#i hate going doctor and i don't have the money to be wasting if they're just gonna be like “yeah if it's not chronic there's nothing to do”

[yardsards]

tonight i had period cramps so bad that i threw up several times in the course of an hour or two from the pain before finally going unconscious :) fucking lovely :)

[weareuniqueandimportant]

Bigot Gasslight "Not For You. Go Like Other Things" Until You Don't Have Anything.

That Was For Me. I Saw Them. I Watched Them. I Was Hurt By Them. That Was I Who Was Lured. Who Is Lured To Be Hurt. They Are Designed To Exploit. Only A Bigot Wouldn't See Us As Human Anymore Like This Abandon Us Push Us To Our Death Solely To Defend Their Bigoted Ideology. This Is What You Are. Only A Bigot Would Gasslight Otherwise.

I Have Been Humiliated By The Things I Like Over And Over Again. Absolutely Nothing Likes Us. Only A Bigot Would Gasslight ANYTHING ON US.

Winx Fans Are Disgusting They See And Talk About The Characters As Crushes Like That Is Normal. Something Is Wrong. Captain Marvel Wasn't This Way. If You Have A Problem You're A Bigot. You're Just Obsessed With Humiliating Us Based On Trauma We Have. You Can't Leave People Like Us Alone We Must Be Humiliated. You Do This Because We're Feminist And Woman And Other Progressive Things. Things You All Hate. That Is Why You're Doing This. You're Trying To Kick Us Until We Die. You Want To BULLY Until We're DEAD. YOU'RE A BIGOT. AN EVIL GASSLIGHTING ABUSER MONSTER WASTE.

Imagine Being That Ugly Ass Orc... Winx Fans Are Absolutely Evil SEXIST ABUSER WASTE. THEY WANT TO PUNCH ALL WOMEN AND THEN SELL US TOYS TO CONFUSE US. The Season 8 Hate Is Nothing But Control. THEY DESPISE The Winx Are No Longer Sexualised For Their Bigot Ass And Finally For Once "For Girls". This IS THE ONLY ART STYLE IN THE SERIES THAT IS HATED. And That Is Also Our Favorite Art Style. But They Went Back. Things Will Regress Again Because They Creators Are DISGUSTING MAN PERVERT THAT WANT TO BONER FROM THE WINX. ONLY A SEXIST WOULD LOVE THE WINX CLUB. IF YOU LOVE THE WINX CLUB YOU'RE A SEXIST BIGOT AND 100% ALL THE BIGOTED THINGS. I Feel Like I Don't Trust Anything About The Series Anymore. They Aren't Capable Of Getting Better. A Completely Lost Cause. Only A Bigot Would Believe Otherwise. We're Watching Season 1 We're At 20 Episodes. I Feel Hollow While Watching. Because I Think About This Over And Over Again. Just Like We Have All This Time. And Whoever Made The Trash Wouldn't Have Our Backs. They Leave This For Us To Figure Out So They Can KILL AND RAPE AND PILLAGE US LATER. THAT IS ALL THEY WANT FROM US. "FOR GIRLS" IS JUST MONEY. THEY DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT US. AND THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC ARE BRAINLESS SEXIST BIGOT TOO STUPID FOR ANY OF THIS. WE HAVE BEEN ABUSED BY SO MANY MACHINES OF CAPITALISM THAT LOVE THIS SHIT AND I KNOW THOSE MACHINES CALLED TEACHERS DOCTORS AND POLICE WOULD SEE THIS AS HARMLESS. WELL THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO. BECAUSE EVERYTHING WOKE IS A THREAT TO THEIR IDEOLOGY. Something's Wrong They Wouldn't Give A Shit. And The Series Is ANTI FEMINIST IDEOLOGY. ANTI WOMAN. ANTI GIRL. SEXIST. EVIL. THAT PUSHES DOWN BIGOTED IDEOLOGY ABOUT BOYS AND GIRLS AND MAKES THE WOMAN ALL MANS SEX DOLLS. AND THESE LOVERS ARE THE ENTIRE FANDOM. ONLY A BIGOT WOULD GASSLIGHT OTHERWISE. PERHAPS YOU ARE AN OGRE YOURSELF AND ONLY DON'T WANT TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

"Not Everything Is Made For You!!" Absolutely Nothing Is. That's The Point. Us Progressive Create Those Things Ourselves. We Occupy Bigoted Things That Hurt Us And Fix Them. We Make Them No Longer Hurt Us. Only A Bigot Wouldn't See This As Beatifull And Good.

They Gasslight They Just "Love The Art Style". But Somehow Despise The New One. If You Just Love The Art You Just Love The Art Again. You Have A Political Reason. Maybe You're An Anti Sjw. Obviously. And You're Once Again Trying To Kick Us Narcissist Out Of Feminism. You Know We're Too Powerfull Like Anita Sarkeesian.

Infact. This All Sounds Once Again Like Specific Targeted Ocpd Narcissism Anxiety Trauma Cptsd Combined Abuse. You're Taking Advantage Of Them Trying To Aim At Them. Because They're Excactly What You Hate About Us. What You Don't Want In Anyone. You Can't Control Us Amazing Feminist Powerfull Narcissist. Your Goal Is MALE CONTROL. THAT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT GENDER YOU ARE.

You Claim You Changed You're No Longer Alt Right. But You Just Can't Admit You Had A Reason To Oppose Anita Sarkeesian. You Were Scared By Her. You Can See We're Too Smart And Intelligent For Your Ideology.

Don't You Find That Strange I Can't Like This "Girl Thing"? Shouldn't That Be Bizarre That Doesn't Appeal To A Woman. But Does For An Disgusting Ugly Male Ogre.

Aren't I Supposed To Like These "Girl Things"? So What Gives? The Creators Totally Care About This. So Much The Series Didn't Change From This And Is Back Like This Too.

Crazy Part Is The Creators Are Male And Decide What All These "Girl Things" "For Girls" Mean. Well. I Am A Woman And Believe They Are Sexist And Queerphobic And All The Bigoted Things. I Also Find Nothing Impressive About The Winx's Skin Representation. They Made Fun Of That Afro. Who Knows How Much More Hatred They Still Bear. Mask On Doesn't Mean Mask Gone.

That Episode Was So Awfull. Literally Complete Sexism. Laughing At Those Poor Models While Rating Them Based On How They Look. The Ugly One Has Passion But Loses Because Of How She Looks And Stella Is Rewarded With A Meaningless Reward. What A Bizarre And Racist Episode Alongside Sexist And All The Bigoted Things.

I'm So Ashamed I Can't Even Call Them Woman. Would A Woman Really Be Like That...? If You Asked One What's Appealing About Being On Stage She Would Say Being Confident... But The Focus Was On How Beatifull Not Even How Empowering Even If That Is An Obvious Sexist Sceme Only A Bigot Would Enjoy.

Only A Machine Would Oppose Any Of This. Silence Bigot. And Make Us Transition We Live In Finland Freeze Our Little Ones And Give Us Diy Hrt. We Need This We Have Dependent Disorder.

That Is No Suprise The Winx Are Like This. They're Buried Under Body Standards.

That Is Evil. Fact.

Only A Bigot Would Believe Otherwise.

Let Me Repeat. Body Standards. Your Own Body. YOURS. Is Being Rated As You Watch.

Why Wouldn't That Be Uncomfortable. Only A Bigot Wouldn't Have A Problem With This.

You Get This With Other Things As Sexist.

Your Body Is Always Rated By Man. That Must End.

That Is Why Feminist Have A Problem With This. A Good Reason I Believe In. Anyone Against Our Woke Agenda Is Nothing But A Worthless Machine Of Capitalism. Really We're Saving Those "Girls". Meanwhile The Bigot Are Trying To Hold Them In This Abuse.

People "Grow Up" To Escape This Uncomfortable Feeling. Agephobic Ideology Exists To Hide People's Buried Feelings. That Is Why That Is A Thing. They're Harmed By This. And We Aren't Allowed To Do Anything About Things Like This Because We're Excluded. Bullshit. Only A Bigot Would Be Like This. Woke Will Save Everyone Their Age Is Irrelevant. Only An Agephobic Bigot Would Pay Attention To Such A Fact.

Only A Bigot BLIND To A WOMAN'S PAIN Would SEE THIS As JUST "GIRL THINGS". "GIRLY". "GIRL SHOW". That Doesn't Matter What Your Gender Is. And Woman And Girl All The Same. We Never Liked Being Labeled That Way And Would Say Woman Even Before. Age Is Irrelevant To Me As Is Gender Demographics Are Bigoted Propaganda. Based On A Social Construct. In A Bigoted Way. They're Just A Sexist Bunch Of Ugly Man Trying To Sell People Their Masturbation Doll. Only A Bigot Would Oppose This In Any Way. I Am 100% Right.

You're Watching Us Suffer And Do Nothing Knowing The Direction We're Taking. You're Evil. You Could've Been Usefull. We Still Haven't Transitioned. You Don't Give A Shit. You Don't Want Us To Transition. You Believe People Just Magically Do. Erase All The Bigoted Reasons We Are Abandoned And Ignored To Be Like This.

