Tumgik
#just work with what ive got but its so fucking hard and i wish i didnt have to i wish i could just be fucking normal abt this shit
opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months
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The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire#unrelated#hm i should maybe add a tw to this#tw self injury#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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loverboybitch · 1 year
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knit sweater i made drying out after i dyed it in my kitchen sink.//.
#uploads#fashion#fibres#the color is kinda weird but i like it alot that really washed out wine red#gonna fuck around with this more still myb do a little bleaching and some more dying but for now she rests#also shrunk a bunch lowkey after i washed it so hope i can stretch it back out a bit we will see#reflecting several hours later now that its mostly dry and i got to try it on#i think the color looks kinda washed out cause i wrung it out really realyl hard when i was washing it#i feel like that wasnt super smart cause i do wish it was a bit darker but also maybe i just need a darker dye mix#but i really was squeezing that shit to get the water out and i think it probably desaturated the color a bit#lessons for next time#also rewrote and made a edited version of the pattern ive been working with so its more my own#changed a couple things so im gonna try and make another sweater soon i think#gotta figure out what wool i wanna use maybe ill go back to the galler yarns WOW wool but also the mohair was really nice#i have a ton of fine alpaca but ive been using that for my woven project instead and its alot thinner#idk how it would look esp cause im using such big needles#maybe i could size down and try that but id have to really figure out a whole new pattern n knit counts idk maybe#anyway just thinking out loud cause its 5am and i cant sleep but i also cant work on sweater anymore cause its just chilling#n i need bleach n some other stuff#also gonna knit a trim for the bottom and sleeves fuck weaving it thats too hard#but then im gonna have to figure out how to dye it so it matches but uhhh haha idk#good thing its kinda a tester
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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years
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Haaah. If yesterday is anything to base things off of I shouldnt use my headphones today bc my neck is fucked.
#friends#diary#personal#i had too much caffine yesterday i think and it felt like i was just high all day. it was horrible. i hated it.#seriously tho my neck pain made it so hard to sleep. and im so fucking tired.#ahhh im so fucking tired all the fucking time nowadays#mn. my dream tho was rly nice. yknow. in dreams its so nice bc i dont worry about the way things go or anything.#all social interaction there feels so natural and calm. its like reading a book sometimes even. it happens#or maybe even watching an anime? i never feel involved and i love it.#as soon as i exist outside of my home tho it feels so surreal to me... i just blatantly dont belong.#i feel awkward n out of place and worry that im doing something strange. and ive just given up really yeah?#when i went to high school i was always so exhausted at school. i couldnt do any work in class and i never could rly explain why.#during class i could sometimes. but i found it so hard to work. i always did. idk. i never did what i was supposed to and i got good grades#...highschool was so hard. its odd to think of it so long ago now? its odd to think i started using tumblr then. or before then?#ive tried so hard to make friends in the past. and ive given up now rly. im fine with what ive got. but anything new...#im just tired. its tiring. everything is. its so painful to think where i could be if everything wasnt so hard always...#im 23... and most of my energy is spent on barely being alive. im tired. so tired of this.#haah. i wish i could live by myself in a lil cottage. wish i could just. exist in a place and feel at ease.#rather than rn.#...ive lost so many over the last few years huh. i dont think it was bad tbh.#ive always felt like im playing at making friends.#trying to do what others expect. or trying desprately to be friends with someone.#but. in the end i dont think that was the best way. i like now better tbh.#these odd. sometimes strangely distant friendships i have. but theyre so much more fun?#rather than anxiously trying so hard. its much more fun to just be.#somehow. i think these ones are longer than my longest?#one way or another. these are better. i feel so much more calm and at ease.#god. just thinking about others is terrifying.#i think everytime i just get overstimulated for someone else. and while thats fine and dandy no one ever understood#eventually if i hang out with other ill get to a point i just cant anymore
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matrix-pawz · 23 days
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ISTG I wanna ramble on to somebody about ghost and pals but it'd all be gibberish :/
#...........................................................................................................................................#secret vent lol#idk why i get so mad at myself easily#like- id be patient and reassuring to other people#but to myself?#ha#my dad implemented all these expectations into my brain that i cant get over and beat myself up over#heres a list:#everything has to be perfect#i cant make any mistakes#if something bad happens its my own fault and i should fix it if not im a bad person#i should take care of others more than myself#if i dont make it i should just be better#if i cant find something quickly then im irresponsible#and if i cant live up to other peoples expectations then i should work herder#it never matters how hard i work#my arms could be falling off and he would just tell me “work harder”#and then a few things i got off him that he didnt like that contrasts with what i was taught#when arguing always be the loudest and biggest which isnt good because if i snap during a small argument it could get into a bigger fight#fucking violence do i even need to explain? he was violent so i became violent (sadly :c i dont wanna be like him)#inappropriate language he always cussed while yelling and i kinda adopted that#and manipulation i dont like doing it and sometimes i do it unwillingly and then i beat myself over it like;#“i should let them make their own decisions but i can't help it i probably shouldnt even be here in worse for them”#and then that leads to me cutting off contact with a bunch of people#i dont wanna be like my dad but i cant control it i really wanna be better ive been trying to get better#but i dont know how i can#this was how i was raised#i tried to change how i act to fit other people#ive made up a whole fake personality where i have a normal family and im always supportive and shit#that isnt me i wish it was but it isnt. im a terrible fucking person and i dont know why i even exist!!!
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toastsnaffler · 9 months
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auuuurghhhhhhhhh.
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YOU THAT BITCH
REMINDER
YOU’RE THAT BITCH LIKE I JUST SAID
RIGHT NOW
LITERALLY RIGHT FUCKING NOW
EMBODY YOUR DESIRED SELF
LITERALLY JUST BE HER/HIM/THEY
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE SEXY
BECAUSE YOU SAID SO
AND THATS FUCKING IT
THE VOID STATE IS WITHIN YOU IGNORE THAT MF DUSTY CRUSTY MUSTY ASS 3D BECAUSE BITCH LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHING THE 3D IS THE RESULT OF YOUR 4D YOUR 4D IS YOUR MIND THIS IS WHERE YOU DREAM DAYDREAM FANTASIZE YOUR DREAM LIFE ALL THAT STUFF THE 3D RESPONDS TO YOUR 4D SO
SO IF YOU SAY THE VOID IS HARD OR THAT YOU’RE GONNA FAIL THEN YOU WILL YOUR CURRENT LIFE HASN’T CHANGED FOR THIS EXACT REASON THIS IS WHY BLOGGERS SAY CHANGE YOUR ASSUMPTIONS
YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND IS A SPONGE
ITS ALREADY PROGRAMMED TO THINK WHATEVER YOU ASSUME
IT WORKS LIKE THIS
YOU ASSUME SOMETHING YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS SOAKS IT UP
WHATEVER YOU ASSUMED SHOWS UP IN YOUR 3D SO EVERYTHING IS REAL ALL YOUR DESIRES ARE REAL BECAUSE YOU ASSUME THEY ARE
BITCH IF YOU WANNA ENTER THE VOID TONIGHT
DO IT
GET OFF TUMBLR AND GO FUCKING DO IT
AINT NOBODY GONNA DO IT FOR YA BE YOUR OWN WISH GRANTER
YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND IS NEVER BLOCKED IDK WHY PPL SAY THAT BLOCKED FROM WHAT????
THE 3D IS PHYSICAL
YOUR BODY INCLUDED ITS ALL PHYSICAL BUT YOUR 4D IS NOT ITS LITERALLY YOUR PUREST FORM IT IS PURE CONSCIOUSNESS THE 3D IS POWERLESS ITS USELESS ITS JUST PHYSICAL ITS A RESULT
THE 3D DOES NOT MATTER
PHYSICALITY DOES NOT MATTER WHY
BECAUSE IN THE VOID NOTHING IS PHYSICAL SO WHY ARE YOU REACTING TO YOUR SYMPTOMS YOUR BODY IS REACTING STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO THAT
BECAUSE IT IS PHYSICAL!!!!!
THE 4D IS NOT!!!!
