#i myself am not genderqueer but i did do a lot of research into this and thought about a lot of my trans friends and their experiences

[donnieisaprettyboy]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question but I'm having some self doubts. How did you know for sure that you were trans? I think I might be but I'm very confused if I'm feeling dysmorphia or dysphoria. Feel free to ignore if this is too personal

There’s nothing wrong with asking questions like this! :) gender is super confusing and sometimes it’s nice to have insight from other people

For the longest time I connected the discomfort with my body with trauma I experienced when I was younger. However, even as I worked through therapy and grew to a point that I am not as affected by my trauma, my discomfort remained.

Everytime I thought about people looking at me and seeing a boy, or even just looking at me and having no clue what my gender is, it made me feel kind of excited? I get heart flutter moments when I think about it.

I feel like I should add that most of my dysphoria is social. There are different kinds of dysphoria, and seeing this image is what made me realize that even though I didn’t struggle with my body too much, I had a strong desire to be seen as non-woman by society (not even necessarily as a man, just as something apart from “woman” if that makes sense).

(I cannot find the original artist for this so if anybody knows who it is please lmk)

When my friends started using he/they pronouns for me it felt really good. Even if I dress more feminine, I’m not binding, or if I’m actively trying to look more feminine, my friends still use he/they pronouns and it feels good!

My university has one of the best LGBTQ+ centers in the country, so I had a really good resource to reach out to and talk to people about. Which, for anybody reading this, you don’t have to be a university student to reach out to queer centers at universities! If you need resources, email them! :)

After quite a long time of experimenting with names, pronouns, styles, lots of research, etc. I came to the conclusion of “I’m just going to do me, whatever that is.” I use any pronouns, I dress however, I present differently depending on how I feel day to day :) people may call it genderfluid (which is fine!) but I’m personally sticking to more vague labels for my own comfort :) transmasc and genderqueer are what I use because it doesn’t feel confining!

I know a lot of this is kinda anecdotal, but I think the gist is there wasn’t one thing I noticed about myself that “confirmed” I’m trans. Also, you define what that means for you! There’s people who use they/them pronouns or different pronouns from those associated with their sex and don’t consider themselves trans! And there’s people who use pronouns that are associated with their sex and consider themselves trans! Technically because I use any pronouns, people can use she/her and that’s fine, but I’m still trans. I want top surgery, and I plan on cutting my hair into a more masculine cut, but I’m unsure about HRT. And after all that, I’m still trans!

I think this got kind of ramble-y but I really hope this all makes sense and helps to some capacity. And I encourage you to explore this and experiment! And if you decide “hey I’m actually not trans” that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to experiment and try things out :)

The trans experience is beautifully unique person to person, and your transness can look very different from someone else’s! :)

[domesticated-whores]

hello, I've decided to do a thing that no one asked for, solely for myself. and that is heavily over-analyzing random bullshit about myself. starting with

over-analyzing the fuck out of my gender

get ready for so much useless information about the inner-workings of how I identify... longish post.

I think a lot (if not most) nonbinary/genderqueer people have a simplified gender that they publicly identify as and a different, more complex gender that they identify as internally or in queer-specific spaces.

I'm pretty open in general about being genderqueer. I don't really identify as nonbinary, it isn't my preferred term for what I am, but since I understand that it's a more common term that most people outside of queer spaces know at least at a surface level I'll use it sometimes. I don't usually get any deeper than that. I'll tolerate she/her pronouns (I'm afab and generally feminine, and I'm incredibly aware of that), if asked for my pronouns (rare, I'm very feminine presenting) then I'll say "I'm cool with anything, slight preference on they/them" because that's a lie, but it's simple and I don't care quite enough to fight anyone on it. I was out as he/him transmasc for a little while before it got to be not worth it to explain presentation =/= gender or trying to look uncomfortably masc in order to be taken seriously, so there are still people that use he/him pronouns for me irl which is nice, but I don't get *enough* dysphoria from being misgendered to try to get others to use them.

But I do have some specific shit for my gender, also. I've been studying the hell out of this shit for maybe 10 years. I'm autistic as fuck, I like researching and labeling and categorizing things, so I put a lot of thought and reflection into my gender and I really have no place to share it because no one really cares to have me deep-dive into the details for them.

First and foremost, I'm cassgender. In case you don't know what that is, it's when someone feels indifferent to their gender or generally feels it's unimportant. Different from something like agender because cassgender people still can *have* other gender identities, it isn't lack of gender identity, it's just that there isn't a super strong connection to it.

To me, I don't care if I'm misgendered really at all. I do have a preference on how I'm referred to, I do have a gender, but I also don't really think it matters in the grand scheme of things. If it's more convenient to me, I have zero issues pretending to be a cis woman. Am I? No. But I don't think much would really be different if I was, so I don't see why it really matters. I personally use almost all "gendered" words in a gender-neutral way (unless someone tells me they're uncomfy with it, where I still see the words themselves as gn but respect people enough not to use it for them), I understand gendered connotations but genuinely fail to see how they matter. Again, full respect that they matter to most people, but I personally don't see it so I won't act like I do.

Even when I did care more about my gender identity and being out publicly, it wasn't because of strong attachment to my gender. It was more of a sense of "I researched for so many hours finding the right labels, I'm going to use them openly dammit!!"

I'm also a transmasc femboy. I use he/him pronouns for myself and generally prefer those (though, again, I'm cool with any), but I'll use almost any gendered terms for myself interchangeably/by situation. For example, I tend to prefer feminine familial terms (I'm my cats' momma, I'd be an aunt if my brother had kids in the future, etc.) while I usually opt for more masculine basic terms (man rather than woman, masc pronouns, boyfriend if I'm in a relationship, etc.) and alternating on terms of endearment or authority (god/goddess, sir/ma'am, daddy/mommy, prince/princess, king/queen, etc.). If it's in lighthearted/meme terms, anything flies (girlie, "I'm just a girl," feminine urge, "girls don't want men, they want--" etc. isn't misgendering because it's silly and fun).

I'm afab, feminine as hell, and not really looking to transition medically at all, so I don't at all mind feminine shit because, uh, obviously. I wear dresses and eyeliner sometimes and have long hair and a petite, slight hourglass body and all that shit. My regular outfit is leggings and a crop top, it's a very titties out look tbh. I don't bind (use to, might start experimenting with it again when it gets colder but I can't with the tops I like for warm weather and I don't like using tape) or anything. If I could magically look more physically androgynous in the ways that I want, that'd be sick as hell, but I can't so I don't mind my body that much. I was on t for maybe 3-4 months and I got some minimal bottom growth and slight voice changing, but I was getting too many changes that I didn't really fuck with for my preferred brand of androgyny and a lot of things I wanted t didn't help, so I stopped. Like, if I could get free and easy top surgery or a reduction and somehow grow 4-6 inches in height that would be splendid, but one of those is too expensive to justify how mild my discomfort is and the other is literally impossible so I can live with what I have.

I also really think drag would be cool as hell for gender reasons, but unfortunately I'm something of a broke bitch and even being thrifty with it is out of my budget at the moment. Which is fine, I keep it on a back burner in case I have money to invest into a new thing that I might get burnt out on before it's even worth what I spent. I'm just not touching that when I'm struggling to do anything beyond pay rent and feed my cats. But it's certainly a gender thing that I put a lot of thought into.

I don't know. Again, I'm cassgender so I don't really care heavily about any of this, I'm just an overthinker so I know it because of that. It was just information sitting in my brain that I didn't know what to do with, so I'm dumping it here. I mostly want to deep-dive into my sexuality and romantic orientation, I just had to post this first because it is really connected to gender things. I have an essay-worth to say on my sexuality because I actually care a lot about that shit and I'm just at the end (I believe?) of still figuring it out, while I was pretty sure on my gender for a while and just had to settle on accurate labels for it mostly.

[mysuperdupersecretsideblog]

I've always known I like girls.

My first fictional crushes were girls, and my first real life crushes were girls.

I was outed when I was 11 because someone in my small, conservative, religious town saw me kissing my first girlfriend and I decided to own it because going back in the closet wouldn't do anything since everyone already knew.

So I came out as bisexual.

I only ever kissed, cuddled and held hands with people I dated between the ages of 11-13.

When I started highschool at 14 though, I actually started sleeping with people.

Guys and girls.

Thing was, I was always drunk, high, or both when with guys and half the time with girls.

I slept around A LOT.

I was very neutral to all sex when high or drunk, no matter who I was with.

i was only ever sober with some gorls and I enjoyed that and didn't even process that I had never been sober with a guy.

When exploring my own likes and interest through porn, dating sims, etc, I always found myself leaning more towards women but didn't fully connect.

I also, in highschool, found out about pansexuality and started identifying with that more so than with bisexuality.

So I was pan.

Around this time(16), I came out as trans and started identifying with he/him pronouns.

That confused me about my sexuality even more.

For a very short period of time, I identified as a straight trans man, but then I saw a pretty boy and when back to pan.

