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wh-da-backup · 10 months

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lyrics dump- grade 10 so far

Published: Apr 9, 2011

note: these are bits of lines and lyrics i jotted down from whenever my last lyric dump was until about late january (when i started a new songbook) they are in no particular order, chronological or otherwise.

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the only thing surrounding me drink the water, it's a part of me immersed with my insanity my insulation from reality -----

we can still be salvaged from this life ----

you drink about music, you brew about leaves you jolt-jump-spark at your own ideas we're easy to talk to, and easy to please come live in my novel, i'm easy to read ----

you bound my arms in puppet strings and dressed me up and made me king and now i bleed imagining i could cut through the puppet strings ----

you'd be even more beautiful without that gun in your hand

you're my favorite waste of time ----

call me names and call me spit bury me in my dug pit oh pity me... pity me...

give me ears to lick and make me beautiful with dumb pinpricks oh pretty me... pretty me...

(and making me tear up my lips oh) ----

I write what I can't say and call it fiction I remember when I used to read sick to my empty/bleeding stomach cesspool genes caffiene dreams ----

the hourglass is filled with quicksand -----

it's cute that you think you'd be so easily replaced; quit calling me pretty, I'm more than a face ----

precious eyes in a beautiful face

stringent dark eyes in a fingernail face ----

I am not down to earth and/or water off in my head somewhere never get things done lazy own daughter

nuclear reactor guild sun fusion sun I'm (a) jaded Ray I'm (a) faded Ray ----

who is standing in the door... way... my heart is a table (my heart is a table) leg and you write on the table (write on the table) write me a new escape ----

eat your solids drink your liquids breathe your gases nothing matters ----

i got your postcard yesteryear the photo said wish you were here but sadly i am out of reach we'll meet again on pensive beach ----

so bombastic oh degrade me

why so shy in silent shell?

leave avec un violon ----

teacups are fragile this one's been pushed over the table's edge

you can hold the pieces together but they'll just fall apart when you remove your hands

and you did but you did the best you can -----

I'll shine in your smile like a firefly's ass

we'll breed the cutest maggots your mother ever saw ---

you feed my ego when i'm broken you're glue ---

I've been known for shooting mirrors no one wants to hold my fingers life is a price

you listen in and think i'm clever stitch the glass and see forever life is nice ----

I can't sleep in this ----

friend, i love you no more scars ----

leave me be I'm no forgever I will have these scars forever ---

this is not a riot, this is the norm. -----

he can read his own mind as you can't do we understand each others' too he wakes at night in violent screams at least he knows what it means to dream ----

all is fair now we're just friends

now we can't move cause we're still friends ----

brainblanks

been thinking about bullets hoping one will lodge

now my mind is blanking no wonder i haven't been shot ----

souls with whom i've shared a room in a house in some past life

it's always better late than never we all love each other now i'm figured out ----

afraid your arms aren't strong enough to crush the world before it crushes her she likes to dream in your ear unconditional listener she likes to hide from everything she wants to tell you all the sad things, things she almost

(things she always) ----

memory barricades everyone sees them your life is tacked up and you dream with your past around ----

to stroke the dreams of anyone dying and be happy for any two people in love ----

butterflies don't cause hurricanes it's the vibrations from knocking on unanswered doors

puzzles click and people feel don't thnk i've ever met such real- life eyes

the hourglass is filled with quicksand and my mouth with sandy lies -----

I like the time you said to me well don't you want it all? and what if overall it's not your fault ------

mentalliterate

out of my mind and out of your mind too we talk all night and lips are last to rest we're like the rats i guess little feet and little hearts the music starts there's nothing talk can do -----

so hot and scary let's compare ea- -ch other's lies

be my fracture let's commit a crime -----

we were down not so long ago broken minds and starving egos

people in a world of creatures, humans, talk, and TV zombies

faster than a speeding taxi best and worst and most indifferent

I know you make all the difference

you and I can say anything true and breathing's all we have to do we can stay and dream for hours nothing has to move -----

you put her in the world, tell her it's wrong to see her breath, she'll stop breathing

you build a perfect world take her and put her in that dress mirror bleeding

(tell her she's no good if she can't fit into that dress mirror-reading)

thin as the paper they're printed on ashamed of their own flesh beauty is fleeting

flesh it what it is, plastic flaws and now you must confess-

she's not breathing -----

he's so shallow she's so callow yet their love is hallowed fools will follow -----

this boy will someday be a man this man was once a child ----

we put us down and say we're ugly we are in denial we are beautiful

and all the empty pages we'll write and turn the stages and they will fill with roses human, we are beautiful -----

I see the shadow we cast on a smile in the sky

I hear you drum again and there are major repercussions

you call yourself my ventillation (rusty ankles pay attention) i don't want to need you to breathe

I'll sing you an alibi

fall asleep and you'll forget me never did remember all your dreams

is there something you're not telling me?

those 13 days are my favorite lucid dream -----

you have CDs now I kept the cassettes mix tapes we made recording the radio remember when we recorded the radio? we always laughed at high school sweethearts secretly wishing we knew each other that young

new year denied me millenium kiss -----

light from all around my friends are ghosts who saved my soul and carry on to heaven whole -----

you'll improvise me a serenade ------

and in the days of gold they smiled and weaved their voices to caress the child

sing until the baby breaks

simple as syrup she's as good as drowned

it leaves a candy wake

drink water

gravity corrects ----

I think we're floating out to see we'll build a flag to save our sanity our love is paranoid and in a drowned world there are some things that only swimmers know the sea recedes and she will not grow old -----

should it be something i admire should it be something i resent it seems i'm only smiling when i'm smiling on your latest compliment

when i dress like a bruise ----

on a bridge where rivers meet so cold but not quite freezing the swimmers you and i won't join it seems to me this is a dream

and in the end it's all beneath i'd kiss your teeth and drag my feet and in the end is this the end everything's fair now we're just friends ----

no one's gonna take your records you can paint the walls any colour you like

know i'm never gonna leave you you can stay with me -----

voulez-vous, voulez-vous, you ask the questions but don't follow through

too few freckles under the wrong eye ----

your nickname reminds me of razors i'm sorry i've got a dark mind ----

she is the prettiest poison in apology glass bottles they'll break on your face as soon as you kiss one ----

and wait for the Aurora, borre Alice and as Aurora bore Alice she has been erased -----

we brought her home today she's got a deep voice and when she cries the floor shakes ----

you're so commercial there's industry in misery

you're clueless like me -----

my heart's feet under my mind is caught in my throat tread all the water I got I wish I could float

my heart's feet under my mind is caught in my throat tread all the water I got til the water... chokes

I don't expect a stranger to row up in a life boat don't expect a savior to show up with a raincoat do you expect the answer to show up at your door I don't ----

I've got you in a jar you should not have told me that I seem to like to tap on glass how long before you get tired of this? you'll only get all cut up again breaking out twist around the other way you'll tangle up your puppet strings cutting through the puppet strings -----

the transient

it was all a stupid dream I woke up with your jewelry on my throat -----

tugging on my strands of hair and thanks to you I'm stranded here ----

to see you as i do i wish that you could you're a little to rough on yourself, I believe if it isn't enough if your writing is "good" you can grow as an artist but fire won't breathe

it's life or death for your ideas a title that transcends the years you'll always mean a lot to me regardless of whether you're man of the century -----

he's got music in his head

I want you to be happy even if it means i'm left behind -----

the whole time I was thinking how she's so much more perfect than me with each other you can be yourselves I'm a skeptic- I warp reality

I hate my smile the two of yours spell perfect chemistry you figured out soon enough I'm not the replacement your heart thought I would be

no date no hurt I hope I'm not jealous, if I am it's only of your happiness no lies no secrets everyday in silence, my thoughts growing heavy in my pockets ------

don't mind me I'm only special ---

you cry yourself an ocean hoping it'll drown you I'm sick of playing coast guard to your soul -----

screw the rules, say whatever you want within the walls of the school ----

I saw the light I saw the light I saw the light it passed right through you are you wearing thin my friend?

I saw the guns they were shining in the sun you were born with an army in your hand have you sent them marching in my friend? off to distant lands... ----

my beauty only lies within the clouded eyes on my beholder beholder is no longer blinded I'm a dream you won't remember -----

not gonna kill myself over a bad day, used to be yours but it's your loss anyway -----

stitch-hearted smiles ------

ask me what I'm writing it's ruined and YOU'RE SITTING RIGHT THERE I get a new enemy every year and I make him promise not to care (well it never works) ----

planets in the sewers full of shaved-off hair that's gotta go somewhere -----

love seems to scare you- let's talk about death

like a river, will you take me? ----

I feel better for having spoken ----

you can suck my APATHY

do they speak in signals do the signals carry speech?

we're not broken up just changed

all I do is drink your voice

If I loved somebody I'd be important

my lungs aren't lungs they're a summed-up mess ------

(these are old cause i saved them for some reason)

what are these crystal spheres they fall like rain yeah fall like rain what is this sticky river raindrops fall and sting the spring

red the fissures cut like scizzors red the oil, yeah red black gold my soul the fissures cut like scizzors red the oil, uh red black gold my soul

tangle me in metal strings and string me up like in my dreams

I feel left out of my own conversations silence is an innovation rowing nowhere on a rubber stream

shot my twin brother, thought he was me

saw pavlov's dog chasing schrodinger's cat

I write all these songs 'bout a soul in denial neglected to mention that person was me

there will be other mud-spattered clothing

tournez la page en vie and rivers run avant de vous fermez un oeil

the road will be long the path will be varied some climb to the top and then others are carried

I'd tell my friends but then they would care cause of drama, sew-sight scare

we all need change to complain about

you'll take away my children to own and abuse them and make them your bitch you could turn me into a whore for my fame it aint gonna happen i already know your name

tenderly kiss the gangrene don't be ashamed of your sores rotting is only human

I can't stand this body knowing these are the arms you died in

it's a supernova

I relate to people fine if they're like me

fame is vivisection

the dogs start whining, I already fed you today (lay down) ------

you wear yourself well ----

I'm such a waste I take up space but if the space is in your heart then it's ok ----

he can't sing like an angel or scream like a rock star -----

the earth is pressed against my body she said, "I am electrifying, better out me in charge." ----

I'm ok with anything you want because I know you wouldn't want too much through voices taunting and picture eyes that haunt this is trust ----

your face is flushed, I'm turning read where love is dead the notes have bred you're right about the things you said you're hollow wings, a clouded head -----

she's sitting there painting her suicide portrait notes are for writers she thought to herself

she's been walking on flashlights ever since the coals ran out and she thought all the guitars were teeth to whom will she them all bequeath? ----

my heart is a brick ----

it's got an average mean meaning nothing means nothing means nobody means ----

forget the pages, take my dreams ---

I think that these novels have gone to your head let us be what we are, and not what you've read ------

used to think I was the best, I wasn't good enough I guess ----

loved ones strewn about the floor whoever are you waiting for? ----

speak in reply to conform to convention, speak out of turn and you'll catch my attention ----

I've been an enigma lately because you can't read your own handwriting ------

(this one is also from 9th grade)

you broke into my home passed out on the bed left dream marks on the pillow next to your intoxicated head oh no... won't you see this through?

you opened up your eyes scremaing locked and red slurred the words and asked me not to hear the stupid things you said oh no... won't you see this through? don't go... the sky of blackened blue ------

for a second there i believed in myself turns out you thought i was someone else -----

never gonna grow up always gonna lie never gonna be too pretty might as well die ------

you were only a dream but you were my favorite dream

fire's out

you realized I'm no replacement ------

like this guitar my walls have scars we've all got scars because of me -----

say things to me you needed someone to say to I just want someone I can say

one for change and one to keep it

been thinking about you got nothing better to do

you don't deserve these pictures I wish I could pray your nightmares gone

--------

Unfinished Songs in my Songbook

jeans getting too tight on my legs feet getting too big for my shoes anger's getting too much for my skin to hold one of these days, gonna break lose

body's getting too frail for the grip (my addictions) ego's swelling to great for my skull (go on feed it) hair in my face too long to see anything one of these days, losing control --------

I'm sad, it's hereditary guess I got blue genes oh ha ha very funny it's got an average mean meaning nothing means nothings means

you're bad, this is necessary pass on your cesspool genes we'll smile on our offspring teach them the average mean meaning nobody means nobody means nothing means nothing means

I'm done with thinkin about old wars we'll breed the cutest maggots your mother ever saw

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spectatingwitchowl · 1 year

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note: do not repost this image. if you find this on someone else's profile, just comment my username on their post (dandelione01whatever on tumblr and dandelione._01 on instagram). no need for further arguments. just do the right thing.

꒰⁠ A Glimpse into Fragments ꒱

Just as the rest of the year was shrouded in rainfall, summer was no exception to the same old weather. It was as if clouds never even moved an inch, forever stuck in a loop of nothing but precipitation. The sun did not exist. The skies were never blue. It was all just rain, rain, and more rain.

Summer, in particular, is an interesting story. Meteorologists had reported severe thunderstorms and hurricanes during the season much more frequently compared to any other time of year. A morning news program was not complete without weather advisories, updates about yet another cyclone to hit land before autumn officially arrives, and which areas will be affected most.

“Not again...” Satsuu murmurs in the middle of the broadcast with a tone of sarcasm, not taking the news too seriously.

“Hah! I mean, we had bad weather for an entire year— and still counting! It's all the same thing! Wouldn't that one be too bad?” Lemon takes a sip of warm tea on his mug.

“Yes, but...” Satsuu pauses. Not that they should ignore the warnings, but he does make a point— but he kind of doesn't as well that it is not exactly right. “We should still make preparations, you know?”

“Of course! I wouldn't forget that! It was perfect timing, indeed, because I went out and bought stacks of food the day before yesterday! And good ones that would last long as I recall! Remember that project I told you about? I scrapped it, but kept the batteries and did not open them yet— which means we can still use them!”

“Great! I thought you were eager to be sent away by stronger winds next week.”

Lemon may be slightly reckless with his foolery and whatnot, still, he'll never fail to do something beneficial for everyone even if that act was as simple as opening the door for a customer during times when he was having a light conversation with Muffin and Cupcake in Willow Grove's. It was that characteristic that Satsuu have noted in him. A trait that never changed and left him ever since they were a bunch of children throwing tantrums, nonsensical arguments, and heaps of crying for the slightest reasons here and there. ‘How much has things changed, yet that thing again...’ Satsuu thought, just as she does everytime Lemon was around. She may not have been the best person around him during what she referred to as ‘those old days’, but they have certainly managed to outweigh them to the point where she was no longer perceived as a sort of threat to him.

“By the way, I found out that that movie you kept talking about since last week were to be airing after this. What'd you say about it? Shall we watch? And maybe prepare the popcorn or something?”

“Absolutely!” Satsuu immediately replies, each syllable individually blurted with enthusiasm. “I'll be right back; I'll be cooking them right now.”

And just like that, they settled on the floor like two lazy cats in a regular rainy morning and at that point did time walk backwards, each step reverberating the past to the present's ears. Not only each sound, not only the sound of one's bright and youthful voice before they were ridden by growth, but even the slightest of details, the sunlight's warmth above layers of gloomy heaps of clouds gently reaching toward their skin as Lemon excessively rambles about the very same show they are watching, how the hopeful glimmer in the eyes of those whom were once oblivious children were contagious, how they lack a care in the world whether the song they're singing is out of tune, or how unsynchronized their dances get— when ignorance was bliss.

Unfortunately, all is buried in rust, rubble, and rot. One cannot create the exact environment of a familiar, homesickening smell they had in mind with just their bare hands, or glue together a vase shattered into powder in such intricate way that its original conditions have been perfectly restored, and neither does fixing and reliving what time had written. One can only laugh at it, look at it like a vintage frame, or worse, forget it altogether. But no doubt does everyone grow around them subconciously and despite the impact of time on the nature of life, create subtle yet recognizable fragments embedded in a person's continuous melting pot of traits, like how sand is present in something as pristine as glass.

