#journal for real writer's

[vansanthoughtz]

[sadiahakim]

But, dear heart! Don't be so harsh on your soul. We are humans and humans are fragile, we get tired of pretending to be strong. It's humanity, not weakness.

— Sadia Hakim // sadia hakim's writing journal

[beastsovrevelation]

Me writing gory scenes: blood was everywhere 💖💫🤪 shreds of flesh splattered all over the walls 😈✨🌸 bones sticking out of open wounds

Me writing sentimental scenes: so she like... hugged her daughter? 🙃 you know? 😅

[mitchyhawk]

journal entry

(creds to me if posted elsewhere)

[abeluser]

I propose Cry of Fear dlc/game that follows the plot of Alesana's album 'The Emptiness' (2009)

[borealopelta]

first publication of my academic career dropped yesterday btw. and i? am so fucked up about it

[princehendir]

It's definitely interesting how like corporate crackdowns on fanart are usually responded to in fanart communities as "well that fucking sucks. Screw Disney/Marvel/whoever". Whereas the vague idea of a copyright strike in fanfic comms is treated with a kind of, apocalyptic doomer vibe. Like no one's been told to take anything down in a while but omg what if they did? It would be so over.

[ruminate88]

All my life you hear, “Haters are gonna hate” and you try to convince yourself that “they hate you cuz they ain’t you” lol it’s jealousy…

That’s all cool until it’s someone that you love deeply that hates you and is jealous of you… then you can’t just laugh that off 😔 When you have believed they were your favorite person that you waited all day to talk to and then when they did come around, they try to act superior to you or smarter. They low-key are putting you down while pretending to have love eyes at you and you’re professing your undying love to them… 💔💔💔

My last relationship was away at college and so we would communicate mostly through Snapchat or kik, sometimes we had two convos going between kik and our phone numbers. He would sometimes message me in class but not always. He would seemingly be sooo busy and I would wait hours and hours for him. Then when it’s bed time, I would get those selfies on Snapchat of him turning in the for night, asking me how I am doing and telling me how beautiful I am. He would say how he wished I was there to cuddle him up and I felt so close to him…. However, that was the most positive of it all. His undertones and his nonchalant behavior towards my feelings, confused me from his words.

Me waiting allll day for hours wanting to get closer and wanting to be in his life. I tried to make plans to go visit him on campus and he had excuses of why it wasn’t a good time for me to come see him 💔💔💔 I KNEW there were red flags and lies but I wanted so bad to trust him and be with him. The way he flirted with me so much, he made me feel crazy good but now when I look back at everything else I missed, I see just how much negative energy there was surrounding him. I don’t believe now he ever really wanted to see me or be with me, even though he kept saying so. He promised me I was his priority and he was going to make more time for me but also tell me how “busy” he is with school and his frat bros. I would offer to break up and he’d whine to me about it and act upset at me. Very confusing!! I couldn’t get it right with him.

At the end of it all, he blew me off and downplayed our time spent. The nights talking before bed and sending pictures. Complimenting each other. Sending kissy faces and heart emojis. Calling me “babe” and promising me he wants me. Waking up to good morning selfies in the shower, asking me if I slept ok…. He might have wanted something from me but it wasn’t good. I’m not sure what it was or what it meant if nothing at all. Many days I sat in isolation on my phone staring at his saved selfies he sent me, letting tears fall as I beg him to be real. I had FaceTimed him more than once so physically, he was the guy in the photos but mentally and emotionally, he was just mirroring me and pretending with me. The way he subtly discarded me at the end, even though I’m the one who physically ended the relationship, he was checked out and moved on before that. It’s so clear to me now how I had rose colored glasses on and thought he was everything to me. The way his responses were shorter and empty. Very robotic and I begged him for answers. I was also very worried to say anything to upset him or push him away. 3 times I tried to break it off and “set him free” but every time he was so defensive towards me and promising me he would change for me. I told him over and over I wanted to be closer to him and spend more time. I was tired of feeling like I wait around on him to pay me attention and most of his attention was sexual. He promised it was more than that.

