#i dont know if you'd call this discourse but

[phanboyo]

Sometimes I wonder if I should be concerned about how often I'm surprised at the shock and outrage at things that the Fenton parents say/do/allow in fanfiction and in the show.

Like what do you mean thats not a rational and reasonable decision? Danny is a whole 14 year old, surely he can handle cleaning the weapons vault or cooking himself dinner or sterilizing lab equipment. He even has his own hazmat suit for lab chores.

[paper-mario-wiki]

i have been struggling to find it, you seem like you might know tho.

i think you may have reblogged it or maybe you've seen it but it's an actor redoing a photoshoot of an older actor wearing like a really thick and soft looking sweater and the modern photo's sweater is just depressingly thin and lame? do you know of any avenues I could use to look for one of those really thick soft knit sweaters?

you seem to be good at finding 'vintage' or otherwise good clothes so have you seen anything like this in your travels thank u

i think ive seen that, let me look it up for you.

i remember the specific context of the discourse around that post was highlighting the difference in quality between a genuine Aran sweater (super fancy special expensive irish heirloom knitting technique, thats as best as i can summarize off the top of my head), and a fast fashion sweater made of cheap bullshit materials warn by a stupid dumb- sorry i started thinking about how shit the modern fashion industry is my insults started pouring onto the dude in the picture whose name escapes me. i remember hes from parks and rec so i'll look up the IMDb for it. i dont remember his name but i remember his face and his bit. he was the really energetic neuvo-yuppy freak who was always doing weird fashion stuff, or so ive gathered from my limited knowledge of that show.

ben shwartz! so if i look up "ben shwartz aran sweater"

here ya go!

actually looking at him he is kind of a doofus in that rinky dink thin ass bullshit nothing sweater. i dont think he IS one but he looks like one here, i feel.

anyway, this has been the process of finding that thing you wanted. thanks for stopping by.

oh wait i just reread the question, u were looking for how to buy old vintage stuff. uhhh ebay, vestiaire collective, and uhh. i mean if you'd be willing to just buy from an actual aran sweater company, which would be similarly spendy to buy a genuine vintage one in good condition, you can buy one made of recycled wool from an irish knittery called Sheep Inc, who display the carbon offset each individual product they produce creates.

they could be secretly evil, i dont know because this is all information ive had to dust off from the back of my mind.

anyways, i hope that you have found something similar to what you were looking for.

[heterophobicdyke]

Honestly if there's one thing that I'm thankful for about this separatism discourse it's how much it revealed true colors. Many radfem accounts I loved that would promoted 4b and reposted about the sheer numbers in male violence I've unfollowed because they spun on a dime to "flex" their male partners to the evil oppressive lesbians. "Ooohhh I'm a radfem with a male partner whatcha gonna do about it? Why are you being such a meanie lesbian who gets to kiss women all day while I die alone?" As soon as you utter a word of criticism against male partnering they're libfems. Constantly strawmanning separatists and hating lesbians more than they hate men apparently. At least now we know who the real radfems are in the end.

yeah like at the end of the day nobody is delusional enough to think that non-radical women are going to dump their boyfriends when they're barely even feminist. but i guess i just thought that class consciousness and the commonality of male abuse/violence would be enough for women who consider themselves radical feminists to temporarily stay away from men until female liberation occurs. but it's just a wake up call and shitty reminder that in 2024 radical feminism doesn't really mean shit to those who identify as one. women dont even come before men in these women's lives lol. like yes u will always be attracted to men, your sexual orientation is your sexual orientation, you don't need to date women either, but if u believed what you say about how misandrist you are then the least you'd do is not have a male partner... right? like how do u trust the words of a "radical feminist" woman who acts persecuted for being encouraged to dump a man

[halsteadlover]

Eye For An Eye

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader.

• Requested by anon: Hi. I dont know if you have seen Greys Anatomy, but my request is if you could write Jay and the reader in the season 6 finale of Greys. With the reader being in Dereks place(she can be a surgeon) and Jay in Merediths. He doesnt have a gun on him when it happens, so he cant protect them. And instead of Christina, Its Will who does the surgery on Y/N. So I dont know if you have seen it, or if you are completly confused, but if you have, it would mean alot😊

• Warnings: blood, curse words, gunshots

• Word count: 7138.

• A/N: I think this is the longest piece I've ever written and as always it's shitty 💀 I'm sorry for how this turned out but I hope you'll like it. Let me know what do you think, like, comment and reblog if you want 💞 Love you all and thank you for your support.

Each person has a different way of doing, of thinking, of acting. Each situation is different from another and for each one there is a different way of reacting. When you’re happy there are those people who jump of joy, there are those who cry, those who cannot stop laughing or clapping their hands. When you are sad there are people who withdraw into themselves, those who prefer the company of some friends or their partner, those who don’t let themselves be discouraged.

But when you lose a loved one, this is a very broad discourse, difficult to enclose in just few lines, but even in this case each person has their own reaction, their own way of dealing with pain. There are those who cry desperately, those who scream since the pain of the loss is so strong because this is a kind of pain that tears inside you, tears your heart out; there are those who seem impassive, just because they need to metabolize, they don’t cry, they don’t scream, don’t despair, they remain there sitting in a corner to mull over what happened, what was going on.

During your career as a surgeon you had – unfortunately you'd dare to say – the opportunity to witness all kinds of reactions from a family member to the loss of their loved one. You were always understanding, ready to do anything to try and ease the pain those people were feeling even though you knew they hated you at the time since you were the person who gave them the worst news of their life. You thought you had seen everything but, damn it, how wrong you were, how wrong you were in having taken the arrogance of being able to think you knew the human being in its complicated and absurd interest. As already mentioned, every person has his own type of reaction in relation to a certain situation but never in your life, not even for a second, you would’ve thought the death of a patient could also have been the cause of yours.

“Doctor Y/LN, the patient is in atrial fibrillation,” a nurse had warned. You were in the midst of a brain operation on a woman, Ellen Hopkins, a 50-year-old lady who had a meningioma, a benign brain tumor but which, given its location and size, was quite dangerous to remove and carried high risks.

“The patient has her skull open, a wrong movement and I could make her paralyzed for life” you replied, the forceps and the electric scalpel in your hands while you were concentrating on the patient’s brain. “Two milligrams of Amiodarone, fast!”.

“The fibrillation persists,” you commented, lifting your eyes for a moment and placing them on the monitor the patient was connected to. “Damn it!” you exclaimed, putting down the surgical instruments and approaching the patient’s chest “Let’s carry out a cardioversion!”

“Charge at 200!”

Nothing.

“250!”

Still nothing, the fibrillation persisted as the patient’s values plummeted dramatically.

“350! And call cardiology!”

Not being able to use defibrillation again, you continued with the cardiac massage while waiting for a cardiothoracic surgeon to arrive in the operating room.

But Mrs. Ellen died on that operating table before someone even arrived.

“Damn it,” you cursed, taking a deep sigh and looking at the clock “Time of death, 16:33.”

Informing relatives was never an easy thing to do, you never got used to it, and that didn’t change even when you had to inform Mrs. Ellen Hopkins’ husband, Bill. You explained to him how the surgery had gone, you answered his questions, you told him you did everything possible to save his wife but that, unfortunately, she hadn’t made it.

Bill was petrified, speechless. Not a single sound came out of his mouth, not a single word, not a single tear came out of his eyes. He remained impassive, unable to process the information he had just been given. He just looked at you, straight in the eye, for a few moments before turning his gaze and walking away.

You watched him go and it was in vain to try to call his name and speak to him. You sighed deeply, running your hands over your face in frustration, blaming yourself for just ruining that man’s life. You couldn’t even imagine how he must feel at that moment, so you didn’t blame his reaction, as already mentioned, everyone had their own way of reacting to such devastating news.

As you used to do after surgery, you holed up in the doctors’ ward, ignoring everything and everyone and continuing to reflect on that surgery and what you could’ve done differently to save that woman.

And you stayed there all afternoon, until the evening, until your shift was over. They all tried to cheer you up, Connor, Will, April, to tell you it wasn’t your fault but right now you didn’t even want to hear those words, at least not from them. You just wanted Jay and one of his hugs.

Jay had been your boyfriend for almost four and a half years now and given your hectic lifestyles, being you a surgeon and him a cop, it was sometimes difficult for you to even see each other even if you were living together.

That evening it was enough for him to see you come out of the hospital doors to understand there was something wrong with you. He understood it from the way you walked at a slow pace, from the way you had your head down and your eyes on the ground.

“My love,” he began, getting up from his car on which he was leaning and walking towards you. When he finished his shift early, he always used to pick you up at the hospital or wait there until your shift ended too.

A small smile rose on your lips when you saw him, beautiful as the sun. The instant relief you felt when you saw him was something magnificent, it was amazing how even just that was enough to make you feel better.

