaking his favorite jacket, the fabric ripped and weathered from use. There was no mistaking the intricate, almost root-like pale green veins which spiraled up his arms, told a story across his milky collarbone, tumbled down his wrists, and made him all the more intimidating. Intoxicating. There was no mistaking that full head of tousled hair, brightly standing out even in the meager lighting in that disregarded corner of the room, messy whisps branching out dangerously; an air of nonchalance and bored irreverence. Smug bastard…

And there was absolutely no mistaking the way those bright eyes illuminated his white skin in contrast, a frightening and ethereal glow shooting off of him in waves. Hajime’s chestnut-brown eyes never mimicked that terrifying iridescence, but then again, Hajime never took his life-sustaining drink from a human host. Your hands began to subconsciously shake. From fear or the itching desire to… you didn’t know, throw your arms around him, touch his cheek just once... ? You never knew with him. He was a wild thing, a beast untamable. But why the hell was he here?

Carelessly he leaned against the door frame. His tongue shot out predatorily, running along his lower lip in one fluid motion. His knuckles raised, brushing against the green of his coat and coming up to scratch the side of his face.

❘ What are you doing here?! ❘ You sent your thoughts out in waves so loud you might as well have been screaming. You knew immediately that he had taken them in, absorbing your mental cursing and inner toil like sun rays. It was a power and privilege only those of his kind who were purebred enjoyed.

He did not answer, but merely tilted his head, the corner of his lip rising in that maddening grin he always threw at you. An impish smirk hiding mischief and chaotic intentions, you were sure.

You knew it would be mere moments ‘til your flawless "boyfriend" beside you noticed his presence as well, and you feared what might become of this night that was supposed to be of celebration. Almost as if on cue, Hajime’s words halted to a stop. That evil smirk only widened, a small snort shaking the intruder’s chest.

"Nagito..." Hajime murmured through clenched teeth, his hand shooting down to grab your wrist. "He's here."

  "I know..." your words shook, just loud enough for any non-human in the room to hear. Now it was time for you to be Hajime’s rock. Nagito's head bobbed, looking down at his old ripped jeans, and you saw Mr. Hinata's eye twitch before you, his vampiric hearing triggered immediately upon hearing your quiet exchange with Hajime.

Mr. Hinata followed your eyes to the back of the room, his fiery glare landing on the face of his eldest and only step-son in the shadows.

Was it too late to run back into the dressing room and never come out?

You could feel the tension in the air, a line of electricity connecting the three vampires like mental twine, ready to break at any moment. It was like watching three animals square off, sizing up their threat on a National Geographic documentary. The other Hinata coven members, all also fierce bloodsuckers in their own right, merely sat forward politely, sensing Nagito's aura but knowing better than to give him the time of day. After all, alerting the press to his presence would certainly not be a wise way to stay on Mr. Hinata’s good side.

  No one outside of the family even knew about the existence of the elder brother. He was an embarrassment, a stain on Mr. Hinata’s designer tie. In the packed room, he looked so out of place, with dark, torn clothes in a sea of try-hard collared shirts and dresses. Sure, everyone who was anyone in the media world had turned up for this interview, and would also return for the opening night the next day, but everyone who was anyone never included Nagito. He made sure of that. He just had to stick out, be different, didn’t he? Even among a bunch of immortal freaks, boy… was he a freak. 

Oh no, mommy remarried some rich man then got herself killed, better act like a little ungrateful little prick. Woe is me, I have super good luck that is sometimes super bad! No one understands me!!!

He sickened you, the way he did his best to destroy what he and Hajime’s family had built, all in the name of his backwards and twisted idea of “hope.” As if he didn't live like a prince because of the Hinatas’ hard work. Don’t get it twisted, you hated Mr. Hinata and would love to see the Hinata empire burn, but this company, the desire to be recognized and worth something, was all that held dear Hajime up. It was his only dream, and he deserved it. Nagito didn’t have a right to tear Mr. Hinata down if he had to wreck Hajime to do it.

     He disgusted you, you’d decided months back, to make it all easier on yourself. Everything he’d done, the trouble he’d caused, the hurt he’d caused so many people. Routinely, you reinforced to yourself that you hated Nagito Komaeda

   ...You were disgusted by the way you… just... couldn’t hate him. It didn’t feel right. Something felt… wrong in hating him.

  Your heart lurched, meeting his eyes again.

Why not? Why not just hate him, (Y/N)? Like everyone else…

Why was it so hard? You were supposed to be with Hajime. And Hajime hated Nagito. Everyone who knew Nagito hated Nagito. But… telling yourself you were anything but infatuated with that dangerous creature… was a lie. You owed everything, good and bad, to that feral, insane man.

Your nerves and the hairs on your arms pricked up like an agitated cat. Why why why? Why would he even do this? He knew what showing up here would start. He was born to start shit, to brew altercation, to cook up conflict. Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps he finally came to an event to support his darling step-brother, but the way he bore his fangs when his eyes met Hajime’s said otherwise.

❘ Leave. Just Leave. You're just here to antagonize me and I won't let you be a problem. Not today. This is my day… ❘ Hajime spat mentally, and his thoughts burned through your own and, you're sure, Nagito’s.

❘ Aren’t all the days yours, Your Majesty? ❘ Nagito’s thoughts were more severe, yet more playful, taunting, careless, a venomous snarl behind every synapse pulse.

❘ ...Leave. ❘ Hajime pulsed back in warning.

❘ ....Or what? ❘ Nagito’s own ominous threat reverberated through your cranium. You pressed a hand to your temple, an angry, stinging sensation pulsating through your head. Having a vampire read one’s mind was uncomfortable enough: feeling the slight probing and perhaps needing an aspirin after, but being the third line in a purebred pissing match… it was a call you desperately wanted to hang up on. But.. humans didn’t naturally hear a vampire’s thoughts on accident. No, you were hearing this conversation because you were meant to, someone wanted you to. You had no powers of your own, but Nagito kept you trapped in this nonverbal battle, strung up betwixt two immortal minds. You brought the back of your free hand up to your nose, wiping away a stripe of red vitality that began to flow from both nostrils. The panging inside, the angry shouting in your mind only got louder.