#i should start journaling instead of how i use tumblr. right?

[hippo-pot]

i kinda hate who i am on tumblr too (showing up only to reblog funny posts or vent, nothing else, it's not like i'm exploring a creative side on here) but i Cannot go back to facebook

[utilitycaster]

What’s wild to me is when the purple and black hearts stans start lying about how a lot of beaujes shippers reacted to beauyahsa. Like they were out here calling beauyasha a ship for straight people and accusing the cast of queerbaiting because one wlw ship was canon instead of another one. I’ll never forget when someone said that Beau was a problematic predatory lesbian stereotype because they were mad she never confessed her feelings for Jester.

It goes to what you’ve been saying that very little has happened between Laudna and Imogen romantically so a lot of people have resorted to yelling about other things and accusing people who don’t like the ship of being homophobic. As a lesbian I wanted to love the ship so much but it doesn’t interest in and it’s so disheartening to be accused of hating wlw relationship or be told that I’m not watching the show right.

Hey anon,

I feel like I keep using the word "ahistoric" but god does it fit like...the ugly truth is that, at least on Tumblr, the main detractors from Beauyasha by the end of the campaign were people who shipped Beau and Jester; again, there will always be some misogyny and homophobia and bigotry in the fandom so long as these exist in the real world, but like, it was not homophobes saying Beauyasha was For The Straights.

(also...how is it problematic and predatory to...not confess your feelings for someone if you have no intention of acting on them because you and they are both in other relationships. This is besides the point of this ask but I swear the people who were mad at the C2 canon ships were on a new level of dipshittery; they kept asking for Closure (TM) and it's like most normal people, if they have an unrequited crush and then enter into a relationship with someone else, never tell the person about the crush because it's awkward and there's literally nothing to do or say about it. Like, the typical path forward for closure is like, telling your therapist or journalling or making an angsty playlist, not Confessing Your Love while you're both in relationships with someone else.)

I do think this history is relevant though because in many ways...the behavior of people who shipped Beau and Jester paved the way for the open dislike of Imogen and Laudna we see today. Why should I listen to someone who calls me homophobic for not liking a lesbian ship when they called me homophobic and straight last campaign for liking a lesbian ship they didn't like? Why would I ever listen to a random person who does not know me through anything but our shared interest in the same Actual Play show's assessment of my feminist credentials based on the fact that I don't want the same two characters to kiss as they do? Why would I ever bother to try hit their ever moving target instead of saying "ok" and moving on?

Which isn't to say it doesn't suck. I've gotten questions about how to not be bothered or disheartened before from others, and I don't have great advice because I happen to just, through a combination of personal experience and natural tendencies not be much of a people pleaser, but like...I mean, you're the only person who can know if you're a lesbian. That's really it. Not particularly caring about a specific F/F ship very obviously does not disqualify you from being a lesbian, which we know because otherwise we could just as easily say that not shipping Beauyasha would disqualify you from being a lesbian. They can say whatever they want; it's annoying, but it's bullshit and I think even they know it. (the alternative of course is that they're very, very stupid and do not know it.)

[magickkate]

Hey, I would like to hear your advice. I was introduced to magick 3-5 years back. I keep going back and forth like I study the basics and start a book of shadows and then I quit for a long time only to start practicing again. I also follow LOA (Law of assumption) and manifest on a daily basis.

1. I think I am scared and i don't know why? And it gets worse because I believe in energies and it messes me up so bad.

2. I am a hindu and I love my religion and I feel like I am betraying it or something.

I am confused and I want your help. Should I start practicing again? If I could start over what should I start with?

Thank you so much for this safe space. Looking forward to your reply.

Thanks for your patience while I get back into the swing of checking Tumblr inbox messages! (there's been a glitch in mine that has a constant "4 messages in inbox" that aren't there, but it won't update the number if there are less than 4 messages actually in there.

It's perfectly okay to feel conflicted and uncertain when it comes to integrating different practices, especially when they intersect with deeply held beliefs. Here’s how you might approach this situation:

1. Understanding the Fear

The fear you’re experiencing might be linked to the unknown or the potential consequences of working with energies. Magick can feel powerful and mysterious, and if you're unsure about what you're tapping into, that uncertainty can be daunting.

Grounding Practices: You might find it helpful to establish grounding routines that anchor you in the present moment and remind you of your strength and control over your practice. This could be as simple as a daily meditation, focusing on your breath, or a small ritual of protection or cleansing.

Journaling: Keeping a journal (or continuing your Book of Shadows or Grimoire, or however you consider your magic book) where you explore these fears in writing could help you unravel their origins and face them with more clarity.

2. Balancing Hinduism and Magick

Feeling like you're betraying your religion is a significant concern, and it's important to respect those feelings. However, it’s also worth exploring whether your magickal practices can coexist with your religious beliefs. I certainly felt something like this when I was developing my practice while also being a part of a Christian religion as far as my background. I definitely had to gain some insight into methods and ways of devotion that best suited my practice AND religious beliefs.

Integration: Since Hinduism has a rich spiritual tradition that includes various forms of prayer, ritual, and mantras, you can integrate your spiritual practices in a way that honors both your Hindu beliefs and your magickal inclinations.

Research: Look into aspects of Hinduism that resonate with magickal practices. For example, using yantras (sacred diagrams), mantras (sacred sounds), and deity worship could be seen as forms of ritual magick.

3. Deciding Whether to Start Again

If you decide to start practicing again, consider doing so in a way that feels safe and aligned with your beliefs.

Start Small: Begin with simple practices that feel right for you, such as daily affirmations, energy work, or protection rituals. These can be gateways to deeper practices once you feel more comfortable.

Focus on Alignment: Choose practices that resonate with both your spiritual and magickal paths. For example, using a mantra or prayer from your Hindu tradition as part of your ritual work.

