#how was that like.. only a few months ago jfc

[charmac]

Ack, sorry for babbling in your inbox but god I just saw Rob's comments on Sunny now and it makes me feel ill, and really just sad, I like to give benefit of the doubt too but, jeez. Do you think it's like... when no one else ever takes you seriously, you start to believe them/not take yourself seriously or you just don't have the energy to argue anymore? So the presses, the Emmys, the media, a thousand random strangers say oh that show's still on air? that show should have ended years ago, and after so long only hearing that side of things he feels he has to agree, and it's not a bad joke, it's a fear that that's the truth, the need to jump ahead of someone else telling him it again by saying it first because he knows they're not going to get it, a defense before even being attacked because that's the response expected of him so it's the response he shills out even if he doesn't necessarily believe it deep down? God I hope he doesn't believe it. I didn't hear him say the actual words so I didn't get to gauge tone or anything, but ouch, especially considering old interviews with both him and the others where they talk about how much the show means, and considering even meta commentary in the show itself where they fought back against this sentiment already. (Shaking head disappointedly at him.) (Shaking head approvingly at you vagueing him on twitter)

Mm, yeah, that's an angle I didn't really consider honestly, and I definitely see that. Especially with the Emmys this year and them trying to like, say they're honouring Sunny as the longest running comedy while never even giving them so much of a nomination over the course of their 10+ years of campaigning... And then on top of that, every article written about their appearance at the Emmys called it a "reunion," as if they didn't talk about how they were coming off 16 Seasons... slap in the face on top of that all.

But yeah, I mean. Yeah, you do get told something so often, over and over, more as the years go on, and you do end up jumping ahead of it. But, to me, it still just hurts that there was no "but and," in play. (Maybe it was said but cut? Who knows.) It was just left on that note of "over for five or six years," which felt annoyingly specific to when he met RR.

On the meta commentary, YES, JFC, people on Twitter responding to my Tweet with Big Mo screencaps "did you not watch this episode, they've been saying it's over since Season 14." DID YOU NOT WATCH THE END? Like, lmfao? That is literally not the "gotcha" you think it is in any way at all! You're proving MY point.

Honestly I think it's just like, with TASP not returning and Rob so absent from most of the Four Walls stuff, Sunny being mentioned on his "more proclaimed" project was such an exciting initial prompt, (especially when we saw Glenn and Charlie go over for a match last season) so for it to just be a backhanded remark, or self-deprecating joke at best, was just in the moment extremely offputting and upsetting.. and made me want to turn off the TV and hence spiral a little and huff and puff..

Whatever, you know? Just gotta cut the tether and go back to being cool. A cool guy who hangs out with his cool show on his cool blog. I'm cool. (I know Glenn and Charlie stand by 16, hard, and I know they're excited for 17.)

[hippolotamus]

Listen, yesterday my angsty wife @bidisasterevankinard said ‘what would Buck get from Eddie? Just the will?’ and jfc here we are. Mostly under the cut for length and mentioned past suicidal thoughts. I apologize in advance. (Please let me know if I’m missing any important tags)

“Jeez, Eds, you really gotta clean out your junk drawer,” Buck calls from the kitchen.

Eddie huffs a little laugh to himself because he knows if he lets said drawer go long enough Buck will inevitably clean it himself. He always does, always has. The messiness of Eddie’s junk drawer always gets to him eventually.

“Aha!” Buck exclaims.

“Find it?” Eddie calls back. Buck is searching for a notepad to keep score. Chris is coming home in a few weeks, for the start of school, and Buck wants to brush up on Scattergories before he does.

“No, but I did find the missing Yahtzee pencil.”

Eddie shakes his head fondly, listening as Buck continues sifting through the contents, like a woodland creature making a nest.

“Finally! I didn’t think it would be so hard finding a note…pad.”

Buck’s voice trails off into silence. No sounds of the gentle giant bounding through the house. Nothing until the shaky ‘E-eds?’ so quiet Eddie almost doesn’t hear it.

He hurries to the other room, curious what could have made Buck sound so upset. But as soon as he sees his friend he knows. He recognizes the lined notebook, hurriedly hidden there months ago. Shoved in the darkness and now in Buck’s trembling hands, open to a page that was never meant to be discovered.

“Eddie,” Buck says, lifting his gaze to reveal red-rimmed eyes that dull the beautiful endless blue Eddie’s used to. “What- Is this-”

Eddie swallows, steeling himself for this conversation he wants to have even less than telling Chris he was letting him go. He manages to calmly cross the room, gently taking the pad from Buck. He stays in Buck’s space, one hand hovering over his shoulder, unsure if he has the right to offer anything soothing right now. Eventually Eddie withdraws, keeping to himself.

“It is,” Eddie confirms. “It’s exactly what you think it is.”

“But- why?!” Buck’s words are so broken and Eddie doesn’t know that any reasoning will be good enough. “Why would you- Eddie you were planning to kill yourself! And this- this is addressed to me. Was I meant to find you?! What about the rest of the team? Our family!”

Eddie can see the hurt building to rage. And he gets it. He does. He’s been on the other side of this, too. He offers the only explanation he can, even if he knows it’s piss poor and inadequate.

“Buck, the only reason you’ve never seen this before is because you did find me. It was right after Chris left and Gerrard took Bobby’s place. Everything was messy as hell. I just didn’t see the point anymore. And I thought- I thought even if Chris did come back, I wasn’t fit to parent him.”

“Eddie-”

“But you showed up. Just barged through my door like always. Because I swear you must have some kind of sixth sense. So I shoved the note away. We had beer and pizza, and you told me we could talk about Chris or anything else if I wanted to not think about it. And Tommy FaceTimed from Harbor while he was on shift, and I saw you being all gooey and gross together.” Eddie laughs, remembering how lovestruck Buck was even then. “You stayed over, slept on the sofa and something changed. Made me start to realize there might be something left for me after all. First thing the next morning I called and made an appointment with Frank.”

“O-okay,” Buck start, hesitantly. “That still does explain why this is written to me. Why not a generic note or something for Chris?”

“There was one for him, too. But when Shannon died, she left a note for Christopher. Something to explain why she was gone in case she never came back.” Eddie’s throat becomes clogged with emotion and hurt, demons he’s still fighting. “She left one for him. But nothing for me. Nothing to explain why I had to go on and live life without her. And I couldn’t do that to you. As the only other person that close to my son, I couldn’t let you wonder. I couldn’t let you waste years of your life questioning. Yes, you’re in my will, but I couldn’t leave you with only that. Like you were some arbitrary footnote meant to take care of Chris if something happened to me. I needed you to have the closure I never got. That I was never given a chance to hear.”

Between one breath and the next, Buck tackles Eddie in a tight embrace, holding on for dear life. He clutches and sobs into the crook of Eddie’s neck while Eddie clings right back, wondering how he let the darkness of everything convince him he could die without leaving a trail of hurt in his wake.

They cry together, a conversation of a million unsaid things in every wretched, anguished moment.

“Eds, please. You can’t-“ Buck’s muffled voice comes from where he’s trying to burrow further into Eddie. “You just can’t.”

“I know. I’m so sorry,” he whispers, carding his fingers through Buck’s hair. “So sorry, Evan. I won’t. Ever. I promise.”

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

also, my trauma from acephobia got triggered again. that's also why i'm feeling bad rn. this has been happening constantly ever since i realized i was tricking myself into thinking i was allosexual and snapped myself out of that. i keep getting triggered which makes me very depressed & anxious & sometimes suicidal and it makes me feel broken & ashamed for being ace and i get a million negative thoughts racing through my head about how everyone hates ace ppl and how my chances of ever getting another romantic partner are very slim and shit like that. it's so awful. god i fucking wish i was never exposed to so much acephobia, i feel like i'm never gonna get over this trauma and internalized self hatred. ik it's a process and i've only just started trying to actually accept my asexuality a few months ago but jfc i'm already sick of this. it makes me wanna go back to being in denial about being asexual.

and you know what else sucks is that i can't even seek out therapy for this bc acephobia is still so prevelant in society, there is a big chance that if i did bring this up to a therapist, they would instead insist that something is wrong with me and would try to "cure" my asexuality. not that i want to go to therapy for this specific issue, i don't tbh, but it's just the point of it, like, isn't that just fucking awful? that it's probably more likely that i'd be urged into conversion therapy type shit than getting help in accepting who i am? fucked up.

sorry i started rambling. anyways, tldr, trauma regarding my sexuality fucking sucks

[ftm-radio]

My gender is 4 years old

...and four days, as of April 15th. This post is a bit late. 😅

Four years ago, all the confusing little puzzle pieces I'd been collecting came together in a genuine eureka! moment and I realized I was transgender. It was exhilarating and terrifying and it undeniably changed my life for the better.

The last few years have felt pretty damn slow and I've had to scramble over a few frustrating obstacles (never changing my name AGAIN, lmao, that was annoying as fuck) but it's all been worth it and now it feels like I'm really making headway.

