#i hate dealing with myself so much. i have to do it constantly every day. don't make me do it more

[milo-is-rambling]

Most of the time I think life is so so good and then I have one minuscule moment of pain again and it’s like nvm I need to die

[greentypewriters]

i wonder if i will ever be able to write anything i think is good

[sincerelybubbles]

pairing: spencer reid x reader

word count: 603

warnings: angst :(

part two

it wasn't meant to be this way.

when you and spencer started dating, the honeymoon phase dripped into day-to-day life and activities, an easy transition that left you comfortable, happy, and (as you're now noticing) incredibly vulnerable.

"you can't act like my job, my life and hobbies and interests, are less important than what you do," you say, voice wet with tears.

spencer, frustrated, drags his hands through his hair, making it stand up straight, "my job objectively is!" he counters, loud, annoyed.

"sure, i'll give you that. whatever, that's not the point and you know it."

"i don't! i don't know the point because you don't have one. you just don't want to end the argument and not be right. you're impossible."

"this! this is the point," you say, gesturing between the two of you. you're both upset: you're on the verge of tears, he's disheveled from pacing and messing with his hair.

and still, you love him. you sort of hate that you do - he's being a dick, he can't see how he's hurting you, and he won't make any effort to see your side of the argument. but you love him, so much that your belly hurts with it.

"you don't listen when i come to you with things that are bothering me," you say, reaching forward to grab his arm as if the physical contact might make your point come across better. you can see in his face that he's gearing up to say something else and interrupt him before he can say anything. "all i said was that i didn't feel like you prioritized me and my life and you're the one who made it into work and hobbies.

"i can't sit here and constantly feel inferior. i know your job is important, i know you're saving lives. i don't say anything when i don't see you for weeks at a time, i don't say anything when you have to leave the second the phone rings, and i certainly haven't ever said anything to indicate that i think I'm somehow more important than all of that.

"all i'm asking is that you don't make me sit here and wonder why you're suddenly not making the effort you've had no problem making for the past 3 years and i'm begging you to stop making me feel like i'm crazy when i come to you with this shit!"

"maybe you feel crazy because you're acting crazy, blowing something up into nothing," spencer says, shaking his head at you. he tugs his arm away, taking a step back. "i'm done with this. i can't, i'm too busy to deal with you right now."

"deal with me?" you ask, anger flashing hot in your chest and racing away any tears that might have been ready to fall. "i'm not an item to check off of your to-do list, spencer."

"i can't do this right now," he sighs, turning away and pushing his hands through his hair one last time. he hesitates, back to you and head hung low, before adjusting his watch and walking away.

stunned, you listen as your front door opens and then clicks shut. you wait for him to come back, transform into your sweet boyfriend who would do anything to make sure you're happy. the doting man who spent his time memorizing everything about you so every date would be perfect, who always made time for you despite his job, who made you feel heard and important.

but you stand there, alone, for several minutes without any sign of him. mind racing, you fight the urge to cry.

damn wtf i made myself sad. sorry! hope u enjoyed :)

[soracities]

since this seems like a place full of wise and whimsical people: i'm constantly seeing pleas online for young depressed people to remember that the freedom of adulthood and maturing into a fully realized person is infinitely better than adolescence (especially in the context of queerness which does make sense to me.) but i look at the actual real adults i know in my family and they're all constantly stressed by money, they wish they had chosen different things in life, they miss being taken care of as children, and honestly they're still really immature on some levels. i'm getting very close to leaving home and it seems like i'm missing most of the maturing experiences that other people get; it's never been logistically viable for me to have a job or a car, and i've never had to feed myself day by day. is there something i need to be doing now that will give me a genuinely freeing and fulfilling experience as an independent adult?

Every adult you meet (and you and your friends will be included in this), regardless of maturity level, is a former child in some regard; and as such how they act, respond, and cope with the world around them is a throwback to whatever they still carry from their childhood, or from the things that impacted them most in life, and whether or not they were able to adequately deal with them (and some do deal with them, and some refuse, and some are just in circumstances that make it difficult to even begin with).

I think what people mean when they say adulthood is better than adolescence is that the world get bigger, wider, and more interesting as you get older. It becomes less insular and all the things that preoccupy you most when you're 17 or 15 or that feel like the end of the world become diminished because you have a larger frame of reference for that world that goes beyond your school / friends / immediate family etc. It doesn't mean adulthood is not without difficulty, but simply that you won't be 17 forever. And as such you won't be stuck with all the things you hate about yourself at 17 forever either.

I don't know if there are any specific things you can do, because freeing and fulfilling mean different things to different people. There are some experiences / realisations you can only have when you are out on your own, true--but I also think maturity or maturing events are not necessarily only external ones, though those have an impact too: they come from getting to know yourself, facing your insecurities and flaws and limitations with unfiltered honesty and learning to understand these and work through them and learning to do the same with other people, too. Those external experiences can only go so far if you don't have the tools to fully apply what you learn from them.

In the end, the only thing I can really advise, if you have the time and the means, is to devote yourself to some kind of volunteering or community work. I think a great deal of growth comes out of the time you devote not so much to yourself but to others. It will also give you the opportunity to meet and learn from other people whom you may not have the chance to meet in your day-to-day school life. If you're really looking to broaden your experiences of the world around you, then this is one of the most important, in my view at least. Best of luck with it all, anon xx

[ineffectualdemon]

Hey if you can't stop being self deprecating because it hurts yourself do it because it hurts others

When you post a fic and leave a note saying "sorry it's so bad!" You have just insulted every reader who enjoyed it

When you say "god I'm so ugly" you just insulted the people who think you're pretty

When you say "I am so annoying and awful" you just insulted everyone who likes you and hangs out with you

Your self deprecation hurts everyone around you as well as you. It's telling them that you think they are wrong or stupid or have bad taste etc

And for friends who think you are prettier then insulting your appearance also says "if I'M ugly then YOU are hideous"

And I get it. It's so hard. I struggle with this daily

Do you know how many times a day I say I hate myself out loud?

This is something I am still constantly working on. I know it's a real struggle. Especially in real life where the compulsive need to degrade yourself verbally is really hard to overcome

(I try to push it into talking about how much I love my friends and family instead. That helps a little)

But when you're online you have the time to stop and delete the self deprecation before you post it. And you might even get to a point where you don't write it at all. With writing you have time to deal with that compulsion.

And you don't have to write praise for yourself either. Just practice not being mean about yourself online. Remind yourself that it hurts more than just you

[sykoangels]

Pslspslpslsls write a Logan howlett x ftm or male reader 🙏🏾🙏🏾 breeding kink….??

hi anon!! I have been playing to write this since I'm trans myself! (genderfluid afab) I'm pulling this out of my drafts so I hope you enjoy 🩷

Logan Howlett, there are many words to describe this man most people will call him egotistical a narcissist, and have a bit of a stuck-up bitch with anger issues. Some people might say he’s the most violent creature they have ever met, is some of that slightly true yes but do you care not because you’ve seen sides of him you thought he would never show anybody. It’s probably different because you guys have been friends for so long and that friendship turned into more later down in life. You and Logan have been knowing each other for years it almost felt like when you met him for the first time he was some attractive hothead with a smoking and drinking problem with some form of family issues.

And you were right when you first met him he was all of those things, but as you continue to talk, he was a vulnerable man dealing with his emotions in the worst possible way. You saw how much she was hurting and would comfort him every day even though he would hate it, but slowly he warmed up to you. Quite nice seeing him smile and giggle from time to time you guys kind of just kept each other company. He would also worry about you a lot. He swore to you that he would always protect you no matter what even if you and him weren’t talking anymore, he would go out of his way to protect you. Later on and your friendship you came out to him as transgender.

This was one of the most nerve-racking things you have done in a while, but it went surprisingly well. Logan didn’t care he still thought you were you. He was happy that you felt like you could tell him and ever since you told him he’s been doing everything in his power to make you feel comfortable. After that, your relationship continued to grow, but while it group platonically, it grew romantically. You and Logan would hook up occasionally kind of in the realm of no-strings-attached sex because you guys thought dating would ruin the friendship. As you guys continued to hook up you guys discovered that you had feelings for each other and wanted it more than just casual sex on the weekends you guys started dating and everything changed after that.

