#i was going through some rough time and put a lot of myself my fears and mental struggle in it

[astrolynnworld]

aftercare

pairing: matt x reader

summary: matt takes care of you after rough sex

warnings: aftercare, comfort, kink talk, sweet, romantic, love

a/n: something short and sweet cause all my matt fics are smut

word count: 714

“fuck i’m so proud of you baby. you did so well tonight” matt says after pulling out of me

i don’t respond.

“baby? are you okay?” matt asks

i try to speak but nothing is coming out my mouth.

“you’re shaking princess-“ he pulls me up and holds me against his chest, “can you tell me what’s wrong baby? please?”

“i’m sorry. tonight was just a lot.. i’m not used to you being so rough” i say in a soft tone

“baby i’m so sorry. i didn’t realize that you weren’t enjoy-“

i cut him off

“no no no i did enjoy myself, i just don’t think my body was ready for all this-” i imply

“i mean .. i came three times, i can’t say i didn’t enjoy myself. it was just a lot” i continue in a lighthearted joking tone

he continues to hold me and lightly trace his fingers through my hair

“so.. i didn’t do too much?” he asks anxiously

“no baby, i’m just a bit overstimulated” i say as i lean back and look in his eyes

i could tell he really felt bad. which only made me feel worse

matt would never intentionally hurt me or do anything i don’t enjoy

we do have safeword, if i ever felt uncomfortable im not afraid to use it.

im just so used to a soft dom matt.. not a matthew who’s slamming into me at full speed while pushing my head into the bed so i can’t breathe.

i mean i was done after the second orgasm but he kept going, and i couldn’t stop him. it felt so good

i couldn’t even think anymore. he had his hands around my throat squeezing softly while lightly slapping my cheeks. it was all a lot

don’t even get my started on the hair pulling. i never knew matt even had it in him to be aggressive.

i think what set me over the edge was when he told me to stick my tongue out so he can spit in my mouth. he’s not even into that?

but regardless, it was all very overwhelming so i’m not surprised that i froze up after our final round

“baby?” matt calls out

“hm?” i respond

“did you hear what i said?” he asks

“no..”

“do you want me to run us a bath, would that help you relax”

i simply nod my head and he gets up to run the bath water

no less than a few minutes later he comes back and carries me to our bathroom and sits me in the tub loaded with bubbles

“aww you put bubbles in it? matt that’s so cute” i snicker

he smiles, “i thought you would enjoy more than the regular clear water”

he hops in the tub and sits across from me.

a comfortable silence fills the room for a minute before matt begins to speak

“are you sure you liked the sex tonight? i kinda just wanted to try something new, im sorry i didnt bring it up to you”

“matthew, i promise i enjoyed tonight! i just wasnt expecting it whatsoever.” i reply back

“okay oka-“

“it was really hot actually. i didn’t even know you were into some of these things” i interrupt

“like what?” he asks

“the spit..”

“honestly. i kinda always wanted to try it but i never did in fear that you would hate it” he exclaims

“what? no! that shit is such a turn on.”

“glad to know..” he smiles

i laugh, “boy! stop”

more silence fills the air for a few more minutes until i start to feel the drowsiness take over me

i yawn, “im getting sleepy..”

“wanna head to bed?” matt asks

i nod in response

he gets out the tub and guides me out, matt drains the tub as i dry myself off then we head back to our room

“where are you going?” matt asks

“to find a top?” i reply

“you don’t wanna sleep body to body?..” he questions acting offended

“you’re such a girl” i laugh

we hop in bed and i get comfortable in matt’s chest

“i love you so much y/n”

“i love you more matt”

our last words before the silence is filled in by comfortable snores

————————————————————————

a/n- the end 🫠

[beaker1636]

Donors Wanted Pt. 1 - Chris Motionless

AN: Hey, here it is. I have never written in first person so if this is slightly lower quality than my other work it is because I am adjusting to that, but here is the first part! I hope you all enjoy it! I have no clue how many more parts I intend for this but it'll be several!

Taglist: @yournecessaryevil @talialovesmiw @ladyveronikawrites @cookiesupplier

I slip out of the shower before making my way back towards my bedroom, trying to decide what I should do.  I know the inevitable is going to happen, the sun is now setting so they should be here with the one who is sick.  I sigh, slipping into some sweatpants and a shirt to be comfortable figuring that  would probably be the best but really not sure how any of this is going to work honestly.

Suddenly Sierra is standing outside my door, startling me when I leave my room.

“Holy shit, you scared me,” I grasp my chest, startled as my body jumps from my sudden presence of my roommate.

“I wanted to tell you that you should probably make sure to eat, this time he is going to need more than usual because of how rough he is and I don't want you too exhausted or to pass out.  I already made some of your favorite pasta and have it on the stove for you,” she says softly, giving me a smile as she steps away to give me room to step out into the hallway.  Her blue eyes show me just how happy she is that I am willing to do this, that I want to help her friend.

“Yeah, okay.  Thanks, I assumed I’d be sitting there awhile too so I wore something comfortable.  I guess I don’t know how to prepare for any of this, honestly I am starting to get nervous about this all Sierra,” I finally admit.  I refuse to look at her, knowing she would want to try and make it better if she knows just how bad I am.

“Hey, I was too the first time I did this for Rick, but then just knowing I was helping someone, that I was able to help him stay alive, it helped me feel like it was worth it.  Now we have a really strong bond, honestly we haven’t labeled it but we’re basically a couple. This isn’t a bad thing honestly, is it going to hurt, yes, I almost guarantee it this time because he is going to be a lot rougher more than likely.  But normal feedings, they don’t.  After the initial sting of the bite it actually can feel okay, or they can make you feel great because it gives the two of you a bond nobody else has with them,” she says.  Her eyes meet mine again as she smiles, I can tell her feelings are genuine. That she means everything she says, that she does feel that bond with Rick.

“I, thank you.  I just needed that reassurance. I guess that this genuinely won't be terrible, come on, lets go eat some dinner before they get here,” I say softly, squeezing her arm as I walk by her in the hallway in thanks for helping me feel better.

We both settle on the couch with a bowl of our pasta, putting one of our favorite shows on the tv so that we could sit and try to relax about this impending moment, me pulling my blanket around myself as I try to warm up, unsure if I feel cold because of my anxieties or if I am actually cold.

We are most of the way through dinner when there is a knock on the door, making me tense up in fear as the reality of what is about to happen comes crashing down.  I almost instantly glance at Sierra, silently begging her to answer the door so I have another couple moments before this actually happens.

She gets up, giving me a reassuring smile before she goes and opens the door, hugging the shorter man that is standing in the front before ushering him in.  Then behind him there are two bigger guys carrying in another, one that is clearly sick.  His eyes are barely even open, his body covered in a sheen of sweat as he lets them carry him, limp and unmoving inside of our house. 

I let out a gasp when I realized just how sick he actually is, I don’t know why I thought it wasn’t actually this bad when Sierra told me about him but I didn’t.  This poor man, his black hair hangs in his face, almost covering his dark eyes as they move and gently set him on the couch next to me.

Before I can register what’s happening the shorter one has their arms wrapped around me in a hug, one that I stiffly return, anxious and confused.

“Thank you, thank you so much for helping our leader.  We, we all thought we were going to lose him and we’d never find someone who would help,” he says, his voice soft in my ear before he pulls away with a smile.

“Uhhh… you’re welcome?” I say awkwardly, not sure what I should think about this all.

“Hey Rick, you probably should have said who you were before you just pulled her into a hug, she's already anxious,” Sierra scolds before she looks at me. “That was Rick, he's the clan doctor of this group.”

The one who is named Rick gives me another smile.  His dark hair looks beautiful against his skin and blue eyes, I can understand why Sierra seems to have a thing for him, he is much her type.

“Oh yeah, sorry.  I’m Rick, and those two that helped me bring Chris over are Ryan and Justin,” he gestures to the other two.  I notice Ryan is a bit more bulky, his muscles in his arms prominent as he gives me a slight wave.  The piercing in his nose for some reason stands out to me, maybe because I didn’t expect it.  Justin on the other hand is quite a bit taller than the other men, his hair an artificial blonde color which tells me he either dyes it or intends to.  Justin gives me a sad smile, like he's happy I am helping but distraught over their leader being in rough shape.

“Um Hi? I’m y/n.  Sorry, normally I have more to say but I’m still… processing things.  What do I need to do or whatever,” I say softly, my eyes settling on the heap of a form that is their leader.  My heart is half broken, I can’t help but wonder how long he has been starving to get this sick.  And the fact he is taking the admirable path and refusing to just go eat like most of their kind would and is letting himself starve…. I just can’t wrap my head around this.

“Well, normally you two would meet a couple times a week give or take so that he could come and feed, and you’d arrange that together but he clearly couldn’t do that this time.  I also unfortunately am thinking we may have to umm cut you, make him smell your blood to make his instincts kick in to drink from you.  His body is so shut down that I don’t think he is going to be able to just naturally do it.  Anyways, there are a few things I do think you should know first.  Mostly this one, drinking from a human, it naturally arouses us, so if he ever kisses you or something, please don’t take it badly it’s probably because of that natural response.  Second, we are able to heal your wounds with our saliva, so when it’s done and you allow him to lick the marks they will go away within a few minutes.  And third, most importantly, you are always welcome to cancel this arrangement at any point. It is preferable with notice but if you just decide you can’t do it anymore it is understood and you’d be allowed to leave.  Uhh Ryan, Justin, am I forgetting anything? I’m so used to Chris doing this talk with new people that I don’t remember what all he says.” Rick asks, glancing towards the other men to ask if he missed anything.

“I don’t think so honestly,” Ryan says, giving a shrug as he watches you curiously.  Normally the donors are freaking out more but somehow you don’t seem to be and it is honestly perplexing him, making him wonder why.

“I, I guess we should start this, not waste time in helping him feel better huh?” I ask, my eyes still watching their leaders form as I take in the sight of him some more.

“I’d suggest if you don’t mind maybe doing this in your bedroom, it’s going to take a while so that way you can make yourself comfortable, and so if it is easier he is able to lay down,” Justin quickly suggests, wanting to make this as easy on both Chris and I as he can.

“Uh yeah okay, follow me I guess,” I say softly, leading them towards my bedroom, watching a little curiously as the two men are carrying their leader again as I sit against the headboard, learning back so as to try and be comfortable while they place Chris on the bed next to me.

“I think what will be easiest is to just have you give him your wrist, see if he’ll take it.  If not, do you care if I cut you, not a lot but just enough that it should make him instinctively react and hopefully reach for you? He’d still wind up biting you but at least then we know he is drinking,” Rick asks, looking up at me with his blue eyes looking sad, like he doesn’t want to do this.

