#or even reading. maybe this is a larger issue at hand about my general feeling of life

[sashimiyas]

i was at the coffeeshop today and mind you, today started off. Sad. like the hormones are doing their thing this month, i went to the coffeeshop, forgot my wallet and had to drive back, and the new barista accidentally upcharged me but i didn’t want to say anything bc he was having it Rough.

but i was sitting there, staring out while i listened to a recorded lecture, and noticed a man wearing skechers. they reminded me of when i used to wear them when i worked at my coffee shops. and i felt a kinship with this stranger just bc of it. and in that moment, i thought, ‘i hope life is good to you. i do not know you but you’re another person who’s had similar life experiences as me, as negligent and mundane as that particular experience may be.”

and i kinda realized i felt that way about all the people in the coffee shop. and it made me think about how i felt that way about you guys.

we’ve gathered in this little space, and know, i do think of you guys. and i love you guys. i sometimes miss the people who’d be in my notifications (just by liking my stuff. not even commenting or rbing) and i hope that they’re well, that they’ve found something else to be passionate about.

but anyways, i’m just being sentimental and i do this every so often. randomly declaring my love that it might get tiring but i’m gonna do it again. long winded or straight to the point.

i love you. and i’m glad that our paths have crossed the way that it has

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

 Window in His Heart

Alex Gibney’s new documentary chronicles Paul Simon’s course from voice of a generation to aging performer who’s not ready to hang up his guitar

BY DAVID YAFFE

MARCH 16, 2024

A 21-year-old Queens College student wrote a song in his parents’ bathroom about how we would all be swallowed up by death. Do your best to make music, but silence will defeat you in the end. “Hello, darkness, my old friend,” he began, singing to the tiles. This was not an obvious chart-topping topic, yet “The Sound of Silence” eventually became a No. 1 hit, and Paul Simon, with his childhood pal Artie Garfunkel rocking a harmony, broke very, very big.

When he sang, “Losing love is like a window in your heart,” he was singing about his divorce from Carrie Fisher, but he was really singing for anyone who had lost love and was still reeling. Simon lamented that he could not sound enigmatic like Dylan. He always sounded sincere. Maybe it was because he was part of something larger. “There is something where the music is coming through you,” he said. “You’re a part of it, but it’s not starting with you—it’s coming from somewhere.” O.K., but when he sold his catalogue, he kept the $250 million.

He had a farewell album in 2016 and a farewell tour in 2018, but then a voice came to him in a dream, telling him he would write something called Seven Psalms, even providing lyrics. Simon would transcribe like a biblical prophet. The message would have something to do with dying, right back to where he started in “The Sound of Silence.” Gibney’s In Restless Dreams follows Simon’s quest to record the album after the final album, while he was losing the feeling in his hands and his hearing in his left ear, first gradually, then suddenly.

“The artistic process is about real shit,” Gibney tells me. “Because I was around when he was doing the work, it was like Picasso painting. Paul needed an audience, particularly when it was hard for him. He was having issues with his hands. There was one day when he came in with a huge bag of Theraguns, a muscle relaxer for his hands. He had issues with his playing, his hearing, and his singing, and he let us watch him struggle through that. That was both very generous and vulnerable. But it also helped him, because he knows how to rally for an audience. The extra energy was useful to him. Watching him in the present gave me more insight into the past.”

When Brickell sings, “Heaven is beautiful. It’s almost like home,” I cannot listen without tears. We want to hear the songwriter of “The Sound of Silence.” We’re not ready for actual silence. Losing love is a window in your heart, but what about losing everything? “The big mystery about life,” Simon says in the film, “you can never solve the mystery. That’s what’s so great about it. You don’t want to solve it.”

After Seven Psalms, Simon went back to doing what he was doing before: writing songs. He’s still working out how to perform with the one good ear, and he hasn’t given up. Neither should we. We’re on our way. We don’t know where we’re going.

In Restless Dreams: The Music of Paul Simon premieres on MGM+ on March 17

David Yaffe is a professor of humanities at Syracuse University. He writes about music and is the author, most recently, of Reckless Daughter: A Portrait of Joni Mitchell. You can read his Substack here

[mikeylivesattheend]

SO I finally read the first Unwind book by Neal Shusterman and wowowowow people were not lying it's so genuinely incredible. Like no joke, even if you read this goofy post read the first book. It's not perfect (looking at you 2007 era feminism) but it's haunting my thoughts. I don't think it will ever fade. And you know the one scene. You know.

What I'm saying is, even after reading (and starting the 2nd book) of this very grounded, fleshed out world, I had to look it up on a03. With Jason Todd 💀💀💀

It doesn't seem to exist so here's some AU ideas/HCs

Note: This is for fun, and I do not know the ending to the series. This post will spoil general plot points of the first and second books.

-Bruce is a moderate on unwinding. He would, of course, never unwind HIS kids but he trusts s c i e n c e and it follows logic

-just for fun, maybe the person who killed his parents was an awol unwind, and hes grateful that person was able to live on in a better form

-bruce wayne has great security, and the family is intense about preventing storked babies. But if a mother does try, they usually send at least 1k to help, and a lot of mothers go to his house to get some financial assistance

- dick traveled a lot, met a lot of different people. I think he met a lot of unwinds, and his parents were pro not murdering teens, but they couldn't house them for more than a day or two. The law pays more attention to transient spaces they can track after all

-all of this to say dick loved meeting and showing off to new people, and doesnt like the cops, and doesnt like that they get so scared. His parents/troupe influenced him a lot but no one has really said any of this aloud to him since he's so young. Hes never feared being unwound, not seriously.

-my ideal fic wouldnt be dick focused, so his character progression might be depressing here.

-he thinks unwinding is immoral, says it feels wrong, doesn't use words like soul. He is passionate about this issue when directly confronted, but he believes temporary help is the best he can provide.

-dick feels secure he wont be unwound for two reasons. Bruce knows hes too capable to be detained by cops. And dick knows that bruce couldn't live with himself if he condemned dick to a divided existence, no matter what his logic says.

-Unwinding is a huge blur of grey for batman in chaotic, unpredictable Gotham. For brucie wayne, clinking champagne glasses with a teenager's hands, complimenting an elderly investors washboard abs, unwinding is a fact of life. But for bruce wayne, the father, the son, unwinding would always be a prolonged muder. Bruce does not ponder those feelings deeply. He does all he can (he doesnt)

-Dick doesn't like that they rat on violent runaways/unwinding awols, but he knows they fill in lower gaps as goons. He hates it at first, and bruce does learn to ignore more. But dick learns the dangers of desperation. He meets nore people who agree with unwinding, tithes, and as he grows into larger scale problems/hero teams, he loses sight of the bigger government issue.

-all this to say, as an adult, dick does what all his parents did in a way (money, hidden spots he knows, advice he's picked up on) but his morals match bruces more than his parents. He thinks that tithing is okay if the kid is 17 and consents, understands that religion is personal, despises the state homes doing it the most (bruce has given so much to those leeches).

-i dont know enough about the teen titans to know how theyd feel, how that would impact dick, if he'd even /have/ the entire team or if some became unwound

-oh my god unrelated note clark as a teen, despite being very loved, was glad he was indestructible. Docs dont use kryptonite

-jason jason jason my boy jason. So yes unwind awols are pretty natural to him, working girls, hes against the process bc he knows a lot of families who do that to kids & he gets it

-in this au he could keep the canon backstory. It still hurts bc he especially feels then he was a burden, storked by one of willis' exes. Or he could be fully storked from the jump. His bio dad is dead, shelia is the only one alive. Bruce is more anti-shelia initially bc she storked him but he knows some people do want to see their kids later in life? This also impacts his early social clout, since storks are looked down on. Maybe especially so where he's a 'real' burden.

-hes a lot more intense than dick abt unwinds, is deeply paranoid bruce will unwind him and has to be reassured bruce would never personally do that. Jason doesnt want to use unwind body parts, but bruce will always choose jays life over his 'moral high ground.'

-honestly most of death with the family will feel the same, the main difference is Jay will have a guilty thought, wonder if it would have been better to let bruce unwind him, if robin should have served everyone (bruce did not threaten this, but kids have been unwound for a whole lot less).

- THE CRUX IS THAT JAY WAKES UP WHOLE BRAIN IN NEW BODY HORRIFIED HEHEHEGED

- this au uses the movie version of utrh with talua stuff, but add in that the brain cannot automatically connect to the body, this is very untested, and it takes like a year to make it work at all. No laz pit, the body is a military buff 16 year old but not excessively violent yaknow

-he still loses it bc "oh my god I was unwound, how did this happen? did bruce do it? no no? he couldnt. i died. where am i? talias oh shit - gotta go fast yeet"

- he goes to gotham, doesn't try to kill bruce but does realize how fucked he is. He can barely open doors, has to think constantly to walk. After moping for a while talia finds him, offers to train him, explains he was meant to be a gift. Jay says he doesnt want to go back to bruce, talia fucked him over, she seems guilty so the training still happens, mainly as an urge to finish what she started, and maybe fulfill that initial goal someday

- im the most torn on this bc i think jason would never want to risk being their guinea pig again.

-he does not kill anyone until its a parts pirate. Talia sent him to increasingly pro unwinding people to force his hand for sure. Either to have a reason to cut him off, or to make their moral worldviews align more.

-Jay is def vaguely suicidal, self disgust. So this is punishment for him + scumbags. It also puts the body to a purposeful use, in honor of the kid.

-body dysmorphia duh btw. After this im extra fuzzy on details for jay

- i want him to be part of the anti divisional group, I want him to be a more community driven hero. But is that really in character for him? How would the unwinding world impact his priorities? Would he operate in gothan as the red hood, work as a human trafficker to save those kids?

- this is also the reason I'm not focusing on characters that come after jason much. His impact would need to be felt in some way in the stories, but I dont know where yet

-i think tim is part of a much, much larger family here and he didnt go to a fancy school. In canon his grades are mid, and even tho his parents love him, he has a lot of competition.

- him being robin makes his life a lot harder. Maybe after jack +janet die the gov actually orders most of the kids to be unwound bc state ho budgets etc. The uncle thing is very legitimately needed lmao

- steph storks her baby yes, but now she's able to keep track of their life in a really unhealthy way.

-i don't know enough about babs to know how she'd feel. I think she might be for it, she might even heal her spine with it. But I'm not sold on that fully

-cass is radically anti unwind. She does go to bruce, but honestly in this au she might leave because he does condone it through his inaction

- the justice league must be pro unwinding for conflict in this world to work, and finding out the reasons for that would be so interesting. Hell maybe the justice league wouldn't really be a thing at all, with such clashing morals.

-and idk how unwind ends so no fuckin clue on resolving the conflict AND adding superheroes

Sorry this was so long, and for at least 5 typos. Please steal my ideas and write a better fic than i can ty 😘😘😘

I'll probably end up adding more jason details to this if/when I find a game plan for jay or finish the unwind dystology

[ichisoarz]

Okay so today I participated in Barbieheimer together with some of my roommates and here are some of my hot takes (spoilers abound!):

Oppenheimer is not clear in what it wants to be; is it a biopic about a man who created the atomic bomb, is it a commentary on the US government regarding war, or is it a legal drama? It has elements of all three but not enough of each to satisfy me.

For all that the movie is a biopic, I feel that we spend an extremely limited time actually getting to know who Oppenheimer *is* as a person. What was his youth like, why is he disapproving of Jackie (his brother's wife), why does he continue to bring flowers to Jean, what motivated him to try to kill his professor? We get throw away lines such as "I was homesick", "I was going through a rough two-year period back then", and the sum-up of character traits when he is recruited by General Groves, but a lot of it feels distant, like Nolan just read the novel the film was based on and all the transcripts and did very little else to actually dive deep into the psychology of the man. A lot is implied or inferred of course, but I feel like so much of it is cold and unfeeling. The only good two moments of character work in my opinion were his breakdown after Jean and the whole sequence regarding Trinity, the rest feels very shallow to me personally.

Now when it comes to social commentary, the film puts itself in kind of a weird position. On the one hand it greatly criticises the US war mindset and its cruelty, which I greatly appreciated, but on the other hand it gives almost no sympathy or even acknowledgement of the victims of Oppenheimer's work. The Japanese were hardly mentioned and absolutely no mention was made of any victims of the New Mexico tests, only a throw-away like of returning the land to the natives. Now you might argue that talking about the victims is for a different movie to do, since this is a biopic about Oppenheimer, but to have almost no acknowledgement of the negative impact of his work and the people that he hurt feels weird. We spend a lot more time hearing about what a great scientist he was and much less time hearing about the devastating effects of the atomic bombs that's for sure. Like even a conversation with a survivor of testing in New Mexico that he comes across while riding, to humanise the harm he caused, that would have been great! It might be too unsubtle, but then again Truman's bit was not exactly subtle either.

Finally, the legal drama. I was fine with it when it was just the legal case regarding Oppenheimer, since it seemed to be an important part of his story, but I did not care for Strauss' part at all. To have one of the main climaxes of your story be Oppenheimer's hearing versus Strauss' while having basically the same thing happen in both, as well as Strauss' weird ass villain monologue, just did not work for me. Why did we go from an examination of Oppenheimer and the cruelty of the US war system, to some minister appointment hearing? I guess Strauss was cruel to Oppenheimer, but was this meant as some sort of karma lesson?? What was the point?

Besides those larger criticisms of the film, I also found the cuts of some scenes to just be kind of weird.

Moving on to Barbie, I really liked the movie for being a 2-hour commercial. It was fun, very self-aware (maybe a little bit too much at times), and it was gorgeously designed (set, clothing, cinematography). I have some slight issues with Barbie (much less than with Oppenheimer), but this is a hot takes post so here they are:

Obviously due to it being a commercial some things were treated in very specific ways. The Mattel guys being weird and kind of harmless in the end ("Why don't we just let things stay like this?" "Because I want to make girls' dreams some true!" Also the tickle thing) is quite obvious, along with all the things regarding the teenager.

Ooh boy the teen, poor girl. She made some very good points upon meeting Barbie, all of which immediately become less convincing when she ends it with calling Barbie a fascist. I mean the word does get used too often now by teens, but Barbie herself also only takes away fascist instead of the other very good points, sooo yeah. Also she very quickly approached Disney Channel levels of wholesomeness with her mom after going to Barbieland, she lost her style, lost her meanness and was mostly just smiling happily in the background. All of that felt kinda yikes to me lol.