Logan was very protective over you and always had been and you always help Logan with several things around the house and also dressing his wounds, even though he doesn’t need to do that due to his regenerative healing, but he always found it cute that he would put little Band-Aids on his wounds. Overall, your relationship is flourishing, but there was something that was still ticking at you and it would always happen anytime you saw Logan even if he wasn’t talking about anything sexual racking thoughts in your head that He could breed me and I wouldn’t say anything about it or He could hold me down and breed me, and I wouldn’t even bat an eye. In some ways, you thought you were going crazy because no way in hell that was a normal thought especially when your said boyfriend is talking to you about a failed mission and all you can think about is him ripping off your clothes and breeding you till sundown.

In reality, you thought you were good at keeping this kind of secret to yourself. you wanted to tell Logan, of course, because he was your boyfriend and there was nothing wrong with experimenting sexually, but it was just the pure thought of it all and how it made you feel that freaked you out more than anything, especially for Logan’s reaction. having such a perverse thought, like this one that constantly racks her brain for days weeks, and months on end wasn’t healthy to keep in. After a while of trying to suppress this kind of fantasy, you just couldn’t anymore you would especially think about this type of topic if Logan was away for a little while. You would slip a finger inside your cunt and circle your sensitive cock dreaming about Logan’s cock filling you up like some make-shift Twinkie.

Logan wasn’t stupid. He knew something was up with you. At first, he thought you were just going through some things because he would be talking to you and it would just look like you weren’t paying attention. When he would try to get your attention, it was almost like you had seen a ghost. He had also noticed you were being weird around him kind of like lingering and looking at him when he would be doing normal tasks such as cooking, cleaning, and even smoking. He noticed that you would stare harder than usual when he would come out of the shower the type of stare where it felt like someone was burning into your skin. You noticed the lust and desire in your eyes constantly, but he wasn’t ready to give in to whatever fantasy you were playing out in your head. He wanted you to work for it or at least come clean him about it. He knew just the perfect time on when you might confess he just wanted to give you a little push.

The air was thick with the scent of stale cigarettes and whiskey as Logan stumbled through the door, his combat boots heavy on the old wooden floor. The room was dimly lit, casting long shadows across his rugged features. He tossed his keys onto the table, not bothering to look at me as he made his way towards the kitchen. "Hey," you called out, my voice hesitant yet tingling with anticipation. "Rough day?" Logan grunted in response, pulling a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet. He didn't offer you any, which was typical. This night could either go two ways and you hoped it was the first option. "You want to talk about it?" I asked, leaning against the doorway, watching him pour himself a generous amount. "Nah," he muttered, taking a long swig. His eyes met mine briefly, dark and intense, before he looked away. "Just need to relax "You nodded, understanding more than he realized. "Well, let me help you with that." Without waiting for a response, I stepped closer, reaching up to unbutton his shirt. He didn’t stop me, his gaze now fixed on my hands as they worked slowly, revealing the hard lines of his chest. Each button undone felt like a small victory, a step closer to the edge you were both teetering on.

You always know how to make things better," Logan murmured, his voice rough with desire. You smirked feeling the heat rise in my face staring into his eyes. "That’s what friends are for, right?" He shot you a dirty look slightly annoyed, setting his glass down. "Isn’t that what we are? Friends?" Before you could answer, his hands were on you, pulling you close. Your bodies pressed together, the heat between the two of you palpable. His lips found yours, hungry and demanding, erasing any doubt about what we meant to each other. "Logan..." you gasped as he broke the kiss, trailing his mouth down my neck. “We’re just friends my fucking ass” he whispered, his fingers deftly undoing his belt. "no friend is gonna pleasure you like I do bub.” Your chest heaved with each rapid breath, your eyes locked onto his. "I want you. Right now." He grinned, a wicked glint in his eye. "What exactly do you want, my prince" Your voice caught in your throat, the words you wanted to say tingling at the tip of your tongue. "I... I want you to bend me over and breed me. P-please, fill my cunt until you can’t fill it anymore.” Logan's grin widened, his eyes darkening with lust. "Is that so?" he murmured, his fingers trailing down your neck, across your chest, and lower still, until they reached the waistband of your jeans. "Show me then. Show me how much you want it."

With trembling hands, you undid your belt, unzipped your jeans, and pushed them down along with your boxers, exposing your eager, throbbing cock. Logan's eyes flicked down, taking in the sight, and he gave a low whistle. "Fuck, you look good like that," he praised, his fingers circling your erection, stroking gently. You gasped, leaning your head back against the wall, your body arching into his touch. "ah fuck Logan," you whined, your voice hoarse with need. "Please, baby.” He chuckled, the sound deep and resonant. "Oh, but I thought we were just friends bub. Now you are begging your friend for his cock? How much of a dirty whore are you huh? Why don’t you learn some patience mhm? But his actions belied his words. With one swift motion, he lifted you, wrapping your legs around his waist. You cried out as he slammed into you, the sensation overwhelming, primal. Logan pinned you against the wall, his thrusts deep and relentless, each one pushing you closer to the edge. "That's it," he growled, his face buried in the crook of your neck, his teeth nipping at your skin. "Take it. Take every inch of my fat cock.”

You clung to him, your fingers digging into his shoulders, your body rocking with each powerful thrust. The world around you dissolved into a haze of pleasure, the only reality being Logan and the fierce, unyielding rhythm of his hips. "Logan, I'm... I'm close," you panted, your vision blurring with the force of your impending climax. He pulled back, his eyes fierce and commanding. "Then come for me, bub. Let me see you fall apart." That was all it took. With a strangled cry, you came, your release washing over you in waves, your body convulsing around Logan's pulsing cock. He followed soon after, his own climax hitting him hard, his seed filling you completely, sealing your mutual satisfaction. For a moment, there was only the sound of your ragged breathing and the pounding of your hearts, both of you lost in the aftermath of your passionate encounter. You could feel Logan’s warm seed slowly spilling out of your cunt. It felt so good and oddly comforting having your greatest slutty fantasy come true. Logan looks down at you with a smirk before speaking

“Oh bub I’m not finished with you I think there is enough space in that cunt of yours for more of cum. Why don’t you let me fix that for you my cock drunk baby boy.”

Logan says brushing hair out your face making sure he can see you. You look up at him with a faint smile nodding your head as well. Who would say no too Logan breeding you like a slut?

Absolutely nobody.

[brotherwtf]

firefighter John and detective Gale are infiltrating the brain again so have some hcs about them being silly

Once they start living together they start acting like an old married couple, nagging on each other about working too much or getting hurt or anything really

Gale will try to convince John to not run headfirst into danger all of the time, John will try to convince Gale not to work long hours working on a case and they just constantly butt heads about the danger of their lines of work

John takes up so much space in their bed, basically just starfishes the entire night and Gale has to shove him over every night lest he fall off of the bed

Gale always leaves the house first but John likes to come pick him up from work, likes to honk the horn obnoxiously and wolf whistle when Gale walks out of the precinct (Gale will roll his eyes but he loves it nonetheless)

Gale likes to visit John on his lunch break just to chat, at first it was bcs Croz kicked him out so he wouldn't work on cases during his break but it became a habit to just catch up with John during lunch (he's a micro celebrity at the fire department bcs he's there every day)

John likes to pick Gale up and move him wherever he wants, if Gale is standing in the way of something he'll just grab him by the waist and hoist him out of the way. Gale hated it at first but then becomes endeared by how easily John can just pick him up whenever he wants to

Once, Gale was working far too much on a case and maybe Croz called John to come deal with him, cut to John banging into the police precinct and literally throwing Gale over his shoulder and dragging him home, Gale kicking and screaming the whole time

I'm also chuckling to myself thinking about John getting a little hurt, maybe bruises or small cuts, and being forced to sit in the fire department and maybe Rosie texted Gale and maybe he ran to the fire department as fast as he could and just scolds John while doctoring him up (Rosie offered to do it but the look Gale gave him almost knocked him dead)

omfg imagining Gale interrogating someone and John may have snuck in and he just gets the most massive boner while watching him Jesus

alternatively imagining John walking back to the fire department where Gale has been waiting for him all sweaty and scuffed up and Gale being all "oh no you're hurt (I am insanely turned on right now)"

eye candy bcs I always want an excuse to show off my pretty pictures ☺️

Lord domestic clegan makes me so darn giddy I love them. lmk if y'all have more hcs for domestic firefighter John and detective Gale! honestly this is becoming one of my most beloved aus lmao

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Lunar's mental health. An update.

