#i’m just very stressed and overwhelmed and it’s making me depressed and feeding my depression’s anxiety

[heartbreakfeelsogood]

[iamsuchi]

First off hi! Adore and appreciate your existence and help to others

Looking for tips of manifestation of letting go of a long toxic love

I spent years trying to manifest our union in the most loving way possibly but I think I’ve hit my wall and am very very tired of suffering and want to feel free happy and attract the love I deserve and need for my best self

⚠️ WARNING.... EXTREMELY LOOOOOOOONG RESPONSE AHEAD!‼️‼️‼️‼️

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Hi Anon and your compliment has made my entire existence better thank you so much from the bottom of my heart!🥺❤️❤️❤️

This one is a first for me I've never had an ask trying to get out of a relationship but I will try my best to come up with some tips and hopefully, it helps (⚠️ please note I Am not an expert here - I can only offer advice based on my personal opinion so please bear that in mind, none the less I will try to help)

First things first I am so sorry you’re going through a toxic relationship no one deserves that everyone deserves a relationship that makes them feel safe, loved, secured, cared for, etc. No one deserves toxicity in there life especially from their spouse or significant other, I’m glad you recognized the signs of the relationship being toxic and you’ve decided to end it now before matters gotten worse. 

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My Tips (⚠️please remember this is only my personal opinion‼️):

1. I’d say detach as soon as possible from this current partner - This person could be a source of negative energy to you and this person could be an energy vampire (meaning their presences literally drains your energy which lowers your vibration).  A better definition of an Energy Vampire: “ Energy vampires are people who — sometimes intentionally — drain your emotional energy. They feed on your willingness to listen and care for them, leaving you exhausted and overwhelmed. Energy vampires can be anywhere and anyone. They can be your spouse or your best friend.” SOURCE:  How to Recognize and Respond to Energy Vampires at Home, Work, and More I recommend giving that a read it might help out with your situation.

2. Once you’ve let that person go take sometime for yourself - Take some time to rejuvenate your mind and body. Toxicity can do a lot to both our physical and mental health. “ Toxic relationships cause feelings of low self-worth, helplessness, fear, anxiety, depression, insecurity, paranoia, and even narcissism. “Toxic relationships are dangerous to your health; they will literally kill you. Stress shortens your lifespan. “ SOURCE:  Toxic Relationships: A Serious Threat To Mental Health. You’ve already mention how you’re tired of suffering so I definitely would say once you’re out of this take some time to be with you. Seek therapy if you have to, reach out to friends and family, do stuff that brings you joy, have self care days, Meditate, do breath work, etc. 

3. Set boundaries - Learn from your past relationship. The Universe loves to teach us life lessons especially through the use of other people. Reflect on your past relationship; assess what went wrong, what you allowed, what you liked and disliked about the relationship, what you wished could have went better, etc. Just spend some time reflecting and set some boundaries for how you want to be treated. If you don’t know how to set boundaries here a link to this article.  How to Set Boundaries in Your Relationships. Also see this article for some examples:  21 Examples Of Healthy Boundaries In Relationships

4. You may wanna do some shadow work before jumping back into relationships - What is shadow work? - Firstly we need to find out what is the shadow. “ The “shadow” is a concept first coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung that describes those aspects of the personality that we choose to reject and repress. For one reason or another, we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like—or that we think society won’t like—so we push those parts down into our unconscious psyches. It is this collection of repressed aspects of our identity that Jung referred to as our shadow self. “ SOURCE:  Carl Jung and the Shadow: The Ultimate Guide to the Human Dark Side. So Shadow work is basically confronting those parts of your repressed part of our identities and getting to know them. Shadow work is basically journaling about these repressed parts, bring them to the surface an confronting them (in a sense a form of scripting but you’re writing about stuff you normally wouldn’t tell anyone else - its highly personally. You’ll be surprised how much you can learn about yourself from this.) I’ve personally done shadow work and it has helped me a lot with getting to know my true self and healing some of my past traumas.  I recommend watching these two videos - they’re ones I’ve personally watched when I discovered shadow work and they helped me a lot in the beginning. 

💻  shadow work: how to start 🧚🏾‍♀️✨

💻 i did shadow work for 16 days, here’s what happened

I believe doing some shadow work will really help you both to learn more about yourself, aid with your trauma and even help with setting your boundaries and other aspects of your life. If you need Prompts (these are basically questions that you’ll journal about when doing your shadow work - you can simply make up your own or search for ‘shadow work prompts’ on Pinterest or google.)

5. Do it like Neville would - After you’ve detached from this person, done your self care and reflection. Do it like Neville would - Assume it into fact. Imagine yourself in your ideal relationship, imagine your ideal partner, imagine your perfect romance, give it all the feelings of reality. Imagine it and assume that relationship to be true with your new partner, believe it is true, feel it to be true, have faith that it is true. Then go on about your life. Relive your imaginal act as much as possible and get into the state of the wish fulfilled (believing that it is already done for you) then just go on about your day/life. Live in the end and persist in that assumption. If you can’t visualize or imagine it no worries, just make that assumption - make the assumption that you are now in your ideal relationship with your ideal partner, the same rules apply, believe in that assumption, have faith in it and feel that that assumption is already done for you, persist in that assumption. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE ‘HOW’, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHEN OR HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE OR IF ITS POSSIBLE, ETC. REMEMBER THE LAW ONLY WORKS IF YOU BELIEVE IT WORKS - SIMPLY BELIEVE YOUR IDEAL RELATIONSHIP INTO EXISTING. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT HOW LONG “EVERY SEED HAS ITS APPOINTED HOUR” - IT MAY HAPPEN TOMORROW OR IT MAY HAPPY NEXT YEAR, WHEN IT WILL COME NOBODY KNOWS, BUT “AN ASSUMPTIONS  IF PERSISTED IN LONG ENOUGH WILL HARDEN INTO FACT” - Neville Goddard. All the law asks of you is to have FAITH and BELIVE in it. Your desire is yours for a reason - you already have it just believe you do! You may say oh what about my circumstances?? - Ignore the 3D. I will link this post HERE about a video a watched that really opened my eyes to ignoring the 3D hopefully it helps you.  If you don’t know how to make an assumption or what it is see this ask HERE for more info on that. 

6. Along with your new assumption you may use different manifesting techniques to help you (see my pinned post on this) - Now, you might use one technique or you can use as many as you want - its all up to you. Do what you’re comfortable with and do what feels right to you. 

✨ Affirmations: You can affirm that you’re in your ideal relationship. Example: “I am deeply in love with the man/woman/etc. of my dreams right now.” “I am in the most wonderful, perfect, loving relationship right now, I am so grateful for my relationship.”, “My new partner treats me with the most respect and loves me so, I am grateful for my new partner.” Say them only when you feel the need to, I’d recommend saying them with meaning as well (say them as if your in that ideal relationship). Here’s why (⚠️and I do plan to make a more in depth post about this once I complete my research on it‼️) but basically the subconscious mind is the mind of FEELINGS. To make impressions on our subconscious mind we must do it with feeling. This is why you’ll always see people saying “FEELING IS THE SECRET”. Notice that when you’re sad/depressed (for example) and you say something like “ this is always happening to me” more bad things happen... this is because the subconscious mind pick up on that feeling of sadness/depression because its your dominant mood and your conscious mind is mostly focused on negative stuff. The subconscious mind will only out put what you’re mostly focused on and that will manifest.  I know you wont be in a happy/positive mood 24/7 your human, I am human we have different emotions but when you’re in those moods try hard to make the new impression on your subconscious mind (Believe and feel those assumptions and affirmations into fact).  ⚠️‼️‼️ IMPORTANT NOTE: this does not mean you can't affirm when you are down, sad or in neutral mood, you can. Affirm in any mood until it feels natural to you then you wont feel like you’re lying to yourself or being fake, etc. Also do not affirm 24/7 do it when you feel the need to - DO NOT FORCE IT!

‼️⚠️QUICK SIDE NOTE/ VERY IMPORTANT: when I say the subconscious mind is the mind of FEELINGS. I don’t mean feelings in the sense of that the subconscious mind knows what our mortal moods and feelings are (example: happy, sad, angry, etc - the subconscious mind can’t tell these things). What I mean is that the subconscious mind works with the ENERGY/VIBRATIONS/FREQUENCY FROM YOUR MORTAL FEELINGS/MOODS. If you’re giving off a consistent (negative) energy when you’re sad - another thing is the subconscious mind also loves repetition so when you consistently persist in negative energy, negativity will manifest (for example). This is so because you’re thought create your reality and whatever you focus on good or bad will manifest if those thoughts are persisted in with FEELING (your energy/vibration/frequency). ‼️⚠️

📝 Scripting: You can write down or imaginal acts or write down your affirmations in a journal. Write down exactly what you want, how you’d want it to play out in your ideal relationship and just like making an assumption, leave it alone - believe your script is true, have faith that what you written down will manifest into your world and it shall. 

🎧 Subliminals - See this post HERE and HERE for brief explanations on what Subs are.  They’re a ton of relationship subs on YouTube. Some will help you get over trauma, others will help you manifest your desired relationship, attract guys/girls/etc., attract your specific person. You just need to know what you’re looking for and do your research on subs and the sub maker you’re going to be using - see the posts I’ve link for more info. 

They’re other methods so you can look up manifesting methods to find something that your comfortable with. 

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Well that's it for me, I was heading to bed when I saw this and I had to respond immediately. Again I hope this helped - this is info that I thought off the top of my head just need so if I missed anything I’m sorry (its late and I am tired but I really wanted to repond before bed on this one). Remember this is all just my personal opinions, feel free to reach out again if you have any further questions or anything. Remeber you can always seek out another opinion if you didn’t find my response to be useful. I highly recommended seeking professional help on this one though, especially if this relationship has left you with mental and/or physical scars and trauma. Take care hun - I wish that you discover the most beautiful and purest love in the world and things get better for you soon. Thanks for reaching out and thank you for your compliment again, I hope I helped you in some way. Happy manifesting 💓💓💓

[inmyheadandthoughts]

14 November 2022

I have no idea if i’ll keep this up but...here we go. Hello to a new digital journal of sorts. I realised that my hands hurt more when writing than when typing (and my typing moves faster than writing which is great for my brain which rapid-fires sentences so much so that my hands cannot keep up), so i’m beginning to port all of my journal in here. TW// before i continue and if anyone is reading this, this blog will have mentions of anxiety, depression, the desire to end one’s life, self-harm, all that jazz. Yall know how it is on here, so just a heads up.

Why post a journal on a public domain?? I write my journals in a tone that is very aware of an audience for some reason (even when i keep all my entries to myself, is that weird?), so might as well just put it out there. I think i just needed a space to vent, and partly because i was inspired by Baek Se-Hee’s I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki - before the publication of her book she wrote alot of her thoughts online. And i’m just like, damn...that takes a lot of courage, to let people in on your inner thoughts. But perhaps it is almost comforting to do that in an almost-anonymous space. And if it resonates with strangers then...i guess that’s the beauty of the internet perhaps.

I’m trying very hard not to start this first entry on a morose note, but then again this journal is going to be very morose anyway. So...if anyone happens upon this blog, you know what to expect. I shan’t ramble today though - i’ve been falling sick and had a covid scare 3 times in 2 days (thankfully i’m still negative, we shall see the next day). And i’ve been wanting to write this in my journal for a long time now, but i think it’s burnout. I’ve never been this stressed out about a job (my “normal” levels already hover around “tense” and “overwhelmed”), but more so for this particular one. It’s almost as if someone is constantly watching over my back and waiting for me to make a mistake and embarrass me in front of the whole company and i’ll never get to come back from said mistake (which is what?? The only event in which that would happen is if i maybe embezzle funds or do some white-collar crime shit. Which obviously would never happen but i keep thinking about it, of course.) 

But anyway back to the situation that is burnout. It’s so obvious and yet i can’t quit - yet. For one it’s been getting more and more difficult to find a job in this economy and it’s...tiring. Everyday i question if i’m fit enough to do this professionally and i’ve been in this industry for 4+ years. Imposter syndrome will never go away it seems - and that feeds into my cycle of anxiety and depression (i want to be careful with using these words because i’ve never been formally diagnosed even if the symptoms are glaring, which brings me to another point i will address later on) and hence, burnout. Add social anxiety to the mix and you’ve got a whole killer cocktail of nerves and clenched jaws and i can never relax. Maybe on the weekends - but when i want to relax i remember that maybe i should call my friends to hang out but i don’t because i don’t know if they’ll want to see me. Returning to Baek Se-Hee’s book (god, i relate so much almost every page has a highlight/bookmark), it’s probably really just(?) my low self-esteem. And try as i might (i went to therapy for 2 years between mid-209 to late 2021) i wasn’t successful in even beginning to see the other side of the coin, which makes me incredibly guilty for not doing so. Why did i waste my money (damn therapy is expensive; it will never be subsidised in my country) and my therapist’s time? I’ve also been so forgetful that i almost never remember to do my therapy homework or i’ll do it and sweep in under rug of my brain (which was also the reason why i’d stopped going abruptly, the other reason being money lol). So...(i lost my train of thought. This happens frequently in my journals and i often chastise myself for not concluding entries properly. For what reason, i myself am unsure) 

Ah yes, my point was that maybe i want to take the money i “saved” from not going to therapy all these months to see if i can get formally diagnosed. For some reason i feel like test results would come back fine and the medical staff would just be like “why would you fake it? Were you going to use your fake-diagnosis as an excuse for your behaviour?” something along those lines. Maybe it’s just me and my problematic attitude (which i’ll try to explain and unpack perhaps.) But yeah i don’t know (i say this a lot as well, haha i really don’t know a lot of things LOL), maybe it might be a relief, regardless of the outcome of any diagnosis. Something tells me something is (almost) evidently wrong, but something tells me otherwise and that i’m faking it as an excuse, that maybe everyone is truly this miserable and i’m just not strong enough to cope well with it and get on with life. But if that were truly the case i’d not get on with it and find any means to an end, literally.