Finally, I was not fully comfortable with the final resolution talk with Ken, the sheer amount of emotional labour Barbie was doing there when she herself is just discovering these things and him needing to be rejected several times from his advances all felt kinda yikes to me too.

Congrats on reading this big post if you made it this far, feel free to agree/disagree on anything, these are just my thoughts and opinions!

[spikeinthepunch]

Penrose: Dawning- the dev blog

Okay well my game has been up for a few days now, and the Jam is over so yeah, why not give a massive blog about it and the development and characters and feelings etc.

again this was quite a feat for me, so to say. as small as the game is. ive been struggling a ton for years and years, so the process and experience has stuck with me for the last month.

The personal

If you have followed and read some of my posts from the last month youd probably seen me talking about having seen a neurophysiologist-- my appointments for that were happening for quite a while before this month but this month was the end of it. Aside from it clearly being a huge stressor in general, it was also a huge eye opener to my problems. Which yeah, include my ability to Make Things. Not art- but everything else. The listening & reading comprehension, math and memory I tested on being really really bad. And it was great to understand that now! but having decided to take on the Jam was a lot and well, even though on one hand i felt good that I knew my issues.... it didn't mean i solved my issues. Now i was just way more away of them.

So, I tried my hardest I think because I knew I'd always give up on this stuff. And well, my mood meds were still kinda helping. I think there was a different kind of determination despite the upset that some of those tests caused me. Still, I faced a lot of anxiety, frusteration, and upsetting feelings in the process because of how hard it was for me to learn even the smallest things. I won't go super hard on that-- I just want to appreciate the small community of Narrat for being able to help and clarify my confusion even if I'd often say to myself "ugh, that was such a simple thing! i shouldnt need to get it clarified two times over!" etc etc.

still despite the variety of emotions i faced i came out of this really thinking 'wow i actually made something' because literally all these years i have never realized a larger project due to my issues. so for that i can be happy.

The development

the process of making this game was interesting because obvious i had never put my assumptions about the best way to develop to the test. i could think all the while "ill do this first, this second etc" but until you start making it you may realize you gotta do something else!

the fact this was only a month long didnt really give me much time to figure out better ways to develop, it i was already a ways into it. so i came out realizing what i could do diffferent. one thing for sure is i know i couldnt start with art. its just not possible in general to predict the art i would need clearly, because even if i were to write a lot, i felt that making dialog branches was much easier while i was coding because i never knew how far i would want them to go.

but also, in terms of writing- i already write a lot and i kinda have my mental process. getting that to work with the game was tough, and while i liked how i wrote for this game, i feel like it faltered in the sense that writing so many bits of it entirely away from each other had my struggling to make sure i felt connected. like, writing on one huge document allows me to easily refer back and having it all together makes it flow well in my head. but having them scattered around code was hard for me to track and i was never sure if it all felt like it connected up well. i also think in general if i wrote most of the important chunks- stuff not incredibly reliant on branches/choices- that i probably would have written waaaay more too. its just a format of writing that is natural.

there isnt too much as i did in the game coding wise so i dont have too many comments on development process. but i know i would like to make games in narrat that use the typical features found in games like DE (as the engine was inspired by), like stats/skills and maybe inventory depending on the thing.

The story & design

i dont plan to explain the story in detail here (a lot of secret context it on my discord) and i have talked loads about trying to write the themes its tackled.

the main thing about it is just that i have never properly realized Penrose and well. I was facing a creative block this last month which caused more struggles. But it was harder with art- mostly design. coming up with a design is harder in a block than reading a thing that says "draw a series of houses". thinking up something new is not easy. and my head also gets very stuck up in "if you design this and draw it, you can never change it".

Eden was pulled from my old unused RP character, Eden Creature, and so i was able to base her off something already. even so making anything at all was hard- even for Mick who already existed. I really didnt want her and Eden to revert back into my old style because its just no me anymore but at the same time i do want to get something unique for this story. Dawning does not reflect what I want exactly. I like what i managed to do esp in working with my time constraints. but, its not something i want to keep doing going forward.

the story was WAY more condensed than i thought it would be and its because i didnt really realize how quickly approaching the deadline was compared to my work. but at the same time i am glad it was? i was quite ambitious with how big i wanted this "proof of concept" to be, to where i definitely probably would have gotten farther in the plot and realized i had no clue exactly what I wanted.

because i do have a general idea of this story but not like. enough. and so shortening the story hugely for this demo was actually a good thing because i would have had to write a lot more and also probably wouldnt have been able to explain lore well enough because of how little i understood my own world. and when youre creative blocked its incredibly hard trying to development of that world too.

conclusion

i mentioned it breifly in a blog post but tbh the most scary part is having it hit that i am nervous has to how people will take my characters. not in a criticism kinda way but just the idea that people just wont really 'get' them. and even just the idea that my OCs have been "presented to the world" in some sense. i do stuff in my own little space all the time and never think about what it would really be like to put a game on itch.io or even like publish a proper animation on youtube or publish a book or something. its different and its weird because i have always thought to myself that i want people to see my OCs! but then i put it up in a place where it likely will be seen and I am afraid of that.

its probably for it being a first time. and also i need to learn confidence in this kind of work i was so into thinking i could never truly make because of my issues. this was still like, very very hard to do mentally etc and i feel very exhausted. but i really dont want this to be the first and last time i try and make something.

[slowpoke272]

“slaughterhouse-five” by kurt vonnegut

finished: march 16, 2023

well this was one to get through. i actually wanted to read “breakfast of champions” next, but i heard it’s a sequel to this novel, and since it’s vonnegut’s first mainstream success and most popular work, i decided now was a good time.

i have to preface my two cents with the confession that although i was warned and knew about it beforehand, i think much of my experience of this novel was diminished by the lackluster performance of james franco in the audiobook. i didn’t think it could be that bad, but it simply is that bad. he sounds so bored and tired through the entire thing, maybe that’s what the producers were going for? if so they nailed it. but as far as engaging the story, it just felt like an obligation.

it took a while for me to get into, but i was determined to find the good in this work. i had read “cat’s cradle” previously and loved it, though i knew kurt vonnegut’s style is rather quirky and it’s kind of hard to keep track of an actual plot or story happening. however, around chapter 5 (out of 10) i finally started enjoying it. it’s mostly an old man retelling his war stories out of order, although i do like when chronological order is mixed up and i liked the sci-fi elements, too. also i obviously agree with kurt vonnegut’s general anti-war themes and criticisms, which is  why i was determined to finish the book even if i didn’t enjoy it very much.

in the end i just wasn’t very moved by anything billy pilgram said or did, and i didn’t feel invested in his stories. it feels like an actual war veteran recounting their stories, reluctantly, maybe that’s why so many of them would rather just not share anything. for vonnegut being so anti-war, he seems to dance around the issue mostly, simply recounting loopholes and hypocrisies of war instead of having his character come out with anything insightful about it.

i’ll end with my favorite passage in the book, which seemed like the only time there was real substance being discussed, and it wasn’t between characters directly but as part of a theatrical display... very meta but also very mundane and passive.

this book is definitely passable and there are lots of other anti-war novels that i think have more profound things to say, but it’s not the worst?

“to quote the american humorist kin hubbard, ‘it ain’t no disgrace to be poor, but might as well be.’ it is in fact a crime for an american to be poor, even though america is a nation of poor. every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. no such tales are told by the american poor. they mock themselves and glorify their betters. the meanest eating or drinking establishment, owned by a man who is himself poor, is very likely to have a sign on its wall asking this cruel question: ‘if you’re so smart why ain’t you rich?’ there will also be an american flag no larger than a child’s hand glued to a lollipop stick and flying from the cash register. americans, like human beings everywhere, believe many things that are obviously untrue. their most destructive untruth is that it is very easy for any american to make money. they will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. this inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say, napoleonic times.”

rating: 3/10 did not really enjoy and struggled to finish

[howlingday]

Jaune can’t help but find it a bit odd that his girlfriend Winter will only allow him into her panties if he’s cosplaying as Captain America.

The Winter Hero

Jaune Arc was a man of principle. He was raised to be a gentleman; kind, generous, and sensitive to a woman's needs. His mother and sisters groomed him to be the perfect boyfriend for anyone lucky enough to have him.

Chocolate ice cream at 3 AM, even though all the stores are closed? Done before dawn.

Need some guy to stop stalking you? Jaune wasn't a man of violence, but he had his ways to deter creeps.

Need another girl for your sleepover? Not a problem, even though he got a few awkward glances from his sister's friends.

However, almost as soon as he left the nest, his first girlfriend was completely independent. Any offer to help was completely shut down. But this was to be expected from an officer of the Atlas military. Yes, Winter Schnee never made any requests to her boyfriend.

That is, until one Halloween night...

Jaune looked himself over in the mirror at his costume. His blue spandex bodysuit was slim, if not constricting. It featured a white letter "A" on his forehead with a pair of wings just behind his temples, a star in the center of his chest, and a design of red and white stripes over his abdominals and circling around the back. He looked down to the flat, metal disk shield that weighed about thirty pounds. Not all too heavy for him, but it still weighs down over time. Yes, he was the hero of life and liberty, Captain America!

He sighed and shook his head as he looked over his ridiculous outfit. When he asked about their plans for Halloween, Winter explained she already ordered his and that she intended to go to a costume party with him. He knew better than to question it, but did it have to be this superhero?

Jaune has read his fair share of comics, and when asked who his was, he would answer Batman. Unfortunately for him, though, Winter was a Marvel fan, so his favorite superhero would have to stick to the sshadows tonight.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Picking up the shield, he walked over to the door and opened it. The sight in front of him almost made him drop his shield.

On the other side of his apartment door stood a beautiful woman with snow white hair, cascading down over her shoulders like an avalanche. She wore a silver body-suit, reminiscent of the ones worn by special forces, that hugged all of her curves perfectly. Around her waist was a gray belt designed to look like it had multiple compartments.

"Is there something wrong, Jaune?" He blinked and gave a nervous chuckle. She looked him up and down and smiled. "I see your costume matches the measurements I provided."

"Uh, actually, it feels a little tight." Jaune replied, tugging at his collar. "I can breathe just fine, but-"

"Good." Winter turned around and began walking towards the stairs. "Let's go. It's time for the party."

"Uh, yeah, sure!" Jaune shut the door behind him and followed her. "I like your costume. Who are you supposed to be?" Being a gentleman, Jaune asked, since he was certain it would tie to her interests.

"Silver Sable." Winter replied without looking back. "Russian mercenary. Leader of the Wild Pack. First appearance in 'The Amazing Spider-Man Issue #265'."

"Oh, she sounds... intense." Being a man, Jaune's eyes wandered to her hips, where her ass lightly swayed with every step, leaving nothing to the imagination. His costume felt tighter.

At the party, Jaune struggled to keep his shield up. He had shifted between his arms twice since he started carrying it. He could set it down, but every time he did, Winter would find out. The first time, she lightly chastised him, saying, "I thought you were supposed to be a hero." The second, and last time, she hit harder, telling him, "You're supposed to be a hero. So be one." She knew one of Jaune's dreams was to be a hero, someone who helps others and can be looked up to with pride. He sighed as he looked over the crowd.

The costumes varied, but he recognized everyone as someone from Winter's command. Elm Ederne, a specialist of Atlas' Ace Operatives, was dressed as some kind of monk, she explained, and carried a set of drums on her waist. He thought she was a hippie at first, but was swiftly corrected. Their commanding officer, General James Ironwood, was luckier than Jaune and dressed up as Batman. Jaune was green with envy. Or he was when Councilman candidate Robyn Hill showed up, dressed as Orchid from Killer Instinct. He never played the game, but he recognized the costume from... research.

"Jaune," he looked to his left and saw Winter standing with her arms crossed, "do you want to leave?" Jaune blinked, but before he could say anything, she spoke first. "I know that look on your face. You're bored. If you wish to leave, I won't force you to stay."

"I'm fine," Jaune replied, "I'm just... reading the room." Winter sighed, leaning against the wall next to him. She had an annoyed look on her face. "Are you okay, Winter?"

"I'm fine." She replied without looking at him. Instead, she was looking at the attention Robyn was getting. With a scowl, she huffed under her breath. "Pigs."

"Svin'ya." Winter looked to Jaune, who was wearing a smile on his face. "Svin'ya is pig in Russian."

She chuckled at that, gracing her lips with a smile. Jaune liked making people smile. Well, maybe not make, but help smile. She leaned closer, forcing Jaune to shift his shield to his other arm. She held his arms and sighed. Jaune felt his suit grow even tighter.

"Do you want to leave?" Winter looked up to Jaune. With a smile, she replied.

"Yes."

Winter and Jaune arrived at her apartment door. The walk home was certainly brisk, but made warmer with their body heat combined as they held close on their trip, as well as Jaune holding the shield against the wind. She reached into her belt and clipped open one of the compartments and pulled out her keys. Jaune held the shield behind her, pretending to protect her from some evil or another.

As she opened the door, Jaune stepped away. "Good night, Winter."

Winter turned to face Jaune. "Won't you come in? After all, it's cold outside tonight."

"I'm sure I'll be fine." He replied with a red-cheek and -nose smile.

"At least warm before you go." Winter gestured for him to enter. "I couldn't bear to think of you becoming hypothermic because of me."

"Just another part of being a hero!" Jaune chuckled.

"Actually," Winter said, placing her chin between her index and thumb, "I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but your costume has an interesting feature."

"Feature?" A stray wind blew in, chilling Jaune where he stood. "On second thought, maybe staying a second to warm up wouldn't hurt." He stepped inside, setting his shield down by the coat rack inside. She shut the door behind him.

"I'm glad to see you've come to your senses." She stepped further into the apartment, Jaune following close behind.

He had been here twice, but the size always amazed him. It was at least three times the size of his, and included it's own washer and dryer set. It was only a balcony away from being considered a penthouse. With the click of a button, Winter summoned a fireplace from the darkness.

Following her to the couch, Jaune sat down next to Winter. She leaned closer to him then nuzzled against his chest. She leaned up, kissing him as he leaned down. She prodded tongue past his lips, and upon receiving invitation, grabbed him by the back of his head and pulled him into her. Their breathing became heavy as the two pulled themselves closer to the other, their make-out growing more intense by the second.

Pulling away, Jaune groaned. "Damn."

"Something wrong?"

"This costume's in the way." Jaune tugged at his collar,causing Winter to chuckle.