STOP THINKING YOU WILL FAIL GUESS WHAT YOU ALWAYS ENTER THE VOID YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IT YOUR WHOLE LIFE WHY THE FUCK YOU COMPLICATING SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO
IT IS DEADASS YOU LAYING THERE IGNORING THE 3D BECAUSE IT IS PHYSICAL
WHEN I SAY JUST “BE” I MEAM JUST BE
CONSCIOUSNESS JUST BE FORMLESS
RIGHT NOW IN THE 3D YOU ARE READING THIS IN THIS VERY MOMENT THAT YOU’RE IN THE 3D YOU ARE IN THE STATE OF “BEING” HOW
BECAUSE YOU ARE AWARE THAT YOU ARE A PHYSICAL BEING A PERSON AND EVERYTHING AROUND YOU IS PHYSICAL
SO ITS JUST LIKE THAT EXCEPT YOU ARE JUST BEING CONSCIOUSNESS
HOW TO DO IT?????
YOU ALWAYS DO WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP WHEN YOU MEDITATE
IT IS NOT HARD
I DON’T WANT ANY EXCUSES
BRING ME SOME SUCCESS STORIES
DO IT TONIGHT
NOT TOMORROW NOT NEXT WEEK BECAUSE EVERY DAY YOU PUT OFF MIGHT BE A YEAR OF YOUR ASS STILL COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SAME SHIT GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASSES AND DO IT I BELIEVE IN YOU GO NOWWW!!!!!!
DO IT TOFUCKINGNIGHT BITCH YOU GOT A NEW LIFE TO GO GET WHO CARES HOW LONG YOU LAY THERE “IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR TWO HOURS!!!!!” OK BUT YOUR DREAM LIFE IS FOREVER
YOU REALLY GONNA GIVE UP HAPPINESS TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT SOMETHING YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO
BE FORREAL
GO GET YOUR DESIRES
I LOVE YOU BYE💗
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biibini · 5 months
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Hii!! After mizu graduates college, what type of job do you think she'd have? Would it have to do with sports or maybe something way different? (I absolutely love your writing and headcanons !! 🩷🩷)
modern!mizu post-college life headcanons
tags: post-grad life, engineering mizu, stable work life, a woman in stem, moving in with reader, basketball with mizu, mizu join fencing club, peaceful post-grad life (the dream)
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a/n: ngl the thought of post-college life is tripping me out,,, im a junior in college rn and the thought of it just kinda doesnt?? exist?? also ive heard too much info from my friends' rants ab their engineering degrees and switching majors from mechanic to electrical back to mechanical engineering,, theyre fucking nuts
modern!mizu would prob be in the engineering sector of jobs
wooo stem baby (i am a digital marketing major i should not be talking)
bc hello?? money???
also let’s use that mechanical engineering degree to good use
she didn’t leave home for nothing
with her technical skills from eiji
modern!mizu would probably be a CAD engineer
CAD aka computer aided design
technically speaking, it would allow her to work from home or hybrid
and she can easily transfer her mechanical and on-hand knowledge to a digital format
like she’s smart yall
she just got some troubles w procrastination
but dont we all?
(coping so hard)
this job would also allow her free time and flexible hours to do her job
and i feel like modern!mizu opts for a good work-life balance
if she wishes, she can take the day off snd just go out with u or go to the gym
the freedom of choice while staying comfortable at home?
sign her tf up
she can have her tea time, gym time, spending time w u time, and her self care time
the self care in question: enjoying the silence
and realistically, its a well paying job thatll keep her and u afloat while helping eiji financially if need be
modern!mizu hopes her work and smarts can help her provide for others and herself
its ab time she doesnt let herself depend on a man for money
yeah thats a fuck u to u, m*k*o
shes made the mistake once
shes not gonna make it again
just bc postgrad modern!mizu isnt in sports doesnt mean she’ll stop playing
she needs to get her exercise and movement some way some form
basketball with taigen
and always aim for the three-pointers
and is successful most of the time
and then proceed to aim for the half court shots
and fail most times
fencing with eiji whenever shes back home
she’ll def try to teach u
and its fun at first but
she wants to stretch her wings out
modern!mizu would prob join a fencing club
it would be a great for her to fully practice and spar
not just against her old man
or go soft w u
but also go against ppl her age
modern!mizu would move into a place w u
nothing grand but a small apartment where u could refresh and build the place to be ur own
ringo is a good friend
a true best friend she could trust
but it was time to move in w u
and not be wary of ringo hearing u when he comes home
modern!mizu would be more adventurous in hobbies
yeah she has basketball and fencing and her tea collection
but now she has a stable job
no need to worry about grades
and just to live life one step at a time
she would probably try out pottery with u
definitely practice her cooking with ringo's and ur help
all in all, a very patient life
(she deserves it)
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neteyummy · 1 year
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ITS ME AGAINNNN I LOVE LOVEEE YOUR LAST REQUEST :C ❤️
ever since ive been reading a lot of manhwas and i got an idea form it that id love to read a fic of with neteyam xv
okay so i was thinking of a heart wrenching angst but comfort later on with an arranged engagement of reader and neteyam where neteyam starts to hate reader just because he was basically forced to be with her and reader is always patient eith him even if hes so mean to her like going with other girls or smth and one day reader snaps at his rudeness towards her and says nah lets break up. and at first neteyam is like FINE but he later starts to notice how his daily life that always had you there for him, helping him with whatever, being his maid basically sbfushd and he starts to miss you. starts to realize how much he fucked up becuz he realized how faithful you were to him and worked so so so hard for him and was always there for him :((( but hes too late now bcz he sees you finally giving other men a chance to court you since youre no longer his now ;(
Huhuhu a little request won’t hurt hm?
Warning: Hurt. No comfort yet.
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From the day I was born, you and I were promised to each other without a single say in it. While you despised me for it, I felt sympathy for you and did my best to stay out of your way.
His jaw clenched as he observed your face, watching as the words left your mouth. You were both in a healing tent, where you were initially patching up the older man after he had returned with the raid party. Neteyam was being even colder than usual, asking if someone else could patch him up in your stead. That had been your last straw, after all those times, after all those years, of him either pretending like you didn’t exist or disregarding your efforts made for the sake of him.
My whole life, I have been training to become someone worthy to stand beside you, the future Olo’eyktan of our clan. Did I want to though?
You chuckled bitterly, looking down at your folded hands in your lap. You could feel his piercing gaze on your head.
What would it matter if I wanted to or not, right? Just like you had no choice but to accept me as your future mate, I had no choice but to comply to the orders given by your grandmother and my parents. I merely existed to be your Tsahìk.
Looking up from your lap, you met his hardened gaze with his ears pulled back. You felt your stomach tighten.
I did not want this, Neteyam. I did not.
What changed then? He rasped out. You think I didn’t notice all those times you looked at me as if I hung all the stars myself? Don’t think I also didn’t notice you enjoying your training with my grandmother. That says enough for me.
Silence.
You pondered over whether you should deny his claims or admit it. He looked agitated, looking down at you as he stood tall infront of you. You noticed again how much he had physically grown, over the last year. Taut muscles filling up in all the right places and facial features looking a lot sharper now. You looked down again, avoiding his accusing eyes.
You let out a small exhale.
When you spend most of your time by your teacher and have a very limited interaction with opposite genders, you tend to fall for who is most present in your daily life.
With a sad look in your eyes, you matched his gaze again.
You happened to be the only man I am freely allowed to be around, for long. I do not have the privilege of meeting up with other men like you do, with other women, Neteyam.
At that, he pursed his lips. Moving back and forth on his feet as he nodded in a mock understanding.
But you continued.
Falling for you was my biggest mistake, Neteyam. If I had known in all those times you were with other women, being hopeful for a day you would open up to me, see me for who I am and not as someone you are forced to spend the rest of your future with, against your will, that this was all nothing but a wishful thinking, I would have done everything in my will to stop these feelings from growing any further.
Cocking his head to the side, Neteyam let out a laugh, disbelief painting his face. He had stopped footing around and was now standing infront of you again. Same pursed lips as he squinted down at you in a mean look.
