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silky-stories · 3 years

Note

Whitty having a nightmare about accidentally killing his s/o and reader comforting him with cuddles? 👀

Sure thing! Sorry for the wait by the way, the ask ended up glitching and disappeared for the longest time ^^;;

Hope this turned out alright!

———————————————————————

Too Dangerous {Whitty/Reader}

Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Words: 1788

Related Song: sagun - I’ll Keep You Safe (feat. Shiloh) https://youtu.be/7ly7Mhle-4M

Summary: Whitty is scared of losing control and hurting his partner, thankfully his partner is a magician and knows how to make all of his worries disappear.

Disclaimer/s: Death, blood, small description of dead body, a bit of swearing, crying and panic attacks

Notes: (Please read) The start is pretty graphic and may be hard to read for some people, so there’s a double line down further that you can scroll to if you want to skip that part. It gets happy though, don’t worry :)! Also Whitty’s dialogue is in orange, Y/n’s is in blue!

———————————————————————

Numb.

That’s how he always felt after this happened.

After he lost his cool.

After he lost himself.

After his body gave in and combusted into the hot red plumes of rage, engulfing and ripping his body apart in one swift action.

...

After he exploded.

It never took long for his body to piece itself back together, for his pieces to come back and connect and rejoin one another, allowing his mind and consciousness to slowly but surely become clearer.

It was like puzzle pieces, all eventually finding their place as the picture that was his senses to come together, becoming complete once more.

None of this was new to him, he had experienced it many times before.

Only... something was wrong this time.

His vision was still very blurry, but he could make out a few colours, red being the most prominent.

He had never felt especially impatient to regain his senses, but the further along his accelerated recovery was, the more his half healed subconscious screamed that something bad had happened.

It wasn’t until he regained his sense of smell back that he started panicking.

The thick smell of copper and rust that cut through the air quickly invaded his lungs, violating his airways with the essence of metal and death.

Maybe it was the familiarity that scared him the most but...

He knew the smell of blood all too well.

The red he saw was immediately more violent and harsh than it seemed to be before, he stumbled closer to the scene with eyes only partially focused.

His legs still lacked most of the feeling in them, but he managed.

He needed to see what it was, he needed to know who it was. The speed that his blood rushed through his body only sped up his recovery as the picture finally came together.

...

He couldn’t keep his footing as he finally made out what laid before him.

You.

Your bleeding, broken form laid still on the concrete.

He couldn’t move.

Couldn’t think.

Couldn’t breathe.

...

He was trying to breathe.

Why couldn’t he breathe?

...

Suddenly everything hurt. His head hurt. His eyes hurt. His hands hurt. His body screamed in agony and grief at the loss of one of the few people that cared. One of the few that loved him.

What could he do now though?

You were dead.

He had killed you.

It was his fault.

It was all his fault.

It was-

———————————————————————

Whitty’s eyes snapped open as he hastily sucked in a gasp of air.

He laid there, motionless, greedily filling his lungs with the oxygen that his unconscious mind believed so strongly that he had been deprived of.

He could hear how shaky his breaths were despite the numbness, he was practically hyperventilating as he gave the ceiling a wide-eyed stare.

His form felt frozen in place as images from his dream flashed in front of his open eyes like a movie.

His stillness was disturbed only when you shifted beside him, he flinched, quite violently actually, as your head bumped into his arm.

The groan and words that came from you were his first indication that he shouldn’t have done that.

You were up.

Shit.

“Whitty..? Are you... mmph, are you alright?” You yawned as you propped yourself up in bed beside him, taking a moment to rub the sleep out of your eyes so you could look at him.

When you opened your eyes you saw that he had flinched back from laying down into a sitting up position. He was staring down at you, being the skyscraper that he was. Although there was only one thing that stood out to you, sobering you up from your sleep-drunk state.

“Y... y-yeah sorry I uh... didn’t mean to wake you u-”

“Wait, why are you crying?”

He paused, only now noticing the dark and warm trails that trickled down his face. He was quick to look away to try to wipe them out of existence, the concern on your face had only deepened when he looked back.

“It’s really nothing you... you don’t... don’t have to worry... about me... s-sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

He was a mess and couldn’t piece together a sentence to save his life at the moment but he hoped it would be at least slightly convincing.

He really shouldn’t have thought that.

You very clearly weren’t convinced as you gingerly took hold of his upper arms and guided him to you, leaning back and wrapping his arms around your body as you followed suit with your arms around him.

He wanted to protest, he wanted to further reassure you that he was fine and let you go back to sleep so you didn’t have to deal with his emotional baggage at three in the morning. When he looked up at your patient but distressed expression though, made contact with those eyes that told him that he wouldn’t be judged for whatever it was that had upset him... he just couldn’t hold it in.

It started with tears silently starting to flow again as he pressed his face into your abdomen to hide them, his body starting to tremble in your embrace. It didn’t take very long for him to break into choked sobs, gripping at the t-shirt you had worn to bed like it was his last lifeline.

“Oh Whitty... I’m here, everything’s alright...”

You had no idea what it was that had upset him yet, but the need to console him was intense and immediate. Your hands moved to the positions that had worked before, one on the back of his head and one on his back. Small circular motions were what you started with on his back, gently caressing his head with your other hand as you allowed him the time he needed to vent out his emotions.

This went on for around ten minutes. You didn’t really care, you weren’t watching the clock.

He had stopped crying within the first five, but it took another five minutes to regulate his breathing. Now he was breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth, the way you had showed him to before when he needed help to calm down.

You continued to console him through actions, waiting to see if he would initiate the conversation you knew he was ready for now.

He turned his head to the side while still keeping his grip on your torso, he looked exhausted.

“...Y/n?”

You were glad you waited.

“Yes?”

“Do you ever think that I’m...”

You didn’t try to push him to finish his sentence, you knew he just needed a moment to get his words straight.

“...too dangerous to be around?”

You didn’t want to ask, you really didn’t, but you needed the context if you wanted to help him feel better.

“In what way?”

His expression soured as he glared at nothing from across the room.

“There’s a reason why there’s people after me, Y/n...”

Oh.

He meant himself being who he was that dangerous.

Well that just wouldn’t do.

“Oh Whitty, why would I think that?”

“Because I fucking am!”

His sudden outburst didn’t frighten you, you had gotten used to them a long time ago.

“I’m unpredictable and can’t control myself sometimes! What will happen if you’re around me when I lose control? Human bodies can’t piece themselves back together Y/n!”

You kept silent as you took in everything he said, committing it all to memory since you knew that these were valid concerns and he needed to lay them all out if he wanted to address them.

“I love you... so damn much... but I’d rather be on the other side of the world if I knew that it would protect you from me!”

He moved to look up at you, the fear in his eyes was heartbreaking.

“I couldn’t... I couldn’t live with myself if I knew that it was me that... that killed you...”

There it was, the heavy statement that served as a queue for you to speak, you could see the anticipation in his eyes. It was peculiar actually, the look he held, it was like he was expecting you to agree with everything he just said and run or something...

You tightened your embrace around him to stamp that thought out of existence.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, you know?”

“I... huh?”

“I’ve seen the amount of times that you’ve been close to losing it, I know how hard it can be to stay in control.”

He couldn’t hold contact with your eyes, the amount of pure love and care for him was overwhelming after all the fear and desperation that he had just given in return.

“But I’ve also seen how much better you’ve gotten at keeping control.”

That was a surprise to him, but you knew that he would know what you were talking about if you gave some examples.

“Remember the guy in the grocery store? You looked like you wanted to rip his head off, and I didn’t blame you.”

You chuckled at the memory of the guy that decided to try to argue why the two of you shouldn’t be together since you were human and he wasn’t. The man was frustrating and made no sense at all, but Whitty’s fuse didn’t even spark, he didn’t lose himself to anger. He gave the guy the sharpest glare he’s ever done, told him to ind his own damn business, and then lightly took your hand and continued on.

His show of restraint was impressive to say the very least.

“You’ve been getting really good with controlling yourself, and we’re still working on it too. I’m not scared of you and definitely don’t plan on going to the other side of the world.”

Your grin was infectious, he hated and loved how infectious your grin was as he tried to stifle the small smile working it’s way up onto his face.

“I’m so proud of how hard you’ve been trying to keep control of yourself, and I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”

He... he let himself smile after that.

“I don’t deserve you...”

“And you’re clearly overtired since you’re just saying nonsense now.”

He chuckled, it was hoarse and faint but it was a wonderful sound.

“Really though, let’s try and get you back to sleep, okay?”

He pushed himself up further on the bed and carefully intertwined his body with yours, breathing out a sigh as he buried his face in your hair.

“I love you...”

“I love you too.”

#whitty x reader #fnf whitty x reader #whitty #fnf whitty #whitmore #angst #fluff #hurt/comfort #x reader #self insert #oneshot #request #i wonder what literally blowing up feels like though #i mean i’m not gonna TEST IT but y’know

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maxwell-grant · 3 years

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What are your thoughts on Jekyll/Hyde and his archetype of the human periodically changing into a monster ?

Jekyll & Hyde was the 2nd horror story I read following Frankenstein, I got it off the same library and it always stuck very strongly with me even before I got into horror in general. I even dressed up as Jekyll/Hyde as a kid for a school fair by shredding a lab coat on one side and asking my sister to make-up claw gashes on my exposed arm and paint half of my face, although in hindsight I think I ended up looking more like Doctor Two-Face than Jekyll/Hyde, but I was 12 and didn't have any Victorian clothing to use so I had to make do. The first film project I tried doing at film school was intended to be a modern take on Jekyll & Hyde, and I didn't get much farther than a couple of discarded scripts

Much like Frankenstein, Mr Hyde as a character and a story is something that's kind of baked into everything I do artistically. And it's not just me, as even in pop culture itself, none of us can escape Mr Hyde. I would go so far as to argue Mr Hyde may be the single most significant character created by victorian fiction, if only by the sheer impact and legacy the character's had.

(Fan-art by guilhermefranco)

Part of what makes Mr Hyde such a powerful and lasting icon of pop culture is that the very premise of the book invites a personal reading that's gonna vary from person to person. Because everyone's familiar with the basic twist of the story, that it's a conflict of duality, of the good and evil sides, but everyone has a more personal idea of what those entail. Some people make the story more about class. A lot of readings laser-focus on sex and lust as the driving force, and there's also a lot of readings of Mr Hyde that tackle it to explore a more gendered perspective, and so forth.

I don't particularly take much notice of the Jekyll & Hyde adaptations partially because the novel's premise and themes have become baked so throughly into pop culture and explored in so many different and interesting ways, that I'm not particularly starving for good Jekyll & Hyde adaptations the way I am for Dracula and Frankenstein. The Fredric March film in particular is one that orbits my head less because of the film itself (although I do recommend it), but because of one specific scene, and that's when Jekyll first transforms into Hyde on screen.

Out of all the things they could have shown him doing right that second, they instead took the time to show him enjoying the rain.

Just Hyde taking off his hat and letting it all cascade on his face with this sheer enthusiasm like he's never been to the rain before, never enjoyed it before, and now that he's free from being Jekyll, he gets to enjoy life like he never has before. It's such an oddly humanizing moment to put amidst a horror movie, in the scene where you're ostensibly introducing the monster to the audience, and it makes such a stark contrast to the rest of the film where Hyde is completely irredeemable, but I think it's that contrast that makes the film's take on Hyde work so well even with it's diverging from the source material, even if I don't particularly like in general interpretations of Hyde that are focused on a sexual aspect.

Because one, it understands that Jekyll was fundamentally a self-serving coward and not a paragon of goodness, and two, it also understands one of the things that makes Hyde scary: He wants what all of us want, to live and be happy. He's happy when he leaves the lab and dances around in the rain like a giddy child, he's happy when he goes to places Jekyll couldn't dream of showing up, he's happy as a showgirl-abusing sexual predator. Hyde is all wants, all the time, and there's not that much difference between his wants, his domineering possessiveness, and the likes exhibited by Muriel's father and Jekyll's own within the very same film, which also works to emphasize one of the other ideas of the original story, that Edward Hyde doesn't come from nowhere. That no monster is closer to humanity than Mr Hyde, because he is us. He is the thing that Jekyll refused to take responsability for until it was too late.

(Art by LorenzoMastroianni)

While many of the ideas that defined Mr Hyde had already been explored in pop culture beforehand, Hyde popularized and redefined many of them in particular by modernizing the idea. He was the werewolf, the doppelganger, The Player On The Other Side, except he came from within. He was not transformed by circumstance, he made himself that way, and the elixir merely brought out something already inside his soul. To acknowledge that he's there is to acknowledge that he is you, and to not do that is to either lose to him, or perish. Hyde was there to address both the rot settling in Victorian society as well as grappling concerns over Darwinian heritage, of the realization that man has always had the beast inside of him (it's no accident that Hyde's main method of murder is by clubbing people to death with his cane like a caveman).

I've already argued on my post about Tarzan that the Wild Man archetype, beginning with Enkidu of The Epic of Gilgamesh, is the in-between man and beast, between superhero and monster, and that Mr Hyde is an essential component of the superhero's trajectory, as the creature split in between. That stories about dual personalities, doppelgangers, the duality of the soul, the hero with a day job and an after dark career, you can pinpoint Hyde as a turning point in how all of these solidified gradually in pop culture. And I've argued otherwise that The Punisher, for all that his image and narrative points otherwise, is ultimately just as much of a superhero as the rest of them, even if no one wants to admit it, drawing a parallel between The Punisher and Mr Hyde. And he's far from the only modern character that can invite this kind of parallel.

The idea of a regular person periodically or permanently transforming into, or revealing itself to be, something extraordinary and fantastic and scary, grappling with the divide it causes in their soul, and questions whether it's a new development or merely the truest parts of themselves coming to light at last, and the effects this transformation has for good and bad alike. The idea of a potent, dangerous, unpredictable enemy who ultimately is you, or at least a facet of you and what you can do. That these are bound to destroy each other if not reconciled with or overcome.

You know what are my thoughts on the archetype of "human periodically changing into a monster" are? Look around you and you're gonna see the myriad ways The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde's themes have manifested in the century and a half since the story's release. Why it shouldn't be any surprise whatsoever that Mr Hyde has become such an integral part of pop culture, in it's heroes and monsters alike. Why we can never escape Mr Hyde, just as Jekyll never could.

It is Nixon himself who represents that dark, venal and incurably violent side of the American character that almost every country in the world has learned to fear and despise. Our Barbie-doll president, with his Barbie-doll wife and his boxful of Barbie-doll children is also America's answer to the monstrous Mr. Hyde.

He speaks for the Werewolf in us; the bully, the predatory shyster who turns into something unspeakable, full of claws and bleeding string-warts on nights when the moon comes too close… - Hunter S. Thompson

There is a scene in the movie Pulp Fiction that explains almost every terrible thing happening in the news today. And it's not the scene where Ving Rhames shoots that guy's dick off. It's the part where the hit man played by John Travolta is talking about how somebody vandalized his car, and says this:

"Boy, I wish I could've caught him doing it. I'd have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It'd been worth him doing it, just so I could've caught him doing it."

That last sentence is something everyone should understand about mankind. After all, the statement is completely illogical -- revenge is supposed to be about righting a wrong. But he wants to be wronged, specifically so he'll have an excuse to get revenge. We all do.

Why else would we love a good revenge movie? We sit in a theater and watch Liam Neeson's daughter get kidnapped. We're not sad about it, because we know he's a badass and he finally has permission to be awesome. Not a single person in that theater was rooting for it to all be an innocent misunderstanding. We wanted Liam to be wronged, because we wanted to see him kick ass. It's why so many people walk around with vigilante fantasies in their heads.

Long, long ago, the people in charge figured out that the easiest and most reliable way to bind a society together was by controlling and channeling our hate addiction. That's the reason why seeing hurricane wreckage on the news makes us mumble "That's sad" and maybe donate a few bucks to the Red Cross hurricane fund, while 9/11 sends us into a decade-long trillion-dollar rage that leaves the Middle East in flames.

The former was caused by wind; the latter was caused by monsters. The former makes us kind of bummed out; the latter gets us high.

It's easy to blame the news media for pumping us full of stories of mass shootings and kidnapped children, but that's stopping one step short of the answer: The media just gives us what we want. And what we want is to think we're beset on all sides by monsters.

The really popular stories will always feature monsters that are as different from us as possible. Think about Star Wars -- what real shithead has ever referred to himself as being on "the dark side"? In Harry Potter and countless fantasy universes, you have wizards working in "black magic" and the "dark arts." Can you imagine a scientist developing some technology for chemical weapons or invasive advertising openly thinking of what he does as "dark science"? Can you imagine a real world leader naming his headquarters "The Death Star" or "Mount Doom"?

Of course not. But we need to believe that evil people know they're evil, or else that would open the door to the fact that we might be evil without knowing it. I mean, sure, maybe we've bought chocolate that was made using child slaves or driven cars that poisoned the air, but we didn't do it to be evil -- we were simply doing whatever we felt like and ignoring the consequences. Not like Hitler and the bankers who ruined the economy and those people who burned the kittens -- they wake up every day intentionally dreaming up new evils to create. It's not like Hitler actually thought he was saving the world.

So no matter how many times you vote to cut food stamps and then use the money to buy a boat, you could still be way worse. You could, after all, be one of those murdering / lazy / ignorant / greedy / oppressive monsters that you know the world is full of, and that only your awesome moral code prevents you from turning into at any moment. And those monsters are out there.

They have to be. Because otherwise, we're the monsters - 5 Reasons Humanity Desperately Wants Monsters To Be Real, by Jason Pargin

(Two-Face sequence comes from the end of Batman Annual #14: Eye of the Beholder)

For good or bad, Hyde has become omnipresent. He's a part of our superheroes, he's a part of our supervillains, he's in our monsters. He lives and prattles in our ears, sometimes we need him to survive, and sometimes we become Hyde even when we don't need to, because our survival instincts or base cruelties or desperation brings out the worst in us. Sometimes we can beat him, and sometimes he's not that bad. Sometimes we do need to appease him and listen to what he says, about us and the world around us. And sometimes we need to do so specifically to prove him wrong and beat him again.

But he never, ever goes away, as he so accurately declares in the musical

Do you really think That I would ever let you go...

Do you think I'd ever set you free?

If you do, I'm sad to say It simply isn't so

You will never get away FROM MEEEEEE

(Art by Akreon on Artstation)

#tw: injury #tw: blood #tw: disfigurement #replies tag #dr jekyll and mr hyde #the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde #robert louis stevenson #two-face #batman #monster tag #universal monsters #horror tag

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fallout-drabbles-n-stuff · 3 years

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Lately, everything has been terrible and stressful can I please get some fluff between sole and a married romanced companion doing married couple stuff?

(Heyy, I recognize you from my Skyrim blog! Hope everything starts getting better, whatever is going on)

(This is one of those things where if ya'll want a little drabble with a specific character..just ask! This may be more of a romantic fluff thing because i don't really know how to specifically make it about them being married //although I am thinking of writing wedding Headcanons// but you get the gist.))

Cait:

•She never thought she would ever find herself here. Surely, she thought, she would've been beaten to death or overdosed before love ever would've been in the cards. So, it would be a vast understatement to say she's sometimes at a loss for words when she looks at you. Her wife/husband..damn that felt good.

•Often times you are privileged to the more tender side of Cait, the side of her that allows her to be completely at ease. During these times, she'll allow you to kiss some of her scars- her face flushing a furious red similar to one of her hair. She usually isn't the sappy type, but if you tell her that you love them as much as you love her..cue the waterworks.

•It's maybe not the romantic gesture, but she finds herself consistently sharpening your knives when you aren't around- placing them back in your knapsack before you get home. Partially accredited to her want for your safety and otherwise well being.

•If you have long enough hair, she sometimes will braid it in one of those fancy four strand braids..you know..to keep it out of your face for combat.

•Bunch of nights spent on the roof of red rocket sipping crappy warm beer but neither of you caring, much too invested in each other's presence to be picky.

Curie:

•She keeps a very strict journaling of her research records...she also keeps one detailing every little aspect of you that she loves. She isn't exactly sure why she started doing this, but..it quickly becomes a post-war like scrapbook of the two of you. The biggest picture with tons of little hearts around it is the one of the two of you on your wedding day.

•You can sometimes find her uncontrollably grinning whenever she takes off her lab gloves and sees her wedding ring. She doesn't dare ever take it off.

•The second you get sick she is there by your side, the whole "in sickness" part of her vows surely weren't just for tradition.

Danse:

•Just as you wear his, Danse never parts with your dog tags. Between them and his ring, they may as well be a part of him. Danse also has your initials engraved on the gauntlets of his power armour.

•Danse is surprisingly physically affectionate. As such, there are many instances where your ever so serious husband will stop you, running his thumb over your cheek before randomly giving you a chaste kiss. Afterwards he almost always follows the action up with something along the lines of "I'll never understand how I've became lucky enough to be able to call you mine."

•Enjoys you keeping him company when he works on power armour or weapons. Even if you have no skill in blacksmithing, he will insist that you join him. Just imagine it- a warm wasteland afternoon, Dogmeat laying out in the sun, some tune playing over the radio while a sweaty, tank top wearing Danse getting you to mod weapons with him.

