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moonyswritinq · 1 year

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losing you — obi-wan kenobi x gn reader

❝ LOSING YOU ❞

SYNOPSIS➢You could never resist saying no to Obi-Wan Kenobi when he needed your help. It led to a capture by the Sith, and a near death. A daring escape, a battle of hearts and good and evil, and a climax of feelings could hopefully reveal the truth within your hearts.

PAIRING ➢ obi-wan kenobi x gender neutral reader

AU ➢ friends/rivals to lovers

CONTENT WARNING ➢ swearing, sexual tension, angst, mutual pining, hurt/comfort, depictions of fighting, battling, canon-typical violence, side character deaths, sort of protective Obi-Wan

WORD COUNT ➢ 4.5 k

AUTHORS NOTE ➢ i started writing this so long ago, and am now so sick of it that i hate it with my entire being. i missed posting anything for May the Fourth, so consider this my meagre contribution. hope you still enjoy!

MASTERLIST

The thousands of voices that filled your ears and the sharp glare from the sun against your closed eyelids were the first things you noticed. Slowly, you opened your eyes and took in your surroundings. You were in the middle of an arena with hundreds of foul creatures in the stands, cheering and throwing taunts when they noticed you were awake.

You tried to look further, but as soon as you moved your head a sudden sharp pain shot through it, making you wince. You didn’t remember getting a blow to the head, which meant it was probably a pretty bad one. As you stood tied to the pole with chains against your wrists, you watched a few guards drag a figure between them. They tied it to the pole next to you, and left it slumped against the ground.

That’s when you remembered.

The fight. A lightsaber. Obi-Wan fucking Kenobi.

You two had been ambushed by the very targets he’d been hunting, and you only got caught up in the crossfire because he had asked for your help. He hadn’t needed you, and you didn’t have to accept, but something compelled you to and now you were stuck in this mess. If only you were smart enough to be able to walk away.

Unfortunately, Obi-Wan was your weakness.

You watched his unconscious figure lean against the poll, and you couldn't help but let your eyes trail over him. They jumped from the way his strong hands hung in the handcuffs (something you definitely had thought of before, just in a different situation) to the way the sun hit his smooth skin and highlighted his cheekbones. You watched his muscular chest rise and fall steadily with every breath, and how his golden hair seemed to shine even brighter. You even let your gaze travel even more south, but it quickly jumped up again from the guilt.

You blinked and redirected your gaze before his force, or magic—something—somehow notice your staring, but it was already too late. Obi-Wan grimaced as he opened his eyes, licking his lips and clearing his throat. The dry desert air did nothing but evil to your lungs.

Finally, he looked over at you and said, “I know I’m handsome, darling, but there may be a time and place for that.”

Your eyes immediately moved to his and you found him smirking smugly at you, which you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at.

“Oh, please, you wish I was admiring you, Kenobi. I was just wondering how the hell I should get back at you.” Every word from your tongue was drenched with faux venom.

Obi-Wan lifted an eyebrow. “Oh, really? And what might I have done to upset you this time?”

You laughed humourlessly at his words, gesturing around the both of you. “Is your skull really that thick? I’m stuck here because of you.”

He looked at you sceptically. “Me? Weren’t you supposed to be the look out and keep an eye on my back?”

“No, well—yes, but it wasn’t my fault.” If you had to be honest, you had been distracted by him. Obi-Wan had sat and talked with you, always being his charming self. So, really, it was his fault you hadn’t noticed the ambush. “You dragged me into this in the first place.”

He shook his head with a smile and tried to stand up straighter. “If I remember correctly—“

“You probably don’t, you took a pretty ugly blow to the head,” you interrupted. He fixed you with a pointed look, but it only made you more amused.

“—you weren’t forced to come with. You wanted to be with me.”

You grimaced at his choice of words, but were determined not to let him in on your feelings.

“And if I remember correctly, you begged me. So technically, you wanted to be with me.”

His smile told you he was enjoying this just as much as you were, and had no plans on stopping. “Oh, you know me so well, darling. I always want to be with you.”

“Exactly what I wanted to hear,” you smirked.

Even though you loved the words coming from his mouth, they were filled with the same sarcastic venom as yours. If you had to be honest with yourself, it hurt. You tried to ignore the feeling when your eyes moved to a movement in the further end of the arena. Two convoys were starting to move towards you and Obi-Wan, with two people inside of them. Obi-Wan straightened when they were within earshot.

“I was beginning to wonder if you’d got my message,” he said.

A younger man and woman was being led out by guards and you could see the boy was also a Jedi, but one in training, from the robes he wore to the braid in his hair.

“I retransmitted it,” he said, “just as you requested, Master.” The couple were being tied to a pole each, the same way you were tied. “Then we decided to come rescue you.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes as the corners of his lips tugged into half a smile. “Good job.”

You almost laughed at his sarcasm and managed to let out a snort instead. That was the first time the man seemed to have noticed you. His eyes studied you from top to bottom and then turned to Obi-Wan.

“Who is this you are with, Master?” he questioned.

Obi-Wan glanced at you, sending you a quiet question. Who were you to him?

“They—“ he began.

You interrupted him before he could finish. You were dreading to hear the words ‘they’re just my friend’, even though you knew you could never be anything more.

“I’m his amazing partner,” you smiled. “The one who always gets him out of these messes.”

The man raised an eyebrow and glanced at his Master. “Really?” he asked.

Obi-Wan threw you a pointed look. “No, I’m the one who always gets you out of messes, not the other way around,” he said. “If you had just done your job and kept a lookout we wouldn’t be here.”

You feigned offence at his remark. “Excuse you, you were the one distracting me, which means it was really all your fault,” you said.

“So you do admit I am a distraction to you, darling?” Obi-Wan smiled smugly.

You choked on your words and felt your cheeks burn. You knew he was unaware of your feelings, but that only made it hurt more. Maybe entertaining this sort of flirty banter wasn’t a good idea. It only made your hopes for something more to happen multiply. And that wasn’t fair—to either of you.

“No,” you bit out before you looked away from him entirely. He frowned, but turned away to converse with the other Jedi as you tuned them out.

—

Obi-Wan Kenobi was confused.

He had asked for your help on his mission because he knew you were in a nearby town, and because you knew how to handle your blasters. Really well. He had always admired that about you, even though he considered them a bit uncivilised, and he would never admit it. Instead Obi-Wan always decided to send a snide remark or comment your way, even when you were shooting perfectly.

“Maybe you should try hitting the target one day, y/l/n,” he shouted the one time you had missed your practice target.

What he didn’t know was that you had missed because you had been staring at his training with his lightsaber. You couldn’t help it; because, come on, Obi-Wan doing sword practices? He looked hot as fuck. It had made you glare daggers at him and you’d thrown the blaster his way.

“Why don’t you try it then? See if you’re so much better, Master Kenobi,” you challenged.

His smile only widened as he studied your approaching, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I’d rather not, darling,” he said. “You know I have no luck with those things.” You picked up the blaster and pressed it against his chest, leaning in closer to him.

“Oh, come on, Obi-Wan,” you purred. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid.”

His mind went blank at your words. You were so close to him now, he would only need to lean down a bit and your lips would be touching. Oh, how he wished to feel your lips on his. He shook the thought away and smiled at you.

“Yes, I am very afraid that you might be better than me at something.”

You moved away and chuckled, taking up your shooting position again. “I’m better than you at a lot of things.”

Obi-Wan quirked an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah? Care to enlighten me?”

“I can think of a few things,” you had winked at him.

The insinuation was enough for Obi-Wan’s cheeks to redden, but he turned away and left the subject at that. That was how you two always were. A few insults thrown in here and there, and even though he cared not to admit it, there were some flirty elements as well.

And that was why he was confused as to your sudden cold exterior. He replayed the conversation in his mind, trying to figure out why it had gone south. Did he say something wrong? Had he done something wrong?

He was brought out of his thoughts by the voice of Anakin.

“Master?” he asked, and Obi-Wan only blinked at him.

“Yes, Anakin?”

He sighed and shook his head. “That was the third time I tried to get your attention. What is going on?” He glanced at you on the other side of his master, at you, and lowered his voice. “Is it your partner? Who are they, really?”

“It’s nothing, Anakin,” Obi-Wan replied. Anakin seemed to ponder his words for a moment, and Obi-Wan was completely content on letting the conversation go.

Anakin frowned. “Why haven’t I heard about them until now?”

Obi-Wan quirked an eyebrow. “There are many things you do not know about me, Anakin. I like to keep some things private.”

“I understand,” came his voice, a bit too smug for Obi-Wan’s liking.

Obi-Wan turned to him. “What exactly do you ‘understand’?”

Anakin inclined his head to where you were standing. “I just want to let you know that it’s okay, Master.”

“Anakin, I have no idea what you are talking of.”

He rolled his eyes, leaning as close to Obi-Wan as he could. “I’m talking about the two of you,” he said.

Obi-Wan’s cheeks immediately burned. “y/n y/l/n is an old friend,” Obi-Wan whisper-shouted. “We’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“Come on, Master, I heard the way you were talking to each other. Frankly, it’s quite obvious.”

Obi-Wan glared at Anakin for him to shut up. He glanced at you beside him, trying to keep the younger Jedi’s words from sinking into him, but to no avail. He was aware of the insinuations that often existed in your conversations, and the way your words were too often far from strictly platonic. He knew you were good looking in the standard way, as he often saw heads turn in your direction and flirty smiles sent your way, though he had never allowed himself to think of you that way. It was dangerous territory for a Jedi and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to resist if he allowed himself to give in.

But now, when the both of you stood at your death row, almost out of options, it put things in perspective. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he—

A sudden cheer went up in the stadium, bringing his attention away from you. A voice sounded, in a strange language he couldn’t understand, and four doorways opened at the end of the arena. Out walked four creatures, each one horrific in its own way, and led by guards with spears. They were careful to not walk too close.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Anakin said beside him. Obi-Wan hated to admit he agreed, but forced himself to think rationally.

“Just relax. Concentrate.” He directed the words to his padawan, but they were for himself as much as for Anakin.

“What about Padme?” he asked, drawing Obi-Wan’s attention away from the oncoming monsters. He glanced behind Anakin, seeing that she was using her chain to climb the pillar.

With a smile he said, “She seems to be on top of things.”

Anakin glanced behind him, nodding, and forced calming breaths to release through his lungs. Obi-Wan looked your way, afraid he’d worry for you. Instead, you stood still, almost like a statue, looking directly in front of you. Your gaze was calculating, deadly calm, like a soldier’s calm, and your breathing was even. He didn’t know how, but you seemed to not worry even one bit at the oncoming creature.

He didn’t have time to think over it more when a creature with long claws closed in on him, throwing a leg against his chains, severing it. Obi-Wan threw himself to the side, narrowly avoiding the attack. Shouts and cheers went all around him, making him more dizzy than he already was. He tried to focus on the creature as he kept tumbling out the way, every time closer than the first. He went behind the pillar to take cover, but the monster felled it, causing it to tumble down in a load crash towards him.

Before he could understand what was happening, Obi-Wan was tumbling against the ground, rolling in a heap. The only thing was that your weight was on top of him, holding him down. He was too aware of every place you touched, shivering even through the chaos that was going on around you. You quickly glanced down at him before jumping to your feet, extending an arm for him to drag himself to his own feet. You kept ahold of his hand, tugging him along as you ran out of the creature’s path. Obi-Wan was afraid to think of what would’ve happened without you there.

He looked to the side, seeing one of the guards with a spear, taking it to throw at the monster behind you. For a second, he thought it’d worked. But then, it snapped the spear in half and continued its chase for the both of you. Thankfully, right then, Anakin and Padme appeared atop one of the other creatures, a massive horn at its front. He gestured for the both of you to get on, and without thinking, Obi-Wan grabbed your hand again and pulled you with. He helped you up in front of him. He hesitated, just a moment, before letting his arms snake around your midriff. You felt it, tensing against the feeling of him. You realised this was the wrong moment to be shy about contact, but you also realised the meaning of letting him fall against you so.

