#idk why im so worried abt it who gives a shit

[toastsnaffler]

sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(

[cptnbeefheart]

i think i gotta pl;ay fallout 4 ..

[zemnarihah]

i got pulled over and i have to go to court i think

[wannabe-skinni-qween]

tw vent

genuinely so fucking sick and tired of everything. hate myself more than anything, but so does literally everyone so what does it matter. no matter how much i struggle someone in the world has it worse. i have a perfect life, perfect family, perfect house, perfect everything. im the only problem with all of this. other ppl do so much for me and love me and take care of me but it js makes me angry. ik im an awful person for saying this and ppl r gna hate me but i js need to talk, i wish i had it worse. i tell people this shit and i always get "no u dont u dk what its like its horrible you dont want this" but i do.

i wish i'd have been SA'd, i wish i'd have been abused, i wish i did drugs, i wish my parents hated me. idk why but i just crave sickness so much. i want to be sick beyond help to the point where it consumes my life and i finally have enough motivation to kms. the only reason i cvt is because i want to get addicted to it.

its been like this for years. the only thing i want in life is attention, idc how i get it or who i get it from. i live on it. yk those coaches on here? i dont block them a lot of the time. i give them exactly what they want because they tell me i have a pretty face. ik theyre lying but its all i need to hear. i send nood pics to old men all the time. men who know im a minor and love it. they dont love me as a person tho and its fine.

i worry that people wont care abt me when im an adult. like i wont be a child anymore, i wont be taken care of. ill get a lame job and meet a lame man and have a shitty wedding and shit out ugly babies that look exactly like me, and grow up to hate themselves exactly as i do now.

i plan on dying before i turn 18. but time is moving too fast and im getting too close to my deadline, so im trying to make everything worth it before i go. its hard to do that tho, i dont have any friends irl, i dont go to school. i go to a school made for retarded kids a few hours a week. i dont do anything while im there. js stare at the words because i genuinely cnt read it properly. like ik what the words say (though it can take a minute) but i dont understand anything. all i do is sit in my room and wait until someone talks to me.

and there's no way for me to ever feel better because i dnt want to. im a terrible person because of that and i dont like it, but it wont ever change

ik probably nobody even read this (i yap sm 😭) but i js needed to get some stuff off my chest

[dazyskiie-luv]

Overblot mc/yuu but...????

TW — mention of vomiting, fighting Crowley and winning (sorry Crowley lovers), past death. I like thinking a lot tbh

not necessarily angst but it is in here! Same with fluff...this was really just me rambling.

* EDIT: WHY DID IT TAKE HOURS UNTIL I FINALLY GOT TOLD I WAS WRITING OVERBLOT WRONG.

I think about MC overbloting a lot and I also think about adding it into my own books because of how??? good??? the idea???? is???????

I genuinely imagine that even from the start MC was in danger of overbloting themself, with the stress and despair of finding out they aren't in THEIR world, away from their (family and/or friends) with possibly NO WAY BACK EVER because of some egocentric crow refusing to do more than he wants to???????

They would obviously be hella upset, stressed, depressed, anxious, etc because they know NOTHING of this world and is practically a BABY among people who lived here THEIR WHOLE LIFE.

So as more overblots happen, the more their OWN overblot is brewing. Bubbling, waiting to enter the game. Especially with the magic always getting slashed onto them. I think the only reason why they HAVEN'T overbloted just yet is because of grim

a more personal headcanon; Grim's fire, when you have a close bond with him, sorta starts erasing your blot and fueling HIS flames, making it more powerful. Essentially, think of when you're close friends with someone... you'll find it easier to fight for them right?? like you have more power to do that??? that's what its like

Now think of when MC is just TOO deep in their mind, TOO deep into their emotions and its the ONE TIME grim isn't there to help. They go to throw up blot and after panicking for a bit they just accept it. They accept that "I'm gonna overblot and probably die" because they're just too tired to worry abt themself

They don't tell anyone and since the overblot is already taking over the entire inside of their body, grims flames can't really???? get it all???? It'll always be there and it'll continue to grow and slowly grim notices that when he's feeling more powerful than ever while MC is showing obvious signs of getting ready to overblot

Grim choosing not to say anything to other people would be like... i guess out of character but at the same time i think In character????? He knows how tired MC is with dealing with everyone and honestly he's tired of it too so YASSS SLAY HENCH-BESTIEEE!!!!!

Sooner or later the others would notice too and it would be a little late to help MC since the overblot is already seeping out of their skin like they're crying. and honestly? their body IS crying. it's crying blot. And even as everyone is screaming and panicking about MC, they're just... sitting there.

Like they're annoyed everyone is making a big deal out of it considering no one cared before, and they're just like "stfu we're in class" and then focus on the teacher going "u can continue im sorry abt that."

And everyone is just??? confused?? because why aren't they going haywire or like.....???? idk..... crying in pain....????? what...........

MC just chilling the entire day while overbloting, even their overblot monster just floating behind them in peace and waving at times when people look for too long while everyone else is wary and giving them (+ grim who's always in MC's hold) a bunch of space while the teachers and dormleaders have their pens/wands/wtvr thr fuck at command just incase

but then everyone just realizes that??? MC isn't gonna???? do anything?????? and it kinda irritates them because why aren't you doing shit its freaking them out.

And lets say,,, ortho... as discreetly as he can... scans you. And it shows that you're perfectly fine??? like you aren't dying or in pain. It even shows the Blot monster being alright too like its just a guy standing there.

And now the confusion is up to 100 because WHAT????

MC and the Blot [+ Grim] just doing their everyday assignments and eating in the cafeteria with their friends being visibly tense and MC just raises an eyebrow like "whats wrong with yall tf" before continuing to absolutely DEMOLISH a burger they got for free. FREE!!! best day ever fr they'll tell you that much

I feel like the Blot would get sorta aggressive/protective when it comes to people who has like hurt MC to the point they had to take a nurse visit (half of the school but its alr we gang fr) but when it comes to crowley....??? They'll see the FULL POWER of a magicless blot monster which is actually more terrifying than the others.

The blot going hulk on crowley is so funny to imagine for me cause he'd just be running away and suddenly gets smashed into a pillar from a literal stomp. just one. and it was relatively weak compared to the Blot AND MC picking up and swinging that SAME PILLAR to smash it into crowley.

All that anger and other negative emotion finally coming out the SECOND they even so as HEAR that crows heartbeat nearby. It gave everyone whiplash but then again they also all collectively thought that he deserved it considering he hasn't truly done anything to HELP the students but just to HELP the schools reputation.

I'm half certain a student died there and he just covered it up and they turned into a ghost that haunts places. (i mean... look at the three ghosts in Ramshackle. they used to be students there I'm pretty sure????? i forgot.)

As MC is beating the DOG SHIT out of crowley the Blot is just cleaning everything up slowly because they realized that they dirted up the place :( and when MC is done they help too as the teachers all circle around a throughly beaten and bruised Crowley who has blood seeping out of his mouth while being half awake.

Of course they help him don't die because they honestly don't want the one helpful person to go to the equivalent of jail in twisted wonderland for committing murder and ykw thats so real.

