#oblivious motherfuckers

[wolfstarshipping]

The Things We'd Do For A Coffee Maker (6805 words) by AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs Rating: General Audiences Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter muggle AU, fake dating

Summary: In which to cover up a lie to Lily, Sirius and Remus have No Choice but to get fake married.   “So what you’re saying is, you’re planning to marry Sirius for. . . fun?” “And for a coffee maker, yes.”

Comment: This fic had everything I want from a fake dating fic, and the premise of Sirius sending Lily a fake wedding invite to get a free coffee maker is just so hilarious, if you haven't read it already I highly recommend reading it!

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

i have a Scene - a Plot if you will - that backs this as context. y'all are gonna have to trust me on this one <3 or read the tags...

[schizosamwincester]

Dean: "Maybe? Maybe? What if you were wrong?"

Sam: "Huh. Honestly that thought hadn't occurred to me"

I love you so much Sam Winchester

[rascheln]

SQQ, seeing a pretty man: immediately launches into description of how beautiful the guy is

SQQ: "I'm not gay!!"

Me:

[adastra121]

Leander: If I was the last person in the world would you date me? owo MC: If you were the last person in the world... MC: I wouldn't exist...?

[t4tdanvis]

Zane makes Gene’s coffee order perfectly out of spite and Gene keeps trying to talk to him because well. No one else makes his drink right. And Zane’s really hot. He can handle being insulted if it means he can have a proper coffee and he can oogle Zane while he makes drinks.

zane memorizes gene's coffee order. out of spite of course. he also knows exactly when gene comes in every morning. for no reason other than to prepare the flirty mean things hes going to say

[mentality-of-wukong-au]

Mathias:you very sure..?

Zhong: Definitely! I wanna be friends, really!

[lexicog]

𝖠 A AＡ ♫𝅗𝅥

[friendball-irl]

where the FUCK is my phone

Been looking for it all day and I've resorted to using my computer

Meh, regardless

How are you guys doing today?

[friendsforanotherday]

like i know teenage boys can be absolute clowns but you guys DO remember that Mike isn’t even 15 yet right?

[superdummymags]

nothin like overthinking an ask you got before you go to eep

[sturnsdoll]

𝘏𝘖𝘛𝘌𝘓 -`♡´- - C.S

inspired by: this pairing: chris x ("bestfriend"!) reader summary: your bestfriend is bored at night so he comes to your hotel room. what activities will he think of to keep himself entertained?? warnings: smut w slight background, dirty talk, lots of praise, friends to lovers, dom!chris x sub!reader, fingering, swearing, cocky chris?, word count: 2700 authors note: as soon as i saw the post asking for someone to make something like this i knew i had to turn tf up. hope i did the request justice 😛 "pink" = reader speaking "orange" = chris speaking

「 ✦Hotel by montell fish ▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊|• 0:10 ᯤ✦ 」

it had been nothing short of a long day. you and the triplets had been out all day taking a road trip. you were just excited to get to the hotel with your friends and sleep. you, matt and nick were all exhausted but chris, your bestfriend, was still bursting with energy.

you and the triplets entered the hotel and let nick take care of obtaining the keys and room numbers. the plan was that you would have your own room and nick, matt and chris would share a two bed room for the night.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

matt was out no less than five minutes after all of you found your rooms and nick was practically non-verbal on his phone. chris was on the edge of the bed by nicks feet yappin' away about his day. no matter how obvious it was that nick wanted his space, chris couldn't bring himself to just be quiet.

"i just feel like-" "chris oh my god" nick interupted. this caused chris to go quiet with a look that said 'what?' on his face. oblivious. "i need you to shush motherfucker go to sleep or go bug your little girlfriend" nick complained as he rolled over.

chris glared at him for referring you his girlfriend. then after him and nick exchanged a few choice words (mainly consisting of nick telling him to shut the fuck up) chris chose to go bother you instead.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

music played at a comfortable volume in your hotel room. you set down your toothbrush and turned the tap off. about to start on your skincare, you were interupted by a knock on the door. approaching the door you were expecting it to be cleaners or something, but upon the door opening you found chris.

"hey" he hardly greeted as he let himself in past you to sit on your bed. you sighed as you closed the door and looked at him with a look that asked what he was doing bugging you at this hour. "nick kicked me out" chris half jokes as his eyes scan you quickly. he caught notice of the way the cold exposed your nipples through your tank top. his eyes went back to your eyes before you could notice him looking.

as comfortable as you were with chris, recently there had just been these moments where you were sure you were both flirting with eachother or that there was some kind of tension. you had shrugged it all off though because although your feelings for chris were more than just platonic, you knew there was no way he felt the same. however something about being alone with him made you nervous.

