#i swear i’d forget my own name if i didn’t write it on everything

[leftmysoulbythesideoftheroad]

i don’t like taking medicine + i have adhd, and i forget that over the counter meds even exist. so when i do take something like midol for my cramps because they’re so bad i can’t stop thinking about it, it feels like fucking magic. like i just swallow these little guys, and 20 minutes later, i feel perfectly fine. my hips have stopped aching, i don’t feel like i’m going to throw up any more, my body can actually relax. it feels like i just took a health potion from a video game. and it’s silly because i always have this option but i almost never use it, and i don’t think most people even put this much thought into it. but i think about all the ways people who had periods have found methods to reduce suffering over the centuries, and it took so much testing and knowledge being passed down over the generations, and now i can just take a little pink pill and feel so much better. those remedies still exist, and they work, but not everyone has that knowledge passed onto them. how nice is it that people who were afab don’t have to struggle to find a method that works when there’s no one in their life to turn to? how wonderful that we don’t have to be in pain, and how excited our ancestors would be to see how easy it is for us. i didn’t mean to get all serious about this, but yeah. magic.

(*all of this applies to people like me who can take some midol when the pain is too much. it doesn’t work for everyone, and some have much more pain than others. i am not discounting those people, only speaking to my own and similar experiences. i hope everyone who suffers on their period can find a way to lessen the pain; we all deserve to be comfortable.)

[wh0reforcoriolanussnow]

I Miss You, I’m Sorry || Tom Blyth x Singer!Reader

Summary: In which after your break up with Tom, you write a song about him and fans start to speculate that it is about the two of you.

Warning: swearing, kinda toxic Tom?

Wc: 1,123

A/n: someone asked if I would do a Sabrina Carpenter x Tom fic but I thought I’d do it with Gracie Abrams instead bc I absolutely love her <3 (I don’t mention Gracie, it’s still an x reader)

Tom Blyth x singer!reader au masterlist

Divider by @pommecita

Do you remember happy together? I do, don't you?

You squeal in excitement. You had just dropped your first ever album. “I’m so proud of you, my darling,” Tom hugs you tightly as he kisses your hair. “Thank you,” You says against his ear.

That night, the two of you stayed home, ordered pizza and drank wine in each other’s arms. Tom was so incredibly proud of you, he knew the hardships you faced that year when composing the songs and everything else that was going on in life.

You felt so blessed to have had Tom by your side during the particularly rough year. “I love you,” You whisper, your breathe fanning Tom’s neck as he pulls you closer to him. “I love you more,” He whispered back as you smiled.

Then all of a sudden, you're sick to your stomach, Is that still true?

Tom felt sick in the stomach knowing what he had done. It was a simple drunken mistake that he could never forgive himself. He cheated on you. He could never forget how he absolutely shattered your pure heart, all because of his drunken actions.

You said, "Forever, " in the end I fought it, Please be honest, are we better for it?

“I will forever love you, y/n.” He says against your lips before kissing you. You melt into the kiss, your arms wrapping around his neck as you bring him closer to you.

“You said you’d love me forever Tom- I-I don’t understand why’d you would do this-“ You furrow your eyebrows as tears had blurred up your vision. “I’m so sorry y/n, please-“ He tries to say as his hand touches your arm but you pull away from him, too hurt, too broken.

Thought you'd hate me, but instead you called and said, "I miss you", I caught it

You pick at your fingernails as your leg bounces up and down. You were sat at your desk, alone in the house. It had been a month since you broke up with Tom. And you couldn’t help but think about him every single day.

He was your everything. You couldn’t just get him out of your head that quickly. You flinch at the sound of your phone going off, buzzing on the table as you turn your phone over revealing his name on the caller id.

You stare at it for a few seconds, contemplating. “Hello?” Your voice was quiet as you hear a silence on the other end. “Tom? Are you there-“ “I miss you,” You hear him say, his voice just as shaky as yours; you bite your trembling lip, trying so hard to hold back the tears that were threatening to come out.

Good to each other, give it the summer, I knew you too

Little did you know that that summer was going to be your last one spent with Tom. He hadn’t told you that he had cheated on you yet, but you felt a shift.

You felt a change that you tried to ignore the best you could until you couldn’t handle it anymore.

But I only saw you once in December. I'm still confused.

You saw him once in December. That was all. You didn’t know why he was ignoring you and being so distant.

You said, "Forever, " and I almost bought it. I miss fightin' in your old apartment

“Forever.” What a fucking lie. “Why are you being so fucking distant towards me!” You yell, walking into his apartment as he slams the door behind him. “I’m not! I’ve been busy with my own fucking life y/n” He screams back as you both stare at each other.

“You could still try and make an effort Tom! I’m your girlfriend!” You storm up to him, finger pointing at him as he shoves your hand away from him, walking away without saying a word. “Don’t walk away from me-“ You shout as you follow him upstairs, “I don’t want to talk right now,” He seethes, slamming his bedroom door on your face.

You stand there as you scoff. You lift your hand up to knock but figured it would be no use, so, you walked back downstairs, grabbed your things and left.

Breakin' dishes when you're disappointed, I still love you, I promise

“Why-Why couldn’t you just tell me y/n,” He pulls at his hairs as you sat on the couch, knees to your chin as you look down on the ground. “I didn’t know how to,” You say quietly, not sure if he heard you.

“Y/n,” He sternly says as you look meet his angry eyes, “I said, I didn’t know how to tell you-“ smash. You flinch, gasping at the noise of mug smashing into little bits. Tears started flowing down your cheeks as you bury your head in your arms, sobbing.

Tom breathes heavily as he realises what he’s done. “Fuck,” He walks to you on the couch, his hand softly touching your hair as he listens to you sob. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry y/n,” He whispers he sits beside you, placing a gentle kiss on your arm.

“Please forgive me, darling,” He cooed. His anger got the better of him. You look at him, teary eyed. He wore an apologetic look on his face as you cry even harder, sitting on his lap as he hugs you tight, whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

Nothin' happened in the way I wanted. Every corner of this house is haunted

You stand in the living room of your house. Eyes puffy from crying, and a bag in hand with your things that you collected from Tom’s place. Looking around the place gave you flashbacks of you and Tom.

You got this house soon after you started dating Tom nearly 4 years ago now. There were so many memories made here and you couldn’t stop thinking about them.

And I know you said that we're not talkin', But I miss you, I'm sorry

You felt somewhat guilty for missing him. After all, he was the one who cheated on you. Tom told you it would be better to go our seperate ways and limit interactions with each other as much as possible.

It still hurt. Waking up and knowing your relationship with Tom ended. The one person you could confide to was no longer there for you. The one person who knew how to cheer you up after a rough day wasn’t by your side anymore.

The one person who would travel with you around the world for concerts, and if he couldn’t, he would make sure to face time you every day no matter how early or late it was for him.

[turretistrying]

The Caged Bird and The Chased Mouse

Part 1! \/

Okay so this idea wont leave me, genshin Sagau, classic isekai imposter scenario, but you didnt do the main sumeru story quest yet (like i did on my account, I did everything else, except the story when it came out). I’m so sorry if I mess up characterization, spelling, or general writing structure, I don’t write often.

WARNING FOR: Swearing (F-word and thats it)

So let me set the scene:

You have been isekai’ d into the Genshin world and you’re the creator but its an imposter situation. You’ve been to every other region and have been chased out, betrayed by characters you love and trust. You venture into Sumeru, with an idea of the layout but no clue of what will come next when you step into Sumeru City.

You walk into Sumeru City, amazed by the architecture in person but wary of what might happen if people catch a glimpse of your face. You wander around, just listening to conversations and seeing what foods they have to offer, eventually ending up near the Academiya. You consider if you want to set foot into the daunting structure, considering it looks guarded well and if something went wrong you’d be in the deepest trouble, unsure how the Archon of the region would react to you (poorly you assume). But against your best judgement you start walking in, far too curious for your own good. You get a handful of steps into the building until you run into who looks like a playable character, one you haven’t met before but vaguely remember from the leaks. With grey hair and skin tight shirt, look at you with suspicious, I mean who wouldn’t be suspicious of someone in a cloak that you can’t see their face.

“….” He stares at you with an intense gaze, as if we can see right through your disguise, you’re hoping he can’t actually do that.

“Well it seems we have a newcomer, hello there.” He finally speaks, “My akasha doesn’t seem to know who you are, are you new to Sumeru?”

‘Akasha?’ You think, regretting the fact you didn’t play the story quests before getting sent here. You stay silent, unsure how to respond.

“Are you, or are you not? I’d like an answer or else i’m afraid I’ll have to call the guards.” He adds the last part, to add pressure to you.

“Yes, yes! I’m new to Sumeru and I thought I might take a look at the illustrious Aca- uhm, Academiya!” You mess up on the last part, nearly forgetting the name of the building you’re in.

The grey hair man gives a hum in acknowledgment, but doesn’t give any indication that he fully believes you. You’re getting more nervous as the pause stretches on and curse at your idiotic curiosity, you’re praying to whatever higher being thats left in Tevyat to have this guy to let you go. He starts to circle you, taking in your outfit and body language.

“Alright, well, do make sure you don’t cause too much of distraction, the students need their focus.” He finally breaks his silence and gets out of your way. You let out the biggest breath out in relief, the guy absolutely catches it but you don’t care enough at the moment while your body pumps adrenaline. You debate with yourself if you actually want to continue in self or just run out, but decide it’d look far more suspicious to just run out after that exchange. You give a nod to him and start walking to the main door, you’re able to see some books so you assume you’re walking into a library.

Once you enter room and get near the middle, you’re in awe of how large the room is, how high the books reach, and just how many books are crammed in one room. You imagine you could start reading and wouldn’t finish all the books in the library by the time you die. You start walking around the room, with an odd feeling as you walk around, as if someone was watching you, but you brush it off as someone took notice of the weirdo walking through their space. Once you finish that you start your walk out of the Academiya, entirely done of it’s stuffy feeling that you’d mostly ignored.

As you walked out your foot catches a ledge making you fall to the floor, with your hood pulling back enough to show your face, you yelp.

You catch yourself before your face makes contact with the floor, not taking notice that the hood had fallen back. People started to look where the noise came from and stare in shock at seeing the creator’s- no, the Imposters face. You notice the attention on you and reach up to the hood, and pale when you realize what had happened.

You book it.

You run back into the Akademiya, with a vague idea of an escape ruin, you take left and start running up the wooden ramp. You can hear calls of “GET THEM” behind you, thats starting to gain on you. You run through the almost maze-like path with your feet pounding on the stone with students looking at you with bewilderment. Your cloak flipping behind you as you start to get closer to the top, with your ripped clothes underneath showcasing your struggles from the other three Nations.

You reach the top and jump forward, avoiding the spears of guards and get to the large green door, unsure of what’s behind but hoping, hoping to the fake stars above that it’s a safe place. You struggle to get it open but get yourself in and quickly slam the doors shut. You can hear pounding but it doesn’t seem like the door is going to open, you slowly step away and turn around to assess the room you’ve entered. As you look to the orb in the middle to walk forward to get a better look of what seemed to be inside-

Oh your stars.

That’s a fucking child.

What the fuck.

You stare in shock at the little girl seemingly trapped in a green orb in a large empty room. She’s looking at you.

You start walking even closer, she follows the movement. She isn’t scared or mad or venomous, she just watches. You try reaching your hand up to touch her prison, only then realizing that it was too high up for you to touch. She seems to understand what you want to do and touches the wall of her prison, a ghost of a hand touch. You sit down after a few minutes of starring at each other, and yawn. You havent slept in a while due to circumstances, so you lay your head down knowing that any second they could come and get you but honestly, you just wanted a rest and get away from this new reality you’ve found yourself in. You drift off and all you hear is..

“Everything will be okay.”

_____________________________________________

Okay so,, i really hope people like this, this was just my thought to the screen and I’m very willing to make a part two!

I also added a doodle because i done know thought it’d add to the story

[dannythedog]

Collage by @stardust-chords-enthusiast

Pairing: Sam Kiszka x fem!reader

Word Count: 11.1k

Summary: You've grown up with Sam Kiszka as a best friend. As the two of you get older, you realize your feelings may be morphing into something more. What will happen when Sam finally invites you to the annual Kiszka lake trip where a string of crimes have taken place?

Warnings: mentions of marijuana, alcohol consumption, swearing, body image issues, talk of death

A/N: I just want to thank @gretavanfran for encouraging me to run with this idea and offering to help me write. We've never written something like this before so we're a little nervous to post this lol but feedback is appreciated and let us know if you want a part two!! We have so many more ideas for where this can go and would love to share with you guys

_

“Let’s go!” Sam calls from the front door of your house. The patience in his voice is wearing thin and it makes you zip your bag faster, accidentally pinching the skin of your forefinger. It’s time for the annual lake trip the Kiszka family takes at the beginning of summer. Sam usually opted to take his other best friend Danny, leaving no room for you, but this year there was an extra space. You’ve known Sam since seventh grade, the both of you meeting on the junior debate team. He was the only student who actually challenged you and he liked your passion, so you two quickly became inseparable.  

Heaving your duffle up, you rush to the door. “Sorry,” you breathe. “Just had to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”.

 “Yeah, yeah, just give me the bag so we can get going.” Reaching for the bag on your shoulder, Sam lets out a breathy chuckle.

“Wait, Sam, I ha-,” you were quickly interrupted by the long haired man.

“I already checked the back door, walked through the house and unplugged everything. Bug, everything’s going to be okay. Learn how to relax a little, alright?” 

“I’m always relaxed,” you mumble in a grumpy tone. 

“Oh really? When’s the last time you genuinely had fun without having to worry about anything?” He got you there, you were always anxious - anxiety was practically your name and overthinking was your game. You couldn’t help but think about if everything was going to plan, constantly worrying about safety. Except for when you're with a certain golden retriever boy. Sammy. He was fearless and lived life without a care in the world, that’s why you believed that you two quickly became friends. Opposites attract after all - he made the overthinking disappear in you and you made him pay more attention to the things that surrounded him.

After tossing the bag into the back seat of his beat up Jeep Cherokee where his own luggage rests, he clambers into the driver’s spot. “My mom’s gonna be so mad if we’re super late. She only agreed to let me drive as long as I was semi on time.”

“Well, maybe you should’ve let me drive,” you tease. The entire Kiszka family had a bad habit of being late, something that irked you to your core. Turning your head to look at the man in the driver seat, you watch in amusement as he lets out a scoff, throwing the car in reverse. He places an arm on your seat and checks for traffic both ways before entering the road.

“What, so we could be there four hours early? Leave at six am? No thanks, I’d rather sleep.”

“You know, backing into a main street is illegal right?” Now turning to face you, Sam dramatically rolls his eyes and flashes you that beaming smile of his.

“Bug, I want you to relax on this vacation. Mommy and Daddy won't be there to make sure you dot your I’s and cross your T’s.” 

As much as you hated to admit it- Sam was right. It’s been forever since you’ve actually relaxed. On top of your chronic over thinking - your parents watched you like a hawk. They always told you the strictness was because they wanted you to get into a top of the line college. Ever since you got the acceptance letter from the University of Michigan, you were expecting them to ease up. Wrong - if anything they tightened the reins more. Even though you were eighteen and freshly graduated high school, you had to practically get on your hands and knees begging them to allow you to accompany Sam all while reassuring them a million times that Sam’s parents were going to be there. 

“I am relaxed. Let’s get going. You know we'll never hear the end of us being late from Jake,” you breathe out, crossing your arms across your chest. As if his smile couldn’t get any bigger, it was practically ear to ear as he watched you slowly come to the realization he was right. 

“Aye aye, Captain. No more funny business. Wouldn’t want to keep Jacob waiting,” he replies to you in a teasing tone, while throwing the car into drive.

A warm breeze pours through the windows as the journey starts. It rustles the haphazardly placed locks on Sam’s head, a messy bun being his go to for the summer, and it somehow manages to make him look softer. Your eyes trail down to his plump lips, only landing there briefly before moving onto his outfit. He dons a denim button up that only has the bottom few buttons done, a pretty tiger’s eye pendant resting on the exposed skin of his chest, a pair of the tiniest khaki shorts you’ve ever seen, and of course his trusty Birkenstocks. While his outfit was casual, it still made you feel a little frumpy. You just wore a pair of black biker shorts and a tie-dye shirt, two sizes too big, with some black Tevas. 

“So why couldn’t Danny go this year? Not that I’m complaining, I’m really happy to be invited.”

His brown eyes glance over to you for a moment, lips forming into a small frown. “His family planned their own vacation. It’s kind of ass that I’ve never invited you before, huh? I’m sorry that I’m an idiot.”

You wave him off, trying to play it like you never felt an ache in your chest when you watched the family drive off every year. “I get it, it’s a boys thing. No biggie.”

He still looks guilty despite your casual reassurance, but doesn’t press any further. Sam really did feel bad that he never invited you before. He wasn’t sure if you would like hanging out with him and his family for a week straight, emphasis on his brothers. His older twin siblings could be a lot sometimes. Josh was a little over-friendly and Jake could be too cold. Inviting anyone on vacation was asking for trouble - especially a girl and most definitely if that girl was you. The twins have known you for just as long as their little brother had. But Sam knew that they wouldn’t let up on the teasing - it would be relentless.

 Unbeknownst to you, they would wait until you left the room or have your back turned and would always make kissy faces at the younger boy - mocking him about how in love he was with you and how you were his ‘little secret girlfriend’.  Sam could take the teasing one day at a time, but he felt like a whole week’s worth of teasing would be too much for him to handle. So, he always opted to bring Danny. Plus, he wanted you all to himself, but no one had to know that.

“Hey, you know what I brought?” He grins a little too widely. “Check my backpack. The small pocket in the front.”  

You reach into the back, very obvious suspicion settling across your face. Pulling his beat up tie-dye bag into the front with care was not an easy feat. It was stuffed full and piled under a bunch of other luggage. With just a bit of grumbling, you dig into that small pocket and pull out a baggie filled with joints.

 “Sam!” you hiss. “Did you forget your parents are going to be with us?”

He reaches over and gives your arm a gentle shove. “See? This is what I was talking about earlier. You never have fun without worrying about everything.”

 “I’m sorry,” you sigh and put the baggie back. “You’re totally right. I don’t know why I got weird about it.”

Your face flushes and you feel embarrassed. He was right. Why couldn’t you let loose and just enjoy this time being close with Sam? Don’t ruin this for yourself. 

“Hey,” he says softly, that same frown from earlier returning.

“No, it’s okay. You are right. It’s not often I’ll admit that, so take it while you can,” you grin.

The few hour drive is peaceful, filled with laughter and good music. Sam never fails to keep you entertained. That was another checkmark on the long list of things you adore about him. You weren’t sure how Sam didn’t realize you were falling for him. You didn’t try to make it obvious, but you figured he would at least see the little things - the way you’d always make sure to have his favorite snacks around, wake up at absurd hours to make Walmart trips, how you’d do just about anything he asked. Honestly, you’d probably follow this man to the depths of hell if he asked you to.   

“Where are we?” you garble, not noticing that you drifted off at some point, finally waking when Sam turns onto a rather bumpy back road.

“About five minutes from the house. Our place is in a pretty secluded spot, not many neighbors.”

The road is covered with rocks and potholes, making it impossible for your bodies to stay still, rocking side to side with each bump and sway of the vehicle. Lush trees fill the spaces on either side of the road and overtake your senses. It’s hard to see through the thick greenness of the vegetation, but it’s beautiful and makes everything feel so serene. Like you weren’t still in your home state of Michigan. The trees began to thin the closer you got to the house, opening to a small clearing with a great view of the sparkling lake. You could see an expanse of sandy beaches spread out at the back of the property with a hole dug out near the house as a makeshift fire pit.  There’s a small dock a bit further down with an old rowboat attached to it, gently bobbing in the mild waves. 

Sam parks his Cherokee next to the family’s Suburban and shoots you an excited smile. “Ready for the chaos?”

“As I’ll ever be,” you scrunch your nose at him. 

The both of you pull yourselves from the car to collect your bags. The thick summer air soothes the goosebumps that formed from the air conditioning that Sam insisted on blasting. He claimed the AC barely worked at the lake house. 

“OI!” a voice rings from above you, disrupting the gentle call of some sparrows. Your eyes flick up to see the long haired twin  leaning dangerously over the railing of a balcony. 

“It’s about time you made it!” Jake spins around and heads back inside before either of you can answer. Your eyes trail from the balcony to take in the rest of the house. It’s a moderately sized cabin-esque looking building with sloping green roofs that match the color of the doors and window frames. The rustic vibe is a little cheesy and slightly outdated, but it’s welcoming. 

“Hi, Bug,” Jake grins when he emerges from the front door. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”

 You think you can hear Sam grumbling about how that’s his nickname for you, but you ignore it. 

“C’mon inside. We saved a room for you two.” Jake takes the bag off your arm and offers a side hug, giving you a gentle squeeze. 

You flush at the thought of sharing a room and possibly a bed with Sam - you hadn’t considered that when you agreed to come along. His parents were pretty lenient but you figured you’d be sleeping on one of the couches. 

The house offers reprieve from the unforgiving sun. Despite being quite cold only minutes ago, you can feel a bead of sweat trickle down the back of your neck. The inside isn’t as cheesy as you thought it would be. There were picture frames hung up along the walls, displaying memories from previous trips. One of young Sam catches your eye and brings a small smile to your face. He’s submerged in the lake with a bright orange life jacket on that looks like it could strangle him at any moment, smiling widely with little gaps in his teeth. 

“We’re here!” Sam calls out and ventures towards the bedrooms. 

Just like clockwork, the shorter twin pops his head into the hallway. “This one is your room.” 

The three of you meander to the room Josh was currently in, only half wondering why he was in your room anyways. 

“Shut up!” Sam gasps and almost drops his bag, trying to think of something else to say but his mouth just hangs open. Out of the corner of your eyes you could see the twins beaming - not wanting to be left out, you poke your head into the room and see a lanky, curly haired man lounging across the queen sized mattress. 

“Hey, guys,” Danny says with a shit eating grin. “Heard you might have extra room.”

Finally over the shock of seeing his best friend, Sam turns to his brothers with confusion written all over his face.

“Mom and Dad didn’t come this year. They figured since we’re ‘all grown up’ that we’d want a week here alone. We coordinated the Danny part just because it was fun,” Jake speaks nonchalantly. 

Sam simply can’t contain his excitement any longer and bounces on his best friend, rambling on about how much fun they’re going to have.

“That was sweet of you guys,” you murmur to Jake, watching as his face twinges pink. He simply shrugs and sets your bags near the dresser. Once the enthusiasm calms a bit, the other three clear out of the room to let you and Sam unpack. Your eyes travel over to the queen sized bed over and over, worry settling deep into your chest.

You clear your throat. “I can take the couch if you want. Or I could see if maybe Danny wanted to switch rooms.”

Sam doesn’t even look up from putting his shirts into a drawer as he chuckles a bit. “Why would you do that?”

Your face scrunches in embarrassment. You’re not sure why you’re embarrassed about this discussion. It’s just Sam. Just your best friend who you are hopelessly falling for and now have to share a bed with. Not a big deal at all.