[vigilantejustice]

having a gr8 time

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Hi! What is your very specific Twilight AU?

okay, so. New Moon.

party disaster, dumping her and dipping, all happens normally.

but THEN. Bella finds out she’s pregnant.

(and I know you’re thinking- pre-marital sex?!?! Edward would NEVER! but listen. I am the author now. I’ve been around Christians my whole life. shut up!)

so anyway after a million pregnancy tests and a lot of googling about vampire baby legends, Bella’s like...well this is probably gonna be a situation,

Nessie doesn’t have an insane growth rate here because I hate that, so she has a normal amount of time to prepare, and she’s very...aware that the birth is gonna be Rough at best. So she goes to Jacob

who is NOT a wolf yet but Is aware of the pack and the treaty, and they are closer friends already, and she’s like ‘hey. paranormal emergency. you’re the only person in this town who enables me. help.’

 and Jacob’s like I’m Fucking Fifteen and goes and gets Leah, since she’s technically an adult and a girl

(ms. meyer How did you make one of leah’s only 3 character traits ‘upset she’s infertile’ and then not have her support bella’s choices in breaking dawn please make it make sense)

 so they start brainstorming solutions and the best they can work with is. Bella’s gotta ride out the pregnancy in hiding. they have no way of knowing whether she can survive the pregnancy and the only clue they have about whether the baby will be a monster or not is from google searches, but they also can’t exactly take her to an obgyn when her uterus feels like it’s calcified and her ribs are getting broken and she seems to be craving blood

So, Leah’s got her own little place. Bella moves in there, telling Charlie she wants to move back in with Renee (she knows her parents would never willingly call each other so as long as she keeps up communicating with both of them they should be none the wiser of her growing a little dracula in Leah Clearwater’s basement).

Leah has already defected from the wolf pack at this point (because...the Cullen’s left and she didn’t really like any of the guys anyway lmao) so they don’t run the risk of them hearing her thoughts while she’s in wolf form. She goes out and hunts animals, brings them back and her and Jake drain the blood from them so Bella can drink it. All three of them find this extremely disgusting obviously but Jake’s loyal and a little bit lovestruck, Leah’s a supportive friend and queen, and Bella’s just trying to keep her and her baby alive, and none of them feel like trying to rob a blood bank

Bella is 100% certain the baby will just be a baby who happens to like blood, like she was in bd, but the tentative plan is that if a crazy soulless monster comes out of her Leah will...handle that...

Which neither are thrilled about, so Bella’s just trying to focus on staying positive. And between that, trying to survive and stay hidden, Bella doesn’t really have time to...Check Out the way she did in new moon. Like, she’s absolutely still depressed, and she’s still getting an occasional Edward hallucination because carrying a vampire baby counts as reckless in many books, but she’s just more...resigned and pissed than anything. She’ll have days like the ‘possibilities’ scene, but more often than not she’s just telling the Edward hallucination to go fuck himself when he’s begging her to find the real him so they can have Carlisle deal with the pregnancy 

at some point, Seth gets roped into the whole mess (he’s prone to just breaking into his sister’s house) but since he’s like, 13 and The Best Baby Boy he’s immediately supportive. He didn’t even fucking know about the wolves and the vampires until he walked in on a six months pregnant Bella drinking blood while his sister and Jacob are hacking away at a dead deer, but he’s like...you know when you were 13 and sneaking around about Anything made you feel like the coolest person alive? point is he’s helpful

AND he can get away with spending a lot of time at Leah’s house without anyone finding it weird, unlike Jacob, so he starts spending most of his free time there keeping Bella company and brightening her day up

HE is the one who enables her when she comes up with the name Renesmee lmao

(just because she hates Edward doesn’t mean Esme ever did anything wrong!)

“bella I’ll throw you out of this house if you don’t come up with a real name” “leah she’s white you can’t just disrespect her culture like this omg”

anyway these four become the DORKIEST and WEIRDEST little family it’s cute

so then. labor.

it’s less...graphic than in bd because Bella hasn’t been actively dying the whole pregnancy and she doesn’t snap her spine in half, but it’s still. bad.

she essentially delivers a rock that Nessie then begins chewing her way out of. she’s actively bleeding out. Jacob’s having a panic attack. Leah made Seth watch so he would never have unprotected sex and the scare tactic is working. Leah’s covered in Bella’s blood which is not great considering she’s Holding A Rock That A Vampire Is Emerging From

Leah’s been taking classes and researching deliveries so she needs to stitch Bella up and see what else is wrong but Seth is rocking back and forth on the floor crying and Jacob’s screaming and pacing too fast to grab so she’s like. Bella babe I know you’re dying but you need to hold this thing for me ksjdfllksf

so while she’s handling That, Bella’s got this weird little rock in her arms and is watching the baby slowly fight it’s way out like this is a very fucked up egg or something and she’s just. overwhelmed. maybe it’s the blood loss but she’s looking at the messy, scrunchy little face and she’s already in love and envisioning their lives together.

and then, you know, the baby bites her,

she has just enough time to think ‘how did we not think to prepare for that’ before she can feel the venom coursing through her. it’s just as bad as she remembers from James’ bite but somehow...easier to tolerate. she blacks out pretty quickly

the other 3 notice and are like : 👁👄👁

Jacob...literally explodes into a wolf On Spot

Seth darts out the fucking door he’s seen enough for one day

Leah, sole holder of the braincell, realizes Nessie just bit and isn’t drinking from Bella, and deduces this is like...a survival instinct or something. the baby instinctively changes it’s mother first thing. weirdly...touching? 

So she gets the baby and checks that everything is physically okay with Bella (apart from you know. changing species) and is like...guess this is an issue for 3 days from now Leah

more immediate pressing issues: screaming new born baby and oh, yeah, the giant red wolf in the basement,

“Jacob I know this is disorienting but if you break anything in my house I’ll fucking kill you”

she really just leaves the poor boy to go get the baby cleaned up and warm up some of the frozen blood they’ve got in her fridge (RUINING HER TUPPERWARE, BELLA)

she’s not worried about the wolf pack mind meld yet because she knows Sam took the guys on a mission way farther up the coast for a few days and they’ll be too far away to hear Jake. hopefully, by the time they get back, Bella will be awake and they’ll have made an escape plan by then

and as she’s bottle feeding blood to the baby she’s thrilled that it seems to be like...relatively normal and not s horrific monster or anything. mission: unwillingly murder my best friend’s baby has been successfully canceled 

“Oh Goddamn it....Renesmee DOES fit you...”

Seth, from where he’s cowering behind the couch: “told you”

so, Jake eventually calms down, they spend the next few days cooing over Nessie and brainstorming how to handle Bella when she wakes up a vampire, and also nicknaming Nessie ‘Nessie’ because they know Bella will find that intolerable and they feel she deserves karmic punishment for stressing them out so much lmao

so, three days are up. Seth’s upstairs putting on a way-too-elaborate puppet show for the baby with not a care in the world. Leah and Jake are in the basement because they know Bella probably won’t want their wolf blood and their ready to phase in case she gets a little aggressive

but she just wakes up and is like. hey! how’s it going? where’s my baby?

sjdhfksdj they were expecting feral but Bella still has her super self-control. she didn’t even realize she’d changed into a vampire until they told her lmao

Bella’s a little too freaked out to try hunting yet so they give her some of the stored blood they’ve been feeding Ness and she’s like. good to go. Leah’s about to scream like have the elders been exaggerating this whole time or is Bella truly a freak??? lol

So, they spend a couple days just...relaxing, Bella and Renesmee bonding, they’re trying to come up with fun places Bella can move to with the baby so no one she knows finds out, and every now and then Leah and Jake go out and she tries to help him get the wolf thing under control

and then,,,,the pack get back from their mission early

and immediately are able to read Jacob’s mind

so they head over to Start Shit because there’s two bloodsuckers on their land but,

the pack not attacking because Jake imprinted on Renesmee? tired. the pack not attacking because Jake’s Alpha Genes have taken over and declared Nessie and Bella as part of his Pack and attacking would literally start a war? inspired

so they hash the whole thing out....ultimately Sam decides Bella is more of a victim than a threat, and since neither her or Nessie seem to be going on a bloodlust rampage any time soon...he decides to grant them immunity from the whole ‘kill the vampires’ rule. He’ll let her and her daughter stay in La Push as long as they agree to stick to animals and only hunt out of town. PLUS from what little Bella knows about the Volturi, she’s worried about them finding out about Nessie, so they’ll offer protection if that does happen, in exchange for her being able to help them with intel on any other vampire threats in the area (you know like. if a nomad is fucking stuff up in a nearby city, they’ll send her to talk to them first before deciding if they need to intervene. Sam has become acutely aware he has a lot of teens and kids in his pack, so he’s trying to keep them out of fights as much as possible)  

anyway that’s the story of Nessie gaining like 17 chaotic as hell ride or die uncles,

let’s fast forward a bit

it’s like 15 years later. Bella’s not living with Leah anymore, but she’s got a cute apartment in a nearby town, and owns and runs a bookstore on the first floor of it. she got her ged and did college online and teaches night classes at a community college. She’s still in contact with her parents, who Adore the life out of Nessie. She still helps the pack out and they’re all close. Nessie is a handful but in a fun and lovable way. They go on little weekend trips whenever they have time. Bella’s happy.

but then a. Situation. arises.

basically, the Volturi have been made aware of some unknown vampire chasing others out of the pacific northwest and conspiring with shapeshifters. and you know when Aro gets curious he tends to spin things dramatically. who’s to say this vampire isn’t conspiring against all vampires? against them? why has no one’s special talents worked on her? he simply must find out.

Bella and the Pack get word and decide their best course of action for now is to go on the run. they’re not gonna be able to take on a whole army but if they can bide some time and lay low they might be able to figure something out

except Bella is like....I have a teenage hybrid that the Volturi don’t know about yet...it would be EXTREMELY irresponsible to take her with me

but she can’t send Nessie to Charlie or Renee because they don’t know about her...dietary restrictions. She can’t stay with Billy or anyone else in La Push because the Volturi might trace the pack’s scent there and discover her. She’s panicking, they have to leave in a few days max and she can’t find a safe place for her daughter

and then she’s like.....fuck.

she had run into Jasper a couple of years ago- they have the same forgery guy and were heading to his building around the same time as a coincidence. She promised to forgive him for the party incident if he promised not to tell Edward he saw her and that she’s a vampire now. He agreed, but then told her Edward’s been living on his own for a while now and insisted on giving her his number...she never could bring herself to call it or delete it...but now...if she wants to be 100% Nessie is safe and protected...

fuck

So, the past 15 years have been fairly rough for Edward

he’s still convinced leaving in order to save Bella was the best course of action, but like...the vampires canonically mate for life. that’s his soulmate. he’s absolutely miserable without her. he’s thought about cracking and going to find her again but he always talks himself out of it, convinced she’d just tell him she hates him or something

so as stated in his patented Edward Cullen Self Loathing Guide, first thing to do is isolate yourself from all the lovebirds you usually live with. Sure, he keeps in contact, but...not well. he’s currently living alone and posing as a university student. He’s not even really sure what he’s supposed to be majoring in. He’s mostly been in a haze since he left Forks.

and one day....he gets a call from an unknown number. he ignores it, thinking it’s a spam call. but then it calls like 8 more times in a row and he figures answering might be a bit smarter than simply throwing it at the wall

And Edward...swears he came back to life and immediately had a heart attack the second he hears Bella’s voice

He feels breathless and disoriented the whole conversation, trying to figure out if his memory did her voice any justice, trying to rush out 15 years worth of apologies, trying to comprehend she’s actually speaking to him.

But Bella’s very blunt on the phone. She doesn’t want to let herself get emotional. She’s on a time limit, and she has to focus on getting her daughter to safety

And Edward swears he somehow misheard her the first ten or so times she told him. He had a daughter? that wasn’t possible

“she has the audacity to be your Evil Twin so I’m pretty sure it’s possible”

so she gives him a rundown. she needs to go into hiding, no I don’t need your help with that, gives him details about Nessie, what she’s like, what she likes to do, her diet, her favorite color, how annoyed she is by this whole situation, “Edward I know you don’t love me anymore, but I remember how protective you were, and that’s what I need Nessie to have right now. She needs you right now” and Edward wants so badly to refute Bella’s claim of lost love, to tell her he has absolutely no idea how to be a parent, but...her tone is aching so much he can barely speak. He can’t let Bella down again, and he can’t let this little girl he foolishly created and left down anymore than he already has, either.