Again, Satsuu can only laugh. This time though, she was certainly not laughing alone.

~~~~~~~~~~

This took longer than expected, but here we are nonetheless. There are a bit to unpack here, definitely. Let me give a summary of their backstory in order for this to make sense. I was supposed to write about their backstory in two separate posts explaning their own points of view towars their past interactions.

Satsuu used to bully Lemon during the first and second grade and he saw her as a threat even when she no longer torments him. Enter high school, and Lemon was still a target. Satsuu, who felt guilt for seeing the entire thing repeat, and despite not talking to him yet, gathered evidences and spoke to the councellor. Her, Lemon, and his bullies talked in the office which led to the bullies suspended and a baffled Lemon. A week after that, Satsuu requested him for a talk wherein she apologised and from there, they had conversations and gradually felt comfortable with each other before settling in with their current friends during the fresh years of college.

On a separate note, this is probably the story most parallel to my experiences and it honestly felt awesome using nostalgia as a medium for this as I was able to describe the feelings of both the character and I in deeper detail.

#dandelion01whateverart #dandelion01whatevercinnamonsprinkledstories #original character #writing #not me venting 💀

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adhamhocaoimh · 1 year

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Some forever ago, my dear friend, and erstwhile yet perpetual collaborator, Tommy Foster of The Deadlians and creator/curator of the Turning Earth podcast, was in a brassy, hefty project named dEvolution, and I was an avid fan. Below is a write up of the at the time, brand new EP, ‘The Science of Spite’. This is from 2009.

Whilst the recent reviews aped (satirically, naturally) the typically metaphorically laboured and overzealous form employed by many critics in these… intellectually liberal times, today I will try to give a more balanced perspective.

Now, far be it from me to aspire to be some music critic. As, John Zorn once said: ‘Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.’ And this is true, there’s no point in trying to compare the various shades of sound here in terms of hurricanes and tidal waves or star sprent skies or anything else that has fuckall to do with ones cochlea.

Instead I will say this: dEvolutions newest recording, entitled ‘The Science of Spite’, is by and large the most aggressive thing the band has released thus far. Not eschewing, but perhaps toning down the experimental tendencies that underscored last years ‘Can I Lick Your Possessions?’, they have delivered an almost punk-rock influenced affair that is daring in its structure and accomplished in it’s execution.

The opening track, and the first of two re-recordings from 2006’s ‘A New Throne For An Old God’, entitled ‘I Am Your Child’, demonstrates how far the band has come in the years since, which is all the more remarkable considering the lengthy hiatus they recently returned from. The song has developed from it’s former neanderthal brutality into a subtly complex beast, blending jarring riffs and a militaristic tone with the furious pace driven by the rhythm section. All of this is entwined with a vocal performance by Eric Burke that does nothing if not render the occasional criticisms the band met in 2006 obsolete.

The song also serves to immediately call to attention the exemplary engineering work that guitarist Tommy Foster provided for the recording. The guitars, previously somewhat buried in a wash of distortion, now ring with a vibrant defined fuzz that recalls something between Mastodons midrange roar and Michio Kurihara’s treble soaked fuzz on his collaboration with Boris, ‘Rainbow’. The bass is crushing, thickly distorted and is delivered with a crunch that had always been lacking in the studio recordings, and fills out the bottom in a way that seems much more satisfying than they allowed. The drums are crisp and tight, perfectly suited to the busy and energetic style of Jonathan Hughes, allowing us to hear every beat and crash with the clarity that drives the bands impressive live show.

‘Prism’, the second of the reworked songs from‘A New Throne…’, and another that gains more than a little from Fosters production makeover, recalls echoes of Sepultura and Napalm Death (and importantly, none of the Alanis Morrissette influenced Tampop that’s been making a comeback), a particular highlight for myself being a soft and teasingly short clean section that builds and breaks down to announce the songs slippery verse riff and the subtle cymbal work that complements it. Hughes’ creativity shines here, underscoring his flourishes with the simplest of metronomic beats resulting in a rhythmic juxtaposition that compliments the song in an unpredictable fashion.

dEvolution have always tempered their harder moments with three things; an ear for melody, the good sense never to settle for simple repetition when development will suffice, and the even better sense to know which parts merit returning. This leads to something that resembles songwriting, an apparently out of fashion idea that most modern heavy music leaves behind as it heads off in one of two directions: endlessly muted downtuned powerchords or bands playing every damn chord and every damn scale in every goddamn part of every goddamn song they write.

The new track the band recorded for the EP,‘We’d Eat The White Man If He Wasn’t Very Toxic’, is perhaps the most interesting here, kicking off with a relentless off-kilter groove and barely lets up in the near 8 minutes of its duration. As evidence of the bands most recent compositions, it bodes well for the future, as they step further afield and find their voice, and again exhibits the fact that the band are damn fine musicians, but don’t let the fact get in the way of their music. The song is a flux, parts changing and developing with a fine attention to detail, and meanders into the sonically textured dirge territory and rhythmic curiosities that make bands like Converge and Meshuggah so rewarding, all the while marrying it with their own songwriting aesthetics.

The final piece on the album is a song that’s been in the bands setlist for as long as I’ve known them, ‘Voluntary Piss Impants’ but is only somewhat recognizable from the incarnation on a rehearsal tape I have from forever ago. The song still betrays the bands affection for System of A Down, but now has been fleshed out with jazzy interludes and some very strange melodic developments that overall, I don’t think I have listened to enough to fully appreciate. dEvolution have, for me, always been the kind of band that grew on you, that you find yourself absentmindedly caught off guard by. The song as a whole carries a vaguely sarcastic tone to it that many of Mike Pattons projects seem to employ, and does make for an engaging listen, but I can’t help but wonder if it was the right song to close the EP with. On the other hand, it’s (comparatively) softer, melancholic and dynamically adventurous pacing do make for a more complete listen, and the EP does not end on a weak note.

In all, you can’t really trust my opinion, because if it were up to me Eric Burke, Tommy Foster and Jonatan Hughes would be given a licence to print currency and rewrite ‘Walls Inside’ all day, something that the band don’t do, presumably out of a crippling fear of money and success.

But I digress. It would be far better for you to click below and download the whole thing, pro bono, courtesy of the generous little guys.

(Trivia: Not one member of dEvolution is taller than 5′ 2″)

Enjoy.

#music #review #ireland #sludge #metal #Bandcamp

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ateezthings · 4 years

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ATEEZ Reaction: Playing with your hair

Anon said: “ Can I have wooyoung ,seonghwa or jognho or all of them hehe. Playing with your hair 🥺🥺🥺 im so touchstarved and I just want warm hugs.“

I felt this in my bones, so thank you for this request (even tho you requested this over a year ago, I still hope you somehow see this) I’ve also been extra lonely + stressed when I wrote this so fluffy fluff ahead. forgive me I’m a little rusty with writing, it’s been a while.

I tried to be inclusive of all hair types, textures etc. This is also gender neutral 😊

Also here are some songs that convey the mood I was going for:

SYML – Where’s my love (Alternate Version)

Parade of Lights – Tangled up

Khalid – Better

I Prevail – Hurricane (Reimagined)

The Band Camino – The black and white

Jongho

- Everyone was annoying you today

- When you arrived home, Jongho saw you were in desperate need of some Jongho cuddles

- You two got comfy on the sofa watching Kung Fu Panda

“Y/N do you want a scalp massage?”

“All of a sudden?... uh yeah, of course”

- He sat up a little, taking your head in his lap, starting to gently massage your neck by holding up your head a little

- He went up the nape of your neck, moving towards the crown of your head, rubbing symmetrical circles in your scalp

- He spent a good 45 mins on that until you were sighing of relaxation

- You spent the rest of the evening engulfed in his big arms, feeling protected

Wooyoung

(this long dark hair is doing things to me)

- One afternoon Wooyoung walked into the bedroom where you were organizing some skin care

“Babe, could I try braiding your hair for you?”

“Uhm… Yeah…sure”

- And with that he got to work

- He was really gentle, careful not to pull your hair too tightly

- His face seemed so concentrated; you fell a little bit more in love with him

- His technique was questionable but you enjoyed being close to him and the free hair treatment

- When he was done, he had this satisfied look on his face that made your world light up

- so you just had to sneak a kiss

“what was that for?”

“I just love seeing you happy, Woo”

Mingi

- Being the curious baby Mingi is, he was fascinated by your hair from the first time he saw you

- You were hanging out with the rest of the guys one evening

- After a few hours he asked you if he could touch your hair and you agreed

- That’s how you ended up in a bean bag chair, lying in his arm

- Him being totally immersed in your hair texture and the feeling of twirling strands between his fingers

- Trying to get him to focus on talking to you again, you surprised him with a kiss on the cheek which made him blush

San

- Sunday morning after a particular stressful week

- San was awake first, you were turned away from him

- He admired the back of your head with all the tangled strands of hair

- He started playing with the strands that fell on his arm, slowly and gently detangling them one by one

- When he couldn’t find anymore tangled pieces, he turned you over and woke you up with the faintest sweetest kiss on the lips

Yeosang

(i swear I’m gonna report him one of these days, this should be illegal collarbones are my weakness hng)

- You two were watching some random sitcom on Netflix, you lying lazily on his chest

- Yeosang however was more interested in you and your hair

- Every now and then he grew fond of a particular strand of hair, so he kept twirling that between his fingers

- The more he kept twirling your hair around his fingers, the softer the strands felt and the more you dozed off

- With the steady lifting and lowering of his chest, you were off to sleep quickly, not a care in the world

Yunho

- After a romantic picnic near the river, you and Yunho did some star gazing

- He pointed out some weird star constellation that, he insisted, looked like a unicorn

“What? No, Yunho… I’m sorry but never in a million years does that look like a unicorn”

“I’m telling you, look at it!”

- After laughing at him a little, you grew silent, just lying in his arms with his hand combing slowly through your hair over and over again

- You could have stayed like that forever

Hongjoong

(oh this man)

- After a long day you just wanted to see your favorite person in the world, but of course he was still at the studio, working his butt off

- So, you decided to surprise him there with some snacks

- The producer let you in and told you where Hongjoong was supposed to be

- When you entered the studio, your heart nearly combusted: Hongjoong was asleep on the little sofa in the room, looking like the smallest cosiest fairy

- So you decided to lay next to him and cuddle up to him

- After a while Hongjoong noticed you without needing to open his eyes

- Half asleep his hands found their way to your hair, holding you close to his chest

- He kept on running his hands through your hair till you were both fast asleep

Seonghwa

(these men have no business being this handsome istg)

- It was about 9pm and you heard Seonghwa’s keys in the lock, so you rushed over to the door to greet him

- The moment he saw you, he relaxed

- You didn’t need to speak

- He engulfed you in the cosiest hug anyone’s ever seen

- You stayed like that for a good minute

- After a while his hands started to caress your hair

- Staying like this and hearing his steady breath made all your stress melt away

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soukokuwu · 4 years

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could i please get a super soft scenario of just being on a date with dazai? maybe he had a bad day, so the reader decides to treat him for dinner, letting him choose their meal. afterwards, sitting on the grass at a park, with a blanket around them and watching the sunset. him cuddling into her, while she runs her fingers through his scalp and kisses his head. tysm :) i love ur writing and u seem like such a cool person irl

LOVEBUG. genre. fluff synopsis. people can change, even the most unlikely ones. word count. 1.4k author notes. this took so long for me to get out i’m so sorry!! but thanks for waiting, if you’re still here, and tysm for your kindness anony <33 hehe someone thinks i’m cool :3

times change, and so do people.

you are the catalyst of dazai’s change, the one that takes over him akin to a hurricane overwhelming a small city. but whereas a hurricane leaves a destruction in its wake, you grew flowers in the barren soil which was his life. where he would once rather drown in the ocean, now he drowns in thoughts of you, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

there was a time where he would rejoice in being alone, to stop putting on a facade. because truth be told? it’s tiresome. but funny enough, where he deigns to be himself on a day-by-day basis, he deems it worthy when it’s with you.

because how can love be real when he doesn’t bare himself?

which is why when a case earlier that day reminded him of the only loss he ever grieved, he gets the overwhelming urge to just see you, to hug you and inhale the scent of your hair, the scent that naturally calms.

it’s a wednesday, and he usually doesn’t come over on work nights, but he can’t help himself. dazai allows himself to drag his feet over to your apartment uninvited.

tap. tap. tap.

slow, and weak, on the mahogany door.

you only just settled down after a long exhausting day at work, but already an unwonted visitor. you stifle a grumble, socks muting your harsh stomps against the marble floor, but any trace of irritation is carried away by the wind when you feel the familiar texture of bandaged arms brushing against your skin, and the subtle elation under his controlled murmur.

“i’m so glad to see you.”

you take a moment to collect yourself, before you return his hug. you stop yourself from asking the obvious ‘are you okay’ because you think it redundant. for dazai to go out of his way and visit you out of the blue? something is definitely bothering him. but it isn’t your place to pry — you know it’s impossible for him to talk about his cases (you deduce that it’s the only factor in the current that would make him feel this way). however, there is one thing you can do as his girlfriend.

make an effort.

you drag your boyfriend inside and shut the door behind him, observing as he flings himself down onto the sofa, the perfect embodiment of exhaustion. whatever it is that managed to bring him down this bad just means you have that much more work to do to pull him back up. and no, you don’t mind at all, actually. on the contrary, you love being the one he entrusts these particular notions to. you know he would rarely ever let anyone else’s actions dictate his mood. except yours.

in that honeyed voice of yours, you lean down and let your thumb ghost his lips, earning yourself a pout from your boyfriend as he looks up at you. “tell me anything you want for dinner, i’ll whip it up for you,” you offer.

dazai grins, sitting up and presses the tip of his nose against yours, a glint in his eyes. “i know just the thing i want.”

“are you sure this is all you want?”

dazai chuckles at your skepticality, offering only a grin in response, jabbing his fork down onto the meat and swallowing it readily.

now it’s your turn to giggle. it still baffles you how this is his idea of a perfect dinner: crab from a can with bottled sake from the supermarket. he’s aware that you can cook up a much better, high-end version of this, with your knack for fancy plating and wanton knowledge of compatible herbs.

but you know better than to question it. his answer would probably be much too complicated for you anyway. so you roll with it. not everything has to have an answer. you know when probing is unnecessary. this is one of those times. it isn’t too difficult to just be content with what you have. because you are. very. just lounging with dazai, sitting on the floor eating on the coffee table.

it’s simple. homely.

the both of you have a lively debate on the alleged corruption of one of the state senators, occasionally being sidetracked by the music playing on the television. by the time the two of you finish up, you notice the sun sinking lower and lower against the sky. you glance at your watch, twenty-three minutes left, give or take.

“what is it?” dazai asks with a simple head-tilt and wondering eyes.

now you grin in reply, “come on, let me take you somewhere.”

fifteen minutes later you’re leaning against his side, sitting on the freshly cut grass, watching as the sun sets on the horizon, the orange resembling fire hearths and tangerines. you feast your eyes on the sight before you as the rich hues of orange blends with purples and crimsons.

you always liked sunsets. they remind you of fresh colours brushing upon a blank canvas, leaves you wondering how something so beautiful managed to exist in the first place.

“a masterpiece, isn’t it?” you subconsciously ask, your gaze fixed on the sky before you, an unobstructed view thanks to your many-a-times spent wandering around the park near your home.

“yeah, it is.”

dazai isn’t agreeing with you though, not completely. because while you’re admiring the scenery, he’s admiring you. you’re the only masterpiece in his eyes, a timeless existence being captured in the lock of your gaze. he shifts his pupils back to the centre before you can catch him staring at you, though.

but he finds that that mere few seconds of admiring you isn’t enough. so he casually lays his head on your thighs, much to your surprise. you try to lean back, aware that it isn’t the most flattering angle for him to see you in, but he reaches up to move your face back into place.

“you’re beautiful, belladonna, don’t hide that.”

you can feel a heat creep up on your cheeks as you sheepishly smile back at him and give in. besides, when have you ever been able to say no to him?

and maybe now you do understand why he prefers the simple things. because as the blanket of the velvety night signals the end of the drowning sun, a thought pops into your head.

there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. because it’s not about what you’re doing, it’s about who you’re with. and never did you think you’d ever be enough for someone as prodigious as dazai osamu, but that isn’t important. what matters is that he thinks so, and he does. you know it. he’s shown it to you countless times, even if they are through subtle, unconventional means.

so you text your boss to request a sick leave tomorrow, something you have never done so just because you’re the hardworker that you are. but when you peer down at your beloved boyfriend’s blissful face, you think that some things deserve more weightage in your life as opposed to corporations that largely looks at their workers as being replaceable.

that night you wrap the blanket you prepared around the both of you as you shift to lie down on his chest, letting the steady pulse of his heartbeat envelop your ears. you call out to him, only to get his rhythmic breathing as a response. slowly, you flicker your eyes up to peek at him. he’s already asleep. and you exhale a silent laugh at how absolutely harmless he looks in this state.

he was the one that came to you seeking refuge from his troubles, so how did it end up helping you blow your own negativity away? he really is a remarkable person, you think.

“i love you,” you whisper to him, before you let yourself fall prey to your enervation.

and as your consciousness slips away, you think you hear the faint rustle of sleeves and the muffled murmurs of someone trying to tell you something.

“i’d stay alive forever if it meant i could spend an eternity with you.”

but you’re already fast asleep, and it’s okay. because the man with the voice responsible for such earnest words knows. he knows he’s going to spend his entire life convincing you so.

tags. @yokelish @gogolparadise @fyowyn-writes @smoochi-dazai @animatedarchives @chihxru ask me to be added/removed <3

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bondsmagii · 3 years

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omg you read we need to talk about kevin? what did you think? i went through a whole range of emotions, most of them bitter & negative, bc i saw too much of my mum & brother in eva & kevin, something i’m still working through. i started off hating eva bc i projected my resentment towards my mum onto her, but i found myself sympathising with her a bit more towards the end. it’s helped me sympathise a bit with my mum too. this book has probably had the most lasting effect on me than any other!

man, I love that book. I first read it years ago and liked it then, but I recently reread it and I loved it even more. it's such a brilliant book -- profoundly uncomfortable and incredibly bleak, but I think it asks so many important questions that, face it, most people are too scared to even acknowledge. it simultaneously asks the huge taboo of a question -- what if you regret having your child? what if a child is just born bad? -- and also combines it with that other big question: why do kids shoot up their schools? the nature vs nurture debate has been absolutely raging for years regarding children who commit violence at school; as someone with an academic interest in this particular crime, it's one I've banged my head up against multiple times. people seem to always be firmly in one camp: the parents are to blame, or the kid is just evil. nobody seems to consider the interaction between these two things, and how it's always ultimately a choice.