“Just wanted to give you options, that’s all,” you say a little too defensively, praying that he couldn’t see the pink blush starting to cover your face. 

“I think you’re trying to get away from me. I can’t stop you from taking the couch, but I promise I really don’t mind if you sleep with me. In fact, I think I’d like it if you joined me.” Sam flashes you a smile as he finishes unpacking. With that he walks out of the room, leaving you to internally panic about what his words could possibly imply. Was he just flirting with you? Or perhaps it was just your feelings muddying his statement.

Fingers tug on the hem of your shirt, startling you out of your panicked daze. It’s Jake inquiring if you’ll come out to swim with everyone since it’s ‘hot as balls outside.’ Not giving you an option to say no - or to even give him an answer, he makes his way over to the door and slams it shut. Rolling your eyes at the loud noise, you head over to your bags, silently thankful you brought your good bikini.  Lifting up your shirt in hopes of changing into the swimwear sooner than later, you found yourself being interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Startled by the intruder, you whip around at a lightning speed to find Sam and Danny casually standing in the doorway. 

“Don’t you guys know how to knock?” you huff out at the boys. 

“Sorry, we didn’t expect you to be changing already. Sammy boy just needs to grab his trunks,” Danny speaks softly, shooting you an apologetic smile as he makes his way into the room sitting down on the bed. Sam, on the other hand, seemed to be frozen in his spot. Geez, what is up with him today. 

“You going to come in or are you going to keep standing there like a creep?” Danny chuckles out at Sam. It worked. You watch Sam as he keeps his eyes on the floor, heading over to the dresser, reaching in one of the drawers and pulling out his favorite pair of red bottoms. 

“I…Sorry. C’mon Danny. Let’s go downstairs.” Sam ignores your eye contact and walks over to the long haired curly man sitting on the bed, pulling him by his shirt sleeve over to the door and making sure to close it. 

Deciding not to think about the way Sam was acting, you quickly change into the baby blue and white floral print bikini. Standing in front of the mirror, you take a second to study your reflection. This swimsuit was new and if you were being honest with yourself, you were absolutely terrified to bring it at first. After all, this was supposed to be a ‘family trip’ and you didn’t want to have Sam’s parents look at you in an ill mannered light. Why would they? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact your boobs were practically spilling out of the cups and the bottoms are leaving little to the imagination. 

You couldn’t help but to have some insecurities cross your mind when you thought about if Sam would like this specific suit on you. Sure, you’ve been around him countless times in the water, but you always wore a one piece. After graduating high school, you felt yourself trying to be a little more bold in your outfit choices. Not to mention that Sam always likes his girls to be on the skinnier side and you just so happened to be a little bit more curvy.  Fuck it, what do you have to lose. You trot down the stairs, slowly building up more and more courage to walk out to the lake where you could see the four boys splashing around through the window.  

“Ooh mama! Looking good!” Josh yells as you approach the lake, making the other  three boys turn around to take a glance at your form.  

Their watchful eyes make you feel bashful, especially after Sam’s weird reaction in the bedroom. You try to fight the urge to cover your body up but it’s slowly winning. Every dip, bump, and stretch mark suddenly feels like a neon sign that reads, ‘Look at me! I’m insecure!’. Feeling defeated, you grab your towel and begin to wrap it around your torso as walk slowly to the beach.

The sun’s rays are vicious. Sweat is already beading at your brow and the tops of your shoulders feel hot. A small breeze ripples through the trees and gently caresses over your heating skin, giving slight relief. 

“Put your towel down! Get in!” Danny calls out as he splashes water at an unsuspecting Jake. This earns him a punch to the shoulder and a small grumble.

You hesitate, insecurities still running wildly through your mind. What if they laughed at you? What if Sam was disgusted by your flaws? You knew you wouldn’t be able to handle that. 

“Hey, let me see you,” Josh encourages. “I’ve never seen that bathing suit on you before. Is it new? Do a little twirl for me!”

“It’s just a bathing suit,” Sam bites at his older brother. This makes you clutch your towel tighter to your body and cast your eyes to the sand. You knew it. Sam thinks you look hideous. 

Watching the boys in front of you - you couldn’t possibly think of actually going into the water and exposing yourself to them. You know that Sam takes after his older brothers when it comes to finding his type in women. 

Plopping down into the grass and giggling to yourself, you watch as Josh rolls his eyes and smacks the back of his younger brother’s head.

Trudging through the shallow water in your direction, he lifts his chin as a beckoning gesture. “C’mon, Bug. Get in the water.” Your knuckles were practically white from how hard you were gripping the towel now that Josh was stalking through the sand.

“Josh, I don’t feel like it.” 

“I will carry you in there if I have to.” 

“You and I both know that’s not a possibility,” you spit out at him, trying not to let your insecurities show. Instead of replying, Josh moves even closer to you and starts looking like he was trying to figure out where to place his hands to hoist you up. 

“No. No. No. Stop right there,” you protest. 

“Relax. I’m not going to hurt you. Just come into the water.” Josh looks to you with pleading eyes. Fuck those, baby cow eyes get you everytime. Reluctantly nodding your head, you get up - but not without making sure the only thing keeping your sanity was wrapped around you securely. 

“You won’t need that in the water,” Josh hums at you as he takes your hand in his, leading you over to the dock. 

“I know. I just want to leave it on the dock.” He looks like he doesn’t want to believe you at first, eyeing you suspiciously, but ultimately choosing to drop the issue at hand. 

While you’re distracted with Josh, Sam’s eyes are glued to the two of you. What the hell is he doing? Why are his hands on her like that? Sam didn’t care that you were friendly with his brothers. He actually loves that you get along with them, but his fear was steadily coming to fruition. You were his person and his brothers seemed to have no problem robbing you from him just as they did with Daniel. 

As he watches you sit on the edge of the dock he hopes and prays you’ll look at him, but only sees your eyes follow Josh’s form into the water. His chest tightens when Josh grabs your legs. “What are you doing?” you panic slightly. The older twin simply gives you his widest smile before pulling you into the depths. 

The lake is colder than you expect it to be and it shocks the air from your lungs. It’s a good few seconds before you can let out a screech at Josh. He clutches you tightly to him, not caring that you’re desperately grabbing at the sopping fabric of your security blanket as it drifts away with each of his movements. “See? Not that bad, huh?”

He was right. Being submerged covered you in a way and it felt nice to cool off. “Okay,” you break. “It’s not horrible, but you’re a real dick for pulling me in.”

Sam can’t stand seeing his older brother’s hands on you. They way they hold you so delicately. It feels far too intimate to Sam. There’s this horrible clawing in his stomach that pulls him to the shore and up to a grassy area, listening to your giggles as you splash around. Having fun without him.

Your eyes finally drift over to Sam when you notice him get out. Water droplets cascade over his tan skin like rivulets and his thin frame is stretched out to soak up the sun. He’s completely in his element. You think he looks most beautiful like this. Sam has always loved nature - he begs you to come on mini hikes that turn into impromptu picnics of trail mix and granola bars, long trips to the beach where you spend your day swimming and kayaking, hell, he even loves it if you just come lay in his hammock with him.

“Alright! Me and Danny will be partners, so that leaves you and Josh,” Jake declares. You tear your eyes from your best friend and look to his older brother - that honestly could be his twin - to give him a questioning look. Jake rolls his eyes. “I just said we’re playing chicken.” 

The insecurities begin to creep back into your mind and you quickly glance to the sunbather only feet away. 

“Stop that,” Josh murmurs. “Climb on my shoulders. I’ll swim under water.” You don’t know how he knows what you’re thinking, but you don’t have too much time to question it before he’s swimming between your legs and hoisting you into the air. The curly one lets out a warm chuckle as he hears the shriek leaving your lips. You think you see Sam start to sit up as he sees his older brother securing his hands around your thighs even more- claiming it had something to do with ‘safety’. 

“She’ll need all the safety she can get,” Danny teases. “Jake and I are gonna kick your asses!” “Are you sure about that? What if we have a plan?” You grip onto Josh’s hair, knowing you don’t have a plan. You just hope it’s something easy to go with. “Like a sneak attack! Get them!”

Josh lurches forward and your hands fly up to push at Jake’s taut shoulders. Surprisingly, his spontaneous plan does work and you manage to knock the opposing team over. Unsurprisingly, this lights a fire inside of Jake. The next half hour is constant games of chicken, switching teams, hitting the water a little too hard, but still no Sam. One final stinging slap against the small waves does you in. You put up your white flag and head to the beach, fingers and toes beyond pruny anyways.

“Decided to come join me?” The brunet sunbather mumbles as he senses your presence - eyes still closed.  

“How’d you know it was me?” 

“I always know when you're around.” 

“Uh-huh. Sure,” you mock him. 

“Peter Parker has spidey senses and me? I have y/n senses.” Your best friend sits up, grabbing your hand and giving you a little tug. It seems like he was trying to get you to lay down with him, but you weren’t budging, the insecurities creeping back in. Sure, you’ve laid down next to Sam before, but that was then and this is now. Something about the air in between you two feels different. The only problem was that you weren’t sure if it was good or bad. 

You try to pull your hand from his soft grip. “I’m gonna go grab another towel.” 

“There’s room on mine,” he replies, wiggling his eyebrows. 

“No there’s not.”

Sam wasn’t going to waste another moment. He needed to stake his claim in front of his older brothers, you’re his. Suddenly you feel the air leaving your lungs as you’re pulled downwards. Expecting to hit the ground, instead you are met with a soft groan and the feeling of hot skin. 

“See? There’s room.” Opening your eyes from the sudden impact, you’re face to face with a tan chest. Slowly lifting your gaze, you see Sam with his eyes shut, smiling sheepishly at you. 

“Sam, I’m on top of you.” 

“I know, I like you like this.” Peeking an eye open, Sam was met with the visual of your mouth parted in shock, trying to find the right words to say. He could see the gears turning in your head. You felt the boy beneath you taking a deep sigh before parting his lips. 

“Bug…don’t act so shocked.”

“Sam, just let me go please,” you try pleading with the man.

“No, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this….and now seems like the perfect moment.” 

Trying to move yourself into a sitting position, you’re met with failure as sunkissed arms wrap around your back tighter, holding your body close to his. You could feel your chest getting tighter as the nerves course through you. He has no idea what kind of effect this is having on you and you really don’t want him to find out.

“Awww look at the love birds.” Of course Jake would have to ruin a moment like this.

“Yeah right,” Danny snorts. You hated to admit it, but that single laugh alone had you ready to cry. 

“Shut up guys. You know it’s not like that,” you mumble, pulling yourself out of Sam's embrace. You swear that you see Sam’s eyes glaze over with hurt, but that quickly disappears with him chuckling and smiling. 

“I’m hungry,” Jake whines, rubbing his stomach - looking over at his twin slowly making his way over to the group.  

“That sounds like a you problem,” Sam grumbles as he sits up. What is up with his attitude today? 

“No, it's Bug’s problem.” Jake makes a move towards you to grab your hand and hoist you up, but is stopped by his younger brother swatting his hands away. Josh and Danny let out eerie chuckles trying to ease the awkward tension that was forming. 

“How is it my problem?” 

“Cause I want one of your grilled cheeses.” 

“I told you the re-“

“Zip it.” Jake grabs your arm, pulling you to your feet. “We can’t have Sammy knowing that I’m the only person you trust with the recipe. Think about how jealous he’ll get.” 

The two of you start towards the house. “You know he heard that right?” You whisper to Jake as he loops his arm into yours.

“Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing, Bug. Trust me,” Jake winks at you. 

You grip his arm tighter and don’t speak until you’re in the safety of the kitchen. You find that Sam was right, the AC doesn’t work very well in this cabin. 

“Alright, spit it out,” Jake says, not bothering to look at you while he grabs the ingredients. “I can see it all over your face.”

Other than Sam, you were the closest with Jake. When he was younger he was very quiet and wasn’t in your face like Josh was and you found comfort in that. He made you feel comfortable. That meant you could tell him the things you couldn’t tell Sam. As your feelings for Sam grew, Jake could see past your little unbothered facade. He’s been there through every up and down.

“I don’t know,” you groan and plop into a chair. “He’s just being so weird. One minute he’s normal and happy, then the next he’s moody and avoiding everyone. And don’t think I didn’t notice that you purposefully put Sam and I in the room with one bed. You’re setting me up.”

He laughs and flits about the kitchen preparing the meal for everyone. “I thought you’d appreciate that. You could always share with me.”

Flipping him the bird didn’t feel like it would be enough, so you throw a random pair of socks that you see balled up on the floor at his head. He ducks and lets a belly laugh fill the room. “Come on, y/n. It won’t be that bad. I really was just trying to help you out. How about this,” he sets an old, worn spatula on the counter and approaches you. “I’ll help you this week. We’ll get Sam to notice you the way you want him to.”

You eye his outstretched hand. This could potentially end your friendship with Sam if it goes badly, but you decide you couldn’t pretend much longer. So you grasp Jake’s calloused hand, putting all of your trust into this shake. “Deal.”

———————-

After some much needed food and a couple of beers, the boys decide that it would be a good time for them to go down to the pier and do some fishing. You opt to read the book that’s been sitting in your bag forever, figuring you could sit on the front porch so you have a perfect view of the boys on the dock. ‘Life can’t get better than this,’ you think and let out a big sigh. The buttery beams of the sun wash over you, bringing the feeling of sleepiness that you knew oh so well. Hours must’ve passed, you found yourself waking up to the feeling of someone trying to pry the book out of your hands. 

“A Court of Roses and Thorns? I didn’t know you read fantasy,” Sam smiles in small victory when he peels the book away from you, closing it and moving it to the table beside the chair. 

“I know, I usually read nonfiction but I’m trying something new. Don’t hate,” you mumble to him as you slowly stand up from the chair, stretching out your back in the process. 

“Hate on you? I could never,” Sam whispers. It was almost as if he was terrified of you hearing the little confession that left his parted lips. 

“How long have I been out?” 

“Well, considering it’s dark now, I’m gonna say about a few hours.” You look the boy over and see that he put his hair back into a low bun. You were always a sucker for that hairstyle. You take advantage of Sam being quiet and study his face some more. He looks good. It was only day one of this vacation and the sun gave him a kissable tan. You weren’t sure how you’d be able to survive the rest of the six. 

“So...what do you think about a movie night?” Sam suggests, throwing you a side smirk when he notices that you were checking him out. You silently thank god that it’s dark out, you didn’t want Sam to see how flushed your cheeks are. 

“With your brothers?” 

“No. Just you and me. Jake said he wants to have a bonfire,” he points towards the direction of the small pit that sits in the middle of some thoughtfully placed chairs. 

“I mean, sure. Yeah, we can do that.” 

A loud voice nearly has you jumping out of your skin. “Nope. Nada. Not happening. You have to be joking with us. I don’t want to be an uncle yet,” Jake bursts through the door of the cabin, protesting the movie night idea. Casting a glance over to Sam you see him rolling his eyes. You could tell he was starting to get fed up with his brothers interrupting everything. 

“Jake, c’mon. It’s gonna be so comfy inside. Can’t I join you guys tomorrow?” You ask the man, with a little bit of confusion lacing your voice. He was supposed to be helping push you and Sam together, not keep you two separated.  He gives you a look that lets you know you won’t be winning that battle, so you let the older man drag you over to the pit where the other two boys were standing. Looking over your shoulder, you could see Sam trudging behind you, obviously not wanting to participate tonight. Maybe he was hoping just to have alone time with you. 

“Bug, we’ll make you a weiner!” 

���Josh, I don’t want a hot dog right now.” Your body betrays you by letting out possibly the loudest stomach growl the group had ever heard. 

“Clearly that’s a lie. Plus, we know how much you love sticking them in your mouth,” Danny tries to speak in between laughs. You could tell that he’s proud of himself for that joke. 

“Relax, Sammy boy, no one’s gonna try to steal your girlfriend,” Jake teases as he slaps his back, trying to change his little brother’s mood. Based on what you could see through the flames of the fire, Sam’s face was red - beaming with frustration. 

Sam seems to ignore his brother’s ‘girlfriend’ comment as he sits down in the seat directly across from yours, separated by the fire. Jake plops himself into the chair next to you, mysteriously pulling out an acoustic guitar. 

“Where’d you get that?” you nod towards the guitar.

“Darling, I’m full of tricks,” Jake shoots you a wink, absentmindedly strumming the guitar. Looking around, you notice there was a black guitar case lined with a maroon velvet laying on the ground - instantly feeling dumb for asking him where got the acoustic from. If anyone knows Jake, then they always know there’s bound to be a guitar somewhere around him. Sure he was in college for business, but everyone knows being in a band was his true dream. 

“Jake you gonna play us Wonderwall? Or tell us all about how you’re meant to be a rockstar?” Sam snickers at his brother. What has gotten into him today. 

Sam was truly fed up with his brothers. Especially Jake. Every fear he ever had about bringing you to the lake had happened. Why couldn’t they just let him have something good for once? Sam had fully been planning on telling you about his feelings at multiple points in the day. He even made it obvious that he was being serious, but no one cared. 

Looking across the flames, you sat in awe of your best friend. A pain forms in your chest as you think back to a certain night sophomore year where you were sat in the same position. 

“Wooooo!” 

“Sam, stop yelling! You’re gonna get us in trouble.” 

“C’mon, Bug! Live a little,” Sam slurred at you, slinging his arm around your shoulder. He was drunk off the bourbon that his older brother just had to provide him with because it was ‘homecoming’. You rolled your eyes every time Jake said that. Maybe it was something that your parents engraved into your brain. God, you could hear the lecture from them already. Bitching at you for letting yourself be surrounded by ‘drunken idiots’.

You weren’t positive about the exact moment you started to like Sam, but one thing was for certain. This year you realized you were in love with him. It happened in between all the study dates, the late night texts and the random phone calls to see what you were up to.  

But tonight? Tonight felt different. Granted, you guys were each other's dates to homecoming, but something just felt different. You couldn’t quite place what the emotion was. Maybe it had to do with the way you two slow danced tonight - your arms placed delicately around his neck, while his hands were wrapped around your waist, pulling you close. His toffee colored eyes staring into yours-giving you soft smiles all night, not to mention all the little touches and forehead kisses. 

Your mind kept wandering back to those moments as you looked up at the man, watching the soft orange glow flicker across his face. His eyes were closed and he was starting to sway, you knew what this meant - you had approximately five minutes to get him up to bed or someone would have to carry him up there. You look around to see if there was anybody sober enough to help you get the lanky boy up the steps with no avail. 

“C’mon, Sammy. Let’s get you to bed.”

“Bug, are you trying to seduce me right now?” Rolling your eyes, you let out a huff as the tall boy leaned more of his weight onto you, trusting that you would be able to get him upside and to bed safely. 

“Sam, I know you're plastered, but you’ve gotta help me out here.” 

“I always help you out. You’re my girl.” 

You knew better than to believe his words, after all he was drunk and just rambling. Hearing the words ‘my girl’  was your downfall. You hated the way it made you blush. You silently thank god that you were able to make it into his room in one piece. After plopping the boy down onto the twin mattress, you were wondering how on earth you were going to get this boy changed. Finding a pair of sweats and grabbing a loose shirt, you turned around to find Sam standing in front of the bed. 

“I thought I told you to stay on the bed.” 

“Ooo. Bossy. I like it.” You knew he was a lot to deal with when he was drunk, but this was new. 

“I’m not being bossy. I just want you to go to bed. I’m tired.” 

“I don’t want to go to bed.”

“And why’s that?” You replied back, mocking the way he was whining. 

“Cause you’re not gonna be here for me to cuddle.” 

“Sam. Stop. You don’t mean that.” 

“I do mean it,” Sam responded, stomping his foot like a two year old having a tantrum in the middle of a grocery store. 

“No you don’t.”

“Stop telling me what I think,” he demands.

“Sammy, I know you. You don’t mean it. I’m not the girl you go for. Just please go to bed.” Your heart is aching with every word you speak.

“You can’t see it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve had a thing for you for the past two years.”

“No you haven’t,” you scoff. As much as you wanted to believe him, you just couldn’t. 

“Yes I have,” he insists. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“Sam, look at you and then look at me. We don’t go together.” Your arms were crossed and your eyes found purchase on anything but him. His gaze never let up.

“Bug, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” 

“Please stop.” You could feel your breath slowly leaving your body as the young boy made his way to stand in front of you, placing a finger under your chin tilting your head up - silently begging for you to make eye contact with him. 

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” Sam whispered as he licked his lips. He leaves your eye contact briefly to look at your lips and then looks back into your eyes. Closing your eyes trying to find the right words to say - you were interrupted when you felt a pair of chapped lips meeting your soft ones. 

Not believing what was happening,  you opened up your eyes, only to be met with the sight of Sam’s eyes still closed focused on the task at hand. Closing your eyes, you could feel yourself melting into the kiss and slowly kissing the boy back. Sam could finally feel you relaxing into him - taking it as a sign to wrap his arms around your waist, pulling you in closer, running his hands through your hair. Not pulling or tugging, he was just holding you there. 

Sam shoved you away when he heard the wooden bedroom door being opened and slammed against the beige wall. Looking over at the intruder, you could feel your chest tighten up again when you saw that it was Sam’s other best friend. 

“Did I interrupt something?” Danny quizzed the couple in front of him, noticing the swollen lips and rustled dress shirt. 

“Nope,” Sam replied nonchalantly.

 After going to the bathroom that night, you decided to crash out in the boys basement, not being able to find it in yourself to face Danny after he walked in on the tender moment in between best friends. Waking up the morning afterwards, it took a couple of minutes for the realization of what happened- Sammy kissed you. Not only that, but he told you that you were the most beautiful person he ever saw. How were you supposed to address this situation with him?

Part of you wanted to run for the mountains and never face him again. Realistically you probably could live off the grid - but that would never happen, your parents would forbid it. Deciding that you needed to just talk to him, to figure out where you guys stood, you found yourself climbing up the steps of the quiet house. Placing your hand on the doorknob to turn it, you stopped yourself upon hearing muffled voices on the other side of the door. 

“So you kissed y/n last night?”

“Dude. I fucked up.” 

“But I thought you liked her?”

“Y/n? No, I think it was just the alcohol talking.” You could feel your heart breaking in two as you registered the words being spoken. 

“How are you gonna fix this?” 

“I just gotta tell her that it was a mistake. It meant nothing. I regret it.” 

If only you could be in the room and see the raven haired boy shaking his head at the lanky haired man laying on his bed hungover. 

The sudden feeling of a warm hand squeezing your knee brought you back to reality. Following up the arm of the man touching you - you were met with Jake’s coffee irises giving you the same sad sympathy look  he had given you the morning after the kiss.  You didn’t mean for any of Sam’s brothers to get involved with your relationship with him, but it just happened. After hearing Sam say the word ‘regret’, you ran outside onto the back porch in hopes of calming yourself down. 