"so you came to annoy me instead? great" your voice was sarcastic but in a playful manner. you headed for the bathroom to finish your nightly routine. "shut up you love me" chris retorts, following you to the bathroom.

you sat up on the counter criss crossed and begun pulling serums, washcloths and cleansers from your bag. chris enjoyed watching you do everyday things like this. he came behind you, leaning forward to rest his chin on your shoulder, watching you in the mirror. his palms pressing into the counter. feeling his warm body so close to yours made you feel safe, comforted (also a little hot inside.)

you were both silent as your music filled the room. while you nurtured your face his eyes were glued to you, admiring you the entire time.

once you finished you gave chris a smile in the mirror "you know your gonna have to go back with nick and matt really soon chris i'm tired" you tried to turn around but he wrapped his arms around you from behind. embracing the hug as much as you could from this position, you leaned your head back and placed your arms on his. "but i'm bored" he complained. there was something almost mischevious in his eyes that you couldn't quite place. "but i'm tired" you said, mocking him.

his voice comes out quieter and lower next to your ear "oh i'm sure i could wake you up" there's a grin or maybe even a smirk on his face. you were sure he didn't mean anything sexual but still your face heats up and your sure that due to your bodies touching, he can feel the way your heartbeat begins racing.

you look at him with a shy smile although not knowing what to say. the song changed and the familiar start to hotel by montell fish begins playing.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙞 𝙢𝙚𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢, 𝙞 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙬𝙨" ⊹ ࣪ ˖

an unspeakable tension grows and maybe it's your imagination but you swear a slight smirk spreads on his face. you don't realize it but it's been a minute now and you've said nothing back to him, only staring blankly back at him in the mirror.

"hm?" his voice snaps you out of your trance and you realized you've been silently staring at him for an uncomfortable amount of time. fuck. "i dunno i'm pretty tired" you panic at the way your voice comes out a little breathy. his voice drops slightly "you're tired hm?" his arms squeeze a little tighter around you "that why your hearts practically beating out of your chest?" his words mixed with his breath fanning your ear make you dizzy. you can't deny the mix of arousal and nervousness you're feeling. he's your bestfriend afterall, he knows you well enough to know exactly what's going through your mind right now.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪" ⊹ ࣪ ˖

so you decide to embrace those feelings. you pull his arms off of you and turn your body around so there's no choice but for your legs to dangle off the counter on either side of his waist. he's still not sure if your feeling how he is so to be safe, his hands rest on the counter next to the outsides of your thighs rather than touching you.

you quickly glance down his body then back up to his eyes. "that why you're hard?" you mock with a mischevious grin. for a split second he looks taken aback but then before you can tease him any further he grabs your thighs, dragging you closer to him. your thighs instinctively squeeze his waist. you gasp when his clothed erection pokes at your thin sleep shorts.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚"⊹ ࣪ ˖

there's a moment of silence as he searches your eyes for any sign of hesitation. instead he only finds lust and need. without skipping another beat, his hand comes to the back of your head, pulling you into a passionate makeout.

your arms wrap around his neck, trying to pull him impossibly closer. you wanted him everywhere, on you, under you, in you.

his other hand gently rubs your thigh while his lips break off from yours. he takes in your already disheveled state. lips puffy, eyes glossed over with need. "so pretty" he comments right before attacking your neck with kisses filled with teeth, tongue and sucking. a gentle whine escapes you as he lifts you off the counter. and even when he lays you on the bed his lips don't leave your neck.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙞 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣' 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢. 𝙞 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

his weight presses onto you but not suffocatingly. he subconciously ruts his hips into yours. "mm" you squirm your hips up for more but he pushes your hips back to the bed with his own. your cunt is aching to be touched in any way shape or form, so long as it's him. "chris please" your voice comes out desperate.

he completely ignored your plea but his lips do come off your neck so he can lock eyes with you. his hand slowly brushes down your side "god i bet you're soaked already" he seems as if he's speaking to himself. his fingertips brush across your hip bone now. his voice alone makes you try and close your legs to relieve some tension. with his body between them though, it's useless.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚?"⊹ ࣪ ˖

you look at him with doe eyes, wanting nothing more than his touch right now. "chris-" you begin when suddenly he pulls the band of your panties back before letting is snap against your skin "so desperate" he teases before his hand finally slips beneath the thin material. two fingers slide up and down your soaked cunt to collect your wetness on his fingers. then his middle finger makes quick work of circling your clit.

