#my only guess as to when I was listening to it was somewhere in 2014-2018....? maybe somewhere in there but idk when

[tazmiilly]

music is so wild with a really broken memory. I listened to an entire song I didn't recognize the name of and followed the rhythm almost exactly. that's so cool

[youresog0lden]

Dear Y/N, Forever Yours Truly Spencer || S.R

WC: 1.1k 

WARNINGS: mention of a relapse, mention of drugs, use of gods name (I think) talk of death. Pure angst. 

masterlist

25 days of Spencer master list

Yours Truly MASTERLIST

Part 1

AN: please this literally made me cry so much. I love this one. Also listen to ‘I love you’ by Billie Eilish while reading this. 

December 14th 2013

Dear Y/N, 

I can’t believe that you were presumed dead less than twelve hours ago. I miss you and I don’t think I can handle you not being in my life anymore. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

December 25th 2013

Dear Y/N, 

My first Christmas without you for the first time in ten years. I miss you everyday, your present came in today. It was too late to cancel the order so I kept it. It was a necklace that had a picture of us from the first day we met. I guess I won’t ever be able to see you wearing it. I miss you more and more everyday. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

January 19th 2013

Dear Y/N, 

It’s crazy we’re nearing your birthday. All I can think about is what you’d be doing if you we’re here right now. Around August of last year I always pictured proposing to you in front of the Arc de Triomphe. You told me you always wanted to go there so I bought us a ticket to go for your birthday. I wanted to keep it a surprise but here we are. And you’re not here. Y/N I wish you were here. JJ had a kid. I know you would’ve loved him. Jack is getting so much bigger. Emily misses you. Derek can’t look over to where your desk is. I can’t come to the terms that you are no longer here. I keep thinking that if you were here that we’d be trying to make a kid of our own. You did always talk about them, I know that you really wanted one. I’m trying bubs. I’m trying so hard to get through this. I can’t keep doing this. I need you here in my life. Please come back, come back to me. 

-Forever yours truly Spence. 

February 26th 2014

Dear Y/N, 

I miss you.

-Forever yours truly Spencer

March 10th 2014

Dear Y/N.

Your mom came to visit today. She said that she went to your grave and that she put new flowers there. She really misses you. So does the team. I love you forever and always. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

June 14th 2014

Dear Y/N,

I haven’t written back. Mainly because I’ve been getting help. By help I mean I had a relapse. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I needed help. I still do. The drugs are the only way I’m able to see you. I’m able to hold you still. I thought I saw you the other day. I followed who I thought was you but they got away too fast. I haven’t been able to sleep well because I can’t get your face out of my mind. You’ve been gone for half a year today and I don’t think I can keep getting through this. The drugs let my mind escape from reality. I miss you so much. 

-Forever yours truly Spence. 

August 22nd 2014

Dear Y/N, 

This may be the last time I write to you for a while. My therapist said I need to move on from these letters. It's okay to write them every now and then but every month isn’t healthy. I know that. I know it isn’t. But this is my only way to feel connected to you. I met someone but I don’t think it’s going to go anywhere. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer. 

December 14th 2014

Dear Y/N, 

Today was a hard day for everyone. It’s been a year. A year without your smile lighting up everyone's life when you walk into the room. A year without endless coffee runs. A year without hearing Derek call you butterfly. A year without Hotch cracking a smile at one of your stupid jokes. A year without Emily smiling when you talk about a new song from your favorite band. A year without Garcia's small little laughs only you can get out of her. A year without JJ talking about telling you how excited she is that she’s pregnant and how you were going to be the godmother .A year without you Rossi teaching you about cigars. A year without waking up to you by my side. It’s hard Y/N. We miss you more than you could know. 

-Forever yours truly Spencer

July 27th 2015

Y/N, 

Remember when I told you about that girl. Well it’s going somewhere. She was in my AA meeting and we met and started to hang out. She was the first person to take my mind off you. I think I’m falling in love with her. She knows about you. She understands and is willing to take her time. 

-Spencer. 

October 28th 2015

Y/N,

It’s my birthday. I can’t help but think of you today. JJ, Hotch, Garcia, Morgan, Em they all called me today to tell me happy birthday. I was hoping I’d get one from you telling me happy birthday. But it’s like no matter what I keep forgetting you’re dead. I wish you weren’t god, do I ever wish. I miss you more than I should today. Maybe it’s because we never not spent our birthdays together, maybe it’s because Jolie took me to the same place you did the year before everything happened. I remember it like clock work. Actually we went to my favorite ice cream shop and when I told you I would pay you begged me to pay so I distracted you and paid. Then you told me about this fair thing that was going on so we went and you knew how much I hated roller coasters so you begged me once again to go one them with you so I couldn’t resist and the last one. We got to the top and you told me the three words and the world froze for a moment and I grabbed you and kissed you like our lives depended on it. I broke apart and I told you I loved you too. Everything was amazing until the case came in. I still love you. I will always love you. You were my first love and you will be my last. I wish you were still here. 

-Spencer

December 14th 2015

Y/N, 

Two years everyone's moving on finally. Today is the one day all of us take off to spend with you. We talk about the good times. We miss you. 

-Spencer

January 22 2016

Y/N, 

Happy birthday love you.

-Spencer

September 01 2018

Y/N, 

I’m proposing to Jolie. I love her with my whole heart and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. Thank you for teaching me how to love Y/N,

-Spencer 

November 17th 2018

Y/N, 

You’re alive.

-Spencer

TAGLIST: (message me or send an ask to be added!) @mcntsee​

[brandybradyrandyandyndy]

Mark Forster's role in the Ace Attorney franchise

Okay, first off:

I'm not a fan of Mark Forster's music, please don't take this post the wrong way

There might be some aa trilogy spoilers

Also, I admit this title is pretty bold for what I'm going to say on this topic, but I watch The Voice of Germany with my sister every week and one of the coaches is Mark Forster who I only know like five songs of in total, but his song "Au Revoir" (which is actually a terrible song btw. It's so catchy, I've had it stuck in my head since I woke up this morning and it ruined my day.) kind of reminded me of the whole "Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death." thing, because the only thing I knew about this song was the refrain:

which would be roughly translated to:

"There is nothing that's holding me back, au revoir / Forget who I was / Forget my name / It will never be the way it was before / I'm off / Au revoir"

But as I looked further into the lyrics I found out there is a "rap part" which tells you about the places the lyrical I will go to when they're away and it contains a passage that adds a beautiful twist to my theory/headcanon (I'm not sure what to call this yet).

"I'm sitting on the Mayan throne in the jungle / [...] / The phoenix is taking off now"

You see where I'm going with this? I know, it's not Phoenix who's leaving and I know the lyrics refer to the Maya Civilization from Mesoamerica, but I thought it was a funny coincidence, that not only does the word "Phoenix" appear in the lyrics of this song, but so does "Maya".

So when I first saw this part of "Au Revoir", I started imagining how Miles Edgeworth would listen to this song and like dramatically sing along to it and start crying or something, but this only posed another question:

How could this scenario happen? How and why would he even come in contact with this song?

My first guess was, Miles probably went to Germany after he left his note, because he grew up there (I think), when he had been adopted by Manfred von Karma as a child, and he heard the song somewhere in the radio because in Germany they blast Mark Forster's music in almost every public space, so there is no escape from it ever. I tried to find out, during which timespan Miles left America, just to make sure if there was a chance that he actually could have heard it on the radio.

In the Ace Attorney wiki this timespan isn't clearly mentioned, but since the last case (Rise from the Ashes) from the first game is set in February 2017 and Edgeworth returns to America in March 2018 I'm guessing, this is exactly the time window in which he's in Germany* (minus some days/weeks of course, because I don't think he'd just leave on the exact same day he had his last trial in America). *to make this easier for me I'm just assuming he spends the entirety of his travels in Germany

But this brings me to my problem, the German Charts of 2017/2018.

As you can see, the only songs by Mark Forster that were in the charts while Miles would be in Germany are the ones above. This means that it is highly unlikely that he knew of "Au Revoir" from the radio, because why would they play this old song if they could also play Mark Forster's more recent songs that are popular right now?

But when exactly was "Au Revoir" popular enough to be in the German Charts?

During my research I looked up these years, too, and it came down to 2014 (the year "Au Revoir" was released) and even a year later in 2015. So there is no way he could have known of this song if his most recent stay in Germany was in 2017, right? (I mean, unless the German people he met then, had literally no taste and forced him to listen to it.)

But I have a pretty simple and logical explanation on how he could have still known of this song, even though he probably wouldn't have heard it in Germany in 2017.

I tried really hard, but I couldn't for my life find real data on Mark Forster's demographic, so just believe me if I tell you that his demographic is mostly preteen and teenage girls. Also, it's worth mentioning that Mark Forster's music is pretty much only known in German speaking countries like Germany, Switzerland and Austria. Now, let's take a closer look at the years, in which Au Revoir was most popular: 2014 and 2015

Who could Miles Edgeworth possibly know, who in 2014/2015 is 1. German, 2. a teenager and 3. a girl? The answer is quite obvious:

His younger sister Franziska von Karma.

Considering that she was either 14 or 15 when "Au Revoir" was released, she fits Mark Forster's demographic perfectly and although I'm not 100% sure if she was in Germany then, I still believe, she must have had at least some connection to Germany in some way, maybe a German friend who she still was in contact with or maybe she had access to German tv, maybe German YouTube channels or social media. And don't get me wrong, I love Franziska von Karma and I wouldn't wish anything bad on her, but at the same time I strongly believe that she'd be the kind of girl who'd have gone through a Mark Forster phase as a teen.

Now remember that I, myself, have a sister. I know what siblings do to annoy each other and I just know from the bottom of my heart that if Franziska really was a fan of Mark Forster's music, she would blast it on any opportunity she'd get. Or she would at least talk about him and his songs with her brother. Believe me. If Franziska really listened to Mark Forster, Miles would have known of him, too. There is literally no other way. (For reference, I know every 1D member's name, birthday and relationship status, although I literally do not care about any of them at all, only because my sister is obsessed with them and talks about them 24/7. Meanwhile the only MCR member I know, is Gerard Way, even though I listen to their music on the daily.)

So here is my conclusion.

Miles Edgeworth definitely listened to "Au Revoir" by Mark Forster on the plane from Japanifornia to Germany and he also definitely cried, after he made sure nobody could see him (especially during the part "Der Phönix macht jetz 'n Abflug"/"The phoenix is taking off now"). Also, he probably listened to the song multiple times during his stay in Germany and you literally can't prove me wrong on this. I mean you could try, but I invested way too much of my time in this to actually care about another person's opinion on my shitty headcanon.

Also, the moment Franziska met Phoenix and Maya, her memories vaulted her right back to her Mark Forster phase and her hatred against Phoenix wasn't solely based on the fact that he was accountable for the conviction of her father Manfred von Karma, her hatred was also ignited by the fact that she probably had "Au Revoir" stuck in her head because of these two for the rest of the day and I just know that this must have completely ruined it for her.

Also, unrelated to anything I've said prior:

Klavier Gavin would definitely collaborate with Mark Forster on at least one song and however severe Franziska's Mark Forster phase might have been, I am convinced Klavier would have outdone her by far. I haven't played AJAA yet, but as much as I've gathered from the fandom, he's like a weeaboo but with Germany, I think? I'm absolutely sure, he wouldn't ever miss a chance like this.

Finally, here is the song this whole post is about:

[sqoiler]

There is a time vortex, and a malfunction, and in the end there are six people on top of the Wayne Enterprises building. 

They look at each other in shock and take in the matching outfits, the red and yellow and green. All of them have some idea what’s going on, who they’re seeing, except the youngest (who is really the oldest). 

“Wait,” he says, his eyes wide. “There are more Robins?”

“There must’ve been something that altered time,” says the third Robin, who is clever. He is not yet wearing the red and black costume of mourning, and when he looks at the group around him, he only knows the second and first Robins by name. “It’s the only explanation.”

“Of course,” the fifth Robin huffs, exasperated. Unlike his brother, he recognizes everyone except the sixth, and he wishes he didn’t. Under his mask, his eyes rocket skyward. “Just my luck to be stuck with you imbeciles.”

“Awfully judgemental, aren’t you?” the third Robin notes. 

“I have a 4.0 GPA,” the second Robin says. “I don’t think I’m stupid.”

All of the Robins stare at him. This is unexpected. 

“Okay, I’ll admit I don’t know what’s going on,” the sixth Robin says. “I’m barely even a real Robin, I’ve only met Batman like...twice.”

“Why are you in the costume, then?” the fourth Robin asks, her arms crossed. She’s afraid, a little, and nervous to be in the presence of all these other Robins. She doesn’t like that she’s the only girl.

“It’s complicated,” the sixth Robin says. The other Robin accepts that at face value. 

“How do we know the order?” the second Robin asks. “I mean, I know I’m second, and he’s first.” He points at the first Robin. “And apparently, after us you guys put on some real pants.”

“It’s a traditional acrobatic outfit,” the first Robin protests, and the second says, “I know, I’m just yanking your chain.”

“I’m the third,” the third says. 

“I’m next,” the fourth says, tossing her ponytail and trying to be brave. She knows the first and third Robins, although not this young. 

“I suppose I am forced to admit I am not the last Robin,” the fifth one says, glaring at the sixth, who shrugs and says, “Again, I’m not like, a real Robin.”

“What purpose did that exercise serve?” the fifth Robin hisses. 

“Well, we need a leader,” the second Robin says. “But I guess it doesn’t matter who’s technically oldest, just who’s actually oldest.”

“Why should the oldest--” the fifth Robin starts to protest, but all of these Robins are young, and to young people, the oldest is in charge. 

They look at each other. 

“Don’t look at me,” the sixth Robin says. 

“I’m eleven,” the first Robin says. The fifth blinks. 

“I’m twelve,” he admits, staring at his mentor as if just realizing that the first Robin is a child. 

“Thirteen,” the third says. “Almost fourteen.”

“And I’m actually fourteen,” the second Robin admits easily. The ones after him wince at this casual admittance of his age, at the reveal of this ticking time bomb they know will go off only too soon. 

The fourth Robin’s eyes widen. Oh no, she thinks. Oh no. 

The others are looking at her expectantly, and she clears her throat. 

“I’m sixteen,” she whispers, her voice hollow, and the others nod. 

“I’m only fifteen, anyway,” the sixth Robin says, evidently relieved, and the second one says, “Girl Robin is in charge, then.”

“I beg of you to reconsider,” the fifth Robin says, and something in the way his voice snarls makes the fourth Robin’s fists clench. She looks around at them, determined. They are all looking to her. 

“Fine,” she says. “I’ll be in charge. Our first order of business is to figure out who’s timeline we’re really in. The easiest way would be to ask Oracle.”

“Who’s Oracle?” the first Robin asks, eyes wide. 

“Don’t worry about that,” the fourth Robin says. “Everyone who can, try to get in touch.”

She touches her own ear, and the third and fifth mimic the gesture. 

Oracle does not answer any of them. 

“Okay,” the fourth Robin says. “Let’s find a newspaper. What year is it?” 

She points to the first Robin. 

“2005,” he says. She points to the second. 

“2012,” he says. 

“2014,” the third Robin says. 

“2017,” the fifth says. 

“2018,” the sixth says. The fourth nods. 

“Alright,” she says. “And I’m from 2015. Everyone remember? Okay. Let’s go find a newspaper.”

They leap from the rooftop together. The fourth Robin watches the sixth, since he said he’s new, but he has a grapple, and he can use it. They don’t go straight down, just away from Wayne Towers, and towards somewhere they can be inconspicuous. The fourth Robin is aware that she’s in the lead, and she realizes they could just go back to the Manor, that would solve their problem of what year it was. 

But no, instead she casts her gaze instinctively to the spot in the sky where the signal gleams, and it’s not there. She falters and stops at the next rooftop. 

“This isn’t a newspaper,” the fifth Robin snarks once everyone else has stopped. 

“Was the signal on?” she asks, and the others exchange a look. “Answer me!”

“Yes,” the third says. 

“Yes,” the second says. 

“Yes,” the sixth says. 

“Yes,” the first says. 

“Yes,” the fifth admits. 

“Look,” the fourth says, and she points at the sky where the signal isn’t. “Someone turned it off. No matter what year we’re in, someone turned it off.”

The others exchange looks, although none of them know each other, not as Robin, anyway. The fourth Robin remembers that she does know the third Robin, but she thinks she’s the only exception. 

“We’re going to GCPD,” she says. “We have to see why they turned the signal off.”

“What about the newspapers?” the first Robin asks. “We still don’t know what year it is.”

“If the person who messed with time turned off the signal, than we can confront them,” the fourth Robin says. 

“There could be a newspaper on the way, anyway,” the second Robin reasons.

 “Or something else to clue us in,” the third says. 

“Exactly,” the fourth Robin says. “Let’s go.”

Surprisingly, the others don’t really argue, and the fourth Robin leads the way. 

In front of the Batsignal, there are six shapes. They are standing in a perfect circle, the same distance apart. One is shorter than the others. The fourth Robin squints at them from her spot behind the signal, the others crowded around her. 

“Which is which?” the sixth Robin whispers. 

The fourth Robin gets up and goes to the back of the signal. The others follow her, even the stubborn fifth Robin. 

She signals, and the second Robin flips the switch and turns the light on. 

The six Batmen turn, five dropping into a matching fighting position and the sixth into a different one. 

“You all had better be time-displaced Batmen, otherwise we’re gonna be really mad,” the fourth Robin calls, flipping herself up to stand on top of the signal. The second and third Robins point the light at the Batmen instead of the sky. 

“Spoiler?” the Batman who seems to be in charge says. He must be the oldest, although the fourth Robin thinks it’s weird that he would call her Spoiler when she’s not that anymore. 

“Wrong,” she says, crossing her arms. She’s behind the light, and they can’t see her. “Boys, be ready.”

“How many are there?” in-charge Batman says. 

“Six,” another Batman says. Even from here, the fourth Robin can tell he’s a younger one. “There’s six of us, why wouldn’t there be six of them.”

“Chum,” a different Batman says, holding out his hand. “Come here.” The fourth Robin hears movement behind her and she holds out a hand. 

“We don’t know that this isn’t a trick,” she says. “How do we know you’re who you say you are?”

“Do you want your secret identities?” the different-Batman says. The other Batmen glare at him. 

“Come on, Rob,” the third Robin says. “We should be able to identify our own Batmen.”

“The Batmen could certainly identify their own Robins,” the second Robin says. The fourth Robin sees four of the six Batmen flinch at the sound of his voice. “I mean, come on, we all have different costumes.”

“Ours are the same,” the first says, gesturing at the second. The fourth Robin looks away from them and back to the Batmen. 

“I already know my Batman,” the fifth Robin drawls. “I am fairly sure this isn’t a trick.”

“Are you saying there’s six Robins back there?” the different-Batman says, sounding like he might laugh. There’s something familiar about him, the fourth Robin decides. Definitely not Bruce, but familiar. 

“Hm,” one of the Batmen says.

“There’s more than one Robin?” a Batman asks, and the fourth Robin knows which one that is. 

“I mean, they seem time-displaced,” she says, and the fifth Robin scoffs. 

“To hell with this,” he says, and he breaks out of the gaggle below the signal and steps into the light, heading straight for the different-Batman. 

