#i would like to do a research essay on the topic i'm writing on! make us do a research essay! do literally anything but what you decided!!

[camellia-thea]

screaming crying biting

[cripplecharacters]

Hi! : ) You guys are amazing.

Sorry if this is stupid or offensive but i have a question regarding terminology describing facial diference/ disability

So my first language/ the language i write in is not english so while the terminology post is helpfull since i can translate it/ use it as a genereal guide in what to look out for it does not cover everything. I am sorry if this falls into the category of research question but how do i find good resources for terminology in my own language/ make sure its a good resource with the terms people with facial diferences in my country prefer? Its hard since my country is small and not great when it comes to ableism so there is not many resources availibel in the first place.

The second is a bit more specific. I want to include a character with cleft palate in the wider supporting cast, or at least in the background. So not a mayor/important character I can't spend much time describing them and i dont want to center their description on their facial diference. The term for cleft lip in my language literaly translates as "hare lip" into english whic is...yeah. Its probably not an uniqe case either. There might be some better term for it but i have not been abel to find it and i am not sure there is anything thats not overly medical. If that is the case should i use the medical term instead even if its jarring and include what it describes in a footnote? Does the mod team have sugestions on what else to do in this situation/ similar ones I probably will find myself in? How do i handel ableism thats literaly the integral part of my language. How do i catch terms that have ableist/ bad conotations bejond the basics since it is less called out over here i might not even notice its problematic? I dont want to make the issue any worse, further normalise bad terms by not caring about terms.

I thank you, so much in advance.

Hi! No such thing as a stupid question.

I'll just say that I very much relate to these issues considering my native language calls congenital disabilities “innate flaws” : ) so;

As for first question:

The first step would be to check if there are any organizations/groups that have resources in your language about facial differences, or checking if some international orgs have translations of their pages where they talk about facial differences. Moebius Syndrome Foundation has a page on face equality in 8 languages (+ English).

If there aren't any (high probability that this is the case unfortunately), try to see if there are any advocates for face equality that write in your language and what do they use (and in what contexts!).

If you still have issues, there's always the ultimate beauty of writing - making words up! When there's nothing you can use as a reference, the best way is to just create the word that you need. I'm aware that it could be hard to figure out what's appropriate and not accidentally offensive or insensitive, but your good intentions and putting care into it are already doing a lot of the work for you.

I really like this essay - which is about a very different disability-related topic - that asks a great question in this “how do we make [language thing] good for disabled people?” sphere: what feels beautiful? What term do you feel like sounds nice and not othering or pointlessly medicalized? Because honestly, if I encountered an invented word for facial differences in my native (very non-English) language and the explanation behind it was “I thought it sounded pretty” then I'd take it. Always better than “gross deformity” that many consider neutral without thinking about it at all.

Obviously the easiest way would be to ask someone who speaks your language and has a facial difference, but I'm aware that not everyone has that possibility - still, it could be a good idea to reach out to your local disabled community if you're able to. Or just ask on whatever social media is popular where you live!

You can also send us what is the language that you're having this issue in - despite the blog being very America-centric and English-only, a lot of us speak different languages and might just happen to know the one!

Second question:

First thing I'll address is that cleft palate and cleft lip are two separate things. They are often lumped together because they very often co-exist together, but a person could only have one of them.

Cleft palate hasn't, AFAIK, been referred to as a harelip anywhere, so I'm going to assume the question is about a cleft lip.

There's a few options as to what you can do here, in my opinion;

you describe the cleft lip without using any specific term (“they had an opening/a faded scar on between their upper lip and their nostril”);

the character calls it by the medicalized term* because that's what their doctor has told them, and they could mention how awkward/long/difficult to say/no one knows what it is/etc. the word is;

the character is self-aware and points out that the term “harelip” is weird as hell to say about a person when someone refers to it as such;

or, again, you make a word up. The word “lip” probably has to stay for clarity's sake, but try to replace the animal part with something: cleft, split, parted, fissure, opening, etc.; You can also check how other terms with “cleft” are called in your language: cleft chin, cleft palate, cleft hand/foot, etc.;

or you can make up a word fantasy-writer style and describe a cleft lip but give it a completely new name that fits the setting more - [Name]'s lip, [Some sort of deity]'s blessing, you can kinda do whatever (take a look at the Terms That Suck guide below first though!).

*my go-to way of finding the medical term is going through English Wikipedia (yeah, I know, but it works for this) and switching the language to the one I need. The cleft lip and palate page has 55 languages, so there's a chance it's on there - if it is, you might potentially find a nicer synonym in the “other names”.

Now for my (very personal) guide on catching if a term Kinda Sucks because doctors have some... tendencies in how they name various conditions:

does it use a word that is just a synonym for evil, or otherwise immoral or broken?;

does it have an animal connotation? (hares, wolves, elephants, fish... there's so many...);

does it have a monster/fantasy creature connotation? (i.e., Donohue syndrome being called leprechaunism, Hypertrichosis being called Werewolf disease, etc.);

does it just sound rude? (my native language uses the word “maw” to mean cleft palate, which I find to be fucked up);

is it straight up racist and/or xenophobic? (like most of the historic words for syphilis were just “[nationality] disease”).

There's obviously nuance to everything (“vitiligo” is considered neutral, despite being derived from the word for “blemish” in Latin) but as a vague framework I find these to be useful. Again: what feels good or neutral will probably be the better option over “animal face disease”.

I hope this helps!

mod Sasza

[butternutsquashthesenutz]

RWRB hcs probably pt. 1-

•After they get married everyone (mostly June and Nora) started calling Alex princess. Like, "shut up, princess"

•Henry has read MANY fanfics and written several of his own. This includes a secret five chapter story about him and Alex that stays hidden in the depths of his computer

•I know Taylor Swift is a controversial topic in this fandom, but you cannot tell me Henry "queer historian, writer, and dramatic gay boy" would not jam out to and cry over ts songs alone in his room

•David loves cuddling with Alex, and Henry calls him a traitor, but really he finds it adorable

•Alex has definitely brought some feral animal home that he found on the street hoping to save it and raise it as a pet, and then Henry made him give it to the shelter and he cried all night

•June and Nora get a cat. That's it. They're just cat moms

•When Pez, June, and Nora are all in the same place, they are most likely gonna sleep together

•Phillip gets better and he and Henry are able to work on mending their relationship after Mary dies and neither of them have to deal with her manipulation and abuse

•Alex posts lots of thirst traps, and Henry dies every time

•Alex calls Henry lots of pet names I'm Spanish, and also just in general talks to him a lot in Spanish. Henry has very low understanding of what Alex is saying for the first couple years, but he still melts

•Henry eventually tries to learn Spanish and after a while he can carry a conversation. Oscar often makes fun of his pronunciation though

•Alex is an apple user Henry is an android user. They argue about it often

•Alex's shit got rocked when Hamilton came out. He saw it 10 times

•They continue to have a New Year's party for several years after Ellen leaves office.

•They have a daughter and a son, the son is Henry and June's biologically, and the daughter's Alex and Bea's biologically. Both are referred to as aunt though. Also they used IVF not sex, just to be clear.

•When Alex turns 35, a petition is spread around social media trying to get him to run for president. It gets double the needed signatures, but he doesn't end up running.

•Alex usually tops, but not always. Henry is usually more dominant though.

•I know in cannon Bea gets married to someone (presumably a man) but I hc that she's also gay and meets a girl whose picking her friend up from and na meeting. (Idk, I have a whole story set out for Bea's love life)

•Not really a hc, but Henry has def ridden Alex while wearing a cowboy hat

•Pez always buys the children of the super six super lavish and expensive gifts when ever he visits, and becomes the favorite of the aunts and uncles

•After their first fight once married, Alex has a huge panic attack thinking they won't make it together, but Henry calms him down and it doesn't happen again

•Zhara and Shaan have a daughter who is the scariest little girl in the world. Alex is legitimately scared to get on her bad side.

•David has his own insta account and he has many photos in little outfits

•Henry and Alex write letters to each other every time one of them has to go somewhere for work, just for old times sake

•Henry's first novel absolutely kills all the queer teens, and is basically that universe's RWRB

•Alex often steals Henry's Jaffa cakes and won't ever admit it. Henry knows, and he finds it adorable

•Ever so often Alex will get super into some new topic and do loads of research, and write essays or make presentations on it and then share it with Henry so he can teach him everything he now knows.

•Lowkey canon, but Henry's a Maurauders era fan

•He's also a Tumblr girly and has had a secret blog for years

•The super six do slideshow nights, here's an example of one of those nights: Henry: People from History You Didn't Know Where Queer, Nora: The Statistical Likelihood of Each of Us Releasing a Rap Album, Pez: Rating Everyone's Exes, Bea: The Most Embarrassing Stories About Henry I Can Think of, Alex: Hottest Politicians Around the World, June: The Most Embarrassing Stories About Alex I Can Think of (Her and Bea worked together)

•Occasionally Henry will use an American term (like saying chips when he meant crisps) and Alex will use a British term (like jumper instead of sweater), and both get very upset when it happens (whoever didn't slip up finds it hilarious)

•They joke around whenever a gossip site releases an article about their relationship, like, "oh look, I've apparently left you and headed back to England after you cheated on me" "oh, good for you, that was a rude thing for me to do"

[dorotontheglow]

Structure for Improvement

Having tried different systems over the years, I have realized that I improve the best in a structure. Having a routine, knowing what I need to do and when I need to do it helps me a lot. However, with improvement knowing isn't enough unfortunately, it is the first step. What's important is taking action. And today, I wanna share some of my routines that I'll be following for improvement!