“Hi baby,” you greeted him, immediately wrapping your arms around his chest and hugging him tightly. His arms encircled your shoulders and he too squeezed you tightly, knowing right away that you needed it right now.

“Baby are you okay? What happened?” he immediately asked in a worried tone as his hand gently stroked your head.

“Can we talk about this later? I just want to go home and forget about this day.”

Jay understood but didn't insist any further, leaving your space and knowing that when you were ready you’d tell him everything.

He slightly broke away from that embrace and with his hands he cupped your face, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs. Without saying anything he kissed you, a chaste, sweet and delicate kiss you didn't even realize you needed until then.

“Has anyone dared to bother my princess? Do I have to beat the shit out of someone?” Jay asked in a menacing tone and expression, in an attempt to cheer you up. He smiled when you giggled, knowing he had succeeded and that, in reality, he was serious about this, as he wouldn’t hesitate even for a second to punch anyone who really dared to hurt you.

“No baby, no one has dares to do this wickedness,” you replied with a joking tone.

“It'll be better for them,” Jay joked, stamping a sweet kiss on your forehead that made your stomach lightly explode like fireworks. God, how much you loved that little gesture. “What do you say to go home and forget about this bad day? We can order something and watch a movie if you like.”

You nodded enthusiastically, looking forward to taking a shower and throwing yourself on the bed.

You and Jay were lying on the sofa, having dinner and watching a movie in the background that neither of you was really following. Your head was resting on his chest, your arm instead encircling his chest as he hugged you tightly, stroking your hair and kissing your forehead from time to time.

“I missed you so much today,” Jay said, making you smile even though he couldn't even see you right now.

“I missed you so much too baby, I really needed this.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, almost in a whisper. You let out a sigh, almost involuntarily, “You don't have to tough if you don't want to, I don't want to put pressure on you.”

“No sorry it’s just…” you started talking, putting yourself in a sitting position so that you could look at Jay “It's just... Surgery gone wrong, a woman died on the operating table.”

“Oh. I'm so sorry my love,” Jay replied, taking your hand and squeezing it tightly. “You don't think it's your fault, do you?”

“And who else could it be? I was the surgeon,” you blurted out “It was an operation that presented complications but it had 95% of possibilities to be a success, I promised her, her husband...”

“Baby, baby, stop,” Jay stopped you, letting go of your hand and grabbing your face with his hands and making you stop talking. “It’s. Not. Your. Fault. I wasn't there and I don't know how things went but I'm 100% sure you did everything in your power to save her and if there was a chance to do anything to keep her alive you’d do it. Complications happen, they happen, the surgery had a 95% chance of success but unfortunately that 5% is always there, it's hard, but it's always there and it's nobody's fault, much less yours. Don’t blame yourself for this baby, you are one of the most talented surgeons in the entire hospital…”

“Why can't I help but feel like shit then? Maybe I didn't consider some variables, I was too sure and a patient died,” you said, your voice almost broken by trying to hold back the tears. But from the way Jay wiped one, you could tell the attempt was completely in vain.

“Because we are human, it's in our nature to blame ourselves when something doesn’t go as planned and we always need to have an answer to the things that happen but the truth is that not everything has an answer, the universe operates in a mysterious way and I know for sure, I’d bet on it, there was nothing you could’ve done that you haven't already done.”

You sighed, then resting your head on his chest as he hugged you in an attempt to console you.

“I'm here for you baby, cry and let it go as long as you want, I won't let you go,” he continued to whisper, occasionally leaving sweet and delicate kisses on your forehead. He continued to hug you indefinitely, whispering words of comfort to you until you calmed down and stopped crying. You didn't know how to express your gratitude for having such a fantastic man like Jay by your side, you’d never have known how to do it without him. He was your rock, your backbone, what put you back together when your world fell apart.

-

In the next two days nothing special happened, you and Jay went on normally with your jobs, you operated, he arrested criminals.

It was Friday and it was now late morning while you were in the operating room after finishing an operation on a man with spinal problems. As usual, you washed your hands and left the operating room before going to write everything down on the patient's medical record.

Everything seemed to go on normally, lunchtime came quickly and as usual, Jay came to the hospital to pick you up and go eat something together. You were still busy in the last morning visits and Jay took the opportunity to exchange a few words with his brother Will, who was at the reception.

“Look who’s bere, I thought you died,” Will commented, jokingly.

“Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't show up but work has been killing me lately, it's like the criminals have all woken up at the same time,”Jay explained “How is everything going?”.

“It's okay. I’m fine, Maya is back in town tomorrow and I can't wait to see her again, work is going pretty well, in short, I have nothing to complain about and I can finally exchange few words with my little brother.”

Jay chuckled and was about to answer when a man's voice interrupted him.

“Excuse me,” the man said, getting attention “I'm looking for doctor Y/N Y/LN, where can I find her?”.

Jay immediately turned to the man after hearing your name being mentioned and looked him up and down, studying his appearance and making sure he wasn't some ex or, worse, a shady guy. He was a man who couldn’t exceed fifty-five, tall, slender physique, balding. He had his hands tucked into the pocket of his visibly ruined pants and his gaze totally absent.

“She’s finishing her last visits, you can wait in the waiting room and I will call you,” Will replied cordially.

“No, it's pretty urgent. I'm here for my wife and the doctor made an appointment for me today and at this time,” said the man, so calmly, a behavior that was not expected of someone who had a loved one hospitalized.

“I’m sure you can wait here too, the doctor will come down immediately and see you,” Jay continued, but the man insisted that the matter was urgent and he needed to see her right away.

“If the doctor told you that, you can go now,” Will said, going on to explain where to find you.

The man thanked him and started walking towards the elevator. By now he had memorized the way to your ward, which was only on the first floor.

Slowly, the man approached the ward where, however, a nurse stopped him.

“Sir, visiting hours are over, you can't stay here.”

“I'm looking for Doctor Y/LN,” he replied, completely ignoring the nurse's words.

“You can come back here at three in the afternoon, when visiting hours start again.”

Soon the situation plunged completely into the abyss, in a whirlwind of chaos and despair.

The man pulled a gun out of his jacket pocket and without any sign of remorse or hesitation, shot that nurse, making his body fall to the ground, lifeless.

The sound of the shot echoed throughout the entire floor and the terrified screams of doctors, nurses and the patients themselves began to spread. They all started running away at the speed of light fearing for their lives. There were, however, those who couldn’t even get out of bed, asleep patients who were unable to save themselves.

When suddenly Jay saw a wave of people running from the elevator, terrified, he knew immediately that something was wrong. He and Will quickly exchanged a worried look and Jay immediately tried to stop someone to ask for an explanation.

“Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on?!” he exclaimed aloud, but everyone ignored him, continuing to run away. He stopped a man, who in terror stammered a few words.

“A… A man… He has a… He shot… He has a gun.”

Jay’s heart stopped beating for a moment as he heard those words. His mind immediately understood what was happening, who was the aggressor and his first thought was you. That man had targeted you, he wanted you.

A feeling of panic took over him and his brain went completely blackout. His first instinct was to run to the elevator and try to find you before that man found you but Will stopped him.

“Where the hell are you going?!”

“What do you mean where the hell am I going? That man is looking for Y/N I have to find her!”

“Jay you need backup!”

“You get as many people out as possible, I call the rest of the team and look for Y/N,” Jay had replied and before Will could even answer, he run for the elevators. After quickly making the call and making sure the team and SWAT were coming soon, he put his cell phone in his pocket and reached for his gun.

At that precise moment a shiver went through his body as he realized he didn’t have his gun with him and that he had left it in the dashboard of his car.

“Fuck!” he whispered angrily to himself. That didn’t stop Jay, however, determined to find you before the madman did. He began to wander the corridors of that floor, constantly looking around. He felt the sweat tinge his forehead and his heartbeat greatly accelerated, not so much because of the situation but because he knew your life was in danger. He kept praying with every fiber of his being you were okay, that you were able to hide somewhere.

The anxiety and worry he was feeling at that moment were feelings he had felt a few times in his life and knowing that you, the love of his life, were in danger and, above all, he couldn’t do anything to help you, it destroyed him. Deep down he couldn’t even formulate a single coherent and rational thought.

The last thing you expected that day – and to be honest, you didn’t expect at all – was to find yourself face to face with an armed man pointing his gun at you.

“Mr. Hopkins…” you whispered, short of breath and heart pounding. Mrs. Ellen Hopkins’s husband, the lady who had passed away on your operating table a few days earlier, stood in front of you, with an absent look, and with the gun pointing straight at you.

“You killed my wife,” he said, his voice cold, aloof, as if a robot had taken possession of him.

“I… Mr. Hopkins I don’t…” you stammered, having no idea how to get out of that situation.

