#i made this for myself but figured i’d share in case it’s helpful to anyone else

[calmlb]

Soukoku Height Difference —Reference

for any fic writers or artists who need it, here’s a reference for skk’s height difference at 15, 16 (according to dead apple), & 22

[writersdrug]

Ghost x Konig x Reader: I Don't Need You (Ch. 6)

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Summary: You (surprisingly) get more comfortable with Kortac, and slowly let yourself connect with the team. You subconsciously tether yourself to Konig, who is more than willing to help you fit in. The pain of the past begins to fade into the back of your mind like the end of a long chapter of your life.

Additionally, Konig starts asking the hard questions - it unearths a piece of you that you'd hoped would remain buried, but you still share the memories with Konig.

Chapter warnings: Mentions of violence, mentions of rape, cursing, google translate German, shirtless Soap, very EXTREMELY watered-down mentions of sexual themes (we ain't there yet, boiis)

Notes: Sorry it took so long, I've got a lot cooking in the kitchen now and I'm hoping to pump out a lot this week!

Additionally, I've had some comments on this work not being an x Reader. First off, I never want to mislead anyone. I label this as an x Reader because Bonnie is not an OC of mine. I've seen other x Reader fics include callsigns that refer to the reader, so I assumed using Bonnie similarly would be alright. I also mentioned a name ONCE in chapter 3, "Jane Morris," which I thought to be a very generic name, and I haven't used it since and don't plan to. I have a personal preference of writing longer, chapter-by-chapter fics in first POV because it feels more natural to me than second POV. The same goes for using y/n - I like to avoid it if I can because it feels unnatural.

Again, those last two thing are a personal preference. I'm not bashing any fics that use these things at all, I enjoy both ones that do and ones that don't, and I don't enjoy one over the other. When I say one feels more natural than the other, I mean it feels more natural to write, not to read. I'm debating changing the name I used in chapter 3 to just y/n l/n to make this a true x Reader. If you still feel like I should change this to an x OC please let me know and I'll be happy to adjust the tags, titles, and descriptions. Again, I never meant to be misleading, and I hope I didn't make anyone angry. If a mistake has been made I am happy to learn from it. Thanks!

Konig had cracked the code on me. He figured out that after a case of American beers and a long drive, away from the crowd of new faces, my outer shell began to soften.

There was still a wall that I was holding up between me and everyone else, even though it was significantly smaller than usual. When Roze and Castillo approached me at breakfast, I didn’t get up and leave. And when Juno used the empty spot in the gym room right next to me, dropping his bag on the floor and giving me a cautious glance as he set up for his routine - I didn’t grab my things and move to the other end of the room. That was my first instinct, but I fought it. Instead I huffed, facing the mirror in front of me and focusing on my sets.

I’d started going to the common area more often – maybe not every night, but often enough. We’d make it a habit to play poker on the nights I did show up. I was better than most of the group, since none of them were quite used to my mannerisms yet. However, Konig and Horangi still took the lead as the winners, despite most of us arguing that they shouldn’t be allowed to play if they were going to wear their masks. The argument would eventually turn into a casual conversation – I didn’t engage in it too often. I preferred to sit and listen, using the time to slowly learn more about the team. I typically planted myself between Roze and Konig, keeping my legs crossed on the seat and nervously fiddling with my Yuengling bottle.

Although I was ashamed to admit it, Konig had become a conduit for my interactions with the rest of the team. The way he engaged with their activities, yet still managed to stay reserved, struck a chord with me. I respected the fact that it could sometimes be difficult to find him on base, and that at the same time, he was always there when I started to feel overwhelmed. I didn’t need him, no… that was a stretch. But sometimes I felt grateful that he was so eager to accompany me places – especially when he invited me to go on “perimeter checks” with him, which mostly consisted of long drives off base.

I don’t know how I had grown to appreciate him so much – maybe it was because he felt similar to me, in the way that we both needed our alone time, and with how we often found ourselves slipping out of the common area around the same time, with the original excuse being that we were tired. Half of the time, we would sit in the mess hall and talk until the early hours of the morning.

“A sniper?” I asked on one particular night, fiddling with the mouth of my beer bottle. “You’re way to big for that – no offense.”

Konig chuckled. “And that’s what they initially told me.” He took a swig of his (nasty) German beer. “But, despite being handed other opportunities, I proved them wrong. I’m sill a damn good sniper.”

I huffed. “Nah, you should be happy you got promoted to Colonel; you’re lucky, you get to avoid being in the trenches – at least, as much as the rest of us.”

“Lucky? No…” Konig said, shaking his head. “I do not like being a Colonel. I’d much rather be doing the dirty work of soldiers than writing these stupid reports.” He slapped a large hand over the manilla folder that sat on the table next to his beer. “It keeps my head busy, and I don’t have to listen to myself think.”

I nodded while sipping my beer. “I completely get that – If I’m not actively doing something with my hands, my brain gets too loud. Like – like there’s a mini me in my head, and the only way to drown her out is by physically doing something. Anything, really.”

Konig laughed – almost a snort – “‘A mini you’. I like that, that’s good.”

I huffed a laugh through my nose, turning my head to hide the smirk on my face. Despite being a large, brutish man, he had a youthful essence about him. It was hidden deep beneath the thick exterior of a war-hardened soldier. But, every now and again, it rose to the surface, touching a part of my soul I hadn’t allowed to be seen in a long time.

I pushed my stack of bills into the middle of the table. “All in.” I said nonchalantly.

Gaz narrowed his eyes, leaning back in his chair and looking down his nose at me. “You’re bloody stupid…”

“Or really smart.” I retorted. I folded my arms over my chest, not wavering under his intimidating gaze.

It was unbearably hot in the room – whether that was from the tension of the game or the broken air conditioner (Price eternally insisted it would be fixed, “… by next week…”), I didn’t know. I was donned in my sweatpants and sports bra, Gaz was in a wife beater and sweats, Ghost was covered head to toe in a sweatshirt and jeans (one could ever rarely catch him wearing anything less), and Soap… well, Soap was Soap. Completely shirtless, with only a pair of gym shorts on. Typical for him to be so shameless.

Ghost looked at his cards, his jaw clearly tense underneath his mask. He wasn’t very good at hiding his unlucky hand – it was almost like he wasn’t even trying. Which was a possibility.

“Fucking hell… I fold.” He tossed his hand onto the table, revealing his sour bunch of cards. He walked to the fridge and cursed under his breath, rummaging through the contents.

“Jesus, you’re a load of dry shite.” Soap commented, leaning against the wall adjacent to Ghost. “You could’ve at least tried to intimidate ‘em.”

“You could try shutting your fucking mouth, alright?” Ghost snapped back. Soap raised his hands defensively, leaving Ghost by the fridge.

He flopped onto the couch near me and Gaz. “Miserable sap…”

I did my best to tune out their bickering. I stared down Gaz, tapping my fingers on the edges of my cards. I was relying on the river card – I had a chance at a four-of-a-kind, praying the last card on the table would be another seven.. It was risky, and Gaz was probably right in calling me stupid. But I was never one to back down from a challenge. I craved the thrill of it. Most of the time, I ended up getting lucky.

Gaz chewed his lip. He cocked an eyebrow, slowly pushing all of his cash to the middle of the table. “Call.” He said.

And I heard it – the telltale sign of his bluff. A fraction of a second where his voice had waivered, followed by him grinding his jaw. I knew I had it in the bag.

I was savoring the moment of triumph, watching Gaz stare at his cards, when I felt a hand on my back. I nearly spun around and yelled at whoever touched me, until I saw a gloved hand place a Yuengling bottle to my right, the lid already popped off. I faltered, staring at the bottle, feeling the hand on my back rubbing a thumb back and forth over my spine.

I glanced behind me, looking up to meet Ghost’s eyes. He was looking down at me with an empty gaze. His eyebrows twitched for a brief moment as he continued rubbing his thumb over the skin of my back.

I knew what he was suggesting. What he was asking. Put a woman on a compound with broken, touch-starved men, and eventually one of them will succumb to the temptation. Even so, I was shocked that it was Ghost. I would say he was showing a weakness here, no matter what he decided to call this – it was an admission that he needed something – something from me, specifically – which I never thought would happen.

He continued staring at me for another few moments, waiting for an answer. Keeping my eyes locked on him, I took the bottle and drank; my reply. He gave the tiniest nod, walking away and sitting down next to Soap – who was shuffling the remaining deck of cards, eyes narrowed at Gaz. He knew he was bluffing too.

I turned back to Gaz, smirking as he revealed the river card.

“You ever think about what you would say to those kids now?” I asked, tapping my beer bottle. “The ones who bullied you.”

Konig hummed. “Mm… not really. I don’t hold too much resentment.”

I chuckled. “If only we could all be a saint.”

“Well, it all happened so long ago.” Konig tried to justify himself. “We were only kids, bored and trying to stay on the surface. They just wanted to look tough so that no one would pick on them. Of course, I wouldn’t understand that as a kid. Maybe then, I would have admired what I’ve become, and I would have wanted to boast about it. But now that I am a Colonel – Ich habe besseres zu tun.”

I sarcastically rolled my eyes. “And that means?”

“Ehh…” he groaned, squinting his eyes. “How is it said… ‘I have bigger fishes to cook.’”

I sputtered, turning my head and laughing. Konig glared at me. “Gibt es ein Problem?” he asked, which I sort of understood. He sounded irritated, that much I could tell.

“No, Konig…” I said, standing up and giving him a pat on the shoulder as I walked by. “Just keep up the English lessons, ok?”

He scowled. “Verpiss dich… Start learning German and maybe I will.” He retorted, and I waved at him dismissively from behind my back.

I stuck my head into the fridge, grabbing a Yuengling and one of Konig’s beers. I walked back and placed them both next to him. Like instinct, he took each one and hooked their lid onto the edge of the table, then smacked the side of his hand down on the tops, sending the lid clattering to the ground. He opened my beer and handed it to me, then repeated the process with his, before reaching down and collecting the lids. He added them to the pile, totaling six beer lids so far.

If someone had shown me this image a year ago – Konig and I, sitting up late into the night, chatting like we’d known each other for decades… not to mention the fact that I was so unusually open with him… I would have been insulted. I would have laughed. No one would have been able to convince me that I would become so attached to anyone else after what had happened with the 141. Yet, all of this felt so natural. It was beyond how I felt that Konig and I were kindred spirits… it really did feel like I’d known him before. Maybe, he reminded me of a part of myself that I tried to bury away.

Or, maybe, I was just submitting to loneliness and trying to justify how quickly I clung to the first available soul. That was also an embarrassing possibility, one that I would rather not admit to.

“I have a question for you.” Konig’s voice and the clink of his beer bottle on the table brought me back to reality.

“I might have an answer.” I replied.

He looked off to the side, perhaps wondering whether or not he really wanted to ask the question. “Who did you kill? And why?”

Just like that, I felt the walls being built right back to where I had them. Bonding time’s over. Back to square one.

His inquiry caught me off guard. I froze, my bottle hovering in the air before I could take a sip, my eyes glued to the table. Just the mention of the incident brought the painful memories up to the surface, like claws scraping at the dirt, digging up the deepest roots.

“Lots of people.” I said, deflecting. I took a swig of my beer.

“You know what I mean.” He scoffed. “Why did you end up in military prison?” He leaned over the table – clearly not planning on letting the topic go.

I sucked my teeth, staring at him defiantly – moments ago, it was pleasant talking to him. Now, I was fighting back the urge to leave him at the table and go to my dorm. I felt ambushed at how he had changed the subject so abruptly. Like he had been waiting for me to carelessly stumble into the trap, and now he was watching me snarl from within it.

He leaned back with a sigh. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I just thought we were getting somewhere here.”

“Oh?” I said dryly, cocking an eyebrow. “’Getting somewhere?’ What’s that sup-“

“Hey, it’s ok.” He raised his hands defensively. “I get it. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” His words were forgiving, but his eyes said something else – I knew what he was thinking.

Weak.

I gave him a hateful stare. Fucker know how to play his cards.

“I killed a sergeant.” I admitted. “My lieutenant’s right-hand man.”

That got Konig’s attention. He leaned forward again, putting his bottle off to the side. “Why?” he asked again.

I inhaled deeply, then exhaled, as I leaned back in my chair. My eyes fell to the floor as I forced myself to recall the memories. “In Egypt, a while back. Don’t ask when because I won’t tell you.” I warned Konig, and he huffed – but obliged.

I continued. “We were going in to retrieve a hostile target. Everyone was jumpy – me included. It was dark, and we didn’t know what to expect. After the hostiles started to engage, we were scattered. I got stuck in one tower, so I went upstairs to try and make a foxhole.”

I paused. It was now my own hands, covered in dirt, clawing at the roots of the memory. Each word I said was painful, yet somehow felt overshared. Like I was trying to get Konig to pity me. Except I wasn’t – I just wanted him to listen.

And that’s exactly what he did. No comforting shoulder pat, no soothing words… he just listened. He knew that if he stepped on the wrong spot, it would break my openness, like a branch breaking under his foot would disturb the silence of the woods.

“The sergeant – ‘Flare’ – he was up there, too. I thought we’d had the same idea, but… holy fuck…” I ran a hand down my face, feeling my heartbeat grow faster. “At first, I didn’t know what he was doing, I just heard him making those sounds and I thought he’d been hit, but… he was taking advantage of this – this woman – and with her kids right fucking there… she was probably just trying to hide, to hide them, she had to be so fucking scared… he didn’t even stop when I found him, I don’t know if he even heard me screaming at him.”

I paused, almost waiting for Konig to say or do something, but he remained silent. Despite my eyes never leaving the floor, I could see his blue ones watching me carefully. Concerned, patient, and calm.

“I didn’t know what else to do.” I said, my voice faltering the slightest bit. “So I shot him. In the head.” I unintentionally shivered. “Probably traumatized that poor woman and her kids, but… quick decisions aren’t the best ones.”

I ended my rant with a heavy sip of my beer. Konig continued watching me with wary eyes, which I ignored. I didn’t need consolation, or sympathy, or whatever he might try to offer. Somehow, he seemed to understand that.

“I would have done the same thing.” He commented.

Would you?

After a moment, he exhaled. “I don’t understand… I’d say you were in the right. Why did they put you in prison for that?”

I chewed my lip. “There was… some speculation, that I was jealous of his position. We’d been close throughout my time with the team, and when he got the promotion to second-in-command, I was a bit envious at first. People thought I was taking my anger out on him in what seemed like the perfect opportunity to lie.” I took another sip. “But I was happy for him. He worked hard, and he deserved it. But then the pressure got to him – Lieutenant was always depending on him for too much, and Flare couldn’t handle the responsibility. If he slipped up, it was a lot worse than if one of the rest of us did. I guess… the pressure is what got him in the end. Made him crazy in the end. He didn’t have any morals anymore.”

More silence. It felt uncomfortably loud – Konig’s stare seemed to make my head ring, making me fidget and bounce my knee. I wanted to snap at him. What are you looking at? Why are you asking so many fucking questions? But I was able to keep my anger at bay, justifying the situation by assuming his questions were fueled by nothing more than curiosity.

I figured I had said enough for the night, and finished off the rest of my beer. I slapped my leg, the telltale sign that I was getting ready to turn in.

Konig ignored it, or seemed to not notice. “Why did you kill him?” he asked.

I narrowed my eyes in confusion. “Why did I? What do you mean?”

“Why kill him? Why not just… disable him for the moment, and let your commander deal with him later?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but my voice was a second too late. “Again… in the heat of the moment, you don’t make distinctions like that. You think: ‘shoot,’ or ‘don’t shoot.’ And shooting him was the choice I made.”

Konig’s gaze became scrutinous. He knew I was lying about something… he was hellbent on figuring out what.

He’s going to have to wait a long damn time.

“Goodnight, Konig.” I said flatly. I collected my bottles, getting up from the table. With a clang, I tossed them into the bin by the exit, walking down the hall and leaving Konig sitting alone in the mess hall. I feel tears stinging my eyes, but that’s all they did. It’s all just water under the bridge, y/n. Get it together. You’re alright.

-----

Taglist: @igotmajordaddyissues @princekonig @vixionix

[potatowoogan]

My Options On a WH Hospital AU?

Soo I just wanted to make this AU rant. I've seen a couple hospital/doctor AUs of WH and as someone who has been in and out of a hospital I better understand a lot of the roles Doctors, Nurses, CNA’s (according to google CNA stands for Certified Nursing Assistant) Ect.

I just wanna note for anyone who doesn’t know, that I didn’t come up with the original idea of making a hospital AU. Until I find out who made the first one to make the Hospital AU I will leave the credits to the original AU maker unknown as I truly don’t know who did do it but if ya know please let me know.

