#my guy however is the world's most miserable human experiment who god (me) will not let die

[meltlilies]

not everything from arasaka is a gift, y'know.

[verdantcrimson]

Heaven and Earth / Discernment of Heaven and Earth - 9

(Unproofread)

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Koga: Oiiii, how long’re ya gonna keep chit-chattin for?

Koga: What about the recordin’? When’s that gonna start?

Keito: Oh, Oogami. Did Anzu come with you?

Souma: Have the two of you come to cheer for us?

Koga: Wonder if it counts as cheerin’, but it’s more like somethin’s naggin’ at me… Y’know you guys’ve been talkin’ my ears off about your troubles even though I never asked right?

Koga: I guess I just had to know how it turned out after hearin’ about the whole saga, ‘cause I was startin’ to lose sleep over it.

Souma: Fufu. ‘Tis far from an admirable motive, Oogami-dono.

Koga: It’s not like it’s anythin’ I gotta apologize for though. But really, are you guys doin’ alright?

Koga: From what I heard as a bystander, ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ was this landmine of a show in big trouble, right?

Koga: Is it even possible for things to work out?

Keito: Of course. There’s no need for you to worry, Oogami, though as you already know—

Keito: I’m the kind of man that always, eventually, somehow, finds a way by the end of it all.

Koga: Hmph. That bein’ said, you still failed a bunch and made loads of mistakes.

Keito: No matter how many times I fail, I won’t give up, and as long as I keep trying I can make it work eventually. You can do anything you put your mind to.

Koga: I see. Things must seriously be tough for Kiryu-senpai and Zakki, I feel real sorry for them.

Souma: Heheh. Are you envious, Oogami-dono? ♪ 

Koga: Haaah? Did ya even hear what I just said?

Kuro: Calm down now…… Oogami had a point. Honestly, we haven’t done anythin’ to solve the problem yet.

Keito: We're going to begin the process of bringing this mess to a swift resolution, starting now.

Keito: Or rather, that’s what the prototype version of ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth R’ is for.

Koga: What’s the ‘R’ stand for?

Keito: It stands for whatever you’d like, from ‘remake’, to ‘restart’, to ‘revolution’.

Souma: Incidentally, the ‘taitoru’ and costume ‘dezaeen’ were created under the supervision of Nobunaga-sensei, who has much proven experience in the field.

Souma: The most comprehensible way in which to convey that ‘a change has occurred’ is through the changing of the ‘taitoru.’

Keito: There was also a proposal to change the title from ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ to ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth ! ’ If that show ended up being remade too, another ‘!’ would be added, making it ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth ! !’, and so forth.

Kuro: Hard to tell the difference with that one.

Keito: Yes. So in addition to updating the title and costume design to be in line with newer trends, naturally, we’ve updated the contents as well.

Keito: The biggest change would be our role, the host.

Keito: In the old version of ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’, the host did as any host would, confined to the studio, merely asking the experts for their opinions—

Keito: Basically, all the host did was keep the discussion going.

Keito: However, in this reincarnated edition of ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’, that is to say, ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth R’, we as the hosts will be taking a more active role.

Keito: As ‘Spirits of Light’ dispatched from the heavens, we’ll cross space and time to experience various historical events first-hand.

Koga: Hold on. There were a buncha words in there that sounded like nonsense to me, whaddya mean by ‘the heavens’?

Keito: The set-up hasn’t been completely clearly defined yet, but please think of heavens in a vague sense, as a world where gods and Buddhas reside.

Keito: These gods and Buddhas have lived there since time immemorial, watching over us humans. This is the setting.

Keito: However, due to the accumulation of disasters like war, pollution, epidemics, and the like, they foresee that the world that we humans live in is destined to die in the near future.

Keito: In order to prevent such a miserable end, the gods and Buddhas sent us, ‘Spirits of Light.’

Keito: We travel through time and involve ourselves in various historical events.

Keito: Then, we correct everything that went wrong over the course of history, and set humanity back on the right path— That’s the set-up.

Koga: Uh, somethin’ seems kinda fishy.

Keito: Yes, I’m well aware that this sort of cold-hearted language sounds like what Eichi might say in a speech.

Keito: However, having just been born, we ‘Spirits of Light’ have no reason to doubt this development principle.

Keito: So we actively try to intervene in history. For example, we’d try and prevent tragic events from occurring.

Keito: But ultimately, for the most part, our actions change nothing, and when they do, they lead to even more suffering.

Keito: During all of this, we ‘Spirits of Light’ begin to change through our interactions with various historical figures.

Keito: We begin to question if we’re doing the right thing.

Keito: And we begin to think about what history actually is.

Keito: We think, “Is it really okay to tamper with and distort the shape of it by force?”

Keito: In the midst of this, forces who are also trying to change the course of history appear and oppose us.

Keito: Questions begin to arise, and we start to wonder if perhaps the destruction of the world will be brought about by the heavens attempting to manipulate humanity to suit their will.

Keito: …… Well, there’s quite a bit that happens.

Koga: Th-That sounds kinda grand. Felt like I was listenin’ to a movie synopsis.

Keito: Dramatic, right? Since the previous version of the show was lacking in the drama department, we decided to introduce a narrative element into ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth R.’

Keito: The narrative is further supported by our media mix strategy, through mediums like manga.

Keito: If we can get people to fall in love with the story and characters, we can attract viewers who would otherwise have no interest in complex historical tales. 

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[thestarlightforge]

“From Your Internet Big Brother”

4/8/24

******

Y’all know that account on here who signs all his messages, “From your internet dad?” The guy who goes around offering support to discouraged LGBTQ+ youth, filling the life advice gap for those who need it?

I’m gonna try not to be preachy. (Not that his posts ever strike me as such.)

But, hi. It’s your big internet brother, and I have something important to say.

Friends? The amount of times I’ve said to myself, in the past 3 months, “Thank god I didn’t kill myself in high school?”

Incalculable. I lost track weeks ago.

Don’t do it, y’all.

I realize that I am probably no more or less effective than any other internet stranger in saying this to you, much less someone who really knows your life.

But I promise you—and if you know me at all, you know I don’t mess around with promises—it is not worth it.

Not for the jag weeds making you miserable right now, whether at school or elsewhere in your life. Not for the Southern oppressive education system that’s teaching you inaccurate (if any) information about racism, misogyny, queer people and hell knows what else. Not for the classes you don’t understand, the grades or scholarships you do or don’t get, or the fear that courses from the pit of your stomach to your fingertips 75% of the time about everything you’re facing.

Literally, none of it makes it worth it to opt out of this life.

And no, it’s not because the sky is pretty, or you might have a great career, or those stressful things will completely go away. The sky is pretty, that’s true; you don’t know what your adult life will look like, no matter how the grown folks around you currently feel about it (or how they may project their own fears and/or dreams over yours); and a lot of the stressors probably will at least change. But the color of the sky can’t fix everything. Most if not all of us will still have some bad people in our lives, even if it is less bad people. And we still live in a racist, sexist, queer-phobic, ableist, late-stage capitalist world.

So that’s not why.

I don’t talk about it much, because I hate it when my pain gets twisted into an inspiration-porn-like pity sentiment, e.g. “Your life is SO HARD with that WHEELCHAIR and OPERATIONS and HORRIBLE BRAIN, I can’t IMAGINE how you EVER do ANYTHING with such an AWFUL and PATHETIC existence.” (My new favorite answer to these sorts of wildly inappropriate comments is, “Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.”) But I’ve had a pretty hard life. A lot of trauma and pain, both medical and personal/emotional. A hard life whose stress has, many times, gotten on top of me, to the point where I felt I didn’t know how to withstand it anymore—and no amount of contemplating either nature’s beauty, leaving toxicity behind, or a possible illustrious future career was enough to alleviate the pain.

But the reason, kids, why you shouldn’t kill yourself in high school, no matter how bad you’re hurting or how hopeless things feel—why you should instead get through it however you can besides acting on that thought—is because you never know when you are going to meet people who will make magic come back into your world.

We should all learn to love ourselves. The therapists are right about that. We should love us for us—not just for what we can give back, what we can contribute or produce, or how we can be “useful” to others. But humans are social creatures. We evolved to exist amidst communities. We grew and changed, and are changing, within nature—and it’s important to both appreciate those connections, and to understand and dismantle the oppressive systems that have been imposed on top of them as much as we can. But in my experience, for us wacky little gremlin guys, the most important part of this human thing is our ties to each other.

Chidi Anagonye/Michael Schur/“The Good Place” got it right: “Why choose to be good every day if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife? I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.”

So you keep going. Even if that means for years, you have to go on autopilot. Get through the trauma. Keep your head down, survive, whatever it is.

Because, simply, you never know when you’re gonna find your people. You never know when you’ll meet others who will turn out to be some of the loves of your life. The chaos of our universe—of living as a (mostly) three dimensional being who (mostly) experiences time linearly—is that you’ll never know who’s still out there. You can be observant, look for the signs, and do what you can to build community. But no matter what you do, you can’t predict with any real certainty when the day will come where you’ll look around and realize that instead of feeling hopeless, you are laughing with people who genuinely love and care about you. It’s asinine, for how years of pain can seem to drag themselves out and make a muddy, gross soup of your life. But the turnaround really does happen in a snap, just like that.

One morning, I felt I would be lonely forever, and I struggled to convince myself that all my life’s struggles were worth fighting through—or that my past traumas had been worth soldiering through.

Then, one evening, I sat with loved ones—people I didn’t even know existed six months ago—and instead of ignoring or chastising me… The first thing that happened? Was they asked me about “Dungeons and Dragons.” I didn’t expect them to understand or care, I just loved them anyway; thinking little of my own heart, I have a bad habit of resigning myself to letting it be enough just to be near people I care for, not hoping they will really care for me. But they started our group hang by asking that, and then really listening—even though they don’t understand it. Because they care. About me. They love me.

Just like that, kids. Just like that.

So your mission, friends? Survive. Because I want this for you, too. ❤️

Love,

Your Internet Big Brother.

[dontcare77ghj]

Siren

Steve x reader x Thor x Bucky

These humans had kept you captive for months, perhaps even longer, as you had no semblance of time in this prison.

You were born a siren. Raised with a pod of your own kind until these humans had taken you.

You had been stupid to rise to the surface that you now knew. The elders had always warned you against going near the above world because of the human world. The elders never elaborated beyond it was dangerous.

But you were young, and you thought you knew better.

So you had risen. You had dragged yourself up onto a rock and stared at the clear blue sky above you. The stone was warm. Sun was beaming down onto your skin, and for the first time in your life, you watched as your tail split into a pair of legs.

And for those few blissful moments, you felt at peace.

Until the elders surfaced and were glaring at you in full fury.

They had screamed and screeched at you to return to the water or be banished from the pod. You had begged to know why you couldn't be here, why it was dangerous above water.

You never got your answer as you eventually sunk back into the water and felt your legs shift back.

Just as you were all about to submerge and return to the pod, a burning pain entered your shoulder.

An unearthly scream had left you as you gazed at the hook embedded in your shoulder. As you were being forcibly dragged backward, you watched as the elders submerged and left you.

You had been bound, collared, and forced into a tank where you now spent your miserable days.

These humans had known about your kind for decades and were only waiting for one of you to be stupid enough to rise so they could capture them.

Whoever your capturers were, they were experts in their field. They had captured many enhanced people and creatures, as they called you, that were not supposed to exist.

They experimented on you. Every day of your life here was torture, and you felt hopeless. You were trapped in a tank and collared with something that meant you couldn't use your powers against them, and your tail chained to the bottom of the tank.

The only comfort you had was the fact your soulmate was still out there.

Injuries that were not your own continued to appear on your body, and every time you saw one, a flicker of hope began to build.

They were still out there.

Everyone had a soulmate in the world, and the way you could identify them was by your matching injuries.

But not all injuries transferred to one another. Most were more of a phantom pain that you would share, but bigger injuries, larger bouts of pain, were shared.

"Your lip is split." A man in the cell beside you said. "Is it your soulmate?"

"They're always injured." You nodded, gently touching the cut that didn't hurt.

"Look who's talking." Loki snorted. "How long ago was it, darling, that they were cutting you to test how fast you healed?"

"Not long enough." You grimaced.

Loki was the only one in this hell hole you could talk to. There were only three other prisoners left here now. There was a girl who could project nightmares out into the real world, the collar stopped her from projecting, but she was trapped in her own. There was a man who could turn into solid rock but never spoke. And a young boy whose powers you didn't know, but he sat there mumbling prayers to himself all day and night.

A loud clang interrupted the two of you. Your head snapped to the doors to see two guards and a doctor enter the room.

"It'll have to be this one." The doctor said, gesturing to the cell on your other side. "So even if they risk facing the electricity, the bars will be too strong to break." He told the guards. "When we've finished our tests, you'll bring them back here."

"Yes, sir." The guards both nodded and with that, the three left the room.

"Looks like we're going to get some new roommates." Loki shrugged. "And I have no welcoming gift for them, shame."

You weren't sure how much time had passed when the doors open once more. You hadn't thought about your new prison mates since the guards left. Your mind had been too occupied by the pain you felt.

"Get your hands off him!" A blonde male yelled, struggling against the guards holding him.

"Oh, dear," Loki murmured.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Easy now!" A long brunette exclaimed as he and the blonde were thrown into the cell beside you. The brunette rushed to the cell door and held onto the bars. "Mother fucker!" He swore, yanking his hands away.

"All the cells are electrified." You informed them.

Both men's heads snapped towards you, and you watched as their eyes grew wide.

"You have a tail." The blonde said, staring down at your scaled appendage. "

"Forget the tail, Stevie, look. Her lip. Her shoulder." The brunette said, pointing to your scared shoulder. Your hand immediately flew up to cover the ugly scar.

Your eyes narrowed at the two, and before you could hiss something at them, you noticed something very peculiar.

The matching split lips the two sported.

"This can't be real." You muttered, watching the two closely. The blonde tugged his shirt down to reveal the same distinct scar on your shoulder.

"Soulmate." The two said.

"Soulmates." You repeated, confused.

"I guess this means you're also mated to my brother, darling," Loki said, breaking the moment.

Your soulmate's heads snapped to him.

"Loki?"

"How long have you been here?" Steve asked you as Bucky searched for weak parts of the cell.

"I'm not sure." You admitted. "We're not told how long we're here, and time is different from home."

"What is the date, Captain?" Loki asked, standing as close to the bars as he dared.

"October 17th, 2018," Steve told him.

"Y/N was here before I, and I've been here five months," Loki told them.

"How did they get you?" You questioned your soulmates.

"Caught us by surprise," Bucky said, moving to stand beside Steve. "We've been looking for this one since he disappeared." He told you, nodding his head in Loki's direction. "We found a lead and went to check it out. They were waiting for us."

"How did they catch you, Loki?" Steve asked, raising a brow. "And how have they kept you hidden for this long?"

"In all honesty, I don't know." Loki sighed. "I was exploring an occult shop the little witch recommended me, I leave, and the next thing I know, I am trapped in this disgusting excuse of a prison."

"What is the point of this place? They took our blood and some other things." Bucky told them.

"This is a testing facility." You said. "We're their experiments. This stops us from using any of our powers." You told them, tapping the collar that sat against your throat.

"I believe that this collar is why no-one can locate anyone in this facility," Loki added.

"How do we get them off?" Steve demanded as he tried to pull at his.

"You can't." You shook your head. "Only someone not wearing one can remove a collar."

"Shit," Bucky swore, running his fingers through his hair.

"It's fine, Buck. The team will find us. Thor will find us." Steve assured everyone. "We're getting out of here."

"I have been here five months, Captain." Loki shook his head. "Your promises do not inspire hope."

No-one had come. In however long since Steve had made his promise, no-one had come.

But this didn't surprise you. No-one ever came, except for the doctors and the guards.

They always came.

Since the arrival of your soulmates, the three of you had worked on strengthing your bond as best you could. The two told you stories about their lives and their third, your last soulmate, Loki's brother, Thor. In turn, you told them about your past and what you were.

"What do you miss most about your home?" Bucky asked out of the blue.

"The whales." You said with a fond smile. "They traveled all the oceans, and I'd always listen to their stories."

"Did your pod not travel much?" Steve wondered.

"No. The elders always said the pod belonged in one place. We weren't supposed to question them." You shrugged.

"Something tells me you didn't listen to that rule much." Bucky teased.

"There was no reasoning for their rules. No explanation. Who wants to live like that?" You smiled. "What's Thor like?" You asked your two soulmates.

"Kind," Steve said as Bucky said,

"Fantastic."

"He's always joyous," Steve told you. "Always ready for a laugh."

"Stands up for the little guy," Bucky mentioned. "He's going to love you, doll." "I hope so. My interactions with Norse Gods are pretty minimal." You said, looking over at a sleeping Loki.

"So was ours before. Trust us, you'll be more than fine." Steve smiled.

Before you could respond, the familiar sound of the doors being thrown open interrupted you. At the noise, Loki sat up, Steve and Bucky stood, and you watched as the guards made their way towards you.

You tensed when your cell door was thrust open, and three guards approached your tank.

"Watch it." One guard snapped at another who pulled your tank too roughly. "Perkins will kill you if you hurt her."

"What's he care? He's gonna cut her open anyway." A guard snapped, yanking the tank once more.

"Careful, you're gonna-" The guard started to yell, but it was too late. Your tank was jolted forward and smashed against the ground. As soon as you were no longer in a body of water, your legs began to shift.

And now you were laid on the floor, completely naked, clutching a bleeding cut on your cheek.

"Look what you've fucking done, Paul." The guard snapped, reaching down to grab you by the arm.

A loud yelp escaped you as the man yanked you to your unsteady feet and held you tightly against him.

"Get your hands off her!" Bucky shouted, kicking the bars of the cell.

"Ed, look." The third guard said, gesturing to the two men, the two men who had matching cuts to yours.

"Who woulda thought America's golden boy would be mates with a fish?" Ed laughed, dragging you forward. "You think Perkins knows about this?"

"Fuck no. You know, Perkins woulda already set up new experiments if he did." The third man shook his head.

"Maybe it's time he knew," Ed murmured. "D, you're with me," Ed said, opening Steve and Bucky's cell and throwing you in. A grunt left your mouth as you hit the floor before you were in Bucky's arms. "Paul, clean up this fucking mess. And get a new tank." He ordered.

"Shame Perkins won't let us play with the merchandise," Paul said, staring at you as the two other men rushed out. "You look good for a fish." He added as Steve and Bucky growled, and Bucky turned, shielding you from Paul's eyes.

"Here, doll," Steve said, pulling off his shirt and helping you into it as Paul left.

The long-sleeved blue material was soft and fell almost to your knees. In your pod, there had been no such thing as covering up or modesty. Everyone was bare from the torso up anyway, but if this shirt would hide you from the guards prying eyes, you would never be taking it off.

"Are you okay?" Bucky asked, pulling back slightly to look you over. "How much glass got you?" He questioned, checking your available skin.

"I'm fine." 

"Don't think we can't feel your pain." Bucky rose a brow.

"My feet hurt." You mumbled after a second.

"May I?" Steve asked, holding a hand near them. The blonde gently pulled your feet onto his lap once you nodded. "I can't tell if there's any glass in them, but they're both bleeding."

"It's okay. I'll heal." You promised him. "Hi." You smiled, looking at the two up close for the first time.

"Hi." Steve grinned, taking your hand.

"This is a pretty neat trick, doll," Bucky said, putting a hand on your knee. "They know about this?"

"Yes." You nodded. "They've already done their tests." You added with a grimace.

"We're going to take you away from here, Y/N," Steve promised you. "One way or another, we're getting out of here."

"Hope breeds eternal misery, Captain." Loki interrupted.

"When have you been one to lose hope, Loki?" Bucky asked his soulmate's brother.

"I have not lost hope, Sargent. I am merely trying to warn the woman from putting much stock in the belief of escape. Ask how many bodies she has seen dragged from this place." Loki said, causing you to look down.

Too many.

"We started this mission to find you, Loki. The team will find us, Thor will find us, and everyone in here is getting out." Steve firmly stated.

"I'm sorry, Captain, but it appears we'll have to disagree here."

After Loki's comment, it had gone silent, minus of course, the mumbled prayers of a boy.

The three of you had sat, huddled towards the back of the cell with you still sitting on Bucky's lap.

"I wouldn't go back to my pod." You said, playing with Bucky's fingers. "When we get out. I don't think they'd have me back anyway."

"Why's that, doll?"

"I didn't listen to the elders, and I never passed my rites of passage." You shrugged.

The rites of passage were a series of trials that a coming-of-age siren would complete to show their dedication to the pod. One of those trails was to drown a human.

And that, you couldn't bring yourself to do.

"You can come back with us," Steve told you. "The Tower has plenty of space for you to have a room of your own."

"Or you could share our room," Bucky suggested.

"Or you could share our room. Whatever you're comfortable with, doll." Steve promised.

"I might have to stay close to you three. Seems someones got to make sure you three don't get injured." You teased.

"Trust me, doll, that's all, Steve." Bucky quietly chuckled.

The doors crashed open for the second that day. The three guards from earlier reappeared, along with another three, with two doctors behind them.

"Congratulations on finding each other!" A doctor cheered as the cell door was pulled open, and guards pulled the three of you to a stand. "We've never had two soulmates here before! Let alone three!"

"Really, what a shame we're the first," Bucky muttered, glaring at the guards restraining you and Steve.

"I mean, who would have thought two super soldiers would be mated with a siren? There are so many questions, so many trials we must now have." The doctor rambled as the three of you were dragged from the room.

"Unfortunately for the three of you, these new trials and tests won't be pleasant." The other doctor informed you all as you stumbled on your unsure legs.

"Like anything that's done here is pleasant." Steve scoffed.

"But you know what they say, pain equals progress." The first doctor shrugged.

"Did anyone ever teach about gentle?" You snapped as the three of you were forced onto metal tables and strapped down.

"Or how to treat a lady?" Bucky asked before grunting as his collar shocked him. Both you and Steve made noises of discomfort.

"Small doses of pain can be felt through the bond!" The first doctor cheered as the other wrote it down.

"That was a small dose?" 

"We continue down the scale!"

"Who the fuck taught you what a scale was?" Bucky grunted what felt like days later. "Because that did not go up in a scale."

The two doctors had worked on the three of you for what must have been hours. Blood covered the three of you and dripped onto the floor as you all tried to catch your breath.

"I see your attitude was not affected by the tests." The second doctor scoffed as the first rapidly wrote down his notes.

"We only have one more test for the day." The first doctor said, nodding at the guards who began to set up for the next test.

"You have been alive as long as Sargent Barnes here, haven't you, Captain? Tell us, did you feel it when this happened?" Steve was asked as the doctor trailed his fingers over Bucky's arm.

"What,you're gonna cut our arms off now?" You asked, watching the doctors in a panic.

"Perhaps in time. But we have a much more pressing question for today." He said as a hose was pulled out. "I wonder what would happen to the Captain and Sargent if we cut your tail." He told you, and suddenly you were soaked.

Your legs shifted back, and your panic began to build.

"Wait, no, please, don't do this." You begged, attempting to wrench your body off the table.

"You've done enough testing! You don't need to do this!" Steve yelled.

"This is all in the name of progression." The first doctor said, ignoring your pleas as he sat at the end of the table, a tray of tools beside him.

"There is no progression in this!"

"Roberts begin recording." The doctor ordered. "Beginning test one, removing scales. As recorded before, scales are incredibly tough to remove by tweezers. So we will be cutting them out." He stated calmly before using a scalpel to expertly slice your scales.

A loud scream left you as your soulmates exclaimed loudly in anger and pain.

"Male subjects can feel female's pain even in this form!" The doctor grinned. "Proceeding onto next test!" He said, holding up what looked like the nose of a sawfish.

"If you fucking touch her again, I'll rip your head off!" Bucky yelled as your voice got caught in your throat.

