#i have felt very deeply unwanted for Years because i was unwanted

[winged777]

also not to be horny on main but,…. man i would love to feel wanted and desired

[bluespiritshonour]

Oh my God!

I just caught up with World's Finest: Teen Titans and I absolutely have to write this out:

First of all, I love this cover:

The thing that caught my eye: “you're grounded.”

Not the dramatic “you're fired” as if the motherfucker didn't raise that damn kid in his own damn house for YEARS.

(I know. I know. Bar on the ground, but what would you?)

Also, the anger palpable on Bruce's face and Dick's absolute disregard for it. I'm laughing here y'all. This is what teenagers act like. This is what fights between parents and children look like.

Also. Dick Grayson, I've been missing. You're back from war!

I love how curt he is. The “Get lost” hits in all the right places. We love a strongly-principled character that stands for what he believes in. With all the lukewarm Dick Grayson writing floating around I felt like walking into a coffee shop while it's snowing outside.

More of this writing, please.

I'd been waiting for this moment all through this series.

This conversation.

I compare things all the time. It might not be the right thing in every field but I think it serves well when it comes to comic books. We all have personal “canon criteria”—for example, mine are “Darwyn Cooke wrote this Bruce so I'm taking it as valid characterisation ” or “Every version of Bruce played by Kevin Conroy is valid”. (Minus Bruce Timm bullshit!)

Which was what cinched my hatred for Bruce after reading a Robin short story that Cooke wrote and alluded to Robin: Year One in it. I mean, I might not fuck with Dixon, but am I going to call even Cooke's Bruce OOC? No. It means Bruce is a jerk. Full stop.

Waid is one of the writers I respect (excluding Kingdom Come. I hate it and I can't put my finger on the why. But I just do: I hate it. I hate it for Clark. I hate it for Diana. And I'm a professional Bruce-hater so let's not even go there. I hate it for Dick too.)

And Dick and Bruce's relationship has a lot of baggage from the fact that a) Bruce is himself traumatised and fails to meet Dick's emotional needs b) he wasn't ready to be a father when he adopted Dick c) Dick simply suffers from being the eldest—the test child.

And very rarely have I seen writers manage to walk on the thin line of complicated-but-dedicated-and-strong.

Young Justice cartoon did it. Dick and Bruce's relationship is going strong. But they fight and have different values. And Dick can see all that is wrong with Bruce's approach to vigilantism in particular and life in general.

Grimm (Legends of the Dark Knight #149-154) did it right. Where Bruce hurt Dick deeply and made him feel unwanted all the while overthinking about Dick's well-being. Way to go, buddy! You can see the repercussions it has for Dick while simultaneously stare at this man who's tying himself into knots trying to think how best to parent.

I think that's what most Bruce and Dick comics miss: the excessive worrying. They don't show the worry, make them fight for drama, never address it apart from throwing out a “it's because Bruce's worried” (bitch, where?) and have Dick running back to Gotham at the first chance. It sounds an awful lot like “your parents hurt you 'cause they love you” bullshit.

I think World's Finest manages it well because foremost, Bruce says, in words, that he's worried about Dick's well-being. He's taciturn, he's putting constant pressure on Dick all in the hopes of making him quit Titans. All this makes him a jerk. But I don't hate him for it.

It's between Dick's “you don't trust me” and Bruce's “no, I don't trust them.”

Most teenagers clash with their parents. It's normal. That's what Waid has shown here and I love it. It feels very—normal?

Especially when the Bats aren't normal! Bruce sure as fuck ain't a normal parent. But there was something very bitter-sweet coming-of-age in this conversation.

Bruce does all those things that are bad for Dick and his growing independence. You're not supposed to handle teenagers like that.

He's worried and taking desperate measures. “If I punish him, then maybe he'll obey me and quit Titans and then he'll he safe”—lots of parents who don't know how to deal with teenagers do it.

But the sequence of it: Bruce is worried → Bruce wants Dick to quit Titans → for Dick it means proving himself to be better, to not get hurt (as if he can control that beyond a certain point) → Bruce being alarmed at Dick's insistence to stay with the Titans and taking desperate measures like benching him.

At least it makes sense.

Compare it to Dixon's Nightwing origin story, which honestly, personally I think was lazy writing. Drama for drama's sake. “You’re fired because you're spending too much time with the Titans.” The same writer also had Bruce say that he did it because he wanted Dick to strike out on his own. Blah, blah, blah.

And no matter whatever happens he'd never ever say it to Dick's face that he's worried about him because—well, reasons.

Robin: Year One logic:

I'm worried about Dick's health so I fire him. He runs off and can get hurt? He joins a school for assasins? None of my business. He can get hurt on his own, I don't care as long as it is not on my conscience. Peace.

—Bruce “professional narcissist” Wayne.

So, yes. When faced with this book(WF: TT), I'd call Dixon's writing lazy.

I'm also comparing this to several other instances when Bruce verbally says (never to Dick, mind you) that he loves that Dick's a better person and better vigilante than him. But in the same book he'd yell at Dick for exactly the same thing. (I consider that lazy writing, since BTAS made sure to show a shot of Bruce smiling whenever Dick was happy/not like him).

I like this thing here where he says it to Dick's face. He's still grounding him for “discipline's sake” or whatever—very, very IC for Bruce.

But he also lets Dick know that he appreciates his values, that are different—better—than Bruce's own.

I can stomach that.

Honestly Bruce's writing in this book felt like BtAS writing (pre-Bruce Timm fuckery). That's a compliment.

P.S. Waid's a good story-teller overall. His Superman: Birthright was one of the first Superman comics I read and I fell in love with Clark right away.

Peace ✌️😂

[wosoluver]

Not good at saying goodbyes.

Part 2/4 - previous - next

Lena Oberdorf × Reader

Lena Oberdorf Masterlist

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

And here you were about to turn 23, you were a late bloomer in football. Only having a big boom in the past two years, playing for Barcelona.

You were set to play the euros for your national team, as you already did play for the qualifiers. You had finally been called up to play, and represent your country. That was, Spain. Despite being born and raised in Germany, you were only a little girl. The most memories you had in football was unfortunately made in Spain. It had been almost 15 years. So it felt like the right thing.

If someone would have told you that then, you would never believe them. You would say there was no way, and you would take the first chance you had, to go 'home'.

But you followed your path, with the best opportunities you had, presented to you. And that's how you ended up where you were now. On a top team, being among awarded players. And you were happy. Really. But something was always missing, and you couldn't figure out what it was.

Asking for a transfer to Bayern Munich as a loan, was a slight desperate try, at trying to fix that feeling.

And the deal had been settled.

And you were feeling great and confident, despite knowing you would have to sooner or later face your old friend, but for only 90 minutes max.

Your plans had been frustrated when a week after the announcement over your contract, Bayern announced another transfer. From Wolfsburg. The very same girl you couldn't stop worrying about.

You deeply hoped you would be better at hello, better than you ever were at goodbyes.

Not knowing where to start was tough. After all, besides the loss of contact, you had so many chances of reconnecting. But you both chose not to.

You, because you were extremely scared of the rejection. And her, simply because she was still not over how betrayed she felt, even after all this time.

You didn't know what you were expecting, but being humiliated by having your existence ignored, was not on your list of possibilities.

You came in, to get ready for your first day. Georgia came over to try and fit you in.

"Hello! It's nice to have you here already! Your spanish right? Do you have a german family? You have a german last name."

"Well yeah, I was actually born here, but I grew up there."

"Really? But you play for the national team no?" she asked as you two moved outside.

"Yes, played for them first time this year."

"Hola!" - said Giulia coming close to you.

"She's speaks english and german probably." - said Georgia stoping her friend from embarrassing herself with bad spanish.

"Yes, english or german, or spanish, whatever you prefer."

"We're so excited to have you here, come I'll take you around, you can meet everyone."

And you did. But when you were about to approach Lena and Lea, she simply walked away.

"Hey, sorry about her." - said Lea, with a tight lip smile.

"It's fine."

But it hurt. And it was only going to get worse.

Every chance she had to pass you the ball, she didn't. Everyone noticed at this point. And in the locker room, she didn't make an effort to hide the fact that your presence bothered her.

From that day on, that's what it was like.

You knew you deserved a cold shoulder, but this was too much, and it started taking a tow on you.

You decided to move back to Germany, trying to fill a small void you had deep down, not to make it feel worse. Had you made the right decision?

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

"Good morning Y/N!" as she caught up with you on the parking lot.

"Morning Georgia."

"I know it's none of my business and you probably don't even know, since you just met. But is there something wrong between you and Oberdorf?"