I feel like as Mc stays in this overblot form everyone thats close-ish to them gets memories of things that's happened to them in the past like how MC did. But it's worse. I want an mc thats traumatized im sorry and i want it to be worse than what half of these guys went through.

I need them to feel guilty even more. Like. "Oh my god I really said that when— holy shit" FEEL BAD!!!!! Grim would already know their past because I know I would be cuddling into Grim's stomach and crying about everything.

When Mc finally stops "Overbloting", the Blot would still be there but as its own person :D How does this work????? it works bc I said it does.

The Blot™ would help MC a lot and vice versa, basically acting like parents now with how worried they get over everyone and the other. Grim is eating the attention up though as both Mc and The Blot cuddle as therapy (and bc they wanna)

Everyone (especially idia) would need time to like... get used to that because there's "NO FUCKING RECORD OF AN OVERBLOT BECOMING ITS OWN PERSON AND BEING....NICE?????"(shrouds words not mine ong) and when they do get used to it its like everyone is genuinely happier because! gasp! they are!!!

kick the crow out the seat. Both the Blot and Mc are the new headmaster contrary to the students voting them when Crowley got demoted from it.

I also feel like....??? Instead of MC goinf back home cause they realize just how BAD it was back home, they choose to have a bridge between both realities so that its their (friends and/or families) choice on if they want to be with them in twisted wonderland or not.

MC & Blot beating the shit outta Crowley as everyone watches (and cheers)

[sparklingcid3r]

hc that the biggest red herring fight paul and darry got into was when bob tried to fw pony on his way home from school. darry does not play abt his brothers, esp against a soc and pony defs being smaller anyways? paul took bobs side tho

I’d prob call this more foreshadowing in terms of the deterioration of their relationship but YEAHHH let’s talk abt it!! I’ll eat this shit up nom nom nom

It’s funny bc I just read a post abt Paul beating up on Pony w his new fuck buddy and Darry pulling up w Tim Shepard in his bag and OHHH MY DAYS it was like Thanksgiving feast 🙏 Idk if that’s relevant but I wanted to put it out there bc I’ll prob end up taking some hcs from the post so if you read it and see it here yk where it came from lol

Also if we’re doing this whole triangle btwn Bob, Paul, and Darry then ig I should try and establish ages. And bc I could go over how like “oh so bob could be a junior while paul is prob a senior in hs rn meanwhile darry is a year older and spent half a semester at college, so canonically paul and darry were in two different grade levels and bob pulls up to Paul’s side from the underclass” it’s a lot easier for me to point at paul and say “SUPER SENIOR🫵”

this is what i mean when i say im a certified yapper literally noneee of that shit mattered

Alr let’s go‼️

- When Pony came home from school battered to hell Mr. and Mrs. Curtis were just worrying about cleaning him back up and making sure he was alright. Mr. Curtis would prob be the one who wanted to give him the talk abt defending himself but the Missus was having none of it. Life’s hard enough without fighting

- They know who Paul is and have an alright opinion about him, they like that he extends his hand out to Darry the way parents do when their kids are making friends you don’t expect but don’t disapprove of. Darry is the reason Paul doesn’t jump Pony or Soda, he knows he’d be thrown aside in a heartbeat if that were to get back to him, and also Paul’s suchhhh a whore for having all his limbs intact and teeth inside his mouth

- Bob’s more of a masochist yk. But not on purpose bc all he saw was this scrawny little greased up mouse with his head tucked down walking all by himself, both hands on the straps of his backpack and wanted a piece of all the action that other Socs get from jumping the East side’s equivalent of a wet stick

- Pony is the one who rats Bob out to Darry, not because he’s aware that Darry already had his sights locked on Bob’s snake ass from the beginning, but because Darry is Superman to Ponyboy and is always ready to throw hands for his brothers (behind closed doors ofc, he’s not gonna toss away his spot on the football team for just anything r u crazy??)

- Darry might be a little crazy tho, we’ll get to that later trust

- He takes the civil route to start off and talks to Paul abt it bc he just knowwws that Bob’s been Paul’s little sidepiece while Darry and Paul have been drifting the closer they get to graduation, but they’re still close enough that Darry can go to Paul abt shit like this and get him to listen

- Except not really, bc Paul just says he had nothing to do with it and that Darry can’t rlly expect him to have his back when a greaser gets what all greasers have coming

- So anyway Darry pulls up to Bob talking abt “yo wsg robert why don’t u come outside rq i just wanna talk” man JUST SQUARE UP

- I’m playing he doesn’t do that

- What Darry actually does is sneaky bc at his core, doesn’t matter if he believes it or not, he’s a greaser and he can fight filthyyyy

- So catch Darry pulling up to a grad function (with that madras drip on iykyk🙏) and pulling Bob aside for just a little talk, it’ll only take five mins

- When he’s got Bob and his solo cup brimming w that nasty jungle juice alone, all he does it sucker punch him in the face. It’s glorious, no witnesses. The man drops like a cartoon peter griffin style

- And Darry doesn’t even stay. He shoulder checks Paul on the way out and he’s gone with the wind

disclaimer: anon i’m sorry i wrote this at like 3am and am posting it now lmfaoo i’m so sorry if u wanted smth serious 😭🙏 if any of u think that i think this is canon pls don’t🙏🙏 this is just me having fun w an ask that im very grateful for🫶🫶

[cdbabymp3]

yap sesh with jules time

tldr ; new slushy vlog debrief and being extremely sad on a sunday night

y'all i hate myself for it but tell me why that brief 0.3 second clip of hamzah vaping in the new vlog got me acting up rn....that big ass cloud of smoke flying past his pretty face LIKE BOY COME OVER AND SHOTGUN THAT BLUEBERRY VAPE INTO MY MOUTH !! anyway. also having weird confusing feelings about martin bc why was his face card lowkey giving in this vid.... never been attracted to him but i see edits and im like .... hold on ..... 🤔... yes he was giving ozempic spiderman FINE WHATEVER but he's got a little something to him idk. mandy knows what's up. maybe im insane or maybe there are some martin biases out there who are nodding their heads while reading this. maybe i'll make a low effort edit of him and it will convince you guys. maybe it won't. who knows! in other news, need to be hamzah's trip sitter while he's on shrooms bc he's so cute and clueless. and y'all saw the way he kept closing his eyes and taking deep breaths ... yeah need asap thanks 🩷 the way he didn't know who he was dressed up as was KILLING ME bc how do u not know when you ordered the damn costume??? my anime nerd ass was cringing at him calling himself literally 4 wrong character names. silly boy it's okay i still love him. AND MARTIN WITH THE TIMBS GOODBYE 😭 THE WAY THEY LOOKED BRAND NEW TOO I WAS CRYING. i know his ass ordered those off the amazon storefront.