Save your lies for another day. I know for a fact that you are more than allowed to meet up with other men. We are NOT mated yet. Don’t act like we are. What about your lil friend that always tails you, huh? Forgot about him already?
You watched his expression grow even more sour at the last part he spat. The things he was saying confused you to no end, but hearing him deny your statement of not having the same privilege as him made anger simmer inside you.
Standing up tall in cold fury and looking dead in his eyes, you pushed your index finger at where his heart laid, hidden behind his chest.
I have never once lied in my whole life, that I assure you. But to think you are this ignorant of our betrothal really disappoints me, Neteyam. I know the sight of me upsets your mood and you wish for nothing to do with me. But I had honestly expected more from our future leader.
You paused and took in the expressions written all over his face. It going from an accusing glint in his eyes to the one of a slight shock, finally settling on an unreadable expression.
And in a low voice, he asked you.
What did you want from me.
It sounding more like a statement rather than a question, you cocked your head to the side, watching his eyes trail on the ground.
He had managed to pick up on your little movement, though.
You held me back here with this talk. I’m sure there is a point in bringing this topic up? What do you want from me with this?
A fool you were, to think he would ever be the same understanding man that he is with everyone else. You really hoped that being the one to touch on this topic and to possibly clear the air between the two of you would make some positive change in your dynamic. That you wouldn’t have to resort to your last option.
Biting your lower lips as it started to quiver while tears welled up in your eyes, threatening to pour down. You searched his eyes for any hint of guilt or regret for having been this harsh with you up until the very last moment. When you found none, the tears that were threatening to spill finally broke free. Your heart never having ached this badly before, it was almost suffocating.
I want to break this betrothal.
Tbc here
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cider-est · 4 months
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The full lineup is almost done!! (just needs some touch ups and a Chunsik design👍) FEEDBACK IS GREATLY APRECIATED!!
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Design process under here (whole lot of yapping)
General thoughts: Ive given them in my previous design sheet (you can find it in my blog)(tldr: designs match characters but still childish, 8-12 years old). Only thing different here, is that these eggs were eggs who I had less of a clear idea of what I wanted to do with them (though I still really liked where I ended up!!)
Empanada: Didnt want to go for the full sweet lolita route, mostly because I thought it'd take away the "little kidness" of it all, but something that still resembles the aesthetic. She's wearing "carneirinhos" (idk the name in english) which is very cute little girl to me, and shes also a demon! Her tail resembles a frying pan!! Though I might change her fringe (it was supposed to be baby hairs but now that I think about it, her type of hair probably wouldnt have them) and put some argyle pattern in her sweater vest. I just forgor💀 to do that...I also wish I had made her shorter, but unfortunetely I drew this before the eggs did the height check (YES ITS BEEN THAT LONG).
Sunny: My beautiful baby girl. She means the world to me. I love this minecraft egg with all my heart. Shes wearing Light up sketchers and some fairy wings like Pomme, and shes actually wearing a swimsuit, she just put a tutu over it. The diamonds they're always holding are rings, they have a "terere" in their hair (idk name in english😭😭) and the beads were inspired by an artist on twt (@\BLUETOMATOSODA). Also if you are wondering why her hair looks like tentacles, its because I had originally made it puffy, but changed my mind after doing the lineart, so i had to get creative with me covering it up. Just pretend she has a fan, shes a star after all!
Pepito: Basically, he is very smoll. Chiquito even. He has strawberry hair and MASSIVE glasses that take up his entire face. Hes wearing a swimsuit aswell (dont ask how it works idk either), and has floaties since he cant swim. Hes got crocs, since flip flops hurt his toes, with a spider man charm on them! Also hes got a sunhat, mostly cause I wanted some other accessorie but didnt want to go with gas mask since it'd kinda kill the whole swimming vibe (since his model is wearing a swimsuit). sorry if its not too accurate to his character. Side note: Him, Em and Sunny all have freckles! Him and Sunny all over their bodies while Em just has on her cheeks.
Leo: Cute sporty vibe, love her shorty spiky hair. Wanted to try to make her face spiky aswell, for the whole shark dad thing. Shes got a necklace with a shark tooth (I guess she got it from Foolish??). He changes tshirts randomly, and opens and closes his attack on titan hoodie depending on the tshirt's expression (basically my version of Leo changing her player heads constantly). His trainers have dragon wings and also: whealies!!
Dapper: Im gonna be honest: did not expect to like his design THIS much. The colouring really elevated, with the long blue hair (the same colour as the ghosties!). Wanted to make them, y'know, dapper, so I had to sacrifice some of the "little kid vibes" unfortunetely, but I think it fits her still. The hat has part of the helmet that they used to wear a lot, demon horn to match Pomme, and a suit that is VERY inspired by Death the Kid from Soul Eater (very fitting for a reaper in training imo). Might be my favourite design!
Ramon: Jesus fuck you'd think designing your fav egg would be easy BUT NO. I struggled long and hard. Again, he doesnt have that much "little kid" vibe whatever man😭😭 Im just happy that I even managed to make SOMETHING. Hes got Create googles, his meathead is a massive hat that completely hides his hair. Very simple, very Ramon, though I will probably end up making a version with an ugly sweater just like he likes instead😔. I still like it but. man...
ANYWAYS IF YOU READ ALL THAT MWAH, YOURE A REAL ONE, THANKS FOR ENTERTAINING MY THOUGHTS🫶🫶🫶
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the-hopeless-haze · 1 year
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When Will the Clouds All Disappear? (ch1)
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Gregory House x Reader - part of Series If You Want It, You Can Bleed on Me
Word Count: 2k
Warnings: heavy suicidal ideation
“Kind of rude to make a cripple head to the roof of a building to look for you.” You hear his voice, loud and clear behind you, gravelly and distinctly masculine. You’d know it was him anywhere.
“What do you want, Greg?” You ask, sniffling. You're sitting on the ground, your back against the ledge, having made yourself sick staring off it for a good ten minutes before he arrived. Your head is in your hands, blocking him out, blocking everything out. You can’t open your eyes. You can’t bring yourself to look at him.
“You know,” he says firmly. You wish you had four hands so you could block your ears, too. You wish you were senseless. It would be so much easier. So much more peaceful.
“You wouldn’t have to worry anymore. I would just be gone,” you say, and you hate this, you hate everything, you wish he didn’t come up here so you could jump. Guilt-free. You know you look fucking ridiculous, with your hospital gown riding up to your thighs and those stupid non-slip socks damn near falling off your feet. Your hair is blowing wildly in the bitter January wind, and you feel lightheaded and woozy as it is, having pulled out your IV that hooked you up to fluids a half hour ago now.
“That isn’t what I want. I want you to come back downstairs with me.”
“How did you even know I was up here?” you question.
“You’re the one thing I can and can’t predict. Knew you’d come up here when they said you left the bed… still don’t know if anything I can say can get through to you. If you jump I jump?”
You shake your head. “No. You deserve to live.”
“And you don’t think you do?”
“No. And I don’t want to either.”
“Why not? I thought we had fun together.”“But you don’t care—“
“Why am I up here with you freezing my ass off if I don’t care?”
“Just go.”
“Not without you, sweetheart.”
You grimace at the pet name, it sounds so fake coming from his lips. “You didn’t even come to see me,” you whisper.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t know… I didn’t know what to say.”“Anything would’ve been better than nothing.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. You’ll say anything so I don’t jump,” you say, tasting bitterness acrid on your tongue. You wish you could turn off your brain, but you’ve been here before, seconds to an attempt and still gone through with it with no one to stop you except for your diseased brain. And it was diseased, every impulse usually hardwired to keep your body alive at all costs screaming to be let out of its misery and to just let you die, please. It’s almost like an addiction, instead of one more hit, it’s just like, one more thing to let go of. One more thing to convince yourself doesn’t matter, one more person to convince yourself wants you to die or doesn’t care if you go, one more event you’ll never get to live through that you convince yourself you didn’t want to attend anyway.