TW: bad mental health, EDs, depression, s/h, personal stuff, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, vent, self hate, heavy topics.

Sorry I haven't been posting!!

An update on me.

...Hi, you might know me as Lunar, or, TheLunarSystemWrites! I'm just an artist on here, trying to do things I like.... right?

Well, unfortunately, real life doesn't really... care. It doesn't care if I have friends to talk to, art to make, things I like to do.

I've been exhausted, physically and mentally. I've been busy working a lot in our home. (Painting, building, packing, inside work, cooking, etc) and it's always stressful... we're starting to get a little tight on money.

I've spent majority of my time in my bed. I don't wanna face my family members, so I've hidden away. It's hard to get up every day, and try to find the will to take care of myself.

I also recently relapsed with Bulimia, a disorder that, essentially means I throw up whatever I eat. I've been purging since September 16th, 2022. But I had awhile where I only purged once a day or none, but I'm back at it with full force. So my body doesn't have any energy left. I've also now lost my periods do to it.

I don't sleep well. It's much easier to stay up all night than waste my only free time sleeping. So I have no energy from sleeping well unless I sleep a whole day away, which makes me groggy.

Self harm is also something bothering me too, I'm too tired to do it and yet I keep doing it. Wasting precious spoons on it, I literally can't be clean for a whole year this year, that dream is dead. But, I am a few days clean as I type!

Suicidal and intrusive thoughts have been.... pesky. But I can't just leave my friends, plus I have prizes to make.

But, I'm unmotivated. I can't seem to write or draw anything. All my art is looking... regressed, to me. Everything is repetitive.

I've hated myself now more than ever in my life, I'm in a pretty bad place and I hate how self aware I am.

SPEAKING of regression! I have like, regression block. My brain isn't working with me, isn't regressing unless Involuntary. So my main coping mechanism is.... out of order.

I've been angry at the world, really pissy and moody. Tired, hungry, sad, then happy but not much. Numbness is a huge factor, I'm feeling depressed.

Not to mention, there's drama everywhere I look. This creator gets bullied, that one turns out to be disgusting. People get doxxed over opinions... it's constantly anxiety that I'll be wrongly accused, ridiculed, or abandoned. It's terrifying that people will go at each other's throats. It's exhausting to deal with it and be dragged into drama with problematic people.

Every day has been the same for me for the past 3 years. I'm tired, bored, understimulation controls me.

My friends are my lifeline right now.

I feel uncomfortable in my own body all the time, unsatisfied with my art, everything is essentially falling apart in my life.

Depression, anxiety... not a good mix to wake up disoriented and anxious, then gave zero spoons throughout the day. I'm not in a good home situation right now.

So... I kinda just... haven't been posting, role-playing, answering DMs, answering asks, etc...

I'm burnt out.

I feel like I'm a walking corpse.

Useless even.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I barely have the energy to talk to friends, every little bad things sets me back. I just can't bring myself to really engage much anymore.

So... sorry. I'm sorry, if I wasted your time. Or if this isn't like what you wanted to hear. I'm just not okay anymore, April was the last good month I had this year. APRIL.

I just wanted to update you all, there's a lot of other stuff I didn't share because it's nit important. I swear I'll get to the prizes eventually, I just ain't up to it right now. Might not be for awhile, apologies in advance!!

Hope you guys can understand, I might or might not be back to doing art, who knows. But I'll definitely get things done before that if I ever stopped. It just doesn't bring me joy, I used to hope I'd make an AU people cares about, and I've barely achieved that ^^"

Hope you're all well!! Stay safe, take care!! Remember to hydrate and to try eating if you can, you're spectacular!!!

Daily clicks!! ^^

Previous pinned post.

[bae04xx]

Omg would you write a yandere tsukasa x reader please

i’m actually bare sorry i never check tumblr and when i saw this i was sooo excited so i hope you like it xx

this has not been proof read and i cba sorry

as the winter closed in, there was a chilling presence in the air. i stepped back into the school, noticing the frost that had settled gently against the glass panes of the windows, i tugged my woollen hat down my head further in order to keep the heat in. while strolling through the barren halls i took notice of the oddly quiet atmosphere, sure it had been an hour or so since school ended but usually i could hear some clubs closing up, or at least hanako and yashiro. i made a mental notice of the abnormality, but continued my way to the broadcasting room.

i wonder to myself if i took too long, i had tried to be on time, considering i had to be finished with my homework in an hour- despite being forced to deal with a whole weeks worth in such a small amount of time i was expected to do it all. thanks to tsukasa. according to him if i spaced it out evenly i did it in small parts every day that was “too much time wasted that i could be spent with him” although he’s happy with putting my education on the line…

well at least that’s the only thing he’s endangering- id it were up to him i’d be 6 feet under, my ghost being tormented by his antics constantly.

but like i was going allow that, i’d been firm with him since the day i met him, no matter what happens between us- i am not bound to him and i am not dying for him. sure i loved him..

i loved him more than anything. even if i acted like i hated him, and he got on my nerves like mad, and he was a terrible person, i still loved him. and he loved me. he made it very obvious what he wanted out of me- for me to belong to him. tsukasa was very possessive, especially if he owned an object, but even if it wasn’t his- he would do anything to keep it. and that’s what i hated, i am not an object and i am not something to be kept, or protected; i don’t belong to anyone! his whole ideology goes against everything i stand for, but he just doesn’t listen.

it’s constant affection, constant attention, constant interrogations, he has to know where i am, what i’m doing, who i’m with always. but i’m not a child, fucks sake i am my own person. yet he’s always going on at me how i need to be bound to him, he’ll give me whatever i want as long as i belong to him, he can kill me and we’ll be together forever, i’ll be his princess. but i want to live. i want to make a life for myself, make my family proud, have my own family one day. but yet i love him with every atom in my being..

gosh life is confusing, why can’t it just be simple? i doubt anyone else has these problems.

i stopped dead in my tracks, as i heard hanako’s boyish laugh, my eyebrows knitted as i realised i missed the last flight of stairs, too absorbed in my own thoughts.

“y/n? what’re you doing down here?” i heard him call over from the toilets, of he knew i was here.

“y/n? hey!” yashiro rushed towards me and brought me into a soft hug, she was very warm, the complete opposite to my shivering form.

“hanako- she’s freezing!”

“what’re you doing here? aren’t you meant to be with tsukasa already?” he questioned, ignoring yashiro’s worries in order for his question to be answered.

“i’m fine,” i sighed, “i’m not meant to be anywhere, we aren’t bound.” i stated calmly as he chuckled.

“aren’t bound but you’re wrapped around his finger aren’t you?” he said, his cheeky smile adorning his face.

i huffed, preparing myself reply to his quip before i was interrupted by a cold, ghostly figuring wrapping itself around my back.

“y/n! what’re you doing here? you were meant to be in the broadcasting room ages ago!” he whined in my ear, his grip around my waist tightening, his sinister grip on my contrasted against his childish words.

“amane! i see you found y/n!” his face brightened as he saw his brother, while hanako stood his ground, yet uncomfortably. yashiro backed away from me towards him.

“she found me, i’m guessing looking for you,” he said coldly, as tsukasa craned his neck.

“well she was going the wrong way! c’mon y/n, i’ve got some much stuff to show you!” he smiled, grabbing my hand and leading the way, i sent a weary glance to yashiro, who just stood still, unsure of what to do.

…

“why were you there.” there was a bite in this voice, it was just me and him in the far part of the room, closed off from the 2 other members.

“i don’t know, i was just wondering and was thinking about some… stuff and didn’t even have where i was going on my mind,” i spoke softly, noticing his tense tone and his blank face- he exhibited no emotion.