on a personal note 🧌 i'm having friend issues rn and this is the only place i can't rant abt it without someone using my words against me 🤗 currently in an awkward text standstill with my friend of 10 years and i'm genuinely so lost on what to do. the friendship has gotten so toxic to the point where i fear how she takes my tone bc im worried she'll confront me. like no joke im afraid of her so i always give in and take the blame for everything. it's time to move on ik but i hate confrontation (especially over text) and im so bad at ending friendships. idk i just feel so bad bc this is the 5th friendship thats fallen through and im starting to think im just not cut out for long-term friendships?? i always get in these situations where i make myself small so that the friend can stay happy being in control which is so fucked up and i'm tiredddddd of it omfg. but yeah all of this shit is making me lose hope in having friends in general like maybe this is it for me. im being dramatic i need to end this post wow.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

footballers when theyre sick

requested by my homie @rubybecker-rb2 !!! ty so much for requesting <3

leo: he recognizes that he should take it easy so he takes the day off from training, but what he DOESNT do is text his teammates saying hes sick n wont be there, so later that day when hes watching tv n eating soup he hears his doorbell ring, only to be greeted with a very worried neymar whos like "I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOUUUU!!!!1!!!11!!!"

ney: oh he complains a lot. once he starts feeling unwell he calls up leo like "leeeeo i feel like shit!!" n naturally leos like "what do you want me to do about that -_-"

luka: oh hes the one who gets sick EASILY. fifty degree weather with a slight breeze is all it takes to do him in. like on a particularly cold day, he'll start sneezing (oh n he sneezes like a little bunny you cant tell me otherwise) n sniffling n be like "AGAIN??!?!!?"

zlatan: has never gotten sick once in his entire life. his temperature is a perfect 98.6 at ALL times n has never changed.

gavi: ok idk why i get this vibe but he becomes a whiny little bitch when hes sick (IM NOT INSULTING HIM IM EXACTLY THE SAME WAY). like if he starts getting sick at training he is gonna make it EVERYONES problem. you KNOW hes whipping out those big brown puppy dog eyes at every given opportunity. "i feel so terrible can you get me some ginger ale🥺"

sergio: this stubborn bitch wakes up feeling sick n what does he do?? haul ass to training anyways. as the day progresses n it becomes increasingly obvious hes unwell the team will tell him hes gotta sit out n take it easy. luka nags the SHIT outta him n ends up taking care of him even tho hes still salty he came to training in this condition, and sergio considers it the best day of his life.

mbappe: see at first hes a stubborn bitch who goes to training despite being sick, however he CANNOT pull through n ends up sitting out after warmups

joão: oh boy. he gets so sick he decides to go to the doctor, n while hes there he takes some kinda picture n posts it online captioned "feel awful, wish me luck" n then NEVER follows up on it, so his comments are filled w ppl being concerned for his well being

pep: wakes up, realizes hes sick, texts kevin "youre in charge today. dont fuck it up" n goes back to sleep

klopp: decided to still go to training, but lfcs practically a family so everyone knows somethings up within like five minutes. when the boys realize the boss isnt feeling well they give him a rant abt self care n milly drives him home.

[disventure-rewrite-takes]

hopping on the self insert train

if I was in dcas I would be like the 1 person who gets 0 romance drama (bc aro) and that woud be incredibly cool of me. also I'd sweep the flag challenge lol, just nab it and then hide up a tree. watchu gonna do abt it

anyway i would openly be like "yeah romance isn't for me. i do not wana date. i am aro" and the fanbase would be like "what does that mean" and ship me with ppl lol. that could be the Thing In The In-Show Fandom I Complain About. also i'd call out the characters for being dumb bitches, sometimes gently, sometimes. less.

"lmao the attempted murderer is worried about preserving her tv image, give me a break"

"okay don't take this the wrong way. genuine question do you think your beef with the eight year old is justified or are you just upset your pride got wounded."

"ah yes let's all trust the attempted murderer who broke connor's leg she is clearly not being deceitful that's so beneath her" (i would bring up the s2 finale so much just to put things into perspective)

"yul can you die"

"oh my god hes finally communicating honestly with you and you immediately lie about a boyfriend. come on man"

"buddy. bestie. mate. i cannot spell this out clearer. SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. NO YOU CANT FIX HER"

"my brother in christ you accused him of cheating on his bf then got said bf voted off for entirely petty reasons why do you think he doesn't like you"

"grett i swear to god you deserve better than this guy"

(btw in that one specifically i would straight up be gabby 2.0 and yul would hurl microaggressions at both of us. except im white and idk if there's any known about derogatory terms for aros but im sure yul would invent some especially for me. although knowing him he'd probably just call me "restarted" and "acoustic". I'd be more offended by the laziness than the words themselves)

"yes i do in fact play an acoustic instrument but somehow i get the vibe that's not what you meant. look if you really wanna add ableism to your pokedex of bigot labels then at least don't be a pussy about it. say the word you really wanna call me. go on. say it. say it you coward."

and in the recent episode (from the peanut gallery, begrudgingly sitting in team ally bc there's more space on the bleachers than team jake and i do not gaf who wins as long as it's not riya) "HEY. HEY KRISTAL. CHECK RIYA AND YUL'S BACKPACKS THEY DID NOT GATHER SHIT WITH THOSE STUPID PLASTIC TOOLS. NO WAY IN HELL DID THEY ACTUALLY MINE TEN DIAMONDS BEFORE SCORPION SHIT WENT DOWN"

- @cornfields-td-nonsense

corn i absolutely love your intern 😭🙏🏼 yul would DEFINITELY make up a new slur for us aros on god

[mazzystargirl]

ok living up to pinned post w some true confessions/dark secrets… so basically after i tried to kms in 2021 fall and went to the hospital i entered a really intense slut era and like started impulsively spending money and stuff too and i didnt have a job so i was like oh omg having a sugar daddy would work out really well for me and also i wanted to do things that would be like damaging or whatever idk why i did it rly. but anyway i engaged in some sugar baby behaviors. and then that winter break i went home from school and met up w some of my friends who ive known since i was a kid. now i have to give a little bit of context here cuz its important. so i have these 3 friends, one of whom ive known since i was 3 years old (N) and the other two since i was like 7 (S and J). and we all live in a very tight knit neighborhood/cultural community where mostly everyone knows everyone. and so my 3 friends parents know my parents. i guess you can see where this is going… but anyway i told them i had a sugar daddy or like it came up in conversation idk. and that was that. then literally the following AUGUSTTTT my mom comes to me and is like oh so some people in the neighborhood have been saying that you’ve been engaging in risky behaviors with older men and that youve been meeting them in hotels. so obviously i denied it very emphatically and tried to pry out who tf she heard that from and honestly i was like what like who could have even spread that and she said J’s mom told her and was lowkey rly cagey about it bc she didnt want to “break her daughter’s trust” and had asked other aunties about the situation like wtfff… and then i remembered i had mentioned to them over winter break so she must have fucking told her mommmm. i decided to assume best intent and chose to believe she was worried abt me and thats why she told her mom so i messaged her like hi did u tell ur mom abt this and i appreciate ur concern but i would have appreciated it if maybe u came to me directly and checked on me it would have been better and u lowkey hurt my feelings cuz now im stressed and anxious and don’t know whos saying what abt me etc etc. and then…

she fucking LIEDDDDD she said she didnt say anything to her mom AND that her mom didnt say anything to my mom!?? which i know is fucking bullshitttt 😭 like it makes 0 sense like if no one said anything is my mom just pulling shit out of the air and if she was how would she land straight on the money like that it just doesnt add up. so i was like um ok ?? uh have a good day. and decided to let it go and i lowkey don’t speak to her anymore and i told N and S that im not speaking to her but they can hang out w her if they want. and i forgot abt it.