"No, it isn't." Before he could ask, Winter slipped to her knees, kneeling in front of Jaune's crotch. "I custom-ordered this, you know." She traced her middle finger from the couch up to his groin. "I needed to get," she dug into a flap he never noticed, "your exact," and she pulled down the zipper he never knew, "measurem- Ack!" Winter recoiled as she was slapped by Jaune's dick.

"You okay?" Jaune asked.

"I'm fine," Winter waved him off, "I just... got my measurements wrong." She eyed his penis with a critic's glare. It was larger than the average she suspected, possibly six-and-a-half, if not seven inches in length, with a girth that made making her index and thumb have difficulty meeting. "But I'll adapt."

Before Jaune could say anything, Winter wrapped her lips around Jaune's head, tracing over it with her tongue. He lightly gasped as she pumped his shaft and she moved her head in a rhythm up and down his cock.

"F-Fuck!" Jaune grunted. "I'm gonna-!"

Winter pulled away and pumped with more vigor. With a moan, Jaune came a thin rope onto Winter's costume, a stream of white oozing onto her hands. She turned around, looking back to Jaune.

He squinted for a moment, then took notice of the zipper at the top of her back. He reached forward and pulled down. The costume came splitting in half as he dragged the tab closer to it's destination. As he reached the end, Winter stood up.

"Jaune," he couldn't see, but she looked at him with a sort of predatory gaze, as if he were a breathing meal for her to devour, "do you want to keep going?" With a gulp, he answered.

"Uh, I don't have any condoms."

"No?" She chuckled. "Check your shield." Jaune stood up and walked over to the hat rack where he placed his shield, his now flaccid cock swaying in the air with every step. Felling around, he noticed a hatch near the center, behind the handle. With a click, it opened and he found box of condoms. He couldn't see the brand, but the box felt small. That was fine, though, since he wasn't expecting to burn through ten or so condoms tonight. "Did you find them?" Winter called out.

"Yeah, they were behind the han-duuuuuh..." Jaune's jaw dropped at the sight in front of him. Bathed in firelight, Winter removed her soiled costume and laid back against the couch, her legs spread, her hair wild, and her eyes hungry. She became instantly erect.

"Then come here, my hero."

Winter moaned loudly as Jaune thrusted himself into her from behind. Every movement forward by him drove her further over the edge. This may have been their first time, but Jaune was clearly experienced. Some way, somehow, this man had a lover before her, and they perfected him into the breeding bull slamming into her.

With a grunt, Jaune came into the condom and pulled out. He huffed as he removed the rubber from his semi-stiff staff. Winter whirled around and slurped on his phallus until he was nice and hard again. Once he put the next condom on, she pushed him onto his back, then slipped him inside.

She bounced up and down his rod as she moaned and gasped. Jaune tried to match her pace with his thrusts, but she was moving too fast for him. He panted as she rode him like it was a rodeo. He settled his hand on her hips and took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, she was above him, her hair acting as a white veil to hide themselves from the world. Her mouth split to a predatory grin.

"You like it?" She growled.

"Y-Yeah!" He grunted.

"You like it?" She repeated.

"Yeah!" He whined.

"You want me?" She leaned closer, slowing her pace.

"Y-Yes!" He panted. She leaned next to his ear.

"Then take me."

Jaune flipped Winter onto her back and held her legs above her in a mating press. She screamed as Jaune pounded with greater vigor into her, grunting as he did so.

"Fuck me!" She shrieked as she held her ankles. "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck meeeeeee!"

With a grunt, Jaune came again, panting hard. He pulled out, pulling the condom out with him. He removed the prophylactic the his cock, setting it down next to it's seven siblings.

Eight condoms. The couple's box held eight condoms. With eight used condoms, Jaune sighed as the night's activities drew to a close.

SHUP!

Jaune looked down to see Winter bobbing her head up and down his shaft again. He groaned and pulled her off. With a sigh, he told the truth. "I can't anymore."

"No?" She tilted her head to the side.

"No." He stepped away and gestured to the condoms. "We went through a whole box, it's only a few hours until dawn, and I... I don't think I can do it again."

"I see." She said looking down. She almost looked sad.

"It's nothing against you, but I don't think I can do a round nine like this, condom or no condom."

"Like this?" She tugged on his bodysuit, now soaked in sweat and, in the lower region, genital fluids. "With the suit?"

"Yeah."

"Well, in that case," she reached behind Jaune and pulled down his back zipper, "here." She tugged on his sleeves and helped him out, peeling the it free from his skin. He shivered as the cold air rolled over his bare skin for the first time all night. She stepped free of the suit and sat down.

"That's much better." Winter was about to walk away, but felt him grab her hand. "We're not gonna cuddle?"

She smiled and sat down next to him. They embraced for a moment, then felt him pull her down, so they were laying on the couch. His body felt hot; clearly from the body heat trapped by his suit.

Winter closed her eyes, momentarily thinking about fucking her favorite superhero, Captain America, until she slipped into her dream where she was held in the loving embrace of her hero, Jaune Arc.

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Dancing With Our Hands Tied (Part Two)

Series: Undercover Hotch fic/series™

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader 

Word Count: 4,408 | Rated: T | Warnings: swearing, discussion of domestic abuse, possibly compromising positions(?), an almost kiss

Tropes: bedsharing, fake married, mutual pining

Chapter Summary: after holding hotch's hand for a few minutes, it wouldn't be a problem to hold it for most of the morning? because now the retreat gimmicks begin as the two of you search for information while dealing with the events.

A/N: sorry for the delay on part two -- had some family things going on this month <3. look out for part three :) Thank you to @bucky-of-the-opera for always letting me bounce ideas off of her and generally being amazing.

“Where do we start?”

The retreat lodge was larger than you imagined — with sprawling grounds that weren't just limited to the main lodging area where the couples stayed — but extended beyond to woods, hiking trails, and beyond. Hell, you glanced out the window at a nearby mountain, you wouldn’t be surprised if they owned a mountain as well.

“I have no idea,” you murmur, your arm intertwined with Hotch’s, as the two of you stepped into the lobby for the patented mix-and-mingle with the other couples before breakfast. Not only mind-numbing, soul-churning mingling — but with other couples with marital issues -- exactly what every vacation needs, “this place doesn’t seem big on technology — I haven’t seen a single computer or cellphone,”

“The front desk only has paper logs,” he shakes his head, “I asked about the lack of technology in the rooms. A noted policy of no tech — including the employees. I don’t think we are even allowed our cellphones after this breakfast.”

You scan the couples beginning to shuffle down now, “If there’s no tech here, where do you think they keep their guest and employee files?”

“I don’t think breakfast is ready yet, sweetheart,” he replies, as your gaze snaps to his cheeks burning, as you realize a couple approaching your six, “but I’m sure you won’t have to wait too much longer,”

“I’m right there with you,” the husband winks at you, his stomach shaking as he laughs even before he jokes, “if I don’t eat soon, I’m going to lose one of my only reasons for coming to this place,”

And something tells you it isn’t much of a joke either.

“But not the reason for coming here, isn’t that right, dear?” his wife assumedly smiles at you, icily, “Molly Chapman. It’s a pleasure to meet you, and you are?”

You introduce yourself, forcing a straight face on as you manage to say your alias, offering your hand, “This is my husband, Thomas,” as Hotch introduces himself to Molly’s husband, Harry, who claps your boss on the shoulder.

“So,” Harry leans in, almost clandestinely, “what are you two in for?”

“Harry!” Molly chastises him, but her eyes hook onto your expressions, her lips pursed in disapproval if only to hide her smile.

“Well, if it helps, me and the missus here need some help communicating,” he crosses his arms, shaking his head, “never learned much about that growing up,” and he elbows Hotch, “but I’m sure you can relate — we’re practically in the same generation,” And you nearly snort, trying and failing to hide your smile — which Hotch notes, as you see him shoot a small glare your way.

Harry and Molly don’t notice, too busy reprimanding her husband again, before she sighs, pinching at the bridge of her nose, “It’s just as well, we are all going to find out about each other’s problems anyway,”

And you furrow your brow, “I saw group therapy on the itinerary — is it mandatory?”

“It is,” Molly nods, “Dr. Rosen, the therapist who helped design the program, insisted on it — otherwise it would just be a vacation, not a couples retreat,” and she raises an eyebrow, “didn’t you read that in the paperwork when you signed up?”

“I did most of the paperwork,” Hotch intercedes, his fingers intertwining with yours, “my love here was busy wrapping up some loose ends for work so I ended up taking the lead on it,”

“Oh well now I know what’s wrong with you two,” Harry chuckles, as Molly elbows him again, half-heartedly, as he gestures to you, coffee in hand, “you wear the pants in the relationship, got that one wrapped around your finger, now don’t you? Not surprising, with the age gap and all--” as he looks you up and down, winking at Hotch, as you gape at him, “nicely done, sir.”

Your blood begins to boil, several insults picked out and fine-tuned on your tongue as you open your mouth, “Well—”

“We’re working on it,” Hotch clears his throat, jerking his head toward the now ready breakfast buffet, “Harry, it looks like—”

“Food’s on!” and he’s scurrying away to the table, as his wife follows suit, giving both of you a nod, as you glare at his retreating back.

“Food fucking saved his life,” and your eyes slide back to Hotch, as he gestures for you to head over to the breakfast table, “and so did you,”

“Well, I figured you murdering someone on our first day here would attract some unwelcome attention,” he steers you away from the direction of the Chapmans, his hand now slipping around your waist, and you do your best to ignore the flip of your heart, focusing on the fancy finger foods the retreat put out for breakfast, until you feel Hotch’s fingers drum on the small of your back, “do you see that?”

You glance at him, following his gaze until your eyes fall on a door that says ‘Employees’ Only’ around the corner, the manager slipping through the door, locking it behind him. You glance away nonchalantly, helping yourself to some mini-breakfast sandwiches and some fruit, “Do you think they keep the employee files?”

“Maybe,” he breathes in your ear, as he reaches over your shoulder to grab some food, making you shiver at the closeness, “but how do we—”

“Welcome!” a voice booms from the foyer, sweeping arms as he steps forward cutting through the dining room, “Please everyone take a seat. Help yourself to some breakfast.”

You both make your way to a table, and Hotch pulls out your chair for you, giving a small smile, as he takes his seat beside you.

“I hope you all are beginning to get to know each other, but that is not all you will be getting to know today,” he clasps his hands, he bared his teeth with his fake white smile, “I am Richard Rosen, and I will be guiding you through your time during this six-week retreat, where you are not only going to learn about our facilities, about mindfulness, and about yourselves,” his eyes scan the crowd smiling, “you’re going to learn about each other.'

Oh, how wonderful.

You had read up about this guy last night — went to Harvard — Harvard College in Indiana, and got his certification in Psychology after four weeks of surely intense training. After that, he opened his own practice in New York City, which folded after several complaints ranging from sexual harassment to fraud. Unfortunately for his clients (and fortunately for him), there wasn’t enough evidence to get his lack-luster certification yanked. He then moved from city to city, learning from his mistakes, and never stuck to the same city for long enough for someone to catch onto his treatment packaged charade. Until eventually, he settled upon White Mountains Retreat, where he was allowed to stay in one place, but with a revolving door of patients.

He was one of your suspects — no record, but had easy access to the couples, and intimate knowledge of their relationships.

"But our time will begin together tomorrow,” he beams at all of you, “Right now, I'm going to pass it over to the man who you will be coordinating your incredibly list of daily activities during your stay here — the man responsible for all the wonderful memories you will make — Mr. Brock Hillen," Rosen steps aside, welcoming Hillen to take over, and he doesn’t wait a beat, checking his watch before disappearing down a hall.

“Where’d he go?” you murmur, and Hotch shakes his head.

“I don’t know,” Hotch murmurs, lips barely moving, “but do you see that?”

And you spot cuts on Brock’s arms before he tugs the sleeve of his shirt down to cover it, “Could be consistent with causing those injuries our victims,”

And Brock Hillen was no less suspicious than Rosen — with a criminal record to match. With two charges of domestic assault, Hillen already had a history of violence with his ex-wife, but since she divorced him, he has had no other charges. Yet, because of his record, he went job to job, until he found himself as the Activities Coordinator of White Mountain. Could it be that his rage over his wife leaving him led to the murders? Maybe something in the last few weeks that triggered it.

“Hello all!” he greets, holding his arms out, his fake blonde hair nearly blinding under the bright light of the chandelier that hangs above him, “thank you Richard, for that all too kind introduction,” he begins his spheal on the healing nature of the resort, the efforts of his team in coordinating the next six weeks for them, and you begin to lose interest around his third sentence with the word “enchant” in it.

And your eyes can’t help but slide to Hotch a moment, whose arm rests on your lower back still, the metal of his watch gently pressed against your shirt, and you swear his thumb brushes against your spine. You almost want to brush it away, his touch is so gentle, so sweet, so intentional, but it wasn’t — it wasn’t.

“For our first event,” and now you’re blinking back to Brock — to the reason you were here — to catch a killer, “I’m going to have you do one of the very things that Richard mentioned — an activity that will allow you to you learn more about yourselves and each other,” and he gestures around you, “as well as the grounds themselves,” Other employees start handing the couples a clipboard, “your task will be to get each of your stamps from around the retreat — this obviously includes our grounds and other facilities, including our spa, chapel, gardens, and so on.”

“Seems like a perfect opportunity to look around,” you murmur — as Hotch takes the clipboard, flipping through the scavenger hunt -- at least there wasn’t some cheesy shtick to this activity.

“To symbolize the journey you all will be embarking on together as couples, you must complete the task hand-in-hand,” Brock brings his two hands together, “please, there will be staff all over the facilities, if you need a hint, feel free to ask, and I will be here as well to provide any assistance,” he gestures to employees behind the couples, “now, at the sound of the gong—”

At the sound of the what—

And then a loud crash fills the air, rattling your eardrums, making you jump, “Take each other’s hand, and begin!”

Couples begin scattering about, pulling each other along — you spot Molly dragging Harry away from the breakfast table.

And Hotch rises beside you, offering you his hand, clipboard in his other hand, “Ready?”

You glance from him to his hand.

Probably not, but— your fingers intertwine with his, his calloused fingers warm, and the cool metal of his band brushing against your skin—

“Ready.”