“I mean it,” he says urgently. “I’m sorry. Okay? I’ve been a shitty boyfriend, lover, friend with benefits, or whatever you want to call me. I know I’m not the reason you’re contemplating this right now. You’ve struggled with this all your life. I’m not going to fix it. But Jesus Christ. You and I both know this isn’t the goddamn answer. You spent your whole life going to school and working to prevent people from offing themselves.”
“Fuck you,” you mutter. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you,” he says. “I came for the surgery—“
“You had plenty of time to see me. You weren’t there when I needed you to be! I’m just another patient, is that it? Don’t come visit them unless you think you’ll learn something? What was it, you never got to see a D&C before? I called you, Greg. You never answered. I had to call Wilson to make sure you weren’t dead but of course, you weren’t, you were just avoiding me and why should I expect anything more from you? Of course you run when things get hard; when the woman you’ve been fucking might need a little more than after-sex cuddles.” You stand up as you say this, turning your back to him, looking over the ledge. Fuck.
“I’m sorry. Just please don’t jump,” he says and if you were in your right mind you’d notice that he was getting increasingly desperate, but you aren’t noticing much of anything right now. Except that your plans were thwarted. You see firefighters and they’ve already set up a trampoline on the side of the building. You don’t say anything, nothing at all, and you start to walk away from that ledge and then sprint toward the other one, hoping that you can get over there, run faster than he can, but he’s on you, and he moves fast for someone with an injured leg when the adrenaline kicks in, and you feel yourself knocked to the ground, his warm breath fanning your face.
“Got you. You’re not getting away from me that easy,” he says, and you finally look at him for the first time since you’ve been up here. You wish he would crush you to death but he’s barely putting his weight on you, just enough that you can’t move.
“I can’t go through this again,” you mutter, squeezing your eyes shut, and you expect the hysterical tears but they never come. You feel numb. Empty.
“You can. You can and you will.”
“You’re going to put me on a hold?”
“I have to,” he says, and you could trick yourself into thinking there’s guilt in his blue eyes when you open yours again. “I’ll make sure they give you the good stuff. Say you need to be chemically restrained. Order you Haldol, Ativan, or whatever you want. But I need… I need to know you’re safe.”
“So you’ll sedate me?”
“It’s the only way I’ll be able to sleep.”
“Just like you to make it about yourself, huh?”
“Shut up,” he says sternly, tacking your name on the end of the command like a warning. “This isn’t about me. None of this is about me. I know that.”
“Then you should have let me go.”
“One day you’ll thank me,” he says, digging his phone out of his jacket pocket. “Hey. Yeah. I need help bringing her downstairs. She’s not going to go willingly.”
You hate how he’s talking about you the way you would talk about patients to your coworkers, and you hate him for calling Wilson to help him walk you down the stairs. Wilson’s a certified sap, and the look on his face, his brown eyes sympathetic and his brows furrowed… makes you want to hit him, and maybe you’d try if you had the energy to. You don’t want pity. You want to be left to your own devices. You want nothing, hatred, you could stand, but Wilson looking at you like you were a kicked puppy is more than you can handle right now.
“I wasn’t going to jump,” you say, and it’s unconvincing even to your own ears. “I wasn’t even on the ledge when you came up here.”
“Yeah. Well. It’s enough that I don’t believe you,” Greg says. “Your track record sucks. Every attempt has been after a traumatic event. Forgive me for being a little worried.”
You’re about to protest, say he doesn’t know anything, but you know he went through your medical files before the first time your lips touched his. Fair enough. Two could play at that game, certainly, and you took what you felt you could without him getting suspicious out of your file. You looked through his, too, because what’s good for him is by all means fucking good for you too, and if you can’t have normal conversations like a normal couple, at least you could learn about each other unconventionally. Isn’t that love, at least kind of love, searching high and low for information, trying to memorize somebody else like you know yourself?
Never mind that it’s illegal.
You feel his mouth on yours, his scruff scratching pleasantly at your skin, and… yeah. That’s when the fucking tears come.
You wish neither of these men saw you like this. You were meant to be firm, cold but compassionate, distant but likable, albeit only from that distance. You didn’t get close to people, not since you were younger, because you knew how you’d get and you knew it was a horrific sight. Wilson, you love like a brother, but Gregory… you love irrevocably, irreverently, irreversibly. Intense is an understatement, and you wish it wasn’t the case, you wish so badly you could turn it off and become the woman you were before that man and his cane hobbled into your life. You wish more than anything you were alone right now.
But then again. You might not be alive.
“Shh. It’s okay,” he says, and you don’t believe him. He doesn’t believe it himself. It’s just something to say. And he hates those clichés. He hates talking just to talk. Yet … he says that to you. He lies to you, just for your benefit. Everybody lies.. but it's usually for their own gain. “I don’t want to make this worse than it has to be,” he says slowly. “Make this easy for us.”
“You have drugs on you, Greg,” you say, rolling your eyes through your tears. You hate that you know him this well. “You’re prepared to sedate me regardless.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t want to have to get to that point. Would you rather be sedated? Because I can arrange that.”
“Get off me.”
“Are you going to walk with us?”
“Yeah,” you huff.
“Good girl,” he says, and in a different context that would lead to something very different than this. But no. He lifts himself off you instead of dicking you down, wincing when he puts his weight back on his leg, and he and Wilson both help you off the concrete roof. It’s now you realize your back is scraped from when Greg pushed you down, and you grimace as you stand up. Everything hurts.
You have four strong hands on your body now, Wilson’s thin graceful fingers wrapping around your left arm, the other hand on the small of your back to steady you. Greg, you’re more fine with seeing you this way, he’s a train wreck himself and you’ve gotten him out of his shell before. But Wilson? He’s got everything together, well, except for his marriages. House’s larger hands grip you too, one hand firm on your right shoulder and the other around your side.
It’s a slow walk down the stairs, back into the building and you feel a rush of relief at the feeling of heat on your body, but then it becomes too much and you don’t know what you’re fighting for because you know there’s no way you could run, you may be faster than Greg but there’s no way you’d get by Wilson in your current state, and then you’re pushed against the wall in the staircase, Wilson’s calling for security on a radio and a gurney on the radio, and they’re both holding you there and you’re struggling against them, arms you try to push out of the way and legs you try to kick but it’s to no avail, you feel the slight pinch of a needle in your arm and … that’s it. Maybe this is what you were asking for but you were too ashamed to say, too ashamed to acquiesce verbally to the sedation, too embarrassed to say “no, I need to be unconscious for this, thank you.” But you weren’t too embarrassed to pull a fucking nutty in the staircase of the hospital you work at.
“I would’ve just given it to you,” you hear Greg say. “You don’t have to do everything the hard way.”
And then, thankfully, mercifully, pleasantly, you fade out and away.
567 notes · View notes
broooooo · 2 years
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(writing this first story of mine, for me specifically, to experience my own fantasy)
My name's aaron
Im in my 3rd year of highschool, I'm 19 years old, long hair, ace, nothing going for myself, not exactly bullied, not exactly popular, just Invisible most of the time, sitting alone and watching the masses, Im not a fan of school either, math can suck ass, and everything else is annoying, for years I look upon the popular seniors, all so hot, all so popular, when ever I was noticed, they would talk to me , they are so kind, the jocks in the group are nice to, although they are very horny, since I'm older, I never played sports, I was a protected child, but I always fantasize about playing football, to be a jock, iv loved the look of muscles, cleats, beer, iv jacked off to many pictures, to fuel my insecurities, maybe one day I could fit in, oh how I wish to be one of them
I said this under my breath, just so I could hear it, to calm me , I sigh and go back to listening to music to wait for my next clas
Without me knowing it, one of the jocks (Jason) ended up vaguely hearing me from close by, mostly the part about I wish I could be a jock, muscles , beer...,
He has a blank but grinning smirk, he gathers his other jock bros and rushes to coach, coach is an eccentric man, large muscles and gym lesson workouts that leave the students in pain for days.
Jason tells coach about what he heard , coach has a evil grin with his hand rubbing together,
"jason- bring him... to me"
"yes coach"
While I wait for my next class, listening to music, I see Jason and his buddies come up to me, I'm kinda shocked and happy someone acknowledged me, wonder what they want
I look up at Jason making eye contact.
