#im glad she ended up in the hospital. she got the help she needed. and she and i got closer

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

i dont know if im still just fucking reeling and riding the extreme emotional high that the david kaufman voicelines gave me. but i think pd just bumped up to being my favorite jrwi campaign. like it was suuuuch a close second behind riptide for so long. and while i do love riptide very dearly and it has a really really specific special place in my brain. god fucking damn it i havent been this winded and weepy and emotional over a season finale in such a long time

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

[queasy-kitty]

story time: throwing up in my mask at the mental hospital

basically i was there because i was hella depressed, anxious, suicidal and shit, i was on and off all kinds of meds so i was somewhat used to feeling a little sick. also this was in 2021, we had to wear n95 masks everyday.

so basically i ate a bunch of weird shit throughout the day. during lunch i tried some vegetarian chicken nuggets but didn’t eat enough of them so i was forced to drink an ensure. after that i got an opportunity to have boba which was awesome but i was struggling to enjoy it. at the end of the day, some staff had made cinnamon rolls and they looked so good. i couldn’t resist. my stomach hurt so bad but i had no idea how close i was to losing it.

after all of that, we were all sitting around our tables talking about our feelings or whatever and my stomach felt really really bad. i needed to burp and i felt like i could do it casually without causing much of a scene. let me remind you, at this point in time one of the reasons im hospitalized is my anxiety. including social anxiety.

so i tried to burp and i swear to god my friend knew exactly what was happening. she was staring at me. turns out the burp brought up an entire hot mouthful of god knows what, INTO my mask.

the rest is all kind of a blur, i remember my friend next to me trying to help me and giving me a cup, and i remember sliding the extra puke that was in my hands into that cup. the nurse helped me get to the bathroom and left me for a moment. i remember pouring out the cup and trying to throw up again but i didn’t even have to. it was just that one gush, in front of everyone

I remember i had a pen in my hand too for some reason, so i threw away the pukey cup, mask, and pen, before i started washing my hands. a different nurse came back to get me, and they brought me to the little “nurses office” of the place. i sat down and remember feeling the most intense humiliation. i literally felt like i could never go back and face anybody that had seen it happen. at this point i was having a panic attack and begging to be alone and they were like uhhhhh no. my hair was crunchy with dry vomit. i remember the nurse brought my best friend into the nurse place and she was so so concerned about me. it was really shocking, I would’ve acted so weird if my friend threw up like that but she was just worried about me, and didn’t want to leave my side.

the next day i came back to the whole group and everyone was totally chill, a couple of the girls even tried to cheer me up by telling me some of their own embarrassing vomiting stories. anyways of all the places for something so horrific to happen, im glad it was there lol.

[randomwriteronline]

I've been re-reading your notes on your Adoption AU and there's so many neat points.

The way each turaga bonds with and helps the kids, as well as the specifics. Like Nokama helping Gali find a way to vent her anger safely, and encouraging her to be angry in the first place. Or Vakama nonchalance to Tahu's declaration that he'll run off to find his siblings. "Sure, just let me kit you out first so that you can survive."

The body horror related to the Toa Mata's origins in this AU.

How you've adapted the Toa Metru's hordika transformations just gives me so many feelings. It's horrifying, and heartwarming in the ending. They only want to care about their kids and won't hurt them.

Velika is delightfully scary, as is Artakha.

The twist in the ending, how the Toa Mata unravel everything and didn't even intend it that way. Also the irony that Velika's plan likely would have failed like this ultimately even if everything else went according to her plans.

aAAAAAAA THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

im sososososo glad the kids n turaga are good i love them so much. at last i can lean entirely in the familial affection i want to project onto their canon counterparts without fucking it up. AND im happy taht the villains are fucking off putting despite in Velikas case being like, A Normal Woman while the protagonists are all weird ass pieces of cosmic horror disguised as ppl technically. i mean. as normal as she can be. AND YEAH IT WOULD HAVE ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING... thats both funny as hell and so so terrible.

ACTually i do have. a few more stuff i forgot to mention like KOPAKA ISNT COMATOSE FOR LIKE THE WHOLE SECOND HALF OF THE PLOT, when his sibs touch him he starts getting better and gets out of the hospital and stuff, he just has to, you know. get back in his body properly. because he was Snow for a hot second there

or when Tahu becomes fire Vakama throws himself in a blazing inferno and pulls him back out essentially through the beads Tahu made for him... or Nokama and Whenua throwing themselves into the ground/sea wading through it until they pull their kids out... or Matau holding onto Lewa's hand in the middle of a tornado...

OR. speaking of the hordika. i have two specific scenes that are so clear in my Mind

first one is shortly after Velika activated the trigger for the transformation and the Turaga scattered to keep the kids safe from them somehow, and Whenua manages to get Onua in a ventilation shaft. Onua ofc thinks his dad is coming along and starts panicking when Whenua fucking shuts it behind him (also bc hes scared of heights so yknow) and tries to reach for him through the grates but Whenua starts giving instructions on how to avoid HIM - he cant climb anywhere so the kids need to stay off the ground, he cant crane his neck but hes got good hearing, stay away from his back elgs bc theyre very strong and dangerous, etc. He tells Onua he's a smart boy and to keep his siblings safe and then he just keeps repeating that he loves him so so so so much as he goes through this horrendous change more and more violently until hes full on just a monstrous animal screaming and scraping at the wall trying to get to his son and Onua has to scuttle away in tears

and second one is later on, while the Turaga are in full pursuit. Pohatu is running away but hes distracted, so he falls down some stairs and gets hurt super badly - nothing broken but it hurts so much he straight up cant stand up or move for a little. and Onewa finds him (hes a big predator with so many Sharp Fucking Teeth) and approaches him quickly and Pohatu is bawling his eyes out bc his dad is going to MAUL HIM and then theres this huge tongue licking his face while Onewa whines inconsolably. hes like RED ALERT BABY HURT CLEAN BABY IMMEDIATELY and hes nudging him with his nose and whimpering trying to understand how to help him and hes laying down next to him with his big scary body curled up around him just Licking Him. Pohatu snaps out of shock like dad thats gross! thats gross!! thats gross... and he starts crying HARDER bc his dad loves him SO much even tho hes a big fuck off scary ass beast and hes been lookin out for him this whole time still... and then Onewa pulls him up by the scruff of his shirt and puts him on his back and they go around like that. and Velika is looking at that and going "HM. I MAY HAVE MISCALCULATED."

also Nuju def takes a bullet for his boy and Nokama absolutely jumps Velika the moment she comes close to her daughter and maybe lands a big fuckoff bite on her. and Gali kicks the fuck out of Velika for all of ten seconds when her mom is neutralized bc Nokama taught her well

[arisherifeu]

Broken People Part III

Author’s Note: Im asking myself how did this story ended up getting part III? That’s the the thing about impulsive writing. It just happens. ໒(⊙ᴗ⊙)७✎▤

WARNING ‼️- DRUG ABUSE

Part I Part II Part IV

Last night felt like fever dream for Lynette. House came, struck a fight, James got angry, she confessed she was using drugs to stabilise her chronic migraines that comes every time she moves and today, she was still not going to work. It was already 5 am and she attentively watches James sleeping on the couch where he offered to stay for the night.

Lynette went over at the couch but she sat on the floor, her back against the couch. Carefully trying not to wake James up. She brought her knees to her chests as she contemplates on what to do with herself. She knew what she needed to do. But she was scared. She loves being a doctor. She didn’t want to lose any credibility. A part of her was hoping that House wouldn’t say anything at all. Not to anybody. Because she heard stories about how ruthless House can be. She was scared and intimidated by how powerful House was at the hospital. Would she be spared from his ruthlessness? It wasn’t fair to her. Because House was just as guilty as he supposed to be. This hospital would be bankrupt if anyone exposed what House did to his patients despite saving their life. Lynette was thinking hard. She got too worried.

But a gentle pat on her back relinquished her from all the evil thoughts. She lifted her head to the side to see Wilson sat up, looking at her endearingly. “I hope you’re feeling a little bit better today.” He wished.

And to be honest it kinda did. Just a little bit better.

______________________________________

James decided to stay at home together so they can talk things out today. He was just so glad that he already settled down all his patients charts and the medicine to be prescribed to them today. So, he doesn’t have to worry about work at all. While Lynette got herself sorted out in the shower room, James helped himself to her kitchen trying to make something out with the things he found in the fridge. For someone who doesn’t eat much like Lynette, he was just really glad the fridge and the pantry were stocked with food. He decided to make a heavy breakfast for her to start off the day. So he managed to make eggs, toasts and sausages with cut up apples on the side.

Lynette walks in the kitchen smelling something so delicious. With towel on her head, cropped shirt that display her awfully skinny body with protruding bones in her baggy sized jogger pants that dropped lower than her waist. James unconsciously eyes her again. He couldn’t stop worrying. Hoping that she will never ever fell and break her bones.

“I made a heavy breakfast.” He smiles.

“It smells nice, James.” She smiles back.

They both sat together at the eating table. Face to face as they eat in silence. Lynette didn’t gobble up the food at once like she did before. She was slightly scared that she might throw up again so she ate slower as she can.