but now i just moved back home after finishing school and its lowkey been eating away at me. it hurts me that she was my friend for 13 years and its all up in flames and i never got any closure or an apology or even her to admit or acknowledge the situation?? it hurts me to be at home worried abt what people are saying or thinking about me. i know i shouldnt care but what other people think of me bothers me. im not ashamed of myself and my choices but i don’t want other people to think less of me. i don’t want to reach out to her bc what if she doesn’t care at all about the situation ??? i don’t want to be like this has been eating at me forever and it really hurt me and her to be like what r u talking about i don’t think about you at all. she also just got into med school and im happy for her for real like glad shes doing well its just like. she hurt my feelings really bad :(

anyway if you read this far… what should i do 🥲 is the only path forward trying to let go… tbh i think i just need someone to validate my feelings like am i right to be hurt or is it all my fault and should i beg for forgiveness 😭 like my friend N got coffee w her a couple weeks ago and brought it up to me twice what does that even meannnn

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

ofmd s2e4 rewatch where i pause to jot down my thoughts and other random shit

it's been a busy week since last thursday and shit's only gonna get busier for me after tomorrow so hopefully i can get through these two episodes out before i go to bed lol!!! anyway once again these posts are just me rambling so i can process the insane amount of information in these episodes and if u want to read them too that's fine.

s2e1, s2e2, s2e3, s2e4, s2e5, s2e6, s2e7, s2e8

rip everyone who wanted homoerotic sword fighting in the gentebeard reunion. have a headbutt as a consolation prize.

obsessed with stede holding raw room-temperature meat against his bruised face bc that's not even a little bit how that works. i love this show.

ok so jim saying "he'll probably get around to killing you after he's rested" in response to stede saying ed needs to regain his strength actually gives some pretty good context to why they want ed of the ship so bad. bc they DID fully try to kill ed and now he's here and alive and like. if i were jim i would be pretty worried abt ed holding a grudge abt that.

wont lie stede being like "we dont just banish people, that's not us!" makes me thinkg abt how they fully banished izzy from the ship in e6. i mean technically izzy banished himself on accident but. lol.

also izzy's absence in this scene indicating he is not yet considered part of the entire crew

roach: i need that steak back, it's dinner stede: (pulling the steak away) oh, right fang: maybe let's put the banishment to a vote? stede: (steak back on his face, apparently having forgotten he was literally just about to give the meat to roach) aw do we have to :(

ed chained to the ship is doing. a lot for me. i wont lie.

buttons saying he's been to the gravy basket a few times... how many times has this man almost died??????

it is deeply funny to me that they edit the split second flashback of the drowning and mermaid hallucination to look all creepy as if that whole scene wasn't set to an incredibly sappy 80's love song (said with immense affection)

OBSESSED with stede trying to be like. encouraging to izzy. and being like "he cant hear you he's got no head" about izzy yelling at the ruined figurehead. this fucking dork.

so ive seen ppl talking abt how the crew's in a deadlock abt banishing ed and which ppl they think were pro-banishment and which were against, but the scenes with the crew make it look like everyone's voting for ed to get kicked out. so tbh i think like either of the following interpretations are pretty valid: the crew is split 50/50 on if they should banish ed OR the crew 100% wants to banish ed and stede was gonna try and leverage izzy's vote to try and get more ppl to change their mind. doesnt rlly matter either way tho

also the fact that izzy was the one to keep ed's body is. interesting. the others must've known abt it and helped izzy hide the body in the secret room. but izzy being the one to be like "no we're not throwing him overboard" is. something. no conclusions abt this atm im just rotating this fact in my brain.

i also just have a lot of thoughts abt the mutiny and the fact that like, jim's a trained assassin and the others are also pretty experienced killers and they probably knew they hadn't completely finished the job. and there was plenty of opportunity for them to do something about that. but instead they hid his body and waited for ed to succumb to his injuries. it feels kinda like ed's "technically i outsource the big job" rule. idk. thoughtssss.

frenchie in this scene is so funny bc he seems both actually apologetic abt kicking ed off the ship but also very relieved/vindicated to see him go.

didnt realize olu almost said smthng to ed lol i thought ed was just saying "fuck you" to him for no reason ghfjkghjkfh

"first time i've ever been on this side of a walk of shame" wee john i have so many questions. how many times have you been banished from a ship.

obsessed with archie just being like "way to make this awkward brah." her shitty boss put her life at risk in an attempt to make her and her coworkers kill him in a weird roundabout suicide attempt and her summary of the situation is "well, this is awkward :/"

"shitty sailing with you" sick burn, jim

"you're making it really hard to look up to you, man" LOVE how black pete is still a blackbeard stan. despite everything.

just ONCE i want someone to appreciate roach's sandwiches :(

"dont you want your sammy" STEDE I WOULD DIE FOR YOU

also i disagree with the subtitles here im like 99% sure says "you're no fuckin mermaid" not "you're not a fuckin mermaid" but that's just me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

stede looks SO sad abt not being a mermaid

love how everyone in this episode just sort of nods and is like "yeah okay" every time buttons tells them he's turning into a bird

altho with stede in this scene specifically im convinced that he's just jumping at the chance to follow ed to the island. he was absolutely gonna come up with some shitty excuse to go ashore anyway but it's nice of buttons to give him plausible deniability

i love how much ed hates nature

why do the subtitles say "gyp-" this has been bothering me all week. the line is "like a drifter"

i also love ed's line delivery of "a wolf?"

anyway dumb posts abt the spider tattoo backstory: 1, 2, 3

i love to see ed getting hugs... wish i could give him a hug :(

ok also buttons talking abt the gravy basket made me think ed needed like some sort of spell or smthng to snap out of it but instead it just kinda wore off by the end of the episode (maybe, depends on how you read the whole buttons turning into a bird scene). this is very funny to me for some reason

anne rubbing the cup she's holding against her tit. queen.

stede bonnet idiot dumbfuck moments

i LOVE anne's line delivery of "eddie motherfuckin teeeeach" like yeah that's cj's girl alright. or was cj's girl. who knows.

SECRET HANDSHAKE im cryinggggg. i love them.

stede's voice sounds so weird when he says "i wasn't looking for you" and that's because he's fucking lying through his teeth

LOVE how anne and mary look at each other after the "shipmates" "former" interaction like they are immediately on the same wavelength. and that wavelength is fucking with ed and his ex. they sniffed out a messy relationship dynamic and were like "oh hell yeah we need more of this in our lives"

ed is SO bitchy this whole scene i fucking love it. ed's face when he says "him?" fdhjksgfjhdgkj

ed: whatever 🙄 anne: whatever? 👀 mary: whatever! 😈

wee john getting more goth is so good

drunk izzy rambling at the ship's figurehead is so funny to me tho i miss drunk izzy

ed's crew lady macbeth "out damned spot" moments

i like how there's a goat in the background of this scene in anne and mary's house and it is unexplained and also never seen again.

ed's face after stede says "that's romance" is soooo good this bitch is so pissed. like oh would you have met me at the docs if i peeled the guard's face off instead of just paying him off? is that what fuckin does it for you???? not that it matters bc i dont care. but. cunt.

yeah im just focusing in on all of ed's faces in this scene. "quite the shift going from wearing people's faces to antique collectors" gets ed to freeze in the middle of bringing his drink up to his lips and just kinda stare off into the distance.

