#i feel really nervous talking about my gender identity

[transinclusionary]

Ok but for someone who says they don’t care or are suppose ally’s to women you get really upset at women/ terfs I’m saying this as a gay trans masc you need to chill bc this just gives them receipts that all trans women are men who are misgonistic and violent seriously stop replying to them if it really doesn’t bother you

Lord have mercy, I'm going to summon the patience to respond, and give you the response this deserves. I'm going to level with you

I have never clarified what my gender identity is beyond "they/them" because I didn't believe my identity mattered beyond, only the content of my words. But if this needs clarification I will provide it so no one misunderstands me. I am not a trans woman. I believe this discourse shouldn't have to be done by trans women exclusively. Why must someone who opposes bigots be marginalized? Why must the marginalized fight the bigotry in their own oppression? Why can't I, a gnc cis passing queer woman be absolutely appalled and moved with rage at how awful these cosplay conservatives tarnish the very lavel activism with their existence?

It's not fucking fair how little people get in the world to help, and they get even less the more layers of intersectionality we get. And the lower you get the less society cares about you. The only thing you can turn to is fucking activism when you get so oppressed everyone has a fucking reason to hate you. So you join feminist circles to gain community, and a twisted fucking surprise, even the people who claim to care about gender liberation "feminists" dont care.

I'm allowed to find the struggles of others maddening, in the same way I would hope good white allies to find racism maddening or men to find sexism infuriating. If you're a good ally you should be MAD that someone of your same intersectionality can't just fucking treat people right.

It shouldn't be on trans women to take the brunt of this, or insist everyone ignores them. They don't ignore trans women! They go to safe spaces for women and harasses them, disseminates their photos, their information, and relentlessly bully them! Respectfully, I do not see how I am guilty for the anger I feel for the complete blatant acts of human depravity it is to bully a group of women who have a scary high suicide rate. By not talking about it and just expecting people to fight this issue with silence, I believe that we don't provide adequate community.

It is not just enough to be not a transmisogynist, you have to be anti-transmisogynists. I should not have to put my life in danger by standing up for black people in a room of trump supporters. But a white person should use what privilege they have to stand up for what's right. If I expect allies to do that for me, I need to do that for groups I'm allied with.

Thank you for reaching out. And in situations like these please, think about what you say. I believe you intended good with this post, but I also believe you could reflect on your words. I don't believe it's fair to call a black women aggressive for anger.

No minority should be responsible for the whole group of people, it's not fair to make minorities play by their bigots rules to be respected. Basic human respect shouldn't be earned through respectability politics.

[fuxuannie]

Hey girl, I LOVED YOUR HEADCANONS. Specifically abt Ken x Reader. If you can write about headcanons abt maybe when he's jealous? You covered literally almost everything in your headcanons, so I have nothing to request except this 😭

❥﹒kenji sato x gender neutral reader

✦. synopsis — part 2 of the kenji sato headcanons because i am totally normal <3

✦. love mail — i swear i promise ill post hsr guys 😞 just let me have my moment w sato i beg. i’ve decided to just do this req + add some more hehe. thank you sm requester for enabling my brain rot! (pls more ppl do so)

✦. tags — NO SPOILERS, fluff, dadgirl kenji, non-intimate/sexual kissing, kenji sato x reader, i wrote this w my brain off again ( ´͈ ᗨ `͈ ;; pls

Jealousy was not fun for the Kenji Sato. Before Emi came along and changed him, I can see him being the type to get jealous easily. Why would you need to talk to other people anyway? You had him, he was the best. He’d make it real obvious too, suddenly wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you close, or the following days he has you wear his iconic jacket while you’re out with him so everyone knows exactly who and what you two are. If it gets to the better of him, he’ll get all pouty about it. He wants all your attention, your eyes all over him and him only. Maybe even hands but that’s a different thing. But I think after Emi’s influence, it’s less possessive and he’s grown to trust you with others instead of letting his feelings get in the way. Of course he’s not immune to jealousy, but you notice it a lot less. It’s less suffocating for you and you’re grateful he’s grown. You did love the pouty face he’d make though, it was cute.

Now if you were jealous, which is really no surprise.. Kenji had thousands of admirers, he had gifts on his doorstep like every other day. He’ll do everything to prove and reassure you that you’re the only one who has his heart. He’ll post you on his social media, take you out on dates, all those things to wash your worries away. Lastly, he’ll hold you in his arms at night and whisper everything he loves about you. Everything you were silently insecure about, he loved. Every date you thought he forgot, he remembered. And to meet a guy like that? How lucky can you be? (He tells you he’s luckier of course. <3)

I think he’s a messy kisser for the most part 🧐. (Forgive me in advance for this part. I am not very good at these things.) When he can take his time, he’s slow and gentle. Genuinely just trying to show you that yeah, he loves you, so damn much. And he’s going to show that through his passion by taking things slow so you can really feel his devotion. Other times, because he’s always in a rush, he’ll do a messy but clearly desperate kiss. He doesn’t like leaving without one, and you can describe him kissing you like it’s his last, (because it’s really not a far-fetched guess considering his line of work) his hand behind your head and pressing your lips against his in an almost ravenous manner. He does give you a very quick kiss on the forehead and runs off after finishing, leaving you a little dazed.

He LOVES to take you out on night rides. If ever you get a little nervous/have a fear of motorcycles, he’ll talk you all the way through via the cardo he put into your helmet. He’ll take you to some nice cafes or restaurants around Tokyo, other time’s he’ll bring you to some favourite childhood spot of his. When you arrive, he’ll tell you about his mother and the memories he’s made in this very special spot. It warms your heart to see his expression be so fond when he talks about his childhood – he truly misses it.

Before you knew of Kenji’s identity, I think it would be funny if you hated Ultraman. You just LOATHED the guy, Kenji asked your thoughts on Ultraman on the first date and you went on a rant about how he threw your car at a Kaiju only to miss. (He felt so embarrassed). It would be funnier if afterwards, he began to actually do his job as Ultraman properly.. and avoided cars on your street and avenue. He wanted to make sure you didn’t utterly hate Ultraman before revealing that he was him.

It would be cute if you and him knew each other like, much earlier. And you called him Ken. And then he made that his alias while he was becoming an All-Star baseball player. :) He’ll brag about it all the time in interviews too, that you’re the reason he uses it. <3

He’s the typa guy to have a picture of you in his room, behind his phone case, in his wallet, in his car and literally anywhere he can get his hands on. He bought a polaroid camera just to take pictures of you, he could care less about the price of film or the camera itself.. he just wanted to have as many pictures of you as possible. He’ll brag about it to his baseball teammates too, considering he also keeps one in his pockets for good luck. :)

You're his goodluck charm. <3

[punkitt-is-here]

Hey everyone! As MANY of you know following last night...

I am a transgender woman!

Big moment for me! I have been for many years actually, I've been out in my public life offline for quite a while now! But I was always nervous about coming out online, for a myriad of reasons I don't really think I need to get into. But! I'm so glad I could come out in the silliest way possible. I'm super honored by all the sweet messages I've been getting, and it has me incredibly overjoyed that everyone has been so supportive of me. Thank you to everyone who supported me on this silly saga, and I hope it's been worth the wait! It feels REALLY nice to finally be out online, as this was really the last space I wasn't "upfront" about it. As much fun as being a mystery was, I much prefer being explicitly a girl online much like I am in real life.

A couple things!!! I don't want this to be everything about me; it's partially why I didn't come out earlier! I've seen how some audiences make the transness of creators their WHOLE thing, and I'd prefer it not be the thing that defines me. I LOVE being trans, and it's a big part of me, but I'd rather be known as someone who makes really cool art and not "that funny trans woman" (even though I am, hehe). I'm super cool with people talking about my transness, just don't make it the only thing about me!

Two, as fun as the pronoun mystery was, it's officially over! Sorry to the any/all-he/him-they/them punkitt truthers out there, btw. (Excited that my energy really isn't genderable at all, though!) So, even if it was fun that I was a gender mystery, I'd prefer everyone refer to me as she/her exclusively! No he/him, and I'd prefer not to be they/them'd consistently (although I know for some people it's the default and it's fine if it slips, and if someone just doesn't know that's not an issue in the slightest). Even if me being a funny gender wizard is entertaining (and it WAS, lemme tell ya) I want to have my identity respected!

ANYWAY that's all that LAME STUFF out of the way; I want to say thank you to everyone who's helped me along the way and the overwhelming support I've had in the time of me coming out to now. I'm incredibly happy I have an audience of such sweet, caring folks, and I can't wait to make more silly, fun stuff for everyone now that I'm truly allowed to be my silly, fun self online. Have a great one, folks! ❤️

[yulin-pop]

⤷ ✧ 𝐇𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐲

order 84 | Scenario | Cater, Jade, Idia, Silver | gender neutral

❀ NOTE: PRETTY BOYS AHHHH, I wonder if all the characters are canonically attractive or are some characters like Ace considered mid?

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re so…”

➺ Cater Diamond

There’s a reason why Cater has so many followers on MagiCam. It’s because he has a cute face!! You’re not sure if he’s aware but he just has to be.

He does these tiny things like brushing the hair out of his face or slightly turning his head when he laughs. You didn’t really realize how pretty he was for a while. Sure, you got nervous just staring at him but now you can’t even look him in the eye.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re so hot…”

He blinked for a moment. He was in the middle of drying his hair when you said that. All he could think is “Oh wow?” He noticed that you’ve been staring at him so intensely for the past few days— maybe weeks.

But you said it straight to his face? He thought he misheard you at first but you definitely said that.

“Wow, I didn’t know you fancied me that way MC!” Admittedly it did fluster him, he was flattering in the best way possible.