Instead you were met with Jake smoking a cigarette and asking if you wanted to talk about it. Did you want to talk about it? It just so happens that your brain was telling you not to, while your heart had the opposite. You needed someone just to listen to you and the mysterious twin just happened to be there. That was the moment you and Jake became close. He held you as you cried - repeatedly telling you that his brother was a ‘fucking idiot’ and ‘if he doesn’t see how amazing you are, fuck him’. 

After that much needed pep talk from Jake, you pushed your feelings deep down inside and kept things as normal as you could with Sam. Meanwhile you and Jake were growing closer, but it was nothing in comparison with his little brother - the only issue is, Sam doesn’t know that. You were unaware of the fact that there were countless times the boys had been fighting over you. Well, more like it was Sam screaming at his  brother to leave you alone and to stop trying to ‘fuck you’. Jake would just look at him and give him a little smirk that would just push Sam over the edge. 

Jake moved his hand from your knee as a twig snaps in the dense woods just feet away from the group. Everyone’s attention is focused on the sound and you could feel your heart rate pick up. “What was that?”

“Probably just a deer,” Sam mutters as he peers into the darkness of the foliage. 

“What if it’s that killer?” Danny says all too casually. Your palms begin to sweat and you shoot him a death glare, challenging him to tell a cruel joke again. 

“What, you didn’t hear about it? It was on every local radio station around here.”

Sam meets your eyes then looks back to Danny. “No, we didn’t listen to the radio on the way here. I had my road trip playlist going.”

“You know how he is. ‘The radio is too mainstream,’” you roll your eyes, quoting Sam perfectly. 

Josh’s grin almost makes it seem like he could be the killer. “Oh, so you really don’t know then, huh? Well, when we got here we heard that there were several dead bodies found in the woods and the lake. They’d all been murdered.”

Your skin begins to crawl. You had just swam in that lake. The woods that once felt so serene now seem dark and foreboding. Like something was lurking, waiting for the right time to slip through the darkness and into the house of some poor, unsuspecting vacationers. 

“That’s not funny,” you mumble. 

Josh’s head snaps to you, looking near evil. “No, it isn’t. Not funny at all.”

“Cut the shit, Josh,” Jake scoffs. “Josh is just being a dickhead, but they are telling the truth. There were bodies found around here and they never found the killer.”

“What do you mean they never found the killer?” The hairs on the back of your neck standing up as you felt like something or someone was watching you through the trees. 

“Guys, knock it off. You’re scaring her,” Sam orders and moves his chair to sit next to you. “Hey, they’re just being douchebags. There’s nothing to worry about.” 

“All jokes aside, the story itself is true.  They never found the killer.. Rumor has it, one lady was slaughtered. Completely butchered. I guess the killer left a blood trail, the cops followed it into the woods. It stopped after twenty feet….whoever it is….they know how to hide. There really were bodies found around here, about three miles north.  But, I doubt anything will happen to us. He probably left town. Well, I’m hoping he did,” Danny attempts to comfort. 

“Danny,” Sam reprimands.

While you’re appreciative of Danny’s efforts, your stomach is queasy with fear. You don’t feel happy and carefree anymore. The moon shining down on the lake isn’t comforting like it once was, it’s ominous and holds secrets. The blowing wind seems like small whispers filled with said secrets.

“Can we go inside?” you ask quietly, eyes frantically scanning your surroundings. Feeling a hand cover your own, you recognize it immediately as Sam’s based on the way a crooked pinky finger is grazing against your own. 

“Hey, it’s okay. We can go in,” Sam murmurs as he laces your fingers together. It doesn’t take more than a small tug to get you out of your seat and heading towards the house. The rest of the guys decide to join you, hastily cleaning up their mess.

“Now you two can have that movie night,” Jake ribs. “We’ll be joining you, though.”

Josh immediately launches into a list of movie suggestions, but you can’t find it in you to care. Between the scare of the murders and the jumble of feelings for Sammy, you just needed to stare mindlessly at a screen for a while. 

The boys settle on the movie Psycho. You’re not sure if they’re intentionally trying to be dicks or not, but your mind is too busy to scold them. After gnawing on the skin of your thumb for a solid fifteen minutes, Sam slings his arm around your tense shoulders. The room is dark save for the glow of the tv screen and lamp that was hardly ever turned off, everyone is quiet. It could’ve been one of those world stopping moments you had with Sam whenever he danced along the boundary of friendship and maybe something more. The atmosphere was all wrong though. With the tension in the air and Jake’s worried eyes glancing at you periodically, there was no way you could indulge in this sweet moment.

Halfway through the movie, Jake stands abruptly. “I don’t remember if I put the fire out.”

“It’s been long enough. It probably went out by itself,” Josh mumbles, almost entirely distracted by the movie. 

“Do you really want to be responsible for a forest fire that could kill all of us? I’m going to check.” 

He moves through the living room and grabs his pack of cigarettes before breezing through the door. Your gut twists at the thought of Jake going out there alone. What if that killer was still around? 

You know you’re probably overreacting, but the sinking feeling in your chest wouldn’t let up, so you start to pull from Sam’s grasp. He only wraps around you tighter, shooting you a half smile.

“I wanna go with Jake,” you whisper, trying not to disturb the other two boys.

Sam’s full brows furrow, grasp still not letting up. “Why? He’s fine out there. We can see him through the window so we’ll know if something happens.” Standing your ground with a pointed look, the boy sighs and rubs your arm. “I would really like it if you would stay with me. I’ve missed you today.”

Oh. Your resolve melts a bit at his statement, some warmth returning to your heart. The puppy dog eyes he’s giving you are absolutely killer. How could you deny him? You sink back into your spot, safely tucked into his side and decide that Jake could wait until the movie was over. After all, you were being a little ridiculous about all of this. 

But when the movie is over, Jake is no longer in sight. Anxiety nearly consumes you as you lift from the creaky old couch and press your nose against the dusty pane of the window closest to you. “Guys? Why isn’t Jake back? Why can’t I see him?” 

Josh groans as he stretches out, foolishly opting to take a seat on the hardwood floor for the entire length of the film. “You know Jake. He’s probably off on one of his late night excursions.” The eldest joins your side after a moment, brown eyes scanning the darkness. “Look, he’s right there at the dock.”

There is a silhouette standing along the edge of the water at the beginning of the dock. It was far enough away that you couldn’t see any features, but the outline was there. You strain your eyes looking at the form. Was that Jake? You couldn’t tell.

“Are you sure?” you worry. “How do you know?” 

Josh claps you on the back, an amused smile gracing his youthful face. “I’m his twin. I think I could pick him out of a crowd of probably like, a thousand.”

“Let’s go to bed, okay? You’ll see Jake in the morning.” Sammy comes up behind you wrapping his arms around your midsection pulling you away from the window and towards the stairs. 

“None of you guys are going to check on him?” You ask them, trying not to be annoying but you just can’t shake this unsettling feeling in your gut. 

“Bug, he’ll be okay. Besides, we have this cool thing called twin telepathy. I know when something is wrong,” Josh tries to reassure you. 

“Y/n. He’ll be coming in at any minute. He’s gotta help me with the kayak’s tomorrow and you know he hates getting up early.” You took a deep breath continuing your journey up the stairs, trying to have faith in Danny’s sentence. Maybe I’m overthinking this. Deep Breaths y/n. 

Sam left you in the bedroom alone for a total of five minutes to change before you found yourself calling out for him frantically - you’ve never heard the man move faster. At lightning speed Sam came crashing through the door searching for your figure. Nestled into the wall closest to the window, the boy could see your hands shaking uncontrollably. Stalking his way over to you, wrapping you up in his arms, whispering ‘you’re okay’ into your hair. 

“S…Sam. There’s something in the woods over there,” you tremble into his chest, shifting all your body weight onto him, seeking as much comfort as you possibly could. 

“Bug, there’s nothing out there.” 

“Yes there is! I just saw the bushes move. There’s something out there watching us.”  

“Y/n it’s pro-”

“Don’t tell me that it’s just a deer. It’s the killer Sam. I know it is,”  you cut Sam off desperately. To be fair, your intuition never lied to you when it came to things like this.  “We need to leave now.”

“Look at me.” He didn’t give you a chance to object as he put his fingers under your chin, firmly tilting your head up. “I will not let anything happen to you. Okay? I’m gonna kill the guys. They shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Well, I’m glad they did. Sam I'm not crazy, there’s someone watching us.” Your gaze returns to the forest. You know you saw something. You hadn’t imagined things like this before after hearing your fair share of campfire ghost stories. There was something different about this time. Something sinister. “Let’s go to bed okay? I think today’s just been long and we just need to sleep it off.” 

“Okay,” you sigh and feel his hands tugging you towards the bed as you keep looking out the window. Your intuition was screaming at you to get out of there as fast as you could. Crawling into bed, you opted for the spot closest to the door incase you needed a fast escape tonight. 

“Nuh-uh. Move over,” Sam grins, towering over your figure that’s already nestled into the sheets and slowly dozing off. 

“I’m comf-”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. Move it missy. I need to be by the door.” Sam starts pulling the comforter away from you, acting like he was about to sit on top of you in hopes that he would make you giggle. He knew your mind was racing about the possibility of the killer breaking into the lake house - he needed to try to take your mind off of it, even just a little bit. 

“Okay, okay. Bossy.” You find yourself starting to get nervous as the reality kicks in that Sam is laying next to you. Flinching as you feel his forearm rest against yours, you take it upon yourself to roll over onto your side, facing the wall. You couldn’t possibly bear to face him in such a moment that seemed as intimate as this. 

If you were facing him, you would’ve seen the way that he was staring at you, having a fight with his inner monologue that told him to roll over and pull you into him, but he was scared - scared that it would ruin the friendship although Sam knew that this was his moment. Now or never. Everytime that he tried to tell you how he felt, one of his brothers had to interrupt the moment.  Following his heart this time instead of his head, he pushes himself up against your back, throwing his arm over your midsection. Your eyes fly open at the action, you knew that you were going to be in close proximity - you just never expected this. 

“Relax,” Sam murmurs into your ear. Fuck maybe he felt me tensing. 

“I am.” 

“No you’re not. Just let me hold you for a minute.” 

“I’m going to go look for Jake,” you mumble, moving his arm off of you. Trying to find an excuse to get away from him. Thinking about how he must’ve drank in those five minutes you were parted, there was no way Sam was sober and speaking to you like this. Finally succeeding and moving his arm, you sit up, getting ready to crawl out of bed when you hear Sam letting out a groan behind you.

“Why are you so worried about Jake?” The boy explodes. Shocked by the sudden outburst, you turn around to find him sitting up, red in the face. He was pissed.

“Sam, he’s outside by himself.” 

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?” At this point you were out of the bed making your way over to the dresser, looking for a sweatshirt to throw on before you went outside. 

“I said bullshit, y/n. Just tell me that you’re into my brother instead of leading me on.” 

“Instead of leading you on?” You whip around to face him, hands trembling from the confrontation.

“Wow. Do you need a hearing aid or something? Do you know how obvious it is that you like Jake? The way you’ve been hanging all over him since sophomore year? You’re supposed to be the person that’s closest to me, yet you still decide to go after my big brother. Newsflash, y/n, he’ll fuck you and leave!”

Sam’s posture is rigid, face and bare chest flushed with passion of the moment. You hate yourself for thinking he looks pretty.

“Sam, what are you talking about?” 

“You’re fucking unbelievable,” Sam spits out at you in a venom laced tone. 

“Me? Me? I’m the unbelievable one?”

“That’s what I just fucking said.” 

You scoff and tug your sweatshirt over your head. You can’t believe what he’s saying to you. He had the audacity to call you deaf, yet didn’t realize just how blind he truly is. 

“Tell me,” you seethe. “Tell me when I’ve been all over your brother, Samuel.”

He rattles off different instances, starting with sophomore year and how you suddenly grew close with Jake. He told you his perspective of those secret moments with the older Kiszka, not knowing you were actually lamenting over your own best friend. Sam suddenly grows quiet and his chest heaves. “I just wish I could be that person for you. I want that to be me. I have looked up to Jakey for so long - my entire life - and somehow I keep falling short. Even with you. I just want you to feel the same feelings I feel for you.”

Your lower lip trembles and your nails dig into the flesh of your palm. “Don’t,” you say through grit teeth. “Don’t say that to me. Especially when you regretted it so much last time.” 

His honey eyes that are darkened with distress flick from the comforter to look into yours, pink lips shaping into a small ‘o’. He stares at you for a moment before whispering, “You heard that?”  

“I had my hearing aids on that night.” 

“Y/n…I didn’t mean it.” 

“Please stay over there. Don’t come closer to me,” you plead with Sam as he gets out of bed and starts moving towards you. As much as you want the comfort of him holding you - you have to stand your ground and admit to him how much he destroyed you at that moment. 

“Please...just listen to me.”

“You’ve got two minutes,”  you bite, leaning back against the dresser and crossing your arms. 

“I was fifteen. I was scared, y/n. My brothers would tease me about you being my secret girlfriend all the time and I just- I don’t know, Bug. There’s no excuse for it. I don’t regret our kiss at all. If anything, I regret not coming to you the next day and kissing you again…this time sober.” 

You hate to admit it - your heart is aching as Sam expresses his feelings. Maybe this is the universe finally bringing us together. 

   “I came downstairs that morning looking for you. You know where I found you?” You shake your head at the man in front of you, trying to hold back tears as he makes his way slowly over. His large hands cup your face, gently rubbing his thumbs over your cheeks. 

“I saw you outside with Jake. He was holding you…something I should’ve been doing, not him. I got closer to the screen door and I realized you were sobbing into his chest. I thought you regretted the kiss. I figured the tears were because you didn’t want me the way I want you, so I just pretended that it never happened. I stood by on the sidelines, hiding how bad I wanted you, y/n.” 

“You want me?” You try blinking away the tears and Sam catches the single drop that rolls down your right cheek, gently wiping it away.

“Why wouldn’t I? I’ve been in love with you for the past two years. Thanks for noticing by the way.” Sam presses his forehead against yours, letting out a soft chuckle. 

“I’ve been in love with you too,” you whisper, looking into his honey irises. 

“God, we’re idiots.” 

Both of you softly laugh whilst staring at each other, trying to press this memory into your mind. You silently wish that you could see this look of love on his face everytime you close your eyelids. 

“Hey, Sam?” 

“Yes, bug?” 

“Kiss me.” Your heart is pounding, but not in the uncomfortable way it had been for the last hour. Any worries you had are thrown out the window. Your mind is enveloped with Sam’s presence, his scent. He consumes you.

“Well, if you insist.” You find yourself closing your eyes as Sam leans forward, finally capturing your lips in his. It was short and sweet - nothing less than electric.

Pulling away, you two start giggling uncontrollably. 

“Can’t believe we haven’t done that since we were fifteen,” he chortles and pulls you flush to his chest. His visage grows serious as he gazes down at you, strands of hair falling and framing his face. “I’m not gonna run away this time, I promise. This time I’ll show all of them that I love you and that you are mine.”

The electric feeling flows from your lips down to your toes at his confession. This situation didn’t feel real. “I believe you,” you whisper. “Now let’s go to bed.”

The two of you lay side by side, but quickly end up being wrapped in each other. You’re almost certain that you’re flying, floating through some dreamland that only your brain would cruelly make up. You’re terrified that you’ll come crashing to the ground and none of this will be real. But in the morning, he’s still there. His soft locks are splayed around him after having fallen out of his bun in the night. Supple lips are parted as gentle breaths escape him. He’s an angel. You decide you wouldn’t leave his side until he woke. This is the perfect time to admire him uninterrupted. 

“You know it’s rude to stare right?” You flush with embarrassment knowing that you just got caught in the act. 

“Sorry.” 

Sam grins, looking down at you laying on top of him with your face as red as a tomato. He loves watching you get flustered.“Why are you apologizing? I didn’t say I hate it.”  

“How’d you sleep?” you mumble as you tuck your head back into his chest, wrapping your arms around him and squeezing tight. You couldn’t believe that this is real. Sam is yours. 

“Really?”

“What?” 

“We’re doing small talk now?” Sam giggles. 

“I’m nervous. I don’t know what to say.” 

“Stop. It’s just me, Bug. I told you last night I'm not going anywhere.” 

You open your mouth to reply, but you’re cut off by the sound of pans hitting the floor and a loud ‘fuck!’ from the kitchen. Both of you laugh out loud at Josh’s exclamation.

“We should probably go down there.” You pull yourself from his arms and slowly make your way over to the door, pausing to look back at the god-like man in bed. “You coming?”

Sam moans out a small protest. “Why? We can stay here. We don’t need to interact with them.” 

“He’s gonna burn the house down without supervision. You can stay here, but I’ll be damned if we all die in a house fire,” you joke and head out of the bedroom. It’s only a few seconds before you hear the padding of feet behind you and a set of bony fingers rest on your hips. He presses a kiss to your hair and descends the creaky stairs.

“Morning,” Josh grins as he spreads out ingredients for a large breakfast. “Day two at Camp Kiszka! How are you feeling?”

You steal a glance at Sam, forcing back a secretive smile. “I’d say we’re feeling pretty good.”

Before Josh can even ask why, the screen door is slamming open. Danny rushes in, looking pale and frantic. That same dreadful feeling from last night returns and his expression sends shivers down your spine.

Sam steps forward. “Dan, what’s wrong?”

Danny stands there shaking and wide eyed then nearly chokes over his words. “J…Ja..”

“C’mon, Danny, spit it out!” Josh moves beside the six foot man, slapping him on the back.

“Jake’s dead.”

[superbat-lmao]

Roy and Jason have their own comms channel that blocks the rest of the bats.

Because, when Roy is out of commission and it’s a slow night, he says the filthiest things over the comms to try and convince Jason to wrap it up early and come home.

Warning: Mature content.

Roy, who has years of experience over Jason also has the unique delight of patrolling for two weeks while Jason heals from a particularly nasty GSW. Once Jason’s well enough to listen in over the comms, he gets an idea.

The first time he signs on to their private channel, he’s direct and slightly nervous. He doesn’t get further than, “Busy night?”

“Nope!”

“Wanna come home and fuck me?”

There’s a noise like an impact and then Roy saying, “I might have to now that you almost gave me a concussion, Jaybird.”

But after a few days Jason really considered how much work it is for Roy to just keep talking. Because Jason has sat out in the cold for two and a half hours before, completely silent, and still had Roy chattering on in his ear with lurid fantasies.

So, he waits for Roy to do actual reconnaissance, writes down a couple of things beforehand, and really lays into it.

Because if there’s one thing that Roy is that Jason isn’t, it’s that he’s shameless.

But Jason is a bat, and if there’s one thing he’s capable of, it’s completing a mission.

So Roy announces that he’s going silent on his end and Jason waits about 7 minutes before laying into his master plan. He triple checks he’s on their private comm and goes for it.

“Have I told you what I think about on patrol when you’re on the comms? What it was like the first time you caught me off guard doing this?”

“Because at first you gave me a heart attack. I didn’t realize you’d switched lines and thought Babs could hear us. You’d said something about suffocating between my thighs and I damn near fell off a fire escape.”

“But my first stakeout? You talked about me pinning you to the wall of the alley I was above, fisting my hand around your cock, and putting my dick inside you. I couldn’t breathe, Roy. I thought I’d died when the mark finally moved and got the recon of who he was working for. I had to do breathing exercises the whole way home so I didn’t come in my gear.”

After a while, Jason gets used to the silence and just describes everything he can think of about Roy. He talks about his hands, the callouses on his fingers, his arms, what it’s like to sink his teeth into his neck, the feel of his muscles under Jason’s hands, how good he feels wrapped around Jason’s cock, or in Jason’s mouth, or how he tastes clenched around his tongue, how it feels to have Roy inside him, how Roy’s hair feels in his finger tips, how he loves the taste of his tongue, his teeth. How his back curves into his ass and the pale skin he bites when he clenches around Jason.

“God baby, how do you keep your hands to yourself saying things like this. I’m hard just thinking about you.”

And he is. Jason’s sweatpants are tented where he’s seated on the couch.

His mind wanders a bit, thinking on how rarely he’s speaking these thoughts about Roy out loud. He’s an enthusiastic partner, loud even, but rarely this explicit.

“Fuck Roy, is it easier for you to say these things when I’m not in front of you? Because I swear some times I look at you and forget how to breathe.”

“When you’re here in front of me it’s like someone has shorted a connection in my brain. I would forget English if you let me. Until all I could say is your name.”

He goes on for a while longer, not quite keeping track of how long he’s been talking for. He tries to picture what Roy will be like when he wraps up, when he comes home, but he draws a bit of a blank.

Because Jason knows this script, but not from this side. He’s always been the one to come through the window, to take Roy in whatever state he finds him on their bed, and bear down on him. To fulfill any fantasy that he had been hearing for the last twenty minutes to three hours.

But when Jason finally hears their window open, he realizes how much control Roy gives him. Because abruptly, Jason feels as though he’s been waiving a red piece of cloth in a dirt ring and he can finally hear the gate open.

He gasps into the kiss Roy demands from him, smiling into the satisfaction of how riled up he looks now that he’s removed his domino. Roy’s hands move with an urgency that makes Jason laugh as he removes his armor as quickly as possible.

“Of course you would find this funny. Jaybird, I swear on Alfred that if you don’t help me out of this right now I will combust.”

So Jason takes pity on him and strips what he can reach. There’s a pull in his leg when Roy readjusts them on the couch and it seems to occur to him that Roy is usually pretty injured when Jason is on the other side of this set up. He makes a mental note to move them to the bed in the future before letting himself get distracted.

When Roy’s wandering hands press a little too roughly that he feels Jason flinch, he takes the hint and they’re in the bedroom. Roy solves the problem of too much pressure by maneuvering Jason on top of him and letting him set the pace.

After, when they’re cleaned up and enjoying the distinct fuzziness of the afterglow, Roy tracing his fingers lazily around Jason’s chest, Jason can’t help but ask.

“So, how’d the recon go?”

Roy flushed a deep red at the question.

“That bad, huh?”

“I got what we needed.”

“Really? I didn’t distract you too bad? Do I have to up my game for next time?”

“I swear you‘ll be the death of me.”

When Jason shot him an unimpressed look Roy relented and went on.

“I didn’t think it would be that hard, I’ve spent literal hours sitting here doing the same thing and you’ve never almost botched a mission because of a hard on.”

“Yeah well, I don’t know how you can keep talking for so damn long. It’s one thing doing breathing exercises on a roof top, but our living room is too damn boring for me to be stuck looking at when talking about you.”

That gets a smile out of Roy, who presses a short kiss against Jason’s slight scowl.

“Aww Jaybird, you could always tell me while I’m here. I’ll keep things interesting.”

“Roy, if you’re here there are way more important things I could be doing than talk.”

“I do enjoy putting it to use in other ways, I’ll give you that. And tonight wasn’t, I mean. God Jason listening to you say everything, I don’t know where to start. I love every possible use your mouth could be put to, just, I don’t know if I can handle the insane amount of control you’re using to listen to everything on patrol.”

Jason worked on tucking them in properly, reaching for the light so they could finally get some sleep.

“Noted. Dirty talk on the comms only when you’re wrapped up for the night.”