I believed him when he said after college he would find a good job and settle down and have kids. I believed him when he said he “did want to be with me in person” and that he did care for me but every time I was upset or sharing my feelings of sadness over him, he would always freak out and tell me he didn’t like that I was that way, he actually said one time, “you scared me talking like that”. He didn’t like when I cried because he can’t feel it back for me but yet he would always tell me what I wanted to hear. Make me believe I’m crazy for his behavior BUT his actions did not match his words. I KNEW IT but struggled to admit it. There were crazy amounts of fog and I was losing my mind going insane over him! I was so lonely in the relationship it was very very one-sided yet I loved him and was waiting for him to change.

I never knew possibly he had a fear of intimacy and that he couldn’t express feelings but also had other girls so, truly I look back and question was he just trying to look at naked women and talk dirty to us all?? I probably wasn’t even his main supply even though he’s calling me “babe” and promising me he doesn’t wanna break up. It made NO SENSE!!! He kept hurting me at every turn. 💔💔💔 I never saw his words as demeaning till after we break up and I open up about my mental health. The way he dismissed me and treated me like I’m only good enough to talk dirty to, I saw him in a different light and it was so hard to accept it all but I didn’t have a choice. He hurt me worse when I finally moved on, he had a new gf but he’s trying to FaceTime me but hangs up after a ring or 2. He wanted me to stay in trauma bond and in pain. He couldn't let me go on in my life without exerting himself in it. I’ve NEVER been able to make sense fully or get him off my mind. I asked myself so many times, “how can you love someone who treats you so badly???” But a trauma bond and obsession is NOT love. Understanding that has been a process in itself. The intermittent reinforcement of “ignoring me 2/3 days” but then suddenly messaging me “hey babe 😘 how have you been?” Acting like everything is normal but yet my heart was on edge so heavy and going in circles with him. I was up and down with him daily. I would stalk his Facebook calendar back then to figure out what he’s doing when he’s away from me. Often he wouldn’t update any of his socials unless he was just hiding me from his post but he would leave me grappling and begging for his attention. I’m sure it was on purpose but I just don’t have proof.

I don’t know when you forget if ever. I beat myself up saying it shouldn’t hurt at all anymore it’s been too long since I blocked his number. Should I beat myself up?? Am I crazy and pathetic the way Andrew made me feel? 🥺❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 Get him out of my system!!

[limirint]

I think that pacing is truly the most frustrating part of my writing process. I crave a slow burn!!!! But how slow should I make it? Should it even be burning yet? Maybe I should write an exposition about the matches first, that way I can lead into the flame— no don’t leave stick with me

[eastralyn]

Continued

Trigger warning; domestic violence

My first memory of my dad was a picture and my mom saying "that's your dad, that's what he looks like". I think she showed me the picture and told me to keep it so I wouldn't forget what he looked like until he came home next. I remember vividly that picture, from his large moustache to the white uniform he was wearing. In every picture I remember, he's on a ship. There's always ocean, there's always a ship and there's always him in these photos.

What I remember just as vividly is how he wasn't the person in the photo when I got home. He was always just similar to the pictures I had, but colder. More distant. I could never tell if he was happy to be home and I could never tell at the time why he never stayed. And that's how it's always gone with him. Glaring absences with sprinkles of presence. He always seemed miserable when I was young, the few times I remember with him.

I'd be so excited when he was coming home; so why wasn't he? Why wasn't he excited to see me? He seemed so annoyed with me wanting to soak up his every detail because I knew one morning he'd be gone; he'd morph into the voice on the other end of the phone and it would be another 6-8 months before I saw him again. He'd leave tons of presents for me and my mom before heading back to work. I have more memories of the things he bought me than himself as a person.

Still, my mom and I would follow him. It seemed random though; we'd spend almost a year in Miami so he could get education for his job. We'd spend time in Texas so he could have an easier time getting on the ship. We'd wind up spending a year in the Caribbean, which was the worst year for all of us. And each time, he'd leave or we'd leave, always back to New York. And I thought that's how it would always go; we'd leave together and then my mom and I would come back to New York alone.