4. Starting Over

If you want to start over, it might help to build a foundation that addresses both your spiritual beliefs and your desire to practice magick.

Reframe Your Practice: Instead of seeing magick as separate from your religious beliefs, try to view it as an extension of your spiritual practice. You could focus on energy work, meditation, and ritual that aligns with both your Hindu beliefs and your interest in magick.

Educational Resources: Revisit the basics with a fresh perspective. Books that cover the intersection of spirituality and magick, or those that offer a more holistic approach, might help you build a practice that feels authentic and respectful of your beliefs.

This is a personal journey, and it’s important to move at a comfortable pace. Your spiritual path is unique, and there’s no right or wrong way to explore it.

Let me know if this answers your question! Feel free to message me directly, I'd love to chat and get to know you! Happy practicing, friend!

[arjunasearth]

it is so freeing to talk to your best friend. She understands me like no other and truly is my soulsister. I am so deeply thankful for her understanding, patience and her not being judgemental no matter what happened to me or what I did / how I behave. It means so so much to have friends like her in my life. I am going through so many processes of healing recently, it's being going on for such a long time.And it will go on and on. It cannot happen overnight. To break open and to release so much hurt also means feeling it , feeling through it so that we can allow it to exit our being as it has entered us and stayed there way too long. Ive locked myself. Ofc, I shared bits and parts about my healing process and the pain I am going through here on tumblr. But what really almost broke me was locking my thoughts and feelings up and judging myself for talking about them with people,especially my closest friends. I felt shame towards myself and it is only now when I started talking about it more openly that I realize how much pain there actually still is and has been stuck, stagnant for too long. It is time for me to let all of this pain go, to release. To share and to be vulnerable. Because being vulnerable is nothing bad at all. It is true strength. Towards my heart and soul. It it the inititation for healing , for feeling and for releasing. Writing has always helped me to release, ofc writing physically in my book helps more than digital writing tbh but it's still a freeing process. It is releasing and sharing deep thoughts and feelings. But I also understood and learned (the hard way) that we are never alone with our pain and hurt, there will always be people who listen if we do not lock ourselves up in our heads / ignore our pain. There are many ways to release for me, first of all, movement. I can let go of burdening energy when I move and come back to my center, vibing with the flow. But talking , being listened to in person and non-judgementally...sisterhood and brotherhood...this is what I truly have been lacking and missing all the time because I felt ashamed, not ready, bad for talking about my pain , my hurt , the abuse I experienced. I think it is a HUGE step to open up and to allow vulnerability in my life. I was so fixated on my expartner and how I can help him feeling, healing , that I almost lost my self and began to numb my feelings and thoughts. And I understand that this has been fundamentally wrong. Because in a way, I ignored my needs.My being and who I was and still am, where I have changed and what I really need in my life. My friends and family brought me back and fully support me in this processes and they have always been there. It was me who turned my back on them, without wanting to hurt them in any way-and they never judged me for that and still don't. I am not someone who is judgemental in any way and yet I realize that I have been so judgemental towards myself instead! This should not be the case. It is never wrong to speak up about how I feel and what hurt and hurts me. Its is my birthright to do so. To share. To communicate. Breaking out of this very toxic patterns in my head (and life) really frees me right now. It is like dropping so much burden, pain and hurt that I carried on my back like a waaay too heavy sack that I have been carrying for too long, for years and even decades of my life. Breaking out hurts but also feels so right, as it is supposed to feel I guess. Also coming more and more back to my journalling practice helps.I am worthy of support, guidance and help. I am worthy to reach out when I am being deeply overwhelmed with my emotions. I am worthy of vulernability, towards myself and others. I am worthy of not being judged in any way as I dont judge others.I am worthy of coming back to my true essence, my inner child , releasing deep pain and hurt.

Blessed Lunar Year Y'all <3

Strong Energies are head.

May we all transition gently into this new lunar cycle.~~

Sending love <3

[tcfkag]

2024 and the Return of the To-Done List

So, after a year during which (a) our daughter ran full-speed (literally) into the trying two's, (b) I had multi-focal pneumonia that resulted in a week or two in the hospital (including a brief sojourn in the ICU), (c) I had bizarre, seemingly inexplicable seizures for the first time ever [which meant I couldn't drive for six months...right after we moved to a semi-"rural" town...for the northeast that is], (d) had an acute kidney injury, (e) had several bouts of unexplained pitting edema in my legs, (f) started a new job that I actually really like, even if there is a steep learning curve, and (g) lost my Mom after a long battle with mild to moderate dementia/Alzheimer's that then dropped off a cliff into end-stage dementia in less than six months (depending on how you count it), and (h) just generally felt like I was never managing my physical or mental health as well as I could or should be, I'm going to try to make some changes. These aren't resolutions because I truly think that New Year's resolutions just set you up to fail. Instead, I'd call them goals. Or, at least, hope that I want to support with action as much as I can. While still giving myself grace knowing that I can and probably will mess up along the way. But, the first step is that I'm going to try to bring back a kind of journaling-like activity (since I suck at journaling) that my old therapist recommended when I was feeling like this before. Each day I make a list, generally on Tumblr for at least a tiny modicum of peer pressure, and I just make a list of everything I've done that day. No matter how big or how small. As she put it "make it your base assumption that each day, you will do absolutely nothing, so you get credit for everything, even things as simple as showering. I frequently restart these lists when my depression and anxiety have gotten bad enough that I know I'm not taking care of myself, mentally and physically, so a big part of my goals are (a) to move more [in whatever form that takes], (b) eating healthier, and (c) to take care of several medical/dental appointments that I've been putting off for way too long. The beauty of the list is that, a lot of the time, I ended up doing stuff BECAUSE of the list. So that I won't be staring at an empty page as I try to make my list each year.