Some context

So a little context to better understand this version of this AU not everyone is a hospital staff member like in the other hospital AUs. You and or your ocs or the WH characters can literally just be existent in the AU as serving no serious purpose to the story (if you’d like to place yourself or an Oc into the AU you can comment what you/oc would play a role in I’d like to see what ya come up with).

Wally:

I have seen Wally be out as more so a director/doctor Also known as the Chief of medicine in the hospitals I have gone to (or can be known as the Medical Director depending on what ya call it at your hospital ya go to).

personality I just don’t see Wally as being a doctor, but if ya really wanted him on the team as one of the main medical staff then I’d see him more as a CNA. Anyways only because if we were to go off the cannon way that he understands stuff, he could help in assistance with nursing stuff. And not have it be souly on him to figure out all of the solutions to the problems, and instead he’d have a lot of guidance while being there to help. Also because is more less demanding role I’d say he would fit better in a hospital story as a CNA. That’s what I have him as in my personal hospital AU aka personal as in its in my head not on paper (the one I am kinda sharing a little of rn I guess, though I won’t share a lot as it’s more so one that I’ll keep to myself for now). Cause if we were to go based off of the cannon attributes that he displays it would match him because they don’t do as much as a full time nurse but still can help people (and or puppets in this case).

So Yeah I think that would fit him, especially in the children's ward or the general inpatient stay floor, definitely NOT the ICU where I go when I need to go to the hospital. Form what I know that’s one of the busiest floors

CNA Explained (For those who needs it)

According to Google’s description of a CNA with a little bit of my input. it’s an Entry-level role the providers for patients and nurses and can help in transfer of a patient (for those who don’t know what I am referring to when I say transfer, that’s when a patient arrives form an ambulance and can’t move themselves from the stretcher to the hospital bed), bathing help usually done with a nurse as well (or do form my experience that’s my understanding), feeding the patients. And also restocking the medical storage closet rooms and logging down patients information and history)

Julie & Barnaby (what I see them as)

As I mentioned I have spent a lot of time in a hospital. A good member/role of the staff that have seemed to help me get through stuff are Child Life/Volunteers. They help kids greatly with distractions like playing games that the child/children choses (lol ya kinda see where this is heading but for real that’s what the Child Life’s job entails)

Julie was portrayed as a nurse in a lot of the AUs and as for Barnaby I don’t know because I haven’t gotten that far into knowing the hospital AUd too much (as info on a lot of them is limited but, I would like to know so if ya have known about a hospital Au post or make one of your own ya can link it or send me the post) anyways I’d see those two working as a Child Life specialist because they are into games and support kids ect. Also I’d see Barnaby as the Head of the Child Life team as he can keep a conversation more straight than Julie but either way I’d see them as being on that team more that the main medical staff also Wally could go there too but yea either works for your mind and opinion.

Howdy, Eddie, Poppy, & Sally:

Personally again, I don’t see em as being on a medical staff team whatsoever. so they’d just merely exist and serve no purpose like explained above. And also I don't know what role would be good for them if ya did put em in (what roles would ya have em in and why?).

Frank:

Yes the Grumpy Man’s himself lol. If ya were to have him as any doctor in a hospital AU and or your Hospital AU then I’d see him as being an anesthesiologist (in a children's Ward mainly though can see some adults if that’s what ya wish to have in mind) and here’s why. The patients would be put to sleep anyways so he wouldn’t need to chat with people too much. Ya can through his grumpiness and sternness and he’s still kind hearted on the inside (a tough but caring for patients surgeon vibes though I absolutely don’t see him as a surgeon but what do ya think? Would you have him as a surgeon in your AU? And or see him as being one in a hospital AU?). I feel like for kid patients he’d be more explanatory towards them if they need to. Also with the professionalism he has the potential to have (at almost any career in almost any AU) he would probably stick up for what’s right for the kiddos/patients.

I might draw a little sketch of Frank in bug scrubs soon so Yee I’ll post that whenever I’m ready.

Ya can reblog or whatever. If ya do take inspiration off of this AU I don’t care about credits as idk how to explain it but I don’t necessarily feel the most comfortable being an AU creator I just wanted to put my thoughts out there.

Also I will probably add in the other characters at some point (Seeya and Latter as they were in this AU dream of mind but I don’t really feel ready to share)

(As y’all know) WH is owned by Clown :)

[victorluvsalice]

WIP Word Game

I was tagged in this by @dont-offend-the-bees in this post -- thanks for thinking of me, Newt!

Rules: You will be given a word. Share one sentence/excerpt from your WIP(s) that start with each letter of that word. Word assigned by Newt: BITES

Because I'm a rebel, I'm going to do a bit from both my current WIP "Londerland Bloodlines: Downtown Queensland" and my just-finished-posting-today Valicer In The Dark story "Start At The Beginning...Sort Of" --

B

LB:DQ -- Briefcase Guy nodded, trembling. “What – what if their case is full of newspaper?” he got out after a second.

“Then at least we get to watch your illiterate ass try to read it later for laughs,” the leader spat, giving him a shove. “I know they got the goods. Just don’t ass it up, or they’re gonna kill the lot of us. Now get ready, it’s going down soon.”

SATBSO -- “By practicing my v-vows down the wrong alley,” Victor replied, worrying his bottom lip. “I – oh dear…” He grabbed his spoon and had a couple of fortifying sips of soup. “It’s like this – I’m due to be w-wed to the daughter of Lord and Lady Everglot, courtesy of my parents. We had the r-rehearsal today, and I was such a n-nervous wreck I couldn’t recall my lines at all. Pastor Galswells, our officiant, finally lost all patience with me after one too many mistakes, and b-banished me until I’d learned my vows. D-desperate to get them right, I ended up roaming Brightstone at random, repeating them to myself to try and get them straight in my head. I finally said them perfectly in an old forgotten side street overlooking one of the canals…and the moment I finished, a g-glowing blue figure in a w-wedding dress burst from the water, declaring ‘I do.’ I s-screamed and ran, but she managed to c-corner me on a nearby bridge and tried to k-kiss me. I fainted when her lips touched mine, and w-when I woke up, I was…” He waved his spoon in the air, as if trying to capture the enormity of the experience. “On the w-wrong side of the veil.”

I

LB:DQ -- “Indeed – or you could avoid the issue entirely,” Cheshire said, floating his smile over to another ladder on the wall in the darkened bay, just barely visible in the gloom. “I’m sure Rabbit would approve of you taking a shortcut, especially in order to avoid detection by anything that might try to stomp you.”

“I’ve apologized for that!” Hatter put in. “And made him that new watch!”

“It was the least you could do,” Rabbit said, paws on hips.

SATBSO -- “I don’t know – I don’t think so,” Victor said, letting his hands drop. “But you’re right, it is very hard to tell time in the ghost field…I’m sorry too, Emily,” he continued in a quieter voice. “I – I shouldn’t have lied to you about w-wanting to see my parents. I should have tried to explain better what was really wrong. But I – I didn’t have the words, and I was so scared and hungry and cold, and…” He sighed heavily, pressing his fingers against his forehead. “And absolutely nothing today has gone according to plan.”

“I know the feeling.” Emily perked up, a hesitant smile tugging at her lips. “But – but we can still make this work, right? We can alternate which side of the field we’re on day by day, so you can still eat and drink and not have to worry! We can even find a nice place to set up house together – one that’s in good shape in both my world and yours!”

“I think anyone who sees you two house-shopping is going to call the Spirit Wardens on you,” Alice couldn’t help saying.

T

LB:DQ -- “True,” Alice nodded. “Which reminds me – at some point tonight, I need to drop in on a certain Sean Milton. I don’t know how much honor there really is among thieves, but hopefully he has very little and will be willing to give up Muddy without a fight.”

“We’ll see on that front – and back, come to think of it,” Cheshire remarked, tail swaying as he kept pace. “But one side-quest at a time.”

SATBSO -- The gondolier gave Emily, floating near the prow, a significant look. “They always go up when the dead are involved.”

“I haven’t done anything,” Emily said, tone sulky and sparks crackling along the edge of her veil.

“And don’t start now,” the gondolier warned, frowning. “I may not be a Warden, but every one of us has got a bit of the Whisper about us. I know how to handle you lot.”

E

LB:DQ -- “Even better – they’re real robots! Well, sort of. . .” Victor popped open a bin and picked out a blue butterfly at random, showing her a block with some buttons on the – thorax, she believed it was called. “They each come with a ‘brain block’ like this where you can input simple commands. Obviously I can’t get any of them to fly – though I’ve always hoped – but I can get them to flap their wings if I shine a light on them, or follow a light being held in front of them – even play with a ball.”

“Neat,” Alice said, grinning. “You’ll have to show me later.”

SATBSO -- Emily went still, a frozen figure in tattered blue. Then she rushed forward at a speed no living human could have ever managed, face contorted in pure fury. Barkis yelped and tried to get out of the way, but she managed to clamp one spectral hand around his arm –

And, suddenly, she wasn’t there anymore. A split-second later, Barkis bent double, shrieking. “What – stop! No!”

“Yes!” came Emily’s voice – from Barkis’s own lips. Alice stared as he straightened up, wobbling like he was unused to controlling his own body. “The knife dropped from his fingers with a clatter. “You’re mine now, Eddie!”

S

LB:DQ -- She got to the bottom of the slope and looked around. While the layout was roughly the same, the entrance to level two was noticeably darker, thanks to a busted light fixture in the nearest “compact” bay. It also had different guards – two fellows who looked to be Chinese, dressed in matching burgundy jackets and wielding machine guns. One jerked his head around as she snuck closer, causing her to freeze out of habit. “It’s too quiet,” he said after a moment, shaking his head. “I-I don’t like this – this place. At night it seems so – haunted.”

SATBSO -- Smiler sorted and pointed at their eyes, brilliant yellow in their pale face. “What, do you think I was born with these?”

“...actually, it has genuinely never occurred to me to question why your eyes are bright glowing yellow before now,” Alice confessed, cheeks heating up with embarrassment. “They just seemed – completely natural on you.”

“I – I mean, I noticed, but – given everything else that was going on, they – didn’t really register as that weird?” Victor admitted, also going pink. “Alice is right, they do suit you...I sort of thought they might be a side effect of that Joy Serum you showed me before, since you said you make it yourself.”

Tagging: @nebbychan, @thesatiricaldemon, @anonymoose-au, @ace-of-tales -- the word I'm picking is TIMES!

[direwombat]

wip wursday...

Tagged this week by @inafieldofdaisies and @g0dspeeed

Tagging @socially-awkward-skeleton, @strafethesesinners, @strangefable , @detectivelokis , @sstewyhosseini , @poetikat , @schoute , @confidentandgood , @aceghosts , @fourlittleseedlings , @adelaidedrubman , @henbased , @purplehairsecretlair , @wrathfulrook , @inquisitors-grave , @trench-rot , @gaeadene , @locustandwildhoney , @jacobseed , @river-ward , @roofgeese , @cassietrn , @neverthesameneveranother , @sukoshimikan , @deputyash , @harmonyowl , @voidika , @vampireninjabunnies-blog , @madparadoxum , @euryalex , @clonesupport , @ivymarquis and anyone else who has something they want to share!

Been having jerome and syb on the brain recently and I love writing their philosophical conversations so here's a bit of that from what will likely be ch. 10 of katc

“I can’t say I’ve ever conducted a Confession the way you’re used to,” Jerome says, and he takes a seat next to her on a pew. “But I do consider myself a good listener. Whatever’s bothering you, I promise not a word of it will leave this church.”

“It’s a kind offer, Pastor, but I don’t wanna burden you,” Sybille says. “Y’got ‘nuff shit goin’ on. Ain’t need to toss my problems on top.”

“I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of why I do what I do, Deputy,” Jerome chuckles. “People come here seeking guidance or aid, and it’s my job to help them. You seem troubled. Let me help you.”

She scoffs and shakes her head. “What do you want me to say, hm? ‘Forgive me Father for I have sinned, it’s been thirteen years since my last confession, hope y’aint got no other appointments ‘cause we’re gonna be here a while’?” she says harshly. “And then, what? Once I’m done talkin’ I just walk away with a clean slate?” She shakes her head. “Might work that way when you’re a kid stealin’ bites of mama’s pie before dinner, but you done the shit I’ve done? It ain’t that easy to wash your hands.”

“Oftentimes knowing that at least one person has forgiven you makes it easier to forgive yourself,” Jerome says gently. “And God is nothing if not forgiving.”

Or wrathful, she thinks bitterly, and she shakes her head. “That ain’t the point though.”

“What is, then?”

She sighs heavily, shaking her head and drawing her lip between her teeth. Her knee bounces vigorously in front of her. “My sin’s a part of me. Made me who I am. Without it I’m…” she hesitates and shakes her head. “It’s my burden to bear. Ain’t no one else can carry it for me.”

“Makes for a heavy soul, doesn’t it?” Jerome asks.

Sybille shrugs. “Figure when my time comes, it’ll drag me down where I belong. Just a shame that once that happens I ain’t ever gonna see my mama again. Or my brother for that matter.”

Jerome’s brows furrow thoughtfully, and although his mouth is set in a frown, he nods in sympathy. “What makes you so certain God would grant them Heaven but not you?”

She fidgets with the saint medal around her neck. “They’re good people,” she says quietly. “Kind. Selfless.”

“And you aren’t?” Jerome asks.

Sybille smiles wryly. “They are -- well, was in my mama's case -- because I ain’t,” she says. “They deserve God’s love more than I do.”

“I’d argue the contrary, Deputy,” Jerome says. “The ones who consider themselves irredeemable sinners are usually the ones that deserve God’s love the most. Do you doubt His love for you?”

She shakes her head. “I ain’t got no doubts about God’s love, Pastor. I just think that the Devil might love me more.”

“And what makes you say that?”

Because my body is a cage and I have Hell inside me, she thinks. Because if I ain’t careful, it’ll break free and innocent people are gonna get hurt. Because the only time I feel anythin’ is when I see the light leave someone’s eyes, and it feels fuckin’ good.

She shrugs but doesn’t answer.

[itneedsmoregays]

Hello, I wanted to ask you a question about cupioromanticisim. I'm also autistic and lately I have been thinking I may be somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum. I'm a trans-lesbian woman, and I have yet to ever date or even kiss someone. I haven't ever had a crush before either. How did you realize you were cupioromantic?

Well in my case, it was quite a few things.

In late 2021, my eldest brother and his girlfriend had been together for a good couple of years and my other brother had just started dating a girl as well. And there I was, single. I was beginning to wonder whether something was wrong with me. Why I didn't seem to click with anyone. I considered the possibility I may be aromantic but thought "No, that can't be it. I still like the idea of falling in love, I don't hate romance at all. So why can't I just do it? It's so easy for them! Have I just not found the right one yet?"

It wasn't until JaidenAnimations posted her video on coming out as aroace that things changed. I watched it and then scrolled down to the comments where people were sharing their own stories on coming out as aromantic or asexual.

One comment said that they liked the thought of being in a relationship but weren't interested in actually being in one. And someone replied to them: "Oh, there's a term for that. It's called 'cupioromantic'."

I was utterly stunned. That literally described how I was feeling to a T.

So I did some more research on that microlabel and ruminated on it for about a month just to be sure. And I finally realised that I’d always liked romance and the idea of a romantic relationship, but the thought of actually being in one, let alone going on a date with anyone, had never interested me.

It made a lot more sense to me, especially thinking back to my childhood. There was a kid I was very good friends with in primary school. We hung out on the playground at lunch, I went over to their house, invited them to my birthday parties, etc. They were really into horses and Harry Potter (before any of us knew how awful Rowling was), but it was our love of Thomas the Tank Engine that really made us close.

Near the end of our final year of primary school when we were due to go to different secondary schools after it finished, I thought I'd fallen in love with them. And I thought to myself: "They deserve a grand romantic gesture before we possibly never see each other again! That's how they do it in the movies so I must do that too!". So on the last day when the school had a Year 6 disco, I pulled them to the side away from everyone, told them I loved them and kissed them. But even then, it didn't feel as spectacular or magical as I thought it would; it was more of an awkward "Oh. I... guess we're a thing now." And looking back, they looked like they found that kiss pretty awkward too. Still we tried to maintain our relationship and stay in touch through email, but eventually broke up and lost touch after nearly two years.

Looking back at that, it became clear to me that I was more interested in the idea of being in a relationship. Thinking I knew how romance worked and not realising there was a lot more to it than just kissing and saying "I love you".

So one month after seeing that video and thinking hard, I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling and whispered to myself, as a test, "I'm cupioromantic".

And a happy chill ran through me. I wasn't broken. There was a label that accurately described me, and hearing it from my mouth felt so right.

So, yeah, that's pretty much it. I liked romance and the idea of being in love, but never actually felt interested in seeking it out. I figured out that part of myself thanks to JaidenAnimations (and @lily-orchard posting that video) and I'm a lot happier now. Hope this helps you.