Obi-Wan let his head lean against your shoulder, ignoring the warning shouts put there by the Jedi’s so-called ways. He was tired of keeping distance from you only because of formalities. Seeing you in danger as he had done earlier, it scared him more than he dared admit. He needed to make the most out of the time you had left together.

“I—“ he began, but was interrupted by the tumbling of droids appearing, pointing their guns at the four of you.

You turned to look him in the eye, searching for any signs of reassurance there. You found none. Obi-Wan did not have a second plan, something to get them out of this major mess. He was finally out of ideas. Your lips tugged downwards at the sight of his hopeless gaze. You understood as well as he did how fucked you were.

And that’s when it happened; when dozens of lightsabers appeared in the crowding stands; they were lit in varying colours of blue, green, and, one particular, in purple. Their light reflected onto their bearers, revealing countless Jedis ready to fight. The rest of the crowd began to flee, previously cheering for the slaughter of the four of you, now cowards to the fight that would inevitable ensue.

A smile lit up your face, gazing onto the new turn of events. Maybe it wasn’t over for the two of you.

It quickly faded when more droids appeared, running over the arena to get a good shot on you. The Jedis were just as quick, jumping from the stadiums to meet the blasters with their sabers. Obi-Wan grabbed a nearby lightsaber and freed first himself, and then you, from the chains. You ran to pick up two blasters, lying nearby a fallen droid. You didn’t have time to think about the others before fire was upon you and it was all you could do to fire off shot after shot, fell enemy after enemy as your aim found its marks. Obi-Wan was soon beside you, twirling his lightsaber in beautiful circles and cutting down every droid in his vicinity. If you weren’t in mortal danger, you’d say he was enjoying himself with the way his lips formed in the faintest smile.

It was difficult keeping track of everyone and everything when all your surroundings were filled with was the light of blasters going for their mark and the glowing of lightsabers cutting into metal. Your ears were ringing, shouts and blasting muffled by the concentration of keeping your head connected to your body. All you could focus on was the next droid to appear in your path. One at a time, to keep you from losing hope and getting overwhelmed. But even you could admit that it was seeming bleak. The numbers on your side were dwindling and you felt a faint thudding in your left arm, which you had conveniently managed to ignore until now.

A sudden shriek called for your attention when the creature from before was charging for you again. You could feel your muscles locking up, the fear setting into them, while your mind was screaming for you to run. Instead, you stood there with a gaping mouth, awaiting the blow that would inevitable come upon you.

Before it did, a lightsaber cut into the creature’s path and sent its head rolling to the dirty ground, its body dropping in a lifeless heap. You turned, seeing Obi-Wan with his lightsaber raised, panting hard. His gaze turned to you with widened eyes. His legs moved before you did and managed to catch you before you fell to the ground, your legs folding beneath you. The paralysing fear was gone and in its place had an overwhelming sense of dread settled, causing your body to finally catch up with your mind. You almost wept against his robes, holding onto his shoulders to steady yourself. Obi-Wan’s arms circled you, his eyes searching you for any fatal injuries. When he couldn’t find any, he allowed his hand to smooth against your cheek, tilting your head to look at him.

“You okay?” he asked.

You nodded absentmindedly. First now you realised the closeness of him, and how vulnerable you both were in the middle of the battlefield. You turned at the same time, ready to cut down any droids, but it turned out unnecessary as the remaining Jedis had formed a protective circle around all of you, their lightsabers raised against the onslaught of droids. They stopped in their tracks as Count Dooku’s voice rang out, loud and clear, calling for a cease of fire. He was telling you how the fight was over; you were outnumbered; to lay down your weapons in arms; you were practically dead.

The Jedis looked around, uncertain on whether it was possible to win this fight. You met the droids with a steeled gaze; you’d rather die here, on the battlefield, than in some dungeon of the Sith’s. Obi-Wan looked to you and you saw the same determination reflected in his eyes. You wished to rather not die at all, but it was the lesser of two evils.

As if by reading your thoughts, suddenly battleships descended to the arena — stormtrooper ships. You let out a breath of relief; however ready you were to go down in battle someday you were glad today wouldn’t be that day.

With the help of the stormtroopers, your numbers were suddenly in the majority, felling the droids quickly and swiftly. The fight was far from over, though. Obi-Wan nudged your arm, nodding to one of the ships. You ran after him, with Anakin and Padme in the lead, onto the hovering ship and it lifted in the air. You looked around to see other stormtroopers on the ship, with only God knows what thoughts swimming behind those helmets of theirs.

“Dooku is making his escape,” said Obi-Wan, pointing ahead of him. You looked to see two slender ships and a speeder-bike flying at full speed.

One of the troopers nodded, and the ship picked up in speed. Your feet stumbled at the change, unprepared for the sudden jolt in the metal beneath you. Obi-Wan’s arm instinctively reached out and snaked around your waist, pulling you close to him.

“Hold on,” he said.

You ignored the warmth of both his body so close to you and the sudden rush of it in your cheeks. Miles of sandbanks stretched beneath you, only fleeting with the quick speed you were travelling. Ahead, you noticed that there was only one spacecraft left in your pursuit. Hopefully, you’d be able to get this mission done with and go back to your not-so-peaceful abode; all of this were definitely more than you’d originally bargained for.

With another jolt of your ship, it threw all of you off-balance and a shriek sounded. You turned to see Padme fall out of the open door. Anakin reached for her but Obi-Wan was there within a second to snatch away his wrist, pulling him from the opening.

“Put the ship down!” Anakin cried.

“Anakin, don’t let your personal feelings get in the way!” Obi-Wan shouted back, effectively ignoring your gaze. He turned to the front and called, “Follow that speeder!”

You turned Obi-Wan’s words over in your mind. Of course he wouldn’t stray from the Jedi way, not even for you. Had you then only imagined his lingering gaze and touches that existed a moment too long? Had your mind created the delusions of Kenobi’s want to protect you during the fight, or had he only happened to be nearby to help you?

Whatever the matter, you felt it smartest to not be present for the coming fight. You called out to the two Jedis.

“I’ll go after her, you handle Dooku.”

Obi-Wan turned. “No, wait— y/n!”

Before he could take hold of you, you had dropped out the opening with bent knees meeting the sandbank, landing with a compact you were not ready for. You rolled, tucking your head into your chest and quickly jumped to your feet. You had jumped out of the ship a little later than Padme and had to walk back the distance to find her again.

She laid on the sand, outstretched, with her head resting to the side. You ran to her quickly, letting her head rest under your hand and shaking her slightly in a careful attempt to wake her up. Her eyelids slid open carefully, before blinking wide up at you. Her limbs hurried with panic in an attempt to stand up and she almost tripped herself.

“Hey, hey, calm down!” you said, disentangling yourself from her. “You’re okay, you’re safe.”

She stopped struggling but stayed wide-eyed as she let herself take a few calming breaths. Eventually she had found her voice enough to ask, “Where’s Anakin?”

“Still pursuing Dooku. C’mon, we gotta get back to camp.”

Padme’s head shook before you finished your sentence, looking around. “No, no, we gotta follow them. We gotta help.”

You swallowed, nodding absentmindedly. You wanted to help Obi-Wan but you were afraid how he would react to seeing you after the fighting was done. Would he turn you away, and ultimately let the Jedi’s ways steer his life? Or would he allow you to get close to him, invite you into his life as something more than just a friend?

You pondered these questions as you managed to find a troop of stormtroopers and commandered a spacecraft to follow the pursuit of Count Dooku. Soon enough, a castle of some sort, made of a reddened stone with high spires, reached towards the muddied sky. Your craft landed and as a ship departed, speeding faster than you could react, towards outer space.

If that were Count Dooku escaping then that meant Anakin and Obi-Wan hadn’t managed to stop him. And that meant…

Your legs started to move faster than your mind could catch up, praying that what you feared wouldn’t be true. Your feet echoed against the ground as you ran into the cave, Padme following right behind you. When you entered the hollow room your eyes immediately landed on Obi-Wan’s form.

He was alive—barely standing and taking shallow breaths—but alive nonetheless.

His hand was grasped around his knee, barely being able to keep himself up. It looked as if it took everything in him not to slump to the floor. You hastened your steps in his direction, ready to just about sling yourself against him. You catched yourself in a moment, remembering the Jedi’s modest ways.

His eyes met yours as he let his hand let go of the lightsaber. His eyes softened, almost unintelligibly, and his lips quirked into a tired smile. Obi-Wan took the barest step toward you, his leg folding beneath him. You were there in an instant, letting your weight support his as much as his was supporting you. Your arms snaked around his waist, letting your head fall in the crook of his shoulder. His head laid on yours, his hair tickling your skin. As tired, and muddy, and miserable you were you couldn’t keep from the warmth spreading in the pit of your stomach.

Obi-Wan didn’t seem to mind any of the other Jedi’s in the room as he let his embrace pull you even closer to him. He pulled back the barest inch to whisper against your ear, “Don’t you ever dare scare me like that again.”

“What, when I dropped out of the spacecraft, you mean?”

You felt him shake his head against you. “Just today in general.”

“Afraid to lose me, Jedi?”

You tried not to chuckle, but it was difficult when you felt the dangers of the day receding from your mind and all that was left was an immense relief that elated your entire body. Obi-Wan pulled away entirely, letting his hands grip your shoulders for support. Your hands had a hold of his waist.

“Losing you would affect me more than you could ever imagine.”

You grinned as you tugged him into a hug again, pressing him even more intimately against you. There was no longer any doubt as to what Obi-Wan meant to you, and as to what you meant to him. He didn’t care what the council or the Jedis thought; he’d have you as yours. And you smiled at the thought.

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green-eyedfirework · 4 months

Text

Why was it that Nightwing always got captured by the creeps?

“You have no idea how special you are,” the head scientist of the sketchy biotech company Nightwing had been surveilling prattled on as the wheelchair squeaked down the hallway. “An omega vigilante, I almost couldn’t believe it when I heard, oh, I knew opening an office in Bludhaven would be a great idea—”

Red Hood got the mobsters, Red Robin got the intellectuals, and Batman and Robin got the dramatic ones. But Nightwing? Nightwing got the villains that were walking sexual harassment lawsuits. It wasn’t fair. Especially when he was the only omega of the bunch.

“Don’t you worry,” the head scientist said patronizingly, patting him on the head. “I can’t give you a heat inducer, that’ll mess up your fertility, but I promise it’ll be over soon. And you’ll get a pup out of it! How does that sound?”

Maybe it was the skintight suit. Maybe he was drawing too much attention to the wrong, ahem, assets.

“Of course, you won’t be able to keep the pup, but consider the vast contributions you will be making to science! Oh, the healing factor alone…” the beta scientist devolved into raptures of scientific glee and Dick wondered what exactly it was about a Ph.D. that turned so many of them into villains in the process. This one had done some research on the meta gene and super serum before his access to the government labs had been revoked—gee, Dick really wondered why—and now he was attempting to recreate the research with his own unethical experiments.

“And you don’t have to worry about them, my dear,” the beta patted Dick’s head again and Dick hissed through the gag. He’d been drugged a second time when he tried to bite, and all he had to show for it was the increased restraints and some fondling from the too-interested guards. “I got a delightful pollen from a lovely woman that’s guaranteed to send alphas into ruts, so they’ll be up to the performance.”

Dick rolled his eyes. So this guy was one of those idiots that thought that alphas turned into raging knotheads on their rut. Sure, it dialed their instincts up to eleven, but everyone didn’t think about sex all the time, gods.

“As long as you behave, I’m sure they’ll leave you in one piece.”

No, the more immediate concern was that Dick was starting to get the sense that the beta was using they as plural and not gender-neutral, and combined with the other hints that he was referring to metas with superhuman strength, it wasn’t adding up to a pleasant picture.

“And I have reliable reports that you know them, so this should work out great!”

Wait, what?

With that last ominous statement, they arrived at a huge, thick steel door that took several locks to disarm. Dick didn’t get much of a chance to examine it, though, before the wheelchair tilted and he was dumped inside the small cell.