“Don’t get it twisted, it’s not in the way you’re thinking!”

You’re in denial.

⊱Jade Leech

He has that certain look to him. It’s different than Floyd even though they’re identical twins. Maybe he’s not aware how MMMMMMM he is but he has to.

Just the way he looks at you can get you weak on the floor. His eyes… You noticed how his eyes squint ever so slightly when he’s focused. He’s calm under any circumstances yet so amusing in his own way. He’s the type of person you’d want to follow around just for the fun of it. And in his own way… he’s just so damn cute too.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re so cute…”

He quickly turned his head to stare at you. He’s not sure what you mean or why. It was so out of the blue. You’ve been stalking him for a while. Of course he knew and allowed it and treated it as if it was normal.

“Pardon? In what way am I… cute?” He turned his head curiously.

“Cute!” You said again.

He wasn’t sure how to feel, the last time someone called him cute was when he was a little kid. Most people would think of Jade as alluring or handsome, cute is something he hasn’t heard in a while.

“If you’re talking about my appearance, you must think Floyd is cute as well.” He says while smiling at you.

“Eh I guess so. But he’s not as cute as you.”

He moved closer, “Tell me, what else do you think of me?”

You put your hands out in front of you, as if to say stop. “Why do you have to be so close..?!”

*ੈ Idia Shroud

It’s already canon that Idia is very attractive from the character archives book and the ghost marriage event while being complete oblivious. He’s charming in his own way.

It’s hard to believe he’s so oblivious to his good looks. His smile is nerdy yet… attractive. His personality is rough but that’s what makes him so fun. Teasing someone like him is hilarious.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re so hot.”

He immediately cranked his head your direction with a baffled expression. He shook his head and let out an irritated squeal.

“Wh-who says stuff like that to somebody’s face?! Online I get it but this is IRL! Why does someone like you even think that?”

He just gets really flustered and ends up rambling about how it doesn’t make sense. But when he looks back on it, it gives him an ego boost for a few minutes and then he’s embarrassed because— it makes him happy that you think of him that way.

-ˋˏ Silver

Unintentional or not, Silver has been seeing you around a lot. He doesn’t think much of it since you’re in the same school so it’s not anything crazy but when he does see you, you’re always staring at him with this… funny expression.

Did he do something wrong? He tries to wave at you when he can but as soon as he turns his head you run away or start acting like you weren’t the one staring first.

But what were you suppose to do? Whenever you saw him, all your attention was diverted to his gentle yet sharp expression. His resting face was already so deadly, you couldn’t imagine if he were to smile.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re so pretty…”

He froze with a puzzled look on his face. This was one of the times you actually started a conversation with him instead of staring and running away and you say something so flirtatious?

“Ah…” He blinked as you gazed into his eyes nervously, “Thank you I suppose.” But in what way was he suppose to take that?

[pigdemonart]

Battle Subway Depot Agents (by pig-demon)

When I made designs for these guys last year I didn’t really think they needed colored references/master post, but since then I’ve drawn them a lot! Also people have added them to their fanfics and drawn fanart! So I figured it was time I made a post for easy ref. :]

These designs are obviously free to use, just give credit (and link me your work if you're comfortable, because it makes me happy to see!) All I request is to stay respectful to their pronouns and skin colors, ya knooow… 👍 note: The pokemon on their cards are all companions, not the ones they use on the Battle Subway. Except Jackie...the litwicks are just there to fill space/give them company.

More info under cut:

Edit: Important disclaimer:

These are again my designs/interpretations for the agents. Please don’t treat them as canon or as the only, quintessential designs for these literal background npcs. Many people have done takes on them before and after me, even back in 2010. It feels silly to ask, but due to past experience, I ask that you please DONT hunt down anyone that does a different take on the depot agents!! 👍

Tags:

I'm gonna start tagging them individually, but for now all Depot Agent comics and art on this blog are tagged under Depot Agents.

Height chart:

I’m not too strict about heights, so I don’t really care about actual measurements. Here’s an approximation of what I tend to visualize though:

Sexualities/Gender Identities: I don't have official labels for each and every agent because I like keeping things fluid for characters to develop these traits on their own. However, as a queer person, I enjoy designing characters who are also queer, therefore I can safely say none of these characters are straight. The ones who are set in stone are Ramses (gay man), Cloud (lesbian woman,) Jackie (non-binary.) Furze uses he/they pronouns but their gender is undetermined. I also welcome anyone giving the agents a different gender identity to suit them (as long as it's done respectfully.)

Notes about each agent...

Cameron:

- Cameron dyes parts of his hair blonde and keeps other parts in black. This is because he is a big fan of Elesa and her fashion choices.  - Though there have been a few occasions to meet his idol, he is always way too nervous to approach her, feeling deep down that he'll mess up somehow. - He practices modeling poses in secret. He loves flourishes and flare, but is simply too insecure to put it on display. - Of his coworkers, he gets along the best with Furze. He's the easiest to talk to because Furze will do most of the talking. - Cameron is easily intimidated — even mean Pokémon can make him nervous. Though, his two worst fears are being left in a room alone with Jackie, and being left alone in a room with Isadore. - He takes advantage of his height to sometimes hide behind some of his coworkers. - Cameron is much better at Pokémon battles than he gives himself credit for. Emmet and Ingo were pleasantly surprised by this, since Cameron was promoted to fit a temporary role on the Battle Subway. They happily made him a permanent member when he proved himself capable. - His Dwebble (Pebby) is secretly very strong, and rushes to protect Cameron when it can. Cam sometimes thinks Pebby helps him feel more confident in himself too.  - If he stumbled into any of his coworkers outside of work, he would simply explode of embarrassment. - He is the youngest child and only son of his family. He lives in his own apartment in Nimbasa.

Cloud:

- Cloud (like Ramses) knew the twins when they were very young. - She used to be an ace trainer in her youth, even going so far to compete in the Pokémon league. Winning and becoming the champ was the most important part of her journey, but something happened along the way that changed that outlook. - It seems with age, her competitiveness has mellowed out. However, she maintains an intense energy when battling.  - Her favorite types are Psychic and Flying types. Swoobat (Sweetie) is her ace.  - Her favorite hobby is baking, and she often bakes sweets for the crew. She knows all their favorite flavors by now! - She prioritizes keeping a friendly relationship with all her coworkers and thinks of them fondly. She considers Ramses family after all the years of working together!  - She is a big fan of Brycen's movies and can recite the lines. - She lives with her wife in Anville. - Cloud loves doing maintenance work both at home and in Gear Station. She enjoys bringing her own tools and industrial flashlight.

Furze:

- Furze only has one volume setting (mid loud,) but he finds himself feeling right at home when talking to either one of the twins. - Furze has ADHD, and this is reflected in some of his habits, most visibly is his fidgeting when sitting still for too long. - He rides a bike to work every day. When he is late, Cloud clocks in for him so he doesn't get in trouble. - This is a kind of a guy that sits crouched gargoyle style on chairs. Only outside of work, of course. Bad posture could get him in trouble. - While working on the Battle Subway, there will be times Furze feels sorry for his opponents and offers to quietly let them pass anyways. This...has also gotten him in trouble. :[ - He went to the same elementary school as Isadore in Castelia. Though Isadore seems to have forgotten their short-lived acquaintance, Furze has not. This is part of the reason Furze claims they are in fact good friends!!! - Furze is the middle child of a big family. He lives with his mom and takes care of her, along with his many Darumakas and Darmanitan. All of his Pokemon have famous trains names. - He collects model trains. Naturally.

Isadore

- Isadore had plans to become the station master the moment he was hired as a depot agent, but alas... (sad trumpet sound.) - As a youth, he was more interested in science and engineering over Pokemon battles. He enjoys the strategizing aspect, at most. Not so much the competitiveness. - In addition, his Pokemon are all rescues and not used for battling. He's had his Watchog (Winston) since he was in his late teens. - His Electrode (Gregor) and Voltorb (Leonard) were rescued from the likes of Team Plasma. - Isadore admits he understands Pokemon better than humans. This has been apparent his whole life. - In spite of acting like a sitcom villain, Isadore cares about the management of Gear Station and the safety of the passengers to an incredible degree. He sees it as a personal life goal to assist in the management of Gear Station, as well as the success of the Battle Subway. - Though it pained him to become a subordinate to the twins, he begrudgingly accepts it for the greater good. - His almost militant efficiency certainly made up for his years of antagonizing the twins before they became the bosses. Ingo and Emmet understand this better than anyone. - Isadore keeps tabs on all of the staff members. So he very well knows all their birthdays and makes it a point to celebrate it. This is by no means a -happy- or -festive- event. It's just customary. - Like Furze, he was originally from Castelia, but now resides in Nimbasa. Isadore's only family is his mom and she lives in his childhood home with their Stoutland. - Isadore would have probably been voiced by every glasses guy ever J. Michael Tatum had he not already been cast as dear Emmet lmao

Jackie

- Jackie is a mystery and they like keeping it that way. When they talk, it's practically impossible to determine what is a lie or truth, especially if the subject is themselves or their background. - They love scaring Cameron the most and will ask to be paired with him whenever possible. They claim Cameron is their "favorite coworker," while Isadore is the least favorite. - It's plain to see why -- Jackie is the only one that doesn't passively tolerate Isadore's tirades. - Though my comics sometimes may allude to Jackie being a ghost/supernatural, this is not confirmed nor canon. I just personally enjoy toying with the concept. : ) That being said...