“Language,” the different-Batman says, laughing for real this time, and the fourth Robin wonders why he would be different but the sixth Batman is still Bruce. 

“Fine,” she says. “Find your Batman, or whatever.”

The others listen to her, and leave the shadows. One of the Batmen puts his hand on the sixth Robin’s shoulder and guides him away. The first Batman permits the first Robin to hug him. 

The various Batman stare at the second Robin, except the one who claims him as the correct time. The second Robin doesn’t seem to notice. 

The last two Batmen stare at the third Robin, and the fourth feels a little sick. They’re only one year different, after all, and she knows she wasn’t the first choice of a Robin. 

She jumps from the signal but stays near it, watching their showdown and staying by herself. 

“What’s going on?” the sixth Robin asks her, dragging his Batman behind him. 

“He hates me,” she says, gesturing.

“I mean….you’re Robin, aren’t you? He probably doesn’t hate you,” the sixth Robin says. 

“I made him make me Robin,” the fourth Robin says. “He didn’t chose me.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” the sixth Batman says unexpectedly. “I had a lot of issues, back then.”

“And you don’t still?” the fourth Robin asks him, raising her eyebrow. 

“A fair point,” the sixth Batman says, and Robin’s mouth drops. He never agrees with her! “Close your mouth, Robin.”

She does, and she looks back at the Tim Trio. The third Robin seems to have claimed his Batman, and the other one is kind of watching her talk to the sixth Batman and Robin. 

“You were always one of the best,” the sixth Batman says, his voice soft and weirdly tender.

“Better than Tim?” she asks instead of addressing that, grinning. 

“Go to your own Batman,” the sixth Batman says.

“That’s not a no,” the fourth Robin sing-songs, but she listens anyway, and goes over to the only Batman by himself. 

“Fifth Batman is staring at second Robin still,” she says. “Embarrassing.”

“Actually, he’s looking at you,” her Batman says, and when the fourth Robin turns to see if that’s true, the fifth Batman has changed his gaze to look at the first Robin, instead. Some dots attempt to connect in Robin’s head, but she ignores them because that makes no sense.

“Sure he was,” she says instead. “Whatever. Let’s go home.”

The sixth Batman is in charge of the Batmen, since he’s oldest, and the Robins follow their Batmen. The Time-Turner is from 2018, but accidentally transported them all back to 2005. He apologizes profusely upon seeing six Batmen and Robins, and everyone goes back home. 

After Steph’s shower, she goes out into the cave in leggings and a t-shirt so someone can drive her back home. 

“Why don’t you stay tonight,” Bruce says, also freshly showered, and Steph blinks after him. He only lets her stay if she’s injured!

“Sure!” she says, and she follows him up into the Manor and to the hall with all the bedrooms. Before she goes into the guest room that she always uses, he clears his throat. 

“What you did today,” Bruce starts. “I mean. You were in charge?”

“Yes,” she says slowly. “They wanted the oldest to be in charge. It was Jason’s idea.”

Bruce flinches at the mention of his dead son, and then reaches out a hand to put on her shoulder. 

“I’m...proud of you,” he says, his voice a little strangled, and she stares at him, wide-eyed, until he releases her and goes to his own room, shutting the door firmly behind him. 

[ao3]

[softestsaddestbitch]

December TC Challenge

stole this from @elder-edda (sorry for creeping! just, given the usual demographic of the tc community I was excited to find another 20-smthg)

1) what color is your tc’s hair?

He has just, simple brown hair but he’s starting to go grey which, no lie, is 100% doing it for me.

2) is your tc married?

Yes? He doesn’t wear a ring and I believe she kept her last name which makes me think it’s more of a civil partnership since they’ve been together since the early 2000s at least. But he also will refer to her as “my wife” and was telling me once that they waited until “after they got married” before moving in together.

3) if yes, do you care? would you do something with them regardless of their marriage?

I know these questions are general but I do take offense at the idea of being a homewrecker/other woman. I’ve met his wife, she’s really nice.

4) what’s your worst memory with your tc?

I put my foot in my mouth SO OFTEN. Good lord. Especially my last semester at that school? He was acting weird and I had just realized after fucking ... four years?? that I romantically liked him. So I kept bringing up my weird age fixation and other bs bc I have adhd and am possibly autistic?? and can’t read a room to save my life.

5) what’s your best memory with your tc?

One year we had a really bad snowstorm, so bad in fact that I had my first-ever snow day. The college that I used to go to has four campuses across as many cities, and C has to drive in twice a week to my (old) town from his. Now, morning classes had been canceled but afternoon classes had been given the go-ahead. C, who does not check his emails until he arrives at campus, evidently did not get this message until he was already in town and therefore didn’t have a morning class, but did have an afternoon class. On this day I had a late morning class that had been reinstated, but my prof didn’t get that memo so I also was on campus but didn’t have a class. So I went to visit his office, which I had been doing throughout the semester (I didn’t have a class with him at the time) and we just ... hung out for like 2 hours. It was so nice and one of the anecdotes he told me still haunts me lol.

sidenote: at the time, I hadn’t yet realized that I liked him, but I still went out of my way to visit him. Damn I was a dumbass.

6) does anyone in your school know how you feel?

ish? I told a classmate but in a “haha joking” kinda way. And a friend who went to that school knows. No one at my current school knows.

7) does your tc know how you feel?

I think he might? might have a lil inkling which would explain why he started acting so weird my last semester. Or at the very least was told/realized how bad it could look that he was getting so chummy w/ a student.

8) do you think there’s any chance your tc reciprocates your feelings?

He and his wife have been together for around 20 years now. No. No, I don’t think so. Maybe in an alternate universe.

9) are you getting your tc a christmas present? if so, what is it?

I have in the past! Specifically like, a tin of cookies lol. I’ve also given him an actual present when I left. I do intend to send him a Christmas card every year but not this year because ... you know ... the apocalypse.

10) have you ever flirted with your tc?

Flirtation inherently has intent. So, no. How he interpreted our interactions I don’t know.

11) how long have you had a crush on them? what began it all?

SO! TIMELINE!

I was at my old school from September 2014-April 2019, I had C for the first time in September 2015. Like I mentioned above, I did not realize I had a crush on him until literally the middle of my final exam of my class with him December 2018, so I’ve only consciously had a crush for about two years now. However, as I also mentioned, I went out of my way to stop by his office, even when I didn’t have a class with him. And my relationship with/feelings towards him are complicated so I’m not going to say I did so solely because I like him, but I would put it maybe closer to somewhere in 2017. You don’t plan your schedule around someone you don’t feel strong feelings for.

12) do you believe you’ll get over them shortly after you stop taking their class/have the chance to spend time with them?

As of today, it has been been exactly a year and a half since I last him in person. In the time since, I have cried over missing him, routinely gone back to keep up with his current research projects, and made his picture a part of my home screen. I almost exclusively listen to the playlist I made for him -  so much so my Spotify Wrapped is pretty much that playlist with a few extras.

13) what kind of grades do you get in their class?

Haaaaaa pre-supension I was failing his classes. My first semester back I got .... a mid/high 70? and I finished my last class with him with an A+ and the essay I had written for his class had the highest grade between the two classes so..

14) does your tc ever do any tiny, little things that you adore?

When he puts a hand in his pocket and leans against the wall. When he tucks his hair behind his ear because he keeps falling in his face (he has long hair, a little past his shoulders). When he can’t stop himself from googling something even if its in the middle of class. How you can ask him anything at any time. The way he would chuckle at my jokes. How his handwriting hasn’t improved in decades. How easily he brushes off toxic masculinity. His candidness and willingness to share little anecdotes. The way he used to always smile whenever he saw me. That he goes home everyday to have lunch with his wife.

15) are you their favorite student?

I was! And it was obvious to other students that we had a friendly, casual relationship too. For a time, if his other students had questions about him they would ask me, and I usually had the answer. I didn’t matter in the long run, but I was. 

16) do you two share any tastes? movies, books, music, etc.

He’s a legal historian, I’m a baby legal/political historian. We also like the same historical cooking youtube channel.

17) is your teacher religious?

I doubt he would say he’s religious, but I feel like we have a similar relationship to religion which is to say no formal association, but had profound effects on our childhoods and subsequently, presumably, how we view things as adults.

18) do you masturbate to them?

Yes.

19) do you communicate with them outside of school?

I sent him a meme once. And asked about the socialist uprising scandal he was apart of. I also almost emailed him while at a museum exhibition with my history friend. These are all through email.

20) do you have any tc songs or songs you relate to your tc? what are they?

SO my number one song this year was “You are the Reason” by Calum Scott because, you guessed it, of him. But also:

I Lost a Friend - Finneas When You’re Ready - Shawn Mendes You Are in Love - Taylor Swift Break My Heart Right - James

& given the season, especially w/ what transpired last year, Last Christmas by Wham!

21) what’s your favorite thing your tc has said/memory you have with them?

One time he kinda trailed off in the middle of lecture after stating that he thought of xyz a particular way which contrasted one of the popular schools of thought, and the way he plainly said, “well, yeah, which I guess ... is I’m arguing it” almost like he was semi-surprised with himself has always stuck with me. 

But also, in addition the memory I shared earlier, we spent an hour and a half talking about grad school and what to expect and how to get there. 

22) do you plan to continue a relationship with them after you leave school?

I trid, I really did. But he doesn’t “socialize with students part or present” so I can’t exactly see him. But I did get some academic-related from him at the beginning of the year.

23) how will you deal during the summer? will you see him/her?

He’s a hermit who used my last vacation before I moved to go on all the vacations he had to postpone because he was working on his last book. And this past summer ... Covid. This question is obviously directed at high school students, but in general, he lives in the back of head always, and when I’m in my hometown for the summer my heart aches because theres a none-zero chance I’ll see him, but I know I won’t.

24) does your tc support gay rights?

Yes. He’s never been put in a position that I know of where he had to outright condemn homophobia, but in one of his classes, he actively made the choice to make the very first reading of the semester about how women in ancient times had more agency than assumed, and also how the woman in the case study was a lesbian.

25) what class do you have with them? And what period? Do you have them every day?

History classes. I won’t get into specifics because it’s kind of an eclectic mix and I’m paranoid someone from the area could come across this. But I had him twice a week every semester that I had him. Again this kind of question is more so applicable to high school students, not so much university students.

26) have you ever drifted out during a lecture thinking about them and missed information?

No. In his classes he is too enthralling, and I’m a good student otherwise.

27) have you stalked them online? what did you find out?

In theory. He’s a fifty-year-old history professor whose reaction to a description of the big lipped/tiny face filter on snapchat was “that sounds disgusting.” The man doesn’t have social media, and if he does those privacy settings are on so students can’t find him he thinks he’s very professional. I do visit his mini-bio section on the college website fairly often tho.

28) have you ever run into them outside of schools? what happened?

I did once. He introduced me to his wife, who said “oh you’re E! C has talked about you” and it apparently he had done so positively, and blew my mind because this was back when I was failing classes and also, as a person, I don’t believe that people think about me when I’m not there. They gave me a restaurant recommendation and afterwards his wife surprised me a they were leaving the restaurant because ... we had listened to them, and they also went there for lunch that day.

29) has your tc ever spoken of teacher-student relationships? what did they say?

It had recently come out that it had been found out that another professor had been in a relationship with a student and he’s the one that brought it up before class one day (with all of us not just me). He didn’t say anything for or against it, just that it was generally discouraged, but that most schools did have policies in place to handle the situation.

30) do you regret telling anyone about your tc? if you’ve kept it a secret, why have you done so?

Absolutely not. I can’t tell my best friends because they’d do nothing but give me shit for it and it would call every time I mention him into question. But the friends that I have told ... its been so freeing, and like a weight has been lifted from my heart. One friend in particular I unloaded on her all my emotional shit pertaining to him this past summer and she was so understanding it legit since then I’ve been less distraught when thinking about him. It still hurts, but it feels less like I’m suffocating now.

[in-a-cave-with]

can you make a list of every mavel comic you've ever read (good and bad) i just finished iron man (1998) and i thoroughly loved it with all its best and weird bits

GOOD™

iron man stuff:

tales of suspense (1963) – a classic. 100/10. would read several times

iron man vol 1 (1968) – i’m on, like, issue 20 out of 300 something but it’s also very very good! the drama..the action……..wig

iron man vol 3 (1998) – obv i know youve read this one anon but for anyone out there starting comics this one’s SUPER good, and also Love Is Stored In The Tonyru

iron man vol 4 (2005) – listen this comic. so great, so iconic. maya hansen! epic fights! director stark! good art except for, like, the 6 issues of execute program but execute program is such a good story arc that you wont even notice! 

iron man noir (2010) – INDIANA JONES AU TONY STARK, LITERALLY THE BEST CONCEPT MARVEL’S COME UP WITH. PEAK COMICS IRONFAM

iron man legacy (2010) – i enjoyed this one a lot! i’m kind of confused as to, like, what’s going on but it’s fun

iron man season one (2013) – ok so this is, like, a modern remake of tony’s origin story and it’s..kind of average imo but thats ok! bc you can just look at the very very pretty pictures

iron man fatal frontier (2013) – tony becomes governor of the moon and fights doom! also he takes down an ai with weaponized fanfiction somewhere in there. read this one with a .cbr reader

invincible iron man vol 2 (2015) – gonna maybe fuck around and rec bendis’ entire iron man run bc . the art is gorgeous and the story isn’t the strongest but tony’s characterization is v good 

international iron man (2016) – ok i dont remember what happens in this one but alex maleev’s art is literally god 

invincible iron man vol 3 (2016) – RIRI WILLIAMS!!!! AND ALSO AI TONY STARK (MY SON MY BOY WHOM I LOVE)!!!!

other stuff:

new avengers vol 1 (2005) – as i have said before. new avengers GOT the sauce. stevetony and caroljess on one team was too powerful so marvel had to break em up with civil war . also stop reading this comic when you get to civil war

civil war: casualties of war (2007) and civil war: the confession (2007) – these are both oneshot comics and also the Only Civil War Content You Need To Subject Yourself To

spider-man noir (2010) – a break from the avengers stuff to tell you that this comic is very brutal and also very good

secret invasion (2010) – ok avengers emh did it better™ but this is still very neat! also it’s pretty trippy so its got that going for it too

siege (2010) – i dont understand what’s going on but the art is very good. also the avengers get to beat up norman osborn’s bitch ass

avengers prime (2011) – apparently this is the “stevetony bible” and …honestly there isn’t anything i can say in objection to that

avengers vol 4 (2010) – this comic is SUPER fun. after the fear itself tie ins the art and story get pretty eugh though so be careful

fear itself (2012) – BEST BEST BEST!!! my favorite crossover event in comics, with cool art and a badass storyline

captain marvel vol 4 (2012) – can we get a yeehaw for CAROL DANVERS . hell yeah. this is her first run with the name captain marvel and it’s Very Good

avengers: the enemy within (2014) – captain marvel vol 4 ends on a cliffhanger and the storyline’s capped off here

avengers vol 5 (2013) – ok so *clown noises* i haven’t exactly finished it but…this is the One Was Life The Other Was Death comic and it’s super good from what ive read so far

hawkeye (2013) – matt fraction’s run! everyone and their dog wants you to read it and you absolutely should if you have not. not too sure abt the volume numbering but heres a link to download in TPBs, it’s volumes 1-4

captain marvel vol 5 (2014) – this is the volume featuring chewie (!!) and carol in outer space with the guardians of the galaxy (!!!). super fun in general, would read again

ms marvel (2014) – again i am VERY confused as to what the official issue/volume numbering is, but here’s a list of TPBs that collect pretty much every kamala khan comic pre 2019 (im gonna rec all of them bc kamala is a treasure)

doctor strange vol 3 (2015) – literally everything i want from a comic tbh, also chris bachalo’s art is amazing

marvel 1872 (2015) – no one actually calls this Stevetony Bible 2 but lbr it’s basically Stevetony Bible 2

all-new all-different avengers (2015) – BEST AVENGERS TEAM EVER. EVER. PLEASE BENDIS WHY DID YOU BREAK THIS TEAM UP IM SAD

the unbelievable gwenpool (2016) – oh god oh fuck it’s miss GWEN POOLE . this comic is super funny and also surprisingly heartfelt, plus the art is . mmm.

champions (2016) – the gen z superhero team, i love all of them so much. i can almost forgive marvel for ending anad avengers

hunt for wolverine: adamantium agenda (2018) – so this is, after 11 goddamn years, closure for the first civil war regarding tony and the new avengers that sided with steve. amazing.

the life of captain marvel (2018) – the carol origin retcon is…eh. but it’s still very good! think of it as carol’s international iron man

avengers: back to basics (2018) – kamala goes back in time and accidentally reveals tony’s secret identity and it’s the funniest fucking thing

captain marvel (2019) – the first issue is everyone bullying tony which sucks but DONT LET THAT GET YOU DOWN bc it’s, like, actually good and also tony appears more in later issues without getting bullied

war of realms (2019) – i guess it’s a marvel rule that all crossover comics having to do with asgard are Top Notch? anyway

loki (2019) – AMAZING loki shenanigans and also the REAL reason you needed to read war of realms tbh

ironheart (2019) – gosh i love riri williams so much she’s so GREAT and you should DEFINITELY READ THIS

QUESTIONABLE™:

invincible iron man vol 1 (2008) – matt fraction’s iron man run…it’s ..ok story wise? however the characterization is a lil off at times and the art is HORRIBLE

iron man vol 5 (2013) – ok so this comic is super weird ? because it’s nice that tony spends time out in space but also it confirms that he’s a furry apparently. pretty much the only truly average iron man comic

avengers vol 8 (2018) – okay so i really like the art and the story’s okay but there’s a bit where tony flirts w carol and it’s the most ooc thing ive ever seen and that’s enough to land it in the questionable category

tony stark: iron man (2018) – i debated over whether to put this here or in the Bad™ category BUT valerio schiti’s art is too beautiful and the rhodeytony content fuels me. also issues 12 and 13 (war of realms) written by gail simone are pretty good. unfortunately dan slott wrote the rest and it AINT IT CHIEF

gwenpool strikes back (2019) – it starts off strong in the first issue but goes downhill from there and tbh it’s not really respectful of the previous gwenpool run

magnificent ms marvel (2019) – ok listen i love kamala a lot but if theres gonna be a romance plot between her and bruno it’s the electric chair

BAD. AVOID AT ALL COSTS™

iron man vol 2 (1996) – just. don’t touch this. it’s a hot mess

civil war (2006) – i hate this. so much. it’s unreal. all you need to know is that steve was real close to killing tony in the end but surrendered when he saw that he no longer had the moral high ground. and also steve got assassinated right before he was going to be put on trial

mighty avengers (2007) – this comic had the potential to be SO good. unfortunately the artists for the actual avengers issues don’t respect women at all

superior iron man (2015) – they made tony evil and i could not be more angry with it. who even fucking wants to read this theres not even any emotional payoff for any of this

civil war ii (2016) – i would hit this stupid comic in the knees if i could. there is not a single c*vil w*r with rights. all you need to know is that carol put tony into a coma and it’s super ooc

iron man 2020 (2020) – listen i know this comic hasn’t come out yet but it has all the ingredients to be EVEN WORSE than superior iron man which is saying a lot.

this took way too much effort

[s-trawberryv-eins]

An Introduction

(NOT MY GIF)

AN INTRODUCTION TO CAROLINE STARK

A/N: Hi! Thanks for reading! So, after months of waffling about wanting to write, I finally sat down and did it. It’s pretty complicated, so it’s pretty important to read this one before you start with anything else. I’ve created an original character, who lives in a slightly alternative universe to the one we were left with after Endgame. I’d like to state that none of my personal changes are reflections of my opinions of what DID happen, but in order to build her as I wish, some things needed to be slightly different.

