#drawing to keep myself from dissociating

[m0thcl0wn]

Luffy week day four: i still have my friends

[cynicalundead]

grrgr gr grrr grr gr blowing up bitches with my mind

[hausofneptune]

aspects/placements i love (and hate) in my chart [1]

[astro notes no. 003]

hey y’all! i felt like going through some of my personal aspects/placements and describing the “positive” and “negative” ways they’ve manifested in my life, so here we are. this ended up being longer than i thought it would, so i'll end up doing a part two since i really enjoyed making this!

disclaimers | masterlist | ask

༄ venus conj. neptune in aquarius (1°03’) in the 1H

this is one of my favorite placements. i feel like this + my pisces sun can make me appear to others as “ethereal” at times, but if i’m keeping it a buck, it also makes me extremely evasive. i have a good amount of aquarius influence in my chart as well, so all of this combined definitely makes me feel like i have to put in effort to not come off as too impersonal, especially towards my loved ones. 

having neptune in my 1H also makes me feel like people perceive me to be someone that i’m not. like even my close friends and family, i don’t feel like anyone actually understands who i am, and i don’t think i’ve ever had a relationship (platonic, romantic, or familial) where i felt like i was seen for who i actually am, or where i was able to connect to somebody on a deeper, spiritual level. i can also over-romanticize people and situations at times, but i’ve grown out of this habit… for the most part.

i’ve always been an extremely creative/artistic person. i’ve been drawing, painting, writing, and singing since i was a kid, and i even sell my artwork now as an adult. i’m extremely imaginative, but i do have to be careful to not get too in my head and forget to participate in reality, if that makes sense. i’ve also had issues with dissociation and memory loss throughout my life. i feel like my lived experience has more to do with that, but i can see how the Neptunian influence in my chart could play a role in it as well.

༄ venus opposite north node in the 7H

there are some placements that convince me that the universe was tryna be funny when it made my birth chart. this is one of them. i have so many things in my chart that can make it challenging at times to form meaningful, trustful relationships with other people, and it’s interesting to me the fact that my spiritual growth is something that’s supposed to be found… through my relationships with other people. i try not to victimize myself too much and look at things from an objective lens, but i would be lying if i said it didn’t feel like people find it convenient to have me in their lives only when i allow them to view me in a way that makes them feel the most comfortable.

like i mentioned, i can be very avoidant, it’s something i’m working on. but i know that it’s possible for me to have fulfilling connections with other people, and obviously with this placement it’s something i need to work through my aversion to, seeing as my self-development and spiritual growth is something that’s extremely important to me and deep down i do want to want to experience having meaningful, healthy relationships. 

༄ sun sextile lilith in the 11H / chiron in the 11H

let me tell you, most of the people i’ve been friends with over the years, regardless of gender, hypersexualize the fuck out of me. especially the men i’ve been friends with, majority of them had feelings for me that i never reciprocated. i was actually friends with a girl in high school who’s moon fell in my 8H, and in hindsight she had a very unhinged, borderline obsession with me. she would speak to me, and get mad at me, as if we were in a relationship together, and did not understand any type of boundaries that you’re supposed to have with someone you’re friends with. i don’t hold it against her now as an adult, but we definitely don’t speak to each other anymore.

i’ve also encountered issues in regards to the relationships i've with women, mainly when i was younger though, the women i’m acquainted with now i have healthy, normal friendships with (thank god). but i’ve had friendships with girls where they secretly didn’t like me, they were secretly attracted to me, or both. and i don't mean this in a weird, misogynistic, "pick me i'm different!" type of way at all, this is just a pattern i picked up on with some of the women i've met throughout my life.

in regards to having chiron in my 11H, my sore spot is most definitely my friendships. on top of feeling misunderstood and objectified in the friendships i’ve had, i’ve also experienced trauma at the hands of people i thought were my friends. and i always do my best to exercise being mindful and self-aware, and i’m definitely not on some “i’ve always been the perfect friend and people hurt me regardless, boo-hoo, woe-is-me” type shit, because i’ve definitely hurt people in my lifetime. but in terms of how these placements have manifested, i’ve always encountered difficulty in connecting to others, and i’m just now getting to a point where i feel comfortable enough to even attempt to try making new friends again. 

and this is what i mean when i say: astrology is a tool that you can use for shit that is more important than your appearance and future partner! it wasn’t until my 12H profection year when i started studying traditional astrology and learned how to read charts, that i actually began to understand myself on a deeper level and gained the confidence to end friendships that no longer served me and made new ones that actually do. 

chiron in my 11H also makes me feel inclined to take on a “therapist” role in my friendships, something that can be good or bad depending on whether the boundaries are there or not. i tend to attract people who like to trauma dump on me (that’s my moon in the 8H influence too), and i have to actively put boundaries in place and make sure people around me understand that i have to be in the right mindset to hold space for them. there aren’t a lot of pisces sun stereotypes that i can relate to, but being an emotional sponge is definitely one that i can. unfortunately. 

༄ moon and ceres in virgo in the 8H

LMAOOO this one might be a little heavy. i apologize in advance. feel free to skip this one if you don’t want to hear about parental/maternal loss or my mommy issues <3

my relationship with my mom is without a doubt where a lot of my emotional avoidance comes from. that plus my moon being in the 8H makes me very guarded when it comes to emotional vulnerability, even with the people i’m closest to. without telling a bunch of strangers on the internet too much of my business, here are the sparknotes:

↝ my home life growing up (and to this day lowkey) never felt stable

↝ it never felt like i could feel my emotions without them “consuming” me, this was mainly an issue in my youth, i was around 12-years-old when i started going to therapy and taking antidepressants  

↝ my mom battled a chronic disease her entire life and passed away when i was a teenager 

↝ i’ve always craved to have deep, spiritual connections with people, and ever since i was a kid i’ve been extremely intuitive and had the ability to read a room and everyone in it without anyone having to speak, but i typically attract people who are either emotionally unavailable, or emotionally unstable in some way, probably because i come off as “closed off” on the surface. 

in terms of my relationship with my mom, i love her but i could never be vulnerable with her about a damn thing, like i never really felt “heard” by her. she was a taurus sun, scorpio moon, with an aries stellium, as soon as she had her mind made up about something it didn’t really matter how i felt (pluto also falls in my 10H, and i definitely viewed her as an “authority figure” more than a mother at times). y’all remember this scene from lady bird where her mom tells her she wants her to “be the best version of herself she can be” and she asks “what if this is the best version?” - it was very much so that.

and i don’t want to give the impression that my mom didn’t love me because she definitely did. i think it was just a matter of what a lot of us eventually come to understand about our parents; that they’re products of the environments and the people they were raised by. and in my mom’s case, she did her best with the cards she was dealt and showed up the best way she could. it doesn’t make my feelings any less important, but it helps to maintain the balance between recognizing her humanity, and also validating my own frustration and trauma regarding our relationship. 

༄ venus conjunct ascendant in aquarius

i didn't wanna end this post on a depressing ass note so i'm adding this last aspect lmfao. honestly i struggle with some of the venusian energy in my chart because i honestly never really felt "pretty" growing up. it might be neptune in my 1H that effects my self image, because it wasn't until my 20s that i actually started to genuinely recognize my beauty. i feel like growing up i only viewed my beauty through the lens of the "male gaze" (it didn't help that i felt objectified from the boys around me), or through the lens of euro-centric/white beauty standards, and in adulthood i'm finally approaching the way that i view myself from my perspective.

i do notice that i attract people very easily, both in a friendly and romantic way. i know this aspect has to do a lot with love and romance, but honestly, i'm not too concerned about being in a relationship at this point in my life (with the way the economy is set up i think we all got bigger fish to fry rn but that's neither here nor there-), but like i mentioned i've always been an artist at heart and the art that i create plays a really big role in my identity. i've always found it easier to express myself through my paintings or my writing rather than my words.

aesthetics and comfortability are pretty big for me too, more so now in my 20s. this aspect has a lot to do with sociability and being inclined to uplift and help others, and i can relate to the latter but when it comes to other aspects in my chart i do struggle with being "outgoing" and coming across friendly, but we'll get to that in part two.

as always, if y'all have any of the aspects/placements mentioned in this post let me know how they manifest in your life and personality, and if you have any insight or questions in general feel free to reach out!

[lovelaughsimp]

ʷʰᵃᵗ ⁱᶠ ⁱ ᶜᵃⁿ'ᵗ? ʷʰᵃᵗ ⁱᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ʷⁱˡˡ? ☕︎

Tags:

bad mental health, low confidence, mention of suicide,sweet Gojo, Gojo being supportive,crying, comfort

Pairing:

Gojo Satoru x Reader

Summary:

Your exam is drawing near and your mental health is deteriorating, Your boyfriend noticed.

You had been ignoring him, your anxiety making you feel dissociate from everything. Horror filling your heart every few minutes, sadness and agony filling you whenever you think about the the negative outcome. Satoru could notice how your behaviour had shifted, from being your lovely self to something who was getting killed inside. Just like a flower– his precious flower, you were withering away. He wasn't dumb, even though he jokes alot, he knows. The way you were lost in thoughts, the way you were always biting your nails, the way you couldn't focus on what he was saying, the way you couldn't even eat anything, the way your mood would always shift, the way you couldn't even have a good hygiene, he noticed all that.

People think he's always joking, but even then he can notice, he noticed everything. Everything about you. You tried not to show your sadness—letting it eats you away from the inside, always taking all your burdens by yourself, always comforting other's but never getting comforted. Even if his six eyes were telling him that you are okay, his soul knows otherwise. "Princess, are you alright?" Satoru murmured softly, his hand grabbing your hand, looking lovingly at you. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?" You smiled forcefully, even if your smile was wide his heart knew otherwise, he knew the twinkle in your eyes when you were genuinely laughing. He sighed, his hands drawing comforting circles on your fingers, "You know you don't have to hide your pain from me, I can see that you are hurting. So, tell me what's bothering you, my love?" He looked at you, seriously. He knew it was serious, the way you were losing your shine, the way his star was falling away. "' 'Toru it's really nothing, don't worry. It's not a big thing. Just me being moody I suppose." You laughed, looking at him trying to let him know that he need not worry, but how could he not when you are his life. "It is a big enough thing, if it's hurting you. If it's making you lose yourself, then it's a pretty serious thing. Everything that bothers you is a big thing, baby." he squeezed your hands lovingly, fingers tracing the tip of your fingers, as if urging you to tell what was bothering you— his beloved.