Eventually it changed again, I settled on demiromantic, pansexual, upon realizing that I was still very neutral to sex no matter what(I was still crossfaded 90% of the time) but that it was hard for me to properly connect emotionally to anyone until I got really used to them.(This was really mostly guys though. I wasn't with many girls at the time because I was getting physically assaulted for being queer and thought it'd be safer if I dated a lot of guys.)

It went that way for a long time.

Finally, at 23, after a death in my family, my stepdad, who had made it clear he didn't like my sexuality, gender identity, or religion, used that as an excuse to kick me out of the house.

I told my friends about this and some of them panic bought me a plane ticket to their state. So I moved halfway across the country and am living with them now.

Since I've been here, I've had room to explore myself and who I am without having overly scrutinizing eyes watching my every move.

I've realized that I am not a trans man and am actually genderqueer(It/They) and, after having sex for the first time SOBER with a guy and

not feeling neutral

in fact feeling disgusted and kinda sick afterwards

I decided maybe HE was just bad at it.

Despite him actually managing to pull out all the stops and make me cum twice.

Still grasping onto my heteronormativity like a lifeline.

Then another guy.

Great friend.

We date for a while.

Everytime he tries to do anything further than kissing and I actually feel sick.

I hook up with a girl I know as a one time thing.

It feels so right and amazing.

A wonderful experience.

Reminded me of the little flashes of enjoyment in the sober experiences with girls in highschool.

And I finally realized it.

I only like women.

I don't feel right using lesbian to define myself though.

As an afab enby individual, I feel uncomfortable pushing so much implied femininity into my label.

I know that there are a lot of enbys who identify as lesbians and that's fine. I'm happy they have a label that they are comfortable with. It just doesn't suit me, personally.

I did some research, looking up sexualities that define an individual who is not a woman or a man, who loves women.

i finally found it.

Donnasexual

An unaligned nonbinary person who is attracted to exclusively women.

[bugshine-and-raincloud]

I just realized that we should definitely have some sort of intro so, uh, here's that:

Hey! I'm Bug! I used to go by Sam too, but I no longer feel much of a connection to that name so now it's just Bug! The "Shine" part is a reference to my ponysona, who is named Bug Shine lol. My emoji sign off is 💙

I have a big pronoun hoard, but my mains are Shift/Shifts, Soft/Softs, Xe/Xym, and 💙/💙s. They/Them are my aux pronouns

I have a very very big label hoard (over 100 labels currently lol /srs /pos). My main gender labels are Genderqueer, Genderfluid, Nonbinary, Boygirl, Transmasc, and Softgender! My main attraction labels are PanGay, Polyamorous, Nebularomantic, and Semificto (romantic and sexual)!

I have ADHD, Autism, BPD, Depression, Anxiety, ARFID, Gender Dysphoria, and Anger Issues. I might vent about symptoms and stuff here sometimes, I dunno

I'm Nonhuman and identify as a shapeshifter! This isn't related to Otherkin, tho I also am Otherkin

I'm Fluttershy and Strawberry Cookie IRL! I personally don't mind doubles, but if you do then I recommend not interacting

Some of my biggest interests are: Hollow Knight, Steven Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Bug Fables: The Everlasting Sapling, The Last Of Us, Dying Light, FNAF, Gaming in general, and MOGAI!

Hello, I'm Rain Cloud... My emoji sign off is 🌌... This was just Bug's account before, but shift said soft was okay with us both using it... Also, the dots are a typing quirk, I'm not always sad lol...

My pronouns are It/Its and Xe/Xem... I do not have aux pronouns... Do not use They/Them pronouns for me please, if you can't use my pronouns then just use my name or don't talk about me /srs...

I also have a quite big label hoard, though not as big as Bug's... My main gender labels are Nonbinary, Agender, Transmascfem, Hadengender, Kenochoric, and Genderspace... My main attraction labels are Gay, Asexual, Cupiosexual, Nebularomantic, Semifictoromantic, and Polyamorous...

I have ADHD, Autism, BPD, NPD, Depression, Anxiety, Gender Dysphoria, Anger Issues, and really bad paranoia... I will most likely vent about symptoms and stuff here...

I'm also Nonhuman, though I don't really label myself... Some descriptors I like are: cryptid, monster, entity, being, creature, thing, vampire, and probably some others I'm forgetting... I'm not Otherkin and I'm just myself irl btw...

Some of my biggest interests are: The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild, FNAF (especially Security Breach), Project Sekai, Minecraft, Steven Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, YouTube video essays, Cavetown, MOGAI and "cringe" genders, and aquatic animals...

Hello, I'm Silver Lining. My emoji sign off is 🌻. I don't consider this blog mine, so I haven't added my name into the username. But I figured I should keep up with stuff on here for Bug and Rain when I'm in control. I'll reblog stuff for them and also maybe reblog stuff I like too. I might post as well, I'm not sure yet.

I'm not going to do as long of an intro as those two did. But, my pronouns are He/Him. I'm a Nonbinary, Asexual, Lesboy. I'm an angel (specifically a fallen angel). And I have most of the same disorders as Rain, except I only suspect I have NPD (haven't done enough research yet).

We're part of a system of 8, but this account is just run by 3 of us (for now, at least). You can follow our Insta art account @/moon_is_scared (we don't go on there super often, so a lot of the info in our different highlights is wrong 😅). We're wayyy more active on our diary account @/moonclansdiary , but it is where we share more personal stuff and vents (we do make sure to use trigger warnings)

Not sure what else to include other than a DNI:

(we don't actually expect everyone who interacts with us to read this, it's more of a warning that we'll prob block you if you do interact with us and are on our DNI :p)

MAPS/P*dos

Pro-shippers

TERFS

Homophobes, Transphobes, Biphobes, Panphobes, Aphobes, etc. Queerphobes in general (obviously)

If you're anti-endo systems.

If you s*icide bait at all

Ableists (including if you believe in Borderline or Narc ab*se. We all have BPD, and Rain (+possibly Silver) has NPD, you aren't welcome here. If you demonize ANY disorders you're not welcome here /srs)

Zionists and/or pro-"Israel"

If you are triggered by the words queer, fag, and/or dyke, we've reclaimed them and use them uncensored

Truscum/Transmeds + Exclusionists.

If you're anti-MOGAI and/or anti-nontrad pronouns. Also if you're against "contradictory" labels or police what labels others can use.

Anti-Black Lives Matter or you believe in "All Lives Matter"

Anti-ACAB

If you're against or don't believe in Nonhumans

Anti-Otherkin/Kinning

Anti-kink (we're all freaks <3)

[lionheartslowstart]

Autigender

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a term that I hadn’t seen before on a facebook page for the queer community. Now, I consider myself a pretty knowledgable person when it comes to queerness. I am constantly looking to expand my understanding and my vocabulary. It’s a topic that’s important to me, not just because I’m queer myself, but also because I dedicate myself to the idea that everyone deserves to feel heard and understood by those around them. So when I saw “autigender,” I jumped at the chance to learn about yet another identity.

Imagine my surprise, when I learned that autigender means “a person whose understanding of gender is fundamentally altered by their autism.” In other words, their gender is so heavily influenced by autism that their gender and their autism cannot possibly be unlinked.

I was surprised because, while I was only recently diagnosed as autistic, I’ve been doing research for over a year while pursuing said diagnosis. So I was a bit taken aback by the fact that I hadn’t come across this term.

Still, it makes sense to me. Based on the research I did do, there is a high correlation between being genderqueer and being autistic. Not every genderqueer person is autistic, and not every autistic person is genderqueer, but there does seem to be quite a bit of overlap.

Why could this be? Well, in short, autistic people don’t think the same way neurotypical people do. We don’t live in the same boxes, or abide by the same rules. Therefore it makes sense, that autistics would have an easier time not only recognizing that gender is simply a construct, but also playing with it, and molding it to fit their wants and needs. Even so, the concept that gender could be so connected to autism never occurred to me. It’s certainly left me with some questions.

As of right now, I don’t identify as autigender. I don’t know that my autism and my gender are so intricately linked. I do know that I have a complicated relationship with gender, and that my gender identity is extremely fluid. Could my autism be a factor? Perhaps. But it’s hard to know without being able to compare my experience of gender with a neurotypical genderqueer person’s experience of gender. Also, to be fair, I’ve only been “officially” diagnosed as autistic for about six weeks now. I still have a lot to learn about myself, and about autism in general. I suppose this is just another facet of autism that I can look forward to studying.

[gyaruxqueer]

♡ Hello!! ♡

My name is Stars☆, and welcome to my gyaru blog! I'm a genderqueer man in my late 20s starting to explore the world of gyaru after a great deal of research and soul-searching to see if this is the right lifestyle for me--and as of right now, it is! I am for SURE still a baby gal but I feel very drawn to ganguro and feel so at home within myself when I dress in gal☆

My pronouns are it/its but he/him is also super. I have been a kandi kid for what feels like forever and in my heart, rave and gal r siblings♡ I live by PLUR and have always been intent on breaking the mold and refusing to conform to society's standards of beauty and normalcy, so when I discovered gyaru I was naturally very curious about it.