Both doctors ignored Bucky's threats as they continued with their experiments.

Just as the sawfish-looking tool touched the base of your tail when the lights and machines of the room turned off.

"What happened?"

"Must be an electrical short." A guard said, causing Steve and Bucky to laugh as a loud, echoing boom reached your ears.

"Get out there." Roberts snapped to the guards, who immediately rushed outside.

"You're dead now." Bucky laughed. "Nothing's going to save you now." He said as the guards began to yell.

"Perkins," Roberts said, backing up. "I believe it's time to run."

"Run? Never! These are our experiments. No-one can take them from us!" Perkins scoffed before the door boomed open.

There stood a tall blond man. His blonde hair was long and slightly matted with blood, and electricity was dancing on his skin.

"You dare touch my soulmates!" He boomed, raising his hammer as his eyes glowed brightly.

Electricity filled the room, and soon, both doctors were unconscious on the ground.

"Steven. James." The man sighed, rushing over to the closest man.

"Thor." Bucky smiled as Thor began to rip the bonds holding him. "We have someone for you to meet."

"This is Y/N, our other soulmate." Steve smiled, tilting his head towards you. "Y/N, this is Thor."

"Hi." You smiled, teeth stained with blood. "I'm normally not this blood-stained, I swear."

"I believe that. It is wonderful to meet another soulmate, but perhaps introductions are best made once we are out of here." He said as he and Bucky ripped Steve's bonds, causing you and Steve to laugh.

"That's probably for the best." You nodded. The three men made their way over to you, and Bucky pulled the hose away from you, causing you to shift.

"Did you find Loki?" Steve asked the God.

"Aye. We found the prison first, and Loki told the three of you had been taken. He and the others are with the rest of the team." Thor told him as the two helped you to your feet.

You attempted to take a step, but you had never walked on your own before, and so, you began to collapse. You were caught by thick arms and pulled into a burly chest.

"Are you alright, darling?" Thor asked, looking you over in concern.

"I'm fine. Just not very steady." You said, your cheeks burning red.

"Allow me," Thor said, handing his hammer to Steve and pulling you into his arms.

"Thank you."

"Of course. Anything for one of my soulmates."

"Are you trying to give us grey hairs?" Bucky asked, bandaging a cut on Steve's cheek, a cut you all now had.

"I didn't mean to trip, you know, Buck?" Steve muttered, looking down.

It had been two years since you had met your soulmates. Two years since the three had freed you from your prison.

The four of you were on vacation right now. It was the first vacation the four of you had taken together and your first one altogether.

Tony had loaned you one of his many houses, this one by the ocean, much to your pleasure.

"How is him tripping giving you grey hairs, James?" Thor asked in amusement.

"I don't know. It just is."

"I'm pretty sure they have cures for grey hairs, Buck." You mentioned. "You could borrow Clint's hair dye if it really bothers you."

"I'm telling him you said that." Bucky laughed.

"I'll protect you from the archer, my darling," Thor said, throwing his arm around your shoulders.

"Good because I don't think Bucky wants to clean up any more injuries. And Clint's a bleeder." Steve said, causing the three of you to laugh.

God, what you would give for it to always be like this.

Remember all Taglists are open as are requests.

Taglist @rvgrsbrns @smilexcaptainx @hopingforbarnes @starlingelliot @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @jelly-fishy-babie @skeletoresinthebasement @agent-barnes40 @reann-shitposting @skadikh @summergeezburr @buckybarton03 @sunshinepower17 @bindythedemon @natasharomanoffismywife @keenmarvellover @bbybarness @storiesbystarlight @buckybarnesplumwhore @bromieeeomieee @marvelmenarebeautiful @niki-is-a-thing @pauloonig @abyssiniapleasant @beautybyfire @officalmarvelbaby @acertainredhead @reapersan @adoreyou976 @casperlikej @songbirdcannabe @wandas-lover

[opalescient]

haikyuu fic recs — the most beautiful, lovely, breathtaking masterlist (vol. I)

so i’ve been binging fics to cure my sadness, and i thought that these select masterpieces were too magnificent to not be plastered on every billboard ever. some tore my soul into shreds, while others melted said shreds back whole, but all of them made me feel some form of sheer, unadulterated love, so. please enjoy! 🥰⛅️✨

note: all of these fics are exquisite and you should read all of them, but if you’re short of time, those with ☆ are my all-time favourites!

daisuga

butterfly in the subway by bigspoonnoya ☆ | T

Sugawara Koushi has no idea he's already in love with the man he's supposed to hate.

i lovelovelove how all the concepts tied in together like a perfectly wrapped gift

also very wholesome, made me feel so inexplicably warm. like, love can exist everywhere!!! despite everything!!! that’s just so inspiring

i revisited this many times, i think it was (one of) my first haikyuu fics and honestly. it set the bar so high and i have no regrets

you’d fit my lonely arms so perfectly by boxofwonder ☆ | G

“Oh. You're. Not Asahi.”

Calmed down enough that he can speak again, Daichi takes a deep breath, his smile settling on his face easily and wide.

“Not as far as I know, no.”

-

Suga accidentally calls a stranger instead of his best friend, tells him all about his burned batch of cookies before realising, and that particular mistake might turn out the best one he ever made.

major, major fluff

the buildup!!!

god this made my yearning for love so much worse

the perfect stranger by downmoon | T

There’s a man standing outside Suga's door.

Scratch that. Start over.

There’s a man he doesn’t know standing outside his door, holding his sleeping nephew in one arm, with another kid clinging tightly to his free hand.

so domestic please read the entire series from start to finish it has my whole heart

shoyou and tobio as their actual kids 🥺

these two parents are so in love it makes me wanna cry

asanoya

silica sand by lilien passe ☆ | G

Overworked, over-stressed programmer Azumane Asahi works on the top floor of a Shinjuku skyscraper. Nervous around his coworkers and terrified of the long drop on the other side of the window, Asahi falls into a miserable routine, only to have it broken one day by a simple message on the outside of the glass.

PLEASE. so well-written it makes my heart glow and ache simultaneously

made me ascend into asanoya heaven

such a brilliantly unique concept i love it A+

qué syrah syrah by loudlucy | M

Asahi wants to be a Master Sommelier. It's the highest honor in wine service, and the certification would allow him to live the life he's always envisioned for himself. Too bad the certification test is notorious for being the world's most difficult.

Most people fail their first time taking the exam, and Asahi is no exception, but he has more difficulty than most dusting himself off and getting back on his feet. Enter Nishinoya, a young man who shares his same dream, and who believes in their goals so fiercely it forces Asahi to embark on a delicious and sensuous journey of viticulture and validation.

AKA The Wine Tasting AU that literally no one even knew to ask for.

NOTE: You Do Not Need to Know About Wine to Understand This Fic!

another super unique concept!!! (´∀｀=)

my god their chemistry is amazing

the writing made me feel things ngl

stop my bones from wondering by cerasi ☆ | T

After graduation, Asahi hides from the world and needs help from a few sources to find his way back.

i want to write sonnets and sing ballads for this fic, it’s that beautiful

as always, Top Notch Writing *chef’s kiss*

no but i seriously... can i kiss the author? asking for a friend 😳👉🏼👈🏼

iwaoi

star-crossed by starlitcities | T

“I never thought I’d see the day that I’d envy a human,” Oikawa admits, showering himself in tiny suns, because he can actually feels those, like a fusillade of warm kisses on luminous skin that leave marks. To humans, they’d be freckles. Skin stars, Oikawa calls them. He didn’t make that up, a human did.

“Who created the rule that we can’t touch, I wonder,” Iwaizumi ponders, floating heedlessly through space.

“Maybe it’s because we can fly. Humans dream of flying, right?”

“I don’t think so.”

gsjsgsjshsjshsjsj star!iwaoi

they’re LITERALLY STARS

beautifulbeautifulbeautiful i love how the author conveyed the beauty of touch and humanity 🥺🥺

please bless yourself further with the sequel sun-kissed

conquering the great king by suggestivescribe ☆| E

Iwaizumi blinked his gaze over to Oikawa, "Last time was supposed to be a one time thing," he said, voice low, lacking some conviction.

Oikawa's lips twitched into a smirk and he brought them hovering just over Iwaizumi's, "One time thing, Two time thing, what's it matter as long as it's not a Relationship thing?"

yes.

in fact, this entire series (breaking the rules) features daisuga, kuroken, asanoya and it’s SO GOOD. every single one.

but anyway, character development!!!!! plot!!!!!!!!! writing!!!!!!!! i’m here for it all

tsukkiyama

campfire in your chest by deanpendragon ☆ | M

Kei realizes in their second year of high school that he’s probably been in love with Yamaguchi since they were ten. However hopeless he might be in handling that situation, Kei prays he’s at least not as hopeless as Hinata and Kageyama. But he just might be.

SO BEAUTIFUL

i am also a sucker for anything with stars, moons and all the love in between

no words to describe this work of art please just go read it and be blessed

under the lilac tree by raewrites | G

there’s a lilac tree in Kei’s backyard.

gorgeous in its simplicity

softtsukkisofttsukkisofttsukki

not as grandiose as the rest but the love written into every word, action and character is absolutely show-stopping

kagehina

saffron and cayenne pepper by dontsaycrazy ☆ | T

Cooking is hard. Even if you have your very attractive, very grumpy neighbor there to help you.

-

In which Hinata's lack of cooking skills are a danger to him and others. Luckily (or not), Kageyama is willing to teach him, if only for the sake of avoiding any burned down apartments.

the essence of their characters were captured so well and yet it’s like they’re completely new characters too? author, whoever you are, you totally owned this

this made me ship kagehina so hard

fluff! cuteness! lots and lots of cooing!

kuroken

the galaxy is endless (i thought we were, too) by cosmogony ☆ | T

soulmate

/ˈsəʊlmeɪt/ • noun

A person who was made from the same star as you.

-

// Kuroken AU where the last words your soulmate will say to you appear on your skin when you turn 16, and how Kenma and Kuroo learn what this means over the course of their lives.

ahhh here it is. beautiful, heartbreaking, soul-emptying agony. you want angst? choke on this, and your tears later on.

no but seriously please read this if you haven’t you won’t regret it at all i promise

written from kenma’s perspective so you experience every depth and multitude of emotion he does and it’s so raw and- brb imma go cry for a sec

knot in my heart by hearthope | T

There’s a picture. Kenma blinks, looking at the little calico cat, being held up next to the face of a guy with stupidly messy hair and a crooked grin.

Cute.

The— the cat. The cat is cute.

Just the cat.

-

Kuroo starts spending a lot of time at the flower shop Kenma works at. Kenma definitely isn't into him.

okay so i like it when authors unravel a normally stoic character’s full scope of emotion and give them depth, sue me.

anyway, back on the fluff train!

i absolutely f*ck with flower symbolisms, cats and bitchy best friends who have dirt on each other. the layers of romance, friendship and everything in between is so prettily developed 10/10

bokuaka

the jacket you never returned by daisuga ☆☆ | G

He leaned over, kissed Bokuto on the cheek, and smiled bitterly, eyes watery.

He will never remember. Not now, not ever.

What they were will now forever be forgotten.

-

"You used to call me Keiji, Koutarou."

YOU USED TO CALL ME KEIJI, KOUTAROU!!!!!!!!!!

i beg you to listen to Spiegel im Spiegel when it’s first mentioned in the story please

i read this and screamed through my tears for a solid 1.5 hours. i rarely cry.

no f*ckin regrets though i read this thrice already and it hurts so good every time

rules by conesofdunshire ☆☆ | E

In which Akaashi Keiji is an overworked accountant who stumbles upon Bokuto one night playing the piano in the lobby of his work. Bokuto is different, that much is obvious. But with such supreme musical talent and a smile so dazzling it rivals the sun, there's just something about him that brings Akaashi back every night.

this fic. this fic has my whole, broken, sobbing heart and laughing soul

gorgeous. breathtaking. magnificent.

bokuto is so WARM and akaashi is so STRONG and they both find the solace they need in each other and it’s all i want for me 😭😭😭

in another life by littleluxray | T

Sleeping didn't come as easy as it used to. Bokuto knew this, and now Akaashi did, too.

The hospital AU that no body asked for, but that I took upon myself to write.

this is a famous fic that i doubt any seasoned haikyuu reader wouldn’t know, and RIGHTLY SO BECAUSE, the PAIN. the pain. the pain.

i could feel my lungs shrivel up and my chest cave in on itself. fatigue and rest are things i struggle with too so this whole story resonated with me from start to finish, and it broke me. in like, the best, most revitalising way

i would read this again but it still haunts me at night. i need to heal from the first time before i have the guts to try one more time HAHAHA 😆💔😭

tea-stained polaroids by dalyeau | G

“I'm gonna date that,” Bokuto declares solemnly, and Kuroo throws a plastic spoon at his head.

mmmmmmm pretty photographer + personalised coffee cups + cute baristas = diabetic fluff fic

i smiled so much throughout this you have no idea. cheeks achey but so good

i may have squealed a little at the ending

kurotsukki

moonfall by batman | T

There is no unlearning Tetsurou, after all. There is only leaving him.

-

(Five things of Tetsurou's that ended up in Kei's home, and one that never left.)

the writing!!!!!! is pure beauty!!!! sheer grace!!!!!!! the construction of the AU and the romanticism and hsjsgsjshsj

didn’t cry but. heart ache and bittersweet smiles are another level of misery that is just as fulfilling

yea just pleasepleasepleaseplease go read it thank you and have a good day

hidden gem by realmSpinner | E

Things get complicated when everything you thought you knew about a guy changes, and they get even more complicated when you actually start liking those changes.

That guy working with you AND becoming your neighbor? That's just a cherry on top of the cake of confusion.

this AU was refreshingly different, and amazingly so

top!tsukki??? sign me the f*ck up

the whole plot, man. perfection.

pings by barfs ☆☆ | T

[5/02/16, 3:50:17 AM] Tsukishima Kei: Please wake up.

[5/02/16, 3:50:23 AM] Tsukishima Kei: I hate begging. You know I hate it.

[5/02/16, 3:50:34 AM] Tsukishima Kei: I bet you’re snickering at that, wherever you are.

[5/02/16, 3:50:53 AM] Tsukishima Kei: But, it keeps hurting and I don’t know why and it feels like shit and I know you could tell me why, but you’re not here and I would really appreciate it if you’d just wake up.

[5/02/16, 3:51:02 AM] Tsukishima Kei: You’re laughing at that too, aren’t you.

[5/02/16, 3:51:10 AM] Tsukishima Kei: Dying is probably up there in the list of top ten shitty things you’ve ever done, and you’ve done a lot of shitty things.

god.

you already know what’s coming, and yet. when it comes.

how the f*ck did the author make grief beautiful????????? (at the expense of me dying along with kei and everyone else i guess)

this fic will ruin you and bury you under all your pain (i hope you’re ready)

but also put you back together with the “sequel”

kyouhaba

close to the chest by darkmagicalgirl | T

It takes Yahaba thirteen years to realize he's different from the other kids, one to figure out how to hide it, and two more to learn to be happy just the way he is. Yahaba's journey ft. an extremely annoyed Kyoutani, best friend in the world Watari, and loads and loads of good senpai Oikawa.

cause i’m (not) alright with the slow, burn~

no fr, take slow and burn very seriously

overthinking yahaba? i understand. i do.

again, such an amazing fic; 10/10 recommend

safe here by crossbelladonna ☆ | M

“Raids are routine work,” Kyoutani tells to Yahaba before he can air the question. “Sometimes there is no sleep done until we accomplish something, say kill a certain ghoul. I guess they’re still going through the possibility that people in the accident are still alive huh?”

Yahaba quirks a smile, pushing his mask up his head.

“You’re alive.”

Kyoutani looks at him intently and all of the things that they’ve gone through for the past month seems to flash in his mind.

“Yes I am.”

i haven’t watched tokyo ghoul but i understood everything perfectly. such is the power of f*cking kickass writing

*cue ugly crying and a lot of unresolved angst*

like the grief??????? ruin me please thank you 🙏 (i think i’m a little masochistic)

rare pairs

mannequin men by surveycorpsjean ☆ | M

[bokuto/akaashi/kuroo/tuskishima]

The modelling world is full of hungry wolves, constantly clambering over the other, snarling and desperate. They fight, and they kill, trampling over anything in their path.

In this case, Akaashi fell in love with the wolves.

i did not expect this to be good, and it wasn’t. it was SPLENDID.

akaashi is so enamoured with them from the get go i love it

a tiny bit of angst that stabbed me in the heart, but the happy ending soothed it (thankfully, because if there wasn’t one i will sue)

characterisation, writing, plot development; everything is great. can you tell i’m running out of synonyms for ‘beautiful’

feel like gold by heronfem ☆☆ | T

[bokuto/akaashi/kuroo/kenma]

In which Kenma is unapologetic and comfortable with who he is, Akaashi learns a lot about himself in a short period of time, Kuroo is wildly in love and an eternal survivor, and Bokuto remembers that love doesn't cure mental illness, but having a support system sure helps a lot.

Or, the one where 4 young men get together, and are helplessly, hopelessly, utterly in love despite everything.

e.e. cummings?? poetry??? f*ck yes

so beautiful. i’m so star-struck by this fic it’s simply stunning

there are no words to fully capture how worth your time and heart and mind reading this fic is so please. do yourself a favour, and fall in love with this fic with me

the sky and guilt are the only feelings i have left by oopsthisisqueertoo ☆☆ | not rated

[bokuto/akaashi/kuroo]

Akaashi is at his wits end. He feels nothing. He's quickly crumbling as a human being. He wants nothing but sweet release of death. In his fourth year of college he drafts a plan for his suicide. He is to graduate, publish writing for others to be inspired by, and slip quietly away. Shortly after, he meets a dog walker named Bokuto who asks him out and Akaashi reluctantly agrees. Nothing matters anymore and he treats Bokuto like an obligation. Until he's not anymore.

TW: SUICIDE ATTEMPTS & DEPRESSION

this was... this gutted me entirely and filled my body with too many shades of agony

arguably one of the best haikyuu fics i’ve ever read

so beautiful in the most painful way fathomable; strongly recommend

april to may by surveycorpsjean | T

[bokuto/akaashi/kuroo/tsukishima]

They're an odd family.

The four of them? Parents?

But still, they're a family.

So they'll support each other until the end.

aaahhhhh third gym as parents 🥺

so much fluff. i also love april and may

they’re still so in love there’s love in every millimetre of this fic :”)

that’s it for now! i’ll add more if i come across anymore good fics. i hope you enjoyed this list! if you have any requests/fic recs, or if u just wanna chat, feel free to just ask! hehe 🥰 k aight bye~

[tuancore]

Lost You (Part 16) Final :

Starring- Jinyoung x reader

Genre- Angst, fluff

Summary- It's your choices and actions which made you miserable.

It was taking you a whole lot of time to accept and embrace the reality, even when it was much better than the little imagination of your head. Sometimes you still wondered if it was really nothing but just a figment of your imagination, your mind playing tricks on your unconscious body and damaged brain.

It's strange how a human body functions. You visited the neurologists for the best treatments and therapy that you could receive. Examining your brain, the doctor concluded that your hippocampus which is responsible for the memory has certainly been damaged resulting in retrograde amnesia, since you don't remember anything apart from your so called traumatic imagination. Fortunately you were still able to recognise people who were your close ones.

Everyone has been very understanding and nice to you even when you've clearly dumped each and every memory you had shared with them, a river of guilt soaking you wet with each passing second whenever they tried to tell you a certain piece of your memory of how you used to be. A sad smile adorning your face, it had become like you never lived with others and Jinyoung for so many years. You lost majority of your memories with Jinyoung, you did know that you were madly in love with him but everything turned upside down for you.

Undoubtedly it was your brain who played your life in such episodes which didn't even take place, though it felt so damn real. According to the doctor, It rarely happens that some patient who is suffering from a concussion and is in coma is precisely living in their mind. You didn't really tell them about Jisoo, you just termed her as some girl you wouldn't want to ever meet in your life.

Although you've certainly accepted the loss of your memories but you still needed time to let Jinyoung in again, you didn't feel a lot comfortable around him, he sure treated you like some princess but you couldn't bring yourself to accept him, so you kept yourself far from him as much as possible. Whenever he tried talking to you, you've been cold to him, you were worried if he would grow upset and leave but no, he didn't. Instead he stuck to you.

"Jinyoung, I'm sorry" You muttered softly pulling your hands from his grasp, standing up on your feet your back facing him,"I—I know that you've been hurt and how happy you're to see me again, but..... Jinyoung" You fiddled with your fingers nervously,"I need some time,I'm not ready to love you again, it's not like I don't trust you, it's just...—".

"Shhh~" Jinyoung cut you in between standing from the couch,"I understand how you're feeling right now,you were just handed with the most shocking news of your life. I won't force you into doing anything which you are uncomfortable with, trust me...." He expressed softly, a warm smile spreading over his sharp features as he stood in front of you.

"Thank you" You smiled back,for him being so understanding, "And I'm so sorry for putting you through this—".

"Aigoo, you talk too much" He chuckled, "Neither do I require your thank you nor sorry. All I require for living is you. If you're happy then I'm happy bab—", he stopped biting his tongue, "I'm sorry for that".

"It's okay you c—can still c—call me that", You cleared your throat avoiding the eye contact, he grinned inwardly probably thinking how cute you were being right now.

"I hope we can start off as friends then, as housemates. I promise no funny business", he asked raising his pinky finger for you to entangle in his which you did with a hesitant smile.

Since then you and Jinyoung have been sleeping in two different rooms, you're quite surprised at the amount of patience he has. He probably does everything which an ideal husband should. Yes, a husband and not a boyfriend. It sometimes makes you wonder what kind of memories you actually shared with Jinyoung, how was it to be newly in love with him, what all things about him intrigued you, what was that about him which really made you fall for him.

You started spending your time with others, you did say that you no longer consider your traumatic experience, yet in some corner of your heart, you were terrified since it was the only thing that you remember, that's it. The hardest was to meet with Youngjae. However, he showed you the photo albums which had both of your past times captured, he also took you out to the places, where you both used to enjoy hanging out and playing around with eachother.

Jinyoung mostly spend his afternoons and evenings in his office working diligently but always managed to call you once in a while to ask you if you had eaten your lunch, had your medicines on time, if you were reading anything in particular. You were mostly bored at home, unless one of your friends took you out with them. Jinyoung made sure you had no household chores to be worried about, he used to clean and arrange the entire house before you could open your eyes in the morning, mostly he went office without you knowing, your breakfast already prepared, ready to be consumed.

BamBam and Mark often came over to play video games with you whenever you were alone, Yugyeom and Jackson taught you some of their dance moves which was better way to stay fit than gyming out according to them while you went out with Jinyoung and Jaebeom to book stores and coffee shops, and you genuinely appreciated each one of their efforts. They have always been your family but now the picture was getting more clear.

On his days off, Jinyoung used to take you out on small dates, exactly how you liked. No fancy restaurants with people wearing tuxedos and silk dresses instead you liked strolling around the streets at night, playing at amusement park, eating ice creams, spending that quiet moment at Han river, you didn't really recalled that you liked those until Jinyoung informed you.

You knew that behind that adorable smile and soft affectionate eyes was a hurting heart, he was sorely hurting himself more and more just to mend yours. At the beginning you were somewhat scared of Jinyoung, of course he felt foreign to you, but you weren't to him, Most of the times when you tried putting yourself in his shoes, it broke your heart every single time.

"Noona!" BamBam and Yugyeom nudged your arm from either side.

"Yeah yeah", You answered staring back at them. "You've been zoning out, are you okay?" Yugyeom asked.

"I'm fine, just thinking about something", You replied still staring into the void. "Something or someone?" BamBam smirked. Had it been some other time you would have smacked them, but it made you blush.

"Can I ask you guys something?", You said aloud gaining all six of their attentions, eyes watching you intently,"Go ahead", JB motioned.