“Remember to enjoy yourself!” was the maniac’s parting statement before the door swung shut.

Oh, Dick was going to enjoy pointing Hood at this asshole.

But the more immediate problem was the occupants of the cell he’d just been locked into. The very familiar occupants, and Dick worked at his bindings with trembling fingers as the alphas began to stir.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he muttered out loud as soon as he tore off the gag, watching them shift and move as silver hair caught the light and gleamed. “How did they get all of you?”

Deathstroke, Ravager, Jericho, Nightshade, and Respawn. The entirety of world’s deadliest mercenary pack. All enhanced, metas, or hopped up on some kind of experimental serum, Dick had never gotten close enough to figure out the specifics, but what he did know was that they were incredibly dangerous. The Titans had faced off against them more than once and barely managed to go limping home. The only reason they weren’t classified as a higher threat was because usually they stayed out of hero business.

“Getting captured by one idiot scientist is definitely going to puncture that reputation,” Dick said, eyeing their sluggish movements. They were beginning to wake up. “Kind of pathetic, actually. Aren’t you guys supposed to be the most elite fighters in the world or something?” That was certainly something the Ravager had spat at him once or twice. “How does a mercenary pack get kidnapped?”

A low growl and a rush of alpha pheromones billowed out to flood the space. Dick scrunched up his nose at the scent, he could feel his own start to turn sweeter in response as his omega recognized that he was trapped in a room full of alphas going into rut. The scientist had torn off all his blockers and Bruce’s scent management techniques only went so far in the face of burgeoning alpha aggression.

“Not a threat,” Dick murmured slowly, keeping his hands by his sides and staying on his knees. No need to trigger any violent movements.

He wasn’t sure what the idiot scientist was thinking—the more alphas, the better chance for Dick to be impregnated? Except with Deathstroke trapped with his pack—including a pup just barely old enough to have presented—his focus would be on protection, not procreation. It wouldn’t matter that Dick was an omega if Deathstroke or the others registered him as a danger.

“Not going to fight you,” Dick said, keeping the low, easy tone. “I’m trapped here just as same as you guys.”

The mercenaries recovered fast. One moment they were weak and sluggish, and the next the two oldest alphas had jerked upright, scanning the space and growling.

“Not a threat,” Dick murmured, low and soft. Ravager locked gazes with Dick and kept up a low, warning rumble, but Deathstroke continued scanning the area and checking over his pups. Nightshade was instantly alert, as was Respawn, growling adorably like Damian—Dick had to fight not to coo—and Jericho was the last to shake off whatever they’d been drugged with.

Half of them were staring at Dick, Respawn clutched close to his father’s side while Deathstroke prowled the cell. It was admittedly unnerving, being stared down by three growling alphas, but Dick kept his calm, his scent still the sweet of placating omega, posture unthreatening, voice soft.

“I’m not going to fight you,” Dick repeated, low and smooth. “I’m not a threat.”

Nightshade shifted towards him, teeth bared, but Ravager quickly yanked her back. Unfortunately, this turned Deathstroke’s attention his way, and it was definitely harder to keep the soothing tone when staring into the face of a man that had the highest kill count of any assassin currently alive.

“I’m not a threat,” Dick repeated, hands out and open. “I’m not going to fight you.” Alphas responded better to scent and posture when in rut, but words still occasionally made it through. Deathstroke drew closer and Dick fought the urge to run—there was nowhere to go. “I’m not going to fight you.” The alpha loomed above him and Dick kept himself carefully still, relaxed and not tense. “I’m not a threat.”

Deathstroke bent down. Dick could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he remained as still and calm as he could. The alpha’s one-eyed gaze travelled over him as he took a deliberate whiff of scent. Dick hardly dared to breathe.

The mercenary made a low growl and backed off, leaving him alone. Dick exhaled in a rush. No being mauled by mercenaries in rut tonight.

Unfortunately, Dick had spoken too soon.

He spotted the lunging motion out of the corner of his eye, too fast to react any way but instinct, and he immediately ducked and rolled, countering the alpha’s move with his own, trapping her punch and twisting her arm to yank her into a hold before he fully realized what he was doing.

“Oh, shit,” Dick hissed, hurriedly letting go and backing up, but it was too late.

He didn’t register Deathstroke moving until the mercenary slammed him to the ground, expelling his air in a breathless wheeze, and teeth digging in at the back of his neck turned his automatic protest into a low whine as submission flooded through him.

(more emphasis to bites, on fighting)

The room was thick with alpha rage and Dick stayed as still as he could, trying to calm his racing heartbeat, hoping that this was a show of force and not the prelude to playing with their food.

It didn’t matter if he struggled or not, there was no way he could beat a group of enhanced, trained alphas hopped up on aggression, but there was still the chance that if he stayed quiet and submitted, they wouldn’t tear him apart.

Dick winced as the collar of his suit was torn apart easily under enhanced hands—the goons that had captured him hadn’t been able to undo the catches without getting shocked and had quickly given up, but clearly the kevlar weave was no match for supersoldier strength. Another low whine was punched out of him as a second pair of teeth closed down on his unprotected neck, biting deep and worrying at his skin.

He could smell Nightshade’s scent change from anger to satisfaction at his apparent submission and he made another low, placating sound to appease her. Two bites meant his limbs were trembling, submission running through him like a rip current, ready to pull him down under.

Dick couldn’t help the tension—he was helpless here, lying at the mercy of a mercenary pack, waiting for them to get bored and ignore him, or for them to tear him apart as an intruder. Dick had been in worse situations, but right now, he was a having a hard time pinpointing specific examples.

Another hand joined the ones pointlessly pinning him down and Dick smelled a darker version of the rage, a scent he remembered from battlefields. He couldn’t jerk away from Ravager’s grip, so he had to stay there, hissing weakly as the alpha’s bite joined his father’s and his sister’s. Fuck that hurt.

He couldn’t move. His scent dripped with sweetness, rising alarm disguised as enticement. Dick made an aborted sound as he was dragged off the ground, bruises aching, to be hauled into someone’s impenetrable grip, hands tight on his forearms. He didn’t know whose lap he was all but sitting in, the alpha scents were mixing together, aggression and rage, possession and pride.

Dick couldn’t help flinch back as Jericho moved towards him. “No,” he breathed out, alarm rising higher, but there was nowhere to go, trapped in a cage of alphas, and Dick could only watch as Jericho braced himself on Dick’s shoulders and bent down to bite.

It felt like he was leeching the soul from Dick’s body. Submit pressed harder down on him, until what little resistance Dick had was like a slick grip in a storm, peeling away by inches, one slippery finger at a time. Too many hands, too many alphas, and Dick whimpered without meaning to, caught in a maelstrom of scent and overwhelmed by it.

Something tugged painfully at him. His pack bonds, responding to his agitation. Dick could feel the others nudging him, sending him calm and worry—and he could also feel it fraying.

No.

If this was the entirety of Deathstroke’s pack—

The pup started crawling towards him and panic rose up, sharp and high. “No,” Dick whispered, struggling against the grips chaining him in place. He was a trained vigilante, he could still throw off submission, the problem was the four alphas holding him down. “No, let me go!”

It was like battering himself against a steel wall. None of them moved.

Respawn moved up to crawl into his lap and Dick growled, as low and deep as he could make, baring his teeth in the imitation of an alpha snarl. The pup yelped, tumbling back, but then a hand in Dick’s hair wrenched his head painfully to one side and Dick couldn’t stop the growl shifting to a high, desperate whine.

“No, please, stop, don’t do this—” the pup clambered on top of him more carefully this time, ignoring his weak struggles, and Dick felt teeth close down on the jut of his collarbone. “—please—”

His pack bonds shattered.

Dick couldn’t feel them breaking over the rush of the new ones taking their place, slamming home with a suddenness that felt like a punch. He keened, curling over as much as he was able as growling filled the room, less concerned with the alphas’ emotional state than his own.

Fuck.

The only way to complete a pack claim was to have every member of the pack bite the claimant. It would destroy any other pack bond in the process, which meant that his bond with the Bats had been shredded under the force of Deathstroke’s claim.

“No, no, no—”

From the Bats’ side, Dick’s bond would’ve abruptly snapped without warning. There were only three ways to break a bond—by breaking it yourself, by subsuming it with a new claim, or by death.

And the first two were rarer than the last.

Dick choked on the overwhelming scent of foreign alpha, his own scent gentling in recognizance of his new pack, unable to breathe under the onslaught of emotion humming through him. Five alphas in rut was stretching his senses to the breaking point and it felt uniquely violating to have strangers inside the part of him that had always been for family.

“No,” Dick whimpered, unable to push them out. Everything was too loud and too much and he felt pulled in a thousand different directions.

Pack-alpha was rage-protect-furious and older-alpha was frustration-burning-hate and alpha-sister was angry-attack and alpha-brother was irritation-discomfort and alpha-pup was scared-distressed-angry and Dick couldn’t begin to untangle the web. He hurt, inside and out, broken grief and bruising aches and rising terror and throbbing bites.

“Please,” Dick tried to say, but no one was listening.

His body did the only thing it could do under the onslaught of alpha rut, new pack bonds, and increasing stress—Dick smelled the honey sweetness first, and groaned in recognition of what was to follow.

Attention focused sharply back on him as the first note of heat hit the air.

“No—” Dick fought hard against the restraining bonds, this wasn’t his pack, he wasn’t safe here, “let me go—”

They didn’t. He could feel their bonds change to anticipation, the laser focus of their rut brought to bear on him. There was nothing more important in the room to them.

Dick went pliant for a breath, enough to relax the grips on him, enough to feel the ache as the warmth of heat slowly ramped up, muscles cramping—and then he lunged, yanking himself out of the grips and aiming for the corner.

Enhanced alphas, of course, reacted fast.

Dick found himself jerked back against a solid chest, arms wrapping around him and forcing his arms down by his side. Ravager was in front of him now, Ravager and Nightshade, and between them they managed to turn the top half of his suit to confetti.

Dick, half-naked, trapped in the middle of five alphas in rut and smelling of honey, had a terrible thought—

But no one was moving to pull the rest of his suit off and it was Respawn that crawled forward first. Dick tried to yank away when he realized what was happening but Deathstroke’s grip didn’t budge a fraction, a low growl warning him to stay still.

His chest ached, not with bruises but the growing cramps of heat, and when Respawn latched onto a nipple and sucked, Dick screamed.

It hurt. The pressure, the unbearable weight of an insistent, demanding pup as his body tried to remake itself to provide for his pack. The increase in cramping right before the milk finally came. And the horrible, awful relief, the unshakeable sense that Dick was losing something, that this was defilement greater than he’d expected.

“No,” Dick sobbed, keening as Nightshade shoved forward to latch onto his other nipple. “No, stop, that isn’t yours—”

The alphas didn’t care. They drank busily, sucking his milk out in greedy pulls, uncaring for the way Dick writhed as he cried. His scent was sweet but his bond was twisted in distress, and the alphas didn’t twitch.

When the pup was done, Jericho moved forward to take his place, bright blond hair the only thing visible in Dick’s blurred vision. Ravager growled as Nightshade kept drinking and snapped warningly at her before she let go with a pout. Ravager dove for her spot and Dick made a low, punched-out sound. The increase in suction was unbearable, he felt like he was being unmade under the onslaught.

“P-please.”

Jericho stopped sooner, but that wasn’t a relief—Nightshade’s tight grip replaced her father’s as Deathstroke bent down, latching on tight and drinking with deep, strong pulls that had Dick wailing.

It hurt, it was pain on a level deeper than flesh, it was too much and yet Dick was pinned here to endure, overwhelmed under the onslaught and unable to run.

There was no comfort but the restraining grips around him, no warmth but from bonds from the enemy, no protection but from the very same people that were hurting him. His omega was shrieking for safety and reassurance and the most Dick could do was press into the hands holding him, fingers wrapped tight over someone’s palm, hand clasping the pup to him, pulling an alpha’s arm closer until he could see and hear and smell nothing but them.