I nod, moving to place my arm right in front of Chris, hoping that he’ll find the strength to just lean in and take what he needs but when he doesn’t I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, wanting him to just do it.  I let out a sigh, moving to hold my hand out towards Rick so that he can take his knife and lightly cut me, hoping he understands that I am telling him to just go ahead and do it.

He also sighs, moving to lightly knick me, enough to make me bleed but not enough to hurt me as I let out a small gasp from the sting.  I move to put my arm in front of Chris’ face again, noticing that his eyes are opening as he just watches me closely, practically drooling over it but not acting.

“Fuck, come on Chris,” I whisper, suddenly aware that I want him to do this, that I want to help him and I feel hopeless.  He finally leans in, smelling me softly before I feel his teeth suddenly clamp down, biting into my flesh hard, making me gasp and let out a cry, in both surprise and pain as he finally gives in to this.  

His lips settle on my skin around his teeth as he finally begins to drink, his hands pulling my arm and me closer to him as he takes what he needs, my eyes meeting his as he does.  I can’t bring myself to look away from his eyes, something drawing me in, neither of us looking away from the other until we hear some quiet cheers from across the room as everyone realizes that he is actually feeding from me.  

I look back towards him again, noticing a small stream of red running down his chin and can’t help myself but to wipe it off with my fingers, noticing how he shuddered slightly under that touch as he continued to drink.  His eyes staying locked on me as he starts to look healthier, gaining more strength and his powerful aura is starting to shine through more and more as he continues.

I start to grow tired as he continues to feed, starting to slump in my bed a little as he continues for a few moments longer, my eyes growing heavy.  He pulls away and looks at me with such a soft expression on his face, one of thanks, adoration, admiration before he pulls my arm back towards him, gently licking at the wounds of his bite and of the cut before he gently places it back down, brushing a strand of hair out of my face before looking towards the others in the room.

“Can one of you go get her some orange juice or something, it’ll help her perk up a little from this,” he says, his tone commanding.  

Within seconds the other three men are scrambling out of the room, headed towards your fridge to do as he asks while your friend Sierra watches you, concerned because of how pale you look.

I don’t look at her though, I choose to look over at Chris again, who is still seated next to me. When I meet his eyes he gives me a smile, a hand settles softly on my arm as he lightly rubs his fingers along the skin that he had previously bitten.

“Thank you, I, just thank you,” he says softly, his eyes watching mine as he continues to treat me so gentle, so valuable and I don’t know what to do about it, what to think.

“Chris, it’s no problem, wanted to help who everyone thought so highly of,” I say softly, rubbing my eyes a little bit as the exhaustion still hits me.

As soon as the words leave my mouth the guys return back, someone shoving a glass towards me of the juice as they all watch to make sure I drink, that I am doing alright.  I finish it and lean back with a sigh, feeling a little better but still not great.

“Well, do you want all of us to sit here and keep an eye on her or do you trust yourself enough to watch her for a little bit herself.  As much as you drank from her, someone needs to watch her for an hour or so, make sure she is okay because it was so much more than usual,” Rick explains, looking at Chris.

“I can do it, you guys have already done more than enough.  Someone go check on Vinny, we all know he still struggles a little bit with urges when he's alone and the rest of you can go, thank you,” Chris says, nodding towards them before they all look towards me again, all giving me their thanks for what I did before they wander out.

It is quiet for a minute while it is only Chris and I in the room, neither of us sure what we should say or what we should think, before he finally breaks the silence.

“Thank you for this… now I feel like we should talk, get to know each other better because we are going to be seeing a decent bit of each other,” he says gently, moving to help me lay down on the bed when he can tell that I am ready for it.  My head now rests on my pillow before a blanket is draped over the top of me while he still sits there next to me.

“Well, what do you want to know?”

[your-queer-dad]

Hey Queer dad, I only just found this blog, but I'm writing you anyway, I Don't want to be anonymous, I want my name attached to my story I fear that I'm probably going to explain myself poorly but here goes anyway I am going to be 24 years old this May, I've been on E since 10 - 2020 Ive had to move out to live with my boyfriend of 3 years and it feels like I've all but abandoned my dreams of going through college as an engineer, things were hard to keep up with when covid struck and now I'm a trans-woman living in Georgia USA, I understand that its not as good as my home-state of New York on trans issues, but I have my BF and his Family who are supportive... I'm SCARED as of late sure I live in a fairly chill part of the state, but i'm SCARED like big time, its making my mental health journey harder, and I'm finding a lot of VERY bad thoughts creeping in, mostly about my appearance and all that, I don't look all that fem when i have trouble taking care of my day-to-day hygiene,

My dad is ""Supportive"" as far as accepting the fact that I'm his daughter now, but he and most of my extended family still doesn't use my pronouns or chosen name. My mom, well she left this world, and me alone in it, sure she was never the best to me, but she would have been the one person to support me. When she left I promised myself and her that I would take the little support I spit on and ground into the dirt as a teenager and actually be true to myself.

I know that at this point I am rambling, but I want to put meaning and journey behind my words THANK YOU, for being here for us. THANK YOU for providing a space for us to ask questions, and get parental style advice when we have no-one else and I ask of you this, how does one find community in this world when one struggles to navigate the fear she feels from the world around her?

Hi!! Thank you so much for reaching out. Honestly, it sounds like you've had such a rough time and I am really proud of you. Thank you for sharing your story, I appreciate it, and I'll do my best to help out.

Personal story time: I myself was (and still am sometimes) in a very similar situation myself. And it is scary, it's really isolating to see so much hate from others just for being yourself, and it makes you want to withdraw and hide. And I hid, for so long- it's really hard to show your true self in a world so full of hate and fear.

But I did, slowly, step by step. A little bit every day. Us humans, we're not supposed to be on our own. We're pack animals, like wolves or lions, we thrive off other people's company (some more than others). With mental health, when all you want to do is hide and let the world forget that you exist, what helps you the most is finding others who feel like it and can help.

Easier said than done right?

I'm still working on it, and there's never going to be a stage where you're perfect at it- but every day, just actively trying to engage with others around you, I found helped me. Not running away when people offer help, speaking to new people, finding my local queer community- just actively being aware of my surroundings and gently pushing myself to talk to new people.

The worlds a lot less scary when you have an army of support behind you.

It takes time, and energy. It's hard. And definitely baby steps, small steps. But there are so many good people out there, who will love you and accept you and value you, you just have to find them.

I'm really proud of you, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to and feel free to reach out anytime. Everything will be okay.

- dad x

[farfaras]

Steddie week. Day 4: Familiar / Hurt/Comfort. 1.8k words. Ao3 link.

@steddie-week

-

Steve was having a bad day. Or really, a bad week. He didn’t know when was the last time he got a full night of sleep. This week’s customers from family video were somehow the worst he’s had the pleasure to meet. And he had no idea what he was doing with his life.

It’s always the same thing, after they save the world. He’s left with a feeling of uncertainty and fear. He knew that it’s over, for good now. And that thought shouldn’t be as terrifying as it is.

He was trying to cook before he started to divagate. He got distracted and somehow he managed to burn his hand. Shit.

“Ah! Fuck.” He went to the sink and put his hand under the spray of cold water.

He felt tears coming. It wasn’t even because it hurt that bad. He always had a somewhat meltdown after every brush with the upside down. It’s just, everything felt like too much. And at the same time like nothing. He didn’t know how to fix it, he sometimes thought that he needed fixing.

“Not now, goddamn it.” He just wanted to have dinner and go to bed early. He was just so exhausted. And he was full on, crying now.

He heard the doorbell ring. It probably wasn’t anything important.

It ringed again. And the person outside started knocking too. Steve didn’t really have the fight in him today to try and school his appearance. Whoever was on the other side would have to deal with it.

He went and opened the door to find Eddie. His expression turned from lightheartedness to concern in record time. “Stevie? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He stepped inside and closed the door. Steve just shrugged and all but collapsed on his chest. Words wouldn’t come out.

Eddie guided them to the couch, they sat down without breaking their hug. Eddie was tracing comforting circles on his back.

Their friendship was one of the best things that could’ve come from the terrible circumstances they went through.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie gently asked.

Steve took a deep breath. “It’s just been a rough week I guess.” He pulled back so he could look at Eddie. Eddie nodded and urged him to continue. “The nightmares have been bad, I haven’t been sleeping much. Customers have been awful, my boss hates me. I don’t know why I’ve also been so caught up in how I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. And I can’t even make dinner without burning myself now!” That was a lot, Steve knew. But even if he and Eddie haven’t been friends for a long time, he somehow felt safe enough to trust him with anything.

“You- Sweetheart…” Eddie trailed off and took his hand to inspect the damage. “I get that. We don’t have to have all the answers right now, you know. And for whatever it counts, I’m always here for you.”

Steve nodded. He knew Eddie got it, got him. Considering how different they were, they were also similar in some ways.

“It doesn’t look that bad but, does it hurt?” Eddie asked, referring to his hand.

“It’s fine. I’ll manage.” Steve wiped his almost dried tears with his free hand.

“I could always kiss it better?” Eddie had mischief all over his face, he wiggled his eyebrows. Steve laughed.

No one had offered to do that since… wait a minute. The situation felt so eerily familiar. He suddenly had a memory rush forward.

~

“Ouch!” Steve cried. He just wanted to get on the top of the tree so he could feel like a giant. He didn’t take into account that he’s never actually climbed a tree before in his 7 years of age. At least he didn’t fall from a higher point.

He scraped his hand when he tried to hold on to a branch. It broke and he fell on his knees. He had scratches all over them now. They were lightly bleeding.

There was a small lake around somewhere and Steve once heard that when you get cuts or stuff like that you’re supposed to clean them, so he ran to the lake.

When he arrived he was met with another boy. He looked around his age. The boy had brown curly hair, his back was turned to Steve so he had no idea who he was yet. It looked like the boy was painting some rocks by the lake. Steve’s never seen someone doing that before.

Steve slowly approached him. When he was near the boy’s field of vision he looked up. His eyes widened. “Are you okay?!” The boy asked, worried. Steve didn’t know him. He’s never seen him before.

“Uh. Yes?” It came out like a question, even if that wasn’t Steve’s intention. He was more preoccupied by being taken aback because of how pretty the boy was. His eyes were huge, and so brown. Steve’s eyes were brown too but they were nowhere as beautiful as his. Steve wanted to memorize his face and then try to draw it.

The boy stood up and made his way to Steve. “But you’re bleeding! Does it hurt so much?”