This tumblr will serve primarily as a place for me to compile images of other gals, style and makeup inspo, and occasionally fun little aesthetics and other miscellaneous posts that resonate with me and this particular aspect of my life. Its secondary purpose is for me to talk about my journey as a gal! In time I may start posting selfies but as I'm still starting out and figuring out how I want to style myself I may not do it very often.

This is a sideblog! I will like and follow from @drunkstarscreamofficial , and my personal blog is @mimikyubestie . I also have a Skyrim blog @boethiahsboytoy and a blog for OC posting @starscreams-drunk-oc-blog . If you need anything tagged, let me know! My ask box will (probably) always be open, so feel free to stop by to chat at any time!

Thanks for stopping by! If you've got any questions just shoot me an ask. Have a great day!! ☆Stars☆

Some fun facts about me (under the cut because wow do i love to ramble):

I've known I was queer since I was a wee little lad and I am still exploring my identity (and predict I will for a very long time!).

I am asexual and demiromantic with a preference for men--so I'm also a gay man!

I use a cane to help relieve chronic (undiagnosed) back pain! I REALLY want to save up for a plain black cane and TONS of cute things to decorate it with--stickers, jewels, etc.--to match the gyaru lifestyle. But my favorite one is my orange lava cane that my husband bought me♡♡

At the moment I'm super broke 😭 I work part time in retail but have to pay for my meds and hormones (and my doctors appointments and labs related to them) out of pocket, so my shift into the gyaru lifestyle will be slow as I lack the funds to add pieces to my wardrobe that I want. I will be focusing more on new makeup and accessories than clothes however, as I loooove altering my own clothes and have many ideas of how I can change up my wardrobe just by using what I already have.

I can't wear big dramatic falsies (for the most part) because I need glasses. I can't afford to see an optometrist to get contacts (and couldn't afford contacts anyway😭), so I make do by drawing on lower lashes and decorating under my eyebrows with cute eyeliner stamps or glitter!

My favorite color is orange, but ironically I don't style a lot my outfits with lots of orange! However some of my Signature Looks are ALL orange, so I think that makes up for it ;P

My favorite movies are Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 one), Pacific Rim, and The Bye Bye Man. My favorite movie genre is horror, and I REALLY like comedy and found footage horror especially.

My favorite genres of music are hardstyle, hardbass, happy hardcore, and eurobeat. My favorite musicians and bands are The Sounds, DJ S3rl, Headhunterz, Uamee, and Unleash the Archers.

I did drag for a bit, but after a while wearing a full face of makeup started giving me really bad sensory issues. Now I pretty much only do eye makeup and slap on some lip gloss (and occasionally lipstick if I feel up to it).

I am mixed white (specifically Welsh mostly) and Filipino, though unfortunately have no real significant ties to my cultures :( But I do love Filipino food !!

That's all for now! If you read this far you're a fucking champ 😭😭 Stay safe out there!!

[wanderlust-----witch]

I decided to do some basic internet research on the church denomination I grew up in. Having distanced myself after coming out as bi and trans, I didn't really think much about its influence on my life past the age of 19. However, I can't ignore it anymore.

I am culturally Christian and I grew up in an evangelical church and home. My mother and grandparents on her side had a very large influence on how I was supposed to grow up. Clearly, somewhere, they missed the mark, because I am still very openly polyamorous, genderqueer, and pan/ace. I love my mother and my nana and my papa (rest in peace). But I can't associate with the church that they do. My mother and grandmother have overcome so many of their bigotries, and they both accept me and my siblings regardless of who we are. I love them, but I can't love the church that raised me.

I have a lot to unlearn. Like, a LOT. Growing up in the church that I did, we were strongly encouraged to attend all sorts of conferences and retreats and camps and the like to be with others like us. Other people who understood us. The community we had was encouraged to be tight knit, there were no secrets. Secrets were sin, and we didn't sin. Sure, slip ups were inevitable, we're only human after all. But we could overcome sin if we did everything else exactly the way we were supposed to. We read the Bible, we abided by the Word, we lived for Jesus and loved God and shared the Holy Spirit.

The favorite Bible verses of my church were Matthew 28:19-20. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, blessing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit..." I can recite it still. It haunts me. I was taught for so long that the only right way to be a Christian was to pass the Word to everyone I met, to show them how much better their lives would be if they just followed Christ like I did.

We weren't encouraged to leave the church for any means. The only college they offered to help us get into was the sole college associated with the denomination. After that, we would return home, get married to someone we had likely met at college, have kids, and raise them in the church, propagating further generations to follow and serve in the same ways we did.

I felt disillusioned after I wanted to live as my true self, and I told my pastor, and he discouraged me from sharing it openly. I think that was actually the last time I stopped regularly going to church. I took any and all shifts I could on Sundays for the excuse of not being able to attend church. My boss noticed I was suddenly eager to work early on Sundays, and asked if anything changed. "No," I replied, "it hasn't."

Oh but it had. My entire community abandoned me. I hadn't known anyone else. I attended one church from infancy to twelve years old, and another from thirteen on. I hardly remember by first church because of my age (but also familial trauma, unrelated). But the second church. It was a home to me. There were people my age, older people to look up to, younger people to teach, we were all just one giant extended family.

I attended weekly, I volunteered for special events, I taught Sunday school, I participated in the middle and high school youth groups. I did everything I could for my church. But they stopped doing things for me.

So here I am, 25 years old, finally learning about the environment I grew up in. It was so toxic, so so very toxic. Toxic positivity, toxic views of the world around us. It was very much "us versus them", and the "them" was to be converted to "us". We were the only "right" path. In my minimal research conducted so far, I have read that the church was supposed to be fairly diverse. And yet, the churches I grew up in were 98% white. Oh sure, there were some single parents, some individuals. But we always told them, you have family in us.

I remember a time where we talked about the ways of overcoming sin in one of the youth group meetings. We talked about someone who had attended the group previous admitting he had an addiction to porn. Now, back then, I was under the impression that any sort of porn consumption was bad. Masturbation? Forget about it. It was all bad, all sex was bad unless you were married and trying to have kids. It was the worst thing you could do for your body. So porn, obviously, was the worst form of media to consume. We never got details about how much porn he watched, and I realize now it was likely intentional. One video a week, ten videos a day, regardless you were consuming it despite knowing it was wrong, therefore it was clearly an addiction that needed intervention. Of course it scared me out of consuming porn, I didn't want to develop an addiction. My familial history showed me that I was genetically predisposed to addictions, so if I ever watched porn, I feared becoming addicted.

It all came to a head, like I said, when I was actively discouraged from living my life as myself. Stepping back after so many years has made me realize a lot more about my upbringing that I ever expected to learn. I grew up in a cult. A Christian cult. Evangelism is a cult. And I'm trying so very hard to learn and unlearn and grow from this. I am no longer a Christian, and I don't think I will be in this lifetime again. I am too afraid to fall into those traps again, proselytizing my heart out for the good of humanity. That's not right of me to do, and I don't want to do it. I will never try to convert anyone to my beliefs. They are my own, and they have no bearing on any life except my own.

My husband knew I grew up in a Christian household. He didn't know the details until recently, when I casually mentioned it to one of his friends. I don't remember the exact context of the conversation, but I do know that was the first time he heard me say "I grew up evangelical". His friend laughed, and said "damn you grew up in a cult," and we moved on to playing MTG. But that comment rattled around in my brain for months before I realized she was right. I never doubted she was right, but I was finally able to admit it recently.

I am the product of a cult. And I have a lot to overcome if I want to be a halfway decent person. I hope I can achieve it someday.

[a-gay-bloodmage]

—Sera Was Having None of This—

Pairing: Platonic Sera x Male-Genderqueer Trevelyan, Minor/Background Blackwall x Male-Genderqueer Trevelyan

Pairing Type: M/F, Minor M/M

Words: 2,425 

Warnings: Body Dysmorphia/Gender Dysphoria, Medieval European Society Has No Word for Being Genderqueer and It's Frustrating, Mallory Still Wouldn't Use They/Them Pronouns Though, He's Still Pretty Binary in all honesty, You Pry This MlM and WlW Friendship From My Cold Dead Hands

Mallory had fallen into another depression. Well, not exactly another, but today it was worse than it'd been in a few weeks.

Ink smudged on his hand from writing in such an exhausted state, not used to having to notify people whenever he'd be out of commission for a while. All the energy seemed to be drained out of him, making the simple task of penning a few letters like crossing a mountain.

He waited for the ink to dry, eyes stuck on an open wine bottle on his nightstand.

No, he told himself. Not today. Please, Maker, Mallory, not today. He rested his face on the desk, cheek pressed against the wood. As much as he ached to drink and forget, he knew that it'd make things worse like this. He didn't have anybody to hold him back from poisoning himself with every drop of alcohol in his room—and there was certainly no shortage.

After a few more minutes of lying half on the desk, he brought himself to finally pin the note to his door, careful to make sure nobody saw him do so. He looked awful today.