Dick made a low, broken keen, and the rumbles of his pack answered him.

#my snippets #wilson pack #omegaverse #drugged #lactation #submission #pack bonding

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thecosmosproject · 4 months

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IT'S PRIDE MONTH!!

Akko: Guys it's pride month! Yk what that means?

Amanda: Here we go...

Akko: Everyone needs to give me 10 bucks! Amanda you first

Amanda: Oh hell nah, I'm just as gay as you!

Akko: No you're not!

Amanda: I'm a lesbian dumbass!

Akko: Ugh, fine fine! Lotte give me 5 bucks

Amanda in the back: Why does she have to give you 5!?

Lotte: Sorry Akko, I'm pansexual

Akko: Okay okay, Sucy yo-

Sucy: I'm asexual and dating Lotte.

Akko: Okay who's straight!?

Diana: Hannah is gay, Barbara is bisexual

Amanda: Jasmika is bisexual and Constanze is non binary and a lesbian

Akko: Jeez... Fine fine, I'll go ask Professor Chariot to give me money

Diana: She's a lesbian

Akko: Professor Croix?

Hannah: She's gay too Akko...

Akko: Awe man! I wanted to get money!

Amanda: At least everyone in school owes us money

Akko: Oh yeah!

Hannah looking at Diana with a deadpan look: They do know that half the school is gay, right?

Diana: They'll know soon enough...

------------------

Happy pride month y'all!

I wanted to share my headcanons on every characters sexuality and who their partner is (aka my fav ships in all honesty)

Akko- Bisexual and Demi-girl/They are dating Hannah and Diana (However both Hannah and Diana aren't, they see each other more as friends then lovers. They have tried dating but they both didn't feel the spark)

Lotte- Pansexual and Asexual, she had a crush on Frank once, however she and Sucy began dating after they saved magic (they took forever to realize their feelings)

Sucy- Asexual and unlabled, Sucy doesn't like labeling herself, it's complicated for her so she rather sticks with saying she's dating Lotte

Amanda- Lesbian and questioning, she's unsure if she's gender fluid or demi, she's still figuring that out. She's dating Barbara and Constanze (She likes blue haired ppl fr)

Jasmika: Bisexual, she's known for a long time she's attracted to both genders and that they're both beautiful, she's currently single

Constanze- Lesbian and Non binary, since they don't talk a lot, most ppl don't know they're non binary or even dating Amanda. They like it like that, but if you ask they'll gladly tell you

Diana- Lesbian, she's known that she liked girls ever since she began going to Luna Nova, at first she was scared to admit it but she slowly started to accept it. People have thought she was dating Andrew and she straight up scolds them for thinking that

Barbara- Bisexual, she likes both genders what can she say? Her biggest crush was Edgar from Nightfall and Amanda (and now she's dating Amanda and Constanze)

Hannah- Lesbian, Hannah had a lot of celebrity crushes, making her believe that she was straight. However, when she began to talking to Akko more she realized that she was attracted to girls. She refused to believe that and was homophobic, but she later accepted it

Chariot/Ursual & Croix: Both are the biggest lesbians I've ever seen omg, and guess what? They're dating!

Anyways that's all, I'll probably post tmr a list of all my favorite lwa ships. So yah

Happy pride month!

(Also Andrew is gay and Frank is questioning)

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ask-a-rare-person · 2 months

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My xeno gender + Neo pronoun manifesto

Ok so, a lot of people(understandably) don’t really get neos/xenos. It’s super complicated, different for everyone, and there’s not a lot of us around anyways. It feels like most people’s (including mine) first exposure to the community is usually phramed in a “woah look at how wirrd this is!” Type setting that doesn’t explore why we do what we do. Also this is an ask based blog, questions are extremely welcome!

I first should define what xeno genders and Neo pronouns even are.

Xeno genders: genders that fall outside of how we traditionally think of gender. It’s a way of thinking that rejects femininity and masculinity in its traditional forms, and is often neglected all together.

Neo pronouns: pronouns that are not she, he, or they. It pronouns are kinda on the cusp simply because they are not typically affirm in to most people and are therefore unconventional in their own right.

I got involved in xenogenders after i accepted myself as trans. It took me a long time, and a lot of that was due to my very self-distructive veiw of lables.

See, the last time I’d had to do lable searching was when I was 12 years old and trying to figure out if I was lesbain, bi, pan, etc.

I had an extremely restrictive veiw of sexuality labels, and I agonized if I was really attracted to boys or not. Same with nonbinary people. I, being 12 and stupid, thoight that bi and pan were extremely districtive lables and that if I was attracted to NBs I couldn’t be bi. Not to mention, I thought that nonbinary even had a “look” in the first place.

Somehow, i concluded I was bi. And I still use that label to this day. Even though I’m attracted to NBs. lol. But it wasn’t easy to get to that point. I had daily meltdowns where I destroyed my room and would then do the humiliating work of picking everything up while sniffling. It wasn’t healthy.

But I was 16 at the point I was finally ready to question my gender. I felt myself slipping into old habits almsot immediately. But I thankfully had the self awarness at this point to stop and think clearly about what I was doing.

With someone who has enough negitive momentum surrounding lable searching like I do, I can’t exactly expect all of this to go painlessly. But I also don’t have to activly make it worse for myself. I realzied that I believed I needed to find my “lable soulmate” and that I should not allow myself to rest until I find the one true lable.

So instead I decided to passivly watch my gender as neutirally as I possibly could. Without trying to name it anything, just watching.

I learned that I felt very masculine at that point, but alos that I noticed fluidity in both my gender and gender presentation. But what suprized(and scared) me was how it was fluid. It coincided with the barometric pressure. I didn’t want to believe it. I knew what it would mean for me if it was true. I knew I’d be lonly, misunderstood, and might never find a word to describe how I feel. So I kept watching my gender “move.” Sometiems I wouldn’t even notice the pressure would change, just that my gender did. And my dad(has seasonal depression) would casually comment on the shift. Fuck.

I should probably mention now that I have quite a few conditions that are affected by the pressure too. And my others are of course impacted by my other disorders acting up so…I’m no stranger to feeling majorly off kilter when it rains or something. It also made sense how I never noticed my fluidity, I was always caught up with my symptoms. And dysphoria, I mean, it just felt like a miscellaneous symptom that could be from anything.

I’d been admiring xenogenders from afar for a couple years at that point…and I decided to take a look. I mean, my gender is already weird , right? It might as well be weird in a good way. On my terms. In any case, I felt so disconnected from the trans community at large due to my disabilities and odd gender and felt much more at home with the xeno gender ppl I saw online. That’s typical for me. I never really got along with normal people, and I’m ok with taht. Mostly.

I flourished. For the first time, lable searching wasn’t toruture. I was crying. I was throwing things. I wasn’t hating myself. For the first time I felt JOY doing this. It became a fun pass time looking at different flags, noticing the Latin roots tin lable names(I love Latin), it was like window shopping but I could have everything I wanted. There is no limit. No consept of “soul labels,” in fact its commen hoard even hundreds of genders.

I felt true freedom in my identity for the first time. I got to have whatever happened to speak to me in that moment and it hardly even felt like the choise. Or at least enough of a choice to trigger my terrible decision paralysis. It was truly amazing to experience. No lable had all the power in my identity, in fact power wasn’t even the point. Just words that feel good. Flags too, they were the biggest deciding factor. Suddenly it felt like my dyslexia was accommodated in a conversation I had never realized it wasn’t.

Suddenly I veiwed genders not as attempting to articulate consepts in ways I’d never otherwise articulate them, and were put into MY language. Metaphor. Colors. Tastes. Feelings. Memories. Ideals. All the abstract goings ons in my mind no longer needed to be translated. They could simply just “be.”

Metaphor is probably my favorite aspect of xenogenders. It’s how I best express myself. Ever sense I was 3 I had to explain medically impossible symptoms to docters who had no idea what I was talking about. So i used metaphor. Over and over and over. And now, I can’t imagine not using metaphor. About anything. I struggle not to use them. And now I had a place to use them.

The genders I chose to hoard can be found here but they mostly boil down to:

Sun + light themed

Fairy + pagen + nature themed

The endless combinations of boy, girl, and nonbinary that may incidentally fit me due to my fluidity

For reason #1, this is segnifigant because both my birth first and middle name are light/sun related and I always strongly identified with them before I stopped repressing my dysphoria.

Also, the sun is often used as a symbol of divine masculine. I really like that because it is masculinity without the consepts of physical bodies or my current gender identity getting in the way. It’s just…masculine. In complete, beautiful isolation.

I would also like to say that, after coming out as transgender to my fellow spirtual cirlce, a commen response is that we are all beings of light. And, to be honest, when someoen asks my gender I wish I could just say “I am a being of light.”

For reason #2, it is of course related to my faith as well. Turns out, when you tell a bunch of tree hugging hippies that your gender changes based on one of the Earth cycles, they will treat you as if you were graced with a rare gift. I have also been told that it brings me closer to the faries and nature. I mean thsi genuinely when i say that the spiritual ppl in my neck of the woods are more accepting than the LGBTQ community. No discorce, no need to justify anything, etc. just love, man.

And, well, I think reaosn #3 is pretty self explanatory. My fluidity is much less of a light swtich between “boy” and “girl” but more like a constantly changing gender blob that lazily makes its way across multiple gender territories at a time to various extremes.

Now on to the Neo pronouns!

So I use one set of Neo pronouns, jusr fae/faer. I won’t reiterate my connection to fae, but I do have another reason I connect with fae/faer.

It was actually the reason I started using them in the first place. See, when I was in fourth grade, I discovered the wonderful world of gay ships. As in, male x male. Me, convinced I was just a girl, had no idea why I was drawn to them. But I was completely obsessed. It turns out that attraction hits the same as hyperfixation. So I jsut assumed it was hyperfixaiton, not a budding attraction to men that was inherently queer. As well as a strong connection to the effeminate, shy, characters that were always swept off their feet by strong masculine ones.

My intrest in twinks and effeminate men was always sort of curious to me. Because I had no…intentions? I was drawn to them but not because I wanted to kiss them or date them or anything like that. When I was finally exploring my gender I realized that I wanted to BE them. I saw my pre hrt self in those fem guys and I was floored by how sought after they were by the other male love interest. Their gender nonconformity was not seen as weird but as an inherent plus. And their awkwardness was seen as cute, not weird either. Yes, I was the wierd kid. Moving on.

So, anyways. I found that I was drawn to fae/faer because I felt that it honored my gender’s inharent connection to being a queer man without necessarily needing my current gender to line up with it. Because, at the end of the day, gay romance shaped my gender development in a huge way. And that influence on my life won’t vanish the second I stop being a boy.

Before I go, I want to dispel a commen misconception. People often assume that we demand others use our Neopronouns. And I want to come out and say we don’t. Because you know what? Most of us are mentally disabled. And if there is anyone who understands just who difficult learning a new skill is, it’s us. We don’t expect others to use them at all. And any small effort is seen as a miricle to us. So please, if you feel like being extra nice, go for it! But you don’t have to. 99% of us will have at least one set of conventional pronouns you can use instead.

Hope this cleared some things up! And as I said questions are incouraged!

#ask #ask blog #new blog #lgbtq #queer #gay #trans masc #transgender #trans man #transgender man #nonbinary #enby #mogai #neopronouns #xenogender #education #awareness

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sugatrapp · 11 months

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「 W a f f l e s 」

•─────────────•°•❀•°•─────────────•

Pairings: Carmen Berzatto x Gender Neutral Reader

Summary: You wanted to take a picture with Carmy, but he didn’t take it seriously. You threatened to post the failed pictures on Instagram, but then he made you an offer you couldn’t refuse.

Warnings: NSFW / Sexual Themes ~ Spanking ~ Food Play ~ Non-specified gender or genitalia of reader ~ just an overall playful and goofy mood with a little spice

A/N: It’s my birthday today, but I figured why should I be the only one to enjoy today? Well, you’ll probably enjoy it more than me since I have classes 🙃 but still hope you like the story!