" 'Toru, I don't know. I j-just can't understand anything. It's making me feel so much, it's like my heart is always on fight and flight mode, I am always feeling anxious. Hell, I can't even sleep because I keep getting nightmares about it." you told him, you told him everything. Your eyes getting teary, a pained expression on your face. Satoru looked at you, his face bearing a sad expression, his heart was breaking up seeing his sun so sad. It's as if his sun is no longer shining. "Shhhh. Baby, I'm here. Tell me what's it about. I'll listen, I promise. I won't judge." His fingers reaching the underside of your eyes, touching your dark circles,"let it all out, sweetheart. It will help" his hands tracing your eye bags, his face still in sorrow."What have you done to yourself, baby. I promised to protect you, to hear you, to bear your sorrow on myself. I want to carry both your sorrows and happiness. How's that you are always comforting me, but never letting me do the same?it hurts to see you sad." His eyes gloomy, looking at you, your state, he wanted to hold you in every phase of your life. He wanted to make you feel happy.

A sob escaped your lips, looking down at your lap, your fingers fidgeting with each other, "My exam is coming but I can't focus on my studying, I can't do anything. Whenever I try to study, my heart starts beating like crazy, and when I don't study it still beats like crazy. I cannot focus on anything at all. Everything feels like a blurry vision, days are moving so fast. I have so much to learn, so much to do...and all these self doubts." Satoru was shocked, he knew your exam was coming and how much that exam mattered to you, but seeing this, that, that exam was hurting you so much, his heart felt heavy. He has never seen you so unhappy, his heart was breaking. How could his love be in so much pain and yet he didn't know? He felt guilty of not knowing before.

" hey, listen! I know you think it's too much for you, I know how much it hurts you, I know you feel like you are stuck in a cycle with no end. But trust me, you will get over it. You will." Satoru looked that you were hiding your face from him, looking downwards. "Hey, look at me sweetheart. " His fingers tucked under your chin, facing your face towards his eyes. His eyes looking like the sky, the sky you wanted to reach desperately from your pit of darkness. His gaze finding yours, as if trying to read your emotions. "Baby....my baby, why are you ruining yourself, my sweetheart. We will do this together. We will study together, should I stay with you and help you study, and it's just an exam how difficult it can be? I think you can slay the exam easily, exam should be scared of you not you baby, you are a demon slayer, you can go *slash slash* and win" Satoru tried to loosen by the environment, trying to act funny, to make you laugh.

"You do not understand Satoru, this exam means everything to me." You said bitterly, your emotions taking the best of you, making you be rude to him. He didn't mind, he knew you were mad, unhappy, stressed. His eyes teary from seeing you in so much pain. "I understand your everything, my love. I really do." He smiled, caressing your hair, his touch felt comforting, loving. For a second, you forgot about everything, eyes bursting in tears. He pulled you in a hug, his left hand caressing your back, while his right hand made way to back of your head, patting you. His hands cold, but yet you were feeling so warm. "Let it all out, baby. I'm here. Your 'toru is here. We will go to this together, your fights are not yours, but mine as well. Your pain is mine to share, mine to fight, mine to heal for. It all shall pass soon, my love. You will be alright." His words and hand comforting you, you were feeling loved. " 'Toru, I was so tensed, it felt so unbearing, it was to the point, I wanted to kill myself. The outcome scaring me, what if it doesn't work out? What if I'm not good enough? What if I am not made for this? What if I'm just a failure....what if you would leave me?" Your voice broke at the end, crying in his chest, letting all the sorrow flow in his shirt, as if your tears were reaching his heart. His eyes widened in shock,feeling a lump in his throat, his breathing hitched, you wanted to die? You wanted to end yourself? You, the person he loved the most in the world, the person he could follow everywhere, even to death wanted to kill yourself? The thought enough to make an unsettling sensation in his body, his arms visibly shaking around your body, his hug tightening, feeling nauseous at the thought of a world without you.

No, he needed to pull himself together, he needed to be strong for you. His hands pulled you back, looking into your eyes. "Look at me, baby. Please." He pleaded, his voice on the verge of shattering, he couldn't muster up any words, enough to make you feel heard. "Baby, you are going to study for it and you will succeed in it. I'll make sure of that. We will make sure of that. You are so smart, don't let your self-doubt tell you otherwise. You and I, we are literally the strongest together, you will win, baby. But even if, hypothetically speaking, even if, once in a million chance, you do not. We will try again. Okay? Cause you, my love, is so so strong, and hwo could you think, I would leave you for this reason? I could never leave you, baby. You are like a drug to me. Never even in my dreams I'll leave you. Don't you ever think about leaving me in this hell alone, baby. I promise I'll follow you everywhere, even death can't take us apart." He cupped your face, his lips kissing your tears away. His own eyes trying to hold the tears. He will do anything to make you feel happy. You will do it, he will make sure of that. He will do everything to protect you. He will do everything to make you feel loved.

Note: guys, I know alot of you are going through alot of difficult stuff in your life, even if everybody makes you feel that the thing that's bothering you is small, it is not. Your emotions are yours only and no one else can feel them. Don't you ever feel you are not loved, don't you ever belittle yourself. Even if you feel like you have noone by your side, you have God. You matter to him, your pain amd sufferings are his as well, he can feel for you, ask him and he will show you the path, that is why we have moon when darkness exist, a sign from nature that there will always be light, look for it. If you don't believe in God, then you have yourself. You shall be your own castle my love. Everything will pass and you will survive <3

[system-of-a-feather]

I honestly feel a lot of the time that it isn't "safe" or welcome to talk about how crippling my maladaptive hyper-working hyper-functioning "can't stop working" issues are in a lot of trauma / psychological disabled spaces because - either passively or directly in past experiences - people tend to really romanticize, "wish they had that issue" or told me "that sounds nice" and to some level, I have internalized that if I complain or express stress / distress around it, that I'm whining and having "first world disabled peoples issues" (which I know is not true, but it does keep me from talking about it as honestly and truthfully as I'd like to)

But honestly, today is one of those days that I really really can clearly see that even with that mentality around my struggles with this all, it really really is a disordered and pathological thing.

Like I spent an hour compulsively job searched despite knowing that I really didn't need to and probably shouldn't; then managed to - with all my effort - redirect to something more functional ie an hour and half of job searching for my fiance instead. I then spent an hour dissociating in a poor attempt to change activities and do something that isn't working; half an hour doing work videos; ate dinner, then another half hour of dissociating in a poor attempt to do something other than working; gave up on that and finally had enough brain power to go to my fiance and ask for help / supervision relaxing to keep me from Not Working and not just sitting there dissociating

And then spent three and a half hours drawing chibi versions of my characters in prep for Art Fight (which is honestly soothing even if it sounds like work) and passively watching TV.

And only THEN did I have the energy and ability to actually write a like 50 word post to the story that is a >special interest< of mine.

I essentially failed at functioning for at least four hours when I was actively trying to get myself to self care, gave up because I acknowledged my mental illness limits, and had to have four hours of supervised care to make sure I actually could take care of myself.

I only NOW felt regulated enough to go to be by myself and NOT supervised and that was a whole like 7 hour mess.

[getoutofbednelly]

so the most recent fics I’ve read on my kindle are the first two parts of the time has come today series by teen_dean (@urne-buriall on tumblr I think). and these are so good. I’ll elaborate more in my fic review but I am excited to share the cover I developed for my kindle collection because I really enjoyed going through different iterations of this cover. I’m just posting the cover I landed on for now, but I think I will share some of the other iterations which include design choices that I cut and edited at length(in another post or reblog later).

Fic review, cover design notes and a small disclaimer under the page break:)

fic review: I’m not always one to love casefics, watching cases passively on screen is one thing, but I can’t always immerse myself in a case to keep interest. I’m more one for character dynamics and the dynamics here are so interesting and introspective and funny I can’t get enough.

When it comes to the characterizations the author really nails it too. They are so close to canon that when I inevitably dissociate from atmospheric chemistry seminars and start thinking about supernatural, I can’t remember if something happened in their fic or on screen. I love these characters and teen_dean obviously does too because they treat their characterization so carefully. The cover I designed references scenery and plot points related to the case part of the fic, but I wish I could have incorporated the deep and thoughtful character analysis that is part of this fic.

And the imagery, particularly the west coast imagery, is. so. good. Very rarely am ever I struck with the desire to draw imagery described in writing, but it struck me at multiple times throughout this. most noteably the cas in the orchard paragraph highlighted in one of my pics towards the end of young hearts (will it be my first castiel fan art??? I certainly hope so.) chef’s kiss.

I really thought I would take a break after finishing young hearts, but I wasn’t ready to not know what happened to teen dean and past-cas in the next fic so I’m reading the rules of have changed today now and I have no regrets.

some notes on the cover design: I’m not sure this translates to the end result, but the glowing text of the title/author/everything-else was meant to represent the flickering lights of neon signage you might see in a dive bar. The description of Schaffer’s bar at the beginning and end of the first part is rich and another example of really capturing the feeling of canon (which I should mention is something the author does really well through scenery too). I don’t think I necessarily got the colors right (I initially imagined a larger color palette), but I’m feeling pretty good about the glowing aspect of it. In a print book format, I’d like all of the red to be metallic embossed.

Its very faint, but I included the silhouette of a mountainscape with silhouettes of dark watchers watching in the background. I think you have to zoom in to see them though. So I included a zoomed in image of two of the dark watchers. See if you can spot the other two!!

The last thing I wanted to mention is that I know arimaspians are typically one-eyed (on their heads). I took a creative liberty and put an eye on the hand.

lastly, a disclaimer: I know that teen_dean already has a cover and print typeset for their fic on their page. I just wanted to add my creative twist on it for my kindle collection and wanted to share it with you all :’). I should say explicitly that this was not designed in communication with the fic author. I do not take any credit for the fic (credit to the story goes to the author and characters to the cw). if teen_dean comes across this I especially hope they enjoy it<3, but if for any reason you (teen_dean/urne-buriall) don’t want to be associated with this cover, please contact me and I will take this down.