1)    Steve didn’t go back to Peggy after he returned the stones

2)    Hulk and Banner didn't become one, they’re still two separate beings

3)    Natasha was brought back by Steve as he was able to return the soul stone in return for her life

4)    The compound was rebuilt after the Battle of Earth. There is a memorial for Tony where he died.

A few other things to note:

1)    My first piece of writing will be a background that is applicable to all of the fics. However, many of them will be stand alone, unless I state otherwise. I’ll be creating a masterlist which will lay everything out very clearly, but please feel free to ask if you need to 😊

 Thanks for reading the boring stuff. Everything will be up soon!

 Summary: An introduction to the secret Stark sister. Who is she? Why was she kept a secret? And what happens when everybody finds out?

 Warnings: Abandonment, injury, PTSD, death, blood, but there's plenty of soft love too.

 Word count: 1921

 SUMMER 2004

MALIBU, CALIFORNIA

"Yes, yes, two seconds!" Tottering over to the front door of her bosses lavish Malibu home, Pepper Potts grumbled under her breath, annoyed by the fact that she was the one answering the incessant knocking. "I’m not your maid, Tony!” Sighing, she unlocked the door and prepared to shoo whichever reporter, play bunny, or cold caller had decided that 10 PM on a Tuesday evening was a good time to show up. However, she was greeted with something entirely unexpected.

“Oh! Hello! Are you lost? Where’s your Mom?" In front of Miss Potts stood a small girl, 7 years of age, a sparkly pink bag held tightly in her little hand. Pepper greeted the young girl with the cheeriest voice she could manage in her surprise. Sticking her head out of the door, she looked around, but with a furrowed brow she realised that they were alone. There wasn’t another figure or car in sight.

“Momma said I had to give you this." In her tiny outstretched hand was a thick envelope. "She said my Daddy lives here.” The look on her face told Pepper that she knew exactly what had happened. Even as young as she was, she had an obvious maturity that would break hearts. Her mother had abandoned her, and the girl understood that entirely.

With eyes so wide it hurt, Pepper took the envelope, peeking inside to find a passport, a letter, and a photograph of Mr Stark and a woman. The girls' mother, Pepper presumed. Shock was written into the PAs face, but she forced a smile all the same. After a quick look at the passport, she ushered the child inside.

"Come on in, Caroline. We’ll sort you out, okay?”

 LATE 2008

NEW YORK

A series of loud bangs on her bedroom door pulled Caroline from her daydream. Not even having a chance to respond, the door burst open and three young girls practically fell into her room.

“Turn the TV on!"

“As if you weren’t famous enough!"

“Did you know? You must've known?!"

Wide eyed and clueless as to what her friends were talking about, Caroline blinked back gormlessly as Amelie grabbed the remote and turned the TV on.

“What channel?“

“Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?" The 11-year-old spoke up, and all three heads turned to face her, humour in their eyes as they stated what was seemingly obvious.

“Your dad, Care.” Caroline knew her Father had been in some trouble. Happy had shown up outside the halls of residence, whisking her away immediately. The panic set in as her heart sped up violently. As the girls scrambled through the channels, they froze as a man in a suit appeared on the screen. Caroline's dad. Tony Stark. They watched in awe as he addressed his audience. As his daughter, she'd watched a few press conferences before. They were a bore, however, she couldn't lie.

The TV remote fell from Amelie’s hand as he spoke the four words that changed history.

“I am Iron Man.”

 MAY 2012

MANHATTAN, NEW YORK

Footage of the Chitauri destroying the very ground she stood on flashed through Caroline’s mind. Gripping Happy’s arm as she sobbed, the 14-year-old girl cried out desperately for her Father. Their relationship had been very rocky for a while. He’d rejected his new responsibility at first, leaving Pepper to parent the girl. He’d even shipped her off to boarding school, where he further pushed away his long-lost child. It wasn’t until Pepper dragged him by the sleeve to the young girl’s dorm room and forced him inside that he’d actually spoken to his daughter. From there, they established a solid relationship. Caroline, of course, fell head over heels for her Father. He could do no wrong in her eyes. That never changed, even as she grew.

Fear wracked her body at the thought of Tony not surviving the battle. Staring at the sky, she prayed and prayed that he return from that giant swirling hole of death that currently dominated New York. When she saw his body fall through the sky, her fear both vanished and increased ten-fold.

-

Later that evening, JARVIS informed her of her Fathers arrival at the beaten-up tower. Racing to find him, she threw her arms around his neck and cried. She cried and cried until she ran out, but she never let go of his hand.

 MAY 2015

NOVI GRAD, SOKOVIA

“Daddy?” Her voice came out a whimper. She felt weak and small.

“Hey baby girl, I’m uh…I’m guessing you’ve seen, right? Yeah, it’s bad, Care.”

“Dad, what’s going on?”

“Listen, baby, I’ve gotta end this. Me and Thor, uh, we think we’ve got a way. A lot of people will die if we don’t do this. You're the best thing, you know?" His voice was soft, even as he continued to fight off robots and save the world. The line grew staticky and Caroline couldn’t stop the tears that spilled from her eyes. "I'm so glad you showed up on my doorstep all those years ago. I’m sorry for taking so long."

“Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye? Daddy you're scaring me!” Her voice was a desperate whimper, and a pain in her chest bloomed violently.

“I love you, Caroline. Remember th-" Horror erupted over her features as the line went dead. Not knowing whether she'd ever see him again, she made her way to New York, her heart dragging painfully behind her.

 NEW YEARS EVE 2015

AVENGERS COMPOUND

UPSTATE NEW YORK

Caroline and her Father walked through one of the many laboratories of the new compound. On her 18th birthday the Stark girl was offered a position as a biomechanical engineer for the new era S.H.I.E.L.D. program, built following its collapse in 2014. Taking after her Dad, she had excelled in school, and to the amazement of her new bosses, had landed a glowing recommendation from Iron Man himself. The decision for her to live under a different last name to Tony was one he himself had requested in a bid to keep her safe for as long as he could. She had never really met the other Avengers, and only three other people knew of her existence; Pepper, Happy, and Natasha Romanoff. It was easy enough to hide her identity.

Caroline didn’t mind too much. She could still see her parents as much as she pleased, and it prevented any special treatment from schools and professors. Those around Caroline herself knew; her school friends knew, she didn't want to keep a secret from them, and besides, she didn't know any better when she told them at 8 years old.

“How’re you settling in? Are you sure this isn’t too soon? This is too soon. I’m taking you-“ midway through his rambling, Tony realised his daughter both lived and worked at the compound, rendering his threat useless. "I'll take you somewhere. Details, schmetails."  

“Dad! Calm down! You’re spiralling. I’m fine, I’m settling in just fine! Now come on, I need to meet everyone.” A proud smile graced the young girls features as she tried to rid her rather of any worry. With a sigh, he took his daughters hand in his own and led her to the Avengers quarters. Separating just before they entered the room, Caroline took a shaky breath.

“Folks gather round. This is our new Doc. With Banner MIA," his brows drew together as he spoke, and his gaze fell to the floor for a second before finding Caroline "she’s our go to! This is Caroline. Caroline Lockwood.”  A half smile appeared on his face, the bittersweet moment getting the best of him. After a few brief introductions, the girl bid them goodbye to get ready for one of Tony Starks famous New Year’s Eve parties.

 JUNE 2018

AVENGERS COMPOUND

UPSTATE NEW YORK

Pepper sat with her daughter, a blanket around the two of them as they hid. They sat in silence, unable to find the words. Trying to maintain hope when everything around them told them to give up was the hardest battle they'd fought yet. “Momma? We’ll be fine, right? We always win.” Her voice nothing but a whisper in the darkness, she felt her adoptive mothers’ fingers tighten around her own.

“We'll be fine, baby. Your Dad will do what he always does. He'll save us. He'll save everybody.” The sad smile on Caroline's face couldn’t be seen in the dark, but Pepper could tell the moment that it fell. She felt the energy in the air shift. Did they lose? “Baby? Baby what’s wrong?" Placing her soft hands either side of her daughter’s face, she gasped sharply as the blanket fell around them, no longer supported by two bodies. Instead, a dark ash took the place of the youngest Stark.

“I’m sorry, Momma" she choked out before disintegrating completely "I'm sorry.”

Pepper was left alone, covered in heartbreak, grief, and the ashes her child left behind.

OCTOBER 2023

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

"Hey, sweetie. Do you want Mom?" Morgan shook her head and stepped closer to her sister.

“Can you help me? You’re my sister.” With sad, glazed over eyes, Caroline nodded. It's not difficult to sympathise with the two girls. Morgan knew all about her big sister. Stories were told, and pictures were framed in every inch of the house. Morgan idolised her before she’d ever met her. And when, by some miracle, they did meet, it was a few days before their fathers’ funeral. Two days before that, Caroline had been dead.

Dead.

It'd been one hell of a week.

To say the oldest Stark sister walked on eggshells around the younger one would be an understatement. Allowing their relationship to be on Morgan’s terms was the least she could do. The thought that Morgan may reject her completely never left her mind, despite Peppers constant reassurance. “I can braid your hair, if you’d like. Momma taught me when I was a little girl."

-

"Where's Morgan?" Pepper's voice barely registered in Caroline’s brain. She could feel herself drifting further and further away every day. But she didn't have the strength to fight it.

“Happy took her for cheeseburgers.” A hint of smile traced her mouth, but it didn't stick. It never stuck. The bags under her eyes were heavy and dark, and the once rich brown of her eyes seemed to have dulled miserably. After receiving her own private recording from Stark, she felt as if she'd broken completely. Turning to face Pepper, she struggled to continue, her voice hoarse from crying and screaming in the night. "They should be back an-"

“MOMMY SISSY UNCLE HAPPY BOUGHT EXTRA.” Watching the tiny girl stumble through the door, a brown paper bag clutched tightly to her chest, Caroline just stared in awe. Of course, Morgan was too young to really understand what happened. She missed her Daddy, and she knew he wasn’t coming home, but she managed to smile. Her eyes shined bright as ever. The world hadn't tainted her hope, it hadn’t torn away her faith.

It would be so, so easy to just let go. To just give up and fall into the oblivion that called her name. But in doing so, she'd miss even more time with her sister. Watching her eat with a pensive look on her face, clutching on to Pepper and watching all the strangers around her, Caroline made a choice. She could do it for Morgan. She could hold on and keep going.

So, she did.

TAGS:

@bucky-castiel​

[wordstrings]

Inbox dump 

(brace yourselves, I’m including the timestamps because these have been sitting forever and you may literally forget ever having sent one of these because they’re from so long ago 😬)

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Anonymous said: March 11th 2014 *Clears throat* Non-canon verse, uni AU probably *strums guitar and takes a deep breath* DUEEEEE TO A COMPUTING errORRR, dean and gabe are stuck as roomatesssssssss, whilesamandcascanbestucktogethertoo that'snotaneccesitybutitwouldbegreaaaaaaaaattttttttt, and veeery soon it turns into something of a friendship BUT THEEEENNNN dean fights with saaAAAM and gabe is like "dude stop being so upset" aND FLUFF HAPPEeeeeeEEEEEEeens! *stands up and bows* tyvm for accepting debriel though like omg <3

I’ve been rewatching some of Supernatural seasons 5 and 6 this past weekend, and it reminded me how much I love and miss Gabriel. I still maintain that Debriel is a super-underrated ship. The manic-chaos potential is *muah*. (see: #Debriel)

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Anonymous said: August 7th 2018 psst... light back tickles while cuddling in bed are pure™ and wholesome™

Good shit good shit good shit

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Anonymous said: September 19th 2018 I love science and go to public seminars as often as I can. I walked in to the most recent one (which I had picked at random), and it was on the science of tickling. There were demonstrations. There were hand gestures and finger wiggling. There were in depth descriptions of the anatomy and physiology behind ticklish spots. It was legitimately your Amateur Production’s fic, and I was Kevin. Worst of all it was 2 hours long. I think I died during it and my soul was sucked into hell.

Uhhhhhh where can I get a copy of the slide deck?? Asking for a friend. (see: #series: Amateur Production)

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Anonymous said: September 23rd 2018 your art skills have me shook in the best possible way

aaaahh thank you! Fun fact: I went to art school and even took illustration as a concentration area but I’ve hardly drawn anything for like ten years. When I do draw, it’s usually because there are feelings that I don’t wanna do words about. (see: #strings does art)

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Halo!anon said: September 27th 2018 A small, sinful part of Castiel had the urge to gloat. It was somewhat dampened by the fact that Dean was still under the impression that being abducted is peak romance."I can't believe you went out of your way to set up our second date!" He'd squealed, as Castiel tightened his restraints. - little excerpt of a sequel to Date Nights with Demons i had planned for months but abandoned. halo!anon

Your demented version of Demon!Dean is so entertaining 😄 (see: Date Nights with Demons)

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Anonymous said: November 6th 2018 Aaaaah your Gabriel / Kali drabble was adorable, I can't help but love seeing our mighty archangel reduced to a mass of giggles, and you write Gabriel so so well <3. I love your writing your stories always brighten my day ^^

It’s so rare for him to let his guard down, isn’t it? But when he does, he has a grand old time of it. :) (see: this drabble)

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sarah-lou-who said: November 8th 2018 1/4 Boo! The ghost of my online presence in the community is peeking its head in because I need help. I don’t have a platform or following to sound an alarm, so I’m using my platonic tumblr wife’s platform and following for me, because that’s what platonic tumblr wives do. Right? Anyway, I’m very actively fixated on Attack on Titan atm. You know this very well. You also know my predicament. I seem to have exhausted the entire supply of tickly AoT content I’m interested in that exists currently. 2/4 So, if you’re willing to publish these for me, I’m crying out into the vast TFB lands hoping that there’s someone out there to answer the call. I am in desperate need of tickly AoT content. I don’t know if anyone around here writes for it much these days. I haven’t found anyone. And I know beggars can’t be choosers, but it can’t be helped; I really only care if Eren is involved. Even better would be Levi, but I haven’t found ANYTHING involving him, so I feel like asking for that is futile. 3/4 I digress. Even after all this time I can’t keep my asks less than 50 parts long. So my goal here is that someone, somewhere, will by chance come across these, and be able and willing to either write fic of the tickly variety for Eren and/or Levi from Attack on Titan, or direct me to someone who can, if they know a person who knows a person who knows a person. (Sidenote, hi anyone who still remembers me! It’s Sarah, the more ticklish half of Leerah. I’m doing good and I miss you!) 4/4 (I hope you’re all doing well!) Thank you for letting me take advantage of your devoted followers, Strings! Love yaaa!!!

Ah, my platonic tumblr wife Sarah returns! (Digitally, anyway. Reality-wise, we hang out all the time and it’s probably very rude of me to have not published this ask for so long!) I keep teasing her that she has a Type, and that is dark-haired sulky badass who’d probably make a wicked ‘ler – AoT Levi, SPN Cas, FMA Roy, etc. So anyway, if anyone knows of somewhere I can point her to find the content she’s (still) craving, lmk!

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Anonymous said: October 23rd 2019 I’m sorry if this is invasive in any way, but how is Sarah doing? I’ve been absent from Tumblr for a couple years and I see that her blog is now deactivated. I was just wondering if she’s doing alright and if she’s still around here on a different blog maybe?

See above! She doesn’t have a TFB community blog anymore, but she’s doing well. We’re quarantine buddies and helping each other out a lot. Very kind of you to ask! <3

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Anonymous said: December 2nd 2018 Hi, sorry to bother you but do you know what happened to prodigal-anon’s blog? It seems to have been deleted. Sorry again if you’ve been asked this before

No worries, friend! Here’s an answer for you!

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Anonymous said: December 13th 2018 I LOVE THE LOOPY SERIES! I love it so much, is there any chance you’ll be doing a part four? I’d give anything to see Cas and Dean tickle each other, it would be so cute 😍

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I haven’t entirely stopped writing... and Loopy 4 is one of those unfinished pieces that has seen a few additions lately. :) I’ve learned not to make promises about when something might get finished and posted, but I genuinely do believe this may be one of the first things that shows up once I’m ‘back in the game.’ Stay tuned... (see: #series: Loopy)

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Anonymous said: January 1st 2019 No no no you can't just stop there! I need more fluffy destiel with tickles and kissing! Pretty please?

I believe this is in response to Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight. Don’t you worry, anon – Dean and Cas are not done being fluffy on this blog!

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1832wasalongtimeago said: January 25th 2019 Hi I just wanted to pop in and say the Maintenance series is amazing!! The second part was doing things to my poor heart I’ve read it like 5 times already. You’re such an amazing writer and thank you fo writing for us!

I’m very flattered, but I can’t take credit for the Of Maintenance series – that’s the lovely work of ask-flip-frost! It does things to my poor heart, too, so you’re in good company. :)

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Anonymous said: January 26th 2019 Sam Winchester can take a lot of things. The one thing he CAN'T take? Someone using baby talk on him when he's being tickled. He collapses into a puddle of helpless giggles faster than a house of cards in a stiff wind.

Precious Sammy just needs to laugh and be held, doesn’t he? <3

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Anonymous said: May 17th 2019 Thor needs tickles. So. Damn. Much.

Oh this was from right after Endgame came out. Thor did make me feel some sads there. :( Poor bab.

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Anonymous said: July 25th 2019 hi! i’ve read your wonderful fics forever but i’ve never really sent anything like this before so i don’t really know what to say.. but i had a destiel tickly thought and really wanted to share it with somebody, so here goes i guess- dean is taking too long in the shower so cas decides to use his mojo from the other room to speed things along. and listens to dean’s echoey laughs through the door. that’s all. sorry if this is weird! okay bye have a good one

This is not weird and I may have delayed in telling you any of my feelings about it but I definitely have a doc somewhere that has some vague notes about how I’d like to write this because I like it!

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Anonymous said: August 6th 2019 Anhhgff your Good Omens tword fics are so cute snvfddf i never knew I needed that of my favorite husbands till now😳😍

I know, right?! They’re just dying to be dropped into every fluffy situation. (see: #Good Omens)

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Anonymous said: July 25th 2019 Poking my head in to say hello, hope you’re doing well still! I just got into Good Omens and I absolutely loved your fic! (I watched the show first because my book was taking too long in the mail lol) Also, the other week I somehow talked myself into making a tfb blog, after all these years of almost doing so before chickening out (this ask isn’t from it because I just hopped in here briefly in a private phone browser to say hi, it’s literally just august-anon though) ~August!Anon

August!anon, I’m always so happy to see you stop by! Tagging your (not-so-new anymore) blog so everyone can check you out: @august-anon​

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hey-teenblog said: August 4th 2019 I love your fanfiction very much! They give me a lot of pleasant emotions. And most importantly, they, saturated with tenderness and love, gave me to accept myself as lee!! sorry for my english, i'm russian Love you 😘❤️

I will never tire of hearing things like this! Thank you for telling me. “Saturated with tenderness and love” is a such wonderful compliment about my writing – thank you very much! No need to apologize for language differences; I’m always impressed with anyone who manages to pick up English because it’s bonkers. 