I started testosterone this past year! I did that! I'm almost 7 months on T now! Currently on a dose of two pumps of gel, which I have only missed applying once in all that time because I was literally sick. The changes are gradual but they are real and they have already brought me so much joy and made me so much happier in my humble flesh prison. 💗

The most anticipated change for me (and for a lot of transmasc folks, I imagine) is my voice, and BOY (heh) am I happy to share this data comparison with you:

[ LEFT: A screenshot from the Voice Pitch Analyzer app, dated November 3rd, 2021. It shows that OP's voice registers fully within the female voice range. RIGHT: Another screenshot from the app, dated April 12th, 2024. This one shows that OP's voice registers mostly between the Androgynous and Male voice ranges. ]

My voice is so different now. It sounds different, it feels different, and in just the last week or so I swear it has gotten a little rougher and raspier and I am LIVING. I could not be happier!!!

...okay, fine, I could be happier lmao.

I'm adjusting to my deeper voice and still learning how to use it in a way I like & that feels best to me, so I'm starting to do some casual at-home voice training again after basically forgetting about the concept completely since 2021. (Whoops.) But I am already so much happier and more content with my voice than I have ever been in my life, so it's only getting better from here, lads. <3

I've also had to go to a lot of appointments and answer a ton of phone calls about said appts recently because I kinda fucked up my eyeball (it's better now, don't worry! and be gentle to your eyes, they are delicate and eye drops are so fucking annoying when you're doing them seven times a day, jfc) and my voice has reached a point where I was a lot more comfortable interacting with strangers and I also didn't notice any surprise or confusion when I introduced myself with a male name! It was kind of amazing.

Also singing is even more fun now. I love love LOVE singing along with a male vocalist and feeling the way my voice kinda rumbles through my chest. 10/10 sensory experience.

Other changes aren't nearly as exciting or obvious as my voice, but here's a quick (?) rundown, for those who are curious:

Mood — Gotta be honest, I don't think I've really noticed any significant change in my day-to-day mood, though I may not be the best judge for this because I have trouble figuring out what/how I'm feeling in general, tbh. But I think I have certainly gotten more comfortable and content with myself and I'd even go so far as to say I feel a little more confident these days. It's nice, I appreciate it.

Acne — I definitely noticed a change in how my acne presents itself on my face. I wouldn't say it's worse than before (I've had very bad acne since I was a young teenager and only got medication for it like, last year which has helped immensely) but I think it's different. More little red spots and roughness than the unpleasant and painful pimples I'm used to. I don't even mind it, really. Oddly affirming.

Facial Hair — I've got facial hair. I really do!!! Not clickbait!!! It's not much, not enough for me to be brave and take my dad up on his offer of shaving lessons quite yet, but it has grown in enough that I don't feel silly including it in self portraits! 🤭🧔🏻 Got a little bit of a mustache happening, a little bit at the sides of my face, some fuzz on my chin (with one LONG hair that I can only assume has been greedy and stealing his brothers' growth), and a frankly surprising lil patch of hair under my jaw. On a semi-related note, not sure if my brows have gotten much darker/thicker. They might have? idk.

my new discord icon, hehe... 👁💜🪓

Body Hair — I have gotten a little more hair on my forearms, and it may have gotten a little darker too! I have a tattoo on my arm just below my left wrist and it's been surprisingly helpful for measuring arm hair growth because for years my tattoo was not covered by hair at all but the left side of it's a little fuzzy now... 😏 I've gotten more noticeable hair growth on my upper arms, which were basically hairless before (free gender euphoria every time I put on my T) and on my thighs. Don't think my lower legs have gotten much hairier, and I'm a little impatient about it lmao. I want to get hairy enough to rival my brother.

Energy/Appetite — Can't say I've really noticed any differences here? I am not a very active person and I already struggled with appetite and getting myself to eat before I started T (thank you adhd & poor eating habits 🥲💀), so I can't quite tell if I'm ignoring more hunger signals than usual. 😅 I am hoping to get more active and start doing more physical activity now that it's starting to get warmer outside again, so hopefully that will help me see these sorts of changes and also get me into some better eating habits as I expend more energy and work up a proper appetite! (Also, since we're on the topic... a reminder for all of us that taking care of yourself and feeding the body you live in is a million times more important than aesthetics and numbers on a scale. ❤)

Menstruation — I am still getting my period right on schedule, but I am happy to say it is considerably lighter than it was before I started testosterone! My period has begun getting shorter, too. It lasted for roughly 7–9 days before, but I was bleeding for exactly 7 days last month, and only 6 days this month. I'm not sure if this trend will continue at such a dramatic rate, but if my next round is only 5 days I will be very excited about it, lol. My uterus can retire any day now, please...

Bottom Growth — if any of my friends read this part, don't speak to me about it lmao — Yeah... there's a little bit of something happening down there. Not a lot, and I haven't really noticed any pain or sensitivity, but there's a Difference. Aaaaand I like it. 😌 I am looking forward to any and all future developments. 😏👉🏻👉🏻

Okay! I think that's it, really.

I know I haven't been super active on this blog for quite a while now (I have really gotten into fandom blogging on my main lmao, and also discord is my favorite thing right now, it's where 90% of my friends live) so I hope this nice, long, ramble-y post makes up for that a little bit. <3

Not gonna make any promises that I'll post here more often, but y'know. I might. It could happen. Definitely not leaving this blog to sit and gather dust, that's for sure. I'll still be reblogging stuff semi-frequently, even if I'm not writing up my own posts.

So goodbye for now, and thanks for tuning in! 👋🏻📻💖💙✨️

[pyroreadscomics]

What are your thoughts about Howard's Catwoman run?

The run being really gay doesn't save the writing from being really mediocre.

(More nuance below the cut)

Well that was snappy, unfortunately my thoughts are many and complicated and probably won't be entirely ironed out until a few months after she leaves the book or I reread the run again, or both. That phrase was something I said while reading through the series for the first time a some months ago that I still mostly stand by, but now feel the need to caveat and add nuance.

(Also, it feels weird that, because I put off answering this for months, the end of Howard’s run is just a few months away now, but I’m just going to assume the ending is neither so good it retroactively makes everything better or so bad it tanks the run with guilt by association)

When I say mediocre, I very specifically don't mean bad. I'm using mediocre to mean it's average, ordinary, of moderate quality. Not bad enough to hate, or even particularly dislike, but not good enough for me to shed a tear if it was suddenly canceled (which… seeing as it’s end is now on the horizon… I’m actually filled with anticipation as to what comes next.)

And like many multi-year runs, Howard's Catwoman has had it's ups and downs while it's low points are i think widely known: Her dialogue tends towards what i can only describe as AO3 generic, the plotting itself is sub-par, Gotham War disappointing even though there was no way to go into it with high expectations (joint effort i know, but even taking only half blame for it Tini Howard doesn't come out of that event looking remotely well), and I have an entire rant ready for how I dislike how Black Mask is used in that series.

1. The reintroduction of Eiko

But, that said, at this moment I do feel like calling out some highlights of Howard's run (or at least, the bits of it I really liked.)

Also yes, alot of this could be considered fanservice, but I’m at least acknowledging that things that make me happy don’t inherently make a run good. (but at least more enjoyable to slog through than Tom King’s batman or most of her New 52 stuff)

Okay, let me be clear, Eiko in this run is a shadow of her debut in Valentine's run but Selina's supporting cast has a worrying tendency to disappear without a trace after one, max two runs, so damn if it wasn't nice to see Eiko suddenly reappear in a major role in the Catwoman run after a 6 year absence and not have her confined to the dustbin of comic history alongside other Catwoman supporting cast members such as Gwen, Alice, Zee, Clutterbuck, Wilder, Arizona, and Cassandra Cartland (If you knew every single person i mentioned without having to check, I like you, and you like me also know too much about Catwoman)

If nothing else, if Eiko's appearances in this comic, and her guest appearances in other current Gotham stories (like Punchline: Gotham Game or Ram V's excellent Gotham Nocturne) manage to cement her as a persistent part of Catwoman's cast, this run will have done enough for me to earn a passing grade.

Also I like Eiko's new catsuit and not just because it makes it easier to tell her apart from Selina

2. Catwoman #43 & #44 (The Harley Quinn two parter)

Judging by the mood in the room, If anything gets me an angry response it's going to be this.

It's fun, it was a fun two parter, and honestly there are times when I wish more writers would stop trying to do the high drama stories they're kinda bad and instead write fun inconsequential side stories.

Also yes I do ship it. What of it?

Actually speaking of

3. The queerness.

It’s not a lot, but for a character who’s been out as bi since 2015 Selina is never written that way (at least in the main comics, I understand the HQ show and the recent movies have either explicitly or implicitly had bi Selina). Like it’s so bad Selina doesn’t even get pride tie in stuff, no appearances in the pride anthologies or even pride variant cover. JFC Nightwing gets one every year and last time i checked he was still canonical cishet. And… a bit like Eiko, but less important, it’s nice to have another run where Catwoman is canonically queer. Selina acknowledging Eiko as an ex, flirting with other women, that Selina and Harley sharing a bed scene. It’s just nice to have that part of Selina’s character acknowledged.

Also it’s so minor but the gay bar called Conroy’s got me just a bit.

4. Knight Terrors

On balance, despite me having criticisms of it, I did like it as a version of “What does Selina’s worst nightmares look like”. It’s not quite as good as Devin Grayson’s take on the matter (and ain’t that a sentence) but I’m a big fan of Selina’s mind dark fears conjuring force a lot of catholic imagery and doing something actually interesting with the Sister Zero concept. (It’s really just a shame that this story is clearly setting something up for Gotham War that never actually gets paid off, which is wild considering that was literally the month after Knight Terrors)

Lastly:

5. Valmont

Look, I really liked Valmont for two reasons, one of which is superficial, one of which actually had thought put into it.