[alangdorf]

Welp, the ref lineup still isn’t done cause I haven’t drawn Shion yet, and the belated valentines I’ve been working on are gonna be like at least a month late cause I just planned three more, but what I did do these past couple weeks is start writing a fanfic and then immediately abandon it to go draw a bunch of only tangentially-related suzutsubas (except for that first pic; that’s a scene from it, albeit one I haven’t written yet), only half of which are fit for public posting (one of ‘em I could make a few edits and feel ok about posting sometime; it’s not that out there, it’s just, y’know. Hamal Cine Bad End Hyperbolic Torture Chamber. I’m usually very “whatever happens happens” about my art but if I don’t show some restraint I know I’ll end up stuck in there forever), but hey, since I’ve been teasing them for ages and finally have some finished stuff with them, take a couple Suzumii! Also gonna ramble abt headcanons under the cut (and it will be LONG)

To begin, a note abt my Len’en gender/pronoun headcanons: as a they/them preferrer myself, I’m thrilled that most people just stick with those for everyone, but I’ve developed some more detailed headcanons as I go through working on designs and I’ll generally be using those. Don’t worry though, most of them are still nonbinary and basically all of them are trans/gq. Relevant ones for this post are Tsubakura: they/them nonbinary (transmasc to some degree) and Suzumi: cis female, question mark?? (to be elaborated on); for clarity’s sake I usually use she/her for Arde and Hamal Cine individually and plural they for the system collectively (also I don’t usually use their nicknames, dunno why), but singular they for Benet (the wiki says Benny is probably short for Benetnasch so I’m assuming that’s their actual name) for reasons which will also be elaborated on (sort of).

Aaalso this clearly isn’t autobiographical or anything but I think I’m subconsciously putting a lot of myself into Suzumi because 1) we do look pretty similar (brown wavy bob + blue eyes) and 2) given their current status as both the main antagonist and the most well-known plural Len’en character (I get the impression that Hooaka also being plural isn’t super common knowledge; I mean it took me several read-throughs of their wiki page and their dialogue with BPoHC Secret Team to get what they were getting at lol) I am probably way too anxious about doing a bad stereotype. Just an observation and also probably partially why I’ve even ended up with so much headcanon for them in the first place

And before I get into the thick of it, notes on derivations from canon: I’m running with the assumption that Suzumi being a system is a relatively recent development tied to whatever incident it was that caused the falling-out, since Tsubakura is like the only person who seems at all familiar with Hamal (including Mitori/Chouki/Fumikado, but they’re more easily explained away as just having met with one of the other alters the few times they’ve interacted) even though she’s supposedly usually the one fronting. They don’t seem to know the mechanics of it though, judging by their confusion when Arde implied that she and Hamal are different people. So basically, I’ll be referring to pre-incident Suzumi as a different character from any of the other three. (Ngl I am very influenced by Dissociation Constant on that and just in general [when will my wife The One and Only Suzutsuba Fic return from the war…..]) I was also debating whether to have Suzumi have any history with the gang before starting to work at the lab/whether stuff would happen around high school or college age, cause they keep referring to everything happening “a long time ago” and I know I, a 24-year-old, feel like stuff that happened five years ago was like yesterday, but I do have the pandemic and not really doing much of anything for most of that time to reckon with so like, eh. College age makes more sense in my head and so does the dynamic of like, Suzumi was only introduced into the friend group (she was acquainted w Hoojiro and Yabu already though bc lab) because she was dating Tsubakura and since that ended, and badly (understatement of the century), they have extremely little reason to be civil with each other and also interacting at all is really awkward.

Ok now on with it! Either end of high school or beginning of college, Suzumi ends up interning at Tsubakura’s lab for college credit (Tsuba’s already practically a department head despite being like 17 or something because. Idk. Who even knows what’s up with them) and she’s like. Only wears t-shirts and jeans (bought a bunch of khakis for this job though), [reading] glasses from the men’s section, hates leaving her hair down (it’s lab safety anyways). Repressed queer in denial, you know the type. Starts interacting a lot with Mx. Tsubakura “wears short shorts that everybody thinks are actually a skirt and also uses ore and omae almost exclusively” Enraku who seems to have everything all figured out and is immediately starstruck (GIRL WHY?? they are such a mess). Lots of “do I want to date them or do I want to be them” confusion (this will be relevant later); eventually evolves into the “am I trans or just a lesbian” question (not that they would need to be attracted to women to be into Tsubakura but you get the picture), which never quite gets answered.

In any case, they do eventually start dating (Tsubakura thinks she’s cute and smart so they reciprocate), and they’re not like super great together cause Tsubakura is emotionally constipated at the best of times (Suzumi’s into that though) and neither of them are the most mentally/emotionally healthy people even back then and also Tsubakura is more or less Suzumi’s boss which is weird, but they’re kind of ok??? Tsubakura’s mom dies at some point, also they move in together (college housing is expensive), the rest of the crew at the very least tolerate Suzumi, etcetera.

And then…! [insert catastrophic event here]!! I don’t have a shot to call on this yet cause I have no idea what it could’ve been (and I’m sure it’ll get revealed at some point anyways); I’m just banking on it being something extremely not mundane and something where you could reasonably set the blame on either (or neither) party cause they sure both seem convinced the other is way worse, huh! In Tsubakura’s case at least, blaming Suzumi is partially a defense mechanism so their self-loathing doesn’t get the better of them over it (guess what the fic was supposed to be about, lol).

The worst part of all this business though is that they DON’T break up over it immediately and it just makes everything orders of magnitude worse for everyone involved. Tsubakura and Arde have hate sex MORE THAN ONCE………… they would both really rather forget about it. Hamal thinks it’s hilarious, ofc, but the less said about her, the better. And Benet… exists??? The only idea that I’m running off of for them atm is the observation that I think they’re the only character with flat black eyes other than Tsubakura/Tsurubami and the subsequent idle thought, “hey if someone malded so hard about a breakup that they ended up with an introject of their ex would that be messed up or what?” So make of that what you will. (Oh and it may have been obvious that this is what I was going for but Hamal is femme and Arde is butch and they’re constantly squabbling abt aesthetic presentation. Having Arde be straight-up male would’ve been too straightforward of an interpretation and I think it’s funnier this way)

The canonically mentioned murder attempts start taking place and I’m leaning towards Tsubakura eventually being convinced to move out even though it was originally their apartment, albeit mostly just because the wikipedia page for house sparrows mentions that they’re known to take over swallows’ nests, usually after they’ve been abandoned, but they will sometimes drive away or kill the current occupants, and that was a very fun fact to come across when specifically doing research for Len’en but idk how else to incorporate it lol. And so on and so forth up until the present time.

Uhhh is that all I have atm? I think so! Anyway, I think I finally shook out all my suzutsuba doodles (and rambling, though I do still have that fic to work on. idk whether I’ll be able to finish it though; I started strong with an extended metaphor in the middle but Iiiii’m not sure if I can successfully write my way up to it while making it make sense. Also I may draw pretty slow but I write even slower!! Eh I’m sure I’ll post some of it sometime) for the time being so I should theoretically be able to finish up my bigger projects now. Maybe I’ll have the valentines ready in time for white day? We’ll see!

[scarefox]

Ok, I gotta do it. Here is a list of BLs that imo are painfully underrated because they are not your classic BL. I enjoyed them way too much for them to be so underrated. It's a crime actually:

Dear Doctor, I'm Coming for Soul

Dr. Prakan is a well-known surgeon dedicated to saving people’s lives. However, while he is trying to save lives he is constantly visited by the last person he could ever want to see. Death will show up every day trying to take the souls of the people that the doctor is trying to save. They work for completely opposing sides. One must collect the souls of the dead, the other must save lives before they reach that state. Is it possible to fall in love with the one thing you try to avoid, and how can the love story between death and a Doctor last?

(TW: lots of hospital-typical dying and accidents)

The Pornographer (watch order: 1. The Novelist, 2. Mood Indigo, 3. Pornographer - Spring Life, 4. The Novelist: Playback, 5. Pornographer: Continued Spring Life)

Kuzumi Haruhiko is a university student. One day, he causes a bicycle accident. The accident causes novelist Kijima Rio to break his arm. Kuzumi doesn't have insurance or money to pay Kijima for his injury. Kijima then asks Kuzumi to transcribe a story he is writing. Kuzumi is surprised to learn the story is obscene.

Innocent (watch order: 1. Innocent Special, 2. Innocent, 3. (Not That) Innocent)

As a child, Zheng Yu Shi was involved in an accident so traumatic that it led to his development of a second identity. Going by the name of Noah, this second identity has grown up with Yu Shi. Quiet and very reserved with his emotions, Noah has spent years as Yu Shi’s vigilant protector. Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Yu Shi is used to having Noah around to take care of him. But when he meets Wu Zheng, things between Noah and Yu Shi begin to change. Aware of Yu Shi’s growing feelings for Wu Zheng, Noah takes over, using his distrust of Wu Zheng as an excuse to keep the two apart. Despite his best efforts, Noah can’t keep Yu Shi and Wu Zheng apart forever. As the relationship between Wu Zheng and Yu Shi grows, Yu Shi begins to realize that his faith in the world is slowly starting to be restored. With Wu Zheng by his side, will Yu Shi find a way to heal from the wounds he’s been carrying for so long?

(TW: child abuse, implied rape in the past)

Eien no Kinou (Eternal Yesterday)

Koichi is cheerful and popular in the class. Mitsuru is talented and not good at socializing. The two high school students are strongly attracted to each other due to their opposite personalities. However, one morning, Koichi is hit by a truck in front of Mitsuru. Koichi got up on the spot and smiled as usual, and although he was indeed "alive", his classmates gradually began to forget about Koichi's existence.

(TW: kind of major character death / undead situation)

Color Rush (S1 !! I still couldn't bring myself to watch S2 cause I love S1 too much to move on, it's one of my comfort shows and Yoo Han is a big part of that but he isn't in S2....)

Monochromatic people (known as 'Mono's) live in a world where they are not able to see colours and therefore view their surroundings through varying shades of grey, black and white. However, every Mono has a fated person (known as 'Probe's) who is able to trigger their grey-scale world into colour, inducing what is termed as a 'Colour Rush'. Yeon Woo is a Mono. He’s aware that other colours do exist but has never experienced them for himself, nor was he interested in doing so. However, Yeon Woo’s life is forever changed when he meets Yoo Han, his Probe, and experiences his first 'Colour Rush'. Terrified that he would be obsessed with Yoo Han because of Yoo Han's ability to make him see colours, Yeon Woo tries to avoid Yoo Han, but why does Yoo Han insist on drawing close to him?

(TW: depressed main, suicide attempt)

Love Tractor

Seon Yul, a temporarily relocated city man, meets Ye Chan, a rural man who adores the countryside. Seon Yul comes to the countryside to experience life knowing nothing about farming and Ye Chan appears before him. As Seon Yul learns to adapt to rural living and engage in farming activities, he becomes increasingly attracted to Ye Chan's sincerity and enthusiasm. Together, the two embark on a chaotic and romantic countryside journey of healing and love.