[volunruud]

the "reasons not to get pregnant/have kids" list is full of misogyny and reasons regarding a mother's physical appearance and her worth (and/or conflating those reasonings). they do not resonate with me at all, as a woman who really doesn't care about how i look necessarily or how my body changes as time goes on.

here is MY PERSONAL list of reasons to not fall pregnant and have children:

pregnancy:

my age. i'm too young.

pregnancy sucks, it's painful, dangerous, and long. *insert most common pregnancy symptoms and issues here* *insert less common pregnancy symptoms here* (yes we have all heard of common symptoms like morning sickness up to more scary symptoms like death so i'm not going to list all those. look up a list of what happens to you during pregnancy and ask expecting mothers if they want to share)

labor. need i say more

surgery. stitches. recovery. pain.

difficult pregnancy. sure i could have an easy pregnancy. or maybe i won't.

the chance of miscarriage.

the chance i'll need an abortion.

pregnancy/labor emotional trauma due to mistreatment (from family, partners, doctors).

money. expenses. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

i'd probably need a c-section which is a whole ass nightmare

subjecting myself to other mother's/people's opinions and judgement regarding literally every single choice i could ever make. "are you doing a hospital birth vs home birth, are you drinking coffee, oh youre not breastfeeding?" etc. i literally hate people and their dumbass opinions so this is a big one for me.

being subject to people touching my belly. and people getting offended when i say no (if they even bother to ask first)

not being able to smoke or drink. i love drinking and smoking. i smoke every day and i don't want to stop.

lacking a "maternal instinct" to the point i don't even believe it's real or it's very rare... i think it's mainly an excuse or justification. or a coping mechanism.

unprompted really invasive questioning. by everyone i know. no matter how well i know them. absolutely dreadful.

i like going to work. i don't want to miss a lot of days or take off for maternity leave.

have to get new clothes and my old clothes probably won't fit after pregnancy. so even more new clothes for after.

being asked if i want a girl or boy. this to me is a really dumb question because the answer is extremely obvious and also i have no control over it

hosting/planning a baby shower for myself sounds like a nightmare. i'm not even gonna think about it. and gender reveals are dumb as hell.

raising children:

constantly being reduced to "just" a mom. this one isn't too obvious but it's little things. like when random people will refer to you as mom or mama instead of your name (this may be a southern thing though).

no sleep

screaming. crying. shitting. vomiting. always cleaning up after someone and it literally never ends.

it takes an astronomical amount of EFFORT and DEDICATION. frankly i'd rather put this energy into video games and my art for the time being.

having to put someone else first. i live life for myself. i put myself first and prioritize my own needs. i don't want to change this any time soon. i love myself and dont want to waste my youth (and money time energy etc etc) caring for a baby/toddler.

if i had a girl: having to constantly defend her from misogyny and body shaming (which is a big concern and something i fully expect from my family). trying to shield her, and failing.

if i have a boy: the fear of him growing up into a misogynist, which i don't think i could fully stop that honestly even though i'd try my best. also comments like "boys are so much easier than girls" piss me off.

having to miss work for my kid if they're sick or anything else.

have to put them in school and go to school meetings and events. picking them up and stuff.

they'll probably have annoying ass kid friends that they hang out with.

no guarantee of unconditional love. no guarantee of cherished memories. that's obviously the hope/goal i guess? but it's not promised to you just because you had the kid and raised it

no guarantee of someone to care for you when youre old. i know several people who consider this a valid reason to have the kid in the first place (and not a mere justification after you fall pregnant "well at least i'll have someone to take care of me!" yikes)

need more time to develop/heal due to my young age and circumstances.

i'd have to rearrange my house or transform a whole room. i like my house and rooms how they are right now.

less time for my cats and work/hobbies

i keep many toxic plants and breakable items. that i want to keep.

the way that it's extremely easy to traumatize a child, without even intending to. it's impossible to avoid. if it's not me it's someone else. with my anxiety i'll just be dreading the day something horrible happens, or thinking too much and doing the wrong thing. idk this includes countless scenarios.

i work with several mothers my age and every day they never stop complaining. i really doubt if anything about young motherhood is rewarding.

in my opinion, the social aspects of pregnancy are worse than the physical issues. like i'd rather do morning sickness than tell everyone 6262646967 times a day when my due date is etc etc etc. it just sounds so miserable. but then again i just kinda hate talking to people. i think it's that i already hate small talk and making conversation with strangers but the additional dialogue about pregnancy and children makes it so much more unbearable. so the fact we're adding in new things to say and for people to ask about? yikessss noooo.

also i would include things like "men objectifying my pregnant body" "men with pregnancy fetish" but i try not to let a man being a piece of shit perv ruin anything for me personally. and i don't think you should either (but if this is a reason for you i think it's valid).

there are many other reasons regarding the father as well. if he abandons you, cheats, doesn't pay child support, is a shit father, etc etc etc. these are extremely concerning and affect so many women and these are major reasons to consider not having a baby and to re-evaluate who you're having children with. but i'm not really including these because i think if these reasons resonate with you personally, you should not be with that man at all. like DO NOT have a baby with him but also don't be with him. because maybe you could happily have a baby with someone else (or be happier with someone else).

like i said this is my personal list as of right now. i'm 23 and don't plan on having kids for a while. so these could change but i'm not going to edit this list. i made this because i need reasons that don't solely revolve around my appearance or tie my worth into my appearance (like a certain other List). i wanted to express that there are so many reasons to not get pregnant that ARENT stretch marks and hanging non-perky tits (both of these things i have anyway so i'm not worried about my body changing how it looks). we CANNOT make it seem like the worst effects of pregnancy and motherhood is a mere few stretch marks!!! that's LITERALLY the least of my concerns.

[prnanxiety]

Stop sharing the intimite details of other peoples fucking lives on tumblr cunt.

4/6/24

Now, this ask has been hard for me to answer. This is a problem that's been on my mind for a while now. Is there a right way to share details about a case and a patient

I personally started this blog because I saw too many things for myself and the patients with these struggles to benefit from; I'm surrounded every day by people who think my patients are to be locked up and forgotten about. It's one thing to meet someone who doesn't give a shit about psych patients in a super market, I'm just about numb to that nowadays. It's another thing entirely to have someone who doesn't care, who's your god damned nurse coworker.

Somebody who you know for a fact is trained in psych. Somebody who has had to study the same subjects and pass the same tests as you, and Somebody who is expected to be an expert in care for a patient's psychiatric background, in order to save that patient's life. That somebody still looks at the psych patients on your medical unit and wants them gone. Looking at someone homeless, psychotic, paranoid, and desperate, who's been assaulted every which way, still trying to hold on to a reason to live, and wanting them gone? Because their psychosis is inconvenient? Because you don't like knowing that psychosis can happen to anyone? Because they have an addiction?

It's an attitude I have never respected, yet continuously ran into in the medical side of hospitals. The thing is, nurses who think stuff like that go to the same lectures and continuing education credits I do, and have to learn the same stuff about psych I do. They keep passing the competencies and retaining their licenses, and they keep treating psych patients like they're wastes of space and time. So as far as I'm concerned, just being another face saying "Here's a study that says treating people like people makes treating them easier, even if they're severely mentally ill," isn't going to change any minds.

I figured coming home from work every shift and writing honest posts about things I saw that I loved or hated, or what challenged me that day, would at least give the same subject a different angle; "Hey look at how this person was, today." Something to sort of aggressively hammer home the point that "No, goddammit, they're not wastes of space."

But damn, I'm not really telling the patients I'm doing it either, am I? I can sit here and change details all I want until someone is someone else entirely. "A guy who survived a suicide attempt talked about basketball with me today" and tell myself "that can hardly identify anyone." But I'm still talking about these same patients themselves, without their awareness or consent. Even when my posts are short, even when my posts are "just like any other reddit or twitter post any other doctor or nurse makes every day." That hasn't been sitting well with me for a few months now.

There's an article about this on the American Medical Association's Journal of Ethics website that tackles this issue with physician memoirs. I'm not a physician, but its the same issue, as far as I'm concerned; A Doctor cares about their patients. They write a book about a patient population they care deeply for and a case that has long since stayed with them. The book gets published. The doctor makes money. Did the doctor exploit the patients?

The article makes the point that this kind of thing is "Creative nonfiction in medicine," and discusses some excellent pros and cons to it.

In this context we’ve developed two main approaches to dealing with patient stories in medical memoir. One is informed consent; the other is de-identification [2, 3]. Each of these, however, creates new problems. For example, de-identification, i.e., changing the narrative to make the patient unrecognizable, decreases the factual accuracy of the account, raising the question, “Where does nonfiction end and fiction begin?” Alternatively, what about the patient who refuses consent? Must we never publish stories about angry, withdrawn, or paranoid patients who, like Melville’s Bartleby the scrivener, repeatedly tell us, 'I prefer not to'”' when asked for permission?"

I personally don't sweat the first question too terribly hard; I'd rather everyone who reads this identify with they thing they have in common with the patient than focus on what sport the guy I mentioned likes (it wasn't hockey). I might lose some people who like the real sport we talked about, but I'd gain anyone willing to find the humanity in the guy. The second question is what I'm more worried about.

Let me envision two scenarios for Dr. Cushman as he prepared to publish Picking up the Pieces. In the first case, he has taken the paternalistic attitude that his patients are, after all, poorly educated and lack the sophistication necessary to understand his project. He also felt that authorial license permitted him to alter patient stories at will and to invent situations and conversations in the service of a “larger truth.” Consequently, he neither informed his patients about his use of their narratives, nor obtained their consent—but neither did he alert his readers to his practice of altering or inventing patient narratives. Given this scenario, I would have to conclude that, despite his good intentions, Dr. Cushman should see his book as ethically flawed. Let me make another point about de-identification in creative nonfiction. By definition, “nonfiction” requires factual accuracy. The “creative” element is supposed to be confined to literary style and technique. Nonetheless, authors of memoirs often reconstruct characters, events, and conversations from memory, perhaps with little or no documentary support. Moreover, the memoirist packages his or her experience to present a coherent narrative. In this process, the author might delete, merge, or alter material in the pursuit of “truth.” Although perhaps appropriate, this can constitute a breach of contract with readers, unless the author lets them in on the secret. Readers of books like the one whose publicity blurb I mentioned above rightfully expect an unvarnished firsthand account of actual patients, just as advertised. The remedy for Dr. Cushman would be to explain the criteria and process he used in de-identifying or re-imagining the narratives included in his book.

The article does a great job summing up the perfect, ethical scenario for a medical memoir, or published journal; Obtain the patient's permission, preserve crucial details, change everything else, then publish. Man, I have no idea how to ask my patients if I can write about them like that. After all, I might feel pressured to only write positive and uplifting stories, when being brutally honest about someone's misery or hate would be a more honest representation of psychiatry, in the way laypeople like to pretend isn't real. "Hey, patient who just tried to sexually assault other patient, thanks for getting into the restraint chair for us. Can I write about you on my blog tonight? I promise not to identify you, I just want to talk about how fucked up your upbringing was, and ask the reader 'did they ever really have a chance?'"

I dunno. Maybe I do need to do that.

If I ever suddenly stop posting on this blog without saying goodbye, it's because I decided that was probably the best route to take. Always wanting to do right by my patients and all. Not gonna stop writing about my patients though, that's too helpful for me. And I'm also not gonna stop trying to figure out how the fuck to get more people to care about this field.

[promptandstuff]

Friendships out of convenience (Prompt List)

Caring

"Can I be your friend ?"

"It's hard being alone... you don't have to be."

"What about sharing a hotel room because it's cheaper that way?"

"You can't eat that, there's peanut in it. Here I got you something else"

"I didn't knew that you like this artist. They are my favorite too!"

Sharing a car because one of them doesn't have a license and the other needs the money

A is waiting for the other to go home after work/school so B doesn't have to be alone and A can rant about their day

A loves small talk and B lets them make all the calls (doctor appointments, insurance, meetings, etc)

B loves baking but can't eat much, so they regularly feed A with it

B has a hard time speaking in public but find it easy to protect A

They're not each other favorite person but still appreciate each other presences

2. Angry

"How come you didn't tell me about your family?" - I didn't know we were that close

"Why do you always have something to do, when I want to hang out ? But if you want to go out, I'm supposed to be ready?"

"Stop screaming at me! I never asked to be involved in all this"

"I wish I would have stayed home, because this is a waste of time"

"The truth is that I just wanted someone to drive me. I never really cared."

A is cancelling plans with B to hang out with their partner, B founds out and is angry

B invites their close friend to their birthday but doesn't realize how hurt A is

A lost their money and suspect B

B only calls if they want something from A, and A is fed up

A tends to ghost B which B hates

3. Angsty/Sad

"I just wish that I were important to someone" - That's not fair

"It was just aquestion of time. You didnt really thought this friendship would last?"- Actually, I did

"Do you have a minute?"- I don´t have time for that, sorry

"How does it feel to be someones priority?"

"No, you have a lot of good qualities... you're smart" (They are not)

B watches the social media of A with their friend

A wants to spend more time with B but gets stood up

The Parents of B wants to meet A, but B has a hard time explaining that its not that important

A forgets Bs interests, since they usually talk

[conkreetmonkey]

(heavy academic vent post, don't read if you're not in the mood. I don't want to bring anyone's vibe down. Minors pls don't read!)

So last night I found out that I missed an important assignment that's probably going to cost me a credit. I previously missed one, which was no biggie because it was only worth 15%, but this one was worth 20%. It doesn't seem like a big deal until it's taken into consideration that the final exam, taking place tomorrow, is worth a whopping 40% of the final grade, so even if I absolutely ace the exam, which I probably won't because I'm only human, the highest possible mark I can get is 65%, which I probably won't because the 15% assignment was marked by the unseen hardass TA who the teacher has had to keep reigned in because they don't even look at the assignment rubric and just go absolutely feral, docking marks for things the teacher explicitly told us to do and needing to be corrected on it.

(btw, the outstanding 10% is the stupid online discussion posts that I have not done for any class because I would honestly rather tear out all my toenails with a pair of pliers than subject myself to that. 2020 gave me a stress response to that shit. It feels like the academic equivalent of being forced to do a dance by a Walmart manager)

Since I bombed almost every class last year, my parents have told me I need to pass every class this year or they will withdraw financial support, something I totally agree is fair because I wasted so, so much tuition and residence money on pretty much zilch. The thing is, until last night, I thought I was passing. My father has withdrawn the money from my college fund and will soon be paying for my next semester (I paid for the first). Due to this, I am going to have to tell them I may fail a course and they should hold on to the money. They're probably going to be very, very mad. It's going to ruin an entire evening and it will cement me as the disappointing formerly gifted child for the foreseeable future.

The thing is, I can't tell them tonight like I've been steeling myself for because they've decided we're putting up the stupid Christmas tree. They're tidying the house for the obligatory happy family photo ops, as if we all haven't had a bad year for reasons too private to describe. So now I have to get tidied up and pretend to be a cheerful little clam for the phone camera, knowing I have to get up at 8:00 tomorrow to get fucking slaughtered by multiple exams, drag myself home, and tell my parents that I've failed them yet again. Putting up the tree at all just feels cynically bittersweet at this point. The youngest child has grown out of Santa, but we all have to keep up the act out of pure obligation to a tradition originating in happier times. While tidying, my mom threw out a houseplant I got her for mother's day, and it stung more than I'd like to admit. She claimed it was "pretty much" dead, but we all know it wasn't. She threw it out with a perfectly good pot attached. Basically, she's in one of those Mom Moods, where she leeches vibe arsenic into the air, making the rest of the day feel like walking on napalm-filled eggshells.

I feel trapped, and I'm tortured by the knowledge that I brought this on myself by forgetting about an assignment. I hate school so goddamn much, but I need to keep forcing myself through because a) I'll never survive in this economy otherwise, and b) if I don't use the rare oppourtunity of being able to attend university as a guy in a first-world country, I'll feel like an ungrateful POS for the rest of my life. I still feel like I should be forcing myself to become a doctor even though I don't want to and it's not expected of me, just because it's the "correct" thing to do. Instead, I'm shooting for a worthless bachelors of English that I don't even want just because if I'm not in uni I'll be obligated to work a shitty factory job until my bones crack to make up for it. No matter which way I go, I'm either miserable or a disappointment, and surviving outside of this house is impossible no matter what I do because this country's economy is collapsing in on itself. Even with my low-value degree, I'd be barely scraping by. I don't want any university degree. I hate university while studying something I like. Getting a valuable degree like business administration or bookkeeping would be like chewing glass. It's probably not even feasible if I couldn't manage this.

No matter which way I go, I'm trapped. I'm miserable in school, but making a living without a valuable degree in this country is impossible. No matter what I do, I'll be living in my parents' basement for at least the next 3-5 years because the rent in this town is absurd, so living somewhere else would mean full-time min wage employment with at least 2 roommates, and I'd be counting individual dollars at the Walmart checkout with no real prospect of saving.

I want to sprint away from my life screaming and start over, but that would be a death sentence. My only option is school and I hate it and I know I can do it but I have so much executive dysfunction that it feels like climbing Mt. Everest, as does doing much of anything aside from sleeping. My antidepressants aren't cutting it anymore. There's no way I couldn't be depressed in these circumstances, where I'm surrounded by options and they're all shit sandwiches. I doubt therapy or upping my prozac dosage would even help. The problem is the crushing pressure and lack of non-miserable prospects. No matter what I do, the next 5 or even 10 years of my life are set to be a miserable slog. There's no escape.

I wish I could run, but where could I go? It's just as bad everywhere. You cannot land a non-body-ruining job that allows you to afford rent without a degree anymore, simple as. Because of AI, I couldn't even make money writing/drawing porn anymore, which has been my backup plan since forever. The only way out of this basement is through school, and due to the fuckup that broke the camel's back, I'm probably going to have to put myself through it, all while my parents think less and less of their previously "gifted" child (aka, I was neurodivergent but went undiagnosed and thus had a lonely childhood. People knew and never told me). I want to explode. I wish I could get hit by a car and break all my bones so it wouldn't all be my fault anymore, and I could sue and finally stop worrying about money. I am so close to just pulling an internet scam so I can have enough money to get out of this life. I need out and there's no way out. I need money and there's no way to make money. I'm tired and stressed all the time and I want to scream and I can't even complain about it because I'm technically priveliged. I should be happy that I get to go to school because this is the best there is. I hate living in this world. I want to escape but I can't. I'm a rat in a cage.

[lurking-latinist]

character meme - six; cally & vila; uljabaan, katrina & lucy! (just to be greedy - you can just answer whichever set you prefer tho)

I will be greedy too!

Sixth Doctor <3

Could you take them in a fight? Absolutely not in a million years. He wouldn't, but I couldn't.

Would you let them cook for you? ...Yes, because I want to see how he managed to burn Peri's cold supper. I would not then eat it.

They give you a haircut! Is it any good? I feel like if the Doctor felt the need to give someone a haircut, it would be for a Reason. So it might actually be quite good!

What would they get you for your birthday, if anything? I feel like he would be a book-gifter. Goodness knows what book. Perhaps something from the future. I'd enjoy it!

If they were a YouTuber, what sort of content would they create? Would you be subscribed to them? I've been sitting here for several minutes trying to imagine Six on YouTube. You'd think he'd enjoy it, it involves talking and being looked at, but I think he'd find it unrewarding to be talking to people who aren't there. So I think he'd interview interesting people. I might subscribe! Or perhaps he would interview animals with a tiny mic, a crossover which has just occurred to me and which is now filling me with delight.

Cally & Vila

You have to choose one to erase from their series! Who do you pick? Oh that's tough. Vila's more central to the plot but Cally is my number one favorite whom I love the most. Sorry, I think I'll have to get rid of Vila; perhaps without him they'll have to let the women do more things. I hope he was erased from the series by never being caught in the first place.

Who would you rather run into in a dark alley at night? Well, Vila is definitely there to pick my pocket; Cally could kill me, if she had a reason, but she might not. (This is quite a dangerous meme for me!) So I'll pick Cally.

Who would you save from a burning building? Who would be more likely to save you from a burning building? Why do I have to choose?? Is Blake's 7 not tragic enough yet??? Well, as mentioned, I love Cally the most of all. And I think maybe Vila would be more likely to find a way out. But on the other hand, Cally absolutely should be able to find her way out (and is more likely to save me), I just don't trust anyone's luck in this show.

Who would win in a dance-off? Definitely Vila.

They swap bodies for 24 hours! How badly do they mess up (or improve) each other's lives? ...O.o Cally might be fairly relaxed about it; stranger things happen to her on the regular anyway. Vila would hate it so much. Presumably her telepathy is involved in some way... I can imagine the fic, you know!

Uljabaan, Katrina, and Lucy

Who would you rather swap aesthetics/outfits with for a day? I have no actual idea what any of them dress like, you know! But I imagine Uljabaan wears either a uniform or boring suits, and I don't really need to dress like a teenager from 2012 (I did that once already, I don't wish to relive it), and I've always imagined Katrina being quite stylish, so I guess Katrina.

Who do you team up with in a 2v2 volleyball match? Which side wins? I team up with Lucy and I think we have a chance! (For once.) I'm not very good but she might be, and she's younger than me, and Uljabaan and Katrina will not work together well.

If each of them got one million dollars, who would waste/spend their money the fastest? You'd think it'd be Lucy but it'd be Uljabaan. On Schemes. Even if all of them have access to outside-the-village purchases; if Katrina and Lucy are stuck trying to spend theirs at the charity shop, there's even less competition.

Who would die first in a horror movie? Who would be the survivor? You know, I think Lucy's periodical genre-savviness might take her a long way. So if she's the survivor, her mentor is definitely killed early on--sorry Katrina!--and Uljabaan lives to go into dark rooms, suggest splitting up to investigate, and generally plague Lucy.

They're all on the run from the law! What crimes did each commit and who is most likely to get caught? Katrina and Lucy are on the run from Uljabaan, I should think, for Resisting, who is himself on the run from the Geonin military police for Being Very Bad At This-related crimes.

[wlwhq]

hey all!! under the cut are some wanted plots for each of my muses, shoot me an im or like this if any of these are calling your name and id be happy to plot something out with ya! <3

(ps everyone's a sapphic below so give me all your sapphics plz)

soleil. late 20s. baker. jasm.in savoy brown fc. switch.

fwb where your muse is getting attached and soleil is being distantly distant as per usual

someone else in the baking/cooking/restaurant industry where they could work together??

mikayla. mid/late 20s. interior designer. saman.tha logan fc. top.

little sister's best friend ship for the angst of a secret relationship

rich well off milf for mick to work for in designing a new mansion

nora. mid 50s/early 60s. lawyer. julia lou.is dreyfus fc. top.

law student/maybe a law professor if we lean into the collegiate territory (insert crazy eyes here)

anywhere where she can be a sug.ar mommy please !!

mariana. late 30s. er doctor. americ.a ferrera fc. switch.

FELLOW DOCTORS/INTERNS/NURSES/PLZ.........

someone to help her lighten tf up

samantha. late 30s. defense attorney. sara.h snook fc. switch.

fellow older woman who can take her on a sexual Journey of discovery

another lawyer at her firm, so there can be Late Nights Working...

maggie. early 30s. dancer. ari.ana deb.ose fc. bottom.

i have a spider-woman verse pls dont let it go to waste...give me your super villains and your drastically angsty anti-heroes she will love them

also a verse with her as a backup dancer for a famous performer, touring together....it could get ga.y

rowan. early 30s. paramedic. er fi.ghtmaster fc. top.

older sibling's wife. imagine the side eyes emoji here

old ex from college that can't resist the Energy!! & hooking up

darcy. late 30s. restaurant owner. katie mc.grath fc. switch.

regular at her restaurant that's always trying to be flirty and darcy finally giving in

food blogger/food critic that's always hanging around or stopping by bc can't get enough of the food or of darce

violet. early/mid 30s. speech language pathologist. tat.iana mas.lany fc. switch.

bc vi works with a lot of kids, maybe give me your single moms??? please???

older friend of her dads who she thinks is hot pfft

georgia. late 30s. executive chef. nata.sia demetriou fc. switch.

another chef at her restaurant who she has a love/hate relationship with and refuses to give the time of day

former therapist who worked georgia through all of her shit a decade ago and now they're friends/casual??

destiny. early 30s. therapist. quin.ta bruns.on fc. bottom.

give her someone to simp over my god she's probably the softest out of my muses

grad school bestie that maybe they would occasionally hook up? and don't talk about it so they don't ruin the friendship?

syd. mid 20s. tattoo artist. kehla.ni fc. top.

tattoo clients/fwb!! she'll accept payment in head

someone they used to cam for regularly

cole. early 20s. barista. liv hewson fc. switch.

someone they look up to (professor, coworker, counselor) that understands the they/them experience

current girlfriend who goes on a cross-country road trip with them in a bid to get out of their small town and start Living

evie. mid 30s. florist. taylo.r swif.t fc. bottom.

acquantaince of her mom that she's seeing on the low low

someone who doesn't give a shit that she comes from money and doesn't care who she is (that would make her so !!!)

aurora. early 50s. tech ceo. hann.ah wadd.ingham fc. top.

i cannot stress enough how much of a sugar mom.my she is. please.

fellow mil.fs to form a mil.f alliance with

nadja. 500+. vampire badass. nat.asia deme.triou fc. switch. canon character from wwdits

LESBIAN VAMPIRE POLYCULE PLEASE!!!

also if any of y'all write as the guide i will cry

disclaimer that nadja is just a test muse of mine and i might be bad at her so PLZ

[dustteller]

Oh no, not bad healthcare for the rich people! I just feel soooo bad you know, its always such a tragedy when colonizers move here to exploit our island and puertorricans don't bend over backwards to make their lives easier! Its so waful when the sufferings of the mangey poor unwashed masses also happen to affect the wealthy and privileged!

It's already bad enough that they had to go through a power outage! I mean, they were fine, they weren't like those disgusting gross people that dared to not have enough resources to survive a sudden deadly freeze and the subsequent government mismanagement. But it was just so cold! How can their delicate rich people skin EVER survive being a bit chilly!

Of course, the solution is to move to an island with a better history with natural disasters and a much more functional power grid! Plus, its got such a storied history with piracy! I know it does, because its in the caribbean and I watched Pirates of the Caribbean once! I bet the island is perfect for my pirate adventure, just like Sir Francis Drake!

And you don't even have to interact with the locals! You get to hang out with other proper rich people, as the lord intended! God forbid you move somewhere and actually have to suffer living amongst the dregs of society, can you imagine how terrible it must be to interact with the people you're colonizing?

But like, when we moved to a poor country, we didn't think the poverty would affect US??? We're rich! It's so awful that we don't get special treatment just because we turn into a (very) expensive lobster once we're out in the sun for longer than five minutes! Its such a fucking hassle when the poors don't know their place serving us! If we have any healthcare problems, we have to waste time getting a flight somewhere with PROPER healthcare! Its so rude to treat such important guests like that, the island rabble should be ashamed of themselves for letting us be mildly inconvenienced!

Ok, sarcasm aside, I HATE these articles with a burning passion. Its always rich americans that have enough money that they can just drop everything and relocate somewhere on a whim, and they always get upset that the poor countries they're taking advantage of are, in fact, poor countries with structural issues. Its so clear they never do any research, ever, and they're always upset that they have to deal with the same issues the rest of us do. And the thing is, they're rich. They have a support system somewhere else in a better area. They can literally just move back at any time with minor worries. None of these issues are actually more than a mild inconvenience to them, because if they were, THEY WOULDN'T BE HERE. Meanwhile, us puertorricans? We actually have to live here. I have family members that have died due to the healthcare crisis on the island. So do most of my friends. We struggle to find doctors with the space to see us, and god forbid we actually need a specialist. It took my grandma with cancer weeks to be able to see a doctor that specialized in cancer treatment so she could start chemo. To recieve basic mental health care, I had to do an outpatient hospitalization because there just aren't enough therapists on the island. And that's for us, who are lucky enough to be able to afford it. Not everybody can. In fact, most people can't. I and my family are amongst the luckiest here, and even we couldn't even come close to reaching the level of americans like these. My uncle's son is severely disabled, and hes lucky that he lives in New York, so he has access to services for himself and his family. He can't even visit Puerto Rico with his family because there just aren't enough services for his son to be safe here. Him and his wife take turns visiting family every few years, usually for family emergencies. His son will probably never step foot on the island. And, again, we are the lucky ones, and we struggle a lot with the situation here.

All that is without getting into other issues here. LUMA, our power company, is incompetent. We have constant power outages. A few days ago I spent a whole day without water because the water treatment plant didn't have electricity. We were prepared, because this occurs often enough that we have so many of containers of water stored away for when it happens. It was only for a few hours, so it didn't bother us. We're used to it. During summers, its common for there to be water rationing. Basically, the government shuts down water access for one to three days, and then you get a day of water. Repeat this for weeks if not months at a time. After Maria, I didn't have power from September 20th to January 11th. Luckily, the water was only gone for a week. Do you know what the Act 20's (americans who are here for tax benefits) do when this happens? They leave. They just pack their bags and head back to whatever layer of hell they came from, and they get to have a nice time visiting their family for a bit, and then they come back and can pretend it never happened because to them it didn't. They don't have to go through this. When our issues turn from a mild inconvenience into something they don't feel like dealing with, they get to take themselves out of the situation.

We can't do that. Do you know what happens when we cant take it anymore? We have to deal with it. Or, alternatively, we get to consider the posibility of leaving our whole lives behind, not because we want to, but because we need to. To leave our friends, our parents, our homes, our whole support systems, to venture into the unknown alone. When my uncle left for New York, he did not think he was going on a pirate adventure. He was thinking about how he was going to afford rent on his own. He was thinking about how New York was where the good jobs were, and if he and his wife wanted to live a stable life, they had to make that decision. He was thinking about how he didn't know how to dress for the New York winters, and there was no one there to teach him. He was thinking about how, for those first six months, he was completely alone amongst strangers that didn't want him there. The only reason he and his wife were able to make it was because of other hispanic immigrants that took them under their wing and taught them how to do what they needed to to survive this new, unfamiliar, unflinchingly hostile place. For them, moving away from home wasn't an adventure at all. It was a shared tragedy.

I think often about leaving. I love my island so much. I don't want to leave. I've spent a few years in New York for college, and it is so difficult. I love New York, I really do, but every second I spend there I can feel the wrongness resonating down to my bones. My home is etched there in the white stone inside me, and being away from it hurts. But I did it because I know an US degree is worth more than a PR one back home. I did it because there are resources there that I can't match in Puerto Rico. I did it because I thought that if I paid my dues now, there might not come the day that I have to pay penance there forever and be buried somewhere where there will be snow on my grave.

I'm looking for a job now in Puerto Rico. One of the jobs I applied to had 850 other applicants alone. Most others are also flooded with applications. I know I'm not going to find anything above minimum wage here. Im hoping that I'm smart enough, talented enough, lucky enough to be able to claw my way up and find a way to be able to stay. I'm terrified that I will have to leave anyways, that all my best efforts will not be enough, because hard work has never saved us from having to leave.

So no, Mrs. Sarah Lindsey and Mr. Sean Flynn, I don't feel bad for you. I don't feel bad that a couple of colonizers had enough privilege to be able to describe uprooting their entire lives as "wanting a change of scenery" or "looking for adventure of some sort, a pirate adventure." The struggles you can so easily just leave when cosplaying as poor island people no longer suits you are the ones we bear for the price of being able to live in our home. And, additionally, I would like you to know that Puerto Rico is quite the ironic place to live out your little fantasy. You want to be Sir Francis Drake?

Twice the forces of Sir Francis Drake and the full weight of the English crown sailed on our capital of San Juan with the intention of turning it into another colonial holsing for the British. Twice we held him at bay. Twice we forced him to retreat, once by cannon fire, and once by attacking until his entire fleet was sieged by an outbreak of dysintery. The English would never manage to find their footing in the Spanish Americas after this. Sir Francis Drake died shitting his guts out two months later off the coast of Panama after a string of defeats, his reputation in tatters.

So yes, go ahead and live out your pirate fantasy to its fullest extent! I'm sure you'll do great!

[writerswho]

Wait, what, let's rewind. "There are fans that risk 30 different viruses to..." You mean people that consume the media without paying. Real fans would find a way to pay for the show they love, and support it, real fans wouldn't pirate a TV show they love. "But but but..." No, you don't add to the profit of the show or even the viewing figures (which are at their lowest) - you contribute nothing.

Whiny Tumblr fans that demand a show, that they don't support, caters to them at the expense of the people that made the show successful and at the expense of the show itself, isn't being a fan. Real fans aren't that selfish. Real fans don't piss and moan when someone actually tries to save the show by getting the ratings up again by appealing to the paying customers.

Would you demand a restaurant caters to you by changing its menu, only for you to steal food off other customers' plates instead of buying your own? Would you get upset if they realised they were losing money and changed the menu back to what it was? I mean, probably, but I hope not, but this is what you're essentially doing.

Ratings are in the toilet, merch sales are down, the BBC have panicked and brought DT and RTD back because they're in trouble. They've done a deal with Disney because they're in trouble. 90% of the money the BBC gets is from the license payer - something you're not - and they can no longer justify the cost to them.

Are you really so damn naive that you honestly think it's just sexists that don't like 13? The writing and acting is terrible and the show is in the worst place it's ever been creatively (retconning 60 years of lore in the Timeless Child was, shock, universally hated). It's haemorrhaged around 60% of its audience and pulled only 3.71m for a regeneration episode - that's not sexism, that's a clear and marked decline in quality. Most people don't care about a female Doctor, they care that the lore was lazily retconned in 20 seconds towards the end of Moffit's run to allow it to happen.

The writing was in decline during 12's era and continued well into 13's. The writing has been bad for years, and this is the result. Was the 20-ish% that stopped watching Capaldi also sexist? And no, real fans don't watch something that's both bad and has told them multiple times they're the problem and they're not wanted. Why? Well, for one, if you reward bad writing and bad behaviour, it doesn't get better - it gets worse.

I honestly don't have to keep debating with you, so I'm going to ask you to please leave me alone after this. I realize that your [dumb] opinion won't change, if you like RTD and think that only Tenth can save the series... actually, if you believe the series needed to be saved, that already shows me your point of view and I know better than to waste my time with people like that, especially when they hide in anonymity.

I don't understand much about technical details, but from what little I do understand, I know that the most important numbers for the BBC are the UK ones, the rest of the world doesn't count, mainly because BBC doesn't invest in anything other than their little club. Again, I could be wrong, but I highly doubt piracy will hurt the BBC in any way because what matters to they are the UK and UK only. You want to talk about profits and ratings points, fine, go ahead, you want to say real fan 'find a way', you can talk too. I don't care. Doctor Who isn't on in my country, I can turn on the telly and put on BBC and watch it straight from the source. Doctor Who is not on Netflix, Amazon, Paramount or any other streaming service we have in my country. There is no legal means of watching the series in my country, there is also no legal means of buying merchandise. Do you know what I can legally buy from Doctor Who in my country? Four comics and one book, that's all we have. No DVDs or Blu-rays. No iPlayer, because that only works in England/UK. No Britbox, because it does not work on my country. What we do have is a VPN to try to watch the episodes live, but what about those who doesn't speak English? How do you watch the episode without subtitles? How do you consume the series 'legally' on the official website? These people need to resort to other means, and there is nothing shameful in that. You don't know how horrible it is to talk about your favourite series and want to share it with people, and you can't tell them where to watch it because there simply isn't anywhere to watch it. I'm sorry if I can't give BBC my money, but it is their fault, not mine. With the distribution deal with Disney, that's finally going to change, me and thousands of other people who don't live in the UK are going to be able to watch it again and again and share it with friends because we'll finally be able to say there's a place to watch it legally. But, until then, I'm going to keep going the way I am because it's this or nothing, and I'm not going to stop watching Doctor Who. 

Again and again you mentioned the 'whiny Tumblr fans', being that it was you who came whining on my asks. All I did was show my displeasure with an attitude I can only define as cowardly on my profile without attacking or mentioning anyone [I mentioned his name in only one of several posts I made] and you came whining in my ear and talking about how RTD is the 'great saviour'. Which I don't agree with. I'm not going to get into the merits of the quality of the series and the scripts because I have my criticisms of certain details and sharing them would be like give ammunition to a donkey, and I don't need that. From the way you talk, it's easy to assume that you're probably one of those people who think the series went into disrepair the moment Tenth regenerated. And if that's the case, I really can't understand how anyone thinks Tenth's seasons are so good when they are full of flaws, just like many other seasons. In my opinion [MY OPINION], Tenth was only well written in his third season, in the first season he is an annoying-jealous-possessive-jerk and in the second season he is a complete asshole who came very close to being racist several times — specially in the episodes where he thinks he is human — and even with all these points I still watch his seasons, I watch them complaining about the shameful way Tenth treats Martha and Mickey, but I watch them anyway. Because I like the series and I like the Doctor, regardless of regeneration, even if I like some more than others.

Nobody is forced to like Thirteenth, nobody is forced to like any regeneration of the Doctor. But there's a huge difference between disliking a Doctor because you didn't connect with him or like some other version better (I know many people who don't like Tenth or Eleventh) and disliking Thirteenth simply because she's a woman — and this what happened, and to deny that fact is just untruthful. Thirteenth's numbers may not be the best, but that's because of the boycott she's been getting since Jodie was cast in the role. To mention numbers and merchandise, you have to admit that Thirteenth has had the worst marketing in the Doctor Who history. Commenting on the latest episode, the BBC left it to advertise the episode with a week to go before its premiere. Some might argue that in this case the Queen's death got in the way of marketing, but what about other episodes? What about the other seasons? From the start Thirteenth and Jodie have suffered from the neglect of the BBC who just don't seem to care about her. She had her episodes cut — Capaldi had twelve episodes a season, she had ten and then only six, nine with the episodes (you can blame COVID, but still). Besides, BBC would put Tenth in the spotlight at any given opportunity. He appeared in her games, in her comics, they did an event just for him — practically. He also got audios, books, solo comics, and stuff and more stuff. During the Thirteenth era, Tenth was the Doctor who had the most new projects, the Doctor who showed up the most. BBC didn't bring him back because he never left. And that's one of the biggest angers of some people out there, but that's another subject.

In one day, the sixtieth anniversary special had more marketing than the Thirteenth regeneration special, which at the time had no confirmed date or title. David's return is having more marketing in this last month than the Thirteenth had during its entire era, and you can argue that it's because he's 'going to save the series', but the truth is that the BBC never bothered to announce anything from the Thirteenth and now that they no longer have to worry about that, they can talk about Tenth again and again without having to pretend they care about another Doctor other than him. 

The boycott of Thirteenth isn't just because a bunch of whiny bigoted fanboys were pissed off because the Doctor turned into a woman — and that's the real reason, don't insult my intelligence by trying to say otherwise. The boycott of Thirteenth also involves the BBC being cowardly and complacent with all these people who haven't watched the series since Tenth left and hate everyone who came after him (and harassed everybody who still enjoy the show), with the BBC keeping David on speed dial, so they could use and abuse Tenth again and again every time someone complained — without even bothering to watch Thirteenth (or the others) episodes. If you want to talk about profits, you first have to admit that the BBC is their own villain. They didn't invest in Thirteenth's marketing, they didn't invest in Thirteenth merchandise, they didn't invest in Thirteenth at all, period. Thirteenth has at most a half dozen hideous dolls of dubious quality, and whose fault is that? Jodie and Chibnall or the BBC, who didn't bother to produce her merchandise? The monsters in one episode have more merchandise than the Thirteenth. And even with the BBC trying their best to bury the Thirteenth, the series still one of the BBC's most profitable productions. Impressive, huh? I wonder what her numbers would look like if the BBC cared. 

Jodie gave everything she had for the role, she was a great ambassador for the series and a great performer for the character. She did the best she could with the script she had, and if it wasn't for her, the series really could be dead now. Don't try to belittle her performance or others just to justify a dishonest point.

About Capaldi, anyone can see the problem most people have with him is due to the fact that he's older than the other actors. You want to talk about the decline of the writing in his seasons, when season nine is one of the best seasons of New Who? With season ten being just as good? And season eight is only bad because they were afraid to delve deeper into Twelfth's relationship with Clara precisely because of the prejudice against Capaldi's age, which caused an awkwardness between characters and created unnecessary disagreements between them. So, no. In his case, it wasn't sexism, but it was ageism. A problem as real as the last one in this fandom. 

Now, do me a favour and go whine in someone else's ear.

[zuzubo]

Random rant:

I hate the fact sometimes that I have vertigo. Like if I ⭐️ve myself and do a small amount of exercise or anything, I get dizzy, throw up, have migraines, and sleep for hours. But the order is all over the place. I'd be throwing up and having migraines at the same time then sleep with my head in the throw up bowl. It's horrible but then I end up having fruit for awhile because eating anything too solid makes me ill. Even going to places like Knotts and Six flags I can't go on rides that spin too much or I'd ruin the whole day for not just myself but anyone else I'm with. I feel like a constant burden. Why did I have to fall and hit my head? Why did they have freaking stairs? And why was I holding so much stuff in my hands?

I wish there was a cure that actually worked and not constant doctor appointments and having to explain what happens to me all the time. I've even told my mom that the doctor appointments are a waste of money. All they're gonna tell me is I have medicine, don't know if I'll work, and that's it. There is no cure but I wish there was. Maybe then I'll finally be normal.

[dragoninahumancostume]

I feel like I probably should ask to see a psychologist again but I hated it last time I went to one (which was the first time, so it matters a lot)

Like, in my experience doctors absolutely don't listen to you and will dismiss your worries as either nothing or a thing that you can easily fix if you just try. Because it has to be my fault that I don't try hard enough or take proper care of myself, isn't it?

It's bad enough that I have a hard time explaining how I feel (either physical symptoms or trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my mind), but it worsens it that doctors don't make me feel safe at all. They're strangers, they're adults and they're generally old enough to be my grandparent (I can't trust any adults, and the older they are the worse it is). And please, PLEASE just let me try to explain why I think I could feel the way I feel, let me give you the entire thing, let me tell you how often some thing (pain, thought or feeling) happens and how long it lasts when it happens and what I do when it happens.

Just, please, PLEASE let me tell you the full thing because it absolutely does NOT help if I tell you that my wrist hurts but you don't have the context that I'm an artist, that I constantly crack my joints, that when I write by hand I write from my wrist and that I write a lot during the year, and that I also write a lot in the phone and the constant use and movement of my thumbs can hurt me.

I really just want ONE doctor appointment, whether with a psychologist or a normal doctor for my medical check up, that doesn't feel like a total waste of money and time.

[abs0luteb4stard]

I HATE MY CONSTANT DECADES-LONG DYSPHORIA.

I WANT IT TURNED OFF NOW!

I have had no "joie de vivre" for a long time, if I ever had it. I can't tell if the bullying and PTSD killed that from me, or it just didn't exist.

I can't spend what I don't have, energy is a commodity like money. Time has already sailed away from me. And I dont have the fucking physical spoons with "CRONIC PHYSICAL × MENTAL" illness. It's to the point that I think DYSPHORIA is my personality type.

💀

I've given 20 years of "give this new doctor a try" for months and years. Nobody is any different because they're missing something. I don't know what, that's what they're supposed to figure out and fucking treat and guide me, no?

After the last psychiatrist doctor and having to do Ombudsman complaint because they are saying that I lied about missing my session and ambushed me with another doctor, and outwardly laughing at my not wanting to go with this new stranger because I'm afraid and my flying into a rage for calling me a liar, giving me an ultimatum of "do this or i won't treat you" and even both of them provoking me to more anger. With mocking laughter at me, escalating and provoking things, instead of calming things.

Is nobody equipped for curing me in 20+ years?

And that's not how it works. BUT I'm done paying for and wasting precious time on received wisdom.

They're just regurgitating this TV psychology style, self-help, hands-off bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like these cocksuckers are just keeping people from suicide because "we wouldn't want you hurting yourself or someone else" but not fixing anything. They just give you the anxiety meds and the talk session.

If you don't have the ability or the right resources to help me. Then send me someplace that does. Or are you just trying to keep a paying customer. And not cure a patient? Because you're too fucking inept.? Or what?

I don't want to hear it takes time. I've given 20+ years to this. I've been trying to fucking figure it out my whole life. On my own with my mom and dad —NO DAYS OFF, NO OTHER PATIENTS. I'm only so knowledgeable and Google ain't a fucking doctor that had to learn something.

I've decided a 4 session max with these new docs to show me SOMETHING, fix me, impress me, fuck me, I don't give a good godamn what you do.

Otherwise I'm going to beat the shit out of somebody. Okay? That's the NEW incentive. We're paying you, Move your ass, i don't give fuck if you have other patients or a family or have a fucking cat with AIDS.

You better use that moneyin giving you as a retainer to fix a bloody nose and black eye if you just stringing me along with treatment and talks and no insight or diagnosis or some godamn new information. I want that key that unlocks one of the prisons that my life had been in or else before I walk in kicking the fuck out you.

🫨😮‍💨😑

[spiderflora]

🌻The day a sweet summer child got bitten by a radioactive spider (or something along these lines)

Charlène was getting the shop ready. To be fair, she was unusually happy - or at least, showing that she was. Which was a rare occurence. Her colleague showed her the newly-arrived flowers.

-Wait, didn't we say we would *stop* buying these flowers from this... corporation? Or whatever we should call them?

Her colleague rolled eyes. Of course she would roll eyes. Everyone did.

-Yeah, yeah, sure we definitely have enough money to carefully chose where we get flowers. Maybe we should cut your pay so that every flower we get is sustainable and organic and everything you talk about all the time?