The last memory I have of my dad in New York is the first time I realized my parent's relationship wasn't quite right. They has always argued a lot, but I would try to get them to hold hands, ask them if they still loved each other. But not this one night. This one night, my mom was cutting food in the kitchen and my dad was in there too. I think they were screaming at each other, which wasn't abnormal. But it seemed different this time. My mom would get so angry and he would get so angry; they would say horrible things to each other. This time, it escalated. I think my mom might have said for him to get away from her. There must have been a commotion I was disassociating from because all I remember next is my dad sitting in the living room in the dark, a hole freshly bleeding in his arm. My mom had stabbed him and was now losing her mind in the kitchen. I didn't know what to do as my dad sat there silently; tears streaming down his face.

I thought I could fix it. In my 4 or 5 year old wisdom, I thought I could make him smile. I'm his only daughter; if I can make him see how much I care, then we can care for each other and fix all this mess.

I climbed on his lap; no reaction.

I started asking questions; no reaction.

My mom is in the background alternating between saying don't touch him because he has diseases and losing her mind that she stabbed her husband. She eventually called the cops on herself, because my mind flashes to the next memory. Police are there and they want to see my cereal. My dad is just gone, my mom is just gone. I don't know where they are. And I don't know what happens next.

That's where the memory ends. It's taken me years to understand all the gaps, silences and skips are erased in the murky waters of trauma. Where did my parents go that night? Did they take my mom? Where did my dad go? Why does he always disappear in my worst memories?

He exists as a phantom in my mind. He's there but you can't see him. You can hear him calling, but it's as easy as discerning whispers on a breeze. He shows up in a blinding flash of light, and leaves just as quickly. His presence is a chaotic lightning strike hitting random spots on the map of my life; he leaves marks but he's too quick for you to actually notice he had been there.

[iproposedtoyamamaanshesaidyes]

Tired of the commotion we was supposed to be flowing like the waves of the ocean we got motives with motions pills and potions snake bites and poison text messages was hot then turn cold without notice I noticed keep it myself cause some of these doesn’t need to be spoken I went unnoticed needed some space a light shine of the attention to detail I sold my heart and you put it on retail can’t resell turn to drugs as therapy slipping back to my old self my old self been resurrected but I killed it years ago staring back at my old self but I don’t believe in ghost you don’t know nobody knows only God knows can’t trust nobody open minded but closed minded how I feel I guess it’s me against me I seen ya messages it took me a while to reply tryna get my mind right I felt that you was nosy I don’t have time to put ya ego in the spotlight tryna find out I took a timeout until I sub myself in the only time we compatible it’s only when we talk sexual conversations never get personal it’s interpersonal lighthearted and non intellectual need a break longer than a commercial back and forth movie rehearsal whatever comes to me comes right back to you uno reversal I think it’s time to cut you time to get surgical need more joy in my life and kill all the parasites take vacation explore another side of paradise when will I see paradise love at first sight till the love turns into true colors

[mechacringekitty]

oc lore stuff...very nervous to post this so be nice plspls

[sadiahakim]

I think darkness makes you see what the daylight can't. In my darkness, I saw everything, and everyone — those who saw me struggle and approached me, those who ignored me, those who pretended not to see at all, those who cared and cried for me, those who left me to go drown in the ocean of darkness, depression, despair, and death. A little bit of darkness is essential to actually see the world in its true colors. I see a little bit clearer now. I understand a bit more.

— Sadia Hakim // sadia hakim's writing journal

[sharpbluejay]

i cannot stop thinking about the horror of mary’s resurrection, she died with all those secrets and she comes back to life and her babies are grown men and they know! they know what she did! john raised them as hunters which was the worst thing she could ever imagine happening to her children, they’re attached at the hip, they’ve died or tried to die for each other multiple times, her first day back on earth and she watches dean go insane with worry for sam since he's been kidnapped, they’re friends with monsters, they kill without flinching. her sons are strangers with her children’s names and the man she loved is dead, and apparently he was driven by her death every day until he killed himself for dean, and while dean dances around all those facts in her first episode back, sam gives her john's journal which has to be filled with some sick shit because again, john's grief changed him fundamentally to the point where she wouldn't recognize him. everything surrounding her resurrection is just horrifying, its a gift for dean but literally plunges mary into her worst nightmare

[situationandmetropolitan]

About Timing

Divine timing, divine timing, timing. It seems to be a key phrase that constantly shows up on my feeds.