"Please, do not disturb me. I am not feeling well and wish to get some rest! Thank you." It was signed with a little heart.

He all but crawled his way back up the stairs, shedding the thin blanket he'd wrapped himself in as he slid into the thick covers of his bed, tucking a large pillow between his legs and against his chest as he curled up into himself. The room was dark—curtains drawn to block out the light—but it wasn't dark enough. He could still see his hands. Any view of his flesh made him sick.

He drew the covers over his head and tried to cry out his illness.

• • ♡ • •

Sera was having none of this.

She read the note and decided that if the door was locked, she was going through Mallie's window.

She jumped onto the Inquisitor's porch, trying to ignore the fact that she'd nearly fallen a few steps back. Skyhold should really do something about its loose bricks. She knocked a couple times, waiting for Mallie to open up. Surely she wouldn't ignore knocking if it came from someone willing to scale a wall to talk.

It made Sera uneasy when Mallie didn't answer. The shut doors, the curtains covering the windows, and that note on the door all spelled trouble.

"Inky! Let me in!" No response. "I'm gonna pick your lock!" No response. "Mallie! Mallie-Mallie-Mallie!" No response.

Fuck it, she thought, pulling out a pin. I'm going in. She set to picking the locked door.

Mallie didn't respond as Sera flung open her door. The light weakly spilled into the dark room, and Sera could see the lump curled up on the bed. Despite being under a layer or three of blankets, she could tell Mallie was all curled up and pathetic.

"Mallie?" Sera went to the side of her bed, leaning forward and pressing her hands into the mattress. "Come on, what's wrong?" No response. "You drunk again?" If Mallie wasn't fighting the Breach or camping in the wilderness, she was drunk. Sera tried not to think of the implications of her habit.

"No. Go away, Sera. I don't feel good." Her tone was dangerously... wet. Like she'd been crying. A lot.

"Should I go get a healer?" She bent down slightly to be on eye-level with the blankets.

"No."

"Nonsense, dummy!" She reached forward and yanked back the covers. "Come on, fresh air!" Mallie was curled around a pillow, naked except for her loose boy-breeches. It was still weird seeing her without her makeup and tits. "Ugh, you look like shit." Mallie's eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and she was covered in a nervous sweat.

"That's why I don't want anybody fucking seeing me," she hissed, yanking the covers back over her head. "Fuck off, I'm sick."

"You depressed again?" Sera asked, pulling up the covers to look at the Inquisitor again. Mallie yanked the blankets back down over her head.

"I'm always depressed."

"No you're not," Sera smiled, jumping up onto the bed. She kicked off her shoes. "You're usually all peppy and shit."

"Still depressed, idiot," Mallie groaned. "Please, just- just leave me alone to die."

"Nope, you're not dying on my watch," she said, flopping down so that she was lying on the bed, staring at where Mallie's face was beneath the blankets. "Tell me what's wrong, dummy." She pulled the blankets up just enough to peer into the darkness, her elven eyes allowing her to see Mallie's pretty blue ones.

"Nothing, now leave." She didn't yank the blankets this time.

"Nope. Staying." Sera wiggled a little closer. "Come on, tell me what's wrong, maybe cry a little, and then we can go do fun stuff. Make you less sad." Mallie's eyes were trained on the pillow she was hugging. "We can go drinking," she offered. She huffed at Mallie's lack of response. "Really? You always wanna drink, boozer."

"Sera, stop," she choked out. "I don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna go out where people'll see me. I-" She cut herself off as she began to choke on held-back tears, lasting only a few seconds before burying her face in her wet pillow and beginning to sob. "I just want to be alone..."

"Mallie, come on..." Sera hated having such a weird friend, sometimes. Not the whole sorta-lady man thing, but the fact that yesterday, Mallie was so happy. She was drinking, and laughing, and just being happy. Mallie was so much better when she was happy. But then there were days like this, where she was sobby and depressed, locking herself away and just wallowing in misery. Of course she and Beardy are in love. They're both dumb sad-sacks.

"Sera, please, I feel awful..."

"But why?" Sera frowned at her. "You're not sick, and nothing bad happened yesterday. We were, like, sealing breaches and killing demon stuff."

"Doesn't matter," she muttered, face still buried in her gross, soaked pillow. "I feel like shit because I am shit, Sera."

"No you're not," Sera laughed. It was ridiculous to think Mallie wasn't amazing.

"Yes I am!" Her muscled arms gripped her pillow even tighter, her biceps shaking with the strain. "I'm so- so stupid and I'm wrong and I'm just- just-" A scream was hardly muffled by her pillow. Sera flinched, inhaling sharply though her teeth.

"Mallie!" She instinctively reached out and grabbed Mallie's quivering shoulder. "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm what's wrong with me!" Her pretty pink nails looked like they were about to break into the pillow. "I'm so fucking wrong!" Sera didn't know what to say. "Maker, I'm so fucking wrong..."

"No, you're not," Sera repeated, soft and nervous against the heavy sadness that seemed to emanate from the Inquisitor. "Maker, Mallie, what's wrong?"

"I can't even explain it," she muttered, still not showing her face. "I just can't."

"Try then," Sera said, instinctively shrugging. "Won't know how to help 'til you tell me, stupid." Sera internally cringed at calling the crying mess an idiot again. Whoops.

"I hate this body," she said, her tears slightly quieter, but still seeming to strangle her. "It's wrong. It hurts."

Sera puffed out a cheek, squeezing one of Mallie's well-built biceps. "You're all strong and pretty and shit."

"I don't wanna be a girl," she sobbed, the sudden, odd statement throwing Sera off.

And yet you spend your whole life putting on makeup and dresses, Sera thought. Sure, Mallie had mentioned before that she wasn't all-the-way-girly, but she still liked being called a she and dressing the part. And now you tell me that's wrong?

"I don't want a cunt and I don't want real tits, but-" She groaned into her pillow. "But I want the rest and I- I don't know..."

"So you want to be a girl with man bits," Sera said, smiling at Mallie, even if the Inquisitor couldn't see her. "Why's that making you cry, Inky?"

"I just, I... I just feel wrong," she said, finally lifting her eyes from the pillow, wiping at them with shaking hands. "I probably sound absolutely mad."

"Yeah, but I always knew you were mad," Sera laughed, rolling her eyes. She could only hope that Mallie didn't think that she was being insensitive. She just wasn't someone who knew how to be mushy-gushy sweet and sentimental.

"Sera, I get that you're trying" Mallie sighed, "but you don't get it. I can't-" She looked away from Sera, messy, silky blonde hair falling every which way across her freckled face. "I don't want to be a man. I don't want to be a woman. But I want to have... stuff from both." She bit down on her lip, whining.

"Should I go get, like, Krem or something? He's all mixed up, too," Sera suggested. She really didn't really know what else to say.

Mallie shook her head. "No he's not. He knows that he's a man. I'm... lost, I guess." 

Lost was a hard word to hear coming from Mallie. Before Sera knew about what was under her skirt, the Inquisitor was one of the most fun people she'd known, even if she had her off days. She always wore a full face of makeup, pretty outfits, and her hair was always in perfect styles. She was girly and dumb and giggly, but she could drink as much as Bull. She was never lost.

Even if it wasn't a total lie, knowing that Mallie was putting on a show of happiness for everyone made Sera hurt. It hurt her to see Mallie hurt. Mallie didn't deserve to hurt.

"You're not going to get better just by lying here," Sera whispered. Her small, rough hand squeezed Mallie's shoulder. "At least get up or something. You smell like sweat and... sad." She pursed her lips. "What happened to roses and hard liquor?" She grinned when Mallie smiled, even if it was pretty damn slight.

"You're going to be the fucking death of me," she groaned, shifting around in her bed to move the pillow away from her front.

"Based on what I just witnessed, I think you're going to be the death of you."

"Eh, probably," Mallie responded, rolling her eyes. She reached over, wrapping a big, wonderfully muscled arm around Sera's thin elven body. Sera struggled against the hold half-heartedly, still not accustomed to the bare, masculine embrace, but not wanting to leave Mallie's side. The Inquisitor mumbled something out, quiet and basically inaudible.

"Huh?"

"I said thanks," she said. "I didn't think anyone would bother with this... stuff." Mallie's body was toastier than a piping hot kettle, the comforters of her bed obviously stifling in their heat. Mallie didn't seem to mind. She had often bitched about the fact that Ferelden was far colder than the Northern Marcher city she was from. "It surprises me how okay you are with all this."

"Why wouldn't I be?" She laughed. "The sky is shitting demons and I live in a tavern in a castle now! You can cry over being a not-man-not-girl-in-between-something-or-another! It's not the weirdest thing that's happened this week!" She turned over to smile at Mallie's soft, freckled face. "Did you know the friggin' tavern bard wrote a song about me? That's weird!"

"That's why you should never sleep with an artist!" Mallie was smiling. "And I heard that song, too! What was it? Her tongue tells tales of rebellion?" She was laughing, wiping away at a tear that ran down her freckles. "Fucking brilliant!" She shook her head, grinning. "Maker's tits, Sera, how do you always manage to cheer my sorry ass up?"

