#he said i am killable

[the-peoples-exgirlfriend]

J left roses outside my door with the jack of hearts. He plays high stakes poker and me. He loves when I’m mad at him. I love when he’s sorry.

[mishapen-dear]

I think we overlooked the fucked up polycule dynamic potential of team bolas x the dog that hunts them

they gave him a house. he paid rent. he hunted them, picked them off one by one, but when they sought to hunt him he ran. the tormented and the tormented. the hunters and the hunter. them huddling around a fire, burning themselves as he lurks in the dark to devour any that stray too far from the light. when they gather their rocks and throw them as one he flees, tail between his legs as he hunts for his own safety

is there not familiarity in that? is there not love in the violence? let me kill you, i will return your greatest treasure. let me kill you, you’ve already destroyed me and mine. there is loneliness to the dark and hate in the bloodshed. what is hate if not the other side of love. what if obsession if not love driven too far. all of them bathed in the blood of the others, baptized by sin after sin after sin. mothers carry their litters in their mouths- when do the teeth at your throat start to feel gentle? bad once said about cellbit, “it was like throwing a ball, and saying fetch.” that went wrong for him. cellbit once said about bad, “you’ve gone soft.” that went wrong for him, too.

do you remember the slime kills? slime was bad’s first blood, his first taste of oncoming violence. bad was slime’s last kill, an end to the desperation that was sparked with the first base raid. do you remember that first day? bad on the water, slime on the shore, calling him in like a siren. ‘look at me, look how killable i am’ says the bait, desperately trying to build a trap even as the prey fears the untied-noose wrapping around its throat. do you remember the tension? do you remember how the sun punished them both?

‘look at me, look how killable i am,’ says the poisoned frog to the wolf. the bird to the dog. do you remember the kindness? the killing and the killing and the killing, and the laughter. the killing the killing the killing, and the earnest offer to help? remember how jaiden fed herself to the dog. remember how the dog listened. ‘where is your stuff? i’ll take you to your body.’ thousands of blocks away. then more blood, no screaming, just laughter.

do you see? do you see? they built him a dog house, and he paid them rent. hunters snd hunters. he killed them to bring back their children and he failed and they brought back his instead. how can he ever repay that? their blood coats him. his blood coats them. all of them animals. all of them desperate. remember the familiarity of teeth and the taste of your own death. when its all said and done what will they miss the most- being the hunters? or being the hunted?

and then they all make out and take turns getting beaten to death by jaiden. shes part of the group murder but not the romance of death. instead she gets to go to the club (the Spawn Rave)

[chericherilvr]

I bring all the drama - M.L.A

Pairing: Marcus Lopez x fem!Reader

Summary: Being in a secret relationship with Marcus was easy, I mean it still is even after I see Maria flirting with him. After all, I thrive for drama

Reader specifics: Said to have hair, reads romance, fem reader cause they call themselves a cool girl, hinted and pretty much told neurodivergent reader (with autistic and adhd in mind)

Warning: this is so fluff I wanna cry, my humor is broken, probably ooc (like all of them), reader talks to themselves, not proof read like at all

2.1k words hehe

a/n: this is for my pookie @lucifertoxics and my pookie only, if you aren't my pookie you can keep reading it who am I to stop you tbh xx-

He grabbed her hands, a tight embrace resembling those of sweet love stories. "I love you," he whispered melting inside her eyes. "I love you," she replied whising to whoever was listening for this moment to never end.

"When are you going to finally find a boyfriend and stop reading those books?" It's in times like this I thank that the school I'm in. He looks so killable, maybe could use him to ace Mr. Denke's class. I nod to myself as I stare at Billy my eyes narrowing, (i) Why do the school rules imply you can't kill any other student? I let myself roll my eyes, he's a lucky bastard. "How about you find yourself one and let me read in peace? Please and thank you" I smile at him turning back to my book. The chair creeks as he sits pointing out just how much care they added into the library. "I mean it," Billy whispers leaning on the table, "I'm not calling you a lonely loser, but that's exactly what I'm calling you" Would I be too mean if I laugh at him? I shrug and let myself snort at his suggestion, Billy grabs my book out of my hands and throws it far on the table, out of my reach. Can't a girl just enjoy their free time for once? I turn to look at him. "Okay, I'm listening" He grins at my words choosing to ignore the annoyed tone that they came out with.

"Just don't want you throwing away your romantic life cause you prefer spending it with people who don't exist" I smirk, if he only knew, my heart beats quick, I try to ignore the burning feeling, we said to keep it secret "They are real" I chuckle at his stare, snickering trying to not burst out laughing I keep talking "they are real to mee" I slap my hand to my mouth if I'm going to laugh at least I will try to not be so loud for the library. "You're helpless" I follow Billy with my eyes trying to calm down from the big laugh, my tingles hurting from laughing too much. "Oh man if he only knew" I wipe a tear shaking my head, and standing up from my chair. Man, I really needed a good laugh. Look around the room, look around the room. I shift around for a bit trying to not act eager, and as a cartoon movie I slowly walk out the library, yes I am skipping so what?

Truth be told, Billy was far from the truth. Don't get me wrong, I love my fictional boyfriends, but I would never choose them over my fluffy ball of chaos and depression, Marcus, my boyfriend. I giggle when I think of him quickly wiping a face in front of my face to turn my expression into a more neutral one. Cool girl y/n, cool girl. Omg I could maybe start a band and get a bike? That's pretty cool girl style, right? I usually tend to get lost in my own thoughts, and I wonder how people saw me, I mean I was litterally just skipping down the hall my eyes unfocoused and looking around the walls, incohearent mumbles bouncing around me. Oh fuck I must look crazy to them. I shrug, eh who cares.

I'm not aware of how long it took me to reach the spot, our spot. Sure it was a big rock laying around but seeing it makes my stomach jumping with butterflies. I would totally twirl my hair and kick my feet with a giggle if it wasn't for what I saw. "What the actual fuck" I blink a couple times, Marcus sitting on our spot with a smiling Maria standing next to him. I mean, it's a public space, it's not like they're together locked up in a room, but why was she raising her hand to brush his hair back. Girl I get it, but his hair wasn't even messed up, why would someone even? Oh. Everything stops, and by everything I mean me, who was still aproaching them. Oh fuck she's flirting with him. I would tell you everything I thought in that moment, but I would be lying if I didn't say my brain was racing so fast not even I caught most of it. Yet I can explain how my body tenses, fingers tapping each other, the sun that suddenly looked brighter, the wind on the grass, the birds chirping, it's too much, their breaths, oh wait no, my breath, the one I can't control right now. I force myself to look at him, and I'm met with silence.

A peaceful silence that wraps around my body massaging the tension out of it. A comfort silence that fills my heart back to life. I've never been so happy to see my boyfriend's face filled with disgust. My boyfriend. As if a button was pressed my human body reacts again, walking back towards them. Towards our spot. It takes all strength within me to not laugh when Marcus pushes Maria's hand when she tries to touch him again. "Hi" They turn to look at my smiling face, and I'm sure I must have also pressed a button in Marcus cause he looks like he's about to call me his saviour. I'll tease him for that later, I could get some extra cuddles. Do I want to be mean? I mean Maria is kind of my friend as well, and my relationship with Marcus has been kept secret since it started. But a bit of teasing can't hurt, can it?

I savour every second every slow milimeter that I move my head to look at Maria as if it was sweet candy. My eyes widden in surprise and I make sure to pull the best smile I could muster. "Omg Maria you're here too!" I cheer giving her a tight hug giggling. "I swear I didn't even saw you, how's everything?" She frowns a bit looking side to side, but there's no camaras filming you, bestie, this is all real. I grab Marcus hand rubbing my thumb along it giving him a quick kiss on his cheek and a lovesick smile before turning back to look at Maria, head tilting as I wait for her answer. Fuck am I a bad person for enjoying her shocked face right now? I mean I'm training to kill people, but that's a whole different story, right? "What the fuck?" I chuckle when she speaks, covering my mouth with my hand. "Fuck did I messed up languages again? It's hard sometimes to realize" And I swear to God, I deserve to get a grammy for the self-pitying face I'm doing right now, I whine a bit selling the act, "I asked how you were doing, we haven't seen each other since thursday back in class" I smile at her leaning a bit closer to Marcus but not really whispering to ask him "That was in english, right?" He nods at me trying to hold his laugh when he sees my worried face, I sigh in relief looking back at Maria.

"I've been good," aaah, the sweet taste of confusion, "sorry it's just," she pauses again proably trying to understand what was going on, I'll give her that, she does look like gears are turning in her head to think right now, "it's just, are you two together?" Maria points at us, I gasp out in pure shock. Damn someone should just cast me already for a telenovela. "Oh my god!" I exclaim dropping Marcus' hand, "fuck babe I'm sorry I forgot we were keeping it a secret" I cover my face and groan, "fuck I'm sorry"

Cheeky bastard decides to finally speak, grabbing my hands out of my face and pulls me to stand in front of him. Fuck you Marcus Lopez Arguello, now I'm going to blush because of you. I melt when he cups my face into his hands and chuckles shifting his mouth into a smirk. "It's okay Love, it was bound to be known someday, it's not your fault" He ruffles my hair and if it weren't cause I'm in my acting era I would have already glared at him for daring to mess with my hairstyle. "I'll get-" Maria doesn't even finish her words before she darts out towards the main building, and I can't help but wonder if she felt bad for flirting with someone taken (which has never stopped her before) or if she was already telling everyone in school (which if I'm honest, it's what I think was happening) I giggle once she's out of sight turning back to face Marcus.

"Don't look at me like that" I allow myself to glare him this time, if I ignore my hear begging to kiss him I can act mad at him right? "Like what?" "With a big smile, it makes you look too cute, not fair, making me want to kiss you and everything. Also how dare you!" I exclaim, I migh not be an actress, but I am dramatic, I try to make my hair look good again, "I come in here, looking cute as fuck, my hair giving everything it needs to give, and you go and ruffle it that's not fair like-" This motherfucker kisses me.

I mean who am I to reject a kiss from him? Specially when he still tastes like today's desert we had for lunch, now I want icecream again. I love when he kisses me, but I hate how he knews how much it affects me. I surrender to him, not being able to pull away, not wanting to pull away. He quiets down my brain, so much it's concerning, each time after my brain powers on post-Marcus effect, I consider calling my psychiatrist to test him, this can't be human, he can't be real, am I going crazy or does he share the same effects my pills do. Don't tell this to my psychiatrist, but his effect works even better, it might not help me concentrate but I love the quiet silence that fills my brain. He pulls away, and I add it to another reason as to why I hate Marcus; He's so perfect, and I'm so desperate for him.

"You're hot when you're jealous" It takes me a couple seconds to react to his words, I was being for real, post-Marcus effect lingers for a bit before I regain control of myself. "I wouldn't call it jealousy" He rolls his eyes smiling, licking the corner of his mouth and I just know it's cause of his ego being filled up, he raises an eyebrow challenging me to explain myself. I start speaking a couple of times trying to defend myself, but pause before a single word can come out. I throw my head back groaning before dropping it on his shoulder, burrying myself in his shirt, relaxing at his sweet smell. "Okay, I was jealous, but I don't think it quite was that" He humms and I giggle when I feel his neck vibrate to produce the sound, "my head was turn between wanting to run away and cry, and the other part was begging me, screaming at me to just punch her away from you" I raise my head just as he rubs my waist up and down, shivering when it got a bit too low, curse the tickles. He looks into my eyes, but doesn't force mines to be on his, he knows I'm listening. "Love, you know how much I love you, right?" His voice is so soft it could put a baby to sleep, I adore it.

"You're amazing, you're sweet," he kisses my forhead, "you're funny" he kisses the tip of my nose, "you're a pure soul trapped in a hellhole" I chuckle even with my eyes slightly watering, he keeps going, "you're so loving, you're so lovable, you're so much that fuck if it wasn't cause I really, really, want to say something else, I could be here all day. You're enough" he kisses my lips, I taste my tears. "how did you know?" I plead him, he ruffles my hair. "that you were feeling insecure? Cause I'm the best boyfriend ever" I can't argue with that, I think to myself as he kisses me again after a soft laugh.

He grabs my hands, a tight embrace resembling those of sweet love stories. "I love you," he whisps melting inside my eyes. "I love you," I reply whising to whoever was listening for this moment to never end.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH HOW DARE YOU NOT TELL ME-?!" Billy shouts.

[anonymousewrites]

Adolescent Antichrist (Book 4) Chapter Twenty-Two

Father Figure! Lucifer x Teen! Reader

Chapter Twenty-Two: Can I Order You to be Executed?

Summary: Demons, angels, and humans walk into a sacrificial chamber and go looking for a fight.

            (Y/N) squirmed against the ropes as more were added to tie them to the sacrificial table in the Mayan nightclub. When they got out (because they refused to let anyone go through with sending them to Hell), they were smashing this place to bits. Seriously, this sort of theme was asking for trouble, and now (Y/N) was having to deal with the stupid irony.

            “You guys are going to regret this,” snapped (Y/N), eyes blazing with anger as they glared at Squee and Dromos.

            Dromos scoffed. “As if you have any power here. An angel is formidable, sure, but a baby bird like you? We can handle you.”

            “They can’t even bring their wings out,” said Squee.

            (Y/N) pulled against the ropes around their torso, and the itch in their wings flared as they wanted to bring them out but couldn’t.

            “Soon, this will be all over,” said Dromos. “And we can clip the bird’s wings if we have to.”

            “Can I help?” said a woman demon, walking out of the shadows.

            Yaaaay, more, thought (Y/N) sarcastically.

            “We can all pull a feather,” said Dromos, chuckling.

            I’m really going to need to talk to Dad about what he taught these guys, thought (Y/N). They’re worse than him.

            “You’re not pulling anything from me,” snapped (Y/N). They smirked. “But if you want, you can get close to my shadow.” The drugs were still subduing their abilities, but they could move their own shadow enough. “I can pull on you.”

            The woman took a step back, and Squee eyed the shadow beneath (Y/N) warily. Dromos confidently took a step closer and grabbed (Y/N)’s hair. He jerked their head back, and they bit back a cry at the awkward angle their neck was forced into.

            “You’re really Lucifer’s kid. Only his kid would be so stupid as to challenge the people in charge now,” said Dromos.

            “Yeah, well, if he’s an idiot, what are you for obeying him for thousands of years?” sneered (Y/N).

            Dromos growled and roughly slammed their head against the stone before letting go and walking to Squee to make further preparations.

            (Y/N) blinked away blurry vision after hitting their head. They watched Squee hold up a vial to Dromos and the light. They knew what that meant: they were running out of time.

l

            “Alright, is there anything we need to know about how to fight a demon?” asked Chloe as she, Lucifer, and the LBGTQ+ Breakfast club (minus (Y/N)) walked towards the Mayan.

            “Not really,” said Lucifer. “They’re just super strong, scary, and mean.”

            “They’re like Maze except they can’t feel pain ‘cause they’re borrowing human bodies and lack any care for any humans,” said Em.

            “So we don’t have to feel guilty if we harm the bodies?” said Marcel.

            “No, they’re dead human bodies,” said Em.

            “Well, that’s one thing off my conscious,” said Olive.

            “I really don’t think you four should be here,” said Chloe. “You’re just kids. I don’t want you fighting unkillable demons.”

            “We’re staying,” said Leon matter-of-factly.

            “Detective, they are killable,” said Lucifer, helpfully for the teens but unhelpfully for Chloe. “You just need a little extra oomph.”

            “We’ve got oomph,” said Noa.

            “Yes, but none of you are coming in,” said Lucifer. “No humans are coming into the Mayan to fight.”

            “What?!” Chloe and the teens all clamored angrily.

            “Oh, yes, I am,” said Chloe.

            “We’re not staying out here while (Y/N)’s in danger,” exclaimed Marcel.

            “Demons or no demons, they’re our friend,” said Leon.

            “It’s too dangerous for humans,” said Em, shaking their head.

            “Detective, you in particular…could cause some problems. I’m vulnerable when you’re around, remember?” said Lucifer.

            “But not when (Y/N)’s there,” said Chloe, easily seeing through Lucifer’s attempt to get her away to safety.

            “I don’t make you vulnerable, either.”

            Everyone jumped and turned to see Eve walking in the street behind them. She had followed them. Em growled and moved forward, but Olive grabbed her shirt and pulled her back with impressive strength.

            “Eve!” exclaimed Lucifer, also frustrated since he didn’t have time to deal with her. His kid was in danger inside the Mayan.

“You’re supposed to be at the Penthouse,” said Chloe.

            “I know,” said Eve. “But I needed to apologize for…for all of it, and everything I’ve put you through. And for (Y/N). I never wanted them to get hurt. I-I’m really sorry.”

            “Tell it to (Y/N),” snapped Em.

            “I-I will. That’s why I’m here. I’ve realized that I-I wanted Lucifer, or I thought I did, but I realize I’ve just been missing the person I used to be. When I was with you.” Eve looked down. “(Y/N) was right. I was trying to make you someone you’re not because I don’t know who I am. And I’m so so sorry I didn’t realize sooner.”

            “Well, I hope that you find who you are, but I really wish you’d had this epiphany before you let demons loose on Los Angeles,” said Lucifer.

            “You and me both,” said Eve.

            “I can still punish her for her lack of vision,” grumbled Em, and Marcel put his hand out so she’d run into him if she got away from Olive.

            “I know I deserve it,” said Eve. “I understand that there’s nothing I can do to make up for what I’ve done. But I’m gonna have to try. So, that’s why there’s nothing you can do to stop me from going in there.”

            “Very well,” said Lucifer after a moment. Eve didn’t seem to be lying. And he was all for having more people on their side against the demons. It meant he had a chance of saving (Y/N). “We’ll just have to wait for my brother and Maze to—”

            As if summoned, Amenadiel landed from the sky carrying Maze. His black wings disappeared into his back, and he put Maze down.

            Maze stared at Eve. “What are you doing here?”

            “Lucifer told us what you did,” said Amenadiel.

            “Hey, adults!” said Noa. “Can we focus on getting (Y/N) out of there?”

            “I’m sure you’ll all be able to argue later,” said Leon.

            “What are they doing here?” asked Maze, staring at Chloe and Lucifer.

            “Relax, they know,” said Em.

            “They know?” said Amenadiel.

            “(Y/N) told us,” said Olive.

            “We’re here to help,” said Noa.

            “So let’s focus,” said Marcel.

            “There really isn’t any time for this,” said Lucifer. “(Y/N) is in danger. We need all the help we can get.”

            “Then let’s help them,” said Chloe, touching Lucifer’s hand.

            He nodded, and everyone turned to the Mayan with pure determination.

l

            Dromos walked up to the stage with the vial in hand. He raised it over (Y/N)’s tied body and uncorked the bottle. (Y/N) clamped their lips shut, determined not to drink it as he lowered it towards them. They weren’t doing any goddamned ritual.

            “Dromos!”

            A powerful voice boomed and echoed around the room. (Y/N)’s heart pounded in relief.

            “Dad!” they cried.

            Their head turned to see him, and the demons looked up from the sacrificial table to Lucifer as he stared at them. Amenadiel, Maze, Eve, and Em stood beside him. Farther back in the shadows, (Y/N) could see their friends and Chloe waiting to help.

            Everyone came…to help me? (Y/N)’s eyes widened. They knew Lucifer would care and so would their friends, but to see so many people…it was a shock.

            “Surely you know that underage drinking is illegal here on Earth,” said Lucifer, smirking.

            Dromos laughed mirthlessly as he leaned back and corked the vial protectively. “Now, you see, the thing is, I don’t take orders from you anymore. Not since the whole abdication thing. So…long live King (Y/N). We just have to clip their wings a little, and they’ll listen to some input from us. Think of us as…regents to the throne.” Dromos grinned.

            “If I’m King, can I order you to be executed?” snapped (Y/N), but they clamped their mouth shut again when Dromos dangled the vial over them.

            “Now, Lucifer, you gotta admit you’ve been a bit of a selfish king, keeping the whole Earth thing to yourself,” said Dromos.

            Isn’t it really God’s thing? thought (Y/N), but at this point they really couldn’t expect demons or angels or anyone else biblical to have logic.

            “Give me my child,” snapped Lucifer, not having anything to offer Dromos other than anger at his treatment of (Y/N), Lucifer’s child, his first love.

            “Over my dead body,” said Dromos. He chuckled. “Oh, that—that’s right. It’s already dead.” The swarm of demons around him snickered and grinned. “So you’re gonna have to get a little creative.”

            Maze drew out her demon blades, and Em pulled out their own. They jumped down to the nightclub’s dancefloor with Amenadiel and advanced on the demons. Instantly, several demons jumped towards them, and the battle began. Maze sliced through several demons, and even when she got hit, she refused to stay down. Amenadiel was just as formidable, able to take attacks and deal out ones of significant strength. Em relied on her smaller figure and speed. She dodged around attackers and slashed at muscle to slow down their human bodies. They didn’t feel the pain, but torn tendons and ligaments affected movement all the same.

            Eve had one of Maze’s knives and stabbed at demons that tried to make it out the door. Chloe was waiting for those trying to run into the fray and shot at them. Several ran for the humans guarding the exit angrily. If they could kill the humans, after all, they could bring out more demons for their cause.

            One grabbed Olive from behind, and she cried out before grabbing their wrist and throwing them over their shoulder. The ground cracked upon impact, and she stared before curling her hands into fists. If she was suddenly strong, that was fine with her. She pivoted and punched a demon going for Em.