Timing is a tricky thing, once you believe in it, it suggests that you believe the universe is more than just a clusterfuck of chaos, instead there are plans, reasons, and meant-to-be's. So here I am, a contradictory cynical hopeless romantic, wondering are all the mishaps, the one-that-got-aways, the wrong words I blurted out, are all of those somehow part of a bigger picture destined for me, or am i just looking for silver linings for my poor luck and poor behavior.

I had this cliche rom-com trope-y moment, where I was coming back home with my groceries, a sudden relief bestowed upon me. Out of a whim, I bought all of the purple camellias from the flower stall that I've walked past thousand times. For a moment, it was all purple, my flower, my hair, my Spoify playlists in my ears. Suddenly I felt everything will be ok. Feeling light as a feather, skipping my way home, thinking, everything will be ok. No longer than 2 seconds later, the rain started to pouring down, and of course, I didn't bring my umbrella. Right at this moment, Mitski started singing in my ears :"I give it up to you, I surrender." Oh the irony.

Which brings me back to last Friday night.

Timing is a tricky thing. Sometimes you feel the string pulling you like a puppet, made you do things you weren't planning to do, but sometimes when you ask for it, it's no where to be found.

Last Friday night I went out with my friend for dinner and drinks. It was supposed to be just us two girls, chill, nothing extra, I didn't even wash my hair for it. But before I head out, somehow I felt like I should fix my hair, which led me to be 10 minutes late. My period suddenly arrived after dessert, it was almost 11pm, I was so unprepared for it I had to ask the waitress to borrow me a pad. "This night is ruined," I thought to myself. "Well, I was gonna say I could stay at yours tonight with you, and you could just give me your keys if you end up going back with someone hot, but looks like you're not going anywhere tonight." My friend laughed at me. Right, as if it's remotely possible for me to get lucky on a night out. No good-looking normal person ever showed me interest in bars or clubs, like, ever. I had already accepted my fate of all my night outs are just gonna be girly fun.

We ended up at this nightclub later that night, it's one of the most popular spot in town, and was overflowed with early twenty-somethings that night. But me and my friend, single women in our early thirties, didn't care. We're not here for men, we're here just for some dancing and a good time. However I couldn't say I didn't have a wandering eye, checking boys out. So I definitely had seen him before I ended up in his corner unintentionally.

At one point, my friend was going to the restroom, leaving me with her drink. I didn't want anything to happen in the crowded room, so I stumbled my way to a bar stool in the far back, putting down both of our drinks. Some white girl suddenly pushed me to further back, and shook her hair into my face. That's when I locked eyes with him, for the sake of storytelling, let's call him Golden Boy. He was standing at the same bar stool, talking with his friend. I made a icked face when the white girl's hair was all over my personal space, he laughed.

"You Chinese?", he asked. "Yeah." I answered, "what about you?", politely continuing the conversation. Then we get started talking, he told me about his background, how's my English so good, how did I find the club, and compared night life of Shanghai and this city, he flaunted some Mandarine Chinese. He asked me my Chinese name, and what does it mean. "Well apparently it means wise and beautiful." He laughed. "Where did you get your tattoos?", he grabbed my arm and asked. "Shanghai, Shanghai, Tokyo. I designed all of them." "Wow that's impressive!", " Told you, smart and pretty." I started to get a bit flirty. He laughed, he's got this gorgeous laugh.

By this time my friend had came back, Sabrina Carpenter's Espresso had just came on. "Let's go dancing!" He suggested, grabbed my hands. We got closer, and closer, and closer, until there's no distance between us, lips locked. I'm pretty sure I heard a "whooo!" from the crowd surrounding us. The kiss was incredible, his hands in my hair, shows just the right amount of desire.