What other choice did you have?

~~~

“How many more do we have?” So far, the first few stamps have taken you all around the other facilities — the spa, the garden, the sauna — but none inside the retreat center itself. Not a single one had given you a change to find where the files were kept in this place.

“Two more left,” he murmurs, “I assume the last one will take us back into the main building, so the other must be—”

“At the chapel,” you glance at the map of the place you were handed by an employee who took pity on you two after you had wandered around the grounds — completely lost, “at least we don’t have to bother figuring out the riddles now,”

“You mean you don’t need to bother,” you shake your head, “i’m sorry, I’m just—”

“Are you okay?” he asks, as the two of you stroll towards the chapel, everyone else out of earshot, “the first day can be—”

“No, it’s not that,” you look around the grounds, and you resist the urge to flex your fingers, but he notices you tense — and you know he would drop your hand but he can’t, so he steps away a little, “It’s not you—”

“But it’s you?” he chuckles, as you bite your lip, “I know it’s a lot,” he sighs, as you two reach the chapel, a relatively small building built on top of a hill. It’s a white marble building, its one spire splitting the sky above it asunder, practically gleaming in the sunlight. The double mahogany doors are drawn open for the couples, another just leaving as you two arrive. You watch him stare up at the chapel, “it is for me too.”

You frown, as the employees at the entrance greet you, and direct you to sit near the front together for a few minutes — to take solace in the quiet before you receive your stamp. Hotch hands them the clipboard as you both wander down the aisle together.

The aisles are lined with white pews, light streaming through beautiful stained glass windows. Your footsteps echoed against the stone floor. You step and sit into the pew beside Hotch, sitting back a moment. The chapel itself had no denomination — it was clear it was made for the sake of religious and non-religious functions — likely an intentional choice not to exclude any religion or atheists for that matter.

After all, money was money in their eyes.

You two are quiet a moment, your hands still interlaced for the sake of the employees still watching the two of you, “I think for me,” your voice low, “it’s just weird to be this close with anyone,”

“You mean physically or?” you shrug.

“It’s part of it — it has been a while since I’ve shared a bed with someone,” you purse your lips, “but like you said, it’s hard for me to let someone see me, like all of me,” and you glance at him, “and it’s hard when you’re literally the leader of a team of, you know.”

“I know,” he leans against the back of the pew, “it’s impossible to hide things from the team even when when we don’t spend every minute with them, and now that we’re spending the all of the next six weeks together--”

“There won’t be much we can do to hide,” you nod, looking down at the floor.

And that was what scared you the most.

The employees hand you back the clipboard at that moment, excusing you both back, and the two of you step out of the chapel, “I just want you to know,” you say, as the two of you reach the bottom of the hill, “you don’t have to hide anything from me,” and he raises an eyebrow, as you add, “if you don’t want to.”

“Do most people hide anything because they really want to?”

“No I meant,” you chew your lip, “This is probably hard for you, and I don’t want to act like I know what you’re going through — I don’t,” you would never deign to think you knew what it was like to lose your the love of your life, your best friend, and mother of your child in one fell swoop, “but you don’t have to pretend,” not with me, you want to add, but you don’t — you can’t.

He blinks a moment, eyebrows raising only for a millisecond, before he sighs, “It’s easier to pretend,” he presses his lips together, as another couple approaches, “and that’s what we’re here to do,” and he begins to walk forward, gently pulling you along, as your cheeks burn, your head fixed on the ground, until he adds, “but I appreciate it,” and you meet his gaze, several emotions in his eyes, before he tears it away, “thank you.”

You don’t get to respond, as the two of you step inside to find only most of the couples still hadn’t returned yet — still collecting the last of the stamps, and most of the staff floating around the grounds to corral and nudge stragglers along. And their absence left an opportunity.

So you glance around, before tugging a distracted Hotch along, wandering around a corner, “What—”

And you grab him by the shoulder, pinning him to the wall, cheeks burning all the while, not daring to meet his gaze, but its just the same because you hear the small gasp of your name that leaves his lips in a whisper, and his body tenses against your palm.

You lean up closer, before slowly craning your neck around the corner, “We’re a couple at a retreat looking to sneak away,” you murmur, lips barely moving, as you lean closer, nose brushing his neck — god he smells good — but you refuse to let your lips brush against his skin, “or that’s what it will look like to anyone.”

His tenseness melts away, and he’s pliable to your touch, as your fingers graze his neck now, your thumb resting against his cheek, as he stares down at you — so adoringly as you tug him by the shirt away from the wall, following you with such ease.

You’re next to the employees only door — your fingers reach for the knob, turning — “It’s locked,” you murmur, and his brow furrows, as you cup his cheek, guiding his gaze to the lock.

And he’s spinning you around gently so that you’re pressed to the wall, your breath catching in your throat, as he looms over you, his fingers cupping your chin. His arm around your back, pulling your lower half close to him, but he’s holding the door knob in place while he tries to pick it with his other hand.

Your cheeks burn as he looks down on you, his gaze freezing you in place, far too close — his breath warming your lips, taking the breath from your lungs and replacing your blood with lava. And you can see so clearly — the cut of his jaw, the soft lines of his face, and the curve of his lips—

And then the lock clicks open.

He’s turning the knob, as you spare one glance over your shoulder to see if anyone sees either of you, but then the door is shutting behind you. You feel the wall for a light switch, and you flick it on, while you hear the click of the door locking again.

And you blink, a glorified break room — a few tables and a basic refrigerator stuck in the corner, a worn couch stuck against a wall, and a sink stuck in the corner with a subpar dish rack — far from the accolades that were in each guest’s room — but then again, the employees weren’t paying through the nose for the rooms.

You two stay close, as your eyes scan for anything that could be a camera — even one that isn’t obvious — placed in a smoke detector or lamp shade, “No cameras,” he pulls away, and you try to swallow the lump in your throat, tucking away the embarrassment to dwell on another time (likely right before when you’re trying to sleep).

But then again, the guests weren’t the ones working 18 hour shifts on their feet.

Hotch calls for you, pointing towards a few file drawers stuck in the corner, and the two of you head over, running your finger down the label on the drawers, “These are all client records — administrative, financial — nothing on the employees.”

“They must keep the employee records somewhere else that employees don’t have access to,” and you’re rifling through the folders, for something — anything.

“I haven’t seen any other employee areas,” you shut the drawers, and then you glance around, your eyes falling on another door in the corner of the room — “unless—”

“It must be Rosen and Hillen’s offices,” you walk over, reading the placard — Administration Offices, “locked?”

“This isn’t something that can be picked easily,” Hotch shakes his head, “it has a bump guard — it prevents—”

“--lock bumping,” and Hotch looks over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow, “I’ll tell you my reason if you you tell me yours,

He snorts, “I learned it sometime between 6th grade and military school,” and it’s your turn to raise your eyebrows, “my father — he—”

“You don’t have to—” you shake your head, “unless you want to—”

“I’ll just say, it wasn’t a good childhood,” he raises to his feet.

And you can’t help but give a small smile, “But look at how well you turned out,” and he’s shaking his head, shrugging his shoulders, “Hotch,” you make him meet your gaze, “you’re a good man — don’t doubt that.”

His eyes meet yours again, warm, as he looks away to the floor for a moment, the corners of his lips twitching, “Thank you,” he breathes, and he’s stepping forward, “I—”

And then the doorknob is jiggling. Your heads snap to the door, before looking back to each other.

Shit.

Before you know it, his wrist is around yours, and he’s tugging you to the couch, as you fall backwards onto the soft cushions. He’s halfway kneeling between your legs, his body draped over you, and he’s leaning closer, murmuring an apology as he lips draw close to yours, “Hotch—”

And then the door is opening, as his lips nearly brush yours, “Hey!”

An employee stares at the both of you, as you both stumble to your feet, adjusting your clothes, “This is employees only — what are you—”

“Sorry!” you yelp, jumping to your feet, “so sorry,” and you brush past them, Hotch following at your heels.

And the two of you find your way back to the lobby, your heart still in your throat, as you tug on your clothes, “Thanks for the —” your cheeks burn, “I mean, good thinking—” you shake your head, "you know what I mean."

He snorts, his fingers finding yours again, giving them a slight squeeze, "Anytime," and your heart oh-so-helpfully skips a beat, tongue-tied, but luckily you don't have to response as Hotch glances at you, "you never did tell me how you learned about lock picking."

You shrug, “I have a checkered past,”

“That’s not much of an answer,” and you shoot him a half-smile.

“I have to keep you interested somehow don’t I?” you reply right as Brock begins to speak again.

The event wraps up with another talk from Brock — who has an employee approach him towards the end of his talk, whispering in his ear, and he nods, waving him off, “and one last thing — I know you all came to rejuvenate your marriages and partnerships through this retreat and we fully encourage you to do so but—” you swallow thickly, realizing just which employee must have whispered in his ear right then, “please refrain from doing so in restricted areas that are not for our guests.”

You cannot even bear to look at Hotch, keeping your gaze straight ahead, grabbing a drink on the tray, and sipping at it — and you wondered if you were masking your mortification well.

Probably fucking not.

~~~

Brock then adjourns them for the rest of the day — not wanting to “overwhelm them” on day one (or rather padding their time here with nothingness) — welcoming them to have their meal in the dining facilities or up in the rooms.

Most people head off to their rooms, while others linger in the lobby — chatting amongst themselves — he spots Harry rushing off to the dining facilities, his wife in tow.

The rest of the day goes off without much to-do. Hotch glances around — not a single thing of note learned about the guests or the staff. The other couples are all sociable to some extent — some more reserved than others, but none of them fit the unsub’s types so far — placing you two directly in the paths of the unsub.

By the time it’s time for bed, his body is aching for nothing but sleep — and it looked like you had the same idea. Already slipped under the covers, you’re curled up, half-asleep as your eyes flutter heavy with sleep.

Neither of you felt the need to stand guard in the room — the doors were securely locked for each of the couples, and the team was monitoring the situation at the local precinct. But you both kept your weapons close by — concealed in case someone happened to find their way in.

“Are you asleep?” Hotch whispers, and you mumble, shaking your head, turning to glance at him — your shoulders tense and brow furrowed.

“Is something going on?”

And he shakes his head, “No, sorry,” and you relax back in bed, but your lips still pursed, “I just hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable earlier,” and you tilt your head — and he almost smiles at your sleep-induced confusion.

“Earlier?” and then it floods back to you — as you blink, glancing away from him, “oh—”

He shakes his head, “I just don’t want you to think I was—”

“Hotch, I know you weren’t,” you slowly sit up, “if you hadn’t done that, I think we would have been on our way home on our first day,” you chuckle, “and I know you wouldn’t take advantage — especially when we have a job to do.”

Right, a job, he chides himself, It was a job.

“If you want to sleep—”

“I’m not having this conversation again,” you yawn, turning around and getting comfortable again, “good night, Hotch.”

And he looks at you, a small sigh parting his lips — until he finally settles in bed beside you.

His arm resting across his forehead, he glances at you again. He had spent so much of today holding your hand, his fingers nearly flexing at the memory. It had been so long since he had held someone’s hand, so long since he had worn a ring on his finger, so long since he called someone his partner.

It felt so nice.

Nice — not only because he hadn’t realized how much he had missed having someone, someone beside him, someone there — but because —

Because it was you.

And he knew that because — he didn’t want to let go of your hand.

[thed4rkhand]

planets through the first house

Planets through the first house

Ready for yet another astrology post? We’ll be covering the results of different planets when placed in the first house of a birth chart. Remember that astrology is super fickle and changes dramatically with sign placement, aspects and conjunctions. So without any further delay, lets get into it! Do reblog and like, it took me a lot of effort to compile my observations! Feel free to leave feedback!

Trigger warning- too many, these are just my observations. Also i didn’t proof read, so spelling mistkes could be there.

for Rahu, look at the saturn part. (north node)

for ketu, look at the mars part. (south node)

Sun in the first house-

When sun is in the first house of a birth chart, the person may be heavily influenced by their father. They may look like their father or have a similar personality. Such people tend to be perfectionists, its their way or the highway. They may have a tendency to gain weight easily, however if its in scorpio then they’ll dramatically shed it and gain it, in a loop. They are extremely magnetic people. They may deal with foreigners on a regular basis, or speak a foreign language. They may deal with the government very often and may work for the government as diplomats. They may obtain their higher education abroad. They can remain quite childlike till much older. They can be very protective of their community, traditions and religion, and aim to spread awareness about it. These people are actually rarely concerned with someone’s exterior, because often times such people have such good intuition and spiritual powers (some are literally called mystics because of this), they can literally see through someone. For this reason, they actually don’t like associating with too many people, despite having a very charming personality. These are the kind of people that keep searching for ‘the one’. People may approach them regarding projects first, and they may work for the government. They may have extremely powerful enemies, but they shall defeat them. They may be closer to their mother’s family and culture. They may have a peculiar accent when talking, and many people will compliment their speech. They may have frizzy and big hair. They’ll have heavy acne in their younger years. They’ll have small squinted eyes, often accompanied by crows feet. They’ll appear much younger, and so will their mother. Their mother might be very short. They hate being indebted and like paying off loans quickly. They’ll have beautiful hands, and they have a habit of growing their nails. Many of them like to sing. Their father could’ve been a teacher or worked in heavy research based fields, maybe even a musician or doctor. Their life may go through rapid ups and down throughout. They may be extremely fond of cattle and horses, and hate flying. They may interject and cut people off in conversations. They will fall for married people or people in relationships, they will be good cooks and feel alienated by their mothers. They may wear glasses early on, and also they’re into fire rituals or fire. (pyromaniacs?). you will critique people and say terrible things you don’t mean when angry. You will have a large forehead or a receding hairline. You’ll have nightmares and premonitions about death and illness. You might be very very fond of gold or golden colours. You will be argumentative.

