#it's not that dramatic

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm so disoriented today I barely know what to do with myself. I managed to get myself up and put together enough to get some exercise and keep an appointment this morning, but the whole time it was happening I barely had any idea of what was going on. You'd think I'd have done some sort of heavy drug last night, but no such luck. I just caught myself pacing back and forth across the same 10' of floor for so long, now I'm making myself sit down and try to reconstruct what happened yesterday.

I woke up at 8:30 and, mistakenly thinking that mass was at 9 instead of 9:30, I managed to get dressed and ride a mile to Star of the Sea in 25 minutes. Pretty soon Louise joined me, the sweet old lady who gave me a Catherine Labouré medal and taught me to say the rosary. I didn't have any beads with me, and she lent me hers so we could say one together. I've come to really enjoy it, and not only because I'm intensely orally fixated and I enjoy talking and chanting and singing; when repeated over and over, some things lose meaning, while other things gain it. You say these words over and over and as your mind tries to escape boredom, you start to really think about the phrasing, what was originally meant by it, how it changes if you emphasize one thing over the other. "Mother of God" is an absolutely wild thing to say, a description of the creation of the creator, it's like a riddle that bends time, like in the Sun Ra song that says "It's after the end of the world, don't you know that yet?" The amazing monsignor gave a homily about how outsiders and people on the margins--people who do not have religious training or conservative social indoctrination--are more likely to apprehend spiritual messages with thoughtfulness and imagination than people who really consider themselves religious (and who may therefore take their own religion for granted, or think there's nothing they don't know about it), and I felt like he must have been speaking directly to me. That guy can make you feel like that.

But it was right before he began the service that I noticed I had an email from someone who I was sure was dead. An old friend of mine who had gotten a raw deal in life and who was always on the brink of oblivion, I gave him money or food whenever I could but we both knew he couldn't be my ward forever, when I stopped hearing from him I thought there was no possible way that he had physically survived another winter in the city. I felt guilty, I had nightmares, but what could I do? I sometimes thought about calling hospitals, but it didn't make any sense, I wasn't even sure if he would have ID if someone found him. But apparently his estranged brother took him in and turned him around and he's doing a lot better; an impossible outcome. I couldn't believe it.

After mass I dropped off some clothing with the drycleaner for repairs (I wish I knew how to do anything), and raced home to have a televisit with my doctor about all my weird problems. Renewed a script, discontinued a script, scheduled x-rays, got a physical therapy referral. Chose not to say, "That medication you put me on has permanently ruined my skin and now I'm chronically dependent on 3 other medications with less-bad side effects and I'm staring down the barrel of indefinitely regular $$$$ laser treatments so I can handle my increasingly public job, I know you didn't realize this would happen but it did, so now you have to hear about how angry I am." We hung up and I drew my ex-boss his annual (late) Halloween card, a tradition I instituted a couple years ago, and it should arrive at his assisted living facility in Utah in time for his birthday. Then I tried to vote, and apparently even though I changed my registration when we moved and I received a confirmation of this change in the mail, they still didn't have the change in the system and they told me to go to my old polling place instead. I swear to god the past like several times I have voted, which is the simplest process in the world as long as you can fill in a circle with a pen, I have found myself standing in the middle of a circle of people all telling me some complicated thing I did wrong while everyone else in the room stares at us. I don't know why I'm so bad at absolutely every single thing, or what planet I'm actually suited to live on, but I can reliably find a way to make even the most basic adult functions into a spectacular embarrassment.

So I ran home to host this month's online horror lecture for the little academic org I'm part of, which was kind of intense. It became clear pretty quickly that the speaker just didn't have that much material and was done with her presentation little more than half way through her time slot, so I had to keep her talking for another hour to honor what people had paid for. It was pretty fun and everyone seemed engaged and even inspired at times, but it was also a lot of work that I wasn't expecting to have to do, and I had my cantankerous boss chatting me the entire time with anxious-making criticisms and suggestions while I was just trying as hard as I could to think on my feet and give everyone what they were owed.

I was pretty frazzled after that and decided I'd have a drink after I went to vote. I had to do that almost all the way back in our old neighborhood, so I decided to pop into the brewery by our last place. I couldn't help eavesdropping on this guy with a horror-related shirt I didn't quite recognize. We connected briefly about the underrated Karloff-Lugosi movie THE BLACK CAT, and also about Emo Philips, and finally I thought to give him a business card with my horror org info because he seemed like the target audience for what we do. He looked at the card with this stunned expression and said, "Are you Claire Donner...party of one???" Like yeah, but...what was going on? What should I say? And he revealed that he was an old customer from the comic shop I worked at for years, where my boss was the guy I had just made the card for earlier in the day. He remembered everything about me; he immediately told several really funny stories about me, and he recalled all the books I made him read and how good they were. However it may sound there was nothing untoward about any of this and we would up talking for an hour or two about all kinds of things (including our spouses, so mercifully there was no ambiguity there). What a great guy. I'm hoping that we'll spot each other again, the whole episode was very amusing and surprising.