Steve could recognize a small throbbing on his injuries, in the back of his mind. They were long forgotten though. “Not that bad.” Steve still was curious as to why he’s never seen him before. “Why didn’t I see you in school?” He pointed to the direction he thought the school was.

The boy followed his hand with his gaze. “You scraped your hand too!” He took his hand and pulled it so he could look at it closer. Steve’s heart suddenly beat a little faster.

“You- uh- you didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh! Right.” He dropped Steve’s hand. Boo. “I’m not from here! My mom brought me to spend the summer with my uncle.” He explained. That disappointed Steve but at least they could play during this summer. “But that’s not important! Come here.” The boy dragged him to the lake and helped him clean his wounds. He cupped some water on his hands and poured what he could on Steve’s knees. Steve just dunked his hand in the water. The cold was soothing. “What happened?”

“Oh. I fell from a tree.” Steve told him.

“Really?” He stood back up when he finished what he was doing. “That’s cool! What were you doing up there?”

“I wanted to feel like a giant!”

The boy giggled. Steve felt giddy from making that happen. “Awesome! Giants are so cool! Kinda scary, but cool!”

Steve just nodded.

The boy lit up, it looked like he had an idea. “Hey! I just remembered.” He dug for something in his pockets. “My uncle always gives me bandaids to carry around because he says I’m ‘prone to accidents’ whatever that word means.” He used air quotes to make his point before going back in to dig for those bandaids. “Ah ha!” He held them proudly.

He kneeled in front of Steve and started to put them on his knees. When he looked satisfied with his work he straightened back up. “Sorry, I don’t have enough for your hand too.”

“No! That’s okay! Thank you.” Steve smiled at him.

“I could always kiss it better! My uncle does that for me too, sometimes.” The boy offered. Steve didn’t know what to say so he just nodded.

The boy took his hand and brought it close to his face. Steve’s heart skipped a beat. They locked eyes. The boy placed a kiss right beside his scrape on his palm, not really touching it. Then he turned his hand and placed another kiss on the back of his hand. That seemed unnecessary but Steve wasn’t about to complain. He dropped it and the moment was over.

The rest of the afternoon they spend it together, coming up with different games. They played pretend all they wanted to. Until the time came to go to their separate homes, the sun was setting. They said goodbye and it wasn’t until Steve was back home that he realized he never even asked what his name was!

What was wrong with him? Was he really so distracted by his beautiful smile and eyes and laugh, that he forgot such a big thing?

Steve hoped he could see him again.

-

Holy shit. That was Eddie. The same eyes. The same hair. The same smile. The same fucking phrase again. The same boy from back then, it makes sense. By the time Eddie moved to Hawkins, Steve must’ve already forgotten about that exchange.

Fuck. That was Eddie! His first crush was Eddie? Oh my god, his first crush was Eddie. No wonder Steve developed feelings all over again in such a short amount of time.

“You said that back then, too.” Steve really hoped Eddie remembered. He didn’t know why but that felt important (he did know).

“What are you-?” Eddie started. He looked down at their hands, he’s still holding Steve’s. He looked back up, he seemed to come to a realization. “You- you’re the giant wannabe kid?” He did remember.

Steve lets out a joyous laugh. “Yeah. And you’re the bandaid savior.”

Eddie shook his head in disbelief. “That’s crazy. That was one of the most fun days I had in this hell of a town.”

“I beat myself up for not asking for your name for days.” Steve confessed. He wasn’t sure how much that revealed.

“That so?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda funny but you… um” Steve had to say it, he might never find any other opportunity. “You were kinda my first ever crush.”

Eddie didn’t respond. Steve’s stomach dropped. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He started to take his hand back but Eddie didn’t let him.

He guided Steve’s hand to his face and placed a kiss on it. Just like all those years ago.

Eddie dropped his hand to cradle his face. “When I moved to Hawkins and started middle school here, you were my first crush too. But I-“ he paused and took a big breath. “I kind of never stopped.” Steve could see how nervous Eddie was. It was adorable.

Steve smiled at him. “Good.” He leaned in. “Because mine is back, I think stronger than ever.”

They met each other for a gentle kiss. Steve couldn’t imagine how he got here, but he is so glad he’s here, kissing Eddie Munson. If 7 year old Steve could look at him now.

When they parted, they didn’t let go of each other. Instead they just pulled each other close in a bone crushing hug.

“I got you, sweetheart.” Eddie murmured and kissed his temple. Steve felt so incredibly warm. “Not sure how, but we can get through anything.”

“I got you too, Ed.” Steve closed his eyes. Happy. “And yeah. I know.”

And indescribable feeling washed over him. Even if Steve had never felt it before, he knew what it was.

They were home.

[im-outofideas]

it’s not so bad here

fandom: criminal minds

w/c: 2155

pairing: platonic BAU (mostly prentiss and morgan), spencer reid

summary: perspective of spencer: on the jet ride home after a long case. The team is so tired they get a lil silly. fluff + minimum angst I mean it is spencer’s brain.