Things I'm proud of today...so far:

when we took Peanut to the trampoline park to burn off some of her "no daycare today suckers" energy and this time, I bought a jump pass for myself. I only made it ~30 minutes but it was a great work-out. 10/10 would recommend.

I took the dogs for the "long" trail walk out to the back of our property,

I did a core and flexibility routine this morning,

I decided to take one for the team and point out to my Uncle that the nostalgia he feels about Aunt Jemimah as a syrup mascot isn't as important as the company making money off the likeness of a woman who died 100 years ago who was used as a stand in for the generic idea of what an enslaved (or recently freed) Black woman did or should do, and (finally)

this one is a few days late, but not only did we drive 12+ hours to visit my in-laws for Christmas, but we also stopped in NJ in both directions to pick up Monotasker's Aunt who is 80-years-old, hard of hearing, and in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimer's and I didn't even lose my shit at a single person...even the ones who deserved it.

Happy New Years everyone!

"May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows." (Jason Mraz) And even if the worst of your todays are the best of your tomorrows, I hope you can still find your way out and through by the light of the moon to guide you.

[bookofkatherine]

Distracted by an Angel: Chris Hemsworth Kicks Silver Surfer to the Curb

Thursday August 22, 2024 5:55 p.m.

Dear Journal,

Fucking Chris Hemsworth, man. It's like he knew - he KNEW - I had just logged onto Tumblr and was about to write a post about Chris Evans and maybe even John Krasinski.

And he couldn't have that now, could he? Oh no. Ohhh NO! (He's one of the more competitive angels among my Knights.) So! He sent me this photo instead. He knew what it would do. He knew I hadn't seen it before. He knew I'd be totally and utterly distracted. That was the goal.

And it worked.

Now what am I supposed to do!?!?!

Gone are my plans to write about killing the Silver Surfer this morning... down the drain. Whoosh!

Gone are my plans to write about another angel among us, Ryan Gosling, and how Denzel Washington's role in the Equalizer movies are all based on real-life adventures Ryan has actually lived.

Gone are all the poems I planned to write, share and read. Gone are all the news stories, the love stories and the ideas I had in my head to share here, there and everywhere - gone, gone, gone!!!

Even poor Tom Hiddleston, trapped on the Otherside, who was finally allowed to reconnect with me today, taking me past the brink of ecstasy for the first time in what feels like eternity - no posts about him. No thoughts about him. No laying back in bed to remember where he put his fingers and lips...

No. Not even Tom's recommendations for our next rendevous helped.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

As much as I should be thinking about wrapping a black silk tie around my wrist and wearing nothing but lingerie with the black-bow heels Tom sent me... Nope!

I'm just thinking about Thor's hands.

Or should I say... hand.

Because - Mr. Thor knows exactly what he can do with his right hand. And he knows that I know how talented he is with that hand too.

Dammit.

And I know, I know.

Why isn't Chris Hemsworth sending me photos from the hotel room he's in right now?

Well.... that would break protocol. I don't even send him original photos. None of us in The Order do. It's too risky.

Instead we have various handles, accounts and pseudonyms all over the internet to share our lives with each other without compromising our locations or our safety. We are in the most dangerous battle, after all, the Final War. It's much easier to send each other media from before, when the Last Battle hadn't begun yet.

For example, Tom Hiddleston is on the Otherside. The dead don't have smart phones. Cameras are most definitely not allowed.

The best he can do is make me small Loki's in the clouds when I go out for a drive. Before he was sent to the Otherside, when he was here, he'd make giant Loki clouds with enormous horns, horns that were bigger than my house.

But now he has to settle for itty bitty horns atop a tiny Loki cloud. I don't mind. I'd rather see him in the clouds than lose him altogether.

Cap (Chris Evans) is on my lawn helping to train the Knights for war. No one thinks to take a photo while training in the arena. If they did, Merlin the Wizard would probably appear out of thin air and confiscate the phone.

And Chris Hemsworth? Thor himself!?

Well... he's in a hotel room with the final prophet who just arrived a couple of weeks ago. Oh, they aren't alone. The prophet's son is there, and Chris, Merlin, Dumbledore, Kyle, Jordan and even my husband Nick aare all there to save the son's life.

Why is the prophet's son in danger of dying? Well, you can thank Chris Hemworth for that - and Tom Hiddleston. Those two tinker with fucking magic like they really are gods instead of fucking angels.

You know what? Don't get me started. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. I was supposed to marry that prophet over a decade ago, before Nick. And those two angels - Tom/Loki and Chris/Thos - got so jealous that they cast spells on us to break us up.

And not once... those two did it TWICE!!!

Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!

"I love ya, babe," Chris Hemsworth just said. Yeah. Yeah. He knows I'm in love with him. I can't help it. So he's just giving me a wink and a smile.

You know why?

Because he sent me THESE!!!

I didn't even know he could ride!!!! Did you!?!? Holy fucking Christ!!!! This is totally unfair!!!

And he knows I go weak in the knees for this smile, especially when he's with adorable animals.

I still remember why, though:

Alexander Skarsgard and the lamb. Remember that photo??? And all the others like it? (Oh. Right. You might be new. Alex was the first angel I ever fell in love with. That was back in 2014. I didn't meet Chris Hemsworth until December 2023 - but he had been guarding me since I was born. So he got pretty jealous of Alex when the Lord allowed him into my life long, long, long before Chris Hemsworth.)

Anyhow - a bunch of the angels began taking photos like this after Alex took these for me while away.

Yeah. Adorable right?

How no one figured out that Alexander Skarsgard was a literal angel walking among us before now, I'll never know. The signs were all that. That man... well. I guess that's another post.

*happy sigh*

Anyhow!!!

Chris Hemsworth sent me this too. And goddammit - I just can't resist. My brain is full of him now, and the result?