“You killed my wife!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, showing some emotion for the first time. His sudden change of tone made you jump with fear, and in pure instinct you raised your hands up, visibly trembling.

“Mr. Hopkins, please… Lower that gun, there is no need, I promise you I will answer any of your question.”

“Shut up!” he yelled again “There is no question you can answer! You killed my wife! The love of my life! You took her away from me and today you will die like her!”.

Your eyes filled with tears, but you tried in vain not to cry.

Fuck no, you didn’t want to die, not that day, not like that.

“Mr. Hopkins… I ask you please, let me explain how things went, I’m sure you will want to know why. I know this won’t bring your wife back and I’m terribly sorry about that, I know how much you loved her and how much she loved you, but I can help you find answers if you wants.”

“And what could fix this? She died!” he exclaimed, waving his gun at you and making you jump again.

Oh God please.

“Nothing, I know it won’t bring her back to life, but it might help you find some peace, I’m sure, in fact, I’m 100% sure Ellen would like you to be at peace, she doesn’t want you pining for her death.”

“I don’t want to hear you talk!” Bill continued, now taken by anger and resentment “I hate you! I hate you so much! You were the one who had to heal my wife, make her feel better and not kill her! ”.

Your heart tightened in a vise and you couldn’t not feel guilty. You rationally knew it wasn’t your fault but, subconsciously, you couldn’t help but think so.

“Okay, okay, but please Mr. Hopkins, this thing is just between me and you alright? No one else has to suffer from this tragedy, no family has to mourn their loved one, if you want to blame me that’s fine but leave the other innocent people alone.”

“I don’t care a damn about the others, they were just accidents along the way. I wanted you Dr. Y/LN, you ended my wife’s life and I will end yours.”

Your blood froze in your veins, your brain working hard to try to invent a way to escape from that situation.

At that moment your thought was only one, only Jay, and how much you wished him to appear through that door and take you away from there. You couldn’t stop thinking how that morning could’ve been the last time you saw him, how you wanted nothing more than to take refuge in his arms.

Bill clicked the safety of his gun and a feeling of panic took hold of you completely, fearing that these would be your last moments in life.

“Bill… Please listen to me,” you begged him “I know you aren’t a bad person, I know you are grieving terribly for the loss of your wife and I am so sorry, there has not been a moment when I have not thought of her and I don’t even dare imagine your suffering, damn it, I don’t even know how I would’ve reacted in such a situation. I know it’s just the sadness and anger that are talking now, and you are right to be angry with me, with the world, with whoever is up there who took Ellen away from you and I don’t blame you for that. I know I was the person you trusted most to save her life and I betrayed this trust and I will forever apologize for that, because I wanted Ellen to recover as much as you did. I am not a perfect being, I am human too and as such I can make mistakes but I am ready to pay the consequences,” you spoke, and noticing that he was listening to you you continued “I did my best and believe me when I tell you that if there was a single minimal thing I could’ve done to save her, I would’ve done it but I know you don’t see it that way now. Bill... I… I have a family too, I’m somebody’s daughter, sister, niece, girlfriend and like I said I know you’re not a bad person, I know you never want any family to go through what you are going through right now.”

“You’re wrong Dr. Y/LN,” he replied, suddenly calm, as if all the anger he felt until recently had magically vanished. “I want everyone to feel exactly what I’m feeling.”

The sound of a gunshot boomed throughout your office room as it kept repeating in your mind. Suddenly the whole world around you fell into total silence, there was only a subspecies of hum that you could clearly hear with your ears.

You didn’t realize it right away. It took you a few moments to do it.

You didn’t realize right away he actually shot you. It was only when you looked down and watched the blood splatter spread across your uniform that you really realized he had shot you.

Your body fell into a trance state and you didn’t immediately feel pain, due to the adrenaline flowing through your veins.

You fell to the ground, without strength, the blood expanding rapidly under your body and soiling all your clothes. You had no idea what was going on, you didn’t know if you were dead, if you were still alive, if your attacker was still there, if it was all a terrible nightmare.

Your mouth was completely dry, your jaws so dehydrated as if you had just run a marathon. Your heart was beating madly as your chest rose and fell quickly even though each breath was like receiving a stab, one was more painful than the other.

At that point the pain slowly began to be excruciating, so persistent as to be almost paralyzing. It felt as if millions of needles were penetrating your skin with extreme and devastating agony.

Jay was right there, he had witnessed that frightening and horrible scene from afar, given the open door of your office. He had seen how that man shot you in cold blood and without the slightest doubt or hesitation.

It was Will who literally held him back by force, or he would’ve come to you, or he would’ve tried to save you. He would’ve even taken that bullet for you, he would’ve fought to try to save you, but he couldn’t have done it and now you were probably even dead.

It didn’t do any good to wriggle with all the strength he had in his body, try to escape Will’s grip, yell at him to let him go.

“Fuck Will, let me go!” Jay kept screaming, trying to run away, in despair he had never been in his life. His stomach was in a vise and a lump in his throat had formed.

But when that shot rang out within the walls of that hospital, Jay was completely paralyzed for a few seconds, as if for a moment he had feared he had an auditory hallucination.

He stood still as his mind processed what was really going on.

“No!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, freeing himself from Will and running at lightning speed to your office. He didn't have anything else in mind but you at that moment and he didn't even care that bastard had vanished, he just wanted to see you.

Seeing you poured into a pool of your own blood was an image that would never leave his mind again.

“Baby! Baby! Please wake up, don't leave me!” Jay exclaimed, immediately leaning over your body, not caring in the least he was soiled with blood. He took your face in his hands, breathing a sigh of relief when he noticed you were still alive, trying to mumble something.

“Shhh my love, don't talk, keep your strength okay? I'm here now, I won't let you go, please hold on tight” Jay begged, “Will!” his eyes blurred with tears and only then he realized he was crying “Please don't play tricks on me, you have to stay with your eyes open okay?”.

“J-Jay…” you muttered, struggling to keep your eyes open “It hurts so much...”

Jay cried even more to hear those words, knowing you were in terribly much pain and there was nothing he could do to end that pain. He continued to caress your face, your hair, noticing the paleness of your skin. He knew very well how you felt, he knew how a shot could be terribly painful.

“I'm so sorry I didn't come earlier baby, please don't leave me okay? I love you so much, I can't live without you…” he cried “Try to hold on for me, you'll be fine I promise...”

“I... I want to sleep Jay...”

“No, no, no, no,” he replied, panic in his voice. “Don't fall asleep, okay? You have to keep these beautiful eyes of yours open, can you do this for me my love? I know it's difficult but you are so strong, you are the strongest person I know... Don't do this to me, don't leave me baby…”

But at that moment you weren't strong at all, you weren't a fighter and you didn't have the energy and strength to fight. You just wanted to let yourself go and get some sleep, just for a little while.

The room slowly began to fade as black splotches appeared before your eyes and at that point you could no longer fight to keep your eyes open and found yourself sucked into a whirlwind of darkness.

“Will!” Jay yelled in utter despair again.

Will immediately walked into your office after rushing to get a stretcher and an emergency kit, and seeing the blood and you unconscious in Jay's arms he knew immediately that the situation was dire.

“I’m sorry I was finding these. We need to get her to the OR immediately. Jay help me put her on the stretcher,” Will ordered, trying to stay as cool and lucid as possible even though it was hard for him to see you like that too. You weren't just his brother's girlfriend, you were also his colleague and a very dear friend.

“Take her by the shoulders, I’ll take her by the legs. At three we raise her, okay?”.

Jay nodded, trying to wipe away his tears quickly and did what Will said.

“One. Two. Three.”

They placed you on the stretcher and all three of you immediately left the office, trying to go as quickly as possible to the operating room. It was a race against time, and both Will and Jay knew it, there was no room for mistakes, there was no room for hesitation.

“Will,” Jay called his brother, before seeing him enter the OR.

Will turned and immediately understood the words Jay was about to say.

“I can't be without her, save her please.”

Will's heart squeezed in a vise and never as in that moment he felt a huge weight on his shoulders because he knew if things went wrong he wouldn’t only lose you, a friend, a colleague, an exceptional doctor, but he would also lose his little brother.

He nodded before turning and walking into the operating room.

Jay didn't know what to do with himself. He never felt so helpless and at the same time cutting out from the world.

He didn't know the rest of his team had arrived there in the hospital, that the man was immediately found and arrested after killing that nurse and seriously injuring you and two other people but Jay didn't even care.

He didn't care where he was, he didn't care if he suddenly appeared behind him or even if he went around the hospital. He knew this wasn’t correct, his motto was to protect and serve but he didn’t give a fuck, he wanted nothing more than to know you were alive, safe and sound, that you were okay.

