#films that do not exist

[filmsthatdonotexist]

Most film buffs know that; at a certain point in cinematic history; whenever a film of note came from the US, it was only a matter of time before some variety of insane Italian director would create an unauthorized ripoff of or sequel to it.

Such was the case too with the Scorcese-produced* recently-rediscovered cult-classic Goncharov. Ironically, despite its reputation for controversy in the country, Italy was one of the few places where Goncharov got any decently consistent distribution, due to a sequence of events too stupid to list here.

In fact, most bootleg copies circulating in cinephile circles before recent events were taken from fan-subtitled Italian VHS copies, which is where the rumors of it originally being shot in Italian came from if you wondered about that.

But, that circulation was a cult film even amongst cult films, and if you were in horror circles of a certain generation, bringing up "Goncharov" would have elicited a response of "Oh, you mean that insane zombie mafia movie?"

But no dear readers, that would be Goncharov Part II, the bizarre unauthorized Italian sequel to the first movie....

...Well, semi-unauthorized. The technicalities of international distribution/adaptation rights are stupid like that. And yet it still got better distribution than actual-Goncharov for decades.

The plot is very simple, two women, implied to be trying to leave a Mafia life behind, end up in the middle of a zombie gang war between the entire deceased cast (So, basically, the entire cast) of Goncharov.

The first thing will notice is the fact that this is significantly more action-packed than the often slow; talk-y original. if there is anything you can call this movie, it is not slow, it just gets going and refuses to stop.

Which would probably register as strange to those who know B-movies, because of how many of those tend to be just talking between characters we don't care about in between the moments of batshit insanity as a pragmatic measure to save on budget. They could have easily stayed true to the original by doing just that.

But, if there's anything to be said about this film (And a few others') mysterious director Cero Boyardi (A screen name), he seemed very passionate about this project and wanted to put his whole ass into it. (Literally, if the rumors about him being a very specific extra in the massacre scene are true)

And he was at least... 80% of the way to understanding the original film's themes, with things such as the scene where a clock tower is blown up (Despite one never appearing in the first movie), the food fight at the fruit vendors' and; of course; what is almost certainly the first gay zombie kiss in film history.

And even beyond those shoutouts there are hints of theme in the two female leads ending up heavily implied to be lovers at the end and their ultimately successful quest to break free of the cycle of violence and the self-destructiveness of the zombies.

But these are drowned out by the sheer madness of the events onscreen. But then again, boy oh boy what madness.

Not only do these zombies, as you can guess by the poster, have the intelligence to wield firearms and strategize, but they have a host of bizarre abilities, from the simple act of breathing gouts of toxic gas to seemingly warping streets into pocket gang-war dimensions if there are enough of them.

But, even beyond the zombies there are echoes of Bava/Argento-esque insanity, such as the Magician With The Golden Gun (A none-too-subtle reference to a recent film) who gives our protagonists the weapons they need to beat the zombies or the sewer... thing with a camera as part of its anatomy that seemingly produced the zombie plague to begin with.

This is a love it or hate it film for most fans of the original, who are divided on whether it is a kistchy mess or a kistchy mess that's a lot of fun with its heart in the right place, but for horror fans unacquainted with the classic original (IE, most horror fans until recently,) it is a blast that should bring joy to you in the same way Super Inframan did to Roger Ebert.

As a final note, the American dub of this film is also where the infamous "It's Gonchin' Time" line that came to be associated with the original actually came from.

The origin is quite simple, most dubbers for films of this... type back in this era really; really did not care about the films they were dubbing, and often tended to add jokes or even ad-lib.

And so, some nerd (I cannot remember his name, tho I do recall an interview recently I need to dig up) basically decided to make a pithy Ben Grimm reference in the recording booth. And thusly a stupid; stupid forced meme was born...

*Note that Scorcese's role in the production is highly disputed, so I figured it best to stay out of it, though my mind tends to lean towards the "involved enough to be considered co-director" in reasons I will not elaborate on here, for fear of starting yet another stupid fight.

[skitskatdacat63]

"Fernando" S1E4 - Fernando Alonso & Carlos Sainz Sr.

[ravenstarmedia]

Me learning the original concept for Wish had Star as a Peter Pan/Genie-esque shapeshifter, he would be Asha's love interest, the king and queen would be a villainous couple, and that sounds a hundred times more interesting than what we actually got:

*opens Final Draft*

[sergle]

(re: sssniperwolf and jacksfilms) It's laughable that she escalated it that hard. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure stalking him like that is illegal and it's terrifying regardless, but Jack said in a stream (can't remember which one) that he wasn't about bringing up past controversies of hers or cancelling. And now she shows up outside his house (wtf!!!). Like he was willing to only call her out for stealing and freebooting but she's gone and stalked him and Jack doesn't seem like the type of guy to take that shit. Actual WTF moment from her part. wild

omg long post below bc apparently I have opinions: YES!! THAT'S WHAT'S SO INCREDIBLE ABOUT THIS... Jack has been genuinely diligent about keeping things on-topic in his streams, and hasn't brought up any of her other Stuff, or anything Personal. Despite the fact that she kickstarted the whole thing by making it INCREDIBLY personal and attacking his physical appearance... His goal has been to call out and bring attention to content theft, and he's stuck with it. Dude's also cared about this for years, and she's not the first content thief he's criticized. He just hates the way that freebooting has become so accepted-- to the point where youtube praised her for "coming up with such creative video ideas"? Hey! Ew! Dude wasn't trying to get her cancelled though, there was no smear campaign of her character. He's been rallying to get her to CREDIT the creators that she relies on for all of her content. It would set a precedent for all other "react" channels on the platform for one of the biggest channels on youtube to actually give credit where credit is due. Or, god forbid, get permission first? It's not hard. It's already done the job of making some other people who do "react content" self-analyze whether or not their content is transformative, and to maybe care about crediting the creators they rely on for their genre to work. There is a way to make this kind of video that isn't so slimy. And making fun of her lackluster-at-best reactions is so far from even being a big deal. Bc she literally does just sit there and say nothing. Plus, his goal has a clear End built into it: if she started shouting out the creators she takes content from, and put links directly to their pages in her video descriptions, the job would be done! That's what he's asking her to do. Real bare minimum stuff. It legit would have been easy to steer away from the content theft and to also talk about her history of lying to her audience! her ghosting a dying kid with cancer who was a big fan of hers! the fact that she's been arrested for armed robbery! her history of transphobia! He would also get more clicks that way, which is what she claims is his sole goal- to get more clicks. I'll bring it up though! She's been a terrible person the whole time, and has kept a steady course of manipulating her audience of young children and/or, let's be completely honest, simps- into thinking that she's a Wholesome creator. (And now, into thinking she's an innocent victim.) All of the actual effort put in by her has gone toward optics, not the content she puts out. A carefully constructed online persona, for one, but also literal appearances. Jack totally can't say this, bc she already went off the handle and said the only reason he doesn't like her is bc he Hates To See A Woman Be Successful. But I can! That was a cheap shot for her to use that argument when, for once, it's not applicable! Much the opposite, even! Dudes online wouldn't go to bat for her if she didn't look the way she does. And it weakens any case she'd have against him by making baseless claims like that. She banks hugely on being an attractive woman to get her clicks/following. A massive amount of effort is put into her appearance. The makeup, the lip fillers, putting her hair in little pigtails, the chokers and tube tops, the big non-prescription Nerd Glasses, the thumbnails where she has her mouth open in That Expression?

I don't even have to say anything. But making a weird facial expression and putting your hair in pigtails aren't moral failings. Showing up at someone's real life home (whose address you shouldn't even have access to), filming the front of their house at night, doxxing them to your audience of millions of people? Because you were mad at them online? That is fully scary! Yeah girl I'm pretty sure that Jack can press charges! There is absolutely no way to take the moral highground now that she's literally stalked him, and doxxed his home. She tried to goad him and Erin (Jack's wife) out of the house, also, which creeps me out even more-- because what was she planning to do? The fact that she's been arrested for violent crime before does pop into my mind! lmao! Jack was streaming a game at the time that she was outside his home, and these clips of him, his friends, and Erin reacting in real time to what is genuinely a scary situation have been taken down in case he needs to use them in legal action. Shit is legitimately serious!

[moxyphinx]

SOPHIE OKONEDO as KIERA in RAYMOND & RAY (2022)

[lefthandarm-man]

Steve Rogers // Captain America Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

the way he looks at bucky (part 1)

(bucky vers.)

[flowersforfrancis]

[canisalbus]

Machete and Vasco made an appearance in my dreams last night and I'd like to formally apologize to them bc my dreams are always horror slanted lol they didn't have a good time poor guys.

.

[idlesuperstar]

- As far back as I can remember, I had a passion for dressing up and playing games of 'Let's Pretend', which are, of course, the basic principles of acting, and if you are lucky enough, you get paid for so doing, hard work though it may be.

[themoonking]

i genuinely want the mcu to end so badly. the whole "every movie takes place in the same universe and they're all connected" worked well in the earlier days, but now it just hurts the quality. i would have loved to see what an ant-man 3 or a doctor strange 2 could have been if it didn't need to put aside its own identity in service of furthering a larger story. and as the release schedule gets more and more crowded, it just gets harder and harder to remain invested in literally anything.

[front-facing-pokemon]

[devilsskettle]

i think some of the popularity that meta horror has garnered is a little bit disingenuous tbqh even though i do like some of the movies that have come out of the subgenre, people don’t realize that the foundation of the slasher genre was established in the 60s/70s and a lot of the 80s movies that have become so classic were already riffing off of the tropes established by those movies before full fledged meta took off. the idea to make friday the 13th was sparked by the commercial success of halloween. the original script for slumber party massacre was a parody of the genre and the movie retains much of that humor which is referential to past slashers by nature. + it intentionally uses typical slasher tropes around gender and sexuality to bring forward the concerns of teenage girls. is that not something that meta horror is frequently touted as doing? child’s play is like a slasher, “except —” which is what a lot of meta horror comedies do now (“slasher except it’s a possessed doll” is not that far off from “slasher except it’s freaky friday” and whatnot). this isn’t to say that scream isn’t foundational to what the slasher genre evolved into or that contemporary meta slashers aren’t doing something interesting but i also think they tend to lean towards cynicism towards the movies they’re deriving their themes from + they’re not even as different as they think they are from “classic” 80s movies that already are borrowing from classic slashers which in turn borrowed from even older horror (for example, in halloween, laurie is watching the thing from another world from the 50s which was adapted into the now classic john carpenter’s the thing in the 80s). and of course many of these older horror movies were adapted from literature which also inspired more literature. like the shelley/byron/polidori scary story writing contest is now legendary but also you don’t get the shining without the haunting of hill house (and you don’t get the haunting of hill house without turn of the screw, for example) and the shining is probably one of the most referenced movies by other media of all time. horror has always been an intertextual genre let’s stop pretending it didn’t become “self aware” until 1996

[thetimelordbatgirl]

Kevin Fiege when there are Marvel Films that aren't related to the MCU and therefore actually allowed the directors and writers to do what they wanted with the story and characters:

[dudewotheck]

[agir1ukn0w]

[6irlpet]

the lack of domestic cockwarming clitwarming smothering lengthy facesitting porn etc etc in general searches is appalling tbh. SOME of us have an oral fixation and just wanna go dumb buried between someone’s thighs until our jaws ache. some of us just want to kneel under a desk or in front of couch or be kept at bottom of bed to have our mouth used for hours while the other person ignores us doing whatever they like and our entire world and purpose is narrowed down to being a fleshlight. uhhhh not me but some people for sure