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Anonymous said: August 23rd 2019 Hi! Just found this blog and wondering some basic info. ** What fandoms do toy write for? ** Do you accept prompts? ** Do you write reader insert fics? Thank you lovley ❤️

Anonymous said: August 29th 2019 Do you write tickle fics for bnha?? Asking for a friend 👀👀

The only fandoms I have reliably been able to write for are Supernatural and Good Omens – but even Good Omens is a rookie player here. Supernatural is my main jam, and Destiel is my favorite flavor. I don’t do reader inserts, but I’m always “accepting” prompts. I just haven’t written many of them for quite a long time now, so you’re welcome to drop them as long as you’re okay with them collecting dust. (see: this selfsame post)

My About/FAQ page is very dusty right now, too, but there might be some useful tidbits in there for you.

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Anonymous said: November 12th 2019 okayokayokay. Have you watched Lucifer? It's on netflix, it's great, so much emotions and pining. (Also, y'know, reg. Luci stuff. He runs a club. Bad jokes. It's great.)

I haven’t, but it’s on my Netflix watchlist, so I’ll get there eventually! I saw a gifset once where he actually did the thing I see in winged fanfic all the time, where there was gunfire and he sheltered someone he cared about with his manifested wings. And honestly, that was the deciding factor for me.

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Anonymous said: November 16th 2019 Oh Man U listen to Critrole as well! Nice! Campaign 1 was awesome but also heartfelt and really gut-punching at points. Who is your fav so far, anyone you aren’t fond of? (& Out of interest do you have any tickle related thoughts on the main crew or upcoming Fics we can look out for? As you said it’s tumbleweeds out here for this fandom’s tickles and I’ll take anything really 😂!) Hope u enjoy!!!!!

It’s STILL tumbleweeds out here and it’s making me crazy! My heart belongs to Vax primarily, Percy secondarily. I don’t really have cohesive thoughts or headcanons about anything, unfortunately. I do have this one mental picture that keeps coming up that I keep wanting to see art of (who knows, maybe I’ll commission somebody someday?) – of ridiculous brute Grog just lifting Vax straight up in his arms and gettin’ wiggly with his fingers while all Vax can do is laugh and pry and kick while absolutely nobody helps him.

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Regarding #series: Accessor:

Anonymous said: August 31st 2015 I would like to see accessor!verse cas using feathers on Dean!!! and NIBBLES and RASPBERRIES and TEETH and TONGUE and WOWWWWWW

ME TOO, FRIEND. It’s been aaaaages since I published anything new for the Accessor AU, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been going back to my unfinished docs every once in a while to add a few lines here and there. ;) 

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Anonymous said: October 29th 2016 Prompt: Cas is put in charge of getting a treaty with a neighboring country that shares a lot of the same customs, including Accessories, with certain... twists (think Bracelets AU) and treats their personal slaves (like Accessories) like people (listening to opinions, giving proper care, etc.). The foreign diplomats keep bringing that up and talking to Dean. Cas isn't sure he can make it though the diplomatic proceedings. Also, he might be having improper thoughts about that custom and Dean...

I’m posting this here, but I’m definitely keeping this filed elsewhere because it’s FANTASTIC.

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Halo!anon submitted: June 4th 2018 I can’t help but imagine how tickling must play a part in other aspects of society in the accessor ‘verse, besides the sessions between master and accessory. So here’s some imagines and headcanons, with a touch of worldbuilding. (Warnings, besides the usual for this AU: death mention, reference to past trauma.)

- Among the high class, during parties and other celebrations, it’s seen as a common courtesy to string up one’s personal accessory in the center of the room and let the guests entertain themselves with them. Lord Castiel never does this with Dean, much to his fellow nobles’ disappointment; the mere suggestion had Dean quaking as things he’d rather forget came back to bite him.

- Every so often, a petty criminal(the poor man’s accessory, if you will) is placed in stocks in a small town’s square and left at the mercy of the very people they used to menace. What happens next usually involves honey, some sheep, and plenty of begging. A guard stands by to warn people, “No hurting, only tickling. Everyone please wait your turn, they’re not going anywhere any time soon.”

- Certain monastic healers perform tickle therapy as a treatment for anxiety, stress, and other “diseases of the soul”, as they call them. Balthazar himself proposed the idea, because of course he did. The rich usually indulge in this kind of therapy secretly, due to its undignified nature. Some contemplate the possibility of training accessories to tickle in the future, but it’s still a big taboo.

- Every town has a folktale about a tickle monster. Curiously, many of them involve controlling plants and attacking through dreams. The southern communities still have a giggle remembering that one time six years ago when Michael offered to hunt down one such monster and came back with Crowley, a sleazy drunkard with a fetish and a dream, sitting in a cage and wearing a mask.

- The Masters sisters, Lillith, Meg and Ruby, have a long history with law enforcement. Their favorite pastime is snatching unlucky merchants off the roads and tickling them into coughing up everything they have. Everyone is sure they had a hand in Fergus"Crowley" Macleod’s untimely demise by ferocious attack hounds, but they’re very good at covering their tracks. They’ll help you cover up your tracks too, if you’re a friend- ask Bela Talbot.

I might make a second part if I get any more ideas. I hope you enjoyed this! -Halo!anon.

I am very fond of you indeed, Halo!anon. These are so creative!

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hypahticklish submitted: July 24th 2018 Accessor!Ideas:

~ Gabriel leads a furious rant regarding Prince Lucifer/Sam to Castiel, relating back to perhaps dealings he has directly had with the Prince between their two unstable-yet-truced Kingdoms. Castiel relates with similar views shared by Gehenna’s councilor(s).

~ Dean and Sam BM where the audience learns more about their homevillage. Dean starts it after a rather morose remark from Sam and ends with Sammy smiling and stealing my heart.

~ Balthazar helps Sam in several ways: 1) Learns the Sam was originally a psuedo-Advocates apprentice, as well as herbalist nephew when Sam identifies the components to some salves/medicines he’s making (he had been explaining what he was doing in an attempt to spare himself being attacked like the first couple times) 2) Calls Sam out on being intelligent and making a recklessly stupid choice by selling himself to find Dean. 3) Removes Lucifers mark. And maybe perhaps: 4) Allows Sam to assist in his own healing/medicine making under his careful observation, feigned as needing two sets of hands to do correctly and his assistant was running an errand, to assess his skills. 5) Offer he work in the hospice under him, apprenticing, should Gabriel allow his intelligence not go to waste. It’s not what Sam really wants to do/learn, but it’s better than doing nothing.

~Dean officially thanks Castiel for saving Sam. I’m talking full feels, single man tear sorta thing. And Castiel says “there was never another option” and then its schmoopy sweet with the kisses and the tickles and the Cas saying he loves Dean back!!!!!!!! swoon.

~ Kali!Likes!Sam’s!Spirit! Give me a dinner scene with Gabriel, Kali and Sam where hes holding his own in a diplomatic conversation with them when he nearly crosses a line (maybe something classist? Making it clear that Cas and Gabe are the exception to his experiences) and she says “I like this ones fire. He reminds me of you, my love.” *grabby hands*

~ Prince Lucifer sends a message to Gabriel requesting (threatening) his Helpmate be returned to him for a handsome reward. Sam somehow sees letter and gets spooked because DRAMA. Gabriel responds to Lucifer with the Chief Advocate equivalent of “Fuck Off”

You, my friend. YOU. All these feelings about Sam? Top-notch, and I shall be borrowing them, yes I shall.

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Regarding #android!Cas:

hypahticklish said: January 23rd 2016 Android!Cas deciding today is the DAY. Dean has been teasing him lately that he likes these strange sensations that have him using all his back-up generated power to not accidentally break Dean's bones and challenging him with that cocky smirk and relaxed confidence. Android!Cas practicing during time while Dean rests with holding objects with similar density to the human wrists with enough gentle force that they neither fracture or slip from his grasp. Android!Cas surprising Dean by turning the tables and pinning his wrists over his head while settling himself on Dean's thighs. Android!Cas not necessarily tickling at first so much as just touching like he had been wanting to so as to catalog how his best friend feels with his new technology. Android!Cas feeling that bubble of FEELS in his chest as he listens to Dean swear at him with positive physical actions negating his harsh words, growing more amused as the bubbling giggles begin. I love Android!Cas 

Anonymous said: January 23rd 2016 Android!Cas figures out his own strength comes in handy for more than just retaining himself during tickle fights. When he surprises Dean, Dean tends to squirm and fight back a little (even though he told Cas to get him back as part of the experience), so Cas uses his strength to gently hold Dean down while ticking him. Dean's never been held immobile before so it's a new experience for him, but he ends up liking it. Cas notices how Dean relaxes into his hold after a minute or so. Cas doesn't fail to use this knowledge about Dean, coming up with teasing words and methods of ticking to make Dean all squirmy and giggly, taking special notice of how light tickles effect Dean even more than most other touches, using that specially designed soft brush meant to gently clean Cas' delicate computer chips.

Anonymous said: February 17th 2016 I'm joining in on the Android!Cas thing, if not too late. Perhaps Android!Cas has detachable parts, like a foot, and Dean is a jerk and runs off and hides with it all the while tickling it and making fun of Android!Cas's increasingly desperate attempts to get it back.

Y’all, careful deliberate curious determined ‘ler Cas is LIFE. And, reserved confused helpless adorable ‘lee Cas is also life. Detachable and extensible parts are probably key to both of these things.

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Regarding current personal circumstances:

Anonymous said: January 14th 2020 I pray that you’re able to find peace during this difficult time. You are loved more than you will ever know. I know it’s hard to believe, but there will come a time that you are thankful for this experience, because it will have turned you into the person you are truly meant to be. Be strong and be hopeful. Keep your faith and keep knowing that you are going to be okay. Don’t let this dark time destroy the magnificent light inside of you. Sending you so much love

Anonymous said: January 17th 2020 I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Hang in there! We’re all here for you!

Anonymous said: February 11th 2020 all my love, thoughts and prayers are going towards you right now. also wanted to just drop a little thank you note in your inbox for all the light and joy i've found in your fics over the years. im sitting half way through my first year at uni currently but ive been a fan of yours since early highschool and i feel like ive almost grown up with your writing and fanfics in a strange way, so thank you so much for that. sending all my love to you once again- you are so strong x

I love you all so much.

[skrillahead]

Ten years ago, when I was 23 an old friend introduced me to @taylorswift music. I had just gone through a horrendous breakup to a guy named John and she mentioned how she felt I would appreciate the song “Dear John.” To my surprise it resonated every thought and feeling I was going through. It didn’t take long before I begged her to let me borrow her Speak Now album. I’ll admit here and now that it was one of the fundemental albums I listened to help me recover from one of the worst relationships I’ve ever been in.

Two years later in 2012, history repeated itself. The relationship wasn’t as dramatic or eventful but it still hurt like hell. I mean, how could it not? when no matter how many times you put your love out there they never want to stay. To my surprise Taylor Swift put out her singles for her Red album that fall and I can’t even begin to describe how therapeutic it was to listen to “I knew you were trouble” but also how much I cried every time I listened to “Red” because it really did feel like driving a Maserati down a dead end street *cries even now*

Two years after that in 2014, Taylor’s 1989 album was released and at the time I hadn’t really cared to date anymore. I was happy being on my own and wasn’t looking to detox of any sad emotions but I bought the album because “Shake it off” was just super fun to listen to and I’m so glad that one song convinced me to buy the album because that year I had a falling out with the very friend who introduced me to Taylor’s music. So one can only imagine what song I had on repeat that fall. You guessed it “Bad Blood” it was almost as if she had premeditated my life. Like she knew what was coming before I did and said, “here. This might help”

In 2015, an ex bf from 2006 (my first real bf) sent me a text one night after not speaking for about six years because he was in a new relationship and wouldn’t stop messaging me. Keep in mind, I had never gotten over this guy because he was my first everything. It was hard to forget him (up until this series of events of course) but as hard as it was to ignore him i knew it wasn’t right to talk to him while he had a girlfriend because yes, I believe in karma. The night he textd me we talked for hours. He says “we broke up” and “she wasn’t you” I fight it for a bit but eventually I bite. Not long after, I see him and get to kiss him again. It felt like magic all over again, he even mentioned going on vacation together and getting married but as fast as he came he left. Turns out he was still seeing his “at the time ex” (you can see where this is going) I eventually put all the pieces together and tell him to never speak to me again. I felt so broken and stupid for believing every word he said and for thinking that I could even mean anything to him when he had been with this other girl for 7 years at that point. So what did I do to heal? Like most people I hung out with friends and kept busy but honestly, none of that helped as much as listening to “You’re not Sorry” from the Fearless album on repeat. It was the one album I hadn’t listened to in its entirety yet and when I heard that song I cried like someone spilled onion juice in my eyes but I kept moving forward and eventually got out of my depressive state. So again, thank you for that. Btw fast forward to present time and they’re now married. So, congratulations Mr and Mrs Muir. Side note: there are so many details missing from this but I don’t want to bore anyone with that in the middle of an already long post.

Flash forward to 2016, there wasn’t a new Taylor Swift album. Which almost felt odd considering there had been 2 year gaps between her albums before but I did read a lot about her in the tabloids that year so I figured her absence might’ve been related to it. Regardless, my own personal and very unrealistic agenda for Taylor made me angry with her that year. 2016, was the year Trump ran for President, and as we all know he won. For some crazy reason my head went crazy. I strongly believed that Taylor could’ve kept that man from winning had she used her voice because of how strong her following is but we couldn’t find her until voting day. I conjured up this idea in my head that she was more concerned about losing followers over where she stood in politics than what actually happened to us as a nation. I really don’t know what I was going through that year to be so delusional. It probably didn’t even have to do with Taylor Swift but I did become angry. There was just so much uncertainty by the end of that year that maybe I used her as a scape goat and just started believing all of the negative things that were being posted online about her which in retrospect, wasn’t right and wasn’t fair. She’s still a person with not only her own thoughts and feelings but also her own struggles. So if by any crazy chance you happen to read this I want to say I am deeply sorry.

Okay, so now it’s the year 2017 and I am celebrating one year of living with my awesome new roommate, who legitimately has been one of the bestest if not thee best friend I have ever had and Taylor has released her Reputation album BUT I do a personal protest to not listen to it (because remember? I’m still angry) but it was inevitable. She was everywhere! and while I may not have been a huge fan of the first single, I have to admit when I heard “Ready for it” in that one commercial it got so hard to not want to just listen to it on Spotify because the whole song just sounded so good. Yet, somehow I kept strong.

Flash forward to 2018, and what is this I see? Taylor Swift finally voiced her opinion on politics? Let me tell you, when I say I ran so fast to the Spotify app so fast it felt like my life was depending on it. I relapsed the second Taylor Swift announces her political stance because I may have been wrong about her but I was wrong for a good reason. She showed what she truly valued and it wasn’t numbers. Thank you by the way because I was aching to listen to “Ready for it” on repeat for about a year at this point. Not only that! But she released her 2 hour Reputation Tour documentary on Netflix that year and now I was upset that I let my emotions get the best of me because it looked like such a fun tour to be a part of.

2019, wasn’t too eventful from what I can remember. Well, with the exception of Taylor fighting for the rights to her music which by the way, what the hell is up with that? Just give her work back! Still I hoped that regardless of that her and her boo Joe Alwyn were doing well. I personally loved the story I read somewhere about how he told you he wasn’t giving up that easy or something along those lines. I’m personally a hopeless romantic and like cheesy stuff like that even though I may come across as tough ogre. In the words of Shrek himself, I’m like an onion. I’ve got layers.

So now we’ve finally reached present year 2020, a whole 4 years since I got irrationally upset with a person I’ve never met before except through her work. It’s 6 days before my 33rd bday and the Miss Americana documentary is released on Netflix. I felt angry once again but this time at myself. I was upset with this artist I had admired for so long who had helped me mend wounds and collect broken heart pieces. All while she was dealing with her own family issues, her breakups, sexual abuse, body image issues, scandal, and finding the strength to voice her political opinions. I really had the nerve to be upset? I’ll admit another thing on here at the risk of someone I know reading this and thinking I’m overdramatic for doing so but I cried. I genuinely felt terrible. How she’s been able to keep such a strong and wise head on those shoulders after everything that’s been thrown at her is admirable. I can only dream of being that damn strong and I find refuge in the fact that while everything may not be perfect in her life at least she has a good support system whether that be in the shape of her parents, her brother, her boyfriend, or her friends (yes, that includes fans.)

Anyway, I wrote all of that to show you guys that while we’ve been in quarantine I’ve found solace in bullet journaling and had added a bunch of my favorite Taylor Swift lyrics from the last 4 albums she’s released. It helped me let go of a lot of old thoughts and emotions to rewrite them myself. Your music, your words, and your values have helped me and so many others so much Taylor. I know it’s selfish to ask but please keep writing even when you get married or when you have kids and they need their diaper changed (shoot I’ll babysit if you need me to) or til you get old lady fingers and they’re all spotty and wrinkly. I’ll even send cookies as a thank you. If you’ve read this far I hope Ive made you laugh even a little. Stay, stay, stay, safe and quarantined guys :)

[kvndeathmusic]

my favorite records of the 2010s pt 1 (the less great stuff/honorable mentions)

Neither this post or its followup are going to be in any particular order, however all the records I talk about here are, in my opinion, not as good as the records i will talk about in my part 2. they’re all fantastic but these ones slightly a little less fantastic than the ones in my “top 10″. none of this is based on stuff like 'influence' or whatever other critics base their lists on, this is solely how much I enjoyed these records. And keep in mind, I'm only human, I havent listened to a good lot of records I've heard others describe as top 10 worthy, these are just records I found and that I resonate with. long post ahead. 

Vacation - Bomb the Music Industry (2011)

If you asked me what my favorite band is i will either say bomb the music industry or jeff rosenstock, but considering those are pretty much the same things it doesnt matter lol. While Vacation isnt a perfect record, it is one I love. It lacks some of the ska elements that I love about earlier BTMI records, but at the same time, it is the first record where Jeff’s “””solo””” career sound starts to form in tracks like Sick, Later, Hurricane Waves, Everybody That You Love, Everybody That Loves You, and Vocal Coach. And these tracks are all fantastic, especially the absolutely explosive opener Campaign For a Better Weekend. Where this album suffers in my mind is the fact that it exists as a weird hybrid middle ground between BTMI and modern Jeff Rosenstock, it isn’t really ska like old BTMI and it’s not quite to the same standard as the tracks on We Cool?. And some of the songs are just, not as good as the others, like Why, Oh Why, Oh Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh), which is washed out almost entirely in reverb, and tracks like Savers feeling barren and missing additional instrumentation. But fuck man I can not dislike this record or just call it “ok” because despite this I still listen to this record a lot, it’s so catchy and fun and Im a bit too chronically addicted to btmi. 