a/n: this is quite literally my first time for everything, my first time using tumblr and my first ever fanfiction. i had a lot of fun so perhaps expect more maybe?? I want to thank the amazing @nhasablogg for being the biggest inspiration and just so cool honestly. they helped a lot with this work and have just been the kindest person ever!!! anyway pls read the following with all this☝️in mind.

~~~~~~

Spencer never really got used to flying. The team was currently thirty-six-thousand-eight-hundred-sixty-four feet above what Spencer assumed (or more accurately, calculated) would be Tennessee based on flight patterns from Dallas to Quantico and the amount of time they’ve been in air for. Which was roughly three hours, forty-five minutes, six seconds. Seven. Eight. They had about three more hours to go.

The pressure was building in Spencer’s ears and he grimaced, swallowing hard in an attempt to pop them. He always felt a pang of anxiety whenever any pain came to his head, as his memory would replay his mother’s cries for relief during bad episodes.

There was one night when Spencer was eleven, experiencing his first true migraine after finishing his college applications. It was one of the few times Spencer remembered his mother taking care of him instead of the other way around, she was almost completely lucid. His fear was much stronger then, and while he was a boy-genius, his brain was still biologically too immature to handle it.

“I’m dying, mom.” The corners of his eyes wet with tears. His mother smiled at him. It wasn’t often that Spencer behaved his age like this.

“No baby, your head is just too full, and your skull is too small to contain it. The pain is just your head expanding, working to grow and stay ahead of your thoughts.”

“Actually, your brain can’t be too big for your skull. There’s just a blood vessel swelling, and that’s putting pressure on the surrounding nerves which is making the muscles around my skull tighten and causing…” he groaned in frustrated pain. His mother stroked his hair soothingly.

“Would you listen to your mother for once, Spencer? Just go to sleep, you can’t feel the world in your sleep, you know. Go somewhere other than this reality, where your head isn’t constantly working. Relieve some of that pressure... It’s too stressful here, isn’t it?” A far too familiar distant look crossed her eyes for a moment. He rushed to retrieve her.

“Mom.. would you stay with me tonight?”

She returned her son’s gaze. “Of course, I’m not going anywhere.”

His pain seeped out with every stroke, as if his mother’s fingers were magically sucking it out from his skin. As he fell asleep, he found that she was right. He didn’t feel anything. It was like traveling through time.

—————

The case in Texas was particularly rough. Over the past five days, the team got maybe a total of eight hours of rest each. And as far as successes go, they’ve gotten better wins. As a headache creeped up on Spencer, he kicked off his shoes and curled up on the jet couch for a nap. He fell asleep pretty quickly, ready to skip through the headache until he was in Virginia again.

But a funny sensation on his right foot caused his leg to jerk in. I thought I couldn’t feel the world in my sleep. He stirred to see Prentiss standing at the end of the couch.

“I like your socks, Reid.” She said, before wiggling her fingers over his left pink-and-purple striped sock.

“Hey!” He pulled his other leg in and smushed it against the cushion to smother the feeling. He checked his watch, the jet couldn’t be landing already? “What’d you wake me up for?”

“I couldn’t help myself. Purple’s my favorite color.” She grinned at his reaction, before it faded into a frown. “Hang on, now that you’re up though, how come you always get the full couch to sleep on?” Morgan leaned over from his seat, invested in the conversation.

“Thank you. I’ve been meaning to say something about that bull.” He craned his neck, exaggerating the pain of sleeping upright.

“Reid is the youngest,” Hotch said from out of nowhere, neither against him nor in his defense. Spencer hadn’t even noticed him watching. Had they all been watching him sleep? Rossi continued for Hotch, “I suppose he assumed he got first rights to the couch for being born last. And you all let him.”

Hotch went back to the paperwork in his lap, diligent even while running on no sleep. “No, what about Ashley Seaver? She was younger than Reid,” he said. Definitely against him.

“And he still took the couch. Like a gentleman,” said Rossi.

Suddenly, Spencer felt very ganged up on.

“Is that right?” Morgan squinted at Spencer as if he stole something precious from him.

“I don’t think that’s fair,” Prentiss said. “We can’t let him get away with this anymore.”

At first, he was confused by the rare playfulness of his coworkers, especially from Hotch adding to the banter after the crazy, long week. Then he realized; everyone was sleep deprived and filled with a goofy, delirious energy. And while they weren’t able to catch the unsub, they were able to return a young girl back to her family - traumatized, but albeit unharmed - something they saw far too little of. The feeling left everyone more fuzzy than anything, it outweighed the disappointment of losing the unsub. Reuniting a family always strengthened his own, Spencer thought. Perhaps that fuzziness and fatigue was expunging all the professionalism they maintained while the case was ongoing.

And now Spencer - who was just sleeping soundly on the couch that everyone was hungry for - was beginning to feel that fuzziness himself. He faced his back towards his team as he pulled his cover up to his chin and closed his eyes.

“If you wanted it, you should’ve gotten to it first.”

At that, he heard Morgan rise and make his way toward the couch. The blanket was ripped off him dramatically. He kept his eyes closed and opened his mouth to snore lightly. His snore lasted half a second before the sound was abruptly cut off, immediately snapping his mouth shut in a toothy grimace and slamming his elbow down to his side.

“Get your ass up, Reid,”

“No.” He buried his face into the back of the couch, trying to hide his smile as if the way his elbow followed each of Morgan’s delivered pokes didn’t give him away. Reid stiffened a bit more, he focused on schooling his reactions and moving less. If he started laughing, there was no way they would stop, probably even after he gave up what they wanted.

“C‘mon, it’s time to wake up.” His resolve began to crumble when Morgan tasered both sides of his ribs. “Share with the rest of us.”

“Ahhh-ha! Stop!” He huffed out a laugh before holding his breath to stop himself. His face quickly flushed as he wiggled on the couch.

“You know, everyone else sits during the whole flight. As a courtesy to the rest of the team. Except for you-” He accentuated by digging into his ribs again, causing another yelp and laugh to slip. “-who’s just sleeping here like a baby. What’s up with that?”

“Derek-“

“Hmm?”

He couldn’t speak.

“Aww, what’s the matter, Reid? You’re not ticklish, are you?” Prentiss cooed as if nobody could tell he would be just by looking at him.

That’s all it took to crack him. Once the hysterical laughter began he couldn’t stop it. Like a defense mechanism, his brain started working in overdrive to apply logic to best overcome this assault. It took no time to figure out he could never physically stop Morgan; in terms of strength he was far outmatched.

Well, tickling is essentially the body’s response to unpredictable stimuli, so theoretically he could dull the sensations by predicting the attacks. He could trick his brain into believing he was tickling himself. He applied it in a fraction of a second.

All he did was swat at Morgan’s hands in an awkwardly gentle manner, unable to take hold of them. It really did absolutely nothing. Spencer wondered if he were one of the few who could tickle himself.

Before he could think of another solution, Prentiss grabbed one of his arms and hoisted it up above his head.

“No no no, wait wait doN’T-“

Being able to predict was proven a completely worthless tactic. Morgan tickled under his arm and he screamed. His ears finally popped and he could hear the sounds of his own bright laughter at its true pitch. His defense mechanism was shot, as if Morgan’s fingers were sucking out any ability to form a useful thought.

“Oh my god, how’d an eagle get so high up here?” Prentiss teased before breaking down herself.

Spencer wailed and curled his legs in protectively. When that did nothing, he kicked and pulled down at his arm. When that did nothing, he fell back in a whiny giggle in an attempt to garner their sympathy. That did nothing but encourage them.

“Hotch!”

Hotch finished his note, glanced very briefly at his team before returning to his work with the slightest of smiles. Spencer felt betrayed. Supervisory special agent my AAHHAA-

“Oh oh, what’s going on? It sounds like fun, let me see,” JJ turned the laptop over to show Garcia what was happening: Spencer flopping red in the face with Morgan practically sitting on him, Prentiss crouching - legs wobbly from her own laughter - behind Spencer’s head, still holding onto his arm.

“Oh geez, Spencer. How did I not know you were ticklish! Because of course you are. What did he do to deserve this? Did he cheat at Go Fish again?”

Upon seeing Garcia’s grin and his own disheveled form mirrored back at him, Spencer felt embarrassed. If anyone was going to make this a recurring experience, it would be her. He wasn’t totally against the idea, which made him blush furiously harder.

“Okay, okayokay! Y-you can have the couch. I don’t want it. I don’t want it!” Prentiss let go and Spencer squirmed out of Morgan’s grasp, falling to the floor of the jet. He stayed there catching his breath in high-pitched giggles, bewildered by what just happened. He wiped his eyes and looked up at Hotch and Rossi, who stared down at him with immense amusement.

“Thanks for the help guys,” he exhaled, exhausted. They both shook their heads with fond smiles.

“I trusted my agents could handle an internal conflict on their own,” Hotch said.

“You mean manhandle..”

He looked to Morgan, who was settling comfortably on the couch with Reid’s blanket, Prentiss cuddling next to him. He rubbed his sides and looked down at the ground, defeated.

“There’s plenty of room for all of us, big guy,” Prentiss offered her hand, inviting him to the couch. Spencer took it with a smile and sat down awkwardly with his hands resting on his thighs. She draped the blanket over the three of them.

“I’m sorry for being a couch hog.”

“I’m sure you are,” Prentiss snickered.

“It’s alright, Reid, you seem like you always need the sleep. We were just having fun. Did we go too far?” Morgan asked sincerely, arm around Emily and hand on Reid’s shoulder.

“Nah.. I-I had fun too. I mean, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while. I don’t think you guys have either actually.”

“Yeah, well, you did look really funny.” Prentiss said.

Spencer nudged her with a smile, earning him a poke which he quickly followed with a soft noooo don’t.

Morgan scratched the side of his head, mostly to teasingly get his attention. But it felt nice. “Start preparing for a lot more of that.”

“Hmm.. my mom used to do this for me.”

“Tickle you?”

“Uh, no. Stroke my hair. Whenever I got a bad headache, she would tell me to sleep, and then she would pet me until I did.”

“Do you have a headache now?”

“Earlier, a little.”

Without saying any more, Morgan patted down his (now) short hair before stroking up and down soothingly.

“Like that?”

Spencer slumped over and began fake-snoring. Morgan withdrew his hand and sat up a little straighter, which immediately woke him back up “I’m kidding I’m kidding I’m kidding please just- keep doing what you were doing.” They returned to their original positions after Morgan shot him a warning look.

Prentiss rested her head on his shoulder. He leaned his own head back against the couch and allowed himself to relax. The reality of Emily being there with all of them suddenly hit him. Countless nights he begged for her death to be reversed, to be a hoax. To be replaced even. Back then he wished to go to another reality, somewhere without the pressure and the stress, somewhere he couldn’t feel the world. But now, how lucky was he for her to be returned, for her to be truly safe and sound and laughing with them again? He would rather be nowhere else.

He checked his watch, there was two hours left of the flight. The three of them fell asleep very quickly, but rather than try to skip through time, Spencer savored the moment.

[weministertomonsters]

Point Hope Wolf Farm - 1

12th Day of Month 8

16th Year of Carther's Reign

I am starting this new diary with some measure of interest, and a large portion of disdain. You see, I am being sent off to Point Hope Wolf Farm for a few months to recuperate my lungs. Why my lungs matter so much to everyone, I know not. They have always been my most sickly organs, to the point where standing up too quickly sometimes arrests my breath.

I was disappointed by this plan largely thanks to receiving an invitation to Amelia Beaufort's legendary Autumn Ball the week before, which is bound to be stupidly grand, with lots of handsome people to mingle with. As it is, I shall be within pastures of smelly wolves all fall season!

Can you imagine? It is what it is, I suppose.

I will be grateful to draw in a full breath of crisp countryside air, at the very least. And who is to say it will not be fun? Mr. and Mrs. Whiteside are good friends of my parents, so it should be alright.

Picture me now, in a nice traveling dress with pink laces, hunched over my diary in the most unladylike way; I have already discovered the joy of being away from one's guardians. There is no sharp tongue telling me to sit straight or smooth my dress, I can be however I like. The tea cart came through and I have chosen a decadent little tart with a cup of tea. This train lurches so smoothly that naught a single drop can spill, even if it wanted to.

