#just... much to think about

[pardonmydelays]

clancy tour, łødź 2025 - essay by pøppy

[warning: the essay is written in three parts, because i wanted to describe all three days we spent in łódź. if you only want to read about my concert experience, that's part two. feel free to just skip the first day. or read the whole thing. i don't care.]

[025 04MOON 08 - DAY ONE]

if there's one thing i'm constantly thinking about, it's definitely the clique. i've been walking around my own city in my diy sahlo folina jacket for god knows how long now, and i've never met a single person who would recognize it. well, maybe there are no clikkies in poland after all? wrong. there's more than you could ever think of. but i didn't know that, and bel didn't know either, so imagine how exciting and surprising it must have been for us to see so many of them on our train to łódź. you can tell. you can always tell, because every person has at least one piece of... well, tøp coded something? i can't really call the red tape a part of merch (or can i...?). but anyway. red tape everywhere. so imagine: a whole carriage full of clikkies and we are all on our way to see those two idiots from columbus, ohio. insane.

we arrived around noon and we still had plenty of time to waste (the concert was supposed to be tomorrow), so we obviously went to eat something and grab some coffee. in mcdonald's we saw a girl in skeleton hoodie and i will probably remember her for the rest of my life, just because every clikkie is like a family to me.

after that we decided to go to the arena to see if they have any billboards with boys there, but also, we wanted to check if what we've heard before was true: clikkies already started forming the fan line... to our surprise, over ten people were already there, and it was literally more than 24h before the concert (y'all are crazy btw). panic. panic and calculation. panic, because we had a plan, but the plan was kinda ruined now, we just didn't expect them to show up this early. calculation, because if ten people are already there and it's literally 1pm, do we still have a chance to get our wristbands around 5am tomorrow? much to think about...

so the rest of the afternoon was pretty much the most stressful event of our lives, because we were trying to relax a bit at the hotel (while watching pretty much all their music videos, because we had a tv there), but it wasn't easy. i kept refreshing twitter for any kind of information about the queue. 120 people after 7pm. again, panic. we need a new plan. we couldn't really sleep and we basically got up in the middle of the night. i checked twitter once again. somebody said people stopped showing up, so we decided to go back to sleep for one more hour. 3:50, we're at the bus stop, on our way to the arena, freezing. according to twitter, 280 people are already there. we arrived after 4am and we finally got our numbers - 318 for bel and 319 for me. we're home.

okay, now what? now we wait in the cold till 8am for the official wristbands from the team. we spent some of this time singing saturday, a few clikkies complimented our jackets, one little girl who remembered us from the train found us there and gave us friendship bracelets (bel picked sai and i picked truce, because i was singing "the sun will rise and we will try again" while waiting for the sun to finally show up, because, again, it was so damn cold that night), then somehow we formed a group of five people and we basically adopted the funniest and the most chaotic girl we've ever met. the team was late (like. two hours late), so we got our wristbands around 10am and it was time to finally go back to the hotel to get some rest, eat something and get ready for the show. we were exhausted, yeah, but it was all worth it.

[025 04MOON 09 - THE SHOW]

we came back to the arena around 4pm, all dressed up and with our new bandito friend. we actually formed the same group, all five of us, and one of our new friends was playing twenty one pilots songs on kazoo this whole time and we were supposed to guess the track. so much fun.

there is also one thing that everybody knows for sure: clikkies are the most creative and talented people on planet earth. i'm still super proud of our outfits, but i just wanted to mention that every single person looked absolutely incredible. i love you, clikkies.

so we're finally there. exhausted, but alive. and we can't believe how close we actually are. we knew our view was going to be sick, but damn, this was even better than we expected. the support band, balu brigada, was absolutely amazing. i guess i understand now why they were picked. they finished, it's quiet, now we wait.

