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kadextra · 11 months

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about current lore, so it’s time to ramble my thoughts/theories/analysis whatever you wanna call it >:D

(long post get ready)

Alright, let’s talk about q!Cellbit… there is a lot happening with him rn. It’s been so crazy keeping up with all the enigmas lately

(these next thoughts about the character will all be centered on the idea that this is indeed him doing the worker murders, and he’s not being framed.)

His emotional state is unrestrained, and returning to past ways of violent behavior from the days of war and prison. he’s not repressing his feelings anymore, no more holding back. I could go on about these emotions and what they mean for him, but instead I’m gonna talk about the strategic reason I think q!Cellbit would want to kill the workers to begin with. I strongly believe that even if he’s in madness, no way is he mindless. his intelligence is sharp like the point of a dagger, and aimed straight at the federation. this is a plot of revenge on the “little bear” after all. “his toys will keep falling until he pays for everything.”

This is a guy that’s always careful about not leaving traces in all the investigative work he does, but here q!Cellbit is choosing to leave the bodies around the main spawn area where everyone can see, complete with encrypted messages next to them meant for Cucurucho to read (intercepted by q!Bagi) that so obviously leads right back to him. an intentional move, he stated in one of the messages that it’s a show and he wants people to watch- wants Cucurucho to watch, and hopes for the hunt to continue. though I think by being so obvious, he ultimately intends to get caught. ofc it’s not turning out the way he wants because q!Bagi is getting there first, but he is still set on a self-destructive path that I can only see ending up with him going down in a fight… but only after damaging the federation to a degree they can hopefully not recover from. which we know is his goal, he said as much in his last conversation with q!Bad.

Back then, q!Cellbit talked about how he realized that since q!Bad kidnapped Ron, it caused the federation to get into a lot of problems, he saw how going after the workers could cause some big damage. in the federation’s reports it’s shown how they had to put vital resources that would’ve gone to finding the eggs & pacifying the chaotic islanders into their own internal affairs, because all the workers were freaking out over the kidnapping. it was bad enough to make them need to hire psychological professionals to give therapy, send out people to search for Ron, and assign guards to the A-ranks so they could move safely around the island.

All the employees were already in constant fear over the past several weeks that they’d be the next one to disappear… and now here comes q!Cellbit turning the fears into a living nightmare.

Fast forward to today with workers being targeted left and right. as for why it’s only B-ranks? maybe because the A-ranks are too hard to catch alone right now (Bad also had trouble) but B’s are still a high level and can cause some major chaos as seen by Ron. and they just keep on dropping.

q!Cellbit’s building on this snowball of terror that q!Bad set off, all to crash into the federation and send it into even more disarray. it’s working. which gets even more chaotic when you factor in how he’s not even the only one doing something like this right now. q!Etoiles is unintentionally adding to it by breaking into federation facilities on behalf of the resistance and mercilessly taking out more workers. plus how the federation doesn’t even know q!Quackity has A-rank Fred locked in a jail. (or maybe the higher-ups know. tbh I still don’t know how qQ did this and still think the situation is sus. I have the theory that the federation let it happen as fred’s punishment for getting close to an islander)

Agent 18 told q!Foolish that all the employees are scared out of their minds right now with the danger of kidnapping + getting assassinated by the killer. they are staying shut inside the office cubicles and are too afraid to go outside alone. Agent 18 literally stepped out for 5 minutes, heard a small noise and it was enough to send them running back to hide

it’s clear that the federation workforce is now in shambles, and honestly I wonder how many might be getting disillusioned with the federation’s ability to protect them…. because yeah they are very weak right now. which is why I believe the federation has been introducing all this new tech to cut the losses: Minimes to give the workers an army as protection (failed because it was stolen by the islanders) and Cucuruchito placed at spawn, one of the main islander meeting points, and where it just so happens the worker murders are

Cucurchito is intended to passively gather intel for the federation, which I think they’re in dire need of because I am seriously doubting in the federation’s ability to know anything about what’s happening in these current events. they are in a rough state, just as confused as we are about where the eggs disappeared to, the islanders are all going crazy. they don’t know what the dark matter is and also somehow lost the president in the nether, there’s an obvious egg who’s supposed to be dead running around which they aren’t doing anything about. they got distracted from Ron’s case, don’t know Fred is missing, who the culprits behind both that and who is doing the worker murders are. employee morale is below negative.

but everything is a-okay because they have this little creature now!!! he’s the perfect solution :3

okay that’s the end of my rambles :D

I love the lore and as always, hope for future events to be unexpected and surprise me!! it’s really nice to have theories confirmed, though I also enjoy getting proven wrong ^^ excited to see what happens next, it be chaos on these quesadilla island streets

#qsmp #qsmp theory #text post #long post #qsmp cellbit #qsmp cucurucho #qsmp cucuruchito #qsmp bagi #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp etoiles #qsmp foolish #qsmp ron #qsmp fred #qsmp agent 18 #oh yeah speaking of agent 18 #he’s a guard. when your security guard is terrified to go out you Know something is wrong #congrats mockingjays I think you’ve succeeded in striking psychological terror into the feds

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drdemonprince · 4 months

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how did you know that seeking institutional help was the right step to take?

For four years I was always in high levels of care. When I transitioned out of that, I was a "revolving door patient" to ip units living with a carer the rest of the time. I sometimes self-harmed or did other actions intentionally to get hospitalized during that time. I'm going to focus on mostly that because I don't want to get into the weeds of how different psych treatment programs are categorized and run.

I would say that my goal of being hospitalized usually was to change something in my outpatient life - let my therapist know I wasn't willing to do something, get my companions to let me go for walks alone, whatever. I'd get hospitalized or call the cops on myself or send scary texts to my therapist and then try to end my life, eventually being stopped. I didn't want to die, but if I could prove to them I was willing to, they'd listen.

Another person mentioned a desire for closeness+physical touch, and that was a huge part of it for me. i even got restrained sometimes just because I wanted any touch, which is something commonly heard from incarcerated people. I had certain nurses and other staff who I saw as my family, calling my therapist "dad" and interacting in a needy, childlike way with floor staff.

I also liked how much it pared down my life. I was in college at the time, and found the social habits of the other students confusing and overwhelming, so I'd get hospitalized to miss class.

what helped you trust the professionals or the institution enough for it to be beneficial to you?

i wouldn't say I trust any of the institutions, but some staff earned my trust. I was a scary mean noncompliant patient so the few who actually bothered to get to know me were usually moments away from some kind of burnout where they realized all this shit sucks.

One of the things they did that earned my trust was to share about their own mental health or addiction history. This is encouraged in sud places, but usually VERY discouraged in psych units, moreso the higher level of care it is.

Another big thing was to allow me to break rules or break them themselves. My ex-therapist used to meet with me for extra time, give me my DVD player when I wasn't allowed, etc. and it felt like he saw me as equal. Turns out he sucks. but. during the time he was treating me he definitely helped me a lot with my thinking patterns, so the trust still ended up benefiting me, even if the relationship didn't always. He also talked A LOT about his family and life outside of work, and showed me pictures, and I even met his dog once.

for me this is an example of why therapists are kind of. not great? because he earned my trust enough to help me, I was at his defense. I felt like not getting better was something I was "doing to him", and his displays of sadness (once something I'd considered a positive aspect of his self disclosure) became a way to manipulate me into the hospital when I didn't want to go, without having to resort to force or law. i agreed with the assertion of psychology that he knew me better than I know myself, and gave every part of my personality, personhood, to the medical model.

so yes it helped as in now when I'm suicidal or about to bpd-style destroy my every relationship I think "play the tape forward what happens next" and don't. which is lame bc it means most of the people who treated me get to leave patting themselves on the back about how well im doing now.

which kinds of institutions have been *less* traumatic than the others?

A few times I got to live in supportive group home style places, and those are kind of nice! It was cool to be in a place surrounded by other mentally ill people. Much less lonely. In general, places that let you outside independently, let you access food independently (e.g. no staff in the kitchen), and let you keep some secrets from staff are the best. My quality of life was 100% better when all the program heads knew we were vaping in our rooms but just let it happen unless someone started setting off alarms. Ditto with like, being able to stay up late on Devices.