            Noa grinned and decided to not wait around, either. Chloe was shooting demons, and Noa grabbed one running for her. The demon’s strength faltered, and he seemed to gasp for breath before falling to his knees. Em sent a knife through his head before he could recover at all.

            Leon grabbed the knife and spun on another demon, dodging the swipe from her. They grabbed her arm, and the demon blinked sluggishly as she felt herself tire. Leon took advantage of her sudden exhaustion and plunged the knife into her. Em ripped it out and went for another demon.

            Marcel hit one demon when he went for Leon, and the demon jerked back. He turned on Marcel and grabbed the teen, but as he tried to throttle him, he coughed. The demon coughed heavily, and blood spilled over his lips. Marcel made a grossed-out face and kicked the demon back. Olive grabbed him and tossed him carelessly to the side.

            None of them asked questions about what was happening and just continued fighting.

            Lucifer approached the stage, but Dromos dragged (Y/N)’s body up and held the vial over their mouth, forcing it open with his other hand.

            “Ah-ah-ah,” he said as Lucifer slowed and tensed. “I wouldn’t come any closer if I were you.”

            Two other demons lunged at Lucifer, and he blocked their attacks. They remained in front of Dromos as Lucifer narrowed his eyes.

            “You are going to pay, Dromos,” said Lucifer darkly.

            “Really? My money’s on me, pal,” said Dromos, still dangling the vial.

            The two demons attacked again, but Lucifer easily parried them. Still, one landed a hard kick, and Lucifer stepped back upon impact.

            Dromos clicked his tongue in disappointment. “You’re getting soft,” he admonished condescendingly. “Getting all mushy with the humans. It’s disgusting.”

            “Ah!” An angry yell pierced the air, and Eve threw a makeshift blindfold over Dromos’s eyes. He stumbled and let go of (Y/N). Lucifer quickly threw the other two demons to the side before grabbing his kid.

            “Dad!” they said in relief as he cut through the ropes holding them.

            “(Y/N), you have to run,” said Lucifer protectively. “Do you understand? Em and your friends will get you out.”

            “No, I have to fight with you!” said (Y/N).

            “No!” said Lucifer, grabbing their shoulders. He stared into their eyes. “This is your father trying to protect you, do you understand? I’m not letting my child stay in danger. Go.” He cupped their cheek. “Let me protect you for once.”

            (Y/N) stared at him before nodding and running off of the platform. Instantly, Em was at their side. She touched their hand to reassure (Y/N) she was there (and to reassure herself). Then, they were off, running towards the entrance where their friends were defending their exit.

            Several demons ran at them and grabbed their friends. (Y/N) reacted instinctively and raised a hand. The shadows erupted out of every pool of darkness and grabbed the demons attacking the teens. They were dragged back, and (Y/N) quickly stood in front of their friends.

            Their wings burst out from their back, bright red and glorious. They glared at the demons as the shadows rose up around them. The demons had the good sense to take a step back.

            “You threatened the people I love,” said (Y/N) darkly. “No one gets away with that.”

            The shadows grabbed the demons even as they tried to flee, and Em’s knives were ripped from their hands by shadows to plunge themselves into the many demons. The bodies slumped to the ground, permanently dead. Around them, Amenadiel, Eve, Maze, and Chloe were finishing the others. Lucifer kicked Dromos back, and the leader of the demons stumbled.

            “There’s no one left, Dromos,” said Lucifer. “Party’s over.” He was ready to punish the demon for what he’d tried to do to (Y/N). No one got away with hurting his kid. “I think it’s time you went home.”

            Dromos glared. “Make me.”

            Amenadiel and Maze grabbed Dromos’s arms while Lucifer took off his coat. “Very well.” His eyes turned red, and he took Maze’s demon blade and held it to Dromos’s throat.

            Dromos smirked. “Are you sure you want them to see this?” he said, staring over Lucifer’s shoulder.

            Lucifer faltered and glanced back at where (Y/N) stood and was watching him. He…He couldn’t be a monster in front of his kid.

            “(Y/N)…you were supposed to run,” he said, turning to them worriedly.

            “I have to protect my friends,” said (Y/N) simply.

            “It’s so sweet I’m gonna puke,” sneered Dromos.

            “I don’t want you to see this,” said Lucifer.

            “Then don’t do anything,” said (Y/N). “Just let Maze stab him. I don’t need you get revenge for me.” They swallowed. “I just need my dad.”

            Lucifer took a step towards them.

            And then the doors broke down. Everyone flinched, and Dromos laughed as an army of demons stalked through the doors with various weapons. There were even more bodies being inhabited.

            Instantly, (Y/N) backed up towards their friends, their wings fluttered nervously and angrily. Lucifer’s eyes went to Dromos in anger and then back to (Y/N) protectively. The swarm overtook the whole room, grabbing Eve and Chloe.

            They reached for (Y/N) and their friends, and even as the shadows fought to grab them, several demons grabbed (Y/N)’s wings and pulled them down. Em sliced at many hurting (Y/N), but they were one demon against a swarm. And Marcel, Leon, Olive, and Noa’s inexperience fighting was forcing them to lash out as best they could.

            Even Maze and Amenadiel were being distracted and forced to just focus on fighting. Everyone was fighting for their lives as the swarm of demons just kept coming.

            Dromos laughed. “It’s amazing how many demon souls you can suss from a little church confessional.”

            “(Y/N)!” said Lucifer, trying to push through the demons to grab their hand. His kid was in danger. I’m coming, I’m coming. I’m going to protect you!

            He grabbed their hand, and they held on tightly. “Dad!” they cried in fear. “Dad, my friends—help them!”

            Even in the midst of so much danger, they were thinking of everyone else they cared about, not themselves. They were being selfless and willing to sacrifice themself for everyone else.

            Lucifer’s heart swelled with pride. And then he decided to make (Y/N) proud. He let go of (Y/N)’s hand and stepped up on the dais again.

            “Enough!” he shouted, his voice distorting into a boom of brimstone and fire.

            His devil wings expanded from his back, and his skin and face turned devilish as his anger and desire to feed fear into the demons around him flared to life. He was Lucifer the angel, but he was also the Devil. And he would be damned if those demons didn’t remember exactly who he was.

            Everyone stared in shock and froze. The demons tensed in fear as Lucifer glared out at them.

            “Now bow down to your king!” boomed Lucifer’s demonic voice.

            The demons let go of Lucifer’s friends and knelt. Em also kneeled in fear, but (Y/N) reached out for her hand. They wouldn’t have them kneel. So, Em stayed close by their side.

            Even Dromos knelt. He could see his king wouldn’t have mercy for anyone who didn’t obey. Not when they had already done so much to displease him.

            “You do not belong here,” said Lucifer. “Go home.”

            His voice carried the command to all the demons. Instantly, every body being possessed collapsed, limp and dead. The demons were gone. Lucifer’s body faded to its natural skin tone, and he took several deep breaths as he looked out over everyone still standing. To his relief, everyone was alright.

            “’Bout time they went to Hell,” muttered (Y/N) in exhaustion, and their wings folded away. They made eye-contact with Lucifer, and he broke it first. They frowned, knowing he obviously felt shame for having to show such a side of himself. “Da—” Lucifer’s wings unfurled, and he flapped them once. He was gone. “—d.” (Y/N) sighed.

            “Go,” said Em.

            “I should stay to make sure you guys are—”

            “We’re fine,” said Marcel.

            “A bit bruised,” said Leon. “And the shock is likely setting in.”

            “But we’re fine,” said Noa before Leon could continue.

            “Go to your Dad,” said Olive. “I know he was worried.”

            (Y/N) looked at them and smiled. “Thank you for coming. Really.”

            “Of course, Birdie,” said Em. “You’re our friend.” And more.

            (Y/N) smiled and squeezed her hand. “Thank you.” They ran out of the room. They might not have flying down yet, but they were going to their Dad all the same. All the biblical bullshit be damned.

Taglist:

@sammyscreencaps-13

@grippleback-galaxy-galaxy

@scarlettqueen190

@ziro-the-null-god

@sammy-13

@zeros-rot

@ceridwyn3

@technikerin23

@poetoflawed

@slytherinroyalty16

@ilse235

@theurbannoodle

@lookitseddie

[greatkittydream]

thank to @smokinferret for opiz idea

Jaune was surrounded by his friends and Team Rwby.

smokinotter: teams can be divided up in pairs of 2, 3 and 4 depending on the skill level of each member.

Ruby: hey Jaune why don't you ever talk about where you're from.

yang: come to think of it vomit boy you never do talk about that type of stuff. what's wrong Mama kick you out the nest earlier or something. yang said in a playful town.

jaune: well I just don't think it's that interesting I grew up in a smaller rural area that was comprised entirely of humans. there isn't much variation there, I just don't think I'm that interesting compared to you yang I mean you're a dragon for Pete's sake.

yang: fair I am pretty cool. she said pulling back her sleep and flexing her arm. but I still think you should have some cool stuff like don't your people typically tell stories.

Ruby: yeah, yeah I heard you people make stories where werewolves seem like the most badass and killable creatures ever that only the not only the most powerful and strongest of magic can harm tell us one of those.

Blake: I don't know why you want to hear one of those stories human stories typically revolve around monsters being violent and cruel by Nature. she said in the common area feet over couch reading a book forced to be in the conmen area.

jaune: already saying we're just going Ruby would rush to his defense saying he's a good human pariah would lead in saying she's half human and then the three would go out at talking about humans are getting better while Blake brought up the atrocities done And Atlas still hitting monsters for no reason. you know what there is this one story Mama but sing to me to sleep. in hindsight he should have kept his mouth shut because now Yang won't stop calling him a mama's boy.

yang: how do you go on vomit boy let's see what your mom was saying you to sleep with I'll have you know my mother was a dragon and they only tell the most gruesome stories that children.

jaune: well I guess I'll sing the song I don't know if he'll be anything like Your Dragon Tales though I can only imagine how scary those would be in order to scare a dragon.

jaune: "clearing throat noise"

Don't ever laugh as a hearse goes by

For you may be the next to die

They wrap you up in bloody sheets

To drop you six feet underneath

They put you in a pinewood box

And cover you up with dirt and rocks

It all goes well for about a week

And then, your coffin begins to leak

And the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out

The worms play pinochle on your snout

They eat your eyes, they eat your nose

As you begin to decompose

A slimy beetle with demon's eyes

Chews through your stomach and out your sides

Your stomach turns to rancid grease

And puss pours out like melted cheese

You spread it on a slice of bread

And that's what you'll eat when you're dead

And the worms crawl out, the worms crawl in

The ones that crawl in are lean and thin

The ones that crawl out are fat and stout

Your eyes fall in, and your hair falls out

Your brain turns into maggot pie

Your liver starts to liquify

And for the living, all is well

As you sink further into hell

And the flames rise up to drag you down

Into the fire, where you will drown

Your skin melts off as you descend

And Satan tears you limb from limb

Your suffering will never end

And the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out

They'll eat your guts and then shit them out

And when your bones begin to rot

The worms remain, but you do not

So don't ever laugh as a hearse goes by

For someday, you'll be the one to die

And when Death brings his cold despair

Ask yourself, "Will anyone care?

everyone else in the room: what the fuck was that.

______________________________________________________________

opiz pov: Miss Good Witch do you know why I brought you to my office.

Miss Good Witch: no but I have a feeling you're going to tell me.

opiz: miss good witch you have petitioned to have jaune expelled over 10 times and it has not even been a week, I understand you think I'm a fool for letting the boy after all you haven't seen anything he could potentially do and he's performed just below average. before you answer that question though Miss Goodrich let me ask you a question do you know what I am.

Miss Good Witch: you are a phoenix sir one of the five left in the world I fail to see how this pertains to the boy and yes I want him out of the school for his own safety he's not been Taught how to properly use his mana and he's in a school where people can be murdered without charge the because the people in the council refused to change even after hundreds of years of life the school forced to abides by the Old Law system. and he's a human many family still hold a grudge.

opiz: well let me put it like this that boy is very very special I could go through thousands of cycles and never get a chance like this again so with all due respect MS please hold any and all requests of expulsion of him.

______________________________________________________________

hi smokinotter here a little World building the council is Not Elected it is inherited and it is full of people hundreds if not thousands of years old because of this laws are slow to change and it's still under a monarchy system. hate generates hate, just as many humans hate monsters. There are monsters that hate humans for the simple fact of each other's existence.

@howlingday thank for the help with the ideas

[lumenflowered]

[A video file is attached. It appears from the surroundings that it is still being filmed within the Cerulean City Gym, though some of the lights are off, the pool is covered, and there is no sign of Misty. Instead, there are a couple of pool chairs pulled out. One is empty, and has Maria pacing behind it.

The other holds a (visibly sulking) Vera.

"To be entirely clear," Maria says, turning to the girl in question, "we are on the same side here. I know you stole something from Team Rocket. I need that something in order to root them out and determine what it is they are up to in the Power Plant."

"And if I tell you where I stashed it, you'll take it and leave me behind," Vera grumbles. "Why the Gym, anyway? Are you Misty's girlfriend or something?"

"To my understanding, she already has one of those. As I suppose, technically, do I." Maria pauses. "It's quieter here than the Pokémon Center, and Misty said it was fine by her so long as I locked up the place once I was done."

"That's—why'd she let you, though."

Maria hums to herself, weighing her options. "Because I am the new Champion of the Indigo League and technically her boss, I suppose."

"You. You what."

"I'd appreciate you not sharing that further, because as far as Team Rocket knows, the Champion is still Lance, and they almost certainly would take advantage of the transitional period if they knew that there was one to do so."

"I'm not a fucking snitch." Vera glares at the covered pool. "You're not the only one with a grudge against Team Rocket. You're taking them down. I want in. Don't ask me why."

"Very well." Maria leans on the back of her own pool chair, looking Vera up and down. "I have the strangest feeling that, if I turn you down, you will in all likelihood go after them on your own regardless."

"Yeah." Vera shifts her glare to Maria. "So if you want to be a hero or whatever, if you want to keep me safe, then take me with you."

Maria almost—almost—smiles. "You remind of someone else."

Vera visibly stiffens. If Maria notices it, she doesn't react. "Yeah?"

"He's close to your age, perhaps a little younger. He declared me to be his rival in battle shortly after I began to train Pokémon at all, a declaration that rather baffled me at first, until it occurred to me why."

"...Why."

"I'm honestly not certain whether anyone had ever been kind to him in his life, before that." Maria frowns deeply at her own words. "But everyone is worthy of kindness. Even those who believe they do not deserve such kindness. Especially those who believe they do not deserve it. He... looked up to me, for some strange reason, and this led to him attempting to take on Team Rocket on his own."

Vera makes a vague noise of acknowledgment, no longer looking at Maria, who seems to take this as a sign to continue.

"They nearly killed him, and he was younger than you." Maria's tone is sharper than some knives. "If I hadn't followed him, he would have died there. Team Rocket likely still believes him to be dead."

"Wait, they do?" Vera interrupts. "But you said nearly."

Maria breathes in. Breathes out. "They did kill him. His own father, he... he didn't hold back against his own kin. I rather doubt that Team Rocket would hold back against a stranger, either."

"Okay." Vera's voice sounds a little shaky. "Where are you going with this?"

"If you want us to do this together, then we are doing this together," Maria says, extending a hand. "Because it will be dangerous, I'm significantly less killable than the average human here for reasons that I will elaborate upon if you wish, and I don't want you—or anyone else—being hurt by them again."

Vera stares at her. At her extended hand.

At last, she mumbles, "Yeah, Ho-oh probably wouldn't bring me back again, would they."

Maria's brow furrows, though her hand remains where it is. "How did you...?"

"Know Ho-oh was involved?" Vera grins. It's a familiar expression, one Maria has seen before on another small child with red hair and a similar amount of inner rage. "I said that if I was dumb enough to be in Kanto, I wouldn't be using the name Silver. Unfortunately for both of us, I am actually that dumb."

Maria stares at her, mouth falling open.

From behind the camera, there are a series of very triumphant Gengar noises. To those capable of understanding the speech of Pokémon, they would hear Ade exclaiming, "I knew you looked familiar! I fucking knew it!"

But, of course, neither Maria nor Vera—Silver?—can understand the speech of Pokémon, and so Maria simply glances over with a faintly amused look in her eyes.

"Anyway. It was mostly my idea. Don't blame Ethan for it." Silver sucks in a breath. "And it's worked great so far. No one's recognized me. Not even you!"

"I am starting to think," Maria says mildly, "that I would not recognize my own face in the mirror if I did not know better."

"Okay. That would be really funny though... anyway. Um. While we're in Kanto, it'll probably be easier if you just... pretend I'm some girl? No connection to Silver at all."

Maria slowly nods, as Silver finally—finally—takes her offered hand.

"I can do that," Maria says.

The video ends.]

[bending-sickle]

Fuck, marry, kill

Dean, Castiel, Crowley

Also, your Crowley headcannons! I need more Crowley in my life

*softly* you're killing me, smalls

well i can't kill dean because he's unkillable (or extremely killable but for a limited time only) and i do not want to suffer the consequences.

...or do i?

okay look.

marry crowley. paperwork means something with him, which means i can get it in writing that i won't be [Insert Endless List of Horrible Fates]. plus, fucking all day every day in new and exciting ways. and not to play light of possession but imagine the possibilities. so many different suits to experiment with.

now with the other two it's more a question of "who would i rather hunt me down with single-minded revenge for killing their babe".

i mean, it should be that, but i'm getting distracted by who would be a better one-night-stand and i gotta say, dean wins that competition.

so we're killing cas, i guess, and hopefully i make it out alive once dean figures out what's happened. (or, oh god, sam.)

as for crowley headcanons:

the torture move that finally snapped his soul into demonhood was his jaw getting ripped right off. he doesn't like to think about. (he thinks about it.)

absolutely rampant but sublimated Hell Torture ptsd

because of this, he'll fuck any way there is left to fuck except any way that feels too close to being tied down to the rack in hell. not keen on being the bottom, not happy being underneath, and i think he'd rather swim through a thrice-blessed olympic swimming pool than be tied up.

which leads us to: control. he wants it. if he can't have it, then at least he doesn't want surprises, which works well, because he's good at reading people.

his coat: secret security blanket.

do not believe a single thing that comes out of his mouth when it comes to him, personally. i don't understand why the wiki fandom takes his offhand comments as gospel, like when he said he had dr phil on speed-dial, or had "athletic calves", or has been drinking Craig whiskey since gradeschool* as if a bastard, motherless boy abandoned to the workhouse would be in school.** he likes to play loose, to make quips, and to spout bullshit because it's fun.

and a forced headcanon because the show just fucking decided to make him scottish after he'd been on screen for over a season is that his english accent is deliberately put-upon because [Insert the entire history of England's oppression of Scotland and also the prejudice of local accents vs. Received Pronunciation english]. which also means, in my headcanon, he talks to his mother in his original scottish accent every time he loses a grip of his "I Am Crowley, King of Hell" persona. especially in the face of her own accent. because lots of people who have a Public Accent and a Home Accent shift like that, especially with family (e.g. john barrowman, american accent to most, scottish at home. watch him explain it - and accent switch - here) and it just makes sense, y'know? and when he's Seriously Going Through It, he'll slip back into it. (unlike, for some bizarre reason - and tell me it's not just me - the weird american accent creeping in during his "i deserve to be loved" scene. like, mark, wtf.)

okay i'll stop now.

* some people even tried to use this info as a basic for tracking down said whiskey which...doesn't exist

** which is not to say there weren't schools (which would be dominie since there was no parish) in canisbay in the mid 1600s but...my dude was not going to school and drinking whiskey. he was starving at a workhouse trying to rub two pennies together.

(can you tell i've been researching for a fic?)

[haldenlith]

More random thoughts, this time brought on by me working more on the Baldur's Gate timeskip campaign nonsense.

There's a lot of worldbuilding I'm doing, since it's set in Industrial Revolution era Faerun and, well, Baldur's Gate specifically, and Astarion is centered as the main NPC players would get their main quest and such from, meaning he needs a decent bit of worldbuilding, too. In that, part of me went "Hmm, am I making him too scheming and smart?"

And the conclusion I came to: No, I'm not. I like to headcanon that Astarion aged like... 700 (approx) would, at that point, have to have some fuckin wrinkles in that smooth ass brain of his.

Not to mention honestly, I see Spawnstarion being infinitely smarter and more dangerous than Ascendstarion.

Sure, Ascended he has raw power and a leg up physically (huzzah no more vampire drawbacks), but with going full evil, I imagine he's... honestly not much different than a vampire El Muskrat. I know, I just ruined a lot of fantasies by saying that. But seriously, he's just an abusive actual dumbass with way too much power, probably a sensitive ego, and will most likely want to be surrounded by yes-men. I mean, hell, this is an idiot cartoon villain that thinks he's so untouchable he can drink the liquid magma that is Karlach's blood.

Spawn Astarion? Seems to learn and grow, and has enough sense to listen to outside counsel, including when he doesn't necessarily agree with said advice. Hell, he's learned first hand that maybe other people are worth listening to, at least sometimes, because he's standing there a free and very alive vampire spawn, which he didn't think was possible prior to meeting Tav. And I like to imagine he keeps the capacity to learn and grow. Not being drunk on power (though probably a little drunk on freedom), and still being very killable would force him to have to learn to be shrewd, cautious, and strategic about everything.