The result is as folllows:

-I didn't spend time with anyone in the Dreamworld

-I didn't write the poem Original Sin for Cap (Chris Evans) like I planned too

-I didn't stretch my new muscles out after a vigorous lovemaking session with John, Tom and the Knights, when my muscles were nice and warm

-I didn't get healing (many of the Knights can heal me through the Dreamworld)

-I didn't write about anyone else except for Chris Hemsworth/Thor again, when I haven't written about anyone else on here yet!!!

Oh, dear journal.

I fucking killed the Silver Surfer at 6:00 a.m. in the morning today. And it's not even on my mind.

My boy had got me all caught up.

I suppose, in the end, it's a good problem to have.

I mean.... would you LOOK at him??? He just sent this at lunch. It's as if he was saying, "I'm gonna drive you nuts later today - and you know what? You're going to love me anyway, babe."

And you know what?

He was right.

Note: I call Chris Hemsworth by both of his names: Thor and Chris. I call him Thor at times because he does indeed have most of the powers attributed to Thor Odinson.

I'll write about this more in the future, but the angels of Earth were often called gods by various cultures. Angels are immortal. They don't die. They are sent to either heaven or the Pit, a prison for the Fallen.

Anyhow, Chris Hemsworth is an angel. He can walk among us, just like the angels did when they visited Enoch, Daniel, Mary, Joseph and John the Apostle. Angels even visited Sodom and Gemorrah. And at all times, these angels are described as tall, bronze, buff and hot as hell.

Sounds like Chris Hemsworth to me.

I mean, he can fly.

The man has wings. Hell, I have wings! A lot of people in The Order do.

But my point is, Chris Hemsworth is not just an angel, he is one of the most powerful angels ever created. Around the world he was called various names, including Thor and even Alexander the Great.

But the majority of his adventures have been told in the movies under the name Thor. I mean, he is Tom Hiddleston's brother. (And yes, Tom Hiddleston is also pretty fucking powerful. He has Loki's powers, as one of the twelve Olympians - though in Rome he was called Hephaestus.)

Thank you for reading!!! I love you guys!!! I post @ prophetsjournal on Twitter the most often. It's just easier. But I'm glad I joined the Tumblr community. There's so much freedom here, and the readers are just fantastic.

Love you!!! Have an AMAZING day!

(And, by the way, you should really read my stuff while you're on your way to the New Earth. Like Noah Ark, the Lord's provided a way out of this apocalypse/climate change. Take it! I'm only here to fight Satan back so you can go ahead to safety without interruption. Please do!!! Before the pearly gate portals close. xoxo, K)

[irisopranta]

So what was the process of creating Iris? Was she always an Elezen? How did you decide on her race/name/appearance etc?

Was she always an Elezen? How did you decide on her race/name/appearance etc?

No, actually. Before Iris, there was L'hanzu. When I first started out I was a Seeker of the Sun Miqo'te named L'hanzu Rhiki. I played her for three years before I was starting to get bored of her look. I tried just changing her hair and anything that I could with the aesthetician. Nothing really felt right and thought I should try fantasia her. Before I used the free fantasia I got from the MSQ, I decided to perform some crimes to see what I wanted. Because I was fantasiaing I decided that everything was on the table, including race changing. Here is a picture of L'hanzu before switching to Iris:

So why Elezen? Because I like them since Heavensward. I actually almost rolled a Duskwright instead of the Wildwood that she is now. Here is Duskwright Iris:

I didn't go with Duskwright because I wanted a warmer skin tone which I wasn't going to get with Duskwright. A Fun fact here I was going to go with the greenish teal eyes with the final version of Iris' look but I ended up selecting the wrong character data when I loaded up the data and ended up with the deep blue eyes from a previous version of Iris. I didn't feel like getting another fantasia to fix that. As another fun fact, that is where Iris' mom's eye color comes from.

As for her name, I ran with L'hanzu's name for a few months after changing to an elezen. I knew that her first name was going to be Iris as I just like that name for years. It was the last name that eluded me for three months. What I ended up doing was asking my husband irl if I can use his typical RP last name, which was Opranta. He was cool with it and thought it was okay as her always stole my usual character names for his RP characters.

So what was the process of creating Iris?

So all the appearance change to Iris happen almost a year ago. Some of things from L'hanzu translated to Iris, such as her caring personality. I actually didn't start write her back story until December of last year.

As for my process, I learned from Illyana (my Pathfinder character that had from 2016) I should answer questions or write journal entries as though I was that character. It is actually the reason I take up ask memes on tumblr. So in a way you are seeing me actively work on her character anytime I do a writing prompt or answer a question sent to me.

Thanks for the ask @sasslett

[irarelypostanything]

All The Random Thoughts (social media, blogging, tech layoffs)

I had three ideas for a blog this morning (it’s 3:30AM): *Write about how proud I am for waking up that early, with self-deprecating humor.  Heavily imply that I immediately fall asleep while writing it *Talk about over-sharing.  Talk about our tendency to experience vicariously instead of “looking into ourselves,” outsourcing our emotions *Finally, talk about IBonds as an investment.  Talk about that encounter with a YouTube singer who said she hates talking about money, so she decided to talk about personal finance...but in reality she was more comfortable talking to her youtube audience about it than she was to people in real life.  An IBond makes enough to keep up with inflation, period.  Full stop.  There are drawbacks to that When I blog now, it’s for money...sort of.  The blog has all but flatlined.  In 2022 it made $1300, pre-tax, and in February 2023 I think it’s made about $6.

There’s this weird thing that happens to me when I blog.  I suppose when I write, in my dream I envision this one person getting to know my thoughts and really benefiting and really feeling good because they found it.  That hasn’t been my experience.  When you blog, you write for the world - so in my first experience going viral, I remember how every single sentence of what I wrote on Medium was scrutinized, with whole Reddit threads spawning about a single number I included after a 5-second Google search.  In hindsight I’m glad, because it was quite a story and because the post was innocuous, but at the time it was pretty overwhelming and really not that fun.