"Do you guys think that I'm hurting Jinyoung?" You asked nervously. They all laughed softly as if you could not say something more stupid than this, "I really did....".

Youngjae shrugged BamBam and Yugyeom from beside you, conquering the right side on the couch while Jackson sat on the left, tears brimming in your eyes.

"Shhh~" Youngjae wiped your tears lightly pulling your cheeks, "You can never hurt him, this is just a hard phase that you both will eventually get over with, together".

"What made you think that you are hurting him?" Jackson added, you faced him with a sad eyes,"I—I don't know....it just feels so, he is always smiley face whenever he's with me, but blame my heart because it says that he's somewhere hurting real bad", You explained.

"That's true, he is hurting real bad", JB began as soon as you locked eyes with him, he smiled "But not because of you, he is hurting because of the distance you both have, he's not blaming you for any of that actually he's happy because you....." He pointed at you "You are his heart, is with him but not within him. You know we've seen him crying and mourning over you the entire time. But other than consoling him and encouraging him we had nothing to do".

"He barely ate, barely slept. He kept on switching between you and his work yet managed to do both of them perfectly. We are aware about your condition, and please don't feel as if you asking for sometime was wrong. It was right in your place" Mark explained, "But we also have seen him longing for you, praying continuously for your well being to God, he was dying to hold you in his arms where you belonged".

"Your brain might've deceived you, but your heart won't, the feelings, the emotions and the love that you hold for him will forever be engraved there, because you both love eachother", Youngjae expressed while others nodded in approval.

Tears flowed constantly down your cheeks to your neck, not bothering to wipe them you still listened to each of their views with blurry eyes.

__________

Jinyoung called you in the evening letting you know that he'll be working late, with a quiet yet affectionate 'I Love You', which you obviously didn't reply back.

It's been six months already since you and Jinyoung restarted off as friends. Not even once did he cross the line, although he had every right to hold you in his arms and behave like a possessive boyfriend, instead he gave you so much freedom, just for your sake. He never touched you, not even your hands and it was about time you knew that he is the one for you, he didn't had to really touch you to make you feel things, to make you see how much he loves you because his eyes were enough to tell that you are his world, You are his life, And if you are not here, Then he won't be able to survive.

And the way he took care of you for past six months without asking for anything in return, if this isn't love then you were genuinely not interested in knowing it's actual definition.

Thinking everything to yourself, you drifted off to sleep hugging onto a pillow. Later when Jinyoung arrived home, it was 2am in the morning he was always cautious of his actions and he didn't want to wake you up right now at any cost. He gently pushed open the door to your bedroom, seeing you sleeping peacefully with your luscious hair sprawled over your pillow and some of the locks cascading your face, Jinyoung smiled softly feeling content, walking towards your form, he crouched down on his knees to see your face.

The moonlight landing on your face, making you look ethereal to him, the way your skin shimmered with the moonlight. He could sit and watch you like this for day and night without even blinking. Jinyoung lightly raised his fingers to side your locks being extra careful to not to touch your skin.

"I'm sorry, I promised not to touch you but it's just it's hard to hold back", Jinyoung apologized, finally caressing your head lovingly. "I'm sorry that I'm busy with all these office works and I'm unable to give you time, it's been hectic lately. Sometimes things get so.......so—that I just want to run to you telling you about my problems, like I used to. Your eyes, your smile was enough to say that everything will be alright.....but nothing about you is same anymore, why are you still so uncomfortable with me? I want you back please......When will we be like before?".

"Baby....I am not blaming you for any of that, I can understand. When you were admitted to the hospital the doctors almost gave up, they said that— that.... Maybe y—you won't survive, but I wasn't ready to let you go...hell I won't ever be ready to let you go ever......before losing you I would want to die, seeing you on that hospital ward was enough to wreck me, God knows how many times I wished it was me rather than you lying lifeless ".

Jinyoung has been keeping his feelings bottled up since then, and today they spilled out. He sobbed caressing your hair, "But the look you gave me when I first tried to hug you, I can never forget how hard it hit my heart. You were scared of me...... but I'm glad that you didn't leave me, you decided to stay with me....under the same roof and that was enough. I won't ever give up on you on our love, I love you and I've faith on my love that one day you'll feel the same for me.....till then I'll wait, I'll wait baby".

He stood up from the floor, pressing his lips lightly to your forehead which lingered for awhile, "I Love You so much....". With that he tip-toed out of your room closing the door behind him.

Tears rolled from either side of your eyes onto your pillow, you were asleep but when you heard his voice. You woke up, sobbing to yourself. He sounded so broken. It's not that he didn't listen what role he played in your imagination, it already pained him but the fact that it was making you act accordingly to your imagination in front of him, was stinging his heart.

________

You squirmed under the the sheets as soon as the sunrays landed on your face, seeping through curtains, the blinding light making you squint your eyes still trying to sleep even when you were awake by then. Suddenly you no longer felt the warmth on your face, opening your eyes. You were met with the most pleasant sight ever, and you finally admitted it.

Jinyoung's head blocking the sunrays, locking eyes with his soft alluring ones, you couldn't help but stare at them quite for some time, how can you not look at him when he was staring at you with so much love and affection. You almost lost it when the corners of his mouth tugged upward into a dazzling smile reaching his eyes and you swore it was the first time you noticed him smiling that wide, his eyes crinkling.

"I didn't mean to wake you up" He chuckled nervously, standing up on his feet from the exact spot he was sitting the previous night, sitting up on the bed, you smiled, "It's okay. I was up anyways".

"I brought you breakfast, it's not much though. I woke up late as well, so it was the fastest that I could prepare", He stated, rubbing his nape in embarrassment. That's when your gaze landed on the small glass table in your room, a tray which had french toast and a glass of orange juice.

"You're still here?" You inquired since Jinyoung is barely home in the morning due to his early departure for the office.

"Today's Sunday".

Nodding a little, you got up from the bed standing right in front of him, "Did you eat?".

"Not yet—"

"I'll just go and freshen up, let's eat together", You beamed brightly at him, which for sure made his heartbeat escalate to the sky, "S—Sure", he stammered picking up the tray, leaving your room immediately.

The breakfast grew quite awkward which you both knew about, he informed you about him being free today so if you wanted to go somewhere or wanted to do something, you were yourself feeling very nervous, fidgeting with your finger you asked, "Can we just stay home?".

"Yeah, of course".

"So would you like to have a movie marathon or something?".

Jinyoung got scared suddenly as to why were you not in the mood for movies, as far as he has come to know the new you, you liked watching movies and playing video games on Sundays, then why were you acting so strange.

"If I did something wrong unintentionally then please forgive m—".

"Jinyoung, can we have a reading session?" You suggested, cutting in.

"Yes of course!" He agreed happily, "I have a whole lot of books to read, you can sit on the couch, and I'll sit there", He pointed at the bean bag at the corner of the living room.

You could see how his eyes glowed just by hearing the term 'Books', which also made you smile. Within a minute he was back with a bundle of books in his hand.

"I didn't know which one to pick so I brought all, you can pick any one", he said, extending his arms for you to choose a book from. Instead you grabbed the bundle from his hands.

"Not here, in our room", You chimed, running to your room. The feeling of your unstable heartbeat wasn't foreign at all, instead it felt home. Jinyoung on the other hand dumbfounded by your words. Did you just say what he thought he heard?

Jinyoung felt as if he was falling for you all over again, and that he was trying to approach you, living young love once again. He stood awkwardly waiting for you to command him further, you've been so quiet and simple around Jinyoung, always talking to him in monotone, that he didn't even dare to move a finger against your will. And now when you're finally being soft to him, yet he doesn't have any idea what to do.

You gently held his wrist dragging him to your bed making him sit, he watched you with those lost puppy eyes, "I know that you like to read while laying down on bed, with your head against the headboard, I've seen you reading in that room".

Reluctantly he positioned himself on the bed, his head against the headboard. You immediately placed a pillow on his back so that it won't kill his muscles. Motioning him to begin reading, you flipped through the pages of your book, sitting on the bed beside Jinyoung.

Two minutes into the reading and you could already see Jinyoung with his nose buried deep into the book, while you kept on stealing glances at him, for the first time you were paying so much attention to Jinyoung after waking up from coma, the way his soft black locks were parted revealing his milky forehead,to his perfectly shaped dark eyebrows, to his beautiful almond shaped eyes, to his long straight nose, to his soft plump pink lips.

Holding the book firmly in your hand, you climbed on the bed, taking advantage of Jinyoung's concentrated mind you gently laid your head on his thighs, a shy smile adorning your face as if it was the most normal thing to do. You stared at the words and sentences blankly written in the book, hoping for Jinyoung to say something.

Jinyoung flinched slightly feeling your head against his thighs, more than anything he was surprised to see you initiating the physical contact with him. Lowering his book, he glanced at you who was busy reading, or maybe pretending to be busy with reading.

"What are yo—you d—doing?" He croaked out, his throat drying, he knew how much you disliked to have any sort of physical contact with him. Finally getting a response from him, so the tables have turned now. He was being scared of you.

"What do you mean?" You teased him, with your head still on his thighs. "You—I mean.....it's—", he couldn't even form a proper sentence.

"I'm lying on my Jinyoung's thighs, you got a problem with that?"

Your response shocked the hell out of Jinyoung, his heart stopped for a moment, keeping his book aside, he fixed his gaze on your face which had a pretty grin.

"What did you just say?" He exhaled desperately.

"You are my Jinyoung" You remarked softly, your heart hammering against your chest cavity so loud that you could actually hear it. Swiftly crawling up his legs, you settled on his lap straddling his hips, "You're mine right?", You asked cupping his face in your hands staring deep into his hypnotic eyes.

"Only yours", He whispered both of your faces merely an inch apart, he was getting high just by inhaling your intoxicating smell, it was taking every single fibre in him to resist the urge to kiss you then and there.

"What are you doing?" He whispered, without breaking the eye contact, "Don't—". You shushed him putting your index finger on his lips, "I'll speak and you'll listen".

"I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.....it was just....I genuinely needed some time to put myself in place. But trust me, I never hated you, I was just being cautious. I'm sorry", You cried. Wiping your flowing tears from his thumb, he shook his head, "Don't apologize, I know how difficult it was for you".

"I shouldn't have distanced you from myself when all you did is love me and care for me without asking for anything in return, and not even once did you try to claim me. You selflessly kept me first when your own heart was in pain. Jinyoung.....I can't bring back the old me but I promise that with my new self I'll love you the way you love me, maybe more but nevertheless".

He was speechless at your confession, he never saw that coming from you atleast not like this or anytime soon. The position you both were in was already quite intimate and none of you wanted to let go of eachother. The shimmer of love heavily clouding both of your orbs, were enough to pull both of you to eachother, sending you both overdrive.

"So, Will you forgive me for putting you through all of this alone?", You asked your thumb caressing his cheeks ever so lightly.

Already drowning in your captivating essence, he nodded like a puppet.

"Will you forgive me for keeping you away from your love?".

Nod.

"Will you let me make things right between us?", Your fingers gliding from his cheeks to his jaw.

Nod.

"Will you let me love you all over again?", Your thumb caressing his bottom lip.

Jinyoung was thrown to some trance called you, the way you were straddling his hips with both of your chests pressed against eachother. Such unexpected loving confessions coming from you, in your sexy husky voice was driving him insane. His gaze switching between your inviting lips and your adorable eyes.

"Yes.."

Without any second thoughts, you pressed your lips against his soft ones into a small yet passionate kiss, just to seal your feelings for him, Jinyoung was too dumbfounded to comprehend while you pulled back.

"Did you— Did you just express......that you love..me?".

Pouting childishly, you stared at the wall pretending to be thinking, "Maybe....", Your taunting voice made him smile too.

"I'm sorry for making you wait so long but now, when we finally have eachother I don't want to stay away from you even for a second".

"That means I've full authority on you then?" Jinyoung teased back, with a grin slipping his hands behind your back pulling you closer to him. Your heart literally skipping thousand beats per second, "Yes your highness".

"I don't think that kiss was a real kiss", He smirked, putting your arms behind his neck, you encouraged, "Why don't you show me then?". And he didn't have to be told twice, he pushed you off his lap, pinning you on the bed with your hands on either side of you.

"Are you sure?", He breathed, slightly grazing his teeth over your ear, the sensation of him being so close to you made you blush in different shades of red, you faced the other side closing your eyes shut, "Where did my bold little angel go?".

Had it been earlier you would've cowered away, hearing 'Angel' from him. But the reality is where you will reside with your love, with your soulmate, with your Jinyoung.

"She's right before you, so will you kiss me or not" You provoked him with a sly grin. He chuckled heartily, attaching his lips to your plump ones again, both of your eyes closed. The kiss started slow but passionate, your hand flying to his nape bringing him closer to you if that could be possible, both of your love and emotions entirely poured into the kiss, none of you wanted to pull apart.

If there could be a proper definition of drugs then it would definitely be Jinyoung for you, you cursed yourself in your head for not doing this before, for not letting Jinyoung in sooner. His arms felt home and you were more than happy to be back in your home and God, you will never let anyone come in between you both ever.

Reluctantly pulling away from eachother for oxygen, you both inhaled heavily still staring at eachother affectionately. A fond smile appearing at both of yours lips, resting his forehead against yours, Jinyoung whispered, "I really missed you, I promise to look after you all of my life and not to do anything which will cause us to lose eachother. I love you angel, I love you so much".

"I Love You more Nyoungie", You smiled back, closing your eyes.

__________

"Lisa! Lisa! Here here!" BamBam and Youngjae shouted waving their hands at Lisa who looking here and there trying to locate the sources. Finally finding BamBam and Youngjae waving and yelling frantically, Lisa ran upto her boyfriend hugging him tightly. BamBam twirled Lisa around in his embrace kissing er head.

Youngjae made gagging noises, the same way BamBam did seeing couples showing PDA. Lisa grinned happily, greeting Youngjae.

"It took you so long! You said it would be three day thing and you're returning after a week!" BamBam whined.

"I had to attend the fashion event, the last minute. I couldn't back out" Lisa whined back convincing BamBam, "Leave all this how's unnie and Jinyoung, are they......".

"Yeps they are together finally! Noona accepted all of us and she can't wait to meet you, she didn't really get to meet you earlier".

You and Jinyoung along with other decided to call for a celebration, since you both have finally found way back to eachother plus Lisa was also coming back to Seoul today.

"The restaurant is quite impressive", You commented sitting beside Jinyoung who was cladded in a gorgeous Black Armani suit.

"Thanks to Mark hyung's friend, he owns this pretty restaurant", Jinyoung replied pecking your cheeks despite everyone eyeing you guys. The place was definitely expensive, one can tell just by looking at its interiors and fine lightings.

Lisa entered with BamBam along with her new friend which she met back in Australia who was surprisingly one of the youngest female CEO's of an IT company in Seoul. BamBam immediately rushed upto his friends hugging them one by one. Lisa glanced her friend whose gaze was focused on certain someone.

Nudging her friend's arms, Lisa warned quietly, "I hope you are not still crushing over him, Jinyoung is a taken man....Jisoo".

Facing Lisa with an innocent smile, Jisoo replied, "Of course not....", Thats when Lisa was summoned by BamBam, she motioned Jisoo to follow behind.

Watching Lisa walk to them, Jisoo smirked, crossing her arms to her chest, "I am not crushing over him Lisa.... because I love him".

"I am looking forward to know you personally, Park Jinyoung", her gaze fixed on Jinyoung who was whispering something into your ear making you giggle.

Part 15 // Part 16 (End) // ___________________________

(A/N: So I'm finally done with this FF, I hope you guys enjoyed it. See you next time. And thank you~~~) __________________________________

[theexistentiallyqueer]

It’s been a while, what with me being being more active on Twitter these days, but I had some thoughts churning around in my brain and this felt like a better place to post them rather than threading them over there.

This is a post about Persona 5 and restorative justice. Before I go any further, though, a note: this is meta about restorative justice and prison abolition as ethical philosophies only, how it can be expressed/structured in works of fiction, i.e., Persona 5 and Persona 5 Royal, and what the importance of doing so is.

I should also note that I am not a philosopher, a legal scholar, or an activist, I just like to read, and I strongly encourage you to look into the topics I’m discussing in this essay. If you want specific recommendations you can DM me; again, this being meta about a video game, I think linking those titles here would diminish their importance regarding what they’re actually about.

Ready? Okay. Let’s get started.

what is restorative justice?

‘Restorative justice’ is a concept in ethical and legal philosophy that holds itself in contrast to two other kinds of justice: punitive and carceral. Punitive justice is justice as punishment, i.e., an eye for an eye, while carceral justice involves justice as the confinement of criminal offenders. While both have heavy overlaps with one another, they’re distinct in the generality vs the specificity of their outcome: punitive justice can involve the death penalty, property seizure, permanent loss of rights, etc., carceral justice refers strictly just to the incarceration of criminal offenders in institutional facilities (jails, prisons, etc.).

Restorative justice, in contrast, roots itself in the understanding of closing a circle: the best and most holistic way to heal harm one person inflicts on another is to have the person who inflicted the harm make reparations to the person they hurt in a tangible and meaningful way. This can take many forms, and if you’re passingly familiar with restorative justice already, you may have heard about it involving the offender and the victim meeting face-to-face. This does happen sometimes. Personal acknowledgement of the harm you’ve inflicted on someone is important, and direct apologies are important, but these need to also be coupled with actions. The person behind a drunk hit-and-run of a parent could help put their orphaned child through school, or a domestic abuser could be made to take counseling and go on to help deter domestic violence in other households, and so on. 

The vast majority of states across the world use punitive/carceral models, though small-scale community trials of restorative justice have been attempted, to varying degrees of success. No one is going to argue that it would be easy to implement, but it is important. Restorative justice is about recognizing that crime, specifically crimes against other people, are fundamentally still about two people: the perpetrator and the victim. And we have to look beyond the words perpetrator and victim to recognize that they are both human beings and challenge ourselves to build a society where our concept of justice means healing hurts instead of retaliation.

It’s not easy, but it is possible. It requires changing your own perceptions of justice and humanity and society and the big wide entire world to have the kind of mindset that allows it to be possible. But it is possible, and I know that from personal experience, because it’s my own mindset and I’ve been through trauma too.

prison abolition and the god of control

Persona 5 has an authority problem. By which I mean, Persona 5 has a problem challenging authority in any way that functionally matters.

The game is drenched in heavy-handed prison imagery, from jail cells to wardens to striped jumpsuits to cuffs and chains to an electric chair. Throughout the long build-up of the main storyline we’re treated to a confectionery delight of punitive justice, stick-it-to-the-man justice: the Thieves find a bad guy who coincidentally has personally hurt or is actively hurting one of their members, and they take it upon themselves to make the bad guy miserable and then send him off to jail. By the end of the arc you’re meant to feel like you accomplished something heroic, that by locking someone up you’re balancing the scales of justice. In the Kamoshida arc Ann even frames this in restorative justice terms, telling him he doesn’t deserve the easy way out of ending his own life and needs to live with his mistakes and repent, but he’s still sent off to jail regardless and Ann and Shiho are left to struggle through the trauma he put them through without anyone to really support them. This repeats itself, over and over: Madarame, Kaneshiro, Okumura, Shido--expose the bad guy, bring him low, publicly shame him, and then send him away (or, in Okumura’s case, watch him die on live TV to riotous cheers from the public).

And what does this all accomplish, in the end? You get to the Depths of Mementos on Christmas Eve to find the souls of humanity locked away in apathy, surrendered willingly to the control of the state, and your targets right there with them, thanking you for helping them return to a place where they don’t have to think of other people as people any more than they did before. In prison, they can forget that they are human beings and that all of the rest of the people in the world are too. The Phantom Thieves march upstairs and defeat the Gnostic manifestation of social control, that being that masquerades itself with lies as the true Biblical god. And then you go back home and the adults tell you that everything is okay now, the system itself isn’t rotten, and you just have to sit back, stop actively participating in the world, and let them take the reins.

It’s one of Persona 5′s most ironic conceits. “Prison abolition....good?” the player asks, and Atlus swats you on the hand and says, “Silly kids, prison abolition completely unnecessary because you can trust the state to not fuck up anyone’s lives anymore ever.” All while using prison imagery to present prisons as institutions inherently divorced from what might constitute actual justice.

Prisons exist because hierarchies exist, and so long as hierarchies exist, inequality will exist and people will commit harm who otherwise likely would not. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too, Atlus. You can’t frame prisons as an inherently unjust institution used to control people because you didn’t do anything to get rid of the hierarchy. You just gave the hydra a few new heads.

restorative justice and rehabilitation

Rehabilitation is Persona 5′s favorite buzz word, and for all that it’s used the game never really clearly defines what it’s supposed to mean. Yaldabaoth uses it as a euphemism to describe the process by which he creates his ideal puppet, but Yaldabaoth bad, and by the end of the game, Yaldabaoth dead. We get barely any time with Igor after that for Igor to define rehabilitation properly on his terms, which is notable in that Igor is the one who’s supposed to be the spiritual mentor of the wild card within the Persona universe. 

We can only infer from that that it’s the player who’s meant to define what rehabilitation is by the end of the game, but because the game fails to take any concrete stance on its themes that could in any way undermine the idea that society isn’t functionally broken, it’s hard to figure out what conclusion we’re supposed to draw. As I stated above, the game immediately walks back any insinuations that it’s the institutions themselves that are rotten by having Sae and Sojiro step in and assume responsibility for making the world just by continuing to operate within the rules society itself has created. If you can’t beat them....join them?

If anything the closest we can get to coming up with a definitive understanding of what the game wants us to understand rehabilitation as is when the protagonist is in juvie. During those months we’re treated to an extended cutscene of all of your maxed out confidants taking action to get you out of jail, but because you can trigger this scene even if you haven’t maxed out all of your confidants, and because the outcome (getting out of juvie) is the same even if you haven’t maxed out any besides Sae, then we’re right back where we started.

But that cutscene still has a sliver of meaning to it despite it being largely window-dressing, because the game does push, over and over, the argument that it’s through your bonds with others, through building a community, that you’ll rehabilitate yourself and find true justice.

And that’s what restorative justice is about: community.

the truth: uncovering it vs deciding it

I can’t find enough words to convey how infuriating it is that Atlus comes so close to telling a restorative justice narrative and then completely drops the ball on displaying it at all in Goro’s character arc.

Goro’s concept of justice is fundamentally punitive, the textbook “you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you back.” In doing so he goes on to hurt a whole bunch of other people: orphaning Futaba, orphaning Haru, triggering a mental shutdown in Ohya’s partner Kayo, and also killing countless millions other instances of mental shutdowns, psychotic breakdowns, bribery, and scandal that caused people material harm and, in a handful of cases, killed them.

Yes, Shido gave him the gun, but Goro pulled the trigger. And in a restorative justice framework, you don’t bypass that fact: you actively interrogate it.

There’s been a lot of really great meta about what the circumstances of Goro’s life were like, including the Japanese foster care system, the social stigma of bastardy in Japan and the impact it has on an illegitimate child’s outcomes, and the ways in which Shido groomed and manipulated Goro into being the tool of violence he made him into. These things aren’t excuses for what Goro does, however: they’re explanations for it. They are the complex social issues that create a situation where a child feels his best choice, indeed maybe his only choice, is to take the gun being offered to him and use it on other people. If you want to prevent more kids from slipping through cracks into those kinds of situations, you need to understand the social ills that made those cracks appear in the first place and you need to fix them. Otherwise there will always be another kid, and another recruiter, and another bad choice, and another gun. Systemic problems require systemic solutions.

Even so, none of that bypasses the fact that it was Goro’s hand on that gun, that it was Goro who performed the physical action of killing Wakaba’s and Okumura’s shadows, and that, as a result of Goro’s direct actions, Wakaba and Okumura died. You can say Okumura deserved it all you like, but Haru doesn’t deserve to be an orphan. Haru deserved to repair her relationship with her father. Okumura deserved the chance to learn and make direct, material amends to the employees he hurt and the families of those who died on his watch, and they deserved to have him give them a better way to heal.