Reflektor - Arcade Fire (2013)

i dont really get the hate/mixed feelings others have with this record. there’s so many good tracks dude!!!! sure theres a bit of a slump in the middle and it doesnt reach the same emotional heights as their previous records you gotta be ignorant to overlook this records strengths. while i do like The Suburbs more than Reflektor, man i just vibe HARD with some of these tracks; the title track, We Exist, Here Comes The Night Time, Normal Person, Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice), Porno, and ESPECIALLY Afterlife. Plus the cover art is cool and I like it. However Flashbulb Eyes is one of the worst tracks Arcade Fire has ever put out and I hate it immensely. And while far less offensive, tracks like You Already Know, It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus), and Joan of Arc are just kinda boring and/or uninteresting. Now granted, I'm extremely biased when it comes to Arcade fire in general unless were talking about the trainwreck that is Everything Now. I started listening to Arcade Fire just before Reflektor came out, and I have a kinda sentimental attachment to the record. ill explain the feeling more when i talk about The Suburbs. anticipation oooooo.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar (2012)

i might get crucified by some for not putting this in my top 10, but whatever come at me i guess. gkmc is a fantastic record, but i do think the ending is weak, which is why it’s here instead of in the top 10. i mean, let’s be real, Real is a mediocre track, and while Dying of Thirst is an important track to the whole narrative of the record, it feels way too long. almost everything else about this record is fantastic, from the beats, to kendrick’s nasally flows, to the overall structure of the record spinning a tale of a young man battling demons both inside and out, and his eventual redemption. even if i find this record at times to drop pace, it really is flawless otherwise. it felt like a disservice to put this in the 20-10s, bc it’s a good record, but i had to make some compromises and this was one of them. 

RTJ2 - Run The Jewels (2014)

el-p and killer mike are a perfect duo, and the tracks they make together are always total bangers. and for me, RTJ2 is the best overall, with RTJ3 in a close second. it’s hard to put this on the lower half of the list, some of the tracks just don’t work as well as the others, but despite that there’s not really any tracks i hate or dislike on this record, minus maybe crown. the pure aggression in the opening track Jeopardy sets the tone for an aggressive yet highly focused record. This is some of the best rap out there right now if you want some music to fuck shit up to. 

Pure Comedy - Father John Misty (2017)

This record is both hilarious and extremely bleak. Josh Tillman is a master of satire and sarcasm, and Pure Comedy is the peak of his songwriting skills. The title track is one of the best tracks of the decade, period. And he keeps up the momentum on the following few tracks. The main problem with this record is its weaker second half, but even then it’s criminal to suggest that those songs aren’t good regardless. And despite the bleakness, the one line that sticks in my head after all this time is the line this album fades out to: There’s nothing to fear.

Knife Man - AJJ (2011)

Continuing on the trend of folky, satirical, and bleak records, Knife Man is AJJ’s defining record (next to their debut LP). AJJ blends loud, punky anthems with quieter, folk tracks that touch on sensitive issues in a way only AJJ manages to get away with. And there’s some genuine heart mixed in as well, with the final track Big Bird always striking a chord with me. However, I do feel the record is, let’s just say, padded at times in my opinion. Still, I can’t deny how much i enjoy tracks like Gift of the Magi 2, Hate Rain on Me, The Distance, and Skate Park. Speaking of which when I saw AJJ live recently they played none of those songs and that kinda sucked but hey it was like $20 I can’t complain. And speaking of not getting what I wanted...

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters (2018)

It was hard choosing between this record and their 2010 self titled record, but in terms of the overall narrative and variety this record shines through. If there was a number 11 spot in this unorganized list this would probably take that spot. It’s noisey, it’s abrasive, and it’s like nothing you’ve heard before unless you’ve listened to Daughter’s previous records. Tracks like The Reason They Hate Me are catchy in the weirdest and most unwelcoming of ways, Less Sex sounds like a long lost Trent Reznor NIN track, and Guest House is a masochistic and gut wrenching finisher. Fantastic record aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We Cool? - Jeff Rosenstock (2015)

It’s obvious that I had to include this record somewhere on these list. It’s like a more refined version of the sounds that Jeff experimented with on Vacation. Definitely more punk than ska, but still some of those roots still shine through, especially in the track Nausea. Some of Jeff’s best songs are on this record, from the loud opening tracks Get Old Forever and You, In Weird Cities, to tracks dripping with bittersweet and moody lyrics like I’m Serious, I’m Sorry and Polar Bear or Africa. The main reason this record is on the back end of the top 20 is because the deeper cuts on the record do not match the energy and heights of the best tracks. Tracks like All Blissed Out, The Lows, Darkness Records and Beers Again Alone don’t feel like they belong and stick out a bit. They remind me more of the material Jeff put out on his 2012 EP I Look Like Shit. Mind you they aren’t bad tracks, but I’ll be honest I skip them often when listening to the record because i just wanna get back to the good good stuff. 

Sports - Modern Baseball (2012)

Sports is one of the best pop punk records ever, if you can even consider it as such. It’s like a blend of emo and folk punk, and it works so well. A good majority of this record is on my main shuffle playlist. Is it pushing boundaries? Not really, but tracks like Re-Do, Tears Over Beers, and See Ya, Sucker are undeniably catchy and memorable. I NEED MODERN BASEBALL BACK TOGETHER RN. There’s not really anything that wrong with the record, besides maybe lacking in variety, but at 30 minutes, it’s a record that feels nostalgic even on a first listen, and continues to feel that way even after numerous re-listens. Speaking of nostalgia...

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (2010)

Some background, when I was 13 (circa 2013), I only really listened to whatever my parents put on for me. From my mom, I “inherited” a taste for classic pop and 80s new wave. From my dad, I got metal and hard rock. The first time I made the conscious decision to listen to a record fully, based on my own curiousity, was when I sat and listened to Sgt. Pepper in the summer of 2013, which broadened the scope of what I thought music could even be. And later that year, the first band I got into after The Beatles? Arcade Fire. When I think of my early teens, the memories are set to this record. I remember listening to Ready to Start in my brother’s old hot ass car while driving to the local fair with some friends on a chill fall night, eating tons of junk and staying up past midnight back when doing that was edgy and cool and not a symptom of my depression. 

If I was judging this record solely by its best tracks, it would easily be in the top 3. But I couldn’t place it in my top 10 because, frankly, some of the deeper cuts are lacking. I can’t say I like Deep Blue. I really don’t like Rococo. And Half Light I kills the pace of the record. But man, that title track, Ready to Start, Modern Man, Empty Room, Half Light II, Sprawl II... these songs defined my early teen years. I still tear up listening to the title track. Sure I have to skip a few songs when I re-listen, but I can’t place it any lower or my heart will break. It existing outside of the top 10 already hurts. And that’s all that’s left now. The top 10. 

But first, some random honorable mentions that didn’t make this list:

Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes

Black Star - David Bowie

Saturation II - BROCKHAMPTON

Melophobia - Cage the Elephant

Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest

How to Leave Town - Car Seat Headrest

Daughters - Daughters

Sunbather - Deafheaven

Bottomless Pit - Death Grips

Year of the Snitch - Death Grips (should be on this list tbh)

Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty

Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

POST- - Jeff Rosenstock

S/T - Joyce Manor

Firepower - Judas Priest

ye - Kanye West

KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KSG

You Were There - Kill Lincoln

Flying Microtonal Banana - King Gizzard

Infest The Rats’ Nest - King Gizzard

No New World - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

Bury Me At Makeout Creek - Mitski

Puberty 2 - Mitski

Unsilent Death - Nails

Itekoma Hits - Otoboke Beaver

Morbid Stuff - PUP

A Moon Shaped Pool - Radiohead

RTJ3 - Run the Jewels

Angles - The Strokes

To Be Kind - Swans

Undertale OST - Toby Fox

Scum Fuck Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator 

Igor - Tyler, The Creator

Weezer (White Album) - Weezer

nightlife - yuragi

[doomedandstoned]

Oakland Doomy Bluesers Phantom Hound Roar ‘Cross The ‘Mountain Pass’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

By Billy Goate

Album Art by Molly Stetson & Heather Hughes

I live not far from the railroad and there's something very comforting about hearing a train roll in. It's appropriate that the might and roar of that metallic convoy be responsible for opening the new record from PHANTOM HOUND.

We met them some years back, when the Oakland doom and power blues trio dropped, 'Phantom Hound' (2016), their debut EP. Now Jake Navarra (guitar, vox), Stephen Rogers (bass guitar), and Jack Stiles (drums) are back with a full-length: 'Mountain Pass' (2020). The new spin showcases a sound that's genuinely enticing, much like Guns 'n' Roses' Appetite For Destruction was when I first heard it at age 12 (the first cassette I had to buy clandestinely from my parents).

The riffmaking, from leads to solos, is strong with Mountain Pass, driving each track forward like a mighty engine, from the rush of an opener "The Northern Face" to the grinding blueser "Thunder I Am," the chugging pistons of "Irons In The Fire," and the Matt Pike-like filigrees of "The Southern Face."

Jake's powerful pipes fall somewhere in between Chris Cornell's soaring medium range, the raspy grit of Finnish vocalist Olli Suurmunne (Kaiser, Altar of Betelgeuze), and the commanding force of Australia's Chris Fisher (Field, Lamassu).

You ain't gonna bring me down You ain't gonna bleed me out You ain't gonna kill me now You ain't gonna snuff me out

In fact, if you liked Kaiser's '1st Sound' (2018), this would make a very nice companion.

A pleasant acoustic interlude, "Grace of an Angel" gives us a rest stop from the treacherous uphill journey, leading to the album's expansive namesake track and a very overcast second-half. "Devil Blues" is quite effective in conjuring the rough terrain of the California mountains and the sense of aloneness one feels when traveling deep into the wild.

Steady return into the dark Dealing again my hand the card A whisper, a spark, and a flame Has bitten me again Killing me again the same

We've now travelled from "The Northern Face" to meet "The Southern Face," the Mountain Pass closer. It's a doomy one for sure, though the intrepid tempo gives the sense of determination that this journey will be finished.

"Overall this record is about survival and living for every moment," the band told Doomed & Stoned. "A gritty reflection on what is required to actually live your life rather than be a slave to it."

And now, Doomed & Stoned is pleased to bring you the premiere of Mountain Pass by Phantom Hound, ahead of its wide release on Saturday, March 28th (pre-order here).

Give ear...

Mountain Pass by Phantom Hound

Track By Track: A Listener's Guide to Mountain Pass

We asked the guys to give us a walk-through of each number on Phantom Hound's new album. We got more than we expected and are delighted to share this in-depth breakdown with you from frontman Jake Navarra.

The Northern Face

This song started off early writing sessions for the record as a new riff when I bought a new Jazzmaster not long after that Rob Zombie show. The riff was written hours before my first audition in two years as something aggressive and impressive to take to them. The guys I jammed with didn't get the vision and we didn't click in general so I put it in my back pocket. I brought it home and kept working on it though. My love of all things Alice in Chains carved this track out to serve as our "Them Bones" This main riff would later serve me again on a second song "The Southern Face" I used the main riff from "The Northern Face" as a bridge riff after the second chorus outro in "The Southern Face" but since the song is in B-Standard on the Baritone guitar its nearly unnoticeable. The songs became the beginning and the end of the record pretty early on. Lyrically the song serves as a cry of raw life. The idea being that, we are born into this world and its a fight to stay here. Climbing the northern face is a metaphor for the listener to be the train that has set off to see its railroad completed. (Drop D)

Thunder I Am

I grew up watching old westerns with my grandpa and my old man. There's nobody that doesn't relate to Clint Eastwood's characters and this songs a direct tip of the hat to the attitude portrayed in nearly all of his films. Thunder I Am is essentially that sense of justice that will always rain down. The song wrote itself when I first plugged this guitar into my Orange. Heavily inspired by Down and Soudgarden. (B Standard)

Irons in the Fire

This song directly reflects a love for Down & Pantera. Lyrically a direct reflection on how hard our members work on a daily basis and what it takes to make a band happen these days with all the different DIY elements band members have to juggle. We can never loose faith in ourselves or let the idea of a dream die out. We simply have to stoke the fire and keep it burning at all times. We put some southern style groove at the end of this song to pay homage to some dime style breakdown riffing. (B Standard)

You Don't Know Death

This song was written during The Ether era. How it survived is beyond me. It's tough, fast, and sharp as a dagger so maybe that helped. Lyrically a reflection on the overwhelming amount of death worship. I don't feel like a lot of bands really know what they're talking about sometimes but I was also much younger when I wrote it and far more angsty. I was craving diversity from metal at the time. I simply want life to be valued at its core. Perhaps the opposite of how it sounds I guess. (Drop C Standard)

Grace of an Angel

Throughout 2018 my step mother battled liver cirrhosis. She turned 67 on Dec 11th and passed away two days after Christmas on Dec 27th. She was in my life for 20 of my 30 years and was nothing short of an angel. She brought children into this world for over 30 years in the medical industry working as an RN for Kaiser Permanente. She never drank, smoked, or swore. She retired around the age of 64 and almost instantly got sick. She did her part for a transplant but was denied a liver through the waiting list. It was the single most painful experience of my life as I was there through the end holding her hand and looking after my old man as we all watched helplessly on the wayside. During her pain and suffering she never lost her integrity and showed more strength in her final hours than I think anybody could truly understand. People leave this world in many different ways but she did it as gracefully as only an angel could. I wrote this only weeks before the end. Steve is playing a Fender Rhodes and Jack added some light drums on it. I did more takes of this than any other track on the record. (Drop C)

Mountain Pass

This song started off during the years I walked away from music as the only thing I would play on my only instrument which was the acoustic that I kept. Occasionally I thought of a record that could capture the sound I always wanted to make combining heavy influences and trying to really make a grand opus. Something long and stoneresque calling on some Matt Pike meets Jerry Cantrell riffage. As the years went by and the idea for this record started to form it really honestly felt like we were struggling at every turn to see this record through. Life changes, career changes, the economy, the price of living, the music industry. Its been a struggle for many. This song is an anthem to all of the blue collar workers and dream of the builders putting one foot in front of the other to see their journey through. We have to set examples sometimes or nothing will change. (Drop C)

Devil Blues

This song is tip of the hat to The Blues. When I started playing guitar again I decided to play with a fire and make sure above all else that we were having fun in this band and having fun at our shows. Life is incredibly short and that's all there is to it. This song is about giving into The Blues and letting that feeling live inside you and remind you to stay out late, spend the extra money, go look at the stars, and jump into the ocean. (B Standard)

The Southern Face

The journey ends here. We've fought, we've struggled, we've survived the perilous journey of life and you're all the stronger and wiser for it. a reminder that you did it with your own two hands, your wit, and that not everybody made it. It's not a perfect story and it didn't work out well for everybody. We took losses and we made gains. And when you're done its time to reflect and count your blessings. This song is a steep descent into a smooth arrival back at the destination you set out to reach. This song wraps up the story entirely and leaves a sneak peak for what's to come. You can hear Steve's wizardry as his psychedelia morphs into a trance-like sense of closure and clarity until the train drops you off and carries on. (B Standard)

Wrong Turns & Second Chances: Interview with Phantom Hound

Every band has an origin story. Sometimes if you dig a little beyond the surface and get to know the musicians behind the music, their stories become surprisingly relatable. As Doomed & Stoned is all about both the music and the stories of the heavy underground, we were curious to know more about a lesser known band with a huge sound and grand ideas called Phantom Hound. We got the scoop from frontman Jake Navarra.

The Beginning

We formed in 2013 under the name Hound. Keith Hernandez (bass and engineer) and Dominic Torres (drums) did The Ether EP with me but not long after we recorded and started mixing I got into a motorcycle accident at the end of 2014 and decided to walk away from music altogether. I had been playing music for 10 years at this point and in part of the collapse of my previous band Cast Iron Crow and the continued struggle to keep a band going in general felt that my time as a musician was done. I fucked up my right shoulder and tore my ACL in the crash, had to get reconstructive surgery on my knee, and learn how to use my left leg all over again during recovery.

Because of this and the inability to play any instrument at all I sold off all of my gear except for my acoustic guitar in order to help pay my bills and for nearly two years never looked back. It was in summer of 2016 that I found myself with some free tickets for Rob Zombie. I took my older brother out to see him as we grew up listening to White Zombie and Rob Zombie from all the old Twisted Metal video games growing up. There was a brief moment when John 5 came out on stage at the beginning of House of 1000 Corpses.

The stage went dark and a spotlight came down upon him and he had this glow in the dark Telecaster with the TV screen in between the pickups while an old horror movie was playing on it and had the whole arena at his attention with that ominous riff. My brother elbowed me and said "You're telling me you don't wanna do that anymore? That doesn't look fun to you?" a light bulb went off that night and I called Kieth Hernandez a few days later to dust off The Ether mixes and we spent the fall dialing it in and finishing what we started. I ended up getting introduced to Oz Fritz who's worked with Les Claypool in the past and has some ties in the East Bay Area. I released it digitally that Christmas as a present to close friends and family.

The Rebirth

At the start of 2017, I wanted to really get back into playing again and struggled for some time to secure a lineup. I had two line ups of close friends help me get the ball rolling and things were off to a slow start for a while as we only had the EP material which was written on a Fender Jazzmaster. In the early months of 2017 I acquired a guitar that changed everything. The Hagstrom Viking Baritone. As soon as I plugged this guitar into my amp "Thunder I Am" was the first thing that came back out of it. "Devil Blues" was second and "The Southern Face" was the third. These three songs became the basis for what would become Mountain Pass and for a year-and-a-half my renewed interest in guitar and the blues pumped new life into the band. We played two shows this year and survived only by a slow pulse.

Paths Converge

It wasn't until I met Jack Stiles (drums) in March of 2018 through craigslist and that things got serious. He was the first person in 5 years that was as motivated as myself about the project and we set out to overhaul the band immediately. Jack (44) is a business owner of 10+ years, married, and a father of two little ones with more energy than most people my age (30). Jack has been a drummer for less than 5 years and a bass player of 20+. From sheer motivation he's answered the call and taken every challenge I've thrown his way. Jack strictly plays Ludwig classics and has shaped his playing around the hooks and rhythms these songs call for. A general love for all things music he's been one of the single most important musicians to ever share the stage with.

Through Jack we met Steve Rogers (bass) a few months later in June of 2018. Steve is a guy as casual as they come. (43) 100% Irish. Here's a guy who backpacked the John Muir trail in 8 days and shrugs his shoulders over his accomplishment when you bring it up. An established sound engineer with Dolby in San Francisco he's one of the friendliest people I've ever met. At the time he was pretty upset with his previous audition with some other band because they told him he didn't have the right image. Their loss, our gain. Steve's unwavering dedication to his bass tone filled a huge gap in our sound and with his Ampeg SVT and Music Man offers a brutal low end I didn't realize these songs couldn't benefit so much from. During the recording sessions Jack and I marveled at his ability to convey how these songs should expand with our engineer Chris Hughes. His sense of temp and atmosphere is responsible for all of the psychedelia and the keys hidden in 'Mountain Pass" and "Grace of an Angel."

Phantom Hound, Jake Navarra, and Mountain Pass

In late summer of 2018, the three of us went straight to work. At this time the name "Hound" had become convoluted and our music simply couldn't be found. After much deliberation and research we expanded the name to Phantom Hound. Symbolically this further represented the folklore surrounding the concept of why I chose "Hound" in the first place. Everything from Hell Hounds of the south capturing elements of The Blues, Black Shuck 's and Phantom Hounds of the UK and America to the mighty Cerberus going all the way back to Greek mythology. The Phantom Hound is essentially a guide/gatekeeper between worlds of the living and the spiritual underworld. We felt this helped us fully mature into our sound as were a bit of a mutt ourselves in the sense that we don't particularly fit in anywhere but get by everywhere so far.

