#i Know tumblr is operating at a loss. i know it. but this is not going to make me buy from you!!!!

[rainyfestivalsweets]

10/27/23

Mary Oliver made me cry (Reading Upstream)

I edited some pics and stuff so I have a nice healthy slideshow when my motivation is lacking.

I ellipticalled today.

I treadmilled.

We did not go outside.... but I did shovel a bit.

I am just off of work.

Now I don't know what to do. I think mom is watching an old movie upstairs.

Just not sure what to do now.

I have no ideas what to watch for treadmill & TV time. Even tho there is Prime on that TV. I finished Jack Ryan. Now what? You know??

Also.... I would love some wine or some whiskey.

[crunchworldsupreme]

Ah fuck it, I lied! I won't be migrating to pillowfort completely. I just do not have the brainpower to maintain two things at once. I would still encourage people to sign up and at the very least snag your current username because I *really* think Automattic has a good chance of ruining tumblr or shuttering it because they can't make money off of it.

For now it's just going to be crossposting when I remember.

[fingertipsmp3]

Oh fuck I have the update

[astercontrol]

If KOSA passes

Or if any other form of censorship (there are many in the works!) ever succeeds at stepping in to impede our ability to communicate online:

We have to make plans.

Now, I dunno who'll even see this post. The few followers I have are TRON fans (who despite the fantasy we live in, tend to have realistically dismal views IRL about Disney and the various corporate uses of software).

And this fandom, on average, is pretty tech-savvy. It's where I've encountered the most people under 20 years old who actually know how to use a desktop or laptop computer.

So, if there's any hope for what I'm thinking about, this is prolly a good place to start with it.

(As with all my posts, I encourage reblogging and containment-breaching.)

(Gifs are clips from TRON 1982, mainly the "deleted love scene," from the DVD extras.)

Anyway.

Current society has moved online communication much too far onto major social media sites for my comfort. Whoever you communicate with over the internet, chances are you do it through a service owned by a big company: Tumblr, Twitter, Discord, Telegram, Facebook, whatever. Even TikTok (shudder).

These sites, despite their many flaws, can provide experiences that are valuable and hard to get otherwise. And once all your friends are on one site, you can't just leave and stay in touch with them all, not unless they all go the same place. It's easy to see why it's hard to abandon any social media platform.

But a backup plan is important. Because, as we've seen over and over, social media sites can't be relied on. They change their policies suddenly, without good reason-- and are inconsistent, even discriminatory, about enforcing those policies.

If they're funded by ads, the advertisers are their main customers, and your posts are the product. Their goal is that the posts most valuable to the advertisers get seen by people the advertisers consider desirable customers.

Helping you communicate-- making your posts get seen by the people you want to communicate with-- is optional to them.

Not to mention that the whole business model of an ad-funded website is generally unsustainable. Many of these sites are operating at a loss, relying on shareholders in a fragile bubble, doomed to fail soon just from lack of real profit.

And the more restrictions --like KOSA-- that the law puts on freedom of online speech, the likelier they are to go down or just become unusable. Every rule a site is required to follow is another strain on its resources, and most of them are already failing badly at even enforcing their own self-imposed rules.

If we want any control over our continued ability to stay in touch with our online friends-- we need to have a backup plan. Maybe it'll be simple at first, a bare-bones system we cobble together-- but it's gotta be something that will work. For a while at least.

There are lots of really good posts about ways to build your own website, using a service like Neocities. I VERY MUCH recommend learning this skill-- learning to make websites of the very simplest, most stable, glitch-resistant type, made of html pages-- which you can upload to a host while you store backups on your home computer. If you value the writing and art that you put online, this is probably the safest you can keep it.

But that's for making your own creative work public.

As for communicating with others-- for example, receiving and answering other people's comments on your work-- that gets more complex. I personally haven't found it worthwhile to troubleshoot the problems that come with having a system that allows visitors to comment publicly on my website.

But what we do still have-- and likely will for a long time-- is email.

Those of us who came of age before social media's current hold... well, we might take this for granted. Email was the first form of online contact we ever encountered… and thus it can seem to us like the most ordinary, the most boring.

But in the current world, it is a rare and precious thing to find a method of communicating that doesn't require everyone in the chat to be signed on with the same corporation.

Email is, as of now, still perfectly legal-- as much as social media companies have been trying to herd the populace away from it. I'm sure there are other ways to share thoughts online that are not bound by laws. But I am not going to go into that here.

Email service is provided by law-abiding companies, which will comply with subpoenas if law enforcement thinks you are emailing about doing illegal things. So, email is not a surefire way to be safe, if laws become dystopian enough to threaten your freedom to talk about your own life and identity.

But it's safer than posting on a public social media page.

For now.

Email is beautifully decentralized. You can get an email address many different ways-- some reliant on a company like Gmail, others hosted on your own domain. And different people, with all different types of email addresses, hosted in all different ways-- can all communicate together by the same method.

Of course any of these people, individually, can lose their email address for some reason or other, and have to get a new one. But as long as they still know the email addresses of their contacts, they can reconnect and recover from that loss. The structure of a group linked by email is reliant not on a single company-- but on the group itself, the friends you can actually count on.

This is why I am trying to promote the idea of forming email lists, as a backup plan to give people a way to stay in touch as mainstream social media sites prove to be unsustainable.

I'm envisioning a simple system of sending emails to several addresses at once, and making each reply visible to everyone in the chat by using "reply all" (or, if desired, editing the To field to reply to only some).

If enough people get used to using email in this way, it could fill most of the needs met by any other group chat or forum …without depending on a centralized social media company that's taking dystopian measures to try and make the business profitable.

So here are some thoughts about how I personally imagine it could work.

(Feel free to comment and bring up any thoughts I haven't addressed, or suggestions to customize how specific groups could set it up. This is meant as more of a starting point for brainstorming than a catch-all solution.)

As I see it, here are the basics of what you and your friends would each need to start out:

An email address. Any kind, hosted anywhere. You should use a dedicated email account just for this group, one that you do NOT use for other communication. Being in this group will result in things you don't want happening to your main email address-- like getting a TON of email, one for every post and reply. Or someone could get your email address that you really don't want any contact with. Use a burner email account (one that you can easily replace) and change it if needed.

The knowledge of how to "REPLY ALL" in your email. This will be necessary in order to add a comment that everyone in the group can see.

The knowledge of how to EDIT THE "TO" FIELD in your email, and remove addresses from the list of all recipients. This will be necessary if you want to CHANGE WHICH PEOPLE in the group can see your comment.

The knowledge of how to FILTER WORDS in your email. This will be necessary if a topic comes up that you don't want to see any mentions of.

The knowledge of how to BLOCK PEOPLE in your email. This will be very important. If someone joins this email group who you do not want to interact with, it will be up to you to BLOCK them so that you do NOT see their messages. (If they are bad enough to evade the block with multiple burner accounts, that's what you have a burner account for. Change it, and share the new one only with those you trust not to give it to them.)

Every person in the group will be effectively a "moderator" of the group, able to remove people from it by cutting their email addresses out of the "To" field. Members will all have equal "moderator" privileges, each able to tailor the group to their own needs.

This means the group may naturally split, over time, into other groups, each one removing some people and adding others. Some will overlap, some won't. This is good! This is, in my opinion, what online interaction SHOULD be like! There should be MANY groups like this!

In this way, we can keep online discussion alive, no matter WHAT happens to any of the social media websites.

If the dystopia got bad enough to shut down email, we could even continue with postal mail and photocopies, like they did in the days of print-zine fanfiction.

If it looks like the dystopia is gonna come for postal mail too, we'll use the connection we have to preserve whatever contacts we can with people who live near us.

Not saying it's GONNA get that bad. But these steps of preparation are good no matter exactly what kind of bad stuff happens.

As long as some organized form of communication still exists, we'll have a place where it's at least a little safer to be your true self…

to plan events and meetups…

and maybe even activities a little too risque to make the final cut of a 1982 Disney movie.

They're trying to censor us. We want a Free System. So we're gonna fight back.

For the Users. Not the corporations.

Peace out, programs. <3

[sgt-tombstone]

https://www. tumblr. com/tiktoks-repost/664415151341076480

saw this and now i'm picturing soapghost in this situation

link, you’re so right anon

I’m thinking an au where Soap is part of a search and rescue team and Ghost, who was discharged for medical reasons but still lives close to base, gets bullied volunteered by his old captain, Price, to be a casualty victim for the CSAR (combat search and rescue) drills

Ghost would hate it, because it reminds him of actually being injured, but Price always makes sure that his fake injury is vastly different from the real one that got him discharged, and he actually has a lot of fun playing a victim. He knows how real injuries work, how real victims act in the heat of combat, and he really enjoys getting to play “bad” victims (ones who refuse treatment or are combative, because the PJs need to know how to deal with that too)

He’s never really treated it as anything more serious than helping to train soldiers to do their jobs better, but then he’s leaning up against the side of a house in the middle of a field in the base training grounds, and he sees a pair of brilliant blue eyes approaching, startling in their intensity and almost scary in their conviction, and Ghost thinks that maybe, for the first time, he might be in over his head.

The soldier scans the area, gun at the ready, because the first step in a search and rescue situation is securing the premise (and fuck, this guy is well-trained, Ghost thinks to himself, half-sullenly and half-grudgingly impressed, he knows what he’s doing), and then he drops to his knees by Ghost’s side. His gaze drops to the card in Ghost’s hand, marking Ghost as an amputee with a sucking chest wound (a far cry from the brush fire that had caused 3rd degree burns along his entire left side and more skin grafts than Ghost could count). Ghost tries not to be upset about the loss of eye contact, especially when the man opens his mouth.

“I’m Soap,” he says, thick accent distracting from the utter ridiculousness of his call sign. He’s deadly serious, both his tone and face conveying his devotion to rescuing Ghost. “I’m gonnae get ye out of here, I promise.”

Normally, Ghost would thrash around a bit, maybe have some fun letting out a little cry (who ever said he wasn’t a good actor? Price kept bringing him back for a reason, and he was directly responsible for many CSAR operatives developing eye twitches. But they were better soldiers for it, so who really won?) but he can only stare as Soap starts undoing his tac vest (the only time he still gets to wear it) and pulling on gloves to start simulating treatment for Ghost’s fake wound.

He keeps one hand braced on Ghost’s chest, apparently where he’s decided the sucking chest wound would be, applying pressure while preparing a dressing (god, who approved the funds for all of the equipment they wasted in practice? Ghost wasn’t about to start complaining) and pressing a chest seal against Ghost’s bare skin. He tells Ghost to exhale, then secures the dressing. It’s a textbook treatment, as far as Ghost can tell (and he’s done this a lot) but there’s something about Soap’s sure hands, his unwavering haze, his steady presence, that makes it feel like something more.

When Soap moves down to pull up his pant leg, obviously intent on treating his fake leg amputation, Ghost stops breathing altogether, and if he ends the day by receiving very real CPR from a very concerned Soap (as well as Soap’s personal phone number), well… what Price won’t know won’t hurt him, right??

(he’ll be Ghost’s best man at the wedding two years later, and his speech will have many, many innuendos about a certain sucking chest wound, much to Simon’s mortification)

[antimony-medusa]

Is that— bells ringing? Keyboards clacking? The sound of two thousand stressed writers pancing furiously about the floor? Ah yes, Yuletide.

Hello. MCYTblr. I am back again.

You are looking fine today as we move towards the end of the year. Is that a new cologne you're trying? New shirt? New glasses? It's working for you. How have I been? Well.

Well.

*I smack the wall, curtains spring aside, revealing my flip chart presentation that I've had lying in wait*

It is time for me to talk to you about Yuletide again. I was here earlier during tag nominations, but it's sign-up time, and I want to make sure everybody has a change to participate in this if they want to.

What's Yuletide?

Yuletide is an annual mega-exchange for small and rare fandoms. It runs in the close of the year, with a 1000 word minimum for gifts, with gifts revealed anonymously on the 25th of December and de-anoned on the 1st of January. It is easily the biggest exchange in multi-fandom-exchange-world, and last year more than 1,350 people signed up.

Why does everyone sign up?

Well, it's tradition, for one. There are a lot of people that only do Yuletide as their big exchange every year. It's a big holiday spectacle, it's really fun to see it operate and see pinch hits come out and get nabbed in minutes, and people kind of put on their holiday outfits and turn out for it.

For another thing, if you are in a small fandom, it's the one exchange where you can actually have a shot of getting a gift for an obscure manga fandom, or an out-of-print book, or a tv show from the eighties. If your fandom has five people in it, the odds are higher than average that two of them are signing up for this exchange, and hey presto, suddenly you're matchable in your fandom for an obscure podcast.

For another, and this is the biggie, the fact that this is an exchange for small and rare fandoms has led to a certain tradition and vibe for the fandoms that people nominate. People bring their most obscure and fun ideas, going, "hehehehe wouldn't it be fun if someone wrote a story about this", and into the tag set it goes. There is SUCH a spectrum of fandoms in the tag set.

This year there are 4,263 fandoms and 16,735 characters in the tag set. Let me just skim through and look at some of them.

There are commercials, web sketches, art pieces, songs, music videos, board games, podcasts, a dizzying assortment of anthropomorphising different places, items, and ideas, and RPF from a marvelous variety of historical periods (so, y'know, historical fiction if it was published professionally). There are people who nominated tik tok sketches. Twitter threads. A bridge. Book binding techniques. You ever wanted to write a romance between Knitting and Crochet? That's in the tag set, and someone wants to prompt you to do that. Happy Yuletide.

So if you are at all the sort of person who likes a prompt challenge, BOY is this one just a MARVELOUS one. I know I personally am going to be signing up for Humans are Space Orcs (tumblr post) and Fandom Exchanges (Anthropomorphic) amid my more traditional fandoms.

And as for my more traditional fandoms, and the reason why this post has the tags it does (I would get to it eventually)— there is a lot of MCYT in the tag set! I put out a post saying GUYS, the smaller fandoms might apply for this, and BOY did people show up for it. I scanned through it, and the MCYT (and adjacent) that made it in is:

Karmaland SMP

Legacy SMP

Lifesteal SMP

Moonlight SMP

New Life SMP

Outsiders SMP

Rats SMP

SMPEarth

SMPLive

Witchcraft SMP

Pirates SMP

Mianite

Slimecicle Cinematic Universe

SBI Rust

Generation Loss

You could make an entire sign up, 3 minimum requests and 4 minimum requests, and only select MCYT fandoms. The wild thing is that you can only select a max of 10 fandoms to offer, so you actually couldn't offer all of the MCYT. ZombieCleo Witchraft SMP is in. Tommyinnit SMPEarth. Clownpierce Lifesteal. Tubbo SBI Rust. Oli Rats SMP. A wealth of options for the block folks.

So come, join me! What's that? You say this sounds excellent, you're in? You want to know how to sign up? Well this post is already long enough so I'm putting the rest below a cut.

You sign up on the collection here, using fandoms listed in the tagset here. Before you do so though, I'd recommend you check out the blog, especially their "how to sign up" post here, because even if you're used to exchanges, the way Yuletide works is a little bit different. Let me do a quick breakdown here.

Requests

# of Fandoms

You have to select a minimum of 3 fandoms that you are Requesting (a gift that you want made for you), up to a maximum of 6 fandoms. Each fandom has to be unique. For each fandom, you can request between 0 to 4 characters in that fandom, and 0 means "literally you can hit me with anybody", and the up-to-4 characters are the people you definately want to show up in the fic.

AND MATCHING

This is one of the things that Yuletide does differently, because most fandom exchanges do "or" matching, where they match you on either characer A OR character B, (maybe you only offered character B) and you can pick among any of the selected characters on the person's request to write for. Because Yuletide does AND matching, you will only be matched if you offered every single one of the characters the person has selected, and then you get to write for every single one they have listed in their fandom, unless they say differently in their letter. If they requested character A and Character B, you get to deliver a gift that includes them both, according to the rules.

Bu like, in practice, a lot of people are a bit more like "you can pick only one of these guys if you'd like", because that is how everyone is used to things running in most other exchanges, plus people don't want to be too picky, so you can specify in your letter if you definately 100% want characters A, B, and C, or if you're fine with just A, or just A and C, or whatever constellation of characters you're chill with.

This year they have added optional freeform tags you will click on, that will specify either A) use every single one of these guys I selected. B) I have specified in my letter which guys I need for sure and which ones you can swap, C) Dealer's Choice Of Guys Go Crazy.

DNW and Optional Details

Yuletide is an "Optional Details Are Optional" (ODAO) exchange, so technically you could request (or receive) an offer that just has the characters and then you get to go absolutely buckwild for the two month writing period. Most people, however, do not want to do that, so that is where you'll put in Do Not Wants (anything that would ruin the gift for you, from major archive warnings to kinks that you don't vibe with to headcanons you loathe), and some prompts and/or likes for your person to jump off of.

DNWs absolutely must be abided by, and breaking a person's DNW is grounds for getting turfed from the exchange. Following a person's prompts or lists of likes is technically optional, but definately best practice, and y'know, part of the whole spirit of the exchange. Most people are doing their best to adhere to both the DNW and the Optional Details when they do their gift.

You can just format your DNW and Optional Details on the Ao3 signup page (easy, fast), or you can link them offsite in a letter (fancy, you can do formatting, people do them in google docs or dreamwidth pages (the traditional and more accessible option)). There's a tradition of people posting their letter links here, so that people can get an idea for what sort of prompts and signups people are offering, and make sure they're matchable to people with especially fun ideas. Note: you do have to duplicate the data if you're doing a letter, cause if you put your DNW in your letter but NOT in your Ao3, the mods won't enforce it.

And while we're here, that last link is to a community blog that includes a place where you can promo your fandoms to lure people into signing up for your guys, or participate in mini-challenges within yuletide for people who specificially want poly relationships (Three Doves Challenge), or characters of colour (Chromatic Yuletide), or horror/darkfic (Crueltide), or smut (Yuleporn), or art (Wrapping Paper), or even more. There's even a poetry challenge!

Offers

# of Fandoms

You have to sign up with a minimum of 4 fandoms, to a maximum of 10, for fandoms you are Offering (a gift you are willing to make). You must offer at least 2 characters for each fandom, to a maximum of 20— but there's also an "any" tick box if you want to go full "hit me, I like a challenge" and you'll write anything (in the tag set) within a fandom. Each of your fandoms must be unique.

Writing Period:

Signups are open through the 21st, with assignments out by the 23rd, and then you have until the 18th of December to deliver your gift.

Important Notes

You must be 18 or over to participate in Yuletide (because you might be matched with someone who requests smut), and signups close on 9pm UTC on Saturday, 21 October.

There's a known issue where the safari browser isn't letting people sign up properly, (when you get an exchange this big sometimes things break), so they say to either sign up on mobile or use a different browser. So that will be fun for me.

--

And that's it! Yuletide! Just under a week left to sign up, and 351 people have signed up as I write this letter at 1:30am. I just refreshed it and now it's 352. You can sign up on the Ao3 page here!

JOIN ME EXCHANGES SUCH FUN LETS GO.

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 38

You, Joel and Ellie hit some snags on your journey west. A continuation of Lavender, Ch. 1-37 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Smuttttttt (unprotected P in V sex), canon typical violence, threat of SA (unsuccessful), reference to past SA (not described.) No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only

Length: 5.5k

“See that?” 

Joel pointed to some grass that was catching the sunlight a bit better than the grass around it. 

“I think so,” you frowned, looking at it. 

“Called a shining,” he said. “Something steps on the grass, presses it down, shiny side catches the light. Only stays shiny like that for about two hours after it’s stepped on but the grass will stay bent for about a day. So you know that something passed through here within the last two hours.” 

You nodded slowly. 

Joel had been teaching you and Ellie how to track and hunt. She was getting better than you were with the rifle, though neither of you were as good as Joel. You tried to not think about just why he was so good with it. 

The tracking, though, was probably going to get easier. It was mid-October now and the weather had been steadily getting colder. Snow was not far off. At night it was dropping below freezing and you’d had to start building fires to stay warm - something Joel wasn’t exactly thrilled with. 

You’d stayed in Curtis for a few days. Joel killed a deer in town, something that was oddly easy in the post-outbreak reality, apparently. The animals out here had never seen people. They didn’t have the same reaction to humans that the creatures of your youth did, or even those immediately around the QZ. You could practically walk up to them here, them just looking at you quizzically for a moment, almost like they were questioning what the hell this bipedal animal approaching them could be. 

They were everywhere, too. The town had been reclaimed by nature. You were walking to the grocery store again the second day there when you came across a small herd of deer in the middle of the street. They stood there, looking at you, clearly puzzled. You looked back, waiting for them to run. They never did. 

Part of you hoped the one Joel killed hadn’t been one of the ones you’d seen. The hotel had a small garage - a golf cart, riding mower, some general maintenance stuff inside - and Joel turned it into a place to dress the carcass and then dry the meat you weren’t eating immediately. You’d ended up with almost 50 pounds of venison jerky, enough to supply you for a stretch. 

The whole process had made Ellie take an interest in hunting. You supposed it was natural, her wanting to know the survival tactics you’d all been relying on. It definitely made sense to learn it. If something happened to Joel, you thought you could get her the rest of the way on your own, but it would be a lot more difficult. Joel’s skills were immensely valuable. 

But hunting made you uneasy. You knew meat came from animals, obviously, but buying it from the store before or getting it as a ration was so far removed from the process, you didn’t have to think about it. Stripping an animal of its meat was so oddly surgical, it was hard to separate the two in your mind. It made them seem too close to human for your liking - though you’d far rather do that than die of starvation.  

You were well into Wyoming now. But neither you nor Joel had acknowledged that you weren’t sure what you were supposed to do now that you were here. 

He had a vague idea of where the radio tower was so that’s where you were headed. Just hoping that the operator would have some inkling about where Tommy might be living. Otherwise, you were at a loss. It was a large, empty state. It wasn’t like there were people every few miles you could stop and ask - even if you felt like you could trust the people you ran into. You hadn’t seen another person besides Joel and Ellie since you’d fled the camp. 

“So which way should we go?” Joel asked you, still looking at the shining in the grass. 

You looked out, finding another spot like the first, and another after that. 

“That way,” you said. “Looks like there are more…” 

“Good,” he nodded. “Lead the way.” 

You obeyed, following the small path through the grass that it appeared that the rabbit you were tracking had taken. 

It really hadn’t been far ahead of you at that point and you caught up with it a few minutes later, Joel putting an arm out to stop you and Ellie from moving closer and startling it. He looked to Ellie and jerked his head toward the rabbit. She nodded once and slung the rifle off her back before lining up to shoot. You watched her as she did, not wanting to see rabbit die if you could help it. She took a deep breath and fired before a look of satisfaction spread over her features. 

“Fuck yes,” she nodded, smiling a little. You looked over. The rabbit was dead on its side, its tan fur fluttering in the wind. 

“Good shot,” Joel nodded. “Go grab it, we’ll find a place to camp for the night.” 

There was a cliff line that made for decent shelter and the three of you settled in there for the night. You built a fire while Joel and Ellie dressed the rabbit before you put it over the fire to cook. 

You liked the quiet of evenings like this. It felt almost oddly domestic, not so different from grilling in the yard by the pool or cooking while the news was on in the background and Sarah told Joel about her day. Just part of the routine the three of you had settled into over the past few weeks. 

It seemed like Boston was a lifetime ago now, not just over a month. You could hardly remember what life without Joel and Ellie had been like anymore. It felt like they’d just always been there. Sometimes, when you thought about spending time with Andrew and Jess and the kids, you found yourself wondering where Joel and Ellie had been - were they sick? In another room? - before you remembered that they hadn’t been anywhere besides just not with you. They hadn’t been a part of you yet.

Ellie fell asleep and you sat, leaning against Joel, already zipped into your sleeping bag to ward off the cold. 

“Gettin’ close to Casper,” he said, looking at the fire. 

“Hmm.” 

“Thinkin’ that’s gonna be our best shot at runnin’ into people and infected in weeks,” he continued. “Unless we wanted to try and skirt around it…”

“What do you think?” You frowned, glancing up at him. He sounded oddly unsure. The only time you’d ever left the QZ without Joel had been the one run to Lincoln you’d made when you first met Bill and Frank. Every time, he was cool and certain. Even for this trip, unless someone was at gunpoint, Joel was self assured. He’d consult Tess, but it was usually just that - consultation. It wasn’t to ask for help, just to make sure his partner was on board. This was different. It sounded like he didn’t know. 

“Normally, I’d say let’s go to Casper,” he said. “Or at least close to it. See what we can find. Probably be a good place to resupply, somewhere we can stay for a few days, rest, get cleaned up, see if anyone knows Tommy. But…” 

He broke off for a moment before he looked at you. 

“Baby, it just feels like too damn big a risk with you and her.” 

You frowned. 

“Do you think we’ll hold you back that much?” You asked. 

“No,” he shook his head and looked back at the fire. “It’s not that. It’s just… They tried to take you, tried to kill her. What if I can’t stop it next time? Rather never find Tommy and just live in the wild than lose you…” 

“We need to find the Fireflies,” you said, pressing closer to him. 

He sighed. 

“I know.” 

“If there are people - assuming they’re friendly people - then we should try,” you looked up at him, your head on his chest. 

He sighed again. 

“Fine,” he said. “We’ll at least come up to the edge, see what we can see. But no offering yourself up or I swear…” 

“Swear what?” You asked, half teasing, when he didn’t finish his sentence. 

“I’ll make sure you regret it,” he said. 

“That I’d like to see,” you yawned. He scoffed. “Wake me up for my watch.”

***

The outskirts of Casper were quiet. Joel didn’t fucking trust it. 

For starters, it was quiet of animal life, too. Like the wild things knew to give it a wide berth. There were people around. He could feel it. 

He just wasn’t sure where the fuck they were. He’d have to try to go into the city. 

“Stick close,” he said, snow drifting down in delicate, lazy flakes. 

He led the way into the city - if you could even call it that, civilization in this part of the country was so goddamn small, rotted away so bad that he knew it must have been in shit shape when the world ended - keeping an eye out for any signs of people. 

The signs were there. The people weren’t. 

The closer the three of you got to the river, the more signs of humanity there were. Buildings that had clearly been maintained over the last 20 years, laundry - though stained and torn - hanging on lines, chickens pecking a scraps in enclosures. People had been here and they’d been here recently. 

“Where is everyone?” You asked quietly. So you saw it all, too. 

“Fuck if I know,” Joel muttered. “But nowhere good, I’m sure…” 

“Ellie!” You hissed and Joel’s head whipped around. The kid was on a porch, opening a door. “Get back here!” 

“No one’s around,” she shrugged. “And if you guys don’t want to look for reasons why…” 

She opened the door and went inside. You looked, exasperated, at Joel and took off after her. 

“Fuck,” Joel swore, following you into the house. 

“Ellie!” You looked around, bypassing the living room and the stairs, heading for the back of the house. “We need to get out of here…” 

“They left in a hurry,” she said, standing by the kitchen table. There were three plates sitting there, half eaten food covered in a layer of mold. “Doc, how long would that take to grow?” 

“It varies a lot depending on the kind of mold and it’s not like I have a microscope with me,” you sighed. “But probably a week?” 

“So whatever made them leave is probably long gone, right?” Ellie looked at you, her brows raised. “Probably nothing to worry about, right?” 

“We should move,” Joel said, grinding his teeth, getting you and Ellie back outside. Ellie walked in front, looking around, her thumbs looped through her backpack straps. 

“What are you thinking?” You asked quietly, voice low. 

He glanced at you, cautiously. 

“Raiders,” he whispered. “Looks like just the shit they’d do if the town just decided to stop paying them off…” 

You nodded slowly and Joel looked straight ahead. 

He’d never had a proper conversation with you about what he’d done before he came to the QZ. He told himself for years that it could have been worse. He wasn’t really a raider. He never raped anyone. He didn’t hurt women if he could help it, never children. When him and Tommy would partner up with a raider party, he’d make that deal: no women, no kids. By anyone in the group. 

But that shit didn’t mean much. He’d still killed people he didn’t need to kill. He’d still terrorized communities to make them pay for protection. He’d hurt people who didn’t deserve it. He’d been so numb to it at the time - Sarah gone, believing you were gone, too - that he didn’t give a fuck about anything. He was trying to survive, he told himself. Trying to keep Tommy alive. 

All the while, he could have just gone to a fucking QZ. If he had, he’d have found you sooner. Maybe gotten past his own bullshit sooner. 

No, he didn’t want raiders to know you or the girl existed. That was too goddamn dangerous. But he also didn’t want to face his own shit because raiders turned up.

The three of you made it up to the river, looking around for some indication of people. But everyone was gone. 

“I guess we just keep heading for…” you began, but a voice cut you off. 

“Hello!” Someone yelled. 

You and Ellie spun to face the sound, Joel raised his rifle. A man - maybe more of a boy, he was maybe 20 - came out from in between two buildings, his hands up. 

“Stay back!” Joel barked. “Or I’ll fucking shoot you!” 

“That…” the man stopped and laughed darkly. “That would actually be a big help. I got bit, ankle, about a day ago. And I can’t…. I keep trying to and I…” He started getting choked up. 

“Oh shit,” Ellie breathed. 

“Joel,” you looked at him. He scowled and lowered the gun. 

“No,” the guy drew closer. “No, man, I wasn’t kidding…” 

You slipped your pack from your shoulders to the ground. 

“I’ve got a better way to do it,” you said, your voice kind. You went to a large rock, on the bank of the river, and patted the spot on the rock next to you. 

“Doc,” Ellie put her back to the man as he came closer. Her eyes were wide. “Do you think… can we try my blood? Just… just in case it could work?” 

“Oh honey,” you smiled sadly at her. “No. Even if that would work, if he was bitten yesterday, it’s too late. It’s a lot better if he doesn’t go through the change, if I just euthanize him.” 

She set her jaw and nodded slowly. 

“You don’t have to save anyone, Ellie,” you said quietly. “It’s not your job to save anyone but yourself.” 

The man kept his distance, his arms still up. Joel took Ellie by the shoulder and tucked her behind him, his rifle still ready. 

“It’s OK,” you assured him. “Just come sit here and I’ll confirm the bite and then give you a shot. It’ll be just like going to sleep.” He still stayed a few feet away. “You’re not going to scare me, if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s OK. It’ll be OK.” 

He sat on the rock beside you and Joel kept Ellie back, her peering out from behind him to watch you. 

“Show me where you were bit?” You asked, your voice kind and calm as you pulled a euth kit from your bag. The man tugged the hem of his jeans up and you leaned forward, looking at the injury. Even from a few feet away, Joel could tell it was infected. You nodded a little. “I’m sure this is no surprise but yes, you were bitten by an infected person.” 

“Yeah, the mushrooms growing out of their face was a dead give away,” he laughed a little, his voice thick. 

“What’s your name?” You asked, unpacking the kit. His eyes were on your hands as you worked. 

“Jason,” he said quietly. “Jason Small.” 

“Alright Jason,” you held the needle in your hand. “It’ll take a few minutes to kick in so you’ll have that time but before we get going, is there anything you want to say? Anything you want someone to know?” 

He looked at you for a moment. 

“No,” he laughed again, dark and sharp. “No, fuck, I never really did jack shit with my life. No one left to miss.” 

“What happened?” Ellie stepped out from behind Joel. You gave her a look that she promptly ignored. You looked to Joel for help but he just shrugged “Where is everyone?” 

“Raiders showed up about a week and a half ago,” he said. “Wanted payment for services but they showed up weeks earlier than normal, we didn’t have payment… They killed a bunch of people, not that Casper was ever huge to begin with, it’s not like we were a QZ and FEDRA left us alone. The people the raiders didn’t kill took off, mostly headed south because of the winter but… well, we started getting infected coming up from that direction not too long after. Probably following the trail of fucking people…” 

“Thank you,” you said kindly, shooting Ellie a glare before turning back to the man. “OK Jason, are you ready for me to inject you? It’ll just be a small pinch, you’ll have a few minutes of feeling normal and then you’ll feel really tired. It’s just like going to sleep. I’ll stay with you, if you want. So you’re not alone.” 

He nodded slowly. 

“Nothing left to really hang out for,” he shrugged. “But… if you could stay… I think I’d like that.” 

Joel looked off toward the water. 

“Joel,” you said, your voice soft and calm. “I’ve got this. Why don’t you take Ellie up that way a bit, I’ll catch up.” 

He opened his mouth to argue but you gave him a look. He sighed. 

“C’mon, Ellie,” he steered her away from the scene. 

The two of them walked in silence for a few minutes, putting some distance between you and them - something Joel didn’t like at fuck all. 

“She did that a lot, didn’t she?” Ellie asked, looking up at him. “Euthanizing people, I mean.” 

“Yeah,” Joel sighed. “Yeah, she did.” 

“Fuckin’ sucks,” she trudged along the sidewalk, kicking at the broken concrete. 

They found some rocks that were out of sight of you and Jason. Joel sat down on one. 

“If there was a cure, no one would have to do that shit,” she said, staring at her knees. “Right?” 

“I don’t know,” Joel said after a moment, looking at the girl. “But I don’t think people would need to be doing it quite as often.” 