But this isn’t about the loss of Okumura making amends to his family or his victims: this is about Goro Akechi, and the fact that even in Royal his fraught relationship with Haru and Futaba is never explored, barely even addressed. There’s not even any personal, direct acknowledgement from him of the pain he put them through.

You can say he doesn’t care, and that’s fine that he doesn’t care. And it is. He’s a fictional character, this is a video game, they are anime characters.

But Persona 5 flirts with the idea of restorative justice and never fully explores it, and it’s a weaker game for that.

the thin place, the veil between worlds, the line in the sand

This is the last part, I promise, and I’ll be short and brief here, because the truth is that none of this matters, at least not in the way that you think. Persona 5 is a story. It’s a lie that we buy. It’s all zeroes and ones and electrical signals and optical images on a blank black screen.

But art can be powerful. Art is like magic, the deepest magic, the oldest kind. We human beings are creatures of art and poetry, of images and patterns, of music and words. Good art, really good art, can allow us to explore new ideas and critique our internal assumptions about how the world works.

No, fiction doesn’t affect reality, not the way that you think it does.

But if you’ve gotten this far, I just got you to read an essay on restorative justice and prison abolition in regards to a Japanese role-playing game, and that is something to think about.

How do you define rehabilitation? What kind of justice do you believe in? Is the way you conceive those things really the best way?

And how much more interesting could a story that challenges those concepts be?

[radiantresplendence]

Doctor Takuto Maruki Was Right

Maruki is the Councillor Arcana in Persona 5 Royal and is a fantastic character that the original game was sorely lacking. I’ll be talking some spoilers here. Be warned. 

We can talk about how Demiurge/Yaldabaoth/Yagor/Jägermeister (or whatever you want to call him) is straight trash and shouldn’t be the overarching antagonist of Persona 5 another time, but that’s not what’s important here. 

What’s important here is that Maruki wasn’t in the original game and that does a disservice to everyone who played it. 

For the vast majority of P5R, Maruki is just the high school counselor who was brought in to the school in the aftermath of the Kamoshida incident as a means of damage control. He’s kind, emphatic and insightful and genuinely wants to help anyone seeking his services. 

The Phantom Thieves, due to their involvement in the Kamoshida incident are mandated by the school to talk to him; as the game progresses, most of the team members form some sort of connection to him, save for Akechi and Futaba (I believe) as Akechi is only a Phantom Thief when his goals align with the team and Futaba isn’t a student. 

Even Yoshizawa and Yusuke interact with Maruki, as Yusuke goes out of his way to do so after hearing about him from the other thieves and he was Yoshizawa’s counselor after the death of her sister. 

Over the course of his confidant, Joker gives Maruki his perspective on some of Maruki’s research, which is later revealed to be Cognitive Psience. At the end of his confidant arc, Maruki reveals that he’s known that Joker’s group were the Phantom Thieves since he saw them exit the Cognitive world during the first heist. He says he supports the thieves and their justice but he has to go a separate way. He then exits the story until after the defeat of the God of Control.

If you finish Maruki’s Confidant Arc by the time that he leaves the school, Maruki completes a belated Cognitive Psience paper that he was working on with funding from a college in Toyko and winds up applying his theory when Mementos merges with the real world. 

In short, Maruki fully awakens to his persona with the special ability to rewrite cognition. When the cognitive world and the real world are merged, however this power becomes absurdly potent, and Maruki begins to warp reality in order to make a world where no one suffers. 

Maruki’s machinations affect all of the Phantom Thieves positively: Joker doesn’t go to prison because... Akechi is alive and confesses to his crimes in Joker’s stead. Akechi is let off the hook for his crimes. Morgana is a human. Ryuji was never injured and is still the star of the track team. Ann’s friend Shiho never attempted suicide. Yusuke was never exploited by Madarame, who instead acts as a passable father figure to him. Makoto and Sae’s dad was never assassinated. Futaba’s mother is alive and is presumably in some sort of relationship with Sojiro. Finally, Haru’s father wasn’t executed after his bossfight and he was never an exploitative egoist. 

There’s a lone exception to this: the girl who the game refused to let join the Phantom Thieves; a girl who had been receiving therapy from Dr. Maruki since before the start of the game due to her trauma from the death of her sister, Sumire Yoshizawa.

In a way, “Kasumi” was Maruki’s prototype for the world he wanted to create. She couldn’t process the guilt she felt for surviving the crash that killed her allegedly more talented sister and consequently wished that she was her late sibling. 

Now the world that Maruki creates is essentially a utopia, where no one suffers and crippling psychological harm is unable to befall anyone. Now we can consider the value of free will that Maruki is removing by becoming a new “God of Control”, but as a card carrying deterministic nihilist, I see it as more or less as trading the whims of an uncaring chaotic universe for those of a benevolent eccentric. The game frames this as a stagnation of humanity, something I don’t entirely agree with. Maruki understands that physical wounds (aka hardship) are inescapable (and can provide adversity to fuel growth) and his big theory revolves around altering cognition to inoculate against mental illness. Any issue with Maruki’s world revolves more around his personal flaws and lack of moderation than it does with his theoretical framework. Regardless, Maruki’s world is more ethical than what it replaces. 

In the third semester, if we ignore some of the alterations like reviving the dead as they’re more of a condition of the world than an effect of it, many people who would otherwise be sick or destitute are not, and the natural conclusion of Maruki gaining full control (as evidenced in the bad ending where you side with the doctor) is a world where no one is. Essentially, the Phantom Thieves in the third semester who fight against Maruki are condemning these people to poverty, despair and a miserable death. Ethically, for the sake of their own morality, the Phantom Thieves are the bad guys. 

Maruki’s motivations need to be examined closer. He is someone who has been largely unable to move past his own trauma (as evidenced by the entire third semester and foreshadowed in the scene where he runs into a college friend) so he has come to the conclusion that he should dedicate himself to moving others past theirs. I mean, mind-wiping your fiance of most of her life with you to cure her of her PTSD and having your life’s work stolen by Shido as you try to pick up the pieces would probably leave a guy feeling pretty empty. Essentially Maruki has resigned himself to his own sorrow after repeatedly being dealt a bad hand, so to speak. 

I think we can safely say that at the very least, Maruki has been emotionally displaced (if not worse) since the incident with Rumi and having his life's work defunded has led him to a place where his only real desire is the pursuit of a singular goal: obliterating sadness. Not his mind you, but everyone else's. 

Basically, Maruki is not well, emotionally or mentally, despite him being able to function as a productive member of society. Completing his contract with a cosmic entity and taking the throne of the god of control, enables him to pursue his goal far beyond what he was capable as a mere doctor with a special power. He infests the human subconscious to further his goal and relentlessly tightens his grip on the world. Despite having augmented physiology in the fused metaverse as a persona user, I feel that he's a mentally ill man who's burning the candle at both ends, so to speak. I think, if anything, fully awakening to Azathoth’s power exacerbated his preexisting mental state. 

To evidence my claim of Maruki’s declining illness, allow me to cite: putting a friend and confidant into a vegetative state because he couldn’t solve a moral dilemma in a month’s time, tentacling a teenage girl and brainwashing her because her dissent is a rejection of your life’s work, picking a fistfight with a high schooler while screaming about stuff unrelated to him, choosing to martyr yourself in resignation to your own suffering when you have the power to avert it. 

Imagine a world where Maruki became the new ruler of the Cognitive World, but acted in a more limited capacity that is more in line with his original research, than the extreme conclusion of it. Consider him acting more like the collective subconscious's guardian angel than the god of control, possibly with the blessing of the Phantom Thieves. I think that’s more what a sane Maruki would settle on, feeling responsible to use the powers he was granted by his contract with an outer god. 

With that out of the way, let’s discuss the way that Maruki implements his agenda.

While working at Shujin, Maruki isn't anything particularly special as a counselor, as it's neither something that he's particularly skilled at, nor is it something that he's passionate for. It's more or less a case of his job being something that he is qualified to do. 

We know that his real passion was cognitive psience research. In essence, he's a scientist over a health professional, even though the funding for his area of expertise was slashed to bits forcing him to take an alternate career path. Especially early on, the way he’d approach his job would certainly be influenced by his passion. To that end, I think you need to analyze his session with Yoshizawa from a research perspective. He rewrote her cognition to be that of her sister’s because he thought it would help her move on. His actions here were absolutely unethical, as he was experimenting on a minor without guardian consent or full disclosure of information, but initial results of his cognition rewrite were positive (especially in the short-term, despite Yoshizawa struggling more in the long term than she otherwise may have). 

"Kasumi" in a lot of ways is a proof of concept for the world he creates in the third semester, even if she isn't necessarily an optimally-functioning prototype. Now, I think Maruki was definitely acting as a bad counselor, and a "mad psientist", if you'll allow my pun, in the flashback. In the third semester however, there's no validity in examining him as a counselor, as he's not actively doing counseling. You can't even really examine him under the lens of ethical science, as he's essentially beyond morality. The man has the power to massively warp reality, raise the dead and alter memories. Essentially, his powers are such that only the end result of any action he takes really matters. If Maruki were to harm or kill someone, regardless of intent, he could make it never happen. So, only the ends of his actions can really be taken into account. 

The ends of his actions are, of course, to obliterate human misery, and he proved effective at this. The exceptions being Sumire Yoshizawa (albeit before the full implementation of his agenda) and himself (his palace is the Laboratory of Sorrow after all.) I guess what I'm getting at here is that, Maruki has to be judged as a god for all of his actions in the third semester, as that’s really the only lens applicable to his role there. 

With that in mind, the questionable actions that he takes in the third semester are basically just holding Akechi’s life hostage and forcing Yoshizawa to be Kasumi. He avoids physical altercation with the Phantom Thieves until they literally approach him with a mutual agreement of force. The Akechi situation is one that Maruki claims to be unintentional, and I do believe him. I think the awkwardness of that reveal is more due to Maruki’s social ineptitude and difficulty revealing that sensitive piece of information than it is anything nefarious. As for the Kasumi situation, Maruki has every ability to revive the real Kasumi and adjust Sumire’s life to become one more satisfying to her. In the end I think that that unfortunate situation has more to do with an ill man with unlimited power unable to distance Yoshizawa’s rejection of his initial gift as a personal sleight to everything he’s spent his life working towards. With his work being pretty much the only thing he’s currently attributed meaning to in his life his swift rejection of dissent makes a little more sense. 

This leads to something I consider mandatory, Yoshizawa needs to rebel against the fate Maruki assigned to her, or every member of the Phantom Thieves would be working against their and all of humanity’s best interests. 

I think no one would disagree with me when I say that his role in the third semester is that of a god antithetical to the themes of Persona 5, and thus narratively has to be deposed for a satisfying conclusion. Looking objectively at his grand plan however, even with his hiccups, I can’t really say he’s wrong, even if his implementation isn’t as clean as I (or even himself in a better frame of mind) would like.

[adeliaharris]

My Favorite Books...

1. Harper Lee "To kill a Mockingbird"

The story of a small sleepy town in the South of America told by a little girl. The story of her brother Jim, dill's friend and her father - the honest principled lawyer Atticus Finch one of the last and best representatives of the old "southern aristocracy". The story of the trial of a black guy accused of rape a white girl. But first of all it is the story of a turning era when xenophobia, racism, intolerance and bigotry inherent in the American South are warming to the past. The "wind of change" has just begun to blow over America. What will it bring?

- This is probably one of my favorite books.The book captured from the very first pages and did not let go for a long time after reading. You can say a lot of things but better read it.

2. Khaled Hosseini "The Kite Runner"

A heartfelt story of friendship and fidelity, betrayal and redemption, penetrating to the very core. Delicate, ironic and sentimental in a good way, Khaled Hosseini's novel resembles a painting that can be looked at endlessly set in pre-war Kabul in the 1970s. In this magical city shimmering with all shades of gold and azure two weather boys Amir and Hasan live. One belonged to the local aristocracy the other to a despised minority. One's father was handsome and important the other was lame and pathetic. Master and servant, prince and beggar, handsome and crippled. But there were no people in the world closer than these two boys. Soon the Kabul idyll will be replaced by formidable storms. And the boys, like two kites, will be picked up by this storm and scattered in different directions. Each has its own destiny its own tragedy but they like in childhood are tied by the strongest bonds. You run after the kite and the wind as you run after your destiny, trying to catch it. But she will catch you.

- Psychological novel on the theme of "crime and punishment". Deeply elaborated images, convincing children's characters, a remarkably built plot - everything speaks of a great master. For me it is "heavy" literature but it has the right to be because it calls things by their proper names. And most importantly there is light in the stories of Hosseini! The light of true human feelings.

3. F. Scott Fitzgerald "The Great Gatsby"

A jubilant, sparkling thirst for life, a desire for love, alluring and elusive, exciting pursuit of wealth - but now the dream breaks to the sound of jazz and the eternal holiday turns into a tragedy. "The Great Gatsby" is a novel about "how illusions are wasted which make the world so colorful that  having experienced this magic, a person becomes indifferent to the concept of true and false." F. S. Fitzgerald

- I read it and was not at all disappointed! Elegant presentation with high meaning - everything in this life is done for the sake of love. And no amount of money can replace the woman you love... And even if she is stupid, frivolous and idly living her life. I have great respect for Gatsby and contempt for Daisy. There are a lot of wonderful quotes, phrases in the book, it's worth thinking about. I didn’t expect to literally fall in love with this piece! In the future I will definitely re-read it more than once!

4. Daniel Keyes "Flowers for Algernon"

Forty years ago it was considered a fantasy. Forty years ago it read like fantasy. Exploring and expanding the boundaries of the genre eagerly absorbing all sorts of newest trends trying on a common human face bravely ignoring the Cain's stamp of the "genre ghetto". Now it is perceived as one of the most humane works of modern times as a novel of piercing psychological power, as a filigree development of the theme of love and responsibility. It is not for nothing that Keyes called his book of memoirs published in the 1990s "Algernon, Charlie and Me."

- The book is an emotion that will not make you think about something particularly difficult. All the thoughts that it generates are very simple and understandable. Without revelations, of course, but not bad either. The assessment will, rather, depend on the degree of personal sensitivity because the author often uses the concept of "naive hero-evil reality-collision-squeezing out sympathy" during the work.

5. Agatha Christie  "Murder on the Orient Express"

The great detective Hercule Poirot who was in Istanbul returns to England on the famous "Orient Express" in which it seems, representatives of all possible nationalities travel with him. One of the passengers an unpleasant American named Ratchett offers Poirot to become his bodyguard since he believes that he could be killed. The famous Belgian brushes off this absurd request. And the next day the American is found dead in his compartment with the doors closed and the window open. Poirot immediately takes up the investigation - and finds out that the compartment is full of all sorts of evidence pointing... to almost all the passengers of the Orient Express. In addition the train gets stuck in snow drifts in a deserted place. Poirot needs to find the killer before the express can continue on its way...

- I liked the book. Pretty easy to read. The plot is "confused" from the very beginning but Mr. Poirot is yet  a world-famous detective. It is better to read about all the twists and turns of the investigation on your own, "immersion" is guaranteed.

6. Stieg Larsson "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo"

Forty years of the mystery of the disappearance of a young relative haunts the aging industrial tycoon and now he makes the last attempt in his life - entrusts his search to journalist Mikael Blomkvist. He takes on a hopeless business more in order to distract himself from his own troubles but soon realizes: the problem is even more complicated than it seems at first glance.

What is the connection between a long-standing incident on the territory with the use of mobile devices which happened in different years in different parts of Sweden? What does the quotation from the Third Book of Moses have to do with it? And who, after all, attempted on the life of Michael himself when he came too close to the solution?

- The whole trilogy left a deep impression. Such books appear very rarely. Out-of-the-box characters, amazing Sweden, dark atmosphere. I advise absolutely everyone!

7. Ray Bradbury "Fahrenheit 451"

Perhaps the best of Bradbury's writings. The story "Fahrenheit 451" depicts a dystopian society of the future but in fact - "our reality, reduced to absurdity." Bradbury invented a state where reading and keeping books is prohibited. For the sake of political correctness and general peace of mind the general level of spiritual and intellectual demands of citizens is artificially lowered. But there are rebels and fugitives.

This is one of Bradbury's rare sci-fi works. Very exciting touching and at the same time very lively and dynamic. With a relatively simple plot, it is full of allusions including biblical texts and complex symbolism.

- This is just a great book! I advise everyone to read it! Despite the fact that the author wrote it in 1953 this does not feel at all. A very interesting and poignant plot for our time.

8. Victor Hugo "Les Miserables"

All the works of the great French poet, novelist and playwright Victor Marie Hugo (1802-1885) are covered with a halo of romanticism. The idea of ​​life-giving love, mercy, the triumph of good over evil - this is the core of his novel "Les Miserables". Among the "outcasts" are Jean Valjean sentenced to 20 years for stealing bread for his starving family and the little dirty Cosette who turned into a charming girl and a child of the Parisian streets of Gavroche...

- Brilliant work! So thoughtful, so overwhelming and so humane. The inimitable Hugo put all his philanthropy into this magnificent novel!

9. Stephen King "The Green Mile"

Stephen King invites readers to the eerie world of the death row where they leave in order not to return, opens the door of the last refuge of those who have transgressed not only human but also God's law. There is no more deadly place on this side of the electric chair! Nothing you've read before beats Stephen King's most audacious horror experience - a story that begins on Death Road and goes deep into the deepest secrets of the human soul...

- I have been familiar with the work of S. King for a long time and have read more than a dozen of his books. The work "The Green Mile" is a story that will not let you go for a long time. She leaves a residue in her soul - mixed feelings and indescribable impressions from the story itself, unique and ingenious.

10. Gregory David Roberts "Shantaram"

This art-refracted confession of a man who managed to get out of the abyss and survive, has sold four million copies around the world and has earned rave comparisons with the works of the best writers of the modern era from Melville to Hemingway. Like the author the hero of this novel has been hiding from the law for many years. Deprived of parental rights after a divorce from his wife, he became addicted to drugs, committed a number of robberies and was sentenced by an Australian court to nineteen years in prison. Having escaped from a maximum security prison in his second year, he reached Bombay where he was a counterfeiter and smuggler, traded arms and participated in the showdown of the Indian mafia and also found his true love, to lose it again, to find it again...

- It is very difficult to somehow categorically evaluate this novel. There are many advantages here: a fascinating story of the wanderings of the protagonist in the world of a harsh exotic country. Together with him, the reader develops, absorbs the alien culture and energy of other people, people of another world to which we are not used to. However there is something ridiculous about this.  At times it seems that we are watching real Indian cinema - the brainchild of Bollywood naive and merciless. In general I liked the novel, it is interesting, bright, impetuous. During the period of reading this great story, I have never been bored. Despite some controversial points - I advise!

[moondeerdotblog]

On Dragons

A brief note for short attention spans: stick around if you wanna see how I manage to seamlessly (and I do say so myself) tie together dragon mythology, weaving, and politics into one giant point about worldview diversity and problem solving efficacy (even got a Trumpian meme for y’all towards the bottom if that is more your bag).

I have always been fascinated by the common thread stretched about humanity that links up our narratives. The similitude with which humanity engineers itself by independent means.

Take dragons for example. Damn near everyone thought up dragons.

They thought ‘em up in Egypt, where Apep was the very embodiment of chaos.

Egypt also thought up my personal favorite, Ouroboros, who was a manifestation of the snake god Mehen.

They thought ‘em up in Mother Russia where it would appear three really is a magic number. One would assume their mastery of weather and water source got ‘em the gig at the bow of this Russian Viking ship.

This handsome three-headed fella, who goes by Zmey Gorynych, is from Russian folklore. He liked taking human form and seducing him some laadiees.

In Greece, dragons were hurling up namesakes. Here we see a depiction of Athena watching as the Colchian dragon, guardian of the Golden Fleece, disgorges Jason.

Greek dragons were also being raised solely for the purpose of slaying Heracles (pictured here failing miserably is the Lernaean Hydra).

The Greeks also liked stickin‘ ‘em in mosaics, as with this depiction of a sea dragon or cetus.

In China, where dragons were thought to bring good luck to those worthy of such fortune, you’ll find them carved into walls. I mean … be kinda awkward not to find dragons at Nine-Dragon Wall … am I right?

The last imperial dynasty of China, the Qing dynasty, chose to stick one of the dragon gods, the Azure Dragon, on their flag.

It wouldn’t be long before the Chinese dragon would make its way to Japan, as evidenced by this Hokusai painting,

as well as to Korea, as evidenced by the murals found at the Goguryeo tombs.

The first known portrayal of a fully modern, western dragon may be found within a medieval manuscript.

Native Americans painted dragons on bluffs. This fearsome piasa bird craved human flesh.

So what is the point of my little dragons of the world presentation? I believe it worth considering the discrepancies and commonalities amongst such cultural invention.

Let us begin with commonalities. The nearest I can tell, the single common thread among these narratives defines a dragon as a serpentine, legendary creature. Let me paint my point metaphorically.

We often speak of storytellers as though they were spinning yarn. It would not, then, be much of a stretch to reimagine them as weavers, and their creations as tapestries such as the two below.

We might think of the universally common as the warp threads running through these tapestries. Something structural. Not the good stuff.

What they all saw the same way isn’t really the interesting bit, is it? Seems to me the good stuff is what each culture thought of a little bit differently, the weft threads of the tapestries.

That which makes the Chinese dragon on the right something entirely different than the Celtic dragon on the left. Different … but no less beautiful … and the world is richer having known them both. Having known them both, what might one weave next?

Consider, then, what invention becomes possible with all things considered.

What might I be able to learn from someone with whom I share nothing but warp threads (were we each provided our very own babel fish … obviously).

What might he learn from me? After we have finished feeding our fish and gone our separate ways, how might we be affected? What ingenuity might we have unlocked for future endeavors?

Not enough? Not yet convinced of the beneficiality of discrepant embrace? Another example, then.

What must this untouched Amazonian tribe have thought possible that they hadn’t only moments earlier?

I don’t want y’all thinkin’ I only value discrepancy. We value the shared human experience, that which binds us as a species … the things about our lives, about the human condition, one finds to be as true beneath the canopy as they are in my backyard.

Without such warp threads we might find those outside the purview of our particular worldview entirely un-relatable. We might consider children one such thread. Entirely relatable.

What I find to be most valuable, however, are those weft threads … the good stuff. The stuff that tells us not who we are, but who we might be … who we might become. It is the unique that drives us to want to try out something new … that has us saying, “huh, I never thought to do that,” or “I haven’t thought of it that way before.”

It is the unique that allows us to glance up at the sky and say to ourselves, “I never knew that was possible.”

Thinking about folklore and mythology in this way got me thinking about world-views, and the current political climate in our country.

When Trump was first impeached, I became deeply invested in the plight of our nation. If I was awake, the television was tuned to MSNBC and I was absorbing all of it. The reality rejectionist platform pushed by the GOP, the militia grooming, the election theft, the fascist coup, etc., etc. You all know the story.

The things is, I was getting there weeks, if not months, before anyone I was seeing on my television (or Twitter for that matter). I began wondering why. I mean … me … a guy with a political knowledge gap the size of those Texan power bills.

Then there seemed to come a moment at which point everyone caught up. Biden was declared victorious.

I was caught up in the jubilation

and felt as though, perhaps, the whole divergency irritant had been flushed.

It hadn’t been. Coinciding with the beginning of Trump’s second impeachment trial, even more so than before, my read diverged from any other I could find. Maximum dissidence was reached immediately following the Senate’s vote to acquit, when Mitch stepped up to the podium and began speaking.

Wait … wait … that wasn’t Mitch.