Deacon:

•Deacon easily becomes very protective over you, who can blame him? His luck with marriage hasn't been the best...but then again..neither has your's. The more serious side of your relationship will always be the lingering fear of losing each other..it's good enough to make you hold each other closer at night.

•Late night snack breaks while the radio plays and the two of you dance around together is a must have for each night.

•You two are now formally known as the only married couple of the Railroad. Congrats.

Gage:

•Totally has gotten a tattoo of your name. Let's face it, you probably have one of his as well.

•Loves spoiling you as much as he possibly can without crossing the line as your "right-hand" man. Gangs can't know too much. Well, they already know you're married..but you know..

•Doesn't drink very often, matter of fact he used to despise it. However, he soon sees the merriment in it via drunken antics with just you in your own privacy. Oh, expanding upon this..it's sort of a morning ritual for the two of you to watch the sunrise and drink some nuka-quantum to get the day going.

Hancock:

•The people of Goodneighbor view the two of you like some cool political power couple. It's neat. With that reputation also comes your husband seeking your counsel in political matters, let's just face it, he sometimes needs some guidance on how to be more strict without breaking his "code".

•Serves as a wonderful listener. I know, bare minimum- but seriously, he is incredibly wise when it comes to everyday strife. Plus, there isn't anyone else he'd rather listen to than his sweet sunshine.

•Often presents you with lavish gifts that you probably don't want to know where he got the funds for. Doesn't matter.

Macready:

•He probably will have warned you a thousand times over before marriage but by marrying you, Duncan has to come into the big picture. So, marrying Mac means adopting yourself another little one and becoming your own perfect family.

•As such, a lot of the fluffier times have to do with all of you bonding. Be it making some strange wasteland alternative to pancakes in the morning or going out together to go shoot cans off the fence- life is pretty good.

•Mac becomes at ease whenever he feels completely secure. This will bleed over into every aspect of him, meaning you'll often times find him being less awkward with flirting with you and he also isn't as guarded.

Maxson:

•Although the two of you both uphold your duties to a tee, you always make sure to have time dedicated to the two of you. Regarding this, Arthur is completely in awe during the first few months of your marriage. He knew he wanted you, he just didn't ever imagine it would happen like this, plus being such a young newlywed surely puts an extra pep in his step.

•On some of the off days where he can just have you all to himself: he likes to play chess, take walks, and simply cuddle the hours away.

•I also believe it's worth mentioning that Arthur occasionally leaves you heartfelt love letters around where you'll get them. So even in the days he can't spend devoted to you, at least you'll have that.

Nick:

•Slow dancing? Oh hell yes. Slow dances in the agency to songs like "Easy Living" are a common occurrence for the two of you.

•You'll never doubt how much he loves you, I can guarantee that much. Nick is nothing if not a romantic.

Piper:

•Date nights spent enjoying some power noodles as she screws with the robot vendor.

•Also a repeat offender of leaving love notes for you to find. Only she gets embarrassed if you bring them up. She's happy you like them, but..don't say anything.

•Nat is also a part of the family. Just so you know!

Preston:

•Regularly finds himself admiring you, not in the strictly surface way either. He just can't get over how wonderful you've made his life from the moment you entered it.

•Garvey loves taking you for some safe wasteland foraging, maybe not the most splendid married couple outing but, eh, it works!

X6-88:

•If given the opportunity, he'll sometimes play some songs for you if you happen to find a piano that still functions.

•The whole "married" thing sometimes confuses him. He loves you, but is he supposed to treat you any differently? Probably not- but he still wonders every once in a while

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keilemlucent · 4 years

Text

fuck me happy

(r18+)

dabi x reader

ao3

word count: 3.6k

You couldn’t fuck someone into happiness, but it did take the edge off with him. Being fucked and shown that you were a being worthy of care rather than just an object was not close to a cure, but damn, was it a reminder.

warnings: hurt/comfort smut, sad reader, soft gooey dabi, dom/sub undertones if you squint

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just some fluffy ass, feel good, but feel a lil sad type of smut. please 2 not attempt to fuck away your depression, just read and enjoy :’^)

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Dabi smelt like cigarettes, wood-smoke and cheap incense. It was an intoxicating cologne that you’d long been conditioned into thinking was the hottest smell in the world. Like, drop your panties and bend over the nearest surface and let him rail you without a single question asked.

Not that day, though.

Despite the fact you heard the apartment door open, you didn’t so much as greet Dabi. Your mind felt muddy and slow, addled with things you didn’t want to think about it. It was easier to burrow in blankets, clutching a pillow and pretend it would go away.

The bedroom door creaked open, light spilling in from the hallway.

“Aw, napping? Cute.” Dabi’s smoke-burned voice drawled. You were very awake, but you didn’t have it in you to tell him otherwise.

You felt the bed shift, one of his hands falling over your hip through the covers. The gesture was comforting, but it hardly helped to unknot the pressure in your chest. You rubbed your wet face on the pillow in your arms.

“Hi,” Your voice was small, muffled by the covers held over your head.

Dabi hummed, rubbing slowly at your waist and thighs. You twitched.

“I didn't think you were awake,” Dabi hummed, pausing. “Are you trying to sleep?”

“Nope.”

You hated how your words clipped. You really, really appreciated Dabi being there, you just didn’t know how to move or think correctly. You just felt like shit. You wanted to stew in your shit and self-hatred until it was a little more bearable. “Just feeling bad.”

Dabi wasn’t one to ask questions, not unless you started talking. For how much he monologued, he also could listen when given the opportunity. Though, you weren’t much for talking. Dabi had seen you like this before, and he knew enough of you to proceed somewhat gingerly.

His weight shifted from the bed, rustling sounding from around the room. You heard the unzipping of his boots, the heavy sound of his jacket dropping to the carpet. You sniffled. You hated being this pathetic, unable to face someone you were supposed to trust, but it was inevitable sometimes.

The comforter was peeled away, his familiar, strong scent nearly burning your nose. Part of your brain got at least a little suggestive, but most of it was just comfort. You sank deeper into the blankets.

Dabi slid in behind you, quickly rewrapping the two of you in the softness of the covers. The heat of his chest radiated through your back as you held your pillow tighter.

“This alright?” His voice was low against your ear, hot breath tickling your ear.

“Yeah.” You spoke softly, pulling your legs from their near fetal position to stretch out a bit more, “Sorry.”

You heard him half-scoff behind you, pressing the most gentle kiss against the side of your head, “You don’t need to apologize. I’m here.”

‘I’m here.’

It was a mutual sentiment. Demons attracted demons, that’s how things worked sometimes. Dabi had plenty of horrifying nightmares and many bad days just as you had your own moods. You both had learned some time ago, you just needed another person there to lean on, whatever that meant. Sometimes, the most important thing about helping each other was just being there no matter what weather raged unseen.

Dabi’s arm slowly curled over your waist, pulling you closer as new tears built in your eyes. It was subtle, but you could feel the soft squeeze of his scarred hand over your hip, dipping just under your shirt to touch your bare skin.

You didn’t say anything for a while, shaking the slightest bit and just letting yourself rewet the pillow in your arms. Dabi’s grip eventually drifted under your shirt to your midriff, his thumb rubbing little circles over your tummy.

“I just feel like garbage,” You finally broke the silence, voice trembling. “I know it’ll stop and get a little better at some point. I just want that point to be now.”

Dabi nuzzled into the back of your head, pressing languid kiss after kiss over the back of your neck, “That’s understandable. Shit hasn’t been easy lately.”

You sniffled, nodding and acknowledging the fact that circumstances could’ve been better. Bouncing back seemed like a far-off concept in the middle of your metaphorical, mental storm, right?

“It h-hasn’t,” You hated how weak your voice came out, how quiet and strained it was. “But like, you’d just figure I’d learn how to be better, you know?”

“Learning to cope is hard, most people suck at it and hide it,” Dabi reminded you, though the sentiment was only partially comforting. “I think you do a pretty good job.”

“How can you say that?” There’s an annoyed edge to your tone. “I’ve been hiding in bed literally under the covers since noon. I can’t even think about anything else other than how fucking awful I feel.”

Dabi didn’t like that answer too much, it seemed. A little grumble sounded in his throat, pads of his fingers digging into the flesh of your stomach.

“That’s how it works, you know that. You can’t get away from it and that’s why it sucks,” Dabi punctuated his words with an extra wave of heat from his body. “Besides, staying in bed all day is better than it could be. You could be being reckless, but instead—”

His fingers twitched at your sides as he left a quick smattering of kisses across your shoulders, hair, ears, and anything else he could reach. The feeling of his breath on the sensitive skin made a giggle burst from your mouth. You squirmed against him, pressing back into him and relishing in his warmth.

It was nice, how he provided some sort of reprieve.

“I get to find you, all snuggled up in bed, only in a t-shirt and panties? I don’t know, this is a treat.” Dabi snickered, pinching your thigh for emphasis.

Maybe his sexual appetites were a little misplaced when you weren’t feeling better, but his particular heat and touch were comfortable attention. You ate it up.

You gave him a hesitant smile, pressing your ass into his growing bulge, “I see where your head’s at, hm?”

“Can you blame me?” Dabi tilted his head to press a hot kiss to your jaw. “There’s nothing better than getting to spend time with you. I just want to help you feel better, whatever that may be.”

It was a rare moment of genuine vulnerability from him, but you’d take it.

You let go of your pillow, flipping to turn towards Dabi. His hands followed your motion, pulling you close again as you tangled your legs with his.

You hadn’t fully processed it before, but he also wasn’t wearing pants.

Looking up at him with shiny, gooey eyes, you cupped his jaw and rubbed at the gnarled skin.

“Thank you, for always being here, you know?” You avert your gaze you spoke, refusing to look at his bright eyes and instead tracing the contours and shadows of his collarbones through the wide neck of his long sleeve.

Carefully, he pulled your hands to his lips, pressing his lips to the meat of your thumbs, “Do you want me to ‘distract’ you?”

You rolled your eyes, “I knew it. Horny.”

“Like I said, ‘can you blame me’?”

Truth be told, a bit of a sexual distraction sounded nice. Very nice. It made the heat Dabi was emanating seem ever sweeter, something to fall into and ease your aches in more ways than one.

Dabi nudged your nose with his own, “Do you want me to help you feel good?”

“Please.”

It was the same small voice from before.

Dabi didn’t mind, he knew how to coax out better far more pleasurable feelings from you. Lazily, he dragged you even closer, latching your lips together in a breath of near-steam.

He licked into your mouth, unashamed in the hunger in his actions. You didn’t mind. It felt good to be desired, especially in the gooey way you knew Dabi would indulge you.

Your shirt was already rucked up, making it that much easier for him to press the fullness of his hand against the small of your back. You arched all for him and the show of it. Nothing more for how tired you were, but the small circles and mindless brushes of his fingers over your rapidly-heating skin were more than enough motivation for you to give into him.

Dabi liked a bit of control.

(A bit was an understatement, but he wouldn’t push you, not on your shittier days anyways.)

He tangled a hand into your hair, angling your head to better slot your lips together. The bareness of his knee pressed against your covered cunt. A small moan muffling into Dabi’s mouth as you rolled into his subtle actions. You heard a throaty chuckle vibrate from his chest.

He pulled away, his hand gripping your jaw with enough strength to warn you not to try and look away. The yolks of his azure eyes looked dazzling despite the darkness of the room as he met your gaze. There was a bit of mischief in their depths and the lazy motion of his knee against your clothed sex. You knew that Dabi wouldn’t push you, but he did know exactly what parts of you to push and pull to make you melt away in his natural fever.

His low voice washed over you, the tone itself alluring but his words dragging you deeper.

“Let me take care of you, princess, how about that?”

You were a puddle for him, sadness pushed back as you nodded desperately, “Please.”

Dabi’s thumb ran over your lip, a gentle smile with a playful lilt gracing his face.

Coaxing you into a state of softness for him wasn’t hard, but it must’ve been satisfying, based on the sweet smugness in his eyes.

He pressed two fingers against your lips as sweetly as one could, eyes going half-lidded, “Suck.”

You nodded, compliant and boneless. You parted your lips and let the fingers to slide back on your tongue. They pressed down, but not enough to gag you, just enough to make you drool over the digits.

The knee flush with your sex moved away, Dabi’s available hand pulling down the elastic waistband of your panties, helping you slide them off and kick them somewhere under the covers. It was all slow, no rushing or pressing in the way Dabi moved against you. It might’ve even been going too slow, but you weren’t in any place to do anything other than crave more.

With Dabi’s elevated and steadily rising temperature, your place under the comforter was growing increasingly warmer to the point of being stifling. Fucking around with Dabi always meant getting a bit too sweaty, but you didn’t want to get heat exhaustion before he had even properly gotten to your cunt.

You opened your mouth a bit wider to speak, but the narrowing of Dabi’s eyes cut you off.

“Good girls don’t speak with their mouths full, do they?” He asked with a tilt of his head. He spoke with the same smug grin as before, fingers almost pushing too far back in your throat.

You nodded, sniffling.

Dabi must’ve caught your cues to get some relief from the heat of the blankets and his sweltering body as he sat up, only to pull the blankets to the ground, sans a single thin sheet.

It felt a bit revealing, to be so suddenly disheveled and half-naked. You pulled the sheet up and over your legs as Dabi drew his fingers from your mouth. You sucked in a large breath, tucking yourself closer to him as he adjusted back down to the mattress.

He met your gaze as he sucked the fingers into his own mouth, pulling them away moments later with a percussive pop. The fingers slipped under the sheets, teasing along your hips and dipping to your thighs.

“Want me to fuck you like this, sweetness?” Dabi’s gravelly voice was sweet sin in your ears, washing over your like honeyed wine. “All nice and slow, show you how good you can feel?”

“Please.”

For one word, it held plenty of pleading it in.

You wanted nothing more than for his hand to keep on its bath, your thighs squishing together and shifting as slick and sweat wetted your thighs.

A husky chuckle and a kiss to the top of your head were all the confirmation you needed from him, but he gave you a bit more, “I got you, princess. Just keep being a good girl for me.”

Oh, you would be. Anything to get him to keep saying such sweet things.

You melted in him, wedging your face into him at his collar bones as he propped himself up on an arm.

Your gooey mind wanted him even closer, despite how perfectly tucked and nestled into him you were. You just wanted more. And, his shirt was certainly getting in the way. You pulled at the hem of it, helping Dabi pull over his head, dropping a few of your own kisses over the rough skin of his throat.

Dabi gently patted you back down, his palm drifting to lay flat against your sex, spit-soaked fingers grazing your slit. You keened, even at the barest contact. You muffled your moans against his chest, his soft chuckles sounding in tandem. The meat of his hand slowly circled over your clit, one finger dipping into your cunt without pause.

Your hips met his motions, desperate already and greedy, the syrupy pleasure his hot palms giving your clit slow circles just not being enough. Dabi must’ve noticed your insistence, spotting it in the way you clutched at his waist and tried to drag him even closer. With a kiss to your crown, he pressed another finger into your slick-soaked cunt, crooking the fingers just right.

You couldn’t help the warbling moan that broke from your throat as your nails dug into the unscarred skin of Dabi’s hips. Despite his smug laughter, he was quick to lavish you sweet nothings as he continued his slow, soft finger-fucking with a reverie that he would only ever let you feel and see.

“How does it feel, sweetness?” His lips were at your ear, gooseflesh rising on your arms.

“R-really nice,” you moaned, toes curling as hot pleasure runs you up and down. The chemical additive that was his voice was like high-proof whiskey on embers— it only stood to make you burn.

“You’re so good for me,” His words rumble from his chest to yours, his sweet heat spicing your mind even more.

Some days, Dabi might’ve made you grovel for touch like this. He liked pushing you, making you pliant and compliant with words and touch. Though, he wasn’t needlessly cruel. He was oddly fair for being a villain. Especially on your bad days, he gave what he could to ease your aches.

You took it greedily.

As your breaths got a little deeper, harsher, puffing against Dabi’s skin as you clung to him, Dabi’s bulge began to lightly rock against your leg, fully hard and undoubtedly aching in the same way that you were.

He wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to make you squirm, even in your mutually heated states.

“You want more, princess? Tell me what you want.” His fingers pulled out of you, a new rush of slick wetting your thighs.

“You— you know what.” You huffed, breathless.

Dabi mused for a moment, clicking his tongue. He shifted above you, pulling off his boxer briefs in the process.

“I suppose I do. You are nice and wet for me, huh?” He asked you, urging you flat onto your back. He dragged one of his fingers from your hole to your clit, swirling at the nub. You arched your back and cried for him, pressing into the wire of his scarred arms.

He sat back on his knees, pumping his cock slowly. In the faint light of the bedroom, you could see the balls of his piercings almost flush with his cock. Your mouth watered. The feeling of the hot metal against the back of your throat would’ve been heaven.

As you started to rise, tugging at Dabi’s hips for him to come closer, he just as quickly pushed you back down.

“Let me take care of you, sweetness,” He kept his voice so soft, it nearly hurt.

You nodded, settling back down onto the mattress and bending at the knees. Dabi was hardly reverent, not in the way he slicked his cock with preek, but somehow to the look of love he was giving you was.

You relaxed into the mattress, half-boneless before even being boned.

Dabi smiled, watching your complacency. He loved using smooth words on you to get you to rest. You just needed a bit of coaxing.

A lazy ball of spittle dripped from his lips to his cock. You watched, mesmerized as he slicked himself down, his thick cock contrasting with the burns over the rest of his body.

Dabi was very beautiful, though he’d never accept it.

He looked even prettier on top of you, easily bringing your legs up to rest over his shoulder. Angling your hips up meant he would reach the perfect parts of your inside, ram you just right.

He teased the head of his cock against your cunt, running it up and down with almost torturous slowness.

“Please,” It was another plea, something desperate from your lips as you gripped at his thin hips and squeezed.

He didn’t ask you for any more, just leaning down to give you soft kiss after kiss all across your cheeks and jaw.

“Gonna make you feel so good,” His voice shook as he slowly fucked into you, letting you adjust to the girth of his cock. It wasn’t a long wait, you were basically meant for it, your pussy long since memorizing even the specific feeling of the metal of his piercings. You could feel him shake against you, slowly exhaling as he filled you up.

There was a subtle burn, but nothing that didn’t bring you some pleasure. Dabi knew just the pace to go to keep you yearning and doughy in his hands, cock head brushing that sweet spot inside you as he bottomed out.

The urgent look you shot him and the whine that sounded from the back of your throat was more than enough for him. You didn’t need to beg to feel good.

As your breaths aligned, Dabi braced his arms around your head, nearly steaming breath puffing against your neck. You matched him, hands flying to his hair as he slowly pulled out of you, only to fuck into you once more.

It was something slow and unhurried, but not at all lazy. Dabi was simply taking his time, each cant of his hips deliberate and unrushed. With each thrust back to your cunt, you gushed around his cock as Dabi grinded and circled his hips. You fell into his motions, fully rolling your body and chest in time with his own.

It was a gentle dance, one that was accented by sweet words and light bites to your neck. All you could do what moan and cry with his gently burning motions, sputtering at each sweet phrase that drifted from his lips.

Your breasts rolled against the metallic heat of Dabi’s nipple piercings as he pressed so tightly to you. You could tell he was getting close, and you weren’t far off either, especially as he dipped a hand to roll over your clit to replace the barest friction that his thrust provided.

“You close, princess?” Dabi cooed into your ear, his cock jamming into your insides particularly hard. “Want to come for me?”

You nodded, a few babbling affirmations spilling from your bitten lips.

“Come when you need to, sweetness. Come on my cock like you do so well,” The command was all you needed to be sent over the edge.

His fingers sped up on your clit, honey-warm pleasure rolling over you as you crested over Dabi’s cock.

It was slow and almost unbearably warm as you tensed, arching your back and wailing into Dabi’s shoulder as he fucked you through your orgasm. He thrust into you harder, faster, losing rhythm just before seizing and spilling into you. Dabi was always quick to follow when he got you so melted. Who knew being nice turned him on?

All the while, your body curled for him, tension rolling and breaking as you clung to him and kissed him mindlessly. You both came down, groans, and cries falling away.

Finally, you both came to a stillness.

Dabi pulled back from your neck, meeting your sleepy gaze to rub at your cheeks and kiss some sweat from your brow, “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better,” Hoarse voice gleaming with a smile. “But, I think I want that nap now.”

“Easy.” Dabi rolled to his side, never letting you get too far before pulling you close again.

The slowly cooling slick and cum wetting your thighs sticky was forgotten as your gooey mind allowed you some rest. Against Dabi’s still trembling form, his arms wrapped snuggling around your waist and idly rubbing circles as he was before, it was easy to fall into a light, contented sleep.