"who made you this wet, baby?" he asks with cockiness to his tone. your head goes to the side and your eyes find anywhere to look but him. you can't believe your bestfriend is talking dirty to you, while he's on you. as you let out a whiny "you" in response. he's way too entertained with how whiny and submissive you already are for him to be thinking about how shocking the situation is for you both. "mhm." he responds. his middle finger leaves your clit only to enter you along with his ring finger. a sigh of relief leaves your lips. "now look at me" his free hand grips your jaw, forcing you to face him. your eyes still avoid his though.

his fingers begin to curl repetitevly inside of you, forcing a moan from your lips. he feels his pants tighten at your reaction. "look at me or i'll stop." his tone is gentle but still commanding. it leaves you with no choice but to meet his gaze. you take notice of how much darker the lust has turned his blue eyes.

"listen so well" he praises before his lips meet yours. hearing him talk to you like this makes every ounce of your body heat up. you're already feeling close.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙥𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙞𝙣, 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙤𝙝𝙝, 𝙞, 𝙞 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪" ⊹ ࣪ ˖

he pushes his wrist forward and somehow, his fingers reach even deeper and his palm rubs your needy clit. your nails dig into the back of his neck "s-so good" you mutter as your eyes stare hooded and glossy up at your best (not-so) friend.

the cockiness is seeping off of him "yea? you like my fingers?" his movements speed up as he speaks. his voice mixed with his skilled hands nearly send you over the edge. he can feel the way you clench, threatning to finish any minute. for that very reason he rips your pleasure away.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙚 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡, 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙞 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙢𝙮𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛, 𝙢𝙮 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚. 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡. 𝙤𝙤𝙝, 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

you open your mouth to protest but he speaks before you can. "m' gonna make you feel good again, don't worry" he assures as he leaves you for a second to remove his clothes. you take this as your cue and remove everything besides your bra and panties.

chris resumes his place on the perfectly white hotel sheets. his hand is gently stroking his cock as he moves between your legs. your eyes lock with it and your desperation reaches an all time high. he's not small or thin by any means.

he smirks at the way your lips are parted, eyes watching, body waiting. he uses his free hand to push your legs open further. you knew letting your bestfriend fuck you was about to change everything for the both of you, but the way your whole body ached for him drowned out all the worries you had.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙄 𝙢𝙚𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙞𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙄 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙤 𝙗𝙖𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙬𝙨. 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪..." ⊹ ࣪ ˖

"you want your bestfriends cock sweetheart?" he asks staring down at you. "yes chris" your words come out impatiently. "then what do you say? hm?" you frustratedly watch the grin on his face as he taps his tip against your puffy clit just to tease you.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚"⊹ ࣪ ˖

you sigh "please." he can tell your frustrated. "you can do better than that" he states as he drags his tip up and down your pussy, juices coating his tip now. your hips push toward him but he only pulls back. "please fuck me chris. i need you"

"good girl." he praises, his length unexpectedly shoving into you. "god so tight" he groans the praise as he pulls back, then pounding into you again. "chris!" you shout as your hands go for the sheets but chris grasps them instead. his fingers interlock with yours, pinning your arms and hands down next to your head.

he picks up a harsh pace. uncontrollable whines and moans begin spilling from your lips. as his head drops next to yours, filthy things come out of his mouth into your ear.

you're just speechless, mouth open as your eyes roll back.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙞 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣' 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙡 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢 𝙄 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

he kisses your neck so gently, completely contradicting the roughness of how he's fucking you. "so pretty underneath me" he mumbles before his lips attatch to your neck again. you clench around him at the praise, making him groan and thrust his hips faster to chase his release as well as help you reach yours.

you whine out his name as you shut your eyes, his cock hitting the right spot everytime he thrusts his hips. one of his hands moves away from yours to slip between your bodies. his middle finger wastes no time on finding and stimulating your clit. your hips buck into his hand but with the way he's fucking you it makes no difference.

"need t-to- uh fuck" your words are cut off by a needy moan. he pulls away from your neck to look at you "what's wrong hm?" he asks with faux sympathy right before a particulary deep slam of his hips into yours, wanting to pull more of those pretty noises out of you.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙞 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙤 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

giving up on speaking you throw your head back, your free hand gripping his shoulder as you uncontrollably clenched around him, desperate noises coming from your lips one after the other.

"you need to cum?" he's out of breath and his pace begins to falter. you nod frantically. "go on then, cum with me" he says through his teeth as his hips twitch. one more thrust of his hips and his cum fills you up.

his hips still but he continues rubbing quick circles on your clit "come on, be a good girl and cum for me" his words are what send you over the edge. your hips lift of the bed, your mouth opens but nothing comes out. "fuck." chris mutters at the sight of you mixed with feeling of you clenching around his cock, milking him dry.

he pulls out but massages your clit a little longer, letting you work through your high before collapsing on the bed next to you. you roll on your side and he does the same, spooning you. the both of you leave nothing to be heard but deep breaths as you both smile at the experience that just occured.

⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪"⊹ ࣪ ˖

after chris finally got himself up to clean the both of yours mess you both got dressed and took seats on the bed facing one another. there was an almost awkward silence, not surprising considering you just let your bestfriend fuck the shit out of you.

you speak first "i don't just wanna fuck" you state with a worried expression. he stares at you for a moment and you think he's about to tell you he doesn't want any kind of relationship. "is that what you want?" you were quiter and much more sheepish now. you looked like you wanted to retract into your own skin and never come out. he quickly smiled. he playfully slaps his no-longer bestfriends shoulder. "no dumbass i want you" he says before scooching closer, grabbing your hips to pull you into his lap. then placing a delicate kiss on your lips.

you smile down widely at him "great. now can we fucking sleep?" you ask exhaustedly. "yup" he responds, standing up while holding you before tossing you on the bed and climbing in next to you. ⊹ ࣪ ˖"𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡, 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚, 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙣' 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙢𝙚?"⊹ ࣪ ˖

(sorry for the stupid ending 🙏)

[not-the-cheese]

one sentence(ish) summaries of every magnus archive episode PART 2

(eps 61-110) thank u for the funny comments and tags on the last part i love u guys

the rest of these may take a while as i've caught up to where i am currently in the podcast but i will finish them like in a month i promise

----

61. the thrilling sequel to man does not open coffin: man DOES open coffin.

62. surely this doctor can find an easier way to scam people out of money than putting them in a little book.

63. THE DARK ATE MY BROTHER IN LAW.

64. this is possibly the plot of laura croft tomb raider

65. mmm crumchy

66. what's the opposite of an unboxing video

67. as close to a coffeeshop au as you're going to get from this podcast

68. Doctors hate him! Man REFUSES to die from tuberculosis!

69. your college's psych department has the worst idea ever.

70. reverse death note

71. not even death will stop this woman from taking the british subway

72. man doesn't want to be low key racist in his last moments before getting eaten

73. police versus the second coming of dark jesus

74. lady is haunted by an ad for coffee

75. mike crew says "uh fuck it let's just put this guy on a skyscraper forever"

76. ryan from buzzfeed unsolved breaks into a train yard and suffers consequences

77. you're not a enough of a bitch to be my real mom

78. man gets harassed by his cousin and then exorcises him

79. you know that chase scene in scooby doo with the doors

80. stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner

81. i have been personally victimized by the sequel to the hungry hungry caterpillar

82. pov: elias threatens to cancel you

83. mannequin takes matters into its own hands after people don't like its pitch for a new window display

84. a hoarder put newspaper on my friend's face :(

85. hey there's maybe a little man upon these stairs?

86. man gets got by a squiggly thing in the dark.

87. plumber is so oblivious to spooky happenings around him that it possibly saves his life.

88. guys i think this guy likes to dig

89. lesbian investment banker finds a new, less evil job: arson!

90. guy who turns people's bones starts a gym where he promises not to turn your bones! (he is lying)

91. i was stalked by lightning for 10 years and i all i got were these stupid scars

92. jonah magnus is a bad friend // another day another elias slay

93. ocd is no match for purple fuzz

94. let the bodies drop gently to the floor let the bodies drop gently to the floor

95. im so sorry my brain refuses to remember what the war ones were about but i think one guy got gently kissed on the forehead so that's pretty nice.

96. diversity wins! the not-quite-human delivery men who stole your identity and business are maybe gay?

97. man gets gaslighted by an entire town about a hole

98. 🎶mister sandman bring me a dream, actually don't, please stay far from me 🎶

99. another one bites the dust

100. archival assistants face off against the general public (they lose)

101. jon finally levels up high enough to unlock an eldritch horror's tragic backstory

102. LOCAL MAN MARRIES BUG

103. peppa eats a clown and they cover her in concrete instead of congratulating her.