When it came to you, there was no criminal, job or any other matter that had a priority over you, there was nothing he wouldn’t have abandoned just to know that you were happy, that you were well and healthy. You had always been the center of his world since he met you and he didn’t even care how absurd it seemed, but it was the truth, you were his everything, all that was most important to him and knowing he had done nothing to avoid hurting you was killing him, devouring him inside.

The thought there was only a wall to divide you physically but an abyss mentally, was something that Jay just couldn’t understand and in the hours when Will operated on you, he thought he literally died a thousand times.

For the first time in his life he had understood the real meaning of fear and it was a feeling he never wanted to try again. It was horrible, devastating, debilitating, feeling that damned fear, that paralyzing and visceral feeling of anxiety that twisted his stomach in a tight grip. He was afraid of losing you, of never seeing you again.

How could he live without you?

How could he only think of living in a world where you were not there?

He wasn’t ready. He would never be.

This option had never even touched his head since you became a part of his world. He wanted to be with you forever, until his last breath and that was not even enough, because he knew that even in the afterlife your souls would be reunited and you would be together again.

What would he do if he never saw you again? What if he could no longer talk to you, hear you laugh at his sleazy jokes, hear you romp when you were happy, see you smile, hug you when you were sad and wipe your tears when you lost some patient on the operating table? What would he have done without your immense clumsiness, so much that he didn’t even know how you were a surgeon sometimes, without your disastrous cooking, without your hair ties thrown all over the place, without your obsessive way of disinfecting everything? What would he have done without your kisses, your hugs, your way of making him feel so pampered and loved, always, every day and every second?

“Fuck no, no, no, no,” Jay muttered to himself, as if to banish those horrible thoughts from his mind, “God please, please, save her, let her come back to me…”

After about an hour in which you were in the operating room, the rest of the intelligence reached Jay and in vain his friends tried to calm him down.

It was only when he saw Will come out the door of that damned operating room that he came back to breathe a bit and at the same time die of heartbreak and anxiety.

“So? How did it go? Is she fine? Please tell me she’s okay,” Jay spat out, immediately approaching his brother. He studied the expression on his face in the smallest details and a modicum of hope lit up when he didn’t see that typical expression you had when you had to communicate the death of a loved one, he didn’t seem sad, on the contrary.

“The surgery was a succes, I am 99% sure she will recover completely. The bullet had pierced the stomach but fortunately there was no major damage. Now I’m taking her to ICU and we’ll have to wait for her to wake up,” Will explained and couldn’t even explain the transformation Jay underwent. He noticed the precise moment when that veil of anxiety and worry finally disappeared, replaced instead by joy and happiness.

In a rush of happiness Jay hugged his brother, squeezing him like he had never done before. “Thank you Will, thank you so much.”

Will returned that hug, smiling. “You don’t have to thank me, she is very strong.”

“Yeah, she really is,” Jay replied through tears, only then realizing he was crying. “When can I see her?”.

“In a while don’t worry.”

Seeing you lying on that hospital bed was an image Jay would never have thought of seeing in his life, it was literally a blow to his heart. You had oxygen goggles inserted in your nostrils, your face was terribly pale but despite that you were still the most beautiful creature Jay had ever seen.

He stood next to you and he never took his eyes off you for not even for a second. His hand gently stroked your hair, as he used to do when you slept. It had now become a habit, stroking your hair and watching you sleep. Sometimes it happened that you smiled even in your sleep, snuggling closer to him, but this time it didn’t happen.

Your skin was cold under his fingers, as he stroked your cheeks and, God, he would’ve given anything to be in your place, so as not to see you hurt even for a minute.

Jay leaned over and gave a kiss on your forehead, as he kept caressing your face and hair.

“Do you have any idea how much I fucking love you? How do you make me feel? How important you are to me?” Jay began to speak, remembering the words you said to him once and that talking to patients asleep can have a positive effect on their awakening. He left another kiss on your forehead. “Do you have any idea how much you scared me today my baby? God, I've never felt so scared as I did today, not even while I was overseas. Seeing that son of a bitch...” Jay stopped, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat as he remembered the moment you were shot “I'm so sorry I couldn't stop him, I don't want to imagine how scared you were, I’ll never be able to forgive myself, I was there, a few meters from you, I have always sworn to protect you and keep you safe but I have failed and I am so sorry.”

“Please wake up baby, don't you dare leave me here alone okay? I can't be in this fucking world without you. I swear to you, I'll never leave you alone again, but now you just have to open your beautiful eyes alright? Can you do it for me? Show me those beautiful eyes that made me madly fall in love with you?”.

Jay stood there at your bedside indefinitely, watching you sleep and hoping that sooner or later you would finally open your eyes. Will spent nearly every twenty minutes visiting you and it was in vain for him to try to get Jay to go and rest.

It was when he felt your fingers move slightly, after almost twelve years, that he feared he was truly hallucinating.

“Oh my god, oh my god,” he literally jumped up from his chair, holding your hands as he looked at you “Baby, can you hear me? Please answer me, give me a sign. Please, please, please.”

He felt your fingers move slowly again and at that point he made sure it really happened, it wasn't a joke his mind was playing on him.

It took you some time to understand what was happening, where you were.

Your head was pounding terribly as if you were being hammered, your vision was blurred and you had to blink several times to focus.

The first thing you saw were the artificial lights coming from the ceiling, which at the time were terribly annoying.

“Where am I?” you grumbled with difficulty, feeling weak and completely without strength.

“You're in the hospital, love,” replied a voice you recognized immediately. It was Jay, your Jay. “No, no, stay still, don't get up.”

Your eyes met Jay's and the joy he felt at seeing you awake was something that was minimally comparable.

“You finally woke up,” he said, almost in a whisper, as if he hardly believed it. He stroked your hair, leaving a kiss on your forehead.

Suddenly images of what had happened flooded your mind, the exact scene in which you were shot seemed to repeat itself in a loop in your head.

“Has... Has any other person been hurt?" you asked.

Jay nodded his head, sadly. “But they’re all fine. He was caught soon after, he surrendered without opposition.”

“And you? How are you?”.

He chuckled, taking your hand with his and letting a kiss on it. “You're the one on a hospital bed.”

You let out a faint laugh but it results in a painful twinge. “I guess I deserved it.”

Jay's face immediately turned serious and his heart tightened in his chest as he heard these words. “You can't really believe such thing. You don't deserve to be here baby, it's not your fault what happened, please, get it out of your pretty little head.”

“His wife is dead and I had to save her,” you whispered, your gaze fixed on the ceiling as you tried in vain to hold back the tears.

“His wife died of a complication, every surgery has it, you always tell me, and you did everything possible to save her. You don't have to pay for something you are not to blame for, please stop thinking this okay?”.

You were silent for a moment and you then returned your eyes to Jay.

“Baby... Are you crying?” you asked, alarmed. He shook his head slightly, wiping away his tears quickly and avoiding looking at you.

“No, I'm not,” he muttered but let go when you started stroking his face. He lowered his head and let himself go in a liberating cry, venting the frustration, the anger, the sadness but above all, the relief.

“Oh baby, it's okay, it's okay,” you tried to console him as best you could given your position.

“I was so fucking scared to lose you Y/N…” he whispered.

“I know, love, I know, I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to apologize, on the contrary, I’m sorry, I should be the one to console you,” he said, wiping his tears and then looking at you. Your heart skipped a beat to see his beautiful green eyes shine so bright, still shiny from crying.

“You don't have to apologize Jay, there was nothing you could’ve done to stop it and you don’t have to blame yourself for not being able to stop this from happening,” you spoke up, realizing you were crying too.

“What about we both stop to blame ourselves?”.

“We have a deal,” you faintly smiled “Do you have any idea how much I fucking love you too?”.

Jay let out a laugh, knowing you had actually heard his words as he spoke to you. He stood up again and leaned towards you before grabbing your face and pressing his lips against yours. There were no words to describe what he felt, what that contact caused within him, the relief to know he still had another chance to be with you, he still had he chance to kiss and hug you forever.

“Can you get close to me?” you asked.

“But I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t hurt me, please baby, I need you now.”

“God, how can I say no to this beautiful face?” he said and you giggled, trying to ignore the pain that this entailed. Slowly and carefully, you tried to move in the bed, so you could make room for Jay and not make the stitches fit.

“Be careful baby,” Jay warned, helping you.

Jay positioned himself beside you, trying to be careful not to make any sudden movements, and he put his arm under your head. He printed so many kisses on your face and forehead, still unable to believe the luck of still having you there with him.

“I swear to god I’ll never let you leave the house again, I can’t risk someone taking you away from me.”

You giggled again. “Don’t make me laugh please, it hurts.”

“It’s not my fault you have such a funny boyfriend, it’s something you’ll have to live with.”

You hit him with that bit of strength you had, aching from the wound. “Can you stop it?”.