Superficially: Selina deserves a whipped subby bisexual twink, as treat. Sure he's a cocky asshole, sure he looks like pirate au ghostmaker, sure he's ready to murder anyone who looks like a threat to his dom love (and honestly anyone in general), but honestly that's all part of the charm.

Because Bruce, as the whole wedding thing shows, is big on these concrete declarations of affection, even as he’s really bad at actually expressing his affection in more casual ways. And Eiko, as she says, is “comfortable with these declarations, names. Things like titles and vows.” So in dating either of them Selina would be consenting being put into a box and labeled, even if it's a box as unconstrained as “dating” and a label as loose as “girlfriend”.

But, putting a bit of thought into things, Valmont has this really interesting role in the story. He's the obviously incorrect choice in a love triangle, but also the one who Selina would pick anyway.

Like, the issue before he dies the story teases a bit of romance with Bruce and Selina, and earlier there were some teases (or.. maybe acknowledgement is the right word?) between Selina and Eiko. There's two existing love interests for Selina, Bruce, who's the moral and safe choice, the wedding bells and gaggle of step kids choice. And there's Eiko, who's a major crime lord, one who's conducting business with some of the worst in Gotham. If it was just the two of them (especially if Eiko was closer to her Valentine personality), it'd be a pretty classic "the good boy and the bad boy girl" love triangle but Valmont is here, and he adds an interesting angle onto that love triangle(?) (is it still a triangle when there's three potential lover interests?).

(A reversal on Eiko and Selina’s very undefined relationship in Valentine’s run, which could be seen as divergence for the character but also kinda makes sense. With Eiko ending that run by shedding Catwoman (and identity that embodied personal freedom and also rebellion against her father) to become the head of the Hagisawa family (an identity marked by responsibility to the family and her place as her father’s heir) that going forward she’d be a lot less likely to engage in a nebulous undefined relationship when her life is now, by choice, very defined. It’s still however one of those things that assumes a non-zero amount of character development happened off screen.)

But Valmont? Valmont doesn’t ask anything *of* Selina.

Sure he does initially, “hey here’s this cat, I know where you live, join my thieves guild”. But this tactic gets him shot down by Selina and at best relegated to “untrusted ally” status (and more likely “useful but dangerous”). But after this, and after a brief break during the CatQuinn two-parter, Valmont’s back with a new tactic called “I’ll do literally anything you ask of me, including stopping killing people, and ask for nothing in return.” Which… with Selina being somewhat adverse to long term commitment (or commitment in general depending on the writer) this works.

Valmont’s hardly a healthier romantic option (he might not be the worst person Selina’s ever dated, but he’s still at the end of the day an arrogant invasive assassin) but he puts a spin on himself that makes Selina let her guard down around him and they do eventually become some vaguely undefined item.

And then in his final issue, Bruce accuses him of still being loyal to the league of assassins and of manipulating Selina. Then he kills again in the process of undoing a problem he caused, and gets in a big fight with Bruce about it. And when Valmont goes to kill Bruce, she kills Valmont which… It’s a weird moment for Selina, she’s normally very reserved about killing people and while yes needing to save Bruce could theoretically push her far enough. But also, it’s the best thing this run could do with Valmont.

Because Bruce’s accusations (along with Valmont’s general sketchiness) lead to this question with Valmont: does he genuinely love Selina, or is he using her for some unknown end? Because he know what he’s naturally like (down with murder) and we know he’s changed his behavior, but we don’t know whether it was because he wanted to be with Selina enough to change himself for that chance (which… understandable) or, if he was on some deep cover mission to manipulate Selina towards and he changed behavior in order to further his own covert ends. And… imo the possibility of it being one or the other is more interesting than any story you could get out of committing one way or the other.

And by killing Valmont, the run gets out of having to answer this question, which, again imo, is the most intelligent narrative decision this run made aside from bringing back Eiko.

That said, If in the last two issues Howard answers the question of “what really was up with Valmont” I’m retroactively taking back all of this praise and will be downgrading this run to "of poor quality but at least Eiko's here"

[fushiglow]

Me: 'aw no i shouldnt read a fic set in the music industry, it'll get me sad about abandoning my own dreams; nope nuhuh, apologies, moving on' -> fast forward a few weeks -> i see ur fic pop up every now n then on both ao3 n tmblr, tempting me to read it -> fast forward again, it's tday -> i end up caving in eventually when i see it on my dash again; checked out the first chapter while having lunch earlier. Got H o o k e d by ur narrative. And so i inhaled two more chaptrs a sec ago while commuting back home aaaaand lil old me proceeded to be WILDLY inspired by ch4 shenanigans and immediately i >Needed< to relisten to the Liszt performance, seeing it anew yet again, and then also dug up some soundtracks i made once upon a time when id been fooling around w the idea of expressing myself thru music -> fast forward again, im home now, n getting all giddy ab it, cheeks flushed n feeling alive, i tell u - im about to dust my piano n just smash at the keys for the till-now-abandoned fun of it, first time in forever. (It won't be good, but it'll be real, it'll be me.) I just. I feel the raw emotion in your fic and it made my heart pound while reading it. You >get it< jfc. (Also satosugu n others work So Well in ur story, so in character, u make it look so natural, as if jjk had always been ab music production and not a grimdark shounen). I only just finished the 4th chapter and im not caught up yet, but i couldnt have waited to tell u my thoughts so. There goes!! ((Also even months later im still deeply wounded by canon so i feel like im irrevocably dysregulated when it comes to engaging w satosugu haha, apologies if i come off strong. U just combined two passions of mine into one fic and im feeling So Fucking Grateful i wanna kiss u on the forehead and bless u for seven generations forward. Again - i havent yet finished what u've already dished out (bless ur soul for posting ur work holyhell) so ima come back when i have more unhinged thoughts as i read. Your writing is so On Point i can't contain myself (my heart is singing w joy because when i connect w the writing style i connect HARD. And lemme tell u, your style is both intense and light and professional and that's my fav combo, ima go n cry over my piano now bye. Until next time, ily sm) (also sorry about this longass ask, it was meant to be a oneliner but it got away from me bc.. Emotions, damn) -royce

Oh... Um...

Excuse me while I fucking cry over MY piano, what the actual fuck 😭 I think this is the biggest compliment I could possibly receive, you have NO FUCKING IDEA how happy it makes me to read that my fic inspired you to sit down at the piano again, holy shit???

cheeks flushed n feeling alive, i tell u - im about to dust my piano n just smash at the keys for the till-now-abandoned fun of it, first time in forever. (It won't be good, but it'll be real, it'll be me.)

I am sobbing and kicking my feet all at once at this image, I love you I love you I love you. Please tell me, how did it go?? Did you have fun? Did it feel good? God, I hope it did!!! 😭

I started writing this fic to heal some of my own hurt about leaving a career in music behind, so I'm writing this for people like you and me. You're my ideal reader and you couldn't POSSIBLY come off too strong. PLEASE come back with your unhinged thoughts, I will gladly scream with you about this — in fact, I'm desperate to do exactly that!

Royce, you're everything. Thank you so much for all your lovely words about my writing too, this soothes all of my doubts about deciding to post something so deeply self-indulgent all those months ago. This is for YOU 🫶

as if jjk had always been ab music production and not a grimdark shounen

Also, what do you mean? That's what it's about, isn't it? 👀

[jayflrt]

lol about your post on fate+… i agree!!! long ass rant incoming 😭

first of all, the tour is very rushed. yes ik the boys have been hinting at it since their LA show back in october but announcing the tour the day after the last show of the regular fate tour and giving engenes only a week for ticketing is wild. but kpop companies have caught on that many fans will spend $$$ to see their idols and will gather up money somehow even with a few days notice. it’s so ughhh because it brings me to my next point.

the ticket pricing 🙄🙄 wdym nyc show VIP1 was $700+ with fees. and no benefits with the VIP package were announced so nobody including the arena staff know if send off is included. (i hope it isn’t cause goddamn after that first LA show it was a mess) ive never gotten VIP/GA tickets for any concert ever because i only started working a year and a half ago and just personally don’t think it’s worth it for me considering i make minimum wage at the moment. but i spent $150 without fees fate in newark for a pretty good seat at prudential. however for UBS ticketing today, seats just as good were $250-$300. like i get it’s a diff arena so diff pricing but DAMN? luckily i was able to snag $150 tickets towards the back of the 100s section but damn why is there a $100 upcharge for sitting like a few rows in front…bffr hybe. i went to see txt at UBS last year and the seats in the same area i sat in for that concert were $300+ today 😭😭😭 concerts in general are getting more and more expensive and it sucksss!!! but like i said, kpop companies know kpop stans will buy no matter the price so they unashamedly increase prices with each subsequent tour. that’s def why some groups are touring 24/7…and enha is def gonna become that group for hybe considering their international success is crazy. i have a feeling they plan to push txt more in korea and enha more internationally so enha is gonna keep on touring and touring.