104. pennywise stole my brother's skin

105. it's world war z baby

106. Something Big Is In Space.

107. man is interrogated about the time he saw thomas the train roasts people alive and also sans is there

108. actor is stalked by mask who liked his monologue so much that it tells its mask friends to come watch.

109. sometimes a family is just a serial killer's daughter and that guy who maybe killed some vampires

110. yeah man those spiders be eating

Part 1 |

[darlingbabyboo]

"What's wrong with me?"

♡ Luffy doesn't understand why the sight of you with Ace makes something ignite in him ♡

Reader is described as a girl and shorter then Luffy and Ace. Also, suspend your disbelief, timeline is not at all canon compliant. Also also, not edited in the slightest :)

Ace is being introduced and everything and Luffy is so happy

He loves his brother so much and seeing him is a dream

He's a natural charmer too, the entire crew is smitten with him

And some might be a bit too smitten with him

So rewind a bit, what exactly is your relationship with Luffy?

You're a really valuable member of the crew Luffy values you an extra lot

Since Luffy doesn't have a subtle bone in his entire body literally everyone knows that he's in love with you

Everyone except for you

Luffy might be the most obvious motherfucker but you're the most oblivious motherfucker

Match made in heaven

The crew is sick of your shit

But it's all going to be over soon thanks to a certain flame boi

Going back to Ace

When you saw Ace, your jaw dropped (and honey, who can blame you?)

And when Ace saw you, he was equally impressed because you're also quite a beauty

"I-it's so nice to see you." You can't help but stammer when you see Luffy's older brother. He's so- attractive!

"I should be saying that to you." He gives you an awards-winning smile and you try not to faint. "I love your curls."

You try to compose yourself as he leans in closer, your foreheads brushing against each other. You think- he's trying to break you. And lo and behold, his next words makes your heart skip a beat.

"I've certainly never seen such a beauty in all of the seas."

You can't handle it, your legs start to tremble, you're definitely going to fall over. You can feel yourself going...

Until, Ace wraps his arms around your waist to stop you

The crew watches the scene with a bit of amusement at the lovey-dovey scene

Luffy's not as impressed

"Ace! Let me show you around the ship." In the middle of you, pushing both of you apart (using a bit of his devil fruit to make sure that you guys stay far away from each others)

You pout, upset that your moment has been interrupted

Ace is equally disappointed

And Luffy is now filled with determination to make sure both of you never talk to each other again

"Hey, gorgeous, wanna night watch together? The stars are almost as beautiful as you."

"Oh, well-"

"She's going to be too busy!" Luffy pops in, out of nowhere. Not even remotely near you when the conversation was happening. Lying through his rubber skin because you have fucking nothing to do.

That's how all your interactions with Ace go on for the entirety of his stay

"Gorgeous, wanna walk around the island a bit?"

"That'd be great! I just need to-"

"Too bad that she's helping Sanji search for food!"

"What? No, I'll be fine. You can go with Ace if you want." Sanji doesn't want to be dragged into the weird love triangle with Luffy and his brother.

Luffy, in a shocking display, glares at Sanji and stretches to wrap his arms around you, pulling you into him. He nozzles into you, despite your gasp at the quick motion, "she'll be with me and Usopp, so she can't come with you." He sticks his tongue out at Ace as an extra measure, though his older brother only gives a playful smile.

The crew also has their own playful smiles

Luffy is experiencing jealousy so badly and him talking about his feelings is such a laugh

He tries to talk to you but he's horrible at talking about his feelings and also has such a soft spot for you that he's not match for it

"I didn't think that your brother was like that." You swoon. Luffy wonders if he's imaging hearts in your eyes. Why do you have those. Ace is cool but not that cool.

"I didn't think you would react like that." He huffs out, "I don't even know why you're talking to him this much, he likes you too much."

You laugh, thinking he's just being silly possessive like he is over the rest of the crew. "He's just being friendly. Nothing wrong with that."

"I think there's a lot wrong with that." He insists, a prominent pout on his face and arms crossed.

"Luffy, it's not a big deal."

"Yeah, well..." He trails off when you tilt up and place your hands on his cheeks.

"It's fine Luffy, don't worry." You smile up at him.

A strange feeling swarms in him. Is he hungry right now? All he knows is that he wants your smile aimed at him forever.

When Ace is about to leave, Luffy is practically dragging him away.

He loves his brother, he does, truly

Just doesn't like the chemistry that he has with you

"I'll miss you, beautiful." Ace offers you a charming smile and you bite your bottom lip, giving him a bashful look.

"O-oh, th-thank-"

"Okay, bye Ace, won't see you for a long time!"

He pushes Ace onto his boat, the crew watching in amusement and Ace laughing the entire time.

"Now you can spend more time with me again!" He wraps his arms around you, you giggle at him.

"Sure Luffy- and there's no need to be jealous- out of the two of you, you're my favourite!"

Oh, maybe you weren't that oblivious after all.

Luffy's smile widens when he hears that, hugging you tighter.

No matter what jealousies, you two will always be each others favourites ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

[narcissistshandler]

Hello! Can you make a Joker(windbreaker)X top male reader? Where the reader becomes jealous because Joker is always with Wooin and pays little attention to him and as a form of punishment he fucks Joker and makes him cum several times. Please!

𝗠𝗬 𝗣𝗥𝗢𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗧𝗬

pairing. joker x male reader

warnings. sub!bottom joker, top!dom! reader, amab!reader, anal fingering, overstimulation, anal sex, jealous!reader

a/n. hope you like it ♡

From the beginning, you knew you weren't Joker's number one priority. There was a list with several names and even though yours was in a high position, you weren't in first place and despite accepting that he had his brothers to take care of, you absolutely couldn't bear that Wooin was apparently more important than you.

The motherfucker.

If you could, you would have long since cut off the relationship between the two, but Joker wasn't willing to talk about that, that wasn't a viable discussion. And Wooin, how amused he was knowing that not only did you not like him, but you were jealous of him and he reveled in that fact. At this point, only Joker seemed oblivious to the tension between you and Wooin.

But fuck Wooin, he couldn't have Joker and he couldn't have him like only you could, sprawled out on the bed that seemed small beneath his stature, his feet right on the edge and his head reaching the headboard. Completely naked, for your eyes only, sweat forming on the muscles of his stomach.

"One more?" you asked, tone slightly breathless just from watching Joker like this, supple, relaxed and submissive in your hands. His legs were spread around you, draped over your knees, and you watched in pure delight as his well-worked muscles bounced as your three fingers plunged into his red hole, which tightened and made a wet sound in response.

Delicious.

Joker turned his face into the wet pillow, avoiding eye contact, the messy silver locks falling over his dark eyes helping to shadow his expression of pleasure. "Uh- yes," he said, his low, husky voice eliciting a twitch from your cock. Who knew Joker could be so shy in bed? But shyness had never stopped him from surrender completely to your desires.

Everything Wooin said was ridiculous, but he wasn't completely wrong when he said that you were completely in love with Joker. The slightest thing about Joker used to make you crazy and almost instantly hard — which wasn't much fun when in public.

Your fingers spread inside him, stretching his insides, that cock lying beautifully on his stomach and over the wet puddle that grew every minute, contracted, expelling even more fluid. Sweat and semen accumulated from all the previous two orgasms.

"Of course you would say yes. You'll be able to handle as many orgasms as I want to get out of you, right, love?" you asked, sounding amused and Joker made a sound in response that might have been a laugh or a grunt, but that was immediately cut off when your digits curved and hit his prostate. "Look at you, so eager to be good."

His lower body left the bed, teeth pressing together to stifle the sounds that wanted to come out as without mercy, you attacked his swollen prostate, again, again and again. The liquid that had collected like a puddle on his torso quickly ran down his sides, dripping onto the bed. Free hand on the curve of his hip, you tried to keep him still, but Joker was stronger than you even with the tension coursing through each of his muscles and you could only watch as the violent pleasure passed like a shock through him; the bed beneath you creaking with his struggles, threatening to break.

Joker's cock jumped, strong legs twitching, feet digging into the mattress as he worked both against and away from your fingers. Obeying your desire to make him cum until nothing else came out even though sensitivity attacked all his senses. He would let you mistreat him without a word against it and today you would take advantage of it.

"You're so fucking hot," You said, watching pre-cum drip like water from the red tip of his member, "Don't hold back, I want to see you cum for me again."

Joker grunted, fingers turning white where he gripped the pillow and sheets, "Ah, f-fuck." His legs tightened around you, tensing so hard it must have hurt, his hole clenched sensually around your fingers and with a snap, he obeyed and spilled once more onto his own stomach, a tremor shaking his entire body. Small gasps and grunts left Joker's mouth, his toes curling as his cock struggled to spill something.