“i’m not looking for excuses.” he spoke, his dark eyes barring holes into my e/c ones.

“i was on my way to you tsukasa, i promise,” i tried to reason with him, evidently hating the atmosphere.

“when how did you get there y/n, how did to get to amane when you were on your way to the basement?”

“i.. don’t know. i’m just stressed, ok? i’ve got a lot on my mind right now,” i was so close to giving up, walking out of this stupid club and going home to get the first good nights sleep i would get in months. he has me constantly cooped up here until the late evenings. just because he “can’t dread the afterlife with out me.”

“you’re not going home anymore.” he stated, his face still unchanged as mine blew up before him.

“i need to do my homework- my parents will kill me tsukasa! i can’t do this to myself, i need to finish my studies, i can’t always be here with you! my education matters, i put up with you all in my face while i am meant to be learning, set aside my home work to be with you, walk home in the dark all on my own and get god knows how many hours of sleep all for you!” i screamed, i was tired, and the bags under my eyes said that for me. just as i stood up to leave and turned my back on him, he grabbed me from behind.

“you won’t have to worry about any of that anymore, now be a good girl and sit back down for me,” i heard him whisper in my ear, as i tried to break out of his grip i left something sharp and cold appear next to my neck.

he had a knife against my throat.

“now are you going to listen to me?” he grinned.

i silently sat opposite to him, as we had been previously, he could feel the fear aching off me, he was basking in this work, his face staring lovingly yet proudly at my trembling body.

“you really should’ve told me this sooner,” he sighed, playing with the silver knife, spinning it between his fingers.

i said nothing, unsure of what would be the right response.

“are you gonna reply or just sit there shaking like a leaf?” he giggled, before he patted his lap, indicating for me to sit.

i slowly get steadily sat on his lap, as he cuddled into me, taking a deep breathe from his noise while his hands were feeling every inch of me.

“i’m going to miss you being so warm,” he said to himself, i shiver went down my spine.

“what.. do you mean?” my voice was so quiet, i couldn’t manage to speak above a whisper’s volume.

“i’m doing you a favour, i’m going to take away all these bad feelings from my baby, how does that sound?” he teased me with his fingers, sensually moving them against my thighs, i melted into his touch.

“yeah.. that sounds good,”

“so, you want me to take all these bad feelings away from you? no matter what the consequences are?”

“mhm..” i mumbled, too tired and my feelings being all over the place to speak.

“i’m gonna need a yes y/n,” he chuckled.

“yes tsukasa,” i said wearily, before i felt it.

his knife went through my heart, i sprung up as a i felt an animalistic scream emerge from my throat. as the blood spewed out of my i felt my lover’s chest rising to the beat of his uncontrollable laughter. i watched as he floated above me, his hands gripping my cheeks as he giggled and stared at his masterpiece, i felt my body dying and the blood rushing around me- only to leave me. my eyes slowly started drooping, until all i saw was black, and i felt myself slip away, finally at peace.

“y/n! you’re finally awake! gosh, you couldn’t of taken longer, could ya?”

“wh-what’s going on? i thought i was dead..”

“sakura! she’s awake! y/n is finally awake!”

“very nice tsukasa.”

“you’re finally mine, all mine. we can be together forever now!” he giggled, before planting a kiss on my forehead.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Erm so I. Accidentally started ranting. Oopsies

I think it's silly to draw Killers soul in a constant target shape in erm found family kinda trope. Yk. When everyone gets along and is happy and they also jokingly bully Killer and excessive amount. And Killers in stage 2 through all of it. How honest is Killer truly being?

And also (going off track) why does he get bullied an excessive amount, because I see no love coming from that,, to like jokingly shit on someone, yeah, sure I understand, people do that, it can be funny, but it's just.... so much..... like. Killer can't even breathe without being shit on. Maybe saying he's getting shit on is not the best way to word it but,,,,,,, anyways Killer gets bullied so much I don't even. I can't even see it as funny anymore. He gets bullied, and no affection given, and it's even more deprivating seeing how the others who surround him, the group he's supposedly a part of, is all love and affection and they obviously share affection and all 'at

And then there's Killer. Only there to mess things up and harass everyone. He talks too much, and when getting ignored he starts talking about sensitive topics for something to come out of the other. Just something to say he's real, something to show he's somehow still a part of whatever this is. He's not treated as an outside, but he sure as hell ain't being treated as someone that matters. It shouldn't bother him though. The treatment isn't new, he's used to this, he's fine. He shouldn't be petty about not getting a lil affection

Killers literally so hated that the version of horror that's so desperate to keep everyone healthy and to not let anyone starve, literally leaves Killer to starve for a day. Sighs idk I'm just not dealing with Killer constantly getting bullied all the time,,,, it's funny every now and then but Jesus it's so excessive I can't even— anyways I have no solution for this because the best situation is to leave the ones hurting you but. Sighsssssssss

I'm just. Stopping myself here, imma go eat

No, i completely understand you, anon. I used to also be a target of excessive bullying (both in school and in my family unit), so that shit doesn’t appeal to me. It’s not funny or cute, especially when it’s done to a character whose use that type of treatment and far worse, and keeps seeing examples of what the dynamic should and could be, but for some reason he’s not allowed to experience that??

I also hate it when in Bad Sans Family dynamics they treat Killer like he’s an idiot or an annoying child, always messing things up and everyone just fucking hates him for some reason despite claiming not to??

In my mind, if Killer is excessively in Stage 2 during these types of dynamics, then his ass is just playing along. They treat him like shit despite claiming to care or be family or be friends, no different than what Chara did, there’s no way he’d allow himself to be in Stage 1 around them. He can’t trust them not to fuck him up anymore than he already is.

And Stage 1 is excessively a lot more emotionally fragile and sensitive than he is in Stage 2. Killer doesn’t need bullying and degrading comments when he’s in such a vulnerable, fragile state. That’s not a sign of love or affection for Stage 1.

A lot of people don’t seem to understand that Killer is a victim of awful, prolonged abuse and torture—he’s not just a violent stupid serial killer, he is a victim of forced perpetration. He is not going to react to these things like Horror or Murder would.

In fact, even with a Bad Sans Family, his circumstances still mirror the one he had with Chara—killing people, hurting people, doing it with people who claim to be friends or family, even all those violent bloody fights people portray Killer and Murder having is no different than what likely happened with Chara.

Stage 1 is not going to be stabbing people to show affection or licking blood off knives or doing anything that he does in Stage 2. Because that is a version of Killer that is more Sans-like, you know, a Sans that never wanted any of this. A version of Sans who is constantly filled with overwhelming fear, guilt, shame, pain, longing for his home and his brother. Who is still out there, looking for him.

It reminds me of a quote a came across, but can’t quite remember. Something about how a girl wakes up in her bed in a house, screaming and crying about how she wants to go home—but the speaker and the family is confused, because she already is home.

[obeyme-lost-thought]

Angst: MC come back

Most of people show an aspect of MC that is different towards the brothers after coming back.... I show an MC that is broken and ask Lucifer for help. Sort of a general spoiler of Nightbringer

A little of Mc×Lucifer

________________________________

It passed some days form when MC returned to the present. All the while they never managed to utter a word. That's why Lucifer decided to get to the bottom of MC's feelings.

As he slowly enters the room, he finds the little human looking up at the tree that stands in the center of the room. They have a lost gaze, accentuated by dark circles under their eyes.

Lucifer: "MC, how are you? It's been more than 3 days since you locked yourself in this room. You need to have a full meal."

...

No respons

Lucifer: "Please talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind."

...

Mc: "I... am tired. When will all this end? When will I be able to stop worrying if this is really my room? What will I find if I go out?"

"I fought so hard to help you sort out your family dynamics. Now that I had done it, I thought we could enjoy this peace. Yet I found myself in the past."

"You were cold again towards me; Mammon didn't involve me in his plans; Levi was shy and avoided me; Satan... how could I deal with him?; Asmo could not look at himself in the mirror; Beel didn't know how to deal with this constant feeling of hunger, and Belphie still hated humans"

"It was you, but you weren't my family! Maybe it's just me, but I can't help but consider you my family. I just want to be with you, no worries or problems."

