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prettyboybarzal · 4 years

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lessons in romance // nate mackinnon x reader

summary: nate mackinnon is really bad at keeping a steady girlfriend. so bad that’s become somewhat of a joke between him and the boys. but you come along and try to set him straight.

word count: 14k+

author’s note: it’s finally here. i’m honestly surprised at how fast i cranked this out... which is actually a LOT longer than most people write on here so mayb i shouldn’t brag lmao! this fic was inspired by THIS gifset. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me feedback/reblog!!!!!!

warnings: smut (i jumped out of my comfort zone people. i finally wrote some lmfao) & mentions of a past toxic ex

Weekends were better spent in bed or visiting family, not sitting in a crowded bar with men who reminded you slightly of your ex-boyfriend. You were probably overreacting a little bit because the guys truly meant well, but their overly boy-ish energy was startlingly similar to that of your ex. Maybe a few more drinks would help the cause and you could get passed the sex jokes.

Mel Landeskog was the reason you were there. She wouldn’t take no for an answer, much like her husband, and so you were sitting across the booth from some of the largest men you’d ever seen in your life. Gabe gave you the rundown of their names as they arrived though the only one you could remember was Cale. He was a perpetually blushing 21-year-old named after a vegetable; how could you forget him?

“Do you think Nate’s upset about this one?” Cale asked. The new topic of conversation was their friends’ disastrous date since he texted to tell them he was broken up with and was on his way to them. “They were sort of serious.”

“We’re about to find out,” Gabe announced, nodding towards the entrance of the bar. Nate was on his way to the booth, tired smile on his lips. As he got closer, he started shaking his head and the table erupted in chirps at his expense.

You recognized him from earlier at the Landeskog’s pregame. He was slipping out of the front door as you stepped in. His cologne was the type the good-looking guys always wear, and you weren’t disappointed when you looked up at him. He was handsome with the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled to his elbows and the top three buttons undone, and when he smiled, you all but swallowed your tongue.

He began to greet his teammates. The chain around his neck caught the light of the DJ booth and you found yourself gazing at it. You tore your eyes away from the gold at the sound of Mel’s voice introducing you.

“This is my girlfriend, YN, from my Saturday morning Cycle class,” she said. “And, YN, this is my husband’s boyfriend, Nate MacKinnon.”

He threw his head back in a laugh at Mel’s joke as he extended a hand to you. “Nice to meet you.”

You listened to the quips from his teammates, each one with their own opinion about Nate’s relationship or lack thereof. It seemed like this wasn’t the first time in recent months that he’d been broken up and it had become somewhat of a spectacle to the boys. Mel, who’d seen this song and dance one too many times, wrapped her fingers around your elbow and tugged you with her towards the bar.

“What was that about?”

“Nate can’t hold down a girlfriend,” she explained. “It’s been a joke since he first came here because they almost all have the same issue with him.”

“And what is that?”

“He’s not romantic enough.”

You glanced back over your shoulder and watched the boys laughing amongst each other. It looked like they were celebrating as they lifted their beers in a sad looking toast, and it hit you right where it hurt.

You really saw your ex-boyfriend in the group now and, though you tried not to make assumptions, you found it hard to set the first impression aside. The liquor in your system didn’t help. With each joke about his dating misadventures, you became less of a fan of him and by the end of the night you were bubbling over in annoyance.

Gabe and Mel offered Nate a ride home towards the end of the night and you managed to keep your expression neutral when he accepted. As they headed out to grab the car, you and Nate waited at the curb several feet away from each other.

“I’m sorry about your break up,” you offered after a moment of silence. The statement came out more like a question and Nate’s lips quirked up into a smirk at the inflection of your voice. “Sorry, I just can’t tell if you’re upset or not, so I don’t know if I should even offer my condolences.”

“I’m, uh, I’m not upset,” he began. “I saw it coming.”

“How so?”

“Let’s just say this isn’t the first time a girl’s broken up with me for not being romantic enough,” he said. Thoughts were filling your head faster than you could make sense of them. There was no reason for the situation to annoy you as much as it did. You didn’t know this guy and the odds that you ever saw him again were slim.

“So, if it’s not the first time, why hasn’t anything changed?”

“Excuse me?” he asked. There was a crease between his eyebrows. He hadn’t been expecting you to respond like that. You shouldn’t have. It wasn’t your business

“I mean, you act like a martyr when you probably would be successful in love if you just put in the romantic effort these girls are craving,” you said. Your anger had begun to boil over and words were spilling from your mouth faster than you could stop them. “Guys like you are the worst. You lead girls on and make them think they’re special. Next thing they know, they’ve been wasting time on you and your lack of effort.”

The comment made Nate take a step away from you. His eyebrows drew together in shock and confusion. As you spoke, he turned his body to you and crossed his arms over his chest. The moment you closed your mouth, he interjected. “You don’t even know me.”

“I don’t have to,” you argued, turning to him. You were in a stand-off with a man several inches taller than you, and to any passerby it probably looked a little bit funny, but you weren’t backing down. “I know guys like you. I’ve dated guys like you.”

Before Nate could continue arguing, the Landeskogs pulled up to the curb. Mel hollered out for you two and the topic of conversation was dropped.

---

You regretted everything you said to Nate the moment you woke up the morning after. It wasn’t like you to be so rude, especially not to someone you didn’t know. Your heart stopped every time Mel texted you in the days following. You thought that at any moment she’d confront you about what you said to him, but it never came. As the week carried on, you found yourself forgetting the harsh words spoken outside the bar and the worry stopped.

Until Thursday night.

The knock at your apartment door was unexpected. You met your roommate, Mara’s, narrowed eyes over the dirty dishes you were working on. By the look on both your faces, neither one of you had a guest on the way over. She turned on her heel to check the peephole and the next look she gave you was equally as confusing as the previous one. She still opened the door.

“Does YN live here?”

The voice sent shockwaves through your veins and you stopped your movements, plates held just above your head as you were about to slide them into the cabinet. Nate MacKinnon was at your apartment. Mara nodded at him slowly before stepping back to let him in.

“Hi,” he greeted. His hands were tucked into his sweatshirt pocket, legs clad in compression leggings and a pair of shorts. He looked like he’d just come from a workout and his hair was still wet from the shower he’d taken before coming over. “I hope you don’t mind. Gabe gave me your address.”

“No problem,” you told him through a shaky breath. “Come in. Come sit at the island.”

He removed his shoes and approached slowly, sending Mara one last smile as she crept off down the hall. You silently cursed her for leaving you with your shaking hands as you cleared the clutter from the countertop. You watched him as he settled into the stool across from you, mirroring the kind smile he was sharing with you.

“Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? I have food, too, if you’re hungry.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he said. His voice was softer now than it had been before. “I wanted to talk to you about the other night. It won’t take long.”

“Oh?” you asked, trying to ignore the way your stomach dropped. You wanted to start apologizing right then. You didn’t have a reason to go and butt into his personal life like you had. You should’ve kept your mouth shut. Guys like him didn’t care about your opinions. “I’m sorry for what I said. When I get drunk, I have the tendency to shoot off at the mouth.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said. Your mouth snapped shut. “No one keeps me in check. All the guys think the fact that I can’t keep a girlfriend is a big joke because I’m so bad at dating. It shouldn’t be a joke. So, I’m sorry and thank you.”

You dropped your hands to the counter and leaned against it. The last thing you expected was for Nate to thank you, so you needed a moment to gather your thoughts. His eyes glistened as he watched you and then the corner of his lip quirked up because you started giggling.

“You should not be thanking me,” you said. With that simple statement, the tension in the air lifted. You turned your back on him, indicating that if the conversation must go on, you were going to be doing the dishes as well. “I was just being bitter the other night.”

“You had every right to be,” he said. “I was gloating.”

“You were kind of gloating,” you mumbled. You hadn’t meant for Nate to hear, and he knew that, but he laughed anyway. You turned to face him with an apologetic smile. “Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” he said. He didn’t even know why you were apologizing at that point. It seemed like you’d apologize for taking up space and that made him feel a bit sad. He smiled politely at you anyway, to signal he wasn’t annoyed by the apologies, and it lit up his features in a way you hadn’t noticed the other night. “Anyway, I came here for a reason.”

“Okay.”

“I need you to teach me to be romantic.”

He delivered it tentatively, as though he was afraid of the way you might react. In the split second that followed, your mouth open and closed twice as every possible response came to your mind. He waited patiently.

Finally, “You don’t even know me. How can you be so sure that I’m the right person to teach you this stuff?”

“You’re a girl,” he explained, deadpan. “Girls know romance.” You snorted at how adorably dumb he was. Your hand flew up to cover your mouth in embarrassment and your cheeks burned as he grinned at you, amused by the sound of your laugh. “What do you say?”

---

Mondays were always your least favorite day of the week. Every weekend, your workload piled up and most Mondays you could hardly take a lunch break because you were so busy getting shit done. Whenever you came home from work on Mondays, you were wiped. Mara always made sure to have dinner ready for you when you got in, and the two of you often sat on the couch while eating those nights.

That Monday, you were sure that you’d be in bed before the Bachelor even started. But then Nate showed up unannounced. Mara was in the middle of washing the dishes this time, so you were the one to open the door. He greeted you with a goofy smile and a large electrical wire. Without a word, you stepped to the side and he was kicking off his shoes to enter the living room. Mara caught the roll of your eyes as you followed him.

He was standing beside the television when you entered the room. The wire he’d brought with him was connected to his cellphone while he found a port for the other end. You sat at the corner of sectional and waited, yawns escaping your mouth every minute or so. The day had been long enough already.

Suddenly, the television lit up with his cellphone background on full display. He held it up to show you, a grin present on his face.

“I need your help,” he began. He tapped one of the dating apps on his home screen and immediately you were regretting letting him in. You realized he wasn’t leaving any time soon as he unraveled the cord and plopped down beside you on the couch. Mara entered the room, eyes catching on the beautiful brunette woman on the screen, and then she gave Nate a curious look. “Come on, Mara. Join us.”

An amused smile came to her lips as she sat on the other end of the couch.

“I am not swiping for you,” you grunted, rubbing at your eyes. “I have no interest in judging girls off these apps.”

“Relax, YN,” he said. “I’m not asking you to play matchmaker. Just help me talk to this girl.”

“You need help talking to girls?” Mara asked as she gave him the once over. You laughed out loud while Nate blushed.

“I don’t need help,” he began. He turned his attention back to the television and pulled up the profile of a beautiful brunette woman. “I just don’t want to come on too strong, or douche-y. This girl is perfect and I wanna take her out.”

“Can you two make this quick?” Mara asked. “The Bachelor’s on tonight.”

“And my bed is calling my name.”

Nate peered at you over his shoulder. He smiled at your tired eyes, drooping as you leaned your head on your hand. He leaned back, stopping inches from your face and said, “I’ll make it quick.”

To your surprise, and Mara’s delight, he reached up and ran his hand over your hair before turning back to the television. He gave a rundown about the girl on the television, but his words went in one ear and out the other. Your glazed eyes watched as he typed out messages to her, and you laughed when Mara made fun of the way he was talking. (“Why the fuck are you talking like that? Are you her father?”) Finally, he turned on you.

“Are you gonna help or what, love doctor?”

“Give me the phone,” you said, extending your hand. He plopped it into your palm and watched you type out the message on the television screen. It took you less than a minute to type out a sweet message asking the girl out on a date before you were shoving the phone back into his hand. “You overthink too much.”

“That’s it?”

“Short and sweet,” you noted with a shrug. “I’d say yes.”

Nate’s eyes cut to you and you felt a chill run down your spine at the intensity behind them. Mara cleared her throat as you diverted your attention from him, shaking the feeling you got from his baby blues. She smiled sweetly at the two of you. “Can I detach your phone from our TV now? It’s almost time for Bach.”

You peeled yourself off the couch and headed to the bathroom to wash your face before changing into sweats and a t-shirt. You returned to the living room to find Nate with his feet up on the coffee table. Mara had tuned the television to ABC and the Bachelor recap was playing. He looked up as you entered and frowned.

“Stay out here a little bit longer,” he proposed, bottom lip jutting out in a pout. “We’ll watch some of this and see if she says yes to the date.”

“Nate, I’m exhausted.”

“C’mon.”

You couldn’t say no, not when he was pouting like that. So, you rolled your eyes and walked around the couch to plop down in the spot you’d been before. Before long, your eyes were closing and you couldn’t keep them open any longer.

Nate didn’t realize you fell asleep, but he didn’t mind when you leaned against his arm as a pillow. He stiffened for a moment, unsure of what to do, but a soft snore escaped your lips and he found himself smiling down at your peaceful face. He didn’t move for the rest of the episode because he was too nervous to wake you. When the credits began to roll, he dropped a hand to your knee and shook you lightly.

Your eyes opened, bleary from sleep, and you found that you’d fallen asleep on him. You jerked away, realizing that it was probably too close for comfort, and smiled apologetically. He returned the smile before standing and gathering his things from the coffee table.

“Get some sleep,” he said on his way to the front door. You hummed in response, following him to the door to say a proper goodbye and lock up. He pulled you into a hug before going, shocking you once again by with how gentle he was despite hardly knowing you.

“Did she say yes?” you asked as he pulled away from the hug. “I almost forgot to ask.”

“Yeah, she did.”

---

Lesson #1: The First Date

In the chaos of the week that followed, you’d almost forgotten that you promised Nate your assistance before the date. You weren’t used to being accountable for someone else like you were now, so it wasn’t surprising.

“There is a man at reception asking for you.”

The office receptionist, Debby, was standing in the doorway with a giddy smile on her lips. You knew immediately from the look in her eye that the man at the front desk was going to be the talk of the office for a week.

You stood, following her out the door of your office and down the hall. As you rounded the corner to reception, you saw Nate leaning against the desk. He was sucking on a mint from the bowl in front of him and smiled wide when he saw you.

“What are you doing here?”

“I have my date tonight, remember?” he asked. One glance at your watch told you that you worked a little too late. You cursed under your breath, turning quickly to head back to the office and send one last email. Nate hesitated, but ultimately decided to follow you down the hallway. He eyed the pencil skirt you were wearing, eyes lingering a little too long on your ass. He shook his head from his trance, knowing damn well that he was just asking for trouble.

Nate lingered in the doorway of your office for a moment before his eyes landed on a picture frame across the room that caught his attention. It was a marble frame without a photo like it had been removed and never replaced. He picked the frame up and turned it over in his hands, then turned to you.

“You need a picture.”

“What?” you asked, eyes still trained on the screen. They flickered up to see what he was talking about and then got right back to work. “Used to be a picture of me and my ex. Nobody’s important enough to put in.”

Nate placed the frame down. He felt a pang of sadness for you in that moment, but distracted himself by moving onto the next shelf and playing with some of the desk games on it. He was in the middle of fiddling with your Rubiks cube when you stood from the computer.

“You’re wearing that?” you asked. Nate winced at the question, glancing down at the jeans and t-shirt he was wearing. When he looked back up, you were wearing a shit eating grin. “I’m fucking with you.”

“Jesus, YN.” He clutched his heart and released a deep breath. You rounded the desk and grabbed your jacket from the hook. As you swung it over your shoulders, Nate stepped up to help. You slipped your arms through the arm holes trying to suppress the flair up of butterflies in your stomach.

When you reached the sidewalk outside the building, you led him down the block to a florist. Their window displays were your favorite in the city and you often found yourself going out of the way to peak at them on shitty days. You daydreamed about the day someone bought you a bouquet from there specifically.

The bell above the door rang as you stepped in. The smell of fresh flowers hit your nose and you sniffed it in happily. You grinned back at Nate and he felt a tug at his heart at your excitement.

“Can I help you?”

You bounded over to the woman behind the counter, Nate following behind you a little awkwardly. You gave him an expectant look and then his brain finally caught up with the question. As he leaned forward to look at the flowers in the case in front of you, his hand pressed against the small of your back.

“What would you get?” he asked curiously. You took a sharp intake of breath at the lack of space between you and pulled away to look at the flowers.

“Sunflowers and baby’s breath are my favorites.”

Nate smiled at the woman behind the counter and repeated what you’d just said, adding, “It’s for a first date, so I don’t need it too big or anything.”

You laughed at his explanation, and then the blush that come to his cheeks when he realized how silly he sounded. Neither of you noticed the confused look on the florist’s face. She was about to comment on how cute the two of you were, and in hindsight she was glad she kept her mouth shut. He reached out and squeezed your arm as a warning to stop teasing him. You stepped away completely, still smiling stupidly as he turned to pay.

“I’d’ve put roses in there too,” you told him once you were back on the sidewalk. “But this is only a first date. It might’ve been a little intense.”

“Roses?” he asked. You hummed in response, plucking the flowers out of his hand as you continued in the direction of the restaurant he was meeting his date at. “Good to know, you know, for the future.”

The walk to the date spot was only about ten minutes long and most of it was spent talking about your plans for the weekend as opposed to his date. He was going to be away with the team and you had plans to visit family. You kept thinking to yourself that you needed to stop getting distracted by him and his good looks and his sweet disposition. He was dating someone, and that person was not and would not be you, but he kept surprising you with the way he weaseled himself into your life.

“We’ll have to hang out next week sometime, then,” he said, snatching the flowers back out of your hand playfully. You nodded, but you were taken by surprise. It didn’t make sense that he’d want to hang around you without getting something out of it, whether it was dating advice or something more. Clearly, Nate didn’t care and you were beginning to wonder if maybe you’d get a beautiful friendship out of this nonsense.

“Any last-minute advice?”

“Don’t say anything dumb,” you said to him, emboldened by the realization that you might actually be friends now. Nate laughed out loud. “You think I’m just being funny, but sometimes you say stupid shit.”

“Jeeze,” he muttered. “Way to fuck up my self-esteem right before a date.”

“Oh, please.” You rolled your eyes and came to a stop just before the crosswalk he’d be using. He slowed to a stop as well, the bouquet of flowers falling to his side as he looked down at you. You reached out to right them with an amused smile. “Careful with these.”

“Got it, boss.”

You stalled a moment more, gazing at the flowers. You almost felt jealous of the girl going to dinner with Nate because those flowers would look perfect in a vase on your dining room table. “God, I really hope she appreciates those.”

The tone of your voice took Nate by surprise. It sounded a little sad, and full of yearning, and he felt kind of bad that he’d be walking away with the flowers you’d been admiring the entire walk from the florist. Even so, you said your goodbyes and he watched you turn on your heel to head home. He felt stuck in place, eyes trained on your retreating frame while his feet were cemented to the sidewalk. Before he could second guess himself, and his motives, he called out your name.

“Wait, YN!” When you turned, he was halfway down the sidewalk to you and, once he was within arm’s length, he plucked a sunflower from the bouquet and extended it. “For you.” Your cheeks felt red hot as your fingers curled around the stem. You hoped he couldn’t notice a blush. If he did, he didn’t make it known and left with a simple, “I’ll talk to you later.”

A stupid smile sat on your lips the entire way home. You felt the thumping of your heart long after you’d entered your place and placed the flower in the dining table vase. No matter what you found yourself doing that night, Nate remained at the back of your mind. You swore to yourself that it was because you wondered how his date was going, nothing more. But, when your eyes kept finding their way to the sunflower on the dining room table, you worried that maybe the reason you couldn’t stop thinking about him was something more.

---

You grabbed dinner with Mel the next Tuesday. Because of your trip to visit family, the two of you agreed to take a week off and reschedule some sort of get together for Tuesday. Gabe was home so he’d be with Linnea, and you were just happy that it wasn’t Monday. She was in the middle of a story when your phone lit up beside you; Nate’s name was on full display.

When’s our next lesson?

You snatched the phone off the table and away from Mel’s prying eyes, hoping that it wouldn’t peak her curiosity. The movement itself was enough to stir her, though, and Mel was soon leaning forward to see what was going on. She reached out and pushed the phone down, craning her neck to read the text.

“Next lesson?” she asked, eyebrow quirking. “Who is this?”

“It’s Nate MacKinnon.”

You said it so quickly and so nonchalant that Mel actually continued picking at her brunch before she reacted. Her fork clattered to the plate. “Did you just say Nate MacKinnon?”

“This,” you began gesturing at her wild eyes and wicked smile, “is exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

“Why?” she asked, feigning innocence. “Because I’m totally going to take this and run with it?” You dropped your face in your hands. “You should go for it. He’s a little dumb, but mostly cute. You definitely have the patience to deal with him though.”

“Mel, it’s not like that at all,” you told her. “I’m helping him learn how to be more romantic.” Her eyebrows shot up to her hairline in shock. “I’m serious. You know just as well as I do that he’s bad dating. He asked for my help after we met. I have enough experience with douchebags to tell him what not to do.”

“You sure do,” Mel agreed. You laughed at her response and an easy smile spread across her face. “Maybe teaching him a thing or two about how to be romantic will remind you of what you deserve.”

You sighed, picking up the coffee in front of you to take a sip. Mel knew better than anyone, besides Mara, how shitty the guys in your life had been. She met your ex last year just before your break up and she hated him from the moment you introduced the two. He never deserved you and her heart broke the longer you spent wasting your time on him. When you finally ended it, she was your biggest supporter.

You left the message unanswered, not wanting to give her anymore ammo in what was sure to be her new mission. When she got up to head to the bathroom before the check came, you opened the message from him. The last conversation was from Saturday night and he was letting you know that the girl he’d gone out with was looking forward to their next date.

What do you need help with now?

Do you know how to cook?

---

Lesson #2: A Homemade Meal

“I can’t believe you don’t know how to cook,” you grunted as soon as Nate pulled his apartment door open on Friday night. The grin on his face was anything but apologetic and you pushed past him with two large grocery bags in hand. You brought them to the kitchen and began unpacking them onto the counter.

“I do know how to cook, by the way,” he said, stepping up beside you to help you remove everything from the bags. You eyed him skeptically. “Mostly just the basic meats and vegetables.”

“You can’t cook a date your pregame meal.”

Nate knew that. He wasn’t that stupid, but he did love saying stupid shit around you. You tended to roll your eyes at him, but your lips always gave away how you really felt about his stupidity. The right side always curled up into a smirk, like you were trying to fight the laughter bubbling in your chest. He loved it when you did that.

“Is this, like, a meal your ex used to make?” he asked after grabbing some spices from the cabinet. You were grateful that his back was turned because the easy smile on your lips disappeared at the reminder of him. You busied yourself with the pot of water on the stove and set it to boil.

“No, my ex never actually made dinner for me,” you answered in a poor attempt to keep your voice steady.

Nate stopped prepping the meat and turned to face you. Questions sat on the tip of his tongue, begging for him to ask, but you wouldn’t look at him. He felt a little bit angry at your confession, though he couldn’t quite place why. Admittedly, he had been that boyfriend before – the one that didn’t cook dinner. Now, he was mad at himself for ever being that guy.

When you didn’t turn to look at him, he dropped the subject. You worked in silence, you busy with the pasta and him with the chicken. As you waited for the food to be ready, you hiked yourself up onto the counter. Nate grabbed a bottle of red wine from the end of the counter and poured glasses for the both of you.

He stood across from you with a dish towel over his shoulder and his own glass of wine in his palm. He asked about work and you filled him in on all the hot office gossip. The smile on his face didn’t fall once as he listened to your stories, and he never tried to change the subject or take over the conversation for himself. After a while, you stopped.

“I’ve been talking forever.”

“Yeah, and I’ve been enjoying it,” he told you. You laughed. “I wish I could be a fly on the wall in your office.”

Feeling a bit bolder, you kicked your foot out and nudged his side. “Maybe I can take you to bring your pet to work day.”

Nate’s jaw dropped, a reaction you weren’t expecting, and you began laughing hysterically at his surprise. He placed his wine glass down beside him and took a step closer, wrapping a hand around your ankle to tug you closer to the edge of the counter. You yelped in surprise.

“Pet?” he asked. You wiggled your foot out of his grasp, giggles falling from your lips as he dropped his hand to his side. The oven started beeping, interrupting whatever moment you were having before it could continue. “Saved by the bell.”

“Looks good, Nate,” you praised as he pulled it out of the oven. “My mouth is watering.”

“Go sit down,” he ordered. “You have to evaluate my presentation and make sure I look good.”

Nate entered shortly after you sat down and placed the plates on either side of the table with a smile. He slipped back out and returned with the wine. There was mischievous glint in his eyes as he topped your glass off and added to his.

“How is it?” he asked, leaning back. A look of cockiness flashed over his features and you felt it in your stomach when you looked at the way his arms were crossed and his biceps filled out the sleeves of his t-shirt. You picked up your utensils and cut into the meal, picking up a bit of each piece before putting it in your mouth.