"[name], oh, I d-don't think I can-"

It was cute how he didn't ask or order you to stop, but instead merely tried to convince you. Adorable really, but it only made you want to ruin him even more. Maybe then, he would remember who he belonged to and maybe then, he would listen to you when you told him to keep his distance from Wooin.

"You can," you cut him off, slowly easing your fingers out of him through the contractions of his core. "See you're still hard as a rock. Don't give up on me now, I'm not done with you yet."

Joker merely nodded in weak agreement, the aftershocks of orgasm passing through him and his cock visibly twitching as it failed to expel any liquid other than the small amount that now dripped from his belly button.

Your eyes ran through him, watching the tension and residual pleasure dance across his firm muscles, the hole struggling to close around nothing, lubricant leaking from him. You were once again reminded of your own cock, painfully hard between your legs.

A ring then sounded from the nightstand and Joker immediately stirred, trying to sit up to reach his cell phone. You pushed him back, making him lie down.

"Did I say you could get up?" Joker looked from you to the nightstand and then shook his head. "Well then, lie down, I’ll see who’s calling," you said, briefly pushing your need to the side in favor of reaching for the cell phone, knowing it could be an emergency.

"[name]," Joker has rushed, discontentedly lying naked and with his legs tensed around your hips. "Who is it?"

You turned his phone so you could see the screen and the ringing seemed to become even more unbearable when you read the name of the contact who was calling. Wooin.

"Who is it?"

"No one important. Spam," you replied through gritted teeth, quickly declining the call before Joker could ask to see for himself and putting the phone back.

You repositioned yourself between his legs, feeling anger stir in your chest as you aligned the head of your cock against Joker's smooth hole and with one push, sank inside. Joker's eyes rolled back into his skull, one hand shooting out to grab your arm in an attempt to anchor himself, to hold on to something, anything. But it was a vain attempt.

Damn Wooin, you thought, teeth clenched, fingers and nails digging into Joker's lean hips to keep him still as you fucked him, hard and deep and brutal. You knew that if you told Joker that it was Wooin calling, he would definitely want to answer, if Wooin called him somewhere, he would immediately go. It could be a temporary resolution, which would only work today, but whatever, later you would remind Wooin that he didn't own Joker and today you would remind Joker who did.

Joker's sweet hole convulsed around your cock, the wet glide allowing each intense thrust to be smooth and slick. After the long hour you spent working your fingers inside him, the friction and stretching was practically nil, it was easy to ravage his hole like that. As always, his body surrendered under your attention, his cock pathetically verging on a semi-hard state, wet like a woman, twitching non-stop but not splashing anything.

Underneath the blood rushing through your ears you heard your cell phone start ringing again. Joker opened his mouth, attention shifting to the source of the sound, but you cut him off before anything was even said:

"Touch your dick."

He was still looking at the nightstand, but seeming like a purely instinctive reaction his hand left the pillow and reached for his cock, the sensitivity making him hiss through his teeth, ass clenching like a glove around you. Still, he pulled his overstimulated member through slow, tight pulls, stopping himself from going limp, without questioning even as his entire body contracted, trying to shrink and escape the stimulation.

"I don't... I don't think I can c-cum anymore," he said, those black eyes finally shifting to meet yours. Sweat stuck to his hair, a trail of drool running down his scarred chin.

"No? Now come on, if you can still talk you can still cum, am I right?" you asked through gritted teeth, each word dripping with venom as you continued to move, slamming into him hard enough that each time your crotch met his ass, the painful shock of impact went through you.

Joker just nodded in response, vertebrae flexing around his length. Seeming to notice that you weren't going to let him go anytime soon, this time he spared his words, he didn't even beg or ask for mercy, he would let you go as far as you wanted, you both knew. Fuck his ass raw? Stimulate his dick until he couldn't even get hard again? You could, always, he was yours.

You grabbed his thighs and pushed them towards his chest, moving him into a position where you could reach deeper and fuck Joker until he forgot how to talk.

"Ugh- ah, [n-name]," Joker whimpers, softly, teeth sunk into his thin lower lip.

You lean in to take his mouth for a kiss, forcing his legs even more, whether it hurts or not he doesn't say, he just parts his lips for you and looks at you with those normally cold eyes, now full of unshed tears. Your amused laugh fades when your mouth connects with his, feeling his hand working on his cock rubbing against your stomach.

