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waithyuck · 3 years

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***part of the nct almost collab by @hyucksie***

pairing: zhong chenle x reader (f)

genre: ANGST, a single grain of fluff

word count: 7k

warnings: swearing, depictions of depression, overall sadness, frustration/anger, the reader is sort of obsessed with chenle, heartbreak, descriptions of a panic attack + anxiety, chenle becomes an ass :/, forced kissing, hyuck is a good friend :)

a/n: my piece for the ALMOST collab! I hope you all enjoy this mess of feelings 🥴 idk if this is actually good or not but I think I’m happy with the way it turned out ??? idk anyway enjoy lmao

———

Ever since you could remember, you’ve had a crush on Chenle.

Literally ever since you could remember, considering he’s been in your life since you were five years old.

Classic boy next door trope, you could say.

You attended the same school and even shared classes together throughout your elementary and middle school years. High school obviously had a lot more freedom, giving you the opportunity to pick and choose classes that suited your interests. naturally, that pulled the two of you apart in a certain sense.

You could recall one instance in the very beginning of your freshman year where you caught Chenle and some random girl kissing behind the bleachers. It tore you apart inside, so young a fragile at the time, but you threw on a smile like you always tended to do, and let out a quick and airy apology before running off into the safety of Donghyuck’s arms.

Nonetheless, you and Chenle were pretty damn close; kind of like those best friends you see in books or stories...except that in fiction they usually end up together, and you and Chenle, well...haven’t yet.

You still had hope though, that maybe he felt the same way you did for him. You held onto that hope and cherished it, considering it was the only reason you could get up and face the world on most days.

Yeah, you knew it was pathetic. at least you could acknowledge the fact that relying on feelings from a boy you liked was incredibly stupid, but hey, you had the brain of a senior in high school.

Anyway, you and Chenle were very friendly toward each other, and of course you would talk to each other out your individual windows sometimes late at night, but it wasn’t like those stories people read online. You were simply really good friends; nothing like brother and sister, but certainly not anything more than just friends.

You’d say you probably know more about Chenle than most; besides your shared friends Donghyuck (who was already in university, and your closest friend next to Chenle) and Jisung (who was just a tad bit younger and too shy to really hold a conversation with you). You paid close attention to him because, well, who doesn’t want to know everything about the person they’re crushing on?

Even so, it was definitely a given that Chenle was extremely passionate about his schoolwork and his future career. This kid wanted to be the ‘best lawyer the world has ever seen’, according to himself. You were always supportive of him, egging him on when the workload got to him and assuring him that everything would be okay in the end, even when he was exhausted from all his extracurricular activities and volunteering. Chenle seriously seemed like he would work himself to death.

You never really fully processed what him being passionate about his future would mean for you, and how it would affect your relationship and friendship with him. You didn’t even know that he applied to universities at all (since he didn’t tell you and you were kind of oblivious, to be honest), let alone which ones he strived for.

Fast forward to the present, it was currently the middle of November and school was going full swing, your senior year of high school passing by like a breeze. You were currently hanging out with Donghyuck, who was in town for the weekend from his university in the next city over. It was always nice to see him, his presence always putting a smile on your face.

You both sat at a window seat in the middle of a fairly busy restaurant, joking with each other and picking at your food lightly as you conversed. It grew silent for a moment, your chuckles dying down from some stupid attempt at a joke by Hyuck, before he broke it.

“Did you hear that Chenle got into Harvard?” Donghyuck absentmindedly spoke quietly, picking at the salad seated in front of him on the restaurant table. “Full fucking ride.” He didn’t even look up to meet your now bulging eyes.

Your blood ran ice cold as your heart began to seemingly stop beating, freezing just like your veins.

“He what?” you practically screeched, causing the boy across from you to jump slightly.

Hyuck looked at you then, his cheeks filled with food as he grasped his chest dramatically.

“Uh yeah?” he replied like it was obvious. “He’s really passionate about his career choice, you know.”

“Of course I know!” you shrieked at him, your hands going up to pull at your hair exasperatedly. You chewed your lip, your heart pounding and squeezing in your chest at the notion of Chenle’s inevitable departure from your life. “What, you think I wouldn’t know that the boy I’ve known since I was a LITERAL CHILD, isn’t passionate about his future?!”

Donghyuck was now looking around the both of you, taking notice of the strangers who were now staring at your visibly panicked form.

“Y/N, calm down, please–“

“I’m calm! I’m perfectly fine! ahah,” you chewed on your nails frantically as you tried to quiet your mouth and your mind, your leg shaking nonstop under the table, causing the silverware to shake.

You distracted yourself by looking out the window to your immediate left, trying to watch the people walk by like it was some sort of therapy for your bustling thoughts.

“Why didn’t he tell us he was applying to–“ you cut yourself off quietly, stopping your question short. ”...How does he know already?” you asked, your voice small.

“Early action or some shit, I guess.”

It was quiet for a few minutes between you both; Hyuck continued to munch on his salad and you could feel his eye warily watching you as you chewed your nails to nubs.

“...Are you okay?” he finally questioned, his voice comforting as he pulled you from out of your own head.

“Just,” you bit your lip, your eyes spaced out as you stared down at the floor. “Why couldn’t he have picked a school around here?” Your voice was small and quiet, and you could hear the boy across from you sigh. “Why couldn’t he just do that, like you?”

He didn’t really say anything then, picking up the fact that those were most definitely rhetorical questions. You didn’t touch any more of your food, your stomach tied up in knots, making you feel sick.

“Y/N...”

You didn’t look at him, your face hot with embarrassment from how much pain your heart was actually feeling at the news that Chenle, the boy you have loved for years, would be leaving you.

“He’s really excited about this...you…” he trailed off, trying to pick his next words carefully. “You need to show him some support, even though I know it hurts you.”

You knew that deep down, Hyuck was absolutely right. What kind of friend would you be if you were selfish and kept yourself wrapped up in your own feelings? You sniffled and picked your head back up, finally looking at him.

“You’re right. you are absolutely right.” you finally breathed out, trying to slowly calm your aching anxiety. “Just like always, Hyuck.” You cracked a slight smile then, and he returned it, seeming relieved that you snapped out of your panic, even if it was just a little bit.

“At least you can acknowledge it, angel.” He sent you a wink along with the pet name, and you jokingly gagged, which caused the both of you to laugh.

With the mood seemingly lifted, you were able to enjoy the rest of your time with Donghyuck, even if the anxiety of Chenle leaving was still a heavy presence in the back of your reeling mind.

——

That same night, you laid yourself across your pillows and stared up at the ceiling, not even bothering to change out of your slightly uncomfortable jeans. The lights were on and all was quiet as you laid trapped in your own thoughts, the inevitable scene of your crush of many, many years leaving replaying on loop inside your head.

You tried to distract yourself by working on some miscellaneous homework assignments, trying to get your work done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

You were just getting in the flow of writing a rough draft for an essay when you heard your mother yell up the steps at you.

“Y/N!” she called, startling you. when you replied with a ‘Yeah?’ she continued, “Chenle is here, I’m sending him up!”

Your heart jumped and you quickly shot up from your bed, trying to get rid of any clothes strewn around your floor to at least make your room somewhat presentable. As you slammed the hamper lid shut, you heard a small knock on the door before Chenle let himself in, already beaming at you.

“Y/N, I have some awesome news!” he immediately spoke, shutting the door behind him. You will yourself not to let your heart sink, already knowing what he wanted to share with you he reached behind him to grab his book bag, and once it was in his grasp he set it on the floor, taking a seat beside you on your bed.

You tried not to let your heart race as his shoulder brushed against yours, and you tried to convert up your nerves by giving him a smile in return. Chenle rummaged through his back before angrily grunting, turning to face you.

“I left something at home that I wanted to show you, shit,” he murmured, his hand coming up to swipe over his face. “I can go grab it real quick–“

“Let’s just go to your room, it’s literally right across. We can climb,” you suggested, wanting to escape the suffocating warmth of your own bedroom. Plus, you were always more comfortable sitting on his mattress anyway. “It’ll be fun, like when we were younger.”

You two both grinned at each other then, Chenle nodding his head in compliance as you both stood, preparing yourselves for the leap out of your bedroom window.

You didn’t bother with a jacket; you were only going to be out in the cold for about five minutes tops, anyway. You allowed him to go first, his body jumping out and landing on the roof of your shed with ease. You quickly followed suit, landing a little rough but still in one piece, nonetheless.

He generously offered to prop you up first so you could skillfully open his window from the outside, which you gladly accepted with a smirk on your lips.

“You’re the best at it.” he replied, slightly whining at your smug reaction. “Always have been. For some reason I can never get it open!!”

You ignored him after that, focusing on keeping your balance on his shoulders while you lifted the window open, pulling yourself up on the sill and throwing yourself inside with a dull thud. You heard the scrapings of Chenle making his way up the side of his house, and he toppled in not long after you.

“I’m definitely never doing that again,” he panted, laying flat on his back on the floor for a few moments. You stared back at him from his bed, giggling at his heavily rising and falling chest. “Maybe not never...but not again anytime soon, that’s for sure.”

He managed to pull himself up from the carpet, dusting off his pants and shrugging off his coat before joining you on the bed. He pulled a piece of paper from his nightstand, and your heart began to pound with untamed anxiety.

“This,” he started, his eyes sparkling as he looked at the piece of paper before looking back at you. “is my acceptance letter to Harvard. I got in, Y/N!!!”

Chenle was so excited, and you couldn’t help but swoon at the absolute elation in his eyes as he went on about what he was accepted for and even what the letter said.

You, of course, didn’t tell him that you already knew, courtesy of Donghyuck. If you would have known that Chenle applied to Harvard, you would have had no doubts from the very beginning that he would get in.

Maybe he didn’t tell anyone just in case he wasn’t accepted, and if no one knew then there would be no one to disappoint.

You knew that no matter what, you could never ever be disappointed in Chenle. He was too smart and too good to ever be thought of in that way.

All you could do was smile and smile some more as he went on, barely breathing before he finally took a short pause. His eyes fell down to look at his denim covered legs, and he bit his lip as you watched him in the sudden quiet of his room.

It didn’t last very long, and he took a deep breath before breaking the short silence.

“They want me to fly out there as soon as possible,” he finally spoke, looking up at you from where his gaze was previously on his lap. “I talked to our school, and they’re willing to let me graduate early. I have all my credits, which is really cool.”

Chenle seemed excited, but he spoke softly, as if he knew how hard this news was for you to hear. You surprised yourself at how composed you were acting, despite the jabbing pain you felt in your heart with every word that passed through his lips.

“That’s great,” you commented, a tight smile lining your face, your voice so close to breaking. “When do you leave?”

A question you didn’t really want the answer to. You didn’t want him to leave at all, and gaining the knowledge of a deadline wouldn’t ease your aching heart any.