i personally believe that even $200 w/ fees is kinda pushing it for a concert even it means a good view! but you can’t get good concert tickets for cheaper with any artist (why are drake tickets like $300 for nosebleeds)

my third point is rest 😭 for the sake of the boys health, the tour should be starting in late summer/early fall and with dates more spaced out. there was so much discourse on twitter about whether the tour should be boycotted or not. i felt really guilty even considering buying tickets cause of it. imo i believe that a boycott would only hurt the boys more. it’s ok to want to go see them. HOWEVER, belift/hybe should be giving the boys some time to rest because jfc they’re also comparing for a comeback. i hope the boys get AT LEAST a week without intense practices and constant filming. a month long rest is ideal but it’s not realistic knowing their management. i really really hope all goes well this tour and the boys stay healthy. jay my pookie wookie also seemed so excited to go to tacoma, even if it’s for a day so i hope he can visit his old hometown 😫😫

and with the large influx of y/n interaction loving engenes (ik i can’t talk because im sending this to a fic blog on tumblr.com) i hope the boys don’t have to deal with the same type of bullshit they did during this last tour. it’s inevitable tho, so many people are getting into enha because they do a lot of fanservice these days. i really want to know if they flirt 24/7 on weverse because it’s entertaining to watch the aftermath or because their management really wants to push the parasocial thing with them. makes sense if it’s the management tho considering send off was very interactive (a lot of the tiktoks of it went virallll) + the boys are constantly on vlive and making flirty comments these days (sunghoon when i catch u)

right??? i loveddd the fate tour and there was plenty of time between the announcement and the actual purchasing of tickets, if i remember correctly. but today was just a mess!!! :/ how have they not realized that some engenes need more than a week to prepare and come up with the money to attend, like i had friends selling photocard collections just to buy tickets 😭 but yeah ultimately just had to dish out money from their own pockets

i believe they all have send off now (i was buying vip1 tickets for my friends and it said so on the package) but i was shocked that they even had send off still after how bad it was last time 😭😭 (to be fair i think send off was rlly nice in la tho so fingers crossed they find a big space again to hold it in) but god it makes me so sad to hear that they're just running enha dry with tour after tour 😭 and right!!! there was literally a $200+ service fee?? that's literally the price of another ticket like wtf

honestly i don't think a boycott would help. i think it could if everyone committed to it, but the moment people mentioned it i knew it wasn't happening because people aren't actually willing to give up on seeing enha. realistically there's not even much of a point to the tour considering they have like 4 new songs?? svt hasn't toured in the us since be the sun and they're gonna have two albums of songs for their next tour now. i just wish belift would let enha space out their tours like that 💔 but!! i will say i am glad that jay gets to tour in his hometown in all this

LOL it is ironic to say that to a reader insert writer but it is more of a nameless oc insert for me!!! 🥲 but i totally get what you mean, there's so many engenes who only care about interactions and "y/n moments" like this girl literally shoved me during the fate tour when they came down the aisles??? 💀 like girl chill u can have heeseung omg 🚶‍♂️ no i'm not gonna lie i think the y/n stans on twitter have fallen victim to the parasocial relationship HARD and it feels like it all started because of the fate tour too 😭 it also doesn't help that belift pushes them to fit this perfect boyfriend image with the whole "dating my fans" kind of thing. i was sooo done with them after everyone started posting their selca days for jungwon's birthday like jfc 😭😭

[krysmcscience]

Followers, feel free to ignore this, it's not art or writing or even really anything interesting.

If you clicked in, anyway, it is also not aimed at any of my IRL friends or followers (unless one of my followers is not who they claim to be, I guess?). Anyway, it's literally just venting bullshit. Feel free to click back out, there aren't even any details that could lead you back to anyone involved.

It's wild that I spent six months talking on and off with someone who turned out to believe that a few months of miscommunication and poorly set boundaries, followed by some arguments and disagreements about it, all interspersed with private IRL venting is a reason to blow up several friendships and go on a warpath. Like. Bruh. Sometimes people tell white lies to be polite. Sometimes people change their minds about stuff with new information. Sometimes people learn new things about what upsets them. And sometimes people vent in private about things that bother them about someone else (friends included). That doesn't mean they're actively plotting to do harm, or two-faced, or back-stabbing, or the worst thing ever in existence. This is. Literally just how humans socialize??? In reality??? Sometimes you just accidentally hurt one another, accept that mistakes were made, and make up afterward so you don't wind up abysmally lonely!

Loved looking through all their "receipts" of all the "wrong" that was done and being like, dang, most of this just looks like standard boring clashes between friends that could easily be mitigated with healthy communication, actually??? Along with a bunch of words exchanged by two people who blew up on each other and now clearly don't want to talk anymore??? And yet they've posited it like it's some huge "gotcha", with scribbled commentary mixed in on the side, as if their ex friend is a True Monster rather than a normal person who makes mistakes. JFC, it's just demented. (And, in standard form, it's all cherrypicked! No real context aside from their own narrative and warped perception! And no admissions of their own wrongdoing! They even lied about not being into NC/SA despite drawing so much horny shit for it! I mean, I knew it would pan out this way, but good gravy, the lack of awareness there??? Unreal.)

Also apparently they don't realize that constructive conversations about some things they have grievances with can and do happen without them being or needing to be told about it, either, because all of the actual wrongs they had receipts for were genuine mistakes or newly realized hard boundaries that have either already been addressed or are being addressed IRL. Although, them posting those actual wrongs definitely violated a very hard boundary set in place by another person on the sidelines who didn't even want to be involved, so, hmm, that's fun.

Very telling in the end that they couldn't respect all the blocks put in place. But of course, it's only okay if they trample on boundaries. Clearly only their boundaries and desperate need for validation and attention matter. Also very telling that they tried to air all their shit out publicly despite everyone else involved staying almost completely silent about it and otherwise keeping it fully anonymous. But of course, it's only okay if they disrespect other people. Clearly that makes it okay to drag in unrelated parties who never asked or cared to be involved and just wanted to have some nice relaxing internet time. Also very telling that they ignored the very simple fact that they and I were mutuals (up until literally three days ago), and thus their shittalking kept winding up on my dashboard, which I initially tolerated (until they got usernames and then me involved) because people are allowed to be hurt and vent about it even if I disagree with their takes on what happened. But of course, they're not ever allowed to be wrong. Clearly I must be a weird creepy lurker, instead, who never does any self reflection despite having actual diagnosed social anxiety that forces me to question my every last action.

If the person in question happens to be reading, follow your own fucking advice, quit Actually Lurking, and get help. Proper help, because if you're seeing a therapist already, clearly they can't cotton on to how you go to extreme lengths to avoid revealing anything that might reflect negatively on you, which explains why your cherrypicked receipts still have none of the hateful screaming of yours that I personally read, or any of the really callous things you wrote in your tags after the fact. I'm willing to bet you're over there patting yourself on the back thinking your target stepped in it by deleting those comments, too, because that's just how you are, but here's a reality check: You took it too far. You put up your private conversations with their spouse for anyone to see, despite that you definitely did not have permission to do that from said spouse, Your Actual Friend, who would NOT want that shit online under ANY circumstances. I don't even need to ask to be sure about that, either. And you should know exactly why what you chose to do is a problem.

Oh, and here's another fun reality check: If you can't figure out the bare basics of even the simplest character (and you can't, this has been established, I literally had to spell out an obvious homophobic dog whistle for you), what makes you think you're qualified to assess and diagnose an actual living person who is infinitely more complicated than a fictional character? Because if you actually think you are, you are quite literally delusional. You are not living in the same reality as everyone else. You know all of the words, yet none of their substance.

Now go away. I made it very clear that you are not welcome anywhere in my life the moment I blocked you. You've willfully spat in the face of my honest attempts to help you, and successfully burned all bridges with me, so I want nothing more to do with you. Look upon your scorched earth and enjoy the smoke you've gained from it.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

(Note: All of these asks are before episode 206 (Season 2 finale) so some may be dated.) 1. ok but I love Rachel spent the latter half of 2021 being like ooooh Kronos is coming back!! this is a big deal!! only to timeskip ten years and NOTHING happened. like wow even Kronos isn't a big deal when it comes to how totally not pathetic Persephone is as a 30+ year old doing no work and only being obsessed with a guy she knew for a month. literal masterclass in awful writing. It's almost impressive how bad it is.

2. Deadass I don't even get why RS is like oh yeh nymphs and other creatures should be second class citizens but they're also all "trash" and thus its good and even encouraged to abuse and mistreat them. like yeah that's what was missing, racism where the marginalized group are evil and "deserve" to be abused and mistreated by those with all the power over them. THAT's what mythology was so sorely missing.  jfc. I know a lot of the WT staff are white people and so is Rachel but wtf???

3. It's quite funny how a woman old enough to be my mother cannot draw or write worth shit and there are literal teenagers on this website who are a thousand times the artist and writer she could ever hope to be.

4. This isn’t me trying to be mean but like, why is everything from the book covers to the official merch so ,.. cheap looking? Like these are supposed professionals, not Rachel, doing it, yet they’re still so poorly designed and crafted. It doesn’t help the images Rachel gives time to work with are all in the rushed, ugly style now either 😪

5. I just find it funny that every time an LO fan or even WT promotes it its like ... they ONLY use art from the first 10-ish episodes at best. Like yall, that was over four years ago, why aren't you using current art to be more accurate? Like it's kinda telling on themselves they know the quality declined rapidly after the first few months but are like "just ignore that! look at this three good panels from 2018!"