[writernopal]

Find the Word Tag

Fair warning this is going to be a FAT post because I had several lovely peeps tag me for this one!

@captain-kraken, here

@toribookworm22, here

@autumnalwalker, here

@squarebracket-trick, here

@talesofsorrowandofruin, here

Thank you all so much!

Tagging (gently): @kosmic-kore @sunset-a-story and @sugar-phoenix

Your words to find will be: deprived, include, major, and hate

***

From Kraken:

faint (AASOAF 1)

And then, I heard a faint sound. A thud? I stopped, struggling to figure out what it might be, but my nervous breaths seemed to overshadow anything that my ears might pick up.

lonely (AASOAF 2)

In any case, they fed and clothed me without complaint and made sure I wasn’t lonely or wanting for anything, even going so far as coming to have supper with me in my recovery room. It was touching.

grow (AASOAF 2)

I looked down at my hands and chewed my lip. “I-I can’t help but feel as though there is something that you are not telling me.” My comment did nothing to make him speak, but I could feel the atmosphere between us grow heavy, sign enough that my suspicions were correct. 

memory (AASOAF 2)

Who did I find? I’d been pining after her so desperately without even knowing who or what she was to me. His question and the memory of her cruel words further overshadowed my momentary happiness at seeing her again.

***

From Tori:

subdue (AASOAF 1)

As terrified as I was, I needed to be brave. I needed to protect Samuel, but to do that; I would have to subdue him, and quickly.

fate (AASOAF 1)

Why was he being cruel? I’d lost my livelihood because of him! Not only that, but managed to save his life once more! It felt like some sort of cruel joke that fate would force us to make such an unfair and savage exchange.

told (AASOAF 1)

She wasn’t even in half-mourning. Husbands had the option to be in half-mourning after the passing of their wives, but wives weren’t given such a choice. She should still be observing it if what she told Xaxxix was true.

believe (AASOAF 1)

Sometimes it was exceedingly easy to believe that they were my underlings. This was one of those times. And with their constant ribbing of one another, one might easily mistake them for brothers.

***

From Autumnal:

broke (AASOAF 1)

“She said wells be portals to the Kin’dom of Frogs, and I wanted to go there to see as so for myself. So I jumped into the first well I could find. Broke my leg and near scared my mother to death.” He said with a nostalgic look on his face.  “It sounds less that she played the trickster and more that you were simply impatient.” I remarked with a giggle. 

flattery (AASOAF 2)

“I’m not buying you more furs, Anise. We can barely afford to feed ourselves as it is. Do you think there is gold just lying about for you to spend?!” I yelled, throwing an angry hand up in frustration.  “You have so much hair.” She said, changing her strategy to blatant flattery, “Wilkes is lucky he gets to sleep in it.” I smacked my lips in an annoyed fashion. “You and Wilkes are lucky I let either of you near me…”

miniature

I don't have this word! Have an AASOAF fun fact instead! I legitimately thought that everyone was going to hate Axtapor while I was writing AASOAF 1 so I was genuinely surprised that so many people liked him when I started sharing my work online.

rattle (AASOAF 1)

I tried to lift my head before a shock of pain thrust itself through the base of my neck. I cried out and heard the rattling of chains in my ears as I fell to my knees. The water is rising. No. I’m sinking. I struggled further and called out to anyone who might hear me, but there was no response. No echo. No sound. 

***

From Kate:

smooth (AASOAF 1)

The pair of smooth sloped horns upon his head, his bright red eyes, and the ruby set in his forehead helped me confirm my suspicions about who he was, though they were hardly needed. He was unmistakable.

free (AASOAF 1)

“Do ye want to be free? Or will ye let them step on ye again?” “Even if I wanted to be, what can either of us do?” I whispered shakily. “It nay matters tell me what ye want.”

broken (AASOAF 1)

“Oxlo, Oxlo. First Mate, broken-hearted Dreamer. Broken man, broken heart, broken Dreamer. Nightmares. Dark. Terror. Oxlo.” “Aye, Kirik.” I responded with a frown as I pulled my pipe from my pocket and began to stuff it with tobacco.

slowly (AASOAF 1)

But we would need to stop to water the horse soon; the poor beast was foaming at the mouth and proceeding slowly after being worked so hard the night before.

***

From Nerissa:

anger (AASOAF 2)

He departed, and while I did my best to temper my anger, it got the better of me as I seized one of the paperweights from my desk and threw it across the room, shattering some glass thing wherever it landed.

opposite (AASOAF 1)

People bustling about and minding their own business seemed to suck whatever unique value such an environment could provide to any new eyes that might lay upon it. I let out a small sigh as I scanned the crowd in the opposite direction and felt my limbs become tense.

continue (AASOAF 2)

Of course, such things would not go unnoticed by her. She knew me well, and no matter how much I dismissed her, she would just find another angle and continue to prod, but where would I even begin telling her about what was troubling me?

answer (AASOAF 2)

I supposed his answer was sweet, and I should be happy that my grandmother would finally have a chance to be with someone who treasured her in the way she deserved, but I wasn’t. When it came down to it, I didn’t like his response at all, and I didn’t know why.

[lopeirce]

I had to give myself a pep talk this morning so I figured I’d share this in case anyone else needs a pep talk.

Things I’ve learned in therapy:

Reversing the negative self-talk is a huge element of building up your self-esteem.

I read this book called “Unfuck Yourself” by Gary John Bishop and he said that the person that you talk to the most is yourself. It’s true. That inner dialogue dictates our self-perception and we are our own worst enemy. Change that negative self-talk because that negative self-talk is what is allowing you to remain at the bar that you’ve set for yourself. If you don’t change it, you’re never going to grow and heal. You are not your thoughts. The negative thoughts are lying to you. Don’t buy into them.

Accept compliments even when you don’t agree.

I had a really hard time accepting compliments from people a few years ago. One of the things that my therapist told me to do was when someone compliments me, say “thank you” and then move on and don’t give it a second thought. Even if you think it’s the most ridiculous thing in your mind. Even if it makes you uncomfortable. (Obviously, this pertains to healthy compliments and not a creepy person.) Why? If someone tells you they like your shirt and you say something like “oh, this old thing” you’re demeaning yourself. It goes back to the negative self-talk. Just say thank you and move on because what you’re doing here is you’re not allowing yourself to engage in the negative self-talk. As silly and small as it is, this helps builds confidence.

You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

If you’re a people pleaser like me, this hits home for you. I spent most of my life doing things because I felt like I would be a horrible friend/person/daughter/sister/lover/etc if I didn’t and in the end, I lost pieces of myself. I sacrificed my own happiness for other people who to this day don’t even acknowledge that. Don’t do this. Know your limits. Set boundaries. You don’t have to sacrifice your own health and happiness for other people. It’s not your job to make other people feel satisfied. That’s their job. If you give 100% of yourself to everyone else, you’re not leaving anything left for yourself.

Your feelings are valid.

It took me until I was 30 to reconcile this. I grew up in a household that made me feel like I was a crazy person and that everything I felt was ridiculous. It’s not. A friend of mine told me something recently that even further has stuck with me. It’s okay if you feel something for only a short time. If someone said something that upset you and then they further explained which then made you understand it better, that doesn’t mean that you weren’t upset. Acknowledge it and know that whatever you feel is okay and it’s normal. You’re not a robot. You’re a person with feelings and they are valid.

Depression/negative feelings are easy to give in to. Resisting them is the hard part.

I struggle with this a lot. I’ll confess that I gave into my depression and eating disorder yesterday. It was easy. Today, I am resisting it and it’s hard. And that’s okay. If you allow yourself to sit in your negative head space, all you’re going to see are negative things. Give yourself time to address your feelings but don’t stay there. It gets harder to get up the longer you stay down. Focus on the simplest of things even if it’s just “ this cup of coffee is so good.” Find the little smiles throughout the day.

If you want to be more positive, successful, etc, surround yourself with people who are those things.

Just like how negativity is easily spread, so is positivity. Use that positive, successful space. It’s amazing how you can train your mind that way.

Life will keep throwing the same lesson at you until you learn it.

Sometimes healing hurts more than the thing that hurt you.

Healing is hard. Therapy is hard. Reopening old wounds hurts because it’s festered for so long. But when the day comes when you can talk about something or experience something without negative feelings, it makes it so worth it.

Most of the issues we carry into adulthood stem from childhood trauma.

I’ve always struggled with feeling like I matter. My therapist asked me “who made little you feel like you don’t matter? Who do you hear besides yourself telling you that you don’t matter?” Start there. Unpack that. 

Know what triggers you and try not to coddle them.

When someone has a phobia of something, they get put through exposure therapy. It’s the same concept with something triggering. Little by little, expose yourself to things that make you feel uncomfortable within your limits. It doesn’t have to be a lot. If you never expose yourself, you’re never going to heal. I used to think that by shutting myself off from the world, no one would hurt me. a.) I was wrong. b.) I’m a human being who needs connections with other human beings. In order to heal, you have to learn to be okay with being uncomfortable.

Tell people how you feel.

This isn’t something I necessarily learned in therapy but it’s something that I live by. I’d rather tell someone how I feel about them and have my heart shattered than look back and wonder “what if?” If you’re bold enough to express your feelings to someone, you can get through the day. 

Negative feelings are temporary.

I have to remind myself of this daily. The pain you’re in, the anger you’re feeling, it will all go away eventually. Someone once told me that it’s literally impossible for the universe to remain off balance. Balance has to be restored eventually.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[etchofsqetch]

So I got this app idea and a bunch of notes. It’s social media.. (I know lame right?) but really it’s a dating app but obviously I have something unique or I wouldn’t be here posting this at one am when I should be masturbating like it’s a fucking requirement.. anyways..

I need help creating this app, not because I don’t know what I’m doing, not because I’m stupid; because I honestly value other people and I want to write a love story. I want to work with people and I want to work on a team doing something that really shows our value together.

I’ve heard it said that sports such as football sets the standard for displaying merit. The better you do, the more you are respected and revered. I don’t want to be known as a drug dealer, I want to be known as something closer to who I really am. I think that business is the real test of merit in todays economy. Success is measured in value by that dollar sign, and it takes a lot to build and show that value, while still keeping up with and paying taxes.. lmao!

So I’ve been using plenty of dating apps, and trying them out for real. I’m bi, and trans, so I’ve been able to use them all while still being honest and remaining true to myself #fuckhaters but I’ve been looking at how the apps themselves are made and keeping track of features I like and things I don’t like about the more popular ones. I’ve been banned from using HER I think four maybe five times, (and that’s the one I really like..) I could never stop using Grindr, (too much sqetchy fun if you ask me) and I hate Tinder with a passion, (who knew so many guys would be attracted to me sexually while all the girls swipe left..) needless to say, I’ve learned a lot about myself and what others think of me. It’s nice to know and not have to guess. It doesn’t mean that every woman who walks into the store and sees me thinks “omg, I swiped left on him..” it doesn’t mean I’m one thing or another, my preferences have always been the same, and there’s no “undecided” box to check; although, there should be a box to tick that says “still figuring it out” because that’s closer to the truth than anything.

You must have experienced this much pain to use this app..

So in making this new app I’m being stubborn; because I know I have a great idea and I’ve even shared some of it. I’m honestly surprised it hasn’t been made yet; but the closest thing I’ve found is telegram; but it’s missing the dating aspect and isn’t geared towards making money off of it’s users. I’m not greedy; but, I am hungry and I find it hard to afford rent and food some weeks living in the city. I’m not adverse to putting pornography of myself online either; but I’m not about the hustle that never hits or the grind that never quits, I have a day job and it’s bullshit having to go to work every day and deal with constant hate. So I’m digging my heels in because I don’t want to go to work and I don’t want to deal with life anymore. I can make the app on my own; but, in doing so would completely defeat the purpose for me, and if that’s the case then I should definitely end it. Because I’d rather cut my balls off than go to prison for the rest of my life for something I didn’t do, and that’s why I moved to California. To prove that. To not only myself; but everyone else.

I need help with the graphic design. I need help with ways to create income from an app that anyone should be able to use for free. Simple stuff like that.. I know there are some very creative people on here; but, where’s the community? I mean, am I missing something? Unwritten rules for an old newcomer? Did I not steal enough time online when I was twelve? Anyways.. I wish I had my badge still, then they’d really have a reason to be scared..

The joke’s on them though, I was never trying to win, I was never even playing.. and I’ve wanted to cut my balls off since I was four years old..

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Trigun! Genshin Impact! Mystic Messenger! And Blue Exorsist! Matchups?! Its me again! Its been a while! But dont worry about finding my old post I made a slightly updated one for you!

My Appearance: Im AFAB,  Im around 5’4-5’5 with light skin and short curly very dark brown hair. I have blue eyes that are downturned and hooded and I wear glasses. Im thin with an hourglass figure but flat. I also have keratosis thats moderate on my arms and cheeks but really bad on my legs, chest and lower back. Oh and really veiny hands that are kind of bigger than I’d like them to be. I have a kind of pointy tongue and its longer than average! 

Personality: I'm kind of a people pleaser and I can't stand to hear people fighting as I associate yelling with physical harm and I get really quiet and I try to make myself smaller when I'm being yelled at or around people yelling. I usually have a hard time focusing when people talk to me and I show a lot of signs of adhd. I don't usually talk a lot, unless I'm around someone I trust and I have horrible anxiety when talking to new people. I do really like spending time with people though and I have a soft spot for protective and soft people. I crave physical contact, but I'm very hesitant to actually touch anyone and I get really twitchy when someone stands next to me. I have an anxiety tick where my shoulders will jolt forward if someone I don't know or trust is standing near me. I'm also very attentive and if someone asks for my help I will be by there side as fast as I can. It takes a lot to get me to talk, unless you trigger one of my interests in which case it seems like I won't shut up. I'm a bit of a workaholic as in if I don't have anything to do I will kind of just rearrange my house so I have something to do. I rarely cry when im sad but I cry so much when im mad. 

Interests: I love learning about new cultures, more accurately food! I love baking and cooking and eating! I like learning new languages as well! 

Facts: Im an INFP. My sexuality is unlabeled but I do consider myself on the Aspec and I’ve felt more attraction to men but above gender im mostly attracted to peoples emotional connections and their personalities! I have Food Texture Aversion with mushy foods like yogurt and applesauce. I really don't like yelling or loud noises, unless its music, and bright lights tend to freak me out too, as well as to much physical sensations. Curtain sounds such as towels and paper make me freak out too. I love books and reading! Im an Empath. 

A main thing: My hands/fingers shake and twitch almost constantly. I cannot hold them steady because they very visibly shake so much sometimes people think im faking but I genuinely cannot hold them still.

~💞🍋

Hi Lemons! Long time no see! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took so long. I hope you like your matchups!

In Trigun Stampede, I match you with...

You and Vash are very similar in the sense that you both enjoy being around people and dislike conflict.

Very perceptive so usually he’ll be able to tell when someone’s starting to get too close to you. If he sees your tick starting to act up, he’ll move you closer to himself before moving away from the stranger together.

Please ask him questions about any cultures and languages you want. He’s got tons of knowledge about those sorts of things, both from books and from first hand experience, and he enjoys being able to share those things with people who are interested in it.

Vash loves anything you bake or cook for him. He’d also love to cook with you if you don’t mind having someone else in the kitchen with you.

I think Vash would also enjoy reading with you. He would especially like it if you would read to him but won't force you. He’d also be happy to read to you or read quietly, depending on what you’d prefer.

In Genshin Imapct, I match you with...

Much like Vash, Kazuha is very similar to you in that he likes interacting with people. He especially likes it when he’s able to interact with people when he’s with you.

He also enjoys learning about cultures, foods from different regions, and languages. He finds them fascinating and is very glad you find them interesting as well.

Kazuha’s not a loud or combative person so there’s no need to worry about him raising his voice around you. The last thing he wants is for you to be uncomfortable.

Doesn’t mind that you’re not super talkative. He enjoys the peace and quiet and knows that if anything needs to be said, it can be without getting lost in too much mindless chatter.

Loves reading with you. He would appreciate it if you read something he’s written and give him feedback. Expect him to write about you a lot: you’re his muse and inspiration.

In Mystic Messenger, I match you with...

V definitely falls into the category of soft but protective. You’ll always feel safe with V around and, regardless of whether you think you’re protective or not, V feels safe around you as well.

Knows what it’s like to a workaholic but will do his best to make sure you take regular breaks and never overwork yourself too badly.

Loves any food you make. Due to his poor eyesight, V can’t really cook too much so he’s grateful for anything you make for him.

Will take photos of you if you’re comfortable with that. He loves being able to capture you in moments that will remind him, not only of how you are physically but capture your personality as well.