After one more round of drink, my friend wanted to go outside and have a cigarette, we decided to go together. Before we left, there's this guy who just came into the club with two other girls. He tapped Golden Boy's shoulder, said "Hey, my friend here...", I don't know what came over me, I had never done this to someone I just met before, i grabbed his waist, he sensed it, then wrapped his arm around my neck, hand in my hair, and kissed me again. Swoon.

On our elevator ride down, I noticed his watch. I don't normally know a lot about luxury watches, but it just so happens I was doing a pitch proposal for the brand hours ago. I made a comment on it, he seemed to be a little bit embarrassed. Under the fluorescent elevator light, was the first time I truly noticed how pretty he is. Fluffy curly hair falling into all the right places, dark eyebrows and kind puppy eyes pulled me in deeper and deeper, rose colored lips, the ones I had just claimed are so soft and flushed. With all the dark features, but he just glows.

When my friend, his friend, and him shared a cigarette, I noticed his rings. It seemed like he was designed for me, tall, dark features, handsome, tasteful, stylish, gentleman, multi-cultural background, witty, and just oh so pretty. Not to sound creepy, but his face just tickles all the right parts of the folds of my brain, even thinking back, my brain lit up like a Christmas tree, no, like the night sky of the 4th of July.

We kept on flirting all night, back and forth. Somehow made it into the next nightclub. After I made sure everyone's ok, I letted out my frustration, "why am I such a mom??", "It's probably because you're a nice person." He said.

In the next club, the dancing got more steaming, the moves got more intimate. I felt his hands on my bare waist, noticeably rough, I wonder what could've happened for a boy who clearly grew up with silver spoon to have such rough hands. His arms wrapped me closer and closer, his hands were testing the boundaries. When we were sharing another passionate kiss, he whispered in my ears, "Do you wanna come back to mine?". That's when I died a little inside. Fuck, I can't, WHY OH WHY DID I HAVE TO GET MY PERIOD LITERALLY 3 HOURS AGO???. I have always been a straightforward person, but I'm not about to be so blunt right of the bat. "I don't do that." I smirked. "But you do this." he went on gave me a deeper kiss. I had no response but nod. We went on with more dancing and kisses.

The evening ended with all four of us having some casual chat outside a street food restaurant, my friend going back to mine, and his friend going back to his.

He messaged me on ig later telling me he's home, I messaged back, and thanked him for the drinks. He liked my message.

And then nothing.

On Sunday I started to initiate the conversation, because for the past 48 hours, all I could think about was him. To my disappointment, the conversation couldn't have been more polite. I was expecting fireworks, when there's barely a tiniest spark.

But then again, I am older, I am wiser, I aim to get what I want. So I laid my cards on the table, told him I think he's cute, then asked him if he wanted to grab a drink this weekend.

Next morning I woke up to messages of him liking my compliment, saying thanks, and that he might be away this weekend, but if not for sure let's.

Then I found out he unfollowed me on ig and removed me from his follower list.

Then I messaged him back as if nothing happened, trying to diverge the conversation to the night we met, which I was met with nothing but an emoji reaction.

Then nothing.

I've been sitting with this defeat for several days now. I keep wondering if things would've been different if I weren't on my period, if I had gone home with him, if we had shared breakfast the next morning. But I was, and I couldn't, all because of the timing.

Was it simply a misfortune, or was it the universe's plan to help me dodge a bullet? I may will never find out. But at this moment, Golden Boy is archived into my drawer of Could Haves, and 100% the prettiest boy I've ever had the luck to spend some time with. Which, to be honest, as an average looking, short, Chinese girl, probably is more than I could ever have hoped for.

[wicked-lady]

Hey,

Yo bitch is back.

And let’s say it’s been eventful since my last appearance on the scene.

But man has it been a trip so far. I want to tell you all about it.

I can’t promise it’ll be in order.

Or that I won’t go on tangents.

I do promise, that everything here will be authentic, and genuine, and a bit or a disaster I will admit. But you might be entertained if you stick around.