She nodded slowly. 

“There’s a lot of shit riding on my blood, isn’t there?” She looked at him. He looked back. He was reminded - again - of Sarah. This time, it was of when she first started understanding that she didn’t have a mom like the other kids at school, when she was trying to figure out whether or not it was her fault. 

“No,” Joel said. She looked surprised. “Your blood is your blood, all that’s ridin’ on it is keepin’ you alive. If Doc and those other scientists can figure out how to do more with it, great, but that’s not on you or your blood. The infected are on the infected, on the governments who didn’t do enough to stop it, on a lot of shit. Not you, not your blood. Got it?” 

“Yeah,” she nodded. He wasn’t sure she believed him. 

You trudged up the sidewalk, tears in your eyes, a few minutes later. You were missing a ribbon on your braid. 

“He’s gone,” you said, voice thick. “It was peaceful. He did ask if there was anything else we wanted to know, so I asked about the radio tower. He said he thinks it’s an old tower that was used by the National Parks Service for things like fire warnings and such, out at Grand Tetons. The name Tommy Miller didn’t ring a bell, though.” 

“What happened?” Ellie said, nodding to your braid. “With your…” 

“Oh,” you glanced down at it. “The ribbons apparently reminded him of his sister. She died a few years back. He wanted to hold it, I didn’t want to take it from him…” 

Joel pulled you against him and pressed a kiss to your forehead, holding you to him for a moment. 

“We should move,” he said. “Get the fuck out of here before we run into raiders or infected.” 

You nodded and Joel led the way back on the road. 

It was two more days before you ran into more people. And it was far less friendly. 

The snow was thicker now, making you easy to track. It made Joel nervous. His whole body was tense, his jaw squared, his hand almost absentmindedly stroking the butt of the rifle as the three of you walked through the woods. 

He heard them half a second before he saw them, three men encircling your trio like a snare. Joel raised the rifle quickly and you threw Ellie behind you, backing up so she was tucked safely between you and Joel. 

“Hey, hey,” the first man said, his gun drawn. “Let’s take it easy, no need to make this any harder than it has to be…” 

“Right,” Joel said. “So why don’t you just leave us be and we’ll be on our way…” 

“Afraid we can’t do that,” the second man said. “There’s a toll to pass through our territory. One I’m sure we’d remember if you paid…” 

“Bet you fuckin’ would,” Joel’s gun was still up, his eyes darting between the three men. “We’ve got some jerky. Otherwise, you’re shit out of luck.” 

“Think you’ve got a bit more than that,” the third man said, leering at you and Ellie. “Think we can be quick, take turns…” 

You looked to Joel, your eyes wide, as the third man took you by the arm and pulled you back against him. 

“Fuck you, motherfucker!” Ellie moved to charge him but Joel grabbed her by the shoulder and ripped her back, delaying him getting a shot off. You were further away now and he started plotting the plan of attack, just who he was going to kill first, how to get you back safely. 

But Joel had underestimated you. Luckily, so had the men, not bothering to restrain your hands in any way. You went for the knife that was strapped to your waist and you freed it, bringing it up and then down in one swift, hard motion, catching the man with the thigh. 

He screamed and shoved you away and you stumbled forward. Joel grabbed you and threw you behind him, next to Ellie, before he shot the man with the gun and then the man who’d been holding you, dropping them both with a single shot before turning the gun on the last remaining man. 

“Weapons,” he barked. “Drop ‘em.” The man froze. “MOVE!” 

He pulled a gun from his holster and dropped it into the snow in front of him before he did the same with a knife. 

“Good,” Joel growled before he glanced to you. “You OK Baby?”

“Yeah,” your voice was shaky but he nodded. 

“You did good, Baby,” he said, keeping his gun on the man. “You did real good. I need you to take Ellie and keep goin’ the way we were walking, at least a quarter mile, no more than half. Find a good place to wait for me. I’ll get you.” 

“Joel,” you began but he cut you off. 

“Need to have a conversation with our friend here,” he said. “See you in just a minute.” 

He felt your eyes on him. After a moment, you obeyed, leading Ellie quietly into the woods. Joel turned his full attention to the man. 

“This’ll be a lot easier if you just tell me what I want to know,” Joel said, keeping the gun trained on the man. “I’d rather not scare my girls with you screamin’ so don’t give me a reason to make you.” 

“Look,” the main said, his hands up. Joel cut him off. 

“Don’t remember askin’ you a question,” he replied. The man shut up. He was younger, maybe in his early 30s. He didn’t know shit about shit. “How many people are out here?” 

“Just the three of us,” the man said quickly. “We’re cousins, had a family settlement not too far from here but my sister got bit, we’re the only ones who lived.” 

“And you just stayed out this way?” Joel asked. “Terrorizing people passin’ through?” 

“It’s hard out here, man,” his voice cracked. “Don’t have many resources…” 

“Not here for your fuckin’ sob stories,” Joel snapped. “So this is your territory? Won’t run into anyone else out here?” 

“No, no one else,” the man said quickly. “It’s just us, we haven’t seen anyone in weeks…”

Joel nodded. 

“So what was your fuckin’ cousin planning to do to my girl?” He asked, grip tightening on the gun. 

“Look man, he didn’t mean anything by it,” he said quickly. “Just lookin’ to trade, that’s all…” 

Joel lowered the gun and fired a round into the man’s thigh, making him drop to his knees with a pained scream. 

“I wasn’t going to touch her,” he was sobbing. “I swear I wasn’t…” 

“I think we both know that’s bullshit,” Joel said, pressing closer. “You plannin’ on raping all the women who come through here or is mine just special? Hm?” 

“Haven’t seen a woman in weeks,” he choked and sobbed. “Please, he was just… we were desperate, that’s all…” 

“Think that’s an excuse?” Joel asked. His blood was hot. This man and his friends had threatened you and Ellie. Wanted to hurt you. He’d hurt him. “Last chance. Anyone else out this way?” 

“No,” the man was sobbing now. “No, I swear, we’re it, we’re it for… fuck, probably 100 miles west…” 

“Good,” Joel said, aiming the gun for his head and shooting him there. He dropped like a rock. 

Joel collected what was worth taking from the bodies - mostly ammunition - and walked to find the two of you. 

It didn’t take long. You and Ellie were sitting close together on a fallen log. He slung the rifle back over his shoulder. 

“You both OK?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” you nodded. 

“Fine,” Ellie said, glancing at you. 

The three of you walked a few more miles that day before stopping, Joel filling you in on the status of nearby people on the way. You spotted a place where the tree canopy was thicker, the snow cover on the ground a bit less dense. It should be a good place to spread out the sleeping bags without freezing. He dug out a place nearby for the fire pit. 

“I’ll be back in a minute,” you said before quickly walking into the woods. Joel looked to Ellie for a moment. She seemed oddly calm, reading a comic book in the remaining daylight with her back against a tree, sitting out of the snow. 

“I”m goin’ for firewood,” he said. She just nodded absently. 

Joel went in the woods after you. It didn’t take him long to find you, only five minutes from the site he’d picked to spend the night. You were pressed back against a tree, your arms wrapped tightly around yourself. He approached you slowly, his hands up. 

“Hey Baby,” he said quietly. You jumped, looking around for a moment before you spotted him. 

“Hey,” your voice was wet. You wiped your tears away. “Sorry, I can get back…” 

“No,” he stepped closer. “No, you don’t need to… I just wanted to see if you were OK.” 

“I’ll be fine,” you wiped your eyes again and sniffed. “Really, it’s not a big deal…” 

He watched you for a moment. 

“Can I touch you?” He asked. You looked up at him, confused. “It just seemed like that was awful close to what… what he did to you and you didn’t want me touchin’ you when he showed up in the QZ. I don’t want to hurt you, just take care of you.” 

“You can touch me,” you nodded. “Please touch me…” 

He moved to stand in front of you and pulled you gently against him, wrapping you in his arms, kissing the crown of your head. 

“How’d you know?” You asked after a moment. “Did Andrew tell you?” 

He paused, his hands keeping a steady rhythm as they moved up and down your back. 

“A bit,” he said eventually. “The rest… well, I… I wanted to know what happened. Felt like you’d lived it so I should, too. So I made him tell me before I killed him.” 

“You shouldn’t have done that, Joel,” you said softly. “Shouldn’t have to think about that…” 

“Should have been there,” he replied. “Should have been able to step in faster today, you shouldn’t have needed to do a damn thing…” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Joel,” you pressed your cheek tighter to his chest. “Not then, not now. It wasn’t.” 

He held you for a while and you stretched up and planted a kiss on his throat, sending a shiver through him. He pulled you closer. 

“Want you,” you said quietly. 

“Baby,” he groaned. “Not a good idea…” 

“Why not?” You asked, pulling back from him slightly. He cupped your face in his hand. 

“Just had something pretty fuckin’ terrible almost happen to you,” he said gently. “We shouldn’t…” 

“But I want to feel you,” you breathed. “Need to feel close to you, just for a minute. You said we should be safe out here… Please, Joel…” 

You pressed yourself against him, looking up at him with wide and desperate eyes. He gritted his teeth, glancing back toward the campsite. 

“We have to be quick, Baby,” he said. “Can’t leave Ellie for too long. And it’s cold…” 

You were already unbuttoning your pants, stepping out of one boot so you could free one leg of your jeans. He opened his jeans and freed his cock, rubbing it a few times, already hard in spite of the cold air. 

“Gotta keep it down,” he breathed as he pressed you back against the tree. “Ellie ain’t far…”

With that, he trailed one finger through your slit, the heat of you almost shocking against the cold. He gathered some of your wetness and spread it over himself, jerking himself twice more before he lifted you, your arms going around his neck as he lined himself up with your entrance. 

“Tell me if I hurt you,” he warned, already panting for breath. You nodded eagerly, your eyes still wet. He pressed into you and pulled you down onto him. 

He kept your back against the tree and your legs went around his hips, pulling him deeper. He groaned, your pussy gripping him so fucking tight. He kissed you as he started to fuck into you, taking things slow but hard, the head of him pressing into your back wall with every stroke. 

“Fuck, Joel,” you moaned. “Fuck, I love you, I needed… This is what I needed…” 

His hips worked harder and faster against yours, one hand coming around to the place between you so he could press against your clit while he worked himself into you. 

It always felt fucking incredible being inside you but something about this time - knowing that you’d almost been hurt and the only reason he was inside you now was because you weren’t, that you trusted him enough with your body to want him - need him - right now - was driving him over the edge quickly. 

“Need you to cum for me Baby,” he kissed down your jaw to your throat. 

“Joel,” you whimpered, your voice wet. He pulled back from you, looking in your eyes. You were crying again. But before he could pull back from you, your fingers wound in his hair, pulling his mouth to yours, your legs tightening around him. He licked into your mouth, pressing his tongue deep, trying to devour your fear.

He pulled back from you just enough to speak. 

“I’ve got you Baby,” he breathed. “I’ve got you, I’ll keep you safe. Not going to let anyone hurt you, not going to let anyone take you from me, I’ll protect you, promise I’ll protect you…” 

You came with a shuddering moan, the fluttering of your walls triggering his own orgasm as he emptied himself into you. You went slack on him, your face buried against his neck, and he just held you for a moment, his spent cock still inside you, noticing the cold air again for the first time since he entered you. After a minute, your lips brushed his cheek. 

“I’m OK,” you said quietly, pulling back from him. Your eyes were dryer, you looked calmer. 

“Are you OK to go back?” He asked, still holding you. You nodded. He pulled himself slowly, gently from your body and tucked himself away before helping you get dressed again. 

Joel built the three of you a big fire that night, the flames licking high, casting heat you could feel from yards away. You smiled and dealt for Texas Hold ‘Em and Joel let Ellie win - a fact she adored. When the time came to sleep, you curled around Ellie and Joel curled around you, feeling the warmth of you tucked safely against him. 

“Love you,” he whispered when he was sure Ellie was asleep. “Promise I’ll keep you safe, Baby. I promise.” 

A/N: This was it, the last OC chapter before we get back into the canon overlap. EVERYONE GET READYYYYYYYYYYY :D

I hope you enjoyed this little diversion and some exploration of the time between Kansas City and Jackson. I know I did :)

I do have a tag list. If you'd like to be added, please comment below. If you've asked to be added and don't see your name on the list, please comment again! I'm sorry I missed you! If you've asked to be added and your name is on the list BUT you're not being tagged, Tumblr won't let me tag some blogs. I'm not sure why! I keep the names on the taglist in hopes that they one day can be tagged. But alas, today is not that day.

Thank you thank you thank you all for reading and caring about these characters! You make it so fun to explore this world. Love you all!

Taglist: @paleidiot@ayamenimthiriel@ginger-swag-rapunzel @drewharrisonwriter @flugazi @pedropascalsbbg @taoyuji @starstruckmusiciansartghost @splendsay @bigboiseason123 @jpbplvr @ashleyandring. @mrsyixingunicorn10 @sloanexx @ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn. @hufflepuffriver@sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee. @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli. @reds-ramblings @arizonadaydreamer @mumma-moonchild @blackroseguzzi @candypeaches16 @kittenlittle24 @wrappedinfiction @oatmeaiboy @pedritosdarling @winchestergypsy90 @imnotdatboii @lalalalemonade11 @maknimuk1 @mrsdarcyinlovewithbuckybarnes @pedrosaidsheispunk @commanderawkward @n7cje @elliesgirlll @tsunamistorm123 @spookyxsam @leeeesahhh @anoverwhelmingdin. @untamedheart81. @pedropascalfan221 @pedr0swh0r3. @pedrobae @fifia-writes @fatima-marisa

[honeybelleee]

Stabbed, You’re Next!

| Chapter One |

Synopsis

When Y/N's best friend, Wonyoung Jang, is brutally murdered after uncovering a corruption scheme involving the school's staff, Y/N finds herself pulled into a dangerous game. With only a cryptic email and a folder of incriminating evidence, Y/N must team up with Wonyoung's boyfriend, Mingyu and a tech-savvy loner, Jake to expose the truth. But as the body count rises, Y/N realizes the conspiracy goes deeper than she ever imagined-and the killer is always one step ahead. Trust no one, because in this game, anyone could be next.

Pairings

Jake Sim x F!reader (It will progress rily slow)

Genre

Mystery, thriller, crime, heavy angst, slowburn fluff

TW

This story contains themes of violence, murder, and death, including graphic depictions of a stabbing and blood. It also explores corruption, fear, and grief, as the characters deal with loss, danger, and being stalked by a killer. Themes of paranoia and emotional trauma are present.

Notes

First fic posted on tumblr, ignore the details of the text messages places (its unorganized)!

Prev - Masterlist - Next

____________________________________________

I hurried down the empty halls of Riverton High, my footsteps echoing in the silence. My heart pounded in my chest, a mixture of fear and determination driving me forward. I clutched my phone in one hand, the last message from Wonyoung glowing on the screen. "Meet me at the lab. Hurry."

I had never seen Wonyoung so frantic, so terrified. It was unlike her to be anything but composed and in control. Something was very wrong, and I needed to find out what.

As I approached the science lab, the silence seemed to grow thicker, more oppressive. I could feel a chill in the air, the kind that raised the hairs on the back of my neck. I hesitated for a moment, my hand hovering over the door handle. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open.

The sight that greeted me was something out of a nightmare.

Wonyoung lay sprawled on the floor, a pool of blood spreading beneath her. Her eyes were open, staring blankly at the ceiling, and her once-vibrant face was now a mask of terror and pain. My breath caught in my throat, and I dropped my phone, the clatter echoing in the stillness.

"No," I whispered, my voice trembling. "Wonyoung, no."

I stumbled forward, my legs feeling like lead. I fell to my knees beside her, my hands hovering over my friend's lifeless body, not knowing what to do. Tears streamed down my face as I reached out to touch Wonyoung's cold hand, the reality of the situation crashing down on me.

I had to call for help. I had to do something.

I scrambled for my phone, my hands shaking so badly I could barely dial. I managed to press the emergency number, and the operator's calm voice was a stark contrast to the chaos I felt inside.

"112, what's your emergency?"

"There's been a murder," I choked out, my voice breaking. "At Riverton High. In the science lab. Please, hurry."

As I waited for the police to arrive, my mind raced. Who could have done this? Why would anyone want to hurt Wonyoung? I looked around the lab, my eyes searching for any clues, any sign of the killer. But all I saw were shadows and the lifeless form of my best friend.

The wail of sirens broke the oppressive silence, growing louder as they approached the school. I sat by Wonyoung’s side, my mind numb, my heart shattered. The lab was now a crime scene, and my life, once filled with mundane worries and school dramas, had been irrevocably changed.

Police officers and paramedics burst into the lab, their professional detachment a stark contrast to the horror of the scene. They quickly assessed the situation, and a paramedic gently guided me away from Wonyoung’s body, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders.

Detective Lee, a seasoned investigator with a keen eye for detail, arrived shortly after. She surveyed the room, her gaze sharp and assessing. Her eyes softened slightly when they landed on me, recognizing the trauma etched on my face.

"I'm Detective Lee," she said gently, crouching down to my level. "Can you tell me what happened?"

I took a shaky breath, trying to gather my thoughts. "I got a message from Wonyoung," I began, my voice barely above a whisper. "She said she found something and needed to talk. When I got here, I found her like this."

Detective Lee nodded, her expression thoughtful. "Did she mention what she found?"

I shook my head. "No, just that it was urgent. She seemed really scared."

Lee's eyes flickered with concern. "We'll need to take you down to the station to get a full statement. Is there anyone we can call for you?"

I thought of my parents, how worried they must be. I nodded, giving the detective their contact information. As the officers continued to work around me, collecting evidence and photographing the scene, I felt a deep sense of helplessness.

Hours later, after giving my statement and being comforted by my parents, I returned home. I couldn't sleep, my mind racing with unanswered questions. I sat at my desk, staring at my laptop, determined to find out what Wonyoung had discovered.

Whatever it was, it had been important enough to risk everything. I logged into my email, hoping to find some clue, some piece of the puzzle that Wonyoung had left behind.

In my inbox, I found a draft email from her. It was addressed to me, but never sent. My heart pounded as I opened it.

"Y/N, if you're reading this, it means something has gone terribly wrong. I found out about a corruption scheme involving some of the school's staff. They're embezzling funds and manipulating grades. I have evidence, but I don't know who to trust. Be careful. They're dangerous."

My breath caught. Corruption? Embezzlement? It all seemed so surreal, so out of place in our high school. But Wonyoung had never been one to make baseless accusations. I read the email again, my mind trying to process the enormity of what it implied.

I knew I couldn't do this alone. I needed help, someone I could trust. My thoughts turned to Mingyu, Wonyoung's boyfriend. He might know more about what she had been involved in. And then there was Jaeyun Sim, or mostly known as Jake, the tech-savvy loner who could hack into just about anything. He might be able to find digital

traces of Wonyoung’s investigation.

I stared at the screen, the words blurring as the weight of everything hit me again. This was real. My best friend was dead, and I was the only one who could finish what she had started.

Taglist

@heeseungspookie @woorcve @sumzysworld

[eluxcastar]

As I opened my tumblr, just to check if there is new Arlecchino stuff to swallow... lo and behold, I saw your post with the Arlecchino simp tags. Shot me the moment I stepped into the door right there, hahaha! May I request an Arlecchino x reader, headcanon or anything you're comfortable coming up with. The reader is thousands of years old, who got disowned by the Tsaritsa because they declined their performance in greatness for someone else's benefit and saw no worth in her/them. Could be a sibling or a friend, the betrayal stung like a bee since she/they saw Tsaritsa as a mother figure or could literally be the mother (Got kunikuzushi'd in a way, minus the puppet part). So, here's the main part - How Arlecchino would handle that person, when they meet in hostile terms. An accidental encounter, had banters and fights and eventually found strange subtle solace from each other. Could be romantic, or just obsession on Arlecchino's part because we love deranged women pls step on me with your sharp heels - anyway, since Arlecchino is interpreted as someone who won't hesitant to betray the Fatui. On her own benefit, works with the reader to mess and interrupt Fatui operations. I won't include more or else you'd be dealing a whole thesis of it. Hahahah! Good day to you~!

One of Repetition

── ୨୧：arlecchino x reader

୨୧﹑synopsis :: in a strange decision nobody quite understood but could not contest, you were dismissed from your position by the tsaritsa herself but allowed to live. you wander for some time, lost and confused, and most notably unable to escape the fatui even when you are no longer associated with them, which means an unwanted letter and an even more unwanted visit from the knave.

୨୧﹑genre :: kinda angsty

୨୧﹑content :: fem reader, reader has a pyro vision, arlecchino has a cryo delusion, reader uses a bow, capitano is not human this time, he's just a plot device too, their previous relationship is implied but ambiguous, implied age difference, reader is most often called by the title brighella, writing this spiralled me into insanity, possibly bad writing, not proofread 

୨୧﹑words :: 13.6k

hehe, I know that Arlecchino simps flock to me once they learn my requests are open. I have no idea why. maybe they're just especially desperate for food, but they linger, and I have a little collection of anons.

don't worry about how much it'll take me, I honestly enjoy writing longer works. anyway, I received a request similar to this some time ago (was it you? I have encountered that before) but haven't gotten around to completing it, so I'll be partly combining the two

here's the other request:

it's gonna provide some stuff for me to follow, and I remember exactly when I got it, so I wanted to include it for the dear anon who sent it

why brighella you may ask well that's because brighella has been described before as essentially Arlecchino's smarter and more vindictive brother and they compliment each other well. I think Arlecchino may also work for Brighella in some versions?? either way it felt right even though they're not really based off of the character brighella, they do share a few traits with him but not fully it's just a fun little parallel

I really did not expect this to be so long that it literally lagged the writing program I was using to save it and I have been staring at this for so long I literally have no gauge on the quality anymore just that it's variable because it took me so long someone send help

Her words left you exasperated, literally at a loss for words, and you struggled to comprehend the reason for it. There was nothing you could think of, no instance that struck you as prominent. Yet, somehow as one of the Tsaritsa's children, you had become what any parent might refer to simply as a disappointment, their failure—the problem child who never quite ironed out their issues. You had always been faithful to her, hopelessly devoted to the archon and her will. News such as this came out of nowhere and struck you like a hammer to the chest.

Two of her most mighty children were near and dear to her, and now the other had turned against you as he remains loyal to her. The Jester, who you once held in high regard, has turned against you. It is a bitter pill to swallow, for you must now sever ties with the one man you believed was truly deserving of serving the Tsaritsa. Your mother— your world— turns against you with him, before him, leading the way for him. 

In vain, you draw your bow to strike an arrow between his eyes, prove your strength and power as above your position, above him, but it means nothing. Your strike is blocked, and the Tsarita's Damselette Columbina moves to detain you. You believe she would not be strong enough, but you don't itch to fight ten other Harbingers. You understand that even you have a limit, and fighting what are supposed to be the strongest people in the country is not a part of that. Your honour is on the line, an honour which would tarnish not only Brighella's name but also have a ripple effect on your soldiers, men and women who fought for you and did not deserve a punishment that would result from their actions.

"Think carefully, Brighella." Columbina's warning is not lost on you, "You could remain as a hero or fight, and I will lure the creature you brought from the abyss and gut him before your eyes."

You do not want that. That creature is not yet loyal to the Tsaritsa but to you, and she will convince him he can save you. He will fall into her trap and die.

You bite your lip, trying to think of a way to escape and capture him so that you can run off somewhere. He does not deserve to die, but you can't think of anything. Not when you know how thorough these people are. There is not a will, really. There is only a has. He has fallen into her trap and is at the mercy of the Damselette. "What if I am to obey?" You finally ask the question you did not want to, surrendering in a way, though the bite has not left your words.

"I'll leave him be." Her answer is swift. She expected that you would eventually give in and only needed to wait for it to happen.

You shake your head, dissatisfied with only that as your compensation. "Not enough."

The smile on her face does not waver, thin and deceitful as ever, eyes hidden and closed, unseen behind the band of lace. "Mm. I can't bargain anything else." 

"Have him take my place." You lay your condition out firmly. There is only one to meet, and not a hard one at that. It would be easy to sway him into it, using whatever they plan to do to you as motivation. His loyalty and affection for you would make him accept it.

She ponders the situation and proposal momentarily, powerless to make the executive decision but undoubtedly keen on the thought of it all. "He believes that you are about to fall in battle to a foe and that he is going to save you."

You grit your teeth, knowing that this is her trap. Lure him to a place. It was not what you had expected, but it is no less the Damselette's style of acting. There is always a damsel, but perhaps she recognised that she would not suffice this time. She needed a better damsel for him to save; for that to work, it needed to be you. 

She needs your name, reputation, your relationship with your subordinate, melding together with her lies to make for a tale of tragedy with him as the hero.

The thought of him rushing to his death under the guise of saving you spikes your blood cold, chilling you. You're aware of her cruelty and always have been, but to experience it is different than hearing about it from her perspective. You are experiencing it from the perspective of the victim. 

His death was another factor to hold over your head, your penance, the anchor to force your compliance. Your blood boils with anger, but you cannot fight. Despite your feelings of anger and frustration, you know that lashing out will only cause further harm and pain.

There is only one thing you can do. You know you must. It's simply that you don't want to. 

But...you must. 

You must for him, that poor creature you tried to give a home to and who would never be in such a position if not for you and your ambition. 

"Then I will fall, and you will use the honour I built into him to persuade him." 

It was an honour meant to humanise him in a way, a being only able to imitate humanity. He had a mentor and something to fight for. Now you're imploring that it be used against him to burden him, but he will do well in your position.

Columbina smiles, that thin mocking smile like she knows the secrets of this world and more. "Would he really believe that?"

The helmet. You should use the helmet to your advantage. Your subordinate's first exposure to humanity, being you, a woman in a metal helmet, seemed to last. He used to think that was what humans looked like, and he admitted as much to you as he had asked you to remove it. Your impression left an indelible mark on him that he treasures to this day. Even if he was to see you in the aftermath, he would not uncover the lie.

"He has never seen my face. He would not recognise me."

Columbina accepts that readily, and her eyes open, pools of black and white visible through the cracks in the lace over her eyes. You've seen them before, inky black sclera and inhuman patterns decorating the borders of her irises, but you can't help the unsettled feeling that makes a home for itself in the pit of your stomach. 

-

By the evening, you are stripped of your honours, titles and coat and dumped to the curb like a bag of rubbish somebody left out. There is no more fight, no more bargaining, no more arguing. Everyone has the things they want, for the most part, so you are all satisfied enough to remain amicable with each other. Without a fight, you allow the Jester to remove the fur-lined overcoat despite the cold that rushes over you once it is gone and discarded in a heap of fur and fabric on the floor with none of its previous value. 

After that comes the slow, deliberate removal of every trinket that denoted you as you. From your delusion, several gifts to your very insignia, the only thing left of you is a lone pyro vision and the clothes on your back. You've never been more thankful to not wear a standard-issue uniform lest you be made to undress and hand that over too.

That was it. Your everything.

With each piece of regalia taken, a part of yourself disappeared until you were left an empty husk of a person, your entire reason for being for hundreds of years snatched out from under you and spat on.

The Harbingers were supposed to be the children of the Tsaritsa, and this was your grand disowning. A show of power and influence over her closest children and, by extension, the ability to bring pain to her less-- to her followers. It was foolish of you to ever think you were special in her eyes for having been by her side since before the Archon War. What did it matter when she left you amongst the rest of them? The years you spent since you had hobbled into her life so tiny and cute were now reduced to a few personal belongings and a set of words that shattered your world to sharp and dangerous pieces that would only hurt you in your haste to reassemble them and string your life back together.

When you were young, your cuteness may have been your best asset: a small body with endearing quirks, the inability to walk long distances without tumbling. In this state, you required her for everything because you would only find danger in the harsh Snezhnayan winters. To even acquire your own food was unthinkable, so you were sheltered and provided with ample treats that you could nibble from the palm of her hand if that were what you wished. Anything to keep you happy and content.

Like a little trinket, she cradled you for as many years as it took you to grow, and once you were at an age you no longer needed to be cradled, she made you her loyal companion, or so you had believed. You thought her affection for you was unwavering. She was the only mother you had ever known; she is the only mother you will remember for all of eternity.

Although it may have been an exaggeration, watching the sun's gradual descent below the horizon, you could almost believe eternity would quickly prove to be a very real concept. You watch the sky darken in silence for a time. You roam aimlessly around the city, your presence still striking unease in the people from the threatening demeanour you learned to conduct yourself with as a Harbinger, even without your official attire. The only remnant of your former self is a helmet you consistently wore during every public appearance. 

You can't help your wandering mind. Did your imitation of the Tsaritsa's actions make you weak? Attempting to nurture someone in the same manner she nurtured you? You are not a god, only the former child of one. Maybe you cannot care for him and maintain your objectivity. It's possible that he has become your Achilles' heel, as you were forewarned when the Tsaritsa less than subtly suggested you eliminate him.

You cannot live like this.

No matter how many suns you watched set, you would never come to terms with it living like this. The world you once knew, which revolved around a singular governing entity and individual, has disappeared without a trace. Without a central axis to anchor it in place, your world spirals chaotically out of control, with each passing second feeling more frenzied than the last. Your head is too muddled, your brain too overwhelmed by your emotions to think objectively of the faults in your time as a Harbinger, years of your life spent that way, burying your thoughts beneath a heavy weight of despair.

You almost want to call them wasted, but that would be wrong. Without the Tsaritsa, you might've— no, would've died during the Archon War. Perhaps another god would take you in, but it is unlikely that they would have exhibited the same level of compassion and generosity as the Tsaritsa. They would not have coddled you into comfort the way she did. Then again, what if that had been your downfall? Did she ever genuinely want you to stay? Based on this...perhaps you took her kindness for granted and overstayed your welcome.

You had no right to make demands of her in your final moments as her child, acting like a spoiled brat throwing a temper tantrum. But can you be justified? Can the threat to your subordinate's life negate that? Surely a bit, but not entirely, not if her actions were in response to yours. 

Oh, even if you begged on your knees, she would not take you back now.

Why had you not done that before?

She must be disappointed that your attitude was born from her compassion, the epitome of her failures. You do not deserve to call her your mother. You took her generosity as a guarantee, thought yourself above her other children solely because you were her first, and believed you were her favourite for no reason besides your own arrogance.

You have failed the only being in Teyvat willing to show pity toward you.

-

The deepest heart of Snezhnayan forest welcomes you readily with open arms and the gnashing jaws of monsters starving for food. The forest seems to come alive with a vicious hunger for flesh. You have nothing but your vision and bow left to aid your defence. Your delusion is gone, and your subordinates are nowhere to be found to assist you. Despite this, marking your way with a trail of bodies is easy. It is just an inconvenience to have to always be on guard, but you are strangely used to it. 

The cold is numbing as the air hits your face, your fingers almost wholly without a sensation of touch and even a tingle in your toes.

You spent many missions that way, tensed and expecting violence at any moment, hardly allowing yourself to sleep, let alone relax. It feels like nothing has changed in that respect, but you know everything has. You cannot hear the large crackling bonfire or the pattering of footsteps in the snow as your subordinates come to join you, their laughter and chatter and their whispers to each other.

There is a stark silence that is deafening to your ears.

-

On the seventh night, you pass through a village on the outskirts of Snezhnaya, where you first catch wind of the news you had agreed on. The locals informed you that they had recently halted their work for half a day in your honour, believing that you had passed away. All of them are completely unaware that as they remark on the death of Brighella, they are speaking to the former Harbinger, who asks about the news under the guise of being a curious traveller. They also strongly advised you against venturing into the innermost heart of the nation. If anyone were to notice the helmet carefully secured around your waist, it might bring unwanted attention to your travels.

Though you were stripped of your insignia, you have your armour, which by some grace had been spared from confiscation. Though a seemingly trivial act of kindness, a sense of pride swelled within you as you gazed upon it. You are glad it is still yours. This armour had accompanied you through countless blood-soaked skirmishes, serving as a steadfast shield against all manner of danger. 

It is at that moment you decide to treat it as a trophy. Though there is no truth to it, you take responsibility for the Harbinger's slaying. Now, the armour which once protected you as a Harbinger will stand as a triumphant emblem of your hard-won victory over Brighella and the end of the Harbinger's tyrannical hold over the land. You know that you will keep it close, treasuring it always as a tangible reminder of the sacrifices you made to reach this pivotal moment. You slayed Brighella. You ended the Harbinger's tyranny.

If you didn't know better, you would think you were getting a little too far into it and starting to believe it yourself.

By the eleventh night, you find yourself situated in an inn, and the nights only carry on from there all the way up to the twenty-second night since your abrupt dismissal and, to the rest of the world, your supposed demise. Already, the whispers that once revolved around Brighella's defeat now shifted to speculations regarding her successor. The question was not necessarily who, but who could possibly? Her brutal reign as a Harbinger had instilled fear in the hearts of all who crossed her path and in the minds of the people, no one else could measure up to her sheer terror-inducing presence. Nobody knows what happened once they dared to fight Brighella until now. She was only the Fourth of the Tsaritsa's children, but she was the most combat-heavy, and no one wished to cross her, except for the rumoured contender for her throne, who was spoken of in hushed tones as nobody was eager to have their reverence for whoever was bold enough to reach the wrong ears.