Nate leaned forward eagerly. He watched your eyes light up when the flavor hit your tongue and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. You nodded emphatically as you swallowed your first forkful. He cut into his own meal and the moment he took a bite, he moaned. The meal was so good that conversation was sparse and, by the end, it looked like your plates had been licked clean.

You didn’t stop Nate from filling your glasses again, though you figured you should have. The third glass always lowered your inhibitions.

“How pissed off would you be if I asked you about your ex?”

“Not pissed off,” you answered. You took a sip of the wine, then leaned your cheek in your palm as you spoke. “What do you want to know?”

Nate sat up at this, suddenly realizing that he hadn’t prepared himself with a question because he didn’t think you’d give him the go ahead. He let out a tuft of breath, took a sip from his glass, and thought. Finally, he asked, “Why’d you break up?”

“How long do you have?”

“As long as you need,” he answered. His voice was soft, comforting, and you felt yourself relax into the question.

“Honestly, I didn’t want to break up with him,” you began. “And, if I didn’t have friends like Mel and Mara, I might still be with him. Things have changed now, though. I realize what a crap human being he was but, if I stayed with him, I don’t think I would’ve realized how much better I deserved.”

“Did you fight a lot?”

“Do I seem like the fighting type?” you teased. He shook his head. “He did enough fighting for the both of us. He would yell at me for no reason sometimes, just because he felt like it.”

Nate was angry. His features were contorted in distaste as you told him about your ex. Even though you tried to make light of the situation with a few light-hearted jokes, Nate couldn’t find it within in him to react with laughter. You deserved so much better than what you’d been given.

“When I broke up with him, Mara was there. We packed my things and moved it all out. I was going to leave a note, but he came home from work early and caused a scene. He went out the night after and sent me all these videos and pictures of him out with his friends. They were flipping me off, girls were draped all over him, etcetera. I blocked him the next morning and I haven’t seen him since. That was over a year ago.”

“Fuck,” he muttered, dropping his head in his hands. He felt ashamed. “That’s why you yelled at me.”

“Yep,” you answered. “Emotions got the best of me.”

“I don’t blame you.”

Silence filled the room and you felt vulnerable. You didn’t share the story about your tumultuous relationship often, but with Nate it just slipped out. You grabbed your glass from the table and finished it off.

“I’m not staying for another,” you announced. Nate sat back, his face flashing with an offended expression. As you gathered the plates from the table, you tried to ignore the knots in your stomach that were becoming more and more prevalent when he was around. “Nothing good ever happens after the third glass. But, if I was your real date, I would definitely stay for a fourth and you would probably get to kiss me at the end of the night simply for how good that meal was.”

The words fell from your lips so easily that it shocked you and you hoped that the playful tone of your voice wouldn’t scare him off. You gathered yourself before turning back to look at him. He was still sitting at the table, chair pushed back with one arm over the back of it. The way he was looking at you was lethal, eyes drinking you in as you stood in his kitchen. You couldn’t tell if you were imagining the tension or it was real.

“Thank you for dinner,” you said finally. You grabbed your bag from the counter and pulled it over your shoulder as you headed for the door. Nate stood then to walk you out, pulling the door open as you slipped into your sneakers. “It was delicious.”

“Thank you for teaching me how to cook something actually good,” he said. “Poor girl would’ve been eating chicken and vegetables or pasta if you hadn’t come by.”

“Can’t let that happen, can we?” you asked. “Let me know how dinner goes.”

Nate leaned down, wrapping an arm around your waist to tug you into a warm embrace. You melted into his arms as yours came up and around his neck. For a moment, the two of you just stood there in each other’s arms. You wondered if he could feel the beat of your chest again him. It sped up as his hands flattened against your back, crossing over each other to engulf you completely.

“I’m not that kind of guy,” he said. He leaned his cheek on the top of your head and his chest rumbled beneath your own cheek as he spoke. “You know that, right?”

Your blinked away tears before he couldn’t notice then and nodded in response to his question.

When he pulled back, he leaned in to press a kiss to your cheek and his lips caught the corner of your mouth. An electric shock coursed through your bloodstream and you pulled back quick before offering one last smile and tossing a goodbye over your shoulder.

---

Nate called you the next Friday night with plans for Saturday.

“Mel and Gabe invited a bunch of the guys over and she told me I should see what you were doing tomorrow.” he said. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you much since last week. The guys would love to meet you.”

“Meet me?” you asked. “So, it’ll be more than just the ones I know?”

“A few more,” he answered with a laugh. “They’ll love you, okay? I’ll be at your place to get you at 5:30.”

It was the first time you were going to see him since you made dinner together last Friday. You exchanged a few texts throughout the week, but nothing of substance. You knew his dinner date went well, though you didn’t know to what extent. You found yourself wondering if she stayed for that additional glass of wine after dinner, or if she stayed for the night after.

He showed up to your apartment wearing a white dress shirt, sleeves rolled to his elbows. You welcomed him in while you went back to your room to get your heels on. He gaped at the dress you were wearing as soon as you had your back to him. His eyes wandered over your curves as you bent to grab your heels from the floor in your bedroom. When your dress slid up your thighs, he had to force himself to look away.

You tried to get more details about his dinner date out of him on the way to Mel’s, but he kept quiet. She liked dinner, she stayed for an extra glass of wine, and then she went home at the end of the night. An invisible weight lifted from your shoulders upon hearing she didn’t stay the night and you settled back into his passenger seat.

Nate noticed the way you relaxed into the seat and tore his eyes from the road for just a moment to sneak a peek at you. You were watching the world go by from the window, unaware that he was even looking at you. When he turned his attention back to the road, all he could think about was his sweaty palms and accelerated heartrate. Why did he care so much about what you thought?

Everyone was already at the house when you pulled up. The two of you walked up the driveway, his hand against your lower back much like it had been in the florist. Mel opened the door, lunging to sweep you into her arms and whisk you to the kitchen, her husband and your, well, Nate left behind.

“Thanks for having me, Mel.”

She handed you a drink complete with a salted rim and said, “I’m glad Nate asked if you could come.”

“Nate asked?” you repeated. She affirmed with a nod and ushered you to join the others in the living room while she and Gabe finished dinner.

You swore half the team was there, which meant not one seat was open on their couch. As you passed Nate, he grabbed your hand and sat you on the arm of his chair. He pulled your legs over his lap and began introducing you to the boys you didn’t already know.

You caught Cale’s eyes and felt heat rise to your cheeks. Out of everyone in the room, he was the only one making note of the lack of space between you two. Though you weren’t technically sitting in his lap, it still felt a little inappropriate. Nate’s hand was like fire where it rested against your thigh and you had to remind yourself to stop peeking at the placement.

Nate lied about your invitation to dinner, and for what? He could’ve just invited you himself instead of disguising it as a joint decision between him and Mel. What was he so afraid of that he couldn’t man up and admit he wanted you there? Better yet, why didn’t he ask Gianna?

You somehow ended up seated away from Nate at the dinner table. Cale settled in on one side of you and EJ occupied the other. Across from you sat JT and Tyson, bickering as always. You don’t know how you ended up separated from Nate, but you welcomed it because you needed the breathing room.

The meal was delicious, but Nate couldn’t even enjoy it because you were so far away. He was going to get fucking whiplash because of the way he kept looking back to see who you were talking to or hear what you were laughing at. How did he even end up this far down from you?

On the other hand, he couldn’t stop the smile that kept creeping up to his lips when he saw you with his teammates. They loved you, probably almost as much as he did, and he was proud to have you by his side that night. But then came the harsh reality that you weren’t actually his to show off.

When the party relocated, he made sure to slide up next to you on the way to the couch. EJ’s laughter mocked him, but you didn’t catch on to his teammate’s playful ribbing. With Gabe and Mel’s eyes in the room, he didn’t pull you over his lap and opted to lower his arm over the back of the couch instead. There were just inches between your skin and his but, after having you on his lap earlier, it felt like miles.

Drinking games were played, stories were shared, and you all left the house with full bellies and large smiles. Nate was driving, so he eased up on the drinks after dinner. You, on the other hand, were feeling just as free as you did after three glasses of wine at his place last week, and feeling daring enough to ask him the question that’s been on your mind all night.

“Why did you tell me that Mel asked you to invite me?”

“What are you talking about?”

“When you invited me, you said that Mel told you to,” you explained in a slow voice as if you were breaking the situation down to a child. “But she said that you asked if you could invite me.”

“Why does it matter where the invite actually came from?” he asked. A slight panic was rising in his chest because he didn’t have an answer for you. This wasn’t supposed to come back around to you. “Everybody wanted you here anyway.”

“Why didn’t you ask Gianna?” you asked, stepping down to join him on the path to the driveway. He rolled his eyes at this, and you noted it because though you’d done it to him many times, he’d never done it to you. He began walking, so you followed. “Are you going to answer my question?”

“Because I didn’t want to introduce her to everyone yet,” he answered. “You just fit in with us.”

Nate saw your face fall and decided not to push the conversation any farther. He said something wrong, but he didn’t know what. As far as he thought, he was complimenting you. He was complimenting how easy going you were, how his friends got along with you so easily. You were already a part of the group. It was great.

You continued along to the car in silence, not bothering to argue with him over a dumb comment. He wanted friends, so you were giving him friends, but the touches and the invite to team dinner was something more than friends. You needed distance. And he needed to figure his shit out, fast.

---

Lesson #3: Meeting the Friends

Something changed. When Nate dropped you off that night, he left you with a half-assed hug and a quiet goodbye. You couldn’t catch a wink of sleep that night because something changed. But then, Nate texted you tomorrow and tried to carry on as normal. Things weren’t normal.

And you knew that for sure when Nate didn’t invite you to EJ’s house the next weekend. Mel invited you instead and since you could never say no to Mel, you went. The thought of texting Nate to let him know passed briefly through your head, but the sheer fact that he hadn’t even bothered to talk to you about it in the first place was enough to decide against it.

When you entered EJ’s living room, you knew exactly why he hadn’t asked. Gianna was sitting on his lap, fingers curling through his hair as they talked. Anger rose in you no matter how hard you tried to suppress it. Just last week he said he didn’t want to bring her around and now she was here? Now she was here and he couldn’t even talk to you?

There was an uproar as Nate’s teammates noticed you standing in the doorway and Nate’s eyes cut to you in surprise. You lifted your hand in a pathetic wave before Cale was wrapping his arm around your shoulders and leading you to the kitchen.

“Who’s the girl with Nate?”

“His new girlfriend,” you answered, hoping that you didn’t sound bitter. “I don’t even know if that’s the right title for her, but they’ve been on a few dates.”

Cale let out a soft hum, his tone indecipherable, just as Tyson entered the room.

“What’s the deal with Nate’s new girl?” he asked as soon as he saw it was just you and Cale in the room. When you didn’t answer, he nudged you for an answer.

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“Well, she’s no you.”

---

Nate couldn’t help but ask himself, “What the fuck are you doing?”

As you were pulled into his teammates arms, he watched and couldn’t decide whether he wanted to get up and hug you too or if he just wanted to disappear. When Gianna’s fingers gripped his bicep, he decided he wanted the latter.

That’s when you looked at him, of course, and the smile that was on yours lips faded just a bit. At least, that’s what he thought. You lifted your hand in a wave before Cale was looping his arm around your shoulders and directing you towards the kitchen.

“Who was that?” Gianna asked, fingers curling into the hair at the nape of his neck.

He looked up at her with a simple answer. “One of our friends.”

Gianna kissed him and for the first time since he met you, Nate thought about what it would be like to kiss you instead. He brought her to EJ’s in a pathetic attempt to right the way he was feeling about you, but it only made it worse.

---

“Nate was weird last night,” Mel murmured after Cycle the next morning. You were waiting for her to say something. Since all the guys made comments the night before, you knew Mel was next. “Did you guys fight?”

“Fight? Me and Nate?” you repeated, stalling for time. “We didn’t fight.”

“What did you think of his girlfriend?”

“I actually didn’t get to talk to her,” you answered. You shrugged, giving the illusion that you didn’t care all that much even though you were fuming. After all the help you’d given him, he couldn’t be bothered to introduce you to her? And that wasn’t all. He hardly spoke to you all night, only entertaining conversations with you when someone else was around. You ended up spending most of the night with EJ.

“My sitter just bailed for tomorrow.” She’d been tapping away at her phone for a few minutes, no doubt panicking to Gabe. You watched her a moment longer as you wondered what her plans were for the next day. Then, it occurred to you.

“There’s a game tomorrow, right?” you asked. She nodded, still typing out messages to whoever was on the other end of the phone. “I can watch Linnea tomorrow. Don’t worry about finding a sitter.”

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.” She waved you off absentmindedly and continued talking, “Besides, I thought Nate had a ticket for you or something. Didn’t he ask you to go?”

“Tomorrow?” you said incredulously. “No, absolutely not. Isn’t it like a WAG game? It would make no sense for me to be there.”

“Oh,” she murmured. “I just thought that he told Gabe,” she paused and noticed your set jaw. You were clearly not Nate’s biggest fan at the moment, so she decided to tread carefully. “You know what? Nevermind. I would love it if you could watch Linnea.”

---

As expected, Linnea was an angel the next day. You spent the time lounging in their living room with the game on TV while you played together. She took a bottle in the middle of the game and you brought her to her nursery once she’d been burped to rock her to sleep. But, you couldn’t quite peel yourself from the chair to put her in her crib. She was sleeping so peacefully and for the first time in a while you felt calm, so you stayed with her in your arms long after she’d fallen asleep.

You didn’t know what time it was when Gabe and Mel got home, but you heard their car doors close. You waited for them to happen upon you in the nursery, so you were surprised when it was Nate that knocked at the door.

“Hi,” he whispered, stepping into the room. He studied the decorations as he approached the rocking chair you were sitting in. When he stepped up beside you and admired Linnea, you tried not to look up at him. You knew it wouldn’t help the butterflies in your stomach, but you did it anyway. He was smiling down at the peanut in your arms. “Mel and Gabe are in the kitchen. They saw you on the baby monitor and told me to come get you.”

“Okay, I’ll put her down and meet you in there.”

“I can wait for you,” he said, stepping away. You stood, cradling Linnea to the crib and then craning to put her down in the center. Nate was watching you intently from the doorway with an unreadable expression on his face.

He stepped out into the hallway first, but he wasn’t walking towards the kitchen. He stood, waiting for you to stepped out into the hallway and look at him. You gave him a half-assed smile, still feeling a little hurt that things had been so weird between you two, and he asked, “Are we okay?”

“We’re fine,” you answered. He wasn’t convinced, but you reached up and shoved him lightly to get him to move down the hall. He didn’t budge, hand coming up to grasp yours against his chest. The beating of his heart sat right at your fingertips. “How was your game?”

“It was good,” he answered. “I wish you were there.”

“Well, then, you should’ve asked me to come,” you said, quite boldly. His lips parted, but whether it was to speak or not you wouldn’t know because you were continuing down the hallway without him.

You slipped into the kitchen to find Mel, leaving the men on the couch in the living room. The moment you stepped in, she was turning to greet you with a smile. You hissed, “Are you behind this?”

“I mentioned you were babysitting, his eyes lit up, and Gabe was the one to invite him over.”

“Team effort?”

She feigned an apologetic smile before ushering you out to rejoin the boys. Gabe got the fire going and Mel curled in his chest once he settled back on the couch. You sat on the other end, legs extended towards Nate in the corner. You felt his eyes whenever there was a suspended silence. You knew he was thinking about you, and selfishly you relished in the attention.

“YN, did you know that Nate’s parents were visiting next weekend?” Gabe asked during a lull in conversation. Nate glared at him, but the Swede happily ignored his buddy at the center of the couch. His eyes cut to you.

“I didn’t,” you answered. “But that’ll be fun. I know how much you missed them.”

All he could offer was a stupid ‘yeah’ before Mel swooped in to save the entire group from a very awkward moment.

Nate was going to kill Gabe. He was going to kill Gabe, but first he had to make a decision. He knew exactly what he had to do. It felt like you were a thousand miles away, not only physically but emotionally. Gabe should’ve kept his mouth shut. He was going to have you meet his parents, he just hadn’t gotten the chance to ask. Now, he looked like a dick. You couldn’t even look him in the eye.

“I was going to tell you about my parents,” he said, practically chasing you down the driveway after you ducked out while he was in the bathroom. To his surprise, you stopped walking and waited for him to catch up. “Seriously.”

“It’s getting hard to believe that, Nate,” you said. “I don’t know what’s going on in your head.”

Nate felt his heart sink. He began to rack his brain for a way to salvage the conversation, but it was too late by the time you reached your car. You stopped before opening the door to look up at him.

“You’re thinking too much.”

“I just—I know you’re upset with me,” he began. “I want to make it better. We haven’t really talked since EJ’s, and that’s on me.”

“Were you going to invite me today?” you asked. He gave you a curious look. “To the game. Mel mentioned something about it at Cycle. That you told Gabe you were thinking about giving your ticket to me.”

Nate ran his hand over his face. The Landeskogs had really gotten him into some trouble here, and he wasn’t sure it was accidental.

“You’re the one I wanted at the game,” he admitted. “I wanted to invite you, but I knew how bad it would look if I didn’t ask Gianna.”

“So, you invited her,” you concluded.

“No.”

You looked at him in shock, mouth agape, and asked, “You’d rather no one go than give the ticket to her?”

“Well, when you put it that way,” he grumbled. You threw your arms up in surrender, hoping the words would sink in. “I don’t know, YN.”

“Yes, you do,” you argued. He kept his mouth shut at that, knowing you had enough. You sighed heavily, allowing the conversation to roll off your back. “When are your parents going to be here?”

“Saturday morning.”

“What are you planning to do?”

“They’ll be at my game in the afternoon and then I was getting us a reservation for dinner,” he trailed off only momentarily. “I haven’t made it yet because I was going to invite you, but Gabe beat me to the punch in there.”

“What about Gianna?”

“YN, if I didn’t want her at my game, why would I want her to meet my parents?” he asked. He made it sound like you were asking the stupidest question in the world. But, he wasn’t answering the most important one. Was he breaking up with her? You wanted to ask, but part of you didn’t want the disappointment. He worried while you thought.

“I’m around on Saturday,” you answered. He smiled, and you forced one back. You hated the feeling between you two. The air between you had never been so stuffy and you wanted to clear it. “Anything else you wanna tell me before the Landeskogs do? Is Sid actually your long-distance girlfriend?”

Nate laughed loudly as he stepped away. He answered your question cryptically, “No, nothing to tell you right now. Not yet.”

---

Lesson #4: Meeting the Family

You planned to meet Nate at his apartment before dinner since his parents had gone to the hotel upon arrival. On the way, you picked up a box of pastries from your favorite bakery. You were taught to do little things for important people, and anyone who was important to Nate felt important to you. You tried not to think about the implications of having dinner with his parents, but it was hard to shake the nerves.

“What’s this?” he asked as soon as he opened the door. His finger slid over the logo on the top of the pastry box, eyes catching on the word bakery. When he looked up at you, his eyes were shining. “For me?”

“For your family,” you told him. “Don’t get any ideas.”

“I thought maybe you heard about my break up and you were trying to comfort me,” he said like it wasn’t breaking news. “I’ll put these in the kitchen.”

“You broke up?” you asked, following him to the kitchen. You stopped in the doorway as he put the pastries on the counter. He nodded simply as he cleared some clutter from the countertop. You could see his muscles moving beneath his navy polo. Guiltily, you couldn’t stop yourself from admiring the way the sleeves hugged his biceps or the wide expanse of his back and shoulders. “What happened, Nate?”

“We can talk about it later, alright?”

“Are you single or not?” you asked. Nate caught the frustration in your tone and he’d be lying if it didn’t make him want to kiss you right then. You needed to know what was going on with him, and that made him feel good about whatever was going on between you two.

Nate started to exit the kitchen, but stopped in the doorway beside you. You were crowded against his chest as he smiled down at you and answered, “Yeah, I’m single.”

You released a breath once he stepped out of the doorway. He slipped his shoes on while you stood nearly the front door. He caught the look on your face, a little scrunched up as you spaced out. You were thinking too much, worrying about what happened with him and Gianna. When he walked back over to the front door, he took you by the hips and said, “We can talk about it later, if you want. Right now, I just want to be with you and my family.”

---

“I’m nervous,” you admitted as Nate pulled up to valet outside the restaurant. He looked at you in shock. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not gonna make fun of you,” he promised. He reached over and dropped his hand to your thigh. You pouted at him, and his first instinct was to lean over the center console and kiss it off your lips. He knew better than to risk it all just before dinner, so he grabbed your hand and dropped a kiss to your palm instead. “You’ll be fine. No need to be nervous.”

A heavy sigh left your lips as he stepped out of the car. He rounded the front and opened the passenger door for you, grabbing your hand as you stepped out. After he handed his key to the valet, he laced his hands in yours and led you into the restaurant.

The MacKinnons were already at the table that had been reserved for them. There was uproar of cheers when they saw Nate walk in. You stole a peek at his face and the pure joy on it set your heart aflame. He dropped your hand as you approached the table to hug his parents and sister. They introduced themselves to you as well, sweeping you up in tight embraces like they had with Nate.

“It’s great to finally meet you,” they spoke as they hugged you.

Nate pulled your chair out from across his mother and then situated himself beside you. The menus were passed out and Nate whispered suggestions in your ear while his family members debated their own meals. She took the time to calm her nervous. Parents loved her, so there was no reason to freak out. Eventually the drinks were handed out, orders were taken, and the chaos at the table stopped.

“Now, how’d you two meet again?” his mom asked. You looked at each other, stupidly, both stammering in response until Nate got his shit together.

“We met through friends,” he answered simply. Then, his lips curled up and he said, “She yelled at me.” You dropped your face into your hands, embarrassed by the picture he was painting of you, but they took it in stride, laughing at your expression. “It wasn’t that bad.”

He continued, “As you guys know, I’ve been very unlucky in my personal life.” Sarah snorted at this. Their mother smacked her knee as a scolding. “I literally suck at being romantic and all the guys were joking around about it after I’d just been broken up with. YN called me out, so I asked her to teach me how to be romantic.”

“Well, what’d you learn?”

“How to cook a meal other than my pregame types, and I also have a new favorite florist,” he said. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet and flipped it open to slip out their business card. You didn’t realize he grabbed one. “There are some other things, like her wine rule.”

“Wine rule?”

“Nothing good ever happens after the third glass of wine,” you explained. They laughed at that, though they seemed bewildered by your reasoning.

Nate elaborated, “It just means that if your date stays for a fourth glass, you’ll probably get lucky.”

This earned him a smack on the arm from both his sister and yourself.

Nate’s family was just as kind as he was and it was clear how much they all adored each other. You fit in seamlessly, at least that’s how it felt, and when they asked the waitress to take a picture of them, Nate tugged you into his side to keep you in the frame.

“Take one without me,” you urged him. He just shook his head, gazing down at the picture on his phone. He passed it off to his parents and sister for approval. “Nate.”

“I want you in the picture,” he whispered to you. His hand came up to the back of your neck and he pulled you in to place a chaste kiss to your temple. He pulled away, like kissing you in public and on the forehead was normal now, and asked, “How was your food?”

When you got back to his place after dinner, you presented his mother with the pastries and earned a hug and kiss on the cheek as a thank you. They settled into the kitchen as he made drinks, chatting as a family about the people back home and his life in Denver. You slipped out to go to the bathroom, and give them some alone time.

“I like her,” you overheard his mother say as soon as you slipped out of the kitchen. You slowed your steps on your pursuit to the bathroom even though you knew it would be best to keep walking. You couldn’t help but be a little nosy.

“That’s good to hear,” Nate said. You smiled to yourself. “I like her, too.”

---

Nate’s family only stayed for another hour before you were bidding them farewell from his front door. They squeezed you and thanked you for the pastries, and then began inviting you to visit before Nate had to shut it down. Your heart felt full after spending the night with them, but sitting alone in Nate’s apartment in anticipation of what was to come was scaring the shit out of you.

Your hands were a little shaky and your palms were definitely sweaty. There was change coming, change that was already present, and you were both excited and terrified for it. Nate reentered the apartment not long after. When he saw you sitting on the couch, he released a breath he’d been holding.

“Are you going to stay for another glass?” he asked after locking the door behind him. “That one’s only your second.”

You eyed his smile, heart beat stuttering a bit beneath his gaze, and lifted the glass to your lips to finished what was left. You nodded and followed him into the kitchen. While he filled both your glass and his, you picked yourself up onto the counter like you’d done so many times before.