I got home too late to help my husband with dinner like I promised, but I had been in touch and he encouraged me to stay out and have fun. Thankfully I have been cooking more than I ever have in my life lately (most recently roasted cauliflower soup with a merguez crumble, that was decent) so I didn't have to feel too useless, all things considered. He made an astounding scratch mac and cheese and we watched 30 Coins and went to bed.

Often if I have too much social exposure, I really need to like sit alone in the dark for a couple of days and get back to myself. I have boundary issues and I easily feel contaminated, even if my experiences have been positive. I don't really have time to do that today, technically--I have to do a live interview on Friday with this author about his new book on HP Lovecraft's time in NYC and how it affected his creative development, and I have a lot of supplementary reading to catch up on--but for the moment I just can't even think about anything. I'm using a thesaurus to try to remember the most basic words and I feel like I've completely lost my center of gravity. Time to watch some trashy movies and rest up so I have enough powers of concentration to make the balsamic & feta veggie roast that I was supposed to make last night, to go with the fish my husband is frying up for our dinner.

[serialunaliver]

come on man

[infectiouspiss]

"i won't do polyamory because i don't think it's for me and i'm personally uncomfortable with the idea" <- wonderful i love you live your life however you want youre amazing youre incredible

"i won't do polyamory because it's wrong/it's just cheating" incorrect i'm killing you then my boyfriend is killing you then his boyfriend is killing you then his boyfriend is killing you then his boyfriend is killing you then h

[jojotier]

i hate to say it but. the healthy eating people are kinda onto something. if you can figure out a way to get all your greens and proteins and fiber in ways that taste good to you you start to prefer the healthy option over junk food 7/10 times

[burningvelvet]

a twitter thread that actually killed me

[vivtanner]

The newbie's falling for the former captain of the guards ❤️‍🔥

[tangerine-brooks]

remember when nico told jason "yeah i had a crush on percy back then, but i was young and impressionable, i already got over it"? brother in christ you're still, like, thirteen, why are you talking about your elementary school crush like he's your ex-wife whose betrayal made you vow to never love again

[abisalli]

A long overdue ko-fi for the dear @darlinglissa !! Thank you for being so very patient with me <3 You get: Tim being an annoying little brother to Dick (because I've been reading a lot of 90s/early 2000s comics lately)

[mylittleredgirl]

okay tumblr’s exclusion from the twitter social media ban list is hilarious but genuinely we do not belong on there. if a real human person asks “where can i find you on social media” and your choice is a swift death or revealing your tumblr, most of us would simply expire. half of y’all change urls every week like you’re in witness protection. just imagine for one second attaching your wholeass government name to your latest two am clownposting and tell me that didn’t send a cold chill down your spine. the only place i ever want to see the words “connect with me on tumblr!” is on the ao3 profile of an author i’m actively stalking. anyone in the world can follow me except anyone i personally know. antisocial media.

[ditzybat]

jason in titans tower staring at bruce: how’d you know i was alive old man?

bruce: robin - tim - is an avid follower of your tumblr blog that has mysteriously updated after years of you being deceased

tim: mhm, at mrsbennetluvr88 started quoting hamlet and titus andronicus after years of radio silence, it was the only rational conclusion

jason: … at least you know your shakespeare…

[favroitecrime]

world war 3 jokes on twitter meanwhile none of them live in the region and none of them understand the severity of the situation. these next few hours will really determine whether or not we head into a regional war…

[sapphikatara]

zuko is already a hilarious character but he becomes even funnier if you give him a crush on sokka

[ceaselessbasher]

I arrive at the yarn store and grab a skein off the shelf, the exact same brand, type, weight and color of the one I bought a week ago. Everyone in the store immediately knows that I miscalculated the amount of yarn I'd need for a project. They start booing at me. They are throwing crocheted tomatoes at me. The old lady giving knitting lessons in the corner is shaking her head. She had such high hopes for me. The cashier spits at me when I pay for it.

[eefaevie]

parce qu'on s'est crié des mots qui ont sali tous nos plus beaux dessins, on a hurlé des chaudières d'encre noire sur le bonheur

j'expose ma tête, mes yeux, mon cœur et mes mains

si tu reviens

something quiet, gentle, and romantic for today. I’ve been assured it’s suggestive enough for @goodomensafterdark ‘s smut war, so enjoy this soft interlude with suggestive tummy ❤️

[hawberries]

everyone gets one of these, right?

[darishima]

made a chart of the straw hats' skin tones with the colors being screencapped directly from the episodes, to show how much they've lightened. this is more than just an "artstyle change" or "design evolution" or "just the timeskip" this is blatant racism/colorism. it's fucking ridiculous and i don't understand how toei is continuously getting away with it please reblog btw, i think this is something people should see