"Uhm-" in a way you were kinda glad to be cut off.

"I'm sorry it's just been so weird. We've never had something like this happen in the team."

"I'll try talking to her."

You hated the unwanted attention, especially on something you were so sensitive about.

But she was one of your captains, if she came up to say something like that, it was probably because she wanted to sort it out.

Lena's pov

"You need to try and be more subtle, the girls are worried about the team's harmony." said Lea to her friend.

"I'm not going to play my feelings down!"

"I'm not asking you to. But at least inside the pitch, you need to put your feelings a side momentarily. You can't let this harm our team's performance."

"See that's exactly what your doing!"

"Lena! You just got here. You can't risk this over pride. You don't need to talk to her, just play football like I know you can."

This time she only nodded. This couldn't be bigger than her career. And that she agreed on.

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

reader's pov

During training today, it felt like something was different. Besides the fact you had fallen in the same group as Lena. And you two did football like you used to. So much, you had beaten the opposite group on 5-1. Something that hadn't happened yet since your first day. Her passes from the middle field to your position as a left winger, made sure that most balls got into the penalty area so Lea and Pernille could manage goals.

The way she had been acting made you think something between you had changed. That gave you a little hope as you went to talk to her, later in the locker room.

"Hey... I just wanted to- I wanted to apologize." - You said barely above a whisper.

"I don't want your apologies. I'm not doing this for you."

"Still, I need to apologize. There's no excuse to what I've done and-"

"Your right there's no excuse." she said dryly as she walked away.

You felt like someone grabbed your heart that was already holding on to it's pieces, and smashed it against a wall.

You never thought you would see this side of her. In reality that part of her had only been created after the harsh reality had hit her all those years ago.

Like you had drove her to create the best side of her. The kind, funny and quick witted one, you had managed to do the same, but for the worse.

You moved as quick as you could, into a stall, and cried your eyes out, as quietly as possible. Not quiet enough though, apparently.

"Y/N? It's Giulia." She said softly as she sat down next to you, outside the stall. "Do you need anything?"

You were quiet for a few minutes.

"A hug?" whispering back.

You sounded like a little girl, scared off by the monsters under her bed.

"Of course."

You got up and unlocked the door, as you walked into her arms.

"You don't owe me an explanation. But if you need to talk, I'm here."

"Did you hear any of it?"

"Yeah."

"We were childhood best friends. When I had to leave the country. I didn't say goodbye. I couldn't."

"How old were you?"

"About eight."

"You were just a kid!"

"It's still my fault."

"Honey no! You were so young, I can't imagine how it was for you. You were about to lose everything you knew. You can't spend the rest of your life carrying this weight!"

"Well even if it was a child's mistake, I have lost her forever. If I could go back in time I would."

"I believe you. Just give her a little time, and she'll see it too. What you two did today was amazing! You guys were synced like one. I saw a slight tiny smile on her face when you assisted those two goals."

"Really?"

"Yes, it was in her eyes. She is really good at keeping a straight face, but I'm better at reading people."

"Thank you. I haven't talked about this in years."

"I'm here. Now let's get you home, do you need a ride?"

"No, I'm good, I drove here."

"Okay. Anything, you call me, yeah?"

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

We'll probably have four or five parts on this fic 🩷

[shinoposting]

A comprehensive guide as to why Aburame Shino is peak Autistic Representation

Very long post under the cut!

( This is poorly organized and doesn't actually include everything, but you know :] )

It starts with the flashback to when Torune was taken and flashbacks to early academy days, during which Shino is about 7.

He showed no interest in playing with other children, or in making friends. He didn't see a point in talking to people who didn't want to discuss his special interest, which he dedicated all his free time to, and he didn't emote when Torune was taken away, even though it impacted him very deeply. Even as a small child he talked "like an adult", monotonous, strange phrasing, over-explaining, and too quietly. When he wasn't being ignored by his classmates, they were trying to use him.

Later on when you see him socialize more, in Pre-Teen and Teenage years, more things become apparent.

In general he seems semi-verbal, most of the time silent, and becomes agitated when forced to repeat himself. Konoha Hiden expands on this, saying that he wishes people just knew what he meant and felt without him having to talk, and that he is bonded to Akamaru because he feels that Akamaru is the only one who he can communicate with in that way. When he's upset he isolates and at one point is even seen hitting his head when he was trying to cool down and was interrupted by unwanted social interaction.

He doesn't understand why people need to see his face, and usually doesn't look in the direction of the person he is addressing. He also doesn't understand jokes, rarely laughs, and angrily dissects puns…but then later puns become his entire sense of humor. He's never dressed for the season, either. Aburames tend to be very covered up by default but besides his Part 1 outfit he is always in multiple layers regardless of the season. (Year round trench coats are a huge autistic stereotype.) He gets along better with people outside of his age group, respected by adults and looked up to by younger kids who think he is cool and knowledgeable. Konoha Hiden also states that during this period he was suffering with comorbid Anxiety and Depression.

There's a lot of black and white thinking on display, for example he is anti-alcohol-- obviously he would have been taught not to drink as an Aburame, but he also doesn't like when others drink. He sees it as universally bad. He's a stickler for the rules and often scolds his peers for not following rules and guidelines. He also seems like a bit of a prude even though it is suggested that he himself has a dirty mind (noticing girls' cup sizes and the implications of Road to Ninja treating his Personal Business as a personality trait) which is a funny hypocrisy I have noticed in a lot of autistic people. He holds a hell of a grudge and ruminates endlessly, which is documented at higher rates in autistic people due to rigid thinking.

He is trying to make friends like Torune wanted, and is now aware that not having friends is a bad thing. He starts feeling the pain of being ostracized not only in general but also by his friend group and isn't even sure if he has friends. He is 17 years old before he understands what allistics consider friend status.

We start to see some of his sensory issues pop up too. He is seen wearing sunglasses even at night and while sleeping. He hates any food that smells strongly and his favorites are pretty bland. He pulls a piece of meat out of his mouth, in public, uncharacteristically violating taboo. He was able to identify the number of people in a distant group only by sound at a time when this would have been above his skill level. (Which makes sense. Team 8 is thus Eyes, Ears, Nose. More on this later.) By Boruto, he has added ear protection and stronger eye protection that he wears when he is expecting to be near fluorescent lights or crowds. Suddenly his overall mood is greatly improved and he can smile openly.

He shows signs of hyperempathy in being overly distressed when losing insects, as he has many millions of them, and having an exaggerated physical response to anticipating Sakura and Naruto's despair.

He has chronic bitchy resting face and is extremely blunt to a a degree of being insulting, which makes people assume he is a mean person. He also comes across as pedantic to his peers, when from his perspective he's just didactic, and even though he over-explains everything his peers still have difficulty understanding what he's saying.

He will also randomly connect the topic of discussion to his special interest and begin infodumping about bugs, and isn't aware that people around him are not interested or worse, repulsed by his special interest until told, at which point he feels personally hurt. Generally his interests are very stereotypical of an autistic person: bugs, comics, ecology, strategy, etc.

He seems level-headed and robotically analytical until he reaches a certain threshold when he suddenly over-emotes in dramatic and awkward ways.

You might notice that when his hands aren't in his pockets, he doesn't seem to know what to do with them; they're always balled into fists, which smells of someone who was taught not to stim. Even so, when he gets really excited in Konoha Hiden and is being himself, he starts spinning around. His speech quirk preceding frequent over-explanations (Why? Because... / The reason is because...) is also considered a type of echolalia.

Mentioning Hiden, in the Blank Period we start to see changes associated with the autistic experience of starting to understand that you are awkward, not knowing how to fix it, and all the anxiety that comes with that. He is stuck riding the lag train and is fully ready to become a hermit in the woods.

He isn't understood in the way that he wants to be understood. He can't let himself get comfortable in other people's homes. He uses his trench coat as a barrier between himself and other people, treating it like a security blanket. He still doesn't understand how his choice of attire affects people's perception of him and becomes agitated when he's told it makes him look suspicious. He doesn't appear to be pursuing any intimate relationships, and displays a lack of boundaries when picking Choji up with his insects when he gets excited.

The lag train becomes even more apparent in Boruto. He hasn't found a partner, his friends are growing even further away from him, and possibly worst of all he's seen as more childish-- too grown-up as a kid, too immature as an adult.

He is masking extremely heavily for the sake of his career, mirroring Iruka, removing almost all of his personal identity from his appearance including the parts that made him feel safe-- everything has to be professional. This actually hurts his ability to work with kids because he already knew how to talk to them, but he is now trying to emulate the image of a teacher for the sake of professionalism.