- Item #: SCP 7453

- Object Class: Euclid

- Special Containment Procedures: The ████ ██████ is ██████ within ████-██████. - Ingo and Emmet choose to not question anything about Jackie, since it's clear they're one of the more efficient workers. However it can be a safety concern... - Cloud and Ramses have worked with Jackie for a long time, though they've forgotten somehow. They believe Jackie is a new hire since they appear to be young. - Anyone trying to make sense of Jackie's employee records simply can't bring themselves to any conclusions. It's better to ignore the inconsistencies. - Jackie has never been seen to leave Gear Station. Jackie has never been seen in anything but their uniform. Jackie has never been confirmed to eat, drink or blink. Jackie knows your secrets. Jackie thinks it's... amusing.

Ramses

- Ramses sometimes misses having a full head of hair, but he thinks his signs of age make him look distinguished. (he is correct.) - Ramses is sort of the "mom friend," making sure everyone's concerns are heard, as well as trying to keep the peace whenever a conflict might arise. - If another coworker is feeling low, Ramses will try to cheer them up with a lighthearted joke or offer advice if they'd like it. - When the twins were promoted to bosses of the Battle Subway, Ramses cried because he felt so proud. - In most circumstances, he is a very simple and logical man. He is quick to find solutions and tries not to fret over the little stuff. It's not good for his heart after all. - His ace is his Pikachu (Musa,) though the mouse is more of a lap pet now. At home, he also has an Audino (Sara) and a Manectric (Nubi) who keep Ramses' husband company. His Klinklang (Moli) is the only one of his personal pokemon that accompany him to work nowadays. - Ramses considers Cloud family. They are best friends and love having family gatherings outside of work. They also gossip a lot, and don't mind when Jackie decides to join. - Ramses jokes about looking forward to retirement, but really doesn't want to leave until he is physically incapable of working anymore. Gear Station is like a second home to him.

In-Game Quotes

The most important reference of all are their in-game quotes, of course, so I'm adding it to the post. A lot of their personality traits can be extracted and interpreted from these few lines. And I personally love that about Pokemon NPCs -- there's a lot of room to explore and play with. Some appear very obvious. Cameron practically announces that he isn't ready for the battle that's about to ensue and seems genuinely surprised to win. Furze comes out the gate talking about the subject they actually care about, which is their job and their love for trains. The two of them are very easy to understand. Now, Ramses lines allude to a gentle and simple personality. He views himself with humility, and maybe even with a bit of humor comparing himself to a train and to his opponent to a station. If he loses he shows no signs of disappointment, he just accepts defeat with one last honest quip. It s also amusing to see the Depot Agents all use train metaphors to describe themselves since it falls in line with how Ingo and Emmet talk.

In comparison, Cloud does the same thing calling herself the terminal instead. Immediately, she is way more daring, though still keeping a sense of professionalism. To me, it's obvious she is competitive as she even admits she was expecting to win ("Ah...I didn't see it coming.") Jackie's lines are fun since it's up to interpretation if they are being literal or lying. It's almost like they are more interested in confusing/creeping out their opponent than actually beating them. To me, it gives off a mischievous vibe. Isadore's opener "There are only two roads in life." is a curious one because it almost feels like he is trying to be philosophical. Definitely a guy who views himself as an intellectual, regardless if that’s true or not. I like to think it's a saying he really believes in, and it applies to his life. The road he likes (long route) vs the road he hates (shortcut) -- fighting tooth and nail to become boss vs biting his tongue and accepting Ingo and Emmet as the Subway Masters.

Those are just my thoughts on how I write these characters. Please have fun playing with these lines too!

[gofishygo]

giggling ab this okay so

imagine gaz n reader, they've just started to date

and reader is trans (ftm) but gaz doesn't know that yet

but then after a few weeks of dating reader is taking their T in the bathroom/bedroom and had forgotten to lock the door & gaz walks in oh no,,

YEAH so!!! i hope that's enough to.. you know. yeah!!!! i 💗 ur fics sm.

(we need more ftm fics RIGHT NOW!!)

whoEVER ANON IS . I LOVE U . Thank u so so so so much 4 this request my fingers have been acting to write m or ftm content u have appealed to my deepest desires . myways this rq is super silly i love chilled out gay mf and nervous closeted trans mf dynamic so much. 

Also posted on trans visibility day lets GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

the same (always changing); kyle 'gaz' garrick + trans male! reader (979 words)

notes: some implied and described internalised transphobia, mentions of transphobia, mentions of gender dysphoria, reader does not have top surgery yet, partial nudity on reader (non-sexual), little hurt/comfort type w/ fluff at the end !!

-

It wasn’t meant to be a secret. It really wasn't.

But here you are, cooped up in the cold premise of your shared bathroom, waiting for the gel to dry into your skin as you stare at your figure in the mirror, noticing the little changes with a strange sense of europhia. You wished you could run back to the arms of your boyfriend as you ramble about how good the hormones have been working, how you can see your outer shell peeling open to show the man who's been living in the inside, a feedback loop that had you seeing yourself in reflections instead of skin and hair and face that you'd barely recognised. Maybe his face would melt into that gorgeous smile, arms pulling you closer to him like he's seeping off the happiness he swears he sees seeping off your skin's pores. But it's the flip of a coin, a winning ticket in an uncertain lottery.

you're not so sure if Kyle would love the kind of person you were.

gender hadn't ever been a point of focus in your conversations, never something that had to be caught and pinned down with word or thought. he was a man, you were a man, and you loved each other. both of you did your best to keep it at that simplicity. but part of you, like the serpent to adam and eve, had always doubted whether kyle would look at you with the same eyes if you somehow ended up showing him your childhood photos or now-invalid passport, the face that was still soaked with dysphoria-ridden tears. 

the gel is still sticking to your ribs when the door practically flies off its hinges slamming against concrete walls and gaping open your closed eyes with ugly sound. There's a groan of exasperation that should make you giggle, but only makes already tense muscles almost turn to stone. "honey, you done ? really need to take a fat shi-" 

And then there's that silence both unsurprising but dreaded, how it felt to inhale smoke. 

You hate the shock as his eyes run over your bare chest in realisation, feeling any words about to come out crawling back into your windpipe as he notices the thin layer of gel and the label of the bottle on the sink. 

"love?" he calls, an endearing substitute replacing your name. you didn’t know if he'd call you that, even after this revelation. Or did he not know what else to call you now that this had been revealed ? "kyle," you echo. 

please just look at me, kyle. 

his eyes still look the same as how they look at you; stormclouds that accompany you on lonely and rainy nights, and your eyes can't help on focus on the pretty shade of grey instead of the battering of water droplets hitting against tin. Not once  does it ever shift to malice or hatred- only worry, for you, maybe. 

"do you want to talk about it right now ?" isn't the response that you expected. It's an gentle offer, and extended hand waiting for you to take or push away, more freeing than astute observations of your perceived identity or the bitter words hissed out when others had realised. You can only nod your head in response. 

"im sorry," you say, and you don’t know how much (what you're) apologising for. Sorry for never telling you. Sorry for making a distance that could have been avoided. Sorry for being this without your permission, anyone else's permission. 

but he's quick to hold you and the shame that you carry , not minding any of the gel residue on his shirt. "hey, no, it's okay," his voice is gentle, reaching out for your secluded self. "remember what I told you when we first started dating?" he puts a hand to your head, playing with your hair as he pulls you closer to him. "I love all of you, dove. Everything." he rests his chin onto your shoulder, murmuring the words into your ear. And you can't help but hug back, clinging to him like a lifeline. Your lifeline. "I love you too," you muse.

you both stay there for a minute before he pulls away with a complaint of some back pain from a recent mission, and you kiss his nose, allowing yourself to smile for the first time since he'd entered the room. "so.." you start, now perched on the rim of the bathtub. "you're ok with me being trans?"

you giggle when he deadpans at you, "love, I just hugged you for 5 full minutes after seeing you apply testosterone instead of taking a shit. I don’t really care if you're trans." 

and after your testosterone dries and you put on your shirt, you both in bed, tangled up in each other's arms. ramblings about little stories or town gossip. professions of grandiose love guised under quiet murmurs. the hormones are still a little crusty on your skin, but they're doing the work that should have been done since birth. 

The same, always changing. 

[pansy-picnics]

A vat7k related question.

What do you think is Hugo's gender identity? Cus I want to hear what you think Hugo's gender is and the story behind it.

EHEHEHE personally i think she’s genderfluid and uses he/she/they pronouns…….I think he was kind of an uncracked egg up until the trials though. like, he’s been in survival mode for so long that he’s never had the time or luxury to really think about himself or his identity….i think he’s had a lot of different disguises over his career though, and those personas are either male or female depending on what the situation calls for so he’s not a stranger to dressing femininely either.

but yeah…i think for a long time hugo just identified as male by default cuz like…what else would he be LOL. if he had any doubts at all they weren’t significantly hindering him or anything so he just buried them with all the other of the emotions he doesn’t want to feel. but like the closet is made of GLASS and this becomes especially obvious when she teams up with 3 other teenagers who are also transgender so sometimes she’ll just Say Shit and they all turn around and look at her like “…….🤨”

i have this very vivid scene in my head where varian comes out to the gang as trans and hes clearly really uneasy abt it. and hugo doesn’t know what to say so he just tries to relate by saying the first thing that comes to mind and goes “oh yeah i get it i mean. sometimes i wish i was a girl but like not all the time yk” and nuru and varian both just stop and stare at him

hugo, getting nervous: …Sorry that’s probably not the same thing forget i said anything

nuru: No i think we should talk about this?

anyways yeah….other than her traveling party giving her some weird looks nothing actually really came of these conversations bc hugo would refuse to think about herself even if you put a gun to her head

fast forward to post-trials though, and hugo’s been living in the castle with varian for about six months…it was REALLY messy for both of them while she was adjusting, but at this point shes finally started to let her guard down a little, and all of a sudden she has SO much free time and she has no idea what to do with any of it. she’s stealing collecting things, tinkering with all kinds of useless little gadgets, rapunzel is teaching her tons of little arts and crafts projects. overall shes pretty content despite everything. So anyways then the gender crisis hits them like a fucking freight train

honestly i’m like half joking when i say i think it started bc they just kept forgetting to cut their hair. like one day they looked in the mirror and they’re like “wow my hairs getting so long i kinda look like a girl lol. Wait”

AND AS FUNNY AS IT IS ITS SO. WILDLY UNFAMILIAR TO THEM. like all of a sudden theyre SO insecure for as far as they can tell, NO reason and it drives them CRAZY. i dont even think that hugo dislikes their masculine features after coming out, i think they embrace them if anything but its just like…going from 0 to 100 so fast and suddenly being so hyper aware of themselves in a way that they NEVER were before…having to realize that they’re definitely Not cis. it’s fucking TERRIFYING!!!

not to mention it hits him all at once during a time when he’s still frankly really paranoid about him and varian’s relationship, and he’s kinda walking on eggshells bc deep down he’s convinced that var’s just gonna get tired of him eventually and kick him out. its like he’s just waiting for the final nail in the coffin despite the fact that there is literally no coffin.