8:45pm. "what's your eta?", we hear tyler's voice. "2 minutes!", we yell back. my stomach hurts and i'm sweating.

trust me when i tell you that you can watch thousands of livestreams of the same show and you may think you are well prepared, but the truth is, you're not ready for what's coming. hearing the first notes of overcompensate, screaming "i created this world to feel some control (...)" with the entire arena, first time seeing josh on the drums... i cannot even describe this feeling. goosebumps. tears in my eyes. head empty, just them. i'm home, i'm home, i'm home...

then all of a sudden a motherfucking cat jumps out from behind the piano. i recognize this kitty. tyler joseph. i wish i could say something entirely different about the first time i saw him that night, but my very first thought was "he's so smol, this cat" and "his dancing is even funnier in real life oh my god". i promise i'm not making fun of him, it's adorable actually.

before the show i had a dilemma: do i want to record videos or do i want to be present in the moment? turns out you can do both. multitasking at its finest. so i recorded tyler's jump and i also had so much fun seeing it with my own eyes (i was basically just holding my phone in the air, i wasn't watching the show through the screen, i was just zooming sometimes but i was mostly focused on what was happening on stage, so that's why most of the photos are blurry but some of them accidentally turned out perfect, somehow).

holding on to you. crowd stand. tyler is so close to us i can barely breathe. he's so tiny, tiny kitty with his sick microphone. and he's rapping. holding on to you is one of my favourite songs, because i'm a basic bitch. he's back on stage. hoty backflip. joshua william dun, i love you. the transition to vignette. i scream so loud, i don't even know what's happening. where do i go from here?! neil banging out the tunes. little kitty on the floor with his little cat piano. oh god. i'm home. car radio. disappearing trick. little guy clancy shows up... higher than we expected. sick dude. face reveal. tyler joseph is not bald, and thank god, he's fluffier than ever. am i really here? what is happening???

the judge. i can finally start breathing, because here's a fan video mark recorded outside the arena before the show. everybody looks amazing. it's one of my favourite parts of the show, because we are included and it's awesome. we sing the first verse of the judge, the chorus, now tyler shows up. i can finally see his face, because he took off the clancy mask. and, oh god, he's even more beautiful in real life.

the thing about me is that i was never the biggest fan of cut my lip, i like it, sure, but it's not my favourite song. however, it is my sister's favourite, so i promised her a video. and thank god i did, because i accidentally recorded everything tyler said to us. first of all, he was actually making fun of josh's outfit and the entire interaction between boys was super cute. second of all, he learned to pronounce the name of our city, and since łódź sounds very similar to "would ya (just without the a)", he had to make fun of it as well (he actually said "łódź ya? uwu" which was definitely not on my bingo card, but oh well). he also said he loves poland, but what else is new (łódź is the new columbus. just move here already).

i'm not going to post any videos here, but look at my ukulele boy.

moving on.

the craving. i already want to cry, because i absolutely love all jenna's songs. tear in my heart. super fun. i love how silly and aggressive he always gets during the bridge. backslide. everybody shut up, it's my song. bel, start recording right fucking now. the motherfucking chair. tyler joseph what the fuck are you doing. close your legs. the chorus. i want to cry. i can't believe i'm here. kinda wishing that i never did saturday. shut up tyler. again, what is he doing. the emotional ending. THE SCREAM. backslide, backslide, backslide... i wanna give him a hug and tell him it's going to be okay. actually i want to hug the song. i don't know.

shy away is super fun, thank you for the scream. heathens. you know what that means. the transition from heathens to next semester is my favourite thing in the world and i also promised bel to record next semester for her, so that's what i'm doing. the end of the song. tyler is not moving. what is going on. is this part of the lore, is he pretending to be a statue, is he posing for a photo, who the fuck knows. the song ends. bel is crying. i feel so happy, because she gets it. we're home.

routines in the night means we're slowly moving to the b stage. i still know nothing about the bomb tyler is going to drop on us later, so i just enjoy the song. we're actually far from b stage, but that's okay. routines is fun, we are vibing. the end of the song. tyler is playing the piano. he suddenly stops. some guy standing next to us yells at him: "DON'T". "i like you guys", tyler says. "i'd like to tell you something real quick", he starts. my stomach hurts. i want to throw up and i'm sweating. i know something is coming, i just don't know what, but i unlock my phone and i start recording.

nothing ever prepares you for this kind of announcement. it's fun to see it on your screen while watching livestreams, sure. but experiencing something like this live stays with you forever. "we would like to announce here in poland that we are gonna officially release the demo version of doubt". what the actual fuck. what the actual fuck. "we're gonna play it right now". what. "i'm just kidding. we're just releasing it. we don't know how to play it." oh. you think you're so funny tyler.