MY WORKOUT ROUTINE

I love the body weight lifting gives people so that's what I have been doing for quite sometime now but the problem is that I don't really have a routine for it. Some weeks I lift weights for five days and some weeks it's two days. I have seen results, nevertheless, but it is something I wanna do constantly as I have bigger body goals aesthetically. So here's the routine I'll follow:

Monday : Arm workout (Weight lifting)

Tuesday : Arm + leg workout (Weight lifting)

Wednesday : Ab workout (Weight lifting)

Thursday : Rest due to school

Friday : Rest due to school

Saturday : Leg + ab workout (Cardio)

Sunday : Full body (Weight lifting)

Plus, walking or biking once the weather gets a little better<3

MY LEARNING ROUTINE

This is, perhaps, what I struggle with the most. Years in the education system ended up making me burnout. I couldn't learn anything for the sake of learning it. I always had to learn something that would be useful for my studies in school. However, this has to change. I have so many things that I'm interested in and so many things I want to learn that it would be unfair to myself to not create a learning routine. (Not a studying routine, but a learning routine! Completely different in my eyes.)

Every week, I will choose a topic to do research about. I will read books and articles. I will watch videos, interviews, documentaries etc. I will try to learn as much as possible about the topic that I am interested. And then write an essay (2000 -2500 words) about it at the end of the week.

Another learning goal is learning a language. I have been trying to learn Korean and Spanish back to back which I couldn't for years! So frustrating. But for the past few months I have been learning Spanish and it's going really well. Learning a new language is really important to me because I am a language student and it's an essential personality trait of mine. So it hurts me when I get lazy or unmotivated about it. I haven't decided on my routine yet but it will probably look something like this:

Monday : Learn 10 new words + a grammar topic

Tuesday : Learn 10 new words + watch a Ted Talk in Spanish

Still a work in progress!

MY SELF-CARE ROUTINE

I think every one of these routines are under the umbrella of self-care but for the sake of giving a name to this category, I'm going to call it the Self-Care Routine.

This routine includes:

My at-home laser hair removal routine and

My skincare routine

I am starting at-home laser hair removal treatments, again... I have realized that I had spots on my legs that don't really grow hair from previous treatments so I decided to try it again. I will shave every Saturday and do the treatments on Monday. Places include : Legs, tummy, private parts.

I already have a skincare routine that I follow somewhat religiously. But I do experiment with products and I still haven't perfected it. There is an egg white face mask I bought that works really well so I'll be doing it three times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

Right now, these are the core routines and as I'm following them, I will add or remove things accordingly.

[max1461]

Regarding the culture on here (and twitter) being overly concept-centric; people having a tendency to view particular things as being mere instantiations of concepts as opposed to concepts emerging from the particulars of life:

It's like, whether it's therapy jargon or Bayesian reasoning or Marxist analysis, people on here really seem to love analyzing everything through some kind of established frame. Often the frame is constantly rotating. When social justice was tumblr's épistémè it used to constantly pick up new frameworks, and still the rationalists are always picking up on some new framework (or rolling their own). There's always a new framework du jour.

Nobody just looks at shit and decides independently what they think of it. Nobody just has specific, isolated, personal opinions about this or that particular topic. It's all tied into some established body of theory. Or at least, when people do just look at shit and come to an independent opinion, they feel the need to articulate it in reference to some established body of theory.

I hate this! I can't express how wrong I think this is in terms of like, being a productive way to engage with the world. Like, this kind of social theorizing... whether Marxist, rationalist, or psychiatric... it should be secondary. It should be something you put in an essay or research paper, and not something you live your life by. Why? Well there are a lot of reasons. Models, even accurate models, are necessarily simplifications of reality. In your actual lived experience you have the kind of direct knowledge of a situation that makes this sort of theorizing superfluous. And more humanistically, subordinating the actuality of your life, your human interactions, etc. to like... static, lifeless ideas... it sucks! Why would you do this!

There are epistemic problems with social theorizing in general too, but that's not even the point, that's beside the point.

Before anyone is a proletarian, an autistic narcissist, a Bayesian agent... they are an individual, they are the person in front of me, right? Before any of my actions are elements of any system or pattern, they are my specific actions, taken in some moment to some specific end. All the concepts are secondary. The real world is actual.

Right? Right?

This is not really a fact claim so much as an... emotional claim? I am claiming the correctness of some specific outlook or way of relating to the world, not some specific set of facts. And actually I think there's a lot of value in the concept-first way of relating. I certainly don't want to embody it, to me it seems awful, sterile, frightening and lonely. But some people don't feel that way, they love it, and that's great on its own, and beyond that: through their way of engaging with the world they clearly produce all sorts of concepts that I and others like me would never think to produce, and some of those concepts are bound to turn out to be nonsense but some will turn out to be worthwhile, and there you go. There is value in being a uh... a conceptualist, I'm going to call this worldsense "conceptualism". But I don't want to be one. Or be expected to act like one, as is the implicit expectation on here. I want to be an actualist. I am an actualist.

See look. Even here I'm framing things in terms of concepts. I'm behaving now as a conceptualist. I don't do this naturally. But it's impossible not to write for your audience. It's impossible not to speak to your audience. Some people can do it but not me. Speech, for me, inherently involves a model of the other, and I cannot speak but specifically to the other I model. And on here, the other is conceptualist, so I behave as a conceptualist.

[girl-in-the-mirrorbluenight]

Okay I've been thinking about this pretty much all day since I saw the hbomberguy and then todd in the shadows video i just have so many thoughts. While I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Video Essayist™ (I've only made a few over the years) as a youtuber and someone who has made video essays i definitely have more experience than the average person. There are so many things that stand out to me about this whole debacle i dont even know where to start.

First I want to just give a little insight into the process for making video essays from people who've never given it a shot and just how absurd it is to do the type of plagiarizing James has done. Video essays take a fuckton of research, even for pretty simple topics, but on top that you also have to make them with the medium of video in mind. it's really not enough to just take an essay you would write for a class and read it out loud. the flow is different, you have to have accompanying visuals, often background music, etc. They're a beast to make. My Twisted video for which i used literally two sources for my research (Sondheim's books and the musical Twisted) still took days of thorough reading, note taking, watching the musical, watching the musical again, watching the musical and taking notes, cross-referencing my notes, etc. For videos that synthesize multiple sources or are covering multiple pieces of media, that time goes up exponentially. Then there's writing, recording, gathering clips (often one of the most difficult parts depending on how obscure what you're talking about is), and editing. Even for a silly video like my Glee video, I still had to do a ton of research to make sure I was getting things correct, and that was a funny tier list about freaking Glee! There is just no way you could come up with a thorough analysis by just copying and pasting. Which brings me to my next point.

I think James may have thought (or more likely rationalized) what he was doing as analysis based on like the vaguest definition. When you do any kind of analysis, what you're doing is taking research from multiple different places (news articles, primary sources, existing analysis, etc.) and coming to your own conclusions, whether that's a synthesis of those different sources, or applying it to a specific thing like a movie. Really simple example is my Twisted video where I take Sondheim's writing and apply it to a specific piece of media (in this case Twisted). I'm using existing work but coming to my own conclusion. In the Spies Are Forever video, I took existing research about the Lavender Scare and the Hays Code, including primary sources from the time period, and applied it to the musical Spies are Forever. What James seem to do is take a bunch of existing scholarship, copy and paste it all together and then come to a "conclusion" that was not actually his own original thoughts but either "facts" he completely made up or something that didn't do anything to actually link his other "sources" together. I can see why it has the veneer of analysis, but making up a random "fact" you think might be true is not the same as a drawing a conclusion based on research.

I also think Todd made a really good point in the part about England's propaganda campaign against Italy around 9:30 that it's just really bad video making to not include examples of images from this so called propaganda campaign. I have a ton of examples of news clips, government reports, etc. in my SaF video about the Lavender Scare because...it was a real historic thing that happened! If something was supposedly so widespread and not even that long ago, you can probably find evidence of it somewhere. Kaz Rowe (who is also linked in the queer creators playlist on hbomberguy's vid) talked about this a lot in their video about tiktok misinfo where people often make these outrageous claims but the thing is if something so outrageous happened (like people constantly shitting on the floors of versailles), other people at the time would probably be talking about it somewhere. It's a big red flag when someone makes such bold claims and has no evidence to back it up.

Putting this last section under the cut because I go talk about WWII, Nazis, and HIV/AIDS a bit (watch Todd's video for some more context) so if you don't want to see that post is over here.

Lastly I wanted to talk about something else Kaz brings up in a lot of their videos when talking about historical topics and that is the tendency to dehumanize people of the past, often as unwashed, unintelligent masses who would just do any ridiculous disgusting thing because they were so stupid and disgusting. There are a lot of things to criticize about the people of the past and their actions obviously, but we cannot forgot that they were in fact, people. Real individual people with their own lives and dreams and ambitions and individual opinions and they have never been and never will be a monolith. Claiming anything is broadly true of "the victorians" or "the ancient egyptians" or whatever other vague historical group you want to talk about is usually a lot more nuanced than "they all thought or acted in this one particular way". I'm certainly not a historian and i've only done one history focused video but James Somerton seemed to make a lot of broad historical claims in his videos that I think fall into this trap.