the book is a pretty intense read for me, as I'm sure you can relate. the difference is that while you can see your mother and brother in Eva and Kevin, I actually see myself and my mother in Eva and Kevin. I was an unwanted and a resented child. my parents did not want to have me. I was what my parents referred to as "a surprise", said in the same tone as you would describe a sudden house fire as a surprise, or bad news at work as a surprise. the major difference between my parents and Eva and Franklin was that they had me very young (they would have been 19 and barely 20 when they found out, and 20 and barely 21 when I was born) and this most certainly added to the resentment. my father was always away for work, often getting to go to some pretty interesting destinations; my mother wanted to be the kind of woman who wanted to be a stay-at-home mother, but she hated it. like Eva and Kevin, my mother and I were very, very alike in personality and what we did and did not want out of life, and we were engaged in some level of warfare for my entire childhood. while I wasn't quite on the level of Kevin in terms of blinding my siblings and whatnot, I was quite the terror as a child. by the time I reached my teenage years I was uncontrollable and my parents had given up trying. I could not be punished. I did not care. any punishment they did hand out, I was maliciously compliant to the point of infuriation. I'm sure my parents could argue that I was born evil, and indeed that's what they told the extended family. I admit I was not an easy child. however -- I was a child.

I did not ask to be born, and when my parents made the choice to have me and then resent my existence, that was on them. a child knows. a child can tell when he's not wanted, when he's an inconvenience. I knew it very well, from an early age. my parents' resentment of me resulted in them abusing me right up until I left home. I was like an unwanted pet, except they couldn't dump me off at a shelter. no, they never laid a finger on me physically, so they can claim they didn't abuse me -- but emotionally and psychologically they were abusive, and especially in my teenage years, they neglected me severely. (think along the lines of being left at home alone for extended periods with no food, no money, and no way to get supplies as we lived in rural Ireland and the closest supermarket was 30 minutes away. this was not something they did out of malice, but rather something they did because they did not consider me at all. they forgot my existence, most of the time, or they deemed me so inconsequential that making provisions for me was a task that could be forever put off.) understandably this made me hate them in return, and I took great pleasure in being a little shit. it was all I had. nature vs nurture, which is it? my parents weren't exactly nurturing, and they taught me very bad behaviour -- but at the same time from the moment I was born I had my mother's personality, predisposing me to being a little shit. even now, grown up and after many years of working on myself, I still find myself fighting the urge to be as cruel and as judgemental as she could be; likewise I see those positive qualities she had, that she could have shown more of if she had put the work in like I had. we went from being furious carbon copies of one another to an example of the best and the worst case scenario.

basically what it comes down to is choice. Kevin and I had a similar situation going on, but Kevin chose to try and find what he was looking for in mass murder, and I chose to try and find it by getting out of my house and never returning. I mentioned earlier that I have an academic interest in the kind of crime that Kevin committed; since the age of 17 I have been researching these things, and now have expertise in several specific incidents. I bring this up to illustrate that this crime was on my radar when I was around Kevin's age, when I was suffering from the same problems as he was. thousands of kids find themselves in this position, yet so relatively few commit the act. why? it's choice. nature, nurture -- it doesn't matter. there comes a point where you have to make the choice, and honestly? it's chaos theory, baby.

as well as researching this kind of thing I'm also an amateur meteorologist. I love weather. I love trying to work out what makes it tick. and weather is a good example of what I'm trying to say here. weather cannot be predicted. we can get decent ideas, but at the same time we never really know for sure and also weather acts differently every time. there are too many variables. it's the entirety of the earth's atmosphere we're talking about here. identical weather conditions can arise time and time again, and each time the weather is different. a sunny afternoon one day is a washout the next. this is because -- and I broadly sum it up here -- there are so many tiny variables that we cannot possibly predict how they will change the weather. and I mean it's tiny variables. I'm sure you've heard of the butterfly effect -- this comes from the idea that a butterfly somewhere on the coast of Africa can flap its wings, and this tiny reverberation can spread through the atmosphere, creating a bigger and bigger ripple, until a hurricane smashes into the Gulf of Mexico. tiny atmospheric changes all interacting in ways we cannot imagine. this is why some kids shoot up schools. it's easy to look at psychology broadly, but no two people are ever the same. siblings growing up in the exact same house are not the same. identical twins, genetically identical to their very DNA, are not the same. tiny, tiny events, microdoses of chemicals in the brain, exposures -- they all change us in subtle ways. two people -- Kevin and I -- can grow up with almost identical familial issues and outlooks, but Kevin shoots up his school and I study my ass off and get myself to university to escape my parents. why? I don't know. I don't know what tiny little things might influence me one way and another kid in the other. personality, brain chemistry, waking up that morning and having enough or not -- I don't know. it's chaos theory. the variables are too small to say. nature vs nurture are only two variables out of millions. it's an oversimplification.

so to go back to the book -- who do I blame? neither of them. it was a perfect storm. we could say Eva didn't help, but I know of plenty of kids with decent parents who still committed such a crime. we could say that Kevin was just born bad, but there are plenty of people with his resentful outlook on life who don't commit mass murder, or any harm against anyone whatsoever. it's like how every tornado comes from a supercell, but not every supercell will spawn a tornado -- that final genesis point is unknown to us. we just can't predict it. there are no easy answers. there is no simple formula. we just don't know, and that's what makes Kevin's story -- and its real-life counterparts -- so terrifying.

#sorry for going off but this combines two (2) of my Major Academic Niches so you got the full 1hr lecture with slideshow i'm afraid #anon #asks

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hurricanery · 3 years

Text

hurricane

A/N: shoutout to everyone that sent me song recs I'm feeling hella inspired and I’m gonna keep them in my inbox to come back to for future one shots! <3 credit to the anon that sent me this song...i wrote this so fast in my head and now it’s here! This is pretty amelia-centric but there’s a hint of amelink in here too, so hope u enjoy!

TW: implied drug use

also this is for @wordsxstars bc chloe ur my angst buddy forever !!

_______

I’m the violence in the pouring rain

I’m a hurricane

Come and fade me

I’m a hurricane

_______

It rained the day she was born. Like really rained. It was the kind of torrential downpour that turned the whole sky a threateningly dark mix of indigo and grey.

Her Mother hadn’t planned for it. Hadn’t considered the impact that the weather would play on her child’s entrance into the world.

And she’d felt a lighthearted resentment towards this child, for deciding to push her way out at such an inconvenient time.

Because they’d sat in traffic.

Full of panic.

In the middle of a city-wide weather emergency.

“Leave it to baby number five,” her Mother had breathed through a contraction, hands gripping tightly to the cushions of the passenger seat. “To be born….during….a hurricane.”

“This hasn’t been classified as a hurricane yet, Carolyn-”

The glare she’d given her husband was enough to shut him up as she exhaled through the pressure of her contractions.

And she’d gripped the edges of the seat even tighter.

The same way Amelia does now, 18 years later.

Her fingers grip the edges of the seat, and her fingernails scratch over the fabric lightly, as she stares out the passenger side window.

It’s raining out. Not a downpour or anything. But steadily enough to trigger that feeling. That feeling that’s uncertain and nostalgic at the same time. Two practically opposite notions that crash together like the thunder that’s threatening the sky.

She hears Derek clear his throat, and her gaze snaps to his just in time.

Just in time for her to witness her brother’s eyes dart from her tightly-wound fingers to the road ahead as he drives.

She quickly moves her hands, on instinct. Burying them in her lap instead. There’s an overly-positive inflection to her brother’s tone as he speaks out into the space between them.

“I was nervous, too,” he laughs a bit under his breath, like he’s recalling a specific memory. “When I went away to school.”

“I’m not nervous.”

Disbelief flashes quickly across his face, but then he replaces it with something more soft. Like he’s deciding to give his younger sister the benefit of the doubt. Like he’s actually letting her have this one.

“Well, then….I’m impressed.”

Amelia rolls her eyes. And then she shivers involuntarily.

There’s something about being in an air-conditioned car, protected from the heat of the storm outside. It causes chills to rise through her body, despite it being the end of August. She turns in her seat, reaching towards the back of the car, to where all of her belongings are packed. Pulling out a crocheted blanket, she twists forward in her seat again and covers her bare legs with it.

She stares at the road ahead, finding patterns in the wet pavement, before she tentatively opens the conversation back up.

“Was Mom with you?” She utters the question, and she doesn’t let herself look in Derek’s direction. “Was Mom there to drop you off at college?”

It’s not until after she voices the question, that she realizes. Realizes that’s the thing that’s potentially been bothering her.

Derek sighs. And his hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter.

“She was.”

Amelia nods.

This answer doesn’t surprise her. And it doesn’t hurt either. It’s mostly just numb acceptance at this point.

She finally turns to him, and she almost doesn’t recognize herself in her next question.

“It’s because I look like him, right?”

It’s the first time she’s comprehended it out loud. The weight of it hits her like a ton of bricks. The fact that it all comes back to that.

“Who?”

Amelia gives him an incredulous stare, her mouth forming in a tight line. It amplifies her refusal to feed into Derek’s decided lack of wit.

Because he knows what she’s asking.

And Derek knows that Amelia knows that.

Amelia refuses to blink. She lets her eyes become unfocused as she stubbornly holds her gaze.

Until Derek eventually nods, giving up.

“Amelia….” He sighs. “You look like me.” He turns briefly in her direction, like he’s hoping her stare will have faltered slightly at his explanation so far. But it hasn’t. She’s relentless sometimes.

He exhales a bit shakily before he continues, eyes shifting back to the road.

“You look like me….and you look like Dad, too.”

Amelia finally lets herself blink at that. Relief floods her dry eyes and her mind, too.

She turns back to the window, focusing instead on the world around them. Her eyes land on two particular raindrops against the window. And she smiles slightly as she watches them drop down towards the ledge. Like it’s a race to see which raindrop finishes first. Which raindrop will dip first into the crack of the window pane, where it’ll disappear forever.

It’s a game she played as a child, too.

She loved to watch the raindrops race against the plastic walls of her playhouse. In the quiet corner of her vast backyard.

It had rained on the day of her 6th birthday party. And Amelia had almost been glad for that.

Her Mother had talked it up the entire week.

“Saturday is Amy’s birthday!”

“Saturday is all about Amy!”

But it felt false to Amelia, even as a 6-year-old.

The forced element of the celebration. And the way her Mother had demanded her siblings participate, too.

But the party was cancelled. And Amelia instead found herself in her favorite place to be during a rainstorm. Surrounded by the yellow walls of her plastic playhouse.

Derek had found her that day. A smile playing at his lips as he ducked his wet head of hair into the window of her little hideaway.

“Whatcha thinkin about, Amy?”

“What are you thinking about?”

Amelia quickly shakes from her daze, abandoning the slight pride she’d just felt at her choice of raindrop winning the race against the car window.

She turns to Derek, and she even smiles a bit in his direction.

“I’m thinking about….starting over.”

“Starting over?!” Derek gives her one of his classic smiles. There’s an element of surprise to it, that lands in his eyes. But ultimately it’s laced with excitement, through and through. “Starting over is good.”

Amelia beams at him. It starts off small but she can feel the way it grows on her face. It’s the kind of grin that makes her cheeks dimple.

Derek shakes his head, laughing under his breath as he faces the road again.

“You know….no one wants you to start completely over, Amy.”

She raises her eyebrows at this, her grin transforming into more of a doubtful smirk at her brother’s words.

“Well I, for one, don’t want you to change.”

Amelia exhales a slight chuckle.

“I’ll try not to get rid of the good parts,” she mutters.

Derek is focused on the road in front of them, so all Amelia can really decipher, is his side profile. But she can see it. The hint of glassiness in his grey-blue orbs.

Silence falls between them, and Amelia feels a tightness form within her own throat. She attempts to clear it, tries to alleviate what the moment is turning out to be. But then Derek starts speaking again in a low tone, and the tightness spreads itself further.

“Dad would be so proud of you, you know.”

Amelia smiles tightly.

She only half believes that statement.

Because truthfully, she has no idea how she got here. How she managed to make it this far anyway. That realization hits her hard and fast and suddenly she doesn’t care that her eyes are stinging the same way Derek’s were a moment ago.

“I wish I remembered him better,” she admits, and her voice is notably thin.

Derek turns to her, his eyes filled with something Amelia can’t quite place.

“I feel like….” She continues, ignoring the way her voice wavers. “My idea of him comes from the pictures I’ve seen? If that makes sense? And I don’t have the actual memories anymore….I don’t….I wish I remembered what he was really like, you know? His voice, his mannerisms, everything-”

“I know what you mean.”

They exit the freeway, the car slowing at a stoplight as they enter the college town.

“You’re so like him in so many ways, Amelia.” Derek says it in a whispered tone, as they turn onto the main road. Like the comprehension is overwhelming to even him. “So….just like you said….don’t get rid of the good parts, okay?”

Amelia lets herself smile as she turns away from him, eyes scanning the surroundings of the town that will be her new home. The rain has died down significantly, and Amelia questions whether that’s an accurate observation, or if it’s just that they’re driving at a slower speed now.

“Okay,” she eventually responds.

“Are you okay?”

The question had come from Derek.

“Jesus Christ, you scared me,” Amelia had practically gasped upon slipping through the front door. She thought she’d been inconspicuous.

Derek stared at her expectantly.

“I’m fine,” she muttered, but she couldn’t stop her teeth from chattering.

“It’s pouring out. Did you walk?” There’d been criticism in his voice.

“You’d be more upset if I said I drove, right?”

“Amy.”

“Derek.”

They’d been at a standoff. In the middle of the entryway. Both of them seemingly unphased by the mix of mud and water that tracked all over their Mother’s favorite area rug.

Derek sighed. And Amelia stared at the floor. Unable to make eye contact, too aware that her eyes were hinted red and full of haze.

“Why didn’t you call me for a ride?”

“I didn’t know you’d still be here.” Her reply sounded bitter. But maybe it had just been the tightness in her jaw, the pressure from fighting off the wet and the cold.

There was a moment of stunned silence.

“You missed Dad’s birthday dinner.” Derek’s tone had been accusatory again.

“Dad missed it, too.”

“Amelia-”

She’d cut Derek off with a bizarrely edged laugh.

Their Dad’s birthday dinner. They’d celebrate every year as a family. They’d sit down and have dinner together. And Amelia ultimately despised it. Mostly because they’d started grouping it together with her own birthday celebration. Her birthday followed a week after their Dad’s. And it just served as another reminder. Another reason for displaced resentment.

Amelia bit down on her laugh, stunned. She’d be turning 16 the following week.

“Amelia.” He said it again, this time more cautionary.

She finally looked at him. And she could see genuine concern in his expression.

“Are you okay?” He asked for a second time.

All Amelia could do was nod.

“Are you on your way out?” She whispered the question.

And then it was Derek’s turn to nod.

“I just wanted to say goodbye before I took back off to school,” he explained. “And I wanted to tell you happy birthday.”

Amelia smirked coldly at him, and finally started moving towards the stairs.

“Bye, Derek.”

2 years later and they’ve yet to improve this part.

It’s a rushed goodbye. Like it usually is for them. They don’t do goodbyes very well. Maybe that had something to do with shared past experiences.

Derek helps her set up her dorm room and when there’s nothing left to do, a knowing shift occurs in the atmosphere.

He pulls his hands out of his pockets, and forces a smile on his face. And when he pulls her into a tight hug, it takes Amelia a moment to reciprocate the gesture.

But Derek just squeezes her tighter until she does.

“You’re going to love it here, Amy,” he mumbles, before pulling away.

And Amelia just nods. Not able to find her words.

Because they’re bad at goodbyes. Which Derek knows. So he lets her off the hook, backs out of the small room with one last glance in her direction.

And Amelia watches him go.

Amelia doesn’t love it here, right away.

She tries to. She really does.

She sits in the shared common areas and convinces herself that maybe she’ll step up and talk to someone today.

It’s strange. She’s an outgoing person. She could be the life of the party when she really wanted to. But, she sits now, textbooks open in front of her, glancing around the library at fellow students. And she feels worlds beyond them. She questions to herself how she can even feel years beyond people her own age.

And that’s the self-inquiry that ruins her plan. She gets way too inside her own head and it hinders any chance she has at trying today.

Instead she gets up, shoving her books into her bag and walking purposefully to the exit.

It’s when she reaches her dorm, that the rain starts. She can smell it first. The distinct way the air changes when it’s about to rain. It feels humid and thick and her skin starts to feel sticky before the cold front lightly passes over her, and it provides relief.

The sky gets dark and it starts to sprinkle, just as she climbs the steps of her building.

As she enters her room, a dark cloud of restlessness storms her mind. Because she doesn’t know what her next move is. What her plan is for the rest of the day.

She looks around the small room, eyes catching on a piece of paper that’s been slipped under her door.

She picks it up, and when she reads the words on the flyer, she wants to laugh to herself. Because it simply lists an address for a party later tonight. And she’s laughing because, is this really how college works?

She decides there’s no way she’s going to the party.

After 2 hours of staring at the ugly off-white paneling of her dorm room ceiling, Amelia sits up in bed.

Because there’s a hint of it. A fleeting thought. A question that flashes through her mind almost too quickly to even divulge in.

But it’s there. The question of ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’

It’s enough to make her get out of bed. Which is confusing, to say the least. Because she hadn’t anticipated spending her evening this way. But now she’s pulling open her dresser drawers, trying to find something to wear. And she’s glancing at herself in the mirror, reaching for her makeup bag at the same time.

The last thing she remembers thinking, when she exits her dorm room is, what’s the worst that could happen?

The worst that could happen, happens almost right away.

It takes place in the form of ‘jungle juice.’

“It’s called jungle juice!”

Amelia stares blankly at the frat boy in front of her. She’s standing way too close to the bouncing speakers and the music is way too loud.

“What?!”

“Jungle juice!” He yells again, “Basically everyone brings a fifth of something and it all gets poured in there! It’s disgusting, but it makes for a dangerous concoction! Want me to grab you a cup?”

Amelia shakes her head. She doesn’t know what she was thinking.

Well, that’s not entirely true. She was thinking that she had to at least try. Give a shot at relating to people her age.

She surveys the boy in front of her. He’s attractive. Jet black hair, green eyes and even a slightly alternative vibe to him. It surprises Amelia, considering she’s in a frat house. He seems unexpected. And maybe her type. She’d probably go for him, if she wasn’t currently so inside her own head about it.

She feels her nails dig lightly into the palms of her hands as she drops her arms to the side, and she immediately catches herself. She exhales, trying to relax.

“I’ll grab something else, probably!” she yells back to the boy patiently standing in front of her.

Patiently, she thinks. Because she’s already a step ahead of him, labeling him, and she knows she’s someone that requires patience in events like these.

She shifts her eyes away from him, instead looking to the tiny window in the corner of the crowded room. It’s raining outside. Drops of condensation race against the glass in a familiar motion.

A feeling swells in her chest that’s hard to ignore. There’s a strong desire to escape her current environment and it practically makes her want to crawl out of her skin.

“I’m not supposed to be here!” She shouts over the music, turning back to the conversation.

“Huh?!”

“It’s raining!” She’s an octave louder this time.

“Yeah! It’s good we’re inside, right?!”

Amelia shakes her head, stepping away. Ignoring the confusion on the boy’s face, she turns on her heels, pushing through the crowd until she can find an exit. When she finally makes it out onto the less crowded porch, she lets out a huge exhale.

She keeps waking. The sun is setting, and the impending storm makes the sky a glorious shade of violet.

The rain pelts her skin as she walks hastily through the campus and although it provides relief, there’s also a sense of something else. It’s almost yearning. Or maybe homesickness. But it doesn’t make sense, because she’s never craved home before.

She thinks she’s crying. She can’t really tell. It’s hard to separate the rain from any potential saltiness that threatens her cheeks. The only thing that gives her away is her labored breathing.

She’s overwhelmed. And for once in her life she wishes Derek were here. He’d know the right thing to say.

Her thoughts are interrupted when a figure passes her on her left. It’s sudden. She doesn’t anticipate it and she doesn’t hear anyone approach, mostly because her thoughts are so loud and there’s thunder starting to rumble through the sky.

“Fuck,” she gasps, hand clutching her chest as the stranger passes her.

He’s running, but he slows his jog after she voices her alarm.

He turns around, taking in Amelia’s startled expression.