i can't exactly remember if the announcement was before or after the line. either way the line live sounds absolutely amazing. tyler is killing it. his voice sounds so soft i want to kill myself actually. moving on to mulberry street. the flashlight game is always super fun, but looks even better when you're actually there. mul-berry-street. sogoodtoseeyou. "alright, save your battery", tyler says. the song ends. lore time.

the amount of people who were actually surprised when they saw torchie and clancy walking to the stage side by side literally shocked me. i thought everyone saw the show at least once on a grainy livestream. anyway. when dema started burning, people were screaming "YEAH!!!", it was actually incredible. yes, burn it to the ground, boys! everybody cheered.

hearing navigating live is something so personal actually. imagine screaming your tumblr url at the top of your lungs with the entire arena. fun times. at the beginning of it tyler looks so happy. i think he's smiling. he loves the song now, we changed it for him. the bridge. i think tyler is crying, his voice is shaking. my poor baby. i love you navigating, i love you tyler joseph, i love you i love you i love you.

nico and the niners/heavydirtysoul. dema visuals are actually sick. i am so normal about the lore. hahaha. no i'm not. anyway. my blood. it was never my favourite, but i love this song now. "if you find yourself in a lion's den i'll jump right in and pull my pin... in poooooland". i love you tyler. i'm going to jump off a cliff.

the end of the song. i think i know the setlist. i think i know what's coming next. the lights go out. everything is red. tyler is just sitting on the floor. he's wearing the skeleton mask. i can feel my heart in my throat. suddenly i'm too hot, i can't breathe, i'm sweating, i want to cry. what is going on. this is not on the setlist, what is happening. what. what?!

doubt demo. oh, for fuck's sake.

this is the kind of thing that stays with you forever, like i said. this motherfucker not only announced the song here in poland, they also decided to perform it here for the first time. how am i supposed to recover from that. people died. i am people. i am very very dead right now. y'all are invited to my funeral by the way.

it's official now. doubt demo is the new polish national anthem. it is ours now. i don't make the rules.

the transition from guns for hands to lavish is something that should be illegal. but anyway. i'm emotional now. guns for hands might be one of the most important songs ever. we cry. welcome to the new way of living... stupid fucking sunglasses. capri suns spotted in the pit. jOsH iS sHiRtLeSs. tyler is sooooo happy about it, apparently. i can't blame him. bel takes the best picture of the boys i've ever seen. i record the entire song. the wedding. hashtag joshler is real. josh is throwing the boquet his t-shirt at some guy, we're gonna find him later. tyler is dancing macarena. lavish live is a gift for society. we don't deserve it. take all my money. this is the best day of my life.

ride. somebody throws four pokemon plushies on stage. they are for tommy, tyler's son. it's his birthday, so we sing happy birthday for him, but in polish. tyler is confused and he doesn't know what to do, so he's just improvising. he kicks out two of them. the other two can stay. good. now he sings with this little girl named laura (or "naura" if you wish). he compliments her shirt with ned. she says nothing. he's being adorable about it. the lore again.

the ukulele during paladin strait sounds so lovely in real life i'm actually going to pass out. i need tyler to hit me in the head. josh's vocals. what the fuck. i can't be alone, guess i never told you so... making my way towards you. the bridge. the bridge. the bridge. tyler is still singing paladin, while josh is singing bandito. i'm going to die. we're all going to die. what in the lore... josh on the platform. i cry. he's so close. i don't even pay attention to tyler anymore. they finish first part of the song. the birds are chirping. the most unexpected thing happens: the entire arena is singing leave the city and i think i'm going to die, because this was my biggest dream. all flashlights on. "in time i will leave the city, for now i will stay alive...", we keep repeating. i have tears in my eyes. i love you clikkies. we did it. this is the best thing that ever happened. what the fuck. the sound of ukulele comes back. on the ground are banditos, fighting while i find nico... the song is almost finished. so few, so proud, so emotional. hello clancy. now jumpsuit. "THE COAT", i scream.