AO3

Masterlist

Ko-Fi

•─────────────•°•❀•°•─────────────•

Being around Carmen felt as natural as breathing. From the moment you met, you knew right away there was no one else you’d rather give your heart to. He made you laugh even when he wasn’t trying, he remembered the most minuscule details about you and what you liked, and he was always there when you needed him. You could never bother me. ‘M only a call or text away, he’d remind you for the fortieth time after you admitted to not wanting to add to his stress from work. No one could ever dream of asking for a better boyfriend.

Except whenever you tried to take pictures with him.

It had been ten minutes since you asked him to take a picture with you for your socials. Saving memories was your second favorite part of making them, so it was inevitable that you’d ask him. But he was in an especially playful mood that day. The smile he flashed at the camera was overly wide and a bit creepy if you looked long enough. With a pout, you shoved him away while he laughed.

“You’re such a jag off.”

He held a hand over his mouth to calm himself down to no avail. “Hey, I smiled didn’t I?”

“Like a serial killer.”

He shrugged and kissed your forehead as an apology. As you scrolled through the handful of failed images, a lightbulb flicked on over your head.

“I don’t even care, I’m still gonna post them.”

“No you’re not.”

When he saw the blank expression on your face, he reached for the phone only for you to hold it out of his grasp. You both made eye contact. A glint he knew all too well flashed behind your eyes. A glint that meant you were going to be a bratty pain in the ass. He reacted a second too slow as your form dodged his arms and took off running up the stairs. He rushed after you, but you had already shut and locked yourself in the bedroom. He banged on the door.

“Babe open the door! You better not post those.”

“Or what Carmen?” You asked, putting emphasis on his name.

“I’ll sue.”

You chuckled. “Guess I’ll be seeing you in court then.”

He sighed, running his fingers through his curls while pacing. What to do, what to do? After a moment, an idea popped into his mind and he smirked. He made sure to get nice and close to the area of the door where he knew you were standing.

“I’ll spank you.”

There was dead silence for a while before you spoke in a breathless whisper.

“Promise?”

He hummed in agreement. “Just give me your phone and you can have what’s behind door number one.”

“What’s the catch?”

You knew him too well.

“You take however many I feel you deserve—“ you made a sound of protest, “but I’ll sweeten the deal with some waffles.”

You thought over his proposal, but the throbbing between your legs had already decided. The lock clicked and the door swung open. You huffed as you handed over your phone. He deleted all but one of the photos, using it to set your wallpaper to his creepy smile before pocketing the phone. You’d see his surprise later.

You were bouncing your leg the entire time he was preparing the waffles. Carmy was awfully heavy handed when it came to punishments. Just a few weeks ago when he caught your hand between your legs without permission, you thought he was in a good mood helping you find your release. But then he kept going and going until you were too sore and sensitive to handle him even breathing on your skin.

A shiver ran up your spine as the steaming stack of waffles was placed on the island in front of you. While you were zoned out, he had dressed them up with whipped cream and berries, topping it off with buttermilk syrup. You were definitely not going to be able to sit down properly for a while.

“You wanna eat ‘em now or take ‘em with you?”

“With me,” you mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

“Don’t worry babe, I won’t go easy on you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

You frowned as he chuckled, giving you one last nicety of a kiss at your temple before he got down to business.

“Bedroom in three. Don’t be late.”

•─────────────•°•❀•°•─────────────•

He was sitting at the edge of the bed when you entered. Beside him was a can of whipped cream. He patted his leg with a smirk on his face.

You took a deep breath before walking over, carefully lying across his lap with your waffles. You had sliced them into smaller pieces downstairs to make it easier. He wasted no time, hooking his fingers beneath the waistband of your shorts and underwear, tugging them off. You flinched as he gave you a light playful swat, laughing.

“I haven’t done anything yet, baby, relax.”

Easy for him to say. You knew he was lulling you into a false sense of security as he caressed your bare bottom, but you couldn’t help but melt, taking a bite of the waffles. It was heavenly, all fluffy and sweet, bright flavors exploding in your—

Smack!

You yelped as his hand came down hard on your right cheek.

“Count,” he demanded.

“O-One chef.”

“Good.”

Another on the right. Two chef. Three chef. Four. It wasn’t until eight when he switched to the left. It was because the right cheek was slightly smaller than the other. You were insecure about it at first, but he made sure to give it equal attention in any other case. But in this case, it didn’t help.

Tears streamed down your face at eleven, shoving more waffle in your mouth to mask your noises. His hand left your hot skin for a moment and you braced for another hit only to be met with a cold spray of whipped cream. He smeared the cream over your sore bottom, bending over to lick it off.

You mewled, forcing yourself to remain still as he tongued you down, open mouth kisses getting awful close to your desperate core. Of course he pretended not to notice, avoiding it like the plague yet gripping your inner thigh mere inches away.

“Carmy,” you moaned.

His hum vibrated over your skin.

“Please…”

Smack! You had fallen for it again.

“Was trying t’ give you a break but if you insist.”

You gritted your teeth, stopping yourself from rolling your eyes. Another five hits later and the whipped cream was back. You sighed and pushed back into his roaming hand.

“Taste so good baby,” he moaned.

You stabbed another piece of waffle with your fork, twisting a bit to offer it to him. He closed his mouth around it, expression blissful as he took in the flavors. He plucked a strawberry from the plate, dipping it into the whipped cream still on your ass. You squirmed in place, beyond turned on and uncomfortable at being in the same position for so long.

Smack!

“You gonna be good or am I gonna have to add another one?”

You shook your head. “No, I’ll be good for you.” Then you sweetened the deal with wide, albeit watery, puppy eyes.

He took another fruit from the plate and popped it in his mouth. “Still got two more.”

You whined, on the verge of kicking your legs in protest until another smack halted you in your tracks.

“Three more.”

You bit your tongue and nodded. Eventually twenty-two rolled around and you sighed in relief. Your waffles were all gone, a few pieces of fruit left behind. You hissed as he ran his hands over your sore cheeks, no doubt bruised.

“Did so well for me baby. I think you deserve a little treat.”

Your eyes lit up. “You mean the waffles weren’t it?”

“I mean, if you don’t want it—“

“No!” You sat up, wrapping your arms around his neck and pecking the side of his face. “I want it.”

He stood up, hands falling to the button of his jeans. You watched with hungry eyes as his pants and boxers fell to his ankles, revealing his engorged cock. The tip was an angry red, a bead of precum just begging to be licked off. As if it wasn’t enough, he sprayed a strip of whipped cream down the length.

“Think you can handle it?” He teased, slowly stroking himself and smearing the cream.

“Oh I know I can Berzatto.”

“Then c’mere and show me.”

You didn’t need to be told twice.

#sugatrapp #gender not specified #reader insert #carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto #the bear #kinktober #n s f w 🤫#the bear fx #carmen berzatto x reader #carmy berzatto #birthday

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kiukiu1270 · 7 months

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Fully finished 15 Nikolai AU Character sheet + Headcannons!!!

Nikolai is a Piano player and I will not accept him playing any other instrument other than that. His cannon design even looks like a Piano how much more piano-y can a character get?? He is those self-taught pianist. The type that only knows chords and those weird numbered sheets music you get in those church songs lol (Fyodor taught him to read sheet music later on ;3)

Also pianist of 10 years writing over here, The tenor clef page is based on personal experiences.

It took me so long to figure out his sexuality, It was between Gay, Pan, Achillean but I settled with Omnisexual

“Omnisexual refers to someone who is romantically, emotionally, or sexually attracted to persons of all genders and orientations”Basically, All is good. But of course he does have some (a lot) of Internalised Homophobia and Religious Trauma (Haven’t fully figured it out yet in my head but I’m working on it)

Figure skating ehhhhhhh (for personal reasons) Realistically it is near impossible to do a Hydroblade self taught and pretty much figure skating isn’t a hobby that you can just buy a pair of skates (1000usd per pair) (he stole those with his ability ofc) but you can’t just teach yourself through YouTube videos (based on…. Experience….) (you Will Hurt yourself) but I meannnn He has an magical portal opening ability, he got plot armour. (And I like figure skating)

Random Trivia

Cavetown coded, Star coded, Neurodivergent, Enfp, likes cardistry (like magicians you get it), has the biggest crush on Fyodor (if it wasn’t obviously enough lol), likes Pigeons (yk street rats) (I love pigeons, they deserve more love), (Personally I think cannon adult Nikolai is more white Dove coded tho), Loves theatre and the stage (based on irl Mykola), Irl Mykola was queer, Loves Tchaikovsky (me too) (Tchaikovsky was also queer btw (he was very gay)), likes Mykola Lysenko (carol of the bells original composer) (ayy father of Ukrainian classical music and him share the same name!!) (I love researching about Ukrainian culture while making this)(Ukraine is so beautiful, I wish we could’ve had the chance to visit it in its beautiful light and glory before yk…) (Making this was very emotional) (Don’t forget to support Support Ukraine guys) 🌻🇺🇦🫶

Btw here are some songs that I listened to while drawing him!!!

(Definitely listens to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture to fw Fyodor lol)

(Btw go watch my 15 Fyolai Astronomy mini Animatic on my page)

(This is Home will always have a special place in my heart)

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bonedo-enthusiast · 1 month

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Coming Out to BND

A/N: my first ever actual tumblr post! (AHH) i’m still learning about how to use tumblr and whatnot but… i had this thought one day and figured maybe i should post it. hope you guys like it. (also btw lowercase is intended!) :)

tws: none(?), mention of homophobia/transphobia but only in passing

genre(s): fluff, comfort

wc: 723

sungho

“oh, really?”

surprised but tries not to be too surprised because he doesn’t want to make you feel weird

will take your secret to his grave if need be

probably won't ask you many questions because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable

assures you that this won't change anything about your friendship

he might be a little awkward though, unsure of how to segue into a different subject

if you came out as trans, it would definitely take several months for him to be able to switch to your new name and pronouns

not out of malice, but because he knew you for so long as (insert deadname)

he would cringe every time he slips up, quickly apologizing and moving right along

riwoo

"oh... thanks for telling me."

similarly to sungho, he's surprised

but he's definitely more awkward about it

like to the point you wonder if he's homophobic/transphobic

but he just has so many thoughts and questions swirling around in his head

like how long have you known? what does this mean? does this change anything about your friendship? (no, of course not!)

once he pushes those thoughts aside, he smiles at you tells you he's glad you told him

now you both are closer than ever! <3

no but i feel like whenever riwoo would mess up your pronouns, he'd apologize profusely

like to the point where it's very awkward...

but he's trying his best! :,)

jaehyun

"oh word?"

no but something in me tells me jaehyun would get excited (?)

(like this man may or may not have taken a "am i gay test" in high school kind of vibes)

"whaaaat?!"

if you came out as trans, he would definitely insist on buying necessary supplies for you, especially if your birthday is around the corner :D

he's super sweet and supportive, immediately asking you what your new name/pronouns are

"ooh, that's such a cool name!"

and if you came out with your sexuality, he would always consider this when talking about attractive people

like pointing out cute people you'd potentially be attracted to with your newly revealed sexuality

might even try setting you up with them lol

taesan

"okay... and? took you long enough."

bro already knew 😭

taesan strikes me as a very observant person, so i feel like he'd already have some idea

maybe he'd even start viewing you as the gender you transition to, before you even tell him

(he's psychic! /j)

in his mind, that's who you are and who you always have been! <3

as a result, he would have no issues with getting your pronouns/name right

as for sexuality, he really doesn't care (respectfully)

"cool."

like. so nonchalant.

leehan

"oh? tell me more."

i feel like he'd be very curious about your identity (if you're comfortable telling him about it of course!)

he's a big listener and likes learning about things, so he would be very good to talk to about these things

and actually, i could even see him doing some research to try and learn more about his friend and understand them better :)

i see him as the kind of person you'd come out to first, just because he's so understanding

like you could come to him with your fears and worries about your realized identity and he'd just be so so sweet :(

"you're still the same person, and you're still my friend. you are never alone. it's okay, we can figure this out together."