"how did you meet" has ed kind of frowning for a split second before stede starts answering and then he rolls his eyes very dramatically and sighs deeply

ed immediately being like "actually i was gonna kill him myself!" trying to undermine stede's meet-cute story. also anne and mary nodding along in complete unison bc this is just normal pirate conversation to them.

~~~

also as someone who has been team "no ed was dead serious abt the plan to steal stede's identity" this was very vindicating for me. it's a bad plan and it doesn't make any sense but logistics literally dont matter in this show. what matters is giving this story the "falling for the mark" trope makes ed's character arc in season 1 that much tastier!!!!

ed and stede going back and forth telling their story i cant fucking wait until theyre happily together telling this story and instead of ed trying to downplay it and ruin the meet-cute-iness of it they're just building on each other and being sappy and adorable

"more like i relented" one of the biggest lies i've ever heard this man say fjhkgjkfdhk

"until he completely boned it" SAY IT. FUCKING SAY IT. SOOOOO TRUE ED.

auauhghgh the beard bit......... crying

THE!!!!! QUIETEST LITTLE "thank you" OF ALL TIME. TIED MAYBE WITH ED SAYING "thank you" AFTER "i think you're very sophisticated" IN 1.05

i dont blame stede for trying to get ed to open up right after that bc that was the first bone ed's thrown stede's way since he woke up. unfortunately ed is not in the mood to talk abt his near-death experience and mermaid hallucination sequence.

LOVE anne's little gesture when she says "rabbit" and the little hip cocking

stede being like "uhhhh we could leave" during the knifeplay exhibitionism moment

i giggle every time at the way the crew is instantly like "fuck closing our eyes we're doing any fucking surprises"

ngl idgw the crew yelled abt the piñata reveal. but ok

loooove stede's half of the crew just blowing past all the screaming and tension from ed's half. jim screams "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!" abt the blindfold and roach is like "you won't want to stay the fuck away from this caaaake!" like roach fdhsjfgdhfjkghkj read the room?????

i love how much stede just. completely misses all of annie's flirting

ed coughing during the blunt session i love himmmmm

ok but ed's trying to be like "im totally over stede i dont even like him" and then ed reminiscing fondly with a distant smile abt the 1.06 stabbing scene

"and that was the... second time you left your wife?" underrated line

love how annie's been all quiet and seductive and then when she goes to make her move she's just like "WOUND THIS" and aggressively sits in stede's lap

also ok. "they're gonna be so jealous" is that annie talking abt ed and mary or is that annie using they/them pronouns for mary.

BUTTONS JUMPSCARE

also i love how they have that one medusa painting just. in their kitchen. im obsessed with the interior decor of this lesbian antique store that annie and mary live in

the way she's so touched by the poisoning attempt hjfgfjksghskjhgjkh

buttons being like "aahhhhhh do i give her... this bowl......????" fhjkghkfsjhk

"yeah, babe" TEALORANGES WIN

im honestly sad izzy's pathetic wet beast moment only really went for like three tiny scenes in one episode bc this shit was so funny to me. crawling away saying "you're born alone you die alone" over and over again. sir what are you even doing.

god buttons in this episode is so fucking funny bc i keep forgetting he's there. also why is he even there. like was he even invited to dinner or did he just sit down and annie and mary were like "oh ok i uh. guess we'll go make another plate??"

ed's face after buttons says the bit abt "i can tell this rabbit was intelligent" is soooo funny why is he so fucking pissed fdhsjkgyjdfkghjk

NO WAIT HE'S PISSED BC THAT WAS HIS FRIEND. THAT WAS HIS FRIEND THE WOLF HE WAS TELLING HIS SECRETS. NOW IM KINDA SAD :(:(:(

stede talking abt the sea when what he's actually talking abt is ed part 2 electric boogaloo

ed very calmly. standing up. and smashing the chair. im obsessed with him.

stede bonnet stupid dumbass moments

IMPROMPTU BLANKET FORT TIME

ed's voice is so quiet at the start of this scene he's not even yelling at stede until stede says "it's not fair" ohhhhhh my babygirl is so fucking sad........

"you ditching me without a note or anything" ed's literacy confirmed

"expecting me to just melt back into your arms" eddie my man. stede has not given literally any indication that he expected this at all. you are telling on yourself fhdjskghfkjshd

this scene is so fucking good i barely have anything to say abt it. just. u can rlly tell david jenkins wrote this ep himself lolll

"i was all in, mate. i was all in." IM SOBBING

oh nooooo i forgot that ed's line delivery of "im sorry my horrible naked chin disgusts you so much" isnt actually as sarcastic as the words itself make it seem. like it feels like ed wanted to say that all angrily and bitter but instead he just sounds sadddddd

ok ok but the way stede says "i love your chin naked or otherwise" and then after a pause (during which ed is keeping INCREDIBLY still bc u know otherwise he's just gonna burst into tearssss) stede whispers "ed" and ed is immediately like "don't" and then. stede going in for the "i love you" but like the way he's so slow with it?? he's literally like "i. love." and idk if it's bc he's trying to make this as clear as possible or if he's giving ed enough time to cut him off if he doesn't want to hear it

and ed DOES he DOES cut him off with "you don't get to say that to me" and he like. keeps glancing at stede out of the corner of his eye but not quite looking at him directly bc he knowwwwws it's like staring into the sun baby and ed knows if he looks at stede's face it's literally all over.

but also ed's face after stede pivots to "i love everything about you" he's SO pissed. he quietly groans and rolls his eyes bc this bitch. finding stupid loopholes to not being allowed to say "i love you." fuck this guy ed hates him so fucking much (lying)

oooooh when stede says "you don't have to say it back to me" ed's mouth opens and closes a bit before "not about to" bc this man is trying. SO hard not to cry (so am i but it's not working sorry there are tears on my face right now)

idk idk idk smthng abt "it's nice. feels good." makes me hurt so fucking bad bc the entire time since ed's woken up stede's been getting headbutted and snarked at passive-aggressively but stede's still like "i love being near you it makes me happy :)" brb i need. a fucking moment.

honestly tho how did annie and mary even overhear that bit bc they were on the other side of the room and stede was whispering SO quietly. opposite of when ppl in this show dont hear things despite the things being said like two feet away from them (1.03 geraldo and jackie talking abt how blackbeard was looking for stede, 2.01 zheng saying the indigo was worth way more than she spent on it)

LOVE how anne being like "stede likes the ladies" is how ed figures out "ohhhh wait ok theyre just fucking with us, got it" bc this guy??? liking women????? lmao

this also HAS to be why he gets over mary like his brain mustve gone "wait hang on why the fuck would he go back to her he doesn't even like women. guess maybe he really did panic huh" hdjksghfckghkjsh

obsessed with these TINY tiny details abt the ed/jack/annie/mary polycule dynamics we're given. ed would've expected as much from annie bc she's a fucking psycho. mary apparently used to not be like this. im putting the pieces together im connecting the dots.

ed and stede's knowing smug looks at each other. im obsessed.

annie being rlly sensitive to the word "bitch" im considering that more hints abt the polycule backstory

yayy fanny newspaper

"really? i mean she stabbed you, you poisoned her, and then she jumped on my face" stede this is all part of their very elaborate and deeply toxic sex life ok stop kinkshaming them

~~~

curious if ed and stede are too distracted by mary spelling out their worst fears to comment on all the smoke coming into the room

"everything must go" like a fucking clearance sale. this is such a silly line. this is a silly show. i love it here.