#salem writes #dabi x reader #dabi x y/n #dabi x you #dabi reader insert #dabi smut #mha smut #mha reader insert #unbeta'ed

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chaoticneutralwriter · 3 years

Text

GD!Jimin Extras: Golden Hour

As they say, taking a picture lasts longer.

guardian demon!jimin x reader

genre: supernatural, fluff, romance, angst, slow-burn

word count: 2.2k

related works: see Masterlist under guardian demon!jimin au

A snapshot of the days before The Storm

A/N: Shout out to @azulamakesmeblank because this was partially inspired by this ask! As promised, a fluff chapter before the literal shit storm that’s about to take place in the story (butisitreallywhenyoureadthelastlineofthispromptwhat:’)) I hope you enjoy it! it’s kinda half edited dkfhgha I love you guys as always for your support and patience for this story! 💖💖💖💖

Tags: @cherryjiminiee @kokobaekkie @breathebangtan @itsadoozie @thatshylatina @chiminieboi @azulamakesmeblank @sectumsemptae @awkwardwookie @aduky @poisonseashell @shortannoyingginger @caramelmac-chiato @sana-b @jiminstinct @beautifulparisiangirl @taelieninvader @ggukjitaejin @xakemi-chiix @vantaenims @atulipandarose @moments-of-melancholy @xclo02 @cherub-kookie @gottadreamitallaway @indiesy @disn3yfreak @oerangdoongi @definitelynotshady @youmaiiwasherebeforeu

You arrive at the front door a little too breathlessly in your haste. It should be embarrassing but blaming your increased pulse on your lack of fitness has your mind and, ironically, your heart resting easier than having to think that you're actually half-nervous and half-excited to see Jimin again.

Even though you literally saw him just yesterday.

You really need to pull yourself together better; you'd rather not have a repeat of pouring tomato sauce all over the counter because your hands got too shaky from Jimin watching you cook dinner (and after you insisted on him not needing to do anything too!)

You take in a fortifying breath, appearing to be squaring up to take the final stand in saving the world instead of simply seeing your boyfriend for what's essentially a stay-in dinner date. You punch in the pass code to the lock pad with practised ease, almost not giving enough time for the beep to chime as you push the door open.

“Jimin?” You call out in greeting once you toe off your shoes and slip on your pair of house slippers. Your eyes scan over the vast living room, spotting the head of raven locks peeking out from the end of the couch. Stepping closer, a smile sneaks its way onto your lips when you realize that he's most likely resting, given his lack of response. Quietly, you step into the kitchen area to set down your bags of grocery on the counter before you make your way to peer over the back of the seat. You're instantly smitten at what you see.

The sun is beginning to make its descent below the horizon, dying the clouds in an ombre of fiery oranges, pinks and reds against the remnants of soft pale blue sky. Thanks to the generous amount of window space the penthouse has, the golden glow easily washes over the interior of the living room and bathes everything with its light; Jimin being no exception.

It cascades over his skin like honey, high-lighting the bridge of his nose, the tops of his cheeks, and the shape of his cupid's bow. It makes his long lashes stand out so delicately and the equally dark strands of hair that falls gently over his forehead. Your fingers itch to sweep them away yet at the same time, you don't dare risk disturbing this sleeping beauty.

So unconsciously, you silently settle yourself on the top of the couch, resting your elbows on the cushion with your head propped up in your hand.

He looks so completely relaxed, one arm tucked behind his head, the other draped over his stomach. The sleeves of his shirt rolled up to his elbow, forearms toned and the first few buttons undone to expose a teasing view of his collarbones while black slacks hug his thighs perfectly (as per usual). If someone were to take a picture of him right now and slap on some big fashion name on it, you're pretty sure anyone who would see it would believe it to be a legit advertisement or a cover of a magazine.

Now that the thought has crossed your mind, temptation begins to rear its head. From the beginning, it's a no brainer what you imagine one would do given the opportunity of having a guardian demon that looks like the carbon copy of your favourite idol; do whatever you can to prevent said demon from stepping out into the world and risk slandering the actual person they're parading around as, or indulge in your wildest fantasies now that you have the means.

It's....a rather unique position to be in, with a plethora of mixed feelings to say the least.

After the initial shock of it wore off (which was really just taking three business day to process it all), you've come to the conclusion that this whole thing was, more than anything, weird. Some people might be able to turn a blind eye and though you're grateful that he had decided to look like Park Jimin from BTS, no matter how good of a disguise it was, it still doesn't change the fact that it's not Jimin.

You were grateful, but it made you a little resentful towards him.

With such a stark contrast, it's as if all of the good things you associated with that face had been sullied for something colder and unfeeling. You hated that he had chosen to use someone like Park Jimin – the perfect example of a good human being – to mask his much more sinister nature. You were sure it was part of some sick joke, and it felt...wrong.

Like you've lost part of a safe space in your world to the uglier side of the universe.

So in an attempt to preserve Jimin's good name in your heart, you were adamant in keeping your guardian demon at arms' length, hence why doing something as simple as taking a picture with him was out of the question. Not only would it not be in good faith, you can't begin to imagine what would happen if it got out to the world somehow.

And you succeeded....in the most unexpected way possible.

Maybe it was the deep rooted connection you had for Jimin, but there was always, without a doubt, a part of you that was soft to him. At first it had irked you, however over time, you realized it allowed for you to see another part of him that you wouldn't have otherwise. It made you open up to the idea that....he's not as bad as he seems.

You were afraid of losing a piece to your safe space when really, you ended up gaining an entirely new one instead, one that had become just as important.

So maybe that's why, as the longer you stared at Jimin (who's not Jimin but that doesn't mean he's worth anything less), the more you wanted to preserve this memory of him to keep for yourself. It's selfish you know, but things have changed, you've changed, and this is too good of a chance to pass up.

Your phone is out, hands steady as you pull up the camera and you want to laugh at how the image on your screen does no justice in capturing just how ethereal the sight before you is (of course it doesn't, should you really be surprised?) That doesn't stop your finger from tapping the snap button, because as they say, taking a picture lasts longer. The shot is satisfactory enough, getting him at an angle that show him from the waist up. You wonder if you can get another one, this time a little wider....

Well, you'll never know if you'd ever get the shot because your guardian demon chooses to wake up at that moment, locking piercing eyes with you through the phone. You immediately freeze.

There's a pause on his end before you see him pinpoint exactly what is going and a sly smirk tugs imperceptibly at the corner of his lips. “Cherub....” He greets, the low drawl sultry and irises pools of rich melted chocolate.

You gulp, straightening up while trying to inconspicuously put away your phone, a sheepish grin stretching across your face. “Rest well....?”

Jimin pretends to hum in deep thought, shifting so that he's facing more comfortably towards you. “For a good while yes....until my demon senses started tingling, telling me I was being watched. Should I be mildly concerned that you like watching me sleep?”

You scoff, “I don't always watch you sleep.”

“And you totally weren't snapping stalker photos of me.”

Your jaw drops, affronted but you don't go on to deny the claim. “Hey, calling them stalker photos is a stretch. And I'm just saying this because this was the only time I've ever – oof!”

Without warning, his hand had shot out to grab a hold of one of your wrist hanging over the back and with a strong tug, you fall face first onto his chest, an arm encircling you to keep you in place.

“Whatever you wanna call it, doesn't change that I'm still going to charge you for them.” You hear him playfully chastise above you. When you tilt your head up, you see him quirk an eyebrow at you expectantly. You blink, then roll your eyes, pretending to be inconvenienced by his stinginess, as if you're not ready to give him everything if he so much as breathes a word of it.

“Alright, what do you want?”

Jimin doesn't say anything in response, simply staring at you with those bottomless eyes, a smoulder simmering beneath their surface that it has you drowning in their depths. He watches you, unperturbed by your squirming (actually amuses in it) before you practically hear him purr, “What do you think I want?”

Your heart easily skips a beat (or more) and you're sure he can feel it beating frantically from your chest to his. While you're internally combusting, Jimin remains the picture definition of smug, free arm still propped behind his head the same time the other is wrapped around your waist, your face heating at the way you feel his thumb stroke at the strip of warm skin peeking out thanks to your shirt riding up a bit in the tumble.

He's actually infuriating, you think. Why's he gotta be so damn good at what he does?! You don't think he's even trying. Ugh, get it together, this is nothing new so it's not even a big deal! You can be cool about it too!

Giving yourself a chaotic pep talk apparently is what helps you find the courage to scooch up until you're able to land a chaste peck on the centre of his lips. Before you can fully withdraw, you already see the unimpressed look Jimin is shooting your way.

“I know you can do better than that.”

You puff, chewing on your lower lip into a pout; the deadpan in his voice makes you grumble at being called out, your neck and the tips of your ears burning now. Seeing you so flustered though, Jimin couldn't help but be endeared, then finally decide to ease up on the teasing he's been relentlessly subjecting you to. Slowly, he lowers the arm behind his head to gently take a hold on your chin, bringing your attention back to the adoring smile softening his features.

“Pretty cherub,” He coaxes, “Won't you give a little sweet treat for me?”

It takes everything in you to suppress the small whimper that wanted to jump out from the base of your throat at hearing those words. Whether it's teasing, cocky Jimin or loving, doting Jimin, you really aren't built to handle any of them at all, seemingly defaulting to a blushing mess no matter how hard you try be unfazed. Which is why after a moment of resigning to your fate, accepting that there was no point resisting when your heart and body have already betrayed you, do you close your eyes and give in wholeheartedly.

He welcomes you, carefully lets you mould your lips to his for a proper kiss and you helplessly melt against him. You don't think you can ever get used to the feeling but it's like Jimin doesn't mind one bit, pace unhurried to savour every press like it’s your first. Your mind becomes muddled the longer it goes on, and when you feel the swipe of his tongue, you're nearly gone. But as tempting as it is, you can't get too carried away here – you still have dinner to cook!

You allow yourself a few tantalizing licks before you part with great reluctance. Through hazy eyes you meet Jimin's, the little breath you have hitching from the sight of his swollen, moistened lips and dark brown irises now glowing a muted maroon, on the verge of igniting into full blown desire.

“Can't have you spoiling dinner so early.” You say, then embarrassingly avert your gaze at how your voice comes out raspy and thick.

You miss the way the corner of Jimin's mouth twitch, but catch the mischievous glint that's no doubt from mentioning the word 'dinner'. You put on your best scolding face, smacking his chest lightly in reprimand.

“No.”

“I didn't even say anything.” His incredulous retort is drowned out by the laugh he lets out with it, the sound has you struggling to maintain your 'serious' front.

“You were thinking it.”

“Are you sure it's not you projecting your own thoughts onto me?”

You humphed, about to turn away and get off your personal body pillow but Jimin's hold remains steadfast. He sneaks a quick kiss to your forehead once you settle back down again as a means to placate you, chuckling softly, “Okay, okay, I'll behave.”

You giggle lightly, cheeks pressed into his collarbone as you give an approving hum, cuddling even closer to his person and you both lapse into a comfortable silence, breaths in sync. Outside, the final rays of the setting sun disappears below the city's horizon, taking the warmth of the day along with it.

But you find no lack in that when you're lying here in his embrace, because whereas the sun comes and goes, yours remains unwavering.

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softtrobed · 3 years

Note

hm would you write a fic about annie coming out to jeff? i love their friendship and brother/sister relationship :)

thank you so much for this request! i honestly got a bit emotional writing this. annie coming out to jeff is something that can honestly be so personal...

there's some focus on annie coming out to other members of the study group, but it does mainly focus on her and jeff. i hope that's okay :)

Annie had decided to come out to her friends in the same way she tended to do most things: efficiently and beginning by making a list.

Well, she supposed the most efficient way would be to come out to all of them at the same time, but this way would be more effective in the long run. She knew they’d all have very different reactions, different questions to ask, different levels of surprise, so if they all found out at once, most likely no one’s questions would get answered (not just the ones she would politely ignore), the group would start talking over each other, someone would yell at Pierce and it would almost be forgotten what the point of the conversation even was. This way, although it would take longer, everyone would hopefully be satisfied.

She told Troy and Abed first. That was the easiest, as because the two were a couple, she had no doubt they’d be accepting. Additionally, in the time they’d lived together, she had a feeling they’d already picked up on some of her not-so-straight behaviours: the girl-crushes she formed on the pretty women in the movies they watched together and her disinterest or non-romantic affection towards the men she knew she was ‘supposed’ to swoon over; the way she giggled and twirled her hair while on the phone with a certain girl from Greendale she’d recently reconnected with; the one time she didn’t delete her search history from the apartment computer and Abed may or may not have seen her recent searches, which included among others, ‘am I gay test,’ ‘comphet meaning’ and ‘can you be straight but think girls are really pretty and rarely have long lasting feelings for men?’

She’d come out to them over breakfast one day, and they basically had the best response she could have wished for. They were totally cool with it, but didn’t make it a big deal. They joked about how she was no longer the token straight roommate, she hugged both of them, and the day went on as normal.

Annie had crossed their names off her list with a big smile on her face.

Next had been Britta. Annie had also guessed that she’d be accepting, as what had happened with Paige last year had been a bit misguided but well-intentioned. At least Annie didn’t have to worry about Britta only wanting to be her friend because she was a lesbian, because they were already friends, and Annie suspected Britta had learned her lesson.

As expected, Britta reacted well. Perhaps too well, loudly proclaiming her supporting for the LGBTQ community before asking a string of questions about what it was like dating girls and if kissing them was different if you were sobre and/or not doing it to prove you weren’t homophobic. Annie explained she didn’t know - she actually hadn’t kissed a girl yet - but did wonder if Britta’s questions weren’t just due to her being an ally. She could be wrong, but she had read something about queer people having a way of spotting each other. Still, it wasn’t her place to assume anything, and she put the thought out of her mind as she crossed off Britta’s name.

Next was Jeff. This was a bit trickier. Once again, she didn’t think Jeff would be at all homophobic (unless he turned out to be one of those men who only viewed relationships between women as hot, but she’d cross that bridge if she came to it), but coming out to him made her nervous for another reason. Ever since they’d kissed at the Transfer Dance, his feelings for her had seemed unclear. At first, he’d seemed determined to forget it ever happened - which she’d found unfair at the time, but now appreciated - but lately, it was possible he had actually become interested in her. It felt… really weird, when she thought about it for too long. Not only was she definitely not interested in him, but, partially due to their age gap, their relationship felt too close to a father-daughter or older brother-younger sister relationship to be romantic. Sometimes she wondered why she’d ever liked him like that at all.

Although, since she’d extensively researched what comphet was and realised that was undoubtedly what she’d been experiencing, she could understand a bit better she’d never really liked him to begin with, she’d just latched onto a seemingly unattainable man to convince herself she could be attracted to guys, yet again.

As everyone packed up their stuff to leave the study room, Annie remained seated. “Um, Jeff,” she said. “We’ve both got a free period now, right?”

“Right,” Jeff replied, not looking up from his phone.

“Would you mind if I talked to you about something?”

He looked at her curiously. “Yeah, sure.”

Troy, Abed and Britta had clearly all realised what was going on. Abed gave her a small, supportive smile, Troy gave a quick thumbs up, and Britta winked in a way Annie guessed was meant to be subtle, but no doubt everyone in the room saw.

“Come on, guys,” she said, ushering the others out of the room. “This sounds important, and private, and we’ve all got classes to get to.”

Shirley stopped, muttering that she’d forgotten a textbook, but Britta practically pushed her out of the door as Abed said in a deep voice, seeming to have taken the opportunity to act like a security guard, “Keep it moving.”

Annie smiled as she watched them leave, her friends dramatics a pleasant distraction from what she was about to do. She turned back to Jeff to see he’d put his phone down. Clearly, he knew this was serious. “So,” he said. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

Annie opened her mouth, let out a squeak, then closed it. This was going to be difficult. Maybe she should have just come out to everyone at the same time, the consequences be damned. That way, she would have got it all over with at once.

“Annie, is everything okay?” Jeff sounded so genuine in his concern, a relatively rare sight. “You know you can tell me if something’s bothering you?”

“No, everything’s fine,” she assured him, finding her voice, but he didn’t look convinced. She took a deep breath. “I was thinking recently about that time we kissed.” He looked confused for a second. Didn’t he remember that night? Not that she cared, of course. “You know? During the dance at the end of our first year? I had just decided not to move to Delaware with Vaughn-”

“Right, right,” he cut her off. “I remember. Sorry, go ahead.”

“Thank you,” she said curtly. “So, I’ve been thinking about our kiss, and-”

Once more, he interrupted her. This was just getting annoying. “Annie, look, I know I’ve been giving… pretty mixed signals about my feelings for you, or if I even have any, but lately I’ve taken a good look at myself, and realised that it would never really feel right to be with you. For many reasons, none of which are your fault. It’s just that you’re much younger than me, and you often feel like a little sister to me - as well as a friend, of course - so I’m sorry, but-”

“Jeff.” Her firm tone silenced him.

There, she thought. How does it feel to be interrupted?

“I don’t want to be with you either!”

“Really?” he checked. “Because it wouldn’t be your fault if you did, I’m the one who needs to keep whatever feelings I have for you in check. Plus, I mean, I wouldn’t blame you…”

She rolled her eyes, but a smile began creeping onto her face. “I swear. I was going to say that I’ve been thinking about that kiss because of how, back then, I thought I really liked you. In a romantic way, I mean. But recently, I’ve realised that I just made myself think I liked you, even loved you. I wanted to convince myself I could be attracted to men, so just like with Troy in high school, I picked an unattainable - or so I thought - man. In his case: someone cool and popular who I thought would never notice ‘little Annie Aderal.’ With you, a cool, older guy who just saw me as a child.”

“Annie.” Jeff’s tone was serious but not annoyed. “Are you saying what I think you are?”

She nodded, her lips a thin line. “I’m a lesbian, Jeff. I really hope this doesn’t change things between us, although, honestly, knowing you don’t want to be with me is a big relief, because I was worried I’d break your heart or make things weird, but…” She paused. She was getting ahead of herself. “Well, have I made things weird?”

“Of course you haven’t! Thank you for telling me, that was really brave, especially if you thought I was still interested in you.”

“Thanks,” she said. She quickly added, “It’s not that I thought you’d react really badly. I don’t see you as someone who thinks he’s somehow entitled to any women he has feelings for, but still… I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He stood up, walking around to her side of the table, presumably to remove the physical and metaphorical distance between them, and gesturing for her to stand up as well, which she did. “You haven’t hurt me at all, Annie, I promise. I care about you, so much, even - no, especially - as a friend, and I just want you to be happy. Even if I was madly in love with you - which, thankfully, I’m not - I could never be upset at you, or anyone, for this.”

Annie could feel tears forming in her eyes. “Aww, Jeff!” She practically threw herself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug which he happily returned, laughing.

“Okay, we don’t have to make this all dramatic,” he said, but Annie was sure he sounded a bit choked up.

They came apart, smiling at each other for a few seconds before Jeff hesitantly reached out and gave her a pat on the head. “For old time’s sake,” he explained.

Annie had never felt happier while being given a head pat, which didn’t say much, she knew, but it was accurate, as she’d probably felt happier in general at some point in her life. Still, this was definitely in her top ten.

That night, she crossed off Jeff’s name, remembering the days she would doodle hearts as she wrote down his name, or paired her first and his last. This time, she instead drew a little smiley face. That was far more accurate, she thought. The thought of Jeff no longer made her heart flutter in her chest, but he made her smile, and she was more than happy with that.

#community #nbc community #annie edison #jeff winger #troy barnes #abed nadir #britta perry #shirley bennett #pierce hawthorne #lesbiannie #trobed #community fanfic #my writing #ask #lesbiannie-rights

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aiyexayen · 3 years

Note

re: that "I'll live for you post" - WHERE'S THE ESSAY

this post? [innocent face]

alright, alright, JUST TWIST MY ARM WHY DON'T YOU, just force me to talk more about my boys!

4.9k word essay under the cut

Wei Wuxian

Let us take a look at Wei Wuxian first. Wei Wuxian has no problems throwing himself in-between the people he loves and danger, or even certain death. Hell, sometimes he just throws himself into it for fun and profit!

To some extent, putting yourself in danger to help others and being willing to die is something of a cultivator thing in general, a hero thing in general, right? And Wei Wuxian is a prodigy, exceptionally strong and clever, so he has more reason than most to be a little cavalier. But most of the point of training so hard as a cultivator and getting strong and aligning yourself with a sect is kind of so you can be in real danger of dying as little as possible, one would presume.

So we're going to set aside the danger-as-a-profession thing for now, because I think it's only tangentially related.

The real point is, Wei Wuxian is sacrificial to a fault. If there is a problem, he decides he's the one who needs to fix it. And his first go-to solution is to throw himself at it, to give up anything of himself if it's viable. As clever as he is, if he finds a workable solution that involves his own sacrifice, he doesn't stop to look for anything else.

Some of it is pride--not wanting to admit he needs help from anyone else, and the shame of being seen as weak.

Some of it is arrogance--a very natural kind given his competence, the presumption that he knows best in a given situation (neurodivergent arrogance walking hand-in-hand with self-esteem issues is always a fun time).

Some of it is appropriate--ranging from his own moral imperative to protect the weak and do what's right to his understanding of his place in culture and in his own sect and relationships.

Some of it is a natural bent toward caretaking, "fixing," and heroics--someone has to do it, so it's going to be Wei Wuxian. He won't hesitate to take initiative in any other area of life, and this is no exception.

And some of it, yes, is a lack of value placed in his own life--between a more youthful, dramatic perspective on 'I would die for you/for this cause' taking priority in his worldview, and some genuine self-esteem issues. Issues largely stemming from his uncertain place in the world growing up and his uncertain relationship with parental/guardian/master and other familial figures, all stewing under the surface and brought to light sharply when the world went to shit and choices were made and he lost or seemed to have lost everything from his reputation to his home to his extant support structures. The paranoia and voices in his head (the ptsd and resentful-energy-as-ptsd-metaphor both) only drove that home.