"I'm just that good," she said, smirking. "Your depressed butt can't handle my goodness."

"Right about that," Mallie said, poking Sera's cheek. "Thanks again, though."

"Stop with the thanks!" Sera groaned. "Friends cheer friends up. It's a friend thing! I'm just being... friendly."

"Friendly is an oddly casual word for pulling me from the dredges of self-hatred and disgust," Mallie laughed. "Most people don't bother trying to understand."

Sera shrugged. "I'm kinda nice when I wanna be," she said. "You deserve to be treated nice, you dumb, blonde bastard."

"Oh, shut it, you dumb, blonde bastard." The two of them quickly dissolved into snort-laced giggles.

They ended up just lying there, at ease with one another's presence. Sera always liked having friends who weren't touchy-feely, who gave her space but weren't obsessed with being uptight or proper. Mallie was different. She was so painfully obsessed with touching and feeling and hugging and kissing it was a miracle not everyone in the Inquisition had smudges of her makeup on them. Sera had at first been scared of it, not used to a girl wanting to cuddle her while just being friends. It was weird having a close friend pick her up in a hug and kiss her on the cheek, leaving behind bruised lungs and pink prints on her face. Closeness was weird. But Mallie was so weird that the weirdness was just another part of Mallie that Sera considered her friend.

When she looked over, she noticed that Mallie had fallen asleep, long lashes resting quietly on wet, freckled cheeks. Breathing softly and just existing as a person. Maybe she was dreaming about something. Probably her beardy boyfriend. Sera wasn't sure why someone would want to sleep with a man who smelled like a barn and had hair that probably scratched during kisses, but Mallie seemed to like him. He made her happy, so that meant he was really good. He was pretty funny, too, when he wanted to be.

"I hope you feel better," Sera whispered, smiling over at Mallie. "When you wake up, we'll bake some us cookies, alright?" She knew Mallie couldn't hear her. She didn't really care. A promise was more a promise when it was said out loud. And she really wanted to go bake cookies with Mallie—even if neither of them were good at baking. It was just fun. And they could sit on Sera's roof and throw the burnt cookies at guards and birds, too. That was always fun.

Maybe Mallie would feel better someday. Maybe she wouldn't. But, no matter what, Sera would be there. Because friends were friends no matter how weird.

[schwazombie]

Sometimes I think about the fact that I didn’t know there were options other than ‘man’ and ‘woman’ until I was in my late 20s / early 30s. I grew up in a super conservative area -- abstinance only, creationism must be taught alongside evolution sort of conservative. The only LGBT folk I knew were my aunt, who always referred to herself as gay and the rest of my family shook their heads in quiet disapproval while talking about hate the sin, love the sinner, the count-them-on-one-hand-with-fingers-leftover somewhat open gay and lesbian people at my school. The B and the T weren’t things I encountered, and no one talked about gender.

I figured every girl felt in a distinctly not positive way when wearing dresses and skirts and bras and all those accoutrements, that every girl looked in the mirror now and again and saw a guy, that everybody must swap up whether they told people they were a guy or a girl online and all girls must secretly also want to be treated as boys. I didn’t talk about any of it, of course, because if I was wrong, if I was being abnormal, I’d get in trouble. So I felt gross and bad and guilty for not being a girl the right way, and secretly cried when my mother and sister and the one aunt made fun of me for not having a big enough chest and felt bad wanting a push-up bra so maybe people wouldn’t think poorly of me for not looking like I should -- and was glad when I was old enough to get one for myself, and gladder still when I could get on birth control because maybe the estrogen would make my chest bigger and I’d look ‘right’.

The first time I met someone who referred to themself as genderqueer was in my last year of undergrad. I was in my mid 20s by that point. The classmate in question was walking with me after class one day and said they’d been meaning to ask me what I was, and at that point since I had no one else to bounce these ideas off of nor any real contact with LGBT ideas, I told them that I was a woman because I was born a woman, but sometimes I had to be a man so when I did then I would be. They asked what I meant and I said that there were certain qualities that were male, and some which were female, and I am a female because that is what I was born as but sometimes I needed to show male qualities and when I did then I was more male. They could have explained to me what genderqueer meant to them, or told me about their experience, or something but instead they acted like I’d done something wrong and never spoke to me again unless they were treating me as someone lesser.

If I had known what genderqueer meant, or had any exposure to LGBT identities, or even felt welcome at LGBT events (which if I ever went to any on campus, I always went feeling like an outsider, like I was there but I wasn’t welcome)... maybe I would have figured out that nonbinary is a thing which exists among a lot of other things before being in my 30s. There’s so much pressure to just know. ‘Do your research!’ but how in a small town where people you’ve never met can look at you and know who your mother and grandmother are just from the resemblance and people you don’t know know your name and face and can tell your parents and teachers and authority figures what you were up to and you can’t even go to the library to look anything up because you shouldn’t be looking at those things, young lady -- if ‘those sorts of things’ are even available because you’re in the middle of nowhere and your only openly gay family member was the next best thing to disowned, and you can’t ask anyone because how can you ask a question if you don’t know there’s a question to be asked, and you just figure there’s something wrong with you?

[olderthannetfic]

hi hi history-non again, sorry I know it's a very

ahem wide and girthy ahem

ask, and i'm sorry for not narrowing it down farther my brain is smooth as butter and the dart board, so to speak, is. big. i feel like im throwing my dart in the ocean of 'what i don't know' and trying to spear a fish who might speak to me like the queer elder i never ha d ;lkasjd;flkas damn you small conservative town ANYWAYS

i guess okay maybe do you have any favourite figureheads? whats your fave pieces of lgbtqa+ media (like books or shows?)

thanks again and sorry for.

uh.

big.

--

Lolololol. Yes.... it’s so... big...

In the 90s, the writers of nonfiction who I found really inspirational were Susie Bright and Kate Bornstein. My Gender Workbook was a classic. I gather there’s a new edition.

I was a massive, massive nerd, so my actual favorite queer book as a 14-year-old is one that will be a bit... uh... much if you’re not feeling very intellectual. It’s Third Sex, Third Gender: Beyond Sexual Dimorphism in Culture and History. This thing is a massive doorstop of a book that collects academic journal articles on third gender roles from various cultures. I was obsessed with this thing. Again, it’s academic journal articles, not popular nonfiction, so expect that level of impenetrable prose.

I was also a giant weeb, so I read a bunch of books on the history of gay sex in Japan. It’s pretty interesting how much people assume the “m/m sex = sin” shit was worldwide and how much it just was not.

In terms of fiction, I’ve always struggled to find f/f media I relate to. I really like the tv adaptations of Fingersmith and Tipping the Velvet. Lots of fucked up problematicness and gorgeous visuals. Gotta love the lady with the strap-on and the gold body paint!

For other queer media, I was a big fan of Velvet Goldmine and of Pedro Almodóvar’s older films, which are full of every problematic kink you can think of. They also have a lot of het I like, like the lady being coerced into sex (that she enjoys) by the drag queen who impersonates her famous mother she has a lot of mommy issues about... except said drag queen is really an undercover police officer. Just... whut. (All the “straight” stuff in Almodóvar’s films is also bugfuck nuts and often kind of queer.)

I really, really, really loved Crash. Not the shitty one that won an oscar: the car crash perverts one full of weird UST. There’s a ton of straight sex in this too, along with every gender combo and a laundry list of upsetting kinks. It’s just every kind of weird perv thing. (”Weird art film full of sex and problematicness” is pretty much the defining feature of movies I liked as a teen. I loved Kissed, that het necrophilia movie too.)

Stage Beauty is probably my favorite film for bi vibes. It’s this meditation on identity as the English stage was changing over from having men play women to having actual actresses. It ends in f/m, but it’s definitely a very queer film.

If you want slice of life stuff, I guess you could try Dykes to Watch Out For (the comic that’s the source of the bechdel test) or the Tales of the City novel series. These will both give you a sense of what was going on in certain queer communities in the late 20thC. If you want something relatively fluffy, Maurice is a historical costume drama with a happy ending. I found it awfully slow as a college student, but it does have naked Rupert Graves (Lestrade from Sherlock), so...

----

See, this is hard to answer because I came of age and did all of my reading of that kind a long time ago. I pretty quickly moved on to fangirl media, which I have always liked a lot better than other arguably queer stuff. Back in the 90s, that meant Japanese stuff and fic. Later, I had access to more flavors of by-fujoshi-for-fujoshi media.

So my actual favorite m/m books are a bunch of “m/m romance” (i.e. American BL being sold as ebooks on amazon). If you want live action TV and fandomy vibes, you’re better off with Trapped (hot cop/mobster action!) or one of those Thai series about schoolboys or something than stuff made by cis gay men in the US.

I also came of age in an era when “queer” media was very Cis Gay Men And Sometimes Cis Lesbians with an occasional nod to bi people existing... maybe. Kate Bornstein and a few others were raising the profile of MtF transsexuals (the term in use at the time) who wanted surgery or even, gasp, maybe didn’t want bottom surgery in some cases. Anything about FtMs or nb/agender/etc. identities was practically invisible. I saw the term ‘genderqueer’ around a bit, but it was mostly in contexts that were very tryhard and unappealing to me.