So, yeah, I think I'm okay with my brain going "make that man a slippery businessman with more going on than meets the eye and totally working the turn-of-the-century system to his benefit." (Example: in this world I'm writing, he uses his newfound wealth via a different accidentally lucrative partnership to fund the building of a Temple of Sune in Baldur's Gate -- not because he gives a fuck about Sune, but because it's good PR for his image as a "totally just a slightly eccentric and rich high elf noble" and his perfume business...)

[bugflies00]

ok its time for my. traditional post-stream moment (well. post-vod considering the circumstances) where i try to condense all my thoughts into a singular post especially rn since i didn’t liveblog so people not watching don’t have to see it

dsmp spoilers obviously 

um. okay uh well first off im still crying, that should give you…? an idea of the effect this stream had on me…?

im still holding onto hope for this story to be about healing but if it ends grim and the only hope is ‘oooh volume II blank slate woo’ i don’t know what i’ll do with myself LOL (despair). but i’d like to think if wilbur didn’t kill off his character. i’d like to think tommy wouldn’t either. but like always in extremely tense dangerous points in the story before i’ve never believed they would die like i never thought cwilbur would die yknow. but i think. well this is the most scared ive been for lore since um well ever actually i think

first off. gonna try to avoid talking about dream as much as possible even his character.  just hope people aren’t gonna take the justifications he and cpunz give for the . Horribly Fucked Up shit theyre doing as valid and start running with ‘oooh cdream was in the right and the victim all along!!’ but who am i kidding they probably have already. ill admit i didn’t see the hydra-type plan coming, with one not being killable if the other’s alive so that was a twist

UMM lord that whole lava room scene was . indescribable levels of fucked up and dont get me started on how cdream managed to convince ctommy that all the shit and abuse he’s suffered (even up to doomsday) was HIS FAULT and we see that resurface not even an hour later when ctommy tells ctubbo every bad situation theyve had since the start of the server has been his fault. don’t get me started

when they broke character because tommy couldnt do the stunt of aiming the throw of the discs JDJZDJJDSJ appreciated the break of the tension it made everything worse after in comparison. even tommy said he was on the ‘verge of tears irl before that’

and then the nuke. we got SO SO CLOSE to an acknowledgment of the nuke plan. of c!rocketduo’s plan to kill ctommy. but honestly while we didn’t get it outwardly i’ll take ctommy hesitance and like. pause after ctubbo said cjack helped him & ctommy brought up the explosion near him as him putting together the pieces. ill pretend just for my own sake. SPEAKING OF ctommy now knows cranboo was the one who set up the explosions (under mind control obviously) that stuck him in the prison with cdream and got him killed!!! can this boy catch a break. well he’s dying tomorrow so i guess he’s getting a very long break (<- just cried for an hour at that prospect)

and then. ctommy setting up the plan to trade his life for everyone else’s.

okay so like we all saw it coming but Ummmmmmmm well still a punch to the gut. Ummmmmmm. Ummmmm dealing well with this info. also ctommy screaming at ctubbo to ‘stop being optimistic’ and ‘its over, theyve lost’ and how he needs to just do this and die and its the end. Hahahahhahaha disc war finale roles flipped amirite. now ctubbos desperately clinging onto an alternate solution and ctommys the one who’s so jaded, so desperate that he’s convinced he needs to die (and that he deserves to. let’s be real ctommy thinks he deserves to die because he believes he’s at fault for the shit he and the others have been through. and if he dies without anyone having fucking proved him wrong. well.)

and like in my mind this story has always been about healing, like i said. and i’d genuinely be surprised if tommy chose an absolutely grim ending for his character (dying for everyone, sure a hero’s death, but dying still thinking he’s at fault for it all. that’s not just tragic that’s unnecessary.) but yknow at this point

the part that got me the worst was the whole bit after they started walking away from the nuke site. like they started walking towards and on the prime path and talking about how it was the last time and Uhm wellllllllll yes so maybe i cried fuck off . like the LAST TIME do you realise this???? LAST TIME c!clingyduo walked the prime path. and when ctommy started talking about lmanberg. looking at the flag. ASKING CTUBBO THAT, AFTER HIS DEATH, THE FLAG BE PUT UP THERE TO FLY IN THE WIND. ASKING CTUBBO TO TELL EVERYONE, INCLUDING HIS SON AND HIS SON’S CHILDREN, THE STORIES OF THEM AND THE OTHERS AND LMANBERG. looking at the lmanberg pictures. sitting on the bench together but there’s no music anymore because the discs are gone but that’s alright, it’s so pretty, look at the sunset tommy isn’t it so pretty? yeah it is. i’m gonna die tomorrow tubbo

like its all always been about lmanberg because it was about them. and i know people are gonna run with cpunz’s ‘nations exclude those not part of it’ argument, but lmanberg was about the community. like ill never say this enough lmanberg was literally family like that’s what they were all fighting for or clinging onto or running away from . and it was their project and to cwilbur it was ctommy and they were all important but ctommy was the heart of it all. he gave everything for it, for them really. over and over and now he wants ctubbo to tell those stories after he’s gone because he plans to walk in tomorrow at eighteen years old in a place where he’s only known trauma and death, walk in there and lure his abuser and his partner and then take a nuke for everyone. youngest one on that server. and yeah they’re not kids anymore (according to them) but they are they’re fucking kids ctommy is so tragic i feel fucking ill

and now its past midnight meaning Today is. final ctommy stream ever. Um well it has not sinked in yet. two years and probably my favourite character of all time ending Today and most likely dying. brother i don’t know what i’ll do with myself if he dies im genuinely so embarrassingly attached to this character and the others and this story. and so much of it feels so hollow when they walk around the server and there’s no one. idk whatever happens tomorrow i’ll still be so fucking glad for this story no matter how fucked up some things have been recently and no matter how much wasted potential there was. this is disgustingly sappy but tbh you clicked ‘read more’ on this post like u signed up for this. anyway ctommy my shining star whatever happens tomorrow youve been the best ever🌟🌟🌟 my favourite little guy in the whole wide world literally a star

[spacefish370]

Dros' story

Hey guppies, I have got a new Fish food to feed you! And please if you have any comment, questions, or requests I am happy to answer!

Anyway enjoy my first chapter of my new story, and please help me come up with a name for it.

Hey, my names Dros and I know I am a robot and have an incredibly good-looking face, Not. It's a long and painful story that did not make me a hero or a villain, so I basically spit in that common and overused tropes face. Right now I am practicing with my band, Us drum players don't get enough love. As luck would have it, we have a show tomorrow, and we keep getting more and more people to play too, I guess in Gotham the word goes around fast. I am happy, of course, but I have to hide myself. Let's get real, we all hide our true face anyway, so what difference does it make? And thank the killable God that am an atheist and that they think my face is just some cool mask I made myself. Anyway, back to the jam session that I am killing it in right now. And now the songs over, great. “Looks like it's late”, the basic metal lead guitar and singer said…. Just kidding, his name is Fluffy,” let's pack it up for today.” And so, like the nice person I am, I helped clean up and packed my shit up. I said my goodbyes to my guys, girls, and nonbinary sibling in arms. I walked with them to the door, but since I live where we practice, so I don't go any farther.  The studio is owned by me. I am one of the last radio hosts in Gotham, but since it pays like ass, I hack and do IT on the side. The studio has two floors, downstairs is where the magic happens, and upstairs is where the studio room and radio equipment are. Neon lights are in every room and light everything in my domain but the bathroom, I don't use the bathroom, so what's the point? It's hard wood downstairs and carpet upstairs to lessen noise from footsteps while on air. I live in Gotham, so you bet your pale flat ass I got cameras in every corner of this place.

The last person leaves and I sigh in relief. I got to go shopping because I need a new charger and cat food for the strays outside. I get my bag and grabbed cheese and cringe skate board and ride my way to my fav convince store. The air is warm from the energy from the building and the sky is black, but the city lights keep everything alive. As I am getting closer, I see something move in the alleyway next to me. And like the white hoodie wearing robot I am, I go to check it out. Is that the red helmet fucker? He just parked his motorcycle and immediately started to climb that building to my left, without looking over to see my dumbass. The big shit didn't see me. That fucker broke my old stake board that was fresh as fuck. The red helmet fucker threw it at some purse snatcher instead of getting off his lazy as and catching him. My poor baby was broke in two! Suddenly a light bulb showed itself on my screen. You know what, I think I have some spray paint in my bag. Am going to tag his shit. I take my spray can out and began to work my magic. When am done, I put a clear coat on that shit and a finish coat. Good luck fucker, that shit is staying on. Well now that's done, I feel better. My child has been revenged. I then got on my cringe stake board and dipped. I made my way to Miss Jar’s store and walked in.” Dros, you better wipe your damn feet.” Miss Jar yelled from behind the counter.” Hello to you, too.” I said back.” have you been eating?” Miss Jar asked me.” yes, and thank you for caring.” I answered. “ Well someone has to, lord knows you don't.” she quipped back. “ I just need two things then am gone, and look the doors on my way out. I saw one of those mask wearing heroes on my way here.” I knew where everything was, so this would be quick. Furthermore, I got my shit and left after saying goodbye to my wannabe grand mama.  On my way home, I noticed the red helmet guy's bike was gone. I went inside and called it a night. 

  Then I woke up the next morning and bid my morning routine.” Man, I want coffee.” and because I am a slut for the shit, that's exactly I did. I got my shit to together and went to the closest and best coffee shop in town, Merry Ants. As I rode into the shop, I noticed the sad look on Marry’s face. “ Hey, what's wrong?” I asked the young woman. “ Dros! It's nice to see you. I am sorry but, … today is the last day that we are in business. That means this is the last time you can get coffee here,” Ant said with a sad smile on her face.” what? That's so sad! I love you guys!” I complained, displaying and frowny face on my screen. “ Well, here is your usual. Enjoy”, she told me. I grab my coffee and left. Just as I turned the corner, THE FUCKING BATMAN shoves me and spills my coffee all over my white hoodie. I have a show in a couple of hours. That was Ant’s coffee too :( .

It's okay, I will just get another one. I walked back to Merry Ant’s. “ Hey, marry? Am back! Some asshole spilled my coffee all over me.” I said, walking in to get another coffee. “ Am sorry there is no more coffee, after that superhero crashed into my store. I gave you the last thing we had.” she said.” What! That's why you have to close?” I asked. “ Yea, I don't have the money for new supplies or to fix the damage, and since I still owed payments on the building so the people I bought it off of want all the money owed up front…. Am sorry, am rambling.” she looked like she was about to cry. Oh no, I get stressed out when people cry. What the hell do I do? Am too anti-social for this! “It's okay, am a friend and that's what friends are for.” I said trying to pass this charisma skill check. “ Your hoodie! I can fix it for your show!” she stated wide-eyed. “ You really don't have too but please?” I asked, “It's easy, but it's a family secret I got from my mom!” she said to me. I pulled my hoodie off and gave it to her. She took it to the back and when she came back my hoodie was whiter than ever! “ Thank you so much and you're the best!” I said as I pulled on my hoodie and walked out the door. I made my way to miss jar’s store to get “breakfast” or at least that's what I tell her, but I really just want to talk. She is like a grandmother to me. She makes me behave. “ Good morning” I yelled at her.” I may be old, but I can still hear just fine, did you hear about Ants? Let me tell you! Someone's got to show those superheros and villains that us common folk will make them pay for the destruction and lives they ruin.” Miss Jar yells at me, but I don't take it to heart, she is old and going deaf.

But maybe she is right. Maybe it’s time for someone to make a none violent move movement to help the world.

[borathae]

↳ Index [Chapter 09 - Parasomnia]

Pairing: Namjoon x f.Reader 

Warnings: Smut, dom!Namjoon, kissing, fingering, finger sucking, public sex in a library, he is being a little bit pushy, confusion 

Wordcount: 7.1k

a/n: besties we are going down together

“Is this seat taken?”

You look up from your book, coming face to face with Kim Namjoon’s smiling face. His dark rimmed glasses are perched up on his nose and one single strand of his raven hair is hanging into his eyes.  

“Uhm…not really, but do you have to?”

He laughs, cocking his right eyebrow up in surprise.

“Did I do something to deserve such a cold shoulder?” he asks.

“I honestly don’t want to talk”, you say and look back into your book.

You can feel him looking at you and the dozens of books you had piled up on the table before you. You try to ignore it.

“Vampires”, he says, studying your features, “you struck me as a lover for the supernatural the moment my eyes fell on you.”

You close the book on East European folklore and look at him with an exasperated sigh.

“What do you want Namjoon? Did Taehyung send you?”

“Taehyung?” Namjoon chuckles. He takes off his brown leather bag and sits down on the chair beside you, turning to you, “why would he send me?”

“Because of what happened last week? Obviously.”

Namjoon reaches for a book and opens it. He skims through it mindlessly, making you grind your teeth in annoyance. If he messes up the little markings you put in there, you will personally end him. He drags his pointer finger over a line talking about the horrors of blood drinking, closing the book afterwards. He looks into your eyes.

“I have no idea what happened between you and him. I’m actually here to gather research material for the paper I am due to write next week”, he explains, lifting his notepad so you could see it.

You cringe, “god sorry, I should have figured. Sorry for snapping at you, I’m just a little moody lately.”

“It is already forgiven”, he assures you with a sweet smile, “may I ask what happened? I missed you in our Tuesday lecture today.”

You sigh and shrug your shoulders.

“I honestly have no idea. I was with Tae, you know?”

He nods his head.

“And then the next morning he was gone and left a note saying I should stay in his wing. But then I grew hungry so I went downstairs to get a snack. And I met Jimin in the kitchen and then he cut my hand with a knife.”

“Oh dear, really?” Namjoon gasps.

“Yes, I mean it was an accident I guess. And then he tried to lick my wound clean, which was honestly really weird, and then Tae ran in on us and became all angry and like yelled at me and sent me away.”

“No way. That is not at all like Taehyung.”

“Right?” you agree, “it confused me so much. The entire situation.”

“Understandable.”

He reaches for another book, but you stop him with a firm grip around his wrist. He cocks up an eyebrow in question.

“I’m not finished with that one yet”, you tell him, pulling it from his grasp to place it on your lap instead.

“My apologies, I didn’t mean to mess up your order”, he says and turns to the pile of marked books. He reaches for one and flips through it, “Creators…”

“Mhm?” you cock an eyebrow up at him.

“It is said that they are the ones who created the vampire species, hence the name”, Namjoon reads out of the book, “history says that around three millennia ago a group of friends was cursed by a sorcerer to insatiable hunger for blood. He made them immortal, and unlike with normal vampires not even removing their hearts could kill them. It was to ensure that they would never be able to escape their fate of spreading pain and misery on this earth.”

“Don’t read this, it doesn’t make sense”, you tell him and try to take the book from him.

But Namjoon continues reading, turning away slightly so the book was out of reach.

“There is another theory however and many believe it. It is said that they were in fact killable. It was said that a tree grew on the spot where the sorcerer consummated the curse and only a stake made out of its wood was able to kill them. It is said that one day, a group of brave warriors managed to lock all of them in a cave with magic and starve them to the point that they were too weak to fight back. Then they went in to pierce their hearts with the magical stakes.”

“Namjoon stop, I told you it’s stupid what I’m reading.”

“There is also the version of the story that they were all actually a family of bats which bit a person by accident and then turned them into a vampire. This story however is claimed to be the babbling of a drunken person” Namjoon finishes reading and closes the book.

He places it in its original place and turns to you.

“Are you working on a paper about the supernatural?”

“I’m…not actually”, you confess, cringing internally.

“Oh?” he closes the book and turns to you so your knees would be touching under the table, “so are you a believer?”

You laugh, shaking your head.

“No, not really just that…nevermind it’s silly.”

He tilts his head to the side in confusion.

“Please tell me”, Namjoon stresses, “I am sure you aren’t silly.”

For a moment you consider not telling him, but then you realised that he already found you caved up in the darkest corner of the library with dozens of books on the supernatural surrounding you. He couldn’t possibly think you any weirder if you told him.

“Okay, but first you have to promise me not to laugh at me”, you say and turn to look into his eyes.

“I promise”, he says, nodding his head.

“Okay so”, you take a deep breath, “do you know that feeling when you feel like sometimes you lose control over your own body?”

“Lose control?”

“Yes, as if someone else was controlling it for a moment while your consciousness is still trapped inside and is trying to escape. But it can’t, so you have to do what your body tells you to do whilst panicking inside. Do you know that feeling?”

Namjoon knits his brows, taking off his glasses to massage the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t say that I do, no”, he says, putting his glasses back on.

“Urgh”, you groan and exhale loudly, “because I’ve been feeling like this for weeks and I have no idea what is going on with me.”

You look at Namjoon when he doesn’t say anything. He seems lost in his thoughts as if your words made his brain work restlessly with possibilities. You scoot closer to him and open your notepad.

“I’ve been having these really weird occurrences happen to me lately. I do things I don’t want to do, find myself at places without any recollection of getting there, say things out loud I didn’t even know I wanted to say”, you push a hand scribbled list over to Namjoon, “and then there are these concerning blank spaces in my memory too. Here, I wrote all of them down.”

Namjoon takes the list and reads through it thoroughly.

“This does sound concerning indeed”, he murmurs, placing the list back down in front of you, “and you believe that this could have supernatural origins?”

“The logical part in my brain says no and that I’m an idiot for even thinking of it, but the dumb monkey part in my brain tells me that yes it could have supernatural origins. I mean – “, you scoot closer to Namjoon to whisper, “ – when Jimin cut my hand last week and tried to lick it clean, I’m pretty sure he bit me.”

Namjoon’s eyes widen before they start to race between yours rapidly.

“He bit you?” he gasps, looking over his shoulder in case someone had heard him, “are you certain?”

You take off the band aid on your palm, showing him the cut and the two puncture wounds above it.

“Tell me that these don’t look like bite marks to you.”

Namjoon takes your hand and inspects it with squinted eyes.

“I don’t know, they look like regular scratch marks to me.”

You pull your hand away, “don’t you dare start with this too. Taehyung said the same thing. They literally look like teeth marks, you can’t tell me differently.”

Namjoon lowers his eyes.

“Fine I must confess, they do look concerningly similar to bite marks", he agrees and scratches his chin, "perhaps he has sharp teeth?”

You click your tongue, reaching for a specific book and opening it on a specific page. The drawing of ‘a vampire’s anatomy’ looks back at you and Namjoon. There were red glowing eyes with Latin explanations scribbled next to them. And underneath a highly detailed drawing of vampire teeth showed the difference between their human counterparts.

“Do you see that?” you point at the long fangs, “that’s how sharp they have to be to leave marks like that. No human teeth are as sharp as that.”

“I have sharp canines”, he says and opens his mouth.

You inspect his surprisingly sharp canines, even going as far as to reach out and touch them. Your eyes meet.

“Uh sorry”, you pull your hand out of his mouth.

He closes his mouth, “don’t worry about it”, he assures you with a smile, “but you see? People can have sharp teeth.”

You groan and hide your face in the book.

“I knooow”, you whine, “and it shouldn’t even be an option, but ugh I just want to know what’s wrong with me.”

Namjoon reaches for another book, flipping through it and adding markings on a few pages when you aren’t looking. He places it in your bag, watching you wallow in self pity buried in the book you were currently skimming through.

“Tell me, are you and Taehyung an official couple?” he asks.

You raise your head with your brows furrowed.

“Why are you asking me this all of a sudden?”

“I am curious.”

“You really picked out the worst day to ask me that”, you mumble and lower your face back into the book.

“I apologize”, he looks at you from the corner of his eyes, “I assume that you aren’t anymore?”

You gnaw on your lower lip in contemplation, raising your head to sneak a glance at Namjoon before watching a group of students pass you by, they were whispering. You take a deep breath and release it through your mouth, sagging your shoulders.

“I don’t know what we are. Honestly I don’t even know if we ever were a couple in the first place or if I was a mere, fun diversion for him.”

“A diversion? Mhm I see”, Namjoon says and nods his head, “it wouldn’t be the first time”, he whispers.

“The first time?” you straighten up quickly, “what do you mean by that?”

He studies your features with his brows furrowed.

“Oh it’s nothing, you don’t want to know.”

“Okay, now you have to tell me. “

“It would only hurt you”, he says, shaking his head.

“Namjoon, you can’t start something and then backtrack. Tell me.”

He gives in with a sad sigh.

“Very well, if you really must know. Taehyung finds great enjoyment in female company and he does so often and in great masses.”

“Great masses? So you mean what we had was basically just another fuck to him?”

“Now, now these are your words, not mine.”

“But…he told me that he honours loyalty and that, that I make him happy.”

Namjoon frowns, scooting closer. He places his hand on your shoulder and squeezes gently.

“My deepest apologies ___, I really didn’t want to hurt you”, he says softly.

“No, uhm”, you turn away, “it’s not your fault, I wanted to know”, you murmur sadly.

You study the book on vampire anatomy before closing it harshly. You begin gathering all the other books, opening them on the pages you had marked and ripping out said markings. What were you even doing here? You are wasting your time on silly things. It is hopeless after all.

You reach the book through which you had skimmed, reaching for it but being stopped by his long fingers around your wrist. He pulls your hand closer to his torso.