“I did a bad thing,” he murmured after handing your glass back to you. You raised a brow at him as he reached over to one of the cabinets and opened it to reveal two pastries in a Ziploc bag. “I stole two of them from my mom.”

“Nate!” you exclaimed. He chuckled at your exasperation. “I can bring you to that bakery whenever you want! Your parents don’t live here! It was a gift!”

“And they have the other eleven pastries,” he argued. “They’re not going to miss two.”

Reluctantly, but still with a smile, you took a pastry from his hand. You bit into it at the same time, eyes lighting up at the taste. At the sight of each other’s faces, you were doubled over in laughter before you had the chance to swallow what was in your mouth. You looked away from him to regain composure and only looked back when you were sure you wouldn’t choke.

“Those were fucking good.”

“Only the best for your mom.”

“Thank you,” he spoke. “For the pastries and for hanging out with my family today. I’m sure you had other things to do, but it meant a lot. They’ve been hearing a lot about you.”

“I had a lot of fun with them,” you said. His smile was soft, shy even, and he watched you carefully as you sipped from the glass in your hand. “It was nice to meet the people who made you who you are.”

“Wait until you meet Sid.”

You decided to move from the kitchen to the living room in favor of more comfortable seating. He reached his hand out behind his back, and you linked your fingers with his lazily so he could lead you to the couch. You slowed to a stop as he sat down, legs spread to pull you between them. Your hesitation caused a look of confusion to flash over his features.

“Can you tell me what’s going on inside your head now?” you asked, placing your glass down on the table beside the arm of the couch. He followed suit, then placed his hand delicately at your hip to urge you closer.

“Sure, I can,” he answered. He pulled you into his lap. You looped her arms around his shoulders as he flattened one hand against your back and curled the other around your thigh. “I don’t want to waste those romance rules on someone I don’t really like all that much.”

“You really didn’t like her?” you asked meekly. Of fucking course he didn’t like her, you were thinking. You were in his lap, not her, but you still couldn’t wrap your head around it. “Why?”

“The only reason I looked forward to going on dates with her was because I got to spend time with you before,” he confessed. You felt it all through your body. “I broke up with her the morning after we were at Gabe’s together. After you called me out on my bullshit, I knew I was being stupid.”

“Why me, though?”

“Because you deserve the world and I want to be the one to give it to you.”

It was only natural for you to lean in and capture his lips with yours. After all this time spent waiting and beating around the bush, you didn’t want to wait a second more. It was passionate, and new, and exciting. His hands held you close while your fingers curled into the back of his hair, but he wasn’t close enough.

You swung your leg over to straddle him, not caring that you were wearing a dress with just panties underneath. His hands flew to your hips as you grinded against him. You gasped against his lips at the friction as he held you tighter, teeth nipping at your bottom lip until you covered his mouth with yours again. He guided your hips to grind against him once more, but you braced your hands against his chest to push away.

“I’m not staying for a fourth glass,” you said breathlessly. He smiled up at you, eyes falling to your lips that were red and plump from kissing him. Kissing him! He leaned in, tongue swiping along his bottom lip, and pulled you down by the back of the neck.

He murmured through his kisses, “You didn’t even finish your third.”

At the challenge in his voice, you reached over for the glass on the side table and finished what was left. He held you close, laughing against the crook of your neck. You giggled along with him until you felt his lips against your skin again and a gasp fell from your lips.

“You gotta leave before I pour number four,” he warned, breath ghosting over your neck. He kissed your neck again, this time sucking lightly enough to earn a strangled moan. You pushed back against his chest and stood, flustered as you adjusted your dress and your hair. Nate couldn’t help but smile as he watched you cross the room for your purse. He grabbed a pillow and held it over his lap to hide his hard-on.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asked as you put your heels on the end of the couch. He was admiring your flushed cheeks and your wild hair as you busied yourself. You fastened the strap on each heel before looking back at him. It took everything in you to not go back over there and unbutton the rest of his shirt.

“Nothing,” you answered as you stood. He followed suit, adjusting his dress pants just a bit so he was comfortable and making you giggle in the process. He stepped up beside you and pulled you against him again. He placed one, two, three kisses against your neck then your jaw then your lips.

“Let me make you dinner.”

---

Nate wasn’t going to be able to keep his hands to himself. He knew that the second you walked out of your room in that little black dress, but he was really trying to be on his best behavior. It was technically only your first date and he wanted to impress you. You just weren’t helping very much. As soon as you were in his car, you were grabbing his hand and lacing it with yours to drop them into your lap.

He was a little nervous that he wasn’t going to be able to pull this off. He was sure that he’d fuck up somewhere and you’d go running. And, truthfully, you could tell that he was overthinking every little thing he did. The tension in his shoulders as he moved about the kitchen to prepare everything for dinner was clear.

“What’s wrong with you?” you asked.

He gave you the most pathetic shrug and shake of the head as he tried to wave off your concern with a soft, “Nothing.”

“That’s a lie,” you called him out. “You look stressed.”

“I mean, I am a little stressed,” he admitted, diverting his eyes from yours as he headed over to the fridge. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”

Before he knew it, you were standing between him and the refrigerator. You flattened your hands against his chest and slid them up until your hands were linked behind his neck. A slight tug on him was enough to get him to kiss you. He finally relaxed, arms dropping from the refrigerator door to grip your hips.

“You’re not going to fuck this up.”

“I don’t have a very good track record.”

“You do with me,” you said softly. He looked skeptical, not quite understanding what you meant, so you pressed against him as his arms enveloped you. “You gave me a sunflower the third time we were ever around each other. You’ve cooked me dinner already. Sure, it was under different circumstances, but it counts. Nate, you know exactly what you’re doing. Don’t overthink it.”

“Go sit,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You managed to calm his nerves better than anyone he’d ever known in a matter of seconds. “I’ll plate dinner and then I have to grab something for you, okay?”

Nate entered the dining room a minute later, placing both plates down across from each other before disappearing to grab wine glasses and another bottle of wine. Then, he was off down the hall to his bedroom. Your eyes followed him curiously, wondering what else he could possibly have up his sleeve. He’d already impressed you enough by cooking a meal you didn’t teach him.

“Oh, wow,” you breathed out when he appeared in the hallway with a bouquet of flowers. “Nate.”

“For you.”

You stood to take them from his hands and kiss him in thanks. When you pulled away, your fingers danced along the petals of the roses tucked between the sunflowers and baby’s breath Nate had grown to love too.

---

You filled your glass for a fourth time as inconspicuously as possible after your last bite of dinner, but Nate caught your eye over the bottle as you poured and you knew he knew what you were doing. He tried to stifle his smile unsuccessfully, picking up his own glass to cover it. One sip and his third glass was done.

“More?” you asked, extending the bottle in his direction.

“Four glasses?” he teased. “What do you take me for?”

“Okay, more for me then.”

Your voice was low, eyes dark as they settled on him, and suddenly he was lunging forward to grab the bottle and pour another glass for himself. Your giggles filled the room. He wanted them to echo off his walls forever.

“I want to take a picture with you,” he said. You gave him a curious look, though your stomach was doing cartwheels at the suggestion. “I keep thinking about your empty picture frame and I want you to have something to put in it.”

“We can take a selfie,” you suggested. He was quick to shake his head, pushing away from the table to take your hand and lead you to the patio. He pulled the phone from his back pocket and set it up against the couch. He removed the glass from your hand to place it out of view of the camera.

“Now, this is quite the set up,” you murmured as he moved furniture out of the way so there was ample space to take the photo. Denver’s city lights were sure to be the perfect backdrop and having Nate beside you wasn’t too bad either.

“Well, it has to be perfect if it’s going in your office.”

“How do you know I’ll even want to put it in the frame?” you asked. Nate pressed the timer and turned to walk back at you, smirk on his lips. You were teasing him, but you were playing innocent with those doe eyes. He curled around you, arms pulling your back against his chest to pose for the picture.

“After tonight, I’m sure you will,” he murmured in your ear. “Smile.”

The audacity of a man who tells you to smile after igniting your entire body in goosebumps.

The camera went off in a sequence, five pictures for the one timer. You smiled twice before he reached up to turn your face to his for a kiss. The sound of the shutter had you pulling away from his lips with a giggle. He smiled down at you for the next photo as laughter spilled from your lips, and then he was kissing you again.

When you finally pulled away from him, all giggly and handsy, Nate dragged you along with him to his phone. He curled around you as he flipped through the photos, each one cuter than the one before.

“Are you saying you wouldn’t put that in your office?” he asked. His breath tickled the back of your neck. You were just trying to tease him before, but with the lack of space between you and the way he was looking at you in these photos, you just couldn’t tease him anymore. His fingers trailed up your arms, goosebumps rising in their wake once again.

“How’s that fourth glass of wine treating you?” you asked. Nate tucked the phone in his back pocket as you turned to face him. His hands were on you once they were free, curling over the curve of your ass.

“I shouldn’t have let you talk me into it,” he murmured against your lips. “I’m trying to be good, but it’s impossible to keep my hands to myself.”

“What if I don’t want you to keep your hands to yourself?” you against, arching your body to press against him. You could feel him hard against your hip and knew you had him exactly where you wanted him. You pressed your lips to his and, as you pulled away, you took his bottom lip between your teeth and sucked on it.

A growl ripped through his chest as he lifted you into his arms. Your legs came to wrap around his waist as he carried you into the apartment and slammed the patio door shut behind him. He dropped you onto the bed, one hand coming to tug you towards the end by the ankle. His hands spread your legs so he could step between them and they slid up your thigh, pushing your dress up as they went.

“You don’t know how badly I’ve wanted to do this,” he murmured in your ear as his hands reached your hip, dress bunching around his wrists and revealing your lace panties to him. “Stealing touches in a crowded room just doesn’t compare.”

You lifted your arms as he guided the dress over your body and tossed it to the floor. At the sight of your match set, Nate pushed you up the bed and crawled over you. He peppered kisses along your skin from your collarbone to your chest. He worked his way down your stomach until reaching the top of your underwear. In on swift movement, your thong was on the floor and he was spreading your legs.

“So pretty,” he murmured, fingers spreading your folds. You moaned out as he slipped his finger in. “You like my fingers in your pussy, baby?” You could only manage to nod because he’d already slipped a second finger in. He curled them while he pressed a kiss against your inner thigh. “How about my tongue?”

Nate licked a stripe up your center and you gasped, hands flying down to curl into his hair as he continued to eat you out. He sucked on your pussy, continuing to thrust his fingers into and curl. He dragged moans out of you, obscene words dripped from your lips, and the filthy sound of his tongue filled the room.

“You taste so good.”

You tried to grind against face for some more friction, but he held your hips down and continued. You whined, tugging his hair and arching your back as he brought you to orgasm.

“Nate, I’m gonna cu—” you moaned, toes curling at the feet of his lips around you. Suddenly, cool air shocked your core and your orgasm retreated. You sighed as your whole body sank into the bed at the absence of stimulation. Nate crawled up your buddy, licking a stripe up your neck before attaching his lips to yours.

“Sorry, baby,” he said. He nudged your knees apart and situated himself between them, hand falling to his dick as he lined it up with your entrance. “I just need you to cum on my cock.” You moaned as he pushed his head between your folds. “YN, as long as you’re mine, I’ll never make you feel like you don’t deserve all the most romantic things.”

You answered with a moan as he bottomed out inside you. He watched your face as you adjusted to his size and smiled as you whimpered, pulling your teeth between your lips. You felt so good around him and as he began to pull out and thrust in again, your nails dug into his biceps.

You knew he was trying to take his time, but you could hardly take it. As far as you were concerned, Nate would have all the time in the world to take it slow with you. Tonight was not that night.

“Fuck me harder.”

When you sounded like that beneath him, how could he say no? His previously slow and calculated thrusts became sloppy at your request. He relished in the sound of your moaning and the way you called his name like a prayer. You were unraveling beneath him and he wanted to get you there. He adjusted your leg over his shoulder so he could hit a new angle.

“Come on, baby,” he moaned against your lips. “I wanna see you cum for me.”

He reached down and placed his thumb against your clit, rubbing in circles as he pumped into you. You screamed out and your body arched as your orgasm ripped through you. Nate pumped into you a few moments more as he chased his high while listening to your whimpers. He spilled out into his condom as a string of curses left his lips, then collapsed onto of you to catch his breath.

Your fingers immediately found his hair as your breathing evened out together. His body was hot on yours and a sheen of sweat covered both of you. Nate’s fingers curled around your waist and into your skin, squeezing you like he needed to get closer but couldn’t. Finally, he pulled out of you and sat back on his knees.

“You’re so beautiful,” he sighed, hands rubbing up your stomach to cup your breasts. You shivered at his touch. “I never want to leave this bed.”

“Not even for shower sex?”

“Okay, maybe for shower sex,” he murmured. He picked you up, tossing you over his shoulder to carry you to the bathroom.

---

A few hours (and orgasms later), you were clothed in Nate’s sweats and t-shirt and waiting for him beneath the covers in bed. He was cleaning up the glasses you left on the patio and running the dishwasher, though he was quick to finish it up and return to you. You looked so cute propped up against the headboard that he couldn’t stop smiling as he got ready for bed. He pulled on a pair of sweats, but remained topless as he slid under the covers. Instead of pulling you down to rest on his chest, he dropped his head onto your stomach and pulled you tightly to him. Your fingers carded through his hair.

“Thank you for tonight, Nate,” you spoke. “This was the best first date I’ve ever been on.”

“I’m counting this as our fourth date,” he responded. You laughed at him, slapping his bicep lightly at his teasing. “Let’s be honest, I was trying to impress you this entire time anyway.”

“Consider me impressed.”

Nate pulled you down to eye level with him, heads on your respective pillows, and then turned to shut the lamp off beside him. When he turned back, he pulled you against his chest. With your ear to his chest, you listened to his heartbeat and his breathing as it evened out. His fingers scratched your back ever-so-slightly as if soothing you to sleep.

“Are you happy?” he asked. You looked up at him with a curious gaze. Could he not tell how happy you were?

“Of course, I am,” you answered. “Are you?”

“How could I not be?” he asked. “You’re so far out of my league.”

“No, I’m not,” you groaned. You covered your blushing face with your hands at his words, hoping that he couldn’t feel the beat of your heart. Nate was quick to tug them down, holding them against his own chest. He didn’t care if you felt how hard his heart was beating. In fact, he wanted you to know. He wanted you to know the effect you had on him.

“You feel my heart, right?” he asked. You nodded. “You did that. You do that to me every single time I’m around you.” Your eyes began to water and you tried to pull your hand away from his to wipe the water pooling in the corner. Nate grabbed both your hands with one of his and wiped it with his own thumb. “I’ll never let you go to bed thinking I don’t love you. I’m going to shower you with flowers from our favorite florist and buy you pastries from that little shop you like, and I’ll never make you feel like you need to stifle yourself and who you are on account of me.”

“Nate.”

“Just listen to me, alright?” he asked, voice soft. You nodded. “Your ex stuffed you down and he didn’t appreciate you. That’ll never happen with me, and if you feel like it is, you need to tell me, just like you did when we first met.”

You tried to stammer through some type of coherent response, but words failed, so you kissed him. His arms wrapped around your waist to pull you flush against him and your legs intertwined. He was intoxicating, you couldn’t get enough, but he felt just the same. He wondered how anyone had let you go before and simultaneously thanked them for the gift that was you.

That night, Nate vowed he’d never let you go to bed unhappy and he’d never let you feel any less than perfect. He waited forever for a partner like you, honest and kind, and he finally had it in his hands, in his bed. And you promised that you’d never love anyone as much as you loved him. You just knew it.

#nate mackinnon imagine #nate mackinnon fic #nate mackinnon #nhl imagine #hockey imagine #nathan mackinnon imagine #nathan mackinnon fic

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ewdaviddd · 4 years

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folklore think piece

for a lower case album such as this, i will be writing a lowercase think piece on the subject. i will not explain why. you get it or you don’t.

the 1: i have never been in love or any type of romantic relationship that left me with lasting feelings of any kind. but, on my fourth listen through of this song today, what once was just a promising and fun intro to this peasant girl summer gut punch, brought me to actual tears as i sat on the toilet in my lime green childhood bathroom as if i were mourning the one that got away (another great song). however, i am an expert on being hung up on the past, the “what could have been”, and made up hypotheticals. this song also introduces the film motif seen a lot in this album. i think dating an actor has really gotten to her. anyway what a killer way to begin, top notch stuff. how can a song be so fun and so soul crushing at the same time?

cardigan: when did taylor wear black lipstick? this is important to me. an old cardigan is an inherently bisexual article of clothing. that is not an opinion. i read it somewhere today and i believe it. this is the tip of the queer-coding ice berg in folklore, never fear. another reference, “tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy”. this year i wrote a movie script where both peter and wendy were both gay. coincidence? probably. basically this one is classic taylor poetry on every level and it being one of a trio in a larger story makes it that much better. yet again, high school romance is not a universal experience (like for me for instance) but haunting my “what-ifs” is going to haunt me for a long time. and the thought of someone saying i was their favorite cardigan makes me want to scream into a pillow.

the last great american dynasty: my favorite ts songs have always been the ones with detailed characters and stories and this one introduces the trope of the “mad woman” who comes back later on as well a long with many fun character details. at first this song is just cheeky and cute, very visual, a fun world to jump into. but then this particular stretch of lines makes your heart drop into your chest and reminds you why taylor isn’t just always fun and always cute and always creative, she also holds the ability to nimbly sock you in the gut when you least expect: “fifty years is a long time / holiday house sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.” my jaw is still on the floor. and i’ve never bought a house myself. but i’ve spent numerous christmases having a marvelous time ruining everything (so i’ve been told) so this song still applies to my life.

exile (ft. bon iver): i’m gonna be honest. for as long as i can remember i have strongly disliked bon iver and i never remembered why. it is a matter of principle at this point. i just don’t trust him. but then taylor announced she wrote a song with him which filled me with tremendous anxiety. but i can rest easy. much like “the last time” this song is a ts and male artist collaboration i can get behind. also the film motif again: the only time i’ve left a theatre when i didn’t like a movie was never because movie tickets are so expensive and if i’m shelling out 11 dollars to sit in a chair, i’m staying the whole time no matter how bad the ending. but i probably would have left my sister’s keeper if i had seen it before if i’m being honest. so i get it. thats why i read spoilers for everything i watch before watching it, because the anxiety of worrying about how it ends make me not enjoy it in the first place. the end of this song: the call and response felt… ethereal? i felt like i was watching a broadway musical from the splash zone seats, crying as i was spat on.

my tears ricochet: this song is what i picture stepping outside in the middle of the night when an inch or so of snow has just fallen and i can see the flakes fall in front of a street light sounds like. or the scorned secret ex lover throwing themselves onto the coffin demanding to know why they weren’t enough. which is to say it feels like a sign from some sort of god. yet again, haunting is brought up, an overt reference to the fact that this album will live in my brain rent free for eternity. for some reason this song reminds me of the relationship between hamilton and burr when burr kills hamilton. that could be because i just watched the disney+ recording last week. one lives, one dies, but neither survive, both pay for it. Which is a super romantic and understanding view on murder. both musical experiences equally chilling and moving. if i die under mysterious circumstances this will for sure be played at the funeral.

mirrorball: first off, this is my mom's favorite which is very important. also, it has skewered a very specific but also universal insecurity of mine; existing just to please others and yet miserably failing. it is comforting that ts is not a “natural’ and feels she must always “try try try” because i too lack natural ability, but also rarely “try” even just the one time. the best way i can describe listening to this song is walking through a silent disco where everyone else is listening to some classic lady gaga jam and you are listening to a calming lullaby sung very far away. but don’t let the soothing sounds fool you. it still will have you reflecting on what it means to look and be looked at. a dark rabbit whole, like falling through the looking glass. i’ve never actually read that book though so i could be wrong.

seven: i’m dumb and on my first listen of this song i thought she “hit her peak” at 7 clock as opposed to age seven. but i always saw taylor swift as someone with an early bedtime. also a fun discovery while writing this, “seven” is the 7th song on the track list. clever. although this song is young and innocent and so nostalgic for a time when screaming ferociously was a widely accepted form of expression, it also sounds like a very old secret someone is whispering to me. a love from long ago that lasts beyond the person being in your life, passed down to me and it all just sounds a little gay. not just because of the specific line to hiding in the closet. but that certainly doesn’t go unnoticed. when i was seven i was definitely in love with girls and assumed that was just what friendship was, playing pirates and making plans of running away together.

august: the eighth track for the eighth month. her mind. also my birth month so that’s special. controversial opinion: from what i’ve read most people seem to think illicit affair is the third song in the triage of teen love. i will strongly make the case that it's actually this one. first of all, the subject: a short lived summer fling, which is specifically mentioned later in “betty”. the central heartbreak of this song is liking someone who always belonged to someone else. yes, this song is a window into a different summer, far from pandemic central and the escapist imagery is delightful. but a whole song from the pov of the “other woman” to james and betty is just so much more fun. and there are two more specific lyrics that prove my point. “remember when i pulled up and said "get in the car”” you will see later comes back from the other person’s perspective. and most of all: the repeated line, “meet me behind the mall”? only teenagers make plans to meet up behind a mall. i rest my case. so now we have cardigan and august. two pieces of the puzzle.

this is me trying: i’m glad i now have a succinct message to send to anyone when they ask me what the hell i’m doing at any given moment. this song just sounds like regret and waste in the most self-assured and confident way. this is “back to december” with the training wheels off. i have no apologies for my efforts at wasting all my potential. but in this song, taylor has opened her arms to me in a warm embrace and has forgiven me for all i’ve done wrong and reminds me to not take for granted the “try”. okay mom. i’m crying again, but okay.

illicit affair: this is the kind of thing that makes you feel sixteen, living in a dull suburb, while secretly screwing your 38 year old married neighbor who’s rich but wants to be an artiste. aka like a character in euphoria or something. it’s sexy and dangerous until you think about it and then it's just dingy and creepy. but this song starts and stays beautiful. most importantly, this song is too sad and depressing frankly, to be a part of the trilogy. we could never forgive james for leaving such a mess and making her a fool. you don’t want to be this girl. you want to walk up to her and shake her and yell “you exist and will not be ruined by any dumb man”. and that’s feminism.

invisible string: is it reductive if i say this one’s about joe? all my non-stan friends have asked me which ones are about him. we forgive them and point them in this direction. because it is lovely and beautiful that we are all tied to our soulmate for our whole lives before we ever meet them (because that would in fact mean that there is someone out there for everyone which might be naive or dumb but i am both of those things and whats the point of living if you don’t believe in the power of love). this honestly gives me “begin again” vibes in the best way. it’s red-era level with the wisdom of lover-era tay. sublime.

mad woman: the second mention of the “mad woman” as both taylor herself and the character in the story. as usual, tay stays calling out double standards and the manipulation of women into “going crazy” for expressing reasonable anger. I, personally, wish i could say “fuck you forever” without someone saying i’m “overreacting”. this is my least favorite song on the album and i’d still listen to it three times in a row and need to resist the urge to set a man’s lawn on fire. just girly things.

epiphany: i know she said this one is about her grandfather’s experience in the military but all i imagine is a slow montage of harry style’s character in “dunkirk” on the beach. and it’s beautiful. and much like my sophomore in high school self reading “all quiet on the western front” it evokes a pain from deep inside me that engulfs a loss i could never describe and a sadness too awful to witness. you will listen to this song and feel absolutely powerless to the will of the universe and it’s cruelty. and the faint but steady heart monitor beep in the background… i’ve never seen “grey’s anatomy” but i can imagine why it has so many fans sobbing. and let me end on this: two soldiers in some old war (meaning both men based on dunkirk) watching each other like this and living and dying together…gay.

betty: the first verse was pulled directly out of my subconscious fantasy of being in love in high school and it being so wonderful and painful and dramatic. and taylor riding a skateboard… is a mood. the song has been out for less than a week and it’s already a cold take to talk about how this is her gayest song to date (close runner-ups being reputation’s “dress” and “cardigan”). but of course i will still talk about it. the lyrics embody such authentic awkward gay energy (see the lesbian in booksmart for reference) and having been a 17 year old only three years ago, i can say with reasonably good authority that no 17 year old straight boy could stand in front of a crowd of peers and beg forgiveness from a girl he hurt. it’s just not realistic. these are all awkward, over-dramatic, young girls stumbling through love. and it’s awesome. james is the speaker of this song, and the subject of “august”, the summer fling that was never truly there due to james’ love for betty, the titular role of this song. thus completing the love triangle. and there are so many obvious references in this song to both “august” and “cardigan”. rhyming cardigan with car again makes me want to light myself on fire in the best way. i love it. “i dreamt of you all summer long” is the final nail in the coffin for the girl in “august” who was clearly just a place-holder. totally separate from taylor swift, my favorite word is porch. so the amount of times it appears in her lyrics is wonderful. say it out loud. it just feels nice. anyway, this song makes me want to be young and dumb and in love. the second can really only be tolerated because of the first and third. i hope the story has a happy-ending. if james were a boy i’d wish him the plague.

peace: the coming-of-age movie starring james and betty (and inez) is over. we have come to “the age” i guess. there’s a thought that’s gonna fester. if this song was just the line, “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” over and over for four minutes it would still smash me to pulp and fill my body with helium gas. i can and will cause a car wreck when this comes on the aux. if this song is what being grown up is like (bare in mind grown up to me is like, 30) then i’m ready to be done coming of age. because i already worry if i’ll be at all enough for anyone and way too much for someone at the same time. but like all good poetry, this song isn’t about what it “means”, but how it “feels”. and this is new york city, the summer, pouring rain, a long walk home, desperately fearing and hoping they are there waiting for you.

hoax: a one-sided conversation between me and my stubborn clinical depression. i too, constantly stand alone on the cliff demanding a reason. one has not yet been presented. it operates both within and and against me. i could be bigger and stronger than it. but instead i tend to it like a prickly plant. (“no other sadness in the world will do”). there is nothing both sadder and funnier then the scene in “avatar: the last airbender” when prince zuko stands alone on a cliff screaming at the sky for lightning to strike him. i don’t know why this song reminds me so much of that. what a way to end such an emotional rollercoaster. it is so emotionally draining that it simply forces me to start folklore again from the top and listen to it all over again. or take a long therapeutic nap.

there are no skips. and it will still surprise you on your 267th listen. proceed with caution.

i knew you, in a past life maybe. i have not met you yet, but folklore has made me believe you exist.