Having that independence, a place for my sense of self other than being a patient, was sooo sooo helpful.

is it sometimes worth simply not being able to act on the ideation, even if it means putting up with lots of institutional bullshit?

I didn't find the hospital particularly good at getting me to not act, instead they just prevented the worst consequences. All three hundred stitches I got for self-harm were while I was institutionalized. But like, my nerve damage is less than it could've been. I am not sure how to evaluate if that's better than having just died, because I have no idea how much the institution itself caused self-harm and suicidality.

all things being equal, would it always be better to be able to stay at a friend's house instead?

yes

if you could get 24-7 company from a loved one, would that be better?

yes. however. i think it would be good if people had some information about how to talk to suicidal people. like... i forget the training. but its similar to what they teach helpline volunteers. thats its ok to say suicide. to ask if they have a plan. to ask if theyd be willing to get rid of the means. etc.

SORRY IF THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

this is a wealth of information, thank you!

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weirdmageddon · 1 year

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can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

#stoner posting

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chaifootsteps · 10 months

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Armchair psychology anon here! (I do not claim to be a professional psych by any means, I just happen to notice patterns in people and can't help but overanaylze)

I've noticed how much more parasocial Viv has become with her fans, and her blatantly not saying anything to stop fans from going overboard. (See how Goose and Tracy have been VERY active lately in saying to not be a dick to others. Viv is oddly quiet about her own fans behaving this way, and fans themselves have stepped in to try and calm the fandom down.)

The more parasocial the relationship is, the worse it gets. She's actively liking fan art that has a decent of amount of likes, but she's also liking fans who defend the show or are outright nasty to critics. The amount of likes on those specific tweets are low, but she's liking them to those fan's's surprise. That makes those fans and other fans double down on their behavior because they have a fantasy that Viv is now their friend or that she's even remotely interested in them as people and not words on a screen defending her. So more fans see Viv supporting shitty behavior, and they think they also have a chance at "being her friend" by acting like that.

She's obviously and intentionally creating her own attack dogs and doing nothing to stop their behavior. Her lovebombing of celebs and Broadway actors, and even people of a high status like Brandon, are all not just predatory in behavior, but she's also doing it to create another big shield for herself. She's not concerned with small people (or who she sees as small, like Ashley and Michael (even though they're getting bigger now)) and is going after big name people so they can comfort her when her insecurities hit their lowest point. (See Keith David's IG comment). I think Brandon's HB video was a genuine attempt at making her feel better when she wasn't feeling great. Even those old tweets with Salem and Ashley trying right make her feel better is a perfect example of what I'm trying to get across.

She pulls this very manipulative behavior to inflate her own ego, but also to have these people come to her defense. And when she decides she doesn't want them anymore, she goes after people of a higher status. She's trying to get up to Seth MacFarlane and Matt and Trey's level, I'm sure.

I have a feeling Brandon and others will quietly slip away at some point. If that wolf and sheep comic is anything to go by, she treats people so sweetly, making them think she's so great, then turns on them, leaving the victim confused and upset. I have a feeling Brandon and her have fought, as the thin line of his mouth and uncomfortableness at that con says a lot.

Body language says a lot. That video of him saying it was a "brilliant session" did not make it seem like he cared too much and that he may be keeping her satiated.

Sorry for the long winded post.

Never be sorry, Armchair Psychology Anon. Your posts are always fascinating.

Sobering, worrying, but fascinating. I wish I didn't agree with you.

#anonymous #armchair psychology anon #vivziepop critical #vivziepop #viv stuff #actual blog post

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huntunderironskies · 8 months

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A Call to Action

Hi all.

I wish I had better news to give. I thought long and hard about whether or not I should share this because I will be functionally doxxing myself when I do. But I've had several days to sleep on it and think about what to do. I've come to the conclusion that this is more important than me. This will be a long post but I urge you to read all of it. I'm afraid I have to be thorough here given the situation.

I think everyone who has been following me for more than a week knows how much I love religious studies as a field. It is my single greatest passion in life.

Unfortunately my school, UNC Greensboro, is trying to eliminate our department under claims of it being "not financially justifiable," among others (including anthropology and all Korean language classes.) These claims are highly spurious. Debunking this in full will take some time but I'll try to cover as much ground as I can in the relatively short space I am given and provide some sources. If anyone needs further elaboration, I'll report to the best of my abilities.

This is all to lead into the fact that I would like to provide some opportunities for people to help us out over here, which I will cover at the end. The shortest possible version is: please signal boost this. I do urge you to read it in full, though.

With the first introduction out of the way...

A Second But Very Brief Introduction to Religious Studies and a Justification of Its Presence in Academia (Given the Natural Bent of this Site is Sometimes Towards Antitheism)

Feel free to skip this if you have any familiarity with religious studies as a discipline, I'm putting it here because I find that it's often confounded with theology and every time I talk about it someone asks me if I'm going to be a priest (no.)

To be clear, religious studies is not theology. It does not purport the existence of any higher spiritual powers or presences. It is strictly the study of religion and spirituality as a force in human culture. This falls under both negative and positive effects, and covers everything from historical impact to individual psychology to macrosociological effects of religion to the simple understanding and study of mythology and folklore.

While internalized cultural norms are of course an issue that must be overcome by any scholar, for a religious studies scholar the Catholic Worker, the Sikh ragi, and the long-dead Sumerian ašipu should all have their beliefs and inner lives treated with the exact same sort of gravity and understanding, no matter how far their own beliefs might be from our own. It is, in my subjective opinion, the most humanizing of all the humanities because we are forced to operate on a deeply personal, vulnerable level.

I wish I didn't have to explain why these sorts of skills are important, especially given the current climate of intolerance that has been growing across the world and the growth of anti-intellectualism. I recognize that I might have to but I don't want to linger on that given everything else I have to cover in this post. Go ahead and ask as I do love talking about my field but I might take some time to answer.

A Brief Summary of Events Beforehand

My school has hired a firm known as rpk Group (lack of capitalization true to actual title) to restructure school funding financially with a focus on eliminating programs deemed to not earn enough for the school. Here is a brief explanation from the source itself. I apologize if the school website's CSS is still broken and it's difficult to read due to the social media icons being about thirty times the size they should be. Apparently they couldn't find the funding to pay a web designer instead of an expensive financing firm.

Those of you who have kept up with news in American academia may recognize this as the same group that forced cuts at West Virginia University. Please keep that in mind as we go forward.

Here are the high points:

Religious studies attained a passing grade under the rubric set out by the school. There have been active attempts to hide the scoring system from anyone but faculty. The spreadsheet in which the data was published has been password protected (source, which also contains several other refutations to the chancellor's talking points.)

For those who wish to keep score, anthropology did as well and our anthropology program is known for being quite good. This is without going into the other benefits the anthropology program provides the school with, which include such things as a community garden.

There were lower scoring programs that were kept. In other words, the decision-making process has been entirely inscrutable.

This is supported by the fact that the administration has been giving out incorrect numbers regarding program attendance to both news outlets and students, with some programs proposed to be cut having their student enrollment off by several factors.

Religious studies had over five times as many students as was originally reported. The Chinese language minor was reported to have zero students when there were thirty-six. To operate with this level of error from alleged professionals beggars belief and undermines any faith I would've had in this process.

The administration has claimed that they used the correct numbers in their rubrics. As they will not publish further data to myself nor the public, I have no evidence this is actually true.

They were going to cut Korean language as a minor. We don't have a Korean language minor. We do have a track of Korean language and I am given to understand as of this semester, culture courses. Which are operated solely by one professor and are consistently full or close to capacity due to popularity. There is no evidence they are losing the school money and I have several testimonials that the Korean culture-related programs have drawn students to UNCG as it is a unique niche the school gives not just over other UNC schools but over other colleges and universities.

