#goober. goober has been using green hearts

[rudylloyd]

having a brain moment rn

[vxiphoid]

PIXELATED ZEN

❨ summary ❩ genshin › genshin men playing minecraft with you ((ft. alhaitham, itto, cyno, diluc, kazuha, kaeya, heizou, & xiao))

tags ✧ modern au, drabble, fluff, chaotic energy, not proofread, cursing, ooc(?), established relationship, gn!reader, kaeya sets a forest on fire, alhaitham does not appreciate bees, mentions of pixelated deaths

amanuensis’ message ⊹ IM NOT TRYING TO KILL MY OTHER FANDOMS I SWEAR… im gonna back up from twst for a bit (im literally posting scarabia soon.) you can clearly tell who my favorites are… this unlocked a whole different part of my brain holy shit im deceased

⌜200+ e/chara ⌟

♫ blossom - t. shan

genshin masterlist

ALHAITHAM

╰┈➤ tbh he thinks minecraft is stupid, i mean, why not read a book instead of burning the images of pixels into your eye sockets😒 yeah, he’d just rather books. its a game about blocks, what could possibly be so interesting? he will admit the music is… nice. its nostalgic even though he’s never heard the track before. his favorite animals are the axolotl idk they’re his little pookies. its their little stick arms, they look so silly… as soon as haitham found out that you could color things its over, he make some sweet things like putting a sign on top of your shared house with both initials with colored dye. he’s so happy, just not very vocal about it, but he has the smallest of smiles. he definitely has headphones with the crochet sprout on it omg😭 alhaitham does not like bees whatsoever, they stung him for trying to get food. he just wanted honey :[

“look, the dog’s collar is blue. and the sign’s letters are green and then if you add a glow squid’s ink, it lights up.”

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ARATAKI ITTO

╰┈➤ he has waited YEARS for someone to play minecraft with him omfg. certified snack hoarder for times like these. you both literally hit each other to show love, you’ve accidentally killed him once bc he didn’t tell you that he had like half a heart… itto likes the water, hates the guardians because who do you think you are attacking him out of nowhere??? gets one shotted by the elder guardian while trying to fight it with a stick and then blames it on magma blocks pulling him down. GAMING WITH HIM IS NEVER CALM GODS💀 you cannot lay on him or anything bc as soon as those cave sounds or disc 13 start playing, he’s already done sprung out of his seat. his screams are actually really funny though, you got him a cat from how much he’s been assaulted by creepers. when you introduced him to shaders, he was so in awe. “babe i have a shadow!” type of excitement JAKEJEJDMnda.

“the cat’s name is sir arataki the third, you are now my loyal guard cat. who’s an adorable little guy?”

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CYNO

╰┈➤ look at this nerd (affectionate), ofc he plays cubecraft. loved it so much that when he didn’t have the actual game, he would play the really bad knockoffs💀 plays on console so you can sit between his legs, lean back, and game with him. cyno hate the split screen because he always gets confused on what side he’s on so he lets you use his switch, that way you’re both still comfortable. he’s more of an explorer if you do get mod packs for him, likes the horror ones the most. there’s nothing like hitting the enemy or shit talking the thing that could potentially one shot you with your s/o‼️ yall crouch a lot, its like a little dance. he really likes the disc “far” it itches his brain in the right way. definitely downloads the little raccoon mobs but then regrets it because he gives up all his berries to them, look at their little begging arms, literally how can you say no to that?? AND THEY WASH THE BERRIES. you both fall asleep to the ambience and to each others breathing all cuddled up ‘n warm. cyno absentmindedly sings the music while chopping wood or mining that shit has you SLUMPED. he kisses your head when you fall asleep, smiling like a silly goober.

“do-do-do-do do-do-do-do do, neow neow neow nneow neeeowwww… huh? oh, i’m almost done then we can go to bed, yeah? i’ll charge the switch too, don’t worry. just rest.”

(he’s singing that one part in danny lmfao)

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DILUC

╰┈➤ diluc does not understand the concept of minecraft but its okay, he’s just happy to be here. he also doesn’t call it minecraft but “cave game”, the original name, he did his research though it is rare that he actually calls it minecraft. found out that you could breed animals and accidentally made a pack of wolves. diluc is really good with redstone its actually insane😭 he’s the type to protect you the whole time while you’re getting flowers for the house, boyfriend bodyguard. diluc doesn’t play much because of his job but when he does, he’s prepared to sit for hours and spend time with you :(. these are the times where he’s most affectionate, randomly kissing your cheek, getting water for the both of you before you play, etc. luc loves the mod pack “industrial”, he can build machines, how neat is that??? also it has way more OMFP with the added features it has yk? he likes the trains :D

“is the water running…? the water’s running, they have moving windmills!”

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KAEDEHARA KAZUHA

╰┈➤ kazuha has the most expensive equipment yet doesn’t use this shit half of the time unless he’s streaming with heizou??? like im talking msi infinite rs pc, multiple monitors, a graphic drawing tablet, headphones with immaculate sound quality AND!!! the ear cups have fucking cyberpunk 3d wing guards on them. but anyways, minecraft, yes, he plays. in fact, kaedehara has about 10 beaten hardcore worlds every time a new update comes out, he must beat the game again. he rarely plays minecraft without his shaders so when you want to play the original og minecraft, he doesn’t mind, he actually enjoys the nostalgia. so much so the music is actually his background music when he’s just lazing around. words cannot express how much he dislikes (hates) wardens omg. he’ll protect you from them but if there were diamonds behind a warden, ig he’s going somewhere else😭 kazuha gives you random shit, weather that be something really sweet or questionable…

“love, do you want my rotten flesh? here<3 oh! and, i also got you some steak, you’re low on hearts…”

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KAEYA

╰┈➤ he’s heard of it, watched people play, just never played it. but when he does… he’s a menace. kaeya got his hands on flint and steel and set an entire jungle on fire… but he can be sweet sometimes! you’re the one protecting his ass while he walks around at night UNARMED to gather blue flowers for you. like you’re cute, but take a shield or something😭 he’s jumped off of a tall building before and landed on half a heart for a stack of bread you didn’t want. he’s rather oblivious to the mobs around him, he once thought shulkers were friends because they were just “silly little guys in little boxes” yk until they almost killed him. you bought him his own skin and introduced him to parrots and now its his favorite animal, he looks like a pirate!!! kaeya is chaotically sweet.

“yes, you almost died protecting me but how could you resist my everlasting love plus pixelated blue flowers?”

(has a cat unironically named ice spice LMFAO)

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SHIKANOIN HEIZOU

╰┈➤ your boyfriend is good at literally anything else BUT minecraft. its the way this game constantly has it out for him too like what did bro do??🙁 heizou stream’s with kazuha every now and again and on those, he still doesn’t know what to do… he’d rather play on the servers, bedwars in particular. extremely good at bw, you’d rather NOT be his enemy😭😭 wins almost every single game even when he carries, rank 98 in the server. yet when it comes to a casual server between you and him, the chats are filled with his deaths and his hashtagged rages💀 heizou despises silverfish which is also why he hates going into strongholds, they could get stomped on for all he cares! >:( he has texture packs with really beautiful skies and then a picnic mod so he can stargaze with you and eats minecraft cake :(<3

“oh. babe, green is heading for our bed, no pressure or anything. i loovveee youuu😚”

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XIAO

╰┈➤ xiao has the MOST downloaded mod packs, shaders, and worlds. not very expensive mod packs most of the time but when they are, they’re always good. spends his time fighting off mobs at night, #1 totem holder. he even has his own custom skin!!! he’s kinda been waiting for you to ask so when you do play mc together, you already have your own room, but when you voluntarily move your bed into his room to sleep… he melts. xiao loves cuddling while the two of you play, he’d rather your arms around him than the other way around, feels more intimate. you have matching hoodies for occasions like this. he has the dragon mod pack and has his own golden and orange dragon named ‘li’. he doesn’t talk while gaming, curses silently when he gets hit, but other than that doesn’t talk. if you want to talk, he’ll listen, he likes hearing about your day :].

“no, keep talking. i’m listening. see, li’s listening too.”

[cerise-on-top]

Whether you'll be sticking with CoD or not, thank you for all the beautiful writing you've done in the fandom! I love going back and rereading your fics and HCs 😭 In the spirit of your post, how about Alerudy and reader watching fireworks to celebrate new years and new beginnings together? 😃

Thank you, that made me really happy to hear :> I had a great time here! I met some amazing people too! I think I'll remember my time in this fandom fondly, for as messed up as it could be at times! This is one of the greates compliments you could give a writer :-)

AleRudy and Reader Watching the Fireworks

I feel as though the both of them would be ecstatic to watch the fireworks with you. Sure, you weren’t dating the two of them, but that didn’t mean they didn’t enjoy your company as much as they did each other’s. So I think it likely would have been their idea to invite you over. You’d all be nestled on a picnic blanket on a nice hill together, cracking jokes, maybe even flirting with each other for the hell of it. You were close, weren’t you? Besides, Rodolfo knew that you weren’t going to steal Alejandro from him. It was all friendly, it was all peaceful, but the anticipation for a good show was still very much there. Although it may have been a bit more chilly than usual, most places would have still thought of it as rather warm, so it’s not like any of you were going to freeze to death either. Though, you had to admit, the mental image of Rodolfo wearing earmuffs was too cute to pass up. But that wasn’t important, you were sitting between the both of them, despite having insisted that you didn’t want to get in between them. And yet, those goobers wanted nothing more than to be close to you, both of them.

And then the show began: Beautiful lights that lasted mere seconds, but left an impression for a lifetime. Colorful flowers, weeping willows. Red, green, blue. Cyan, magenta, yellow. You were surrounded by the booming fireworks, no particle of the sky left untouched by their beauty. It was a spectacle far more exciting than what you were used to as you could spend this usually lonesome evening with the two people you loved the most. The new year had begun, and with it you were certain you were going to spend another lovely year with Alejandro and Rodolfo. It was more than you could have ever hoped for. All these years, you had no one. And within such a short time, you found honest, genuine people, who have done more for you than anyone else ever has. In such a short time, you had come to love these men more than anyone else. Always so witty, usually so level headed, sometimes the greatest morons you had ever met. But that didn’t matter, they were here to stay.

As you gazed upon another flower in awe, Alejandro and Rodolfo got up, each offering you a hand to take. Naturally, you took it, overcome with love for the both of them. If you could have, you would have taken them both into your arms, holding onto them for eternity. Two weary soldiers, they needed someone to show them the kindness of the world, show them the ways of a safer world. One, they strove to always fight for, noble as they were.

And yet, their gentle grasp on you never ceased, as both of them held onto your hands. They were so warm, their expressions so soft, as if to soothe someone overtaken by the terror of life.

“Y/N, we have to ask you an important question.”

With a gentle squeeze, Alejandro held your hand over his chest, pressing it more closely towards his heart.

“Do you think you’d want to be our partner? We’ve thought long and hard about this, but you’re the one. We’re sure of it.”

Rodolfo played with your fingers, squeezing them, twisting them ever so slightly.

There was not a single thought behind your eyes as you heard that question. Naturally, you had no need to think about it, the answer was obvious. And yet, in your tardiness, you worried them. Hardened soldiers, who had seen deaths more gruesome than one could imagine. At their hands, the world would burn. A dumb grin on your face, and yet their hearts almost sank as you delayed your answer.

However, as soon as you regained your composure, you took your hands away from theirs, wrapping an arm around each of them.

“Yes, I’d love nothing more than that. Thank you. Thank you for being able to love someone like me after all. I love you two, truthfully.”

A chance encounter. A chance at life. A chance at being loved. And yet, in such a short time, you came to appreciate life to its fullest. The morning was going to come soon, but those godforsaken nights weren’t as dark anymore. Where there was one star, there would be many, one just had to look for them. The booming cheers from people you had never met, the loud fireworks, your beating heart. You were there to witness it all. You would be for a long time. Loneliness was a murderer, claiming more lives than any bomb ever could. And yet, in that moment, you were in the arms of your loving boyfriends, celebrating what you never thought to be possible. A new year, and a new you.

[house-of-slayterr]

Zsasz Family Headcannons:

An: I’ve had a very long, but good day, so I don’t want to write full fics rn. But I can’t just not post today that’s lame lol. More Hannibal family to come soon, and I might start a new Lost Boys series, I haven’t decided yet.

Tag: @keffirinne @flaysthings @howl-fantasies

Victor:

Big old fucking softie!!! SOFTIE ALERT!!!

Like he’s not as hard as he thinks he is

Boy listens to disco, ain’t nobody truly evil ever listen to disco! That would just be anti black of them. And if there is one thing Victor Zsasz isn’t, it’s a racist.

You’re telling me, despite not being a hero, this goober wouldn’t cut off a racists hands to prove a point? 👀 I mean think about it!!! Like he’s not gonna go around saving people, but he’s also not just going to let it slide if he sees it

Now, after that complement, he deserves a diss as well. Mother fuckers favourite ice-cream flavour is chocolate! Which is never the right answer!

Victor is an excellent dancer. Carmine totally made him take ballroom lessons as a young boy. And when he’s not at work, he’s taking Y/N out dancing! But we all know what activity that ends in 👀

Victor may think he’s invincible but he’s really not. He doesn’t know when enough and enough, but he will listen to those closet to him. If Maggie or V or Y/N begged him to take a day off and rest, he’d reluctantly do it. Victor doesn’t like feeling useless, so he wouldn’t like not working.

This applies mentally as well. He’s insane sure, but even is insane folk need a mental health day or moment sometimes. I think Vic may be physically unable to cry, but that doesn’t mean the feelings that cause tears don’t get to him. He fronts it all with rage and jokes, but I think no matter how duly, he does feel other emotions. I mean fucker loves Y/N with everything he has, he’s got a heart, he just needs to be taught how to use it.

I do think he would loose it if someone in his “family” died, I mean even with Falcone Victor went a little more off the rails then usual. But as we discussed in a previous headcannon, Victor SNAPS if his Y/N, his amazing wife, the love of his life, his soulmate, dies. And I don’t actually know if anyone, even the others could bring him back from that. Before Y/N, the thought that he’d one day fine someone to actually love him how he is, was what kept him going. Once he found that, he’s not letting it go for anything.

Back to a little more lighthearted. Victor does own colours… they’re just in his second closet. He has a work closet, and a regular closet. I still think he likes to keep it dark, but I can see him adding white, and royal, dark colours like reds, greens or purples. Just a little pop to make him feel special. And match whatever his beautiful wife is wearing, which he thinks she looks best in red (I wonder why🤨)

I think he enjoys being pampered. Both he and Basil are confident in their masculinity and don’t really let feminine things stop them. I mean neither man is one to let other people tell him what to do in the first place. They don’t care what anyone thinks about them. But I can see him taking Y/N or his girls to get mani pedis. He’d not get any colours, but he’d get his nails cleaned up and do a clear coat, or maybe a very subtle glitter. I mean man loves disco, a disco ball on his nails is the way to go!

Y/N:

She also tries to hide her feelings like Victor. But believe it or not, she’s not as convincing as she thinks she is. Even Jim has been able to pick up on some of her minor tells.

Y/N is a control freak. She doesn’t like deviating from the plan, and takes things like being on time very seriously. The only time she ever breaks script is if she’s horny, or caught up in another emotion. I think she actually feels her emotions too intensely. Her impulse control is strong, but as a learned trait. But if she’s truly caught off guard by an emotion, she’ll give into whatever urge that spurs up in here. Sad, run away. Happy, be vocal about it. Angry, kill. Horny, fuck her husband until he forgets any name other than hers.

This is why I think she was so quick to adopt that motherly role. She never wanted to be a mom, it wasn’t something she planned. But I’m the cases of Basil and Maggie, she was overrun by an emotion. Maggie was curiosity, and Basil was greed. Even with little V it was pity when taking on the role of step mother.

Y/N, unlike her husband, is not afraid to take time off. In fact sometimes she does it just to see if Oswald will get upset. She still likes to know her schedule, but when she’s in charge of the change in plans, she’s less worried about it. Wether it’s time off just because she wants to, needs a mental health day, is too injured to work and needs time to heal, or one of her “kitty’s” needs mamas help. She will gladly take that time. (Selena and Brucie are included in her kitten litter, but obviously Maggie and Basil come first)

She cares a lot about appearance, and in tern her families appearance. She totally plans family spa days to make sure everyone is looking their best at all times. But hey, she doesn’t hear anyone complaining. She totally feels like a school field trip aid, trying to wrangle all her ducklings. He husband included, he usually needs the most wrangling.

Y/N may or may not have a teeny eeney addiction problem. She’s turned to drugs and alcohol I’m the past. Because miss girl does not know how to talk about her feelings, at least not before Maggie comes along. And she’s not that great of an influence about it at first either. She pressured Maggie into joining her for drinks and drugs before. But she probably took a long hard look in the mirror after that and realised that she shouldn’t drag people into her problem. I feel like despite still struggling with it, and not really in the headset to give it up yet, she’d probably flip if any of them started to turn out like her. Like a few drinks here and there are fun, but there probably an unspoken “no hard drugs allowed by anyone in this house or your loosing your hand privileges” rule. If she need a loophole around this (if she gave into the cravings to curve her pain) she proably say something dumb like “well I didn’t bring it into the house” she knows it doesn’t comfort anyone but it makes her feel better.

She’s never gonna be a hero, her and Victor like their lives as villains. Having the title of Gotham’s most feared couple. But especially if she grows closer to Bruce, she does genuinely want a better Gotham for her children. She doesn’t want anyone to have to go through all that she’s gone through. She pretends nothing can traumatise her anymore, but those first scars in her mind burn the brightest. She grows more cautious and carful with age, not haphazardly throwing herself into danger anymore. She has proper plans in place if anything were to happen to her or Victor, she just doesn’t tell anyone about it. Can’t have them thinking she’s going soft or anything. And she does try to be a good example for her children in her own way. Sure, teaching your child the proper way to stab and disarm someone isn’t a traditional thing for a parent to pass down, but it’s practical. She’s teaching them how to survive, and hopefully thrive here in Gotham. It would kill her to see one of her little birdies shot down before her. Again, she doesn’t vocalise it though. Jim might not agree with everything she does, but she’s not a monster. She always does the “right thing”, but her version of right might just be a little different. But whatever she does, she does it with certainty and conviction. Her hearts in the right place, she just had things twisted for her from a young age.

Now while she might not vocalise her love for her family very often. She is a PROUD mama bear. Let me tell you. If any goon in Gotham is dumb enough to go after one of her kids… she will make it very known how much of a mistake that is. EVERYONE in Gotham knows very well that you don’t mess with Mama’s kids. But some of them are dumb enough to do it anyways. I could imagine when Jeremiah first joins the side of the villains, and goes after Bruce or V, she’ll give him a warning first. “You see that,” points to them “that right there is one of mine. And next time you put your grubby little hands on one of them, I will cut them off and shove them up your ass!” She doesn’t need to tell them she loves them, it more than shows in her actions.

She enjoys her dumb little domestic moments, just as much as she enjoys killing. Surprisingly, even though she doesn’t think so, she’s in her element in both.

Maggie:

I don’t think Maggie knows how to put herself first lol. Even in the beginning with Oswald, she compromised what she wanted for what she could have instead. Having Oswald as a friend was more important than her original plan. She’s willing to change her life at the drop of a hat, if it means making someone else happy. And when she does put herself first, she feels selfish and panics.

When Maggie loves, she loves intensely and she falls hard. And that’s in any kind of relationship, friends, family, lovers, even one night stands are full of passion with her. I don’t think she knows how to do anything casually. She wears her heart on her sleeve and sometimes it gets her hurt. But I think she falls in love more so with the idea of a person, instead of the person themselves. She ignores so many red flags because of this, because she craves the attention and the warmth love gives her.

I haven’t mentioned it in a while, but Maggie does have her Bachelors in Botany. She is a professional at her job. Her little flower shop adventures aren’t just a means to an end job. She truly enjoys it and feels at home when surrounded by plants. I think she really likes nature in general. She really loves animals but I don’t think she would ever take a pet for herself. She thinks it’s best to admire from afar.

Maggie fully encourages V’s education. She’s the one that drops the girl off at school everyday, and picks her up from Bruce’s house at the end of her shift. Maggie is the one Victor would give custody’s too if anything happened to him, cause he knows V will be in good hands. I can see her staying up late and helping V with homework.

I think Maggie seeks great comfort in her family. She probably ‘borrows’ an item from of them because it smells like them. Like stealing Basil’s hoodies, Y/N’s dresses, V’s beanie or Victor’s knife holster. Sometimes she wishes she had something of Jim’s, but she’s not creepy like Vic and wouldn’t take something without him knowing.

V:

My girl is gay and she has it fucking bad. Of course, she doesn’t really know that’s what it is at first. She never expected her first ever crush to be on Selena Kyle. And Maggie is the one she’d go to to talk about it. Y/N and her dad aren’t going to be sensitive about it, and she’s a sensitive girl. Maggie helped her understand what she was feeling, and couched her on what to do next.

V is also really fucking smart. Like she’s constantly reading something new. Despite never having gone to a proper school, she was able to teach herself most things. Growing up on the streets of Gotham, you had to be smart. Anything less as an immediate death sentence. She probably used to break into the library and borrow their computers to learn more.

She doesn’t talk much unless provoked. She grew used to be all on her own, so it’s strange for her to grow used to this new full family. She never even expected her dad to except her, and now she had more family then she knew what to do with. But that’s not a bad thing, she can just be a little sheltered is all. Beside, what teen wants to talk about their feelings?

V sees violence for what it is. Violence born out of necessity and survival doesn’t bother her. But she’s not as crazy as her father. She tries to minimise the damage she does unless she’s deemed someone as “unsavable” in which case she won’t hesitate. Sure, maybe it’s playing god, but she’s got time to mellow out.

She’s also not immune to emotions, like at all. Poor girl is a raging hormonal mess. She lashes out, and screams until her lungs are dry. Normal teenage shit. Except normal I’m Gotham is normal everywhere else. She doesn’t feel guilt for killing out of survival, but she may express regret for killing out of anger. She doesn’t like being angry, or the things it makes her do.

She dreams of one day getting out of Gotham. Experiencing somewhere new, somewhere brighter. It’s what drives her everyday, knowing she’s working toward a better future for herself. She’ll weasel her way into Bruce’s private school so she can receive the best possible education. And by “weasels” I mean Y/N and Victor having a little “chat” with the principal. Victor thought her want to go to school was stupid, but Y/N supported it fully.

Basil:

Aromantic/Asexual, why, because I said so and we need more representation. I mean yes, there was love and reproduction on his planet, but even back then, he didn’t really understand it. Out of all of them, Basil is the one that genuinely does not feel him emotions. His are probably the most stunted. There’s not really a facade for him to drop, he doesn’t pretend to be anyone unless the mission directly calls for it.

I mean why would a perfectly stable (at least from an outside view) fine young gentlemen, give up his perfectly fine life in National City with his family, to go love with a Villain from Gotham? Of course, no one from National City knows that Y/N is like one of the top villains. But what they don’t know won’t hurt them. He grew sick of pretending back home with his sister, and while of course he would come running if his sisters life was in risk, he has no intentions of ever calling that place his home. Kara fit in, he didn’t. She loved it there, he didn’t. The choice was simplex

Perhaps that’s why he took to Maggie so fast. Replace one older sister with another. And Maggie was much more “down to earth” both literally and figuratively. Kara was naive and lived with her head in the clouds, Maggie has a little more reality ground into her. But some parts of her remind him of his sister, like her almost always cheerful persona, her willingness to help, and the way she’s the only one who can make him feel like a person. Maggie makes him feel human, which at first scared him, but the longer he spent around her, the slightly less disdain he had for their kind. Maggie makes him see the good in humanity; but it a way that was less Disney Princess than Kara. Maggie’s optimism was palatable and contagious.