“If there is anything I can do to make this easier for you”, he offers, caressing your knuckles, “perhaps you need a shoulder to cry on? A ready ear to listen? A soul to sit with in silence?”

“No uhm”, you send him a forced smile, “it’s fine, really. Thank you. “

“Are you sure? Because I feel terrible for telling you about Taehyung’s real intentions”, he says with his eyes filled with embarrassment.

“I’m…sure…”

Namjoon fixes his posture and presses his notepad to his chest. He lets go of your hand.

“Either way, I don’t want to keep you any longer”, he says and stands up, “I will be upstairs, looking for books on the human mind.”

He shoulders his bag and gives you a bow of his head.

“It was nice talking to you ___”, he says, taking a step back.

You watch him leave, finding it peculiar how quickly he is going to walk away again after literally ruining your hopes for a reignited future with Taehyung. It makes you wonder if there was more behind his words, an evil scheme to get you to hate Taehyung perhaps. Truly, for only a second you wondered if that could be true.

“Wait!” you call out and get to your feet.

Namjoon twists around, watching you jog up to him.

“Can I come with you?”

“Of course, it would be my honour”, he says and smiles.

“Great, that’s great.”

The upstairs library is almost empty at this time of the day as most of the students are either in their lectures or at home working on their papers. You pass by one single boy, reading through a book of mathematic formulas with his forehead creased in concentration, and then you already cross the corner into the psychology section.

Namjoon’s steps are silent, just as Taehyung’s steps always are.

“What are you looking for Namjoon?” you ask him.

“I am currently working on a thesis about the human mind and how stress can change it. I am trying to find this one particular book about said topic.”

“Huh”, you fall silent, fumbling with the straps of your backbag as you feel yourself get lost in your thoughts.

“Do you perhaps know which book I am talking about?” he asks you, making you look at him.

“Huh? No, uhm no. I was just…”, you zone out on the psychology books in front of you, “…thinking.”

Namjoon steps closer and touches your arm.

“Are you feeling alright?”

You shiver and look at him, realising as you blink and feel your eyes tear up that you had forgotten to blink in minutes.

“Yes I-I’m fine I was just thinking for a moment.”

“Thinking about what if I may ask?”

“Just what you said, about the human mind and it changing under stress”, you take a step closer, “do you think something like this is possible?”

“Of course it is, there are dozens of studies about it. Why? Are you considering writing a thesis about it as well?”

“No, it’s not…that”, you drift off and fall silent.

You begin looking through the dozens and dozens of books, looking for something but having no idea what exactly you are looking for. Maybe an answer. A logical answer to all the questions you were having. Why you were feeling so dizzy all the time, why your mind blacked out when you tried to remember certain days, why your body acted against your will in some moments, why you felt like you were gradually losing your mind. Perhaps you could find your answers here in those hundreds of books instead of silly ghost stories, perhaps there is one that finally has everything you were looking for.

He had followed you with his forehead showing great worry.

“Is this about the things happening to you?” he asks.

You pull out a book on Schizophrenia, flipping through it.

“They have to have an explanation. And we both know that freaking vampires are highly unlikely”, you say, placing the book back where you had gotten it from, “so my answers must be in the human sciences.”

“Have you talked to a professional already?”

“No, of course not”, you laugh, “how should I even start something like this? Hey Misses Psychologist, I feel like someone else is controlling my body as if I’m their little puppet? I’d feel completely silly saying that.”

Namjoon takes a book on sleep and dreams, flipping through it until he lands on one specific page.

“Well, then at least tell me when such occurrences happen. Is it during the day or at night?”, he turns the book so you could look at the page he chose, “perhaps you suffer from parasomnia without even realising that you do.”

“No it’s not sleepwalking. It’s just randomly throughout the day. Most of the times when I talk to…talk to uhm…talk to…to…talk…”

When exactly does it happen? Who are you talking to when it does? Or are you even talking to someone in the first place?

“I, I suddenly can’t seem to remember”, you murmur, “holy crap, I literally can’t remember.”

“Huh, peculiar”, Namjoon says and places the book back on the shelf, “peculiar indeed.”

“Namjoon, do you know now what I mean? It’s literally deleted from my brain, like it never happened. Am I going insane?” you ask, prancing from left to right nervously.

“Hey, calm down. Calm down”, he says, stopping you by placing his hands on your shoulders, “calm down, breathe.”

You take a deep breath with him and then another and another.

“That’s better”, he says and exhales with you, “how are you feeling now?”

“B-better I guess”, you stutter, shivering with your whole body, “urgh Namjoon, I literally feel like I’m going crazy. I’m normally always so sharp, but now I constantly feel all hazy.”

“Do you know about FTD?”

“Frontotemporal Dementia?” you gasp, “what? But that – no, just…no”, you shake your head.

“It could be a possibility.”

You laugh dryly, shaking him off.

“Nono, you just want to scare me”, you say and turn to walk away.

This can’t be it. You would have noticed sooner and the symptoms would be different too. This doesn’t feel like you imagine it to feel like. This is different. It’s different. It must be.

“I apologize if I scared you”, Namjoon had caught up with you, wrapping his fingers around your wrist, “come now. Don’t run away, I am trying to help.”

“Then don’t start off with the worst possibility out there”, you say and send him an icy glare.

“I’m sorry”, he says, bowing his head in apology, “it was just an idea, I wasn’t saying that you had it.”

You stop, “urgh I know”, you whine, “I’m sorry, I was a little rude right now. I’m just slowly losing my mind from not knowing what is going on. On top of actually losing my mind. So yeah, I’m losing my mind.”

Namjoon chuckles.

“It seems like you are losing your mind”, he jokes, earning himself a nudge to his chest.

“You are not helping”, you hiss.

Namjoon places his hand over yours and laughs softly. You look into his eyes, frowning for only a second before you break into laughter too.

“Gosh”, you laugh, “I’m literally going to cry, this is driving me insane.”

“Hey now, don’t cry I’m here now”, he says softly and drapes his arm around your shoulders, “we will figure this out together.”

You look up at him. He is so close that you can smell his aftershave. Cedarwood. It suits him.

“Thank you Namjoon, that’s really sweet of you”, you whisper, gazing at his dark brown eyes for a little too long, “you know, I thought you were a complete snob, but you are actually really sweet.”

His deep chuckle vibrates in his chest, you can feel it against your arm.

“Many people think like that. I think it’s the hair.”

“I think it’s the way you give yourself and also the clothes too.”

He chuckles.

“Do you have something against my clothes?”

“Not at all, they just look a little intimidating.”

His eyes crinkle up in a laugh, his voice bouncing off the shelves like a sweet song of amusement.

“Oh ___, you are adorable”, he says, pulling your closer until you can practically feel his body heat creep into your muscles.

You feel your cheeks heat up and your heart flutter. He is so close that you slowly get the feeling that he wants to kiss you. So you turn your head away and clear your throat.

“Uhm, uh sorry I was staring”, you say, wiggling out of his hold.

“I didn’t mind”, he assures you, peeking at you over the brim of his glasses.

You look away again, shaking your head to get rid of the heat on your cheeks.

“Either way, uhm”, you pause to cough, “what book are you looking for?”

“Don’t worry about it, I already found it back there”, he says and points over his shoulder.

“Are you not going to get it?”

“Later.”

He steps closer. You take a step back.

“What are you doing?”

He closes the distance between you and him, pushes you against a bookshelf and kisses you deeply. You squeak, eyes opened widely and throat constricted in shock. You couldn’t escape even if you tried to, he is towering over you, caging you in with his toned body and strong grip. He is so into this kiss with his eyes squeezed closed and his chest vibrating in a guttural moan, plumb lips dancing with yours desperately. You whimper, closing your eyes as looking at him felt too flabbergasted to do. You still don’t know if you actually wanted this and you still don’t know once he pulls away. You just know that your lips are tingling in the memory of his kiss and you feel lightheaded and breathless.

“Why did you do that?” you whisper.

“Because I couldn’t resist”, he rasps, minty breath fanning over your face. His hands are propped against the bookshelf above your head, the smell of his aftershave became stronger.

“But – you don’t even know me.”

“I’ve talked with you enough to know that your mind has enchanted me.”

“My mind?” you laugh nervously.

“I mean that you are so smart and witty that it does things to my body.”

You feel heat kiss your cheeks again.

“You think I’m smart?”

“Very”, he rasps.

“And that’s sexy to you?”

“Yes, very.”

You giggle, averting your gaze to the floor. He tilts your head up with his pointer finger under your chin.

“Don’t turn away from me, please let me see that pretty smile”, he whispers.

“Stop it.”

“Why?” he asks in a chuckle.

“Because you are flustering me.”

"Why is that bad?" 

"I, I don’t know."

“Adorable”, he says, drawing closer.

You giggle, lowering your head, “Namjoon don’t”, you whisper.

Namjoon stares at your lips with half-lidded eyes, smirking lazily.

“Please ___, just one more kiss”, he rasps, drawing closer again.

Truly, your heart is racing unbearably. You look into his eyes then at his lips. They are so tempting, so plumb and pouty. Namjoon leans closer, stopping just milimeters away form your lips.

“One more, beautiful”, his minty breath is tickling your lips, “pretty please?”

You are truly a goner at this point. Namjoon is such an attractive man and he wants to kiss you. This feels so wrong and yet you feel your ever fibre aching for it.

“Yes”, you whisper.

He acts the moment he has your consent. He kisses you deeply, tasting your gasp. Your eyes are closed in an instant, brows furrowed and fingers grasping the front of his turtleneck. Your neck is strained from having to tilt your head up to reach him. Namjoon steps even closer, adding more strain to your neck, cradling you in his strong arms. He adds tongue to the kiss, licking over your lips until you allow him entrance. Oh how hungrily he explores your mouth, showing you just by the way his tongue dances with yours that trying to take control would be fruitless for you.

He moans deeply and rolls his hips into you. Holy fuck. He’s is completely hard. How much power do you have over him? You haven’t even kissed for more than five minutes.

“Fuck, beautiful”, he breaks the kiss, chuckling lazily, “do feel that? That’s how much I craved you ever since I opened that cursed door for you.”

“Are you serious?” you gasp. He had wanted you ever since your first day here?

He nods his head, staring at your lips obsessively.

“Touch it.”

“What?”

“Feel how hard you make me”, he rasps.

You blame it in his devilishly handsome face, but your hand travels down to his crotch and palms his hardened cock. You would not have done this three months ago when you first walked through that threshold with Namjoon by your side, but you became so brazen these days that cupping a man’s cock in the middle of the library sounds like a good idea in your thirsty mind.

“Fuck baby”, Namjoon groans, eyelids fluttering. He chases your touch with eager rolls of his hips, drawing closer until he has your neck under his lips.

You shudder, tilting your head back. Namjoon’s deep grunts ring in your ears, your skin tingles where he drags his teeth down your neck. It tickles so much, your heart is doing somersaults in your chest.

“Can I touch you too?” he whispers, “please, please?” he adds and sucks on your most sensitive spot.

“Ah! Yes!” you exclaim, shivering.

His touch is instant, as if he just asked for your consent. He touches your shoulder first, dragging his hand down your body until he has your clothed breast in his palm. You feel the sensation all the way down to your toes. You gasp, arching into his touch for more, but too late. Namjoon’s hand has already travelled further down your body, opening the button of your jeans. Your muscles tense, a gasped moan leaving your lips. He soaks it up hungrily, smirking darkly as his fingers disappear inside your jeans, now playing with the hem of your panties. God, it makes you feel so shy. You picked out the ugliest panties to wear today.

He breaks away, keeping his lips close enough that they would ghost over yours as he speaks.

“Do you want me?” he asks.

“I want you”, you answer him before your brain could even process his question. And it is true, you want him so much that your knees are shaking. Truly, you became such a brazen woman.

“Good”, he rasps, slipping his hand inside your panties to drag his fingers through your folds.

You tense and gasp, back of your head hitting the shelf as you flinch away in surprise. Your hand falls from his cock, grasping his hip instead. He draws closer, letting two of his fingers disappear inside of you as his thumb begins rolling circles on your clit. It burns as he slips inside, making you mewl.

“Relax”, he rasps, leaning down to kiss your neck, “you’re so tight, it’s going to hurt if you keep clenching like that”, he whispers, carrying a certain teasing tone in his voice.

“Y-your fingers are so t-thick”, you whine, basking in his neck kisses while at the same time feeling like he might rip you apart.

“Hush, it’s okay. Relax”, he breathes, nibbling on your earlobe, “it will get easier.”

“B-but it’s too m-much.”

“Sssh it’s okay”, he silences you with a kiss.

You whimper, squeezing your eyes shut. You push at his chest, making him stumble.

“Please slow down”, you plead.

“Does it hurt?”

You nod your head, lower lip trembling.

“Then let’s try one, alright?” he says softly and slips one of his fingers out. He curls the one still inside, rolling figures of eight on your clit at the same time, “how does that feel?”

“B-better”, you stutter, gasping for air.

“There we go beautiful. You’re a good girl aren’t you?” he rasps, curling his long finger inside of you.

“Ah”, you gasp, grasping the hair at the nape of his neck.

Namjoon lets you pull him closer, lowering his eyes seductively.

“I know you are. Always looking so pretty, always smelling so nice, always being so tempting. You’re such a good, good girl.”

He presses the flat of his palm against your clit, grinding it against you smoothly. You gasp and shiver, twisting his hair.

“I-I can’t”, you stutter.

“What?”

“I-it’s too much”, you stutter and moan, “ah Namjoon”, you sigh, arching into him.

Namjoon smiles darkly, “oh beautiful. How else should I stretch you out so you can take my cock?” he asks, curling his finger, “I have to prepare you, your little body wouldn’t be able to handle me otherwise”, he says with a cocky smirk in his voice.

His words make your knees wobble, his touch steals your ability to answer him.

“W-what? Here? B-but people…” you pant.

“You just have to be quiet”, he draws closer, “I know you can do this for me.”

“But…Taehyung”, you choke out.

Namjoon halts his movements, your mind clears for enough seconds for you to realise what you had just said.

“Why are you mentioning him when I am the one giving you pleasure?” he hisses.

Your eyes meet. They are darker than before, carrying jealousy.

“I’m dating Taehyung”, you whisper.

“Oh? So now you want to feel guilty? When you are soaking my fingers while your heart is racing in your chest?”

You swallow nervously.

“H-how do you know that my heart is racing?” you force out.

“Doesn’t matter”, he dismisses you, moving his fingers again, “concentrate on the pleasure I give you.”

You gasp, arching into him with your eyelids fluttering. Whatever the fuck just happened to your body in the time you were speaking to him you feel like you might literally fall apart.

“What, what is this?” you gasp, writhing in his arms. You are almost ripping his hair out, it feels like you have wet yourself just from how much arousal has suddenly collected in your pants.

“This”, he slips a second finger inside and fingers you quickly, “is what I can give to you if you just stop thinking about pathetic, little Taehyung for one second”, he growls, rolling his thumb on your clit with such force your knees actually give up on you.

“Oh god! Yes!” you exclaim, twitching uncontrollably.

“There we go, I knew you couldn’t resist me. Nobody can”, he challenges, kissing your neck sloppily, “you’re mine now.”

“Yours…”

“Yes, exactly little one. Mine.”

He slips his fingers free, sticking them into his mouth instead. He sucks harshly, eyes rolling to the back of his head in pleasure. You are gawking at him, feeling at a loss of words.

You just wanted answers to your questions. Answers to why Taehyung would only see you as a quick fuck. Answers to why your body is doing things against your control, just like right now. You are so wet, so fucking wet that it is literally soaking your panties and it confuses you so much. Why are you so wet? Why are you literally shaking in the desire to feel Namjoon’s fingers again? Why are so out of breath from pleasure when you know that your body needs a lot more to feel that breathless? You know your body, your needs, the way it likes to be touched and yet right now your knees are weak and your core aches for a touch of Namjoon. How is he that good?

He pulls them free, moaning sinfully. His plumb lips curl into a dark smirk, his long tongue darts out to wet his lips.

“Fucking shit, you’re so sweet”, he says, voice deep and raspy. He almost sounds like you imagine a hungry demon to sound like. He swallows heavily and you swallow right with him.

He lowers his head, eyes locking with yours. But you don’t notice his eye contact, staring at his teeth with your heartbeat speeding up. Are you going insane or have they grown?

“Look at me”, he orders and your body obeys, “there we go, beautiful.”

He grabs the back of your neck, smearing his spit all over your skin. You squeak, knees wobbling as the sensation of his touch shoots through your veins like electricity.

“Now turn around and bend over”, he orders, doing the work for you.

You part your legs for him on instinct, quivering when you can feel his cock rub against your ass.

“So arched for me”, he observes, “you are such an obedient little pet.”

He tugs on your jeans in an attempt to undress you, making you gasp.

“So pretty”, he chuckles, “gosh ___, I can’t wait to have you bared for me.”

He reaches to the front and lets his hand slip inside your jeans to draw circles on your clit. You gasp, shivering uncontrollably. You have to bite down on the tip of your tongue in order not to scream. Why are you so fucking sensitive? What is happening?

“That’s it, you are doing so well. You know that I can only fuck you once you are nice and relaxed”, he leans closer, “we don’t want it to hurt, do we?” he teases.

“No”, you mewl, shaking your head vigorously while chasing his touch with a needy roll of your hips.

“Of course not. So relax for me, I won’t hurt you.”

“N-Namjoon I don’t know about this”, you confess, “what if someone sees us?”

“Nobody is here, don’t worry”, he assures you.

He tugs on your jeans again, managing to slip them halfway down your butt. You mewl and dig your nails into the wood of the bookshelf.

“So pretty, gosh ___. Do you want me to eat you out for a while?”

“I, I don’t know”, you choke out.

“Or can you relax for me? Let me undress you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well what do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fine, then I will try again”, he says, tugging on your jeans a third time.

You squeeze your eyes shut.

“Excuse me! What the hell do you think you are doing? This is a public library!”

Namjoon is gone from your body in an instant.

“Good Sir, you must have picked out the worst time to run in on me”, Namjoon says with a dark chuckle.

“I think the timing was perfect. How dare you do such awful, disgusting deeds in….” the voice of the librarian drowns out behind you.

You acted quickly, pulling your pants back up and running down the hallways until you could see the exit. You bumped shoulders with a girl as you ran, finding no time to apologize as you kept on running and running.

This is so embarrassing, you are literally going to die in a hole now. This is exactly what you didn’t want to happen. Now you will never be able to show yourself in this library ever again. Oh god what have you done? Why are you so stupid? You never should have said yes. This was such an idiotic idea.

“Hey! ___!”

You run faster, down the stairs. Quick, quick, quick.

“Don’t run away!”

You can’t face him. Not anymore. You are way too embarrassed. Not only did you almost allow him to see you naked from the waist down, but he is the reason you are in this predicament in the first place. You don’t want to see him.

Namjoon waits for you at the end of the stairs, making you collide with his chest.

“Holy shit!” you scream, making everyone in the hallway look at you.

Namjoon catches you before you could fall.

“Careful.”

“How the fuck did you get here?! You were behind me!”

“I wasn’t, you just didn’t see me pass you”, he says.

“See you pass me”, you repeat, feeling dizzy in your head, “you passed me.”

“Exactly”, he smiles, “now tell me, how are you feeling?”

You shudder.

“God damn it Namjoon”, you whine, hitting his chest softly, “I told you that this is a bad idea. Now we can never go back there.”

Namjoon chuckles.

“Don’t worry, I fixed it”, he assures you, “he won’t remember a thing.”

“He – Namjoon he ran in on you waving your dick around.”

Whispering and gawking. People are staring at you as they walk by, whispering to each other. You feel your cheeks heat up most ardently.

“Come on, let’s go outside. Fewer people”, Namjoon says, intertwining his fingers with yours.

“No, I don't want to hold your hand. You idiot embarrassed me so much”, you whine.

Namjoon chuckles and drapes his arm around your shoulder instead.

“Very well, then let’s hold each other like that instead.”

You groan, “fine.”

Namjoon leads you outside in silence. You squint your eyes as you walk, needing it to concentrate better. You are pretty sure that you are not supposed to be so clingy with him. You can’t remember a time before today that you were that clingy with him and yet the more you try to remember if this was true, the more it feels like you and him had been lovers for ages. This would explain why he tried to love you in the library or why you felt so giddy while he was doing it. But then. Did you really feel giddy? Why does it feel like you didn’t? You can’t remember.

“So”, Namjoon turns you to him, “now it’s just you and I. How are you feeling?”

“Weird and dizzy”, you confess.

“It must be the shock. Don’t worry, he won’t remember a thing.”

“How? Joonie, he ran in on us wanting to make love.”

“I know my beloved, but I fixed it”, he steps closer, “like always.”

“Like always”, you smile, “gosh Joonie you always know what to do.”

“I know”, he smiles and kisses you.

You gasp, wanting to wrap your arms around his neck. You stop before you could. No! You break away, stumbling back.

“Holy shit no!” you blurt out, pressing your hands over your mouth, “what the actual hell just happened?”

Namjoon tilts his head to the side.

“You tried to kiss me and then panicked”, he explains, “don’t worry I wouldn’t have minded.”

“I tried to kiss you?”

“Yes.”

“Urgh I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me today”, you sigh, sinking down on one of the many benches.

He sits down next to you, placing his hand on your knee.

“Hey it’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Okay but first you have to promise me not to laugh at me”, you say and turn to look into his eyes.