Faculty and students were given information about what programs would be cut at precisely the same time, through an email sent schoolwide. Many students and faculty were in class at the time this was sent and had to proceed as if they weren't about to have their programs eliminated.

The administration alleges that current students will be able to finish their degrees. I have little faith this is the case for reasons that will take a while to get into but, to summarize as briefly as possible, completion of a degree here requires certain high-level classes that may be difficult to obtain with faculty cuts.

The chancellor alleges that Jewish Studies and Islamic Studies will not be affected by the elimination of religious studies, despite the fact that they are hosted under the department and Islamic Studies uses the same funding. As such, I believe that the highly technical and academic category used to refer to this sort of thing is "a blatant lie."

The administration has tried to quietly edit out any errors in original reporting. I am pleased to report that, as many of us intensely online people know, the Wayback Machine exists. Here is the original statistically incorrect press release that was given, which they have tried to bury.

While they have held forums, these have largely been ceremonial gestures rather than serious attempts at communication. At the one I went to, all non-administration speakers were given only two minutes to speak while the chancellor and dean were given as much time as possible to respond. Their responses to concerns were often dismissive and rarely addressed the necessary issues. I believe any person present will back me up on this, though I am not currently in possession of a voice recording.

I must operate within the evidence I am given. The best-faith interpretation of their actions is that the metrics they were using to determine what cuts should be made are incorrect and must be re-done before going through with any sort of program cuts, and that the administration's collaboration process with the group they employed is poor to nonexistent given the scattershot information provided. There is very, very clearly a communications breakdown somewhere along the line that raises this entire procedure into question.

I think it goes without saying it's all downhill from there. The level of arbitrariness with regards to cuts, lack of professionalism, and total lack of transparency would lead a reasonable person to believe there are heavy political motivations involved here and not simple brute facts. You are welcome to draw your own conclusions anywhere along this spectrum, of course. I encourage you to be skeptical.

Lastly, if I can't convince you that it's worth stopping this process to save religious studies, think about the anthropology department. Think about the languages that are getting cut. Think about physics or mathematics. A large-scale public university without a physics program is quite frankly unreal and the fact it's primarily humanities being targeted runs parallel with some sinister trends within American education. This process should, at the very least, be halted for time being.

What You (the Reader) Can Do

Firstly, be aware that we have until February 1st before decisions are finalized. I apologize for the short time limit. Myself and other members of the community were taken completely by surprise as well, and once again as I mentioned above it has caused some level of cynicism around the motivations of the administration.

With that out of the way...make noise about this. The school administration is making all efforts to keep this quiet. I can say the good news is that according to other people on the ground, they are beginning to lose control of their narrative that they are making difficult financial decisions to keep the school financially solvent.

Believe it or not, the farther removed you are, the better. If this hits a national scale then the school may be finally forced to acknowledge they are rapidly causing the otherwise prestigious UNC system, typically considered to be one of the best public university systems in the US, to be a national laughingstock and that they will lose money as their reputation declines in a way that they would not have if they'd simply carried out this process in a more reasonable way.

You can sign our petitions here and here. Easy enough, takes about three minutes, self-explanatory.

Finally, reach out to an academic or any passionate learner in a specialized field today. A lot of us feel understandably threatened and demoralized. Again, this is not just about me or even about my school. This is about trends within the American education system. Explaining the hows and whys in full detail is not within the scope of this post, but I think a reasonable person can conclude after looking at the current evidence that there is a dismantling of American schools in favor of a corporatized existence. For those of us who love knowledge and learning, this is incredibly sinister. Knowledge should not have a price tag put on it.

A Final Word

I and several other people have Chancellor Gilliam on record saying that he has dedicated his life to working at the collegiate level and towards students. While he and the administration have tried to ensure that their statements outside of highly controlled environments are not easily accessible, I should be able to provide a clip if needed given that this statement was livestreamed and North Carolina is a one-party-consent state in regards to recordings.

They have consistently characterized this process as having to make hard decisions to keep the university afloat. The chancellor is currently the highest-paid employee within UNCG itself and the fourth highest-paid member of administration within the UNC system as a whole (source.) Please be aware this does not include other benefits, which in 2022 put his salary above $500,000 (source.) As others have, I must ask why these "difficult decisions" within the school have not included a salary cut for himself if he is so dedicated to improving the lives of students.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you've gotten this far, you've already listened more than anyone outside of the academic departments have and that means a lot to me in and of itself.

#religious studies #mythology #college #studyblr #college life #university #north carolina #theology #religion #unc #tagging in as much stuff as i can think of lol #anything is worth a shot at this point #academia

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rainmustfallts4 · 17 days

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Westfall Orphanage Challenge (the sims 4)

◇ Introduction

Another challenge I wrote over a year ago. This has been found and edited before being posted to this blog. There are two different ways to play, so feel free to play whichever way suits you best or, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can try both paths!

This challenge is all about Westfall Orphanage (or whatever you would like to name your own.) You either take on the role of caretaker or orphan, tackling a list of goals that will move you toward a better and brighter future.

────── 〔🌧〕──────

◇ Choose Your Path

Path 1

You are a child sim growing up in the orphanage with six other kids. You never knew your parents and you’ve been here since the day you were born. You’ve seen kids come and go. You’ve seen the orphanage change owners many times, most of whom never cared about the children. You no longer care about being adopted. No, you’re determined to make your own path in life and support yourself!

Earn and maintain an A in both elementary and high school.

As a child, become a scout and earn every badge. Complete your aspiration.

As a teen, reach the top of a part-time career and after school activity. Graduate early.

Keep track of the money you make from your job and complete the voidcritter collection with your own money.

Max one social skill (charisma, comedy, mischief, etc.)

Max one hobby skill (painting, guitar, writing, etc.)

Reach level 5 in two life skills (cooking, baking, knitting, etc.)

Get two character values within range (either positive or negative.)

You may only leave the lot on Saturdays and Sundays. Curfew is 9:00 PM.

Sneak out at least once as a teenager.

As soon as you become a young adult, move out of the orphanage with the money you earned.

Apply for and get accepted into university.

If you want to play option 2 with this sim, graduate university with an economics or psychology degree then move back in as caretaker of the orphanage.

Path 2

You’re a young adult that has inherited an orphanage from your late grandparent. Before they died, you promised you would take over for them and do your best to raise the children living there, providing a good life for them until they either get adopted or grow up. Though you aren’t entirely excited about this life change, you’re determined to keep your promise.

Max cooking skill.

Max baking skill.

Max parenting skill.

Max handiness skill.

Must have a work from home job.

You may only leave the lot on Saturdays and Sundays.

Have a good relationship (middle bar or higher) with all kids.

Scold children when they misbehave.

Praise children when they behave.

Always bake a cake for the kids on their birthday.

Take the kids to at least one festival.

Do not accept any invites to dates, parties, hangouts, etc.

Influence them to do their homework, take care of themselves and do chores.

Keep the orphanage clean and repair all broken objects.

Cook meals for them every day (the kitchen should be locked for everyone but you, keep them fed!)

You must have each child reach young adult and move out. It’s your choice if you want to add more children in or end the challenge.

────── 〔🌧〕──────

◇ Choose Your Difficulty

Casual: 2 children, 5 teen, $20,000 starting funds, aging off.

Medium: 1 toddler, 2 children, 4 teens, $15,000 starting funds, long lifespan.

Hard: 1 infant, 2 toddlers, 3 children, 1 teen, $10,000 starting funds, normal lifespan.

Extreme: 3 infants, 4 toddlers, $5,000 starting funds, short lifespan.

Custom: choose your own combination.

Fate: roll the dice and let fate decide.

────── 〔🌧〕──────

◇ Additional Guidelines

Control only your own sim. You can check the other sim’s needs and inventory, but you can not order them to do anything.

You can build your own orphanage or find one on the gallery. You don’t have to use your starting funds toward this.

You can not hire a butler or a maid, but you can hire a gardener.

The sim you control can have whatever traits you like. The others must be randomized three times.

────── 〔🌧〕──────

◇ So you like points, huh?