The muscles grow hard beneath your fingers and tension runs through Joker's entire body as the new position makes your dick briefly touch his prostate and a new wave of tremors shakes his bones. Contained and silent sounds leave his mouth and invade yours, hoarse moans dying in his throat as another orgasm passes through him, heated and brief, like a warm-up for what would follow.

Your tongue flicked against his, saliva mixing. You didn't even notice the sound of the wood giving way and creaking, not until the thud sounded and the bed gave way under the violence of your blows. Joker pulled his mouth away from yours with a surprised exclamation at the same time the legs of the bed buckled and the structure fell.

"The bed broke."

"It's okay, leave it alone, I'm not done with you yet." The bed didn't matter, what mattered was fucking Joker to the point of exhaustion and just like that, your hips shot up, back inside the cozy heat of those sweet tight walls.

The incessant sound of the cell phone ringing occasionally faded under the sound of bodies meeting and creaking wood. Joker coming apart beneath you like the submissive puppy he was, a vision that only belonged to your eyes.

[nunalastor]

Charlie getting concerned over Lucifer's insistence on proving himself as Alastor's partner to Susan:

-

Charlie: Please dad, c'mon. This isn't worth it!

Lucifer: Charlie. She called me a gigolo. A gigolo! I don't even know what that means but I know I can't let it stand!

Charlie: Who cares!? Susan's mean to everyone! Even if you did somehow get her to like you she'd still be a mean old bitch to you!

Rosie: She absolutely would.

Lucifer: I just need to get through to her that I'm not just playing around with Alastor's (probably shriveled) heart! Cox isn't even that great, he's clearly just as bad as Susan thinks I am! Maybe, no, definitely worse!

Charlie: Wh- You don't even like Alastor!

Lucifer: Not the point.

Rosie: [Chuckles while Charlie groans.]

[Suddenly the doors burst open and Alastor storms in, murder in his eyes.]

Rosie: Enjoy your date, hon?

Alastor: Rosie dear, if you must revel in my suffering, I'd honestly rather you use pliers to remove my fingernails one by one.

[The door bursts open again and Vox and Susan stroll in, smiling and chatting.]

Vox: Oh Alastor, you left the very expensive gift I got you in the car!

Alastor: (through gritted teeth) That's very generous of you, but I-

Susan: [Growls and raises her umbrella threateningly.]

Alastor: ...Thank you.

Susan: (sweetly) Aw, what a nice young man. I don't understand why you two didn't work out.

Susan: (angrily, to Lucifer) Unlike this fuckin' cheapskate over here.

Lucifer: I built him a whole new radio tower!

Susan: Pssht. That fuckin' eyesore? I wouldn't let a pig live in that sty.

Alastor: [Actually likes the new radio tower but refuses to say so.]

Alastor: Well as lovely as it has been to spend time with the both of you, I believe it's time you were on your way. Vox does have quite the hectic schedule to return to, no?

Vox: Alas, being the CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation does eat up one's free time. If only I could spend all day locked up in my mansion playing with toys-

Lucifer: [Eye twitch.]

Vox: -or better yet, doting on you as you deserve. But you're right. I really should be getting back to my important work. It's been just wonderful to see you again, Alastor.

[Under Susan's glare, Alastor holds his hand out for a handshake. Vox takes Alastor's hand, bows, and raises Alastor's hand to his mouth for a kiss. Alastor goes rigid and flashes the radio dial eyes but before he can retaliate, Vox pulls him close and wraps his free hand around Alastor's waist.]

Vox: Until next time, Alastor~

[Vox leaves, shooting a stunned Lucifer and an infuriated Alastor a smug look. Susan is oblivious.]

Susan: Such a romantic. I might just snap him up myself at this rate!

Alastor: By all means, don't let me stand in your way.

Susan: [Swats him with the umbrella.]

Susan: Don't give me that cheek, boy. You're lucky Vox is willing to give you a second chance after you broke his heart! I hope next time I see you, you've pulled that fuck-ass bob outta yer ass and dumped the gigolo.

Susan: [Leaves.]

Alastor: ...Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go run my hand under boiling water for an hour.

Alastor: [Leaves.]

Charlie: ...Dad?

Lucifer: Yeah?

Charlie: (eyes red, horns out) Destroy that motherfucker.

Lucifer: Oh, with pleasure.

Rosie: (sipping her tea) Oooh, things are about to get really interesting...

👀