Nobleman Ryu's Wedding

On a warm spring day during the Joseon Dynasty, the wedding of Ryu Ho Seon and his beautiful bride, Hwa Jin, takes place. But come their wedding night, Ho Seon becomes suspicious of his beloved. And with good reason, for his bride is a man! And now Ho Seon finds himself face-to-face with the bride’s brother, Choi Ki Wan, who explains that Hwa Jin’s loathing of political marriages drove her to disappear before the ceremony even began. Needless to say, Ho Seon quickly tries to annul the marriage, but his ailing mother is opposed to such a move. The pair must now maintain their union, one that can never be revealed to a single soul! When Kim Tae Hyeong, comes to congratulate his friend Ho Seon, he falls for Ki Wan and immediately commences to court him. Now both Ki Wan and Ho Seon find themselves in a difficult position. Caught between honouring his ailing mother’s wishes and the unending flood of love letters for Ki Wan, Ho Seon is only too aware that there is little time to waste. To further complicate matters, Hwa Jin chooses to make her impromptu return at this time. The only way to soothe the pain in everyone’s hearts is to return everyone to their rightful places. But is this easier said than done?

The Miracle of Teddy Bear (bear with me this might sound nuts (haha 2 puns in a row) but this is actually a crime mystery)

Taohu is a giant white teddy bear and has been Nut's object of comfort for ten years. However, he isn’t an ordinary teddy bear, he has the ability to communicate with other objects and items in the house. One day, unbeknownst to Nut, the teddy bear was miraculously turned into a young man, however, that young man can't remember anything about himself. Taohu tried to find his own background, but everything became complicated when he found out that his background was connected to the dark secrets of his owner's family. He had to hurry because his time as a human is running out and he wanted to discover the secrets of his background so much, but he also wanted to be closer to the person he loved the most. Will Taohu be able to find the answers to his questions and reveal all the secrets he wishes to know? And would there be another miracle that may allow him to fulfill his wish?

(TW: mentally ill mother, abusive parent, death, murder attempt)

Something in My Room

Phat just moved into a new rental house with his mother. There, he meets Phob, an amnesiac ghost, and has to help Phob solve the mystery of his death within forty-nine days of Phob's death. Will they succeed?

(TW: horror elements, suicide, cancer, death of a parent)

I Will Knock You

Thi, a college student, had a part-time job as a tutor. One day, one of his students got into trouble with high-school gangsters. Thi went to protect his student and confronted the leader of the gang, Noey. After that day, Thi ran into Noey so many times, he started to learn that although Noey had a badass look, the boy was ridiculously silly. Noey just came up by himself that Thi was running after him. Thi was so done trying to explain that he had zero interest in him, but fate played funny tricks. Thi was contacted to be a tutor for a new student. That student was Noey. They learned more about each other. Noey started to change himself and made a move on Thi.

(TW: cringefail4cringefail ... lol)

My Ride

This is the story of Mork and Tawan, a motorcycle taxi driver and a medical resident in Bangkok hospital. While they might seem to come from different worlds, one day they meet by chance when Tawan hires Mork to take him across town. This first ride leads to another and another, and soon Mork finds that he can't stop thinking about the handsome doctor. Meanwhile, Tawan also feels drawn to Mork, and an unlikely friendship is born. Might it lead to more?

3 Will Be Free (polyamory m/m/f)

Neo is a stripper who is running away from the loan shark Thana and his gang, after having an affair with Thana's wife Vanika. One day, the criminals find him in the bar where he works. In attempting to escape, he ends up bumping into two people who will change his life: Shin, a gay boy, the son of Thana, who is frustrated at being rejected by a friend; and Miw, the manager of a gogo bar who is running away from her past. Accidentally, they end up killing one of the gang members who was chasing Neo, which makes them enemies of the gang. Now all three need to find a solution to escape from this situation together, while at the same time managing the physical and sentimental attraction that arises between them.

(TW: attempted rape)

Bed Friend

When it comes to work and the relationships he maintains with his coworkers, Uea Anol gets along well enough with almost everyone. But there is one very big exception and his name is King Kunakor. Good friends with his best friend Jade, King is the one man at the office that Uea simply cannot stand. A cocky Casanova with a serious reputation, King is everything Uea hates in a man. But when a company outing ends in a drunken hook-up with the one man he can’t stand, Uea begins to see King in an entirely different light.  Initially planning to move on after their one-night fling, Uea and King agree to keep seeing each other on a strictly physical basis. With no strings attached, will these two be able to keep things between them simple and carefree or will their emotions eventually get the better of them?

(TW: attempted rape, homophobia, bad coping, MDL comments are dumb af about this one so don't go there)

Utsukushii Kare (My Beautiful Man)

Seventeen-year-old Hira, who is at the bottom of the class, tries to remain invisible at school, never wanting to open his mouth and expose his stuttering speech to his classmates. He views the world through his camera lens, detached until one day, Kiyoi Sou walks through the classroom door. The impact is instantaneous. Hira finds himself pulled into Kiyoi's gravity, following him everywhere and attending to his every need. Popularity comes easily to beautiful Kiyoi, who is always surrounded by his classmates. He uses his status to get what he wants, ordering around the boy who stares at him with his big eyes and seems to worship him like a god. Hira contents himself to merely exist within Kiyoi's orbit, asking for nothing in return…

(TW: bullying, amok shooting fantasies, MDL comments are dumb af about this one so don't go there)

[colorfulmetaphors]

Maul fic rec because yes please

Hello friendos. In the last few months or so, I took a break from tumblr and in that time read through the near-entirety of the (maul centered) Maul fic on ao3. It was a blast and I wanted to make a rec list because these were amazing and I want to gush over them. my goal here is to rec something for any maul mood you may be in. there's flash (short) fic, medium length, and long-ass novel fic; some fluff, some angst, some character studies; i tired to hit each Maul Genre. And I'm categorizing them because organizing things is fun. So:

O66 fallout:

To The Wild by @d0nkarnage (43,251 words; rated M)

This one is by far my fav of the Maul and Ahsoka team up during O66 (fall) ones. Giant buff gay Ahsoka? Yes. Good. But the greatest draw of this fic is the way in which these two characters learn to understand each other. I like how hostile it begins and how the author shows Ahsoka's opinion changing over time. And of course, because my focus is going to be Maul, I loved the way the Ahsoka POV catches his acerbic demeanor and lets him just be kind of an asshole. Then that first chapter of Maul POV hits to reframe everything and youre like *dog in a burning room meme* this is fine. It balances tone really well, with growth built on small moments, parallels I didn't expect to punch me in the heart, lines of dialogue that bring every that's crashing beneath up to the surface, and just being fucking funny. Every other line has me going Oooooooo that's some good-ass writing. Love it, please read it and enjoy the image of Ahsoka and Maul arm wrestling while you try not to sob over the ways theyve learned to care for each other.

Cocaine and Abel by storm_warning (18,431 words; rated T)

On the other side of Maul and Ahsoka team up (fall), we have my favorite of the Maul and Ahsoka team up (balance), or 'Ole Palps gets defeated. Not only is this fic awesome, so is the playlist (which the author has linked in the notes) that accompanies it. My favorite part of this fic is Maul's denial, or his inability to understand/confront himself. He's working through allying with Ahsoka, seeing his master defeated, and figuring out where his place is, all while fighting through the horror of [his entire life.] It all coalesces into my favorite line: "--and then his knife is letting the blood out of the Anomid’s throat, and it runs gushing and thin in the rain, and all the wretched voices are quiet with shock." Switching the subject of the sentence in a moment of intense emotional struggle is such a clever use of language, reminiscent of Windham using the passive voice to signify Maul's dissociation, and I went back and re-read the passage like seven times. Read this one if you want to lie awake at night, haunted by birdsong.

The Heavy Center by bluestalking (41,790 words; rated G)

This one snuck up on me! Not because I didn't like it, but because it didn't sound like something I would normally be into. But I was determined to read almost everything in the tag so I tried it and I'm so glad I did. It's a post-O66 (fall) fic that centers around Padme, Ahsoka, Maul, and Obi-Wan. And It's one of those fics where I have to stop every few paragraphs or so to just repeat a sentence to myself and roll the rhythm over my teeth. The turns of phrase are exquisite. I really appreciate how reasonable Maul is in this fic. I feel like in a lot of Obimaul scenarios, he doesn't get to be the one to say hold on wait a minute let's talk. I think this one does a great job showing the shift in his motivation/reasoning and how that affects the way he approaches other people. I also like how there's so much he and Obi-Wan don't talk about. They skirt around stuff because its difficult to confront, but they find a way anyway.

Smaul:

Keep Running by @greenreticule (two parts, combined 26,094 words; rated T)

God bless Maul is rescued young fics. I think this series gets the exact balance of aw what a cute bby and oh shit that is one traumatized child how tf do I raise him. I like that the relationship between Dex and Maul isn't easy, but it is careful. I like that Dex messes up and that Maul is a rebellious fearful angry curious little guy, prone to all the folly of any young child, let alone one raised by Sidious. And I love that those behaviors appearing are signs of healing! The world-building in this one is really cool too. I found myself enjoying the locations and imagining the spaces around the characters. And HOLY SHIT the trans feelings in part two. Please heed the author's warnings carefully. I was having a great time, enjoying smaul, and then felt like I got hit by a train. It's good, but it's painful, but it's good.

Twin Suns/Kenobi on Tatooine:

the past is another planet by anonymous (329 words, rated T)

I so admire authors who can say a lot with very little. This snippet of an altered Twin Suns uses action to convey thought very well, touching on themes without ever naming them. The last line left me breathless.

Just This Once by A_Hodgepodge_of_Nothings (35,451 words, rated E)

This fic is exceedingly warm. It made me happy reading it, and I had to pace myself-- stop myself from finishing it all in one go. This is a desert hermits fic in which Maul and Obi-Wan's relationship develops very slowly and naturally, spaced over time skips that flow together really well. The Maul would be good with kids, actually, representation we need. The learning to be vulnerable around each other and learning how to rely on someone else scenes we also need. Just two tired, sad men clinging onto what little hope remains between them. And some chapters have art!

The Nature of the Beast by Carmarthen (@carmarthenfan) (1,384 words; rated G)

After I've spent 20 minutes staring at the ceiling, despondent over Maul, I turn to this fic for relief. Maul and Obi-Wan adopt a puppy. What's not to love. The author does some really interesting world-building regarding the Tusken raiders, and Maul himself is curmudgeonly to cover his affection. He's a stinker who buys things he knows his partner will like but also intentionally spooks him because he can. Peak Maul.