Casual; +1000

Medium; +2000

Hard; +3000

Extreme; +5000

Custom; +500

Fate; +1000

Each skill over 5; +1000

Each skill at 10; +2000

Earning a degree (option 1); +2000

Completing the challenge (option 1); +1500

Completing the challenge (option 2); +2000

Each time the power is shut off; -500

Each time a child is taken; -500

Each time an item is repo’d; -500

Each time an item is repaired; +500

Every A in school; +500 each (1000 for both middle and high school)

Every B in school; +300 each (600 for both middle and high school)

Every D in school; -100 each (-200 for both middle and high school)

Every F in school; -200 each (-400 for both middle and high school)

Every character trait earned; +250

Every enemy made; +100

Every friendship made; +150

Having more than 15,000 at the end; +1000

Having less than 15,000 at the end; +500

+5000 for playing the challenge, I hope you had fun! c:

Share your stories and results with the hashtag #westfallorphanage!

#challenges i made #challenges to do #westfallorphanage #the sims 4 challenge #sims 4 challenge #the sims 4 #ts4 #sims 4 #simblr #the sims community #sims 4 community #the sims 4 simblr #sims 4 gameplay

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babyspacebatclone · 10 months

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Responding to the following note from @papyrus126 on this post:

The original post about Anxiety referred specifically to remaining in a “freeze” state, an unconscious and automatic response to perceived threats in order to protect the individual:

Fight: facing any perceived threat aggressively.

Flight: running away from danger.

Freeze: unable to move or act against a threat.

Fawn: immediately acting to try to please to avoid any conflict.

Again, when one feels threatened, the body rapidly responds to imminent danger. The underlying goal of springing into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, is to decrease, end, or evade the danger to return to a state of calm and control. (taken from the article from “Simply Psychology” below)

In the chart’s context, it describes how the stress from being constantly anxious (or suffering from a related condition, such as PTSD, or having a disorder with high comorbidity for anxiety, such as ADHD) means that the individual feels like everything has to be perceived as a potential threat, and the only reliable coping strategy left for this omnipresent sense of danger is complete submission.

However, what you are describing with feeling “empty” can best be considered a symptom of Anhedonia:

Anhedonia is the loss or a decrease in the ability to feel pleasure from things we once enjoyed. And it's a common symptom of mental health disorders like depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Since the onset of the pandemic, there has been a rise in these disorders, so it's likely that anhedonia is affecting more people—and to a higher degree. (taken from article from “Real Simple” linked below)

You most likely have a combination of both, because as said Anhedonia is common in the same type of disorders the chart directly relates to.

A way of contextualizing it is the term “learned helplessness” - there’s nothing you do that makes anything feel better, so there’s no reason to try, leaving you just numb.

It’s important to recognize that learned helplessness and Anhedonia have a physical component: your physical brain stops either producing or responding to important chemicals.

The brain regions use a chemical called dopamine to communicate with each other. Dopamine is used to decide what's rewarding and how you want to attain it. It's also used to decide whether something is threatening. Felger explains that these reward circuit regions may not interact as well with each other in people with anhedonia. And therefore, this weakened communication between regions suggests unbalanced levels of dopamine, says Tiffany Ho, Ph.D. (taken from article from “Real Simple” linked below)

It’s not just a case of “trying harder,” your brain has to repair itself to get out of a cycle of learned helpless, constant anxiety, or Anhedonia.

The first step, therefore, is giving your body a chance to repair, primarily with better sleep because poor sleep is so highly correlated with all the related conditions.

Now, as someone with a divergent circadian cycle (my awake cycle is approximately noon until 4am), I’m going to emphasize: You need to find a sleep routine that is healthy for you.

If this means you need to be up at a set time, due to school or work or other obligations, than this may require a very strict pre-sleep routine in order to meet these obligations.

But please, please, see this as “I need to work on my sleep schedule so I can be healthy.” And not “I need to conform to society’s expectations of my sleep.”

Because those are two very, very different things.

The second is to use cognitive behavioral psychology to train your thinking away from “helplessness” or despaired thinking.

The first step here is to replace negative self talk with neutral self talk.

That’s right, we’re not going to go straight to the “positive happy happy stuff.”

You want to focus on objective observations about yourself, the situations you find yourself in, and your reactions. It is a move away from catastrophic, all-or- nothing thinking:

Instead of “I don’t even enjoy anything, I’m not even human” it’s “My brain is not working properly; it’s not giving me the rewarding responses it should.”

As you train your thinking away from feelings of helplessness, take note of things that are currently ok or even good. We tend to remember negative experiences more than positive experiences, which makes sense from a survival perspective.

But journaling - even mentally - about good things as they happen helps to reinforce that everything isn’t bad.

That there are things to be grateful for, even if you feel numb and overwhelmed.

Then, as you have a catalog of things that do bring positives to your life, you can use them to further counteract the feelings of numbness:

“That short walk made me feel good today. I probably won’t have time to do it again this week, but it’s nice to remember how it felt to hear the birds in the sun.”

Finally, give yourself something to be successful at. Puzzle games are great for this in my experience.

If you have a hobby you used to enjoy but don’t find pleasure in, work on improving a skill within that hobby.

Look at it as an investment for the future: “If I can master this stitch pattern, when I feel motivated it will be so much fun to knit a scarf using it later.”

Take note of the things you do that do move you out of a numb, overwhelmed feeling.

Reward yourself without guilt.

“I don’t want to read right now, but having this book by my favorite author feels nice. I’m going to buy it now, without any expectation to read it, but just so it’s right at hand for when I do have the spoons that I can read it!”

This already got long, but I hope some of it is helpful. I tried to find stuff that goes beyond the usual “practice coping strategies!” which of course is helpful but been told to death.

Linked articles for further reading below the cut.

#positive psychology #learned helplessness #anhedonia #actually anxious #actually traumatized #actually autistic #actually adhd #actually depressed #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #actually obsessive #actually neurodivergent

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sizhui · 1 year

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I really think that the stigma around BPD, or rather the behaviors we categorized as such, is a direct result of the direction in which our society evolved under "practical" capitalism. Society has grown to insist on self-reliance as a neccessary quality for a well-formed person (even a child, to a degree). We are encouraged to learn to manage ourselves and clean up our own messes - even therapists are ultimately here for that goal, keeping us reliant on themselves only so much that we keep paying them continuously. But ultimately, a mentally "healthy" individual is one that can compartmentalize, box and shelve their trauma, issues and episodes. Much like how a physically healthy person is usually considered one that can run around and work a productive job and not one who isn't experiencing pain and discomfort while doing so. To become a 'well rounded person' you need to be able to lick your own wounds and hold your own hand.

That's not how humans ought to live. Leftists seeking a change are pushing the good principle that those who are more bodily and intellectually able should provide material safety for those who cannot provide for themselves, no? Then those more equipped to provide emotional guidance, reassurance and support should provide it for those who will never be emotionally self-sustainable (often due to a history of neglect and being handled roughly when expressing any need in early life). We are creatures that couple, and then form larger communities. These aren't only for the sake of material safety, but emotional well-being too. But the level of individualism our society reached has become such that not even a romantic relationship is a safe space to be 'needy' anymore.

With the rise of tiktok twitter tumblr faux psychology, the "crazy possessive girlfriend" caricature parroted for years evolved into "the bpd girlfriend". The bpd girlfriend is portrayed as immature and toxic. She should be dumped, she should go to fucking therapy and become normal. The wider community only continues to ostracize individuals who require above averagr attention and support, calling them attention seekers and attention whores. The inability to manage your emotions and attachments is pathologized to the point where more and more innocuous needs are becoming shameful. In ten years, who else will be considered disordered? Even those who want their partner to have a degree of devotion to them higher than towards others around them? We're already seeing takes about how it's so very 'toxic monogamy' to believe you deserve any degree of exclusivw devotion at all. If you're unprepared to care for a person with high emotional needs, you're uprepared for a relationship, period. Stop pathologizing attention-seeking and affection-seeking behavior to degree that you do - it's more often than not rooted in the parents' and ex partners' inability to fulfill even base needs at an earlier time in life. And so what if a person is 'just like that?' So what if a person is fearful and desperate to keep their loved ones close and availible to care for them? If that invites disdain in you rather than sympathy and a wish to uncover the root of their needs - congratulations, you've been poisoned by practical individualism. I fully believe that if we were a society that cares for its weak rather than leaving them in the cold to die as cubs, and banishing them to wander the wilderness should they survive to adulthood... we would not have such a disorder as BPD in the DSM, or at least we would have a vastly different understanding of it and vastly different end goals of treatment. The same stands for many other personality disorders, if not other disorder groups, too.