“I promise”, he says, nodding his head.

“Okay so”, you take a deep breath, “do you know that feeling when you feel like sometimes you lose control over your own body?”

“Lose control?”

“Yes, as if someone else was controlling it for a moment while your consciousness is still trapped inside and is trying to escape. But it can’t, so you have to do what your body tells you to do whilst panicking inside. Do you know that feeling?”

Namjoon knits his brows, taking off his glasses to massage the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t say that I do, no.”

“Urgh”, you groan and exhale loudly, “because I’ve been feeling like this for weeks and I have no idea what is going on with me.”

You look at Namjoon when he doesn’t say anything. He seems lost in his thoughts as if your words made his brain work restlessly with possibilities. You scoot closer to him and open your notepad.

“I’ve been having these really weird occurrences happen to me lately. I do things I don’t want to do, find myself at places without any recollection of getting there, say things out loud I didn’t even know I wanted to say”, you pull out a hand scribbled list and hand it to Namjoon, “and then there are these concerning blank spaces in my memory too. Here I wrote –“

You feel your blood freeze in your veins.

“What is it?”

“We, we had this conversation already.”

He laughs, tilting his head to the side.

“No we didn’t.”

“Yes we did! When, when we were in the library a-and you asked me if I was okay. I, I – “, you gag in panic, “holy shit what is happening to me?”

Namjoon rubs circles on your back.

“Have you tried waking up?”

“Waking up?”

Namjoon opens his mouth and screams. You cower away, covering your ears at the intensity of his scream.

You gasp, sitting up harshly. His screams have morphed into the beeping of your alarm clock. You slam your hand on it and fall down with a groan.

Another dream?

You rub your eyes, realising that you had been crying.

“What’s wrong with me lately?” you choke out.

You are so sure that this wasn’t a dream. It was too real to be a dream. Everything was too real. You can remember walking to the university with your shoulders sagging because you felt sad from your fight with Taehyung. You can remember eating lunch with the boys of Sanguis and trying to distract yourself by laughing with them. You can remember missing out on your Tuesday Latin lecture because you remembered the fight with Taehyung and felt too sad to attend the lecture. You remember reading books on vampires and then…. your head aches so badly that you actually groan and sit up.

“Holy fuck”, you choke out, almost throwing up at the pain.

It stops as soon as you stop trying to remember what happened after you read the books on vampires. You breathe out in relief, fixing your posture.

Perhaps you were actually dreaming all of it. If you weren’t dreaming then you would be able to remember the rest of your day. It must have been a really vivid dream, nothing more. It was still Tuesday and you were still running terribly late for your study date with Namjoon.

You roll out of bed and hurry to the bathroom.

Yes, you need to get ready for your study date with Namjoon. You promised to see him in the library today.

You leave after eating breakfast, not once looking at your clock which displays the time next to a clearly written Wednesday.

[narcoticwriter]

The Unsung Electro Gigachad of Genshin Impact (Also Known As: Beidou Mains Come Get Y’all’s Agenda Post)

Introduction:

You’re probably wondering what has caused me to ponder this question and I’ll be honest with you, it started with a shitpost. 

Rawfler is a pretty funny guy who makes funny Genshin memes, some high-quality Genshin Impact character shitposts, and showcases that present the potential that they can reach given the right artifacts, weapons, and constellations all in one quick 4-5 minute Youtube videos. They’re typically titled ‘[Character].exe’ and I’ve watched all of them multiple times because I find them entertaining. The link to his channel is where his name is mentioned. 

That context aside, I was called to the attention of a certain character that (as a four-star no less) was absolutely badass. It didn’t help that they were mentioned so much in the ‘Diluc Harem AU’ (crackery) that I did a little bit of reading up on them. This character that I am discussing today does not get the appreciation they deserve because, if utilized correctly, is absolutely devastating to an almost broken effect.

This character? None other than Beidou.

This entire post can be summarized as this quote that’s thrown about everywhere in this fanbase: 

There are no bad characters. Only bad players.

And bold of you to assume that this analysis is only going to apply to the killable things in Genshin Impact and not the vast majority of the characters themselves.

So folks, we’re diving yet again into the absolute madladery that is the Captain of the Crux. Hold on tight, because it gets wild.

(Spoilers for Beidou’s story quest underneath the cut because I may be out of pocket, but I’m not yet out of line. TL;DR is also at the end of this post.)

Character, Story, & Lore:

SPOILERS FOR BEIDOU HANGOUT AND BACKSTORY

You can’t say you weren’t warned.

. . .

Genshin Impact has a chronic case of MOD, also known as ‘Making Orphans Disease’ and I’m afraid it’s gone too far for any cure to be effective. Every playable character better get their affairs in order and Beidou is no exception to this.

She didn’t really have anyone as a child. Fought dying dogs for scraps of food in a backwater village in Liyue. She was called ‘Beidou’ but didn’t really know what it meant. At least not until the village elder who took her in died and the village was plagued with the ailments that type of village would suffer regardless of if he was dead or alive.

It’s not really said how she ended up with her crew and the Crux in Liyue Harbor, but she had made quite the name for herself. But the defining moment of her story lies in an encounter with Haishan.

It could almost be seen as a nod from nature itself that her dream of slaying Haishan with a single blow to the neck would be placed within her reach. After days of arduous fighting in her fleet with her crew, she dealt that fatal blow, Haishan’s head flying off as the stump of his neck was sliced clean and true. Then as she stood, drenched in the blood of that beast, her prize, an Electro Vision, was granted to her.

A long way from being a starving little girl, fighting for half a rice ball in the dirt with a dog that clung just as desperately to life as she did.

To put it simply, Beidou came from the dregs of the barrel and clawed her way to the top; doing that takes a willingness to do whatever it takes not only get there, but protect what she had gained along the way.

. . .

It’s likely very romantic or philosophically stupid of me to make the connections, but I find that the character themselves can often be reflected in their statistics and base setup, so this time, I’ve decided to start with her proper introduction.

I’ve decided to use character, story, and lore as to highlight factors in how they would conduct themselves and how they would fight. I see it as particularly influential as to the outcome of these theoretical circumstances.

Notes & Disclaimers:

Firstly, the sources and information that I will use for this post are the Genshin Impact Wiki page for Beidou, the ‘Genshin Impact BEIDOU.EXE’ video by Rawfler, and the Beidou Guide by ZΛNTO on the Keqing Mains website. Without them, collecting this information would be much harder and I would have to do more math on top of analysis, so thank them for cutting the length of this document in half.

Secondly, as per last post, there’s a lot of numbers and terminology incoming, so I will try to explain it well. It’ll mostly be percentages and base numbers we have to work with. Again, in terms of the system that the wiki has at this present moment, some of these statistics may have been adjusted, so pardon if the numbers seem off for the current version of the game at the time of this post being published.

In terms of buffs, this will be a bit different, as I will include all constellations, specialty weapons, and artifacts at the highest level possible. The numbers and enhancements being brought into this are to ensure that we hit the maximum level that is possible for Beidou as a Main DPS that focuses on any type of Attack Damage for the purposes of this analysis. 

Also, as a side note, I won’t be adding a basic synopsis as I already have the link to it in the beginning of this section.

With that out of the way, let’s jump into some stats.

Gameplay Statistics:

For the sake of this analysis, the damage economy of Genshin Impact gameplay is highly important, so for the sake of it, I will post it here again. The damage economy is calculated in this order:

Attack - the base attack damage from the character and the weapon of the character (including all of their skills, buffs from weapons, and all that good stuff) Talent Scaling - the combat talents and passive talents that enhance the character’s respective combative abilities Damage Bonus - the types of damage (plunging, charged, etc.) and their respective bonuses per according to the character Critical Hit - randomized and influenced by the critical rate Defense (on target) - reduces damage per according to their base defense Resistances (on target) - reduces damage per according to their elemental and physical attributes Elemental Reactions - the way that the element(s) being used will react to the element(s) it comes into contact with

(This is actually important now)

The most important statistics for this analysis are Attack Damage (ATK), Critical Hit Rate (CRIT Rate), Critical Hit Damage (CRIT DMG), and Elemental Damage ([Element] DMG). However, there is also a special attention to health points and Elemental Reactions, as they are affected by Beidou’s talent scaling and Elemental Mastery respectively.

Blink twice if you need help. Your eyes have to be hurting already.

Attack damage is the damage they deal with their hits, critical hit rate is how often they land a critical hit and the critical damage itself deals 50% more damage than a typical one in terms of the flat rate.

Elemental damage essentially inflicts the damage of a respective element onto a creature hit with an Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst while also giving it that status effect for a certain amount of time. 

I feel like health points are self-explanatory, but if not, it’s how many points a character can lose before hitting zero and being rendered null. Elemental Mastery is the reactions of elements being inflicted in a certain order as to incur higher elemental damage (bonuses being 1.5 and 2 times as much respective to elements and order, more can be found here).

Now that we know this, we can now take a look at Beidou’s flat statistics.

Base Character Statistics:

Without any account for weaponry, special attributes, or artifacts, the base statistics for Beidou at the highest level possible (Level 90) are as follows:

Health Points: 13,050 Attack: 225 Defense: 648 Critical Hit Rate: 5% Special Stat: Electro Damage Bonus of 24%

So, the first thing you notice immediately is how much health she has in comparison to her base defense and base attack. Over 13,000 health is nothing to laugh at, but her other stats don’t give an indication as to why she would need it. That is, until you look at her attacks and her Electro Damage Bonus, telling you that whenever Beidou uses her Elemental Skill or Elemental Burst, she is automatically doing more damage than most other characters without a similar set. 

This leads me to believe that her health points have some correlation with her skill and burst. 

Combat Talents and Passive Talents:

Yet again, I feel the need to break down the basis of this subject because it is expansive and in dire need of summary. Feel free to skip this if you’re familiar.

Combat Talents consist of four things: Normal Attacks, Elemental Skills, Alternate Sprint, and Elemental Bursts. Normal Attacks come into three types: Normal Attack, Charged Attack, and Plunge Attack, each with their own respective effects. Normal Attacks are consecutive blows, Charged Attacks typically include either Elemental Damage or increased Physical Damage, and the Plunge Attack occur from mid-air and typically cause an ‘Area of Effect’ (AoE).

The ‘Alternate Sprint’ skill doesn’t include Beidou, so it won’t be mentioned here.

Beidou’s Combat Talents are as follows:

Special Base Skill: N/A (I looked and I think it only applies to five stars, correct me if I’m wrong) Normal Attack: Oceanborne (Five consecutive strikes); continuous strikes using stamina, ending with a final slash; normal plunge attacks Elemental Skill: Tidecaller  Press: Swings an lightning-infused attack, dealing Electro Damage Hold: Lifts weapon up as a shield, the maximum damage that is absorbed scales off maximum health points; the attacks using the energy stored within the greatsword upon willing release or once the duration expires, dealing Electro Damage, the said damage scaling with the number of times the character is attacked in the skill's duration. The greatest Damage Bonus will be attained once this effect is triggered twice (hit her twice while holding).  Shield: Has 250% Electro Damage Absorption Efficiency; applies the Electro element upon activation Elemental Burst: Stormbreaker Thunderbeast’s Targe: When Normal and Charged Attacks hit, they create a lightning discharge that jump between opponents, dealing additional Electro Damage while also decreasing damage and increasing resistance to interruptions (of hitting things) to the character (considered AoE)

That skill is really damn impressive for a Meliodas kinnie joking joking please don’t kill me

So you can say that my analysis so far has lead me to believe that Elemental Bursts were typically more of a final move, but Beidou’s build is unique in the way her Elemental Burst complements, if not intensifies, the importance of her Elemental Skill. This, combined with her Electro Damage Bonus, makes her capable of one-shotting some smaller opponents. Mind you, we haven’t started taking passive talents into consideration yet, let alone constellations, weapons, or artifacts.

Passive Talents typically improve upon the Combat Talents of the respective character in question. The Utility Passives are not to be taken into account for the reasons that they have no reason being in a comparison for the true Electro Archon.

Her Passive Talents are as follows:

1st Ascendant Passive: Counterattacking with Tidecaller at the precise moment when the character is hit grants the maximum DMG Bonus (getting rid of the need to use Tidecaller twice). 4th Ascendant Passive: Gain the following effects for ten seconds after using Tidecaller (Elemental Skill) with its maximum damage bonus: The damage dealt by Normal and Charged Attacks, along with the attack speed of Normal and Charged Attacks, is increased by 15% while also greatly reducing delay before unleashing Charged Attacks

Beidou Mains scare me, but Beidou whales scare me more.

Remember, we haven’t even covered any buffs we can get with the weapons, constellations, and artifacts yet. So with the information above, we can now start to establish the most powerful Main DPS Beidou build possible.

Constellations:

Constellations serve as buffs making already powerful skills all that more deadly for those on the receiving end of them while also enhancing the capabilities of the character themselves.

Beidou’s respective constellations and their effects are as follows:

Sea Beast's Scourge: When Elemental Burst is used, creates a shield that absorbs up to 16% of maximum health for fifteen seconds (this shield also absorbs Electro Damage 250% more effectively) Upon the Turbulent Sea, the Thunder Arises: Elemental Burst’s arc lightning can jump to two additional targets Summoner of Storm: Increases the Level of Elemental Skill by three, the maximum upgrade level being 15 Stunning Revenge: Upon being attacked, Normal Attacks gain an additional instance of 20% Electro Damage for ten seconds Crimson Tidewalker: Increases the Level of Elemental Burst by three, the maximum upgrade level being 15 Bane of Evil: During the duration of the Elemental Burst, the Electro Resistance of surrounding opponents is decreased by 15%

Do I scream from the rooftops that all of this shit is just maximum character stats without any artifacts or is this too much? Because anyone who goes up against her is in for a world of pain.

This is where I get to have proper fun because of the extensive Beidou build guide I mentioned earlier. From this point forward, about 80% of everything I’m referencing is from there.

Artifacts:

So uh, artifacts. What are they? How do they work? The link is here. For the sake of this analysis, however, I’ll do a crash course:

Artifacts are objects that you can get to enhance certain character stats

Each artifact has a main stat, with up to four sub stats or secondary stats

There are five types of artifacts: the Flower of Life, the Plume of Death, the Sands of Eon, the Goblet of Eonothem, and the Circlet of Logos

The Flower of Life and the Plume of Death come with only one main stat, the others are fair game

You can get sets of artifacts (belong to the same kind with around the same effects i.e. Berserker’s set) 

So based on this and what a Main DPS Beidou is ideally, the main stats should be a Circlet focused on CRIT Rate/CRIT Damage, a Sands focused on more Attack percentages, and a Goblet focused on Electro Damage. Any sub stats should primarily focus on Energy Restoration before going into higher CRIT Rate, Attack Damage, and Attack Percentages.

There are two ideal sets of artifacts for Beidou per according to the Beidou guide, the said sets being:

Thundering Fury (2) / Noblesse Oblige (2) / Gladiator’s Triumph (2)

Emblem of Severed Fate (4)

Both of these sets have a heavy emphasis on increasing attack damage in general for Beidou, who has sub-par Physical Attack Damage at best. However the first one has a slight advantage as there would be more sub stats and effects to gain buffs from rather than the full set of four of the same. 

Why am I still here? Just to suffer? Or squeeze the dopamine from my neurons? Or to prove a point? Yes. Just, yes.

Anyways, this is not going to be calculated until we have the ideal weapon for our ascending Electro Archon, and there’s only one truly iconic and effective greatsword that will fit such a completely goated full-counter enthusiast:

Diluc, hand it the fuck over.

Weapons:

As heavily implied by the previous sentence, the refined Wolf’s Gravestone (unbuffed and unbothered) is the number one choice for Beidou. I don’t know how she’ll get it, but she’ll find a way. However, if you don’t happen to have one in your inventory somewhere, you can always completely refine a Serpent’s Spine (with five stacks of passives to boot). 

Wolf’s Gravestone -

Attack: 608 Second Stat Type: Attack Second Stat: 49.6% Wolfish Tracker: Increases Attack by 40%

Serpent Spine -

Attack: 510 Second Stat Type: Critical Hit Rate Second Stat: 27.6% Wavesplitter: Every 4s a character is on the field, they will deal 10% more DMG and take 2% more Damage; the maximum stack being five

The numbers I’m about to show you are the causation of being unbuffed externally and using the 2/2/2 set earlier, as there will be no Bennetts buffing Beidou to even more ridiculous damages.

These numbers are calculated based on the damage economy, the artifacts, and the weapons themselves and if you say they aren’t believable, I only have one thing to say to you:

Eula did over seven million damage in-game once.

So the math doesn’t lie when it states that the Spine pales slightly in comparison to the Gravestone, the damage of an refined Gravestone compared to a five-stacked, and refined Spine having a 29,720.14 point difference. 

In case you’re wondering, the totals were 621,563.87 and 591,843.73 respectively.

However, the 2/2/2 set is ideal for a low-energy cost Beidou build, so if I put them both with the 4-EoSF set (made for higher energy cost), I would get different numbers from the unbuffed refined Gravestone and refined five-stacked Spine. 

They do come in at a massive gap of 93,238.42 points with the totals of 572,547.43 and 479,309.01 respectively.

Regardless, anything hit with that devastating critical in whatever build is dead. Period. Unless they have a shield. Not that Stormbreaker would let it do that much to the unshielded ones around them.

Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: who’s getting clowned by Beidou?

Well, you’re going to have to wait a little while longer.

TL;DR:

Beidou is a high defense stat away from becoming the Noelle of the Electro element and her full counter is living proof.

Concluding Thoughts + An Announcement:

You can find the in the next post that I will release because if I put it all here, I would have over 5000 words on this post and that’s too much logistics and numbers to have at once. 

Splitting it into a showcase/fight is easier on me as I am not under as much of the self-induced pressure that I put on myself to be as accurate as possible. Taking it slow will be good for everyone involved as I have lowkey started to ignore life around me ehe other things I need to do and would like to do.

I also want to sleep, but that’s already been axed by the chopping block.

So, you will all be getting the Beidou showdown that you most certainly deserve at a later date. 

Until then, toss some investment to your Beidou, as this was supposed to be a Beidou agenda post to begin with lmao.

----

The sole requested tag: @qu-ilinn​

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[manonblaqkbeak]

Friendship Rekindled

Hello, back for Day 10--single parents. This is the second part of a mini series during canon week. this is continuing off from Day 1--desperately in love. there’s going to be two more parts and i cant wait to get them out there!

i think this could be considered a little angsty, given some of the conversation topics that happen.

cw: brief mention of death and blood loss. mention of an abusive parent. (if i miss any, pls dont hesitate to let me know!)

enjoy! :)

2.9k words (my longest fic yet i believe)

It was nice to be finally out of the house, Aelin decided as she walked up to the nursery, her five month old daughter, Olive, strapped to her chest. After being cooped up for what felt like the last five months, Aelin had decided to liven up her apartment with some plants.

Hardy, un-killable plants, that is. Being a single mother didn't leave her much time to look after other things, so she needed some plants that required minimal water, but also had to be pretty to look at.

It was also a plus that there was a cafe attached to the nursery, and she heard that they served the best scones with homemade strawberry jam and cream in Orynth. All her life she had never come here, but she needed somewhere new to visit. And to reacquaint herself with her home town. Not long after Rowan and Lyria's wedding, Aelin had transferred to Rifthold for work, and had used the miles apart to quietly disappear from their lives.

That was four years ago now, and come back home to be closer to her parents. Aelin had never known her grandparents, and Aelin didn't want to deny her parents the privilege of knowing Olive, so she had transferred back just before she went on maternity leave. Aelin was happy to be back, especially since she hadn't seen Rowan or Lyria. The last she heard was from Elide, who got it from Lorcan, that a year after marriage, they were expecting. She was happy for them, she truly was, but that didn't stop the stab of pain she felt when she heard the news. She had dreamt of her being in Lyria's position for a few weeks after she heard the news, but forced herself to stop. To move on.

Aelin had, in a way. She would always love Rowan, but she needed to move on. It was wrong to consider her daughter a distraction, but she did provide the perfect one. Aelin briefly removed her lemon printed bucket-hat (Aelin wore a matching one) to kiss her head, her golden hair sparse, laughing her perfect baby laugh.

Aelin finally entered the nursery, tugging her nappy bag higher on her shoulder as she took in the hundreds of plants. She had no idea where to start, but started her browse. She slowly walked through the fern section, stopping every now and then to let Olive touch one, making the cute hand grabbing motion when she saw one she liked.

Aelin heard the laughter of a young child behind her, and then a deep and familiar one accompany it.

Aelin froze. It couldn't be. Surely the Gods weren't that cruel. Months she had been here, for the first time in ages she had decided to do something for herself, only to be met by that damned laughter.

Slowly she turned, her sandals making the gravel underneath crunch. She saw a flash of silver and a broad body.

Turning around had been a mistake, because when she did, so did the silver-haired man.

And for the first time in four years, turquoise eyes landed on pine-green ones.

Rowan blinked, and then blinked again as he took her in. His eyes widened as he noticed Olive strapped to her body, her face on display as she took in her surroundings. Her baby had the chocolate brown eyes of her father, but it was clear to anyone that knew Aelin that Olive was hers. Her daughter had Aelin's nose and hair colour, and would likely grow to have more of Aelin's features as the years went by.