So he agrees, she tells him to be at the airport in a few days, and hangs up. 

Edward loses about half a day staring at a wall in shock, before he jumps into preparations.

Bella told him while their daughter possessed some speed and strength, hunting was fairly dangerous for her. She was more delicate than his kind, and had a heartbeat. Reheated blood bags had been their best option, and she also needed human food as well. He also had to get a room ready for her- he wandered around stores for hours, reading young girls minds to see if there was any furniture or decorations that were universally liked- which was of course, fruitless, but he did manage to find a handful of things he was sure Bella would have liked at that age, and prayed for the best. He somehow got himself covered in purple paint that was a nightmare to get off. Bella had sent him some forged documents claiming Nessie was his younger sister he’d won custody of, and he got her enrolled in a nearby school. He lived every day leading up to her arrival staving off a panic attack.

it wasn’t until he was on the way to the airport that he realized he forgot to inform his family about this life update. they must’ve been on a hunting trip, because he got nothing but voicemails 

imagine being Carlisle and you come home to a voicemail from your son who’s banished himself from the family that’s just like ‘hi. you’re a grandfather now. I’m having a nervous breakdown and might crash my car. call me back at your earliest convenience I suppose” like what would you DO

 after he gets to the airport he starts panicking again, realizing Bella had never actually sent him a picture, worrying about how he’d find her, but then- he sees a tiny girl with untamed, dark red curls, features strikingly similar to his own that are pulled into the expression Bella always made when she was reading, absently chewing on her lip, and before she looks at him with her mother’s big brown eyes, he already knows who he’s looking at, and he’s certain if he was human his tear ducts would be having a fit right now

Renesmee, however, seems less willing to have an emotional meeting. She mumbles out a simple greeting before gathering up her bags and heading for the door, Edward rushing behind her to try and help

listen. the awkwardness of Charlie trying to connect with Bella. but 10000x worse because of Edward’s overthinking, self-deprecating ass and Nessie being like ‘ah yes the guy who broke my pregnant teenage mothers heart, fantastic’ lmao

the car ride is p a i n f u l. Edward’s trying so hard for light conversation and Nessie’s barely giving one word answers. Bella had warned her about the mind reading so she was carefully keeping her mind blocked, which Edward is trying very hard to be understanding about instead of annoyed, but By God does he want to know everything about her

when they get back to his place, she quietly thanks him for the room and then promptly locks him out of it lol. He spends the rest of the day just pacing back and forth until he realizes he should eventually feed her lmao

and that’s...kinda how the first couple weeks go. she only emerges from her room if he bribes her with food, she awkwardly tries to dodge his questions, he drives her to school and then begs her to tell him how it went when he picks her up, he spends his college classes distracted because he’s freaking out constantly about how to successfully bond with her. His favorite time of day now is night, because she can’t block her mind while she’s asleep, and even if her dreams are all nonsense they’re still...part of her that he gets to know.

His family keeps begging him to let them meet her, but he’s pushing back because if she’s this bad at adjusting to one new family member, how is she going to handle six more?

(meanwhile Alice and Rose started a group chat with her and are having a ball clowning Edward lmao)

wait ksjflksd I think this vine perfectly sums up the dynamic im envisioning  https://youtu.be/wQZIUHNORHg

anyway they....very slowly make some progress. much too slowly for Edward’s taste, but hey.

Like he finds out snacks she likes. or jewelry she likes. stuff like that and just...wordlessly leaves it around for her lmao. he thinks it’s like trying not to startle a deer, Nessie thinks it’s more like a cat trying to gift you a dead mouse, but either way it’s weirdly endearing.

He notices she always has a huffy little frown when he picks her up on Wednesdays. So instead of begging her for an ounce of information of her school life, he asks her one Wednesday morning if she’s excited for the day and she admits she has an elective class every Wednesday with a girl she doesn’t get along with.

He gets her school photos (and Weeps) and realizes apart from her room the home is fairly barren of decorations, so he buys a bunch of picture frames and hangs up the school shots, and some pictures of the Cullen’s over the years, and the few he has of Bella that he could never bear to part with. Other than catching her smiling at the prom picture of her parents, Nessie doesn’t say anything- but the next time he comes home from hunting, there’s a pile of pictures of her growing up on the table, and he starts weeping all over again as he hangs them up

(there’s one of her and Bella hugging and looking at the camera with identical grins and joy in their eyes, he can’t help but put that in his room. He hopes one day he’ll get to see a scene like that in person)

He starts trying to get her out of her room a little more- he still hasn’t managed to a get a ‘favorites’ list out of her, so he starts playing movies Bella loved, to see if any of them lure her out. some do, some don’t- he got halfway through a Lord of the Rings marathon, which was Torture in his opinion, but then Ness came out and quietly asked if he could restart it and suddenly they became his favorite movies ever.

Bella’s not able to contact her on a set schedule or anything because of her situation (and you can bet your ass Edward’s contacted every vampire he knows and ordered them to help her out if they come across her or the Volturi), and Edward realizes that’s probably taking a toll on the girl, so he starts telling her stories of her mother when he knew her in Forks. She’s particularly amused by the blood typing incident- the first time Edward hears Nessie properly laugh, he literally starts crying on the spot

could you imagine the sheer panic if she ever gets so much as a cold

And yes, she’s still pissed on Bella’s behalf, and yes, she specifically blasts 70s music because Bella told her he hates it one time, and yes, if he looks at her like he’s a kicked puppy one more time she might claw his eyes out, and yes, she refuses to introduce him to her friends from school because she Knows everyone will then start asking her about her ‘hot brother’ and she can’t live with that and also can’t live with him knowing that so she told him if he ever introduces himself to any of her friends she’ll set him on fire, and yes, she’s homesick 95% of the time but...he’s growing on her. like a mold, or something.

(okay, maybe when Seth tried to analyze why Mamma Mia is her favorite musical, he might have had a point. half a point. quarter of a point. shut up.)

And Edward’s still trying to not have a panic attack every time she’s out of his sight- he’s got Carlisle keeping tabs on the Volturi for him, and it’s not exactly hard for him to keep track of her through other people’s minds- but she’s so tiny and her heartbeat is Too Fast and what if she inherited her mother’s unlucky streak??

but they’re toeing the line of co-existing peacefully and Edward’s scared to push it past that

then he has to, because it turns out he sent her to one of Those Schools where the parents have to be involved in the school in some way or another and Nessie’s Annoyed

sdkjfsdkjf she keeps trying to get him to just sign up for like pta meetings or something and he’s like ‘I need you to understand you are the only person in this town I actually know or like I Cannot survive around fundraiser moms I can’t’ 

so she’s like ugh fine I’m in the drama club

listen.....Stage Parent Edward Cullen.......the power this holds...

that’s right this whole post was an elaborate ruse for me to make a musical theater headcanon again lmao

no okay but seriously he starts off just helping build sets and stuff like that but then midway through the year their music teacher gets fired and the schools like begging him to take over because they can’t find someone in enough time that’ll know the music for the show they’re doing and he’s like “I need you to understand Nessie will never talk to me again if I start actually working at her school” and they’re like “She also will never talk to you again if we have to cancel the big musical, though” and he’s like. fuck.

silent treatment for a week and a half

lmao so now he’s trying to juggle being an overly-enthusiastic stage parent who’s making costumes and sets and kinda crying backstage when he sees his daughter in her costume with also being the music director for the damn show and trying to teach a bunch of kids how to read sheet music 

one day he ended up in a coffee shop with the hair and makeup moms, gossiping about the cast’s love lives, and he literally doesn’t know how he got there

is it wrong to pass Nessie in class even though she’s putting all the wrong answers on the test but he Knows she knows the right answers and is only answering wrong to try and get a rise out of him

Bella sneaks into town to see the show- they thought it would push their luck if the pack came, but they sent an ungodly amount of flowers and candy. When she snuck into the house while Ness was sleeping she Was Not expecting to find Edward up to his elbows in sequins, trying to fix a bedazzler he accidentally broke in frustration, muttering under his breath about how if Nessie’s romantic opposite in the show doesn’t keep his thoughts clean he’s gonna kill him- and it just cracks her up. She WAS nervous about seeing Edward again but now she’s assured he’s still a dork lol

So Edward freaks when he sees her but they don’t wanna wake Ness up so they’re trying to be quiet but like. they’re going through it 

Like Bella Wants to be pissed at him but she can’t, she still loves him- and while she can’t just get over what he did to her, it’s also not lost on her that ‘leaving to protect someone I love’ is literally what she had to do to her daughter

And Edward....Edward, who only left to give Bella a chance at a safe, human life, seeing Bella in front of him as a vampire, knowing it’s his fault she ended up that way and she had to go through it alone, had to raise a baby herself because he’d made it so hard to find him...knowing if he’d just pulled his head out of his ass he would have been able to be there for her...would be able to form a coherent sentence around his love right now, would have long and fond memories of Nessie’s childhood, likely wouldn’t have to watch Bella hide from the Volturi...he’s back in a self-loathing spiral already

But they haven’t seen each other in so long and they just don’t want to...deal with the unpleasantness right now, so they just push it aside. Bella helps Edward with the costumes. Edward fills her in on what she’s been missing with Nessie. Bella tells him some stuff about when Ness was younger. They just spend the night talking, and it feels like no time has past between them at all- which just makes the heartaches a little stronger

When Nessie wakes up to her mother there she’s ecstatic- bubbly and loud and glued to Bella’s hip all day, giving her in depth play-by-plays of her school and rehearsals and friends she’s made, bouncing on her toes all morning, hyper, giggly, and- it kind of breaks Edward’s heart a little, even though he knows he hasn’t really...earned this side of his daughter, yet. 

(at least he got his wish of seeing their twin smiles in person)

(he wishes he could see them every second of every day)

so the girls spend the day catching up while Edward mostly feels like a thirdwheel, and then they have to get Ness over to the school so she can get ready

Bella decides to hang out around the school theater before the show actually starts- she leans against the wall next to the piano, the two talking in hushed tones while Edward runs through songs. Bella really missed watching him play- the only thing that managed to drag her away from it was when Nessie called her to the dressing room to help with a hair emergency 

she didn’t talk to him much at intermission, her attention being stolen by the rest of the Cullen family (who had been Very Loudly supporting the show so far, she knew Ness was probably dying of embarrassment backstage)

after the show, the three went back to Edward’s and just...talked. Nessie was gushing about the show and eating while her parents assured her she was the greatest actress ever born, simple stuff like that. she fell asleep sandwiched in between them on the couch 

Bella realizes she’s never going to be able to bring herself to leave again if Nessie wakes up, and tells Edward as much. He clearly doesn’t want her to go just yet either, but...she’s on the run, it’s not like she has much choice 

He has so much he wants to say to her but he just- can’t. it’s not the right time. but he’s hoping she can see that in his eyes

Bella shifts Nessie off her shoulder so Edward can hold her, and she gives him a light kiss and says ‘thank you, Edward’ before disappearing in a flash. she needed to go before she lost her nerve.

Edward can’t bring himself to let Nessie out of his arms, so instead of carrying her to bed he just stays there, holding her, trying his best not to think that that could be the last time for a long time he’d ever see his Bella again, trying not to let thoughts of a life he gave up unwittingly consume him

okay I didn’t mean for this to be So Long so I’m cutting it here uhh...let me know if anyone wants a part 2? sorry lmao

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

Autism and School

Autism affects many aspects of your life, not just social ones like many people think. Autism often occurs with depression, anxieties, OCD, and other mental illnesses. It also presents differently in males than it does in females, making it pretty hard to diagnose sometimes. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 21. I didn't know much about it but I did a TON of research because it scared me to be honest. Reading all about it made so much sense with how I act, but my cousin said something that helped more. She told me that it's something that I've always had my entire life it's just now it has a name. Nothing changed.

But doing research helped me learn a lot and change how I do things to make it easier because you can only run into a brick wall for so long. I hope I can help educate people who didn't even know where to begin like me as well as provide a place for conversation to happen and tips spread.

I have found that studying can be really hard especially when your head doesn't want to cooperate. You yell at it to do this thing but it says you can only do the other thing and it drives you insane. I find that fighting it doesn't help much. Instead, I have to bribe my brain. If I study for an hour, I get to play video games. Usually hyperfixation kicks in while studying and I focus well, forgetting about my reward. Sometimes though, every minute is pain and overwhelming. When that happens, I give myself a break. Honestly I don't know if doing so just feeds the behavior like giving into OCD things or not, but I don't know how else to mitigate that.

For projects, I try to force a hyperfixation by finding something in it I find cool. Then presenting isn't as bad because hey this is super cool and my brain wants me to tell everyone. But finding that thing gets hard and can make a project content heavy in only one part while very lacking in other parts. So I try to find small points in every topic (which is draining tbh).