#itd be kinda nice if this got reblogged and i got called toxic or something

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ms-hells-bells · 1 year

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idk why the dog discourse is back again, but as someone that both lives in a country with high levels of pitbull/staffie ownership and interacts daily with dog owners and dog issues in my volunteer work, they aren't just randomly violent for no reason with good guardians who are shocked that it happened. the way people treat pitties here is fucking horrible, because they have the rep/stereotype of guard dogs or attack dogs, people who are lower class, close to or in gangs, use drugs, or are just hypermasculine get those male dogs, DON'T DESEX THEM (so, more aggression), don't properly train them, but scream at and beat them, because they think that's what will 'toughen' a pittie up and make them attack dogs. 99% of the time it does not, they just become miserable recluses, super withdrawn and fearful (most dog attacks are NOT out of anger or territory based aggression, they're fear aggression, when the dog feels extremely scared, and doesn't see a way out, and the human (often a child) ignores the warnings, like growling, showing teeth, certain poses, etc. another one is food/possession aggression, where their trauma and lack of proper training means that they cannot cope with people in their space and taking their things. you'll see bites at children who grab food from their dog bowls).

but they still love their owners, i have lost count of the amount of times, literally more than the fingers on my hands, i have seen men scream at, kick, punch, etc. their intact male pitbulls (not legal in nz unless a licenced breeder btw, but still a widespread issue), and the dogs still get excited and wag their tails, and want to play whenever the man comes back from work or whatever, they still seek touch and affection. it's just horrible, i have aided in someone else....disappearing a dog to a better life not exactly legally, that was treated like this because the spca wouldn't do shit, unless there's a dead or gravely injured animal, and people physically saw the owner/s do it, they don't care. those dogs have so often been abused from 10 weeks old, and they still seek love. very rarely some are so mentally damaged that they DO attack someone, and unfortunately they get put down, which i have complicated feelings about, but that's a different topic, i won't get into it in this post.

but yeah, you abuse a dog, don't train a dog, and destroy a dog's sense of safety, of course they are gonna be at a higher risk of aggression, because they have ptsd, they are traumatised and in constant fear of harm. and i do believe that there is a biological element due to the bite force of pitties and similar dogs, as well as breeding for specific personality traits. but we also see so many bites (far more than pitties and other large dogs) from small dogs, they just can't cause deaths or usually severe injuries because they are small, but they are attacking for the exact same reasons; fear and lack of training. so many people just have zero respect for other living beings. it's why i'm against breeding and domestication as a whole, because we just completely fuck with their lives for our own benefit. pitbulls as a species should not exist, just like near every other dog on earth apart from wild ones (that do include domestic species, but very quickly become just 'mixed' dogs). which is a similar opinion to many ANTI-pitbull people, but i come at it from an angle of empathy (as well as applying it to all dogs, we should not be breeding 'the perfect pet'). they didn't ask to be here and be treated so cruelly.

i'm not gonna reply to any responses to this trying to argue. i have posted about this before and had all those arguments. i know the statistics, i know the biology, psychology, and i have real world first hand experience. you are not fighting with me on my opinion on this.

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update-blog-bp9 · 3 months

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The reason no updates are happening...

So I know That I didn't update anything in almost a month now, if my memory serves right, here I have the explanation as to WHY. Recently my life has become really hectic yet again. It is a new month and my Family and I still didn't get money, so at the moment we are practically starving a bit. We barely managed to get some bread and water to live. This is already the THIRD month this is happening where we get money in the MIDDLE of the month and we almost con't manage to live.

On top of that you can imagine what debts will pile up on you, if you can't pay your bills and taxes. So have fun with all of that.

And we are still trying to move away. So we are quite literally fucked right now. My stress level is high, my anxiety and rage even higher and my motivation to do anything is at the bottom of the ocean. Life is literally hell right now.

Those are only a few issues we have, but if you hear that shit already, I think you all can imagine what a hellhole my Family and I are living in right now.

So yeah, rl life is hard right now andI need to work on this stuff first before I can update again. I might privately try to write fanfiction, but it's never much. Maybe one or two sentences, which annoys me I used to be able to write for HOURS, but I am fucked mentally, psychologically and emotionally right now.

I hope you all understand... I am NOT quitting, I don't WANT to quit...but I might be gone for a while...

#update #Important #Short info #Author is in depression #Why I don't update much atm

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deepdarkdelights · 5 months

Note

what do you think of going to a local community college and then transfering to a 4 year? i’m deciding on doing that and studying psychology too, i want to be a therapist! do you have any advice/tips for school in general?

Hello my dear! I'm sorry I am seeing this so late, hopefully you still have time to make your decision!

So, I think local community college is a great choice (although it was not something that I did) community college is typically much more affordable and you will be saving yourself some debt in the long term by completing your pre-requisite courses.

The structure of a community college is very different from university from what I have heard. Community college is a little more similar to high school structuring whereas in university it is mainly lecture based and you do a lot of the learning on your own time. So the adjustment from one to the other is definitely something to prepare for! Taking those courses at a community college could also shorten your time at the 4 year college as you would have already taken the basic courses (definitely provide transcripts as well as syllabi from previous courses so you can prove you have covered relevant material!)

Also, I love seeing people enter into psychology programs! Welcome! What I will warn you about, because no one warned me, if you plan on pursing a bachelors in psychology, you are most likely going to attend grad school as well. In order to become a therapist you will need a masters degree - you can become an LMSW (licensed master social worker) and then counsel clients however, in order to clinically diagnose you will then need to get clinical hours and take the exam to become a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker). For reference I am currently in a masters program to obtain my MSW and then take the licensing exam.

There are other options as well, for example you can enter a masters program to get your masters in MHC (mental health counseling) and then become a licensed mental health counselor. I will say that as an MHC you will have a harder time billing through insurance as they are still just recognizing the profession. There is also a lack of clarity in their ability to diagnose - it appears to be dependent on the state but they predominately could not clinically diagnose clients.

As for tips - a lot of your early psych classes (101 and 102) will rely heavily on memorization - these courses tend to cover the prominent and relevant theories and figures in psychology as well as anatomy and functions of the brain and how it affects the rest of the body. In my experience, we did not spend a lot of time on disorders until the end of the semester and when I entered higher level courses. So be prepared to memorize! And definitely make friends with fellow psych majors, other majors can often take psych courses to fill their own degree requirements but trust me you will want to make friends with your fellow program members because you will be spending a lot of time with them as well as many classes with them!

If you have any more questions, please feel free to reach out to me!

#asks

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hypercortical · 1 month

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✨ Help me understand my sexual orientation please ✨

Ok, so here is what we are going to do. I am going to describe —in great depth— my experienced patterns of sexual arousal and sexual attraction. You all are free to reply or reblog with any kind of discourse you want, but ideally discussion of what kind of sexuality this sounds like.

This is a NSFW post. Minors DNI

There are a few ways to try and determine someone's sexuality. You could

Apply a psychological theory

Compare with your own experience, or your experience of other people who match each identity group

What I am most interested in is the 2nd approach. I have time and time again had psychological theories like "erotic target location inversion theory" proposed to explain my experience, and then categorize me. But I feel the theory does not apply well to me, and I also feel the broad application of the theory relies on far too many unfounded assumptions.

What I prefer is a more phenomenologically grounded discourse.