“Ugh, I really hope this grappling with a boner thing doesn’t become a Thing.”

Jason laughed when he kissed Roy before really settling in.

“No promises.”

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- Second Half Of Tour

Part 42

2014

1st August- Toronto

The boys and I sit at a table eating breakfast excited to get back on tour

“What did Liam say when you spoke?” Louis asks before tackling a slice of toast

“I haven’t actually spoken to him yet” I sigh playing around with my scrambled eggs

“What?” Harry chokes on his orange juice, some of it coming out of his nose. Reaching for a napkin to wipe his face he continues “first he forgets a date then he doesn’t even ring you t’say sorry”

“People forget H” I shrug

“Yeah but you messaged him and rang him and he still hasn’t spoken to you”

“It’s fine”

“No it’s not bloody fine YN. He’s a dick” Harry points his fork at me “he’s not right f’you and you know it” he then eats the pineapple he’s had pointed at me with an angry expression. We sit in silence for a little longer before I speak up again

“I have been writing lyrics, well sentences, down in a notebook. Emma suggested it when I told her I was struggling to talk during therapy sessions”

“Really? Wow. Do you want them to be on our next album?” Louis asks. I shake my head no

“I don’t think I’m ever going to release them. They’re to personal, but writing down how I feel is helping. Even if one moment I’m sad the next I’m angry. Maybe one day I’ll show you”

“Whenever your ready, no pressure” Liam says next to me with a smile. He places his hand on my arm and gives it a little squeeze

“Have any of you ever thought about going solo?” Zayn asks

“No. Don’t think I could do this without you boys by my side” I reply

“I have. Not for a while though” Niall says

“I have. I’ll be honest this isn’t what I was expecting” Zayn tells us. I nod my head understanding

“I’ve thought about it but I’m not sure I’m cut up for that stuff going solo and everything” Liam tells us all

“H?” I look over at him as he’s been sat quietly

“Yeah I have definitely thought about my future and the bands future. I’d like to think if we did ever decide to take a break then we’d always have something to come back to one day”

“I’d….” I’m cut off by my phone ringing. I take it out of my pocket and see Liams name across the screen “it’s Liam, I’m gonna head up to my room”

“Want me to bring anything up for you?” Harry asks

“I’ll have some fruit please. Thank you” I leave the table and answer the phone “hi”

“I’m sorry I haven’t phoned you back, I’ve been busy. Why were you texting me about missing a date? We never planned anything”

“Yeah we did Liam. I got dressed up, did my hair and makeup. I was excited” I use my key card to enter my room

“YN are you ok? Because that didn’t happen. Your not coming down with something are you?” Liam asks sounding concerned

“I’m fine. We had a date and you forgot about it”

“Your acting crazy. We never planned one. I was only ringing you to let you know I’ll come to see you on the 11th. I have to go, speak to you later. Love you”

“Love you too” I reply and end the phone call.

20th August

25th September- New Orleans

“Eeeeek!” I squeal running off the stage to Emma who’s also running towards me. I wrap her up in a massive hug “I missed you”

“I missed you to. I’ve been seeing videos all over Twitter and I swear I even know the dance moves by this point” I laugh at emma knowing she probably does know the dance moves, but on top of that she will 100% dance tonight in the pit “YN this is my girlfriend Olivia” Emma introduces me to a very beautiful girl with long flowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I put my hand out for her to shake

“Hi I’m YN it’s nice to meet you”

“You too” she shakes my hand smiling

“YN!” I hear Harry say into the microphone in his hand

“I’m coming!” I shout back “you going to stay while we rehearse?” I ask

“If that’s ok with you all?”

“Of course it is Em. I’m just going to get my mic and my in-ears then you’ll get a sneak peak into tonight’s show” I give Emma one last hug before running back onto stage

“So Emma can come and see you, but your own boyfriend can’t?” Harry mutters

“H don’t start” I warn him

“When will you see that you deserve better than him. Fuck YN you deserve the whole world and that’s not Liam. I’m taking 5” with that I watch Harry storm off the stage. I look over to Louis who gives me a small smile

“Give him a few minutes”

5th October- Miami Gardens

“Break a leg up there Pumpkin” my dad hugs me

“Thanks dad” I hug him back but end up holding him for a while which makes him realise somethings wrong

“What’s going on Pumpkin? Is it Liam?” I nod my head without saying anything “what will be will be”

“I know, just hurts. He’s a good guy dad I love him, but I think he’s going to break up with me”

“If he does….” Before my dad can say anything the door opens and there’s stood Liam with tulips

“Sorry I didn’t know anyone else would be in here”

“No it’s ok. I think you two need some time to talk. I love you Pumpkin, your going to be amazing as usual” dad places a kiss on my forehead then leaves my dressing room

“I’m sorry I missed so many shows and I’m sorry about my snappy texts. I’ve just been really stressed out with press releases. These are for you, the start of me making it up to you” Liam hands me the flowers

“Thank you” I place them down on my makeup table

“Can I have a kiss and cuddle?”

“I thought we were on a break?” I raise an eyebrow at him

“That was me being an idiot”

“Fine you can have a kiss on the cheek” I walk over to him and place a kiss on his left cheek

“After tonight I’m making it up to you. You’ll be my girl again, love you”

“I love you too that’s why it hurts me no much when you act like how you did”

“I know I know, sorry”

“5 minutes YN” Paul says knocking my open door

“Ok thank you. I’ll speak to you later”

“I’ll be the loudest one in there tonight”

“You better”

[unfortunate-songbird]

writing me some poetry :)

Man, this is what leaving childhood feels like, doesn’t it?

My sister just said

your name

she was talking about someone else

her own friend but

it’s your name

and suddenly I was thrown back to a time

when it left my mouth so often

maybe more than any other name

i forgave you

i hate you

I miss you

i wish we never met

i wish our friendship never ended

i don’t think about it, I’ve moved on, that’s it

i have other friends

but you keep showing up in my dreams

you shouldn’t be there amidst the chaos

but you are

and every time

i swear it’s real

every time

we’re friends again

like nothing ever happened at all

i wish I could see you in person

i wish I could beg for forgiveness

i wish I could yell at you for everything everything everything everything

i hope I never see you again

I’m angry

I was so apologetic, and then I got angry

and then I forgave you all over again

and that should’ve been it but

I’m angry

do I ever cross your mind?

i hope you’ve forgotten me

i hope I haunt the corner of your eye in your dreams

i hope you remember me fondly

i hope you hate me as much as I do right now

You spat in my face

you did what you could

you left me you left me you left me

it was my fault

it was your fault

it was their fault

it was no one’s fault

it was everyone’s fault

it was your fault

(was it my fault? no, no, that sort of thinking drags up your words and sticks them to my mind’s eye with glue that lasts for weeks and your words Hurt)

i hope you don’t see this

i hope somehow you do

i hope you don’t see yourself in these words

i hope you know it’s about you

i hope you know it’s me

i hope you don’t recognize me

i hope you never know me again

i deleted all the pictures I had saved

of silly conversations

typos and the things we made together

(did you resent me? did you resent me? you said it wasn’t about me but it feels like that’s all it is)

they’re gone

i couldn’t get them back if I tried

and I haven’t (I have)

i hope you’re doing well

i hope you’ve found friends you love

more than you ever did me

(did you love me? why did you leave me? i was kneeling in the dirt sobbing apologies for unknown crimes. you couldn’t even bother telling me why. you couldn’t even bother saying goodbye. i waited for you. i waited for you, hoping you were coming, you were just late. that’s okay, i was so patient. and you never came)

i hope every word of this peels off the page and finds you and I hope you choke on each one of them

i wish i’d been spiteful enough to bite with sharpened teeth, bite hard enough to bleed, give you pain to match my bleeding heart. i wish I hadn’t just snarled once and forgave you. i wish I could throw an entire storm at you

shake the walls with the weight of every second I spent agonizing over you

Take you off your self righteous pedestal look you in the face and say everything I loved you too much to say

I’m so angry I’m so angry I’m so angry and helpless and hurt

you told me we were never that close anyway

(I loved you I loved you I loved you more than I ever could love myself (because you taught me the language of dark humor, suicide jokes, hating yourself))

you told me you wished i would trip over my own feet and die

like it was some funny joke

some lighthearted thing

like I didn’t love you

like I didn’t love you

like I didn’t love you love you love you love you

maybe I wish YOU would trip over your own feet and die

how about that?

i doubt you’d care. i always cared so much more about your opinion of me than you ever did about my opinion.

i wish I could kick you

right in the shins

i wish I could burst into tears and say ‘you hurt me’

like somehow you’d care if I just said it one more time

I’m

I’m

and then the love seeps back in

i love you

i hope you’re happy and healthy

i hope you pass all your classes

I’m so sick of you haunting me and making me cry all these years later

i hope I forget you forever

[lodessa]

for the Spotify wrapped writing thing... choose whichever inspires you the most / works best from these: 12, 45, 67 !!

For Hellcheer, I feel like #45 is the most apt:

Hymn for Tomorrow - Rozzi

I got baggage on my shoulders You say Girl let go And I’ve been the bitch with the bad weather You say Life is a record Play a new song

I got baggage on my shoulders

“No one likes a Negative Nancy,” her mom snaps with zero self awareness and Chrissy prays that if nothing else at least she keeps an awareness of her own flaws.

High strung. Easily startled. Too quick to say yes to whatever anyone around me wants. Neurotic. Spineless. 

Weird as it would be to say out loud, repeating all of her worst traits in her own head, helps Chrissy fight back the tears.  She takes a deep shaking breath and plasters a smile back on her face, before turning around to head back into the Ayres dressing room in defeat.

She cries in there, amongst the pile of dresses discarded for a variety of traits that were cardinal sins according to her mom: being too fitted, not fitted enough, too colorful, not enough color, too young, too old.  At this point Chrissy wishes she could just wear the same dress she wore to Homecoming last year.

Like that would fit you now,  she can just hear her mom saying, without having even suggested such a thing.

“Don’t be a baby,” she hears her mom’s voice call from the other side of the door.  “Honestly I have no idea why you have to be so sensitive all the time.  You’d think you were being tortured instead bought something nice.”

All Chrissy can think of is the carefully measured bowl of cereal and skim milk she didn’t even manage to keep down for half an hour this morning before they got in the car.

You say girl let go

“Let it go. If you want my advice, don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks,” the redheaded stranger offers through the school bathroom stall door as she hands over a wet paper towel, “Who gives a shit.”

Me,  Chrissy thinks.   She cares what everyone thinks, even this girl she doesn’t know the name of.

“Why bother with me then?” she can’t help asking; because, this underclassman seems like she has these easy answers, as impossible as they seem to Chrissy.

I don't not care. I can’t forget. I can’t let go.

“I don’t know,” the girl admits, “Us bitches with the bad weather should stick together I guess.”

“Bad weather,” Chrissy can’t help almost laughing at that as she turns and unlatches the stall door to face her unexpected companion, “Pretty sure I’m the Bermuda Triangle.”

“I don’t think so,” the other girl shakes her head, “Because I’m the Bermuda Triangle so I’d totally know.”

“Nice to meet you, Bermuda Triangle,” Chrissy says, wiping her eyes, though the tears seem to have finally stopped with the hyperventilating.

“If you can’t let go, we could always set whatever the problem is on fire,” her new friend offers, and Chrissy isn’t sure how much that’s actually a joke versus a real offer.

But I’m my own problem, she knows. If I could stop being everything would change. I’m losing it and I can’t let anyone know.

Wear the past like a hangover

“Can you at least try to act like you are having fun?” Jason snaps, yanking her to the side of the room, “I swear since the spring it’s like going out with a ghost.”

“Sorry,” she forces a smile.

“I just want us to move on, baby, go back to the way things were before.”

And Chrissy wishes she could, wishes she could forget the sound of that clock and the feeling of those spiders and literally everything about it.

But she can’t, and even if she could . . . now that she’s heard His voice whispering in her mind she can’t unsee the truth, can’t unrealize just how caged and miserable she’s been for as long as she can remember.

None of that is Jason’s fault though, so she tries to smile.  All Jason wants is for her to be happy.

“I want that too,” she only half lies, but all she can think about is how long it is going to be before she can escape this party to be alone with her emotional wreckage.

“That’s my girl,” Jason smiles, putting an arm around her shoulder,

But she’s not sure she is, or that she ever can be again.  How long is this feeling going to last?  Forever? She tries to hide the shudder that goes through her at the thought.

Life is a record. Play a new song.

“Hey, Cunningham, you okay?” Eddie asks, eyes and face open, and Chrissy bursts into hysterical laughter.

“I am the furthest thing from okay,” she laughs, or cries. It is starting to be unclear which, “I can’t get a night’s sleep without horrific dreams, I feel like a stranger to my own life.  That asshole’s voice still echoes in my head and the worst part of it is that that’s not even the worst voice in my head.”

She’s not sure why she’s telling Eddie this, but with him words just seem to come tumbling out instead of sticking in her throat.

“And the worst part is everyone expects me to just be normal, to act like none of it ever happened, to move on or back or I don’t know . . . I don’t belong in my own life anymore and I don’t know how to undo that.”

“I don’t think you do . . . go back, undo it,” Eddie offers, which is so different from what everyone else has said.  “What you went through, what we went through . . . that shit changes you.  We have gone through the looking glass, Chrissy, and now the world we knew before looks backwards, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” she admits, “And it’s not just what happened.  It’s the way I see everything that came before it now.  It’s like . . .  I was asleep and now - “

“You’re not. That’s a good thing.”

“I hate my life, Eddie,” she confesses, to them both, “I don’t want to keep living like this.  I don’t think I can.”

“Then don’t.” Eddie reaches out and takes her hand in his own, “You don’t have to stay the same.  Life is a record. Play a new song, move forward into the new version of who you are, who you want to be.”

“What if she was a mess long before being targeted by some sort of supernatural evil?” Chrissy breathes, looking into his warm eyes and feeling hope for the first time in a long while, “And what if she’s nothing but baggage and not being able to let go?”

[diariesof-kg]

The Heartbreaker Continued...

Tmobile won’t let me disconnect my phone line, what a damn joke.  And IG keeps denying me of deactivating my IG.  I just came back from seeing my kids.  It somehow healed a part of me.  The innocence of children is honestly a beautiful thing.  It’s the ultimate forever love you’ll always get.

I noticed everyone was on their phones and well I wasn’t.  The consumption of social media is really something toxic.  Everyone also noticed my energy was way off even though I smiled a lot.  My best friend mom was like “...are you okay? Are you good...” I wanted to break but couldn’t.  It’s like one of those moments of do not speak about that forbidden thing.  I want to go to the beach tonight.  I feel the urgency to get there.  I am kind of glad the plans are cancelled for tomorrow.  Hearing my mom say “Be strong...” stings.  She knows I’ve attempted to take my life 3x and the next time will be the last.  The last conversation, I cried when she said “be strong Ke’Anna, you have to be...” if anything should happen to her.  Maybe that’s why she refuses to come see me?  In my dreams I see her feet never her face.  Maybe she’s scared that if I come in contact I’ll let go of this world.  I’ve been strong and I’m tired.  Everyday I wake up and I am in pain.  I swear I don’t want to be in this vessel anymore.  It’s a weird type of pain.  And look at me venting my thoughts out.  Look at me disappearing, and yet, “I am a ghoster and a bad friend” Lol.

When shit hits the fan, no one has my back at all.  I honestly DO NOT understand why I am so bothered.  That’s why I need to go away.  I am beyond vulnerable at this point.  Accountability also bothers me.  No one is willing to admit their wrongs and apologize.  I feel like once my mom died, I became very weak and everything bothers me.  Maybe I am scared of being alone for once, when at first I wasn’t because she was here.  Maybe I am scared of my subconscious?  Maybe I am seeking things to feel a void?  What if I have become broken (like everyone else) and seeking a healer?  I feel like a disease walking around infecting those around me unintentionally.  I feel ugly inside.  This friend thing boiled everything over for me.  Capricorns are the goats but we feel things too.  We have emotions too.  We hurt too.  

I do be use to people’s actions, but a person can only handle so much.  The fact that my sister came and was so busy visiting her friends was hurtful.  I was only allowed two days and that barely worked.  I wanted to have lunch with her and my girlfriend but my sister schedule just didn’t allow that and she wasn’t going to readjust anything.  *tears* Maybe I’m too sensitive?  I get everyone has their own life, but the fact my own sister spared me 2 days, real life hurts.  I have to take care of everything regarding our mother and my brother, meanwhile she has no responsibilities.  That’s why I always question, what am I doing here?  I am here to do what others are not willing to do.  Then she poured the drama on me and didn’t pour back into me at all.  It’s like Ke’Anna why are you even upset at this point, you should be use to this.  I shouldn’t be use to anything at this point, I should be respected and appreciated.  So many things bother me at this point, I just want to disappear.  My feelings are always denied and never heard, that’s why I don’t speak about them, I’d rather write them out.  I feel like as a child it’s always been this way, but then once I interacted with other humans, it’s still the same, friendships, relationships, family.....

I wish people would stop seeing me as a sexual object.  I can’t even begin to express those thoughts.  I’d never forget when, this chick my friends named her Candy Cane was so upset, and said “you could get it, aint no way no one is fucking you...”  that’s for a different blog post, but I’ll gather those screenshots from my old phone.  Some random number, sent nudes, asking me to eat their p*ssy.  Anyone would be delighted to have things like this happen, but if you knew what happened to me as a child, you’d be a bit more respectful.  Plus the other chick sexually assaulting me (for another blog).  Phew....there is so much bottled up it’s starting to leak.  I enjoy intimacy with love making with the person I choose to be with.  I am not interested in having sex with random folks or be enticed by inappropriate comments that come from people I am not in a relationship with.  The sad thing about is, I can’t ask no one I am friends with who liked me to stop by, because I am too scared of being touched on and not knowing what to do.  I can’t even hug folks without them being turned on.  It’s a sick world seriously.  Although I’d never let these people know where I live, it be the thoughts sometimes, I just be needing a friend, not to be fcked on.  I can’t deny how people feel, but I wish it wasn’t towards me, this is why deep inside I just want to be loved properly.  I wish people would stop having sex dreams about me and telling me, I gag every time.  And the reason I don’t reply, because when I tell people, its inappropriate it turns into this big deal and I am the bad guy.

I stopped posting on social media, because I don’t like the comments or DMs sometimes and I know that’s weird, but for some reason compliments make me feel weird.  

To end this blog ----

I wish I wasn’t as weak right now.  Feeling numb, is like not caring if you live or die.  Not caring about eating, just existing at this point.  I need to go to the beach, but I can’t see at night.  I want to be loved properly.  I think that’s why it’s hard for me to say, “I love you...” because I know I mean it, but others may not.  “I love you so much...” she said just to tell lies on me and become the victim.  “I love you key...” just to accuse me of messing with your best friend, and interfering with your baby daddy.  Can someone please say, “I love you” without the bullshit being attached.  

[purplesurveys]

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Why did you close the door the last time you closed one? Simply because I hate leaving my bedroom door open. Just leaves me feeling exposed and I really really really value my privacy.

Stripes or polka dots? Depends on where it’s on but generally I prefer polka dots as I find them cute.

Do you care if people touch you when they’re talking to you? Hm, I think it depends where they’re touching. I’m fine with people touching me on the shoulder or lower back, but please don’t clutch my hand when talking to me or rest your hand on my thigh.

What is your gender? Female.

Do you think that people think its obvious? Yeah.

How long did your first date last? I never really had a first date. With my previous partner, we just jumped in immediately into being a couple and we didn’t really make it a point to have a First Date. If I remember correctly, the first time we ate out together was at a Subway and it was just to get a quick bite lol.

Is your favorite color within 10 feet of you? That would be purple, and no I don’t have anything purple near me at the moment.

Highlight of your day? It’s a beautiful Friday night and I’ve got all my favorite Korean food delivered – kimchi fried rice, Korean fried chicken, and gimbap – to enjoy for the rest of the evening.

Would you rather be on a boat or a plane? Plane. Much faster and less dizziness.

Can you tell when girls (or guys) have eyeliner on? For the most part, yeah.

Can you cook? I’m probably capable of following a recipe, but the catch is it just wouldn’t taste like anything. So let’s just keep this at a no.

How high is your ceiling? Not sure, anywhere between 12 to 15 feet high? It’s relatively higher than most households I’ve been to.

Whats the worst job you can think of? Any job where you have to take on calls for suicide attempts. Not because I think the job itself is bad, but because of the mental and emotional toll it can have for anyone working in the field. I admire everyone who does it for a living.

Do you swear a lot? I try to tone it down when I can but I am definitely prone to slipping a ‘fuck’ here and there. Lots of ‘shit’s on a daily basis too.

Does the last person you texted have an O in their name? Yes.

Is everything working in your house? The living room TV has started shutting down on its own so we haven’t used it in a while. Then again we all have our own laptops and phones, so it’s not like we’re in a hurry to have it fixed any time soon.

Would you rather have a pool or a trampoline? I’d love a pool. I don’t think anyone in the family would find any interest in a trampoline. Does pop give you energy? I was starting to write a lengthy answer thinking this was referring to pop music until it dawned on me that this was talking about soda LOL. Anyway, I hate the fizziness of soda so this isn’t really relevant to me.

TV show you love with a passion? Closest would probably be Breaking Bad, but in general I don’t typically form any strong emotional attachments to series. Do you think you learned anything from the worst night of your life? I try not to have any positive takeaways from things that give me trauma. Regarding the ‘worst’ night of my life, I’ve made it a point to forget everything about it, and so far I’ve been successful. I don’t even remember how the rest of that evening panned out, how I fell asleep, and how I woke up the next day.

Perfect age to get married? The perfect age doesn’t exist. People can get married at 23 and have that last a lifetime, the same way others can recognize the best timing at 75.

Is it safe to say you own over 20 pairs of shoes? Nah it definitely doesn’t exceed that number. 

Name a career path that women are known for taking. Just based on my personal experience, PR. We’re like 95% girls and then the boys just kind of pass through here and there lol. It seems to be the same for other agencies, coming from my experience working with creatives and influencer management agencies for my different accounts.

Favorite type of cookie? Just your classic chocolate chip cookies. I rarely ever go for other types.

A quality you look for in choosing a significant other? I’m not looking, but the hypothetical ideal partner is not a fucking gaslighter.

What would I find if I looked in your pocket? Vape pen.

What was your first word? Dunno. My parents didn’t take note of it either.

A musical instrument you wouldn’t mind learning how to play? Piano.

Last time you went to 7-eleven? Many months ago. I tend to stop by FamilyMart more often.

A fast food restaurant that you hate with a passion? There isn’t any, but I do hate going inside of KFCs and Chowkings because from experience they have consistently been the least sanitary stores. Food-wise, I tend to boycott Shakeys even though they’re not a fast food place per se because I find their menu too expensive even though it’s not even that good – fried chicken tastes like nothing and pizza’s too salty for this world :/

Does everyone in your family have a job? Only my brother doesn’t, but he’s in college so he doesn’t have to have a job.