Behind Rowan, his cousin Enda was holding the hand of a brown-haired boy. It was difficult to tell his exact age, but he looked to be about three. If Rowan was here with his son, then it was a good chance that Lyria would be here, too. The woman was a flower enthusiast, and was practically a walking encyclopedia when it came to flowers. Any questions anyone had, they went to Lyria.

Aelin really did not want to be here. Did not want to have that conversation of why the hell she had left and dropped all communication with them after the wedding.

Aelin hated it, but she adverted her gaze and started to leave. She would have to come here another day—maybe after she called the office to make sure that there was no silver-haired man in attendance.

“Aelin,” Rowan said, his voice raspy from surprise. Gods, she missed his deep voice and the rolling purr of his accent.

Aelin pretended that she didn't hear and made a beeline for the exit. Rowan called her again, and then a third time. Just as she reached the gate, his warm hand landed on her shoulder gently. His hands were still calloused, his hands always doing some type of manual labour work. She wondered briefly if he was still an auto mechanic.

Turning around, Aelin noted the shock in his dark eyes. She gave him a weak smile, not sure what to say.

“What are you—I mean, how are you? Where have you been?”

“I'm good,” Aelin answered after a moment, not really sure how else to respond. “I've been around. What about you?” Somehow, these questions didn't feel like the right ones to ask. Before Rowan could say anything, Olive made herself known, making grunting sounds that meant she wanted attention, so Aelin kissed her hand and said to Rowan, “This is Olive.”

Rowan's eyes dropped down to Olive. “Is she yours?”

Aelin snorted, a sound she hadn't made in so long. It was something she often did around Rowan—or used to, that is. “No, I bought her from the store. Yes, she's mine.”

Rowan's eyes dropped lower, to her ring finger—her empty ring finger. There had never been a ring there. Aelin's traitorous eyes drifted to Rowan's and her heart stopped when she noticed that his ring finger was bare as well—that there was no tan line to suggest that he had only recently removed it.

“I'm doing this on my own,” Aelin found herself saying after a moment.

“As am I,” Rowan said. Aelin cocked her head to the side, annoyed at herself for being curious. “Lyria...Lyria passed away three years ago.”

Aelin's heart shot up to her throat, choking her. Years ago, Aelin had horribly wished that the ring Rowan had purchased was secretly for her and was heartbroken when it wasn't.  In her loneliest moments, she had wished that Rowan and Lyria would break up and somehow find his way to her in Rifthold; but never, never-ever in a million years would she ever have wanted this to happen.

Why the hell hadn't Elide told her? Or anyone else for that matter?

Aelin found her voice after long minutes of just staring at him, processing his words. “Rowan, I am so rutting sorry. I had no idea. Are you...are you okay?”

“I have my good and bad days”. He pointed to the brown-haired boy with Enda, who were both busy inspecting each leaf and flower petal in front of them. “That's Egan, he's a plant lover like his mother.”

Aelin couldn't really see him, but she still said, “He's adorable.”

“He is, and a little terror,” Rowan said, a small smile on his tanned face. After a moment, he turned back to her, and asked, “Are you...doing anything? I'd like to talk, it's been a long time since we have.”

She should say no, but she ended up saying yes.

Taking a deep breath, she followed Rowan back inside the nursery and to the cafe.

X X X X X X

It was turning out to be an ordinary Saturday when Rowan had needed to get out of the house, so he asked Egan if he wanted to go to the nursery and his son had enthusiastically agreed, asking if Uncle Enda could join them. Thankfully, his cousin was free and more than happy to spend time with his nephew.

Never in a million years did he think he would run into Aelin. He had heard the rumours that she transferred back to the publishing house and that was it; there was no mention of her being pregnant. But when Rowan looked up and spotted Aelin, and his eyes immediately dropped to the baby strapped to her chest, his heart had stopped.

He had once wished to have that life with Aelin, exploring the world with their child, one that had Aelin's hair and his eyes; but Rowan never told Aelin how he felt because he knew how badly her last relationship ended, and he didn't want to put any unnecessary stress on her if she didn't feel the same way. Didn't want there to be any chance to ruin their friendship.

And so, he had moved on. Had started dating Lyria and came to love her, but not the same way as he loved Aelin. And when Rowan proposed, he had only done it because his parents were getting older and wanted him to get married, wanted him to have a grandchild.

It was cruel irony that they had both died before Lyria had even given birth.

He was bastard, and he hated himself. Lyria was kind, sweet and gentle—and deserved someone better than him, should have been with a man that truly wanted to marry her for her and not because of family pressures. But he never stopped himself from their relationship moving forward.

But he was doing better, thanks to therapy, because while he may have been a bastard, he didn't want his son to know that. Maybe it made him a bastard to hide this part of himself to his son, but his son was gentle like his mother and Rowan loathed the idea of Egan growing up to hate him.

And as Rowan asked Enda to take Egan home, Rowan could see that Enda thought that this lunch was a bad idea—Rowan had confessed his secrets to his cousin long ago, how he loved Aelin even when he was married to Lyria. How he had wanted that life with her instead.

Rowan knew that he was going to be on the end of a scolding conversation when he got back to his house, but he told Enda that it was going to be okay and that he was fine and could handle this.

Enda sighed heavily through his nose and muttered a 'good luck' under his breath. Rowan planted a kiss of Egan's head and told him that he would be home soon. His son was too excited to spend time with his Uncle to really notice.

When Rowan returned to Aelin's side, they soon found a nice spot in the cafe that was away from others.

It was...painfully awkward for a good while. They only spoke to order their food—scones with jam and cream with a side dish of seasonal fruits for Aelin, and a steak sandwich with fries for Rowan—and then lapsed back into silence.

They ate in silence, too, and Rowan wondered if maybe this was a tremendously bad idea when Aelin said, softly but not weakly, “What happened to Lyria?”

Taking a deep breath, Rowan swirled his fries in the mustard on his plate. He hated this part. “She passed away not long after giving birth. She hemorrhaged and bleed out too quickly for anything to be done. Egan never really got to meet her.”

“I'm sorry,” Aelin said, doing her best to speak over the lump in her throat, “that's horrible. I'm so sorry.”

Years later and Rowan still never really knew what to say to that. Needing to distract himself, he asked, “So, what's your story?”

Before she could say anything, Olive started crying, and without a seconds hesitation, Aelin started feeding her. Some people stared in disapproval and Aelin stared right back, unflinching. He knew that if someone said something, she would spit back. It never made sense to Rowan how people frowned upon breastfeeding. A small smile made its way to Rowan's mouth at the steely look in her stunning eyes. That was the Aelin he knew and loved.

When the strangers turned back around, Aelin looked back at him, the steel in her eyes softening. “I briefly dated my high school boyfriend, Sam, for a while back in Rifthold, and well...the condom broke and Olive made her appearance.” Not the most elegant way to describe the situation, but Aelin figured she had years to think of a better way to explain Olive's appearance if her daughter ever asked.

“And he wants no part of it?” He had no right to ask, but the question left his mouth before he could stop it.

Aelin sighed, and finished feeding Olive and cleaning themselves up before responding. “It's complicated...Sam's father, Arobynn, is a cruel man. He's manipulative and sadistic, but knows how to turn on the charm when it suits him. Sam has been scared of him his entire life, and didn't want Olive to know the fear that he did. So, every month Sam sends money, but he's not on the birth certificate—he doesn't want there to be any paper trails leading to Olive's existence. I had to convince him that it was safer to transfer me the money than to send it through the mail. I send him pictures from time to time, but whether he saves them, I have no idea.” Not to mention the miserable length of the conversation of sending money electronically. Sam was so damned paranoid that Arobynn checked his accounts that Aelin had almost told him not to bother to send anything when he relented. Aelin could provide Olive well enough on her own, but it was helpful to have that extra bit of cash—baby things were expensive as hell.

Aelin bit her lip. She hadn't meant to divulge that much, no one knew that, not even her best friends,  but she didn't regret it. It felt...like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

“That's awful, Aelin, I'm sorry to hear that.”

“I just...” She probably shouldn't ask, but out of everyone she knew, none of them were single parents. “Has Egan ever asked about his mother? What do you say to that?”

“He's asked a few times, and I've told him that she passed away when he was little, but I don't think he fully understands what I'm talking about.” Those conversations were the hardest that he ever had to go through, and he knew it would be worst when Egan grew and fully understood what death meant.

“I have no idea what I'll tell Olive when she's older and asks about her dad,” Aelin admitted. “It's not like he's gone, but he is absent and I just...what if she grows up to think he hates her? I think that would kill me if she ever thought that.”

Without thinking, Rowan reached over and too her hand in his. Her hand was soft in his, and he swiped his thumb against her knuckles. “You have a good few years to worry about that. Who knows,” he added, “maybe Sam will be able to get out from his father's shadows and you three can be a family.”

A small smile made its way to Aelin's face. She was more beautiful then he remembered, and he wasn't sure if he should feel guilty for thinking that.

“I like the sound of that, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'd like to think that I can do this on my own.”

“You can, but if you'd like...if you ever need help with something, if you need someone to look after Olive, I could do that for you.”

Silver lined Aelin's eyes as she watched him. “Are you sure? I wouldn't want to intrude.”

“That's what friends are for, aren't they? To help?” And as a single parent himself, he knew how hard it could be raising a child in this hectic world.

Aelin's smile grew. “Okay, I'll keep that in mind. And if we're friends, could you help me find some plants? I'm sick of looking at my boring walls.”

“Okay, I know the perfect ones for you to get—ones that are practically impossible to kill.”

“I'm going to ignore that implication that I can't look after a plant.” Although it was true.

Rowan snorted. “Because you can't. I remember that poor aloe Vera plant that you slaughtered.”

Aelin narrowed her eyes, but he could see just a hint of mirth behind the glare. “I did not slaughter that plant, it just didn't like me!”

Rowan laughed and it was the most freeing sound he made in a long time. After he calmed down, he said, “Come on, let's finish here and I'll help you to liven up your place.”

“Fine, but I better not hear anything about my poor gardening skills or I'll let down your tires.” And she would, he knew, but Rowan just smiled even more.

“It's a deal.”

The conversation moved much more smoothly and Rowan realised how much he missed her. And Aelin realised how much she missed him, too.

Maybe things wouldn't be too bad after-all. It would be nice to have Rowan in her life again, even as a friend, even if she still loved him and knew it could never be, not after everything.

[princess-of-the-corner]

HEY WE TALKING ABOUT OMNIVERSE HATE. I agree with everything the other post said but my main complaints are

1. Retconning Time travel to be like Harry Potter

2. Giving Ben complete control over Alien X

3. Making Ben litterally unkillable

4. Kai/Ben

5. Big Chill's design

In no particular order

Okay my opinions on these from what I know:

1.) Haha I didn't care for HP's Time Travel anyway like. Nah fam give me my alternate Timelines instead of "oh my future self did this in the past so I can do it now!". Idk much about the Time Travel in this series but yeah.

2.) From what I've heard on Alien X, I have mixed feelings on it. If the species starts as a single person and splits into a multiple personality later, then someone like Ben who wouldn't have developed that second personality, shouldn't suddenly gain one. On the other hand, that species is supposedly op as fuck if it weren't for the split personality. So again, mixed feelings. But it is a retcon and they should stick with what they started.

3.) Yeah nah you should be able to kill him. It should be difficult because he's overpowered as shit but he should be killable.

4.) Hahaha.... Yeah...... Look I am generous with Kai when I write her even though. Ya know. The relationship was super toxic and ended in tragedy in that Timeline, and I'm working on her becoming better in the Main Timeline. But uh. When that's me being "generous"..... It's a problem my dudes! Especially because if I remember correctly Ben did have a girlfriend that most people loved? I think her name is Julie? Something like that. But yeah I heard they broke up and then Ben and Kai got strangled by the red string.

5.) Oof. Well it's not unusual to gain weight after having kids lmao. Jokes aside while I am here for the chonk this is a downgrade

6.) I know you only had five but the last one remined me uh. I hate Omniverse!Gwen's design. Like, I already didn't like her look in AF/UA(to clean and proper when she used to be a feral gremlin child) but they did my girl dirty so much.

[nanoland]

Ponder on the Narrow House

fandom: Lucifer

main characters: Mazikeen, Eve, Michael

pairings: Mazikeen/Eve/Michael 

summary: In which Mazikeen isn't finished with Michael yet. 

warnings: Violence, gun violence, trauma, dehumanization, outdoor sex. 

0 

In 2019, Fodor’s had crowned LAX the worst airport on Planet Earth, comparing it – much to Mazikeen’s amusement – to Dante Alighieri’s Hell.

She couldn’t comment on the comparison’s accuracy; she’d never read Divina Comedia. Human poetry bored her.

Up against the real thing, however? Hell was quieter, cleaner, and smelt better than Los Angeles International, and it wasn’t even close.

Granted, Mazikeen was biased. Hell was her home and she liked it quite a lot. But surely even a human – even an angel – would sooner take a stint in one of Lucifer’s loops than spend more than thirty minutes in Terminal 3.

Yet there he was, leaning against the wall, watching the bustling crowd with a faint smile on his face, like a man in the park resting his eyes on the ducks. Perfectly content.

“Do you know,” he said as she approached him, “that around forty percent of all humans are scared of flying?” 

She hadn’t been sure how this encounter would go and, being innately practical, had dressed accordingly. Black satin skirt, flattering and loose enough to both conceal several demon daggers (invisible to the full-body scanner she’d just sauntered through) and not impede her reaction time in a fight. Red silk wrap blouse, easily unwrapped to serve as a garrotte or tourniquet. Hair down, curled, dyed pitch black with bronze-gold streaks – possibly a tactical disadvantage if he grabbed it, but possibly a distraction. She knew he liked her hair.

When she was satisfied he wasn’t about to lunge for her throat, she took a gamble and moved in to lean against the wall alongside him, following his gaze. “Not surprising. Think of it from their perspective. They don’t have wings. Actually – huh. I guess that’s a perspective you can sympathise with now.”

He sneered. “You’re trying to bait me, Miss Mazikeen. That’s cute. But I’m not in the mood, dollface. This? This is me time. I’ve had a shitty few days and I came here specifically to soak up these idiot mortals’ fear and chill out. Get lost. Go play with my twin if you’re so starved for entertainment.”

Mazikeen stretched. “That’s the problem. He’s hanging out with the rest of your lousy family. Gabriel. Raziel. Jophiel. Now that he’s in charge, they’re all trying to crawl up his ass. It’s pathetic. And annoying.”

His jaw clenched and she knew exactly what he was thinking: ‘That should have been me.’

“Also,” she added, after a pause, “they don’t like me. Most of them have never met a demon. There’s no outright hostility but… they talk to me like I’m some gross exotic pet Lucifer found and adopted.”

“They’re afraid of you.”

“Bullshit.”

“Nope. I’m wrong about some things. Never about fear. They can tell how much you matter to him, how much he’d do for you and vis versa, and it scares them shitless. Chloe Decker they can understand – she was Dad’s gift, after all. You, though? Lucy was never supposed to love you. No one was.”

She fiddled with her earring; big, gold, shaped like a swallow with rubies dotting its tail feathers. A gift from Eve. “Whatever. Anyway, that’s why I’m here. With you. Instead of them. You’re the worst, most obnoxious, most cowardly creep ever. I mean it. Christ, do you suck. But you always talked to me like I was a person. Right from the beginning.”

Ugliness flared behind his eyes. “Seriously? Now you’re being nice? Lucifer sent his general to console me? Ha! That’s how pitiful he thinks I am?”

“Pfft – no. Lucifer doesn’t give a crap about you. I’m here because I wanna offer you a job, moron.”

“A… job.”

“Yep. Ever heard of ‘bounty-hunting’?”

He nodded. Slowly. Smirking, she pushed off the wall and twirled on her six-inch heels to face him.

“Here’s the thing, o Angel of Dread; I’ve spent centuries in Hell learning how to terrify people. I look at you and you know what I see? Potential. Sure, you’re rough around the edges. Still got some celestial baby fat clinging to you. Still a little squeamish when it comes to certain tricks of the trade. But Mikey, honey, six months under my tutelage and I think we can turn you into a bona fide fucking nightmare.”

She let the skin on her face’s left side melt away and grinned at him. “So? How about it?”

“Eh,” he said after taking one last glance around the terminal. “Fuck it. Why not? Nothing better to do.” 

0 

“Los Angeles is kinda like me,” Mazikeen told him, taking off her red-lensed cat-eye sunglasses as she strutted down the pier.

“Doesn’t have a soul?”

A withering glare. “Tough. Pretty on the outside, mean on the inside. It’s easy to make enemies around here and when you’ve made ‘em, you need to stay on your toes. Stay nimble. Stay mobile. Ready to fight or flee at any moment.”

Michael nodded. “And that’s how you justify living on a tugboat.”

“Ahoy!” called Eve, standing on the deck in a polka dot bikini and pirate hat Mazikeen had presumably stolen for her off the set of some summer blockbuster or other being shot nearby, the salty breeze playing with her hair.

“It’s a yacht,” Mazikeen growled.

“No. That’s a yacht,” Michael replied, pointing to the gleaming white MCY 70 Skylounge docked nearby. “What you have is a glorified raft that can, at best, accommodate two people and maybe a toaster.”

He should, perhaps, be trying harder to ingratiate himself with his new boss.

But he was tired.

Getting in his face, she snapped, “Hey! That’s our headquarters, asshole. Show some respect.”

“It’s covered in seagull crap. It looks older than me. There’s a very obvious bloodstain on the helm. Jesus, doesn’t Lucifer pay you?”

She pushed him into the sea.

Offering him a hand when he bobbed to the surface, Eve said, “Don’t take it personally. She’s just mad because we weren’t able to steal a bigger one.”

0 

It was while Michael was towelling himself dry down below decks that the chunky-faced cop wandered in, took one look at him, and strode across the room.

“Mister Espinoza,” he drawled, “what can I-… oh. Oh, wow, you really thought that was going to work, huh?”

Curled up on the floor, clutching the fist he’d very mistakenly slammed into Michael’s jaw, Dan hissed, “Fuck you. You killed me.”

“Poppycock. I had you killed. That’s entirely different, buddy.”

Dan staggered to his feet and shouted, “Maze! Eve! What the hell is he doing here?”

Taking off his wet jacket and draping it over the rack alongside the towel, Michael said, “I was invited, thank you very much. No one told me you were part of the arrangement.”

“What arrangement, asshole?” Dan snapped, turning red. “I’m just here to help Maze fix her boat’s engine.”

“Oh. You don’t work with her, then? No, I suppose you wouldn’t. As we’ve established, you’re entirely too killable.”

“You sleazy son-of-a… Maze! Get down here!”

Grumbling, Michael’s new boss stalked below deck carrying a crate of beer on her left shoulder and a sleeping bag under her right arm. “Goddammit – Dan, I told you to wait. Is your hand bleeding, you big meathead? We seriously just dragged your ass out of Hell and you couldn’t go two whole days before breaking yourself again? Ugh. You’re impossible. You’re worse than Decker.”

“Maze, d’you wanna explain what the actual fuck Lucifer’s psycho twin is doing here?”

“Interning,” Michael said, cheerfully.

His face now practically purple, Dan half-yelled, “What is he talking about? This is not okay, Maze! Does Chloe know? Does Amenadiel? Why is he even still on Earth? Lucifer’s God now; can’t he stick him on Mars or turn him into a bug or something?”

“Look, Dan, just calm down-…” she began.

“I died! I actually, literally, physically died! Because of him! No, I’m not going to calm down!”

Michael scoffed. “Please. Like that’s what you’re really upset about. You’re not angry about dying. You’re not angry at all. You’re scared, buttercup. And not just of me; of her, of Lucifer, of everything, and to be honest, I didn’t even need to use the ol’ angel juice to work that out.”

Mazikeen set down her cargo, pulled a knife from her belt, and flung it. It embedded itself five inches deep in the floor between them. “This? This is not Lux, dickheads. Mortals and celestials don’t hang out here to have a good time while I sit behind the bar and tolerate them. This crummy, crusty-ass, piece of crap boat is my domain. Here, I don’t have to put up with one femtometre of your bullshit. If you want to fight, do it somewhere else. If you want to fuck, do it quick and clean up afterwards. If you want to make yourselves useful, help me get the weapons on board.”

“Wait – wait, weapons? What weapons?” said Dan to her retreating back. “You said you were going fishing. Maze! What weapons?” 

0 

“Where’s all your stuff?” Eve asked when she showed him to his tiny cabin.

“I’m an archangel. I don’t have ‘stuff’.”

(Michael had already decided he didn’t like her. She was bubbly.)

“Heh. You should travel with Lucy sometime. We went to Vancouver for a weekend and he brought seven bags, five watches, and six pairs of shoes. Okay, do you – uh, do you at least have a change of clothes? Because those look kinda soggy.”

To his annoyance – and embarrassment – she spend twenty minutes hunting down a shirt and pants that would fit him.

“They’re mine,” she said, dropping them into his lap. “But I bought them to sleep in and I like loose pyjamas, so they’re a dozen sizes too big on me. Oh! Also found you this.”

She presented a hot water bottle in the shape of a fat, cuddly sheep.

He accepted it carefully, wondering if it was booby-trapped. “You’re Lucifer’s ex, right?”

“Er… yep? Amongst other things. The Original Sinner. First Woman, First Wife, First Mother. Mother of Mankind. Second Human. First Knowledgeable Human. But sure, I was also your brother’s girlfriend for a while.”