(You haven’t given any details, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you’re like much of tumblr and the flavors of queerness you relate to aren’t so much the Cis Gay Men Only culture that makes up quite a bit of queer history and older queer media.)

I can tell you what I liked as a teen, but not everybody is into fucked up art films that may not have happy endings. I can try to rec things about queer culture in the 90s, but I probably don’t have great recs for way earlier or later than that... unless it’s so much earlier that I’ve researched it while writing fic of some historical canon or other. A lot of how I learned about queer culture myself was from magazines or from reading soc.bi on usenet or just from living through the 90s--not typically from books that are easy to unearth and just hand to someone now.

I tend to just not like anything in the contemporary romance or slice of life genres, regardless of gender and orientation, so while I’ve watched/read a bit more queer stuff like this, especially in the past when I had less access to queer media, it’s not a space I’m great at reccing in. And that’s unfortunate because a lot of that type of art gives you a better sense of what other queer people were like in other eras and/or it’s a safer rec than some bananas crazy BDSM film.

I was, and am, very kinky (though pretty lazy in terms of actual practice), so a lot of my reading and media interest was bound up in that also. Obviously, I was quite interested in the drawings of Tom of Finland or the photography of Robert Mapplethorpe, but are you going to be into photos of some guy shoving a whip handle in his ass? I love the movie Cruising... it’s about serial killers and leather and homophobia and is every bit as potentially traumatizing as that sounds.

I feel you on the problem of finding queer elders. There isn’t really an obvious way to go about this.

[thebigqueer]

Solangelo - "Self-Discovery is Really Beautiful" - One-Shot

Summary: Nico asks Will about what it means to be nonbinary.

Word Count: 1380

IMPORTANT NOTE: I myself am cisgender, not nonbinary, so I am not trying to speak for the nonbinary community. I had two genderqueer friends read through this for me and they believed it looked fine to them, but again, I'm aware everyone's experiences are different. I strayed from trying to speak of Nico's experiences directly for the very reason that I would not be the best person to speak of them. Instead, I only tried to talk about their confusion with what nonbinary means. I would like to formally apologize beforehand if I've offended anyone, because that is not my intent. Happy Trans Day of Visibility!

Read on AO3

A warm breeze whispers past Will and Nico as they lay in the Strawberry Fields, bathing in the golden sunlight. Will’s fingers twirl around with various leaves and flowers in the hopes of making a flower crown, while Nico leans against him, running his fingers through the grass. Thoughts swirl in his mind, rocking his brain of all its beliefs.

Will looks over at him, concern threaded into his heart. He elbows Nico gently to get his attention. “Hey,” he says, “everything alright? You look like you’re thinking a lot.”

Nico offers a wavering smile. “At least one of us can think,” he says. But there’s a film over his eyes, like he’s lost in a different world.

Will rolls his eyes. “So funny.” He stops playing around with the flowers and looks Nico in the face. “What’s wrong?”

The son of Hades shakes his head. “No, it’s not anything bad. You don’t need to be worried or anything.”

Will pokes the side of his head gently, his fingertip lightly grazing against Nico’s temple. “Then what’s going on in that head of yours?”

Nico hesitates for a second. “What does nonbinary mean?”

Will blinks in surprise. He shifts in his seat so that his entire body faces Nico’s. “Why? Did you hear that somewhere?”

Nico’s shoulders rise and fall gracefully, flashing in the sunlight. “I just heard some of the younger campers say it.” Panic sparks in his eyes. “Why? Is it a bad word?”

Will laughs. “No, not at all. I was just curious.” He strokes his finger against the ground, thinking about all the ways to answer the question. Nico watches him curiously.

Will begins, “Well, I guess the best way to put it… So you know how there are boys and girls?” When Nico nods in agreement, he pushes further. “Yeah, so a lot of people call themselves boys and girls. But there are some people who don’t exactly fit with either. They’re called nonbinary because they don’t exactly fit with that ‘binary,’ if that makes sense.”

Surprise sweeps over Nico’s features; his eyebrows jump and confusion sparks in his eyes. “Wait, there are more than two genders? But… I mean, like, aren’t we all just born with two? Like, our sex?”

Will smiles. “Well, that’s your sex. But sex and gender don’t have to be the same. And, besides, there are some people who don’t even neatly fall into one sex; some of them are born with characteristics from both.”

Nico tilts his head. “So you’re saying that, like, the sex I was born with… doesn’t have to mean I am a boy?”

Will shakes his head. “Nope. It can, though. If your gender aligns with your sex, then that means you’re cisgender.”

Nico nods. “Okay. But also, like… can you talk about nonbinary again? What exactly does it mean?”

“Well, like I said, there are some people who don’t really identify with either boy or girl,” says Will. “Some people identify as both; some people are in the middle; some just don’t identify as either of those. Gender in general is just a spectrum. There is a lot more than just girl and boy. Nonbinary itself is kinda like an umbrella term, but it’s also a term that lots of people identify as. Overall it also fits into the trans umbrella, but it really just depends on how people view the labels.” Will shrugs. “In the end it’s just up to the person.”

Nico’s eyes glaze over as he processes this information. Behind his eyes, Will sees the gears turning in his head, creaking as they take Will’s words and try to comprehend the meaning. Silence falls between them for a few moments.

“Okay,” Nico says quietly. “I think I might understand. But what pronouns do nonbinary people use if they don’t entirely fit as boy or girl?”

Will leans back on his arms, soaking in the last drops of sunlight as it starts to set over the camp. “Well, the simple answer to that is many of them use ‘they’ and ‘them’ pronouns.” He opens his hands in a placating gesture. “But not all of them do. The thing is that pronouns don’t always have to equal gender. Like, we use she-her pronouns for girls and he-him for guys, right?” When Nico gives his nod of understanding, Will continues. “I think most common is that people who are nonbinary use they-them pronouns, but that’s just an overgeneralization. I think something you need to know is that pronouns are more of a reference to someone rather than something that indicates their identity. Pronouns don’t have to equate to gender. They can, but the point of pronouns is to call to someone, not to tell their gender, if that makes sense.”

Nico nods his head slowly. “I think so.”

“So, like I said, a lot of nonbinary people use they-them pronouns. But not all of them. Pronouns can change for everyone. Some girls use he-him pronouns; some guys can use they-them. Lots of nonbinary people can use she-her, he-him, whatever.” Will brushes his hand against his jeans nervously; he wants to make sure that he’s offering Nico the most informative words. “But, also, there are things called ‘neopronouns.’ They’re pronouns, too, but they’re especially not indicative of gender. They kind of fall out of gender-association in a language. Like, one example is ze-zir-zirself. ‘Ze’ is a pronoun.” Will shrugs. “And I think it’s important to note that you can use more than one pronoun. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t matter what kind of pronouns someone uses; you can’t ever tell someone’s gender until they tell you, basically. Like, pronouns can indicate it, but you may be wrong.”

Nico falls silent for a few moments, once again taking the time to soak up the information. Will waits patiently, eyes narrowed in Nico’s direction. When the child of Hades still says nothing, he adds, “You know, we can also hit up the library or the computer in the Big House if you want to learn more. There’s a lot more stuff to learn; I just gave you a brief explanation.”

Nico nods, a dazed expression on his face. His mind reels under all the words, all the phrases, all the information. There’s a click in his chest, and for the first time in a long while, Nico feels like he’s been seen and heard.

Will leans in. “What are you thinking?”

Nico looks up. “I… I think that made sense. I could use the research though.”

The son of Apollo smiles. “We can go right now.”

Nico nods. “Okay. But, also… Will, I…” There’s an anxious buzz in his chest. He takes a deep breath. “Would you mind using they-them for me? I mean, he-him still works, but… I think that made a lot of sense. Like, I’m still a little confused, but I feel like… a little more light, I guess? I feel like something’s clicked in.”

A bright grin flashes across Will’s mouth, painted golden in the sunlight. “Yeah, of course! Do you want me to use them interchangeably? Like ‘This is my boyfriend, Nico, and he’s so pretty and amazing, and they’re also emo’?”

Nico nods. “Yeah, that seems fine. But… Actually, don’t say ‘boyfriend’. Just ‘partner’.”

Will threads his fingers into Nico’s, pouring his warmth into the child of Hades’ skin. “Sure.” He starts to lift himself up, but there’s a tug in his chest, an urgency. He wants to tell Nico something.

Will leans closer to Nico and wraps his arms around them. Nico flinches in surprise, but soon his own limbs circle around Will in a warm embrace.

“I just want to let you know that I’m happy for you,” Will whispers. “I know that discovering new things about yourself can be scary sometimes, or overwhelming. It’s just a lot to handle sometimes, and it can be really confusing. But I want you to know that you have me, and Kayla and Austin and Lou Ellen and Cecil and Chiara all your friends here to help you, if you need it. You can always ask us for help.” Will leans away and brushes his thumb over Nico’s face. Smiling, he adds, “Self-discover is really beautiful.”