Moon in the first house-

When moon is in the first house of a birth chart, the person is heavily influenced by their mother. They may resemble their mother or have a similar personality. Such people are extremely moody and are always preoccupied with other’s opinion of them. They may have a tendency to fluctuate between their body weight, and are likely to have body dysmorphia. They have short necks and generally are short in height too. They’re very critical and over-analyze everything and everyone. Sometimes, even unconsciously, they manipulate people to suit their needs and whims. They get side tracked too often and have difficulty focussing on one task at hand, often amounting to laziness in other people’s eyes, even if the native is extremely hardworking in reality. However when in comes to personal care, they tend to do things in a very half-hearted manner. These people are also prone to isolating themselves from others, especially when things get hard. Such  people tend to be famous or popular in friend circles, or at the very least well known. They can be extremely picky people and often can be obsessive in their thoughts. They may follow their mother’s footpath professionally, and may want to pursue fields related to law, beauty/architecture and biology. Their mother’s were very involved in their life. Such people are always on the internet trying to look up astrology posts, tarot, etc. They like knowing whats going to happen and like to be prepared for it. They can be extremely manipulative when they want to be. They may see a lot of prophetic dreams, and their mother or them often have pressure buildup in their ears or can hear random sounds or voices. They enjoy looking at stars and the night sky. They enjoy a strange fascination for water and looking at people’s eyes. They could be into massaging people or have ‘healing hands’, or their mother could.

Venus in the first house-

When Venus is in the first house of a birth chart, the person is heavily influenced by their colleagues, significant others, or their families. They’re extremely swayed by people’s opinions of them, and often because of this are very unsure in their abilities. Big doe-like yes are often seen with this, and an inmate ability to gain beer-blotches on their face. They attract people to them. They may have bad relationships with their families, and their mother could have had a miscarriage just before them. They can be hyper sensitive regarding taste, smell and sound. They may be excellent singers or play musical instruments. They dress up glamorously for parties, but when at home or alone, they’re usually roaming around like they’re homeless. They suffer depression if they’re not looking their best even, heavily into working out and grooming. They may be extremely religious or spiritual and may mediate a lot. They explain concepts very well and can be some of the best teachers around. They usually attract female friends. They love the smell of musk and love digging deep and researching, even stalking. They could be into ancient civilizations and history, photography and art, gardening and plants, fascinated with concepts of violence and death. They sit on their bed and work, they love the sound of fire crackling and fireplaces, they gain when in relationships and love asmr sounds. The most competitive people ever and so very possessive of their own goods, also back and forth with morality (eg. One day spiritual and the next they love material goods, one day vegan and then back to being a non-vegetarian)

Mercury in the first house-

When mercury is in the first house of a birth chart, the person is heavily influenced by what extended family or acquaintances think of them. Such people are also very concerned about their health, and can be hypochondriacs. They may also at all times think that people hate them, without any reason. They could be great speakers or orators or writers. They can have a great imagination, that is extremely vivid and unique, especially as a kid. They may want to pursue careers related to beauty with such a positioning, or even theatre or music. They may have a very unique appearance, and may appear androgynous. For women, they could look like their fathers, and for men, they can look like their mothers. They may be into research and like getting to the bottom of a matter. They may always have this appearance of half-closed eyes, they never open them fully. This gives them this drowsy look. They love making spread-sheets and calculating their expenses. They could have liver or kidney issues. They may get into occult due to their siblings. A lot of transformation comes into their life due to their family and pets. They may want to live abroad. They may have addiction issues to substances like alcohol and drugs. They may have troubles with their father. May cause rifts between your mother and your father too, causes them to have a love-less marriage. They may be called snake-like, dream of snakes and walk with a very purposeful walk, they kind of sway alot. They may be extremely secretive in life. You may have lactose intolerance, and may be envious of other people’s success. You or your parents have a lot of unaccounted wealth. Such people could hear voices in their heads, see prophetic dreams and have fears of the deep water. This could make someone very tall as well. May be fond of children and old people. Either extremely thick eyebrows or no eyebrows. Dimples are very common. Long necks and dark circles, deep sunken eyes. Very cutesy appearance. Skin is discolored and if the position is afflicted, skin diseases are common. Long hands and loves instruments like the piano. You can separately raise your eyebrows and the most, I mean the most, theatrical ones.

Mars in the first house-

When mars is in the first house of a birth chart, they’re very conscious of their own opinion, or are always thinking that someone may be watching them, like paranormally. Also, they’re largely confident in themselves, for they don’t really pay that much attention to others. In fact they’ll go out of their way to rebel. They could have suffered through acne, heat boils and other skin diseases. They have frizzy or curly hair, and very reddish complexions. These are the people who blush so easily and prominently. You may have skin scarring with this, as simple as acne marks and freckles, to larger scars and burns. So expressive, the type of people who can separately raise their eyebrows. They tend to be the type who change their appearance so very often, from weight fluctuations, to piercings, to hair colors, wardrobe rehauls, and all. They can have an element of looking foreign or different. They may have huge eyes and they’re almost protruding or absolutely sunken, massive cheekbones or hallowed out cheeks. They may have this mysterious look to their eyes, and this always sad or lost look. Eyes are very red, and often they have issues like sinus or nose is always blocked or watering. They may have hidden wealth, also the type of people to have the type of personality where you would never suspect they’re into occult. They are very close or have some karmic relationship (could be negative) with their father’s brothers. They also always think about escaping, largely to forests and retreating there for a bit. Very into finding cures and deep research. Also love dears, might worship shiva and are addicted to coffee. Also fasination with the moon. People might attract stalkers with this. Hoarders and so critical everything and everyone, especially hoarders of photos. Photographs memory and love for photography and art. Love for music and music instruments, and may own one and keep it in their room. Fidget by tapping pens or feet, have to make a sound. Can be argumentative and terrible tempers. They love garlic and onion and root vegetable stuff honestly. Also weird affinity for horses and speed. Also they love seats with hand-rests, the comfy sink into ones. They’re the types who go for the head of the table seat. Also we’re you born via a c-section and not natural birth? Something is off about your birth, could be the only child.

Saturn in the first house-

When Saturn is in the first house of a birth chart, it makes people extremely unconventional and almost a social outcaste. They can sometimes have these half shut lazy eyes, where their eyelid is heavy and big, and they always appear to be drowsy. They may be alarmingly fond of animals, especially large wild animals. Also they’re absolute perfectionists, they just get up and destroy the things they created and don’t like. Also rain or thunder ASMR. They’re also neat freaks, they like their stuff kept a particular way and don’t go around cleaning their room or touching stuff. They are usually influenced by their mother and are quite close to them, unless you’re born in the evening or night time, then you’re absolutely like your father, resemble him and act like him. They may hear a lot of sounds very regularly, in their head. Could be schizophrenic or just hear loud thumping sounds. Possible love having musically instruments in their house and could play one, or they know a lot of musicians. They may be the youngest in their peer groups or colleagues, sometimes oldest. They do have old-soul personalities though. They love doing volunteer work at shelters and looking out for the underprivileged. Their upbringing could have been strict. They make friends from around the world, you’ll actually notice that they might have a lot of middle-eastern friends or be intrigued by their culture. They could have problems with their backs and legs. Further, they may be very no-nonsense strict teacher kind of person. They can also alternatively be the life of the party person, or both really. They could either be extremely happy and jumpy in public and really broody in private, or the other way around. They work so hard yet rarely get results. They suffer through a lot of ups and downs in life. Usually this gives an innate ability to lose weight and appear rather slender, also tall. This usually gives some kind of unique features to the face, large eyebrows, pointy cheekbones, small mouths, exaggerated features and this kind of drugged up look in their eyes. For women, this gives a curvy look to the body, with great breasts (in relation to proportions). People love cheese here, also they are great with children. They get blamed for cheating or other issues when they haven’t done it. You go against dogmatic thinking. You may attract men and women. Great looking feet and omg the obsession with shoes? Stop it already, you don’t need more. Also stop looking at the watch and making schedules, stop being obsessed with time, or really stop procrastinating.

Jupiter in the first house-

When Jupiter is in the first house of a chart, one is usually undeniably lucky in life. People with this placement tend to be tall, and if not then they have a big bone structure. They will have beautiful feet. They gain weight easily. They are heavily influenced by their fathers and spouses. They like scholarly debates and discussions and dislike arguments. They are fond of foreign cultures and the other dimensions, they believe in religious interventions and god. They can be a bit conservative in nature. They were either born in a comfortably rich household or will have it later. They or their parents own more than one property. Their mother has bad health, and could’ve fallen sick after giving birth to them or never had children after them. Their mother is spiritual. They could obtain higher education abroad. They could be into fields of liberal arts, especially law and academics (like wanting to become professors), they could alternatively also be musically inclined. They will have an enchanting speech and aura, and people will commend their oration. They can be into writing. They could enjoy traveling a lot. They keep looking for love, it is one of their priorities even from a young age. They feel connected to spirits or gods, and often feel that there is something off or unique about them. They may have clairvoyant abilities and may practice activities of the occult or astrology. They usually have on and off relationships in life. You chase people you like. You need intellectual compatibility in a relationship. Very choosy about clothes, friends, vacations and all. Don’t wake them up from sleep, they love sleeping, or alternatively never get enough sleep. You do things smartly, not with hardwork. You may be interested in real-estate. They get into spirituality very young, around 16 when Jupiter matures. They pretend to be more knowledgable than they are in certain areas, might fib. They’re proud of their occult knowledge. Their is a polarity in their personality that everyone sees and what their close friends see. Maybe they’re extroverted outside and very introverted inside. Or maybe they have family issues and never speak about it. Could be anything. Also a polarity in wanting material gains like status, success and money, and wanting liberation and wanting to become spiritual. They keep going back and forth. Also they keep changing their opinions on things. Notice they have good hands too. Also acne and scarring. Terrible tempers, and can be asexual or aromatic, or just don’t like to show that side to themselves. The letter ’t’ may be relevant to them, either in their name, their family, or their spouse. Don’t invoke spirits of the dead please, don’t keep trying to shift realities either, chill. They keep their nails long. People usually don’t know that a native is into occult, as they have a very different outside persona.

[onestowatch]

19 LGBTQIA+ Artists You Need to Listen to This PRIDE

PRIDE is all about self-empowerment and self-determination. It’s about not just being comfortable with who you are but showing the world that there is pride to be found in being unapologetically you. And that’s why, this PRIDE, we wanted to shine a light on a small handful of our favorite LGBTQIA+ artists. Ranging from rapturous hyperpop, revelatory bossa nova meditations, romantic rave music, and everywhere in between, these are 19 LGBTQIA+ artists who deserve a spot on your PRIDE playlist and every playlist for that matter. 

girl in red

In her debut single, “i wanna be your girlfriend,” a teenage girl in red unapologetically sings of young queer love over a mesh of lofi production and jangly instrumentation that would come to define much of the bedroom pop genre. It is a standout moment of unrelenting honesty, and a serenely simple three-minute confession that would go on to strike a chord with millions who were afraid of what it meant to be something more than friends. Now, a few years later and following the release of her critically-acclaimed debut album, if i could make it go quiet, Ulven still writes with that same emotional honesty, putting forth every ounce of herself for the world to see. 

Meet Me @ The Altar

“the little lonely black alt girl i was in the 00s is living rn, she never even dared to hope she might see this 💖💖,” reads the top comment on Meet Me @ The Altar’s music video for their single “Garden.” It is a sentiment shared by much of the rising band’s fanbase, who are used to the mainstream alternative scene championing cis white males. Existing in the space between pop-punk and hardcore, Meet Me @ The Altar exists to challenge the notion that queer women of color don’t have a place in punk. And after penning a record deal with Fueled By Ramen, home to the likes of Paramore, Panic! at the Disco, and nearly every pop-punk band that made up your middle school playlist, chances are this is just the beginning for our new favorite punks.

THE BLOSSOM

For Lily Lizotte, better known as THE BLOSSOM, music exists as the synthesis and subsequent recontextualization of a host of past experiences. From the sound of their dad belting away in his home studio to stumbling upon niche Internet subgenres, THE BLOSSOM transforms all this and more into a sound that is instantly recognizable but impossible to perfectly place. The culmination of this host of influences takes sweeping sonic form on their debut EP, ‘97 BLOSSOM, a perfectly imperfect introduction to one of the most fascinating rising artists of recent memory.

BIMINI

You may recognize BIMINI as Bimini Bon-Boulash, the runner-up on the second season of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK. And now you should familiarize yourself with Bimini, brit-pop extraordinaire. Releasing their debut single “God Save This Queen” earlier this June, Bimini deftly channels late ‘90s brit-pop and punk to deliver a single that has us absolutely living for the ensuing chaos. Serving up multiple looks throughout its eye-catching music video, “God Save This Queen” is not just a non-binary anthem but a veritable 2021 lookbook.

Hope Tala

With a sound that falls somewhere between turn-of-the-century R&B and bossa nova, Hope Tala’s music is expectedly a dream given sonic form. Perhaps that’s why much of the UK singer, songwriter, and multi-instrumentalist’s music is able to so deftly weave imagery of love, heartache, and teenage fistfights into tightknit tracks that feel simultaneously transcendental and deeply personal. And with the release of her 2020 EP, Girl Eats the Sun, Hope Tala poses one all-important question, “Why have a life if you’re not going to do something crazy and make a difference in the world?” 

chloe moriondo

For much of chloe moriondo’s avid fanbase, watching her transform from budding ukulele sensation to pop-punk phenom very much meant watching her grow up. Getting her start on YouTube, moriondo's fanbase witnessed her evolve as both an artist and person. Coming out in the aptly titled “a ramble about self identity, growth, and being a lesbian,” to be a fan of the artist often feels like trading secrets with a close personal friend. It is a sentiment that rings all the more true upon delving into her debut album, Blood Bunny. Grappling with coming-of-age at the axis of empathic pop and euphoric pop-punk, Blood Bunny sees moriondo taking yet another impressive step forward.

Godford

Little is known about Godford beyond what can be garnered from a handful of interviews online and his succinct Spotify bio, and chances are he’s happier that way. The anonymous DJ and producer aims to make non-binary music that exists outside of the confines of genres, overly-simplified classifications, and even himself. What is important are the emotions his music hold and what his listeners take away. Fusing romanticism and rave in his debut album, Godford: Non Binary Place, the anonymous artist does just that. He provides a space that exists simultaneously everywhere and nowhere, like an ephemeral night spent out on the dancefloor with a stranger or close friend.

Joy Oladokun

Joy Oladokun is at the core of her music. It may at first glance appear to be a painfully obvious statement, but as her sincere songwriting seeps into every corner of your soul, it is a notion that becomes undeniable. In her major label debut, in defense of my own happiness, Oladokun writes with an unabashed authenticity, never turning a blind eye to the world around her. These shared reflections and recollections of life are often heartbreaking and uplifting in the same breath, but in their candidness, we can begin to piece together what it means to be human, imperfections and all.  