Keeping on top of a schedule is honestly the best thing I have done for myself. It helps make sure I eat, hydrate, work, shower, and clean without freaking out over something. It also allows me to monitor foods and activities and see how they impact me mentally and physically, allowing me to make more educated decisions for myself. I know now that if I read in the afternoon, I tend to be calm the rest of the day whereas if I sleep in past 9 or 10am I know I will be stressing and freaking out all day.

Some days going to classes are difficult. That's why I wear makeup. I hate wasting money. If I put on makeup but stay home, I've wasted that makeup, time, and money. So therefor putting on makeup forces me to go to class. I also use this trick when I'm really depressed and I know I need to leave the house.

I find that focusing in class is easier when I have a distraction present as well. That way I'm not trying to focus on focusing and then getting stressed and anxious. Instead I let myself have a distraction which keeps me calm and happy and let's me focus without trying to force it.

I keep comfort items with me wherever I go as well which helps me be calm and happy. I feel more secure in class. Jackets are amazing for this for me. They give me a chance to "hide" and be cozy and focus. Journals are also great. I used to journal a lot and definitely need to get back into it.

I don't know a whole bunch about stimming or anything like that and most of what I read is targeted towards parents or children and it doesn't help much. From what I've interpreted, it's something to help ease anxiety and give your brain something to do while focusing on something but beyond that I am completely lost. A lot of autism tips say try stimming but fail to go into detail as to how and what, since many people have been able to grow up with help and education towards their autism so it's seen as common knowledge in the community. Other things I have no idea how to even go about is helping when my brain just freaks out. Like if something isn't done specifically and I break down and stuff. Its not the same as my OCD break downs and rituals. And hypersensitivity also. It is absolutely horrible and I have zero idea how to help that too, so if you know, I'd love to hear!!!!

Share your experiences, tips, and advice as well with autism and classes if you feel safe doing so. I would love to hear more about it all and would enjoy any advice y'all provide. I'm always looking for things to help!!!

[lesmismignon]

Satis - Old End Notes Compilation

Posting here because I forgot AO3 has a profile character limit. These are my old end notes from the prologue~chapter 26 (as of April 8, 2024) of Satis that I have removed from their respective chapters because 1) they were outdated af and 2) I wanted the chapters decluttered. This post will be edited and updated continuously with author’s notes of each new chapter. (Click “keep reading” at your own risk, this ended up being so long, I might have to divide it in the future. These read like old diary entries wtf)

prologue - parting words (2016-05-08)

Unlike Pushing Daisies, a happy-go-lucky product of a recent caffeine binge, this has been sitting in my computer for a long, long while, and I've decided to publish it today because it's Mother's Day (Parent's Day where I live).

This entire chapter resulted from my appreciation of Integra and Seras' relationship, which I always felt was portrayed quite profoundly in canon (Manga/OVA). Integra accepts Seras, takes her in, embraces her during her bloodlust, cuts her finger to feed her, and orders her not to die. Though this is intended to be, ultimately, an AxI fic, Integra and Seras' relationship will be an almost equally important pillar of the plot.

I must stress that this takes second priority to Snow White and will be updated only irregularly, if at all, until SW is completed. Which won't be long, I don't know. Headaches are rampant these days. Your responses will be the most welcome and beloved of all energizers. Especially since this is going to be a rather depressing and dramatic ride. I would love to hear what you thought. What will await our favorite Hellsing director, do you think?

01. auld lang syne (2016-06-24)

Here we go, off on another journey.

Thank you all for your feedback and sorry I kept you waiting! I hope you enjoyed this, and I would passionately love to hear what you thought and what you anticipate.

02. palimpsest (2016-07-27)

Good news! Now that Snow White is finished I'll be able to keep a regular schedule for this! And by "regular" I mean something like an update every week or two. This is a rather difficult endeavor, since I have to delve into the emotions of these very complex characters, and being an overemotional person myself, I tend to get overwhelmed. So please be patient with me if I end up being late. I'm always, always trying to deliver my best! I should mention, the quickest way to check my survival is my Tumblr blog. The address is in my bio.

Thank you so much for your wonderful words last chapter and I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well. It was hard, because one, the weather is horrible, and two, the weather is horrible, and three, Integra's situation is so convoluted that even I, the poor masochist who has undertaken this, have to take a breather every now and then. Second chances are really not that fantastic, you know?

Oh! And the rating is for violence, unresolved sexual tension, and, uh, maybe more? I make no promises! Let's see what the future holds.

And because music is such a big part of my writing, shout out to my queen Hamasaki Ayumi, who always manages to dissolve me into a teary ball of tragic romance.

I almost forgot. There will absolutely be no underage sex. No. Just no. Even if Integra is technically fifty-two.

03. eyes of war (2016-08-12)

More Walter to come next chapter.

The weather is hideous and I think I'm suffocating in the humidity. I hope this chapter doesn't seem too affected. God, I am so ready for autumn and the angsty vibes its winds send me!

Thank you all so much. I can't express adequately how I loved reading your responses and how joyed I am with all the ideas you're giving me. I'm afraid this story will start off a bit slow at first, but I'm really hoping to pick up the pace soon. I can say that a few major events are already set in stone and so is the climax. I know you're impatient to get there, but so am I! Let's journey on this rickety barge together. Be aware, though, it might not be what you expect!

Some of you might recall this from one of my notes in Snow White but the way I interpret Walter's defection in the series really can be summed up as jealousy (not the romantic kind). I'm trying to unfold the dynamics of Integra, Alucard and Walter's relationship as plausibly as possible. God, it's hard! They're such difficult children! And there's a reason the genre of this fic is drama. I'm going to spew drama everywhere. Be careful you don't drown in it! Stay tuned.

04. jamais vu  (2016-08-31)

Sleep has eluded me. Oh God, I am exhausted. Next time, my dearest readers. Always, thank you so much, please know that your wonderful words are what keep me going!

05. out of the blue (2016-09-17)

Integra! What are you up to?

Fluff. I needed fluff. And it never is Hellsing if the fluff isn't served with a dash of war and lewdness. And considering what I have planned for the next chapter, you all are going to need to fluff yourselves up with lots and lots of fluff.

Thank you all for your feedback! You all are such stars. I'm so happy you like the poem I chose for Alucard and Integra last chapter. I speak not a stitch of Romanian, but when I discovered that poem I was like, oh? Oh! And I had to use it, of course. I actually preferred poetry when I was in college so understand you'll be seeing poems here and there in my stories. Along with music, they are one of my greatest muses.

So I hope you are contented for now. Until next time, starlit people!

06. déjà vu (2016-10-12)

I did warn you!

Dreadfully sorry for the wait. As you might be able to imagine, this one was a monster. At this point I am just so glad I got it out. Thank you so much for your patience, and your words of kindness and encouragement! I live off them, you must know. But, whew, we do need something sweet to flush out this melancholy, don't we? Cross your fingers for a lighter installment next time, and I may show you mercy! Until then. Happy October, everyone!

07. a meager substitute (2016-10-30)

It so happens that I will reach the end of a chapter, and be at a complete loss as to what I should leave as an end note other than "Thank you" and "I love you" and "You are the sun and moon and stars of my writing process," because I am sure you know all these things already. But good things must go on repeating. So thank you and love you all for your loving support. I cannot believe it's already Halloween. Can you believe it's already Halloween? I wish I could have a share of your credulousness. Well anyway, Happy Halloween! See you soon!

08. cycle (2016-11-19)

The world may be going to pieces but the fic must go on. In which Integra shakes salt everywhere, poor Alucard and Walter become pickles, and Seras is, as always, a cutie patootie.

Sorry, Pip. You know I love you.

I am a very tired bean these days and so I had to cut this chapter off here before it could get too long for me to edit on time. So many apologies for it being on the short side. And thank you everyone so, so much for the two hundred kudos! Wow! Your love is what inspires me to go on!

What will happen next chapter? Where is Alucard? How will Walter fare? Has the future been changed for the better or worse? I cannot answer these questions, but you never know. The plot may be already upon you.

09. spoiled cake (2016-12-20)

Three o'clock in the morning is a lovely hour to update.

Oh my stars. I did not intend for this to take so long. I am terribly sorry for the long wait. At first I was occupied with Pokémon Moon, which was an absolute delight; but after finishing it I was hit with a bout of depression and lost a lot of strength. But I'm back now and I hope this chapter will be your balm. Your words were precious to me during this time, and I can't thank you enough. Let's continue on this journey.

10. bitter, sweet (2017-01-19)

*Sips tea*

*Looks at calendar*

*Spits tea out*

January 19? January 19? What do you mean, it's already January 19?

Wow. Uh, happy new year, everyone. Again, thank you and sorry for the long wait. I wrote quite a bit, scrapped it, wrote again, scrapped it again... There is something about turning a new year that makes one simultaneously hope and despair. I was at a rather difficult place, but presently I've gotten better. I wish this year will be a happy, lucky and safe time for all of you, and I hope I will be able to bring more and better bits to read. It has been quite a while since I uploaded a one shot, hasn't it?

11. ouroburos (2017-03-26)

Yes, it's really me! You're not hallucinating! You've really read through a new chapter of Satis! Wow. Hey guys. It's almost April, the cruelest month. I can't believe how fast the months go by. It's so humbling. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and patience. My new job has really taken a toll on me and I feel uneasy even in this state of employment, and it took a while to muster the time and strength for this update. But while it is late, I poured my soul into this—as usual—so I hope that you enjoyed it and that it has given you a splash of brightness in your day. Have a lovely spring, everyone. I will try to come back as soon as I can.

12. lunacy (2017-06-19)  

Hello! Hello! I hope I find you well on this summer day. I know, I know, I've been terrible. But some things could not be helped, and I had to take the long way to deliver this chapter. Which unofficially marks the unofficial first section of this story. I don't divide them, exactly, but after this chapter we will pick up the pace, so to speak, and get into the nitty-gritty of Integra's situation, find out what's up with the other characters, blow up some skulls, and produce tears—among other things.

I know you have questions, especially concerning the end road this story will take. (Which will take a long time getting to!) This is all I can provide at this point (and some of you will have already read this): I have dropped Hints About The Future Plot. Countless times. Of course, they are never obvious. A word here, a sentence there. You won't know and I've made sure you won't. I don't even think they're worthy to be called hints, they're so insignificant. Nonetheless, they're there. As little, fleeting whimsies.

I think I'll put up a nice little one shot before I upload the next chapter. Thank you always, always for your patience, your interest and your wonderful support.

13. phantom ache (2017-10-31)

Oh, damn, I'm late, I'm late, I'm so late—*looks down at nonexistent wristwatch* *is pointless* *chucks it away*—terribly sorry. And this is far from the longest chapter ever. But it's Halloween, and I had to put this up somehow or I'd be on it after yet another month and sobbing. May this offering appease the spirits, the Great Pumpkin—and you!

Some of you may already know that I have a new job, and while it is much better than my last job, it is very demanding and saps a lot of my free time. I certainly can't promise how long it will be till I can post the next chapter. But it's going to get there, alright? Slowly, but it's getting there. And this chapter may be the most significant yet, but you won't know that till it gets there, will you? *winks* Until next time, darlings!

14. fine art (2019-03-31)

April fools. Because you thought I would not update, but I did!

My take on Alucard and Walter's relationship is that they can be civil, even respectful—as shown in canon—when they want to be or have to be, but at the root of it all Walter is too embittered and Alucard is too careless. Also, I totally think Walter and Arthur were in cahoots concerning Alucard's banishment.

It has been so long, it took me a moment to remember how to upload. For much of the last two years, I was stuck in a job in which I was unwisely investing too much of my sanity, though I have met some of the best people of my life there. Now I have a new job. Not a better one, per se, but one that I can build a more organized schedule around.

Thank you, everyone. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for enjoying this fic.

Special thanks to my friends J, T, and A, for being there even when I felt I would never be able to write again.

15. invisible numbers (2019-12-25)

Merry Christmas.

16. ever-immutable (2020-12-31)

If this feels like near the end, it is not. It's about halfway-ish, I expect.

Hello, it is I, the holiday cryptid. Jokes aside though, I am glad that I was able to wrap up this strange year with at least one update.

The ideas are still in my head. The love and anger and spite and sorrow I have for the characters still flow. And I shall endeavor to finish this story, even if it takes years.

Important: I will be undergoing an (unscheduled) re-editing of earlier chapters. Mostly grammatical, some minor word changes perhaps, but none that will change the plot, of course. Actually, I really want to edit out my author's notes, because they clutter the chapters up and are so outdated. If anyone misses them though, I'll move them to my bio. This note will also be relocated come next chapter.

Even when I am away from writing, I always read your comments. I appreciate them deeply, and I hope you will tell me your thoughts. Happy new year, may it be a better one for all of us.

17. event horizon (2020-01-29)

in this house we stan Alucard and Integra and their weird dietary choices

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments. Please know I thrive on your insights and speculations.

Editing of earlier chapters is done for now and author's notes have been moved to the link in my profile. I would fix more but that would be disingenuous. Thank you all for putting up with my five-year-old writing lol.