My poor health indeed prevents me from taking many holidays, so even this simple landscape is thrilling to me. I can't recall a time when I have ever been so deep in nature. The grass and trees simply roll on, almost enough to worry that Point Hope will be nothing more than endless pastures with only a small cluster of buildings, hardly enough to call a town and derive some pleasure from walking its streets.

But no need to be concerned just yet, there is the journey of a switch train and another two hours ahead. For now, I will eat my tart and do my best not to get jam on my pages.

The switch train has happened. This one is drastically cheap-looking with 'luxury' seats that would be considered third-class quality in the city. No matter, there is only an hour left to go and I am not a girl of unnecessary complaint. Good thing I have already had my tea on the first train because this one jerks and shakes so much that it makes drinking impossible. One gentleman across from me attempted and only ended up soaking his newspaper with tea.

Something interesting happened just now that made me straighten in my seat. Apparently there was a mixup in the cars, and one beast car had been put between two traveling cars, one of which happened to be my compartment. As it was, they had to walk a pack of wolves through the luxury car to get to their own. There was such an uproar of discontent, and one lady even fainted!

I just stared in amazement because I had not been prepared for what wolfmen would look like. These ones were docile in their collars of silver and disturbed no one as they were pushed through, but they were quite the sight! If I could draw, I would be tempted to try a sketch. Huge creatures with coarse-looking fur of shades from brown and cinnamon to black. Rough hands that end in claws that can rip a man's throat out in one violent motion.

Their eyes were that of beasts with human intelligence behind them, which was terrible now that I think back to it. Their bodies were vulgar to look at; they wore no clothes at all.

My curiosity tempted me to look between the legs, but I shamed myself out of it. One of them stumbled, jostled by the others. He fell to the ground nearly on my lap. I am surprised I did not jump up in sheer surprise, but I suppose the fear froze me. I was thinking,

Look at that huge head, with teeth as long as my hand. He could bite my leg off at once and think nothing of it.

I did note that his eyes were gentle and soft, like those of a good family dog. Suddenly he was being yanked up in a chokehold by one of the handlers. Let me tell you, the handlers themselves are no joke. They have to be strong to even begin to dream of handling such dangerous creatures.

Then they were gone from the car and people were grumbling with the vestiges of shock and some concern for me. I had just picked up my diary to begin my earnest recording of this remarkable encounter when the woman across from me in a giant feather hat said,

"Well, that was frightful. Traveling alone, young lady? Are you quite old enough?"

"I am in my twentieth year, ma'am," I smiled.

"Oh, indeed? Are you going to see your beau or family perhaps?"

So, she was the nosy sort. She reminded me of my Aunt Clarise, only this woman was larger and softer, with a bosom that would be quite pillowy for a weary head.

"I am taking a holiday for my health. The doctor said the clean air would do my lungs some good," I replied, and she set about with an earnest conversation about general health, the air, and what remedies worked best for congested lungs.

She knew it all and had a child like me. I just smiled and nodded along because I could not tell her that I cared little about my general well-being and only wanted enough performance out of my body to keep from fainting every two hours. Eventually, the train stopped in Point Hope, and I said goodbye.

"Have a good one, dear," she said. "I live in town myself, so perhaps we will cross paths again."

I told her I sure hoped so. The beast cars were unloaded too and the wolfmen were herded to the side to be loaded into large cages for transfer. I was quite certain they would be taken to Point Hope Farm because if there was another wolf farm, I had not heard of it. I had a carriage and driver waiting, a relatively handsome young man with a nice smile. He took my bags and opened the door for me and I settled down for the last few minutes of the journey.

This will be the last I write in my diary until the evening, for I will surely have too much to see to spare time for writing.

Part 2

[gellertalbus]

Hi! What’s your take on Gellert childhood and Durmstrang years?

❗ long post warning ❗

very VERY interesting question, thank you anon! Trying to guess Gellert's childhood is one of my fav hobbies. Let's get on with it!

Family: my headcanon is that he comes from a rich austrian pureblood family. Like his father probably worked for the austrian/german ministry or had a (boring) high position due to his family name. From his mother side, someone must've been a Seer in the past leading that part of the family to be slightly hung up on Divination while his father was more skeptical about it. They lived in Vienna but also had an old half-abandoned castle among the Alps, the future Nurmengard. Gellert absolutely loved to go there. He was an only child. Also my headcanon is that he played the violin. I read a lot of fics where Gellert plays some music instrument and it's mostly the piano, but i think the violin suits him more. I myself am a fan of violin music and the wide range of its sounds (gentle, enigmatic, elegant, epic, rough, romantic, sensual, tragic) is like Gellert's personality put into music. Also, Jamie playing the violin? That is a sight to behold!!

Looks: he has his mother's blonde curls and cherubic aura (she is a Bagshot from her mother's side, hence she's Bathilda's niece) while his chiseled features and overall facial structure come from his father.

Childhood: i imagine he was a very energic and impulsive kid, always moving, always doing something, learning, exploring, daring, spending a LOT of time on books but also outside. He often disobeyed his parents using his precocious powers whenever he wanted and not really caring about the consequences. This unsettled Herr and Frau Grindelwald, like i'm not saying they were scared of their son, but they knew Gellert was different, that he could do things other kids his age couldn't, that he was a prodigy (i just KNOW baby gellert was capable of intentional wandless magic and no one can change my mind). He received a strict education as it usually was in the 19th century, learned different languages such as english, french and russian and could dance a damn fine waltz.

The Sight: he had his first vision when he was about six/seven. They were just brief glimpses like flashes that left him very confused and shaken up. As the visions came more frequently and more unsettling he began to kinda isolate himself, being more silent and less lively. Like if you think about it, having the Sight is a very awful business, i'm not trying to justify his future actions whatsoever, just saying that waking up every day knowing that all kinds of horror and destruction might happen in the future SUCKS and that surely took a toll on his soul and personality.

Durmstrang: this is rather obvious but he was top of the class in pretty much everything, like from a certain point professors didn't know what else to teach him so he just sat at the end of the class bored as fuck. Students either feared him due to his Sight and the common knowledge he delved in Dark Magic more than the usual durmstrang policy allowed or they idolised him because of his charisma and idealism. He had friends but I'm not sure if he ever considered them as such, more like "people i happen to spend the time with". Some of them might've ended up as pawns in his grand scheme of things. Like this is one of the many factors that drew him to Albus. Being both brilliant, outstanding and always way ahead of the people around them, they surely must have felt constantly out of place, isolated, alone.

Possible trauma: Mads actually hinted at the possibility he went through some traumatic experience involving his family and the muggles hence his hate for them and i quite agree with him. Maybe his mother was killed? Both his parents? Again, give us some crumbs...

He saw Albus in his visions: this is a common headcanon and i couldn't not mention it. I think that yes he saw Albus in his visions way before he went to Godric's Hollow but did not necessarily act on it. Like he just kept Seeing him and felt a powerful connection to those blue eyes framed by gorgeous auburn hair ❤

Also, and i think we can all agree on this, Gellert is definitely a cat person right?

Thanks for your question, anon, and apologies for the rant! 🖤

[taanoir]

Milo finally talked to Nicole. He was nervous when he began speaking. Doubt ate at the back of his mind, what if she was mad and never wanted to talk to him again? What if he had waited too long? What if she thought he was trying to replace Jimmy?

"Hey hun, there's something rather serious I need to talk to you about."

Nicole's face was painted with worry, Uncle Milo never sounds like this.

Milo studied her face, she shouldn't be the worried one. "We need to talk about your parents, well really, about your father."

Nicole's face shifted from worry to confusion "He's been dead for almost 9 years, what's there to talk about?"

Milo could feel his face losing color and threatening to take his nerve with it. He ripped the band-aid off and blurted out "The thing is, he was your Dad but not your father. I'm actually your biological father." Milo held his breath waiting for her response.

The words hit Nicole like brick. Her mind raced, she had so many questions. Why had no one told her before now? Who else knew? Why go through all the hoops of custody? Her Mom and Uncle Milo, had a thing at some point, did her dad know? .... what the actual fuck.

She took a drink of her wine and began to gather her thoughts. The new information began to really sink in. Was she really surprised or was it the shock of it being said out loud? She thought back through the moments of her life, the one constant had been her uncles.

Nicole let out a long sigh that seemed to emanate from her toes. She wasn't mad, but she was still confused and a little hurt "why did you wait so long to tell me? Why didn't you want me to know? That would have been really helpful to know at any time in the past 8 years".

Milo was honest, that's all he could be "I didn't know myself until after your Mom started therapy. She made me promise not to tell you, which your Uncle Gene thought was a horrible idea. Turns out he was probably right, not surprising I know. I also didn't know how to tell you. You loved your Dad so much, and I didn't want to discount that in any way."

Nicole drank some more wine and let the information percolate. "So, do you want me to call you Dad or something? This is going to take a little bit to process."

Milo's eye went wide "No, no, no, no ... nothing like that. I just wanted you to know for medical reasons and because I have loved you since you were born, like a daughter, and you are in fact my daughter. You should know that at least one parent, even if they didn't know themselves, has always been in your life and isn't going anywhere. I was here because I loved you and I wanted to be here for you, the biology was more like a bonus level that I had no idea how to navigate."

"I've watched you hurt too much for too long and for that I'm sorry. I was scared I'd end up hurting you more by telling you. Then it was too long and ... I was just trying to work through my own fear and doubt, not an excuse, but that's why it's so late coming."

Nicole softened, a small smile crept over her face "I'm glad you told me, thank you. I'm going to need a little time, right now, I'm just surprised. No matter what, you're still Uncle Milo, I still love you. I still love Uncle Gene too. You both have been here for me, Tiff and Jen. We have always had everything we needed and most of what we wanted. You've been mentors, role models and parents with or without blood. This opens up some new things I need to look at and some old things I need to reexamine." She paused, "I do have another question, who all knows?"

Gene shifted in his seat "To my best knowledge, your Mom, Uncle Gene, me and now you. Though, according to your Mom, your Dad knew." Nicole's eyes widened, "Dad knew and you didn't. That had to be a rough conversation". Milo nodded "It was, but it also put a lot of things into context. If you have other questions, I will answer them as honestly as I can." Nicole thanked him again but she needed to sit with this for awhile.

This was the best case scenario Milo could have imagined. The two finished their wine and shifted the conversation to a Project Nicole was working on at the office.

[cutegirlmayra]

Sonamy prompt: Sonic finds out some personal stuff about Amy on accident (either overhears a conversation or accidentally reads her diary). He finds out that besides Amy's love of adventure and genuine love the biggest reason she's so attached to Sonic is because he's the first real friend she ever made. He didn't just save her life he saved her from loneliness and she fears going back to that solitude of having no one around.

(Image is not owned by me, the original creator is listed below the image, please support the artist!)

PROMPTS ARE ON SHUTDOWN. DO NOT SUBMIT ANY MORE PROMPTS till the official reopening is announced, thank you ^^

Prompt:

Sonic put the letters down... a bit too far into his mind in processing how he saw the past... versus how Amy did.

He smiled and gently flopped the old letters down back on Amy's assorted table where many items were being organized and taken out again.

She had gone to her back shed near her garden to get more stuff out, having garbage bags all around... but Sonic was told that anything on this table was allowed to be trashed.