“Sure my love,” he kissed you on the forehead again. “Now try to rest, okay? You need to regain strength so I’ll get you home as soon as possible. I will always be here beside you, I won’t let you go.”

And with those words of comfort, you slowly slipped into a deep sleep, into the arms of the man you loved and with the hope, sooner or later, everything would be fine, everything would return back to normality.

Tag List: @burgstead, @bebataylor84, @ares-kelani-wayne, @lxna-mikaelsxn, @sande5098, @smoothdogsgirl, @withakindheartx, @jess2013, @maddu-oliveira, @lovemesomepietro, @onechicagodrawings, @jinxfan18, @xeleni-nurse, @ready-hit-it, @rainroo2, @tinfoilhat2719, @hehurst23, @upsteadlovingheart​, @secondaryjob, @nevaehstreater18, @mrspeacem1nusone, @sophiatellerrhodes​, @dedlund82​, @kellykidd​, @rippl3s​, @stephanie708​, @annahargrove​, @smutl0ver​, @kuroe-san, @caroldanverwife, @cbaby, @nosy09, @luvreading67, @danielmarie, @saiyuo12, @alexxavicry, @nachodaze, @waywardhunter95, @fighterkimburgess, @ephemeral3, @mads-weasley, @itskellysev, @lovemedlife, @atarmychick007, @amazedbyitall, @glodessa, @xeleni-dutchnurse, @ossypooh, @itriedtoexplain, @randomwriter1021, @resanoona, @averyhotchner, @ellavanderberg, @mrshalsteadxx, @junevoidzombie, @nocturnalherb16, @croissantthief, @jayhalsteadsbadge, @youngblood199456, @hereforhalstead, @dreamss-wavess

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[jev-urisk]

Writing thrupples with a 'hinge', from someone who falls asleep in the middle every night.

A hinge thrupple is where two people are dating the same person, but not one another. So, not a triangle.

I don't know any thrupples with a childish Jacob-Edward rivalry over the 3rd person (annoying, overplayed)

I don't know any always lovey-dovey thrupples where the two suitors don't do anything outside constantly showering their 3rd with affection (honestly a bit creepy to me)

I'm bi/pan and nonbinary/fluid. My partners are a big burly cis dude and a tall snarky androgynous lesbian, they're not at all attracted to one another. Sexuality/gender plays a big part in dynamics and what I'm called (one calls me Wife and the other calls me Boyfriend).

Many poly peeps set out with intention to have multiple partners, my situation happened accidentally with some help from my autism. Basically I fell in love with two people like the movies but instead of drama I had an honest conversation and they both agreed to try it out. 🤷

I call both my partners 'babe' which in hindsight maybe I should've used 'hun' for one of them, but it's also so cute when I say babe and have two people turn to me. ❤️ They do have some unique, less appropriate pet names tho.

So so so much communication is needed to make sure you're on the same page as your partners. Google calendar helps, as do chore charts. I have 2 date nights a week, one for each partner. Holiday plans are discussed months ahead of time.

Relationships develop at different speeds! One partner may be ready for a milestone a month in, a different partner may be ready for the same milestone in 4 years.

So many perks! Splitting bills, splitting chores, coordinating when emergencies happen, and VOTING! With 3, the discourse for deciding anything from what to eat to what color to paint a room is SO much quicker.

I think the biggest difficulty was getting over my fear that I was doing something wrong, that I was selfishly drawing 2 people into something that would end in heartbreak. I was also afraid my partners wouldn't get along. 😵‍💫

Minor difficulties include deciding who to take for events that are +1 only, remembering who we've come out to, and getting crushed in the middle of the night when both partners roll towards the center of the bed where I sleep. 🪦

I can only be legally married to 1 partner where I live, but my other partner hates the idea of doing joint taxes so 😂 when we have a wedding one day, we're going to get legal permissions to, say, visit me in the hospital when I'm dying and call it good.

Yes, I can have another wedding and it will be just as beautiful and symbolic as the one that included legal paperwork.

Only two people can be on a marriage certificate, but three people can be on a mortgage! We've jointly owned a house for almost a year and a half and it's been so much work but so nice to have our privacy.

My partners get jealous of one another, that's normal. They know to communicate that feeling with me so I can give them some 1 on 1 time or special attention.

If me and one of my partners are struggling in our relationship, I DONT vent to my other partner and just give a basic 'I'm working through something with X right now'. I know too many polycules that have become a drama mosh-pit. 😓

My partners can be friends, or lovers, or simple acquaintances but THEY decide that and I don't push them to do anything except communicate when needed. My partners are introverts and it's taken years for them to build up their platonic relationship lol

Yes, I do occasionally get double-teamed in sexy ways (less than you'd think). 90% of the double-teaming I get is both of them calling me short or agreeing that I'm cute when I'm angy about trivial things, though. 😾

My partners now consider each other metamores, friends, and team-mates. My lesbian partner calls my male partner their 'husband in-law' sometimes, particularly when they want something from him.

Sometimes my partners bicker and I think it's cute bc it means they've become very comfortable with each other. If they have an actual issue I just encourage them to talk about it/I don't try to fix it for them.

We generally live a comfy, laid-back life and do all the mundane things you'd expect of mid-twenties to early-thirties folk- raising two dogs, fixing the sink, caving and ordering taco bell, forgetting to make that appointment, griping about the economy, bringing home plants, watching birds fight over the bird feeder, and sleeping in on the weekends. We just do it with 3. ☘️

Extra note: Polygamy is a term used in religious and male-centric plural partner situations. We use polyamory, polyfidelity, harem (jokingly), and thrupple to describe ourselves. Maybe some use polygamy and like it, but where we live (Utah) the term is generally reserved for fundentalist mormons.

There's probably a lot more to say, so maybe this is just a part 1. Feel free to ask me questions or comment with your own hinge experience (or tell me about your thrupple ocs)!

[screampotato]

as a transmasc whos had a complicated relationship (haha ship boat ship) w hearing people talk about objects w the same pronouns as they talk abt me, and also more primarily as a transmasc who likes to think HUGE, why dont (or moreso, why cant we now) refer to boats (at least/relevant thing for rn) as he? i mean the huge brained thing would be designing neos for your boat (id love to hear the discourse between marine workers abt what pronouns the boat would have. can you imagine) but idk, whatd happen if you he/him'd a boat? would your peers take the change in stride after thinking about it? would there be some sort of strange peer group split about people deciding he/him should be valid vs staying she/her?

anyway sorry if this is insane im autistic but instead of only failing social situations i also think of novel insane social situations. i think we should just have more fun w weird pronouns in situations like that. the "being out at sea for too long" generated pronouns would go really hard i think.

Hi there! This is a more elaborate version of a question a lot of people have been asking. The reason boats are she is steeped in a lot of (most likely sexist) history. These days people in the marine industry are not thinking of the pronouns in that way, really, or in any particular way, except as a way to vaguely personify the boat, because that is just how we see them. It's not explicitly granting her feminine characteristics, it's just respecting her totality, as an individual (very few boats or ships are identical to another, they tend to be unique) and as more than the sum of her parts, and from my point of view as a designer, sort of arguing for the need to respect her as an integrated whole where every system affects every other system, not just an assortment of independent systems.

Could you call a boat "he"? You could. I remarked in a couple of other places that if you wanted to make it stick, you'd have to actually make it part of the name, like "Empress Sophia (he/him)". Actually register him like that and paint it on the hull. It would be hilarious. Whether people would respect it or not I don't know, no doubt some would, others might try but forget because the she habit is so ingrained, others would just ignore it altogether. You might run a risk of people just reverting to "it" in confusion.

If I personally just started using "he" for boats in a professional setting, people would find it very weird, but also funny, and would eventually put it down to a personal eccentricity, of which there is no shortage in this line of work. They would be unlikely to follow suit.

As an aside, the fact that calling a boat she doesn't confer feminine characteristics also means that you can say amusingly gender-bent phrases like "she's a big lad" if it makes you happy.

[sophieinwonderland]

the trend of former pro endos switching to calling themselves endo neutral pisses me off. like you obviously know we exist otherwise you wouldnt have been pro endo in the first place. but youre just calling yourself endo neutral now because youre scared to be associated with the "bad" pro endos. but why the hell arent you standing your ground, standing with your label, your community, and showing people not all pro endos are "bad"? instead you back out of the crossfire out of cowardice. if youre that scared of conflict, do not get into discourse! conflict is like 90% of discourse?! what are you gonna do when an endo neutral scandal happens and THAT label is "tainted"? will you finally leave syscourse? I would ask if you'd become anti endo, but that side already has a million scandals and problems with it im sure you wouldn't be able to touch with a 10 foot pole

ugh anyways. sorry this is angry and im using your askbox sort of as a confession box since you were talking about it. hope you dont mind more askbox bloat </3

It's no problem. I feel the same.