TPM AUs:

The Lost & The Forgotten by @shadowmaat (5,651 words; rated G)

It was really difficult to pick just one work by shadowmaat. I highly recommend checking out their entire Maul catalogue. In the end, I chose this one because I was instantly charmed by its opening. Maul shouting "Fight me!" and Obi-Wan replying like no lets have lunch made me laugh and I was ready for the What If The Naboo Duel Never Happened ride. I love Maul's characterization in this one. There are touches to his presentation that I subconsciously look for now, and this one hit all the marks: his strange brand of kindness, his maladaptive coping behaviors, and the brusqueness that covers intense care. Their use of character voice is really powerful and I enjoyed each swap in POV. Maul and Obi-Wan being mutually stranded (abandoned?) alters their dynamic from the more standard one-saving-the-other, and I enjoyed the reciprocity of their equal standing. And if this one doesn't pique your interest please check out the Tooka Cafe AU. Guess I'm not just picking one ha. Her Twin Suns AU is also very good...... FUCK. moving on.

Leaps of Faith, Acts of Kindness by @trixree (1,298 words; rated T)

My favorite type of fic are the ones where Maul and Obi-Wan just talk. This is exactly how I think a conversation post-Maul-losing-on-Naboo would go. Maul's fear and courage are on equal display-- Maul is a collection of conflicting traits and I think this fic shows that with clarity. He's stoic but expressive, terrifying yet terrified, paranoid and all too ready to trust, and all of that conveyed through an outside POV . There are so many gaps in this fic, in a good way. The characters don't have all the answers and neither does the reader, but there's enough for the characters to act and enough for the reader to understand why they act in that way. That's really damn difficult to do. The dialogue is strong and carries the narrative without requiring a lot of description, only needing some emotive action to convey what's going on in the characters' heads. 10000000/10

Staring into open flame by SLWalker (@sl-walker) (100,526 words; rated M)

To me, this is THE Maul fic. It’s an insightful dive into his character; it’s stunningly beautiful in both language and composition; the ending was so satisfying that I immediately wanted to read the entire thing again. In it, Maul is found by the Jedi after Naboo, but the fic takes place during TCW (Wild Space novel) and bounces back and forth between the present and the past as Obi-Wan and Maul work through their relationship. And by God. The parallels the author draws. The way she uses those jumps to juxtapose different scenes. Reading it the second time was even better because I knew how things connected and could further appreciate how carefully they'd been woven. This fic made me fall in love with Maul’s character all over again and that’s the highest compliment I can give. (And honestly, anything by Steff is going to be a banger. I haven’t read all her stuff but Im confident it’s all good because her mastery of craft and understanding of character are that solid. AU where Bail Organa takes Maul in? I know nothing about Bail but that one ended up being my favorite of her work. A series where the base premise is just “maul has wings?” im already in the car with a full tank of gas let’s go. "WORDS" IS REALLY GOOD. "IT" IS REALLY GOOD. and im terrified to read her Twin Suns internal monologue because *mr incredible voice* im not strong enough. uh. This one tho. Please read this one.)

There my heart lays sweetly in the velvet moor by @texasdreamer01 (12,856 words; rated E)

I'm incredibly fond of this fic. Reading it feels like nesting into the couch, fireplace going, thick blanket on, and shaking up a snow-globe to watch the sparkles settle around this little encapsulated world. It's mesmerizing, comforting. Has that oooooooo a damn good writer wrote this pizzazz. In this one, Obi-Wan didn't "kill" Maul on Naboo, and afterwards they keep running into each other as time goes on, until those coincidences become purposeful. The author is great at describing places in a way thats tangible. I can hear the scenes, feel them. You can tell a lot of thought went into the smallest details. The vocabulary in this one is also great? Precise words are used in ways you wouldn't expect within the sentence structure. It makes reading it fun and engaging, like playing tag with phrases. I really really like this version of Maul; he's a little more loose than your typical TPM-era Maul, but he has the same awkwardness and endearing happiness in doing things efficiently/well. Settle in!

Misc Imperial Era:

Mannequin Dream by anonymous (1,477 words; rated T)

Maul/Rex as a thing kinda hit me out of left field but I think I like it? Maul's characterization in Maul/Rex fics is always so !sharp and this one is no different. The description alone sold me on it, and the content (Maul and Rex having a philosophical discussion about purpose and ideology and solitude) sealed the deal.

he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist by trophygoth (2,131 words; rated M)

What initially caught my attention about this one is how Maul thinks about his past self. He feels matured, aged, changed from who he was when he was younger, and i think that that’s significant because his ability to self-reflect is initially so stunted. It's not a long fic; it’s a post-nightmare scene that captures how Maul and Obi-Wan have come to understand each other. They have gentle banter, intentional body language, and Maul's inner-monologue is knowing. It also portrays Maul well, with his tempered contemplation, rough edges, and warped thinking. "(He is still young enough that he allows himself to quantify this feeling as pain)," knocked me tf out.

TCW (ending where my love of Maul began, in true Maul fashion):

Far Above, Far Below by nobody_expects_the_inquisitorius (@nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius) (788 words; rated G)

Gen fic has a special place in my heart. Maul's venator rampage is probably my (second?) favorite TCW scene, because it's so calculating and brutal, but it also carries a sense of simultaneous hopelessness and determination to survive. Of you want a "monster?" Fine. And I feel like this internal-monologue fic does a great job of showing why Maul is feeling that way. The prose is incredibly pretty and it's so... desolate. Yet rebellious. It has the same gravitas as the scene it frames, and I think that's really impressive. It's in the verbs, evocative and visceral. I want to plant flowers around this fic, like offering respect at a sorrow-laden grave.

Until I am Whole by dimtraces (@doorsclosingslowly) (1,934 words, rated M)

Maybe I am slightly cheating on my parameters with this one, but I don't care because I love this fic so much. This one is Savage-focused, but his relationship with Maul lies at the center. (If you want something more Maul-focused with a similar tone, try Keep quite still and wait ((2,984 words, rated M)) by the same author ((yes I'm doing two in one because it's my list and no one can stop me)) listen dimtraces is where I go for Brothers) [Both have] everything: character work, beautiful writing, and that sweet sweet ~~~~~body horror~~~~~. This one is about Savage's lost arm, but that's such a simplistic way to summarize it. The imagery is visceral and the way the author follows a single thread through time/emotion is extremely well done. I want to talk about it a bunch but I also don't want to spoil it because seeing the way it unfolds is a large part of the appeal. It's spooky! It's got heart! It's gorgeous! Please read it and go-- go-- feral with me. (falls to knees in anguish)

and then the singing by @sunsetofdoom (10,007 words, rated T)

Okay. This happened to be the last fic I read as I made my way through the tag and worked off of my list of to-reads. And it's the best way to end. If you want just a straight-up character study of Maul, this is the one for you. It's haunting in a way that has stuck with me, and, I feel, will never leave because it has fundamentally altered my brain chemistry. I wept repeatedly while reading it-- it's so tender, but blunt about who Maul is. I'm struggling to put my thoughts into words, because it's not the kind of thing you talk about; it's the kind of thing you just feel. To try and give you a synopsis, then: it follows Maul's life from pre-TPM into Rebels (but is mainly focused during TCW) and has him braid his experiences with various songs (mostly old English folk), poems, and lullabies, all while the narrative hovers around a theme of clinging to individuality/person-hood, the part of him I hold most dear. It's triumphant and mournful, victory and tragedy. It's "This is why I love Maul." It's just-- achingly, beautifully, written. Achingly, perfectly, Maul. I'm going to start crying if I talk about it any more, so. Actually, too late. Pressing save as draft and coming back later. <3

Those are the recs! Thanks for taking a look and please come talk to me if you end up reading any. (or if you want even more recs, because I've got 'em) If any of the authors happen to see this, thank you! Your work has made this dive so enjoyable. You've made me laugh and cry and send impassioned raving messages to my friends. I appreciate you posting and allowing me to swim in your worlds for a while.

[sincerely-sofie]

no worries if you aren't sure/rather not answer, take as long as you need, public response over private is okay does schizophrenia come under dissociative disorders, and if not, what's the difference?

i know i have /some/ form of dissociative(-like?) thing, as many people with DID or similar have pointed it out. but i don't have the alters separate memory different people fronting thing. what i do have is myself, logic brain, emotion brain, possibly other stuff, and

the part(s) that's actually relevant here - what feels like a peanut gallery of cptsd-induced hecks reinforcing internalised stuff. why i'm asking is your description of the hallucinations sounds more like them than a lot of experiences i've read, so i'm wondering if it'd be worth me looking into (i'm already in the process of signing up for therapy, but more info for initial assessment always good)

it's definitely not identical because as far as i know i don't hallucinate images or sounds (besides that i used to hear my sibling calling my name when they weren't for some reason?), and i don't know how to identify anything distinctly let alone have mental images of any of them like your drawings, but.

i'd appreciate any insight you may have, but no obligation of course (i know you probably know that already but peanut gallery yells at me if i don't make it clear) thanks even just for reading even if not sure how to answer :)

Media portrayals of schizophrenia vs. dissociative disorders oftentimes blur the lines between them. It's very understandable to be uncertain on which you may or may not be experiencing period--- but throw in the public confusion on the differences and it's a muddy mess to understand their distinctions. ESPECIALLY Dissociative Identity Disorder, oh my goodness. You mentioned DID by name, so I'll be using it and schizophrenia as the main apples and oranges I compare. Keep in mind that there's various forms of schizophrenia and dissociative disorders, though.

(Obligatory disclaimer that I am not a medical professional and the only qualifications I have to answer this is that I'm a field researcher of sorts. Good on you for starting signing up for therapy, PLEASE keep that process going. Do not take my word for gospel. I'm one person with no degree or training. Anyone reading this and relating to the mental illnesses I'm describing here should seek out medical professionals and be particularly wary of self-diagnosis for these disorders.)

The DSM-5 (aka The Big Book of Mental Bad Vibes) classifies schizophrenia and DID under two different umbrellas: psychotic disorders vs. dissociative disorders. They're two distinct, but similar, conditions. Schizophrenia's diagnostic criteria centers on a disconnection from and altered perception of reality. DID's diagnostic criteria, meanwhile, revolves around a disconnection in identity, awareness, and memory. People with a textbook case of schizophrenia, while they likely experience delusions, do not display alters--- though there may be erratic behavior and moods in individuals that can come across to outsiders as such.