PLS 😭💗

woonhak

"huh... so what does that mean exactly?"

i'm not sure he would understand anything beyond the basic terms most people know (like gay, lesbian, trans)

so if you were to come out to him as, say, nonbinary, he might need some explaining about what exactly that means

but regardless, he'll just smile and nod

but still be confused because why are you telling him this??

he wonders if he's supposed to do something with this information, or just listen

i can so picture him trying hard to pay attention to what you're saying while at the same time trying to figure this stuff out in his head lol

but once he's past this internal debate, he's so sweet

messes up your pronouns/ name quite a bit at first though

"yeah, me and (insert deadname)-- i mean, wait! sorry, (insert chosen name)..."

#boynextdoor #boynextdoor imagines #boynextdoor sungho #boynextdoor riwoo #boynextdoor jaehyun #boynextdoor taesan #boynextdoor leehan #boynextdoor woonhak #boynextdoor drabbles #bnd #bnd imagines #bnd fluff #boynextdoor fluff #kpop imagines

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maninthemiroh · 1 month

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About my Criminal Minds DR

Full name: Gagak (Yes, that's it. I was born in Java, Indonesia, in this DR)

My nicknames: Corvid/ae/ (most of the team), Raden Mas (most of the world), Bird boy (Luke), The Crow (film fans)

My faceclaim: LØREN

Gender identity: Cis-male

Orientation: Demi-romantic/sexual

Age upon first shift: 20

More about me and changes I made below the cut <3

My style:

I wasn't going to have this kind of style, as evidenced by my previous post about this DR, but I read through one (1!) fanfiction series about cowboy!reader x Criminal Minds yesterday and… Also, for some reason, black, red, and white were thee colors when I was making the wardrobe section on this Pinterest board? I blame my top #6 video game characters: Ash (King of Fighters), Iori (KOF), Rock (also, KOF), Shadow (Sonic), Skarlet (MK), and Vice (KOF, again). Ahaha, guess what my favorite video game is 🤔 Anyway, RDR2 outfit pic creds to user @/kaddishaun on Pinterest!

Fun facts about me and my life:

Youngest FBI informant a month after moving to the US (subsequently also a month after I turned 10), I'm sort of replacing White Boy Rick in a sense, but without the bad ending and horrible father figure.

Officially joined the FBI at age 11 once I got dual citizenship for the US and Indonesia (yes, I know that's not possible in this reality).

IQ of 304 because I'm an attention whore 😀.

Tallest person ever, as per usual, "only" 9'3 this time, though.

Youngest person to graduate high school, age five at SMA Taruna Nusantara

Youngest person to ever graduate college, age six, via an accelerated course thanks to a 127-page dissertation on serial killers that earned me my first PhD, one in Criminal Justice, at the University of Indonesia.

Besides my first PhD, I have twelve others, one in Chemistry, another in Computer and Information Sciences, then Cybersecurity, Engineering, Mathematics, Pharmacology, Philosophy, Physics, Political Science, Psychology, Public Administration, and Statistics.

Took the CTY entry exam, after it was mailed to me, and aced it, but they originally said I would have to move to Maryland, which I simply refused to do, so I almost turned it down before my parents mailed them a letter back asking if I could do dual enrollment and they'd, as rich people, pay for the transport of my schoolwork to and from our estate in Java, and it was not a surprise when the school board agreed.

When I first opened my eyes in the emergency room, my dad was holding me, and he was wearing a jade necklace, one long enough for me to reach out and grab—I did so, though, my grip wasn't very strong. As such, my mother suggested I be named after the jewel, but my grandfather, who recently visited Banggai, suggested the name Gagak, meaning crow, and my parents liked that better.

I spoke for the first time at 4 weeks and four days, simply said the word "shiny," and grabbed at my great aunt's pearl earring. This further reinforced for my family that my name was meant to be.

It's rude to call an Indonesian person by their full first name, so most have nicknames, and, my first name being what it is, my nickname wasn't hard for Spencer the team to think up.

Unit chief of the BAU since Hotch and Jack went into Witness Protection

I can speak, write, and comprehend all 700+ languages used in Indonesia.

I can read 30,000 words per minute and write 15,000.

Autodidact with an eidetic memory.

I played Eric Draven in the 1994 action fantasy film, The Crow (I will go on to play the same role in the 2024 remake)

From ages 14-19, I was the lead singer and backup guitarist in a faceless V-Kei trio called Birds Dig Us under the stage name, Rook, and we were actually the number one boy band at the time 😭. We haven't released music since 2001, but we didn't break up either [Insider info: things are cooking].

My other bandmates were Miyavi (Dué le Quartz, Skin, The Last Rockstars) on guitar and backup vocals, stage name Tsubasa, and Kai (the GazettE) on drums, stage name Torrio, by the way.

Also, Birds Dig Us made all the songs for The Crow's soundtrack.

I have a southern accent because, after moving to the US and before joining the BAU, I lived in Texas.

Reid's autism and mine feed off of one another, if you couldn't tell…

Some other things I changed:

I scripted that Austin the Bartender, Beth Clemmons, Elle Greenaway, Jason Gideon, Jordan Todd, Kevin Lynch, Maeve Donovan, Maxine Brenner, Stephen Walker, and Tyler Green don't exist, as well as that Aaron Hotchner, Alex Blake, Derek Morgan, and Kate Callahan never leave the BAU (for good, at least).

After Scratch dies, Hotch comes back to the BAU, but I keep my new position as unit chief, and Hotch just becomes a regular member of the team.

Reid and I both get actual diagnoses 😓

It takes longer for the team to go through the motions of Rossi's past because it felt far too quickly done in canon for me. Rearranged a bunch of episodes in the timeline for this and other reasons.

Morgan has lessened trust issues.

JJ didn't emotionally cheat on Will, her fucking baby daddy, because what the fuck was that??

Also, Haley and Hotch were less toxic because WOAH and Strauss and Rossi aren't hunching.

To sum things up: As of now, the BAU consists of its legal expert and former Unit Chief, Aaron Hotchner; Alex Blake, a linguist who assists with nuances in communication; David Rossi, one of the first BAU agents and a specialist in hostage negotiation; Derek Morgan, an ex-Chicago policeman with proficiency in obsessional crimes and explosives; Emily Prentiss, a master at child advocacy and counter-terrorism; Jennifer Jareau, the communications liaison and a standard profiler; John Blackwolf, a standard profiler; Kate Callahan, an experienced undercover agent; Luke Alvez, an adept fugitive tracker; Matt Simmons, a skilled profiler from the FBI International Response Team; Penelope Garcia, the technical analyst; Spencer Reid, an elite geographic profiler and chirography analyst; Tara Lewis, a forensic psychologist; and myself, the squad's current Unit Chief and sex crime expert.

PS: My voice claim is Corpse Husband because when given the choice to become my ideal self, why wouldn't I? Before anyone comes at me, I did use to have GERD! I didn't script myself having any disorders I don't or didn't have in this reality.

Taglist: @amiivrse @the-badass-penguin

Divider credits: @/i-mmaculatus and @/v6quE

#original post #shifting antis dni #desired reality intro #criminal minds shifting #criminal minds shifter #cm dr related

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elizmanderson · 1 year

Text

queerness in The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher

book description

when you’re an old woman armed with nothing but gumption and knitting needles, stopping a sorcerer from wiping out an entire dragon-fighting organization is a tall order. no one understands why 83-year-old Edna Fisher is the Chosen One, destined to save the Knights from a dragon-riding sorcerer bent on their destruction. after all, Edna has never handled a magical weapon, faced down a dragon, or cast a spell. and everyone knows the Council of Wizards always chooses a teenager—like the vengeful girl ready to snatch Edna’s destiny from under her nose.

still, Edna leaps at the chance to leave the nursing home. with a son long dead in the Knights’ service, she’s determined to save dragon-fighters like him & ensure other mothers don’t suffer the same loss she did. but as Edna learns about the abuse in the ranks & the sorcerer’s history, she questions if it’s really the sorcerer that needs stopping—or the Knights she’s trying to save.

find it here

okay let's talk about queerness in this book

did a thread on twitter in which I said "cishet" five hundred thousand times so will probably get banned lmao but anyway I wanted to share it here too

especially since it's late in Pride Month and I have yet to post anything anywhere about it BEING Pride Month and me being queer and my books being queer, bc I've been burnt out af. so what energy I've had has gone toward planning and writing

anyway

I say "queerness in" rather than "queer characters in" because I want to talk about queerness in the book more broadly, not least bc I'm a queer creator & this is a queer book, but I've had a lot of impostor syndrome about both those things.

I figured out I was queer later in life & am a woman-presenting person w/a male-presenting partner. I've questioned my gender & sexuality repeatedly & ID'd differently over time, which is why I like "queer." I don't have to re-explain myself a dozen times. I'm queer. that's that.

but having figured out my queerness later, and having a relationship that presents as cishet, it took a long time for me to overcome feelings of ~not being queer enough~ (and sometimes I still struggle with them).

similarly, my MC is an apparently* cishet woman, unlike the MCs of many books that appear on queer book lists at this time of year. just like I took a long time to start really engaging with my community bc I worried I wasn't ~queer enough,~ for a long time, I didn't call this a queer book bc I worried it wasn't ~queer enough~. if people asked if the book was queer, I'd reply with a laundry list of explicitly queer characters rather than saying yes

fuck that though lmao. this is a queer book. let me count the ways

1. found family

as found family is so important to many queer people - by connecting us to our community, by welcoming us when bio family casts us off - found family is central to REMARKABLE RETIREMENT. while there are queer romantic arcs, the found family is the most important relationship in the book.

2. queer labels

some characters get explicit labels. Benjamin is gay. Clem is ace. queer labels are important bc they give us the ability to describe our identities and experiences! however...

3. undefined queerness

while labels are important, queerness isn't about fitting into new boxes. it's about smashing the boxes apart.

even if characters don't have specific labels applied on-page, they're queer. they don't need to claim a specific label for that to be true.*

*caveat that some media avoids using labels to pander to queer audiences w/implied queerness without ~alienating~ cishets by stating "this character is Not Cishet"**

that's not what I mean

I mean e.g. in OFMD queerness is inherent even if WORDS like queer/ace/etc aren't used. OMitB is another example (specifically Mabel) and Good Omens is yet another.

**caveat to my caveat that some media is queer-coded & avoids queer labels rather than being explicitly queer because network execs or whoever won't allow explicit queerness.

this is not the fault of the creators. sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference.

but anyway.

in REMARKABLE RETIREMENT, several queer characters are queer without using specific labels.

in some cases this is bc it doesn't come up or isn't important to them to express in the moment. like Clem is bi, but she's not worried about being bi. she's worried about being ace, because she's still kind of questioning that about herself, and she's worried it might cause problems down the road if her crush is >:[ about her not wanting to have sex. so she uses the word "ace" to describe herself in this scene but not "bi," even though she's both.

in other cases it's bc they don't have the language. Kiernan's sense of attraction and desire is described in a way that seems graysexual or demisexual (or both), and Red's sense of desire is described in a way that seems ace-spec, but neither of them use those terms, because neither of them know those terms. despite the lack of terminology, many ace readers have identified multiple ace characters based on description or experience. the lack of a specific label doesn't make those characters less queer.

similarly, some characters have not yet had this realization about themselves. which leads us to...

4. questioning

okay, back to my first asterisk of the post.

Edna is by all appearances an old cishet woman.

for most of the story, that's how she seems. that's what SHE thinks, even. she's a cishet old grandma adopting every queer young person she can find.