If you don't mind music suggestions, I recommend Dreamcatcher's "Odd Eye." I was wrapping up the first draft of this chapter when the song was released, and it's scarily relevant. The tone, and the lyrics especially capture the mood I hoped to convey in this chapter. However, the English subtitles on the official mv are pretty disjointed, so you can check out my personal translation of it on my Tumblr.

I hope to see you all again soon.

19. merciful, merciless (2021-03-19)

Spring is a difficult season for me and this came later and shorter than I would desire. I couldn't reply to everyone this time, but please know each and every comment gives me strength. I devour your thoughts and speculations. Thank you as always!

21. meringue (2023-01-24)

~some of my thoughts through the hiatus~

Integra: Alucard don't disappear, Walter don't betray me, Seras let me die a normal death them: sike Integra: ffs

xx

Me: I have the climax, the ending, and even a sequel all ready in my head! smart & sensible people: well u gotta write them down first Me, not smart & sensible: I have to What them What first

xx

if I keep making my otps eat each other's hearts does that count as vore kink

xx

new drinking game: take a shot every "meringue"

and before you ask, yes, I was sorely tempted to title this chapter "meringue" (there was a working title) AND I LOST no, I don't like meringue

xx

Here we are with the beginning of the second half of this adventure! I am very sorry this took so long.

Special thanks to the Fire Emblem Three Houses OST, can't have done this without you

Kidding. Special thanks to everyone who is still reading, still breathing in this fandom, waited, left lovely comments, lovely kudos, believed me when I said I would come back and finish this, even if it takes me another decade.

I shall endeavor to be quicker in the next update.

23. flesh, skin, and bones (2023-05-31) unrelated: guys pls go watch Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 3 in D Minor performed by Yunchan Lim in the 2022 Cliburn Competition, i am in tears

24. last transgression (2023-06-28)

cue me updating during a business trip :D

finally! one from the bucket list completed. The Talk with Walter...

Thank you always! I passionately await your thoughts!

xx

alucard: folks is it possible to be in a devoted equivocal relationship but still pining, jealous of your own self that technically doesn't exist but at the same time does(???) and on top of all that your master/countess/wife may have eaten some kind of weird space and time thingy

walter: man this timeline sucks

25. disintegrate (2023-10-24)

Omake ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊˚

pip: why is the fucking chunnel under construction. do you know how busy i am. you expect me to take a fucking ferry in this situation. rory go steal a chopper what do you mean i'm acting crazy. do you want me to go reverse boomer on you i'm from the future

xx

alucard: i wasn't even late this time and this happened. this is why we can't have nice things

xx

pip: i'm a friend of integra's. seras: integra doesn't have friends. pip: well, shit

xx

walter: did i mention i hate this timeline

26. oceans of time (2023-11-25)

tfw when the future not only destroys your past, it barges in while you're having dinner and dropkicks your head into your soup

one angry knight wrapped in red, delivered! ;*

Would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you always and forever.

[robin-the-enby]

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a matchup for Black Butler? My pronouns are She/They and I’m bisexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. Because of me dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome things like slashers and murder documentaries. A friend of mine even likes to call me “discount vomitboyx”. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. I’m not good with overly sensitive or dramatic people at all, and I can’t stand kids. I’m a huge animal person though, I adore cats. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’m the type of person that has very strong morals and opinions. I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and become aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Godsmack, Mindless Self Indulgence, Get Scared, sometimes Tally Hall or Mother Mother ). I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from Aspergers autism, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m overly stressed or mad. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

Salutations to you too! Thank you for requesting! We actually share the same Myers Briggs type, I'm an INFJ too! That said, I match you with: Undertaker

Undertaker is definitely someone who has no problem with socializing, but keeps to himself.

He doesn't come off as intimidating, not that he can't be, he's one of the most powerful shinigami in the (after)world, but as we've seen, there's a more silly vibe to him.

He is very curious, so it makes sense he would take interest in you and try to make you warm up to him.

He also likes dark clothes, and prefers comfort over fashion imo, but he's still a ray of sunshine and your dark, but kind of cutesy appearance would draw him in like a moth to light.

Despite the theatrics he puts on, I think that when nobody's around, he's pretty laid back. Very easy to get along with.

If you have a hard time talking to him at first, he doesn't mind it. He can talk for the both of you, but if you don't want to, that's fine with him as well.

Would love your humor, even if he was the butt of the joke, but if you could tell him some dark ones as well, he'd be over the moon!

Undertaker likes all things gruesome and gory, listening to true crime documentaries/podcasts will be one of his favourite past time activities with you!

He would definitely like if you'd share your hobbies with him, I can definitely see him jamming to a few bands that you mentioned.

He is very intrigued how your entire behaviour changes when you're around animals. Although I don't think he is much of a animal person, people are more intriguing to him imo, he'd love to watch you snuggle a stray kitty and would definitely let you bring it back home. Not permanently, but to feed it and let it warm up. If you want to feed stray cats, that's fine with him as well. Just put some milk and treats behind the backdoor and wait.

I'm pretty positive you'd hate Ciel. Because even though he is incredibly strong mentally and pretty smart for a 12yo., he is still a spoiled brat. And if you think Undertaker wouldn't laugh his ass off watching you quietly seethe whenever the young earl and his demonic butler came to his humble shop, you are gravely mistaken. He doesn't mean anything bad, he just can't help but find it hilarious.

He is a very cuddly/touchy person. So you can kiss touch-starvation goodbye and send it to someone you hate! Istg this man could live off of hugs, cuddles and handholding. Maybe he is some sort of vampire, anything is possible with him, really.

He would find the fact that you sleep with plushies very cute. They make cuddling so much more enjoyable too! He likes this little fact about you, at least he knows what to give you for birthdays etc.

He may not seem like it, but like I said earlier, he's not as much of an airhead as he presents himself to be. Quite the opposite actually, he is very intelligent and perceptive, having been around people for such a long time. He would definitely notice if something was off with you.

He'd ask you about it, but wouldn't force you to tell him anything that you don't want to. He is curious about what goes up in your pretty little head, don't get me wrong, but he just wants to know what's wrong, so that he can figure out/ask/study how he can help you.

He wouldn't coddle you or anything like that, if you need time alone, he'll give you just that, but he wouldn't like seeing you struggle. He always let's you know that you don't have to handle all these things alone, that he'll try to aid you however he can if you let him and that you are loved and appreciated for who you are.

He's really great at being there for you without it being overwhelming or forced.

[loser-writings]

Ok I have a kinda angsty HC about omega hawks heat. Either he can’t/won’t take suppressants or the during the few heats that happen despite taking them his agency/the commission kinda hire anon alphas that specialise in helping omegas physical/sexual need during heats w/o making any kinda emotional attachment, no scenting, no cuddles, nothing. So the 1st time hawks goes through heat w someone who actually loves him is like ! Eye contact? Kisses? Stay & cuddle after?? He’s crying & so am I -🦇

Oh my god Bat Anon I love this so much. So I just went off to my friend today about hawks (Its such a love/hate with a huge love lean) and this FITS SO WELL with my headcanons about him. SO if you excuse me! Ima just play off of this with a few of my own as well. 

Also if you use an emoji for your anon, there will be a special tag made for you. Just wanted to point that out.

Omega! Hawks with his heat [Headcanons]

Warning: Mention of depression, N/sfw, Omegaverse, Heats

(Not my GIf btw)

Hawks really has no idea how to show emotion, and when HIS emotions show, its’s very overwhelming for him. The Government spent so long teaching him that his opinions don’t matter and feelings don’t matter, so he is just sort of numb to everything. When he feels his raw emotion breakthrough, you better expect to see a very lost and confused Hawks.

He can’t take suppressants at all. He tried taking multiple different types, but he’s allergic to the majority with the exception of one brand. That one brand made him extremely depressed, unmotivated, and sick though. So HPCS just decides “Fuck it, Just keep him off of it. We may lose him for a week every 3 months, but it’s only a week.”

I think that HPCS would hire Betas to take care of Keigo when he hits his heat. Since Betas don’t go into a rut whenever an Omega goes into a heat, they are there just to make sure that Keigo doesn’t get hurt. Past every wave of his heat, they will check on him and help him recover a bit.

They can’t scent anything since their scents would be so weak, so there goes scenting items to help him, but they do have sort of an artificial alpha pheromone. (Think of This post as what they use) Downside to THAT is that he has a sensitive nose and stomach when his heat hits. Certain smells will trigger him to get sick and those nasty fake alpha scents will have him throwing up.

Because of the lack of emotion put into his care, he suffers from some of the WORST sub drop. Like yeah the unnamed Betas may feed him when he doesn’t want to eat, they force him to stay hydrated, and make him baths fairly often, but the emotional aspect of heats are extremely draining. He is getting nothing that he needs despite being around people so he just gets really sad and depressed. It’s one of the few moments where he really gets in his own head and questions everything.

Once he hits 18, they really stop having the Betas take care of him due to him getting fairly aggressive about it? Like yeah, sure, they keep him fed and hydrated but they also make him so severely touch starved and lonely. HPCS now just lets Keigo take care of his heats himself at his house.

Him getting an Alpha is a huge deal for him since he has so much baggage, so the idea of spending a heat with them?? He is dying at the thought. Sure, he may keep his cocky facade up and tease to try to keep the Alpha flustered, but he is so scared of having an alpha present for his heat. Especially since he knows how needy and depressed he can be. 

Yet when his heat hits, he quickly shoots a text from his personal phone (He has one the HPCS doesn’t know about) to let you know what’s going on. Luckily you show up right after one of the waves had passed, so he just quickly pulls you into the house before rushing back to his nest. 

He becomes so quickly overwhelmed by how different his Alpha is compared to how the Betas were. You came with a bag of things he might need, and he is honestly so shocked he tears up then and there. You pull out an old thin shirt that had been modified for his wings and some thinner boxers made specifically for heats; He is instantly crawling into them because they are so heavily scented and it makes his omega purr. You have so much water, and you politely ask him to drink and lay back against the huge make shift chair that was in the corner of his nest. After that, you carefully wrap ice packs around the back of his neck, his wrists, and his chest. He is shocked by how his body seemed to cool and how he could think clearly.

He doesn’t have a heat wave for almost an hour, and in that time you managed to prepare multiple other things on standby before pulling him into your arms, scenting him as well as you could. Maybe it was the heat or overwhelming amounts of love he felt, but he stared crying right there. He didn’t mean to, and he was so thankful you didn’t press him for why he was crying, but it was just so nice to be cared for this way.

Also this man is the SOFTEST during his heat. He will babble, cry, cling to you, scratch your back, bite, beg, and he will tell you that he loves you over and over again. Unlike his old heats where he suffered, he is in complete bliss.

He completely gets off to seeing your eyes scanning his body hungrily. Feeling your hands running across his skin as you compliment him over and over. (Body worship and praise him please. He may act confident but this man will cry and feel so validated) He absolutely loves kissing too. He isn’t the best at it and it can be a bit sloppy, but he really does put it all in it since he is so caught up in the moment. Also PLEASE leave hickeys all over this man. He will ask that they be in places he can hide, but seriously. When he wakes up next to you in between waves, he will admire the red and purple marks going down his chest and covering his inner thighs. Also if you are a little bit goofy, leave shapes on him. He will laugh so hard seeing a Smiling face on his hip or trace the heart shaped hickeys on his chest for hours. 

Aftercare with him during his heat is actually fairly simple. Praise him a LOT. He will get insecure and sad, so run your fingers through his hair and wings. Let your fingers dance over his chest as you reassure him that he is safe with you. He will tear up again and laugh, trying to cover up how much your words mean to him since he is so used to feeling like shit after a wave.

When he is knotted, he will cling to you and mumble under his breath. You can catch bits and pieces. “I’m so happy,” “Not a fuckup,” “Deserves love,” and more similar little realizations he has that yeah, he may have baggage but he also deserves this. He deserves to be happy and feel loved. He will fall asleep with the happiest and most genuine smile on his face in your arms.

Once his heat has ended, he has 2 days to recover since he used to pull feathers out due to stress and to get him things. With you there, he spends it eating, cuddling you, and binge watching shitty TV. Newest season of Rupauls drag race? Oh he is so in it. He also will have some deeper conversations at night, confessing some of the things he did and even discussing plans for the future.

He admits that one day he hopes that crime dies down because he wants this. He wants to come home every day to you and maybe even some kids in the future. He might mumble that last part, but he does confess that he wants at least one kid in the future. When you asked the most kids he would want, you were surprised when he said 5. “I would love to have a big family, but if you only want one kid, then that’s fine with me too.”