His relationship with Y/N isn’t the healthiest one. It borders on almost Stock Holm syndrome at first. He blindly fallows orders and would do anything without question. He respects her greatly; as she was the first person to make him feel something other than boredom for the first time in his life. She made life exciting and he craved that little bit of adrenaline he was capable of experiencing. Y/N is sort of like an addiction. But it mellows out as he grows more in touch with his emotions, and their relationship becomes a little less formal.

I’ve stated it before, but Basil doesn’t really get along that well with Vic. He’s indifferent to most people, but he actually dislikes Victor and Jim. Why you might ask? Because they’re going after his girls. Yes HIS girls, that is how he sees them. It’s not jealousy though, there’s nothing to be jealous of. He simply doesn’t think they’re good enough. Victor is unpredictable, brash and reactive, often times getting Y/N hurt either emotionally or physically. Basil also thinks Victor to be stupid (which he is not, Victor just doesn’t really share his knowledge with anyone. He liked being seen as the goofy assassin) Basil once tried to kill Victor when Y/N got seriously hurt (of course Victor wasn’t taking it lightly either, he was probably pissed at himself already) and only Y/N herself was able to stop him. Since then he can be Civil for her sake, but he wouldn’t hesitate to kill Victor the second something he did for her killed.

Basil is also capable of being Civil with Jim. I mean he was able to convince Oliver Queen that he was a friend, how hard would it be to feign an acquaintanceship with the cop? But unlike with Victor where he’s more likely to give the man the silent treatment, he is vocal when Jim does something he doesn’t approve of. Y/N is grown, she can protect herself, but despite Maggie being almost three years older than him, he most definitely views her like a child. And he’s seen first hand how fragile she is. He doesn’t appreciate the Detective playing with Maggie’s emotions. Y/N probably had to remind him sometimes that Maggie is infact a big girl and can handle herself. But even she babies the girl sometimes, so who is she to judge. Maggie’s fiercely overprotective of the two of them.

Now when V comes along… oh dear god. My boy is a MESS. That’s a child! That’s a literal CHILD!!!! His own little sister 🥺. If Maggie thought he was overbearing with her, Lord did she underestimate him. He is fucking putty in V’s hands. Anything the girl wants, she gets. He can’t say no to her. I mean do you blame him? She bats her eyes and his brain just shuts off. He doesn’t like touch much, but Maggie and V are the only two he seeks that sort of comfort with. Yeah, Y/N is allowed to touch him, but that’s not really the nature of their relationship. Maggie almost always initiates touch with him. But with V, he just picks her up all the time. He keeps her close whenever he can cause he likes having her around.

Basil cares as little about Oliver’s team as he does about his sisters team in the DEO. He’ll come if they really need him, but his top priority is protecting immediate family. Sure would Maggie be devastated if he let Oliver or Thea die? Of course, but that didn’t matter, because she would be safe, and he could be there to console her. He tries not to have to visit National city or Star City much because faking all the time got tiring.

I don’t think this man has ever actually smiled in his entire life. Yeah he can be a cocky shit, and besides a frown, a smirk is the only other thing that’s graces his face. But he doesn’t smile. Now that doesn’t mean he’s not happy; he just doesn’t know hot to convey that. But his happiness is reserved for family, and they’re able to read him just fine.

Uncle Harvey:

Totally doesn’t accidentally blame himself for Y/N addiction problem. He was supposed to be the one “good” constant in her life. He arrested the girl enough times, that she began to jokingly refer to him as “Uncle Harvey” and that’s sort of how their relationship went. He was willing to turn the other way on somethings as long as she never took things too far. The couple of times she’d shown up at his apartment and needed a place to stay, sure he was always nice to her, but there were always empty bottles around. I’m pretty sure it’s cannon in show he has an alcohol problem. Harvey wasn’t a saint, but he at least tried to help Gotham.

I high key get Dad vibes from him. I think Harvey originally wanted children, but something went wrong for him. The way he looked at Scottie in that one episode, I could just tell he wanted to start a family with her. And he grew Bitter and pessimistic after things fell apart and he fell more into his bad habits. Probably convincing himself he didn’t deserve that family he had in his head anymore. So when Maggie came around and actually wanted to spend time with him, he was annoyed at first. But it grew on him. And he saw the same thing in Jim when he looked at Bruce and Selena. He’s got his own little unconventional family now. Jim, his partner in crime, Y/N, Maggie and Bruce. He doesn’t really interact with V or Basil much, and he avoid Victor at all costs! Selena isn’t much of a fan of his either. But he already has his hands full.

Harvey shows up when things are important. Maggie’s goes back to school and is graduating? He’ll be there. Y/N is having a mental breakdown and has no one else to turn to, he’s all ears. Bruce throws one of his Gala’s Harvey is always on time. He’s supportive when they’re doing well, and a little more lenient than Jim when they fuck up. A few slaps on the wrist never hurt anybody right? Harvey wasn’t perfect, why should he expect them to be? He’s been in Gotham longer than the Young Detective and doesn’t have his same blind optimism. He understands there can never be no crime in Gotham City, that’s simply not how things work.

An: yea I included Harvey, I love him and I don’t include him enough in stuff. So deal with it 😈

[glitch-in-the-code]

Idea 4: Vanny comes back

I'm gonna be honest, this one is my personal favorite, and I am quite surprised that it hasn't been done yet.* Think of the angst potential!

*This is no longer true

Imagine it's been a few weeks since the 3 star ending and the 3 goobers are getting more acclimated to living with each other. Gregory is getting used to the fact that he has 2 adult figures that actually care about him. Vanessa’s nightmares are starting to become less severe. Freddy’s head was reattached to his body, and he now remotely controls a child-size bear doll (like a Lonely Freddy but not evil) so he can still easily be with Gregory when he isn't at the pizzaplex.

The day would start like any other: everyone wakes up, goes through their morning routines, and eats some breakfast. Gregory finishes first and gets up to go and wash off his plate in the sink. That is when it happens, Vanessa starts to feel a little off, like she is moving slower than normal. At first, she brushes it off as her still waking up. Then she hears a voice… a voice she only hears in her worst nightmares… VANNYS voice. Vanessa would then discover that she could no longer move or speak. She could only watch as she felt herself get up from her chair, and pick up a knife from off of the counter. The reason that she still has any knives at all is for Gregory to use to spread various condiments on his school sandwiches when he makes them.

Meanwhile, Gregory and Freddy are near the sink, having a conversation about Freddy's obsession with dad jokes or something (You are the Morbest superstar!) They turn around, preparing to return to Gregory's room to get ready for school, and they see Vanessa, holding a knife. Gregory would feel a sharp twinge of betrayal before looking at Vanessa's face to see that her calm green eyes, ones that had reassured him after many a nightmare, were now glowing a sickly purple. Freddy and Gregory would realize that the person in front of them was no longer Vanessa, but Vanny.

Vanny raises her arm, Gregory is looking for a way out. He is also preparing for the possibility of being killed, and he doesn't want to give Vanny the satisfaction of being scared if that happens. Through all this, Vanessa is trying desperately to retake control, all the while Vanny mocks her efforts, making sure that Vanessa won't be able to mentally look away from her worst fear, the death of her savior by her own hands. Freddy is preparing to try and jump in front of Gregory at the last second to try and cushion the blow of the knife using his plush form.

Just before Vanny is able to deliver the killing blow, she disappears. No warning at all, like a true glitch, Freddy and Gregory watch as Vanessa's eyes flicker from purple back to green, drops the knife and collapses to the floor, hugs herself and sits in complete silence for a few seconds before bursting into hysterical tears.

That is where I will leave it, what happens next is for y'all to decide!

OHHH,,, THIS….. THIS IS HEART BREAKING AND I LOVE IT

[themonkeycabal]

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier ep 2

Spoilers!

Last week Bucky was a terrible patient and his new BFF is the father of a guy he killed while he was the Winter Soldier (so super healthy), Sam gave up Cap's shield and returned home to try to help salvage the family business (that went poorly), and some — I guess he must be from the Defense Department — dick made a big speech about needing heroes and he gave the shield to some goober (John Walker, but he'll always be Goober to me) in a Cap suit who strongly reminded me of Langly from the Lone Gunmen. (I'm not familiar with the actor, so I don't know what he actually looks like, but the helmet and the camera angle did him no favors at all, I'm just saying. Super punchable.)

Oh, and Sam has an adorable little minion named Lt. Torres who is getting himself into trouble with some weirdass terrorist group who like to slap red handprints on everything.

Zemo's out there lurking, too, but we haven't seen him yet.

I'm still slightly dazed that this show is real and we get to watch it.

Ep2: The Star-Spangled Man

Weird slow-mo opening shot of a close up of somebody unzipping their jacket. I mean. Okay. (Ohhh, it's the garment bag the Cap suit is in.)

And then we're on to Goober, he's wearing BDUs and he's in a football locker room (maybe high school?), fondling the lockers. He peels a name sticker off one, and underneath it says JW 10. A woman comes in and asks if he's reliving his glory days. They yada yada I don't care.

Now I guess they're talking about him becoming Captain America. "Everybody in the world expects me to be … something. And I don't want to fail them." She tells him to be himself and that they're gonna love him. Well, I've already decided he's a goober. I mean, he might not be, but he's got a hill to climb with me.

He spends a few seconds trying out his Captain America voice, then his buddy Hoskins comes in to talk him through it and give us some exposition. "Two weeks ago we were prepping for a special ops mission to Chile and now this."

Goober whines about how it's been handshakes and meetings and senators and whatnot and he just wants to get to it. But his buddy is all, that's part of the job man. Gotta glad-hand, too. You big baby (he doesn't say that part).

"You can't just punch your way out of problems anymore." Well, I mean, I think that was Steve's MO, mostly. That and 'hit it with the shield until it stops moving'.

Nu Cap is making a big showy thing at a rally at his old high school (Custer's Grove HS, GA) stadium for Good Morning America. He's still looking punchable in that helmet. But, they do bring out a kicking marching band, so there's that. It's a boring GMA interview. I don't care.

"John Walker, first person in American history to receive three Medals of Honor. Ran RS-One missions in counter-terrorism and hostage rescue. The government did a study of your body at MIT and you tested off the charts in every measurable category — speed, endurance, intelligence." (I legit laughed out loud. Lookit Captain Gary Stu over here)

Blah blah super humble yada yada. Just wants to make people feel safe, he has sooooo much respect for Steve Rogers, yada. Look, he could be a great guy and maybe I'll warm to him. But not yet!

Back in Brooklyn, Bucky's watching this and his face is all "No! No? What the shit is this? NO! NO? WHU NO?! No." Also, Bucky, I know you have a couch, why are you sitting on the floor? Love yourself just a little bit, dude.

In Louisiana Sam is in an Air Force hanger, staring at a garish 'Cap is Back' poster and looking a little queasy. Rhodey told you, subtly and not really directly, to not give up the shield, buddy. I hope when Bucky gets there the first thing he says is "He gave the shield to *you*, dummy. Not Captain Gary Poppins over there."

Torres says Nu Cap seems like a good guy. Sam's like, uh-huh, sure, so anyway. There's another "cap is back" poster and Sam's like 'ugh'. And they're off to Munich. I guess for the Flag Bros. Hey! There's Bucky! Finally, they're in the same scene. It's been nearly sixty minutes of screen time to get to this moment, Marvel. No, I wasn't counting.

"Shouldn't have given up the shield." lol. Hi Bucky! You forgot to call him a dummy.

Sam's like I haven't got time for this. And Bucky points to the umpteenth Cap is Back poster (seriously? Good lord.) "You didn't know that was going to happen?"

  Sam did not know that was going to happen. "You think it didn't break my heart to see them march him out there and call him the new Captain America?"

Bucky will not let this go. "You had no right to give up the shield, Sam." You tell him!

But, Sam's kind of not in the mood. Look, I get it Sam, you didn't feel equal to the shield, but Steve gave it to you because he knows, my dude. Trust him. Come on.

But, he's feeling very raw about this, right now. "This is what you're not gonna do. You're not gonna come here in your overextended life and tell me about my rights." Well, ouch. 

He says he's got bigger things to worry about, but that seems unpossible to Bucky "What could be bigger than this?" Terrorist douchebags wearing funny masks in Eastern and Central Europe. Well, fine, Sam; be all puts-things-in-perspective guy.

Redwing traced the far-too-strong maybe leader to a place in Munich. For some reason Bucky does not have good feelings about Redwing. Uh-oh, Bucky, you're going to extra hurt Sam's feelings.

Oh lol, it's the "Big Three" convo. "What big three?" "Androids, aliens, and wizards." Still funny. Sam's so proud of himself.

"I'm coming with you." "No, you're not." Bucky went with him.

Did they glare at each other the whole way to Munich? lol. I love this show so much already.

"Enjoy the ride, Buck." "No, you can't call me that." "Why not? That's what Steve called you." "Steve knew me longer. And Steve had a plan." lol, Steve Rogers never had a plan a day in his life.

Bucky wants a chute, but Torres who wisely stayed out of all of that, is like we're way too low for a chute. "I don't need it anyway." Then Bucky drama school bitch rips off the left sleeve of his jacket and jumps out while yelling like the dumbass he is. And he hits every branch of the dumbass tree on his way to the ground.

"I have all of that on camera, you know that right?" And Redwing zooms by to hovers over Bucky. So, maybe it's not a mystery why he doesn't like Redwing. lol.

Bucky and Sam meet up at a dilapidated warehouse in the middle of the forest. Only good things ever happen in dilapidated warehouses in forests. Like extra shady weapons smuggling. Bucky's gonna stalk after them. Sam messes with him a bit.

"Look at you all stealthy. A little time in Wakanda and you come out White Panther." lol. ilu Sam. "It's actually White Wolf." "Huh?" heh. What he won’t tell you, Sam, is that he earned the name from the kids near his goat farm who liked to spy on and giggle at the grumpy growly white guy. 

"Hello. How are you?" "Great. What did I miss?" They're a delightful disaster! And they bicker and bicker and ahh, finally.

Also the people they're stalking are hella strong. And then these two idiots knock into an old bit of metal and make some noise. The shady people stop for a mo' but then move on. Sam scans one of the trucks the shady folks were loading (there are two), there's a figure sitting in the back. "There's an eighth person. I think they have a hostage." And Bucky zooms off! And Sam after him.

Bucky jumps onto the lead truck and then just like wanders around inside. I'm pretty sure the truck behind you noticed you, dummy. Anyway, it's loaded with crates marked "keep frozen." "They're stealing medicine. Vaccines." Those utter bastards. He spots a girl peeking out between containers. "Hi." lol, idiot.

He thinks it's the hostage, but I'm waiting for her to kick his butt out the door. She's not, you know, tied up in anyway. So … Also, again, does the second truck not have a radio to the first truck? Like was the driver texting while Bucky climbed up the back of the truck right in front of him? Now he's strangely incurious about the open door?

And, then she smiles at him and kicks him out the door, he hits the windshield of the second truck (maybe they've finally noticed you, Bucky!) and she puts on a mask with a red handprint. As you do. Two guys on the roof of truck 2, pull Bucky up ready to beat him silly.

Super strong girl, jumps over to truck two and punches Bucky some more. The Redwing zooms over and she jumps up, grabs it, and smashes it over her knee.

"I always wanted to do that," Bucky says, sad he didn't get the chance.

Sam shows up, there are more guys on the roof of the other truck. And there's fighting and fighting and then Sam is pinned down and the bad guy gets plonked with the shield and here comes Captain Poppins dropping down out of a helicopter. What timing. The CGI and green screen for this whole sequence are pretty dire. I'm sorry but it's true.

Captain Poppins is joined by his buddy Hoskins. "Sam. John Walker, Captain America." They know who you are, goober. Though, pausing to introduce yourself in the middle of the fight is a very Steve Rogers move, so points for that, Goober.

Lol, the look on Bucky's face when he catches the shield and Goober takes it from him. He's like 'rule two, rule two, rule two, remember rule two.'

Lots of fighting lots of fighting. Bucky is knocked off the side of the truck, he digs in and sort of zippers down the side, and then hangs off the bottom, his head inches from a tire, clinging to the underside by his vibranium arm. A bad guy stomps on it. Um, it's vibranium, guy. Like … though, somehow it works? and Bucky's arm sort of flops onto the road, sending up sparks. Sam does a neat little move, flies under the two trucks, grabbing Bucky as he goes, and knocking them both free.  None of that worked out particularly well, guys.

"Could have used that shield," Bucky says helpfully. lol. "Those were all super soldiers, Sam." Well, bummer.

Back on the trucks, I think Hoskins is in trouble. Cap Goober is pulling himself back up. Hoskins is thrown from the truck, but Cap Goober tosses the shield and Hoskins lands on that. Now Goober squares off against super soldier chick. He does not fare well. And he's thrown from the truck to land on the windshield of a following car. You know, if I'm driving down the road and I see people fighting on a pair of big rigs, I don't follow close. You know what I'm saying? I maybe pull over and let them get way far away from me. Anyway, sorry for your body damage.

Bucky and Sam walk along the road, a pair of sad sad heroes who did not have a plan.

"I'm sorry about Redwing." "No, you're not."

Cap Goober turns up in a sorry looking vehicle of some sort. "So that didn't go as planned." Bucky and Sam keep walking. lol

So Goober's vehicle keeps pace with the disaster duo. "We're pretty sure it's one of the Big Three."

Bucky: "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS WIZARDS!" That's his hill, he'll die on it.

Since it's super soldiers, and that's bad news, Cap Goober thinks they should work together. Sam's quiet but not thrilled. Bucky is not quiet. "Just 'cause you carry that shield, it doesn't mean you're Captain America."

Cap Goober has apparently jumped on a grenade 4 times. "It's a thing I do with my helmet. It's reinforced." Okay, I laughed.

He persuades them to ride with him, because it's like 20 miles to the airport. It's probably for the best, since I'm pretty sure they might try to strangle each other in five.

"They (Flag Haters Anonymous) say their mission is to get things back to the way they were during the blip." This group's goals are so hazy and weird.

oh, lol. Sam wanted to know how they tracked the Flag Smashers, and Hoskins is like, um, actually, we tracked redwing. "It's not exactly hacking," Captain Goober explains, "it's government property. We're kind of the government." Not winning any points, Goober.

Bucky's just glaring at him.  "Does he always just stare like that?" lol

We get a bit of exposition about a group called the GRC, the Global Repatriation Council, which is tasked with helping the previously blipped reintegrate. Sam's like, okay, and? Hoskins explains "they provide the resources, and we keep things stable." The GRC sounds even more make believe than super soldiers, to be honest. But, whatever. Not here to analyze the bizarre and unlikely geopolitics of the MCU. Cap Goober makes a pitch for Sam and Bucky to sign up but Bucky is very firm about his "No".

Hoskins insists he has mad respect for them, but they were getting their asses kicked until he and goober showed up. Um, Hoskins, my dude, you also got your ass kicked.

Bucky stares for a second. "Who are you?" "Lamar Hoskins." Sam insists he needs more than that. "I'm Battlestar. John's partner."

Bucky says Mm hmm. Stop the car. And he's gone.

Cap Goober gives a pitch to Sam about how he's not trying to be Steve, or replace him, he's just trying to do his best and be the best Captain America he can, and it'd be great to have Cap's 'wingmen' on his side. I sense sincerity, but you're still punchable, goober. And Sam isn't buying it either. He shakes his head and laughs bitterly, "It's always that last line." He hops out and follows Bucky.

Elsewhere, the super terrorists have reached a safe house with a way too chatty dude who is trying to make them at home in his dicey looking shopfront. He rattles on about how they're becoming legends and the people love them because they're pushing back! Against … the GRC? I guess?

Super soldier girl (Karli) gets a hate text. "You took what is mine. I'm going to find you and kill you." Well, sleep tight, sister!

One of the other guys has already logged into a computer system and he starts hacking and wiping their info off the internets and interpol, I guess.

"Six months ago would you have imagined people supporting a cause like this?" I'm still very unclear on what your cause is.

Maybe I'm overthinking the silly superhero universe, but I can't imagine the blip world was wonderful. You're missing half the people. So half of everybody who'd do various jobs. So half of the knowledge base of humanity on earth. Half of the experience base of humanity on earth. Half of the farmers, half of the engineers, half of the doctors, half of the people who maintain any system you can imagine, half of the people who build those systems, half of the teachers, half of the factory workers, half of the grandparents who pass down stories and community knowledge, half of the animals, half of the fish, half of the insects and so half of the plants. Ecosystems could easily collapse. Certainly infrastructure did, with half of the people needed to maintain it gone. Cities would have started to crumble, since half of the sources of goods, food, and services were gone. (we did have something of a real-world equivalent in Europe during the Black Death. Things were not nice for quite a long while after the worst years of the plague.)

I'm sure there would be areas that did better than others. But, half of any government gone, half of any police, half of any military. There would be power vacuums and probably shitheads to fill them. I don't see any particular utopia in a blip-ified world.

And that's not even taking into account the psychological damage to all the unblipped. The pure existential horror of half of everything suddenly gone.

But, that aside. I like genuinely do not know what they're trying to achieve.  

"We're not playing no more," announces Karli. "We can't let the same assholes who were put back in power after the Blip win." Literally do not know what that means. "The GRC care more about the people who came back than the ones who never left." I mean … isn't that literally what they're for? "We got a glimpse of how things could be." Chaotic and apocalyptic? In fairness, I guess if you could carve out your own thing in that, and maybe it could even be good, then you'd be bitter if everybody came back all of a sudden and messed that up. I'm sure the power struggles are real.

"One world! One people!" Okaly-dokaly. Fascinated to see how you eight will achieve that.

Bucky's brooding on a plane, Sam's trying to sleep but the brooding is too much to ignore.

"You alright?" "Let's take the shield, Sam. Let's take the shield and do this ourselves." He's using his almost scary Winter Soldier voice. And staring into the void. Sam, call his doctor. She needs to remind him of rules one and two. "We can't just run up on a man, beat him up, and take it." Good point, Sam. For real, call Bucky's doctor. He's going to the scary illegal place.

"Do you remember what happened the last time we stole it?" "Maybe." lol such a petulant little grumpus you are, Bucky. "I'll help you in case you forgot. Sharon was branded an enemy of the state and Steve and I were on the run for two years." Not everybody was lucky enough to have a goat farm during all that, Bucky. That's what the man's saying.

"We just got our ass handed to us by super soldiers and we got nothing." "That's not entirely true," Bucky says mysteriously. And he jumps down off his brooding crate to go sit next to Sam. "There is someone that you should meet."

Baltimore, Maryland

Sam has a cute aside with a neighborhood kid, then Bucky leads him up to a house that has seen better days. Somebody answers the door and Bucky says they're there to see Isaiah. But, the young guy who answers the door insists there's no Isaiah there. He's not very welcoming. Bucky says "tell him the guy from the bar in Goyang is here." The things you got up to, Bucky. I do wonder. "We had a skirmish during the Korean war." oh, lol. I mean, I'm sure it's a horrible story, but lol, Bucky you disaster.

Oh hey, Carl Lumbly! Gosh, I haven't seen him in an age. I almost didn't recognize him.

"He was a hero. One of the ones that Hydra feared the most. Like Steve. We met in '51." "If by met, you mean I whupped your ass, then, yeah." lol

Isaiah says he took part of Bucky's arm in Goyang and he just wanted to see if it grew back. And if Bucky was there to kill him. Bucky says he's not a killer anymore.

"You think you can wake up one day and decide who you wanna be?" Well, sure. "It doesn't work like that." Oh, but it must, or else what's the point? Isaiah has a lot of reasons to be bitter, though. 

"Isaiah, the reason we're here, is because there's more of you and me out there. And we need to know how."

This does not please Isaiah, who doesn't want to talk and throws a can of sardines (or something, I don't know what that was) through the wall. Old but still super solidery.

"You know what they did to me for being a hero? They put my ass in jail for 30 years." Um, wow. "People running tests, taking my blood, coming into my cell. Even your people weren't done with me." Well, that's deeply uncool. He very much wants his unwelcome guests to GFO, and I can't say I blame him.  

Sam is super pissed once they get out onto the street. "Why didn't you tell me about Isaiah?" Bucky doesn't answer. "I asked you a question, Bucky." Yikes.