“And now you’re Mazikeen’s. Do you also work with her?”

“Sure do!” she said, interpreting the question as an invitation to sit down next to him. “I’m The Choronzon’s captain. That’s our boat’s name. My idea. I know she’s not much to look at but she’s got so much history. There’ve been fourteen homicides on her! Plus, she’s fast; way, way faster than she looks. And I know the beds are hard, but we’ve got three hammocks stashed away and getting them set up is easy as pie.”

“Wow. Those suckers up in the Silver City don’t know what they’re missing.”

She nodded, blinking slowly. “Hmm. Maze was right. You are mean. That’s cool. I get on well with mean people. Anyway, just in case she hasn’t told you; we’ve got a job lined up and we’ll be setting sail tomorrow at dawn. You get seasick? Not a problem; we’ve got a medical kit full of antiemetics. On that note, should we pick up something for you before we leave shore?”

“No.”

“You sure? Just that – uh – I mean, my third son, Seth, the one nobody talks about – he also had pretty severe scoliosis. Wasn’t a whole lot we could do about it back then. But these days they’ve got tons of stuff; opiods and anti-inflammatories and memory foam. Science is so, so cool. And I’m going shopping for sunscreen anyway, so dropping by the pharmacy wouldn’t be a problem.”

For a moment, he reviewed a list of responses that would deeply, profoundly hurt her, responses that would ensure she didn’t approach him again.

But he was tired, tired, tired.

“Here.”

He took a folded piece of A4 paper from his pocket and handed it to her. “These are what the last human doctor I went to recommended. Getting hold of those three I’ve circled is tricky, but I know a guy. Call him on that number down there and he’ll meet you wherever. If he gives you any trouble, remind him that Michael knows about the vacuum cleaner. That’ll shut him up.”

As soon as she’d bounced out of the room, he shut the door, locked it, and laid down to sleep. 

0

It was night when he awoke.  

He went upstairs to find Mazikeen and Eve sitting on the deck, admiring what stars could be seen through Los Angeles’ perpetual light pollution and sharing a pizza.

“Mickey! Get over here,” called Mazikeen, clad in a black dressing down and slippers shaped like plump pink pigs.

“It’s freezing,” he complained.

She snickered and threw him the prickly blanket that had been resting over her knees. “Wimp. Eve told you about the job, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know how to use any weapons?” Eve asked. “Maze sticks with her knives most of the time. I prefer my traps and crossbow. But we’ve got guns, if that’s more your speed.”

They were clearly expecting him to sit down. Eve had even scooted to the left to make room.

He opened the blanket up and wrapped it around his shoulders, remaining standing. “Can I ask a question? What, precisely, is my role here?”

“For now, you’re a meat shield,” said Mazikeen, talking through a mouthful of pepperoni and violently yellow cheese. “Me and Eve are both vulnerable to bullets. I mean – I’m less vulnerable, obviously. But I don’t hate any of my relatives enough to go about finding out exactly how many bullets it takes to snuff a demon. So your job, at least tomorrow, is just to soak up enemy fire until we’ve got our hands on the target.”

Scowling, he said, “Getting shot does hurt, you know.”

“Yeah,” she replied, eyes shining with spite. “Dan sure seemed to think so.”

When the tense silence had stretched for over thirty seconds, Eve clapped her hands, smiling anxiously, and said, “So! Anyone up for rummy?” 

0 

Along the California coastline, the cruise ship Illustrious Voyager bore four thousand three hundred and ten passengers, one thousand two hundred and ninety-six crewmembers, and two guide dogs.

Five thousand six hundred and eight souls, in total.

At around 4pm, without anyone noticing, that number became five thousand six hundred and nine.

Hands clasped behind her back, Eve strolled down the promenade, admiring the vessel’s size and beauty. This fresh new millennium’s wealth astonished her. Sickened, sometimes. Entranced, sometimes. But always astonished.

Back in the garden, they’d slept on and under rocks. When it rained, they got wet. When large animals came by, they hid. No weapons. No shelter. No blankets. The only resource they’d had in abundance was food. Good grief – so much food. God had been so proud of all the different fruits and nuts and mushrooms he’d made available to them, and Adam had been so grateful. Eve supposed she had been, too.

It hadn’t stopped her from one day approaching her husband and the plump rabbits resting in his lap – two of several dozen pets – and asking if he didn’t think the cold nights would be much more endurable if they each had a warm pair of fur slippers.

Then she’d met Lucifer. Fallen in love. Bitten the apple. Learned how powerful he and his Father truly were. That was when the real questions, the sticky, prickly questions, had come bubbling up.

If Lucifer has such a vast family, with so many siblings, why can’t I have even one? she’d asked the sky. Why is Adam all I get?

And later: If You can simply bring people into existence, why must I scream and bleed and shit myself in order to have children? Am I doing it wrong? Is there another way? If there isn’t, why not?

And later: Why is nothing fair?

And, most recently, after meeting Mazikeen: Why isn’t everything at least equally unfair? Why do humans get a world of options while Maze and her family are expected to serve angels from birth to death? Why isn’t Maze allowed into Heaven, even after an eternity of loyalty and hard work?

“Sorry,” she said, flashing white teeth at a passing crewmember. “I’m trying to find a friend of mine. Can you tell me how to get to Room 835?”

Half an hour later, there was a splash and the ship’s population dropped to five thousand six hundred and seven.

Before binding his arms and legs, Eve had secured Andrew Bismarck’s lifejacket and gagged him. Furious and helpless, he bobbed alongside her as the ship moved on and Mazikeen rowed up in her inflatable raft, wearing a sunset-orange swimsuit.

“Should I be worried about those, babe?” she asked as she gripped Bismarck’s lifejacket and hauled him out of the water.

Eve smiled at the dolphin pod swimming in playful loops around her, and patted the nearest one’s nose. “No. They’re my friends.”

The inflatable wasn’t big enough for three people, so Eve held on to a friend’s dorsal fin and let him drag her back to The Choronzon.

Michael stood on the deck, looking bored. As they climbed aboard, their prisoner slung over Mazikeen’s shoulder, he drawled, “Seriously? This sad specimen’s worth two million dollars?”

“Actually, his net worth is eight hundred million,” said Mazikeen, dumping him down. “Two million is just what his ex-wife is willing and able to pay.”

Wringing out her hair, Eve added, “She took half his money in the divorce but she gave almost all of it to a chimpanzee shelter. I really like her!”

His lip curled. “How delightfully sordid. Isn’t this all a little beneath you, Ms Mazikeen? I mean, you’re a big deal in Hell. High Commander of Lucifer’s legions, head advisor to the king himself. Aren’t you worried taking jobs like this diminishes you?”

Busy handcuffing Bismarck to the railing, Mazikeen said, “Eve, honey? Do me a favour?”

“Boop!” Eve chirped, having already snuck up behind Michael, and pushed him overboard.

“I know it’s your whole gimmick,” Mazikeen called down as he splashed and spluttered, his face red with princely indignation. “And I know you don’t have a lot else going for you. But the next time you try that on me, I will stop being nice. Kapish?”

“Kapish,” he muttered.

The Choronzon had barely travelled a mile before Eve spotted Bismarck’s henchmen coming after them.

“Someone gimme details!” shouted Mazikeen, busy putting a bulletproof vest on over her bikini and opening up the box she’d told Dan contained a fishing rod, not a halberd.

Eve peered through her binoculars. “Two speedboats. Twelve guys on jet skis. Guns everywhere.”

“Heh. Awesome. Mickey – move that tight ass to the front and make like a nice juicy target.”

“Wait, what about-…” Michael began, trailing off as Mazikeen dove gracefully into the sea.

Bouncing from foot to foot, Eve shot him a grin. “Don’t look so glum, sourpuss. This is the fun part.”

She’d never spoken to Michael in Heaven, despite the millennia they’d both resided only two miles apart, her in a lakeside cottage on the outskirts of the Silver City, him in the crystal palace in its centre.

Granted, she’d not exactly had a warm and fuzzy relationship with any of Lucifer’s siblings. They all knew what had happened in the garden. Some had been nice – Amenadiel had visited often, even though he’d never had much to say and they’d spent their time together skipping stones across the lake’s surface. But the others had kept her at a distance. She was a bad influence.

Michael, however, was the only angel she’d not ever said one word to.

She’d seen him, now and then, in the early days, when she was the only human in Heaven and, as such, grudgingly invited to divine family get-togethers. On those occasions, she’d spent too much time feeling awkward and out-of-place to pay attention to the sullen figure lurking in whatever shadows were available. The one time she’d glanced his way, it had been to marvel at the stories of people getting the twins mixed up; beyond the raw basics of bone structure, Michael couldn’t have looked less like her old lover.

Bullets sprayed across the hull. Humming, Eve stepped daintily into Michael’s shadow, seconds before they started bouncing off his shoulders and chest.

“It is beneath her,” he muttered.

She made an ambiguous noise. “How d’you figure?”

There came a shout and a splash from the nearest jet ski. The bullets stopped.

“C’mon. She’s Mazikeen. Everyone in the Silver City knows about Mazikeen. Ordinarily, we couldn’t give two dry shits about Lucifer’s minions, but her? She’s a minor celebrity. The power behind Hell’s throne. Christ, it’s no secret my beloved twin couldn’t govern his way out of a paper bag.”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling fondly. “He’s kind of bad at everything. Except music. He’s a great musician.”

More shouting. More shooting. More bullets bouncing off Michael’s torso. Mazikeen rode by, one hand gripping her newly-acquired jet ski’s throttle lever, the other clutching her bloodstained halberd. Watching her circle the enemy, Eve was reminded of a sheep dog.

Michael went on: “And then there’s the fact that for a while, everyone thought Lucifer was going to marry her. It was all anyone could talk about. Jophiel was taking bets on when the proposal would happen. She’d have been High Commander and the Queen of Hell. Instead? All of a sudden, Lucifer takes an indefinite vacay to the mortal realm, drags her with him, and next thing anyone knows, she’s working behind a bar.”

The remaining jet skis and their terrified, wounded riders had been neatly rounded up, which meant it was time for Eve to open her purse.

“Um – how long have those been in there?” asked Michael, watching her take out three grenades.

“You want one?” she offered. “Don’t forget to take the pin out before you throw it. I did that my first time.”  

One thing to be said for millions of dull, dull years spent sitting next to God’s Greatest Warrior, skipping stones across a lake; your aim got good.

The first blast was a warning, not close enough to actually kill any of Bismarck’s men, though the resultant waves did knock several into the water. They tried to retreat, turning their vehicles around, only to remember Mazikeen, corralling them single-handed and now armed with machine guns she’d confiscated from those already bested.

When they saw the second and third grenade incoming, they gave up and abandoned the jet skis, jumping into the sea and swimming for their lives.

“Fuck!” Michael yelped, blocking his ears at the concomitant explosions.

Gazing past the debris and smoke, Eve saw Mazikeen head for the nearest of the two speedboats. Its occupants, preoccupied with aiming a rocket launcher at The Choronzon, saw her coming far too late.

“I get your point,” said Eve, as her girlfriend and her halberd made short work of the crew. “But that’s a really… how can I put this? It’s a really angelic way of looking at things. Maze doesn’t consider anything ‘beneath her’.”

“Wow. Sick burn. You’re basically admitting she has no pride.”

“Oh, she’s got pride. Tons of pride. Her pride’s just dependant on how well she does a job, not on the type of job she has. She wasn’t happy working at Lux, but that wasn’t because she thought bartending was ‘beneath her’; it was because she prefers doing things she’s good at. Customer service isn’t really one of her strengths.”

The second speedboat was abandoned by its crew mere seconds before Mazikeen rammed the first speedboat into it, cackling victoriously.

“Actually,” Eve said, moving from Michael’s shadow to where Mazikeen had earlier set a crate of peach soda – her favourite – out on the deck, “now that you mention it, I guess I’m the one with no pride. Haven’t really ever had anything to be proud of. Your Dad never gave me the chance. I was never meant to do things. I was just meant to be.”

Michael snorted. “Lucky you. Trust me; he may have softened in his later years, but back in the day he never, ever stopped riding our asses. You think Lucy really rebelled because he had better plans for how the universe should be run? Because he was an innovator? Nope. Lazy dick just hated being told to do his chores.”

By the time Mazikeen swam back to them, saltwater had washed off the blood and her ponytail had come loose.

“Oh, hey,” said Eve, gripping her hand and pulling her up. “A mermaid.”

After pressing a rough kiss to her cheek and taking a swig of peach soda, Mazikeen asked, “You okay? He did his job?”

Eve patted the angel’s shoulder – the one that wouldn’t hurt. “He was terrific! Awesome addition to the team.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Michael mumbled.

Ignoring him, Mazikeen snatched up a towel to dry her hair. “Glad to hear it. Alright! Let’s get Bismarck back to shore, get paid, and find a place to have dinner so we can toast Team Hellrazor’s first successful mission.”

“R-A-Z-O-R,” Eve informed Michael. “To make it cooler.” 

0 

Bombshell curls. The only way to celebrate victory.

“Should I even ask why your hair smells like burning plastic?” asked Britney, a sixty-four year old veteran stylist with spectacles and a bright blue bob. She’d worked in Hollywood since she was seventeen and her skilled hands, according to rumour, had tended to Viola Davis herself.

Mazikeen flipped through a magazine with the hand that wasn’t getting its nails painted red-gold by two assistants down on their knees, as intensely focused as if they were touching up The Last Supper. “Blew up some jet skis. Don’t worry about it.”

Picking up the curling iron, Britney said, “That handsome guy you and Eve came in with… new boyfriend?”

“Ha! No. Not in a million years. He’s my intern.”

Eve had only wanted a trim and, as soon as it was done, had dragged Michael away to shop for books and shoes. She was trying, without much subtlety, to work out what he liked; what he did for fun; if he was even capable of having fun. Waste of time, in Mazikeen’s opinion, especially considering that before the end of the week he’d probably run away to some dark hole where he could get back to wallowing in his bitterness. But maybe not. Eve clearly had hope and Mazikeen trusted her judgement.

As the assistants moved on to her other hand, her phone buzzed.

Glancing up to meet Britney’s gaze in the mirror, Mazikeen said, “Get that for me? My nails are wet and it’s probably Eve. Word’s got out what happens to all other humans who call me on a Saturday.”

The older woman’s blue eyebrows bounced as she picked up the phone. “Might be that tasty boss of yours!”

“Nope,” she muttered, old unhappiness flaring hot in her heart. “He only ever calls when he wants me to do something and right now, there’s nothing he can’t do himself.”

Britney held the phone up in front of her face.

There was a message from Linda.

Charlie’s missing his Auntie Maze – see u for dinner Tuesday? J <3

“Uh – are you crying?” asked Britney.

“No!” she snapped. “Just… shut up. Reply for me. Say yes. And add a knife emoji. I always use knife emojis.”

Just then, a white woman with long brown hair and skinny jeans strode purposefully into the salon.

Britney tutted and held up a hand. “Ma’am? I’m sorry, but Ms Smith has booked the entire…”

She trailed off as the woman’s eyes flashed red.

“Chantinelle,” Mazikeen greeted, spinning the chair round and crossing her legs regally. “It’s okay, Britney. She’s a friend. Well – an ally.”

Gravel-voiced, like she smoked heavily, the other demon drawled, “I’m touched, your great and gracious Majesty.”

Mazikeen snickered. “Bitch, get over here.”

With a smirk, Chantinelle marched over and planted a fierce kiss on her cheek.

“What news from Hell?” Mazikeen asked her sister.

Chantinelle briefed her while Britney and the others finished up her curls and manicure. They spoke in Lilim, Chantinelle parking her denim-clad butt on the vanity next to an arsenal of combs and keeping one eye on the door. She’d already tried twice to convince Mazikeen that a queen needed a bodyguard, to no avail.

When their meeting was concluded, Britney said, “So you’re from Holland, right? Oh! It’s a lovely country. My cousin lives there and she’s always telling me to visit.”

(Britney knew they weren’t from Holland. Britney knew they weren’t from Earth. Britney was one of those people who coped with uncomfortable realities like demons in her workplace by ignoring them.)

“Will you be coming home soon?” Chantinelle asked before she left.

Studying her reflection – avoiding her sister’s gaze – Mazikeen said, “Mmm. Yeah. Soon. Just got a few things to finish up here.”

“Well, don’t keep us waiting too long. The family misses you. I mean – it’s been years, y’know?”

“I know. I do.”

“I didn’t know you had a family,” Britney commented after Chantinelle had gone. “How come you never talk about them?”

Mazikeen handed over a wad of blood-spattered cash. “Eh. After a while, I figured out that nobody likes it when I do.”

She began making her way across the mall to Eve’s favourite shoe shop, then stopped when she approached the arcade and heard her girlfriend’s laugh over the beeps and buzzes of various games.

Unsurprised, she wandered in and found her on the Dance Dance Revolution platform, barefoot and skirt twirling as she beat the shit out of someone’s high score, surrounded by a crowd of cheering, applauding onlookers.

Michael stood off to the side, clutching three bulging shopping bags and looking mortified.

“I couldn’t stop her,” he hissed to Mazikeen. “What the hell? What the actual hell? I thought you were trying to maintain a reputation on this crummy rock! What’re your enemies going to think if this is how your allies behave in public?”

“I figure they’ll think something like, ‘Oh my God, she’s tapping that? I am going to literally die of jealousy’,” Mazikeen said, kicking off her stilettos and handing them to him. “Go fetch us some bottled water, wimp. We’ll be here for a while.”

Eve’s competitor on the adjacent platform yelped as Mazikeen shoved him off and took his place.

“Hi, pretty lady,” said Eve, her eyes sparkling. “You know I’ve been dancing for millions of years, right?”

Mazikeen grinned at her and tossed back her bombshell curls. “Bring it, beautiful.”  

Out the corner of her eye, she saw Michael blush bright red. 

0 

What was he doing here?

“We are fifteen miles over the speed limit!”

Mazikeen cackled and drove faster. In the seat beside her, Eve punched the air and turned up the radio until Michael thought Rihanna’s voice would burst even his divine eardrums. (Contrary to his brother’s accusations, he did, in fact, enjoy some types of music. Just not when it was loud or fast-paced.)

“May I remind you of a crucial fact?” he demanded, having to shout to be heard. “It’s not me who’ll die if this thing flips! Angel, remember? You two are the ones who’ll be splattered all over the road! Hello? Is anybody listening to me?”

“I’m a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine,” Mazikeen sang.

The desert outside the cherry-red convertible they’d stolen in Las Vegas was a sickening blur and he hated it. Not that he’d never travelled this fast – though he was slower than just about all his siblings in the air, he could still outpace a jet. But flying under his own power couldn’t be compared to being trapped in this hideous human death trap under the command of a demon and a madwoman.

“I’ll be fine,” he said, this time to himself, gripping his seatbelt with both hands like it was the neck of an angry serpent. “Whatever happens. Even if we crash. They’ll die. I’ll be fine.”

“Hey!” called Eve, turning to look at him, squinting. “Are you really not having fun? Maze! Slow down! He’s not having fun.”

Mazikeen groaned but brought them back to a less terrifying percentage of light speed, while Eve undid her seatbelt and climbed into the back with Michael.

He sputtered. “Jesus H. Christ – you’re not supposed to do that while the vehicle is moving. Rules exist for a reason, goddammit.”

“I’m sorry we freaked you out,” Eve told him, with… confusing sincerity.

None of his siblings had ever apologised for frightening him, Lucifer least of all (“Aww – don’t be so nervous, brother!” and a golden laugh from the brave, adventurous Morningstar after he’d enticed Michael to fly with him into a hurricane for fun and the noise and sight of it had made his twin cry).

When Michael was young, he’d assumed that was because apologies were for lesser beings, like mortals – except that when he’d discovered his latent talent for underhanded pranks, his siblings had all turned around and demanded apologies from him. The pranks had become progressively mean-spirited after that.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop – for the punchline – he said, carefully, “It’s fine.”

The wind had blown Eve’s hair all over the place. As she brushed it out of her eyes, he was reminded that today she’d chosen to wear one of her thin white summer dresses, this one low-cut enough to make it clear that that was all she was wearing.

Now mischievous, she winked at him. “But you know… if I made a habit of following those rules you like so much, I’d still be married and bored out of my mind. Wanna kiss?”

He nearly jumped out of the car.

“Uh,” he croaked.

His gaze flickered past Eve’s inquisitive face to the back of Mazikeen’s head. How long did he have? How many milliseconds left before she turned around and tore out his throat in a fit of frenzied jealousy?

“Hell, yeah!” Mazikeen cheered, throwing up the horns. “One of you take a picture for me. Or, better yet, move over so I can see you in the rear view mirror.”

Eve’s chin tilted downwards as she examined Michael. “I dunno. Doesn’t seem like he’s into it. Er – yikes. Actually, I think he’s gonna throw up. Might wanna pull over, babe.”

“I’m not going to throw up! I just need… just need air. Could you sit back for a moment?” he hissed.

She did so and he got his breathing under control. Crap, his shoulder hurt so much today.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, fidgeting. “I didn’t mean to-…”

“Is this because of him?” Michael snarled, suddenly furious.

“What?”

“Him! Lucifer! He dumped you, yeah? And now you’re – what, trying to get back at him by hitting on me? Or is it just because I look like him so I’m the best substitute you can get, or-…”

She slapped him.