“Oh, sorry!” His own surprised guise shifts quickly to one of concern, though.

“Are you okay?” He asks, voice raised to compensate for the rain as he calls out to her.

Amelia nods.

“You just scared me, is all,” she shrugs.

He looks her up and down, but Amelia doesn’t even feel scrutinized by it.

He steps towards her. And Amelia finds her voice.

“Out for a run?” She’s surprised by her own curiosity.

He shakes his head as he approaches. “I was walking back from the library,” he points to the sky, in an obvious gesture. “And then it started raining….and I started running….”

Amelia feels a smile break across her face, the dimpled kind. Because there’s something about the way he looks up at the sky while he explains himself, that amuses her.

He turns to her, and he has a wide grin on his face as he catches his breath from running. Not wide in the way that he’s smiling hugely, or anything. But Amelia can tell that his typical smile just happens to stretch that far. It makes her own smile further.

“You heading to north hall?”

Amelia nods.

“I live there, too!” He exclaims. “Food sucks but we have the biggest closets out of all the dorms on the entire campus.”

Amelia raises her eyebrows at this.

“Am I….bothering you?” His grin quickly fades. “God, I didn’t mean to just start….walking with you. Sorry, shit. You must think I’m some sort of-”

“You can walk with me,” she bites down on another smile. Because it’s the most she’s smiled in weeks and it feels foreign to her. “It’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” she peeks sideways at him. “As long as we don’t have to start running,” she adds with a laugh.

His smile returns. And they keep waking. The rain starts to die down a bit, but Amelia questions whether she’s imagined that. She can see the rain. And maybe she can hear it, too. But she can’t really feel it. Her focus has shifted.

“I’m Amelia, by the way.”

“Amelia?” He repeats her name, and there’s a spark of interest in his inflection, like he’s really doing his best to store that information.

She nods.

They reach north hall. The rain has come to a complete halt, and Amelia thinks it would almost feel sunny, if the sun hadn’t already set.

“It’s nice to meet you, Amelia. I’m Link.”

_______

#amelia shepherd #derek shepherd #atticus lincoln #amelink #i feel like. this might have potential for a pt 2 but WHO KNOWS #amelink fanfic #amelinkfic #amelia x link #amelia x derek #greys anatomy fanfic #greys anatomy fic #grey's anatomy fanfic #grey's anatomy fic #my writing #amelinkfanfiction #grey’s anatomy #grey’s abc

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softasawhisper · 2 years

Text

Thanks for the tag @imwritesometimes youre a sweetiepie

rules: tag a few people you want to know better; make a new post, don’t reblog!

favorite color: various shades of blue/mint/teal. Tiffany blue maybe?

currently reading: I have been bookmarking things to read on ao3 but I'm not reading anything at this exact moment.

last song: Melt by Shaed

last movie: I rewatched a bit of No Way Home

last series: Last one I watched all the way through was OFMD. Afterwards I watched the first episode of 0ver the Gardən Wall but I wasn't feeling it so I'm not going to finish it

sweet, spicy, or savory: Sweet mostly never spicy

coffee or tea: never coffee. I rarely drink tea either and if I do it's a bottle of vanilla chai tea from b0lthouse. (I've cut out caffeine so I don't even drink soda anymore, and haven't for about ehhh two years or so?)

three ships: MattF0ggy is my main squeeze. I'm not sure how to rank other ships rn. I have so much love for my other ships that they;d all need to be in second place including my newer ships over this past year and all my old ships throughout the years that I've never stopped loving.

first ever ship: first ship I ever interacted in fandom life with was Frodo and Sam... but I think my first was probably Basil and Dawson, which sparked my love for,and shipping of,variations of Sherlock and Watson. I remember watching the movie when i was a very tiny child and being like OH THOSE MICE ARE IN LOVE! I've never done anything about that particular ship but rewatch the movie and coo over them. lol

currently working on: I've been thinking of making more mattf0ggy edits but I've been feeling self conscious about my edits more than usual lately, so I'm not sure when this will happen.

favorite piece of clothing: tbh my favorite articles of clothing are a few dresses that I own but haven't worn for one reason or another lol. All my favorite clothes I DO wear going out are black fandom tshirts and black jeans. fave clothes to wear at home are cotton shirts that are multiple sizes too large and cotton gym shorts.

comfort food: If i can stomach it I love gyros and baklava. Also, can't go wrong with a chocolate chunk cookie.

favorite time of year: I suppose spring. its not chilly anymore and the hurricanes aren't lurking yet

fav fanfiction: I really cant answer this I have so many fics bookmarked I couldn't possibly pick favorites, nor could I recall the titles off the top of my head. I have trouble remembering things I read sometimes. I remember bits and pieces that I love but then, unfortunately, cant always recall which story it was from. (though i do love Or forever hold your peace by wawalux i have it bookmarked to reread a bit of it before it ends )

zero pressure tags: @bettie-batty-bathory, @tabbystardust, @etherealwiitch @inkforhumanhands, @kamillahn @sometimes-i-talk-a-lot @highwarlockofphilly

#sorry for overthinking everything lol

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padsnprongs · 3 years

Text

The discovery

in which Sirius, Peter and James confront Remus about where exactly he goes each month

TW: panic attack, self deprecating thoughts, implied mentions of abuse but not really (idk if these actually need a tw but just bear these in mind when reading <3)

‘Where are they?’ Remus groaned.

Sighing, he turned his attention from his trunk to his bedside table, pulling open the drawer and rifling through, looking for his fluffy socks. ‘I know I left them in here!’

Although he would often get teased for it, ‘who wears socks to bed, Rem, that’s literally the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard’, Remus knew that ‘my feet get cold, okay, Sirius? Stop judging me.’

Just as his hand closed around a freshly folded pair of fluffy socks, a triumphant grin spreading across his face, he heard a small cough from behind him.

‘Um, Rem? Can we talk?’ a tentative voice asked.

Remus, looking up at the sound of his name, took in the sight before him: Sirius, Peter and James, his best mates, standing shoulder to shoulder, looking as if this was the last place they wanted to be.

Furrowing his brows, Remus answered, ‘Um, sure? What’s going on?’

The three of them glanced at each other, none, it seemed, wanting to start. Dread settled in Remus’ stomach as he wondered what had happened.

‘Spit it out. I wanna go to bed.’ Remus prompted.

Finally, James seemed to work up the courage to speak, and, taking a deep breath, he started, ‘Okay, there’s no beating around the bush here. We want to know where you go each month.’

Remus felt his stomach lurch in fear as he looked at each of his friends in turn, each face holding the same curious, yet worried, expression. Gathering his thoughts, he reminded himself that there was no way the conclusion they must have come to, was the truth.

So, he replied, ‘What do you mean? I already told you, I’m visiting my mum.’

‘Yeah, and we know you told us she’s ill, but… every single time, you come back looking just as sick as she apparently is.’ Peter piped up.

‘And you never talk about it outside of your visits. Plus, she seems perfectly fine in your letters from home. And, no offence, Rem, but you're not exactly the best liar; it is kinda obvious.’ James added.

And then Sirius chimed in, ‘At first we thought something… bad… was going on at home, and that was why you always look like you’ve got bruises and new scars when you come back each month, but you’re always going on about how much you love your parents, and it didn’t particularly make sense that you would keep going back.’

At this, Remus cut in, ‘What are you saying, guys?’ He paused, trying to collect himself, and then continued, ‘Everything’s fine at home. I don’t know what you’re going on about.’

‘I think you do.’ James raised his eyebrows. ‘We know everything’s fine at home now; it just didn’t seem right when we thought about it. But we don’t think you’re going home at all.’

Remus was panicking now. Here were the only three friends he’d ever had, mere inches away from discovering his secret. He couldn’t handle this. What was he thinking? It had been a terrible idea coming to Hogwarts in the first place. He should have known. Being around other people would never have worked. It was too risky for him to try to make friends and yet he had done it anyway, like a fool. But it was too late now. He was in too deep. Even though the three boys were complete idiots sometimes, and, frankly, quite annoying, he couldn’t imagine what he would do if he lost them. He never should have let himself get attached.

After a few seconds of silence, Sirius braved the waters, and cautiously looked up at Remus. ‘We’ve been thinking, and… Rem, it can’t be a coincidence that every month, when you disappear, it’s… it’s on a full moon.’

‘Tell us we’ve gone down the wrong path, and we’ll stop bothering you.’ James gently said, after Remus’ eyes widened. ‘But I don’t think we have, have we?’

Remus was too shocked to answer. All he could do was stand there, his jaw working desperately, his eyes frantically darting between each of his friends, all of whom he would now never see again. He stuttered for a moment, before giving up, hoping that they weren’t saying what he thought they were saying.

‘Remus,’ Peter asked softly, ‘are you a werewolf?’

Remus’ whole world tilted on its axis. The long-forgotten fluffy socks, which Remus had been, absent-mindedly, gripping onto for dear life, now dropped to the floor. As the three boys watched the socks hit the ground, realisation dawned in their eyes.

‘Oh, Rem…’ Sirius whispered, genuine concern spreading across his face.

But Remus couldn’t hear him. The blood had drained from his face as his head span like a hurricane. This is it. It’s over. I had a good run. I’ve got no choice but to leave, don’t I? They’ll tell everyone, and then the gig’s up. No one wants to go to school with a monster. Their parents’ll probably write to Dumbledore. Better for me to just go home now, before everyone starts complaining. I guess I’m being home-schooled again. I wonder what Mum’ll say.

The thoughts flew around his mind, brewing like a storm cloud. But there was one in particular that sliced through the storm like a shard of glass. I was the happiest I’ve ever been with you. He couldn’t remember ever smiling so much before he had come to Hogwarts. Even his own father hardly looked at him anymore. But that didn’t matter, because he had found a new family in these three boys, who were standing before him and shifting their feet uncomfortably. He genuinely looked forward to waking up each day, just because he knew he got to spend it with them.

But even that had been snatched away from him; his fate would never change. He was destined to be alone forever. The sooner he accepted that, the sooner he could move on. He had had no business inserting himself into these boys’ lives and calling himself their friend. Soon they would shut him out, just like everyone else had.

He barely registered the looks of uneasiness that passed between his friends. Former friends, he reminded himself. They won’t even be able to look me in the eye now. Why on earth would they want to be friends with me?

They’ll never see me again now anyway.

I’ll never see them again.

This is it.

It’s over.

As the realness of the situation hit, Remus stumbled backwards, as the room span around him, until he hit a wall. Gasping for breath, he brought himself back to the present, and his back slid down the wall until somehow, he was sitting on the floor. He drew his knees up to his chest, and buried his face in them, tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t notice the three boys sinking down to the floor with him, until he felt a hand on his shoulder, which he automatically flinched away from.

‘Shit, Rem… I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ James seemed genuinely concerned.

No. Why would he be concerned? He’s only asking me that cause if I have a heart attack right here, which seems pretty damn likely, they’ll all feel responsible.

James’ question didn’t even process in Remus’ brain, which was desperately trying to slow down and stop spinning; the world still seemed to be tilting, and he was getting dizzy.

Suddenly, everything seemed to kick in more, and as Remus tried to take in a deep breath, the air caught, and he found himself fighting for oxygen. He was full-on sobbing at this point, which he normally never would have been doing in front of people; however, at the moment, everything around him had blacked out, and he couldn’t seem to think clearly.

It wasn’t until someone to his left enveloped him in a hug, rubbing circles into his back and whispering soothing words in his ear, it’s okay, Rem… we’re here… we’re not going anywhere… breathe in through your nose… and then out through your mouth… that’s it… you’re okay… you’re here… everything will be okay…, that he managed to finally suck in some air.

Gradually, everything slowed down; the room stopped spinning, his mind stopped racing, and his vision seemed to clear. Blinking feverishly, he took in three faces staring at him, eyes wide and panicked, hands unsure where to place, legs awkwardly crossed beneath them as they tried to comfort Remus.

Sirius was still rubbing soothing circles on his back, and eventually, he felt his heart rate slow down.

As his mind cleared, he realised just how serious this was. If this got out, which it undoubtedly would, he would have to be completely cut off from society. He had known it was only a matter of time before his dormmates found out, but he thought he had longer. He thought he would have more time.

Looking up at the concerned faces before them, he took a deep breath and mustered up the courage to say, in as indifferent a voice as he could muster when he had just had a very public panic attack, ‘So, I guess the secret’s out. I’ll start packing my things then.’ He couldn’t bring himself to meet their eyes and try to gauge their reactions; he already knew that they would be filled with relief at the prospect of not having to share a dorm with a monster any longer.

Just as he was pulling away from Sirius and leaning onto his heels to stand up, he felt a hand on his knee.

‘And why on earth would you be doing that?’ Peter asked, his hand holding Remus in place.

Remus raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, it would be better for me to get ahead of this. So, I’ll leave now before everyone finds out and makes me leave anyway.’

‘What makes you think everyone’ll find out? We’re not gonna tell anyone if that’s what you’re worried about.’ James said, with a tilt of his head.

‘Yeah, we don’t care that you’re a werewolf. We just wanna make sure you’re okay.’ Sirius piped up.

Remus looked at the three of them in turn, his mind filled with suspicion, before narrowing his eyes. ‘No. There’s a catch. There’s always a catch. No one’s just okay with something like this.’

‘Well, we are. Come on, Rem, we’ve known you for, what, three years now? You really think this changes how we think of you? You really think we would out you to everyone?’ Sirius’ expression was steely and defensive, but his eyes held hints of hurt.

‘Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I think, actually. There’s no way you’re not gonna look at me differently. Everyone does. No, it’s better for me to leave. It’s not like you guys actually care about me all that much, so-’

‘Seriously? We “don’t care” about you? And that’s why we’re sat on the floor with you, is it?’ James shot back.

‘Yeah, Rem, the floor is literally made of stone. My arse is bloody freezing.’ Peter complained.

‘Not where I was going with that, but you’re not wrong, Pete. Listen, Remus. Of course we care about you. The whole reason we found out about this was because we were worried about you. Every single month, you leave for the night, and come back in the morning with bruises and fresh scars. Did you really think we wouldn’t notice? Remus, you’re literally our best friend. This doesn’t change the way we think of you at all. And it’s shitty that you immediately assume it would, and that needs to change. But we can’t help you until you let us in.’ James’ eyes were full of sincerity, and Remus almost found himself believing what he said.

‘And that goes for all of us, Remus. Let us help you.’ Sirius gripped his hand as he spoke, squeezing it tightly.

Remus looked around at his friends sitting before him, at the earnestness on their faces, and finally, at his hand, intertwined with Sirius’.

Slowly, he nodded, and his next word came out in a whisper, his voice cracking.

‘Okay.’

Bonus:

‘Ok, I know we’re like, having a moment here, but, like, seriously, Remus? Did you really think we’d be scared of you? You fold your socks, for Christ’s sake. You’re literally the least scary person I know!’ For emphasis, Peter groped around for the abandoned folded fluffy socks, holding them up to eye-level as he spoke.

‘Actually, I have to disagree, Pete. I think he’s absolutely terrifying. This one time, I saw him folding his dirty washing. It’s gonna get crumpled up anyway! Scared me shitless.’ Sirius joked, looking up at Remus with eyes full of mirth.

James hummed in agreement. ‘Going back to what Peter said, though, I can’t believe you thought that? If anything, I’m more scared of Dorcas than I am of you, and that’s saying something, because she’s a literal human teddy bear.’

Remus shook his head as he chuckled. ‘Shut up,you guys.’

AN: okay so i just wanna thank you if you read this far!! also im not particularly happy with how this turned out but i promise myself id post it today lol but any constructive criticism or literally anything would be much appreciated!! ok that's it lol have a nice day <3

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icarus-suraki · 3 years

Note

For ye olde ask game, if you so please, I kindly request: white boards, sunflower, boots, loud, picnic baskets.

whiteboards: old book smell or new book smell?

I know a lot of the Dark Macademia fans here on the tumblrs dot com like to romanticize Old Book Smell and talk about how it's chemically similar to vanilla and blah blah blah but for me? New book smell.

In particular, back in the 1990s, Viz was just starting to publish translated manga. Magic Knight Rayearth was one, as were X/1999 and Battle Angel Alita. They were a little bigger than the current TokyoPop format (and definitely bigger compared to the Sailor Moon translations being put out at the same time as "pocket manga" though those were much closer in size to the original tankobon). And these Viz manga smelled delicious.

I don't know if it was the ink, the glue, the cardboard, the paper--I suspect the glue, to be honest--but they smelled so good.

The bindings were absolute shit though, lmao. I was borrowing my friend's copies of MKR and the third volume just collapsed as I was reading it. (I felt so bad I actually bought her a new copy.)

But for all the shit bindings, oh my gosh, those old 1990s Viz manga smelled so good...

sunflower: what makes you nostalgic?

What doesn't make me nostalgic? I'm weak to nostalgia.

Songs, weather, places, certain angles of light, particular books, colors, merry-go-rounds, that "school" smell in certain stairwells, temperatures, beaded daisy necklaces, photos, commercials (I'm not ashamed)...

I have a lot of anxiety and a lot of anxiety about the future in particular. I've said before that when I was 4 and my birthday was coming up again soon, I declared that I wasn't going to turn 5. I was pretty content with things as they were, but apparently contentedness isn't allowed on this bitch of an earth. So I'm forever looking backwards at things because the future just seems dark. Even miserable times in my past seem brighter than the future. 9th grade sucked, but a 90s-style dress covered with printed sunflowers makes me miss those times all the same. It makes no sense.

I wish I could transmute this so that I can say that I'll someday be nostalgic about what's yet to come but I haven't quite managed that yet. And that sometimes seems a bit bleak: how bad will things be then that I'd be nostalgic about today?

At the same time, I know I'll feel nostalgic about this current time, being in-between jobs and being very free to set my own schedule and just taking time to heal.

I always think that nostalgia makes me sad, but maybe it's feeling sad that makes me nostalgic. (Or maybe it's just that change is hard.)

boots: what was your favorite show as a kid?

It kind of depends on my age but if it's Muppet-related then I loved it. Sesame Street, Muppet Babies, Muppet movies... All of them.

So I'll go with Muppet Babies for this one because that's one I remember it so well and liked it so much. It was my Saturday Morning cartoon.

Additional favorites include The Get Along Gang, the original (and still the best) My Little Pony, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, and the DIC dub of Sailor Moon.

loud: shells or sea glass?

This is a tough one because shells are nice, shells are common, shells are like flowers: there's always another one right there and it's just as good if not better than the one you just picked up. I'd just about rip the pockets of my shorts when I went to the beach with my family because I'd pick up so many lol. We were out at the beach one year when there was a hurricane way out at sea (so we didn't have to evacuate) and all these unusual shells came washing up. It was the first time I'd found a real scotch bonnet shell (broken, but still very real).

But sea glass is kind of magic, you have to admit: it's rarer, it's stranger. You have to look longer and more carefully to find it. It's more of a hunt than a gather.

I like shells because I was kind of a junior naturalist growing up but I think I've matured into liking sea glass a bit more. I think I can appreciate the rarity and the challenge of finding it a little more now that I'm older.

picnic baskets: what’s your favorite picture book?

That's easy: it has to be Saint George and the Dragon by Margaret Hodges (based on The Faerie Queene) and illustrated by Trina Schart Hyman.

I love this book. I have a copy and the dust jacket is all tattered. I had it read to me, read it myself, took it to school for show-and-tell, studied the illustrations, and surprised an English professor when I dropped details from The Faerie Queene just because I knew that picture book inside and out.

It's the illustrations that really make the book. Seriously, if you've never seen them, please go hit up Google images. I love Trina Schart Hyman's illustrations and these are some of my absolute favorites. The back cover is a self-portrait of her as a Medieval illuminator or scribe and the whole image is just kind of how I wish my life was.

Funky asks!

#ask game #ask me things #anon is on

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encyclopika · 3 years

Text

Animal Crossing Fish Explained - Habitats #2

Brought to you by a marine biologist who lives in the Westerlies...

CLICK HERE FOR THE AC FISH EXPLAINED MASTERPOST!

The habitat we’ll be doing today is more broadly known as the Neritic Zone, also known as the continental shelf, nearshore, etc etc. This tank in particular is most definitely a temperate, nearshore habitat, with lots of light and structure for a very vibrant ecosystem that experiences seasonal changes in nutrients and temperature. So, let’s get to it:

~~~Nearshore~~~

There’s so much to cover here. Because I live right on top of the nearshore habitat (on an island), most of my marine biology studies went towards understanding this habitat. This is where most fishing practices happen. This is where the most diverse habitats are in the ocean. This is the habitat that sees the most change. There’s a lot to understand.

But let’s talk about the Westerlies and winds in general. Wind is very important to the surface habitats because it dictates temperature, currents, and nutrients. Major wind systems are generated by temperature differences in the atmosphere and the Coriolis effect from the Earth’s rotation. As sun strikes the Earth directly at the equator, hot air circulates across the globe, as shown in this great diagram:

By KVDP - Own work, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=8158719

The North and South trade winds (so named because they aided wind-powered trade ships across the oceans, from east to the New World in the west) flow from east to west due to the Earth’s rotation. Likewise, the Polar Vortexes at the poles also flow this way. The winds stuck in the middle are deflected eastward from the west, making them The Westerlies. Because of this constant flow, weather patterns, especially that of hurricanes and cyclones, become predictable - hurricanes travel from the coast of Africa west to the Americas, for example. Sometimes, you’ll see a hurricane get swept from the Americas back east towards Europe - that’s the hurricane basically getting handed off into the Westerly current and moving east.

The Westerlies get stronger as the Polar Vortex gets stronger and vice versa. In the winter, the Polar Vortex is at its strongest, and so are the Westerlies. These strong winds bring storms that mix up the ocean water and stir up nutrients. (Here in the Northeast, we get almost-hurricanes called Nor’Easters in the winter...they bring a ton of snow, wind, and they can be pretty scary.) When things start calming down in the Spring, and the days start getting longer, this combination of new, available nutrients and more light spark the Spring Bloom.

Image courtesy the SeaWiFS Project, NASA/Goddard Space Flight Center, and ORBIMAGE (Northeast USA and Canadian coast. Dark red indicates really concentrated blooms of phytoplankton. I absolutely love how that big red plume off South Massachusetts is right where Georges Bank is, one of the most productive habitats in the temperate nearshore biome - it’s famous as a prime fishing ground. What I love about marine biology is how easy it is to see these patterns and connections in action!)

NASA image courtesy Jeff Schmaltz, MODIS Rapid Response Team at NASA GSFC.(Actual image of a phytoplankton bloom off the coast of Iceland.)

The spring bloom doesn’t last forever. Eventually the phytoplankton exhaust the nutrients that were stirred up in the water. Now it’s time for a population boom of zooplankton, particularly copepods that feed on the phytoplankton. Once their numbers are up, it’s time for fish larvae to take advantage of the buffet and have their first meals. If everything is timed perfectly, you get a great cohort of many of the fish species we humans rely on, like Atlantic Cod. It would be a terrible shame if something were to disrupt this perfect balance of growth and renewal in the Westerlies! *cough cough* climate change *cough cough*

Anyway.

The temperate biome also has a lot of bottom habitat - from sandy shores to rocky habitat, seagrass and algae meadows, and oyster reefs...

Here are the animals in the Temperate Biome tank in ACNH (and I’m kinda pissed the Lobster isn’t in this tank :T ):

Sea Bass :: Zebra Turkeyfish :: Abalone :: Red Snapper :: Dab :: Olive Flounder :: Acorn Barnacle :: Gazami Crab :: Octopus :: Ray :: Squid :: Moray Eel :: Sea Pineapple :: Saw Shark :: Hammerhead Shark :: Pufferfish :: Seahorse :: Barred Knifejaw :: Seaweed :: Oyster :: Dungeness Crab :: Sea Star :: Turban Shell

And there you have it. Fascinating stuff, no?

#ocean #ocean habitats #animals #animal crossing #animal crossing new horizons #fish #wind #nearshore #science in video games #animal crossing fish explained

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ink-feathers-and-paper · 3 years

Text

Accepting help

Original Work: The Hurricane

The characters and the story belong to me.

Prompt: Sicktemper 2021 - prompt 23) Ear infection

Number of words: 3458 words

Notes: yeah, I know, it's not September 23 yet but I never do the prompts in the right order anyway... and I didn't want to wait to post it.

Oh, and English isn't my first language, so if there are any mistakes please tell me!

...

Blue was blind. She lost one eye to illness as a child, the other in battle. That wasn’t a fatality in itself. In fact, she didn’t really care about it, she was living fine without sight. She relied on her other senses to hear, smell, taste and feel the world around her. It was how she lived the world, her way, and it was perfect as it was, she didn’t need an extra sense.

Especially when losing her sight meant that she gained so, so much more.

And, oh, wasn’t magic a wonderful thing, letting her feel the presence of everything and everyone around her? From the smallest ant to the biggest of dragons, all had a presence that she could feel.

And that wasn’t all! She was linked to Earth – oh, her dear mother Earth that gave life to her and her people, created them from the back rocks and red sands of her Desert – and thus the ground itself, the one under her feet, was alive and singing to her, chanting for her, humming sweet nothings in her ears.

Yes, magic was wonderful, and Blue’s ears could hear it all and more.

So, when one day she couldn’t hear anything, she frowned.

What’s wrong? she asked, but she got no answer. Of course. The Earth may be alive and sentient, She still was nothing but earth. With no way to hear Blue’s prayer, no way to answer her. Blue could, but She could not.

Perhaps She is just moody today, though Blue with a shrug. It happened sometimes, that magic didn’t want to be seen, heard of felt in any manner. It didn’t make Blue’s life any easier, but she could deal with it.

It never lasted anyway.

Her right ear – the one that was burned – was hurting, but perhaps she just wasn’t used to silence.

Or perhaps the foxes are playing? supposed the young woman a few days later. The magic was still silent, and Blue was getting antsy. Young kitsune foxes fed on the ambient magic and sometimes took a little bit too much.

But she couldn’t feel them anywhere. Where they were usually stood a beacon of magic, in the shape of a fox. Yet she couldn’t hear them anywhere.

They must be gone, they realised they took too much from this place and left to feed elsewhere. They will be back when the magic will be fully replenished.

Still, she missed her companions.

Using magic was getting harder and harder, more tiring each time. It felt like most of it wanted to pool in her head, near her ears, but she needed it elsewhere, so she steeled herself and made it bow to her will.

Days passed, and still nothing. Blue’s other ear was hurting too now, she was tired. Even the smallest of spells took a lot out of her and oh, what if she was losing her magic? – that would explain so much!

(Blue was scared.

She didn’t know what she would do if she lost her magic. Losing her sight was nothing in comparison to what it would mean for her.

Losing her magic would destroy her like nothing ever did before

And she wasn’t sure she could get back up from something like that.)

“Okay, are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?” asked Youko.

Her friend sounded worried, but her voice was faint as if she were talking from all the way across the room and not sitting just beside her.

“Oh, hi. When did you come back from your mission?”

Her hair still smelled like the sea, like iodine and warm sand. Even a princess like Youko had to do her part in the reconstruction of the Empire. Especially Youko, actually.

“Last night. I wanted to see you, but I was so exhausted, I just collapsed on my bed. Thank goodness I managed to change and shower, Arashi would never let me live it down otherwise.”

Blue giggled. Arashi once came back from a mission so exhausted that he had fallen asleep in his bed, dirty boots, and bloody clothes and all. When the redhead had woken up, he had been horrified to discover that he had brought bedbugs back from his mission. It had taken him a month to fully get rid of them.

Of course, Youko had found this hilarious, and Arashi had been looking for revenge material ever since.

“But, hey, enough about me. Are you okay? You look sick.”

And, if she were being honest, Blue felt sick, too. But it couldn’t be that, her magic protected her.

“I’m fine, I just… didn’t know you were back.”

“You didn’t?”

Blue could imagine her expression, all right. She had seen it so many times before, when one of their friends got injured and didn’t tell her. Wide coppery bronze eyes lighting up in worry and anger and why didn’t you tell me sooner, you bloody idiot?!

(Why do I have to fucking guess when you are injured? I am the team medic for a reason, for fuck’s sake! Come to me!)

“I’m tired,” deflected Blue. “I overexerted myself, I think.”

“… then what are you doing out of bed?!”

Blue didn’t have a chance. Youko manhandled her onto her shoulder (darn, her friend was so strong for a so-called healer!) and carried her potato-bag-style to her room despite Blue’s protests. They grew weaker and weaker as laughter shook her shoulders and the woman resigned herself.

Youko kicked the door of her apartment open with more force than necessary and dropped her captive on the bed. “Phew, you’re heavy! You should exercise more.” Blue protested as she tried to get up but Youko kept a firm hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t you dare move, you hear me? I’m coming right back.”

“I have duties!” protested the dark-skinned woman, fighting the hand that pinned her to the bed. “I can’t just drop them all like that.”

“Sure you can. Bedrest, doctor’s order. Don’t make me use my authority as a princess on you, Blue.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“Watch me.” Her friend’s voice got softer as a hand gingerly brushed over Blue’s tightly curled hair. “You are not alone in this, you know this, right? Let me take care of a few things for you. Everyone’s in town. My brothers, Arashi, Ankora… we can help too… if you’d just let us.”

Blue felt a wave of gratitude wash over her. She grabbed her friend’s hand and squeezed it.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and Youko softly kissed her forehead.

“Thanks for letting me take care of you.”

Exhaustion washed over the Mage, and Youko hadn’t even reached the door that she was already asleep.

The next time Blue woke up, she was in too much pain to ignore. She groaned as she tried to stand, but she felt dizzy. She had the mother of all headaches, her throat was dry, and her skin was warm and clammy.

Her ears held the worst of the pain, and when Blue lifted a hand to her head, she had to bite a pained gasp. Her right ear, in particular, was hot and wet under her touch, strange-smelling liquid oozing from it. The whole room smelled like it, actually, her pillow was soaked in it. Yuk. It didn’t look good

(Ha! Blind reference!)

She was sick. Sick. Had probably been for days. What an idiot, she admonished herself. Idiot, idiot, idiot!

And she didn’t realise, didn’t tell Youko.

Oh fuck.

Youko was going to murder her. Gleefully. She was going to cut her into pieces, stamp on them and then burn whatever remained. And she was going to dance on her ashes.

The dark-skinned woman tried to stand up, but her energy had abandoned her and she fell back on her bed with a pained moan.

Great. Couldn’t get up, nobody to hear her call from the corridor and no way to call for a servant either. Blue had requested – demanded actually, you could do that when you were best friends with the Imperial family – for no guards to stand at her door nor servants assigned to her room.

They would always treat her like a fragile thing as if she were made of glass. As if being blind hadn’t kept her from fighting in two bloody fucking wars, as if being blind made her inept to live for herself.

It infuriated her.

Well, in five years, it would be the first time she would regret that particular decision.

The woman sighed and tried to summon her magic. She could call for one of the foxes to deliver a message for her, or…

Her magic sizzled and snapped. Blue cried out, more from the surprise than the pain, and rolled off her bed and on her feet, all weakness forgotten.

She was a trained soldier, and if the last years had made go soft, some instincts were hard to kill.