Allison Ponthier

Allison Ponthier may only have a handful of singles to her name, but her unmatched potential is clear as day. Raised in the outskirts of Dallas, Texas, Ponthier’s moving songwriting and emphatic vocal prowess speak to her country roots. Pair that country sensibility with some of the most pristine pop songwriting we have heard in quite some time, and you begin to understand just how exciting Ponthier is as a rising artist. With only two singles to date, there’s not much else we can say beyond do yourself a favor and play “Cowboy” on repeat.

Rina Sawayama

It feels like no hyperbole to call Rina Sawayama an inevitable pop icon. First garnering critical acclaim with singles like “Cherry” and her 2017 debut EP RINA, the Japanese-British singer-songwriter staked her name on her immaculate ability to capture all the glamour and larger-than-life appeal of early ‘00s pop. Building on what was a nostalgic yet forward-thinking vision, Sawayama returned with her 2020 eponymous full-length debut. From nu-metal, club beats, to veritable pop anthems, SAWAYAMA emerged as a genre-defying showcase of an avant-garde pop star.

Arlo Parks

Listening to Arlo Parks’ music is akin to sipping on a hot cup of chamomile tea as you watch the world slowly pass by your living room window. It is a testament to the British poet and singer-songwriter’s subtle yet beautiful way with words, the way in which each lyric serves as a glance into a tightly-held memory or passing observation. These poetic musings come to life in her debut album, Collapsed In Sunbeams, which layers lyrical revelations over some of the most tender R&B of recent memory. Parks’ is more than a must-listen; she feels like the birth of a new wave.

Claud

Claud has spent the past few years making a name for themselves in the indie pop world, and the culmination of it all arrives in their debut album, Super Monster. The acclaimed album sees Claud reckoning with coming-of-age and love with an irresistible charm. Pair that with a penchant for grounded, affective songwriting and infectious, dreamlike melodies and you have one of the best debuts of recent memory. In case you somehow need any further convincing that Claud is one to watch, Super Monster marks the debut release from Phoebe Bridgers’ Saddest Factory Records.

UMI

Equally as inspired by R&B and neo-soul as she is by her generation’s penchant for blurring genre lines, UMI and her music exist as a form of spiritual healing. Half-Black and half-Japanese, her work explores everything from identity to self-introspection, such as on the aptly-titled Introspection. It is a fondness for self-exploration that UMI delves headfirst into on her 2019 EP Love Language, a sublime blend of identity struggles, love, and anime that tackles the issue of always feeling like an other, never Black or Japanese enough.

Joesef

Sad boy summer. It’s the simplest way to being explaining Joesef’s serene albeit somber sound. Emerging out of Glasgow, the quickly rising star often wears his still bleeding heart on his sleeve, even when the underlying sonics seem to be moving onto greener pastures. It is an exquisite balancing act that comes to life on his 2020 EP, Does It Make You Feel Good?. Blending elements of soft-spoken R&B, jazz, and ethereal pop, Joesef sets himself apart as an artist whose influences and appeal know no bounds.

Serena Isioma

At the top of the year, we named Serena Isioma one of our top artists to watch in the year to come, and for good reason. The self-proclaimed “nonbinary rock star” experienced a breakout moment with “Sensitive,” a track that is difficult to perfectly encapsulate but think along the lines of fusing modern-day R&B and woozy indie-pop with reckless abandon, and you’ll be about halfway there. It was an impressive standout track that was only buoyed by a pair of EPs, Sensitive and The Leo Sun Sets, in 2020, officially cementing Isioma as an artist like no other.

Khai Dreams

Khai Dreams’ music is effortlessly easygoing. With its straightforward guitar lines and understated production, every track from the Pacific Northwest singer-songwriter flows out as naturally as breathing. Maybe it’s that laid-back approach that begins to explains Khai Dreams’ universal appeal and millions of monthly listeners, despite releasing most of his music independently. A hallmark of the DIY generation and its massive homebrewed potential, it would be a crying shame if you didn’t let Khai Dream’s serene meditations transport you somewhere far from here.

Frances Forever

Like much of their Gen Z cohorts, Frances Forever’s exponential rise was not the result of a well-executed marketing plan but by the pure chance of a single song finding a home online. The song in question, “Space Girl,” was originally part of NPR’s Tiny Desk Content before soon blowing up on TikTok, and it’s not hard to see why. Short, sweet, and to the point, “Space Girl” is a saccharine love letter to that bubbly feeling of floating on cloud nine. Now signed to Mom+Pop and with their debut EP, Paranoia Party, due out later this year, this is the perfect time to get familiar with Frances Forever.

Dorian Electra

Unapologetically playing with gender norms and stereotypes while seeing just how far they can push the limits of pop, Dorian Electra has long maintained a cult following in the world of experimental, highly addictive hyperpop. And it’s not hard to see why. Having collaborated with the likes of Charli XCX, 100 gecs, Village People, Pussy Riot, Rebecca Black, and more, Electra’s music ranges from off-the-rails hyperpop to introspective pop slow burns. All of this and more reaches a fever pitch in their 2020 album My Agenda, a devious showcasing of one of pop’s most explosive figures.

MAY-A

Maya Cumming, professionally known as MAY-A, is no stranger to the hustle it takes to make it in the music industry. The Australian artist got her start entering numerous singing competitions in her hometown of Byron Bay and started busking on the streets at the tender age of 11. Now, she has a breakout single under her belt in the form of “Apricots,” an anthemic indie-pop ode to queer love. And since that breakout moment, MAY-A has continued to release impressive single after single—the latest being the collaborative “American Dream.”

[taggingtim]

Why I love Pre-Boot Tim Drake and why the Reboot has ruined him

I love Tim Drake.  He is my favorite comic book character of all time.  I’ve been really upset the past few days about what DC has been doing with him lately, and I thought it would be cathartic for me to write something up about it.  (No, this isn’t a rant about Tim being bi/gay; it’s a much larger problem than that. But I’ll get to that in a bit.) Bear with me for a bit of history, first.

When I was a kid I loved the Batman Animated Series.  I know this will lose me a lot of internet cred, but I always preferred the fourth season. In particular, I loved Tim Drake. He was fun and funny and I absolutely adored him.  I used to beg my mom to take me to the mall so I could buy issues of Gotham Adventures. For my birthday one year my parents got me a subscription to the comic, and I was blown away by the idea that I could have comics MAILED to my HOUSE.

Around middle school I started collecting Marvel comics, mostly X-men stuff.  I loved them, but when I started college I quit the hobby for financial reasons.

 Fast forward a few years, and I felt I was financially stable enough to start buying comics again. Rather than going back to Marvel, I decided to give Batman comics a chance.  I had no idea where to start, and when I found out my beloved Tim had his own comic series, I thought it was a perfect entry point into the Batman universe. I bought the complete series from a local comic shop and dove in.

 Tim’s Robin series was exactly what I was looking for in a comic.  He was very different from little Timmy Todd from BtAS, but I loved him. I built the rest of my comic collection around him, grabbing up every book that he was featured in, from Young Justice to Teen Titans to Batman, Detective Comics, Nightwing, Red Robin, and many others.  I have random books from series like The Demon just because Tim was in them.

 So why did I like Tim so much?  What about this character made me so excited for more?  I found in Tim something that I had never seen in a comic book before: character growth.  Somehow, though he was written by many different authors over many different years, Tim managed to have a character arc that is consistent and makes sense. Sure, there were a few small bumps along the way, but on the whole Tim has always stayed true to his character, and he’s developed in a way that the big name characters, like Batman, never can.

 When we’re first introduced to Tim, he’s a young teen who has been neglected by his parents growing up. He’s smart, healthy, and strong, but he lacks so much self confidence and has little sense of self worth.  Tim notices Bruce’s increasing violence as he grieves for the loss of his son, and Tim knows he needs to step in and help.  Batman needs a Robin.

 For most characters, this would be the part where Tim put himself forward for the job.  But he doesn’t.  He seeks out Dick Grayson and begs him to come home instead.  It’s only when Batman and Nightwing are in danger and there is literally no one else to help that Tim steps up and dons the cape. And once he does, he’s constantly plagued by self-doubt, terrified he will screw up and leave Batman worse than ever before.

 From there, Tim undergoes intense training.  He never begs to be in the spotlight, doesn’t push to go out on the streets before he’s ready.  His goal is to help Bruce as much as possible.

 Here’s where I started to fall in love with him.  All that self-doubt, the constant need to be useful?  That’s exactly what you would expect to see from a child whose parents had ignored and neglected him.  He finally has a parental figure who sees him, who values him, and Tim does everything he can to make himself worthy in the hopes that Bruce will keep him around.

 This is the first example of character consistency that we see with Tim.  And it continues.  When his mom dies and his dad is put in a coma, you see Tim struggle to come to terms with losing the people he loves, but never had a relationship with.  Tim almost never mentions his mom after her death, because she just wasn’t present in his life.  When his dad recovers and decides to stick around, Tim struggles to build a relationship with him.  He’s plagued with guilt because he’s finally found the father figure he needed in Bruce, but he thinks that he’s supposed to feel that way for Jack.  It’s a running undercurrent in their relationship that creates distance between them for years.

 This is already so long, so I’m going to try to summarize a bit more.  We get to watch Tim grow up.  We see his awkward relationship with his first girlfriend, Ariana.  He doesn’t know how to treat her; he’s never had the opportunity to observe a healthy relationship.  But he tries so, so hard.  All of Tim’s relationships are awkward, because he’s never had a model of a good one. Steph is a great match for him, because she’s very vocal about what she wants and needs, and she isn’t afraid to call Tim out when he messes up, which is exactly what Tim needs.

 Big things happen to Tim. He’s stuck with Jean-Paul Valley, who slowly goes insane, leaving Tim to try to keep the city in one piece.  He’s infected with the Clench, a plague that sweeps over Gotham and kills everyone it touches, and barely escapes with his life. His girlfriend is sexually assaulted, leaving him to deal with the fallout.  His family moves out of Gotham, and he has to sneak back in during No Man’s Land to help.  His relationship with his dad has intense ups and downs, resulting in him being sent to boarding school, punished in a variety of ways, and generally caused a lot of trouble in his life.

 Then people start dying. Over the course of about a year in his life, Tim loses his girlfriend, his dad, a close friend, and his best friend, each of whom dies under tragic conditions.  Tim’s grief is intense, and he is understandably traumatized by the losses. We see fundamental changes in his character.  He changes his costume from something bright and cheerful to something darker that reflects his emotional state.  He’s more subdued, his adventures a little more serious.

 When Bruce first tries to adopt him, Tim literally creates an uncle and hires an actor to play him, just to avoid dealing with the situation.  Bruce has viewed Tim as a son for years, so to him the adoption is an obvious step.  For Tim, it feels like a betrayal of his father, and it takes a while before he’s ready to accept Bruce’s love, home, and a place in his family.  

 When Damian shows up on the scene, Tim really struggles with him, and not just because early Damian is a horrid brat who tries to kill Tim on multiple occasions.  Tim has always felt the need to earn his place with Bruce, and Damian constantly throws all of Tim’s biggest fears in his face—he’s not wanted or needed now that the “real” son is here, he’s not worthy of a place in the family, he’s not good enough.

 Tim tries to clone Conner, his best friend.  He’s lost so many people, and he’s desperate to get them back.  Conner was cloned to begin with and fully matured over a very short period of time; the technology clearly exists, so why can’t Tim use it to get his best friend back?  And if he can get Conner back, why not the others he’s lost?  He eventually gives up, but when he eventually gets access to a Lazarus Pit, he immediately wants to incorporate the waters into his process so he can revive his loved ones.  With Dick’s help, Tim eventually decides to let it go, but it’s such a poignant moment for the character.

 Then Bruce dies, and Dick takes Robin away.  Tim switches to the Red Robin persona as he travels the world, alone, trying to prove that he was right.  He has to deal with the trauma of losing another father, finds out that his girlfriend never died but let him hurt so much for so long.  His brother and the only close friend he has left both think his grief has overwhelmed his sense and that he’s gone crazy.  He’s utterly alone.

 The Red Robin series is such a great culmination for Tim.  He finds a place for himself as a hero, as a CEO.  He gets parts of his family back—Bruce, Steph, Bart, Conner.  He finally figures out who he wants to be and creates a place for himself.

 This overarching character development is what I love about Tim.  His many, many traumas impact his decisions, and you can clearly see how he changes over time as a result of them.  I didn’t even go into his development as a leader from his early fumbling with Young Justice to his strong leadership of the Teen Titans, or how his relationships with Conner, Bart, and Cassie develop so fluidly and realistically over the years.

 This is why I love Tim. Characters like Batman are static; nothing that happens to them will ever have a lasting impact, because in the end the character always returns to what they were.  Tim, on the other hand, has changed and developed A LOT since his initial appearance.  His growth has always been consistent and logical.

 When the reboot happened, all of that character growth was lost.  Tim was replaced with a jerk who betrayed his friends and cheated on his girlfriend.  DC has basically retconned all of this and tried to turn Tim back into who he was, but by taking away all of the things that have happened to him over the years, Tim has lost SO MUCH.

 I keep looking for my Tim in recent comics, and I just can’t find him.  It breaks my heart, because I love him so much, and it feels like he’s lost to me forever.  The most recent Young Justice comic series actually gave me hope; I felt like maybe, finally, someone was going to write Tim correctly.  He had his primary friendships back, his relationship with Steph was developing (even if they seem to have completely dropped all the development around Steph’s decision to let Tim think she was dead).  The actual book itself wasn’t fantastic, but it felt like they were headed in the right direction.

 Over the last few days, I read the Batman: Urban Legends books.  I actually read the Batman/Red Hood story first, which was fantastic.  I was really excited to read Tim’s story (though I already knew how it ended).  Jason’s character was handled so well, and he seemed to actually have some character development that will hopefully last.  I anticipated the same for Tim.

 But Tim’s story was awful. The plot was all over the place—kids are being kidnapped, so Tim has to join a pain cult to get them back?  He’s somehow helping Oracle with computer issues while simultaneously questioning witnesses?  He’s broken up with Steph, off camera, shortly after telling her how much he loves her, but Steph somehow thinks that they should have a caring relationship where Tim tells her what he’s feeling?  Bernard has somehow become a good enough fighter to stand side by side with Robin?  Tim STILL doesn’t have a code name?  Why is everyone suddenly hounding him about what he wants to do with his life?