"What up Aaron, my bro, coach would like to see you*
I'm visibly confused
"me? Why?"
"nothing bad, your gonna like this"
" eh, ok, what's the worst that can happen"
"ALL RIGHT LETS GOO" jason and his buddies are cheering,
In my head I think, why are they so happy xd, I wonder what could be happening, I hope Its nothing about how I skipped gym class last week,
I enter coaches office-
I say - " yes coach, you wanted to see me?"
-" yes I did, come sit over hear"
I sit across from him, taking note of the musk in the room, an intoxicating smell to say the least.
We make eye contact
"soo Aaron, I hear you want to be a jock"
Shock runs through me,
"wait what?, But how?"
"my boy Jason told me, a friend of yours I asume?"
"well I wouldn't say "friend" but we have talked in the past"
My heart's racing , breathing faster, the smell in the air ain't helping either, but I am getting hard under my trousers.
In coaches mind" don't worry my boy, Jason and the others will soon be your best BRO'S"
"now what do you say Aaron?, Want to join us?, To become a jock, I can teach you everything like your my son"
I'm a little scared, but also excited, like what the fuck is going on rn?
"umm .. y yeah , sure, I wouldn't mind coach..."
Coach smiles,
"well answered, hear, for starters, drink this son"
Son?, He hands me a can of beer,
"go on, drink, it's a staple jock drink"
Shaking, I click open the can and start of sip , gulp , and then slowly down the drink,
"how do u feal Aaron, anything different?"
"well idk, besides me being hard as a rock and sweating hard, maybe a little tipsy, I don't drink all that often_ I start to drool a little
In coaches mind he says ( well it's sure working fast I'd say, he wants this, so there's no resistance, soon he will be drinking all the time), coach smirks
"Well come with me son, leave your things, you won't be needing them, and don't worry about your next classes, iv got you covered"
I leave my jacket, and bag behind, as I get up, I feel dizzy, but a happy dizzy, Jason takes hold of me
" you good lil bro?, Don't worry, things will bet better"
lil bro ? I think, hah,sounds cool
"yeah thanks Jason, I owe you... Big bro"
Jason smiles ,
He's my big bro hehe, drool keeps coming from my lips, my head is dizzy
I'm moved into the locker room, coach orders Jason to put me down on one of the benches facing a TV, usually used to watch the game
"Jason, help Aaron undress"
"yes coach"
I become undressed, my top, my trousers, my boxers are soaked in pre ,and my hard cock is a sight to see,
Drool keeps coming
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"Alright Jason, sit next to him, while I set this up"
Jason and his bros sit next to me ..
A video starts to play, Jason holding me up, as I stare at the screan.
Jason Whispers into my ear" don't worry lil bro, master coach and I hear for you" with a big dumb smile,
I continue to drool in a dazed state, my cock rock hard and leaking a fountain of pre
I stare at the video
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Coach comes out of the back with a football kit, cleats, jock strap, pads, and a helmet,
"now stare Aaron, stare, become who you wish to be me, who's your meant to be,
A dumb jock"
I , Jason and the bros start to laugh, as we all stare at the screen, we are all hard, but I'm the most affected, seems they have been through this already,
"what do u wish you Aaron?"
Slobly I say
"dumb... Jock.... To becum...beer..... Bros.... Muscles ...... Football..... Wish.... I am dum , I obsy, I .... I must obey, .... I jock bro.... Bro.... Cum."
Coach grins- "good boy, now who do you obey?"
"i..,..I obay....yoouoou.... ... Master coach"
"and what are you?"
"a... Dumbbro... Jock..."
"good boy my son, we are almost done here, stand up boy, don't look away from the screen
I sand up, my bro Jason holding me steady
Coach then dresses me up in the kit, all soaked in something that soon my skin soaks up
It's all too big for me, but then,
My muscles are , my body, they are growing, my stomach hardens into 6 pack abs, my triceps and bi ceps , my arms are inflating and hardening with pure muscle, my hands beef up with hardened fingers from years in the gym and the field, my neck thickens and chest widens with huge hard nipples, my legs thicken and elongate , tree trunk muscle legs form, my feet expand, grow , while my hardened dick, grows longer, harder, leaking even more, a 12 inch monster , my body start to stink,
The kit starts to fit against me, tight, the cleats feel snug and the gloves give energy, my body fully soaked the liquid from before , coach stands back holding the helmet
"good boy Aaron, now recite the screens words, submit to me, to your new life
My thoughts are changing, my memory fading, changing, I recite the screens words..
"I am a jock,
I am a jock, I am a jock
I am a bro, a jock, a dumb
A dumb jock bro, football
I must obey coach, I am a jock, football jock , I m obedient, I am dumb , I am a bro , I am A dumb
Football jock...."
"who do you obey"
"I obey you coach"
With that, coach places the helmet on my head
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My mind stops, I go blank, my memories reshape,
I am a dumb jock, I am a bro, quarterback of the team, Jason and the other bros have been my bros for years, we love sucking each others dicks, no homo bro, only us men know how to to work a dick, better than any chick,, Jason is my big bro, we workout, we get drunk together,, we obey
We obey master coach
Coach then pays attention to my hard leaking jock, were all my old memories are in the lemon sizes ball churning with new jock cum
"sit down boy" I sit down to coaches orders, Jason and others relax against me, we are all about to burst
Coach starts to jack me off, I start to grunt in a deep voice.
"good... Good boy Aaron , good jock boy , relax, let it sink in, you are dumb jock my son, your dreams have been fulfilled, who do you thank?"
" I thank you coach"
" good boy... Now CUM"
We all moan and grunt as cum, CUM , rods of cum shoot out all over us, puddles of cum stain our Kits, the walls, the bench, some got on to coach , he licks it off of him.
Coach lets go of my cum covered dick, and pushes it back into the cup jock strap, then tightens the tight football leggings to complete it
My huge muscled body sits,against the wall,
"stand up Aaron my son"
My head starts to clear, thinking only of beer, cock, coach football, the bros, football.... . muscles. Working out... Beer..
Me , Jason and my bros stand up
"yes coach? My dick still hard , ready for more , very horny
" we are gonna do some training for the game, Jason and the others , go, your bro Aaron needs his picture taken for the year book.
"Yes coach!, Hehe, welcome to the team lil bro, we'll be waiting outside , Jason bro bumps my back,
_" see you there big bro"
"stand over hear Aaron my son"
"yes coach"
Click, the pictures are taken
As the flashing light fades, my dick explodes once again, cum pooling in the jock cup,
I am a dum football jock.
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" run off to practice boy, ill meet the team there,
"YES COACH"
I run to the field, my loud steps echoing
Coach takes one last pic of me on the field, to commemorate this special day,
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"soon he will be bringing others to me.
So happy to make Aaron's dreams come true"
Coach runs to the field, proud , ready to get us to the championship games
" ALRIGHT BOYS, 6 laps, GO, there's beers waiting for ya"
____________________________
The end, ahhhh , the dream... Atleast I made it come true in writing xd
If anyone sees this, what do you think?