He couldn't... He just took one of the letters, folded it neatly into a tiny square, and tucked it into his glove.

He ended up taking another one... and another... later, after helping her with her 'spring cleaning' regiment, he took off to the hills behind some grove of trees.

The sunlight shone down like the revelation of feelings he had when reading the assorted letters... and one by one... took them out... looking at the top of the pages to see which was ordered first.

He had only skimmed at times... but he couldn't just throw them away without properly reading them first.

He was too curious for his own nature... but Amy was just gonna toss them anyway...

How bad could it be?

That he ended up... keeping them... for a long,... long time.

The Letters:

... So, naturally, I went to the strange floating planet, after the cards predicted a "Destined Meeting" how could I refuse?!

I didn't realize... how scary it was gonna be...

But for some reason, the handsome hero made me feel not scared at all! <^(^//u//^)^> I really liked how kind he was to me... Though, he didn't say much, I was nervous to even meet the famous Sonic The Hedgehog! Defender of little lives, they would say, with a big spiky head!

His head was normal size... at least, to me, he was perfect! Hehe~

I had never really thought about how much trouble I was putting him through, not until afterward. I trained really, really hard after that! I wanted to prove to my beloved hero that I could join his rough-and-tough gang of good-doers by entering the same tournament as him! But... I think I still had a lot of work to do. But, that didn't slow me down!

I knew we were destined for each other... but not even really knowing how to make a friend,... how was I supposed to get a husband!?

It boggled my mind for a little while... was I too clingy? To... needy? Not pretty enough Too headstrong? I don't think Sonic would be worried about that... he's not like other guys, he's a hero! Brave and true, right!? And a beautiful shade of blue~ Was I the one that had the vibe off?

It's been a bit since the tournament, and Sonic and I had our first real conversation! I knew it! That magazine that mentioned "The quickest way to a man's heart is his stomach" actually worked! Go figure, everyone told me those articles were hocus pocus, but I showed them!

Sonic ate a blueberry and peanut butter sandwich... because, well, I didn't know where to find strawberries... but he was very polite about it.

I was embarrassed a bit because I talked so much. I just wanted Sonic to know everything about me, that's how people start to like you, right? Through "Understanding one's emotions" so I just kinda rambled on about myself as though I even had a life before running into him... I don't know how he took that.

But I won't forget his smile, he was pretty into eating before looking up at me while chewing and staring into my eyes... Eeek! So handsome!!! <3 <3 <3 <^(>n///u///n<)^> He reminded me of a prince or knight from fairy tales... did I get him to want to be my boyfriend?

"Start small, work your way up." The magazines never mentioned what to do if the boy was always gone... but I couldn't just go back to my dull, boring life where I was on my own one minute, then scooped up by ill-fate the next! So... I just started to live life again... I didn't want to... but I hadn't seen him in so long.

I had this incredible adventure with Sonic again! I saved a Birdie and his family! I finally made Sonic respect me! Now he'll have to let me join his team!

Tails said today, "We're friends!" and I had to smile and wait till I was alone to cry about it. Sonic's never said that... not yet... but hearing his best friend, someone Sonic really trusts, say I could was his friend? It hit more than it should have... Knuckles might take some more time.

Psyche! Knuckles totally just handed me a chao and looked away all sweet about it! I'm in! He trusts me!!!

Now... if only I can get Sonic to admit tell me he cares...

Another gnarly adventure! Sonic must be so exhausted! But when I went to find him, he was just chillaxing as though another day had gone by! It was eventful, you should be resting, but like this!? Like nothing even happened?!

He said he was sad about Shadow... I didn't quite get it but I realized... I was sad, too. He didn't seem like a bad person... he was just trying to help his friend's dream come true... at least, the best way he could interpret it, and help it come true... I thought about my dreams, the world's dreams,...

I feel so stupid. I asked Sonic about his dreams, and he looked at me like I had said something that made his brain empty on the subject... Sonic, you big dork cool goofball! He does have dreams, right!? Does he really go through life just enjoying whatever he runs into???

Yes. I found out yesterday. Yes, he does.

I don't know why that frustrates me, or why I admire that so much... my heart keeps falling in love, but my mind keeps saying... he's never called you his friend before.

He was the first person I spent so much time trying to get close to... I know he isn't trying to be mean about it... he's very important, and the world needs him... but it hurts sometimes. Wondering all the time what we are... what I am to him.

Today, Sonic pulled me aside after showing up randomly to my home. He said he had to go for a long time, and now to worry... he wouldn't do that unless he considered me his girlfriend, right?

Sorry it's been so long! We were sucked into another world! Everyone was human, but not like Eggman, and the animals didn't talk or anything! Let me explain,-

Sonic moved the paper aside and continued to the next one, his heart a bit heavy, his eyes a bit drooped... Come on... where is it? The part where she realizes and writes what was so obvious to himself?

After Cosmo, Tails wasn't the same. We said goodbye to Chris and Sonic and I had a big dinner. It was nice~ Just the two of us.

Sonic narrowed his eyes, but this time, he skipped so much and started to rapidly skim the papers, flipping them over the other like a machine to find the paper where she knows who she is to him. None of the other letters to herself mentioned anything about her doubts anymore... did that mean... she accepted and figured out she was important to him?

Oh, I forgot to mention... when Sonic first got back, and gave me the flower, I felt like he really did care. I was the first person he came back to greet and let everyone know he was okay. That made me feel really special... that smile again... like maybe... he does enjoy my company.

Sonic frowned, gritting his teeth a bit as he hissed back his sorrows at making her wait so long to know how he felt.

She didn't even know..!? Was he that discreet? Or was she oblivious?

No... he couldn't blame her... maybe... girls just need a direct statement?

He wasn't exactly getting angry... but he was disappointed in himself.

He flipped the last page, worried when he only saw a few paragraphs...

Sonic was gone for so long... the Forces were really suffering without their shining blue hero to lead them on... I... wasn't doing so well either.

We won! Haha! As we were rebuilding, we each all stated how much we missed him... I put my hand to my heart, wanting to tell him specifically how I was feeling... but that would have been embarrassing. He knows. I'm sure he does.

It didn't mean I wasn't going to follow him around after that! Hehe, same old and forever,... I love him no matter what.

Sonic's body seemed to loosen from their tight, hunched fixation over the letters...

I almost never got to say it, you know? I finally did, I told him, "I love being with you, Sonic!" and tried to give him a smile that meant, 'you are my world, my very first love, and my dearest friend.' but I don't think it got across to him...

Until! The very next day, Sonic took me out on a run! No explanation, he just said he felt like it. I think Tails told him how much I was suffering without him, but I don't care, it was so much fun!

Sonic even said, "I love moments like this." when we were watching the sunset after a long, hard days work on some ruins left behind from Eggman's empire takeover. Sonic... said he loves moments with me... I knew then... that even if he never said it, we were all important to him. And... I hope he one day knows... how he's everything to me.

Sonic threw down the last paper, dashing off to head back to Amy's house... as the wind gently carried the papers... off into the sky.

[heartshattering]

I made it through last night, so I'm getting myself the gift I said I would give myself. But nighttime has still been so hard, I'm dreading it.

(more rambling under cut)

I don't know why my sleep schedule can never stay consistent and why I keep running into roadblocks, rough patches, whatever you want to call them. I know progress isn't linear but I do wish that at some point I could put my sleep issues behind me once and for all. Like be able to look back and say "Yeah, I *used* to struggle a lot with sleep, need sleep meds, deal with nighttime compulsions and paranoia and panic attacks, but now I don't anymore". God, how long is it going to take? Am I really such an unfixable person?

I hate that I'm not fully well. I hate that I always end up having to go back on my meds. I hate that I have no sleep schedule and that my hours are completely inconsistent. I didn't wake up today until about 5 PM. And I get these awful panic spikes, sometimes related to specific issues or fears (like thinking someone is mad at me) but other times I just feel anxious out of nowhere or because I'm worried my whole life is always gonna be this way. I've been doing my best to distract myself, not overwork, try to think positively, etc. but deep down I just feel so hopeless. I hate these damn cycles I'm stuck in. I do better for a little while and then it's back to feeling like I'm beyond hope. I'm overwhelmed and I just want to feel okay.

[beautifulenemychild]

KotLC one shot

*deep inhale* I’m back people! I actually wrote part of this fic as an assessment for my English class lol. I added a lot more flourishes (and I mean a lot, this used to be one sheet of A4) and actually ended it properly! I’ll put it on ao3 at some point but I do not have an account! Once my request goes thorough, i’ll put it on there :). It’s a mix of Sophie ANGST (we love our angsty girl tho!) and some sokeefe fluff :3 (he is soo protective of her, it’s adorable). It’s also Sophie’s POV (first person) fyi :) Anyway, enjoy!!

We were in flames. Again. I could almost hear fintans cruel laugh as he leaped away. The never seen Crystal he and Ruy used was still here somewhere but it would have to wait. I turned to the flames again. And that’s when they hit. Flashbacks of Oblivimyre, San Diego, Verdi and I in the Everblaze and pain. So, so much pain. Old burns reawakened and I screamed, unable to stop myself from returning to that place. Black obscured my vision and my panic flared higher. The tiny coherent part of my brain was thankful that I refused to let Dex come with us. The harsh memory of burns climbing my arms felt like new even though Mr Forkle had done so much to repair them. For all I knew, they could be real and I could have been engulfed by the roaring orange fire. Another scream fell from my lips and I thrashed, trying to rid myself of bonds that hadn’t touched me for months.

A soft, blue breeze streaked across my consciousness but it wasn’t enough. The shade of blue was almost exactly the same as Fintan’s trademark, balefire and it only racked by body with more panic, pain and fear. More blue breezes ran across my mind, this time tempered with green and building to a gale pulling me together. It wasn’t a destructive hurricane, but a mending one, pulling me together and finally clearing my vision from the blackness. My frantic screams eased as did my trashing although I still trembled fiercely, fighting to keep the monster inside at bay. I cursed myself for letting Flori stay at home before remembering that Grady and Edaline would be left unprotected should she have left.

Tears ran through my eyelashes, coming thick and fast as the monster replayed more terrifying scenes from my past. Eternalia falling, Oblivimyre again but this time when we found Kenric missing, Oralie, Forkle’s death and Keefe running away. That’s what hurt most. 

‘He left you’ the voice in my head whispered ‘He left you and didn’t care that you nearly shattered. He only pretends to care to take advantage of you.’

More sobs shuddered through me and the teal breezes could only do so much. Everything was a blur, but why could I not feel rough, painful asphalt beneath me? Now I was a little more focussed, my head began to clear and I could hear something. A name. My name. 

‘Foster. Foster. FOSTER. FOSTER. FOSTER PLEASE. PLEASE SOPHIE. Sophie snap out of it, please. SOPHIE! FOSTER! LADY FOS-BOSS! Foster come on, wake up!’

I could feel shaking hands now, holding me. One on my back, one clutching my ungloved hand. At last, my eyes cleared properly and I could see. Keefe leaned over me, worry and fear distorting his features as he cradled me. He somehow still managed to look amazing, even while terrified and panicked. 

‘Keefe?’ I whispered hoarsely. 

‘Sophie. Thank the stars. I thought-‘ his voice broke. ‘I thought I lost you again.’ He sounded so scared and almost heartbroken. ‘Never mind. I knew it was a mistake letting you come here with- with him. Come on, I’m taking you back to Havenfield.’ Keefe sounded angry now. Protective. He started to pull me properly into his arms, as if he knew I was too weak to support myself. 

‘No. Keefe, stop. I’m not going back home yet. I have to help. There could be humans here, I have to save them. The never seen don’t get to kill people just because I can’t handle a bit of fire like a weak little girl.’ I protested weakly but the determination in my words was there. 