“I can’t thank you enough..” she started. She was still looking at her food. To be honest, she was still shy. She was timid as she was yesterday after listening to the whole ordeal about the fight yesterday with House.

“It’s fine. I am just sorry that he went through your personal record. But trust me, he means well. He just can’t put it into good words..He understands..you know hes on vicodin..” James began.

Lynette just kept eating in silent. James doesn’t push her with anything except to eat silently with her too because he knows its hard for her to admit to everything thats happening. He was also worried about the fact that the relationship started off on the wrong foot.

“I lost my dad at the hospital I used to work before Princeton..I jeopardised the whole operation thinking that I knew better than the doctors who had his chart. That was my dad and I couldn’t let anything happen to him. He was the only I had left. So I..” Lynette stopped, subtly choked on her food. Trying hard to swallow the food with the glass of water in her hands.

“You don’t have to tell me the story if you don’t want to. You don’t owe me anything.” James clarify. He held her left hand. Lynette looks deeply into his eyes, feeling comforted but she knew in the end he will found out about her maybe from someone else’s mouth so she decided to come clean with it. It’s the best way to get this relationship stabilised.

“You just need to understand, I am not the person you know today or these 6 months before. I was different. How I was back then was just the consequences of self negligence. I did it, with my dad in my mind hoping he would still be alive on that table when the doctors cut him. But I was wrong, it was never the heart, even when he has the condition before. It was his head. But even with all the blackmails I did to the doctors, to force them carve open my dad’s heart. It was already enough to send me into some sort of vortex. My license should have been revoked but I was saved. Then all I know I was already here. Then my migraine came and haunt me. It wouldn’t stop hurting. I feel pain every time I move anywhere. So I took the pills and they help.” She stopped there.

By then, James already stopped eating his food. James silently stares at her unknowingly that he has been caressing her left hand and never let go. Even when the story ended. Lynette’s heart has never been that fast. She couldn’t hear herself breathe because of how strong the heartbeat of her heart is. Her hand started shaking. James noticed and he just held it more tight. Not letting go. He sat silently. Grieving with her as she tries her best but her body’s started to shake, quite vigorously. James got so worried that he pulled Lynette from the kitchen and bring her straight to the bed where he covers her with the blanket. She was already on the withdrawal phase he suspected.

“When did you stop taking the pills?” He questioned. Lynette was already shaking profusely with sweat all over her forehead. “Last week..” she said but almost sounded like a whisper.

“You didn’t take any pills then? At all?” He questioned again sternly. But Lynette can only shook her head trying to deal with the pain in her head.

“You’re doing so well. You look better. You’re gonna get better in a couple more days.” He motivates. James was astonished at the woman’s durability. James passed her a cup of water to chug. Which helps to stabilise her electrolytes. James hugged her the best way he possibly could so he could stop the shaking. Which did help Lynette to become more calmer.

She was way worse before in the last week when she first stopped taking the pills. Her head pain worsens, nausea and vomiting everywhere. She doesn’t even have the energy to clean her own mess that she would leave it for a few days till maggots formed around it. She slept on her bed for a few days dealing with her pain, crying. But she had to go to work. She was so good at hiding her pain when nobody else watches. Even James didn’t realised that her demeanour changed. Lynette can only feel glad that the withdrawal doesn’t seemed as bad and that only her head hurts and she was glad that James doesn’t see her worst side.

Lynette suddenly shot up, James was taken aback. Lynette started running towards the toilet and vomit all the content that she had. James trailed behind and held her hair up, stroking her back while she vomits all that she can.

“We gotta go to the hospital, Lynette.” James started.

“No. I am not going anywhere near a hospital.” Lynette resisted.

“But we gotta do scans, we gotta do MRI. We can find if there’s anything we can do to subside your migraine.” He tries to convince. Lynette slowly closed the lid of the toilet, and flushed the contents. She sat with her back against the wall, looking at James weakly. She already has to deal with the pain but now she has to resist James knowing James can just force her to get the scans. But she was adamant, she can fix this on her own. James started to spoon her, and carry her with ease to the couch. He was worried at the lack of fat she has in her body considering her weight was like a feather.

James gave her more water by filling up a bottle and hand it to her to drink. She drank willingly. James also brought her unfinished food to the couch table, in hoping she can try to eat again. Lynette willingly takes another bite at the toast, slowly chewing. She was afraid to vomit again but she was hungry. She needed the energy. Thankfully, she managed to eat everything even though she took around an hour and a half to finished them all.

By then, she has some energy to walk around in the house. Just pacing around. James watches attentively to everything she was doing. She decided to do housework and started uncovering her bed sheets and pillow sheets but James sighed and went up to her.

“I will do it. If you let me?” He requested but more commanding. He held her forearms very gently.

“It’s fine, James. I need something to distract myself right now.” Lynette said looking at him, feeling kind of cranky.

“But what you need is rest..” he looked at her with his puppy dog eyes.

“Is that how you flirt with most women?” She scoffed, feeling blushed looking at his soft eyes.

“It still works.” James smiling shyly at her.

Lynette softened. She looked at James with the most smitten look on her face that she immediately blushed right after. She went over to her drawer to get fresh sheets to hide her blushes.

“Can I ask you a question?” James asked.

“Shoot.” Lynette responds after passing him right side of the bed sheet so James could fit his side of the edge.

“Do you have someone before this?” He questioned nonchalantly while Lynette stopped in her tracks, feeling weirded out by the question.

“Well I haven’t been thinking about it for quite some time now..had that monkey love when I was at school..but that was like 7 years ago. I couldn’t be bothered with this because of my dad.” She answered and she finally got the left side edge fitted on to the mattress, leaving the pillow sheets left.

“Is it still recent? About your dad?” James asked again.

“Well yeah..it’s technically last year. Tomorrow night should be his first death anniversary.” Lynette answered finally got the new bedsheet sorted in with James’s help. Lynette lay on the bed feeling a bit tired just from doing that small chore. James just sat beside her, arms stretched out holding his weight while his legs stretched across the bed.

“I’m not just some damaged goods right..?” Lynette questions.

“Why do you think so?” James asked worryingly. Lynette took a minute to answer because she was nervous, so she decided to lay on her other side so she doesn’t have to look at James.

“I don’t like the look in your eyes James. You’re looking at me as if Im damaged beyond reparable. You look nice. But your eyes are telling me I am just too different than any other person you saw. It’s the same look you give House too.. sometimes I see how you looked at him and I wondered if it was true…that I am just the girl version of him. Thinking that if you could fix me .. maybe there’s a way for you to fix him..” Lynette finished. James looked defeated. He loves Lynette for she was but she was needy. She needed someone on her side and James decided to stepped up to the role. He hated how House was right that he always comes to the rescue when this case happened.

James was frustrated but he couldn’t say anything. Instead he got up and walk out. Lynette got up and trailed behind him but as soon as she saw James reaching for his jacket and walk towards the door, Lynette ran after him. An adrenaline rush throughout her whole body. She rushed to hug him from behind. James was surprised because of the momentum his body felt when she hugged him.

“Even if it was true! I…I don’t want you to leave. I have no one else..” Lynette trembled, because she was desperate to stay connected to the feeling that she has right now with James. It was the one thing that could make her keep going. Something that she could look forward to. James was saddened, as if he didn’t feel the same epiphany before because he knew, he relied too much on House as well and wanted House to change and be someone like Lynette. House is his best friend. But with Lynette it’s so much different.

James turned his body and looked at Lynette with his left hand on her jaw, feeling her warmth, his thumb caressing it. He looked in her eyes with the same puppy dog eyes he always have. “Do you trust me enough when I said I love you?”

[angelfruittree]

okay this is going to be a long one i have so many thouuughtttss!!!!

also I guess spoilers for anyone else reading this ask xoxoxo

ANDEN MY LOOVE!!!! at the start when he refused to wear jade I thought.... oh no.... this is going to come back to haunt him but my guy stuck to his guns!!!!! obsessed with him putting him putting that creep remi in his place 🤭 his relationship with niko 😭 him standing up to hilo on his behalf 'its what lan would have done' KILL ME!!!!! anden being to niko what lan was to anden.... Im SICK.

shae storyline with maro.... weirdly I think this was one of the scenes that had me sobbing the most, her doing what needed to be done so he wouldn't be hurt craaazzyyyyy. luuuuuv woon and shae so glad she got everything she wanted in the end! - even tho shae and ayt mada should have made our sloppy style-

hilo..... what a character. watching him grow throughout the series and seeing him become pillar but still being as ruthless and violent ever. no ones doing it like him. some of the shit he did was CRAZY. I started pacing when it was revealed lan had a son because I just knew that that was NOT going to end well. BUT HILO AS A DAD????? RU????? dont get me started on ru that was EVIL. him pushing niko away just as he did anden when they didnt live up to his expectations 😭 but he turned up at the airport!!!!!!

that ending.... anden and shae sharing jade 'is there anything you want me to say to lan?' 'the clan is our blood and the pillar is its master' WEN SITTING UNDER THE TREE WHERE THEY WERE MARRIED!???? i honestly couldnt think of ending where it didn't happen this way. lan being the pillar that hilo never could be but hilo being the pillar that a war time kekon needed and now war is over....

i had to leave him until last...bero that fucking cockroach. i dont know why i actually believed mudt had done it, had finally got him. when I read 'bero was in the hospital for over a month' i think i rolled my eyes so hard i saw my brain. in the end I couldn't actually help but warm to that sad little guy. him meeting niko and driving anden to the twice lucky and him just being NOTHING to these people.

honestly I could go on this was a 10/10 series and I think im going to have trouble picking up any other book for a while. the characters are so vivid I feel like im in mourning

LYS OH MY GOD.