Basically, Wei Wuxian was already trending in some unfortunate directions but his circumstances and the people surrounding him kept him grounded, and the events of the story as it unfolded really pushed him all in. No one thing or one person--even Wei Wuxian himself--is really to blame for that, which is the beauty of the story really.

I also think Wei Wuxian started to buy into some of his own stories at his lowest points--the things he said or came up with, lies he told publicly, justifications he made for his choices once the heat of the moment and the panic was over. Justifications he made to himself and to others. He purposefully led people to believe much that was incorrect about him and his character and his status, to which the response was distaste and horror, and even though he planned it that way in order to push everyone away I really think he started to believe it himself. Depression and trauma are just really fun times.

I'm getting a bit off-topic.

The point remains, Wei Wuxian is extremely sacrificial. He comes by much of it naturally, and not nearly all of it is bad or melodrama or angst or even unhealthy or problematic. It's one of his good qualities, too, and it's one of the ways he knows how to love.

All of the threads weaving together to make Wei Wuxian and the situations he finds himself sacrificing things in are all true, but it also really comes down to love. He loved Jiang Cheng enough to sacrifice his everything and risk his life doing so. He loved his sect enough he was willing to sacrifice his right hand. He loved his sect enough to sacrifice his very ties to it. He loved Lan Zhan enough to sacrifice their friendship. He loved Jin Ling enough to sacrifice himself to the curse he got in the Nie tombs. (And more!)

Wei Wuxian loved, and so he sacrificed. Thus, the initial post.

Jiang Cheng

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk about my darling Jiang Wanyin.

Ah, Jiang Cheng, Jiang Cheng. Taking the initiative and sacrificing at the drop of a hat and so forth are not really characteristics of Jiang Cheng's the same way they are for Wei Wuxian.

And yet, is he not also a disciple of Yunmeng Jiang; is he not also a young hero? Has he not pride, and the incentive to do good?

Does he not also see love as sacrifice?

Zi Zhizhu was his mother. The woman who sacrificed to get Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian to safety. The woman who killed herself and crawled across the ground to hold her husband's hand in death.

You think she wasn't Like That the whole time? You think Jiang Cheng picked up nothing of such behaviours from her, even before that day?

Hah.

Besides which, there's absolutely an underlying theme of Jiang Cheng trying to be like Wei Wuxian for much of their lives.

Partially just...Wei Wuxian, strong and clever and popular shige, always manages to get credit and glory and good stories and good favour, exemplary of the Jiang motto--the one Jiang Cheng's own name is tied to. They were supposed to be shuangjie, besides. How could he not want to be like him at least a bit? If nothing else, it's a little brother's curse.

And partially this is also due to Jiang Cheng's parents and that whole Situation.

It was complicated for so many reasons, and absolutely left Jiang Cheng feeling inferior to Wei Wuxian. As though he needed to be more like Wei Wuxian, to emulate him, in order to be worthy of his title and station and inheritance, something that turned out to be categorically untrue in the end. There are many kinds of leaders, and many kinds of strengths.

As an aside, I personally think that's something Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan knew, themselves, as adults and leaders and political figures in their own rights. Adults often don't realise or think about how the things they say can influence children's entire worldviews and senses of self (why, no, I don't speak from experience, why would you ask such a thing ahaha).

Jiang-zongzhu and Zi Zhizhu got a lot of their own relationship difficulties and misunderstandings and conflicts and conflicting attempts to want the best for their children (and ward) tangled up in everything. I think if they'd ever been able to speak plainly, if they could manifest into the Ancestral Hall and speak to Jiang Cheng, they would say so.

Just as Jiang Cheng would have cause to be horrified by much of what Wei Wuxian believed about himself, I think Jiang Cheng's parents would have cause to be horrified by much of what Jiang Cheng believed. (I mean, and Wei Wuxian, probably.)

Anyway.

Jiang Cheng has plenty of reasons to aspire to those same ideals of sacrifice. And it's not just aspirations, either--we see him follow through.

He walked outside from that inn, saw Wei Wuxian in danger, and made a decision in the space of a single breath--a decision with full understanding, too. He knew he was giving up his entire life for Wei Wuxian's. He said goodbye in his head.

I would argue (and I'm sure I've said this before somewhere too) that his sacrifice was the purest example of this in the entire story.

Perhaps some of it is that many of Wei Wuxian's sacrifices are premeditated and just about all of them have alternative solutions that don't involve him just diving in and giving pieces of himself up.

That isn't to say that Wei Wuxian wouldn't see a sword aimed at Jiang Cheng and take the blow himself. But we never see him do that, exactly. As much as Jiang Cheng has internalised this ideal of Wei Wuxian's, he both encounters fewer of these situations and has other problem-solving tactics in his repertoire.

The way Jiang Cheng hates himself doesn't lead him to think of himself as disposable. I could get into a (very amateur) discussion of negative schemas formed in childhood and their various similarities and differences, and the different ways Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's brains appear to work (Jiang Cheng sees himself as inferior, while Wei Wuxian willfully dehumanises himself in other ways), but basically, it's simply a different set of psychological issues.

But! When he is faced with the choice, Jiang Cheng absolutely dies for the ones he loves.

He loves his sect and his family, and he internalises love as sacrifice, and when it comes down to an extreme moment he chooses to die for them.

And then he doesn't die.

And then the war happens.

Jiang Cheng's Growth

There are a lot of reasons for Jiang Cheng to grow in this area, and I think it starts with inheriting the sect.

(This leads to excellent thoughts about What If Wei Wuxian Had Somehow Become Sect Leader but that's an au for another day.)

If sect heir was a position full of responsibility and reputation management, how much more so is zongzhu? Jiang Cheng is suddenly responsible for all these people. Whether he's good enough or not doesn't even matter. The job is there and it's inescapable and he's the only one there to do it.

I'm absolutely sure he still has all kinds of inferiority shit he's dealing with by post-timeskip and he only just gets to touch on some pieces of resolution by the end of the story, with the one person still in the world who would even know anything about the life that gave it to him.

Jiang Cheng has been responsible for people before, in small ways--night hunts and such, I'm sure, and he was certainly in charge of the Yunmeng Jiang disciples who went to Cloud Recesses. But being at the top of that hierarchy entirely is such a different matter, and he did so at a very young age and in a very fraught time.

The fact that he had to deal with all this new responsibility and duty to people more than his family and to causes greater than the first people in need he encounters is a huge perspective shift. Especially as a sect with nothing to give and no wiggle room where it comes not only to basic resources post-war, but to things like reputation and political standing. This is, of course, a huge facet to the conflict between him and Wei Wuxian (and the Wen remnants) at that point in the story.

But on a personal level it also speaks to the sacrifice thing. If Jiang Cheng sacrifices his life, he is not just sacrificing his own life anymore.

When he gave up his life for Wei Wuxian, he had not yet inherited. His parents were only barely gone. There was nothing to inherit. There was no surety of there ever being something to inherit ever again. Everything else was already gone. It was only the three of them, barely surviving, running for their lives. It was only him and Wei Wuxian in a street, and one of them had to die.

But once he inherits? He's a commander. He's a leader. He has all the knowledge and all the networking connections. He has the reputation. He has the social standing. He might still have a long way to go in developing his skills, but he has a natural leadership ability and he does have training appropriate to his station.

What happens if he personally sacrifices his life? What happens to all of that? What happens to everyone depending on him?

That's not very satisfying, very epic-worthy. That's not very dramatic or romantic. It's gradual, and messy, that kind of change and realisation. Becoming that kind of person. Making choices based in that reality. Deciding that you do not belong to yourself.

And I think it really comes to a head when his siblings die.

I think it comes to a head personally. Not just in his role as Jiang-zongzhu. We don't see Jiang Cheng choose not to die, in as many words. But we certainly see him choose to live.

Or, perhaps, we see the evidence of that choice.

Jiang Cheng could have faded away. He could have started delegating all his responsibilities, gotten help from other sects, trained up a replacement. He could have made such things necessary by getting more and more reclusive. He could have pulled a Qingheng-Jun.

Hell, with a-jie gone already, he could have just said fuck this and followed Wei Wuxian off that cliff, and if you don't think he wonders about that sometimes--at least at first--then we have very different interpretations of Jiang Cheng as a person.

And no, none of those are sacrifice. But at some point, he still chose to do the opposite.

He chose every day to live for his sect, to keep growing it into something powerful and secure. He took that vow that he made and he fucking stuck to it.

And he chose to live for Jin Ling.

I don't half wonder if that was a bigger driving force at first than anything else.

Jiang Cheng could absolutely have left Jin Ling to be raised by his Jin family in the absence of his parents and fucked off to hide away in Yunmeng and had nothing to do with him. He could have done a lot of things, let himself develop in a lot of ways, unhealthy ways.

But he so very clearly did not.

Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng have a close relationship. Jin Ling defers to Jiang Cheng, is answerable to him on night hunts and beyond them. It's never questioned why he's basically just in the Yunmeng Jiang party by himself. Yunmeng Jiang disciples answer to Jin Ling in turn, follow his orders without question in the absence of their zongzhu. It's a Yunmeng Jiang disciple who hands Xianzi off to Jin Ling outside the Guanyin Temple in Yunping, and Jiang Cheng is intimately familiar with Xianzi's commands and is apparently a trusted person to give them (which, we find out, Jin Guangyao is not.)

As much as Jiang Cheng is not good at saying what he means, and especially after everything he's been through his softer bits have grown harder and harder carapace around them, Jin Ling never seems to misunderstand what Jiang Cheng means. They snipe at each other and snark and bitch and roll their eyes and so clearly love each other.

Jiang Cheng's love for Jin Ling shines brightly the second you know how to interpret Jiang Cheng, and Jin Ling absolutely does. Jin Ling's trust in Jiang Cheng is incredible.

Jin Ling is practically Yunmeng Jiang's heir, and practically Jiang Cheng's son.

That sort of thing doesn't just happen, because you're related or whatever. In fact, the story goes out of its way to present blood relations not being close, especially father figures.

Which means from a young age, Jin Ling knew Jiang Cheng's love. Jiang Cheng, struggling young zongzhu of a struggling newly-rebuilt sect, who just lost everything, barely more than a kid himself, figured out he needed to not only stay alive, but needed to live for Jin Ling.

He needed to teach him everything, needed to figure out how to be the best of his own father and mother, and the best of Jin Ling's father and mother, and live up to every lost bit of love Jin Ling should have had, and try, and try, no matter how unworthy or unfit or inferior he felt. No matter how much he fucked up and didn't know. No matter how much grief he was dealing with. No matter how many people hated him and how few friends he had. No matter how much there was to do. No matter how overwhelming the endless tide of days, of forever in front of him felt, horrible and empty of everyone that had come before. Jiang Cheng still chose to live.

He carved out that new life because of love. He didn't die for anyone, and he didn't die for anyone's memory. He lived.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he did, for his sect, his disciples, his family's legacy, his siblings' memories, and Jin Ling.

And, as a bonus knife, the things we see him chide Jin Ling the most for? Are specifically things Wei Wuxian would have done, and even things he would have done in following him. Grandstanding, not asking for help when needed, wandering off alone, making unnecessary sacrifices.

Wei Wuxian's Growth

That brings us to Wei Wuxian coming back. And, well, the boy still has a long way to go. He goes through a lot of kinds of growth post-timeskip. And I think this is one of them.

For one, he's already fucking died once.

Honestly, almost ironically, that death wasn't even fully a sacrifice. Perhaps in some ways it was, in some ways he internalised that it was. But regardless, after all his sacrificing, he finally died. And, much like Jiang Cheng's sacrifice, it didn't stick. He woke back up. Albeit 16 years later.

Now, he wasn't keen on dying, or he maybe would have just gone back. But that doesn't mean he'd suddenly decided to live for anyone rather than die for them.

And, indeed, we still see that side of him come back with him in full force. He starts off by deciding he will just live this new life without Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan altogether.

I think, for Wei Wuxian, this matter of sacrifice ends up being tied into a lot of other pieces of his growth--none of it happens independently of each other.

First, he is shown and told that he is wanted. That's the first thing. He cannot simply go on without inconveniencing/endangering/roping anyone else into his shit because his ties to other people don't work in only one direction. He is wanted.

Lan Zhan wants to be at his side, has not forgotten him, and loves him unwaveringly. That is a huge first step, right there at the beginning, when Lan Zhan grabs his hand, and they make eye contact, and by the time Lan Zhan turns to look away Wei Wuxian is grabbing his hand back desperately and that pretty much says everything it needs to right there.

The idea that Wei Wuxian can act at all without having any negative affect on anyone tied to him is something we see even outside the concept of sacrifice--how many times before his death, even before his defection, do we see him say things like "you can insult me, but don't involve the Yunmeng Jiang sect" like. Like. Wei Wuxian please. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

So I think him realising that other people will willingly be tied to him and there's nothing he can do about it, that his actions affect the people who care about him all the time, is something he still has to learn/relearn even after everything that happened leading up to his death. I think, in particular, Wei Wuxian realising that it's not just his mistakes and fuckups that affect people, but his intentional actions, too. Like sacrifices. Even if they're at his own expense. Because people care and that's okay and good.

Lan Zhan drives that home with things like noticing that Wei Wuxian has transferred Jin Ling's curse to his own leg, and then insisting on carrying him.

Lan Zhan notices. Lan Zhan cares. This act of sacrifice does not end with Wei Wuxian suffering. It has cascading effects, even something this small. It is, perhaps, more effective a lesson on a small scale with fewer complexities woven in, than it would be on the larger scale issues he dealt with before his death.

This idea that his sacrifices affect people beyond him is carried through the rest of the story, too, from the way everyone seems to fret about him after the Burial Mounds and Lan Sizhui runs to hold him, down to the fact that he has to answer for how his sacrifice of his golden core to Jiang Cheng affects Jiang Cheng. Both the absence of his own golden core being a catalyst for a lot of other shit, and finding out about the core transfer actually fucking Jiang Cheng up. Which, it turns out, Wei Wuxian kind of knew would happen, he just thought he could get away with not dealing with it if he kept the secret better.

Wei Wuxian can't escape his sacrifices and his actions having an effect on those around him, the ones who care and the ones he cares about, or even the object of his sacrifice, and he really does have to have that hammered home.

He also deals with growth related to his pride and arrogance. He learns how to be weak, he learns how to have alternate forms of strength, he learns how to let others in, and let others stand with him.

Most of this is related to Lan Zhan, and I've already covered it at least somewhat in another meta, but it relates back to this, because those are two driving forces behind his sacrificial nature.

If Wei Wuxian is allowed to be weak, is allowed to hesitate, is allowed to go to others for help, is allowed to look for alternative solutions, that sets a better precedent for cutting down on the habitual self-sacrifice tendencies.

Additionally, he learns that others can and will stand with him in his sacrifices, when they are necessary.

Look at the way he pushes Lan Zhan away on the steps of Jinlintai, but Lan Zhan steps back toward him, and draws his sword, and declares his love before heaven and earth, saying in as many words that Wei Wuxian need not walk his path alone, and they fight together.

And the next time Wei Wuxian goes to sacrifice? In the Burial Mounds? He doesn't even think twice before volunteering Lan Zhan to stand with him. His entire plan revolves around the idea that Lan Zhan will stand with him--without even consulting Lan Zhan--and in doing so, they may be able to prevent Wei Wuxian from actually sacrificing his life.

Already we see him internalising a lot of that growth. He doesn't need to grandstand or prove himself; he doesn't care what everyone there thinks of him, and for the ones he does care about he is secure in their regard for him. He doesn't first attempt to sacrifice himself and be bait to draw the fierce corpses away while everyone including Lan Zhan runs off. He doesn't have to be convinced to accept Lan Zhan as part of his plan. He doesn't have to have Lan Zhan simply stay behind and then deal with the addition of him later.

Compare, if you will, the Xuanwu cave. Wei Wuxian absolutely expected everyone else to leave while he drew its attention, and Lan Zhan staying was not part of his original plan. Yes, later on they attacked the Xuanwu together, but that was different entirely. At first, he was just being bait to get everyone else to safety.

In the Burial Mounds? He's already worked Lan Zhan having his back into his plans.

It's still a sacrifice, but he's come a really long way about it.

So now that we've mitigated some of the sacrificial tendencies, modulated their effects on his choices, we come down to the "live for you instead of die for you" issue.

My positing that Wei Wuxian has reached this point by the end of the story has a lot more to do with having seen the patterns of his growth, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng regarding the issue of the golden core transfer being revealed, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan in general evolve, and watching him allow himself to have more and more attachments by the end of the story. And getting the overall vibe that living is now important, and there are things to live for in this world now that he's back in it.

However, if I had to narrow it down to one moment to exemplify this, I would point to the moment where he's caught around the neck by Jin Guangyao.

Wei Wuxian absolutely knows that if Lan Zhan sheathes Bichen, they're all fucked. Lan Zhan could easily take everyone here who would fight him, but not if he sheathes his sword and seals his spiritual power. And at this point it's increasingly likely that if they let themselves be captured they're simply not going to make it out alive. None of them. No matter what Jin Guangyao says.

Lan Zhan's best chance for survival and Jin Guangyao's best chance at being brought to justice/captured are one and the same in this moment--Lan Zhan keeping his sword, and either taking Jin Guangyao down himself or escaping to go fetch the assembled sect leaders and such at Lotus Pier.

Wei Wuxian knows this. It's why he begs Lan Zhan to be okay with his death and to do this Right Thing anyway.

Lan Zhan is not, and does not.

I don't think Wei Wuxian is surprised by this, to be fair.

But he could have ensured it would happen. He could have ensured that Jin Guangyao would go down. He could have ensured, more importantly, that Lan Zhan lived. He could have prevented Lan Zhan from sheathing Bichen to begin with.

He could have sacrificed himself.

It would have been incredibly easy at that point. All he had to do was fight back instead of hold still. Jin Guangyao was not bluffing, probably, though he just as surely knew if Wei Wuxian died then he was next, he counted on everyone wanting Wei Wuxian alive more than they wanted him dead. So if Wei Wuxian had tried to fight back or escape, he would have died.

Jin Guangyao would have been shocked, very very briefly. The resulting chaos would have seen everyone in custody who needed to be. Perfect.

And, you know, Lan Zhan would have been once more Wei-Ying-less.

Wei Wuxian very notably does not make this sacrifice. Even if it means they get captured. Even if it means they likely die together instead of only one of them dying. Even if that math is terrible on the surface of it.

He doesn't make Lan Zhan watch him die again. He doesn't presume that his loss means nothing. He doesn't presume that his life is not worth it, that his sacrifice is worth it.

Wei Wuxian actively chooses to live. He chooses to live for Lan Zhan. For the chance that they will both find a way out, and if they don't, then they are together in this and that matters more.

And he keeps making that choice. At no point in the confrontation with Jin Guangyao, for all those hours and hours and hours of back and forth and monologuing in that damned temple, does Wei Wuxian try to grandstand or throw himself sacrificially into the mix in any way. He is always working with everyone there to whatever extent possible, to the ends that everyone (including people he cedes the political superiority to) decides upon. He releases ownership of the situation, of needing to fix the situation, of needing to fix the situation by giving himself up.

I've been writing this so long I'm starting to lose the threads of my own thoughts, but yeah.

By the end, I think Wei Wuxian learns a lot and grows a lot and finally hits the point that Jiang Cheng hit years and years prior.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he was confronted with the idea of it again and again until it had to stick, and so he did. For Lan Zhan, for Lan Sizhui, for Jin Ling, for the other juniors.

I do think there will always be some element of self-sacrifice to Wei Wuxian's character that remain unchanged. He is a caretaker and a fixer at the heart of him. He is a big brother and I think maturity has only expanded that trait. He's also notably not a leader, and to some extent he does belong to himself both more and less than he ever could before his death.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And it doesn't negate him embracing the idea of living for the ones he loves, getting better for the ones he loves, and letting them keep him in their lives.

I'd like to think that this piece of character growth is another significant thing in favour of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng being able to forge not just a healthy relationship but a healthier relationship post-canon than they may have ever had before, or at least in a very long time.