As the main guitar player, vocalist, and songwriter it is my primary goal to try and compose records with expansive styles highlighting what the guitar can offer a listener. My own personal inspiration comes a lot from the classic rock I grew up on as a kid like so many, Seattle grunge, Mississippi and Chicago Blues, NOLA sludge, Italian and East Coast Jazz, Californian desert and stoner rock, and even the eclectic resurgence of all things metal in the local Oakland scene.

After rebuilding throughout the summer of 2018 on what had now become the 4th lineup of the band and the 1st lineup of Phantom Hound we came back up for air renewed and rebranded. We spent the winter of 2018/2019 performing, writing, shaping, and designing our brand. Our love for westerns, camping, backpacking, and history brought us to the Theme of "Mountain Pass," which is a loose concept record comparing one's personal journey through adulthood and all of the challenges one faces during those years to construction of the Transcontinental Railroad. In its essence: A perilous journey inward and mission for oneself to see through to its completion.

Producing Mountain Pass

2019 was the biggest year for us by far. We went into the studio with my friend Chris Hughes in May. About 10 years earlier I met him through an old friend back in college down in southern California. During that moment in time I was discovering Sleep's Jerusalem and was so stoked on Sleep I gave it to this transplant from Denver who wanted to get his hands on anything heavy and stoner metal related. Life went on and I didn't see him again for 10 years. During that time he continued to date and eventually marry an old friend of mine from High School and pursue audio engineering up here in the Bay Area at Expressions.

Somewhere along his journey, Chris got connected with the boys in the South Bay in KOOK and they hired him to produce their first album "Kook" and again their follow up "Kook II". This time however and the reason I mention this part of the story is that KOOK is well acquainted with Billy Anderson who came down from Oregon as the executive producer on the follow up record. Chris was able to shadow Billy in these sessions and learn and assist with much of the engineering on this record.

So after not seeing Chris or my old friend Heather we bumped into each other at Bevmo here downtown in Oakland to buy some beer. We instantly caught up having one hell of a laugh that after all these years the chance encounter we had over Sleep led him to working alongside Billy Anderson himself. With Chris fresh off the sessions of Kook II and Phantom Hound locked and loaded with Mountain Pass, everything lined up right and we went into the studio together at Airship Laboratories in Richmond, California and recorded nearly everything but the vocals in the same room Metallica recorded S&M and had a blast combining all our knowledge together and reconnecting as friends.

Chris Hughes took our record to extraordinary levels and our songs gave him a solid platform to apply his newly acquired skill sets on. We continued to perform all throughout the year with as many bands around town as possible as we built our relationships and earned a place here in town. In September of 2019 through Chris Hughes we were introduced to Jeff Wilson from Kook, Heavy San Jose, and Glory or Death Records and got on the bill for his annual Beers in Hell event. This was single handedly the most important gig of the year for us last year as we got to play with tons of killer bands and open for Hippie Death Cult, Kook, Disastroid, Holy Grove, and High Tone Son of a Bitch (which included Billy Anderson on Bass that night). We then played again with Hippie Death Cult in Pacifica a few weeks later and hit it off as friends.

Mastering Mountain Pass

After mixing was completed and our shows for September were wrapped up, we took off into Nevada City to reconnect with Oz Fritz at Ancient Wave Studios. This place is located down a long dirt road deep in the woods of Gold Country. A perfect relaxing place to kick back and watch the record come to life. Oz Fritz worked with me on The Ether EP. He's worked on Primus's Antipop, several Tom Waits records, and Miles Davis to name a few. Oz is straight to the point and gets down to business quick. He was stoked on the variety of the songs he was working with and added a great layer of warmth that comes through the best on vinyl as we've heard with our test pressings. There is a photo attached of us at Ancient Wave with him working his magic. He was once asked by Tom Waits "This mix sounds great but...it needs more brown" and so he figured it out.

The Northern Face Music Video Shoot

In October, we took off to Soda Springs and rented a cabin during filming for the music video. As I mentioned above we filmed in a historical landmark. You can see us at the entrance of Tunnel #6. If you look Closely you can see the scars on the granite as if the black powder and dynamite just blew it up yesterday. The town behind me on the cliff is Truckee and the lake below is Donner Lake. It is my goal to bring our listeners into the outdoors and feel the dirt in their hands and the smell of the woods.

Tragedy nearly took place though as after we finished filming all day on Saturday and celebrating all night Saturday night. What we thought were minor electrical issues with the house itself turned out to be a near fatal one when an electrical short in the gas fireplace sparked around 3AM. The fireplace caught fire thus lighting the outside of the house and chimney on fire proceeding to fill the house with smoke while 9 of us were fast asleep.

At 3:30 AM the smoke alarms went off like a symphony and we scrambled to find the source only to quickly determine that the fireplace was the problem. Black smoke poured out everywhere from behind the fireplace and we used two fire extinguishers in an attempt to put out the flames. What we didn't know and couldn't see was that the fire crept up all the way through the chimney in between the interior and exterior of the chimney. And just like that, within 10 minutes we started evacuating the house and helping each other clear the place out of our belongings, instruments, film equipment, and vehicles. The Truckee Fire Department came out and went to work and kicked ass on the fire while we assisted with information on how the fire and extending the hoses until reinforcement arrived.

In the end we all got out ok and luckily nobody had to go to the hospital. We all got smoked out pretty bad and were pretty shaken up. It was the real deal 100%. That house was on its way to burning down the house. That's the story behind the home footage at the end. If you look closely the entire house is billowing with smoke. We were all fast asleep about 40 minutes before that was filmed.

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[leoninapelliolovesconchitawurst]

ENGLISH TRANSLATION ( Jeannette Nobbe)

VOLSKRANT.NL 31/01/20

by Mennon Pot

https://www.volkskrant.nl/cultuur-media/conchita-wurst-sorry-dat-ik-zo-n-wandelend-cliche-ben~b0477817/

(Conchita) Wurst: 'I'm sorry I'm a walking cliché'.

Above all we know Conchita Wurst as the bearded 'female 'singer who won the ESC in 2014. But we've moved on and are a bit wiser. It´s just Wurst now, but the beard is still there.

With light feathered steps, Thomas Neuwirth (31) enters the conference room of the hotel in Groningen where he is staying: black combat boots, black leather pants, tight black T-shirt, the black beard and the perfect short trimmed jet black hair..

He introduces himself as Tom. It's not difficult to recognise the bearded drag queen Conchita in him. (Kopenhagen, 2014, remember?) but the dress and wig are stowed away for a while. Conchita has a sort of sabbatical, so to speak.

Neuwirth is on tour as a man. Stage name: Wurst. Yesterday evening he performed in Groningen; the next concert will be 7 february at the Melkweg in Amsterdam. His new album 'Truth over Magnitude' also carries the artist´s name Wurst.

Let's get this straight: when the subject is Conchita Wurst, the word 'transgender' sometimes comes a long. Wrongly. Neuwirth is a man, ('but incredibly gay, of course'), who has a choice from now on: being on tour as a drag queen (Conchita) or as a man (Wurst) .

´a lot of fun, being a masculine stage persona', he says. Conchita will turn up again somewhere else.

Holland appreciated Conchita's 'Rise like a Phoenix' with the highest score, almost 6 years ago.

Neuwirth didn't forget: twelve points, douze points from Holland for the bearded diva from Austria.

Then hectic years followed. 'After the Song Contest I thought, I have to make the most of it now, build my fame and cash it in. So I surrounded myself with all kinds of experts, managers, stylists, make/up artists, the whole circus. After 3 years I was exhausted. I couldn´t do it anymore. I told my audience every nigh, be yourself, believe in yourself. But along the way, I forgot myself.´

He got rid of the experts’ circus and is having a relaxed tour now, with a small entourage. He feels good again, although in 2018 he had to announce he is infected with the HIV virus. His manager politely asks, almost in an humble manner, not to talk about that.

Tom doesn´t appear to be very worried about that. There has seldom been a star who starts an interview so cheerfully. ´A great photo shoot and after that talk about things I find beautiful and fun.

Terrific, I was already looking forward to it when I came out of bed.´

´Curriculum Vitae'

1988 – Born as Thomas Neuwirth in Gmunden, Austria

2007 – Candidate at the talentshow Starmania, and boyband Jetzt anders!

2011 – Debut as female persona Conchita Wurst, the debut single `I´ll be there´

2012 - Second place at the Austrian Songfestival

2014 – ESC winner with ´Rise like a Phoenix

2015 – First album ´Conchita´, co-presenter ESC

2018 – Second album ´From Vienna with Love´

2019 – Debut as male stage persona ´Wurst´, third album ´Truth over Magnitude´

2020 – Wurst ´Trust over Magnitude´ Sony Music

Wurst will be performing in the Melkweg in Amsterdam on February 7

SOUNDTRACK

Music from the Motion Picture Titanic ...1997

´My first CD. I was 9 years old when I bought it. `My heart will go on´’changed my life´. As it were, Céline Dion gave me permission to be utterly dramatic and to be over the top. When I came out of the closet, I heard that song in my head.

It was also a liberation for me as a singer. My mom always sang with a thin, high falsetto voice. I thought that was how it should be. Dion taught me, you may yell as hard as you can, with all the power you have in you. When you sing so loud, you can’t fake it. The sound you push out of your body, is the sound of your body, unique and by definition authentic. Céline Dion taught me that singing is something really physical.´

SERIES

The Crown ..Netflix..., 2016 until 2019

´For me it´s getting difficult to watch a movie to the end. I guess that´s because of all the series on Netflix and HBO. My favorite is `The Crown´.. ´the intro alone is so beautiful, that liquid gold that forms a crown, such art. I used to watch it twice. Ít says something about the fact that I can´t choose between the two women who play Elizabeth and the two men who play prince Philip. All the actors are great. The costumes, the stories, the palaces, it´s so delightful. The history also intrigues me, after every episode I checked on Wikipedia if it was really what had happened.

PARTIES

´At Christmas I always come back to Vienna. I love the lights, glitters and decorations, my inner Mariah Carey is looking forward to it every year. Christmas 2019 was extra special because it had been a long time since the whole family came together at my grandmother´s house.´

I would love it to be like that every year... A couple of days being together in one home. Talking, getting to really know my family. Maybe now you think, days on and on with uncles and aunts, such horror! It is easy to say that I don´t really have much in common with these people. But I do, Really. They all have a story and similarities with your stories. Ask them about your life and tell them about yours.´

That´s what Christmas is all about to me. To me, the birth of Jesus has not that much to do with it.´

ISLAND..

I have an agreement with my best friends to go on vacation at least once every two years. We have been to Mykonos a couple of times, THE especially gay island. I´m sorry I sound like a walking cliché.´

The sun, the sea, the beaches, the small streets, so cosy. We rent a house with a pool and for a week or two we live in our own little paradise, actually being a bit tipsy the whole time. Go shopping and cook.´

`What´s also very important, on Mykomos, the wind is always blowing the right way. I love to watch the women, because their dresses and their hair flutter so beautifully.´

STYLE ICON

Victoria Beckham

I was and still am a big Spice Girls fan and I especially admire Victoria Beckham, because she lives her life the way she wants. She appears in tabloids every day, but has survived a crisis in her relationship and has stayed happy with the love of her life and her family. I think that it´s really strong.´

In regard to her style, she can go from very classy to very trashy, I like that. One day she´s wearing a designer dress, the next she and David Beckham are walking in identical jogging suits. She couldn’t care less. I think that it´s inspiring.´

´I think she is utterly authentic, raging through the glamour. Although I have never met her, I´m sure that I could have a lot of fun with her. I´d love to drink some tequila with her for an afternoon or so.´

AGE

30

´I thought becoming 30 was really special, I lost my wild behaviour, came to be more restful. Some way or another I think a lot about some things my mother said: in my twenties, I ignored those lessons, but now I´m 30, I suddenly realised she was right for example how important family and friends are.

I´m 31 now, I have inner peace and my life in order, but I still feel young. I´m convinced that this the best period of my life´. My advise to everybody... be 30.´

ALBUM

Recomposed by Max Richter / The Four Seasons ..2012

I don´t play any instruments and until not too long ago, I didn´t really know much about music. I really found that a pity sometimes. Fortunately, my good friend Martin studies at the School of Musical Arts... !! He´s studying the history of music intensely and tells me about a lot of great composers. I learn a lot from that.´´I never understood classical music and didn´t really know anything about it, but thanks to the listening sessions with Martin I fell in love with Vivaldi..

The pop artist of the classical artists.

´Max Richter interpreted Vivaldi´s Four Seasons and composed it in a modern fashion. It´s a modern, post minimalistic piece, completely different from the original one, but you still recognise it. Greatly done, at the moment it´s my favorite album.´

BOOK

Friedrich Schiller « Ueber die aesthetische Erziehung des Menschen ». About the aesthetic upbringing of the people..´

´A good friend advised me to read the philosophical letters from Friedrich Schiller ..Letters, 1794-1795)

That´s a hard job to do. Because of the old fashioned German I had to read some sentences 5 times. You always have to wrestle yourself through a thick layer of 18th century sexism.

´But further on you´ll find something beautiful. Schiller writes a lot about finding your inner beauty and your own truth. Dare to be yourself. Embrace your darker sides. Those are important as well.´

´At the same time he preaches self-perspective.. don´t take yourself too seriously, you´re not the center of the universe. That is very worthy to me. Namely because I DO think I´m the center of the universe, haha.

`Still it´s very wise of him, to send a message from 1795 to a 21st century queen with a Mariah Carey complex.´

CLUB

Circus in Vienna

´The Arena is a huge complex in Vienna, a concert building with a mega discotheque. A couple of times a year they organize Circus, my favorite gay club night. I always go there with my group of closest friends, but it´s actually a bit of a rule that we lose each other and disappear into the crowd.´

´I roam around all night- Every room, every floor has its own musical theme and decoration. I love the types of people I meet there, their clothes, their fetishisms, everything.´

….Arena Vienna, Baumgasse 80, Vienna

CITY

Amsterdam

´I live in Vienna, I love Vienna and I will always come back there, but the greatest city I´ve been to is Amsterdam – since then I traveled all over the world so I know what I´m talking about.

´Of all the cities I visited, Amsterdam is the only one where I would want to live a period of time. So that´s what I´m gonna do, this summer, for a few months to begin with.´

´I can see that Amsterdam also has the flagship stores from all known store chains. And a lot of tourists, like every special city. But I see all these small jewelry shops where they sell their self-made jewelry. Little bakeries. Cosy streets. And a lot of water. I love water. I love cities with lots of water.´

[nbhd-daily]

Jesse Rutherford’s Blonde Ambition

After seeing success as the lead singer of standout band The Neighbourhood, the 26-year-old So-Cal native decided it was time to try things on his own. &, Rutherford's first solo album, perfectly embodies the personality of the man who was born to be blonde. It's funny, poppy, loose yet precise, and more than anything, honest.

office met with Rutherford at his hotel in New York City a day before his flight back to California to perform in front of a sold out crowd alongside the band that helped him find his voice. Rutherford was open and reflective. He's as transparent as you'd hope any musician would be. He knows the key to success as a musician is being your best and most honest self at all times, all while making great music.

Interview by Khufu Najee

Photos by Mitchell Connell

I want to start off by saying I love the album.

Thank you.

I was in LA with my girlfriend when I first heard it and on that same morning, I actually dyed my hair blonde.

Yo (laughs). That’s sick.

True story.

So cool. It looks great, by the way.

Thank you, man. But that leads me to my first question. "Born To Be Blonde." What was the inspiration for that song? I know you were very specific about starting the album with that song. What went into that thought process?

The general statement just kinda means be whoever you wanna be. It’s just kind of a twist on how to say that or my particular way of saying it. I felt like it was a chance for me to be as stupid and as smart as I am — or as I think I might be — all in one go. I don’t know. It just kind of happened. It was a poem. It was a poem that I wrote while The Neighbourhood was recording our Wiped Out album. It was just a poem. I wrote it one day and or one night. I don’t even remember. I just know it was during that process cause I was blonde at that point and I was really psyched about it. It was just the way it made me feel I guess. Wrote it down. Maybe 75% of it came from that initial poem. The last 25% — the bridge and shit — was written in the studio as I was recording it. But I tried doing it a couple times. It was going to be a Neighbourhood song a long time ago. Nothing ever happened to it.

It’s very interesting how often I hear a good portion of songs that we hear on someone’s new album are actually old.

Yep. And that comes with age and with time. It’s crazy you say that cause I’ve thought about that a lot recently too and it’s given me a new hope with writing music because I probably have hundreds of songs that are not released and now I know sometimes I can go back in the fucking Rolodex. Oh okay. Wrote it in 2013. It’s 2018. Now they're ready for it. That’s how it goes sometimes.

You have to be ready to let it go.

You have to be on time. You can’t be early in this game. That doesn’t get you anywhere. At least from my experience. I feel like there have been moments where I’ve been like well I did that first and then something else happens and someone else does it. And maybe they did it at a better time. Maybe they had it more refined. Maybe it was better than the version I had. Or the type of song. Or the type of sound. Sometimes you gotta wait for the right time.

The 2014 mixtape with the band. Two features I want to ask about. You had Gerald and Kossisko. Two really good friends of mine.

Oh, you grew up in the bay?

Yeah, man.

Dope.

So, I’m curious. How did the Bay Area connection come about?

(Laughs).

It's always a good answer when they laugh before answering.

Well, Kossisko, 100s at the time, that was through our friend Matthew. Kirk, who has a label now, runs it with Matthew’s partner label.

What’s the label?

Bad Habits.

Okay.

And Matthew, he’s like my LA homie. He’s like my first LA friend. When I was like 19 trying to rap and putting my shit on the internet, he was the first dude from the city — cause I’m from the suburbs outside the city — he was like the first dude from the city to be like, yo, you’re tight, come hang out with me and my friends. And those friends ended up being 4e, who helped me produce the mixtape and then helping The Neighbourhood do our Wiped Out album. It was a long process. That was, you know, six or seven years ago. It was a while ago. I met Kossisko through him.

He’s a good dude, man.

Yeah, dude. He’s smooth too.

Staying on collaborations, on that same mixtape, you had Danny Seth. And I noticed on this new album, you had MD$, both of whom are big on the music scene in London. How did that connection come about?

Danny was also through Matthew.

Of course he was. Danny lived in LA for a bit, yeah?

Yeah, and Matthew was fucking with him for a minute. I could give you Matthew's number if you want (laughs). He’s in with everyone.

Collabs are important. How did you go about choosing who to work with on this album?

Well, I met Dylan Brady, who produced the majority of the project. I think I was playing a show and Kirk came out. Kirk met with Dylan. I think we were in St. Louis, where Dylan is from and he just walked in and I saw him. I know this may sound very surface but I basically just judged a book by the cover. Like, clothing and how you present yourself, matters. Dylan walked in and he just had this steez that I’d never seen before and I was like there’s something about this guy. Then I ended up hearing his music and it was so ambitious and unique and at the time I was trying to figure out how to find my own lane and find my own sound and do my solo thing. So we got in the studio together, we had a week in Paramount in LA, five days, and we ended up doing seven songs, and about four or five ended up on the record. It was a solid week for sure. He’s a great producer. He can really do anything. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever seen before. He’s a fucking machine, dude. He’s nonstop. Dylan kinda kicked it off. We started with this sound. I worked with Daytrip a couple times before when they were back in LA and we did a couple records but nothing that was my favorite. They were amazing doing what they do but I wasn’t pleased with what I was doing on the songs.