And no, Steve never knew, because Bucky never told him. "So you're telling me there was a black super soldier decades ago and nobody knew about it?" I guess so.

And we're interrupted by a bizarre random encounter with presumably racist cops. They stop them in the street, get weird about asking for ID, and then ask Bucky, "is this guy bothering you?" And Bucky's like what in the actual fuck, he looks like a high school chem teacher and I look like the muscle for a loan shark, "no he's not bothering me. Do you know who he is?" Oh to be the Winter Soldier again for just a moment, eh? Anyway, one of the dipshits recognizes Sam and they get all dipshitty apologetic. "oh, Mr. Wilson, we're so sorry."

Oh, lol, they're going to arrest Bucky. There's a warrant out for him, because he missed his therapy session. I told somebody to call his therapist! I want to know which of those dipshits ran Sam and Bucky for wants. Because that’s not automatic or some shit, somebody’s got to call it in. 

Sam's like 'well that took a weird turn.'

Sam and Dr Raynor meet at whatever facility they’re holding Bucky. "Thanks for getting him out." "That was not me," the doctor assures him. Nope, it was Captain Goober, who greets the doctor with a wave. "Christina! It's great to see you again." lol. And Sam's day gets worse.

"I heard you were working with Bucky and thought I'd step in. Bucky's not going to be working on a strict schedule any longer." 

She's like, uh what? Says who? And he points at himself. okay, again, lol. Though, it’s weird to me how he insists on calling Bucky ‘Bucky’, like they’re buddies. They’re not buddies. Bucky's going to punch him in the face. 

"He's too valuable an asset to have him tied up. So just do whatever you've got to do with him, then send him off to me." Will Bucky turn around and go right back into his holding cell?

Dr's not going to let him. "James, condition of your release, session now. You too, Sam." "That's okay. I'll be out here with…" "That wasn't a request." Poor Sam. He has had THE WORST DAY.

I love Bucky slouching against the sergeant's desk all surly, like a 16 year old who got busted for boosting his grandmother's car.

Dr Raynor settles them all in what I assume is an interrogation room. She tells Bucky she just wants to help him get over whatever is eating at him. I guess she figures Sam could help with that, too?

"We're going to do an exercise. It's something I use with couples when they are trying to figure out what kind of life they want to build together." lol. but of course. a million fic writers deliriously rush to their keyboards.  

"Are you familiar with the miracle question?" "Absolutely not." "Of course not." heh "Okay, it goes like this. Suppose that while you're sleeping, a miracle occurs. When you wake up, what is something that you would like to see that would make your life better?"

Bucky says his miracle would be Sam talking less. Sam says that's what he was going to say. Dr Raynor is writing fic of her own. "You guys are leaving me no choice. It's time for the soul-gazing exercise." This is the weirdest therapy session ever.

Bucky is very on board. Sam's like 'what have you done? staring? that's his thing!'

"Let's do it. Let's stare. This is a good exercise. Thanks, doc." Bucky, you little asshole. lol

How many takes to do this scene? I can tell they're trying not to laugh. "Take 57. It's 1:30 am, guys. Please, can we get it this time?"

"Wait, what are you doing? Are you having a staring contest?" What about these two men's attitudes walking into the room suggested they were going to be at all mature about this, Doc?

"James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don't say something childish." She knows you too well, Buck.

Oh, Bucky. He wants to know why Sam gave up the shield, because Steve believed in him, gave him the shield for a reason. But, maybe Steve was wrong about Sam and if he was wrong about Sam, then he was wrong about Bucky.

Sam, has his reasons. He says maybe Bucky and Steve can't understand, but he wants to know if Bucky can accept that he did what he thought was right. Poor Sam.

And Sam's had enough. He says they've got bigger shit going on and he'll put whatever this issue is aside for now, and they'll go take care of that, and then he and Bucky can never see each other again. "Thanks doc, for making it weird. I feel much better."

She's like, well shit.

Bucky leaves as well, but she stops him. "I know that look. What's wrong?" "What was rule two again?" "Don't hurt anyone." "Goodbye, doc."

I think maybe she miscalculated a tiny bit.

"I feel better," Sam grumbles. "I feel awful," Bucky sighs.

And down the street Captain Goober and Hoskins starts chirping a police siren at them and they wave them over. "Gentlemen!" I really want Bucky to punch him just once.

Goober wants them to join forces. They're tracking Karli through various displaced communities in Europe.  She's the flag stompers leader, I guess? She's like … 16. DOUBT.

Anyway, she's do-goodering by stealing medicine and taking it to the displaced camps. I'm confused. So, post-blip, people who'd not blipped are now suddenly being displaced? I thought the displaced where the blipped trying to reintegrate. But, she was mad at the GRC for only caring about the blipped not the unblipped (which, again is the GRC's raison d'être, so yes?). I feel like I'm missing something.

Bucky snarks at Goober a bit. He's not a fan at all. "Things are really intense for you, aren't they, Walker?" 

Sam's like okay, let's all simmer down. "It is imperative that we find them and stop them." But, also, though, he and Bucky are free agents, so they're more flexible than mister "i'm the government" over there.

Captain Goober doesn't care for that. "Word of advice, then. Stay the hell out of my way." Don't push your luck, goober.

Bratislava, Slovakia

Flag Stompers loading a small plane. Uh oh, they've been found out! Karli asks how much time they have. "None. It's the Power Broker's men." The Power Broker. See, that's the kind of jackassery you get in a Blip scenario. That's what I'm talking about. Did you steal super soldier serum from this guy, Karli? Hmmm? One noble Flag Stomper offers to stay behind and hold them off while they make their escape, for One World! One People! Dream big, kid.

He knocks down a power pole to block the road but then he runs at the badder guys? And gets himself shot a zillionty times. I … he'd already blocked the road? Why not just … you know what? Never mind.

Back to Bucky and Sam and Bucky with an idea that might just be worse than the self-sacrificing Flag Stomper's run-at-the-badder-guys-for-great-justice idea. He suggests that perhaps somebody who knows all of Hydra's secrets can give them the answers they need. 

"So you're just going to go sit in a room with this guy?" "Ye-… yes," Bucky says, absolutely oozing with confidence.

Off to see Zemo! I'm sure that will go terribly! Can't wait!

And Credits!

Not gonna lie. I'm not sure how I feel about this episode. It felt a little disjointed.

I don't get the Flag Munchers, but I'm thinking they're just a red herring. Because they're basically utopian idealist twelve-year olds with nice but vague goals and vague iffy means to achieve those goals. I don't feel they're a whole lot more than some misguided kids who grew up in a blipped world and change is difficult and scary (and I’m sure it’s probably managed poorly. I can’t think of anything less efficient than a global council for anything. you could have a global council for dirt and it would be a bureaucratic nightmare). And they probably stole super soldier serum from somebody way scarier. Dummies. I think they're going to need to be rescued at some point. Probably soonish.

As for that other guy. There's moments where I like John Walker a little bit, and moments where I find him really aggravating. I get they want to make him the super-duper bestest perfectest hero, or that’s why he was chosen by the DoD or whatever, but part of Steve's charm was he wasn't perfect. He wasn't Captain America because he won a million awards, he was Cap because he had a good heart. That's the point. THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD BE CAP, SAM!

Also, I don't like hard feelings between Sam and Bucky. Though, nothing about their history would suggest an easy friendship (one time Sam was driving in his car and Bucky ripped the damn steering wheel out), so that's not a complaint, it just makes me sad. They really only have a connection because of Steve and he's gone. Be friends, guys!

And finally, when will Sharon Carter return from being an enemy of the state?

[silver-snow-writes]

The thing with Jaytim and a lot of cats

This is a not! fic campfire I did on a discord server that I’m porting over here, I hope y’all enjoy the fluff. @inkyubus and @salazarastark helped a bit towards the end

———————————————————————

Okay. Tim is canonically a cat person and it has annoyed the hell out of me that Tim never got pets but Damian gets a menagerie, so I always give him a cat when given the opportunity by plot

Tim finds a pregnant kitty on his fire escape, and takes her in. He’s calling on Selina and googling everything he can after processing that oh right this is going to be a big change, and goes out to the pet store incognito to grab supplies

But he’s at the Crime Alley theater house apartment so Jason is out doing an early evening patrol, spots him, and gets curious. What’s he doing around here in civvies?

Jason tails him to the nearest pet shop, and back to his house, where he spots him playing with soon-to-be mama cat. He wants to be mad that Tim’s in *his* territory, clearly living here, but it’s hard to get too pissed when he’s giving a happy kitty belly rubs and smiling like that.

Jason’s seen him do confident Robin grin, dangerous “I’m gonna fuck you up” battle smirk, calming civilians smile, even polite Wayne heir curve of the lips. But smiling joyfully like this, eyes uncovered, clearly laughing a little as the cat demands treats? Something goes warm in his chest

Meanwhile Tim is feeling tired and stressed bc his life is a busy exhausting and traumatizing mess lately but it’s hard to think about the bad stuff when he has mama cat and her litter to think about. She’s clearly been a pet before and is so friendly and cuddly that it breaks his heart to think someone abandoned her. He gets her to the vet to check for a chip and get her looked over, and when there’s no chip that cements his decision that fuck it, he’s keeping her

He totally names her Arwen bc there is no way in hell a kid that was a DM for DC’s D&D equivalent isn’t a fan of LoTR. Arwen has to get mites and fleas removed but once she’s flea free she’s sharing his bed

Jason. Is still keeping an eye on him, subtly. Staying out of range of Tim’s security systems and Babs’s cameras and telling himself it’s all because he can’t just let the Pretender go unsupervised in his turf. And sure that’s part of it. But Tim’s actually pretty good about sticking to patrolling his own territory and that helps somewhat

And well. Jason regrets what went down during that mess after Bruce died. Was kinda shitty of him to repay Tim letting him out of jail by stabbing him in the chest and all. He’s a big awkward goober dealing with some guilt now that he’s more settled, so he has trouble figuring out how he should approach Tim and let him know that Jason is aware that he’s holing up in Crime Alley

He’s gotta do something eventually, right? Ah well. Can’t hurt to just. Watch him, every now and then. See him through the windows being a goofy new cat dad and a disaster of a teenage vigilante

(Jason, honey, things really have come full circle)

Eventually things get set in motion. LoS assassins attack Tim’s apartment, Arwen runs away bc scared kitty, Jason jumps in to help fight the assassins and then they go track down the poor baby. And some bonding and pining bc Jason is developing such a crush and also hot damn Tim fighting and winning is a sight to see

Tim is understandably wary about Jason but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt when he’s being helpful and even offering to assist him in finding Arwen. She’s due to give birth soon!

(It’s been about a month now and she was already about midway through when Tim first found her. Domestic cats are pregnant around 57-65 days, so around two months)

They end up running around asking the ladies of the night and various others if they’ve seen a pregnant long-haired tabby cat. Eventually they go back to Tim’s apartment as dawn is breaking, only to find Arwen is on his fire escape again and in labor

They get her inside, clean up, and Tim sets her down in his bathtub, petting her soothingly and fussing over her. Jason is still helping out and he just goes with it, gratefully accepting a can of Zesti and medical supplies

I foster cats irl so I know how this tends to go pretty well. Within an hour of labor starting Arwen will finish pushing out kitten #1 and each of the rest will come around 15-20 minutes apart. She’ll clean them up and eat the placentas, which is gross but perfectly healthy, and soon enough they’ll be nursing from her while she purrs and rests

Tim looked into it and well. He’s been around human deliveries before and this was honestly so much quicker that it was a relief

(He was there when Steph gave birth and has likely helped deliver babies as Robin bc pregnant women can and will go into labor when shocked, like being held hostage or getting hurt in an accident)

He sits back with a sigh and pays his full attention to Jason now. He hasn’t been fully ignoring him persay, still keeping an eye and an ear on him just in case, but he’s been. Surprisingly nice and nothing but helpful, Tim isn’t sure what to think of it. Jason’s staring at the kittens but turns to look at Tim when he notices that the younger vigilante is assessing him

There’s a long moment of increasingly awkward silence as they stare at each other while the newborn kittens are mewling and Arwen’s drifting off to sleep. Jason is the one that finally breaks the tension, rubbing the back of his neck and looking back at the kitties.

“So. Pretty cute cats you got here”

Jay immediately cringes inside because yeah, it’s true that the cats are cute as heck, but c’mon Todd address the scenario

Here’s inky’s contributions:

"yeah real cute when they're covered in blood and placenta" tim retorts and then wants to smack himself.

"it's ok. they're still adorable through the bodily fluids," jason's smile is so fond when he looks down at the kittens tucked tight into the curve of arwen's body that tim thinks he must be dreaming

he's never seen jason with an expression even close to fond or happy since he came back. jason is stroking arwen's tail with just the tip of a finger, smoothing down the crooked fur.

(Back to me again)

He hasn’t seen him look so happy since he was. Since he was Robin, and Tim was just a fanboy with a camera

(Inky)

"you like cats?" the question breaks jason out of his reverie.

"they were just always around. alley cats are cranky fucks, but city strays are never that afraid of humans. they'd come around and beg for scraps until someone chased them off."

tim hummed, scritching arwen between the ears. "you were pretty good with her just now."

there was a tiny flush on jason's cheeks. "might have invited one in for a few days when no one was home. chased her off before she could get too attached."

(Me)

“I always wanted a cat, but my parents hated them and Alfred said no. I found Arwen on my fire escape hiding from a stray dog and I just had to take her inside”

Eventually Tim offers Jason a cup of tea and Jason asks about the cats more. Arwen’s name comes up and leads into a talk about Lord of the Rings, bc they both read the series and loved it. And a debate comes up over something they saw differently but it’s still friendly

Maybe Tim liked the movies’ take better than Jason did and they argue the merits vs flaws of the adaption. But they both agree that the Hobbit movies are way less faithful to the book

By the time they’re done with the tea and their conversation the sun is up and Jason ducks out to go home, feeling butterflies in his stomach at the memory of Tim smiling and laughing at him. Tim is reminded why he used to have a crush, but still very watchful bc he thought things were getting better before BftC happened

He goes to sleep and wakes up to Arwen balefully glaring at him bc her breakfast is late

Tim got injured during the LoS fight and aggravated it while looking for his poor kitty, so in the end he’s not really up for patrol that night. He stays in his apartment and alternates between looking over case files on his laptop and checking on Arwen and her babies. He lets Oracle know he’s off rotation for the night and to let Cass patrol his territory bc she’s visiting, and settles in to do some hacking to find out why Ra’s sent the assassins last night and talking with Lonnie about Unternet developments

He’s in the middle of hacking a phone’s datastream to find footage taken by a teenager that noticed skulking shadows outside the windows when there’s a knock on his window, and he checks his security system expecting one of the Bats to have gotten past his sensors. It’s Jason out on the fire escape with a couple of bags in hand. Tim is confused, but decides to roll with it again. He’s just hoping that the duffle isn’t full of heads

Turns out Jason went looking and found the League’s newest base in Gotham, liberating some paper files, a couple choice weapons, several USB drives, and a laptop that had belonged to the squad leader. He offers to let Tim work with him on this because he wants “those sycophantic assassins out of my territory dammit” and obviously Tim’s involved anyway

They both check on the kittens every now and then. They’re still too little to be doing much but nursing, sleeping, and crying, but god are they precious. And Arwen is a tired but proud mama cat

Now let’s see...Arwen’s a long-haired brown tabby with green eyes (not at all based on my baby Zelda, of course *shhh*). The kittens will be named after the Hobbits—Frodo the black kitten with big blue eyes, Sam the ginger tabby, Merry is white with golden patches, and Pippin is the tiny little tabby runt that mewls loudest

At one point Jason picks them all up and makes a joke while carrying the four of them that they're taking the hobbits to Isengard. It makes Tim snort and then wince bc the injury that kept him in was to his ribs

Tim gets sick. Not like immediately but a couple days to a week or two in, and Jason ends up playing rough but sweet nurse while Tim tries to hide that he’s ill from the Bats. Maybe the ribs issue leads to him getting a cold that nearly turns nasty bc no spleen plus two incidents of death plague and numerous other things mean his immune system’s wonky

Tim’s a stubborn little shit who won’t stay in bed unless Jason picks up Arwen and the babies to put them on the bed with him. He’s not cruel enough to move the babies when they’re sleeping on him, is he? But he can still glare at Jason

Jason might sneak a few pictures. For blackmail, he tells himself. Sure Jason, we believe you. It’s certainly not because it’s adorable and makes you get the warm fuzzies

It feels significantly less adorable when Tim pukes in the trash can and drips snot everywhere but the bedhead and flushed face and some semi-coherent feverish babbling about Star Trek and ornithology helps

Jason remembers Alfred’s cooking lessons and puts them to use, Tim lets out an obscene moan when he starts eating the soup that makes Jason choke on his own spit like a dork

“Did you get this from Alfred? It tastes just like his!”

“Yeah, he taught me how to cook, before...y’know.” Jason is very proud of himself for remembering it correctly, if a bit sad that he hasn’t spoken to Alfred since before he died

“Oh.” Tim blinks owlishly at him, unsure how to respond. “Well. You did a way better job than I would have.”

Arwen chooses that moment to demand attention, meowing stridently and rubbing her face against his hand until he goes along with it and scratches lightly under her chin

———

And that’s all, folks. Will eventually turn this into a proper fic and give it an ending, but I hope y’all enjoy it as is for the moment

[roxannarambles]

Top 3 Favorites Of Fire Emblem 3 Houses

It’s time once again for Top Three! This time, for Fire Emblem: Three Houses, a game I’m rather late to playing but have finally gotten around to!

I’ve decided to divide it by houses and give my top three favorites from each of the playable characters from the three houses/four routes. 

(Contains a few plot spoilers.)

Black Eagles

1.) Caspar

Caspar isn’t a perfect guy; he tends to have a disturbing tendency toward black-and-white thinking on morality, dividing the world into pure heroes and pure evil, and he doesn’t always stop to ponder the more intricate details of moral quandaries. Yet, despite that fact, in his heart he means well, and you cannot help but love him anyway. He’s enthusiastic and earnest, whole-hearted in what he does, and will fight fiercely to protect his friends. His voice actor is simply splendid and I think half of why I adore his character so much; the delivery is just perfect. The character will bring humor and energy to almost any situation, and both those elements are valuable standouts in a game with often heavy story themes.

2.) Petra

In a lot of ways, Petra is simply fulfilling a warrior princess archtype; a self-reliant huntress, proud, fierce, grateful to the blessings of mother nature, confidant, driven. With all that, it’s hard to find anything to dislike about her. She’s genuinely open and caring with everyone, despite the injustices against her country. She works very hard and carries the burden of an entire country on her shoulders with poise. She also makes for a powerful assassin unit.

3.) Linhardt

Linhardt is, to be perfectly honest, probably suffering from some pretty bad depression. His tendency to skip sleep some nights in favor of binge-studying, and then to sleep excessively and at all odd hours of the day, doesn’t read as “quirky” to me so much as a plain and very real symptom of depression (which can manifest in a number of ways, including insomnia and excessive sleep). His general attiude of apathy, again, seems a rather plain sign of depression. Considering the troubles of his past that he mentions he’s been trying to avoid confronting, this does make sense. While I don’t particularly enjoy Linhardt’s apathy and sleepiness, he’s actually quite a nice intellectual and a very good friend, when he puts his mind to it. 

Blue Lions

1.) Ashe

Ashe is a Very Good Boy, My Good Son. He’s as sweet and pure as a summer’s afternoon and I won’t suffer any fools who say otherwise. He dreams big and he actually puts the effort out to pursuing those dreams. Even when others try to dissaude him, or tell him he’s being niave to have such glowing ideals of knighthood, he fights for them anyway and follows his heart. He also cares deeply about his family and does all he can to take care of them, putting their needs above his own. And, he’s flippin’ adorable. What a lovely person.

2.) Felix

Ok, look. I don’t always like rude, bitchy, acerbic tsunderes. But when I do, I like me some Felix. Apparently. Felix is a disappointingly rather two-dimentional character in a lot of ways, since he falls into the “obsessive swordsman trope” that Lon'qu, Rutger and others also fall into. He obsesses over his swordplay and over improving himself, but there is no real core to WHY he obsesses over it; what drives him. The support conversation with Byleth and Felix explores this, but the conclusion never actually reaches any reason why he obsesses over it. He simply wants to be strong for the sake of strong. He has no idea why and never actually finds a reason. I find this deeply unsatisfying. Still, despite this fact, I cannot help but enjoy him anyway. His bitchiness and tsundere behavior is highly entertaining to me. And he does seem to at least draw some very clear lines: as obsessed as he is with power for sheer power’s sake, he is truly disgusted at excessive bloodshed and cruelty. He’s equally disgusted at romanticizing battle or dying for your ideals-- although I think his interactions with Ashe make him consider that sacrificing for your ideals may not be so terrible after all. 

3.) Annette

She’s bubbly, cheerful, energetic, loves to learn, is super friendly and often silly and provides comedic relief. The Blue Lions are generally a bunch who carry some pretty heavy emotional baggage-- so Annette’s presence is pretty essential to lighten the tone at times and help buoy people up. That’s not to say Annette doesn’t have her own shit to deal with, considering her father left her and her mother when she was still young. Still, she is a resiliant person who manages to carry on with aplomb despite that pain. And we get to enjoy her reconciliation with her father during the Blue Lion route, which is quite nice. 

Golden Deer

1.) Claude

Claude . . . Claude has so much great potential as a character, but I feel he was short-changed, in the end. He has an intriguing combination: he’s a man who has built up a reputation of being a sneaky, devious schemer, somebody to not be trusted and who does not trust others-- who relies soley on himself. Yet, on the other hand, he also has big, flowery dreams of creating a world that has destroyed racism and xenophobia, that welcomes and celebraties diversity and differences of all stripes. For all his claims of being self-serving and mistrustful, his dreams are enormously altruistic and compassionate. There was great potential in exploring this contradiction in his character, as well as tracing Claude’s path of slowly opening up and learning to trust others with his tender heart-- such as with Byleth. The trouble is this never actually HAPPENS in his route. The main plot focuses mostly on the actual military strategy; it does not go into the character development he so deeply deserved. His support conversations with Byleth were intended to show this character development, but without actually showing how he got from Point A to Point B-- wary and mistrustful vs. learning to open up-- it rings hollow to me. It’s frustrating, because I do love Claude dearly (deer-ly, haha. . .). He deserved, quite frankly, so much better.  

2.) Leonie

Leonie is very straightforward: what you see is really what you get. She’s a Commoner from a small village with big dreams of heoric mercenary life-- not all that dissimilar, really, from Ashe’s big dreams of heroic knighthood. She managed to drum up support (both emotional and financial) from her village and now feels obligated to do them all proud and pay them back for their support and kindness. While she can be a little single-minded at times about her adore for Jeralt (sometimes even lashing out in jealousy at Byleth), overall she’s a strong-willed, clever, and very determined young lady. I can’t help but love her. She also excels as a fantastic unit to use in-game, powerful, versitile, and getting so much done through pure grit, without any of the advantages or leg-ups that the Crest-bearing nobles are in posssession of. 

3.) Ignatz

I do realize this is Sweet And Pure Archer Son Number Two on my list, but there’s no way he’s not going on the list. He’s just too wonderful. Look at my son!!! He loves his family dearly and puts aside his own dreams to honor their needs and wishes! But he also can never quite give up on his artistic dreams and his friends all gradually encourage him to have the confidance to pursue them! He is so polite and sweet and friendly and shy! He has adorable little daydreams about the Goddess and has a crush on Saint Cethleann! He has such a huge glow-up after the timeskip and turns into such a dependable, strong young man who fights for justice and always holds such tender compassion in his heart! He’s great. :)

Church of Seiros

1.) Seteth

I would be repeating myself if I wrote anything here expounding upon my love of Seteth, which is as wide and deep as the blue-green seas. So I will just link you to a previous post. That should explain exactly how my feelings evolved over time about Seteth. He was an absolute surprise and a joy to discover. I never expected to fall in love with him; when I first started playing I always expected that Claude would be the one to steal my heart, not this mysterious man. But life’s funny like that.

2.) Alois

This man is a giant freaking dork and a goober, and I feel a great deal of affection for him. He makes me feel happy and safe and he is a great adoptive brother/dad/uncle/whatever. Truly, the game and the church would feel much emptier with him not around (and much quieter, haha). 

3.) Shamir

Shamir, when you first run into her, simply seems rude and cold. In fact, you will probably always have that impression of her, unless you read her support conversations. Once you access her supports, a whole new story is told. While she’s reserved and can be curt, she really does have a warmer side, growing to truly care for her allies. She’s deeply thoughtful and reflective, full of surprising insights. She’s also a remarkably talented mercenary and assasin, but while she insists she’s simply a sellsword, she does care about more then just the pay and survival. 

[littlemessyjessi]

Remus Lupin: Fluffy ABC Headcanons

Fluffy Alphabet

(Shoutout to my lovely friend, Traenon! She literally saved these for me months ago from something she read and sent it to me through messenger.  So credit to OP for the prompts!)

Remus Lupin Headcanons Remus Lupin x PS Reader X Reader: PS Reader, Plus Size Reader

A = Attractive: what do they find attractive about the other?

About you- the mushy answer is your brain.  You're so fucking clever and he adores it.

Physically, he loves your back.  You're so soft and he can just pepper your back for kisses for hours.  

And he loves rubbing circled into the skin of the small of your back.    He loves your rolls and how soft and silky you are.  

He likes your shoulder blades too and how most people might not see them but he gets too and it drives him wild.

B = Baby: do they want a family? why/why not?

He does but he's just worries ya know.  He just doesn't want to pass on the werewolf gene but the thought of a little you running around just warms his heart.   Maybe not a whole herd of children but like one cool baby?  Yeah, that sounds good to him.  

C = Cuddle: how do they cuddle?

Look, just accept the fact that you're going to be the little spoon.  I mean, that's just gonna be the way it is.  Remus seems like the sweet, shy type.  But this mother fucker is dom as hell when it's personal.  He ain't gonna be the little spoon if he doesn't have to so I hope you're good with that.   Also, he loves your back so he's very into it being pressed against his bare chest.

Side note:  If you happen to be shirtless against his bare chest?  Boy is in heaven.

D = Dates: what are dates with them like?

Unexpected.  You never know with him.  From a distance you'd expect his brainy ass to take you to the bookstore or library or idk, something quiet.

Hell no.  His spooky ass ends up taking you to the Forbidden Forest.  At night.  

You later discover it's because he can see in the fucking dark and he's comfortable there.   He intentionally drug you out there just so you'd be scared and cling to him.  You nearly strangled him when you found out.

E = Everything: “you are my ____” (e.g my life, my world…)

You're his drive to keep going.  Real talk.  Remus has a lot going on and sometimes it's too much for him.  He's contemplated ending it all more than once.  You keep him going.  He loves you more than anything.  But more importantly you help him see that HE'S worth it to HIMSELF.

F = Feelings: when did they know they were falling in love?

When you shoved Sirius in the lake for trying to steal a kiss.   And then proceeded to lecture him about it....and made him apologize....to everyone he'd ever did it too.

G = Gentle: are they gentle? If so, how?

In everyday life, Remus is a sweetheart.  Such a nice boy, according to your parents, lol.   He's got a mischevious streak but he doesn't use it on you.   Behind closed doors?  Well, I done told ya.  He's dom for life.

H = Hand/Hold: how do they like to hold? how do they like to hold hands?

Remus is more of an arm around your waist kind of guy.  Ya know, he loves that back.  However, he does enjoy when he wraps his arm around you and you place you place your hand over his.   Makes him feel all the specials.

I = Impression: first impression/s

Well, you met when you were eleven and he honestly didn't think much of you.   It's not your fault though.  He was an eleven year old werewolf going to school for the first time.  Poor kid was damn near having a heart attack.  

However, three weeks later you showed him up in class and little Remus Lupin got his very first crush.  

And then you lent him a piece of parchment and boy damn near floated right off his chair.  

Been making heart eyes at you since.

J = Joker: are they into pulling pranks?

Look, everyone thinks it's all James and Sirius but you know better!  

Remus is the brains most of the time and he's a fucking instigator.  HE fucking starts it.    And you know it.  He claims innocence but he's the damn devil.  

K = Kisses: how do they kiss?

Slowly and mind blowing.    It always takes you a few seconds to open your eyes and get your head together.  Lawd, Jesus.  

L = Love: who says I love you first?

He did.  He didn't meant to.  I mean, he meant it a 1000% but he hadn't meant to say it at that moment.   You caught him off guard with a surprise hot chocolate in the hospital wing and he let it slip.  You tried to save him and acted like you didn't hear it when he panicked.  But then he stopped and was like, "Actually, love.  I do love you.  I meant it.  I mean, I didn't exactly planning on loosing it like that but I do love you.  It's alright if you don-"   "Remus Lupin, you shut your damn mouth.   If you think for one second that I'm not hopelessly in love with you than I have sorely misjudged your intelligence." you snipped. He just grinned. "Stop smirking at me.   Shut your face and drink your hot chocolate before I kick you." "Yes, love." You just rolled your eyes at him.

M = Memory: their favourite moment together

He quite enjoys the semester you were paired with Sirius for potions.   It's relevant because you teased him during potions one day until he lost it and started sucking face halfway through.  Slughorn ripped you two apart and paired you with Sirius for the rest of the semester.  

You glared the whole semester and he thought you were the cutest fucking thing on the planet.

N = Nickel: do they spoil? do they buy the person they love everything?

He does but it's less with money and more with special things that actually mean something.   Hand written excerpts from books he thinks you'll like.   Little flowers he found on one of his walks.   And a sweet or two knicked from the kitchens.

O = Orange: what color reminds them of their other half?

Green tends to remind him of you.  Much in the sense that many people associate it with nature and new life, he associates it with you for the same reason.  Being with you is natural to him and you constantly breathe new beginnings to his life.

P = Pet names: what pet names do they use?

Love, mostly.  But occasionally he'll say sweetheart or darling.  

Q = Quaint: what is their favourite non-modern thing?

Vintage books.  Because of fucking course.

R = Rainy Day: what do they like to do on a rainy day?

Honestly.  He likes to snuggle up with a good cup of tea or cocoa and read.  You'll likely fall asleep and he's very content with the idea of sleeping on his chest while he reads his book.

S = Sad: how do they cheer themselves/each other up.

He cheers himself up by looking at pictures of friends, family and of course, you.   It's a favorite.

He cheers you up by reading your favorite book that just so happens to be a children's book.

T = Talking: what do they love to talk about?

He always shares his recent reads but also he's quite fond of talking about possible pranks.   I told you.  He's the fucking devil.

U = Unencumbered: What helps them relax?

A massage does wonders for this boy.   All that stress knots up in his neck and shoulders but you've got the magic touch.

V = Vaunt: what do they like to show off? What are they proud of?

As much as he hates being a werewolf, he'll admit that it has it's perks.  He can see in the dark. His hearing is especially good.  And though he doesn't do quidditch- Remus is actually a fucking fantastic chaser.   He has no interest in joining the team but he's bomb as fuck at it.   And he does enjoying showing out for you.

W = Wedding: when, how, where do they propose?

I could see Remus proposing in the middle of the night.  You're curled up on his chest and it's pitch black.  You're nearly asleep when he asks.  You shoot up like a bolt of lightning and press your damn so face to his that he can feel your eyelashes on his cheeks.  You demand he say it again.  He does, a bit more nervously.   And he almost died...because you nearly squeezed him to death.  And also nearly ruptured his ear drums.  Of fucking course you said yes.  As if there were any other answer.

X = Xylophone: What’s their song?

"When A Man Loves A Woman" by Percy Sledge Everytime it comes on you can't help but stop whatever you're doing and sing.  It was fourth year and you were the only two people in the common room.  You made him dance with you.   Poor boy could barely keep it together but now it's his favorite.  He can't hear it without thinking of you.

Y = You’re the ___ to my ___ (e.g the cookies to my milk, the macaroni to my cheese)

You're the hot to my chocolate.  He's a fucking goober at heart alright.  And he loves his chocolate.

Z = ZZZZ: How do they sleep? Like. A. Damn. Rock.   You'll damn near have to kill him to get up to pee so I hope you have a bladder of steel.

Hello, darlings! Hope you enjoyed this little piece and I wish you all a lovely day/night, whatever! 

If you wanna see more of my content just check out my blogs! @littlemessyjessi is the main blog full of fandom fictions, imagines, headcanons and sickeningly sweet fluff! Yeah, I know, lol. Barf.  But hey, I like it. @witchyweirdness is the magical blog full of witchy content And last but not least !   @monsterbaesbymamakennysaurus is my monster blog full of all kinds of monster related content! So I hope to see you there! Love, Kenny

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Love, Kenny

[newheroesofthemultiverse]

The Beginning

Ok it took way longer than anticipated to write this and it got way longer than I thought it would but it’s finally finished

She’s pacing the grounds in front of the house, anxiously nibbling on the tip of her thumb. The darker haired girl sitting on the ground behind her sighs, tilting back the dark bottle in her hand to chug the liquor.

“You keep this up, and you’re gonna make my blood pressure raise too.” She remarks, setting the bottle down.

“But what if none of them come? What if they come but they all turn me down?!” The green eyed girl turns and throws her arms into the air. “Lillian, what if they all say no!”

“Jesus Fuck, chill out!” The red eyed girl gets to her feet. “So what! You gave them the choice to! That was your big plan to be better, right? To give them the choice you didn’t get?!”

“Well, yeah, but...” Lisa sighs and shakes her head. “I just really hope-”

“I know!” Lillian sighs and puts her hands on Lisa’s shoulders. “You hope for them to be better, you hope you can show them to be more, yaddah yaddah ya.” A slight smirk from the dark double as she chuckles.”I know. You’ve been on about it for weeks! But it’ll be fine. They trust you. They’ll come.”

Lisa smiles softly and nods. Lillian takes another deep breath and turns back towards the house.

“In the meantime, I need more beer!”

Lisa groans and rolls her eyes. “You’re why we’ll never be a PG rated show!”

“Cartoon Network can suck a dick!” Lillian calls as she saunters off.

Lisa laughs loudly as the glass door slides shut, before sighing and turning back to where she had been looking before her nerves had shot off. It shouldn’t be too long before they get here...

As if someone had heard her thoughts, a swirling portal opens before her and in steps one of the very people the Goddess had been hoping to see.

“Steven!” She calls, throwing her arms open.

“Hi Lisa!” The dark haired boy beams as he rushes over to hug her, both squeezing each other and laughing. “Oh, it’s so good to see you!”

“I was just about to say that!” She pulls away to hold him at arms length, looking over the boy with a broad grin. “By the Gods, you’ve gotten so tall since I last saw you too! Stop before you dwarf me!” She throws a hand to her forehead dramatically but they’re both laughing seconds later.

As the two catch their breath, another swirling portal opens behind the half gem. Marinette looks around curiously before looking to the two. “Uh, hey!” She says and starts towards the two, only to trip over her own two feet.

A hand quickly grabs the clumsy girl’s wrist, narrowly saving her from face planting. Marinette’s eyes widen as her bright blue eyes meet a similarly bright blue pair of eyes. Jim’s face flushes as he helps pull Marinette to her feet. Before either can awkwardly stutter out any sort of excuse or apology, Lisa throws her arms over their shoulders.

“Jim! Mari!” Lisa gives them both hugs and immediately steps back to grin at them.”Glad you could both make it!”

“O-of course!” Jim chuckles, patting Lisa’s arm. “Not every day you ask for help.”

“That better not be a jab, Mister Troll Hunter.” Lisa grins and ruffles his hair. “C’mon you two, we only got one more to wait for.” She leads the two over Steven.

Just as the three teens introduce themselves a swirly blue portal opens above Lisa and out drops a boy the Goddess catches in surprise.

“Hi Lisa!” Yugo cheers excitedly, arms thrown above his head with a childish grin from ear to ear.

“Ah! Yugo, you HEATHEN!” She yelps before hugging him close to her chest. “You scared me, you goober!” They both laugh as she nuzzles her cheek to his forehead.

A few moments of chipperly introducing everyone pass before Lisa finally decides to explain herself.

“Ok, so. Reason I asked you all here. That’s... that’s a thing I gotta explain.” She sighs and pats her own face as the four sets of eyes turn to her, shiny young and full of hope. Oh, her heart aches for a moment but she focuses on the matter at hand. The choice. The choice she’s chosen to give these four sweet kids even now she sees that same look she once had...

“I’ve been weighing my options for a good while about this. But... I think you four are the best for what I have to ask.”

“Why us?” Jim asks and the others all nod, adding their own questions of why not someone else? She knew so many people more capable than them, why not one of them?

“Because.” She sits on a small pillar off earth she calls up, carefully thinking over her words. “Out of everyone. The four of you, I believe, can do this better than any of the others could. I want to ask you. I... I’ve been given permission to take on apprentices, to make others Demi-Gods as I was before.” They all four share wide eyed looks she ignores, continuing on before she lost her nerve and started to babble.

“I chose the four of you because I see...” A sigh. “I see the young Demi-God I used to be in each of you. The kid who was still trying to be better while not knowing where she was going. You’re all still growing up and discovering who you each are. I think... I think that the four of you are capable of doing even better than I ever have.”

“Us?!” Marinette exclaims, her expression shocked and nervous. “A-are you sure?!”

“W-why not Goku? Or Yugi? Or tany of the others?!” Jim asks, shuffling from one foot to the other anxiously.

“They’re already at their best. They’ve all found the person their meant to be, found the ends to their stories. But all of you.” She stands and holds her arms out towards them. “You’re young, still growing and finding who you’re going to become. Your stories aren’t over yet. You’re compassionate, good because it’s the only choice any of you ever saw as an option, and I know that you could be better heroes than me if given the chance. So. I’m giving you the chance.”

“Y-you want us?” Steven gasps, eyes sparkling in awe.

“You really think we can do it!?” Yugo jumps up excitedly.

“I think so. But, I’m leaving the choice to each of you.” She puts a hand on Steven and Yugo’s shoulder, smiling softly. “I don’t want to force you the way I was. Do you think you can handle it? I know each of you has a lot on your shoulders in your homes, but this isn’t a choice to make lightly.”

She looks at each of them hopefully, heart stuttering slightly. Yugo gives it only a moment’s thought before he jumps up and throws his arms around her neck and grins.

“I want to! It’ll be fun! And we get to hang out more!” She grins back and laughs, picking the smaller boy up and hugging him.

Steven nods and brings his hands together excitedly. “Yeah! I wanna do it! I always wanted to travel with you, it’ll be so cool!”

Lisa laughs and holds one arm out to pull the boy into a hug, which he’s quick to accept excitedly.

Jim and Marinette exchange looks of concern before Jim sighs and rubs his face.

“I mean-” Lisa stops fawning over the other two for a moment, turning her attention to Jim. “-I’ve already got the TrollHunter thing. But if this is like the way it is for you... It’s like I won’t even be gone, right?”

“Something like that.” Lisa nods. “It’s like leaving your world and then coming back to the exact moment you left so it’s like... like you hadn’t left at all, y’dig?”

“I..” Jim grumbles for a moment, then takes a deep breath. “Y’know what? Sure, why not, maybe it’ll be fun.” A slight smile as the three beckon him over to be accepted into the group hug.

“Mari, Mari, Mari~!” Lisa calls, holding one hand out to the still thinking Ladybug. “C’moooo~n, it’ll be fun, I promise!”

She mutters anxiously to herself before looking up at the four with a deep sigh. “I mean... at least it won’t always be Hawkmoth I’m fighting then, right?”

“Yeah! It’ll be an adventure!” Steven says excitedly and Yugo nods in agreement.

“And you’ll have each other for back up!” Lisa adds with a beaming grin. “Now get over here!” The dark haired girl giggles and goes over, letting the Goddess and the boys pull her into a big hug. Lisa squeals and squeezes the four.

“Oh this is so exciting!” Lisa sighs, letting the four go. “We gotta go do one thing before this is official though. Not... something i’m looking forward unfortunately.”

[atomic--peach]

Southern Saying

 Because it’s not just Australia that has weird saying.

Cadiwampus: slightly crooked or messed up

“Does this picture frame look cadiwampus?”

Cadycorner: not quite next to, kind of diagonal to something.

“They live cadycorner to me”

Way out yonder: Someplace far off, usually at least 20-45 minutes outside of town

“Wow, you live way out yonder”

Dagnabit: A more polite version of God Dammit. (Also see Dagumit)

“Dagnabit! I burnt the cookies”

Goober: an unpleasant or annoying person or another word for a penis. sometimes used playfully for a child

“What a goober!”

Fixin’ to: Going to or getting ready to do something or go somewhere.

“I’m fixin’ to fry up some eggs, do you want some?”

Ugly as homemade sin: used to describe something particularly ugly, like your great aunt’s couch or your sister’s wedding dress

“That paint in her parlor is ugly as homemade sin”

Jerk a knot in your tail: Scold someone, something your mama threatens to do to you if you don’t stop acting a fool

“I’m fixin’ to jerk a knot in your tail if you don’t straighten up”

As all get out: Completely or ridiculously

“He’s rich as all get out”

Can you carry me to___?: Can you take me to this location?

“Can you carry me to the hair salon?”

Gussied up: Dressed up, looking your best.

“What are you all gussied up for?”

Just fell off the turnip truck: Stupid or gullible.

“Does he think I just fell off the turnip truck or something?”

A month of sundays: A long time; how long it’s been since you called your aunt.

“I haven’t seen you in a month of sundays”

Mosey: To go or get along.

“I’ll just mosey on over to the bar while i wait for you.”

What on God’s Green Earth?: What in the world?

“What on God’s Green Earth are you talking about?”

Fifty-leven: The under of times your mama told you something

“I done told you fifty-leven times you needed to get your oil changed”

You can’t ride two horses with one ass: You can’t do two things at once.

“I know you wanted to run track and play football, but you can’t ride two horses with only one ass”

Up one side and down the other: Completely like something, very similar.

“She’s her mama up one side and down the other”

All-yins: Similar to Ya’ll or all ya’ll.

“Get out of my house and go play somewhere, all-yins!”

Like you own cotton in Augusta: being lazy or unproductive.

“Don’t just sit around like you own cotton in Augusta, get a job!”

The Sun don’t shine on the same dog’s tail all the time: You won’t always have good luck.

“You’re smiling now, but remember; the sun don’t shine on the same dog’s tail all the time”

Shake the dew off your lily: Hurry up, a polite version of “shake the piss off your dick”

“Shake the dew off your lily and get out here to see your grandma!”

Nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs: Very anxious or skittish.

“Waiting for my test score, I’m nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs”

Sweating like a whore in church: Sweating a lot, either from the heat or from nerves.

“It’s so hot, I swear I’m sweating like a whore in church!”

Don’t act ugly: Don’t be unpleasant.

“I don’t care if she’s sleeping with a married man, don’t act ugly”

Bless her cotton socks: A version of Bless her heart, usually used in pity/ amusment.

“Her brothers took her on a snipe hunt, bless her cotton socks”

That dog won’t hunt: That thing won’t do what you want it to, and you can’t make it.”

“I tried to get my TV working, but that dog won’t hunt”

Eat the south end of a north bound goat: Something gross or disgusting but you’re too hungry too care.

“My son used to be so picky, but now he’d eat the south end of a north bound goat.”

Seven ways to Sunday: Completely, all around.

“I know I’m supposed to go to the PTA meeting, but that yoga class wore me out seven ways to Sunday.”

Slap you to sleep, then slap you for sleepin’: Unreasonable, extremely annoyed or angry.

“You can’t please my manager, she’ll slap you to sleep and then slap you for sleepin’“

Kick your butt to Christmas and dare you to walk back: Beat you up and dare you to mess up again.

“If you throw that football in my house again I’ll kick your butt to Christmas and dare you to walk back!”

Useless as a screen door in a submarine: Something worse then useless.

“Johnny want to go hunting with his daddy, but as loud as he is he’d be as useless as a screen door in a submarine”

Anybody’s dog that’ll hunt her: A promiscuous person, or a person with low standards

“She can says she’s picky, but she’s anybody’s dog that’ll hunt her”

Faster than a knife fight in a phone booth: Moving fast or quickly.

“He’s on a diet, but when the pie was served he was on it faster than a knife fight in a phone booth” (Also see “a one legged man at a butt kicking contest”)

Shit’n’get: Got fast, do something with haste.

“You took twenty minutes to do your hair, so we’ve gotta shit’n’git if we’re going to get there on time”

Messed in your Easter bonnet: Done something embarrassing in public”

“I told you not to talk to his new wife at the church barbecue, but now you done messed in your Easter bonnet”

Couldn’t pay respect: Being broke, out of money.

“I know I just got paid, but now I’m so broke I couldn’t pay respects”

Depress the devil: something an extremely negative person could do.

“I hope Karen won’t be there, bless her heart but she’s so negative she could depress the Devil”

Hunt Geese with a rake: something really tall people are said to do.

“That girl on Kate’s basketball team is so tall, she could hunt geese with a rake”

____ The fool out of___: To do something really effectively.

“Shit! I just cut the fool out of my finger!”

The Hell you say!: A saying of disbelief.

“Jessica found her boyfriend doing what?! The Hell you say!”

More than a hat rack/ More than a coat rack: Use your head or your brain, or put some elbow grease into something.

“It’s a push door bot a pull, try using your head for more than a hat rack”

“It’s not that heavy, use your body for more than a coat rack!”

You know not: You don’t know the half of it, usually used during gossip sessions.

“I heard Mary is sending her daughter to charm school” “Oh you know not”

Snockerpussed: Drunk

“Slow down! The last thing you need is to get snockerpussed”

Rub some whiskey on it from the inside: Drink and you’ll feel better

“You’ve got a back ache? Try rubbing some whiskey on it from the inside.”

Beats all I ever did see: Seeing something strange or ridiculous.

“Did you see what happened to Mary Jo’s roof? Beats all I ever did see”

Shootfire!: An expression of frustration

“Shootfire! My car’s got a flat tire!”

Hitch in your giddy up: Walking strange for one reason or another.

“I spent all day in the garden yesterday, and now I’ve got a hitch in my giddyup.

Tore up from the floor up: an absolute mess.

“Did you see her after the block party last night? The girl was tore up from the floor up.”

Too busy to cuss the cat: too busy to be bothered by something small.

“Bake sale? Girl, with football season and graduation coming up, I’m too busy to cuss the cat!”

Like a chicken with it’s head cut off: Running around frantically or hysterically.

“She found out there’s a project due tomorrow and now she’s running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off”

You can’t swallow a quarter and crap a dollar: You can’t take poor quality and make it better.

“I know you said you can change him, but you can’t swallow a quarter and crap a dollar Darlin’”

That’s their tale, I sit on mine: Just because they’re gossiping, doesn’t mean I will.

“Is that what she said? Well, that’s her tale, I sit on mine thank you very much”

Too big for your britches: Acting more important that you are.

“Since you got that promotion, you’ve been acting too big for your britches”

Scare the beard off Jesus: Something particularly startling or disturbing.

“Did you see what color her daughter died her hair? Why it would scare the beard off Jesus!”

Act like you got some raisin’: Act like you had good parents. Don’t act wild.

“What are you doing with your shoes on my couch?! Act like you got some raisin!”

Useless as tits on a bull: Not only is it useless, it doesn’t make an sense.

“I love these new jeans, but these tiny little pockets are as useless as tits on a bull”

Been done gone: have been gone for a while now.

“John? He moved out of town a year ago, he been done gone.”

Within a gnat’s ass: way too close. usually used in dangerous situations.

“I came withing a gnat’s ass of cussin’ her out.”

Does a cat have climbing gear?: A obvious question with an obvious answer (Also see “Is a frog’s ass watertight” and “Does a one legged duck swim in a circle”_

“Do I want to go to the football game? Does a cat have climbing gear?”