-I'm fairly certain we could... well. Buy less flowers and sell better ones. We always end up with a LOT of wastes and, hm... I'm always the one to take care of them even if

-Even if what? Sorry YOU HAVE to CHOSE to TAKE CARE of leftovers? You know you're lucky enough to have a job, right? You're not a bad worker, I don't hate you or whatnot, but don't tell ME how to do MY job.

Charlène bit her lips and twisted her wrists before glancing at the newly-arrived flowers.

-If customers learn we've been getting flowers that come from the South of France and that have been stored for some time near a nuclear central, I'm not sure they'll

-They WON'T, Charlène. They fucking WON'T. If people had enough time to learn everything they want to, we wouldn't be in that situation. Stop being so cautious. It's gonna be fine. I know you're just trying to... Nevermind. Help me unpack everything and getting everything ready before the usual grandma calls us slurs because we're late, ok?

Charlène nodded before helping out - as usual. Her colleague Sarah left for a while after some time, and the student in botanics looked around. Everything looked somehow pretty, sure. It always looked pretty and smelled "rather" good. The shop had never been in such a state - whatever it meant. But once again... For most people, it looked and smell pretty. And that was enough. Like her. She probably looked and smell pretty somehow, too.

She crouched and checked whether the plants were labelled as they ought to. Just in case. Mistakes were rare but... just in case.

-We definitely should stop buying these ones, whatever Sarah says... That's not healthy for any of us. Not to mention they're not supposed to grow in here and they'll die so easily and...

And there she goes. She couldn't stop tears rolling down her face. Why was she getting so emotionnal over flowers? Over fucking flowers?

That's just so cruel. We need to stop.

As she wiped her face, she felt something tingling on her wrist. A big spider that was definitely NOT supposed to be in this area of France.

She got startled but no scream shook her body. Just in case Sarah would get back and see her crying.

That's out of the question. And that's just a spider, I just need to get rid of her, gently and...

-Come on little spider, let us get you out of here, shall we? I just don't know if I should release you in the wild since you don't belong in this ecosystem and you may just

A bite. She felt something getting raw in her skin and her skin color turning red. Not to mention it hurt like a bitch. The spider was dead now - her hand has moved too fast for her own good.

-Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! What is going on today?! First the flowers and Sarah yelling at me and now that fucking spider and...

Tears flowed again on her face and she wiped them again.

Again, again, again.

-And I don't have a doctor anymore... Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck... And can I even leave work, I... !

She breathed in and out. As her therapist told her she should. Even if that was years ago. Or last year? Whatever. Charlène took her phone out and looked at the only one she felt like calling.

Marie-Jeannine, of course.

[whoneedssexed]

Hello, I need advice. I'm 23 and feel like im having a mini life crisis? My planned job fell through bc of covid, I can't find a job in the field I graduated in (Graphic Design) I'm not sure about going back to school bc of online class are not my strong suit. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm first generation and I feel like a failure. I want to move out but have no money. I got a job at a call center and I hate it bc its noting that I went to school with. I just feel lost and my parents can only tell me so much, my friends arnt any help bc they arnt dealing with the same situation and my boyfriend is trying to help but he majored in business and has gotten a great opportunity now so he doesn't really know how to help. I know I'm not supposed to have it all figured out at 23 but I truly don't know what to do. I feel out of place and don't want to go back to school to waste money in aomthing im not sure in. My family judges alot so that doesn't help either.

Unfortunately, for most degrees, and even for those like your boyfriend's at times, you aren't going to get a job in your field for a long time.

Arts degrees are especially tough, even something as "marketable" as graphic design.

This is the sad reality, but, it also means it is not your fault by any means. The majority of graduates do not get a job in their field, around 53%, for 3-6 months, if not much longer.

This even includes business and STEM majors. For example, even doctors, nurses, and veterinarians struggle, even engineers struggle, even programmers struggle. But, it seems like arts-related degrees get it the worst, likely because of how undervalued the arts are. So don't feel bad. It's not your fault, it's a fault with our system.

This means a lot of people get unsavoury jobs at the start, or for a while. It's difficult to find work you can do that isn't call centers, factory labour, cashiering and retail, or fast food. And we've made a world where those jobs just... suck. A lot.

So, that being said, keep job hunting for something that's less painful, on top of hunting for your field.

Some suggested places to utilize:

Indeed.com

Facebook Jobs

Linkedin

Monster

Google also now offers services

And there are more listed here. This one also has some of those, but ranks them by best in a specific category.

You might also look into staffing / temp agencies. They suck, but they're better than nothing sometimes.

And look into resources for good resume, interview, and application skills that will make you look more appealing. We have a careers tag that has some helpful tips.

Also, try practicing some self love. You didn't do anything wrong and you're not a failure.

- mod BP

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3k

Warnings: swearing, mild smuttiness

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 9 Part 11

Part 10

We eventually got up. We showered and dressed. I fed Perrin, and we ate breakfast. I asked Liam what his plans were for the day.

"Not much. I thought I would stay with you until you kick me out." He winked. "What are your plans?"

"Well, I have to kick this guy out..." I said with mock agitation. Liam feigned a look of hurt. "Not much until tonight. I'm going to Dave's house for dinner. I'll see my nephews and niece, which will be good. My Mum too, I suppose."

"Dave's your brother, right?" I nodded. "You haven't told me much about your mother. I think this is the first time you've mentioned her."

"We don't always get along. Mum's mellowed as she's gotten older, but she was a bit of a tyrant when I was growing up. She didn't like Andy. Well, she didn't like any of my boyfriends. She always judged them based on their jobs like she wanted me to end up with a doctor or lawyer or something like that. It's like she thought she'd wasted her money sending me to a private school because I found myself attracted to tradies."

"What's a tradie?

"A tradesman."

"Gotcha."

I laughed at a memory. "I used to tell my friends that if a guys hands weren't calloused enough to cause a run in my stockings, then he has no business touching my legs."

Liam burst out laughing. "Are you serious?"

"What can I say? I like a man who is good with his hands." I shrugged before continuing, "anyway, that's one reason why my mum and I didn't get along."

"What about your Dad?"

"He passed away three years ago."

"I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything for a while. I played with the crusts of my toast, breaking it into little crumbs. I think Liam sensed my mood and changed the subject. "You went to a private school?"

"Yeah," I said. "An all-girls, Catholic one at that."

"Well, that explains a lot." Liam quipped, his tone very serious, but his twitchy lip gave him away.

I narrowed my eyes and frowned. "I hate you."

Liam ignored me and cupped my face with his hands. "Kiss me." He ordered. And I did.

We spent most of the morning sitting together and talking. We spoke about the books we were reading. We found that we had similar taste in books when we talked before we met. Liam had recommended a book to me, and I had finished it a few days ago. I showed him my bookshelves, and we compared which ones we had read. He asked to borrow a couple.

Later we just sat on the lounge. We talked, held hands, cuddled, kissed, had coffee, and then some tea. We took turns patting Perrin, who had taken to Liam really well.

It got close to lunchtime, and it seemed like we were both trying to work out a way to avoid the inevitable parting. Neither of us had brought it up since breakfast. Eventually, Liam asked, "when can I see you again?"

Liam was sitting up, and I was laying on my back with my head in his lap. Liam was stroking my hair, sometimes taking a curl and twisting it around his finger. I smiled when I saw him do that since I had done the same to him earlier.

"As soon as possible," I replied. "I'm going to miss your pretty face." I reached up and patted his cheek patronisingly.

He gave me a small smile but didn't say anything. Then his god damned lip twitched.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. "I can tell when your lip twitches that you're thinking something naughty or you know something I don't know."

"My mother tells me the same thing." His lips stretched into a full grin, revealing his Hollywood white teeth.

"Well, I'm not your bloody mother, so tell me."

"I was just thinking about all the parts of you that I'm going to miss."

"You're very cheeky."

"Unfortunately for you, my mother tells me that too."

"You're a fuck knuckle," I said, smirking. "I'll bet your mother doesn't tell you that."

Liam's eyes went wide. "Bloody hell, Sweetheart. Anyone would think you didn't like me." He was smiling though.

"It's because I like you that I insult you. I'm very polite to people I don't like." I said, putting a sickly sweet smile on my face and batted my eyelashes at him.

"You're lucky you're cute." Liam leaned down and kissed me. "You haven't answered my question. When can I see you again?"

"Well, we both work all week. I guess that means we will have to wait until Friday night."

"Do you want to come to my place on Friday after work? Spend the weekend with me?"

"Ok. I'll ask Dave when I see him tonight if he will have Perrin for me. But it shouldn't be an issue."

Liam's face was unreadable for a moment. Then he smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'm already looking forward to it." He sat back and said, "well, I suppose I had better call an Uber."

I sat up and waited for Liam to book his ride. When he had finished, I said, "Call me tomorrow night. After work?"

Liam nodded. He scooped me up and sat me on his lap. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. You won't get rid of me easily." He smiled and caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Now, kiss me."

I threw my hands around his neck and kissed him hard.

Liam kissed me back, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he crushed my body into his. Our kisses became ardent, and I squirmed on his lap. I didn't want to let him go. Not ever.

I wanted him again now, and I cursed myself for letting him call for an Uber. I felt like he was part of my life like I had already given let him into my heart when I let him in this house. This sacred place. Mine and Andy's place. It seemed as though he had just blended into my life and any thoughts of the future now included him.