She stood in her bedroom, raised elbows and ready to fight for her life. She strained her ears, but everything was muted. She tried to feel the earth under her bare feet, the vibrations of the air on her skin.

But there was no one in her room… or no one that she could find or sense. And considering how fucked up her senses were, she couldn’t fully trust what they told her.

“Show yourself!” she panted. She tried summoning magic once again, but her power reared up and snarled like a wild horse. Dread pooled in her gut. “What have you done to me?” she screeched.

The smell of illness cloyed the room and her nose, her ears were out of commission and her magic didn’t answer her.

For the first time in forever, Blue wished she could see. She wished she hadn’t been amputated from a sense, because it made her oh so dependent on the others and she couldn’t function without them.

She was fine without sight, but no sight and no hearing?

That would be the end of her world, chose one or the other, not both.

Weakness started to creep back in her, dizziness filled her head, and Blue fell on her knees.

“Blue!”

Arashi.

“Blue, what’s wrong! Your magic is all worked up!”

A hand on her forehead, a curse. The man scooped her up and Blue didn’t even think to protest.

“Fuck, you’re burning up. Hold on, okay? Hold on.”

Blue barely heard him. She fell in and out of consciousness as Arashi carried her to Youko’s apartments.

(They were closer to her rooms than the infirmary.

Oh, how many times did she end up there coming back from a mission or after a spell gone wrong?

How many evenings did their little group spent there, finally together after months apart, chatting and laughing in the night – forgetting everything but each other – until the sun rose and they had to prepare for yet another day of war?)

Blue could faintly smell medicinal herbs and remedies. She could hear Youko fuss over her, her skin smelling of lavender and her still-wet hair of tea tree. Long strands brushed over Blue’s bare skin, fresh and wet, and Blue sighed.

When she woke up, she was in Youko’s bed, surrounded by her smell and old books. A young kitsune fox was sleeping on the pillow next to her, its tail brushing over her arm repeatedly. It was still too young and weak to appear on the physical plane. It could only exist in the magical plane, for now, making it invisible to nearly anyone but her. Good, my magic sense is back.

It had probably been drawn to the buzz around her head, where the Healer was working her magic, her hands on Blue’s ears. Normal healing magic, that could only accelerate healing – not her battlefield one.

(The one that could reverse time on wounds and then re-apply them on enemies.

The one Youko had inherited from her mother, and now she was the only living being in the world who could use it.

The one that nearly took Youko’s life.)

Blue still opened her eyes when she woke, they weren’t sealed shut by injuries after all. Youko had done a great job at healing the burn on her face, she just couldn't save the eye.

“Oh, good, you’re awake. How do you feel?”

“Awful,” Blue croaked. Her friend laughed.

“I can guess. You had quite a high fever, you’ve slept the whole day off! Didn’t even wake up, just grumbled something as I healed you and immediately went to sleep. It’s early in the morning if you wanna know. Arashi brought you yesterday night.”

“Oh.”

So much work to catch up on! cried Blue in her mind.

“You have an ear infection.” Youko continued. “The right’s worse than the left, it started there. Your magic was completely focused on it, it tried to heal it but, well… it’s not your speciality for a reason. It helped slow the infection down, though. Blue… why didn’t you tell someone that you felt off? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Blue felt her throat tighten up. “I… didn’t realise, I guess. I was too caught up in my work, too… I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Sight. A hand in her hair, brushing it back, and Blue leaned into the hand. It was warm, it smelled of lavender under the sting of medicinal herbs and remedies.

“Headslut,” Youko teased, even though she was the same. “I’m gonna ask Ryuu to give you days off. You can’t keep going like that, Blue…”

The dark-skinned woman stood up on her elbows. Ryuu was the consort of the actual Empress of the Guryong Empire. He also was Youko’s older brother. He was in charge of the army and the safety of the Empire. His wife, more diplomatic, handled the politics.

“I can’t!” growled Blue. “You know I can’t, else I would’ve asked someone already. It’s just… I am the only one who can sense magic like I do, Youko. No one else can even begin to imagine what I feel, hear, taste, feel and, yes, see! I am the only one who can detangle those thousands of hundreds-year-old spells through the city and the Empire! I can’t stop ‘till it’s done because my work makes the matrix of spells unstable, and who knows how long it will last? I can’t just drop it like that.”

Youko hummed in answer. Her hands went straight back to Blue’s ears and she started healing again. Neither woman spoke for a while. Then, the Healer sighed.

“I am the only one who has inherited my mother’s power. I am tasked with keeping her legacy alive, her knowledge, her art alive. Did you know she had three full libraries of notes? As well as four labs, only two assistants that knew a tiny part of her projects and over ten ongoing experiments when she died. I had to pick that all up and, well, continue her work. She took some of her secrets with her to the grave, too, so each time I do something, I don’t know if I have all the information… and if it will explode in my face or not.”

“How many times did it explode in your face?”

Youko giggled. “More often than I’d care to admit,” she said. “My point is, we all have tasks that only us can do. And yet you don’t see us neglect ourselves. I try to finish my mother’s life work. Arashi’s the only ambassador we have that can get in contact with the Demon Realm. Soren’s head of intelligence, but now he’s also head of the council and has to give advice to Ryuu. Ryuu, Blue! Do you know how hard his skull is? You have to fucking hammer your point home for him to actually listen to you, and he’s doing better since our teenage years! How is that possible?!”

She stomped, throwing her hands around while she ranted. Blue laughed.

“You know, I think he’s doing it just to mess with you.”

“I know! That’s the worse part of it all, I know he’s just pretending, and I hate that he still manages to make me mad!”

“He’s your big brother, he’ll always be annoying.”

“He’s the absolute worst,” Youko grumbled, but Blue could hear the fondness in her voice. “There,” she added suddenly. “All healed up. But I’m keeping you there for another day, ‘else I don’t think you’re going to follow my orders.”

“Which are?”

Youko grabbed her face with two hands and rested her forehead against Blue’s. “Bedrest. Strict.”

“Hmph!”

“I’m nod kidding. I’m gonna stay in this chair, just next to you, to make sure you don’t leave this bed. And it sucks, because I can’t do my work here.”

They were in Youko’s bedroom, no one wanted her to blow this wing of the palace up. The mental image of a restless Youko, away from her labs and books made Blue laugh.

“Forced vacation for the both of us, then, I guess!” she teased. “Can’t be that bad.”

“Aaaargh! You know what, I take back what I said about Ryuu, you’re the worst.”

“Yep, that’s me, your oldest friend!” said Blue cheerfully. “You’re stuck with me until the end, deal with it!”

Youko whined as if she were dying, and Blue laughed. She had forgotten how good it felt to just hang out with a friend and not working beside one another. It felt like a breath of fresh air after a long time inside, a whiff of spring after a hard winter.

“Wait, I was in the middle of my lesson here, why did you interrupt me?” Youko suddenly slammed a hand on her forehead. “Nice diversion here, Blue,” she said with false venom. “Uuugh, I hate you, I don’t remember where I was now!”

“At the part where you are working on the projects your mother left behind.”

“Oh, yeah, right, thank you. I love you again.”

“Yuk!” Blue stuck her tongue out in disgust. “Thank you, but no thank you!”

“You’re impossible” the other deadpanned. “How am I friend with you again?”

“I struck sand in your eyes and you hit me with a book in retaliation.”

Youko teared up. “… fuck, and that’s my tamest friendship. I’m a lost cause, aren’t I?”

“Yep!” Blue popped the ‘p’ childishly. “But we can be lost causes together, so it’s alright.”

“Thank you. Oh, well, back to what I was saying. I hired more assistants, you know? Didn’t want to become stuck in my work as my mother was, I’d end up crazy. I needed help anyway. My point is… you don’t have to do this alone. You could, you know, teach someone.”

Blue blinked.

“Youko, I’m blind.”

“And? That’s never stopped you before, has it?”

“Losing my sight was what allowed me to start sensing magic as I do. My magic sense, it… I only obtained it because I had to develop all my senses to make up for blindness.”

“And your brain gives it the form of sight, I know.” finished Youko. “But that’s not what I was saying. Your students – if you take students, which I strongly recommend– they don’t have to see – sorry, sense – the world like you do, but if they can sense what you sense in their own way, then they could help you.”

It felt like a breeze on her skin, the smell of spring, the earth after rain. So many possibilities, so many opportunities. How did I not think of this sooner?!

Her friend was still piling up arguments to try and convince Blue to take apprentices, the dark-skinned woman lifted a hand to interrupt her.

“Youko, you’re a genius.”

“… I am?”

Blue hated that tiny voice, that doubt weaved in it, with a passion. Her friend was so intelligent, and yet she thought herself below average. If only she had not spent her life comparing herself to her siblings, perhaps she would have more confidence in herself.

“Of course you are. And you know what? I think it’s worth a shot.”

Youko gave a watery chuckle. “You’ll do it?”

“Yes. I’ll make a stop by the Academy at the end of the week, perhaps talk with the other Mages. They might know someone. But only if we start spending some more time together. It’s been too long since our group had a game night.”

Youko laughed. “Of course. First night tonight with Arashi and Ankora?”

“Oh yeah. I know the perfect game.”

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that you need help… and that it’s not the end of the world, Blue mused. And that it’s good to have friends. Now, let’s show ‘em who’s boss.

#The Hurricane #original story #original character #oc #sicktember2021 #ear infection #fiction #do not repost somewhere else (ask and credit!)#english #Original Work #sicktember #Original Work: The Hurricane

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princecharmingmendes · 4 years

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Heartstrings | Chapter XIV | Shawn Mendes

“ ‘It’s like a best friend, but more. It’s the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It’s someone who makes you a better person, well, actually they don’t make you a better person… you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you, and accepted you, and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens..you’ll always love them.’ - unknown”

“Shawn was a huge believer that the ‘soulmates’ situation’ was the most stupid thing on the planet, specially since it was such a rare thing to find someone with the same mark as you. He would do anything he could to prevent the so called 'destiny’ from happening, but could he?”

hi, this is the last chapter to this series and i'm so grateful to anyone who followed this story as it was in the building process, and i'm so happy with how it "came to life", so thank you so much. i have to shoutout to two people in particular or this wouldn't have turned out the way it did. first of all, i have to thank my bad boy anon for requesting this series on the first place and being so supportive, and also i have to thank @fanficshawn for helping me figuring this whole concept out. anyway, i hope you like it, and please give me some feedback.

new chapter of a Raul series coming soon

*Word Count: 4.8K+.

*Warnings: cursing, slight angst.

*Posted: June 18th, 2020.

-*-

Whenever I think things are going alright, everything seems to flip upside down. I can’t seriously follow Shawn’s mood swings, really. I know we’re in the middle of finals and his mom had a car crash, but Aaliyah called me to tell everything was fine and he simply disappeared for a whole week. I couldn’t find him anywhere on campus and I swear I tried being comprehensive, but I just can’t take it anymore, I’m done waiting for him to actually open up to me. And even though he got better last weekend, he got back to normal rather quickly. So I decided to study and ignore the hurricane that Shawn Mendes is on my life.

I took the tests and days flew by as I hoped to go home as soon as possible, I was exhausted and this whole semester was a mess, not for academic reasons, Shawn, and Tyler and then Shawn. Since when guys are the only thing causing trouble in my life?! I mean, that’s all they do, but I never put so much effort on them, so this is a bit frustrating. But when I left my class due to the fact that my tests were officially over and I was feeling so much lighter than I was before. Unfortunately, the light sensation was gone when I saw his jeep parked outside the building and his body leaning on it as he texted someone.

I felt my phone vibrating on my back pocket and I picked it up as I started walking away on the opposite direction he was standing. Pretty mature, running away from my problemas, I know, but what do you want me to do? There was a text from him saying he was waiting for me outside and that we needed to talk. I ignored it and then my phone started ringing and I had to pick it up.

“Hi?”

“Y/N, are you seriously running away from me?” Shawn’s voice echoed through the phone.

“I’m not”

“I’m literally looking at you looking over your shoulder”

“Well, I’m not the one who disappeared, am I?”

“That’s why we need to talk, I promised you I would explain everything, and that’s why I’m here, baby girl”

“Is that how you work?”

“What do you mean?”

“You simply vanish and suddenly you’re ready to talk?!” I know I sounded stupidly mad, but I had to be honest.

“I’m sorry, I can explain, I know it won’t change everything, but I’ll at least be honest” he said and I was able to hear his voice from behind me and not only from the speaker as he turned off the phone call.

I turned around, only to be met with a pair of those gorgeous honey eyes, that even though I was wanting so bad to punch him, the sight alone still made me weak on my knees.

“Why should I go with you? I think you’ve had enough chances”

“I know that, but again, I’ll ask you for one more, let me take you out, we can grab lunch and then pack, I can give you a ride home, please, Y/N, I’ll answer everything you want after lunch”

“You promise me that?”

“I do, can I take you with me?”

“Where are we going?”

“I can take you to the diner, the one from our first date”

“It was a fake date”

“Didn’t feel fake to me”

“It- You-“

“Come on, we can discuss this later, I know you’re hungry and you probably didn’t have breakfast nor dinner”

“How did you...?”

“I know you, Y/N, like the palm of my hand, now come on, burgers and fries and the guys are all waiting for us”

“Are they?”

“Yeah, it’s the end of the semester”

“Oh” Was all that left my mouth as Shawn extended his hand to me “let’s go then”

“Okay” he said as I grabbed his hand and interlaced our fingers, walking back to his car as he practically skipped his way back.

“How’s your mom by the way?”

“She’s fine, she’s at home”

“That’s awesome”

“Yeah” he answered and squeezed my hand softly “thank you”

I looked at him trying hard to hold back a smile, but it was impossible “Let’s not start this again, you were right, I’m starving!”

That was enough for Shawn to basically drag me chuckling to his car and I couldn’t hold back the laughter that bubbled from my throat. He was so excited to go grab lunch it was way too contagious, or maybe it’s because I was about to understand the whole situation and maybe be in peace with him. So the whole time we were in the car, he was basically beaming and jamming to his favorite songs as I tried not to die for laughing too hard. He parked two blocks from the diner cause it was filled with students and got out, as soon as my feet hit the ground, he was beside me, offering his arm like a true gentleman.

“Peace offering?” he tried with a grin and I just nodded giggling “I know this doesn’t mean I’m free, I don’t want to be free, I don’t want to be the reason you’re upset anymore, I just want you to enjoy today”

“Thank you, you are forgiven, for now at least, it’s a truce until you tell me everything”

“Works for me” he answered before placing a sweet kiss to my temple.

We entered the place and our table cheered as they saw us walking hand in hand and we just had to laugh. The guys hopped off the booth and left a spot for us both to sit in the corner against the wall, and Shawn didn’t resist the opportunity to pull me in. He rested his arm on the booth, just above my shoulder and I swear I had to hold back the need to just lean on his chest and relax after this stressful finals weeks. So instead of laying on him, I grabbed the menu to pick something up and Shawn poked my shoulder softly, which made me look at him and he was just smiling down at me which made me very confused at first, but then I heard Mel’s giggle from across the table and saw her holding her phone up at us.

“Come on, don’t pout at me, you two look way too cute for your own good” was all she used in her defense and I ended up just shrugging.

Everyone made their orders super quick cause apparently they’re all starving just like me, but even when the food arrived they kept on talking and cracking jokes all the time, which cause Brian to spill his soda through his nose. Somewhere between finishing my fries and milkshake, I felt Shawn’s arm falling around my shoulders casually, and since I didn’t do anything to shrug him off, he just kept it there, eventually pulling me closer, which led me to actually lean into him as the guys kept on talking.

Shawn looked down at me and placed a kiss on my forehead “Tired?”

“A bit, yeah”

“I can take you home”

“It’s okay, I’ll miss them anyway and my bags are already packed and my dorm is basically ready for me to leave”

“Oh, you can come nap in mine if you want, while I pack my stuff and then we can talk”

“Seems pretty good to me”

“We can even stop by at your dorm first, so you can pick up your stuff” Shawn offered as he played with some strings of my hair “Ian’s going home after lunch, so if you want to crash at my place and stay in his room, so we can leave tomorrow morning to be at home for lunch, you can”

“That’d be great, Mel’s probably going there to stay with Mike as well, right?”

“Mhmm, but they’ll both leave tonight”

“What are the love birds whispering about?” Brian chimed in.

“We are no-“

“It’s not worth it” I cut Shawn off by placing my hand on his cheek softly “we were just talking about packing and how we are going home tomorrow”

“But that’s not interesting”

“What did you expect, Brian? Them to tell you how they’re going to have sex all night long? Come on, they’re not you” Mel said rolling her eyes playfully at the red-haired boy.

“What do you mean ‘they’re not me’?”

“They’re not dumb” Mike replied and we all laughed as Brian seemed a bit too pissed to find it funny.

“Ha-ha as if you and Ian were a lot better”

“Everyone knows we are, dude!”

“Y/N! Help me out!”

I smirked at him and shrugged “Ugh, I wish I could, but I’m to busy whispering about my sex life with Shawn to help you” and with that the attention was back on the guys.

“Our sex life?” Shawn teased with a boyish grin on his lips as I rolled my eyes at him giggling softly.

“Shut uuup”

“Don’t blush, baby, it’s okay, you know you can talk to me about everything you want”

“I swear I’m not going back to yours tonight” I threatened and he only chuckled, placing a kiss to my hair.