A Job that don’t pay: a waste of time.

“Girl don’t even think about it, that man’s just another job that don’t pay”

Could kill knee high cotton: Something that smells really bad.

“She’s a pretty girl, but her breath could kill knee high cotton!”

Only got one oar in the water: Not all there, a little crazy.

“She’s only got one oar in the water, bless her heart”

Plumb: Extremely, completely and totally.

“You don’t need to be out there acting plumb crazy”

Like a cat’s been sucking on it: stringy, thin, unhealthy or ugly looking.

“Ew, my hair looks like a cat’s been sucking on it”

Tuck your tongue behind your teeth, you’re crazy’s showin’: Stop talking, you’e starting to sound insane.

“Tuck your tongue behind your teeth, your crazy’s showin’. I think you’ve had enough to drink”

My stars in heaven: Oh my God

“Oh my stars in heaven, have you seem these china patterns?”

Like a bag of cat’s fighting: what you look like in unflattering clothes.

“Darlin’ I love you, but your butt looks like a bag of cat fighting to get out in those jeans”

Backsass: Back talk, something that will get you whooped.

“Don’t you back sass me, I’ll whoop your ass”

Even Jesus can’t save you: you’re in big trouble, not even the the Lord can save you. 

“Your mama found out what you did last night, not even Jesus can save you now”

[beatricebmorgan]

“Breakfast is ready!”

Astrid woke up with a start and instinctively reached for her axe, snuggly and safety kept under her pillow – but her hand met the cool underside. Where was her –

Oh. Right.

“Astrid, darling, get a move on it,” came her mother’s voice from the door. “Breakfast won’t be on the table for long, not the way your father eats.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.”

Her mother retreated downstairs, leaving the bedroom door open. Astrid sighed and pulled her legs from the blanket. Her rolled her neck around her shoulders.

The burned remains of her favorite, most trusted weapon leaned against the opposite wall. She had brought it back with her to Berk. When she’d been packing for the Edge – what felt a lifetime ago – her axe had been the first thing on her list. She should have left it on the Edge, but she couldn’t fathom parting with it. Not after all she’d gone through.

Sure, it was just a sooty piece of wood now, but… she couldn’t let it go. Not yet. Not for a long while.

Down below, her father let out a loud belch.

Astrid groaned under her breath. She pulled on her boots and headed downstairs to fend for herself something to eat.

“What’s on your agenda today, Astrid?” asked her father as she tore a chunk of bread off the loaf.

“Thought I might take a ride around Berk, get readjusted to being back.” Truthfully, she didn’t know, but her parents didn’t argue with her.

She’d had more chores on the Edge. Fish to catch, water to clean, defenses to secure, sectors to patrol, dragons to care for – but on Berk, she didn’t have nearly the same amount of things to do. It felt… like she didn’t have anything to do. The more she thought about it, the more that flight around the island sounded better.

 …

 “Come on, girl,” Astrid cooed to Stormfly. She shook out her wings and stepped out of the stable. She let out a short, distressed warble. “I know. I didn’t sleep that well last night either.”

“Are you okay?”

Astrid turned just in time to see Toothless land, Hiccup sitting on his saddle. Those green eyes of his were pinned on her, and just like always, her heart jumped into her throat.

“I was just about to take a flight around Berk,” Astrid said to him, mounting up.

“That’s funny,” Hiccup said, grinning. His eyes flickered upward. “I was thinking the same thing.”

Without another word, the two of them took off into the skies above Berk. Below, the village she knew better than any other was waking up. Another day. Agnes was sweeping out her house; Sven was feeding his sheep; Gobber already had a line of dragons at his shop. As they flew over Goober’s shop, she heard him singing.

They flew higher. Berk became a dusting of dots on the green island.

“It’s weird being back,” Hiccup said. “I mean, it’s weird that we’re not going back to the Edge.”

“I know what you mean,” Astrid said. “I got used to having my own place. I love my parents, but… it was nice to wake up without hearing my dad belch.”

Hiccup laughed. “Tell me about it. My dad woke me up this morning by yelling up the stairs. I mean, it’s not completely unlike getting woken up by the twins blowing something up or by smelling smoke because something is on fire.”

It was her turn to laugh. “Still, I’ll miss having my own hut the most. I mean, I can’t exactly invite boys over at night when my parents are downstairs.”

Despite it just being Hiccup, her cheeks burned. She dared a glance at Hiccup. The early morning light brightened his face, and she saw the unmistakable blush on his face, too. He caught her stare, and a wide grin stretched his face.

He let out a nervous chuckle. “Yeah, I don’t see your dad being happy about that.”

Below, the forest where Tuffnut had nearly been burned in that wildfire passed, when they had met the grown-up Torch. If she looked close enough, she could spot the slight mounds where the Whispering Death had gone after Toothless. The mounds had worn down with time, and grass had grown over them. In a few years, they would be unrecognizable.

Astrid glanced over at Hiccup. His eyes were elsewhere, but not anywhere particular. She knew that face.

“What are you think about?” she asked.

His shoulders rose and fell. “A bit of everything.”

She kept her eyes on him – she knew that tone, or she thought she did. He was either troubled by something he couldn’t control, or something was bothering him that he could control, and he didn’t want to confront it. It was hard to tell the two apart sometimes.

“Want to talk about it?”

Hiccup inhaled, met her gaze with one of determination that warmed her blood, and said, “Yes. Let’s head down. The cove isn’t that far away.”

 …

 Astrid landed a second before Hiccup. She slid off the saddle and onto the smooth, rocky ground.

“Gods, it feels like forever since we’ve been here.” Astrid took in the familiar sights, the waterfalls, the towering pines, the chirping birds, the shimmering pool. Stormfly trotted to the water for a drink, and Toothless joined her. That’s when she noticed it. A thing wrapped in wool on the back of Toothless’s saddle.

“It has, in a way,” Hiccup said. He walked to where Toothless knelt for a drink and unstrapped the thing. He held it in front of him, gently, like… something. Whatever it was, it sent little pricks all along Astrid’s spine.

“What’s that?”

Hiccup looked at the thin in his hands, then at Astrid. “Just a little something. A project I’ve been working on the past few days.”

Oh, it could be anything. A flight suit upgrade he wanted to show her? The latest model of his dragon blade? He’d been talking about upgrading his foot to make flying easier. Regardless, Astrid held her attention on him.

“Whatever could it be?”

Hiccup grinned and walked the thing to her. He stood for a moment looking at her, his fingers twitching along the thick wool blanket, and then he held it out to her.

She blinked at him.

“It’s for you.”

Her heart stopped, then fell into her stomach. “For me? Hiccup, you didn’t have to.”

“You don’t know that yet.” He wiggled it closer to her. “Take a look. Then tell me what you think.”

That smile of his! Gods, she could stare at him for ages.

She gingerly took the thing out of his hands. It had some weight to it. She undid the leather strings holding on the wool and pushed it off –

She gasped.

The wool fell to the ground, and in her hands was an axe. The blade was new – Gronkle Iron. Supple leather wound the sturdy handle. The pommel had been carved with lines, and in the center was a Deadly Nadder. Two strands of leather, one dyed blue, the other pink, wound up the iron wood handle and secured around the head.

Hiccup came back into focus, watching her expression.

“You made this?”

He nodded.

“For me?” She clutched the axe. “It’s… amazing.” She grazed her thumb against the blade. “And sharp.”

“I wanted to finish it before you got another one,” Hiccup said, hand on his neck. “It took a few all-nighters, but for you, Astrid, I’d do anything.”

She felt tears gathering behind her eyes. With a single blink, they eased onto her bottom lids. “Hiccup,” she started, but bit her lip. She couldn’t continue without one of those tears sliding out.

Hiccup closed to space between them and set a sturdy hand on her waist. “That bad, huh? I knew I should have went with the willow bark.”

“Hiccup, I love it,” she said, closing off that line of his thinking. He gave her a gentle smile – he’d known. She clutched the new axe to her chest, then held it out. She wrapped her arm around Hiccup’s neck.

He pulled her closer, and she pulled him closer in response.

Gods, this boy of hers – what power did he hold over her that turned her into such a weak-kneed girl?

“Too bad I can’t invite you back to my hut,” Astrid whispered, although she doubted anyone was listening – one this she’d discovered about Berk that she hadn’t before realized was how nosy everyone was, especially regarding her betrothal to Hiccup. Apparently, being engaged to the future chief was something to gossip about over the washing. Or so said her mother.

Hiccup smiled and pulled her a little closer. “We’re far enough out, and we’ve got dragons trained to alert us if anyone comes close enough.”

Astrid bit her lip. “They would let us know if anyone came remotely close. They would smell them before they’d see us.”

With a short whistle to gain Toothless’s attention and a following hand signal to watch the perimeter, Hiccup pulled Astrid toward the shadowed side of the cove. If anyone came from Berk or on dragon, they wouldn’t immediately see the two in the cove.

Astrid set her axe against the mossy stone. Before her hand had left the supple leather hilt, Hiccup’s hands unlatched and slid the pauldrons from her shoulders. They hit the ground with a soft metal thud. Hiccup pulled her against him, and her back met his chest – he’d already removed his leathers.

She pushed her backside into his hips with a purposeful sway and earned a deep growl from the back of his throat.

Oh, how she had craved him – since that first night in her hut, she had thought about his hands, his skin, his mouth. With each joining, they had gotten better, quicker, and with a little guidance, Hiccup’s nimble fingers knew where and how.

She didn’t have to speak – his lips tugged on her ear, and his hands roamed her waist, her ribs, her chest.

Clearly, he wasn’t in a hurry.

Gods, she loved those joinings the most. The ones where Hiccup took his time, touched her slowly, reminded her of his love.

She leaned her head back onto his shoulder and gave him full access to her neck, and he took it. His lips, his tongue, and his teeth grazed along her skin, gently tugging, nipping, and kissing. He circled that spot just underneath her ear, teasing her, before he sank his mouth onto it.

Astrid let out a soft moan – involuntarily, but she’d found that Hiccup could pull out all manner of sounds from her.

While occupying her neck, his hands worked her skirt loose, and by extension, the hem of her shirt. When his callused fingers met her bare stomach, a shiver wound up her spine and to her chest. Her breasts peaked; they pushed against the fabric of her bindings.

And Hiccup, the little shit, knew it. He smiled against her neck – she felt it. His hands made no move farther than her waist. His fingers traced slow circled on her skin inching upward agonizingly slow.

Pressure was building between her legs, and she felt Hiccup’s own desire against her backside. Still, he made no move to hurry things along. He made love to her neck while his hands tortured her.

“Hiccup,” she pleaded, her voice a gasp.

“Hmm?” he hummed against her neck. He nipped her skin then lifted his mouth to her ear. “Need something?”

She grabbed hold of his hand, and his fingers flattened against her stomach. “Touch me.”

“I am.”

She pushed her backside into his front, earning herself a gruff laugh from him.

“Hiccup!”

“Where?” he whispered in her ear, and she wanted to scream. She both loved and hated the games he played. She hadn’t anticipated this side of Hiccup Haddock, but each time, he’d left her panting and with wobbly legs.

She pulled her shirt farther up, and Hiccup traced his palms along the skin she revealed. Up and up, until Hiccup pulled back to give her room to pull her shirt over her head. He returned his hands to her waist, then slid them up to her bindings. He knew exactly how – a few blinks and rapid heartbeats, and her bindings had joined her shirt on the ground.

Hiccup’s arms came around her, and no sooner had the crisp air hugged her breasts than his hands form around them. He pulled her back into him, and he pulled out another round of sounds she hadn’t formerly known she could even make, all with his hands on her breasts and his mouth on her neck.

With his arms around her, hers had little place to go, and her hands fists in the fabric of his tunic. It took some carefully finagling, but she managed to reach the ties on his pants. Pulling them loose, Hiccup pinched her nipples in response.

She jumped and spun to face him and grabbed onto the ties. Hiccup pulled his tunic over his head and she loosened his pants further, enough to free his erect self. She ran her fingernail along his length, earning herself a shudder from him.

Hiccup captured her mouth for a tender kiss, and then in a few rapid heartbeats, their boots and pants joined the rest of their discarded clothing.

Astrid pulled Hiccup to her, and he positioned himself on top of her. He kissed her tenderly, and she slid her leg along his, urging him on. They’d gotten better at positioning themselves, too. the first few times had been more experimenting than lovemaking.

A guttural moan escaped Hiccup’s throat as he slowly slid inside of her. She clutched at his shoulders, his hair, anything she could reach. In to the hips, then out again, and in – each thrust gaining in speed and power, each thrust pushing her closer toward that illusive white-hot edge of pleasure.

She’d heard that a man could get a woman there with just his manhood, but Hiccup had so far been unsuccessful in that endeavor. He’d done well with his hands (after considerable instruction and guidance from her) and done even better with his mouth. With most of their lovemaking, after he tumbled over the edge, he bought her to it however he could, mouth, teeth, tongue, hands – whatever it took.

With their experience, she knew what that edge felt like – as with his thrust, she felt it. Burning at the edge of her awareness, but there. She reached for that edge, the burning white-hot abyss, and it listened to her command.

Hiccup grunted in time with his thrusts, faster and faster, his taut body working up a sweat. She latched onto his shoulders as that edge came closer, closer, closer.

Astrid cried out, or she might have – she didn’t know. The world beyond her and Hiccup faded as she fell over that white-hot edge, pleasure sweeping through her nerves and bones and whatever else. Her nails dug into his skin, and Hiccup grunted as he, too, fell over the edge.

Hiccup collapsed on the ground beside her.

“Gods,” Astrid gasped. “Hiccup…”

“We should get married.”

She glanced at him. “Right now?”

He met her eyes, pleasure warm and sleepy. “I want to do that more often, and not in the cove.”

She smiled. “Where?”

“A bed, the floor, the hearth, my worktable. Everywhere.”

She smiled and let out a small laugh.

“What?”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s thought about having wild sex on your worktable.”

Hiccup chuckled. “We can save that for a special occasion.”

She found his hand and laced her fingers with his. A caw came from nearby – Stormfly’s first warning.

Wordlessly, Hiccup and Astrid scrambled for their clothes. They were pulling on their boots when their heard the voices over the side of the cove. The twins, by the sounds, and Snotlout. Fully dresses, Astrid reached for her new axe.

“Well, Hiccup,” she said, turning to him. He was fastening his leather around his middle. “What do you say to some good old target practice?”

“Thought you’d never ask.”

[gripefroot]

Kiss

Bucky forgot whose birthday it is. 

As far as he’s concerned, there’s only you, singing karaoke on a makeshift stage in one of the party rooms of Avengers Tower, with probably a hundred people swarming around and making noise - but over that - your eyes seem to find him an awful lot. 

You got to not talk dirty, baby

If you want to impress me

You can't be too flirty, mama

I know how to undress me, yeah! 

He doesn’t know what the song is, but he’d like to. A personal, descriptive lecture from you would be ideal. His gaze is riveted on you and your swaying hips and that attractive dress you’re wearing. And - is that? - a peek of your thigh holster. His mouth is watering. Even Sam and Natasha’s jabbering next to him falls on deaf ears.  

I want to be your fantasy

Maybe you could be mine

You just leave it all up to me

We could have a good time… 

Bucky grins, swirling the glass in his hand even though he’s long forgotten what drink he ordered. Only the glimpses of your skin beneath your skirt, that glint in your eyes as they rest on him - you’re hungry. But not for food. 

Why do there have to be so many people around?

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with

I just want your extra time and your...

Kiss -  

“Apparently some guys in the SHIELD language department made a bet last week,” Sam is saying to Natasha. “One hundred bucks to whoever can get 28 to agree to a date.”

“Like, what date it is, or - ?” 

Bucky’s head whips around so fast it’s a wonder he doesn’t get whiplash - or that Natasha and Sam don’t look at him strange. 

“Nah, like a date date,” Sam says. He’s grinning - so he must be enjoying this. 

“Has anyone succeeded?” Natasha twirls a straw in her drink, a sly little smile on her face.  

“Not yet.” 

The song ends, and with a few whoops and a significant amount of applause, you saunter off the stage, grinning and waving. Bucky can’t help smiling - no matter how nauseous he’s suddenly feeling - and more so when you start tugging on Maria Hill’s arm to get her up. She refuses, but you’re persistent. Then there’s more applause as Maria mounts the stage, her face bright red and rueful. 

You’re laughing as you weave through the crowd towards the back. Bucky’s eyes don’t leave you, and you plop into an empty seat next to him. 

“Crazy crowd tonight,” you say jovially, leaning across the table to address Natasha and Sam. “You guys are next.” 

“Not all of us have your energy, 28,” Natasha says dryly.

“Don’t have to.” Underneath the table, your hand finds Bucky’s knee, and he stiffens as you give an affectionate squeeze. There’s a little coyness to your smile, as you send him a wink. But no one sees but him - the music has started for Maria, and she launches into a credible version of ‘Dancing in the Moonlight.’ Sam is nodding his head to the beat.  

“But you’re going up for sure, right.” Those low words are just meant for Bucky, and he turns towards you with a grin. A little teasing between friends - nothing suspicious, right? Not in front of all your coworkers.  

“I’d have to be convinced,” he murmurs back. He likes that light in your eyes. The insinuation. The hunger. His fingers creep over to yours, and gosh, if he doesn’t just wanna take you out right now -  

“You know what they say, right?” Natasha say loudly over the music, and Bucky flinches as your hand squirms away. She’s not looking - that’s good. 

Sam takes the bait. “What do they say, Nat?” he asks lazily.  

“They say you know when you’re in love, when all the songs start making sense.” 

“Or you have basic language interpretation skills,” Bucky cuts across. 

“Not in love, Barnes?” Nat teases.  

“None of your business, Romanoff.” 

“It’s not that they don’t make sense,” you interrupt, drawing all eyes to you. There’s a misty smile on your face as you bring your hand to your heart, closing your eyes. “It’s that when you’re in love, they reverberate in here.” 

Sam and Bucky groan, and Natasha laughs.  

“You should write greeting cards,” Sam says to you with a grin. 

Maria’s song ends, to general approval. She’s still blushing as she leaves the stage, and Sam stands as he glugs the rest of his drink before heading off.  

“Missed your chance,” you tease Bucky. He gives you a glare. A loving glare. You merely smile back, a smile that makes Bucky’s blood rush hot, a smile that promises everything… 

There’s some tenseness in your features. Almost as if you’re as impatient as he is.  

Is it too soon to leave? 

“Okay, first off,” Sam says into the microphone, waving a finger in the air as Bucky sighs. “We haven’t done an ensemble song yet, so I’ll pick that one out. Thank you.” 

“No one asked you, Wilson!” someone shouts from the audience. Bucky starts to laugh, feeling all warm inside as you giggle, too.  

Twanging guitars sound over the speakers. There are lots of ooo’s and ahh’s - Bucky recognizes the tune, but not the words. Everyone else does though, apparently, as Sam conducts from the front. 

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man... 

You’re singing with the rest, half-dancing in your seat as you smile - Bucky can’t help staring. He never can. 

Your beauty is beyond compare

With flaming locks of auburn hair

With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green - 

The room is practically roaring. Popular song, apparently. 

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

Please don't take him even though you can…

Sam is looking pleased for his success. As everyone cheers at the end, Bucky grins as Sam pretends that the clapping is for himself. Yeah, right. Sam wastes no time, and launches straight into his solo, swinging his hips and grinning around the room - 

Sugar pie, honey bunch

You know that I love you

I can't help myself

I love you and nobody else!

“Aww,” you say. “How cute.” 

Bucky narrows his eyes in your direction. You’re teasing him, he knows it - but he doesn’t much care for it. When Natasha stands up to return to the bar for a refill, he leans close to your ear. 

“You callin’ Sam cute, babe?” 

“The song choice,” you retort. “Got a problem with that, Buck?”

Your face is very close to his - too close, probably, but no one is looking. Why should they, when Sam is putting on such a show? With your glittering eyes and smug little smile, just for him - well, Bucky isn’t sure how everyone isn’t staring at you. His privilege.  

Bucky’s eyes dart over to Natasha, weaving through tables to return. He turns back to you, and murmurs in a rush,

“Bathroom. Next floor up.” And he stands, the legs of his chair scraping against the floor as he stalks away, tense and rigid and ignoring the bemused Natasha as she takes his seat beside you. 

“Sheesh, what’s up with him?” Nat asks. 

“Bathroom,” you explain, lips twitching as you contain your own amusement. “I didn’t ask for details.” 

“Gross.” 

How long until you can follow Bucky? You shift in your chair, lingering heat from the way he’d looked at you making you feel so alive but so impatient…

An agent you don’t know is on the stage next, singing a whiny rendition of ‘I Believe in a Thing Called Love.’ Sam finds his way back to the table, a little out of the breath but very pleased with himself, and he’s followed by a bored looking Clint a few moments later. Clint had apparently been busy discussing something or another with Nick Fury, and he doesn’t hesitate to start yapping about it. 

Good. They’re occupied.  

You murmur an excuse, and duck out of the party. 

The longest walk of your life. Down the hall, up the stairs, down another hall - the party is right below where the bathrooms are in the IT department. But at least the lights are dim all around. Bucky had chosen wisely. No one will be up here with everything else going in.  

With bass thrums vibrating the floor, you press an ear to the first bathroom - there’s a slow intake of breath inside, and you grin. Tap, tap tap. Tap, tap tap.

“Took you long enough.” The door is yanked open, and an irate Bucky glares fondly down at you. Then he grabs your wrist and pulls you in the rest of the way.  

He doesn’t waste time lowering his head to start kissing you senseless - your arms wrap around his neck, eager to devour and be devoured - and his arms snake around you. There’s a click of a lock.  

The music is muted, but it only makes you bolder. No one is listening. No one is around. This is better privacy than you and Bucky are used to, and that makes you a little wild. Bucky lifts you by the hips, and you’re hoisted against a wall as your legs wrap securely ‘round his middle.  

“Couldn’t get enough of you dancin’ like that,” he murmurs hotly into your ear, as he nibbles his way down your jaw. “You should come with like, a parental warning, babe.” 

You laugh, a little shrilly, as the heat building in your center makes your brain a little fuzzy. There’s silence from below - a new song is coming. “Oh please,” you say, yanking your fingers through his hair and making him groan and he bites gently down on your clavicle. “It’s not like there are any kids there, anyway.”

Bucky chortles - a husky, low laugh that makes you break out in goosebumps. “True.” 

The thumping of a wild beat sounds from below. It disguises your involuntary moan as his fingers press into your hips, pushing you up further and further up against the wall until your knees are on his shoulder. 

“Ow - ouch!” A bonk on the head brings you back. “Bucky! You’re too tall - I’m hitting the ceiling, you goober.” 

Bucky, his face half-hidden beneath your skirt, peeps back out. A little rueful, a little repentant. He sees your cricked neck as you glare down, hand braced on the ceiling - and he laughs. A real, belly laugh that nearly has you lamenting your lost dignity.  

“Oops. Sorry, babe.” He lets you drop - and catches you securely around the waist. Eye level now. You smile, heart beat all out of control as he grins, and carries you over to the vanity. The marble is cold on your backside - a hiss of breath escapes your lips. Back to the mirror, you keep your eyes fastened on Bucky’s face as he grins a very menacing, promising sort of grin. He pushes up your skirt - slower than last time, and your thighs are quivering in anticipation. Your gaze flickers down at the bulge in his pants, and you smirk back up at him. 

“Guess you did like my song,” you coo, stomach fluttering with all sorts of anticipation.  

“Isn’t that what I said? What, you think I’m some kind of liar?” Bucky’s eyes are glittering dark promises, and your breath catches.  

“You could definitely stand to be clearer,” you tease. “Instead of, ‘I liked your dance,’ you could’ve said, ‘You’ve made me unbelievably horny.’”

The bass from the speakers is making the bathroom shudder. But you don’t notice - the hot palm of Bucky’s flesh hand is beneath your skirt, bringing to life every inch of your skin. Your head lolls against the mirror as you sigh, his smug little grin equal parts irritating and endearing.  