While they're very distinct, they have a number of similarities and a distinct amount of overlap between symptoms at times. I've seen statistics saying that anywhere up to 50% of schizophrenia patients meet the criteria for DID--- though I'm personally wary of that statistic, as DID's diagnosis criteria and treatment has been shifting all over the place in recent years and I'm not sure when the statistic was said. It also reeks to me of the fear-mongering a lot of classic horror movies used when lumping the two disorders into a scary boogeyman figure.

All of that context aside, I'm a very strange example of schizophrenia, and my doctor has said at times that the diagnosis was more so something I received because it checked enough boxes and less so because it was something I truly embodied. He's said that if Anxiety with Psychosis were in the books, he'd have given me that diagnosis in a heartbeat. It's not, though, so I got the shiny moniker of Early Onset Undifferentiated Schizophrenia--- which basically means "Your brain exploded while you were a teen and the aftermath sort of fits into this one psychotic disorder's box, but only sort of". My experience with schizophrenia is not typical, and knowing what I know now about my mental health background, I'd say that PTSD and C-PTSD is the strongest overlap with my experience--- just with added psychosis for extra spice. Ultimately, my hallucinations were largely manifestations of my various complexes and neuroses--- this makes them a lot more comparable to thought processes in patients with a form of post-traumatic stress than your average schizophrenia patient's hallucinations.

It's important to note that a small degree of hallucinations / psychosis is normal--- we've all thought we heard a notification from our phone when no such thing happened, and hearing someone call your name when they actually didn't is a pretty typical experience. It's not cause for immediate concern. Heck, I thought hypnagogic hallucinations were part of my diagnosis--- it turns out over half the population experience them!

TL:DR; if my description of my hallucinations resonates with you, you're more likely to have some form of trauma or anxiety disorder than straight up schizophrenia or DID. I'm a weird case, and the way my hallucinations formed was apparently very atypical. So I really would recommend looking into the anxiety disorder / trauma angles before you start gaslighting yourself into questioning your perception of reality. Check out Cognitive Behavioral Therapy strategies. The ones described in this workbook in particular ultimately did more for my recovery in the end than medication did--- and medication did a lot for my recovery. Absolutely keep seeking out therapy, because you need a medical professional to sift out whatever may be going on in your head--- ESPECIALLY if you suspect a psychotic or dissociative disorder is at play. Others with disorders might be able to identify someone with a similar condition, but they may also be only identifying symptoms which merely overlap with their own experiences. They are not professionals. Their word is valuable, but ultimately you need a doctor for this kind of thing.

[frecklenog]

ok again i’m only like 2-3 hrs into the 7h Monster Vid on who’s lila (it’s good.) but i hqve. things 2 say

content warnings: discussion of incest, csa, rape, and mental illness both in general and as a means of telling horror stories

will explicitly says that he had a decent childhood with his mom, after his dad ran off

however, it’s implied during the interrogations that will’s past is… well, Not That. not really.

sure, he loves his mom. he cares about her. but there’s also the fact that, when he was fifteen, he brought home a girl — annie — and ms. clarke proceeded to tell her things about will that will doesn’t go into detail about, but says that some parts were true, and some were not.

whether or not that was a lie is up for debate, but i think the fact that he says some of what she was saying was true is worth keeping in mind, especially as it can be implied via the context of annie being a potential romantic interest for will that the things ms clarke was saying were sexual in nature. given her being routinely described as having a strict, overbearing nature, i honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she had abused him not just psychologically, but sexually as well.

due to this being a recollection of a conversation rather that something explicitly shown, i think it’s fair to assume that this could’ve happened at any point between will’s early childhood and him being fifteen.

even if the abuse will faced never took on a sexual nature, his relationship with his mother was traumatic, and will is clearly impacted by it. it’s common to read him as autistic, with his difficulties surrounding properly expressing his emotions (ie. game mechanics regarding his expressions and general reactions), but nothing is explicitly stated, and, to me, as an autistic dissociative, i see reflections of myself in him.

i also want to reiterate a point made by flaw peacock — that being that will can, and does, emote on his own. this can be interpreted similarly to any other rpg protagonist, as it mostly happens within dialogue branches, with the player only influencing will’s expression at certain points.

further demonstrating this is the fact of the game’s difficulty setting. setting the game to “easy” disables the will’s ability to try to move his face on his own, which does its job in creating more difficult gameplay, but also lends glimpses into the individuals who originally steered the body that the player now controls.

i can’t neatly tie this in yet, but will’s presence in a horror game as a character with very clear symptoms of very real mental illness (that i can relate to) strikes me as being very reminiscent of evan kelmp from dimension 20: misfits and magic. evan is an arguably autistic character, but over the course of his life has been subjected to curses that go unexplained throughout the series, but draw direct parallels to “scarier” disorders, such as schizoaffective symptoms — and, in all honesty, may have been misdiagnosed as such.

(personally, i think it’s far more interesting to have characters like this written as both. it’s refreshing to see a character who is genuinely unwell be treated by the narrative in a way that feels good to those of us who can see ourselves in them, and be accepted and come into themselves in a world more fantastic and frightening than our own, just the same as anyone else. it’s part of why i love mismag, and definitely contributes to my own storytelling)

this is far from all of my thoughts, but it’s what i have the energy to write down rn

[big-coyote]

hi!! this may be a weird thing to ask about but ive decided to make one of my longtime ocs a coyote therian (they were connected to coyotes since the beginning) and i wanted to ask if theres stuff i should avoid when talking abt them or doing character design?

ive done some research on my own looking thru tumblr blogs ran by therians mostly, but i mightve missed some stuff!

for now they show their theriantophy as either wearing a coyote looking onesie (which is the first outfit they ever had) or when wearing other clothes they have a tail keychain on their trousers, so i also wanted to ask if you know of any other things they could have to connect with their theriotype?

again im sorry if this is a weird question! <3

(1/2) Hello! Not a weird question at all, I’m actually very honored and happy you’ve asked! I have quite a number of OCs myself that are also therians or otherkin adjacent lol. Also if anyone else has any ideas they’d like to add/advice feel free to comment or reblog!

As for things you should ovoid I’d recommend straying away from the idea of therianthropy being inherently because of mental illness. While it’s totally okay for your Oc to struggle with mental health problems or other serious topics. I often see the stigma online where people assume being nonhuman or having a alterhuman identity means the person in question must have Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, psychosis, a delusional disorder, etc. And again while I know plenty of nonhumans who have those disorders (I have some of them) and that may effect their identities as a whole, it shouldn’t be the end all be all of their identity you know? Ovoid adding more stigma to both.

Another thing I’d stray away from is the idea of a character being a therian because of spirit animals or any mythology related to closed practices/groups. I’ve seen many indigenous people online speak about their discomfort with the word ‘spirit animal’ and how it’s been adopted into pop culture. Being alterhuman is much more then “I feel connected to this thing/this thing is just like me”, it runs much deeper then that and it is as much as a real identity as something like gender, sexuality, religion, etc. It should be taken with as much care and seriousness as those other identities because it is huge and important part to a lot of our lives.

Lastly I’d recommend avoiding making the character the butt end of the jokes. While the Oc themselves can be funny, have funny things happen to them or have funny experiences as a coyote Therian I’d ovoid making them the punching bag to other OCs. Online it’s not uncommon to see many people misunderstanding and mischaracterizing being nonhuman for a quick laugh. It be very disheartening if an OCs entire existence in a story is just “haha they think they’re a dog, that’s stupid”. Again it’s important to take any identity like being a Therian seriously instead of just being the punch line for a joke or gag.

As for the clothing I think the onesie would be incredibly cute and good to wear as well as the tail! Many therians wear tails, both real and faux fur ones, to feel connected to their identity and feel more comfortable. I’ve also known many therians who were things like jewelry with their theriotype on it, fake animal ears, t-shirts, rings, fur coats, earrings, pins/buttons, etc. Some also like collecting plushies or posters with their theriotype as well, or having stickers on their books or drawing them. Or if you’d prefer a more casual character design you could have a character who doesn’t wear any outward Therian gear and prefers to keep it low key. Both options are very valid and would be interesting to see!

But no matter what I’m sure your Oc is going to be amazing and I can’t wait to see them! Please tag me if you make any art or stories about them, or if you have any other questions feel free to ask again or DM me!

[eeblouissant]

maybe you have done it before but if not/if it's sth you'd like to do (again :D) what about young versions of Blanche and Rose? I mean we see Dorothy as a young woman but not the other two. I keep thinking about how I would design them & keep realizing that I would have to research a bit of fashion history first to get them right. I absolutely think it would be an interesting challenge (& maybe I'll find the time myself at some point) ✨

here they areee !!! i hadn’t drawn them all next to each other yet so I thought I’d use this ask as an excuse to :D

I had a few Dorothy thoughts while drawing so I’m putting them here (I don’t want to lose them) (it was basically all just how Dorothy would have reacted had they met younger & attempted to be friendly, kinda sorta. They got a little off topic but you get the idea 😭)

Dorothy would be so painfully envious, for obvious reasons. To a point that it would just have been too mentally straining for her to have found their friendship at any other time in her life. In my head younger Dorothy was a very bitter person & it was a product of her situation. She was (& continues to be sometimes, although much less-so in current-canon) severely depressed & in survival mode. she dealt with dissociation, & wasn’t really all there (sometimes she prayed for it) through most of the 38 years she was married to Stan. It began as a stress response out of her control, & was triggered initially by the wedding, that she’d eventually learned to “manipulate”. So – any time she’d see women her age getting excited to discuss the idea of children with their husbands while she had a four & two year old on her hip, or go off & live their lives with nothing tying them down, other college students just out enjoying their world - where hers had been ruined before it could have even begun - she becomes cruel. It’s internal mostly, & she never makes it known. But knowing that she will never have that, that she was forced to give it up for someone that wasn’t even worth it in the end - all of it leaves her a numb kind of angry. I think she dealt with some kind of anticipatory grief, assuming no change in her future. I could write an essay on Dorothy & dissociation (& how living with Rose & Blanche finally helped her come to one morning, out of no where) but I’ll spare you for now. There’s just no other way her body & mind could have possibly reacted oh my god she needs a hug. SHE WAS SO YOUNG?!!

Anyways - basically, they would have never lasted had they met during Dorothy’s marriage to Stan, because Dorothy would have removed herself from them very quickly.

[brainwashed-parxie]

❤️ SOUL/STAR/AWSTEN THEORY POST 🪽

GREATEST HITS -

FUZZY ,

I think, since GH is from Awstens perspective, the demons in this song are actually Star and Soul.

"Me myself and I" in reference to the three of them.