6. I HATE those panels where RS tries to be anatomically correct to IRL humans and its like omg they look even worse (and are still wildly wrong anyway?? She cannot draw heads to save her life for real). Like lady just work within your stylization, there's a reason people picked up your work off what it used to be versus what it is now.

7. this isnt necessarily LO based but I do find it crazy how people like RS and her fans viewed the original hymn like ugh Demeter is such a bitch why wouldnt she be happy Hades married her daughter like .... you guys are aware ancient brides tended to be married at 14, right? maybe that's why Demeter was pissed and creeped out by him. They're so blinded by their fantasy of this "perfect Hades" that never existed over the truth of a mother defending her literal CHILD.

8. Zeus is objectively the only hot man on cast because he actually has a personality, fashion sense, and pretty hair meanwhile Hades just looks like a dusty old man with zero drip and a million and one red flags 🫣

9. "This style of story telling" what style? just lying and making everything up to where it matches nothing in mythology? my god, she's so concerned over looking like a clever writer who has everything planned out and knows more than anyone else (including actual greeks??? ma'am) over actually telling a decent story. ive never seen someone so self conscious about being perceived as a "real writer" before.

10. Why even use mythology when you won't keep any of the stories true to how they were, change all the relationships, and just make up whatever else instead? At that point just go "this was inspired by the greek myths" and use your own OCs, not claiming you're telling an accurate story with a ton of research put into it. Rachel really just wants to have her cake and eat it too, huh?

[g-kat423]

I’m starting to get really pissed off at menstrual cups. I’ve been using diva cup for six years and never had any issues until a couple of months ago. I know how to properly insert a cup and make sure that it’s opened and suctioned, but the past few periods I’ve noticed it’s like I’m bleeding around the cup. I’ll start having major leakage which stains clothing and sometimes furniture and then when I take the cup out I see that very little is collected so it’s not as if it’s overflowing. Of course it’s the worst on my heavy flow days but towards the end of my period the cup seems to be fine when I hardly need it. I thought maybe it might be time to switch to the largest model, perhaps my anatomy had changed a bit from how it was in my 20’s and maybe my vaginal canal is a bit wider. So I get the model 2 diva cup, start my period today, and the same exact thing is happening my shorts are soaked in blood. Thank god they’re black but jfc I’d really rather not have to switch back to pads and tampons because I prefer the safety of the cup and how it used to make me feel as though I wasn’t even on my period vs having to deal with racing to change tampons every couple hours and sleeping on a pad at night that wouldn’t do the best job at keeping everything contained. It’s just not making sense how the blood is going around the cup when I make sure that it’s around my cervix the way it’s supposed to be like I’m about to go dig around in there and see wtf is up and I better not see any more leakage today. I used to be able to go 8 hours without having to empty the cup on my heavy flow days and 12 on the lighter days and all with no leakage so this is ridiculous and diva cup isn’t exactly cheap. You save money in the long run since you don’t need to buy period supplies every month but like this is my 3rd one in 6 years (the first one I had for 2 but I lost it when moving out of my first apartment) the second one I had for 4 and I only got this new cup because I thought I needed a bigger model to accommodate my anatomy and heavy flow. If it doesn’t improve within a couple period cycles I think I might just invest in some period underwear because I really don’t want to deal with pads, even the reusable ones and I don’t want to go back to tampons at all they irritate my vagina.

[summerpoison]

Whining under the cut.  Burnout, depression, super high anxiety.

Things were fine a week ago at the end of September, but now that October came around I’ve been a mess. Work has been going great generally, but I feel panicky and struggle with prioritizing. 

Was so close to applying for therapy last month or so but didn’t do it (”””because it wasn’t bad enough””” to be important enough to take the time out to do it) and now that’s biting me in the butt. VERY certain I have ADHD or trauma-related ADHD symptoms and should definitely get diagnosed.

Anxiety got so bad I had a panic attack on saturday because I thought I didn’t book a Hotel (I did, everything was fine), ex was (to no one’s suprise) not very understanding but kind of weirded out by it and then teased me about it the next day like “Oh, and by the way, did you book that hotel??” My guy stfu please and thank you. Depression and burnout going hand in hand, no energy whatsoever, only guilt and the inability to rest. I’m constantly thinking about to-do’s and my heart is racing for no reason (there is a reason, it’s called stress) and jfc I get so self-concious about the stress that it turns into being stressed about the stress!!! Like, my body is literally freaking out (I’m pretty sure I’ve had a stress fever the last couple days) and not to mention all the side-symptoms like my skin-picking getting worse or my lack of appetite/lack of interest.  A few things holding me over the water but fuck I’m a mess lately -- and so is my apartment. Ngl it’s so bad and it’s making everything else worse, you know? If I’d only be depressed in a clean apartment than it would be easier to handle but no. Dirty dishes everywhere, plants close to dying, some already died (not the ones I care about thankfully) and the floor... let’s not talk about the floor lmao. Personal hygine is... okay I guess, I take showers regularly and wash my hair even if I sometimes don’t brush it and only put it into a messy bun (sidenote hair loss!! Either I’m freakying out over nothing or I legit have stress related hairloss because I can just run my hand OVER MY HEAD and have like 2-4 hairs in my hand immediately even after a shower and even after brushing so???) Also brushing my teeth is an issue but I try to at least chew some gum or something but last time I didn’t brush my teeth for a week I think? And when I told my ex I’d be in the bathroom to brush them he was so surprised and kinda weird about it like “Well, I don’t know why you suddenly have to brush your teeth but fine I guess??” MY GUY HOW ABOUT YOU STOP COMMENTING ON MY SHIT JESUS CHRIST it’s bad enough I can’t go anyway IN THE HOUSE without him going “Where are you going?? Why?? Why again? You just went to XYZ” like LEAVE ME TF ALONE So yeah. I’ll try to kinda get through the week and pull myself out even though I feel like reverting back to snail and isolating in solitary confinement where some entity feeds me three times a day and makes sure I drink enough so my body doesn’t give up on me. Yes I’m thinking about both a clinic and subspace. Maybe if I could just stop thinking for a while I might calm down but well. Can’t have everything can we. I’m so fed up with my own shit, that I’m letting this stuff happen to me and that I’m bottling up so many of those things and god it’s about to blow up in my face I can just tell. I’ll keep you all updated as things progress.

[electrictoes]

so seeing now the photo stills from tonight episode Amanda is back at work already???! I am confused at the timeline at this point because we know she was shot on Sept. 16th, now unless they're like, in November (and that's already be generous with her recovery time because jfc a shot in the abdomen is a bitch to recover from) how can she be already back full duty? because they don't look like to be in the middle of Nov they're wearing light jackets at best and doesn't make any sense for the second episode to be based in Nov. Unless, which I find even weirder, this episode happens BEFORE the shooting? but I don't really think so. ugh who knows!

And also, if she's back to work and we all saw her a few days ago too still filming while being a detective, why on earth she decide to leave after coming back from the shooting? what will prompt her to decide to stop working at svu after being back for a while/few months? the only thing that I kind of fear (because I didn't want it to be played like that if it would have come to it, but way better) is a pregnancy announce in the last episodes and like, now she's scared to be shot again and also she's older so it's an already at-risk-pregnancy bla bla bla. I hope it's something else and planned better at least, Kelli deserves it as much. I don't know, we'll see tonight in which time date we are lol

I think the mothership screwed up the timeline because in the episode Liv specifically says "six weeks", so my guess is she was actually shot in mid-August and the timeline's off. This message was sent pre-episode so you probably already know how it was played out - it seems like she's on some sort of light duties, at least. And honestly now I'm back to thinking the pregnancy storyline is less likely -which is my preference, so maybe I'm projecting. But it felt like the seeds were sown for Amanda dealing with her trauma, that growing over time, and for her thinking about how much more she has to lose now, with the girls and with Sonny - I think (hope) we're heading for a career change that doesn't compromise her happiness. Maybe to another unit, maybe to some sort of victim advocacy. Having watched the new episode I have renewed faith in the writers, particularly as David Graziano seems to be handling the characters with real heart, and hopefully they'll write the ending she deserves - we already know Kelli will deliver, whatever they give her.

[thecherrygod]

//

[phoenixyfriend]

Thoughts on “Auntie Soka and Little Leia” now that I’ve actually got it posted:

Call it a director’s cut! The process of actually writing the thing, and also jokes made along the way. Link to the actual fic.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy for image descriptions, even the text screenshots. Might come back that later. Most of this was DMs with @atagotiak​.

This was an entire thing before I even started writing:

Before I decided on ages and stuff Ahsoka, to Jango, who has had zero contact with Kaminoans: Okay I know I'm a Jedi kid so you hate me but this toddler is your clone from the future. Jango, tired: What the FUCK are you talking about. Rex, barely able to talk: Don't you dare leave me with him, Commander! Ahsoka: I'm not going to leave you I just--I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I haven't slept in five days and someone tried to kidnap Leia two days ago I am so fucking tired I need help

Ben: [twenty years of depression followed by a 'now I'm safe' breakdown over the course of weeks] Sokari: [whatever the FUCK this mess is]

When Ahsoka mentions there only being three other Jedi at the time of her death,  I was thinking Kanan, Yoda, and Obi-Wan (Leia told her about the latter two living past her). She's not counting anyone that received training after the Temple fell, and she didn’t know about Cal.