I'm not really sure how much of a trend it actually is. Even if there are a small handful of examples.

In my opinion though, if all it takes for you to decide to be "neutral" on a marginalized community is a few members doing things you don't like then you never really supported them to begin with.

I'm sorry, you want a community to basically be a monolith that all thinks the exact same way rather than a complex diverse group of people, and if they can't do that then they aren't worthy of your support anymore?

There is no community on Earth that is going to meet your standards. And we shouldn't be expected to.

Here is my theory on at least some of these former pro-endos.

I think that there are at least a few white knights out there who see endogenic systems more as just being a class of "victims" than actual human beings. And if we stray from the path of the perfect victim then it's decided that we no longer deserve help or support.

And it feels like for this group that they are super focused on being on the right side and, more importantly, being seen as being on the right side. That their actual motivations for leaving is just not wanting the association with anyone who could be less than perfect. To put it more bluntly, they are only allies insofar as it benefits their own image.

If your support of endogenic systems is conditional, and something that you plan on revoking the moment that you realize that they are actual people, I would rather not have it at all.

[transgenderism-horror]

i do absolutely think "love negativity" does exist, especially for queer people. being yelled at for holding my boyfriend's hand in public isnt love positivity, thats for sure. even the influx of aros and aces saying they dont want to see people kissing at pride isnt love positivity. i know people like to deny that happens, but as an aromantic who's been openly aromantic for over a decade and in many aromantic spaces, i have followed several aro people who've said they dont want to see people kissing in public, even at pride. which, again, sounds like love negativity to me. specifically directed at other queer people, which also leads into homophobia and biphobia.

i completely understand being loveless and all, but gay people have and do experience oppression for the love that they have. "love wins" is played out, but was vitally important. saying "comraderie wins" doesnt have the same ring to it when im not being comrades with someone im getting married to, im in love with them.

the concept of being loveless, subverting the expectations society has for what being a good person is, and enjoying life without love arent mutually exclusive to people experiencing oppression for their love. aro/ace people arent immune to being homophobic the same way gay people arent immune to being aphobic and the people i have encountered in the aro/ace community have just about the same proclivity to call gay people gross for having sex as gay people have the proclivity to make fun of asexuals for not having sex. ive been shamed for having sex, enjoying romance, and having a long term relationship as an aromantic more than ive had people shame me for being aromantic.

essentially, there's nuance to everything and saying broad sweeping statements like "X doesnt exist" about anything having to do with the queer experience is a massive pitfall in every discourse space. i wouldnt say aphobia doesnt exist just because ive experienced it less, or lesbophobia doesnt exist because a lot of governments didnt know they were real so they couldnt illegalize them, because it negates all the breadth of nuance that the world provides for us. in the good and in the bad.

"No more asks about this" ignored again. Okay okay

And it's funny that if, you read my post again, I was talking about a very broad concept of love, not just romantic. I in no way denied the oppression what people who date the same gender go through! Which would be a funny thing to do! Because I'm a same-gender attracted person and I identify as lesbian in the past! You'd be surprised how much I know about these issues, so you don't need to explain it to me at all! Funny thing, isn't?

I was referring to the fact that, even though certain forms of love are demonized, people still expect us to love. People still expect us to experience family love. Friendship love. Love in general. And we have to love in the right way, in the neurotypical, white way, built according to western standards. And if we don't live up to these expectations, we are ostracized and dehumanized. Love is a requirement for humanity. This is not a problem specific to just one context.

And about the "camaraderie" thing, I was just responding to the argument that "love wins" is an anti-war slogan, which honestly, seems very reductive. Love is not something inherently revolutionary. And it's not the only positive emotion there is. Also, love, in technical terms, says nothing about what someone thinks of another person. In a christian context, people often say that God "loves the sinner, but does not love the sin". My shitty father also says he loves me, like many shitty fathers. Okay, you love me. But do you respect me? Do you understand me? Do you perceive me? There must be more than just love to change the world. But anyway, this is just me commenting on my personal view on love.

I think I derail a little, but whatever. I'm not in a good mindset to provide an answer. I just want to say that I think you didn't understand me at all and at this point I'm too tired to explain myself.

[taegularities]

So, about the fighting over jungkook's new album, i saw that too. You see, you guys a fanfic writer, a creator, that makes you guys artists too somehow. So lemme ask you a question;

Say you posted a snippet of your upcoming fic just some tags abt it, after coming out of long long writer block, the fic was about some topic you never touched before. People went batshit crazy, calling you names, a sell out, lazy ass mf, how they didnt 'expect it' from you, but they havent even read the whole fic, let alone hearing to you out about the whole process?

so, what would you do about it? what would you FEEL about it?

Oh i bet you'd feel awful, let down, confused, maybe a lil bit anger with attitude of "Oh you know what, I dont owe YOU anything. MY fic, MY story." or something along the line some of you writers always preach up, right?

Hell, yes. it is true. just like you people dont owe us anything, NEITHER does Jungkook. Whatever feeling you have abt the album thats NOT EVEN OUT YET, it's a YOU problem.

acting like you're on a high horse just bcs you think you KNEW better than him and then acting out when people confront abt it. you're the one who's disrespecting him. why does this happen everytime and why do some of you still care.

This ONE album does not ERASE Jungkook's and BTS history. it's just an album. If it doesnt 'vibe' with you no more then the way out is over there. Easy.

see, with messages like these i can never tell whether you're talking about a general 'you' or me specifically, too. bc the only thing i said was that i'm sad he didn't write or produce any of the songs bc i'm more a still with you kinda girly.. that's just my personal taste in music, and the songs he didn't write/produce were good but not 100% my style, is all. i'm still curious about his album and would never judge its sound when — as you said — idek what it'll be like.

your comparison to fics makes sense, and yes, most of us creators would be offended if someone said these things, but i still think people are allowed to say what they feel. i haven't seen anyone blatantly discredit or invalidate the work bts has done so far, and if they did, i'm sorry you had to see it. most of the discourse i've seen is more about ppl either not vibing with the album or others bashing others for not vibing with it. we all still love bts and consider them a safe space — one album will definitely not make anyone forget the things they've done for us. those who do... i don't claim those armys lol. and i think people can have opinions without thinking jungkook owes us anything, just like i know some ppl might not like my fics without thinking i owe them good stories, does that make sense? just. in general, as you mentioned, we should just stop caring about what other people think, yk.

bc if we told armys who are disappointed or not liking this phase to keep their opinion to themselves, ppl will stop expressing themselves altogether, and that's not fair. and i guess that's why armys are often scared to air their thoughts, too.

[tarot-tea-cafe]

Welcome To The Café

Im Bridger, i run @vapour-ofthe-moon, @pagan-witch-culture-is, and other blogs!

this blog mainly talks about tarot, herbs&spices, tea and witchcraft, but is open to discussing some other topics (just dont derail posts from their original topic please).

readings open please support me /nf

please dni if: (more to be added in the future)

youre a terf/radfem,

anti-mspec, including lesbians/gays.

anti-lesboys/turigirls

against any of the lgbtqia,

ant-recovery, or are pro-ana/pro-ed/thinspo or have weight goals on your acc

anti-agere/petre, sexualize such or think its anything other than a coping mechanism or for fun. (regression is strictly sfw)

anti-witchcraft, paganism, anti-Semitism/Islamophobic or support such

(pro)endo/non-traumagenic,

(pro)pedo/map, a kink/18+ only/nsfw blog or a discourse blog,

believe in "narc" abuse or villainize cluster b disorders,

romanticize yanderes or use/call yourself yandere but don't have bpd or old,

disrespect peopls triggers or them for their beliefs,

mock people for any reason(disabled, their interests etc).

that said, please have a seat at any table and feel free to ask questions!

Do You Do Tarot Readings?

yup! i dont consider myself the #1 expert but I'm happy to do single card readings for free. though i'd rather do spread readings for a commission as it takes my time, i now have it available on my kofi!

Are You a Practicing Witch?

yes! im a pagan witch who's been into the craft for quite a few years now!

i hope to share with you my findings on tarot, herbs and more!

i have an old grimoire post series on my previous blog but neither are active and i plan on remaking the series here later, so if you'd like to know more about my craft stay tuned!

Are Non-Witches Allowed To Interact?

Yes! anyone interested in any part of this blog be it tarot, plants or what have you is welcome so long as you dont cross my dni and arent disrespectful !

this is a safe space meant to be judgemental free, leave the negative outside the cafe door!

hope you enjoy yourself here!