Going anywhere this weekend? I was thinking of going to UP today for a bit of a self-date at the sunken garden while having my favorite street foods...but IDK I feel so lazy lol. Also I’ve been seeing people talk about this Netflix documentary about Korean cults so I might just stay at home and watch that instead.

Is your room ever clean? Yeah, it’s been very neat ever since we had it renovated and we had the loft bed built.

What does it mean when youre being quiet? It can mean anything. I like socializing, but I can be quiet too.

Last person you had a face to face conversation with? My mom and I talked about herbicide because she wanted to get some, lol.

Where’s your phone? It’s just right next to me.

Do you know the difference between your and you’re? Yep.

How late did you stay up last night? Around 2 AM. I had an early start this morning (had to make my way to the vet by 8 AM) so I wanted to sleep a little earlier than I usually would on a Friday.

Anyone you’re ready to kill? Nah, I’m good.

Do you need to get a tan? I’m already naturally tan; I never ‘need’ to go tanning.

What do you want? Secured tickets for Yoongi.

Favorite TV show as a kid? On Nickelodeon, I loved Spongebob, Fairly OddParents, and Drake & Josh; on Disney, I liked Suite Life and That’s So Raven; on Cartoon Network I liked Pokemon and Powerpuff Girls the most. Those were the days where you had no choice but to wait for those shows to air, which also forced you to have to memorize the program schedule for your usual channels hahaha; kids today are quite lucky to have their faves on-demand now.

Whats a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? Grey’s Anatomy. < Same, just because the first episode had such a meh impression on me. Also, Game of Thrones.

How many times have you been in love? Once.

Go camping or go to a party? Party.

Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? I’ve known curse words since I was 5 but didn’t start regularly using them until I was about 11.

How many years older than you would you date someone? I haven’t had any experience dating people of a different age, but I imagine I’d be most OK with someone older by around 1-2 years. What was the last thing you pinky swore on? Oof, I can’t remember; I don’t make those a lot.

Would you consider yourself a nice person? Well yeah, of course I try to be nice towards everyone.

Are there a lot of mirrors in your house? Not a lot, but all our mirrors are quite large. My mom likes how they’re able to cheat the appearance of our rooms and make them look bigger.

Has there ever been a serial killer in your house? Wow. No. Do you know anyone who looks like Adam Sandler? Nope.

True or false: Glee is annoying. Yeah it definitely gave off annoying vibes when it was around. I’m generally not a fan of shows about high school, and a lesser fan of covers. The annoying, popular kids in school also liked it, so that probably helped my case too lol.

Last thing you cooked? My sister and I made breakfast-style fried rice two weeks ago. It was basically fried rice wherein we mixed diced hotdogs and luncheon meat.

Do you use slang often? Yeah. Gotta keep my Gen Z blood alive hahahahaha jk.

Wear glasses? Yep. Cannot function without them. About how old was the last person that hit on you? I haven’t been hit on in a while.

What color are your headphones? My earphones are white.

Would you make a good teacher? Why? No, my throat gives out pretty quickly so I can’t keep talking for too long.

Don’t you hate those commercials that try too hard? Don’t we all.

Is the fan on? Yep. I’d open the windows, but it’s mosquito season :/

Any special reason why you’re taking this survey? Not really, I just saw someone on the feed take it first and wanted to do it myself as well because it seemed long and interesting enough.

What does the last text message you sent say? It was work-related, so I’m not going to check that as it’s the weekend.

Your friend needs you to run to the store to get a pregnancy test. Do you? Yeah, in a heartbeat.

Do you log out on facebook when you leave the site? I have not logged out of a website in YEARS.

What color are your underwear? Burgundy.

How short are your nails? It starting to have a bit of length to them but it doesn’t look gross yet, lol. I’ll probably have to trim this weekend.

Do you like the opposite sex to be dominant or you the one in control? I don’t really know.

Favorite holiday? My birthday, if it counts.

If I asked you to point to Ohio on a map of the US do you think you could? Nope.

Youre locked in a room with spiders. Do you have an issue? Depends on the amount of spiders, I guess?? If it’s like Fear Factor levels then I’d be freaking out in seconds.

Do you wear your most expensive item of clothing often? Those would be my one of my sneaker pairs and yeah I wear it fairly often.

Do you eat a lot of food? No. As much as I love food, my stomach is quick to feel full. I rarely finish the meals I get at restaurants and requesting for my leftovers to be packaged for takeout is a normal occurrence for me.

Have your parents ever tried to control your relationship? I never told them I was in a relationship, so nothing was ever acknowledged or attempted to be controlled. At this point though, they probably could tell I used to be in one. The way that they have never asked me about Gabie and why I never talk about her anymore tells me enough, hahaha.

Have you ever had to give someone directions before? Yeah but I always sound like such an idiot when I do it, so most of the time I just advise them to use Waze lol. 

Speaking of which, are you good at understanding driving directions? Not if it was given verbally. I just rely on Waze.

How many people do you text daily? Zero.

Do you play any instruments? Which instruments do you play? I mean I can play the simplest of songs on the recorder, but that’s it.

Is there anyone who you call by their last name? No.

What did you do on your last birthday? Stayed at home until dinner when I treated my family, then went to Zambales with friends that weekend.

Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? Probably wrath? I can have a temper. Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering? Maybe once or twice in the past but it’s not a general comment I get told.

What is your least favorite subject in school? Chemistry. Calculus is also a contender. I never had a grade above 85 in either class. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? No.

Do you know a couple who constantly sucks on each other’s face? Um, no.

When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? I literally have one on as background noise right now.

Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? Sure, a few times in the past.

When was the last time you held someone’s hand? About a month ago with Angela.

How many meals have you eaten today, so far? One,

Do you think it’s stupid for people to call others “hot?” Not at all?

Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? Yeah, and it’s so weird to me that some people think it isn’t. Using Wikipedia itself as a citation source is definitely fishy, but that’s the reason why they have detailed bibliographies below every article. As far as I know the approval process for edits is also pretty strict especially for bigger subjects or real-time events, so it’s not like you can get away with fucking around with the articles.

Have you ever shopped at Wet Seal before? Did you like it? I’ve never heard of that before.

Do you care about spending money if it’s someone else’s money? So much so that I never do it.

What is your favorite Disney movie of all time? Toy Story.

[jellysweets]

“you can’t have him! thoma is mine!”

thoma x gn!reader they/them pronouns used

genre(s) : fluff to angst to fluff, romantic fluff

warnings: reader has a mental breakdown. everything is in lowercase, probably some improper grammar. reader has hinted at thick thighs bc i do and uhh yeah so yeah sorry😭 btw some swearing also maybe ooc idk.. intended ayamiya!!

synopsis: y/n helps out around the kamisato estate occasionally, and ayaka asks them if they’d like their position to be official art become a true maid to the kamisato clan.

wc: 2.1k

kat’s ramble: FIRST POST!! yipee! so happy to finally start writing fics!! sorry if this is kinda bad ..😭 i personally don’t like it so.. btw h/c means hair color & h/l means hair length if u saw that and didn’t understand ! also one scene is inspired by horimiya in that scene between hori & remi 🤭🤭 horimiya fans ifykyk xx

as you were watering the flowers that decorate the kamisato estate, a familiar face approached you with her usual sweet smile.

“ah, lady ayaka, good morning.” you greet. ayaka sighs softly, “y/n, i told you to not greet me with such formality,” she smiles. “i appreciate the kindness, but you’re no stranger to me, nor the kamisato clan. you’re well acquainted with most in the kamisato family, so there’s no need to be so formal.”

“i know, i know,” you chuckle. “i just feel it’s more respectful to address you with more formality. though, i do apologize. i know you’d like to get a breather and be treated like an ordinary pedestrian, so i’ll make sure to call you plain ‘ayaka.’” you smile.

her eyes widen for a second, “oh! im here to ask you something on behalf of my brother because he was far too busy to find time to speak with you,” she places a hand on her chest. “i know it’s a lot to ask of you, but the kamisato clan is in need of a bit more assistance..”

you drop your watering can, “are you asking if i’d like to be a maid?” you ask softly in surprise. “well, i.. yes. i am.. i hope that’s not too much for you to handle, we would love to have you as an additional maid. lately, thoma has been exhausting himself.” your eyes widen at his name.

thoma.. someone you’ve been in love with for so long. you want to spend every second of every day with him. you feel at your best around him, and he opens someone inside of you that you didn’t know was there. and to think you might get to work aside him? uhh hell yeah, you’re accepting her offer.

“i would be happy to work for the clan.” you state with a warm smile. ayaka hums in glee, “thank you so much! i appreciate everything you’ve done for us already. and when you start helping out thoma, please don’t exhaust yourself as well. you’re a dear friend to the kamisato clan and i don’t want you to forget to take care of yourself because we can’t take of everything on our own.”

“i promise to take care of myself alongside working, i don’t want to upset you by overworking myself to the brim of exhaustion,” you place a hand on your heart. “and i’ll make sure to take good care of you and your brother.”

ayaka smiles, “please show up around 9am tomorrow and thoma will take good care of your training.” she smiles and you nod.

“lady ayaka!”, a voice yells from a distance away, you and ayaka look at the way it the voice came from. “ah, im apologize, y/n! i have to go now, see you soon!” she waves and runs off into the distance.

you blush a little, working with thoma everyday?, you think

you pick up your watering can and continue to water the flowers with a warm smile.

you showed up 2 hours early in hopes to spend some time with thoma before you start working, you cheeky little one!!

you sat on one of the steps of the kamisato estate and waited for thoma to arrive. maybe 5 minutes later, a chipper man with high energy walks up to you while humming. seeing him makes you feel so ecstatic and warm. “y/n!” thoma smiles.

aaaaaaaa he’s so cute!! you literally roll on the floor inside of your head. he’s a human golden retriever and u just wanna cuddle him for the rest of time. “you’re pretty early, ayaka told you to come at 9, right?” thoma tilts his head slightly in curiosity. “yes.. but i.. showed up early in hopes to spend time with you…” you admit sheepishly.

thoma blushes a little be quickly shakes it off with a smile. “i’d love to spend time with you, y/n! and i already can’t wait to start working with you. you could come along to give the animals the sweaters i made them !”

you tilted your head and smiled and the light wind blew your [h/l] + [h/c] hair and he thought you were oh so attractive/stunning/gorgeous (ur pick, whatever term u find urself most comfortable with!)

he blushes and tries to hide it with the back of his hand like some shojo male lead in anime (yoo shojo fan alert woops)

“ah- w-well we should get going before we don’t have enough time,” he stumbles on his words. “stay right there, i have to get them.” he runs off into the estate. he enters a room, hunches over, and puts his hands on his thighs, huffing and puffing. “crap.. they’re so cute..” he stands up and regulates his posture, his heart still beating 100 miles per second.

he shakes his head and grabs the sweaters he hand knit in his spare time. he looks down and smiles at them. exiting the room and returning to the spot where he left you. waving at you when he approaches you.

“okay, lets head out!” you nod and walk with him to the usual spot where you give the cats treats and try to befriend that one feisty dog that refuses to open up to you, but you’ll never give up. thoma always laughs at your attempt to befriend the pup and then has to take care of your injury when he bites you and makes your hand bleed.

you arrive to the spot shaded by the tree and you sit down on your knees. thoma looks over and sees your thighs. he darts his eyes somewhere else and he blushes a little, god he just wants to rest his head on your thighs and take a nap.

the cat walks up to you and sits in your lap, “ah- it’s not easy to get this on you in this position.. mm.. there you go!” you pick up the cat after putting the kitten sweater on her, “you look so cute in this!” “mew!” you let out a big smile.

he hands you one of the hand knit sweaters, “wanna put this one on her ?” “of course!” you began calling to one of the cats softly and putting out your hand.

“it seems she likes it,” thoma smiles at you. “and look, he looks dashing in this, does he not?” thoma gestures to the dog sitting on his lap in the red sweater. “aww, he does!!” you smile.

time seems to fly as you put the sweaters on and have fun with thoma. “aah, shit! it’s 8:50!” you groan. “aww, we ‘outta head back then,” he frowns. “you need help up?” he puts out his hand to help you up. you reach out your hand and take his in yours.

you head back to the estate, and he never lets go of your hand. he didn’t even notice, but you did and you were blushing the whole way back.

you arrive at the estate and thoma let’s go of your hand, still not addressing it.

“alrighty! ready to get to work?” thoma asks. “yeah!” you respond enthusiastically. thoma smiles at you, and thoughts are racing in his head about how excited he is to begin working with you.

your first week of work is done and over with, and you’re exhausted. you wake up in your home in inazuma city, and you hear a knock on your door. “mm..” you groan as you walk to the door.

you open it and see a familiar face. “hi, y/n!” ayaka greets with a smile. “la-… ayaka.. good morning, i didn’t expect you to come visit.” you say groggily, wiping your eyes.

“im terribly sorry for showing up out of the blue, and it seems you’ve just woken up. i came to invite you over to the estate today, i’d like to hang out.. and.. i also need some advice.” she looks at the floor nervously. “ah, okay! i just need to get ready, i’ll be over soon.”

ayaka leaves with a wave, and you close the door. you open your closet and pick out an outfit. you brush out your [h/l] hair, and head out to the estate.

you knock on the door to the estate and ayaka greets you with a smile, per usual. “y/n, so glad you’re here,” she smiles. you nod. you hide your hands behind your back so she doesn’t see how hard they’re shaking. what “advice” did she need? she doesn’t like thoma.. does she? no, that’d be ridiculous. but.. what if she does? thoma would for sure like her more than you.

she’s rich but humble, she’s beautiful. she’s one of the kindest people in inazuma. you’re just.. you. she has so much more than you, he could never want you. and that’s the harsh reality you’ve forced yourself to face. “ah, come in!” she steps away from the doorway and gestures that you come in with her arm.

you walk in with a smile and feel refreshed. ayaka doesn’t know about your feelings for thoma, she doesn’t have any ill intents if this is about thoma. you manage to calm yourself down with a deep breath. you take a seat on her futon and she sits down beside you.

“so, y/n.. ive thought about asking thoma to the festival, and i need you to help me pick my outfit..” ayaka says looking straight down at the floor, you can see her hands shaking slightly.

your heart drops when you hear his name. “thoma?..” ayaka nods, and she stands up. she picks up three gorgeous kimonos custom made by ogura mio, “im not sure what to wear, and i haven’t even asked him yet! ahh, please help, y/n..” ayaka sighs.

“i’m sorry, but i can’t let you have him,” you mumble under your breath. “im sorry, i didn’t hear you. can you repeat that?” ayaka says. “you can’t have him! thoma is mine!”

“w-wha?” ayaka’s eyes widen. “i.. im so sorry..!” you yell as you run out of her room. why would you say that? thoma doesn’t belong to anyone. he’s not yours, he’s not ayaka’s, he’s not anybody’s. “y/n!” you hear ayaka yell from the distance.

you don’t stop running, you just keep going to your home. the tears keep streaming down your face. you open the door to your home and run to your room.

you fall to the floor. the thoughts start rushing in.

he’ll never want you, thoma isn’t yours. he’ll never be yours. you can’t give him anything. you can’t provide him anything. you’re an idiot.

you fall to your knees, “stop! please, please. i don’t want to hear this. don’t make me face the truth..” you sob as you grip your hair with wide eyes. you pass out on the floor. you’ll have to sort out everything with ayaka the next day.

you wake up to ayaka sitting on her knees next to your futon that she probably laid you on when she saw your previously unconscious body. “..ayaka?”.. you groan as you sit up. “y/n!!” ayaka hugs you suddenly. “ayaka.. im so sorry..” a tear falls from your eye as you hug her back.

“it’s okay,” she says as she lets go of you and smiles. “there’s someone here who wants to talk to you.” she winks. you look to your left and there sits thoma. ayaka walks out of the room to give you some privacy.

“y/n..” your eyes widen, “thoma.. im sorry. i should’ve never said that, you’re not-..” thoma cuts you off. “i love you,” his face flushes red due to his sudden confession. “..so much. i want to be yours.” he smiles at you. “wha..-“ he cuts you off again and kisses you. his lips are really soft, he’s so gentle, caring. making sure not to hurt you.

he releases of your lips and smiles at you again. “thoma.. i love you too.. can you pinch me?” “wha.. no! i promise this is real, there’s no need for that, y/n haha!” his laugh is so cute omlqlNaAhaaaHAee you hear a slight clap sound outside of your bedroom door

you stand up and open your bedroom door, revealing two embarrassed inazuman girls looking back at you, whom are laughing and you are just confused. “sooo, y/n.. ayaka doesn’t actually like thoma!!” yoimiya reveals.

“i asked yoimiya to the festival.. ive known you like thoma for so long. you really didn’t hide it that well, y/n..” ayaka laughs.

“agh!” you gawk, putting a hand on your heart and pretending to be offended. thoma walks up and embraces you from behind, resting his head in the crook of your neck as he chuckles.

“it seems my plan worked!!” yoimiya puts her hands on her hips with a big grin. the four of you laugh and you can only think..

thoma really is mine…

— reblogs are appreciated ! —

[talesofstyles]

Drs Styles

paediatric heart surgeon harry, husband harry and dad harry. honestly the holy trinity.

warning: they did it in the car. bloody animals.

Harry

“Move your car, please!”

“What are you going to do? Write me a ticket?”

“This is in the interests of safety for the children!”

I look at the time in the car. I’ve still got about twenty to twenty-five minutes to watch this drama unfold at the school gate. I just wish we had popcorn because drop-off and parking situations at the school gates are always more entertaining than Good Morning Britain. 

The school gate is a strange social scene, and honestly, I don’t blame my wife for trying to avoid it like a plague. Sometimes, you don’t even have to talk to these people to know everything about their lives and more. I swear there are more gossips in the class WhatsApp group and daily playground chattering than in the copies of The Sun and Daily Mail combined. You know who’s married, who’s getting a divorce, whose husband shagged the au pair again, whose party you haven’t been invited to, even who’s looking for a builder. 

I see the school caretaker chuckling to himself as he sweeps the autumn leaves off the pathway, no doubt also enjoying our morning entertainment. 

“Why is Mrs Chambers screaming like that?” Alma, our eldest daughter, asks from the back of the car. 

“Because that man parks his car in a drop-off zone,” I reply, still watching him as he removes a child from his car seat. “Do you know who that is?”

“I think the boy is your classmate,” Alma turns to her sister.

Fiona, our youngest, peers over to inspect. “Oh yeah, that’s Rufus and his dad.”

“Do we like Rufus?”

“Not unless we like boys who pee down the slides,” Fiona scrunches her nose up. “He stood at the top and peed down like a waterfall. I haven’t gone down the slide ever since.”

I shake my head and let out a chuckle. “M’sure they’ve cleaned it up since, button.” 

Did you know that choosing a school for your child after nursery can be a head-throbbing, stomach-twisting, heart-pounding experience? Well, it can. How is one supposed to choose a school anyway? According to the proximity? Leavers Results? Adorable uniforms? Parents’ agendas?

After many, many discussions and visits through more schools than I can count, we ended up with Thomas’s Kensington. It’s a great school, and only ten minutes away from our home, making school runs easier. The downside of this school is the fact that it costs us an arm and a leg and that they’re always trying to rip us off any chance they get. Also, they only take the kids until 11, so after that, we’ll have to look for other schools again. But since our girls are only seven and five, we can worry about that later. 

There’s a strange mix of parents at this place. I went to school up in the North and the school gate scene is nothing like this. Here there are more au pairs, fancy cars, nicer clothes and people coming with impressive tans from their last weekend break in Antibes. The kids here are suited up too: the PE kit is the size of a small weekender bag, and we put them in uniforms that make them look smart, hoping that will increase the size of their brains. A child walks past our car with a cello case, another with a hockey stick. It’s a different land here. One that my socialist in-laws constantly tease us about and one which my mum was hysterical about because she was scared her grandbabies would be little Tories. I promised her I’d keep them grounded by only giving them plain hobnobs. None of those luxury chocolate covered ones.

Jokes aside, my girls are happy here. They’re thriving. They learn French and Spanish and Mandarin, even if they share a class with kids who have ridiculous names like Kitty and Archibald. 

A knock at my window calls me to attention. I wind it down.

“Are you Fiona’s dad?” A mum asks me.

“I am.”

“It’s about Ophelia’s riding party this Saturday at the riding stables.” 

Like I said, it’s a different land here.

“I thought we RSVPed to that?” I look at her in confusion.

“Yes, you did, but we have to change the food options as one of the partygoers is allergic to nuts. I’m making everyone aware and we need to let the guests know that they can’t bring any nuts on the day.”

A dirty joke is right there on the tip of my tongue and I’m trying my hardest to keep it in. My wife would definitely find it funny though, I’ve got to remember this and tell her later. 

“Noted,” I mean, I wasn’t going to send my daughter to a party with a packet of cashews anyway but I nod politely.

“And just gift vouchers for gifts please. Smiggle, if you can.”

Again, I nod, biting my tongue at the presumptuousness. But then I suddenly panic, because we haven’t entered the realms of pony riding just yet. Do I have to buy jods and boots? If I don’t, will my daughter be the odd one out? But Ophelia’s mum saunters off before I’ve got the chance to ask.

“Do I have to go to that party, daddy?” Fiona asks. 

“Well, we’ve already replied, poppet,” I tell her. “Did you not want to go?”

“I’ll go if I have to.”

I don’t answer because I get distracted by a vacant space. I edge the car forward so my girls can hop off. 

“I love you both. Have a good day, make good choices.” 

“Bye daddy! We’ll see you after work!”

***

Evelina London Children’s Hospital is our second home. Of course, as a children’s hospital, we try to make the place as fun as possible as not to freak those little patients out at being ill. It is bright and primary coloured, and each ward is decorated according to its own theme with different colours and lovely artworks. There are televisions and toys almost in every corner. We have a giant slide on the ground floor, and even the bins are shaped like red London buses. The aim was to help the children to forget that they’re in a hospital and take their minds off their sickness.

Since my wife and I are in the same department, our offices are next to each other, both overlooking the Thames. It’s nice up here. Would’ve been nicer if we could sneak in a quickie, but that’s practically impossible with our shared secretary’s desk sitting literally in front of our doors. 

Speak of the devil.

“Good morning. Here’s your tea,” my secretary follows me into my office with a cup of tea and a tiny plate with a couple of rich tea fingers. “Clinic until 3 pm, scheduled PDA ligation in the laboratory for 4 pm and then evening rounds on the wards.”

“Mornin’ Rhonda, you look lovely today,” I greet her cheerily. She’s a stern-looking woman who definitely likes her tea as strong as tits and who has probably never cried in her life. With such severity, she runs a tight ship, but she secretly has this affectionate side in her too. Not only is she a great secretary, but she also takes care of us in a way as a grandma does. She makes us tea, feeds us in between surgeries with biscuits or nice baby cheeses and crackers just so we wouldn’t starve. 