"I'm really not a bad guy, Step into the good light, Say a little prayer for you, yeah

Kill another demon - You know what I mean, man

My brain just needs a little bit of cleaning."

The demons, the "little bit of hell", are obviously both Star and Soul. Manifestations within Awstens mind, his brain. Plus the obvious "prayer" connections and the focus on good/bad.

"I'll be waiting, On my ceiling, Glowing in the dark." This one is a stretch, but I think this line is about Star - with "I" being Star.

The glowing green crosses from the music video on his face, etcetera, idk. This one is dumb.

"Now I've gotta go,

I'm running and I can't stay here

I don't want another timeline

Me, myself, and I talked and we can't leave you here

I hear them getting close,"

I believe this line is about the property, leaving and escaping the property. With "me myself and I" yet again being Awsten, Soul, and Star. I think "them" is referring to the gas-mask figures we see within the property, the people enforcing it all.

I think he was afraid of Soul and Star at first, seeing them as demonic or hellish figures, before growing to be closer with them and work together.

I think that concept ties into -

SECRET LIFE OF ME ,

I think the "evil twin" line is about both Soul and Star, which I've said before.

"When I fall asleep at night, I wish my brain could sneak away, Increase my pace and hop the gate and travel to another plane."

Obviously this shares lines with Sneaking Out of Heaven, and if the property is heaven - this makes a ton of sense alongside everything else.

With Star being the one who actually has "snuck out of heaven" and escaped the property, Awsten wishing he could do the same yet being afraid he will fail, and Soul being scared to leave at all.

" First I'd find my evil twin, Then I will make best friends with it,"

Again, this entire segment is about Awsten actually growing closer (ha) and bonding with Soul and Star, trusting them and them being the reason he realizes they need to leave the property behind (with the property itself being a metaphor for heaven and religion, the shame and guilt alongside religious traumas, etcetera.)

"Wishing for a someday, I could run away like that

Now I think I need a life or maybe nine, 'Cause I feel like I'm running out of time, yea

Someday maybe on a Sunday, I can sit and sunbathe,

I could run away like that

Now I think I need a life or maybe nine, 'Cause I'm feeling like I'm running out of time."

Again, in reference to someday hoping to leave the property behind and live without it. With Sunday typically being called a religious day, it's hard not to draw this connection.

"Yeah, it might take a couple planes and parachutes for my escape, jump face-first into the sun,"

Ties into hopping the gates, escaping, etcetera.

Honestly this entire song is about dreaming to leave and escape, live peacefully in a world without the property and its restraints, with the 'secret life' itself being that daydream/wish.

With obvious ties into Stars "sneaking out of heaven" and - if Star and Soul are manifestations of Awstens own mind, I think this daydream is where Star truly stemmed from at the beginning.

"Yeah, maybe paradise is somewhere deep inside the halls or walls - Where I've spent all my time,

Building my whole life, Where I feel alright

'Cause I never wanna leave the secret life of me

The secret life of me,"

This ties into what I just said, paradise is the daydream. The secret life is Awstens daydreaming about escaping the property, but there is a sudden tone shift in the song around this point.

"Real life never feels like it's mine, So I'll dissociate until I'm fine, until I'm fine. .

I keep my eyes wide shut, Live a secret life for fun,

Away from anyone and everyone."

I think this is that fear of failure, scared of failing to escape the property - the effects of the property shining through in the first line. This could be a result of Soul being afraid to leave at all, mixing with Awstens fears of failing.

Choosing to remain lost in the property, keeping that wish as just that - a wish/dream, which is what makes Star upset, with him being from that daydream, with him having escaped before - its why he mocks the twos fears in his own song. He knows its possible to leave.

I think this creates the conflict between Soul and Star, obviously.

Which, leads me to,

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY -

ST*RFUCKER ,

Obviously the first lines reference FUZZY, with the limo/window parallels, which I think supports the idea of at least Soul being one of the demons mentioned within the song.

I think its more important to view the "hidden" or background lyrics in the song, since both Soul and Star have those lines.

"So destroy my world, I'll tape the cracks,

'Cause what you give out's what you get back.

I'll stop the world, I'll tape the cracks.

What you give out's what you get back."

I think Souls 'world' here is actually the property, since he doesn't want to leave it, he's afraid of leaving the property, he's lashing out at Star for trying to leave and escape. Lashing out at the concept of leaving what he knows, so he's reinforcing the property and attempting to keep himself, and thus Awsten, stuck/lost inside. He's undoing whatever Star is trying, he's viewing Star as the bad guy for trying to leave / leaving before.

Soul is upset over that daydream, the wish to leave, he's angry at Star for escaping once before, so he's trying to destroy that wish, and remain inside. Which could be reason for the tone shift in Secret Life, as I've stated in that section.

The conflict and fighting between Soul and Star is incredibly interesting with this view on them.

With Soul representing the fears of leaving those traumatic environments and experiences, and Star representing the want to escape and live happily and truly in a better place.

I don't have much more to say about this song specifically, and I feel like everything else I've said covers it pretty well.

I'm also skipping breaking down Sneaking Out of Heaven, since I've already covered that topic while bringing up the daydreaming and connections with Secret Life, but if anyone wants me to talk about it, just ask!

So, now let's finally get into..

SOULSUCKER ,

Oh boy, I'm excited.

"We never made it out of the loft, let alone the property, 'Cause Awsten's scared of fucking failing, and you're just scared to leave.

Jesus Christ, how sad is that?

If depression had a masterclass.

I'm the only one who can get us out, so pray to me instead and I'll save you now."

The 'We' is talking about all three of them, since Star alone has made it out before.

This is why the next few lines are mocking Soul and Awsten, Star thinks it's ridiculous to remain within the property - though it seems he's giving Awsten a lighter jab than Soul, as the conflict is mostly between Star and Soul.

I think the last lines are calling back to the speech before the live debut of SOULSUCKER, "everyone is a god once you leave the property" - Star has been out before, he can get them out. He knows how, he's done it once and can do it again. He wants to save them, and save himself as well.

"One of us will end up hurt,

But you can call me St*rfucker."

I think this is a sarcastic jab at Soul lashing out, since their names are insults towards each other and not technically real names - I think their real names are Soul and Star, not Soulsucker and Starfucker.

Also, talking about how no matter which side wins, leaving or staying in the property, one of them is going to end up suffering - if not both.

"You carry guilt, you carry shame,

I know the weight."

Star knows how damaging the property is, and he does understand the reasons they're afraid, but he also knows they need to leave. He empathizes, sympathizes even, with those feelings.

"Asleep in the dark in the back of the deep end,

I’ve been living on a 12 month weekend,

I'm the little bit of hell that leaked in.

Picking up from the floor to the ceiling."

This line obviously references a lot of other songs, notably Snow Globe, and in my opinion - Fuzzy. Again, fueling the connection concept.

Referring to himself as Hell, could be in relation to the property viewing them as a manifestation of sin and falling from heaven, or it could be referencing Awsten calling them demons, and it possibly could be him sarcastically accepting the fact he is being demonized by Soul.

"I watched you meditate, medicate but I'm here still

If I'm already dead, I can't be killed."

This I think is about Awsten, watching Awsten do things to attempt to remedy the effects of the property without actually leaving it. Star, and by that logic Soul as well, is still there. Star is still trying to get them out, and won't stop trying.

Also, "kill another demon" could easily tie into this, and I think it does.

I also think death in this context is falling from heaven, escaping the property, etcetera. He can't die again, if he already did, but I'm not super positive on that one. Idk lol

"I'll love a God when he loves me back."

More about the religious trauma aspects of the story, Star is able to think like this and say these things, disconnect from the concepts of religious teachings and fear, because he's escaped the property before.

Also, looking at the Luciferianism themes of the album, this line is really interesting as, yet again looking at "everyone is a god once you leave the property" and the "pray to me" lines, it seems Star sees himself as something similar to a godlike figure.

(Removed a few "yeah"s to make it shorter)

"I'll stop the world, I'll tape the cracks, c'mon. What you give out's, what you get back, yeah

I'll stop the world, I'll tape the cracks, c'mon. What you give out's, what you get back.

Destroy the world, yeah, I'll tape the cracks, c'mon. What you give out's, what you get back, yeah."

This part is very obviously a direct response to Soul, and again - I think the world here is the property, while the cracks are the damage the property has done to them all. While also being more direct lines to Soul, more jabs at him.

"Destroy the world, I'll break the cracks, c'mon

So sell me out, yeah, I'll stab your back."

I think this line specifically is one big final mocking jab towards how Soul is demonizing Star.

A sarcastic response to the claims he is doing something bad by attempting to leave the property, etcetera. A little hard to explain, but I hope you understand what I mean lol

This concludes my big giant lore post, but seriously expect so much more!! I cannot wait to find out more, and I'm always ALWAYS trying to come up with more types of theories here!

I cannot wait to be proven, most likely, wrong about all of this when we learn more! 💚

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you too much by sending in such a random ask. may I please have a romantic matchup for bg3?

I use they/them pronouns and I’m pansexual. my myers briggs type is INFJ and my star sign is taurus.

Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m kind of introverted, and can be considered not a people person. I find life a little nihilistic. I’m into dressing in all black (trad, mopey, mall, black-metal, and hippie goth styles mainly, both fem and masc) or and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers, analog horror, witchcraft, true crime, necromancy, anatomy, etc. I typically consider myself a "gorehound" ig. I participate in "Vulture Culture"; and I also like to visit abandoned places just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. I just have a genuine comfort in the uncomfortable.

I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start talking, which may or may not come off as rude to people.

when I become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. most of my humor comes off really insulting, and I’m brutally honest, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke or I didn’t mean it if it becomes a problem. even though I do have a hard time understanding social cues.

lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though, and I own four guinea pigs that I protect with my life. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’ve been told I’m also a laidback person. I’ve also been told I never know when to quit, and I find I hold grudges for certain things. It’s not as common now but I used to get called a vampire by other kids when I was younger since I had oddly pointy canine teeth. I find it funny, seeing how I am today. I also have an inside joke with my family where they call me "Irl Daria" which I find funny.

I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. especially with the types mentioned above.

I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, listening to music ( the cure, pierce the veil, deftones, soad, cannibal corpse, slipknot, rob zombie,,,, sometimes radiohead, insane clown posse, jazmin bean or mother mother, etc. ), or even occasionally playing video games, reading, writing, or talking about a random conspiracy theory I have. I do acting in my spare time as a small hobby too, and I’m learning how to play electric guitar. I also work as a scare actor.