All that being said i think it takes him a while to work up the courage to talk to varian about it. and he knows he won’t like. hate him for being trans or anything (I sure hope he wouldn’t, at least, seeing as he is literally also trans) but varian’s already done SO much for him and helped him through literally everything already….he doesn’t want to burden him any more than he already has. he also cant comprehend that someone can just Like him, like, as a person, so he’s convinced himself that varian must see something specific in him right now and he’s afraid that if he changes himself drastically in any way then whatever varian saw in him just. won’t be there anymore. If that makes sense

as for who he actually goes to first- honestly i think it’d have to be lance. at least in my head lance was the first person hugo really started to bond with aside from varian….he didn’t start letting his guard down with rapunzel until quite a while after that. also i think he’s worried that if he tells rapunzel she’d end up accidentally spilling something to varian (which is like. Valid bc she’s a horrible liar) he’d definitely write a letter to nuru, too, but nuru is also in another kingdom, and that message takes a while to get to her, so it’s more something they talk about after the fact

when he finally does get a letter back after dumping this revelation on her it’s just like

“dearest hugo. upon reading your letter i desperately wanted to tell you that i told you so, but i realize that would be in poor taste, seeing as you are clearly struggling right now. Moreover,-“ /j

regardless of who she tells first, they obviously all support her and encourage her to talk to varian as well…And ofc varian hypes her up to no end when she finally does. i wanna say it’s a sweet emotional scene but i feel like varian was also under the assumption that she figured out the gender thing like a year ago /j

hugo: ,,,,so like. i don’t think i’m a guy

varian: . yeah?

hugo:

hugo: TFYM “YEAH”?????!!!!???

varian: D. DID WE NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS?

hugo: ,???? NO???!!???!

jokes aside though as soon as hugo does decide he wants to explore his presentation more varian immediately consults rapunzel who gets WAY too excited about it and it kind of scares hugo a little bit. /j like Do you want to cut your hair? Dye it? Do you want new piercings? TATTOOS????

they eventually just settle on getting her a few new pieces to add to her wardrobe and that works out fine. varian sees his girlfriend in a dress and loses his mind etc etc. All is right in the world

[these-posts-arent-real]

Time to catch up on your favorite dashboard simulator :3

#gonna start scheduling these for 1 or 2 per day #i really enjoy making them but I think i'll get burnt out otherwise #also HUGE ty to whoever was the anon who sent me the idea #about having therian cats #ohhh my god #hey anon #(or anyone else but im talkin to u) #feel free to dm me to talk at any point you seem cool

15 notes

🔁 🐍xviper-the-fagx reblogged

🫎 mo0sedude Follow

I PASSED MY ASSESSMENT!!! AAAAAHHH

🪺 robbbinpaw Follow

OMSC CONGRATS MOOSE! I'm so happy for you!!!!

🐍 xviper-the-fagx

WOAAAHHH CONGRATULATIONS MOOOSEE!!! Have you had your name ceremony yet??

#im so happy for ya dude #moving on from apprenticeship </3 #gonna miss you in the 'apprentice things' tag

10 notes

🔁 🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow reblogged

🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow

Daily selfie !!!

Trying on some new berry-based fur dye.

🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow

The amount of cats commenting "you'll never be a she-cat" and "wearing fur dye won't make you female" is astounding. Like. Thanks?? I'm a trans guy not a trans girl...

#lol?? #this is so funny to me #trans

4,703 notes

🥬 rxttencatmint Follow

Ahh.. different type of post than usual, but.. mmrrnn... I'm considering coming out to my mentor. I know he's supportive, but I'm really nervous, so, uh.. I'm gonna leave it up to a Clanblr poll haha..

#trans #transmasc #trans tom #transgender #trans apprentice #advice #poll

4 notes

🤍 snwtl Follow

* ,○ ' WELCOME TO MY BLOG ^. o° ;

adult female cat - 49 moons - gender critical

Keep reading

#terfsafe #radfem #adult female cat #terf #riverclan

0 notes

🔁 🥬 rxttencatmint reblogged

🍲 ex-thundrclan-kipper Follow

New neighbors have THE most annoying dog I've ever met in my life. Won't shut up about how that's her yard and to get back... nobody wants your yard Jackie, shut uppp...

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

Since when do you speak dog????

🍲 ex-thundrclan-kipper Follow

I started picking it up when I moved to the twolegplace. I'm still not fluent, but I can hold a conversation with the neighborhood dogs if I want.

#every new thing i learn about kipper #just. wow #he is so coolll... #this is totally not the gender envy and parent issues speaking

2,851 notes

🔁 🌊 missingmyscales reblogged

🦊 foxx--hearted Follow

The worst part about being a fox therian is that even when I am partially accepted, it's usually because cats are telling me how horrible foxes are, and how I should've "picked a different species" because they think that's how it works.

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

Imagine being a fish. In RiverClan.

The closest I ever get to "acceptance" is my friends joking about how I would taste.

🦋 lalala-bluegaze Follow

How does it feel to have to eat the thing your damaged brain thinks you are. Lol

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

Frst off. "Damaged brain" like. Oookay guess we're just being really mean to others on Clanblr today. Second off ,I dont eat fish??? I never even implied that I eat fish.

🦋 lalala-bluegaze Follow

You're from RiverClan lmao. What else is there to eat

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

...

You are joking, right?

Lizards, birds, water voles and shrews, snakes, frogs, toads?? None of those come to mind when you consider the potential diet of a RiverClan warrior??????

🦊 foxx--hearted Follow

@missingmyscales you should probably just block @lalala-bluegaze, her whole blog is about being anti-kittypet, anti-therian, not believing enbies or bisexuals/any other lgbt identity than lesbian or gay or binary trans is valid, and a whole bunch of other stuff. It's not worth talking to her.

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

Ahh thanks... blocked her. I didnt think to check her blog beforehand

#sorry again for arguing on your post, Maple #saw a misconception ab RiverClan and blacked out lol

407 notes

🔁 🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass reblogged

🌾 barncat-vibes Follow

Good morning everyone <3 remember to eat breakfast and stay hydrated!

2,301 notes

🐍 xviper-the-fagx

Ithunk i atw a bug

#it difnr taste good euther :/

1 note

🌱 dirtdigger-23 Follow

So I guess I'm just on this site now?? Clanblr is gone. I can't access any of its posts. But. I can see "Tumblr". Which is weird. The posts are really strange here.

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello, young queer person here! I was hoping you could give me some advice.

I’m nearing the legal adult age, which is the age I feel ready to physically enter queer spaces. I have one big problem, however. I am afraid of alcohol and drunk people. It’s a purely irrational fear, not really stemming from anything traumatizing. I just get early nervous being around drunk people. I think I could put up with it in a club, but there’ no way I could ever enter a bar/pub. Problem, most queer spaces are bars!!!

Are there any other, non-alcoholic types of establishments that are commonly queer spaces? Things I could fill into a ‘queer [_] near me’ search? I just wanna meet more queer people, but I won’t be able to do so comfortably if I’m surrounded by alcohol.

hello there, this is an extremely important issue that i feel not a lot of people talk about, so i'd like to give some advice for sure

the thing to keep in mind is its usually best to stay away from alcohol at a young age anyway, due to how its likely to be far more damaging to your body anyway, it's not good to be around. plus alcohol just adds an element of unpredictability which can turn sour very quickly, so that's understandable!

i would say a good first stop is checking to see if your local university has an LGBTQ group or something to that effect where you can ask about resources in the local area. if not you may be able to google lgbt/queer (or specific identity) events in my area, you can check to see if you have a trans resource center, sometimes gender affirming care clinics can try to put you in touch with queer organizations and spaces for people who are either minors or need other places to go that aren't oriented around alcohol. it's going to depend on the political climate of your local area, so your mileage will vary

your local library/ies may have information on this as well- many libraries have tons of resources for queer organizations and meet-ups, some even advertise specifically through the library since they have 'all ages' friendly events! i've found a few queer things in my city that i wasn't aware of before thanks to my local library, so it's worth a shot to give them a look if possible!

some people have a local committee who are great at posting about this kind of stuff on social media, so you may want to check facebook and instagram. it may be possible to find smaller, grassroots get-togethers, more low-key events, events safe for children and people under the legal drinking age, or other people who do not want to be around alcohol on these types of platforms, i find that instagram is used a lot for these kinds of things. you may just have to search for certain queer keywords in your area before you find something appropriate for your needs. you may also be able to search for your local area on reddit but that'll depend as well.

i hope any of that is of use to you! take care, i know it's not easy whenever you have certain trigger or thing you need to avoid for one reason or another. let us know if you need any more information!