and jumpsuit is actually insane. trench visuals? yellow petals falling from the ceiling? the motherfucking coat? the energy? this is one of my favourite songs. i take some of the best pictures i've ever taken. one of them will be my lockscreen pic. i will never change it. this is sick. what am i even doing here.

tyler is taking off the coat. midwest indigo. it's fun, we're vibing. stressed out. if stressed out has no fans, it means i'm dead etc. the visuals are sick. tyler in red beanie. bel is going insane. josh is singing too. this version is sick. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck.

trees.

red circle on the fucking floor. you know what that means.

everyone always says that trees in the pit with the band is a religious experience and they are actually right. you cannot even describe it. you just have to be there. and holy fuck, i'm actually here right now. in the pit. so close to tyler and he's so pretty. what the fuck. we start to sing. i want to cry. "moooooooy death" is still alive. it makes me so happy. here we, here we, here we fucking go. tyler splashes some water on me. this will be my biggest flex for the rest of forever. the last part of the song is fucking insane. i want to record it, but i also want to fully experience it so i just hold my phone in the air and it's the most chaotic trees video you've ever seen. i can barely breathe, i'm sweating, confetti falls into my mouth and i don't know what's going on anymore, but i've never felt happier. i want to know you, i want to see, i want to say... hello.

i love you trees. i love you forever.

unfortunately that was the last song. but we managed to steal some confetti from the pit. we also found the guy in josh's t-shirt. we took the photos with the bishops outside the arena. and we were going back to the hotel during fucking snowstorm around 1am, completely exhausted. insane.

but if you think this is the end... well. does it sound like the end?

[025 04MOON 10 - THE MORNING AFTER]

here we, here we, here we fucking go... it's all i can hear in my head when i wake up.

you can't really call it post concert depression. it was different this time. it was the best day of our lives and i actually woke up happier than ever. i got to experience all of this with my best friend and not just because she wanted to go there with me, but because these boys are also her favourite band now (trust me, guys, it's different to go with someone who actually gets it).

they saved our lives in ways they will never know.

but it's not just about music. it's about community and finding the reason to stay alive.

we got matching tattoos. cøver me for me, cøvering you for bel. we showed them to this girl we met at the restaurant when we were waiting for our bus. she was sitting alone, but we invited her to sit with us. we're all one big family after all, clikkies. it's insane, because i always describe myself as the biggest introvert. but i love all of them. every single person i interacted with during those three days, you will remain forever in my heart.

and i can't help but think now: everything that happened in my life just because i decided to join this fandom, if this isn't the reason to stay alive, i don't know what is. all these friends i've made along the way, the music that helped me make sense of who i actually am, knowing that i truly belong somewhere, because in trench i'm not alone... i will cherish it forever.

we've made it this far, kid. thank you for reading my thoughts. thank you for being my friend. thank you, thank you, thank you.

it's a cycle. now let's stay alive long enough to experience this again. and again and again.

⊬

[koobiie]

shoutout to everyone who wants to infodump but cant string together coherent thoughts to form sentences and instead just look at you like this

[fagtainsparklez]

something they don’t tell you about being autistic is that every character you write WILL end up autistic/autistic-coded whether you like it or not

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The math just adds up!

[prlssprfctn]

I actually need some fanfic, where Bruce and Jason are in the middle of some argument, and a casual (and a well-practiced with Dick before) sentence leaves his mouth, something along the lines "How old do you think you are?!", meaning that he is acting childishly. And because Jason is irritated, and his tongue runs loose in his anger, he screams back that he is nineteen, and Bruce just freezes, because... Oh. Jason is nineteen. He is a fucking kid - his kid - that lost years of his teenhood, and was forced back without anyone giving him a space to catch up, with everyone else already treating him like an adult... When he isn't.