Will usually keep a hand on your shoulder when in public so he can feel if your tick is acting up. He also likes the reassurance of knowing that you’re together.

In Blue Exorcist, I match you with...

Yukio is a bit different from the others on this list since he’s a lot more closed off with his emotions. However, when he can’t contain it anymore, he can be very expressive.

Out of everyone, Yukio is the most likely to yell at or around you. He gets worked up and bottles up his anger for too long and when he finally unleashes it, anyone can be a target.

He will always be completely apologetic once he calms down though. The last thing he wants to do is make you uncomfortable and he’ll do whatever it takes to gain your trust again.

Enjoys spending time with you in libraries and bookshops. He’s usually studying or reading up on demons so he likes being able to spend time with you while doing one of his favourite things.

You’re both workaholics so you’ll need to help keep each other in line. Take regular breaks together and keep each other honest with the amount of work you’re doing.

[keefwho]

April 10 - 2023

2:30 PM

There’s so much on my mind that I’ll probably only cover things briefly. First of all I’ve been much more stable lately. I think FORCING myself to step back and prioritize myself and my existence and also practicing true focus has kept me from getting in my own head and burning out in general. 

I guess the biggest thing on my mind is a variety of sexual stuff. Maybe I’m just too hungry to go into ALL of it but, I’ve been reminded about the bad dynamics and discomfort I felt with a certain individual for so long. For the most part I’ve purged that from my brain and forgotten about it and I don’t know if thats me suppressing things or it actually being irrelevant now. I get the feeling I haven’t faced it or acknowledged it properly yet. I was given a lot of misery and stress being pressured to [virtually] fuck which sounds silly considering most of it wasn’t physical but I refuse to downplay my own struggles. The reality is I was sucked into an unhealthy social dynamic and it resulted in me being mistreated. I can’t say it was a MASSIVE problem or something that affects me greatly anymore but it did happen and there is a lot to be learned from it in relation to my current and future dynamics. As much as suffering sucks, there is always value to be had in it. It’s not the best way to grow but it is [a] way. 

I have also made good progress accepting feeling and urges in general. Its very liberating to feel anything and believe it’s valid with the understanding that it just needs a proper outlet. Sadness, jealousy, anger, horny, are all okay things to feel as long as they have somewhere non-destructive to go. It’s made dealing with things so much easier. 

It can’t go unstated how important my bestie has been lately. Knowing myself means nothing if I can’t also show myself and I can’t do that to just everyone. I am so so grateful to be able to do that. 

10:15 PM

I don’t know what my problem is right now. It’s not a big deal. I just feel burnt out creatively and there is nothing else I want to do. No games or anything. I feel like my brain is on overdrive thinking about certain things. Even forcing focus on something isn’t really helping unless I’m doing that wrong. So I’m writing here. Maybe I’m forgetting “why” I’m doing things? Earlier I stopped working on projects because I just didn’t want to and there is no really pay off for them. The problem is the wanting. 

11:14 PM

I guess now’s a good time to remember this intimacy problem in the past that I think I understand now. I used to meet a new friend, normally through lewd means, and they’d become someone I talk to every day. Like a Skype/Discord buddy. But as our friendship grew, I’d shut myself off from the sexual stuff entirely. I equated it to feeling so close to the person that they felt like a sibling so it was weird to keep doing it. But that wasn’t the case. I think the reality is I was afraid of getting that close with anyone. It wasn’t just sex, that was just the obvious indicator for how I felt about the friendship. In general since I wasn’t open with myself, I wasn’t open with them either. I couldn’t share the kind of deep connection I wanted with them. It didn’t help that the most common response to feeling this way was that they didn’t understand why I didn’t want to fuck and would try to guilt me into it. 

These days I’m the total opposite. I AM open with my feelings and share true connections with people. I wanna fuck the homies sometimes to share that level of intimacy. Fucking people I don’t know much isn’t really fun or rewarding anymore. It’s almost a bad thing because doing things with other people used to be a good outlet for me but I don’t really have that anymore and I’ve had to come to terms with that to find a new outlet. Thats been one of my biggest sexual issues that’s made things so stressful. But I’ve figured it out for the most part. I’m okay with everything now. And as valid as a problem this is, I don’t want sex to seem like such a big thing to myself or others. It was an acute problem and thats why I’ve been covering it so much lately. It was truly hard to ignore a boner that can only be satisfied certain ways that were unavailable.

I’ve also been a little bit excited(?) exploring sexual problems. They can be a REALLY big deal, probably because they deal with such high levels of vulnerability. Its something I shied away from because it’s uncomfortable to admit that I might have been mistreated or mishandled valid urges. But coming to terms with that has led to a good amount of understanding and solutions that apply to other areas of my life. The truth is sex is a big deal and I needed to become more solid on what it meant to me. Now I’m feeling good about it again.  

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #078

What was the name of the first friend you ever made? Brianna. What is your dream honeymoon destination? Alaska. I want to see the Northern Lights with my partner. How many followers do you have on Instagram? Uh I just checked and actually both my main photography one and roadkill photos one have 86. What TV show will you always recommend anyone should watch? Extraordinary Attorney Woo, absolutely. That show touches me SO deeply; I'm very very sympathetic to those that suffer with autism (hell, *I* might), and I think it does a good job at expressing how important it is to treat everyone equally and open your mind to how others just exist differently but also just the same as everyone else. I hope that makes sense. It's just a very emotional and well-written show that highlights beauty in the individual. If you won one million dollars and HAD to spend it, what would you spend it on? So it sounds like charity isn't an option? In that case, I'd get a new place for Mom and me, a new car, figure out what debt I'm in to handle that... those are the important ones I can think of. I'd have to think further and more carefully on the less-important things and I don't feel like doing that rn for a hypothetical.

How many people have seen you completely naked in the last five years? Ummmm... I honestly want to say just one, my mom. Have you ever dated/been “involved” with someone of another race? If so, did your parents know? If not, would you ever? I dated Juan for literally a day, and he's Hispanic. Mom knew, but I don't think Dad did. He probably thought SOMETHING was going on though, because we used to hang out kinda regularly and pretty much since we met he was very open about liking me. Do you watch Criminal Minds? No. What’s the most depressing movie you’ve ever seen? The Boy in the Striped Pajamas tears my fucking heart open. I only ever watched it in school a few times, and each time I very easily cried at the end. Which TV shows do you own on DVD? I own seasons 1-4 of Meerkat Manor. I do plan on getting the fifth whenever it's released like that. Who is the first person who broke your heart? My dad, honestly. Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Girt's dad was in Desert Storm, I know. I think my Mom's... grandpa was also in a war? Someone on her side has been. Who is the last person you cut out of your life? Mini, again. She shared transphobic shit (among other stuff...) on Insta and I was like nope, bye, for good this fuckin time. I can't stay in contact with her and pretend I'm standing for the rights so I firmly believe in. Name ONE good memory about your last ex? There was one night the first time I visited her where we just chilled in the room I was staying in listening to music and talking about the most random and pointless shit. I felt really bonded with her that night. Have you ever been shot? No, thankfully. Let's keep it that way, please. What has damaged you? More than anything, just poor mental health, but also broken promises, betrayal, losing people (I handle loss SO fucking poorly), growing up with parents that never stopped fighting, witnessing alcoholism, witnessing my sister be abused, and I guess in some ways you really could say love. Loving too hard is a real fucking thing. What kind of trees do you have in your yard? I actually don't know what they are. What do you feel guilty about? Jesus Christ... I'm tempted to skip this because I feel guilt over so much. How I treated Jason, how I talked to my dad before we made up, not having a job nor going to school, not exercising like I should, neglecting/not further exploring my talents, never being able to remember shit, not having stronger relationships with my siblings, not being as proactive with helping around the house, neglecting my physical health, and honestly for just... not being a friend to myself, at all. I want to stop here, this is upsetting me. Do you have commitment issues? That's something I've never struggled with. What is the coolest thing you can do? Uhhhh... idk. When did you last feel overwhelmed? I felt overwhelmed in the BEST fuckin way possible a couple days back; the Silent Hill franchise has been no less than totally revived with like, an hour-long (I think longer?) announcement of MULTIPLE upcoming game installments and a new movie! The first thing to be shared was the trailer for the FUCKING REMAKE of Silent Hill 2, my favorite game in the entire fucking universe, and I literally cried and shook for SO LONG, like I WANTED to faint. I am ECSTATIC and so fucking hyped to see how everything develops!! Do you have anything from past relationships? Yeah. Who was your most serious relationship? Jason, but Girt is getting pretty damn close as far as seriousness goes. I'm older and more matured now and this relationship is DEFINITELY healthier. When was the last time you cried? At the Silent Hill 2 trailer I mentioned a couple questions ago. My excitement is just so, so fucking beyond words. It actually LOOKS GOOD, which is super encouraging because a very large portion of the fanbase actually hasn't wanted a remake. I was on the fence about it, but I am SO into it now having seen the preview!! Do you ever feel left out? When? Yeah, I guess... I sometimes get jealous of Ashley and Nicole's relationship, thinking about it. They're pretty close and definitely talk with each other more and meanwhile I'm just over here in the corner uncomfortably twiddling my thumbs because I don't know how to engage with them. How useful do you feel to others? I feel COMPLETELY useless. Is there a loaded gun in your house? Do you have access to it? No, that wouldn't be legal with my mental health and history. I don't even WANT access to one. [TW: SELF-HARM] Have you ever inflicted pain on yourself? How? Yes, because I used to cut myself, usually with weird things like paperclips and thumbtacks. I never wanted to bleed out, just distract from the emotional pain. I also remember an occasion where I was just banging my fist against my bed's headboard to focus again on physical discomfort versus what I had going on mentally... Jason had to literally grab and hold me to make me stop. Do you like gore? Usually, anyway. Do you write poetry? Are you any good? Occasionally, and I guess I'm okay... I've actually been teetering on the brink of trying to write two poems and it's kinda a goal of mine to maybe publish a poetry book or something. Do you think dragonflies are cool? I do. What’s a game that you play often? I play some World of Warcraft pretty much daily. Do you like fudge? I fucking LOVE fudge, like that's one of my favorite treats in the world. Best movie soundtrack ever: I honestly feel like I gotta go with either Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron or Tarzan. Phil Collins is just a fucking legend. What was your favorite Disney movie as a kid? It was The Lion King and still is. I also very thoroughly enjoy the sequel and did as a kid as well. When’s the last time you were at a playground? A few years back when I was taking photographs for someone's family. Have you ever been to an apple orchard? No, but I would absolutely love to. Were there any cartoons your parents didn’t let you watch as a kid? Ummmm I don't know about not LETTING us, but I do know my mom really didn't like Cow and Chicken as well as Catdog. The former I didn't like/didn't watch anyway, but damn did I love Catdog. Do you need to clean your room? Sigh, yes. My mom dusted for me one day so a lot of plushies and knick-knacks had to be moved around and I just... haven't put them back. I'm going to before Girt's family comes here next weekend, though. I need to at least look like I have my shit together. I am heavily considering redecorating my room to something more minimalistic so it's easier for me to keep up with keeping it tidy and not a dusty disaster... No one ever really changes. They just get better at hiding their flaws. True or false? That is absolutely false. Do you drink milk? I do, but I wish I could change to something non-dairy... because the dairy industry is appalling. I am just so motherfucking picky. Could you handle motherhood? No. I can almost GUARANFUCKINGTEE I would end up killing myself or surrendering the kid because I just couldn't handle it, and that would haunt me to the end of my days. Would you rather have a bulldog puppy or a husky puppy? I don't want another dog period, but I think I would have to go with a husky; I don't support the breeding of animals that can't fucking breathe, so although I think bulldogs are ADORABLE, I couldn't stomach buying one. I guess however if it was purely an adoption/rescue case, I would definitely pick the bulldog. Huskies are SO fucking stunning, but I know I'd be bad at keeping up with grooming them as much as they require. Pancakes, or waffles? Eh, I go back and forth. Both are great. Do you read the prologues in the beginnings of books? Uh, yeah? Who doesn't? Do you think that ocean boardwalks are fun? They really are, actually. I just wouldn't enjoy them/literally couldn't now because of all the walking... but they offer some pretty cool and unique stuff. I had the BEST fudge one time when Colleen, her husband, and I all went on a random daytrip to the beach. When it rains does it leave a lake in your front yard? No, but holy shit that was the story of my childhood home. The whole area handled rain very, VERY badly, like the ditches 'round that area pretty much constantly have water and there's even this one spot where if there's a sudden downpour? One road is absolutely horribly flooded. It's a joke there. What color is your music device? Hot pink. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks? No? I always thought it was really nice for someone to even WANT my signature. Where is one place that you’d never be caught dead in? Strip club, to name one. Apple Jacks; yay or nay? Holy shit, I forgot about those, but big yay. They're great. What is the last cartoon that you have watched? Uhhhh... it woulda been something at Ashley's place yesterday with the kids. I feel like it was Spidey and His Amazing Friends (something like that), though I wasn't paying much attention to it. Have you ever been to a nursing home? I know I have at least once, to see the woman my mom used to take care of literally the day before she died... It was one of the most fucking heartbreaking things I've ever seen. I literally started crying in the room while trying so hard to hide it from Katherine. She was basically a corpse already. I literally cannot put it into words, what I felt looking at someone who was alive but also so, SO dead, and I barely even knew this woman... Who do you know that watches the most sports? Uh, either my dad or sister's husband, probably? Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? Not at all, really; I was super well-behaved. I only ever got into trouble for having too many morning tardies, which were always my fault because I never wanted to get outta bed... Do you usually initiate hugs? Yes actually, I love hugs. Do you say “I love you” to your best friends? I am VERY much for telling your friends that; I sure do. If you could meet one famous person, who would it be? Markiplier. Do you hate it when people look over your shoulder? YES YES YES YES YES. Even if I have nothing to hide, I DO NOT like people doing this. Like I will literally stop what I'm doing. Who was the last person you offended? Probably Mom... she woke me up mid-nightmare this morning and I just totally screamed "WHAT?!" at her while still asleep. I felt like total fucking shit. Like I was THANKFUL she woke me up, because the nightmare involved getting in a fight with Jason, and I DO NOT want to know where it would've gone. I apologized to her and she said she understood that it "wasn't me," but still. I feel like shit. What is one thing you never want to lose? My pursuit to be artistic is one. Do you have a Wii? Yeah. Did you honestly listen to Michael Jackson before he died? I didn't really listen to him before or after he died. I mean he has some songs that are nice, but his music isn't something I chase. Do you ever have so much energy that it’s annoying? ... No? I honestly wish????? I have practically no energy. What is the most significant health issue you have been dealing with lately? I mean, probably my weight. I'm really struggling to get the protein I need to get these shots to do their job with burning the bad stuff, so my weight isn't moving much. I HAVE lost water weight though/have pretty much succeeded in incorporating a MUCH healthier amount of water in my life, but I'm still just frustrated. It's like nothing I do works. What was the name of the first guy/girl you dated? Aaron. What is something you love that you can’t get where you live? Uh, I'm real uncertain here; the only thing I can think of immediately is Hot Topic, which is a minimum hour drive to reach one. What quotes from TV or film do you use regularly (if any)? I don't think any, really. What are weird sites you can’t stop going on? Uh, none that are "weird," I think. What was your worst “Oh shit! Why did I say/do that?!” with a kid? I think just cursing on accident. I put sincere effort into not doing it around kiddos because they generally just don't understand when "bad" words just aren't appropriate in many social situations. What’s your biggest “I need to get a life” moment to date? Oh, fucking easy. Jason literally told me the most dedicated and ambitious he ever saw me was during my ~three-day intense camping of one of the rarest mounts in WoW, called the Time-Lost Proto-drake. I scheduled my sleeping/waking schedule to sync the minimum spawn times of it and the rare it shares a spawn chance with. It was extremely difficult to do but I sure did get that mount two days after my birthday. Him saying that still haunts me to this day, since I STILL kinda take his word as pure fact, and hearing him think I never tried harder for something than I did in a stupid game is fucking excruciating and I'm going to stop talking about it now. What stories are an absolute must read for your children/possible future children? IF I had kids, um... to be totally honest I've forgotten the plots of most children's books, but I remember I really liked Chrysanthemum and its message of meeting uniqueness with acceptance and even adoration. I'd have to ask Mom what some of her favorites were to read to me and my sisters and brother, and which ones had the most important messages. What are some of your favorite monologues? My #1 is FUCKING EASY: the passionate rant of what the world becomes by the villain to the player of Amnesia: The Machine For Pigs leading up to the final scene. I get absolutely covered in goosebumps every. Single. Time. I sometimes even shiver. It is BEAUTIFULLY written and just heartbreaking and haunting in how true it is. Do you actually think it’s gross to talk about body functions? Usually no, especially if they're very normal, pretty much everyday things. HOWEVER, I do believe sometimes it's just better to not share, like over food or if you're around queasy people, etc. Would you rather sleep alone or next to your SO? Next to him, though at the same time I worry severely that I'm going to have a nightmare with him there and lash out in my sleep... When you go out to breakfast, what do you order? If we're talking sit-down restaurants, I tend to favor pancakes or waffles with sausage (or sometimes bacon) and scrambled eggs. Have you ever worked at the same place as your best friend? No. Is there anything hanging on your bathroom walls? No. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever seen in person? So I wasn't sure which was bigger, elephant or orca, and a quick Google search isn't giving me a super clear answer, but it does say orcas are generally heavier, so I'd say an orca because I went to a Shamu show as a kid at SeaWorld... which I would never, EVER set a single toe into ever again. Would you give mouth to mouth to your dog to save its life? Absolutely. What’s the best burger EVER? Gotta be real man, Wendy's Baconator is fucking perfection. Did you ever show up late for an important event? I don't THINK so.