[aro-culture-is]

Hey, I’m still a minor but I’ve been really stressing about this lately. I really want to know if aromantic is the right label for me, since I previously identified as a bisexual.

I’ve, like, NEVER had a crush. I want to. I love romance novels, couples, the idea of romance. But then I talked to my friends and family and realized that what I thought was a crush just…wasn’t.

I didn’t feel butterflies, or nervous, or ANYTHING. I genuinely thought butterflies in your stomach was something that people made up, like getting nosebleeds when something is sexually implicit or shirtless ppl r shown (stupid, I know, but heteronormativity is really ingrained in me). I wasn’t even INTERESTED in the person. Examples, if it would help: first grade, I saw pretty boy, tried to play with him and followed him around at recess, looking back I just wanted a friend and he just happened to be attractive. Third grade, saw pretty boy, literally did not interact with him nor did I want to, but called him my crush bc I thought finding someone attractive=crush. My friend got with him, I wasn’t heartbroken and even tried to set them up and tried to tell them of the other’s feelings (despite the two of them being aware) like I was a little Cupid. Third grade pt 2, saw second most pretty boy imo (notice a theme here?) had dreams of both of my third grade crushes saving me from monkeys and I was a princess and they were in knight armor until the end where they’d take off the helmet n kiss me, but I had to consciously change the face after my friend got w the guy bc I felt bad. BUT I NEVER TALKED TO EITHER OF THEM????? Like, with pretty boy 3, let’s call him C, I didn’t really talk or try to get close with him or even was interested in him, same w the previous two. I thought I had fictional crushes on both boys and girls (hence the bisexuality identification) only to realize finding someone attractive=/= having a crush. And now I’m so confused and devastated????????

I am interested in both romance and sex, but I just don’t have crushes??? I know that, most likely, there is nothing wrong with me, like rationally, but I don’t feel that way???? I’ve always wanted a wedding n kids, but I’ve never imagined it with another person, like having a wedding n there being my partner. I always imagined going solo in my beautiful dress, never stopping to consider that a partner would be there. I also think I want kids, but that might be my parent’s pressures talking. My dad has also said that “there’s only one natural orientation” and says there’s nothing wrong with having a crush (I don’t think he realizes that I genuinely never had a crush) so I’m also really upset on that part. All I want to do is fit in socially, to make my parents happy, to do what I love, and have someone to love. I’m upset and confused and I took a quiz, twice, got cupioromantic, searched up the definition, realized it was me, got scared, so I’m just fishing for validation at this point. I hope I’m at least grey romantic, because I WANT to have romance, and be happy with one person. I don’t want to be a single cat lady (no hate if that’s you, keep slaying). I want someone to love me, and I’m scared that I won’t be able to love them back.

If you read this far, thanks, it means a lot.

So, I have a few thoughts after reading this, and I'm just gonna do my best to lay out some of them

All that introductory section about never having had a crush? Absolutely classic aromantic life story. Completely the sort of thing where if someone told me that IRL, my immediate thoughts would be "oh, they're probably aromantic", and "I want to let them know we're community in some fashion, and I get it."

Secondarily, on the note of finding someone attractive: folks so frequently discover their a-spec identities by starting with "I'm equally or similarly attracted to all genders, so I must be bi/pan/etc", and then get hit by the phenomena that 0=0. Also, aesthetic and sexual attraction are typically experienced quite differently - despite not being talked about as such, usually because it's not socially acceptable to talk about sex except when shaming others for interacting with the concept from any angle, including not wanting it. Yay society! (/sarcasm)

Next: yeah, cupioromantic absolutely fits what you've described so far. But I have some news for you: you can be aromantic and still have a wonderful, healthy romantic relationship with others. Some of the very, very early first followers of this blog - and i'm talking first 30 out of over 10k - have openly talked about being married as aro people to alloros for longer than I've run this blog. It's possible, it's been done, and if that works for you and any future partners, fantastic!

But. That said, I don't get the impression that your approach to this is coming from a place of necessarily wanting romance? I could absolutely be projecting, and that's on me, but between what your dad said and the desperation in your message, I have to wonder if what you want is a close, healthy relationship where you are able to feel safe discussing yourself, where you feel like your emotions are validated, and you can engage in a kind and mutually open hearted way. And y'know? Especially as a minor, that can be so hard to handle. You deserve to be listened to, for your feelings to be validated, and to know that who you are is as natural as anything.

Side note. natural is such a cop-out word. Speaking as someone in a multidisciplinary STEM field: natural means it happens. Not 'is the norm', not 'comes from plants', not 'works exactly the same way every time'. Consider the platypus is a natural creature, despite being a wild abomination of every 'normal' trait it could fit in its weird little body. Consider that even in humans, sex is not a dichotomy and for the most part, sex is a socially defined set of characteristics. Consider how many birds and fish have 4 or more sexes. Consider the fungi, weep, and learn that defining them by sex is an absolute nightmare of thousands of possible sexes and matches and honestly, what even??? Consider that even if we only look at similarly sexed creatures to us, dolphins, penguins, so many birds, octopuses, dogs, spiders, cats, and more that I can't name in the literal 10 seconds I spent on that list, engage in clear same-sex sexual and romantic bonding. You ever seen a boy dog just jump anything that exists? I don't think Fido gives a shit about "natural orientations". Unless he can eat it and poop it out, and eat that. (/affectionate)

Some final thoughts: you will be okay. Being a minor is so incredibly hard, and the more you grow into adulthood, the more clear it becomes that literally everyone is following all sorts of rules that they learned once upon a time because it's hard to change the system, hard to change your thoughts, and not because it ever made sense to follow those rules. The idea that two people have to love the same way to enjoy each other is bullshit. The idea that you can't just experience all sorts of weird things, even though the human brain is among the most complicated things known to science and does so much we'll never live to know, is wild.

You will be okay. Everything will get better, and I believe you. Teen years are a lovely blend of the worst and best decisions you'll ever make because your brain and body are doing some phenomenally complicated things, and society said "hey, what if we shove all of them into an institution because labor laws say we can't put them in the mines anymore?", and this is understandably a really terrible idea. Promise you, the tigers and lions in the average zoo get better enrichment than teens seem to be allowed.

The longer you have to experience the world and its weird and inconsistent ways, the more you learn to just... be. You don't have to question it every step of the way. Maybe you do get a crush. Maybe you don't. Maybe you find yourself being visited by the cat adoption fairy, and oops, there's another, and suddenly there's several creatures who bring you warmth - and maybe being a crazy cat lady is for you. Adulthood is weird, just to be honest. This has actually happened to several people I know. So many "oops I have a cat now? help?" messages.

[seeminglydark]

How did Caro go about figuring out their gender identity when they were on their own? You mentioned that they tried "they" and "he" pronouns before settling on "they" - can you talk about that more?

Sure can! In case theres some reading this who may not have read my comics or know the background but stumbled on my art on accident, ill give a little breakdown of their journey. Caro grew up in a really small town with really restrictive parents. They start out knowing they are not a girl. but not really having any idea what that means exactly, and not having access to the resources or a safe place to find out. They start out using he/him because at the time (16 in most of the stories i show them in their teenage years) they arent actually aware theres more of a spectrum than just a binary, they think being a boy is the only way to not be a girl. Their friend, Sully, while being openly gay and having a bit more of an idea about some things, doesnt know much about gender expression or gender-queerness either, so he does what he can to support what they both think is the right fit. apparently neither if them thinks to go to a library. After sully leaves, Caro is left to struggle on their own. They know they are trans, but they are still nervous about exploring things without someone holding their hand, ptsd from extremely intense helicopter parents perhaps and being kicked out for knowing at the very least, they arent the girl everyone always forced them into. They meet their current agent, Goldie, somewhere around 20 years old, at this point they have not revealed their face or gender even in their podcast (for those who listen, ive kept those things very vague since its supposed to be canonical with their life journey). Goldie encourages them to explore more what feels right to them and helps them get in touch with gender affirming resources, 'He' felt close, but it was never really that aha yes its me! moment. They learn about nonbinary, genderfluid, etc through research and help from other people in the community they meet through Goldie, therapy resources and also people they meet via their podcast. They actually do try out a few things, canonically they go from she to he to genderfluid (any pronoun) to they, which feels the best for them. present day Caro doesnt mind 'he' either, they just mostly stick with They. i WILL be exploring this in the podcast, so that story will be told in more detail as time goes on as well. Bonus answer: the reason why i wrote their journey like this, is because Caro is how i explored MY gender identity. They started out as a tool i used to try on different hats and research in a safe space (a fictional character), meet and talk with people to find what gender expression worked best for me, also going from she to he to fluid (any) to nonbinary (they.) i did not have restrictive parents or come from a small town, but im in my 40s, and there wasnt a lot of resource available where i grew up for trans kids in the 90s. i knew i wasnt a girl, and for me, boy seemed like my only other option until i learned that gender is not a binary and i actually had many ways i could go, until i found what felt right to me. and honestly, it was as simple as someone calling me 'They' in passing because they werent sure how to refer to me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my mid thirties and frankly, it was so relieving to finally have a pronoun that felt like ME! I think perhaps it was as simple for Caro as well. Unforch I cant give you a solid answer as to WHY they felt right for me or Caro. i just know it did, i think perhaps that an individual feeling for everyone who is figuring things out. Some people just KNOW, and others like me, know *something* and find out what the means for them along the way. <3

[oceans-goddess]

Derry Girls-- James Maguire SFW Alphabet

This is the sweetest boy I have ever come across, so I thought it would be fitting to write some fluffy headcannons about him <3

I tried making the reader gender neutral for this post, but please let me know if I should tweak anything that I might not have noticed!