The mind of a perfectionist, man.

Right? But then they randomly sent me a 30-pack and I was like this is fun. So I went through them, picked ten that I liked, recorded on about four or five really quickly and two of them ended up being on the album. MD$, that was just another random session when they were in LA.

MD$ is fire, dude. That’s good music.

They make really good music.

London, for the most part, is known for Grime Rap. When you think rap in London, you think grime. But what they do isn’t grime. It’s so dope and so different.

Very musical.

Very musical. Absolutely. I really want to meet the dude.

He’s a mystery. You never saw him?

No.

He’s cool. He has a swag to him for sure.

How old were you when you decided on music?

I started playing drums when I was in the eighth grade. High school came around and I met this guy who became my buddy. I grew up in a suburb where it’s like hard core punk kinda shit and I just wanted to be a part of that. But my balls took forever to drop and finally when they did I started singing. Voice is still pretty high so they only dropped so far (laughs). But I would say around 17 is when I took it seriously.

And around that age is when you knew this was what you were going to do with your life?

Yeah. Especially once I stopped doing hard core and started making really bad pop rap. I had to start somewhere though (laughs). I’ve never really thought twice about thinking twice. This is all I’ve ever done. And luckily it’s worked. It’s always felt so good. It’s the only thing I’ve ever felt natural at. I’m not that great at video games. I’m not that great at fucking school, all the cliche shit that everybody says.

Knowing what you know now, what would you tell that younger self?

Don’t get those tattoos on your right arm (laughs). Save that real estate because you’re going to want some other shit some day. Maybe don’t get any of the tattoos so early. But 17 year old me, looking at 26 year old me, with like neck tattoos and shit, would be like "yo this guy is so sick what the fuck.” I know that really surface level but I think the boxes you in. If I’m in the whitely tatted lane, then okay. I did it to myself. Other than that, just keep doing what you’re doing. It’s working.

Are you familiar with the word synesthesia?

No.

It’s basically a condition, although I don’t know why they call it that cause it almost gives it a bad connotation. But, Lorde has it, Frank Ocean, few other artists. Basically, you can taste, smell, see colors, in ways other people can’t. It’s amazing.

Me and my team talk about that all time time. We try to relate things to colors when it comes to Neighbourhood music and my own music. We try and connect songs to seasons. Some songs always seem to fit with certain seasons. Day or night. That’s a big one.

Very true. I have music I only listen to at night time. Or when the sun isn’t shining.

That’s the struggle of being asked to play a festival, when you make night music, but they give you the noon slot. How do you like the sun, yo? Yeah, this dark ass song is going to sound great while this bright ass sun is turning my pasty skin bright red.

What color would you say your music is?

I feel like I have to just say rainbow because it has to be the opposite of rainbow because The Neighbourhood has always done the black and white thing. But I don’t know. I really do like yellow. I think yellow is a really cool color. And it doesn’t even have to be bright yellow. Just a nice warm yellow that kinda has some warmth to it.

I’m not going to ask you who your musical inspirations are cause I think that shit is corny as fuck but I am curious where do you draw inspiration from? Are you the kind of dude who has a movie playing on silent in the studio at all times?

No. I’m terrible at watching movies. I need to start watching more. I just started on Apocalypse Now.

Started. Didn’t finish?

Not yet. I’m about half-way through. It's a slow process for me. But inspiration… It’s funny cause I do like Spongebob (laughs) but I feel like a sponge. I just absorb a lot of shit around me. Sometimes I can’t even pinpoint it. It’s just like shit that’s coming at me. Between the different styles and sounds of music that I like and what’s fucking constantly stewing in my head. I just feel like I can do all these different types of music, so I need to do it. And sometimes I fail. And sometimes I think, from what I’ve seen from the internet and from what fans tell me, I think I nail it sometimes. With this project especially, the title alone, just using &. Calling it that left it open to anything. Cause you can’t just have that and nothing else. There has to be something before and something after and you know that. So that alone it’s just like, I’m a sucker for that kind of shit. I just love hooks. I want everything to be a hook. A photo, to a fucking pair of shoes, the title of something, hooks only. I did a book two years ago I called that. It’s a collection of photos I took with my friend, ended up turning it into a book. I’ve always called that book the Bible of Jesse. In that book, there’s no words. All pictures. Just me wearing a whole bunch of shit. It’s all over the place. But that’s how I felt. That’s who I am. I think a lot of people are like that. Especially young people. With the internet how are you just gonna be one thing in this shit?

You have to do everything. It’s the norm now.

You have to. Remember when Drake came out. And he was singing and rapping? People were confused. But now? You can’t not do that (laughs). It’s all that. Which is great. It’s fucking incredible. I feel like now more than ever music is ready for me. You know what I mean? And I’m ready for it. I don’t feel old, I just feel grown enough to just be like, oh yeah I can do all this shit. I’ve been doing this shit for years. It’s just about catching the right moment and knowing what to do. Last time I caught the moment I didn’t know how to hold onto it. I never know how it’s gonna work anymore. I never know what song is going to work. You said you love Barbie and Ken. I was terrified to put the song out because it’s so, so opposite to the character of Jesse Rutherford from The Neighbourhood is known for.

Well, that’s what a solo project should do, innit? Show that other side?

I think so. I hope so.

[tulipau]

title: you can show me your heart 

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: m 

summary: Phil had written down the number and handed it to Dan when he’d woken up, along with ten gorgeous red roses and a promise to be everything Dan needed, a side-kick in the hardest battle he would ever fight.

Or: Valentine's Day in 2014 and 2018.

wordcount: 1454

notes: this is my contribution to the Valentine’s Day fic fest @phandomficfests. huge thanks to @phanetixs for beta reading and putting up with me <3

READ ON AO3

2014

Phil missed the warmth that usually enveloped him when he woke up. He turned to his left. It was empty. Slowly, he opened his eyes. It was dark in the room, so it couldn’t be the morning already. Still getting used to the darkness that surrounded him, he looked around.

He let out a quiet yelp when he noticed Dan, sitting in his metal armchair. He was biting his lip, a dead look in his eyes. Phil could just make out the bags under them–they’d been there for quite a while now.

“What are you doing? Come back.” Talking was hard, especially when Phil was still in that dazy state between sleeping and being fully awake. He curled his body and waited for Dan to get back in bed, next to him.

When it became apparent Dan wasn’t coming back, he opened his eyes again. More awake now, he took a long look at Dan. He had a troubled expression on his face, yet he appeared focused. He seemed to be deep in thought about something, something that was a long time coming.

Phil got out of the covers and sat down at the edge of the bed, right in front of Dan. Their faces were close.

“What is it?” He put his hands on Dan’s.

Dan blinked, his eyes focused somewhere behind Phil, avoiding his concerned gaze. He seemed torn. A long sigh escaped his lips before he started speaking.

“... is this all there is?” He kept his eyes trained on the wall.

“To what?” Phil was confused. Deep down, he’d known a serious conversation was coming. Dan had been quieter lately, always reflecting on something. Phil would have preferred to have this conversation at a more normal time, perhaps after having had a cup of coffee, or two. But ultimately, he understood it was Dan’s call. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling of uncertainty. “You mean… to us?”

That seemed to shake Dan out of his thoughts.

“No. Well, partly. But not in the way you’re imagining.” He looked at Phil, scared, and then looked down at the floor.

Phil kept quiet, waiting for Dan to explain himself. He was scared too, shitless. His mind was already jumping to a million conclusions, his heart beating fast.

“I meant, is this all there is to life? I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something that never comes. Everyday is the same, and even if I do something different, or we do something different, there’s this feeling of emptiness, of nothingness. And it’s always there.”

*

They spent the night talking. At first, Phil had tried to shake Dan out of his thoughts, to distract him and make him come back to reality.

“But this is my reality, Phil. This is my every day,” Dan had said tiredly. He had seemed frustrated, and that had frustrated Phil in turn.

How to help the person you love most when their brain lies and lies and lies? When they’re constantly looking into the darkest abyss, one whose gravity you’ve never felt pull you down?

He was deeply aware of the barrier that surrounded Dan. A barrier they’d both known was there for years, since the beginning really, but never tried to bring down. One out of comfort, and the other out of impotence.

It made Phil feel helpless. He didn’t know what to say—and that never happened, not when it came to Dan. So he let Dan talk. And talk he did.

He told Phil he couldn’t do it anymore, that the voices inside his head were getting louder and louder, and he’d ran out of energy to fight them. That he woke up exhausted, if he even fell asleep at all, and his limbs felt heavy for the rest of the day, his heart being a heavy empty space, too. Tired, tired, tired.

Phil stayed silent. He realised halfway through that Dan just needed someone to listen, to let them in into his world, show them around, and hope for an escape. The realisation hit him hard. He let out a few tears. They burnt their way down his cheeks as he held Dan’s hand and stroked his back. Listening and understanding, finally, what he’d refused to accept for so long.

In the end, Dan had fallen asleep out of exhaustion, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. They’d moved to the sofa at 5am, when it was clear none of them were going to be getting any sleep anytime soon.

Phil, however, stayed awake. Guilt was clawing its way through his body, trapping every rational thought in a bubble of helplessness, of impotence. He realised, then and there, that night had been a turning point for both of them. The truth was out there, Dan had taken it out of his chest and carefully deposited it on the table, for the both of them to see. Dan could no longer fight alone, and Phil could no longer act like there was no battle to fight.

He disentangled himself from Dan’s limp limbs, one last look at his peaceful sleeping face, before getting up. He went to their bedroom and fished his phone out from somewhere under the covers. 8am, 14th February 2014 read his lockscreen.

One quick Amazon order and a few text messages later, he was ready to set things right.

2018

“Morning,” Dan whispered. His rough voice set a warm tingle through Phil’s spine and between his legs, a reminder of the night before.

He turned around and let Dan rest his head on his chest.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Phil said. He dropped a kiss to Dan’s untamed curls and sighed. Dan pressed his naked body further into Phil’s space, bringing a hand to Phil’s chest, next to his own face, and raking his fingers through the chest hair there.

“How do you propose we celebrate?” Dan’s suggestive voice wasn’t helping Phil’s morning situation.

“Didn’t we already celebrate last night?”

Dan sighed dramatically. “This is what I get for being into older guys. When will my husband’s stamina come back from war?”

“Besides, you have therapy in an hour.” Phil purposefully ignored Dan’s comment.

“Might just run away with Dr. Morgan. He gets me on a deeper level.” He lifted his head and dropped a chaste kiss to Phil’s lips. “Later, then.”

That’s a promise they both intend to keep.

*

Dan came back from therapy feeling positive, Phil could tell from the peaceful look in his face. He’d recently taken up meditation and Dr. Morgan sometimes guided him through short ones during their sessions. It helped him immensely, Dan swore. He had tried many a times to make Phil meditate after their weekly yoga workouts, but Dan’s soft voice guiding him through it and the tiredness after the exercise just lulled him into sleep.

(“It’s unconscious meditation, Dan! It counts.”

“It doesn’t count, Phil, and you know it.”)

Dr. Morgan hadn’t been the first therapist Dan had tried out. Before him, there had been three others. The first one, Bryony had suggested 4 years ago now. Phil had written down the number and handed it to Dan when he’d woken up, along with ten gorgeous red roses and a promise to be everything Dan needed, a side-kick in the hardest battle he would ever fight. It didn’t work out with that doctor, nor did with others, but finding Dr. Morgan had been a blessing.

(“I think this is it, Phil. I think he can help me.”)

It had been a journey full of hardships, a journey that was not yet completed and probably never would. But therapy, antidepressants, exercise and constant support seemed to do the trick and brought out a new light within Dan. And Phil could only watch and love him as he became the best version of himself.

Getting him out of his thoughts, Dan plopped himself in the spot next to Phil on the sofa. He set a small bouquet of pretty, colourful flowers (Phil’s favourites) on the coffee table and kissed Phil.

“Saw them on the way home. I figured if there’s a day to be unapologetically romantic, today’s probably it,” Dan said when they pulled apart.

“I love them. I love you,” Phil replied. He tried to conceal the small burst of emotions that was rippling through his chest. He failed, but Dan didn’t mention it. Phil guessed Dan was probably feeling it too, that he had most likely talked about the significance of the day with Dr. Morgan, the double significance.

“I love you, too.” Dan’s wavering voice left no doubts. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?”

“We have.”

Later, they kept their promise. Phil kept his, too, and every day after that.

[thewidowstanton]

Esmeralda Nikolajeff, flyer and acrobat, Barely Methodical Troupe: Shift

Swedish circus artist Esmeralda Nikolajeff – who comes from Stockholm – knew she wanted to be an acrobat from the age of two. She started circus as a tiny child with Circus Cirkör, and at 14 took part in Monte Carlo’s 20th Première Rampe festival. She went on to train at DOCH School of Dance and Circus in Stockholm and, since graduating in 2014, has appeared all over the world, working mostly in duos or trios and “learning new ways of being thrown and getting caught”.

Esmeralda chats to Liz Arratoon before her appearance in Barely Methodical Troupe’s third show, Shift, which also features Elihú Vázquez and BMT co-founders Charlie Wheeller and Louis Gift. It was commissioned by the Norfolk and Norwich Festival – which co-produced it with DREAM – as part of the celebrations for the 250th anniversary of the birth of British circus. Shift has its world premiere at the Spiegeltent in Chapelfield Gardens in Norwich. It runs from 16-27 May 2018.

The Widow Stanton: Is Stockholm your home? Esmeralda Nikolajeff: More or less. I have a home there but I’ve been renting it out for two years, so I’m more or less living on the road. It’s a love/hate relationship… it’s complex… it’s great and it’s nice to not have to pay rent. It allows me to travel more. But little by little I’m getting a bit worn out by it. I’m starting to miss my home and my own things and my own space, but it’s fine. It’s still working out.

Had you seen any circus at two to put the idea in your head? That’s such a good question that my parents also ask themselves. They don’t really know. I guess I must have seen something, like picked something up from somewhere. But it wasn’t like we went to a circus show and then I knew. When I told them I wanted to be ‘aerial acrobat’ they were like: “How does she even know those words? Where did it come from?” No one knows.

Is there any showbusiness in your family? Yes, when I was a kid my dad was doing theatre and my mum was creating and producing music. When I was around seven my dad actually got into circus himself because he got quite inspired by me doing it. Then he was out of work and he got an opportunity to work in this Swedish circus, Cirkus Cirkör, in the offices and teaching kids how to do forward rolls and cartwheels and stuff like that. Then he got into the circus scene and he thought it was way more fun than doing theatre. So he just started to practise and now he’s a knife-thrower and a chainsaw juggler. He’s called Jesper.

Where is your name from? My dad’s father was from Russia. He came to Sweden by train when he was four years old during World War II. He was a child in the middle of the war zone so he was evacuated and went into a foster family in Sweden.

Do you do any other disciplines? I do a bunch of different things. At DOCH my main discipline was duo trapeze, so trapeze flyer is what I do the most. And then lately, the past two years, I’ve been doing a lot of flying in Icarian Games [Risley], basically flipping on people’s feet. As my side discipline I’ve always been an acrobat. I love doing floor acrobatics and movements, and as I’m quite a tiny person I’ve always been a flyer in all kinds of scenarios… banquine and hand to hand and things like that.

Before you went to DOCH, how did you start doing circus? First I went to a circus course in Stockholm at Cirkus Cirkör. I started when I was four years old in this little kids’ circus place. Then when I was around seven I told my dad that it was frustrating for me to just train because I wanted to perform. He was like, “Ooh, OK,” and he found a bunch of other kids who also wanted to perform, and we created a youth circus group. So it was like, me and between 10 and 15 other kids who were the youth circus group of Cirkus Cirkör, for some years. Then we kept on growing as a youth circus. My dad was in charge of it and we were training like two or three times a week, and then we did quite a lot of shows. All the money we pulled in with the shows went to the teachers and the facilities at Cirkör, so on Sundays we had the whole training space to ourselves. For the kids it was free to go to the circus classes but we performed a lot.

I did that from when I was seven to about 15, and then I did Circus Cirkör’s circus high school as well. My trapeze catcher is three years older than me and I was a bit tired of normal school so I really wanted to start the circus university with her. But at most circus universities you need a degree from high school, so I was thinking, ‘Maybe I can do it faster?’. I asked my school if I could just go faster and they were like: “We don’t really know but I guess you can try.” [Laughs] So then I did four years of school in two years, and yeah, I graduated early and started DOCH when I was 17.

With your trapeze partner? Yes, Mira Leonard.

Were you with her at the Première Rampe? Yes, it was the youth version of the Monte Carlo circus festival, which happens a month before the adult one. We didn't win gold, silver or bronze, but we did receive some kind of trophy. I think they gave everyone one as a prize just for taking part. I don't really remember how it went, I was so young [laughs] but it was a very interesting experience; all these Chinese, Russian and Mongolian children, and us! We were amazed by how heavily drilled all those tiny kids were, because we just did circus for the fun of it.

Was it because you were tiny that you became flyer or what made you choose it? Being tiny helped a lot. I was always the smallest and lightest person in my class, so I was just used to climbing on people. But then I was also just this little reckless child. I would stand on the highest furniture and jump off and be like, ‘CATCH ME!’. And my parents would have to run through the apartment and slide on the floor and save me from dying. [Laughs] So I guess I had like the adrenaline-rush-addictive part of me already as a child.

What advice would you give to someone wanting to take up flying? You have to be brave… For sure, you have to be brave but more so you have to be a very trusting person. What I see with a lot of people who aren’t that good at flying is that if someone says: “It’s fine, I’ll catch you,” they don’t believe them. But for me, if someone says that, I trust them to have the good judgment of knowing that they can catch me; maybe not perfectly but so that I don’t injure myself gravely. So [laughs] it’s a lot about just believing in what people say. Hearing: “Yeah, I think this is safe to try,” I go, ‘You think so? OK, then I think so, too’. That’s a very big part of it.

We’ve noticed that DOCH produces really excellent artists; why do you think that is? When I was going to choose circus schools I was really doubting whether I wanted to do DOCH, because in one way I wanted to move aboard and experience a school in a different country. But in the end I chose DOCH because there’s something about the vibe there that is very welcoming; it’s kind of a light, happy vibe that I get from that place, and my coach in trapeze – Christian Vippen Vilppola – was very positive and very encouraging, whereas a lot of coaches… because we auditioned and we got into other schools and other coaches were a bit more Russian style, never say that anything’s good. If someone’s more or less OK, then you know you did it really well. I don’t really believe in that method of learning things, and that’s one thing that really helps at DOCH that in general it’s quite a positive vibe.