"You know how hard it was to wake up every day and keep from hugging you? I missed the good mornings and goodnights given on our chat. In the afternoon I didn't know what to do, having no homework to do. I'm serious Lucifer, I missed homework!. I also missed gaming nights with Levi or piano sessions with you. I missed the loud silence of the livingroom while watching DDD by the fireplace. I missed the impromptu dinners because others always showed up and we never had enough to eat"

"The others… You know how hard it was having to remember to be more formal with Diavolo? He also said for a long time that he had to send me back to the human realm. What was I supposed to do centuries or millennia in the past ?! Luckily Barbatos was inclined to let me stay. Besides, he couldn't stand Solomon. What the heck had he been up to at the time. But in the end I missed the afternoons spent at the castle talking of this and that over a cup of tea"

"Not even with Simeon and Luke was the same. I didn't help Luke in the kitchen and Simeno didn't ask me for advice on how to use the DDD. Only Salomon was a fixed point in all that chaos, but it wasn't like here in the present."

"I'm tired Lucifer. I was tired of fighting, I just wanted to come home here with you. And I'm worn out even now by this perpetual fear that it's not finished. That if I leave here I will be your "DevilSitter" and not just MC"

"Please.. Tell me it's all over. Tell me I can rest. Tell me that you are my family and that you love me"

As the human began to cry aloud, the Avatar of Pride could do nothing but embrace them. His mighty wings came out to wrap around their fragile bodies as much as possible.

Lucifer: "It is all right. You're at home Mc."

"If you go out you will find Mammon who is looking at the DDD sitting on the floor in front of your door; Leviathan in his room refusing to leave until you do too and checking your team games online to see if you are logged in; Satan is sitting on the couch in the living room near your favorite seat; Asmo is preparing a skin treatment for when you get out of here; Beel tries not to eat all the meals he has made for you these days; Belphie is sleeping next to Mammon on the floor, waiting for you. "

"Even Lord Diavolk comes constantly to find out how you are. If he can't come, call and send Barbatos. Then this one is working day and night to find out who did this to you. Luke cries every day in front of your door begging you to come out. Have you ever heard him? Simeon should console him, except that he stands at the door of the corridor praying that Luke's requests are heard. Solomon he said at the beginning that we had to give you time to get used to it, but now he too is starting to worry.

"And I'm here for you MC. I'm here for whatever you need. You're done dealing with us, now it's our turn. You just have to go out and get pampered."

"You are home MC, with your family"

________________________________

Little but sad. Lucifer big brother/mom

[thetriplets3]

hi i have a request 😁

a slow dancing in a parking lot vibe

❝𝐬𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞❞

warnings: swearing, shitty bf saying shitty things

shoutout to @emmssturniolo for editing go show her some love

matt and i have known each other for years before we started dating. he’s been there for all my shitty boyfriends who left me feeling like i wasn’t worthy of love and questioning if they loved me the way i loved them. matt knew all the cliché things i always wanted to do, but my exes refused saying i was embarrassing them.

i made my way through the dark parking lot, my head constantly checking around me to make sure no one was following me. i hate walking alone in the dark; it’s so much easier for things to hide i don’t feel safe. i make it Jake’s mom’s 2000 Toyota Echo and i can already hear the obnoxiously loud music playing on the radio. i know he knows i don’t like loud music or noise in small spaces, he chooses to do it anyway. opening my door and sitting in my seat, i cringe at the volume, reaching to turn the volume down to a bearable level.

“don’t touch the fucking volume” he snaps as he turns it back up.

slinking myself further into the seat, i roll my eyes at his behavior. the next song starts, and i can’t help but let a little gasp out.

“i love this song! let’s dance!” i suggest, excitement evident in my voice.

“stop with that shit; i’m not doing that with you; it’s embarrassing” he spits, turning the car engine on and driving out of the lot.

i’m used to it. it’s always the same thing every time i wanna do something “coupley” he refuses saying he won’t do it with me it’s embarrassing. i always had this idea of a fairytale relationship and this was far from it. i couldn’t deal with him anymore today; he was constantly shutting me down, dismissing me, or being snapping at me.

“can you drop me off at nick’s please?” i quietly ask, scared of his response

without a word, he turns onto the triplets street, stopping the car in front of their house. “get out” bitterness filling his voice. slamming the car door on my way out i storm up their driveway, filled with emotion. i turn around, raising both my arms in the air, and flip him off, finishing it with “fuck you jake” as loud as i can. the boys have always told me i don’t need to knock but i do except for today, i just needed to see someone who wasn’t jake. that someone was matt.

matt patiently listened to me rant about how shitty jake made me feel and ask what i did wrong.

matt knows me better than anyone. i feel stupid for not seeing it sooner; it would have saved me from a lot of heartbreaking relationships. on days i don’t feel well he stops what he’s doing to come be with me, stopping at the store to get my favorite things to cheer me up. whether a day is the worst day of my life, the best day of my life, or just a normal day, he’s there with my favorite flowers. knowing how much i love them he’ll find any excuse to get me them just to see the smile on my face. i never had to remind him of things; he knows me inside out; what music i listen to (he even has a playlist of all my favorite songs); he can sense when i’m getting overwhelmed and want to get away from whatever it is that we’re doing; he knows that i find his hand cradling my head during a hug to be grounding; he listens like actually listens; his eyes are so intently watching and hanging on to every word.

i always felt like i had to remind my exes to love me, but with matt he was the one reminding me i’m loved. he did everything no one else cared to do and he paid attention to things most people ignored. everything he does melts my heart because i’ve never been treated like this. like i deserve.

today was one of those days where everything just feels off and you can’t pinpoint why. facetiming matt in the morning, he seemed to have noticed i wasn’t my normal self. bringing it up in the most gentle way he suggested going for a drive.

“is everything okay sweetheart? you don’t need to explain, i just want to know if you’re okay. how about we go for a drive later tonight? clear your head. let me bare some of the weight from your shoulders” the love and tenderness in his voice is all the confirmation i’ll ever need.

sitting on the old wooden bench by the front door, i slip my socks and shoes on just as matt knocks on the door. opening the door i collapse into his arms before he takes my hand and walks me to his car. planting a soft kiss to the back of my hand before dropping it to open my door.

“my love” he says with a little bow, making me giggle.

our linked hands lie on the center console, matt’s thumb mindlessly rubbing the back of my hand. the smallest gestures make me feel so loved. tonight’s destination of choice was the empty parking lot of a frozen yogurt shop. our first date. our deep conversations are always my favorite, he’s so emotionally intelligent i love listening to him voice his thoughts, opinions, and advice. to lighten the mood after those deep talks he softly plays music. immediately i recognize the song, a smile toying at my lips.

“i-” my voice trails off, remembering what happened every time i mentioned a song and how some made me wanna dance.

“what? go on” he urges me to continue, turning his body in his seat to face me giving me his full attention.

another thing i love about matt is his patience. he knows i tend to bite my tongue when it comes to sharing my opinions because i was afraid of the response i’d get, so he encourages me to continue, in turn reassuring me that my thoughts and opinions are valid.

“i love this song it’s so beautiful” i say

without a word, matt gets out of the car and walks around the car, leaving me confused until my door opens and matt’s there with his hand out for me to grab hold of.

“may i have this dance, pretty girl?” he asks, letting a laugh slip through his serious façade.

“i’d love to” i whisper.

letting go of my hand for a second he reaches into the car and turns the volume up just loud enough for us to hear it. i smile to myself at his thoughtful gesture, making sure i was out of the car before turning the volume up. no one’s ever taken so much consideration to make sure i’m comfortable like he does.

my thoughts are interrupted by matt circling his arms around my waist, instantly my hands finding their home at the nape of his neck and in his hand. pulling me closer to him, i rest my head on his shoulder, the smell of his cologne bringing me even more comfort. our bodies sway to the music enjoying this moment.

matt gently pushes my body away from his and raises our joined hands, ready to twirl me. it wasn’t the most graceful twirl ever, filled with giggles at my lack of dancing skills. as i turn back to face matt i let go of his hand and wrap both my hands at the nape of his neck mindlessly playing with his hair. our eyes are locked on each other, having a conversation of their own. with watery eyes and a big smile, i’ve never felt so loved. he has done everything and more than anyone else has and he never lets me forget how much he loves me.

matt rests his forehead against mine, eyes starting into mine. softly, he whispers the lyrics to me, never breaking eye contact

❝𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞❞

a few tears escape my eyes. this isn’t his type of music at all yet he’s made the effort to listen to it and remember the words knowing how much i love this song. no one will ever love me more than matt, he’s it for me, he’s all i’ve ever needed.