Your achievements find their place amongst the rumours as people say that Brighella's killer stole her armour and wears it as her trophy.

Despite the slew of gossip that its patrons indulge in, you enjoy the quaintness of this bar made and run by travellers who use it like a pitstop to rest and recuperate. It is a home to them, along with adventurers and merchants who benefit from the atmosphere. The people are strangers, often reserved and eager to keep to themselves, but have immeasurable wealths of information that spill with a few drinks and a group of acquaintances who are, for only one night of pleasure and indulgence, their lifelong friends.

Among those friends buried in your own tankard of cheap ale, you laugh along with their jokes and entertain their questions like a test of your ability to lie and improvise in this tale you're making for yourself. If they have names, you don't know them. Brighella's death was a glorious battle but isolated to the hills where you were alone.

"Brighella was alone, and they were weakened by prior injury. I don't know what caused it." You mix a dash of the speculations in, downplaying your strength a tad as you're unwilling to expose too much of it. "I'm not one to miss an opportunity. When would it arise again?"

One of your new acquaintances scoffs, amused but no less aware of the dangers of doing such a thing. "And make an enemy of the Fatui?" He is a new graduate of the Sumeru Akademiya who's come to make his way through Snezhnaya for a job offer. Reminds you of someone else, minus the graduating.

"They will not miss her." You are quick to answer—too quick, arguably—as it draws a sliver of attention before dipping back under the radar as a product of your confidence. "Her 'head' makes too cute a decoration on my side to pass up stealing it."

"I wouldn't dare say such a thing. Fatuus comes here sometimes." They are the words of a Snezhnayan native raised to worship the Fatui, though he is somewhat disillusioned by their crimes and cruelty, as you've learned many are.

"Let them hear it!" Your laughter is boisterous and unabashed. "They'll see the armour anyway. They probably despise her like everyone else."

Another one of your new friends, a travelling merchant from Fontaine, interjects your ravings to add only a passing comment. It was as she had done all evening, her secrets locked up tight. "She did not make herself likeable."

"She was not meant to be likeable but a fearsome warrior." Again, the Snezhnayan man rebuttals the criticism against her as he had been doing all evening again.

"You don't have to get so far up her ass, Brighella's not gonna crawl out of her grave and thank you for it."

"You're so vulgar."

You plant your tankard firmly down on the table between the four of you, leaning over it to close the distance between you and the man. "I'm not meant to be likeable either."

Forget being only a little too into the role. You're revelling in the freedom of this new identity of yours.

Quick to disperse the tension, your graduate friend changes the topic without a hint of hesitance in his voice. "They left an underling people believe will take their place. It's a surprise to think Brighella had someone who followed them with such...devotion."

"It's strange, but not impossible." The merchant from Fontaine again, contributing nothing you weren't all already thinking.

"Could she have had a sentimental side?"

"Who cares if she had a sentimental side?"

"Upset the attention isn't on you anymore?"

Anger crosses your face, but you stifle it just as quickly as it appears. You wish their attention was off of you, really. The former you, maybe, but you nonetheless. You want to know about your subordinate. What happened to your second in command? You don't care to hear their speculation as to whether you were or were not particularly emotional with your underlings. You know the answers to all of those questions and more without their guessing games.

"Regardless of the reason, they say the underlying is much easier to swallow than she is, so maybe the position of Fourth Harbinger will change drastically if he takes it." 

"Would he really change its purpose if he was so loyal?"

"Unintentionally, perhaps."

God, these people are so dull. Just listening to them, you can tell they know nothing of the ways of the Fatui. Harbingers are not individual job positions with specific parameters. Each role is its own, and they are moulded by the person who assumes them like a character in a play, enchanting and unsettling in a horrific mix of theatrics and violence. It is what they stand for. One does not assume the role and become an actor with a script. They must improvise and act on a whim to the beat of the Tsaritsaʼs drum, their life no longer their own.

They are not whatever these ramblings and poor excuses for speculations make them out to be.

"Terribly misinformed, aren't they?" In your ear is the low voice of the Snezhnayan man holding in his laughter at the two as the scholar and the merchant go back and forth. 

You glance to your left, where he has leaned closer to you. "Repulsively," you respond curtly.

He has a faint glint of satisfaction in his eye as you seem to have confirmed something. "I thought you might've been from Snezhnaya." 

"So what if I am?"

"It was only an observation."

In the background, the main conversation continues, just as clumsy as it was before you had tuned it out in favour of drinking some more. "Does this mean he will also be named Brighella?"

Straightening back in his seat, the man swiftly interjected their back-and-forth responses to explain to them. "They receive a unique title upon their promotion, and nobody knows what it is until then." A simple enough concept to understand.

"In other words, anything but Brighella."

"It hasn't been long enough to know yet."

"It's strange. Nobody knows his name even now."

That would probably be because you never gave him one.

You considered it in the years you spent with him but couldn't find one you liked. His name was inhuman, not for your ears and not for your tongue, rendering it useless to you and every human who would hear it. The night you found him was spent crowded around a bonfire listing off every suggestion you and your subordinates could think of to no avail, as he only sat quietly by your side and said little about any of these choices, finding no familiarity in any of them. That's only natural, you suppose. 

You still haven't chosen a name for yourself that isn't Brighella, either. Your old one is well and truly forgotten, with the years eroding your memories. It had been centuries since you had been called anything else. Evidently, picking names is not your forte. 

"As far as I've heard, nobody knows what it is."

You find the mention of your subordinate has completely ruined your mood. You are grateful the creature is alive but worried the knowledge you're snooping around to find out when he will be promoted could land you in trouble. It's troubling enough to wonder if he has heard your tales through the grapevine about how you had supposedly 'killed' Brighella—his mistress and mentor—which he would not be happy about. Though you did not fear the creature before, now that you've personally trained him to understand human combat, you're not so sure you'd want to fight him. It would be a hassle. Unlike many, you do not fear the inhumanity of the Doctor or the stone wall that's called the Jester. Even the cunning Damselette struggles to do more than unsettle you, but you respect that creature's raw strength and understand that no matter what you do, it doesn't matter. You are confined to a human form, and he is not.

You lied when he said he wouldn't recognise you, however. You don't actually know if he would.

You don't know the extent to which his eyes can pick out the details in your appearance that aren't physical. Had he memorised your relative build? Your height? The way you carry yourself and your mannerisms? The thought unnerves you, but so does everything else about him.

"I'm turning in for the night." Without regard for the ongoing conversation, you declare your intentions and abruptly shut down whatever is being said at the time without much care for it. Whatever it is, it isn't important. Your unfinished drink is left behind as you make your way to your quarters.

In retrospect, you understand their eagerness to merely cover up the circumstances of your dismissal. For a Harbinger as feared as Brighella, it is easier to halt work for a mere half-day rather than attempt to contain the resulting fallout of admitting one of their own was inadequate while simultaneously preserving their tenuous hold on power.

-

Months pass before there is talk of the crowning of a new Harbinger, the people abuzz with the news and eager to know all they can, preferably before the aristocrats feel like sharing the night of the event. You considered attending the ceremony but ultimately decided against it. You may have the courage to do so, but you are certainly not stupid enough to wander into the waiting heart of the Fatui's clutches. You have waited patiently for this moment and can easily wait longer to hear the news.

No longer treating the inn like a home, you settled somewhere in the plains of another nation only a few weeks after you had first arrived there, sensing the barkeep was getting sick of you and the attention you were drawing to his otherwise obscure establishment. 

People settled there for a night, saw you were there, and word of mouth as they boasted of their encounters with you lured others who came to see you. While this influx of new customers certainly provided a boost to business, it also had the unintended consequence of driving away those who preferred to keep a low profile and valued its place as being for those 'in the know'. In other words, while you were great for a boom in business, you were bad for long-term business. 

The barkeep pushing the mora you tried to pay him to pay for another night was enough to send the message he wanted you gone, out by morning. The idea you were not to come back for quite some time was clear to you in the look he gave you.  

Liyue, on the other hand, is filled with mountains and teeming with visitors who have come to witness the highly anticipated Rite of Descension. Surprisingly, the influx of tourism only adds to the overall enjoyment of your experience. You would think that tourism would hinder your time there, but completely contrary it makes it better in a way. The locals are expecting an influx of outsiders to come to see the Geo Archon in person, and, as a result, they are not only willing to hire help for the time but also serve later at food stalls, and the place is livelier. 

People notice you less as you blend into a crowd of people who don't belong, and you slip under the radar.

You have no interest in the Rite of Descension nor the Geo Archon, and most of your time is spent outside the Harbour.

Wangshu Inn is still within Liyue but at a considerable distance from the Harbour, a mid-point between there and the border to Mondstadt. It is quieter, which is neither good nor bad, and home to some very understanding owners who ask so few questions it almost alarms you. Nonetheless, you crave respite from the chaos and theatrics you were revelling in as a reprieve from the stress you were under, wondering how you would live your life now. At one point, you relished being hailed as a hero by many, but it soon became overwhelming, and you found yourself trapped in the clutches of Brighella once again.

Whether by design or happenstance, your identity had begun to consume your life again, and if you wanted to have any hope of living outside of Brighella, then that had to stop. And so, you sought out a place to lay down your burdens and unwind, leading you to where you are now.

You arrive your old self, and despite clinging to it since your travels had begun, you remove every piece of your armour for what you intend to be a long time and leave it all neatly arranged for when you eventually return to it. You feel compelled to finally don the fresh outfit you acquired during your journey through Fontaine. Admittedly floor-length dresses and extravagance are not your style after years of being cooped up in a heavy suit of armour, but there's something alluring about trying out a new look, especially when it involves pants that don't weigh more than a third of your body weight. Besides, you always kind of liked them anyway, just...not yet. Now seems like a good time to dip your toes in.

You almost don't recognise yourself when you finally see yourself in the mirror. Perhaps you got too used to seeing a metal helmet staring back at you and a suit of armour for a body, but the fresh air against your skin and lighter clothes feels...good. 

For the first time in a while, you feel free.

The new outfit is making you giddy, too giddy for your taste. You don't recall having such an innate pep in your step, only one that felt deserved, but this different. While you typically associate a sense of satisfaction with having earned it through hard work or perseverance, this newfound exuberance seems to come from just existing in your new clothes. You are happy just because even if there is nothing to feel happy about. It's as if the simple act of wearing them has given you a boost, despite not having accomplished anything significant. It doesn't even seem like you made much progress toward becoming yourself when you lay it all out on paper. You bought clothes and wore them, that's it. 

Something about it feels so much like yourself. The freedom to stray from what you thought you were until now, something you hadn't dared to try before.

One thing you like about Wangshu Inn is how it serves even people who aren't staying there. The ground floor overlooking the water is designated as almost a kind of restaurant. People filter in and out to be served, stay for lunch, meet with friends, and take breaks from their missions. It is meant as a place for travelling merchants, but you find that is not all its patrons see in it.

You are not nearly as sociable as you were in the Snezhnayan bar you were at, but this seems more manageable anyway.

"If you've come looking for work, the Adventurer's Guild may have a place for you." A suggestion from a merchant who struck up an idle conversation with you for some reason sticks with you. You can't say why, but you imagine a product of boredom.

"They accept anyone?" Your surprise is evident in your tone, as you thought they might have tighter restrictions.

Just as in disbelief fact as you are, he shrugs, "As long as you've got enough power to back yourself, a friend of mine said they'll accept anyone."

That sounds far too good to be true, at least for your taste. "And it doesn't matter where you come from or where you go?"

"Adventurers are known to get restless in one place for too long."

"I see, and you can just go up a--"

"Excuse me, miss." You don't remember hearing that voice, but you recognise the attire when you turn your head just enough to be met with the sight of a cicin mage standing before you impatiently awaiting your attention. The top half of her face is concealed, as is customary, but there's no mistaking the unkind smile that tugs at the corners of her lips as you meet her gaze.

Has she come for retribution? 

Despite your fears of having to make a mess, the woman reveals a letter that is sealed with wax and extends it towards you, expecting you to receive it sooner rather than later as she waves it slightly as a form of incentive. "From the Damselette," she adds.

"What could the Damselette want with me?"

"Perhaps a warning." The words slip by, quiet but noticeable, immediately catching your attention. You raise an eyebrow at her. She's slowly unveiling her contempt at your presence; you're very aware of that fact. You are not familiar with her. It is unlikely that she ever worked under your command. However, it is possible that she might've held a certain level of regard, which has since turned to hostility as rumours of her arrogant killer run rampant. "I don't know. I'm not privy to those things."

Your eyes glance over her from head to toe in thought, scrutinising her for any indication of where her animosity came from. However, there is nothing that gives away her motives. You break your gaze away from her and glance down at the letter in your hand. "I suggest you get a better hold of your tongue. They don't like it when you're rude to their guests."

Her smile does not waver. "You are not a guest." She states that fact with glaringly false politeness.

"Everyone who recieves correspondence from a Harbinger is a guest."

You suppose you can't fault her disdain when all is said and done.

From somewhere tucked away in her clothing, she pulls what appears to be a knife from your peripheral vision and points it at you, but you look up to find it is only a blunt letter opener balanced in the palm of her hand, waiting to be picked up.

"I was ordered to stay until you had read the letter to deliver her your response."

Just as she believes you are a murderer, the letter addresses you as such. Your lies have reached her ears. Moreover, she is playing along with them.

You expected threats and unfair deals, but it is only an update on what is happening regarding your position, the reassurance that they have not violated the terms of the agreement made. A half-hearted apology and an excuse. Preparations set them back, supposedly.

While you imagine preparing not only a funeral but a ceremony to announce the next Harbinger does take time, it would not take this much time with how prepared they were to kill you off in the first place. It was a planned betrayal.

It just looks better if they don't appear so prepared.

For whatever reason, perhaps your consolation prize for enduring her shameless lies, she shares a secret with you. As you casually scan the letter with little care for its contents, your attention is immediately drawn to the heart of the matter. It's the very subject on everyone's minds and all that anyone speaks of. 

Il Capitano. His name is Il Capitano.

Personally, you would not have picked it, but that does not mean that you hate the name. Quite the opposite, in fact, as you have to admit that when you envision the name paired with his face, it suits him well. She ends the letter promising that she will 'take good care of him', though you know that your respective ideas of those words do not align or even coexist in the same universe. There is an unmistakable discrepancy between her intentions and your own, and you don't like it.

"Come back to us, Brighella. You can watch everything you wanted in person."

-

You won't go back. It's a trap.

Irritated, you find yourself back in the heart of the country where nobody lurks, haphazard in the way you fire your arrows at every creature that dares to disturb your sense of peace. It's hard to focus, and you don't bother trying. Liyue is not the same as Snezhnaya, with open plains broken up by rocky mountains. The creatures are mostly the same, and all die the same, hilichurls and geovishaps running rampant and shot down into piles of meat and rocks.

It doesn't matter how loudly you shout, as there's nobody around to hear it. You could scream, cry, and throw a tantrum all you want, and it won't matter. Even if you throw yourself at the ground and bang your head into the dirt, nobody will see it.

This is all pointless. You will never escape. It will never matter how far you roam or how fast you run.

Why did you think you could? Had your brain melted from your head?

There is no other side. There is no salvation. You are owned from the day you're brought in until the day you die, but why? Why did they want to bring you back to Snezhnaya? What was the point? You are out of the way now, hardly causing trouble for them. Despite this, everything seems to be running smoothly, even with the liberties you have taken in your new role. Was that it? The reason they wanted you to see?

It must be. There is no other reason to risk exposing the lie otherwise. Unless it was to tarnish the Fatui's reputation.

You refuse to believe it is something as innocent as wanting to see your request honoured. Nothing is innocent within the Fatui, not an action without hidden intentions or motives. Centuries of watching their misdeeds from the inside, which always go unpunished and unchallenged by anyone except the powerless commoners, have taught you that there is always an ulterior motive lurking behind their actions.

Not to mention it came from Columbina.

You must've spent three days out there before finally returning to Wangshu Inn, dirtied by the elements and craving something to eat, like a child's insatiable desire for sweets. The dead of night provides a cover for you to take a dip in the water beside the inn in an attempt to rinse the dirt and sweat off of you. It dawns on you that your new clothes would've been ruined if you hadn't had the foresight to change before venturing out again. In that moment, thoughts of the Fatui and the memories evoked by your armour flooded your mind, and you didn't want the same thing to happen to the clothes that had made you so happy from the moment you put them on.

It feels childish how you cling to these things.

A part of you just can't help it, torn between holding onto the memories that define who you believe yourself to be and starting anew with a clean slate. Neither can win. One is stuck on the past and what little you have of it, and the other wants to abandon all of that and start completely fresh.

The half-compromise you are trying desperately to make work by accepting that what's gone is gone while keeping your armour close to your heart is obviously not working. The thought of discarding it pains you too much to actually do it, plagued by the urge to melt it down to scrap metal while also being overwhelmed by the knowledge you will regret doing that as soon as you see the mess that would be left of it.

Your new clothes make you happy, so you need more new things to make you even happier, right? If new means you glean happiness, then more new is what will help you move past all of this deliberation in your head.

Clothes were a given, and...maybe a haircut? Yeah. You should try cutting your hair and decide on a name for yourself that isn't Brighella. Something you want, a name you like, that you can look at yourself and see that person reflected in a mirror. The person you think you are supposed to be when you look past the expectation that has been instilled in you.

That merchant you spoke to mentioned the Adventurer's Guild might have a place for you. What if you should be helping people instead of hurting them? What if you only did that to please the Tsaritsa?

In the background of your thoughts, you walk yourself back to your room at the Wangshu Inn and collapse onto your bed, thinking. Though you are exhausted, you cannot bring yourself to sleep for one reason or another. You make excuses for yourself just to ignore the glaring root of the problem you know is there but refuse to acknowledge. The problem isn't really how hot or cold the room is or the texture of your blankets and how much you dislike the humidity in the air. Something else entirely is keeping you from rest.

Your hair isn't the problem either, or your clothes. Even your lack of a proper name really doesn't bother you. They're only the illusion of change you're using to cover up how truly lost you have become now that you have to think for yourself.

How long have you been alive now? Centuries at least. You can't even live independently after that long? No. No, you can't.

You are so lonely, you are lost, you are confused. You need company, you need guidance, and you need purpose. How are you supposed to live? Where is the person who will tell you what to do every day? 

You have to make that choice yourself? You can't do that. You've never done that. 

The thought of even something so basic scaring you so severely brings you to a weakness you never realised you even possessed. Fear surges through the very depths of your being, an unfamiliar sensation that you find unsettling. You don't like it, but it's an impossible feeling to push down and ignore. Over the years, you had quietly collected your shortcomings into a neat little jar and pushed it aside, out of sight, away from your conscious thought, as if pretending you were invincible. 

What would you have done if you had gotten to Capitano? Make him decide?

He can't. He's not human. He doesn't know enough to decide. You've only made him just like you, a fearsome man until he's abandoned and vulnerable like you have become, and then he'll be pathetic and helpless too.

Nothing came out of any of your efforts, did it? It couldn't have possibly. Even with every attempt you made, it was always doomed to fail.

-

It turns out that the Adventurer's Guild was more than happy to take you in, in a way. They put you right to work. It helps to take your mind off of things if nothing else. It's mindless work, able to tune out everything in your brain and run on auto-pilot. You take to this life so well it scares you, completing your tasks with so little trouble you wonder how this isn't more popular, even if some are arguably unnecessary. If only you were good at proper cooking, you might get rich from the tens of requests for certain dishes. 

You're irresistibly drawn to the combat, right back to the heat of battle where you feel truly alive. In all you've had to question, your love for the thrill of fighting has never been up for debate. You're unsure whether it's the adrenaline or something else, but you don't care to know, either. You don't concern yourself with such questions. It's not important to you why, so long as you find comfort in it. It's the one thing you cannot be robbed of. 

A hard day's work is always rewarding.

"Make sure you be careful today." A fellow adventurer is quick to catch you before you can wander off for your next quest, smiling and unbothered despite his words. You've never met him, but he speaks as if you have.

Something about the bond of adventurers is so reminiscent of the Fatui.

You turn back to place your full attention on him rather than the grilled tiger fish you had acquired out of curiosity about the taste. "Why's that?" You're not too bothered, expecting him to tell you that it's dangerous out there, the Abyss Order existing and all.

"The Fatui are restless."

His words catch you off-guard, light in tone as they are. In outward appearances, he's mostly unbothered, while the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end.

You try to grasp your bearings just enough to speak. "They don't do that for fun." Something about it is just as shaky as you expected, unable to fully mask it, but you figure he'll blame it on nerves.

"Harbinger, apparently." He doesn't draw attention to your demeanour, so neither do you.

"Which one?"

"Dunno."

It's probably Columbina. Maybe you pissed her off when you shot the messenger. Yeah, she probably wouldn't appreciate that. When you did it in a fit of anger, you expected her to find it funny after coming to your senses.

"Hey. Something wrong?"

You startle as you realise he had been speaking that whole time, and you just weren't listening.

"Sorry?"

"I said it's weird that they'd be up and about so soon after the newest was officially promoted."

You deadpan a little, realising it wasn't something of actual value, just a misconception that the greatest powers that be in Snezhnaya aren't spiteful enough to hate each other just as much as they hate everyone else. "Not really. They're not particularly sentimental."

"They don't even care to go out drinking for their own?"

"They hardly know how to tolerate each other." You realise your slip of the tongue too late, seeming too familiar. That's a problem. He barely draws attention to it, only making a strange face.

"Well, whatever the reason, work doesn't stop for them."

In silence, you agree and continue your day as if you really believe that.

-

As you wrap up your work for the day, you feel a sense of pleasant exhaustion wash over you. It struck you as strange that nobody was out in the wild, even the usual fatuus you avoid. Something about it was uniquely eerie. It dawns on you why he came to the conclusion that the Fatui were 'restless'. They must have retreated into the city to prepare for the impending arrival of the Harbinger destined to disrupt the small peace you had found. The sudden influx of fatuus in Liyue would make it seem like they are increasing in numbers nationwide when in reality, they are just moving.

You're not going to let it bother you for now.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know you have promised yourself that repeatedly and have found it to be a lie, but you mean it this time. You're familiar enough with the workings of the Fatui to know that they don't like to leave sectors alone for too long, and Liyue had spent a fair time before your dismissal unchecked. 

Even at night, you remain unbothered when you wander Liyue for a time, looking for something to do and notice what he was talking about.

Many of them are fussing more than usual, meaning that chances are it's too late to inhibit the process of this Harbinger arriving. You could turn tail and run, scurry off to the other side of Teyvat and settle in Fontaine or even Natlan, but you like it here.

You sit in the heart of Liyue, listening to a speaker tell his stories. You know you shouldn't linger, but you tell yourself you can for just a little while longer. It reminds you of the past, filled with Liyue legends you remember hearing about as news at the time they took place. The fact these tales are now old enough to be suitable for a speaker's recitation as 'legends' is a grim reminder that maybe you're older than you realised. Your early life is now from the time of legends. You can push that feeling aside to focus on the nostalgia of hearing these stories.

Beside you, you hear the chair move but don't budge from looking to see who it is, assuming that all other chairs are taken or that it's an adventurer who got curious, possibly even the man you had spoken to earlier about all of the Fatui--

“Reminiscing, Brighella?”

You recognise both that voice and that name and go stiff, eyes finding her before your head can even turn in her direction.

In front of you—or rather, across from you—the Knave sits upon the other chair at your table as if she was always supposed to be there, seemingly at ease, but you know better than to assume her guard is down. Arlecchino has always had an icy composure, though she can be hot-headed at times and can lose her temper when provoked. It's not surprising that she was able to track you down, even without knowing what your face looks like.

She turns to you leisurely, unhurried. "I came to look for you since you missed the ceremony." It sounds like a greeting the way she speaks those words. You suppose it is one, really.

Ah, maybe you should've been worried after all.

You try to play off your emotions as if you're completely unfazed by her presence. It's the only way to maintain some semblance of control. "Did Columbina not like my gift?"

"Oh, she rather enjoyed it." Arlecchino maintains a similar composure, knowing approaching you in public means employing subtlety as much as it means she's less likely to be attacked. "She felt it was just the kind of gift you would give."

"I try my best not to disappoint." Your response is less enthusiastic than you might like, a hint of nervousness infesting your brain and refusing to budge.

Despite this, she doesn't notice, not outwardly. Really, that means nothing, as you are very aware of how good her poker face is. "Il Capitano hasn't stopped speaking about how much he'd like to kill you. You don't want to disappoint, do you?" When you were waiting for her to speak, those weren't the words you expected to hear, but somehow you're not fully surprised either.

"I see, so my lies reached even his ears." 

You thought as much.

"I think you'll be quite surprised when you see him." Her reply is so cocky that you almost scoff at her.

"Who said I would be seeing him?" You try to match the audacity she had to make such a remark.

She turns to you rather casually for the words she speaks, an odd tone you can't quite place, lacing her words half like mockery. "You miss him, don't you?"

It's that question that makes you snort and turn away as you realise that her negotiation and persuasion skills are abysmal for such a cunning and intelligent woman. "Not enough to become foolish enough to trust someone whose title denotes them as dishonest and untrustworthy." You always wondered about that, really. "A name like 'the Knave' really isn't subtle."

"Funny." She doesn't laugh or even smile. "I believe yours was something close to 'bother'."

You lean back in your chair, testing it slightly as you push the front legs off the floor as a means of entertaining yourself through this frankly dull conversation. "Then I suppose we're both living up to our names."

She remains silent for several seconds, pondering her next words. You can see her fingers rub against the wood of the chair as a distraction. 

"The others told me it was pointless to try to bring you back."

"They were right."

"You won't come back for any reason?"

"I know a trap when I see one."

"Of course."

Silence, again. You don't care to break it, either. You came to hear the stories, and you really would like to continue that rather than listening to her voice, but she's not making it easy.

"Is that all now?" Your voice shows your impatience more than you might like, but you realise it may work in your favour if she senses she's annoying you.

For the first time in a while, she smiles faintly to herself. "For now. Your answer is abundantly clear." She appears to concede, if only for a little while

You let the chair land back on all of its legs and lean your elbow on the table. 

"Are you going to get out of that chair?"

"No."

"And why is that?"

"It's comfortable."

The urge to roll your eyes brims in your mind, but you stop yourself. You don't want to give the Knave the satisfaction of knowing something she is already well aware of. Besides that, you don't want her to know that you really don't want her here in any capacity. Arlecchino's presence is never a good thing.

You let out a tentative breath as you consider your next words quite carefully. The wrong thing might have Arlecchino never leaving you, and the right one might drive her back to Snezhnaya if you're lucky. You shift your whole body to face her. "You just arrived from Snezhnaya, I take it. What do you want to eat?"

She eyes you suspiciously, scrutinising you for any sign of trying to fool her into consuming poison or making herself sick. "You're feeding me now?"

You pretend you don't notice her intensity. "Well, you're not leaving. It would look strange for me to order food for myself."

Again she smiles to herself, a light mockery that's cautious and testing, easing herself into accepting your offer. "I wasn't aware you cared so much."

"You could starve if you'd prefer." You turn away as you speak and don't look back, shifting yourself back in your seat to be front-facing.

There's a quietness between the two of you, both waiting for the answer to your proposal. You have an inkling Arlecchino will accept, but you don't know with her. She never seemed especially pleased by the times the Jester would convene you all over meals and such, ending up in fights and bickering. She never fought with you, however, so perhaps it's different. 

"Order whatever you like."

You find yourself looking intently at a list of the options on the menu. It's quite a lengthy list. "Mm..." Even though it's just a false invitation and you're doing it to be courteous, you can't say you aren't enjoying the thought of picking out a meal and sharing it with her. Despite your removal from the Fatui's affairs for some time, you'd be lying if you thought you weren't at least a little curious. "Jade Parcels...and maybe Jade Fruit Soup? But Dragon Beard Noodles sound good too..."

Becoming slightly irritated by your indecision, Arlecchino looks across the table to where you are sitting deep in thought. "Is it that complicated of a decision?"

You spare her only a glance before returning to looking for something she would enjoy. "I have to pick something you'll like, don't I?"

Soup is more challenging to share than noodles are.

With that, your decision is made, and you settle. Despite yourself, you are somewhat restless in thought. Arlecchino's lack of contribution is slightly frustrating, but it sounds like she'd be content with anything. You're not sure if your choice is the correct one, but you believe you picked something to the best of your abilities that is easy, even to a foreign tongue. As far as you know, Arlecchino is from Fontaine. You've never eaten like this with Arlecchino to know her tastes or dietary restrictions.

"Jade Parcels and Dragon Beard Noodles. Sound good?"

"It'll do."

"Good. I'll go order it, then."

Arlecchino must be surprised that you returned, as she doesn't seem too thrilled. She never really does, but there was a disappointed glint in her eye right up until you walked in front of her to get to your chair. 

It continues until you get the food, and Arlecchino finally stares at it with an overwhelming sense of dread, left with an intense feeling of apprehension regarding whether. You appear not to hesitate, though this arrangement isn't quite what she had expected. Arlecchino had thought you would order enough dishes that you wouldn't have to share, but you seemed to understand it in a way that meant you would be eating from the same bowl.

You notice her hesitation almost immediately, yet your vexation with her arrival makes you unwilling to acknowledge that you know the reason, a deliberate miscommunication on your part. "Mm. I didn't think this through." Your words seem to make her perk up as if you will free her from her awkwardness by asking for another bowl. "You probably aren't used to using chopsticks, are you? Not many dishes that need those back home."

She knows you're toying with her, that sweet smile from across the table hardly hiding your true intentions. Arlecchino waits, watching to see what you will do next, as she looks back at you with a scowl. 

Her eyes do not leave you as you wordlessly collect a Jade Parcel and present it to her like you are patronising her with this action. Your feigned kindness, this supposed benevolence of you offering to feed her like a child, no doubt hoping she'll back down and excuse herself completely. 

She won't let you do that and have the satisfaction of seeing her back down. She won't allow you to break her facade of acceptance.

Though you circle the food in front of her slowly, only a motion with your fingers trying to convince her or make her as uncomfortable as possible, Arlecchino continues to stare for several more moments. Eventually, she musters the courage to relinquish some of her pride.

Arlecchino leans in slightly, just enough to open her mouth and take a bite from the food you hold out for her. Despite the circumstances that led to this moment, she can't help but acknowledge your good taste. Arlecchino couldn't possibly eat another bite that way, though. Not being fed by the woman who is now her adversary just to avoid her 'winning' in the situation, but admitting she is willing to let you get under her skin is not an option either.

She must treat this situation differently, as if you are merely feeding her out of obligation to her rather than because you have your own motives.

It hardly stops her from enjoying her portion of the meal from the chopsticks you share with her. At some point, it finally occurs to her that you only hold one pair, leaving her set untouched despite feeding her. You had been feeding her with the same set you ate with the entire time, and while you were well aware of that, it hardly seemed to alarm you as much as it alarmed her.

Your biggest disappointment was being unable to get rid of her that whole time, watching her readily accept whatever you tried to use against her. Watching a Harbinger practically bow their head and obey you, however, fuels your consciousness. It's like eye candy to think back and realise you did that.

It's another one of your quiet defiances against the Tsaritsa. You wonder how far you can take it.

As you stand from your seat, you stretch your arms above your head until you hear a faint pop as all the tension in your back relaxes. "I don't imagine you'll be leaving anytime soon."

"No. I have plenty of business outside of you." It's not a lie. She's got a lot to do in Liyue even without your presence, but you're a priority. 

You lean back over your chair, a mischievous little look on your face. "Do tell."

"You know that I can't do that." She's not amused by the attempt, either.

You straighten back to your usual height and brush it off in moments. "Unfun. I thought your loyalty to the Tsaritsa could be won over easily." 

She scowls. "Not by you."

"I see. You have standards after all."

She chooses to ignore your comment. Up until now, you have had quick-fire conversations, sometimes interrupted by a silence that drags on. This is no exception.

"Capitano truly believes you are dead." Arlecchino realises when she has caught your attention, and that time is now. She notices how your head tilts towards her ever so slightly, and your head raises. "For a time, he grieved, but it didn't last long. He has become fixated on the idea of revenge ever since he heard that Brighella's killer was running around boasting about their achievements with the authentic armour to support their claims."

Suddenly it makes some small amount of sense in your mind why they would want you to come back exactly. Capitano won't stay put forever. If he's stuck on vengeance, he won't rest until he exacts it. You weren't thinking about how much your stories would piss him off at the time.

When you spend an extended period of time silent and seemingly disinclined to answer, Arlecchino continues. "I want to show you to him."

You have subjected him to human emotions he's not equipped to deal with. Rightfully, you feel horrible like more of your failures are being wrenched from your corner and dumped out into the open for all to see. It doesn't matter that you're in Liyue, where nobody knows the two of you. You don't want them to see either. 

"He wouldn't want to see me." You don't think she really wanted to hear those words when you finally speak. Her expression gives it away. "He should enjoy his position without my interference. I've ruined his life enough."