BUT THEN

Clem explains aceness to her

and Edna has a brief crisis bc wait a minute this sounds like her??

ultimately, Edna has too much to worry about right now to spend time questioning whether, at the age of 83, she might be somewhere on the ace spectrum

so it doesn't come up again

but that moment of crisis is THERE, & that too is queer

5. queernormativity*

I write queernorm worlds, largely bc I viscerally hate coming out lmao

it doesn't mean everyone's a queer scholar

like Clem has to explain "ace" to Edna, bc Edna thinks blankly of a deck of cards & doesn't understand what that has to do with sex

but it DOES mean queer folks get to just be and do

*caveat that this is not remotely to imply that a story is less queer if its world ISN'T queernorm

it's just a way in which MY story is queer

6. all the queer characters

not gonna do a list (even though my original idea for Pride Month when I was young and optimistic and thought I'd have energy to do it way back when was a list of queer characters), but virtually every character in this book is queer in one way or another

on twitter this is where I ended because 6 seemed like a good number for Pride since June is the sixth month, but tumblr gets a bonus

7. the author is queer

happy pride, buy my queer book

#the remarkable retirement of edna fisher #e.m. anderson #e's writing #pride month #pride month books #queer book recs #book recs #fantasy books #indie author #2023 debuts #2023 books #queer is not a slur #adding that one simply bc I said 'queer' five hundred thousand times as well as cishet so just in case lol

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 year

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Hi sex witch, i realise that this is not an actual sex ed related question and I hope this isn't overstepping any bounds.

I'm sort of in a weird spot right now a la my sexuality and am trying to figure out if I actually want a relationship and if what I feel is romantic attraction or Friendship levelled up. I've known for a long time that I'm Demisexual or Ace, and I thought I knew that I still felt romantic attraction but now I'm less sure.

How did you come to realise that you were aromantic? In that discovery did you ever wonder if it was a sort of 'mental block' or something similar that would be better off working through? (I ask because I'm sort of stuck in that state of mind right now, and I'm just curious to see if it's a common experience or not)

I realise that this is a fairly sensitive topic, and I really don't mean offense by asking.

I also realise that no two people's experiences will be the same but I was interested in hearing about it from another person's perspective.

I hope you have a great day whether or not you give this ask the time of day.

I've asked you other things in the past and it's always been brilliantly helpful. Thanks a lot for everything you do.

hi anon,

no worries about overstepping boundaries :) this is a pretty reasonable thing to ask of someone, and I'm happy to talk about it!

there's a funny story that I tell about the moment I probably should have known, but didn't yet have the language. in sixth grade my class had an assignment that involved making a collage timeline of the rest of our lives (a proto-vision board of sorts) and I think I was the only kid in the class who didn't put getting married on my timeline. everyone else did, as far as I can remember, and most of them also included having kids. being a pedantic little fuck I pointed out to several of my friends that it was really unreasonable to assume they would find someone they liked enough to marry who liked them back, to which everyone told me (paraphrasing) to shut the fuck up and stop being a little bastard.

but it still seemed very strange to me, because even when I was very young - back when I barely had the language to conceptualize being gay, let alone aromantic - I never imagined my life with a romantic partner. romantic pairings were interesting in stories, sure, I ate that shit up from a very young age! the star-crossed lovers shit going on in American Dragon: Jake Long did a number on my developing brain, and my Barbies and Littlest Pet Shops got up to INSANE relationship drama, but for myself it never really felt, like, relevant? not unpleasant, just uninteresting.

but I still had crushes on people as I grew up, and more importantly I had crushes on people of various genders, so during my teen years I was WAY more preoccupied with repressing my burgeoning bisexuality than drawing any conclusions about my romantic orientation

spoilers: the bisexuality won.

in college I had a friend who identified as asexual at the time, who spent maybe a year trying to convince me that I was aromantic. and I didn't want to hear it! I don't know why, honestly; maybe some part of me, despite loving the community I had found coming into my queerness, was still subconsciously afraid of being too different and grappling with the consequences.

so instead I did this uuuuh real dirtbag thing where instead of just acknowledging to myself that I was pretty fundamentally uninterested in romantic relationships and that that's fine, I spent the first half of college leaning hard on self-deprecation to explain my single status. oh, me? why aren't I dating? well, I'd probably be a really bad partner. yeah, I suck. I mean, I'm so busy all the time! and I'm weird.

(at the time I know I definitely had friends who assumed I was Like That because my parents were divorced, which is hilarious old-fashioned and also categorically untrue. I was Like This way before my parents got divorced!)

it actually took a relationship ending pretty badly to make peace with the idea that maybe I didn't want a relationship at all. I won't get into the details on that, because it involves another person and we were both very young and accidentally hurt each other a lot in ways we didn't mean and I don't think anyone was the villain, but I don't want it to come across like I had one bad breakup and then swore off romance, a thing I'd previously been interested in, forever. it was more like I found myself in a really heightened situation - they really desperately needed a good and attentive romantic partner after getting out of a bad relationship, I wanted our friendship to stay exactly the same but with a sexual component - that made very, very obvious what I was actually looking for in non-platonic relationships. which was, I guess, actually pretty platonic relationships, but with genitals involved.

haha just kidding, I actually didn't get that part through my skull until I spent an entire summer crying constantly, dissociating frequently, and spending way too much time on BAD dates having even worse sex that made me feel gross! but we got there eventually.

that part probably isn't super relatable to you if you're somewhere in the ace realm, sorry about that.

anyway, once the dust settled and I felt halfway human again I was feeling vulnerable and open to change - finally willing to see myself in a new way and reckon with parts of myself that I hadn't been before. I remembered what my buddy had always said about me seeming Really Aromantic, and I let it settle on me. how would I feel, if I actually was aromantic? how would it change my life, how I thought about myself?

and if I can use a cliche with you? it felt like a weight rolling off my shoulders. I suddenly had a whole sturdy base to build a better understanding of myself on, an easy way to justify the way I lived that didn't require throwing myself under a bus.

thinking of myself through the lens of aromanticism felt like a huge, HUGE relief, and frankly I think that, more than anything, is the best way for anyone to decide if they should be applying any identity label to themselves. which brings us back to you! I actually don't believe in the model of sexuality and gender that posits a secret innate Right Answer buried in each person that they'll discover if the just find the right terminology. all of the words we use are the result of our time and place, right? people like us existed all through history with different words for themselves, and they'll exist way after us calling themselves things we can't imagine.

so basically: I came to realize I was aromantic because calling myself aromantic felt like loving myself, and if that's the case for you than I strongly recommend you do it, too.

happy pride xoxo

#queer stuff #aro #god i don't have an aro tag i'm a fake aromantic

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cowboyjen68 · 2 years

Note

Hi Jen! I recently turned 30 and have never been in a relationship

In highschool and university I was more focused on school and extracurricular activities, and relationships didn't interest me all that much. Looking back I think it was because I didn't realize I was a lesbian, and the idea of dating boys didn't seem appealing. And maybe others saw that, as I was never asked out (by any gender), and to my knowledge, no one ever took interest in me.

In my early-20s I became interested in dating once I figured out my sexuality, and tried a few dating apps and meeting new people. But nothing really came from it. I have zero experience in dating and flirting, and I have no idea what it's like to be romanced or flirted with. Just like in highschool and university, no one had ever asked me out or seem genuinely interested in me. The older I get and the more Valentine's day I see passing by as a single person, the less hopeful I feel.

It sounds silly and stupid, but I feel like I'm unlovable. Can't see a future where someone falls in love with me, and vice versa; it's so easy to just give up the hope that this loneliness will end.

I don't know what I'm asking for here - reassurance that I'm not alone in this? reassurance that I will be OK being alone? Are there others who went through similar situations and found happiness?

On a different topic: where did you get your rainbow frog necklace? I study frogs and have tried looking for that necklace everywhere.

Thank you so much!

The only dating I did in high school was with one boy whom I met at a campground one summer. He was perfect because I was not interested but also wanted to look like I liked boys. He lived about 40 minutes away and was a farm kid so our time together was very limited. It saved me from having to constantly make up excuses like “I am sick” or “I can’t kiss because I have a cold sore starting”. Any time we were together I ducked and dodged his advances and he was a gentleman about it, never pushing my boundaries.

In college I finally admitted I liked women but was nowhere near confident enough to come out. I dated one boy, on one date and never was asked again, by man or woman which was disheartening on some level BUT also a relief because I was having fun with my friends (who were all dating off and on) and was not ready for any sort of relationship. I definitely didn’t want a boy asking me and girls scared the hell out of me. I have been told by many of my older lesbian (and some younger) friends that being intimidated by women, especially those we find attractive or interesting, is normal and expected for many of us.

Lesbians are often way behind in dating etiquette and practice simply because we often don’t date in high school or college (at least not anyone we want to). We wait until young adulthood and independence to wade into the dating pool. Lacking dating or relationship experience seems more prevalent the older we are. But I have noticed some of the “in the middle” lesbians (30 to 40ish) are really struggling with finding each other, dating and feeling confident enough to ask others out. It seems a fair amount of my friends find themselves single after a long relationship (often their first serious one) in that age bracket OR are just now coming out as “late in life lesbian” and have no idea how to even get started.

I would say you are in good company no matter the reasons you haven’t been in a relationship. You could be dealing with any number of obstacles but the good news is you can handle them. You might be a bit intimidating, either from your stature or your confidence. You might be just limited in the amount of women you are exposed to therefore your dating pool is a bit stifled. Or you maybe just haven’t had the luck of meeting someone who was the right person at the right time.

As per usual I would suggest getting to lesbian/women events. Try women’s festivals or local concerts featuring women singers or entertainers. These events will attract a wide array of lesbians and bi women and at least you could meet some more like minded women. Just ask. If you see a woman at the gay bar or at a non profit fundraiser or at a concert, say hello and introduce yourself. At worst they aren’t interested and you have lost nothing but a minute. You might not end up on a date but you could make a new friend.

The beauty of women’s festivals is that almost everyone there is lesbian or bi (not all but for once we are in the majority). AND it is perfectly acceptable to meet and make friends and the more you expand your friend circle the better for you. Many women meet compatible partners through other friends.

Dating apps are an option. I can’t speak for them because I have not used one but I hear they are loaded with people looking for one night stands etc, which does not seem like what you are looking for at this stage in your life. So while they are an easy way to meet others looking to date you might have to wade through a lot of muck to find someone worthy of your time and energy.

It never hurts to ask friends to keep their eyes open. They might assume you are happily single and therefore don’t say anything but you never know who they know. You can do this and you will be fine. It just might take a little work putting yourself out there on social media, dating apps and at events.

The necklace was made for me by my friend Weird Dan who was an artist and leathersmith. IT had to be reconditioned with new leather and some repair on the beads over covid. My girlfriend at the time found this little frog charm so when the repair was done I had it placed in the center. I have not taken it off for years except for the repairs. You can google “frog charm” or “antique silver frog charm pendant” and some will come up. It is nothing expensive but I love it all the more because of who gave it to me.

Remember You deserve someone who has mutual passion and love for you. Don’t rush, don’t settle and be honest with yourself and you will be okay.

#lesbian #dating #inexperience #lonely

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proosh · 1 year

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post the meta op - @ludwigbeilschmidts (and tag me pls)

As requested, @ludwigbeilschmidts;

So it took me a bit to figure this out, but I've decided to approach this as a general analysis and brief overview from my perspective so you're going to have to forgive me for being a bit rambling lmao

(Cw for discussions of historical gender and misogyny)

One of the things that struck me when doing research that Prussia was, as a nation, pretty weird in its concept of gender. I’ll mostly be focusing on Frederican Prussia here because that has the most meat to chew on and is what I’m most familiar with:

Interpreting Gil as a trans dude (so much as the concept can be applied to an early modern context) puts him in such an interesting position re: the toxic hypermasculine chauvinism of the martial culture of Prussia, and especially the contemporary standards of manhood. Masculinity was a performance and a duty, and within Fritz’ personal circle it was explicitly homosocial, homoerotic, and homosexual — Fritz himself was a raging misogynist to the point he managed to alienate and offend potential allies into turning against him by being a crude and often cruel chauvinist.

It's an interesting point to note that FW1 (Fritz' father) and his brand of extremely austere, no-frills-attached masculinity was, as similar to "modern" misogyny as it is, an aberration for the time. In the 1700s masculinity was - at least in aristocratic circles - very much typified by "effete" homosociality, high levels of personal grooming and pomp, and a personal cultivation of interest in high arts and culture.