See that sofa over there in the corner of my office? Rhonda got me that. It was around the time when I had just become a new father with the sweetest, most gorgeous little baby who did not sleep. Alma wasn’t a fussy baby though. For some reason, she just wouldn’t go back to sleep after her midnight feed for months. Believe me, I tried everything. I changed her nappy, I swayed and jiggled and rocked and sung her to sleep. Odd nonsensical songs like, ‘Alma darling go to sleeep. Sleepy sleep sleep. Pleeeeease. I’m so tirrrred. My eyeballs may actually exploooode. I don’t want you to see thaaat.’ And she would just look at me all wide-eyed like I’d lost the plot. Those were song lyrics? That was rubbish. Please don’t give up your day job. Also, it’s not sleeping time. I’m awake. I’m ready for life. Come on, entertain me, old man. Isn’t this nice, just you and me? Tell me everything you know. EVERYTHING. 

Except of course she didn’t say all that. She would just stare at me and I had no idea what was going on in her little head. 

I took over my wife’s patients at the hospital during her maternity leave, so I had longer hours at the hospital. One day Rhonda found me napping on the floor between surgeries, so she sweet-talked some porters into looking for any old sofas on the go and paid to have this one reupholstered. She even bought me a fleece throw for it too. We really don’t deserve her.

“You hittin’ on me?” She deadpans. “Yer wife not doing it for you these days?”

“It’s the blazer. I’m a sucker for a blazer.”

“If I’d known, I would’ve worn it more often,” she replies. “Did my nice dress yesterday not give you the fanny flutters?”

“It’s schlong shiver for me,” I roar with laughter. “And it’s the tartan, makes you look well old.”

“YN, yer husband’s a bloody git, did I ever tell you that?” Rhonda says loud enough for my wife to hear, and I can hear my wife’s laughter from her office next door. “Drink your tea. Your first clinic appointment is in twenty.”

“Yes ma’am,” I salute her. 

***

The Arctic ward in the Evelina is home to many of our imaging, heart and kidney services. The name is probably giving it away, but everything is decorated in blue and white to go with the theme. We have several zones, and since paediatric cardiology clinics are held in the Walrus zone, I spend a great deal of time each day looking at walrus and snowflake decals. 

“Doctor Styles!” I hear a little voice shouts in excitement as I walk towards the waiting room in the outpatient ward. I smile, because I recognise that voice even before I see the little person.

The waiting room is very open here compared to other hospitals. There’s a sea of noise, snacks, tiny juice boxes and colouring pages. There’s also always a look of expectation, judgement on the faces of parents and guardians every time I walk in. They want to see if their doctor is old or qualified enough to see their children. There’s always one child who has the whole gang with them; parents, two sets of grandparents and even several aunts and uncles, and there’s also at least one child running around in circles out of boredom. 

This little lad bounces off his chair and hurls himself at me in a way like a little puppy would when its owner comes home from work. I put an arm out, hoping that he’ll apply the brakes but no such luck and he bundles himself into my arms. “Nice to see you, mate.”

His parents smile as they watch their son’s antics, who then runs off as I shake their hands. I turn around to see what caught his attention, and I can’t help but chuckle when I realise it’s my wife. 

“Doctor pretty Styles!” He exclaims excitedly as he bundles himself into her arms. She gets a mouthful of curls in the process. 

“Hi Rory,” she greets him as she runs her fingers through his curly mop. 

“Oi,” I pout as I walk towards them. “You don’t think I’m pretty?”

“Your wife is prettier,” he says with a shrug, his tone matter-of-fact.

She laughs and gives him a high-five. “Rory, you are officially my favourite patient.”

She is right. Rory is one of our special patients for sure. We’ve both known him for about six years now, ever since Rory’s mum gave birth to this tiny human next door at St Thomas and his heart was literally broken. I remember watching proudly from the theatre when my wife replaced two of his valves when he was born. It was in our early years of training. Long time patients like Rory almost always feel like family. We’ve seen all their parents’ tears and watched over their children throughout the years. They send us cards and wine every Christmas and despite all attempts to keep a professional distance, their kids do feel like our own.

Rory shrugs off his dinosaur rucksack and unzips it, pulling out a drawing of a blue whale and an opened packet of KitKat. I like that the whale wears a top hat and appears to also don a moustache. 

“I drew you both a picture. Only one though, because I figure you can share,” he says with a big toothy grin and hands the packet of KitKat to my wife. “And I’ve got half a KitKat here. Do you want it?”

“I’m good for now. Keep that KitKat for later on the tube,” she smiles and waves at Rory as she begins to walk away towards the fetal cardiology ward just down the hall. “Bye Rory, thanks for the picture.”

“Bye doctor pretty Styles,” Rory replies, making my wife laugh as she walks away. I give her a wave and a wink. 

“Hey Rory, did you know a blue whale has a heart the size of a small car?” I ask him and his eyes widen.

“No way! That’s mega!” He exclaims. “Do you think you could operate on a whale heart?”

“I would need a very big ladder,” I tell him. “And a wetsuit. I’d give it a go though.”

A senior nurse from the outpatient ward, Florence approaches us with a junior nurse trailing behind her. “Dr Styles, always a pleasure.”

I smile at her. “Florence. How are we today?”

“Busy as usual,” she replies. “We’re about twenty minutes behind I’m afraid. We had Dr Goodridge in this morning and you know he likes to talk.”

“He always runs over,” I chuckle. “Well, don’t worry. I’ll skip lunch and get us back up to speed.”

“I’ll make sure to send some snacks for you. Here’s your chart, your files are already in your office. And this is Alice, your nurse today. She’s newly qualified so might need some instructions.”

The new nurse looks terrified so I smile at her to try and calm her fears. I totally get that. When you work in medicine, unfortunately, you’ll realise that there are a lot of rude self-important wankers. 

I look down at my chart and find Rory’s name on the top of the list. “Well, look who’s coming with me to the exam room.”

Rory reaches out to hold my hand and we walk towards the examination room. His parents follow us closely, carrying the usual coats and devices that people do when they know they’re bound for a hospital waiting room. I see them inside and sit behind the desk.

“So, young man, I hear we’ve had a touch of drama with you. Can you tell me what happened?”

I’ve actually already got the information in the file, but I like the way this kid tells a story. He reminds me of my youngest. 

“So… I was at school and we were doing PE and I wasn’t really feeling it because it was cold and really we should have been inside but Mr Witter makes us go outside because he used to be in the Army apparently and he says we should get used to the cold but that’s what they do in prisons.”

I smile. “Go on.”

“And then my heart started running.”

“You mean racing?”

He nods firmly. Racing isn’t even the word. It sprinted to the finish like Bolt at 252 beats per minute, three times the speed it should.

“It felt like bubbles in my chest and then the school went crazy panicky and they called the ambulance and they brought me to the hospital but not this one, it was another one and it wasn’t as good because you weren’t there and they had really bad biscuit.”

His mum adds. “And they gave him some drugs to bring it back to a steady rhythm; they were close to shocking him.” Her voice trails off and both parents’ faces look drawn and pale remembering the incident.

Rory looks absolutely unbothered by this. To be fair, we have put this little man through everything. We’ve cut his chest open more times than is necessary for someone so small, we hook him up to machines and put him on treadmills. His resilience and character amaze me, and I really can’t imagine what it feels like to see your child so vulnerable and helpless, to be paralysed and weighed down with such worry.

“Alright then, little man, we need to make sure that your heart is working as it should. This is Alice, and she is going to take you over for an ECG and we just need to make sure your tick-tock is in good shape.”

Rory nods and jumps off the chair. His dad offers him a piggyback, and his mum smiles at them. I can hear Rory offering that half KitKat to Alice as they leave the room. 

His mother turns to me as the door is closed, her shoulders relaxing, allowing herself to breathe. “And how are you?” I ask her.

“You just think it’s done and then something like that comes along to scare you,” she says with a sigh.

“Let’s have these tests and then see if it’s anything major to worry about,” I try to calm her. “Episodes of rapid heartbeat is quite common in Rory’s case, and we can look into drugs to remedy that if necessary.”

She smiles, nodding.

“Did you have any other questions for me?”

She studies my face for a moment too long. “I… well, it will show up in Rory’s records soon, but my husband I are… I mean we’re getting a divorce.”

I pause for a moment. Of course, I know these things happen in life, but I’ve known this couple for years. I’ve seen them at their lowest ebb, bound by friendship and their love for that boy. I really do feel sorry for them.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I mumble.

“We just… we’re terrified about telling Rory.”

“He doesn’t know?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “We’re scared of breaking him. I mean, look at him. All of this stuff he’s been through and he carries on like nothing has happened. We don’t want to upset him.”

“It took a team of us the best part of six years to build Rory’s heart. There's a warranty on that workmanship,” I reassure her. “Have that chat with him. He’ll be fine.”

***

“Have we got time for dinner first?” I turn to my wife as we walk out of the hospital. We don’t normally have the luxury of ending our shift at the same time, but today is exceptional. We have parents’ evening at the girls’ school so Rhonda made sure to clear up our schedule after our evening rounds at the ward. 

“No, but we can raid M&S and eat in the car?”

I’m starving and I almost cry with relief at the suggestion. “Always knew I married the right woman.”

She chuckles. “Damn right you did.”

We leave the car at the hospital and she drags me along the walkways to Waterloo, the breeze biting at our cheeks. I pull her into M&S, dodging the marching commuters and grab a basket. 

“I’ll look for some wine,” she says before she saunters off. “Oh and I want sushi. None of that crap with the mayonnaise please.”

“Alright.”

I skipped lunch today so the whole place calls to me. I start taking very random things off the shelves: a packet of raspberry iced buns. That’ll do. I also take some hummus for my wife because she bloody loves hummus. I’m not even joking, I’ve seen her down a whole pot of it. Then I take some sushi as requested, some coleslaw, a family bag of mature cheddar and red onion crisps and a trifle. I hope I don’t bump into Rhonda. Next are cheese twists, noodle salad and cocktail sausages. 

It takes me a while to notice that there is a man right next to me with a roll of yellow stickers in their back pocket. Hello there, you are one of my favourite people tonight. Have I managed to find that sacred hour when all the food is being marked down? He labels some prawns with dip and even though I get a little squeamish about eating fish near its expiry date, I put it in my basket. I then follow him around the corner. Now, this is dinner. I put all sorts of random food in my basket and smile at the thought.

Ooh, knockdown pizzas. I should get a pizza. That’s tomorrow’s tea sorted, the girls will love it. Although I can’t help but wonder, what’s the limit for us to feed our daughters frozen pizza in a week before they get taken away from us? But eh, we might be able to get away with it if we give them frozen peas on the side. 

“Look at you,” says my wife, depositing two bottles of red in the basket. 

“Yes, it’s me. I’m the yellow sticker bitch.”

She snickers as we turn to head for the tills. “Excellent work.”

***

“Mr and Mrs Styles, welcome.”

“Mrs Ebner, always a pleasure,” I shake the headmistress’ hand who’s standing at the door. 

“Busy evening?” My wife asks her as she shakes her hand next.

“Always,” the headmistress replies with a smile, then proceeds to speak like she’s reading out of brochures. “But such a wonderful opportunity to connect with our parents and build on the special relationships we have with our school community.” 

Two uniformed minions appear.

“Lewis, Maggie, could you please show Mr and Mrs Styles through to the drinks reception?”

They both nod in unison. The boy holds his arms out like a waiter showing us to our table. We follow them through the school’s grand corridors to the main hall. It’s the one thing I like about this place. It’s very Hogwarts-like with hefty engraved name boards and sepia photos of successful sports teams. In the hall, a throng of parents mill around waiting to see respective teachers. It’s the same every year. We all dodge the people from the PTA trying to sell us quiz tickets, and the bowls of crisps out of hygiene concerns.

“Red or white?” Asks a lady in an apron.

This right here is the very reason we get through parents’ evening. From the look of the bottle, it’s decent wine too. I think that’s where a good proportion of our fees is going. 

“Red, please.”

We both take our glasses and walk to the corner of the hall. It’s essentially a holding area without the background music. The idea is that all the parents will get on and create a party vibe but it just becomes a strange family gathering. As terrible as it sounds, it’s sorted into cliques: parents who know each other via NCT groups, the international expat brigades who keep to themselves, the parents who’ve ostracised themselves by gossip, the ones who you know regularly brunch and ski together.

The boy from earlier suddenly appears in front of us. “Mrs Hughes is ready for you.”

I put my hand on the small of my wife’s back as we walk towards the classroom. Fiona’s teacher first and then Alma’s straight after. Right, we can do this.

“Mrs Hughes, we meet again,” I shake her hand. I’ve got no qualms about Mrs Hughes. She’s a seasoned teacher who likes a slack and sensible moccasin and we’re familiar with her since she taught Alma two years previously. When we enter the classroom, Lewis bows in reverence, taking his leave and I wonder whether to tip him. 

“It’s always lovely to have another Styles girl in my classroom. Fiona is a particular delight.”

My wife and I smile proudly. I’m sure Mrs Hughes says this to every parent here about their child, but that’s always nice to hear. 

“She talks a lot about you,” my wife says. “She seems to have settled in well.”

Mrs Hughes opens up a couple of books and it’s classic Fiona. Alma is ordered and neat—if she makes a mistake then she erases it completely and she underlines things with a ruler and listens to instruction carefully. She gets that from her mum. Fiona though, on the other hand, she’s all me. She has more wild abandon about her; no rulers, no rubbers. She puts giant crosses through things that don’t work and likes her bubble writing decorated with doodles of many, many cats.

I glance around the classroom as Mrs Hughes talks to us about standardised scores. The theme of the school is to show you how smart and educated these children are. Look at the copperplate handwriting, their reproductions of Van Gogh and our languages corner where they’ve all had a go at telling us what they like in French. I spy a contribution from my girl. J’adore les chats et le gâteau au chocolat. 

I’ve lost track of the conversation so I try to catch up.

“So to push Fiona into those top scores, perhaps we can look into tutoring? For maths, in particular, so she can grasp some of the concepts a little more tightly,” says Mrs Hughes. 

My wife and I look at each other confused. “Uh, I don’t think there’s a need, right? She’s only five.”

“It’s never too early,” replies Mrs Hughes. “We run an after-school tutoring club on Tuesdays that would help.”

Back when I was a youngster, clubs were fun endeavours that involved matching baseballs caps or were a chocolate biscuit that you had in your lunchbox. Maths tutoring session was not a club.

I ask her. “Is it free?”

“It’s fifteen pounds per session.”

See? My point being this should be a parents’ evening, not a sales session.

“Well, then it’s something to think about,” says my wife. “It could be that Fiona catches up with people throughout the year.”

“Possibly,” Mrs Hughes nods. Still, though, she proceeds to go into her folder and passes me a form. Sneaky. “Fiona has also shown great interest in languages and art. Her pictures have been a joy.”

Mrs Hughes goes to a file and pulls one of Fiona’s drawings. I glance down at it. It’s a standard child piece of art. The grass and sky are strips of colour to the top and bottom. It’s a family portrait, and we are as tall as the broccoli style trees. Wait, hang on a second. I count the number of people in the picture again. Is that-

“And Mrs Styles, I gather congratulations are in order,” she says with a smile. “Such lovely news.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Fiona told me it’s a boy,” she adds, and the sheer terror on my wife’s face at the realisation is priceless. “You must be very thrilled.”

I study the picture. There’s a house in the middle, and standing in a line in front of the house is our family. The one slightly taller than the broccoli tree is me. I’ve got my white lab coat, and I look like a serial killer because I’m holding a scalpel with the size of a butcher’s knife. Next to me is my wife, also with a white lab coat, but instead of a scalpel, she’s holding a very chunky baby who rather looks like a basketball with a head.

“Oh dear,” I chuckle. “Guess now we know what she’ll ask for Christmas.”

“Yeah,” my wife shakes her head. “We’re not expecting.”

“Oh, I apologise,” Mrs Hughes says with a sheepish smile.

“No worries, Mrs Hughes,” I tell her. “So, what else has our girl been up to here? Besides gossiping of course.”

Mrs Hughes laughs under her breath. “Well, in class, Fiona is attentive, bright and very helpful. She is a credit to you both.”

***

“I swear your daughter, Styles.”

We’re sitting in the car now. Finally done with parents’ evening, still laughing at the slightly creepy, chunky basketball baby in Fiona’s picture and the fact that three people, including Mrs Hughes, have congratulated us for the ‘baby’.

“You haven’t called me Styles in years,“ I turn to her with a grin. “Not since medical school.”

I can’t help but flashback to the good ol’ days when we had matching university hoodies and we’d test each other on the parts of a kidney whilst walking into lectures, sitting next to each other, sharing pens and cans of Lilt. 

“Well, after that I became a Styles too,” she chuckles. “Would be confusing then, wouldn’t it?”

“True,” I laugh under my breath, then I grab her hand and pull it to my mouth so I can kiss her knuckles. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For being a Styles.”

“Aw, aren’t we soppy tonight?” She smirks. “Alright, stop the car.”

“What?”

“There,” she points to a dark empty spot and I oblige. 

Then, before I can even ask her why, she reaches over and grabs me by the collar. Pulling me close to her and gives me a kiss. I kiss her back, and I smile when she bites gently on my bottom lip.

“Oi, oi. Something’s got you randy.”

The next thing I know, she undoes her seatbelt and then rolls her trousers down her legs along with her knickers, fumbling and giggling at the awkward movement. I push my seat back and pull my trousers down. 

“Don’t fall on gearstick now,” I joke as she climbs over to straddle me. “Well, unless you want to, of course…”

She laughs as she lowers herself over my lap. I really can’t believe what’s happening here.

“Mrs Styles, we’re about to have sex in a car. Around the corner from our daughters’ school.” 

“I know,” she says with a smile before she runs her tongue along my neck. “Not our first rodeo though.”

“Oh right, we did it in our Volvo years ago, didn’t we? Thought the suspension couldn’t take it.”

“And it turned out fine. Told you that you needed to have more faith in the Swedes, they’re a reliable breed.”

“I love it when you talk about Sweden.”

“Ikea.”

“Fuck.”

“Meatballs.”

“Billy Bookcase.”

She throws her head back in laughter and I take this as an opportunity to run my tongue along her collar bone. She gasps. I reach down to lift her before I slowly lower her over my cock. We both sigh as I enter her, a long exhalation with our lips barely touching. 

“Viggo Mortensen.”

“Isn’t he Danish?”

“Tomato, Tomahto.”

I smile at my wife and push my hips up, silently telling her that we don’t need to talk about Swedish people anymore. She grabs onto the car seat and levers herself up and down. I look at her in the eye, a goofy smile still plastered across my face.

But then I squint. Light. Bollocks, what’s that? Where’s that light coming from? Crap, that’s bright. Shit. I see the flash of a hi-vis jacket, a knock at the window and someone shaking their head.

Oh sodding fucking bollocking shit wank.

[thefanficmonster]

Corpse’s Girl

Corpse Husband x Reader (Female)

Warnings: Bullying, Swearing, Derogatory Terms

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Summary: Y/N’s life as a regular college student is forever stripped away from her when her relationship with the famous YouTuber Corpse Husband is accidentally revealed during an online class of hers. How will she cope with the sudden spotlight and the unwanted attention, some of which crosses into bullying?

Requested by my amazing Tumblr friend @itsminniekat 🥰 She’s been reading and liking my works since day one and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful. If you’re reading this, all I can say is thank you, darling. Thank you so much for sticking by my blog even when I posted some crappy fics. I’ll make sure this ain’t one of them. Love you with all my heart. ❤❤❤

P.S. - I named the mean character with my name so I hope no one who reads this has the same name. Wouldn’t want any of you feeling like the villain 😘

Who knew online class would be even more boring than being physically present for a lecture? Seriously, I find myself doing the weirdest of crap to entertain myself - like trying to balance a pen on the tip of my nose for example. I jot down some notes every now and then but that’s basically it. My mind can not fathom the concept on concentrating on whatever my professors are going on and on about. Well, full disclosure, I couldn’t concentrate even if I wanted to, especially with my boyfriend streaming in the other room.

He’s currently playing Among Us with his usual gaming squad. Listening to his input during the discussions, I can always tell when he’s lying. I honestly find it hilarious that his friends can’t pick up when he’s bullshitting them. I sometimes wonder if he has brainwashed them. And that’s one of the main reasons we don’t play Among Us together - he can’t lie to me. Not only do I pick up on his con with ease, but he always says he feels bad when he lies to me which is just the sweetest thing. Also, I refuse to play cause I’m shy. His friends are all well-known content creators and I’m a literal nobody. Every now and then I find myself wondering why Corpse is even with me. He’s always quick to push those thoughts out of my head and make sure they don’t return on a long notice, but they do interrupt my peace from time to time.

“Y/N, do you know?“ The sound of my professor saying my name takes me out of my eavesdropping of Corpse’s stream.

I panic, but quickly improvise, “Sorry, my internet is slow, you cut out for a second. What was the question?” I feel my face heating up, making me glad we are allowed to keep our cameras off.

“Question number 15 on page 82 in your textbook. Do you know the answer to it?“ My professor repeats himself, his tone annoyed.

I look down at the page that’s already opened in front of me. I let out a sigh of relief, seeing that the question is rather easy.

“Yeah, um, it’s...“ Suddenly, Corpse’s laugh reaches my room loud and clear. There’s no doubt my mic picked up the noise, especially since the door to my room is open.

The color drains from my face as I hurry to say the answer and remute myself. My eyes are wide as I stare at my screen, hoping no one will acknowledge that very recognizable laugh.

“OMG Y/N, are you watching a Corpse Husband stream in class?” One of the bitches in my class, Vy, speaks up, “Not a very goody-two-shoe move on your part, dear.” 

I purposely unmute my mic to mumble a quick ‘Shut up, bitch’ that somehow manages to fly under my professor’s radar and the class continues. It’s the first time something like this has happened and I’m not sure if I handled it properly or not.

The class ends shortly after, allowing me a sigh of relief as I disconnect from the meeting. 

“Fucking finally.“ I mumble to myself, leaning back in my desk chair. Tilting my head backwards, I see Corpse standing in the doorframe. I grin, not only because his presence itself makes me ten times happier, but also because he’s upside down from my viewpoint. “Well, hello there! How long have you been spying on me?“

He struts over to me, leaning his face over mine, “Long enough.” His lips linger above mine without any actual contact before he pulls away, allowing me to sit up straight and proper in the chair. “You still have classes?”

I nod my head while disappointedly rolling my eyes, “Yeah. One more. Shouldn’t be too bad since it’s English Lit. You’re done streaming?”

“Yeah, I just have some other things to do. I haven’t done a narration video in a while, I miss making that type of content.“ He plops down on my bed, running a hand through his messy black curls.

“Weren’t you recording some lines a few days ago?“ I frown as I try to recall if what I’m referring to actually happened or my brain is too fried to decipher reality from my bootleg perception of it. Online class, man - messes with your head like sleeping pills - makes you disoriented and exhausted with barely doing anything other than trying to wrap your brain around a lecture or two.

He hums affirmatively, “It’s not a finished project and I don’t even know if I’ll use those or rerecord them. I’ll have to listen to them again before I make a final decision.“

I tilt his chin upwards with my pointer finger, a gesture he has told me he finds very endearing, “I’m sure they’re great and you just refuse to be satisfied. Everything you do is great.“

He smiles a small, shy smile, his fingers gently wrapping around my wrist, holding my hand in place, “You’re biased. You like me too much to tell me when I do some bullshit.”