@taylorswift 10/10 good work

@taylornation this had to be shared and i don’t have a twitter so

#@taylorswift #@taylurking #@taylornation #taylor swift #folklore #ts8

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readingsbylibramc · 4 years

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birth chart reading for @shadowsaman

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a seesaw shape. your life focuses on different ideals and interests, often constrasting between each other. from one side, this gives you the ability to be adaptable and find solutions easily. on the other hand, you may struggle with balance; for example, you might find yourself dedicating your life to your relationships, neglecting your ego or viceversa. you need to learn how to harmonize these energies.

your dominant planets are mars, the sun and jupiter. you're a very lively person, with big will power and ambition. you can be a bit impulsive and you may sometimes overreact, and that could make you look intimidating at first, but deep down you have a very warm and generous heart.

your dominant sign is aries. you may have a reputation for being impulsive and straight-forward. you don't like beating around the bush, especially when people purposely get on your nerves. on the other hand, you're very loyal and generous when it comes to your loved ones. you're very opinionated, and you always wanna make sure that your voice is heard. you're proud of yourself.

your dominant element is fire. you have a warm heart, even though it may be covered by your confidence and indipendence. in fact, you always strive for the first place. people may be intimidated by your presence, as you're a serious competitor. thanks to this competitive nature of yours you may be very positive and optimistic, making you a good and supportive friend/partner.

🌎 ascendant in leo, 1° / 1st decan ruled by the sun

you’re an extremely confident and bright person, or at least you have a very strong aura around you that makes you look like you are. you have exceptional charisma and presence, in fact this is usually a celebrity placement! you surely don’t go overlooked. you naturally always try your best to make people feel at ease, and you mostly succeed thanks to your warmth, which makes you even more attractive. you probably like being recognized, and you may want to be famous. in fact, you like being in the spotlight and loaded with compliments and appreciation, they incredibly boost your self-confidence. your charisma may sometimes be too noticeable, resulting a bit dramatic; you may gesticulate a lot, imitate voices… basically, you would do amazing at acting, for example. in fact, most actors have a leo rising, or leo placements of any sort. you’re very playful, you most likely look younger than you are for your personality. you may also be a savage, and you’re most likely good at jokes of any kind. you appear as a very bubbly and outgoing person, yet you may be quite secretive. you don’t open up easily, especially about family / private matters. especially with your scorpio influence, you’re very picky when it comes to trusting people. in addition, you’re a perfectionist; you care a lot about everything that revolves around you, from physical appearance to your job, you want it all to be perfect. that can cause you a lot of stress, as you always want to seem at your best state, you despise being seen as weak or unprepared. physically, all leos have beautiful hair. you may have curly, perhaps red or dark hair, or at least it’s very thick. you may have full, plump lips, or at least they have a defined cupid’s bow. you may also have big, round eyes, and all of your facial features are quite soft. you probably don’t have a defined bone structure.

leo ascendant square aries mercury: you appear as a very intelligent individual, and people may even feel intimidated by that. you love interacting with others; even if you're not much talkative, you like hearing about others' theories and opinions. you could also do that by reading blogs, books etc. you may sometimes find yourself in conflict with others, as you’re very opinionated and hate it when others’ opinions are baseless. pretty much, you could seem like a know-it-all. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your words, even though this quality of yours may be overshadowed by introversion at first. since your mercury is conjunct your saturn, I assume that you'll only start seeing this quality of yours when you get more mature, after your 25s. it's hard to find a way to make you come off as more gentle, as you have some of the most fiery and blunt signs in your chart. the fact that your mercury is in aries doesn't help either. you could take advantage of your astute words and sense of humor to get you out of troubles, though! just be careful not to claim that everything hurtful you say is a joke. it's something that aries placements do a lot.

leo ascendant square aries saturn: you may be shy and have self-esteem issues, especially during your early years. because of that, you may often appear as insecure to others, or even unreliable. you have a strong desire to be with someone and commit to them, you despise supertificial bonds, but at the same time you may find yourself being too shy to approach others, especially during your early years. luckily, I feel like the effect of this aspect is mitigated by your ascendant in leo, which makes you more confident. you may not be the most confident person on earth, but you're not the most insecure either. this may apply more to the younger you, actually. you don't feel much comfortable around other people, and others can sense that; your insecurity is exposed to the world, and some may take advantage of that to hurt your feelings. you're afraid of being judged, whether it's for your appearance, or maybe because of your ideals or interests. hence, you end up becoming reserved. this is something that will be solved through growth and time; the older you get, the easier you'll be on yourself. also, thanks to this aspect, you're a responsible person with defined values. to cope with this placement, I'd suggest you to do what makes you feel the best. there are different ways to boost your self-esteem, so maybe you can work on that and then start expressing yourself freely; if you do it without the fear of being judged, you will shine even more.

🌞 sun in taurus, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and saturn

you’re more sharp-witted and pragmatic than the typical taurus. you value stability in both romance and in your day-to-day life, like at work. you take care of your body and style in any sort of way, as your ascendant being in leo confirms. after all, the 3rd decan of taurus is a great balance of beauty and brain. I imagine that you're not extremely extroverted, you may prefer staying in, but I repeat that you still probably have nice social skills. or at least, they're your secret skills. you like keeping your mind active everyday, especially by following your passions. if you’re the logical type, you might enjoy playing sudoku or things like that. on the other hand, if you’re more philosophical you might enjoy reading, writing etc. you have a great sense of duty, that makes you want to excel in whatever you do. in addition to this, you’re also very stubborn. you probably get in arguments with others because you don’t accept their advices/criticism and prefer going your own way. you may also tend to overindulge a bit, and become a bit lazy. you're also very attached to food, but you still keep a healthy diet. you enjoy the finer things in life, but might struggle with jealousy because of that. you have the tendency to look at other people’s achievements and get disappointed about yours.

taurus sun opposite scorpio moon: this placement creates conflicts inside of you, as you struggle to understand what you want and what you need. you most likely want to be very independent, precise and efficient for yourself only. you probably don't like sharing your things and achievements with others, as you strive to be the #1 at everything you do. you're very hard-working and stubborn, and you may also want to be some sort of leader, someone people look up to. yet, while your taurus sun is more practical, your scorpio moon is way more intuitive. even though you may be interested in spiritual or occult matters, such as astrology, religion, tarots, etc., you may sometimes also be skeptical about them, as there's this rational taurus energy to you that makes it hard for you to believe things that aren't concrete. while this is a good placement that allows you to be fair, it also makes you a bit indecisive. you also lack consistency; for example, a week you may religiously follow a diet, and then you just quit it the following week. you could as well feel as if your parents don't understand what you want in life, they may disagree with your ideas for example, and that is obviously frustrating to deal with. you may lack introspection, you always seek for the answer outside of yourself rather than inside. even booking this reading is a proof of this, so I'd suggest you to start understanding your feelings by yourself now that you're aware of this placement. since your moon is in scorpio, this will naturally come to you; you can close your eyes, and then try to picture what you need in life, and ask yourself why. since you also seem quite practical due to your taurus energy, you can also write down your feelings in a journey, I'm sure it would be helpful.

taurus sun conjunct taurus mars: with this placement, you may be even more straight-forward than the typical taurus. you are very impulsive and honest above all, you say things as they are. you don't get hurt easily, you're able to be very brave when you want to, and even if you do get emotionally hurt, you know how to stand up for yourself again. you strive to achieve your goals and make your dreams come true, you're an hard-worker. some may call you impatient, and you may actually be, but in reality you just can't wait for things to happen. for example, let's suppose you're going to the mall to buy the playstation you always wanted. you'd start only thinking and talking about that playstation until you actually get it in your hands. you get easily excited. also, this is another placement that indicates that is hard not to notice you. you have a very strong charisma that makes others stare. you strive to be the number #1 at whatever you do, you're a serious competitor and you'd do anything to win and achieve your goals.

🌙 moon in scorpio, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by pluto and the moon

with your moon in scorpio, you’re way more secretive and cautious than most leo rising people. you tend to preserve yourself, even though it’s hard for you to repress your emotions, as they’re too to intense to bottle them up. you absorb people’s feelings like a sponge, there’s no way that you won’t instantly understand their real emotions. overall, you tend to overreact a lot; you have taurus' sensitive energy on one side and scorpio’s mysterious, almost scary vibe on the other. dealing with these emotional burnouts may be stressing to you, as you totally get caught up in them. even if it looks like you get to know other people often, you actually don’t let others know you. you’re the type of person to talk and socialize, especially after your saturn return, but you never reveal your deepest fears and thoughts to strangers. you only open up to people you’re sure you can trust. when you’re angry, you can literally go as far as using violence; you need to let out your emotions by screaming, swearing… anything that can make you feel better. I’ve noticed that scorpio moons, when they don’t get rid of all their negative vibes when angry, they tend to get physically sick; you could get stomachaches, or maybe even headaches. there’s a secret, sensitive side in you that needs passionate and romantic partners in love. yet, you can’t help but feel more attracted to the ones that may hurt you badly. you’re possibly quite sensitive to higher entities too, like ghosts, spirits and stuff like that.

scorpio moon opposite taurus mars: your feelings are very intense. you may tend to react aggressively, or at least overreact. you feel the constant need to express your emotions, but you also want to be understood by others. you tend to be aggressive because you're actually afraid that others may be the first ones to hurt you. you don't really do it with malice, it's your way to defend yourself from eventual enemies. this placement also indicates that your childhood / family life was or will be quite turbulent, especially since your saturn is located in the 4th house, which is about family and home. to cope with this placement, I'd suggest you to be a little bit more mechanic when you express your feelings. you don't have to hide them, just try not to vent all your anger around. you don't seem strong, you're just exposing your weaknesses in this way.

🗣 mercury in aries, 25° / 3rd decan ruled by mars and venus

you are a fast-thinker, even though that doesn't mean you always take the right choices. in fact, you can change your mind very often. you probably have a beautiful, melodic voice, even though it's likely very loud. you also speak as fast as you think, making it hard sometimes to keep up with you in a speech. you could also switch from a topic to another casually. you don't really enjoy thinking about the past nor the future, you only care about the present and you live it they way you feel; hence, you're not really the type to care about learning from your mistakes. you always see the positive side of them, which can be both good and bad actually. that's because you're quite stubborn, it's hard to make you change your mind. you're very straight-forward, and that could lead you to conflicts as you don't understand the impact your words have on others.

aries mercury conjunct capricorn mercury: this placement gives you limitations and lessons regarding the way you think and talk. it may be that you’re too shy to approach others and to say what you think, so you just don’t try. otherwise, if you actually take action and try to overcome this problem, you could get into troubles. that’s probably caused by the fact that you don’t really pay attention to your words. you’re quite straight-forward, and due to your leo energy you always seem as if you’re up for a fight. you may be particularly pessimistic, or maybe you lack confidence in social interactions due to these problems, which could be possibly caused by your parents, or perhaps interfer in your relationship with your family. in fact, you may argue quite often, and misunderstandings are also common. overall, you have a rather serious way of speaking, you could be very sarcastic or you don't tell jokes often. actually, you could even come off as intimidating. this is something that gets naturally better with time, but in order for it to happen you need to take action. you may for example start speaking more in school, perhaps you could apply for class president. anything that allows you to challenge your mind and voice, in order to make you gain experiences and become a master at it. many celebrities, once they mastered this hard aspect, got loads of success. you can do that too, you just need to work on it.

❤️ venus in aries, 8° / 1st decan ruled by mars

with venus in aries, loving you is an adventure. you enjoy fun, exciting relationships. you're the type who's looking for a risktaker, even dangerous partner. you hate boredom, and this may be your weakness regarding this placement; that is, once the relationship starts getting more serious, you feel as if it's going down, when it's actually the opposite. hence, you just run towards a new adventure. this placement may even give you the reputation of being a player, but I don't think it's your case based on your others placements. you have to understand that relationships can get boring, but that's not necessarily a red flag. it just means you two are starting to feel comfortable together. you also enjoy physical contact, therefore cold partners are a no no for you. you need someone who's affectionate yet bold, and that would spoil you with attention and gifts. you enjoy the little things about love, such as remembering your anniversary or even giving you small presents, especially if they're homemade (like breakfast, poems etc.). you also try to avoid flaky people, as you don't like making relationships seem too light.

☄️ mars in taurus, 21° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and saturn

with taurus mars, you may actually despise working too much. you love challenging your mind, but you're kind of lazy. you'd rather stimulate yourself through your hobbies and interests rather than using school / work, which are quite stressful for you. you need to find something material and concrete to motivate you and make you assertive. you could study just because you need a good grade, or maybe work just to get paid. you don't really do it with interest, as you care more about nurturing your passions than responsibilities. you're not really into conflicts; you'd rather be peaceful with everyone, as you find it a waste of time to argue with someone. most taurus mars tend to be quite passive, yet I don't think it's your case. I imagine that with your heavy aries energy, and also mars being conjunct your sun, you've got a hot temper. you may try to avoid conflicts, but once someone gets on your nerves it's over for them. you're very unpredictable from this point of view, it's hard to decipher you. you may be more verbally assertive than physically, though.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in leo. with this placement, you care a lot about your persona, both physically and also mentally too. yet, you may start feeling like you need to be perfect at all costs to be accepted, especially during your early years. for example, you may be the type to follow fashion trends to look cool, and you may subconsciously force yourself to like them. you need to understand that you should enhance your individuality, and ask yourself who you are. it’s not all about who you are outside, the inside matters even more. you’re free to stand out, but make sure that you do it in a comfortable way for you, or it will start becoming toxic as time goes by. the ruler of the 1st house is in the 10th house: you have big goals for your future, you may even want to be famous. they’re basically the centre of your life, it revolves around your reputation, work and achievements. you’re naturally charismatic, you may be popular or at least it’s easy for you to get known in your community. you may also be very attached to your father or someone older in general in your life, you could have a very long-lasting bond with them.

your 2nd house is in leo. your self-esteem depends on matters like money, possessions, as well as your influence on others. you may feel confident when you’re praised and spoiled with compliments and material things, you may enjoy being in the spotlight as it increases your self-confidence, even though you’re quite shy so you don’t feel very at ease. you feel confident when you’re able to earn money and you’re financially stable, and hence you probably felt guilty as a child to ask your parents for money for example. you probably love luxury, you aspire to become very wealthy, live in the house of your dreams, etc. you could also dream of becoming famous. and actually, with this placement, you could make money from leo-related matters, and hence being in the spotlight, creativity (especially theatre / drama), comedy, etc. also, with the ruler of the 2nd house being in the 10th house, you may get to earn quite a lot of money by working, it's the most efficient way for you to gain money. this placement can also indicate that you may be independent at work, you could create your own business for example.

your 3rd house is in virgo. you’re very precise and polite in the way you express your thoughts. you’re probably very careful to grammar, vocabulary etc… you love looking and being knowledgeable. you’re more a logical type rather than an intuitive person, you hardly ever do something only out of curiosity. you’re very cautious about the decisions you make, and hence it could take you some time to finally choose something, but that’s because you just don’t want to regret anything. you think deeply about your choices, and most of the time they turn out to be right. you’re strongly opinionated, but you may be a bit too harsh when you express your ideas. sometimes you could even hurt someone, as you’re extremely honest. you don’t like sugar-coating your words. you’re also very intelligent and hard-working, and you can’t stand messy things. you’re probably very neat, you like having schedules and you may even keep an agenda / diary where you keep track of your appointments and other things you have to do. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 10th house: this is a placement that indicates that you’ll have to communicate with others in your future career. or maybe, you might write stuff, hence you could be a writer, a journalist, etc. possibly, you would do well as a therapist too. also, you could often have to do short trips to reach your college / work place, perhaps in a bus for example.

your 4th house is in libra, with also the moon placed there. your home environment was probably very pleasant and beautiful, both physically and emotionally. you may have a conventionally beautiful family, or at least they’re particularly attractive and charming. your house may also be very well-designed and elegant, doesn’t matter how big it is. you probably see your parents as ideal, they are your role models and you look up to them, even though they could have been a bit strict from time to time. it could be that you didn’t argue often, probably because you weren’t much rebel as a teen, or even if you discussed there was hardly ever shouting or even violence. you could have possibly also been quite spoiled as a kid. the ruler of the 4th house is placed in the 9th house: it could be that your family is bilingual / foreign, or perhaps they have a different religion / culture. you could also live abroad, possibly with them. or at least, your childhood was filled with experiences, you might have travelled a lot. you could also lived abroad when you were younger, or perhaps you were born in a different place from your parents. it could also be that you were mostly surrounded by older people than you rather than people of your age / younger.

your 5th house is in scorpio. your hobbies most likely include self-expression of any kind, anything that you consider private is told through your creativity. also, with scorpio in this house, you may as well be attracted to darker hobbies like astrology, tarots… possibly, you may be into thriller or even into horror. you may also like psychology, criminology… this type of things that are able to stimulate your mind in some way. you could possibly want to be a risk-taker, deep down. also, you want to become a master in what you like, and hence you tend to go extreme to become perfect. you may dedicate a lot of your spare time to your hobbies, for example, even if you have to work. your romantic relationships may be very intense, you could attract particularly jealous or even obsessive partners in your life. some of them may be painful, but they’ll be essential to become mature and grow up into a better, wiser person. in addition, I see you as the type of person who doesn’t like showing off their partner. you probably keep both your love interests and hobbies personal, you only talk a little about them to your close, trusted friends.

your 6th house is in capricorn. usually, people with a capricorn 6th house are very responsible and work-oriented. they generally don’t leave much space to fun and amusement, you have a strong sense of duty and you may end up overworking yourself, especially with your stellium in the 10th house. on the other hand, this placement could make you an amazing leader, especially in your work environment. you can easily work alone, you can handle it. when it comes to health, you may suffer from problems to your bones, and hence you could wear braces, you may have diseases to your back, etc. the ruler of the 6th house is in the 10th house: you could pursue a career that involves healing, possibly medicine. you could be a therapist of any kind, a doctor, a nurse… even a vet. also, this placement indicates that you’ll communicate something through your career. it doesn’t necessarily have to be with words, you may also communicate in a graphic way, hence you could be an actress, an artist, a photographer etc.

your 7th house is in aquarius. you do like the idea of marriage and love, yet you need your space as well. you don’t want to feel committed in a relationship, it would be suffocating for you. that could make you appear as emotionally cold or detached, when you’re really not. you just care a lot about your personal growth. you also have uranus and neptune placed in this house. perhaps, you could even attract mentally unstable partners, they could be a bit moody for example. you probably dream of a love like those you hear about in fairytales; you're not only looking for a partner, you literally want a prince, who's willing to give their all to you. you find yourself daydreaming often about love, and it may also be your source of inspiration for creativity and art in general. probably, you may idealize people too much; that is, you may create a version of others that only exists in your head. hence, once you get to know someone better, they turn out to be the exact opposite of what you thought. this causes you to be sort of naive when it comes to relationships, so pay extra attention to this problem now that you're aware of it. last but not least, you may meet your future spouse in an unexpected situation.

your 8th house is in aquarius. you're secretly quite rebellious, or at least you have a few unconventional ideals that you struggle to let out to the world. you are extremely open-minded and you have a strong sense of justice, you're always ready to defend others, especially if they're your friends. yet, while this placement makes you extremely open-minded and supportive of others, there are also some bad sides about it. in fact, you may often find yourself being afraid of being unconventional, you tend to conform to others out of fear. you could give up on your own freedom and comfort since you struggle to achieve your independency, you probably care too much about what others think of you. you have troubles stepping out of your comfort-zone, and paired up with your taurus sun, you can't improvise, you're way too logical and you base your routine and actions too much on a schedule. you could also come across some hardships regarding your friends, you may often attract people that could hurt you deeply. yet, these experiences will allow you to learn something grow up in order to become the best version of you.

your 9th house is in pisces, with also jupiter and venus sitting in this house. this is definitely a nice placement! the result is that you're probably extremely open-minded and imaginative. you hardly ever have have prejudices, you judge people way less than the typical leo rising. you're extremely opinionated, and combined with your virgo 3rd house you're constantly looking for the truth. you hate it when people say something wrong for example, you can't help but correct them. you could also be religious and believe in a god. philosophy, literature and poetry are also a part of your many interests. in addition, you're most likely also into foreign languages and cultures. you could travel a lot, or perhaps with your pisces in the house cusp you like travelling with your mind. you probably literally create stories in your head, you're extremely imaginative. a good advice would be not to waste this talent of yours; you could actually make your fantasies concrete and express them through creative outlets: books, drawings, songs, choreographies... basically, it would be a waste to only keep them for you. also, venus in this house could make you interested in foreign things; you may be into foreign languages, music, movies, fashion... even romantic interests. you could prefer dating foreigners rather that people of your nationality / culture for example, or maybe you just find yourself attracting foreigners to you. actually, you may end up marrying someone from abroad!

your 10th house is in aries, with also a big stellium involving mercury as your most elevated planet, saturn, mars and the sun. with your 10th house cusp in the energetic sign of aries, you need a career that allows you to be independent, you probably prefer working alone than in groups. or perhaps, you actually aspire to become a boss, a ceo, someone people look up to, and if you work hard you may actually become an influential person in your work place / field. in fact, with saturn placed here, at first you may struggle to find the job that is right for you. you may be indecisive about it, or perhaps you could come across some hardships regarding bosses or even payments. yet, this will naturally get better with time, as you grow up and make new experiences. your mars here points out that you'll be able to earn lots of fortune thanks to your career, and hence you'd probably make a perfect leader, or even teacher for example. luckily, your future career will most likely allow you to be the leader you want to be! in fact, this 10th house mars combined with your whole gives you amazing leadership skills. you're very responsible, you don't need others to guide you, and if you work hard you can achieve pretty much anything you want. you probably don't see work as a burden, it's pretty much the opposite. working is literally your energy tank. with also the sun placed here, your career is basically the focus of your life. you aspire to be successful, as you're quite materialistic. you like spoiling yourself and even your loved ones, you're probably fond of shopping of any kind, and you want to be wealthy thanks to yourself only. last but not least, mercury is also placed in this house and it's your most elevated planet. that means that your life, and hence your career too, will revolve around words, thoughts and communicative outlets, it's a natural talent of yours. you could become a singer, a writer, an actress, a translator, a journalist, etc.

your 11th house is in taurus. you could possibly attract people with taurus traits, and hence your friends could be quite stubborn and possessive, but also very loyal and responsible. they could possibly be wealthy, and they could have some artistic, creative interest and / or talent just like you. you may have some trust issues, you’re careful about who you trust, an hence you’re quite cautious about who you befriend. your long-term goals include financial stability, you may be quite materialistic as you enjoy wealth. yet, I assume that thanks to your water placements you’re not as work-focused as other earth placements, you actually also value emotions and feelings too. the ruler of the 11th house is in the 9th house: you may get along better with foreigners, in fact most of your friends may come from abroad, or at least they have a different culture from yours. it could also be that you met your closest, dearest friends in a more mature age or in college / university.

your 12th house is in cancer. you’re an extremely spiritual and intuitive person. you may be attracted to dreams, religion, astrology, spirituality… anything that can wake you up, spiritually speaking. you may also be particularly talented at reading birth charts, tarots, even talking to spirits. you may have prophetic dreams, or you could even have deja-vus. the 12th house is also the house of fears, so having cancer here indicates that you may be afraid of your childhood, emotions, past memories. perhaps, even of your home environment or directly of your parents. it’s a part of your life that you’d rather keep secret. you may also have some escapism tendencies, such as oversleeping, overeating… or perhaps, you could easily develop addictions, so be careful to that, as you’re particularly sensitive to drugs, alcohol etc.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract aquarius, sagittarius, pisces, scorpio and virgo. your future spouse will most likely have scorpio and virgo traits or placements, maybe also some pisces too. they’ll be very similiar to you: secretive and hard-working, but also with a warm, loyal heart and a hidden insecurity to them. you may meet them at work, or in any place where you go to have fun. it may be a party, a bar... literally any place you attend where you can meet other people. possibly, even abroad or in vacation. your children will most likely have strong scorpio, sagittarius or pisces traits: they’ll be very daring and brave, but also very funny and warm. also, they’ll be extremely intelligent and more mature as time goes by. they'll also have a tender side to them, but that is often overshadowed by their playfulness. they could also get easily very possessive and jealous.