Okay, that’s Mitch. So Mitch got up there and did precisely what I feared he might … he pivoted away from a doomed reality rejectionist platform. My surprise was in how everyone else responded. I have yet to find anyone anywhere not surprised by Mitch that day.

“So what, then, is your point?” you ask. “It seems as though that vuvuzela isn’t all you’ve been blowing,” you say (in a rather accusatory tone I might add). Here is my point with regard to my power to prognosticate.

I have grown convinced that I have uncovered the force at play here. It is precisely that political knowledge gap which has turned me amateur prognosticator. Without the knowledge of political norms and precedents pressing into my mental map of possibility, my imagination would not be limited to what has come before. My expectations were unflappable when met with a world that no longer made sense, while so many clung to a pre-Trumpian set of expectations. They, consciously or subconsciously (mind is tricky that way), feared the unrecognizable now.

I want to return, briefly, to that Amazonian tribe, staring up at that plane. No doubt you had a similar reaction to my own upon seeing that image, postulating what magic they must invent to explain that which they have seen.

I want you to consider something that perhaps you wouldn’t have thought to consider. Let’s reimagine magic. What if Trump were piloting that plane? (Nailed it, right?)

Of course the plane crashes. It was held aloft by norms and precedents. Say everyone survives the crash. Which group, the planites or the tribe, now possesses the most accurate view of what surrounds them?

Politically, societally, pick-your-ly … who among us has the most accurate view of what surrounds us today?

Well … I mean … you’re not wrong. We have a hell-of-a-lotta problems (and thanks for participating, couldn’t pull this off without ya) … problems requiring masterful weavers work together in fabricating solutions.

Let us, then, consider carefully whom we shall invite to sit down at our table … with which unique perspectives we shall be outfitted.

What might discrepant world-views or experience engender as we begin weaving? What might we see in the weft threads of our tapestry that we never knew was possible?

[thepatricktreestump]

pride month asks!

some questions and answers about my experience with LGBTQ+

1.       What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? 

I identify as bisexual and genderfluid, so my pronouns regularly change from she/her to he/him.

2.      How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

I have always been a huge ally to the LGBTQ+ community, but one day I was stepping out of the shower, and kind of thinking to myself what the difference between having sex with a guy and having sex with a girl was. After contemplation, I thought to myself that they really weren’t all that different to me, and I’d probably enjoy having sex with a girl just as much as having sex with a guy. I researched online a little bit, and I figured out that yeah, I’m probably bi. Especially after I fell in love with both Brendon Urie and his wife Sarah, I was pretty damn sure I was bi.

3.      Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Sometimes I do, but it honestly doesn’t bother me too much because I come from a very conservative, religious, small town background. I grew up in a private Catholic school where everyone is Republican and nobody even knows what being gay is, much less a different gender. So I’m kind of used to putting up a façade for others. As I graduated and moved away from my hometown, things have been much better, and by politely correcting others, I’m able to be confident in who I am as well as educate the people around me.

4.      Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

Oh god, haha. I distinctly remember that night when I knew I was going to tell my best friend I was genderfluid. I was so nervous and scared, I just sort of blurted it out over text, in all caps, like “I’M GENDERFLUID” and then I kind of panicked, so I proceeded to send her about a hundred Hamilton gifs to cover up what I had typed out and sent. Although it was awkward in the moment, we both laugh about it to this day, and she’s been so accepting and kind to me ever since that moment.

5.      Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

For my friends, it was a lot of anxiety and doubt. For my parents, fear and chaos. My friends didn’t understand, they thought it was a disease of some sort, and actually a lot of them stopped talking to me. Again, conservative religious background, but still, no excuse. I grew up in a very abusive household, and it wasn’t my choice to come out. My therapist had forced me to tell my parents in a session and it was an absolute mess. Coming out wasn’t the best experience, especially as a freshman in high school.

6.      If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

I kind of explained above, but basically not so well. My dad went absolutely off on me, and said some of the most horrible things I have ever been told in my life. He said that I was dragging everyone I knew towards hell, that what I was is unmoral, unnatural, and unnormal, acted like I was some sort of monster, said it was extremely difficult to even be related to me, and that I was corrupting his family and disrespecting his household. It was a miserable time for me, but through music, I was able to write a song about it that helped me cope.

7.      What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

A lot of people assume that because I’m bisexual, I’m some sort of fetish they can use to fulfill their dirty fantasies. I’m always asked to be a part of a couple’s threesome. I am told that the only reason I’m bi is because I want double the opportunities to have sex. It’s ridiculous and disgusting. I’m bi because I like people. Not because I like sex.

8.     Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I really fucking love beanies! Most of the time I read that’s the essential clothing item for all genderfluid people, which makes me laugh, because it’s true. Combat boots or converse, black jeans, a band t-shirt, a sports bra or binder, a jean jacket, and a beanie is always my go-to outfit. So much so, to the point my sister told me that every time I go out in public I’m always wearing the same thing, which kind of makes me laugh.

9.      Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I don’t know if you’ve ever read the magna, Tamen de Gushi, but I absolutely love it! That lesbian couple is everything! I also really love Shane Dawson and Ryland Adams, of course. Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine Nine and his husband is amazing. Elijah Daniels and Sam also make me super fucking happy.

10.  What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

Growing up as a theater kid, I’ve always seen makeup as accentuated and over the top. I only ever wore makeup on stage, and even then, it was special effects type stuff, zombies and clowns and shit. Once I hit puberty though, my mom would force me to wear makeup because she said it would make me beautiful. I hated it. She would force me to put on makeup before I left the door and it made me have horrible self image issues. As I grew older, I found a love for makeup through beauty gurus and drag queens, and I sometimes dabble in it either for fun or for special events like prom or fancy dinners. I always prefer no makeup though, I feel like to me, wearing it is just hiding behind a mask.

11.   Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

ALL THE GODDAMN FUCKING TIME. Since I’ve gotten my haircut, a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Wearing a binder also helps so much! However, I still really want to start T and I think that will help a lot. Dysphoria affects me in so many ways, whether my self confidence or my body image, my anxiety and my mood, etc., a lot of it depends on how comfortable I am in my own skin.

12.  What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Homophobic people are probably the stupidest people I’ve ever met in my life, to be honest. I’ve heard thousands of dumb things come from their mouths. I think the most outrageous myth I’ve heard is probably that being gay is a disease, and that simply being around another gay person will make you gay. Like who the fuck comes up with this shit? Smh.

13.  What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

How creative we are. We’re resilient and outspoken and passionate, but most of all, so talented. The queer community is full of inventors, politicians, emperors, artists, directors, actors, musicians, and more. It’s gorgeous just how much we are capable of.

14.  What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

The discrimination breaks my heart. The fact that we are terrified to so much as hold hands with the one we love in public. To be beaten, tortured, and killed simply for who we are. That is what hurts me the most.

15.  Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

No, I find it sort of ironic every time there is a pride event I happen to have a concert on that day. Once, a Panic! concert, which honestly is sort of the equivalent of Pride. We went and there were so many LGTBQ+ flags and people and it was so gorgeous. I have attended pride prom once though, and it was probably the most fun I had ever had in a really long time.

16.  Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I absolutely adore Miles McKenna. He has helped me so much in finding myself and accepting who I am. He’s such a huge spokesperson for the community and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

17.   Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

I’ve been in several relationships, surprisingly, through parties and discussions and friends. My s.o. right now I met through high school, which was crazy in itself, but we’ve been dating for almost two years now and I love them to death.

18.  What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

Beautiful Music for Ugly Children is one of my favorite books ever and it’s about being FTM trans and I love it so much wow.

19.  Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

So very much. After coming out to one of my best friends, she stared at me, disgusted and went “well don’t try to have sex with me or anything” and then proceeded to never talk to me again. I’ve received dirty looks and glares, been misgendered on purpose, and even received death threats. It’s horrible.

20. Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

I love American Horror Story so much because of just how much representation it gives our community and how natural they make it seem! And of course, “Love, Simon” was an amazing movie that made me cry like a baby.

21.  Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

I don’t really know about bloggers, but definitely Youtubers! Shane Dawson, Miles Chronicles, Thomas Sanders, Ally Hills, Anthony Amorim, Elijah Daniels, Elle Mills, Garrett Watts, Sam Collins, Todrick Hall, and Trevor Moran are a couple of my favorites.

22. Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I don’t think queer should be a slur. I think queer is a form of self expression and an umbrella term for the community, and I believe many other LGBTQ+ members agree. It’s a word that we take great pride in rather than shame or discrimination.

23. Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but god I would love to.

24. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

For me, it’s simply just a part of who I am. Just like the weather, my gender simply changes and I adapt to it. It makes me comfortable in my own skin and proud of who I am. I wouldn’t change being genderfluid for the world.

25. Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I fucking hate the idea of pushing a human being out of my vagina, and I would probably want anything else in the entire world other than giving birth. Being pregnant for nine months sounds absolutely miserable and dysphoric, and I cannot even imagine going through labor. However, I would like to have kids, just simply through foster care or adoption, never like my own biological children. There are more than enough kids who need good homes who already exist and I’m more than happy to give it to them.

26. What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You aren’t alone and there are so many people just like you. Your parents do not own you and cannot tell you who you are supposed to be. You are you.

27.  What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

Gender roles are complete bullshit. Let a guy be a stay at home dad. Let a woman be the working one. Everyone should have responsibilities regardless of their gender. If there’s dirty dishes, do the fucking dishes, don’t wait for your spouse to get home to do them. It’s absolutely ridiculous, really. Just do your part in the relationship.

28. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

It breaks my heart how much pain and suffering one has to go through just to be themselves, especially for women and trans people. It’s horrible.

29. What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

It’s natural! It’s comfortable! And it’s normal! Being oneself is just part of life, there’s no need to have shame or guilt about it. Respect someone the way you wish you would be accepted and loved.

30. Why are proud to be lgbt+?

We have worked so fucking hard to be recognized for who we are. There’s still so much we need to do though, and we aren’t ever going to stop until every single one of our siblings gain the love and respect they deserve.

[abripikuunah]

Tomorrow In The Firework’s Edge (Part 1/?)

Authors: Abripikuuhnah and Matthew’s Poems 

Ratings: R-17 (Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, Future smut, Foul Language, Hints of Abuse.)

Words: 12,095

Notes: I want to give a huge shout out to my big brother, Kuya Mat, for helping me to edit, add scenes, and flesh out chapter even more to write this fic into reality . And to @xkanekitoukax​ , thank you for reading the story and criticizing it to help me improve the chapter and see which scenes I should draw (but not now I’m so sorry ToT) ! This fic won’t exist without out you guys!

My apologize to those people who waited for this fic.  In all honesty, this was supposed to be posted a month ago but due to my computer and environmental problems which I will explain in a later post, this fic was supposed to have a neatly as much a professional illustrations alongside with it,so it have to be postponed. Unfortunately, I hate to say it but I can’t finish these illustrations and currently can’t show them to you right now. I will explain the problem here (x)

But never worries, if I finally finish the scenes, I’ll post them here too, so check out for that!

I’m very sorry though, I don’t want people to keep waiting,and I have to post this so I could move on and proceed to the next chapter. 

If you liked this fic, Please reblog , comment and send me your reactions! It will truly help us motivated and be determined to create more polished chapter’s and fics in the future.

Hope you enjoy!

Ken Kaneki squinted his eyes and realized that it's already morning. He raised his wrist, looking at his watch just to find out that two more hours away until he reaches his destination. He yawns quietly and stretches his arms out a little bit, being mindful to the sleeping person beside him. His eyes peered through the window and looked at the view that has presented before his eyes. Just before the dreamless sleep, was the industrious city of Tokyo, now being replaced by the picturesque sight of the fields.  He could see grains, leaves and flowers that has been wrapped in thick snow of late December . A dark hue of blue with a light tint of red that has painted the colors of the sky helped him to be put into ease. Taking out his favorite book, he took out  his bookmarks and begins to read picking up where he left off. Morning dew has come... Warmth of his jacket. The smooth movements of the bus, soothing his mind in relaxing state, hearing the soft noise of the AC unit keeping down the passengers in a quiet slumber while dawn started to rise. A book in his hand where words convey a tragic story into life. Ah. A breather. Peace... A peace where he's free from all the horrible events is all he ever wanted, and he got it. It something that felt like surreal, like a fantasy, like a star that is a billion miles away from his grasp . Something that he imagined that is very imperceptible to occur in his life. An event he will always exaggerate about. But look at him now, he's sitting in a bus, wordlessly waiting for the vehicle to reach the town of Osaka. However, he noticed something when he can't concentrate on his book, statics darkens in his eyes, his mind into something else palpable . Of course... That thought will always stay as a dream. The word 'Peace' is just an obscenity to this pathetic world of his. In his world, his story flashes before his eyes .A furious mother, an uncompassionate Aunt, his best friend who is now in the hospital bed all because of his uselessness ,powerless , selfishness . A sea of blood and grief that was caused by no one else but himself. Brutal waves full of lugubrious screams forcefully drowning him into the depths of insanity. He was reminded that he will never have peace. His mind starts tormenting him with awful words again and again. He can't escape, he knows that very well. No matter how much he ran, or when his limbs are free from the shackles, his heart and soul wasn't ; Both are glued in guilt and depression. The pace of his breathing becomes quicker and quicker. He forcefully clamped both of his eyelids, trying to get himself together. 'It'll be over soon' a whisper reminded him. It'll be over soon. Soon... His mind repeats over and over again, reminding himself . And that 'Soon' will be tonight, where tonight will be the last night of his life. The last night he will witness this brutal world mocking him, and he'll take a leap to take himself and these demons disappear in the void with him . It'll be all over. How laughable. Pathetic is the best way to describe his whole being, his whole damn life . Just like the weather outside, despite the sunrise warming up the sky , everything in the ground, where dirt and garbages are left, the place where he belong is... So cold and so lonely. Leaning towards the window, Kaneki closes his eyes once more, resting his book atop of his lap and hopes to god he would never wake up and instead be drowned to death right now.

Unfortunately, the smell of coffee beans kicks him out of his stupor.

After he arrived at the bus station, Kaneki heard his stomach grumbling, telling him that it's time for breakfast. He doesn't really have a big appetite ,all he wanted to have was a warm cup of coffee and a light meal. Still, the overnight trip from the bus is enough to make him hungry. So he walks, exercising by strolling a bit in the streets of Osaka.

After a few minutes of walking through closed shops , he stops.

His nose picked up an aromatic smell of coffee . The strong daring scent lures him. His legs follows the fragrance like a compass until he found himself standing right infront of the cafe named 'Antieku'.

His eyes peers through the window finding a large amount of people inside, almost occupying the whole cafe. Well that's no surprise. Today is December 30, probably the last day where stores opens for the year. Most restaurants should be closed now; so having to eat in an aromatic cafe for breakfast doesn't sound inappreciable. Antique cups and platters are exhibited on top of the glass display.  Vintage books are tucked through the shelves where customers are allowed to borrow a book whenever they wished. Waiters and waitresses scrambled all over the place, serving each of their patrons with politeness.

Rudely his stomach grumbles again , insisting himself to just go enter in, which he did.

As he was inside the cafe, a waiter greeted him but was too busy to usher him.  So he looked around and thanked himself mentally for having the advantage of being a lone wolf. Right besides the window, he found a small table that's available for two persons where he can watch the busy roads outside the cafe. The spot is adequately nice , which he really liked.

After settling down and a waitress gave him quickly a menu, he fixed his gaze to the given glass next to him, presenting him a lively world,yet it lets him imagine the city without him. Ruthlessly, his thoughts starts digging deeper and deeper.

He saw children running around, only for Kaneki chuckles at the sight, glad that they're free and joyful unlike his pitiful childhood. Grown up folks are scattered around the town, readying themselves for the whole day, he got a bit envious at that thought, because here he is, sitting like a sore loser he was.

But that doesn't matter...

Kids are going to school, being free spirits like nothing's changed. Adults kept working 24/7, thrusting themselves in the world of society like nothing's changed. People just living, doing their daily life like nothing's changed. It's not like they care anyway. Even if he died, nothing will make a difference to any of these individuals fate.

Taking a deep breath , he shifted his sights at the cafe to revise his gloomy cogitation.

Other than the room being crowded, he understands why this place must be popular. From the smell of grinded coffee arouses him, a warm and welcoming ambiance greets every customers. To each aesthetic this place has picked to displayed more friendly atmosphere to ventilate the mood, to how each waiters and waitresses treated their customers with their warm smiles. Overall, in his account, this cafe is such a great place already . And something else where he can't lay a finger on. But of course, it doesn't matter.

Then the irritatingly loud growl was heard again , reminding him to get some food already . He picked up a menu to select his desired dish. After he ate pancakes for breakfast, Kaneki took out a novel and begins to read the book he's currently reading again, Phantasm of Death.  A story about a delusional protagonist where he is trapped inside of a dangerous island, where beings and creatures existed. A story where it experiments human physiology about their questionable desires , like the protagonist where he desires death yet also fears death. Drawn to the confusion between living and dying. It makes him deeply invested to the story. Just when he opened the book and located the page where he left off, he took out two thick papers he tucked between the pages he have left off. To some people, it looks like it just a piece of bookmarks that will eventually be thrown away.  But for Ken Kaneki, it's a whole other story. Somehow, seeing these ornaments make him feel resentful instead. Growing agitated while these these cruel thoughts worsened , his eyes profusely scanned the paragraphs that's been written in the book, forcefully trying to distract himself once more. The last thing he wanted was having a breakdown inside the cafe. He's almost done with this book anyway. Ten or more so chapters and it will be all complete.If he finishes it, there will be no distractions anymore , making the pain to come back , mocking him with a lot of miserable memories and sullen insinuations again. He knows that he doesn't have the willpower to withstand it. So ending his life once and for all is the solution he has to finish all the pain he's shouldering.   "Sir..." A voice surprises him despite it's gentle tone. "Excuse me, young man ."the voice asked gently again  ,Kaneki noticed a palm being offered in front of him. Still a bit startled, he looked up , learning the owner's voice is an old waiter. The waiter gave him a genuine reassuring smile."Would you like seconds sir?"  he continued, referring to the coffee. Understanding, Kaneki gave a quick nod, "Oh, please." The old man took Ken's cup before he refills it. When his beverage is served , all his coils vanished temporarily as he took the cup to his face and whiff on the aromatic fragrance , letting the steam tickle his skin. Kaneki thinks this is one of the best coffee he has tasted. To him coffee is just coffee and nothing more, but this cafe has given such a special blend to serve. The drink alone helps him put on ease .He doesn't mind spending his savings for the coffee, he would die and his money will just go to waste. So having a quality cup before death isn't a thought that bugged him at all. After a few more refills, the old man gave out a pleasant chuckled "You sure seem to like our coffee.You're new here sir?" "Oh yes, I just came here to visit" he simply answered, "and the coffee here is the best. I really loved it." he says, impetuously draws out a grin , rewarded with another kind smile "Well that's nice to hear. We're glad you enjoyed it." He places the cup back to the platter and goes to assist other customers. Several minutes has passed , Kaneki was about to reach the conclusion of the novel. He decided to stop there and saved it for later. His eyes cast at the wall clock and saw that it's almost noon. He requested for his bill and was bewildered that he only has to pay for the pancakes he ordered. He took his belongings and went up to the cashier ,telling them about the missing item in his receipt. "You don't have to worry about that young man." A familiar voice called. It was the same old waiter who have served him coffee,"On the house.". "Um.. Are you sure sir?" He blinks, " I asked for too many refills." He uttered awkwardly . "You really don't have to worry about it." he repeats ,"As the manager of the cafe, it's my pleasure to greet newcomers with our proud home blend coffee for free." He insisted. Well it will be rude the more he resisted. Nodding at the kind manager, he pays his food and went at the front door with the old man ushering him. "Please come again soon." The manager bids, opening the door for his patron. Unconsciously, Ken puts his index finger at his chin "I-I will." Then leaves the place. As he went out off the front door, someone noticed his presence , and with wide eyes followed his fading figure through the window. Voice came out as soft like a prayer. She whispered the name of someone she has wanted to see for a long time- "Kaneki...?" --------------------------------------------------------- First he went to a bathhouse to clean himself up. When the hot water touches his cold skin, his tense muscles starts to relax a little . He gives himself a moment to deliberate about what he would do next in the journey . Of course other than proceeding with his 'dying-in-style' plan here, he also wants to grant a promise that he and his best friend made when they were still little kids. Unintentionally, he recollected a past memory. It was a class trip in Hakodate while he was still in 6th grade. If he remembered correctly, he wasn't supposed to come along but Hide forced him and asked his mother.

"Ow!" The timid boy yelped in pain as he was being tackled by his friend in the sandbox on a breezy Saturday noon. "Ken Kaneki where the hell have you been!" His best friend, Hideyoshi Nagachika or Hide by what you call him, nudged the poor boy in front of him, while Kaneki ,gently rubbed his own stomach to soothe the pain , "I've been worried sick! You're rarely late or absent to class .I even went to your place and nobody is answering and-" he noticed the bandages in his arm. Hide pointed "Dude, just what the heck and where did you get this ?" He looks at him with concern. What happened yesterday? "I-I fell" he answer reassuringly , trying to mask the grief impression he almost attempted to display with his tone. He instinctively hides his arms from Hide's vision, yet failed miserably . He catches Hide's eyes that were observing his bruised limbs are disquieted with doubt.