I sure enjoyed my first story
573 notes · View notes
fictionfixations · 18 days
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honestly so happy that its easier to grind in hsr then genshin cause im actually able to properly build my characters instead of whatever mess i had in that game (i got the right artifacts but trying to get materials for anything was a bit of a pain to me)
also that the resin (i dont know what its called in this game im using genshin terms) can like. overflow into this other thing??? is. so helpful. (i stopped playing at one point so i just came back to both being full. and then when i realized what it actually did it was a godsend because it made it so much easier to fully commit to grinding. i know in genshin you can make the resin this little thing? condensed?? but thats a thing you have to do yourself i think)
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all im missing is leveling up the lightcones and traces
and im only missing the traces because i already used up weekly bosses. THATS IT.
robin and ratio have the same boss material so all i have to do then is get the other resources which isnt actually that hard (ill only have an issue if i cant material synthesis or exchange or whatever since i need to do it for the robin stuff that you get from enemies that can ambush you, i dont know what you refer to them as, but cause i havent unlocked penacony yet lol)
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and the only lightcones that might give me issue is because highlighted is penacony material stuff
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(yes i put final victor on ratio LMFAO)
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so YEAHH i feel like im doing pretty good in that department. also ive caught up to penaconys story i just havent started in-game because i wanted to see where it all leads up to and then go back to see all the foreshadowing and get a better understanding of what happened since it also confused me, so im waiting for a time i can just sit there for countless hours and focus. i even switched to eng vas so i dont end up misreading something
(anyway i only got to trying to max out my characters as much as i can until i can level them higher because before i got stuck on so many quests that required a fight 😭, yanqing, argenti, i hate battling you oh my god)
actually on that topic everyones relics arent fully maxed out.
ive only been leveling this cause 5 star dan heng is my main damage dealer
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and the healer because im fucked without them (its natasha, but im open to changing it if i find a better healer or shield 🙏)
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on that topic:
i returned to honkai star rail because aventurine. i focused on the story because aventurine. (got spoiled his story, realized 'what the fuck hes cool i like him' and watched someone go through the story) i came back in time for his banner but you know what? i had like zero wishing stuff because id stopped playing so i missed out unfortunately
i have friends who have aventurine as like one of the support characteres thingy tho? like the the where you can get support from other peoples characters
so thats been fun. but also auto is kind of bad with aventurine. or maybe because it thinks 'oh theres already a shield, so i wont e' which is pain. on the other hand actually playing instead of having it on auto is fun with aventurine. i like planning around it and thinking of who to have use their skills while keeping in mind when i should have him refresh his shield. i cant explain to you how it hurts seeing hp missing with a shield around it because i cant do anything about it (im the type of person who likes to keep my characters hp full ngl)
probably not the best decision to want shield over a healer but. i can make it work. maybe. i just want aventurine ok. (except for phantylia who as far as im aware is the only one who can just TAKE hp like that? without even affecting shields???)
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galacticleague · 28 days
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speaking my truth on npmd because im thinking about this alot. i think the reason it falls flatter than tgwdlm and bf as a musical is that tgwdlm and bf have a running theme — want.
(whole thing undercut)
the cast of tgwdlm want human connection - charlotte wants sam to love her, bill wants alice to love him, mr davidson wants his wife to choke him while he jerks off etc etc, and eventually paul goes from 'i want what anyone wants, money, kids, a partner maybe idk' to - to put it simply - wanting emma (putting it very simply, if i went into detail this post would go off the rails). this switch is what makes him vulnerable to the hive and this want to live and to survive and to be happy with emma is satiated by pokey by giving him the connection he craves via hivemind, this is how it works for everyone. they want to be happy, pokey makes them happy by removing any need to want anything in the first place.
similarly, in bf, the adults of hatchetfield are still miserable and they want to be happy, they have this void within them that they feel they need to fill with products and consumerism. if they buy this stupid fucking doll their kids will love them, they will be happy, etc etc. and this want to be happy is similarly satiated by wiggly via the cult - they have something to worship, or - in lindas case - people who worship them. they have purpose, or at least they think they do, but whether their problems have actually been solved or not - they are still content.
but in npmd, this is less solid. theres that bit where they have to sacrifice what they want the most, but this is near the end. its kind of all over the place, and this wobbliness(?) is sort of just emphasised by the fact that there is no specific lord in black, its all of them. now i loved the summoning when i first watched it because im obviously a huge hatchetfield fan so i like. know who these characters are but as ive seen others say, alot of npmd does rely on knowing hatchetfield lore - understanding injokes. and in hindsight it just... isnt great for the cohesion of the plot.
tgwdlm and bf both have specific themes, specific lords in black, they have subplots but they have a solid throughline that is easier to follow. to me, npmd feels like its all over the place and it just feels kind of...mid for lack of a better word.
i think there were some moments that were just kind jarring? i guess? like if i loved you coming directly after ruths death was really strange, tonally. i wish they spent more time on ruths death tbh she deserved better. richie got two songs and an opening scene. anyways i digress- i feel like whenever i think about it im always like. i just wanted More. which is weird cuz its already like 2 hours long but idk. IDK!!! if i loved definitely felt unnecessary to me- like just conflict out of nowhere. i would have liked more build up to it. maybe im just salty that it took up stagetime that could have been used to grieve ruth but. sorry for the random if i loved you slander i think my point here is that some moments and some subplots felt more tropey, injokey or like fanservice??but not in a sexual way?? - is that the right word to use idk - than actual compelling plot moments. tgwdlm is an incredible work of theatre and uses subversions of tropes to communicate a great story, bf is a detailed criticism of american consumerism and how capitalistic societies force people to rely on products to make their lives better, npmd is. high school drama with ghosts. it just doesnt hit as hard on its own.
i dont want to be one of those "im a better writer, and THIS is how i would have done it!!!! im going to fix this!!!" people so im not going to do that but i think something i would have liked to see was focus on just one lord in black, probably nibbly because i feel like he fits the most and has the least preexisting story. i mean for gods sake, why does wiggly have the most speech time out of all the lords in black again!!! he already has an entire musical about him!!! greedy bitch- well i guess thats kind of his thing. i think i just want to see more of nibbly tbh, he has one nmt story and he only shows up at the very end. anyways that was kind of a side rant sorry gang. there isnt a problem with having a story featuring all the lords in black, but i think it just doesnt quite work in npmd for like structural reasons as well as plot cohesion.
i did enjoy npmd, im not pretending i didnt, but narratively it is the weakest hatchetfield musical and i just wanted to put my finger on what it is specifically. please dont take this as like hate or slander, i am a huge starkid fan, but i think it is important to consume media critically.
also i am not a professional i am a teenage drama and english lit student who likes media analysis and narrative design so just. take everything i say with a grain of salt :)
if you read all this, thankyou and if you disagree please lmk what you think(civilly.i do not want discourse in my notes)!! i could be hugely wrong about this and just need to think more about npmd and id love to see others' analyses!
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mynameisnotsoda · 5 months
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I'm probably gonna be yelling into the void but here's my refs of my favorite burs !!!! I would say bursonas but one of them is literally just my au,,,, can you tell which one it is,,
Anyway here's some hcs and stuff it's gonna be a long post LMAO I'm just copying all this stuff from Instagram cause I practically live on that shit ass app
Simpbur
He LOVES Hatsune Miku.. like LOVE LOVES HER. He owns so much fuckin merch it's actually insane. But he has never once in his life listened to vocaloid and probably never will. Hes just in love with Miku LMAO
He's aromantic bc I said so !!!!! But he doesn't know that, he hasn't really figured it out and he confuses his obsession with love.