👶🏻 family life

your father is a very fiery, impulsive person, with a short-temper. he could have even been quite violent with you during your childhood, or at least he might have a few childish behaviours. deep down, he's actually kind of insecure with his role as a father, but he may hate to admit it. he may have aries, capricorn, libra, taurus, leo, gemini, virgo or scorpio placements in his chart. your mother, on the other hand, is slightly more submissive. she's mostly a peaceful and emotional person, even though she most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. she might've been a bit strict or overprotective. nonetheless, you could actually have a good relationship with her as well as with your father, maybe she understands your needs better. she may have libra, cancer or taurus placements in her chart. if you have siblings, they're probably very peaceful, affectionate and intelligent. they may also be very kind, as well as organized. their rooms probably look immaculate. they could have virgo or gemini placements in their charts.

📊 career

honestly, your chart points out that you'd do great at a bunch of things! from working alone or even in groups, you'll be able to be successful in any path you choose. in fact, there are many indicators in your chart that indicate that, if you work hard, you'll be able to achieve a great fortune thanks to your job. for me, the best career for you would be teaching. I can see you being an amazing teacher, as you have the knowledge, open-mindness and calm to lead people and let them understand different matters, without forcing your opinions. you could also work abroad, perhaps with different languages, or maybe with children, and hence you could be a primary school teacher or a foreign languages teacher. otherwise, you could also do well at jobs that involve words and communication. what matters the most is that you're able to achieve a great position, you want people to look up to you. that's the only way for you to feel satisfied and accomplished.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

you probably love clothes that can show and enhance your body. you may love wearing crop tops, skirts, bralettes, shorts... anything that leaves a part of your body uncovered, yet that still looks elegant and classy. you could also enjoy baggy clothes, paired with fancy accessories and heels. for colors, you go from wearing bold colours like red, burgundy and neon, to darker shades like black, dark blue etc. you probably also love neutral shades, like kaki, beige and so on.

👁 past life, life purpose

during your past life, you probably didn’t have as many challenges as in this life. you most likely used to depend on someone else; perhaps, you married someone rich, hence you didn’t really have to work for your resources. this lifetime, you need to step up your game and become independent. your path to luck and abundance may be long and steep, but your venus being conjunct the north node indicates that you may achieve great personal success in this lifetime. you just need to work on your self-esteem and have stable finances, you shouldn’t over-indulge. to boost your security, you could even try using the law of attraction for example.

🤔 major transits analysis / october 31st

this year your focus is mostly on your career, work environment. you may undergo different changes in your routine, probably unexpected situations at work. yet, you’ll get out stronger and with more knowledge with you, which will help you gain more maturity and awareness when it comes to jobs. also, your focus may also be on your health and / or fitness. you may possibly get rid of a disease or anything that made you feel unhealthy, like a bad diet for example, or any unhealthy habit of yours.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

the best way for you to manifest is idealizing and acting at the same time. you have both energies combined in your chart, which is great actually! I’d suggest you to first picture what you want in your life, and then do something concrete to manifest it. for example, let’s suppose you want this gucci bag; first, think about it deeply. then, you could try going into a gucci shop and just walk around, maybe even touch that bag. you’ll get results if you believe it! it’s also great to write and read/listen your own positive affirmations, such as 'I love my gucci bag’, 'the gucci bag my mom gave me is amazing’ and so on.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, I hope it resonated with you :)

#astrology

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smallblueandloud · 5 years

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thoughts on episode ii

subtitled let’s fix attack of the clones!!: anakin edition

i came out of this movie really not shipping anakin and padme. he is selfish, awkward, and distracting - and she should too busy to consider a romance.

the prequels are trying to tell two stories (anakin’s fall and the fall of the republic) and it barely tries to link them, instead just spending time on the boring, clunky one (anakin) at the expense of the more interesting one (the republic/the clones, represented in this movie by obi-wan), which seems like it’s missing vital conversations.

but this post is about anakin and anakin/padme. so let’s get started.

this movie, at least in terms of anakin’s development, suffers from middle-of-trilogy syndrome. nothing really happens. his mother dies (oh my GOD) and he angsts about it for a while, commits mass murder, and then jumps right back to pursuing his terrible “romance” with padme.

i mean, there are NO lasting effects of his mother’s death. he learns no coping techniques, feels no real emotions about it...

shmi was done dirty in general though. the idea of her marrying the guy that bought her is pretty icky. i’m becoming more and more fond of fialleril’s headcanon that shmi meets beru and adopts her as her daughter. cliegg is nothing but owen’s offscreen father.

i mean, that would’ve been SO MUCH BETTER, even if you keep the whole shmi-dying-solely-to-cause-her-idiot-son-pain. WHICH YOU SHOULD NOT. why spend all of episode i talking about freeing the slaves and then do absolutely nothing about it??

picture shmi, her adoptive daughter beru, and her adoptive daughter’s boyfriend owen (who really isn’t sure how he got involved in this but isn’t complaining) running an underground slave-freeing operation.

not sure how this would tie into the movie, plot-wise or anakin-development-wise, because yeah, you do need to start getting nervous around this kid. (I MEAN, IN MY PLAN FOR THE PHANTOM MENACE, YOU WOULD’VE STARTED THIS IN THE VERY BEGINNING BY USING A SLIGHTLY WORRYINGLY COMPETENT AND BRUTAL 14-YEAR-OLD, NOT THE PREPUBESCENT NONSENSE WE GOT. but regardless.)

i guess you’d need anakin and padme to be hanging at on naboo, in her lake house (god padme’s so freaking bougie), and padme asks how anakin’s mom is.

queue the obligatory “oh, haha, i don’t actually,,,, know??”

padme proposes that since they have no duties and she’s actually bored out of her mind, they should go visit shmi. anakin protests for about two seconds before realizing a) there’s no stopping her, and b) he’d actually kinda like to see his mom.

(padme has some ulterior motives besides wanting anakin to see his goddamn mom again. she wants to buy her freedom, since she’s actually prepared with real funds this time, and she wants to ask her advice on helping out with abolition, since she and sabe had failed miserably when they tried on their own. [this is canon, go read queen’s shadow if you haven’t already because it’s an excellent book.] we love women acknowledging other women’s expertise!! padme has grown a lot and wants to stop being so core world-y.)

so anyways, they go there, meet shmi (who’s already freed herself, thanks so much), and beru and owen. anakin, because he has had no emotional support network since he was nine goddamn years old, is jealous, but does his best to keep it under wraps.

at some point, while anakin and padme are helping out with the freedom trail, and someone (not sure who) gets a little violent with shmi.

anakin... goes ballistic, we’ll say. it gets violent. he gets harsh. it’s an overreaction, but shmi manages to calm him down.

(padme, on the other hand, is frightened. she takes a step back the next time anakin turns to her. but she manages to hold it down until later.)

the flighty escapee that beru is operating on goes into hysterics. shmi pulls anakin outside and tells him, quietly, that she’s so overjoyed to see him but that she thinks he needs to be getting on his way.

padme, meanwhile, gets pinged on her communication device. obi-wan has contacted them, just like he did in canon.

also, there’s some kind of beru&anakin moment, or maybe a beru&padme moment. just a conversation of some kind, for uber talented gifset-makers to gif and put alongside beru talking to luke so i can be destroyed emotionally.

this serves several purposes.

the movie feels more emotionally coherent. anakin doesn’t jump from awkward flirting to mass murder to making out with his girlfriend.

shmi gets some closure.

we’re introduced to beru, who clearly meets anakin and padme.

we get to see the little people making a difference, which is a huge theme in star wars. this can act as a foil to the hugely ineffective senate.

padme gets the opportunity for some character growth (she’s my wife and all but she’s so bougie).

we get to see anakin be dark, over something.... sorta understandable?? and it doesn’t quite make us think he should be locked up (unlike murder) (except the movie says it’s okay because they’re just sand people and i really don’t like the implications of that). also, we can see the inherent tragedy of someone who needs so much community support being “”chosen”” by the force to go into an order of emotionally private individuals (not that that isn’t a bad thing for someone like obi-wan, but it really isn’t good for anakin).

AND I HAVEN’T EVEN REALLY MENTIONED PADME. i have a wishlist for padme, and it boils down to: at least mention her relationship with sabe, show her being good at politics, let her have character development, don’t make her have to mother anakin, and oh by the way make her two-dimensional enough that her abandoning her ideals to get together with a jedi actually makes sense.

because like! i can believe she likes anakin! he’s an old friend, from a time that seems simpler in hindsight, and he’s in love with her and flirts awkwardly and makes jokes. i mean, the dialogue makes it impossible for anakin to seem remotely attractive, but we’ll leave it at the fact that padme desperately wants something simple and a relationship with anakin, paradoxically, looks like a winner.

but i want to see her like anakin. show, not tell, georgie boy!! all we see in the movie is her giggling at him and her rejecting him, and then her kissing him, and there’s really no falling in love.

because okay. they’re a fundamentally doomed relationship, total opposites who are both startlingly naive wrt their personal lives. so i accept that they’re not really in love - they’re just clinging to ideals of each other. well. at least padme is. she’s smart enough to recognize what she’s doing, but she pushes it down because she is forced to hold too much on her shoulders (BECAUSE THE SENATE DOESN’T WORK) and she needs something that is just for her.

look, i really need sabe in these movies, okay. this is unrelated to my humongous crush on keira knightley. i need padme to have a friend, someone she can express this to, who can look at her doubtfully when she says she’s in love with anakin, because we really need to drive in the idea of this being a tragedy and we can’t see it unless we see how goddamn foolish even padme “good choices” amidala is being.

also like. padme needs friends. and i firmly believe that the “mother” that leia remembers was sabe, who is actively involved in the rebellion during the OT. because like. i have emotions, and most of them come back to luke&leia.

i’m not sure i’d have them get married, but that’s just a matter of taste. and you have to admit the set of final shots - the victory with the clones, baby boba pressing his forehead to his dad’s helmet, the marriage - with the overlaid music is really something. i mean, there you have the myth stuff that george wanted. i vibe with it.

anyways. thank you for coming to my ted talk, part the second.

#star wars #episode ii #attack of the clones #anakin skywalker #sw critical #sb and l rambles #sb and l watches sw #idiot goth boy anakin skywalker #i'll probably think of more things to say later but ah well #me: gets a hint of free time #me immediately: writes 1.3k of how to fix aotc

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nochanchu · 6 years

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back to you

pairing: lee donghyuck x reader genre: spiderman + post-break up au | drama, romance, fluff, themes of comfort and aching for it; includes anxiety wc: 3,920 description: He knows he shouldn’t lean on you for fear of what may come, but he’s young, dumb, and impulsive, if there’s anyone he’d come running back to—it’s you. author’s note: a long overdue story I’ve had in my drafts since may... but still one I enjoy nonetheless!

It hits Donghyuck just how much he depends on you a moment too late.

A moment far, far too late—several months actually.

Despite this, he knows that out of everyone in his pool of friends, the one person that he can lean on when the going gets tough and he can’t seem to breathe, that he can call in the ungodly hours of the night when he just needs to talk and silence is too unbearable, it’s you.

If he can recall far back enough, you’ve always been his solace, his guiding light in the darkness that follows any hero. He calls you, airs out all the baggage and anxieties until suddenly he has to pause to catch his breath, and all at once, fresh air fills his lungs and nothing else matters. He basks in the soothing dulcet tones of your voice, clinging to every word even if they’re mumbled and coated with fatigue. That’s how it’s always been.

Even now, when the last thing he should be doing is forgoing what Doyoung said.

He knows he’s being selfish by moving away from the Kim Enterprises building in favor of another path. But between the pain eating away at his ribs and the aches across his body, his brain acts on its own accord.

When he blinks, what he last remembers as the New York skylines becomes the brick-stacked walls he knows too well. He rolls up his mask just to make sure he isn’t seeing things, and it’s just as he left it all those three months ago. He’s not sure what he expected to be different when this area of your home has never once looked different during his occasional passing trips, but his uncovered eyes drink in the vicinity for something different for no particular reason.

The bag of soil you had him carry up is still at the corner near the entrance to your dining room, half-touched and only somewhat smaller than before. There’s still an empty beige planter beside it, too. The plants that litter the corners aren’t as lush and viridescent as before, but they’re alive. Trying to be, at least.

Kind of like me. He would say this aloud, but he feels his throat close up.

If he makes a sound now, then this is really happening. He can’t even accept that he’s standing right here, right now. As Doyoung has said time and time again, this is dangerous, and really, really bad things could happen. Unspeakable things that holds reasons his mind didn’t register until reality sunk in and reminded him that his situation was not as simple as it once was. So, Donghyuck had to make that promise to the two of you that he wouldn’t just come to you like this, in fact he made well to add that he wouldn’t be coming to you at all anymore.

The very thought of how big of a risk he’s running frightens the ever living fuck out of him, but he’s scared for other reasons too. The biggest of them is the one he feels deep within the marrow of his bones, where a wound cuts so deep into his abdomen unlike the previous ones he has gotten in battle; the sort of pain that wraps around him and elicits thoughts he hasn’t considered for his own sanity. The kind of thoughts that an newly turned eighteen-year-old shouldn’t be having in what is considered the prime of his life. But they won’t stop. The pain doesn’t stop. And all he wants to do is be selfish just this once if it means seeing you right now.

Perhaps if he wasn’t so damn selfish, he wouldn’t be standing at your balcony right now, and he certainly wouldn’t let his own body act on its own accord and fumble with one of the planters for the bronze key you’ve kept stashed there if ever he needed you or your place for whatever reason. He wants to do this despite how much he hates to admit that the distance has done nothing to sate these feelings at all. A part of him wonders if time has changed things on your end as he sifts through the dirt. He realizes he has to hope it’s still there even though he wouldn’t blame you for moving it either.

To his relief (and somewhat surprise), it’s there. He can feel the edges dig into the uncovered parts of his palm, now certain more than ever that this is no dream. Otherwise, he would have woken up by now out of shock to be this close, and from the cold that seeps into the ripped seams of his suit.

Donghyuck hesitates to use the key now that it sits in his hand. He knows he shouldn’t be here. How many times has he been told to stop going to you? How many times has he told himself that he can’t just come back to you whenever he pleases? Given, this is the first time since he put an end to things with you, he feels an unbelievable amount of regret coursing through him. He can’t tell if it’s the waning adrenaline from the earlier battlefield or if it’s the heartache that’s been clenching his heart, but being here is bittersweet and comforting all the same.

Knowing you’re so close, yet so goddamn far makes him wish to close the distance and finally get it through his own thick skull that there isn’t anyone else that he would rather be with than you. If he’s dying like he feels like he is in the “I’m really about to bleed out and collapse on the ground I’m standing on,” then you’re the last thing he wants to see before everything goes black and that light at the end of the tunnel greets him like everyone says it does.

Of course, he’s probably overreacting. Doyoung probably would have dragged him by the ear otherwise. However, all logic aside, his limbs won’t let him move anywhere but forward, while his brain is screaming at him to hightail it out of there. It’s as though his heart has taken over all motor functions. The way it moves his hand to press the key into the slot, he can’t seem to stop until there is a click! and he can slide the door open, hesitantly.

He takes about one step before he stumbles over the long-forgotten step, trapping a curse in his throat when he realizes he has knocked over the planter in his haste to stop from falling. His limbs have grown even heavier since feeling the warmth and familiarity of this place even from this area. Your scent manages to envelop him like a tight embrace and reminds him that he is supposed to be a stranger here, that he shouldn’t be here. But he knows this already. He hears it in his own voice and Doyoung’s, and when he tries to hear it in your voice, it’s impossible.

While his body is saying everything he wishes he could—as if trying to convey how he wants to see you just this once by making it ridiculously difficult to walk away, as if to tell him that if he can do that, then he can find some strength to get through the rest of tonight—his anxieties work to fight him against these whims. As quiet as the doubts were before, they have gotten louder and louder since the first sign of his turmoil.

Donghyuck takes a little less than a minute to decide that he better leave right now. He doesn’t know how long it will take until you wake up from the ruckus he has caused, but if he lingers he will face you for sure. And if he faces you, he isn’t sure what he’ll do. His mind could conjure up a plethora of scenarios, each one meant to mentally prepare him for an inevitable reunion that he’s been pushing for since he let you go, and the more he considers these things, the more certain he is about leaving back to his apartment where he can self-loathe and patch himself up, probably receive an earful from Doyoung for turning off his comms until—

“Hyuck?” The hallway light blinds him for only a moment, giving him enough time to register the confusion, vulnerability, and surprise riddling your hoarse voice. You squint at him, as if trying to decide if he’s really here or if you’re some figment of your imagination brought out by some odd dream. He takes you in all your glory in without missing the familiar dishevelled bed head you’re sporting and the way you don’t oppose his presence right now.

Donghyuck can’t even express his true feelings when a strong surge of pain overthrows all initial responses, and whatever words stuck to his throat get washed out by the sharp exhale of pain passing through his lips. You propel yourself forward and catch him before he collapses straight onto the floor, disregarding the slick, scarlet trail he leaves behind on your oversized t-shirt.

You frown more so at the wound than at him before setting him onto the floorboards as carefully as possible and locking the doors before leaving for the first-aid kit you keep on hand for situations like this. It’s a quick departure—by the time he blinks, you’re back with the red and white box, now flicking on the tableside lamp in your quaint living room.

He has to squint at first to adjust to the incandescence and the closeness of your proximity that constricts his throat from further conversation, because if he says anything now, he isn’t sure he can hold himself accountable for what comes out.

But Donghyuck whimpers as soon as the antiseptic wipes touches his wound. He doesn’t realize he’s gripping the end of your t-shirt, but he is and he hears your voice get smaller like the way you would on those late night phones calls or back when he was too scared to look at his grades after a test—those were simpler times.

“You’re safe. You’re okay.”

Those words were his lullaby. A mantra to get him through the roughest patches in this heroic business. He could see your face with the corners of your lips curled slightly and your half-closed eyelids fluttering between waking and dreaming everything single time. And somehow everything was okay, again.

But he’s not okay. He hasn’t been okay for a while now.

He was when you were together, at least. But any relationship is symbiotic. There’s a give and take, a push and pull. And like you with him, he wants to keep you safe, okay. He wants you without worries when it regards him. To know that you have spent nights on end just wondering if he’s going to make it back from an impromptu mission makes his heart clench, because there are things that you are more than willing to do for him, and it isn’t just picking up his call at four in the goddamn morning.

There was once a moment in your time together that you told him that you would go to hell and back for him. And he believes it. He knows you would. And that absolutely frightens him, because as ethereal as you are through his eyes, you don’t have the same lifespan as an angel. Neither does he, but he certainly stands a better chance against any demented, powered guy than you. And such an impermanence always made him second guess what he was doing by being with you. It was indisputably selfish to think that he could hang out to the only normal part of his life and expect no repercussions out of it. With a risk that high and a reputation growing as big as his, he had to stop before something happened.

He cut those ties and nipped them, and he hoped for better out of it.

You’re okay you’re okay you’re okay, he hears. I promise.

Donghyuck doesn’t open his eyes. He fears that if he opens his eyes, then this won’t be real; that he’ll wake up on the battlefield or in Doyoung’s medical room. But he fears that if he’s dead, then he’ll have never even seen you at least once before his demise, and that, for all reasons, frightens him as much as not being able to protect his aunt.

“Don’t go.”

I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.

“I’m sorry.”

It’s okay, just open your eyes for me. Okay? Just open them, please.

He doesn’t know what he’ll see if he opens them, if this’ll be real, or if what’s out there will be the end of him. And, he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be ready. He just knows that it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before.

“Okay.”

He opens his eyes.

Your eyes meet his, and his breath catches in his throat—“This is real.”

You look like you’re torn between laughing and crying, and his heart leaps too far and wide for him to gauge. You’re still just as he remembers with your hair falling out of its makeshift ponytail, with strands all over the place, oversized t-shirt now stained in his blood, and a smile that could only be done justice by seeing it in real life.

“Of course, this is real,” you respond, unable to fight back the urge to hug him. He realized then that you hadn’t moved him from the floor, though he couldn’t blame you considering how hard it would’ve been to remove blood stains from the couch. It hurt a lot more to hug you back, but he did it and didn’t regret it either. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, even if you tell me to go.”

You kept your hold on him, even as he let go, thinking that was his cue to do so.

“I’m sorry,” he says once more, this time with complete coherence. “I—I—I don’t even know where the hell to begin besides there, but I fucked up. I fucked up so bad, and I don’t know if you want to talk to me or if this is another part of some messed up dream, but even if it is, then I’m sorry for—you know—coming back to you like this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t even keep my word. I’m sorry for being a selfish jerk, okay? I miss you so much. So goddamn much. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I just came here on my own accord. I really wanted to see you, just in case—”

“Just in case of what, Donghyuck?” He winces as you let go of him, and lock eyes with him. “Just in case you… die? You don’t come back? Just in case of what, exactly?”

He hates how panicked you sound, how pained you sound to say these things, and how he isn’t sure how he can alleviate any of it now that you two are in the position that you’re in. If this were any normal circumstance, the kind that didn’t involve talking about his death as plausible albeit all too soon occurrence, he wouldn’t hesitate to draw you into his arms and let you know that everything would be okay, that whatever was concerning you both was just a passing(, non-life threatening) phase that would come and go before either of you could blink. But things, as they currently were, have been different for too long to go back to old times like that. To reminisce in such a way feels like lifetimes ago, and yet he feels an obligation and desire to let you know that he’s here for you too.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, sighing. “I—I—yeah, alright? Just in case I die. I was scared, okay? So scared. Just a few hours ago, I was out there fighting for the sake of everyone else’s, and something went wrong or maybe—I dunno—almost went to plan for the bad guys, but I thought that was going to be my last battle. I thought if there was one thing I’d want to do, then it’d be to see you. And, I’m sorry that it took me being in this position to do that, but I want to keep you safe. I can’t just keep depending on you and risk your life like some selfish asshole. I’m sorry.”

“You’re an idiot. I hope you understand that, because you and I both know I don’t give a shit about what happens unless I know you’re okay. I only know you’re okay when I see you passing by every now and then. Or if I see you at school. Or I dunno, I hear from Auntie Soon about you. But, Hyuck, what I don’t get is why can’t you see that no matter how hard you try to push me away, that’s not going to keep me away. I mean I’ll respect any boundaries you set considering our break up, but that won’t ever stop me from caring about you, ever. I mean it. I want what’s best for you, and I think one thing I wish the most would be for you to stop being so stupid, and just accept that I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Even if Mr. Kim set up some top-security detail to keep me from you, I’d manage a way to find out how you are.”

You both cracked a smile at that—of course, you would find a way. Of course, you wouldn’t relent, even if the odds were against you both. And, of course, he loved you for it. For all of that and more.

“That’s not fair…” His heart hasn’t stopped, not even a little bit. Only you could do that.

“It’s not fair that you keep saying that this is for the best when we both know who’s really taking care of your ass when a mission goes awry. I mean sorry Mr. Kim but I’m the best medic you got. I’m your own nurse and therapist, so I have him and his multi-billion dollar doctors beat by a long shot.”

“I know, that’s why I came here.” He adds, chuckling, “among other reasons.”