SOUL CRUSH CHECK IN: ARE YOU OKAY???

ANDEN AND "anden being to niko what lan was to anden.... Im SICK." THIS actually made me start shuddering god niko niko so like hilo actually, so painfully like him! Anden not touching jade really fucking stressed me out for so long but he refused to be defined by it, he carved his own path (actually niko and anden and hilo ARE THEY NOT ALL FOILS FOR EACH OTHER PLEASEEE)

Im still not ready to talk about Ru.. "its okay andy. just say what needs to be said"

"Ru had always seen himself as whole even when she could not" no i genuinely... the way Wen's trauma of being a s********* tried to have its way with Ru and it never did and he was brave and good and kind and he was important and omg i am actually sobbing typing this- the way no one goes for the last bun -(RU actually destroyed hilo -i'm sobbing im actuallly crying im not ready to talk about him. "if only hed been a coward just once" i was actually nearly sick reading this arc as well actually im not sure i knew a moments peace reading this series lmao ( i still cant be coherent about it )

Okay you know in jade war when hilo goes to 'escort' niko back into .. i was listening to that on the street and fully KEELED OVER ive never been that gagged in my life.

WEN AND SHAE??? HELLOOOO that fucking arc nearly gave me a heart attack i COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS READING.

"felt her brothers irreprescible jade aura..." no lys im not okay this has reopened the wound

PLEASE BERO WAS A VICTIM BUT ALSO THEE VILLAIN OF this series in my mind like just a banal and and unkillable evil like a bug nothing grand about him just a virus!! hes responsible for so much!!!!!! began the story and ended it!!! please we donnt have to ever stop talking about it though i am unstable

NO ONE CAME OUT UNSCATHED THAT IS THE THING.

[jayflrt]

Calling that there was an agreement where Jennie taps Hoon and Sujin taps YN to avoid the whole situation looking nepo baby and WHEN Hoon freaks about it then his brother is just going to frame it as him not trusting him again. The gas light is on people.

Heeseung you fishy little fish. I feel like Hee was probably once a decent guy but surviving in this world is not easy and he has begun to drift away from his previous frame of morality. He doesn’t want to admit to himself that he’s not that much of a decent guy anymore.

Controversial opinion but I feel (based solely on the evidence we have now) like Hoon is actually one of the most morally upright members of that group. His methods are NOT always great and he frequently loses sight of what is important, but my dude generally has pure goals and is not out to wreck people for fun. He is genuinely working for what he has. He is being bullied and manipulated by his family. He is a truly tragic character and fully deserves better. Hoping Yeonjun’s secret twin sister (or something) shows up and teaches him how to love like a human being. He genuinely deserves someone who cares about him. YN did but she was not the right person. Hoon needs a ball buster with a heart of gold. YN had the heart in spades but she didn’t have that pitbull streak that would really be needed to partner with this Hoon.

YN is a genuinely good person and she is strong in so many other ways. Hanging on to her morality and her compassion in that group is not easy feat but she has not bent to considerable pressure (both spoken and unspoken). It makes sense that someone looking to ruin her might need to resort to hiring outside help. Unlike many of the others in her group, she doesn’t have an immediately obvious exploitable weakness. I know she HAS made mistakes before and I fully believe those are going to come back in a big way. The stuff she wrote about Heeseung and the real reason for her fallout from Sunoo…I mean there is obviously something cooking there.

My theories are…that Hoon’s family might have something to do with hiring Jay. They need to secure a connection with YN’s family. It would be smart to have an insurance policy.

But to be more specific… if it is Sujin… Jay is the perfect insurance policy. He just needed Hoon and YN to drift apart, then he takes over the company and uses info from Jay to ensure that YN’s hospitals will be in business with the Hoon family company only if HE is CEO.

I really hope I’m not spelling Sujin’s name wrong. lol. But yeah this series is amazing.

OOH can't wait to see your thoughts on sungjin's motive reveal 🫣🫣 i totally agree with your take on heeseung too !! he's definitely wrapped up in trying to fit in with everyone else when he was once just like jay 🤧 (or, well,, mostly like jay LOL) and hoon def goes about most things the wrong way LMFAO 🤧 but he is genuinely focused on his goals and future !! it's only a matter of time until his family pushes him to a limit tho :(( HAHAH NOT YEONJUNS TWIN SISTER but bro does deserve love 😔 tho i don't think he has the capacity for it rn after how messy it was with mc

hot take i love mc too 🫶🫶 my soft spot for tragic characters and i wrote this story to be teeming with them MUAH and you're so spot on with her because she's got her secrets and hides them WELL 🧎‍♀️ doesn't even let her close friends into her priv because she's actually so reserved for someone who is forced to be a social butterfly

HAHAH *sungjin but you were close and his name only comes up at the top of the screenshot in a handful of chapters anyways !! 😩 and your theories are so intriguing to read 🫣 when we get to the ending im SO looking forward to reading back on these 🥰 also i'm so so glad you like the series 🥹💖 it's always such a joy to read what you have to say !! i hope you're doing well ml and having a great day/night 🫶

[masterwords]

slow motion

Summary: Hotch can't sleep after Foyet's attack no matter what he tries. Derek (and Clooney) have the solution.

Notes: I wrote this as a pinch-hit for a multi-fandom exchange on AO3 back in October and have very (im)patiently waited to share it. Some of you have seen it floating around on anon since mid-November, but tada...it was mine. (Cue both shock and horror...I'm sure NO ONE would have guessed). Anyway. Please indulge me my adoration for Clooney as Hotch's therapy dog, and yes I did give the dog his own backstory.

Pairing: Hotch/Morgan

Warnings: angst/depression, some residual pain from the stabbings and bandage changes

Words: 4.6k

**

His apartment was dark. Even in daylight, he kept it dark. Diffused pale rays crept beneath the drawn shades and pooled on the floor where they landed. They cast no light further than that. He did his best to avoid the way they tried to draw him near, enticing him with their promise of vitamin D.

Instead, he curled up on the couch with a heated blanket and stared with stinging red eyes at the hole in the wall. It wasn't there anymore, not really, but the ghost of it would always be there. Like a glitch in the matrix, he could see it even if it had been fixed.

Fixed. That word implied an awful lot but it backed up very little. His apartment wasn't fixed. The carpet had been patched up, the bloody spot cut and a new piece put in. Hell, maybe the wood beneath had even been scrubbed clean. Good as new. Fixed. The drywall had been sliced open, mudded, masked, painted to match the rest of the wall. Fixed. He had been cleaned out, checked, stitched up, medicated. Fixed.

His phone ringing on its charger barely caught his attention. It was a thick, horrible vibrating sound muffled by the carpet it had fallen into after so many unanswered calls. It could only vibrate so far on a small end table before it toppled over the edge. And there it sat for days, unanswered but fully charged. He sort of hoped that all those old stories about phones on the charger too long exploding might come true but so far no luck. An exploding phone might break up some of the monotony of his sleepless days.

He imagined Cheif Strauss on the other end of the line, asking him questions. Telling him he needed to come in and meet with her before he came back to work. “Under no circumstances are you to just show up,” she would say. He could hear it without having to actually listen. Maybe it would be JJ or Emily or Dave calling to check up on him in their own unique ways. JJ would have a work question to ask him, to draw him out of his shell, something she wouldn't actually need help with at all. Emily would just say something simple. “Glad you're still alive,” maybe. It would be a little sour sounding, but laced with concern because she could never just let herself be seen. And Dave...Dave would wander around a story about something that happened, someone he knew, wax poetic about healing and taking time and friendship, offer up his shoulder to cry on or a bottle of expensive liquor.

Hotch didn't want any of those things.

All he wanted was to sleep. He hadn't slept more than ten minutes at a stretch, by his count, since he got home from the hospital. Jessica had dropped him off, offered to stay and get him settled but he closed that car door and made the best show he could of walking on his own from her little sedan into the apartment building. Once he was sure he was out of her sight, he leaned his shoulder against the wall and slowly pulled himself along fully supported by drywall and beams. His stomach burned, and he collapsed onto his couch the minute his door was locked. Thought for sure he was exhausted enough to pass right out.

He was awake all night. Watched every minute of the night tick by. Agonizingly slow. His eyelids were so heavy and yet nothing he did could keep them closed. Each time he tried there would be a sound...sometimes a real one, outside his door neighbors talking or walking or shutting doors, the water heater or the fridge clicking on and humming. Sometimes he only heard the noises in his head, keys scraping at his door, Jack's little footsteps coming down the hall, Foyet breathing behind the washing machine.