Cafe Menu (#cafe menu)

~ Teas ~

1 . 2 . 3

~ Treats ~

~ Tarot Readings ~

- daily pull - card of the month (example) - yes/no reading - about tarot cards - spread readings

~ Herbs/Spices ~

1 . 2 . 3

~ Bridger's Grimoire ~ (#bridgers grimoire)

tags:

-#cafe menu -#anon customer asks / #customer asks -#all about tarot -#all about suits / #all about the suits -#cafe treats / #bridgers recipes (subject to change) -#herbal facts with koi -#bridgers grimoire (not official, subject to change)

to be updated

[starlxngs]

About Me

Hi, I'm Star, I'm 25 years old!

This is basically my blog where I post abt things I have daydreams about but am too shy to admit to.

Not taken and not looking.

DO ♡

Interact, like, rb, follow, etc.

Spam like/spam rb

DM me if I personally know you

Call me Star, Luna, Nova, or any variation of those that you'd like to call me!

Chat me up if I know you

Be kind, enjoy yourself, have a good time

DONT X

Call me any type of pet name or title if I do not personally know you or have consented

Send or ask for any type of photograph or Identifying information about me or yourself

Leave comments or fantasies on my posts

Ask to DM me if I do not know you

Only talk to me to try to get lewds or 18+ content from me

Romance me, flirt with me, make moves on me, etc. If I do not personally know you

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[system-of-a-schizo]

Topic: My thoughts on non-disordered multiplicity and endogenic systems.

Content warnings: Spirituality is a main topic if that's potentially triggering for anyone

Intro

So endogenic systems are, allegedly, systems that didn't form from trauma. Seperate from complex dissociative disorders which can't form without trauma, making them, by default, traumagenic systems. Endo- being Greek for "inner - internal - within", Trauma- being Greek for "wound", and -genic being Greek for "having the nature of - to be caused by" and stemming from "genisis" which is Greek for "origin - the beginning".

Now there's a lot of discourse, known as syscourse, over the validity of endogenic systems driven by the belief that one cannot be a system without trauma. Some believe endos have trauma that they have no memory of due to amnesia and are misinformed, others believe they're kids who are trying to pathologicalize (or however you spell it) role-playing/having imaginary friends, while others believe they're taking part in a trend. I'm sure all three of these beliefs are based in reality, especially with all the misinformation on CDDs. But I want to focus on the systems that never claimed to have a complex dissociative disorder to begin with.

Non-Disordered Multiplicity

Thoughtforms are identities created in spiritual practices such as Tulpamancy and Daemonism trough a meditative process. This is where dissociation comes into play. I don't exactly have all the words for it but, like the mind of a scared child, the mind of a focused adult/young-adult creates something when in this dissociated state. The child's mind doing it as a means of protection and the (young-)adult's mind being influenced by their own intention. Which sets an alter apart from a thoughtform. This is just my theory of a scientific explanation of a spiritual practice.

What Does This Have to Do with Endogenic Systems?

Imagine that you, for whatever reason, want to achieve systemhood. Maybe to cope with past or recent trauma in a way that mimicked the protective mechanism of complex dissociation, maybe because you thought it would be cool, or maybe you're one of those "trans-ID" people, whatever. Either way, you want to be a system and stumble upon a way to make that happen.

Or maybe you stumbled upon one of the mentioned practices and you figured, for whatever reason, you'd try it out. Or you created some thoughtforms unintentionally through your own spiritual meditation practice or under the impression you were just interacting with an imaginary friend, a maladaptive daydream, or even just something you assumed everyone did and you end up with some thoughtforms on your hands. And you discover an entire community of people in a similar situation who call themselves "systems". And with the "multiple minds in one body" thing, you figured you'd follow suit as an endogenic system.

Sources:

https://www.sciencealert.com/meditation-and-mindfulness-have-a-dark-side-that-we-dont-talk-about

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulpa

https://pluralpedia.org/w/Daemon

I know this isn't a lot but like I said, these are just my thoughts. I found the first link provided yesterday on my Google discovery page, skimmed through it, and the gears in my head started turning (potentally fueled by my schizotypal traits, making this a literal schizo post at almost 3 in the morning).

Disclaimer

I'm not pro- or anti- anything. Having to pick a side is triggering and will send me into an episode of sorts that I'd rather not have. I am a partial DID system that does what it wants.

[knucklesex]

hey i'm sorry for the intrusion but i saw you rbed this post abt toonimal kamariya/755417844563460096 and i just wanted to give you a heads up, the "toonimal callout" was specifically abt him running a "pedophile liberation" site that welcomes minors and adults. it wasn't just targeting him for being trans, a lot of the people speaking out abt it are trans, as are some of the victims on the site. efsp/738237205819146240 and like there's definitely still issues with how people responded, esp w how the victims were often included in posts as well, and there's still plenty of fair criticisms abt the right way to handle someone doing harm, but also there's been this push to frame the situation as if he was just targeted for being trans and didn't do anything, and that's definitely not the case. ofc not accusing you of supporting his actions i just saw you had radqueers dni in your pinned and that's like, exactly how he branded himself, so i figured you'd never heard of him before

you don't have to apologise. and i understand where you're coming from. idk what the OP of the post meant specifically, so sorry in advance if they meant something else entirely, but my opinion of the situation was and is this: (sorry cause i already know im going to ramble and go on tangents)

firstly, idc about paraphilias. while i really dont want to talk to a pedophile or zoophile for my own peace of mind, i realise that a lot of these people are "anti-contact" and are like this because of trauma. ocd also intersects with these paraphilias which yk, also not anyone's fault. the "radqueers dni" in my intro is for pedophiles and zoophiles (im uncomfortable with interaction from anyone who posts about those things) and no other paraphiles. it's also for transid people- whom I actually hate w my whole heart. i dont support the whole transaged or transabled or transrace bullshit. radqueers dni is mostly for transid people.

now about toonimal: irdc if he's a pedo or zoo. i do care about the other allegations that have been made, such as him being pro-contact and talking about sex to minors. while this callout shit was happening tho, most people did not even mention those last parts or they didn't know about all that. literally every other post i can find on the topic harps about how him being a pedo and zoo is The Problem.

some of them do mention the creepy behaviour towards minors, which i think should be what we focus on, instead of preaching about The Dangers of Paraphilia Pride. like genuinely idc if he posts gross digital art or whatever tf, i care that he has a large following and lets minors join what should be adult spaces and is def dangerous. if there's anything else like that he's done/doing, lmk.

there was a large subset of trans people who were "condemning" him for being a paraphile from what i can remember and like, i dont like that that's what they were focusing on instead of all the objectively wrong shit he's done. it's very Cutting Out The Bad Kind of Trans Rep, yk. he wasn't the first paraphile blog on Tumblr to be called out, too, and i remember sooo many posts just floating around on my literal dashboard- which typically doesn't have any non-political discourse- basically going like, "look this trans person here is a proud [x]phile!!! mass report them!!!" and then i would look at said person's blog and find nothing objectively wrong. no creepy xphileposting or whatever, just posts about Being a xphile. obviously not the same issue as toonimal, but this is the direction the discourse flowed in.

i more or less don't care about the toonimal discourse, i have literally no way to help the victims and im not going to call the cops on a microinfluencer across the ocean. i just dont like how often i see people jumping on a chance to call a trans person problematic and dangerous and how they'll often try to share the sentiment (actual words I've read), "see trans pride is good and all BUT" as if transgenderism is to blame here. the narrative, especially in cis spaces, shifts to (or starts with) "look at this account with a furry icon and rainbow banner!! they're a proud pedophile!! how dangerous". it really affects the trans community as a whole when instead of taking Actual action, actually boycotting, they talk about the person for WEEKS, weeks where "gay, furry, trans, pedo" is all that accumulates into people's brains. and other trans people do this too obv but theyre vehemently like this is NOT trans pride guys, please dont think we're like THAT person.

atp im too tired to keep typing though there's still stuff id like to elaborate on. but basically what i mean is: i dont think toonimal is innocent at all, i also dont think most (80%) of the people calling him out were completely innocent. like u said, there were problems with the way this was handled. imo the people who only discovered this shit by reading posts and not because they know anyone involved-- most of those people easily forgot the actual creepy shit he did. they were too busy making quirky memes and calling paraphiliacs disgusting, as if that has anything to do with yk. actual actions.

if u think there's more i should know about, feel free to lmk.

[gallantblade]

sending this as an ask rather than continuing that rb chain but 👍👍👍 merry continuation of your homestuck travels! i feel like i should also warn abt the controversial content tickbox actually BECAUSE I FORGOT WHEN I MADE MY REPLY.... which is that the final thing it unlocks (after completion of the comic) called "skaianet_systems" should be like... mostly ignored. (i say, with a harrowed look) it's old lore notes from like 2009-2010 that are very offensive and juvenile (even for early homestuck standards) and i believe were never actually officially released, just leaked? that hussie disavowed once they were public.