“i love you thank you for showing me what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. i can’t wait for a lifetime of being loved by you” i gush.

“loving you was never something i had to think about; it’s just natural. how can anyone look at you and not see that you deserve every star in the universe? you shine so brightly that i can’t believe people made you feel like you should hide that light. you are worthy of love and i’m happy i get to be the one to show you. i love you sweet girl. i’ll love you for a lifetime and every one after that. you’re the sun to me” he confesses, placing a loving tender kiss on my lips.

taglist: @antisocialties @iluvmatt @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans @opheliaofficial07 @angelcake-222 @oneirophobic @strniolo @lollibumblebee @ssturniolo @20nugs @abbie13sworld

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji has helped me in so many ways. I will forever be grateful for the creation of this character. He quite literally means the world to me right now.

(TW: ED/Depression/Suicide attempt mention)

I've always struggled with food. Well, not always. But at the end of middle school (more or less. Give or take. Age 12/13) I became obsessed with what I ate. I still don't know exactly how it started, but I think it has always been a mix of my need to control my life when it's crumbling down and the necessity to look skinny (both things are my mother's fault, mostly. And also lots of things going on at the moment). So I started skipping meals constantly and throwing away food and throwing up. Not gonna get into details, but it ruined my life without anybody knowing until a huge depressive episode came and then I tried to off myself, yadda yadda yadda. Then I just stopped eating food and my meals every day were basically a monster and gum and maybe a piece of fruit. I couldn't even drink milk without crying. Then it got a bit better. Then a bit worse. It wasn't very consistent. And then I started doing exercise but that only made me even more obsessed with calorie intake and healthy food and I still can't drink milk or bread without at least feeling awful about it.

And then I watched One Piece.

I know it sounds extremely silly and dumb, but it has helped me in so many ways. I'm not gonna get into all the things it has done for me, because then I'd have to talk about Robin, Nami, Luffy, Pudding and Buggy which are, like, the characters that have helped me the most next to Sanji, and I would not finish this post.

But Sanji is just so, so important to me.

He speaks about food with such passion. His whole thing about not wasting food literally comes from an experience of starvation and because of the sacrifice his father made for him. He keeps saying he refuses to let people go hungry, no matter what. That we all deserve to eat. He relates food to love and cooking is his whole life. It kind of started as a joke when my brother said "nooo, now you can't waste food because Sanji would be sad" and I- That day I literally ate wayyy more than usual with that thought in mind. And I didn't feel bad afterward for once. And he's just- He just makes me feel so comfortable around food. Which is the normal amount of comfort somebody should have and sometimes it's not even that, but it helps. It helps so much.

Then his whole thing with Germa and the Vinsmokes. It killed me. My relationship with my mother is, uh, you can call it complicated but I fucking hate her so. Yeah. And Sanji's story about rejecting his blood relatives and finding better people who will love him hit so close to home. Him being different. Weak. More emotional. A good person. Sanji refusing to use the name Vinsmoke. It's my whole life. Sanji self-sabotaging himself all the time and constantly sacrificing himself, too? I just can't do it, man, he means the world to me. And then Wano happens and he turns out to have the same body as his siblings but he's still himself. He's still Sanji no matter how much in common he has with the Vinsmokes. And as somebody who's constantly dealing with people telling them that they look like their mom? I fucking love it. I know I look like her and I even act like her sometimes but that doesn't mean I am her. And it doesn't mean she deserves to be part of my family, because she isn't and I can't wait to get rid of her in my life.

It's not only food and family, though. Sanji has helped me accept myself in so many ways too. In the way I perceive others and in the way I act. He has helped me eat. He has helped me realize you don't have to consider your blood relatives family if you don't love them. He has helped me see that my kindness is a strength and not a weak spot.

Not to mention that his whole thing with gender and sexuality, how the fandom portrays him, and how I personally write him has been of so much help in understanding myself. I recently discovered I was a lesbian, and also being genderfluid I just- I just love Sanji so much I be projecting my gender issues and internalized stuff with comphet on him. And let me tell you, it helps.

This whole thing is just something short and sweet I wanted to say because media affects people. In the best of ways. One Piece in general has saved my life in many ways, but Sanji in particular is still helping me every day.

[fnaffancontentbutmostlyglamrocks]

This is primarily aimed at Security Breach fans in particular, not FNAF fans as a whole.

You all are so damn toxic sometimes.

Even worse is that people are just being mean to Monty fans right now

"Don’t get all angry because your favorite wasn't in the game," and I don't think they get that he’s the ONLY one not to be in the game.

I hate being a fan of Monty cause we had to deal with the Glamrock Bonnie fans harassing anything to do with Monty on Tiktok or Twitter. "MONTY KILLED BONNIE!"

FOR FUCK SAKES THIS SERIES HAS A LITERAL CHILD SERIAL KILLER WHO ABUSED HIS CHILDREN! WHY IS THE ANIMATRONIC ALLIGATOR WHO MIGHT. LET ME REPEAT THAT. MIGHT HAVE KILLED ANOTHER ANIMATRONIC MET WITH THE SAME ENERGY AS SAYING SOMEONE SIMPS FOR DAHMER?

Not only that, Monty fans have been playing each game hoping Steelwool will treat him better. Expand on his character a bit more. Instead his negative personality traits and "evilness" being played up more and more cause Steelwool and Scott saw some people hate him, and thought it wasn't enough.

In Ruin there's not one moment Cassie shows any concern for him. It's that Monty thing, it hurts to look at. Than they made him just the worst off of the trio, and fucking killed him.

Now even in a game he rightfully should appear in. He's the ONLY one cut.

Monty fans get the short end of the stick.

We are harrassed by fans

Our boy is treated worse and worse each game. Physically, mentally, and even in narrative.

Now, he’s just fucking gone with little fanfare.

Its like why are you obsessed?

Honestly, because Monty speaks to me. This is mostly head canon, but based on how he acts.

I used to have really bad anger issues in elemantary and middle school. Even worse, I had to deal with a mentally abusive teacher telling me I wouldn't amount to anything. I was bullied relentlessly because they knew that when I reacted with my outburst class would be delayed. I even lived in the same neighborhood as them so I couldn't escape. It got so bad I attempted suicide. What saved me was after so long of being harrased, after so long of people only judging me based on what they heard. Never defending me. Someone finaly went to the principal and told them to look at my bullies before I reacted. Suddenly, the bullying stopped. What's sad is, it's not like I didn't try. I went to the principal and guidance counselor every dat. In the end to them I was that punk kid who would snap at any moment. Not a person.

With Monty I see someone who was like me. With anger issues because he hates himself as much as he thinks everyone hates him. I wonder if in universe he's constantly reminded he's not Bonnie. He sees fans clamoring to see Freddy while ignoring him. People always bring up the Missing message and his Arcade game to judge him. Then seemingly forget about the message that states he will skip shows to be over Monty Golf. You know the same shows he apparently killed Bonnie to appear in. What I see is someone who needs to work on his anger issues and get better, but isn't evil. They're dealing with the fact that one day their anger got the better of them, and they did something they couldn't take back. Something that I think many people with mental health problems can relate too.

My anger issues didn't just get me bullied. I was an embarrassment to my parents. I hurt people I loved. I was violent. I didn't hurt anyone, but I threw books and flipped tables. I was in this loop of feeling like everyone hated me because of my anger issues, and that only made things worse and worse. Even now I have a hard time loving myself.

That's why Monty means so much to me. I saw someone who was like me. I saw someone with anger issues but was more than that if people gave them the chance.

All I wanted was to see Monty one last time before he was retired when the new band is announced.

I couldn't even get that.