Had I known about monetization, maybe I would have at least made a few thousand dollars from it.  Then again, maybe it would be much lower...and the people on HackerNews would probably have hated it more.

****

So someone on Medium wrote about a rude customer, as she works in service.  I thought, huh, if he filed a formal complaint and you feel it was unfair, maybe you shouldn’t blog about it to the world with your real name.

But who am I to judge?  I’m doing that right now.  The internet is not really that anonymous, and in many cases it is really not that hard to find out who people are.

I was thinking about that, and then that famous Google TikTok of someone who used to talk about how great Google was, then talked about how abrupt the layoff was.  Naturally, as this is the internet, people descended on her with all kinds of comments that were variations of, “maybe if you spent less time making TikToks and more times working, you wouldn’t have gotten laid off.“

Data point of one, but I know at least one person in a similar position (business) who DIDN’T make TikToks about the Google campus and was laid off.

*****

On a recent popular blog post on one of my three Medium tech blogs, one person wrote, be concise. Don’t waste my time. Consolidate that shit and deliver what your title said.

I didn’t like it.  It was too commanding, reminding me of a stern middle school writing teacher telling me why I got a C for my work.  But he had a point.  At least here, on Tumblr, I can feel a little more comfortable being a little less coherent.  No one really reads my Tumblr unless I use hashtag RWBY, so...again...I picture that one person reading it and really connecting to it.

Which is dumb.  That’s what journals are for.  I suppose my thoughts here are somewhat filtered, but not that filtered.

Which is a segue to the one on TikTok crying about Google.  Why would you record yourself crying?  It shouldn’t be judgment, it should be something said earnestly.  Why do people do that?  Why do I do that?  I suppose I wouldn’t make a TikTok, as video is not my medium, but I probably would feel the urge to write something about it, even if I didn’t state the company or the circumstances very explicitly.

Why would you first response, when you start crying, be to make a video of yourself crying?

******

I recall that in college, I once asked Sonya what she was reading.  She would spend her time reading actual literature, while I was stacking self-help.

Now I am surrounded by hundreds of dollars worth of self-help bullshit, all of which is relatively expensive, whereas you can get the complete works of Shakespeare for 50 cents if you’re feeling fancy or 0 cents if you know what a library is.  50 cents gets it to you on Kindle.

Maybe I should see what Shakespeare says about this, or at least one of the shit self-help books.

[hannahhasafact]

Gonna treat my tumblr like a journal and ramble some thoughts, feel free to read if you want:

Little by little, my apartment is becoming a place that doesn’t feel… embarrassing? Like being an adult woman, many of my friends and family my age have living situations that are nice. In some ways, I feel like my apartment still looks like one a college kid lives in, and it’s just embarrassing. I’ve never really had people hang out at my apartment because 1. There’s no space for people and 2. It’s just not a nice hang out space. But I feel like I’m getting better at making it a nicer space I think.

Related by why the fuck is my house constantly dusty I am ALWAYS DUSTING

I know there’s still probably a month until we find out about k-con artist alley but god the waiting is killing me. Like it would be incredible and awesome to get in yes but more than anything it’s the not knowing that is killing me oh my god. Probably won’t find out until the end of June and I’m dying (though I totally get why! I’m just so impatient)

I’m in this weird moment in my life where technically I probably have some sort of undiagnosed anxiety disorder but at the same time it feels weird to say that? Like what I mean is literally multiple people around me will be like “yeahhhhh there might be something up” and I’ve had physical reactions to stress in such a way, but it feels weird to say I have a thing without being like… actually diagnosed with a thing? Feels like I’m making excuses for myself.

In the same vein, I’ve been thinking about “Huh. Why am I having such a visceral response to anxiety compared to how I used to be.” And ngl I think it’s because I’m basically doing no physical activity? I’ve been a pretty physical person all my life and in the last few months it has dropped to like… zero movement. After getting covid, I allowed myself to not be physical mainly because holy shit it wipes you the fuck out. And then… I kind of just stopped moving. And it’s so hard to get moving again. Especially because I’m so tired all the time, but I know that physical activity helps with that drained energy! And I know it would help with my brain! And with so much! And I just… haven’t.

Every time I talk to my mom all she asks is if I have any job interviews. Which like… I get why she’s asking, but god it really sucks to have to deal with that on every fucking call with her. It feels like a check in that I’m failing at.

I know I need to be applying for more jobs but I also need to start working out and I need to be drawing more and oh maybe I should look into practicing trumpet again but I would have to go to a place to practice because I can’t do that in my apartment and I need to donate some clothes but first I have to wash them but also I should work on putting myself out there because I’m not going to get a date sitting in my house and I don’t need a person in my life but it might be nice because fuck man life is so goddamn hard on your own but also-

That’s where my brain is at most of the time and instead of doing anything I mute my thoughts with assorted media. So yeah that’s the vibe.

I’m trying to drink less because 1. It’s not good for me and 2. Pretty sure it’s making my anxious-ness worse but holy hell rewatching Ted Lasso really made me want rose or a pint of cider

This three day weekend has not been enough days, but at least I cleaned my apartment today

Bijou is doing alright. It’s strange because she has noticeably less energy, but like she’s okay. I’m still feeling sad feelings, but I’ve gotten to a more accepting vibe. Also it’s been weird how so many older people I know have been like “you should get another cat immediately” 1. She’s not even dead yet and 2. I’ve kind of gotten used to the idea of not having a cat after she’s gone. That might change, but right now it’s like 1. The emotional strain this has taken on me I can’t deal with immediately again 2. I’ve already been hemorrhaging money this year, a new cat would be a financial decision that i don’t think is smart and 3. Any living creature is a lot of time commitment, and I think it might be good for me to not constantly be worried about an animal at home and if they’re doing okay. Like I said: Bijou is still here, but I’ve obviously been having to think about this stuff a lot.