#you would not believe how long this took to write out #why am i like this #my meta #unedited #the untamed #the untamed meta #jiang cheng #jiang wanyin #wei ying #wei wuxian #sacrifice #i may or may not be accepting constructive criticism at this time #this whole thing was probably terribly redundant but i'm too lazy to reread it and edit

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thedeviljudges · 3 years

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Do you think Yohan always planned to fake his death and join Elijah in Switzerland, or did he originally intend to really die with the rest of the 'villains'? Part of me thinks that would fit with his pre-Gaon conception of himself, as a monster, not deserving of love, not necessarily seeing a role for himself in Elijah's life beyond getting revenge for her/Isaac, and financing an opportunity to help her recovery. Or do you think regardless of that, he'd still never plan to leave her on her own?

i didn't mean to put off this ask for so long. i was busy, but i also wanted to wrap my thoughts around this before i tried answering. not bc i didn't have an answer to begin with but yohan and death is a subject i'd like to approach, but i'm not entirely sure how i'd like to make the analysis of it, and i'm not sure i ever will.

so that leaves me to answer it here in the best way i can because point blank: i do believe yohan intended to die by the end. i do think he had two plans in place since the beginning (dying or not dying and helping elijah), but of course, until that final moment, he wasn't ever going to know the truth. that end scene of him blowing up the court was a 50/50 shot. he had a plan to make it out, but it wasn't a guarantee.

but lets also back up a bit because before we get to that point, i think it's necessary to point out that the reason yohan gets away and does all of the shit that he does is because he knows that he might not make it out alive. it's why he's reckless. it's why he bends the law the way that he does. yohan's actions prove, over and over again, that he does not care for himself. he does not care to live except to protect elijah. there are so many small moments of this. we call yohan unhinged out of fun, but i think there is truth in it because i've mentioned this casually before (and part of my words above in terms of not necessarily knowing how to approach this just yet) is that yohan is almost...... suicidal himself.

he's reckless. he's said that he does not care about the actual law. his goal has always been getting revenge for his brother, especially for his niece who grew up without her parents. yohan never truly cared about the bigger picture until gaon came along. if we leave out gaon and think of the plot as such, yohan would've been able to prevail much quicker, i'd say. he had a plan and was going to follow through with it no matter what, regardless of the ending. and he knew going into it that there was a chance he wouldn't make it out alive.

which is why i think he partially also allowed elijah to blame him for her parent's death because if she hates him, it will be so much easier for her to forget him. she won't mourn him or miss him. she will be able to move on with her life and live it any which way she wants. but because yohan doesn't really understand kids, let alone elijah, what he fails to realize is that elijah doesn't actually hate her uncle. she's looking to get rid of all of the pent up hurt and frustration bc she never had an outlet to let all of that out. yohan fails to see that elijah cares for him and would miss him, to a degree, if he died.

so now, if we think of the plot with gaon, it twists everything on its head bc gaon has no need to be there within yohan's plans. yohan doesn't need gaon to do anything bc everything was already planned from the beginning. if anything, gaon came in and crashed some things, leaving yohan to pick up those pieces and continue pushing forward. biggest case in point, gaon's stubbornness and his arguments against yohan with the law and what he's doing.

see, gaon eventually comes to realize yohan's reasonings for doing what he's doing for his brother, but i feel like gaon thinks that even if that is part of yohan's plan involves revenge, how much does he think yohan is also doing this for the greater good and wanting to fix society? we know that yohan has no intention of that, but does gaon? and so no wonder gaon protests because if he thinks yohan is trying to fix a broken system (plus get revenge all in the same plot), no wonder gaon continues fighting yohan - he's under the belief that yohan is trying to make things better. but he's NOT.

which circles back to the idea that yohan had every intention of either making it out alive or dying. gaon opened his eyes that yes, maybe things could possibly be good. gaon made yohan question a lot of things along the way, especially his own humanness and realizing that he is worth something and not the monster he let himself believe he was, and what others told him he was. that wasn't part of the plan either, which is why it made it so much harder for yohan to go through with bombing the court because yohan's at a conflicting place of finally understanding gaon's hope but knowing that he only ever had revenge as an intent.

yohan's plan is derailed a bit by gaon being hope and introducing concepts yohan has lived without for so long. before then, yohan lived isolated with one clear goal in mind until gaon showed him he had a reason to live. i also said in another post that while gaon stopped yohan because he didn't want to see yohan going down a path he couldn't come back from, it was already too late at that point. yohan had already set his path long before gaon came into the picture and nothing he said or done would've changed that. but it DID given yohan more perspective and more heart, possibly being at peace even more so with dying knowing elijah would have gaon.

but instances within the show - of course, his two fake deaths. him steering gaon and himself off the road on the middle of the highway. him chasing after the minister's son. yohan asking soohyun to save gaon despite him literally bleeding out.

yohan does not care for himself. he does not care whether he lives or dies, as long as his plan is completed. we can talk til we're blue in the face about how yohan was wrong manipulating the law like he did and various other things, but the reason why? is because he did not care. and it wasn't because of him being a sociopath by any means. it was because he numbed his emotions, lied to himself, and used his love for his brother and elijah to propel him to a desired end with the possibility of his death involved. and quite frankly, that speaks volumes about who he is and just how much he actually cares, how much he actually has emotions.

yohan, to love his niece so much he decided to manipulate the law, to serve his own agenda and purposes for an outcome that wouldn't actually give them that much peace, but would at least position the country in a way they could grow and give elijah a life where she wouldn't have to grow up into that kind of destruction. this is why yohan "leaves" gaon behind and why gaon is the hope of the show because in going along with his plans, yohan realized that if gaon wasn't going to follow him through til the end, if he was going to do everything in his power to stop yohan, then the biggest apology yohan could give gaon was the world - the entire judicial system to make things right, to do better. that was yohan's gift to gaon and his apology because yohan had no intention of making it better. but maybe gaon could with him gone.

i've seen a few comments about how if yohan was someone in irl, we'd all steer clear of him, well, there's a lot of characters out there like that, but i wouldn't stay away from him for the reasons everyone typically lists (like the choking and manipulation) because they think he's that way just bc. yohan's actions mimic those of someone who simply doesn't care because they're depressed and not because they're psychotic. there is a DIFFERENCE. like yes, are some of his actions shitty? and his gaon right to mistrust the things he does sometimes, also yes.

but understand that there is a difference in people's behaviors depending on the underlying mental health issues involved. i don't fully believe yohan had any intent to hurt elijah or gaon maliciously. it's part of yohan being oblivious and not recognizing his own actions mixed with the entirety of his plans to be followed through til the very end. we've seen how oblivious yohan can be (the classroom bird story is a classic example; they all thought he was the devil when in reality, this kid only hurt the bird because it was scaring the girl he sat next to. logically, that mean eliminating the threat. he didn't purposefully kill the bird and enjoy it. it was a practical response within his own personal world).

i feel like i'm missing parts of this discussion, which is why i said this was a difficult topic for me to approach just to get all of my thoughts about it out there. and long story short to answer your question: i think yohan intended to die (just like he had a plan in case went to jail, for example). that possibility couldn't have been ruled out. but i think he had the plan to escape with elijah so that she could get better. either way, whatever happened happened, even if he died. elijah would be taken care of regardless.

gaon throws a wrench in his plans just a little bit, makes him realize his emotional capacities but gaon's not enough to stop yohan from seeing his plans out until the very end, even if that means losing gaon, too, because even if gaon has shown yohan that he is worthy of love and family and affection, it is not enough to forgive everything he's done, and he needs to make right what was wrong. yohan's death in that courtroom, if it had happened, wouldn't be the thing everyone needed to forgive him for his actions but it would be a start in eliminating himself as part of the problem.

another thing to keep in mind, is that we know yohan is not a sociopath, even if that's what everyone wanted us to believe. everyone thought he made sunah jump out the window, but what he was actually doing was protecting isaac and his mother's necklace. sunah made the choice all on her own, set up yohan and framed him despite yohan reaching out time and time again. isaac didn't even understand what had happened and focused on the fact that this girl jumped because of yohan without listening to the truth of it. yohan has always been shown to be fiercely loyal to the people he loves. he's never directly done anything bad (at least as a kid) unless he was provoked.

what people need to understand about yohan as a character is INTENTIONS. and i hope i'm making myself clear on this. everyone thinks he's born a devil, but that has never been the case. yohan's actions just come from a place from blind revenge. if he never needed to get revenge in the first place, if isaac was alive and well, would yohan make these same decisions? would he still be this kind of person who needed to use these methods to work around the law? i don't think so.

i think i remember getting an ask awhile back about whether yohan would eventually turn into who he is now had isaac lived because we see him livid and upset during that flashback to one of his earlier court cases (where we find he's ripping the paper with the pen) and whether or not isaac's death just fast forwarded the process. i don't feel like trying to go dig that post out, and i can't remember what i said on it either, but i feel yohan would have his family as a moral compass to keep him in line, and he wouldn't have succumbed to his present-day tactics. i think he could've worked his way up into the system and made real change. i think his heart could've been there all long, but again, was derailed by isaac's death and of course, plans changed.

this was a mouthful, and i hope what i'm saying makes sense because you can probably see what i mean about how difficult it is trying to organize my thoughts about this subject. but i am under the full belief that yohan had every intention of dying at the end or even before that. i think he's a depressed individual who learned to slowly open back up with gaon's help, but gaon is no doctor and no amount of his kindness would help someone that depressed either. it helped, certainly. but yohan saw himself as a monster/devil until the very end, and was more than willing to kill himself to make gaon and elijah's life so much easier. as penance. as justice. as love.

#x #the devil judge #the devil judge meta #this is a long one fjlaskdf oops #but YALL this is my last ask!!!!!!!!!! im finally caught up!!!!!!#holy shit thank you to anyone who has sent me asks the past 3 months while this show was airing too #i know ive been slow to answer but!! I DID IT!!!!!!!!#of course feel free to send more if you want but i feel so happy to have gotten to everyone #AND if you sent me an and you haven't seen it #it possibly didn't go through and i am so so so sorry #i haven't ignored anyone who has sent me anything so please send again if you want

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xoxo-ren-xoxo · 3 years

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Tommy’s (and Tubbo’s) Character /rp /dSMP

This is a bit of a rant so like be warned. I have nothing against any CCs mentioned in this, this is all roleplay, lighthearted, and just a bit of fun analysis. Mostly this is a ramble about how I see certain people analysing Tommy’s character on tumblr and twt, and why I think they’re wrong. This isn’t directed at anyone specific, just a trend I’ve been seeing that kinda irks me. I don’t dislike the fandom, just a few ‘takes’ have been really weird for me.

TW for everything below: analysing the effects of trauma, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of therapy.

I’m not really liking how victim-blamey everyone is getting currently in the dSMP, both in fandom and canon. In canon with certain characters but especially in fan analysis posts and especially about Tommy and Tubbo. People legitimately celebrating that Tommy might start ‘apologising’ for his actions more and 'growing as a person' somehow don’t realise that hes been made this way through a tonne of negative reinforcement. abuse, and gaslighting. And people blaming Tubbo for actions he had no choice in, rather than the actions he did choose.

Currently, as I see it, Tommy is so scared that anyone would find a reason to be pissed off at him that his fighting spirit has been completely crushed. He was exiled and abused when he should have been helped and given an understanding figure to guide him and teach him how to deal with things non-violently. In everyone’s eyes, the problem was that Tommy was creating violence with no real reason, acting recklessly and commiting crimes. Tubbo, having made him a part of his cabinet, knew that this would only harm the country. So instead of talking to him reasonably, he got angry, put him on trial, and punished him with the logbook (humiliating him by making him report back to Fundy, which he obviously hated). Tommy’s actions were, of course, bad, but did he deserve everyone ganging up on him? No. Especially when Tubbo was supposed to be in his corner, helping him out like he always said he would (”It’s me and you vs Dream” etc). This is the first betrayal of trust from Tommy’s POV. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong to its full extent, and no one can explain it to him.

However, Tubbo was under a lot of pressure from Dream and George, and he’s a literal child President, so his ‘safety over friendship’ actions are understandable. I don’t believe Tubbo is solely to blame for anything he’s done in season 2, but it can’t all be excused. If you are to blame Tommy for his recklessness, you have to blame Tubbo, at least partially, for his disregard for Tommy’s feelings and mental state. There were other ways to go about the entire thing, including the trial, which was just horrible to watch, and agreeing to give Dream the disc, something Tommy gave him in pure confidence that it would be safe with Tubbo. Yikes moment.

At that time, Tubbo knew a lot of things about Tommy. In fact, he probably knew the most about Tommy out of anyone on the server. He knew the discs were incredibly important and a comfort item for Tommy. He knew Tommy had trauma from being exiled in the past. He knew Tommy was abused, or at least manipulated by Wilbur, in addition to growing up in war. Wilbur once told Tommy to stop being reckless, and Tommy listened, changing his attitude because he looked up to Wilbur so much. Then Wilbur said ‘let’s be the bad guys’ and stopped trying to mentor Tommy. There’s a conflict here, because Tommy was told by Wilbur that he wasn’t good enough to be President (links to the idea of ‘not being strong enough’) but he knows that Wilbur was a bad person. But Tommy is never given the chance to reconsile his feelings surrounding Wilbur, both because of Ghostbur and because of the conflict he starts with George. So he is harbouring a mixture of emotions about his mentor and brother, not understanding how to untangle the ‘real Tommy’ from the manipulated boy he became.

What was going through his head when he stole from George and griefed him? Perhaps the thought that he needed to show he was still the same old Tommy. Maybe the need to ‘prove himself’ as a strong person? It could have just been an outlet for his trauma. He’s grown up in a world where everyone is either a friend or an enemy. George isn’t a friend. How was he supposed to know that hurting him was bad?

Tubbo was pressured into the actions he took against Tommy, but he was pressured far too easily. There is no moment where Tubbo turns to Tommy and makes sure he’s okay, he views him as ‘selfish’ and overdramatic, and sees his actions that way. This makes sense from Tubbo’s POV, he’s struggling to be President in ways that Wilbur *knew* he would, but in Tommy’s eyes this is the worst betrayal he’s ever known. The moment Tubbo (rightfully, but poorly executed) defies Tommy’s plan to hire Technoblade (ahem, seeing Techno as a weapon again) and exiles Tommy is the moment their friendship shatters. They’re two people who don’t understand each other anymore. Two people who are technically in the right, but only hurt each other.

What Tommy needed was a therapist, instead he had Dream, who put out the fire of rebellion that made him so strong, and Techno, who was trying to help but doing it in the wrong way.

People see tommy's change post-exile as a good thing because he's not as rebellious anymore and he’s thinking things through a lot before he does them, but they will soon realise that his rebellion was one of his best traits and the fact that no one saw it as anything but a problem really shows. He now second-guesses himself so much and is so scared of being wrong that everything seems too difficult and too dangerous. Every trait can have a positive and negative side. Tommy's defiant nature would have made him the perfect negotiator with a little practise. In fact, he had plenty of good ideas before he was exiled (using spirit against Dream, though it didnt work in the end, for example). The negative side of this was recklessness and the desire to cause problems on purpose, but what he needed was a friend (looking at you Tubbo) who understood that hes been through several wars, was manipulated by Wilbur, and hasnt known a time of peace where everyone who wasnt on his side was out to kill him. Now that ‘fight’ is gone he's just become easier to manipulate.

He may be getting better (see: telling Dream to go fuck himself) but there hasn't been any long-term growth because he was never told what kind of rebellion was good and what was bad. He was just told it was all bad. By Dream (and by Tubbo). Who he doesn't trust. So he's just going to revert back to his old ways because no one told him what was bad in a way that didn't make him feel like everyone was against him. Dream is the enemy (though Tommy’s feelings towards him are complicated, they make his brain go all ‘flippy floppy’) and Dream told him that rebellion was bad, so rebellion must be good always, right?

And then there's Techno. Techno did nothing wrong except for when he did. Techno is 100% right except for when he isn’t. He doesn't understand Tommy because Tommy was never fully open about what Dream had done and how it affected him. That's not Tommys fault though, because who the fuck openly talks about their trauma? So neither of them are to blame for pretty much anything up until the confrontation at the community house.

However, Techno's methods and ideology were not what Tommy needed. He was thrown from one extreme to another over and over again, from complete subservience to total rebellion. Neither of these inforce good attitudes in Tommy. One, as stated before, makes it so that he will regain his negative traits again. The other reinforces those violent traits as good, just like Wilbur did. The only difference is that Techno had good intentions, he wasnt trying to use Tommy, which is why he feels so used when Tommy 'betrays' him (Techno doesnt realise that he himself betrayed Tommy by teaming with Dream, he sees it more as a transaction than a personal thing). Techno feels so hurt by Tommy ‘viewing him as a weapon’ that he goes on with his no-mercy attack, completely dropping Tommy at his lowest point.

Tommy says he doesn't want to be like everyone he's hated. In fact, he say's he is 'worse' than all the villains. This is very obviously untrue, though he was clearly going down a dangerous path with Techno's influence (see: bullying Fundy, spawning wither, kidnapping Connor, and saying that the discs are more important than Tubbo, more on that later). He's not a villain but who exactly has said he's not a villain. Dream? Techno? Neither of them can be trusted in his eyes. They say he's a good guy, Wilbur wanted to be the bad guy, who's right? He doesn't know. He has a crisis of morality.

And? Some people want to point at that and say 'aha! Character development! He's finally realising his actions have a negative affect on others!' OH GOD NO??? He's a *child* who thinks that he is worse than his abuser. Does that sound like positive character growth to you?

Lastly, the discs. We know theyre a comfort item blahblahblah. He hates himself for valuing them more than he values Tubbo. He's literally innocent in this. He’s been horribly manipulated by Dream to believe that the discs are worth anything. Theyre really not worth anything if they are being used as tools rather than, yknow, discs. My poor boy. He doesnt trust people, so what can he trust? The discs. But then he says it out loud and realises he misses Tubbo and he wants to be with his best friend again and and and WAHHHH. This also isnt really character growth its just fucking sad leave me alone.

Anyways what the fuck guys. @ Niki and Jack what the fuck. Yeah we get it it’s miscommunication but wtf. Kinda worried that the actual lore will make Niki and Jack’s hatred of Tommy justified in some way and take on a big victim-blamey vibe, but I’m hoping that everyone is smart enough to not do that. I cannot praise Tommy enough for how he’s portrayed his character. I’m currently hoping that he himself understands the true complexity of it all. I’m sure he does.

Mostly though im actually pissed off at all the people praising tommy's character for 'maturing' when hes literally just got trauma. Nice one, tumblr and twt users. Thanks. Great job. He hasnt 'learnt his lesson', he’s traumatised. What the fuck.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, leave your responses in the reblogs and comments.

#dreamsmp #dream smp #character analysis #dreamsmp analysis #analysis #critical #tommyinnit #tubbo #dream #technoblade #wilbur soot #tw trauma #tw abuse #tw gaslighting #tw manipulation

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hopelikethemoon · 4 years

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Bright Star || Moonbeam II || (Ezra x Reader) {Werewolf AU} [smut]

Title: Bright Star Rating: Explicit Length: 5,300 Warnings: Smut (slight cockwarming, Ezra being a menace, sex) and gratuitous poetry reading. Reader Details: To the best of my knowledge, there are no references to Reader’s physical details, beyond being a bisexual woman. I tried my best to keep it as vague as possible. Notes: Oops, I wrote another chapter (one of hopefully many more). It’s spookytime and I’m a monster fucker that can’t be tamed. Part two of Moonbeams (read it before you read this chapter!)

Taglist: @thedaysarenotfull @princessbatears @djarin-junk @absurdthirst @hdlynn @legally-a-bastard @opheliaelysia @heather-lynn @sabinemorans @crazinessgraveyardsandcartoons @pedrospunk @maybege @chews-erotically @katlikeme @lose-eels @youmeanmybrain @theindiealto @irishleesh93 @seawhisperer @hdlynn @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @theindiealto

When you first returned to Lykaois, Ezra refused to let you into his transport-turned-home. He peered out at you through the barely cracked durasteel door and told you that he needed another day alone.

He promptly sealed the door closed and left you standing in the brisk morning air. You left War & Peace sitting outside the door, but took the cheese back with you. He could have one — but not both.

You went straight back to your own transport, despite the strong temptation to venture out beyond the now-familiar path. You weren’t sure if it was Ezra’s warnings — or the stories you’d heard back on the Block.

Shiva had been horrified that you wanted to return to Lykaois. You hadn’t told them about Ezra and maybe you should have. But who would’ve believed you?

“I’ve met a very unusual man who happens to have a very talented mouth. Don’t worry, he’s just a reclusive werewolf who can’t leave the moon he lives on. I’ve decided to forgo the next steady harvest cycle to stay with him between full moons.”

There was no way Shiva wouldn’t drive a stun gun into your thigh and have you checked over on the next medical freighter to dock at the Block.

Especially not after Shiva had rattled off a long list of failed voyages to Lykaois. The rumors were not without truth. Miners gone missing, survivors raving about great beasts, and a few failed voyages from the infected who went mad somewhere in hyperspace.

You were desperate to get your hands on the list — the names of those that had allegedly perished on Lykaois. You wanted to know if Ezra was on them. But you didn’t want to pry.

In the short window of time that you had spent with Ezra, you had gathered that he was a private sort of person. He kept himself distant from the others who were like him, he spoke often of solo missions, and he provided only a scintilla of information about his life before Lykaois.

You had done a lot of foolish things over the course of your life, but Ezra was the wildest endeavor yet.

He wasn’t like anyone else you had encountered — and not just because of what he was. It was his books. You were good at very little, but you prided yourself on your collection of books and his own collection could rival yours.

Ezra knew quotes by heart that you thought only you had memorized, stowed away in your soul in case you ever lost your books or your sight. There was very little to care about beyond the greed that had torn the galaxy apart. But books always mattered.

The passing of written knowledge separated man from beast, didn’t it? Perhaps that was what had kept Ezra grounded, when the others had lost themselves.

The next morning brought with it the same cool weather from the morning before.

So you ventured just outside the door of your transport, with Northanger Abbey clutched in one hand and a small stool in the other.