He shuffled on the bed, pulling his legs up to sit fully on the mattress facing you. He clasped his hands together and sighed, his bleached blonde hair falling into his eyes.

“The end of December, right before new years,” he chewed on the inside of his cheek, his eyes trying to gauge your reaction, even though you weren’t really giving him anything to work with.

That was really soon…

“Wait, but that’s before our semester ends—“

“I know.” he cut you off, smiling brightly. “Like I said, the school is alright with this all happening. They’re really happy for me.”

You sighed, nodding in understanding. It was silent for a moment once more between the two of you; only the sounds of distant cars driving down the otherwise quiet street could be heard for a few moments.

“I just want you to know that I’m really happy for you too, Chenle.” you softly spoke, your hand reaching out to boldly cover his own sitting on the bed in front of you. He stared down at your now touching fingers, but didn’t move to pull away from your warmth.

“Thank you,” he smiled, surprising you by taking your hand in his own and squeezing it, taking your contact with each other a step further. “It means a lot coming from you.”

“Does my approval matter to you?” you questioned, not able to keep it from slipping past your lips. His eyebrows quirked up and he tilted his head a little, looking away briefly before making eye contact once again.

“Yeah, I guess it does.” he replied. “I never really thought about it before, but now that you brought it up...it really does, so thank you.”

You stared at each other then, your lips parted and dry, your brain not sure what to say to him in response. Your heart was hammering in your chest and your ears were consumed with the rhythmic beating and blood rushing happening within your own body.

His brown eyes and dyed blonde hair captivated you and your tongue felt like sandpaper inside your mouth. he looked like he was fighting with himself in a way; restricting his body from moving closer to your own as you sat there in the silence of his room. Your body seemed to mechanically move on its own as it scooted closer to him, your fingers tightening around his as you situated yourself against his body, your face now just next to his. His eyes flicked down to your lips before moving back to your wide eyes, and you felt your stomach jump in anticipation.

Before either of you could do anything, a loud bang came from outside of his bedroom door, followed by a yell from his mother.

You sprung away from each other and you immediately shot up from his bed, already sprinting to his open window from which you came in from. Chenle stood as well, looking between you and the locked door that held his mother back.

“I’ll see you at school.” you hurriedly whispered, taking one more glance at his red cheeks before leaping out the window and down onto the grass below.

You climbed your way up to your own open bedroom window, using the shed and throwing yourself inside quickly before shutting it and closing the curtains. Once you were sure everything was locked and the lights were all off, you slammed yourself down onto your mattress, shoved your face into your pillows, and screamed.

——

“Can we go for a walk around the neighborhood? I want to see all the Christmas lights before people start taking them down.” Chenle spoke through the speaker on your phone, his face not in view on the screen as you FaceTimed each other. You heard shuffling on his end as you focused your attention on your laptop screen, mindlessly shopping online for random things to keep your mind off of the fact that Chenle was leaving in just three days.

The few weeks you had with him passed by like a blur, and you both tried to spend as much time together as possible. Between having to spend time with your family and other friends, it wasn’t as much as you would have liked it to have been.

“Yeah, sure.” you mumbled, closing the laptop on your bed with a soft clack. “Meet you outside in fifteen?”

“Make it ten.” he replied with a smile in his voice, before hanging up.

You sighed heavily before putting your coat on, bundling yourself up for the bite of the cold outside. It was bitterly freezing, and you knew without your whole winter ensemble that you wouldn’t be able to feel your fingers within two seconds flat of being out there.

Fumbling with the buttons and zipper on your coat, you managed to make it outside in seven minutes even, meeting him on the sidewalk just down your driveway.

“Wow, not late for once.” he commented, nudging your shoulder as the two of your began to walk in sync down your brightly lit street.

“Knock it off, I can be on time when I try hard enough.” You rolled your eyes playfully at him, a hint of a smile gracing your lips as you began to take in the beautiful lights around you.

Christmas truly was a beautiful time of year; not just for the holiday itself, because not everyone celebrated it obviously, but for the decorations and the sense of home and warmth.

Chenle and yourself both kept relatively quiet as you walked on, only making noise when you wanted to get each other’s attention to point out certain decorations on some houses. It was rather peaceful, and your heart was swelling with warmth in adoration as you looked to admire his face, which was illuminated by the colorful Christmas lights surrounding you.

Your stomach jolted slightly. This may be the last time you see him for a while. You didn’t mean for the intrusive thought of his absence to wiggle its way into your mind, but it was too late to fight it off.

‘I should just confess’, you thought, now nervously picking at your nails, and chewing your lip to bits. ‘There may not be another chance like this, not for a while.’

It was selfish...but it was now or never.

Too shy to actually confess your feelings first—and thinking back to certain moments that you’ve shared with Chenle to come to this conclusion—you decided to take a different approach.

Get him to confess first.

“I need to ask you something,” you blurted out, your brain scolding your mouth silently for being so goddamn reckless in a moment of weakness.

Maybe this was a bad idea...

Chenle quirked his eyebrow up at you before stopping, turning to face you entirely.

“What’s up?” he replied, his hands stuffed deeply in his pockets in a desperate attempt to keep them warm. His nose was red from the chill in the air and his lips were the same shade from him biting them, the sheen of his chapstick almost completely gone now. His eyes were glassy from the wind blowing and even though his cheeks were blotched in crimson, you thought this was the most beautiful he had ever looked.

You couldn’t do this. Fuck, you really couldn’t do this. Why did you have to open your big, stupid mouth—

“Hey Y/N? Are you in there?” he suddenly broke you from your own thoughts, causing you to jump a little in your boots. “What did you wanna ask me?”

“Uh,” Quick, think of something dumb! “You know, why is perfume so damn expensive?”

You wanted to throw yourself into a frozen lake at this point, as you watched his brow furrow in confusion.

“Uhm, I don’t know,” he bit his lip for about the hundredth time since you started your walk. “Ingredients maybe? Higher end perfumes probably have stuff in them that are more hard to come by, so that’s probably wh—“

“Do you like me?” you interrupted him loudly, squeezing your eyes shut as you practically belted out your original question.

He seemingly froze in front of you, and definitely not from the cold air whipping around your bodies as the wind harshly blew.

“Do I...like you.” he repeated back, formed as a statement more than a question. “Like...as in romantically?”

You didn’t even have to nod for him to know what you meant; the look in your eyes told him enough. The pleading, glassy look as hope swirled beneath your irises, just absolutely begging him to say that yes, he did like you in the way that you liked him.

“Yes,” you confirmed audibly anyway, heat flickering throughout your entire face. “You know, b-because I think before we almost kissed in your room that one time not too long ago, and we’ve been more touchy lately—“ you would have continued on your panicked rambling if he hadn’t cut you off, beginning to speak solemnly.

“Y/N...I..” he started, shaking his head as he tried to get his thoughts straight. “I do. I really do,” your heart jumped at his confession, and you allowed it to spread in your body like wildfire. It didn’t get very far, because he continued to speak. “but I...I can’t.”

You visibly deflated; your heart shattered like glass and everything colorful around you seemed to fade into a greyscale, the holiday lights surrounding the two of you no longer sparking any kind of joy. “This scholarship...my future...it’s important to me. I can’t let anything stop me, I’m so sorry…”

“Chenle...” you whimpered, stepping closer to him boldly, unsure of how to properly express your feelings to him at this point. You dared to breach his personal space, and he watched your every move with those same, glossy brown eyes that you adored every day for so many years.

You tilted your head, your lips ghosting over his own as he let out shaky breaths, yours matching his as you stood together in the cold.

His lips were right there. unmoving, as he didn’t pull away from you. If your leaned forward just a little more...almost….almostalmostalmost—so close—

“Y/N, stop.” he suddenly muttered, pulling you out of your trance. His head drew back as he stepped away, still in your reach but far enough to where your lips weren’t brushing against each other’s anymore.

You gritted your teeth at the rejected feeling that bubbles up inside you, the tears welling your eyes before spilling hotly down your frozen cheeks.

“I love you, Chenle.” you cried, gripping the rough material of his jean jacket. The darkness of the night could have hidden your tears if it weren’t for the moonlight blaring down on the two of you like a spotlight. “Please, I love you.”

He looked like he was trying to hold himself together, his lips set in a straight line as he looked away from you, his hands hovering over your wrists. Chenle gripped them suddenly, not hard, but with enough force to get you to pay attention.

“I love you too, Y/N.” he finally admitted, his voice quiet as he tried to restrain his emotions. “But I can’t pass this up. I just can’t.”

You should have forced yourself to understand. This was his life, for fucks sake. You shouldn’t have let yourself feel selfish, thinking that he would drop everything to stay here. With you.

“We can’t be together. I’m sorry.” he finished with that, slowly dropping your wrists from his hold. “If I…” he swallowed thickly. “If I let you kiss me, I know I wouldn’t be able to leave. I know it.”

He took in your figure at last, watching as your tears fell freely from your eyes in hot rivers down your already stained cheeks.

“Look, maybe someday this would work...but just, not now.” he sounded exasperated, running a hand through his hair. “Your life is here, and my life will be starting there. I’ll be busy constantly and it just...won’t be fair. It really won’t, you have to understand, Y/N.”

He watched as your hands shook when you lifted them to wipe your face, solemnly nodding in acknowledgement to his words.

“Okay.” you croaked, not meeting his eyes as you turned to walk away, leaving him in the middle of the park you used to play at when you were kids.

You weren’t going to put up a fight. You weren’t going to plead with him anymore. You were going to try your absolute hardest to stop yourself from being selfish in that way.

You were just going to have to live with that fact that you couldn’t have him right now. That you almost could have had him.

Almost.

——

Chenle faded out of your life like he wasn’t even present in the first place. You barely heard from him after he left; there would be miscellaneous texts here and there but overall, he was right in the end. He was really always busy.

His school workload was heavy, and you were aware of that, but a selfish part of you always seemed to get angry at him for not responding to you.

The worst part was not knowing whether he wanted to reach out to you at all.

He didn’t come home during summer break, which broke your heart a little bit. Donghyuck tried his best to be there for you as you went through the motions; you were constantly miserable at the reality that you most likely would never call Chenle your own.

Chenle didn’t keep in contact much with Hyuck or Jisung either, seemingly leaving you all in the dust as he went about his new life away from you. His parents talked to him all the time obviously, and your own mother would dawdle on about something that Chenle achieved at school to you, but you’ve come to pretty much ignore everything that had to do with him.

You went about getting your own education, passing your classes by the skin of your teeth during the first semester and then producing the same results during the semester after that.

You really couldn’t blame yourself for feeling so utterly heartbroken; you were in love with that boy for most of your life, and for him to suddenly rip himself away from you like that was wholeheartedly agonizing.

Chenle rarely ever came home; he did briefly for Christmas, but then hurriedly left immediately after, not even staying for the full duration of his break.