Jessica thought giving him an Ambien would help so she called his doctor and insisted that he wasn't sleeping, that was an easy bottle to get into her hand but it didn't make him sleep it only made him cry. That was worse, so much worse, so that bottle found its way to the medicine cabinet and they went back to ground zero.

“You have to sleep,” she would say, running her fingers through his hair. She would lay beside him with a book or some knitting or watching a quiet movie that would bore them both into dreamland she hoped. “Maybe try a shower?”

He'd already taken two a day. One to wake up in the morning (from what?) and one to wash the feelings off by afternoon. His whole body ached, just a constant dull ache, his belly throbbing...but he was beyond taking the pain medication. It wasn't that bad, it was just part of him. Stiff muscles and joints.

He felt like he'd aged 40 years in the last two weeks.

The phone rang again. And again. It wouldn't quit, so he finally got himself up off of the couch and wandered over with the blanket around his shoulders to where it was nudged into the carpet.

“Derek?” he asked, and realized it had been so long since he'd used his voice that it sounded foreign. Ghostly, withering, raspy.

“Shit, man, I've been calling you for an hour. Where the hell have you been?”

Hotch shuffled back to his nest on the couch and curled himself up around the heating pad he'd abandoned. Its warmth was comforting. “Trying to sleep.” Wasn't a lie. That was all he did anymore.

“Sorry to wake you,” came Derek's voice, and he did sound apologetic. Hotch groaned.

“I said trying to sleep, not sleeping. What can I do for you?”

And that was how he was talked into house sitting for Derek. Not just house sitting, but dog sitting. He had no real experience with dogs, or pets in general, he'd never had one. As a kid his father simply wouldn't allow it, not another mouth to feed. And as an adult, he didn't have the time. Wasn't home enough. Haley didn't want to clean up the fur. Telling Derek all of that didn't seem to matter, he'd already made up his mind. Hotch was the person for the job.

“We're short without you and Reid, so Garcia's coming with us...she's my usual sitter. You're all I got, man. Please?”

He knew Derek had friends who would do it. He could have Clooney boarded at a fancy dog hotel or something. Hotch knew damn well he wasn't Derek's last hope...there were ulterior motives. But being out of his apartment didn't sound so bad. One day, two weeks, didn't really matter. He had nothing on his calendar but doctor's appointments and physical therapy.

(x)

“Clooney, Aaron...Aaron, Clooney.”

“We've met...” Hotch said quietly, standing with his go bag at his feet just inside Derek's front door. He'd moved inside just far enough that his back was to the wall, so Derek could close the door maybe, so he wouldn't be surprised by something over his shoulder maybe. The paranoia was new, and he hoped it would fade out faster in this new house where the shadows hadn't moved of their own volition. Where Foyet hadn't materialized from the inky black into a living breathing demon with his biting knife and his prickly minty breath. The smell of toothpaste made him gag.

“I know, but it's been a while...thought I should reacquaint you. He doesn't like when I'm impolite.”

Hotch raised an eyebrow at the peculiar way Derek was behaving, but when Derek made no attempt to explain it away he let it go. Everyone would have trouble being around him for a while now, maybe. After seeing him in that hospital bed barely breathing, crying, unable to do a single thing for himself for nearly two weeks...he couldn't blame them. It was throwing him for a loop too.

“You can sleep in my bed,” Derek offered, grabbing Hotch's go bag and indicating for him to follow. “That way you don't have to go up and down the stairs. How are you feeling anyway?”

Hotch shrugged. “Better. Good days and bad days.”

Derek thought he'd have something smart to say about it. Just takes time, or some bullshit like that, but he couldn't throw those platitudes at Hotch like that. He cared too deeply for him. Instead, he just set the go bag on his bed and offered him a smile. “Hopefully we won't be gone too long. I'd give you the whole walk through but I gotta be at the jet in twenty minutes so I gotta run. You need anything?”

“Derek,” he said quietly, his eyes trained on the open window that he would soon close. The breeze it let in was crisp and scented with the change of summer to fall but it left him feeling exposed and wary. “I've been here before. I know my way around.”

“I know. I know it's just...”

Hotch didn't have the patience to talk around and around this, he wanted to just come out with it. But Derek had to leave and what would he even say? He was already going to be late, no way he'd make it to the jet in twenty minutes and that time was ticking away as they stood. “We can talk when you get back.”

A smile. Derek smiled and nodded, a look of relief crossing his features. “Yeah. We should do that.” Truthfully, that's all he'd been waiting for. Hotch to want to talk to him. To find out where the hell they were right now, because since Foyet's attack Hotch had been a ghost. Turning away when he should have come close. Derek's olive branch was, he hoped, paying off. “Call if you need anything.”

Derek's house hadn't changed even a little since the last night he'd spent there. He didn't do it often, they really just stuck to hotel rooms, it was easier that way. They could both walk away. It wasn't one walking away from the other, it was shutting that door behind them and walking to separate cars in the same parking lot. It felt like an even playing field.

That was a carefully constructed and deeply dangerous lie though. Because as much as they wanted to claim it wasn't so, this wasn't just something casual. Maybe it didn't have a name yet, but it wasn't casual. And that came with so much extra weight...Jack and Haley, for starters. And then the job. Really, Hotch just knew he came with too much baggage. He couldn't put that on Derek, so he didn't offer. And Derek didn't ask.

Each just assumed that when the time was right, they would know.

Or not. It was casual, remember? At least they thought it was.

But nights like the one almost two weeks ago, when the jet landed at the air strip after a long few grueling days in Canada and Detroit, all they could think about was relief. Release. It was Hotch's turn to be at Derek's, in their casual way of managing that even playing ground idea. Derek wanted a shower, Hotch had a few files to take care of before he could be done, files he simply couldn't take care of in the morning...it had to be done while the horror was still fresh in his mind, shivering beneath his skin.

Coming home to change out of his suit had changed the course of everything. Since then, Hotch just couldn't seem to figure out what to do about it. The stricken look on Derek's face when they all showed up at his bed side was burned in his memory, and the way he flew out the door like the devil himself was nipping at his heels just to ensure Jack and Haley were safe, even in the strange fluid world of morphine he felt how big it really was. So big it forced them apart for nearly two weeks, he guessed.

So now it was just he and Clooney, the dog's tail whacking the floor in a rhythm that sounded vaguely familiar. It was the same rhythm his heart was beating. Thump, thump, thud. “Wanna go outside?” Hotch asked, already feeling like getting out of the bedroom, away from the window once it was closed and locked. The backyard was like a fortress, tall wooden fence and tree lined, a sea of emerald green he could sink his bare feet into and wander through while Clooney sniffed out the best places to relieve himself. On more than one occasion, late nights with loud drunken stage whispers, he'd watched Derek relieve himself in many of the same spots. He never had the courage to cross that line, always kept himself in good enough condition to meander to the bathroom.

Three days without sleep, by his calculations. He stumbled on the steps, lost his footing briefly while he considered the ways his body was shutting itself down one system at a time. Three entire days, not even ten minutes, and as soon as the sun began to sink behind the horizon and pink showered the yard he felt it in his bones. Clooney stared up at him expectantly while he stood there with the tennis ball, wet from fetch after fetch, staring at the color shifting clouds. Clooney barked, snapping him out of his daze. Quietly he apologized and tossed the ball across the yard again, he couldn't count how many times he'd done it. “I think I'm ready for bed buddy, you?”

In truth, he was way overdue for bed. There was a phone call with Jessica to contend with before he could lay his head down though. While he assured her quietly that he was fine, that she was welcome to come by and see for herself in the morning if she didn't believe him, he rifled through his go bag to try and find something to sleep in. If he was the type to curse, he would have uttered an entire string of unpleasant words, enough to make a sailor blush. Instead, he just sighed wearily, too tired to come up with even one solid thought that would help. His go bag had only the clothes he hadn't washed yet from Canada...things had happened between then and now that had stripped his normal laundry routine. It was understandable but frustrating.

“Clooney,” he said, patting the bed beside him once he'd finished with Jessica's inquisition. “You think Derek would mind if I borrowed something to sleep in?”

Clooney's silence was all he needed to proceed. The way the dog cocked his head at the side and thumped his tail against the floor made him feel better about poking around in Derek's drawers until he found a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. The goosebumps on his bare arms and the sight of the slashed scars they flushed up around drew him back to the clothes until he unearthed a raggedy old sweatshirt from the bottom of the drawer. Derek's work clothes, the ones he saved for the messy jobs. He hooked a Northwestern Law sweatshirt that had seen better days and dragged it over his head without hesitation. The cuffs were ragged and stringy, there were worn spots at the elbows and a few places that paint had dried on the hood but it was comfortable and warm and put an extra layer between his too sensitive still healing wounds and the open air. And his sight. He hugged his arms over his chest and walked toward the bed, wondering whether he'd locked all of the doors.

He had.

He checked again. And again. And then he decided to sleep on the couch, just to be right in the middle of everything. Clooney started on the floor right beside him, curled up quietly on the rug while he shifted around to get himself comfortable. Derek's couch was nice, he was no stranger to passing out here, he just had to find a position to accommodate the new aches and pains his body was endowed with.