Ezra had said he needed one more day. If he was ready to see you, he could come to you. You weren’t going to risk the journey through the forest, just to be shut out again.

You understood why. He had just transformed into a monster — he needed time. But it still stung to have the door slammed in your face with very little explanation.

Hopefully he was enjoying War & Peace and the litany of annotations you had made in it, up until the point you had left it at his door. You hadn’t had quite enough time to finish reading it through.

A branch snapped somewhere just beyond the clearing where you had landed the transport. You narrowed your eyes, scanning the forest line hesitantly.

“Ezra?” You questioned hesitantly, your voice raised just enough to pierce the nearest parts of the forest.

Another branch snapped and your fingers tightened around the spine of your book. Maybe you should go back inside —

A stag emerged from the treeline, at least one that looked not so dissimilar from the etchings you’d seen once. Larger perhaps than what people used to see, but with wide-reaching antlers and tar-colored patches of fur.

The stag seemed disinterested in you, more concerned with finding a grazing spot for himself and the flock of does that trailed from the forest behind him.

Cervos. You had seen them mentioned in one of the fauna pamphlets Shiva had found whilst planning how they would rescue you from Lykaois.

You sank back against the hull of your transport, crossing your leg over your knee and propping your book open there. You could coexist with a herd of cervos enjoying a crisp morning feast.

The moon hadn’t been fully explored — for obvious reasons — but from what you had seen, beyond Ezra and his kind, most of the creatures were docile.

You let yourself get lost in the first handful of chapters of Northanger Abbey, sucking happily on one of the honeysticks you had found for Ezra.

If he didn’t show up today — the cheese and honey would be off the table for this trip. You’d given him War & Peace because he needed something to do to pass the time, especially if he was still recovering from his transformation. Food would be reinforcement only if you got to ensure he was alright.

You cared and maybe that was the problem. Ezra hadn’t fully warmed up to the idea of you coming back to Lykaois, right up until the last few minutes before you left.

A harsh growl interrupted your thoughts and your eyes snapped up to see the whites of the cervos’ eyes as he and his herd tore off across the clearing. A beast — a true beast — emerged from the forest, eyes lingering on you only briefly before chasing after the cervos.

You scrambled. Blood rushing in your ears as your heart pounded in your throat. Your favourite shawl caught in the hermetic seal of your door as you made it inside and you didn’t even care — not so long as you were in one piece.

That didn’t look like anything you had seen in the pamphlets Shiva had shoved in your face. That seemed… large and terrifying.

A bi-ped beast that stood well beyond the height of any mortal man. Was that what Ezra looked like? Was that Ezra?

Maybe you should leave. Head back to the Block and jump on whatever shitty enlistment was left on the rosters. Probably the Green — they loved sending the low-draws out on those missions.

But even fear hadn’t soured the honey-sweet taste on your tongue. Ezra had said he needed one more day. You would give him one more day.

Hope waned as the sun dipped down below the horizon. You sat in the cockpit of your transport, watching the last light slip out of view through the nav-window.

Ezra hadn’t shown and as badly as you wanted to go to his transport and tell him you were leaving — you were haunted by the face of the beast you had seen. Intelligent eyes on a fearsome form.

It had to have been Ezra. Even like that there was something about his eyes. Kind eyes. Warm eyes.

A knock echoed through the quiet corridor of your transport. Once and then twice.

You kept one hand on your weapon, keeping it holstered at your hip as you moved to open the door — just a crack. You peered out through the space into the inky black night.

“I know I’m late, moonbeam,” Ezra said as he stepped into your line of view, the faint glimmer of stars above lighting his face.

“I was going to leave,” You told him, keeping the door partially closed.

He chuckled wryly. “I wouldn’t have blamed you.”

“Are you… are you okay?” You questioned, opening the door a fraction further.

“As well as one can be after the full moon.” He sighed heavily. “I can come back in the morning.”

“No.” You knew you were taking a risk, but you pulled open the door anyways. “Come in.”

Ezra seemed to be carrying a weight on his shoulders as he stepped over the threshold. He needed new clothes. You hadn't thought to bring any this time — but he had on the same threadbare khaki green reg shirt he’d worn last month.

“I thought about coming this morning,” He admitted to you, awkwardly shifting on his feet. “But after breakfast I was exhausted. I’m still exhausted.”

“So you slept?” You questioned, taking a shuffling step backwards, before turning away and making yourself busy with ensuring the transport was secured for the night — though you’d already let the danger inside.

Ezra hummed quietly, “I fell into the most illustrious of slumbers, little lamb.”

“I have so many questions,” You admitted, glancing back at him. “But I don’t want to pry.”

“You have been quite magnanimous with me,” He pointed out, folding his arms across his chest. “I think you’re justified in your questioning.”

You turned back to face him and held his gaze, “What do you look like when you change?”

His brows furrowed, but there was no light in his eyes that told you that he knew that you had seen him — or a creature like him. “I’ve never seen my own reflection, but… the beast that attacked me was larger than a bear.” He scratched at his jaw thoughtfully. “Broad.”

“I see.” You looked down at your feet for a moment before reaching out to touch him, fingers brushing over a fraying spot on the shirt, just below his collarbone. “I resisted the urge to do my own research.”

“Really?” Ezra cracked a faint smile, meeting your gaze. “I thought you would’ve returned with volumes of forgotten lore about my kind.” He waved his hand grandly.

“Easy there Edgar Allen Poe.” You tapped your thumb against his collarbone.

“There’s someone I haven’t read in awhile,” He hesitantly reached out and trailed his fingers down your side to rest at your hip. “Thank you for War & Peace and for the notes…”

“I made it through half of the novel before I started back here.” You brushed your fingers up the column on his throat, cupping his cheek. “Maybe I’ll add more notes before I leave again.”

“I think I would like that,” Ezra murmured, leaning in to kiss you. His hand snaked around from your side to the small of your back, pulling you towards him as you brushed your lips over his.

You grabbed at his side, fingers sliding over the soft fabric of his shirt as you leaned against him. You let him guide the kiss — savoring the quiet hesitation of his movements as he explored your mouth all over again.

Ezra guided you backwards, pinning you against the cool durasteel wall. He felt so much larger than you — all that wiry muscle felt like a solid mass beneath your fingers as you ran your hand up his chest.

A quiet growl rose up in the back of his throat as your fingers slid through his hair, tugging at it just right. The sound reminded you of the beast — the massive hulk of a monster that could have torn you in two with his hands.

You tensed and Ezra must’ve noticed the way your body went rigid beneath him. He rested his forehead against yours, “You found the honeysticks.”

“What?” You blinked up at him, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. “Oh! Yes. I have the cheese for you too.”

Ezra exhaled heavily, before taking a step back. “I apologize if I ever overstepped—“

“No.” You shook your head, grabbing at his forearm before he could slip out of your hold. Maybe you should tell him what you saw. “It’s I, um.” You chewed on your bottom lip. “It’s new for me.”

His eyes narrowed briefly as he studied your face. “Right.” Ezra breathed out, “Am I right in my recollection, that you have a lovely copy of Keats?”

“I do,” You slid your fingers down his arm, taking ahold of his hand and guiding him down the corridor to your quarters. It wasn’t much.

A thin mattress topping the alcove bed that was just large enough for two. In a tight transport vessel, space had to be used wisely. A panel slid down from above the bed, transforming it into an additional desk space — not that you needed it. You had more than enough space for just you.

“Make sure yourself comfortable,” You told Ezra, releasing your hold on his hand to move towards your stack of books. You knelt down, skimming your fingers over the spines until you spotted the book you were looking for.

Carefully, you pulled it from the stack, balancing the other dozen books just right so they didn’t tumble over. “Keats’s Poetical Works.” You said as you brandished the worn green book and ran your thumb over the gilded gold design along its spine. “Which is your favorite?”

Ezra had crowded himself into the alcove of your bed, scratching at his scruffy jaw. “Ode on Melancholy.”

“I don’t know what I expected,” You shook your head offering him a wry grin before flipping open the book to the index page, finding the number and turning to it. “No, no, go not to Lethe, neither twist. Wolf’s-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine; nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kiss’d.”

“Wolf’s bane. I had forgotten that line.” Ezra mused, his eyes raking over you briefly, before settling back on your face. “Go on.”

You cleared your throat, shifting somewhat nervously on your feet before continuing. “By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine. Make not your rosary of yew-berries. Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be. Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl. A partner in your sorrow’s mysteries; for shade to shade will come too drowsily. And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.”

Ezra watched you with a quiet reverence that you weren’t certain any other lover had looked at you with. It was hard to rectify the beast you had seen in the morning, with the man laying in your bed.

You closed the book abruptly, faltering on the last few lines of the poem. “Sorry.”

“Little lamb, what is it?” Ezra questioned, his jaw clenched tight as he scooted to the edge of your bed. “I can go. There is no reason for me to overstay your—“

“I saw you this morning,” You blurted out, biting down on your bottom lip until you swore you tasted blood.

“What?” He stared back at you blankly. “How is that possible?”

You blinked slowly, “Maybe it wasn’t you, but I saw someone this morning.”

Ezra swallowed thickly. “Did it try to hurt you?”

“No.” You shook your head, closing the distance between the two of you, sinking down onto the edge of your bed beside him. “I was sitting outside reading and this herd of — I think they’re called Cervos — were grazing. This… this thing came out of the woods and.” You drew your knees to your chest, resting your chin there as you stared straight ahead. “I saw it’s eyes… your eyes.”

“I thought I had control.” Ezra’s voice wavered. “When you showed up yesterday, everything was still on fire.”

“It’s been days since the full moon.” You tilted your head to look at him, “Are you using the lunaxium?”

“Yes.” He dragged his fingers through his hair as he hung his head. “I knew you were coming back, I wasn’t looking to ruin this. Not like this.”

“Ezra,” You whispered, reaching out to curl your fingers around his shoulder. “You haven’t ruined anything. I’m here, aren’t I?”

“Foolishly.” He reached up and took your hand off his shoulder, rubbing his thumb over the back of it as he brought it to his lips. “You should’ve washed your hands of Lykaois. There’s nothing here for you.”

“You’re here.”

“And what am I?” He questioned, a sharp edge to his voice. “I don’t do pity. That may flatter others, but I’m not one of them. This can go nowhere. I will either hurt you or you will get bored and frankly, I prefer the latter.”

Your mouth felt dry as you turned to stare at him, “I don’t do pity, either.” You managed, “And for someone who seems so hellbent on convincing me to leave, you’re holding my hand awfully tight.”

Ezra looked down at your entangled fingers.

“I could’ve left after what I saw this morning—“

“You should’ve.”

“But I stayed.” You squeezed his hand tight. “And I let you in.”

“I could hurt you.”

“We’ve been through this, Ezra.” You held his gaze. “I nearly went back to jump on a voyage to the Green — I’m aware of imminent danger.”

“A dangerous journey to be certain.” His tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip. “I wonder if I ate the cervos.”

“What?”

��I woke up starving, not at all like I’d just eaten my fill of a fresh kill.” His brows furrowed together.

“I didn’t stick around to find out.” You made a face, leaving him with Keats as you got up from the bed to retrieve a honeystick from a pouch hanging off the corner of your shelf. “Here.”

Ezra caught ahold of the stick as you tossed it to him. “You are an angel among the stars, moonbeam.”

“And you’re stuck with me.” You told him firmly, hands on your hips. “Not just because I bring you food.”

He flashed you a crooked grin that didn’t last nearly long enough as he sank back into the alcove of your bed. “You have blessed me with both companionship and the comforts that my belly has not known in many moons. Even if it’s a fool’s errand.”

You watched as he tore open the end of the stick and sucked the honey from the tube. “I believe it tasted sweeter on your lips.”

“You’ve been among poets for too long.”

Ezra winked at you, “Again and again, their spellbinding words keep me comfort on my loneliest nights.” He gave you a curious look, “And who keeps you warm at night, lamb?”

“Jealous?”

He pursed his lips, “I don’t think a man bound to a moon has any place to be jealous. I am simply curious to know what life is like for someone beyond my little world.”

“I’m not terribly exciting,” You admitted with a shrug as you sat down beside him again, removing your holster from your belt and settling it on the floor by your foot. “My last dalliance was two years ago?” You questioned, trying to recall just how long it had been. “We met at the cantina on the Block.”

“Gambling?” He questioned, before licking at the honeystick to get the last sticky drops.

“I won the lion’s share that night.” You smirked at him. “Beat her less than fair and square and still woke up to her in my bed.”

He nudged your leg with his knee, “Impressive.”

“She was.” You arched a brow at him. “Played the long game too, because she stole a unit of cabalton from my room before she left. Worth more than anything she gambled away the night before.”

Ezra laughed, shaking his head. “It would seem you have a type.”

“Oh?”

He nodded slowly, “That little trick sounds like the cunning games I once got up to. Perhaps this is karma.”

“Well, karma was kind enough to allow me to cross paths with you.”

Ezra frowned, picking at a bit of fuzz on his shirt. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I’m going to bring you new clothes when I come back,” You told him, reaching out to bat his fingers away from the fraying spot where the fuzz was. “Would you like that?”

“You have only been here one day, little lamb. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

You ignored him, “What size shoes do you wear?”

Ezra sighed heavily, “You’ll have to get me out of them to find out. I haven’t a clue, honestly.”

“Men.” You huffed. “I’m sure you’ll be out of everything sooner or later.”

“So sure of yourself.”

“Says the man who tried to pin me against the wall within minutes of me letting them inside.”

“I—“

“I would be lying if I said I hadn’t envisioned something exactly like that since the last time.” You waved off his worries. “Will you read Keats to me?”

“Of course,” Ezra plucked up the book as you shuffled your pillows around so you could prop yourself up at his side.

You were lulled into an unfamiliar contentment as he breathed steadily beside you, your eyes fixed on a little patch of belly that was visible where his shirt had ridden up from his pants.

He licked the tip of his thumb as he turned the pages to his poem of choice.

“Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art— Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night. And watching, with eternal lids apart, Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite. The moving waters at their priestlike task of pure ablution round earth's human shores or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask. Of snow upon the mountains and the moors—“

You were transfixed by the way his tongue never faltered over a word, his eyes scanning the page like he was revisiting old friends that he once knew as fondly as you knew them.

“No—yet still stedfast, still unchangeable, pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast. To feel for ever its soft fall and swell awake for ever in a sweet unrest. Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath, and so live ever—or else swoon to death.”

You should have known he’d choose Bright Star. Of all the poems, of all the pieces, it’s quiet longing, the comparison of nature and man’s unwavering steadiness — it seemed right.

Ezra tilted his head to look down at you, warm eyes meeting yours. It was hard to rectify what you had seen at the forest’s edge with the man beside you. They both had the same soft chestnut hair, the same kind eyes, but one looked made to tear you apart and the other looked—

“Does Keats always have such an arousing affect on you, little lamb?” He questioned, setting the book aside so he could curl his arm beneath you.

You felt a warm flush burning at your cheeks as you tilted your face towards his, “I think it had everything to do with the man reading Keats.” You traced your thumb over the scar on his cheek.

Ezra ran his tongue over his bottom lip, working his jaw slowly as he searched for his words, “After what you saw this morning, I understand if you would prefer that we just rest.” He told you, dragging his fingers over your side.

“I should be afraid,” You brushed your fingers through the hair that fell against his forehead, combing them back to toy with the blonde patch of hair. “But I’m not, Ezra.”

He caught your hand, rubbing his thumb over your palm. “Did you think of me while you were gone?” Ezra questioned, looking hungrily between your eyes and lips.

“Yes.” You felt a shiver race down your spine as he slotted his fingers in between yours, sliding his fingers against yours before curling them around your hand tightly. “But my fingers are poor substitutes for your cock.”

Ezra growled as he crawled over you, roughly dragging your arm above your head and pinning your hand back against the mattress. “I could still smell you in my bed.” He told you, pressing his thigh between your legs.

Your free hand slid under his shirt, greedy fingers sliding over his warm skin, nails scraping down his back. “Can you smell me right now?” You asked, rolling your hips towards the knee he had pressed between your thighs.

He pressed his face into the crook of your neck, breathing heavily. “I could smell you yesterday morning,” He told you, releasing your hand and sliding his fingers down your forearm. “My sweet little lamb, coming to my door with thoughts of our last encounter burning at her core.”

“Ezra.” You moaned softly, curling your fingers into his hair. His mouth was a menace — his tongue flicked out over your pulse point, lips hot on your skin as he breathed out raggedly against your throat.

His teeth scraped over your skin before he pulled back to meet your eyes. His warm brown eyes, were dark— pupils blown as he focused on you. “Tell me, little lamb… did you wish you had found more of the beast, than the man yesterday? Was it tempting fate that made you wet?”

You inhaled sharply, sitting up to help as Ezra peeled your shirt off your body. His questions swirled in your mind and you wondered if he knew that those words alone had made that knot of arousal coil tighter within you. Because maybe they were true — before you had seen the beast for yourself.

“Maybe,” You retorted, less certain of your voice than you realised. “We can talk about our twisted fantasies after you fuck me.” You tightened your grip on his hair and dragged him down for a kiss.

Ezra growled against your lips. You both fumbled with each other’s pants, struggling to divest yourselves of everything that kept you from each other.

You did have a twisted fantasy. You had lost count of how many times you’d revisited it in the time away from him. Running through the forest — hunted down by a fearsome beast that made your blood run hot in your veins.

Ezra swore under his breath as he slid off your underwear, tossing them into the pile of discarded clothes alongside your bed. “I wish you knew how sweet you smell, little lamb.” His hand wandered down your stomach, slipping between your thighs to part your slick folds.

Your head fell back against the mattress and you moaned out his name as he teased you.

The beast always caught you. Claimed you. They were such vivid dreams — ones that you woke up from drenched in sweat and clenching around nothing but the memory of Ezra slamming into you.

You scraped your nails down his back as you looked up at him, eyes half-lidded as settled between your thighs.

“Can you take me, moonbeam?” He murmured, gliding the head of his cock over your sensitive cunt.

You nodded and that was encouragement enough.

Ezra gripped at your hip hard enough to bruise as he buried the entire length of his cock into you with one swift thrust.

“Don’t be gentle,” You urged him, tugging at the hair at the nape of his neck as you wrapped a leg around his hips, trying to drive him on. “Come on, Ezra.”

“Shh.” He murmured, brushing his fingers over your cheek as he looked down at you. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” You didn’t hesitate — even if you should’ve.

“I want you to come for me. Just like this.” Ezra dropped his voice low. “I want to feel you come on my cock. Can you do that?” He questioned, brushing his thumb over your clit.

“Fuc— yes!” You nodded your head, curling your fingers around the back of his neck as you looked up at him.

“Is this what you thought about?” He questioned, his eyes staying locked with yours as he stroked his thumb over your clit, keeping his cock buried within you.

You bit down on your bottom lip, rocking your hips towards him as you arched your back up off the bed. “Never felt this good before.”

Ezra flashed a wicked smirk, “Always gonna think of me.” He dipped down to kiss you, his tongue playing over your bottom lip, seeking entrance into your mouth.

He swallowed up your moan as you felt your body start to shatter around him. Your inner walls pulsed around the thick length of his cock as he kept a steady rhythm with his thumb against your clit.

“Oh stars.” You hissed out, grabbing at his shoulders for support as he started to move above you, his fingers bit into your hip roughly, holding you steady.

Ezra’s eyes fell closed, your name on his lips like a silent prayer as he rolled his hips. He barely gave you any time to come down from your high, before fucking you into your mattress.

It was like white-hot pleasure coursing through you and you let yourself get swept up in the power of it all. Last time hadn’t been a fluke.

You traced your fingers over the scars that curved over the back of his neck, guiding him back down for another kiss.

Ezra’s teeth dragged over your bottom lip as he broke away from the kiss. “You covered?”

“Stim.” You promised him, shifting your arm enough for him to catch sight of the slightly raised patch on your arm. “Don’t stop.”

And he didn’t.

Ezra caught your hand in his, intertwining your fingers and pinning your hand back against the bed as he filled you — again and again. His pace was brutal and you had a distinct feeling that you’d be feeling this tomorrow and the day after.

He pressed his face against the hollow of your throat, breath hot against your skin as he stiffened above you, his release spilling within you.

How were you supposed to just leave Lykaois and forget this? Where else could you find a man who loved to read as much as you did, whose honey-sweet voice spun golden webs of magic for your ears, and fucked you like a—

Beast.

You lazily dragged your fingers through his hair. In a world where nothing was certain, nothing was guaranteed sometimes it was worth it just to pursue the things that made you feel. No matter how dangerous they were.

Ezra rolled off of you, wedging himself into the space between you and the wall at the back of the alcove. “Damn.” He chuckled, raking his hands over his face, before nearly folding them against his chest.

You rolled onto your side to face him, reaching out to trail one finger down the back of his hand. “That good?” You teased lightly.

He nodded his head, before tilting his face towards you. “This has been good for me.” Ezra told you. “I can just forget for a few minutes.”

“It’s been good for me too.” You pressed a kiss to the curve of his shoulder, running your hand down his chest, over the soft skin of his stomach, before curling your hand around his waist as you settled into his side. “You’re not going to run me away, Ezra.”

“I don’t want to,” Ezra admitted, kissing the top of your head, exhaling heavily. “But if I’m not as in control of it.”