“You’ve made me unbelievably horny,” Bucky mocks. “I don’t know how you do it, but you drive me absolutely crazy in all the best ways possible.” His voice lowers - you bite back another moan.  

“It’s the holster, isn’t it?” you ask, voice ragged. His fingers hook beneath the strap around your thigh - and his wicked smile makes you hot.  

“Oh, you know it, babe.” Finally he sinks to his knees, hands hooking behind your legs to bring you closer to the edge of the vanity -  

“And now it’s my turn,” he adds wickedly.  

“To - to make me crazy?”  

“Mmhmm.”  

It’s getting difficult to breathe, but the distant music disguises your little gasps. Bucky’s name is on your lips as your eyes flutter closed, and your fingers find his hair to have something bracing you - every so often a line of lyrics makes it through the lusty, white-hot haze of your mind -  

Oh, oh, I want some more

Oh, oh, What are you waitin' for?

What are you waitin' for?

Take a bite of my heart tonight 

Your thighs clench around Bucky’s shoulders as a shuddering climax streaks lightning-hot through your body, head to foot. Heart racing, you peek open an eye to see the curve of his lips, smiling less wickedly now, but just as satisfied. You’re still trying to catch your breath as he tugs your skirt back down, rising back to his feet.  

“Consider it an appetizer,” Bucky teases lightly. “For later.”

“Later, hmm?” you ask with a raised brow.  

“Aren’t you gonna invite me home with you?” 

You giggle. Sitting tall on the edge of the vanity, you grasp his hands to pull him closer, and obligingly holds you around the waist, smiling stupidly down at you. The music below has stopped. Then, it starts again, lower, and more sultry. 

“Should I?” you tease back. “Seems like we’ve already had our fun.” 

“We can have more fun, babe.” 

“Oh, I see. Well, if you insist.” 

Bucky lets out a huff of amusement, and he dips his head to kiss you. With his strong arms holding you to his broad chest, his lips so soft and urging, and his hair so soft in your hands - you sigh into his mouth, but he only pulls you closer. 

I love you baby,

And if it’s quite alright with you baby,

I need you, baby,

To warm a lonely night.

I love you, baby…

He pulls away slightly, nuzzling his nose to yours as you sigh again, all contentment and lazy afterglow. Bucky is grinning as he brushes stray hair from your face. The way his gaze sweeps over your face just makes you feel so...wonderful and whole and loved and delirious on everything Bucky... 

“We should probably go back,” he says, a regretful flash in those blue eyes.

“Says who?” you say belligerently. 

“Says me. Let’s finish this later, when we’re not in a bathroom, ‘kay, babe?”

You roll your eyes, and Bucky pinches your chin. So you stick your tongue out at him instead. 

“None of that sass now,” he warns. “Don’t want people getting suspicious.” 

“Oh, please. Open bar. They’re drunk.” 

“Then we might be able to leave together without anyone noticing,”  Bucky chortles. “Come on. Duty calls.” 

You sigh and whine as he tugs you off the vanity to set gently on the floor - amazingly, your legs hold your weight (you’d wondered if you wouldn’t be able to stand) - and Bucky sends on your way with a gentle tap on your behind. A final glare back at him, and you slide out of the bathroom.  

Bucky is still feeling distinctly self-satisfied as he strides back into the party. Natasha is on the stage now, singing something he doesn’t recognize - and his eyes immediately find you at the bar, anyway. With Steve and Sam. Perfect. 

He sinks onto a stool beside Steve. Sam is giving him a funny look - Bucky shrugs back. Whatever that’s about.  

There’s a shrill, high giggle from you. Bucky quirks a brow, casting you a look - but with a drink in your hand and nudging Steve playfully, Bucky just shakes his head. He can guess your game. Hopefully no one else will.  

Natasha finishes to general cheers of approval. Of course. As soon as she steps off the stage, her eyes zero in on Steve - and Bucky finds himself laughing as Steve shakes his head vehemently at Nat. But it’s no use - she always gets her way in the end. One way or another.  

“Go on, Stevie!” you urge him on. “Your turn. Serenade us.” 

Steve slides off his stool, and slumps to the stage. Natasha takes his place. 

“Oh, phew,” you say next, as Steve is picking a song. “This drink was stronger than I expected.” 

Little liar. Bucky smiles to himself as you swirl the straw around, your eyes a little unfocused. Natasha and Sam are looking more concerned. 

“You okay?” Sam asks. “You can stay the night here, if you want.” 

“Ah - I can’t. Gotta feed my cat.” Your forehead scrunches very cutely - Bucky bites back a laugh. You don’t have a cat.  

“Sam could take you home if he wasn’t so tipsy himself,” Natasha laughs. “Wait ‘till Steve comes back.” 

“I’ll take you,” Bucky offers. “I can’t get drunk either, you know.” This for Nat, coupled with a glare that has her laughing again. He stands up, tugging the glass away from your lips as you try to take another sip. 

“Hey…” you protest. “That was mine…” 

“Let’s get you home, 28,” Bucky says sternly. “No embarrassing incidents tonight, yeah?” 

The pretend scowl you cast him is completely adorable. Bucky hoists you up, one hand firmly on your arm. Natasha is watching you carefully, for signs that you can’t walk - but you manage a few steps. And then stumble, clutching onto Bucky as he pretends to get a whiff of nasty drunk-breath. Sam laughs. 

“Call a cab,” he suggests.  

“I have better manners than that,” Bucky snaps, grabbing your clutch. 

“Don’t let the party go on too long without me,” you tell Natasha and Sam as he practically drags you away. “I wanna full detailed report in the morning, ya hear…” 

The crowd swallows you and Bucky, and your steps become sure and steady. The ground-level exit is close, and the heavy beat of the music as Steve wails like a dying cat fades away. Bucky starts to breathe again as he pushes the door open for you. 

Escape. At last.  

The summer night is a little muggy, but not in the sense of his skin melting off. More comforting. Lazy. Like blankets on a cool day. Or maybe that’s just because you’re beside him.  

For the briefest moment your head rests on Bucky’s shoulder. He glances down with a smile, his heart swelling - and your tilt your face up with a massive grin.  

“Thanks for walking me home,” you tell him, all sweet and coy.  

“Anytime, babe. Don’t want you getting lost or picked up or anything. In the state you’re in.” 

You laugh - a wonderful sound in the inky black of night. “If I’m drunk, it’s because of you,” you tease. “Golly, Buck, you just make my stomach all fluttery and my heart race and my brain to go - ” And you break off, making a whirr-whee sound that has Bucky chortling. 

“What a compliment!” he laughs. You preen, and your head rests on his shoulder again. A pause as the two of you wait to cross the street - and then steps sync as headlights blare.  

“So tell me,” Bucky says on the next block. “When’s your birthday?” 

“Oh, that’s classified,” you tell him with a grin. 

“Babe. You know I’m a super spy, right?” 

“Buck. You know I am too, right?” Your brow is quirked.  

“I just wanna celebrate you, babe. Is that too much to ask?” 

“It’s confidential, you goober.” 

Bucky narrows his eyes - but he’ll have to pursue the topic later. When you’re in a more forthcoming mood. Like when you’re underneath him, sighing and moaning and eager and desperate and soft and wet and hot -   

His pants are mighty tight, tonight.  

So he chooses a new topic - mostly to distract himself. “You know, there’s a bet goin’ around SHIELD about some guys getting you to agree to go on a date with them.” 

“Oh?” Your eyes light up with an interest that Bucky doesn’t particularly care for. “What’s the prize?” you ask slyly.

“You.” 

“The money, Bucky.” 

“Oh. A hundred bucks.” 

“Not bad,” you murmur. “Was hoping I’d be worth more, though.” There’s a crease between your brows - a sign of serious thought. Or at least a pretended sign of serious thought. Bucky narrows his eyes, squeezing your fingers in his with a frown.  

“Come on, babe - you can’t be considering it.”

“I’ll go on a date for a hundred bucks,” you say, grinning up at him. “If I expose their bet, they’d have to give the money to me - and then I can take you out somewhere nice.” 

Bucky rolls his eyes. “You’d date another guy just to take me out? We could just eat sandwiches naked and I’d be just as happy.” 

“Aw, come on,” you say lightly, poking him in the chest. “Don’t you think that would be fun? Scamming some agents for petty cash?” 

“Sounds like your idea of fun.” 

“You’d love it.” 

“...Probably.” Bucky is still frowning. “But that doesn’t mean I agree to it!” he add hastily, nudging you with his elbow. 

“Aww,” you pretend to whine, but your smile lights up your whole face. Soft and sweet - you’re just teasing. Bucky knows it. “One of these days I’ll get you to take me seriously.”

“Already do, babe,” he says with a long-suffering sigh. “Already do.” 

“How about this,” you suggest, that thoughtful crinkle between your eyes again. “You get in on the bet, and I’ll agree when you ask me. Then we get the money, and we can go on a date without people getting suspicious.” 

“Now you’re onto something.” 

You poke his side, and Bucky finally laughs - a little ruefully. 

“I’m jealous, alright?” he admits. “Don’t wanna see my girl off with another guy. She’s mine.” And he gives a little pretend growl, with makes you laugh, too. 

“Well, when you put it that way,” you tease. “I’m all yours, Bucky. You know that.” 

“I know.” His arm snakes around your shoulder, pulling you close as he drops a kiss on the top of your head.

A few more blocks to your apartment building. Quiet, for the middle of the night - it’s pleasant. And even more pleasant when you lead him into the building by the hand, and all the way up the dusty stairs to the door to your apartment. 

“Hey soldier,” you say lightly, turning to face him with that smile that makes his heart skip a beat. “Wanna stay for breakfast?”

“Depends,” Bucky snarks back. “What’re you serving? Eggs and bacon? Danishes? Orange juice?” 

Mischief lights up your eyes. “Me. Of course.” 

Bucky laughs. “I’ll stay.”

[indigomasquerade97]

A Shift In Perspective pt3

Okay, here’s the final part to my entry for @arc852 . Enjoy!

'Where the bloody hell is he?' Jack asked aloud, glancing again at the clock on the wall. It was nearly lunchtime, and Mark still hadn't returned home. He'd been gone nearly twelve hours now.

Jack fidgeted on the couch cushion. Mark had never done this before. He'd never just stay out all night like this.

Worst case scenarios began to form in his head. What if Mark had gotten hurt on his walk? Or kidnapped? What if the giant goober was dead? If anything had happened, there would be no way for Jack to find out. He couldn't open the door or windows, and even if he somehow found a way outside, he'd just be walking aimlessly in a world built exclusively for humans. And if any of them saw him, they were likely to snatch him up and he'd be stolen away from his search. Away from his best friend.

There would be no way for him to fight them, and they wouldn't listen to his pleas for search and rescue. He was just a dumb animal to humans, after all. Why would they ever listen to him?

Click.

Jack's head snapped up at the noise. The front door was creaking open. He sniffed, wiping at his wet eyes. He stood up, determined to hide his moment of indulging in depressive thoughts. He had a giant to reprimand.

As soon as Mark walked through the hallway, Jack let him have it.

'Mark Edward Fischbach! Where the fook have you been? I was worried sick, dude!' He yelled out, used to having to raise his voice to be heard by his human. His natural loudness helped immensely. Mark froze, his relieved smile turning into one of uncomfortable shock. Yeah, you'd better look uncomfortable, Jack thought irritably. How dare his human scare him like that!

Then someone was chuckling. A human wearing a dark cape sauntered in after Mark, looking thoroughly amused by the standoff.

'And I thought Takota was a handful.' He joked. He seemed amused that both of them had green dye through their hair, though the humans was a lighter, more vibrant colour.

'Uhhh... who's that?' Jack asked, trying to repress his initial fright at being around an unknown human. Mark was here. Jack was safe.

'Um... this is Jason.' Mark introduced awkwardly, and Jason waved pleasantly. He was shorter than Mark by a few inches, and younger than Jack first thought. He couldn't be older than eighteen. But he seemed non-threatening.

'Okay, pleasantries aside... Mark, where were you?' Jack demanded. Back on track. I'm mad at 'im!

The two humans shared a glance. Mark looked like he was lost for words. Jason looked amused, silently laughing at his struggle.

'Um... would you believe me if I said I was abducted by giant aliens? And Jason's one of 'em and saved me?'

Jack glared heatedly. Really? Mark was going to go with a ridiculous story like that?

'Do I look like a fookin' idiot?' He asked. Jason snorted, failing to hide his mirth.

'He ain't bluffin, half-pint. I got him and a bunch o' others out of the beginnings of a major slave trade. We only just got around to getting him home, since he's been trying to convince me to come for a drink the last hour.' Jason said, smiling warmly. Jack rounded his glare on him.

'Look, I know you humans think my kind are stupid and gullible, but aliens don't exist!' Jack declared. Jason raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

'A hundred years ago, humans didn't think you guys existed, either,' He said, leaning forward almost ominously, 'Just because you haven't met one, doesn't mean we don't exist.'

Then something frightening happened. Jason's form began to melt and pixilate, becoming a swarm of colours that squirmed and waved before returning to their initial pristine shape. Jack felt himself pale, especially when the kids eyes began flashing different colours.

'Expand your horizons, eh mate?' Jason said, leaning back casually with a small chuckle.

'Uh, anyone want something to drink? Okay, in here.' Mark quickly led Jason into the kitchen, which gave Jack a moment to compose himself. He blinked, a hand clutching at the thick fabric over his heart. Jesus, that was terrifying!

Mark returned soon after, holding a bottle cap full of soda and a giant cookie. He gingerly placed them in front of Jack.

'I, uhh... I'm sorry about scaring ya, dude,' Mark said timidly, smiling hopefully, 'Forgive me?'

Jack glared at him, then glanced at the cookie bribe. It was a chocolate chip, and looked delicious.

'Never! I'll never forgive you for abandoning me!' Jack declared dramatically, bending down to drag the cookie closer, 'I'll just take this with me!' He sat down and pulled off a chunk, taking a bite. Just as chocolatey as he'd hoped. Mark was smirking at him almost triumphantly. Jack pointed at him mock accusingly.

'This means nothing!' Mark laughed, gently nudging him with his knuckle. Jack nearly did a double-take; the familiar action was much slower and gentle, as opposed the the careless speed Mark usually portrayed.

'Whateva you say, leprechaun.'

'You two are adorable, you know that?' Jason said, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen. He held a small cup of water in one hand, which he didn't drink from.

'You aren't gonna have your drink?' Mark asked. Jason smiled, gently placing the cup on the coffee table.

'To be honest, this form can't actually consume food or liquids like that.'

'Then... why did you come over?'

'Truth be told, I wanted to see your relationship with Jack,' Jason said, looking sheepish, 'You guys really are close friends, huh?'

'Yeah...?' Jack said, glancing up at Mark. But he was too distracted to notice his silent look of inquiry.

'Actually, I was wondering if you two would like to partner up with us,' Jason continued, sitting down in a chair opposite them, 'I need to send a memo to my mentor so she knows this planet is liable to go down a dark road. We want to try and avoid that if possible.'

'And... where do we fit?' Mark asked. Jason sighed.

'This “pet trade” is unacceptable,' He said heatedly, 'I want to create a movement to outlaw the trade and form legal rights for the smaller folk.'

The two friends glanced at each other. A movement to put an end to the horrendous trade? Sure, their friend Phil was a lawyer and was doing what he could to help, but there was little support from the general public to support such a reform. But, if the alien truly wanted to help...

'How would we do this?' Jack asked, his interest peaked.

'We need to show the population that your kind is not the stupid, lesser beings that the media claims you are. If we can prove that, we can begin to show how both your species would benefit from a mutual agreement rather than a master/pet one,' Jason explained, 'They need to see a Tiny being treated as an equal rather than an animal. With enough exposure and prompted discussion, eventually the people will become more open to the idea and we will have a stronger case.'

'Well... it's Jack's choice, really.' Mark stated after a moment.

The two looked down at Jack, who felt put on the spot. He gulped, thinking it over. Their friends were very vocal about their views of Tiny's, and they were practically ridiculed for it. If they went on a higher scale like this, that mild ridicule could morph into full blown hate and death threats. It was risky...

But he thought about his family back in Ireland. They were constantly in fear of being discovered by humans. And if they ever were, they would be damned into a life of servitude for some human. There was no guarantee they would find a kind human, and even most of those still saw them as mere animals. If they could do this, they would not have to live in such fear. They would be free. He, and all his other friends would be free of the looming threat of losing ones free will.

'I want to help.' He declared, feeling determined. Nothing would deter him from this!

'Excellent,' Jason said, standing up, 'I will get in contact with you at a later date. For now, I need to get everything sorted.'

And then Jason fizzed out of existence, leaving no trace of his presence. The two friends were left alone. They looked at each other.

'So... you were serious before? About him being a giant to you?' Jack asked.

'Yeah.'

'… Did he grab you? Or pick you up?'

'… Yeah.'

'Did ya squeal like a wee girl?' Jack grinned as Mark blushed with embarrassment.

'A little, yeah.' Jack began to cackle with amusement.

'Ha! Oh jasus! Now you know what its like!'

~

Marshal strolled through the hallway, practically ripping his hair out. He tried desperately to ignore the men squabbling around him like seagulls, but found it harder than he thought.

'Sir, please-'

'Slow down-'

'Mr President-'

You have been missing for hours-'

'Where have you been?'

They were too loud. He needed to get away. He needed to think. He needed time alone!

He rushed towards his office, the gaggle of men still on his heels. He sighed, turning to face them once he got to his door.

'I will inform you of my whereabouts at a later date,' He said, discretely backing into the room, 'But for now, I need a few minutes to recuperate myself.'

He quickly shut the door, locking himself from their concerned demands. He sighed, resting his head against the cool wood. It was nice to be alone for a moment, even if he could still hear their muffled voices on the other side.

He turned to his office, the symbol on the polished floor shining despite the relative dark. Faint sunlight lit up the edges of the closed curtain, and he reached out to switch the light on. The lights remained stubbornly off, despite the repeated attempts.

Marshal sighed in annoyance, rubbing his temple as he strolled towards his desk. Light outages weren't common, and it made the actual occurrences all the more annoying. But he didn't open the door to inform anyone of the problem. If he did, the room would be invaded by the very people he was trying to get away from. But maybe a nap would be better than catching up on paperwork, anyway?

'Afternoon, sir.'

Marshal gasped, flinching back at the unexpected voice. His big chair spun around, revealing a pretty teen girl. She was wearing modest clothes, all black and making her partially blend into the dark. She had her arms crossed, a serious glint in her blue eyes as she silently appraised him. He took a deep breath, frowning at her. How did a sixteen year old girl get passed security?

'Who are you?' He demanded, 'How did you even get in here?'

'You can call me Ashley,' She said, smirking as she added sarcastically, 'and I fazed through the wall.'

'You aren't supposed to be in here!' Marshal said, stepping closer so he would loom over the shorter girl. His attempt to seem intimidating fell short when he tripped over his own two feet, planting a hand on the desk to keep himself from falling on his ass. She rolled her eyes at the pathetic attempt.

'I have to disagree,' She said, calmly standing up, 'We have a lot to talk about.'

Marshal shook his head, turning his back to her. He had to call in security. While he doubted the girl was a real sort of threat, he still couldn't allow someone to simply break into his office.

But he froze when he noticed the second intruder, idly throwing an apple in the air like a softball. Marshal felt his heart begin racing. Familiar dark green eyes, flaming lime hair, shimmering grey cloak... Jason smirked at his look of horrified recognition.

'Hey mate,' He muttered, cocking his head as he tossed the apple again, 'Didn't I saw we'd see each other again?'

Marshal opened his mouth to scream, but a slender hand covered it and effectively silenced him. He struggled against the girl, but her willowy form betrayed her strength. She had no trouble dragging him to his chair, dumping him into it.

Marshal was near hyperventilating, eyes darting between the two beings. There was little doubt in his mind that the two were aliens, though he didn't know how they were able to appear before him like this. Weren't they meant to be huge?

'W-what do you w-want with me?' He demanded, trying to keep himself from stuttering, and failing miserably. The girl looked sheepish, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. Jason's hard expression never changed as he tossed the apple.  

'Your planet is progressing to the point where our enemies are becoming aware of you,' She said, shrugging apologetically, 'We need to form a contract with you so we can legally get involved when they inevitably attack.'

'But... your just talking to me?' He asked. First contact should have been important enough to warrant a meeting with all world leaders, right? Then why were they only talking to him?

He flinched when Jason snorted, twirling the apple absently in his hands. As it was twirled, Marshal noticed a large slice had been cut out. With how he concentrated on twirling the fruit, it was almost reminiscent of a calming exercise... His eyes were quite red at that moment, though he never looked right at Marshal.

'Don't let your head swell, mate. The others are talking to other leaders as we speak,' He said, eyes flashing as he looked up to glare heatedly, 'Your not special enough to warrant special treatment!'

'Okay Jay,' Ashley warned, placing a calming hand on his shoulder, to which he backed down immediately, 'The world leaders will be getting in contact soon enough. We just wanted to have a word with you first.'

Marshal gulped, believing he knew exactly where this was going.

'Word about what?' He asked, hoping playing dumb would help him now.

'About that.' Ashley said, nodding to the cage sitting on a nearby desk. It was empty, the bowl of pellets untouched. His young female Tiny was instead sitting on the desk with her blanket over her shoulders, contentedly munching on a slice of apple as she watched the confrontation. When their eyes met, she smiled, but her eyes were full of dark glee and resentment.

Oh fuck...This isn't going to end well.

The end?