"You've given him power and status, he should be grateful for that--"

"No. He shouldn't." You don't even wait for her to finish. She hasn't even realised it yet. Not the way you've been forced to. That power is a detriment, not a blessing. Why should he want that? "I thought that way as well, but now I…I don't think my choice was the correct one."

Arlecchino was not expecting to evoke your vulnerability, shallow as it may be for now. "What choice?"

"To bring him back from the abyss." 

From a purely objective perspective, taking in Capitano was the cause of everything. Arlecchino presumably thinks of it in the way you don't want her to, that you regret taking him in because he ultimately ruined everything for you, causing your world to fall apart. You don't. You wish you hadn't dragged him down with you.

Now Capitano still dealing with the consequences of your choices. He was perfectly satisfied where he was and would've remained that way had he not been caught up in your plans. It was your arrogance that made you think Capitano would prefer to come with you. At no point in your first interaction had he indicated he was displeased in his circumstances, only hostile because humans were so close to him. It is an understandable thing, considering that humans were a foreign concept to him and potentially posed a threat.

"Because he overtook you?" 

There it is.

Despite her words, she appears to have dropped her irritated expression and the impatience in her words and actions. You are finally speaking, and she won't lose that opportunity to an avoidable break in her temper.

"No. No, nothing like that." You try to find the words to explain it, even knowing she likely wouldn't understand it in her current position. You doubt she could ever comprehend it with how she treats her loyalty. "It's more like… Off the record, though I was cherished for many years, even I eventually became disposable. I have left Capitano in the hands of the person who caused that, and now I have damned him to the same fate."

Arlecchino is silent in thought, mulling over your words with great care. The tone of the conversation shifted right under your noses, and with it, so did her demeanour. She became relaxed in a way, though you imagine no less guarded than she always is. "I fail to see how your performance declined. In fact, you are more necessary now than you have ever been."

"I see." In your head, that means she's on your side to a degree. "So you believe that my termination was a mistake?"

"A grave error at best." Her words only confirm the way you thought of it. "Even if you had declined in performance, the people have begun to question more than ever, which sabotages the political landscape of Snezhnaya for those who care about it, the same people who stood idly by while you were ousted. Those who oppose the Fatui are pushing the notion that we must be weaker than we appear, because if even Brighella could die, then what does that say for the rest of us."

Though you wish you could say that concept was inconceivable, the idea that those fighting for reform would seize upon your demise as a means to spur change. It's not shocking that everyone else has been called into question, either. Though it is easy to push the role of frontrunner onto the Director, his duty is mainly administrative, as is the case with many high-ranking positions. His wrath is quick and brutal, and sparse. Dottore is too busy with his disgusting hobbies, and Columbina must remain in the light as a figure they can cling to. That leaves the position of Fourth as the one who is publicly the most violent and ruthless, which used to fall to you.

"I see. Is that why they want me to come back?" You don't expect an honest answer as you ask that question, half anticipating another play at your heartstrings.

"No." 

Frustratingly, she doesn't elaborate.

"I'll only agree to return if Capitano is free to do as he wishes."

She scoffs, somewhat returning to her brash attitude. "Even if I could make that decision, we're well past the point where that's a possibility."

You know that she's correct in that.

Still, you can't stop the sight you let out. You knew the request was wonderful in theory but inconceivable in practice, but asking never hurt anyone. "Then what do you want from me? I take it that though I'm only a stagehand, my part in the theatre is not yet over."

"Is that how you see it?"

"Answer my question."

"Execution."

You pause at her answer.

"Execution?"

You're not even sure you heard her correctly. The execution of who? Brighella has already been put to death, and Capitano has barely warmed his seat among the Harbingers. Nobody left in this is worth killing, given the precarious nature of the Fatui's support in the aftermath of Brighella's murder. It was already unstable, and now things are just worse, with no better word to describe.

You doubt they made the decision lightly.

"Execution. Your execution for the murder of Brighella and crimes against the state."

Your nerves instantly spike again, and your guard is higher than ever. At any moment, you could need to draw your bow and fight her because even though you're unsure of how to treat this life, you're not ready to give it up. No foe has scared you before, and neither will the prospect of rebuilding from square one.

"I see, so you've come to extradite me."

"You read my intentions horribly. I'm impressed you managed to make it so far like that."

You furrow your brows in annoyance. "Then what?"

"The values of the Fatui no longer align with mine." The assertion draws your attention more than anything else. You have always been aware that she is unconcerned with the ideas of loyalty and honour, which you can't fault her for. Abiding by the code of honour the Tsaritsa instilled in you left you here.

You may be completely wrong, but she was so vague and doesn't seem to be waiting to say anything else. "Is this your way of telling me you're deserting the Fatui?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"You so happen to be someone I like." 

You're startled by that as well. As far as you were aware, the decision to do nothing in the face of your dismissal was unanimous. You thought Capitano was your only remaining ally. Even if she's the lowest ranking, that is not indicative of power in an objective sense but of authority. In a sense, she is the new 'you' of the Harbingers, as she always was to a degree. 

Blame for the disorder is shifting in your absence to her.

"Because I cleaned the messes you now manage?"

"Because you aren't cowardly and fixated on politics but inhibited by them. You are a model of what is right." You can't say you follow what she's saying but allow her to continue. "Pulcinella and even Pierro refuse to travel abroad, always making excuses to shirk their jobs when faced with danger in order to comfortably remain in luxury. From the day I joined, you stood out to me in that way."

You raise an eyebrow at her, unimpressed by whatever she's trying to do right now. "Are you trying to flatter me into coming back?"

"I was telling the truth." She doesn't look impressed, either.

You feel a little embarrassed by that, suddenly feeling as though you really had responded quite rudely to an innocent statement. "Hearing a person idolise me is strange," you admit.

"It's not idolising." Her correction is sharp.

"Sounded close enough."

Silence again, as with the pauses scattered around the rest of your conversation. You aren't catapulting the topic into something of great interest or progressing, and neither is Arlecchino. Her lips press into a thin line trying to hide any cracks and stifle any emotion that slips through.

"I admire you."

You did not realise such a thing was possible, really.

"I thought you may have remembered the times we shared and think fondly of it, but perhaps not. We fought once- maybe twice- before. We drank together. Nothing else."

To end that statement with 'nothing else' as if to reduce every conversation, interaction, hour and experience to ashes is thoughtless at best. You didn't remember either instance in which Arlecchino believes you fought and still don't, though you try to now that you have come to find it apparently happened. If it did, the chances of you actually remembering is slim to none with how your memory is. It's not that you forget things quickly, but that minor events slip through the cracks in your frankly chock-full memory.

"I don't remember them, I'm sorry."

"I didn't expect you to."

Despite her words, there is a faint bittersweetness to it, the realisation you are insignificant to the person you aspire toward being like. Somewhere, even if she is aware it was always not only a possibility but highly likely, it still feels like a letdown, the fragile hope you might remember her strength. You only remember her drunken and all too enamoured by you to think properly. It is foolish of her to feel that way because you have battled many foes, and expecting you to remember all of them, let alone your underling, is unreasonable.

"You still haven't answered my question." Changing the topic, you take the opportunity to try to direct her back to what you asked in the first place. "Why are you really here?"

"The Jester gave me permission to pursue you, believing I would attempt to convince you to return to Snezhnaya after Columbina failed." As Arlecchino begins to explain, it slowly begins to make sense as the pieces fall neatly into place. "However, I have no interest in appeasing the wants of dignitaries who care only for their comfort."

You don't want that either. It's just a repeat of Capitano. "Do you understand how dangerous what you're doing is?" It's an attempt to remind her, but Arlecchino's unwavering expression tells you that reminders are unnecessary and unwanted.

"Yes, you were removed for less." She only confirms it for you. "Dottore is of the opinion that you will be forgotten, as are several others-" you imagine singling him out has something to do with them fighting all the time- "but that is simply impossible."

"Times change. You would be surprised how many things we thought would never be forgotten that humans have completely lost all knowledge of."

To her, that concept may be harder to swallow. Arlecchino has never seen the centuries roll by as you have and isn't as familiar with what does and does not remain. Even the greatest gods fell in the Archon War, and most humans cannot name any but the seven Archons. It is natural to forget and progress. The past is meant to become speculation and theory.

"I won't allow that." Abruptly she stops, though her sudden words startle you somewhat with how intense they are. That kind of illogical thought process is natural, maybe. You can't really say. "They could remember."

You shake your head in response, a firm denial before she's even begun to try and sell you on the idea. "There's no need for them to remember."

"There is every need."

"People don't glean the same admiration you do for someone they see as a tyrant."

"Then evoke fear!"

"Enough." You did not expect to have to put your foot down so harshly but do not hesitate to. "I won't entertain this."

Arlecchino grits her teeth at how easily you let go. Even though you are obviously not acclimated to civilian life, you refuse her offer that would allow you to return to Snezhnaya in a potential position of power. It is yet another failed step in the many she expected to have to take to convince you.

"Then let me hide you until some time passes."

"I'm not a precious treasure." She ignores how you roll your eyes at her, completely withdrawing how emotionally available you had managed to be. She can't let her anger take control of her again. "I can handle myself thank you very much." 

You sense she will not be giving up easily.

Even if you could convince her to leave you to your devices and that you would be fine, you doubt she would accept that. However, you have a feeling she knows you intend to disappear after this conversation. You have no idea why else she would pour her heart out in an attempt to make you easier to keep hold of. If you leave, you hold the advantage.

"I cannot continue to defend your honour while you stand by and allow them to do as they please with your name."

That doesn't worry you too much when you've been contributing to it since leaving. "Then give up. Let my name be tarnished."

Arlecchno's anger finally begins to boil over despite her efforts to contain it, rage spilling from the cracks in her composure. "You cannot have forgotten everything we did together."

"Of course I have not forgotten that." Your words are more fuel than suffocation to the growing fire.

"Then accept my help and stop being so stubborn."

"There's no need to."

She grabs you by your arm before you can step away, and you can feel a chill in her hand seep into your skin, likely a byproduct of her delusion. It doesn't hurt, but it doesn't match well with how warm you are most of the time. "You would be willing to pretend you don't wish for normalcy to avoid confronting the Tsaritsa?"

"If I return to Snezhnaya, I will die." You lay it out as directly as possible, without an if, but or and. There's no room to debate this because the outcome will not change. Even if the two of you decide you're best friends, nobody else will see things that way, so it's pointless to pretend you don't see it as it has to be.

Arlecchino finally appears to consider your words more carefully, remaining silent again, but you do not interrupt her this time. You shift your focus to the icy hand still touching you and begin to channel what little you can of your vision without drawing your bow to warm her. You hope she doesn't notice it, not wanting her to find an ulterior motive in it.

"Then it is unavoidable."

You don't quite understand what she is saying until she removes her hand from you to place something on the table you shared.

Suspiciously, you eye the item as you wonder about the significance of abandoning it beyond the obvious, but you don't want to acknowledge that option. "You'll need your insignia if you wish to return." You needn't remind her of that, but it is a prompting statement.

Arlecchino shocks you with her next words.

"I'm remaining with you."

You stand in stunned silence for several seconds, replaying them over in your head. Remaining with you. She doesn't mean that, does she? This is another of her persuasion tactics, right? She cannot actually go through with this. "You're what?"

"I'm not going back to Snezhnaya."

That only confirms your fear, the chill of it rushing to the core of your being and lighting your nerves up with an icy cold. Maybe that's just the hand touching your cheek.

"You can't. You shouldn't. You should stay there."

She makes an odd face at you, half understanding of your plight and the other confused about why you care so much about what she does with her job. "In that place you curse yourself for leaving Capitano?"

"It's a comfortable position." You try to reason that way with her, pointing out the inarguable benefit.

"I don't care for comfort."

You scramble to find another reason, something else to make her give in and pick it back up. You have not gotten anything you attempted to get this night. Arlecchino didn't leave and is, in fact, intent on leaving the Fatui to continue that.

"I don't care to waste my time pandering to people who do not value what I provide for them, all the while relying on it."

That's not a reason you wish to say, but it is. It is a very real reason. You can see it in how the Fatui regards your circumstances that they have never found enough value in the mountain of work you took on. If they had, you wouldn't be having this conversation. She's right, you realise, she realised what you could not.

"Even if you do not allow it, I would be able to follow you." It's a strange thing to say, but maybe she was trying to convince you. Her arm falls back to her side.

You shake your head. "Humans tire."

"I won't be too slow."

It's different for her. Arlecchino doesn't hulk around a bulky suit of armour and a helmet to conceal her face. It is open and well-known. There will be places she can't ever travel to again. Her life will be this and nothing else, while yours will eventually become something else, as it was always supposed to. Even if you don't want to now, you will move on and find a new sense of self. She may never.

"There are grave consequences."

"I know."

"You may never know peace."

"I can live with that."

"You--" 

--will question everything you have ever known. That was what you were about to say. You again come to a realisation that clears things for you. It's different. Arlecchino has not spent her whole life dedicated to serving the Tsaritsa, only a few years at best. You spent centuries. It is no wonder that she could give it all up so easily. Arlecchino only had one foot in the door in the first place.

The realisation dawning on you this way is daunting.

"...Fine. I will accept that." Though you thought you would struggle more, you also understand that it is useless to do so.

"A good choice."

The act of conceding can bring about a sense of relief and comfort. Conceding feels nice, in a way. It is a respite from constantly controlling everything to be exactly as you wish. It allows you the freedom of simply acknowledging the reality of a situation and accept that it may not align with your ideals, even if you don't necessarily like it.

You don't want Arlecchino to accompany you for her sake, but accepting that she will not share your fate of being humiliated can bring about a sense of peace. She will live however she pleases, and that means she may not want for the same future you received. Having a free will allows her to leave.

Slowly, you try to recover from the shock of the situation. As you take in a deep, quivering breath, you begin to steady yourself and attemt to process all that is unfolding.

A single question comes to your mind, a relatively simple one but significant enough to matter greatly.

"What is your name?"

CROSSPOSTED ON AO3

[rebukerobot]

What about doggirl tops tho

couple of tacks we can take this question from

1

top =/= dom. i know we as tumblr users have diluted the meanings, but there is actual queer history on the differences between top/bottom (invented by gay men as a minced version of "the one doin' the penetrating and the one gettin' penetrated") and dom/sub (invented by BDSM people because it's a BDSM concept). a service top doggirl is still subbing. my point applies to service tops just as much. we'll tackle domme bottom doggirls and domme top doggirls in a second.

2

let's talk about dogwomen vs doggirls. doggirls often presuppose a sort of neoteny which is very common in transfem spaces. so many transfems call themselves trans girls rather than trans women -- we don't call cis women girls in any situation aside from youth and casual-context-setting (note the casualness of the phrase "the girls in HR are coming to fire me"). trans men will often actually only use tboy in sexual or abbreviated contexts, and trans boy doesn't get thrown around quite nearly as much as trans girl.

the primary thrust of the tgirl neoteny angle is far beyond the scope of this, but suffice to say that neoteny is a de-agentive condition. children as culturally constructed are not intended to have any actual volition that isn't a live wire for adult sensibilities. "girl dinner" is distinct from "woman dinner". "doggirl" is distinct from "dogwoman".

if you are a volitional actor within a sexual encounter and you have a dog thing (therian, kink, or personal aesthetic, or whatever) you may actually be a dogwoman. some classic dogwomen are: isabelle from animal crossing! giovanna from guilty gear strive! that one woman from altered beast! john wick!

dogwomen inherit from a pre-neoteny furry era tradition where furries and therians mostly operated in a wild-animals-only space, with the exception of cats, which are pretty much wild animals anyhow. you had a lot of wolfgirls, and wolfwomen, and coyotegirls, and the such. dogs are neotenic wolves. they presuppose neoteny, they presuppose an instrumentality to anothers' volition. to double-neotenize, to posit yourself as a doggirl, you are signaling an absolute loss of agency. if you have the volition to dominate, you aren't a doggirl. you are a dogwoman or a wolfgirl.

dogwomen have lost the human neoteny of their deal. they are volitionally people -- they have jobs and lives and desires and sapient hand-having-person stuff. the conflict with the domesticated neotenic canine is exciting; are they servile in a kyriarchial way? how does that intersect with their femininity and their independence? how do they square the contradiction of their neotenic animal and their volitional human? is the oppression as transposed into a sexual scenario erotic? (yes.) is the inversion of that oppression erotic? (YES!)

wolfgirls are precisely the opposite; in retaining their neotenic humanity, they have transcended the infinite avolitionality of domesticated dogs and become the Volitional Predatory Animal. this breeds another sort of tension; the cutesy eternal-youthfulness of the young girl as prescribed by our culture against the violent uncontrollable loyal pack animal fantasy of a wolf. awooing at the moon and such. the conflict exists in the opposite manner. the primary volitional thrust of this eros is in the dog part, the rut, the unrestrainability. if a wolfgirl bottoms, it's a subversion of their wolfitude, a transgression upon their freedom. wolfgirls are kind of a werewolf fiction cultural idea, and like werewolves, their ferality defines their eroticism.

as such, dogwomen and wolfgirls are not really what i'm talking about when i talk about doggirls. they have the existence of a volitional gradient. they have some part of their identity that makes sex with d/s mechanics actually meaningful.

3

let's do some case studies.

when it comes to domme "doggirls", i envision two specific types:

"Argh... I can't control myself... I'm in heat... I'm going to eat you with my teeth... I'm like a pitbull and you're like a two year old..."

this is not quite domming, actually; this is a sort of service top. to appeal to instinct that overrides volition implies a submission to a base counter-cultural hedonist nature; the bottom, actually, is the one with the agency in this situation. while the act is being done TO the bottom, they're the ones who in the fantasy retain the cogency and volition to scream and plead.

it is hot, but it's still an abdication of volition in the act. the act of relinquishing control, in this case, is the important part, and so we must judge by the gradient of volition. i posit the following:

if the top is cognizant and volitional in nature -- if it's a personality shift into a sex-crazed animal, -- i'm gonna say this is a wolfgirl sort of deal. if this is your deal and you think you're a doggirl, i'm sorry, you're a wolfgirl. call yourself a feral doggirl if you want. whatever.

if the top is entirely in the fantasy of being a slave to their instincts, to the extent that the feeling exists prior, this is doggirlish stuff and while it can be enjoyable, still plays to the double-neoteny. you have nothing in your heart to give, why are you acting like you gave something up?

again, we can visualize these as volitional gradients. a werewolf-esque shift from normal girl to vicious dog is a shift from volition to avolition. a doggirl humping your leg because she's in heat was never volitional, at the end of the day. if this is your primary thrust of sexuality, you might be a wolfgirl.

"I'm a powerful dog and I'm going to make you suck my knot or kill you with my knot or both. Look at my dark eyes. I'm an evil or awesome dog and I'm going to put puppies in you and I know what I'm talking about."

this is dogwoman to me. dogs don't broadcast their intention with language, they don't have a cultural construction of threat, they can't speak languages. to broadcast a sort of dangerous domme energy in the context of a woman is to be a woman. this is a kind of domination volitional culturally-contexted people can have -- the woman, non-neotenized, the dog, fetishized as the contradiction. you're getting fucked by a woman more powerful than you but also a dog, the instrumental tool of humanity? lol wowwwwwww. if this is your primary thrust of sexuality, you are a dogwoman at heart.

4

i think the actual conclusion here is that the homogenization of queer spaces through incessant FOMO-based fetish adoption and the telephone game of regurgitated queer history has made it impossible to understand the relationship one immersed in those spaces might have with doghood, girlhood, wolfhood, womanhood, etc. it also doesn't help that in these spaces nobody seems to read any feminist literature, or even transfeminist literature. rigorous self-analysis is impossible; analysis of others is seen as an attack on validity. the individual is sacred because the internet is american. i understand the snap-reaction; in a kinder world, "gender critical" would mean a critical analysis of the social archetype-control-role of gender, not an admittance of being The First Female Hitler.

to be a doggirl is to be accepted, to walk among like queer people who have doubly-neotenized themselves for each others' comfort, victims of tall poppy syndrome. do you honestly think that the hordes of doggirl transfems on the internet truly feel that way in their hearts, that they must forever remain neotenic and consumable, instrumental tools of another's pleasure? are they all age regressors forever? are they all therians? is every single one of them consigned to never take the reins of their own heart and push forward for their own sake, transmuting their will into power?

no! the kyriarchy has consigned them to be lumpenproletarian buttsluts! this is a social disease we perpetuate as a viral reservoir!

being a doggirl is a social camouflage of the heart.

[theirishwolfhound]

A Heart of Gold In a Sea of Green: The Synopsis

Heyo! I'm making this post just so I can get ready to start posting on Tumblr as well as Ao3. My main reason is that I can add GIFs/images, music, and color code the dialog on here. With that being said, I'm still working on the imagery for my masterlist post and this is just to act in as the informational "chapter".

"Crow "Wolfhound" O'Neil had been a sergeant in a different troop, known as the WatchDogs, before joining Task Force 141 as an additional sniper, but mostly for his innate understanding of many terrains and the survival skills needed for them. Yet he mostly kept to himself when he joined up as he was still reeling from a recent loss of a loved one; he remained the calm, patient soldier he had always trained to be… despite joining what he could only call as the most chaotic gaggle of men he's ever met. He followed orders, never spoke back or questioned his fellow officers- he was loyal, just as his nickname implied. Though when asked about it he spoke only a simple phrase: "Gentle when stroked, Fierce when provoked" and left it at that."

The fic takes place around six months after Wolfhound transferred into Task Force 141 from the Watchdogs and focuses on him finally putting in the effort to improve his mental state after he lost his fiancé: Malakai Harper. As well as focusing on improving his relationships with his fellow operators: Price, Gaz, Ghost, and Soap— who are already in a polyamorous relationship.

There is a lot of fraternization that goes on, it's not meant to be a serious down to code/law type of fic— I literally only wrote this because I love the characters and wanted to try writing a fanfiction for the first time. I will also put the other warnings in under this indent, as well as a put the proper warnings before the start of every chapter. Also fair warning: Most Chapters are Long Reads (potentially up to 15k+ type deal).

Below is the first thing on the Ao3 fic, just to give an understanding into Crow's background:

Crow Nevan O'Neil was born in Galway, Ireland and lived there for most of his life. He is currently twenty-seven and has been in the British military for seven years. Previously he was a Forest Ranger at the Wicklow Mountains National Park in Ireland and has visited other places to get the experience of working in different terrains.

He was born into a Catholic family and still holds those beliefs to this day, but does not talk about it with others- just as he keeps his gender identity and sexuality under close wraps. The only person that knows he is transgender would be Captain Price and he was given the accommodation of a private shower to make his time a bit easier on base. He only wears long sleeved shirts and pants to keep a more conservative look, though it was mostly to hide his tattoos so that no one asks him any questions about them- he may be social but not when it comes to speaking, he's a listener not the speaker.

Crow got his nickname "Wolfhound" mainly because he is Irish- but also because his old troop thought it was funny that a 165cm (5'5") man who barely weighs 81kg (180lbs) soaking wet can be called something in relation to a huge dog. He has hazel eyes, many many freckles, and curly reddish brown hair- the pinnacle of Irish stereotypes minus the anger and drinking, but by god does he have the accent of a man who sounds like he is fresh from Dublin. His actual callsign is Foxtrot Four.

He was engaged to a Lieutenant form his previous troop named Malakai Harper, but after his death Crow was looking for any chance to have a fresh start with a new team- and luckily he was given the chance to join Task Force 141 as their third sergeant. He knew very little about the other operators, but that meant they knew nothing of him.

Now time for lists and links:

Ao3

Playlist

Crow's Reference Sheet (Will Be Redone Eventually)

[askagamedev]

You have talked about certain things young designers can do that will set them up for failure, namely not studying in college, not prototyping ideas, and trying to burn themselves out by working to hard at the beginning and then slowing down later. What are other common early mistakes that will make a game developers job harder?

One common mistake I see with young devs is that they invest too much of their identities into what they do for work. I can understand that quite well - for most of my early career, I did the same thing. I was the game dev. I worked on famous games that most people had played, or at least heard of. It's a really big ego boost when total strangers you meet know of your work and are impressed with your job. I would caution young devs to avoid this.

One very hard lesson I learned over my career is that the industry is volatile. It's very easy to lose your job - the company financials start looking bad and there's layoffs. The game doesn't sell well and there's layoffs. The game is sunsetting so there's layoffs. When the vast majority of the costs in the industry are salaries, the vast majority of cost-cutting is how many workers to let go. We've seen a huge number of layoffs in 2023 and this year so far. I doubt we've seen the last of them. Job losses are commonplace in the industry, which is what makes the next part a really big deal.

If a large part of my identity is based on my job, I'm suddenly forced to deal with a significantly changed identity when I don't have a job anymore. That's extremely difficult to deal with when the chips are down, because being jobless puts a lot more responsibilities on my shoulders for my survival - I need to be operating at my best. At the very least I need to project confidence and competence in order to find a new job. If I must go for an extended period without work (e.g. an economic recession), that gap in my sense of identity from being a game dev encourages depression and melancholy to occupy that space. Overall it's much more healthy to separate who I am from what I do so that I don't end up in this feast or famine situation, especially when I need stronger mental health levels to find a job than I do to keep a job.

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Got a burning question you want answered?

Short questions: Ask a Game Dev on Twitter

Long questions: Ask a Game Dev on Tumblr

Frequent Questions: The FAQ

[himbochub]

Hey so because Tumblr doesn't show dates on posts I'm not sure if it's happened yet, so if not then good luck with your top surgery! I'm rooting for you.

thank you so much!!!! i haven’t gotten the surgery yet- i’m actually still waiting for my Real Consult which is gonna be in early december. after the consult the surgeon’s office will apply for approval through my insurance, so fingers crossed it gets approved on the first try! i don’t really know what to expect as far as a waiting time for surgery after the consult if i am approved, it depends on how far the surgeon is booked out, so i could get in as quickly as like 2-3 months or i could be waiting over another year for the surgery- which would definitely suck because i’d have to maintain my weight loss until after the operation. so pretty nerve wracking for sure!

crazily enough since the beginning of summer when i started shooting for top surgery i’ve already lost 40 pounds (womp womp) and all i really have to do now is quit smoking nicotine which is also pretty nerve wracking because ive been a smoker for ten years. overall wish me luck! i will definitely be keeping yall updated and as soon as i know what’s what cost wise with surgery, i may be opening a gofundme depending on how much insurance covers.

thank you so much again!!

[copperbadge]

If you could buy Tumblr, would you?

Hm, an interesting thought!

If I were capable of buying Tumblr this would imply one of two things: either Tumblr is so devalued and has become so cheap to maintain that a single man living in downtown Chicago with two cats to feed could afford to buy it and keep it, or I have somehow come into enough wealth that I am capable of squandering millions on the Hellsite.

(Or I'm running the most incredible con, which is actually the most flattering option.)

If we're talking a situation where Tumblr would cost me roughly the price of a third cat to purchase and maintain, sure. Buy it, keep it like a pet. This is a bit of an unrealistic vision of things, because under what circumstances would this possibly happen, but as long as we're in unreality, let's pretend I could also simply add and remove features at will. That's some fun shit. Sure, I would.

The more realistic option (for a given value) is that I have mysteriously come into a massive sum of money and could afford to purchase Tumblr. In this scenario, I could likely afford to operate it at a loss only for so long, but I don't actually know how much Tumblr costs on a yearly basis to keep it operational. Most of the problems with most social media, however, come from the fact that they don't just have to break even, they have to turn a profit to continue to function, or they have to have regular infusions of venture capital. A thorny issue.

Ideally what I would do once Tumblr was purchased, and presuming all the other share/stakeholders and investors were paid off, was immediately convert it to a nonprofit. What you can do with nonprofit cash is a lot smaller than what you can do with for-profit levels of investment, but turning Tumblr into a nonprofit has the immediate advantage of no longer having to make money. Tumblr can actually run at a "loss" if it's a public service, because it's all donation-supported anyway. I could think of half a dozen immediate easy targets for major gift fundraising for "Tumblr 503", and I would immediately begin planning both an annual campaign (that's what you see Wikipedia and AO3 doing each year) and a capital campaign to create an endowment to protect the org from future depredation.

Depending on funding I would also be willing to create an arm of the Tumblr Foundation that could start separate initiatives like legal protection for activists on the platform, AI that is better at recognizing illegal content so we don't have huge buildings of poor traumatized motherfuckers doing that moderation work, and such things. This isn't at all uncommon -- the nonprofit I work for now is a medical nonprofit, but even as small as we are, we have numerous different initiatives, from political lobbying to pharma outreach to a helpline for the newly diagnosed to a yearly conference for doctors in the field to funding for young researchers.

Would it work? Dunno. Possibly not, I'm not experienced in backend management of a massive website. But I know people who are, and if the money was there I'd take a stab at it. Worst case scenario, we just take it private again and sucker a couple of billionaires out of their money a second time. Promise if the nonprofit doesn't work and we sell Tumblr to the highest bidder, everyone on the site when we do gets a cut.

[writingmochi]

part 1

cast: taehyun ✗ fem.reader (ft. loona yyxy, txt's hueningkai, and other idols)

synopsis: the year is 1999. cardboard boxes were put on the driveway of the newly-settled home across from where taehyun lives. the five sisters will soon shake the neighborhood with their eccentric personalities yet mysterious auras. the moon sisters. since that day they arrived, taehyun is intrigued by them and especially you, the youngest of the sisters

genre: coming of age, bildungsroman, slice of life, romance, drama, high school au, late 90s au, angst, a tiny bit of fluff, mature content (explicit smut, suicidal characters, depressive episodes)

based on: movie the virgin suicides (1999)

word count: 32794 (32.7k) out of 52076 (52k)

warning(s): tyun wears glasses AND is an amateur boxer, smoking (cigarettes), mentally and physically abusive parent, narcissistic parent, gender discrimination, suicide attempt, self-harm, depression, blood, bruises, semi-public sexual act (handjob), explicit sex (soft sex for part 1), protected sex, loss of virginity (m & f), hand job (m & f receive), oral job (m & f receive), manhandling (if there is something that i forgot, let me know)

message from the moon: remember that this story is fiction and do be careful and read the warnings at the top. all the idols mentioned here are not what they are in real life.

welcome! this is supposed to be a one-shot but because the word count has reached 50k+ and my tumblr errored because of it, i have no choice but to split them in two. so this is part 1! thank you so much for the enthusiasm as i've read from the teaser and i hope you enjoy it!

cd mix | wall collage | part 2

it is almost noon on the first day of august in the year 1999. heavy breaths and the sound of metals colliding with each other filled the four walls as a boy dropped his barbell on the stand behind the bench he is lying on. a new personal best for the weight he succeeds in bench-pressing.

different paraphernalia of a teenage boy covers two corners of the room. one is full of textbooks for school, and the other is full of workout items, with a desk right between them that somehow integrates both corners. a roll of hand wrap bandage in front of his box-shaped personal computer’s desktop that shows the latest operating system by windows, windows 98, and its teal background.

chiming bells of messages the boy recognized from his instant messenger makes him sit up from his bench. the t-shirt he wore sticks onto his sweating body—pooling sweat in between his joints—as he stretches his legs by standing up, cooling down his arm muscles as another chime rings.

he grabs the towel that hangs on his desk chair; seeing the blurry black-colored text of the messages in the open chatroom window. his hand reaches for the glasses on his desk, making him able to see the red screen name of “penguinkai” and the pixelated penguin face for a profile picture. the messages are about him asking to hang out at his house or him following the boy to the gym for his boxing club activities. messages that signal “i’m bored” makes the boy chuckle as he sits on the chair to answer his best friend’s messages back, the towel now drapes around his shoulders.

what he should’ve noticed is the sound of a vehicle right in front of the window behind his desk and computer. the open window of his—a habit he got from his mom who opens it every morning until noon—makes the sound more prominent. eyes, that were looking at the blinking line on the screen after he finish typing, now focused on something else instead of sending the message.

peeking from behind the boxy electronic device, he sees a truck with words written on its side. he can deduce the large-scale words as the name of a moving company he has seen before, either by the advertisements he saw on the world wide web or the names written as a sign on blocks full of office-like buildings. the truck sits on the side of the used-to-be empty house across from his while a brown dodge caravan—it resembles the one his relative has—sits in the house's carpark.

the boy focused on the doors of the car as people came out. he could count seven heads, two adults: husband and wife, and what he can presume are their five children, all daughters.

he views the new family; the father walks towards the moving worker as they open the container of the truck while the mother stands by the side, holding onto a large purse as she walks to the door. he remembered a few days before, he saw the couple at the house. his mom added the context that they were there to park one of their cars and receive the pieces of furniture they bought or bring for their new home.

if their children are there, he knows they will stay here forever. it slowly comes true as he sees the abundance of cardboard boxes filling up the spaces on the driveway.

eyes slowly moving towards the sisters who stood with various styles of clothing, all looking to be around his age at varying heights. yet, he follows one sister in particular more.

a discman hanging on the strap that is on her shoulder. she bops her head with the headset on as she walks towards the back of the truck around the asphalt road; unlike her other sisters who are using the pavement.

a few of the other sisters help in bringing the cardboard boxes down from inside the truck, while he looks at the discman girl as she climbs up into the truck effortlessly. seeing one of her sisters climbing up into the truck, another one steps inside as another sister—who is wearing a white lace dress—looks inside at them, her posture looking stiff.

waiting and waiting until the discman girl jumps out of the truck with what looks to be a guitar case strap onto her other shoulder. she whispers something to the sister in the dress as she walks away behind the truck to her front door.

later in the day; when the truck has gone away and the front lawn of the house is now visible, the boy’s mom walks to the home across from hers, preparing a welcoming gift for her new neighbors. he sees it as he puts on his burgundy sweater and prepares his duffel bag to meet kai at the gym, his mom still wears her apron as she crosses the road and presses the bell on the front door.

he walks out to the front door to see his mom walking back home, a warm smile on her face as he lifts the strap of his bag up his shoulder more.