[spectaclespencer]

P.H. // Part 3; Need To Know

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

A/N; Chapter 3!! Yay! I will not lie I got kind of lazy and burnt out when I finally got to the smut scene, and for that I am sorry. I’ll make it up to you guys with a future chapter.

Summary; Reader can’t get her mind off of Spencer, which causes distractions at work. Until one day when he catches on.

Category; Smut (Minors DNI!!!)

Content Warnings; Swearing, Kissing, Mentions of masturbation, Unprotected sex, Fingering, Oral (Male receiving), Drinking, Mentions of being shot, Kinda Sub!Spencer, Virgin!Spencer (but not by the end of it)

Word Count; 7.2k

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‘Wanna know what it's like (like)

Baby, show me what it's like (like)

I don't really got no type (type)

I just wanna fuck all night’

Spencer Reid. The object of my attraction, the man I fell harder for with every stolen glance I could manage to throw his way. I was obsessed, and that infatuation only grew stronger every day that I saw him at work.

When we went out to bars after cases we ended up in an inevitable game of Never Have I Ever like a bunch of high school kids. With Emily and Derek in the group it almost always turned sexual. It started with innocent things such as; Never have I ever kicked down a door -- to which Derek drinks. There were some targeted jabs, I got Spencer a few times when I brought up an activity I was certain he had done -- just to keep him involved.

However he never drank past that. He never took a sip when Emily made a sexual innuendo, or when she brought up one night stands, number of partners, most bizarre location to engage in intercourse. Nothing of the sort got him to break. I figured he was a private guy, never one to boast about his sexual experiences.

It was frustrating, to say the least. It got to the point where I couldn’t think about anyone but him. I couldn’t engage in any sexual activity without my mind shifting to him, the way he might slip his fingers in and out of me, or how skilled he was with his mouth instead of the person I dragged home. No other person could even begin to compare to the remedy I concocted in my mind. I didn’t have any information to base my fantasies on, either.

I had it bad. So bad, that at one point I spilled hot coffee all over myself in the breakroom over the littlest interaction.

Spencer came in just after me, mumbling a small hello before reaching to grab a mug for himself. In the process of doing so his shirt rode up, exposing a small expanse of his lower stomach that had me sputtering as I clumsily missed my cup and instead poured the coffee all over the counter. It ran down and soaked through my pants; yet it wasn’t nearly as hot as the way I felt on the inside.

I couldn’t help but wonder the noises he’d make if I were to suck dark purple marks across that plain of skin...or if anyone ever had before.

The small burn was a fine price to pay for my inappropriate thoughts.

Him being the sweet guy that he is, offered to help me clean up. This proposal ended up with him taking paper towels and patting down my thighs -- not realizing just how suggestive the action looked to me.

“Sorry,” He whispered, looking up at my face from his position below me. He was kneeling on one knee, with a hand planted firmly on the outside of my thigh. His voice was soft yet raspy, and oh how I let my mind wander.

“Not your fault,” I said quickly, and borderline ran out the door before he could protest or add anything on.

I headed straight to the bathroom to wash my face, try and stop the effect he had on me from becoming too physical.

If I got that worked up over a small piece of skin showing, nothing could have prepared me for the first night we shared a hotel room.

I was in shambles all night, ever since the moment Hotch handed me a room card and explained we needed to double up.

Emily usually roomed with JJ, Hotch and Rossi got their own, and Derek refuses to bunk with Spencer -- if he could avoid it. Much to my luck, this time he did because Garcia was needed for this case, meaning she and Derek would be sharing.

Leaving me with Spencer.

I stood there helpless, eyes burning a hole into the place that Hotch was previously standing. I was panicking on the inside, my body going into fight or flight mode as I went through scenarios in my head.

I was 99% sure I would be embarrassing myself tonight.

“Hey,” Spencer said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I jumped and shrieked a little bit, and slapped a hand over my heart. “Oh my god, Reid. You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he laughed. “Sorry I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s okay.”

He nodded, eventually realizing that he was still indeed touching my shoulder. He dropped his arm, only to bring his hand back up to rub over his chin.

My eyes darted down to it, watching at the way his veins stood out. It wasn’t the first time I admired them, there were moments when he was going over maps with two fingers where I wondered what they would feel like on my-

“____?”

“What?” I asked, a little too loud for the setting.

“Did you hear me?”

“No, sorry.”

“I said we should go inside,” he laughed softly, trying to sooth the tension.

I agreed, stepping past him to start walking to our room. I opened the door with trembling hands, wondering just how hard the following nights at the hotel would be.

“I’m gonna go see Emily and JJ. Ask if they wanna go to the bar,” I said quickly, throwing my bag down just inside the door.

“Oh. Okay. Have fun! Don’t stay out too late. You should get a full night’s sleep.”

“I won’t be long. Don’t wait up!” I called, not looking back to see him before half jogging out of the room.

-----

“I cannot go back in there.”

“Oh, because of your little crush,” Emily laughed, much too loud for the early hours of the morning.

Clearly Spencer’s advice about coming back early didn’t plant itself in my head.

“Yes, because of that,” I confirmed. I was staring down at my drink, wallowing in self pity. It was too awkward to even step foot in there, I’m sure just by the sight of him I’d explode.

“What is it about him that gets you hot and heavy?” JJ teased. “No shame, just curious.”

I fake laughed, ignoring her question.

Everything he did was so intoxicating. Even the most mundane things got my blood pumping hard. Each time he let a small gasp through his lips or when he would whisper to himself, a shockwave went through me, igniting a fire deep inside that was near impossible to put out.

But he was so oblivious. He hadn’t a single idea of the effect he had on me. And that was the most frustrating part.

The first time I noticed my extreme attraction to him was shortly after I joined the team, it was only the third or fourth case I’d had with them. Spencer and I walked to a coffee shop to grab some for everyone, and on the way back he was infodumping.

About what, I can’t remember, for I was too fixated on the way his hands wrapped around his cup as he talked. He’d wave it around, and in doing so his fingers would trace little patterns onto the outside of it. I didn't mean to stare, I just got distracted.

I started noticing more little things after that.

Like the way he licked his lips while deep in thought, his mind consuming him to the point where he looked so concentrated and determined. It was hot, to put it simply. I wanted nothing more for him to be licking my lips, to feel him take such care with my body.

He had always been attractive in my eyes, the young boy was nothing but pretty. Even when his hair was shorter and he gelled it back, pairing the look with his glasses -- that he unfortunately wore less often nowadays.

It was nearly painful to be around him all day every day. My head would constantly be spinning with anxiety, only causing more and more headaches to present themselves. It was like a punishment, one I certainly deserved for the tasteful thoughts I had during work hours.

My crush went from an innocent little thing, to full fledged fascination.

‘I just been fantasizin' (size)

And we got a lotta time (time)

Baby, come throw the pipe (pipe)’

Avoiding him as much as I could seemed like a decent plan at the time. If I kept my interactions low, I could distract myself with other things, and not focus on the way his lips pursed as I conversed with him. I raced up more time staring at his mouth rather than completing actual work by my six month stay at the BAU.

“I’m so fucked,” I nodded, coming to a bit of peace with my downfall.

“Well, you could be. If you told him how you feel,” JJ encouraged.

“No way in hell,” I protested, shooting my head up to make eye contact with her.

“____, there is a very, very high chance he feels the same. And if he doesn’t -- which he does -- he’s too sweet to let that impact your friendship.”

“We hardly even have a friendship. Whenever he tries to talk to me I end up running away. He probably thinks I hate him or something. He probably wants nothing to do with me.”

No objection from Emily or JJ there.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” Emily asked, changing the pace of the conversation.

“He never speaks to me again. I die of embarrassment.”

“You’re both adults, ____.”

“We are 27!” I shook my head, exasperated. “I hardly even feel like one sometimes.”

“27, exactly. I’m sure by now Reid has gained some experience with talking to women. You’ll be fine.”

“I have absolutely no way of knowing how things will go.”

“Just give him little tests,” JJ suggested. “Like touch him. On the shoulders, compliment him more, really go up to him and make a move. That way if he doesn’t feel the same you can play it off as being platonic.”

I groaned and rested my head on the table dramatically. “You both kinda suck at advice. What am I supposed to do? Waltz into our shared room and confess my love for him? Ask him desperately to dick me down?”

Even though I definitely wanted to.

They laughed at that, saying they were going to bed and wished me luck. Emily advised I should try and ‘get some’ from somebody else, and maybe that would take my mind off of things.

After stalling some more I eventually made my way back to the hotel room, hoping that Spencer was already asleep so I wouldn’t have to face him. But once again, luck wasn’t in my favour.

“Hi,” he spoke softly from his bed.

“Why are you still awake?” I asked, trying my best to stifle a yawn. I threw my sweater down on my bed, before grabbing my go-bag and retrieving my pyjamas from it. “It’s almost one in the morning.”

“I wanted to make sure you got back okay.”

“I told you not to wait up. Naughty boy,” I joked, finally turning my attention fully over to him.

Which could've been a mistake, based on the way you saw it.

He was dressed in flannel pants and a black t-shirt, along with his hair tied up that I’d failed to notice earlier. I froze at the sight, seeing the way his cheeks were dusted a slight red, and lips pink as ever.

His hair was tied up, and I almost dropped dead at the sight. I’d never seen it before. Sure, he sometimes wore an elastic band on his wrist during the work days but never have I seen him actually use one.

“I’m gonna shower and then head to bed,” I said in an effort to keep my voice steady.

He didn’t respond, only turning his head back to the book that was in his hand.

Thankfully when I returned he was asleep, meaning I didn’t have to see him before bed.

The next day was torturous. I couldn’t get the image of him out of my head. The view of him so relaxed on his bed was ethereal, the soft glow of the lamp hand illuminated his skin in all the right places. Did he pull his hair back often? Did he casually sit at home with it up? How did he look in different angles or positions? Are there other things he wears or does that I haven’t seen?

The image was just so domestic that I couldn't stop thinking about it even if I wanted to.

I was afraid to fall asleep, in fear that my dream may turn adventurous. Quitting my job and moving to a new city seems more preferable than having a sex dream about your coworker while they were in the room.

I was hyper aware of every move he made, always keeping tabs on him in the back of my mind so we wouldn’t accidentally run into each other.

Apparently when I was paying attention on how not to see him, I failed to notice how he had filled out recently. He wore looser pants in the past, ones that didn’t allow much shape to show through.

The next day at the precinct I was in for a surprise though, one that was sure to make me fall to my knees.

And I would have, if it wasn’t for the fact I was already seated in a chair.

Spencer walked in clad in pants that were far too tight to be appropriate for work. Or maybe I was overreacting.

“Jesus Christ,” I muttered under my breath, soaking in his appearance of the day.

It was hot outside, so he decided not to wear his usual vest and tie combo, choosing instead just a white pattern button up and grey tie.

I heard Emily snicker beside me, which earned her a light kick in the calf to shut her up. She got up then, winking at me dramatically before leaving the room to presumably go check in with Derek.

“Hey ____, can you come here for a sec?”

I got up without a word, and walked over to the other side of the room where he was standing at the map hung up.

He went off about the unsub’s possible comfort zone -- things that I’d need him to repeat later because I wasn’t fully listening,

I stayed leaning against the table, just two feet behind him which gave me a perfect view of just how tight those pants really were. They hugged his hips deliciously, I wanted nothing more than to rip them off in that moment. I nodded along dumbly, changing my sight from his ass to his back, to his toned arms that were shown off from him rolling up his sleeves.

It was a fair sight, I don’t really think I could be blamed for staring.

A few weeks after that he got a haircut. His longer curls were gone -- yet not forgotten -- and were replaced with a mop of messy waves that framed his face perfectly.

It was like a new blow to my stomach every time I got used to the change.

“New haircut?” I asked the obvious on the first day back from a long weekend.

“Yeah...thought I should change it up,” Spencer replied, picking up his coffee mug to make himself a cup.

I nodded, the room settling in a short silence.

“Do you not like it?”

“No!” I exclaimed, Spencer furrowing his brows in response. “I mean, yes. I do like it. Sorry.”

“Oh, okay,” he laughed. “Thank you.”

“You could pull off any hairstyle, trust me,” I said, before walking back to my desk.

People that we met seemed to feel the same, because he got stopped more often at bars and at shops that were needed to visit. People would give him their numbers, leaving him a blushing mess. It got obnoxious, to the point where I was at my breaking point. My shoulders were always slumped, and my forehead creased with jealousy.

I stayed closer to him when the team went out, in an effort to get other girls to stop making moves on him.

They hadn’t noticed his beauty before, why should they get the privilege to advance on him now?

It was selfish, really. It may have been good for his self-confidence, but not so good for my own feelings.

I made sure to compliment him more often, telling him I liked his sweater vests, and ‘oh my Doctor Reid, is that a new tie?’ It was a win-win really, for both of us. I was building up my comfort level with him, and he knew that I did not, in fact, despise him.

When Spencer got shot on a case a few weeks later, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to show him that I care about him.

It was an easy job, since the bullet only semi-grazed his shoulder blade. Only needed deep cleaning once a night, for a few weeks so it wouldn’t get infected.

“Fuck,” he breathed with a groan, one that sent shivers throughout my veins.

“Sorry,” I answered quickly, keeping my gaze on the task at hand and not on his face that was just so close to mine.

Here I was in Spencer’s apartment, in his bathroom, helping him clean off his wound.

“I’m sorry but you need to stop moving, it’s just making things worse,” I explained.

“It hurts!”

“I’m sure it does! But I can’t do an effective job in cleaning it if you keep thrashing around like that.”

I saw him pout, and lower his head. The gears in his brain were turning, trying to come up with a possible solution.

“You’re going to need to hold me down.”

“What?!”

“I’m not gonna be able to stop moving,” he said, looking over his shoulder to where I was sitting behind him on the floor. “Come on.”

He stood up and left the room, gesturing for me to follow. And I did, collecting the supplies I’d need as he led me over to his living room.

Before I could protest he removed his shirt fully -- not like how it was bunched up by his neck previously.

I stopped in my tracks, eyes taking in every inch of skin that he freed. He was lean, as I predicted, but still toned in areas.

Spencer laid on his stomach down on the couch, motioning for me to come beside him.

“Get on my back.”

“Are you insane?”

“____,” he pleaded, looking up at me. His arms were crossed by his head, he was using them as a makeshift pillow. “I just want this to be over as fast as it can be.”

Right.

“Okay,” I agreed, and began to place my materials down on the coffee table to my right. I then swung a leg over his lower back, straddling him just how I’d imagine doing so before -- only the other way around. “Is this okay?”

He hummed, digging his face as far into the fabric of the couch as he could.

‘I got a lotta new tricks for you, baby

Just sayin' I'm flexible (I will)’

I took that as a yes, and poured some of the disinfectant onto a swab. Bracing myself with a hand on his other shoulder to pin him down firmly he shivered, breath shaking ever so slightly. I tried to catch him off guard with the swab, choosing a random time to press it into his wound.

He was definitely surprised, because he whined loudly into his hands and clenched all of the muscles in his back.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he made similar noises during other activities…

“Just a minute more,” I soothed him, running my free hand over the smooth skin of his back, doing my best to calm him down.

His breathing only became heavier, and was nearly shaking from the burn. I felt bad, having to see him go through this but I’d be lying if it wasn’t doing things to me. I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited when I got the chance to be near him, to be closer than we had ever been before.

It was intense, I was almost sure he could feel my arousal through the fabric of my pants and underwear.

I was an awful person.

Going home that night to sleep was a struggle. I felt guilty, for using his pain for my perverse temptations. Yet as soon as my fingers were buried inside myself I couldn’t stop myself from imagining him above me. The way he might sound, spewing out similar noises that I’d experienced earlier that were still fresh in my brain.

I wasn’t proud of it, and I thought every one of our interactions after that would be even harder.