In the classroom he struggles with things I have seen real-life autistic teachers talk about: He works well with the younger kids, they love him and his fun facts, but the older ones can tell that there is something different about him and they will ignore or outright bully him. It's very difficult to control them or hold their interest. (He later develops stomach problems due to stress from working with said older kids)

The big problem is that he is not good at masking. In traditional settings with very clearly defined roles and rules of how to act and what to say he gets by just fine, but in organic interactions it's nothing but spaghetti and this causes him severe stress. He is proud of himself for being able to speak to many people in a day now but at what cost? Pattern recognition and rigid thinking of course leads to rumination spirals, and under extreme pressure he starts reverting to childish things. He has only had Kura-maa a short time before he becomes attached and starts personifying it. This may seem childish, but autistic people are more likely to do this and will continue to do so later into life than their allistic peers. (See Object Personification in Autism: This paper will be very sad if you don’t read it)

He has become a real people-pleaser, allowing himself to be imposed upon constantly, and apologizes excessively even for situations that were not his fault, which are both behaviors many autistic people pick up. And, for all his masking, he can't hide that he is still terrible at understanding and constructing metaphors, ie "bad insects" and the yakisoba bun analogy.

He is trying his damnedest to adapt and accommodate himself in a rapidly changing world that wasn't very friendly to him to begin with. He was able to slide under the radar as respectable and somewhat normal when the world was as rigid as he is. Now every day he's facing new challenges that he isn't used to and he's acting a little fucked up and neurotic, overcompensating and making it worse.

So yeah, maybe he's not 'cool' by most standards. Not everyone gets a happy ending where they become the most ideal version of themselves. Not in real life, and not in animes that have hundreds of characters. What's important is that he is exactly on the trajectory set by previous installments to the series and very accurately and thoroughly depicting autistic struggles in every aspect of life. And that's pretty cool to me. :)

[effydiaries]

Alone but not Lonely

I used to think that being alone meant I would inevitably feel lonely. I've always tried to surround myself with people to avoid that feeling of being by yourself, just you and your own thoughts. I've always felt things very deeply, I've always felt other people's emotions madly and strongly. I always hated it. I hated that I felt too much, thought too much, talked too much. I used to hate my brain for it.

This year some of the people I loved most left me. I was left abandoned and alone. I didn't know how to deal with it. I couldn't see the beauty in life anymore. I didn't see the point in anything. What's the point of being so full of love if you have no one to share it with? Well, I've learned that I can share it with myself. Being alone can be the most beautiful experience. It helps you grow, it helps you learn more about yourself. You realize you love or hate certain things. You're no longer influenced by other people's judgments or opinions. You are the only one experiencing whatever it is you're going through. Its hard yes, its extremely fucking hard but it is possible to be alone and enjoy it. You can light a candle or some incense and read a book while having coffee on your balcony or your window, you can smile at strangers in the street and make their day, you can take a hot shower on a cold, cold day. You can sit down and write out all your thoughts and emotions. At least that's what I like to do. I like to sit down with my journal and drink a coffee while enjoying whatever view I have. Being alone is part of growing up, it's part of your journey to independence. I never thought my 20s would be so hard, but they are and that's okay. I am still learning how to enjoy my own company. Sometimes unwanted thoughts appear and you know what I do? I write them all away. I put them on a piece of paper and remove them from my brain.

I am still so scared of the future but I'm also excited. I've realized that people come and go. They leave a bit of themselves in you, they teach you something and then they go. That's part of growing up.I used to be scared of the future because I thought I'd be alone forever. Now I'm only afraid of all the possibilities that may come my way. They're scary but exciting. 

I feel like I'm in a new stage of my life, a stage where I can grow and heal and take care of myself. Truly take care of myself. I will occupy my time with all the things I love. I will read, paint, write, and dance. I will enjoy those little moments in life that make it so beautiful, even if I am alone doing it.

[taylortruther]

Hello!!

I recently discovered your blog and I love the way you voice your opinions. I'm not a Swiftie per se, but I am deeply interested in her discography and I follow the Eras Tour a lot(especially the surprise songs), so yeah. I had a theory about Taylor and Joe but i never shared it with anyone because it felt like crossing into the parasocial territory lol, but i feel like I can share it with you!

So I always had this thought that Taylor used to think that she will probably slide into a sort of a "veteran" territory of musicians- not like she will not release music at all, but her music will never catapult her to the level of success she had with Fearless or 1989 (like she said in Miss Americana), especially during Lover. So many performances and interviews during Lover to push that album as compared to little or no interviews and promotion during Midnights and TTPD (Yes, they were promoted too but it was more of a marketing push than her own efforts to promote it via interviews and performances). And she was not wrong, especially the way women are treated in music and acting fields as soon as they touch 30. Folklore was a surprise drop, and she probably dropped it with a thought that only her dedicated fanbase will enjoy it, like what happens with music veteran musicians drop. That period where she wrote Folklore and Evermore were probably the closest glimpse in Taylor and Joe's ideal life together in future- away from the prying eyes, living in peace, them collaborating on Taylor's music and Taylor supporting his career. After all, it worked very well for them during Reputation. It was sort of an unspoken path they silently agreed on. But then Folklore and Evermore gave her commercial as well as critical success, her rerecordings of Fearless and Red (which were also a project she thought will only be enjoyed by her fans) compounded that success- and she finally understood that this is her chance to have that level of success again- and she thought that Joe will support her. But probably their ideas of moving forward sadly clashed with each other. She was not only breaking their silent pact, but she was moving towards that level of success he was not comfortable with on a personal level at all. And the sad part is that I totally understand both of them. If someone as ambitious as Taylor was given a chance at success after thinking for years that she simply won't, it's so natural to take that chance. I would have too. But if your partner is wildly successful, it not only creates this unwanted resentment in your head but you're also scrutinized for not "stepping up". She kept choosing that "pain", and he kept wanting it "comfortable".

(Again, not wanting to step into the parasocial territory. I do not know these people and I cannot speak for them, but yeah. Just some thoughts based on her discography because Midnights was such an interesting era for me)

i think some of this is supported by ttpd - there was resentment and uncertainty he even wanted to be with her ala so long london, "he was a hot house flower to my outdoorsman," she said she tried dimming the shining in the epilogue! we don't know for a fact that joe hated she was successful because it made him feel lesser, but she does at one point say (about joe or matty) "you said i needed a brave man then proceeded to play him" implying that part of swindle was that he told her her life was too big, too complicated, too hard for anyone but someone willing to handle it all.

and it's just a really common phenomenon in relationships: growing apart, growing resentful, being in denial, not being able to give each other what you want. that's why "all breakups are the same" is the tagline here!

thanks for your thoughts bestie, interested in hearing more if you feel like sharing!

[quotergirl19]

This is the story of the death of Colin Bridgerton the boy and his rebirth as Colin Bridgerton the man. But not just any man, Penelope Featherington’s man:

Colin went to Featherington house to propose to Penelope after their unexpectedly passionate carriage ride the night before. He hadn’t seen it coming but he spent the entire night after they parted wishing that he was still with her, imagining her as his lady, as his wife… and he didn’t know how it happened but frankly he didn’t care about the how’s and why’s or even that she was Whistledown. Because he wanted that future, a future with Penelope as his wife. He wanted her more than he had ever wanted anything before in his life and he was about to make it known. If only he wasn’t so nervous…

Colin: Good day Pen, I hope you do not mind my unexpected visit but I was eager to speak with you after… well. It is only that… you see… my behavior last night was… ungentlemanly and I very much wish to make amends. I shall see to it that you have your dream wedding. You need only tell me your hearts desire and I will make it happen. Anything for my bride. Oh! Goodness, here I go getting ahead of myself, the least I can do is ask you properly… Miss Penelope Featherington, I am here to ask for your hand. Will you marry me?

Colin was disappointed in himself for not courting her properly and clearly he should not have behaved the way he did with a lady before marriage but he was determined to make it right and once his ring was on her finger, Colin was certain that life with Penelope would ensure his future happiness and he couldn’t wait until he could call her his, forever.

He realized that his proposal did not start off well. He should have planned a speech and rehearsed a bit to make it at romantic as possible. Penelope deserved a romantic proposal, he’d clearly cheated her out of a romantic courtship… in truth they had no courtship at all. They’d just come to know each other well over the years.