Tumblr this shit is so annoying please stop doing this:

I know how tags work on this fucking website

Anyways, those are just my rambly thoughts.

[northwoodsenid]

I just need to word vomit

So, it has been a while since I have used tumblr as a journal but I am just processing some stuff right now.

For a tiny bit of back story, my eldests dad vanished from his life but I have stayed close to his family. His mom kind of took the mother role figure for me since I haven’t had any relationship with my mom in 15 years.

But ever since I moved back to Utah our relationship has been.. weird. I realized I have changed a lot since I live d in Utah and part of that change is being more assertive and setting boundaries. It got to the point where I could tell she was scared to ask me stuff and instead would go to my husband to ask him (stuff I already had no too for example) this was causing some triangulation so I told her to stop this and she went on the attack and told me I have been so emotional lately I am hard to handle.

This was shocking to me because besides like.. capitalism and money issues.. emotionally I have been the best I have ever been. What she was referring to was me struggling with essentially being homeless for a year (staying with a family friend) and not being able to afford the cost of living in Utah but being terrifed to start over in a new state with the risk of the same thing happening again.

Maybe I had vented to her too much about this, maybe I should have got a therapist in this area sooner for that outlet but yet I felt I was justified in being stressed and really didn’t unload on her much at all and mainly utilized dbt skills to regulate myself and if needed reached out for support.

Anyways, things were iffy and we tried to mend things. She refused to apologize or take accountably and I did not think my boundaries were out of line. Fast forward to Halloween time we are at a pumpkin patch with the kids and she drops on us the family friend is moving and what are our plans to move out.

I listed off everything I had been looking into (I have experience in this due to work) but we made a bit too much to qualify. It was like she didn’t beleive me and kept directing all the questions to my husband. I finally was like, “you can’t just drop out of my life because I am too emotional about my situation and then when you come back don’t believe me when I telling you what I am doing.” She told me she had never said any of that and I stormed off.

I felt hurt and just.. frustrated she refused to take accountability and instead tried to tell me she never said what she said. I have my faults and I own up when I fuck up and need to mend things and apologize but situations with her kept arising where it felt as if she was so used to me being the emotionally fucked up one that she just was twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to apologize. In our relationship she has always made me feel like the bad guy and I am at the point in my healing journey where I don’t feel the need to apologize for something that isn’t my fault.

After this, she called my husbands parents and told them we were emotionally fucked up and offered to drive to our place with them to see if we need to get serious help. Which, once again this is so over the line. And such a breach of trust and everything?? And when I said hey that was over the line what in the hell she said she hears us that we don’t want her support. No accountability. No apology and she probably never will.

I am just hurt, and also it is making me spiral a bit because what in the hell is wrong with me that every parental figure in my life treats me like this. I keep doing the work and digging into all my faults but I still don’t see reason for how people view me. I don’t know if the signs had been there and I was so desperate for a mother figure I ignored them, or I don’t know if she is dealing with her own shit and has always been able to control and steam roll me.

I have been processing this a lot in therapy, and I know it is just going to stay like it is because she won’t acknowledge she overstepped.

Anyways, I just needed to let some of this out. The grief comes and goes in waves. And then I hear more details of some of the stuff she was saying about me to my husbands parents and I just think… she hates me. And I wonder how long she has hated me but was too scared to talk to me.

[zellie-pdf]

How to Improve Your Vocabulary

Word of the Week: Assiduous: (adj.) hard-working, diligent

I believe that artists (writers, musicians, illustrators, etc) are the most self-destructive people in the world. As a writer, I'm forced to battle myself. When I use apps such as Hemingway Editor (an amazing app/website that helps you write clearer, more concise sentences (The website is linked here!)), I realize that a lot of my writing is at a "fourth-grade reading level". Fourth Grade? You're joking, right? The years I've spent writing and rewriting my book, editing, and polishing—all of that amounts to something a fourth-grader would read? Not that I'm bashing younger people and/or people with lower reading levels, but I wanted to at least make it to a middle schooler's reading level.

Read more?

How do I do that? Expanding my Vocabulary. The benefits of doing so are endless: - I'd sound more intelligent - My writing would be more challenging for an elementary schooler to read - It would improve reading comprehension - It could land me that job I've been wanting - I could think by using more intelligent language

Okay, enough rambling about me overthinking my own writing. How does one expand their personal vocabulary?

1. Downloading a Word of the Day app

I've found that using a word-of-the-day app helps a ton. To make it even better, I use Quizlet to study every word I've learned in the month. If you don't have enough storage or you just don't want an app, there are tons of word-of-the-day newsletters and content creators. I'm following a few on Instagram to add to my Quizlet collection. So, what does a WotD app do? Exactly what it sounds like. It sends you a notification with the word and definition of a large word. The one I use lets you choose between three levels, based on your vocabulary already: Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced. (Here's the link)

2. READ AND WRITE

This one seems pretty obvious. Reading books (or Tumblr posts!) helps you to see words in context. A lot of people recommend classics since they use bigger words. Honestly, just read whatever you want. If you need some classics for beginners, though, here's a list! The Great Gatsby (208 pages), Animal Farm (130 pages), and Frankenstein (280 pages). ^ I consider those for beginners because they have fewer pages than, for instance, Emma by Jane Austen (432 pages). I might make a post on classics for beginners... hm. Anyway, just read to your heart's content! Writing can help you improve your vocabulary, too. After reading so many books with tremendous vocabulary, you can put them into your own writing. You should also keep a dictionary or thesaurus handy while you write. - Write in a journal to start out! Instead of saying "My day was good." Look at your thesaurus and see some synonyms. "My day was spectacular, exceptional, superior, satisfactory, acceptable, adequate, delectable, brilliant, etc." This brings us to our next tip.