“When I go back to the Block, I’m going to do more research on Lykaois.” You explained to him, sliding your fingers over his side. “There has to be more that we don’t know.”

“I can…” Ezra dragged his fingers through his hair. “I can try to make contact with the others. Maybe they know more.”

“Have you ever interacted with them?”

“In the beginning.” He shrugged a shoulder, scratching at his jaw. “They’re feral even when they’re like this. A glimpse into my cruel future.”

“Ezra—“

He shook his head, “I have had five years to accept that one day, I will no longer be me.” Ezra tilted his head to look at you, a sad smile on his lips. “If only you had turned up earlier.”

You closed the distance between the two of you, pressing your lips to his. “I’m here now.”

#ezra (prospect)#ezra x reader #pedro pascal x reader #ezra (prospect) x reader

229 notes · View notes

generous1ty · 3 years

Note

Hi! Can I request the #31 angst prompt with Hajime and with she or they prounouns? I'm a sucker for angst lol <D

hihi!

aaaasgsjdkkd i am also a sucker for angst and love producing it-- and you chose Hajime so this is going to hurt. :)

update on the Prompt Event: sadly, i couldn’t get all the requests done today(i was busy getting the house ready to move). but, i’ll be slowly working on them until they’re done! apologies to anyone sending requests, as i’m currently prioritizing prompt requests right now.

thank you for requesting! lots of love. </3

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Bullet to the Heart

Angst Prompt 31 with Hajime!

link to the prompt list!

genre: comfort angst warnings: swearing, yelling, affair/cheating accusations, just angst in general </3 word count: 1.5k

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the house you stayed in felt more like a “living space” than a “home”.

Hajime Hinata was partially the reason why things were so different; late nights out, drinking with friends, the silent treatments, the cold shoulders... but even so, you could hardly complain-- avoiding any contact with him, leaving packaged foods you cooked on the table, locking yourself in a different room than the one you both slept in.

it was so different from when you both first moved into the house.

you could reminisce about the times when you were both deeply in love-- trying so desperately to make things work, even though the odds were against you both. you could remember his smile, the way he’d longingly stare at you and reach for your hand, whispering in your ear,

“we will make a future for ourselves.”

oh, how you wished those words still played now.

currently, you and your partner were at the dining table, eating in silence. it had been days since you had last talked-- you don’t even remember the last conversation you had.

despite how rough things were, he had still decided to come home early. it was definitely a good thing, right? improvement in your relationship, a sign that he wanted things to get better, right?

Hajime’s pale-green eyes had looked at you, his hardened stare softening at just the sight of you. he had missed you, but was going through things all wrong-- he knew that. he knew that yet his actions still continued-

why was he doing this? he’d often ask himself that. was he looking for excitement? adrenaline? the rush he had felt back in college? he had settled down with you, but things just never felt right anymore.

his frown was apparent-- not that you noticed-- and he had swallowed his food to speak, “i... decided to come home earlier today.”

god damn it, Hajime.

his act of communication had startled you, but your gaze did not meet his, “yeah...”

talking to him seemed hard now. although you longed for his touch, his voice, the loving stare he’d give you even if you were doing nothing, you couldn’t even manage talking to him-- something you’ve wanted to do for so long.

“....i’ve been stalling at work, lately. i’m currently picking up coding to manage online affairs,” he continued, trying to ease the unnecessary tension and get a conversation going.

you peeked up at him, finally looking him in the eyes, “coding..?” you had managed to push out, “isn’t it complicated?”

you had given a soft chuckle, something he missed hearing. his mouth perked up into a small smile, happy to contribute to the discussion.

“it is,” he admitted, feeling comfortable to complain and expose a weaker side to you that he hadn’t been able to do in a long, long time, “it makes my head pound most of the time.”

ah, his smile. it had widened as he talked, and made your heart flutter uncontrollably. yes, this was it. this was what you needed. a heart-to-heart, a simple talk.

the smile that had made its way on to your face had subtly died down, sighing, “...what went wrong? why are we like this now, Hajime?”

your focus had been on your hands, gently cupping the empty plate in front of you. what had gone wrong? what in the world happened that you felt the need to isolate yourself from him? ignore him? avoid him? why did you feel like this interaction would be the only conversation you’d have with him until the routine started over again?

“i... don’t know,” his voice had interrupted your thoughts, painfully reminding you that you had initiated this conversation. whatever happened next was your fault, “but, why don’t you know? you’ve been contributing to this-- this stupid charade ever since it started!”

your eyes squinted, brows furrowing, “what-- what the hell, Hajime?! if you hadn’t started drinking with your coworkers or going out at night without me knowing, maybe i’d feel more comfortable around you!”

you just raised you voice at him-- you just raised your voice at him. you hadn’t done that before.

your heart beat loudly in your chest, hands trembling as your vision started to blur. what? what? was this your fault?

“you never even came to check up on me, where else am i supposed to go?!” he raised his voice, throat burning from the friction.

he never once though that he needed to-- not around you, at least. why was he yelling? why did he feel hurt?

“fuck, [Y/n]! how do you expect me to talk to you when you’re never there for me?!” he stood up, the chair behind him screeching against the marble floor, “i obviously needed to go somewhere else, right?”

you grit your teeth, letting out a shaky breath, “how is this my fault?! if you had just talked to me then maybe things would have been alright-- but now we’re in deep shit because your actions-- not mine!”

Hajime made a sharp inhale, his heart practically jumping out of his chest. him? this wasn’t because of him, was it? his actions, things he did-- it couldn’t have been just him, it was-

“if i’m so unbearable and uncomfortable, maybe you should just go to your mistress-- fuck her until 2am, why don’t you?” your voice trembled with your hands, standing from your seat and leaving the kitchen.

the room, you needed to go to the room. you promised yourself you’d bring that up when you both were better. you promised that you’d talk about it in full detail once you and Hajime had fixed things. not now. not now.

“what--” Hajime’s eyes had peered at your back-- and you could feel it.

was he glaring at you? angry that you had found out about him and his affair? was he balling his fists in anger, waiting to blame it on you as well?

“you heard me,” you growled, “if i’m so hard to deal with, just move out an-and live with the woman you’ve been so intimate with every fucking weekend!” you couldn’t help the stutter in your voice, your breathing so erratic that it hurt your chest.

you couldn’t stop the tears that dropped down your cheeks-- almost as much as when you found the shirt with someone’s perfume and smudged lipstick on the collar.

it hurt. it hurt knowing the man you moved in with to start something amazing had suddenly found something amazing with someone else-- behind your back, at that.

"look me in the eyes and repeat what you just said." his voice rumbled, your eyes that avoided his gaze had finally looked at your lover, eyes shut as if he were thinking, “go on, i’ll listen.”

“the woman you’ve been sleeping with,” you repeated, “just go live with her since i’m so despicable.” you muffled the sob that threatened to spill out, stuck on the stairs because of this conversation.

as he opened his eyes and started to walk towards you, your heart had dropped.

was he going to pack his things? was he finally leaving? you were so surprised he dealt with you for so long-- so if what you were thinking of was really what he was going to do, you couldn’t help but agree.

but instead, his arms wrapped around you; tight, loving, longingly. he was upset, you could feel it in his embrace. but, he still loved you. despite your harmful words, your accusations, he was holding you as if you were leaving-- not him.

he let out a shaky breath, “i don’t have a mistress.”

“but-”

“that night, this woman from my company tried to hit on me-- she was really close to me that night and tried to initiate something by kissing my neck. we didn’t do anything, i stopped her before she could touch me anywhere else,” he sounded so sure, his hold on you tightening, “i promise this is the truth-- so please... if i don’t leave, please don’t go.”

you both had fallen on to the floor beneath you, arms around each other, thankful for the other’s embrace.

you had never felt such anxiety-- such shock before that night, and you never wanted to experience it again. you were apologetic for avoiding him, accusing him, belittling him. you had never once thought of listening to him or greeting him to see what was wrong. you had been wallowing in your own self-pity that it was embarrassing, but he felt the same.

it was heartbreaking you’d accuse him of something that shallow, but he couldn’t blame you. he was wrong for not talking to you and taking another way out, simply going out to drink and letting the alcohol carry his worries away. he was sorry for going out and coming home late, leaving without notice, drowning himself in self-pity as well.

you both weren’t perfect, that was a fact. you were both human, imperfections that still needed to grow and make decisions. those decisions will be hard, and it’ll feel as if you’d be backed away into a corner.

but at least you wouldn’t do it alone anymore.

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itsclydebitches · 3 years

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PFFFF The newest Witcher trailes LITERALLY throws shade! They have the 'Geralt, but you've been such lone wofl so long, what change' and deadass show JASKIER before later shoving Geralt saying 'Yennefer' like a cheap 'no homo!' excuse. I can't. xD Whoever edited it knows what's on. xD

I feel so conflicted about the Jaskier-Geralt relationship in the show because on the one hand, yeah, they're definitely leaning into this non-romance in a way that can get uncomfortable for some, how shall I put this... jaded viewers lol. We know they'll never be canon. No matter what else we might say about Netflix's inability to accurately adapt the books, Geralt/Yennefer has always and will always be endgame, so getting intimacy between Geralt and Jaskier in these particular ways (flirty jokes, bath scene, argument staged like a breakup), while not explicitly queerbaiting, can make viewers feel... icky about it all. Especially for any show-only fans who might not know that Geralt/Yennefer is endgame. Many viewers, particularly American viewers, approach shows as malleable forms of entertainment that can provide them with the representation they crave, provided the fanbase is vocal enough about wanting it. And the more talk that surfaces about major, crucial changes to the plot that reinterpret huge swaths of the books' purpose and intent, the more it can feel like they might just change Geralt's love life too! Even though they (obviously) won't. And frankly shouldn't given that this is supposed to be a faithful adaptation.

Yet on the flipside, the Netflix versions of Jaskier and Geralt don't feel intimate to me at all. Their hostile introduction, Geralt outright punching him, the continued performance of 'I'm a big strong manly man who can't admit that he cares about others,' reducing decades of their bonding to a surprising, throwaway line, that argument when Geralt blames Jaskier for all his problems... it's terrible and I've never liked this dynamic for them (even as I, somewhat hypocritically, play with it in fic). So I'm like, you're intimate enough that fans are starting to side-eye the creators' intentions and yet simultaneously not intimate in any of the ways you should be if you were actually faithful adaptations of the book. And these problems, I believe, go hand-in-hand. By ignoring the actual friendship of the books, Netflix has been forced to "prove" that they care for one another by falling back on tired buddy tropes that, historically, fans have used as evidence for a potential romantic relationship. By not writing Geralt and Jaskier as having the open, witty, philosophical, caring-but-also-taking-no-shit relationship they had in the books, Netflix has fallen back on a dynamic that isn't doing their show any favors. Fans either hate it, or love it to the point where they expect something of the show that the show can never deliver.

So it's a mess! And that mess hasn't done Yennefer any favors either. I'm really not in a position to be defending that pairing - I've never hid that I'm not a Geralt/Yen fan - but whatever the books did that made others love their relationship... I don't think Netflix is capitalizing on that either. In that other ask I brought up how in the games their relationship seems to revolve entirely around Ciri and sex. If they're not talking about their daughter (or if Yen isn't being cruel) their relationship is just about how horny they are for each other, which... isn't really a relationship to me. Or at least, not the deep, "We belong together forever, we're basically soulmates" relationship that the franchise is going for. Same with Netflix. I never liked the foundation of their relationship being an ambiguous wish that tethered them irrevocably and a quickie in the rubble as a replacement for actually getting to know one another... but Netflix takes those aspects and emphasizes them to a disappointing degree.

"You spent a lifetime alone. What changed?"

"Yennefer of Vengerberg."

Yet when it comes time for the trailer to show us what this deep, insightful relationship is that changed a man after an entire lifetime of wandering alone... it's just sex. That's literally all Netflix is able to show us because that's the only meaningful interactions Geralt and Yen have had together. Here's a clip of them falling into bed together and Geralt, without any of that emotional work shown to the viewer, professes that he loves Yennefer the way she's always wanted to be loved.

Here's a clip of the joke we got where Jaskier is gaping over them having sex on the floor post-Yen nearly killing the lot of them.

I'm like... what out of any of this is meant to be appealing to me? Besides the fact that they're both hot as hell? (The casting does make my little bi heart happy lol.) For me, Geralt and Yen are a classic case of a story insisting they're meant for each other because That's Just How Stories Work, without doing any of the actual, you know, work to show us why they like each other, or how they got there, or why these superficial things (the sex is great!) trump the huge hurdles they should be working through. The games might have their flaws, but god bless 'em for letting the characters point out, "Hey... how do we even know this love is real and not just a byproduct of the djinn's wish?"

Geralt and Jaskier, as established, absolutely have their problems in the show, but I can understand why so many fans ship them over Geralt/Yen. And no, though bigotry can play a part, we also can't demonize the entirety of its popularity with, "You just hate women/are racist/creepily obsessed with queer men/whatever the latest accusation is." Rather, the popularity exists because, whatever their faults, it feels like they actually have a relationship in the show. We see them developing together in a way we simply don't get with Yennefer/Geralt and because that development isn't largely reduced to sex scenes—the narrative trying to pass every bonding moment off as True Love, with True Love equaling physical attraction—it comes across (at least to me) as more realistic and believable, especially given Geralt's character, someone who is emotionally closed off. If Vesemir (I think it's Vesemir) asked what changed and we deliberately cut to that moment of Jaskier leaving after Geralt drove him away... I'd more easily believe that yeah, this relationship is causing Geralt to rethink things in a way he hasn't for an entire lifetime. We've seen them travel together, become (begrudging) comrades, defend one another, do favors for each other, tease each other, have a major fight that they'll inevitably make up from, Jaskier is presented as Geralt's first friend, and none of this is tied to a questionable wish, or passed off as the totality of Geralt's development.

The fact that Netflix would include those lines, cut to a legitimately heart-wrenching moment between Geralt and Jaskier, but when it comes times to show his relationship with Yennefer, the most powerful moments are her without him (smashing the mirror, undergoing her transformation, stepping out in her new body for the first time, etc.) and their moments together are just sex—one of which is used partially for comedy—well... that just illustrates the problem for me. What relationship? The one that supposedly exists simply because the story says it's there? I don't think I'll ever be a Geralt/Yen shipper, but I'm perfectly capable of separating my personal preferences from subpar writing choices. Netflix is far into the latter. The way that they're adapting the story is, imo, hurting both fans of the book material and fans who are on the fence about book material. Because so few of these changes are working well, we've lost all the good the books contained and are now stuck with so much new bad. Basically, "No one liked that."

Except, of course, for the Geralt/Jaskier shippers riding the coattails of those tropes... though many will likely be disappointed and hurt by the series' end when they're not made canonical, with others growing frustrated with how the fandom has turned on them simply for liking what they were given. It's really turning into a lose-lose for everyone involved.

#witcher #twn #twn critical

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sepublic · 4 years

Text

Analyzing Ordinary

I notice how she looks at me

But I pretend that I don’t see

It’s easier if I let the tension subside

We’ve got Luz being willfully ignorant of Amity’s longing looks, no doubt because she doesn’t want to get her hopes up, as if Amity would be interested in someone like HER, because Luz still has her issues of self-loathing, of inadequacy… And combined with how much she thinks the world of her friends, she probably sees all of them as being too good for her! Not to mention letting the tension subside could allude to the idea of Luz letting Amity confront her feelings at her own pace, not to mention any reservations about falling in love because she doesn’t want Amity to reciprocate and get in trouble with her parents for it…

I’ve seen it in the books I read

A magic that you cannot see

There’s no limitations

They wear it with pride

But the characters I read never act or look like me

I can’t depend on them to lead me through the right door

Luz has read about it in The Good Witch Azura, not just the idea of being in love, but no doubt a brave and defiant love against what others have to say, and against one’s self-doubts! But Luz not only doesn’t think of herself as being as cool or confident as Azura… But she also knows from firsthand experience that she can’t project her book’s fantasies onto real life, that it’s gotten her into trouble in the past and almost jeopardized relationships!

Luz is afraid that maybe she’s just projecting her books onto her relationship with Amity, imagining romance where there isn’t, and is thus setting herself up for disappointment and possibly making Amity uncomfortable… And even if she SHOULD follow the books’ advice this one time, is Luz good enough to be like Azura, when she knows that in the end she isn’t? Not to mention ‘door’ could be a reference to the portal back home, and Luz feels like if she gets caught up in fantasy and/or following romance as the Azura books guide her to, she won’t ever go back to her ‘rightful place’ in the human world!

And what’s the point of falling when I know I’m only stalling

Cause I have to go back home

Where I’m just one in the herd

Tripping over my words

Trying hard to go with the grain

Keeping the quirks in my brain

There’s the obvious allusion of Luz being resigned to the idea of going back to the human world, because as of now she hasn’t yet aired the idea of simply… staying behind in the Boiling Isles, because she feels beholden to her mother Camila, about whether or not she’d approve, not wanting to reject Camila –especially if Camila makes Luz choose- etc. Not to mention, there’s a pretty obvious reference to Luz being neurodivergent, but at the same time…

I feel this could ALSO apply to ideas of classism, and the Blight Parents’ elitist attitudes! How Luz is probably telling herself that she isn’t good enough for someone of such higher social standing as Amity, someone who was born above her, has worked harder and has ‘proper’ magic… Luz knows her ‘real family’ is either with Camila, or with Eda and the others; It’s not amongst the upper echelons of the Boiling Isles hierarchy, where Amity lives. Luz doesn’t see herself as fitting in with Amity, and she doesn’t want to jeopardize Amity’s life by having the girl fall in love with a ‘commoner’ like her… Especially since Amity is so much more talented, right?

Plus, Amity is aiming to join the Emperor’s Coven, while Luz is actively defying Belos and even fought and wounded him! What if they end up on opposite sides of this conflict, with opposing ideals and beliefs…? Luz doesn’t believe in the Coven System, so why fall for someone who’s going to help enforce it? Those are Amity’s beliefs, not her own… Luz has to stick up for what she knows and believes in, especially after what she and her friends have been through! Not that Amity can be personally blamed for choosing the Emperor’s Coven, but at the same time…

I’m on the brink of discovery I think

But what if I’m dreaming

That’s what it seems like

There’s Luz, discovering her own self-worth, that she’s a lovable person… Discovering actual romantic love with someone she knows, discovering what Amity truly feels like deep down… But on the other hand, maybe she’s just projecting again, or being too wishful? Maybe it’s just like Adegast’s illusions.

Cause this girl thinks I’m part of her world

And that new territory’s scary

If I turn a handle

Am I asking for a scandal?

Should I try to be ordinary?

‘World’ could refer to the Boiling Isles, but it could also refer to Amity’s life in general and her social circles, etc. How Amity thinks Luz really is worth it and good enough for her, risking what her parents have to say! And sometimes Luz isn’t sure if she belongs in either the human world OR the Demon Realm… The idea of being in a romantic relationship is new and unusual to Luz, as is the idea of exploring a crush that could be reciprocated, but also rejected!

Luz is also worried of the ‘scandal’ that will be caused, not just for the potential rift and embarrassment that will ensue if she’s wrong, but again, because she doesn’t want Amity to get in trouble with her parents for falling in love with a ‘lowly human’, a sentiment Luz may secretly, at least partially, agree with. So, should Luz try to be ‘ordinary’, stick with her own ‘level’ of people? Stop trying to project and fantasize and be realistic about the situation?

Not to mention, Amity aims to be a part of the Emperor’s Coven Luz is so against… What if when trying to be with Amity and be good enough for her, Luz gets wrapped up in the Coven System, and falls for its propaganda and elitist ideals? She doesn’t like the Emperor’s Coven and doesn’t want to join it to be with Amity… Can Luz still love Amity while still being so distinctly her own, separate person from everything else that the Blight girl is and aims to be?

And of course, handle… The ‘handle’ to a door, perhaps the portal leading to the demon realm? If Luz continues to stay in the Demon Realm, is she just asking for trouble? If she heads back to the human world, does she end up crushing Amity’s heart? And perhaps the ‘door’ isn’t referring to the portal, but simply the door to Amity’s own world in the Blight Manor.

mmBAAAAAAAAH!

Classic Luz noise.

I’ve always been a little odd

The only pea inside the pod

That’s not an expression I’m guessin’

Oh well

We have Luz not fitting in, not just back home, but also in the Boiling Isles as a human who can’t perform magic the conventional way, as an outsider to the Coven System, AND Luz also not being of the ‘upper caste’ that the Blights belong to. Only pea, only human, only child, etc. Luz is making up words and expressions, she’s always had a unique way of expressing herself, and if the current ways don’t do a sufficient job of capturing herself, then Luz will MAKE her own method of properly expressing who she is! Just as she found a way to do Magic without bile!

See that’s exactly what I mean!

I’m just as awkward as I seem!

Plus she makes me nervous

I hope she can’t tell

Again, Luz’s self-loathing is coming back into play, she’s good at hiding her own insecurities at times, but in the end, while she’s learned and grown so much… Sometimes, the trauma of years of isolation still comes back to bite her. Not to mention, Luz remembering that she doesn’t fit in with Amity’s ‘people’, getting mad at herself for not living up to a certain standard imposed by either society or herself for her friends… Etc. Then we have Luz being nervous about all of the other stuff I’ve mentioned beforehand, and she doesn’t want Amity to notice, not just because having your feelings known is mortifying, but she also needs to be the girl’s ‘fearless champion’!