Before you make fun of me, this is what a comfort character is. I'm sure there are fans who relate to Roxy’s insecurities. Who have an eating disorder and feel for Chica. Who felt lonely and wanted attention like Sun. Who lost a loved one like Freddy.

I just wanted people to understand why this is just more than "my favorite didn't make it" for some people

I really hope Steelwool sees how much people really love Monty and not only put him in HW2 fully. They also treat him better

[dragonwitch77]

Tiny

Chapter 8: Bi-Weekly

When Bittergiggle was unexpectedly thrust into the world of parenthood, he had expected something to happen.

Something. Anything. Whatever was to come next after the kid was dumped into his life.

Turns out, nothing really changed much.

A whole week had gone by, and nothing really stood out much.

Sure, the kid was there but… that was basically it. She stayed curled up on his chest in the sling, hardly making a sound and barely doing much besides looking around.

Kids were supposed to do more than this, right? Not just do partially nothing and stare at everything? Weren’t they supposed to be running around, screaming their heads off, or making some sort of mess?

Well, at least she wasn’t driving him crazy. Unlike his other two occupants.

The two clones, who named themselves Houdini and Allen Poe and were insistent that they were totally unique and not very original names as they claimed, were always constantly bickering with each other now that they didn’t pretend to be dead around him anymore. Every little thing set them off against each other, and Bittergiggle was losing his patience with them every passing day to the point where he couldn’t stand being in the same room with them anymore.

“At least you’re not driving me crazy yet.” He told the kid as he sat outside listening to the pair argue in his hideout.

If this was all parenting was, then Bittergiggle was sure he had nothing to worry about!

Until he remembered the bi-weekly expedition was fast approaching.

In all honesty, the jester had nearly forgotten them. He had spent a good month down on the lower floor, so he hadn’t really been pestered by the humans. None of them went down there ever since Syringeon had almost torn someone to shreds after they interrupted an important experiment of his.

Bittergiggle didn’t like these expeditions.

The humans who came to check up on them were mean and very rude. Some of them always gave him stares or told him to shut up when he tried to break the ice with a joke. And the jester couldn’t do much about it since they were always heavily armed.

But he could deal with rude humans. What he couldn’t deal with was having them find the kid.

Out of all the times for Syringeon’s warning to come full circle at him.

Bittergiggle groaned, swapping his more exaggerated clothes for simple ones. The humans always bagged on him for not wearing his ‘official clothing’, and he was rightly in no mood right now to hear them complain or have an argument with them.

It didn’t matter as much as keeping the kid a secret. Keeping her out of their radar would be the best, and he had no clue as to explain why there was a mini jester in his care

But that meant keeping the humans focused on him and only on him.

Without the kid.

That should be easy. He could leave her right here in his hideout! And he already had two convenient babysitters to watch her.

“You want us to do WHAT?!” Houdini screamed.

“Babysit? Us?”

“Uh, yeah.” Bittergiggle shrugged, adjusting the sleeves for what felt like the hundredth time. God, he hated wearing this thing. Why did the humans make him this? It was AWFUL. It was so bland and boring. GOD, he felt sick just wearing it! “I can’t exactly take the kid with me.”

“Why not? She’s your kid!”

“And we aren’t exactly babysitter material.” Poe added.

“Well, you two are the best I’ve got.” Once the jester had to admit the outfit was as good as it was going to get, he turned his focus on the clones. “And I can’t really have the humans find out about her. It would cause too many questions and it might tip them off on you two as well.”

“And what’s so bad about that?”

“It’s bad because if they found out I’ve been making clones of myself without their knowledge or approval, then they might think, ‘Hey! Free testing material!’ And use the both of you as new testing dummies for their experiments that’ll make Syringeon’s operations seem pleasant.”

The clones flinched at that. They knew about the experiments, and Syringeon’s unhealthy habit of cutting his own creations to pieces when they got on his limited trigger-haired patience.

With a sigh, Bittergiggle looked down at the kid. She sat quietly in the sling, having fallen asleep a few moments from all the walking around. She looked content, and Bittergiggle almost felt bad for leaving her behind. But he knew it was for the best. He couldn’t take her with him, and he had to make some appearance to the expedition team to keep them off his tail.

Besides, he wouldn’t be gone for too long.

He’d likely just pull a few gymnastic tricks or try and tell a joke or two before the humans were satisfied that he wasn’t up to anything and leave him be.

Plus, he had to make sure they didn’t bother Kittysaurus. She could only stand humans for as long as she could without him, and Bittergiggle was sure that the last expedition had put her on edge.

Now that I think about it, they might question me why I wasn’t around from the last bi-weekly expedition. That might hold me back longer than expected.

Bittergiggle’s frown deepened, shaking his head as he took off the sling and put it around Houdini. He debated putting the kid in a box, but quickly thought better of it when he thought it’d be something Syringeon would do to his own kids. And he was trying to AVOID acting like the crazy quack doc to Scylla.

“I should be back soon. Maybe an hour or so.” He informed the clone as he turned to leave. “And besides, what’s there for you to worry about? She hardly does anything but stare and sleep most of the time, so there’s no real big deal to freak out over watching her for a little while without me.”

The door to the hideout closed, cutting off whatever Houdini was going to say.

Confident that things would go hopefully smoothly, Bittergiggle made his way to the Employee Exercise Sector to check on Kittysaurus before the expedition team arrived.

🧪

Bittergiggle was back.

It was unfortunate.

Toadster was almost beginning to suspect the worst when he spotted the jester making his way to the Employee Exercise Sector.

The sheriff wanted to lock the idiot up for life when he saw him casually walking by, and interrogate him on his whereabouts he had disappeared to for over a month.

It irked him that Bittergiggle seemed to have no care on how worried he was when the jester disappeared–NOT that he had been worried. Only mildly concerned. Because the jester was once a good friend. And still a part of the Kingdom. Somewhat.

ANYWAY.

The idea of putting Bittergiggle in prison was an appealing idea, but Toadster knew it wasn’t going to work. He still didn’t have the proper holding cell for the jester, and he wanted to be sure that Bittergiggle couldn’t ever escape to reach the queen. But he also had to make sure the holding cell would allow Bittergiggle to receive visitors.

He knew Bittergiggle hated being alone.

It drove the jester insane.

A memory from the past popped into his mind, shuddering before shoving it down. He couldn’t be lenient with criminals, no matter what kind of past relationship he had with them.

Though he did keep in mind that Bittergiggle was a special case he had to tread lightly with. One wrong move, and everything would come crumbling down.

Everything they worked so hard to build.

All of it at risk if the jester was allowed to roam free.

Yet, Toadster refrained himself from running after the jester and drop-kicking him into the closest cell. He wouldn’t be able to. Not with the bi-weekly expedition coming soon.

The humans were always picky about him locking up criminals, even though those types of scum needed locking away forever. Still, they would question and demand him to release Bittergiggle if they saw the jester locked up in a cell, and Toadster didn’t want all his hard work to go to waste.

Besides, it appeared Bittergiggle was trying to stay on the humans’ good side.

He was wearing his old uniform. And Toadster knew how much Bittergiggle hated that outfit.

The jester always ranted about how awful his old uniform was, going on and on with how he was going to burn the thing to ashes or rip it to shreds and turn it into a toy for his cat to play with. If the humans didn’t threaten him to keep it in one piece and in good condition, he was sure Bittergiggle would have done it already a long time ago.

But that begs the question of why he’s trying to stay on their good side. Bittergiggle doesn’t have any reason to appeal to them.

Toadster wondered if there was more going on than he expected, but shoved it aside. Protecting the queen was his first duty. Bittergiggle was, and always would be just a second thought to him.

No matter how much it nagged at him that something was up.

🧪

Five hours.

The humans from the expedition team had questioned him for five hours.

Apparently, the humans weren’t quite as oblivious as Bittergiggle had suspected. They noticed his absence from the last expedition, and were quite curious to know where exactly he was.

He couldn’t tell them the exact details of where he was. The humans didn’t want anyone from the failed rebellion to have any contact with the surgeon. They knew the four armed Mutant was the brains, and they didn’t want another rebellion in the making.