“new neighbors?” he asked with a regular speaking tone: a disguise for his curiosity.

“yes, they’re the moons. i invited them for dinner tomorrow night as they are unpacking their stuff first. that’s okay for you, right, taehyun?” mom replies as taehyun pushes his glasses up his nose bridge.

it’s not even a whole day, and he surprised himself at how he is already interested in them. knowing that in this block of the neighborhood, there aren’t as many teenagers around his age, rather it is full of kids younger than him as new families emerge one by one.

teenage girls, especially, are a rarity.

“i’m okay with that, mom.”

at first, he spends the rest of the day normally, punching the punching bag to work out while kai sits on the sidelines with a few of his boxing club friends that are tired. he didn’t think about the moon sisters until when he walked back home from the bus stop—after parting away from kai—when he sees the house across from his lighting up the outdoor lights as the sun sets for another day.

a silhouette of someone walking out of the door carrying a trash bag to the outdoor garbage bins. it is another sister he saw but didn’t focus on before as another one goes out, barefooted, to her. the discman girl. he took a quick glimpse at them before looking away to face his front door, knowing that he will get to know them better tomorrow.

taehyun usually never helps his mom to prepare dinner, but knowing that at least five people will come to his house—excluding his own four-membered family—he let himself help his mom after she told him to wear a semi-formal outfit, arranging the table while his mom and older sister finishes the cooking they made. dad not being there as he will arrive late means that he might be the only male in the house, but not if mr. moon will come as well.

he puts the plates he picked up on the four-person table, knowing that a few leftover plates mean that a few of the guests have to sit on the sofa. organizing the utensils beside the plate as his sister puts the food in the middle of the table. heads up: startled, his eyes were now on the front door as he heard the front doorbell ringing.

“i’ll get it.” his sister said as she rubs her hands on her own apron. taehyun finishes putting the spoons as he peeks from behind the wall to see his sister’s behind obscuring the door. she opens it to see the lady, mrs. moon, wearing a long dress as a few others stood behind her almost in a line.

he sees her sister gesturing to come in as mrs. moon steps inside and took off her inconveniently tall high heels by the door—she just went across from her house to be there. he straightens his posture when he felt a hand on his shoulder, his mom guiding him to the hallway so they can greet the guests better. his gaze sticks to the five girls entering the cramped hallway of his house, all wearing short dresses of various styles and colors, recognizing the last one entering as the discman girl.

“thank you for inviting us, mrs. kang. i’m sorry that my husband can’t join us cause he has a meeting to do.” mrs. moon said as mom steps forward.

“that’s okay. our patriarch also couldn’t join us tonight because of his work, so i apologize for that inconvenience.” his mom said as both the ladies gives a smile and a knowing nod. he puts his lips into a straight line as he nuzzles his glasses up the bridge of his nose, lifting his head up to look at the group of girls across from him, feeling his cheeks getting warm from blood flowing to them.

“let me introduce you to my daughters!” mrs. moon replied as she opens her arm to gather the girls closer.

“this is sooyoung, our eldest.” sooyoung steps forward in a pink sleeveless dress. her eyes looking towards his family and she gives a small nod to his sister beside her.

“this is jiwoo.” the girl raises her hand onto a wave as she greeted them with a warm smile, wearing an orange-white plaid dress.

“our third is chaewon.” chaewon who has her name mentioned, lifted her head slightly, giving a tight lip smile in her pastel green lacy dress. taehyun recognize her as the same girl in the white lace dress from yesterday.

“hyejoo.” mrs. moon turns her head towards the girl, who is the only one wearing an outer blazer with a grey dress underneath. her hands wrapped in front of her torso as she gently leans her head back against the wall.

“and (y/n), our youngest.” his eyes are now on the discman girl who’s wearing a blue sundress, a style different from the oversized sweater she wore yesterday.

looking at how the girl’s picking on her nails, he can’t seem to look away from her, from you. his eyes rise from your fingers to see your head moving up as well, an unplanned eye contact that startles him, making you let out a small chuckle as you cover your mouth.

“… and this is my son, taehyun.” he heard his mom say his name beside him as her arm rubs his back, not listening to how his mom was introducing the family. he gives a small smile on his face before his mom welcomes the rest in so that the food won’t be cold. taehyun, being the last one on the line, saw you giving another eye contact to him before walking forward.

the seating arrangement of nine people makes him sit beside his mom while mrs. moon sits beside sooyoung. his sister is with the other four sisters in the living room across the dining table and hallway. he thought the girls will eat on the cushioned seat but they all sat on the floor instead. sooyoung who sits across from him seems to be taking a glimpse of her four sisters before looking towards their mom who converses with his mom.

his eyes wander towards the girls and his sister that are conversing on the carpet, seeing glints of light on each of their ankles from the lights on the ceiling; he presumes sooyoung also has one too. they’re holding their plate in various ways like sitting cross-legged or leaning against the cushion of the sofa. he hears them giggle as he looks between the girls when he notices a bandage like what he uses for boxing on chaewon’s wrists, her quiet demeanor gives chills down his spine as what might happen to make them as a result…

time flew too fast from taehyun’s perception as he hears clinks of plates stacking on top of each other while his mom serves dessert for the others. taehyun gives a small nod to his mom, pointing to his plate in front of him before she gives an ‘okay’ as he stands up, picking up the plate and utensils on his part of the table and then walks to the kitchen, where he can hear running and splashing of water.

he thought it was his sister, having not seen the living room when walking into the room until he sees the back of the blue sundress and a stack of plates on the counter beside the sink. he walks closer before his spoon slides on the plate, creating a loud sound that makes you turn towards it.

your eyes widen as he gives a small smile, stepping towards you as he sounded, “you don’t have to…”

“oh sorry…” you replied as taehyun now stood beside you, placing the items he brought in front of the stack of dirty plates as he rolled the sleeves of his shirt. “it’s a habit. i’m the one that got assigned the washing dishes chore at home,” you continued.

he lets a chuckle come out, seeing that you were taking a glimpse at him whilst rinsing the plates from the bubbles made by the dish soap. “(y/n), right?” he tried to ice break.

“yeah, i am. and you’re taehyun…” he sees you flutter your eyelids before returning to the plates as you put them on the counter on the other side where he stood in front. he quickly picks up a napkin from the island counter, making you let out a chuckle as he picks the plate, one by one, to dry the droplets on them. leaning his back against the counter beside you, he creates a pattern of putting the dry plate on the island counter across from him.

“you’re the youngest?” his voice pitched up at the end of the question. you playfully hummed in agreement.

“your mom said that you and a few of your sisters are in my year…” he said, putting the plate on top of the one he dried.

“oh yeah… chaewon, hyejoo, and i are fraternal triplets. i was born the latest, a 30-minute difference from hyejoo who has a 10-minute gap with chaewon,” you replied. he nods as he looks down at your bare feet while drying a plate, seeing the result of the glint he saw was an anklet resting around your right ankle. the light from the ceiling above him reflects on the chain. its blinding shine didn’t let him feel a nudge on his arm before he finally notice.

his head tilts up as he sees you move in front of him, the bottom of your sundress grazes his clothes as you tilt your head up to look at him. the plate being pulled like a magnet from his hands to yours before wiping it with a tissue you grab and putting it on the counter behind you. taehyun’s eyes follow the plate as it stacks on top of its friends before returning to your figure who is looking back at him, a more direct and purposeful eye contact than the ones you both do in the hallway before eating. your gaze then looks down at his forearms that are exposed from the sleeve being rolled up, his veins protruding against the skin as the result of working out for most of the summer to improve his boxing skill.

“i see you glancing at us from the dining table…” you murmured as you move closer, making his slouching posture now straight as he sees the tiny gap between his and your body. you lift your left hand before putting it on the counter behind him, trapping his body between it and you.

he unconsciously gulps his saliva as he tried to look at the surrounding of the kitchen his mom and dad designed.

but, he… can’t.

“i don’t know what your intention is by glancing at us in plain sight. but, just to let you know…” taehyun finally felt his heart beats against his chest as you move your head closer to his, feeling a faint of your breath caressing his skin. he looks into your eyes, seeing them looking stable from the way they gaze, but on a longer look, they look puffy.

he can see faint cracks in your vase that is your mind. so subtle, but might haunt him for an unknown amount of time.

“there are so many things you won’t understand about us, taehyun.”

your eyes shake slightly when you said it before your right hand reaches up towards his face. he braces for the unplanned contact before feeling the glasses on his face moved up on his nose, seeing it being pushed by your hand before you let out a smirk and step back, retreating your left hand back before turning around and leaving him stunned in the kitchen by himself.

that was the last he saw them, the last time he saw you. until the first day of school, a week later.

leaning back against his and kai’s locker that are side by side, taehyun tilts his head up as he pushes his glasses while looking at the hallway. his dark blue uniform pants pair up with the girls’ uniform with their plaid-pattern dark blue skirts with vests rested on top of the white shirts. other students wear a cardigan, varsity jacket, and other outers—even not wearing the vest at all—to express their personality, passion, and school persona. he himself wears his burgundy sweater that becomes his signature.

the entrance at the end of the hallway was when he saw the moon sisters enter with their newly ironed school uniforms and uniformly styled looks—even to the same glints on their right feet above their white socks that he now knows are anklets. the ranging personalities he sees are now a clean slate when being compared to what they were like the first time he saw them moving their cardboard boxes.

but as the day went, he observed them, the five of them, having lunch at the trunk of the tree outside. seeing them laying down on each other’s thighs as they giggled. seeing moon chaewon with tons of bracelets covering her wrist and moon (y/n)—his newest classmate—with her silver and blue-colored discman.

it didn’t take long for the sisters to spread out of the cocoon that is the awkwardness of a new environment and new school.

as a month into living in the new neighborhood, one morning when he puts on his uniform shirt on top of his undershirt, he sees the girls walk out of the house in a rush. he presumes they want to chase the bus on the corner of the block. but, he didn’t expect them to hide between the garage and one of their cars in the carpark, where one of them picks up a garbage bag beside their outdoor trash bin. pulling out skirts whose colors and patterns are the same as the ones the school wears today and a bunch of various outer shirts from a bomber jacket to a cardigan. openly undressing themselves to their undershirts and switching around their clothes.

openly showing the world who they really are: individual people.

taehyun’s eyes focused on the girls scrambling around to switch their shirts between each other while buttoning his white shirt. some of them wearing spaghetti strap tank tops for their undershirt as he sees one of the sisters toss an oversized striped sweater to his classmate, you. focusing on you as you put your head through the hole, he held his breath as he sees you tidying up your hair, a smile he had never seen adorning your face made him chuckle. he then sees hyejoo leaning closer to you, making you pause before your gaze looks towards his house, his window, him.

the boy’s eyes widen as he stood in stunned before you give him a smirk, your eyes meeting, wanting him to be pulled gently towards you. sooyoung’s silent talk from where he is and gesture takes your attention as they left the house, your head giving one last look towards where he is before following your sisters. taehyun finally breathed after holding his breath all this time.

a month since they move, a month full of observing from behind his studies and boxing, is enough for his basic assessment of the moon sisters.

the oldest one, sooyoung, is the fashionista of the group. she likes to push the boundaries of the school uniform rule by wearing a shorter skirt and a tighter shirt that must be from the other sisters, even wearing accessories like necklaces and alike. a senior that took the breath away of the other seniors, her confidence and attractiveness attracted the likes of the most popular seniors in school, mostly the varsity jocks.

jiwoo, the second oldest, is also a senior and the brightest of the sisters. a typical girl-next-door he usually recognized from his sister’s teen movie collection. but her brightness lights the sisters up with her jokes and laughs will always fly because of her. though many boys seem to like her, her eyes always shine when she looks at girls: punk girls, cheer girls, and theatre girls. the apple of her cheeks getting more prominent if she looks at the flower girls of the school.

chaewon is the oldest of the triplets, child number three, and is the proper and elegant-looking sister. she wears the most oversized uniform out of all the sisters, a longer skirt that is almost halfway down her calves. she always looks down every time she walks, yet she gives him chills every time he looks at her figure. her wide eyes seem to glitter with some glistening on them. the sisters seem to always find a new flower to put behind her earlobe. she is the most out of the sisters that look and acts like what a feminine girl is. almost ideal.

hyejoo, the second triplet, is the tomboy of the sisters. a striker in the girl’s football team of the school and like dominating other students, especially physically and with boys. her actions making it seem that she has a vendetta against the other sex. she is always wearing a jacket almost like the one maverick uses in top gun. and her gaze slices people like a knife with her feline-like eyes.

you, the youngest and the last triplet, are the one he spends his time with the most, the one he takes interest in the most. yet still an enigma for him.

being in the same class where he sat in the middle row with kai, you sat at the back beside the window of the class, the lone desk on your row as you are an additional student in his class. every time he enters the class on school mornings, he can see you looking down the window beside your seat, before you put on the headset connected to your discman or picking on your nails.

what he can always appreciate is the way the morning ray finds the right place to shine on your face. your hair always shields the right place that you always took his breath away every time he glimpses at you.

what he never expected—but realized is what you might have done before moving here—is when he sees you smoke a cigarette. he first notices it when he sees you and hyejoo having a smoke during a free time when he went to the restroom, seeing how you and your sister lean against the brick wall while the other juniors are in the class. like the world just seems to stop for the both of you. yet, even though people around him don’t smoke, he didn’t mind the faint smell of it exudes from you that mixes with your eau de toilette.

for the month that you and he live across from each other, you were always the one that he caught sneaking out at night. he knows because sometimes under the light of his study lamp, he can see the silhouette coming from the house and when you came back, your eyes always meet him that overlooks his window as he chats with kai or studies at his desk. you give him a smirk before climbing inside your home and gently closing the door. though both of the vehicles your family has usually aren’t even at home at that time.

the moon sisters, though always attracted people’s attention, have never been separated from each other other than in class or after-school activities. they eat lunch together and even disappear together. but what you said to him always stick to him, no matter what, he wants to be closer to them, and he knows that the hollow-like eyes he sees a few of the sisters have, even you, always makes him curious.

there are so many things he won’t understand about them. yet, he wants to. he will do anything to understand.

-

the vibrating strings created sounds that travel around the four walls of the room. hands holding onto the neck and the around the body of the guitar, fingers plucking one of the six strings in a pattern that shapes a chord. the nails are different lengths on both of the hands, longer on the hand that plucks the nylon strings, and shorter on the hand that is on the fretboard. you pull the guitar closer to you as your fingers play by themselves.

you lay your head against the mattress from the bed behind you as you look at the night sky outside the window. the screen is playing a vhs tape of clueless as you look at each of your sisters’ figures being relaxed around the tv: doing whatever they’re doing with most watching the movie. waiting for something to happen, no ignition to cause it.

when you heard the faint sound of the ambulance siren roads away from where you at, your thoughts travel elsewhere. you don’t recognize if this is real or a memory of yours before you glance at chaewon’s bandage-wrapped wrists underneath the bracelets you and your sisters put on her.

you remember seeing her body; the color is saturated from her skin as blood seeps onto the temporary bandage when the emts brought her into the ambulance. seeing mama’s stunned face as the spinning red lights and siren attracts the neighbors that stare at the scene like a spectacle of some miracle or disaster. a young girl hurting herself in the overflowing bathtub of their bathroom, knowing two ways to go where she has attempted one.

yet, all of your sisters and you are not surprised to see chaewon being brought to the nearest hospital as the ambulance left with both of your parents; leaving the house to the children once again. you peer at the numerous scars your sisters inflict on themselves and the ones you inflict on your own body, all to whisk the pain away from living in this odious home, well… with odious parents.

mama’s impulsivity and shame from letting the neighbors see a side of her family that she doesn’t want and papa’s willingness to follow what she wants, make them decide to move the family over the summer to a new place, where nobody knew you or your family. if they do know, they knew how your mama is treating all of her daughters like princesses.

she is the queen that those princesses know to not defy, even though they want to.

coming from a prestigious family, mama has always been treated like a princess by everyone around her. a princess in their eyes and what she believes she is as she went to high-class gatherings and met important people all around the country. academia, wealth, and nobility become the statuses that matter to her. her parents put her in the most prestigious school. then she met papa—a fellow who grows up like her—in a private college who treated her more than a princess: treating her like a queen.

you always wonder—as you grow up—why she even thought to bear five daughters to create replicate versions of her every time…

all of them to be learning ballet. all of them to be learning musical instruments, especially in a classical sense—a loophole you found with the guitar that you now know how to play as you told her that there is such a thing as a classical guitar, which made her agree for you to take; unlike a few of your sisters’ default piano learning or other instruments like violin and flute. all of them learning how to be proper and poise like how nobilities from the 18th century should do—in the 20th century. all of it are the ones mama has done before becoming a socialite from an old money family.

you always wonder why they decide to grow five daughters up—who society always tells you that fathers are more nurturing towards daughters than sons—when your own is kissing your mama’s feet almost all the time…

papa has always been quiet and he doesn’t involve himself in ‘growing you up’, always a traditionalist of his of knowing the gender roles of fathers going to work while mothers take care of the home. because of that, mama can take over everything and set up expectations for all of you, including what you eat and what you wear in public. yet she seems to stay away most of the day and not even care about the well-being of the household, making all of you turn to be independent in taking care of your own well-being and your belongings by at least the age of 5: when your nanny passed away.

you and your sisters’ nanny is both a mother figure to the five of you, but also a pseudo-sister-figure of your mama as she is an only child, seeing mama growing up before her eyes and mama even make her a personal nanny that she brought with her until marriage and giving birth to her daughters. the earliest memory you remember was playing with your sisters on a playing mat full of dolls with your nanny overseeing all of you, mama and papa cannot be seen. you felt the pain a few days after her death, with no one there nurturing you on why she is gone, no one there helping you. only mama’s expectations of you all being her perfect little girls she can show off. only you and your sisters’ trust in each other as you both pain yourself away from reality.

the idea to fight against your mama’s expectations didn’t come until sooyoung and jiwoo entered high school: seeing how pretty their new uniforms are against the middle school ones you and your other sisters wore. then the magazines come in as they sneak them in their bags every time they bought a few on the way home from school alone—a contrast to your parents using their wealth to benefit themselves. the tons and tons of information you’ve collected from fashion, music, and gossip, all of them combined and ingrained into all of your minds, that there is something more to life other than this hellhole you call a household.

and so, you all fight in ways you are confident in. buying clothes that your mama deems inappropriate secretly. going out to see the town other than going to school or with your parents at night. trying something new, something dangerous, something fun. learning something to help to know your true self. all of that throughout 4 years of painful touches, curses, and living a life you wanted until near the end of summer break when papa found chaewon who can’t handle any more of the pain. a summer break that is full of ups but more downs than usual ones.

after chaewon gets out of the hospital, mama and papa couldn't be seen. the rest of you don’t want to see them anyway from the growing hatred you had for them, well, for mama. you remember all the insults and blame thrown onto all four of you for embarrassing her in the public's face, how fuming she is that her daughters don’t care about how she will be perceived later on. more changing of thoughts and emotions as she is becoming the real-life version of jekyll and hyde all of you have depicted her to be. because of them not coming home for days, partying up instead of taking care of such a vulnerable family before the day you move out, sooyoung thought of something to do as a last hurrah.

she has planned for all of you to go out to a bazaar by the beach near where you live before you move overmorrow. mama’s demands on cleaning up your less-needed stuff are made as she went out on a date with papa after putting her car in the new house—a perfect time to travel outside. sooyoung and jiwoo lead you onto the bus stop as they track down the stop's name by the beach. arriving there in the outfit you are all comfortable in and represents all of you uniquely, you observe hyejoo pulling a box of cigarettes out as you pick one up and putting it between your lips, nearing the end to the flame she ignites from the lighter as you take a huge puff. hence, the flame burns the stick before pulling it out, letting the heated smoke fly as your other three sisters stare at the two of you. chaewon gives a timid smile. her skin isn’t as healthy as it used to be as she was just discharged a few days ago.

walking down the boardwalk, booths upon booths of products line up in front of the beach as you all trail down the crowded street of the late summer, viewing the amount of street food that smells so delicious that you’ve only seen from magazines as mama has never given any sort of food like that for you to consume. that’s when you knock yourself on your older sister’s side as you turn your head to watch her looking at a stand that sells pieces of jewellery of any kind, but a mannequin’s foot takes her attention as she approaches to inspect the ankle that is wrapped with a chain around it. an anklet.

jiwoo’s focus on ice cream left you and sooyoung alone as the others are buying the food for you to snack on whilst you are here. approaching her, you hear her talk about wanting to buy a plain anklet like the one on display, but then you see the crescent moon charms in her cupped hands. she notices your presence when she turns to look at you and asked, “which of the charms here represent us the most?”

that’s when you step closer to see the small bowls of bracelet charms waiting to be hooked to the chain on the right person. you knew exactly why she asked that and you identified exactly what to bring up.

a white pearl charm catches your eyes as you pick up and pinch it between your thumb and forefinger, putting it between you and the person you knew represents this well. sooyoung.

as the oldest sister, you’ve gained much respect towards her and the elegance that exudes from her. a combination of old money and something modern. you’ve seen the dress designs in her journal beside the biology homework she has to take—the journal being more decorated is a piece of available evidence for you to identify which one she likes more under the pressure of your parents of her having a responsible and respectful career for a woman like a doctor or a lawyer. the suffocation she feels is always seen with the number of necklaces she likes to wear, a choker that is too tight for her neck but she doesn’t complain as she admires the mark it left on her skin back at home. the fashion magazines she sneaks in are always for her to see the latest line of her favorite fashion brands and models like kate moss and naomi campbell. boys flocking to admire her beauty every time she arrives at school, but she rejects them because they’re sometimes too pushy or even have a mindset of men in the golden age of hollywood—seeing her as an object that they seek to own. and she is so pissed to hear that.

a charm in the shape of a heart is going to represent your second oldest sister, jiwoo.

she has always been a lovable and positive child who loves to make people happy, sometimes clumsy, but she always tries to pass it as comedy. well, mama didn’t accept that at all as she has to be "proper, poised, and perfect." she always complains about that, being perfect when all she wants is to be different, especially since she came out to all of her sisters that she is a lesbian, a sapphic who loves anything woman and anything unique about a woman. you can always guess the girl she has a crush on by the subtle change in her gaze when they glance at them, but underneath that she has still seen to be friendly with the boys—the subtleness was gone in an instant when they interact with them flirting with her, the same look she has while rubbing her skin of the places they touch on her skin as hard as she can.

a silver butterfly-shaped charm is perfect for chaewon.

you’ve always thought that chaewon is a soul reincarnated from a beautiful and jovial fairytale. a fairy living in the deepest part of the forest who befriends every animal she can find. she wears the most regal but plain dress she could use from those hand-me-down gowns from mama. she also always greets her flowers every time she arrives back home from school, watering them and talking to them—like a butterfly spreading pollen to let the flowers grow. no wonder she is mama’s favorite daughter, her perfect mini-me. despite that, she is the one that breaks first from the intense amount of scrutiny. the unhealthy ways mama pressures her create her dislike of her own body, especially in facing the other people at school who look at her as the ditzy sister out of the five.

no other charm should be for hyejoo other than the moon.

hyejoo has always been a boundary pusher. she pushes for equality and eliminates activities assigned to a specific gender. mama always never allowed her to cut her hair short even to shoulder-length; that’s why she has so many hair ties on her wrist and in her bag. she has always been athletic, even tackling boys that have degraded her in volleyball in p.e. class. the teachers always acknowledged her skill as an athlete but not the students, especially jocks who presume she is doing it to steal their position. and yet, you can always see how sunken her eyes are every time she goes home with the sleeping pills she brought in her gym bag. the fight she has to defend a girl’s pride to do anything brought up every time she rebels on mama’s order, resulting in her being the one most scrutinised and under watch to do anything feminine; the reason she is the only one between the five of you to still being pushed in doing ballet.

for yourself, you pick a star.

you never knew how you would describe yourself when you always knew how you describe your sisters. sooyoung is the seductive one. jiwoo is the sweet one. chaewon is the regal one. hyejoo is the rebel one, then what about you?

you were always the one that tries to find yourself the most. all of your sisters have a counterpart to a famous character from a movie or a book, but you are an outsider. out of the five, you’re the one that is intelligent and always able to blend in with every sister. if sooyoung is the rock that everyone leans on, you’re the conch shell they can always hear to find comfort. a star is something so bright yet so dangerous, like the sun that is nearest to you. but, you’re the one that sparkles at night because you like to stay behind. you like to be unseen; you like to be different by playing classical guitar, listening to rock songs that mama doesn’t acknowledge—though she listens to elvis presley from time to time, and spending time after school while waiting for your sisters doing after-school clubs to cruise to the music store and discover any artists you can, even buying a discman from your savings and get a lot of cd mixes by the woman that founds the store who tells you her story of when she was a punk kid back in her youth.

as all of you sat at the table, sooyoung gave the anklets. sand grazes your feet as you gaze at the crowded beach with the backdrop of the sun going to sleep for the day. all of you settle on a promise. a promise sacred to all of you as you glimpse all the scars visible on your body: sooyoung with the light bruise on her neck, jiwoo and her scratch marks on her forearms, chaewon with her bandaged wrists, hyejoo and her sunken eyes, and you with your cigarette burns hidden on your thighs.

“no matter what, we cannot take off the anklet on our foot.” your oldest sister declared, followed by the nods and agreements voiced.

all of your stand up as you both create a circle, putting your right foot where the anklet sits to the middle, joining toes together. you look at all four of your sisters as they let out chuckles before jiwoo pushes the ones beside her forward as all of you follow to connect your head together.

a sister’s bond with each other. no one is left behind.

when you move away—putting your belongings in the truck—you can see the sadness and shock on each of your neighbors’ faces. giving a solemn smile, you turn away to see a few cars a few houses away and a few heads you recognized. boys that admired you and your sisters in your high school, all seem to not be willing to let you go.

boys look at you like they all do towards your sister, but the reaction to you is different. sooyoung replies in a flirtatious way. jiwoo replies in a friendly way. chaewon speaks timidly. hyejoo always taunts them back. while they never dared to approach you—turning their head away as fast as they can to avoid your view. though you know they want you like they want your sister, so unless you approach, they won’t act.

you remembered one boy in your first year who you approached. his parents used to be hippies and he got influenced by their culture—you used to think maybe a part of that could you help find your true self. he was the one who introduce you to smoking cigarettes: now a pass time for you and hyejoo to let out stress. you didn’t go out with him again when you found he already had a girlfriend from a girl who sends a message to you about his behavior and other victims. since then, you’ve only gone out with someone who you deem worthy, but in the end, they always find troubles that help you stray away from them by themselves. your task was to approach those boys who admired you from far away or to break up with them when you can see the warnings. never have they sought you out first.

so it stunned you to know that a boy likes to stare at you and not easily turn away when you faced him.

your neighbor and classmate, taehyun.

you notice nothing particularly unique in taehyun with his first impression before, but you recall how he looks at you behind that glasses of his when his mom invites your family to dinner. then the encounter you had in the kitchen, confronting him on why he glances at you and your sisters more than the food in front of him. you thought your comment will stop him but he doesn’t give up. you could always outsmart him, already sensing that he is there just from the one month you and he become neighbors and classmates. you can sense his gaze on you and your sisters as you change your uniforms to something you all like rather than a uniform that is uniformed with the other kids. you can always notice every time you hung out for lunch with your sisters outside every time he walks past you with his friend kai.

with that proof, you experiment.

first with park sunghoon. the so-called ice prince who is practically obnoxious, knowing his face will win him anything as he always proudly shows his features and genetics from his b-list actor dad and pageant-winner mom. you only approached him at lunch and he already thinks you want to date him. you didn’t even last a week with him when he suddenly asks for sex, which you deny and let go of immediately. he tries to save face at school later to repair his pride by your lockers when you blatantly open up on how he cannot respect a person’s choice, not failing to notice the subtle smirk shown on taehyun’s lips as he sees you openly speak up on your year’s famous guy.

the second experiment is with nicholas wang. a biker kid at school who joins a biker gang along with college students. he’s a more subtle version of obnoxious, thinking that every rule has to bend for him. he is almost like sunghoon but they use something different from each other. you and he last for more than a week, but the reek of alcohol on him just disgusts you. he sometimes brought you home with his bike that has the loudest engine, as if someone in your neighborhood just wants to show off their ferrari maranello down the street. one day when he brought you home—acting as a good “girlfriend”—you kiss his cheek before he left with his loud engine down the street. you knew that day you wanted to cut off from him when you feel how wobbly he rode the bike and you were behind him. you rather die on your account than because of him.

when he turns the corner away from your street, you pull out the cigarette box from your backpack and pick a stick to put between your lips. grabbing the lighter you have in your pocket, you turn the spark wheel and press down as the flame ignites, quickly shoving the end of the cigarette to burn it, puffing in the smoke and letting out as you try to clean the taste of the biker boy away. with your driveway empty and your house also, you stood outside the front lawn smoking away the stick. flicking the ash away as it falls on the pavement, you let your eyes wander around the neighborhood and the houses in it. the house of the young couple that just has a baby before turning to the house in front of you when you can see from a particular window, a silhouette of a boy.

taehyun.

he always has his sheer curtain covering his window from time to time, but it seems that he is lazy to widen it this hour. you can see him wearing his uniform shirt but with buttons open, showing his undershirt beneath it. you let your eyes gaze at his toned body that you never notice underneath his shirt and burgundy sweater. it stayed that way until he realizes that you notice him, dashing forward to the window yet not instantly closing the curtain. you took a huge puff, letting the smoke out as taehyun’s eyes were still on yours, before letting the cigarette fall to the pavement you are standing on. your leg instinctively crushes the stick beneath your shoes as you let out a smirk at him who looks at you before turning around. the only time, taehyun noted, that the cigarette you smoke didn’t burn halfway from the original length.

a month has passed since school started and it didn’t take too long for the excitement of homecoming to spread across the school as people asks to be each others’ date. you and your sisters quickly avoid the topic all together as mama prepares you all for a ball you have to join at the end of the year instead. sooyoung didn’t believe just how wide your family’s connection is until the real-life fact of your mama leaving you five behind to take care of the new home not even five days pass from moving in. it is a habit of hers to be such a socialite first, but never a mother first.

sooyoung and hyejoo mention 'school dance' once at the dining table—a once-in-a-blue-moon time when both of your parents are home—before mama then mentions how all of you aren’t allowed to go. you and your sisters turn towards papa who just shrugs his shoulder before you give an exasperated look to jiwoo sitting across you, replying with a sad small smile. something you knew would happen but still tried anyway.

the plucking continues as you move to sit in the circle after the movie ends, seeing chaewon rewinding the tape of the movie back with a pencil while sooyoung and jiwoo talk about homecoming as if they’re the ones going.

“who would you go with anyway?” hyejoo cuts them off as sooyoung turns her head towards her younger sister.

“juyeon,” she said coolly as all of you turn your heads toward her.

“the quarterback?” hyejoo asks as sooyoung nods. jiwoo’s smile on her face as she shrieked and nudge your shoulder, the guitar creating a weird clank as you pouted whilst facing her. she answers by caressing your head as you let out a big eye roll jokingly, making chaewon chuckle beside you.

“i wanna go with gyuri from theatre.” jiwoo said as your eyebrows lifted while mouthing “i knew it.”

“of course you do. we can see that enamored look you have every time she walks by. mama wouldn’t allow it, though.” sooyoung answered.

“i know mommy wouldn’t,” she sighs as she stretches her arms, lifting them to the ceiling before putting them behind her and putting her weight on them. “but a girl can hope, right?” you hear your sisters’ chuckle combining with yours.

chaewon looks between the four of you as she cuts in while you’re quieting down. “i think if we can go, i would go with that boy in school whose mother is friends with ours.”

“you mean seungmin?” jiwoo mentions the boy’s name you recognize as part of the student council. your sister gives a sheepish nod before covering her cheeks with her palms. a habit you learned from her as she always does that since you were a toddler whenever she got shy or flustered.

you move to see hyejoo as she tucks her knees close to her chest, “hyejoo’s not going to join ri-“

“actually i may go. if we can.” the girl mentioned spoke as you pat her kneecaps, leaning forward with your guitar on your lap.

“no shit.” you exclaimed.