Contains: fluff, brief mention of injury, no smut

Also WARNING: Possible spoilers!!

______________________________________________________________

A-- Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

James is a pretty nervous boy, and he doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships, so I think he would do a lot of pining instead of being outright with his affection. This doesn't mean that it goes unnoticed, though: you always catch him staring, and he blushes when you make eye contact with him.

He's full of smiles, and any time he's speaking with you, he can't seem to keep from grinning at you.

When you two are alone, he is comfortable holding your hand, and rarely lets it go, which you find to be the cutest thing in the world.

He also often "forgets" his sweaters and jackets at your house in hopes that you'll wear them, which you do, and his head spins when he sees what you look like wearing his clothes.

B-- Best Friend (What would they be like as a best friend?)

We all know James is a Derry girl just like the rest of them, and they get up to some seriously fucked up shit, but I imagine that James is not always on board with the plans the other girls come up with (let's not forget the time they made him fist fight a guy over concert tickets). With that in mind, I think that he would voice his concerns, get shut down by one of the girls (probably Michelle), and wait until the two of you are in private to talk about how ridiculous things can get.

He also just enjoys confiding in you in general, finding you to be a more level-headed and accepting member of the group. He tells you a lot about his struggles with his mom, his trouble as the only boy at school, and feeling like he's caught between his Irish and English identities.

He's also an incredible listener, and often sits quietly with you while you tell him about your own problems. The two of you have built up a lot of trust while confiding in each other.

C-- Cuddling (Do you ever cuddle? What is it like?)

Like I said before, James is more into pining after what he wants than asking for it, so you're usually the one who initiates any physical contact that isn't hand holding. But once you two are touching, he gets a little more comfortable with the situation. He usually pulls you into a sort of loose bear hug, and sometimes he uses one hand to stroke your hair or rub your back.

I'm honestly surprised I'm saying this, but I think he enjoys being the big spoon more than being the little spoon.

He also really enjoys laying his head in your lap and letting you play with his hair.

D-- Dance (Do you ever dance together? How?)

I'd say the Derry Girls are a fairly dance-y group, so you'll catch James dancing all the time in social settings, but if it were just the two of you, there is no doubt in my mind that you two would slow dance to When You're Gone by the The Cranberries (so cute!!!).

Any slow, jazzy or bluesy song would absolutely make him want to dance with you, but only in the safety of your bedroom or his.

He really likes to make you twirl around, and you both collapse in a fit of giggles whenever you try to twirl him back.

E-- Energy (How much energy do they put into the relationship?)

This boy would die for you, I'm sure of it. He's such a sweetheart, and I think he would try so hard to make you happy.

James knows he isn't very suave, but he always tries to compliment you anyway-- he honestly can't hold back from telling you how great you look.

He's a real gift-giver, and he saves up all his money to try and buy things for you. He especially likes bringing you flowers, and his ears are always beet red whenever you open the door to let him in so he can replace the last bouquet he put in your room.

He walks you all the way home from school every day, despite him and Michelle normally splitting off from the rest of the group about half-way between your house and school. For a while, Michelle gave him a lot of shit for it, but now nobody really seems to mind.

F-- Fight (How often do you fight? What do you fight over? How is it usually resolved?)

The two of you rarely fight, but when you do, it never really ends with any yelling. James is a quiet communicator at heart, and he doesn't really like the idea of yelling at you.

Most of your fighting comes from you trying to push James to stand up for himself more, as it can sometimes bother you that he doesn't assert himself. In your mind, he's an equal member of the friend group and doesn't need to put up with anyone's bullshit. But when you push him, he says that he doesn't need help and that he can assert himself whenever he wants, he just chooses to go with the flow.

The spats usually get resolved after a few hours; for example, if something happens in the evening, you both usually just need the night to cool off, and things are fairly back to normal by the time he walks you to school in the morning. Anything longer than that, and one of you shows up to the other's house to apologize.

G-- Gentle (How gentle are they, emotionally and physically?)

MY SWEET BABY JAMES IS THE MOST GENTLE SOUL IN ALL OF DERRY. No but seriously, he moves around very quietly, careful not to stomp or bump into things, and he touches you gently as well. All of his kisses are slow and soft, never harsh or aggressive.

He is soft spoken, and he chooses his words carefully so that you know he cares for you. When he gets frustrated or overwhelmed, he tries to talk things out calmly instead of letting his emotions build into anger.

H-- Happy (What makes them happy? How do they show it?)

James loves receiving attention from you. Any time you give him a smile or compliment his new shirt or something, he can't keep a smile off his face.

I also think he would show his happiness by being a little more chatty. He gets excited talking to you, and he could hold a conversation with you for hours without running out of things to talk about.

I-- Injured (How would they act if you got injured or sick?)

I think if you got sick, James would worry, but he would ultimately know that you are gonna be just fine. He would definitely show up to your house with a can of soup or some chocolate or something once he finds out you're sick. And he would find an excuse to sit in your room and fiddle with your things while the two of you chat, despite you telling him to leave because you don't want him to get sick.

When you're injured, it's a whole different story. Anything bigger than a scrape or a bruise and he's practically lost his mind. If you broke a bone or had a concussion or needed surgery or anything like that, I think he'd be hyperventilating in the hospital waiting room, and you'd never be allowed to go anywhere or do anything alone again. He'd open every door, insist you take the elevator instead of the stairs, etc etc.

J--Jealousy: (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) 

James can definitely get anxious seeing you around other people he thinks you might be compatible with. He never says anything about it because he trusts you and believes you would never cheat on him, but he's got insecurities about people leaving him because of him mom, and he worries that you'll feel like he isn't important enough to keep around. The feeling never lasts long, though, because as soon as you smile at him or peck him on the cheek, he realizes how secure he feels being with you.

K-- Kisses (Do you ever kiss? How?)

Like I said before, James is very soft and gentle when the two of you kiss, and he never really takes the lead when you two are being intimate in that way. He lets you do what you want and sort of follows along, and he is breathless and blushing the whole time.

Aside from your lips, I think his favorite places to kiss you would be on the forehead or your shoulders while he hugs you.

Though he would never vocalize this, his favorite place for you to kiss him would definitely be the neck. He is super sensitive there, and he immediately starts stuttering and breathing harder when you press your lips there.

L-- Love Language (What is their love language? If their giving different from their receiving?)

I've covered this a little bit in the sections above, but his love language when it comes to giving is gift-giving. You mean a lot to him, and though he is often too embarrassed to say this aloud, his little gifts show you that you are always on his mind.

When it comes to receiving love, I think James enjoys words of affirmation the most. People talk down to him a lot in his life, so hearing someone treat him with kindness and gentleness and respect is a big deal for him. He also loves the reassurance that comes with hearing what you think of him in your own words.

M-- Meeting (How did the two of you meet?)

You were already friends with Michelle and the others when James arrived in Derry, so the introduction came soon enough. The girls were quite judgmental of him in the beginning, but you were very welcoming, so he really relaxed around you, and the two of you became close very quickly.

N-- Night Out (What do y'all do when you go on dates?)

You two are very casual when it comes to dates. Grabbing food, going on walks, seeing a movie, stuff like that is sort of the norm for the both of you. James prefers to do sort of calm, quiet stuff, and he enjoys being somewhere away from a lot of people, so you guys usually end up sitting at the park in the dark, chatting about life.

O-- Oasis (Where is "your" place, the place for just to two of you?)

His bedroom is usually where the two of you end up when you want to be alone. Michelle and her mom are always out of the house, so its usually very quiet, and it's a good place to sort of decompress. His room is full of cds and books, and his bed is extremely comfy, so the two of you cuddle there often.

P-- Protection (how protective are they over you?)

I know I said before that he can be a little jealous sometimes and often gets nervous when you're injured, but other than that, he's not an extremely protective guy.

The only time you see him become more protective is when you're in social settings: if people approach you, he likes to grab your hand or put his hand around your shoulders to send a clear message. He doesn't want to seem possessive because he doesn't want to scare you off, but he wants to be sure that people know you two are together without saying it aloud.

Q-- Quiz (How much do they remember about you?)

He remembers all the important stuff, like your birthday, your parents' names, your middle name, your anniversary, your favorite color, your favorite foods, etc.

He also always makes sure that when you are coming over for dinner, his aunt is cooking something he knows you will like.

He likes to keep track of things you say you like by writing them down when he gets home. For example, you once told him that you wished you had enough money to buy a new bike, and he wrote it down so that he'd remember when your birthday came around.

R-- Rainy Day (What do you guys do when it's raining outside?)

He actually loves when it is raining out, because it gives him an excuse to make you change into his dry clothes after walking to his house in the rain. He insists that you should wear his softest sweaters and a pair of his sweatpants to get warmed up again.

Rainy days are also when the two of you curl up in bed and read, or play games, or watch tv. He thinks you always look so cozy and cute on his rug with a blanket over your lap and a mug of tea in your hands.

S-- Song (What song best represents the relationship the two of you have?)

I already mentioned a song by The Cranberries earlier, which I feel is pretty fitting, but I also think that Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer is also a perfect match for the relationship you two share.

There are fast paced parts of the song, which match well with the energy you both have when you're hanging out together with friends, but at the end of the song, there is a very gentle melody, mirroring that at the end of the day, when it's just the two of you, it's a very sweet, soft, and loving feeling. You two just have a quiet and comforting relationship.