“I’m only kidding, don’t need to get all flustered about it”

“Yeah yeah, fuck you”

“What a dirty mouth” he gasped and chuckled at my frown “I’m only teasing you, come on, don’t get upset”

“Whatever” I said rolling my eyes, but I couldn’t hold back a smile when he grabbed my face and kissed my cheek.

We spent a little while there just chatting and laughing until some of them needed to leave, so we decided it would be best if we left as well, apparently I was the only one with my stuff already packed. Shawn and I got to my place only to pick up my stuff and I took the opportunity to say goodbye to Mel and wish her happy holidays. But before I could leave, she pulled me into the room one more time in a bear hug as Shawn quietly left with my bags, telling me he would wait for me on his car.

“Mel, it’s literally just a couple of weeks”

“I know, I know, call me clingy or whatever, but I’ll miss you” she said with a frown and I laughed at her.

“Stop being silly, you won’t even have time to miss me! You’ll be spending Christmas with your new boy”

“Yeah, that’s pretty nice, right?”

“Yeah, and you said, back in August on the first few weeks, that you didn’t want anything serious”

“Guess you’ll never know, you didn’t know Shawn was your soulmate back then either”

“Is he really?”

“Dude, are you dumb or you’re just playing pretend? He’s clearly in love with you for ages, Y/N, he literally worships you, he’s just learning how to show it now”

“Are you sure? Maybe he was right, there is no such thing as soulmate”

“Sweetie, soulmates are simply two pieces that fit perfectly, they don’t have to be romantically involved, they’re just the other’s half”

“Mel...”

“Oh, come on, Y/N, here, I’ll read the definition for you”

“It’s not necessary”

“Shush for a second, thank you” Mel places her hand above my lips to keep me quiet “ha! found it! ‘It’s like a best friend, but more. It’s the one person in the world that knows you better than anyone else. It’s someone who makes you a better person, well, actually they don’t make you a better person… you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone who you carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you, and accepted you, and believed in you before anyone else did or when no one else would. And no matter what happens..you’ll always love them’”

“Aaand?”

“That’s you and Shawn, obviously”

“You’re reading way too many novels for your own good, Mel, and I’m the one who’s saying it”

“Fine, but when the both of you finally realize how special is the bond between you two, I’m going to be the one to tell you that I told you so”

“Okay” I shrugged giggling and she laughed in response.

“Now go, your man’s waiting downstairs”

“Okay, bye Mel” I said hugging her one more time.

We let each other go and she just grinned at me “Bye, bitch” So I took my backpack and phone and turned to leave, but before I could shut the door she added “Oh, you’re going to be completely alone tonight, so please do me a favor and use a condom”

I shut the door a bit harder than needed and I hear her laugh from inside the bedroom. I only shook my head, unable to contain the smile from blossoming on my lips as I walked away. Shawn was sitting patiently on the driver’s seat, looking down at his phone as I climbed up in his jeep. He locked the device as he looked up at me, starting the engine and starting to drive to his place.

“What are you laughing at?”

“Melissa, she’s just crazy”

“Took you a while to notice” he said with a chuckle and placing his hand, palm up, on the console.

“She’s just great at hiding it” I replied sarcastically as I laced our fingers.

He brought our hands to his lips, placing a soft kiss on the back of mine “Whatever you say”

The drive was short to his place, and I didn’t even picked up the bags, only grabbed my backpack that had all the stuff I needed for tonight and tomorrow morning and went with Shawn to his apartment. The place was filled with bags and backpacks, but apart from that, was the nicer it’s ever been during the semester. We didn’t stick longer downstairs, Shawn only grabbed two bottles of water for us and dragged me to his room, which was a complete war zone. He only took something’s off his bed and told me to get comfy to nap as he packed.

So that’s just what I did, I took off my shoes and placed my phone on the nightstand, laying down and watching as he started to go through his clothes and fold them not so nicely, and place them on his suitcase. I didn’t even noticed when I dozed off, but was really hard to keep myself awake with Shawn softly humming to some random song. I just noticed I was off, what felt like minutes later, when I felt someone calling me in a low tone and gently caressing my face waking me up. The first thing I saw was his honey eyes, then his body crouching down beside my side of the bed and then his perfectly aligned teeth in a beautiful smile.

“Hey” he mumbled softly.

“What time is it?” my voice sounded extremely groggy “how long was I out?”

“It’s almost 5:30, ordered us a pizza, hope you don’t mind” he replied standing straight “you slept for a bit more than an hour and a half”

“Oh shit” I let out as I ran a hand through my hair “I didn’t even noticed I was out til you woke me”

“You were sleeping pretty heavily, I felt bad for waking you up, but I was afraid if I let you sleep longer you wouldn’t be tired enough to sleep at night”

“No, you’re probably right, thank you” I said as I sat up, rubbing my eyes softly “Are you done with packing?”

“Yeah, I though that maybe if you wanted to talk... We could do it now”

“Oh, okay” I said crossing my legs and he sat down in front of me.

“This is not easy for me, so I’m going to ask you two things, okay?”

“Okay”

“First, I wouldn’t like things to change between us, it might take a while but I don’t want to loose you”

“You’re scaring me” I said with a nervous chuckle and he only smiled softly at me.

“I don’t intend to, I’m sorry, and the second one, I would like to say everything I have to say first, cause I don’t really know how to say this best, and I’ve practiced”

“Okay, sure” was all I could answer and I saw his cheeks getting pink.

Shawn took a deep breath and I placed my hand on his knee, and he only smiled at me as a response.

“You know I never really believed in soulmates and stuff, I just think it is a coincidence, right? And I even covered my birthmark that everyone teased me about with the swallow tattoo, to prevent myself from being stupid and looking for the same mark on others, cause for me this shit just wasn’t real. So when I found out, that you, the girl I had a massive crush on and my best friend and I shared the same birthmark, I completely lost my mind. I didn’t want to believe it was real, I didn’t even know if you thought of me that way. I was scared to death” he took a deep breath and I squeezed his knee gently.

He once again offered me a smile as he kept on going. “I didn’t want it to be real, didn’t want you to be my soulmate, I didn’t want to lose you, I wasn’t ready to be the one to ruin this amazing friendship we built during our whole lives, so my pretty dumb boy logic brain thought at first to ignore it, act like I never saw it before, and hell, I don’t know if it’s the soulmate/mark thing, if it’s God, if it’s C.I.A or, I don’t know, some greater love force, but every day we went through was getting harder to ignore my feelings for you and the itch sensation to just grab your pretty face and kiss you.

And then, my amazing ability to deal with feelings thought it was better to push you off than keep on falling harder for you, and I know, I was the worst to you and I’m so incredibly fucking sorry for ever treating you like that. You didn’t deserve it, and you also didn’t deserve being left in the dark, and I don’t even know how you found it in yourself to forgive me, but I’m so thankful for that. I felt like shit for ever making you sad and it literally hurt in me to see you less than happy, specially cause I knew it was my fault. And then the whole fake dating thing started and it was a mess. I was constantly jealous of Tyler, cause he’s an idiot who never deserved you and cause I really wanted you to myself. But I was completely torn between telling you everything and keep on pushing you away so I wouldn’t be the one hurting you more. Crazy, I know” he said with a ironic chuckle.

“Just a little bit” I mumbled softly and he shook his head with a smile.

“But since we started spending so much time together again, I just couldn’t keep on pushing you away, I had to be selfish and have you back on my life, and to be honest, since I first found out about our soulmate situation, that’s when I finally felt happy and relieved, when I had you around me again. And I even thought you were into me as well, hell, you kissed me, twice, and then I had to go on and ruin everything cause I got jealous over nothing, again” he said running his hands through his mop of curls, tugging at the roots “and then I was sure I fucked it all up and that you’re never going to look on my face again, and then there was my mum thing, and I couldn’t go to anybody else, I just showed up at your door without even noticing it, I am just always coming back to you.

You took care of me like no one else would, and that’s when I knew I couldn’t hold back anymore, I just needed you and I kissed you, and everything fell into place. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole day after that. And I know I disappeared for a week, I just didn’t want to see you and not explain everything you deserved to know about me, so it took me a while to get my shit together, but here I am”

He looked at me like he was staring at my soul and all I could do was hum in response.

“I thought you’d need some time to process it, so if you want me to leave I can go or if you have any questions you can ask me” he added softly and after a few minutes without any responses he started to get up to leave.

“Where are you going?” my question was barely a whisper, but he listened because he looked down at me with a frown.

“I’m leaving you to absorb it”

“No, don’t, don’t run away from me now”

“I’m not” he said sitting down again and reaching for my hands, that I promptly placed on his “I’m here now, Y/N, and I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to”

“Okay, so let me see if I get this straight” I started and he nodded with those big doe eyes “you were falling for me and freaked out when you found out we were potential soulmates, and decided to ignore it and push me away afraid of ruining our friendship?”

“Yeah”

“And then you decided it wasn’t the right thing to do and started hanging out with me again and noticed that you shouldn’t have done it on the first place without telling me anything? Your best friend?”

“I fucked up pretty badly, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did” I said and he sighed, closing his eyes that were already pretty glossy from the tears that started to form “hey, look at me, now I’m talking”

“Okay” he said sounding completely broken.

“You should’ve told me in the first place and we could’ve figured this whole thing out together, so neither of us would’ve suffered, cause even though you did hurt me, you also hurt yourself, and I know it wasn’t your intention to do it to neither of us. I know you never meant to hurt me, you were just doing what was better in your head for me, but here’s the thing, I’m the one that should decided what’s best for me, Shawn, okay? The whole problem here is...”

“That I’m an idiot?” he suggested.

“No, honey, well, a bit, yeah” I said and he let out a sad chuckle “but the main problem is miscommunication, we should’ve just talked to me, and this whole mess wouldn’t have happened”

He nodded looking down at our joined hands and I let go of them, only to cup his jaw and force him to look up at me “why were you scared of losing me? Or hurting me?”

“Me?” he asked and I nodded in response “I just- you’re perfect and I’m just Shawn”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked chuckling softly.

“Yeah, you’re the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, you’re good in everything you do, you’re the sweetest, kindest and most beautiful girl I’ve ever met and me? I’m just Shawn, the dumb boy, that never had a real serious relationship and that likes to party on his free time, I’m not enough for you”

“I’m not all of that, I’m flattered, really am, but I’m not that, Shawnie, and you, oh baby, you’re way more than that, yeah, you might have this bad boy with a frozen heart exterior, but in reality, you have the biggest heart and are the softest guy I’ve ever met”

“Only for you” he mumbled.

“And that’s honestly all that matters to me”

“Is it?”

“Yeah”

“Really?”

“Yes, Shawn” I said giggling softly.

“So what do we do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“With all this?”

“Well, we should communicate better”

“Okay, that’s on me”

“No, it’s on me too, if I told you I liked you way too long ago, this could’ve been avoided”

“You liked me?”

“Yeah”

“As in the past?” I only hummed in response and he nodded.

“And now I’m in love with you”

“You’re what?!”

“In love with you”

“You fell in love with me?! Out of all people?Just like I did with you?”

“Yep” I said popping the ‘p’ and he laughed.

“Well, maybe there is such thing as soulmates”

“Maybe” I giggled as he pulled into his arms, hugging me tight to his body.

“So what do we do with this?”

“We can go slow with this, just go with it and don’t hold back anymore”

We just sat there, in each other’s embrace for a while, letting the eventful evening sink in as he gripped at my shirt and I played with his soft curls. Maybe we had a rough start to whatever this is, but having him like this makes me so sure that this was all worth it, if that meant I would have him like this at the end of the day.

“This can’t be real” he mumbled after what felt like ages.

“But it is, very real” I replied sitting up straight properly on his lap and he cupped my face gently.

“Prove it” he smirked at me, great, the Shawn I knew is finally back, and I only laughed in response, leaning in closer and finally pressing my lips to his softly.

The kiss was slow and passionate, I guess we weren’t in rush, we were just exploring each other calmly after everything that happened and I couldn’t feel happier. He was still cupping my jaw and my fingers were lazily wrapped in his curls, just getting used to one another. But when I tugged at it a bit harder than before and he whimper lightly into my mouth was as if something shifted around us. The whole place seemed to lit up on fire and even though all humans need oxygen to breath, suddenly it wasn’t important to us anymore. His tongue ran on my bottom lip as I let him deepen the kiss.

He was carefully leaning in and making me lay back on his soft pillows as his tongue licked into my mouth, one of his hands running down my body, only to stop at my waist, giving it a rough squeeze, getting a soft moan in response from me. And that was all Shawn needed to encourage him to keep on going. He placed a few pecks on my lips as he trailed down to my jaw and neck with his open mouthed kisses that was literally making me roll my eyes back and tug harder on his soft locks. When he started nipping on my collar bone his phone rang.

“Oh shit” he mumbled into my neck, nuzzling his face on my neck and going back to his assault there.

“Shawn” what was supposed to come out as a normal sentence ended up a moan when he left what could only be a red mark on the column of my throat.

“Hm?” he hummed completely ignoring his phone.

“Someone’s calling you”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm” was all I could reply as he got back to my lips to kiss me all over again, living me completely dizzy, and almost making me forget about his phone.

“Let them” he mumbled before kissing me again, until I cupped his jaw and pushed him away softly making him whine in protest “I’m finally able to have you all to myself”

“And we have all night, baby, but you ordered pizza and I’m starving”

“Oh shit” he replied at the same time the doorbell rang making him groan in frustration.

“Go open the damn door, Mendes!” I said giggling and he got up to do it grumbling how mean I was, but still with a smile on his plump lips.

And I was there smiling to myself like the idiot I was, feeling my lips tingling and my whole body on fire. My phone buzzed from the nightstand and I reached to see who was texting me right now to ruin the moment, but it was only Shawn.

“Come downstairs, honey, the pizza’s here”

To Shawnie:

“I’m literally upstairs, you could’ve just called me, idiot”

From Shawnie:

“Nah-ah, don’t be rude to your boyfriend”

To Shawnie:

“Which boyfriend? I didn’t know I had one”

From Shawnie:

“Come downstairs and I’ll show you who’s you’re boyfriend”

To Shawnie:

“Nope, this bed is pretty comfy”

From Shawnie:

“Y/N, come on, baby, pretty please”

“Seriously, the pizza well get cold”

“Don’t make me go upstairs and pick you up”

“Y/N, I’m serious, if I go upstairs you’re going to be punished with tickles”

To Shawnie:

“Thought you couldn’t be rude to you girlfriend”

From Shawnie:

“Touché!”

“Now come here, baby, and I’ll make it worth it”

“Get your pretty ass downstairs”

To Shawnie:

“I’m coming”

It was all I could reply, still giggling like a teenage girl and I went downstairs, only to find him with our chat still open, writing down a reply I could never repeat out loud without turning myself into a blushing mess. But I’m not going to complain about it, I was happy, completely and utterly happy.

-*-

*Please reblog or like this post if you liked it so I’ll know.

*Thank you SO much for the love, guys, means the world to me!

*I’m sorry if there are any spelling mistakes.

*Please do not repost this without giving me the credit, this is a completely original piece and I do not give permission to copy this!

*Hope you guys enjoyed it! And thank you so much! See you soon 🙃

*xoxo

-🌙

let me know if you guys would like to be on a “taglist” for this series or anything else

and i’m sorry if i forgot anyone, please send me an ask or just comment down bellow!

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indestinatus · 4 years

Text

what the water gave me

for @alwaysziver who only sent me love and support since the day we met and whose comments never fail to inspire me - thank you.

*inspired by the line "You know I'll take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat" from the song Two by Sleeping At Last.

warning: mentions of anxiety.

AO3 link.

°°°

The water had turned colder than how she felt, and that really meant something.

Ziva watched her hair floating all around her, the fluidity of the movement slowing down her breathing to a numbing pattern. She felt everything out of focus, her puffy eyes making her vision too blurry to distinguish the tears already hidden amongst the cold filled bathtub. Her arms wrapped her knees as if in an attempt to contain how heavy her heart felt, how opaque, just like the gray water embracing her.

There certainly were days when the air was light. When the walls around her were comforting, not confining. When laughter reigned and she forgot what sadness felt like, for days, weeks even. There were times not even she could believe reality had been so kind to her, to had given her a second chance to live again.

But there were also days when the shadows were too present for her to ignore. The past was too bold, too strong.

The strangest things can conjure up the past.

This time it was the water.

There were two times in her life when water had practically saved her.

One had been the first shower she had taken after returning from Somalia, a lifetime ago. The water had cleaned the dirt from her skin, along with the mud from her heart. She will forever remember how blinding it was. To feel the sharp drops of water in her face again.

How raw. How freeing.

She had embraced death as a friend for months then, for what had felt like years, only to be reborn with the taste of cold water in her tongue, of salty tears and blessed laughter. Life had given her a chance of standing up again, even with a dozen new more figures now invariant shadows in the back of her mind. That water had saved her, but it also had made her sharper.

The water had given her another layer of armor for her to bear.

The second time it had been after she stopped running. After Sahar was finally gone and there was only the future to think about, only the thrill of happiness being finally in her reach. She never believed that she would experience that feeling again, of relief hugging her from the inside.

But then water washed away the past for her one more time and gave her yet another chance. Of seeing her family, of being with her family. Of having a family, perhaps for the first time in her life.