[aroace-mako]

ok i have a,,,hot take

and i might get hate for this but here goes! and no i did not proofread this at all we die like men

so i see a lot of stuff about how the split attraction model only works for aces and aros-so for example you can’t be sexually and romantically attracted to women but only romantically attracted to men.

and honestly i don’t know if that’s true or not because i haven’t done enough research

HOWEVER

i didn’t figure out i was bi until i was about 14 or 15, and i probably wouldn’t have figured it out for a VERY long time if it weren’t for the split attraction model

psa: i am greyromantic but i wasn’t using the split attraction model in relation to my aroness

i started doing some research and concluded that i was a bisexual heteroromantic, meaning i was sexually attracted to men and women but only romantically attracted to men (keep in mind that i was thinking in very gender binaried terms because i didn’t know i was genderqueer yet).

as i got older i realized i was, in fact, romantically attracted to girls (on very low levels bc i’m greyromantic)-i have a girlfriend now! but the split attraction model was an incredibly important part of me figuring that out. it was easier for me to imagine myself making out with a girl than getting married to a girl because society taught me that of course as a woman i had to end up married to a man.

so again, i don’t know much about the split attraction model, but it really disheartens me to see how many people on this site yell at allos for using the split attraction model. it can be a very useful tool for many, whether it has merit or not.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Good Bi Love: The Unexpected Thing That Keeps Me Going When I'm Tired Of Being Bi

By Zachary Zane

January 15, 2018

This isn't something I care to admit, but it's the truth: I sometimes get tired of being bi. I get tired of justifying my sexuality to naysayers. I get tired of explaining to people that even though I primarily date men, I'm still bisexual. I get tired of feeling the need to justify or prove my sexuality, even though I know I don't have to.

The idea of settling down with one person frightens me, but not for the reasons you think. It has nothing to do with commitment. (If I do decide to be monogamous in the future, I believe I'll know and be ready.) It's because I know that if I do settle down with one person, folks will assume I'm gay if I'm married to a man or straight if I'm married to a woman. I don't like the idea of having these assumptions made about me. I don't want to appear straight or gay when I've embraced my identity as a queer, bi man.

In fact, I wonder if I do settle down with one person, whether I'll be quiet about my (bi)sexuality. Should I reaffirm my attraction to other genders, when I'm with a person of one gender? Wouldn't that make my monosexual partner feel insufficient— like they're not enough— if I'm constantly reclaiming my bisexuality? If I do decide to be monogamous or committed to one person, I want them to feel like they're enough. So constantly correcting people, telling them I'm bi, seems like I'm repeatedly reminding my partner that I'm attracted to other folks. That doesn't seem like the courteous thing to do to the person I love.

I'm exhausted from telling people that bisexuality doesn't perpetuate the binary. That the two in bi stands for genders that are your own and genders that aren't. I feel upstaged and out-queered when I say I'm bi and someone else says, Oh, I'm pansexual. Given that I'm attracted to all genders, I ask myself why I don't tell people I'm pan instead of bi. Isn't that the younger, hipper, more inclusive label that millennials are using? Why am I clinging to this older label, when there is another label, right now, that fits me?

I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it to date women. I'm currently more comfortable around men and I love gay male culture and spaces. I feel less awkward flirting with men and being myself around men. I don't question if I'm being too aggressive or too effeminate. I also get rejected significantly less by guys. So why do I put in the effort to meet women, especially straight ones? Besides, research has shown that most of the time straight women won't date me because I'm bi. So why do I try to date them?

I hate feeling part of gay culture, while simultaneously isolated by it. I hate feeling like I have this community, only to bring a girl I have a crush on out with my gay friends and to feel like a pariah and fraud. I hate how quickly gays turn on me when I simply talk about a woman, in a way that shows I'm sexually attracted to women too.

Wouldn't my life just be a hell of a lot easier if I identified as gay? If I only spoke about, dated, screwed, and loved men?

Yes, I believe it undoubtedly would be... if I were gay.

But I am not. I'm not gay at all. I never have been, and I never will be.

And while at times I may question whether it's worth it— so to speak— to claim the bi label, I always come to the same conclusion: Yes, it really is.

And it's something somewhat unexpected that brings me back to this conclusion. It's not that I want to live my life as my most authentic self (although that's part of it). It's not my desire to claim my own identity for myself and not to give other people that power over me (although that's part of it, too).

It's my exes.

I have been blessed to have dated some of the most incredible people in the entire world. From my first love, Sarah. She taught me that I have the capacity to love and care for others more than I love myself. She also helped me with the self-esteem issues I struggled with when I was 16. She saw the diamond in the rough before anyone else did.

To Jenny, the genderqueer/transgender bi dominatrix who I dated for a year after college. She was the first person to unconditionally accept me for who I was after coming out as bi. She pushed me to question myself and others.

To my most recent ex, Jason. He introduced me to polyamory, helped me overcome my issues surrounding jealousy, and encouraged me to explore myself more. We were one of the most compatible couples that have ever existed. I shared many of my happiest moments in life with him. In fact, many were directly because of him.

It's clear that each one of the people I loved helped me grow as a person. They all challenged me. They've all taught me things about myself, others, society, culture, history, art, and everything else imaginable.

They were also all folks of various genders.

It pains me to think that if I forced a route of being gay or straight or anything else other than bi, I wouldn't have had these experiences. I wouldn't have had these lovers. These people who shaped who I am. If I forced a monosexual route now, I would be forgoing intimate relationships with future partners too. Nor do I ever want to deny the important role these relationships played in my life. I'm only 26. I have my whole life ahead of me. Many more partners to share my life with. Many people to love and to love me.

I believe that we were put on this Earth to make meaningful connections. To have loving relationships. Being bi has allowed me to connect with more incredible people. Thus, only in embracing my bisexuality, and my attraction to all genders, can I live my life to the fullest.

[raavenb2619]

Can I call myself a genderqueer woman if I am afab? It fits me better than just being a binary woman but...I kinda feel bad calling myself genderqueer since I am not trans.

Tl;dr is yes, that’s alright. 

I thought my answer to this was going to be short, but then I did some more research and it got way longer. The history of the term “genderqueer” is actually really interesting, since it touches on “transgender” and “nonbinary” in ways both simple and complex. (Most of this info is pulled from here.) 

“Genderqueer” was originally coined to be very vague and broad, with intentional connotations of non-normativity (literally “queering” gender), including in experience or expression of gender. In the 1990s and early 2000s, the term “transgender” was starting to narrow in scope from a broad umbrella term to only refer to trans men and trans women who had had (or wanted to have) bottom surgery. One consequence of this narrowing was that many people who didn’t meet the strict criteria of “transgender”, but still felt their gender was queer in someway, started to use “genderqueer” to describe themselves. 

“Nonbinary” was coined around 2010 or so to be a more neutral umbrella term encompassing anyone who didn’t fit into the gender binary, without the political connotations of “genderqueer”. Over time, it’s become more popular as an umbrella term and stand-alone identity, while the popularity of “genderqueer” has started to diminish. “Nonbinary” and “genderqueer” ostensibly (and often do) have a lot of overlap, but in practice there are some differences in experiences you might notice between people who call themselves “genderqueer” and people who call themselves “nonbinary”. 

Genderqueer people tend to see themselves as “queering gender”, sometimes due to their gender identity (whether it fits into the binary or not), but sometimes due to their presentation and expression of a binary gender identity (for example, a genderqueer woman). Nonbinary people tend to see themselves more aligned with transgender experiences and see their gender identity as falling outside of the gender binary. (Again, this is in no way a universal rule.)

So, what does that mean for you? Well, there are a couple takeaways. First, not all genderqueer people consider themselves to be trans, so you don’t need to feel bad about calling yourself genderqueer if you don’t think of yourself as trans. Secondly, even if you think of yourself as 100% cis (maybe you do, or maybe you don’t since you don’t feel like “binary woman” fits you), you can consider yourself to be a genderqueer woman. 

One last note: if you feel kind of like a woman but kind of not, or only partially connected to femininity or gender, you might find it helpful to read about demigirl/demigender. If you decide it fits you, great, and if you decide you prefer to call yourself a genderqueer woman, that’s great too. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[waywardmasquerade]

is there any reason you dont make a dragon dice bag with the regular lesbian flag? I have never seen that femme flag before

Unfortunately the answer to that is very long. Apologies if I repeat myself or overexplain, events around the world have me rather frazzled.

To my knowledge, there is no regular lesbian flag. There have been multiple proposed lesbian flags, but in my research I’ve never found one that has broad community support.

There’s the purple labrys flag from the 70s or 80s (I think?), which apparently has historical issues and isn’t widely recognised today.

There’s the lipstick flag, which has much more recent issues related to it’s creator (transphobia, biphobia, racism) as well as not resonating with the butch & non femme parts of the community.

There have been multiple edits to the lipstick flag, first the lipstick kiss was removed, though I don’t know who by or the intention behind it. Then it was simplified to include more orange and brown.