Keefe’s jaw locked. ‘You are in no shape to go rushing around saving people. Now, I don’t know what just happened but I do know that it was their fault. I didn’t know whether you would snap out of it, Sophie! You were thrashing around with your eyes wide open and screaming. It was all I could do to keep you from falling and hurting yourself more. And don’t say that you’re fine. I’m an empath, remember. I can feel everything you’re feeling right now and there were a few minutes where I didn’t know whether the panic and guilt would consume you. Let me help you for once. I’m trying to keep you safe and NOT SHATTERED’ he shouted the last words and I could see the regret in his eyes as I flinched. 

‘They don’t get to control me, Keefe. I can take care of my own sanity. I know my limits.’ I was stronger now, the breezes he was still sending me helped too. He was right though, I was still shaking badly and I likely needed medical attention based on the pain I could feel blossoming in my arm and head. Either way, pain or no pain, I was still conscious so I was still able to help in some way. 

‘Foster, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You’ve been working yourself to the ground these past few weeks and I can tell you haven’t been sleeping either.’ He was right, of course. The nightmares had been unbearable and anytime I tried to sleep they always woke me within the hour. My dark circles definitely were in a league of their own despite the makeup I had been applying to cover them and not worry anybody. Keefe could always tell. 

‘And the way you just looked away from me confirms it. Sophie, please, you need to rest. You need Elwin. I’m guessing you’ve been avoiding him so that he wouldn’t notice how little you’ve been sleeping? I know it’s hard but please, you have to take care of yourself before you can save everyone else. And before you say anything, Marella is trying to contain the flames now and Fitz hailed Alden. He should be here any second with quicksnuff (?) and frissyn. The humans will be safe. You need Elwin’ he repeated. I hadn’t noticed before but fear was laced through his words. Keefe was scared. But for what? And then it clicked. He was scared of losing me. That made me feel even worse, I hated people worrying because of me. 

I hid behind my hair, embarrassed. 

‘No. I have to stay, make sure that we didn’t miss anything. I’m not letting innocent humans  be in danger because of me. And I thought you would understand, Keefe, I can’t let them control me like this! I can’t be just a defenceless little moonlark who collapses every time she sees fire.’ I replied, aware of how insufferably stubborn I was being. 

Keefe sighed mixed with an annoyed growl in the back of his throat. He did know, though. So he helped me back up to my feet and held me close, tenderly kissing my forehead. ‘I’m taking you straight to the healing centre after this, my stubborn Lady Fos-Boss.’

This time, I sighed ‘Fine, Lord Hunkyhair.’

Keefe cracked a smile at that. It was small, but enough. Strength suddenly coursed through me and my knees buckled slightly. Keefe curled his arm around my waist and looked around to see who was responsible. 

‘Don’t worry, it’s just Fitz. He’s sending me a bit of energy.’ I said to calm him. 

Keefe nodded. 

I heard running footfalls behind me and I turned, throwing stars already in hand, half expecting to find another member of the never seen or a rouge ogre. 

Fitz smirked as he slowed to stand by us. 

‘Did I miss the Sokeefe snuggle fest?’ He teased. 

It relaxed me to see him joke about me and Keefe. 

‘Aww, do you feel left out Fitzy? Come here, I’ll give you a cuddle,’ Keefe replied, leaning towards him but not letting go of my hand. 

Fitz laughed and took a step back ‘Noo way loverboy! Dad will be here in a minute, he’s trying to find a crystal where we are. Sophie, I’m guessing you have quicksnuf?’

I handed him the cube that I’d forced Dex to make me after our last disastrous training session. Thank goodness for Sandor’s quick thinking. 

Fitz’s smile faded as he noticed something on my arm. ‘Uhh, what happened?’ He said, gesturing to my right arm. 

‘What do you mea-‘ I glanced over at my arm and saw a bruise the size of my face covering my forearm. ‘Whoa. Keefe, I think I get why you were freaking out now.’ 

Fitz scrunched his brow ‘Why was Keefe freaking out? He never freaks out?’ 

Keefe raised his eyebrows and glanced quickly at me. 

‘Oh. I’ll ask later.’ Fitz mumbled. ‘Anyway, Marella is trying her best but the fire won’t obey her and she doesn’t know why.’

I cursed. ‘Of COURSE he thought of everything. Ughh! Fitz, throw the cube, would you?’

He nodded and hurled the box right into the middle of the inferno. 

Powder exploded everywhere and a disgruntled screech sounded from the flames. 

All three of us winced as Marella shouted ‘YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME IDIOTS!’ 

‘Sorry!’ I called back. It wasn’t all bad though, the raging flames were finally calming. 

‘Thank god the quicksnuff worked’ I whispered, leaning against Keefe. 

‘And now, we are going to Elwin.’ He said, gently pulling me closer and planting a kiss on my forehead. 

‘Ughh fiiiiiine’ I groaned, but I didn’t move this time. 

[dunk3n9]

BATMAN X JOKER HUMAN AU

(I don’t own the artwork I just got it off Pinterest)

Chapter 1: Who Met Who First

I was in a room laughing as I notice the blood everywhere. I see my mama when I walk forward. She looked over with this sickeningly sweet expression on her face. I felt bliss in knowing I was installing that fear. Soon after I feel the laughter, it was abrupt and angered with insanity. When I look at mother, an item in her hand throws itself at me.

I wake up, opening my eyes with quick breaths and sweat pooling on my everything. It takes a minute before my eyes stop fearfully glancing everywhere before meeting my poster of "The Riddler" a talk show host. When My breathing was stable after laying there reminding myself it wasn't real. Who was it that... No I can't think like that anymore otherwise.

"Joe! It's time to wake up, sweetie," Mother yells upstairs, she must be busy with laundry.

My name is Joe Chill. I prefer my nick name at school "Joker" and I earned it. I get called that for several reasons. My mom calls me that cause of my jokes and silly tricks that make her happy. Not to mention the tricks I've played on my peers at school.

"Joker? Joe? Ah, there you are, how did you sleep?" she spoke in a calm voice smiling when sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Fine. I guess."

I looked down still tired.

"Awww, I know Joker but, it's your first day of high school! Oh my goodness, my little man is growing up and going to school-" she smothered me in motherly words and affection.

"Okay, mom you can let go now! Haha," I spoke while chuckling.

"I'm looking forward to some good things this year," I said with mischievous glee.

Any person that knew me would know that smirk I did wasn't just for laughs.

"Oh no you don't mister! No pranks this year not even if someone bothers you, even if they may or may not deserve it, " she said with a stern tone of voice saying the last part under her breath while walking back downstairs.

"But mom!" I loudly complained following right behind, "My whole class is probably waiting for my pranks. It's traditional!"

she gave a stern look to my dramatic argument.

"No buts. Say 'yes mom' and I'll send you on your way," she spoke standing there facing me.

"Yes mom," I said jokingly in a robot tone.

"Good. Oh, that reminds me, your sister Harleen is going to be at your school, too. A grade higher than you. Also go get dressed my Son-a-tron two thousand," She had spoken so nonchalantly I didn't react till it registered.

I was shocked at this statement. My sister Harley is for lack of better words a psycho she can be rough and violent, when needed but, she present herself as put together and is smarter than she'd admit. She's embarrassed me a lot of times at school, too. I love her to death but she can be annoying at times. One time I was getting bullied and nearly got into a fight she stepped in and got in the guys face. I mean yeah she tried to help but still I could handle myself.

"Please tell me she's not-" I said not even finishing my sentence.

"Yup she's moving back here forever her dad finally took the time and decided it was best if she was with me," she squealed in joy like she hasn't seen Harley in ages... It's only been a year.

Someone knocked at the door and mom rushed to answer it. Harley jumped straight in through the door with a front hand walk over then a cartwheel. She landed in front of me with a "ta-da" she said. She hugged me tightly till I gasped for air she then let me go.

"How's my little puddin doing?" She was practically beaming with excitement.

I shrugged with a chuckle. She hasn't called me that since we were kids. I was really confused by a mark on her upper arm. Like burn marks I frowned a little.

"uh-uh-uh turn that frown upside down I'm not gonna bother you all school semester unless someone gives you trouble," she winked and walked back to the door laughing while grabbing her things.

I'm sure I wasn't imagining those marks. I'll ask when she settles in more. I became intrigued when I heard a noise outside all of a sudden.

"What the?" I whispered to myself of course.

I walked to the door passing mom and Harley in a quizzical conversation. Peeking out the open doorframe I spot the old Cobblepot residence being looked at by a family bringing in luggages inside. Oh, they're moving in.

Just like that there they were... new neighbors. Why at a time like this? It seemed odd. I saw a thin women with good physic and she looks healthy, pretty, house wife I believe by her attire. A man with a muscular physic that most men had, sturdy, business man attitude. Then there was a little boy looking around my age he looks more buff than me. I studied him his facial features he had dark eyes, he had the perfect Chin, his smile had pearly whites just like mine. He had most beautiful black hair unlike me with messy green hair, he also had a tan going on I was a tad bit pale.

I was staring for too long analyzing him and his family I didn't notice he saw me and we shared glances. I was scared. What if he tries talking to me? What if he's a bully? I don't know these people. Looking over when back to reality he was speaking to his mom, pointed at my house, she looked over, smiled, nodded yes to something, and he was suddenly walking over here. I hid against the wall. Someone wants to meet me?

"Um, hello? Green hair guy?" His caramel apple voice was so close.

I peek out the door a little. I almost laughed at the startled look when I suddenly popped up.

"Ah, I'm sorry," I tried to contain my laughter, "yes?"

He fixed his outfit and nodded I'm guessing to compose himself. He cleared his throat then spoke.

"Where is your mother?" He spoke fancy and precise.

My nerves became hyper aware that I was talking to someone. Someone new. I was suddenly nervous and anxious.

"Ummm busy. Why?" I spoke quickly avoiding eye contact.

"Please, do get her."

"Mom! Door!" I yelled while turning towards the kitchen.

"My names Bruce by the way," He spoke so suddenly.

I almost lost my composure and screamed. I just simply turned and waved before fiddling with my fingers nervously. She was at the door in a flash looking at Bruce.

"Why hello there," she spoke in a joyful but confused tone.

I walked away to get ready considering I was in my Pajamas consisting of a Black t-shirt with purple and green HAHA's on it, and black fuzzy pants. I quickly brushed my teeth and hair, got dressed, grabbed my backpack, and headed downstairs. I walked back to see the other family talking to my mom.

"I'm so happy to see new faces in the neighborhood. Don't ever hesitate to ask for help from us," she said excited as I was confused.

"Thank you very much. We've come from so far it's nice to have a fresh start. Well I'm glad it's peaceful over in these parts," the woman sounded so elegant.

"We're happy to have you, mister and miss?" Mom has always been so polite she's a people person.

"Just call us Martha and Thomas. Oh, is this your son?" Martha spoke so precise and high class.

"Why yes this is. Say hi, Joe."

Giving a simple wave I try to give my best smile that hopefully didn't show my nerves.

"He's a little shy," mom said in that motherly way of 'he's still learning' or something like that.

"That's okay most kids are to new people. If it's not too much to ask do you think you could take our son to the school? We got here without looking at where it was," Martha had spoken apologetically.

"I'd be happy to help and afterwards I can help you guys move in if you'd like? It'd give us time for some girl talk and to get to know each other," Mom said friendly.

"Thank you very much, Penny." Martha said holding moms hand.

They said there gratitude towards each other and walked away. The boy went over and grabbed I'm assuming his backpack which looked like a briefcase. I looked down apologetically. Mom gave a confused look and realized.

"Joe it's okay. Eventually you'll be able to talk to people and make a lot of friends. Just for now let's just make some high school memories," Mom spoke reassuringly.

I look up at her smiling. She always knows what to say.

"Thanks mom. Let's bring harley, too," I said happily.

"No can do kiddo I got my own set of wheels, boo yah!" She said with a light punch to my shoulder.

"Alright you two! Now how about after school we go out for Chinese food to celebrate your first days, huh? Would you both like that?" She said enthusiastically.

I nodded my head smiling as did harley.

"Great Chinese it is then. Means I don't have to cook, haha," she laughed grabbing her car keys as Bruce walked back our way.

Me and Bruce hopped into my moms car as she smothered Harley in hug and kisses. I heard harley whining through the window and it made me laugh a little.

"What's your name?" Bruce asked bluntly.

"I- uh. You. Me?" I jumbled over my words.

"Haha, yeah you? Unless the car has a name, haha" He spoke shyly trying to break the ice.