Key Terms

Discussion of sexuality is often bogged down by imprecise language that conflates or confuses. So allow me to be very clear

Sexual Arousal: an umbrella term for all forms of autonomic nervous system arousal (increased activity) corresponding to sexual behavior. Notable subtypes include "Genital Arousal", and what I will call "sexual excitement"

Genital Arousal: increased blood flow to genitals resulting in erection of a penis, or engorgement of vaginal walls. Corresponds to parasympathetic nervous system activity. (Vaginal wetness is also a kind of genital arousal, but I'm not sure if it applies to me as a penis haver. Altho there are certain homologous fluids)

Sexual Excitement: increased sympathetic nervous system activity (fight-or-flight) during or in anticipation of sexual activity. This includes symptoms such as

Increased heart rate

Increased blood pressure

Increased body warmth

Flush of the face or full body

Increased respiration

A sense of excitment

A positive mood

Furthermore we can bifurcate "sexual excitement" into "physiological sexual excitement" and "mental sexual excitement" reflecting the last two symptoms.

Sexual attraction: A primal urge to engage in sexual contact/approach with/towards another person (or thing).

Solitary Sexual-Desire: either the state of how badly you would like to masturbate, or the trait of your broad tendency to wanna masturbate

Sexology Facts to Consider

In straight and gay cisgender men, erectile response to viewing erotic images or videos is highly correlated with their self-reported sexual arousal (high concordance). This may also apply to bi/pan men, but I do not know

In straight cis women, there is low correlation between measures of vaginal vasocongestion and self-reported sexual arousal (low concordance). There is higher concordance when wetness is measured, but tools and techniques for measuring this are new and have not yet been used widely.

In terms of both genital arousal, and self-report, men typically show clear arousal only to erotic stimuli depicting the category of person they claim to be attracted to. (High Target-Specificity) (So for example, gay men clearly show far greater arousal to gay porn than lesbian porn)

In straight women, instead there is a tendency to show similar levels of genital arousal and self-reported arousal in response to erotic stimuli depicting many categories. Gay porn, lesbian porn, straight porn, solo of any gender, even monkeys getting it on in one study. (Low Target-Specificity)

In women, the gayer they get, the greater the groups average target specificity becomes.

Target-Specificity also manifests in gaze, as measured in eye-tracking studies. Straight and gay men clearly gaze most at their preferred sex. Lesbians also clearly gaze most at the female. However, straight women gaze equally at the man and the women. And women who identify as "predominantly heterosexual" (that is, a 1 on the Kinsey scale. Slightly bi) gaze more at the woman despite preferring men.

Basic Background

I am a 24 year old trans woman. I was born male, realized I was trans at 14, and began my medical transition at 18.

I am a virgin (difficult, I know). At most I have kissed 1 time pre-pubertally with a girl, and I have cuddled several times post-pubertally with both guys and girls.

For most of my childhood, I assumed I was straight (attracted to girls), altho I was frequently neurotic within my own head about convincing myself that I wasn't gay (like if I had a thought that upon reflection seemed kinda gay, I would pretend I never think it). I first seriously considered that I might be attracted to guys at 14-15, after which I vacillated on the issue until I was 19, and very certain I was into guys.

My starting point

If forced to choose, I personally would describe myself as "kinda-sorta bisexual in a girl way, with pathogenic demisexuality". I am assuming that sexual orientation is a bit more complicated than a linear scale like the Kinsey scale, and as I describe my feelings I think it will become clear why I don't think something like "oh I'm a 1 on the Kinsey scale" fully describes the situation

(don't worry too much about the demisexual bit. I think I have that figured out)

So let's get descriptive

Genital Response Patterns and Porn

There's no reason to beat around the bush. At least in men, genital tumescence is considered the most reliable indicator of sexual attraction and arousal, so let's talk about it.

Since at least 13, I have regularly had erectile response when viewing either porn or otherwise erotic scenes in TV/Film. I can't say as surely for non-porn, but certainly for porn, which I first saw accidentally at 13, and then went on to view intentionally by 14. And actually "porn" may invoke the wrong idea. What I would see/watch was typically erotic images or gifs containing nudity, but not intercourse. And at first all of these had women as the subject.

I actually had a slow descent into what can properly be called "porn". At first I was into sexy-women-content, but I didn't like to see women completely topless because I thought boobs looked weird with nipples on them. Then once I got used to that, I still thought vulvas looked weird and kinda gross, and I thought actual intercourse looked really gross. However I switched to only searching for "hentai" and "ecchi" and I felt like that wasn't gross.

So by 14, I really hadn't gotten into watching straightforward "porn" yet. But notably, everything I was consuming was focused on women's bodies.

I can also remember around the age of 13, beginning to have erectile response to my own thoughts. For instance, I recall the first time I attempted to masturbate (it didn't work), it was after I got an erection in response to briefly visualizing my classmate (female) in a half-naked state while I was "day dreaming" in bed at night.

All of this would certainly seem to suggest gynesexuality. And as I'll get into later, it was entirely aligned with what I thought about myself throughout pre-adolescence, despite not having any sort of sexual feelings or sexual physiological responses.

Even beyond that, I thought I was especially attracted to women. For a few reasons, but the topical one is because after I began to masturbate, I'd have the urge nightly, and because it was hard to sleep with an erection and because I didn't see anything wrong with it, I would indulge it nightly.

Despite this, I feel the picture was different IRL. All throughout my adolescence I was afraid that physical affection with/from girls would give me an erection. Which would be bad. I can trace the idea back to a video we watched in 5th grade sex-ed where it was implied that a boy got an erection while he was dancing close with a girl. And it was very embarrassing for him.

But nothing remotely similar to this has ever happened to me. I have kissed, hugged, and cuddled with girls who I —in the past— interpreted myself as being attracted to. Never an issue. There is one particular experience that stands out to me. I was 14 in 9th grade. Gym class was beginning, and there was this girl who, I guess decided to tease me or something? She walked up very uncomfortable close to me, and she did what I will just call a clearly age inappropriate dance. Not a particular dance move, just a series of spontaneous movements with clear intention. And this was a girl who, to say without getting descriptive, was the target of a lot of inappropriate comments due to her preciousness.

Still I felt nothing. Not a twitch.

When it comes to IRL experiences, I have only ever been made erect by guys. Particularly through touch that was intended to be platonic, but clearly felt different to me. But I didn't experience anything like that until I was 19. Before that I guess there were some times where I was touched by a guy friend, but for the most part not really because I was touched averse in general. Like it's one thing to touch incidentally, but for a friend to like affectionately touch me, it would always make me nervous. Until I was 19 and I decided I would stop telling people not to touch me, and my friends were more than happy to start touching me.

It's not even like a high bar. I've become erect from very slight affectionate touches from attractive guy friends. Cuddling, needless to say. But the same with girl friends? No, nothing. (19 is when I started to question everything, obviously)

But going back in time for a second, there was a period where I seriously considered that I might be into guys, and just in denial about it. Because my friends would always insist I just must be gay. (For a few reasons, which we can come back to)

I was probably 15 when I decided to just try watching gay porn to see how I felt. And it was such a nothing-burger. At least at first. I tried live-action gay porn. I can still almost visualize it. The anal sex. They were very sweaty. the lighting wasn't very good. I don't remember thinking they looked very handsome. In hindsight, the examples I found were probably not the best to test myself on. But viewing it, I thought it was mildly gross. I could maintain an erection while watching it, but it ultimately felt like masturbating to a video of paint drying.

So right off the bat, I thought, ok we figured it out. Definitely not into guys.

However, this did sort of open up my mind a bit. See in the past, I was a little bit neurotic about how I would watch porn. If I was watching a video where the guy or his penis was shown very prominently, I would feel weird if I looked at it/him, and so I'd intentionally avert my gaze, and this was basically happening all of the time. Always averting my gaze. Always being careful when scanning search results so I don't look at the wrong thing.