And when he woke in the morning, woke up after a full night of sleep, Clooney was stretched out behind his legs, his snout on Hotch's thigh, long legs kicked out all over the place. He had no idea when the dog had come, but he showed no signs of moving, and Hotch was slow to realize that he'd closed his eyes and opened them hours later. A whole night passed without him being awake to watch it. He didn't exactly feel like a new person, necessarily, but he felt different. His stomach still boiled from the inside but his eyes didn't burn, he didn't feel half-alive.

Reaching up with one slow hand, he patted Clooney on the head and scratched behind his ear. The dog moved a little, shifted and pressed into the pat, and not ten minutes later Hotch was asleep again without even trying. It just happened.

He slept most of the day like a rock, waking only long enough to take Clooney outside and have a glass of water so he could take his new pile of medication. Jessica would come over in the evening to check on his bandages and count out his pills, make sure he was taking care of himself. She'd already lost her sister and her nephew to WITSEC, she had nothing left but Hotch and his stubborn unwillingness to do what was best for himself. It had been hard at first, but they'd found some kind of common ground, some middle place where she could meddle and he wouldn't argue.

What she found, though, shocked her. He sat, achy in Derek's clothes, half awake while she changed the bandages that needed it. A thing he really could have done himself, but she insisted. Only a few wounds left that were still weeping, refusing to close up tight. They'd packed them with gauze, the deepest ones, and now they were nearly there. The worst of it was over, she told herself while slathering them in ointments and covering them back up. He wouldn't look, refused to. He didn't have to. “They look good,” she whispered, patting them gently once she pulled the shirt back down. “Really good. So do you...you look like you actually slept.”

“I did.”

She didn't ask how, like in some strange way asking how it happened might ruin the magic. She just accepted it instead. He slept. It was another step forward, finally. Forward meant back to work, back to life, finding Foyet, getting her sister and her nephew back. “How long will you be here?”

“Until they get back, I suppose.”

She hummed and nodded, patting Clooney on the head absentmindedly. The dog hadn't left Hotch's side since she'd arrived, just sat leaning hard against his legs while she worked, while they visited. Watching her. She didn't say what was on her mind, that she was glad he was here, that she hoped he'd stay a while. That they'd find a way to work out what they needed to.

Derek was gone four days in total, and came home to Hotch still wearing his clothes but he'd moved to the bed after the first night. He spent more of his time sleeping than awake, setting his alarms regularly to take meds and even venturing out once a day to take Clooney on a real walk. It wasn't far, he couldn't do as much as he'd like yet, but every day seemed to at least be a slight improvement. The ache would stick around a while, he knew, but he was getting stronger at least. Those years he felt he'd aged were slowly dropping off.

More than once he'd even eaten. Not a lot, but Derek had done a little shopping for him he'd found. Another sign, he guessed, that Derek had been planning this rather than it being an emergency. There were bananas on the counter, tomatoes in a basket and whole wheat bread in the bread box. In the fridge he found a six pack of Deschutes Black Butte Porter in bottles beside Derek's Stella Artois. Hotch's favorite beer while he lived in Seattle, you couldn't get it here without a considerable drive or making friends with people who could ship it. That it sat in Derek's fridge now, those beautiful dark bottles gleaming in the sharp fridge light, told him more than he would ever hear out of Derek's mouth. He would wait until Derek was home to drink one, though. They could sit together on the couch, a little too close, and maybe they'd talk or maybe they wouldn't but he figured he'd lean his head against Derek's shoulder and that might be enough to fix what had been broken without searching for words. Neither of them were much good at that part anyway.

When Derek walked in to the quiet house in the middle of the day, he was a little confused. The leash was on the table, Hotch's breakfast dishes still in the sink with a mug of half finished coffee on the counter. He hadn't bothered to call or text first, kind of wanted to surprise them but when Clooney didn't greet him at the front door he was more than a little concerned. Clooney always met him at the door.

The reason, it turned out, was nothing more sinister than Hotch having the bedroom door closed. They were napping, he found when he peeked inside as quietly as he could. Clooney's head rose from where he lay curled up beside Hotch's legs on the bed and then a lazy thump thump thud of his tail followed. But he didn't move.

“You're not supposed to be on the bed...” Derek whispered, tossing his go bag to the floor beside his dresser and entering the room as quietly as he could. Hotch still looked fast asleep, and like he'd been there all day. Maybe all week.

“Derek?” Hotch's voice was groggy, still thick with sleep and muffled by the pillow in his face. He didn't even open his eyes. Derek smiled as he moved closer, sat down on the very edge of the bed so he could hear Hotch's paper thin voice.

“Yeah, it's just me...we got in about two hours ago. Finished up some paperwork and got here quick as I could...you guys seem like you did okay this week huh?”

Hotch hummed and shifted a little stiff beneath the covers. Derek caught a glimpse of what he was wearing and his smile widened, softened. Hotch hadn't taken the sweatshirt off at all except to shower, and Derek knew there was a very real chance he might not give it back. He wouldn't mind so much.

Slowly, not exactly hesitant but something close to it, Hotch's hand slipped from beneath the blankets to Derek's leg and he let it rest there a moment. Taking his lead, Derek followed by resting his own hand on top of Hotch's.

“You sound tired. Lay down with us.”

That was the first time Hotch had ever asked Derek to do something so intimate. Something that didn't involve blowing off steam. At least not while sober. When he'd been drinking all bets were off, he turned into a koala and you couldn't break free of his need for being close. His eyes drifted shut again and he moved until there was room for Derek beside him, until he was sandwiched between Derek and the dog that absolutely refused to be kicked out of his rightful spot. Careful not to touch where he shouldn't, where it might hurt, Derek lay down. A little stiff, a little nervous, he wasn't sure what to do until Hotch reached for his hand and pulled it around his waist, pressed his palm flat against the still aching wounds. “You won't hurt me.”

“It's not...I just...” Derek stammered, not prepared for this reception. All the things he'd been prepared for when he got back, this hadn't even registered as a possibility. Clooney let out a huffing noise and shifted, snorted his disgust for the disturbance. Hotch hummed. Like they were both protesting the noise that was interrupting their precious nap time.

“Talk later.”

“Yo. Officer Clooney, get off of this bed...you're taking up the whole damn thing.” He swatted half-heartedly at the dog who only shifted again until he'd made them more room, put space between he and Derek at least, letting them both scoot closer to the middle of the bed. Hotch made a curious noise in the back of his throat.

“Officer?” he asked quietly, already half asleep again.

“Yeah, I didn't tell you? He's a retired K-9 from Chicago P.D.” Derek smiled to himself, remembering that phone call like it was yesterday. He didn't even want a pet, he wasn't home enough to keep one, but he was lonely. It sort of just fell into his lap.

“They have this dog,” Frain had said, pulling the lid off of her pot of chili. He thought he could smell it through the phone. She had company coming by soon, she was in a hurry and the conversation went fast. “He's barely two years old, well-trained, gorgeous German Shepherd but he took a bullet in the back hip some time ago and he's not able to perform the way they need him to. They tried, they really did, but they said it isn't safe to put him out in the field...the guys were wondering if anyone in the family might want to adopt him and I might have volunteered you...”

“Mama,” Derek whined, but was a little excited in spite of the weak protest. “You know I'm not home enough to have a dog.” He'd make it work, though. She knew it. That's why she already had the dog in her house waiting for him. She just knew. Mother's intuition, she'd called it. He called it meddling. But he drove to Chicago and he picked up Officer Clooney and they drove back to DC, just the two of them. Instant best friends.

“Dumbass got himself shot in the leg when he was in training...they had to retire him early and here he is. Taking up too damn much space on my bed. I told you he's not allowed on the bed right? If you're gonna stay over, we have rules in this house...”

“Mmm...I think it's his bed. He just lets you sleep in it.” Hotch smiled and reached out with his free hand to pat Clooney. Officer Clooney. No wonder he'd felt comfortable enough to sleep for the first time in days, he had his own personal police detail and he hadn't even realized it.

Derek had, though. He knew what he was doing. Hotch wasn't sleeping for every perfectly good reason under the sun, but Derek had an answer for every one of them. As he dared to press his nose into the warm crook of Hotch's neck and close his eyes, he wondered if they even had anything they needed to talk about when they woke. It seemed pretty settled to him.

[devoteyrheart]

Ilse:

Why did she decide to join the scouts?

What was she like during her cadet days? Did she cherish them? Or was she glad when it ended?

Did she have a lot of friends or was she more of an outcast?

When she joined the scouts what made her stick around?

How old is the journal that she carries around? Does it have old entries from her childhood or is it specifically for what she experiences as a scout?

Does she prefer animals over other people? If so why ?

 hahah. fuck. you're going to regret this. thank you for asking this im going to go unhinged    

Why did she decide to join the scouts? + When she joined the scouts what made her stick around?