T-- Telepathy (Do you guys think alike/agree on most things?)

You two are pretty much always on the same page, and it pisses Michelle off more than anything. You side with him all the time, mostly because her ideas can be bat shit crazy and you want no part of them.

You guys also always want the same two things on the menu when you go to restaurants, so you each order one thing and split both plates. He always leaves you the last bite-- what a sweetheart.

You guys have pretty much the same taste in music and movies, so you never argue about what to listen to or watch.

You can both always tell when the other is a bit down or upset, and you gravitate towards each other to give each other silent support until you are both ready to talk about what is bothering you.

In a way, you truly do kind of have a telepathic connection with each other.

U-- Ugh (What are some bad habits of theirs? Some bad habits of yours that they don't like?)

James can be kind of whiny at times. For good reason, to be sure-- he's often dealing with annoying situations. But, in truth, you feel he could be assertive and solve the problem instead of letting things happen and complaining about the problem.

He can get frustrated with you at times because you are never letting yourself get enough sleep. You never complain about being tired, but he can see on your face in class that you're exhausted, whether it's because you prioritized your homework over sleep or stayed up too late reading or watching tv, he hates to see you not taking care of yourself. Whenever you feel under the weather, he is always the first to remind you that you'd probably feel a lot better if you had slept enough the night before.

V-- Vacation (Where would you two travel together if you got the chance?)

James would absolutely love to take you to England with him for a tour of where he grew up. He knows that people in Ireland are particularly resentful of the English (and for good reason), but his childhood was a good one, and he wants you to see for yourself what it was like. I also think spending a rainy weekend in London with him would be the most romantic thing in the world, just a chance to be very cozy and find lots of book shops and cafes and things like that.

W-- Words (What do the two of say to show that you care? Any nicknames? Any Phrases?)

James absolutely adores when you call him Jamie or Jamesy or Gem, really any nickname. He was never shown a ton of affection, so getting it from you is very validating.

He calls you by your name in public, but in private he'll call you "babe" or "love" (what an Englishman, bwahahaha). Sometimes you tease him for using such an English term of endearment, but deep down you really like that he uses it on you.

X-- Xerox (are there any traits or habits of theirs that you’ve picked up by accident?)

James runs his hands through his hair and tugs at his curls a lot when he's stressed, a habit that has sort of extended to you. You constantly pull at your hair without meaning to, something you never used to do before.

He's also got a different accent than you, so sometimes you accidentally say things in a half-English accent just because you've heard James say it so many times. When he picks up on it, he finds it to be one of his favorite things about you, and he hopes you never stop.

Y-- Yuck: (What are some things they don't like in terms of a relationship?)

In all honesty, despite being proud that you two are together, James hates telling people outright that the two of you are a couple because he worries about letting other people influence your relationship. Couples always seem to experience trouble when other people get involved and start judging when they don't really understand. He'd rather just keep things between the two of you and let people find out naturally instead of saying anything.

Z-- Zzzz (A sleep habit of theirs?)

That boy must fall asleep touching you in some way. He prefers his classic bear hug cuddle or spooning, but if you all fall asleep watching a movie at Erin and Orla's for example, he's ok falling asleep while just holding your hand.

He always wakes up earlier than you. Sometimes, if he's early enough, he can have a cup of tea or hot chocolate ready when you wake up, but he usually just sits in bed and plays with your hair.

______________________________________________________________

Author's Note: Ugh this was so fun to write, please let me know if I should do an alphabet for another character in any fandom!

[peaches2217]

"I think I'm a woman," Luigi blurts out one night. He doesn't really mean to; he's sitting in bed with Peasley, who's flipping through this week's issue of Lentiltainment Weekly, and he himself has been staring at the same page of his book for the past half hour. This is a thought that's been circling through his head for too long now, he supposes. It's gonna lead him nowhere if he doesn't at least try to talk it out.

Peasley blinks up from his magazine. He looks surprised, but not at all unsettled. "Huh." He takes one last glance at the page he's on before setting his reading material aside, an action Luigi finds himself mimicking. "Are you thinking of changing your name, then? Of course, there's no rush if you haven't settled on anything. We can prepare the announcement in the meantime."

"...Announcement?"

"That you're to be addressed as Princess Consort moving forward," Peasley says, almost offhandedly, like it's the most obvious and casual thought in the world. "We'll make a feast of it if you'd like. Ah! How about I commission Madame Haricot? I'll have her tailor the most exquisite gown you've ever worn, adorned with the most brilliant of jewels! It's the least I could do for such an occassion."

Luigi almost forgets that his situation isn't quite that simple, because he's so grateful that this is the man he married, someone who so desperately loves him no matter his identity. But there is more to it, and that's something he can't ignore.

"It's not— I mean there's..." Luigi shakes his hands as he searches for his words. "It's not like 'Ope! I'm not a guy after all!' I'm... I feel like I'm definitely still a guy, but I'm also not, y'know? And I just... I don't know. I mean, am I a guy or a girl or what?"

Peasley, absently mirroring Luigi's nervous stim, hums. "Perhaps you're both," he suggests. And for a moment, something within Luigi's chest feels warm and light. It makes sense, at first blush, that he can't settle on one or the other because he's not one or the other, but—

"I can't be both."

"Whyever not?"

"Because..." and Luigi has to stop to find his words once more. To Peasley, to his entire species, such matters usually are as simple as Why not both?. After all, logic dictates that no living organism should be both a plant and a mammal, yet here's an entire species that is. When your entire existence is a paradox, everything else seems so straightforward.

On top of that, Beanish views on such matters as gender are quite lax, owing greatly to the fact that they're predominantly intersex. Babies are typically assigned either male or female, but many decide somewhere down the line that they're another gender, or some mix of genders, or no gender at all; a young Beanish person independently affirming their identity is as much a coming-of-age tradition as turning sixteen and getting your first car is in the world Luigi comes from. Peasley himself went through it, disagreeing with the gender he was assigned at birth and being re-crowned as a prince in response. It's incredibly common.

But they're Beanish, and Luigi is human, and just because he married into a society without strict gender rules doesn't mean he himself can adopt those rules. Right...?

"I don't know," he finally says, because he's not sure what else he can say. He's frustrated, because he wants the answer to be that simple, to be able to say he's as much one thing as the other, to accept himself as he is rather than try to figure out what he isn't. But he's just not sure.

"Well... it's okay not to know." Peasley kicks at the blankets covering their legs so he can more comfortably face Luigi and take his hands. There's warmth in his deep brown eyes, a warmth Luigi knows all too well yet is certain he'll never understand.

"I don't like not knowing who I am," he confesses. He's sure he sounds like a whining child, but the uncertainty so deeply rooted within him is agonizing.

"You're my Greenie." Peasley gives his hands a gentle squeeze, smiling softly. "We can figure out the rest as we go. Until then, that remains an unshakable truth."

And Luigi can't help but smile back, swallowing thickly against the threat of oncoming tears. He knows Peasley doesn't fully understand his uncertainties. They grew up in two very different worlds. But he knows how deeply affected Luigi remains by the taboos of his old world, and he can see that in the loving gaze across from him: the assertion of Even if I'm not sure where you're coming from, I'll be right here with you no matter what.

"...I can still commission Madame Haricot if you'd like," Peasley says after a moment, and something in his smile looks a touch more mischievous. "I'm sure a new gown will cheer you up."

"I'm starting to think you're offering more for your own sake than for mine."

"Well it's not my fault you're so exceedingly attractive!" And Peasley sounds so suddenly defensive, almost offended, that Luigi can't help but burst into laughter.

"Okay!" He tries to match Peasley's defensive tone, but he's laughing too hard to sound convincing, and that in turn breaks Peasley from his pouting spell. "Okay, let's do it."

"Oh, I was so hoping you'd say that!" Peasley cheers and pulls Luigi into him, and all at once his uncertainties are forgotten, at least for now. They'll be back, and they'll undoubtedly weigh on him, but no matter what, he won't be alone. No matter what, he'll be loved.

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

I love your writing sm <33. I was wondering if you do greasers gang with androgynous s/o? (Kinda like angel from everyone hates Chris) If you don't like the idea, feel free to ignore this 🫶🏽

I get what you mean! I’m non binary and pretty androgynous most of the time/switching from masc to fem and thank you so much for the compliment and yeah I love this idea!!

The Gang x Androgynous!GN! S/O!!!