Going back to work seemed fully impossible, I didn’t have any hope in myself to stay useful while he was parading around, completely oblivious to the effect he had on me. I became more sexually frustrated every day. It was nearly infuriating to see a look of innocence plastered on his face, meanwhile he would do things that made me go crazy.

‘Wanna know what it's like (like)

Baby, show me what it's like (like)

I don't really got no type (type)

I just wanna fuck all night’

“Penelope, I think I might die soon if I don’t get laid,” I said, rapidly opening the door to her cave.

“____-”

“No, I’m serious. I can’t get my mind off of-”

I stopped in my tracks, finally noticing the presence I hadn’t already accounted for.

Spencer sat in a chair to my left, just out of view that you couldn’t see him if you didn’t turn your head. He was in the middle of bringing a chip up to his mouth, but was stopped mid-air with his mouth hanging open.

“Sorry,” he said, scrambling up fast, bumping into things as he collected his satchel with shaky hands. “Sorry I’ll go.”

The door shut with a slam, and left Penelope and I in silence.

“Well, fuck,” I whispered, earning a booming laugh from her. “It’s not funny.”

“It is funny. It’s hilarious,” she giggled, doing a little spin on her chair.

I groaned, and sat down beside her on the edge of her desk.

“Maybe now he’ll make a move on you.”

“Oh shut up,” I slapped her arm, beginning to laugh along with her. “If he was avoiding me before, I’m sure he’ll never speak to me again.”

Ever since I helped Spencer with his injury the first time he’d been semi ignoring me, not trying to actively partake in conversation. We only talked when necessary, but didn’t exchange any extra words when I came over for an hour to help him with his wound.

I was almost happy about that, it meant I didn’t have to embarrassingly throw myself at him all day long.

I was perfectly fine admiring him from a distance, just how I’d done so for years.

However, there was a part of me that was rightfully sad. Did I cross a line, or make him feel uncomfortable? Maybe from spending so much time together recently he gathered I really wasn’t that interesting.

“Don’t say that,” Penelope frowned.

“Why not? It’s the truth,” I shrugged.

“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?”

“How I feel?”

“Don’t even try and wedge your way out of it. Emily told me, don’t be mad,” she said, with the sweetest look on her face that I couldn’t be upset.

“Bitch,” I playfully mumbled.

“Besides you literally were about to say that you can’t get your mind off of him.”

“Uh, no, I was not. I was going to say someone. A general someone. Not Reid.”

She hummed, turning back to her screen to finish up some work Hotch had sent her to do.

“Okay fine. Pen, I’m gonna die. It’s insufferable. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“That’s exactly why you should tell him!” She encouraged excitedly, always a swooner for young love.

“I would scare him. He’s probably scared of me, actually.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure his little virgin heart can take it.”

“What?” I asked, suddenly giving her all my attention. “Virgin? Is he seriously a virgin?”

“I don’t know, truly. I just kinda figured. He doesn’t talk about anyone or anything to do with sex.”

I nodded. That makes sense. With him radiating pure sex appeal in my eyes, the thought never even crossed my mind that he might be a virgin.

But that just made it all the more exciting.

“But hey, if he’s really a 27 year old virgin I’m sure he’s extremely horny,” she laughed.

“We are at work. Let’s calm it down before I actually combust,” I shook my head.

My palms were sweating at the very thought of him doing anything remotely sexual -- which I thought about a lot. Surely he’s had to at least...taken care of himself. I’m sure it was a gorgeous sight, his hand wrapped firmly around his dick and face contorted in nothing but pleasure.

My thoughts were interrupted by none other than the man himself, who barged into the room to say we were taking off for a case in 30.

The flight there was quiet and boring, we left at night so there wasn’t so much we could do when we got there besides head up to our hotel.

“We’re sharing a room,” Spencer said, walking over to me from where he was previously with Derek.

I was standing in front of the vending machine, doing my very best to not eavesdrop on the mens’ conversation, which was only taking place about 20 feet away. Spencer was speaking in a hushed yet agitated tone, and Derek was matching his energy. It seemed they were bickering, but about what I didn’t know.

“Says who?” I panicked.

“Uhh...Hotch did.”

Great.

“Oh. Alright,” I followed him down the hallway, our room was the last one at the end.

I waited for him to open the door, and when he stepped out of the way to let me inside I brushed past him.

When I turned around Spencer was standing there blocking my path, causing me to bump into his chest.

“Hello...” I said confused, taking a step back.

“I…”

“What?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. “Spencer what are you doing?”

He didn’t answer with words, instead reaching up to push a piece of hair out of my face. My breath hitched at the contact, sending me into a short frenzy on the inside. He was inching closer, now his body was getting just close enough so that I could feel the heat radiating off of him. He was glancing back and forth between my eyes, searching my face for an expression of discomfort.

He didn’t find any.

“I was talking with Derek. About you,” he whispered. “He said you’ve been coming on to me.”

My heart nearly missed a beat at his words.

“I've noticed your odd behaviour, you don’t act the way you do with anyone else on the team. You run away from me, and at first I thought you just didn’t like me, but now...I think it’s the opposite. I see the way you look at me, you know.”

“And how do I look at you?” I questioned nervously.

“Like you want me. Tell me. Who were you talking about earlier today? Who exactly can’t get your mind off of?”

I paused, eyes almost bulging out of my head at the implication.

“If I'm reading this wrong, let me know. We can pretend this never happened.”

“Get on the bed and take your clothes off.”

He did just that, moving beside me to shove his pants down his legs, followed by ripping off his shirt, as I did the same. We couldn’t take our eyes off of each other, too busy drinking in our appearances to think straight. He sat down on the edge of the bed in just his underwear, and spread his legs just wide enough to give me space to stand between them.

“Tell me what you want.” he breathed, watching me as I walked towards him.

“You,” I answered simply, climbing into his lap and connecting my mouth was his. “All of you.”

He didn’t protest, only doing quite the opposite. He moaned greedily into my mouth, sucking every last bit of life out of me. He was hungry in his movements, not allowing for a single beat of fresh air for either of us. I was more than happy to return the energy, for I’ve dreamt for too long about what he might taste like. And it wasn’t disappointing, the sensation was far better than I could have ever cooked up in my head.

After a minute he became impatient, and started bucking his hips up to meet mine. I did the same, grinding down on his hardening dick that felt...impressive to say the least.

“I’ve thought about you for so long,” I spoke against his lips, taking a break between kisses.

He groaned back at me, moving his hands from my cheeks down to my hips to hold me flush against himself. He whimpered when I was fully against him, he had to break away to keep his breathing somewhat managed.

“Please, I need you so bad. I’ve thought about you too.”

“What exactly did you think about?” I asked quietly, trailing kisses all across his face, and then started heading down his jaw and neck.

“L-lots of stuff.”

“Tell me,” I demanded, looking up at him from my new position kneeling on the floor. “Please, tell me.”

I brought a hand up to his boxers, ghosting just over his bulge while remaining eye contact.

“Everything. All of you. ____, Please.”

‘You're exciting, boy, come find me

Your eyes told me, "Girl, come ride me"’

“Let me do something first,” I said, pushing against his stomach to encourage him to lie back on the bed. He did so, propping himself up on his forearms to look down at me.

He watched my every move, not a second was missed by his eyes that stayed locked onto my form. I dropped my head down to kiss across his left thigh, and toyed with the waistband of his underwear with my right hand.

He was so vocal, and I hadn’t even done anything yet. I knew we had all night, but I’d waited too long for this to take my time.

‘And we got a lotta time (time)

Baby, come throw the pipe (pipe)’

I pulled his underwear down just enough to reveal his dick hard and red as it stood up against his stomach.

“You don’t...have to,” Spencer stopped me before I could carry on.

“Do you not want me to?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just…” He stopped, and bit his lip while staring off to one of the walls.

“Has anyone ever done this with you before?” I asked, almost unsure of whether or not I wanted the answer.

“Done what...exactly?” he asked, refusing to look back at me. His cheeks were red in embarrassment, and he was too focused on the distance to see the wave of excitement that flashed over my face.

“Spencer,” I said sharply, prompting him to turn his attention back to me. “Are you a virgin?”

His lack of answer told me enough. He blushed impossibly deeper, and started squirming in place. Just as he was about to speak up for himself I stopped him with, “That’s so fucking hot.”

“What?”

I climbed back up his body, just far enough so that I could grab his jaw in my hand and pull him down to meet my lips. It was even more hungry and passionate than the previous ones we shared, full of such fire I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to kiss anyone else ever again.

“You’re so sexy,” I moaned, hot and needy into his mouth.

He was good, which wasn’t unexpected from my end. His lips were always so plump and pink, they just had to be semi skilled.

“Thank you,” he replied, in a typical Spencer Reid fashion.

“Do you want to stop? Or keep going? Take a minute and think about it. I don’t want to pressure you,” I reassured him, but on the inside I was begging for him to want to continue.

He pulled back for a second, running a hand over the back of my head to keep me from going too far. His eyes were closed, focusing only on his breathing as he thought about his answer.

“I want to keep going. Please,” he decided on, nodding his head. “I just, I dunno, didn’t expect to get this far tonight.”

“Believe me, neither did I,” I smirked, smashing my lips back against his and returning to my spot kneeling between his legs. I pushed him back harder than before, sending a small oof sound from his chest as his back hit the mattress.

“Has anyone ever touched you here?” I asked, finally wrapping my hand around his dick,

It only made sense that a pretty boy like him would have a pretty cock, too.

“O-only once,” he breathed, with his head thrown back. He was staring at the ceiling, staring at the dots to distract himself from the feeling and to not come too soon. “Long time ago.”

“If you need me to stop, tell me,” I said, before licking a broad strip up the underside of his dick.

I paused at the head, swirling my tongue around before continuing my mission back down around the other side. I kissed his base, leaving more near his hips. He whined positively -- probably feeling a little ticklish -- and I took that as a good sign to suck a deep purple mark there.

Just like I’d thought about doing months ago.

I left a few more just up to his belly button, marking him up with the intent to claim him as my own. He’d see those marks for the next few days, and every time he would think of me on my knees for him. I kept pumping him in my hand as I did so, and every time I groaned into his skin his dick twitched with appreciation.

“Oh god,” Spencer moaned as I took him into my mouth unexpectedly, bunching up the sheets in his hands beside his hips.

I looked up to see him now staring down at me, jaw slacked and panting heavily. The sight was enough to elicit a moan from my own mouth, which led to him fluttering his eyes shut at the vibrations that shot through his body.

“Stop, stop!”

“What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly, immediately pulling up.

“Nothing, I just really want to feel you and I don’t think I can last much longer.”

Understandable.

I wasn’t expecting him to last long anyways, I just simply wanted him inside me.

“Do you happen to have a condom?” He shook his head. “I’m clean and on the pill. We should be fine. Is that okay?”

He mumbled an ‘uh huh’ as he watched me stand up, as I pushed my underwear down my legs. He immediately reached out to me, bringing me back in and starting placing kisses across my stomach and hips, mirroring what I was doing to him earlier.

“Good, because if you don’t fuck me right now I think I might die.”

‘Yeah-yeah, oh-whoa-whoa (oh, ooh, mmm)

Baby, I need to know, mmm (yeah, need to know)’

He laughed lightheartedly, fixing himself to be sitting up near the headboard. In the process he kicked off his boxers fully, along with his socks.

I followed after him, not letting him stray too far from my reach.

“I heard that women take longer to, erm, get ready,” he muttered into my skin, hiding his face in my neck. “Let me help you?”

“Please,” I whimpered, though I knew I was far from unprepared. I reached behind myself to unclasp my bra, and as soon as it fell down my shoulders Spencer attached his mouth to my left nipple. “Please touch me.”

He moaned into me, bringing his hand down to my core to run his fingers through my folds. He let his middle breach me, moving so agonizingly slow before curling his finger up. I moaned loudly, letting my eyes shut and body fall slack against him. His free arm wrapped around my waist, giving me the support I needed to stay upright.

“So that’s your g-spot?” He grinned against my skin, and I’d be damned to admit it affected me way more than it should have. He sounded so innocent, so eager to learn.

“Uh-huh.”

He explored my skin greedily, brushing over every inch of my chest he could reach. His thrusts became faster every time he re-entered me, encouraged by the grunt that fell from my lips with each one.

“Have you ever done this with a girl before?”

“No,” he replied, moving from my breasts to my collarbone, leaving a dark purple mark in his path.

“Could've fooled me,” I felt him smile against my neck at the praise -- duly noted.

He flipped us over swiftly -- much to my surprise -- and continued with his actions on both my clit and entrance. I did my best to stay quiet, biting down on his shoulder to prevent any noises from leaking out to stop him from getting too cocky.

“Spencer,” I moaned, raking my fingernails up and down his back. “Stop. Please fuck me now, I’m ready.”

“Are you sure you want to? We can stop,” he reassured me in a voice that seemed far too innocent for the activities taking place.

“Spencer, I’m sure. I’m so fucking sure you have no idea.”

I was so turned on I could cry, the pure want running through my veins was starting to send panic signals throughout my whole body. Before I could beg him any further he replaced his fingers with his dick, catching me off guard. He ran the tip over me for a few seconds before gliding in easily, with little to no restriction at all.

“Ah!” I called, gripping onto his shoulder for dear life.

“I’m so sorry, oh my god did I hurt you?” Spencer asked frantically, removing his weight from me and tried sitting up.

“No. God please move, I need you so bad,” I pleaded, pulling him back down before he could get too far away.

He nodded. He started slow. So slowly that I wanted to scream and beg at the top of my lungs for more. However I was above giving him the satisfaction of that -- at least for now.

“You feel so good,” Spencer panted, hips shaking as he slid in and out at a torturous pace.

I pulled his lips back to mine for another kiss, drinking in everything he was willing to offer. I whined every time his body rubbed against my clit in a way that had my toes curling and eyes rolling back.

“This is so much better than I’ve imagined,” I moaned, breaking free from his mouth to lay back against the pillows. I wrapped my legs around his waist, aiding him with the speed of his thrusts. “Please, Spence, oh my god go harder.”

He moaned loudly, and lowered his head to my collarbone in an effort to muffle some of the noises he was letting out.

He followed my directions well -- and I took notes for the future.

The sounds of him bouncing off the walls was amplifying my pleasure to a new degree, it was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. His hips snapped forward impossibly faster, leaving him a whimpering mess above me. Our chests were pressed together, the sound of skin slapping and gliding over each other filled the dimly lit room.

“You’re doing so good for me,” I whispered into his neck, leaving open mouthed kisses here and there.

He moaned freely at all of the praise, and every time I urged him on he’d pick up his speed a little bit. He was now moving faster than I thought I could handle, slamming into me at the perfect angle.

I felt him everywhere. In my stomach, insides of my thighs, chest -- where he was now palming at one of my breasts -- and the crook of my neck. I hugged my arms around his middle to keep him locked against me, preventing his hips from heavily backing out.

“I’m really close,” He groaned, lifting his head to meet my eyes. “S-should I pull out now?”

“No,” I demanded, tightening my legs to keep him trapped. “Come inside me.”

He nodded with a particularly loud moan, and snaked one hand down my body to meet my clit. When I gave a sound of approval he quickened his wrist, rubbing me with just the right amount of pressure to send me closer to the edge.

He came with a final shout in my name, resting his full body weight against me as I rocked my him against him to help him through it. I finished soon after, at the feeling of him releasing himself in me. It was so warm, like a comforting blanket that overtook all of my senses.

It was possibly the best orgasm I’d ever had, it was so profound that I couldn’t see, or focus on anything else.

We laid there for a few minutes, my hand running through his hair and his ghosting up the side of my hip. It took a while for us both to catch our breaths, we were too immersed in the moment to break apart from one another.

“That was literally the best sex I’ve had in my life,” I breathed, staring up at the ceiling.

“Same, but I don’t have anything to compare it to,” Spencer replied, and we both laughed weakly.

“That was okay for you? Your first time? Not really the traditional approach.”

“It was perfect. I wouldn’t have asked for anything different,” he pulled himself up with a smile, before pulling out and flopping down beside me.

“But seriously,” I sat up, resting my head on my palm to get a better view of him. “I’ve never been so attracted to someone as I am with you.”

“____,” he blushed. “I-”

“No! No, let me finish. Please.”

He nodded for me to go ahead.

“Not only are you just insanely sweet and so charming, you’re so handsome. Like I can hardly even look at you half the time. You drive me insane, Spencer you have no idea. Holy fuck I’ve never wanted someone so bad before I met you. You’re intoxicating. I can’t get enough. I’ll cringe about this later but I just need you to know.”

“This may not be the most common way...but do you want to go out with me? L-like on a date?” Spencer asked. He was blushing so heavily, his chest was painted pink and ears were turned red.