I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I also have this specific blanket I can literally not sleep without. Im also a caffeine addict, and I’m guilty of being very submissive and maybe even masochistic- and a bit of a pyromaniac. I dissociate or daydream a lot, so you can often catch me starring.

I suffer from a handful off mental and physical syndromes like asd, insomnia, asthma, depression and anxiety. These have all been diagnosed professionally, and I’m definitely not trying to make myself "quirky". unfortunately health problems run in my family.

I’m very fidgety, and often bite the inside of my cheek or bounce my leg rapidly. you don’t need to rocmantasize this stuff ofc, but I think it’s good to know so the person can tolerate me.

you do get to this, thanks for your time. <3

A/N: Thank you so much for all the details!! It helps the process. Because you said you’re pansexual but didn’t specify whether you wanted a male or female companion or both, I gave you both just in case. So feel free to pick the person who feels the most accurate to you!

TW: Mentions of Gore, Horror

For you @br4inr0tx I think you’d be a good romantic match for either Astarion (Male) or Minthara (Female)!

⭒ Astarion is drawn to your mysterious and rather nihilistic nature. He is seen as intimidating or scary due to his immortal condition, and because of this, he puts up walls to keep himself safe from judgmental people. That being said, he doesn’t necessarily hide his true nature: he’s very upfront about his more, morbid opinions, and makes it clear that he disapproves of unnecessary altruistic choices, especially when those choices involve having to appear more “normal” for the comfort of other people in the game.

He finds your gorehound interests fascinating, and oddly calming in a way. After a lifetime of being exposed to so much gore, there’s something familiar and controllable about watching or reading about fictional simulated gore that puts him at ease. So he one hundred percent understands how it is you find comfort, as you said, in the uncomfortable.

Astarion is also pansexual, and very fond of the more dramatic ‘gothic’ styles in clothing. He loves getting to experiment in both fem and masc styles with you. He might even ask to borrow something of yours, as long as he could fit it. He is taller than you, but still fairly thin. I honestly don’t think he’d mind wearing one of your tops as a sort of crop-top thing, so long as no one else was around. I think he might take pleasure in flaunting it, just to get a reaction out of you. He thinks it’s adorable when he teases you, and you just ramp up all the sarcasm and wit. He’s very glad to have a ‘fast’ partner- someone who can quip back at him in the blink of an eye. It keeps him on his toes, and confirms that you feel comfortable with him- two things he likes.

And if you like abandoned or liminal places, just hold on to your hat. He knows tons of them in and outside of the city. Being a vampire had him hunting on the outskirts, and he knows them all rather intimately. When your relationship reaches that serious level, he’ll take you to where his headstone rests, in a cemetery in Baldur’s Gate. He’s not buried under there, but his family must have put it up to commemorate his life after he went “missing”. It’s sacred ground to him. And you’re one of the few people he loves enough to take there. Mainly because you are his partner and because he knows you won’t run at the sight of such things. Knowing he has a partner who doesn't shy away from the darker, more twisted stuff is reassuring. Especially when so much of your past is complicated.

He too is rather intimidated by people. Although he may not always admit it. So much of his feistiness comes from fear. In the past people have hurt him, so now he walks the line of nice and jerk to keep people at arm's length. He’s not really an ass though, and he’s appreciative, you know that. He knows you’re not rude or cold, just introverted and a little insecure. He’ll gladly defend your behavior to anyone who dares complain. No stranger better dare cast judgment on you when they don’t know who you’re really like when they have no clue what either of you have been through. Seriously though, just say the word and he’ll take care of them for you.

Teeth twins! Astarion jokes that you’re obviously his soulmate because your teeth match. And seeing pointier teeth on you, someone he sees as beautiful, makes him feel less self-conscious about his.

Having to shield from the sun, he’s more of an indoor activity sort of person. He loves staying inside and listening to music or reading with you. Just the two of you and your pile of plushies. Astarion enjoys their comfort as well, even if he won’t admit it outright. It’s a way for him to get physical comfort when he desperately wants to touch/hold you but is too upset or raw to do so.

In some ways, he shares in your submissiveness and masochism, but those are still very touchy subjects. It takes him a while to communicate that to you. He dissociates often as well, so he’s thankful you understand what a dissociative episode is like. Most people just assume he’s ignoring them, but you know the truth. The two of you look out for each other in that way.

As a Taurus Intuitive, you’re prone to contemplating the long term, and as a Taurs Judger, you’re often determined and work hard to make your dreams a reality. This works well with Astarion, who I think is either an ENTJ or ESFP- both signs that tend to be go-getters in their own way.

He’s not a very fidgety person, his anxiety forcing him to be anxious inside but still on the outside. But he does understand the root feelings. He doesn't think it’s annoying at all. If anything he finds your leg bouncing comforting. It reminds him you’re still by his side.

And for that, he is eternally grateful.

☾ Minthara would also be a good match for you! Although she is a lot more abrasive and rough around the edges, I think she’d be very appreciative of your darker interests. At camp, if you take a look in her tent, she actually has what looks like a deer or horse skull candle holder. So she would actively join you in your Vulture Culture escapades.

She also finds great joy in the gorier aspects of life. As a drow, violence is almost second nature. It doesn't scare her off or intimidate her in any way. And if you like abandoned or liminal places, you’re sure to enjoy the Underdark- which is basically a giant spooky underground liminal space.

Minthara is the farthest thing from a people person, so she has absolutely no qualms about you not being extroverted or especially inclined to make acquaintances with strangers. She’s glad you scare people off, if you didn’t, she’d have to. (I mean she still does naturally, but she doesn’t have to put as much effort into it, because no one is gonna mess with the two of you combined.)

Being an INFJ, and Minthara being an ENTJ, you are similar in that you can contemplate various topics- both realistic and abstract. However you have to be careful and remember while ENTJs may sound insensitive, they’re just very direct communicators. Based on what you told me about your personality, this shouldn't be a problem for you, however, as you’re very brutally honest yourself.

Minthara herself is funny. It’s just that her humor is more sarcastic, a little morose, and very situational. She doesn’t find your humor offensive, and if anyone has a problem with it, they will answer to her.

Despite what others may think, Minthara likes animals. When Scratch is gone, she’s noticeably sad. I think she’d like to be a co-parent to your guinea pigs.

She’s not very laid back, preferring action to inaction. But that’s okay. You remind her to take breaks and time to chill- just sit and rest or read or write or listen to music. Not everything has to be full speed ahead. On the other hand, she helps motivate you to do things outside of your comfort zone. She’ll pull you out of your room, to go on walks with her around the surface. The two of you are sort of yin and yang this way.

She’s impressed with your work as a scare actor. In Drow culture, being able to intimidate others and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies is an admirable quality. She sees your talent as an impressive hobby to have, one which many people are not capable of.

She’s rather touch starved as well- having to expect betrayal everywhere she goes in Drow society. Because of this, she finds the idea of sleeping with plushies useful. It’s unexpected, but she finds a good deal of comfort in them. And she finds a great deal of comfort in you.

And don’t be shy about your masochistic side with her. She has one as well. She pushes herself to her limits, causing herself intentional pain and suffering. For her, it is like a religion in some ways. The more she can endure, the stronger others believe she is. Of course, it’s always nice to not have to push, to be able to take it slow and enjoy your company in the moment. That’s where you come in.

Minthara may not have the kindest tone, but she tries her best to reassure you that despite your many ailments, she loves you all the same. She thinks you’re strong enough to be able to not only endure life with so many invisible burdens but to live life in ways you wish. To her, it’s an exquisite quality to have in a mate. You are marvelous in her eyes.

She can’t imagine the rest of her life without you.

...

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[alostlittleriverlotus]

the pure fucking hell of having NPD and OCPD. Like. Yes. Perfectionism means love and lack of working or perfecting your work means you are opening yourself up to hatred, isolation, and everything you fear.

I'm so bad at explaining it. But like. I sit here. And deal with perfectionism from two separate disorders. That makes something as simple as playing RELAXING VIDEO GAMES stressful as fuck. Animal Crossing, Ooblets, Stardew Valley? No. If everything isn't perfect and I do my absolute best, I am a failure and will lose fucking everything within my grasp.

I'm still learning about my OCPD and how it affects me since it mingles with my narcissism a lot, but oh my god, it is so fucking obvious whenever I play literally ANY fucking video game. The relaxing cozy ones are obvious, but it's in RPGs and any "quest-based" games as well. Minutes feel too fast and ADHD and dissociation only worsens it. Plus my mind is crowded and busy.

So basically even my comfort games are exceptionally stressful for me and it's exhausting. And I'm REALLY trying to unlearn that. It just gets hard when I need to buy EVERYTHING, but can't earn enough money in the limited in game day or end up getting distracted and forgetting cause I have to do another task that I think of as I pass by it. I really have to teach myself to fucking enjoy relaxing down time. When all I have is down time cause I'm fucking disabled and isolated as fuck. Not to mention if OCD gets in the way especially with the little rituals I have to do or else shit gets bad which only wastes more seconds.

Narcissism + OCPD is a hellish combination. Perfectionism in either on their own is already hell. Group them together and it's suffering. Fucking hell.

As I unpack my OCPD and begin to explore disorders one by one, I focus on one trait that affects me at the time. And right now? It's the work obsessions/keeping busy and the perfectionism of OCPD. Especially since I'm disabled and unable to do physical work (cleaning, unpacking, an actual job, anything like that) or any other productive activity (drawing or writing) so I often turn to video games for a sense of productivity and it can be exceptionally relaxing. But I so often slip into that "maximize everything" mode. I know other people tend to do that too especially with like Stardew Valley, but like...having PDs with it is just hellish. Cause it's so natural to you and now without some other outlet for this such as school or work or even cleaning or writing, you turn to your comforts. And it eats away at you. I've just been experiencing it a lot lately and it's made it really difficult to play games especially since I never know what to play and feel like I'm missing a lot of stuff and it just sits with me as this huge discomforting, unsafe feeling. And it's so fucking distinct. And then with perfectionism being tied to my self worth with narcissism, that means if I'm not doing stuff, I cannot be loved and it worsens my mental state and self esteem. Plus the whole societal push of this shit doesn't help. I'm usually pretty good at undoing the ableist shit of "You have to work to be useful or else youre lazy" since I focus a lot on self care with my deteriorating physical state. But dude. Sometimes it gets to me. Like I cannot be mentally stable. There is so much fucking trauma packed into this bad boy. So many issues and so many disorder experiences that wax and wane cause of symptom holding alters or specific triggers for them to pop out.

Hell. Life is hell. And this is the recent mentally ill thing getting to me lately.