Ilse's brain is wired to focus on the present/immediate action rather than thinking ahead so her decision + motivations  to join the scouts felt a bit conflicting at first. But there was also a connotation of hope and tenacity in it - both very much her brand.  During her younger days, she occasionally pondered the illogical nature of the sudden appearance of titans plaguing the world and the construction of protective walls... But she had absolutely no reason to dwell on it. Whenever she stated musing about it her parents/siblings would be like “tf? u have too much free time clearly go check on the vegetable garden or babysit”. As she got older joining the scouts crossed her mind but she dismissed it. Why the hell would she do that? When there’s so much to do exactly where she is? Focus on the problems inside the walls, and then focus on the outside - this is how she thought for a long time (lets remember that she was a child/teen, so this thinking was heavily influenced by her family).  One day the hospital where she and her mother worked at got an emergency influx of wounded scouts and Ilse realized she doesn’t want to be part of the aftermath, she doesn’t want to be passive, she doesn’t want to just fix - she wants to prevent having to fix anything in the first place. Every path she considered seemed like putting band-aids on larger issues. The scouts presented a different perspective. By joining them, she could truly maybe have an active role in helping understand the titans, explore the outside world, and contribute to finding long-term solutions. Ilse recognized that the walls wouldn't contain the population forever, and eventually, they might face a crisis with limited resources and potential titan breaches. The scouts offered the opportunity to gain crucial knowledge about their surroundings and the enigmatic threats they faced.  Also. sigh. She's devoted and committed. She likes the comradery. She likes to belong. She likes to feel like she's useful and has a purpose bigger than herself. She likes the team-work. She likes that the scouts aren't super humogen and most people have quirks and come from different walks of life.

What was she like during her cadet days? Did she cherish them? Or was she glad when it ended?

As a cadet, Ilse was responsible and eager to learn, and she was always willing to help others whenever needed (unless you pissed her off or did something highly unfair or immoral - she doesn't forgive and forget easily). In her first year she was more composed and stuck to the rules, learning the way of things (lets remember she came from a small town and she didn't know anyone who was in the military, she didn't grow up with very strict rules, so it was a whole new world to her), but once she figured out how things worked she'd occasionally  break or bend the rules because life is to be lived. tldr: she cared about having good results, she cared about the good results of the whole class, but she also cared about enjoying herself.  Ilse views her years as a cadet as just a stage of her life and she doesn’t dwell on them too much. She lived them to their fullest, has no regrets about them, gave them her all, was always genuine and earnest and dedicated… and that’s it. She does cherish most memories and friendships she made during those years, and how much she grew as a person.

Did she have a lot of friends or was she more of an outcast?

She's social but not boisterous about it. It comes very naturally to her to meet people and befriend them. Still - she doesn’t have a lot of close friends, and she’s very private about sharing things about her personal life. She’s the type of person you spend 5h talking to and after she leaves you are left with a great feeling and then it hits you that wait, she didn’t actually share anything about herself???.  She’s v big on being polite / befriending ‘lower staff’ (cleaners, secretaries, maids, etc) and she gets word of a lot of shit before other people do because of this. 

How old is the journal that she carries around? Does it have old entries from her childhood or is it specifically for what she experiences as a scout?

boy. this will be a potential controversial hc lmfao my ilse isn’t one to reminisce. her parents encouraged her to keep a diary, just like they encouraged all of their kids, but ilse never felt the need to write a lot? she always preferred to experience things and then let them go, not look back on things a lot, she’s always been quite well resolved in her head so she never felt the need to write her feelings/thoughts down etc etc. she was more likely to keep keepsakes and keep them in a box somewhere.  also #1, my ilse spent a lot of time during her early years on/off bedridden and she adamantly refused to wallow in self-pity by documenting her struggles in a diary for posterity. she knew how she felt about it, and revisiting those memories held no appeal for her; also #2, from a very young age she has loved writing letters, so a lot of her feelings / thoughts were already in writing and delivered to the appropriate people. It wasn't until her cadet years that Ilse started keeping a diary, primarily as a means of documenting essential and relevant information, no matter how trivial it may have seemed. She recorded names, positions, and other details of those around her, especially during expeditions, which she participated in extensively. Originally tasked with relaying messages, scouting, and liaising between flanks, she found it useful to keep track of these activities in her diary. Over time, she began incorporating her personal observations and feelings into the entries, meticulously describing each expedition (like, METICULOUSLY: weather, terrain, morale, and encounters with Titans, etc). Some months after the end of each expedition she would revisit the diary of the expedition, reflecting on her experiences with fresh-eyes.  She had a different notebook where she wrote the names of fallen comrades, the date they died in (as accurately as possible), and something she knew or liked about them. for “example x,  ## - enjoyed watching sunsets by himself”. in an au where she survives the 34th, she’s beyond upset over having lost that notebook. she feels like clawing at her face whenever she remembers she no longer has it. It's not a rational thing by any means, but losing that notebook felt like failing her fallen comrades. She definitely had at least one moment where she went absolutely nuts picked up a random notebook and started trying to write every single name and detail that was present in her fallen comrades notebook, and probably ended up just sobbing to exhaustion and passing out. The diary that Hange and Levi stumbled upon was not originally hers; it was an empty notebook that Ilse repurposed it as her personal diary because her own diary got lost during the chaos of the 34th's events. i’m sorry if this disappoints but keeping track of her belongings was NOT a priority at that moment lmfao. Ilse's decision to write the 34th diary was not driven by the need to maintain her sanity or vent her emotions. Instead, she wrote it with unyielding hope and devotion, believing that someday someone would come across it and learn about the 34th, and her encounter with a talking Titan. You could pry ilse’s hope and devotion from her cold dead hands, she kept that shit until the very end, and even when she knew for sure she was about to die she was still like “life is very beautiful and i’m glad i was here.” Some would think it makes no sense but the truth is that becoming a scout only mad Ilse be more in love with being alive no matter how painful it was at times. But I digress.  The 34th diary opens with an estimated date of what day it is, the names of everyone she could remember (give her a break, she had a concussion) that participated, she detailed everything she remembered, and then she detailed her day-to-day and her encounters with the talking titan as best as she could. In the second to last entry she mentions her family, a glimpse of the personal side behind the resolute soldier and a reminder of her deep emotional connections beyond her duty.

Does she prefer animals over other people? If so why ?

nope. she’s a people person. she loves animals too, but she can’t have a dinner party or go to a bar or have board game night with them lmfao

[kaatiba]

i had an accident and ended up with three tears in my knee, a lot of pain, a lot of stress, and a lot of insurance paperwork. but i also got a stranger on the bus calling an ambulance for me when she realized i was in too much pain to tell the driver i needed one. i had another stranger tell me to 'hang in there' as they got off my stalled bus to take another one home. the EMT told me she used to do ballet and she knew how much pain i was in and that she would advocate for me as hard as she could so that, at the hospital, i wouldn't have to prove that i couldn't move myself from the gurney and into a wheelchair. the nurse got me a blanket to cover up my bared leg, after he cut my pants to be able to examine my leg, because i'm muslim and he wanted to make me feel a tiny bit better in this small way. my doctor told me her son had an accident on the bus for the same reason i did, just to make me feel less alone, before diving into helping me. my four year old niece asks me every morning if my leg is ok and touches it very gently. my parents drive me to every appointment they canso i don't have to pay for an uber. my overseas friend messaged her friend—a med student in a different country from both of us—for what i might have to look forward to when it comes to healing, because i havent gotten medical advice on that yet, and knowing more makes me feel less anxious and out of control. the med student replied, and offered to help me decode my MRI results if i need to.

everyone is so so kind. im so glad i noticed this.

[heavyhitterheaux]

REE!! Just read already best friends it took my ass all day!! But I wanted to be comfortable in bed when I read it 😭 UGHH I FUCKING LOVED IT. That so called “best friend” (fake jealous ass bitch) NEEDS HER ASS BEAT, WHOOPED, DRAGGED!! ALL OF THE FUCKING ABOVE

I’m gonna put some of my favorite things from the fic below:

Visit you at work and photoshop you in compromising pictures with different men to make it seem as if you were doing more than just giving them dances and sent it to Jack through a text message. This is really another level of miserable 😐

amila- Jack it’s Camila, I hate to be the one to tell you this. But Y/N isn’t as innocent as she seems. I don’t want for her to string you along anymore seeing as it’s been almost eight months. I’m actually surprised that she kept it up for this long. She does more than dance for people, she sleeps with them. She’s been lying to you. I’m sorry. This whole thing just REALLLYYYY PISSED ME OFF!! 🔪

Jack- Y/N, I didn’t want to do this over a text but, I have a lot of things going on and I feel as though we need to take a break from our relationship for a while. “I didn’t want to do this over text” THEN DONT!! BE A MAN AND FACE HER 🙄

And to think you told your mom and grandmother about him. SHE TOLD THE GRANDMA BROOO 😭 and he broke up with her OVER TEXT!!

And that he wanted to bring you to Kentucky to spend Thanksgiving with his family. AND YOU THE TYPA GIRL I WANNA BRING TO THANKSGIVING!!

“I love you, Mila. Thank you for being the one person that I can always count on.” THE IRONYYYY. Like she’s telling this evil ass bitch she lovers her & don’t even know what this hoe did!!