Then it has good reputation so the people applying there are already quite good, and the level of the students has to be pretty good before they start. And then we had quite intensive training. We’d have a lot of different ways of doing things and the school is constantly adapting to each year. They don’t have one way of doing things. For example, our class was really into movement and dance, and we had a lot of ideas about different dance teachers and choreographers that we’d like to have as guest teachers. So we students could suggest: “Oh, this person, from this country is really cool, could we maybe have a workshop with them?” The school would be like: “We’ll look into it,” and after that it would happen. Then we’d have a block of two weeks with this teacher, and I think that’s something that’s really special about DOCH that they do listen to their students’ feedback a lot. They constantly try to adapt to the students’ needs. The year below us was more into theatre and stage acting so they had more of that.

We also had a lot of discipline hours, I think two hours a day of our main discipline and then – I don’t remember – some hours a week with our second discipline, and everyone had acrobatics and I, as a flyer, had two hours a week of trampoline for a year or two to practise the different things I do in the air. Also what we did a lot, we had a lot of presentations. Basically we’d have presentations every other Friday, and we’d get different tasks each time, so we learnt that we had to produce material and ideas. Of course, it cannot always become something good if you have to do it every other week and you’re always tired from training all the time. So then it forces us to learn to fail, and it’s OK and that you can learn a lot from failure. I think that’s such an important thing for artists in general, to not be afraid of trying out ideas that could fail. That’s something they really encourage us to do as well; to not always succeed.

What sort of things have you done since graduating? I graduated almost four year ago and since then I’ve been doing so many different things. Like, each project has been quite a new experience, so I’ve done everything from… the year I graduated I was working quite a lot in Sweden at Cirkus Cirkör, with the Christmas show, and then I did a show called Borders with them, which celebrated their 20-year anniversary. But also they thought: “We can’t only celebrate in times like this,” so it was a show about borders and refugees. There were 19 people on stage and it was a mix between actors, circus artists and musicians. It was a sort of WOW project that lasted four months and then it was over.

Then I did a site-specific show on an island in Denmark. It’s an island that was man-made to build ships on, so we were exploring it. We did a bit of acrobatics but there wasn’t much circus; it was a dance choreographer who made the work. It was really interesting and we learnt a lot about how to take in different environments and how to relate to them. It was a promenade show. Then I did a show in Berlin for six months…

At the Chamäleon? Yes exactly. It was called Roots with the Czech company Cirq La Putyka. We played it in Prague maybe 50 times as well. Last year I had more of a year doing my own projects with my friends. We did one show that we performed a bit in Berlin and a bit in Oregon. We were called The Leftover Company. It was something that happened after performing a lot in Berlin and seeing all these leftover people everywhere so we took inspiration from that. We thought how can we make Icarian Games more leftover-y; we created a lot of crash acro, basically, and wobbly acro.

Wobbly is a bit of a trend… Yeah, I feel it has to do with people being a bit tired of being so rigid and perfect. They just want to be a bit more loose. It’s fun because there are so many different ways of doing it. We have a trapeze act where I’m kind of all limp, which we did in Roots, but this crash acro is really more explosive, like, kind of aggressive crashes. [Laughs]  

How did you get involved with Barely Methodical Troupe? I met those guys at the wedding of some friends of ours in Australia. It was Dan and Rhiannon Cave-Walker’s wedding, who were in my year in DOCH. After the wedding we hung out for a bit and were acro-jamming on the beach. Then BMT contacted me and asked if I might be interested in joining their next show. I was like, ‘Yeah!’.

Have you seen their other shows? No, I haven’t but as the circus world is so small, and so many friends of mine have, it seems like I have and I can imagine what they were like. I’d really like to see them. They are very fun to work with, very easy to work with and very encouraging and motivated. In general there’s this positive, fun, playful vibe going around, which, without seeing their shows, I can imagine translates to the stage.

Are you able to you tell us anything about the new show? I won’t say too much. We’ve been inventing new acts and working a lot with elastic bands, Thera-bands, the kind they usually use for rehab. So we have quite a lot of them in the show and in general we’ve been working a lot with elasticity. Throughout this process I actually learnt how to say that word because for me it was a very hard word to say [laughs] so I’m very proud every time I manage it.

Can you pick out some highlights from your career so far? Yes, a lot of things, but I must say the Chamäleon contract in Berlin was a really life-changing experience, also because I got to stay in one city for half a year and have stable work and do 180 shows in a row. That’s a quite insane thing to do. I don’t know if I could it again but I’m very glad I did it. So that was one highlight and then this past year I’ve been doing a show – Knekke Greine – together with my friends in the forest. It’s a show where we encourage people to remember that we have go out into nature and explore the woods even though you live in the city. It’s a very interactive performance and it’s more of a forest/nature guided walk with a lot of crazy interactions happening all around. The creation was just in the woods in Sweden so that’s been really fun.

Esmeralda appears in the world premiere of Barely Methodical Troupe’s Shift at the Spiegeltent in Chapelfield Gardens during the Norfok and Norwich Festival from 16-27 May 2018.

Picture credits: Headshot, Di Robson; Shift, Chris Nash; wobbly trapeze, Einar Kling-Odencrants

For Shift tickets click here

Esmeralda on Facebook and Barely Methodical Troupe’s website

Twitter: @BMTroupe @NNFest

Follow @TheWidowStanton on Twitter

Read our archive interviews with BMT’s Charlie Wheeller and Louis Gift

[coreycorner]

Power Up by AC/DC - CCCC1/2

Look, I love AC/DC! Anyone who knows me personally or is just a acquaintance of mine knows I am a AC/DC fan. I would say of all of the most distinguishable characteristics me that people tend to think of me when or if they ever do think of me is my love for AC/DC. They are my band it really is as simple as that.

I have reviewed all of their albums, I own all of their albums almost twice over except for the River Plate live album (though I own the DVD of it which is my excuse for why I don’t own the CD/vinyl) but I don’t feel like that counts but maybe someday I will just get that just to be completionist. I feel as though I should re review those albums because I have grown up a bit since then and my views of AC/DC have slightly differed though do not get me wrong they will more than likely be the same now as they were back then. I guess what I mean by that is I find myself changing which albums I love from them fairly often. Highway to hell and Back in Black will probably always hold the 1 or 2 spot every other album goes through a rotation of sorts as I have grown up.

I have been an AC/DC fan since late 1997 though if you really want to be technical about it I have been an AC/DC fan since 1993 when I heard Big Gun for the first time. I think I was destined to be a AC/DC fan because unlike most if not all of the bands I have liked in my life there has been one or two bands that have been constant throughout my evolution in my music taste. One I would say is Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band but most importantly and most evident is AC/DC.

I speak of my musical evolution because over the summer and fall I had taken upon myself to really do a musical biography of myself. What I mean by that is since 2006 every year I would for shits and giggles create a playlist of all the music I liked for that specific age of my life. I lost the playlists around 2014 when I got a new computer and I also sort of lost them again over this year when the place I housed them (8tracks.com) shut down for good. I had become a subscriber of Spotify and found they had 90% of the music so I decided they would be the new house for my playlists. I do plan on recreating them on my own computer so I don’t lose them (again hopefully) but Spotfy had such a large library I felt like I should do it there first so I could catch every song I could that would be accurate. Now that I have the playlists down it is just a matter of creating them on my computer as well.

Anyways I am veering too far off the road here, point is it was very interesting listening to how my tastes in music evolved during my life. Where I started with and where I am not but again the constant has always been AC/DC. Maybe Weird Al Yankovic too but I don't know if there is another band that has made more apparent and pivotal appearances in my life’s playlists and life in general than AC/DC.

I remember listening to Big Gun for the first time as a 8 or 9 year old and just being fucking floored. It is still one of those songs that always floors me to this day, I just listened to it and I can’t but always just get into a pumped up mood when that song plays. If I knew more about music or had more dispensable money at that time (though lets me honest if I did I probably would have just spent it on candy, toys or renting movies/games instead which is what I often did) I would have bought more AC/DC but I don't think I was ready.

Fast forward December 1997 the I was watching WWF Monday Night Raw when I heard Stone Cold Steve Austin come out in a Austin 3:16 truck to Back in Black. Again I was floored the same way as I was in 1993, I had to hear that song again. Over the year of 1998 I would educate myself with what AC/DC music was and was quickly becoming a huge fan of theirs. Metallica at the time was my favourite band but after Napster and a bad performance at Woodstock 99 I decided to say fuck you to Metallica and AC/DC officially became my favourite band right before the millennium and since then they have been my favourite band.

I have found myself asking myself a lot these days how is it that a environmental feminist whom most consider to be a lefty or in some arena’s a “socialist” be so infatuated with a band whose fan base is very right wing and conservative and whose lyrics if you actually read them really walk a sharp line of being sexist. I am willing to bet if AC/DC was a new band today they would probably catch a shit ton of flack if they wrote the kind of songs they wrote from the 70s-90s but since they are basically of legend and untouchable status most people let that pass as they are from a different time.

I have chose not to answer that question for some time mainly because I couldn’t come with a straight answer but after listening to this album I feel I know the answer but then I guess I always known and just had to be reminded.....it’s the riffs.

Something about how Mal and Angus Young play that just get me in the right way. I cannot describe but that is really what draws me to AC/DC, it is the riffs because it sure as hell isn’t the lyrics most of the time.

Since I have been an AC/DC fan there has been 4 albums that have been released, funny enough all were recorder where I have lived in the past 15 years (Vancouver, BC Canada); Stiff Upper Lip, Black Ice, Rock or Bust and now Power Up.

I remember the day I listened to Stiff Upper Lip for the first time like it was yesterday though it has been more than 20 years ago now. My parents and I decided to spend a weekend at West Edmonton Mall’s Fantasyland Hotel. I brought my Sega Dreamcast with me during that trip. I knew that the album was going to come out the weekend I was there. I remember being the very first kid to enter the HMV that early morning. I grabbed the album which came with a sticker and guitar pick and bought it with my babysitter money. The rest of my babysitter money went to buying Crazy Taxi. Once I made those purchases I spent the rest of the day playing Crazy Taxi and Stiff Upper Lip. That created a tradition that I have held to this day that I must be gaming while I am playing AC/DC. For Black Ice I remember buying the album right after work in 2008. I had just bought the new Ridge Racer game for Xbox 360 and when I got home I played that game while listening to the album and I don't know if I have ever had such a fun time listening to an album for the first time as I did during that initial play through of Black Ice. 

When Rock or Bust came out sadly there wasn't any new racing games out that I wanted to play (I am not much of a racing fan) so I decided to play an old favourite of mine as a kid Cruisin’ USA for the N64. I remember buying that album in Newfoundland as I had just arrived there a week or two after coming back to Canada from my European tour. I had that album on full blast for hours. However I am not going to lie, I was pretty disappointed with that album.

For all intensive purposes Rock or Bust is probably the worst of the four albums that have came out since I have been officially an AC/DC fan. It left me wanting more and not in a good way. There was really only one or two good songs on the album, two that were absolutely killer but everything else wasn’t good at all and seemed to just exemplify AC/DC’s main weaknesses to me; the lyrics especially. I felt like if this was AC/DC’s last album then that is unfortunate because it wasn’t a great outing. I felt if there was an album that they could be proud to hang it up on it was Black ice and I know I am not the only one who thought that way.

Despite the album being very lack lustre their live show which I got to see twice for the Rock or Bust tour was still awesome but I am not going to lie I am so glad I got to see them live twice because not long after Brian Johnson was kicked out of the band and it seemed as though the band simply imploded. I knew AC/DC wasn’t really done but I knew it was going to be awhile before anything was going to happen.

in 2018 I soon found out they were recording in Vancouver again and I couldn’t help but be excited and anticipating an album to come out either at the end of 2018 or at least somewhere in 2019, that didn’t happen.

By 2020 I felt like it was pretty fucking ridiculous, AC/DC is usually pretty quick with things when it comes to album making. By the time they are in the studio they usually already have everything written and it is just a matter of getting it recorded then releasing but this basically took 2 years since recording to release. Mind you 2020′s COVID-19 probably had something to do with them releasing it so late but closing to release it a day after my birthday (today) isn’t a bad idea.

So I have listened to this album front to back at least 3 or 4 times. I broke the tradition slightly though, I do not have any racing games. Actually that is a lie I do but none new and none I felt like playing or remembered to want to play so instead I played NHL 21 and quite honestly it didn’t make a difference I still fucking loved this album. I played it on my way to the eye doctor to get an eye test and I played on my way home again. I think at this point I feel I can give a good honest opinion of the album.

It is very much better than Rock or Bust, infinitely better I would say. That being said it doesn’t have the solid hit power of the songs Rock or Bust or Play Ball but what Power Up has that Rock or Bust doesn’t is that it is a solid ass kicking album from front to back with very litte what I would call filler. Rock or Bust I feel like had two very good songs, one ok song and the others that was just flat out filler and cringe worthy. This one however had very little and the ones that may have seemed somewhat cringeyish (I will get to that soon) were still very listenable because the riffage is just so fucking good on this album. 

Look this is an AC/DC album, you more or less know what you are going to get with them. Love them or hate them you have to respect the fact that while they may not hit it out of the park every time you know you going to at least get some good cuts of hard rock from the back who really is the best hard rock band of all time and I defy anyone who could tell me other wise because I am willing to bet the one you think is better than AC/DC probably thinks AC/DC is the best too.....just sayin’. Lets start with the song breakdown, I will write it as I am listening to.

Realize - Not going to lie when I first heard this song as a single the day before this album came out I didn’t entirely like it. But while playing NHL 21, drinking beer and eating doniars this song put me in the mood to listen. The riffage feels a little different from what I remember from them but still very much AC/DC. Definitely put me in the mood.

Rejection - Very much a typical AC/DC sounding song, this song got me pumped up for sure but I will say the lyrics are a bit cringe worthy. It sounds very rapey, white male privieldgey. Maybe it is just my mind set but it felt like it could have been spoken to a woman but let me be clear they don’t say whether they are talking to a woman or not but the lyrics either way are not very good. With that said the riffs are vintage AC/DC. Look we don’t go to AC/DC for poetic lyrics, great lyrics and AC/DC do not go together and haven’t been together since Back in Black where I am more than positive now that some of those lyrics had to come from Bon Scott. With that said we don’t come for the lyrics but the riffs and this song delivers on that.

Shot in The Dark - This was the first song I heard from the album a few weeks ago. I listened to it half way drunk from a long fucking day and this song was a shot in the arm I needed I feel like I know I am not the only one who felt that way especially after losing Eddie Van Halen the day that song came out. It is just a solid vintage AC/DC song. Easily the best song on the album.

Through The Mists of Time - When I heard this song title it seemed very weird, this doesn’t sound like a song title from an AC/DC album. Song titles are usually very clique, tongue and cheek and often involve either rock in the title or something perverted. The song itself also sounds somewhat out of character for AC/DC. Again don’t get me wrong it still sounds like AC/DC but slightly different. I would say this is my second favourite song on the album easily. It is poppy yes but I don't care I like a bit of pop with my rock and at least this delivers still.

Kick You When You’re Down - We go from a song that I didn’t quite expect from AC/DC to a song that I expected from them. The song is not bad however still very much a clique song. Well the lyrics are clique but the groove grows on you. It is still very much a toe tapper that you will enjoy for sure but very cliquey.

Witch’s Spell - This song feels like it could have come from Black Ice and in that  I fell in love in with this song pretty quickly, even the lyrics were not half bad. This is another great song on the album, 3rd best maybe or 2nd I do not know but it is definitely one of the highlights of the album.

Demon Fire - This was another one where i heard not in the context of within the album that I felt unsure of but by the time this song came on I was already well on board with the cut of this album’s lib that I was willing to be open to whatever this album thrown at me next. I think this song works very well in the context of the album it is in. I don’t know if I could like it as a stand alone song but AC/DC isn’t exactly about stand alone songs. They have always been a album band where the collection of songs are all supposed to work together. They make albums meant to be listened to from front to back in your vehicle or in the case of me doing other stuff in order to heighten the fun. Its meant to be int he background of fun. This song is meant to be there to make the moment funner and it works. It is a song that grows on you like Kick You When You’re Down. By the end of the song it wins you over.

Wild Reputation - This sounds very similar to Kick You When You’re Down, same kind of groove and clique. I don’t really have much of an opinion of this song though. Like Demon Fire it works int he context of the album and with the album.

No Man’s Land - Another clique hard rock song but because it is AC/DC it works better than it should, as long as you don’t listen to the lyrics. I sound like I am hard on the lyrics but honestly I am because they sort of stink. It has always been a weakness with AC/DC but it hasn’t been more evident than in these last two albums. They really need to get someone who can do it better. I know they won’t but one could hope.

Systems Down - I love how this song started but like every other song it is just a typical solid ass kicking hard riffing AC/DC song. It’s as simple as that.

Money Shot - If there was any filler songs where the shit lyrics wasn’t clouded with good riffs it would be this song. I think this song is the bad song on the album, I don’t like it. The riffs are ok but generic and the lyrics may have worked in the 80s or 90s but just screams laziness to me. If not for a typically good Angus guitar solo this song would be a fun blown stinker.

Code Red - I know some people like this song but I don’t see the appeal they do. Don’t get me wrong this song is still a decent hard rock song, earlier better than Money Shot. Vintage AC/DC hard rock but a fairly forgettable song in the grand scheme of things. I don’t know if I would have ended the album with this but at the end of the day it wasn’t the worst choice.

Like I have said before you more or less know what you are going to get with an AC/DC album, they are not going to change the formula and they should be respected for that. Sometimes it is good to know you can always know you can rely on certain things to always be a certain way.

Of the 4 albums that have come out since I have technically been a fan I would say this is probably the second best album of the 4, maybe third best I dunno because Stiff Upper Lip is a solid album in of itself to but that album requires the right mood where this album is vintage AC/DC to the fucking bone. Nothing about this album is really surprising at the end of the day it delivers the way you expect an AC/DC album should. With that said it is not as good as Black ice but I was never expecting it to. In all honesty I got what I wanted to a degree and came out more satisfied with this one than I did with Rock or Bust.

With that said the weaknesses with this album are the same as they were with Rock or Bust; weak lyrics and the album is way too short. The lyrics I can forgive though i am always going to be critical of them for it but the fact that this album is only 41 minutes long to me is questionable. it is longer than Rock or Bust but you can tell me especially after publicly saying that there is a mountain of riffs untapped in the vault that you could not come out with an album that is at least an hour long. AC/DC albums only really come out every 5-8 years so you can't tell me that 2 years of working on this album with a mountain of riffs at your disposal that you could only put out 41 minutes worth.

If I was Angus and the boys I would have been plugging to make a full on double album or at least 2 45 min albums. One be Power Up and another 2 or 3 years later or something. or better yet just don't make anything till you figured out which riffs work and just make one last colossal album and make that be the last. Not like you have very many albums left in the tank anyways. Brian is nearly deaf, Cliff can’t tour hard anymore and everyone is north of 60 you guy’s music isn’t as easier to play live as the Stones who could probably play well into their 90s at this rate.

Maybe I am just hard on them but I love AC/DC, I put them on a higher pedestal than others. With that said my grading system for them is different than others. When I grade them I grade them in comparison to their other albums. So a CCC could very well be a CCC1/2 or CCCC when compared to other bands. This album deserves a high rating but not too high. At the end of the day I feel CCCC1/2 is very fair for this album. It is great AC/DC album. It is an album you can play start to finish and thoroughly enjoy. It’s a bit corny and still short but all things considered you get a good dose of hard rock with this and that is all that matters. This album more than confirmed why they are my all time favourite band.