He originally hated his heat cycles, but now he loves them so much because he has an excuse to be pampered, spend time with you, and dream of the future. He doesn’t have to be “Winged Hero; Hawks” but instead he gets to be Keigo Takami, someone who still has lots to figure out, but is so thankful to have someone to help him along the way,

[fernweh-writes]

Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a romantic matchup for a horror slasher? My pronouns are They/Them and I’m pansexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus, moon sign is Gemini. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. Because of me dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome and morbid things like slashers and murder documentaries. I also like to visit abandoned hospitals and houses just for fun, along with playing quite a few escape rooms. A friend of mine even likes to call me "discount vomitboyx". I’ve also been called "doomer boy kinnie", and "Remake of Daria" before. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. Lots of people don’t like me or stay away from me because of my rude behavior. I’m not good with overly sensitive or overly annoying people at all because of that, and I can’t stand kids. Idiocy can get on my nerves too sometimes. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’m the type of person that has lots of opinions on things but I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Arch Enemy, MurderDolls, Slipknot, Get Scared, sometimes Will Wood, Jazmin Bean or Mother Mother, etc. ), or even occasionally gaming on my switch or read and talk about Greek mythology. I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being very submissive, and I suffer from asperger syndrome, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m stressed or mad. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - coii

I can’t even count how many times I used the wrong version of your/you’re cause I’m on mobile. When I use my phone my respect for grammar gets thrown out the window I’m so sorry bestie…

-Fern🌿

Billy Loomis & Stu Macher

A s/o who’s a bit chaotic and a lot like them? Sign them up! The three of you will be breaking into abandoned places all of the time. Luckily for you, Billy and Stu are smarter than people give them credit for so y’all getting caught being any place you shouldn’t be is highly unlikely.

Of course, having a s/o who is into horror and true crime is always a plus for these two considering that they are obsessed with both of them.

They see you’re height as a bonus. Having a short s/o makes them feel dominant and powerful. It’s so easy for them to just pick you up and move you around and it really gets them going.

Your sarcasm never comes off as rude to them seeing as their sense of humor is also pretty morbid and twisted. Plus, we’ve all seen the way those two treat poor Randy, being mean is their version of humor. So while other people might think you’re being rude, they simply thing that you’re absolutely hilarious.

Your occasional feisty nature is also extremely entertaining to them. They honestly find it cute. However, they also understand when you get closed off and just need time to yourself. Stu is very clingy but after how long he’s put up with Billy he’s gotten used to giving the people close to him their space when they need it. Billy also shuts people out and likes to be alone whenever he’s upset or overwhelmed so he respects your alone time.

Billy likes to hear you ramble on about your interests. Whether it’s about a recent Greek myth you’ve read about, a book, true crime documentary, etc he’ll listen to every little detail. Well okay maybe he zones out occasionally but he promises he’s trying his best to pay attention.

Stu has plenty of money and only feeds your plushie addiction. If you keep them on the bed expect him to jump on the pile of them whenever he comes over. Billy gets annoyed by them saying that they only get in the way and there’s no reason for you to have so many.

You won’t know what touch starved is after just a week with Stu. He constantly hangs on people and since you’re small he enjoys just picking you up and carrying you around like a child with a toy they’re attached to. If he needs to get up and grab something don’t think he’s gonna break away from cuddling, you’re coming with him whether you like it or not.

[scretladyspider]

ADHD when it was misdiagnosed and untreated was literally ruining my life. I’m not exaggerating. I would be able to create to a point, but then be unable to wash my dishes for months. I’d be unable to actually get my mail. I’d be unable to go to work, leave my house - do anything but drink and pace, if I could even do that. Just unable and unable to explain why

And I don’t think people always get it when I could not do something that means it actually was, in that moment, impossible.

Actually literally impossible, that it was not an exaggeration that I could. not. do. it. It could be a simple thing, like feeding my cats, a hard thing like my laundry, or even a fun thing like watching a funny movie I know I love. It wasn’t an excuse to get out of work, it was me crying actual tears of frustration staring at my dishes mentally beating the shit out of myself mentally because goddamit it’s the dishes that’s a thing people do every fucking day what’s wrong with you you lazy dipshit now you’re gonna be late for work stop focusing on your makeup what the FUCK

And it’s not just with tasks, it’s with emotions too. Did you know self harm like cutting/burning and that kind of thing is suuuuuuper common for young girls with ADHD even when it’s treated? Suicidal thoughts aren’t uncommon either and it can be misdiagnosed as depression and you just can’t get yourself to feel better and you don’t know WHY and cutting can be a form of stimming so you get addicted, but you also get SO EXCITED and then your teacher tells you off and you feel as if you’re actually about to faint or die because you feel dysphoria because you’ve been rejected (or so you think) by someone you desperately want to like you and everyone around you can’t understand why every emotion is so big for you and so you’re constantly being scolded and then people ask “why are you so hard on yourself” and you don’t have an answer anymore because no one seemed to listen when life hurt so much you wanted to kill yourself so why would they listen now

And then everything is loud or you feel intensely uncomfortable but no one around you is, so surely you’re just making it up, and your grades are fine but your internal life feels like you deserve to be hurt

and everything HURTS AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHATS GOING ON OR WHY YOURE LIKE THIS THOUGHTS ARE SO LOUD AND FAST WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS WHY

and then I took medication

and it calmed for the first time I could swim instead of drown

I didn’t even know I could swim because no one ever taught me they just kept throwing me in the water and not understanding why I didn’t want to leave my raft

it didn’t stop, it definitely is always there, but on meds I could fucking think and recognize when I was stuck and sort through steps instead of actually panicking if I even tried to write them down

The world wasn’t so overwhelming, I could do things and function and not just sleep all the time because life was just so much when I was medicated for the first time

I suspect untreated ADHD is probably a huge contributor to suicide in young people because how could it not be? How could anyone feel this overwhelmed at all hours of the day and night and never become anxious or depressed or stressed and how perfectly reasonable for death to cross your mind when your very existence hurts and you don’t understand why??

Untreated ADHD is hell - even if you don’t take medication if you at least have strategies that’s something but I had no idea what I was going through

ADHD is not trivial, even though we can seem childish at times, it is in fact a serious disorder that effects every part of your life

and I wish that it was taken seriously consistently because fuck, geez, this is so much to live with and so many doctors, people around me, coworkers, strangers and so many people roll their eyes as if this isn’t a huge part of my life that I need help with consistently and just I look at my younger self and I feel so sad for that anxious, depressed, strange feeling little girl who felt like an alien without any instructions

I’m emotional about this okay

[beautifuldarkmind]

tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

[calypsoff]

Eighty Nine. Part 4

Hearing footsteps around the room and I was quick to lift my head up in shock “just me” the nurse said smiling “sorry, I didn’t want to wake you both, just come to check on Rylee again” nodding my head as I stretched out my body, that feels good “it’s cool” I managed to say; I didn’t even realise I fell asleep like that. Robyn was the one that was supposed to sleep, and I was supposed to watch over Rylee, but I was so tired and got comfortable and fell asleep, crossing my arms across my chest still sleepy, it’s still midnight here “how has she been? Did she not wake up? That’s kind of worrying, you know?” The nurse turned to me “understandable but she is very exhausted, babies sleep a lot of hours, and she didn’t get that, the tubes are feeding her and keeping her hydrated, we are going to give her some medication which may wake her, but you got to understand that she has lacked a lot of sleep” she has a point, looking down at Robyn. She is sleeping like a baby, her head on my thigh and her body laid on on the chairs, wasn’t the best sleep but it’s something and she wasn’t leaving the room, but she is asleep finally. She said she was going to lay her head on my shoulder but ended up on my thigh, I don’t mind it at all “I will be back, going to give her some medication” nodding my head, I am so sleepy right now. Robyn is lucky she is facing away because the way she is drooling on me, I swear down she can be a nasty sleeper at times. But it’s stressful times for us, it’s not nice to have your child hooked up to machines like this. I wish it was me on the bed, she doesn’t deserve this at all, my pookie really doesn’t.

The nurse came back in with another gentleman, I was going to question who that was, but he has the uniform on, I just didn’t like how he looked at Robyn straight away as he came in, like why are you looking at her “just need a little help, ok?” Nodding my head, I don’t mind it, but I just didn’t like his look, placing my hand over Robyn’ back. He cannot look at my wife asleep actually, nosey as fuck. Looking down at Robyn again, I have missed her so much. Man I am in love, even seeing other females they don’t compare to her at all, they really don’t, and they even tried it with me but no, I could never get another Robyn. Rihanna on the other hand is a problem, she is so wild and don’t give a fuck “hello Rylee” looking away from Robyn and then the sharpest and loudest cry came out of her mouth, the same cry she was doing when Robyn broke down, Robyn got up ever so quick “my baby; my baby” she said in a panic “I think she needs some faces she knows” Nicole said, getting up from the chair and Robyn was already at the bedside “I will give you a moment to calm her down, she is scared which I don’t blame her” I felt my heart just being squeezed, like someone is squeezing my heart. Seeing that Rylee is awake and the cry, she is frightened “Rylee Oh my baby, oh my god. Mommy is here, I know. I would hold you, I would” I feel genuinely sick that my daughter is going through this, and we can’t hold her because of the tubes, my stomach dropped, Rylee is literally wanting to be with Robyn, the way she is crying and reaching to her. I feel nausea “you got something” I looked to Nicole “you going to be sick?” Nodding my head, I can feel my tongue going weird on me “here” she was on time as I was about ready to be sick.

I don’t know what happened to me there but I just felt sick, not in a bad way but the whole situation just made me nauseous, to see Rylee in distress and to see her wanting Robyn she just wanted Robyn so much and it pained me to see, I don’t know how Robyn kept strong because I want to snatch her and hold her close “are you ok?” Robyn asked, nodding my head “look who’s here, daddy is here. He has come to see you, he has been here for you baby, yes he has” Rylee’ sore eyes, she is just watching Robyn intently, every movement she does Rylee is watching. Robyn is resting on the bed and is ever so close as she can to her, but she’s quiet “hurt me, to see her like that” my voice broke, looking away “yeah, I’m good now” I need to be strong “she was scared, I didn’t want to cry because she was already crying, she needed me, you know” I understand “I know, just pained me seeing” leaning in closer to Robyn and got into Rylee’ eye view “hey pookie, oh wow. Look at you ma, hey. You getting better for us? I miss you so much chunky mama” Nicole came over to us “we decided to put the medication in her feeding tube” Rylee let out a nasty cough “sounding like you smoking baby, you got that smokers cough” Rylee will not stop staring, she is at peace and I can tell she is “I love you so so so much” Robyn pressed a kiss to her forehead “I just want you back in my arms, I do” my poorly baby, I hate this “she will fall asleep, when the medication kicks in. We will check on her again” nodding my head not really paying attention because I just can’t keep my eyes off my daughter “you just want to stare at mommy don’t you, I won’t leave your side. Promise” Rylee is really giving Robyn the look to not move, she isn’t having her move at all.

My thumb lightly stroking Robyn’ shoulder, Rylee is drowsy. Her eyes are slowly starting to close, the medication is kicking in clearly “I saw the life inside your eyes” Robyn lightly sang to Rylee, her thumb lightly stroking her forehead as she did “eye to eye, so alive. We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky” she said in a whisper and kissed her forehead “you going to sing me to sleep too? You ain’t ever done that to me” Robyn moved back and laughed “I actually have a song for you, it’s called fuck you” she is so rude “not even a croaky note?” Robyn walked by me “croaky note? See this is why you don’t get the nice things” walking behind her, she is so sassy, and I love it when she is like this. Robyn picked her bag up from the floor “Man, fuck your pride, just take it on back, boy. Take it on back boy, take it back all night” she sang and then looked at me smirking “is that from your first album” she scoffed “you’re so fake, not even a real ass fan. You will hear it soon, I am excited for you to listen to it actually but that is all you will get” that sounds a lot like a song that is about me, I bet she has some songs that are calling me a fuck nigga, everyone is going to know and dislike me, that has just come to mind now, she has got songs about me, I just know it.

Robyn is once again getting comfy to sleep, I say comfy but breaking her back to sleep on this shit “thank you for your jacket” she said, nodding my head. She sat back and rested her head on my shoulder “you made songs about me?” I have to ask “mhmm you will have to hear the songs now, I shall not confirm or deny this” I sniggered “I am scared you know but anyways, you jumped up pretty fast when Rylee cried” I am shocked how quick she was “I heard my daughter and I jumped, just to hear her needing me. I mean if I gave you a chance she would have you too, I just feel so awful you know. I just want to make it up to her, to make her comfortable that I am here for her, she doesn’t need to worry. I haven’t even checked my phone; not like I care anyways. Just I know my team will think I am in my depressive mood; they know we are going through our bad patch and stuff. I just don’t want nobody to know about Rylee, I just want it to be private. So we can also get some peace” she has a point “I just want Rylee off the tubes, I hate that shit on her. You know what, seeing Rylee look at you. She is so in love Robyn, like it made me all mushy inside. The reason I was sick oh yeah, just seeing the whole thing. Rylee wanting you to hold her and her crying, it just hurt me, I felt overwhelmed, but Rylee adores you so much, that is pure love” Robyn cooed out “she loves you too” rolling my eyes “sure, I haven’t been there to let her love me” I mumbled, it’s the truth because I have been useless.