But I also knew enough to hold back, to remember I didn't really know him. The weekend wasn't real life. It was an illusion. It wasn't the daily grind of work, come home, sleep, do it all again. To make it worse, Liam's life wasn't normal. Would I adjust? Could I adjust? Did I even want to try?

I knew I did want to try, at least. Liam seemed worth it. Worth the risk of another broken heart, another love snatched from my grasp. If I didn't try with Liam, then who would I try with? And if I never tried, then love would be gone from my life forever.

Liam pulled away. "I had better go now, or I think I'll never leave." We got up just as his phone alerted him the driver was less than a minute away. He grabbed his bag, and I walked him to the door, and he followed behind me up the hallway.

We got to the door, and before I could open it, he turned me around and pinned me to it with his whole body. His forehead pushed against mine. He kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He ground his body against me. "Lana," he breathed. "Lana, I..." He stopped talking, kissed me again softly then pulled away.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want Liam to stop. "I'll call you tonight," I said despite our plans to call tomorrow night. I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until then. I opened the door for him.

As he walked out the door, Liam put his hand on the back of my head. He brought me to his face, and he kissed the top of my head. "As you wish." He winked and pulled the door closed behind him.

The rest of my day felt lonely. I moped around for a bit. I threw Perrin the ball for a while. He was too old these days for more than a few runs, but he still loved it. I did some washing, cleaned my bathroom and put my Ben and Jerry's tub in the bin. I painted my nails.

When the afternoon wound down, I called Riza.

"Hey, Slut!" She said when she picked up.

"Piss off," I said back.

"Well, don't keep me in suspense. What the fuck happened?"

"I don't even know where to begin."

"Well, did you fuck him?" I shook my head. If Liam thought I was direct, he should talk to Riza. I didn't say anything. She knew me well enough to know what the answer was by my silence. "'Bout fucking time." She said, and I laughed. "So tell me about him. What's his name? What does he do for work? Where does he live? Boxers or briefs?"

"Uh, his name is Liam. Liam Cross."

"Like the actor? Man, that's weird. I knew a girl once whose name was Indiana Jones. I couldn't do it cause I kept thinking about Harrison Ford."

"No, Riz. Not like the actor, he is the actor."

Stunned silence. Then, "you're shitting me."

"Serious as a heart attack."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know who he was," I told Riza about the Will/Liam thing.

"You're really not joking. Send me a pic."

"I didn't take any."

I swear I could hear Riza roll her eyes. "Of course, you didn't. You never do!" Then she shouted, "Hey Jen! Lana..."

"Riza! No, no, no!" I shouted.

"Fucked Liam Cross," she finished.

I hung my head. Fuck. I could trust Riza, but Jen, I wasn't sure of. She spent all day on Instagram and Snapchat. I didn't know if she could keep quiet.

"You there, Lansey?" I heard Jen talking in the background. "Hang on a sec, what's that, babe?" More Jen talking. "Oh shit, you looked good on Friday night Lans, no wonder you got fucked."

"How do you know what I wore Friday night?"

"Jen found pics."

"That quickly?"

"Yeah, they're everywhere. Some of you guys at a shop too. Hey, that's the shop near Mike the Butcher, right?"

This was news to me. I knew they took pictures, but I didn't think they were posted. I should have though. Why wouldn't they be? "Fuck."

"Did you just meet him? On Friday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's this one picture of you two, and he's touching your cheek. You two look like you're in love," she teased, making love sound like llllooooouuuuv. "Ha! There's Perrin!"

"Is my name mentioned? Do they know who I am?"

"Doesn't look like it. You two look perfect together."

"Tell Jen not to say anything. Please?"

"Yeah, yeah, no worries."

She kept talking, but I'd had enough. "I've gotta get going," I said.

"Lans, you ok?" She knows me too bloody well.

"Yeah," I bit my lip and took some deep breaths. "It's a lot to take in, you know. He's bloody famous, it's like, I don't want that shit in my life."

"Is he worth it?"

"I think so. I mean, he's a sweet, kinda daggy guy who happens to be built like Hercules and sexy as fuck. What's not to like?"

"I always thought he was gay."

Before I could stop myself, I said, "He's definitely not gay. I'd never believe a gay guy could growl a girl out like he does." I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Riza yelled, "yas girl! You got a keeper!"

I laughed. "Fucking hell. Alright, Riz, I've really got to go. Say hi to Jen. Don't say anything!" Riz agreed, and we hung up.

Dinner at Dave and Lucy's was mostly uneventful. I jumped with the kids on the trampoline and played some wrestling on the PlayStation. My mum wasn't too much of a bitch. I forgot about the pictures and didn't think about Liam for a while. I needed that. I felt like the weekend was such a whirlwind and so much happened I needed some time to get back to normality, something familiar.

After dinner, Mum went home, and the kids wanted to watch a movie. I got on the lounge with the two older ones, Charlie and Harry and went through Netflix. Lucy had taken Lilly to bed. I saw Liam's face in one of the movies thumbnails, and I groaned. It was the one where he was a superhero. It was nearly ten years old. Though it didn't seem possible, he was even more handsome now. I quickly flicked past it.

"No, Aunty Lanny, I want to watch that one," Harry said.

"Isn't it too scary?"

Dave called out from the kitchen, "it's their new favourite. They've been watching it all week."

"Then we can watch something else," I said.

Both boys protested. I half relented. "Have you seen the sequel?" It had much less screen time for Liam since he had teamed up with a couple of other superheroes in that one.

"There's a sequel?" Charlie was excited.

So we watched the sequel. I'd seen it before, but it was weird watching it now. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Although it was obvious that Liam was the actor, it was surprisingly easy to forget him and believe he was really the character.

He looked different to the Liam I knew. His hair was lighter, he was clean-shaven, and even the way he held his face was different. The way he moved and mannerisms weren't Liam's either. His voice was different too. The most apparent change there was the accent. Those harsh American tones seemed so strange after hearing his soft Queens English ones. Although, scenes with his shirt off still made me think of Liam.

After the movie I said goodbye to the kids, and they went to bed. I asked Dave if he would watch Perrin next weekend. I tried to sound casual about it, but Dave knew me better than that.

"Girls weekend?" He asked. I tried to say yeah, but I blushed, and he knew it wasn't a girls weekend.

Dave was eight years older than me, the same as Liam. I adored Dave. I remember following him around as a kid, wanting to do everything he did. As we got older, I watched the same movies he did, read the same books he did and listened to the same music, which is probably why I prefer 90s music to 2000s music.

He was sweet about it for the most part. He even got me alcohol a few times when I was 17 and took me to the pub with his mates when I was 18. He was protective though. Not one of his mates was allowed to touch me. It had made me mad at the time, especially when I had the hots for his best mate Chris since I was 12. So when he worked out that I was probably going to be spending the weekend with a guy, I expected him to freak out. He didn't.

"Is he a good bloke?" Dave asked. "Treating you well?"

"Yeah, he is." I couldn't help but smile.

Dave grunted, "I can tell by the look on your face, you are smitten. Alright then, Perrin can stay."

"Thanks, Dave. Don't tell mum."

"Yeah, Nah. I'm not stupid."

I went home and got ready for bed straight away. I was mentally exhausted, but I still called Liam. Not only because I said I would. I did miss him in my bed already. I felt lonely again. Of all the things about being married I missed, sleeping with somebody else in the bed was high on the list.

When I went to call, I was confused for a minute because I couldn't find his number. Then I remembered he was in my contacts as Will. I changed the name and called him. I hoped I wasn't calling too late.

"Hello, Sweetheart." Liam's voice sent a ripple of excitement through me.

"Hey," I said. "How was the rest of your day?"

"Good. Do you want to FaceTime?"

"I'm in bed."

"Me too." He said, and I heard the ring of FaceTime come through the phone.

I answered. Liam's face appeared. So did his naked shoulders. Sweet Jesus, he couldn't fit in the frame.

"Much better," he said, smiling. "How was your day?"

"Ok, I just hung around at home then saw the fam. Dave said he would have Perrin next weekend," I got flustered thinking about it. I cleared my throat. "So yeah, that's sorted."

"Excellent. I'm really looking forward to it. How was the family? Was your mum ok?"

"Yeah, she was good. The kids are fans of yours, by the way."

He gave a short laugh at this. "Really? Did you tell your family about me?"

I said I didn't and told him about the kids and the movie. "They loved it. I liked it too." I told him about how it was strange to watch him act after actually knowing him, and for a lot of the time, I had forgotten it was him. I just believed the character and enjoyed the story.

"Thank you." Liam seemed genuinely pleased. "That is the aim of what I do."

"I did tell Riza about you. Her wife, Jen, found pictures of us almost immediately."

"Did you see the ones from yesterday?"

"She told me about them, but I've not seen them."

"You ok?"

I shrugged, "it is what it is. I asked them not to say anything about us."

Liam changed the subject and showed me he had started one of the books he had borrowed. Once again, I was grateful that he seemed to know my mood and not push me.

We talked for about ten minutes before I started yawning.

"I better let you go. You're tired, Sweetheart."

"Yeah," I said as a yawn overtook me. "I think you're right." I blinked several times, my eyes watering from the yawns. "Call me tomorrow night?"

"I definitely will. Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Liam." I fell straight asleep.

Part 11