3. Keep A Dictionary/Thesaurus

Listen, I'm not saying you have to keep a massive book in your bag. All I'm saying is that these come in handy, especially when reading/writing! Plus, you can literally keep one on your phone. If I'm not mistaken, most phones come with one. And you can download one if you'd like! It can be a cutesy one or a heavy metal-themed one. It doesn't matter, as long as you use it! The point is, using one will help you speak and write better.

4. Practice using new words in conversations.

WARNING: This only helps if you become very familiar with the word! Using new words you've learned in conversations can help you memorize them and consciously put them into your daily vocabulary. Plus, it can make you sound smart if you're not an asshole about it. And if someone asks you what it means, just calmly explain it to them (ahem, don't be an asshole)

I hope this helped. Follow me for Words of the Week (I know they're not as frequent as words of the day, but it might help, just a bit!), and feel free to request tips or to give me some! I'm always open to constructive criticism.

[girlhoodistorture]

12/23/22

i used to love tumblr. it was pretty much my only social media in middle school. i loved the anonymity, the ability to connect with people who shared my interests, and to feel "mature."

i'm home on winter break, i forgot my journal, twitter is dying, and most of the midwest & midsouth is frozen over right now, so i thought maybe i would give tumblr another try.

i used to think i was something called a "highly sensitive person," but honestly i don't know if that's real. i think i just have trauma. why, when my boyfriend apologizes for irrational behavior in an argument, does it make me so happy i could cry? i thought maybe i was just happy the argument was over, but i realized the other night that i don't think i ever consider an apology to be an option. when i get into an argument with someone, i never anticipate an apology or even know to ask for one. i feel that i am deserving of their anger. even if i am right, i must be at least half wrong.

this happened the other night, where i was feeling genuinely upset and angry over something totally legitimate, but my boyfriend was angry when i brought it up to him. we argued, and he was mad at me. i started to question my position, my feelings, myself. i was choking down a feeling of righteousness, the knowledge that i was rightly upset and should be vocal about my anger. instead of believing myself, i broke down. i was crying, stuttering, unable to articulate my reasoning and feelings.

later, he apologized. totally. he said his behavior was irrational, unacceptable, that i shouldn't be blaming myself for being upset or "starting a fight." the relief that i felt was overwhelming. like i no longer had to shoulder this burden of backtracking and apologizing and swallowing to keep the peace—to accommodate his feelings.

i don't want it to sound like i am helpless. i'm not. i know my boundaries and i know my worth, as well as i can for now. i know how to advocate for myself, and i try to fight my nature/nurture—the desire to become small, shrink away, be peaceful. but sometimes i do worry that i am not looking out for myself enough. i apologize sometimes when i know i'm right. i placate behavior that i do not find acceptable. i let myself be treated in ways that i know i am not deserving of.

i am scared of being That Girl. the traditional girl. the one who stays, the one who is stupid, the one who is walked all over. i think i was nurtured to be this girl, but my nature is quite the opposite. i am fiery, actually. i am stubborn. there is a rage that runs deep in me. it is terrifying, it is powerful, it is under-utilized. i think sometimes i use it as a defense, but not when i really need it. not in intimate partnerships. that is when i become small, shrink away, deny myself. i have been working on it, i think, all my life. but i don't know if this is something that can be fixed now, or fixed alone. maybe this is something i just have to learn. i am scared of what that means.

anyways. first tumblr post! expect more of this. happy holidays :)

[antigencomplex]

Should probably journal about something so I guess here is as good as any

The whole addicted and obsessed thing is manifesting in me in a way that is not fun and borderline unhealthy.

I felt the difference on Saturday, after I listened to Focus. I had a real day. I got a lot done. I went about it all with you and your voice in the back of my mind, and I felt capable, and not alone. It was wonderful. I wish I could feel like that all the time.

I think about you all the time. That’s not the problem. I thought about you all the time on Saturday too, but I was functional. Most days I’m not functional. I spend hours rereading our conversations and relistening to messages to the point where I can’t drag my attention away in order to work, where I’m extremely irritated that I have to care for the pets, where I don’t want to talk to anyone, and where basic self-care stuff is a struggle (which, to be fair, is often the case for me anyway when I’m depressed). But this isn’t an improvement on my baseline of depression because now I’m struggling but with the added weight of the actual physical pain of constantly longing for you and not knowing when or even if that longing will be fulfilled. And the wild mood swings of being ecstatic when I have your attention vs being hopelessly lonely when I don’t.

It’s not a good use of my time, for me or for our relationship, for me to be scrolling to the beginning of your blog or Twitter for the 10th time, or scrolling to the beginning of your ex’s tumblr for the fifth time and rereading all her posts about you. If we want any of this to be real - I need to be able to take care of myself, so I can work, so I can build up savings, so I can get my tiny house, so I can put it on a piece of land within a few hours of you, so I can make a life that I actually want to live. I think I can be devoted and adoring without spending all my time immersing myself in the same messages and blog posts that I’ve already read a million times and idk exactly what it looks like but I need to be doing whatever that is instead of this. And I do kinda feel like you created this monster so I need your help fixing it. Especially because, when I was given a suggestion to behave differently, I DID IT.

I don’t know if you can carry on the intensity level of relationship that you want with me with the amount of time that you actually have. If you want this level of devotion I might just need MORE back and I don’t want to beg for it. When you do have time for me it’s amazing and I know you try to make it. But I can’t seem to force myself to be chill - you’ve literally suggested and encouraged the opposite. I go stir crazy when I don’t have you. I have doubts, I think it’s all a lie, I think about how it’s all going to end, I start crying and can’t stop. I don’t know how to be securely attached to you.