When Leia says  “I was adopted and raised by one of the founders of the rebellion, a movement built on the desire to instate freedom and democracy in a galaxy that had lost even the pretense.”

Depa: I'm no therapist but I diagnose you with "incredibly fucked up." Ahsoka: yeah, that’s fair

"Why did you pick Depa for--" She's pretty and I'm gay. Also because of the Kanan thing But mostly I'm gay "It's not a visual medi--" GAY

Empty of context beyond general post-fic AU: "Hey Sokari, we need to engage in psychological warfare against this individual and--" "I'm going to break into his office and leave a threatening note on his desk and leave no other sign that I was there. He'll see that his security is nothing and the only reason he isn't dead is because I'm too nice to kill him." "...okay, not what we were planning, but that works. Why is that your first choice?" "I really like breaking and entering, it's soothing." Ben just standing there with a bland smile like This Is Normal.

"We need someone to infiltrate a highly guarded facility in hostile territory." "So we're sending the Torrent kids?" [sigh] "We're sending the Torrent kids."

Rex and Sokari insist on both going by "Torrent" even though Rex could be a Fett. Jango really wants him to be a Fett. Rex has too many grudges to agree to being a Fett for... a while.

I really hope it's blatantly obvious that Ahsoka's not a reliable narrator for some things Ahsoka: Fett could care less if I died Jango: jfc even if you are older than me I can see you're fucked up. Drink your hot chocolate. Hells. She's got good reason to expect him to hate her as a Jedi! BUT. THAT IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF REALITY

We don’t get a lot of actual characterization for Jango, but the way I played him out here is he has never really parsed that Jedi are people before all this. It's a lot harder to treat them as a monolith when the traumatized former child soldier is having regular breakdowns in your shitty little kitchen

Fett: I respect you Ahsoka: No, don't do that

Ahsoka’s vigilantism is something that, in my mind, she's associating heavily with Zygerria and then the clones.

I figured that she never bothered to learn Quinlan’s teacher’s name but in the process of looking up some basic facts (whether he had a surname), I found that Wookiepedia was forced to give us a VERY wide range of possible death in Legends.

Please take a moment to imagine Quinlan's FACE when Ahsoka initially dismisses him. Quinlan has put a lot of effort into being rogueishly charming! It's very useful for his line of work! He knows to expect either irritation or a return flirtation when he acts like this with people his own age! Ahsoka is not flustered OR rolling her eyes and insulting him, she's just ignoring him and it's a bit of a blow to the ego

This just makes me really happy:

This was the initial comment I made, as a joke What if Maul is just. There. On one of the planets they make a pitstop at. What if Maul exists as the walking problem he is, but fifteen, and Ahsoka immediately tries to kick his ass and drag him back to Coruscant. I do not have room for this plot but What If

Despite not having room for this plot, I proceeded to write this plot.

Maul is kidnapped and it’s the best thing that ever happened to him HE'S FIFTEEN HE'S DUMB AS SHIT AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE AND YEAH HE'S A DARKSIDER BUT HE'S FIFTEEN

Ahsoka: I sense... Maul [takes off sprinting] Rex: [immediately takes Jango's blaster and runs after her] Jango: Wait who Tholme: Who Quinlan: Who Jango: [looks at Leia] Leia: I don't know who that is either! Ahsoka, already wrestling a teenager to the ground: Oh no, you're a child, REX STUN HIM AND GRAB THE CUFFS, I'M SURE FETT OR THOLME HAS SOME

Fighting him isn't even legal, they have NO evidence of criminal wrongdoing, so first she needs to yell until he admits to something she can fight him about

Ahsoka: When I see Maul, it's on SIGHT Maul: WHO ARE YOU

Ahsoka: The Force didn't give me hands just to NOT throw them when I run into That Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Ben, when they arrive, after the tearful reunion: You... you brought Maul. Ahsoka: Well, yeah, he's fifteen and kinda dumb. I figured we could drag him here and force him into therapy, see what happens. Ben: I can't quite tell through the gag, but I think he's threatening to feed you your own spleen. Ahsoka: Lol, yeah.

Ben is absolutely on team "get Maul therapy" and will fight the Council on rehabilitating the baby Sith But also it's like. Here's your daughter! And your niece! And your daughter's QPP! Also your best friend, but baby, and his teacher, and the biological origin of a number of people you cared for deeply! AND ALSO THE GUY WHO SPENT LITERAL DECADES CRAVING YOUR DEATH, FOR SOME REASON

I just really want Ahsoka lovingly bullying Maul She gives him noogies and the horns don't protect him because girl has reinforced gloves

Maul's only allowed a low-power training saber and his fights with Sokari involve Much Taunting by her and Eventual Screaming by him, and everyone pops by to see: 1. Sokari doing the most absurd flips, for fun. 2. The bullshit that is ataru-shien reverse-grip jar'kai in the hands of someone who makes it work 3. What a Sith lightsaber form looks like 4. Just the general nonsense that is the way these two fight

Tia said “Wrt ridiculous flips. I'm remembering that time she beheaded four Kryst'ad at once.” and I just Rex brings up the quadruple beheading at one point to get someone to stop asking questions and the awkward, horrified silence almost makes him regret it. And then Sokari just snorts and makes a joke about how Rex once speared a slaver point-blank and everyone's just like hello??? "are you two okay" "no"

Maul absolutely starts crushing on Sokari after a 'sword under chin' moment and she's just very "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you're fifteen, bye" GO MAKE PUPPY EYES AT OBI-WAN OR SOMETHING

The crushes are the worst part of everything, really, she's an attractive young woman that can kick a lot of ass, and a lot of people are into that! Unfortunately, most of those people are a decade younger than she is, mentally, because all the people her actual age look at her and see a child on account of the 17yo body.

It’s almost a good thing she’s in no place mentally for a relationship.

I just want Ahsoka to wear beskar.... I think that would be Nice........

This AU is also what caused this post.

I'm deeply enamored by the idea that Ahsoka can win fights against "older" padawans pretty much unilaterally, even when they team up 2v1 And then she offers to fight 5v1 "But only if I have permission to fight dirty." Ben approves it, a horror show full of "I fought many wars and will scream in your face or kick you in the balls if that's what it takes" follows She wins. There are no permanent injuries, but her reputation certainly gets weirder. Nobody under the rank of Knight agrees to let her fight dirty again. She just lets that stand because, well, she's not actually a padawan, she's thirty-three.

I’m not going to write this but my brain was EVIL and suggested it:

IT WOULD BE REALLY SAD IDK maybe 9yo Anakin has nightmares about what's happening to baby Ahsoka because bullshit about time-traveling force bonds IDK ANYWAY he cries to Sokari about the nightmares and she's like "oh shit" and it's time to go rescue herself from motherfucker unlimited

It's either that or she's like, expecting to welcome mini-me aaaany day now, for like, several months, before she realizes Something Went Wrong. Anakin’s dreams could even start right as she’s starting to realize something’s off.

Obi-Wan has never had a padawan that doesn't at some point bite Even Luke will, when pushed

OH also once the twins get Baby's First Lightsaber (training sabers, not real kyber), Sokari begs to borrow them for a dumb joke and tells Rex to get on her shoulders for a "Grievous Greeting" and they do The Thing

Jango and Ahsoka wrt Quinlan is just “Do I need to beat him up for you” “You realize I’ve beaten up sith lords before?”

JANGO'S TRYING He's just. "Can we be friends? Can I--can I be the guy that just noticeably gets in the way of a creep on the subway so you can be more comfortable without someone making a scene? I'm fucking trying here, give me a hint."

We didn’t actually figure out Jango’s age until this point. The only reason Fett's age matters is for Quinlan making a Wild Oats quip after Jango says he didn't know about Rex until a few weeks ago, and Fett going "How old do you think I am? And how old do you think the kid is?" and Quinlan getting Very Awkward as he does the math. Rex overhears and lets Quinlan sweat for a bit before saying "I'm a genetically-modified clone someone grew in a tube, he didn't know or have reason to know until he saw me with Sokari." Which is like. Eight additional layers of WTF, obviously, but at least Jango gets to avoid awkward wild oats jokes

Like, you’d expect the rebuttal to be ‘he’s my brother just with a biiig age gap’ or ‘he’s my nephew’

I find it very unfortunate for Quinlan that I've decided his defining characteristic in this context is going to be repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth

He’s trying so hard but "That sounds like a cool thing, maybe I'll ask ab--and it's another fucking trauma."

I'm doing Ahsoka&Jango t w i c e (there’s another fic where I’m doing it)

It’s just a fun dynamic! So much resentful respect.

Like she's twenty seconds away from calling him a bitch at any given time and he's just there like "I don't like you but I do see you move like you're about to tell an entire building to get on their knees with their hands in the air and I can respect that" Also she's probably much less judgmental about using blasters than Obi-Wan is The Maul subplot actually started with me daydreaming about Ahsoka grabbing a blaster for Reasons

I like the idea of Jango just deciding the most Useful thing he can do is help teach the Smol how to fight. He's AWKWARD around Rex and Soka because he doesn't know if there's anything he CAN teach them.

I didn’t actually plan for Tholme to figure out the age thing, he just SAID it and I had to sit there like Wait.