“Yeah, yeah, I missed you too.” You smile as he does, just hearing it is enough for him. Being here with you is actually more than enough for him—he tells you so, too. “Well, come back then. Stay then. Just stop pushing me away, alright? I want to hear from you, whether you’re hurt or sad or happy or whatever. All of that, Hyuck. Because I love you. I miss you. And, no matter what, we both know you’ll always come back to me.”

“I know. This was me trying not to do this anymore, and yet, here I am. Back as always.”

You take hold of his hand, knowing how badly he wants to hold you, yet being fully aware of how scared he is to initiate that.

“Tell Mr. Kim that you can’t push away someone you love, thinking it’s for the best—it isn’t. For either parties.” You pause for a moment, glancing at your window. “Who knows though? Maybe he knows you’re here.”

“Well, if he does, then he does, and I’ll deal with him if he doesn’t approve. I just had a near death experience, and I need this,” he says, raising your joined hands together a few centimeters off the ground. “I don’t ever want to leave, honestly.”

“You’ll have to. So will I. We have school.” You laugh as he groans. “Sorry. But I mean, we still have a full day to ourselves tomorrow. If you’re okay with sticking around. My parents are out, somewhere in Europe more than likely, and I know Auntie Soon will be happy to hear that we’re talking again.”

“True, she’s been ready to fight on your behalf ever since I’ve started deflecting all conversations about you.”

“That must be tough. I imagine she brings me up every second she gets, probably telling you that letting me go was the worst mistake of your life and other things along those lines. Would probably also leave behind hints about how to woo me back and get Auntie Taeyeon to nag you about breaking up with me.”

Donghyuck nods as fervently as he can in his state and enjoys the way you laugh so happily. “It’s almost as painful as this wound at how accurate you are. Were you telling her how I could potentially woo you back or something?”

“No! Not directly, at least. I said everything jokingly, so I didn’t expect her to actually tell you to do any of them.”

He thinks back to the suggestions; you would hint to his aunt about what he could do, though Auntie Soon probably did fabricate them, he doesn’t mind so much. He knows you both mean well, even Auntie Taeyeon, as intense as she can be.

You lie beside him, having already cleaned the floor sometime during that period he was passing out, propping yourself up by your elbow as you do so.

“You don’t need to do any of them, by the way,” you mention, “I know that look, and I mean it, you don’t. I’m content with this. As long as you’re being yourself. Not some robot you think you need to be to protect me from whatever metaphorical and literal bad guy is out there.” He opens his mouth to protest but you quiet him with a squeeze of you hand. “Let me protect you this one time, Hyuck. I can’t be out there fighting alongside you, as much as I wish I could, but I can protect you here. This is my domain, alright? And, if you’re okay right now, then that’s all that matters.”

“Okay, yeah, you’re right.” He cranes his head to look at you, not wanting to miss a moment.

“You must’ve been scared before, huh?”

“Yeah, I was scared shitless, honestly. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what would happen. I mean I know the consequences of defending the city, but this was a different reality—if that makes any sense?—” he continues once you nod, “I think I’m absolutely scared of death. I don’t know what it is or what to do about it, but no amount of powers in the world could ever make me feel as powerless as I did earlier. Like, if anything really had gone wrong, it would’ve been game over, and I’d be alone.

“Yeah, I have Mr. Kim and all but Auntie Soon and you and the guys? Imagining just being gone from you guys hurts my chest to think about, and even just thinking about it hurts my head more than any concussion I’ve ever had these past few months. But I’m okay right now. I’m here with you. I don’t need to think about that what-if, if I can help it.”

“Not while I’m around,” you tell him, pressing your lips to his cheek. “I’m here, and I’ll say that again and again until that sticks in your head.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just keep coming back, again and again.”

His eyes soon grow heavy, even as you find more things to talk to him about, and despite how hard he fights to stay awake, you let him sleep.

You’re safe, you’re okay, you tell him again, and for once during these past few yet long months, he believes it.

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omuse · 5 years

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𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐮𝐩𝐨𝐧 𝐚 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 … kihwan choi was known as the analytical & capable police officer with a reputation for being a ji changwook doppelganger . but now , under the stress of the war on the horizon , the natural born unaffiliated noble vampire has become widely known for being rather reserved & doubtful . let’s see how long the wonderland native will last during this war . after all they’re only thirty years old . + he / him & cis male , original character.

it’s kay again, with her eleventh muse 😱 as usual, i’m 20, go by she / her pronouns and reside in the gmt + 3 timezone ! i’m bringing an older muse i missed so much, one with a tragic past, who is a police officer and very, very protective over his family. husband of the perfect ahreum & father of the lovely ambrose, he loves his family so so much ! as always, please don’t hesitate to hit me up to plot, and if you give this a like, i’ll im you instead. under the cut you will find his bio, a very concise summary as well as some plot ideas, general tws for violence and death below —

BIOGRAPHY

001.

they don’t have a glorious romance story, nor a star-crossed lovers storyline. byungchul and jaeun meet through friends, and decide they get along well. it doesn’t happen in the way that a love arrow pierces through their hearts, blood hot in their veins — it’s simple, two people getting along, a detective and a teacher, one of high rank and one favourite of small children, they find company in each other, and don’t need much else.

the decision to make a family for themselves begin quickly after their relationship, both of considerable age, they don’t want to wait any longer, their elderly pressing in on all sides, wanting a grandchild before they see their last days. and so, the choi family has kihwan a year after the couple’s marriage, both elated to have a little son to raise.

as he grows up, things begin to get more complicated, byungchul has one too many assignments working in the force, the more power means more responsibilities, a bigger toll on his shoulders. times are long and hard, and as a captain of a precinct, he needs to be sharp, on his toes. let alone the bitter taste of bureaucracy in his tongue, he has to keep the community safe, and that is too much to bear in itself.

he works hard, and she works hard at the kindergarten too; at first it isn’t too much of a problem after maternity leave, and a couple of years later, jaeun can simply take him to work with her. it’s as he grows old, their presence in his life starts to fade, his father working overtime too often while his mother needs all of her attention on work, preparing tasks and making sure to help children as much as she can. their age doesn’t help much either, and kihwan’s simply there, eager for a glance or a pat on the back.

in a city as gorgeous as his, it isn’t a bad childhood by any means, but as a child, he still yearns for family breakfasts, pulling his parents from their arms so they can all visit the fair, go to a park, anything. usually met with a shake of a head and a murmur of “not now, we’re busy.” there’s little kihwan can do, and it begins with making small troubles at school, wherever he is, just to get that bit of extra attention, so that his parents will get called into school. he doesn’t like the reprimands one bit, but he can’t find himself stopping either, walking on the edge of childhood misbehavior and actual trouble. it’s a thin line, but he manages to walk on it, and he learns once he’s known as the troublemaker, small success stories get a lot more recognition than they used to.

002.

it’s when he’s in seventh grade the couple begin to have little fights, both tense for reasons kihwan has no idea about, things that have nothing to do with his falling grades. he tries asking them, eavesdropping on their conversations; the hushed whispers they exchange, his father hunched over a table with his face in his hands. they seem… worried, and the fights aren’t even because of each other, but something else kihwan can’t put his finger on. it angers him, the little time they used to have all together seems to be tainted for no reason, both of the adults far off in their minds.

it’s a night like any other when kihwan throws another of his fits, leaving school and not heading home, immature anger of a toddler in his veins as he walks through the streets aimlessly, wanting to do anything but go home. he wanders, kicking rocks and walking to the beach, sand soft under his shoes as he walks, so much that after a point they are filled with it. the panic comes afterwards, when the soft rays of sun begin to leave the earth, painting the sky a hue of orange. he frowns, having spent enough time with himself to realize he may have been overreacting — maybe he just lost hours from his time with his family, even though it wouldn’t be as joyful as he would have liked. it takes a few more hours, kihwan so utterly lost before he finds his way to a familiar street and to home, shame burning his cheeks red. he knocks on the door, expecting reprimands and punishment. it’s not what greets, it’s his mom instead, tear tracks on her face as she pulls him into an embrace, cradling him as if he was a baby again.

“i was scared, so scared —” it’s a night he doesn’t forget, his dad rushing home half an hour after to embrace him too. it’s the attention he has wanted for so long, but it doesn’t make sense, not until he learns about his father’s case, the thing that has been upsetting his parents for so long. at that moment, kihwan is clueless, and basks in his parents’ attention, crying and apologizing himself, little clue as to what’s going on.

003.

thinking back now, he feels guiltier than ever, almost four months after his little runaway adventure, he goes back home again, and an empty flat greets him. hours pass with him alone, in front of the phone waiting for mom or dad —- but neither comes. it’s late in the night when his aunt unlocks the door with teary eyes, kihwan looking up to her for an explanation, anything. she’s tongue tied, but in the end, he learns his mother has passed away.

they say that their neighborhood was a spot for vampires to hunt, and jaeun stepped up to save one of her pupils and got mortally wounded. kihwan cries and throws more fits, unable to accept the truth, not wanting to accept the truth. his father is a mess too, the dark circles under his eyes look purple, his face set but ready to crumble at the same time. it’s guilt that weighs the man down, and no matter what kihwan does, he can’t get anything out of him, nothing but a pat on the back alongside an apology. an apology kihwan doesn’t understand.

004.

life turns bleaker after that, his father takes even more jobs than possible, and kihwan is under his aunt’s care until he’s in high school, old enough to take care of himself at home. his attention seeking acts diminish to nothing, the troublemaker child quiets down, closes up just like his father did, an invisible wall between them as if they are not the person they used to be anymore. the place they called home feels anything but, and for their own reasons, both of them feel guilty, and they can’t shake it off no matter what they try.

it’s during this time that he looks for ways to distance himself, find his own self in a world that seems to be against him. he picks up hobbies and drops them, friends coming and leaving, no one staying for long. it’s during a private piano lesson that he meets ahreum, and she turns his life around. he falls in love with her, wants to spend every moment of his life with the woman. there is enlistment on the horizon, but she agrees to wait for him, and as soon as the time comes, he goes to to fulfil his enlistment duties, not wanting to be anywhere near the house again. his father seems content with kihwan’s decision — if the smallest of reactions is a clue enough — and he doesn’t need much else before packing and leaving, intending to leave a lot of the past behind. there is only ahreum for him in his future, and he looks forward to finishing his mandatory training.

if anything else, the military service hardens him even more, an inexperienced sullen boy turning into a man with sharp edges. he likes the structure of the military, but the rigorous training takes its toll, making him want to work harder so that he’ll take less shit if he trips during one of the drills. he works out and makes connections, here and there, walking around town during their free time, not even thinking about going back to actual home.

when the enlistment is over, ahreum and kihwan make their relationship official. however, a few obstacles are thrown their way. the major obstacle is kihwan learning that ahreum is not a regular human, but a vampire instead, the very same species he used to despise. it’s hard to get used to that fact, but love triumphs over. kihwan is unable to accept that ahreum can be the mean spirited creature he used to believe all vampire were. he accepts her, and she accepts him.

005.

they start a life together, perfect little house, ambrose as their child. it isn’t conventional by any means, how ambrose is much older than kihwan, but it doesn’t matter, he loves his family so much, he would do anything to make sure they were happy, safe. and that’s what brings the first downfall- a blood-thirsty and panicked ambrose comes to him for help, and kihwan knows he won’t be able to deny him this. he lets him feed off of him- the bloodthirst winning over rationality, and if it weren’t for the right interruption at the right time, he knows he would have died.

ambrose’s sent away to wonderland- as a punishment or as a lesson kihwan, a bit of both. kihwan doesn’t know which will happen, but all he knows is that it breaks his heart to be away from his son, and he knows ahreum feels the same way to. a while later, they can’t keep away from him anymore, and decide to move to wonderland as well, to make their family whole again. kihwan continues to work as a police officer, ready to keep his family safe and happy.

SUMMARY

— his mom a teacher, his father was a police officer. a troublemaker, he acted out as a kid to get their attention, which didn’t work so well. one night he ran away, worried the hell out of his parents, more so than usual.

— it turned out a serial killer is on the loose, but kihwan learned it much later, when his mother was murdered by a vampire trying to protect one of her pupils. his father grew distant, which made him feel even lonelier after such loss.

— he distanced himself too, trained to become a police officer, wanting to protect other families. meanwhile, he fell in love with ahreum, it was a while later he learned she was a vampire, and she brought down all his misconceptions, turned him from the bitter man he was to someone much happier.

— he sees ambrose as a son, and is very protective over him. after an instance when rosie went overboard, he was sent away, but now, the parents are back to see him, and to stay for good. they missed him a lot. kihwan is ready to protecc w all he has !!

PLOT IDEAS

childhood friends / acquaintances

that one Vampire who killed his mom

people he worked with during military

enemies / friends / dislikes ?

people he arrests on the regular

someone he wants to catch bc they committed a crime but they keep slipping

any and all !

and that’s ki ! i hope this makes sense, and as always, i would love to do plots & connections for him, so don’t hesitate to hit me up or give this a like and i will come your way <3

#「 m╰ kihwan. 」#intro #tales.intro #here he is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!#「 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙨 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝖼𝗈𝗅𝖽╰ musings. 」

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anarcho-decepticonism · 4 years

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we fixed hsm

here are our 3 page fanfic plans

Troy & gabriella break up after like a month in college. Gabriella is around people smarter than her for the first time in her life & she’s really struggling & he doesn’t understand what she’s going thru & she realizes that he’s not that empathetic & bad at communicating. She’s single for like a year just adjusting to college & making new friends & figuring out who she is after hs & also not putting her entire identity in her intelligence. She tries out for theater & they’re like “you’re not that good at singing” & she’s like “never mind” bc she liked it because it was with her friends in the first place. She finds community elsewhere & eventually is in a more fulfilling & communicative & mature relationship

Troy is having a lot of trouble bc being a student athlete isn’t enough at FUCKING BERKELEY!!! And he’s having trouble at school. He also isn’t getting lead roles in the theater program bc it’s like. A hobby as opposed to his major/career path. He has to learn to like things without being the best at them & also communicate w people better. He’s no longer super special and the focal point of everything. He immediately tries to rebound by getting a new gf & she realizes right away that he just wants her to love him and pay attention to him and solve his problems and is like “fuck that dude go to therapy”. He goes to the school therapist which sucks but he finds a good therapist & like. Improves as a person lol. He has to think more abt the experiences of others and not need to have everyone love him all the time. He gets a dog -- good for him bc he has to be responsible for the life of something else but also dogs are very affectionate

Sharpay goes to UA & at first loves it bc she’s the star but then is super underwhelmed & depressed. She talks to Ryan and he’s like “you know you can just transfer” and she’s like “wow i’m so smart i’ll just transfer”. After like a semester she transfers to a different school with a good theater program (not Juliard tho). She has a good mentor figure who’s a prof who’s like “your ambition and drive are good things actually especially bc ur a woman and will be told that ur awful & bossy for standing up for yourself.” she makes her first real friend other than her brother (i am So sad) in a theater class-- not someone who worships her but like an actual human connection. Specifically a girl who she respects & doesn’t feel she has to compete with. She has a learning moment when her friend gets the lead role and Sharpay is genuinely proud of her and she realizes she wouldn’t have been suited to that part and that she doesn’t have to be the center of attention all the time. She learns to derive self worth from her love of theater instead of from everyone validating her. Also her friend is goth & tells her that all the pink she wears is bad. They both initially loved the theater bc they wanted to be accepted but learn together that they can just find worth in each other and themselves and their work. Also at one point Sharpay starts dating someone and gets really annoying and her friend is like “you’re being annoying” and they get in a fight and Sharpay is like “i don’t even like him that much but i feel like i have to be in a huge romance relationship (bc of troy and gabriella but also Society)” and this eventually leads to her realizing that she’s a lesbian and also that she has an unhealthy view of relatioships. She goes to therapy (it takes her a really long time to go but once she realizes she gets to talk abt herself she is more willing). Important that she does not date her friend (her emotional support system) but she does eventually get a gf. It takes her a long time to figure out how to be a good girlfriend and that her professional ambitions are different than her personal ambitions (she’s used to treating her relationships like a business instead of a two-sided thing where there needs to be emotional connection and both people being like vulnerable w each other)

Her and Ryan having space from each other where he can shine by himself and she feels like she doesn’t have to upstage him all the time. He feels for a long time that he can’t rely on her bc she’s a mess but eventually he texts her like 16 times in a row abt a person in his program he’s really annoyed at and she’s like “oh my god he’s ruining your show you Have to talk to the director!!!!” and it’s really helpful to just talk it out w her even if he doesn’t take her advice. It’s helpful for him to realize that it is a problem and he’s not overreacting but also that he should not take things to the extremes that Sharpay does lol. He should not poison this person. They eventually fall into a good & more balanced sibling relationship where they can rely on each other for a certain subset of things but they aren’t the only people in each others’ lives

Ryan meets other gay guys at Juliard who tell him that his hats are bad and show him how to dress not like an idiot. They’re like “it’s ok buddy. I know you were the only out guy at your high school but you don’t need to do that”. He’ll like. Do fine in college! He’s like fairly confident in his abilities and identity & good at like. Balancing career & personal life. He’s fine enough at school and doing well in his theater things. He’s charismatic and makes more good friends. He “formally comes out” to his parents in like a big thing. He choreographs it and makes Kelsey write him a song to sing. His parents are like “well we knew that but did you have to make it this much of a thing” and he’s like “yes”. His mom is generally more accepting than his dad and his dad is like “please don’t talk about this to the people at the country club” and he’s like “i… wasn’t? I don’t know these people. They’re your friends”

After college Ryan gets famous before Sharpay does and generally has a good thing going wrt doing choreography for “really important things” (he isn’t public facing)-- he’s good at choreo and also good at working with divas (thanks Sharpay i love u). He gets Sharpay a good role in a thing but he makes a big deal like “I got you an audition i didn’t get u the part u did it all yourself :)” but he totally got her the part lol in that he recommended her. She does a rlly good job tho (obvs) and does well in the spotlight bc she;s actually like. Hardworking and driven and good at musical theater. Her Big Break is in like a movie adaptation of a musical. She’s Glinda when they finally make a Wicked movie. The choreography is really good bc Ryan does it

Taylor tries to become a politician but slowly realizes that her passion for being an activist doesn’t super align with that and figures out that she wants to enact social change without like. Being a part of the system. She has a youtube channel where she talks about social issues and wears her stupid sweater vests & ties. Also she dates someone who likes women. Before she was invested in the public-facing aspect of the relationship and she learns what it means to actually have private moments of caring & how to not follow a stereotypical relationship and instead to do like. What she actually wants to. She’s bi and she dates a woman and enjoys not having societal expectations wrt how relationships are supposed to go. She dates a guy and realizes that a m/f relationship also doesn’t have to conform to societal expectations. Both are super important experiences for her even if neither are “endgame” (i love u matty)

Chad is heartbroken after Troy goes to a different school but tries to hide it/is in denial. He kind of lashes out at people who want to make friends with him and goes into a depression spiral. He eventually snaps out of it when Sharpay (who is still going to UA at this point) is like “what’s your problem?? Anyway i started going to therapy and it helped actually. Toodles!” and he’s like “what the fuck just happened” but he makes an appointment. The first session he’s like “hwatever this is stupid idk why i’m here. Whatever” and the therapist is like “yeah. Okay.” but he eventually opens up and then like. Learns to see himself as not part of a friendship or group/team and see himself as an individual. He gets over Troy, which takes him a while but he does it & we’re proud of him <3 it also takes a while to make friends who he can be emotionally vulnerable around bc he’s never really had that type of relationship before (bc he and troy are very guys being dudes & he like. Wasn’t super close w Taylor as they were p much just a relationship for show). He makes friends w both some guys and girls who aren’t all on the basketball team and has friends from lots of different places. This process takes him like. All of college.

Chad doesn’t date anyone in college and afterwards it’s super awkward bc it’s like the first time he’s actually dating someone. He ran into Ryan and they have a talk where Ryan’s like “you could’ve been my first love but you were never really emotionally available bc u were in love w a straight guy and also not confident in the fact that u are gay. Like that summer was fun but it wasn’t real” and chad is like “oh”. Ryan was like in a serious relationship at that point but didn’t mention it bc he didn’t want to feel like he was rubbing it in lol. And then Chad thinks about things. This is like during a Thanksgiving break while still in college. Chad eventually dates a guy who understands how it’s like. Hard to be gay and figuring out relationships and stuff at different life stages.

Kelsey gets negative feedback for the first time and freaks out but eventually learns that a prof who only gives positive feedback when she deserves it is good actually. She incorporates criticism and starts to write songs that don’t suck. She continues to wear awful outfits. She has a nice girlfriend who also wears awful outfits. They are an awful annoying couple but they’re happy. They do annoying theater kid things

Ms Darbus realizes that it’s bad to force her students to completely write & choreograph their own shows and stops pouring her entire life into high school theater and fixes her problems with her “legal domestic partner” whom she was feuding with

Zeke realizes that he likes Sharpay in the same way he likes celebrities and that isn’t a crush. He makes plenty of friends in college bc everyone loves a guy who brings baked goods to places. He continues doing basketball & baking as hobbies but neither is a career & he finds passion elsewhere. He loves doing whatever he’s currently doing but doesn’t have like a Thing he wants to do forever and it takes him a while to find a forever career. He ends up teaching a variety of classes at community college and is happy doing that but also he might not do that forever. He comes to terms with his “contentment w the transience of life” and is like “if i’m happy doing what i’m doing now then that’s good enough for now”. He serves as a good contrast to all of the super driven people who know exactly where they want to be (gabriella, sharpay, ryan)

We did it. we fixed high school musical

#when things are quoted it's bc matty said them out loud :)#txt #hsm

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prettywordsyouleft · 6 years

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The Sex Contract - Chapter 22

Genre: friends to lovers au / friends with benefits / mature content / romance / angst

Characters: Shim Changmin x Kaia Ashton (OC)

A/N: Due to the overwhelming request I have followed your encouragement to bring back one of my older stories. This was back in a time where OCs were everything and writing one chapter in each main’s point of view was the trend. I hope that even though I have edited this drastically, that you can appreciate this story comes from my older style of writing. I definitely still read this often and find it enjoyable so I hope you will too.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 - FINAL

Chapter 22 – Kaia’s POV.

Kaia clamped her eyes shut as the headlights blinded her momentarily, the car’s engine soon turning off. As she reopened them, Changmin got out of the vehicle, his face a mixture of emotions. Narrowing her gaze, Kaia stood up and folded her arms across her chest.

“Kaia.” Changmin looked at her and for a moment she softened her expression with how scared he appeared. Then she remembered tonight and glared at the man all the same. “What, uh what are you doing here?”

“I wish I could have asked you the same thing earlier.”

He walked up to the internal access of his home and opened the door. Letting her in, Kaia followed Changmin up the stairs and into the apartment. Instead of approaching the situation, the Korean went straight for the refrigerator, peering inside it. She got frustrated by his avoidance and walked over. Shoving the door in attempts to get his attention, Changmin yelped and she smiled.

“Stop avoiding me in there then.”

He didn’t respond but kept whining. Opening the door, she found Changmin bending over and holding his face. Kaia’s eyes widened and she pried a hand aside to see blood coming from his nose.

“Ah it hurts!” he finally wailed and Kaia nodded, grabbing his arm and leading him to his bedroom.

“Tilt your head back to stem the bleeding,” she instructed along the way, pulling him into the bathroom and looking about for a solution. With his height, it would make more sense to use the shower and so she reached in for the nozzle and removed it from the wall whilst turning the tap on. She then beckoned Changmin over, running the cold water over his face slowly to clean the area and hope it would assist in stopping the flow. She turned it off and reached for a face cloth, pressing it to his nose firmly and waiting for it to settle down. A few minutes later it had finally subsided and Changmin took her hand away, cleaning his face up a little more.

“I didn’t expect that when I saw you sitting there Kai.”

She grimaced. “I wasn’t exactly hoping to physically harm you myself.”

He walked out of the bathroom and Kaia took a deep breath, following him into his room. Everything was still the same way as she remembered and she swallowed roughly, a wave of nostalgia hit her.

“I didn’t intentionally follow you if you think I did,” he announced and Kaia tilted her head to the side. “Not in the beginning anyway, I was on a date with the Witch.”

“I saw.” Kaia sat down on his bean bag, not wanting to climb on his bed beside him. It was hard enough being in the same room. “What is your deal though? Did you think Jaewon wouldn’t tell me about meeting you in the bathroom?!”

“I didn’t even think of it.”

“What were you thinking then?” Kaia got up, feeling the invasion of tonight coming back to surface. She had a right to be annoyed with Changmin right now.

“I wasn’t.”

He didn’t have any energy to fight with her. Kaia hesitated, wondering why he looked so meek. It wasn’t like Changmin to be so defeated. Blinking a couple of times, she turned away from him. “I don’t know what your plan is but I don’t need you to ruin things with Jaewon. You have Kaori so-”

“It’s not my intention to step into your relationship, Kaia.” Changmin’s voice wasn’t very loud, in fact, it didn’t even sound like him. “I’m sorry for following you tonight. I realised it but I didn’t want to cause a scene with Kaori either. There were reporters in the area.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Did you uh, have a good time?”

“Until I noticed you, yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kaia squeezed her eyes shut and then moved to his side. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“Something’s bothering you, what is it?”

“You.” He groaned as soon as he said it, but it was enough to make her feel like she had been electrocuted. Picking her bag up, she nodded blindly. “Kaia, it’s not like that!”

“It was stupid of me to overreact and come here. I expected differently. Please just leave me alone from now on Changmin and don’t follow me anymore, I don’t like it.” She hurried to the front door but the Korean stopped her exit, stepping in front of it.

“I’m sorry that the contract did all this to our friendship.”

Kaia blinked roughly. “I, I am too. I have to go.”

“I miss you so much, Kaia.”

“Really need to go now,” she repeated, blinking back her tears. He seemed to accept this and stepped aside, slumping against the wall. Kaia took advantage of it and dashed out of the house, running down the path and away from the entire scene.

A couple of days went by and Kaia had become confused about everything around her. She went to work, though she barely focused there, and had shut off from both Keith and Sungra. Kaia even spotted Abby meeting with Kim Junsu again, although it held no effect. All she could think of was how Changmin appeared when she last saw him. His face was the first thing she saw when she woke up and the last when she went to sleep, the miserable expression weighing her down no matter where she was. And no matter what Kaia tried to remove it, Changmin still remained on her brain. It was hopeless, and she guessed was a true sign that she was more in love with him than she realised.

The first guy that she didn’t try to paint as her Prince had arrived in her life. And she couldn’t even have him.

“Kaia?” She snapped her attention to Sungra and blinked out of her thoughts.

“Mm?”

The Korean eyed her warily. “Minah’s been calling for you to go into her office for the past five minutes, didn’t you hear her?”

“She has?” Sungra nodded. “Oh, okay.”

Kaia got up and walked over to her office, knocking on the door and stepped inside. She felt instantly nervous, wondering if her work was appearing as distracted as she felt. Minah smiled and instructed Kaia to take a seat.

“Is everything okay?” she enquired and Kaia smiled weakly.

“To be honest, not really but it’s a personal issue, I’m sorry for letting it affect my work here.”

“I’m glad you admitted to that,” the older woman clasped her hands together. “It shows responsibility. Is it anything you’d like to talk about?”

Kaia shook her head. “I wouldn’t know where to begin and it’s something I don’t have my head around completely.”

“I wouldn’t ask someone normally to do this job for me with their head so out of the game; however you’re one of the only members of staff here at Korea Star with hands-on experience.”

“I am?” Kaia became intrigued, wondering what Minah was going to offer.

“There is a music festival coming up that has invited friends from Japan over. It will showcase Japanese acts, but more importantly, it will also have performances from Korean groups that promote over in Japan. It has an impressive line-up, and I want you to attend it and be the VIP reporter for Korea Star. You can choose one other staff member to help.”

Kaia gulped. “Why me?”

“As I said, you impressed me with your TONE editorial. I want to see just how well you are out on the front line. It could give you massive benefits, as people have already come to me regarding your articles recently.”

“People have what?” Kaia was stunned. “This is why you asked me to write under my real name? So I could get a credible portfolio in case I get interest from bigger journalism opportunities?”

Minah nodded. “It took you a while to realise this, didn’t it?”

“I only understood it now,” Kaia admittedly sheepishly and laughed awkwardly.

“Will you do the festival then? It’s going to help you tremendously.”

“I uh.” Kaia sighed. “Do you have the line-up?”

“Yes TVXQ will be performing, it’s a given.” Minah smiled knowingly. “Whatever went down between you and the members there is none of my business but stop sabotaging your professionalism for them. And I’m sure it will be good fun, there are heaps of artists performing, like KARA, THE BOSS, Supernova, Girl’s Day, CODE V and even SHINee. You’ll get in for free as being part of the press. Surely you don’t want to miss out on a great concert?”

“Did you say CODE V?” Kaia repeated and the woman nodded. She knew she had to go then. “Alright, I’ll do it.”

“This is amazing!” Abby yelled and Kaia nodded, grinning at the girl. She had ended up choosing the American over Sungra and Keith, who had been impressively trying to get picked to join Kaia. She didn’t want to cause any fights or rivalries between the pair and opted to take a safer choice. It had worked out well so far, as they had been enjoying the concert together and getting a lot of work done at the same time. It helped that Abby was good with a camera too, as Kaia wasn’t able to capture the most influential moments in anything better than words.

Speaking into the voice recorder regarding the Girl’s Day performance, Kaia then turned to Abby. “Can you hold up here? I just need to use the bathroom.”

“Sure, don’t be long yeah?”

Kaia smiled and headed behind the scenes to the designated press area, looking for the toilets. Finding the sign directing to them, she went to turn but banged into a familiar woman. She looked Kaia up and down just like their last encounter, but this time instead of walking off, she placed a hand on Kaia’s lower arm. “My English is not good.”

“I can speak Korean if that helps?” Kaia responded in her second language and she nodded.

“I speak this better. Let’s talk.”

“About?”

“Shim Changmin,” Kaori stated and Kaia froze as Kaori’s elegant face broke into a smile. “Ah, so you know him as I thought.”

“Yes, but I really have nothing to do with him.”

“Not what I’ve picked up on. I saw where he was looking on his date with me. I also know he followed you afterwards. Let me just get this clear. Stay away. People like you don’t belong with people like us. Haven’t you learnt this by now?”

“I don’t-”

She smiled brightly before leaning in to hug Kaia, Kaori’s mouth hovering around her ear. “If I see you with Changmin again, I will make sure you have no future in Korea.”

_________________

Part 23

[TVXQ Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

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thecityofselcouth · 2 years

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Beautiful, Veronica froze at the word. Had he just called her beautiful? She waited for the ‘but’ that she was sure would follow, but as the seconds passed, there was nothing but the sounds of the fair going on around them. Although she had not been in this scenario regularly, she had experienced several similar. ‘I think you're really nice,’ or ‘sweet;’ there had even been a, ‘pretty okay looking,’ but all of them had added the ‘but,’ and never, not once, had anyone ever called her beautiful. Realizing that she was sitting there with her mouth slightly open, Veronica adjusted the way she was sitting so that she could give him her full attention.

Feeling as though he may need some prompting to continue, she tilted her head a smidge and spoke with her hands as she said, “This is where you say, ‘But,’ and then continue your sentence.” It wasn’t as though she did not return the sentiment; she had known she was attracted to him the first time she had met him. But she really did not have any clue on who this man was, other than the fact that he was friends with James and looked as though he had stepped out of one of the romance novels on her bookshelf.

Perhaps he was on some sort of hard substance, or maybe his mother had dropped him on his head on several occasions. Veronica could see either of those to be valid reasons as to why he had said what he did. Maybe there was something that he wanted from her; she could see where it could play a factor, but what was she comparatively? Despite the idea that Damian had been truthful with her so far, she had a hard time accepting his statement. And despite all of these doubts, there was a small feeling of hope that kept her heart beating, and stopped her from making a run for the hills.

---

James took the opportunity to get away from the Walker woman and Tony, and followed after Albert. He was beginning to remember the negatives that came along with pursuing a relationship again with Collins. For example, her jealousy towards any other woman who breathed in his direction was something that he had not missed. While he could see where she may have taken what June had said incorrectly, James also thought that Collins was overreacting. Once they were over by the horses, he stepped back against the fence line and leaned against it. Deciding that he was going to play into her game, James pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through various social media.

Albert realized that he was in the middle of a lovers’ spat too late, and he cursed June in his head for placing him in the situation. He had put out his cigar before coming over to help them, and he was regretting his choices, craving the sweet satisfaction of nicotine. Feeling bad for Margarete, the horse, he patted her long neck before helping the woman into the saddle. “Have you ever ridden a horse before?” he asked, holding onto the reins, happy that the woman had chosen a gentle, patient horse.

---

June felt the flush that flashed across her chest, and began crawling its way up her neck. “Dios mío,” she murmured as she watched him greet Beatrice, the pot bellied pig. Her eyes traced the veins in his hands until they disappeared up underneath his dress shirt. She sucked in a breath, as she unashamedly allowed her eyes to roam the expanse of his chest, and suppressed a primal urge to allow her tongue the same courtesy from navel to collarbone. She had to look away from him to get rid of the thought.

Get your shit together, June, she told herself before making her way over to Beatrice’s gate, and instead of entering, she climbed the fencing nearby, giving him full view of her best asset and as her shirt rose up her back, a glimpse at the small script tattooed at the base of her spine. Sitting perched on the top of the fence, she motioned for him to enter the pin, “If you want to ruin your suit, go right ahead, Mister Big Italian Man; I will have a good view from up here.” She crossed her legs, and tossed her hair over her shoulder to stop it from getting into her face.

---

Spinning to face Olly as he got her attention, Noah looked into his face, pleading for him to understand. Whenever she only found confusion and his concern for her, Noah scrubbed her free hand down her face and then through her hair, gripping it in between her fingers. She glanced past him towards the parked cars that lined the fairgrounds parking lot, and bit her lip before looking him in the eyes. “Look Oliver,” she started but paused, not really knowing how to get her scattered thoughts out, “I can’t really explain why yet, and if I did, you would think that I was fucking crazy.”

A hysterical laugh escaped her lips before she cut it off to continue, “I mean, I feel a little crazy.” She knew that she was not making any clear sense, and that it was only making matters worse, but she couldn’t stop the words coming out of her mouth, “But I need you to trust me when I say stay the hell away from Collins and that tall, freak of nature..” Her voice rose as her hands threw themselves in the air, “I mean, have you seen the muscles on that guy?! Like does he eat metabolic steroids for breakfast or something?!” She had to take a deep breath to calm her heart rate, as she felt Germ’s nervous energy radiating at her side. “Just, stay away from them,” she finished as Germ nudged her hand with his snout. She used the soft fur on his ear to calm her, as she rubbed it.

---

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Shell

Our next aro-spec creator is Shell, already known to the aro-spec community as @arosnowflake and the author of the awesome short story Seducing Trouble!

Shell is an autistic, ADHD, non-binary aro-ace person who writes short stories, original fiction, fanfiction and essays. You can find eir fanworks on AO3 under the username spitecentral, writing for the Voltron: Legendary Defender, Fullmetal Alchemist, DC Universe, Batman and Batgirl fandoms, and we’ll hope ey posts more pieces from eir original Coffeeshop Project!

With us Shell talks about how ey writes romance as an aro-ace, depicting relationships in fiction, the impact of amatonormativity on creativity and eir alienation from current aro-spec community conversations. Eir words bound with enthusiasm on authentic creativity and the growth of the aro-spec community, so please let’s give em all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

I never thought I was anything other than straight, although I did start noticing that I was different from other people when I was as young as twelve (for example, I remember being asked to pick the handsomest guy in a boy band, but to me, they all looked the same). However, I simply put this down to my autism, and since I was already desensitized to differences with peers, I pretty much ignored it. That is, until I repeatedly saw the word ‘asexual’ used online, and I began to wonder what it was, so I googled it. After reading the first paragraph on the Wikipedia page, I basically slammed my computer shut and did my very best to convince myself that no, I was overreacting, and also straight; after all, I was already autistic and ADHD, so any more diversity would be implausible.

Past me was so naive.

Anyway, I came to terms with being asexual at sixteen, and openly started identifying with it without adding ‘I think’ when I was seventeen. When I learned about the SAM, I initially dismissed the idea of being aro because I had a couple of crushes when I was a kid. However, after learning more about aromanticism and after some conversations with aromantic people, I decided to adopt the label since it really fit me. I mean, I was like nine when I had those crushes, and I don’t feel like they counted. I’m fairly sure now that I was just having them because it seemed like the Thing To Do, and, even then, all of my fantasies involved a more platonic ‘best friends forever but with shared pets’ lifestyle than a romantic thing. So while I may or may not have had crushes before, I don’t think I ever will again, and I don’t want to either, so I’ve adopted the aromantic label. I know it sounds weird, but oh well!

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I don’t remember exactly why or when I began to write. I know it happened when I was around twelve, but that’s kind of it? It’s not really a spectacular story. As for how I began to create the things I do now, that’s slightly more interesting. Really, everything centers around one thing: spite. No one writes autistic characters, and no one writes stories with no romantic plotlines, so I guess I’ll have to do it myself! That’s my literal thought process behind my writing at any given moment, honestly. Even when I’m not writing about autism or other marginalized identities, I write obscure and sometimes absurdist fantasy with magic types or settings that I haven’t seen used before, because I find writing that fascinating, or because I’m annoyed that no one else has used that particular idea. I’m fairly sure that was the reason I began writing originally, too: I had stories I wanted to read, and no one was writing them, so I guess I’ll have to do it.

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Well, first and foremost, I never focus on romantic relationships. Even when they appear in the story, they are not the focus. I’m so sick and tired of reading romantic plotlines, and I am not planning on ever contributing to that trend, thank you very much. So platonic relationships, worldbuilding or character development are often central to the story, instead of romance.

Second, I have this habit of interpreting tropes differently than allos because of my aromanticism. Name soulmates, for example. I know they aren’t a very popular trope in the aro community, but I love them. However, I have a different definition of them than most: I’ve always interpreted a ‘soulmate’ as someone who changes your life (for better or for worse), not your ‘other half’ or whatever nonsense we’re on today. I didn’t even realize that wasn’t a widespread thing until I heard aros complain about soulmate tropes! Stuff like that happens on a fairly regular basis, so I think my aromanticism definitely affects how I write certain settings/tropes, too.

Third, if I do write romance, I feel like I do it in a different way than allo creators. First, I suck at it. Badly. I used to try and write it in the same way that I always heard about it, bold and dramatic and mushy, and my mom (my loyal proofreader when I was a kid), always looked at me awkwardly and was like, ‘No, that’s not how it’s done.’ Since I don’t experience it, I honest to god don’t get why people insist that it’s the best or most important feeling in the world. The way characters in fiction always put their friendships or anything else on hold when that person walks by just … baffles me. I can’t write romance that way. I just can’t.

Instead, I tend to write romance in a much quieter way. If two of my characters are in an established relationship (and it’s always established because I still can’t write ‘coming together’ stories for the life of me), they are casual and comfortable with each other. In any relationship I write, platonic or romantic, I find open communication and trust to be very important. I kind of give all my relationships that same base, and then I add little flavours that I think are unique to that type of relationship. For romance, this is soft love and PDA. PDA is usually quick kisses on the cheek, holding hands, etc. The love is the type of thing where they fondly smile whenever the other does anything, really. I think that more subtle way of writing romance works decently, although I have gotten a lot of people telling me that I often also write friendships as romance, which is weird because I don’t think I do? I add a louder sort of love to friends, generally, and when they do have a quiet moment, it’s usually more serious rather than fond, and I think that’s different. But maybe I do write friendships as romance but I haven’t noticed it? Or maybe it’s amatonormativity making people read it like that?

I don’t know. I have no clue what I’m doing. Save me.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

I can only talk about what I face as a fanfic writer, as I don’t really post my original works because I lack the platform for them. (I sometimes post stuff when there are events going on over on larger blogs than lil’ old me, but that doesn’t happen consistently enough to really be talked about.)

As a fanfic writer, well. I’m sure you’ve all heard it before: no one reads gen fic. Although I tend to have a pretty high kudos-to-hits ratio, that means nothing if you get less than 100 hits. In my case especially, as I tend to write for niche audiences, usually picking unpopular characters or friendships to write for, or writing specifically about autistic experiences. Not having the added hook of romance really hurts me in my exposure. Almost always when a story becomes kind of popular (as in it has 40+ kudos), it’s because it’s been recommended by someone with a bigger platform than me, or when I write about popular characters.

(There’s other reasons my stories don’t get popular, of course, like not knowing how to self-advertise and the fact that I have the charisma of a rock, but that’s not what this section is about.)

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

Not at all, honestly? I said before I talked to some aromantic people, but that was mostly by anon asks, and the few I did actually message, well, I remade my blog so now I don’t have any contact. On top of that, the aro community (to my knowledge) doesn’t really have a central tag? Like, the autistic community has the #actuallyautistic tag, but I think the closest we have is #safeforaro, which (to my understanding) is more a reaction to discourse than anything else.

Aside from that, the aro community is really small, and mostly focused on making younger aros accept their identity. While that’s great, as someone who already has accepted their identity, it distances me a bit. And the few blogs that don’t focus on this, while absolutely lovely, are always so … sad? A large part of the aro community is depressed and bitter, worrying about losing their friends, worrying about their future. While that’s absolutely valid, I’d already moved on from that when I was younger, when I accepted the fact that because I was autistic, I would have trouble connecting and staying connected to people. It’s disheartening, sure, but I’ve accepted it and moved past it, so seeing the aro community still hung up on it saddens me. I can’t really give advice because, well, their worries are legit and they just need to come to terms with it at their own pace, and I’m bad at comforting without advice, so I’m just kind of stuck listening to it. It drains me a lot, so I distance myself.

I feel like we, as a community, can do a lot to dismantle amatonormativity, but since we still haven’t figured out what it is exactly, and we’re still grieving over the way we’re impacted by it, we’re not getting anything done. I’m bad at connecting with communities when I don’t know how to contribute to them, so I don’t really interact with it. And outside of the internet, there seems to be no aro community at all (or at least I haven’t found it), so I feel very isolated.

Wow that got real dark real fast. Sorry for being such a downer, but I did feel like it needed to be said.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

…speaking of being a downer.

It’s well known that fandom isn’t a safe space for aro/ace people. It’s a very ship-centric place, to the point where it’s almost impossible to escape romance, and I hate it. I’m here because I like expanding on stories and characters and playing with established narratives, not because I want to see two people kiss. Because my wants and needs are different from most of the fandom, I tend to be isolated and unpopular, and while that’s mostly fine with me (it creates less drama), I really wish I had people to talk to.

As for being an original writer, I’ve already mentioned that I don’t post my work because I don’t have a platform. Now, granted, it’s rather difficult to create a platform as a writer, especially if you’re not that social and don’t know how to market yourself (hi), but I feel like being aro also helps to distance me. Romance is a rather large hook to any work of fiction in the publishing industry, to the point where some publishers will demand a romance subplot in your book. I write obscure things that I myself enjoy, and as a result, my stories aren’t very marketable. I doubt that I’ll ever get published, simply because I’m, well, weird.

I totally understand the publisher’s perspective of not wanting to pick up books or stories that simply won’t sell (and experience has told me that my stories will indeed never be popular), but it still saddens me. I could probably learn to write more popular stories, but I don’t want to do that, since writing for me really is about expressing myself (though I’m not judging anyone who writes popular stuff for money; we all need to eat).

So, to summarize, I’m not marketable or interesting either as a writer or as a fandom member to either communities, which isolates me, which sucks, but it also enables me to really stop giving a shit. Sounds weird, but once I figured out that I’m not gonna get published or be popular, I really felt free to do whatever I want. Because ultimately the only person that really likes my writing is me, I’ll make myself happy first and foremost. While this sounds kind of depressing, it’s actually motivated me to keep writing, and it stops me from getting too depressed or anxious when a story I post only gets a dozen or so kudos/notes, so I think that’s a positive thing. Because ultimately, to me, the most important thing about writing isn’t the community, it’s having fun and creating something new, and as long as I can do that, I’ll be happy.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

The obvious answer is read my stories and reblog/leave kudos/comment, which is also true for every other writer, but I feel like that’s ignoring the underlying reason romance-free stuff just doesn’t get popular. The reason my stuff is unpopular isn’t because of the aro community, but because of the alloro people being more numerous and not caring.

Instead, I’m going to say that I would be helped if the aro community started focusing more on what it means to be aro, expanding on the meaning of amatonormativity, and spreading the word to allo communities. Amatonormativity is something that hurts all of us, especially fellow LGBT+ members, and I think that once more people start to realize what it is and how it’s harmful, they would try to examine their own biases and help us dismantle it. That way, gen stories will get more popular in fandom spaces, and stories without a focus on romance will have more chance of thriving in the publishing industry. It’s not a foolproof plan, and maybe I’m just too optimistic about my fellow humans, but it’s worth a shot and better than doing nothing.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

I have several current projects! My ADHD always makes me bounce dozens of ideas around in my head and start even more works, but very few of them ever get finished. However! One story I’m fairly sure I’m getting finished is an original piece about a universe in which everyone needs to buy a heart on a necklace in order to feel love. It’s an old story that I’m reworking to contain less aromisia, since I was still rather ignorant when I wrote the first draft, but I think it has a lot of potential to examine love in its entirety, and I’m super excited about it!

The only thing I don’t like about it is the incredibly melodramatic writing style I’m using; unfortunately, my writing always seems to be needlessly dramatic and I cry every time I read it because I just hate it so much. Since this is a fairly serious piece, it’s even worse than usual. I’m toying with the idea of starting a humorous and light piece to offset it, probably about an aromantic witch and her familiar who con people into buying fake love potions.

And of course, my Coffeeshop Project is always ongoing!

The Coffeeshop Project is a project I started when I badly needed to de-stress. It’s been my go-to comfort project ever since, meaning that I try not to put pressure on myself over the quality of it, and that I don’t do any research specifically for the project (although I often incorporate research that I did for other things).

The Coffeeshop Project is a series of stand-alone short stories in the same universe centred around the shenanigans of the crew of Café Nowhere, a café with a supernatural clientele. (I’m afraid I have a soft spot for supernatural shops.)

The story I wrote for the aro prompt on this blog was actually part of it! It was set a couple of years prior to the current ‘canon’, and introduces Ethan, who is now 22 and is infamous for taking down an intergalactic smuggling ring. There are more crew members, but listing them would take forever, so if anyone is interested, feel free to just ask!

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

I have several ideas about forthcoming works that may or may not get written, including the above, a role reversal AU for Fullmetal Alchemist (for which I have to research a lot about blindness, and since I hate research but don’t want to compromise on an accurate betrayal of disability, that might never get finished – I’m sorry y’all, but I’m doing this for free and only have so many spoons), an in-progress work for Batman about magic that I just cannot seem to pace correctly, a fic with a respectful portrayal of an autistic Black Manta as a passive-aggressive middle finger to DC comics, an analysis of FMA and/or Harry Potter from an aromantic perspective, etc. But with my ADHD and my gazillion ideas it’s always a 50/50 chance that something actually gets finished, so I don’t like to promise anything.

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maidenoftheforestlight-blog · 7 years

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You are literally a disgusting degenerate thinking that a young fucking child is "exploring her own desires" by trying to deal with a grown man who has threatened to rape her. I bet you gross ass would think that the creep who kidnapped poor Elizabeth Smart was just trying to keep her safe. The irony of having a problem with incest but not with pedophilia you piece of shit freak.

Firstly, I want you to know that I don’t appreciate this abuse or this accusation and the sheer hatefulness of this post, the fact that you went on a personal attack over shipping, is both a ridiculous overreaction and grounds for being blocked.

But I’m going to give you a chance and try to reason with you first. Because, rather like Sansa, I like to believe the best of people. I think you’re better than how you’ve presented yourself.

Now, I feel like if you’re going to treat these characters as if they were actually real people in a real world that plays by the rules of modern society you would find an incestuous relationship between siblings (and as a person who comes from a family of adoptees- not that that’s your business- the fact that they’re really cousins makes no difference to me. They are siblings and love each other as siblings) just as abhorrent as a potential future relationship between Sansa and Sandor… two people who regardless of their age difference have made a huge (overwhelmingly positive) impact on each other and canonically have a relationship with romantic tension.

If you have a problem with the Sansan romance, take it up with GRRM… he’s the one writing it into the series. There are a lot of couples with big age differences in the asoiaf universe (e.g Jaime and Brienne have exactly the same age gap). If you’re ok with cousin incest because of “medieval times were different” (an assumption on my part, I know. I actually have no idea why you’re ok with incest in this fictional world but I’m going to also go ahead an assume that you’re not ok with incest in reality… A courtesy you unfortunately have not extended to me) then it strikes me as odd that you’re not also ok with GRRM’s use of “big age gaps were common back then”… especially since both things actually aren’t really all that historically accurate to most of medieval Europe… Certainly not as general practices like they are in Westeros.

Most Sansan shippers ship this relationship because of Sansa’s actual feelings and character development that arise out of this relationship. And no… there’s nothing wrong with people who were also once thirteen year olds reading into the fact that a thirteen year old is exploring her own desires and sexuality through fantasies about an older person that authority figures wouldn’t consider appropriate for her… Because most of us were thirteen years old once (or are thirteen years old now) and most of us had crushes or fantasies about people we could never be with (or even should never be with! gasp!). But here’s the thing about fantasy and fiction, they allow us to explore sides of ourselves that we must otherwise repress. For young women in particular, fantasy can serve to free us (at least in our minds) from the constraints of “socially approved” expressions of sexuality or desire.

For a character like Sansa whose arc is so concerned with the role of women in society and the acceptable expression of femininity, as well as thoroughly policed and controlled female sexuality… It’s important that her “sexual awakening” is prompted not by some kind of Westerosi ideal of masculinity, not at all by a man that any traditional Westerosi Patriarch would choose for his daughter, not by the handsome golden prince of the fairytales Sansa was spoon fed from infancy- the very stories that blinded her to much of what is wrong with her society… No, rather than that shining paragon of Westerosi patriarchal culture, Sansa becomes attracted to Sandor Clegane. A man that for all his many faults (and no one denies that he has many) is also truly a victim of the system, of childhood abuse and neglect, who has never known kindness or compassion, who has been dehumanised by everyone on account of a deformity caused by his own brother (a brother who was rewarded by society rather than punished!) to the point that he is called a dog and treated like a dog… like a Beast, in fact. Because that is what GRRM is reconstructing here; the Beauty and the Beast story. What makes a man become a Beast? What about Beauty triggers change in him? What about Beast makes Beauty start to feel for him…and later fall for him? To see the man hidden behind the ugliness? These are the things GRRM is examining.

Regardless of what you want to believe anon, young teen girls do have sexual fantasies… a good number of them have such fantasies about people way older than them… It’s a thing. If that resonates with a reader who is or was a teenaged girl, that doesn’t make them “disgusting” or a “pedophile”, not does it make GRRM a pedophile. Just as I am sure you do not promote the acceptance of incest in the real world, I think you should really open your mind to the possibility that just because someone finds a fictional relationship with a large age gap interesting, and would like to see where the author takes that relationship in future (keeping in mind that Sansa would likely have been 18 or older by the time she was reunited with Sandor if GRRM had been able to stick to his original plan), it doesn’t mean they even like or accept relationships with large age gaps in reality, even between adults. Accusations of pedophilia are just beyond the pale. You have no idea what people behind the computer screen have gone through in their lives or what their friends, family, acquaintances or colleagues have gone through. You just don’t know. I would ask that you stop to think more carefully before you post any kind of serious accusation like that to anyone again. Especially over anything so trivial as preferences in shipping in a fantasy series.

Lastly, I know you sent me this message anonymously with the intention that I would “fight back” and get into some kind of argument with you. Maybe you thought I would sling insults back at you and also accuse you of horrible, sick crimes. I’m sorry that I haven’t provided you with that entertainment. That kind of drama simply doesn’t interest me and further more, I think it is beneath both of us as rational human beings who are capable of understanding the difference between fiction and reality. I seriously considered not replying at all and simply blocking you, but I decided not to do that in the end. Because I believe in giving people the chance to prove that they can be better than their negative first impression. So I leave it up to you. If you want to discuss literature with me like a rational, polite, adult, then I’m willing to put this behind us.

But I do not suffer trolls. If you post hateful messages to me again you will be blocked.

Have a nice day.

#because I like to believe in people #and the promotion of peaceful and rational discourse is one of the most necessary things in today's world imo #also Sandor never threatens Sansa with rape?#if you're referring to what he says to Arya... he was literally trying to goad her into killing him #He has only ever tried to help and protect Sansa #Even the Blackwater events resulted from a failed rescue attempt due to his PTSD #that doesn't excuse his actions but it does explain them and he's certainly no rapist #Sandor is more respectful of Sansa's personal space and youth that a majority of the men she comes into contact with #he's attracted to her but never touches her inappropriately and even recognises that it is wrong for him to look her as if she were grown #this is in stark contrast to #the other 'leading men' in Sansa's life #sansan #shipping discourse #oh tumblr...#using real life abuse as a moral soap box in your shipping war is exceptionally immature

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lightsorigins · 4 years

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Fluctuations

When he opened his eyes, Malden remained as straight as a board. He stared at the bedroom ceiling for a few seconds before turning his head to the window. The shutters were wide open. Yet he remembered that Kieran had closed them the night before. It didn't matter. He stood up slowly and felt the icy cold of the systemic dawn make him shiver. It was around nine o'clock, the sun was rising. Even slower than he was, he thought. Malden knew that it was not easy to be more phlegmatic than he was.

- Except you, Mr. Sun," he murmured, still leaning out the window.

He lost himself in his thoughts for a few minutes. Now that he'd had a good time with his friend, he'd have to think about going home and face his mother's wrath for allowing himself to leave the day before. What an idea to get up so early! He remembered very well that sleep had come late, and fatigue would quickly overcome him during the day. Malden turned and saw Kieran lying on his back, his blanket over part of his body diagonally. He was sleeping with his mouth open and snoring so loudly he could have woken a dragon. The sight made him chuckle.

Discreetly, he collected his things, put on his shoes, and left the apartment without waking anyone. He put on his headphones and played "How Long Can I Go" by "Sam Celentano". Once outside, several options came to mind. There was a park north of Lausya, where he often went to play sports. He also had a painting he had started and wanted to finish. However, the longer he stayed outside, the more problems he would have to deal with when he returned.

- It's up to me. I can go to the park and do push-ups. Take up my painting, knowing that I might run into mom. Maybe I can give Sylva a call and see if I can't come over early. I could have stayed at Kieran's, but now that I'm out, I'm not going to wake him up to come back... And seeing as he's asleep, he won't wake up, that's for sure, he concluded by putting his hand on his face.

Malden suddenly noticed that he had a few unread messages. Naturally, these were from his mother. The most important one was this:

"I don't appreciate your attitude lately. We'll have a discussion as soon as you get home. You know there are rules to follow in this house, and they apply to everyone, even you! »

The first response that came to mind was "You never liked my attitude, and you never understood me. "But he found it too tiring to get into a conflict with her. It was better not to escalate the situation. Akane, his mother, had been an adventurer during her youth. During certain periods, it happened that she went on adventures for a few weeks with her old group of friends. She is a Gial (Earth) atmologist, focused on the Veltôs (Control) path, and her atmology is an ochre red. At a very young age, Akane received a strict and hard education, and also underwent many hazing which forged her character for sure. She has never been an example of softness. This hard and uncompromising character made communication with Malden particularly complicated over the years.

It didn't matter in the end. Malden decided to get on his way and go home. He might as well face Mother Dragon as quickly as possible to put out the flames. Unfortunately, it didn't take much for his mood to be affected. These expressions from his mother reminded him how lonely he felt in his family, despite the good relationship he had with his sister Sawako, and his brother Hayate. He always ended up being seen as too intense, too whiny or touchy and moody. When he thought about it, however, Malden knew that factually he lacked nothing. He was a healthy, rather good-looking young man, good at a few subjects, athletic, with a group of sympathetic and understanding friends, a certain amount of freedom in his personal life, and so on. However, it seemed that something was missing.

It was as if there was a void somewhere. A fear of not living up to his own image, or of failing at what he could do. He was so special that he could be admired for the strangeness of his thoughts and artistic productions, but also stigmatized, and found "weird", or "unapproachable", to use terms he had heard about himself. Yet he longed to be accepted for who he was, without becoming like everyone else.

When he opened the door to the apartment, he expected to find his mother getting ready for work. Instead, he found Sawako sitting in the kitchen. She was having breakfast: a glass of hot delicatessen milk with a little pethmergale sugar. The whole thing made the milk look dark and creamy. She was reading a manga while smoking a cigarette.

- Hi! he said. I didn't think you'd be here at this hour. I thought I'd find Mom instead.

- Nah, she left pretty early this morning to buy some stuff. I don't think she's gonna be back for a while. Where did you go anyway? Kieran's?

- Yeah. We wanted to watch "Alvist Wars" quietly, but Isaac had come into my room yesterday to snoop on something. I yelled at her, she got involved and... well, you know mom.

- Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, she wasn't too happy about it. In fact, she was angry that you broke like that. I understand, but you could have avoided it, or told me about it. I would have tempered the situation a bit, you know how I usually do.

- I know, but Kieran kind of rushed me, I didn't have much time to make my decision. I've done this plenty of times before, but it seems like yesterday was worse than usual. Why is that?

- Didn't Mom tell you what we have to do tonight?

- No?

- Okay, too weird. Well, actually we're supposed to go to Welliyo with Dad, Mom and Helen to see Melva. Maybe there's some news about her memory, but nothing transcendent you know.

Malden hiccupped in surprise and recoiled slightly. He felt stupid, but also excluded for not having been kept in the loop.

- Is she serious? Why didn't she tell me?

- I think she was going to propose to you yesterday.

- Suggesting me the day before for the day after? What if I had something to do? Yes, I would have canceled. I would cancel anything to go see Melva, but still.

- Anyway, chances are that's why she's so upset about your escapade yesterday. You should just apologize and tell her you'll be there tonight, if you want to be safe. I'll cover for you, but do what I say. I mean, I'll figure out how to fix it, I'll improvise.

- And you think you can get Isaac to stop making my life miserable?

- Don't worry, I'll work it out by ruining his. There are a few things he and I need to discuss. He's still asleep, but I'm setting him up for a real wake-up call.

- You're handling it, thanks. I have to go see Sylvania this afternoon. Do you think you can handle that too?

- Consider it done," Sawako replied, winking at him.

Malden knew he could always count on her in many circumstances. At 27 years old, she was the oldest of her siblings, and therefore the one with the authority right after her parents. And fortunately, Sawako had a lot in common with Malden. Both of them were very sensitive and attached to their deepest values, but Sawako tended to be more withdrawn and passive than her brother. She was a specialist in the art of running away and saying nothing, letting go, sleeping and lazing around. Beyond her studies in water atmology, she loved to write poetry, fiction, and play video games with horror, romance, and role-playing themes. At least that's what her mother told her. Malden, on the other hand, was much more active and enjoyed going out, shopping and discovering more about the world around him. With his pocket money, he bought a lot of things like incense, posters and an infinite amount of clothes that he could wear according to his moods. Besides,

since he would have to go back to Sylvania in the afternoon, he started looking for different clothes to change into after his shower. Leaving his hair down, Malden put a diamond-shaped earring in his left ear, as well as a golden pendant with a small sphere. He put on a gray sweater with "N.O.T.H.I.N.G." in bright green letters. Further down, in small print, it read "Nobody On This Healthiest Irrelevant Narrow-minded Globality. ». Malden liked to wear this sweater when he wasn't sure how he felt. He often hoped that those closest to him would be able to decode this information and understand how he was feeling by carefully observing how he dressed. But it never worked.He went to his room to finish getting ready. After putting on his black shorts and sneakers, the same green as his sweater's typography, he heard his mother coming back to the apartment. Sawako immediately struck up a conversation with her. Malden reached out to listen.

- Malden is back to the point.

- Is he in his room?

- Yeah, but I think it's best to leave it alone for a bit today.

- Oh no! Have you seen how he's acting right now? I have to talk to him, this is too much. And he doesn't answer the messages I leave! That's not an attitude!

- I know, I know mom. But he's a teenager, so you have to imagine that he's going to do a few more silly things like that.

- Sawako, do you defend your brother when he takes the wrong path? Do you think you're helping him to act that way?

Akane spoke loudly and raised her voice with every sentence. She was panting, exhausted from bringing all the groceries alone from the store. Despite her intensive training as a fighter, she was much less active since she had built her family life, and was therefore much more quickly tired for actions that, in her youth, were just a walk in the park for her.

- Plus no one helped me with the groceries today! I have to do everything alone in this house, it's not possible! Call your father for me, so he can come and help me clean up instead of sleeping again!

- Mom, I'm not defending Malden, but I think you're overreacting a bit. He just went to Kieran's. He wanted to watch "Alvist Wars" and he came home early. He's doing well in school and he doesn't have bad company. Don't you think you should leave him alone for a while and deal with Suzanne and Hayate, who are always provoking him?

- Yes, yes it's good. Okay, I'll leave it. Let him do. Call your father now. Is Malden coming tonight so we can go visit Melva, yes or no?

- It will be there.

Malden smiled broadly and clenched his fist in victory. What could he do without Sawako? He felt himself growing wings. The weekend would probably be much more enjoyable than he had imagined. Grabbing his cell phone, he decided to send a message to Sylvania.

"Hi Sylva 😊! Do you think we could eat together this lunch? Like, at a snack bar not too far from your place, and then we spend the afternoon together like we said? »

Every time he took the time to send her a message, Malden's hands were shaking and sweaty. Would he choose the right words? Was he being pushy? Or too weird? Did she realize how he felt about her? And even worse: did he really feel something for her? And this something, was it love? It was so complex for him to understand, so difficult to be totally sure, considering the particular situation. Didn't she just remind him of his sister, who is now in the hospital and he misses her so much? Malden didn't know. He always came to the conclusion that it was probably best to let it go and see where it would take him.

His phone vibrated. It was her. She had just answered! He hurried to open the message.

"Hi Malden! That's a really cool proposal. Where do you want to eat? And what do you want to eat? Something usual and not too far away, just to do it quietly? »

"Noon, at the pizza place across the street from you? »

"Perfect! See you later! »

Since everything was already planned, all he had to do was spend the time he had left doing something he liked. So he threw himself into the painting he had started a few days ago. Malden was fond of searching for photographs of various places in the Mysticiën, and recently his attention had been drawn to pictures of the Omaltäb Forests in Almarosa territory to the south. He was busy redrawing the trees with pink, dark blue, green or even black foliage that could be found there. The simple fact of smelling the paint in the room made him feel a certain fullness that nothing else could give him. After taking care to lock the door of his room so as not to be disturbed, he painted for a long time and moved forward on his canvas. If for some reason he couldn't become an alvist or a martial artist, Malden knew he would become a painter and would do everything he could to fulfill that dream. And even if he did become an alvist and a martial artist, he would be a painter too! With his savings, he vowed to buy a high performance camera and take photographs from original angles and then redesign and paint unusual places in the country, giving them a special interpretation with special color schemes. This was how he would communicate to the world the way he perceived and felt the universe. This idea excited him.

Shortly before the appointment time, Malden rushed to the front door to get going. When he opened it, he passed the kitchen, where he saw his parents preparing dinner. While he was already on the landing, he heard his mother's authoritative voice.

- Be back by five o'clock, we'll go see Melva. We won't wait for you forever.

- Uh, yes, Mom. See you tonight!

- That's it," she said dismissively.

The sun was shining on Lausya, accompanied by a rather strong wind. A gust of wind blew straight towards Malden, removing his hood and messing up his hair. He who wanted to be elegant for Sylvania, it was from now on lost pain. He sighed discreetly while putting back his hood. That was not going to dry his good mood found. He was now listening to "Apricot" by "Sam Celentano". Malden could already imagine himself with Sylvania teaching him some scales and making him listen to her melodies. Her calmness, her kindness and her rigor were for him like nectar and ambrosia. He admired her terribly, and these sentimental questions about her were very recent. But he had known her for a few years already.

After a few minutes, Malden reached the main square where Sylvania and her mother lived. There was a fountain in the center, and some stone slabs decorated with flowers tended by the city's gardeners. A few people were there, including groups of children who had come to buy pancakes or ice cream, despite the cold season. Sitting under a white umbrella at one of the many tables of the local pizzeria, Sylvania was waiting patiently, her phone in hand. She had let her long red hair down, was wearing a white dress with blue polka dots and a small silver necklace and a pair of simple earrings of the same complexion. When she saw Malden, she waved at him.

- Hi! How are you? I'm so hungry! I've already reserved a table for the two of us, so what should we order? Asked she, cheerful.

- I'll probably have a salad with a slice of pizza. I'm not very hungry, but it'll do for me!

- Are you sure you'll have enough energy to listen to my news and convince me to join your group if you don't eat enough? She joked.

- Don't worry about it. I want you to join us enough, I don't need a pizza to help me!

After they had actually placed their order, the two young people ate together and talked about the rain and the weather. Malden admired the way Sylvania spoke about her extracurricular activities, but also her involvement in various social struggles. She was already very active on Signold - a well-known social network on Elzetarân - and shared many videos about animal causes and ecology. Sylvania already seemed to be a big shot and followed very closely the actions of the Renovators' Guild. It was a group of atmologists and adventurers of all kinds, formed several decades ago. They were in charge of monitoring the development of the ecosystems and biomes of Elzetari after certain confrontations, whose damage could have seriously damaged various places and destroyed the fauna, as well as the flora.

Time passed without them noticing. Soon enough, they finished their meal and went to Sylvania. Coming from a well-to-do family, they lived in a large residence where the richest inhabitants of Lausanne were to be found. The mayor, Oscar Fanghël, lived nearby with his wife and son. Malden was always impressed when he set foot in Sylvania's house: everything was always so clean! The living room seemed huge and everything he saw seemed to be priceless. The marble walls of a very light and sober

grey were decorated with paintings showing fantastic scenes. One could see atmological warriors fighting carniocs and wild creatures in the skies, unleashing various elemental forces.

- Every time you come over, you can't help but leave your eyes glued to the picture in the living room. You know I'm going to end up asking my mom if I can give it to you, right?

Malden flinched and blushed. He had never realized how much these paintings could absorb him. The idea that he might be seen to be lusting after them embarrassed him.

- Oh no, not at all! It's just... I really wish I had a talent like that. You know, I see how well the color scheme is mastered, it drives me crazy! There is the light, so well reflected, and the contrast between the atmos used by the fighters on the painting, the expression of pain on the creatures, and even the effects of the wind that blows even though we don't see it. It's beautiful. Every time I see it, I feel like it's the first one.

- I think it was Cleora Stolteïska who made this painting. I would have to see it again with my mother. And it seems to me that she is still alive. Maybe one day, if you meet her, you can ask her how she did it?

Malden's eyes seemed to light up. He began to do some research on his cell phone and found more of the painter's work.

- Wow, she's so good... If I met her, I wouldn't even know how to ask her questions. Well, anyway, I'll deal with that when I get home. For now, I have someone else talented to admire on her compositions, right?

- Don't overdo it! I'm just getting by on my mom's classes when it comes to reproducing classics. For my creations, it remains to be seen... I'm not very comfortable with the idea of doing new things, that go out of the box, I'm afraid it won't be very pleasant to the ear, also because...

- Hey, Sylva! he interrupted her. It's not serious, you have to try in life. Let me listen!

- But if you think it's ugly, you probably won't want me in your group.

- Does this mean that you want to join our group so badly that I don't actually need to convince you?

She hiccupped with surprise and put her hands in front of her mouth. Sylvania had tricked herself. She was more interested in the idea of being part of this music group that was forming than anything else, but she didn't want it to be so obvious. She would still be seen as the girl with no friends, who craved acceptance from others.

- It's true," she sighed. Well, enough wasted time. Sit down on the couch. I'll play you this little piece. I was inspired by "rocking horse" by "Etolica. ».

Without adding a word, Malden settled comfortably on the black velvet sofa. Sylvania took her turn on the small purple seat where she sat to play the piano. She had her back to him, slowly positioning her fingers on the keys. The girl took a deep breath before starting to play the first notes of her composition. The start was awkward but soon she gained confidence and began to play with more assurance. The notes flowed together with a certain smoothness.

To Malden, it was as if a beautiful story was being told. He was so impressed by her dexterity that he wanted to get closer to her to better admire her performance. However, for fear of distracting her, he preferred to stay behind and come without making any noise. She was in front of the large window, giving on a great part of the city. He admired the view as he listened to the soft melody played by his friend, while he imagined how these notes would blend with Teano's expertise on the guitar, Kieran's voice and his drumming.

The listening went on for almost three minutes, during which time Malden was totally transported. He found himself re-admiring the painting by Cleora Stolteïska that hung on the living room wall. This creation and Sylvania's composition went so well together that he imagined one day he would be a painter of masterpieces and she a professional pianist, creating melodies around his world-renowned paintings. An exciting future, from which he exited as soon as Sylvania gave the last note of her essay. A few seconds were necessary for her to come back to reality. She took again a big inspiration, then she got up and turned slowly towards her friend. The window was left open, and a cold breeze crossed the room and shook her long dress as well as her hair. An image that stuck in Malden's mind and he swore to himself that he would paint this scene.

- There, now you know my little music. I know it's probably too soft for what you're doing, but it's the best I have in stock right now.

- Sylvania, it's really beautiful. It's probably silly and simple as an opinion, but I don't know what else to add... Then, I don't play the piano, so I imagine that there are things to be revised, it's possible. But anyway, I really liked it. You know Kieran, he likes it when it moves a little bit more, but then Teano will be over the moon, you can believe me!

- Do you think so? She asked hesitantly, as she nervously played with her fingers.

- I don't think so: I know so! Will you show me some other things? Songs you learned with your mother for example, maybe we could rework some of them and see how to create other songs together from that!

- It's a good idea. So, let's see...

All afternoon long, Sylvania and Malden discussed and studied in detail different compositions, some of which they took care to select to present to Malden and Teano. Gradually, more than his ambiguous attraction to Sylvania, it was his passion for art and music that took over. He was very curious and concentrated in these tasks, as she was too.

Since the time for him to be reunited with his family was fast approaching, Malden prepared to leave to avoid being late. But just before he left, Sylvania received a phone call that seemed to puzzle her.

- An unexpected call? he asked.

- Well... It's Annabelle. You know, the girl in Sara's class.

He looked at her with a puzzled look.

- Maybe it's her mother calling? I think she works with yours, right?

- Not anymore. They kept in touch but... Well, wait. "Hello?" She says.

"Yes, Sylvania? It's Annabelle. Sorry, we haven't talked in a while, but I've been trying to reach Sara and even her brother but no one answers! »

"No worries Anna. But do you need anything? »

"This will probably sound weird to you, but my grandfather came back from a long trip a few days ago. And you'll never guess: he brought back with him a Phelidus Tenebris! »

As Sylvania turned on the speaker phone, Malden also heard the news. He struggled to keep his astonishment from being heard. The Pelidus, whatever their nature, were extremely powerful creatures and known to be dangerous.

"A Phelidus? " Sylvania repeated, worried. "It's still very dangerous! Do the authorities know that this creature is here, in Lausya? What do you want us to do for you? »

"She's dying and has little ones... six to be exact. That's a bit long, and I don't have much time. Listen, I wish you could come to my house together as soon as possible, you and Sara and the others. Grandpa will be there, he'll be able to explain. »

"I... well, okay Annabelle. I hope it's nothing serious anyway. I'll see what I can do to keep them updated and get back to you! »

"Thank you Sylva! »

She hung up her phone and looked at Malden, stunned.

- A Pelidus with babies... How often do you hear such stories?

- Even the participants of "War of the Alvists" don't have Pelidus! Malden added. The thing I remember is that his grandfather must be really good. Renyu says you can only find them at Failghost Manor. And do you know what they say about that manor?

- Yeah, that it's haunted or something... We'll talk about it again, I should let you go before your mom gives you a hard time for being late. It's already a miracle my mom wasn't there today and we got to see each other, might as well not ruin the end of the day!

- You're right, I'm leaving. I forgot one thing! I think you're meeting Teano later on, right?

- Yes, and he has to spend the night at Renyu's house right after.

- You can tell him that I did some research the other day, and I found a luthier that might be of interest to him, since he wanted to try his hand at the electric guitar.

With that, Malden and Sylvania parted ways. He walked through the spacious corridors of the building before finding himself outside, taken by the temperature which seemed to have dropped a few degrees compared to the early afternoon. Happy with this exciting afternoon, he then thought about what he would learn when he arrived at the hospital with his family. If Melva remembered him, at least for a few seconds during the visit, nothing could make him happier. But Malden refused to deny it. With his headphones in, he shuffled along, his imagination conjuring up the worst scenarios about his sister's shattered memory. His mood wavered again.

When he arrived home, his parents were getting ready to leave. Sawako was already ready, a long dark blue leather coat on her back and her black hair done up in a neat bun. Aware of her brother's difficulty in dealing with this situation, she simply patted him on the shoulder and gave him a hug.

- Don't worry Maldou, she'll remember us one day. The more we go to see her, the more it will help her.

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