It hurt.

(It really did. What? Since when did getting hit by mortals hurt?)

Mazikeen whistled approvingly.

“No,” said Eve, half-growling. “I’m not like that. I don’t use people like that, Michael.”

He touched the part of his face where her skin had met his. It felt hot. Tingly. He swallowed. “Um – right. Got it.”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

The anger in her eyes subsided. “Good. Now, would you like to kiss me or not? It’s fine if you don’t want to. You’ll still be part of the team. This is just for fun.”

Feeling oafish and off-kilter, he gestured at Mazikeen. “Won’t she mind?”

“Nope!” Mazikeen volunteered without hesitation.

Eve, exasperated, huffed, “I already asked her if she’d mind. Do you really think I’d put the offer on the table if I hadn’t? Whatever they say about me in the Silver City, I’m neither frivolous nor disloyal. I didn’t go behind Adam’s back when I fell in love with your brother; I told him to his face what I was doing.”

“Oh. Didn’t know that.”

“Because he didn’t tell anyone. He didn’t care. Adam was a decent man who didn’t love me at all. But Maze does, and I love her, and we’ve decided this is something we’re both okay with.”

“Yeah, most demons are poly,” Mazikeen told him. “As long as everyone’s on board and on the same page, you can hook up with whoever you like.”

“Last chance: kiss or no kiss?” said Eve.

She was close enough now for him to smell her perfume. His chest felt tight. “I don’t like ultimatums.”

“Okay. How about wagers? I bet you anything I’m the best kisser you’ve ever met. Or requests? Please, please kiss me, Michael. Or-…”

She was so warm. Her breath flowing into his mouth felt like drinking hot chocolate on a Winter’s night, sugary heat poured down his throat and filling up his whole chest.

His bones seemed to melt. He slid down the seat, half-pushed, until he lay almost flat with her on top of him, cradling his face in her hands, her thumbs making slow, comforting circles on his jaw.

“Ghnnff-fu-fuck,” he slurred.

That he was hard, and had been hard ever since he’d noticed how low-cut her dress was, seemed almost irrelevant in the face of far more interesting observations, like the soft grunts she made or the way her breasts felt pressed tight against him, until she slid a thigh between his legs.

He cried out. Arched.

“There you go,” she purred against his neck.

Elegant and effortless, she took off her shoes and her panties, and slid down onto his cock with a soft, fluttering sigh. Grabbed his hand and raised it to cover one of her nipples.

Just before he came, he opened his eyes and gazed up, and the sun had moved behind her, draining all but her edges of definition, and the wind had picked up her hair again and sent it billowing up and out, like dark wings. Like his wings.

“Michael! Ah!”

The car stopped.

“Huh,” said Mazikeen. “There’s something you don’t see every day.”

She pointed. Panting, they both followed her finger.

Across the sky, from one horizon to the next, the clouds had arranged themselves into the words

I LOVE YOU DETECTIVE !!!!

-LM

“Oh, crud,” said Eve. 

0 

Fuck the next bounty.

After thinking about it for ten seconds, Mazikeen turned them around and started driving straight for Los Angeles.

Eve can talk to him. Not me. He needs to talk to someone, and Eve will do.

Barely half a mile later, Amenadiel dropped out of the sky and landed in the middle of the road, just far enough away for her to bring the car to a screeching halt before it would otherwise have slammed into him like wet clay into a steel wall.

“We’ve got a problem,” he said, looking exhausted.

She snorted and pointed skyward. “Yeah. This? Not gonna lie, I was expecting something like this. But I thought it would take, like, at least a month.”

Wincing, Amenadiel said, “No, that’s… that’s a different problem and Chloe’s promised to discuss it with him. Maze, we need you back at Lux. Now.”

“Hi, Amenadiel!” Eve called, waving.

He succeeded in smiling at her without even glancing at Michael, despite his younger brother sitting right at her side, glaring fixedly.

“Why?” demanded Mazikeen, tensely drumming her fingers on the wheel. (Inner voice hissing, Shouldn’t have left him alone, you dumb bitch, you’ve been doing this for centuries and you know what he’s like when you leave him alone for more than five minutes.) “Seriously – what could he possibly need me for? He’s God.”

Sighing, Amenadiel put his wings away. “Mazikeen, we’re all well aware that Lucy often… has difficulty focusing. To put it mildly. There’s a lot more for him to focus on now than ever before. He’s trying to undo climate change. To that end, he started refreezing all the melted ice in the Arctic. But he did it too quickly and, resultantly, there are several hundred trapped ships we need to save and several thousand dead penguins to resurrect and, to be honest, he hasn’t really got the hang of resurrection yet – you remember what Dan looked like for the first few hours after Lucifer brought him back to life…”

“Eurgh. Yeah. Yuck. Totes not the kinda shit you’d wanna see in Happy Feet.”

Michael was snickering.

“Right. And then there are all the changes he’s been making locally,” Amenadiel went on. “The expansion of Lux, the overnight disappearance of all Los Angeles’ firearms, his deciding that the city’s white supremacist population should grow a third ear so they can be easily identified, and, well, it turns out that a lot of Chloe’s colleagues at the police station-…”

“I get it, I get it. Chaos everywhere. As usual. What, exactly, is the problem he wants me to fix?”

Amenadiel exhaled heavily. “The demons. The ones you brought from Hell to help us defeat Michael.”

“Oh, so you do remember I exist,” Michael muttered.

Stonily ignoring him, Amenadiel said, “They’re still on Earth and they’re causing trouble. The one called Dromos, in particular. He’s gathered followers and they’ve surrounded Lux.”

Her brother’s face – his real face, not the human puppet he wore – flashed through her mind’s eye; a memory from when they were unruly children and had raced through Hell together, using the stone pillars that they’d not yet known were cells as an obstacle course. She’d been faster; he, more athletic. Together with a few cousins, they’d made a fearsome team, and not even their meanest older siblings had bullied them.

She folded her arms and looked away. “They’re demons. Lucifer can deal with them. Snap his fingers and turn them into rats or whatever. Make them explode.”

“Mazikeen,” Eve murmured, soft and low, touching her shoulder. “You don’t want that. They’re your family.”

Amenadiel blinked, as though that hadn’t occurred to him. “Er… yes, there’s that. There’s also the fact that Lucifer doesn’t want all of humanity to see him as the type of God who casually annihilates his enemies; a harsh, vindictive God. He wants to be liked. To be loved.”

“Fine. So why don’t you and the other angels sort it out?”

“Come now, Maze. A bunch of angels and a bunch of demons waging war in the midst of a bustling city? Humans will die. But you’re the Queen of Hell now and, by extension, the Queen of Demons. If you command Dromos to stand down, he will. This can all be resolved peacefully.”

Eve’s fingertips were cool against her skin.

Mazikeen looked back at the sky. The cloud letters were starting to dissolve. “What does he want?”

“Who?”

“Dromos. He doesn’t act on instinct. He’s a planner. He wants something.”

Shrugging, Amenadiel said, “He shouted at me about demanding an audience with the king. I didn’t ask for details. I don’t really care. Dromos isn’t someone I’m inclined to listen to at the best of times. The last time the wretch showed his face on Earth, he kidnapped my son.”

“Mmm. Kinda like your sister was gonna do. Kinda like you were gonna do, now that I think about it.”

“Maze!” he gasped, sounding shocked and hurt. “You can’t compared poor Remiel’s misguided actions to-…”

“I’ll do it,” she interrupted. “Take me to Lux. Now.”

“Excuse me? What about us?” snapped Michael.

Mazikeen met Eve’s gentle gaze. “You don’t need to be involved in this. My family drama, it – it’s not pretty.”

“My son killed my son,” said Eve, taking her hand. “My husband loved another woman. I’m used to drama.”

Swallowing, Mazikeen glanced at Michael. “And you, wimp?”

Feigning disinterest – feigning it badly – he said, “You showed up to my last domestic dispute. Guess this’ll make us square.”

“I’ve only got two arms. I can’t carry all of you,” Amenadiel pointed out.

Mazikeen rubbed her chin. “No… but you can carry the car, right?” 

0 

He didn’t have time for this. There was so much to do.

“World hunger,” he recited as he bounced from one laptop to the next, all twenty-three of them displaying a different article or video by a leading scientific or sociological mind, “wealth inequality, pollution, cancer, droughts, racism, elderly abuse, housing shortages, cruelty to animals…”

“Lucifer,” said Linda patiently, sitting on his best couch with her legs crossed, a cup of coffee and a laptop of her own beside her. “You said you wanted my advice as to how you should manage this whole ‘being God’ business.”

“I do, doctor! Very much. Your input is invaluable. Blast, where did I put that map of Alaska? I’m thinking of making it bigger; slotting it in alongside the Arctic to help stabilise all that new ice.”

“Right. Thanks. So here – here is what I’m suggesting now; slow down. Seriously. Take a breath, step back, and think your next move through.”

He scoffed. “‘Slow down’? Doctor, I need to work at least three times faster if I’m to keep up with everything. There are people suffering everywhere, millions of them! There are sinners in need of punishment! I’m seriously considering asking Chloe to be my Deputy God. I never imagined omnipotence would entail so much paperwork and she’s always been better at that than me.”

Outside the penthouse, many stories below, the chanting grew louder. None of the human police officers, journalists, and gawkers who’d gathered to watch could understand it; it was in Lilim.

Cursing, Lucifer strode to the balcony and shouted down, “For the last time, would you all kindly piss off? I’m trying to fix an entire planet here!”

He heard the elevator open and moaned. “Detective, not now. Please. I’m very sorry I haven’t returned your calls – I swear I’m not avoiding you – it’s just that I’ve got a lot on my plate today and we did already agree to meet for supper at-…”

“Lucifer,” said Linda, sounding terrified.

“Lucifer,” said someone else, sounding irritable.

Now that he was God, rage didn’t turn his eyes red anymore. It turned them gold and blindingly bright, like spotlights. Fists clenched, he turned to see Dromos step into the penthouse, once again clad in the flesh of the late Father Kinley and wearing a leather jacket.

“Nice trick, making all the doors disappear. Finally decided to climb up the side of the building with a sledgehammer and burrow my way through into the elevator shaft,” said the demon, hands in his pockets and concrete dust coating his beard and his bald head. “I want to talk to you, sire.”

Storming across the room while Linda remained frozen, white-faced, on the couch, Lucifer snarled, “You! You have the nerve to come here, to stand before me, after what you did to my nephew?”

He took Dromos by the neck and lifted him off the ground, his wings opening in fury (he had six of them now).

Stoical even as he choked, Dromos said, “I need. To talk. I will leave immediately afterwards.”

“Oh, you’ll leave, alright! You’ll be lucky if I don’t throw you into an active volcano, you accursed traitor!”

Dromos’ stolen skin began to sizzle beneath his fingers. He waited until the demon’s face was wrinkled with pain before throwing him to the floor hard enough to crack the wood and make a crater.

“I will leave,” Dromos gasped, coughing up blood, “when I have spoken.”

“What could you possibly have to say for yourself? Kidnapper. Child-thief.”

Still on the couch, Linda said tremulously, “Lucifer, you’re… you’re hurting him. Stop it. Please.”

“Let us stay!” shouted Dromos, and coughed again before dragging himself up onto his knees. “On Earth. That’s what I came to say. Let your erstwhile subjects stay on Earth if they choose – at least, those who served you in the battle against Michael. Don’t force them to return to Hell. Let them, let us choose where we live, going forward. That’s my request, your Majesty. My only request.”

Lucifer boggled at him. “Is that a joke? Demons? On Earth, indefinitely, unsupervised? Are you out of your tiny mind, Dromos?”

Baring teeth, Dromos said, “Why not? What does it matter to you now? You’ve got everything you could possibly want. Everything anyone could possibly want! All we’re asking is the freedom to come and go as we please.”

“No.”

He spoke the word bluntly, and then he stepped back, adjusting his cuffs. Regaining his composure. “Never. You’re dangerous and untrustworthy. This world is for humans, not you. Good grief, haven’t I got enough to preoccupy my mind, without the added stress of demons rampaging around town?”

“We won’t rampage. We just-…”

“Why are you even coming to me with this? Mazikeen’s the new Queen of Hell. Didn’t you get the memo?”

Dromos wiped blood from his lips. “I don’t know if my sister and I are on speaking terms right now. And she may be Queen, but you’re God; I assumed you would be tasked with such decisions. After all, there’s never been a demon in charge of Hell before. We were told – we were always told – that only angels could rule us. I don’t doubt Mazikeen’s competence, but I…”

He seemed to run out of steam, spreading his hands and finishing weakly, “Lucifer, you’re the king. You’ve been the king for millions of years. For my entire life. Look, if you really don’t want us leaving Hell, then can you at least use your newfound power to improve it? Let us have the things mortals enjoy? Pianos, dogs, blankets, weekends, all that stuff?”

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “That would rather defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it? Hell is supposed to be a place of punishment. The ultimate consequence awaiting sinners. I need a carrot and a stick, Dromos. How else am I supposed to convince people to behave if I don’t? Imagine a rapist arriving in Hell and being confronted with demons playing pianos and walking their dogs. Wouldn’t have quite the desired effect, would it?”

Dromos was quiet for a moment, then said without inflection, “Perhaps you could find somewhere else to put rapists. Somewhere other than our home.”

Throwing up his arms, Lucifer said, “More demands! Don’t you see how selfish you’re being? Here I am, doing my best to end all suffering, and you’re complaining about babysitting a few evil-doers – which, might I remind you, is your job. Nay, your very reason for existence. Always has been. Why’re you getting stroppy about it now?”

“I think,” Linda began, taking a tentative step forward before stopping and clearing her throat. “Excuse me. May I interrupt? Um. Okay, so I think that maybe Dromos has a point here, Lucifer.”

“Doctor! This is the creature that stole your baby!”

“Yes, I know. And I’m not saying I forgive him for that, but…”

“I wasn’t going to eat the brat,” Dromos grumbled. “I was going to make him a king.”

“You took him away from his mother!” Lucifer shouted.

“Gentlemen!” said Linda, sharply. “Please! Let’s try to talk this through like adults.”

Overcome with frustration, and only vaguely aware that he’d not been sleeping well lately, Lucifer kicked the nearest chair. “I can’t believe you’re siding with him, doctor.”

“I’m not siding with anyone. I-…”

“You don’t know these people like I do. You didn’t spend millions of years in Hell alongside them. The only demon you’ve ever gotten acquainted with is Maze, and she’s not like the others; even without a soul, she’s learned how to behave like a more-or-less civilised adult, barring the occasional tantrum. But your average, baseline demon has nothing to them besides wrath and cruelty. Lilith made them to be weapons and that’s all they really are. I mean – just imagine, for a moment, how hard it was for me. To go from the Silver City, the most beautiful place ever created, to a lightless nightmare realm full of these bloodthirsty animals. To be surrounded by them, for endless eons, while they nattered mindlessly on and on about how much they love torture and pain and…”  

He trailed off. Linda and Dromos were both looking past him.

To the elevator. Where – oh – Mazikeen was standing.

Where Mazikeen was crying.

No sobs, not like when Dan had died. No expression at all, really. Just open eyes, motionless muscles, and steady tears.

Before Lucifer could say a word, she pressed the button to close the elevator doors.

“Wait!” he yelped, sprinting over to stop them.

He needn’t have bothered. Now that he was God, objects did whatever he told them to do. The doors stilled, half-open.

“That sounded wrong,” he acknowledged, clasping her shoulders in apology. “You completely missed the context. What I was trying to say was-…”

“Don’t touch me.”

It was a phrase he’d heard many times before from mortal lovers to whom he had accidentally revealed his Devil Face. Some of them said it in horror. Some of them, the religious ones, said it in anger.

Mazikeen looked neither horrified nor angry. She looked sick. As though the very sight of him turned her stomach.

Lumbering over, Dromos stepped into the elevator alongside her and pointedly pressed the button again. With no idea what to do or say, Lucifer allowed the machinery to work.

The elevator closed.

“What have I done?” he asked Linda. 

0  

Nothing I didn’t know.

“Maze?” called Eve, waiting by the car with the others as Mazikeen stepped out of Lux’s front door and into the sunlight.

The door hadn’t been there when they’d arrived. She’d been forced to use Dromos’ route. Lucifer must have decided to put it back. He could do that now. Just decide things. Didn’t need servants, nor followers, nor anyone. Sure didn’t need a ‘more-or-less civilised adult’ whose kin were animals.

“Maze! Wait!”

Mazikeen didn’t know where she was going, only that she was walking very quickly and felt that she’d die if she stopped. She heard Eve’s heels patter on the pavement and heard her say her name a third time, quiet and worried, and that was what stilled her feet.

“What happened?” murmured Eve, cupping her face.

The fifty or so demons who’d been standing around outside Lux when Amenadiel had set the car and its passengers down were still there. Instead of chanting to get their king’s attention, they were now looking at her.

Michael and Amenadiel stood among them, the latter having been trying to convince them to stop blocking traffic.

Which was what she should have been doing. It was what he’d brought her here to do. But she’d been gripped by a sudden, violent need to see Lucifer, to check on him, just quickly, before tending to her siblings. Once a bodyguard, always a bodyguard.

Except that wasn’t what I was. Not to him. To him, I was a Rottweiler on a leash.

“Are you alright?” asked Amenadiel, his eyes overflowing with concern.

That was what cracked her.

To him. Not to everyone. Not to Eve, or Amenadiel, or Linda. It’s not that I’m incapable of earning love and respect.

I’m just incapable of earning his.

Her legs gave out. She crumpled against Lux’s outside wall and started to weep properly, loud and bitter.

Eve immediately dropped down beside her, holding her tight. Michael shuffled closer, rubbing his shoulder while his mouth opened and shut, testing out sentences that were never spoken.

Then Dromos was there, kneeling, his face sad and tired.

“We did what we were told,” she said to him in Lilim, through sniffles. “We obeyed. We were loyal. We… we…”

“We are alone, sister,” he replied. “But I think we always were.”

“We obeyed!”

“We obeyed Lilith and she left. We obeyed Lucifer and he left. No one wants us, Mazikeen. It’s just the truth.”

She took a shuddering breath and squeezed her eyes shut. “No. I want us.”

Seizing his jacket’s shoulder, she hauled herself to her feet and addressed the crowd, her voice raw: “I want you! You’re my family and I want you! And I swear I will be the queen you deserve, for as long as you’ll have me!”

Her human skin fell away, the left side of her face turning cold, bony, and brittle.

Stepping back to join their siblings, Dromos asked hesitantly, “What would you have us do, then, my queen? What are your orders?”

Hurriedly drying her eyes, she studied them one by one. “Whoever wants to can stay here. But I’m going home. Hell is going to be ours, Dromos. No more damned souls. No more angels. It’s ours now and we’re going to make it into something we can love.”

She turned to face Eve and Michael, her heart pounding. “You’ll come with me, yeah? You’ll stand with me?”

“Always,” said Eve, closing in to kiss her.

“Whatever,” Michael muttered, clearly just relieved that the crying part was over.

Amenadiel sighed, shaking his head gravely. “Mazikeen, are you sure this is what you want? You won’t be able to leave Hell on your own – you’ll need to contact me.”

“Yeah. At least until this one grows his feathers back,” she said, gesturing at Michael. “That’s okay. You’ll always come when I call, right?”

“Of course. You’re my friend, Maze. I’m sorry if I haven’t said that often enough.”

Fuck it. Cringing on the inside, Mazikeen drew Amenadiel into a quick, gruff hug. “You too, idiot.”

TO BE CONTINUED

[askpresidentsoot]

... Wilbur they fought over bandannas. Literally, I am telling you my dude, I was there, I saw the whole two rounds of the argument, because I was an accomplice in it. There was nothing. Nothing, at all, that you could've done.

And how are you so sure Techno is invincible? If Jeff is killable, if gods can bleed, mortals with physical bodies, with all due respect, bleed harder. I assure you, no matter how strong Techno is, he is indeed still mortal, and has weaknesses. Maybe not that many physical ones, but he indeed has them.

You did what you could. Stop living in hypotheticals. You did what you could, you gave it all. You are unsatisfied with the results because there was a possibility for things to go wrong. But they did not. You have to forgive yourself of what hasn't happened, and won't happen. It's in the past, now. It's locked under key. It can't go back.

And... You are important, Wilbur. You are. You are important to us, to them.

I'm done arguing, Wilbur. I feel my frustration rising, and I don't want to take it on you. I don't want to be upset with you, over you simply not getting it yet. Mull over what I said, alright? Without your biases. Please.

- Red.

wait, seriously? i know tubbo said something that really hurt tommy, but it started over bandannas? i mean, i know that’s their thing for the two of them, but still. that’s a surprising escalation, i wonder if there was some other kind of stress contributing? well, at least they’ve made up now.

it’s not just that he’s physically strong. he’s a strategist, and he has a reputation. i’ve spent a good chunk of my younger life looking up to him, you know? i know he’s got weaknesses, i’m well aware, but when something like this happens- i can’t help but feel like he would have handled it better. he’s always been stronger than me, even though we’re basically the same age.

i know there’s nothing i can do to change it now, even though it is a little ironic that someone who literally time traveled into the past to change it is the one telling me that. i’m thinking about the future, and that if something like this happens again i probably won’t be able to stop it.

....

okay. i’m sorry if i’ve upset you. i’ll... think about what you’ve said, i guess.

[ecoamerica]

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