“Of course, baby girl. I am always going to be here for you. Until the end of time and even after that. All we need is each other.” And here comes her fake ass response, like bitch NO U NEED HER 🖕🏽

“But you really liked him and I was excited to meet him so he better get his shit together and make me a great grandmother.” Nana’s in the hospital bed preaching 😭

“Girl, please. You know you want him and only him. I’ll stop picking with you for now, but do me a favor and drop his address when I get out of rehab. Nana will set him straight.” Someone please tell me, where I go or what I gotta do to get a Nana like this 💀 I feel like this would be @hoodharlow as a grandma, DONT MESS WIT HER FAMILY 😭 or you will be catching them hands.

“I deserved to have that relationship, not her.” BITCH U DIDNT EVEN WANT HIM!! YOU WANTED THAT LIGHT SKIN BIG HEADED ASS HOE DRAKE 😐

I’m not holding on for a got damn thing. Get your shit out of my apartment and you better not come back. I… consider this friendship over with. Who knew you were a jealous ass bitch. Oh, and find another person to get you to help pay for your tuition next semester, I’m done. FIRST OFF, YN told this bitch the fuck off. AS SHE MOTHAFUCKIN SHOULD!! But what gets me is SHE WAS HELPING THIS FAKE WACK ASS HOE WITH HER TUITION?! AND THAT’S HOW SHE WANNA DO HER🤨 ANDDDD I STILL THINK SHE SHOULDA GOT HER ASS BEAT THE FUCK UP 🗣️

jackharlow: the baddest to ever do it. first black principal dancer of americanballettheater that's my wife yall 😍 YALL SEE THAT!! BLACK PUSSY POWER AT ITS FINEST!! Babygirl is married ANDDDD got her dream job 😘

lilnasx: jackharlow I'm spoken for. he better download a dating app. This….this just killed me 💀

REE YOU ALWAYS FUCKIN EATTTT, IM SO GLAD I WAITED TO READ THIS ���🏽😭

I FUCKING LIVE FOR YOUR REACTIONS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

YES TO ALL OF THIS AND THANK YOUUUU MAMAS 🥺

Jackman was wrong for not letting her explain

Don't even get me started on Camila

Yess Nana gives me Blanca vibes because I know she doesn’t play about the people she cares about

And Camila wanted Drake's ass not Jack

When she saw how her "bestie" was happy she was like where is my boo at? She doesn't deserve him

WHEN SHE DID DESERVE HIM

And yesss the ultimate form of black girl magic! Jack made sure to help her dream come true 😭😭

Druski and Nas always be going at it and don't know how to act lmaooooo

Who knows, I might do another insta au that shows married life for them and her thriving being the badass she is 😌💕

[what-if-nct]

hi hi today's reminder is… heavy. i think I might be heading very towards burnout but I don't think there's anything I can take off my plate. when my mom got sick, my manager kind of took me off work for a bit but now it's picking back up because, yknow, it's a job and I'm glad they were considerate enough to basically give me three months off, but I can't expect that forever. and so work is a lot and both my teammates are out of town so it falls on me but I can't complain about it being unfair because they did all my work while I was running around hospitals with my mom. and the second i come back home, I'm on nurse duty because we're all exhausted and cancer is awful even on the good days. it's physically exhausting to help her with everything: she can't get stuff for herself, she gets tired eating most days so I have to feed her, i have to support her whenever she walks or even sits up, i have to cook and clean and help her change and give her messages every night because everything hurts, i have to keep track of meds and symptoms and chemo doses and who do I have to cover for today because everyone's exhausted but all of this needs to be done. and again: i can't complain. she's going through something unimaginably difficult. i have to hold her when she cries even though I'm barely hanging in there emotionally. i can't go out on weekends because then I'm "out" working on weekdays and that apparently is time off. I've taken to lying to my family and telling them I'm at work and going to my boyfriend's once a week just to have some time where I'm wanted, not needed. a couple weeks ago we were cuddling and he told me he was proud of how I'm dealing with all this and i cried for about fifteen minutes straight. today he made me lunch and he bought me cheesecake and we watched an old movie together and I had such a nice day until the second i stepped on the train to go home and it hit me how much I dreaded the thought of being at home. every night I stay up til like 3 because if I don't get those few hours of alone time, i don't think I can make it through this, even if I still have to wake up early and go to work on four hours of sleep.

and. i knew this would be difficult. i knew this was never going to be easy. but I'm just so drained and I'm having to dig so deep to find my empathy and i feel like a horrible person. i just want to get away from it all, and i know how selfish that would be, but I just want to go away and not be needed for a few days. to just be taken care of, for more than a few hours once a week.

Honey, When I say I know where you're coming from. I completely know where you're coming from. And I want to tell you that it is amazing that you do everything you do. It isn't easy, it's quite possibly the most difficult moment of your life. And I'm happy you do get those hours of solace you need to recooperate, cause it's so important. And I understand it's a time in your life where it's how much bending is it going to take before you break. Because you are only human and you should not feel bad about wanting to get away from it all to have time just for yourself. It's a normal feeling.

When taking care of others you put yourself on the back burner but your own responsibilities just catch up and your burning the candle at both ends and it's overwhelming. You're not selfish. You're human. I know I share my own experiences a lot but it's just my way of relating so I'll keep it short. So about five years ago my aunt had her legs amputatated and because im the only woman in the house and I'm the youngest it fell on my shoulders to take care of her. She only has a son. Only I can bathe and change her. I couldn't leave the house except after she slept and right now i can only get a couple of hours out of a day to do what i need.

But in the beginning I had to do everything on top of cleaning the house and laundry and cooking. I was only used to cleaning after myself, I can barely feed myself. I had no time to do anything for myself. It got to the point I would do anything and everything to get away from the house, things I'm not proud of but it was still better than being home and I lied so much. I hated my life so much I had no time for myself I grew to never want children cause after she goes to a facility I'm not taking care of anyone but myself. And now that I'm 30 I do genuinely feel like I wasted my 20s taking care of her. Now, it's not as bad I have more free time but I know the beginning is so hard, it's really hard.

I want you to know you are not alone in what you're feeling, you're not selfish for wanting to get away. And I can't really provide any solutions at this time, when I figure it out I'll tell you. But I can say that you are strong, so loving because it takes a lot of love to do what you're doing. And it may not seem like it but eventually things will get better. You're mom will beat this and be strong and healthy and you both will be able to live life to the fullest together. But in the meantime be kind to yourself, give yourself the grace of being human, take advantage of all the free time and love and care you can with your boyfriend and don't feel guilty about it. It's something you need. And I send you the biggest hug ever. It will get better okay. Trust me it will. I send you so much love, support and encouragement 🌸🩷🩷🌸🌸🩷🩷🌸

[trashcankitty12]

My post last night might have been a fluke. My Original Work is done for the moment. That's true. But my focus may not be entirely on writing for a while... Trigger Warning/Content Warning for an upsetting topic involving hospice care and the end of life.

Today my family got confirmation about something we already knew was coming but had hoped wasn't true. You know that feeling where you know what's going on but you still hope that you're wrong? That was us.

My grandfather... The man who raised me and was a dad to me. The ONLY man who was ever there for me everytime I needed him... Is dying.

We knew it was coming. He'd gotten to a point where he could no longer walk and we were having to wheel him around. (His arms weren't strong enough for him to move himself.)

His ability to talk and recognize people was declining. His control over himself was going.

We recently had to even get a hospital bed for him to be brought into our home because of his needs. (Not an actual one but one made for homes. I don't know what they're called I honestly don't have the bandwidth to look it up.)

Today we got managed to get hospice. And they confirmed it all. His body is starting to shut down. Its all about comfort and stability now. (While also letting nature do its thing. But no need for him to be in pain.)

I hate it.

I... I hate that I'm losing one of the few people who ever gave a damn about me from the beginning. That I'm losing one of the only reliable people in my life.

I hate that there's nothing I can do to fix this. Because I'm a fixer person. I want to fix things. But you can't fix this.

Im also... Relieved. Im glad we know what's going on for sure. Im glad we have help. And I'm glad we can do this without him being in pain as we go through the days.

I dont want him to suffer. I don't want him to be in pain. But I'm human and selfish and I still want my dad. You know?

My grandma and I are trying to stay strong. We're doing our best and trying to keep the rest of the family from going off the deep end.

And we're trying to keep each other together.

I know many relationships that started from their time period weren't healthy or on equal footing, but my grandma will tell you outright how much she loved him. How she'd have never married if she hadn't met him. They've been together about 65 years now. Isn't that incredible? He always said she was the best thing to happen to him.

And through all of this? She's the one he reacts to the most. She's the one who can calm him down and make him relax.

He was so many things to so many people. And he still is. He's just... Retiring i suppose is a good word.

I chose these photos of him. These are from when he was a bit more himself. From the past two years. (Yes I know I look ridiculous but I'm not the important one.)

So... This is a life update. A message to my void of people who want to know why certain things seem to be taking so long or why I'm more active some days than others. Or why I reblog more than i make my own content.

My brain is on survival mode essentially. Im going through the motions to try and make the family more okay.