Penelope looked stunned, actually she looked like she might be sick. But she composed herself and spoke her response slowly, as though she was struggling to maintain her composure. Colin recognized the look on Penelope’s face from the night of his sister Daphne’s first ball as the Duchess of Hastings when he’d told Pen he was leaving town. She’d looked crushed and saddened as she spoke.

Penelope: Colin, I appreciate this more than you can know, I know you are an honorable man so I can imagine how deeply you must regret what happened between us. But I do not intend to force your hand. I know you were not… yourself at the time and you do not deserve to pay for what was clearly a mistake. Not with the rest of your life. You have my word, I will never tell a soul. You do not have to marry me. Now, please get off your knee before my mama comes in and you find yourself stuck with me.

Colin felt it in his bones that this was right, that he and Penelope where fated somehow… meant to be. So how could he have bungled this so badly that the only woman in the world he could not live without was so unaware of his affection for her that she would believe he would think marrying her was an unwanted obligation. He had to make it clear that he wanted this, wanted her. Forever.

Colin: Penelope I could never feel stuck with you. I truly believe that we would be happy together, I know it. I only wish I had been more respectful of you as a lady and courted you properly. But I swear I will be a good husband to you.

Penelope closed her eyes and shook her head refusing to accept his words.

Penelope: You must have rehearsed this because I almost believe you.

Colin: You misunderstand. I only mean to make it clear that I want to marry you Pen.

Penelope: Please stop. Lies are beneath you and we both knew even as you took me in your arms that what was happening between us meant nothing. Not really. Not to you. Men take their pleasure with women they do not care for everyday, do they not? I have heard it said that passion is fleeting and most dangerous for the woman but I allowed it because I knew in my heart that it would be my only chance to know what it could feel like if you were mine. But I am not so foolish as to believe you would ever choose me. I have accepted the truth, so I cannot marry you.

Colin: But I have chosen you. I am choosing you Penelope. What are you saying? What is it that you have finally accepted?

Penelope: That I am not the sort of wife anyone would expect a man like you to take. I am no mysterious beauty... I may be good enough to be your friend but you were very clear that I do not count as a woman in your eyes. You would never really choose me for a wife. You’re only asking me out of your sense of honor and obligation. In time you would grow resentful towards me and regret this decision. I am certain.

Colin: You are wrong, please, I must insist that you stop and think about this Penelope. I’m asking you because I want you. I realize how it seems but you are not forcing my hand.

Penelope: I know you are a good man Colin, but I also know that you do not love me. One day you will realize that this is what is best for both of us.

Colin: I will not dishonor you by not marrying you. Penelope we shared more than an innocent kiss, what happened between us, it was… intimate. It was our souls that touched. I cannot and will not pretend like it meant nothing.

Penelope could bear no more, she could not stop the tears that fell as she finally said what she was clearly hoping to not have to say.

Penelope: Have you considered what would become of me if I married you because of this. Because I have. It is all I did last night. We would stand before God and our families and you would vow to love me, knowing that your heart would never be mine. If I were your wife you know that I would give you everything. My heart, my body, my future… but I would know every day for the rest of my life, no matter how you pretended, that deep down you would always wish you were free of me. Free to share your life with a woman you could actually love. That any life I built with you would be little more than a friendship turned burden that you tolerated out of guilt. And I could not bear it Colin. Not when you are the only man I have ever… oh after all these years I am unashamed to admit the truth because I believe we both know what has not been spoken between us.

Colin: What are you—

Penelope: I love you. I’ve loved you for years. But you have never and will never, love me. Knowing that and marrying you anyway… it would not just break my heart Colin, it would tear my soul apart. You cannot ask this of me.

Colin felt utterly gutted. He didn’t care that Penelope’s mother could walk in at any moment or that it was already wildly inappropriate that they’d been alone together this long in her drawing room. In that moment, Colin Bridgerton was left with nothing in the world but the shards of his broken heart and more regret than he could bear.

Colin: Penelope please… I—

Penelope: I beg of you, as your most devoted friend, forget what happened between us and never speak of it again. You are free of me Colin. Please… just go.

Something in Colin snapped. A surge of emotion raged inside him like nothing he had ever experienced before. It was a force of fury, panic and pain as though Penelope had brought his heart to life and ripped it out of his chest all at once. He felt as if everything that had ever mattered to him was gone in an instant and nothing would ever be good in his life again.

No amount of traveling could distract from this pain. Colin was forever changed. He didn’t blame Penelope for saying what she said or feeling the way she felt but how, after all these years, how could she give up on him now? After everything that they shared. Colin’s insides twisted because he knew he had no right to expect her devotion or faith. Penelope had loved him for years. Years. Colin had seen that twinkle in her eyes every time she looked at him. It was that way for as long as he’d known her and it made him sick to know he’d dismissed it as nothing more than a young girl’s infatuation. He pretended not to notice and made sure never to flirt with her the way he did with every other young lady. Yet still she loved him. Even though she was so sure he didn’t want her she wanted him happy, to have a wife he could love. She was not selfish with him, not his Penelope. No, Penelope was always good to Colin, she encouraged him to pursue his dreams, whatever his heart desired, she wanted for him. Colin could not say when exactly it happened but he knew in that moment that what he felt for her was the same now. He loved her as much as she loved him. And he always would, even if she truly was lost to him forever. But he couldn’t give her up just yet.

Colin lost his heart so completely to Penelope that the idea that she was giving up on him forever had him hating himself. Of course she was giving up on him, he had hurt her for so long… it was not on purpose but what did that matter? He could not bear for another second to pass with his beloved hurt, sad and unaware of his complete adoration and devotion.

Colin took Penelope in his arms and looked her in the eyes before putting so much of his love in this kiss she’d simply have to feel what he was feeling before he bared his soul to her in utter despair.

Colin: I am sorry. For everything I have ever done to make you feel as though I could ever regret marrying you Penelope. No one has ever loved me the way you have and I have never known anything like what I feel for you. It is more than mere love. I may never deserve you, your heart or your future but you cannot ask me to leave you. Not when walking away from you, from us, would destroy me. And losing you would destroy me, Pen. Because I am yours. Last night you gave me a glimpse of what our life together could be. To love and be loved so deeply, to feel how I feel with you in my arms, to know I could build a life with you, my sweetest friend, my greatest love… the joy it would bring me to see you carrying my children, our children. God help me, I don’t have the words to express myself Penelope. I’m so desperately in love I feel like I’ve gone mad. If you are not convinced, let me court you. Let me show you how much I need you. How certain I am. Only, do not give up on me Pen, please. Take pity on me my love, and reconsider. I will never take a wife unless it is you. Let me be your husband, let me make you happy. I swear I will love you always. Please Penelope, say you will marry me. Be my wife.

The thudding sounds were mere moments apart, coming from behind Colin and as he spun to see that Portia and Prudence Featherington had not only entered the drawing room to find Penelope in Colin’s arms, they heard his fervent declaration of love as he begged for her hand and they’d both fainted just as Colin felt Penelope go limp, swooning in his arms.

Penelope came to sooner than the other two Featherington ladies, likely because Colin was fussing over her so sweetly. Helping her to the chaise and having the maid fetch something cool for her to drink while he held her hand, and kissed it.

Colin: Are you alright? Shall I call for a doctor?

Penelope: Everything you just said. The look on your face… in your eyes. This must be a dream but I want it to be true. You said that you love me.

Colin: It is no dream Penelope, I meant every word. I love you. Be mine. Choose me forever and let us never be parted.

Penelope: Yes Colin. I have always been yours, I will be your wife.

When their engagement was announced the ton was abuzz with speculation and rumor but Whistledown, who had once commented that the friendship between the two was so clearly platonic that she would bet her column on it, stopped writing all together when Colin Bridgerton became betrothed to Penelope Featherington.

No one who was ever around the newlyweds questioned why he married her. Their happiness was so infectious and the love between them so obvious that it became almost legendary. Theirs was the love that silenced the most notorious gossip in London.

Queen Charlotte, who finally discovered the true identity of Whistledown, met with the couple privately and after demanding her every question be answered, she commanded Penelope never to pick up her quill as Lady Whistledown again and even offered this wedding gift: Mrs. Penelope Bridgerton and her family had the protection of the crown should they ever need it and a promise that her secret would only be revealed if Penelope wished it so.

The Queen was so fascinated, entertained and enchanted by the secret life of this shy, gently bred young lady by day turned scandalous scribbler by night and how she was little more than a trapped bird who was now freed by love that she compared it to her favorite romantic novel. Her majesty even encouraged Penelope not waste her writing talent or her fairytale which inspired Pen to write her story, even if it needed editing to protect her identity.