“yeah, it’s sooyoung and jiwoo’s last year, so i’ll go for the sake of them.” awws coming from the sisters before chaewon speaks up.

“you know, you’ll be a great couple if you go with sunwoo.”

you heard a gasp as hyejoo eyes widen and eyebrows furrowed, “kim sunwoo the boy’s football team captain a.k.a. my mortal enemy? not a chance.”

“but you mentioned to me a couple of times that he gave you the flirty eyes.” you join in as you see your triplet sister nod, “and you don’t taunt him all the time like the other boys you mention to us.”

“true.” jiwoo exclaimed before you hear hyejoo’s grunt as they now turn towards you, knowing the question that is already ingrained into all of your minds.

“honestly, i don’t know,” you said as you rub your fingertips against the strings, feeling the skin hardening because of your calluses.

“what about that nicholas guy?” jiwoo asks before sooyoung leans in and nudges her hand.

“she’s not with nicholas anymore. don’t you notice?” your oldest sister said as jiwoo acts up with a funny offended look on her face.

hyejoo asked, “what about that boy?”

tilting your head towards her, “what boy?”

hyejoo looks at all four of you as they glance at each other, nodding their heads while using their bond that they block you from because you didn’t understand who they were talking about.

“you know him, (y/n),” sooyoung said followed by a giggle.

“who?” you realized you sounded like an owl when asking, putting the guitar on the floor beside you.

even though it is just five of you, chaewon leans in and speaks lowly. “kang taehyun.”

kang taehyun.

the name that rings in your mind ever since you meet him, well, fading in and out behind the wall of music that is playing in your ear with your discman and headphones on.

the only boy that is brave enough to subtly pursue you, not shying away from the so-called intimidation you are exuding unconsciously.

“i- i don’t know really… maybe? i just don’t wanna scare him.”

“oh (y/n) darling.” jiwoo said as she caress your hand, “you don’t know how many times he has gazed at you like you’re an angel that has fallen from the sky. he will not be scared by you.” your eyebrows move as your eyes blink, thinking about what your sister said as they all converse more about their future dates if you all could go with you. leaving you alone, wallowing with the thought of the boy from across the street.

that’s when you realized a spoken rule mama mentioned ongoing to any dance event by the school. she has talked about it before when you and your triplet sisters have just started high school.

“all of you must have a date to go. mama won’t like it if any of her daughters embarrassed her with no one by their sides.”

deep down inside, it’s the first time you notice your mama catch something about how the five of you interact with boys and use them against it. as if she knows that with your personality that varies from sibling to sibling, you won’t find a date for all five of you. one will always be left behind.

but you want to make a great memory with your sisters. you want to seep into the smallest frame of freedom you have just for half of the day. you want your older sisters to feel like teenage girls before they become an adult. you want everyone to experience what a girl in high school should experience. finding self. finding friends. finding moments that turn into memories. finding love.

it could all start with homecoming. you could think of something to get your sisters the partners they want to go with for homecoming. but as a newcomer, you have to have someone who can show you the school and the people in it.

you know someone who can help you.

-

gripping onto the strap of the backpack on his shoulder, taehyun lets out his breath in a huge yet silent whoosh. the muscles on his arms ache from yesterday’s exercise at the club but dissipate as the length between that day gets longer to the present. his veins seems to protrude more because of it and the bandage tapes that were supposed to cover his hands only while training: stayed on his left hand, wrapped around his thumb and along his palm as he can feel how the nerve signal of pain moves along thin wires to his brain every time he moves it slightly.

taehyun pushes his glasses up with the bandaged hand as he stands in front of his classroom door.

he’s standing there alone. no one at his side.

the door opens from the force of his healthy hand as eyes inside the room land on him, some were surprised, some are nonchalant—you were one of them. the nearest classmate from the door looks between him and the space beside him where his best friend should be standing. kai is not coming into class today. he just told taehyun he got a fever from the messenger window as he finishes his morning workout. he is not used to being without him at school. and other people also think like him too.

his eyes directly landed on yours, who sat at the very back with your headset on, covering your ears as he sees the corners of your lips twitching up. it lingers before you turn away towards the window, the right for him to walk to his seat a few seats away from you. he rubs his cheek against the sleeve of his burgundy sweater, stretching his head and neck while moving his knuckles, feeling the pain remains as he gets used to it. taehyun prepares his usual for today’s classes as the other students come in. the empty seat to his left is kai’s. he used to talk to him about random things, though kai is the more talkative one out of the two. and now, the bore is seeping through without his friend to talk to him beside where he sits.

he thought he could catch some sleep—the tiredness coming from the workout yesterday where he spar with his coach—and be able to rest his eyes and mind for a few minutes before the first bell rings. tilting his head to find the right position on the desk is when he sees the fabric of a familiar sweater.

“is this seat taken?” his ears perked and he turn to see the unexpected appearance.

you. your headset hanging around your neck as you’re holding your backpack in one hand while the other hand is holding onto your discman.

his eyebrows twitch in surprise before he shakes his head and says, “no.”

“okay. can i sit here?” you replied as you gently put your belongings down on the desk and beside it on the tiled floor. he sees a bit of hesitation in your movement before he gives a nod to you. the grip on your belongings loosen as they sat on where you put them before making yourself comfortable in your seat that was supposed to be kai’s.

while taehyun stays still—slowly turning his head to the front of the class—he can feel the warmth of another human being beside him and smell a hint of your eau de toilette. peeking, he sees you wrapping the headset around the discman before putting it in your bag on the floor. his eyes cannot stop rapidly looking at anything in front of him before he took another peek beside him and see you picking your nails that are resting on the connected desk. the two hands have different lengths for fingernails. one hand’s nails are longer than the other.

the teacher came into the class as all his classmates settled and class starts while taehyun sat in his seat, tense. his attention is on the teacher introducing the outline of today’s lesson, but his bandaged hand fidgets from a sudden contact from your own that is resting on the desk, mostly a light touch of a finger against his bandage. yet, taehyun still can’t believe that it’s real. he didn’t realize how his glasses frame has slides down the bridge of his nose before pushing it up.

“hey…” his head turns to find yours slightly facing him. not even five minutes since class started, and he had already lost focus.

“homecoming is, well, coming. and i just want to ask.” you licked your lips before continuing. “do you have a date for it?”

a date for homecoming? no. nada. he didn't even consider coming to homecoming this year.

he went there before in his first year with kai when they want to see how the crowd goes. but, since they don’t have any dates, it gets boring as the night continues. he remembered the faces sucking on each other as they craved for one another. a few teachers were chaperoning, but all he could remember is seeing the sociology teacher making out with the p.e. teacher. he tried to mingle with a few of the other ‘outsiders’ who attend, but they don’t click with him and kai. so, when prom comes at the end of the year, he rather played on his nintendo 64 with kai than go to another dance that will not be productive for him at least—and he wants to do the same for homecoming this year.

but the way you question him about it is intriguing to him, earning a slight tilt as an indirect response…

“i don’t.” he heard you hum after it whilst nodding your head, a slight smirk forming.

“then, if you’ll go, who would you want as a date?”

taehyun’s eyes enlarge as he can feel the warmth creeping onto his cheek before looking elsewhere. the teacher that is writing on the board, his classmates—who he knows are dating—are cuddling with one another in their seats, and his other classmates that sat at the back were playing with their game boy consoles.

yet, your query creeps in once again before an image of the five girls that have everyone wrapped around their fingers shows up, the faces all blurry except one.

“you.”

he caught a gasp beside him as he faces to see your wide eyes and palm-covered mouth. your hand trails down from your lips to your chest where your heart resides. “i’m flattered.”

huh?

taehyun scramble in his seat—but as discreetly as possible—as he barely realized he spoke out. he spoke out about wanting to have you as a date. his date.

fuck…

he was just trying to talk to himself when he spoke out. why would his mouth let out the word? why would he-

“well, we could go together.” his head whipped to face you, eyes moving all over the place as he doesn’t want anyone to notice how he reacts.

is taehyun dreaming? did you just say you want to go with him to homecoming? no chance, right? you could go with sunghoon, nicholas, or any other guy. you have everyone wrapped around your fingers. yet, you consider him?

“but i have a favor for you, well for us actually.” the touches of your hand gently caress his bandaged hand, lightly with no pressure. he sees you moving your upper body closer to him. your eyes glisten like a starlight at night. he can’t see the cracks clearly, but the way your pupils tremble is still a sign that there is something you are trying to hold back. your fingertips resting on top of the bandage as you pursed your lips.

“i want me and my sisters to go to homecoming this year. but my ma said that we can only go if all of us have a date. we talked about who we want as dates and i want to help them.” you lean back with a small pout on your lips, arms wrapped in front of your upper body. his eyes landed on your lips as your tongue gives a small lick before a light bite.

“as a new kid, i don’t think i’m familiar enough with these people. and there is where you come in.” the palpitating of his heart didn't stop when you looked at him again.

“i want to ask for your help to get their ideal date. would you help me-“

“yes.” he didn’t hesitate. taehyun’s trance falls out as he returns to looking around the class instead of you, hearing your chuckles from such a fast response.

“that’s swell. then, we can talk more during lunch.” he returns to you as you tilt your head, chin nudging towards the direction of your connected desk. “i don’t want to bother your studies.” you seem to finish the conversation.

he nodded and fixed his sitting position, grabbing the pen in his left hand, trying not to grip it so tightly as he wants it to heal. his eyes are anchored on the board in front of him, now full of the materials for today’s lesson whilst the teacher is explaining each pointer. taehyun felt like it was a blessing of his to know that one of the smart and active kids in his year is also in his class. both of them have a friendly rivalry for the highest overall score where they respect each other for it, and that includes participation scores. taehyun felt lucky the teacher focused on them, asking questions instead of wondering why taehyun didn’t ask any, distracted by having such an otherworldly being sitting by his side.

taehyun’s shoulder is tight when he can sense yours touching his. the chair moving beside him is unnoticeable before the light pressure’s touch. your body leans forward as both hands are on the desk, one writing and the other holding onto the notebook. the light on the ceiling gave a certain shine to your nails, highlighting how clean they look on both hands. your hair has fallen to your side, obscuring a few parts of your face from him. that’s when he noticed how your pinky finger rested on his bandaged hand. the fingernail is sharp enough that sometimes it caught onto the wrap.

he can’t push you away from his thoughts as the class continues, as another teacher comes in and teach another lesson, and as lunch finally comes.

when the bell rings, your chair scrapes the floor along with the others and you stood up to go outside of class as fast as lightning, leaving taehyun alone without no one to have lunch with. he thought you both will go together, but he remembered you never mention that to him, so he tidies up his desk and supplies on his part of the desk while seeing his classmates flocking out into the hallway and joining the herd. his vision lingers on the wide desk before focusing on your side to see how tidy you put your overwhelming pastel pink items when you knew the bell is about to ring. it contrasts with your plain dark grey backpack that is on the floor beside the desk.

taehyun can’t help but want to put it on your chair because anyone could accidentally kick it. that’s why he reaches out and grabs your backpack from the straps, not knowing its zipper is open, the blue discman catching his eyes’ attention.

the boy looks around the class to see no one now as they enjoy their lunch break. he couldn’t help it as he grabs your discman, the wrapped headset is now loose as he can pull the music player without tangling the wire yet it's connected in the port. the device is plain, blue with silver on its side, and the screen is a blank greenish hue as you preserve the battery of it. his attention sticks to the open button on the end of the row of buttons, genuinely interested in knowing the kind of music you hear as you seem to always be seen using it.

his thumb presses on the button and the lid opens, a plain silver cd attached inside with writings written with a marker—writing that is not yours from how he compares it with the written words in the notebook.

to my little pixie, y/n ☾

good luck with your new place and school, i will miss seeing you in the store - seulgi

cd mix #12 (‘88-‘95)

you made me realize - my bloody valentine

sweetness and light - lush

blue thunder - galaxie 500

doll parts - hole

tonight, tonight - the smashing pumpkins

...

taehyun traced out the writings on the burned cd, staring at the familiar formatting that forms three out of four sides of the circle, 15 song titles, and their artists with whom he mostly doesn’t recognize with a few scribbles on the last empty side. with the ones he does, he remembered the times when he caught his sister watching mtv and seeing the artists there, either their music video or their appearance on unplugged. looking at the number, the person must be so informed in music if they can make 12 cd mixes with 15 songs each on average.

he stares at the desk across from the seat as he recalls how your hand grazes his, most touching his bandage but some on his skin. though mostly the pinky, he can feel roughness and texture from its tip. combining with how you used to pick on your fingernails, he associates the texture from that small graze also with the calluses that are forming on his knuckles.

closing the lid of the discman, he realized he spend too much time wondering things where your words cross his mind again. he puts the music player inside the backpack—not forgetting to plug in your headset once again and wrap them around it as best as he can—and zips the backpack up as it leans against the back of the chair like his own.

the boy’s feet walk on the empty room and the mostly vacant hallways as he buys lunch he will eat whilst meeting you. he always sat at the seat near the front of the school at lunch with kai and it was near the tree you usually are at with your sisters, but there might be a reason you pick that specific brick wall.

hands holding onto the food package in his hands along with a water bottle, taehyun strolls along the main field of the school, seeing some jocks from differing teams of sports hanging out either at the field or on the bleachers. his feet brought him to the familiar place you told him as he sees faint grey clouds floating up. the boy looks at the source: you sitting on the graveled path, upper body leaning against the wall, a cigarette between your fingers as flick it to let the ash fall.

you turn your head to the sound of the gravel, looking up to see taehyun in his burgundy sweater, his glasses’ bridge fallen near the button of his nose, and his lunch in both of his hands. a small smile forming from your lips as you spoke while a light smoke flows out, “took you long enough.”

“the line is pretty long so that's why,” he replied, letting out the latest truth and no other reason why he took a long time. you give a nod before patting the space beside you.

taehyun slowly sits down beside you, following you by leaning his head against the vertical supporter. he could feel how his body is stretching and how relieving it is for his spine as he can faintly hear the cracking sounds that are from a layer that sticks two bones with one another that he learned from biology class that was discussing anatomy. his eyes stick onto your empty lap, the blue plaid uniform skirt resting on your knees.

“you’re not eating?”

“i already ate lunch with my siblings. that’s why i went out of the room so fast. chaewon is the one that holds onto our lunch boxes as she distributes them. so i don’t have any pocket money.” you said before sighing. “ma doesn’t even allow us to buy food outside the ones she made for the house.”

taehyun looks at his food on his lap, wandering between it and you as you take another puff from the cig between your fingers. the smoke slowly floats and dissipates into the air, the scent of it combining with the eau de toilette he smelled when you sat beside him. the mention of your mother reminds him of when he last saw her. though she looks nice, your words are contradictory. also with the fact that you and your sisters change your uniforms, the all-day disappearing presence of your parents’ cars usually appeared near midnight when he was talking with kai or his club friends.

his eyes return to his cooling food before deciding to eat it. you turn your head towards him as you glance down at the food, a certain melancholic look in your gaze before you blink it away.

“i’m going to tell you more about the plan, okay?” you let out the smoke when speaking, and the boy hummed to reply.

when he hears your plan for the homecoming, he realized how meticulously you spoke and think. taehyun’s perception of girls was pretty obscure, other than his mom and his sister. not that he is intimidated by them, but he spends more time with boys. the girls he sees in the rom-com movies he watched with his sister didn’t help either—how they are portrayed as ditzy and more as a desirable character for the main protagonist who is mostly a guy. he realized that the characters he knows are one-sided, the same as when people perceiving both you and your sisters. yet as he heard you talk, speaking about how detailed you talk about your sisters’ dream date and how you have a plan to approach him, the perception slowly moves for the better.

he hated how he thought so before. because they are people. and people are complex.

“so, sunwoo from football, juyeon from the other football, gyuri from theatre, and seungmin from the council?”

“yeah.”

“then how about you?” he said as he eyes on the only folded finger on his hand. though he focused on your words and accepted your favor, he can’t help to think that you were ‘using’ him. even with the light threat that you gave him—more of a warning rather than a threat actually—he still always notices you and you notice him. he always sees how sometimes clench your hands into fists, the knuckles of the white bone pushing up to the surface of your skin, sometimes rubbing your eyes with them.

he wants to reach out. but your mysterious and unpredictable aura stopped him. that’s why he grabs the opportunity when it’s proposed to him. how he felt sorry if you have your own dream dat-

“my dream date is you,” you said before clearing your throat, the hand holding onto your cigarette is now pushing the stick onto the gravel between the two of you before you buried it by the brick wall with the gravel, obscuring the white outer layer. taehyun’s eyes widen as he puts away the empty container and bottle on either side of him.

“i’ve been going out with a few people. i’ve tried to ever since i rebelled against my ma. but no one clicks with me. i guess i picked you because you were the only boy i met in other circumstances besides school. maybe that sense of familiarity is why it came to me that you’ll be a fine date.”

the boy views you moving closer to him, how your skirt grazes his pants as both you and he faces the sudden wind blowing with your sweaters, making you shrug your body against his. he pushes his glasses up as he turns his head towards you, biting on your bottom lip as you stayed in contact with his own vision.

he sees your shoulders rise before saying, “i know we stepped out on the wrong foot back when i ate dinner at your house. i was insecure with us moving here and some…” you let out a chuckle. “shenanigans happening in my home life.”

he trails along the features on your face before focusing back on your eyes. the haunting cracks in it is still there but no trembles. no tremble when you stayed to look at him.

“so we have a truce, i guess?” you let out a pinky from your hand as he can’t help but let out a small smile, making you let out your own before he slots his own between yours.

“a truce.”

the bell rings at the right time as you tried to stand up using your own might and core muscles. taehyun lets out a giggle before he realized he can’t support himself to stand up if he doesn’t want to hurt his empty left hand.

that’s when he sees you leaning down to grab his half-filled bottle before wrapping both of your hands around his wrist as you drag him up, his legs a bit stumbling as you still hold on to his wrist before you notice and let go.

“let’s,” you said whilst tilting your head and you walked together through the sprawling hallway into your class.

when you both arrived at your classroom, he noticed you staring at your backpack on your chair before turning your head towards him who is sitting down.

“i don’t want your things being kicked so i put it up on the chair.” he explains as you mouthed a small “thanks” before sitting down beside him once again until the end of the school day.

kai is going to have a field day hearing about this.

-

it didn’t take long for you to be enamored by taehyun.

it sounds a bit cliché, but he’s different from all the boys you know. and the number of boys you know is limited, knowing the restrictions you’ve gotten throughout your life.

before you asked him, you had thought about it. realizing that when pursuing each and every dream date your sisters want with him, it will noticeably get you two close. but you didn’t realize how fast it was going to be.

it started when you both tried to approach juyeon—the one who is easiest according to him as you’ve told him that the senior is very much attracted to your sister. “just a small nudge,” taehyun said to you, is needed to let the senior learn you can help him get a chance to go on a date with your sister to homecoming. and that’s what you do.

“hello, juyeon.” you confidently approach the senior, a burning sensation on the back of your head as you glimpse behind you to spot taehyun a few steps away.

the senior holds the ball in his hand as he turns to you. a few of his teammates stop and are stunned to look at you—knowing your presence compared to your sister is that you are the “unapproachable” one.

“moon (y/n), what makes you come here to the field?” you detect the smirk formed on his face while fixing the pads on his upper body.

“i was wondering if you have a date for homecoming yet.”

“oh!” you heard him exclaimed as the smirk turns into a grin, trying to make you entranced by him as many people did. but you can see a genuine surprise and concern as his face subtly portrays. “many have approached me but i don’t feel like it. though if i could go with either of the five moon sisters, that’ll be great.”

“that’s great.” another voice comes in beside you. you don't need to face him to recognize who they are.

“we actually have a plan for you to go with one. specifically, the oldest.” taehyun nudges the proposal to the senior as he looks at both of you. as you stood beside one another, both of your hands graze each other.

“sooyoung?” juyeon wanders his eyes away before giggling to himself. “okay. does your sister know?”

“she doesn’t, but it’s a surprise. you can do any kind of proposal you want to her. she’ll be happy any other way.” as you peer at taehyun, you let out a smile and he does the same.

seungmin is a harder approach as he’s always busy but kai, who is mysteriously acquainted with everybody, gets him to meet you, taehyun, and himself during lunch—after you ate your lunch because you don’t want your sister to be suspicious of you.

“hey kai. why do you ask me- oh hey, taehyun!” seungmin then moves his head while noticing all three of you. “and (y/n), what a pleasant crowd we have here.”

“it just happens.” kai replied with a gleeful smile. “come sit.” he pats the empty spot on the bench beside him, facing you and taehyun on the other side.

“as you know, homecoming is around the corner…” taehyun starts before lightly tapping your hand on the table. you cleared your throat before continuing.

“and as a family friend of mine, i would really like it, if you’re available, to go with chaewon.” your statement causes him to raise his eyebrows, making you chuckle. “i assume that since you talk to her all the time when our family met up that you are close to her. i’m trying to make her happy after… what happened…” you give a somber look that only you and seungmin could understand while you catch kai and taehyun talking with each other using non-verbal gestures; a few shrugs are exchanged between them.

“of course. seeing as your sister has been such a lovely person to me, i could do that.” you raised your eyebrows as the corner of your lips lifted, facing away as you held on to your beam. “does she know you’re doing this?” you whiffled your head after seungmin’s questions. your hand on your lap unconsciously moves to the tiny space between you and taehyun as his leg lightly jumps from the encounter, making you shift towards him in surprise and you retract your hand.

but, he held onto your hand. not letting you pull away from him.

gyuri practically lives in the auditorium. the mirror with lightbulbs around its frame is where she sits as she tried on the costume she’ll be using for the play. that’s when she sees you from the reflection in the mirror, approaching her.

“hi (y/n). it’s a surprise to see you here. can i help you?”

“i, uh… want to ask a few questions.” you watch her turning around to face you, attentively listening to your next words. “i don’t know if it’s just me that has noticed it, but do you have any attraction towards my sister, jiwoo?”

your question makes her lean her head back on the chair, squinting her eyes in suspicion as she looks at you before letting pit a sigh, “how can i not be attracted to your sister?” you see her smile, “she’s… the sweetest girl i’ve ever met.”

“you’re in luck because she’s attracted to you too and…” you step closer to her, “i was hoping that you’re available to go to homecoming with her? i know the situation isn’t as ideal as you want. but my friend has an idea for his friend to be the cover-up date for her so you and she can meet up here at school.”

you explained taehyun’s idea of making kai jiwoo’s “date” when he’ll pick her up at your house along with your sisters. kai doesn’t have a date and doesn’t want to have a date, but when taehyun talks to him about helping you, he agrees and you don’t know how he agreed that fast. you assumed the boy needed more convincing, but taehyun found the right words and a great explanation for him to agree, or maybe he is as loyal to taehyun as you are to your sisters.

“i will contact you after i get out of the costume. your classroom is on the second floor, right?” gyuri’s eye smile as she sees you nod before you left the backstage area.

going out of the dark auditorium to the school’s main hallway, you see taehyun leaning against the wall in between lockers. he bent his head at you with a small smile as you give him a thumbs up, both of you walking away while discussing random stuff to spend your free time with as the teacher can’t teach for the class period.

sunwoo was the hardest to approach. the sayings by hyejoo on how the boy’s football team hated her stuck into your mind when you tried to approach him for your joined p.e. class in the indoor court. the two classes are playing dodgeball together. sunwoo is the prime target for your class to hit and they, indeed, succeed when they got him out. so it’s the perfect opportunity for you—who got out while defending your classmates—to talk to him.

“hi sunwoo.” your words catch the captain’s ear as he slightly faces you.

“hello, moon number 5.” you squint your eyes at the nickname as he continues, “here for something?”

“just not the way you think.” you regained your confidence as you sat on the empty long bleachers.

“it’s… can i ask you a question?”

he hummed while drinking from his water bottle. “go on.”

“what do you think of my sister?” your fingers playing with each other as you look between them and your schoolmates in front of you, throwing the balls as hard as they can to hit someone.

“which one?” he asked.

“number 4.”

“ah… hyejoo.” from the corner of your eyes, you can see him nodding his head. “i don’t know why she hates us but, not gonna lie, i’m alright with her.”

your hand covered your mouth as you recall her complains, perceiving it as she was too dense with her ideology. she is one of the stubborn ones, like you. you nod to tell the captain that you got what he spoke out.

you spoke in a serious tone “if that is so, i can tell you that hyejoo is attracted to you,” before you nudge your shoulder to his playfully.

“for real?”

“yeah, i can’t believe it myself. and she doesn’t have a date yet for homecoming. if you play your cards right, you might be going with her.”

you lean in closer so he can hear you, faintly saying something that is as close to the truth but not in the right frequency. recalling, in your mind, the people your sisters and you have rejected because you couldn’t go if you want to. the reason sooyoung asks mama again about school dances in the first place.

“my sisters and I are one of the most sought people for homecoming. we have been asked to be other people’s dates, but we’ve denied them because we want a specific person to ask. and hyejoo… well, she is waiting for you.”

sunwoo’s eyebrows rise as he looks at you, intrigued in his eyes before his head looks at the dodgeball players playing on the court, “i’ll think about that.”

you give a small smile to him before looking at the dodgeball people to see it’s a 1v3 where taehyun is the last player in your class. kai crawls towards you on the floor and sits against the bleachers you sat on top of. he gives you an unrecognizable expression as your gaze stays on him before the screams of your schoolmates catch your attention. you pivot your head up, seeing taehyun dodging the ball thrown by the other student as you see the other two walking to the side. he grabs the thrown ball, a burning look in his eyes.

the ball he threw hit the other student on the leg as he celebrates and your p.e. teacher blew the whistle. taehyun has a wide grin you’ve never seen before on his face as he turns to face you and kai who sat near each other, kai’s hollering to his best friend gain a laugh from you while you catch him looking at you, proud in his eyes as you give a smile, wider than usual. only for him.

when you got the news that the four dream dates of your sisters have asked them for homecoming, you didn’t expect their loud voices to bombard you when you enter your and your triplet sisters’ bedroom. hyejoo standing up near her bed—the farthest from yours and chaewon’s by the window that overlooks the street—as she looks at you with a sheepish smile and tells you how sunwoo asks her to homecoming at practice. her rambling comments about it make both sooyoung and jiwoo enter your room from their own across the hallway and chaewon’s footsteps climb up the stairs as even her small voice can combine with your sisters to create a dissonance yet beautiful harmony as you stood in the center of them.

“juyeon made this whole proposal before his practice with a bouquet i have in my room.”

“seungmin just give me a box of chocolate with a note near my classroom.”

“sunwoo and his crew created this bet where he and i do a cross-bar challenge and he asked me to go after he won. i wanna punch his teammates but i got the money anyway because he said so.”

“gyuri asked me out when i come out of home-economics class with a small box of eclairs. then, she said to talk to you after it, (y/n).” jiwoo’s head turns towards you as your other sisters followed. you nip the inside of your cheek as you tried not to giggle at your plan working, but a small snicker you let out causes the others to stare at each other.

“do you know anything about it, (y/n)?” your oldest sister asked as you can’t suppress it anymore, letting out the largest smile you have ever let out. an overwhelming joy that has been pushed down since you were a toddler.

“i do. i’m the one that approaches them so they ask you because i know all of you are too uptight to ask them by yourselves.” you snickers before looking down at your feet.

one-by-one, your sisters stride towards you and open their arms to envelop you from the steps on the floor. all of your body warmth combines to combat the cold and pain as you try your best to hug them with your two hands open as wide as you can. but, when you heard the cheers of your sisters, your beaming comes to a halt as your mind wanders to what your sisters said. sooyoung with flowers, jiwoo with eclairs, hyejoo with cash money, and chaewon with her chocolate. and just the act of them being asked instead of them asking their date.

while you don’t have none.

soon, they step back while giving a few ruffles on the head and a few kisses on it too, making you scramble out of their hold. chaewon’s stare lingers on you for a beat too long as you see her concerned gaze at you.

“how about you?” chaewon asked. the only one who noted that you aren’t as excited as they are. your smile falls to its resting position as pouted your lips, thinking of the right words to tell them.

“i’ve signaled taehyun, but he has made no moves yet.”

are you jealous because your sisters are the ones getting asked? yes. do you wish taehyun will automatically recognize your signals? not really. though he is a smart boy, taehyun sometimes gets too tense when you are around. he clammed up verbally and physically, as it feels like you have a spell that is only affecting him. with how both of you planned to approach each of your sister’s dates, you recognized something coming out of your neighbor every time you look at him or near his presence.

admiration and determination.

you hoped that what he exudes transfers to you as well so you can execute your plan that you have thought about very thoroughly afterwards—involving both he and you. but now, in the bask of your sisters’ joyfulness. you can only hope he will notice and make you more sure.

homecoming was more than a week away when the principal asked for your year to do a joined class in the auditorium as the last class of the day. after having a small smoke break and not forgetting the binder you brought from class, you walked as the sweater paw from your striped sweater dusted the ashes that might have fallen from the cigarette you were having to your blue-plaid skirt. walking into the auditorium, you identify that they’re playing an animal documentary while hearing the narrator narrate—glad that you aren’t terribly late as it starts with the usual nature shot before closing in on the animal. your eyes are searching for the recognizable head with protruding glasses that promised to keep a seat for you before you spot him, who is also looking around, agitated.

when taehyun notices you, he pats the seat while you nod your head with a small smile, saying a small apology for the people you disturb before arriving at the seat and sitting down on it. you sat beside him once again in class today when he came in without kai, saying that he has a family wedding he has to attend. you observe the ocean of heads beneath you that you seat pretty high up and not at the center of the room, slightly to the edge near the speaker that is playing the sound of birds chirping and gushing of wind.

your shoulder touches taehyun’s as you lean your arm on the armrest that is connected to his. the binder you’re holding is on your lap with your other hand. you stare at the projection on the curtain of a peacock showing his colorful furs. from where you both at, you can hear both of your breaths beside each. a gentle touch on your hand. the air of the air-conditioned room getting warm.

“as we see, the peacock opens his train. the beautiful blue, green, yellow furs ruffling as he tries to get the attention of the peahen.” said the narrator.

looking down at the armrest, you can recognize the bandage he wrapped on his left hand once again as yours rest next to it. his hand looks like it almost falls from the armrest with just a slight nudge, but your lingering fingers near his make his own move, sneakily approaching your own before moving back. the edge of your nails creates a small scratching noise from the bandage only you and him can hear. when you peer at him, his head is not moving away from the screen. your hand paused when something slips between it and your body’s side, the bandage now up against your palm as he locks his fingers with yours, which you reciprocate back.

“but the peahen has choices. she can see what humans couldn’t. the right mate. we can only describe beauty to any peacock’s train. yet, the peahen is the one that can see and choose who she wants to mate with.”

your fingers loosen as you angle your head to the hand. taehyun takes a quick peek at it also, peering at you with a tense gaze before returning to the screen that light the dark auditorium. you sense something burning on your lower part and something flowing down there too, squeezing your thighs as best as you can from the tingling. the comprehensive sex education class you took before helps in knowing what it’s called. arousal.

even if your sisters have mentioned sex, the taboo, and the importance of it in one’s relationship; indulging in it is never an option. you remembered your sex-ed teacher teaching about masturbation and arousal. even though you wanted to try to relieve it when you sense it, the only time you can is in the bathroom and it takes too long for you as you’ve heard the knock on the door where you just start caressing the nub that the teacher said is called the ‘clitoris’. all the time you perceive the same burning, it’s just plain arousal for the sake of it coming to you, but it came not from thinking about the sex—because you never have thought about someone like that before.

until taehyun comes into your mind.

taehyun seems to let you play with his hand, as he didn’t bother to stay looking your way. but you were already a step forward when you pick his hand up and rest them on your upper thigh near where your underwear is. the binder is the perfect cover to press down on your other thigh so the girl sitting beside you doesn’t notice how the fabric on the other side is lifted slightly.

you see taehyun turns his head as quickly as he could without bothering anyone, while you press his hand on your skin. his eyes widen as the glasses on his face fall. you can’t help but lean in as you chuckle at his subtle expression and push the frame up to its place before whispering into his ear, “keep looking forward. we don’t want anyone to notice, do we?”

“you want it?” he whispered, asking you as a small smirk grew on his face.

“yeah, you?” you bit your lip while waiting for his answer.

you felt his hand wiggle in your grip as he trails his fingertip down the edge of your underwear. “of course.”

the boy turns his head once again to the front as you followed his action, and also, your hand was bringing his to your clothed core. a small inhale coming from you as you help his fingertips make circles on the fabric.