So. literally just because i remembered it does exist in the collection. and if you're all first time readers it should be um, noted, that they are considered bad and noncanon even by hussie.

as for why i say to activate the controversial content box after act 6, that's just because the few changes before act 6 it activates are just music changes. the first two are because a guy had a falling out, and the third because it was literally plagarised. all are (imo) worse and less iconic than what replaced them anyway. it's just so you don't accidentally catch those in their worse state. the SINGULAR piece of controversial content that it activates post act EoA5 (but BEFORE the end of the comic) is. the funniest rescinded joke in homestuck. (page 5723)

i have other random wisdoms to dispense but! i dont want to feel like im intruding lmaoo. though if you wanna know when you'd catch up to my first ever readthrough i caught up on page 5421. so past that i was Present For The Fucking Discourse. If You Are Ever Curious. On Like Fan Reception To Anything After That. hmu i guess.

Sure thing, and thanks for the heads up! Right now we're in the middle of Act 5 Act 2; I don't remember what page but the last time we got together we spent the session going through Alterniabound. So page 5421 is a bit of a ways off but I'll try to remember to poke you when we get there :)

[agedre-kitty]

info about requests:

i take requests for moodboards and stimboards for any fandoms, except the ones on my blacklist! please make sure to include a theme and mention if you want any gender inclinations (gender neutral and any genders are obviously valid options! just let me know), as well as anything you dont want me to include in your request!

i also take requests for moodboards, stimboards, outfit boards and activities/caregiver content for general themes (ej: "activities for a puppy regressor who likes to be outside")

i dont take hc requests rn, sorry!

feel free to be as vague or as specific as you'd like in your request 💜

whitelist: (bolds are favs)

brawl stars

my little pony: friendship is magic

paw patrol

atla

undertale

general themes (i love cats, purple, puppies, shiny things, etc)

pride flags

feel free to ask abt any other sources!

blacklist:

disclaimer: some of the things in this list are there because i'm personally uncomfortable with them (a lot of times it has to do with my ocd), but i might not necessarily think they're problematic. i just won't do requests with them.

jelly stims (i can include a few if u want, but i'll avoid making stimboards with just jelly gifs)

minecraft (srry about this one lol)

specifically pink bunnies

real people

bn/ha

e/dsworld

m/elanie m/artinez

v/ocaloid

c/avetown

raw meat

coraline (too horror-ish for me when i feel little, sorry!)

hospitals or similar themes (plasters r fine!)

anything not child safe (such horror, discourse, etc)

feel free to ask about anything else if you're unsure!

also, i tag most common triggers, but please let me know if you'd like me to use tws for anything specific, i don't mind. same for anyone who needs tonetags, just let me know.

Dni: lgbt+ exclusionists, r/adfems, ns/fw, e/d, s/h or discourse blogs, pr0ship, anti-agere/petre/sfw cglre or if you call people cringe because of their interests.

[lemonaderaid]

hufflepuff-rave, abuse, and the missing husband thing: from her ex friend’s point of view

this is about whole “abusive wife”/”missing husband” situation, and what i know about mel (dillon’s abuser and wife) through being her close friend for 5+ years. it’s a long post, so there’s your warning.

here’s another ample content warning for abuse, misgendering, gaslighting, and general...drama? i guess? here we go kiddos!

after this post, particularly with this reblog went pretty viral both on here and on facebook recently, i figured it was my time to step up along with my friend, @jackstoney , and personally come out in support of all of the abuse accusations that have been made against mel, as i was one of her closest friends for 5+ years.

as jack did in his post, i’m simply going to be referring to her as “mel” because i would prefer that she NOT get stalked, harassed, doxxed, etc. as i said, i used to be her friend, and thus i still do have some regard for her and her mom’s personal safety and privacy despite the fact that they’re bad people.

to make my stance on dillon himself quite clear from the outset, i was always fed really varying information about him from mel herself. as exhibited by her blog, if you go and search “dillon” and scroll back a bit far, you’ll see that she has wildly varying, black and white perspectives about him. that’s how it was when we talked, and that’s how she is about seemingly everyone; particularly her ex boyfriends. if you search “brayden” or “jackson” on her blog, you’ll get pretty similar posts. the point is that i don’t know what’s true or false about dillon’s life and personality, i just know the information she’s told me or that i’ve seen on her facebook or tumblr. as i said, we were friends for 5 years, and i knew her before she ever met dillon.

as jack explains pretty sufficiently in his post, which i linked above, mel has a very obsessive, very clingy and overbearing personality, and a high probability of mental illness associated with the drastic lengths she’ll go to to keep someone trapped in really any kind of relationship with her. THIS IS NOT INHERENTLY A BAD THING. i’m not a professional, and i won’t make an armchair diagnosis based on what i know about her, but i will say that she’s never mentioned to me anything about trying to improve and work beyond her numerous issues. (unlike how she is presently trying to pin a schizophrenia diagnosis on dillon after only speaking on the phone to a doctor herself, ONCE.)

i felt this way when i was friends with her, very much so. this sideblog of hers, particularly these three posts (1 , 2 , 3) are about me, and the fact that, while we were friends, i decided to do matching icons with my still-current boyfriend on facebook. this happened on a couple of occasions because we found neat looking icons and, since we were, yknow, partners, we figured it’d be cool to match for a couple weeks. as you can see by the posts i linked, mel didn’t like this. at all

here’s another sideblog of hers that she made for dillon to post about her...let’s just call it unhealthy obsession, as shown pretty well by this particular tag. WARNING: some very nsfw stuff is on here

here are a few texts i have from her to me talking about how, despite having NEVER ONCE spoken to my boyfriend and actively refusing to talk to him even though i said i’d like them to meet, she’s extremely “possessive” of me

little unimportant note: she refers to herself as kyle and me as stan because she was really into south park, and she saw those two characters as having a similar relationship to ours

coming from a person who has bpd (me), this all, to me, rings very familiar and relatable bells in my head. keep in mind i’m not accusing her of having it, but coming from someone who is very overprotective of their friends and datemate(s) (frank and i are poly), this all sounds like the reasoning my brain tries to do with itself when anyone befriends a person who gives me “bad vibes”. the thing is that i don’t actively silence my friends or whoever from talking about a person that makes them happy just because of the fact i don’t know them. this is something she NEVER tried to avoid doing. she was always upfront with me about how much frank unnerved her, despite never meeting them and ignoring their attempts to try and assure her that they weren’t trying to take me away.

the following screenshots are about the decision jack made to break up with her shortly after he’d gone back to california to try and look for a job (his post has more necessary context, but the idea is that he was basically trying to make more efforts to get his life to be stable and not go completely broke, and needed to break up with her seeing as her clinginess made him incredibly worn out).

unfortunately, i don’t have that message i sent to the group chat anymore, and i’m afraid i don’t remember what i said, but i know it was a pretty long message about how her coping methods to get over jack (i.e.; getting back with dillon) wasn’t actually helping her and i could see her mental state going to shit

now would also probably be a good time to mention some of the other things she’s done, but i don’t deem to be as relevant to this particular situation such as purposefully misgendering me (using the wrong pronouns, calling me her “sister”, making and getting me heavily gendered gifts she knew i was uncomfortable with), and frequently trying to make people stop talking about their interests and focus on ONLY hers instead, at all times. i do have screenshots of one particular instance of this, but this post is long enough and i feel that those complaints about her character would detract from the main point

long story short, as i’m sure you all are confidently aware at this point, mel is a horrible, manipulative, abusive, and toxic person and SHOULD be avoided at all costs. though I myself am concerned for dillon’s safety at the moment, as no one’s really quite sure where he is, I think that ultimately he would’ve been more unsafe if he stayed with her, judging by these screenshots of his brother’s comment on mel’s facebook post:

EDIT: i forgot to blur out his brother’s name when i originally posted this, and an anon pointed out to me that i probably should, so i did! please respect dillon’s family’s privacy!

i’m very happy that dillon chose to try and run and escape. i’m concerned for his safety right now but i hope he turns up soon, safe and sound, and away from mel forever.

i’d like to personally apologize to dillon, if he ever ends up reading this post somehow, for being extremely judgmental and distrustful of him because of the information mel was feeding me. i don’t know how much of it is true or untrue, but despite everything, i hope you find peace wherever you choose to go. i’m happy you got out. i’m proud of you, i’m proud of jack, i’m proud of myself, and i’m proud of anyone who chooses to break away from an abuser to start over. it’s hard, but you can fucking do it.

if you ever see this, please feel free to get in touch with me if you need help. i’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, if you even knew very much about my existence to begin with; but i sincerely hope you’re doing alright now. -bre

oh yeah, and to mel,

fuck you.

in closing, i’m gonna leave you with the final message i sent to mel to cut off our friendship, cuz i feel like it might end up helping someone going through a hard time with their abuser? idk, but i can always hope. here it is