Just as I was going to fall asleep my phone light made me open my eyes even more, Barry is calling me. I mean I have his number still, but he is calling me, really he is calling me, and I find this so random too that he is. I didn’t want to pick up but I had too, I just had to know what the fuck he want to be honest, answering the call “what’s up?” I mumbled, not like I know what he wants or where his mindset is at “I know you probably wasn’t expecting me to call you, I can only imagine you thinking why but it’s not something to fuck about with you know” Barry said, he sounds like the Barry I knew, like what the hell “what you on?” I said “I am sorry to hear about your daughter, it’s not the best thing to be going through and I fucked up but I feel for you and I hope she is ok, I am praying for her” staring at the wall ahead of me confused as shit, I mean first of all Barry is calling me and talking to me like a normal person but how did he know about my daughter “erm, how did you know?” what the fuck, moving my phone back from my ear, TJ is now calling me. Seeing notifications coming through like crazy “sorry, say that again” I didn’t catch that “TMZ, it came up. It upset me to know so I just wanted to say sorry about it and I am praying for her” I wasn’t expecting that at all “ok” I mumbled “thank you, I need to go but thank you” disconnecting the call, I am just getting a lot of shit coming through and I don’t need it right now. Swiping down and putting my phone on do not disturb, who the hell leaked that shit. Going onto Google and going straight onto TMZ, I need to see what the fuck is being said. As soon as the website loaded it was the first thing ‘Rihanna six month daughter rushed to hospital’ tapping on the headline, Robyn is not going to be happy, I do not blame her either because this is so unfair, not something we need. They even know it’s RSV, scrolling down they would mention about Drake and I and the drama, I really hate these niggas at TMZ, they have everyone on their pay roll, it’s so wack.

Hospital food is wack, even on private but it’s food so I will just eat it. I haven’t mentioned it to Robyn about the whole TMZ issue, we are just quiet. The sound of the beeping will be engraved in my mind forever, not something you want to hear when it’s your daughter “I know” Robyn said randomly “know what?” looking in confusion, just about to drink “they know” licking my top lip, she really knows “how?” I asked “I was walking the hallway and the TV had the news on, I just saw my face and they said Rihanna six month old. I guess it’s life, nobody will ever keep a secret of mine because who am I. I am no Jay Z and Bey, everything of mine comes out, I just this one time I didn’t want this to come out not until my daughter is ok. The public is so entitled, they have to know. I know some love and care, but this needed to be just for us, it’s our daughter. I just can’t even deal with explaining because I don’t need too” nodding my head understanding “then don’t, stay silent until you are ready, Barry called me” Robyn’ eyes bulged out “no way?” nodding my head “exactly, he just said I know stuff happened but I ain’t that bad, I am sorry to hear about your daughter. At that point I didn’t know so I was confused until I read it, then I felt bad because you said about not wanting anyone to really know” Robyn nodded her head “but it’s happened, and I won’t answer anyone until my daughter is in my arms” I support that, she is right.

[quiltwork]

TW: Processing Session of Abandonment

I’ll be talking about the swift detour my aunt and cousins took from being in my early life, to becoming distant and haughty in my preteens onwards. And the transformation that took place after much prayer and coming clean with them how I felt all these years...

My aunt gives the minor details I couldn’t remember, I was 8-9 years old. Around the time of my grandma’s death. My aunt was depressed despite the new apartment and job. 

I was spending the night and I couldn’t sleep. Too uncomfortable for some reason, cold, a hard bed, whatever it was. I get up and ask for her, and she sends me back to bed, but I still can’t sleep. 

She gets more and more agitated with me, telling me to leave her alone and go back to bed, I’m not trying hard enough. Eventually she either goes to sleep on the couch and ignores me, or wakes up and yells at me at this point. I go to bed crying and until I fall asleep.

I wake up to find her gone. Her house is more freezing than a normal house should, as far as I knew. I think my cousins wake up at some point. I get hungry faster than them. 

I’m utterly confused and shocked there’s no one around to feed me, so I sing an annoying song about it, hoping to gain attention. 20 minutes later, my cousins wander in and chime, “What are you doing?”. After I explain, they cook me something. One cousin is just a year older than me, while the other is by three. 

I start to feel shame that they are able to take care of themselves and I’m not, though I know it’s rude to rummage through cabinets and fridges without permission, I know at least my mom feeds me. So I am silently enraged about this. 

Later, after my aunt comes home and her boyfriend is here, something sets me off about my family and I’m arguing back. I feel justified for the previous reason I couldn’t remember and put into words other than childish backtalk like, “You’re not my mom!”. My aunt wouldn’t listen, so she told her boyfriend to take me home.

I’m even more shocked why I’m being dropped off instead of someone asking me why I’m upset. I’m yelled at to get out of the car, and I run inside my home crying. I never spend the night again.

By my preteens, my cousins no longer come over to play. I ask about them, and my mom says they’re outgrowing me to try bad things I wouldn’t be interested in. 

One day, I walk down to the apartment myself to hang out with them, and I find my oldest cousin hanging out with his friends, who laugh at him when they find out we’re related. When they ride off on their bikes, he tells me to go home. I try to tell him I’ve missed him and came out here to see him, and doesn’t he love me anymore? “No. Go home.” 

“Fine”, I say. I never see my other cousin... until she and my aunt move in when I’m 13.

We’re just roommates who ride the same bus to the same school. We come home, and she leaves and does her own thing, or stays in the laundry room to get high with my aunt. I try to hang around to form bonds again, but no one notices I’m there.

I only gain her respect after all my friends show up at our conjoined birthday party, and none of hers do. She doesn’t join the party, but stays inside. I never knew I was a loser to her, but what am I now...?

I find without trying I can make her and my aunt laugh. So they call me in to make me “do something funny” on the spot, but when my actual attempts fall stale, my aunt shoos me away with, “Okay, we’re done. Go away”, snickering. And I leave, feeling used. This continues for years, even after they move out, they call for a joke, not to know me and wonder how I’m doing.

I try and fail at every family gathering to reconnect, to no avail. Just scornful looks and tones that say “Why are you trying so hard? Go away”. Or looks of distress at not being able to handle talking to me because “my autism makes it so hard to understand”. I am told over and over I am too childish and lack the life experiences that they’ve had and continue to go through, that they could never get back on my level for me.

As my mom regains her lost relationship with my aunt, with my aunt never asking to talk to me, I think about my cousins living and reconnecting with family through their newborns without me, one even moving out of state and I am so shattered that I finally reach out. I begin to get honest for the very first time. All of the hurt, all of the hiding, how I wish things could be different and could they be?

The oldest cousin responded well. He was very supportive. Said I never deserved it and promised he would be there. My other cousin only saw me at first as being inconsiderate of her own suffering she felt she endured living with me and my mom, sleeping on a mattress that she broke in the living room while her mom got the couch. Witnessing my sister’s verbal/emotional abusive tendencies and domestic violence, being on the receiving end once herself. 

How she was focused on surviving and growing up and she had no time for me and my childish ways, gaslighting my perspective and mocking me for keeping my grudge this long. I say I’m trying my best to be honest now, and I still love her, and she loves me too... but she doesn’t respond for months. 

I continue praying that God would restore my family somehow, to some degree, or that I could move on and be okay. I forgive her later and decide to be the bigger person and be kind to her in encouraging words, asking for them back as well, and she agrees. 

The amazing thing, after all those months of prayer, I go on vacation with everyone for the first time, and everyone acknowledged me throughout the week. How precious I was to them. With a thoughtful card, gifts and a cake with more cake on my birthday, I am overwhelmed at the possibility that this is really happening. I am overjoyed. 

My aunt had agreed with me on the phone whenever I took it from mom that I felt used by them, saying I shouldn’t have to feel that way. After these sessions, I finally told her about the traumas, why I was so paranoid of starving on vacation, of not being safe. She reveals she didn’t mean to hurt me, she could see how I felt that way and did what I did in hiding my true feelings from everyone. We truly make up and hope to start over.

Like a lot of my other traumas, I wore masks for survival/love, especially with the school and emotional neglect, and time has erased others’ memories of my events. I can only say that she was too busy with adult stresses and her own unresolved childhood traumas, that she didn’t have the adult mentality I needed when I was growing up around her. Much like her children didn’t grow empathy until after having children of their own. Even though they all loved me somewhat.

I can rest finally with God taking care of my family and breaking the cycle on so many threads. I must continue to pray for others, though. 

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: The Rebellion of Adrien Agreste, ch. 9

Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Juleka Couffaine/Rose Lavillant, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Luka Couffaine, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug & Kagami Tsurugi, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Luka Couffaine, Lila Rossi/karma, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/aneurism, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug/Kagami Tsurugi, Plagg & Tikki

Characters: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth, Lila Rossi, Jagged Stone, Plagg, Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Luka Couffaine, Penny Rolling, Anarka Couffaine, Rose Lavillant, Juleka Couffaine, Kagami Tsurugi, Alya Césaire, Chloé Bourgeois, Wayhem, Nadja Chamack, Nathalie Sancoeur, Sabine Cheng, Tom Dupain, Tikki, Fang, Principal Damocles, Caline Bustier, Ms. Mendeleiev, original minor character, Alec Cataldi, Lila Rossi’s Mother, Sabrina Raincomprix, Roger Raincomprix, Mylène Haprèle, Le Gorille | Adrien Agreste’s Bodyguard, Nino Lahiffe, Nooroo

Tags: Lila Rossi salt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Teenage Rebellion, Swearing, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack Treated Seriously, Lila Rossi’s Lies Are Exposed, Cuddling & Snuggling, Luka Couffaine Needs a Hug, Paparazzi, Parentification, Marinette Dupain-Cheng Needs a Hug, Gabriel Agreste Needs an Aneurism, Uncle Jagged Stone, we’re all queer here, the spirit of punk is sometimes just being allowed to be yourself, Kagami Finds Her Groove, punk rock fashion, Savage Kagami, Marinette protection squad, Good Parent Sabine Cheng, Good Parent Tom Dupain, Protective Kagami Tsurugi, Protective Luka Couffaine, Bisexual Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Pansexual Luka Couffaine, Sharing a Bed, Pet Names, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Instagram, Bullying, Social Media, Anxiety, Makeover, Hugs, will cure your acne, Face Punching, Bad Ass Juleka Couffaine, Rumors, Protective Juleka Couffaine, Protective Adrien Agreste, Lawyers, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Holding Hands, accountability, mental health, Jagged Stone’s well-paid pet shark, How to Make the Evening News, Sexy eyeliner for days, one fish two fish Lila is a screwed fish, How to have fun and piss Gabriel off, Fuckery, sweet litigious karma, Alya sugar, lawyer shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Schadenfreude, Bad Ass Alya Césaire, Gaslighting, abuse denormalization, Jagged likes his lawyers like he likes his pets: toothy af, Blood in the Water, Everything you didn’t know you wanted and some things you did, Gabriel Agreste is shark bait, Denial, Consequences, Principal Damocles salt, caline bustier salt, the impotence of Gabriel Agreste, snarky Nooroo, lies and the lying liars who tell them, Lila’s brain is a narcissistic hellscape, Lila’s mind is built like an Escher piece, Alec Cataldi salt, Adrien Sugar, wholesome salt, Fu Salt, Kwami Shenanigans, Nooroo is a little shit

Summary: Marinette Protection Squad: Assemble!

Notes: I know this is set after Ladybug. Beyond that I haven’t decided. It is likely before Miracle Queen. But meh beyond that it’s AU so who cares? Also, I might be coming out of my depression. Let’s hope so!

AO3 link

Chapters 1-2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

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Huddled around the computer, the three of them considered what to post alongside the pictures, ‘chaperoned’ once again by Penny. Jagged had wandered off, muttering to himself about stupid parents.

They eventually decided on posting a lovely cropped image of Adrien and Luka feeding each other bites of ice cream with the caption “Wish I’d been allowed to do this before. I’m not permitted to go out with friends much. :( But I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to share soulmate ice cream with.”

“You should send a link to that to Nadja Chamack, to get her on it if she isn’t already,” Penny noted.

Adrien took a moment to google his name and laughed. “Yeah, not all that necessary, though she could ‘leak’ some of the other images?”

Marinette’s fingers flew over her screen, and when she finished she immediately got a responding text.

“She wants to know what made you go public.”

Luka got an evil grin. “His father wanted to force him to date his teenage muse.”

Marinette glanced at Adrien, who considered for a moment before nodding. “Definitely. Said it would be ‘good for the brand.’ Put that in quotation marks.”

There was no immediate after the text was sent, so they went back to focusing on social media.

adrienagrestebrand: tbh I wish I wasn’t forced to model so much. I’d like to play with Kitty Section more. I’m the keyboardist but I don’t get to play much.

adrienagrestebrand: Also I hate missing school for photo shoots, and I wish I could hang out with my friends more.

Then Adrien got the idea to remotely check his text messages. The ones from his father were demands he return control of the social media accounts and return home. The last one had come around the time they’d gotten ice cream.

Meanwhile, Lila’s texts were very interesting, about half an hour apart.

Lila: How dare you call me a lying cow!

Lila: You can stop pretending you have a choice, Adrien.

Lila: If you come back now, I’ll try to remember you’re my ‘friend.’

Lila: You ditched me for some wharf-rat boy?!

Lila: Also those clothes are hideous.

Lila: I won’t honor our agreement.

Lila: wtf did you do to your hair! I won’t be seen with you!

Lila: Marinette is fair game. It won’t just be expulsion this time.

Lila: I warned you.