“when the peahen have chosen the right mate. the peacock will do his little dance, gaining the attention of the peahen.” you see the peacock dance with his train.

your hand lets go of taehyun’s who is rubbing your clothed core, feeling the unrest building up down there. what you didn’t expect was for him to slide the underwear to one side as you can feel the air meeting your naked core beneath your skirt and the bandage on his hand contacted the surrounding skin—making you feel the roughness on it that creates chills running down your spine. your breath hitches as you look to the front, sensing two fingers of his moving up and down on your slit before one moves in between the lower lips to find your nub. when he founds it, your empty hand held his pointer finger, stopping him from moving as you can hear your heart beating so fast.

turning your head, you see taehyun looking towards you with something different in his eyes. not the admiration and determination he always gives, seeing it glance down to your skirt-covered lap before to your eyes again. with that slight gesture, you let his hand go as he rubs the clit he found. you were holding on to your breath so you can breathe out as stable as possible, but that weird yet satisfying feeling doesn’t make it better. nibbling your lower lips, you let taehyun play with you. your eyes are more aware of the surroundings so you can relieve your arousal with his help.

a breeze is blowing to your ear and you can’t help but move your head when you felt the tickle. his hand continues and alternates between the clit to rubbing up and down to the entrance, feeling the warmth relieve you of the coldness of the dampness. your head moves as you see his glasses frame near the side of your face, warm air on your ear.

“you are trouble, pixie.”

you tried to hide your surprise at hearing the nickname you haven’t heard since you move here. seulgi was someone who introduced you to the music colors that you listen to today. pixie is what she would like to describe, and by all means, your sisters also as she called the collective “the pixies“—not relating to the band, as she likes to joke. you remembered she define pixie as your and your sisters’ nickname because of how mischievous you are from the stories you told her of your and your sisters’ shenanigans. the coincidence of taehyun calling you that same nickname is jarring, and yet you felt another wave of arousal coming at it builds up.

and that is when you realize he knows. he knows you. your so-called threat to him you spoke before at his home is now crumbling right in front of both of your eyes. you thought it is enough. you thought you don’t deserve his attention. but he stays around, no matter how passive you are before you approached him.

there are so many things he won’t understand about you and your sisters as a collective. but there are so many things he is trying to understand about you.

and now he understood.

when the lights of the auditorium turn on, taehyun pulls his hand out of your underwear right as the teacher’s words are heard from the speakers. your hand tidies your skirt as you see taehyun looking at his pointer and middle finger, a slight gleam on his fingertips because of you. you both stayed in your seat to wait for everyone to go out of the room when you pivot to catch him took a slight lick on his middle finger only you both can look. when he pulled his finger out of his mouth, you didn’t hesitate to grab his pointer finger and also gave it what he did. tasting the slight tanginess that has come from you. taehyun’s gaze on you remains as the piercing aura coming from it slowly dissipates. as he knows understood you, you can’t help to want to understand him more.

“are you free after school? i don't know what to do with my sisters doing their after-school activities.”

you remembered that there was no gig in the usual places you go to. you are waiting to watch a new law and order spin-off that is airing tonight. so whilst you wait, isn’t it a great time to know the boy that you are genuinely intrigued by?

“not really. i have a boxing training session at a gym downtown.”

‘so that’s why he’s buff and wearing a bandage on his hand.’ your hearing is bustling with the sound of people conversing with each other as they walk on the carpeted floor on the main aisles. taehyun tilts his head to the side while fixing his glasses.

“i could go with you. if it’s okay,” you replied, not wanting to give up. yet, his enlarged eyes seem to make you think he didn’t expect that. you view as his eyes move between your own, to his bandaged hand which he just caresses you with, then back to your face but now lingers longer at your lips.

“sure. shall we?” he offers his hand as you accept, walking back to your classroom to grab your belongings.

on the bus, you sat in the two-seater with taehyun beside you. you used to ride the bus alone, standing by the priority seat as its unofficial defender, staring into the eyes of the people who is not in the priority category who sat there in a scrutinizing way, and even helping an elder or a woman with her baby to keep their seats empty. when you ride with your sisters, you all like to stand by the exit door as it gets easier to step off and not be left behind. so, it’s the first time you ever sit on the seat when taehyun brought you into the fairly empty bus.

outside the window, you look at the buildings moving in the opposite direction. a few of the signs of a cafe or a pub you have gone to watch a gig goes past you as the bus slows down near the stop where taehyun’s gym is supposed to be. his hand grip the strap of the bag when he stood up as you follow him, stepping down from the bus to walk a few meters. you both stood in front of a nondescript entrance between a corner store and a deli store where he guides you inside.

walking through a hallway with doors along the side, the space opens to a warehouse—the enormous space inside has two rings in the middle of the room, gym equipment placed on one side where there is a mirror wall and also a seating area resembling a smaller bleacher than the ones you see at school. by the looks of it, they have hosted many matches: banners about it with written years before 1999 are still hanging on the sides of the room. your eyes are not sticking to one thing, but you watch a pair training in the ring, a man and a woman with their proper sports attire.

“you can sit here.” taehyun brought you to the seating area, and he puts his backpack beside where you sat. you rub your sticky palm against your skirt as you gaze at the human bodies that if your mama’s here, she would, at once, cover your eyes. yet, when you see the muscles defined and the skin sticking to them, it fascinates you.

you didn’t realize when something is on your open palm on your lap. when you tilt your head down, you recognize a glasses with a thin frame, the lens is reflecting the shine coming from the exposed ceiling above you from the sun outside—the same shine that lights onto your anklet. your eyes squint. that means…

you looked up at the black-haired boy beside you as he rubs his hair before the side of his face, empty of his glasses. when you could finally his unobscured face, you observe how expressive his eyebrows are—combining it with his large eyes and nose.

he looks beautiful.

“i’m going to change clothes, alright?” your head lifts as he called to you. the way the sun shines on half of his face is making you look at him as something other than your classmate. almost like an actor in a movie you see with your sisters, a heartthrob that makes people could fall in love with him. yet, he’s not that. he’s more complex than that.

you give a small nod as he left to the hallway you went in from. the sound of rubber in contact with each other makes you turn towards the ring and observe the same man and a woman training. the woman is using the gloves to punch the flat surface of the man’s gloves: swinging from the side, from below, or straight at the torso. the light coming from above the ring shines a spotlight on them. you can see how defined their muscles are, like the deity sculptures you came across in one of the high-class parties your parents brought you and your sisters to. but, the marble carvings aren’t as dynamic as the way you look at them in real life. the human body is amazing; you thought.

your trance lasts for a while before it disappears as the two being in the ring stop their exercise. you study the man ruffling the hair of the woman before giving a small peck on her hair because of her smaller stature. your eyes gazed at the interaction, how they stare at each other with such adoration and seemingly push each other to be better, as exampled by the man helping her train. your eyes were on the woman as she approaches the other ring—a girl around her age at the side is warming her body up as she prepares to train. that’s when you picked up the man calling the name you recognized.

here he is. you spoke in your mind.

taehyun came from the other side of where you are; relaxed as he pass through the ropes. your eyes move to the pair on the ring when they wides as you realized taehyun has warmed up in shorts and a sleeveless grey shirt that is loose on his body, making you able to follow the ridges on his side, his muscles define but they have smoother parts to them. you still sense the weight on your palm as his glasses are still there. you gaze away from the boy to put it where he puts his bag beside you and you find his school uniform set folded beside his sweater, a t-shirt, and a towel. your eyes can’t wait to return to the ring when you can hear the wind being pierced as the gloves touch each other.

your neighbor is light on his feet, bouncing around the ring as his eyes give a certain gleam at the right time to make his move—like the one he shows back when your class did dodgeball. you once again fall back into a trance, but instead of focusing on the two people in the ring, you could only focus on one. watching him, you put your hand near your mouth, your fingers touching each other or your lips. sometimes it slips between the lips, letting you feel the calluses on your fingertips from your guitar playing. your teeth also didn’t fail in getting your body to rile up as you see taehyun spar, nipping your bottom lips as you see his body move.

though the sunlight isn’t as bright as before, the orange-hued spotlight gives a more fiery aspect to his exercise. your vision trails from the gloves on his hand along the expanse of his arm. the bulging of his biceps and triceps from each punch. that’s when you felt the dampness coming in between your legs, making you clench your thighs together again.

taehyun’s training flew by as you look at the man: his coach, stopping his stance and giving pats on the boy’s shoulders. his head sometimes turns towards where you’re sitting, but you guess it’s just his nerves signalling aches so it doesn’t stay in one place and moves to relieve it. you see them talking to each other before the man rattles taehyun’s body and they both nod their heads. taehyun gives a smile before stepping away from his coach and walking to your side of the ropes. his feet bounce after landing on the concrete floor from the raised ring.

he approaches you, biting the edge of his glove’s strap as he moves his hand to separate the velcro, and he does the same thing with the other glove as he let them fall out of his hands. the gloves land where his clothes are as he picks up the towel and cleans the sweat that is trailing down his arms.

“you must be bored,” he commented, your legs crossed with each other.

“not really. i learned a few new stuff while you train.” and i learned how great you look, you wanted to continue.

he lets out a small smirk as he rubs his hair and face with the towel, his face looking at the digital clock hanging by the hallway to show that the time is near sunset before he looks down at his shirt, “we should get you home.”

you followed his eyesight to the red lights before it trails back to taehyun, who reaches down to the end of his undershirt and pulled it up, making you pause every movement as you stare at his bare torso before he puts it on beside you: wiping the sweat that has formed on the skin with the towel. seeing the droplets of his sweat trailing down his defined abdomen muscles is breathtaking, obvious lines formed beneath his hips that are plunging to something underneath his shorts. you were so taken aback that you didn’t realize you were holding your breath until he put on his extra t-shirt before tying his burgundy sweater around his shoulders.

“taehyun.” your ears perked at his name being called to see the coach standing beside him, also cleaning himself up with a towel that is now hanging on his shoulder. “almost forgot your signature for the amateur tournament.” he gives out the clipboard to him. you see the boy putting on his glasses and signing on the piece of paper with the pen attached to the board. the coach gives out his farewell as taehyun zips up his backpack, all the unused clothes stuffed in the bag. you strap your own on your back as you walk to the hallway that leads you outside. you cough out from the chilly wind, feeling how dry your throat is, remembering the corner store beside it.

“can we buy something? i’m parched. maybe you too.” you turn around to face him as you walk backward, letting your backpack leaning against the door to push it. taehyun hurries and stabilizes the door before letting go as you both look at the stripe-patterned eave of the side of the corner store.

“of course.” he walks forward as you pivot your body and walk to the corner store where a few teenagers sit there on the table under the overhanging roof. your eyes gaze at them discreetly, seeing the boys and girls having fun together—a gloomy thought in your mind—as you heard the bell coming from the store’s door when taehyun pushes it open.

it is colder inside the store rather than outside, but your sweater helps you battle the sudden temperature change. both of you walk towards the beverage area where an entire wall full of fridges lines up. you stare at the various drinks available there as taehyun quickly grabs one that he wants before remaining at your side, shoulders touching each other's. coffee. tea. milk. yogurt. water. juice. your lips pouted as your mind wander on all the pros and cons of each beverage available, looking at the colorful packaging that has caught your sight, before picking up one from the shelf.

the breeze of the fridge meets your front as you pick up the drink. but when you turn around, you didn’t see taehyun.

your figure walks to peek at the six aisles in this corner store one by one from their entrance. maybe he might buy something to eat if he’s hungry after training. instant noodle is probably the best bet. yet, when you expect to find him standing by the savory foods, you found him in the sweets area, holding something in his hand.

“what you got there?” you asked. you thought it could surprise him as it did with your sisters, yet he turns his head gently, knowing that you’ll be searching for him.

he tilts his head as he lets you look at the packets. the packets with the name ring pop in two colors—red and blue—glimmer under the store’s ceiling light. you remember, when you were a child, your classmates ate this candy in class, recalling the rings that are too large on the fingers as they decorated all five of them—a dietary concern if you ask yourself right now. your nanny liked to give you all a discreet amount of sweets when she was alive because mama hated to buy sweets for the five of you. it got even worse when jiwoo got pretty addicted back then, resulting in her used to having a cavity in her tooth, making mama ban all sweets except for a limited amount of dark chocolate.

“which one do you like?” he asked, the way his glasses slid down his bridge, making you see how his eyes look with it and without it—even though only a small glimpse.

“what for?” you gnawed the inside of your cheek, letting out a small smirk.

“i noticed your sisters got a memento after their dates proposed to them for homecoming. though you’re the one that asked me first, not going to lie, i dislike seeing you without your own memento.” his words catch you by surprise as your eyes widen.

did he read your signal?

“i want to buy this for you. just as a reminder that you indeed have a date for homecoming.” taehyun answered so charmingly you felt his words trying to buckle your knees, but you hold your body well enough to not openly crumble in front of him; just that your own protection wall is crumbling for him. your hand hovers above his and you pinch the edge of the red packet, pulling it from his palm to grip it in your own. taehyun lets out a chuckle before putting the other ring pop into its place on the shelf as you both walk to the cash register. you said nothing when he pulls out his wallet and paid for all the stuff you bought. though if you want to pay him, you can’t. no pocket money, remember?

grabbing onto each of your purchases, you both walk out of the building to the bus stop as the dimming sunlight creates shadows that overhang the rest of the surrounding structures. the bus is nowhere to be seen when you both arrive and no one is at the bus stop as you both sit on the bench. you close the lid of the beverage you choose as it relieves your dry esophagus before hearing the scrunch of aluminum to your side. a glimpse of the plastic ring with a red candy at the top. your eyes glance at his hands that are meticulously opening the plastic wrap before he turns his body towards you. his backpack creates a sound from him moving while yours is leaning to your side on your other side.

“may i?” he questioned politely as you let out a giggle.

“you may,” you answered as he grab one of your hands in his, slowly sliding the ring candy on your middle finger. you discover how big the candy on the ring is as it covers vertically half of your pointer and ring finger. the dense, crystalized candy could reflect the light that is coming from the bulb above the two of you, making it glimmer the way a real diamond would.

“thank you, taehyun,” you replied. but, he hasn't let your hand go from him. that’s when he lifts the hand up and gives the candy a taste—reminiscent of what you had done to him in that auditorium that you thought was a long time ago. he envelopes the jewel-shaped candy in his mouth. a few seconds pass before letting it go, licking the bottom of his lip. in his eyes, you notice the teasing twinkle that you have seen jiwoo or hyejoo have. a payback for what you did in the room, still the feeling of his fingertips linger on your lips and on your lower part.

“great choice. it’s tasty.” your face hasn’t changed since his action as you gently pull the hand with the ring near your lips. giving it a light lick before fully focusing on the taste of strawberries that is more subtle than what you expected. your eyes glance at the ring before to taehyun, seeing the same demeanor on his face as what he gave to you in today’s last period. as you let your buds perceive the sweetness combined with a tinge of sourness, the boy reaches out to brush your hair away, tugging it behind your ears as best as he can.

you were looking elsewhere when you sense the warmth forming on your cheeks before it hovers—nearly touching—your cheek. with a piece of courage and confidence, you incline your head to face him as you feel his hand now cupping your cheek. his eyes look at yours before to your lips—you did exactly the same. slowly, you lean in closer, letting gravity lean you both forward as his forehead touches yours: your breath clashes with his.

your vision captured headlights when a silhouette of machinery comes into view with its grunting sound. you lean back from him as the bus arrives at the stop, seeing it crowded with people as you put on your backpack. taehyun followed you, slowly. when you climb onto the bus as a few people come out, you paused as you try to find any open space you can stand in before a hand reaches out to grab you. taehyun’s protruding veins are in your eyesight as he helps to guide you inside and found enough space for both of you. his hand reaches for the hanger on the top of the bus while you grab the pole near the exit in your free hand. it’s heavy when you tried to lift your held hand up, trying to give your ring pop another lick. when you see taehyun give you a squinting eye and slight pout that made you snicker. both of your hands tangled with each other the entire bus ride.

as the sun sets in your neighborhood, you walked on the pavement of your street, hand in hand. sometimes when you felt taehyun relax his hand, you move your tangled hand up with the ring pop and give it a lick as the solid sugary substance melts with the saliva; letting your buds savor the strawberry flavor once again. you view the neighborhood and the houses of the people who live around you, seeing a few kids riding their bicycles down the street. either they are waving at taehyun or gawking at you both before riding away. giggles erupt from your figure when you see their wide eyes, seeing their most obscured neighbor with a boy they know since they were little. you give taehyun a small look as he shrugs his shoulder, hearing the muffled jingling coming from your anklet that is resting above the sock you’re wearing as the streetlight helps it glow.

when you see the carpool of your house, it’s empty as it usually is. but, you let your eyes wander to the windows from across the street, the lights are on; your sisters are home. you turn towards taehyun, who stood with his house behind him. pouting your lips, you let out a small smile, reflecting on what happened today while glancing at the boy.

“thank you for today and uh… for allowing me to see you box.” taehyun’s chuckle is prominent before he slowly stops himself with a sheepish smile.

“thank you too. for going with me. i’ll have to scold kai for leaving me alone again.” his words earn a laugh from both of you and the tangled fingers slowly let go of one another. in the empty street of your neighborhood, you give a small wave to the boy before stepping onto the asphalt to your house in front of you.

and yet, there’s something you felt you’ve forgotten. and taehyun knows it too, as he still stood there on the pavement when you glance back at him over your shoulder. from the number of emotions you both have inflicted on each other and felt with each other, there is one that is so prominent you can’t help to not reveal it.

and so, you stride and captured taehyun’s cheeks in your hands before smashing your lips on his. both of your bodies stumbling with each other before taehyun’s hand stabilizes it, holding onto your love handles. the way your taehyun mimics your feverish way of kissing him is giving the right signal for you to move your hands to his nape, playing with the ends of his hair as he moves one of his hands to put underneath your jaw and chin. both of your lips trying to learn each other as best you can—feeling his tongue lightly brushes your bottom lip, both of you felt like you can’t breathe without each other.

taehyun lets out a gasp from the thrilling kiss as you let your lips travel to his jaw and trail down a bit to his neck and adam’s apple before he brought them back to his lips. kissing passionately as the sun sinks beneath the horizon and the purple now fills the sky fully. with the last push of yearning of your lips against his—letting the strawberry flavor melts on his buds as well, you both pulled away, seeing a light string of saliva connecting both pairs of lips. seeing his eyebrows frown and his glasses disarray from his place before you fixed it.

“good night.” you let him go before turning around and jogging to your house. looking one last time at him from across the street, though so little of his figure, you can see a smug smile on his face as he pivots his body to his house.

you climb up the stair hastily as you arrived at your room to open its door, seeing all four of your sisters who are doing homework on the floor. their eyesight turns towards you as you catch your breath and brush your lips with your finger. the realization of losing your first kiss and the haze of the desperation of love: for taehyun.

“where’ve you gone to, missy?” sooyoung gives a teasing remark while you hunch your body and pull down the straps of your backpack off your shoulders. the thud on the floor behind you combined with the lightness of the weight makes you let out a satisfying sigh. you nibble your bottom lip before letting out a smile, showing your hand with the candy ring.

“taehyun asked me to homecoming, and he gave me this.”

the amount of thumps on the floor is noticeable as you see your sisters clamber up from it to give you a wholesome hug, surrounding you with affection and care. jiwoo’s words cut through as she said, “we can show mama the evidence of our dates asking us and she’ll let us go.”

“hell yes,” sooyoung remarked as you all move back and link up your hands to create a circle before jumping around. the groans of the floor from all of your movements ring in your room, and downstairs too where no one is there to listen. when you feel the sweat on your face and back, your sisters stop and let go of each other. they’re giving hugs to one another before doing their own things with a smile on their faces.

while you picked your bag to put on the bed, you turn towards the window of the room that overviews the street. looking down at the house across from yours and to a specific window, a silhouette standing there with an orange ray behind him before he moves away.

-

“you like her, don’t you?”

taehyun straightened his pose from his hunched body, sweat falling down his skin. from his blurry vision without the glasses on his face, he could see a figure doing the same movement as his in front of him, lowering his gloved hands to the side of his body.

“what do you mean, coach?” the boy heaves as he takes in as much oxygen as possible. his heart is thumping in his chest from the spar.

“the girl you brought here.” the man said as taehyun takes a glimpse of you. your striped sweater and the shine of your anklet visible from the light coming from above him—marking where you sat in the dim side of the room.

“i’ve seen the look in your eyes.” the coach said as he lets out a small smile. he juts his head towards where you at, “the way you look at her,” before looking at the ring behind taehyun when he focuses on the rubber colliding and the movement of the two women he detects before doing his own training. “i look at my wife the same way.”

taehyun lets out a tight-lip smile before he felt hands on one of his shoulders—muffled sounds of velcro opening are muffled along with the other noises while he looks down. the coach stares at him when he slants his head, a certain expression in his eyes resembling the one that his father has when they talked about how proud of him they are; on how he would help his children.

“i can help you.”

taehyun lets out a huge breath as he faces the mirror in his room, fixing the collar of his shirt with the tie that he tied himself—taught by his old man. through the reflection, while he fixed his askew glasses, he can detect his boxy pc screen lighting up as a chime comes in from the chat room window he opens, seeing the colored usernames he has just familiarized himself. the words beside them were written with what they wanted to say.

he remembered he was the one that approaches all the moon sisters’ dates, you, and kai to create a chat room together to discuss the homecoming plan after that day he and you hung out outside school. thus, the “HC Dance“ chat room was born: discussion of the plan they have conducted between all the members. taehyun turns around from the mirror and walks towards the screen to examine the new message coming in.

22juyeon: heating the van. see u all @ taehyun’s home

the boy stares at the message from the newly-championed player from yesterday’s match. his hand moves to the mouse as he recalls the plan that has been put in place, the sound of the scrolling wheel against the finger that is rolling it. glancing at the side window with the members’ list, he sees all the members online, except for a certain “m00n12345“. it is near sunset when they agree to gather at taehyun’s house. he observes the windows of the house across from his, recalling how the timeline of events happened after the chat room was created.

sooyoung—as one of the five users that uses “m00n12345“—mentioned in the chat room how they have to bring one representative of the dates to help them convince their parents. at first, taehyun wants to volunteer before “dandyminnie“ wrote first in the chat room. seungmin is the right choice, he then reduces. he remembers you mention how chaewon was the most closed off of your siblings—not that he doesn’t notice. but when mentioning your mother’s proposal for all of you to get a date to go, chaewon will be the hardest to get a date for because of how she is. with seungmin being chaewon’s date, it helps convince your mother that 1. even chaewon can get a date. 2. a family friend is the one asking her. and 3. his diplomatic skill for being a council member helps in convincing the parents to let him vouch for the other dates as well.

dandyminnie: their parents said yes. they’re gonna have a curfew at 9.

the boy lets out a slight frown as m00n12345—that mention is hyejoo on the keyboard—replies in chat, “screw my parents :(“

as he walked out of his room to the empty hallways of his house, he kept thinking about that minuscule comment. both his parents are on a business trip while his sister is back at her college town, making taehyun have to tend to his own home for a few days. he didn’t mind it—already good enough at taking care of the home as he doesn’t do much in the other rooms except his. he puts the cans of soda he bought for the boys that are going to come any minute now—gyuri will stand by at school for jiwoo. kai was the first to come with seungmin and then sunwoo before the rumbling noise of juyeon’s van is heard as he parks it in the kang’s empty carpark.

crushing the can of soda he drank before throwing it in the bin, taehyun fixes his dress shoes and cuffs of his suit before nodding to the others. then, he leads the march towards the house across from his. he can feel his heart beating quicken as he approaches the pathway to the front door. even though he has known its presence and sees it every day, he has never gone to the moon’s home, only recalls that his mom has. he never stood as close to where they live as this, a knock away to see the interior.

juyeon moves to the front and lets his large hand knock on the wooden door in a precise rhythm. he didn’t expect to meet the patriarch opening the door, letting out a polite smile as seungmin—who stood on the other side of juyeon—greets the man. he gazes at the faces of the boys one by one while letting out a polite yet gracious smile before the sound of a woman you dreaded comes closer and closer, calling for her husband. when taehyun sees mrs. moon, she is wearing a thick robe on top of her home attire, looking luxurious as if she has come back from a spa day. the matriarch looks at each of them, gazing a little longer at both seungmin and taehyun: the ones she has met already.

“come and wait inside. they’re going to come down in a few minutes.” the woman said in a poised voice as both adults retreat from the door frame, letting their entrance space open to allow them inside. not wanting to stain their exotic-looking rug, taehyun steps carefully as he admires the inside of the house. it is as if he was stepping into the wrong time frame, seeing the ornate-looking furniture decorating the entrance which contrasts the more angular-looking furniture he has in his home. before the hallway diverts to multiple rooms, a large frame hangs on one wall beside the stairs. counting the people in it, he sees the moon’s family portrait. well, more like painting as he can see the texture on the surface of the canvas. but, all the people in it are younger.

the parents stood side by side in the middle as two daughters stood on each end. the rest of the three daughters is sitting on a fancy-looking sofa. when looking at the bottom corner of the canvas, he can learn the year it was finished.

1990.

taehyun tried to suppress his smile as he looks at each of the daughters of the moon. each of them has a facial expression that just exudes them. sooyoung stood with her height above her mother’s shoulder and a proud smile on her face while jiwoo stood above her father’s elbow and a grin on her face. his eyes look down at the similarly dressed triplets on the sofa. chaewon has a pout on her face, which contrasts with hyejoo who has a subtle frown, and there was you: sitting in the middle of the two with a small smile on your face. he let his eyes stay on younger you longer, recognizing the way your face matures as you grow up nine years later. yet, he felt chills when he looks into your eyes, seeing the familiar gaze and crack before, albeit softer—much like what your age was supposed to be at that time.

he turns his head when he picked up the creaks from the floor above. shadows coming closer before all five figures stand by the stairs. the sisters all seem to wear similar-looking dresses to differing lengths, only chaewon having a slightly puffy sleeve for her white dress while hyejoo’s has a sleeve that is the length of the upper arm of her silver dress. sooyoung wears elbow-length gloves that match her maroon dress—with a gold necklace to add the glow—and jiwoo has a shawl hanging on her hands of her pink gown. your black dress seems to be the base of your sister’s base, spaghetti strap, square-shaped at the torso, and fits onto your body until it flows down to your ankle—differs from sooyoung’s whose end sticks to her claves or jiwoo and chaewon who has a larger circumference for the lower body.

taehyun recognizes those dresses as he has seen his sister wear them before for her school dances. almost similar to the ones his mom and his sister bought in a store at the mall. but based on appearance alone, he can tell that the dresses are expensive, and he can’t help to glance at who is the stylist for them: their mother with a smile on her face. a rarity that even the sisters could notice. as each sister landed on the ground floor, he didn’t forget to notice the anklet on each of their right legs before their high heels. all of them stood in front of their respective dates as sooyoung turned to their parents. you give a winsome smile at him before turning your head when they heard sobs by the stairs.

all of the sisters stare to see their father looking at them before wiping his nose with his napkin as the mother confronts her husband in whispers. she turns around and lets out a small and performative smile. “remember the curfew.”

“we do, mama.” sooyoung replied as taehyun looked to see you staring longly at your father calming himself down. when your gaze met him, you give a small shrug with your head, a somber look in your eyes.

the moon sisters and the boys said their goodbyes as you walked across the street to the van. taehyun slightly looks back to notice that the front door hasn’t closed yet and when two figures stood by before one is left, recognizing the father by the doorframe. he sat beside you who sat beside jiwoo, while kai sat on the other side of him in the van's backseat. your sisters and their dates scramble into the places as sooyoung handles the placement—like the oldest sister that she is. she then sits in the front seat with juyeon in the driver’s seat, and the rest sits in the middle.

when the van goes backwards from the carpark, he sees you and jiwoo looking outside the window to see your father going back inside the room and closing the front door. the radio plays a britney spears song as the van drives as the sun has set on the horizon to school. they made small conversations in between the ride and songs playing from the speakers before hyejoo is the one that gave a certain relevant comment.

“did pop really cry?” her eyes peer around between the sisters that sit around her.

“i couldn’t believe it, but yes, he did.” sooyoung answered from the front.

“why, though?” jiwoo bounces and voices out.

“i really don’t know…” sooyoung replied.

the people inside the van then move on from the subject as taehyun witnesses sunwoo and hyejoo bickering in their seats, annoying chaewon who stares at them calmly while leaning more against seungmin. kai has spoken a few times directly to his ear that he has to tap his best friend’s thigh to remind him to speak with less volume, not that jiwoo’s jokes didn’t get the whole van to erupt suddenly and he heard his friend’s signature laugh beside him.

taehyun felt light touches on his dress pants as he looks down to the other side and at your gown-covered thigh before he saw your fingers trailing along his thigh like how his mom used to teach him how the spider crawl up in itsy-bitsy spider. he follows your fingers as they found his hand, flipping it over, and interlocks them with his fingers. he turns his head to your face to catch a mischievous look in your eyes before he looked at your other hand reaching to his face.

“what are you-“

“just relax, taehyun.” others singing a backstreet boys song that is playing on the radio muffled your voice, yet he hears it. he senses the frame of his glasses moving on his earlobe as you nuzzle it away to repair his bangs that have fallen on his forehead.

“can i try your glasses?” you asked as taehyun’s other hand reached for the glasses and pull them off. his other hand lets go of your hand as he steadies the glasses near your face.

“you’re going to be dizzy when wearing it.” he sees you nod to his reminder whilst closing your eyes. your lashes land perfectly as he pushes the glasses on between your earlobes. when taehyun lets the glasses sit on your nose, your eyes open and squint—earning a giggle from him.

“wow, this is weird…” you commented and shook your head lightly from the dizzying feeling he had with his glasses before letting his eyes adjust to it. while he thought you were going to let it off as soon as possible, he sees you tapping your sister’s arm beside you as you ask her how you appear with glasses on. jiwoo’s chuckles filled the air as taehyun can peek—from the corner of his eyes—kai’s subtle eyebrow raised and a smile on his face, making him roll his eyes at his friend.

taehyun was glad he was nearsighted. he can focus on the smile on your face with his glasses decorating it.

as the van parks in the school’s parking lot, the people clamber out of the vehicle as best as they can without ruining their outfits. in the distance, a girl walks toward the passenger as jiwoo fast-walk to her. taehyun fixes his glasses on him as he can now see how jiwoo is hugging gyuri before they turn to look at the others and gesture for them to come. taehyun looks at the other students that are coming from their respective vehicles towards the entrance. sooyoung’s shoulder is wrapped with juyeon’s arm as they greeted his teammates while celebrating their victory. both sunwoo and hyejoo approach their football teammates with them hollering at the unlikely couple teasingly. seungmin and chaewon approach you to inform you they’re going to be walking to the indoor court with jiwoo and gyuri. only taehyun, kai, and you are left.

“i feel like such a third wheel right now. i’m going to catch my club friends, okay?” kai said as he pats taehyun’s shoulder and give a smile towards you which you follow. the spring on kai’s stride left the two of you as you both stare at each other, nudging towards the building as he lets you hook your arm in his before walking to it.

the room is full of balloons littering the floor and confetti hanging on the ceiling that glimmers from the lights. the way the indoor court is now just a sea of people gathering makes taehyun feel slightly claustrophobic, but he can see the moon sisters there scattered throughout the room with their respective club members or other friends as he stood with you, grabbing the syrup with fruit in them to drink. as they both stand by the sideline together, side by side, he cannot comprehend the loneliness you must be going through that he also recognizes within himself. out of all the sisters, you were the one that doesn’t have many friends outside of your siblings. maybe it’s because of your decision to not join a school club like him or people’s perception about you that made them stay away. you never talked to him much about close friends, not even mentioning the seulgi that gave you the cd mix.

“how is it?” he genuinely asked as you both stare at the crowded dance floor, letting him take a glance at you as you nod your head while expressing a small smile.

“i can understand why we teenagers like this. but the music kinda bores me, though.” you let out a chuckle. he recalls your music taste based on the artists he remembered you listen to and let out a small chuckle himself.

“that’s what i thought, back in my first year when i went to one. but since my curiosity is satiated, i never guessed i’ll be here again,” he spoke as you give a tight-lip smile. you tug taehyun’s hand, asking only with eye contact as you glance at the snack area before he gives a nod. as you walked past, he notices people looking towards both of you before whispers enter his ears.

“who is that with moon (y/n)?”

“bro is lucky she got to be with her.”

“kang taehyun and moon (y/n) is the most unlikely couple i ever predicted.”

“didn’t she just break up with that nicholas guy?”

“i thought she still was with sunghoon…”

“i wish she goes with me.”

he shook the words away as you both grab a plate by the buffet table, hearing you grunt out at the food you ate with a look of satisfaction before you stare at him with your cheeks full—making him giggle. should he be insecure to have you as a date? no. he should’ve been proud. but he didn’t expect it to be one topic people converse about tonight. is that why you like to be away from people?

when the mc stood on stage to announce the homecoming king and queen, he remembered he didn’t vote for it because he has to go to the gym. you stood beside him near the tables as you face the stage. the mc plays a drumroll and said the winner when he can see the shock on his face reflected on yours. you both looking at each other when the resounding voice of your oldest sister is called homecoming queen. as they both look towards the stage, he can sense you whispering in his ear.

“i didn’t even know she got nominated.” his eyes glance at you beside him before looking at your sister’s astonished expression.

“i don’t think she knows it either,” he replied as you lean away before a smile bloomed on your face, yet it still looks restrained. he listens to the clapping and cheering before he heard some comments around him.

“i voted for jiwoo, but i’m glad to see her sister won.”