The water had taken away the heavy layer of armor she had worn all those years.

But now the water felt cold.

The longer she stayed in the bathtub, the further her mind dug into the past. What was supposed to be a common day, a relaxing shower, had turned into something deeper, into memories running loose through the cracks of her shield. Suddenly everything was made of shadows.

The water had brought everything to the surface, even if it was as still as her heart.

Anxiety makes any silence so loud.

Ziva stayed inside the bath, her fingertips already numb and her mind screaming things she wished she could've been forgotten. Her chest felt too tight, her body too small. Black clouded her vision and stung in her tongue.

Everything was darkness, cold engulfed her and was pulling her even closer. A storm of cloudy thoughts overlapped, creating a hurricane in her mind.

All she felt was black.

Then the sound of his breathing hit her ears.

And the world reappeared again.

°°°

Tony had been calling her name more times than he could count.

He knocked on the door to ask her what she wanted for dinner, but received only silence in return. And when it came to Ziva, silence could mean a lot of things.

And his gut somehow knew what this particular silence meant. It was the deafening kind.

Her name once again left his lips in a sharp intake of breath when he saw her in the bathtub, head rested in her forearms and body clearly shivering from the cold. She looked unbelievably small with all the gray water surrounding her, and fear instantly invaded his thoughts.

"Ziva," his muffled voice came into view the same time steady hands held her shoulders. She winced.

Tony squatted down to her level, wide eyes searching hers. Ziva knew him too well to avert his gaze, but she also knew he would see right through her. That was why she always hid these things from him.

He finally made her look at him, the truth slipping through the corner of her red eyes.

Sometimes armors fall apart.

Ziva saw his look soften almost imperceptibly. He nodded, a hand squeezing her shoulder. He watched her for a while. She was surprised that there was no pity. No, it was something else.

Understatement.

Tony said nothing as he stood up and took the drain out of the bathtub. Ziva stopped looking at him to stare at the water, slowly disappearing from view.

Washing away her memories, taking them with it.

Then she suddenly noticed she was shivering.

He must have noticed it as well, because she instantly felt a towel being wrapped around her shoulders.

But even with that, Ziva couldn't move. It was as if any fraction of movement would shatter everything, like her shield was now made of glass. Everything felt numb.

Again, Tony didn't utter a word as his arm circled the inside of her legs and the other supported her shoulders into his arms. Soon her face was at the crook of his neck and his scent invaded her senses, the smell of home making her feel even more fragile.

Once Ziva opened her eyes, she noticed the pool of water forming on his shoulder. She didn't notice she was crying, she-

"Don't. I will wet your clothes," she said almost in a whisper.

Is this what being vulnerable feels like?

"I couldn't care less about them right now."

He cradled her closer, putting her in his lap as they sat on the edge of the bed. Ziva noticed her hand was touching the back of his short hair, as if trying to grasp what was real.

She made him look at her.

"How?" said Ziva.

Tony only waited, studying her eyes they way he usually did when he wanted to see beyond her walls.

"How," she repeated, her throat closing. "How could you forgive me from losing so much time? Tony, I-"

Tony closed his eyes, purposedly ending the connection they had. He shook his head, inhaling.

"Ziva, I know you. I know you better than you know yourself," he opened them, and the honesty was so brutal it almost made Ziva flinch. "And I don't want to talk about myself right now."

He studied her, waiting for what she knew was him asking permission to let him in. To let herself go.

Tony nestled her better in his arms, a hand taking out the wet hair from her face.

"Tell me where it hurts," he said.

And something in Ziva snapped.

No one had ever asked her that. People always asked if she was fine, but that never and would never help in anything. It was the same as asking a soldier how the war had been.

He asked as if he knew. He already knew there was pain, he needed no confirmation.

He just needed to tear it down.

Tears were already flowing freely as sobs started to shake her body more than the cold. And with that, Ziva let go, her walls breaking down as she found rest on the crook of his neck.

"Try to breathe," he said in her hair.

And between sharp intakes of breath, she tried, as he continued to rock her in his arms.

"I am so tired of being afraid."

"You don't have to anymore."

"But-"

"Ziva. You are safe. I-" Tony kissed her hair as her crying subsided to calming sobs, pulling everything into focus. "I am here. You're not alone. You don't need to... I'll keep you safe. I will keep you safe."

Ziva nodded in his neck, trying to breathe as tears continued to silently trail her cheeks.

"You did enough," his hand caressed her back up and down, his cheek resting on hers as soft kisses were placed in her temple.

His breathing in her ear was incredibly soothing, his arms creating the shield she thought it had shattered.

"You are enough. You're more than enough."

And with those words, Ziva David was saved.

°°°

Half an hour later, she could smell dinner being prepared, the scent coming from the kitchen incensing the whole house. There was something comforting in the familiarity of it.

Ziva inhaled deeply, tucking her hair behind her ears as she nodded to the mirror.

It cast a small smile back to her. She huffed.

It was time again.

To start over.

She found Tony behind the counter, his back to her as he pointed inside the oven and muttered something to Tali squatting down at his side. Giggles followed, and he grinned wide enough for Tali to mimic him without thinking.

Ziva smiled softly. The flutter inside her chest gave her a reassurance she didn't know she needed.

She made sure to make some noise as she pulled the chair out of the dinner table. She didn't want Tali to notice her swollen eyes, so she fixed them on the little cracks of the wooden table instead.

"She asked for pizza. Is it okay?"

Ziva somehow knew his words meant so much more than what he had said. It had always been their game, for more than a decade.

"Yes," she replied, nodding while she felt his eyes on her. "Yes, I believe it is okay."

"Okay."

A pause followed, to what she felt was an eternity, but she continued to scrap the wooden table wondering if she had left those marks or if it was someone else.

"Tali," said Tony. "Why don't you show your mother what you did? I think she would love to see it."

Ziva turned to him at that, finding an amused smile on his face.

Are you up for the challenge? it said.

Ziva huffed in return, and they shared a look between them.

As I will ever be.

Tali came running into view, putting a drawing in front of her. She watched her face waiting for a reaction, but Ziva only asked for her to sit on her lap and explain it to her.

"This is me," said Tali, pointing to the figure in the middle of it, covered in glitter and flowers all over her dress. If she hadn’t mentioned it, Ziva doubted she would have found that out, she laughed.

"This is Abba," a taller figure was standing right next to her, holding her hand. There was a bright yellow pizza in his other hand.

"And this is you!"

Ziva was holding her other hand, and above her head, there were a dozen of little hearts.

"Why am I orange?"

"Because you're happy," said Tali as a matter-of-factly. "And being happy makes you warm, so I had to put it this way, obviously."

"Obviously."

Ziva chuckled, looking at Tony. He only shrugged, telling her he had nothing to do with it.

"And who's that?"

"That's Max."

"Max?" asked Ziva.

"The unicorn," Tony replied.

"Ah, of course. Sorry, I had not seen the... The..."

"The mane."

"Yes, thank you," Ziva said. He was already laughing. "The mane. With all this glitter and color. Is he happy too? Max?"

"He is happiness."

There are some weird things children say that makes you question your whole existence. Ziva only nodded slowly, suspecting Tali understood something that was way beyond her.

Then she realized she didn't feel sad anymore.

"Dinner's ready!" said Tony as a ding on the clock showed him it was time to take it out of the oven. Tali jumped from Ziva's lap to run to his side, excitement filling her features as Tony put on his gloves.

"One very tasty margherita slice for a very very beautiful princess," he said as he handed Tali a plate.

"And one very delicious pepperoni slice for a very very special agent."

"I am not an agent anymore," huffed Ziva.

Tony chuckled, handing her the plate as he sat down in front of her.

"Oh, bella, once a probie always a probie. You know the rule."

Ziva narrowed her eyes and he raised his chin in return, his eyes conveying another hidden message, like he always did with her.

This is real. It was all real. This is the real you, the one I love and the one I respect. Deny all you want, but I will pull you back to it. It was all real.

Ziva must have shown him she understood, because in a moment there was a wink and in another, he was already asking Tali what she liked about the pizza.

And for the tenth time that day, she got a glimpse of things hidden beyond the normal eye could see.

She had learned for a while now happiness wasn't a goal exactly, but rather a sum of joyful moments. Moments like these, that meant so much more than any celebration. It meant life continued, whether she liked it or not, but it was her choice to see the happiness behind it. It wasn't a constant nor a state, it was rather fluid.

The thought made her smile.

It was just like water.

#ncis #tiva #tivali #tony dinozzo #ziva david #tali david dinozzo #tiva fics #my fics #tiva fanfiction #okay so this was meant to be named 'like real people do'#and tori randomly texted me about that song which freaked me out hahaha #cuz i wanted to portray them having problems and behaving like real people do #but then this entered into its own dimension #and i had to put that f&m song there #this is creative writing hidden in a fic plot and that's all i have to say for myself #its not appearing on ao3 but anywaysss #really hope you like it <3

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gleekto · 4 years

Text

Summary: College AU/Famous!Blaine and Fanboy!Kurt - Kurt POV

Kurt really doesn’t have time to figure out the dating world between being a freshman at prestigious theatre school, LAADA, and his active but secret blogging life in the Sing!Fandom. So what if Sing! ended last year? There are still fics to read and actors to follow. Especially the uber talented heartthrob lead, Blaine Anderson. He can act. He can sing. He can even dance. He’s gay. He’s out. And he’s only 24. Kurt is willing to twiddle his thumbs and click refresh until Blaine Anderson’s next project.

He just didn’t expect the next project to be on his roommate Rachel’s new TV show.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Even Better Than the Real Thing (5/15)

Kurt is sitting at his desk, completing his essay on queer subtext in ‘Cats’ when Rachel rushes in the front door like a hurricane. “Please help me clean, Kurt. They’ll be here soon.”

“Who will be here when?” Kurt is immediately irritated.

“You know, the cast, hair and make up, whomever can make it. I really felt that as the star of the show that I should be hosting a get together evening. I’ve got the wine, we can warm up some easy appetizers, cut some veggies. Oh and can you make your guacamole?-”

‘Wait what? Did you even think to ask me if tonight worked for me? My essay is due tomorrow.”

“I did-” Kurt stares at her. “I didn’t ask? I mean I thought I mentioned it last weekend.”

Kurt sighs deeply. “You didn’t.”

“Okay I’m sorry. But come on, Kurt. I know your essay must be almost done. You never leave anything to the last minute-”

“Unlike some other people, apparently.” Kurt groans and shakes his head but begrudgingly stands up and makes his way to the kitchen. “You clean. I’ll do the guac and veggies.” Rachel thanks him profusely and he shoos her away so he can get the food done. He will need to shower and change before anyone arrives. And clean his room. Because though he won’t ask Rachel who’s coming, he’s not going to risk Blaine Anderson thinking his home is a mess.

...

By the time Kurt feels ready enough to enter the gathering from the safety of his bedroom, having carefully chosen a definitely flattering but not trying too hard outfit for the occasion - a skintight white long sleeved shirt under a dark grey vest with tight dark blue jeans - there are already a good ten guests in his living room, milling and drinking wine and laughing too loudly. But so far, no Blaine Anderson. He chats for a bit with Sarah and Joan, two of the hair and make up folks, and tries very hard to be interested in whose hair is the hardest to get consistently correct, and not to be distracted by who is not there.

“Rachel!” The door swings open about half an hour later and there he is, giving Rachel a big hug, handing her a bottle of red wine, and apologizing for being late. Kurt’s heart beat quickens slightly but he notices that he is not going into full on panic mode. They’re friends, buddies, and of course they’ll talk tonight. Yes, it’s Blaine Anderson and yes, he’s really very gorgeous, but it’s a bit more like hot gay friend has entered the premises and less like he’s holding his breath to catch a brief glimpse of Sing!’s most eligible bachelor. He can do this.

“You almost missed your chance,” Kurt wanders over and hands Blaine a Corona with lime. “It’s the last one but lucky for you, I set it aside.”

Blaine smiles widely, looking genuinely thankful - Kurt thinks more appreciative than a saved beer would warrant. “You know my drink of choice?”

“Given that it’s all you’ve been drinking each time I’ve seen you - I guess I know your “drink of choice.” Kurt makes quotation marks with his fingers.

Blaine raises the bottle in a cheers-like gesture. “So this is your home,” Blaine takes in the apartment, looking at both Kurt and Rachel.

“Two bedrooms, two bathrooms-”

“That was a requirement,” Kurt adds. “I have a very particular nighttime skin routine and there was no way I was competing with Rachel Berry for the mirror.” Blaine laughs and keeps smiling at him with those sparkly eyes. It’s unnerving.

“Kurt, why don’t you give him a mini-tour? I need to refill the Sangria bowl,” Rachel says, flitting off to the next thing.

“Why don’t you, then?” Blaine says. Kurt surveys the room. The apartment is not that big.

“Well, this is the living room slash kitchen slash main room.” I mean, Blaine can’t really think there is that much of a tour to take, but he’ll humour him. Kurt leads Blaine to Rachel’s unfortunately overly pink room and bathroom. “I couldn’t convince her that it was not a bold choice, but a bad choice.” Blaine’s eyebrows rise as he takes in light pink walls with splashes of bubble gum pink accents, and he laughs genuinely at Kurt’s commentary. Neither this tour, nor Kurt, are really that amusing but okay. Blaine Anderson is having fun.

“I guess she really is a girly girl at heart,” Blaine says as he follows Kurt into his own room. Much more soothing, and more adult, shades of blues and greys, with some bold orange accent pillows on his bed for flare.

“A girly girl can still have taste - and that room, Blaine, is too much pink.”

“I dated a guy last year who had a pink room,” Blaine rolls his eyes at the memory as he sits down on Kurt’s bed. Okay. Guess they’re staying here for a bit.

“Just really proud?” Kurt pulls out his desk chair and faces Blaine.

“A proud gay guy can still have taste,” Blaine mimics, looking approvingly around Kurt’s room.

“Indeed.” There’s a brief pause and Kurt’s heart starts to race again, worried it might get awkward. “Wait - didn’t you say you couldn’t meet anyone while working on Sing!?”

“Yeah, but it didn’t stop me from trying. Or sort of trying while enjoying,” Blaine pauses. “The LA scenery.”

Now Kurt laughs, shaking his head to himself. “Honestly, I can’t imagine having a life where there are so many options that they are all just part of the pretty scenery. Although I suppose Mr. Pink’s room didn’t qualify.”

“Mr. Pink,” Blaine pauses, looking like he is assessing whether he should say whatever is on the tip of his tongue. “Had a body to make up for the room,” Kurt’s eyes widen but he wills himself to play it cool. No big deal. Friends chatting about past relationships. “So we had a week of torrid sex and the rest is history.”

Kurt bites his lip. This image is too much. Blaine Anderson having torrid sex is too much. He knows he’s red. He just says the first thing that comes into his head, “Honestly, Blaine, I’m from Lima, Ohio and your life right now, it’s outside my mid-western frame of reference.”

Blaine chuckles again but he nods. Does he think Kurt is just hilariously innocent? “I know. You know, I don’t completely forget what it’s like to arrive in LA from small town Ohio. I’m only 24. Did you ever get out to Columbus for any of the LBGT youth dances or game nights? I used to do that. Even got my first kiss from a drunken college freshman behind the community centre. Very romantic.”

“Nope.” Kurt answers quickly. “Never went to Columbus. No dances or games. No kisses.” He’s embarrassed but what else was he going to say? Blaine’s suspicion of his innocence confirmed.

“No first kisses?” Blaine repeats and Kurt shakes his head quickly.

“Why is that so hard to believe? I thought we already discussed that Lima is not exactly a gay mecca.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not. Lima would not exactly be the best place to meet someone.” Blaine agrees, shaking his head and looking down slightly before looking right back into Kurt’s eyes. “It’s just that,” Blaine breathes in, “You’re hot.”

What. The fuck.

Great. Now the silence is going to be super painful because Kurt is certain no coherent words will come out of his mouth ever again.

“Anyways,” Blaine bites his lower lip, shaking off his momentary slip of the tongue. “Thank you for the tour.” Kurt gets up to lead them back out to the others. “You’re one up on Mr. Pink.”

“For my decor? I hope so.” Kurt manages to speak words.

“In all areas,” Blaine says quietly from behind him and before Kurt can register the second less than subtle compliment in five minutes, and turn around, Blaine is back in the crowd, chatting with Joan and Sarah as if nothing could be more interesting than the perfect hair gel. As if he did not just say what he said.

Kurt is done. For the night. Maybe forever. He’s sure he’s not capable of any more small talk with echoes of “You’re hot” and “In all areas” singing through his head. He quietly sneaks into his bedroom and closes the door. He may be innocent and even naive. But Blaine Anderson was most definitely flirting with him. He was honest, at least about his relationship past (or lack thereof), but Blaine didn’t run away. He stayed. And stared. And flirted.

This situation is real. And very complicated.

He needs to stop blogging.

Out of respect for my source, who is a good friend, I need to stop posting on this blog. I will leave the blog up for all the fun gifs, and I may even be back to peruse on occasion. You know I will miss you all. Keep sing!ing, my friends -LimaBlaineFan

#gleekto writes #even better than the real thing #I will be putting up the first 5 parts as chapter one on AO3 today #I will reblog with that link once done

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