Ahsoka, Rex & Leia: ahhh, children Tholme: you say that like you aren’t children

I liked getting to write Rex's little "I have worked with all of them, and they're all Terrible" He loves them But They once got stranded on a planet that didn’t exist and Ahsoka died and Anakin killed a god.

There was research and discussion as to whether Ahsoka could win against Tholme but seeing as she held her own against Vader, and fought Grievous at that physical age without dying, etc.... yeah, the only thing holding her back was her body not being what she was used to, and she’s had a few weeks go adjust.

“I miss being able to just jump off skyscrapers” is such a jedi thing

Jango: I'll take the gun back if he tries to leave, they can't get far before--WHAT THE FUCK He knows Jedi are scary but he’s still not really used to just how over the top ridiculous they are He knows how to deal with Jedi in battle, not Whatever The Fuck These People Are Doing

Rex isn't even a Jedi, he's just so used to working with them. “Oh yes time for free-falling without a parachute again, same shit as always.”

Tia: I’m imagining Jango freaking out and Quinlan and Tholme being like. Concerned but mostly exasperated Clearly if they’re jumping off buildings it must be serious? But jfc they could’ve maybe communicated a bit more?

Leia: I want to finish my juice Tholme: Quin, stay with her while we go figure out what those two are doing. Quinlan: Wait what

Jango: Oh now he’s jumping off a building too??? Tholme: Sokari, you are not registered! You can't legally jump out windows yet! Jango: What the hell is going on? Is this normal?

We don’t necessarily know how often Ahsoka and Maul ran into each other after Mandalore. There was the later thing on Malachor, but other than that I'm just going with the idea that they ran into each other every year or two and just went for the eyes like feral cats

Ahsoka: I need to kick ass and you're coming with me. Rex: Yeah, okay. [several minutes later] Rex: Whose ass are we kicking?

Ahsoka and Rex

Neloms aren’t a SW fruit to the best of my knowledge, I just wanted to mess around with lemons/melons

Jango: you didn’t think any of this through, did you? Rex: you were there, you know we didn’t "When the Jedi says to jump out a window, I jump out a window."

Tholme’s real composed about stalking the ancient nigh-mythical enemy of his people, very “Life is already so goddamn weird”

This fic has been so heavy on the trauma but then I introduce Maul and suddenly it's the worst kind of comedy Nobody is competent, everyone's a little dumb, the bad guy is just grocery shopping

My propensity for banter has turned this into a six-person buddy cop comedy about Maul buying grapes They spend a significant amount to time ineffectually stalking Maul before Quin suggests the sensible option Quinlan just "You remember this is my literal job and specialty right"

Ahsoka sees Maul and all her brain cells go out the window except "Fight good" Usually she doesn’t need to worry about doing things legally. Maybe she needs to worry about someone seeing her do illegal things but she spent the past 15 yrs in a place where her existing was illegal

I feel like he’s also maybe kinda wanting to reassert that yes he is competent. Bc like. Ahsoka’s been kinda condescending this whole time and also can beat everyone up so. It's not his fault that he's actually the youngest person there, but.

Jango is finding this whole being friendly to Jedi thing a lot more overwhelming than he thought it would be. And overwhelming in different ways.

Maul usually signifies things getting worse and more horrifyingly tragic but he's just a dumb teen that they needed to arrest for his own good.

Quinlan: Look, I'm useful! Ahsoka: I've been through hell, wanna hear? Quinlan: NO. I DON'T. WHY.

Quinlan: I understand the concept of joking about your traumas, I do it sometimes myself! But sith hells that’s a lot of trauma.

Quinlan just wanted her to treat him as a Competent Individual, and here she is whipping out stories about Dying and Gods and the Force insists it's the truth and he just???? And apparently emo darksider over there is a Sith. And just, sure. Why not

A lot of people’s interactions with the time travelling disaster lineage is just

Tholme and Fett arguing and  Ahsoka's just waiting for a moment to pop in with "Hey, when's the last time either of you worked with the other's culture before this mess? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Much like Leia and Ahsoka hurting each other earlier, and Tholme figuring out the de-aging, we ALSO have Fett’s confrontation with Ahsoka being something the characters just did, rather than something I planned.

FTR the only time I managed to trigger myself while writing this fic was the “your behavior isn’t actually acceptable and we’ve all been trying really hard to give you room to recover but you have to at least make an effort to not be a bitch”

Writing about people having PTSD and symptoms of such: Yay! Writing about people having PTSD and engaging in toxic behavior to cope: Shit Ahsoka had... basically my exact reaction. It's "remind yourself that you're in the wrong, that they have a point, and then be overly formal in the apology because fuck if you accidentally make them feel sorry for you when they're the injured party"

Quinlan: Can we be friends? I mean, you're an asshole, but you're really cool. Let's be friends. (He MIGHT be nursing a crush) (Neat mysterious girl who can beat him up.)

Also he realises she's probably nicer when not having a slow-motion breakdown He's like "Huh, you'll probably be less of an asshole once you've gotten therapy."

...also, she pretty and got Nice Biceps

I love writing a good mental breakdown

I was so close to including a "he tried to kill me" just early enough for Jango to wildly misinterpret as her thinking Quinlan tried to kill her. He'd have been very confused, considering Quinlan's the one that called them down in a panic and currently has Ahsoka having her massive breakdown in his lap But

Tia:  I could see Jango interpreting it as idk, Quin resembling someone or for a moment acting like someone who tried to kill her and she had a flashback or something like that

There's absolutely room for a couple reasonable interpretations there And "trapped in a flashback about someone who tried to kill her" is absolutely what's happening! Just. You know. For a different reason. Jango probably wouldn’t assume Quin would hurt her, for one thing he seems to like her, for another even if he did he’s smart enough to pick a way that wouldn’t be so likely to get him caught

I had to step back and actually say “Also I'm just. Wow. I'm really just shoveling QPP Rex&Ahsoka at full speed”

Me, a few weeks ago, joking: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist Me, now, entirely seriously: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist

Me, belatedly: Oh, Ahsoka being joyfully mean to people was a form of mania she was unconsciously using to build a barrier between herself and her impending meltdown

She went from "just died" to "in charge of Rex and Leia" in like. Two minutes.

Confession: I've been delighting in the mental image of this whole Mess leading Jango to try to retake Mandalore, and Ahsoka loans him a saber for a 1v1 to get the darksaber.

“Can’t I just fight him barehanded? That’s how I did it on Galidraan.” "But the drama, Fett!"

Probably Rex has learned how to use a saber as well, because you never know when you have to borrow a weapon

I later changed my mind to Jango asking her to help, rather than her just sneak-teaching him, but it was funny.

Background nonsense to all this is Ahsoka and Rex, despite Rex being as force-sensitive as a lump of coal, having developed a process where she can extend her sensitivity to him mind-to-mind for weird symbiotic battle trance that scares everyone around them. It’s very similar to Battle meditation.

CONTEXT FOR LEIA BEING WORRIED ABOUT THOLME HIDING THINGS: Tholme is hiding the fact that the Council reached out and told him that the people he picked up might be connected to Ben and Luke, who showed up after the Depa thing but a solid week and change before Jango's ship makes it to the Temple. They asked that he not share that information to avoid getting anyone's hopes up in case the two situations aren't related. Ben and Luke haven't shared enough information for anyone to really be sure if the other three are connected Because the info Tholme has isn't quite the info Jango has, etc. And they can't just say Ben is a future Obi-Wan over comms

I just have a lot of feelings about people trying to do something right and just. Nobody's at fault! Not really! It's just complicated!

Tia: I like how when Ahsoka isn’t doing maladaptive trauma response stuff she’s very mature. And of course she’s had to be but it’s a good like, contrast. Where when she slows down to think about things she’s very sensible

Jango just spends most of this story lowkey wanting Ahsoka to Be His Friend but there's too much baggage that he's only metaphysically responsible for

Local aroace(?) has a squish

Ahsoka: He just wants to get on my good side because of Rex. Jango: I'm pretty sure you could kill an entire army without trying but you wouldn't because you have actual morals and stuff... and when I met you it was because you were killing yourself trying to keep (what appeared to be) children safe... you seem cool please be my friend.......

Ahsoka’s #1 weakness: mountains of trauma Ahsoka’s #2 weakness: she just doesn’t get why so many people think she’s cool and want her to be their (girl)friend

Jango, a 27yo massacre survivor who's killed Jedi masters with his bare hands: [gets lectured on various government structures by a tiny girl that's missing several teeth and needs to sit on books to see the table properly]

Ahsoka was raised in a religious meritocracy but developed all her opinions during a galactic war and then became a vigilante spy, Rex comes from a military cult, Leia is from an inherited monarchy that participates in democracy, Quinlan was originally from what appears to be a dynastic dictatorship, and IDK about Tholme other than that he is also from the religious meritocracy. And in legends Quinlan came to the religious meritocracy after his aunt sacrificed his parents to a vampire cult and then forced him to experience the psychometric echoes of that. There's just. A lot going on.

Leia at least has knowledge about structure and admin in theory that isn't based in either the military or populations under 10k

Jango: I want to be your friend. Ahsoka: Sounds fake.