Then it was simplified again to the five bar orange/pink flag.

All these edits have been called different things by different people.

There have also been a LOT of other proposed flags, including a “sapphic” lesbian flag (based on one of Sappho’s poems), which is interesting in itself because historical Sappho was thought to be bisexual. If you go hunting you’ll find dozens of proposed designs.

At the time I was researching and designing the lesbian pride Dragon Bagon, the lipstick flag and sapphic flag were the ones that showed up most in my research. I did not feel comfortable using the lipstick flag, and the sapphic flag was not recognised by the folks in my beta group. So I settled for modifying the first or or second iteration of the modified lipstick flag (there was no way I could fit all those slightly different shades in) and because I knew it didn’t resonate with many of the butch lesbians I had feedback from, I called it the “femme” lesbian Dragon Bagon, because I did not feel comfortable making a decision and putting a label on the entire lesbian community when it clearly didn’t fit a lot of people in it. I have since been keeping an eye out for a possible butch flag or symbol, there was support for a plaid Dragon Bagon, but plaid microfleece has not become available despite my searches. I’m hoping that will eventually change.

As it is, I am gathering feedback regarding the 5 bar flag, and while some of it has definitely been positive, some has also been negative. I also don’t feel comfortable just making a unilateral decision on behalf of the lesbian community when it does not yet seem like there is yet community consensus on a flag, though the 5 bar flag definitely seems to be steadily gaining popularity. I’ll have one person tell me that it definitely IS the “community flag”, while another tells me they don’t identify with it at all.

There are also another couple of factors:

I realise that folks who don’t do the job I do will not necessarily realise the level of work involved in prototyping and putting a design into a level of production that makes it affordable. Suffice it to say, there is a lot. So I can’t take changing established designs lightly. The Pride Dragon Bagons are already underpriced for the work that is involved in them. That was a conscious choice I made because I wanted to give something to a community I value. Making the price they’re at even remotely doable for me means we need to produce pride dragon bagons in batches, not one by one. It also means that I have to think carefully before making more of the designs that aren’t like to sell as well. Making new pride designs is not a low cost enterprise, but I want them to be there to at least say to as many of the less represented members of the LGBTQIA2+ community as possible: “I see you”, even if they never buy a Dragon from me, seeing how the photos make people happy is a boost. So I’m balancing the need for representation with the budget as well.

How well a design sells (and therefore funds us making more) is a combination of factors, for a start, it’s a matter of how many people there are within a given section of the wider LGBTQIA2+ community, and then what segment of that group has the disposable income to afford a handmade Dragon Bagon, plus what segment of that group wants to spend that much on a handmade Dragon Bagon. All that comes into play before we get to how pretty the design is, how well it matches the flag, how well I can reach that specific group, etc. Then there’s if there are multiple flags that segments of those groups identify with (e.g. Genderqueer vs Non Binary), and there’s also the matter of folks identifying with multiple flags, which usually means there’s one they want a Dragon for one more than others, which adjusts the numbers as well. And as cold and calculating as it might feel to me sometimes, I do have to keep an eye on the numbers if I want to be able to keep operating (and as a result, producing pride dragons) at all.

The next thing to consider is the availability of fabrics and colour matching. As it is right now, I only have access to colours that would possibly be an acceptable match for two or three of the colours in the 5 bar flag in your avatar. That may change in the future, and I’m always looking for new colours. I also need to consider that while a colour is available now, it may not be in three months time, which means if I want a reasonable supply I need to buy a lot in one go, which for a small business running out of my lounge, is not insignificant. So I need to be sure I can use the fabric before I buy it. While I don’t expect to profit hugely from the pride dragons, I do need to cover my costs and make something of a living for myself, and my helper deserves to be paid a living wage for their time and effort as well.

The last thing is that, despite putting more time and research into the lesbian pride design than any of the others, it has been the one that has received the least support both in terms of sales, and in terms of actual engagement and feedback on the design when I have called for it in the past. It’s also the community (or at least, the community that folks being unpleasant presented themselves as being from) that has directed the most aggression towards me. Even when I have clearly labelled the Lesbian Pride design in the lineup, I have received less-than-pleasant comments about “forgetting” lesbians or demands to know “where is the lesbian one”. Yet when I have called for feedback in the past, there was far less engagement than with many other groups. So it feels like a rock and a hard place for me, it got so hurtful that I actually stopped researching potential new pride designs for quite some time.  So when there’s been very little support in terms of feedback, engagement, and sales from this community, alongside some fairly unpleasant comments as well. I don’t know what else I can do, and it doesn’t help with inspiration and creativity. I realise that a few angry people who apparently don’t bother to read posts before lashing out do not represent the whole community, but it’s only been recently that there’s been an increase in useful feedback on this particular design as well.

Will I make a new lesbian pride dragon? Maybe. I can’t give a timeframe, I can’t say which flag it will follow, because I don’t know. I’m doing research as and when I can, and keeping an eye on a lot of different factors. That being said, IF I make a new one, I will be trying to prioritise rep for butch lesbians, since I have not been able to give them that so far.

All that being said, I am 100% willing to make custom custom Dragon Bagons for those who want them, and that can definitely include pride designs. They cost more, but I do try to keep the cost down as much as possible.

[fatter-in-real-life]

Coming Out (Again)

If you’re anything like me (and a lot of people are, it seems), you’ve come out repeatedly over time with new facets of your queer/2SLGBTQIAA identity. And now it’s time for me to come out again.

For many years, I thought I was broken. I thought, as an AFAB person, that I *should* be thin and dainty and, well, femme. Internalized misogyny aside, I was unhappy with my label and felt like an impostor. So I tried on a new one: tomboy. But that didn’t fit right either. Because “tomboy” implied that I eschewed all things “feminine” and embraced “masculinity”. Which, again, internalized misogyny.

I shed that label and, at 28, discovered *genderqueer*, which felt much better. However, I didn’t want to admit that a little, tiny part of my brain still screamed, “Imposter!!” Over the past almost 5 years, I just accepted that I will always feel broken and fake. Until something amazing happened, from somewhere incredibly unexpected.

Two weeks ago, my roommate’s husband bought me a Switch Lite and a copy of Animal Crossing. I’ve played every day since. I thought it was just a fun way to pass the time and a cute distraction, but tonight, I realized the truth. It’s actually a vehicle for self discovery. I am not cis or genderqueer. I am genderfluid. Femininity always felt safe, despite also feeling wrong. I felt like I could just blend in and disappear if I acted and dressed like I was “supposed to”. Dresses weren’t outfits; they were armor that I donned to protect myself from the world. Makeup was my war paint that hid my true face.

So what changed? What part of a game about tending to my own little island was the catalyst for this revelation? The character customization. You don’t choose your gender. You choose your *style*. But beyond that, I found that, though I did dress my character in pretty dresses and skirts, those were mostly for cosplay purposes, and when I was dressing my character in a way that I felt reflected me, it was in traditionally masculine apparel. And I finally felt safe. I finally felt real.

This may all seem very silly, deciding my identity based on a video game, but it’s so much more than that. I’ve always struggled with accepting my body. Partly because of society’s (and my own internalized) fatphobia, but also because I felt like my breasts were too small to be “right”. I felt like my body was wrong because it wasn’t feminine enough. I would spend hours wishing for bigger breasts, researching nearby plastic surgeons, and buying double padded bras. But that wasn’t the whole story. Because some days, I would don “masculine” clothing and I would wish for my breasts to disappear altogether. I would hide them in too small bras that squished and constricted them to hide their existence.

I didn’t know the term “dysphoria” back then. And when I learned it, I didn’t connect the dots. But in recent years I’ve skirted the idea of my bodily discomfort being dysphoria. I’ve finally admitted to myself that dressing in a masculine fashion and being seen as something other than a cis woman is actually very important to me.

I never truly grasped this concept because in my head, I’m not a man. I’m not a woman either. But I am sometimes. One, the other, or even both. All I know is that my memories of childhood include wishing I was a boy. Wishing I could just be a boy and not have to be a girl anymore. Wishing my body was just one or the other.

I don’t consider myself FtM trans*, but I do fall under the trans* umbrella. I don’t want any surgeries (though transitioning surgically and choosing to only transition socially are both completely valid), but I am going to start changing my gender expression. In quarantine, I’ve been avoiding my ultra padded bras (and pretty much all bras, but that’s beside the point), I’ve been dressing in less “gendered” clothing, and I’ve never been more comfortable.

I think it’s time I buy a binder and explore how that makes me feel. I want to get some less traditionally feminine glasses and clothing. I want to finally be *me*.

So yes, Animal Crossing: New Horizons was the catalyst for my paradigm shift. But I feel like I never would have come to these conclusions without the time I’ve had to be alone with my thoughts. Basically, I’m turning lemons (the horrifying tragedy that is this pandemic), and turning them into lemonade (self exploration). 

I’ll leave you all with a wish for your safety, a hope for the betterment of our world post-COVID-19, and condolences to anyone who has suffered loss during these trying times.