"That's it?" He says in disbelief . Urgently, Kaneki moved his lips "The bruises are bad, I can't move a leg so... that's why I was taken to a nearby clinic haha." He answers him spontaneously by lying . Always lying , doing the usual routine he's bound to do. Just when can he stop hiding things from him? But just as he frequently used to fib at him, Hide never pushed on the subject, he just analyze his face and the bandages like a tricky quiz and move on, "Okay if that's what you say..." He took a toy shovel and starts digging in the sand, "Let me help you with what your building. " he said before giving a small toothy grin, much to Kaneki's relief. While they've continue establishing the sand castle with their hands , Kaneki decided to ask another topic, "S-so how was class yesterday?" He stutters. His friend blinks, and has stopped moving. The moment Kaneki asked that question seems to have triggered something in Hide's gears,"Dude..." his voice deepens. Kaneki stiffened . Did something bad happen yester- "We're going to have a trip in Hakodate!" Hide squeals , eyes shimmering. 'Oh.' Kaneki thinks, depleting his worries , 'So a school field trip then...' "That's nice..." he simply responded ,shifting Hide's bright expression into puzzled face . His wide eyes gazed at him like he killed his dog or something. Yet Kaneki chose to ignore him and keep doing his work. "'That's nice...'?" "Yeeah?" "Dude are you kidding me?! A trip to Hakodate will be would be super dope as hell! " he grabs Kaneki's shoulder, accidentally stepping on the castle they're currently working on ,making the boy protest about his now ruined creation until Hide decided to disrupt before his friend complain . "We could go up the trees , try out some food, sneak away during lights out, see the view above the mountain- That isn't 'Nice'." Hide scoffed ,then a light bulb appeared in his brain. "Kaneki you have to go this time! You never go to class trips!" He said in a demanding tone. He daydreams as the image of the thrilling adventures they could both do together vast in his mind, kept on shaking his best friend ,who's probably thinking the opposite . These are one of those times where Kaneki didn't really know how him and Hide are able to maintain their friendship despite their opposite demeanor. So he crack a smile with annoyance ,"You could just go without me. I would be okay here ,just gonna finish this book" he says, taking an item out of his bag and raised the literature he currently reads. But Hide still looks at him, discontent, as he roughly puts the book down from his vision then crosses his arms "That's the whole point! You have to take a break from your comfort zone and man up! You're always reading those boring books like an old man. No wonder why you can't pick up the ladies!" Ken pouts .Hide doesn't understand-or atleast, doesn't know. It's not that he could blame him , because he doesn't really need to know. A sharp pain throbs in his stomach that starts aching again. Reminding him about his mother, who left the abrasion in his belly. He squeezed his lids closed , thinks about yesterday's events and the future troubles that were already animating in his mind. The expenses she has to cover for the trip,her worries about what will happen to him if anything bad happens- He wouldn't even receive any concern from a mother, instead he'll receive to much frustration from her and she will beat him up , damaging his body even more. Besides, his mother have enough problems already. He can't be selfish and ask something trivial for his own happiness and let his mother bare the burden for it. But he can't also tell Hide that. Or else greater consequences will occur. He doesn't know what to do, nevertheless he found himself muttered "My mom won't let me." A few seconds slipped with the wind for Hide's eyes to soften "That's why?" He asked softly, Kaneki hesitantly nods in response, getting off guard, letting Hide have the opportunity to grab his sling bag and arm before he started to march off,dragging Kaneki along. "H-hey Hide what are you doing!?" Kaneki exclaimed, wanting to stop his best friend, yet he found his own legs following Hide's trail. "Don't worry about it man, I'll ask for her permission on your behalf. I'm sure she'll agree." Hide says with optimism , giving him a reassuring smile. "And I'm pretty sure you also want to come along don't you?" Of course he wants to, he wants to get away from the grim house , stay away from his mother even for a brief moment . But he can't, he just can't. Just as he said before , asking his mother for her blessing is a big 'No' in a snap of a finger, telling Hide his reasons why he refused only bring more burdensome at him and to her immediately. Trying a weak attempt to stop him, Kaneki quickly lied again "N-no." But it didn't seem to work as his best friend grimace. "Shut up you clearly wanted to." He continues, still walking ,passing house to house until they reached Ken's flat. "Just let me handle this. You'll come with us!" Defeated, he shuts his mouth and stared at his feet while Hide knocks the door and turns to wink at him. The poor boy looks at him in disbelief. Is Hide really that stubborn and a birdbrain just for the sake for Kaneki to come with him? Nothing better would come out even if his mother agree.This whole deal is impractical, really. The door opens and Ken flinches, making his current dismay fade in the breeze only to be replaced by a bigger one. He noticed a pair of slippers appeared. Swallowing, he mustered up the courage to look up from his mother's face only to find a confuse stare dawned on them. "What are you two boys doing here?" She asked ,shifting her gazes at the both of them. "Ma'am, I'm really sorry if we made an hassle but I want to ask if I could barrow Kaneki for uh... two to three days?" He raised his three fingers. At his surprise, his mother seems amused as she raised an eyebrow and leaned her back at the door frame "Why's that?" "Oh well , the school will have a trip in the Hakodate. I was thinking of bringing him along.Can he go with us? I promise to take full fledged responsibility if anything happens." He proposed, looking expectedly at her with a proud smile. But behind his outburst aura was his terrified friend. However his affright expression shifted. Her lips curved into a sad smile .His mother took a soft glare at him. Both of her eyes shimmered . Surprisingly , instead of flinching like the natural response, her son stared at her, confused. That wasn't a harsh glare that makes him tremble with fear or feel being threatened. Her smile is genuine, he could tell that it's not fake or an act.   It was a expression that's he rarely seen from her. Something that gives him an odd fuzzy feeling ,making him process to convince himself that it wasn't an illusion or a dream. But it's real. Then before he knew it, his mother told them her answer. ... Apparently, thanks to Hide's reckless actions, Kaneki is now walking with a sea of kids to reach the mountaintop. That night when Hide asked for her permission , his mother questioned him if he truly wants to go. He said yes and answered her sincerely and was surprised that she agreed and didn't give him another beating. Guilt was shimmering in her eyes along with her face and her tone. She apologized to him about the way she treated him yesterday .But it didn't matter to him anymore. His mind was clouded with thoughts that he will finally be far away form this house and from her beatings. She just told him not to worry about it and she'll find a way. She also told him not to misbehave and be careful out there. But even with her consent, he can't help but having mixed feelings about the whole thing. He felt so happy, but it worries him so much that it also scares him. The expenses, her well being, getting away from the future terrible days that's about to come- just everything crashes in his mind. Yet his mother just gave him a genuine smile , softly combing the fringe of his dark hair using her fingers and bid him good night to call it a day. The whole night, a small smile crept his face, overwhelmed as tears drips, staining his sheets until he was able to be tucked in a peaceful slumber underneath the starless night  . ... In Hakodate, one of the most infamous spots here is the view from the mountain, where you can sightsee the city. After a few more efforts, they finally reached the destination they've been waiting for... The summit of the mountain where they could see the whole town. Hide quickly ran to the deck to save himself and Kaneki the best spot even if the cheeky kid got scolded. "Woah." Kaneki said in awe as he saw the picturesque view his eyes delivered upon him. Lights flickering along the city that's covered in early November snow. Colors brightly glistening in the starry sky painted with the hue of oranges and blue. The whole sight catches his words away. While admiring the whole scenery, Kaneki was interrupted when an arm wrapped around his shoulder. "So what do you think?" Hide asked, smiling brightly at his friend . "It's great." He chimed , making Hide beamed ,"Told ya!" "T-thanks alot Hide." Kaneki moved his cold lips as he also cracked a smile, "Aw no problem bro. Told you need it," he ruffled his friend's hair ,"But seriously, your mom is really scary when I talked to her. I was quite a bit anxious for a sec hehe." he scratched his cheek, thinking about the time when he confronted his best friend's mother. "Hide... You really don't need to do that. I could've done it myself." he murmurs as he received a light punch in the shoulder, "You kidding me right? You seem to be much more a scardy cat than I am, and if I do let you do it, you wouldn't say a thing to her like you always do! So I have to take the initiative!" The boy sighs and decided to end this pointless conversation and continue to appreciate the landscape. The more they would talk about it, the more her remembered the worst things his mother committed , "Ah well, it already happened so might as well let go of the past." Kaneki mutters. Thankfully, Hide seems to get the idea and turn to face the bright town. For a few moment, the his friend took a deep breath, creating mist in his mouth and called his best friend, "Hey Kaneki." "Yeah?" "In the future..." His eyes scanned the whole city before he go even further "Do you want to travel all the cool places in Japan together?" He asked, leaning his arms at the fence as he continue to stare at the town. Ken follows, yet also pictures them going place by place, like the characters in fairy tales when they venture the world. Eating all kinds of food ,exploring cool new things. The thought seems like a better idea than staying inside the dark house everyday and everynight. Not to mention that he would love to see more attractions like these, where instead of looking at images behind the screens, his eyes will witness the real thing. Kaneki breaks out a grin "Sure. Traveling Japan as a whole... seems kinda fun!" Hide smiled jovially and pat his friend's shoulder  "Then it's settled! When we're adults ,both you and me will travel the whole country with our girlfriends!" "Okay where did that come from!?" He jumped at his last statement , totally not expecting that. But Hide kept chuckling ,"Duh, it's a joke." Then a smug smirk crept his face "But it's bound to happen , I think. I don't know about you though. You're a bit nerdy for a girl." He continues , teasing the boy beside him, making Kaneki scoff, "Shut up." "Jeez taking a joke seriously Kenny boy?"  he says in amusement as Kaneki laughs sarcastically before giving him a face. "Hey don't give me that look." Hide stops as Kaneki chuckles and decided to turn around and ignore him . He received a light tap on the shoulder ,making Kaneki face up to Hide. He puts his hands on his hips and starts looking around their surroundings  "We better move, I'm sure there's still alot of awesome things going around in this place before we go." Kaneki nods in agreement. As both boys started to wander around, Kaneki looked back at the balcony for one last time and noticed a small figure in the crowd, looking yearningly at the view presented to them. He also found that in their eyes, he can see only sorrow reflected behind those longing gaze. ... Then his eyes darted open, brought back in the present time. 'Then it's settled! When we're adults ,both you and me will travel the whole country!' Hide's voice resonates . Kaneki wants to laugh at that promise. Look at the situation now. It's clearly not happening and it will never will . Just like every other childish promises he tried to keep , they're too delusional and impossible . His promises are somethings that mostly happened in the heat of the moment decisions. Like a child wishing in the star or to a dandelion's dust, hoping it would come true, regardless of being aware it just a lie to make children hold onto something called 'hope'. He will admit that he tried to make them come true and stay on the right rail, following the signs. But no matter how much he tried to remain at same road, his life turns ,forcing him to walk on a much more difficult path . So in the end, even if he say he's doing their promise by going alone for Hide's behalf, that promise have now turned into a huge joke hasn't it? -------------------------------------------------------- Months of preparing, he thought this will be a chore. Fortunately he's wrong. As he starts roaming all over the Osaka, he ate some street food, tried out some native snacks he have never tasted . He visited some nearby tourists spots, where he learned the history of each place, every important names, event that would dissolve likely later from his mind. He looked at different shops, seeing many items, vintage or modern souvenirs that he wouldn't really buy. Wandering around aimlessly, Kaneki wonders to himself why he even bothers to let himself experience all these things other than fulfilling the promise him and Hide did for his behalf, he really isn't sure why? Maybe it's because he wants to at least try out things that might've been considered 'fun' or maybe find anything to distract himself from worrying about later events and from these merciless thoughts of his. Because he will admit that this is quite fun, even though a trace of guilt lingers inside of him or a weight on his body that has taken a toll, leaving a message 'You don't deserve it'. Having a walk in the path covered in snow, mesmerizing each buildings, houses that are different from the ones he sees in Tokyo, it seems to be a good temporary painkiller for the demons in his head. But does it really matter? For him, the answer is 'Nope'. Because despite it all, everything is still going as planned. ... 7:15, his clock reads. Before he goes to his final destination, he looked at the map to visit the place he's quite excited to see. The infamous library of Osaka. It is popular for its massive amount of books they have in store. Ken has searched it up on the internet before he decided Osaka to be the last town he would see in his life. And he did not regret it. After he walk for another several minutes at the main street and entered the library , his own mouth and eyes widens after he passed through the door. Unlike the book stores in Tokyo, the layers and layers of shelves in this place overwhelms him. Ornaments are neatly place to each shelf along with various types of books , with all kinds of titles, written in many genres. Created by different  authors all around the world . It was like the ideal world that stays in an avid readers dreams  was pulled out from their minds to make them feel that comfort will welcome them inside. His fingers lightly skimmed the spine of each book in the shelves , his eyes studies each title of the novels, muttering out the short summaries of each story with his knowledge alone. Strolling a bit more further, he moved to the next floor, where he could find the section of the classic novels, like the works of Natsume Soseki's 'Kokoro' . Osamu Dazai's 'No Longer Human' and also  from his favorite author Sen Takatsuki 'The Black Goats Egg' which he just finished . If he would live and settle down here in Osaka, this would probably be the aisle he would often visit. After appreciating the stacks of novels in the shelves , his eyes caught the same cover as the book he's currently reading, Phantasm of Death . That reminds him. He finds a nearby table as he quickly opened his bag , rummaging his belongings , digging deeper to find the book. But after a few moments, his brows furrowed, face written with confusion. When something in his gut strikes , his breathing became quicker . The more time passed, he started to panic , immediately taking out all the contents and scanned to see if his book is one of them. "Shit, shit, shit..." He kept muttering, like it's the only thing to prevent him from breaking. Where is it? He kept looking and looking, until it really dawned on him that the book isn't really with him. He can't lose that book- inside of it, was the last photo he and Hide, his best friend, took for the last time. While the other is the lucky fortune he received from another  friend he met years ago. They're too important, very important.Like a sacred treasures that helps him cling onto life. Forgotten or not, each of its signs have reminisce a lot of good memories. Memories that make him smile, take out a chuckle from him, even if they could only be counted with his fingers unlike the the unforgettable events the make him regret and ashamed to remember. Yet despite it all, it helps him reminded that good things have happened in this wrenched story of his. And now, he can't find it... Losing them brings guilt in the pit in his stomach. His mind started to get haywire. It will be the death of him. Think Kaneki. Think! Where could've he lost it? Then he remembers. After his mind debates where he could've left the book off, he shoved all his belongings back in his bag then rushes out the building and immediately ran towards the cafe Anteiku. ... When he finally reaches the building , it was too late. The doors are shut , the lights are closed , he can't feel anybody's presence inside. The lively cafe was that was once filled with a silent aura of happiness and serenity, was now dark and empty, like an empty hunting forest ,void of life. He looks through the window to see even a glimmer of his belongings inside, to his dismay he was unable to see any trace of his treasures. But he didn't lose hope, ironically. So he waits. He waits outside pacing back and forth, praying for the lights to open and see someone inside, to beg for a chance to search for his book. He counted for moments. Till moments turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours. But of course, nobody came. He only have 10 minutes until the last bus towards the last place he wants to go leaves. He detaches himself from the glass window and quietly reads the sign on the front door, 'Open on January 5.' January 5, next week... Will he even wait for a week to pass by? Ruin all the plans he have arranged for months just because of a book that is very important to him? Letting such a perfect opportunity to waste? Will he be willing to wait and risk the chance to put his mindset back about looking up to the future with false hope all because the ornaments in his book that holds a lot of strong good memories? "Fuck no." Time passes, they fucking fade. Like a wind carrying the wishes of the deceased that god knows will never be fulfilled ,will slowly be forgotten by the world ... Slowly, the signs that are engraved in each item are becoming numb by every second,  each minute the day has passed . No matter how much they're important, or how much high each of its merit is in his life. The thought of pain and misery keeps overcoming him, replacing the encouraging messages into a recollections of his past mistakes and failures. He remembers now and he hates himself for it, which causes him to be more self-destructive than he is now. Why would you hold onto somethings when your sense goes away? When your memories and beliefs will be swept away from your own body by the rushing waves? "Forget about the conclusion of the story," his heals turn, "Forget about those memories." He mumbles quietly as he rushes to the bus station. 'Forget everything about them...' He has finally decided. --------------------------------------------------------- When his soles touches the cold floor, he could feel his stomach burning. His eyes gazed at the cliff entrance. He shivered from the cold breeze wrapping his body that he can almost feel being suffocated . He huffs as he forced his legs to walk. They're functioning, yet he found them walking in a slow painstakingly pace. He was prepared wasn't he? He kept walking and walking, but his legs annoyingly starts getting heavier each step he takes, like they're made out of candle wax, melting to be glued in the rocky path. Letting the dangerous fire inside of him burn him even more and more. 'You shouldn't be born.' 'Useless shit!' 'It's your fault!' "No one would ever love you!" 'You don't even deserve them!' His teeth clatters. The voices are getting louder the closer he gets. He just wants to bang his head on the floor or whatever solid he could find. Just make them shut the hell up. Because he's aware yet the kept reminding. A little relief came when he saw nobody was on the small empty eerie forest. There's almost no one in the place anyway because why would they? They have families to go home to and have friends to spend time to. And he has none of that. He will die alone. And that thought could only make him swallow. Before heading over , he close his eyes and took a deep breath. He repeatedly did this a couple of time until he make sure he's hushed down. That he'll make it their in one peice. That he won't break. That his dying in style plan would come in play. Then his legs move, leaving a trail of his footprints that will be swept away by the wind. Leaving no trace of their existence. The whole world would only laugh at his actions, finding how silly this whole thing is, learning his whole life is a joke like it always been. The shadow of the trees engulfed him. In the story books,  all the main characters would find a way to get out of the menacing forest and live, but to Ken Kaneki, it's different. He would find the light and die. He ventures down a little bit more until he find himself standing almost at end of the forest. At the edge of the cliff , all he can see is death's door, wide open for him. He can feel it waiting , calling seductively for him to take the last step so he could be consumed in the darkness. He leans at the tree for leverage, sweat beads forming at his temples. It's now or never. Kaneki takes off his backpack and jacket, not knowing a reason why he should when it could benefit him to sink even deeper. But below the gap , he could hear the waves crashing brashly at the rocky ground, he was certain that if he even tries to swim out of survival instincts,the current will pull him back, permanently sealing him to the prison of death. If he jumps and hit his body to the hard cement ,especially his head ,he will surely be unconscious. Or the best scenario , he will suffer from internal hemorrhage, cracking his skull , having an internal bleeding and not recovering from the injury ever again. One jump. Just one jump and everything will be over. He looked at the moon, staring at it like a fool for finding answers why he shouldn't end his life. He planned everything and was prepared for months, but why? Why is he afraid enough that makes his legs numb? Why can't he close his eyes, run and sprint at the gap to finally be gone to this world? Is it by human nature? Giving himself more time to cope and think? Wanting to ... live...? The last suggestion makes him laugh. His life is a nuisance as far he remembers . He wanted to end everything , make his senses numb to not feel pain, to not hear the sadistic voices inside of his head. Especially being an affliction to people's bright lives. Being the reason, the main cause of their pain and suffering. It's not their fault, it his. Slowly but steadily, he marches forward, like a process to mark his death to the reaper. It's scary but it in the end it will give him peace without offending anyone anymore .

At the brink of the end, with the dark and sickened eyes, he can barely see the waves and tried decipher the shape of the stones. In his perspective, it looks like the the entrance of the abyss, where no light existed, only darkness wrapping the poor souls and force them to go and riot to hell. He swallows again, rubbing both of his palms together. No backing down. It's time to end this, end everything.His feet moves slowly, his breathing quickens again , hesitantly stepping at the air and trying force the gravity to pull his body to the gap and fall, but... The incident last year. Ambulance are ringing in his ears. The wrath of the wind hitting smacking his own skin. He sees doctors, people, a bridge, especially someone covered in their own blood. 'Live Kaneki...' are the words he immediately hear . He breaks. He breaks as his butt meet the cold floor instead of the water. He clenched his chest tightly while gasping for air. He can't do it. He can't do it... Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why can't he make himself die right now!? Out of frustration , Kaneki took a rock and throw it at the cliff and yelled, venting his distress at a mere object. After getting a small satisfaction from his actions, he used his hands to cover his ashamed face and muffled the rest of his screams from coming out. He just wants to die. That's it! He wants to punish himself from his crimes and every sin he have committed. He doesn't deserve to live. He needs to die, he wants to die.

Yet even his pathetic self can't do it again... "Someone please..." "Just break me." He prays, hopefully that someone would hear it. That his words will whisper in someone's ear and they will grant his request. "You know I could hear you crying from here." A feminine voice called behind , realizing that he now regretted his own selfish request . He immediately stops wailing and blinks. How come someone found him at this late? Nobody should be outside already at this time around. He was certain he went to an empty place, where no one could hear him, where no one could see him in a forest facing a cliff in a middle of nowhere, where no one could see him jump to his death . Did this person followed him or heard him? He turned around to inspect to see the intruder , and what he found is a woman. From her looks and her posture, he can definitely tell that the girl was between her early twenties . Her blue fluffy hair that past between her shoulders covers one of her indigo blue eyes. The visible orb glows beneath the shadows of the tree; are focusing , mesmerizing his pathetic feature. The pale skin in her face that's glinting under the night sky ,an expression that is pasted with a poker faced look. At first glance she looked a little bit intimidating, yet,it doesn't fazed him. Not at all... Which seems to be off. "Did I interrupt something here or...?" She said with bored eyes as she pointed at her face, "You really just have something here." Indicating his tears. He quickly wiped them away sheepishly and try to make himself look a bit proper. After he fixed himself, a pang of deja vu hits him. He doesn't know how, but for some reason, he remembers a faint memory that disappeared just before he could recall it... ... "Uh..." Is all Kaneki's smart mouth could say. The woman came closer "Mind if sit with you?" She asked yet just sat a besides him, clearly not waiting for his consent at all. Not that he minded. Both are strangers to each other. They don't know each other's name, purposes and goals. 'But are they?' a voice echoes in his mind. "Got a nice view up here..." The girl muttered , looking at the place then at him. He didn't say anything and just look at the rushing water below the gap , what is there to say anyway? She's just a mysterious person who just popped out of nowhere , stopping- no, distracting him from the brink of death. She raised her finger and points, "You got the view of the city to the left, the moon, then a sea... I could stay up here until sunrise."  She exaggerates before she took her backpack and unzips it, rummaging until she took out a napkin along a book. Curiously, he looked at her direction and inspected at the hardbound until his eyes widen when he recognized the familiar front cover of the literature. "You forgot this. " she handed both things at him . " I saw you left this at the cafe earlier ; I was supposed to call you out ,but before I got even the chance too, you're gone already ." Kaneki stared at her with disbelief, thinking everything is surreal . He bit his lip and quickly took his book back from her, shaky hands opened it greeted by pages and finds what he's looking for, the photo and the bookmark, still tucked inside in one piece.   Tears staining his damped face again, then asked the mysterious woman with a crooked voice "W-why did you went to this trouble just to bring it back to me?" The lady just scoffed at him "No thank you? Rude..." she fumed, crossing both of her legs and placed her elbows , making her face rest on her palm. "You seem desperate by getting it back. Can't stick seeing your crybaby face. " she took a quick glance at him and snickered. This woman is obviously teasing him, a stranger. However, Her presences is somewhat... Calming, in an particular way. "I tried to give it back to you but when I went back to the front door, you're just gone in the air again . So I thought of taking the book with me because the shop is closed until next week and I might have a slight chance to walk up to you, which I did. I saw you again in the entrance and followed you, not that I'm a stalker or anything ." Kaneki looked at the woman, then back at his treasures. He noticed a fabric peaked out then lifted it up to reach her vision . "About that, you need something to wipe your face. You look like a human waterfall." He smiled when he heard her insult "Thank you..." Then rubbed his face gently with the given napkin. The woman gave him a smirk. A smile formed on his face and he starts to wonder 'Why does life give me reasons to live when I have finally decided that I want to die?' he wipes his face using the handkerchief, 'Showing me happiness where everything is bright and warm. Whenever I foolishly believed that the bliss will stay, my life finds a way to take them all away again, won't history repeat itself again?' Again, like a caged maze only leading him in the roundabout circles. He looked at the lady, eyes distance to the starry sky. Both pupils are tamed to decipher to point the stars , wondering which constellation they belong. He finds himself almost chuckling at the sight before his eyes 'If I find myself attached to her like my last string of hope, won't fate just take it all away again?' then eyes darkens as he mutters to himself "You're just gonna end up like everyone else." 'And in the end I'll be left alone again and I'll be the one to be blamed.' "Huh?" the woman's train of thought disperse. He quickly tense as he shakes his head.