I am unfairly fond of "Rex destroys a conversation by bringing up his own horrifying childhood and calling it a cult"

"Why does Sokari call you 'Rex'ika'?" "Because she's older than me." "...can I--?" "No."

Nickname privileges are extended ONLY to Ahsoka and older clones. There are no more older clones, so it's just Ahsoka.

Me joking about Star Wars AUs: Would you like a crackship? Me writing actual Star Wars fic: My favorite character type is apparently “too traumatized to have a relationship” so this is at least 90% gen.

I had to pull a scene opening at one point because Ahsoka's skill with not getting shot is actually much less useful than Tholme's clearance levels.

Now I really want a team-up of Ahsoka, Rex, and Jango where they do have to get in a dogfight of the "she flies, we shoot" variety and Fett just has to scream because the speeder thing to catch Maul was one thing, but this....

Ahsoka, before TCW: I know all the traffic rules but I'm not that great at flying! Ahsoka, after TCW: I'm great at flying but if you let me behind the wheel we are absolutely getting arrested.

She went from "knows the rules but doesn't have the skills" to "has the skills but primarily in the form of not getting shot" which! Is delightful! "Bet I can get us through that alley--" "DO NOT"

Jango and Ahsoka are both just very "Is this friendship? Is this camaraderie? My heart's been fried on platonic love by so many murders that I'm not sure anymore." "I've lost a lot of friends. I kind of forgot how to make those."

I have no idea if "hasn't been closer than Alderaan except that one trip to Chandrila" is canon-compliant but ehhhhhhhh It feels plausible enough?

Belatedly realized that I could just explain my optimal Rex&Ahsoka dynamic as just... drift compatible. It's vague enough on the specifics while still digging into the meat of what they mean to each other and how they work together. The terminology is already in existence. I can just use it.

Romantic? Platonic? Familial? Doesn't matter! They're drift compatible.

They are important to each other and that is what matters

I really like the Leia&Quinlan thing. He's just like "This small child needs a friend that isn't super depressed," and decided he's going to be her friend. I keep trying to toss in "Quinlan volunteers to 'baby'sit." She's not much older and she has a Baby Brain, it works out

There's a running bet as to whether Leia will leave the Order the second she turns thirteen, or if she'll let Sokari "train" her for a few years first. And... that’s how I came up with Leia Antilles, Senator of Serenno.

They'll be bullshitting Ben as her new master to "finish out the padawanship" since they can't tell everyone she's really in her thirties and he's conveniently there and already knows everything and was half her master anyway. Like Ben was planning on taking on Luke, but Luke is "six" and even he can't swing that as old enough to be a Padawan, and it's not like Sokari will take more than a handful of years to justify knighthood, sooooooooo

[alirhi]

I see so many fans going on about how they prefer Sebastian's body this way or that... almost all of them bitch about how they want him to be as bulky as he was in CA:CW, and y'all that is so fucking toxic and cruel. Think whatever you want, but keep it to your damn self!

Me? I just want him to be healthy, well-rested, and taking care of himself. He puts his body through hell for Marvel and while I respect the hard work and dedication, you will never, ever see me complaining that he's not the tank he was for a brief few months in 2015. He said himself that he couldn't maintain it, and he's not the only Marvel man to say that within a couple of weeks of when they start shooting, they all start losing weight rapidly because those bulky, muscular physiques are unrealistic.

It's not even about the fact that he's getting older - although that is definitely a factor. Sebastian is almost 40 and the stunts he does wreck the human body. It's a wonder he can still do these action movies at all. But even if he was still in his 20s and had never smoked, the picture of perfect health... the super restrictive diet and insane workout regimen to get into superhero shape are not healthy. They're not realistic, and they cannot be maintained long-term without a serious impact on the body.

Sebastian only went as nuts as he did for CW because he felt small and inferior next to Evans, and he thought Hemsworth might be there, which made him even more insecure. Even when he got up to 200 lbs he couldn't see what a tank he was and still felt little and insecure. And then he started making fat jokes about himself. That "beefy Bucky" y'all are so attached to? From what I've seen in interviews and con clips, that was, mentally/emotionally, the worst time of Sebastian's Marvel career. Stop pushing him to go back to a point six years ago where he was feeling like crap!

This rant has been sitting in my drafts for like 3 weeks and I've been on the fence about posting it, but you know what? Fuck it. It's still bothering me, so I'm gonna post it. I am so sick of seeing people complaining every time we see Sebastian in his natural leaner shape. Shut up and let the man fucking live jfc...

[ukaiknowsbest]

what do you think of gintama in general? is it really a masterpiece or just overhyped

My answer is BOTH. Here's why:

AS A WISH - GRANTING STORY

If you grew up on other wish-granting stories especially those from CLAMP, you realize that Gintama isn't that special. The formula is the same: there's a shopkeeper, there's a request, there's usually an apprentice (or two), they fulfill a request, sometimes their life is in danger, sometimes the solution isn't as straightforward as it should be, they finish the mission, they collect the reward. Along the way you discover the characters more, their pasts are revealed, their intentions are brought to the surface, they try to grant their own wishes, sometimes they succeed, sometimes they fail, sometimes it's in between.

If you look at GIntama that way then it's pretty standard fare. You read Getbackers, Petshop of Horrors, Mob Psycho 100, it's all the same thing.

AS A PARODY

Gintama's real strength comes from it being a parody anime. I can say that it's a masterpiece in that regard. I don't have much experience in gag series like this. But Gintama sure kicked it up a notch with the popculture references and making fun of tropes. Everyone from Sorachi, the editors, the marketing team, everyone must have been really ballsy and gutsy to let this work of art come through and be allowed to be published.

I'm saying this because I was so reluctant to start Gintama if not for the numerous prince of tennis parodies that they have done and because of sorachi and konomi-sensei's art exchange for Prince of Tennis 20th year anniversary. The parody aspect was definitely what sold GIntama to me.

I am still pretty impressed by the feat it has accomplished while taking advantage and making fun of all the things that came before it.

ON SORACHI AS A WRITER

Okay Gintama has 704 chapters and almost 400 episodes. and only about 30-40% of that is actual plot. Anyone with no patience would balk. It's a real btch to get into. People should understand that. Nobody has that kind of time nowadays. It's absolutely unfair to expect people to hang on that long.

That alone says a lot about Sorachi as a writer.

It is so clear, so damn clear that he didn't have a real idea for the plot, that he had no real goal all along. Bruh. GIntama has at least 4 alternate endings jfc. It's almost a miracle how SJ let him get away with all of it. Now this is not to say that he's a bad writer. He's different. He managed to convinced everyone in the project to let him just go with flow and deal with things when they happened. Maybe it's his charisma, or his skill but he managed to convince everyone to let Gintama happen and for that I have nothing but sincerest awe.

Now I am not an Shonen Jump expert. I don't read/watch a lot of SJ so I don't know how unique Sorachi is from all the others. I'm gonna talk from my experience being more immersed in seinen / shojo and sports anime.

Personally I like how Sorachi reuses ideas from older chapters and more foundational characters and incorporates them into later (and sometimes more serious) arcs. Good ideas should be reused imo. He gives good payoff most of the time. It's actually quite fun seeing concepts from comedy arcs being used in serious moments. Many of the characters aren't one-sided too. There are some exceptions but overall most of the character designs are good and well thought of. It feels very organic, very real.

It has one of the best depictions of war I think. I've talked about it in other posts. Actually i talked about all the cool things I like about Gintama in an older review that i did few months ago. I put the link at the bottom of this post.

ON BIGOTRY

Then again, Sorachi falls into the same old bigoted rhetoric that SJ is super known for. You see every kind of bigotry in Gintama and you remember that "ah yeah, a japanese man wrote this, surrounded by japanese male editors in a very japanese male dominated publishing company." All the bad '-isms' are in Gintama whether we like it or not.

I don't know if it was by design that it's supposed to make watchers uncomfortable. Maybe it does. It jokes around those bigoted -isms, yes, but we all know that for every joke there is a half-truth to it. Gintama reflects the situation/beliefs of japanese traditional society on the ground whether we like it or not.

Now I'm bringing this up because of the hype people give to it.

OVERHYPED

I do not know how Gintama is marketed in japan but most non-japanese reviews I've seen are talking about Gintama with an image that is wayy too wholesome that it should have.

Yes they tell you about the poop and dick jokes, yes they tell you about the parodies, yes they tell you about how it gets serious at the end, yess they tell you how badass the ladies are (and act like it's the epitome of feminism), etc etc. yada yada

the kicker?

they dont tell you about the bigotry. you suffer it for yourself. What's worse is they tell you that you're an overdramatic idiot and that you're too soft if you get bothered by the questionable elements in the show.

Most of the big gintama accounts do not welcome almost any criticism of the media and they bully people/call them names for having problems with characters and the plot "coz it's just for comedy! it's for fun!" nevermind if people are feeling actual discomfort.

It's disappointing really.

My verdict? The fandom leaves much to be desired. They are hyping gintama to unholy levels to the point that its core messages are forgotten. It's not only the fandom, The anime producers themselves do it. The merch team do it. It's not fun.

Gintama needs trigger warnings. Lots. It's the kind of series where you need to develop an acquired taste for it. You're supposed to grow into it, get used to it. People acting as if it should be loved on the spot and that there's nothing wrong about it are jerks and gatekeepers. :)

here is my first review post of gintama back in january btw.