WHY DONT THEY MAKE OUT SLOPPY STYLE HERE THO

wait are they crying while they hug??? bro these girls are so fucking messy i love them

ed saying "see you guys" before he leaves them in their burning house. i would die for him

ok team arts and craft time while making a prosthetic for izzy. obsessed with how the b plot of this episode is literally "the crew struggles to get along but they eventually set aside their differences and work together when they realize there's someone even more cringe and pathetic than any of them"

"YOU ARE!!! HARASSING A CRIPPLE!!!!!!" is suchhhh a funny line im sorry im gonna miss izzy at his lowest fhsjkhjksf. literally they just knocked on the door my dude calm downnnn

obsessed with izzy being genuinelly touched and expressing it by saying "fucking cocksuckers." this man is allergic to having feelings.

stede and ed painfully talking over each other bc everything is awkward and difficult. i love them.

ed's face when stede offers to let ed stay. his very quiet "yis." the way he says "might be nice" and then VERY QUICKLY looks away

stede yelling GREAT at the top of his lungs fhdsjkguydfgfjkhl

i love when these guys try to play it cool bc theyre so fucking bad at it hgdfgvjfxdkgjjdkkgjhfdkh

stede bonnet dumb idiot moron moments

ed staring off lovinglyyyyyy

buttons jumpscare

also is that fucking sage. are we doing cultural appropriation here

buttons saying "Earth Wind and Fire i wanna go higher" hfjkhgfdjkhgjkh

i love how ed. does not question this "fuck yeah, brother. fly."

ed teach lovesick fool moments

i love how happy ed sounds telling stede abt buttons he sounds like his old goofy self for the first time all season.... im gonna cry

also i like how the crew adopts izzy as their new creature. 10/10

post credits scene is annie and mary at dinner with buttons. i guess it's after stede goes to comfort ed but before they go eavesdrop on that convo.

buttons enjoying his last meal as a human. and also he's like "there's too much fucking on that ship i need to get away from it all." and his way of doing this is becoming a bird. love that.

[aropride]

hi

hello internet strangers want to hear about my personal life as per usual

well as those familiar w my lore know my title ix case (us-specific college thing where, tldr, if u get sexually assaulted u can do a little mini court case thru ur school) is finally fucking over + i won . which is awesome. unfortunately the respondent (title ix word for "person who did the assaulting") got preeeetty much no sanctions at all . like literally nothing changed . the lawyer recommended they be moved to the other dorm hall but they couldnt, so basically they got put on probation and that's it. Lmao. which means my situation is WORSE than before i filed the complaint, bc b4 i filed the complaint they were in the other dorm hall, and then they moved to mine. but i can't do shit about it unless i want to take my school to, like, court.

well anyway the respondent's life changed in no meaningful way Except they moved out of the dorms last month by their own choice. i assumed that meant they were embarassed abt what they did But i guess not. Bc they've been getting really into on campus events and hanging out in the central building that i like to hang out at. and its like. okay. whatever.

but the thing is . theyve been going to a lot of queer-centric events recently . and while im the only person whos filed a complaint or won a case against them. i am not the only victim i know that for a fact and the other victim is also a queer person. So can you see why im worried about someone who managed to sexually assault two queer people within the first week of living on campus like, integrating themself into the community like nothing fucking happened

and theres this school dance coming up in a couple weeks and im worried that will give them an opportunity to like. hurt someone else.

and i want people to KNow what they did because i dont feel safe with them on campus anyway but i especially dont feel safe now theyre talking to people and making friends (especially bc most of their friends r like. friends of friends. like i dont know them but i know of them yk) . i dont know what theyre saying about me (if anything) and i especially dont know if theyve hurt anyone else. and they might have! because they demonstrated a frankly dangerous lack of regard for consent repeatedly Like i think this is a genuinely dangerous person, whether by malice or stupidity or both, and i dont want anyone else to get hurt

BUT THE KICKER IS...! well first of all we're bound by a no-contact order (baby version of a restraining order). you cant be in the same classes and you cant talk to each other (irl, online, or thru a 3rd person) the title ix coordinator has provided jack shit about what a no contact order actually entails btw lol 😒. But if i were to tell someone and they went and told that person, idk if that would be considered 3rd party contact, which would get Me in trouble

i also dont know if it would be considered "breaking confidentiality" if i said their name- again, don't know jack shit, don't have documentation of the actual rules i'm supposed to be following. but i really dont feel like this is a safe situation for this person to be on campus with no one knowing what they did

im also just generally worried about them finding out ive told people and getting mad and going to the coordinator and me getting in trouble when the only reason im even considering this is bc, again, the school didnt do jack shit

and i dont even know How i would tell aynone . like im not rly friends with most of these people . i see them around and some of them i think are cool but theyre not friends or really even aquaintences . so it would be fucking weird .

but i dont know what to do and i dont want anyone else to get hurt . and i know thats not on Me, but. i also dont want to sit back and Know. and not say anytthing

[br4tphobia]

Now sis you know you gotta give us the ☕️ on how last night happened!!!

GIRLLL. i got dickkkeeddd all the way deown!! 🙈🙈🙈 but this is what happenneeedd

ok so as soon as he step through the door we hug riighttt, then he says i smell good, like bby it ain nun new but tyy. he did too oml 😖 but yhh he askin me hru and shi and i do the same, im leadin him upstairs to my lil palaacee 🙈🙈 music was already playin the led lights was on toooo🤞🏾🤞🏾 he said “damn u really set the mood” i saaiiiddd “i js wanna have a good time” i smiled at him too, he told me i had a nice smile im not letting it go to waste !! 🙈🙈 so i lay down on the bed and i feel his hand on my ass im like sir..

but anyways i pass a controller to him bc im tryna chill first and he took it, we played a injustice 2 for a bit and he said “who wins, chooses the other person a piece of clothing to take off”

it was corny as shit but i agreed so we playedd and guess who won.. him. 😞 he told me to take off my shirt and i did blah blah he saw my tattoo and said it was pretty cool, he won again and i took off my shorts bc he said sooooo, i won this time and im telling him to take off that shirt bc i cant get over his chest tat omggg 😖 he won again.. ☹️ aannnddd the underwear haddd to go. 😕 so ms.bertha (my p$$y 💁🏾‍♀️) was js out.