The one that stood out most to me in Todd's video was the claim about Nazi body standards which is a whole mess in general that Todd goes into for a while, but the way he talks about WWII soldiers was just like...weird. Besides the fact that a lot of his claims about Nazis seem to be bordering on glorifying them and their aesthetics (gross), I think we should remember that WWII was less than a century ago. There are still over 100,000 surviving WWII vets in the US. My grandfather who was in the Army during WWII (he didn't serve overseas but he was an enlisted soldier I can literally look up his enlistment records in the national archives online) was a real person who I obviously knew personally and who died fairly recently. To think he enlisted because he was jealous of German fitness or whatever and wanted to prove how tough Americans are is an absolutely hilarious thing to think if you knew him. I'm sure there are as many reasons for enlisting as there were enlisted soldiers. When James talks about even as relatively narrow of a group as "WWII American soldiers," he's still talking about a very large group of real and diverse people and to make such broad claims that "most" or even "a lot" of them were just so taken in by strong german physiques or whatever is frankly insulting. I haven't watched the entirety of James video so maybe he does address this at some point, but from the clips I've seen it seems very generalized and implies some level of racism when WWII soldiers in fact included a lot of racially diverse people. IDK, i think if you're a supposed historical researcher and you're making a video about WWII and you don't know about groups like the Tuskegee Airmen or the Navajo Code Talkers, that's on you. I don't want to discount some of the really horrible shit that American (and obviously other countries) soldier's did in the war and how many of them held disgusting views (even my grandpa who I love dearly was not the most politically correct person to put it lightly) but Jame's claims are not criticizing any real ideology or the consequences of them, they're oversimplifying complex and harmful historical ideas and attributing them to something he pretty much made up. I'll also give you a little hint about something. When people fall into Nazi ideology, it's because they ultimately agree with the ideology, not for some surface level aesthetic reason of "fitness" or whatever. They are antisemitic, they are racist, they are eugenicists, plain and simple. They don't just think the Nazis are cool except for all their beliefs. I also think (and again I could be missing a part of the video here) the hyper focus on the Germans and the Soviets and not mentioning Italy is at the very least an oversight too. Mussolini, like Hitler and Stalin, had a pretty big campaign of promoting an ideal strong race which he tied to ancient Romans. Like this was also a country controlled by a fascist dictator that American soldiers fought in idk it just seems weird to me to leave it out. (okay edit i looked up the transcript and he does talk about Italian fascism a little bit but only about how Mussolini rose to power, nothing about his ideologies or anything really related to the main topic of body image).

And one more thing on that note that bothered me a lot. I think his claims about HIV/AIDS is probably the most well-known here on tumblr and has been pretty thoroughly destroyed by this point, but I do just want to say one more thing about it which is that AIDS isn't gone! I feel like they way he talks about it from what I've seen of this video makes HIV/AIDS sound like a problem of the past now that we have drugs for it, but that is just not the truth. There are still tens of thousands of new infections in the US each year and way more globally and yes, people do still die from it. I just don't like when people talk about AIDS as if it's this problem of the distant past, a separate era that people went through in the 80s rather than an ongoing epidemic that still does not have a cure. Safer sex, clean needle usage, and getting tested are just as important now as they were in the 80s and 90s and don't forget that.

[herrscherofmagic]

Maybe it's just me, but the parallels between Dr. MEI and Ruan Mei are getting to be quite concerning at this point...

so I decided to write up an essay talking about Dr. MEI and making some comparisons between her and Dr. MEI!

There are some spoilers for the new Myriad Celestia trailer featuring Ruan Mei, as well as some spoilers for some basic HI3rd Previous Era backstory, and especially spoilers for Chapter 31 EX of HI3rd.

TL;DR:

Dr. MEI and Ruan Mei both have similar origins in their interest for biology and understanding life, but it also seems that just like Dr. MEI, Ruan Mei seem to have shifted her interest towards understanding fundamental principles of the universe. In that sense, the two of them are both geniuses whose ambitions seem to include challenging the very idea of the "divine" itself.

...

Life is so colorful, but... it has nothing to do with me.

-Ruan Mei, Myriad Celestia trailer "Transcendent Ruan Tunes, Blushing Mei Blooms"

First off, I just want to be clear that I'm not going to be talking about whether or not Ruan Mei is a "Dr. MEI expy" or anything like that. I'm not trying to equate the two, but talk about their thematic/story parallels, because even if they were from different franchises, or Ruan Mei's name was totally different (heck even if her name was "John Smith" or something like that), I'd still make this post.

With that aside, there's the obvious similarity in that both are scientists, in particular both are associated with biology to an extent. The myriad trailer shows Ruan Mei being interested in biology when she was younger, and Dr. MEI also started off studying genetics and medicine.

But what interests me is that it seems like Ruan Mei is going down a similar path that Dr. MEI did, where she began curious about life and the cosmos but eventually grew to have different ambitions... including ambitions of what amounts to essentially challenging the divine.

There will be some Honkai Impact 3rd spoilers, including spoilers on the topic of Project Stigma, but I won't discuss specific events as they relate to the protagonists nor will I be covering any major story beats. Most of this will be backstory stuff, with there only being one particular spoiler towards the end regarding the true nature of Project Stigma. So consider this a blanket "spoiler warning" for the whole post, because a lot of the stuff I'll describe isn't so much specific moments in the story nor plot twists, but a lot of general background that can't really be easily blocked off into sections of spoiler-tagged content.

Slightly longer TL;DR:

Dr. MEI's character is that she's basically the Previous Era's version of the Current Era's "Raiden Mei". Similar appearance, and the name is a bit similar as well although there is a difference in the Chinese pronunciation, with Mei being "Yayi" (Chinese reading of her Japanese name, Mei) while Dr. MEI is pronounced just as "Mei". That's why MEI is spelled with all-caps in the English localization, since the difference is obvious in both pronunciation and text in Chinese but completely nonexistent in English.

Dr. MEI was a scientist and became involved with a lot of incredibly important projects in the organization Fire MOTH, but while most people pretty much adored her... she was also a very questionable figure which easily could've been one of Humanity's greatest threats if it weren't for the more pressing threat of Honkai.

The biggest parallels I see between her and Ruan Mei are the way that both of them seem to have their roots in biology, but just as the Myriad Celestia trailer hints at Ruan Mei having bigger ambitions, so too did Dr. MEI move on from a focus on biology and genetics, expanding her research to cover phenomena in physics but especially research on Honkai.

In particular, while the Myriad Celestia trailer hints that Ruan Mei may wish to become an Aeon, Dr. MEI's most ambitious project had the goal of uniting all of humanity into a singular dream, a process that would effectively destroy any sense of individuality and turn the collective human civilization of Earth into a being of pure Imaginary/Honkai energy and thought. Whilst this entity might not have been quite as powerful or universal in scale as an Aeon, relative to the scope of Dr. MEI's research (Dr. MEI being isolated to Earth, vs. Ruan Mei who can travel between worlds courtesy of the Star Rail) I think it's a fair comparison with Ruan Mei's apparent goal. If Dr. MEI were in Ruan Mei's place, I think it's very plausible she'd continue to walk down the same path. This doesn't mean that Ruan Mei will do everything that Dr. MEI did, far from it; but I do imagine there are going to be some serious parallels in what they seek to achieve and the extent to which they're willing to do questionable things to achieve it.

Now that the 4-paragraph TL;DR is done, it's time for the rest of the post; because anyone who's read one of my Honkai/Genshin essays before should know by now that I'm very much a "0 or 100" writer with no inbetween, and this is definitely the latter, lol

Also apologies for the various long texts I'm citing here; unfortunately we don't have a pretty animation with cool music to give us an overview of Dr. MEI, so I'm gonna have to go the old-school route of poring over text-based archive entries and manga pages, since that's most of what we have >.>

My goal is to provide background on Dr. MEI, as well as her relation to Dr. Mobius. The two of them are very alike and yet very different in important ways, and I think the parallels between those two as well as the potential parallels between Dr. MEI and Ruan Mei can tell us a lot about what Ruan Mei could be capable of, and just how far her ambitions may stretch. After all the background on those two HI3rd doctors, I'll describe their relation to "Project Stigma", which should serve as a good transition to talking about Ruan Mei's apparent goal of "becoming an Aeon", or something along those lines.

Kevin and MEI

MEI was a human just like anyone else; she went to high school, she was a smart student, had some friends, etc. She was particularly passionate about science, often talking about the stars or physics, though biology was the interest that she seemed to follow most closely. In particular there was a scientist by the name of Dr. Mobius who she idolized, and was fortunate enough to meet at a convention.

Dr. Mobius was a leading geneticist who was famous for various groundbreaking discoveries, so naturally MEI was shocked when Mobius met her and showed interest in her, even having read one of MEI's papers. Some time after their brief and curious exchange, MEI would be invited to become part of an organization by the name of Fire MOTH, and it was at this time when she discovered the true nature of Dr. Mobius' work, as well as the existence of Honkai.

Dr. Mobius was famous for her academic research on the global stage, but within the organization of Fire MOTH she was rather infamous. She had seemingly no boundaries and she was often perceived as being unethical or immoral. Mobius was far from sociable, and despite her important contributions to Fire MOTH there were certainly many people who would prefer if they never had to meet her. And of course, she was no stranger to disciplinary notices and threats from the higher-ups. Someone too valuable to dispose of, but too "dangerous" to leave to her own devices. It was this Dr. Mobius that took in MEI and worked as her superior.

One of Dr. Mobius' most notable projects was Project Stigma. The very first version of Project Stigma was initiated by her, and MEI was chosen as one of her assistants. The goal of the Project was to experiment with "stigmata", genetic modifications to humans which can grant them the power to wield Honkai energy. But if a person's body is unable to control that power, they become entirely corrupted and lose their sanity (so in comparison with HSR, kinda like being marastruck, but as a result of an experiment instead of mara). As you can imagine, this didn't exactly help Dr. Mobius' image.

At first it seems that Dr. Mobius is the suspicious one here. Mobius is cunning and deceptive, while MEI is a rather kind and timid person, so while people would fear Mobius most weren't afraid of MEI at all. But Mobius herself became suspicious of MEI, noticing things about MEI that others would look past; like MEI's focus on her work and seeming impartiality towards the condition of the test subject in the above excerpt. This wouldn't be the only time we see this sort of suspicion as well, with Mobius confronting Kevin about MEI at another time:

It's about time you drop the good guy act, Kevin. I'm well aware that I've crossed the line. But what about your dear MEI? Is she any different from me? Oh, there's a difference. She's far crueler and colder than me - because she only makes rational choices. ... Pure rationality... is the real monster. You know that, don't you?