“You just came inside of me and you’re nervous about asking me on a date.”

“____!” Spencer exclaimed, facepalming himself.

“Yes,” I grinned. “I’d love to go out with you.”

-----

Please tell me your thoughts on this chapter here! You can also send me an ask to be added to/removed from the taglist.

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[midgardianweasley]

I‘d love to see you write an angsty fanfic with Natasha x reader (male or female is up to you) with a bad ending of your choice.

No pressure of course ✨

as requested Violet!! I hope it's okay<3

How could you do this to me?

Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Summary: Natasha hasn’t been around recently and Y/N’s been really missing her company, but that changes when some CCTV footage is discovered.

Warnings: Cheating, swearing.

Word Count: 3.6k

there was an attempted proof read, but sorry in advance if i've missed anything!!

message/ask to be added to the taglist<3

Requests are open!

You weren’t surprised when you woke up to an empty bed once again, the space beside you missing a red-head assassin. You’d grown used to the sight of bedsheets spread lazily on your side of the bed, almost completely thrown off of the edge. It wasn’t unusual, however, the feeling of disappointment that lingered in your chest every morning never eased with time.

‘I’m just off to train, baby.’

‘I need to go and see Fury about this next mission, you go back to sleep’

‘I forgot to debrief the team last night, so we need to have a meeting this morning instead.’

‘Off to get some breakfast, my love. I’ll save you some eggs.’

Those were the typical reasons you received whenever you questioned where she was going in such a hurry in the mornings. You knew she was busy, of course you did. But, you missed the mornings when she’d pull you back into her chest, refusing to let you leave until you gave her a few kisses, which never ended up just being kisses, but you always gave in either way.

Now that you think of it, you can’t remember the last time she held you. Not properly. She used to hold you in a death grip, so tight that you could almost feel her heartbeat in your own chest. Nowadays, you were lucky to get more than a few taps on the back, it felt like you were being congratulated for something.

You’d always brushed it off, thinking that you must’ve been selfish for wanting so much of her attention, you had to be more understanding of how demanding her job is. It wasn’t like you never tried, you did, everyday. It would just be nice to feel her love for you a little more, even if it was just a quick peck before she left in the mornings.

“Hey Wan’, Hey Vis” You smiled at the pair as they stood at the kitchen counter, cracking eggs and buttering some toast. They loved cooking together, Wanda always told you how cute it was when Vision was trying to learn, especially after his fiasco with the Paprika.

“Hi Y/N, want something to eat?” Wanda handed you some toast, which you took gratefully, slowly munching on it.

Vision looked up as though to engage in conversation, when he then looked around in confusion. “Where’s Ms. Romanoff?”. You shrugged.

“I’m not sure, I think she’s training, I’ve not heard from her yet.”

You were looking at Vision, but it was near impossible to miss the sympathetic look Wanda was giving you. She knew about how you’d been feeling with Natasha not being around so much, she had tried to help, to hint to Nat that you’d been feeling a bit neglected for a while now, but she hadn’t gotten very far.

“Nat, nat, I just think that maybe you should spend a little more time with Y/N” It was obvious the assassin wasn’t listening to her, shrugging it off and trying to walk past the witch, only to have a hand pressed on her chest to push her backwards.

“Wanda, I need to go, I'm running late.”

“you’re always running somewhere. I'm sure Fury, or Tony or whoever you’re in such a rush to see, can wait. You haven’t seen your girlfriend in forever.”

“I saw her last night.”

“Crawling into bed in the early hours of the morning and sleeping next to her, isn’t seeing her, Nat.”

Her words fell on deaf ears as she watched her friend turn around and walk the other way. She could’ve used her powers to stop her, she didn’t see a point though. She wasn’t listening, and she couldn’t force her to.

“It's fine though, honestly! I can hang out with you guys today if you’re not busy?”

the couple shared a look of awkwardness before looking back towards you.

“Actually, we were going to go into town and do some sightseeing. You’re welcome to join us though!” She smiled, not wanting you to be alone, which you were grateful for, but you couldn’t intrude.

“No no, don’t worry! I think I've got something Tony wanted me to check out in the Lab, now that I think about it.” You didn’t. “You guys have fun though! take pictures!” You winked, knowing full well that your best friend didn’t believe you, she hesitated before nodding her head in agreement and beginning to walk off with Vision in tow.

__________________

An hour or so went by, you still hadn’t seen Natasha at all, or anyone, really. They all seemed to have disappeared to do their own thing, leaving you to find yours. So, you found yourself wandering into your lab, where you found Tony observing the screens with an endless amount of data changing every couple of seconds. You never really understood how he made sense of it all so quickly, but you’d always been intrigued nonetheless.

He must’ve sensed someone was there, as he broke away from his train of thought and glanced over towards you, fully acknowledging how your shoulders were slumped and your eyes lacked your usual sparkle. Tony alway had a soft spot for you, he’d known you for years, taking on a role similar to a father’s. Seeing you look so defeated recently, it’d hurt him a little more than he cared to admit.

Gesturing for you to come in with a gentle smile before moving and adjusting various chunks of metal on the table in the centre of the lab.

“Ah ah!” He tapped the bridge of his nose

“You can’t be serious! Tony I-”

“Nope”

“I’m a grown woman!” You laughed in disbelief at his

“Yes, you are, and I do not plan on taking said grown woman to medical because she got a shot of electricity through her eyeball. Put them on.”

You rolled your eyes, picking up a pair of the obnoxiously large lab goggles and put them over your face. He really took being a ‘father figure’ too seriously sometimes. With your goggles on, you took yourself over to where he stood, hoping to help him out somehow and keep yourself occupied.

You watched him move around blueprints on the screen above. “So, whatcha working on?”

“Well, remember that last mission we went on? How that ended?”

“Well, considering I had to get bullets removed for the last two hours, I’d say I remember pretty well.”

His face cringed slightly “Yeah, that’s the one. I’m basically just trying to layer the suits more, but keep the weight to a minimum so that there’s more protection, but the speed and mobility is almost, if not, the same.” He pondered, mind wandering off again to try and figure out how he could make this work.

Suddenly springing to action, he started assembling some pieces together, chucking some aside and reaching for different tools he required.

Looking towards you, he tilted his head “Can you pass me the-”

His sentence was interrupted. “Hey Tony, hey-” Banner. You didn’t mind Bruce, he was always quite quiet and polite most of the time, a little awkward, but, when you have a literal Hulk inside of you, it’s probably the least of your concerns.

You waved at the Avenger. “Hi Bruce” You gave him a friendly smile, for it to be returned with an awkward gaze, which he tried to quickly shove off.

“Yeah, uh, hi, Y/N. W-what brings you here?”

“Oh, no particular reason, I wanted something to do so I thought I'd come down, just pay a visit.” He nodded, acknowledging your words but appearing a little on edge, almost.

“Hey, you okay?” You asked “You look a little pale?”

“Yeah, yeah n-no I'm fine, just a-a bit tired.” He stuttered before suddenly directing his attention towards the man standing beside you. “How’s it coming along, Ton’?”

“Not bad, I have a wonderful assistant to help me out.” he nudged you playfully.

“Haha, yeah. She’s great. Anyways, you seem to have a good hold on things, so, I’ll leave you to it and come back later.”

Neither of you had managed to get a word out before Banner had walked out and was already out of sight. You turned to face Tony again.

“Was that- did you find that weird at all?”

“I find most of the people in this compound weird.”

It was a serious question, but you couldn’t help but let out a laugh at the millionaire’s response.

“I do pride myself on it.”

“As you should. You’re the weirdest one.”

“Hey!” You slapped his arm. “Rude!”

“I’m kidding! Now, pass me that screwdriver, goggles.”

Chuckling, you threw him the screwdriver and zoned out thinking about Bruce’s weird behaviour. While Tony was right, the majority of us are weird. You couldn’t stop thinking about how unusual it was, even for him. You put it to the back of your mind though, focusing back on what the man beside you was working on. You’re sure it’s fine.

________________________

You thought you were going crazy. First you had Nat, who was disappearing every chance she got, Then you had Bruce who couldn’t look you in the eye and when you finally believed it couldn’t get any weirder, you picked up on some strange vibes from Steve.

“Oh finally! I was beginning to think no one else actually lives here.” You approached Steve who seemed to be walking and talking with Bruce, both taking a step back when they looked towards you.

“Hey Y/N, we were just-”

“We were just about to go and have a shower. Training.” Steve cut in, earning himself a glare and a shake of the head from the scientist beside him, subtle, so you hadn’t noticed, otherwise you would’ve questioned it.

“Oh? You were training too, Bruce?”

“Well, I-” He glanced at Steve. “Yeah. Yeah, I, uh, wanted to get some combat down, just in case I needed it.”

“Considering our last mission, I think we all should.” the super soldier quickly added, sending you an enthusiastic smile, which you had returned. You went to speak again, possibly inquiring as to whether or not they knew where your girlfriend was, but you hadn't had the chance as the pair of them quickly rushed off, muttering something about catching you later, leaving you on your own, once again.

What the hell was going on?

_____________________

Feeling defeated, you trudged your way into your bedroom, just wanting to shower, get into bed and sleep, and hope for some form of normality.

What you hadn’t expected, was to walk in and see the back of a familiar figure sporting the black suit she practically lived in, tying her hair into a low bun and beginning to change into some more comfortable clothes.

You were dating, so it wasn’t new to see Nat changing, but you still thought it would be decent to make her aware of your presence. The small “ahem” was enough to make her spin round and flash you a smile, her pearly white teeth on show.

“Hi babe, i’m just changing for bed. You okay?”

The words felt so unfamiliar to you, having not heard them in what felt like forever. Still, you decided to humour it.

“Yeah, yeah I'm okay. A bit of a weird day is all.”

She laughed, returning to laying out her clothes. “Well, we are surrounded by some weird people.”

“That’s what Tony said.”

There was an atmosphere in the air that you couldn’t quite pinpoint. It had always felt comfortable with Natasha, you would describe her company as being like a safety blanket, enveloping you with warmth and a sense of security. This felt different. It didn’t feel familiar anymore, it was like you were face to face with a stranger and the more you looked at her, the more it upset you.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Natasha put her palms on your cheeks, bringing your Y/E/C eyes to meet her emerald ones in the process. You hadn’t realised that tears had fallen until the pad of her thumbs gently brushed them away.

“I just, it sounds so stupid.”

“Tell me.”

You let out a sigh, eyes beginning to dart around the room. “It just feels like I’ve never seen you, I don’t remember the last time we’ve spoken and it’s, it’s been lonely.” Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion at your response, lips falling into a frown, but you were quick to speak again.

“It hasn’t just been you though, I understand that work gets in the way, but, it felt like some members of the team were acting differently around me.”

“Really? Like who?”

“Well, I mean, Bruce could barely bring himself to say anything more than a sentence to me and I tried to speak to Steve just before I came here and he rushed off like his life depended on it. I don’t know, maybe I’m just being a bit paranoid.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing, Detka, I wouldn’t worry about it.” She whispered, hands pulling you forward with ease to bring your lips together. You smiled at the contact, you’d missed it.

You were so caught up in it, that you hadn’t noticed you were the only one smiling.

It wasn’t long before the both of you were interrupted by an electronic voice in the room.

“Miss Romanoff, Miss Y/L/N.” It was F.R.I.D.A.Y. “Mr Stark is asking for you both in the conference room.”

“Alright, thanks F.R.I.D.A.Y., we’re on our way.” Your girlfriend replied, rushing away from the kiss and leading you to the door.

Why was everyone in such a rush today?

_______________________

“So, I was messing around with some things in the lab, and I think I've found a solution to our suit issue. It’s still a work in progress because I'll need to tweak some things and then tailor them blah blah blah, but I thought I'd show you guys the latest. JARVIS?”

“Bringing up footage 182.”

While you waited for the video to be up and running, you took note of everyone sitting around you. For the most part, they looked tired, though you don’t blame them, it was pretty late.

Shuffling to your left, you held Natasha’s hand in yours, sending her a loving gaze before resting your head on her shoulder, just content that she was close by. She sat a little straighter at the action, careful not to push you off of her, but not entirely relaxing either.

The large tv screen lit up, a view from the corner of the lab came into sight where you could see Tony installing different wires and pieces of loose metal into the suit, watching it light up as he did so. He was in the middle of explaining what he was doing as the recording went on, when the screen suddenly turned to static, black and white lines taking over the screen.

“JARVIS?”

“Minor technical issue, working on it, Mr Stark.”

You caught Wanda’s eye across the table, a playful smirk plastered onto her face at the mishap, watching the billionaire get stressed over a television. You couldn’t help but laugh at the words flying from his mouth as he started hitting the remote, as if he was someone who didn’t understand technology.

It wasn’t long before an image appeared back on the screen, however, this wasn’t the same recording. This is from the gym. It focused on one of the square mats in the middle of the room where two people were sparring. One of which, you immediately recognised as Natasha.

The other person definitely wasn’t a girl, their hair was short and muscles so big you were worried that one slice would be the end. It zoomed in a little, and from the blonde hair and dark blue outfit, you pieced together who it was.

“Oooh, Black Widow and the SuperSoldier, one vs one. Now this should be interesting.” A previously tired looking Sam clapped his hands and leaned forward, now fully invested in the scene in front of him.

You turned to Nat, who now looked a little paler than she did before.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost, don’t tell me, you lost this spar?” You joked, expecting her to join in and tease you back. Instead, her face displayed an emotion you weren’t entirely sure of.

Before you could question it, you noticed the room fall silent. Not even a breath could be heard in the room. Your head turned slowly, meeting a mixture of shocked and sympathetic faces. And that was when you saw it.

Nat had kissed Steve, and he didn’t stop her.

If you weren't aware of your heartbeat before, you couldn’t be now, for it felt like it had completely stopped. Your jaw fell as your eyes filled with tears, only worsening the longer you saw the two of them on the screen. It was only turned off when a third person walked into view, not needing to ponder on who it could be, you immediately faced guilty stares. Three of them.

“You- you kissed-” You stuttered, incapable of forming a sentence towards your teammate. “And, you knew?” Your voice broke, tears now beginning to find their way down your cheeks for the second time as Bruce couldn’t bring himself to answer you.

You swiftly rose out of your seat, attempting to keep yourself composed until you could be alone.

“Baby-” Natasha murmured, trying to take hold of your hand, which you snatched back before she could lay a finger on it.

“Don’t.”

“Please-”

“Leave me alone.” You spat, speed walking out of what now felt like an overcrowded room.

You didn’t hear it, you’d left too early, but if you had stayed, you would’ve heard the team give Nat and Steve the scolding of their lives, mainly from Wanda and Tony, telling them how disappointed they were in them both. How they’d be lucky if you were to forgive them for what they did.

________________________

You don’t know how long you’d been sitting on your shared bed for. It could’ve been an hour, it could’ve been a couple of minutes. All you knew, was that you couldn’t stay in this room much longer, looking at the picture frames and the shared wardrobe, it just felt painful.

So, you walked over to your wardrobe and gathered every item of your clothing into your arms, lacking any care for if there were hangers or labels in the way, and chucked them on the bed and started to chuck it all into a suitcase intended for holidays but, you don’t see that happening anytime soon.

The sound of sniffles and rustling was all you could hear in the room, so much so that it was suffocating, and it didn’t help when you heard the door creak open.

“What are you doing?” A voice squeaked. Natasha stood beside the door, fidgeting with her fingers as she anxiously bounced from one foot to the other. You didn’t even bother to look up in her direction, focusing solely on getting out of there as soon as you could.

“Baby, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened, I didn’t mean it.” You scoffed at her attempt at an explanation. “I love you.”

That’s what made you whip your head to see her red and puffy eyes, if this was any other situation, you would’ve rushed over and engulfed her in a hug, tell her that everything would be okay and you’re there for her. Now? All you felt was anger.

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have kissed him.”

“I didn’t know-”

You stood up straight, almost laughing at her choice of words. “You didn’t know? Bullshit. I’m pretty fucking sure everyone is aware when they kiss someone. Did you know when you were kissing me then? Or did you not know that either?”

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“I don’t think I care.”

She tries to step closer to you, only for you to take one back, holding your hand out, indicating for her to stop.

“No. no, you know what Nat, you don’t get to do this. You don’t get to treat me like a stranger for weeks, like I'm sharing a bed with someone I don’t know, for you to then kiss someone else and expect me to forgive you. You have no idea how I've felt these past weeks, blaming myself and thinking I was selfish for wanting your time. It’s funny, really.”

She looked away from you, regret taking over her features, both of you now having tear stains covering your rosy red cheeks.

You broke the silence once again. “Was that the first time?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Y/N-” She pleaded

“Answer the question, Natasha.” You spoke through gritted teeth.

Silence returned to the four walls.

“Get out.”