“change of plans, play by urself. see if u can focus.” idk what he means until the match starts and i feel his fingers pushin against ms. bertha.. like you just awoken her, ain no goin back.

so he start fingerin me and lord. i put the controller down bc he know what he’s doing!! but he stops. 🧍🏾‍♀️ “focus” im whining bc hello? i’m tryna get fingered and u stoppin.. but yk i picked that damn controller up and started playing again but now he kissin on my damn neckk, “if you win, you dont need to worry bout allat shit.”

that pissed me off but hey. the dick was worth ittt!! so blah blahh i won and i laid the fuck back and let him finger the shittt outta be while he tonguing me downnn. hes such a good kisser 🥹

skip that shit now he inbetween my thighs. 🙈 when i tell u, HE KNOWS HOW TO EAT SUM PUSSY. oml i didnt wanna grab his hair bc what if he dont like it? but then he says “u can touch me” so i took that opportunity, i kinda tugged on it accidentally bc it felt so gooodd and bro like whines kinda!? omg. that woke me all the way up bccc 😫 bro would not let up either i had to push that mf away!! 😭

im sensitive bc i came like twice already and now im js jerkin him off while we kissinnn and then he pulls away then smiles. U GOT ME READY TO RISK IT AAALLLLLLL. cuz u still playin wimmie? ☹️☹️☹️

but yeaaa he asks for consent i said yh he slides it in and says “shit you’re wet.” oh baby ik but girl. GIRL. he filled me right tf uppp, he waited a while then he started moving and lemme tell u. ooo chile im hooked onto him!! 😖

im over here moanin n shit, soundin smexxyyy and omfg. bc tell me why this mf sounds so pretty. hes like quite kinda but you can still hear him grooaaannn ☹️ lord he was pushin down on ma stomach n urr thang, bro put my leg on his shoulder too!! oh u goin deeeppp 😖 but we wasnt in missionary long before he let me ontop, first mistake. 🙈

put that hang in reverse and took my joy ride (u get it 🤓😭😭😭) , bc lemme tell u. this nigga slaps hard as hell . AND I MEAN IT. bro slapped my ass mf hard i still saw the print when i looked in the mirror. LIKE HELLO?

oml the accent. THE MF ACCENT.. ugghg bc why is he sayin “just like that princess” HE CALLED ME PRINCESS THE WHOLE TIMR HE WAS THERE oml ☹️

so im doin my thanggg, spellin coconut with my waist a few times bc thats what really got him🤭🤭 touching all up on me i tell u 😓 thenn i lean down on the bedand threw that shit tff backk!! oml no bc i was abt to cum right so i told him, i swear when i came this nigga is talking me through it omfgg! “there you go princess” “let it out” SIRRRR. his voice was so soft im telling you!! i love me some men with nice ass voices. 😩

so we still goin and im sensitive asl so im getting loud and he is with me 🤭🤭 yk blah blah blah he nutted on my ass 💁🏾‍♀️💁🏾‍♀️ we kept the position and he put face down ass up after i had anotherr orgasm

and he fuckin my shit up oml. he told me to keep my arch i swear i could nOTT. he had to push on my back!! yk he nuts a few times i do too blah blah and swear i was on the verge of screaming when he slowed down, like he was still strokin my shit so good but slow as helll. my nigga.. he fucked me so good i called him daddy 🤭 he made me repeat that shit too like sirr. 😭 now he in my ear tellin me “nut on this dick” “you can do it” “cmon princess gimme another”

shii i did!! 🙈🙈🙈 and guess what? he nutted with me 💁🏾‍♀️🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾

trust me this was so much longer than written but he after careddd, made sure i peed blah blah

he was watching tiktok before he started kissing on me again and slid my panties deoowwnnn, he hit it from the side yk thatt i got a grip on him the way he sayin my shit so fat 🙈🙈🙈

we both came blah blah same thing every round, we rested for a lil bit

i asked him if he could take me downstairs but i was just joking!! so tell me why this nigga fr carried me downstairs.. 😛

we spent a lil time together, crackin jokes before he came up behind me, hiked my leg on the counter yawwpp, but we had to stop bc his food was done. 😒

he asked me if i was hungry but i wasnt any more bc i fucked up some cheezits

but yh we went back upstairssss and talked for a while before he laid down he woke up around 3 and already touchin on me 😞 but my friend was right we stayed like that for a while until he wanted to start playin with ms.bertha.. 😛 yk i give in immediately bc he knowsss how to use his fingers real good 😫 that middle and ring inside + the thumb ontop combo zont play!!!

ykk im pressin my ass on his print bc he got me so needy and for what? he got my face down ass up again and a notification popped up which showed my friends message, and me told me to reply.. 😞 and obviously, i did. liv u can see that 😭😭 but bro threatened to stop like no sir u gon keep goin.. ☹️

so yeppp after that i immediately fell asleep omg. he did too but guess who woke up firstt 🤭🤭 big valerie!! i wanted to brush my teeth first bc i found it a lil nasty to do that a dirty mouth. 😒 luckily he ain wake up and yk i craawwwlll under them sheets and got the fuck to work!! 🤭

he woke up and already grabbing on my head n shii. im deep throating and strokin his balls or whatevaa, got him moanin and cussin. 💁🏾‍♀️💁🏾‍♀️ he told me he was abt to cum and yk i js stroked him bc i dont got time to be havin literal kids in my mouth..but i do for them to be on my lips!

u said my lips was attractive? oh worrddd? bet. 😩 my lips was on his tip right im trying so hard not to smile bc lord the hold i had on him!!! 🙈🙈🙈 he buss all on my shit, licked them lips and he kissed me right afterr 😁

he asked me if i would be ok by myself, i told him yh bc im not tryna have my roommates see him 😭 ugh i wish he staayyyeeeddd. ☹️ but yk he took a shower and i washed his clothes 🤞🏾🤞🏾

anddd bae left around 12 ☹️☹️☹️ his tongued me tf down before leaving too like sir dpwm i will take u right back upstairs 😒

THATS IT 💁🏾‍♀️💁🏾‍♀️💁🏾‍♀️ @luvliv4lifexoxo here girl!! hope u woke ya ass up

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[yuukei-yikes]

omg elaborate on your traumatic childhoods for hibihiyo + takane .... iirc takane is raised by her grandma right?

oh!! well it's nothing super awful compared to everyone else's

my hc for hibiya comes from the fact his parents lock him out of the house when he asked to go to the city😭😭😭 the only way they agreed was bc he said he'd study but even like that they didnt want it he had to lie abt a special course abt india and pretend he was obsessed with india. which is a very funny bit BUT yeah they lock him out of the house at night. with WOLVES.👎 awful move amamiyas.

my hc actually leans a bit more to what the anime shows since in the novels both his parents do that but in the anime it's the dad. so my hibiya hc is he comes from a Toxic Masculinity Household. he's from an old fashioned farmer family in a small village yknow (they have a dojo in the anime buuuut farmer hibiya is real 4ever👨‍🌾 idk why the anime did that. idk why the anime did many things)

anyways so his dad biggest piece of shit person alive. his mom. his mom is NICE hibiyas definitely close to her while he's afraid of his dad but i think she is maybe the kind of mom to break down all the time and be like oh poor me my life is misery and hibiya feels responsible for her. like she is not bad shes just been married to an awful awful guy for many years, she's a victim but also makes it very known she's a victim. hibiya definitely is the type of kid who feels like he has to shield his mom. hibiya's mom i love you. she is said to pour him tea in the hallway while he waited for hiyori to call him (before locking him out of the house but like i said im ignoring that it was just the dad 2 me💥👨‍🌾)