Not to mention the allusions to Adventures in the Elements and how Luz acted then… Luz is nervous about messing up when she really DOES want another friend, romantic or otherwise! To Luz, she’s already messed up and hurt Amity’s feelings before, and after Amity gave her another chance when she didn’t have to, Luz doesn’t want to appear weak or make Amity doubt in her decision… She wants to validate Amity’s trust by being worthy of her love! Like, she knows the girl already had self-doubt issues already. This is the closest thing she has to a fresh start since the Abomination Incident and Luz wants it to be GOOD.

What is it she sees in this cluster clump of me

Or could it maybe be I’m going crazy?

Once more we have Luz defaulting back to seeing herself as a freak and not being good enough for Amity, especially after all of the times Luz has blamed herself for hurting Amity’s feelings! She doesn’t want to hurt Amity, and that’s even assuming Amity is actually interested in her at all to begin with!

And hey who am I kidding?

This isn’t some sweet beginning

Just a detour to the end!

Once more, we have Luz remembering she needs to go back to the human world/her place in society. None of this is permanent, she has other places she ‘belongs’ to, and it’s certainly not by Amity’s side, even if Amity is always welcome around her… This as far as Luz’s relationship with Amity will go, especially given what the Blight Parents have to say!

[Repeat]

Do I rewind? Induce amnesia?

Pretend I didn’t see her?

Succumb to stupid fear?

We’ve got the obvious callback to Little Miss Perfect, which really ties up how Luz and Amity are two sides of the same coin, but are ALSO struggling with the same issues with coming forward, because they don’t see themselves as good enough for the other, wonder what the other sees in them, if they’re just delusional and/or projecting, not to mention their different places in society and how they’ll both go towards different directions… And it’s silly, these girls are afraid of the same thing and it just goes to show that they really need to believe in themselves more! But it’s also sad, because again, self-loathing. Then we have ‘stupid fear’, which could be a callback to Grometheus, with Luz not facing the challenge of being frank to Camila about where she truly feels at home, ergo she decides to instead just go along with what Camila says, rather than face her fears!

Or just believe in my heart?

Why play a part?

Why follow the herd?

Why not trust in my words?

Don’t wanna go with the grain!

Why try to make myself plain!

I’m on the brink of rediscovery I think!

So what if I’m dreaming?

I like the scene that I’m in!

Finally, we have Luz practicing self-love and belief in herself! Why bother playing a part, in either the human world or the Coven System (especially since she already attacked Belos)?! She’s defying her previous doubts about where she ‘really’ belongs, because Luz belongs with those she loves and vice-versa, and no social class will stand in the way of that! And if Luz can trust in her words to cheer up and inspire others, if they can trust in what Luz has to say… Maybe she can finally take her own advice to heart for herself?

So why bother? Why bother trying to stick to her place in society, why not stand out and reach a hand to where Amity is, not just to be with her, but to ALSO be a powerful Witch in her own right! Luz is rediscovering who she is, her placement in this world, her relationship back home and with her mother, her feelings towards Amity and vice-versa, magic in general… There’s so much more to do and explore, why go back on that now? She’s always been a curious soul!

And so what if Luz is dreaming? Even if one needs to be wary of confusing dreams with reality, it’s important to still have SOME fantasies, that sometimes it’s not about being realistic or being pragmatic, or doing the ‘useful’ thing, it’s about pursuing who you want to be and being happy with it! That’s what Eda taught her, and we see how unhappy Willow was when trying to be in the Abomination Track with its ‘more opportunities’.

Not to mention, this line could also be in defiance to how the Reality Check summer camp and others before have accused Luz of being delusional, of no doubt being too much in her head and hyper-fixations… But what’s wrong with that, really? What’s wrong with being neurodivergent, and passionate into one’s interests? Luz likes the Boiling Isles, she likes her friendship with Amity, she likes who she is and she doesn’t care what others have to say! If she can defy Belos, she can defy the Blight Parents!

And this girl is a part of this world

The thought of being normal’s far more scary

I’ll be brave and I’ll be kind

I’ll make a choice and change my mind

I will mess up all the time

They’ll say I’m weird but I’ll be fine

I’ll be anything but ordinary!

Once more, Luz sees Amity is not just a part of the Boiling Isles, but a part of the found family she feels happy and accepted in! After seeing what conformity has done to others, after witnessing what it was like back home, the idea of losing all that is too much for Luz! Luz will be brave, not just for others but for herself, she’ll be her OWN fearless champion!

She’ll make a decision and change her mind on herself as a lowly person who isn’t worth it, as someone who needs to go back to the human world… Plus, Amity’s ‘world’ could also be her place with the Blight Parents and the Emperor’s Coven, which Luz KNOWS is toxic for her, and she’s seen what it does to others- So if she’s so against the system for this, why not go in and try to save Amity from it as well?

Amity being brainwashed like your typical EC witch is far scarier than any pain of rejection that Luz may have; She needs to do this for Amity, too! Being in subservience to her parents and/or Belos is NOT something Amity deserves, and as her fearless champion, Luz will protect Amity!

And Luz knows she’ll make mistakes. She knows she’ll ‘mess up’ in the sense that she’s neurodivergent, that she won’t be doing things the proper way for either world she’s a part of… That things will be messy, that she’ll do the ‘impractical’ thing and go by her emotions, instead of just being ‘smart’ and keeping her head down, and not defying the natural order or whatever.

She’ll make mistakes, and that’s okay, Luz isn’t a terrible person just because she isn’t perfect, that yes she HAS hurt Amity in the past, but that doesn’t mean she can’t make a change, especially not when she’s already done so much for Amity otherwise, especially not when even someone like Lilith can begin making amends! Not to mention, mistakes are an outlet for learning… Luz is learning not to be overly-critical of herself, as she was no doubt taught by a school system that punished her neurodivergence.

Luz knows that she’ll never be ‘perfect’, that even if she does improve herself, she’ll still screw up here or there in her relationships and whatnot… But if she can be forgiving of the mistakes of others, why not her own? Especially when others feel the same! And others may say she’s weird, but you know what? Considering others’ ideas of what conformity means, maybe that’s a good thing!

And Luz has always known that her rightful place wasn’t with ‘the herd’, but with her own weird, outcast group of weirdoes! It’s who she really is, and being weird is Luz embracing herself and her identity! Quite frankly… She’ll be anything but ordinary, because whatever she is, whatever the potential she has, and there’s SO MUCH of it…

It’s definitely not going to be the person she used to be, or who others wanted to be! And even if Amity doesn’t reciprocate her romantic feelings, well. Luz still learned to defy a ‘natural order’ in the end, as she always will! She’ll still be friends with Amity. And she’ll still be someone who can believe in herself, so why not? Why NOT give it a try?

#the owl house #owl house #lumity #the owl house ordinary #the owl house luz #luz noceda #the owl house amity #amity blight #little miss perfect #joriah kwame

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zenosanalytic · 3 years

Text

Growing Up is Hard; It’s Hard and Nobody Understands

So I noticed netflix has Neon Genesis Evangelion up last week and started watching it front to back for the first time ever(this happens to have coincided with me being in a down-mood for your edification, dear readers u_u), finished it today, REALLY liked it, and I wanted to try my hand at explaining what the hell is even going on in NGE cuz it actl seemed super-clear to me(a person who has been consuming NGE analysis and post-NGE media for literally 25 years) u_u

Surface Plot; Or NERV: What the Hell Is It?

I’ll try to make this as brief as possible: An organization of super-wealthy individuals calling itself Seele(looking this up, it means soul in german) wants to possess the power of God. The final third or so of the series is clear on this; it’s all about power. Ikari Yui, a geneticist, is recruited by this organization, and her husband Gendo(having taken her name which says a LOT given typical Japanese practice) comes with her. In seeking out this power, they discover a hollow sphere underneath Antarctica(”The White Moon”), send an expedition there under the guise of the UN, encounter an entity with this power which they label an “Angel”, and do SOMETHING which prompts it to explode the continent flooding the earth and killing half the population(that Gendo left beforehand implies this may have been intentional, or that a bad outcome to Seele’s approach was easy to predict, tho in typical Gendo fashion, his is the only ass he cared to save).

Afterwards Seele blame the scientists for this outcome and send Gendo on a salvage mission which recovers both remains of the Angel, now dubbed “Adam”, and a device they dub “the spear of Longinus”. Seele creates Gehirn to study these remains for practical use; they clone “Adam” and dub the result Evas(Eves). Having cloned them, they now need a way to use and control them as the Evas are non-responsive. They hit on the idea of injecting people into them via the Entry Plug system, presumably to act as a brain. The first person to try this, Ikari Yui, was absorbed by the Eva(Unit 01); the second(Soryu Kyoko Zeppelin; Asuka’s mother) was partially psychologically absorbed by Unit 02, psychologically and mentally injured by this, institutionalized, abandoned by her shit USian husband Langley who remarried to her LEAD DOCTOR, and eventual kills herself in a hanging which Asuka either is the first to discover or, given her memories of promising to die with her/begging her not to do it, was present for. An important thing to note about this: Shinji and Asuka’s ability to sync with their Evas comes from the fact that their mothers are PART of their Eva’s identity, and all of their classmates are potential pilot-candidates. The implication here is that Seele KNEW this happened when you put adults into an Angel, and they KEPT DOING IT ANYWAY to create more pilots, but there’s no confirmation of that in series.

After the attempt at human adult control fails, Gendo combines Yui’s DNA with Adam’s and creates Rei. At the same time he is doing this another team, under Akagi Naoko, is developing Magi, a biomechanical computer for simulating the human mind(again: certain implication to this re: Evas though the series never says anything). Naoko is romantically interested in Gendo, and they start getting together(Gendo’s too much of an asshole to be said to date, I think). After Rei, a toddler, tells her Gendo calls her an “old woman” in private, not realizing this is insulting, Naoko kills her, then kills herself out of shame over having MURDERED A CHILD, and Gehirn is folded into a new organization, NERV, which Gendo is put in charge of. Rei forms the basis of the second attempt at controlling the Evas; child-pilots.

How they use Rei for this I’m not exactly sure. It could be because Rei is cloned from Yui(she easily syncs with Unit 01 before Shinji bonds with it completely), or because she’s part Angel via her Adam element(Kaworu says Angels merge with one another easily and naturally), or it could be they did something with Rei I’s corpse and Unit 00(I dont see how as it seems to require a LIVE pilot). Regardless, she is raised to be the pilot for 00, the prototype. MUCH later, when the rest of the Angels finally decide to come looking for Adam, Shinji is called in, and after his success Asuka(who like Rei and unlike Shinji has been training to pilot her whole life) is called to Nerv headquarters(under Japan, in the “Black Moon”; a second spherical hollow where they found another Angel they call Lilith) too.

Regardless the child-pilots are only a step in Nerv and Seele’s plans, as Rei is ALSO the template for the Dummy Plug system, the final step in complete control of Eva units. To put it simply, the Dummy Plugs are Rei-clones without her personality or memories, and will just do whatever the heck they’re ordered to. At least once during the series(and I’d argue two, possibly three times) Rei dies and is replaced by one of these clones through some process, which involves what looks like a pre 00 Eva’s spine and probably a Magi-like backup, which transfers her personality and memories into the new body.

So what is Nerv? Well it’s hard to say EXACTLY because Gendo is in some sort of conflict with Seele(and I want to keep my watches of End of Evangelion out of this post; to focus entirely on JUST NGE itself) and Nerv IS Gendo, but as the series states repeatedly it’s an attempt to control the future of humanity by controlling what they call “the power of god” which, given that it’s what most distinguishes the “Angels”, is the AT, or “Absolute Terror”, Field. What is the AT Field? It’s a field that can make or unmake any kind of matter or energy from basically nothing, and it also seems to have a strong tie to what you could call the Ego; to desires and sense-of-self. An AT Field gets stronger when the person generating it is experiencing powerful emotions; Confidence, sure, but also Fear, Abandonment, the Will to Live, and Anger.

That last bit is very important. Why? Strong AT Field effects require a powerful emotional motivation in the pilot combined with high sync-rates with the Eva(basically a lobotomized Angel-clone) generating the Field. The three pilots we meet, the Strongest candidates, are all exceedingly traumatized people, and Gendo is the direct cause of the trauma of two of them. At no point in the series is Gendo ever a good father to Shinji, he is CONSTANTLY unreasonable, neglectful, and cruel to him; he’s kinder to Rei but at the same time her loneliness, the state of her “home”, and her lack of self worth shows that he rarely interacts with her outside of missions or explains what’s going on beyond bald facts; and he COMPLETELY ignores Asuka, a deeply lonely child with a history of abandonment and close brushes with death; he even delegates bumping her from the program. This point is important because it’s important to recognize that Gendo is a bad dad on PURPOSE; that he instrumentalizes his bad dadness to traumatize Shinji(and Rei and Asuka, though sadly the series doesn’t focus on them enough for us to see much) as much as he can, because he thinks that trauma, that emotional instability and anger, MAKES SHINJI A MORE USEFUL PILOT; ie lets him generate more powerful AT Fields. This is never said clearly, but it’s clearly what’s going on as forcing Unit 01(and thus Shinji) into awful, heartbreaking, life-threatening situations is vital to his plan. Gendo’s a piece of shit, and I want ppl to recognize just HOW BIG a piece of shit he is, because I feel this powerfully.

And for what? For Power. To be “God”. To get the highest numbers. To generate the MOST Invincible Invincibility Shield. For Ridiculous, Absurd, Childish reasons. For, you know, the same reasons rich and powerful people do all the fucked up shit they do in the real world where giant magic robots thankfully DONT exist.

And how do they plan to do this? Through “Human Instrumentation”, which will literally kill everyone by turning them all into goo.

Metaplot; Or “SHINJI! Don’t Get in that Robot!!”

So, maybe this is just because(as said previously) I’ve been reading NGE Analysis and consuming media which NGE heavily inspired for ~25 years, but I think it’s old hat at this point to note that Neon Genesis Evangelion is ALSO an allegory for becoming an adult, centered on Shinji. However, it’s just really SO on the nose in this, so PERFECT as such a narrative, that I want to run through it real quick. Also: A Cruel Angel’s Thesis is basically a thesis-statement for this series; please check out the lyrics.

So Shinji is living under the guardianship of a teacher(yup: this series even takes a swing at how our society uses schools to warehouse kids so their parents can waste their lives producing “Value” instead of raising them), when the shitty dad that abandoned him decides he has a use for him after all and calls him up.

On meeting with a child he has not seen SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM ON THE STREET WHEN HIS MOTHER DIED he immediately ambushes him with the command that he get in a huge body(that he grow up) to do what? Whatever Gendo tells him to, but specifically: commit acts of violence for Gendo and Seele’s profit. He tells him this will protect people; meanwhile doing it destroys those peoples’ literal homes. The rest of the series is a series of monotonous, incomprehensible “Tests” judging his, and his peers, worthiness for approval and affection on the basis of how well they can use those giant bodies to do what Gendo tells them(so: capitalist work), punctuated by unpredictable, brutal, traumatizing, and physically dangerous events(so: capitalist work). Every friend, and the one lover, he meets, he is placed in unnecessary, destructive competition with and, when they are male, forced to attack and(in the case of the one lover, Kaworu) kill them; this last comment on homophobia is so stark and obvs I don’t even feel like you can CALL it subtext, even IF it plays out over mostly a single episode(honestly this plotline should have been given more time). And all the time they’re doing this, they must ALSO continue going to school and maintaining the front that they’re happy smiley Heroes, completely normal and not traumatized at all, and Nerv and the government that lets them run this city is a great and wonderful organization. Is this not what becoming an adult, over your teens and 20s, feels like?

And then there’s Seele and Nerv. Able to move state governments as they wish, Seele CAUSED Second Impact(Global Warming). By not returning Adam’s remains, they’re CAUSING the Angel attacks on Nerv meant to retrieve them(the threat of Human extinction). The Angels eventually begin trying to communicate and Nerv’s response? Destroy them before they can; blow up the Evas(and their pilots) if they succeed. And to top it all off Seele and Nerv are actually trying to CAUSE the very extinction(Third Impact) they claim to be preventing! Seele and Nerv are just SUCH good metaphors for capitalism in our modern day.

The transwoman reading of Shinji also seems pretty dang strong to me, though I’ll only deal with it shallowly. Shinji is the only “male” of all the pilots. Outside of command and security, most Nerv staff are women. Being an Eva pilot, being Nerv staff, is marked as “feminine”, and Shinji is an Eva pilot; is a Nerv staffer. The body he gets into, Unit 01, acts as a metaphor for the large, imposing, masculine body he’s expected to have as an adult “man”, yet it’s also spiritually his mom -feminine- and his ability to use it is tied DIRECTLY with his ability to “Sync” with that spirit; with his ease and comfort being feminine. Even at the level of mere aesthetics, Shinji’s plugsuit makes him appear to have breasts! Going a bit deeper, he initially relates to the women around him by relating to their gender. He’s most at ease with Rei because of the personality traits she shares with him which, we know from his gender-policing of Misato from earlier in the series, are traits he considers feminine(ie: he doesn’t feel like Misato has them, so he thinks she’s being a woman “wrong” and gets oddly offended by this in a way that really feels more about him than her). Asuka is constantly expressing her frustration with him for not “being a man”, ie, for being “feminine” in her eyes, and he isn’t really bothered by it(her calling him an idiot seems to stick much more firmly). Misato and Shinji establish a modus vevendi when she accepts him as he is, allowing him to do the household chores and to cook; he’s comfortable and happy when accepted into roles his culture considers feminine, while most of the series is him bucking AGAINST the masculinity forced on him by Nerv, his father, and others. Again: this is a very surface-level engagement with the subject, but even at that shallow level I feel like the case for reading Shinji as a transwoman is pretty solid.

Dislikes

It’s not a perfect series by any means of course.

There’s allot of dialogue that’s pure 90s nonsense, though the series mostly includes it only to shoot it down.

Like I said above, I don’t think Rei and Asuka really get the time or attention they deserve. In general the series treatment of women is ...Weird... especially around the issue of sex. It’s really strange; in many ways it’s far better than most anime(spcl from that period) on this. Women are ACTUAL PEOPLE with psychology, opinions, and pasts; they’re allowed to have emotions of their own, and struggles, and to be damn competent; they are independent and their own selves rather than accessories or “prizes” to men. But on the issue of feminine sexuality it just gets suddenly so weird in this very particular old-school misogynist way. Like: it treats women’s attraction and reactions TO relationships as something devoid of and impenetrable to reason, without belittling the emotions(the desire and hurt) behind those reactions. That’s the only way I can describe it, and it’s so strange to see something that is both so insulting and sympathetic at once. Oh, and the Akagis in particular are done super-dirty for seemingly no reason I can see, tho I can guess, and Akagi Ritsuki is CLEARLY a lesbian(possibly bi lesbian) and also Rose Lalonde(srsl; her Deal should have been an unrequited, unspoken crush on Misato. They openly dealt with queerness re: Kaworu and Shinji they could have done it here too).

The Kaworu storyline should have been a series of episodes or even developed from the start with him as another pilot(maybe replace Toji with him), though they’d have to tone down his weirdness, at least at the start. A deeper dive on Shinji’s sexuality(honestly his attraction to Kaworu is SO much more immediate and believable than anything we see with him and Asuka, which there is basically nothing of beyond the ep where they had to do choreography for a fight, and that’s not developed on) would have really been appreciated, and having Kaworu be a bigger part of the series would have facilitated that.

Also honestly the whole series feels a bit rushed? Spcl the second half. Like I said: I haven’t done any followup reading lately, but I remember there being some budget problems or something, so maybe that’s the cause. Ironically it might actl also be why it’s as GOOD as it is; having to keep it short forces you to write concise and lean, and that’s probably why its themes and message are so clear. But, I’d have liked more rambling for character development, and more time spent on seeing Rei and Asuka react to the stresses we saw Shinji face(also they never really get moments to shine like he does; another negative common to the medium and genre). Asuka in particular, as a Japanese German with a USian temperament abandoned by her parents, already an outsider in SO many ways, coming to live in an entirely different culture where she’s even MORE of an outsider; forced to live with people(Misato and Shinji) she finds it impossible to relate to or connect with; who has literally NO ONE beside a single adult guardian who totally blows her off THE WHOLE SERIES after delivering her; PLUS her awful past: there’s just SO MUCH material I’d have loved to see explored more slowly and with greater depth, detail, and sympathy even if what IS there already is pretty powerful and effecting. She’s SUCH a good Vriska(so I’d also have loved to see her break more shit too >:>)

Conclusion

So Anyway: I really liked this series. It had its problems, there are things I’d have liked to see, but it absolutely deserves the reputation it has. I might write more about this, I might do a watch through INCLUDING End of Evangelion(which actl makes much more sense having watched the series, though having done so makes Shinji’s masturbation scene comPLETELY out of left-field like where the hell did THAT come from); we’ll see.

#Neon Genesis Evangelion #The Dreaded Animes #zA Reviews #zA Opinions

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