“well, i voted for (y/n) ‘cause look how hot she is. her sister is also hot. they really captured the people’s hearts fast, don’t they?”

they did indeed, taehyun silently answered to himself. he peeks at the jock crowd as they cheer when the spotlight landed on juyeon, the mc holding onto the other crown as sooyoung looks at him with a gleam on her face. taehyun looks towards you to spot you clapping your hands and cup around your mouth, letting you let out cheers for them.

“she deserves it!” he sees you smile as your oldest sister and her date step down onto the dance floor to have their dance. sooyoung turns towards you and gives you a wave with the widest smile taehyun has ever seen on her.

the lighting of the room changes to a warmer tone as “kiss me“ by sixpence none the richer play from the speakers. the people with their partners are walking to the dance floor when he felt a tug on his sleeve. with a smile reserved just for him, you said, “may i have this dance, sir?”

taehyun lets out a giggle as he replied after giving a gentle kiss to your hand, “of course, my lady.”

you brought him to the floor. your hands directly found their place on his nape while he awkwardly holds onto your waist. your movement leading the dance as he follows. by the way you move, he suspects you have danced before, especially in a setting like this.

under the decorations, the lights that shine on it refracted to your face, resembling the stars he has seen before in the night sky. the stars and their moon stand before him as he can catch a twinkle in your eyes. you let your head move all over the dance floor as you greeted your sisters that are also dancing there. sooyoung and juyeon have a spotlight on them as the light makes their crown shimmer. jiwoo and gyuri playfully dance on the floor in a ballroom style; the same as seungmin and chaewon, but they’re slower and closer to each other. sunwoo and hyejoo dance in the same stances as you and the boy, but they focus on tickling each other’s bodies. his eyes linger too long on their playful interaction before he brought back to you, turning his head with your hand on his jaw.

“eyes on me, handsome,” you stated with a smirk on your face. your eyes that haunt him before now excite him as they glimmer more when meeting his. taehyun can’t help to lean his head closer to you, resting his forehead on yours as you both continue to glide on the dance floor. he felt your hand holding him tighter in your hold as your smirk turns into a warm smile, making his move his hands to your back as they pushed you closer to him: seeing your eyes close as you enjoy the moment you both are in. it opens to let him see a sly look combines with the expression you had when you were daydreaming, a dull stare almost numbing. your eyes sometimes glance away toward the doors of the indoor court.

he knows how he could help you.

he took you away into the dark night street as you rode the bus. taehyun didn’t regret bringing his wallet with him as he helped pay all the payments, that includes the food you bought when you both buy a set of it from a fast-food restaurant. the room was empty except for the few employees that are cleaning the place up to close for the day. your groan from eating delicious food wavers in the air as you stare at him full of glee. how your elegant-looking black dress and his suit-and-tie combo are out of place in the colorful restaurant booth. how you both cackled at a story he told you that you accidentally throw the fries you were holding in your hand to him—silently glad it’s not the ice cream that you also bought. taehyun seemed pleased as he sees how you enjoy the food he recommends, knowing the limitation you have said to him about what you eat in your household. he wishes he could bring you to more places to show you what the world offers.

both of you stayed in the restaurant until the employee that serves you is going to close the restaurant doors for today. when you told the employee how well they do their work, taehyun see how the employee was silently awed by your comment before they went their separate ways from both of you. you and taehyun sit at the bus stop as comfortably as possible as you both waited for the bus to arrive under the starry sky. when he peeks at you, you turn his head to face yours before leaning and kissing him—the first kiss tonight. you gave multiple kisses of various lengths as your touch lingers on his skin, the way your thumb holds his chin still as you both lightly make out in the raven night; creating the thrill he hasn’t had since the first time you both kissed.

the air-conditioned bus creates a sheet of dew that sticks onto the window. both of you are sitting on one of the empty seats in the bus when your pointer finger reaches for the moisture, making a “hello!“ large enough for him to read. he lets out a giggle as he leans in to kiss your temple before you shriek, making him smile widely. you give him a peck on his cheek before your eyes widen as your hand caresses it.

“didn’t notice these dimples here.” your fingertips caress the slight dent in both of his cheeks before one rises to his glasses and push the frame up. the fog from the kiss slowly fades away. he never really thought his dimples were something special, as much more people around him have much more attractive dimples than he has. but, if it is you that likes it, then he must wear it more if he could.

you both walk on the pavement of your neighborhood, reminiscent of when you followed him to the gym and the day he lost his firsts with you. the first time kissing someone and the first time teasing someone down there. yet, the difference is clear as you walk side by side with you walking barefooted, the ends of your heels dangle on your fingers from how tired your calves are. the streetlights create a magical nuance on the night as you walk home, a few puddles of water on the asphalt road makes the street more alive.

when you both arrived at the location of your houses, both of your heads turn towards your house—the upstairs window he remembers you point out still hasn’t had its lights on. the realization it got to you makes you shift your head to face him, a glint in your eyes as the corner of your lips twitches up.

“they’re not home yet. so, i hope i haven’t passed curfew yet.” you said as you gnaw the inside of your cheek, looking at the house behind him before back to him. “since you mention your parents aren’t home, can i come to your house?”

the way you look at him lingers with a familiar tension he once experienced before with you. that fateful day that stayed in a separate storage of his memories. your eyes exude the burn that also comes from the touch of your hand on his in that dark auditorium, letting him touch your thigh and your private part, remembering how wet it is.

lust.

and with the hardening of his own private parts, he thought this moment would never come. and he never thought it will come with you involved.

as you dropped your heels behind the front door with taehyun pulling off his shoes, you approach him and cling to him with your lips. the feverish quality of the kiss you both had comes back with more heat yet gentle touches of it appearing. your hands drop to the button of his suit and let them go as taehyun held onto your body, trailing it down to your thigh. you gasp when leaning back, staring at taehyun who gives you a signal before he grabs your empty hand and leads you to his room. though no lights in his room are on, the streetlight and moonlight from the outside combine to give a perfect aura to the yearning you both have for each other.

he never believes he could see you standing inside his room after he closes the door. the boy looks at how your head moves to memorize the room, seeing the bench for his bench press and the weights leaning on the wall. the pc’s buzz filled the room as the cpu runs underneath his desk, cluttered items are everywhere unlike his very tidy wardrobe. your gown shines from the light coming from the small glimpse of the sheer curtain behind his actual one. shining at you and for you.

taehyun walks up behind you and rests his head on your exposed shoulder, letting his plump lips kiss the skin as he can hear your breath flatter. his arms wrapped to your front and rested on your stomach. the lingering touch of his lips trails up to your earlobe, the teasing he has noticeably done to you ever since that day. yes, he feels it too. he also does not want to tease, but you’ve been the one that sticks in his mind for a month and more. he wants to be that same thing for you.

“i forgot to tell you how beautiful you are tonight.” he can see how your facial muscles contort from that comment and how your hands reach to hold his. your head leans away from him as he kisses your clavicle before he turns you around. cupping your cheeks, he perceives how warm they have become while you gently pull his glasses off of him, closing the temples up before tucking them inside his suit pocket. taehyun held his breath to breathe as slowly as possible when your fingertips touched the bridge of his nose, trailing down until it falls off.

“i say the same about you. though i’ve called you “handsome” before at the dance." you steadily say as your hands now rested on his chest. taehyun feels a slight pressure on it, hearing his heartbeat clearer. the hands slip inside the suit as you push them away, letting it fall off his shoulders to the ground behind him. his chest rises and falls in a steady beat as he glances at one of your hands that is trailing down his arm. the same pressure appears again as you seemingly scan his body with your touch. your hands gather on the cuffs and unbutton them one by one.

taehyun watches how your hand lingers around his heart as you follow how his chest rises and falls. no spoken words between the two as you learn about him. he knows he will do the same to you later.

your hand reaches his tie as you pull it, not too hard to let his body stumble, but right enough for the tie to untangle. his brows raised in surprise when you take the tie from his collar and let it fall to the floor before your fingers reached for the button of his white shirt. as it opens, he sees you're taken aback by the appearance of his undershirt before taehyun shoves the shirt to the floor and pulls off his socks. then, he pushes the layers of clothing he used near his wardrobe—hoping his glasses will be alright.

“why do you have so many layers?” he overheard you whine when turning around to face you again, giggles leaving both you and him.

“i didn't know we would do it. believe me, if you say it before, i would wear less.” he strides to stand in front of you once again, grasping your hands in his before putting them on his abdomen.

“but i like a surprise,” he mumbles as your palm moves on his cloth-covered abs. though it isn’t as prominent as his coach—who he has seen before in the locker room—he is proud of how bulked up he is. especially with the sport he plays. taehyun looks down to see you pull the tuck undershirt from his pants. you might touch a slight bump if you move lower. yet, in this case, you focus on his torso first, already feeling your cold touches on the skin beneath the undershirt. and so you slowly lift it. taehyun’s arms raise to help you as it leaves his hand.

“wow.” he could hear you remark quietly, making him bite his lower lip at the sheer appearance of his bare torso to you. the glimmer in your eyes comes back once again as you admire his body. your hands and eyesight are all over his skin as you let them trail down his muscles as taehyun can only stand there to not let your trance on him disappear. he felt like he was the statue he saw in an art museum he visited. the difference is the ropes around it or the pedestal it stood on are nowhere to be seen, making guests can touch how intricate the carvings of the marble are. another difference is he only allows him to touch him like this.

“how long have you boxed?” you questioned as you close your body with his, letting him wrap his hands around you.

“since i was very young. i tried many sports before it but boxing is the one that matches me.” he tilts his head and the bangs of his hair flail from the movement.

“i can’t imagine how much training you have done to have a body like this…” your words trail off. then he senses a prominent tug on his pants, letting out a slight smirk.

“you couldn’t wait, huh?”

“i want to see more of you.” you quickly answered back.

stepping back from your embrace, he takes off his belt and throws it gently to the floor before he opens the zip of his dress pants. the bulge is clear as he accidentally caresses it, sending shivers down his spine. he never had his cock this hard before, even with the porn magazines he got introduced to from the older boys he met through the boxing club and when he first jack off. but, it’s different if it’s the real thing.

taehyun murmurs out a small “thank you” in his mind for himself for wearing a nice pair of boxers tonight. he senses your burning gaze as he pushes his pants down, exposing his leg and the lower part of his thighs as his boxers cling to his pelvis. his clear bulge makes him lick his lips as he stares at you—admiring what you are presented by.

“it’s your turn,” he spoke out. your eyes rising to meet his as he met with your less-layered outfit.

taehyun steps forward and embraces you like before. both of you breathing the same air—feeling your breath on his skin—before he reaches behind you. his hand founds the zipper on your dress and you flinch from the sudden sound as he opens it.

“you okay?” then his concern answered with a hum from you.

you gasp lightly when his palm meets the skin of your spine. like you do before, he lets a fingertip trail up your spine. goosebumps show up on your forearms as he heard you inhale. the finger met the ends of a bra before he lean back to see you looking at him with more desire. he kisses your forehead as he pulls off the straps of your dress. taehyun follows the upper end of your dress as he pulls it down, seeing the black strapless bra you’re wearing as he gives a kiss above it. he pulls it down to your stomach when the line of your underwear is peeking, giving a small kiss below your belly button.

when meeting your underwear, he realized you are not prepared either. he usually thought that for sex, both partners wear the best undergarments they have. but he didn’t meet any silk underwear as he predicted from the porn magazine he viewed. instead, he met with a regular brief. with that, he knows that what both of you are feeling isn’t something that one of you intended to do today. but it comes from the growth of one’s relationship.

the dress falls to your knees and his eyes meet your thighs, his eyes enlarged in concern. marks decorated your thighs and as he perks up to you, you catch him before you turn away. the marks that decorated your skin looks too unnatural to be a birthmark or freckles, all have a similar shape with varying shades as they fade near to the color of your skin.

“what are these?” he gazes between looking at you and the marks, kneeling on his carpeted floor. your eyes still facing away as your expression changes. taehyun sees you compose yourself, swallowing your saliva before you answered his questions.

“cigarette burns.”

if you were looking at him, you could see how his eyebrows furrowed at your answer. a scowl formed on his face before he replied, “did someone do this to you?”

“no!” your reply was instant. “i did it to myself.” you turn your head to face him, a glistening streak falling down your cheeks as you brush it off.

“this is what i meant when i said you won’t understand about us.” you reached for his shoulders to hold on, trying to not tumble yourself down. “we’re broken, taehyun. my sisters and i are broken human beings.” your vision glances at his hand on your thighs, resting right underneath the fading marks. “That is how i deal with pain. my sisters have done various other things comfortable for them but it also leaves a mark on their skins. this how i cope.”

taehyun can’t help but hold you tighter in his hands as you peer down at him. the sentences you tell helped him complete more of the puzzles that are you and your sisters. how the bandage around chaewon’s wrists now makes sense—now covered by the bracelets that were already in place to cover the bandage up—to cover the scar from her attempt to cope with the pain. when you mention how each and every of the moon sisters has a mark like chaewon, he is disappointed not to notice them, and yours were even harder as you are trying to hide from yourself.

he tugs the dress down to the carpet and drifts your foot one by one from it. that’s when he finally sees the anklet with a closer look, the silver band with two charms hooked on it: a crescent moon and a star.

the understanding of what the crescent moon means comes to him fast, but the star is the one that caught his attention. when he thinks of a star, he thought of the many dots he saw when you both walk down the pavement in the night—all of them are watching both of you connecting. but a star is also a sun, the same sun that lets its shine beam on you in the classroom every time he went inside.

your hands clasped his shoulders before they let go when he was too far to reach. he hears you gasp as he lifts your right leg and gives the skin above the anklet a kiss before continuing upwards.

“you are a star.” he started, kissing up your calves and knees to rest in front of your thighs full of burn marks. “every star has a cycle. and when their cycle ended, they cause a supernova.” holding the back of your thighs with his hands, he gives a squeeze.

“the most beautiful thing a human eye could see is the results of the supernova.”

“either a nebula or a black hole.” you filled his sentence. he hums.

“two different outcomes with two different repercussions.” he stares up at you. “though, in that case, you might see yourself as a black hole.” taehyun gives a light kiss on one of your marks, “i see you as a nebula that could create a new star.”

he continues to kiss every burn mark he can reach from where he kneeled. looking up to see you face the ceiling, he listens to a few out-of-place sniffles that are still there. yet, he listens to you sighing, letting out your weight bit by bit. he gives one last kiss to your underwear.

“what i wanted to say is,” he slowly stands up and cups your cheeks, brushing away stray tears that have fallen as your eyes glisten more because of the moisture. “no matter how are you, you are always beautiful to me.” he gives you a long kiss on the lips before pulling it off, to see you with your eyes still closed. when it opens, he could see the sadness being pushed back as you cup his face too and pull him to you, letting you taste his lips again.

he can feel the exploding emotions coming from you as it triggers his as well. the way his lips nibble your bottom lip earns a whimper from you before you let your mouth open up, letting his tongue enter to meet yours. your hands traced down his body as he let your lips go before trailing down your cheek, to your jaw and neck, before landing above your breasts.

“can i touch them?” he asked, feeling a tad bit shy.

“yes, you can.” you nod as you bite your lips where his hand reaches to cup one of them, feeling them up and knowing how soft yet sturdy they are.

your hands reach behind you to let the hook of the bra off, letting taehyun feel how the fabric loosens in his touch. carefully, he pulled the cups off as he sees your breasts. his lips travel closer to her areola as you moan lightly, the sensitive skin meeting his exhale causing it to erect. he lets out a hum before taking one nipple, softly kissing it, and giving a slight suck while caressing the other. your hands tangled in his hair as you hold him close. small whimpers coming out from you as taehyun closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling of being wanted by you.

when he pulls back, your hand holds onto one of his as you brought both of you to his bed. you stood between the two, seeing how the edge of the bed touches the back of your legs. you give him a lingering kiss before tracing down to his collarbones. taehyun hiss as not only do you pucker your lips at it, you also give a few sucks on the area. he sees your head moving down to his pectorals with hooded eyes, feeling a tickle as you do the same to him—playing with his nipple and kissing the muscles he has done so much to tone. he couldn’t help but think you are marking him. you are leaving evidence that you have touched him more than other people have.

the bed springs’ noise piqued the boy’s ears as his eyelid fluttered to see you sitting on the mattress, your hands pushing him close from his lower back. he can sense your tongue tracing the faint lines on his abdomen before moving downwards, looking down to glance at your nose grazing his cock before moving back. you glance up at him, hands on the rubber band on the boxers.

“can i?”

“y-yes.” taehyun shivers.

the air of his room flushes onto the newly exposed skin as your eyebrows rose at how stiff his cock is. taehyun wanted to face away from the pleasure, but when he’s seeing you try to touch him, he guides you.

“slowly…” he mumbles when he noticed the lingers of your touch, making the blood rush more towards his lower part. his jaw drops when your thumb touches his slit. the pre-cum he made compliments how cool your touch is as it spread. taehyun looks down when you are trying to wrap your hand around him, giving an experimental stroke that felt different from when he masturbates. his eyebrows frown when your wet tongue touches the head, a gasp coming from him before you give a kiss on it. his hand holds your jaw, thumb caressing your cheekbone, while you let your tongue lick along his cock until the base as you tease his balls—more like discovering it and trying to see what they are.

the way your eye-lined eyes stare up at him, he sees the mark of your tears as it stains the color of your skin. your eyes look beautiful even though they’re puffy. he guides you back to the head of his cock, letting you do things to him that could only turn him on. you widen your mouth and let his head in. your lips wrap around it before it slowly goes out. then you continue to take him deeper, one hand still around his shaft while the other is holding him close by his ass cheek. you form a rhythm he enjoys: sucking gently, a few strokes with your hand before you let him slump. your cheeks narrow to suck him off best as he can, letting your tongue wet him up while grazes from your teeth making him hiss—which you seem to notice and tried to not let them touch him as much.

taehyun stares at the ceiling as he gasps for breath while you’ve been taking so much from him. he caresses your hair when you moved your head while sucking him, reminding him of when he jacked off to the magazine. and you went faster, your stroke getting rapid, and you do even more when he moaned your name, eyes staring at yours, looking at him as you take him in. he panicked when he heard you gag and pulled himself out at once, holding your face in his hands. as you gasp for air, he could see drools trailing down the corners of your lips, a streak of eyeliner now appearing from your smudge eyes as he brushes the stray tears away.

“are you okay?” he asked as your fluttering eyelids returns to him.

“yeah, i hope you like it…”

fuck, he is more than liking it.

“can you go to the pillow? i wanna return the favor.” taehyun confidently says as he sees you nod, crawling to the head of the bed as you lay on his pillows. the mattress dips as he moves to hover above you, leaning down to give you a passionate kiss, tasting something different on his buds before realizing it is from him. the single bed is small now for two people, but he likes how close it makes him feel to you.

your lips bite his bottom lip when two of his fingers reach your clothed core, feeling it wet like the last time he touched it. your head moves to see the space between the two of you—seeing how his hand is closer to where you want him, but not enough. taehyun sees the eagerness in your eyes as you take off your underwear, letting taehyun take the rest off of your feet and throw it with your dress. his hand moves to caress your legs as he lets his nose tip trace the skin up to your core. his body move to be in between your legs as his face arrived in your inner thighs, the two fingers rubbing on your clit while he gaze at the opening. giving the marks on your thighs kisses, he then replaces the fingers on the clit with his tongue while the fingers move to your lower lips. taehyun heard your body shifts on the mattress as you pant his name. his eyes look up to see you adoringly gazing at him. your hand reaches for his dark locks as he licks and kisses your clit while a fingertip plays around your hole before pushing in one.

“taehyun…” you gasp and he closes his eyes to let his senses savor you. him tasting you, how you clench his finger in, and your hand tugging on his hair. he let himself enjoy you before adding another finger inside, hearing a whine coming from you as he opens you up. he moves his head away as he looks at your writhing body on his bed. your thumb moves to his lip as he gives it a suck. while he pushes inside of you with his fingers, he let his kisses focus more on the marks that litter your thighs. taehyun hopes with it, he can help in clearing your head of those thoughts and their traces. he hopes that by the end, he could be an anchor to help you overcome your problems and insecurity.

the grip on his hair tightens more when he exchanged the fingers for his tongue, tasting you more clearly than the wetness staining everything around your slit. he hums as he tastes you, sending shivers around your body that are signaled by the tug from your hand. after moments upon moments of him enjoying you, he pulls away to the sound of you whining. he chuckles at your expression while licking his lips, seeing you pout adorably at him before he smooches the pouty lips. that’s when he met your tongue prodding his lips as he lets you taste yourself as he did with himself before.

“are you ready?” he asked as his eyes focus on you as everything around him blurs out.

“ready.” that’s what makes him turn to his bedside table and open the drawer. he sees the box of condoms his coach bought for him.

“treat her like how you want to be treated. go slowly.” his coach told him as he places the box inside his bag.

taehyun pulls out one packet from the box as he sees you sit up on the mattress, silently nodding as you seem to communicate with yourself. he pulls the condom from the ripped packet when your hand grabs his.

“i learn this from sex ed class…” you murmured as you place the condom right at the head of his cock before rolling it onto his shaft. the rubber on his skin feels strange before you stroke him while fixing the condom. before he hovers above you once again, you spit on your palm and rub them on his covered cock as carefully as possible, he perceives the warmth of your palm against him.

you brought your heels down on the mattress when you lay down, caging him in between your legs. taehyun grabs onto his member when he leans closer to you, eyes conflicting between looking at how you react and finding the hole he has prepared for. your hands stabilizing yourself as you also want to see how it’s done.

“it’s your first time?” you asked him.

“yeah, you?”

“mine too.”

one of your hands reaches down to his as his tip lodges into the hole, hearing your light gasp from the contact. then, he pushes the tip in as slow as he can, eyes noticing your figure laying on his bed. biting your lips and seeing his concerned face, you give a nod at him while glancing downwards.

his palms move to either side of your body as he pushes in and his jaw drops from how tight the grip is. his head drops near yours as he gives kisses along your face before you turn yours to let him meet your lips. the tongues battle one another as the sudden yet small movement makes moans come out from both of you. he cups your cheek when he pulls away.

“you want me to continue?” he questioned as you tried your best to look at how both of your bodies connected, his pelvis nearly meeting yours.

“yes. go all in, taehyun,” you said as you nod your head. the way your hair sprawled on his pillow will always be ingrained in his mind.

the boy’s hands reach for both of your hands as he puts them beside your head and hair. his body leans down and he pushes himself in until the skin of his pelvis meets yours. you clenching your thigh before you lift your legs to wrap them behind him. taehyun gives a long and passionate kiss as he moves slowly, feeling how his cock pulls out and pushes into you.

with the way you react, furrowed eyebrows, and small moans, he tried to not be fast as he does when jacking off. but when your eyes open—all of your attention to him—he sees you licking your lips as the way you clench around him relaxes, letting him slide in and then out. he groaned when your legs pushed into his back, feeling the cold touch of your anklet. one of your hands moves out from his grasp before finding its place on his shoulder.

“can you do more? you feel so fucking good.” your remarks send shivers down his spine as he kisses you, letting your moans and groans swallow each other’s as he moves more. he let himself experiment, from making his thrust faster in pace and letting his cock almost slip out from you, or he moves slower but deeper as he pushes in to make you full. your tight hole now forming to fit him.

“fuck! you’re so tight just for me.” he heard you hum before you grab his nape and brought him down, smashing your lips as your hands moves down his back. the way your nails move on and how he can sense the roughness of your calluses touching his skin. his hands reach for the ankles near his butt and separate them before pushing them near your upper body.

“YES!” you exclaimed. “you, you’re deeper in me. so deep.” you moan out as your walls tighten around him once again from the new position. his lips suck your collarbone as he thrusts in and out of you. your pelvis also moves to meet him.

it went on for minutes before he noticed how tired his arm is holding your legs up and how sore it must be for you. your moans still fill the room when he whispered into your ear, “do you want to be on top?”

your hands reach to cup his face, and the way your eyeliner and eye makeup is smudged around your eyes turns him on as you nodded at him, a smile forming on your face.

“hold on tight,” he said before he wraps his arms around your body and flips both of you around. his muscles contracted from the movement as he tried not to slip out of you while moving. his head rested on his headboard as you give him a peck on the middle of his chest.

“fuck, i like a strong boy who can move me around.” you teasingly said to him before your expression changed. you bite your lips when you sank down on him.

“shit, (y/n)! does it feel like i’m inside you more?” he asked when he pushes into the untouched territory.

“fuck- you did. i feel so full.”

taehyun’s hands move to your hips as you move on him. the new and almost familiar feeling makes both of you moan out more. that is until you move up and down on his shaft, the same sensation of him pushing into you overwhelms him. his hands move to your lower back as you lean against him, arms wrapped behind him as you both make out with you continuing bouncing on his cock, moving away when one of you gasping for breath, moaning or biting each other’s lip. your skin stuck onto his from the sweat as you move to give him his own hickeys like the ones he gave while letting his hand play with your bouncing boobs—yours also playing with his nipples.

“you’re so good for me, right?” he asks as he brought your head to his—forehead touching. his eyes can’t escape yours as you nodded. taehyun grabs onto your lower body as he tries to match the rhythm with his trust. your whines and whimpers are entertaining him as he is to you by how your grip on his muscles and comments on how strong he is to you. when he reaches down to caress your clit once again, your body trembles above him.

“y-you’re gonna make me c-cum.” you whimper as you brought your face as close to him as possible, barely finding your way to his lips. just caressing his as you move makes him grit his teeth. he will gladly be the first boy to make you cum.

“cum for me, my pixie,“ he whispers to your skin as he hears your groan because of it. then, you clench around him so hard that it makes you moan so loud before he lets his mouth onto yours. he felt how your movement slows from the orgasm as he thrusts up, the gush of your release creeps onto his skin as the movement becomes smoother.

“please cum for me too, taehyun.” he listened to you whimper as you moved on his hips once again, stimulating him by making out and your breast moves against his pecs. taehyun lets out a loud groan as he cums with him inside you. the semen drops onto the skin of his cock as it met the condom’s wall. both of you breathe heavily as the sweat on your faces makes your foreheads stick together and now stronger like glue. taehyun’s hands caress your back and butt while yours grips his biceps.

“you’ve done so good.” he heard you comment before rewarding him with a kiss from you.

“gosh, you’re more beautiful.” he breathes out as you wrapped around him once again, snuggling your face with his as he laid both of you down with you on top of him.

you whimpered when he is out of you, he traces the pulsing hole he was inside of as you remind him to clean up. he saw how much of his cum was inside the rubber when he pulls his cock out and tie the condom before throwing it away. while you seem to grab his undershirt to clean yourself and him up. he could pick up your groan when you step onto the floor to put it back on the pile and he accepts you with open arms and a blanket when you lay above him.

“you’ve done so well, (y/n).” he can’t help but please you as you shut him up with a kiss before laying on his pecs. the blanket covers both of your lower parts as your anklet meets the skin of his leg, shivers running down his spine once again.

“i didn’t expect to lose my virginity tonight,” you remarked.

“mine too.”

your smile slowly drops as you caress him, and a sudden melancholy hits him as he realizes how everything changes between the two of you. did all you want was to hook up with him? it didn’t feel like it when you both were kissing and fucking. you would not trust him that much to do that if you felt like it. his mind then wonders to your sisters. are they home yet? are they having fun? he remembers the smile each of them adorns on their faces in juyeon’s van. the first time all of you smile at outside factors rather than within the five of you. he wishes to see that all of them are safe and sound in their lit bedroom while you are in his arm.

but he can’t check when he wants to. your hand moves his head so you can kiss him. the kiss itself seems different from the ones you give to each other. the other time was passionate, lustful, and cheerful too. with this kiss, it seemed like you were trying to communicate. a certain yearning is there resembling the yearning he has for you. he can see how serious you are when you let both of you breathe.

“run away with me.”

his eyes enlarged as he stops caressing you, “what?”

“run away with me, taehyun,” you say breathlessly. he sees how the corner of your lips twisted up. “you’re the only person who ever makes me feel this way. you’re the only boy that ever adored me like how movie couples do. you’re everything that i wanted in a guy and by the looks, how you do to me, and with me, i know you felt the same way.” you then cup his cheek.

“let’s fucking run away together and start a life on our own. it’s us against the world, taehyun.”

taehyun looks at you, stunned. your eyes widen with hope inside of you as he can sense the warmth that it pours out. the way the cracks inside your eyes are slowly fading away, healing themselves with hope.

“i can’t.”

yet, taehyun disagreed.

“i have a life here, (y/n). i have my family, my friends, my home, and my upcoming career in boxing. i, you know, right? you know i can’t just leave them behind?” the boy pours out all the coming words in his mind. your face now hovers above him and not as close as before.

“no, i don’t know that taehyun. i don’t have that many friends and my family. fuck them-“

“what do you mean ‘fuck them’?” he sits up to get closer to you. but you lean away more, both of you sitting on the mattress. “what about your sisters?”

“why do you care about my siste–wait…” your body retracts. “don’t tell me…” you shook your head as you stare at your covered bottom part.

taehyun panics and tried to reach you, but you scoot away even further. he overheard you scoff as you brushed your messy hair out of your face. “of course. why didn’t i think about it?” you giggled before a frown once again formed on your face.

“you’re just like them. you’re just like all the people outside of my family…” you said with gritted teeth.

“i- what do you-“

“of course, you want to hook up with me. you’re exactly like the boys i met before i move here. the people i met every time i walk through the school’s hallways. all of their eyes look at me and my sisters thinking ‘wow, fuck they’re pretty.’ and that’s it. pretty. someone’s eye candy. a pawn for someone to ogle then play, just like what ma do to us. to me. how didn’t i realize it before?”

taehyun’s body steps off the bed as he kneels on the floor by the side of the bed you were in. “no, you misunderstood.”

“if i misunderstood, the first thing that you thought about of me leaving this forsaken place is my sisters? not asking me what my ma did to me? are they also your concern just much as i am? you care for them maybe even more than the sister that is sitting in front of you? oh, that’s not how misunderstood works, silly.” he listened to you chuckle, “it feels weird to think about you pursuing sooyoung or chaewon with how you did to me. but, you know you do that so you can brag on it to your friends, don’t you? ‘i hook up with one of the moon sisters. fuck, she’s great.’“

he froze as he heard you try to mimic how he sound before you continue, “i should have to trust the me that came to your home and warn you. that you’re just gonna see us, gonna see me, as a thing to pursue. to get a taste off.” you lean closer to him. “is it wrong for me to be selfish? is it wrong for me to be like that when i’m living in a family of seven with sisters that are around the same age as you with no privacy?”

“is it wrong for me to be selfish when my mother is an abusive parent towards me and my sisters and i want an escape? is it wrong for me to be selfish and run away with a person who i put my trust in to confide with and even let him take my virginity?” you shook your head as you bit your lips. the way taehyun sees you from his kneeled position, he felt like a follower of a deity who is given a punishment.

“i, i thought that even if with my warning, you pursue me because you like me for me. that you understand me as i thought you are. well, my plan didn’t fucking work.” he can’t help to feel his breaking heart as he heard you sob. the faded cracks in your eyes when he saw you moments ago are more prominent, much more prominent than the ones that haunt him when he first saw you up close.

“if you thought we would go on after this, you lost your chance, taehyun. you lost your chance when you said “no” and miss out on living the best life with the girl who likes and adores you as much as you do her."

with the last sentence, you stepped down from his bed and walk towards where your dress and clothing were. he found out you were whimpering as you walk, imagining how sore you must be as he hears the stomp of your foot on the ground and the zipping of your dress. taehyun wants to stop, he wanted to. but with the fiery near-monologue of yours, he can feel the guilt rising in his chest. yes, he thought you were selfish when you spoke to him about all the reasons you should and why you want to run away with him but not your sisters. what he regretted was that he should’ve seen it coming. chaewon’s bracelets-covered wrists, the way you mention to him how you don’t have pocket money, the cigarette burn marks on your thighs, your first warning to him. you are much more complex than he thought a teenage girl should be. and he was wrong, gosh, was he wrong about his idea on you.

a girl so beautiful, so rebellious, so out-of-this-world and she is also so broken, so depressed that she hurts herself with the thing that helps her pass time.

he listened to the slamming of doors twice as he can finally let out his held breath. taehyun looks outside of the sheer curtain to watch your dark figure running across the street to your house and slip inside the front door. he dims his eyes as the pc hums into his ears, reminding him to turn it off so that it can rest. the sudden bright light slaps him in the face as he met with the cyan-colored desktop wallpaper and when he wants to click on the start button, he takes one look towards the time that he does not track back when he was with you.

midnight.

part 2

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[ghoooooooooooooooost]

ppl still shilling for crab day despite everything + the fact that tumblr isn't actually 30 mil in debt (it's operating at a loss each year which is not the same) n ppl who act like you're dumb/mean for being against it vs 5000000000 real crabs fight

no but seriously the amount of "errrmmm you guys know sites need money to run right?? don't be a freeloader. i bet you guys freak out abt ao3 getting donations too. don't tell me how to spend my money" i've seen i hope you are saved from whatever demon is possessing you