But after this experience that neuroses sort of slipped away. And that led me to sort of take just a small occasional interest in men. Especially yaoi/Bara men. I guess I just found myself occasionally searching for male-male hentai for whatever reason, and I admitted to myself, ok actually I do like some of this stuff. But I was also really particular. Like the guy couldn't be bony. He also couldn't be hairy. He had to look masculine, but not in a gross way. And I think this image here is a good non-explicit example of the kinda stuff I looked for

Specifically the guy on the right. Basically I felt like I wanted something halfway between prototypical yaoi and prototypical bara

And then, I guess unsurprisingly after making an occasional habit out of getting off to this sort of stuff, I found myself also feeling more comfortable with some live-action men. I can actually remember the first time I saw an erotic gif of a real guy, who I absolutely thought "oh we can fuck". It was a guy in nothing but underwear and a pair of hipster glasses. Athletic build. Little to no body hair. Short brown hair like the bara man above, except this guy was probably in his 20s. He kinda looked like this guy. But he was laying back on a couch or something. Visible erection through his boxer briefs

Anyway. It was sometime after this where I started to basically say to myself, ok maybe I am bisexual, but specifically I am only attracted to men who are shaped like a buff spiderman.

Actually if you look at my post history here on Tumblr, you can see me describing my type in those exact terms here on Tumblr in like 2015-16

But I also still felt very conflicted for a couple reasons. The first was that I still felt like most men were ugly. And the second was that like visualizing the idea of sex with any of the men I was looking at still seemed weird and not very appealing. So I sorta got into a mindset where I felt like: "ok I'm not really bisexual, but now I wish I was".

So then I started to experiment on myself. I thought, ok, well what if I can use classical conditioning to make myself more into guys? So I started doing this thing where I would make myself look at guys while I finished.

It didn't seem to do anything.

But

I did eventually try one particular strategy that certainly did something. Basically I started masturbating to the idea of being humped or f*cked prone by a select few of my guy friends. Right. And so like. It was really weird because after I did it I thought, well I liked that, but still it doesn't really make me into guys, because I'm just imagining the way it would feel to have my bro touch and fuck me, when I should be getting off to the way he looks. Right. Regardless, after a while I wasn't really trying to change my sexuality anymore, but nonetheless despite masturbating to mostly typical porn that focuses on the women, I would get close to finishing and I would just really want to imagine that same kind of thing again. With a guy! And it kinda just got to the point where I always imagined being with a guy as I approached finish. Generally a specific one of my guy friends, but let's not talk about that because that is embarrassing.

I've been on this section too long, let's move to a new section

Kissing

So, if someone wants to know their sexuality, it seems like the obvious question to ask is "well who do you like kissing"? And I actually did kiss a girl once! Unfortunately I'm not sure if it is at all informative because I was 7 or 8 years old. A girl wanted to play "kiss-hide-and-seek" with me, and I was down because for as long as I could remember up until that point (which I guess was like 5 years) I had longed to kiss a girl. I knew that when I first kissed a girl it would be the most amazing feeling. I used to fantasize that I would faint like a cartoon character from sheer bliss. (I'm not sure what cartoon I saw where that happened, but It was burned into my mind from a very young age).

Anyway. We kissed, and it felt like nothing. "Woah there's a mouth touching your mouth" ok, big deal. And I was really frustrated about it because for so long I imagined it would be amazing.

Now, for reasons to do with trauma and shame that I won't get into here, I subsequently wiped this experience from my memory for several years. In middle school when my friend asked me about having a first kiss, I sat there stuck with a tip-of-tongue feeling about it, but no ability to recall it at the moment.

Anyway, that was my only experience. Thanks to this being wiped from my memory, I did still go on with hope that my first ever kiss would be amazing. Until I was 13-14. 9th grade again. Something happened that truly freaked me out.

I was on the bus with my friends. One was a girl who had recently joined our friend group. And at the time I saw her like this:

I thought she was a clearly attractive girl, but I would avoid developing feelings for her because I wanted to be friends with her instead. And I don't mean in a way where I was saying she's not good enough to date, but just like with the context of her joining the friend group and all. I didn't wanna do the thing guys do to girls who befriend them.

But so we were on the bus, and idk we were just being silly, and she like stuck her face right in front of mine. Real close. It was the kind of thing where if we were watching a film about 12-14 year old kids, this would be one of the moments where it's apparent the boy has a crush on the girl. Like, I know you've seen what I'm thinking of in an anime or something. Like the girl sticks her face right in front of the boy's face and he blushes.

Anyway, that happened, and literally all I could think was like "ew, I can see your pores and smell you". Not that she had like a body odor issue or anything, I just didn't wanna smell her.

But like that experience actually broke my brain. I just kept thinking about it over and over. Why was that gross? I should have liked that. And even worse were the implications it had for kissing. In the past when I imagined having my first kiss, it was always very vague. Obviously I had no sensory data to draw on when reconstructing the idea of it in my mind, so it was about as sensory as a 3rd person viewpoint. The pleasure I got out of it was really ideological. The concept of kissing a girl was something I associated with bliss. But now that I had this new sensory data of a pretty girl who was centimeters away from a kiss, suddenly every time I imagined kissing a girl, it was slightly gross. Just like, ew, it's weird. And I even started imagining further fabricated details like wetness of the mouth (or God forbid tongue). And I just thought it was so weird. And it made me very upset, not because of the grossness but because of the implication. The bliss of a first kiss was something I'd been looking forward to as long as I could remember, so the idea that it just couldn't ever be real was just extremely disappointing.

And then I'd think about one day dating a girl, but not liking to kiss her and... Basically I just decided to stop thinking about kissing altogether. I thought "well maybe I'm just more into hugs. Hugs seem amazing" (I had not been hugged outside of the family at that point)

But the thought was always there. Menacing me. I had a non-binary friend who I thought I had a crush on. I started looking at them with this new point of view and it was disturbing. More "ew".

And I really just had a little baby philosophical crisis. I thought, without kissing, what even differentiates a girlfriend from a girl friend? Like I thought, if I started dating the person I have a crush on what would that even mean if I don't wanna kiss them? What would even change? (They weren't even out as NB yet, relax)

And that's basically the end of the kissing story. I never did kiss again. I have wanted to kiss. My guy friend that is. I developed feelings for a guy friend at 19 and oh I wanted to kiss his stupid lips so bad. Did not happen.

But while we're here: I mentioned that there were a few reasons my friends thought I was gay and in denial. I can't say what all of them are but I can identify a few, and one of them was the NB person I had a crush on. And again, this was before they even came out as NB. It was basically just that they looked like a boy, and my friends thought it was pretty gay of me to be into a girl that looked like a boy. Now, at the time I thought this was entirely silly. Sure they had boyshort hair, and a total absence of femininity, but that's just a tomboy, and tomboys don't actually look like boys. But my friends did also point out to me that they were flat chested, which I had never noticed but seemed to be true, and actually I distinctly remember them not being flat chested when we were in 8th grade. I know because in 8th grade when I was looking for a new crush, I evaluated different aspects of their appearance, personality, and interests, before selecting them as my next crush. (Yes, I know. But that is literally how it happened).

In hindsight it seems pretty likely they were binding in some way, but I didn't know about binding until after 9th grade. And I will also say, like a year or so ago I was looking at my old highschool teacher's Instagram, and one photo on his page was actually way back from when we were in like 10th grade, and they were in the photo! And I was like, oh... They did kinda look like a boy. Their head was pointing down in the photo, so you couldn't make out their face, but other than that they were standing plainly and clearly, full body in focused, and yeah actually 100% if I didn't literally know who that was I would think that's like a skater boy or something.

Idk tho, back then it didn't seem that way to me. I was always into the sort of rough tomboy girls as a kid. Like think, Toph from avatar, or Buttercup from Powerpuff girls, or Mandy from billy and Mandy. I distinctly remember as a little kid having like a little tv crush on this character from the film Unaccompanied Minors who, tbh kinda just looks like a little boy to me now.

Anyway, even having it pointed out to me that my crush was flat chested, I explained to them that I don't actually care about boob size. Like even down to completely flat, I just didn't really care much. Only thing that bothered me was like really big boobs because they just sort of seemed like they were "in the way". And I mean, they all just thought that was super duper gay.