[humming-fly]

I love how Gerald was trying to keep Shadow from spoiling anything about the future meanwhile literally everything Shadow says and does around Maria is the biggest death flag ever

[trekkerac]

i'm not like other guys i take an angsty au and make it a comedy

Ford: I've managed to record substantial evidence on tape, such as floating objects, footsteps that are not my own, and radio weirdness; The host or singer will slip in observations of my being that I simply cannot chalk up to coincidence. Whether this being is a ghost, or one of Bills tricks I've yet to discover… There are more dubious encounters such as the whispers, spine shivering chills, and of the brief shadowy figures I see down dark hallways. (Proof of an apparition? or simply a hallucination dreamt up by my sleep deprived mind?) I fear my mind is slipping further and further-

Ford: What is that blasted noise?! Stan: Cartoons got ghosts shockingly realistic! Ford: Reminds me of... being annoyed.

[redfirefox-55]

She looks very cute, but I am giving up on this piece I’m afraid-

[zillychu]

everyone sh. shutd up im cooking smthn

[hollis-art]

ngl im not even a superman fan. i just REALLY like clark kent,,, (thank you, Smallville, for that.)

[orions-aether]

eastern european haunted emily axford pc, transfem daughter of libertarians ally beardsley pc, spot on pub representation grizzled old british lady siobhan thompson pc, nasty old gun guy zac oyama pc, posh boy brian murphy pc, famous explorer with a book series that really falls off lou wilson pc we're fucking eating this season my god

[morganbritton132]

The funniest thing Stranger Things could do is reveal that Steve’s parents are like, really liberal. They donate to AIDs research. They were arrested protesting the Vietnam War. They campaigned for Mondale. Steve tells them that Nancy broke up with him and they’re like, “Thank god, that family believes in Reaganomics.”

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

PnF Spirit Week 1: May 26th - Parental Units

Heinz and Charlene may have their share of troubles as a divorced couple, but no one can deny that they are good parents to Vanessa. A little bit overprotective at times, but what can one do, when their precious only child had entered puberty a bit too early for their comfort.

[eldritchdilf]

The "frustration tolerance" post has generated a lot of reactions and I wish I could keep up and read all of them, but it got me going into a lot of introspection and how I got over the "inaction due to perfectionism" issue.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm autistic but I don't have ADHD. It came as a surprise to me that several people were new to the phrase "frustration tolerance" and it is worth mentioning that this is a concept I learned during my time as a clinician in occupational therapy when working with kids on the spectrum, which yes, absolutely involves autism and ADHD, and you should know it's not your fault, but this should also give you a clue that this is something that can be worked on.

Tough self-talk (tough, not derogatory mind you) may not work for some of you, but it does for me, and the next lines might be unpleasant to hear. Also a disclaimer that this is all very specific to me and my experiences so take it with a grain of salt.

I found that the root cause of the "inaction due to perfectionism" is ego. I think about myself too fucking much. Drawing is just another problem that can be solved with a logical series of steps (practice, study, repetition). Deep down you know this. The problem is that this logic breaks down if you think of yourself as an exception to the rule for whatever reason, for instance if you were like me and was told at a young age that I was naturally gifted at drawing and didn't need further studies (I didn't start actually studying until I was 21-22). Well! Tough shit. But also I'm a grown-ass man who gives a fuck what my high school teachers said about me. The faster you get your head out of your ass about the gifted kid bullshit and just think of yourself as just another average schmuck the faster and more efficiently you can put in mileage and get things going.

An extension of point number 1: Did I really think I was the only person on earth who gives a shit about perfectionism? Of course not. Every other person who put out a creative piece of work is just as concerned as me and just as bummed out about the mediocrity of the results. The only difference is that they tried and they got something out of it. If the idea is really just that good just fucking go back to it later. Again and again, better this time. It's not a big deal.

I promise so much of this is just rooted to tempering down your ego and it genuinely is nuts how low self-esteem and being full of yourself are concepts that just feed into one another but I believe that once you're aware of this you can find some balance. Not everyday, some days are just bad. It happens. But just keep that in mind. OK!

[egophiliac]

back from break and catching up on stuff! (belated) congrats Eng on getting dog sensei :D :D :D

[mofsblog]

"This is some gay shit" Good. Silly. Fair enough. Doesn't inherently invalidate other interpretations of the relationship. Honestly yeah, it is kind of gay regardless of their canonical relationship status

"There's literally no platonic explanation for th-" WRONG!! KILLING YOU WITH AMATANORMATIVITY KILLING LOBSTERS 🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞🦞