#having these two in my party makes my options otherwise very limited so making my MC mote versatile seems a good option too hmm

[raksh-writes]

Me, unable to play, because its been 30+ degrees Celcius for over a week now and my room is absolutely awfully hot even without my PC sweating:

Maybe I should multiclass my Ranger with a Druid 🤔🤔

[thornfield13713]

Okay, thinking about Deep Roads logistics. An infantryman can, according to A Collection of Unmitigated Pedantry here, carry about ten days’ worth of food on their person. A waggon of food per company of 30 men doubles this distance, but this has diminishing return, as waggons have to be pulled by something, and whatever animal is being used for the purpose will also need to eat something, as will the waggon’s driver. Failing this, you can bring a pack animal - the Romans often had a mule for every six-to-eight men, and in Orzammar in particular it probably wouldn’t be hard to hire a bronto - but it, too, will consume food as you travel, and will also need to be led or otherwise controlled in a party where the prospect of attack is ever-present and every member of the group will need to be able to fight at a moment’s notice. Although, assuming it remains untainted, and you are willing to lose whatever it was carrying that you cannot take with you, the pack animal can then be slaughtered as an additional source of food once the utility of bringing it along is outweighed by how much of your resources it is consuming. 

Within the Deep Roads, the main potential sources of food appear to be: deep mushrooms, deepstalkers, giant spiders and feral brontos. However, any food one finds in the Deep Roads carries the inherent risk of the darkspawn taint. For a company of already-Tainted Wardens, this may not pose much of a problem. For anyone else, you run the risk of ending up like poor Ruck. 

So, let’s break down the likeliest logistical situations for the first two games’ expeditions into the Deep Roads (I have not played The Descent, as I find it very, very hard to play Inquisition for more than five minutes without wandering off to do something more enjoyable. Like cleaning the sink. Or doing laundry. Or even working on my thesis.)

A Paragon of Her Kind

The Wardens are explicitly the only group in Thedas that ventures into the Deep Roads without a company at their back, which may mean they habitually make shorter lunges, as we’re never given the option of bringing along a waggon with food. On the other hand, Paragon of Her Kind appears to take place over an extended period - I’d put it at at least a month below the surface. Branka and her people seem to have been there for quite a while, but also to have taken long enough getting there that Laryn’s transformation into a broodmother appears relatively recent and Hespith is not yet transformed, maybe because they were a much larger group and thus by necessity travelled far more slowly, and also maybe because they did not, at first, have any clear idea where they could find the Anvil. Then again, those are exceptional circumstances, so...could go either way. And Ortan Thaig and Caridin’s Cross both feature enough deepstalkers, deep mushrooms and uncorrupted giant spiders (eating the corrupted ones seems like a sure way to end up with Ruck problems) to maybe replenish the rations it took to get that far, even if the Warden members of the party can eat the darkspawn dead at need.

So, let’s start by examining the party. I , personally, tend to organise my party for the Deep Roads as follows: Shale and Oghren for plot-relevance reasons, and then one other. This one other is not usually Alistair, as most of my Wardens want to leave someone behind to deal with the new king of Orzammar if it comes to a vote before they return or if they are killed in the attempt to find Branka. In this case, limiting the size of the party makes sense - the larger the group, the more people there are to feed, the harder it will become to feed them, especially as opportunities for forage in the Deep Roads will be extremely limited, and success and survival are far from certain, adding an impetus to leave a force behind to complete the group’s objectives even if the party sent into the Deep Roads is lost. Bringing Shale along, in and of itself, changes the calculus marvellously, as Shale is immensely strong, made of rock, and thus can both carry far more food and water than anyone else could ever hope to and doesn’t need to eat or drink anything herself. Getting her to agree to carry supplies she personally does not need is another question entirely, but most of my Wardens get along with her well enough that they might be able to talk her into it. She probably cannot carry as much as a full waggon of food, but assuming she can carry as much as two ordinary people (and this may be lowballing my estimate) and does not need to eat any of it, that’s still another twenty days of food for one person - another six days divided up among three companions. So, already, we’ve got half that month covered, assuming nobody loses their supply. The Warden has an advantage neither of the remaining two companions have, in that they can eat things no matter how Tainted they are. They probably aren’t going to like it very much, but this means that their reliance on the rations the group is able to carry with them is much-reduced, and ideally they would be primarily subsisting on what forage can be found within the tunnels, thus freeing up most of their ten days’ worth of food for their remaining companions. So, in an ideal situation with plenty of deep mushrooms, deepstalkers, giant spiders, feral brontos and the occasional cheeky nibble on a darkspawn corpse, that means that Oghren and the remaining companion now have twenty-five days’ worth of food apiece in rations alone, just from their ten days’ worth of food they carry themselves, the twenty days’ worth carried by Shale, and splitting the Warden’s ten days of food carried between them. 

Do we want to headcanon in a beast of burden, most probably a bronto? Now we’re in business - brontos appear to be loosely modelled after rhinos, and a rhino can carry 900lbs or more on its back without difficulty. Given that most of the guides I’ve found suggest you can get 4500 calories - just below the highest estimate for how much food was needed per day for soldiers in WWI - from two and a half pounds of food, this is just overkill, giving you a solid 360 days worth of food for one infantryman - 120 days spread across three. Better and better, brontos ‘require remarkably little sustenance, consuming organic material from water, fungus and even rocks’ according to Brother Genitivi. I am going to go out on a limb and say that they’re probably the principal beasts of burden used by the Legion of the Dead, who according to some of Sigrun’s lines live their whole lives in the Deep Roads after they join, only occasionally and briefly returning to Orzammar. Honestly, the biggest issue with bringing along a bronto would be the difficulty of keeping it from running or wandering off - or even outright charging - when attacked by darkspawn. This is a serious problem, as the group is small, and every member of it will need to fight whenever attacked by darkspawn, which happens a lot. Deputising someone to look after the bronto and prevent it from wandering off in Battle is a serious loss to the party, and one that may outweigh the utility of the bronto, given that, as per the first part of this discussion, the group is...actually pretty well set-up for extended Deep Roads travel without one. That said, as the Warden would not know how long the journey would take when leaving Orzammar, I could see a cautious Warden, or one with a good grounding in tactics and logistics - the sort of education either a Cousland or an Aeducan would probably have received - taking the extra precaution of securing one.

A Golem’s Memories

Once again, the logistics of the Deep Roads provide a good solid reason to have a small party, and having Shale along - as is actually obligatory in this case rather than just a good idea for plot-progression reasons - does relieve some of the burden of logistics. And this is a rather shorter journey, to boot - Cadash Thaig appears to be not very much past Ortan Thaig, which is...you know what, assuming a month underground for Paragon of Her Kind, I’m going to say that’s maybe a three-week round trip for the Warden and friends, who are, unlike Branka, travelling in a small unit, without more than maybe-one-if-you-want-to-headcanon-that beasts of burden, not being slowed down by all the many, many things that can lead to armies or large groups in the field moving slowly. Again, assuming ten days’ food apiece plus six days extra from Shale...that’s two-thirds of the trip covered even if the Warden eats all their own rations. If they are, once again, going for the ‘Wardens can eat anything they like no matter how tainted’ strategy, we rise once again to twenty-five days apiece - more than enough for everyone to be able to stay fed for the duration with minimal risk of contracting the Taint from bad food.

Last of the Legion

So, logistically, this one is starting off from a very different place. In Paragon of Her Kind, the Wardens are planning on an extended delve into the Deep Roads with no clear idea of how long it’ll take or even, really, where they are meant to be going beyond Ortan Thaig. And they were doing it with the backing of a powerful lord, one of the two candidates to become King of Orzammar, which meant that they could probably get a bit of extra support in getting provisioned for the Deep Roads. For this one, the Wardens only really know that there’s a weird chasm full of darkspawn that might be their breeding ground, and it’s an open question how long they were expecting it to take. A cautious commander might decide to have everyone carry full packs anyway, so everyone has the standard ten days’ worth of rations that an infantryman can carry (and if Justice is brought along, we also have one party member who does not need to eat, but can carry the standard ten days’ rations, to be split three ways among his companions), but a more impulsive, less cautious Warden might well decide to prioritise speed or assume that they’ll be able to forage for extra food in the field. Furthermore, it’s a much, much shorter trip. The lack of a camp mechanic in Awakening leads me to suspect that nowhere in Amaranthine is more than a day’s journey from the Vigil, and none of the main quests take more than...maybe a couple of days at a stretch. I’d say Last of the Legion has the most justification to be an extended period, as they are exploring an entire lost dwarven thaig, but even then, ‘extended period’ in this case means ‘maybe a week at a stretch’ and more probably not more than three or four days. Added to which, everyone on this mission except, at this point, Sigrun is a Grey Warden, and can thus eat darkspawn dead or corrupted spiders if they need to. 

...honestly, unless someone loses their pack somehow, I’m going to say this one isn’t even a challenge logistically. The biggest issue is if Sigrun has lost her supplies and, if so, how far this is going to cut into the Wardens’ own supplies, and that is very much going to come down to the Warden-Commander’s own preparations - if everyone has their ten days’ supply, feeding Sigrun should fit in without much difficulty. My Wardens all tend towards the more prepared side, either because they just went through a whole entire Blight and are thus very used to things taking a lot longer than they should, or in the case of Warden-Commander Andras because she’s spent most of her career in the Deep Roads and is very used to preparing for every contingency. However, other people’s Wardens might prepare differently.

Golems of Amgarrak

...this one drives me up the wall. We don’t know how deep Amgarrak lies! How far from Orzammar is it - far enough they had to spend an entire expedition looking for it, but given how dangerous the Deep Roads are, that could be anything from a week to a year! I tend to give it a month or so, similar to Paragon of Her Kind, since it’s a similar lost research lab, and because that gives enough time, between travelling to Orzammar, doing a few diplomatic errands for the Wardens there (this is, for instance, probably when that feast is held in memory of the defenders of Kal’Hirol), travelling to Amgarrak, completing the DLC and then getting back, for whoever you left in charge back at the Vigil to carry out the campaign of fuck-ups that end with Anders and Justice fleeing to Kirkwall. The actual DLC itself...I would put as taking place over...not more than a day or so. Amgarrak isn’t actually that big - it’s a research laboratory, not a full thaig. I am a little bewildered about where the researchers were sleeping back when this place was active, but then, it seems to be in a larger thaig patterned after the Ortan thaig we saw in Origins, so...apparently the researchers did not live on-site. Probably a good call. Furthermore, the place is incredibly dangerous, and I’m pretty sure if the party had stopped to sleep even once, they’d have been in for it, because the Harvester can clearly be seen wandering about outside the forge at various points throughout the DLC. Sure, it’s not attacking yet, but...it probably would’ve done the moment any invaders were vulnerable to it.

There’s no sign that Jerrik and the Warden are travelling with a larger party at the start of the DLC, so only the two of them need to be provisioned - really, only Jerrik, since the Warden can still eat tainted food. And this time, we don’t need to headcanon in a bronto, because there’s one there already in Snug, Jerrik’s bronto companion. So, see my previous calculations for the fact that...actually, these two are doing fine logistically. Snug can probably carry enough food to feed the pair of them with no need for darkspawn semi-cannibalism, and enough left over to get them and Brogan home at the end of the DLC. And given how marvellously efficient the bronto species is about food - seriously, how the fuck the Shaperate managed to selectively breed a rhino-sized species to need that little food is a question and a half all on its own - Snug’s own food requirements are going to be pretty minimal. All told, logistically this holds up all ‘round.

I am a little bewildered about the previous Amgarrak expedition, which...one would expect to be a bit larger, and have brontos of their own who are now either dead or have turned feral...but eh, not like we see much of it except the bloody, ruined corpses of those involved, so...let’s just assume a reasonable-sized company with a few brontos to carry supplies.

The Deep Roads Expedition

...oh, boy.

Origins was relatively straightforward, logistics-wise. This one...is less so.

Let’s start with the size of the group. Now, Origins tells us that the Wardens are the only people who’ll enter the Deep Roads without a company behind them. Bartrand’s expedition has...well, in-game, we’re shown a total of ten people - Bartrand, Varric, Hawke, two more of Hawke’s companions, Bodahn and Sandal, a pair of background NPC hired muscle and a single advance scout who gets beaten up by Bartrand. No pack animals, no waggons, no supplies of any kind. The Primeval Thaig is, according to Bartrand’s dialogue, ‘a week below the surface’. So, assume maybe a two-week round trip, plus or minus a few days on the site itself collecting whatever treasures might remain. Three weeks, if you want to round up. Added to which, everyone on this expedition is vulnerable to the Taint except Anders, and that’s only if you bring him along, so no darkspawn-cannibalism for anyone except perhaps him.

Thankfully, DA2 gives us an out in the form of Varric’s narration: we are not witnessing the events as they happened, but hearing a retelling of the events by a man with no real interest in the rest of the expedition beyond his brother’s betrayal, and for whom this was some years ago, filtered through the perceptions of a Chantry Seeker who...also isn’t overwhelmingly interested in anyone on this expedition outside Hawke and their companions. So, what would be a more plausible makeup for Bartrand’s expedition? 

Assuming that that thing about only the Wardens going into the Deep Roads without a company behind them still holds true...you need a company. In military terms, a company is defined as between eighty and two hundred and fifty soldiers according to Wikipedia. The National Army Museum defines this rather more narrowly as between a hundred and a hundred and fifty men, but this is specific to the modern British army, and is not a universal rule. In this case, I’d skew towards the lower number - maybe 80-100 men including Bartrand, Varric, Hawke, and Hawke’s remaining two companions. Maybe also assume three bronto-drawn waggons for additional food - that is, roughly one for each thirty men - that were presumably left behind under guard from some of the remaining men when the Deep Roads were blocked, as getting waggons through the side-passages would be difficult work, and this diversion doesn’t appear to take much more than a day.  The waggons, once what food was in them was consumed, could also be used to transport treasure up to the surface, although there is no mention made in-game of Bartrand retrieving anything but the red lyrium idol. Precisely what happened to the remaining members of the Expedition is...probably best not thought of. Bodahn and Sandal appear to have survived and made it back to Kirkwall, at the very least. My assumption, since Bartrand talks about not splitting the rewards of the expedition three ways, is that everyone except Hawke and Varric is here for a set wage per day, with the profits of the expedition being split between the partners who funded the expedition. As such, he might not have thought it was worth his time to kill off wage workers who couldn’t claim a share in the proceeds from the sale of the idol.