"My- my name is Joe. Joe Chill."

"I like your hair, it's fluffy," He spoke nicely.

I became a flustered mess. I'm actually talking to someone. I can't believe it.

"You ready kids? Because mama has a Coffee with her name on it,"she said jokingly.

Me and Bruce chuckled and we were off to school. Let's hope nothing happens to change this day.

[robotic-maid]

Long post stupid ramblings about my own grief sorry idk how to add a read more.

Tw: brief mentions of suicide, self harm, mental illness, sexual trauma and substance abuse (woah holy shit that’s a lot)

…..

Mornings are really rough for me, the passage of time itself scares me in a way I can’t always put into words. Every morning I wake up and it feels like the morning after something sad and painful just happened. Because of my ptsd I have reoccurring nightmares, and in these dreams I relive some of the most painful things I’ve gone through. Sometimes it’s the night I was attacked and chased into a closet, sometimes it’s my 18th birthday when I no longer could stomach anyone else seeing my body, sometimes it’s the morning after I was discharged from the hospital after failing to take my life again, and sometimes it’s the morning after I’ve lost someone I loved, either because they died; or because they hated the person I was becoming.I don’t know how long ago these events in my life really happened.

Even events with solid dates, feel like they were yesterday. When I was younger I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. So alone in my grief all I could do is curl up in a little ball. As I got older I found it was easier to sleep if I took whatever I could get my hands on. And I got my hands on harder stuff after I became disabled. This period in my life feels like static. I was happy I think, but my brain didn’t process anything at all. Like I was stuck in time where days didn’t have a beginning or end. Getting therapy was so difficult, I had to do everything myself, and with family who denied what happened to me, or blamed me for it.. it was hard.

I moved out, I got therapy, I got in an accident on my bike after a fight with some friends on my way home, I got swerved and I wasn’t wearing a helmet. I suffered head trauma for the 3rd time in my life and I got amnesia for the past two years. I didn’t know where I was, who my friends were, how to do my job. And I felt better. I felt relieved and happy to be able to start over. I would get flashes of fear, and pain, and sadness, but they felt like scenes in a movie I couldn’t remember the title to. I worked through these things with my therapist and I was finally able to get medication for my multitude of issues. I was so happy I cried.

Regular therapy and antidepressants and exercise and living away from people that hurt me helped me even out. Outwardly I “healed” from everything. I thank the car accident for lessening my burdains, even though it makes me feel like a stranger in my own home, in my own body. I finished up my 2 years of therapy and now I only go in for an evaluation of how I’m coming along. I can look normally for the most part, my hands have healed up that I can draw semi-regularly, and my addictions have subsided I don’t hurt myself anymore. I still get nightmares, but they will never really stop, I don’t wake up crying or anything.I’ve made peace with the things I’ve destroyed, and I’ve forgiven the people that broke me. But recovery is not a straight road. It’s going to get worse again, and I’ll have to be alone when it happens. Maybe that’s why I’m still scared of waking up every day… because I’m always bracing for something to happen to reset my progress and push me back 10 steps. I guess that’s the price I pay.

[tethered-heartstrings]

Have you ever talked about your writing process?

I probably have but i can share it again!

It's long so I put it under the cut!

I start with an idea and write it down as soon as I can. I'll add details or scenes/imagery I want to see and maybe even quotes or bits of dialogue I want to use. doesn't need to be linear, just need to Get The Idea Out so I don't forget anything.

Often times I will talk to a mutual about an idea. in explaining the idea, the story comes more alive. because in my own head I can see the "in between" pieces so my own notes can be a bit choppy. but having to tell someone else, for them to see the vision, I give more details. such as why I chose a certain line or how something in the beginning connects to something later in the story. even if it doesn't have plot and is a pwp, I can still explain what I see in my head in a very clinical sense. inevitably, whoever I told hypes me up and the excitement adds to my momentum. they can also ask clarifying questions that help me explain a detail better and more fully develop the idea beyond some bullet points bouncing around in my head. I do this to varying degrees; the more plot, the more I tend to elaborate. sometimes them asking a question gives me an idea to add something new I hadn't thought of before.

I also keep a list of my fic ideas on a private and personal discord, categorized by sfw/nsfw. then in each channel (one for each fic), i can add my notes and rambling ideas, images, quotes, etc (including from dms of mutuals I have told) and have them all in one place so I can refer to it alter and am not relying on my memory.

Once I have that, I open up a new document leaving space for a title and tags to be filled in later. rarely does a title come to me immediately. then I write a rough plot summary. it's very much like "this then that then this" without much detail or emotion. very much a river of thought as the story starts to paint itself. this makes sure that I have somewhere to go if I blank out. the store is "written" from start to finish, there is no guess work on what will happen next so I don't get stuck. usually a plot summary is about 10% of the length that the finished fic will be. This one I developed later and has helped me IMMENSELY. because, for example, I once started a fic with a really solid idea but no end goal. I ended up writing 77k and I've basically abandoned it because I have no idea how to finish it, so I am stuck. It would have been a lot less work for me if I had planned it out fully. I tend to not do this for pwps; those kind of write themselves. I get an idea of a particular trope/scene I want to see and write until I get there.

After that, I go line by line and flesh it all out. instead of "will went to bed and had a nightmare", I describe the room, his fear, the nightmare itself, his thoughts about it etc. as the story develops, the original plot summary can change as a new idea can spark. I almost always add a scene or change one dramatically in this stage. The trick to this is I don't stop and go back. I don't let myself edit, I just get the story done. It helps keep momentum and the next scene fresh in my mind. editing slows me down and is my least favorite part and can be discouraging. But if I just go from point A to B to C in one go, then the likelihood it gets finished goes up dramatically.

That is like the first "bulking" of the fic, adding the first several layers of detail. I then go to the top and read through it again, adding even more detail, changing words around if I use one too much, etc. This stage often adds more bulk to the story but not as much as the last stage. sometimes it adds a lot, like priest fic first stage was 18.5k, but with editing it became almost 28k.

Once I feel a fic is actually done and nothing needs to be added, I start to microedit. Nothing more than a sentence gets changed at a time, and my goal is to find tense, spelling, grammar, punctuation errors. more fine toothed comb. I also have my fic and a blank document side by side so I can add tags as I read through it so I don't forget something.

Usually in writing the fic, a title kind of just Happens. sometimes I need to really think about it, and I will often write several down and get opinions. Once I have a title (or deciding between some), complete tags, and a fic, I send it to my beta reader. another set of eyes is SO extremely helpful, and not even just for small errors I missed. some things that made sense to Me need more clarification because my beta reader can't read my mind. and if they are confused, readers likely will be, too. I also can ask if chapter breaks make sense or where they should be.

As I wait for my fic to be returned, or sometimes in procrastination of writing it, I start to find images for a tumblr post. If its a full fic, I like to make a moodboard, and share this with my beta reader too. If it's a pwp, I tend to use just one image. Soooometimes I make/find the images before I even write it lmao. Then I post it, make a tumblr post, and link to my ao3.

I also don't post until my fic is DONE. I am so impatient sometimes but with my first Hannibal fic, I was posting as I was writing and for me, it was really stressful not really knowing when it would end and what would happen next. I am happy and lucky it turned out and became a cohesive fic in the end, but that process was Not Ideal for me.

Not all ideas happen, though. some are more exciting to think of or talk about than to actually make happen. some I know will be long fics/a lot of work/take a lot of time so I hold off on those until I can give them more attention and time. Others take over my entire brain and I cannot rest until it is done.

[genderqueerpositivity]

(TW: gender dysphoria, mental illness, HRT, medication, transphobia, ableism, possibly internalized ableism and transphobia.

This is a lot so read at your own risk.)

Being on testosterone has been such a major thing for my mental health. I'm what, a year and four months on testosterone now? I only really started to understand the full impact of the dysphoria once it began to ease. I am incredibly grateful that HRT has done so much to improve my life and I'm grateful to have access to it, while I can.

I can't even fully express the difference that being on testosterone has made for me.

At the same time, it's also become (even more) obvious over the past year that a lot of my mental health issues are...not dysphoria. HRT wasn't a "magic pill", so to speak. My issues were also not "just depression and anxiety", but have been incorrectly diagnosed as such for a long time, including by myself.

The first time that I really attempted to address this last year, it went badly. I was struggling and desperate for someone to understand, and having that pain dismissed put me off the idea of asking for help again, for months.

But I finally did again this week. I have a possible name for what I've been going through. And I'll be starting a new medication shortly.

I'm mentally ill.

I'm mentally ill and I'm trans.

My neurodivergence has already been used against me in the past to invalidate my transness. What will happen if I am potentially being given an even more stigmatized label?

This will absolutely be information that I'm not sharing with my HRT provider (even though I've been with their practice long enough that I legitimately don't believe it would change anything)...but is this going to stand in the way of me having gender affirming surgery later?

On some level I'm also afraid. I know my gender. I know that I'm trans. But there is also this quiet fear I can get rid of that I'm going to start this medication and somehow discover that my transness was some kind of 12+ year long delusion. Which is terrifying in a way I can really explain. It's like the very first time that I started antidepressants and was afraid that my entire personality would change and I would be someone else entirely. It's unlikely and frightening at the same time.

I have been desperately trying to get my shit together for months now and I know that this is a necessary first step. The amount of stress I've been under since last fall has definitely played a role in things getting as rough as they have. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I have other appointments to make and such, prescriptions to fill and somehow make myself take on time everyday.

Overall I'm not really surprised by anything that's happened. I am a little embarrassed of having to share the worst of what happens in my head with a total stranger. I'm a little afraid of what the new medication will do to me, I'm a little bit scared.

I'm also hopeful that it might work. And relieved to finally have done something about this.

[imtrying-butimpissed]

Anyways I went to my parent's house to house sit and ended up stepping on the scale for the first time in who knows how long. I'm a fucking idiot. Really not smart on my part. That place was really bad on my mental health growing up, so going back there sort of.... Reheated those old ways of thinking. So I did it. I weighed myself.

I'm at my highest. Legitimately.

1. I don't like that number on the scale.

2. My body doesn't look how I want it to look.

3. I don't care enough to do anything about it.

So I'm still on top. I acknowledge I'm not exactly happy where am physically, and I move on with my day. I notice it, I shrug, I go do whatever I wanna do.

It's fucking sweet. I honestly never EVER thought I'd get to this. Have a body I used to despise, be in a body I don't particularly like, see a number that would ruin me, and being able to just shrug it off like it never really mattered. Best feeling ever. Holy shit. It just doesn't fucking MATTER ANYMORE. Can I get a W in the chat.

On a less cool note, my coworker put his dog down today. I babysat that dog a lot, loved them. It's been rough. It's brought up a lot of pain from when I put my own dog down, absolutely excruciating. By far the worst thing I have ever been through. And I've been though enough to put anyone in therapy, but man.... Putting down my dog fucked me up majorly. And it's just bubbling up again, the sadness and pain and fear. Reliving it all. Getting nightmares again too.

I haven't gone grocery shopping in weeks. Dreading it for some reason.