Ponyboy Curtis

-he thought you were super interesting

-he loved your androgynous look

-he thought is was super cool that you could do all sorts of things

-masc and fem, fem, masc, or neither

-he also gets being made fun of for being different

-but the thinks you’re way too good for him and too cool to talk to him

-but one day you guys get assigned to do a class project together

-and actually get along pretty well and become good friends

-he’s one of the few greasers that wouldn’t need to be in a modern au to respect your identity and pronouns

-he ends up eventually asking you out

-he’s super supportive of you and always tries to learn more about you

Johnny Cade

-you rocked his world when he saw you

-he thought you and your style was pretty unique and tuff

-he immediately couldn’t tell what your gender was, which intrigued him

-you mastered both so well

-you seemed too superior, too good for gender (relatable 😏😎 jk mostly)

-but he’s too scared to actually go up and talk to you

-until one day you’re being made fun of by some other grease gang

-and he stands up for you, and you’re pretty grateful

-and you both start talking

-eventually you end up dating

-he’s supportive and even gives into the more androgynous look himself

-like I think he might start wearing eyeliner or sum, trying to mix a bit of fem into his outfits

-ok i will say this every time but JOHNNY CADE IN EYELINER I NEED IT IN MY LIFE

-I think he’s the most androgynous greaser himself in general

Sodapop Curtis

-he loves your style

-it’s so cool and he wishes he could be more like that

-but he’s too scared about what others will think

-and he really admires you

-he’s surprised when he finds his eyes trailing off you whenever you leave the DX after buying something

-pretty soon after talking about you to Steve he realizes he likes you

-so he gets to know you and asks questions about your style

-he LOVES how you can be neither masc nor fem, or both

-you can switch in the blink of an eye

-it keeps him on his toes

-pretty soon you end up dating

-soooo cute together yall are always showering eachother in praise and compliments

Darry Curtis

-he’s a traditional guy

-so seeing you

-rocks his world a bit

-I mean he can’t tell if you’re a broad or guy

-and that is fascinating to him. And terrifying

-he’s a little wary of you at first

-but eventually grows to really admire you

-and after some encouragement from pony and soda he finally starts up a conversation

-pretty soon you two start dating and are really good for eachother

-pony and soda love you

Dallas Winston

-he probably went up to you

-made some rude ass transphobic joke

-and it took him by surprise when you kicked him hard in the nuts

-he kinda respected after that

-he sort of expected you to be weak because of how you dressed

-he actually started being friends with you

-and protecting you from bullies

-eventually he asks you out and for once in his life he’s nervous

-you grin and say yes

-you guys are such a surprising couple everyone sees you and is like

how tf did that happen

Two Bit Mathews

-he actually loves your style

-he makes jokes about it because

-it’s two bit

-what do you expect

-but they come across as actual questions too 💀😭

-“So what gender did you decide on today?”

-“If I were you I’d be panicked over what restroom to use…”

-“So do I need to call you a bastard or bitch?”

-but he’s so silly

-at first you’re offended by some of his jokes but then you realize he’s not genuinely transphobic it’s his nature

-and you start roasting him back

-when you start dating you guys are such soulmates

-everyone ships you two and the banter you have in class if fuckin COMICAL

Steve Randle

-he’s surprised to say the least

-he’s used to heavy gender stereotypes

-so whenever you walk into his life

-showing up looking like a doll one day

-a mafia boss on the other

-it trips him up

-it’s kind of confusing for him at first and he may act sort of cold and unsure towards you

-but after a while he gets used to it

-and actually tried getting to know you instead of judging how you look

-and you’re actually a super cool person and it makes him appreciate your identity and style so much more

-soon he realizes he feels a bit more than friendly for you

-and asks you out

-he’s really protective and anyone who says shit about your style can find their tires slashed the next day 😊

[orange-orchard-system]

Heya! I saw your& post on fusion, and I have to admit it was pretty eye-opening? Talk about fusion has always made me nervous, because I deeply associate it with pluralmisia. If you& don't want to deal with some fairly intrusive, kinda shithead questions and a bad take, please ignore/delete this ask- I don't know where else to look for answers, but I know you& probably hear this crap several times a week.

When you say you're 'both' still here, how do you mean? My association with fusion is still very "all parties involved no longer exist in any meaningful way and something new has been created in their place", and even though I would never accuse anyone that bc I know my experience is not universal, that's always kind of in the back of my mind when someone talks about it. And I know you& compared this to the transphobic equivalent, but I can't really wrap my head around the equivalency. I'm trans (and plural), if it helps.

It's alright, I'm fine with elaborating

So, it's not that our past selves have been "destroyed"; the previously separate parties are not "gone in any meaningful way". It's not like cutting up two pieces of paper to make a new craft. Rather, it's like melting down two crayons to make a new one with a combined color. Yeah, the distinct, individual identities of "yellow" and "blue" are gone, but no wax was lost in the creation of this new green crayon.

I think I'm/We're a very clear example of this, since we used to be fragments – the two (maybe three now) of us, back when we were separate, had specific things we could offer the other if we fused. One of us had a strong presence and "will" (idk how to describe it, sorry), but no steady identity, while the other had an identity, but no will beyond that. Now that we've fused, we have both a will and sense of steady identity. What we're looking for in the future is something to tie us together further; someone who can provide more personality to round us out. We feel much more like an actual person now than we did before, and even in internal appearance, we look like a combination of both the fragments we were before.

I am Sanae, I am the nameless fragment, I am both and both are me. They're not gone; we're both here, just as one. We weighed the loss of individual identity against what we stood to gain from fusion, and determined that there were far more pros than cons to the idea. We also considered fusing with another headmate, Mel, but there wouldn't have been as much to gain from merging together, and even if he wouldn't have been "gone", it would have brought us distress to not have him as a separate being we can interact with and depend on, so we decided not to.

I compared anti-fusion views to the transphobic view on transitioning because there are a lot of parallels to us. Our internal body has changed and we're a lot happier now, whereas before, what we lacked made us feel hollow and distressed. It's similar to how HRT can help with gender dysphoria. Moreover, people liken fusion/transition to murder a lot, but no one's dying – we're different now, but no one was sacrificed to make us this way. Someone who is post-transition is no more "dead" than either of us are, but because of this large change in identity, appearance, etc., people like to treat us as if we are. Our past selves are not murdered – not in a trans context, and not in a plural context. We're just different.

It's true that forced fusion usually comes from pluralphobia, whether that's internalized from the plural in question or from others pressuring them into it. But this isn't the same as purposeful fusion done with full consent, desire, and understanding. In these instances, it's much more like if you forced someone to medically transition (which it should be noted actually happens to some people, namely intersex people) – it usually causes distress, if not over who they are and what they look like, then over the loss of autonomy and choice. Forced fusion and forced transition come from a place of wanting to make those that fall outside the norm as close as possible to the norm, no matter what pain this causes the patient/person – this is why such things might be likened to/called death or mutilation, as it is "killing" one's natural selves/body/deviance from the norm through violence. Those who have gone through forced fusion have a right to express their feelings of losing their individual identities as their selves being "killed", even if they're technically still around. But this is very different from transition or fusion done with full understanding of the process, acceptance of possible downsides, and with the expectation of an improved quality of life. We have not gone through any violence to become who we are now. We have autonomy and are exercising it freely by choosing exactly how we will ease our suffering and make our life better. No one was forced into anything.

Unintentional fusion is a wild card in how it effects people, but I don't feel qualified to speak on that. What I will say is that it rubs me the wrong way to call fusion murder in part due to how unintentional fusion can cause distress. You're going to look at someone grieving who they were before and essentially accuse them of manslaughter?

I hope this helps you understand. Also, I think you're overestimating the amount of comments and asks we get, haha! We're not that popular – not on this blog, at least

[shadowsandsunset]

I wish nothing but good things for Oliver Stark and Lou Ferrigno Jr.

They gave us such an authentic, gentle, tender experience. I've watched the clip of that kiss several dozen times now.

Oliver, especially, has been amazing in his interviews and social media posts, empathetic and honest and sweet. I don't know his sexuality and I don't speculate in real people's sexualities, but regardless he seems like a true ally. He seems to Get It.

As someone who came out later in life** it really touches my heart what they're doing.

9-1-1 has always seemed to try to do good by their queer characters and I really appreciate that.

Hen and Karen have always been a fantastic and very real feeling example of a wlw relationship.

This show is doing amazing. I wish nothing but good and happy things for the cast and crew who make this happen.

**Under the cut is my coming out/self acceptance story if you're interested.

Tw: repression, self harm, drug use, shitty relationships both familial and romantic.

I tried to come out as a teenager in the early 2000s after I kissed a girl for the first time. It did not go well.

My mother was a complicated woman and she loved me very much, but when I told her I was bi (I prefer pan now but at the time I didn't have that word) she told me it was a phase and that she was disappointed, that she would always love me but that it was wrong in the eyes of God and she couldn't accept it.

Disappointing my mother was worse than her being angry. It felt like my heart was carved out of my chest. I feel like if she had been angry or openly cruel I could have fought back, but her sadness destroyed me. I was 16 then and I continued to live at home until I was 24. I'm in my mid/late 30s now.

So I repressed that part of myself for well over a decade and spent a lot of time depressed and miserable. I self harmed and did A LOT of drugs. I'm clean now except for super occasional weed use. I have a lot of scars from self harm.

My mom died several years ago and it wasn't until after her death that I allowed myself to even think about it, any of it. I was in a relationship with a man for eight years that was loving but he was an alcoholic and I had to walk on eggshells around him because of his mental health struggles; he was emotionally abusive but in a way that was only apparent in hindsight. I thought that my relationship with him was as good as I was going to get. We broke up not long after my mom died.

The only family member I am out to is my older sister, who has been amazing and accepting and loves me completely. Without her support I would be lost.

I have now dated/hooked up with women, men, nb and trans people. I have explored my own gender identity (it's whatever, I don't feel like a woman despite having the female equipment and appearing female in body, I feel pretty masculine but not like a man either, and I don't have strong opinions on pronouns, but I feel like I fail at femininity and masculinity in equal measure so I call myself genderqueer. I don't have any desire to take hormones or have any surgeries, I just want to be a person without having to perform gender).

I live in a conservative small city in the US south and I feel disconnected from the wider queer community. I don't know how to bridge that gap. There is a small queer community here but you can't really be openly out and be safe.

I'll be going to my first pride event this June. I'm excited and terrified because I don't feel like I'm queer enough or The Right Kind of queer, which is such a stupid stress to have, but I don't have many friends to talk about this with and I am hoping to get out there and make some but I'm nervous. I'm socially awkward and kinda weird. I'm also single and trying to mingle, lol.

I like who I am now but it was an incredibly difficult road to get to this place. I'm still on that journey, and maybe I always will be but that's ok. I'm finally myself.