“No, no, we-” She stepped forward, only to halt herself when she realised what she was doing.

“There is no ‘we’. We’re done. I’ll have my stuff moved back into my room by tonight, though I'm sure it won’t make much of a difference to you.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Whatever.”

She walked out of the room, hesitating slightly, wondering if it’s worth staying and trying to figure out whatever this is. She shook her head to herself, knowing she’d fucked up. There wasn’t a fight anymore. It was done.

Collapsing on the bed, the feeling washed over you again as the finality of it all set in. You didn’t stop though. You packed your clothes, your perfumes, all of your loose hair ties and left the room with only one thought on your mind.

Natasha won’t even notice the difference.

Taglist: @natashas-favourite-knives @wandaromanova

[robininthelabyrinth]

🧿🤠🐇🍲🍯: Nie Huaisang hasn’t found anyone to do the body sacrifice ritual for him, and so in desperation he tries it himself. However, the ritual was not designed with a Nie cultivator in mind—something Nie Huaisang does not realize until he’s doubled over on the floor, far too close to a qi deviation, because his (admittedly tiny) saber spirit has been replaced with Wei Wuxian.

ao3

Well, that was the dumbest thing ever.

The thought so closely matched Wei Wuxian’s that he didn’t even notice that it wasn’t his own.

How could you be so stupid? Wei Wuxian tried to shout at Nie Huaisang, who was curled up gasping on the floor. The floor, which was stained with Nie Huaisang's own blood, with cuts he had made himself on himself, with the ancient body sacrifice summoning that – that –

Don’t you realize that you’d be gone? You absolute idiot! Wei Wuxian howled, even though he wasn’t actually a person right now. He didn’t know what he was, a ghost or spirit, maybe, but he was there and he was angry and Nie Huaisang’s arms were covered in blood from where he’d cut himself up in order to destroy his own soul – Nie Huaisang, the mincing sensitive little master who would complain for three weeks about having stubbed his toe! – and his robes that he had always taken such great care to keep clean and neat were a mess and he was bleeding from the nose and eyes and ears because something had gone wrong. Something had gone wrong, and Wei Wuxian hated to be grateful for it because he didn’t want to be brought back by Nie Huaisang’s death.

Not anyone’s death, really, but definitely not Nie Huaisang, who’d never hurt him or treated him badly. Even when the whole world had hated and reviled Wei Wuxian, isolating him in Yiling on the Burial Mounds, Nie Huaisang hadn’t – he’d waved jauntily to him during Phoenix Mountain, and Wei Wuxian had never doubted that if he’d somehow found his way to Qinghe, Nie Huaisang would have treated him just the same as always.

You – you –! You good-for-nothing!

“Don’t be rude,” Nie Huaisang mumbled, slowly uncurling. “Didn’t bring you back to be rude to me.”

You know what you’ve done, then? You could have died!

“Was I supposed to let someone else do it?” Nie Huaisang rubbed at his face with his sleeve, then frowned at the blood on it. “I thought about it, but I really just – couldn’t.”

So you decided to kill yourself?

“It’s like you said, Wei-xiong. I’m a good-for-nothing. I couldn’t – I can’t – I can’t fix this. So why not bring back someone who can?”

Wei Wuxian didn’t have words to express how much that was not all right with him.

Go fix yourself, he ordered. I don't care what 'this' is; I’m not talking to you until you get cleaned up.

“After all that work I did? Wei-xiong…”

Nope! You’re not dying, so you can get cleaned up before we talk, and that’s that. I still can’t believe you nearly – I don’t want it. I’ve never wanted anyone to get hurt for me.

“Wei-xiong, you’re being silly. Who said I did it for you?”

Wei Wuxian would have stared if he had eyes.

“I did it for me,” Nie Huaisang said, and finally he got up properly and staggered over to a basin to start washing himself clean. “Obviously! I'm incredibly self-absorbed. It’s about what I need from you…hey, how did you come back? I thought the ritual only worked if I died.”

It should have, Wei Wuxian agreed, unwillingly intrigued by it. I don’t know, actually. It’s strange: it should have either worked, in which case you’d be dead and I’d be possessing your body, or else not worked at all, in which case I shouldn’t be here.

“I always mess things up.”

No, really, I don’t think you messed this up? The array is perfect. There’s no reason for it not to have worked.

“These cuts won’t heal,” Nie Huaisang observed, looking at his arms. “Did I accidentally curse myself to fulfill my obligations? Ugh, why.”

As the person you were going to impose said obligations on, I’m now going to laugh at you. Hahahahaha –

“Shut up, Wei-xiong. Where are you, anyway? I don’t see any ghostly figures that might be you, and anyway, we’re in the Unclean Realm; there are ghost-repelling arrays in every stone.”

I don’t know, Wei Wuxian said, and then something else said, Ghost-repelling arrays only repel ghosts.

At first Wei Wuxian thought that it was Nie Huaisang who had said that, and he was about to ask what he meant by that, only Nie Huaisang got there first and said, “What do you mean, Wei-xiong? Are you not a ghost?”

I didn’t say that, Wei Wuxian said. That – wasn’t me.

“Who was it?”

Me.

“…Wei-xiong…?”

No, that wasn’t me. I mean, it wasn’t me that said ‘me’ just now!

Of course not, the voice said, and it was Wei Wuxian’s voice – or not-voice, anyway, whatever it was that he was using to communicate – but not Wei Wuxian speaking. It was me, of course. Master forgot to account for me in his array.

What? Wei Wuxian asked, utterly confused, but apparently that made more sense to Nie Huaisang because his knees went weak and he fell down on his ass.

“Aituan?” he gasped. “I – what – is that you?”

Yes.

Can I interrupt? Wei Wuxian asked. Who – or what – is Aituan?

“My saber!”

Your – what?!

Nie Huaisang attempted to explain. It ended up being a fairly long explanation, involving his sect’s cultivation style, saber spirits, and his own personal saber spirit, which was named Aituan, and which Nie Huaisang swore up and down did not speak prior to this.

Of course not, the voice now known as Aituan said irritably. Why would I speak? I’m a saber. We’re sensible, not like you humans – but now you’ve shoved a human spirit in with me, so what am I supposed to do? Not use his abilities as my own?

I feel like I should feel violated, Wei Wuxian said.

“When in fact you think it’s really neat?”

…yeah, basically.

Aituan huffed. Can we get back to the part where we plan a murder? he (it?) whined.

Sorry, Aituan, Wei Wuxian said. No murder.

“Uh,” Nie Huaisang said. “Actually, about that…”

-

I think we should kill him.

“I can’t do that!”

Dunno, I think Aituan has a point, Wei Wuxian said. We should probably just kill him.

“You’re supposed to be helping me, Wei-xiong!”

I’m helping! I’m a saber now, I can totally help you stab him.

“Not helpful!”

I like this human, Aituan declared. Good human. Proper blade on his hilt.

You mean head on my shoulders?

Whatever.

Nie Huaisang threw his hands up in annoyance. “Would either of you like to remember the part where I can’t actually fight? San-ge would beat me black and blue if I so much as picked up a pocket-knife in his presence!”

Get someone else to help, Wei Wuxian suggested pitilessly.

“I tried! You!”

Someone else.

“Like who?”

Hmm. Lan Zhan? He’s great.

“I don’t know. He’s er-ge’s brother, isn’t he? He might not believe me…” Nie hUaisang grimaced. “He hasn’t been much inclined to believe me before.”

Why doesn’t the loudmouth do the talking? Aituan suggested.

Oh, that’s a good idea! Lan Zhan was always inclined to listen to me before.

“I thought you said he hated you?”

He still listened!

Nie Huaisang heaved a sigh.

Your other alternative is stabbing your enemy directly, Aituan said. If you’d like to give it a try…

“…I’ll talk to Lan Zhan.”

-

“I can’t believe you’re perving after my saber,” Nie Huaisang complained.

I can’t believe Lan Zhan likes me! I mean, likes me!

I can’t believe I’m still stuck here with you idiots. Can I go share bodies with Baxia instead?

Lan Wangji just looked awkward.

Some people might mistake it for looking noble and genteel, but by now they all knew: it was just him being horribly awkward.

“I have no such intentions,” he said stiffly. “Only – if it was possible for Wei Ying to exit the saber…”

Nie Huaisang grimaced, humor falling away. “I…don’t really know about that.”

Wait, wait, wait. If I can’t – if I’m stuck as a saber – I can’t – but I really want to kiss Lan Zhan! This isn’t fair! I don’t want to have to wait until I reincarnate.

You won’t reincarnate, Aituan said. You’re a saber. Unless we’re melted down or get ground down by time…

No!

“Surely there has to be some way. Aituan, stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution.”

Fine. Let him possess you.

“…what.”

He just needs a human body, right? Let him possess you. Problem solved.

I can do that?

Technically, I can do that, and you can do it because I can do it. But we’d need Master’s permission.

“There are many, many, many books about why you don’t grant your saber permission to possess you. Anyway, that’s my body!”

Yeah, I guess it would be weird for you to kiss Lan Zhan, would it?

“I mean, not really? He’s very pretty. I could swing it.”

You could?

“…you could swing what,” Lan Wangji said.

“Having Wei-xiong possess me,” Nie Huaisang explained. “So that he and you can get the whole missed opportunity thing out of your system.”

Lan Wangji’s face did a few strange things.

"Assuming that it wouldn't be an issue for you, that is, it being me on the other side..."

"No," Lan Wangji said, and cleared his throat. "That would be - fine."

Ooooooh. Does Lan Zhan like you, too?

"What? No. Don't be ridiculous, Lan Zhan doesn't like me like that."

He'd be willing to kiss you.

"Physical attraction isn't the same thing," Nie Huaisang argued. "Lan Zhan, you're with me on this, right? You wouldn't be interested in -"

Lan Wangji cut him off.

A few moments later, he pulled back and said, thoughtfully, "As suspected. It is fine."

Nie Huaisang opened and closed his mouth a few times.

"...well then," he said blankly, then frowned. “Aituan, can I revoke permission for possession?”

No idea. You'd just have to trust that we'd give it back; it's a risk you'd have to take.

“…well, as illustrated, it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever had. Let’s try it, and then once everyone’s a little more focused we can go do what we need to do. Sound good?”

-

“I really didn’t expect you to start a relationship Nie Huaisang,” Lan Xichen said to Lan Wangji, not long before the end. He sounded deeply puzzled. “I didn’t think you liked him like that.”

“Not by himself,” Lan Wangji said with a shrug. “But he’s good in company.”

“…you’re with other people too? Both of you?”

“Mm.”

Lan Xichen, knowing his younger brother’s reticent temper, especially of late, declined to ask who the other parties were. “Doesn’t that make things crowded?” he asked instead.

“…surprisingly no,” Lan Wangji said. “Not as much as you’d think.”

[9tzuyu]

closest to me

prompt: coming out to natasha as nonbinary

note: totally meant to write this months ago, but whateverrrr. and yes, i am aware that not all nb people use they/them, this was just my own little work :p.

warnings: being scared to come out to ur sexy redhead russian of a gf :[

i’d tag but i also don’t want to somehow trigger someone :[

thank u moli for proofreading i love u to the moon and back.

. . .

you’d come out to two of your close friends, ones you knew wouldn’t judge you. they’d taken it just as expected, but that was no surprise when you’d known them your entire life. your shared opinions and thoughts were what brought you together in the first place. 

your friends immediately began using your correct pronouns, and you’d never felt more right in your life. it was refreshing to hear yourself being referred by they/them rather than she/her. their constant support made you feel normal again. after so much struggling, things were finally being put into place.

but there was one person, one very important person whom you hadn’t come out to yet, and that was your girlfriend.

natasha.

the thought of having the conversation alone with her was terrifying. granted, you knew she’d never be anything but supportive, but all the what if’s came flooding through with each attempt you made. 

your fingers trembled as you fiddled with the silver chain around your neck, a nervous habit you’d seemed to form over the years of wearing it. 

god you wanted to tell her so bad.

but as you stood in the kitchen, natasha’s hands around your waist, you began to panic all over again. the familiar fear of judgment wrapped around your throat. 

you didn’t know natasha the majority of your life like you did with friends, so you weren’t really sure what her exact opinions on different pronouns were. sure, she was part of the lgbt community, and of course she was supportive of trans people, but it still made you wonder how she’d feel about pronouns that weren’t he/him or she/her. 

“what’s on your mind, baby? i can practically hear the gears turning in your head.” 

you sighed. natasha always knew when you were lying, so you couldn’t make something up off the top of your head. she wouldn’t force you to talk either though. she’d give a push, but nothing more until you were certain you were ready — or in some cases, when she knew it was becoming too much to bear on your own. 

“just dumb stuff. i’ll get over it soon.” 

natasha nodded against your back, containing her concern for now. “you know i’m here.” she whispered, taking one of your hands away from your necklace.

“want to go downtown? we can look at some of the new shops that just opened up” 

you smiled, “sure.”

for the next few weeks, you weren’t seeming to find any relief though, and natasha picked up on it. she tried her best to make things easier for you, but none of it seemed to work. 

time and time again you reassured her that nothing was wrong, that things would clear up on their own, but another month down the road and natasha could still sense that something was eating away at you.

it’d gotten a little more obvious now. you didn’t go out as much with her when she was with her friends. the constant referral to you as something, or someone, you weren’t was a steady reminder of how outcast you’d originally felt when coming to terms with who you are. 

“she/her” felt like a slap in the face every time you heard it. the words were exhausting, damn near agonizing to hear. but day after day you tried to suck it up out of fear of being rejected by one of the very special people you loved most. 

it wasn’t until one sunday night when natasha came home to you crying in your shared bed when she’d finally had enough. her worry was through the roof and seeing you struggle so much pained her. 

she dropped her keys on the nightstand and crawled into bed behind you, securing her arms tightly around your figure. 

“talk to me. whatever it is, i want to hear about it.”

but that only made you cry harder. you couldn’t help but feel more alienated than you already felt. why were you crying over such a stupid little thing? you could already hear the false words slip from natasha’s lips.

“hey, baby. shh, shh, you’re okay.”

you turned your body to face natasha, teary eyes looking into hers. “you might hate me, or think i’m weird, or a freak, or that i’m just confused.” 

your girlfriend gently combed through your hair with her nails. “i could never think those things about you. please tell me what this is about because i have no idea and i just want to help.”

her steady hand movement rubbing your arm while the other twirled your hand between her fingertips eventually brought you to a more reasonable state. 

“you know how trans people typically go by their opposing pronouns?”

“mhm.”

“well... i don’t- i just- god this is so frustrating!” you frowned, unconsciously grasping at the chain around your neck.

“are you trying to tell me you’re trans?”

“no, no, it’s not that. well, i don’t think so, depends on who you talk to. some people like me consider themselves to be classified under the trans umbrella, but not everyone.” 

natasha hummed once more while tracing small shapes against your skin. 

“what do you think of nonbinary people? like, you know, those who don’t use she/her or he/him?” 

she shrugged, and your heart sank for a brief second before she spoke. “i don’t have a problem with it. why?”

“i don’t like being referred to as she/her. my pronouns are they/them. i’m not a man and i’m not a woman... will that ever bother you?”

a smile broke out across the redhead’s face. “doesn’t bother me one single bit. i love you for you, y/n. not for who you think you’re supposed to be.” 

relief was all you could feel. as cliche as it sounded, the weight of the world felt like it had been lifted from your shoulders. you didn’t have to worry anymore, not while natasha was around.

“is this what’s been bothering you for so long?”

you reached over and grabbed a loose red strand, it was your turn to play with her hair. “yeah. i knew you wouldn’t judge, but-”

“what if.” she confirmed and you nodded. 

“does anyone else know?”

“just my two friends i grew up with.”

“no one else?” you shook your head, looping a red curl around your finger. “nope.”

“is that why you stopped hanging out with me, tony, clint and the rest of them? because everyone referred to you as she and her?”

“yeah, felt like a punch in the stomach every time i heard it. made me feel weird, not normal i guess.” you mumbled, almost embarrassed by the confession.

natasha placed a long kiss on the top of your head, rubbing your back for extra support. “they would never judge you, i’d cut them off in a heartbeat if they did. if it helps any, i can ask how they feel about it? poke around some and let you know what they say? then when they don’t have a problem with it, which they won’t, you can come out when you’re ready, yeah?”

you nodded again, although it was slightly hesitant. “sounds good.”

“forgive me if i mess up a couple of times. i’ll try not to make a big deal out of it and just correct myself.” another kiss was delivered to your head.

“oh! last question. promise.”

“yes?”

“when im around other people and you’re not with me do you want me to use they/them? i don’t want to out you when you’re not ready.”

“i swear you’re perfect,” you giggled. “but you can use they/them both when im with you and when i’m not. just try to keep it casual? please?”

“anything for you, sweetheart.”