"N-nothing!" he immediately averted his gaze away then dabs the piece of fabric in his skin, poorly attempting to hide his ashamed face underneath the napkin. "I mean thank you." He affirms , trying to cover up his previous statement. Earning a smirk that was draws on her face. Then without a warning, she stretches out her arms, like a bird whose wings are finally free from the chains, "You know..." she stops as she took a deep breath... "This cliff is the perfect place to die." During these few moments of silence, her words repeatedly echoes in his mind. Kaneki looked at the lady with wide eyes, processing of what she just declared . D-did she know his true intentions? Does she want to end her life as well? 'Just let me die' said a faint familiar voice. "Your shoes are in that tree along with your stuff." She lifted her thumb, directing it at the tree, " Not to mention doing it in the middle of the night? It's almost New year. Bet the people will be happy seeing a floating corpse during the celebration , what a good omen." she commented scathingly. He blinks at her and doesn't respond to her statement. The reverse psychology she stated makes him smile, his brows furrowed, his lips brought out a bitter laugh into life. "Why are you laughing?" she inquires. "It's just that... I look stupid now aren't I?" She bit her lip, suppressing a chuckle until she slowly follows him. "I think... we both are." she bobbed her head , concurring at her own account . And he can't help but to agree with her. Both are laughing at how stupid this entire thing is. How they find it amusing if they could see the world's disappointed face of their actions. When death is supposed to be marked at this time around .Their cynical voices molded , orchestrated a bittersweet song that the world would never heard again. The whole situation is weird and stupid. But even with it's simple stupidity, he would lie if he said it's wasn't nice to have these kind of conversations. When both calmed. The tension arouse into something uncanny . The breeze of reality came back ,letting countless of questions rack his head. Is she trying to stop him? A weak boy who has lost all hope in his miserable life? For what cause? What benefit will she get from him if she tries to save him? She should just leave , forget him and let him die without a single soul knowing. Ah. It hit him. She's just pitying him, that's all. If she realized that she just let a person killed himself, guilt will only come up to her and haunt her in her sleepless nights . He knows how that feels, feeling useless not stopping a person to open the death's door. Just like him and his mother. If he knows better, he would've done everything to stop her. Then maybe, today , maybe, his mother was still alive. And now this lady caught him red handed. She has now fallen into his position. If fate truly exist, then he will be it's bait. That thought makes him shudder. He truly is a piece of shit, garbage. He should've just jumped while he has the chance. That would be better for the both of them. What a fucking waste of space. "Hey if you try to die now, you would miss the opportunity to see the fireworks up here. They rarely ran a display during New year here and the view seems rad." She smiled sadly while looking at the city lights from the corner of the gap," That's where people gather and watch the display . I know it's a bit far but if I were you, I would watch the show from this perspective before..."  The woman bit her lip and paused when he eyes caught the sea. She seem to be careful not to say anything about suicide. But, she quickly wiped the gloomy expression and stared at him with giddiness "So what do you think?" Kaneki sigh. Why does this woman keep on talking to him and inviting him like he's her friend or something. They don't know each other so what's the big deal? This doesn't make sense to him. She should leave now. This girl is too foolish for staying with him. She's just wasting her time to a worthless piece of shit. Somehow , even if he has the power to leave her, to run now and never look back. The girl has something the he can't lay his finger on. She has that familiar aura, her presence seems too nostalgic. That alone suprisingly makes him stay. He thinks as he rubbed both of his fingers and stared at them, thinking of an excuse to back out ,"I appreciate the offer, but, it will be a twenty five minutes drive from here to the city, almost an hour by walking.  Don't you have any friends to hang out with?" The woman placed both of her hands to the rocky floor and leaned back "Well... my friend wants me to find the best view for the fireworks display . I think this is the perfect one and I want to invite you too." She replied nonchalantly. Ken snickers "Okay we just met." The woman licked her lips and sighed deeply. He find it quite amusing that she isn't exhausted and was still trying to convince him, "Well it's you who lead me back to this place. The best way I could thank you is inviting you here." This whole conversation makes no sense... But... Watching the fireworks wouldn't hurt.  It's just another day of living while having a pit of toxicity in his stomach, he still has enough money to spend for the next night. Doing this is just repaying her for going all the way over here just to give him back his important belongings that helps him hold onto dear life . It's not a big request that was impossible to grant. After new year, he could find another place , make sure this woman forgets his existence, then to kill himself. Simple. Thinking about it, he should be asking for her name already, but it's not like they're going to be friends or anything. As much as possible, Kaneki wants to be sure that he's surrounded in the hallow solitude that he's in. It will be more hectic if he asked her name and exchanges his. He finds it strange that she hasn't asked for his name yet, but then again even he forgot to do that as well, maybe because of that strange sense of feeling that they already met that made introductions unnecessary. Giving up, he released a shaky breath,"Do you really think this is the best spot?" He asked her and stared at her eyes. The girl responded with a genuine smile "Trust me." This woman, her attitude, the way she talks, she seems familiar . This is getting bizarre. Have they met before? Have they crossed each other's path and somehow managed to know each other and blurt out each other's name? Well, if they did bumped to each other, or met at one time around, he doesn't want to ask because it pointless. He believes it's better for the both of them because in the end, he'll be lying lifeless soon. Ever since last year's incident, he never wants to be closer to other people anymore. If he talked to her, he might've be distracted from his goal here. She achieved that tonight but this will be the last time. Making himself attach to her is asking for a life sentence. Somehow, no matter how menacing his thoughts get, Kaneki can't help but smile back to her genuinely "Alright." One last time. No more excuses. Someone has to draw a thick line- no, build a barrier between them , then erase himself in the face of the world. And he'll be happy to do the part. "Great!" She offers a grin before she looks at the sea again once more, obviously staying . Kaneki at this point raised a suspicion if she's monitoring on him to see if he would jump at the cliff and betray her request. Kaneki sighs, as much he likes the woman's presence, he also find the situation getting weirder and weirder. "Aren't you going back to your place?" She closed her eyes and shakes her head "Nope. I spend 150 yen for the bus ticket all the way here. At Least let me enjoy what I've paid would ya?" She scolds, telling him to shut up. Which he did. Within those few more minutes that went by , the woman kept staring at the distance of the sea where her eyes could reach, trying to ignoring the guy's stares who's next to her. She rolled her eyes and is the first one to spoke up to break the comfortless silence ,"Weirdo". "Wha-!? " he cry out in surprise, causing her to blurt out a small chuckle. Defending himself, he told her, "It's just...You look (felt) familiar." The woman took glance at him "Yeah?" a small smile crept her face. She tries to move her lips as if she wants to say something but , instead, she stood up, not wanting to continue the discussion even further. "If I went now,will you still stay?" She asked , not leaving her eyes on him as she wipes off her bottom for the remaining dirt to come off. "It's getting late. Really late." She reminded him. Kaneki followed the trail of the moonlight's reflection from the rushing waves and looked up at the moon itself, "You're right ." He simply answered , nodding his head. She reached out a hand, helping him to stand up, then both exchanges small smiles to each other before fixing themselves. 'Hey if you try to die now, you would miss the opportunity to see the fireworks up here' her voice vibrates in his mind over and over again. He clearly remembers the voice she displayed. Not out of pity nor out of resentment the way he thought it would be . For the past 25 horrible years of his life, he was able to trace all of the negativity or ill feelings towards him. However... The way she blurted every word she say to him are out of sincerity and sympathetic , as if she they were friends to another world or from their previous life...he kinda felt a little... tingle in his belly. This woman is too kind that it's scaring him. She's too kind that it might be the death of him instead. After making sure they both left nothing on the crag, they looked at the cliff one last time for tonight and leaves the place wordless. ... When they bought tickets at the receptionist, they both entered the last bus that is stationed outside of the entrance. Both are thankful when they found vacant seats, despite around this time around being rush hour, a two-seaters in the back are waiting for them. Ken clears his throat, "After you." He escorted her with chivalry. "Thanks. " She nodded politely. ... They settled themselves, white silence envelopes them. 'This isn't awkward at all.' He mentally submits to himself sarcastically. Well to be exact, he doesn't know what else he should say . But this isn't what he wanted, right ? He wanted not to be involve in anyone's daily life. That an unknown space would remain between him and society. Between him and her, both of them . There would be a far stretch space we're they couldn't connect . And yet here he is sitting beside a person he hardly knows planning to go and watch a fireworks display. Somehow he isn't sure as an alluring air around her tempts him to break his own rule through his own volition. He can feel his mouth about to set the forbidden words free, enough to make him obligated to cover his own mouth. What is this feeling? Why does it feel like this has happened before? The questions he has in his head, he wants to vomit them. And god it takes a lot of willpower not to let them out. Powerless, the only thing he could do was silently watch her. Her hair faced him; her temples rested on the window as she is drown at her own thoughts as well. His mind wonders what's she's currently thinking. And it surprisingly scares him. "Stop that." She blurted, annoyed, enough to make him flinch and quickly tries to hunt for anything distracting in his backpack. He snatched his phone out as he decided to busy himself by searching up some hotels with reasonable prices since he is going to stay for another night. But from the looks of it, all of them are fully booked tonight. "So, where would you stay? You don't look like you're someone who lived here" She flickered her eyes up him. Kaneki simply answers, scrolling down and trying his best not to meet her eyes. "A hotel. I'm still finding one." He utters. "I can help you with that." She offered. "No, it's alright. I can find one." But after visiting more web pages , scrolling down , and a dying battery later. To his dismay, every hotel, every inn or even the motels are fully booked. "Can't find a room?" she smiles as she raised an eyebrow, looking smugly at him. "Like I told you, there's a fireworks festival tomorrow at New year . Very rare for this to happen in Osaka. So you're not the only one looking for a damn room, well at the very least they know how to book early." 'Well that's because I wasn't even planning on sta-' Silence empowered him instead . However the woman seem to know something, enough to let out a cough, to seek for his attention, "I have a friend who's roommate just moved from another town. Maybe you can stay with him for awhile. It's just that he's an asspull, but I think you can manage with him." "N-no. It's fine, really." He turns the offer down, "You already done enough for me and I don't want to bother your friend. He's probably sleeping since it's late." She chuckles,"At this time around, he's probably with his girlfriend, jerking off or whatever." She twirled her hair as she nonchalantly looked at him , "Besides you got nothing to lose, and not to mention you have no other place to stay." 'She does have a point' he admits to himself. Still, he felt a bit reluctant about the offer. 'What if...' he thought to himself ,'What if I become friends with this person she's talking about? What if I become a nuisance to him as I was to everyone else in my life?' But then again, it will all end tomorrow, why not just endure another night?' 'Excuses.' His eyes widen hearing those words. 'You still want to live and you know it.' 'Still wanna fill this world with your useless presence' 'Nobody loves you, nobody needs you, and nobody ever will.' 'Your heart will remain as it always was...an empty void, a vessel full of

nothingness.'

Those mocking words echo in his mind, as he grits his teeth trying his best not to show his dismay. "So, are you taking it or what?" her words slaps him right back to reality. He finds himself ending up staring at her face, her voice seemed to chant a magic spell to swept away all the menacing voices away. How does she do that? He wants to ask her but he didn't replied as he kept being mesmerized by her nostalgic eyes that seem to hold secrets deeper and darker than the ocean floor that he wants to hunt so badly. "Stop staring and answer the damn question already, are you taking it or not?" She grimaced, completely snapping him out of his daydream. Blinking his eyes before missing a beat, he answers, "Okay, okay fine." He raised his hands in defeat. "I'll take it, where's it even at?" Hearing his response, a small smile of victory slowly etches on her face" Don't worry it's close to our stop, about a 5 min walk from there, probably. " Kaneki sighs, leaning on his back as his eyes closed, smiling at her, "Alright." After this no words were exchanged until they reached their destination. Finally, they went down the vehicle , Kaneki places his hands in his pockets, he exhales deeply, creating an icy mist escaping his mouth, 'Well then, lead the way" tilting his head towards her direction. She nods "Its just down this alley way, come on follow me." Then she starts walking.

Venturing down the quiet eerie streets, all the Christmas decorations are already replaced by the New Year once as he noticed how snowy it was, like some obscure picture covered in a white sea. He felt that this has happened before... 'Isn't it nice to have a snowy late night walks?' A familiar voice giggled inside his head. Both of his feet stopped walking as he stands, finding the woman's figure drifting further and further as she walks. He recalls another fragmented memory. His eyes close and immediately opens, realizing that she has remarked that he has stopped walking and immediately called out to him, "Are you okay?"she asked, her tone was illustrated with concern. "Ah yeah. I'm alright. Just thinking about somethings." He quietly admitted. "Okay..." She sneers, "Then isn't it nice to have snowy late night walks?" He blinks hearing her inquires, just like the childish vioce, yet more hesitant than the latter .

"Y-yeah." He stutters. "That's good. Now let's go, were almost there." She turns her back at him as resumed walking, and all he can do is to follow her while fighting to repress his own clouded thoughts and memories. "Its here." she points after they exited an alleyway . Just at the corner of another street was a modernized house about three stories high covered in snow just like everything else. She leads him as they took the stairs to the third floor. After passing four doors, they stopped. "Here it is." She proudly presented the door with a nametag written 'Nishio' in it. 'Haven't I heard that name before?' He looked at the nametag with a puzzled look. "Doesn't look like they're here..."she peeks through the curtains then scanned the hall everywhere seeing no sign of anyone. She quickly tiptoed as she suddenly reaches the top of the doorframe to seemingly taking for something. "Aha!" she exclaims, "Here it is." she pulls down a key from the side of the frame, "Told him to hide it better, he never learns does he?" she says mockingly. When she opened the door, she took off her shoes and went inside while saying "Come on.", leading him. Entering inside the small apartment, he took a moment to look over the area until he heard her asked, "Are you hungry?" 'No, I'm good." He replies as he follows her in a vacant room. He's started to get worried about the whole thing, "You sure this will be okay?" his voice trails. "In all honesty, we are trespassing his property." He reminds her hoping to get the idea. After walking the whole town for a day and almost doing a suicide at night, he doesn't want to deal with a lot of dilemma right now. "I trespass here a lot because he has the stuff I need. He got used to it" She only replied , placing her bag on the cupboard followed by, "I think." as she opened the cabinet, taking all the sheets out and placing the first mattress ,spreading it out at the floor. "But really, don't worry. I'm sure he won't mind." She retorts before she takes another sheet. "Besides if he does get pissed, just tell him that this bitch told you so." He frowns when he heard her assurance, but instead of protesting , he quickly dropped his bag before helping her with the other sheets. Neither of them speak of the entire process until they've finished, resulting a comfortable futon seemingly ready to be slept onto. She looked at their work,"Well looks like my job here is done."then , tossed a pillow at him" If you're tired now, you can rest. You seem to have had a long day today." She tells him before she stands up, taking her bag with her. When she reaches the living room,she bid her last instruction, "Just remember what I said and you'll be fine, kay?" He leans uncomfortably at the wall,"Yeah" he simply replies, nodding at her command.. "Thank you. " he finally says as he swallows, not knowing what to do anymore during her presence. Yet he dares not to say another word. He only watched her movements while she headed to the door. For some reason, it felt like time became slower as she carefully  fixed her shoes before she approached the door, "Well, I have to go now." She said, taking her leave. But when she reaches the doorknob, she stops , giving him moment as if she's expecting something from him , of course, only silence responded, not helping the somber atmosphere at all. "You sure you're not forgetting something are you?" She asked boldly, not having eye contact with him. "What?" He said, caught off guard with that question ,then tilted his head, completely bewildered . He honestly doesn't know what she's talking about. She opens the door and chortled "You really are an idiot." Then, she turned to lock her eyes with his and said , "It was nice seeing you again Kaneki Ken. I'm Kirishima Touka by the way."

The breeze that carried her words seem to have knocked out his conscious out of his body,  same as the words that have slipped iut of his mouth.

 “T-touka.” he stutters.

He is completely stifled hearing the message, especially the name. Kirishima Touka. Her name. The name that brings the memories back he have yearned for years to life in his mind.The name he haven't heard for a damn decade. The name that his lips haven't chanted for a long period of time. It felt like time has stopped . "Kirishima Touka..." He repeats as he finally tried to savor her name again after all these years. Recalling the way how his tongue twist and his mouth sang that old name he has forgotten. Kirishima Touka. Kirishima Touka... "Touka-" An interruption occurred when they both heard a phone rang. Touka scoffed, annoyed, as she took out her phone and looked at the caller's address, sighing "Give me a moment." She excused herself as she accepted it and quickly tucked the device on top of her ear. "Yeah?... No, no of course not!... Don't worry old man, I'll be home soon. Is Ayato home already?... Okay, give me twenty minutes. Yeah, see ya." Then she dropped the call, giving a deep exhale as her tired eyes met his, "Sorry but I need to go. My family is getting worried and we can continue this tomorrow." Ken hesitates to speak. He can't directly look her in the eyes. Touka Kirishima, a name of a friend not a stranger. But ... that only make things worse. He felt like everything he have planned for months, dying in that cliff or somewhere without anyone's knowledge, were washed away by a wave of resentment. He has a lot of things to ask about her, yet he's also wants to stay away from her. Not after what happened 10 years ago. He doesn't know what to do, what to say. Yet- "Sure..."he manages to curve his lips into a smile, a crooked smile. Touka on the other hand, eyes staring at him with disbelief, her lips pressed together , looking at him as if she can definitely see what's wrong. "Look..."she started, " You're definitely tired, if we kept chatting until dawn we probably won't have the energy to see tomorrow's display.Everything we need to catch up about , we'll just talk about it tomorrow." He only nods as he simply responds "Yeah..." "Okay." ... "Kaneki." She calls out catching his attention again, instinctively making him face her. "Mhm?" "I'll see you later, kay?" She said her final words for the night as she turned her back one last time and left shutting  the door on her way out. BANG! As the door shuts, He suddenly felt alone in the cold lonely room. His back slides down, using the wall as a heft as he processes what just happened. 'I'm Touka Kirishima' He gulps again when he recalls her name that came from her very own lips. 'I'll see you later. Those are her only words for the night that truly left him astray.                                        -END OF CHAPTER ONE-

[robotcompanion742-blog]

Artificially Intelligent Robot Companions

Let me warn you that whatever you are going to read now is going to change your perspective of sex toys. It is not only going to enlighten you but it will BLOW your mind. Sex toys will not be the same in the near future as we know it today. They are getting smarter, sexier and hotter.

I recently got married with my girlfriend of 3 years. We were already having sex before we got married and this is when we realized that being married does not affect your sex life. In fact, somehow it makes you sex life boring. I am not sure of the psychology that goes on behind it but the energy and excitement that we had before marriage is missing. I discussed this problem with my best friend who is a bachelor and he told me that he and his girlfriend feel the same. I mean they are even married yet, what is wrong with these guys? Anyway, I bet we are not the only couples who are facing problems like these. You could be one of those troubled couples; and if you are not, I would still recommend you to spice up your sex and your life to make sure it lasts long. We love our partners, we need them for life, in fact, we want them for life so if a little piece of technology can help us have better relationships, why not?

Interestingly, my wife sensed my mind and took matters in her own hands to improve what was going on in our lives. She gifted me an amazing sex toy that changed ‘our’ life forever. This toy not only helped us ramp up our sex game, it even helped us come closer and stick together. It gave us strength and taught us the importance of having a lovely partner in our lives. This sex toy was a sex doll, in fact more of a AI sex doll robot. Not your regular sex doll, this one was smart. It has some special features that makes it a wonderful woman (I don’t like calling it a doll, she is no normal sex toy and soon you will learn why).

Unlike a usual sex doll which has nothing other than a beautiful face and big boobs, this one is loaded with technology. It has its own brain and is eager to learn things, much like a sex robot. The best part is, she is reactive to the slightest of the touch and moans like a lady when you start caressing her. She has her own moves but as you spend more and more time with her, she adapts herself to your needs. She learns what you love and then depending upon your movements and her intelligence, develops patterns to satisfy your sex needs. You can involve her in your single fantasies, couple fantasies, orgies, she does not care. She takes part in every single thing you throw at her and learns from the experiences.

This wonderful blow doll has a software running in it that saves the patterns, sync them with the patterns of the world on the cloud and learn from these patters to be your best bitch. For example, you can teach her how to react when you fuck her mouth. She would gladly take your giant dick and suck it until you are satisfied. She would moan and produce sounds that would increase your sex drive.

Another important feature that makes this robot companion an authentic feel is its internal heating system. If you have used a sex doll earlier, you already know how miserable it feels to fuck a cold piece of plastic. The sex dolls are colder than an ex-girlfriends and the artificial blowjobs just don’t turn you on most of the time. However, the smart sex doll that I have is a little different and thank god it is different. It has an internal system that warms up the body of the sex doll giving it a feel of the humans. It is like working up your partner and making them hot. The only difference being your real girl would probably jump on you as you turn her on but this lady would keep her calm and talk dirty to you and wait for you to start doing something to her. Isn’t she so cruel, I mean I would have loved her to get on her knees and start sucking me but no, she will wait for me to put my dick in her mouth, while making her body hot! Let’s not get into the details of how the system works and just limit it to the fact that it works, feels real and you would love it.

The intelligent sex robot we are discussing has a few more features that are not 100% sexy but can be fun. We will come to those in a while. The sex robot is constantly learning from you. It has certain knowledge of sex but as you start involving it in your acts, it gets personalized to a whole different level. For example, when I use her alone, mostly for blowing my dick, she knows that I love to hear her moaning when I touch her throat. She also knows that I love to hear her moan even louder when I am pulling out. She does it every time I fuck her face. Does it sound real? You bet, it does. Every single moan sounds real. The best part is that she has a wide range of sounds that she uses to keep you happy and engaged. Right from the loud ones to the minute, low ones, all of them are perfectly produced by the sex robot and you would instantly want more of those as soon as you hear one.

The scene changes completely when you are a couple. The robotic companion does not replace your human girl but it sure gives her a certain boost. I don’t know jealousy, competition or what but as soon as I and my lady involve this sex robot in our sex, she has a different sex drive. She works harder to please me, she loves caressing her body while looking in my eyes, I don’t know what happens but the sex is so much better. For me, the threesome is awesome. It is heavenly. My favourite position is one and a half sixty nines. It sounds crazy but it is one amazing thing that I would recommend everyone to try. The man lies on his back on the bed, the sex robot has his dick in her mouth, and the human woman gets rid of her panties and sits on the man’s face. Now, the best part - the man sucks his lady’s pussy and the lady moves the robots head to make it suck the dick like a little whore. All three moaning, the lady dominating and the man being pleasured in all different ways.

Another act that my wife loves to do with this sex doll is that of turning me into a cuckold. Well, not a cuck exactly but like half of it or maybe they have a different name for it that I don’t know. Whatever, the situation is sexy not just for her but for me as well. She ties me to one corner of the bed. She ensures that I do not have place to move and my hands do not reach my dick. She then opens the zip of my pants and takes the dick out and ensures that the dick rubs against the cold metal of the zip as I get excited. She then takes out our intelligent sex robot and starts playing with it. Warming her up, caressing her body. Mocking me. Using her strap on dildo to fuck her face and her vagina and all sorts of things that I love doing to both of them. It turns me on but all I can do is feel my dick getting harder. The harder I get, the more my dick moves against the teeth of my pants, and the more pain I feel. It turns her on and that is all she cares about. Did I marry a dominatrix? Good for me!

The intelligent sex robot is more than just AI learning how to moan. She can be quite a chatter. Ironic? I feel so. She can tell stories, jokes, do the calculations for you, help you with your boredom, tell you about the weather and loves to give her opinion on everything that you want to talk to her. The more you interact with her, the smart she becomes.

I am glad that we got ourselves this hot and sexy AI sex robot doll that has helped us have better sex. She helps you realize the things you like. She is the best sex partner for couples looking for threesome and with the kind of intelligence and hunger for learning she has, you would be left with no other option but to love her.

[shakespeares-globe-blog]

The double self: Doctor Aldersen & Mr. Robot, the false myth of progress and the overthrowing of the capitalistic pattern through divided personalities.

Mr. Robot, the much acclaimed American drama thriller, is a television series created by Sam Esmail and aired for the first time in 2015.

Plot

The series revolves around the miserable and lonely life of Elliot Alderson, a young security engineer, who works for one of the richest and most powerful corporations in the world, the E-Corp, through his own point of view, which is heavily influenced by his social anxiety and his chronic paranoia. One day, he is recruited by a mysterious anarchist known as Mr. Robot and joins his team of hacktivists known as fsociety. They plan to cancel consumer debt by destroying the data of the E-Corp (which Elliot calls “Evil Corp”) and to inspire a revolution that will ultimately lead to an equal distribuition of wealth and to the downfall of the capitalistic pattern.

A double first-person narrator

The story of the revolution is told through a first-person narrator, which is Elliot himself, and through his thinking process. Elliot, however, has serious dissociative disorder, anxiety and paranoia, resulting in each episode being one big paranoid delirium, and the viewer shuffles from reality to illusion, not knowing what actually happen and what was just product of Elliot’s mind. Nonetheless, Elliot perceives the viewer as a product of his mind, talking to him and talking to himself at the same time, so that the narrator and the viewer are one and the same, two parts of the same mind.