Now, onto the tricky part - survival in the deeps for Hawke and company after Varric has abandoned them to die. Assuming everyone at the start of all this had their ten days’ worth of food being transported on their person, it has taken them a week to reach the Primeval Thaig, so that leaves them with three days of food apiece - assuming that they were carrying that food when they were trapped within the vault, which may or may not have been the case - a soldier’s pack is heavy, and once a base camp was established they may well have chosen to leave their packs there until the retreat. According to Varric, it takes five days after being sealed in the vault to get back to where they started, by which I think he means where they found the passage that got them to the Primeval Thaig, given his next words are that it should take maybe a week to reach the surface. And, if Hawke’s sibling is present, Varric makes a joking reference to ‘those deep mushrooms we found’, indicating they’ve been able to find or been forced to find some sort of forage along the way. If the latter, this doesn’t really help with ‘did they have food supplies with them at the start’, given that it’s been a five-day journey and they wouldn’t have had more than three days’ worth of provisions on them at the start. So, yeah, food is going to have been very nearly a constant concern during this part of the journey, particularly if Hawke’s sibling and Anders are both present, and thus we need to add a day or two for them to find the Wardens and save their sibling’s life. Food could be stretched out longer through careful rationing, but that will also likely lead to tempers fraying and arguments, which are an excellent source of drama, and even once they’ve got back to where they started, there’s still a week left before they return to the surface with constant worries about starvation and Tainted food or water. An excellent survival horror narrative, if anyone wants to write it.

Legacy

Logistically, this one is much more like Last of the Legion - nobody is actually planning on a trip into the Deep Roads, nobody is expecting it, and this isn’t a group of trained and prepared Wardens, it’s Hawke and friends, so there’s no guarantee they’re carrying any great quantity of food. In fact, they probably aren’t - they were here to rough up some Carta dwarves until they quit with the murder attempts, not deal with all this bullshit. So, yeah, this is another one where food is going to be a worry. However, also like Last of the Legion, it’s a lot shorter than the previous Deep Roads trip - maybe three days? Don’t think you could do it in one, but two or three sounds reasonable. Added to which, there are plenty of deepstalkers, deep mushrooms and uncorrupted spiders. Nobody is going to be having a very nice time...but foraging is at least a reasonable option, and you can have up to two Grey Wardens in your immediate party, which also broadens foraging options.

[so2collection]

Star Ocean: Blue Sphere ~ A Review

Disclaimer: This is a subjective review. I think if you're good at skill based things like fighting games, party games, ect. you will enjoy this title more on a technical level.

Initial Thoughts I have always wanted to play Blue Sphere, as I'm sure many english speakers have always wanted to. I owned an original copy for years.

We waited two decades for a translation, and although this one was hastily made and even stolen, I think we were all happy to finally play it.

The game did get a remake for mobile phones in Japan, but it's considered lost media, so that wasn't an option, either. It's never been ported (as of writing this, it remains the only title to not have a modern port).

I even purchased two copies when FishyFaceGames printed them. Sadly, my open copy doesn't save (which seems to be a common problem). If you want to play this physical, get a different repro as I haven't heard them having any problems. Otherwise, the ROM is widely availible and I used GBA Emulator for my playthrough. I highly recommend using an emulator, do due to how much save scumming you'll want to do, especially for Item Creation and distributing SP. Having said all that, my biggest concerns going in were if this game could be completed by someone who did not have the skills to learn new battle skills through combos, as this seems necessary (it isn't, although it makes the game more difficult). My largest goal when making my guide was to provide a little more clarification on SP distribution, learning things like Lost Magic, Item Creation tips, and how to get the fabeled Blue Sphere… I think I accomplished that, so please enjoy the tips in the guide here. So, now that I've completed the game, what do I think of it, as a fan who has put 1000+ hours into SO2 on PS1 and 40 hours into my playthrough of Blue Sphere (not counting resets)?

Gameplay / Dungeons I'm going to start here. This game has so many issues. According to interviews, this game was meant to be a holdover for Star Ocean 3, therefore it was made for the Gameboy Color. The devs found making the systems simple = boring, so they did everything they could to make this a challenging (and frustrating) experience.

Firstly, learning new skills in battle. Everyone shares the fact that you must level the tree "correctly" to get the best skills. In some cases, like Celine, you must choose between high magic or her best spell; you cannot learn both. Learning skills has to be done in a secret order based on the character you're training; the only way to do this is to experiment, replay, or save scum. Even with saving, though, you can't know until you max out two entire trees, which takes the entire game. This takes away control away from the player right off the bat and can lead to paralyzing anxiety of making mistakes. You will. Dungeons are typical old school fair, but even Japanese players said they had trouble with the ones in this game. Particularly, Gravis Forest, Leviabor Ruins, and Grand Knott are troublesome and almost impossible without maps.

This can be exacerbated if you're playing on a Gameboy Pocket or a Super Gameboy, because of the limited to no color palette. A lot of dungeons also require specific Field Actions to explore, which are mostly limited to specific characters (especially Precis, the HM Slave, early on). It is nice that every character can be leveled whenever as long as you grind SP, which isn't hard to do, just time consuming. You can also go back to your ship to switch characters very often. However, late game, if you've not been leveling a side character at all, this can be time-consuming. One saving grace is the character does not have to be in the active party. I think, if they had the power at the time, being able to switch characters on the fly [in a dungeon] would have made this game's dungeon crawling SO much more fun and enjoyable. I found that treasure often was NOT worth going out of the way for. Usually towns provide enough updated equipment to keep you going and the dungeons tend to provide useless or redundant rewards. There are a few exceptions late game, though, which made exploring a bit more worth it (and you're more likely to have a character in your team to use).

Enemies are on the screen, however, they often can't be avoided, even with Dias' dash. Only a few characters can gain an initiative / surprise with their FAs, like Celine's Magic Shot. This isn't necessary but it does help and you can hit an enemy first with anyone, but it's trickier without the long range FA.

I found that running from battle did work more like 70% of the time. Running also removes the enemy from the field, which is nice. The balancing is not great, if you can't combo with a fighter. Some enemies will absolutely trash your mages at the start, making battles insufferable. Again, the only reason the mages die is because you can't freely raise their HP without messing up their skill tree. Armor only helps so much. The dungeon designs themselves aren't bad and are beautiful to look at, but there are a few times I almost dropped the game entirely if I hadn't had the Japanese guides I was referencing.

Item Creation (IC) / Misc. Mechanics So, remember I said the devs love taking control away from the players? I'm sure there are some that do not enjoy Star Ocean's random IC, but it was better implemented in SO2. Here, you must score a specific amount of points or some other specific action by completing mini-games that only use the D-Pad, which is clunky by today's standards. I can partially forgive this, but some of the games really are almost impossible, even with the support item and max level that "makes it easier". I never enjoyed this mechanic, except on the Art game. Even then, that one has a random element of which color you get to play. Limiting the Ultimate Battle Skills to the Blue Sphere item, I understand, but making it impossible to obtain sucks. I know they intended the Connect feature to be used, but this is ultimately a single player experience and the Alchemy game is too difficult to get them even somewhat consistently! I'm talking 1/50 attempts would be fine for something so rare, but I never got one. You get one free one in the entire game, but you have to be playing on a specific model Gameboy to obtain it! There are other treasure that use this mechanic, rewarding those that play on the black and white screen with better stuff, but for something designed for the GB Color, you think we'd have an option as well. Luckily, on an emulator, you can change your model, but if you're playing physical you may be out of luck. I could ramble about all the IC mini-games, as they are skill based and so your opinion may be very different, even positive, if you're good at these kind of games, but I didn't enjoy it and the lack of control to the player once again makes this an awful experience. From what I gather also, gaining a fighter's ultimate battle skill is linked to possibly sacrificing their ultimate main-game weapon. Who would decide something like that?! Sparking magic is something I haven't discussed. Honestly, it was one of the better mechanics in the game… if you knew what you needed. Often spells require: you control the character, you use the right spell (random chance to unlock), and the required stat is high enough. This is a lot of variables with no indicator. I can see this being frustrating for players.

NPCs are there and some PAs do fill out the world a bit more, but for the most part you will be screaming at them to move or ignoring them entirely. Weapons/Equiptment/Acessories are something run of the mill for the most part. You can buy them (enemies don't drop money) or make them (IC) or find them in treasure chests. The Ultimate Weapons are either obtained through Private Actions or using the Blue Sphere item I discussed previously. Making money is a problem early on. Fine. Learn Cooking and play an okay mini-game and make some. Sell stuff you don't use. This isn't the worst problem in the game, but nothing tells you how to make any money and if you mess up a skill tree teaching one of your main three Cooking, then you're out of fucking luck. Inherently, you would have 3 main party members for battle and the rest saved for IC, but I would have to bring up the problem of switching characters on the fly remotely again. Sometimes going back to the ship when you're halfway through a dungeon is just not feasible. There really aren't any sidequests to speak of outside Private Actions and Ruddle. Standard Star Ocean fair which I'll go into more below. There is a lengthy post-game that was a given for this era of Tri-Ace, including the infamous Cave of Trials (I didn't confirm this, but I bet you can save anywhere which is a relief). You have to collect the God Rings all over the game and then tackle the dungeon. I didn't do this personally as there isn't any story to be gained, but completionists and diehards will love to see it return.

Graphics / Music

I can safely say there are not many complaints here. The graphics are gorgeous, as expected from this era of Enix and Tri-Ace. Motoi Sakuraba did the best he could given the hardware and a lot of tracks sound redundant, but I never found it particularly irritating. If anything the music fades into the background. The battle theme is a banger, though!

Story / Private Actions The story isn't too in-depth. That's okay, given the space they had for the catridge. I don't think it means to take itself too seriously. Tri-Ace has never had master level writing chops, so don't go in expecting a grand adventure for the story. There's just enough to get you from point A to point B and the last 5 hours of the game contain most of the plot, explaining the world and the final boss' motivations. There's nothing bad or great about it.

Private Actions are great as always. They really kept the spirit of the cast from 2 here. In fact, they wanted to add more, but there just wasn't enough space to do so. We only get a measly 25ish PAs in this game, compared to the 100 or so in 2, but that's okay. Some of them are really fun! Most of them aren't missable, although they can't all be seen in one playthrough (there's a few you must pick between). PAs really are a highlight in this game, especially if you're a fan of 2. I recommend doing as many as you can. Some have good rewards, too.

Conclusion

I would give this game a 6/10

As a fan of the series. The frustrating elements make me score it lower. The game shines with its graphics, music, and Private Actions, but ultimately leaves a somewhat lackluster experience.

Do I regret my time spent with Blue Sphere? Not really. I think it was alright. I think if you love SO2, you should give it a shot. The game is only 35-45 hours for the main story and technical skill isn't required to complete, but it does make it easier. The frustrating elements can be weathered through (I took a one week break and a weekend break at seperate points of frustration…) I think if you love the characters, seek out the PAs. If you love the story, you may consider watching on YT instead as there really isn't a lot of meat there and the ending is very "we saved the world, let's go on another adventure!" and not the most satisfying. There aren't multiple endings here, either. Replayability is very dependent on how you play personally. I think you could get all you need from this game if you played very carefully and planned everything in advance. A replay might be worth it if you want to challenge yourself with other characters in your main team; I would find this unbearable. All in all, I would recommend it to someone who loves skill-based titles, dungeon crawlers, or Star Ocean 2. I think the game has too many issues to make it enjoyable to play or replay, but this is a very decisive title running on dated hardware with a shoddy translation. I hope this review provided some insight and if it wasn't enough, you can view my walkthrough here to see if it is something more suited to you.

[english8muffin]

Vogue morning routine

Y/N Y/N/L’s guide to effortless natural makeup

Summary: you are asked to do the Vogue Beauty Secrets video and your two boys decide to join the party

Word count: around 2000

Warning: none, just pure floof!

I apologize in advance if there are any spelling and/or grammar mistakes, English is not my first language (+ this is my very first fic)

HEADLINE Henry Cavill’s new girlfriend, designer Y/N Y/L/N reveals her everyday morning routine in recent Vogue video: Y/N Y/L/N shows off her secrets to the perfect fusion of European and Asian beauty.

You stood in the spacious bathroom of the hotel room, only wearing a big, fluffy, white robe, that was actually Henry’s. But since the man was in the gym, you took the opportunity to lend it and bathe yourself in his musky smell, that calmed your nerves. Last night you started panicking, thinking you would probably look stupid for the entire world to see, luckily Henry and Kal tried to calm you down with cuddles and kisses.

This was the first ‘interview’ you would do, being such a young, successful entrepreneur really caught the attention of the media. When you first started your small online shop, you never would have thought you would end up here. Five years later, with a steady income, the job you always wished for and the man you had a crush on since the first time you laid eyes on him. Being a creative, it really made your heart soar with happiness, seeing all your products, your babies, in new homes where they would make others happy.

You were really proud of yourself. Henry was as well, and he made sure you and everybody around you knew. You were apprehensive at first, being with such a well known actor, who was also much older than you, it made you nervous of what people would say, what the media would say. You didn’t want to tarnish Henry’s image. You knew there were people with a much bigger age gap, but still, people were ruthless. So you both decided to take it slow, being careful with going out in public and social media posts.

You stand in front of the large mirror, which had a camera attached to it and open up your makeup bag. Right before you went into the bathroom, you made yourself a nice cup of tea, trying to stay calm. “Hi! I’m Y/N and today I am going to show you my everyday makeup routine,” you say with a smile, “I am not a dermatologist so please don’t take what I say too seriously.”

You grab a small white washcloth and hold it up, so it was in the frame, “First, I am going to wash my face and put on a few drops of serum,” You dampen the cloth and wipe it over your face and neck. You put a few drops in the palm of your hand and pat them into your skin. “Now I going to use my jade roller to massage the serum into my skin. It’s quite funny seeing so many people use these nowadays. In ancient China they were mostly used by the elite to keep there skin ageless. They would call jade the Stone of Heaven. It’s really helpful for the people who wake up with a puffy face like me,” you chuckle.

Somethimes you’d wake up with puffy cheeks, which led to Henry calling you his chubby bunny in the morning.

“Just a quick tip, and this is for everybody, make sure you always use SPF. I personally use SPF 30 and this one is shine control, since I tend to get an oily skin, but you can also use a regular one or a foundation with SPF in it. Believe me when I say your skin will be thankful.”

You grab the small tube of sun cream and show the amount you’ll use. You even convinced Henry to wear SPF everyday. At first he said he didn’t think it would make such a big difference, but when he realised you were going to be the one to put it on him, he was convinced about its benefits and adamant to wear it everyday. After working the thick cream into your skin, you put on some lipbalm and rummage through the pouch in front of you. When you find the product you’re looking for, you hold it up. “Now, I am going to put on a bit of concealer, this one is from Maybelline. After this, I will use a lighter shade under my eyes and on my acne scars that I have here,” you point and circle around the small cluster of scars on the sides of your cheeks.

Before blending out the concealer, you smile at the lens and put in two bright yellow hairclips, to keep your dark locks from falling into your face. “I probably should have done this at the start,” you laugh. The nerves creeping up a little. It wasn’t that you where a shy person, but knowing thousands of people will watch this, did something to you. You were always a very easygoing person, who could talk with pretty much everybody. But knowing people were going to watch you do something so intimate in a way, and would probably comment on it, scared you a little. While you would be 100% yourself, doing something as mundane as getting ready. If they didn’t like you now, then they probably won’t like you later. And that was what made you so afraid.

The bathrobe falls a bit down your shoulder, but you ignore it, since your hair fell down your shoulders in big waves. “Okay, brows. I used to block them in really dark when I was younger, but now I try to keep a light hand. I’ll use this Got 2B Glued as a brow gel afterwards. The tails of my eyebrows tend to move if I don’t use a strong enough gel. If you’re Asian you will understand the struggle.”

You quickly finish your brows, put some bronzer on your face and eyelids and take out your liquid eyeliner. “Am I the only one that acts like I’m a beauty guru whenever I do my makeup? Like, I’m just acting as if I’m used to this, right now, but to be honest, I was really nervous to do this video for Vogue,” you admit, “they will probably regret asking me,” you chuckle. You finish your eyemakeup with curling your long lashes, thanks to your mother’s genes, and add a coat of mascara.

You take in a deep breath, excited to show everyone the product you had been waiting for. “The next thing I am really proud to show you guys, because I designed the packaging. This is the new limited edition blush and highlighter palette from Dior, which they created for Lunar New Year!” You beam with pride, holding up the elegant looking palette. It had a darker toned glossy finish and the borders were the traditional Chinese looking frames, which were 3D and were surrounded by a wild variety of peonies. In the middle of the lid was your Chinese calligraphy in big golden brush stokes that said ‘year of the Ox’, the clasp was designed so it resembled an antique Chinese coin and on the side hung a jade charm.

“You can pre-order this palette now, I think they will put a link-thingy in de description. I wish you all a happy and blessed Lunar New Year, 祝农历年新年快乐牛年大吉!”

Just as you’re about to add some blush to your cheeks, the bathroom door creaks open and a curly-headed, sweaty Henry pops his head in. Fresh from the gym, and were you thankful for his new intense workout, because he was truely a sight to behold. A cheeky smile graces his handsome face when he spots you in front of the mirror, only wearing his robe, which made his grin widen.

“what are you doing in here? Are you hiding from me? Playing hide and seek is it?” he teases and rakes his large hand through the tousled curls, but just as he’s done speaking, he sees the camera behind you, and blushes. “Oh, I didn’t know you were filming, I’m sorry darling,” he smiles and gives a small wave in the direction of the camera. You led out a giggle, cheeks turning red already, if he’d keep this up, you wouldn’t need to add blush. You couldn’t focus anymore, he looked so attractive, only wearing his black gym shorts and a tight dark blue tank top. Damn that camera, otherwise you would have jumped him. Henry, thought the exact same thing. Seeing you, only wearing his robe and your hair still a bit wild from this morning’s cardio, made him hold back a moan. Those two cute, yellow clips in your hair could have fooled him, because you were anything but innocent.

Before he’s about to close the door again, he blows you a kiss. But his actions are stopped when a big bear makes his appearance. Bolting past his dad’s legs, Kal comes into the bathroom. Henry tries to catch him but misses. The black and white akita excitedly sniffs his head around the sink, trying to see what you were up to with all the stuff lying on the marble counter.

“Kal!” Henry whisper-yelled, trying to stay hidden behind the door. But you could still see his massive body crouched down behind the wood. It was rather funny, seeing the large man so panicked about getting his dog to listen. It kind of reminded you of that one video from BBC were a professor was being interviewed and his baby and nanny showed up in the background. While Henry tried to get Kal’s attention, the dog just sat next to your legs, and smiled when you pet him behind his ear. He was your good boy.

You both knew there was no other option but to keep Kal here, once he saw you do your makeup, he wanted to watch and get his ‘makeup’ done as well.

Henry also saw the look in Kal’s eyes and let out a sigh. Might as well stay with his two loves. He stood up from his position and walked to you, wrapping his sweaty but oh so save body around your figure, and placed a prolonged kiss on the exposed skin just by your shoulder. So far for taking it slow… He pressed himself thighter against your back, hiding his face in the crook of your neck and intertwined your hands, slowly rocking you two back en forth. “You look beautiful, my love,” he whispered, so only you could hear it, at least you hoped the camera wouldn’t pick that up. You let out a little giggle, like the inner schoolgirl you were whenever he was around you.

“Kal loves when Y/N does his makeup as well, don’t you boy,” Henry explains with a smile and looks down at the bear by your bare feet. Kal gives a small ruff and sweeps his tail eagerly. “Did you show them what you made,” he asked you with a wide smile, and looked straight in to the camera, “she worked really hard on that design, so I hope you all like it,” he declared proudly.

You ended up doing your makeup routine with your two boys in the background. Henry left for a few minutes to shower in the second bathroom your hotelroom had, and came back clad in a pair of light jogging trousers and a sweater. Even though you were inside, it was still a bit too chilly to walk around in short sleeves, being mid-winter and all. He just sat on the small wooden bench by the door, still in frame for everybody to enjoy and behold. His hair now damp. He was reading in a book and patiently waiting for you to get ready, occasionally looking up and laughing when you would wet your hands or Kal’s special makeup brush in the sink and pretend to do his makeup. The dog would bark excitedly and give you kisses. “Wow Kal, you look so pretty,” Henry told the big floof with the chuckle.

“Okay, this was my -somewhat- everyday makeup routine! Thank you guys for watching this chaotic mess, hope you laughed a bit, bye-bye, 再见!” How do those vlogger end their videos? Smash like and subscribe?

Behind you Henry looked up from the pages of his fantasy book and arched his brow, “Hey! No shout-out for your special guests? See you all next time!”

WOOHOO!! This is my very first fanfic, I really hope you enjoyed it. Liking, reposting and commenting would mean a lot to me! If you do repost this, please do not edit or copy my work. I worked really hard on this.

Much love, Nahmi xxx

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[rextasywrites]

Aftershow - Leon Kennedy x f!reader

with the help of some tricks and your best friend distracting the security guard, you manage to sneak into the after show of the world premiere of “Resident Evil - Infinite Darkness”. It tells the story of federal Agent Leon S. Kennedy, who, after retiring from his career as a federal agent, decided to tackle acting. Ever since you first saw him in “Resident Evil 2”, you were in love with him and couldn’t wait to meet him. So...what would happen at this afterparty?

hey lads i’m back! i hope you enjoy this piece i have been writing the past few days! hope you are doing well xoxo

Warnings: alcohol, smut, Leon being an ass to others sometimes

Your dress clung to your body, making you feel like some overstuffed sausage. It was physically and mentally out of your comfort zone, but your best friend insisted you looked like a million bucks in it, so you begrudgingly purchased it a week before. “But you look fantastic,” your best friend reassured  you when you stood before your mirror earlier that night, awkwardly, tugging at the fabric by your hipsMaybe she was right, but currently she was busy with the security guard to give you the chance to meet your idol and celebrity crush, Leon S. Kennedy. You had heard he’d attend the premiere, and posts on social media confirmed the rumours.Not that you’d ever admit to subscribing to notifications from him, though.

The place was filled with Hollywood executives, actors, and actresses from all over the planet, yet you hadn’t spotted your favourite so far. Maybe he was outside smoking? Busy spending time with fans and writing autographs? Who knew… So you made your way past some gossiping actress towards the bar. A simple Sex on the Beach would calm your nerves. You began to zone out as you sipped on the cocktail- that is, until you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“And I thought I had met everyone tonight.”

That voice. That fucking voice. You’d recognize it out of a million, and there he was.

On the barstool next to you sat Leon S. Kennedy, and he was touching you at this very moment.

Before you would answer, you chuckled and took a sip from the cocktail, buying your nerves some more time before you’d answer. “Guess not.”, you said and placed the glass on the bar in front of you. “I’m (Y/N), nice to meet you.”

“I’m Leon, but I’m sure you already knew that, nice to meet you too. (Y/N), what a beautiful name for a beautiful woman. Say, how is it possible that I haven’t spotted you before?”

Uh oh. Quick, think of something.

“Sorry, bad traffic,” you replied, directly quoting a line from his costar in Resident Evil 4. “But I’m here now, and just in time to celebrate you and your new show!”, you smiled and raised your glass, Leon clicking it together with his own beer glass. “Cheers.” You two took big sips from your beverages, Leon’s hand now gravitating towards your knee.

“Say, would you like to join me on the terrace? It’s getting so hot in here.”, Leon said and pointed towards an open door on the other side of the room. The mere thought of being able to spend more time with him made you agree with his idea, and a minute later you two were sitting on the terrace in a porch swing. Leon had bought you another drink. He was such a gentleman, just like you’d always imagined him.. From time to time, people came to congratulate Leon on the success of his new show, wanting to invite him for a drink or more rounds. Yet every time he declined it, saying he already had enough for the evening.

*

“You weren’t invited, were you?”, Leon asked after some conversation between you two. You had told him a bit about your life, your work, your pets. In return, Leon shared stories of the making of Infinite Darkness, funny bloopers and behind-the-scenes stories you otherwise would never hear. The party had died out by now, it being late and the night becoming colder. Telling him a lie wasn’t an option, so you sighed and nodded. “Thought so. You carry yourself differently.”, Leon said while he lit himself a cigarette, blowing the smoke into the night sky.

“What do you mean?”, confusion was written across your face. Carrying yourself differently?

“Hollywood wankers carry themselves with a confidence that could kill a mortal like us. They think they are invincible, but oh boy they are wrong. You don’t carry that energy about you. You don’t look the type.. How did you get in?”

“My best friend is buddies with the security guard and he owed her a favour.”

“You little minx.”, Leon laughed, taking another drag as his eyes rested on you, taking in your body in this dress you hated, yet in his eyes you were the most beautiful woman in the sea of botox and silicone tits. “If you promise not to spill the whole night on social media, I can show you a whole new world.”, and by the look in his eyes, you both knew the feeling was mutual

*

The penthouse Leon was renting for his stay in your city was more than just breathtaking. Standing by the front window, you could see the whole city, way beyond the city limits. In the bathroom was, next to a big bathtub, a jacuzzi, and an iced down champagne bucket right next to it. “In Hollywood, money has no meaning. You ever seen Wolf of Wall Street? They weren’t fuckin’ lying when they called money ‘fun coupons’”, he laughed when you first entered the penthouse and your eyes had nearly rolled out. The bedroom alone was bigger than your whole flat, the champagne in that goddamn bucket probably worth more than your rent

“If your eyes get any bigger they’ll fall out of your head!”, Leon laughed as he sat down on the huge sofa, the fireplace warming up the room to a comfortable degree. Yet the dress felt too tight, just ready to be taken off...or was that the alcohol speaking? Leon for the cigar box lying atop the coffee table. He offered you one, but you declined - you didn’t smoke, but the mere view of Leon with a big cigar between his lips, legs spread and dress shirt slightly unbuttoned...it went straight to your core, a view millions of women would kill for, presented in front of you. “Like what you see, little minx?”

“Would it be bad if I didn’t.”, you replied, trying to hide your nerves by being cocky. But Leon wasn’t having any of this. He could see through your mask, trying and failing to hide how badly you wanted to straddle his lap and kiss him senseless, seeing stars and whole new universes. Comes with being an ex cop and agent. No secrets could make it past his eyes.

“Come here”, were Leon’s simple words, yet they had an effect on you and your body, something you'd normally be ashamed to admit. You made your way over to Leon on the sofa and instead of sitting next to him, he patted on his lap. “I want you to be comfortable, and I bet you are the most comfortable on my lap. C’mon, it’s the best seat in the house.”, he smirked and...you couldn’t deny it. His thighs were comfortably big, years of hard training paying off in the form of muscle and rough skin under his suit pants.

You weren’t sure why your head felt like it was spinning - was it the alcohol or the intoxicating smell from Leon? A mixture of his unique scent: whiskey and his cologne, all in a cloud around your nose. You wished you would be able to smell him for the rest of your life. All you knew was that your body screamed for Leon, and his body screamed right back. “Here.”, Leon offered you the glass of scotch he had just poured for himself. “There are three types of liquor. Terrible, not so terrible, or do you want to impress people with your money?”, and with those words, he pressed his lips against yours.

*

“We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“And yet, here we are.”

*

Leon had picked you up after another glass or three of scotch, the way to his bedroom clear. You weren’t sure if it was the warmth from the scotch swelling in your chest or the way his muscular arms wrapped around you, but something in you was one wrong- or right- move away from melting away completely. Your legs were wrapped around his hips as well as possible. The slit on your dress helped you, but suddenly Leon stopped in his tracks. “Are you okay?”, you asked, placing a hand on his cheek, but he looked over the bedroom you two just entered… Suddenly he placed you back down on the floor, kicking the door shut and pushing you against it.

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it to the bed.”, he smirked , his soft hands moving down your sides, leaving goosebumps wherever they touched you. Your dress felt too tight, the room too hot - you needed to get out of it quickly! Leon watched your blush grow, this asshole smirk still on his lips. “I love how real you are.”, he muttered as he leaned in, brushing his lips over your pulse point, just enough to draw a soft gasp from your lips.

“What do you mean?”, you asked, puzzled. Leon just chuckled, “Haven’t you noticed? It’s all Photoshopped. All the women at the premiere had the same fucking ass. Same crooked lips from the same quack doctor. The same busted Botox faces, everywhere you go. Yet they think they’re hot shit.”, he whispered, hot air against your even hotter skin. “But you...look at you.”

And you did. You looked down on yourself and saw nothing but imperfections. You looked back to Leon with a frown but he just laughed, “Hollywood is suffocating as fuck, but you’re like a breath of fresh air.. Look at you! You even have stretch marks! I haven’t seen real stretch marks since I put my first step into a studio!”, Leon took a deep breath, his voice shaking as he said his next sentence, “And I want you so fucking badly.”

*

Only minutes later, Leon had marked you up, hickeys and little bites of pleasure and need covering your upper body, whatever part he could reach. The dress was long gone and you laid on the bed, watching Leon unbuttoning his dress shirt. Underneath the white fabric was a body riddled with scars and old, badly healed wounds. Each and every single one could tell a story you were ready to hear, but right now, all you wanted was Leon and only Leon. And he needed you too.

“Aren’t you fucking gorgeous?”, Leon asked as his hands reached behind you, undoing your bra with a simple movement. This man had disarmed bombs before, of course a bra wouldn’t cause him much trouble. “Look at you…”, he repeated once more once your bra was thrown across the room, landing on some random piece of furniture. You blushed under his hungry eyes, him taking in what would be his in mere minutes. “Spread your legs. I wanna taste you.”

*

You had an iron grip on Leon’s hair, bucking your hips to meet his touch. More, more, more! You needed more! While Leon’s tongue teased your entrance, he used his hand to hold you down, keeping you in place like the good girl that you had been. Well, had been until his tongue first licked up your folds, taking in the sweetness of your juices. Leon had consumed many different liquors in his life, but only your sweet juices could rival ambrosia, sending his drunken mind into another plane of existence.

“Leon!”, you moaned out the moment his calloused finger brushed over your clit. It had been begging for attention, but Leon - that dick - kept on lapping up your juices, sucking and nibbling carefully on your folds. The movements of his fingers were in a steady rhythm with the ones of his tongue, making your head spin once more. He knew how to play you like a fiddle, making you putty in his hands.

But before you could cum, Leon pulled away, his face covered in your sweet fluids and he licked over his lips with an obscene sound and a dirty smirk on his lips. “I can’t wait to fuck you ‘til you scream my name.”

*

The condom was put on quickly. Magnum, of course. What else would a guy like him need? The first stroke inside of you made you see stars for the third time in less than an hour, what an impact this man had on you. Leon was still inside of you, not moving until you were adjusted to his size, especially his girth. “You okay?”, he asked, to which you gave him a soft nod. “Yeah, I’ll be alright. It’s just… fuck, you’re big..”

Leon’s ego beamed at your words, and once you gave him the okay to continue, it was very hard for him to hold back in any way. You were too tight, too sweet, making him nearly burst on the spot. Instead, his mind wandered...but you were always part of those thoughts.

The wet noises of sex, lust, and unadulterated passion filled the room, along with soft panting and groans coming from you two, a noise as old as humankind. Your arms were tightly wrapped around Leon’s body, leaving behind tiny marks when you needed to hold onto him, your nails digging into his skin. Leon hissed at the stings but fuck, knowing you were marking him up too made him even harder, harder than he had ever been.

“Fuck, you feel so good.”, Leon moaned against your neck and buried his head there for a moment. All you could do was nod in agreement, not trusting your voice anymore. Leon reached down at this, pressing his palm between you two, against your clit. You needed this feeling, you were begging for your release.

*

“Come on, cum for me.”, Leon growled when he felt the first contractions around his cock. The needy undertone of his voice was the last thing you needed to push yourself over the edge. “Leon!”, you moaned and came around him, stilling in your movements. Leon rocked his hips a few more times before his own release overcame him, spilling into the condom as you milked him inside of you. It felt too good to be true, but Leon was real.

Once your high started to fade and the contractions lessened, Leon leaned in for a quick kiss, stealing it from your open lips as you tried to catch your breath again. You smiled up to him, loosening your grip around him. “That was great.”, you smiled and Leon dropped next to you after pulling out.

*

In the early morning hours, you woke up to an empty bed. Leon’s side was cold and you sat up, looking around in confusion. Where was he? He wouldn’t leave you alone, would he? Finally, you spotted him on the balcony and you quickly threw on one of the jackets laying around along with your panties.

“Good morning.”, you smiled at Leon, who was taking a drag from his cigarette. He greeted you while blowing the hot smoke out, then held up his arm, offering you a place next to him. You happily agreed, leaning against his warm body in the fresh morning hours.

“I’d love to see you again.”, Leon said after he exhaled another drag, looking down at you. This took you by surprise - why would he? You weren’t special at all, just a mere fan who managed to get into his penthouse suite with a lot of luck and cleavage. He grabbed his phone from the table next to him, offering you the open contact list, “I’d love to take you out on a few dates and such. Spend time with you. What do you think? Wanna give me your number?”

[mooglesorts]

hmmm... does it sound like a bird secondary/bird model thing to be, for lack of a better word, territorial?

not necessarily in the sense of, like, getting defensive and driving people off (although if someone gets into My Territory who makes the space unpleasant for me in some way i’ll be distressed and irritated). more like... establishing a home base, i guess? and slowly expanding my comfort zone from there. people, communities, my living space, there will usually be a few that i come back to when i’m too tired or overwhelmed to keep track of everything else. 

examples: 

---

when i’m in a discord server that i want to participate in more than in passing, i’ll usually start by camping out in one channel for a while and ignoring all the others. from there, once i’ve gotten to know people who frequent that channel, feel like they’ve gotten to know me, and feel like i’m Established there, i’ll start expanding out into other channels one or two at a time until i’m familiar with the whole server. it deadass took me half a year to branch out from the vent/mature topics channels in my current main server, and then it took months more for me to catch up to the whole server. if i don’t do it this way i’ll be overwhelmed, eventually get bored, and trip off my feeling-left-out-of-a-community sore spots. 

(which is a Thing about using snake secondary to reach out and do new things. sometimes it’s a lot of fun to just go where i feel like and explore! but if a) there’s nothing i can really do without spending money i don’t have, b) i get the side-eye for being Poor and Socially Awkward and Doing Things Weird, c) i don’t happen to be into some anime fandom i don’t care about that everyone else does, and have had zero opportunity to get at least a little invested in it in order to connect with people, d) i get ignored because no one knows me or is invested in the things i contribute; or e) i just plain go past my limits because i didn’t realize going in how much energy i’d be expending on the thing... i get bored, fast. what’s the point? might as well just turn around and go home; at least it’s comfy.)

(badger secondary model?)

---

i’m prone to homesickness. i’ve gotten a little better about it over the years, and after moving so many times in such short succession, but it’s really hard to let go of My Territory the more memories and familiarity i’ve built there. it’s super rough on me emotionally from anywhere to a few days to a couple weeks, and any time i think about it, but otherwise i adjust pretty fast to my new surroundings. 

(the exception here is when i, well... avoid going out and exploring snake-style, because i don’t want to get attached and then deal with the grief of leaving it behind later on. housing instability trauma sucks, and i’m still struggling to figure out how to deal with that.)

part of that might be having stayed in one place for most of my growing up, but it’s like... pretty easy for me to designate a new place as a home base even if i still miss the old one? idk. even when i have nothing left there, i still think of everywhere i’ve intentionally planted my flag as One of My Places.

---

it often takes me a long time to get comfortable with interacting with someone on a regular, friendly basis the closer the space i get to know them in. a lot of people who are now good friends of mine i had to build up my comfort levels with for years. there’s usually a moment of like... ‘oh okay this is our Friendship Unlocked Moment. the dam is broken,’ and even if we go long periods of time without talking a lot in private i don’t feel anxious and suffocated when we do. sometimes the Friendship Unlocked moment is one thing that happens all at once, and sometimes it’s several things over a long period of time until the scale tips for good. this is one reason i get cagey about initiating those friendship moments too directly sometimes, just because i know i might need to pull back and have space for a while again for the friendship to develop, and i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

weirdly enough, though, this process tends to be circumvented a lot the more distance there is between me and another person while i’m getting to know them? if i had gotten into the shc community by joining a server i would be way more shy, anxious, and wary, but when most of my potential-friendship-moments interactions with people take place on tumblr where it’s easier to get some space if i need to, it makes it way less uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing to point and go ‘friend! :D’ i’d probably be fine with exchanging discords with most of the people i’ve met on here at this point. 

it’s like the difference between meeting people and making friends at a hobby group where you meet once a week, and making friends by having to invite them over to your house every day. 

---

i’m very much the kind of person who will stick close with the friend who invited me to a party, lmao, or if i’m tagging along on a trip but don’t want to be there (or don’t want to deal with the hassle of finding them again if i wander off). sometimes i’ll jump right into a new situation and start making friends, but i get anxiety pretty easily about making people feel snubbed or left out if i don’t have the time or energy to engage with everything, so often i’ll just fall back on one or two options i’m most familiar with and let everything else pass me by. i used to be the kind of kid/teenager who’d stick so close behind people on public outings that i’d constantly be bumping into them by accident. (once again, if i didn’t want to be there, wasn’t allowed to go do my own thing, or was--in hindsight--dissociating.)

---

just... hm. thoughts? to me this sounds like either snakey, badgery rapidfire bird, or birdy, badgery snake who uses the other two to cover for social awkwardness/feelings of alienation/lack of time or energy/depression from my burned snake. or shit, maybe it’s badger all along, who knows.

[voiceless-terror]

The Weight of Love (TMA)

Jon is a restless sleeper. Martin attempts to adjust.

Note: This was just a little something inspired by @janekfan‘s wonderful art of Jon sleeping in all sorts of weird positions. It takes place in my ADHD Jon Adventures universe, but is totally fine as a stand alone piece! <3

Martin Blackwood was awakened once again by a knee to his side.

Look, Jonathan Sims was the love of his life. An all-around wonderful human being. Sweet, caring, intelligent, clever. A thousand other descriptors that he kept track of in a small journal (for sappy poetry that wouldn’t see the light of day). Every moment they spent together was precious to him, even when they bickered. Especially when they bickered. So, needless to say, Martin Blackwood was a very happy and lucky man. But there was just one thing he couldn’t get used to.

Jonathan Sims was incapable of staying still, even in his sleep.

It would start out fine. Jon would curl into his side, Martin would nod off, everyone comfortable and cozy. But after about an hour or so, Jon would start to move. A restless turn here, a mumble or two there. Occasionally he would grab Martin’s hand and intertwine their fingers. A kiss to his forearm, a gentle nudge to his chin. All very cute. But that was just the prologue. 

The main event came closer to midnight, when Jon thought it was suddenly appropriate to treat Martin like some sort of jungle gym. If Martin attempted to sleep on his stomach, he very quickly acquired a Jon-sized backpack. If he moved to his side, Jon would throw himself horizontally over Martin’s hip, as if to prevent him from getting up. If he slept on his back, he would wake up to a mouthful of black curls. 

It didn’t help if Martin stayed still. Jon would find a position comfortable for about thirty minutes before he started contorting into a new one, all elbows and knees. None of this could’ve been comfortable for him and it was clear he wasn’t sleeping soundly, but he woke up with seemingly no knowledge of his late-night misdeeds. Either that, or he was unwilling to acknowledge them. Martin, however, was starting to get a bit tired. 

Last night had been the final straw, with Martin waking up to Jon trying to climb him like a ladder, a knee almost knocking the wind out of him. He pulled the man back down from what looked like an almost-successful attempt at crawling up the headboard. Jon simply mumbled in response to the manhandling, attempting to curl back up in his arms. Martin groaned aloud at the adorable display, clearly a clever ruse to distract him from the task at hand: namely, making sure Jon didn’t kill him in his sleep.

“Oh no you don’t- wake up, Jon.” A small snore, then silence. Martin ran a finger down his side, a dirty trick as it was his most ticklish spot. “C’mon. Rise and shine.”

Jon squirmed, his eyes blinking open as he quickly adopted his trademark scowl, as if he was the offended party. “Hnnh. What time s’it?”

“Time for you to stop assaulting me in my sleep, that’s what.” He instantly regretted that choice in words as Jon shot back, almost flailing out of bed in an attempt to put some distance between the two of them. Martin grabbed hold of his arm with a sigh, pulling him back to safety.

“That’s- sorry, that’s not what I meant.” Martin winced. “Well, it kind of is, but-”

“I’m-I’m sorry, Martin.” Even in the dim light of the room, Martin could make out two big eyes looking at him apologetically. “What did I do?”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a very active sleeper?” Jon immediately looked down at his lap. That’s a yes. Martin moved to reassure him. “It’s very endearing, but er, not very conducive to sleeping. For me.” He reached out to rub at Jon’s back, letting him relax into the touch. “Honestly, I don’t know how you sleep that way. You’re not even that energetic when you’re awake.”

“Georgie did mention it once or twice, yes. But she ah, gave as good as she got, as it were.”

Martin shuddered at the image of the two of them, punching and kicking their way through the night. What a nightmare. Jon looked guilty and chastised and that wasn’t at all what he was aiming for. He just wanted some fucking sleep. He could move out to the couch, but it wasn’t particularly comfortable and he genuinely liked sleeping with Jon. When he’s still, and not fighting off some unseen enemy or climbing Martin like a fencepost. “Is there anything that helps? Or is this just...normal?” Jon shook his head and sighed, leaning into his side.

“I’m sorry, Martin. I’ve never really been good at this ‘resting’ business.”

“What if I wrapped you up in a blanket or something? Like a little burrito!” Martin framed it as a joke, but he was actually half-serious.

Jon gave a weak laugh. “I think I’d just roll out of it.”

“Doesn’t hurt to try!”

Turns out it did in fact hurt to try. Not forty minutes later did Jon roll out of his cocoon and off the bed, momentum carrying him almost to the wall. It would have been hilarious if it weren’t for the large bruise on his forehead and the ice pack he was now nursing as he sat on the couch, complaining.

It was still a little funny. And a bit of payback for all of the bruises he’d given Martin. But Martin was determined to find a solution to their little conundrum, and let them both get a good night’s sleep. If he was going to survive sleeping with Jon, he would need a little help.

_____

“What do you want, Blackwood?” 

Martin sighed. All things considered, this was a rather tame greeting from Melanie. “Hi, Melanie. How are you?”

She glared at him for a moment too long before opening the door fully, gesturing for him to come in. “Usual. Heard you’ve got someone keeping you up all night.” She snickered, collapsing onto the sofa with a smirk and propping her legs up on the coffee table. Martin gaped.

“How did you-”

“Jon’s been texting Georgie. And what Jon texts Georgie, Georgie tells me.” She patted the couch cushion next to her. Martin shuffled over, plopping down with a sigh. “Never thought I’d see the day where Jonathan Sims landed a hit on someone.”

“I have no idea where that strength comes from!” He bit out, happy to have someone to commiserate with. Melanie’s never complained to him about Georgie, though they aren’t really on close enough terms to confide in each other like that. “He’s completely still and then wham! Foot to the shin. How do you stand it?”

Melanie shrugged. “Georgie doesn’t do that anymore. Not since she got one of those weighted blankets from a sponsor. Sleeps like a log, she does.” Martin paused.

“Huh.”

“Yup.”

Why didn’t I think of that? He’d always considered buying one for his anxiety, though he never bit the bullet on the purchase. It seemed like a needless extravagance on his already limited budget. But it was worth it, for a decent night’s sleep. And being able to sleep in the same bed as Jon.

“We have another, if you want to try it out. They send us loads of free shit, it’s actually pretty wasteful.”

And so, armed with one incredibly heavy blanket and the hope of a restful night, Martin made his way back to their flat.

_______

“It’s got ghosts on it.”

“Cute, right?” Jon scowled.

“Look,” Martin sat down on the sofa, where Jon had been curled up for most of the day, still pouting over his head injury. “Just try it out! You might actually like it. And if you don’t...well, we’ll just try something else.” In actuality Martin wasn’t sure of any other options, but he figured he’d leave it open, try not to pressure him. “Here.”

He unfolded the blanket, large and black with tiny white ghosts on it, and held it out towards Jon enticingly. He rolled his eyes but still stretched out his legs for Martin to place it over. “Fine. If you must.”

He carefully spread it out on Jon’s legs, tucking it up around his waist. It was an adorable picture, really, Jon scowling and covered with all of those cartoonish ghosts. Martin felt him tense underneath it and he paused, ready for the inevitable failure of his experiment. “Too heavy?”

“No, it’s-” Jon shuffled around a bit, like a skittish animal trying to get its bearings. But then he melted before Martin’s eyes, leaning back on the couch with a look of utter relaxation that was so un-Jon like he had to do a double take. “Oh that’s-that’s rather nice, actually.”

Martin beamed. “So you like it?”

“I-maybe? Give me a minute.”

“Sure.” Ten minutes later he was passed out on the couch, utterly still. Like magic!

Mission accomplished.

_________

Jon dragged it into bed that night, noting with some grumpiness that the ghosts glowed in the dark. Martin thought he protested a bit too much.

“Childish nonsense. They didn’t have any others?”

“We can buy a different one, if you like.”

Jon let out a long-suffering sigh. “No, it’s...fine.”

And it was. Within twenty minutes, the two of them fell into a peaceful sleep. Jon had the occasional fidget, but was so weighed down and sleepy that it was never more than a twitch. It was the best night’s sleep Martin had in ages, and he reckoned the same for Jon.

He woke up the next morning to find Jon had once again migrated in his sleep, though only to lay himself completely on top of Martin, unmoving otherwise. He was a dead weight in addition to the blanket, but he wasn’t being actively kicked or climbed or otherwise maimed.

Now this he could work with. 

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28349760

[notafraidofredyellowandblue]

Richard Kruspe interview 'Welt' 2009

By Laura Ewert.

Some of the usual stuff (Richard's difficulty with dealing with the Rammstein democracy, this-record-is-the-last, being happy vs being meaningful, the 'old marriage' comparison) but i liked the part about the orginal lyrics of Pussy being too 'platt' which translates to 'flat' or 'uninspired' and they changed it to insert a bit of humor into it, because even though it must exhausting for the band themselves, i think the qualitycontrol within Rammstein is a good thing really.

(also, i think Richard got a bit annoyed with the interviewer, which i can understand.. 😇)

English translation:

"Rammstein are too smart to be right-wing"

They are Germany's most successful rock group. On the new album "Liebe ist für alle da", Rammstein, as usual, played the bugbear. WELT ONLINE spoke to their guitarist Richard Kruspe about porn, national symbols and the imminent end of the band.

Black hair, heavy rings, black-rimmed eyes - Richard Kruspe looks exactly as one had always imagined a Rammstein member to look. The 42-year-old sits at a large table in a room of the Universal record company in Berlin, smokes and smiles friendly. The discussion again can start: Are Rammstein dangerous provocateurs or ingenious creators of their total work of art?

WELT ONLINE: Mr. Kruspe, the current Rammstein single "Pussy" entered the German charts at number one. Despite a video that cannot be shown uncensored on television.

Richard Kruspe: Any other band would have said: We can't make a porn, it'll never be shown on music television. I heard that over two million people saw it in two weeks like this. So there are other ways too, you don't always have to bend. "Pussy" is very independent compared to the other songs on the album. Our singer Till initially only wrote the text in English and I thought it was borderline at first.

WELT ONLINE: In terms of content?

Kruspe: Yes, in terms of content. It was just too much. There is a certain kind of humor that I find good, but there are limits. Then at the request of the band Till wrote the German verses. In that way the text got a humorous touch that I can live with. It's not exactly what I define as Rammstein, but Rammstein simply is a mix of six different people.

WELT ONLINE: Who actually had the idea for the porn video?

Kruspe: We asked the director Jonas Åkerlund. He listened to the song and after three hours wrote an email back: "Let's start a revolution, let's do a porn". All you could see on the faces of the band members was a big grin.

WELT ONLINE: But you have had yourself doubled?

Kruspe: Well, that's the big question. It doesn't matter. It was a nice challenge. I always thought the porn business was dirty and cold, but it's not at all. All the people there were extremely friendly and very accommodating.

WELT ONLINE: The text is not particularly friendly and accommodating.

Kruspe: I cannot and will not say anything about the text. I am not the text writer.

WELT ONLINE: But you said earlier that the first text version of "Pussy" was a bit too much for you.

Kruspe: No, it wasn't too much for me. It was just too uninspired for me. The German verses gave it a certain sense of humor that I can support.

WELT ONLINE: It is said that this text should be understood as a criticism of German sex tourists.

Kruspe: If you see it that way.

WELT ONLINE: I don't see it that way. But can you tell me what your understanding of the text is?

Kruspe: For me it's a party song, nothing more and nothing less.

WELT ONLINE: The line "Put bratwurst in your sauerkraut" is excellent to roar along to when drunk.

Kruspe: I think that's extremely funny.

WELT ONLINE: What about those who don't understand this humor? Drunken hordes of men on the way to the "Blitzkrieg with the meat gun"?

Kruspe: There is aggression in every society. They are acted out differently. My children, who are 17 and 18, don't do that. The only thing I can do is make sure things are different in my small circle. But when you start thinking about these things as an artist, you start limiting yourself. But I have a problem with censoring myself. I grew up in a system where I was constantly censored.

WELT ONLINE: Doesn't the question of responsibility arise?

Kruspe: I'm not someone who goes out with a raised finger and says: That's how you have to do it. We never did that.

WELT ONLINE: But don't you also say that you want to criticize something by exaggerating social situations?

Kruspe: Yes, you could say that. But that still doesn't mean that we tell people how to live. Everyone is responsible for their own life. Everyone has to have their own experiences in order to learn from them. We are not the Messiah.

WELT ONLINE: So is your music just acting out your own personalities?

Kruspe: When making music, of course, a dynamic of its own develops that you have to live with. These are things that cannot be influenced.

WELT ONLINE: The cover of your album is reminiscent of paintings by Rembrandt.

Kruspe: Hieronymus Bosch is a better comparison. The cover was created in collaboration with a Spanish artist who just tried things. Journalists are always entitled to question the meaning. But good things happen out of a certain naivety.

WELT ONLINE: What is that metal toothed monster up there on the cover on the right?

Kruspe: It should be some kind of alien. I already forgot. It was pretty good what the artist had thought out. Some kind of alien that eats up all consumption. Very philosophical what he has built there.

WELT ONLINE: And the naked woman lying on the table has her hands chopped off, right?

Kruspe: Yes, but that shouldn't be taken literally, in the sense that a woman is being massacred.

WELT ONLINE: It looks like an offering.

Kruspe: I see more the abysses of this world in the picture.

WELT ONLINE: Next to the woman on the table are two men closing their pants. Are you one of them?

Kruspe: No, I am not.

WELT ONLINE: It's a rape scene really, isn't it?

Kruspe: If you want to see it that way. I always find art interesting when it leaves things open.

WELT ONLINE: Let's come back to ...

Kruspe: ... to the difficult questions? Don't you have something else to talk about? Something nice? About life?

WELT ONLINE: I still have one question about the record.

Kruspe: Okay, one more.

WELT ONLINE: You are clearly using national symbols. Be it the German flag, the desk reminiscent of pictures of Hitler's speeches ...

Kruspe: Yes, but in a very humorous way. "I can't get laid in Germany" is very funny.

WELT ONLINE: Well I don't think you're right-wing.

Kruspe: No, we're too smart for that (laughs).

WELT ONLINE: Why does sex always have to do with fighting and war in your songs?

Kruspe: For me, sex always has to do with passion. I am a romantic. On the other hand, I like it dramatic. We'd have to go back a long way to my childhood to see what might have gone wrong. I believe that musicians more or less unconsciously always bring things across in a dramatic and painful way. At least that is how it has to be for Rammstein.

WELT ONLINE: Are you a believer?

Kruspe: Religious? No. I believe in justice.

WELT ONLINE: A justice that arises out of the human being, or one that is imposed from outside?

Kruspe: I think there is an idea. Some say this is God. Before things are done or before they arise, there was always an idea from which there is also a sense of justice. Do you understand? I believe that it is important in life to be punished for certain things. I believe in the fate principle and the karma principle.

WELT ONLINE: But if there is this punishment, won't Rammstein face a hefty punishment?

Kruspe: We only speak out what is reality or what is part of society. The Church used to say what is good and what is bad. That's bullshit. Just because someone has a sexual orientation that the Church classifies as evil doesn't mean it is wrong. On the contrary.

WELT ONLINE: Does "love is there for everyone" also mean that any form of sexual love, including that which is socially ostracized, is a part of humanity?

Kruspe: "Love is there for everyone" is a very Christian thought. Of course you have to ask yourself, is love really there for everyone? I would wish it to be that way. Can we forgive those who misunderstood love? I often think about it and fail and get a little further and go back again. Especially when you turn 40. A lot happens there. Especially with men.

WELT ONLINE: Yes? What?

Kruspe: For me there are two options in life. Be happy or be meaningful. And as a musician you naturally try to lead a meaningful life. The big problem with me is that my longing for happiness is great, but the strength I need to be creative comes from suffering. Even if you do not suffer, you try to bring it into your life somehow in order to be able to create again. A cycle. If I were happy I'd know I would never write again. I tried to find happiness outside of myself. And now at 40 there comes the point where you try to find something inside me that makes you happy.

WELT ONLINE: Can't you catch the creative moments by now?

Kruspe: I used to try drugs. I used cocaine a lot. You reach dimensions that you would otherwise never be able to reach. You can edit a kick drum for eight hours. This creative power comes to me in different moments. It's buzzing in the air and the only thing you can do is be open. And then the moment is gone again. As if a cloud is passing by and you reach for it and then wait for the next cloud.

WELT ONLINE: One hears that the current record could be the last of the band. Is Rammstein going to dissolve?

Kruspe: At the moment I couldn't imagine going back to the studio with the experiences of the last record. But I could imagine touring further. In a band you're trapped in an image. It's like a soap opera that never ends. You have your character and you play it. And then this Rammstein democracy. We have discussions every day. Everything is talked about and talked about. And voted. In a band you don't have that kind of sexual discharge that you would have in a relationship. It's like a long marriage with us. You just don't like to sleep together that much anymore.

[iamdorka]

„Could I please request a 'Dating ______ would include:' bullet point headcanon for Colson, Dom and Pete respectively? I love your writing; thank you 🖤”

So here I thought about 5 random scenarios (while dating of course) and how each of them would react/behave in that case, so basically I put my own spin on this request. Hope you will like it. But I have to add that your request made me think about this type of writing, so maybe in the future I will bring you some extra writing too.

- taking couple selfies

Colson: Colson would be the type who says that he hates taking photos, but actually he loves it, especially the couple selfies, because he adores you and when you are taking a selfie of both of you and the picture turns out great, your smile is the cutest thing on Earth, he says. Of course usually it doesn’t turn out great for the first couple of times and after the 500th attempt he gets bored and starts to make fun of you, but you are always quite determined so you keep going and when there is a great photo he actually gets more in love with you, every fucking time.

Dom: Dom would love taking pictures with you. Yeah, you are an addict but he is your partner in crime in that too. Like his mind is just as crazy as yours and if something involves the two of you, that’s 100% sure that there will be photo evidence of that, probably posing like the most idiot, badass couple in the town. Your camera roll may have a few(!!!) selfies of yourself, but maybe there are even more couple selfies.

Pete: Okay… but Pete would be the absolute worst in this scenario. Like when you would take out your phone, he would be actually scared because he hates seeing himself on photos and first you didn’t really understand this and for you it was hard to accept it, as you are a photo addict, but after some time you got it. So when he was willing to join in your craziness, it was something special, you knew that and you really appreciated that. One of the cutest thing was when he returned to Instagram, after a quite long period, the first pic he posted was one of your couple selfies.

- taking care of him when he is sick

Colson: He is the worst sick person ever, like you know that if boys are sick they tend to overdramatize it but oh boy… what he usually does in the case is next level. Your friends get to used to the hangover Colson (which is also some extreme shit) but the sick Colson is even worst. Yeah… that could happen. You thank God that his immune system is quite strong, even after all those shit that he has consumed, but when he somehow gets sick you try your best the cure him because you have your limits too and sick Colson can get you closer to them very easily.

Dom: Doesn’t matter how old he is, he usually acts like a child, like in the sweetest way, especially when he is around you. So it isn’t a surprise after all that when he is sick… he turns into a child even more. He doesn’t really understand that you have to keep your distance even if you are the one taking care of him, because his neediness becomes quite strong and he is able to throw tantrums if he doesn’t get you near him. About getting the medicines in him… you wouldn’t even want to start talking, because that’s always an interesting challenge.

Pete: Pete is a quite sick, like is he has some aching parts he doesn’t even tell you about it, you usually figure it out on your own because you see something slightly has changed in his usual behavior. Of course you immediately begin to act like his nurse because you don’t like knowing that he is suffering and he does exactly everything what you ask him to do. He is the best patient ever, if you can say so, also he likes this special attention but he would never admit this to you.

- celebrating your birthday with him for the first time

Colson: Getting together with him was a quite a wild ride, and being with him pushed you out of your comfort zone in so many scenarios, so when your birthday finally arrived you weren’t even surprised that the little party which he threw you turned into the biggest house party he threw in a while and this is a big thing, because when they throw a party it’s big… but this was 10 times bigger. And everybody got the chance to get to know you, like he is the king of the gang… and that day you became his forever queen. Everybody knew, even before, that they can’s mess with you, but after this it was obvious that you are his ride and die. His girl.

Dom: The thing is he was probably even more excited about your birthday than you were, which is a pretty big thing because damn you love your birthday, it’s your own national holiday and it was quite weird for you to share this excitement with somebody else but the enthusiasm of his was so adorable. He planned a whole music festival themed birthday party for you in his garden because he knew how much you live for those events. He even spoke to some of your favorite artists and with them he made a special birthday video just for you which when appeared on the big screen made you cry like never before. He just couldn’t understand how lucky a girl you are with him by your side.

Pete: Pete likes to stay in, smoke and just eating junk food and usually you are his partner in that, but for your birthday you just wanted to do something that you don’t usually do and that’s when Pete told you that he has everything in control, you just have to follow his instructions. That’s how he took you out for a fancy sushi restaurant which was actually the best thing because damn you ate everything up there and he was so happy that he could make you this happy. And the fact that he decided to took you out, and he enjoyed it too, he who prefers to stay in 24/7 was your biggest birthday present ever, like you knew this, between you two was something really special.

- getting up to catch an early flight to the other side of the country

Colson: Even after being with him for months you still couldn’t understand how he can function with that little sleep hours he got, so when he knew that he has to be up really early he decided not even go to bed, which for him was normal, but you just didn’t want to do as him and tried to convince him to go to bed with you, sleep a bit because sleeping on a plane is never the best option but he was quite stubborn…. but you had your ways and after some time you won. That’s why after like 3 hours sleeping waking up was the cruelest thing to do but you suffered together… as always. Of course you would never admitted that those 3 hour sleep just worsened the situation and without it everything would have been better but that’s just your stubbornness which he loved.

Dom: If he sleeps 6 hours, he has way more energy than necessary, if he sleeps 8 hours or more… he has even more energy, this guy is like he is always on some kind of drug without taking it actually, so when you had to be up at 4am he somehow woke up before you and when your alarm went off you woke up for a big cup of coffee and a cute breakfast. You couldn’t even open your eyes properly but he was almost out of your apartment already.

Pete: Coming off from some mushrooms when you had to leave for the airport wasn’t your best timing ever to be honest. But at least you didn’t suffer as much as you would have otherwise. Pete has some unique ideas to soften the situations and getting high almost everytime was involved in those solutions but this time you couldn’t really decide if you regretted it or not. When time is literally an illusion for you getting somewhere in time was a quite big challenge so when you woke up on the plane, on the right plane, on your chest of your boyfriend you were quite proud of yourself.

- him cheering you up when you had a fucked up day

Colson: He knew that when you are pissed off, tired there are two options: he needs to keep his distance and give you some time to cool off first alone or be by your side and doesn’t leave your side, not for a minute. These options usually ended up in some angry making out sessions, with heavy touching, not saying a word but there were times when he just mixed everything together… he knew you well. He knew exactly when he shouldn’t even open his mouth because he just could worsen the situation… that’s when usually he turned to music. Without even saying a word, just mumbleing to his live piano playing, letting to fill the house with his ryhtm you tried to reach you… and it worked even when it didn’t.

Dom: When you needed a good laugh… you could count on your boyfriend because sure he is some funny guy, so when you hava a long day and all you wanna do is just… not to exist you are really grateful that you go home to a place where he is there. Some light hearted comedy or stand up, letting him order some food and watching him impersonating the comedians was the highlight of those days. He knows that he is funny and to be able to make your messed up day just a little bit better he would be willing to do anything, literally and figuratevly…. because when his other half is in pain, he is in too.

Pete: Staying at home, like an old couple was your go to date option, like always. But when you arrive home saying that you will never ever not even consider leaving the house because you hate everything and everybody and you stay with that idea for quite sometime he starts to worry. And when you just can’t do anything right because you break everything, everything slips out of your hand he just carefully goes to you, hugs you and takes control over everything, even your body. He leads you to the nearest bar chair in the kitchen, sits you down and makes you a sandwich and cup of your favorite tea… and doesn’t say a word, he waits until you want to talk about it. These little things are the ones what make you love him more and more everyday. Nothing big, nothing special, just simple things.

Tag list (write me if you wanna be on it❤)

@echelonwonderland @no-shxt-sherl @kissedbystrangerswaterbottle @bakerkells @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @mgk-rooklover1997 @just-a-normal-fangirl18 @southernmgkpunk @thegunnerkelly @findingmyths @painkillerash @rosesinmars @rosegoldrichie @pinksocktingz @itjustkindahappenedreally @cclynn88 @bluehairedtracii @rumoured-whispers @estxxbritt

[soulmate-game]

Okay, I’m not sure if what I was trying to say in my last post was said very well.

I completely understand the tagging situation from the First Wave with the DC fans. That’s discourse that is mostly solved and we can’t do anything about those who are forever gonna be bitter or lazy. I’m not talking about that stuff.

The stuff I want to prevent/limit is the hate that comes after our fandom deliberately. And yes, I know I can’t stop it. None of us can stop bitter, antagonistic people from being bitter and antagonistic. None of us can stop people who just want to be angry.

I’m not talking about stopping them, though.

I’m talking about what we can do to protect ourselves as creators and consumers in this fandom. As people who love and appreciate what the creations and people in this fandom have to offer. In simplistic form, I’m saying we need to learn how to shield ourselves from bullies. And there are methods we can use to make ourselves less of a target to the people who go after us, and methods to cut their attacks off short. None of these methods are fool-proof, but they will work to filter out a good majority of the shit we would otherwise be showered by, like a big umbrella against Assholery. Sure, the wind might still blow some in our face and we might splash in a puddle or two by accident, but at least we aren’t soaked.

So let me list the various things that can help you shield yourself from hate/harassment/antis who might just be out to get you.

1) leave the fandom.

The most effective, but least attractive method possible. This is limited to being a last ditch effort, if things have just gotten too hard to handle. I’m covering it first though, because we have to acknowledge that it is a viable method. If you feel trapped, hated, bullied, I’m sure all of us in this fandom would prefer you take a break and leave us for a while in the sake of your own health and safety then stay where you are miserable. This is less of a problem for us though, because mostly this option is gonna be for fandoms where the discourse and attacks are internal. Maribat is largely a peaceful and supportive/healthy environment once you’re inside our little bubble, the main discourse comes from outside in. So let’s focus on the main point of this post— how to keep our bubble from popping.

2) Make it apparent right away that you are Unapologetic.

Whenever you post content or are approached by someone about the topic of your fandom, don’t you DARE ever apologize for liking what you like or posting unproblematic content. You need to make it clear right off the bat that you are not gonna be swayed, bullied, or shamed out of your fandom. Stand with pride and make it clear, but don’t be verbose about it. A simple “Don’t like, don’t read” is classic but sometimes if you’re posting/talking during a more confrontational period of the fandom, you need to up your game to reflect that. The funny thing is, people can easily be intimidated by swearing if it isn’t directed at them or clearly antagonistic. If you’re swearing in a joking, casual or even in a manner that shows you’re not taking yourself too seriously, people will usually avoid picking fights with you. For this, my favorite lines to use on my work include;

“Don’t like, I don’t fucking care. I fell down the rabbit hole.”

“Don’t bother reading if you’re not into this, this shit bitch-slapped me and dragged me along on it’s adventure.”

“I’m addicted to this fandom, don’t bother trying to save me. If it bothers you, I don’t give a fuck. Save yourselves.”

3) Don’t approach or interact

Unless someone comes at you first, never try to persuade someone away from hating us. That just makes you a target in an empty field, for the vultures to surround and gang up on. If someone approaches you with provocative but not overly insulting or intelligent language— I.e; trying to start a fight, vague insults not always relating to the fandom itself, trying to insult your character/judgement— do not respond. Delete the message, block the account, and surround yourself with fluffy good stuff to forget the wanna-be harasser. These people are often not brave enough to outright start a fight, and want you to get defensive first so they know the weak points in your armor to exploit. Defensive statements declare your own insecurities, don’t get defensive. It gives them a way to win without having to defend themselves or feel vulnerable— it’s like exploiting type differences in Pokémon. You wait for an unfamiliar Pokémon to expose it’s type, then snipe it with the moves it’s weak to. Then, you have a near sure-fire win even with under leveled Pokémon on your team.

Don’t be a proud Infernape that gets sniped by a weak-ass level 5 Piplup. We’re strong, don’t show them the chinks in our armor.

4) Have a support network. Even if they don’t know they are your support network.

The fandom as a whole serves this purpose, and this is mostly gonna be a tactic you use when the discourse is inside the fandom, but there can be uses for this in discourse from outside the fandom as well. If someone tries to act like they like your story/art “but...” they passive aggressively state things they “would prefer” or they try to make it sound like you made stupid mistakes (a tactic to make you insecure about yourself) instead of kindly pointing out errors or offering constructive criticism (ex: “you know you put your trigger list somewhere where it’s useless right? Love your story though.)—THESE ARE ALL PROVOCATIONS. They are trying to make you insecure so that you change things about yourself, your work, or jump through hoops to try to “make it up” to them when you did nothing wrong and there are no problems to fix. Do not fall for it! Instead, politely as possible, bring the issue into a public space where you feel safe/trust the people in that space to keep the bullshit from escalating. For me, I straight up explain my reasoning for the placement of my trigger list as if I’m advertising a particularly boring but important product that I’m selling, then offer places for them to bring the issue into a discussion with others. I send them to a discoed group or right here to my tumblr, and I immediately make the issue into a big discussion (do YOU think there is anything to change? Let’s ALL talk about it) so that I am no longer isolated and easy for them to harass. They might refuse to join the discussion and further try to pressure you, but do not cave. Merely say that a public discussion has been started, and if they are actually, legitimately concerned about the way you do things then they can debate it in a public setting. This way, you have back up. 9/10 people who try to target you this way will back off and never enter the conversation you started.

5) Do not fight back.

This sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of the time once discourse gets this bad, arguing/defending/ trying to prove your point only fuels their rage more. I have found that people hate very little in this world more than they hate being wrong. And people who hate being wrong will fight to the bitter death about their opinions, no matter how invalid or hurtful they are, in the favor of their blissful ignorance. Remove yourself from harmful discussions or those that seem to be going in circles as soon as possible, and try to surround yourself in your support group. Never let people make you feel stupid, your opinions illegitimate, or your likes/dislikes invalid or evil.

6) Try to learn how to recognize bullies in disguise

It’s too much for me to try to cover here, but you need to PLEASE look into how to spot gaslighting. Tactics of gaslighting are often used to attack others and try to make them feel like their own opinions are invalid or their mindset untrustworthy. People will often approach you in the guise of friendship/support/ “I am not into this, but...” and while this is not always a red flag, we have to keep our eyes open for any signs of this person or their approach being rooted in anything other than legitimate curiosity or kindness. Not all suggestions that say they are out of concern actually ARE. Keep an eye out for warning signs, and cut off interaction once things seem like they may lead to an argument or you being in a vulnerable position if you continue interacting.

(Brief mention of s**cide and threats in the section below)

7) If all else fails, BLOCK THEM.

No hesitation, we don’t need this shit. They make a second account? Block that too. Don’t respond, only take screenshots or reblog if it is directly harmful information that can/should be documented (words that encourage suicide, threats, insults that seem a little too specific for comfort) and give the evidence to someone you trust to look out for you. A therapist, a family member, or even the authorities if you deem that necessary. Just don’t handle it alone.

We are not responsible for other people’s actions, opinions, or anger. Take the steps to protect yourself instead of trying to reconcile. Sometimes, reconciliation isn’t an option. Both parties have to be willing to reconcile, and it is clear they have nothing in mind but hurting us. So raise your shields and protect yourself and your friends, we’re not gonna lose a war to petty jerks.

[arqueete]

New Year's Meme 2021

It's time for my annual New Year's Eve survey meme! As always, feel free to steal for yourself.

1. What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?

I got engaged! And ordered a wedding dress and all sorts of things like that.

I visited the Field Museum in Chicago which I've been meaning to do for a while

I went to Door County this year, which was my first time visiting that part of Wisconsin

Back on New Year's Day 2021, with the limited options for a safe activity to celebrate the holiday, we went to a kite festival and I flew a kite for the first time! We hope to make this a tradition now.

I entered something in a competition at the State Fair (which was actually a resolution of mine in 2020 that I didn't get to do because of the pandemic) and came in fourth place in my category!

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

My resolutions last year included: getting a new job, finishing a knitting project, making more little web projects, host dinner parties, and take art classes.

I didn't really start making little web projects in the way I wanted to and I also didn't host dinner parties on the scale I wanted to (though we had some people over!), but otherwise I knocked all of those out of the park.

In 2022, I would like to pay a little more attention to being physically active, considering my job and hobbies keep me sitting at a desk a lot. If it's reasonable with the state of things with the pandemic, I'd like to take some sort of yoga or physical fitness (or maybe hoop dancing again--the classes keep filling up!) class. I'd like to attempt one of those 30 day YouTube yoga series or some other kind of fitness challenge.

In 2023 I'm supposed to be visiting Italy so in 2022 I want to make sure I keep up with learning Italian.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not anyone close to me. 4. Did anyone close to you die? My grandmother passed away this October. She was 97, so she got a long life and her health was declining in her final years. She died at home in her bed which is what we hoped for.

5. What countries did you visit? I traveled 90 miles down to Chicago a couple times and that made me feel wary enough in these times. I plan to lay low in 2022 as well (unless maybe things are looking up by the end of the year and we want to do an international honeymoon?) but as previously mentioned I am hoping for Italy in 2023., 6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021? Last year I said I wanted to be vaccinated and enjoy a normal holiday season with my family and we very nearly got that--I'm certainly vaccinated (and boostered now!) and that's one hell of a thing to be grateful for, and we had to cancel Christmas because of a possible Covid exposure, but I spent Thanksgiving and New Year's with family. But anyway, this question is about next year: I guess I'd like a job that I enjoy. Last year I wanted a new job and I got one, but I've found that I'm really not happy there either, and maybe in 2022 I can actually find a place where I can settle for a bit. 7. What date from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 20th, 2021: the day I reached the two week mark from my second shot and was officially fully vaccinated. And at the time that really opened things up in terms of what we felt safe doing. I remember how surreal it was when shortly after that I went to a coffee shop and ordered a latte and sat at a table without a mask on and drank it. Now I'm once again wearing a mask everywhere and being selective about when I take part in risky activities--but what a moment that was in the midst of all of this, when we finally got that long-awaited vaccine. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Way back in January I finished knitting my giant bug and I have showered that bug with cuddles and kisses pretty much every day since. The bug has really been the backbone of my 2021. 9. What was your biggest failure? Mostly I just think about my job. Like, I'm lucky enough to have a career that, in general, I love, and in the past it's been a source of pride and achievement in my life and this new job I got this year... I spent a lot of the year without a lot to do which is not as fun as it sounds, and then when I am busy, it's with stuff I don't feel like I'm good at or particularly enjoy, with coworkers who are difficult, and in an organization that is kind of dysfunctional... I just feel so discouraged. I'm looking for yet another job now but maybe I should've done something about this sooner or made better choices when I picked this new job. I don't know. Hopefully I will have better news on this front next year. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The vaccine kicked my ass so it felt like I had a mini flu after the second shot and the booster, but it was suffering for a good cause. I had a sore throat for a while in the summer which I probably should've gotten a covid test for but I even saw my doctor at that time and he looked at it and didn't seem particularly concerned about the possibility of covid--people still get colds, I guess. I got a crown on a tooth for the first time this year, though (and I'm getting a second one shortly after the first of the year...)

11. What was the best thing you bought? My fiance and I split the cost of a stand mixer which is, of course, the dream appliance. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My sister just got a new job after looking for a while and I'm happy for her.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Remember the January 6th insurrection at the capital? Yeah, fuck those guys. 14. Where did most of your money go? I keep a budget now so I can tell you with confidence that most of my money went to rent, followed by actually starting a Roth IRA this year (getting over my reluctance to deal with that kind of financial stuff was my "failure" answer last year and this year I did do some of that stuff!) and filling it with money I'd saved. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I got engaged! I have an engagement ring and I'm planning a wedding and we have a venue for next fall! (I read and researched a lot about weddings this year.) 16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2021? Lianne La Havas' self-titled and especially the song "Green Papaya" (which was my top song on my Spotify wrapped this year--and also what I listened to in the car on the drive home after we officially got engaged.) Also, Sufjan Stevens and Angelo Augustine's album A Beginner's Mind, the song "Bloomsday" by Samantha Crane.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? Happier. ii. Older or wiser? Wiser. iii. Thinner or fatter? Fatter. iv. Richer or poorer? Richer. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Answering some of the other questions in this meme made me realize that while I discovered some great individual, miscellaneous songs from artists I didn't know before this year, I didn't dig into a lot of whole albums or discographies from new artists. I wish I'd been more exploratory about music this year. 19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Indulging in schadenfreude or snark as entertainment, like reading gossip-y subreddits and stuff like that. I think a little of that is fine in life, but this year I spent more time than I'm proud of relishing that kind of negativity. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? We canceled Christmas with family because my fiance was exposed to someone who was possibly exposed to Covid and we wanted to play it safe. Instead, on Christmas Eve my fiance made a nice chicken dinner and we opened one present together, and then on Christmas Day we gave each other stockings and presents, I made a dinner of beef tenderloin and potatoes, we drank champagne, and we watched A Muppet Christmas Carol.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? Since Christmas got canceled, we had a make-up Christmas dinner and gift exchange with my parents, aunt, one of my cousins and her kids (and briefly my sister.) On New Year's Day we will be flying kites in the morning (weather permitting) and then spending the evening with my fiance's family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2021? I continue to be in love with my new fiance! 23. How many one-night stands? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program? We started watching Ted Lasso together and have been enjoying that.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I followed the Josh Duggar trial and also recently finished listening to the podcast I Pray You Put This Journal Away and wow do I have a lot of hatred for some people in fundamentalist Christian cults. 26. What was the best book you read? I really enjoyed John Green's The Anthropocene Reviewed, which is a series of essays reviewing... things (like Diet Dr. Pepper, Canada geese, air conditioning, and Super Mario Kart), ending with a rating out of five stars. I would like to share with you one of my favorite bits of that book as it happens to be about New Year's Eve:

I think "Auld Lang Syne" is popular in Hollywood not just because it's in the public domain and therefore cheap, but also because it's the rare song that is genuinely wistful--it acknowledges human longing without romanticizing it, and it captures how each new year is a product of all the old ones. When I sing "Auld Lang Syne" on New Year's Eve, I forget the words like most of us do, until I get to the fourth verse, which I do have memorized: "We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dine / but seas between us broad have roared since Auld Lang Syne."

And I think about the many broad seas that have roared between me and the past--seas of neglect, seas of time, seas of death. I'll never again speak to many of the people who loved me into this moment, just as you will never speak to many of the people who loved you into your now. So we raise a glass to them--and hope that perhaps somewhere, they are raising a glass to us.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I listened to the Sleigh Bells album Treats this year and it was a bit more aggressive than what I typically listen to but I enjoyed some of that. "Rill Rill" was one of my most played songs this year.

28. What did you want and get? To finally go on my fiance's family's annual Door County vacation, which I've had to duck out of every year I've been dating him. I know it's important to him, and I had a good time.

29. What did you want and not get? We wanted to get our favorite empanada bar to cater our wedding but they never responded to our emails inquiring about it and it doesn't appear they do catering anymore :( Instead we got another restaurant we like and it'll be great, but we had been dreaming about the empanadas since before we were engaged. 30. What was your favorite film of this year? I think it was definitely tick, tick... BOOM! which I'm glad I saw in theaters (I was able to see one other movie in theaters this year--The French Dispatch.)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31 this year, which wasn't as emotionally difficult as turning 30 was. We had dinner at Organ Piper Pizza, which is a local restaurant where, well, they serve pizza and take requests on a theater pipe organ. Then we ate cake at my parents' house.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If everyone in this country actually got their shit together and got vaccinated when the vaccine became available :) 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2021? The pandemic made me want to do something bold with my look and at the end of 2021 I was brave enough to get the ends of my hair dyed pink, which is the first time I've ever had an unnatural color in my hair. I was also having fun with nail polish earlier in the year, especially after getting an engagement ring. I got new glasses and sunglasses with bigger frames. I got a couple shift dresses with bold, colorful patterns that I loved. In general, I think this was a year of responding to laying low during lockdown with being a bit more brave and expressive. 34. What kept you sane? In the summer, after I was fully vaccinated, I started taking pottery classes and then got a membership at the clay studio. Learning a new skill, making things with my hands, being creative, and fulfilling something I was dreaming about during lockdown all were really helpful to me. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don't know that I had an obvious celebrity crush this year. There are some nice looking people in the cast of Ted Lasso that I enjoyed. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? Climate change is something I'm still really trying to reckon with and I was hoping that there'd be more happening politically this year to make me feel like something was actually being done about it. 37. Who did you miss? I miss some old coworkers of mine from previous jobs who really made my work days fun even when the work wasn't. 38. Who was the best new person you met? Maybe Liz, the woman who teaches my pottery classes, because now I know how to do pottery things! 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021: There's a lot of value in celebrating holidays and marking the changing of the seasons, even when things like climate change and a pandemic make it harder. I don't feel like I really did enough to savor Halloween this year, for example, and that bothered me. On the flip side, we went on a special hike the night of the winter solstice as part of a local nature center event, which is more attention than I've ever given the winter solstice before, and there was something comforting about acknowledging the changing length of the days. There's a reason this stuff has been such a big deal to all sorts of cultures over all sorts of time periods.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Our hearts overgrown, longing for peace of our own Found Heaven in you, promise to be pure and true Still mountains to climb, we will survive, still got time My partner-in-crime, hoping you'll love me 'til we die

Lianne La Havas - "Green Papaya"

[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[el-norawrites]

How (i) write a fight

this was for another thing but i thought: why don’t post it? How the title says these are indications on how to write fights, but of course these are things that i personally think are useful and i hope that can be useful it’s not like one has to follow this point to point

CONSIDER THE FIGHTERS:

The way a character moves in a fight is determined by many factors including the most notable: weapons, fatigue, self and opponent's strength, range, experience, environment and number. In general these elements determine an ADVANTAGE OR DISADVANTAGE situation (eg1. If I am outnumbered but my sniper friend has my back then I can win eg2. If I am physically weaker I can use a firearm)

The goal of a fight is to prevail over the other (even in a training setting) and to do this you need to use all your tools to advantage.

WEAPONS:

We have 4 options:

With bare hands

Side arms

Firearms

Blunt objects

This is a concrete and central factor that often influences others.

A character can choose a certain weapon because

They have no choice

This is their weapon

They knows how to use that weapon

It should be taken into consideration HOW MUCH the character KNOWS ABOUT THE WEAPON THEY ARE USING (e.g. I can have a gun but if I don't know how to use it it's useless)

Hand-to-hand combat:

There are many ways and styles all with their OWN STRENGTHS AND OBJECTIVES but generally a character chooses his fighting style not only for his physical traits but also based on MENTALITY / PERSONALITY, so this is a nice way to show their values​​/morals etc

Obviously, physical prowess is an important factor, the factors to take in consideration are  :

Physical strength

Height

Resistance

Although terminology is important there are many terms and a fight must be FLUID and CLEAR often so using too many technical terms is counterproductive.

Small glossary:

Slash/Upright = a hit from top to bottom and bottom to top respectively

Lunge = forward strike

Block = there are various types, stop an attack

Swerving = using your weapon or other to change speed/direction of an hit

Nocking /shooting = respectively put an arrow on the string and release an arrow (also applies to crossbows)

Cut stroke (i.e. from the cutting edge of the blade)

FATIGUE

A fight is always physically and psychologically tiring, precisely because it is always present it’s an element that must always be described even in a minimal part.

Because fatigue is strongly connected to the RESISTANCE a good fighter is extremely aware of this characteristic (how long he can resist for example in a friction fight)

Often used in strategies especially to level a disadvantage with a physically stronger opponent for tire an opponent or make him make a mistake. It is very likely that the fighter who gets tired first will lose, if not by third parties, tricks, luck and the like.

RANGE / RADIUS

Generally it depends on the weapon and the environment. Each weapon has its own range and can be useful for a certain range (e.g. a bow will be of little use in a hand-to-hand combat)

A useful question is "Does this weapon enter this space?" (intended as an environment and between the two fighters)

Changing the range can expand or reduce the options available to a fighter. The perception of space is usually learned through fighting and training.

ENVIRONMENT

Very important component determines:

Range/radius

STRATEGIES

Fatigue

Weapons

The environment always offers good ideas because it can:

Limit / benefit movement (resulting in fatigue and range)

It can be used as a weapon or to repel a blow/shot

Determine how to act

A prime example is Thermopylae: how to beat an army much larger than yours? Simple, you lock them up in a tight space where you can 1) hit from above 2) kill them one by one

BUT HOW TO WRITE ALL THIS?

Apparently there are a lot of things to keep in mind, but when you imagine a fight a lot of these factors are already present (see, the number, the where (environment) and what weapons they have) so what you really want to describe is THE RESULT OF DATA YOU HAVE

As mentioned, a figth must be FLUID AND CLEAR:

The reader needs to know what positions the characters are in

the reader must have clear the initial situation, who is in advantage / disadvantage, etc.

What are the possibilities of the protagonist

A fight has no real moments of pause if fluidity is "ongoing" in this sense, distraction can be fatal

One way to do this is SEGMENTING the sentences:

Short sentences

Few adverbs and adjectives

Describe subsequent actions and often "without showing them" then move on to the consequences of the action

Try to make the pace fast

→ A good method could be to draw the figth (directional arrows are enough)

→ Determine the winner from the beginning

→ REALISM in fights even more because everyone knows about fights (see film etc) but at the same time they often don't know HOW they work

→ Show FATIGUE and WOUNDS: if a character is hit he must suffer the hit, otherwise you get a SUPERPOWER effect, useful if you want to show a completely different level between two characters but generally RARE

→ An untrained character can usually win only by strategy, luck, weapons or third party intervention

(as always feel free to add things!)

[caustic-light]

This is talking specifically about my own experiences as a queer person who lived his whole life in germany, so it might not apply the same way elsewhere, also I am not a muslim, so if anyone can shine some better light on that side of the issue, especially if someone is actually a queer muslim that would be amazing, but I feel there is really something to say about how queerphobia and islamophobia intersect and are pitted against each other in some really weird ways.

There is this very weird disconnect where as a queer person growing up in germany you are taught that muslim communities lean rather conservative and there is a lot of homophobia, which I suppose is not totally wrong in an isolated bubble, but also creates this very specific fear of muslims that my own experiences have disproven again and again throughout my life. This is something so silently taken for granted that even after lots of experiences showing me a much more nuanced picture, it’s something I personally still struggle with disentangling in my brain.

One of my best friends for a while growing up was a muslim boy who looking back had a crush on me and was absolutely not stealthy about it. I have talked to muslim teenagers for whom I was the first openly queer person they had ever gotten the chance to ask about things. Were those questions homophobic? Yeah, mostly, but also one from the group kept calling them out on their shit and the homophobia wasn’t like… malicious. It was teenagers who had misconceptions but also had the chance to ask things that had been on their minds for a while probably. And even behind a facade of snarky homophobia there was an obvious genuine curiosity about queerness. I have gone to a turkish barbershop with my nails painted and been super anxious about getting any comments or worse, but I only got complimented on my beard. When my band played on a pride we met two muslim dudes who passed by and had no idea what any of that was about but who after a brief explanation just joined the march and later took photos of us.

I have never had a personal experience of being attacked by any muslim for my queerness. But I still grew up internalizing that muslims are largely homophobic and conservative. The whole kicker is. We have a white supremacist party in our parliament who are actively queerphobic and who have more than 10% of the votes. Even past that, germany has a lot of conservativism. By all means, non muslims in this country are neither really safer, nor less safe in this country than muslims as a rule. And queerphobia in muslim spaces is in my experience something that, at least with younger generations, is a lot more about anxiety and insecurity than about hatred. And these teens are willing to learn. The one’s I have talked to suck up any chance to talk about these things because they just lack the option otherwise.

There has to be a reason it’s harder for young muslims to get into contact with queerness. And sure, their families, toxic masculinity, peer pressure are probably one reason, but…

I am still instinctually afraid of showing queerness in muslim heavy spaces and surroundings. As much as I know better and as much as I am working on removing my own biases, it’s hard because you’re just constantly bombarded with islamophobia and fearmongering. And the reason it’s hard for queer people to actually get into contact with muslims, something that would be bitterly needed for us, to get rid of that shit, is that queer spaces keep perpetuating that stereotype. And that keeps muslims who genuinely want to engage with queer topics, or even just want to hesitantly poke one toe into the water to test it, out of our spaces and communities.

And as a non muslim I know I can not make any definitive statement on how strong the pressure is to keep away from queer topics. I can only guess based on the mix of apprehension and intense curiosity that I have seen in my admittedly limited interactions. But I would wager that the curiosity is much bigger than we ever give it credit for. And this dialogue is something so many people on both sides would take away things from.

But instead we are pitted against each other in a way that, at least from the queer side of things, no other community over here seems to be.

The german queer community is so much whiter than the average german population. And we don’t question and examine that enough. And ask how much of that is our own fault.

[parvuls]

i tried to headcanon about sex and ended up with 1.5k words of commentfic

warning: nsfw discussion. also warning: i like to discuss my headcanons in writing even if no one cares.

as you know (and if not, seriously, what r u even doing here) i am obsessed with the boys' first summer. and once i started envisioning the delightful awkward chaos that are their first times, i also tried to make sense of their sexual development timeline.

THE FACTS:

huddle 3 (spoiler!) contains an anal scene that apparently takes place at providence during their first summer

bitty only visited providence once that summer

for no more than a week

after having seen jack in person only once (1) since the graduation kiss.

so obviously, i told myself -- here are the two options: a) huddles are not canon, and ngozi inserted that scene during the summer for no particular reason [but then why mention its timing at all?]. or, b) the boys moved far faster than i would otherwise headcanon for them.

but, ALSO FACTS:

bitty has no sexual or romantic experience

jack's sexual experience with men is limited at worst and just a really long time ago at best

they're both disgusting hopeless romantics who are exactly the type of couple to be into shit like candlelight and rose petals and freakin' elvis crooning in the background (can you tell i'm not a romantic person in my personal sex life? do people still listen to elvis?)

and, just to push this post further into the nsfw category, MORE FACTS:

anal sex is such a delicate, elaborate process

i am a sucker for the realistic!sex trope

it's like totally not exaggerated to have sex three or four times a day the first week you're in a relationship. especially if you've been waiting to be alone together for two months. and are young and horny.

so this leaves us with heacanon A (huddle is not canon compliant) and heacanon B (huddle is canon).

HEADCANON A:

they 'kiss a bunch and shit' in madison (thanks lardo!). they also tentatively make it to third base (i mean, i did say they were horny). i covered this bit in fic.

i personally do not believe in the skype sex headcanon pre-year 3 because i think they'd be too awkward for it before actually having had enough sex (it is, in fact, pretty awkward), but more power to anyone who does. i definitely believe there was some suggestive texting between july 4th and providence. both boys blushed like tomatoes during this.

i'd say providence started from where they left off (frottage and handjobs) and slowly developed into a lot of oral from both parties (their love for this act also features in huddle 3). if this was a typical college first relationship i'd say they lingered at this stage for longer, but because they had a week straight of private time and also knew they'd be doing long distance, there was probably a bit of really tentative fingering thrown there towards the end of the week. maybe intercrural, although i wonder which one of them would think of it at that stage.

ha, now i'm thinking about bitty waking jack up on his 25th birthday and throwing out some super cheesy line about giving him a birthday present, red-faced but determined, and then trying to go down on him for the first time. i'm now also thinking about it being a total flawed mess. i'm sorry, i can't help the realistic kink!!!

anyway. then there's year 3. i kinda feel like they were securely intimate before thanksgiving and coming out to smh, so they probably tried anal sometime between august and november during one of bitty's visits. maybe even relatively early on (again, horny and doing long distance). mid-september, maybe? the french flashcards weekend was september 13rd, that totally checks out.

personally, i always headcanon it as a complete disaster. to get more detailed, i think bitty would insist on bottoming the first time (lbh, bitty comes from a pretty biased background and probably didn't have a lot of in depth conversations about 'roles' in gay sex before, and also probably feels like he's got something to 'prove' as a gay man), but he's a nervous wreck and just the stretching hurts a lot more than he thought it would because he can't relax, and it hurting means he definitely can't relax, and jack's shaking because, well, bitty, but also because bitty doesn't seem to be enjoying himself and this wasn't what jack wanted -- but bitty's insisting he doesn't want to stop. anyway, jack tries to do it but just the first penetration hurts bitty too much and they break it off and then there's, like, three hours of cuddling and petting and really honest, intense conversation and some super intimate mutual handjobs at the end. but no anal. they'll get there.

if we're even more detailed, i think they get there first with jack bottoming. he's (probably) done it before, knows what to expect, is a lot calmer with bitty being in control of the pace. it goes great. there are candles and rose petals and elvis and they stare meaningfully into each other's eyes. you get the gist.

next time (a few weeks later? bitty's next visit?) they try bitty bottoming again. they go a lot slower. there's a lot more laughter and the fingering part takes, like, an hour and a half. bitty's having a great time. jack is having a great time (taking care! of bitty! who's enjoying himself! it's the best). the sex itself is a little stop and go but ultimately great.

then there's skype sex. poor chowder across the hall. i hope they've got good soundproofing.

'but!' you say, if any of you read all the way to this part, 'what about huddle 3???'. well --

HEADCANON B

everything goes pretty much the same except a lot faster, and so a lot more awkwardly and with a lot more talking thrown in (these boys talk. a lot. and if they want to get from zero sex ever to anal in a week, they'll have to be very very open and honest. also, the sex itself is probably a little less technically good than headcanon A because they don't really know each other's bodies, but it's just as intimate and emotional and fun).

so let's say they have five days together (august 2-6). first day is making out against the front door (they missed each other, okay?) and the frottage and handjobs as previously mentioned. multiple times, probably. when bitty gets there; after dinner; before sleep (plus, first blowjob - jack takes his time worshipping bitty); in the middle of the night (bitty wakes up and jack is pressed up against him and --).

second day is jack's birthday and bitty's first time giving a blowjob, as detailed in A4. they probably do birthday stuff around town during the day and bitty attempts oral once again sometime in the evening (this time it's much smoother). when they go to bed that night bitty takes a deep breath and tells jack that he wants to try 'full sex'. it's a little because it's jack's birthday and bitty thinks it'd be romantic, and a lot because he's unsure of when they'll see each other next and wants to try it before school and the hockey season fill their calendars. jack is wide-eyed and fumbly and tries to simultaneously say that any sex is full sex (thanks shitty!) and that they don't have to go so fast and also convey that he totally, totally wants to do that with bitty but he just wants it to be really good. most of it comes out as: "ah... uhhh???" and a lot of blinking.

but they do try it. it goes as detailed above in A6, i.e. not well. afterwards, there's the same amount of cuddling and talking deep into the night and they both emerge from that experience a lot more confident in each other and in their bodies around each other.

on the third day jack wakes up before bitty and lies there staring at the ceiling and thinking, and when bitty wakes up groggy and cute jack says, in his best hockey captain voice, "we should try it the other way around", less like he's suggesting a sexual act and more like he's thinking of a hockey strategy. good thing bitty really likes him just the way he is. they do that, and it goes as described in A7, i.e. pretty damn well. it makes them feel super clingy and in love for the rest of the day and there's more frottage against the kitchen counter after bitty feeds jack pie and that night bitty tries bottoming again. we've established that it goes much better that time.

and, finally, on the fourth day they have the huddle 3 sex scene (it includes rimming). its tone would have to shift a little to fit in this timeline but i really did my best here.

on the fifth day there's sleepy morning groping and then oral in the shower and then the drive back to samwell. they're happy. they're in love. they're gonna get married (not now, but i just felt like mentioning it). they're gonna get much better at the whole sex thing that year.

the skype sex still takes awhile. and it’s definitely bitty’s idea. that boy knows his way around a camera.

:)

[tessagracerichards]

I saw [TESSA RICHARDS] at a coffee shop in [MANHATTAN] today. I forgot how much [SHE] looks like [ZOEY DEUTCH]. They are a [TWENTY-SIX] year old [CHILD LIFE SPECIALIST] who’s been in NYC for [THREE YEARS] now. Every time we run into each other, they are always [TENDERHEARTED AND NURTURING] but I’ve heard people say they can also be [BLUNT AND GUARDED]. [SHE IS LOVE BY PARACHUTE] reminds me of them every time it comes on the radio. — [saxon, she/her, 26, cst]

Out Of Character

Hello hello bbies! I am Saxon and this is the absolute labor of my love Tessa, please love her even though she doesn’t deserve it! I am very open to connections, ideas and plotting so please, please, please do not hesitate to hit me up if you want to conjure something up with my disaster child! 

Also please forgive the mess that is this intro and her Pinterest, she’s been around for years so things have built up and gotten chaotic over time. I really told myself I would shorten her intro but I didn’t manage much, please look away. 

Basic Information

Full Name: Tessa Grace Richards.

Nickname(s): Tess, Tessie. 

Date of Birth: November 10th, 1994.

Gender: Cisfemale.

Pronouns: She/Her.

Orientation: Heterosexual.

Language(s) Spoken: English, Sign, Spanish.

Pinterest

Background

So Tessa was born to an unwed couple who were in their mid 30′s at the time, her mom thought the two of them were hopelessly in love until Tessa was four and dude just dipped? Her mom came home one day and all his stuff was gone, no note or anything, he emptied their account and they haven’t ever heard from him since.

Her mom is an absolute saint of a woman however (think Lorelai from Gilmore Girls meets Donna Sheridan from Mamma Mia), just an absolute quirky angel of a woman who definitely took in and helped abandoned animals but was also the place all the kids in town knew they could go if they had shitty parents/living situations or just a bad day and they needed a safe place to go? So obviously she stepped up and took down all dudes pictures and just raised Tessa like the single boss she is.

Tessa grew up into like an angel of a kid but oh buddy was she a chaotic one. Total tomboy, full of insane energy and personality, always on the move and exploring and doing things she shouldn’t be. Definitely the type to show up back at home as the suns going down just covered in dirt and bumps and bruises. 100% knocked her own baby teeth out from falling and slamming her face and had two front silver teeth as a little kid.

She was never very girly and because she grew up in this southern town that was just full of very critical asshole kids from more well-off families than her own was, particularly the girls who were very prissy, she definitely ended up clicking more with boys and quickly became ‘one of the guys’. Like undoubtedly had an all male friend group and was definitely the girl that girlfriends would be paranoid about while all the dudes were like confused as to how their girls were jealous because Tessa was just like another guy/little sibling, there was no interest on either end.

Has slight anger management issues? Like she’s chill but when she blows up man does she blow up. Pushed a girl down a flight of stairs at school after she made a remark about a friend, the family pressed charges and Tessa had to go to anger management classes and serve community service hours. She also got kicked out of school and just decided not to go back, went online and just got her GED at seventeen instead.

She realized her hometown didn’t have much to offer her and it wasn’t where she belonged, nor was she ready for college, so she took what money she had saved and instead purchased a sprinter van and began road tripping around the U.S.

At some point along the way, dumbass met a boy that wormed his way into her heart and it was a kind of a slightly unstable relationship because she would try and push away from him and her feelings but he always drew her back? Already has a shitty relationship with love after her father and two not ideal high school romances. Dude tried though and even proposed after like months of them being together and she panicked and ran but still he drew her back and they agreed that they should chill with the idea of engagement/marriage? There was always another girl in the picture though and even though he assured her that his feelings were with her, his actions often seemed to show otherwise.

After yet another break, the two ended up sleeping together but she definitely realized that he wasn’t in love with her at all/anymore so she saved herself the conversation and just dipped before he woke up and ran, spent a solid week just out partying/drinking and ended up sleeping with some stranger and  then ended up pregnant with no clue as to which guy was the baby’s father. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, it was the one night stand’s who decided he had no interest in being around.

Obviously she knew she needed to change her course and focus on becoming a mother and setting up a future for herself and her child, but not being financially independent enough, she reached out to a lifelong friend who allowed her to move in and began to figure out school.

She’s always been a big fan of kids (worked for a daycare after school, got involved with a charity that worked with orphans/orphanages while traveling) and so she decided that she wanted to be a child life specialist and is still in school but also working an internship with Presbyterian Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital.

Ended up having a little girl named Addison (Addi), this child is her whole world and she’s definitely the mom that posts about their kid too much on social media but she’s just turned Tessa’s life around and helped her mature in ways she wouldn’t have without her and she just loves her kid more than anything/anyone else.

Personality

A dork? Literally the biggest dork, the dorkiest of dorks, just a whole friggen dork. This child rambles like you wouldn’t believe and her mouth 100% works faster than her brain so like you never know what to expect but she’s just a happy, friendly, sarcastic little bean with social anxiety and a heart of gold tbh.

Also an aggressive lil’ lady though, like 12/10 chance she’ll throw hands if you want to fuck with or say something about the people she loves.

A chaotic soul as well like down to party and have a good time and will definitely drink a dude under the table, definitely broke her ribs two summers in a row from a drinking game because this child doesn’t know when to slow down or chill out, she’s just trying to live.

But also the mom friend? Like even before becoming a mom, she’s used to taking care of people and making sure everyone’s good like? 100% convinced her friends to do dumb shit as  a teenager and then turned around and tended to their wounds. Also if you’re in her house and it’s meal time, you’re eating. It’s not an option, like sit and eat dinner and tell me about your day.

Emotional as hell, like definitely cries during commercials and Disney movies, but like if you’re trying to tap into her serious emotions she’s gonna shut that shit down. She keeps people locked out tbh and just jokes about the serious shit in her life if she does talk about it.

Desired Connections

Friends; could have lived in/visited Texas and met when she was younger, met while she was traveling,  met through her charity work or just after her/them having moved to New York recently.

Exes; so her most recent ex is off limits because it’s based off a real connection but like either of her exes from high school? The first one (cheated on her) would have had to have lived in Texas for some time but the latter (only with her on a bet to see how long it would take to get in her pants, she broke dude’s nose when she found out) could have been visiting friends/family for a summer? If anyone has a character that works for these I’m down for the drama.

Hookups; Tessa is very weird about hookups/one night stands so this is a little limited but my girl definitely needs a few. 

Half siblings; so Tessa’s dad basically bailed when she was little - maybe he had another family? He could have had a kid before her who he also bailed on, could have started a family during the same time or after, he could have stayed there for them or bailed on them as well? They could know about Tessa, or neither could know about the other? Tessa pry wouldn’t know about them because she made it a point to never bother searching for this man let alone any family but literally I’m down for whatever other ideas you’ve got on this one!

Patients; if anyone has any younger siblings or kids of their own that perhaps Tessa helped or is currently helping take care of through her internship? She does everything from work in the hospital to house calls and works with both the medical and therapeutic aspects of things.