I scoff, “You know that isn’t true. If someone’s gonna kick your butt in formation, it’s gonna be me.“ I give him a quick kiss on the forehead before pulling away from him, “Go on, now. I have a class to attend. You distract me enough while you’re in the other room, I can only imagine how hard it’d be for me to focus if you were right by my side.“

He smirks, bowing a little as he makes his way out of the room, “You flatter me.”

I playfully roll my eyes, getting my headset back on as I tap the last class for the day. We have an assignment due to the start of the class which we’ll have to present if the professor approved of it. We basically had to write a psychoanalysis of a character from any book of our choice. I chose Heathcliff from ‘Wuthering Heights’ which is one of my favorite books of all time. I’m proud of what I wrote and the way I wrote it, but I’ve always barely scraped by with a B in this class, a B+ if I’m lucky, so I’ve never gotten any major credit, even when I put my 110% in the assignments and projects.

Well, color me surprised when the professor calls on me first to read my work, complimenting it on its detailed and specific nature. I get my printed assignment out in front of me and unmute myself.

“I wrote a psychoanalysis on for Heathcliff, a character from Emily Bronte’s novel ‘Wuthering Heights’.“ Just after I say this line, Corpse’s voice booms throughout the whole apartment, no doubt being picked up by my mic. It doesn’t sound like he’s actually talking, he can’t be that loud. I put two and two together when I recognize the lines he’s saying - the ones he recorded a few days ago. They’re coming from his computer speakers. He probably didn’t check the volume before playing back the recording.

I mute myself as quickly as possible, but it’s too late. The voice dies down as Corpse probably turned down the speakers.

My professor, who is already done with this lecture, just annoyedly remarks, her words overdosed with sarcasm: “Read your assignment and you can go back to whatever it is you are watching.”

“Wow, Y/N! Again?! Are you one of those crazy obsessed fans or something? Is Corpse Husband all you watch?“ This bitch is really poking a stick at me, huh? The only crazy obsessed fan here is her, and my friends but they are allowed. Little do all of them know, I am obsessed but not simply over a YouTuber. I’m obsessed with my boyfriend who just happens to be a YouTuber.

“No commentary, please.“ The professor scolds her, “Go on, Y/N.“

I finish reading without any other disturbances. The professor compliments my essay again when I’m done, the small incident at the beginning forgotten already. Well, not by everyone. One of my friends shot me a quick text to joke about it which only earned an eye roll from me.

My friends don’t know that I’m dating Corpse either. As I said, they are simping HARD over him while I act the most indifferent on the subject. Whenever they ask my opinion on him I either say ‘he’s OK’ or just avoid answering completely. I know saying anything more enthusiastic than that would turn into a snowball rolling down a snowy hill - I’d just keep babbling about how nice, amazing, wonderful and a gift to this world Corpse is, inevitably revealing our relationship in the process.

I’m afraid of revealing my relationship with Corpse in front of these people. They are all run on jealousy and selfishness and I can only imagine how mean they’d be about it. I’m already not too fond of them, it would only be worse if any of my personal life was exposed.

When the class finally ends I remove my headset, putting my forehead down on the desk, barely missing the keyboard. I groan in frustration and anger at myself for not fighting back. I could’ve and should’ve said something - ANYTHING. But what? That’s a question I can’t find the answer to.

“Hey...“ Corpse’s hesitant voice comes from behind me, “You ok?“

I straighten my posture, turning to him with a smile. “Yeah, but these people suck.”

I get up from my chair as he approaches me, basically falling in his arms. The comfort I feel radiating off of him makes me relax, forget the past hour or so. He has always had this effect on me. Like my own personal kryptonite to my anger and anxiety.

“Did I get you in any trouble because of that?“ His voice shows clear concern and guilt. 

I wrap my arms around him tighter, burying my head in his chest. “No, don’t worry about it.“ 

And I really wasn’t in trouble. Not until now that the video is officially posted....

I can call these people dumb all I want but they sure put two and two together awfully fast. They recognized the lines they heard during class as the same ones from his new video that came out almost a week after the incident, aka two days ago. It’s safe to say I haven’t touched my phone or computer since.

“This is all my fault.“

Of all the horrible things I suspected would happen this has to be the worst - Corpse is blaming himself for it. I am prepared to take all the shit these people have to throw at me but seeing Corpse beating himself up over this is killing me. No amount of convincing can change his mind. Nothing I say helps.

“Please, stop doing this to yourself. Non of this is your fault, Corpse.“ I’ve repeated this sentence more than a thousand time these past forty eight hours, each time saying it more and more desperately.

“All of it is my fault, Y/N. I’m so sorry. I hate myself so much.“ Has been his reply single time.

 I can’t watch him be so mean to himself. It’s the most conflicting thing when the person you love most is torturing themselves. It’s easy if it’s someone else doing it, you just kick their ass. But what are you supposed to do when the person you want to protect is the same one you need to protect them from.

Corpse has shut himself away in his recording room these past few hours and though he clearly needs to be alone, he still left the door open just a crack cause he knows I’ll be worried sick otherwise.

While I’m alone in the living room, I’ve finally managed to brace myself and build enough courage to power up my laptop. Last time it was on it was going mad with notifications.

“It’s digital. Only digital. It can’t hurt you too badly if it can’t touch you, right?“ I mumble to myself, already frustrated despite not having yet seen all the horrors that await me.

And horrors there were. Everywhere. Twitter. Instagram. Facebook.

My grades. Some pictures of me no one has ever seen. My school files. People from my class tweeting Corpse to ‘expose’ me for the ‘slut’ or ‘bitch’ I really am. Corpse hasn’t touched social media either and I plan on making sure it stays that way. God only knows how much worse he’ll get if he sees these claims.

And then, like a notification sent straight from hell, an email from my professor.

Practical lectures on Friday. Be here at 9 AM. Don’t forget your mask and gloves.

Good thing I opened my laptop when I did. Friday is tomorrow and I need to prepare for this day. Not only do I need to hit the books but I need to toughen up a bit. I can’t go there looking like I feel - like a mess.

Alright, time to put the brave face on. No more wallowing in it, at least not until tomorrow afternoon.

I make a study plan and hop in the shower. I feel the need to apologize to my hair for washing it so roughly, basically yanking at my strands from frustration that has been suppressed for too long.

I get our of the boiling hot shower, red as a lobster, and change into some clean comfortable clothes and put my ass in study mode. I remove all the scary expectations of the morning to come from my mind and let the information the textbooks has to offer seep into my brain.

                                                            *  *  *

I’m about to head out and, despite my put-together composure, I am a wreck inside. I actually put effort into my appearance, I mean - I even styled my hair. A pretty façade to hide a ruin.

I saw my friends’ texts last night, all three of them ending their friendship with me because they felt betrayed. I haven’t yet decided how to feel about that. Doesn’t matter at the moment, there are more important matters at hand, aka surviving the next three hours.

My college is within ten minutes walking distance from our apartment. That ten minute walk has never been so stressful, not even during exam season. The air feels a little harder to breathe, the path a little shorter to walk. And my moment of reckoning a little too close.

I feel eyes on me the second I start walking through the park of our campus. Sure, I could just be paranoid, but the feeling is too real to be just my imagination in overdrive. I’m glad I have my hair down and a mask on so the redness of my cheeks and neck isn’t on display. That’s a sign of weakness right now.

We have two an hour and a half long classes between which we have a snack break that’s half an hour. I usually enjoy that period but I’m dreading it now. These assholes can only be so mean in the presence of a professor, but during lunch break they can increase that tenfold. 

“Well if it isn’t Corpse’s girl.“ I hear that a lot. The whispers are not so much whispers as intentionally loud enough for me to hear remarks. I’m not bothered by them, it’s the least they can do. If I let such a simple thing get to me, I’d be crumbling by the end of first period.

I hear some shuffling behind me and out of the corner of my eye I see, yeah you guessed it, THAT bitch. She’s standing as close to me as she can without violating Covid regulations. A mask is covering her face but the menacing look in her eyes tells me all I need to know about the interaction that’s about to go down.

“I’d ask how much he pays you for the hour.....“ her long nails tap the wooden desk, “but that’d be rude. I bet it’s tough being a maid. Do you just clean or are you a multipurpose lap dog? No offense, I’m genuinely curious.“

“Vy, would you be so kind as to give Y/N some room to breathe?“ The professor asks as he nonchalantly walks in.

Vy rolls her eyes, batting her eyelashes at me, “Talk to you later, sweetheart.” With a fake friendly wave she’s out of my hair, at least for now.

Remember what I said about these people not being as dumb as I pegged them to be? Yeah, scratch that. These fuckers actually tried getting away with taking pictures of me with flash in broad daylight. Like, HELLO! I have two functioning eyes and a brain, I’m onto you. Sadly, me having figured out their childish but hurtful methods of humiliating me doesn’t change much. They still posted the pics they took, using the most derogatory terms they could find in the English language, always making sure to tag Corpse and me both.

Needless to say, these were the longest three hours of my life.

                                                              *  *  *

Shutting the door to our apartment behind me causes relief of the highest levels. I feel like I’ve locked out all the bad shit I have had to deal with these past twenty four hours. 

I’m tired. I’m fucking exhausted. I feel like a discarded piece of paper. 

And it all starts crumbling. A wall is bound to start slowly falling apart after being hit over and over again, each time feeling the blows with a stronger intensity. 

I slide down the door sitting down on the floor and slowly taking my shoes off. I put my bag beside me and wrap my arms around my knees, hiding my head in the space between them and my chest.

One tear slides down my cheek.

Another follows.

And another, this time accompanied by a choked sob.

A pair of arms wraps around the ball that my body has been shaped into. One of his hands comes up to stroke my hair gently, feeding me the comfort I have been longing for since I left the apartment this morning.

“I saw it. All of it. All the shit they talk about you. All the names they call you. And I’ve never wanted to beat so many people up simultaneously.“ His words make me raise my head from its low position, giving him a knowing look. “I wish I could. I would, but that would land me in jail. Which doesn’t even sound so bad cause I don’t like going out. Only problem is you wouldn’t be with me. I wouldn’t want you to be there with me, don’t get me wrong, I’d never want you to end up in jail. I-...” I cut him off by pressing my lips to his. A quick kiss that says so much but mainly shows the immeasurable gratitude for his support.

Seeing those awful tweets and comments had the complete opposite effect on him. He no longer blames himself but the people who actually deserve the blame - all those jerks from my college.

I pull away, giving him a small smile. “I would never let you go to jail.” 

He smiles back at me, overjoyed that my mood is slowly being lifted, “Come on, I have a nice crowd that would like to meet you.”

I know exactly what he means. Felix, Sean, Rae, Dave, Sykkuno and the rest of his friends. The people I’ve been so shy and afraid to meet since day one. Being shy doesn’t really make sense now, seeing as how they know I exist and that I’m a part of Corpse’s life. 

What do I have to lose?

“Guys, this is my girlfriend, Y/N.“ Corpse’s black avatar runs around my cyan one in the Among Us lobby.

I can’t help but giggle when I unmute my mic, “Hi everyone! It’s so nice to finally meet you.“ They each introduce themselves, expressing how happy they are to be meeting me too.

It’s the first time in what feels like a while that I’m truly having fun. These people are wonderful, each so unique and lovely. They never brought up the scandal nor acted as though they knew about it. I know they did and I am beyond grateful that they never mentioned it or treated me any differently because of it. Also, Corpse was streaming the whole time. I had my phone on his stream, my eyes nervously scanning the chat every now and then. I couldn’t believe it. Corpse’s real fans were just as wonderful as his friends - they were nothing but supportive and happy to have met me.

Now, I can either choose to believe these people were being so nice to me out of sympathy or I can believe they really like me and appreciate me for who I am and not for what happened to me. 

I choose to believe the latter.

And while I’m still getting accustomed to this whole new spotlight, I know I’ll be able to handle it as long as I’m holding Corpse’s hand in the process. All I need is to have him beside me and I’m prepared to tackle anything.

“They love you.“ Corpse tells me once the stream is done and we’ve hopped out of the Discord call, “But I love you more.“

His arms wrap around my waist while mine instinctively find their way around his neck, “I love them, too. But they’re at the number 2 spot.”

He smirks at me, “I wonder who’s at number 1.”

I push up on my toes, putting my lips an inch away from his, “Hmm, I wonder...”

He doesn’t let me finish, silencing my teasing with a sweet, loving kiss.

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat

[watchmegetobsessed]

Never Have I Ever - Harry Styles

this is very random and just a lil somethin’, bc i secretly dream about being on one of these shows and meeting one of my crushes lmao, not me pretending to be at an interview in my own kitchen, hah, not at all!

hi hello so im adding this after this was posted. i randomly turned this into a series so you can find further parts for this in the series masterpost!

word count: 1.8k

pairing: Harry x actress!reader

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

“It’s so good to have you here, it’s been quite some time since the last time you sat in this chair, am I right?” Ellen asked with a warm smile as you nodded.

“Yeah, I’ve been busy, I guess,” you chuckle tugging your hair behind your ear.

“I mean, of course. You starred in two movies since then and even got nominated for an Emmy as well for your role in The Umbrella Academy!” she lists and the audience starts cheering on your successes. “Of course you’ve been busy, but I’m glad you had time to drop by for a talk. So, let’s talk about your upcoming movie. You’ll be co-stars with Zendaya and Finn Wolfhard, it’s a quite interesting cast.”

“Yes! I’m very excited to work with them, I just met Zendaya the other day and though I’M yet to meet Finn I’m sure we will get along well.”

“What was your first impression about Zendaya?”

“Oh, she is very sweet and funny, I think working with her will be more like just a fun activity,” you admit chuckling and Ellen nods in agreement.

“I bet. Alright. So let’s talk about quarantine, it was a rather huge part of the year, where did you spend it?”

“I went home to my family, so I quarantined with them in my hometown.”

“And what did you do mostly?”

“We played a lot of board games and my mom taught me to cook,” you admit with a shy chuckle.

“Yeah, we had the luck to see parts of that,” Ellen chuckles as a video of you and your mom in the kitchen appears on the big screen behind you. It was posted to your Instagram when she attempted to teach you how to make her famous meatloaf. “It seems like you are a natural talent in the kitchen.”

“Well, I haven’t burned it down, so it’s going fine,” you chuckle.

“Alright, and what else did you do? Seen any good movies or discovered some new artists in the world of music?”

“Oh, absolutely. I definitely watched everything I’ve been postponing and I got to listen to new music, so now I have a few new favorites,” you admit smiling.

“Have you been listening to Harry Styles lately?” she asks and you find the question a little odd and very… specific.

“I mean, yes, but it wasn’t anything new, I really like his music,” you admit truthfully. “He is a great artist for sure.”

“Have you been at any of his concerts by any chance?” she asks and you notice that the audience is getting a little excited over something, but you don’t pay too much attention to it.

“Not yet, but I hope it’s gonna happen one day.”

“Well, I think I can get you tickets to see him,” a voice speaks up from behind you and immediately, the audience starts cheering as your head snaps around and you see none other than Harry Styles standing behind you. Your mouth hangs open as you feel yourself blushing, he is so tall and handsome, dressed in a bright blue suit with a silver shirt underneath, smiling down at you widely as he walks around the armchairs to greet you.

“Oh shit, I was not expecting this,” you breathe out as you stand up and hug him shortly before he moves over to greet Ellen as well.

“’M glad you like my music, Love,” he smiles as he sits in the armchair next to you and you swear you see him wink at you.

“We thought you wouldn’t mind our other guest joining in,” Ellen explains Harry’s appearance.

“Not at all,” you smile shaking your head. Harry has been your celebrity crush for quite a while, but the two of you just never crossed paths, until now.

“’S very nice to meet yeh,” he nods in your way.

“Same goes for you.”

“Okay, so now that Harry is here, I thought that we could play a little game,” Ellen announces reaching for something next to her armchair.

“Oh man,” you breathe out earning a round of laughter from the audience. “Last time we played something you asked me the most embarrassing burning questions!” you whine thinking back how you had to admit that you sleep with your lights on when it’s raining outside.

“We’ll do something similar this time too,” she chuckles before handing out two round boards to you and Harry as well.

“Oh fo’ fuck’s sake!” Harry groans making the audience laugh again. “Not this!”

“I know you loved it when we played it the last time,” Ellen grins as Harry hides his face behind the board that’s now showing his I HAVE sign towards the cameras. “We’re gonna play Never Have I Ever, I think you both know the rules.”

“Yes, this is why I want to run away now,” you mumble under your breath.

“I’m going with yeh,” Harry smirks at you finally letting his board drop to his knees. Seemingly, the audience is enjoying your misery.

“Don’t be babies, it’s gonna be fun!” “For who? Not me!” Harry exclaims making everyone in the studio laugh. “Should’ve asked what we’re gonna do before I said yes.”

“Too late, Harry. Alright, let’s start,” Ellen announces as she takes her card in her hands, picking the first one and she reads the lines on it. “Never have I ever had a crush on someone I worked with.”

You huff as you turn your board so the I HAVE side is facing the camera, while Ellen has the same side showing, but Harry shows the I HAVE NEVER.

“Never?” you ask Harry.

“Well, what do yeh mean by working with?” he asks with narrow eyes as he taps on his chin.

“Anyone you had any relations with through a job.”

“Well then…” he sighs turning the board, earning some cheering.

“Okay. Never have I ever drunk texted someone and regretted it in the morning,” Ellen continues with the next question.

“Oh, too often,” you blurt out holding up the I HAVE side.

“What did yeh write?” Harry asks with a cheeky smile while he holds up the same side.

“Well, there are just too many, I can’t choose,” you admit laughing. “I often tend to write down my feelings when I had a little too much to drink and then send it without a second thought.”

“Then I better get yeh drunk to find out what yeh think about me,” Harry teases and you hear a loud “ooh” coming from the audience while you can only hope your make up covers the blush on your cheeks.

“I’d need your number for that to happen,” you say arching an eyebrow at him.

“That’s something we can easily fix,” he smirks.

“Okay, before the two of you go on your first date right away, let’s finish the game,” Ellen jokes and you both turn to her. “Never have I ever kissed someone I didn’t know.”

“What do you mean by knowing someone?” you ask to clarify.

“Let’s say you didn’t even know their name,” she adds and as you think about it, you hold up the I HAVE NEVER side first, but then flip it over.

“Oh, something popped into yeh mind?” Harry teases while he holds up the I HAVE side as well.

“I guess I just want to forget about it, but I can’t,” you admit chuckling awkwardly.

“Were you drunk or you just didn’t care to ask for their name?” Ellen questions.

“I’ve had quite a few drinks if I’m being honest. But I think he told me his name, I just didn’t catch it,” you admit.

“Poor guy, he is completely forgotten,” Harry chimes in shaking his head in a dramatic way.

“Alright, we have two more questions. Never have I ever had a friend with benefits.”

“This game sucks!” you snap as you hold up the I HAVE side, making the audience laugh. “You’re making me look like such a bad person!” you whine to Ellen.

“Don’t feel so bad, Harry is in the same shoe!” she chuckles and turning to the man on your right you see that Harry has the same side showing and a very cheeky smirk on his lips.

“How did it end?” you ask out of curiosity. You know how yours ended, in a horrible fight, because he wanted more, but you were in it just for the fun.

“Not in the best way, if I’m bein’ honest,” he clears his throat leaning back in his seat. “How about yours?”

“Same,” you nod chuckling.

“I guess it was a learning lesson for the both of you,” Ellen smirks before reading the last question. “Never have I ever ghosted somebody.”

“Shit,” you mumble, trying to hide your smirk as you hold up the I HAVE side. Harry thinks to himself before doing the same. Leaning forward he checks yours and your eyes meet for a moment.

“I think it would be an honor to anyone to be ghosted by yeh,” he teases you making you roll your eyes. “Wha’? ‘M telling the truth!” he chuckles.

“Wanna get on the list of my ghosted people?” you joke raising your eyebrows at him and he immediately holds his hands up.

“Would rather not.” He places a hand over his heart before smiling in your way sweetly. “Tha’ would break m’ heart.”

“Oh come on!” you chuckle feeling the heat crawling up your neck and cheeks as the audience lets out a soft “aww” at his words.

“Alright, thank you for playing, I think we found out some interesting things about the both of you.”

“Thanks for embarrassing us,” you add mumbling as you hand her back the board.

“It was a pleasure,” she chuckles. “We’ll be right back after a short break, please stay with us, we have more from Y/N and Harry coming right in your way, so stay tuned!” she announces as the crowd cheers.

“Friends with benefits, huh?” Harry asks smirking in your way as you fix your dress. You just shrug your shoulder trying to look casual when you feel so intimidated sitting next to him.

“Had to try it, I guess,” you admit.

“I get it,” he chuckles. “So, if I were to ask for yeh number, would I eventually be ghosted as well?”

You have to bite into your bottom lip to hide your growing smile at his attempt to flirt with you.

“We’ll see. You gotta ask for it first,” you tell him with a knowing smile, hoping to look flirty and light, not the nervous wreck that you truly feel like talking to him.

“I think my dressing room is two doors down yours, so expect me to drop by after this,” he smirks, making your heart skip a beat before Ellen starts speaking and the taping continues.

NEXT PART

[descendantsramblings]

Letters to the Sea-Uma

Uma X Auradon! Reader

Soulmate AU: Everything that is written or drawn on your Soulmate’s skin will appear on your own

I created three days of the Sea Three, Ending it with the Captain. Uses They/Them for the reader 

   They started to wonder if their soulmate didn’t exist, some people did end up that way. Or maybe they just always had ink and paint on their hands already and that’s why they never saw something appear on their skin? Maybe their soul mate didn’t use ink or paint, just pencil and color pencil for things, that would keep things from showing up on their own skin. Or perhaps, they didn’t like writing on themselves? The royal thought of a million reasons why they wouldn’t find something on their skin. They weren’t ready to except the fact that not everyone had a true love. Frustrated, the cap of a pin was yanked off, falling to  the desk as they put the tip of it to their skin, maybe they could just write to them?  “Hello, my name is (Y/n). Is anyone out there?” 

   Felling the tingling of her soulmate on her skin, Uma jumped to check it. The words stared up at her, “Is anyone out there?” Uma traced the words, she loved when things appeared on her skin. Paint in royal blues and shining silvers would randomly cover her fingers, black and red ink smeared on the side of her hand and arm, grocery lists and chemistry notes appearing on her wrist. Whoever her soulmate was, they were artsy and forgetful. And that was precious to the sea witch. She knew this was something she had to respond to, reaching under the bar for her own pen. “Uma, remember the name.” 

    (Y/n) was in class when they felt the tingling on their arm for the first time, the words stared up at them in a handwriting that they found charming. Uma’s ‘r’s were sharp, ‘e’s held a slight point to them, the ‘a’s were hooked, the top nearly touched the loop at the bottom. “Remember the name” as if they would forget, their soulmate existed, that was the most exciting thing to them. Days went by after that, they didn’t feel the tingling again. Apparently making the first move at a conversation couldn’t get them anywhere unless they carried it past the first introduction. So there the royal sat, writing a letter on their left thigh to a person they had never met. 