 It’s just such a mess of a story.  If it didn’t end with Tim agreeing to go on a date with Bernard, no one would ever have even mentioned it.  There’s nothing particularly re-readable or enjoyable about it.

 I actually liked that they brought Bernard back. I really enjoyed him in the original Robin series. It’s been a while since I read that part of the series (I’m actually working my way back through it now).  I know Bernard always read as gay to me, yet somehow I felt like he was out of character in these books.

 And then, the climax of the story.  Tim is bi, or gay, or has at least agreed to go on a date with a boy.

 If this had happened in the pre-boot, when Tim was Red Robin and had an actual character arc, I honestly wouldn’t have had an issue with it.  I do think it would have needed a LOT more build up than it was given here.  Tim has always been a very introspective character, and we’ve been party to so much of his internal monologue over the years.  It seems very strange to me that such a huge thing just sneaks up on him out of nowhere when he’s never even thought about it before.

 But more than that, this story just feels like the final death blow for the Tim I loved.  The whole arc is about how Tim doesn’t know who he is or who he wants to be.  What will his hero name be?  Will he go to college?  What is he going to do with his life?  These are all great questions, and his answer to all of them is… date a boy?  

 Is this going to be his defining characteristic going forward?  From here will we just see Tim exploring and discovering his sexuality?  The Tim we have now doesn’t have a family, a team, a purpose, or even a code name.  Why was this the thing that DC decided to give us?  It feels like they wanted to make a gay Robin and decided it would be Tim because they didn’t know what else to do with him.

 It’s stupid, but I honestly feel like I’ve spent the past few days grieving the loss of a loved one. The Tim that DC is presenting now is just not the person that I knew.  Tim would never break up with Steph that abruptly for what he admits is no apparent reason.  He would never say “just call me Robin, since Damian’s out of town.”  Everything that I love about Tim seems to be gone, and in its place DC has given me a date with a boy.  

 Again, it’s not Tim being not-straight that I have an issue with.  I’ve never read the character that way, but it’s something I can live with. My issue is the way it was handled. Why not make Tim an actual person first, and then explore his sexuality?  Send him off to college!  He’s obviously thinking about it!  It’s the perfect opportunity to give him his own book.  He can move to a different city, choose a new name, and DC can introduce a whole new set of characters.  Figure out which parts of Tim’s backstory are still canon, and which have been dropped. Make him a person again, and then let him explore his sexuality.

 I know this post is all over the place, and I don’t have time right now to go back and edit it.  I just really needed an outlet for my frustration.  Right now it feels like there are so many people who are so excited about Tim being bi/gay, but they don’t know anything else about him.  I keep seeing people comment how DC has been “dropping hints for years!” with no evidence other than “he and Superboy were really close!”  I guess I’d just really like to have some dialogue with other people who are fans of Tim, rather than fans of Tim-as-bi/gay or fans of Tim-as-straight.

 Does anyone else feel this way?  I’d honestly like to have a dialogue about it with other long time fans.

[morphinethevaccine]

Would you want to be their roommate? (ADA Edition)

a/n: In which you're the roommate of various Armed Detective Agency members. I'm only like, half serious.

  — Dazai Osamu Boundaries? I don't know her.

Rule #1 of rooming with Dazai is understand he's a hypocrite. While he's 100% the type to read your diary, eat your snacks with zero intention of replacing them and take your stuff without asking, he does not want the favor returned. 

Honestly, Dazai prefers to have his own space. Having a roommate makes it a little hard to engage in some of his more reckless endeavors, like ignoring warning labels to mix bleach and ammonia, trying to inhale oven fumes, and womanizing (its not like he usually brings people back to his place anyway because he isn’t keen on people knowing where he lives, but the point still stands). 

Just pay little mind to the fact your toaster is missing because he tried (and failed) to drop it in the bathtub with him. Again.

— Atsushi Nakajima and Kyouka Izumi I feel a sitcom coming on.

Moving in with a stoic former murder turned do-gooder and the traumatized orphan with a self worth problem too many sounds like a scriptwriting fever dream. But hey, a positive: no matter how screwy your background is, you don't have to feel like the weird one. 

Quirks aside, neither makes a bad roommate: Atsushi is thoughtful, caring, and marginally domestic, while Kyouka minds her business by staying out the way for the most part. 

Considering the bizarre makeup of the occupants, people might look at the three of you and wonder how you manage to coexist. Maybe the three of you can even be the wholesome version of Three's Company, complete with regular misunderstandings that could have easily been avoided had someone just been more forthcoming.

— Doppo Kunikida Is this really how you want to live your life?

Has his lights on timer and 'quiet hours' he sticks to religiously. Organized to a 'T': you putting things back in the incorrect place or leaving a jar on the wrong shelf in the pantry is going to give him a tension headache. 

Definitely shouldn't be the residence of choice for messy people, those inept at reading social cues (who in turn won't know when to shut up and leave him alone), or anyone with an alternative sleep pattern. Will not hesitate to tell you off if you're running the microwave at 2 am. 

A great place for routine addicts or wayward souls in need of someone to beat order and structure into their head-- sometimes literally, but for the non-anal retentive, this is probably the closest form of spiritual suicide on this side of heaven. 

— Jun'ichiro Tanizaki and Naomi Tanizaki For those who don't value their mental health.

At first glance, not a bad place to stay. Jun'ichiro’s a solid cook, gives off everyman/boy-next-door vibes and is relatively sane (unless Naomi's in danger). Naomi's nice enough and likely a fun person to hang around assuming she's not glued to her brother's side. 

But don't get too excited just yet. Both tend to be fine, if not enjoyable to interact with individually, but the main problem with rooming with this pair is having to stomach them together. 

Imagine listening to these two doting on each other. All the time. Hearing that day after day is going to shave at least 10 years off your total lifespan, give or take. I suppose you can invest in earplugs and work on expanding your happy place, but is it really worth it?

— Ranpo Edogawa   Roommates? I think you misspelled 'parent and child’

Expect to hear "Great Detectives don't do (insert thing he should definitely be doing)" often. Could be a great roommate if he applied himself, but his laziness tends to delve into 'hand me the remote even though it's an inch from my fingertips' territory. 

Don't expect him to know how to use the garbage disposal or run the dishwasher (or be apologetic about either fact). Can't be trusted to buy groceries: his contributions are just the entirety of the snack aisle: Twizzlers, Mike and Ike's and this color changing drink he found at the convenience store. 

Pushes off things he should be doing (like his laundry) on you because 'you're washing clothes anyway' and has the frustrating tendency to only 'deduce' things you really don't want him to, like why your girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with you. 

— Akiko Yosano Not too bad, actually.

While Yosano might come across intimidating, she's largely harmless to the average joe or jane. Unless you piss her off, she has little reason to saw off any of your extremities. 

Generally speaking, she’s a normal roommate who respects your personal space (and expects the same in return, so please do the same if you value your life) and takes care of her portion of shared responsibilities without issue. Yosano isn't argumentative, but she's not one to bite her tongue, either. 

So if you're looking for a roommate who's not going to call you out if you're on some bullshit, Yosano is not that roommate. As long as you pull your weight and aren't unusually annoying, the two of you can manage a cordial relationship with minimal threats and/or bloodshed.

— Kenji Miyazawa Prepare yourself for a host of weird proverbs.

Has a 50/50 chance of calling you 'roomie' ("Because that's what city people say, right?") or something else mildly irritating. As the literal personification of its not that deep, it's pretty impossible to get him upset, which is great news for you-- just in case you happen to be the annoying one in this scenario. 

Kenji's probably the most laidback roommate of the ADA roster, who wouldn’t fight you for ownership of the larger bedroom or get salty if you monopolize the bathroom.

Bonus points if you happen to find his often bizarre stories about life in the country entertaining rather than disturbing (said stories are always told with a smile no matter how screwed up they are, of course, because this is Kenji.) Overall, not a bad person to have as a roommate unless positivity and blind optimism tend to give you hives.

[butwhyduh]

If you're doing the writing prompts then could you do a dick grayson x reader for 'Betrayal by a lover to the enemy' but it isn't actual betrayal and she's just going undercover?

Warning: cursing, alludes to sexual activity, angst.

You ran as fast as you could on the rafters of the building. If you could just get to the window, you could escape. If luck was on your side, you could leave before Dick ever saw you. Batman, Robin, and Nightwing were fighting thugs down low. Your legs and lungs burned as you moved.

But you weren’t lucky. Far from.

You were yards from the edge when you were yanked to the foot path on your stomach. You groaned and tried to scramble away. Instead you were roughly flipped. Nightwing pinned you down and you struggled to free yourself.

It was all but useless. His legs were on either side of your legs holding them down. Dick’s hands grabbed your wrists and pushed them above your head to the concrete floor. You yelped in pain and wiggled and strained.

“You can’t get away. You’ve been working for Deathstroke. It’s time you get put away,” he said shifting your hold both wrists in one hand. You gasped and shook your head as he moved his hand down to your domino mask.

“No,” you moaned, trying your best to shake him off. It was no use. He was much larger, stronger, and, frankly, madder than you were. You knew you were going to have bruises on your wrist from his tight grip. He was going to know your identity.

Dick peeled the mask off and gasped. He froze but his grip never lessened. His eyes widened and his brow creased in confusion followed by pain. Your lips parted to speak but nothing came out.

“You? No...,” he said completely shocked. “Can’t be. Why... why would you hurt me?”

You had cut him shallowly a few weeks earlier because he got too close. You hated yourself for it but he hadn’t needed any stitches or anything. But at this moment, he probably meant the other pain you had caused, betrayal.

You closed your eyes and looked away. You couldn’t tell him. There was too much on the line. This mission was too secret. Not even Batman knew.

Dick stroked the side of your face and you quickly turned to look at him. “I loved you and you hurt me,” he said and the grip on your wrists tightened. You whimpered.

“You’re hurting me,” you gasped. His grip loosened slightly.

“I can’t believe you. I loved you,” he said and you noted the past tense of his words. This job just lost you your boyfriend. You clenched your jaw to stop from crying. It wouldn’t help anything to speak when you couldn’t say the truth.

“I love you,” you couldn’t help but say. Dick turned away and his jaw clenched in anger. His fingers tightened enough to hurt around your wrist. You whimpered.

“Not when you’re working with him,” he said. Dick reached for his pockets and pulled out cuffs, meta cuffs, and cuffed your wrists to the metal bar on the rafter. The use of meta cuffs showed that he had no trust in you any more. You had never shown any powers.

“You don’t understand,” your voice cracked.

“Tell me,” he demanded.

“I- I can’t,” you said, feeling defeated. Dick nodded roughly.

“Enjoy prison. Blackgate is nice this time of year,” Dick said but his usual quip sounded more angry. There was malice and pain in his voice and his eyes looked at you through rage.

“No,” you whispered. You pulled on the cuffs but knew it wasn’t going to help. They could tie up Superman if they needed to.

Dick climbed off of you and stood above you. You could see why Nightwing was an imposing looking hero now. There was no love, no happiness in his face. You were never going to get that back. You yanked at the cuffs with tears coming down your face.

“Don’t bother. GCPD will take care of you,” Dick said coldly.

“Dick, please,” you whimpered. “Please let me go. Please.”

He stared at you with his jaw clenched and face screwed up for a second before flipping off the rafters. You breathed a quick “no” before feeling terribly alone.

It was about a half hour later that police made it up to arrest you. They roughly shoved you in a cop car and to jail. You were placed in general population for 2 hours before finally getting pulled out. You were brought into a private room with the head in charge of the mission.

“What the hell? You make me go to the warehouse and get arrested? You knew they were there. I was identified by Nightwing,” you said bitterly. The officer shrugged.

“Get better at hiding your identity. You made bail and got out,” he said with a shrug. “Your mission is fine. Complete it and you can go back to a normal life.”

“No. I quit. I could have died. What if it was Red Hood and not Nightwing? I could have been shot,” you said furious.

“Sure. Your information might accidentally get leaked to the press is the only issue. And that might get you killed. You know? By Deathstroke,” he said nastily. Your mouth gaped. You were being blackmailed by the police. You understood why people said the police were worse than criminals. You thought they were the same.

“That’s what I thought,” he said with a satisfied sneer. “Get the fuck to a safe house tonight. And get the information on Deathstroke or you might end up dead. Also.... don’t get arrested by a dude in tights. It’s a shit ton of paperwork. Get the fuck out.”

He motioned to the door and you left. It was useless to argue. You should have compromised the mission. Dick should know. You should have told him. But the police would definitely snitch and you’d be on Deathstroke’s kill list and he didn’t get that name for nothing.

You scampered to your safe house where you changed and cried in the shower. You noticed small little bruises around your wrist from Dick and the cuffs. You wanted to call him, tell him what happened but Dick would have found you that way. And you weren’t sure he would believe you and might arrest you again.

Over the next 48 hours, you saw very little. They were worried that you were a snitch since being arrest. But GCPD didn’t seem to care. You got an angry text.

If you don’t have anything new within 24 hours, count your protection as cancelled.

You gulped as you read it. You didn’t want in this anyways. You’d have to be more dangerous, take more risks. It was truly going to be bad.

“Can I come?” You blurted. Deathstroke looked you over and you shivered. His helmet gave away nothing of his thoughts.

“Why?”

“I- I want to learn more. How to be better,” you said.

“You have your training,” he said dismissively.

“But can I come?” You asked. You were wanting to die, hu? No one questioned him. He turned completely back to face you.

“Fine. Clean up duty,” Deathstroke said. You nodded quickly but your heart sank. Clean up duty was usually helping to cut up and burn the bodies and you had been lucky to stay far away from that.

And that’s how you ended up, once again, in the rafters of the same building you have been caught by Dick only 3 days before. You weren’t a superstitious person but this felt bad. Deathstroke was somewhere else waiting for his target. You were watching and reporting. To Deathstroke and GCPD.

You sighted the target. But another worker was with him so Deathstroke didn’t take a shot. This target was a nasty guy. His ex wife’s boyfriend put out the hit and from what you read, you couldn’t blame him. Harassed the wife, hit the kid, and had a domestic violence rap sheet that was long. This guy liked to hit women and children.

As you lay on your stomach on the rafter, you felt a slight movement.

“I guess you like your job?” Dick said. You slowly turned. Your taser was in your hand. “But you didn’t learn your lesson.”

“Are you going to arrest me again,” you said feeling frozen. His jaw clenched again before he shook his head no.