Yes I'm aware ill probably break at some point. But thats for Future Me to deal with. Current Me is just trying to make sure he feels we're going to be okay without him, even if we're going to miss him like crazy. Because our hospice nurse told us some people hold on longer than they should if they're afraid of their loved ones not being okay in the aftermath and I dont want him to feel like he has to push himself for me. I want him to be at peace and to be happy and painfree.

Say a prayer or send vibes or whatever you do for my family please. This is going to be rough.

[jeysbvck]

omg Shan I saw the thing you reposted about spilling tea and do I HAVE SOME FOR YOU.

Okay get this shit, pardon my language.

tw; mentions of abuse, white supremacy.

My half-sister, who I grew up with despite the 17-year age gap, loved the music and movies she shared with me, and was really close despite her disliking me when I was a baby. She met some dude, looked twice her age, and not in a good way if ya feel me.

Turned out this dude ended up being a white supremacist, all of his tattoos are cover-ups of the nasty shit he was into, hated him for that immediately. Had a weird vibe from the get-go, but I'm the younger sister so who cares what *I* say, right? Told my sis I didn't really like the way he made me feel, just gave me off vibes, she ignored it, married the idiot, had 2 kids with him, and LO AND BEHOLD, HE IS ABUSIVE AS WELL. Not just to her, but the kids, too! Huh.

About a year ago, she ends up in the hospital for an "incident" involving him, my mom wanted me to use my personal money to help her, but she ended up going back to him.

Cut to today at almost 10am, I get a message from my nephew who has decided to ask me to text his mom because she's been SOBBING all day? Why, you ask? The bastard got his karma and is serving 2 years in prison for the "incident", and 3 years parole.

GUESS THAT SUCKS, BUD. Karma is a bitch and he's lucky he only got 2 years.

There's the tea, hope you enjoyed this great karma story with me

oh wow! thats a wild ride!! im so sorry your sister went through that, and im so sorry you weren't listened to! people need to realise that young people still see/hear things that are going on, it's always "trust ur gut" unless you're young & suddenly it's "u don't know what ur talking about" 🙄🙄

taylor swift said it best "when you're young they assume you know nothing." and it's the most annoying, stressful thing ever!

BUT, i am glad that he got what we deserved, or at least, some of what he deserved!!!

[atangledfate]

It was later that night, when the wildcat finally texted the lemur back. With her Sonar wrapped around her, with a dumb smile on her face, it was only the light of her phone that illuminated her face.

She kind of didn't know what to say...? 'Cause, well, here was Carol being this mopey dopey idiot for the past couple of days, and yet, Tangie never really faltered as far as making sure she was okay was concerned. It felt really nice, stupidly nice, to have someone like that on her side. She was so incredibly thankful.

And in some ways she was also thankful for Surge but like, that wasn't who she was texting here.

Her thumbs lingered on the phone's keyboard. Should it be simple? Or long? Or maybe she should just pour out everything she's feeling?

Maybe just, speak from the heart...?

Gah. This was stupid. Spending so much time thinking of a message to write. Damn it all.

She shook her head. Just write. Like she always does. No need to overthink any of this.

wildcatofgreen: hey tangie wildcatofgreen: idk if youre even up rn lmao wildcatofgreen: but like wildcatofgreen: thanks? wildcatofgreen: for everythin wildcatofgreen: i cant thank ya enough tbh you fuckin helped me out SO MUCH wildcatofgreen: like im def holdin up my end of the bargin free ice cream is on me when i come visit again wildcatofgreen: and theres no way i aint visitin soon i GOTTA see how my bestie's doin girl wildcatofgreen: maybe take some of your uncle's food im sure his cookin is amazin LMAO wildcatofgreen: but yeah i appreciate it a lot wildcatofgreen: and trust me id do the same for you if some crazy shit like this happened

She tapped her chin for a moment, losing her momentum.

wildcatofgreen: but uh yeah lol ty tangie wildcatofgreen: ill ttyl kk? its gonna be a party when i get down there girl you already KNOW x3 wildcatofgreen: think im gonna sleep now tho talk to ya in the morn wildcatofgreen: <3

Yeah. Yeah that works.

She put her phone to sleep, then cuddled up to her Sony once more. And like this, it didn't take long for her to just completely drift away.

She was sprawled out on the futon in the living room, snoring softly phone clutched in one hand and arm laid across her face, the covers half off of her and her tail stretched over by the TV to change the channel when she needed to. Since her Uncle still had one of those old Box TV's with no remote! It was early morning and Uncle's tea had Zonked her good. She needed the rest though, but the bing of her Phone got a resounding snort out of her, and her sleep eyes went over to the blinking message.

She took a moment to sit up and hold on to the phone and clear her drowsy head. Normally she'd probably be up by now but, with her injuries she wasn't suppose to be moving much. Another few days and maybe but that was a stretch---she had like 4 broken ribs and a cracked sternum. She was lucky to be able to walk out of that hospital at all.

But her face did light up reading the messages, her tail tip swishing happily as she felt like she was gonna tear up! It was a relief to know they worked it out? Well she assumed as much, considering the last messages and now this. She was happy for Carol, and really hoped they had worked it all out. Though as Uncle said, they might have alot of climbing yet to go.

Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: Just watching TV Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: Uncle has one of those old ass Box TV's Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: I think its heavier then my weights i train with! hah! Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: Hey what are friends for? Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: No need to thank me i'm just glad things are better Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: cant wait! lets make a day of it! Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: See ya C! and np! i'm always gonna be here for ya! T & C! besties forever! Ringtailedmischiefmaker001: Night C!

She sighed and stretched herself out and gave a big happy Yawn! Yea this made her day, even if she was all banged up! Crap! how was she gonna explain that to Carol? maybe she wouldn't show till she was back on her feet? Damn, she'd just cross that road when it came she guessed! for now---sleepies!

[that-one-weeb-buts-its-the-main]

Being gojo's little sister headcannons

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist ♡◇ "Here's the Dump"

A first year with yuji, nobara, and Megumi

Basically was in hiding before becoming a first year

Yuji's in love with you

Just as dramatic as your brother

Temple kisses on the way past, in or out.

Tbh they thought it was one of those student teacher relationships.

Actually broski

"GOJO SENSEI! I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR Y/N!" "YOU'LL NEVER GET MY LITTLE SISTER!" "WHAT-"

Turns our you and Yuji end up getting together

Even though you're going on 16-17 if you have a bad dream you're go into Gojo's room to sleep in bed with him.

"Another bad dream?" "Yeah..."

Back rubs during hard times

Luckily doesn't know about you and Yuji and has never caught you, you've guys done some risky shit too

Basically Megumi's sister aswell

Has no shame buying you femmine products if you ask, if you need it he's got you

You guys have matching suits for formal parties

Gojo'll never give you up your the last thing he truly has left

Will stop you if he thinks your wearing something to releaving and with throw a jacket at you saying its cold

You guys get in fights about that:

"I can wear what I want!" Y/n argued walking away from Gojo

"I know but I want you to be safe! You know how people are!" Gojo defended.

"They should mind there bussniess!" She shouted back.

"But they don't!" Gojo shouted grabbing her arm, "Hey! Listen to me! You're all I have left! I don't want you gone! Please! Just wear the hoodie! If I loose you-I-I couldn't..."

Litterally has a mental break down infront of you

He is really afraid of loosing you, to anything and can't help but worry at constant, even if he knows your super strong he knows its a bad world out there, not because of curses but rather people.

Now you're both having a movie night and ordering food.

"Your the best little sister" "I know. I know."

He likes braiding you're hair

You got the gojo cut and now your basically him but a girl

"Damn babe lookin hot!" "Thanks Yuji!" "Excuse me what-"

Gojo found out about you and Yuji

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SISTER!" "Nothing nothing! I swear!" "Oh! Yeah Gojo you have a condom? I use the last one the other day with Yuji-" "YOU WHAT!?'

Yuji fears for his life. And he should.

Gojo is now afraid to open your door now.

"Yuji sent me a cock pick." "HE WHAT-" *its a picture of a rooster* "FOOL-"

Sits you down for the sex talk which was sursingly easy: "you're using Condoms?" "Yeah." "Are you on birth control?" "No" "would you like to be on birthcontrol?" "Idk." "Okay but you have to know" "What's your opinion?" "I think yes but Im not the one taking it."

Will go to the clinic with you to get the birthcontrol if you choose that route

"I need the day after pill" "I sorry what- YOU SAID YOU WERE USING CONDOMS!" "I DID BUT IT BROKE-" "BITCH YOU JUST KEPT GOIN" "WOULDN'T YOU!?" "I-I-" "mhm. Let that sink in"

Even though he's SUPER pissed, he's glad you told him

There's a level of trust that you both have beyond this world

Moms fawn over him for being such a good brother.

If you're ever in the hospital he'll bring pizza despite them saying no.

Having a breakup? Icecreams here, blankets, pjs. And a shitty love drama.

You both really can't be without the other,

Acts like he doesnt know its your birthday and surprises you with a big party after wards.

"I hate you." "I love you too" *hugs* "I...love you too." "Hmm what was that?" "I SAID FUCK OFF!"

He heard you the first time so all he does is laugh.