To give an example of why someone like Mobius would be suspicious of Dr. MEI, there's an excerpt of a conversation I'd like to share. The same MEI was once an assistant to Dr. Mobius would eventually rise to become one of the leading authorities of Fire MOTH, and this was not by chance, as this conversation between "X" (left unnamed to avoid spoilers) and Sakura indicates:

X: If I remember correctly, you crossed paths with the MOTHs when you were on a mission to assassinate Dr. MEI. Sakura: Yes. I wasn't holding out on it - you should be able to tell I'm no good at figuring out internal power struggles. Neither was Dr. MEI. She was awake to the tragic coming of Honkai, but she was a scientist. X: So... she wanted to pay them back in the same way with your help? Sakura: No. Dr. MEI was an unmatched genius... she's never fought that kind of battle, yet she was thinking far ahead of others. Her goal was to use me to expand her internal influence. X: I know this is usually done by force, but if she's all alone... Sakura: She had more helpers, of course. My first mission was to rebuild the covert forces. She wanted the darkest powers of the MOTHs for her own. ...To rebuild through destruction. I was officially invited after completing this mission.

This is the part where spoilers begin; the following two dialogues are from Chapter 31 EX of HI3rd.

There's a lot more I could say about Dr. MEI, but for the sake of whatever brevity is left to achieve, I'd like to go back to talking about Project Stigma. I emphasize this not just because of its importance in the story but also how inextricably linked it is with Dr. MEI. Though it was Mobius who first proposed it, Dr. MEI is the one who transformed it into something incredibly complex and world-changing beyond even what Mobius had envisioned for it:

Mobius: Fine, bickering is a waste of time. It's rare for us to get together. So this is a good time to discuss this Project Stigma that's been revised fifteen times. Seriously, MEI... ...Which side are you on? "Vill-V": Huh? Isn't she standing next to me? Mobius: Vill-V. "Vill-V": Come on, that was a joke! I know your question is serious- -That's why we need to ease up on it more than ever! ... MEI: Mobius, I only stand with civilization. Mobius: Hmph, a cliché to shut those old farts up? I'd hate to stress something as stupid as "I'm your senior"... But now that we're touching this topic... Dr. MEI, you're obliged to explain what you want to achieve with this plan. MEI: ...I see. In your opinion, I'm obsessed with Project Stigma. Mobius: Listen to yourself! You've forced me to revise this plan fifteen times! Fifteen times! MEI: As the solution with the highest success rate, it deserves to be taken seriously. We can never have too many entry points in the future, either. Mobius: Oh, really? That popular Project Ember hasn't even been written into a one-page plan. MEI: You know the attributes of that plan dictate that we implement it more specially. Mobius: Perhaps. But how can I not suspect that the other projects are only a foil to Project Stigma when they are treated so differently? "Vill-V": Um. There's one thing I don't understand. Even if that's true... isn't it you who proposed Project Stigma, Mobius? Mobius: I didn't imagine someone would see it as our only hope. MEI: It does sound ridiculous to you. I completely understand that. After all, there are many ways to redefine humanity. But Dr. Mobius... Humanity is only the cornerstone of civilization. I don't think you'll deny that humans are essentially more intelligent survival machines. We aren't fundamentally different from plants, animals, or microbes. Mobius: Heh. To be more precise, our mortal bodies are but vessels that our genes built for ourselves. So what? Whether its genetics or samsara, everyone has the potential to defy the Creator. Civilization? Compared to the miracles created by specific humans, is that thing even important? "Vill-V": But objectively speaking... the vast majority of humans can realize their potential. It'd be arrogant to measure all humans by a special case such as yourself, Dr. Mobius... MEI: Dr. Mobius. As members of the MOTHs, you and I are ultimately responsible for the whole of civilization. In that sense, compared to the life of an individual, the truth brought forth by life is a more essential existence. "Vill-V": In other words... Vill-V's talent is more important than Vill-V's identity? Ah. You can say that. Mobius: That's you. I don't plan on making another Mobius to replace myself. MEI: ...That's not important. Think about the relationship between children and parents, Dr. Mobius. Regardless of whether the inner worlds of two generations collide, human civilization is continued by the next generation. Regardless of whether their parents like it.

So, what did this "Project Stigma" transform into? The short answer would be that it basically became a Hoyoverse version of NGE's Human Instrumentality Project. The complete unification of all souls within humanity, creating a new form of existence far beyond what civilization can accomplish in the physical realm alone.

On the Imaginary Tree, worlds are created from Imaginary energy, and all life emerges from these worlds. Different beings are capable of manipulating Imaginary energy in different ways, with the smallest example being the day-to-day interactions of humans with the physical world, a step up being the Pathstriders which gain traits or power by being aligned with a Path, while the most powerful beings would be Emanators and Aeons which can use vast amounts of power to cause change in the physical world. By unifying all the "dreams" of the people on a planet, this would effectively create an entirely new world that exists within Imaginary Space but which is not bound to a physical location.

If you gather all the dreams of humans, you'll get a giant resembling a planet. A desert sage named it Adam Ruhani- which means Spiritual Adam. Adam Ruhani is one of the gods, but it's extremely far away from the others... That distance is what mortals call time. It's the late eternity, and a rift that can't be crossed with logic. It can't die, think humanly, nor reproduce... It simply exists forever as the ladder leading to divine realm. ...That's the real aim of Project Stigma. Be it gory or psychedelic, physical or spiritual- they're only means, not ends. The plan is essentially a chain that ties people who can't help themselves together. We can let them go with the flow, or help them within our power. For them, joining this dream is being helped- in their dreams, they are Adams, they are gods. The real world will lose its meaning for them, while the eternal dream will become their only reality. They no longer think with time... Their dreams will be connected, which will create a true miracle that transcends finality.

This is obviously a TREMENDOUS leap from where Project Stigma began when Dr. Mobius first started experimenting with stigmata, and this is why I wanted to give the whole story about Dr. MEI's origins. Again, this is "only" on the scale of a single world. Dr. MEI was an unparalleled genius of her time, and her studies across genetics and physics allowed for the creation of what was essentially a plan to rewrite the very existence of humanity into something which can forever sustain civilization in a world threatened by the existence of Honkai.

This is why these parallels with Ruan Mei have me worried. I don't necessarily suspect that Ruan Mei will necessarily be evil, nor do I think she is going to somehow turn the entire population of the Imaginary Tree into sentient orange juice. But there are a lot of parallels between the Ruan Mei and Dr. MEI, and if Ruan Mei ends up even being remotely like Dr. MEI, that could make her a very dangerous person.

They both seem to have had a strong background in genetics and biology, with that being a major focus in Ruan Mei's design and in the Myriad Celestia trailer. But while a lot of people talk about Ruan Mei being a biologist, the trailer also hints that she has further ambitions- possibly at becoming an Aeon. It seems that Ruan Mei is moving beyond what one would achieve staying within the realm of Biology, and just like Dr. MEI, she seems to be focused on higher powers.

I think we're far from being able to determine what Ruan Mei's exact goal is so far, since "becoming an Aeon" is a pretty vague statement, but it still worries me greatly. The thought of Ruan Mei somehow becoming an Aeon isn't concerning by itself, but rather what actions she might take to achieve that goal.

I'm concerned about what the collateral damage would be, and to what extent she is willing to consider others a part of her "experiments" regardless of whether they want to participate or not. Especially because Dr. MEI was limited to what she could accomplish on Earth, while Ruan Mei appears to have access to far more resources and far more opportunities for research. As someone from the Luofu (afaik) she should also have a longer lifespan. Ruan Mei is in a good position to far exceed what Dr. MEI could accomplish... for better or for worse.

I would love to say more on this topic, but obviously we'll learn more about Ruan Mei once she releases, and throughout the story as it goes on. It took years for the full scale of Dr. MEI's plans to be revealed in HI3rd, and I don't doubt the same will be true for Ruan Mei. Perhaps Ruan Mei's ambitions will align neatly with those of the Astral Express and Stellaron Hunters, or perhaps they may become the greatest threat to sentient life across countless worlds, second only to even greater powers like Nanook. We might be forced to put an end to her experiments, or perhaps we might end up aiding her further- willingly or not.

Whatever happens, Ruan Mei is Ruan Mei and Dr. MEI is Dr. MEI. These are two different individuals of different origins and who live different lives, and the story of Ruan Mei is sure to diverge greatly from the story of Dr. MEI. The parallels between them are equally fascinating and worrying to me, but it just makes me look forward even more to Ruan Mei's role in the story.

At first I was rather dismissive of Ruan Mei, especially because I haven't even started the Swarm Disaster stuff yet. I'm sure there are details I'm missing from there, and while that usually would make me hesitant to write such a long post about her, the Myriad Celestia trailer seems clear enough with its foreshadowing (I say now, only to be proven wrong later...) that I wanted to write this up anyways. I'm definitely looking forward to Ruan Mei now, and I would love to revisit this comparison between the two later on as we learn more about her!

[sotwk]

Writers Truth or Dare Ask Game - SotWK Answers

Link to game is HERE,

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

I was in 4th grade and my friends and I really wanted to date the Backstreet Boys. We discovered fanfiction was the most fun way to do it. We would write our lil’ self-insert love stories in notebooks that we would pass around and share. 

🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love

Pumped Up Pop. I’m a 90s kid and Pop runs deep in me. 

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I don’t think anything can be considered weird for a writer doing research anymore. But one thing I remember working extra hard on was researching how to pilot a jet for a Marvel action fic. That’s why I admire and commiserate with @scyllas-revenge for her helicopter piloting scene in BLCI. 

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? 

Mix of both. Reader Inserts to make others happy, OC fics to make myself happy. 

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

I would write an entire essay explaining this one, but in the SotWK AU, Elvenking Thranduil and Elvenqueen Maereth are metaphorical avatars for the Valar couple Oromë and Vána, and were destined to be such (as they were destined for each other). The qualities they each possess which make them similar to these Valar--Thranduil's strength and skill as a protector/warrior and Maereth's gifts for nurturing and fertility--are what safeguard and sustain Eryn Galen for thousands of years, holding their people fast even against Sauron.

🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis 

@talesfuzzy is constantly on my notifs since she likes so many of my posts on a daily basis. She also reblogs some of the best Tolkien content, which I often put into my own queue. We don't really talk, but she's like that friendly person you see on your daily commute whose name you might not know but you smile and nod to each other till they've become a comfortingly reliable part of daily life.

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

I would LOVE a thrilling action fic where Thranduil and all five Thranduilion Princes march into battle at the same time and completely crush the enemy because there is possibly no greater or more fearsome fighting team left in Middle-earth. However, such a plot would violate my own AU’s headcanon, because in Thranduil’s family, there is a hard rule that the Thranduilions can never all be fighting in the same battle at once; Thranduil simply refuses to risk his family that way. 

I would hire/nominate/beg @ass-deep-in-demons to write it. If you’ve read her fic, “Under Our Darkening Skies”, you’ll know she’s the top pick for incredible and cinematic battle scenes. 

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

I find myself reusing a lot of the same lines and expressions, especially when describing character emotions and actions. Sometimes I feel my writing is pedestrian and boring, especially compared to many other writers in the Tolkien fandom who have such eloquent, sophisticated styles and brilliant, creative word choices. I'm quite soppy and sentimental too, but that's just my thing. 

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

Sadly, I have not had a pet since my early 20s. I had plenty of them growing up, though, including my beloved yellow Lab. Once my kids are old enough to share in pet care duties, we are definitely getting a dog. 

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual?

Talk to me about my Thranduilion Princes, pretty please! (There are many easy ways to be Moots with me, but this is a guarantee and the fastest way!)

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

I am lucky and grateful to have a solid band of supporters, but I want to grab this chance to send a special shout out to @achromaticerebus. She has been a big supporter of my Thranduilion Princes since she discovered them early on, she comments on ALL my Thranduil/Thranduilion stories, she gushes about them to me and with me, and her enthusiasm just keeps me motivated. She is not herself a writer, and it's so rare to find a friend so willing to just be a reader and supporter, when there's really no way to “pay back” her kindness.

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Point out even just one specific detail or line of dialogue and tell me how it made you feel, your thoughts about it, or even ask a follow up question! I am most impressed when a Reader points out an Easter egg or interesting tidbit/headcanon/lore I included. I am over the moon when their comments show they are familiar with my other fics or my SotWK AU as a whole… it means they've really invested in my stuff.

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

I enjoy being wholly surprised (good surprises, of course), but I don't like being told “a surprise is coming” and having to then think about it or stress out until its arrival. 

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? 

A work-related reminder, which is boring. So I'm gonna answer this question by sharing something I wrote in my “Scratch Dump” document that I use for my headcanon drafting: Inscribed on the blade of the sword was Mirion’s personal oath to his people, written in Silvan: “Until my last breath, I will serve.”

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

It’s probably because I’m fairly new to it (and because I enjoy the song/video), but the concept of internet friends Rickrolling each other as a prank seems so funny and wholesome to me.  

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

I made a separate post answering this HERE.

Thank you to all my awesome friends who jumped in to send me these Asks! This was fun and made me feel good about myself as a writer. Love you guys! 

@lady-of-imladris @erathene @unethicallypleistocene @fishing4stars @Hobbitwrangler @quillofspirit @from-the-coffee-shop-in-edoras @niennawept @malzenn @melpomaenofimladris and that one Anon friend!

[batmanfruitloops]

Hi! Im having trouble with starting my first Batman AU and I love the one you two have so I was wondering if you have and tips or pointers of starting one? Like maybe how to introduce characters and such or how to start the story?

Im sorry if this was long or if its too much, have a great day/night!

I think it really depends on what you want out of it. I use this AU to practice skills for my career, such as writing, character-building, animating, etc. I listen to a lot of videos about every part of film production to help me better understand what to do. Especially things related to character. Even if your AU is just for fun, I think it's still a good idea to do a little research about writing. Observing your favorite movies and films helps a lot! I think animated films are a great teacher of storytelling! Especially Pixar films, since their philosophy is "story is king". Watching movies is just how I personally learn, you may have some other way of learning best so take all this with a grain of salt, I'm no expert I'm just very passionate about storytelling especially through animation (though in this case, it's storyboards/comics since that's what is possible right now).

Your characters are everything. I would suggest developing them as much as possible before you introduce them. They should feel like a real and complex person. They shouldn't feel like a robot that are only made to achieve their motivation. Sometimes simple things like "What are their favorite foods?" can start building them up as a person. They should have flaws, blemishes, strengths, hobbies, everything a living person should have. That way when you introduce them, you will have an easier time showing your audience who they are. First impressions are very important to characters, your audience should be able to understand what kind of person they are right off the bat. I think a good example is Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. The whole point of his introductory scene is to tell the audience "he is unpredictable and you will never know what to expect from him." Show don't tell is a very important rule to follow, don't tell your audience what to think.

For starting your story, you need to consider when it is. Is it at the beginning, middle, or end? You can put your audience anywhere in the story, so think about the optimal place they should be for the story to make sense. There are many different versions of Batman but they all begin in a different place of Batman's life. Some stories start at the beginning of him becoming Batman like The Dark Knight, and some start at the end of him being Batman like the Arkham series. It's up to you to consider at what point of your character's life the audience should be placed at.

To be honest, it's all up to you. What do you want? How do you want things to be done? This is all just a big case of "learn the rules to break the rules." Maybe you don't even want to learn the rules at all, and that's ok. It's important to remember to make what you want to see. Your art is for you. There is no right way, just some ways are more efficient than others. Let your soul make its messy finger paintings and enjoy the ride. Because more important than anything is the enjoyment of your work and the process. I have a hard time not being a perfectionist over this AU because it's what I want to do with my life. I want to tell stories. I have to keep reminding myself this is for fun, and it's ok if it's not perfect. It just has to be what I want to make. Honestly, I could ramble on and on about storytelling, so I'll save an 8-page essay (which I actually wrote on a similar topic for class). My DMs are open anyway if you want to ask anything else. I hope this was helpful!

I also agree heavily that your characters should feel like people. And along with that, pacing is really important. You don't want your story to feel rushed or lagging at any point. Like Fluffy said, it's always a good idea to reference your favorite materials. It's good to have moments that are just very real, for lack of a better word.

It's also important to understand your setting. The main focus may be the characters, but you want to make sure they feel present, and not just in a void. Establishing shots are really good for that, since it shows off a large area, then allows you to "voom in" and focus on where ever there's action happening. Reference photos are your best friend here. Use as many as you need, it'll only get easier with time. Which leads to another part of settings; if you're in a characters home/base what makes it theirs? Like how the Riddler usually has question marks and scribbles all over the walls, as well as generally being a mess. It gives you an immediate impression of how scatterbrained and paranoid he can be. In comparison, someone like the Penguin presents a clean, luxurious lounge that shows he means business. Whether or not a character is meant to go through a defining change, it's important that they stay true to themselves as a person. If they had trust issues before, they shouldn't trust someone without a reason. Or perhaps someone makes a mistake, that mistake should have consequences. I just think of this because there's a lot of cartoons where something will happen one episode only for it to be treated like it didn't happen in the next episode. Dialogue is also another important factor. Does that feel like something you could actually hear someone saying? Does the grammar make sense? If their natural pauses? This can be broken up from panel to panel, if it's in comic form. Depending, you can give characters different fonts to emphasize that they sound different, although I'm not an expert in that, it's just something I've seen before.

Again, pacing of characters talking (or thinking, etc.) is a must to be aware of. If spoke that aloud, does it feel rushed? Too slow? Are they giving enough context? As the writer, you know everything that's going to happen. Because of that, writing incomplete sentences can happen. That doesn't mean you have to explain everything in simple terms for everyone, just enough for it to make sense and feel real. If you're going for a comic, layout is another factor to consider. Read as many comics are you want. Stare at how it's set out, how everything flows from one panel to another, one page to another. I'm not much good at this one myself yet, so I just suggest looking at your favorite layouts and figuring out what about them you like. A bit of what I've learned is to consider what's happening. What I mean is, if everything is very straight forward, you can do a bunch of box panels, whereas if you're meant to feeling something along with a character, you can go more organic, there doesn't necessarily need to be boundaries in scenes like that, and a mix is generally good for most scenes. A whole establishing shot can be one page and do plenty.

I tend to ramble, and I have a lot of other stuff that I'm passionate about with writing and visual in comics/storytelling, like colors, symbolism, and lighting, and character design so my dms are also open for anyone who'd like is discuss more, :)

Fluffy and Sarsee

[kxowledge]

What makes a good review, in your opinion? And, related to your earlier post... whose reviews are you reading as inspiration/motivation? Do you have favourite literary magazine or essay collections with this type of writing? Thank you :)

probably not clear from the context, but I was talking about my diss, which is a literature review in the field of strategy and management so this is v specific (and i'd wager not what you intended? but i might be wrong, so here's my answer anyway)

what makes a good review is (1) interesting topic in actual need of a lit review* (2) comprehensive sample selection (3) new insight being generated (i.e. making a conceptual contribution + bringing attention to a different way of looking at things) and tangible new avenues of research proposed (i.e. including possible research questions and methodology). essentially, something that will reinvigorate the field by generating new interest & act as a reference for getting a good overview of it

I do have resources! again v specific to my field (so for example, these would not apply for lit reviews in the field of medicine which are v v different)

this article on integrative reviews (that's what I'm doing specifically, as opposed to a systematic review) these two articles on sample selection (1 + 2) this CBS course has a good reading list

++ for finding exemplars: International Journal of Management Reviews (IJMR) & AOM Annals are *chef's kiss*

* as a PhD student (in Europe at least), it's normal to have as part of the final dissertation one paper that's a lit review. this is great and it shows you know what you're talking about AND it serves the purpose of allowing you to learn about the topic itself. however, it doesn't mean that there is a need for a lit review outside of your diss/to be published. so for example, I fully expect to do a lit review at the beginning of my PhD but the point is that it will be helpful for me, I don't expect it to be helpful for others (i.e. it will not bring new contributions most likely

[hetalianhistorian]

Introduction

Hello, everyone! My name is Hetalian Historian and I am a dedicated fan and journalist on documenting all things Hetalia! Ever since getting into the series, I have developed a deep fascination for the franchise, the fandom, and the history itself behind Hetalia overall, including its ups and downs. The way I see it, is that Hetalia is like history itself, there is a certain kind of culture and past that I, personally, have never seen before and that has fascinated me. Thus, I am here to research, learn, journal, discuss, and archive all Hetalia related things as much as possible. Alongside that, it is also out of general love for the franchise, its characters, and contents!

Moving along, here is what you can expect from me to look into:

Writings discussing interesting aspects about Hetalia

Documenting Hetalia's history and its fandom

Official Content Archives

Fandom spotlights (including events, projects, fans, and etc.)

Official News

And more!

As of now, everything is a bit humble, but overtime I will refine the blog and my socials, especially for Youtube. Hopefully one day, I can convert my posts into video essays to allow for accessibility and reach, alongside original content, but until then it's going to be there for documentation purposes. If anyone is interested in following me on other platforms, I do have a linktree! (Just note I'll be mainly using the first four socials, the rest are accounts are dedicated for research use and occasional updates).

One final thing, it's important for me to note this is managed by one person and being accomplished out of my own free time. Everything about this project is completely personal and my sheer love for Hetalia. Even if this blog somehow finds an audience, I want to make it clear that at the end of the day, I am doing this for myself and out of my own personal enjoyment. Of course, I will be doing my best to update as much as I can, but eventually there will be a point where material runs dry, life gets in the way, or I somehow fall out of Hetalia. However, right now, I get to run this blog and I have the ability to find joy and fun within it, so I'll take the chance to see how far this can go!

I'm nervous, yet excited for what is to come! If you are interested in contributing to the blog, I am open for topic ideas, official and fandom news, findings, general help, questions, and more! The best ones to reach out to me would be through my Tumblr, Twitter, and Discord (@hetalianhistorian). Other than that, if you are a fellow Hetalian fan, I hope you'll stick around and the first essay post will be up soon!

And that's it! A cheers to the blog, Hetalia, and the new year! Thank you so much for reading.

- Hetalian Historian

12/28/2023

[da12thkind]

Tumblr and The Old Internet Re-Awakens, An Opinion Essay

This is going to be a super long post about my thoughts on the current state of the internet, with a chunk of what I'm about to say having been stuff I've already said elsewhere on other sites. To save your dash, I'll be putting a READ MORE break.

The fact that Twitter and Reddit have basically been destroyed by their own hubris is both hilarious and sad. It's funny because "ha ha rich man's hubris" but also sad because this is very emblematic of the current direction many social media companies that have been at the top for too long are going.

Ever since the muskrat purchased Twitter, it was clear from the beginning that something seriously wrong had happened, with worse decisions to follow. Something I hadn't realized was just how extensive the ripple effects of this would be. Reddit is now being destroyed by their leader's desire for more and more money, as if they needed any more.

I've been having this conversation with my friends via Discord and with strangers on the Starmen dot net forums. The writing is on the walls. The internet is moving towards a future that caters to advertisers more than its users. If there's even the slightest hint of getting more money by screwing over users, the higher ups of a given site will be chomping at the bit.

Where does that leave us?

Well, with Reddit and Twitter both now in a state of complete and total self-destruction, albeit rather slowly, we have seen an influx of new and returning users. Fantastic! I love when an old place gets new life breathed into it.

That being said, I don't believe that Tumblr is the bastion of The Old Internet, far from it, and many of you would agree.

Instead, I think that the resurgence in Tumblr's popularity could be just the first step towards the return of The Old Internet. We have the power to go back to the days of making our own websites. Information on web design and web programming are available online for free, in addition to many places offering free hosting services for a basic website or blog that don't need many bells or whistles (just don't go to GoDaddy).

Tumblr, in my opinion, once you know how to use the advanced editing tools, can make for a great "Baby's First Web Blog." There are some users on here that have made GORGEOUS blogs that will absolutely blow you away.

What about peer-to-peer communications?

We've seen that Discord has been another victim to the plague that is internet gentrification. They've removed the discriminators for usernames, had a store put in, and so many other little changes that have consistently annoyed the end users.

That being said... Discord is not going to be falling apart anytime soon. It's still a fantastic way to connect with many people at once and have quick access to all your different communities.

However, you could make the case, and I certainly try to, that internet forums fulfill the same thing. It is true that forums for many topics have drifted into the void of internet history, but is that not simply the nature of the internet? Communities sprout up, thrive, have an internal way, break apart, and start anew. We've seen that with many Discord servers, albeit rather small ones.

I will still hold my ground that forums should be revitalized if we truly want to go back to the days of old.

What does the future hold?

I... don't know. Despite my vast horde of opinions, research, and second-hand accounts of what The Old Internet was like and how The Current Internet is becoming, I cannot say for absolute certainty that we will see a total collapse of these tech empires. At the very least, however, I do believe that they will become hollowed shells of their former selves.

I have yet to talk about YouTube and its history, and, to be quite frank with you all, I simply must avoid that topic for now. All I will say is that I implore my fellow content creators, specifically those that create Video On-Demand content for YouTube and TikTok, to look into creating your own websites to host your content in the event that something happens to these empires, too. If you don't have offline copies of your videos, do so when you can.

That will be it for now. Thank you for reading this essay. I love your faces. Stay safe.

[elwenyere]

Hello! The conversation about careening had me wondering--how do you like to do research for your stories? Are there any topics or sources you particularly enjoy delving into or including in your work?

Hello, my friend!!! What a wonderful ask: thank you for these great questions.

After reflecting, I think I could describe my process as having two general categories: as-needed research and broader worldbuilding research.

The first category is a part of almost every fic I write, and it involves things like sourcing locations, verifying timelines, tracking down character names, and (very often) looking up what it feels like to receive various injuries. If it's a Star Wars fic, at least one Wookiepedia visit is a given (the raw materials page is a frequent hit). And there are likely to be a few other general internet searches I repeat several times ("aviation terms," for example, or "New Orleans plant life," depending on the fic and fandom).

The second category covers the exploratory reading and viewing I do for fics that involve more worldbuilding because they extend further outside (or completely outside) canon. The Codywan Pirate AU has me doing all kinds of targeted searches for naval ranks and sailing ship terminology, for example, but I've also been browsing maritime museums for descriptions of what life on ships was like from day to day (look at this cool page about sailor libraries and sailing literature!) and for images that give me a visual sense of the environment. I also love looking at digitized resources through academic libraries. When @festiveferret and I were collaborating on Citation Needed, an MCU professor AU in which history prof Tony is writing a monograph about weapons development during WWII, I used the online special collections at University of Massachusetts - Amherst to learn what the primary documents (enlistment records, ration cards, etc.) featured in the fic would look like. (Ferret then did incredible edits for the epistolary portion of the fic: this post has the collected documents.)

In a couple cases it's actually been the research that has come first and inspired the fic. The initial ideas for Separation, for example, which is a Top Gun fic that leans into the context of the AIDS crisis in the 80s and 90s, came from prep that I'd been doing for a queer literature class, so I was listening to music by queer bands in the period, reading poetry and essays about queer life in NYC and San Francisco (including this piece that discusses Nan Goldin, Thom Gunn's The Man with Night Sweats, "The Fall of 1992" by Randall Mann, and Alexander Chee's essay "After Peter"), and watching the documentary How to Survive a Plague, about the ACT UP movement. Much of that research informed the choices I made in writing the fic, even if it doesn't all appear directly.

Finally, I should confess that I am pretty self-indulgent with my fic research: I spend a lot of time studying and tracking things down when it's a subject I find interesting and/or when having more information will allow me to texture the choices I'm making in ways I personally find compelling; but I am also very unfussed about leaving other things vague or about fudging some details in service of the story. It's not at all out of the ordinary for me to spend 30 minutes looking up the names of camera models that hit shelves in 1991 and then write a sentence that says "when he gets off the carrier in mid-July, he goes to the mall" without specifying which carrier or which mall, because I couldn't be bothered to figure out the military logistics involved. This is one of the joys of writing fic for me: freedom to pour energy into those areas where research helps get me closer to things I want to discover and describe.

Thank you again for the terrific asks, my friend!!! This was very fun to write. <3<3<3

[dross-the-fish]

How do you avoid making mistakes when writing POC?

You'd probably be better off asking this of writers of color, but my advice is to do a little research, consider how a character's race would impact them in the environment you're writing and try to avoid assigning certain personality traits to races if you're writing fantasy. Consider how the race you're depicting has been treated in media up to this point compared to their white counterparts. Are you writing a black character who's a vampire? Try to avoid making them hyper aggressive or beast-like if your white vampires are more elegant and aristocratic. If you're writing a character who is a black or brown woman and you're writing about her sexuality make sure you keep in consideration the history of black and brown women in media as being hyper sexual or sexually available to a white man (usually a white savior) and handle the topic with caution and respect. And if you make a mistake, which you likely will at some point, accept criticism, apologize and do your best to fix it going forward. In my own experience people have been generally kind and patient as long I show that I'm making a sincere effort and willing to listen and I apologize and commit to being better when I do mess up. if you are called out don't make excuses, don't write an essay about how you didn't know better. Just say your sorry, ask how you can fix it and then listen to POC when they give you feedback.

[hanzajesthanza]

Dude, I just wanna say I am SOOOOO excited for your video essay on the Witcher. I have been waiting for a good essay covering more than the games and Netflix series for months now, as I like to listen to longer videos as I work during the mornings and I just know this is going to be so good. I've always loved reading your posts and analysis on the characters and arcs that books encompass, so I just wanted to share that I'm incredibly hyped for this, and I know you did an absolutely wonderful job piecing everything together and creating it :) I hope it gets the millions of views it DESERVES!!

i don't know where to begin, all i can say is thank you!! this ask totally made my night!

thank you not only for the encouragement, acknowledgement, validation... but for being. for being there, being excited, interested in the same topics. i'm just so happy i get to share this with people, that we get to share this—the fandom, the whole story, not just the video—together.

i'm really just so excited to share it and i hope everyone likes it or gets something useful out of it (and if it's not your vibe that's ok too!! everyone is invited!) like, i'm excited that you're excited... lol!

i really wanted to make something "quality" for people and for the channel, both in writing and in design. so there's a degree of storytelling that went into it, and i tried to make it visually engaging and structure it so that it's not just a spew of information, but like a little journey for everyone to come along with me on. most of the research was new for me too, so it's like we get to figure it out together.

below the cut is this kind of "diary entry": a long, contemplative, stream-of-consciousness response, haha...

(you don't have to read this, especially because i got a little emotional in it, i just thought i'd take the time to respond to authenticity with authenticity and get some things off of my mind... in reflection of the video, but also just about my personal life lol.)

i initially felt worried that people wouldn't get what i'm doing and would misinterpret my arguments, but despite these urges to explain myself a thousand times, i ultimately let my writing speak for me, and shut down the need to apologize and cover up what is decent work with a littering of disclaimers. i realized i actually can't stand it myself when youtubers go through the whole rigmarole of "sorry i haven't posted," "sorry it's not perfect," "sorry my pronunciation is bad," "sorry i'm not an expert" before they get to the actual video or what they want to say... i'm all: "lol, no worries. i wasn't expecting perfection, i'm just here to watch what you made." and i feel like most people have a similar reaction.

i know the concept of "fandom" has often a poor reputation online as a toxic space filled with drama, witch hunts, offensive behavior, self-absorbed conduct... and of course, there is some truth to that... but, there's also the good side of "fandom," which often goes ignored in narratives about it. i think "fandom" is just a niche kind of "community," and communities are simply groups of people (human beings, which have primal troupe-like natures, both build each other up and tear each other down, faction-like, warring, but also protective, loving fiercefully)...

it was different fandoms back then, of course, a little over ten years ago, but when i first got into "fandom" stuff online as a pre-teen, it was just night and day as opposed to my socializing in real life.

in discovering niche interests, passions, and yes, of course fictional universes that draw you in... i've always had only so few people to share that with in real life—when it comes to popular medias, of course, these medias were things that everybody in my school class was into, my friends had gotten me into it—but as i grew a little older and went on my own explorative journeys, i became most passionate about things that no one around me knew of or cared about, and suddenly, it was really lonely.

it had been a bit lonely before that, i always liked the media a little "too much," to the point of my friends asking me if we can stop playing pretend on the schoolyard and go watch the boys play four-square instead :'D or if we could please talk about anything else other than [media]. these are just childhood stumbles, which i imagine everyone has... but i mean, in this younger childhood, at least we could talk about media stuff sometimes, and i wasn't shunned too badly for it. but interests shifted and i got into things that only interested me, then i became truly alone on the recess yard.

when i first got into "fandom" online: groups of fans of [shared interest], who want to learn more about/talk and listen to others about/share and see more of [shared interest], and that entire world fit on my little iphone as i sat by the fence during lunch period, okay, i'm being so melodramatic here, but it was like a "welcome home." it was like discovering an entire little fairy world in the hollow of a tree. you mean to tell me, this place has existed, all this time? people who have the same interest, who want to talk about it, who are even—ha ha, just imagine—interested in what i have to say about it? those people exist, and they also have their own things to say, which i can listen and respond to? an actual faerieland. magic.

alright, i'll chill out. it's just social media, it's just social exchanges. but social exchanges are powerful, as human beings, we're evolutionarily driven to crave them. social media so often gets seen as fleeting exchanges, shallow engagement, but i—and probably a lot of tumblr's demographic—don't most often speak in staccato sentences online, but rather paragraphs, essays, hell, documents. we try to talk to each other kind of like we would in real life, we collaborate in building canons, worlds, have real discussions about media and society and... life. i don't know if anyone's studied this kind of experience as much as the generic "social media rots your brain" narrative, but it's been mine.

when i talk about [media interest], of course here and now it's specifically the witcher, i'm doing it because i'm part of this community, this whole forum, agora... i want to talk, but i moreover want to be listened to, to share, to be in conversation, not just be alone with my thoughts and interests.

it kind of boggles my mind, because i spent so long (ever since those aforementioned playground days) feeling like talking about anything fandom-related was excruciating for the people around me: that absolutely no one is interested in this but yourself, so get used to it.

so now, the fact that, sometimes when i post something, write something, draw something, make a video, or just say anything about this interest, that other people see that and it resonates with them, they enjoy it, it moves them, they're not annoyed, but also inquisitive, eager to talk about this thing, to share, too... like yourself, so kind to send me a message like "i'm interested in, excited for what you have to say," that's fucking crazy to me, it makes me so grateful, and also puts me in almost a state of disbelief! not just that i'm flattered, but that we share the same interest, have similar questions and desire for discussion about it, and live in a time where we can talk about this together over an instant, online communication... that no one has to suffer alone with their interests, no one has to feel isolated and weird and not know what to make of themselves.

despite fandom being seen as mean and shallow, (... similar to fantasy, come to think of it—interesting parallel with the actual subject of the video!) it's also a group of dynamic communities, that are sharing and criticizing and... just, communicating. the ability to communicate, the culture of communication is so important.

working on this project, somewhat fittingly, made me realize that the world is very gray, and nothing is even wholly good or wholly evil. this, of course, mostly applies to the politics and history and the story of the witcher which i'll be talking about in the video;

but what i realized is that this lesson also applies to mundane things, common anxieties i have. for example, that social media is not just bad or good, it's a tool with certain outcomes depending on how you use it. that people probably won't totally ignore you and shun everything you have to say, but they also won't listen to your every word. that success in life isn't impossible, but it's also probably not going to turn out as it is in your wildest dreams.

we're (~gen Z including zillennials and young millennials) surrounded with so much doomerist culture related to our prospects in life, especially as relates to contemporary media culture and life success, but it's not hopeless. you can always be an outlier of the broader trend. sometimes, you have to choose to be an outlier of the trend.

this is something i begin to talk about towards the end of the video. bagiński and hissrich basically see the trend and go: "looks like their attention spans are fucked, better speed up the process" instead of allowing themselves to be different, instead of embracing what makes them ("fantasy") special, trying so hard to conform... and hurting themselves from it. and looking at that, i just realized, i really don't want to follow that example and do something similar to myself.

i have to be bold enough to put my authentic self out there, even if it's "too complex to be understood", if it doesn't appeal to everyone, even if it turns some people away. it doesn't matter, because i only have one "me" to share, i can't force myself to be something i'm not. what i can do is seek out the people who i think will understand, who will be interested in that complexity. of course, this is something anyone whose advice is worth a grain of salt will tell you, has told me—but maybe i only understood it best when a witcher metaphor was applied :p

i'm in my 20s, and it's been so strange for me after i graduated college (undergrad), since what's now been two years ago. i spent my entire life in school, and suddenly no more school :( so i'm trying to regrow, or maybe grow in a different direction, that part of me that i lost when i had to graduate and get out... i'm struggling with feelings of failure every day, that i haven't met anyone's expectations for me since graduation, there has been so many feelings of worthlessness and confusion, i've so lost without school: a neat structured framework where everything gets measured and you get nice summaries of how you're doing in life.

it's horrified me upon discovering that, in life, no one measures how you're doing! you just live, and no one says "you're doing alright here, but here you could use some improvement." no one gives you direction, you have to plot your own map of unexplored territory. and suddenly, i don't know who i am anymore, where i'm going, why i do anything, what my purpose or use is. and, because i'm not in a class where there's a grade average, i also have no idea how everyone else is doing, only a vague feeling that i'm far behind. so it's really been confusing, demotivating...

as this video essay project dragged on, for about double the time i thought it was going to take, this sense of guilt and shame started to overtake me. throughout the project, i had this nagging paternalistic chiding in my head that i should be chasing success, career, relationships, life... but instead i'm wasting my time on the witcher, writing something no one cares about and people won't acknowledge me for. throwing away my time on something that doesn't matter. it was very contradictory, because i liked working on this project a lot, and of course and obviously i love the subject(s) it's about.

but i felt so fucking guilty for not pounding the linkedin pavement everyday and instead spending my time and effort on this video, lol. related back to what i spoke of earlier in this, that fandom is seen as petty and stupid—it's not something to be proud of. in my saddest moments, i thought of how my favorite professors might react if they knew that after graduation, this was the biggest project i had pursued. and my cheeks reddened in shame, i sweat from anxiety... literally as i write this, my hands are kind of shaking and i'm a bit nauseous imagining having to admit something like that to them. i mean, just think of every little kid that's like "i wanna be a youtuber!" it's adorable when you're 13, not so much when you're 23. and again, contradictory! because this is something i'm so stupidly passionate about, i'm unable to abandon it for something more "honorable"! i felt, i often feel, pathetic for how much i love things that no one cares about.

but upon completing this essay, i realized that this was something i started and finished, by myself, for... well, not "for myself," it's for you guys, but for self-motivated reasons, i.e., i wasn't seeking anyone's pride or approval—of course, your pride and approval would be nice to have and i wouldn't deny it! but i really did this for the values i have about community, for educational and discussional purposes, and of course, love for the witcher.

i realized that i made this because i wanted to make something to share with others, for other's benefit, which, upon reflection, has little to do with what others think of me. and that's really interesting, because i've, in school, in the majority of my life, i think i've been chasing the approval of others, i really wither away without it... so it's cathartic to realize that i put effort into, i spent my time on, making something not for approval, just out of passion. there's some kind of valuable life lesson learned here, i bet... some kind of personal growth...

but yeah, it's kind of weird. i guess my path doesn't look like everyone else's, i probably look like a loser to a lot of people right now if they could see me. but this video is evidence that i've grown and matured (in ways which maybe other people had already achieved for themselves, and maybe they haven't...) it's proof that i'm not stagnant, that life does exist in me still, and it's taking a form i didn't expect. a person is emerging from me. i can only watch with anticipation for who they'll become.

[jotarobutcat]

Turns out sometimes you have to force yourself to heal

Healing can feel impossibly hard, especially when you've internalized unhealthy values from both your parents and the culture around you. This may look like a pretentious middle school essay, but the truth is, I just needed to write about my healing process, and where it all started, somewhere. This will be a long ride, so buckle up.

I might be happier right now if I had just stayed a bigot, and given all the hate inside me just the right amount of fuel it needs to prosper, but I just couldn't do that to my friends. Funnily enough, this whole process started from my best friend coming out to me as transgender, not from some "a-ha!" moment in the middle of the night like most of my decisions.

Back then, I was your average "good Christian girl", or at least that's what I strived for. I didn't have many friends, especially when it came to people I was in contact with outside of the internet. I'd pretty much lost two of the three friends I had in middle school after it ended; one completely cut contact with me and my remaining friend, and one I just... didn't see again, since we took different paths in life and weren't really that close anyway. I'd recently become friends with another person online, and this person was very much open about being LGBTQ+ when asked. I didn't have a problem with that, because "well, he doesn't rub his homosexuality in my face". She knew my views on things as well, since I was open about my religion and how my values followed what I had been taught by my mother and the church as morally right or wrong. Back then, my views on the topic of LGBTQ+ people were, in a nutshell, "I think it's wrong to date a person of the same sex, and so is changing your body from how God created it, but I'm not going to insult, degrade, misgender or deadname people because I'm not an asshole". So in short, I was a bigot, but not a zealot. When my best and only in-real-life friend came out to me as a trans man, I assured him that I had no problem with him being transgender, and would be using his chosen name and pronouns from then on forwards if he wished me to do so. In reality, I was full of confusion, since I didn't really know what being transgender *actually* meant. Now, I could've just left it at that, but I felt that in order to give my friend the full support he needs and deserves, I should be able to at least understand what he's actually going through. At that point, my knowledge of the term trans, when talking about gender, was limited to "people who have changed their sex". It's not too far off, but I had no idea why someone would change it and what exactly counts as a transgender person, since my friend was pre-everything at the time and thus obviously did not fit the definition I had known before.

So, I decided to investigate what being transgender really means. During that time I watched videos a lot from a certain youtuber, and I knew his friend, who had been in some of his videos, had a channel as well and often posted videos reading memes and posts from different LGBTQ+ subreddits. I previously had had no interest in them, but I figured I could give some trans-themed videos a try, because humour is usually what gives the most authentic image of a person, as long as you know how to actually read people, and it's also a popular way to share life experiences and thoughts without making it too serious. I think the first one of these videos I checked out was on the r/egg_irl subreddit. That video was eye-opening. Some of the memes were scarily relatable, and I ended up realizing a while later, after doing some more proper research on what being transgender meant, that I fit the definition myself. Suddenly a lot of things made sense; why I always felt a prideful joy whenever being sorted together with boys or men, and hated it when someone added my name or "and girl" after referring to the group with a masculine term. Why I hated being called pretty or beautiful, and would rather substitute it for being called ugly. Why I had little to no interest in barbies and baby dolls and was fascinated by dinosaurs and my brother's Hot Wheels cars instead. Why I would rather play alone than join other girls in their play in kindergarten, and felt excited and happy whenever any of the boys would let me play together with them instead. Why I always hated dresses so much and secretly wished I could wear a suit, being exhilarated when I finally asked permission to do so and was given the okay without an argument or a fight. Why I always found interest in what the boys in my class were talking about, even if they were annoying, and why I kept secretly wishing I could join their friend group instead even though I got along with the girls just fine. Why I was annoyed by girly things or topics to the point I would actively avoid them, and feel proud for not participating in "girl stuff". Why I'd feel proud of myself whenever I acted "boyish" or "manly" enough. Why I felt proud of being able to sing the national anthem in a low voice. Why I wasn't able to appreciate having a near ideal body for the local female beauty standards. Why I felt ashamed of my breasts and "birthing hips". Why I felt disappointed to the point of near crying when I was given permission by my mother to get my hair cut short, and the hairdresser cut it into a butterfly bob instead of the kind of "boy hair" I had imagined. There were so. many. things. I could lengthen the list even more, especially if I added in things I've only recently realized likely had a connection with my gender incongruence.

This realization eventually led to a big battle between the values I had adopted in early childhood and followed ever since, and the new information about myself that clashed with what I believed was "right by God". This contradiction coupled with all the transphobic gaslighting, both from my family and random people on the internet, and drove me to what I have only been able to describe as an episode of psychotic depression, at least up until now. I felt awful, and hated myself for not being how I thought I "should be". I started wondering if I had just been influenced by the internet and gotten brainwashed, and began doubting the authenticity of my own feelings and thoughts. I couldn't trust myself at all anymore, and now that I think about it, I guess this was probably how my OCD manifested for the first time. It was like my mind split into two, one of which was "me" or "I", the other one being, well, the brain, I guess, and it was hell trying to figure out which thoughts were *mine* and not just something my brain pushed into my head... or something I, or another person, put in my head either on accident or on purpose. It's something I still struggle with sometimes, but being able to identify the problem(s) has helped a lot, and made things a lot less excruciating to deal with at times.

Well, I got over that. Somewhat, at least. I ended up pretty much avoiding thinking about my views on religion in general and basing my life principles on my own opinions instead of "God's". I still have my doubts and guilt, and sometimes fall back into the anxiety of not knowing what I'm doing is right or not. I will definitely have to work these things out in therapy, but I'd like to believe I've made a lot of progress outside of it on my own as well. Transphobia and homophobia aren't the only kinds of unhealthy values I've had to heal myself from. One of the biggest things that has kept me from healing for a long time is the teachings of toxic masculinity, particularly the idea of "only women are emotional". Being a trans man who almost nobody dear to me recognizes as a man, I've been clinging to every little thing that would validate my masculinity, even if it's extremely unhealthy, for years. This didn't start from my realization about my gender, but instead had been going on since elementary school, possibly even longer than that.

I have a tendency of turning into my friends' therapist whenever I get to know they're having a rough time. I feel it's much easier to give advice to people than to look for a solution to my own problems. Maybe it's empathy, maybe it's just avoidance of the shit I should actually sort out, but turns out these backyard therapy sessions can be mutually beneficial. On the internet, different people dealing with similar problems are often drawn together, kind of like stand users. At one point, the advice I gave to my friends dealing with the same problems I had started feeling pretentious. "I go around giving people advice I don't even follow myself... I guess it's grand time I take my own advice and cut myself some slack."

That's where the actual healing process started. When I felt ashamed of the fact I made mistakes and felt like condemning myself for having emotions, I forced myself to tell myself the same things I had told my friends; "Everybody makes mistakes, and while it may feel awful, it's a natural part of life. You're not worth any less for that. We don't have to look for a solution right away." "You're hurting right now, but that's okay. You're allowed to hurt. You don't have to be all happy and bubbly all the time." "That's right. You're angry right now. And that's fine. You're allowed these feelings just like everyone else. Let yourself be angry."

Notice how all of these have to do with self-acceptance? Yeah, that's what a lot of us lack. We condemn the parts of us we, or others, don't like and give ourselves more and more wounds. All of these parts have their right spaces in our hearts, but we keep trying to "heal" those spots, thinking we need to make sure none of these "unpleasant" parts of us have no place in our hearts before we can start healing the actual wounds. In reality, trying to close up the spaces just results in more wounds.

Think about your heart like a crow playing with one of those boxes with different holes for different-shaped objects; if you hide one of the holes, the crow will keep trying to push the corresponding object through a different hole. Some of these objects are small but sharp, and they make scratches on the box when the crow tries to push them through the wrong holes. These scratches hurt a lot, but are often quite quick to heal. Some of these objects are big, but more blunt. They might not hurt as much immediately, but they leave large wounds that affect a bigger area and take a much longer time to heal. Some of these objects have two sides, one big and blunt, one sharp and small, and thus cause different types of wounds depending on where and how you try to put them.

We all have this crow and these objects. The crow is stubborn, and will keep looking for the right places to put the objects until it finds them. None of our crows know where to put these objects from birth, and aren't really that smart, so they will naturally make mistakes and try to shove them in the wrong spots. This causes a lot of scratches and dents on our hearts along the years, and it's easy to feel like it's better to just close your heart to these objects altogether. The crow, though, has no other place to put them, so it will keep looking for the right hole for the object it's holding, because it knows there's supposed to be one, and that will just cause more scratches and dents in the long run.

Our crows also have assigned instructors. Some have prepared in every possible way to make sure the box gets damaged as little as possible. They put in extra effort, even before becoming an instructor, and do a great job at taking care of both the box and the crow. Some try their best to take care of the crow, but haven't really internalized that they also have to teach it to handle the objects and the box. Some are there just because it was on their checklist, and either don't really care about the task at hand, or quickly become overwhelmed and end up hurting the crow, making it confused and unable to find the right places for the objects. Some end up with the job on accident, some were forced into it, some are never around, and some came thinking they were prepared, but ended up giving the crow the worst kind of instructions possible. You could probably guess that the objects are these less pleasant parts of us. Most of them are negative emotions like fear and anger, some of them are painful or traumatic experiences. The crow is the person itself. None of us know how to handle our emotions and experiences from birth, and that's exactly why most of us have been given instructors, which are typically our parents. Our parents can teach us to handle these "objects" properly, but most aren't capable or just willing enough to teach all of the in-and-outs of the subject, so we'll naturally have to figure some stuff out ourselves. After all, we'll be stuck with these objects for the rest of our lives, whether we like them or not. So right now this little crow is trying to figure out the proper way to handle these things, hopefully with an extra instructor (a therapist) in the future. I think I'm doing good at it, especially considering the fact that the only thing I was taught was to keep the objects to myself.