    “Uma is a really nice name, I’ve never met someone with a name like that. I guess I should tell you about myself? I don’t really know how to do this whole, letters to a stranger thing, but it would be nice to get to know you. I love painting but I guess you can tell that, surely you’re covered by the works of that the same way I am, sorry for that by the way. I also always wanted a cat but I’m allergic so my parents won’t let me, I’m not even deadly allergic though so I don’t see how that’s fair, I’d be fine managing.” 

     Uma sat on her bed, staring down at the letter with a laugh, is that what they were doing now? The girl grabs a pen out of her bag, writing on her right thigh so it wouldn’t cover her soulmate’s writing. She didn’t exactly know what to say to them, the whole soulmate business was weird. Villains weren’t supposed to care about true love, yet there she was, writing a letter the the person who was meant to be the love of her life. 

    “(Y/n) is a nice name, no one has that name around here either. I don’t mind the paint, the ink smearing down my arm can get annoying though, but I won’t hold it against you. I’m not a fan of cats, I always wanted a sea pony though, we have two at school, I help take care of them, even took them home twice. It was the most exciting thing, I love them, I swear to you one of them can recognize me when I walk into the room, she swims right up to the glass of the tank when she sees me. I should stop talking about them though, I don’t want you to think I’m soft.”

   So the pair wrote their letters, (Y/n) on their left leg, Uma on her right. It was a daily thing the royal’s letter would appear while the sea witch was in class, she’d respond when she went home to sleep. (Y/n) would wake up to the words of the girl every morning, smile planted on their face. Everything was perfect, going smooth, the royal loved to hear the girl ramble about sea ponies, the sea witch would smile as she read about the new paints and shoes the royal bought. Then one day the sea witch was hit hard. At the end of the letter stood the worst thing she could imagine. “So I never asked who your parents were. Mine are royals, (Your favorite princess) to be exact.” How would they react, knowing that Uma was on the Isle? They would never meet, they couldn’t. Villain kids were stranded in that barrier, no way she’d ever know the royal’s face, how they laughed. So she didn’t respond. 

     “Uma? I understand why you never responded to my last letter, it was rude of me to ask,” the waterproof ink started to cover their arm, “I was there, at the cotillion, it’s crazy to think that I was just a few yards away from you. I’m not quite sure where you are, I know you won’t respond to me, I doubt there’s pens in the ocean. But I hope you’re safe, I’m sorry. I missed you, that’s weird to say I’m sure, the only time we met you probably didn’t know I was there, maybe you did. But you were the best part of waking up every morning, I worried about you staying up so late you know. I just, hope one day we can actually meet, restart.”

     The sea witch thought about those words for months, rising to the surface for the first time to meet her first mate and her, Gil, was exciting. But all she wanted was a pen. Hearing about the sleeping spell from the other VKs was the worst feeling she just wanted to know that her soulmate was okay. Lucky enough for her, Evie had one that she let her borrow. “(Y/n), I don’t know if you’re asleep or stone or if somehow you escaped the spell. But I’m in Auradon, and I hope that you’re okay, somehow.” 

    Waking up to see that Uma had written back was the most exciting thing the royal could imagine. She was here, she was in Auradon, and she worried about them. Hearing from Carlos that the sea witch had left was the earth shattering to the royal, but they understood, if they could stay home forever or never go back, they’d stay home too. The letters started back, an apology from the both, a tearful recognition that the two were destined to be in love yet destined to never meet. Then, Mal announced that she couldn’t be queen without the barrier coming down. (Y/n)’s stomach was doing summersaults, this was their chance, their real chance. Their lip was trapped between their lip as they stared over the bridge, watching their soulmate dance across it. As they bowed with the other Auradon  kids for the citizens of the Isle, their excitement was growing. She was here, really here. She made it to Auradon, just a few yards away again, and (Y/n) was going to see her this time. “Uma!” It was her first time hearing the voice of her soulmate as they ran towards her, body crashing into her own. “(Y/n),” it was breathy as she relaxed into their touch. They did it, they were never truly destined to be apart. 

[highdramas]

steady now | b.b.

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝'𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 | 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader

warnings: language, possible tfatws spoilers, mention of death? sort of? mention of the blip mostly, some angst, references to sexxxx babie

word count: 4.3k wowie

summary: bucky is not the only one with amends to make.

note: here’s another installment in the twalb story <3 again, you don’t have to read these in order, they stand independently, but they do all work together! PLEASE leave feedback/reblog! this is extremely helpful for me writing future parts to know what everyone likes or doesn’t like! i’m extremely proud of this part so i really hope that you all enjoy it as much as i’ve enjoyed writing it <3

enjoy! <3

there was once a time where you loved california.

there was once a time where you had a boyfriend with an easy smile and charming demeanor and a family in ventura. his name was felix, and you always told people that he could make anyone fall in love with him with nothing but that stupid smile of him-- of course, you never said how that upset you. you never said how it hurt when the waitress looked at him with dazzling eyes and how he seemed to relish in the attention.

you never voiced how he seemed to eventually bore of the attention that you gave him. you never voiced the way that you wished he would look at you with those dazzling eyes and give you that breezy laughter and that look that said i have you in the palm of my hand.

he did. he didn’t need to give you that look to know that.

sometimes, you wonder if he felt any sort of relief after the blip. you wonder if when you dusted right before him, if he felt like he won in some sick way. of course, you know that he would never admit that. he would never make that known to anyone. maybe even himself. but subconsciously… you wonder if you were simply an accessory that was worn out of convenience, and if your fading from reality was the biggest convenience at all.

it’s sick. you know it’s sick, and likely not true. but still. you wonder.

when you returned, the first thing that you did when you got your hands on a cell phone was call him. you called him and you cried and you said that you were okay, you were here. you asked him what the hell happened. you asked him if it had really been five years.

you heard a voice in the background. it was feminine, light, airy. the voice of a fairy. you’ll never forget hearing that voice. you learned later that she was his fiance.

you’ll never forget the sort of heartbreak that you felt. it was visceral. the knowing-- the knowing that it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anything that you did. it was merely the absence of you. you still wonder how long he mourned. you wonder how long it took. you saw him only a handful of times after you returned. he had cried, and you had stared, unsure what to say.

how do you apologize for fading from existence?

that was the first time you saw him. the second was worse.

the second, you were angry. you were angry and you lashed out. what was supposed to be an easy dinner turned into an explosion of tears and fury, the words this isn’t fair and what was i supposed to do? wait for you? and so desperately you had wanted to say yes. you wanted to say that you wished he had held out hope, that he stayed up and dreamt of you and that he was devoted.

it was a selfish thought. he had told you politely to not contact him again.

you had learned that he had moved back to ventura with his fairy girlfriend from some casual facebook stalking. they bought a house on the coast. they’re planning a wedding.. she is beautiful, and you noticed something from the pictures you see of them together right away. he looks at her not like he was charming her, but like she was charming him.

that’s what made you realize he was never yours to begin with.

now, you’re in california again. now, bucky sits beside you and he drives and you control the music. now, he looks at you like you have hung the stars in the sky and propped up the moon. and you look at him the same way.

bucky has amends to make, but so do you.

when he reaches over and places his hand on your thigh, you smile. you place your hand over his and you squeeze. you’d insisted that you two rent a convertible, and though he rolled his eyes, he obliged. you drive down the pch and it is april and the sun is warm and inviting but not abrasive. he wears sunglasses and he doesn’t wear the gloves. he wears a short sleeved shirt.

it’s enough to make you smile and lay your hand back against the seat and make you think: everything happened just the way it should.

bucky is here to extend his amends to the chaplin family. well… really, he’s here to set them up with the CIA. they’ve been hydra sympathizers for years.

you, on the other hand, are here to extend amends of your own.

bucky knows. bucky knows and he watched you recall the story with tears blurring your vision. you would hiccup and say, “i’m sorry. i’m not sad over him, not anymore. i’m just sad that i could be forgotten so easily.”

he had held your face in his hands and he swiped at your tears and he said, “you’re impossible to forget.”

at first, when you brought up coming with him, he had been hesitant. his endeavors with the amends and with sam, he tends to like keeping separate. you get it. you know he doesn’t want to put you anywhere near the danger that he encounters, even if that maddens you. but then, your face fell and you held out the wedding invitation that had arrived in your mailbox. “i want to go.”

bucky takes it and he studies it and he clenches his jaw. he looks at you through his lashes. “i’m going with you.”

now, the wedding is in three days. you wonder if he was surprise when you sent in your rsvp marked yes. you were surprised that he invited you at all.

once, you remember him saying to you, “sometimes, you have to extend olive branches. you’re too damn stubborn for your own good.”

this is your olive branch.

bucky squeezes your thigh and his thumb makes small circles and it instills a calm in you that you haven’t felt since you stepped foot on the plane. he glances over at you. “we don’t have to go.” this isn’t the first time that he’s said this. “we can stay in our hotel all week. i’m sure we can find something to do.”

your jaw drops and you look over at him and he has that smug look on his face. it’s been nice, watching him slip into ease with you. “you are such a pig.”

“i’m just saying, we have options.”

you laugh and you swat his hand away. he grins and he places it on the head rest, his fingers idly playing with a few strands of your hair that blow in the wind as he drives. you pull up to the hotel and you check in and bucky carries all of your bags, which you try to object, but he simply does not care. you fall back onto the mattress and he follows suit and he presses his lips to yours, presses them to your pulse point, your jaw. he whispers against your skin that you are beautiful. he whispers against your skin that you’re an angel.

angel. he always calls you that.

hours pass and you spend most of them beneath bucky, breathless. eventually it is the middle of the night and you have done nothing but fuck and you’ll be the first one to admit that they were hours well spent. he’s propped up on an elbow and he looks down at you, dewy and heavy lidded. “why’d you want to come out here? to the wedding?”

you can’t help but laugh. “that’s what you want to talk about right now?”

he blushes, moves to hide his face, but you beam and you place your hand on the side of his face. you push yourself up and sit criss cross, holding the sheet to your body, facing him. he follows suit.

the two of you do this back home. whether you’re sitting on the living room floor or in bed. it’s easier to talk in the dark, bucky once said. you’d never forgotten. so, this became a sort of unspoken ritual. you would sit with your knees brushing and you would talk and you would laugh and you never wanted this to change.

“i guess i don’t know why i wanted to come.” you reach for his hand and he offers it to you. you run your fingers along the golden grooves, and you swear that you see the hairs on his opposite arm begin to stand up. “i didn’t want to be seen as the bitter ex. i hate-- i hate being perceived. you know? like, i can’t control how anyone views me. i can’t control them thinking i’m crazy or irrational. but… they don’t know anything at all.” bucky’s eyes never leave you. “i wanted to come because i feel like i’m ready to face it. the truth of it. i don’t feel fearful of it all. i used to feel so… gross. gross about how i reacted and how i felt. i felt so selfish. but now…” you can’t help but smile a little bit and you touch the place on his chest where his heart lies in his ribcage. “i’m glad for it. all of it. it’s stupid, but… it brought me here.” you lean your palm into his chest just slightly more. he covers your hand with his and he pulls you in, your hand splayed out on him.

bucky is softening before you. so often you are the one who offers an ear and a comforting touch, but he is happy to repay the favor whenever you need it. “you’re too strong all the time.” his words are definitive, with no room for arguing. “you were hurting. you’re allowed to hurt. you didn’t have a choice in missing out on five years while the world went on without you.”

of course, you know he’s right, but it just feels good to hear it. it feels good to hear it from him. “and he was an asshole.” bucky’s jaw sets. “he had five years to mourn you and your relationship. he barely gave you a month. what sort of guy does that? to a girl he loved?” he shakes his head, as if shaking the thought from his person. “if that were me, i would’ve…”

you watch as he trails off. he looks down and away. you gently take his face and move it up, getting him to look at you again. he gives you this smile that is equal parts sorrow and loving, and you wish you could take away all his pain. “i’d mourn you for life. and i… if i got the chance to have you again? i’d--”

“bucky.” you cut him off smoothly and you shake your head. “that won’t happen.”

he smiles. “i know.” he pushes your hair back and his hand rests on the back of your neck. “i just can’t imagine someone having you and not--” he shakes his head. “he’s a fool.”

gently, your hands lay on his knees and you lean forward. “you asked why i wanted to come,” you whisper, your lips nearly touching his. “i wanted to come because i want to thank him.” you press your lips against his, and his hand goes to splay on your back, pulling you in nearer and nearer. “he recommended the apartment building.”

bucky grins and you connect in every possible place. you roll between the sheets once more and eventually, sleep overtakes you.

the days leading up to the wedding pass by in a relative blur. bucky goes to make his amends and though you offer to come, he shakes his head. “i’ll be quick,” is his promise, and he keeps good on it. he’s gone barely two hours.

you spend time on the beach and sight seeing. you don’t know if you’ve ever seen bucky this… relaxed. yes, he’s always slightly more alert than your average citizen, but you will never fault him for that. you go and get ice cream and you sit on a little bench and bucky stares at you. “what?” you asked and you raise your brows. “something on my face?”

“actually, yes.” he reaches out and swipes your bottom lip, coming back with some strawberry ice cream on his thumb. he pops it into his mouth and it makes your heart plummet to your stomach. “yum.”

you all but drag him back to your hotel.

finally, it is the day of the wedding.

bucky has been ready for hours. he likes unbearably handsome-- you’d gone with him to a shop in new york and had helped him pick out some new slacks and a nice fitting shirt. he had chuckled at the way that the pants hit his ankles and said, “it’s definitely not the forties anymore.”

you had picked out a sage green silk dress, and you smooth it out in the mirror, tilting your head to the side as you looked at yourself. bucky approaches you from behind and you’re so stuck in your own head that you hardly notice him until his hands are on you. they go to your shoulders, rubbing soothing circles into tense muscles with his thumbs. “you look beautiful, doll.” he leans forward and he presses a chaste kiss to your shoulder, which makes you smile, because it’s so him. “i wanna kiss you but i don’t want to mess up your makeup.”

“like that’s ever stopped you before.”

“i’m a gentleman.”

a smirk works its way onto your face and some of the nervous, fluttering monarchs in your stomach have begun to dissipate. you turn and he gently holds your face, examining it. he opens his mouth to say something, laughs, and closes it. “i don’t even know how…” he clears his throat. you swear that tears prick at his eyes. “i don’t even know how to say how much… how perfect you are. i’ll never be able to say it properly.”

everything about james buchanan barnes makes you melt, and this is no different. you sigh and you lean your body against his, and he holds you ever close. “thank you for coming with me,” you whisper into the skin of his neck. “i needed you here.”

he holds the back of your head carefully. “i’d follow you anywhere, doll.” he pulls back and his hand holds your face, and the vibranium is like a kiss to your cheek. “may i kiss you?”

your lips part and you nod-- and he takes his time kissing you. he kisses you long and tender, making sure that you feel everything. sometimes you think that this is easier than talking for him-- this is the way that he can show you how perfect he finds you. it’s better than any words he could string together.

the ride to the venue is somewhat of a blur. bucky doesn’t take his hand off of you-- it’s constantly holding yours. from the car to the walk inside to taking your seats-- you can feel the eyes that are glued to you, but you can feel bucky’s hand in yours more. you can hear the muffled whispers of gossiping friends and family, but you hear bucky’s murmured complaints louder, and they make you laugh.

felix is at the altar already. he’s talking with a groomsman and he laughs at something and you smile a bit. he looks happy, you think. bucky’s arm is slung across the back of your chair and his fingers trail up and down your shoulder, his eyes fixed on you.

you turn to look at him, too. you lay your hand on his knee and your smile says your thanks over and over and over again. bucky’s eyes flick to the altar, and he sees that you’ve finally been noticed. felix may be looking at you, but you will never know. you are looking at bucky.

the ceremony is pretty. bucky’s bored, you think-- that thought is enough to make you chuckle. felix’s fairy girlfriend is exactly what you gathered from the pictures-- she is energetic and kind, she is sweet and beautiful. the more you think, the more you watch the way that felix looks at her, the lighter you feel.

a part of you had feared that you would never get over him. that you would never get over the what if. possibilities tended to haunt you, but now, being here… you had known for a long time that not only had you gotten over him, you had found something so much better than what you had. but it’s the thought that thrums through you that you were not expecting.

you can see this for yourself. one day. bucky at an altar in a suit, you in white.

you smile to yourself in your seat. bucky looks over at you. you look over at him, just for a moment. your heart feels full.

felix begins his vows. “carly,” he begins and he clears his throat. you can tell that he’s already getting emotional. “never did i once expect to find you. never did i expect to find someone who fit with me so… completely.” you watch as his hands shake as he holds the piece of paper. “but i did. and i’m so lucky it was you.”

his vows go on, and they are beautiful. through it all, you can sense bucky beside you, entirely attentive to you.

the reception is on the beach. the sun is setting, and it is stunning. the food is good and every gives speeches and toasts and you’ve been placed at a table with some friends that both you and felix had known. of course, when shit hit the fan with you and felix, you hadn’t exactly kept in touch, but they’re kind nevertheless. some recognize bucky, and the questions they ask make you cringe. “so… winter soldier,” one of them, kya, begins. “you actually did all of that bad shit?”

it takes everything in you not to lunge across the table. bucky’s hand finds your leg underneath the table, already knowing what you’d like to do. you open your mouth to interject, but bucky cuts you off. “hydra did.” he gives a clipped smile. it leaves no room for discussion.

they ask about the avengers and about thanos, and all of it makes you roll your eyes. they talk to bucky as if he’s a toy rather than a human being. as everyone is mingling, you see the couple beginning to approach your table. everyone cheers and scoops them up into hugs. it makes a part of you sad. not because of him, but because it’s another reminder of how life went on without you.

you and bucky stand and approach them. you can almost feel bucky’s hesitation as he sizes up felix. the protectiveness in his stance makes your heart swell. carly smiles at you, but you can tell that there’s a hint of nervousness in her demeanor. “hi!” she says and she looks between you and bucky. “we were both so happy when we got your rsvp. a little surprised, but…”

your eyebrow raises and you look at them. “i wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” you place your hand on bucky’s arm. “felix, carly, this is my boyfriend, james. james, felix and carly.”

he shakes their hands and you note the way their eyes flick to the metal one on the other side. bucky and carly begin to make awkward small talk, and you look at felix. he looks at you. there’s something knowing in the stare. “want to take a walk?” he asks, nodding towards the beach.

you nod. felix turns to carly and you turn to bucky, who has a slightly concerned look written on his face. “it’ll be fine.” you lean in and you kiss him, wanting to take any insecurity from him. “play nice, but not too nice. if they say anything stupid, call them on it.”

bucky smirks. “you got it, doll.” he looks to felix and nods to him, and there’s something in bucky’s eyes that must scare him, because you swear felix pales slightly. and then you and felix set off.

for the first part of your walk, both of you are quiet. it’s as if both of you knew that this was inevitable, and now you’re just trying to figure out where to start. both of you begin to talk at the same time, and it causes awkward chuckles to fill the air between you. you stop by a log and you sit, staring out at the ocean. you cross your legs and you look over at him to find his gaze still on the ocean. finally, it moves to you. “i’m sorry.” you both say it at the same time.

a sad smile settles onto your face and you look away. “you first,” he says.”

“i’m sorry.” you look at him again. “i’m not sorry for the way that i felt. i’m not sorry for hurting. but i am sorry that i lashed out. i was… angry.” you suck in a breath. “people who stayed… they’ll always carry the grief and the trauma of those five years. but the people who came back? we came back to a world that had moved on. i can’t… i can’t explain to you how hard that was. it wasn’t just you. i lost everything.” you shake your head. “i took it all out on you. all that hurt. and i’m sorry for that.”

felix nods his head. “i’m sorry that i wasn’t more understanding of what you were going through. that i just… cut you off.” he swallows. “i had five years to come to terms with the fact that you weren’t coming back. even when you were back, it almost felt… fake. like i was looking at a ghost.” he swallows. “but i missed you. i want you to know that i missed you, and i thought about you.”

a small smile works onto your face. “thanks.” you look towards the crowd, where people are laughing and dancing. “she seems great.”

felix looks over his shoulder. “she is. she keeps me… in check. i can be kind of an asshole. i don’t know how either of you dealt with me.” this makes you laugh and roll your eyes. “you and bucky barnes, huh?”

“i have you to thank for that.” he looks at you in confusion. “the building you recommended me? we were neighbors.” you smile, thinking back on the memory of bucky barnes at your door, asking if you needed help building your cat tower. “he is the best thing that has happened to me,” you say it with no hint of hesitation.

felix smiles. “he looks like he’s crazy about you. he barely looks anywhere else.”

you bite down on your lip. “yeah, i’ve heard that before.” the wind ruffles your hair slightly, and you look at felix and he looks at you. “i’ve spent a lot of time being angry at you. i don’t want to be angry anymore.”

he shakes his head. “i don’t want to either.” he pauses. “maybe… maybe, one day, the four of us could… you know, get dinner or something.”

“yeah,” you nod your head. “one day.” you stand, and he follows suit, and you look up at him. “thank you. for inviting me.”

“thank you for coming.”

there’s a level of awkwardness that rests between you, and you think that perhaps it’s inevitable. but also, you can’t help the sense of relief.

part of you thinks that he’s itching to hug you, and you may be extending some forgiveness tonight, but you’re certainly not there yet. you begin to walk towards the party. “c’mon. you need to go to your bride.”

when you return, you think bucky might be ready to drive his steak knife through his eye. you approach him from behind, wrapping your arms around his shoulder and bending so that your face is beside his. “miss me?”

he snorts. “you have no idea, doll.”

you watch as felix makes his way to carly, and you meet his eye. he gives you a slight nod and a knowing smile, and you return it.

there’s a weight that’s lifted off of your chest.

“c’mon,” you say to bucky, tugging him up. “we’re going to dance.”

he groans and you laugh, pulling him by the hands to the dance floor. just as you are, you make me feel so young begins to play around you. as you step onto the dance floor, you begin singing the words quietly to him. your dancing slows to a light sway, and in your ear, bucky begins murmuring the words to you.

your eyes flutter shut and a sweeping calm comes over you. “you know… i never thought i would get married. did you?”

bucky’s hands have a firm place on your waist. “i grew up in the forties. of course i thought i was going to get married,” you two spin slightly. “but, after everything… i didn’t think that was ever going to be in the cards for me.”

your breath catches. “and now?”

“now?” bucky asks into your ear. “i can only dream i get lucky enough to have you as my bride.”

your cheeks grow warm. “mrs. barnes…” you lean back to look at him. “has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

the look on bucky’s face, you don’t know if you’ve ever seen that look before. “yes.” his voice is so firm it nearly brings you to your knees. “yes, it does.”

you two slow to a halt and bucky tilts your chin up. “guess i have some work to do,” his lips ghost over yours. “mrs. barnes.”

the world around you stops, and in that moment, it is only you and bucky. it is you and bucky at your ex’s wedding, and there is nowhere else you would want to be.

you’re beginning to understand why bucky likes making amends.