Him and Jared actually used to be friends back when they were like middle schoolers. But then Jared got "hot and cool" and he kinda drifted away from Simp. Mostly cause Simp was SO FUCKING JEALOUS!!!!! and it was obvious too. Imagine how devastated he was when egirl started dating his old friend lmaooo what a loser
Him and e-girl started dating when they were 17, both of them were in pretty bad places in their lives so they just,,, clung onto each other. Both of them were codependent but Simp was significantly worse with his codependency. Adrianne (my name for e-girl) was the one who broke it off when they were both in their early 20s
His stupid little cat beanie is his comfort item !!!! He wears it ALL THE TIME and hates having to take it off, although he would never go out in public with it. He's got some issues with presenting the way he wants to in public so he literally just goes out in his work uniform regardless if he's working or not
Grabs him and aggressively shakes him around !!! Hes autistic (I'm autistic I can give him the tism) his special interests are anime and video games :33
He's definitely not cishet but he tries SOOO hard to present as such (shout-out to @starrixle for that hc ive adopted it for my version of simp)
Studentbur
He's bi but heavily in denial like DEEP DEEP in denial
He HATES being tall !!! He wishes he was shorter because his height makes him stand out a lot and that's the LAST thing he wants
He prays literally every night before bed. Mostly asking for forgiveness (which he shouldnt have to ask for) because he thinks he's a horrible person just for being himself
He CLINGS onto Charlie, they're not like super close friends or anything but he LOVES Charlie. He looks up to Charlie a lot and WISHES he had his confidence and sense of self :')
He doesn't like Tommy, he thinks Tommy's too loud and disrespectful and hates how much attention he attracts. So he tends to just avoid him even if they're in the same classes
He absolutely regrets smoking with Bill and Ranboo but he also feels INCREDIBLY GUILTY for wanting to do it again (because he actually had fun and was able to relax for a moment)
He LOVES emo rock, indie, modern rock and other similar genres. His parents are really strict so he has to listen to his music in secret and ALWAYS has his earbuds on him, its a comfort item too. His three favorite bands are MCR, Ghost and Radiohead :]
The only game he was ever allowed to play was and still is Minecraft. He LOVES Minecraft but at the same time he desperately wishes to be able to play other games
He fucking LOVES GOING TO PUBLIC SCHOOL !!!!! he used to be in a Christian school but it gave him so much anxiety he was physically ill every single day and he just couldn't take it anymore!!!! To his surprise his parents actually agreed to let him go to public school during his sophomore year and he's been there ever since (now hes a senior)
Charlie is really his only friend, he's tried talking to other kids but he's horribly awkward and socially inept. Charlie basically adopted him and takes care of him like a brother !!!! Even if they're not super close Charlie's always looking out for him and tries to include him with his friends even tho Stu declines most the time :((
Keith Smith
HIS WIFE LEFT HIM AND TOOK THE KIDS TOO 😭😭😭 he's still trying to find her but he's slowly losing hope and he's really considering just giving up
He's basically the "king" of the end, even though he's not actually the ruler, it was his wife. But since she's GONE he basically had to take her place, until he finds a new wife or convinces her to come back if he ever found her (the end is a matriarchy)
He's kind of insufferable why do you think his wife left him
He has two kids, Lune (pronounced like loon) and Sunny. He LOVES his kids and is actually a really great dad despite being kind of an ass and fucking annoying. He misses them a lot and it breaks his heart that he might not be able to see them ever again
Dr. Malpractice
He's a geneticist specifically experimenting with mob/human hybrids.
His experiments are NOT ETHICAL AT ALL!!! He does whatever tf he wants whenever he wants. His only healthy, surviving test subjects are Phil (enderman), Tommy (spider), Charlie (creeper) and Quackity (duck). (He also experiments on my sona,, that I added for funsies,, but they weren't created by him he just happened to find them one day more on that later)
He's actually trying to make humans more powerful in a way, because they're the weakest humanoid species of them all. He wants to "save" humanity from their own biological inferiority and doesn't care how long it takes or how much damage he causes to others so long as he reaches his goal. Because he's fucking delusional and thinks he's doing something good
He even experimented on his kid, Fundy, and he didn't make it. He has a,,, complicated relationship with what happened to Fundy. On one hand the guilt eats away at him constantly, on the other he brushes it off as just another failed experiment since in the long run,, the ends justify the means in his mind
So far his deceased test subjects include Fundy, Niki, George, and Toby (Tubbo). His only escaped subject was Randy (Ranboo) and he's so fucking paranoid that somehow he'd be able to get the authorities to stop his experiments. But it's been months since Ran escaped and nothing's happened so he isn't AS paranoid anymore, but he still worries about it
He names all the test subjects himself, it's easier for him to remember than numbers because he has dyscalculia funnily enough
All the test subjects were made in his lab with stolen DNA so he didn't have to use his own. He basically grew them in tubes and used a rapid growth serum in the tanks to make everyone adult sized since it was easier to run tests that way. He accidentally left Phil cookin for too long so he's the oldest out of everyone LMAO (except for Dr mal himself, he's 37)
Ok so onto the cringe part !!!! cSoda is a shapeshifter, shapeshifters are VERY rare and often hide themselves because they're very sought after to hunt for sport or used for various reasons. They're basically "born" from the planet itself, they grow in pockets underground for many years and kinda just pop up when they're ready. (Think of like. Steven Universe gems but organic) cSoda is erm undercooked let's say LMAO because they popped up early in their development they're basically defective. They age (albeit slowly), their body scars, they can't regrow limbs properly, their shapeshifting is limited to only animals/people they've SEEN before and they are incredibly naive and have a harder time understanding/learning about the world.
Dr. Mal found cSoda (no idea how yet) and he normally wouldn't have cared but he saw their shapeshifting and immediately decided to "take them in". He takes advantage of their naivety and basically brainwashed them into thinking he cares for them. cSoda presents as a dog (more lore I don't feel like getting into rn) so they have the personality traits of one as well, very loyal and loving and INCREDIBLY affectionate. Which Dr Mal HATES.
If it weren't for the fact that cSoda is more useful to him while alive he probably would've just killed them because he's CONSTANTLY annoyed and irritated by them LMAO he wants to be able to replicate their shapeshifting and hopes that it might be able to help him achieve his goal
c!Wilbur
He fucking LOVES working the burger van with Ranboo, it gives him something to do and he actually enjoys spending time with them even after initially not really liking them. He thinks Ranboo is SO interesting and loves to analyze everything he says and does pFF
HE FUCKING. APOLOGIZED TO TOMMY!!!!! FOR EVERYTHING !!! HE WANTS TO DO AND BE BETTER FOR HIM AND HAVE A BETTER RELATIONSHIP!!!! HE LOVES HIS BROTHER SO MUCH AND IS TRYING TO BE BETTER AT SHOWING THAT RAAHH
He fucking REEKS no matter how much he showers or uses deodorant. It'll help with the intensity of the smell but he just reeks of death bc he was rotting !!!! he also smells like cigarettes and alcohol which does mask the rot and is actually preferable by most people (especially Quackity, who's VERY vocal about how much Wilbur stinks)
Tinybur
He's REALLY clingy, like he NEEDS someone to be holding him at all times. Normally it's Tommy (who's so obviously his favorite even tho he denies it)
It doesn't remember being human for the most part but he does miss it, especially being a normal height
He HATES when people baby him, he's a grown man who just happens to be child sized. If you talk down to him he WILL be an asshole
It was surprised when people started referring to him as an "it" but he kinda liked it !! It doesn't have the same feelings about its gender since becoming a doll and he thinks it's kinda weird but cool at the same time. It really is just vibin
It's voice is high pitched and he kinda hates it, its gotten used to it but it doesnt really like how its voice changed
Animatronic!Wilbur
He's so fucking annoying and is always flirting with parents for whatever reason. He fucking LOVES if they get flustered too it boosts his ego
He's SOO jealous of Ranboo its kind of embarrassing. He thinks he should be the lead singer and mascot but doesn't vocalize it, although he does make it painfully obvious
He's the lead guitarist and back up vocalist in the band (Tommy plays keytar, Ranboo is lead singer and James is the bassist)
He's actually really fucking insecure despite being a fan favorite. One time someone left their phone and it didn't have a password so he was able to use the internet which was. A mistake. He's seen the horrors of the Beloved Ent. Fandom and he thinks people only like him because he was made to be the "attractive one" and not because he actually has anything of substance.