FOR HIYORI look ayaka literally ESCAPED from her parents. hiyori didnt KNOW she had a sister. and they're rich people. i think they're very old parents and hiyori is a last minute kid bc their first one was a Bust according to them so they'll have another Heir and this time do it RIGHT that means eyes on her all the time, giving her 0 autonomy but also absolutely everything material she asks for so we keep her under control. something like that. just very controlling parents but i also hc hiyori is so off the rails after the august in the city and they're pretty old already so they're like Ohhh god. and they're always fighting lol but before that hiyori was like Yes sir with them. think the northwests in gravity falls lol

and for takane I've obviously talked of her. but answering what u said, honestly we dont actually Know if she was raised by her grandma. and if she was, it's her grandparents! both!! her grandpa was around til his death, which is implied to be a little before or after takane starts highschool since he picked that school for her. her parents work overseas but her grandparents take charge to the point they're choosing what school she will go to etc, you know?? these arent headcanons btw that's all canon. we just dont know.... why. im so curious bc it's so oddly specific lmao like why werent the grandparents just. parents. but no. she's said to live with her grandma but used to also have a grandad and her parents work overseas. like. what. what was the need to come up with all this bro

anyways my headcanons. i do hc she was raised by her grandparents. since the parents work overseas im assuming they're very career oriented, and since the grandparents are both individually mentioned to be super worried about takane's illness, im assuming the grandparents were like can you STOP taking this sick kid from place to place and the parents were like fiiiine. here u can have her😐 and that's it lol i dont think they're rich parents or HORRIBLE PEOPLE i know it's popular to hc them as these Awful Horrible People i personally think they aren't Mean. they just are not AROUND. i dont think they'd be mean to her if they saw her i think they'd just sit there rly awkward like so... how is school going.... but they Won't because they Don't care👍

my extra hc is that the grandparents dont get along with the parents bc of this, or they're like wtf how did we raise someone who ABANDONED THEIR CHILD. so they raise takane with that in mind a lot and amd and and they're family.... and love each other... we do also gloss over takane losing her grandpa i know it's cuz its BARELY MENTIONED AND ITS AN ODDLY SPECIFIC DETAIL WE JUST. HAVE. but she was like 15 or 16 when he dies bro u_u fuck the tateyamas crying for ayaka can i see how my girl ene was doing losing unnamed grandfather

[zai-doodles]

OK OK this is my last question for real this time, I say with complete confidence

I just… MAN you really sold me on platonic Nalu!!! Would you please give a poor, desperate soul (me) some of your platonic Nalu headcanons? Or even just one is fine, I know writing all of these up must be tiring lol

bestie im literally having a blast stop apologizing im kissing u so platonically ily

ONTO THE NALU HCS

i actually have a bunch of stuff written for them so imma just throw it here

Natsu is so fucking acearo its not even funny They're besties, natsu would protect lucy with his life and lucy would do the same but its platonic i swear guys- Lucy is the first NEW person natsu gets close to after lisanna, bc this boy is so tired of having ppl taken from him without his fucking say so Like idk natsu works so hard to be strong enough to protect his family and then his dad and childhood best friend disappear without a trace when he's not even around to help?? Boy thinks he's cursed I fully believe that Natsu would rarely leave gray and erza's side as kids bc he was worried he close his eyes and they'd just be gone It gets SO much worse after lisanna dies

Idk the actual age when this happens in canon but im saying he was probably like 11 and had known lis since he was like 4 Erza and gray r also really shaken by her death but the thing that really fucks with them is how it changes natsu bc if u thought these 3 were codependent before oh boy All this to say that lucy was like, an exception, and its probably why erza and gray were so quick to be like yes shes great bc they were more just excited and kinda relieved natsu made a fucking friend without them or the guild involved I think his job was taking longer than he wanted, and he was growing really frustrated and impatient with the fact he hadn't found anything abt igneel and happy was trying to cheer him up but in my mind when natsu's bummed he's bummed he meets lucy and she's just so nice But its also that shes also kinda fucking weird and natsu just latches onto that bc to him weird is normal and comfortable and it makes him bounce back and idk it goes kinda similar to how it goes in canon without natsu and happy being weirdly antagonistic and Lucy isnt as put off by how bat shit crazy natsu is bc she just finds it fun and like a breath of fresh air Like lucy grew up in such a suffocating proper environment, so when she meets natsu and his fucking crazyness shes like omg finally my life is so boring Lucy is genuinely looking for excitement and adventure so of course she goes with natsu to join fairy tail And I think it takes natsu aback how ready she is to go with him but i think in his mind because she wasn’t deterred by his “quriks” like most ppl he was immediately like new family fuck yea Bc idk that's just how his mind works bc subconsciously i think natsu knows he is difficult or weird so he's learned to latch onto the people who don't mind that abt him and that's just so happened to,, only be ppl who had to put up with him in fairy tail Not to mention a part of him probably believes it's his fault that igneel left in that kid way where u just feel like everything is ur fault oop Also also i think that lucy literally has no frame of reference for like, a normal healthy friendship, so she kinda just takes natsu's lead and oh boy is that a mistake Like after lucy joins the guild natsu is just CONSTANTLY hanging around her the way he did with erza and gray when they were kids and lucy, again having little to no sense of how friends work, just kinda lets him and gets use to it, she actually really enjoys having that sort of attention bc idk she's never really experienced having someone WANT to be around her just cuz, like the closest thing she had to friends were her servants who were literally obligated to be around her all the time and any “friends” her age she had were forced to hang out with her bc of her family I think Gray and Erza start to worry a bit that if Natsu is too overbearing he’ll end up pushing lucy away bc they're all under the assumption that lucy is a normal person with normal boundaries and a normal childhood So they pull natsu aside like hey bestie maybe don't growl at people when they look at her she might think ur mean and stop wanting to hang out with u Bc they KNOW how natsu is and they dont mind but they're also 2 traumatized orphans who don't have a normal frame of reference for how other ppl work, but unlike natsu they usually air on the side of caution It kinda eats at natsu a bit and he tries to give lucy her space especially if she gets even a little annoyed with him Lucy starts to notice but doesn't say anything bc she just figures he's probably bored with her bc she genuinely believes she's just painfully uninteresting in every way And then she gets kidnapped And natsu loses his fucking mind :D Bc for fuck sake this boy can NOT have a friend without them being taken from him High key it goes like, the same as canon bc i like how that went But the AFTERMATH Oh fucking boy Natsu literally doesn't leave her side This is where, i think, Natsu starts breaking into lucy's apartment lol Its treated as comedic but there's an underlying tension where natsu is just extremely hesitant to leave ever or even let lucy leave And that's when lucy starts to be like aight this cant continue Not in a mean way in just a, idk how to function if i can't be alone ever and it lowkey brings memories of her childhood which is also bad bc natsu isn't her keeper nor should he be And that's not what natsu is TRYING to do he's literally just so scared that if he blinks wrong shell disappear they figure it out tho bc they r friends and UGH i just wanT them to talk and cuddle platonically bc UGH I LOVE THEMMM