You actually ran into him by accident one day while he was still home, but you didn’t stay in his presence very long before wanting to go to the safety of your bedroom and cry.

“Did you even miss me?” you whimpered out, exhausted after your small talk had turned into a bit of an argument. He sighed heavily, frustrated no doubt. you could hear it in his voice as he spoke to you.

“What do you want me say, Y/N?” he countered, scoffing at you as you held back the pain you felt burning behind your eyes, desperate to cry. “I haven’t even had the time to miss anyone, let alone you.”

You stood in silence for a moment, baffled at his dismissive attitude of it all. It’s like he didn’t even remember that he told you he liked you too all those months ago.

“You...” your voice cracked a little, and you looked away from him. “Did you even try, Chenle? Did you even try to find the time to talk to me?”

He didn’t say anything back, only staring at you before tearing his eyes away, his jaw locked. You felt as if you already knew the answer.

You turned to leave, but felt his hand immediately circle around your arm, roughly pulling you back to face him. Taking one look at his face, you knew he was angry.

“Do you know how much it hurt, Y/N?” he barked out, making you flinch back slightly. “Do you know how much it hurt to leave you? I–“ he cut himself off as his voice cracked, turning his head away and swallowing heavily before continuing. “I wanted to, so bad Y/N. You have no idea.”

Your lips parted in shock, and you had a million things you wanted to say, but you managed to keep it all inside as he went on.

“But I had to control myself. I already came to terms with the fact that this,” he gestured between the two of you, “wasn't going to ever work out. I figured that out a long time ago... I had to distance myself from you, I’m sorry.”

You really didn’t want to accept that apology. You really really didn’t. Your anger was swirling inside you, a typhoon of emotions building and building as you stared back into his now cold brown eyes. To you, they used to be so full of warmth and friendliness, and now they looked distant and unentertained, like he didn’t want to be here in the first place.

That hurt like a bitch.

You scoffed at him, making his eyebrows raise in confusion before they furrowed, his eyes narrowed at you.

Yeah, you were probably being a bitch for not accepting his apology, and all of this was turning out to be super petty, but you felt like he deserved it just a little bit.

Deep down you knew he had a point; his reasoning was valid and it all made sense, but when did having feelings for someone like you had for him ever lead to rational decision making?

“You know, Chenle,” you started, shoving your hands in your pockets roughly to shield them from the cold. “I really thought that we could still be friends after all the bullshit, I really did.” He watched you carefully as you practically spat forth those words, venom dripping in your tone. “But then you went and messed it all up.”

You probably shouldn’t have added that last part; playing the blame game never worked in anyone’s favor in the end, but your emotions once again got the best of you.

Smoke practically blew out his ears as his mouth parted in shock. Your heart dropped when you heard the sound of sarcastic laughter falling out of his mouth, knowing full well that you fucked up this time.

“I messed it up? Me??” He was pointing to his own chest for emphasis, and you had the audacity to give him a quick nod. “Ahah, wow Y/N, that’s really rich coming from you.”

You didn’t even have a second to get a word in before he crowded your space, so close that your chests were touching. You drew in a sharp breath, not sure what in the hell he was doing right now.

“You were the one that was practically begging me to kiss you that night, remember? You were trying so hard,” he spat, so close to your face now that you couldn’t even feel the cold nipping at your cheeks anymore (whether it be from the embarrassment lacing through your veins or the extensive heat from his body, you weren’t sure).

You couldn’t think of anything to say in response; all you knew was that he was dishing out pretty low blows, and each word was like a knife being plunged into your chest.

“Like, how desperate are you?” he added in, now moving his hands to grip your waist, making you squeak in surprise. “You want a kiss so bad? Get fucking ready.”

You weren’t sure what he meant and your brain was having such a hard time comprehending anything going on in that moment, the pressure of his hands gripping your waist making all thoughts fly out of your head besides one.

Him.

“Wait, Chenle–“ you placed a hand on his chest to try to push him away, unsure of how you felt about this situation.

“What, you don’t want it now?” his voice was borderline malicious as he spoke to you now, making you feel incredibly small and vulnerable under his gaze.

“No I–“

“You come to me and give me all that bullshit, and now when I’m trying to give you something that you wanted,” his grip grew tighter. “you don’t want it anymore? Make up your damn mind, Y/N.”

You did want it. There was still a huge part of you that screamed at you to just let it happen, but you knew it would be wrong. So fucking wrong. He wasn’t doing this because he wanted to; he was doing this because he wanted all this to end right here.

You were scared. He was scaring you with the way he was acting right now.

“Chenle, please—“

“Just shut up.”

Chenle didn’t allow you to get another word in before he crashed his lips against yours, roughly pressing his against your own so abruptly that you felt your teeth pierce the inside of yours. You tasted blood, but it wasn’t the first thing on your mind at the moment; Chenle moved his mouth against yours aggressively and without any emotion besides anger behind it, and you absolutely hated it.

Sure, it felt nice to finally get what you wanted, but in a way, you definitely were not. This isn’t what you wanted at all. You wanted to love him and you wanted him to love you...and you wanted it to feel nice.

His hands slid down to your hips and your stomach jumped in surprise as you tried desperately to match his pace to at least kiss him back a little bit. It didn’t last long, and with a strong push on your hips he effectively pulled away, your body stumbling back from the force of his shove.

His lips were red and puffy and his eyes were dark as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, panting slightly. You probably looked somewhat the same, but didn’t even move from where you stood as he stared at you. You felt your eyes become glassy from staring into space too long, and you felt your hands shake, but most definitely not from the cold.

“There’s your fucking kiss.” He finally said, taking two steps back. “Goodbye, Y/N.”

You didn’t even watch him walk back into his house. You ran as fast as you could back into your own home and immediately slammed the front door shut behind you, darting up the stairs without a single word.

You barged into your bedroom and without even removing your winter garments, you threw yourself down onto your mattress for what seemed like the millionth time in the last year, and began to sob.

——

Chenle’s parents said that he had commitments at the school, some sort of research or whatever, and that’s why he couldn’t stay home long. At the time, all you really thought was ‘good riddance’, but you knew that your heart would be back to obsessing over him in no time, even after what had happened between the two of you on the day you try so hard not to remember.

Well, at least he was flourishing at school.

When Donghyuck found out what had happened between you and Chenle during the time he was home from university, he was ready to kill someone. That someone being Chenle.

“He did what to you?!” Donghyuck screamed over the phone, causing you to pull it from your ear from the sheer volume of his screeching. “I’ll kill him, Y/N. I swear I’ll fucking kill that kid.”

“No need, Hyuckie. It’s not that big of a deal.” you replied somberly, sighing as you relaxed on your mattress against your pillows.

“Not a big deal??? Angel, he basically forced that shit on you,” Hyuck was speaking softly to you now, a stark contrast to his yelling from a few moments prior. “You should be furious at him. You need to tell someone—“

“I’m not mad,” you replied quietly, chewing on your bottom lip. “A part of me wanted that to happen, Hyuck. It just…” your voice trailed off, your brain trying to think of the right words to say. “Wasn’t what I was expecting, is all.”

The line was quiet and you weren’t sure what to say next, and Donghyuck must have felt the same. It was a really fucked up situation, you had to admit.

“I think I…” your voice sounded broken, but you continued. “I think I still love him.” The words came out as a whisper and they surprised even yourself, not expecting to admit such a thing after all that has happened.

“Oh, angel…” was all Donghyuck replied with before you quickly made up some lame excuse to hang up the call with him. You hurriedly pressed the ‘end call’ button and threw yourself back on the bed, spacing out once again just like you always do.

You managed to bear with not seeing or talking to Chenle after the incident (a huge part of you didn’t want to, after hearing what he had to say and also what he did during Christmas break), but when you stumbled across a post of his one night a couple months after while scrolling through Instagram, it had your heart shattering completely.

“What the fuck,” you whimpered, already struggling to hold back tears as your watery eyes stared daggers at the photo displayed on your screen. “What. The. Fuck?” you said it louder this time, with more malice, and you threw your phone across your bed to get it away from you.

Chenle had posted a photo of himself and another girl, kissing each other while snow fell in some random park you didn’t give a fuck about. He found someone else. He fell for someone else.

The hypocrisy.....he didn’t want to be with you because he wanted to focus on school, but then he goes and starts up a relationship with someone else anyway?

Maybe he did it to spite you.

At first, you felt pathetic for crying about it. You tried to muffle your cries in your pillow, holding back the ugly sobs that you so desperately wanted to let out. You silently cried, your heart aching and your lungs gasping for air as you fought the pain in the dark pit inside your chest.

You began to grow angry after a while, your thoughts spinning wildly out of control as your chest heaved, your nails digging into your sheets to keep yourself from clawing at your own burning throat.

You screamed.

You screamed and screamed and cried until there was nothing left inside you. You needed to let out the festering hatred you had grown for him since he left over a year ago. It was ugly and it was cacophonous, but you didn’t care anymore.

Your parents were luckily out, and you didn’t give a fuck about your neighbors. You poured out every raw emotion you felt until you sensed yourself beginning to calm; your chest no longer rose and fell like you had been running a marathon, your heartbeat quieted to a low thrum in your ears instead of a pounding drum, and your muscles relaxed, allowing you to lie down flat against your mattress.

Your pillow was soaked through with tears and your head was thumping, like your brain was smashing a baseball bat to the inside of your skull. You breathed in, five long seconds, and breathed out, seven seconds more, before bathing in the quiet of your room.

Your phoned buzzed from the end of your bed, and you hesitantly picked your head up, sliding to sit and reach for it tentatively.

It was a text message.

From: donghyuckie :P

hey, saw chenle’s post. ice cream in 20? I’ll pick you up

You smiled, surprising yourself entirely, as if you weren’t just screaming your head off just five minutes ago. You were incredibly happy to have such a good friend in your life, immediately knowing what you needed when you needed it. You were quick to reply.

To: donghyuckie :P

sounds good, I’ll see you then :)

You smiled again, and didn’t stop the whole night, Donghyuck's presence always comforting and joyful.

You would be okay, you knew you would. All you had to do was just live your own life, forget about Chenle, and be happy...always with a smile.

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #neothestars #nctcreations #nct: almost #chenle #zhong chenle #nct #nct dream #chenle angst #chenle scenarios #nct angst #nct dream angst #nct scenarios #nct dream scenarios #idk how to tag shjsjs #chenle fanfic #???#chenle x reader

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ichigo-daifuku · 3 years

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Ruffled Feathers

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia Pairing: Hawks/Todoroki Fuyumi Genre: Fluff, (Attempt at) Humor, Secret Relationship Word Count: 2.1k | AO3 Link

Synopsis: Fuyumi receives a plush toy of a certain Pro Hero as a gift from her students. No, it isn’t Endeavor. It isn’t her secret boyfriend, Hawks, either. Much to Keigo’s dismay, her students picked someone else, and it’s Edgeshot.

It happened on a Friday evening.

Keigo and Fuyumi agreed to meet for dinner at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant he frequented when he dropped by Musutafu. No one knew of their relationship yet, and it was the perfect location for a date night. The restaurant was quaint, unassuming, and situated in a discreet street mainly those who resided nearby visited. Fuyumi had loved it at first sight. She was surprised at how Keigo knew of it when she didn’t—she was the one who grew up in Musutafu while he was from Fukuoka! He explained how it was all thanks to his excellent sense of direction, and that led from one subject to another. Soon, it became a regular spot for their secret rendezvous. The food was outstanding, and it came to be their goal to try every dish on the menu.

Tonight, that would be karaage, which Keigo had been looking forward to all week.

The two of them sat in front of each other, waiting for their orders. As they chatted about the recent happenings in their lives, the item on the extra seat, resting beside Fuyumi’s bag, piqued Keigo’s interest.

“Hm? What’s that?” he asked, his eyes trained on the object in question.

“This one?” Fuyumi’s eyes lit up at the mention of the gift bag. She placed it on the table and explained, “I was quite surprised, but it’s a gift from the kids in my class.”

She unfolded the card attached to the handle and showed it to him. The message inside, scribbled by the class president, said: Todoroki-sensei, thank you for everything! We hope you like it! Signed at the bottom was the name of her homeroom class with a happy face beside it.

“Cute,” Keigo noted with a pleasant smile, mentally taking a guess why her students would give her a surprise gift. “Was there an occasion?”

“We had a talent show last week. I guess the kids had a lot of fun.”

“I’m sure they did,” he said and meant every word. He knew how much Fuyumi enjoyed teaching at the elementary school and thought it was nice to see her receiving love from her students.

“I’m curious to see what’s inside.” She began to unseal the washi tape on top of the gift bag. “It’s from the kids, though, so I’m sure I’ll love it.”

Keigo, who had received training provided by the Hero Public Safety Commission instead of formal education during his younger years, wondered what kind of presents school kids gave their teachers.

It was, however, the last thing he expected it to be.

Fuyumi peeked inside the bag and exclaimed, “It’s Edgeshot!”

His eyes widened in shock and alarm, taken aback. “E-Edgeshot?!”

“That’s right.”

“No way! Haha! You don’t mean that Edgeshot, right?”

“There’s no other Edgeshot other than Pro Hero Edgeshot, I think.” She laughed at what she thought was a joke he made and pulled the item out of the gift bag, showing it to him with a sunny smile. “Look! Isn’t he cute?”

He did as she asked and stared at it, unable to believe his eyes.

It was truly Edgeshot—in his chibi plush toy form.

And he, most definitely, was not cute.

“Fuyumi,” Keigo began with feigned nonchalance, except if his laser-like gaze could burn a hole through the plush toy, it would already have one. He wondered why, out of all the Pro Heroes in Japan, her students picked Edgeshot. The strain in his voice betrayed his bluff as he asked, “Do you like… Edgeshot?”

“He’s great, I guess? I mean, he is the Number Four Hero. The kids are fans of him and—”

“I’m Number Two, though,” Keigo bragged, puffing up his feathers. “Between the two of us, I’m the cooler guy.”

She nodded, chuckling. “Why, yes, of course. That’s right.”

He grimaced, unable to confirm if she agreed a hundred percent with him when she sounded as if she was placating a hatchling. A certain thought popped inside his mind, uncovering a silver lining in this dark cloud.

That’s it! Keigo thought. That’s the reason why her students chose that as a gift!

“I see,” he declared with a clap of his hands, pleased with his epiphany, “do you, perhaps, collect Pro Hero merch?”

“Not really,” she replied, creating a fracture on his optimistic fantasy, “Well, I do have a few of Dad’s, of course.”

“And?”

“That’s it.”

“Huh?” He leaned back, startled, but refused to let go of his last shred of hope. “How about the merch of a certain Wing Hero?”

“Er, about that…” Fuyumi fidgeted in her seat, finally understanding what he was getting at. She returned the Edgeshot plush toy back inside the gift bag and reluctantly admitted, “I… don’t have any.”

Keigo felt as if someone had poured cold water on him.

“Oh,” he muttered lamely. Wings fluffed up, he sent one of his feathers into his hands and preened it while staring into space. Yes, Fuyumi didn’t look like the type of person to collect Pro Hero merchandise. Now that he thought about it, he had never seen her with one, either. He was reluctant to admit it, but he was jealous. How come her students thought an Edgeshot plush toy was a more suitable gift for Fuyumi than a Hawks one?

“Here’s your karaage!” the waiter chimed in, set their orders in front of them, and refilled their tea.

However, even the karaage, which Keigo had been eagerly anticipating, did nothing to cheer him up.

“I’m so sorry, Keigo,” Fuyumi lamented, rousing him from his reverie, “It just… never crossed my mind.”

“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault,” he replied, internally reproaching himself for making her feel responsible for his silly reaction. “Besides, even if you aren’t a Hawks fangirl, you’re my girlfriend.”

“That’s right, but I am a fan of you, though.” She picked up her chopsticks and placed a piece of chicken from her plate between them, lifting it near his lips. “You’re my number one. Don’t be sad, please?”

Ugh, how come she knew just what to say to raise his spirits? His lips twitched as he opened his mouth and received her peace offering. The karaage was delicious. Most importantly, she said he was her number one. Nothing could top that. His bleak mood dissipated, and his face broke into a genuine smile, one that she returned with a relieved one of her own.

Still, Keigo couldn’t help but think about it later that night. Fuyumi had Endeavor merchandise, which was to be expected. As a matter of fact, he thought it was great how they had another thing in common. Now, however, Fuyumi had Endeavor and Edgeshot goods, but zero Hawks collectibles.

That couldn’t be. He had to do something about it.

A few days later, a package was delivered to the Todoroki abode. It was a large box sealed with ‘fragile’ tapes and addressed to Fuyumi. Written in the sender’s address was the Hawks Hero Agency in Fukuoka.

Truth be told, Fuyumi expected something like this to happen and had an inkling of what the contents of the box would be. Although it was unintentional, a pang of guilt remained within her mind for making him feel dejected during their long-awaited dinner date. When she arrived home that night, she did her research on Hawks’s merchandise and found out they were some of the most sought-after and top-selling products. The ones she had her eyes on would be a challenge to obtain. She was planning to hunt for a few, but if her hunch were correct, it would seem he had beaten her to it. He was a man who was too fast, she had to agree.

She transferred the box to her room and sat on the tatami. With its size, she believed it would take a while to get to each item Keigo included. Carefully, she unsealed it and was welcomed by the sight of bubble wrap—lots of it. Her suspicions were confirmed; the package was filled with Pro Hero merchandise—all of them the Wing Hero’s. They came in different shapes and sizes, and several of them even had their own boxes.

Fuyumi picked a random box and gasped. It was one of the items she was planning to scour the shops for: a Hawks Nendoroid. Beside it was a Hawks Pop! Vinyl Figure, a prize figure, and another box which had a shiny ‘limited edition’ sticker in front of it. He sent her a set of socks, too. She couldn’t decide if the pair based on the colors of this hero costume or the pair with red wings as its pattern was the cutest. There was also an oversized t-shirt with the characters for ‘Fierce Wings’ in front and an illustration of red wings at the back. In a smaller container, she came across various rubber keystraps, a few acrylic standees, and other small trinkets. The item that stood out the most to Fuyumi and made her laugh was the Hawks chibi plush toy, which she recognized was from the same line as the Edgeshot one she received from her students.

If anyone saw these, she had no doubt they would take her to be a diehard Hawks fangirl, but Fuyumi found she wouldn’t mind it. As Keigo told her last time, she was more than that—she was his girlfriend. The memory of him stating it with such conviction made butterflies flutter inside her stomach.

Soon, Fuyumi was down to the final product in the package which was a long black rectangular box. She untied the ribbon, lifted the lid, and set them aside. Cushioned inside it was a single crimson feather.

“A quill?” she murmured, twirling it between her thumb and index finger in scrutiny. “Wow, it looks so realistic!”

The quill, however, was untapered and unprepared for use. Perhaps, this product was one of those ‘do-it-yourself’ projects? Upon double-checking the package, though, she found no ink pot to pair it with. Even so, she had no complaints, especially since these were gifts from Keigo. Confused, she typed the words ‘Hawks Quill’ on an online search engine but found irrelevant results. Did Keigo send her a product sample to try out in exchange for an honest review?

Unless…

Fuyumi raised the feather in her hand closer to her face and blinked.

Would he really do something like that? She mulled over the question for a moment, her cheeks setting aflame when she came to the conclusion. He would.

“Can you hear me?” she whispered into the feather, suddenly feeling silly, “Or maybe not?”

The vane close to her lips swayed. It tickled her cheek the way his finger would when he caressed her face.

“Keigo, I just wanted to say thank you,” she paused, certain he was able to sense her, at the very least, “See you soon.”

Before cold feet could set in, Fuyumi pressed a soft and quick kiss to the feather. Her heart raced as she rushed to return it to the box. Overtaken by shyness, she covered her face with her hands and turned the other way, wondering if he felt it.

Endeavor and Hawks made their way to the entrance of the Hero Public Safety Commission. They teamed up for a short mission a few days ago and were back to report to the higher-ups.

Hawks, who had been chatting incessantly about pigeons, stopped in his tracks all of a sudden, causing him to lag behind.

Endeavor had grown used to Hawks’s odd behavior and antics, but he was, nevertheless, still vexed. He spun around and snapped his fingers in front of the younger hero’s dazed and flushed face. Hawks practically had hearts in his eyes, and he had spread his wings without realizing it.

What a distasteful sight, Endeavor thought. “What are you staring into space for?! Focus, boy! We are going to an important meeting!”

“I can’t.”

“And why the hell not, you fool?”

“I just got a kiss from Fuyumi.”

“What does that have to do with—” The words Hawks uttered registered in Endeavor’s mind. “Fuyumi?”

“My girlfriend.”

“You got a what from who? Which Fuyumi are you talking about? Answer correctly, or else!”

“I just got a kiss from my girlfriend…” Still in a daze, the gravity of the situation failed to strike Hawks’s mind. If it did, he didn’t seem to mind it much, having the nerve to smile at Endeavor as he continued, “Todoroki Fuyumi.”

The flames on Endeavor’s mask and hero costume flared. He grabbed the lovestruck Hawks by the collar and roared, “WHAT?!”

Notes: I wrote this because of what happened in Chapter 303. If you know, you know! (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

I hope this made you laugh—or smile, at least. Thank you for reading!

BNHA Masterlist | Main Masterlist

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255940g · 3 years

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I thunk i just had a big brain moment

So I just finished watching a scientist person (at least they have a radiation spot and uranium glass that they made) show off their uranium glass that they made. He put it under a blacklist. AND I SHIT YOU NOT the xolour the glass became was the EXACT shade of Danny Phantoms eyes while in ghost form or doing the scary eyes.

SO it had me thinking. The 'ghost detectors' the Fentons use really detect uranium. (Also seen in the video was a hand held device which beeped the closer it came to the uranium glass...sounds familiar. Right?) Which is why Danny in human form, he has to be semi-close to ghost detecting devices as he's human and has less exposure to uranium. BUT as the shows seasons go by he (human form Danny) can be more easily detected by the ghost detectors. We (the Phandom) also have the HC that the more Danny accepts his ghostly form/his half-death the more powerful his ghostly form is and the more control he has. We have never been given any knowledge of what the portal has been made of...

SO I propose this theory. To get into the Ghost Zone the Fentons had to recreate a highly concentrated form of a decomposing body (idk if a naturally decomposing body radiated uranium but whatever I don't care). BUT it (the portal) didn't just not work initially because the machiene was off on the inside, it lacked a consciousness or a will to get to the GZ. The fentons had to halt the process of a naturally decomposing body at a sweet spot to fully get to the other side but not far enough that it 'went too far' (lacking words here im dead tired rn) to mimic a fully decomposed body (aka past the time where a ghost could transition to the GZ). When Danny went into the portal he became the consciousness required to get the transportation to happen. (He also touched the on button to re-start the online sequence that the elder Fentons did in their initial test which failed.) DANNY had just the right amount of want (or will if you prefer) to get the portal opened, but thats not the only reason why he went in, so he didn't become the portal. Yet he had enough want to make it back to his friends and living life to stay within the human realm and enough wish/want/will to be something other then a wimp or someone who is overlooked and bullied.

A. Regarding Vlads accident with the above in mind, not only did the soda interfere with the delicate balance of recreating a decomposing body, the sequence was just a tad too far beyond the 'sweet spot' I mentioned previously and the portal didn't stay and created the exto-acne.

B. Danny's body not only was electrocuted it was also quickly absorbing the radiation which went to create the balance of a decomposing body. Because there seemed to be both a previously decomposing a body...lacking a true flesh form there was also a rapidly dying flesh body. Both of which were in a sweet spot to just combine. Danny wasn't fully developed so it was FAR easier to combine the two as the fleshy body within. The fleshy body could be convinced to accept the lacking-a-flesh secondary body in addition, combined all together with Danny's main wishes in life to create Phantom while maintaining a slightly less radiated human formed body baisically remaining the same previous to entering the portal. (obviously with a. Bunch of pain. But it could be done)

C. The true scientists of the family come into contact with radiation quite frequently due to their job and so had to create new, unique, personalized, ultimately BETTER anti-radiation suits out of necessity. (Also how they get the majority of their funds as many places will pay top dollar for the best protection against radioactive which could get the highest lawsuits and its FAR better to avoid those as it also gets the publics attention to things those with money don't want publicized. So who cares that they come from unique scientists every single scientist has something outside and unique to themselves. Their product gets the shor done and what they do with the money after being paid is not their buisness.) They don't take them off often due to different experiments which could need to be checked periodically safely at a moments notice.

Kids outside of those hours aren't encouraged after all. ALSO Jazz and Danny grew up between two different scientific labs their used to this shit and official safety measures can get an eye roll most times. (Pulling from the experience with high-school, elementary, junior High school, and some college science classes.)

Additionally, they go out to hunt ghosts which are radioactive and they need more protection then the average citizen. Danny's chores within the lab MUST be done at a certain time as he dosent really have the ultimate best suit and the experiments must be put away safely. We do see the stereotypical radiation signs absolutely everywhere in the background after all.

#dp #danny phantom #danny fenton #portal #further explination for things #have i accidentally opened my perception with a criwbar?#DP #i pulled this out of my ass #interesting #time for thoughts #plz ask further about rhis while its on my mind

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saqrqa3d · 3 years

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Raising Muslim Children in Non-Muslim Lands

Muslim parents, be vigilant about childrearing, especially if you find yourself raising children in the non-Muslim west.

Do not allow that non-Muslim mainstream culture to raise your children for you. Do not look away from your children, or let your gaze drift to other tasks like your job, your master's or PhD program, your social life, your house work, your friend circle, your community work, or whatever other distraction. Those other tasks are not bad in and of themselves-- but they are not as important as your real job: raising your Muslim children.

As a parent, your number-one priority is to provide Islamic tarbiya to your children. The results are outside your control ultimately, but your responsibility is still to try.

I have relative who is a 21 years old young woman, and a situation from a couple days ago has got me thinking about this issue. Let's call her Marwa.

Marwa was born and raised in the US. Her parents are religious Arab Muslims from Egypt. They were well-meaning parents who generally understood that tarbiya is important and that this American non-Muslim culture is in direct opposition to Islamic values. But they did not appreciate the depth of the clash of mainstream American values and Islamic ones, and so they failed to protect their children from certain things they should have. They were too lenient and permissive.

Marwa and her siblings went to American public schools as the parents worked low-paying jobs and went to school to try to make ends meet. Marwa was introduced to swear words like the f-word and other vulgar language at a young age in elementary school, and later was introduced to anorexia and cutting (self-harm) in middle school. Then in high school, at the age of 14, she was introduced to drugs in the form of marijuana and cigarettes.

Her best friends were two non-Muslim American girls from her kindergarten class. They grew up together.

They did everything together, Marwa, a Muslim girl, and Melissa and Katy, two non-Muslim girls. They hung out at school, went to each other's houses after school, and sometimes had sleepovers. All three had boyfriends, even Marwa.

Marwa's parents had made the mistake of giving her a smartphone when she was far too young, sometime in middle school. She was maybe 11 or 12 when she got her first iPhone. It opened up a whole world hitherto inaccessible to the young girl. This is how she met her non-Muslim boyfriend: chatting with non-Muslim strangers online with the smartphone her parents gave her.

All three girls smoked weed in high school. Vaping (using a vape, or "a pen," is like smoking an e-cigarette) is trending right now at American high schools across the country. Marwa vaped too, despite the fact that it hurt her lungs.

When her mother found out she was vaping, Marwa said, "She can deal with it."

Marwa is now 21 and currently going to a school in a different state from the one her parents live in. Her two besties, Melissa and Katy, miss her since she's no longer living near them, and so the three girls planned an elaborate weekend trip together.

The trip itself is relatively tame, compared to what it could have been. The girls planned to go camping at a campsite in the woods, for three days and two nights, at a place about an hour away from her school. But the noteworthy thing here is that Marwa planned this whole affair without once consulting her parents or asking their permission.

A couple days ago, Marwa mentioned the trip to me casually, saying, "Hey, so my friends and I are gonna go camping next weekend."

I asked her about some of the details, and she replied with short answers. Then I asked her, "What do your parents think? Did they say yes?"

She shrugged. "I haven't told them. I'll let them know eventually."

I said jokingly, "If you were my daughter, I'd have said no. I don't think this is a good idea, honestly. Make sure you ask your parents and don't just assume they'll say yes."

The first conversation ended there. I felt distrubed and troubled. How can a young unmarried woman create plans for a whole weekend, pay money, book cabins, buy tickets, make solid and concrete travel plans all without asking her parents' permission?

Later that day, I called her parents (who trust me to keep an eye on her as she lives away from them). Neither of them had a clue about what their daughter was doing and when they found out, they were disappointed but unsurprised. "We wanted her to focus on studying," they said mildly. "She's going to fall behind in her classes by getting distracted with her friends for the weekend."

Later still that same day, Marwa and I talked again. She said she told her parents and they were fine with her going camping with her friends, because she'd sent them the website of the campsite and assured them that it was perfectly safe.

But the problem isn't about going camping itself, I explained to her. The problem is in her methodology. How can a young unmarried woman move around and do stuff without allowing parental input? You ask for permission first, THEN after the parents say yes, you tell your friends to buy their plane tickets and you book the cabin and reserve your spots.

Not the other way around.

And if your parents say no, it's a no. This is respect for parents. Your parents mean something.

Marwa had a history of employing this slick methodology with her hapless parents. She flew cross-country once to meet up with her boyfriend in this exact way, secretly making all the plans without asking her parents.

This is not a one-time thing. It's a mode of operation, standard procedure for this young woman for years now.

I said, "If your parents had said no, would you still have gone? Why would you pay actual money before asking them?"

She looked me straight in the eye and said, "Honestly, I wasn't asking them, I was telling them. I want to do what I want to do. I'm an adult. I'm not a child who needs anyone's permission. I can do things I want to do as long as I'm being safe. Plus I know haram and halal, and I'm not doing anything haram. Camping isn't haram! So why would they say no? I know they are worried about my safety, I've got their whole speech memorized in my head. But that's why I do my own thing and then just tell them afterward, or at the last second. I don't give them a chance to say no. If I give them an opportunity to say no, of course they will say no! They wouldn't let me do anything! So I just decide what I want to do, then make my plans without asking them, then I tell them later, 'Look, I'm doing X or Y.' That's it."

This is the American, liberal, westernized mentality. I am my own person with no one to answer to. Nobody controls me. I'm an adult. I have freedom and agency. I want to live my life.

Why should I ask anyone for permission for anything, even my own parents?

They don't control me, either.

When you grow up steeped up to your eyebrows in the American public school system, which strips parents of their rights, of their authority over their own children, of their relevance-- you see your parents as irrelevant.

When your best friends are non-Muslims without parental guidance, raised by single moms and never having met their dads, you subconsciously start adopting that irreverent attitude toward parents.

When you grow up watching American TV shows and movies where parents are regularly duped and trolled and outsmarted by kids, and when you have had a smartphone since childhood, these technologies get in the way of your relationship with your parents.

So of course, it's inevitable that the result is this. Seeing your parents as just people you tell things to after the fact, not people you ask for permission.

And the parents just need to "deal with it." Take it or leave it. The child sets the rules for the tone of the parent-child relationship.

The prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم foretold that as we near the end times, the mother will give birth to her mistress.

صدق رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم.

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blog-writing-contest · 2 years

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MY LIFE BEFORE THE PANDEMIC

How I miss going out. Before the pandemic I enjoy life outside, hanging out with friends and enjoying the outdoors. I like to ride the bike, roam around the rice fields and play with my friends. Our house is located near to rice fields. I miss walking from school to our house enjoying the beauty of the nature. Hearing the birds sing, smelling the freshness of the air. And the smile of our dog "Putol" she always loves running around, she can run like a race car. This thing change when the pandemic came.

I enjoy going to school, I miss my teacher and classmates, I enjoy their company. Every Monday morning I'm very excited because we will have flag ceremony, but sometimes I'm late. I see my friend klarenz, Kent and ranz raising the Philippine flag, after the flag ceremony, we will go to our classroom and start the class. After three subjects we will do recess, I will go to the canteen and buy some foods like lugaw, siomai, and my favorite ukoy.. after recess the next subject is the hardest subject and most of the students hate it. Our teacher, sir Charlie make this subject interesting, he will do his best to explain the steps and technique how to solve the equation. Every subject is fun, everyday I have new things to learn.

Not only the academic, but the activities with your friends is more fun, you all have bonded with each other. Here I miss boy scouts in with my friends, learning new things such as surviving in the forest. What to do if someone is hurt, and many more. We experienced go to mount makiling staying there in 1 week. I missed the fun of being there. We also play chess and soccer, I became a representative of my school in chess competition, Same as in soccer. I remember in soccer I got a yellow card because I kick the leg of my enemy but it's not intentional. All of this happy experience stops because of this pandemic.

I competed in different contest in math, I received different recognition and awards. I remember in grade 2 I got into an accident, my whole face is wounded and tomorrow I will compete in math competion. I'm very conscious about my face but luckily I win. I remember before this pandemic, I attend theater rehearsal it gives me more confidence to talk in front of many people. We perform in Tanay hane festival and Antipolo, it was helpful for people who doesn't have confidence to talk in front of the people. Also in my school in elementary, I was the former president of the school, It called SPG (Supreme Pupils Government) I experience many things especially in leadership. Sometimes we go in the barangay to help kids and attend meetings in the barangay.

Now so much had changed. We are doing online classes, staying at home. We don't go out to go to school anymore. We can't interact with our teachers and classmates. It's all because of safety. I wish someday it would all go back to normal so I could enjoy the fun outside. Until then, health is more important.

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nuggets-and-french-fries · 3 years

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The Christmas Miracle: Chapter One.

Art teacher Faith Matthews sat at her desk going over some ideas for her next class. She wanted to find something fun and easy for her ten special needs students to do for their Christmas art projects. She knew that most of them loved to finger paint while the other part of her students loved to draw. She tried to find what she could using Pinterest but even then it was proving to be a tedious job. Faith huffed and leaned back in her chair just as Joy entered her empty classroom.

Joy and Faith had been friends for many years after having met when Joy relocated to the elementary school in Anchorage, Alaska. Joy had been the one to introduce herself to Faith as Faith was the more quiet and shy type and thankfully over time, Joy brought out the goofy side in Faith. Since then the two were inseparable and did everything together, including applying for jobs at the same school they had met years prior.

"Thought you could use this." Joy said as she held up a large takeaway cup and sauntered over to her friend.

"You are a lifesaver." Faith said as she took the cup and took a long sip of the peppermint hot chocolate. It was her favorite thing to drink around this time of year as it reminded her of the Christmas she believed to be her last. Her mother had found the recipe online and really wanted to try it out. Faith's father, James, cringed at the idea of hot chocolate being ruined but Faith fell in love with the beverage and vowed that if she made it to her next Christmas, that would be her drink of choice for the holiday season.

"Speaking of which, did you send that letter?" Joy asked. Faith nodded and sat forward.

"I did." Faith replied simply.

"And? Did you hear back?" Joy asked.

"I did get a letter back but I haven't opened it yet. Kind of thought we could do it together since you helped me with the first one." Faith said. Joy grinned.

"Well go on then, let's see what they said." Joy exclaimed. Faith giggled at her friend's elation. She certainly lived up to her name, that was for sure.

Faith pulled the white envelope out of her bag and stared at it for a moment. She wasn't sure what to expect but she hoped that whatever answer she held in her hands it would be a good one. Taking a deep breath, Faith opened it.

'Dear Miss Matthews,

Thank you for your letter but we regret to inform you that the donor has passed away. It has been recommended by the family that you no longer try to contact them.

Kind Regards,

Kylie Jordan.'

Faith's heart plummeted at those words. All she wanted to do was thank the donor and now she couldn't.

"Well that sucks." Faith said with defeat. Joy simply pat Faith's shoulder.

"My dear, they said that it was recommended that you no longer contact the family." Joy said somewhat slyly. Faith looked at her friend and tilted her head to the side.

"You don't say." Faith remarked sarcastically.

"Faith, they didn't say that you couldn't go and visit them." Joy said.

"Are you nuts? That's the same thing." Faith said incredulously. "Plus, I don't know where they live. How could I possibly go and do that?" She concluded.

"Is there a return address on the envelope?" Joy questioned. Faith examined the envelope and nodded her head.

"Yeah but it's from the donor agency in Talkeetna." Faith replied. Joy beamed at the name as though she was the Cheshire cat from Alice in wonderland.

"What?" Faith asked, already knowing the answer. Her friend had something up her sleeve.

"That's where Nick is from." Joy told her friend.

Nick was Joy's fiance and owned the local cafe in town, which he claimed was his baby. Joy had to scoff at that but found it enduring that he was so passionate about the little shop. The couple had been together for about four years after meeting each other at the Christmas fair Anchorage held every year.

"Make your point Joy." Faith said, now growing tired of Joy's games.

"My point is that Nick might know this donor's family and could help us track them down." She said, practically bouncing in her spot.

"Oh yeah and what do I say to him 'I got this letter that told me to not contact the family of my donor but can you help me track them down so I can visit them'? No thanks." Faith said. Joy rolled her eyes.

"Well the choice is yours. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for my next class." Joy said as the bell rang for the children to come in from recess.

Faith knew that Joy had a point but with the news she had just gotten, the last thing she wanted to do was fan the flames and add more heartache and disappointment to the situation. For now, Faith decided to leave it alone and really weigh her options.

By the end of the school day, Faith was still undecided on what to do and she knew the only person she could turn to with sound advice was her father. So she packed up her things, locked her classroom door and headed out to her car to make her way to where her father worked as a carpenter, making furniture and other wooden goods.

"Hi dad." Faith greeted as she walked into his workshop. James looked up and smiled.

"Hi honey, how was work?" He asked with a cheerful expression.

James loved his family dearly, especially his only daughter. From the moment Faith was born she had always brought him so much joy and happiness. She was his little buddy after all. Growing up, wherever Faith was, you knew James wasn't too far behind.

"I've had better days." Faith admitted truthfully. James removed his safety goggles and placed them on his work bench.

"I know that look. What's on your mind?" James asked.

"Bad news or good news first?" Faith questioned in reply.

"Let's hear the good news." James replied. Faith smiled. Of course he would choose the good news.

"Well I wrote a letter to my donor to thank them for giving me my life back." She responded.

"That takes guts. Good for you." James said. Faith rolled her eyes.

"Not the time for jokes dad." She countered.

"You're right. Go on." He encouraged.

"Bad news is that in the response, I was told that the donor has passed away and the family wants nothing to do with me." Faith explained.

"Well honey, I'm sorry to hear that but you know that they have every right to want that. Losing someone you love is tough. Now thankfully we never had to go through that but we almost did and it was utterly painful to watch." James told his daughter.

"Joy was with me when I opened it." Faith said.

"Oh dear god. What feather brained idea has she come up with now?" James asked, knowing Joy all too well. Faith chuckled at her father's expression.

"The letter came from Talkeetna and she got excited because that's where Nick is from. She said that maybe he knows this family and could help us track them down so I can go and visit." Faith explained. James pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I don't think you should do that. As I said before, this family has the right to privacy. Tracking them down without their knowing would be an invasion of that." He replied.

"I just want to thank them though." Faith replied.

"I know you do but I don't agree that you should and I don't think your mother would want you to do that either." James said.

"Thanks for being honest dad." Faith said eventually. James smiled and winked at her. Faith walked over to him and gave him one last hug before walking over to the door.

"I know what you're thinking Faith, don't do it." James warned. Faith turned and gave him a cheeky smile. In truth, she still didn't know what to do but she wanted to tease her father.

"Love you dad." She called.

"Love you too." He replied, watching her walk out. He could only hope and pray that she did not take heed to what Joy had to say in this scenario.

===

Tag List: @sarahegerton96 @hauntedflamingo

#originalstory #taronegerton #thechristmasmiracle #transplant #hallmark #christmas story #organdonor

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hufflautia · 4 years

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Hope you’ve had a great day today 💛

funnily enough, i literally just stopped crying. today was a bad day, I don't know

why but my anxiety was just quite bad today and I was panicking before school started. something happened in my first class and I overthink a lot, so my mind was like, “oh my god why did they write your name last, do they hate me, am I boring, am I forgetful, people are always forgetting about me” and “my teacher doesn't like me, why didn't he respond, I'm embarrassed, why did you have to say what you said??” my English teacher does these “mindfulness” moments in which we sit in silence for a minute and reflect on the day, and I literally started crying. after the minute ended, I just stopped bc I didn't feel like crying anymore, and suddenly my brain said, “ur so fake, ur just acting, why did u stop crying all of a sudden, u just want attention u crave attention ur such a faker!!” also I keep thinking about something that happened years ago with my dad, I don't rlly wanna get into it but I think it would be good if I just say it so that its not jammed in my head. basically, I was really young, like in elementary school; my dad asked me if i wanted to sleep in his room with him, and originally, my mom was sleeping with him and i shared a room with my little brother. however, i was like hmm maybe, and then my dad said, haha ill pay u 5 dollars. at the time, i said YAY OK but now i realized that's so fucking creepy, yall know what its insinuating right?? anyways, i said ok, bc it was just a change from the usual sleep schedule and i liked spending time w my dad, so my mom went to my brothers room (it was a king-sized bed so it was ok, it wasn't a small bed that we had to share or anything like that) and i went to my parents room. basically, what happened was that we went to sleep, and in the middle of the night, (the next part makes me feel so uncomfortable and i feel queasy writing it) my dad slapped my butt really really hard to the point where i woke up and i was like ?????? and then he rubbed it softly immediately afterwards. i didnt know what happened, and i told my sister the day after, and she was confused too. recently i was thinking about it and I'm still confused and a lot more uncomfortable with what happened. here is my theory and i was very upset by it bc no one would want to think things like this- maybe my dad likes hurting women during sex and it was a reflex that night, but once he realized it was me, he tried “soothing me” or some shit by rubbing my butt (i literally hate this, i hate the fact that this happened and i don't like typing it out). no one wants to think about their parents sex life so this was just disgusting to think about. also my brother and mom keep arguing and fighting with each other, and I'm sure i have trauma from hearing my parents argue all the time so i rlly don't like it when they fight. my brother has explosive anger and he literally screams at her, which is very disrespectful; however, she screams at him too and sometimes hurts him, which scares me. I'm not worried about my own safety, I just hate violence i hate abuse, that scares me. so much stuff has happened in my life, and it results in a lot of trauma and other stuff that i don't even know about. i just know im really fucked up, im damaged and it just all felt like crashing down on me today- like everything thats happened, i was feeling anxious for no reason, i was thinking about the past, and i started crying again while watching netflix after school, so i just kept crying and i talked to myself out loud about my day and why i was feeling the way i was. that did help to some extent, and after i did that, i stopped crying, and then my brain said “why do you shut off your crying so easily, you seem fake, you seem like you wanna be sad and cry just so that you can see your pretty little tears drip down ur face like an actress, ur so fake ur so fake ur faking it ur not actually sad”, and the hardest part was that i didnt even object to it bc i didnt feel like anything was real, i felt like i didnt know who i was. i was like ok bitch whatever maybe ur right maybe i am faking it. i dont even know how to explain it, but its like being tired of that nagging and negative voice that you just submit to it, and you say ok whatever sure i am faking it, but in truth, the sadness i was feeling was real and genuine. about 10 min ago, i saw that someone tagged me in a fanfic and while i was reading it, i literally started bawling. i guess it was bc i saw in my email inbox that people had sent me asks, and i was happy bc i thought that maybe the person who sent me the fanfic idea responded back with more details. i was anxious about that before, bc i was thinking, oh god what if they just never respond, what if they just dont care about u anymore. when i saw the asks notifications, i felt a lot of relief bc i thought to myself, oh phew ok people still care about u. when i was crying while reading the fanfic, i couldn't stop crying, it felt endless. i couldn't just stop crying like i had before, and it reminded me of the time when my mom was going out to meet someone that she met on a dating app, and it was in the earlier times when she started doing this; she had gotten involved with some terrible men in the past, men who catfished her and were rlly vulgar and gross. im sure this was somewhere in June, when i had just posted chapter 1 of the slytherpuff series bc when i was freaking out about the date, i wrote about it in my journal and i know that it was somewhere in June bc i wrote something like “mom is going out to meet someone and im nervous, please please please i hope shes ok and careful, im really nervous and scared, no one likes my writing, mom is probably in danger, oh god oh gosh”. it was just a whole bunch of negative and anxious thoughts, including how i was feeling about the whole situation with chapter 1, so that's how i know it was somewhere in June. anyways, basically i was really scared for my mom bc shes had a bad history with online men and i was scared that someone was gonna kill her. i read and listen to a lot of murder mysteries, so my mind was going absolutely wild. i remember on that day, i went to take a shower after writing that entry in the journal, bc showering makes me feel better. when i stepped into the shower i started crying bc i was really scared for her and i was hoping she was safe and ok but i was just feeling so scared so i was crying and i couldn't stop crying. that was the scary part because i just kept bawling and i couldn't stop like i usually do; my brain said ok that's enough, you’ve cried enough, but my heart just kept going on and on and my brain said ok ok jessica holy jesus that's enough and eventually i sucked it up and was kinda ok afterwards but still sad and numb. that was similar to what had happened about 20 min ago. also im sure i was also sad today bc yesterday, my mom talked to me about in-person college visits, and her demeanor was very rushed and controlling. she said, “ok jessica we’re gonna do the college visits, we’re gonna drive there, and your dad is gonna come home for that. tell him that you need to do that, ok? tell him we do the college visits together.” i said that colleges are doing virtual tours, and her facial expression was very strained, she was like “DO NOT TELL HIM THAT. dont tell him that, ok?!” and she was pointing her finger at me and everything. she said, “tell him we’re going to do the physical college tours, which colleges do you wanna visit??” and she kept telling me not to tell him about the virtual tours. it reminded me of whenever she told me to say this or that to my dad over the phone, and i was upset, like oh great ok so dad’s coming home and i dont even wanna see him bc i dont like him that much, and now im gonna have to lie bc dad is probably gonna already know about the virtual tours and im gonna have to pretend that none of the colleges are doing virtual tours. in essence, today was a terrible day. while i was crying my eyes out when reading the fanfic, i wanted to tell something, i wanted to reach out to lee and jolie, but my brain said that i would burden them, im always telling them about stuff that happens (concerning my family or other stuff) and its probably getting too much for them. my brain said that they wont be able to help anyway, im still gonna have to deal with the stuff im dealing with, and no one can help. that's a sad thought, it seems so helpless and sad. sometimes i overthink the smallest things, and when i see a text from lee and jolie that doesnt seem “right”, i think, oh gosh they hate me now, why did i have to say that?? i usually see my therapist every Thursday, aka today, but we didnt meet this time bc her schedule is becoming busy so now we’re gonna do it every other week, so next week i shall see her. perhaps she can help.

thank you for this ask, it seemed so out of the blue bc no one rlly sends asks like this anymore. while writing this, i literally thought to myself, shes like an angel sent from heaven

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

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y’know i love memes as much as anyone else on this hellsite and the internet in general. but one meme i can’t stand now, as well as a joke used by older comedians about ~kids today!!!! am i right???~ that i can’t stand now, is the one that’s like “all 10 year olds want today is an iphone or an ipad or a macbook for their birthday or christmas! all i got for my 10th birthday/christmas as a kid was a tennis racquet and a tether ball that hit me in the face! kids are so spoilt today! you better get an i-job to i-pay for your spoilt mac-ass!”

because like.... do you not understand that in today’s increasingly over-connected world, ipads and macbooks or other tablets/laptops are pretty much required school equipment now, if your 10yo kid’s primary/elementary etc school has a ~bring your own device~ policy for kids in years 4-6??? like obviously yes, some schools will provide students with laptop/tablet trolleys and stuff.... or also the government might have a program to roll out laptops/tablets to schools (like australia did under rudd and gillard).... that some schools will literally put “parents must get a reliable tablet computer or laptop computer for their child to use for assignments”. when it comes to high school, i imagine that they’ll need their own laptop/tablet the whole way through their time there, if there is no longer any school provided or limited school provided laptops/desktop computers/tablets.

that’s besides the point that laptops etc are even more so required now than ever before, after everyone was forced to do homeschooling because of covid??? so. practically. a kid asking for a macbook/ipad or other tablets/laptops for their birthday or christmas, isn’t such a bad idea for a present??? even if yeah. apple is overrated and overpriced to the max. but suck it up and pay for your child’s future education??? even it means getting a cheaper laptop or tablet for your kid.

all i can say on the above point is that yes. the idea of ~bring your own device~ policies does set many families back- especially those in/from lower income areas/backgrounds or single parent families... considering that a decent tablet will set you back at least $500 and a decent mini laptop is around the same.... but bigger and better laptops are around $1000 on sale (windows) or idek like $1,200 on an apple education pricing deal. like yeah. it’s a demarcation thing and also setting some people up to fail. and again, this has been made increasingly obvious during covid due to different families acces to buying laptops/tablets or other internet connection means. i also understand that these big ticket item purchases of tablets/laptops hits the hip pockets of everyone harder during the pandemic, especially if you’re struggling with debt like mortgage repayments or whatever while being made redundant or are being paid less while working from home.

okay. not to sound like a spoilt brat of a kid, but i got my first laptop, an i-book G4 for my 10th birthday in 2005. then almost 10 years later, i got a macbook for my 18th birthday (and for my HSC/end of high school exams) in 2013. yes, this is the macbook that i promptly fucked up two years later in 2015, by trying to encrypt the hard drive, since i was taking it to uni and it had all my internet passwords remembered on it along with my banking details. the same goes for my other windows laptop... where the hard drive just decided to fry itself like 4 months into me using it, along with the trackpad. and that was a $1,200 ASUS laptop (bought on sale) that i was using for uni. and then finally my little HP stream laptop’s keyboard shorted out halfway through a creative writing class (that was $500 and it only has a 28gb hard drive so it’s very light and good for transport).

but my point is, me having my own laptop (as opposed to using the family computer only) helped me immensely in my studies..... and they were literally fucking essential to me both in business college and uni. but they were also helpful in late high school, considering that 90% of my assignment work was expected to be typed out in microsoft word or powerpoint or excel (for maths and science). or for more creative projects, i was expected to use adobe photoshop and video editing software like imovie or adobe premiere pro (art/computer tech/drama/that weird year 7 subject i did called INTEL) and garageband/sibelius (for music). how on earth was i supposed to keep doing work on adobe photoshop or word etc at home if i didn’t have my own laptop to continue the work???

because as a final point, for me, literally by year 10 in 2011, NOT ONE of my assignments was expected to be handwritten (bar my actual exams or in class tests; also state tests/exams etc; or if it was a poster or visual art). if you dared to turn in something handwritten, the teacher and student interaction would be like the following example:

teacher to a kid whose handed in a handwritten assignment: did you not read the assessment outline? it said WORD PROCESSED WITH WORD! what is this handwritten thing? okay fine. i’ll take it this time. but read the outline next time, timothy!

timothy: *stammers out* s-sorry miss/s-sorry sir *stalks away from the teacher’s desk in embarrassment and shame*

the teacher, probs thinking to themself: weird that a kid thinks they can hand in something handwritten. silly, really.

the above scenario was the same for me in years 11 & 12. also, by year 9/2010, we were using the education management system moodle (and maybe early stage presi for online presentations) for both of our HSIE subjects (history and geography) and i think a couple of other subjects, during most lessons and especially for class work that involved group work/class discussions, via online discussion boards function. my year group was actually was actually one of the test year groups for the early models of moodle. so by the time i was in uni, i was a native to using moodle; so i could skip the “moodle help tutorial” subject portions on it in every class.

hell, for today, i wouldn’t be surprised if foreign language subject faculties in high schools are now using school subscription class accounts or something for duolingo or babbel. and today, kids are learning coding from like year 4 onwards, i think, on apps at school as part of their science & tech studies lesson portion of the day. how on fucking earth are kids meant to keep up with their class work progression on coding apps or whatever, at home, if they don’t have their own laptop/tablet??? ridiculous. how would kids fare today without their own laptop/tablet, if all of their classwork for homeschooling is on like google drive/cloud or whatever other open source drive/open source cloud software their school uses?? or any other apps that their school might use??? obviously we are seeing this play out in real time during the pandemic, world over, where if a child is in a single parent family or if their two parents don’t have adequate enough resources/have been fired or let go from their jobs/juggling working from home and homeschooling; then it’s hurting these kids likelihood of doing well with distance learning.

but yeah. my point is that if your kid is asking you for a laptop or a tablet (regardless of brand) for their birthday or christmas, maybe buy them one?? because you never know. it may be the very thing at the top of their student resource list for the following school year. and also. do you know what stops kids fighting over their access to the family computer/tablet to do their assessments etc??? buying them their own personal laptops or tablets. even if they do cost an arm and a fucking leg. get your heads out of your asses and help your own goddamned kids (or relatives if it’s a nephew/niece etc asking for one) like you’re supposed to.

okay. for phones. i’ll admit i wouldn’t like a 10 year old having their own phone, because of social media being so easy to access on them. but if you don’t allow them to use the app store and don’t allow them to download instagram/facebook et al..... and give them the phone solely for safety reasons, i think that’s fine?

i’ve had a phone since i was 10 years old. also not to sound awfully clichè, but i turned out okay??? i had to have a phone back in year 4/2005 due to safety and also family issues. do you know what my teachers did with it? locked it away in their desk til the end of the day. obvs they had to remind me to take it home sometimes (bc i did leave it behind at school in the desk a few times lmao) but yeah. i was alright. if a kid wants a phone..... maybe make a compromise and get the classic nokia 3310 or something?? like i obvs agree that kids as young as 10 defs don’t need a smartphone like an iphone or a samsung galaxy. but a rock solid and basic nokia 3310 or whatever with no wifi access??? that’s good enough imo.

#life #about me #shut up ilona

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the-hybrid-lua · 3 years

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So I reablogged a post recently about sharing race on tumblr, and received an ask thanking me for what I said. With that in mind, I want to try to expand on the two sentences I said, especially now that I'm not just reacting emotionally to the original post.

Is the post, since I responded almost 2 hours ago and tend to reblog a lot of things very quickly.

For some reference, I am in my mid 20s and had to sit through at least 3 assemblies in elementary school talking about internet safety and "dont share anything" and a bunch of in class scare videos about how easy it is to be tricked. Girlscout troops in the state I lived in at the time also had meetings and videos about internet safety. I remember getting a patch for internet safety at one point, and its entirely possible the thing is still in my parents possession somewhere.

Internet safety was almost entirely focused on how the anonymity could be used to trick you, and how to use that same anonymity to protect yourself. I remember being told to be careful about using a username like "Luathedoglover1980" because it had one of my names, an animal i enjoyed, and my "birth year", all of which could be used to start a conversation or try to get to know me. The video flat out said to use either random numbers or a year that doesn't relate to you, never put your real name, use a nickname that people won't be able to easily track to you. If someone asks where you live? Either don't answer or go something super broad like the country you live in.

This stuff was important, you were literally told to share absolutely nothing about yourself, you had to treat everyone else on the internet as if they were dangerous. There were even discussions on how you couldn't trust pictures from the people you talked to, because it was too easy to steal someone else's images. The stealing images part is so true that there's TV shows about people being lied to online.

And then Facebook got big. Don't get me wrong, MySpace was around before then, but Facebook is what really changed how we share information online. It started off fun and personal, but as it got bigger, people started sharing more, and it became common to see school and work information. Then businesses started checking Facebook pages, and Facebook started requiring actual names and more and more real information.

I stopped using Facebook for that reason, I didn't want to share all of my information, especially under my real name. I never made a LinkedIn for the same reason. The way these sites collect and sell information does not help, but thats a completely different conversation that I have no wish to have right now.

On top of all of that, I have one very important question: how do you know if someone is lying about their race on tumblr?

Before you start saying that their posts or pictures give it away, I want to point out a few things. First off, does anyone remember hivliving? Someone lied about both their race and having hiv, and got away with it for a long time. Second, not everyone posts pictures, or talks about their race in the things that they post. I've been on tumblr for over 10 years, and in all that time I have only posted one picture that shows any part of my body. It shows my hand, because I was making a joke about something I called the shakeweight Jr. I am not the only person who uses tumblr without posting any pictures that show myself. Tumblr still let you be anonymous, especially in comparison to other sites.

Race and discussions about race and racism are important, and a lot of people need to at least make an attempt to understand the perspectives of others before jumping onto a post, but that does not mean that everyone has to share their race on their blog, and it does not make anyone else entitled to that information. Your race may not be the most private thing, or something that will directly lead to doxxing, but nobody is required to share anything.

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akathecentimetre · 4 years

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Hey there, so I really like history as a subject, and I'm pretty good at it. The thing is, I don't know what my career options would be if I studied it, or if I would be able to make money. My parents are heavily discouraging me from taking it as a major. As a 'historian' in training' what's your take? Thank you

Hi there! Sorry for the delay, ‘tis the hectic season…

Oh man, I have so many thoughts for you. Full disclosure: this is something I have worked on a LOT over the course of my graduate career both at my uni and on a national level; most of my advice, however, comes from a PhD candidate’s perspective and may not be directly helpful to an undergraduate, and I should also emphasize that everything I can say on this is very firmly based on the U.S. market only. That being said, a lot of what I can say can be universally applied, so here we go -

The number of history undergraduates in the U.S. has plummeted in the last decade or so, from it previously being one of the most popular majors. There are many interacting reasons for this: a changeover from older to younger, better-trained, energetic professors who draw in and retain students has been very slow to occur, partly because of a lack of a mandatory retirement age; the humanities have been systematically demonized and minimized in favor of the development of STEM subjects, to the occasional benefit of students of color and women but to the detriment of critical public discourse and historical perspective on current events; with many liberal arts colleges going under financially and the enormous expansion of academic bureaucracy everywhere, resources are definitely being diverted away from social and human studies towards fields which are perceived to pay better or perceived, as mentioned in the article above, as being more ‘practical.’ (We do need a ton more healthcare workers/specialists, but that’s a different conversation to have.) But now I feel like quoting a certain Jedi Master: everything your parents say is wrong. Let’s dive into why being a historian is a positive thing for you both as a person and as a professional -

You will be a good reader. As you learn to decipher documents and efficiently and thoroughly read secondary literature, you will develop a particular talent for understanding what is important about any piece of writing or evidence (and this can go for visual and aural evidence as well). This will serve you well in any position in which you are collecting/collating information and reporting to colleagues or superiors, and evaluating the worth of resources. Specific example - editorial staff at publishing houses either private or academic, magazines, etc.

You will be a good writer. This will get you a good job at tons of places; don’t underestimate it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been astonished (not in a punitive way, of course, but definitely with a sense of befuddlement) by how badly some of my Ivy-league students can write. Good writing is hard, good writing is rare, and good writing is a breath of fresh air to any employer who puts a high premium upon it in their staff. History in principle is the study of change; history in practice is presenting information in a logical, interesting, and persuasive manner. Any sort of institution which asks you to write reports, summaries, copy, etc. etc. will appreciate your skills.

You will be a good researcher. This sounds like a given, but it’s an underappreciated and vital skill. Historians work as consultants. Historians work in government - almost every department has an Office of the Historian - and in companies, writing company histories and maintaining institutional archives. A strong research profile will also serve you well if you want to go on to work in museum studies and in libraries public or private/academic. As a historian, you will know not just where to find information, but what questions you have to ask to get to the answer of how to tackle, deconstruct, and solve a problem. This is relevant to almost any career path.

You will provide perspective. Historians react to current events in newspapers and online - not just on politics, but culture as well (my favorite article of this week is about the historicity of The Aeronauts). Historians act as expert witnesses in court proceedings. Historians write books, good books, not just meant for academic audiences but for millions upon millions of readers who need thoughtful, intelligent respite from the present. Historians work for thinktanks, providing policy analysis and development (a colleague of mine is an expert on current events of war in Mali and works for multiple thinktanks and organizations because of it). Historians work for nonprofits or lobbying groups on issues of poverty, environmental safety, climate change, and minority and indigenous rights. In a world when Texas school textbooks push the states’ rights narrative, historians remind us that the Civil War was about slavery. Historians remind us that women and people of color have always existed. In this time and world where STEM subjects are (supposedly) flooding the job market, we need careful historical perspective more than ever. We need useful reactions to the 2016 election, to the immigration travesties on display at the southern border, to the strengthening of right-wing parties in Europe - and history classes, or thoughtfully historical classes on philosophy and political science, are one of the few places STEM and business students gain the basic ability to participate in those conversations. [One of my brightest and most wonderful students from last year, just to provide an anecdote, is an astrophysics major who complained to me in a friendly conversation this semester that she never got the chance to talk about ‘deep’ things anymore once she had passed through our uni’s centralized general curriculum, which has a heavy focus on humanities subjects.]

You will be an educator. Teaching is a profession which has myriad challenges in and of itself, but in my experience of working with educators there is a desperate need for secondary-school teachers in particular to have actual content training in history as opposed to simply being pushed into classrooms with degrees which focus only on pedagogical technique. If teaching is a vocation you are actually interested in, getting a history degree is not a bad place to start at all. And elementary/high schools aside, you will be teaching someone something in every interaction you have concerning your subject of choice. Social media is a really important venue now for historians to get their work out into the world and correct misconceptions in the public sphere, and is a place where you can hone a public and instructive voice. You could also be involved in educational policy, assessment/test development (my husband’s field, with a PhD in History from NYU), or educational activism.

If some of this sounds kind of woolly and abstract, that’s because it is. Putting yourself out there on the job market is literally a marketing game, and it can feel really silly to take your experience of 'Two years of being a Teaching Assistant for European History 1500-1750’ and mutate it to 'Facilitated group discussions, evaluated written work from students [clients], and ran content training sessions on complex subjects.’ But this sort of translation is just another skill - one that can be learned, improved, and manipulated to whatever situation you need it to fit.

Will you make money? That’s a question only you can answer, because only you know what you think is enough money. That being said, many of the types of careers I’ve mentioned already are not low-paying; in my experience expertise is, if you find the right workplace and the rewarding path, usually pretty well-remunerated.

Specific advice? Hone your craft. Curate an active public presence as a historian, an expert, a patient teacher, and as as person enthusiastic about your subject. Read everything and anything. Acknowledge and insist upon complexity, and celebrate it when you can.

And finally - will any of what I’ve said here make it easy? No, because no job search and no university experience is easy these days. It’s a crazy world and there are a lot of awful companies, bosses, and projects out there. But I do very firmly believe that you can find something, somewhere, that will suit your skills, and, hopefully, your passions too.

Resources for you: the American Historical Association has a breakdown of their skills-based approach to the job market, reports on the job market(s) for history PhDs collectively called ‘Where Historians Work,’ and a mentorship program, Career Contacts, which could connect you with professional historians in various workplaces. There is a very active community of historians on Twitter; search for #twitterstorians. For historians who identify as female, Women Also Know History is a newer site which collates #herstorian bios and publications to make it easier for journalists to contact them for expert opinions. ImaginePhD provides career development tools and exercises for graduate students, but could probably be applied to undergrads as well. The Gilder Lehrman Institute is one of the premier nonprofits which develops and promotes historical training for secondary school teachers and classroom resources (U.S. history only). Job listings are available via the AHA, the National Council on Public History, and the IHE, as well as the usual job sites. And there’s an awful lot more out there, of course - anyone who reads or reblogs this post is welcome to add field-specific or resource-specific info.

I hope this helps, Anon, or at least provides you with a way to argue in favor of it to your parents if it comes to that. Chin up!

#replies #anon #history #academia #education #career diversity #grad school #Caz rambles

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