He fucking HATES Schlatt with a passion, so he avoids the bowling alley entirely now. Jimmy (solidarity) used to be the bowling mascot but he was too fragile and a push over with guests so they replaced him with Schlatt. Who's nice enough to guests but does have a bit of a temper and doesn't take ANYONES bullshit. Wilbur was actually really close with Jimmy and he misses him terribly :(
Can you tell who I have more brainrot for LMAO
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spacedlexi · 5 months
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Wait, people think Carver is the best TWDG villain?? I always thought he was basic as hell, and the fact that he was beefing with an 11-years old girl... Now Stranger on the other hand was great, he was super intimidating and off-putting and I was genuinely so scared he would hurt Clementine. I also liked Minnie for the same reasons (she was so creepy/off-putting), but I still think Stranger is the best villain bc he had a great setup while Minnie was kind of a secondary villain. But going back to Lilly/Carver, I also definitely prefer Lilly over Carver even though neither are my favorite... And now I'm kind of curious how you would rank the rest of the TWDG villains? 🤔
carver being the best villain is a sentiment ive heard for years 😭 im sure its coming from the "S2 is the best season" crowd tho which i also dont agree with 💀
the stranger is an effective villain. hes not exactly the typical villain type people expect. but hes very unsettling and him stalking clementine for who even knows how long through the walkie talkie is 🤢 he really makes me feel sick. she was using that talkie to deal with the loss of her parents, and this fucking creep took advantage of that so hard he was able to convince her to trust him. ugh he makes me feel so gross. and think of all the guilt clem must have about that situation. trusting this freak to help her find her parents, when if she had just stayed then lee wouldnt have gotten bit looking for her, and her parents were already dead the entire time anyway. oof. theres no way that isnt one of the biggest regrets of her life
carver is fine. i definitely think his character wouldve made more sense if they put kenny in that role instead. that way theres less "i am a grown man beefing with an 11 year old" and more "this is a child i helped look out for once, and im gonna make sure shes raised Right". but i agree that carver as he is is just over the top. overly villainous to the point of it being a little comical. like when villains are all tough like that my reaction is usually "god i WISH youd fucking kill me already so i dont have to hear your bullshit anymore do you know how GOOFY you sound??". if it was kenny in that role i definitely think they wouldve been able to tone it back a bit, and him "having a good side" wouldve been way more believable. as he is carver is kind of one note
joan.... definitely the weakest of the bunch. i dont really have much to say about her. david isnt even technically a villain but i definitely saw him as the better antagonist for the season. i mean hes definitely a villain in clems eyes. and is a constant semi-antagonist towards javi throughout the whole season. joans just kinda.. there.. doing things behind the scenes to cause conflict until the final confrontation. and then she can just disappear... okay
i like the way the antagonists work in S4. theres more of a discussion around what actually makes someone a villain and the difference between a person who fucked up and made (very horrible) mistakes, and a person who is straight up a threat. and i like that it connects back to the idea of lee and his murder of that senator. did he do something horrible? yes. did he destroy his relationship to his family? yes. does he regret what he did? i think so. and he definitely has guilt about his fucked up relationship with his wife. in S1 they mention how non-guilty people got sent to prison all the time. while lee is Definitely a murderer, we get to see over the season that hes a good guy who just wanted a family and in a moment of rage and betrayal did something he can never take back. this is why i never hated marlon. did he fuck up and do horrible things? of course. but he was a scared fucked up teen leading a group of other scared fucked up teens. he knows he fucked up, and continued fucking up to cover for his previous fuck ups lol. but he can be talked down. its a shame it ends the way it does, but i really like being able to teach aj the difference between people like marlon and people like lilly
lilly takes that kenny/carver idea and applies it to a clementine that has grown up and has been looking out for herself (and baby aj) for years now, instead of the 11 year old trying to figure shit out she was in S2. shes too old for lilly to be able to sway her in a way she couldve been more susceptible to in S2, and when lilly finally realizes this she just turns her attention to aj instead, seeing the potential in him (a potential clem does NOT want aj to live up to, wanting him to get to be a kid and not just a survivor, let alone a killer). lilly is fun because you can see in her that she WANTS clementine on her side, and throughout the season progressively realizes that its just never going to happen. both lilly AND clem come to the realization that this person they once considered family is beyond reason, their views too different, and so the fighting begins. their fight at the end of EP3 really feels like a "so its finally come to this" moment for both of them, their final fight. i always shoot her.
whats interesting about minnie is seeing her evolve from secondary antagonist in EP3 to straight up primary villain in EP4. the things shes done, the way shes been broken. she becomes her own downfall, seeing herself as someone beyond redemption. that this is just who she is now, its how things have to be. because if they didnt have to be this way? well then theres a lot more guilt she'd have to deal with. yelling at her in EP4 to just STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS ANYMORE but she has been changed (in her eyes) so irreparably that she cant see any other option. and she progressively sees clem as the one who fucked everything up for her, instead of accepting that it could all finally be OVER. after killing sophie, the delta was all she had left. it cant have all been for nothing. and so she blames clem for taking it all away from her, even tho clem is just trying to protect her family. the family that used to be minnies. and so in her rage she gets bit. something else that she couldve avoided. but shes just too lost to her own downward spiral, unable to be reasoned with. by that point she just wants it all to be Over. and she wants to take tenn with her so she can finally pretend things can all go back to the way they used to be. her, sophie, tenn, and their parents all together again, where no more bad things have to happen to them. shes super tragic and i love her for that. and i love how she holds this dark mirror up to clem. clem struggles to let go of her past too, and the guilt she has over the things shes done and people shes hurt. and that if she cant learn to let go and move on she could get lost to it the same way minnie did. theres a reason clem is so quick to accept her fate, but shes finally able to leave that guilt holding her to her past behind in that barn. and she returns to ericson a much happier and lighter person, so much weight finally lifted from her shoulders. its finally over for her too
so yeah. my fave villains are definitely the S4 ones due to their nuance and layers. then the stranger, then carver, then joan. if i had to put david on this list he'd probably be above carver. but thats mainly because he has more nuance than carver ever did
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avacadokin · 8 months
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Pssst I think you should write that fucked up fitpac thing
aughhhhhhhhhhhh fuck but im literally in the middle of writing another fitpac smut rn and ive got class, so instead im just gonna dump my ideas here and hopefully come back to them later
ok uh fuck pac uses his control over fit's mech dick (he made it after all) to overload fit with pleasure in purgatory to the point he cant fucking move at all, trapping him and taking him out of the fight until his 5 hours are up in purgatory.
or fit just fantasizing about how pac could do that, at any time just take advantage of his past trust and reduce him down to a pathetic moaning mess, taking him back to past encounters in 2b2t, how he successfully fought them off back then but wishing he wouldn't win for pac
fit going out to hunt, ambushing tubbo or some other blue team member not to realize that pac was there, killing the other blue but getting so low and his armor so broken he's completely at pac's whim, trying to run and falling horribly
fit getting called "big daddy" condescendingly by pac, just to rub it in his face how far he's fallen
a big fight between both blue and green ending with them being the only two left, covered in quickly drying blood of their friends and enemies (though at this point what's the difference?)
circling each other like starved dogs
ripping and tearing into each other pulling and scratching at anything they can reach when they finally collide
pac using the sharp hard edges of his prosthetic to kick fit wherever is closest, fit biting hard on his other knee to remind him how he lost his first
pac disconnecting fit's prosthetic arm, or just disabling it, he's repaired it enough times to know how to break it easily
tearing away his weapons and clothes, enabling some fun features he added like auto-lube and vibration before fucking fit on his own hand
pac hastily (he wants this to hurt) preps himself with fit's hand (slapping away the flesh one whenever it gets close) before shoving it back inside fit
if his prosthetic arm still had any feeling left in it it would burn from being trapped against the dirt beneath fit and from the angle his wrist must be at to get his fingers anywhere near his prostate (pac wishes it still had feeling)
pac getting fed up with the interference from fit's working hand, so he rearranges himself to pin it under his prosthetic leg, hoping the rough edges leave cuts and bruises, marking fit's entire body as his
then he sinks down onto fit's cock in one smooth motion (only lightly hampered by the blood dripping its way down from somewhere, pain is pleasure at this point so he doesn't care)
fit's hips buck up at the sensation, lifting pac up with him (the knowledge that he has so throughly conquered someone so strong does things to pac's brain)
one of pac's hands is busy restraining fit and acting as leverage for pac to fuck himself on fit's cock, but the other, pac brings up to the top of fit's bald head and scratches a bloody path from there, to his cheeks, over his pecs, and down his abs before resting atop pac's dick
pac gathers the pre-cum, blood and who knows what else that's settled there, before smearing it along a messy path up to fit's neck, where he just holds as he rides fit
when he feels fit cum inside him he doesn't stop, pac just grips even tighter onto fits throat, praying he's cutting off his airway as he rides to completion
then idk maybe they kill each other so they dont have to clean up, maybe they clean up and apologize and its terribly sweet for the situation they're in
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