Another reason was that once, that girl who I mentioned earlier who joined our friend group asked us all what our "fetishes" were. And really she didn't quite grasp the very sexually explicit nature of a fetish, and explained it to us accordingly, so we were really just describing things we found attractive on a person. But my mistake of course was that I said I liked it when girls had hairy arms. Like idk, I just noticed once that some girls have real hairy arms, and I thought it's nice to look at. But my friend was like "what?!?! you might as well be into a man at that point".

And then just like, whenever we'd talk about which girls we think are the most attractive, my picks would always be totally out of sync with their picks. They'd pick like, in hindsight exactly who you'd expect a bunch of straight boys to pick. While I'd pick girls who maybe I liked their style, or their hair, or really I can't even say what, but it certainly wasn't anything recognizable as sexual attraction. But for whatever reason I just felt more positive regard when looking at the weird girl I'd felt a kinship with since 1st grade, over the girl with the highly developed body who every single guy seemed to know, and have a crush on; or with the sort of edgy emo girl who was always drawing anime and who was obviously a lesbian but I didn't know that at the time.

So yeah, there's just all these little things like that that made my attraction to girls seem like not really an attraction to girls. And then there's more speculative things, like I know those things I mentioned aren't everything because they started insisting I seemed gay before all that, even in middle school. I think It probably had to do with 2 themes. The first is just the way I stood out in not really messing with their masculine style of friendship with all the mean "banter" and stuff. I remember one of them had to explain to me "this is just how guys show affection for each other". And like, ok I still don't buy that. But basically I was just not part of that. I'd get hit, but it didn't shoot back because that seemed mean. I was just literally always the one going "hey, that's mean" for my own sake or for others. And I think that created some pretty emasculate vibes.

The 2nd theme is just that I was always trying to get them to do weird things like talk about our feelings. I wouldn't say it like that obviously. But it'd be like "ok that's enough discussing political intrigue in star wars, now let's play spin-the-bottle-truth-or-dare". Or like trying to goad them into talking about crushes or something. That's basically all I wanted to talk about all of the time.

I talked early about the weird "selection" approach I had with my crush. Well that was always how I did it until I was 19, and I think the reason I did was because it was fun to think and talk about crushes and stuff like that. Part of why I wanted to have a crush, was so that I could have giddy whispered with my friends about it. Like I'd literally do the thing where I drop a hint about having a crush until someone asks me if I have a crush, and then I play coy about it until they pry it out of me, when really I was always gonna tell them. But like, that's part of the fun! (Until I had a crush on my guy friend at 19 and didn't tell a soul for 2 whole years)

Anyway, I also had a girl friend in 10th grade who was really convinced that I was secretly gay. Like, at this point, I knew I was trans for several months, and I was out to her specifically. And I thought, well she won't think I'm gay because if I seem feminine she'll just chalk that up to me being trans. And I know she was capable of that because her older sister was a trans lesbian!? (Who I still follow here on Tumblr. She is a furry)

But still she was just like "no. I think you are gay". And I can't really say why she would have thunk that. she wasn't really part of those other discussions with guys in my friend group who thought I seemed gay for all those other reasons.

If I could hazard any guess at all it might have just been an egocentric thing. I remember another friend mentioning it at the time. Basically the idea that she just thinks guys are gay when they aren't attracted to her. And I guess that's plausible. In particular our friendship began with a dynamic where she would always hug me, and I would have to tell her over and over again to stop because I wasn't comfortable with it. Very touch averse and all. And I mean it was fine but it was just the neuroses in my head about people showing me physical affection, plus the thing about erections. Altho I was less worried about erections after the first few times.

At one point a few months later she told me she initially had a crush on me. So yeah maybe she just thought It seemed gay that I wasn't into her. Altho years later she claimed actually no she never had a crush on me, so who knows.

I was supposed to have a separate section for crushes, I guess this is that section now.

Anyway, is it strange that I had "crushes" as early as Pre-K? Well I had one crush on Pre-K and then not another until 5th grade, but most important is that all that time in between I absolutely believed that I was super duper attracted to girls. In fact I thought almost all girls were pretty, and I liked looking at them. And so I thought I was attracted to them. And then middle school and highschool came, and nothing really changed except I refined my tastes. Some girls were pretty and some were not now. But still no new feelings about it. I liked looking at girls in 9th grade as much as I did in kindergarten.

I was supposed to use those key terms I defined up above during this massive screed but I kinda forgot to. I really just wanted to encourage more nuanced thinking about all this. Because like. If we're not being nuanced than the fact that I got an erection to porn of women is proof that I was aroused by women and proud that I was attracted to women.

But what I'm saying is that I actually didn't experience attraction to women at all from pre-k to 18. And I've also rarely experienced sexual excitement for women.

If we're talking just about erections and the urge to masturbate, yeah but that's literally it. That's all I had.

There was one time I felt sexual excitement, and the urge to do sexual things with a woman (just kissing), and that happened when I was 18 after I started hormones, and it was a fairly masculine woman. A lesbian probably. But I have had that feeling towards men so many times now.

I have a sense now that I might only be able to get that feeling from more masculine women. Behaviorally masculine, that is.

But also I still think regular feminine women are really hot. Like, I look at them, and I'm like wow I could keep looking at you. Like I look at this for example

And I'm like, wow her body is amazing and I like looking at it, and if she were doing something sexual I might get somewhat erect.

But also I am pretty confident that if I were in close proximity to her IRL I would not feel that. I am not particularly into the way it feels to touch or be touched by women. Or the way women smell. Again I'm not saying it's negative, but it's like a dog. Right, a dog is very cute, and maybe even so cute that I wanna look at it just a little longer. But that doesn't really translate to wanting to do sexual things with it.

But that analogy fails on one point. And that is that I have never gotten an erection looking at a dog, even if it was humping someone's leg! So what's up? Why get an erection looking at a sexy woman if I don't feel the sexual excitement or sexual attraction to her?

And then even worse is that I just love stuff like this

Like I see this I'm like Jesus Christ she is so pretty it hurts. There is very nearly no man you can show me who would visually provoke that feeling in me.

I definitely find some men very visually attractive, but in practice most of the guys I've been attracted to and excited by have been men who i did not initially notice for their looks. Once I get to know a guy as a friend there are other things that will start to get me going. Scent, touch, when he looks at me a certain way. All things capable of going beyond a purely sensory enjoyment. Capable of generating some primal motor inside me that wants to fuck.

When I identified as a trans lesbian, I just thought not having feelings like that towards women was normal for sapphics. I thought sapphic attraction and sapphic love was just more pure because it was just a feminine style of attraction on both sides. And I thought the primal lusty stuff was just men. So when I was a teenage boy I just thought, I don't have those primal lusty feelings because of my trans-femininity.

But then, first I found out that actually lesbians do have those lusty feelings, and they do love big boobs.

And then I found out that I actually do have those primal lusty feelings, but they are only directed at men!

Wrap it up

Ok I have been here for hours so lemme wrap it up by just mentioning some things I intended to mention

I never got to the point where I actively liked Vulvas. I've never really fantasized about eating someone out before. I'm actively squicked out by the idea of putting my penis inside a vagina, but absent that it's like whatever I guess.

I did however become very fascinated with the idea of sucking dick when I was 15. After I experimented with gay porn, remember? That was also around the time my friends started making fun of me for saying that I would be cool with letting a girl peg me. Which obviously they thought was undeniably gay.

Basically I'm saying despite trying to tell myself I don't have genital preferences, I do, I always have, and it's dick.

When I first became aware of my new ability to feel sexual excitement at like 18-19, I was actually reading fanfiction, and it was a steamy scene of two girls making out. It was a Life is Strange fic called "Bloom" by Mogatrat. And actually for a while after that, I felt really strongly that I wanted to kiss girls. Even for a few months after it became obvious that I was attracted to my guy friend. But then I just kept feeling like I would think that a girl looking attractive would mean I'd be into her, but then actually being around them it's nothing at all.

Ok I think that's all I got

#sexology #lgbt #transgender #psychology #bisexual #transsexual #pansexual #gay #lesbian

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