Both Luka and Adrien turned to Marinette, whose fists were clenched on her knees. Her face was pale, and she was shaking slightly. Wordlessly, the two of them pulled her close, until she was snuggled between them, her face flushed.

“What was she talking about, agreement?” Marinette finally asked.

Adrien launched into the story, how he had confronted her at the photo shoot and implied he’d make being a model difficult if she didn’t fix it.

Marinette’s eyes were wide and surprised when he finished. “I… I didn’t realize you were behind that.”

“I had to do something. It just wasn’t enough.” Adrien took her phone from where it sat on the desk, and snapped a picture of the texts from Lila. “Text it to Nadja.”

“And to Kagami,” Luka added.

Marinette did, clarifying in the text to Nadja Chamack that it was Lila Rossi, the Italian ambassador’s daughter and Gabriel Agreste’s new muse, then bit her lip. “Should I send it to Alya, too?”

The two boys nodded in unison. “And Nino,” Adrien added. “Maybe the entire class, even. Can you email it to M. Damocles and Mme. Bustier, too? Maybe Mme. Mendeleiev, too?”

They watched as Marinette’s fingers flew, texting the pic with the claim Adrien sent it to her, then accessing the school website and emailing the two teachers and the principal.

Penny got their attention, leaning around them to screencap the text messages. “I’m going to send this to Jagged’s legal counsel, too. Especially if she’s threatening Marinette… she’s his preferred designer, and thus a freelance employee. We’re obligated to protect her legally, and we intend to go after her for the claim about the kitten and song, anyway…”

Marinette stared, open-mouthed, at that, then her face turned bright red and she launched herself into Penny’s arms. The sound of Marinette’s phone alerting to text messages faded into the background as they focused on her.

Penny, for her part, looked frozen as Marinette almost sobbed against her, and Jagged happened to come in at the same time.

He rushed over, going to one knee beside her. “Hey, hey now. Marinette, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Penny gestured to the computer. “I explained we’re providing legal protection based on Lila Rossi’s threats against her. She was… overwhelmed, I guess?”

Luka shook his head. “No… I think she’s been more stressed about Lila than she’s been showing. I… I tend to do the same thing. She’s been putting on a front of being okay, but she hasn’t been.”

Adrien stood, pulling Luka with him as he went to Marinette. “Mari, I’m so sorry. I should’ve been better. I should’ve noticed.”

After a few seconds, she pulled away from Penny with a soft apology, her face red, her cheeks wet. “No. I was hiding it. You wouldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself.”

Luka put a hand on her shoulder. “Marinette… I do the same thing, and I know I need to work on that.” He grimaced a bit at the admission. “But… your feelings matter. You don’t have to hide them, not from us, and not from anyone.”

Jagged’s face had turned stonier than Adrien had ever seen. “Tell the lawyers to draw up a restraining order. For me, and also for Marinette. We’ll see what the school decides to do—but Marinette doesn’t have to change classes. Tell the lawyer that’s the stand.”

Penny slid into the seat vacated by Adrien and got to work.

Jagged’s expression softened as he turned back to the three of them. “Let’s order some dinner and those manicures, eh? Marinette, call your parents and let them know you’re staying for dinner with me, at least.”

“And maybe… tell them about the text message?” Adrien said. “So they know. And tell them what Jagged’s doing. They’re so amazing; I know they’ll support you.”

Marinette frowned. “I just… don’t want them to worry.”

“I think they’ve probably been worried since you were expelled the once,” Luka pointed out.

That got a sigh. “Yeah, I guess.” She grabbed her phone and moved toward the kitchenette.

Jagged pointed out the menu to them. “Have Marinette let Penny know what she wants. Penny knows my usual.”

While they were looking over the menu, Luka’s phone rang. “Juleka’s calling…”

He answered, and his face went blank as he listened.

“I understand. My guitar’s there—didn’t bring it with, unfortunately. Take it to school tomorrow for Adrien to grab?” He was quiet for a moment longer. “I’ll find a place to spend the night. It’ll be fine. Thanks, Jules.”

Luka let out a tired sigh when he hung up the phone.

“You can’t go home?” Adrien asked, concerned. He suddenly realized he was in a similar position—how could he go home and get back out for school. “I guess I can’t tonight either, actually.”

“The news is staking out the boat. Guess they figured out who I am, too.” Luka shrugged. “It was bound to happen—we just need to get our stories straight before we meet the press.”

Jagged broke in. “Oi, you’re staying here. The suite has an extra room. Big bed. You can share. Your pops will have a meltdown, but that’s half the point.”

Adrien stayed out late regularly as Chat Noir, but his father barely paid attention to him usually. Right now, with a very loud and obvious rebellion, he was probably giving a lot of attention to the empty mansion.

“Serves him right,” Adrien muttered.

Marinette made her way back over. “I’ll have to find a way to sneak home. Maman said Nadja is staked out outside the bakery, waiting for me to come home. She thinks I have a scoop, since I texted her. And I guess I do, but not one I’m sharing yet.”

Jagged let out an explosive sigh. “Ugh, the paparazzi doing its thing, I guess. Penny and I’ll take you home after we eat. Say you’ve been helping me plan my next album.”

“But when we release the video you’re making, they’ll know I know more.”

“Eh, but then you’ll have your stories straight. It won’t happen for a couple hours yet, probably after you leave. Pick something to eat and call the other girl, network and plan. You lot are good at it. After dinner we’ll all get manicures and I’ll get you home.”

It sounded strangely reasonable for Jagged, but Marinette seemed to take it in stride, like she was used to his changing moods. After some conversation, they decided on a variety of items from the menu to share. Once Penny had called in the dinner order, they sent a video chat request to Kagami.

She answered promptly, smiling when she saw them. “I have been monitoring your Instagram and the news being released. You’re still at the hotel?”

Adrien nodded. “The press has Luka’s place covered, so he’s staying here, and I am too for obvious reasons. Since Marinette texted Nadja Chamack, the bakery is also being staked out. Jagged’s going to escort her home after we eat and get our nails done.”

“It’s too bad you had to go home,” Marinette broke in. “It’d be fun to have our nails done together.”

“I would very much like to do that in the future,” Kagami responded. “And I will impress upon my mother your situation with that Lila girl and her threats, so that I may have some free time to ensure you are properly protected.”

Marinette flushed. “I appreciate that. From the texts I’ve gotten since sending it to my classmates, most of them believe me now. We also sent that image to two of my teachers and the principal.”

Jagged broke in here. “And I’ve got my lawyers drawing up a restraining order, so the legal end is covered.”

Kagami nodded. “Very efficient. This girl, however, may decide to do worse, perhaps going after Marinette physically. I absolutely intend to defend you, as I hope Adrien will in my absence—though it will be difficult for him to do so if you use the school bathroom.”

“Good point,” Adrien said. “I’ll use Marinette’s phone to arrange a girl squad to escort her if that’s needed. Last time Lila got her alone, she claimed Marinette pushed her down the stairs.”

Anger passed over Kagami’s face. “Marinette is to be protected, at all times. We need to decide who will escort her to and from school, as well. Perhaps someone not bombarded by the media.”

“Yeah, so not me, or Adrien,” Luka said with a sigh. “Sorry, Marinette.”

“I guess I need to go harass the school anyway. Ugh, haven’t gotten up at an ungodly hour like that in ages, though,” Jagged groused. “But if Adrien’s going tomorrow, I guess it’ll be easy enough. Uncle Jagged can make some sacrifices.”

“We also need to plan for a united front to the media,” Luka said. “We can chat through dinner, and plan at least for tomorrow.”

“Acceptable. My mother has already retired as well, so I will not be interrupted.”

They settled in to plot.

[hellojeffreyjames]

“One reason I’m grateful for 2020”

An overview of what it’s like to live to be 37 and finally figure out that no amount of books about growth will help me with the thing that has been sabotaging me my entire life. 

All of the stress and global trauma impacted my mental health so much I think I am on the verge of getting an accurate diagnosis for the first time in my life.

I’ve been flying under the radar for like 30 years. I’ve been figuring out little tricks, workarounds, and arrangements I can make for myself to cover up what’s wrong with me, even though I had no idea what it was. Starting in March everything flared up more intensely than ever before in my life. Think I’ve almost had a nervous break down at least five times. I would feel so much anxiety I would throw up at work.

One day a month or two ago I just, out of complete curiosity and a little desperation, joined in ADHD support group online. I was still at a place where I didn’t know if I had it, and didn’t know it was all that difficult of a condition. I didn’t know that it’s so severe for some people that they are on disability for the rest of their lives. I thought that if someone is getting any amount of Social Security Disability income for having ADHD, must be really milking it. How could being distractible be a disability to any degree? Standard boilerplate stuff people who have never learned about it might think.

I shared a few things and read a great many experiences others have had. I learned about paralysis of initiate, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and how rhythmic movement syndrome has recently been strongly associated with ADHD. This is a condition I’ve struggled with my entire life, and it can be quite maddening when it’s bad. Things started to click. The way life has always felt started to make sense. The way the simplest thing can be incredibly difficult, and yet some of the most difficult things can be incredibly easy started to make sense. How I could stare at two dishes on the table and scream internally about how I should pick them up, take them to the sink, and wash them, but still not be able to do it… Started to make sense.

I scrolled through and read story after story after story, and I even cried few times. Because if anyone would’ve caught me red-handed in one of my odd behaviors, the only thing I could tell them is that I have no idea. I’d have to tell them, “I’m really sorry I can’t mail a letter. I know that It’s a simple task - that’s why it’s so difficult to try and explain. I don’t know why I can’t do it. I guess it’s because I’m selfish and shitty person.” I wouldn’t say that sarcastically either. I literally had no other way to describe it. There was nothing to connect the things that are nearly impossible for me to do, with any reason other than I am a bad person, a selfish selfish person, or a lazy person. I leaned on just saying I’m depressed a lot. That didn’t feel good because I don’t actually feel depressed, I just felt very frustrated with myself and discouraged.

I have a diagnosis for severe depression but I never felt like it fit. I never felt the loss of interest in the things that I’m passionate about. I felt an inability to do them no matter how passionate I felt. I have had suicidal ideation, at least once a week, for years because I can’t do the things I want to do. I can’t even do the things I’m incredibly passionate about and would love to complete. There are certain normal life landmarks I know I can never reach, like buying a house. I literally could not get through the process even if I could pay in cash. I can’t finish creating what I’d love to exist in the world, and leave behind the most authentic pieces of myself. I have no control over the steps I take towards my dreams. And even if I can take steps some days, I can’t control how many. It’s like being in the passenger seat while someone else decides what I will be doing all day. Usually, it’s absolutely nothing. Usually, it takes me 4 hours of thinking about taking a shower, to actually take one. I would think about eating all day and never make food. I would think about the project I’d love to do and then watch it slip away while I think of the steps I need to do to finish it.

And as it slips away, I’m conscious of what’s happening. So much so, that I feel grief. I feel sad that the one and only thing I would love to do is vanishing before my eyes. I think I have a good way to explain this though:

It’s the same feeling I think most people would get if they were about to do a task and then someone appeared and forced them through a three hour lecture about that task. Whatever spark or zest was there, just fades away and it seems like too much to organize. Too many steps and considerations and just an overwhelming amount of stuff that discourages you out of doing it. Only the task could’ve been the simplest thing like, “pick that pencil up off the ground and put it in the pencil jar.” some days you could do that, some days that morphs into, “solve cold fusion,” which is so frustrating that I want to jump out the window. I don’t think I’ve ever had a dangerous thought about suicide or self harm. I think my mind is feeding me what I’m feeling like. Just how frustrated I am that I can’t do something simple, or can’t control what I focus on. When an intrusive voice tells me I should kill myself, it’s out of being the maximum amount of frustrated because I have no control over what I do, or how long I can do it.

It’s most devastating when the only thing I wanna be, is to be there for someone else. Because it communicates that they are not important to me, even though they are the most important thing in the world to me. It’s one of the reasons most of my relationships fall apart. Why trying to grab the wheel and do what I really want to do, honestly, feels like a scene in a messed up movie were a villain is forcing someone to put a gun against their best friend’s head and pull the trigger. In terms of mental and physical resistance, that’s how hard it is for me to hijack my mind and push myself through something I want to do, or something I absolutely need to do. Imagine putting that much effort into something that you WANT TO DO. Then there are other things I don’t prefer to do, but need to do, and that’s even more difficult.

If I took all the struggles in my life that boggled my mind, things that I could not think of any explanation for. Every single, “Oh dear god, why am I like this?” ...and ask if ADHD explains it, the answer has been yes every single time thus far. I want to tell you what that feels like.

Imagine being close to drowning in the middle of the sea for days and days. That feeling when you don’t know how many more times you can kick your legs and keep your head above the water to breathe. When you feel like you’re about to have a panic attack, but you are trying with every ounce of your strength not to, because if that happens, you will definitely drown. Then someone pulls you out, dries you off by a fireplace and carries you into a comfortable bed.

That’s how it feels to finally find a cause that I can address. To have an answer to what has been sabotaging me my entire life. In reality, I’m still out in the water, but I know someone’s coming, and I have people encouraging me until they arrive.