Although Elliot's mind and his imaginary confidant is already a division of his mind, this is not the only way his personality gets split up. In fact, later in the series, after finding out Mr. Robot is his (supposedly) dead father, his sister Darlene and his friend Angela see him talking frantically to apparently no one, bleeding and severely hurt. When asked what he was doing, he admits he was talking to Mr. Robot, his father, whom he pushed out of a window in a rage tantrum - as his conscience comes back, he finds out Mr. Robot is no one but himself, and that he threw himself out of a window during one of his manic episodes. So, Mr. Robot is Elliot's alter-ego: he's the unconscious, instinctive part of his soul, taking over his mind to make up for Elliot's inadequacy and introversion; unlike Elliot, Mr. Robot is bold, irreverent, loud, a born leader. A modern Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde scenario, where Elliot hadn't known he'd been the one to plot the downfall of capitalism out of interiorized spite and disdain for the utilitarian society.

Mr. Robot can be cold-blooded, tyrannical, hateful, harsh; he hurts Elliot and the people he loves. Not unusually Elliot shows his willingness to free himself from his alter-ego, resorting to morphine and several other expedients, and even to the strict regimen of prison (calling himself guilty of hacking and privacy violation), ignoring him when he appears, not letting him take control. However, Mr. Robot is controlling and an undeniable part of him, as cruel and destructive as he is, and he can never get rid of him.

Although Mr. Robot, with his merciless and fierce behaviour, represents Elliot’s opposite, he is still part of him. Not to mention, Elliot perceives Mr. Robot as his dead father, whom he deeply loved and cared for - Elliot relies on him and never actually shuts him down. Mr. Robot saved him on several episodes, and Elliot loves him, as twisted as their relationship is.

Other characters

Even though they’re not clinical cases, every character in Mr. Robot needs to be mentioned, even if briefly, in this article, because of their divided selves. As a matter of fact, characters in Mr. Robot don’t change - they’re anything but dynamic - but as the story goes on - so, as Elliot progressively understands what is going on around him - they reveal their real personalities, and their real intentions, which might be the complete opposites of what the viewer thought at the beginning of the series. The clearest example might be Tyrell Wellick, Elliot’s “rival”, who in the first two episodes shows his cold, detatched manners. When you first see him, you might think he’s the typical ambitious and merciless villain, all perfect and with a heart of stone.

In reality, as the story goes on, his façade falls, and he reveals his extremely emotional and moody personality, levelling this impassible, god-like villain to a simple, flawed human being.

Another example is Whiterose: professional, calm Chinese Prime Minister of State Security by day, fierce and fearless leader of one of the most powerful hacker groups in the world at night.

The real illusion: the false myth of progress

Elliot: You’re not real. Mr. Robot: Is any of it real? I mean, look at this, look at it! A world built on fantasy! Synthetic emotions in the form of pills! Psychological warfare in the form of advertising! Mind altering chemicals in the form of food! Brainwashing seminars in the form of media! Controlled isolated bubbles in the form of social networks. Real? You want to talk about reality? We haven't lived in anything remotely close to it since the turn of the century! We turned it off, took out the batteries, snacked on a bag of GMOs, while we tossed the remnants into the ever expanding dumpster of the human condition. We live in branded houses, trademarked by corporations, built on bipolar numbers, jumping up and down on digital displays, hypnotizing us into the biggest slumber mankind has ever seen. You'd have to dig pretty deep, kiddo, before you can find anything real. We live in a kingdom of bullsh*t, that even you have lived in for far too long. So don't tell me about not being real: I'm no less real than the f*cking beef patty in your Big Mac. As far as you’re concerned, Elliot, I am very real.

One can argue that one purpose of the TV drama is that of showing how Elliot’s mind is no more messed up than the society he lives in: Elliot’s delirium blends in so well with modern society that the viewer is not sure of the dividing line between the two. He always expresses his disappointment and dissatisfaction of our unjust, contemporary society; the way we’re being controlled, the way we’re not even conscious of our enslavement, the fact that progress and materialism have made us nothing but brainwashed lapdogs, the fact that only a small percentage of the population can actually call themselves rich, the fact that money overcomes relationships. And at the same time, it’s the same reality that allows us safety and control. Our society is divided as well.

The representation of the Middle Eastern world in Mr. Robot

In a show that clearly shows today's multi-faceted Western world, it is impossible not to show the very different Middle Eastern reality, and talk about it. The main character, although born and grown-up in America, is of mixed race, and his feelings and problems are based on the creator's very own experiences growing up as a Muslim immigrant.

The best representation, however, is given off by two other characters: Sunil and Shama, two hacktivists of fsociety fighting to destroy the Western system that continuously discriminates them, to avenge the failing American Dream their families wanted to pursue but failed because of America’s interiorized racism. Many developments this season were extremely direct critiques of President Trump and his supporters. In an episode, Shama and Sunil, on the run, are framed by the Chinese as Iranian terrorists and used as scapegoats to cover their evil actions. Elliot knows the two of them weren't part of any terrorist plan, but what he doesn't know is that the Chinese set them up to divert attention from their leader's political plans and drumming up public support for the unlikely candidate she is backing in the upcoming presidential election in an effort to sow chaos and discord: Donald J. Trump. And the worst thing is Elliot knows he's powerless, since the medias are already targeting them as terrorists and people will unlikely question it, helplessly falling into the propaganda hole. Nearly through the end of the season, Elliot finds the courage to visit Shama and Sunil's families to give out his condolences. The episode is one of the most sentimental and meaningful of the whole serie. “This country now blames Muslims for everything,” says Shama's father as he sorts through their belongings, as they're about to move out. “There’s no room for us here anymore.” But later on, as Elliot decides to kill himself by the shore, he meets Mohammed, Shama's little brother, who asks for a trip to the movies. While there, Elliot recreates with Mohammed the same memories he once had with his own father, but the movies are his memory lane, not Mohammed's. The boy runs away, and Elliot finds him praying in the mosque, the happy place he and his sister grew in. There, they have a meaningful conversation — Mohammed calls Elliot out on his suicidal tendencies and on the Western society’s individualistic pattern (”Why do you always talk about yourself?”), and Elliot understands he has something to live for. Maybe for the first time, we don't see a place of indoctrination, but a loving place to go to find hope —and so Mohammed says: “Did you know I could be President of the United States? My sister couldn’t be. She wasn’t born here. My mom and dad couldn’t either. I’m the only person in my family who could be President. Isn’t that cool? If I were President, I would be able to stay here. In the house we live in. I would find a way to bring back my sister. I’d put the real bad guys in jail. And I’d make everyone eat Pop Tarts for dinner. And make everyone be nice to me.”, and Elliot realizes there are still things left that are worth living for.

[futuremrsjervistetch106]

Jervis Tetch Diaries

( Hi guys, this is something a little bit different, I've decided to post some of the chapters of my Jervis Tetch fan fiction based on my version of the sweet little cinnamon roll in a AU universe roleplay I write in, I hope you guys enjoy the first chapter and let me know what you think 😊 )

Jervis Tetch Diary 1

RIP Mum and Dad...

The summer of somewhere in the 1980's, thats when it happened...that was the day when I was born in the heat of the Indian sun. My parents were not Indian but British/ American. My mother, born and raised in the old money roots of London while my father was new money. From that oh so delightful city of Gotham which was soon to be my home...and my prison. My parents were in India for specific purposes, they were both scientists of the highest order. recommended and noticed by their genius and intellect when it comes to technology and physics along with key elements of biology and chemistry. But their intellect could not compare to how loving and kind hearted they were when I was in their company. Oh how gentle and sweet they were to me, loving me 24/7 making me warm and happy and it wasn't the sun making me warm most of the time . Ah yes, I had such a cherished life in India, seven birthdays and seven wonderful Christmases with my parents in our little home and I distinctly remember the giant bonsai tree on the side of our garden where the tropical birds sang and the lizards performed their mating call. My fondest memories of my childhood was sitting in that tree reading the book which would later leave a mark on me for all eternity in a good form and in a bad form...and that book...was Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. My mother gave it to me as a gift for my sixth birthday and the memories I had with that book I shall never forget. I felt like I was owning the keys for my imagination to be set free into the world which was full of darkness and despair from the grime and sort of criminals, gangsters and the corrupted people in society...just thinking about it makes me laugh at the irony of it all. But back to the point, seven years of wonderful memories...and now your probably wondering, Jervis, why did you only spend seven years with these happy memories and ever so loving parents...well my dear sweet reader of my diary I shall tell you. It's because on the winter when I was seven years old...my parents had been burnt.

Yes you heard me right my parents were burnt to their deaths...and the memory still scars me after twenty years and it was the day that would haunt my dreams...forever. It all started on that very day in winter when I was about to go to bed. But before I did I went to to wish my parents good night. So I went down to my parents lab, which was filled with the most adorable little animals which were used for humane experiments and we make sure that they are properly taken care of and not given any toxic chemicals. Like my dear father used to say....'I would never dare hurt an animal, not even a fly, as it is simply cruel I tell you, for you see Jervis my boy, animals are part of our education, without them we would never of gotten mythical creatures like the unicorn or the mermaid', my father always was a wise man. Anyway they were about to shut down the lab before I came in extremely tired and hugging my prized bunny toy which I have had since the day I was born and I still keep it to this very day. My father, Charles Alister Tetch was not only smart but a gentle soul and showed only but kindness to his family and friends along with my dear sweet mother Louise Tetch...they were completely innocent people I tell you...innocent. That night they gently hugged me and gave me sweet kisses upon my face with tender loving care and passionate affection that every parent should have for their child especially at a young age. I adored my life that I was given and I could not be more grateful that God had given me to such smart kind hearted parents...they would be ashamed of me now if they saw me today and what I had become. After hugs and kisses they tucked me into bed and wished me good night as well and blessed me with sweet dreams of Wonderland. However me being a cheeky and mischievous lad I decided to sneak out of bed and climb onto the bonsai tree to read chapter 7 of Alice in Wonderland. That infamous scene with The Mad Hatter's tea party...that scene would doom me for the rest of my wretched life...but nothing could compare to what was about to happen next. When reading my prized book I thought I heard a noise like glass hitting the ground, I got off the tree to check for the noise incase one of the lab animals was injured or had gotten out of its cage and started knocking over test tubes...if only it had been test tubes knocking over.

But when I entered my little home in the warmth of India,...it was about to become hellishly hot as the entire lab...had been set on fire with a nightmare of a blaze but what shocked me even more was what I saw on the ground. There...lying on the cold chemically stained floor...was my mother and father...with a bullet in their heads. As a child it was the most horrifying sight, the sort of sight which shall mentally scar for all eternity..like it did for young Bruce Wayne who has been hiding ever in his mansion in Gotham City. But there they were...dead, not moving...gone..and I was not with them...I ran out the room just before the massive explosion occurred...and I laid there on the grass and snow...a little boy watching his happiness crumble down before him...They took me back to Gotham in an open eyed coma like state with emptiness and darkness within my once crystal blue eyes...I had nobody left...except for one. The family lawyer Carlos Radcliffe was my only hope at this point as the court were tempted to send me to Arkham Asylum believing I was the culprit but luckily my lawyer defended my case while I was traumatised and I was to be put into the care of St Petersworth's boarding school for boys where I was to be educated to be the most sophisticated young gentleman in Gotham and to rival that of Bruce Wayne and Oswald Cobblepot at the same time...Three of the most wealthiest families now in the same city, three heirs of their fortune and I had no idea what to do with my newly earned fortunes at the time so I kept it safe in my account and made sure no one will ever touch it as it was safe and sound within the family bank, no greedy swine would remove it from my fundings. But money didn't matter...my parents were gone and I felt so alone during the rest of my years within the walls of St Petersworth's...I will explain my time in there in a moment my dear friends do not worry about that. But I felt miserable on this world, I had no friends my age that I could turn to for support as I was a freak to them, a weirdo, a lunatic of society to all of them....mad as a hatter to everyone in Gotham.

[rainy--dayys]

Falling for you - Sweet Pea x Reader

Words: 2669 (I am so sorry!)

Warnings: Fluff, bad writing, terrible grammar (The usual!)

Summary: It’s your first time flying on an airplane and after a terrifying encounter with a certain serpent, it’s up to him to help calm you down. 

A/N: I was getting seriously stressed whilst writing this!! I hate flying hahahh! 

To say I was nervous would be an understatement.

I was freaking the frig out!

It was my first time ever flying on a plane and I was not handling it well.

I was currently sat near my gate waiting to board my plane to Chicago. I had always wanted to leave Riverdale and visit your family in Chicago but due to school, work and finance, I had never been able to afford it, until now.

So here I was, sat between gates 32 and 33 waiting to bored the silver shuttle of immanent doom and make my way to Chicago. Seeing as Riverdale isn’t a highly populated town, there was hardly anyone around to watch me pick at my nails or bounce my leg annoyingly, which I was grateful for.

So when I heard my gate number being called which suggested that my flight would begin boarding soon, I stood up, not expecting to stumble straight into the chest of a tall, brooding man wearing a black leather jacket.

The bruit force of the collision caused myself to collapse straight to the floor, spilling the boys drink all over himself and burning me in the process.

“Hey! Watch it!” The boy cursed under his breath as he tried to wipe the substance off of his leather jacket.

“I am so sorry, oh my god how could I be so clumsy!” I rushed to stand up and apologised profusely to the boy who looked furious. I assume. I haven’t actually looked at the guy, I am WAY to embarrassed. I began to take out spare napkins from my bag and wipe his jacket in hopes of undoing the already embarrassing damage.

“Just get off of me okay? I don’t need some prissy little Northsider wiping her grubby little hands all over my jacket. Okay, just don’t touch me, ever!” The boy yelled, inches away from her face, his voice ringing in my ears.

“I-I I just wan-nted to-“ I tried but failed miserably when he interrupted, “You ju-just what?” He mocked, “You just wanted to apologise for ruining my coffee and my leather jacket in one blow? Newsflash sweat heart, I don’t run with your crowd, we don’t apologise and we don’t stutter! No noise and no sign of weakness.” He stepped forward, prompting me to take a few steps back before finding myself pressed against a wall.

By this point I had had my eyes on the floor for this entire conversation but decided to look the boy square in the eyes and give him a piece of my mind, maybe.

Okay probably not but I was going to try anyway and hopefully not stutter. Fingers crossed.

Looking up at the freakishly tall boy, our eyes meet and I couldn’t help but stare.

He. Was. Breathtaking.  

His black hair sat perfectly on top of his head. His eyes shone like pools of rippling chocolate that gazed into my soul. The snake tattoo that adorned his muscular neck didn’t go unnoticed and I couldn’t help the gasp that escaped my lips. So that’s why he acts so tough, he’s a serpent.

Pushing my body as far into the wall as possible, I realised I was staring. I quickly looked at my feet and tried to control my breathing. As much as I personally have nothing against the Southside Serpents, I couldn’t help but be absolutely petrified of their presence, I know what some of them can be like and by what I’ve experience so far, this guy may be one of the scary ones.

“Huh, figures. You were more than willing to help me out before you realised I was a Serpent,” the boy stepped closer towards my frame, leaning forward and whispering in my ear, “I despise girls like you!”

A sudden urge to stand up for myself took over me and I said “I was more than willing to help you until you and your coffee breath started scaring me you, you freakishly tall jerk!” I clasped my hands over my mouth, I shouldn’t have said that oh my god I am so dead.

Grabbing my bags and looking straight at my white converse, I brushed past the serpent and hurried off to my gate, noticing that the final calls had just begun.

I showed them my ticket and hurried off to find my seat, feeling eyes burning into the back of my head the whole way towards the plane.

Shuffling through the minute plane, I finally found my seat. The plane was small, there was two seats positioned on each side of the aisle and in total there were less than 40 seats all together.

Placing my bag in the overhead locker, I took my seat against the window and straight away plugged in my head phones to drown the sound out of the engine roaring to life. Shaking, I press play on my ‘sleep’ playlist in the hopes of sleeping throughout the entire duration of the flight.

I also hoped that my prayers would be answered and I would have a free seat next to me so that I wouldn’t annoy the poor human who had to sit next to my anxious ass all flight long.

I had had my eyes shut for a total of 6 and a half minutes (or two Dean Lewis songs) when I felt a presence sitting beside. I decided that it was best if I just kept my eyes closed and just let the poor guy have at least a moment of piece.

Suddenly, I felt the plane begin to roll backwards and I instantly gripped the arm rests, squeezing my eyes even further shut as my breathing began coming out in ragged bursts.

Once the plane was positioned and ready to go I felt a tear slip silently down my face. I was absolutely petrified with fear but at the same time completely embarrassed about how I was acting. I’m basically an adult for petes sake and I’m acting like a child.

“Ummmm, ahh. Are you alright?” A slightly familiar voice rang in my ears however I was too freaked out to notice. The voice sounded slightly uncomfortable and I felt so bad for making them feel that way.

I squeezed my eyes closed even further (If that was humanly possible) and responded, “Y-yeah, I-I’m f-fii-fine” I stuttered, “Just nervous I-I guess, I’ll be okay”.

The plane was now speeding down the tarmac, bumping and jostling around as it gained a momentous amount of speed. I felt my stomach drop as the planes wheels left the ground and began to fly through the air.

My breathing had gone from rapid to full blown panic mode as I tried, and failed to calm myself down.

I suddenly felt a hand grip my own which was currently situated on the shared arm rest. I felt eyes looking straight at me but I could bare myself to look.

“Hey, its gonna be alright ya know!” The man said, “Heaps of people go on planes every day and only like a couple of them crash or go missing!”

“That is seriously not helping,” I let out a dry laugh at his attempt to make me feel better.

“No, what I’m saying is is that there is no possible way that this plane ride could go wrong, its statistically impossible.” He tried to explain himself and although I wasn’t looking at him, I could tell he felt bad for making things worse.

“Thanks but I don’t really see a positive to this situation,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Ouch, I’m hurt. Sitting next to me can’t be that bad, can it?” He laughed and feigned hurt.

I laughed a little, feeling my anxiety slowly seeping away and I felt oddly calmer around this mystery boy. Deciding I was ready, I opened my eyes and looked directly in the eyes of the boy who helped me calm down, even if it was just a little bit.

Opening my eyes, I come face to face with beautiful chocolatey eyes, flowy jet black hair and…

A serpent tattoo.

Gasping, I rip my hand from out of his grasp and push myself further away from him.

“Oh my god, of course I was placed right next to the guy who moments before was screaming at me for spilling his drink, this can’t be happening,” I shook my head, feeling out of my depth and beginning to panic again.

In my moment of despair, I turned away from the boy and looked straight out the window.

Big. Mistake.

I was now panicking about being beaten up for insulting a serpent and being thousands of kilometres above the ground. It was all too much.

Seeing my panic the boy spoke, “Hey, hey it’s alright. I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. I actually feel terrible for how I acted out there, I’m not usually like that.” He replied, a genuine look of guilt spread across his chiselled features.

I suddenly felt a sense of calmness come over me and I felt as though I could trust the boy. Serpents did a lot of bad things but hurting women was not one of them.

I relaxed slightly and turned to face the boy, “Look, I’m really sorry for running into you before and for spilling all of your coffee and for calling you a jerk” I apologised and he smirked, a small tentative smile found its way to my lips and I suddenly felt heat spread across my cheeks.

Was I blushing? What in the world is happening?

“It’s okay, really! I shouldn’t have snapped at you anyway, a pretty girl like you deserves to be cherished like the princess you are” He smirked at me, tucking a small strand of loose hair behind my ear.

Blushing at the comment I look down, “Uhhh, by the way my names (Y/N). I feel like if we are sitting together for the rest of the flight we should at least know each other’s names.”

“Sweet Pea” He said quietly. “What was that?” I pondered.

“Sweet Pea, my name is Sweet Pea!” He said slightly louder, determined not to meet my eyes.

I stayed silent for a moment and he looked at me with pure fear in his eyes.

“Sweet Pea?” I reiterated. “That is the most-“ I was cut off by a stressed out Sweet Pea.

“I know I know, its stupid. My hippie dippie parents obviously hated me and-“

“Sweet Pea” I tried but he just kept on rambling.

“It is so embarrassing and you’re so pretty and-and-“

“Sweet Pea!” I tried a little louder, getting his attention.

“I think that it’s the most adorable name I have ever heard!” I cooed, ruffling his hair and giggling.

Pouting and grumbling, Sweet Pea began fixing his hair and trying miserably to cover the blush that spread across his plump cheeks.

“Well it is lovely to officially meet you Sweet Pea!” I smiled, reaching my hand out to shake the tall boys. He reached out and wrapped his calloused fingers around my hand and pulled it up towards his lips and pressed a tender kiss to the back of my hand.

“The pleasure is all mine, princess!” He winked as he looked me up and down.

It had been a few hours since the plane had taken off and I was feeling so much better thanks to the help of Sweet Pea. Every time the turbulence got a little too rough or when I had to get up to go to the bathroom, he would help keep me calm and level headed.

We had been talking for hours about anything and everything, laughing hysterically the entire time. The trauma from this morning’s interaction and the panic of flying had caused me to grow tired.  

A sudden yawn crept its way onto my face and I decided that right now would be the perfect time for a small nana nap. Closing my eyes and leaning against the head rest, I feel myself slip in and out of consciousness until I finally let myself be consumed by the comfort that is sleep.

My eyelids fluttered open as I heard an announcement about exiting the plane. I moved my eyes around the plane, trailing along the rows of empty seats that were once inhabited.

“Excuse me sir,” an unfamiliar voice filled my ears so I shut my eyes, “You and your girlfriend are going to need to exit the plane as we begin to refuel for the next flight!” She informs him.

I feel Sweet Pea tense up at the mention of me being his girlfriend but he does not correct her, instead he just replies with,

“Sorry about that, we’ll be off in just a moment!” He sounded so proper and so… Hot!

I suddenly feel a soft pair of lips press against my forehead and my eyes flutter open at the warm sensation. I remove myself from his shoulder, instantly missing his warmth and I begin to stretch my neck.

“So ummm, it’s time to get off the plane but you ah fell asleep on my shoulder and I didn’t want to move you cause you looked so comfortable and you’r…” I couldn’t hear the end of his sentence as he began to mumble.

“I’m sorry what?” I asked for the second time this flight. He stood up and began to collect all his things, preparing to leave the flight. As he was picking up his items, he continued to try and tell me what he wanted to say.

“Pardon?” I tried again.

“You look really cute when you sleep okay?” He yelled, the air stewards and stewardesses turned to look at the scene in front of them. Some of them awed, whilst some looked annoyed.

“And I-I really like you! And I know I’m supposed to be this tough, fist fighting serpent who sat next to you on a plane ride but,” He sighed, running his fingers through his hair, “But you make me feel something I’ve never felt before, alright? You-You make me blush at the mention of my name. You make my knees weak when you bite your lip,”

I had tears well up in my eyes and a massive smile on my face. The flight attendants were all cooing at the public announcement, giggling and awing at his declaration. Never had someone confessed their feelings for me in such a caring way.

“You make my heart skip a beat every time you giggle, and I know we only just met but… I’d really like to get to know you better!” He finished and my eyes widened in shock.

He took one look at the shock on my face and began to walk down the aisle.

“Wait!” I yelled, leaving my chair and grabbing Sweet Pea’s shoulder. Pulling him to face me, I crashed my lips into his, wrapping my fingers into his hair as he gripped my waist, pulling my body flush against his chest.

Our kiss was tender and passionate, filled with lust. Our bodies moved in unison and our tongues the same. As much as I wished our kiss would last forever, I pulled away once the cheers from the flight attendants has stopped.

Pulling away, his breathing was ragged and his eyes filled with hunger. I laughed, brushing away the loose strands of hair that had fallen during our heated kiss.

“So, I guess you really did fall for me this morning?” He laughed, grabbing his suitcase in his left hand and taking my hand in his right.

“Oh no, that was way too cheesy for my liking!” I giggled as we walked down the walk way and off of the plane. We continued our conversation the whole way through the airport and my fears of flying long forgotten.

Let’s just say that I won’t be scared of airplanes anymore because as long as I have Sweet Pea, I feel like I’m flying.