So he just spun a small tale, lying about how he got stuck somewhere for a long time. Long enough for the expedition team to come and go before finally managing to get out. They didn’t believe him at first, and he honestly wished they were daff enough to accept his words and move along instead of questioning him for so long.

Goooooooooood, that was so boooooooOOOOORRRRRRRrrrrring!

Bittergiggle was glad the expedition team only came by every two weeks. He wasn’t sure how he might handle it if they came by more than once or twice a month. If they came by more than that, he was sure he was going to kill someone.

Not that he would. Bittergiggle didn’t want to dirty his hands, and it would be way too much effort getting rid of the body.

He could always have Kittysaurus eat it, but there was the problem of getting the body to her area and not getting spotted by any of the cameras.

And there was the problem with this thing the humans had that was called blood. All humans had this weird red liquid in their bodies that was apparently important to them if it wasn’t kept inside, and it made quite a huge mess if it somehow got out. So there was the problem of cleaning if they ever popped like a water balloon.

Still, it would be too much hassle and would draw too much attention if he did commit murder, so Bittergiggle decided to let them live… for now.

In the end, once his patience ran out, Bittergiggle tried his new set of jokes on the humans, cringing them to leave before their brains fried from hearing all his bad jokes. Soon all left without giving him so much as a compliment for his hard work, and he was left with his growling kitty.

All but one.

The one human who Bittergiggle was sure was the worst out of every human in the facility. The very human who belittled and mocked Bittergiggle at any chance they got ever since they met.

He didn’t understand why the human took every chance at making his life miserable. He couldn’t recall ever doing anything to them, and if he did, they probably deserved it.

Letting out a small snort, he descended down the stairs to his little hideout, planning to just relax for the rest of the day.

But as soon as his foot reached the final step, something felt… off.

The jester paused, blinking in confusion. He glanced back up the stairs, wondering if he had been followed. He shouldn’t have been. The humans all left and he took all the paths Toadster wasn’t familiar with so the sheriff wouldn’t be able to follow him.

Bittergiggle pondered, wondering what felt off. He shrugged, figuring it was just a feeling. Making his way towards the door, he wondered if he should finally go through with his promise to BURN this wretched thing he was forced to wear but stopped right in front of the door.

From the other side, he could hear a noise. A strange familiar noise he heard once or twice. And he only heard that noise coming from–

A seize of panic washed over the jester, and before he knew what he was doing, Bittergiggle had already forced the door to open and bolted inside. He only paused for just a moment to see what laid before him and nearly toppled over at what he saw. “WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!”

What laid before him was a sea of chaos.

Tables were toppled, papers were sticking here or there, books and art supplies were thrown about, the wall was coated with what Bittergiggle hoped was only glitter glue and one of the tanks had lost its coverage and exposed the clone inside.

In the middle of the mess, Houdini and Allen Poe jumped in surprise, looking up at him in fear and alarm, but also with some relief. The third and tiniest occupant in the room was being held by Houdini.

Crying and screaming her head off.

Upside down.

“Why are you holding her like that?!” Bittergiggle screamed, rushing over and snatching the small jester from the half-finished clone. He didn’t know much about childcare, but he was pretty certain that kids WEREN’T supposed to be held upside down.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Houdini held up his hands in surrender, cowering as Bittergiggle shot him a glare while holding Scylla against his chest. “I thought it would get her to stop screaming!”

“By holding her upside down?!”

“I was trying to hold her in the air and pretend she was an airplane!” Houdini protested. “You know, playing around and make her laugh or something! But all she’s been doing since she woke up is scream!”

“We didn’t know what to do!” Allen chimed in. “You said all she does is stare at stuff, but when she opened her eyes, she started screaming! We tried everything to get her to stop!”

“Magic tricks!”

“Poetry!”

“Arts and crafts!”

“Books you brought back!”

“Silly faces!”

“Nothing worked! She just keeps screaming and screaming!”

Bittergiggle surpassed a growl, pinching his face. Well, he knew parenting wasn’t going to be completely easy. He knew Syringeon had to deal with his own kids every day by the hour.

Looking down at Scylla, the tiny jester sniffled, blinking her teary eyes up at him. Bittergiggle had a feeling as he looked at those big eyes of hers that his quiet easy times with the kid were coming to an end.

And real parenting was just beginning.

<Previous/Next>

[jewish-vents]

Being ethnically Jewish, adopted by goyim, and only connecting to my heritage and my culture as an adult was hard enough considering I became an adult in 2016. Since then my dad has become a full-blown conspiracy theorist, Trump supporter, and rabid Islamophobe. He's gotten involved in this weird offshoot of Evangelicals who think nothing bad can happen to "the Jews" (he NEVER calls us Jewish people, or people at all) so according to him there is no rise in antisemitism. Things have been like this forever. There is no rise in hate crimes or hate speech. The CIA, FBI, NSA, NAACP, and Jews are all lying or mistaken because his conspiracy buddies say so.

I get called slurs and babykiller and pedophile every day when I go to work on campus. (Apparently goyim think we lick babies' private parts? Their kinks baffle me.) My coworkers make pointed remarks or talk about hoping Hamas wins and look at me just daring me to get offended or fight them or report them to the department head, who they and I both know would side with them. I am taking care of my disabled father and my newfound stray-who-chose-me dog, I have been repairing the attic and spare room because my sister and her daughter have to move in at the end of the month due to their rent being hiked up suddenly, and I am recovering from having a bleeding ulcer back in December, during which I lost over half the blood in my body.

And added onto all of this work, I can't even come home to peace and quiet. I come home to more and more conspiracy garbage. My adoptive dad was always emotionally abusive and has untreated Bipolar Disorder. He's never been kind to me. But now he's dehumanizing me, saying things like "the Jews and people" as if those are separate categories, rambling about "the mystery of the Jews" which appears to be how we survived if people actually hated us (which is apparently in question), and constantly, consistently, repeatedly talking about the Holocaust. I got up to get peanut butter for breakfast because I'm so busy that breakfast is two spoons of peanut butter and I couldn't even get that this morning without being told actually, it's Jewish people's fault for dying during the Holocaust because they knew it was coming and could've gotten out.

I'm a bad person.

I snapped. I just started screaming. Not words, not even syllables, just full-body, loud, long screams to drown out everything he said. I screamed until my voice gave out and then I clamped my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and waited until I had enough breath to bolt for my room, throw on non-pajama clothes, and went to work. I can't take it. I can't take this. I can't deal with this. I didn't apologize and I'm not going to because if I do I might have to hear more of it and it's too much. When I was a kid he used to get angry and refuse to talk to me for days, sometimes weeks. I am actively begging Hashem to let that happen because I just can't take this anymore.

I'm 24. I'm not even 30 yet and I feel ancient. Childhood feels like a half-remembered dream. I don't remember what it was like to feel safe anymore. I had a fine day at work because I've started... I don't think it's exactly dissociating? I imagine myself as a main character in a video game narrating the contents of a visual novel. 'Angry Coworker #2 is overly dramatic. You wonder how much of it is performance,' I narrate to myself in the second person, eating lunch, 'and how much, if any, of her emotion is genuine. She is giving a 2012 early YouTube caliber performance. Your smile should look appropriately strained so she thinks her attempt has succeeded, lest she escalate to full-on theatrics.'

This cannot be healthy. But the last therapist I had just taught me to feel guilty for thinking about the part or things I can't control because that means I have only myself to blame for feeling bad. The therapist before that I caught zoning out on me mid-session and totally not paying attention. The one before that kept telling me that the things that stress me out don't actually effect me and I was self-victimizing because the rest of the world doesn't "have" to effect me.

I am coming apart at the seams. I am consistently narrating my own life in the second person and not eating dinner because then I'd have to encounter my father and working on something because if I work I don't have to think. I don't know how long I can keep going like this. If I ever scream at work like I did at home, I'd be fired, and pretty rightfully so.

I'm so tired. I can't deal with everything. I can't kill myself because there's too much work to do, too many people depending on me. I can't keep patiently gritting my teeth and listening to another hot take on "the Jews" every morning. I just want to sleep. I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I can't do this anymore. I also have to.

.