[midyearflowers]

Not to be scary but I want to know everything abt ur cat

honestly ive done this to so many people it was only a matter of time before someone told me to answer every question so its cool lol

1. Name?: ive got 2 but ill use Smokey for this since i hand picked him as a kitten2. Fur color?: grey with a white patch on his chest, mouth, and feet like little socks. some patches actually turn brown in the sun and when he was a kitten he had stripes3. Any family you know (other than you)?: i met both his parents and he has two siblings however we only have him. and my other cat Princess is his reluctant roommate4. Age?: hes a grandpa now at like 13/145. Favorite toy?: we have these plastic cage balls with tiny bells in them and he absolutely loses his mind when he hears it6. Nicknames?: dumbass, weiner, goober, smoters, buddy, dumb butt, poop machine, my boi, the list goes on man7. Cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: problematic fave for sure. hes a little shit. but i would also die for him8. Length of fluff?: i guess he would be a medium length9. Any funny habits?: literally everything he does. he makes this adorable little noise thats basically the “???” noise and when he drinks out of the toilet he stands on his hind legs and daintily dips his head down. he also looks like a galloping horse when he runs and his tail does this weird curve10. How old were they when you met?: i hand picked him as a kitten when i was like 1111. What does their food bowl look like?: a fuckin mess cause hes a slob. its shallow cause if we put too much food he eats until he throws up, thus the dumbass nickname12. Indoor or outdoor cat?: indoor for the same reason as Princess13. Recent picture?: boop and boop14. Old picture?: precious baby15. Cuddly?: oh hell yes he loves to snuggle up in your lap or on your chest. he would sleep hanging over my dads shoulder as a kitten and loves to be in contact with you16. Ever changed their name?: no i gave them the most stereotypical name since i was 11 and kept it18. Eye color?: a pretty emerald green with a tiny little brown speck in the right one19. How do they express love for you?: hes always licking me. every inch of skin. and he sounds like a motor boat when he snuggles up20. How do you express love for them?: i smother him with kisses and give him the chin scitchies he loves21. Any theories on what breed?: no idea. i honestly dont know much about cat breeds. they are just.. cats22. Do they ever wake you up?: GOD YES every single goddamn morning he is in my face licking me and pawing me cause he wants food23. How much do they meow?: he never used to be very vocal, only making that “???” noise but he meows more now. mostly when hes curious about something and not getting answers or when we come home24. Any hiding spots?: if he can get under it he will be there. the bed, the table, your chair, the china cabinet, you name it25. Do they enjoy guests?: yes and no. hes pretty friendly if theres only one person and theyre quiet but the moment my cousins step in he is gone26. Lofty objects to sit on?: loves to sit on desks and the backs of couches/chairs. we put the ottoman by the window so he can sit there too27. Wear a collar? (and describe collar?): no collar cause they never leave the apartment28. How much shedding?: lots. not as much as Princess and ive managed to clean him up a bit but man for a while there i wanted to fucking shave him29. Do they enjoy brushing?: yes though he is always trying to rub his face on the brush and will not sit still30. Ever drink from the toilet?: yea and he looks so silly doing it31. How do they get your attention?: stares at me for an uncomfortable amount of time, sometimes he meows, most of the time he licks himself cause i hate when they do that right beside me32. Embarrassing thing they’ve done?: i once saw him trip up the stairs cartoon style, back legs went up over his head and i could practically hear the sound effect33. Weirdest thing they try to eat?: cat eats his own fucking vomit man. he is a vile creature who will eat just about anything34. Are they like your siblings, children, or friends?: he is my boi, my son, my precious companion35. What time do they eat breakfast?: before we leave for work so usually 7:30-8ish36. Do you cut their nails?: yes tho he doesnt like it one bit37. Do you think they understand you?: hes done things in the past that suggest he can tell when i need comfort but other than that hes an idiot38. Ever make fun of them?: literally all the time. im doing it right now39. Do you take their picture often?: my computer is filled with cat pictures like you have no idea40. Ever hiss at you?: not that i recall41. Ever try to scratch or bite you?: he goes for the bite all the time but im so used to it i dont care42. If you try to grab their paw, what do they do?: pulls away or tries to lick my hand43. Do they ever eat bugs?: he has a few times if it ended up on the floor. but mostly he just likes to stare at it44. Canned or dry food?: dry food. god help me if he only wanted wet45. Weight?: we used to make fun of him for being fat but honestly he has always been lean and solid. hes mostly heavy cause of his size and build.46. Ever got lost?: not lost per se but there was one instance where he somehow got out  of the house without anyone noticing (back when he was with my dad) and suddenly he was just in the window panting from being out and about. im so glad he came back cause we never would have known otherwise47. Do you buy them presents?: not really. we have so many toys as it is48. Do they respond when you call?: most times. if hes hyper and i over the top call him over he comes bolting49. Do they ever see other cats?: he grew up with two cats, one old female and the other a male around his age. now he lives with Princess50. Declawed?: unfortunately yes. i was too young to have any say and it was a long time ago51. Funniest expression?: his wide eyed empty stare52. Favorite place to be pet?: he likes chin and butt scritchies and will always move his head to meet your hand53. Worst thing they’ve destroyed?: nothing really comes to mind but he has ruined some plants by eating them and then the carpet when he threw them back up54. Give them a head kiss.: absolutely55. What time of the year is most exciting for them?: i dont think he can tell the difference56. Are they good at hunting real prey?: i doubt it. hes a little too hyper for his own good57. Do they ever attack nothing?: sometimes yea58. What are they doing right now?: no idea cause hes in the other room. probably cuddling with my mom59. How long have you had them?: his whole life so about 13/14 years60. If you could have them stay as a kitten forever, would you?: honestly he still acts like one so the only difference is the size. but i like him as an adult. more to cuddle61. Ever baby-talk to them?: all the time. certain nicknames i will say in a baby voice62. Favorite napping position?: he likes to curl into a ball and turn his head upside down63. Have you ever stepped on their paw?: yes :(64. Ever tripped you on stairs?: not on the stairs but just about everywhere else cause hes so damn fast65. Any ear hair?: i think? idk i dont really look in his ears66. Favorite view from a window?: he likes to watch birds and cars67. Describe why they are precious.: he has been my baby for so long and i picked him myself and i can tell he is happy with me68. Fit the cat stereotype?: practically to a T69. Chaotic neutral?: chaotic chaotic more like it70. Do they enjoy following/ keeping you company?: yes he follows me around if im home alone and wandering from room to room thinking out loud71. Are you their favorite human?: i like to think so72. Do they like tv?: not so much recently but we used to leave the aquarium channel on for him73. Favorite noise to make?: his “???” noise makes my heart make a “!!!” noise74. If they were a Neko Atsume cat, what would their momento be?: a string with a bell on the end

thanks for the questions!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 5

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Hanna-Barbera present Hillbilly Bears - "Woodpecked" *To stop Maw from nagging his lazy ass, Paw hatches a plan that involves hooking two woodpeckers up, only it backfires, when their screwing reproduces.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The Robot versus The Aztec Mummy" *Bring me the head of Montezuma, and make it snappy. MOOVVIIEE SIGGGGNNNNN!* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Scare Tactics: ---- *Gorilla with a Fist: A slacker goes apeshit during an animal rights activist holdup at a crazy testing lab.* 2 1/2 stars

Anger Mis-Management: Aggression therapy gone wrong.* 2 stars

Fear Antics - The Mandroid: An idiot is convinced to act like a robot and wishes he hadn't when a slow thinking human goes crazy with a crowbar.* 3 stars

World's Scariest Flowers/Smell of Fear: A stalker's special delivery.* 3 stars

----

I'm Alan Partridge: The Talented Mr. Alan *"I was repellant, to women, for two years."* 3 stars

The Prisoner -- 1967 - 1968 -- "Arrival" *A Brit spy awakens in a sickly serene and isolated village from which there is no escape or cerebral evasion.* 3 stars

Shock 'Em Dead (Traci Lords) *A pizza slicin', and always being picked on, poindexter succumbs to the temptation of glowing green goo voodoo in order to become a 'rock god' in a prissy 80's hair-band.* 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Judy Miller Come On Down *A bitchy yuppy's boulevard of boring dreams.* 1/2 a star *Gameshow good fortune forces a 'days of future past' visitation experience.*      2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents J.J. Ambrams "Lost" (pilot episode) *"When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without, and zero stars for the vomit vision use of shaking camera

Hanna-Barbera present Jonny Quest: Arctic Splashdown *The team travel to the North Pole to play around with whales, seals, walruses, and the coca cola polar bears. They also try to stop a Ruskie submarine crew from tampering with a crashed, in the ice, rocket.* 3 stars

"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" *I was a stubborn human, refusing to give "Rise" a fair chance. I wanted humans, in ape costumes, acting ape. "Dawn" is smarter, and more well made, than any modern "Apes" movie has any right to be. Also, the scene where the villain ape rides horseback, through flames, firing twin machine-guns, during an all out ape-assault, on the human stronghold fortress is the most fun, and satisfying, thing that I've seen, in one of these "Apes" movies, since I first witnessed apes, on horseback, net a fleeing savage-human in the Charlton Heston' "Apes" classic.* 3 stars

Stargate -- Atlantis: "Rising" *Cracking through the ice to find the ancient city of the 'Gate Builders.' Genetically dialing into the unknown. Angels with ugly appetites.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Die, Zombie, Die... Again *Zombie Groundhog Day* 1 star

The Mothman Prophecies *An "It's A Wonderful Life" George Bailey type sad-sack goes chasing a shadowy figure through his own personal Unsolved Mysteries story.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Paranormal Activity" 2007 *Uninspired. for the immature,'shock' end similar to those trick internet videos where a Linda Blair face pops up and screeches when you're staring at something bland for a while.so uncreative that it's more of a threat to the art of filmmaking than digital piracy.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Swamp Thing: Spirit of the Swamp *Green thumb for a black rose.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Challenge of the Wizards *A wacky race, on horseback and roadwarrior vehicles, through a destroyed sin city, for the prize of the ultimate wizard's helmet.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow: "Pink Cupcakes" *Small screen jealousy. Picnic poisoning attempt. Girl with a goober gynecological visit. Gay bar American Psycho. Strongman finger torture. Missing maid's daughter. Lobster Boy looking for true love. Morbidity fame dreams. More David Bowie.* 3 stars

Bob Clampett's "Beany and Cecil" 1962 *"Your obedient serpent" a cartoon dragon handpuppet searches for a treasure in goldfish, solves an illegal eagle's bald shame, and screws up looking after the taco bell dog. Complete with commercials for Chatty Cathy, Matty Mattel, and Casper dolls, along with a Beany toy helicopter hat, plus the kid from 'Lost in Space' gets his own Dick Tracy official snub-nose revolver and tommy-gun (so realistic, modern parents' groups would be up in arms, ha.)* 3 stars

Silent Hill: Revelation *Ned Stark, and his bastard, try to protect Alice from underland. Flawed, but a better frightmare than its cousin series, Resident Evil.* 2 stars

Dr. Caligari 1989 *New-Wave Psycho-Sexual DADA Expressionism* 3 stars

Max Headroom --pilot episode-- "Blipverts" *Network 23's hotshot reporter is serious about getting a story, even if the higher ups are willing to snuff him out to stop it. That story being that subliminal sales messages cause slovenly viewers to suddenly 'splode.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "Mad Monster" *Long in the tooth, and low on thrills, tale of a lobo named Petro.* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Amityville 2: The Possession *Building on burial ground. Basement from hell. Blasphemy. Bad ideas coming from the voice in the headphones. Big, mean daddy. Bad parenting. Beating the kids. Blessing a bloody bed. Bellybutton penetration. Body horror. Bad touch with sister. Blue confession. Black mood birthday. Bullets for loved ones. Batshit defense in court. Bureaucracy of the church. Boy saved by sacrifice. Being forsaken.* 3 stars

Heart She Hollers: And So It Begends *The "Boss" of a grotesque backwoods town tries to continue to micro-manage from beyond via a surreal video-will and his idiot son that he kept secretly bricked up until now.* 2 1/2 stars

"Born Innocent" (Linda Blair) *Cold, mechanical 'justice' for juveniles. Few caring influences. Peers that are jealous hurtful monsters. Disinterested or damaging parental figures. Yearning and underdeveloped 'wards' of whoever is forced to deal with them, and it's unfortunately a system drained of any constructive compassion or intelligent humanity.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: *Zombie Baby: The crew think they have a great idea, a zombie baby (rolls eyes). And they keep screwing up the gross birth scene and nervous kiss scene.* 1 star *Stunt-Double: The chubby mama's boy can't be thrown out of a window, so... a black guy has to take the plunge, instead.* 1 star

The Walking Dead: Self Help *Abraham scares people. He scares his family into fleeing from him, in a flashback, resulting in their deaths. He's about to commit suicide when he meets Eugene and finds his new purpose in life. Eugene needs to watch Abraham and Rosita have sex. He also needs people to believe he's smart. It's been tearing at him and he must confess his dark secret, but this might tear Abraham, and everyone else in the group, apart.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues --pilot episode-- "Station" *Happy go lucky until it gets heavy and hits with a hard left hook.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In: The New Kids *Two orphaned army brats go to live at their uncle's rundown carnival/petting zoo in backwoods Florida where a gang of good ole boys (lead by a creepy James Spader), who won't take no for an answer, decide to make their lives a living hell. Hicksploitation from the creator of the original Friday the 13th.*3stars

William Friedkin's "The Guardian" *A wood nymph (is that what she is?) who frolics & forest bathes nude. A killer tree, like  from Evil Dead, that rips people apart. Fairytale like wolves devouring human flesh. Nice modern architectured home. Beautiful wind cinematography like an Andrei Tarkovsky film. Skinemax levels of eroticism. Hansel & Gretel. Hand That Rocked the Cradle. Jeep Wrangler to the rescue. A little ham-fisted. Fun gore fx.* 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: Legacy of Terror *For a year, Erik Estrada's character, PEPE, gets to hangout in a high-end hotel, play a flute, and be pawed over by beautiful blondes. That is if he willingly sacrifices his heart to an Aztec mummy. The fifth sacrifice in an every fifty two year ritual where the heroic are skewered so the blood god will someday rise again.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi's "Darkman" *Liam Neeson channels Lon Chaney & Boris Karloff doing Tex Avery & Chuck Jones cartoon  stunts meets a macabre moody Bruce Timm & Paul Dini cartoon story in one of the first truly good comic style movies.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Corner of the Eye *A dying priest, suffering from demonic visions, is all out of bubblegum, and patience, with his alien overlords, even though they've given him a seemingly miraculous gift.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents: The Bermuda Triangle -1978- *"Annoying sounds and boring repeatitive visuals, Bermuda Triangle, you spoil me."*  3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Adult Swim, Newsreaders: *Motorboating Dads: Bros give parental advice for sons.* 2 stars *The Negative $100,000 Question: Smug,unfunny Children's Hospital"celebrity."* zero stars

The Simpsons: Itchy & Scratchy *"So television is responsible!" For the problems with the youth, today, that is. Ahead of its time in pointing out how media protests groups are misguided, could be making better use of their time, and hypocritical. Though it doesn't go easy on the media, either, which is why shows like Simpsons & South Park can be such good satires.* 3 stars

"Wavelength" 1983 *Sublime, stranded and subdued Navi 'children' send out strong signals that they'd like to  unobtain our stringent hospitality in this low fi sci fi forgotten classic.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Zombie Fun Run *The town asses (Thr33 Days Dead) organize a run-from-zombies-a-thon, and the town's assclown (Ben Farley) causes one of the town's jackass mascots (a mule statue) to get ran over, leading to the town's asshole authorities going out and catching Thr33 Days Dead with their pants down and their ass hanging out when they ask them to stop being a zombie pain in the ass all over town and ban them from filming in Jas(s)per.* 2 stars

Twin Peaks: The Path to the Black Lodge *"We are all God's fools, more or less, but you will learn, as I have, the value of hate."* 3 stars

Joseph Zito & Tom Savini present "The Prowler" 1981  --Veteran's Day Movie-- *I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places that this heart of mine embraces... I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be slashing you... and pitchforking too...* 3 stars

Chuck Jones' "Yankee Doodle Cricket" *Call it macaroni* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Peckinpah's "The Osterman Weekend" *A cynical, Cold War, conniving version of 'The Big Chill.'* 3 stars

"Thr33 Days Dead" (Why not two e letters instead of two of the number 3? It doesn't look 'cool' and it becomes possible to mistake the title for a 'The 33 Days Dead,' at a glance.) *Plague of the 'People of Walmart'* 2 1/2 stars (It's more entertaining than Birdemic) or 1 1/2 stars (It's almost as poorly made as Birdemic) ---(((this movie is just asking to be riffed by rifftrax)))---

Scare Tactics------------ season 2 episode 6 *: A plumber's helper stumbles onto (Silence of the Lamb's) Buffalo Bill's messy bathroom secret.* 3 stars

*: "Are you kidding me, bro?... WTF, bro?..." Late night, middle of nowhere, construction site, strange cult terrorizing a bro scenario.* 2 1/2 stars

*: "You got me trippin'... I watch 'shit' on t.v." A goofy girl gets going- going- gone, when Mummyhotep begins to step.* 2 1/2 stars

*: A telekinetic tween's tantrum.* 2 stars

----------------------------------------------------

X Files ---pilot episode--- *A logical, lady FBI agent gets assigned to keep tabs on the guy, in the basement, lurking in the unexplained phenomena cases.* 3 stars

Bizarre Foods -- Ireland: Ancient Bog Butter *Waxing poetic over 3,000 year old marsh gunk.* 2 1/2 stars

A Return to Salem's Lot --1987-- *Diverges, almost entirely, from the mood and suspense of Tobe Hooper's Salem's Lot. I don't even see this as being the same Salem's Lot setting as that first tv movie. That one was quirky, to an extent, but this one is really quirky. It's a Larry Cohen style (It Lives & The Stuff) 'American Gothic' fatherhood/son struggle and a secret society / corrupt small town stake to the heart of a movie. Featuring a young Tara Reid as a Lucy Westerena type, an old bitter Jewish man as a nazi hunter turned Van Helsing, and a cultural anthropologist who ironically has to try to destroy one of the oldest fabled civilizations.* I give it between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Blood Wind *A mason jar filled with murderous moonshine mist that puts everyone in a killer rage. Mr.Butterfingers, Swamp Thing, accidentally lets the lid off of it to hilarious results. The craziest, best episode yet.* 3 stars

Farscape: DNA Mad Scientist *On a rock, covered with giant dinosaur bones, floating in a cold corner of space, a grotesque menagerie of lab workers now serve one of their experiments gone wrong. A stilt stepping, kinky outfit wearing, feline-esque Dr. Frankenstein seeks out all the best traits of every living creature, in the known universe, in order to further advance its own twisted evolution.* 3 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: Love and Power *The speculative power of computer systems versus the supreme success of global forces  like the Chinese. The desires of self superior people like Ayn Rand versus the so called weak and in need. Also, for some reason, a lot of looking back at Monica Lewinsky on her knees.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -- Asylum -- "Welcome to Briarcliff" *There are none so blind as those who will not willingly receive electroshock treatment and give morning confessional.* 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: A Tale of Two Dentists *Neglecting needs of his customers and wife leads to Bob losing them both, and both being  diddled by a bogus dentist & real looney known by the alias Harry Ramsbottom.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: "The Colour of Alan" *"I am happy. That may vwwewy wewwl be because I'm on morphine."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Episode 5 *A shaken teen girl, from Sin City, is seeing the scarred and strangled spirit, of a San Antonio teen girl, who died around the same age as she is during the paranormal state investigation of the situation.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's 'Kingdom Hospital' season 1 episode 2 *"Inside the skull is another universe. The strangest, scariest haunted house of them all." Or in Lars Von Trier's and Stephen King's cases, a silly sausage factory featuring surgeons with unzipped flys, creepy ice cream man demons, aardvark assassins, and candle light dinners in the morgue.* 3 stars

--- Hanna-Barbera --- Hillbilly Bears: "Modern Inconvenience" *Paw gets mangled by Maw's flirtation with the new-fangled.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Valley of the Man-Apes *To protect the village of the Lollipop Guild, a group of stinky simians must be stopped from reassembling an abandoned movie studio's animatronic King Kong.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's 'Drive-In Theater' presents "The First Power" *Another dime-a-dozen body hopping demonic serial killer thriller. Lou Diamond Phillips' idea of playing a hardboiled detective is to pass an unlit cigarette between his lips and his fingers, constantly, and to wear a heavy, black trenchcoat, during the heat of the day, in downtown Los Angeles. The Richard Ramirez type, "Pentagram Killer," has satanic powers of a super human variety. Also, a lot of side characters' stunt doubles doing unintentionally comedic acrobatics and kicks to the groin.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Women of the Prehistoric Planet *Time paradoxes. Stereotype sneaky "Japs." Toasted thunder-lizard. Rubber snake attack. Tropical set design studio setting. Rodney Dangerfield wannabe comic relief. Death by "plush toy" hopping spider on a wire. A boy, 'all alone,' named Tang. Blue Lagoon romance picnic. Red hiney monkey. Racist astronaut shoots the first minority he sees. Feel good ending where the two minority lovebirds are abandoned, by the spaceship, on a paradise planet, with an extremely active volcano and killer cavemen.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star w/out

Hanna-Barbera -- Jonny Quest: The Curse of Anubis *Hadji's Hindu whack a mole magic, flute serpent charming, and Jonny's motorscooter camel-jockey skills help stop a doomed thief from uniting the Arab world against the West via insinuation involving iconography and superstition.* 3 stars

Sam Raimi's "The Quick and the Dead" *Vengeance is mine, said the Lady to the Lord. A Sharon Stone western shouldn't work, but it does.* 3 stars

Space Rage: Breakout on Prison Planet --1985-- *There aren't any spaceships firing at each other in asteroid storms, though there is a arcade asteroids machine in a bar. This is a space frontier, corrupt penal/mining colony western. There are no laser blasters, only traditional western handguns, shotguns, and rifles. Replacing spaceships are dunebuggies. Replacing an otherworldly planet is the California desert. There's a great, constantly playing, punk-western soundtrack, and Richard Farnsworth, Michael Pare, and John Laughlin are badass as usual.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Sympathy for the Devil *Harmonica playing, mystical gem having, ageless child of evil -who needs to be and deep down wants to be put at rest.* 3 stars

Transformers: Fire in the Sky *Christmas/New-Ice-Age in July, when the Decepticon grinches try to turn the earth's core into a cold day in hell. Luckily for earth and the Autobots, an unfrozen, gigantic robot makes the right decision and sacrifices itself for its love of science and all creatures, including humanity.* 3 stars

South Park: The Magic Bush *"Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take a picture of itself."* 2 1/2 stars

Comic Book Men: Brony Con *Grumpy forty-something comic nerds attempt a Vaudeville two-man horse act at a convention for twenty-something male hipster fans of a little girls' pony cartoon.* 2 stars

Adult Swim ==off-the-air== "Seramthgin" *Nightmarishly surreal art video garbage played, mostly, in reverse.* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Going Nuclear *Citizen Z's paddle ball dexterity. Mt. Rushmore defaced. Glow in the dark zombies. Stealth until a zombie alert fart. Radiation sickness. Stopping a nuclear meltdown in the Black Hills. Twirling, Donatello-esque ninja staff that's actually a really long handled hoe. Hazmat suits & ammo. Radio controlled drone robot named Robbie who has a lazer cutter for mowing down zombies. Fueling up on vodka. Fleeing from fallout in a small aircraft and of course crashing. Citizen Z 'checks' zombiepedia (lame joke.) Zombie sign language? Murphy wearing a little girls' pink & cute spikes backpack. Zombie puppy love. What really is mercy?* 3 stars

--- Paul W.S. Anderson's "Soldier" starring Kurt Russell

*Thematically like Stallone's 'First Blood' mixed with Terminator 2 and other outerspace and post-apocalyptic genre movies.

Finger painted in the most broad, obvious, hack ways possible.

Supersoldier has never seen a pretty lady, so he daydreams about the one time he saw her nipples under her shirt.

Supersoldier is suffering ptsd, so he freaks out over Santa at Christmas party.

Supersoldier doesn't know how to deal with kids, so he tries to teach a kid to bash a poisonous snake's brains out.

Supersoldier is feeling sad for the very first time, so we zoom in close up on a tear streaming down his face.

Supersoldiers need to be tested, American Gladiator competition is orchestrated.

Married couple is getting romantic on a planet with limited supplies and garbage everywhere, hundreds of lit candles love scene.