It’s that “performance” of masculinity that interests me re: HWS Prussia, and even if he were a cis man I do believe he would be operating under a sense of gender identity that would be foreign and register as “queer” to the modern reader. He’s a soldier so he performs his duty as is expected of him, and I feel like that echoes into the other elements of his identity: gender and sexuality.

Which brings me back to my preference for interpreting him as a trans man within the the context of what he represents and why I find it narratively fascinating and fulfilling — What does this mean for him? Where does Gilbert begin and end within the performance of duty and manhood of his nation? Does he find familiarity within the “effete”, homosocial structure of Frederican era masculinity, or does he prefer the later, stricter gendered lines? He knows he’s not a woman, but what makes him a man?

There’s something to be said about the contrast between the homoerotic manhood of the Enlightenment Era and the homosexual scandals of Imperial Germany but this post has gotten long enough already and I don’t think I’ve really said anything much at all in the first place.

There’s really so much to consider and I didn’t even touch on the neurotic and bizarre gendered fanaticism of the Knights (@makwandis would be a fantastic person to ask about this!), or the recurring Cassandras within Prussian folklore, the interpersonal dynamic of being Ludwig's creator (father, mother, brother), or the delirious genderfuck of the Weimar Republic. Maybe those posts will be written at a later date if people are interested.

Thank you so so so much for the ask, I hope I’ve managed to give you something to chew on, this is really one of my favourite topics ❤️

#hws prussia #mine #historical hetalia #i didn't cover everything because it would genuinely be a thesis level essay and this took me long enough already #from the askbox #my writing

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echonvoid · 8 months

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My version of the Poppy Playtime protagonist. They’re based on Aliens Ripley but if older. They couldn’t remember a whole bunch from the week or so around the Hour of Joy; they were attacked by Huggy and managed to make it right outside the front doors with the help of one of the other employees, who, valiantly (read *stupidly*) ran back inside to try to help. He never came back out. Anyway, Protag was found by paramedics, but the inside was empty of bodies by the time they got there. There was a shit load of blood, and after a brief scan by the cops, they just shut that shit down. They lost a couple cops and paramedics, but mostly used their instincts and ran. Like smart people who survive a horror movie.

So the protagonist ends up in a couple month long coma and comes out of it with a severed nerve that connects to their larynx. Now they haven’t been able to properly talk for 30 years (ignore my math, I’m still unsure how I fucked it up so bad)

I can’t decide if they’re late 50s or 60s. They’re farsighted, but their reading glasses have broke, so it’s really hard to see all the small faded text (which is why you can’t just read any ole file while playing)

They feel guilty bc they had been so proud to be a part of something with so much benefit and joy to kids, and now they’re finding out the actual *EVIL* that was happening to those with connection to the place. They feel guilty bc they feel like they should’ve known; *how could they have let this all happen right underneath their very nose*;etc. etc. they also have a burning hatred for the other managerial heads in the company (they themselves being head of toy production; their name is destroyed bc the prototype was enraged that one of the five main evils of the company got away or some shit like that)

It took them a while to figure out how to live and function without speech; and after a few years of slogging through a comphet (compulsory heteronormative) marriage, they finally went through a nasty divorce. Shortly after they figured out their own gender identity (or at least started the awkward process of) and their own sexuality.

Thirty years later (almost on the dot) they got the message and tape that cried for help from the factory and nearly shit themselves. Proto definitely assumed that the company had just shut down, cuz you know that the cops were paid to keep a building with almost 500 (or so) employees, that went missing and were presumably dead, under wraps from the public. They’re definitely super grateful they’ve been doing tumbling and martial arts classes, so they have been in incredible shape and can do all the crazy shit required to stay alive.

Edit: this is what I’m gonna call the Survivor AU cuz I realize that the game takes place in 2005 and not, like, 2025. And we apparently played hooky during the “hour of joy” in canon lore. Oh well

God this chapter fucked me up, in a good way. It was spooky as fuck, tense and terrifying; they’ve super upped the quality. But now I have just enough brain rot and characters to attach to to actually go through and draw up the design that’s been banging around in my head for ever.

#poppy playtime #poppy playtime chapter 3 #the protagonist #the protagonist poppy playtime #fanart #poppy playtime fanart #the protagonist fanart #disabled headcanon #damn I love ripley from aliens #the fight between her and the xenomorph queen is a big inspiration for this #nonbinary #possibly canon nonbinary character #the brainrot is real #chapter 3 is actually damn unnerving #poppy’s angel #survivor au #the hour of joy

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asexualsandbox · 2 years

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Made my own OC Character charts! I was up SUUUUPER late last night cause my brain just told me to figure out one of my ocs whole backstory. Turned out good tho, I will give my incredibly sleep deprived brain that

Here's the story of,

Xavier Alexander

TW for Mentions of Abuse, Scars, Eating Disorders, Extreme Violence

Born on Wednesday, March 7, 1973

Zodiac Sign: Pisces ♓️

Sexuality: Bisexual

Gender: Cisgender Male

Pronouns: he/him

Nicknames: Curse-Breaker (Used by Andre, Skye and Rakepick), Pip (Used by Jacob), Hero (used by Penny), My Prince (Talbott)

Likes: Reading, Tea, Learning, Crystals, his friends, his boyfriend, Adventure, Playing and/or listening to Music, Storms, Quidditch, Alone Time

Dislikes: Mess, his Scars, Arguing, Gossip, Flashing lights, Queerbaiting, Overhearing something you can’t unhear

Phobias: Achluophobia: Fear of darkness, Aichmophobia: Fear of needles or pointed objects, Angrophobia: Fear of anger, Ataxophobia: Fear of disorder or untidiness, Ecophobia: Fear of the home, Encavmaphobia: Fear of getting burned, Nyctophobia: Fear of the dark, Fear of adults (can't find a specific name for this one)

Home Life

Xavier's home life is very poor. For all his life his mother, Hanna, has been crazy and abusive. Before his disappearance in 1979, Xavier's father Harris took the brunt of his wife's abuse for the sake of his children. After he vanished Hanna began taking her anger out on her two children. When Jacob was at school Xavier unfortunately was left by himself to deal with his mothers rage. After Jacob's disappearance in 1981 his mother became more cruel and violent. Hanna suffers from mild cognitive impairment or MCI and psychopathy. Due to her psychotic nature and her MCI she tends to either overfeed or starve her son, either on accident or on purpose. Xavier has an extremely unhealthy relationship with food due to his mothers abuse. Early after he was left alone with her the abuse tended to be more verbal than physical. In later years she became increasingly violent with Xavier leaving him with many scars. Most are small and have faded but 2 stand out. One on his right hand, a straight long scar on the top and palm of his hand, caused by a knife being jammed through. The injury left permanent damage to his ligaments and tendons, leaving him with limited mobility. He always wears a fingerless glove on that hand. The other is a large burn on his right shoulder blade caused by an electric steam clothing iron. These incidents left him with phobias of sharp and hot objects. One day his life completely changed. After his forth year, during his summer vacation his mother became extremely enraged and brutally beats Xavier. He is left with multiple broken bones, including 3 ribs and his left ankle, a broken nose, black eye, and lacerations and brusing all over his body. Despite the immense pain he was in he managed to hobble away from home. He walked, or more hobbled, 2 miles to a bridge nearby that got little traffic. His plan was to end his life. He was tired of the abuse. Tired of being scared. Tired of living a life where he only felt safe at school. Next to the ledge the boy broke down and sobbed on the ground. The pause gave him just enough time though. Luckily for Xavier, three of his friends were hanging out that day. Those friends were Penny Haywood, Tulip Karasu and Liz Tuttle. They spotted him on the bridge and quickly rushed over. Penny knelt down in front of him and managed to calm him down enough to get him to look at her. At that moment she noticed his black eye and quickly pressed him for details. It took some time and convincing but he eventually told them what had happened, he never did tell them why he came to the bridge. They got a hold of Penny's mom who had dropped off the girls earlier to come get them as fast as possible to get Xavier to the hospital. There they called the Ministry of Magic and they sent people from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement (DMLE). After they spoke with him they opened an investigation on his mother. She quickly fled and the DMLE has yet to find her. Xavier, with no living relatives he's aware of, stays with Penny and her family as they come up with a permanent household to place him in. He has currently started his Fifth year at Hogwarts. The only people who know of what happened are the friends who found him and Albus Dumbledore. He lives in constant fear of his mother showing up at school. Dumbledore has people all over Hogwarts looking out for Hanna in case she ever shows up. He is doing his best to focus on finding his brother and learning about the Cursed Vaults. He keeps his mind occupied with school and his friends which helps. He struggles with night terrors while he's alone so he tends to stay with his boyfriend, Talbott. CPS checks in with him regularly.

School Life

Xavier's school life is much better than his home. He adore attending Hogwarts and throws himself into his studies. Other than learning spells and what not, he spends his days searching for his brother Jacob. He heard whispers from other students that Jacob has been seen. The secret to finding him is to break curses that took over the school due to his brother meddling with the Cursed Vaults. Every year he has been tasked with finding these Vaults and breaking the curse. As strenuous as the task is, he is happy to do it. Not only for his own sense of adventure, but to make sure Jacob is alright. He also spends his time mingling with his many friends. His closest friends being Rowan, Penny and Talbott. He's often seen in the Great Hall surrounded by his friends, eating sandwiches and sharing stories or testing each others knowledge. You may also find him in the courtyard either playing a heated game of Gobstones or sharing a quiet romantic picnic with Talbott. He's also known to frequent the Three Broomsticks, throwing back a few rounds of Butterbeer! As for his studies, loves spending his free time learning. He tends to always be in the Potions Room, mixing Potions he's learned or experimenting with what Snape allows. Speaking of Snape! Xavier is a huge fan of the grouch, despite his bad reputation. Well at first he wasn't. He was terrified of the man at first, so were most students. But after showing such an interest in mixing Potions and than excelling in the subject, Snape grew quite fond of him, slowly. Very slowly. He started treating Xavier a bit better than his other students. Praising him more often than not. Xavier often stays long after class and the two spend time mixing and experimenting with potions together. Snape has become somewhat of a mentor to Xavier. And, though he'd never admit it, a father figure. Along side his studies, Xavier is also a talented Quidditch player. He's new to the team but has already shown incredible skill on the field. He currently is playing as a chaser but is willing to learn every position.

Attended Hogwarts on Saturday September 1, 1984

Set to Graduate on Wednesday, June 12, 1991

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Head of House: Filius Flitwick

Favorite Subject: Potions

Favorite Teacher: Serverus Snape

Least Favorite Subject: Transfiguration

Least Favorite Teacher: Cuthbert Binns

Family

Mother: Hanna Alexander

Born Sunday, November 16, 1941

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio ♏️

Relationship: Abusive

Hanna's School Life

Attended Hogwarts on Monday, September 1, 1952

Graduated Hogwarts on Friday, June 12, 1959

Father: Peregrine Alexander

Born on , Wednesday December 6, 1939

Dissappeared on Monday, April 2, 1979

Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius ♐️

Relationship: Positive but strained

Peregrine's School Life

Attended Hogwarts on Friday, September 1, 1950

Graduated Hogwarts on Wednesday, June 12, 1957

Brother: Jacob Alexander

Born on Thursday, April, 11 1963

Zodiac Sign: Aries ♈️

Relationship: Positive

Jacob's School Life

Attended Hogwarts on Sunday, September 1, 1974

Expelled and Dissappeared on Friday, March 6, 1981

Boyfriend: Talbott Winger

Born on Friday, September 1, 1972

Zodiac Sign: Virgo ♍️

Relationship: Very Positive

Talbott's School Life

Attended Hogwarts on Saturday September 1, 1984

Set to Graduate on Wednesday, June 12, 1991

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Head of House: Filius Flitwick

#my art #my artwork #my art stuff #art #digital drawing #digital painting #digital art #my oc #hogwarts mystery #hogwarts mystery oc #Xavier Alexander #ravenclaw #tw mentions of abuse #tw extreme violence #tw scars #tw eatting disorders

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