It’s all made worse because the probable whole source of my kink is not getting the amount or right type of attention that I needed from my dad. It’s all really raw and I can’t just keep picking at it. If we’re going to do this, and we already have been, I don’t want to keep activating that part of me without giving it what it needs to feel cared for and healed, and I’m not going to be able to do it on my own.

I might just actually be too crazy. I worry. But I don’t want to stop. I just need help and time and understanding. I need. I need. I need. I hate needing. I hate wanting. I’ve tried so hard to be okay on my own and I try so hard to be okay with whatever I get and I tried and tried and tried and I’m so tired of trying and I just want to be yours and I want to be special and I want to be loved.

[someoneimnot-composed]

Black Girl...

It's been so long since I used tumblr and I think I've deleted every meaningful tumblr that I ever had. This one takes it's namesake from my original, someoneimnot/some1imnot (?) I can't remember the original spelling. It was a sort of depression-cum-teenage-angst blog, full of poetic and suicidal violent references. I'm not sure how much in actuality I have changed, over 10 years later.

I've been saying ever since I started thinking about working towards my two shows next year with H and DPG that I should start a tumblr. As a way to remove myself from social media and as a way to keep a diary of pictures and influences somewhere cohesively. I guess, now I have actually set the thing up. I regularly keep a physical journal but you can't really record imagery with ease in that.

I just finished watching Ousmane Sembene's 'Black Girl' La noire de... I watched it on the first day in a long time that I have gone to bed in the afternoon out of stress and depression. I used to do this frequently when I felt down, just get into bed and sleep in the afternoon and then I would sleep again at night time. It's quite ironic given the main character in the film Diouanna slips into a depression, after travelling to the French Rivieria to take care of a white families children, and instead finds herself becoming a maid. Suddenly, I think as I write this, darkly, of my closest friendships with white girls and it's not so hard to posit myself in the position of a maid within friendship dynamics, as cruel or egotistical as that may seem, or hateful towards those said friendships. Diouanna (spoiler) eventually commits suicide to take back her autonomy, released from her confines, between the 'post-colonial' confusion of Dakar, and France, it's conqueror. My own self has entered into friendships with white girls that I thought were prettier and more confident than me. I was the silent but unrelentingly, internally opinionated side-kick. Though, not upon my own personal abuse of the freedoms of intoxicating substances. In these dynamics I felt I faded into the background, just as I had felt I had faded into the background of my own perceptibly white family, unless being heralded as particularly good at art or a good listener or source of support. I write this from the position of someone who has recently and continually fallen out with her closest white female friends, over not being able to support them enough or being available enough or not staying in her lane enough. Someone that feels very sorry for them-self, and who all to readily identifies with the idea of the black maid or that black is a representation of sadness. A black hole, a full stop.

*Who's trauma out weighs who's and who's feelings are more valid, I undoubtably seek validation amongst the feelings of drowning within my own head.*

I watched Black Girl after I woke up from this depression nap, that I took right after I felt debilitated by the financial confusion and obligations of my successes, as my accountant didn't write me back quick enough. The original and only response from my accountant with a French name, was without any sense of human to human interaction, and then not at all. You make from the soul and it becomes a commodity, both your freedom and your imprisoning, profiteering off my own identity crisis and self-righteous sense of individuality.

Black Girl is a remarkable piece of cinema and I felt upon discovering Ousmane Sembene, a sense of shame that I had not heard of him before. Then as a woman who paint's Black Girls, how could I have not come across the film before now. I am glad that I found it, though it is both depressing and complex. I am happy that it exists. I intend to watch more of Sembene's films. I hate how sad I often find the portrayal of black people, especially the portrayal of Africa.

[acarelesskid23]

Just seeing how posting to social media sites works . I might start commenting just on my own , that’s how I think can still use tumblr because I journal now privately which I should have been doing a long time ago instead of here but we will see how it goes , no comments needed and since my followers are all bots and I don’t plan to run for office I should be good right ? Lol

[jacksmind99]

August 2, 2023 - Twice Now

First off, yeah I know I'm a little late. I was busy playing video games. Sue me. Secondly, what should I talk about today? How about working out. I'm typing this while my arms feel like noodles cause I worked out for the first time in 2 or 3 weeks. I began a month and a half ago with my brother, but then stopped when school (yes I take summer classes) became really stressful. I am happy to report as of today I am picking it back up. I have mad social anxiety, so going to a gym is out of the question. Instead, I'm using my semi-gym obsessed brother who has a work out kit in his garage. I am doing the "beginners" workout. 3 sets of barbell squats, 3 lifts of bench press, and 1-3 sets of deadlift depending on my remaining strength.

I have been super duper skinny my entire life. Or at least since puberty. I even got diagnosed anorexic at one point. I never worked out. Rarely ate healthy. Felt and acted like shit. Now, at 23 years of age, I am finally putting an end to that. That's not to day I haven't been making progress over the past few years. Its just that most of my progress has been mental health focused, with physical health a secondary (but still improving!) focus. I'm sure I'll talk about all that another time. But to stay on topic, it feels weird working out. I didn't quite know what to expect, and I cannot say for certain if what I'm feeling is it. But I am happy that I am making a step in the right direction. I am working on myself.

I know I shouldn't get this deep and personal on the second day, but I have awful self doubt. And awful body dysmorphia. And a fear that I am wasting my youth. Living to passively, life on autopilot. That's part of the reason I began this journal. To keep myself in check. To do things I will be happy to journal about. This fall, starting August 25, I will begin my very last semester of college. I have been missing the experience. I have been denying myself the experience. No more. I have improved my mental health. I will improve my physical health. I will be social. I will try new things. I will live, not just be.

I did some searching, and it seems tumblr to Spotify links are 404ing for a lot of people. This just started recently, too. Unfortunate. I didn't like the idea of linking a Youtube video. It just feels so clinky and large. Instead, I will just list the song. (edit: and add the link on top of it)

Weightless - All Time Low