Thin mustached military commander villain's gotcha moment is pissing down his pants leg in fear...*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Stepfather" *There were no real Freddy Kruegers running around in suburbia, in the 80s, but there were actually psychos like this. A Fox News fan type dad is a little too into 50s era family "perfection," and when things don't go his way, he heads down to the basement to beat on his workbench with a hammer, and when he can't take it anymore, he heads upstairs and bangs on the family with the hammer. When he's done there, he catfishes the "perfect" next family.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Cupid's Quiver *When you're skeezy, it's love made easy. The poor, wretched bastard, in this one, oozes, and then drips desperation from his every pore.* 3 stars

ABC's Selfie: A Little Yelp From My Friends *I expected this to be another obnoxious sitcom like Big Bang Theory or 2 Broke Girls, but it's more like Ally McBeal. A real bait and switch. The topic as it has been thrown out there in the media would make one think it would be about a total social media whore with constant references to current social pop culture, but it's really more of a show about a pathetic weirdo and her bizarre, unsocial behavior, and the one genuine person (Harold from Harold & Kumar) who actually cares about helping her cross that bridge back into the real world.* 2 1/2 stars

E! Total Divas: The Double Cross *One diva trades her vibrator for a date with an NFL hunk. Another diva gets jealous when her man's (pro wrestler John Cena) ass is going to be shown in a movie love scene. Also, at a movie premier for a comedy flick, starring the twin divas, the big muscled pro-wrestler puts on a blue monkey suit, and the butt and breast implant diva, along with her man, sit stoned-faced during a supposedly funny scene. Odd and insipid reality show trash.* zero stars

MTV's True Life: I Have A Strange Phobia *One Italian-American young man can't even pee in a public restroom. He has to get in his car, get on the freeway, and drive all the way home and scrub the toilet with cleaner and antibacterial products before the act. (Why not pee outside, in public, behind a dumpster or building or car? It's not really polite behavior, but it would save the trouble of going home and cleaning. And, why not just aim really well when you pee at  home or not care if you pee on the seat?) The next, unfortunate, case is about a young woman who is deathly afraid of pigeons. I think there's some other attention issues there, or maybe a bit of deceit going on where the girl just wanted to get on MTV.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -- Murder House -- "Murder House" *As much a love letter to true crime history of Los Angeles as it is a ghost story. And the haunted people and haunts themselves have more personality and poignancy than most ghost stories.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Under the Bed *A child psychologist struggles with a cryptozoology related child abduction.* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: Consumed *Getting the drop on crash test dummies.* 3 stars

Adult Swim --fake infomercials-- "Smart Pipe" *Taking smartphone app use to its inevitable pinnacle by having the waste management of the world's pipes turned into an opportunity to scan shit and then use that information to in turn sale more shit to the masses.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Sheriff-in-Law *Daddy don't come around here anymore, and we're all glad he doesn't.*3 stars

MTV's "Slednecks" episode b (b because the "writers" were lazy) *Bros go Go-Go dancing. 4 wheel drive pickup truck versus airboat in a tug o war match. Drunk skanks pissing in the snow. Feeding buttered toast to the wildlife. Tundra wookies at tha club. You know, typical Alaska stuff. Saddening that this kind of stupidity is going on in one of the last frontiers. I've never more wanted a moose to kill someone since back in the day when Fox would air those 'When Animals Attack' videos.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow -- "Bullseye" *Desert butterflies* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones --Season 3-- Episode 2-- *Lions, piggies, crows, wolves, and a hound.* 3 stars

USA network's --Chrisley Knows Best-- "Jugs and Ammo" *Boob cake for 100 dollars. Boob job for your daughter 30,000 dollars. Protecting your sixteen year old beauty pageant girl's "vag of honor" untold dollars. Making  your redneck son-in-law uncomfortable because he thinks that you're a closet homosexual is priceless.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

Animal Planet's --Finding Bigfoot-- "Turtleman's Bigfoot" *for some unknown reason, MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and 30 Rock's "Bobo" travel to Kentucky to holler hunt a primate with Jim Varney's nephew Ernie the "Turtle Man."* 2 stars

rifftrax presents The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers *Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Adult Swim -- "Too Many Cooks" *Never ending 80s tv theme song intro video parody turned massacre.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Knightly Murders *Balefully back, from the Black Ages, with a big axe to grind.* 2 1/2 stars

Gargoyles: Temptation *Goliath's former piece-of-tail tries to put him back under her spell.* 3 stars

Stargate --Atlantis-- "Hide and Seek" *You're not yourself when you're hungry, or an energy entity. Eat a Snickers, and be like Doug Flutie.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Babadook" *Illustrating one's insecurities into isolation, insomnia, and insanity.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Saturday Night Special *Yuppy dating schemes and dreams come apart at the seams.* 1 1/2 stars *Springwood beautification project leaves a plain jane feeling numb.* 2 stars

South Park: Freemium isn't Free *Temptation. Addiction. Boring Gaming. Gambling. Micro-Transactions. Trendy drinking. Denial drinking. Pussy advertising. The Prince of Canada. The Canadian Devil.* 2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Loved to Death *More than a minute of seeing man-sized-shaped Mariel Hemingway in lingerie is like an eternity in hell.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive-In presents "Night Angel" *So bad it's good, succubus-slasher softcore-skinemax-style flick.* 1 1/2 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Courtin' Disaster *Haltin' hatin' the Hoppers, like they's was Hatfields, in hopes of havin' Hottiebear hitched.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics --Season 2-- episode 7 *Meat locker scab wishes he hadn't swept the salt off the floor after he meets the one armed mangler who had the job before.* 2 stars *"Pretty big, probably around 5 foot 9 or 6 foot 2" webcam show babehouse psycho slasher that ruins a horny, dumb guy's first night on the peep job.* 3-stars *Digging a hole, in the desert, for a lazy mobster.* 2 stars *Poltergeist -heather o'rourke- style closet scare* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State season 1 episode 6 *This haunted place is for the dogs...* 3 stars

"Intruders" CBS 1992 *Abductee: I was taken aboard a spaceship, by little grey men, and experimented on. / Psychologist: No, you were molested, in a barn, by your cousin.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Test of Strength" *"Come as you are" as ruined by the folks from GLEE. Strong Man vs. Amazon Lady. You're my dad, dad. Earl (Dell) had to die - Carnival Dixie Chix. Two-Headed blackmail. Dreadful Penny. Penny's dreadful dad. Tattoo nightmare. Dandy not feeling dandy.  Surgeon suicide. Blonde ambition makeover.* 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Hand *"Eat, drink, and be merry. Tomorrow, you die." Then, it's all fingerwalking on the darkside, you dig?* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

Jonny Quest: Pursuit of the Po-Ho *Lost tribe lunar sacrifice lunacy.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Grotesquery *A case of toxic swamp ass lands ST in a two-bit big top, where it's all soggy tater chips and being caged while being poked with a stick with the rest of the misbegotten misfits.* 2 stars

"The Shuttered Room" 1967 *Hostile Arkham homecoming. Where the isolated islanders hold strong to ignorant superstition, when they're not trying to tear someone to shreds.* 3 stars

Z Nation: Sisters of Mercy *Survivors of a Utah Mormon "sisters wives" style society form a militant lesbian ladies only cult. No "Ah, not the bees!" moment or bearsuit disguise, but similar to Nic Cage's predicament. Story focuses on the two least interesting characters, the crazy redhead chick and her wannabe boyfriend, and not enough Murphy moments, though his getting "pie" scene is hilarious. False advertisement with the unfortunately underused zombie bear. I was hoping that it would maul the Sisters of Mercy.* 2 stars

Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead *A Home Alone orphan vigilante brat and a Grace Jones / Pam Grier -esque kung fu sista join Reggie to fight Return of the Living Dead style zombies with attitude. The actors playing Mike & Jody almost seem out of place in their own series, but Reggie excels in a more Sam Raimi plus Bruce Campbell horror-comedy environment. I think I figured out who the Tall Man is supposed to represent, Sam Walton, the founder of WalMart.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Stalker from the Stars *It twas a simple sinus sniffle twitch kill't the strigoli at that snowy eskimo carnival.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Heavy Metal Queen *ride the lightning and chase the thunder with a prairie oyster.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: The Chimes of Big Ben *There's not enough hours in the day to sail away. So, pick up a required hobby.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Rakers *Taking a stand against mindless television violence with a sport of "refined aggression." Risking everything professionally for a personal bond of obligation with an estranged and wreckless loved one.* 2 1/2 stars

Larry Cohen's "The Ambulance" 1990 starring Eric Roberts *A sinister old school style ambulance stalks the streets of NYC picking up sick people and then not taking them to the hospital but instead to an insane doctor who experiments on them and sells them to shady medical labs. Spooky.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Adult Swim's "Sit Down and Shut Up" --pilot episode-- *animated with the whimsy of nickelodeon or cartoon network kids cartoons but with the right amount of offensive humor for the slacker 3am audience.* 2 stars

SyFy's "Ascension" --preview-- 'Building the World' *Nice to see SyFy actually spending some money on a show's elaborate production.* 3 stars

CMT's "Redneck Island" Dec 2014 -season preview-

with host "Stone Cold" Steve Austin *"I wouldn't even introduce you to my dawg! MY DAWG, YA HEAR!"* 1 star

Hill Street Blues: Presidential Fever *A matter of pride. Two partners struggle with the distance between each other after being shot on duty. An undercover gets 'ruff' with rape suspects. Lady attorney holds her own with police chief lover. Gangleaders precinct meeting to hold a truce during Presidential visit. NYPD Blue's David Caruso as a top-hat wearing Irish gangbanger. Hick cop hassles the wrong barrio & almost goes vigilante to heal a wounded ego.* 3 stars

"Open House" 1987 starring Adrienne Barbeau *John Tesh is trying to reason with a rabid dog when Charles Bronson walks up and shoots it between the ears. Los Angeles, the land of broken dreams. there's only so many options for the down on their luck to vent. one is to call in crazy to the talk radio stations. another is to act like an obnoxious slob. then, there's the nutbags who'd like to find absurdly creative ways to kill the chippy sales people of that broken dream.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Crawling Eye *Slight fever in the Swiss Alps, with cyclops brainball tentacle aliens who like things frigid and hate telepaths.* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

X Files: Deep Throat *Aim high, in the Air Force, and be an alien spacecraft test pilot. Side effects may not be worth it. It's 2 the xtreme, says 90s stoner, Seth Green.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Dark Matters *Melodramatic ghost brother space catastrophe* 2 stars

Michael Crichton's "Runaway" 1984 starring Tom Selleck *Jargon, jargon, household robots gone haywire. Jargon, jargon, science dept. mustache cop. Jargon, jargon, spider assassin robots. Jargon, jargon, Gene Simmons techno-terrorist. Jargon, jargon, magic heat-seeking bullets. Jargon, jargon, vertigo-tinged thriller climax.* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Steel and Lace" *Willard's Bruce Davison creates a cyborg out of his sister, Shannon Tweed (Gene Simmons' long-time girlfriend), years after her suicide resulting from a non-conviction for a group of corporate buddies who raped her in an alley. The sexy cyborg seduces then performs gruesome fatalities on the slimeballs.*  stars 2 1/2

Freddy's Nightmares: Sister's Keeper *Freddy turns the twin daughters, of the cop who was a thorn in his side in life, against each other.* 2 stars *Freddy is determined to make one of the twins an only child.* 2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "Vampire Circus" 1972 *A morose quarantine livened with a sanguinary shadow puppet sex show.*  stars 3

American Horror Story -Asylum- "Tricks and Treats" *Sticky caramel on the mossy banks of a Stygian river.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Brave Alan *"The worth of boast worlds."* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: A Night In *Boring and barren, but better off than the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: The Use and Abuse of Vegetational Concepts *make like a tree and be a leaf / a cog in the machine or don't because it's a false belief.* 3 stars

"Dreamscape" 1984 *David Patrick Kelly is a creepier dream demon than Robert Englund.* 3 stars

South Park: Grounded Vindaloop *The boys try to figure out which one of them is actually stuck in virtual reality limbo. Real world Butters is cutely portrayed.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Hybrid to Hell *"Hawt Rawkin' Santy Claus in a bubble globe."* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Natural Enemy *ST beats science to the punch, when he swats and splats Beelzebub.* 2 stars

--- Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 9

*Party van fails to take police warning and runs into vampire bikers on a desert highway.* 3 stars

*Hysterical hissie over a hybrid dwarf-critter.* 3 stars

*"You ever step on a landmine, before?" nervous and shaken response "Nah, I'm from Cleveland." 2 1/2 stars

*The show's new host, a Baldwin brother, is traumatized when he's not recognized after shedding the disguise of a scary mob boss.*

1 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 7 *A cemetery caretaker stews and his wife claims to suffer after sticking in a hole, and covering with cement, an urn of unclaimed cremated remains that had sat on their shelf for years.* 2 stars

Insidious: Chapter 2 *That's not my husband. That's the spirit of a crossdressing serial killer. Again with the Ed Gein/Norman Bates mommy issues killer and somehow crossed with the crazy killer dad -like the Shining. Also, I could do without the lame antics and shaking camera  ghosthunting of the two paranormal hipster nerds. Still, I very much enjoy the eerie astral projection limbo world.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: A Cup of Time *Old age is wasting the youth, when youth aren't wise enough not to drink from its cup.* 2 stars

The Walking Dead: Crossed *Rick Grimes used to be a cop. Emphasis on used to be. Now, he's cold blooded. Come to think of it, then again...* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Halloween" *"find my nest of salt, everything is my fault... choking on the ashes of our enemies..."* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dead Right *It's a given that grotesque Jeffrey Tambor will gore gorgeous gold-digger Demi Moore.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Corpse Vanishes *"A cockeyed nightmare or a nighteyed cockmare?!"* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1/2 a star without

Tex Avery's "Jerky Turkey" 1945 *"Don't eat at Joe's"* 2 1/2 stars

"Thankskilling" 2009 *"No more pumpkin pie, no more cranberry sauce, just turkey..."* 1 star

Twin Peaks: Miss Twin Peaks *Which way to the castle? Where there's a key, there's always a lock. Fear and love open the door.* 3 stars

"Dreamchild" 1985 (with Jim Henson creature shop puppetry) *Ian Holm makes a better Jack from the Titanic, for Alice in Wonderland's  elderly Alice, than Leo DiCaprio ever could. Also, Peter Gallagher is certainly more charming than Billy Zane. He's more of a sly weasel too.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones -Season 3 -episode 3 *"In the grave, there are no masters."* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater presents "Posed for Murder"

with special guest host Elvira *A generic softcore thriller about an adult magazine centerfold being stalked by a psychotic motorcycle glove and every meathead who wants to screw her. It's one of those bad movies where the lyrics of the songs, playing throughout, sync up with the on screen stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Cutting Cards *Compulsive rivals go head to head til the last stump standing.* 2 1/2 stars

"Paradise" 1982 *A very Biblical man, Willie Aames, watches his parents get murdered by bandits, then flees and gets stranded with a beautiful maiden, Phoebe Cates, in a desert/tropical oasis where he sneaks peeks at her sinful nudity, tries to keep a chimpanzee from self pleasuring, destroys dirty medical texts, and tries to keep an Arab jackal from stealing his woman and deflowering her.* 2 stars

Farscape: They've Got A Secret *Space whale calf care is killing the crew, and crossbreeding with the empire's clone troopers is strictly forbidden and must remain emotionally hidden.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Waltz for Venus *Lacking one quality but heightening another's fluidity.* 3 stars

Hillbilly Bears: Stranger than Friction *monkeying around with hospitality can get ya head blown't off* 2 1/2 stars

Z Nation: Murphy's Law *Every ridiculous thing this show tries to do somehow works. Drug addicted zombies, check. Viagra sex zombies, check. Murphy having telepathic control over the infected, check. The most surprisingly effective show of the year. Each new episode is something new. Rarely boring or stagnant in an all too boring and stagnant apocalyptic / zombie / survival horror genre.* 2 1/2 stars

"Walking Tall" 1973 *Landmark hicksploitation with Buford on par with Leatherface in terms of legend. A yarn that satisfies in its visceral exaltation of justice, while still having enough subtext about the road of revenge being a ragged one.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Youth Killer *sucking the life out of the singles scene* 3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear presents

"Fright Night" 1980s version -------------------------------

*Necking with your girl while watching late night vampire horror hosted by a faux vampire slayer from such movies.

USA network has the world's hottest show 'Baywatch' five nights a week.

For the girls of paradise call 431 Girl at 2.50$ a minute.

Psychic Talk USA... are you astounded?

La Femme Nikita, Sunday Nights on USA the cure for the common show and the common boner.

Has your neighbor committed homicide? this horror obsessed kid thinks so.

Having a horrific mental breakdown? don't turn to the town Beavis for understanding.

99cent psychic encounters. It sounds dangerous. But damn affordable. 800 Predict. I predict that if you call, you'll be out 99cents.

Rhonda is at her wedding reception, where she's trying out two potential hubbies. One is a morose long haired artsy guy and the other is a big, fat cowboy with his big, fat mama who thinks that Rhonda has child bearing hips enough to produce fifteen younguns

"Someone knows their secret." I Know What You Did Last Summer, now playing in theaters everywhere.

back to the ‘’up all nite’’ movie,

the fearless vampire slayer gets fired from his job and vents on his hatred for 80s slasher monsters like Jason.

Apparently vampires yawn in the evening and are groggy when they take phone calls.

Stephen King's "Thinner" available now at videostores everywhere.

You never thought it possible, the Motorola Wordline Pager with streaming text updates  in the palm of your hand in black and grey text. It will never  get more advanced than this, says the 90s business professional yuppy.

No rules, no ring,  no exit, and not place to hide 'Fighting Force' for the playstation.

The legend is here, the time is now, Chuck Norris is Walker Texas Ranger, weeknights on USA.

I'm all alone pick up the phone, sluts are standing by on another phone sex commercial.

Macho Man says REST IN PEACE and SNAP INTO A Slim Jim, OH YEAH! Halloween Havoc, Dig it!

Peter Vincent is like the Alan Partridge of the occult.

What do you do when a David Bowie type douche wants to do your girlfriend?

Hollywood's hottest stuntmen use bodyheat activated degree deodorant.

USA's Sunday Night Heat with Pacific Blue, Silk Stalkings, and The Big Easy. Turn it on and turn it up.

I miss sleazy USA network programming.

Magic the Gathering, all you need is a brain, a deck, and a friend, and an intact virginity.

Rhonda is a  runaway bride when she realizes she doesn't have to be married to shop.*

3 stars

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Gargoyles: Deadly Force *"Movies, television, videogames...(sigh) it's hard to tell what's real anymore." A lesson about how our culture ignores the real drama of the consequences of gunplay.* 3 stars

Stargate - Atlantis - "Thirty Eight Minutes" *The perils of dealing with stubborn parasites, wormhole constipations, lifeboat malfunctions, and bruised egos.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital" -season 1 -episode 3 *Solid cold oldies* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Conversion *The future's not ours, you see...* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Body Banks *Eternal sunshine of the sober mind that refuses to sell out to corporate swine who think they can harvest the poor & healthy in order to buy more time.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: 'Til Death *Fated to the fetid* 2 stars

Swamp Thing: Treasure *Little Jim has a long lost relative dying on his bathroom floor, a Swamp Thing trapped in his attic unable to sneak away, and an evil blonde beauty who wants to shoot him, or his mom, with a small pistol -if he doesn't cough up the location of stolen money  hidden in a junkpile out in the swamp.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Riddle of the Gold *The smite of the tiger.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 10 -------------------

*Cleaning the ham bones out of a creep's croc pond.* 2 1/2 stars

*Maids stumble onto a bloody, and active, crime scene.* 2 stars

*A ladies man looks at the wrong farmer's naked daughter.* 3 stars

*Carny folk forget and leave a horned dwarf troll in the walls of a rental home.* 2 1/2 stars

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Roger Corman presents "Streets" 1990 *For skid row kids, like Christina Applegate's homeless teenage prostitute character,  it's a symbiotic game of staying ahead, and also in reach, of their constant pursuers  and abusers, but sometimes the bleak circumstances highlighting the literal dead ends  make it even more painful if a glimmer of hope happens to also be there.* 3 stars

American Horror Story - Asylum - "Nor'Easter" *Pontius Pilate wept at the end of E.T.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 8 *Remodeling the home of a early 20th century sawbones stirs spirits.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Blood, Sweat, and Tears *stretching thinly to feel the burn and avoid the fine line of permanent injury in the process of healthy activity and friendly civility* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Never Say Alan Again *pass the Sunny D and STOP TALKING ABOUT AMERICAN THINGS!* 3 stars

X Files: Squeeze *Spooky versus mutie (aka mutant).* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Coda *Rick Grimes drives a hard bargain, but compromises and evasively dangerous behavioral maneuvers, of others involved, put everyone back on the road of loss.* 3 stars

House 3: The Horror Show -1989- *"An electricity of evil." Lance Henriksen is a straight current running parallel to an unsteady moronic shocker.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Mother's Day *You gotta fight or flight for your right to party with Fredddy.* 2 1/2 stars *Weepy Wendy can't get any affectionate attention from her radio shrink mom, a seriously Selfish Sherry.* 2 1/2 stars

Ultimate Scooters: Featuring the Hot Wheels Shocker -2000- *Video time capsule documenting how turn of the 21st century bro-men took to the streets, with tots, riding toy scooters.* 1 star

Popeye the Sailor Man: ----------

*Me Musical Nephews: Runts rockabye a restless Popeye.* headache inducing zero stars

*Spooky Swabs: Ghostly mutiny.* 3 stars

*Patriotic Popeye: Safe n' sane U.S. n' A. holiday or party explosives?* 2 stars

*Ancient Fistory: Disney Princess Cinderfella Queer Eye for the Popeye.* 2 stars

*Taxi-Turvy: Scat cab skidoo.* 3 stars

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Fleischer Studios presents Betty Boop: -------------------------

*Betty Boop's Crazy Inventions: Spunky sales pitch for quirky products.* 3 stars

*and the Little King: Calamity Betty* 2 1/2 stars

*Pudgy in Ding Dong Doggie: Hot doggy, Betty spank.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grampy in the Candid Candidate: Mayoral mishap calls for thinking cap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Language All My Own: Betty is super kawaii in the land of the rising sun.* 2 stars

*Grampy's Indoor Outing: homemade carnival play on a rainy day.* 2 1/2 stars

*Little Nobody: Stuck up pup and a blue ribbon baywatch doggy strut.* 2 1/2 stars

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Adult Swim --off the air-- "Worship" *vacation bible surreal* 2 stars

Squidbillies 96: How did my worm get in your taco? *Early en Espanol, an all american buttthole.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: The Bathroom Boys *Dragging the viewer into the toilet with the non-humor painful shits & giggles of Tim, Eric, Zach Galifianakis and surprise guest, the beautiful, cleaned, and dolled up Maggie from the Walking Dead.* between zero and 1 star

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Portal into Time *Apple 2 defender of the Alamo. Beastmaster 2 culture shock. Thundarr, Ariel, Ookla are  Earth's mightiest Avengers. Volkswagen Beetle dragon. Ookla, a cookie monster. An escalator can never be broken, it can only become stairs, so said Mitch Hedberg. Terminator 2 style skynet tech heist. Finally, a first ever victory at the Alamo.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Politics as Usual *Bribery. blackmail. backstabbing. bargaining courts. boo-hooing. barking like a dog. busted. buttcheeks and butthole search. bathing lovemaking. break up.* 3 stars

Burn, Baby, Burn: Riots and Violence in the Modern World *unabashed ugliness* 1 star

Victor Salva's "The Nature of the Beast" 1995 starring Lance Henriksen & Eric Roberts-- *A serial killer plus a casino riches thief, both on the run, find homogeneity on a lost stretch of desert highway.* 3 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 9 *a spirit is shattering and nudging (the babypowder test, "thrilling") wine glasses in a, struggling to survive, sports bar.* 1/2 a star

The Outer Limits: Quality of Mercy *Hogan's Heroes meets Enemy Mine with an M. Night twist.* 2 1/2 stars

Cowboy Bebop: Jamming with Edward *A self activated spy sattelite is sad & lonely and so is a spunky hacker.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: New Acquaintance *Jim brings home a misunderstood stray, and ST resurrects a rabbit.* 2 1/2 stars

Shaw Brothers: Iron Chain Fighter (aka Assassin) *There are no bonds that chop sockey can't break.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 4 *Climbing and falling. Losing a hand. Handing over a legacy. Protecting the virtue of an innocent. Hungering for insurrection. Dispensing the light of justice. Burning a path for freedom.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: HELLOWE'EEN *The awful uncle seeks offal flesh to slip into back to life.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Three's A Crowd *cuckold anniversary surprise* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Piggy Piggy" *Growing pains. Raw brains. Oinking angst.* 2 1/2 stars

BBC All Watched Over By Machines of Loving Grace: "The Monkey in the Machine and the Machine in the Monkey" *We humans are something like a phenomenon or perhaps maybe an automaton.* 3 stars

"Beyond the Black Rainbow" --2010-- *Timothy Leary has gone too far this time.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 11 ---------------

*Family killer in a scarecrow disguise puts a young carpenter in concern.* 2 stars

*Gold chain necklace wearing "Dr. Jeff" doesn't want his "molecules heated up" in a mad scientist's The Fly -esque matter transport experiment.* 2 1/2 stars

*A greaseball is hired to clean up "red wine" stains for a Sopranos sausage and refuses to wear a wire for an undercover sting.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fear Antics: A wannabe actor, in a slasher prank, gets pushed over the edge.* 2 1/2 stars

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Paranormal State: Season 1 -episode 10 *A Native American coyote spirit / chaos critter is an unwanted housepest, for a rural Maine mom & visiting daughter, when its vortex in the backyard is disturbed. So, the team calls in some Native elders to do a ritual at the rocks around a hole on the property, and Christian psychic medium Chip Coffey tells the howling haunt to hit the road.* 2 1/2 stars