The charming traveler and his waiting wallflower is what the world would see when they looked at Mr. & Mrs. Colin Bridgerton. And though she changed names and disguised the most identifiable parts of her story, when Penelope finally finished her novel, which was a wild success and in truth was more memoir than fiction, she sent a special copy to the Queen along with her thanks for her majesty’s grace and generosity, and for believing in her.

After so many years of being invisible to the world Mrs. Penelope Bridgerton called the love of her life, her husband and the Queen herself was a confidant and friend. There was never such a shining example of the transformative power of true love.

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about invalidation and its effects

You know when you’re really upset about something and someone tells you that you’re being a little dramatic? Has that ever made you feel less upset? 

I’m guessing it probably made you want to actually be dramatic or it completely broke your heart. You weren’t trying to get them to completely understand your experience and deeply feel your emotions—that invalidation only created another dilemma for you to have to deal with. Now you’re questioning if you really are overreacting about the matter or you’re thinking that person’s just an asshole that is sabotaging you or you’re afraid that maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you…

Notice how fast we spiraled? That’s how impactful invalidation can be. Constant invalidation of our experiences dramatically influences the way that we tell our stories to others. The story is no longer “I was hurt and taken advantage of”, it’s “this is why I’m dramatic and don’t know how to handle anything”. Sometimes the invalidation begins during our formative years and from the very first people we met when we arrived in this world. 

What’s that label that your family gave to you that you just can’t seem to get over? Crybaby, loser, weirdo, “the fat one”, “my problem child”, “the mean one”, “the one I don’t talk about”, etc. The creation of that label significantly changed how they talk to you, speak about you to others, treat you, and perceive you. Most importantly, it changed the way that you see yourself. Now you hold back tears because you don’t want the crybaby label to stick or you hold your tongue while they say things that disrespect you because you want to get rid of the mean label. The invalidation continues when you bring up the past to them and it seems like the only person that remembers the story even vaguely is you. Then you really start believing those messages that were said about you.

Did the invalidation actually make you stop feeling sadness, out of place, alone, unheard, misunderstood, frustrated, or whatever the original emotion was? 

When I was a young child enduring trauma, I wanted to tell someone about it but when I did, I was met with, “you talk too much”, “you say the wildest things” or “you’re being a baby”. I was no longer just feeling sad, unloved, unwanted, confused…I became sad, unloved, unwanted, and thought I was legitimately going insane. It was no longer just a traumatic experience, what happened to me had found a way into my personality. 

Had I not just experienced something devastatingly difficult? Did that event not hurt my feelings or cause me some sort of pain? Even if it was a minor thing and from the outside looking in, I was being a little dramatic…I still felt that pain, and telling myself that I shouldn’t have, didn’t make the feeling go away. 

I often wonder how things would be if I was adequately validated when something happened. I wonder if I would be better at managing my emotional responses or overcoming challenges. Because instead of the situation intertwining with who I was, maybe I could fully feel my feelings, validate them, and possibly move onto actually solving the problem. 

Nonetheless, the past is the past and I am now responsible for doing my best to end that cycle of invalidation.

It can be difficult since we become accustomed to belittling our emotions and the emotions of others. You hear “you’re such a crybaby” for crying about losing something you really loved so often that it becomes easier to say the same thing to an actual child crying over losing their favorite blanket. It’s a skill that takes practice, I’m not always the best at it either. 

You’ll need to first become comfortable with acknowledging and identifying your feelings. I don’t know how else to explain this but you have to feel the emotions fully so that the emotions don’t consume you. If you feel sad, just feel sad and find a non-harmful way to express that even if it's bawling in bed or recording voice memos where you pour your heart out. Validate that emotion and the experience that brought it up. Now that emotion doesn’t feel as heavy as before and you might actually be able to combat the feeling with one that you’d prefer to feel.

We can’t change other people and their perception of us but we do have control over the way we speak about ourselves and our experiences. I challenge you to validate one feeling and experience that you have this week. And because I know you’re capable of doing difficult things, I additionally challenge you to validate someone else’s emotions and experience. Create more productive narratives about yourself and about those you care about.

[rhaenyraslaena]

rhaenyra and alicent developed vastly different parenting styles because they had vastly different childhoods, and i don't think one should be dragged over the other bc motherhood is a deeply personal experience. rhaenyra was raised in a place of neglect, her father wasn't there for there bc she wasn't a male heir (she shows signs of that neglect the first episode) and he stole her mother from her by murdering her in childbirth. rhaenyra felt unloved and felt unwanted and so unsure of herself and it was only until years later when she was an adult that he truly repented for aemma's death and his neglect of rhaenyra. that's why rhaenyra was such a doting, affectionate and assuring mother, because she did not want her children to feel unwanted or unloved as she had, and that is why she fought so hard for the realm not to talk about them being bastards, bc that was a stemming from a place of being hated and unwanted, and that was what rhaenyra had felt in her childhood. she raised them to be sweet, kind, diplomatic and valuing honor bc she wanted them to feel loved and cherished (something that came from aemma & the honor came from harwin).

i don't believe alicent was any less loving but she displayed her love in a different way. alicent was used as a pawn of her father, to achieve hightower influence in court and in the realm, she was used to be a breeding machine by viserys. and alicent did not want to see her children become pawns like she had, so she raised them to be quite independent (as shown by their attitudes in the show) and with a tougher kind of love than rhaenyra bc she didn't want them to be soft and malleable like she had been but it's obvious that she loves them so much (standing between aegon and meleys, her gentleness with helaena). and unlike rhaenyra's children, these children were born out of marital rape, so it was so much more emotionally and mentally straining on her in bearing these children because this was duty and marital rape while rhaenyra could afford unconditional love so easily.

rhaenyra and alicent were both very different mothers with very different childhoods and i think we should appreciate their differences and the dynamics with their children rather than drag the other down. both have their flaws in their parenting and decisions but both have their triumphs and it is obvious that they both love their children deeply.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #237

When was the last time you climbed over a fence? Not since I was a kid, I think. Never for trespassing, by the way.

Does your pet wear a collar? So Roman, usually yes, but he hasn't for a while because Mom got a new phone number so the number on his tag is wrong. We're poor and printing a new tag is an expense for us. Cookie has a collar (I... think? I'm blanking right now), but not a tag because the tags that are easily available for us to print are too big for her. She's a chihuahua. Even if it annoys her though, she needs one.

What is the first thing on your Christmas wishlist? I have a feeling I'm going to be asking primarily for a gaming desktop PC. This laptop hasn't had the memory to support WoW since the new xpac pre-patch dropped, and I've found I really miss it. Laptops are limiting with gaming, so a desktop would be nice I'm sure.

What would you do if your mom/dad saw a hickey on you? Mom has before. I think she's usually ignored it, but she's made comments before, which just embarrass me. I'd be even more uncomfortable if Dad commented on it.

What could you say is your biggest time waster? Probably watching YouTube.

Are you a sound sleeper? No. I don't even think it matters how exactly I sleep at night, I have sleep apnea so I'm kinda fucked no matter how "well" I think I sleep.

If you were pregnant, who would you tell first? Realistically, Mom would probably find out first. I live with her and I'd be hysterical (in a very negative way), so...

Do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like? Sometimes I do, more often I don't.

Did you speak to your father today? I haven't spoken to my dad since my nephew's birthday party last month.

What is your father’s middle name? John.

When was the last time you had alcohol? It's been a while.

Have you ever met anyone who claimed to be a witch? I know a few.

Do you know anyone with asthma? Me, my mom, and I think my youngest niece.

Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? No. Apparently around the divorce Dad threatened to fight for custody just to be hateful (this is according to Mom though, who literally hates him), but he never seriously did, which didn't surprise me at all, it's not like he was ever enthusiastic about acting like a dad.

Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? I'm sure no. Our "types" are very different.

Any other names your parents planned to give you? The only name I know of is Kathryn.

Are you healthy? Nope.

Which was the last book that really captivated you? Truly and deeply, The Handmaid's Tale.

Have you ever had a teacher you got really close with? This happened with multiple teachers for me.

When’s the last time you spent time with your cousins? It's been years upon years upon years upon years. Honestly, maybe a decade.

If you had to get a piercing (not ears) what would you get? I want my nostril re-pierced.

Ever been kissed under fireworks? No.

The person you fell the hardest for says they never felt anything for you. What do you say? Bullshit.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you? No.

Has the person you like ever made you upset? Sure, we've dated for three years, that's normal to occasionally happen.

Scenario: If you were getting unwanted attention by some creeper, would the person you like stand up for you? I'm certain he would.

When angry, do you get loud or quiet? It depends, I've done both.

Have you ever been in a secret relationship? I suppose you could say that, with Joel. It wasn't an official relationship, though.

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror naked? God no, I appreciate my eyes.

Are your grandparents still alive? No.

Ever been in a car accident? Yes.

Do you like any of Justin Bieber’s songs? None of the extreme few I've heard.

When you were a kid, did you ever like Barney? I sure did.

Have you ever had champagne? Did you like it? No.

Is going mushroom hunting in the woods something that would interest you? I would go looking for mushrooms to photograph, but that's it.

What were you doing the last time you hung out with a friend? Girt's more than a friend, but whatever. We watched TV.

Is there anything about you that might cause others to dislike you? I AM politically judgmental when it comes to serious political issues. For example, I have trouble actually bonding with right-wing people. I can be perfectly polite and everything to you, but you will not be my friend if you, say, are transphobic.

What was the last big change you made to your physical appearance? That would be whatever year it was when I cut my hair real short. I think 2018.

If you have any pets, do they seem to notice when you’re sick or sad? I think Roman notices, at least when I lay down in bed. I very much think he's aware when I cry that something is off.

Are your hobbies something you’d rather do alone or with others? Mostly alone.

Is there anything about yourself that you’re trying to improve? A LOT!!!!! I want to stop catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, letting anxiety control me, being so secretive about myself for no proper reason... There's a lot.

What are some of your favorite words? Serendipity, tranquility, serenity, felicity, words like that.

Are there any holidays you used to celebrate, but no longer do? Easter, Halloween, and the 4th come to mind first.

Do you watch music videos? Only Rammstein's.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping? Three days because I was manic. My body no less than gave out, I basically passed out.

Ever clicked on those banner ads that promise a prize for clicking? No, I'm too familiar with how the Internet works. Even as a kid I didn't believe that stuff.

Do you think machines will take over the world? IF things keep up the way they are, I would not be even remotely surprised.

Ever had a weight change so drastic you went to the doctor? No. I've gone through drastic weight loss, but I knew why.

How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? Like, 40s. UNLESS there's wind.

Do you usually get your homework done on time? When I was in school, yes.

Do you have a digital camera? I have a Canon.

Have you ever stuck something inappropriate in an electrical outlet? No.

What is your calendar pic for October? I don't have a calendar, just a planner. The months don't have pictures.

Is there a car you REFUSE to drive? You wouldn't see me in a Tesla because Elon can go to hell.

Have you ever lived in a brand new house? Ha, no.

Has anyone ever pulled a gun on you? Jesus, no.

Are there any chairs in your bedroom? No.

Roughly, how often do you get sick per year? Not often at all. Maybe just once.

Do you go to the doctor, using holistic methods, or do nothing when sick? I go to the doctor and/or use OTC meds.

What was the last reason you cried? My psychiatry appointment left me very upset.

Do people who judge bother you a lot? I think it depends what you're judging about. Harmless shit, that REALLY bothers me. If you're judging someone for being gay or something that just totally doesn't matter, then I judge the hell outta you. It very much depends on the seriousness of the matter and the level of obsession.

What about arrogance? Arrogant people drive me absolutely insane, y'all are gross.

Do you know anyone with Type 1 Diabetes? Uh... I know many people with diabetes, but admittedly idk if it's type one or two.

Do you have a lot of pictures of you and your friends? No. I've gotten better about it, but I'm very uncomfortable in front of cameras.

Do you own anything with the Playboy Bunny on it? Nope.

Where is the last beach you went to? Idk, it was probably Carolina Beach.

Have you ever been rock climbing? No.

Do you own a bean bag chair? No.

Are you the one in a group to talk a lot or do you listen? Listen, generally.

Have you ever touched a caterpillar? Oh yes, I loved holding them as a child. I'm more hesitant as an adult because I actually don't know how to differentiate potentially harmful ones from non-dangerous, I just got lucky as a kid I guess haha.

Have you ever met someone famous? Who? Do tell! Nope.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom and niece. I feel bad for Emerson, I was in bad shape and I think she was confused.

Do you think age matters in relationships? If minors are involved, it absolutely does. I don't care what adults do together.

How many times a year do you go on vacation? Do you tend to go to the same places each time? We don't have the money for vacations and haven't since I was a child.

How many times did it take you to pass your driving test? I've never tried it. I don't even have an active permit anymore.

When you’re in trouble, do your parents ever “middle name” you? Mom does.

If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be? My weight.

What color was the last vehicle you traveled in? Does this vehicle belong to you or someone else? Navy. It actually belongs to our family friend/landlord, she lent us her old van because our car is toast.

Are you patriotic at all? Why/why not? HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HELL FUCKING NO the USA fucking sucks

Have you ever had to wear a white lab coat before? Was this in school or for a job? Yes actually, during my last college attempt, it was required for lab days in my science class.

Would you ever want to do the same career(s) as your parents? No.

[star-stell]

hi! could you go more in detail on lucia and your other boltons? like, who are they,who is luc, what is her place in the story/world, how did her bolton mom got shacked up with a dothraki guy, how did lucia got shacked with a lannister boy etc etc

LOVE them all btw!!

AND I LOVE YOU ANON.

Ok, I literally have a folder of lore, so get comfy, and lets start by the basics:

Atenea Bolton:

Daughter to Roose and his first wife, which makes her an older sister to both Domerik and Ramsay. She's a little bit like Cersei, in the sense that she wishes to have been a son. She had a fast and badly hidden love affair with a young manservant, which was cut short by her father. Her lover was killed and they tried to force an abortion on her but it didn't work and now they had a bastard, an unwanted child. Atenea doesn't love any of her kids nor her husband, she only loves power and those who can give it to her. The story of how she got married has nothing of loving nor romantic: Roose saw the posibility that would open marrying his daughter to a dothraki merchant and took it. There's a few dothraki who are merchants and they are rich and powerful, specially in the free cities, but no dothraki woman would marry someone who travels trought sea, so most of them find brides at Westeros. Their marriage was basically a punishment against Atenea.

• Sammuel Bolton Snow:

The first son, he would have had a great future had he been born legitimate or in another family. From the moment he was born his mother had been disgusted by his mere existence. He was raised by servants and as one, even if he knew who his mother and sisters were. Sam, still, tried his best and found a place in Dreadfort as a musician and music teacher to his half sisters. Lucía felt certain anger against him for what she percived as his status as the firstborn son and tried to peel off his face at age nine, in the other hand Eliza sees him as this free person (that he is not, he can't go anywhere for being a bastard and knowing it) and envies him both for it and for the man he married in secret, whom she's deeply in love with, still they try to have eachother's backs.

Elizabeth Bolton

She's the firstborn of Atenea's marriage and was raised with all the conformities that come with it. Outside, she seems like the perfect lady: found a husband early, beautiful, and inocent looking, but in the inside Eliza is a very angry, very rebellious person. She wants to travels, to see world, to dance, and sing, and act, and scream. Maybe it's for this that she fell hard for Charles, the young musician of Dreadfort, varely some years older than her and so handsome. She's a little bit of a Sansa character, if Sansa got married too young and grew out of her romanticism in a less overtly violent way. Her husband, Darnlo Reed, is all things considered a good man, even if dilikeable at times.

Lucía Bolton:

Lucía is the last of the three children and her father's favourite daughter, she's the most obviously dothraki looking of the two, and also the one he could have for longer. Lucía is also more eternally rebellious than her sister, going out hunting, learning to use a sword and riding horses without the care of a lady. Is maybe for this that Ramsay can't stand her, because she's this eternally rough girl who won't back down, who he left alone in the forest to die and came back (more of that in a minute). While Lucía is all of this things, she's also a strategist, and infinitly cruel, like most of her family. She's stuck in this weird limbo where she's not son nor daughter because of her habilities, she would have been the perfect son to the Boltons, a Red King. Sam once tried to cut her throat with a lute's cord after what she did to his face, which have her that nasty scar on her neck, the rest of them are from punishments and hunting accidents.

Ok, now that the basics are covered, time for the actual fun part!

What is Lucía's place in the story?

She's a product of her times, a Bolton with al the things that it brings, but who also is deeply diferent from her family, where her mother, uncle and grandfather can only see power as fear, she sees power as a way of love, something that forces you to give. She's a bit of a haunt, too, as much of Domerik's description was used to create the basis of her character, which makes her hated and loved by her family.

Her arc starts way before the Starks leave Winterfell, when she's eleven and Ramsay takes her for a "hunting trip" where he leaves her in the forest during a snow storm, in whises of her dying. For good or bad, Lucía was way too headstrong to just die laying down, so she tried to come back to Dreadfort. At some point she starts hearing voices that might just be hunger alucinations of the Old Gods, who know? But when a starved wolf attacks her, those voices tell her to fight back, to kill it, eat it's meat and wear it's skin. And she does. She also pull it's teeth with her to Dreadfort, and when she finally comes home, dressed with a wolf skin, bathed in blood, a week after the ""hunting trip"" where she allegedly fell from her horse and died, eyes crazed with hunger, she goes straigth to Roose and gifts him one of the teeths.

"One for you, one for me, the rest for the gods."

(I don't write here the rest of the scene bcs i'm working on a drawing for it!)

How does Lucía got shaked up with a Lannister?

[...] It was the knowledge of the young lady's affiliation with unladylike activities and her lack of southern belle that made her a harder sell than one might expect from a Bolton lady. It was in the year 297 after the Conquest that Lady Bolton and her fourteen-year-old daughter made a journey to Casterly Rock. On the tenth day the two arrived at Casterly Rock, and by the twentieth day, Maeele Lannister, first-born grandson of Tywin Lannister, was betrothed to Lucia Bolton.

To be completly honest, I think that the Boltons would jump at the oportunity of having alliances with the Lannisters and for the Lannisters is a good way of having allies in the north. Also, it sets up the red wedding with more strength: these families are allies, the Bolton youngest is about to become a Lannister. Also, in a less serious note, it's because they both are such cunts no one else would marry them.

Woah! Yeah, I think this is all! But, hey, if you want more deep study about someone/something, PLEASE TELL ME!! I LOVED to do this!

[lily-orchard-gossip-blog]

at.tumblr.||com/lily-orchard/toh-fans-were-saying-luzs- || depression-arc-was/n15gs2tejahh (link broken up because tumblr and anon messages)

God the way she and that anon talk about Luz here… zero fucking compassion. “Luz doesn’t learn the lesson she’s clearly supposed to learn!” Bitch yeah she doesn’t. Because she’s a self-loathing fourteen year old girl who is still afraid everyone in her life will hate her.

They both criticize the other members of her cast for “bending over backwards for Luz” because clearly, if your loved one is pushing everyone away because she thinks she should be hated the right response is… to hate her for it? Like i get that you should not be expected to support someone else’s entire mental health, but wow. What the fuck.

It also rubs me the wrong way because of things i have personally experienced. I struggle with my mental health, and Luz’s pushing away everyone and trying to punish herself very much is realistic. I did the same thing, including trying to get out of celebrating my own birthday and considering skipping my prom because I felt like i didn’t deserve to celebrate and have fun. I’ve had a friend do something similar as well.

And i get what she’s getting at. Being shut out really fucking sucks. It makes you feel unwanted in a way that hurts deeply. And you are not obligated to put up with it. But here’s the thing: the others are choosing to combat it and put up with it. Amity tells her directly that she knows it’s hard and scary, but she wants to keep Luz in her life. And it’s not like they’re constantly up her ass trying to be her therapist like the post alludes to - they do their own thing in thanks to them. They are giving her space.

And yes, Luz is in a bad place and not being the perfect little uwu sunshine baby anymore - but that’s normal. It’s normal to not be perfect all the time. It’s normal to help your friend through a though time. It’s okay to be a burden sometimes. Lily is also referring to Luz’s other coping mechanism of “must fix this all by myself” as better than her depression, without recognizing that this is very much how Luz acts here. Yes, she’s not proactive, but in her current situation there isn’t really any way for her to be. She still takes it all upon herself and believes she must make up for it somehow - the thing is, she can’t. Her decision never to return to the demon realm is a desperate attempt to repent somehow, and in her logic even prevent further harm. Lily just refuses to engage with any of that, because having a character go through a realistic arc after experiencing an immensely traumatic event is just edgy torture porn for her.

.

[eemamminy-art]

desire, failure, guilt, hate, and heartbreak for whichever oc you like~

I'm going to answer these with a few different OCs, since different OCs come to mind with the prompts! It'll be long so let me put a read more cut! Also please proceed with caution as this dives into some very dark and heavy topics (thought not in great detail).

oc asks: not-so-nice edition

desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?

This question makes me realize that a lot of my characters don't really have big lofty dreams, at least not in the present. I think some of them have backstories with big dreams, but otherwise they're just getting by.

Mal, my stardew valley OC, might be the best suited for this question. He really craves love, community, and family. He was an unwanted child, so his mother made damn sure he knew it, being very cold and then having bursts of anger and verbal abuse. He was close with his grandparents but only could ever see them sparingly, but he built up this fantasy in his head of living with them on their farm and being a happy little family. He does inherit their farm when they die and drops out of university and basically throws away all he's been working toward up until that point in order to move there, but he quickly finds that the quaint little community he remembered as a child isn't quite what it seems. So even in attaining what he thought he wanted, it still takes a lot of work after that to build up a home and community that makes him feel loved and like he finally belongs somewhere.

failure: What's your OC's greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it? & guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Putting these together because they tie together really well for Cam, my fallout OC. When he was a teenager, he went on his first job with an older girl he considered a friend, a mentor, and a bit of a crush, Nerissa. She worked for a caravan as a guard, and Cam had been practicing his sharpshooting for a while and was going to ride along.

There was a raider ambush and it was a total slaughter. He choked in the moment and just froze, then hid, and continued to freeze. He watched people die gruesomely, and as something truly horrible was about to happen to Nerissa he ran. He ran so far he didn't settle down anywhere until he had reached the other end of the country several years later.

It messed him up pretty deeply. He fell deep into alcohol, took to cannibalism to survive and found he kind of liked it, which added another layer of guilt to his already guilty conscience. It gave him a complex about women, the thought of ever being with a woman after letting Nerissa be tortured and presumably killed made him feel like he never had the right to ever love any woman. Just haunted by his actions that day, forever.

It's something he does eventually work through, but not until over a decade has passed, and along the way he was as self destructive as possible. He's bi so he would only ever sleep with men during that time and would let them be just horrible to him, he never allowed himself to get close to anyone, he numbed the pain with liquor but often found his guilty conscience kept him awake at night. He'd throw himself headlong into danger because he felt he had nothing to lose, but always, always that survival instinct would kick in and he'd use whatever dirty tricks he had to in order to make it out alive.

Boy has had it rough lol I think even when he starts working through all of that trauma finally, it takes a very very long time for him to start to forgive himself and be kind to himself.

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

Unsurprisingly, my wol Leigh hates the Garlean empire. He was born in Ala Mhigo and was forced to seek refuge in Ul'dah at a very young age like so many others. His parents were of Ala Mhigan and Doman descent so he had double the baggage when it came to hating the Garleans too. He was robbed of not only his home, but his family, and the chance to ever see his parents' homelands for the better part of his lifetime.

It becomes a little tricky for him, since his story is a little bit canon divergent and there are some Eorzean nations that ally themselves with Garlemald, and he has no choice but to work with them at various points. He has to watch his tongue, which is one of Leigh's worst skills lol he always speaks before he thinks, and has struggled to keep himself from getting into a political incident by speaking his mind about the empire.

heartbreak: Have they ever had a relationship that ended badly? Experienced some other kind of heartbreak? What happened?

I think all of the three I wanted to write about here have faced heartbreak of some kind or another.

Cam: I already mentioned above about Nerissa, but he went through some further heartbreak later on too. He got into a several months-long situationship with a guy who had a jet problem, and although it wasn't great it was the only companionship he'd ever really had. So when that person ultimately suffered an overdose eventually, it honestly devastated him. In his grief he cannibalized a good bit of him, in some bid to keep a part of him with him. :')

Leigh: He tried a little bit of dating in his youth but nothing ever really panned out. He and his best friend tried kissing one another but there was no spark, so they managed to keep things amicable after that little bit of experimentation together. He did end up getting into a relationship with the son of a wealthy businessman in Ul'dah, but the class divide and Leigh being an Ala Mhigan unbalanced the relationship dramatically. To keep up appearances, his "boyfriend" would ridicule him in public, treat him like the scum of the earth, but then lavish him with gifts and praise in private. It really messed with his self esteem and sense of worth, and gave him a disdain toward the rich.

Mal: I think this is not nearly so extreme as the other two, but Mal's heartbreak centered around his sexuality. He's interested in men but he's asexual, so in high school he had gotten into two relationships which both ended up with the other boys mocking him and rejecting him for it. It gave him a bit of a complex, and now he's somewhat self conscious about his body, since those boys referred to it as being "broken" for not reacting in the way theirs did when it came to intimacy.

[unripetrash]

I have slowly been using tumblr more and more since twitter started falling apart but I was still mostly on it because despite all of its recent shortcomings because I was still able to use it but do you want to know what the newest update to twitter did?

It made it so you can’t use the app anymore!

There has truly never been a worse update to any app ever and the thing is that if all I did on twitter was look at memes and other content trash I wouldn’t mind at all but I followed so many artists on there I even made a second account that was fully dedicated to one fandom, and it was great I saw some of the best art I have ever seen because of it, but now I can’t even see if they are posting anything about moving to different sites so I can follow them.

There are so many artists that deeply adore that only use twitter and if this new change stays they will have to move sites and probably lose most of their following and as many artists know losing a lot of the following that you have spent potentially years building disappearing just because of some change an idiot rich guy made is super disheartening and will make you question why you even bother posting in the first place. I don’t want that to happen to the artists that I love, but it just seems like any app or site that has any good amount of people on it will ruin itself with unwanted updates that add things nobody wants and removes other things people need.

I just don’t know why all these apps are making such horrible decisions I want to believe that it is from stupidity or ignorance but they are ruining everything in such efficient ways that it almost seems intentional. it’s just so baffling to me that stuff like this could even happen and I just want all these sites to go back to how they were even just 1 or 2 years ago like no way it would be that hard to just delete all the crap stuff you added and just make a better experience for the people that use your site.

I know I’m yelling into the void here and I doubt anyone will bother reading all this but I write my thoughts out like this a lot and I usually keep it in my docs or notes app but seeing as how this is a very online thing I felt it better to put it online for other people to read.

[sonofthesaiyans]

This day, five years ago...

Was the day Attack on Titan ceased to be an anime or a manga worth the time of day. 

All because of one certain fucking character who Hajime Isayama insisted on pushing upon us at every turn, and in doing so cemented them as easily the most controversial and most loathed new character in the series.....

Because this little bitch is responsible for one certain fucking scene from the most wretched and most uncalled for chapter in the saga....

One that is easily, the worst bit of fiction I have ever laid eyes on.....

Five years ago today, Chapter 105......AKA Assassin’s Bullet.......the day Attack on Titan ripped away our beloved Potato Girl, Sasha Braus. One of the series’ best, and most beloved, tossed away like trash for a character who failed to justify their very existence. 

I still remember how my heart skipped a beat and subsequently sank when I read the first leaks early that morning........And how sick I felt when the full story came out later. I was FURIOUS when this motherfucking chapter came out, and having to look back at even a single frame of that shit still hits hard now. I never forgave this goddamned chapter, nor have I ever forgiven the BASTARD responsible for it. Sasha Braus was a character with tons of untapped potential and the rest of the manga and season four of AOT with it have been blackened by the shadow that cast by this one goddamned death scene that was neither justified or of any value to the larger plot.  People have gone to insane lengths to justify Gabi Braun, even though the hate for her remains vocal. Her worst defenders have done everything to convince us that Sasha had no other role to play but to die so a character who has absolutely no redeeming qualities to speak of and an absurd level of plot armor could sweep in and essentially replaced Eren Yeager and company as the new main character, with the parallels between herself and Eren having the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the forehead. 

And speaking of plot armor........We still have NO VALID EXPLANATION for why Sasha was the only member of the original squad to not have a breastplate. It’s a plot hole few have acknowledge or pursued with any seriousness, but it should be indicative of how much Isayama did not care how much the integrity of the plot suffered so long as he had his way with a character that NOBODY asked for. 

To him and Gabi’s worst defenders across the web, I say they can all go fuck themselves. 

Attack on Titan really dropped the ball with its final arcs, but THIS was where I drew the line. I was no longer invested in jackshit after that, and all I saw as I followed the remaining chapters was a concentrated effort to annihilate Sasha from the saga, and to reinforce Gabi as the unwanted replacement through a redemption arc that was from its inception, completely insincere and not earned. It’s such a poisonous moment in AOT’s history and I still remain overtly hostile towards those who defend the damage it did.  As far as I’m concerned, they had one simple task, to LEAVE SASHA ALONE.  They should have left well enough alone, and I am not done pursuing those who had an active hand in this. Some of those individuals will likely hear from me in the very near future. God willing, IN person. But, we shall see. 

Assassin’s Bullet is one of the single ugliest things in all of anime, and Gabi Braun, you are still one of anime’s worst characters. Nobody gets points for their part in bringing this hideous scene to life, and you certainly don’t get points for defending its existence. And after that godawful finale, its existence has become even less justifiable. 

This is not a subject I wanted to have to revisit tonight, but not to do so I feel would betray why I even set up this account, and an insult to a character I still cherish deeply. I still want Sasha Braus back, and I’m not gonna be deterred.  I only hope the finale episode of Attack on Titan proves the death knell for Isayama’s reputation, that man has fucked with our heads for so many years, he should not be rewarded for it. For me, the hate is definitely still very much personal.  I should’ve quit the series after Chapter 93 when Ymir was revealed to be gone.....Nothing but regrets to be had after Chapter 105 came out though. For the things I still love from Attack on Titan.......I regret ever watching it in the first place. That for me is Assassin’s Bullet’s legacy.  To hell with this chapter and the episode it spawned.  There is no Attack on Titan without Sasha Braus. 

FIGHT FOR HER........

[galactic-pirates]

1, 14 and 21 for the ask game, please!

1) what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

I am unfortunately an honest person so this might be a bit of an over share I don’t know. I’m not very good at judging so I apologise in advance. I’m going to put it under a cut as it’s quite personal.

- being undiagnosed autistic for 26 years. This is probably by far the biggest slice of the ‘what shaped me’ pie. I was me - I am me - and I have never known different and so I thought life was just like this. That I couldn’t cope, that I was weird and always unwanted, all my failures I assumed that they were mine - that I was just wrong and bad and I learned to deeply hate myself. I broke. I have had 3 mental breakdowns and got worse each time. I now have a reason for why I struggle but I have these learned patterns of behaviour that I can’t shake. The self-loathing is in my bones, the depression and anxiety are intense. It’s not like that for all autistics but because I didn’t know. Yeah :/ it’s a real problem and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to let go, as I have never let go of anything in my life. I am stuck just getting worse and worse :(

- mum was my grandparents carer. I debated whether to put this in black and white. Mum doesn’t know my tumblr but I would hate for her to think I blamed her for anything. Absolutely not. Mum did the best she could, she always did the right thing, I support her totally. But it would be incorrect to say there were no consequences. I was a child and though mum insists it wasn’t true, I felt that my grandparents came first. On times I felt resentful like about Christmas plans or something, I then felt immediate shame and guilt about how I had thought it wasn’t fair, as it wasn’t about me. I do feel it has taught me to always put everyone else’s wishes above my own and to feel a lot of guilt about being any kind of burden, or even just existing in a space because surely I must be trouble.

- being on disability. A lot of self-loathing does come from this, that I am not contributing to society. But there’s also a hefty dose of fear. I am not in control of my situation. At any time the rules could change on me. I’m afraid of everything constantly. I mean fear is the singular constant in my life. But disability is definite constant low level anxiety, forever in the back of my mind. It never leaves me. I hate it. If I could get a job and leave it behind I would.

14) what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

Go places. I’m virtually agoraphobic. I have panic attacks in the local supermarket. That’s the first thing that comes to mind. There’s a couple of science museums in London which look so cool, or there’s the Lego House.

But I think my real answer is to write professionally. True I mostly talk about novels and I did an attempt at indie publishing, but that was short-lived and I suppose I want to feel good enough. I didn’t give it a fair enough shake back then to tell if the market would eventually approve of me or not. However I have shied away from even trying since. I don’t expect they would have paid much but I have seen openings for staff writers a handful of times on sites I read everyday like WoWHead or BrickFanatics. I have contemplated sending in an application but haven’t dared. Honestly I’m not sure if I am more scared of rejection or success. I know rejection is a hell of a lot more likely obviously but I was just too afraid of the possibility of any kind of response.

21) are you a spiritual person?

Not really no. Death is something that terrifies me. Not for me but for losing mum. Sometimes I wish I did have some kind of faith. The closest thing to comfort I have in that sphere is the second law of thermodynamics, that energy can neither be created or destroyed. Yes I am quoting from an Agents of Shield episode but the sentiment really stuck with me. That everything that is, used to be something else, and will be something else again.

Thanks for the ask ❤️ sorry that I got a bit heavy there but hey you asked the questions.