“I should. Why do you do it? Money?” Dick said walking closer. You scrambled to your feet. Your taser was held tight in hand and you slowly backed away with every step he made towards you.

“It’s complicated,” you answered.

“Uncomplicate it. I’d like to know why the woman who slept in my fucking bed was working for my enemy.” He was white hot with rage. Dick sometimes had anger issues he took out on the bad guys he took down. He’d never done anything like that to you. But you weren’t his sweet girlfriend anymore. And his face was terrifying.

“I-“ you wavered on your resolve to the mission. Maybe he could help you.

“You what?” Dick asked and you felt cold metal of the end of the rafters against your ass. Your breathing was erratic.

“I’m-“ you started before pulling out your comms and smashing it in the ground. Dick’s eyebrows rose. “GCPD is blackmailing me. If I don’t get info on Deathstroke, they’ll release my files. He’ll kill me,” you said hanging your head in shame.

Dick froze. Despite his rage, he still loved you. He searched your face for a sign of lying but found none. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you. Got you out. Goddamn it! I have so many connections. You didn’t trust me?” He finished with a realization. Dick looked over at you with a sad frown.

“I know your work is your life. I just... I just didn’t know. Dick, I fucked up,” you said miserably walking towards him. The distance felt so far away. He started backing away this time. “I love you.”

“Don’t,” Dick said and you stopped. Enough people had stolen his consent. You weren’t going to. “I can help you. But this,” he motioned between you both. “I don’t know.”

“Dick,” you whispered, half a second from crying. He shook his head and another step back. A week ago he looked at you so in love and now? He had a stony pained look. It broke your heart. You broke his heart.

——————————

One week ago

Dick lazily drew circles on your back as you laid on him. You both were nude, the air hot with your earlier activities despite being in the middle of a snow storm. You held his other hand in yours and you traced along scars and callouses. His palms had matching ones from swinging on a bar. He’d had those his whole life. The thumb had a ridge from training and using escrima sticks. An old divoted scar on the meat of his palm was from when he was a kid in the circus and tried to swing on an old swing set without checking it first. 7 stitches and weeks out of duty.

There was a healing cut along the backside of his hand that intersected multiple silvery healed scars. You touched along those, careful to avoid anything fresh. Dick looked down at you as you gently caressed his scars.

“What are you looking at, baby,” he said. His voice was rough with sleep. You were putting him to sleep.

“How much you’ve been through,” you said simply. He turned his head to look at your face better. “So rough but so kind.”

Dick smiled at that one and moved his hand to hold your cheek. He ran his thumb along your cheek and you leaned into his touch. “You’re thinking pretty deep, sweetheart. Penny for your thoughts?”

“I just love you,” you said, gazing into his eyes. Dick’s smile grew and he gave you a soft kiss.

“I love you too.”

It was soft, simple, kind. And to remind you that you were far from free, your phone rang. Only one person dared to call you at that hour. You climbed out of bed to answer it.

“Hello?”

“North Shore Docks. 2 hours,” came the rough voice before hanging up. You gulped before putting your phone down.

“What was that?” Dick asked.

“Wrong number. It’s nothing,” you said climbing back in bed. If you could get him to fall asleep, you could leave on time. He nodded before pulling you close. His heartbeat was slow and steady. He wasn’t nervous.

It was only 20 minutes later that he got a call. He hung up after a few minutes and turned to you with an apologetic look.

“Batman calls. I answer. I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you, okay?” He said. You felt guilt that you were relieved. You wouldn’t have to sneak out.

“What’s going on?”

“Down at the docks is supposed to be a meet up. Deathstroke. I’ve got to go. See if I can stop him. He’s got some new people working for him and maybe I can get some info from them,” Dick said climbing out of bed to pull on his suit. You nodded.

“Be safe. Stay warm,” you told him, knowing you were tipping Deathstroke off about the meeting so hopefully he’d call it off. He didn’t know you were dating Dick, neither did GCPD, but you could have gotten a tip from anywhere.

You stood in front of Dick without bothering to dress. He pulled your body flush against his and kissed you deeply. “I’m sorry, baby. Hopefully I’ll be back soon.”

You nodded and he flipped out of the top window of the loft. You waited 10 minutes before calling Deathstroke back.

“Batman has a tip off about the meeting. He’s coming and bringing friends,” you said. Deathstroke was silent on the phone.

“Meeting is next week. Same location. No batboys.” He hung up.

You peeled back a floorboard in your bedroom floor and pulled out a burner phone. You put the SIMs card in and turned it on. GCPD wanted a report and now was a good time. You called the only number on the phone.

“What?”

“The meeting is cancelled.”

“Why?”

“Deathstroke got spooked. That’s all I know,” you lied. Maybe you were getting too good at lying. He cursed.

“Anything else?”

“No. Not yet. I’ll call you,” you said.

“You fucking better,” he growled. You hung up and turned off the phone, taking out the SIM card and putting it back under the floorboard.

Dick came back 2 hours later. His nose was bright red and he shivered all over. You ran him a shower to warm up and he still cuddled close to you afterwards.

“Nothing. Dead lead,” he said. “Nothing but a fucking snow storm. Could have stayed in bed with my baby.” He pulled you tight to his body in a hug. Your heart clenched in guilt. You were a terrible girlfriend. The barely visible scar on his chest was glaring at you. At least Dick didn’t fight Deathstroke. “Thank god you aren’t in that life.”

You kissed his lips softly. Guilt. So fucking much. He pulled you on top of him and you had sex. You poured all of your love into it. You wanted him to feel loved because he deserved it, even if you didn’t. You kissed his scars and bruises. You fell asleep entangled with him until late morning as the snow fell all night.

———————————

A week and a 3 days later

Back at the warehouse

Dick didn’t offer any comfort. You had hurt him so badly. But he kept his word. He pretended to knock you out and arrest you. Batman and Deathstroke were fighting down below but both saw him carrying your unconscious cuffed body. Dick carried you to his bike where he placed you on and drove off. He didn’t take you back to your shared apartment. He had changed the locks already and you weren’t welcome there.

He took you to a safe house. Basic and non-descript. He didn’t uncuff you but sat you on a kitchen chair.

“Dick can you,” you asked pulling your arms cuffed behind your back.

“Not right now. Explain and I might,” he said pulling off your mask. He took off his own mask and sat both on the table.

“Dick,” you said softly but he ignored you to sit in a chair. Dick just glared at you. “I had no choice.”

“Besides me. Your boyfriend,” he reminded you.

“I didn’t know how you would react. They threatened me. They threatened you. I was scared. I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know I did. I got in too deep,” you said hanging your head. Dick clenched his fists.

“GCPD threatened you?”

“They said they’d leak the press my secrets. It would be enough for Deathstroke to kill me. They’re right. He would. Kill you too if he thought I shared with you. He doesn’t know who you are. I never told him anything about you,” you said earnestly.

“So not full betrayal,” he said coldly with a dry smile.

“Dick,” you breathed.

“No. Don’t. You don’t get to act like that with me. You know,” he said roughly pulling his suit down his chest before running his finger along a silver mark. Your Mark. “You cut me and left a scar. I guess that’s why you always kiss my scars, hu? Because you helped to make them. I thought about marrying you. And you cut me.”

“Dick... I’m so so sorry. I didn’t want to. I hated it. But if I didn’t...” you said crying at this point. Your hands were starting to tingle from the cuffs.

“Deathstroke would know you weren’t loyal. Guess I’m lucky you didn’t cut my throat,” Dick said. You gasped and sobbed.

“I would never. I love you so much. I promise, it wasn’t what I wanted. Please understand,” you said wetly. He looked away clenching his jaw before sighing deeply.

“We’ll pay off Deathstroke and GCPD will loose all of your info. But I want you the hell out Gotham. I don’t want to see you ever again,” Dick said and you felt your world crumble.

“No,” you whimpered. “Please.”

“Do it or I won’t help you.”

You were shaking and sobbing uncontrollably at this point. Dick could barely look at you. You tried to control yourself before nodding. If you had known. If you had known that single kiss was your last. You would have changed everything.

“Dick. I love you so fucking much,” you pleaded and it was too much. He left the room. It was a full ten minutes before he came back. His face was stony but his nose and eyes were red. He didn’t look you in the eyes.

“Deathstroke won’t bother you. Bruce paid him. And it’s like you never existed in Gotham. Babs made sure of that,” Dick said and you winced. He had gone to his ex to help you. God, what had he told her?

“Thank you,” you said. Your voice was raw from crying and your hands were numb. You tried to move them around. Dick grabbed his keys and de-cuffed you. You moved your fingers and grimaced at the blood returning tingle.

“Stay here tonight and leave tomorrow. I’ll pack up your stuff. I know someone in metropolis that can get you a job and temporary place,” he said all business. You wanted to run into his arms, kiss his face, tell him that you love him. But that wasn’t an option any more.

“You’re a good guy. Helping me. I don’t deserve it but you’ve been nothing but good to me. I hope I can make it up to you someday,” you said quietly. He closed his eyes for a second before nodding. Dick had his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, protecting himself.

“I’ve got to go. I can’t stay here,” he said after a minute. He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as you. A week ago, the look on your face would have had him doing anything to make it go away. Today he caused it. He couldn’t handle it.

“I’m sorry. Be careful in the weather,” you said unsure what to say. It was too late. Far too late.

————————————

The morning before Dick caught you

Your apartment

“Morning, baby,” you said, running a finger along the bridge of Dick’s nose. He mumbled and moved a little before opening his eyes with a smile. He caught your hand before you could touch his face again.

“What are you doing there, sweetheart,” he said and you giggled a little.

“Bothering my man. He’s too pretty to let sleep,” you said pulling him closer.

“Hmm, haven’t you heard of beauty sleep? We were up half the night and you want to wake me up. What if I’m tired,” Dick said. There was a glimmer in his eyes.

“I wore out Nightwing? That’s something to be quite proud of,” you said grinning. He chuckled.

“Well it isn’t every night that we do all that. Something got into you and I’m not complaining,” he said kissing your cheek.

“I think it was you. Four times,” you said with a smirk. He definitely chuckled at that. Dick looked over at the clock.

“Shit. I’m late. I guess it’s good you woke me. I should have been at work an hour ago. I’ll have to blame the storm,” he said trying to get up. You wrapped your legs around his waist.

“What if I won’t let you go?”

“I’d probably be fired and be a little sad,” Dick said playfully. He held your jaw and gave you a lingering kiss. “So I have to go. But I’ll make it up to you tonight.”

“Counting on it,” you said finally releasing him. He threw on his uniform and left. You stretched in bed, ready to lounge the day away when your phone rang. It could have been anyone but your heart clenched. You know who it was.

“North Shore Docks. Tonight. 2300. Be early,” Deathstroke said.

“I can’t,” you said. It was way too early. That was only 11 o’clock. Dick would definitely miss your presence.

“.... if you aren’t up to task then you can be replaced. Do you want to be replaced?” He asked. You had a nasty feeling replaced meant murdered.

“No.... I- I can make it,” you said.

“Good,” he said hanging up.

You wracked your brain with what to say. What to do. You couldn’t just leave at 10:30 at night. Dick would flip out. You had to lie to him again. A friend was in town.

“Hey Dickie,” you said giving him a call at work. He was always half distracted when you called him there.

“Hi sweetheart,” he answered and you heard a keyboard clacking.

“A friend came into town so I offered to take her out,” you said.

“It’s supposed to snow pretty bad. Just invite her over,” Dick said. Shit, that was a good point.

“She’s staying at the Grand Mariners Hotel. We’re just hitting the hotel bar and then her room,” you said. It was a nice hotel in the Diamond District that was plenty safe. “I’ll stay over with her if it’s bad enough.”

“Okay. Be safe. Call me if you need anything. Love you,” Dick said.

“Love you too,” you answered. You didn’t know it was the last thing you’d say before he found your betrayal. The last lie too.

2 years later

Metropolis

You thought about Dick Grayson all the time. You hadn’t come back to Gotham since. But you tried to move on. Even tried dating that failed horribly. Who could compare to Nightwing?

You walked downtown. You worked for the paper as an assistant. You got coffee and changed the printer paper. You’d made friends with the other office assistant who was a local of Metropolis.

Besides the fact you lost the love of your life, Metropolis was nice. Crime was much lower, it snowed and rained way less, and your apartment building had a pretty nice coffee shop across the street. Deathstroke and the Joker didn’t make news. No more Batman and Robin. People weren’t instantly distrustful. There were billboards with pictures of Superman saying things like “safest city in America” and “rated best family friendly city 3rd year in a row.” You had to change your attitude and walking habits because you were too scary for the friendly city. It was the Gotham way.

Today you were in a hurry. Your skirt whipped in the wind and a piece of hair stuck to your lip gloss. Your heels made obvious clacking sounds as you overtook others on the sidewalk. You got a lot of looks. Who runs like that? Especially with coffee in their hands?

You practically jumped out of the way as a dog got in your way. This pushed you right into a man walking the opposite way. Your coffee, thank god it was iced, smashed directly into the crisp white dress shirt on his firm chest.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” you gasped. You tried to swipe off the icy pieces that clung to his shirt.

“It’s okay,” he said grabbing your wrist. You looked up and almost dropped your bag. It was Dick. He looked good. A little taller maybe, his hair a little longer. You gulped.

“Dick,” you said softly. You didn’t dare say anything else. He stared at you back. “What are you- what brings you to Metropolis?”

“I’ve got a job for Bruce. You look good. I didn’t expect you to stay here,” he said rambling. You didn’t know where to look. At his chest covered in coffee with a now see through shirt that clung to every defined muscle. Or his face that you weren’t sure even wanted to see you.

“Well, I liked the job,” you almost whispered. Your voice betrayed your fear. Dick smiled a little.

“Good. That’s good. We should talk,” he said and your eyebrows rose.

“We should?”

“Yeah. Can I buy you a drink later? Tonight?” Dick asked. You could only nod yes. You were terrified. Clearly you were still in love with him.

—————

You fretted with the hem of your skirt on the cab ride to meet him at his hotel bar. Wayne Enterprise owned half share of it. The last time you saw Dick he told you that he never wanted to see you again. He sat at a table in the corner with a great view of every door. You smiled shyly as you walked over.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” he said motioning to the open chair. You sat down and fiddled with your bag before looking up. You were stalling.

“How is Gotham,” you asked, regretting it instantly. It’s a shit hole.

“Bad. But not out of the ordinary. I thought about calling you. A lot,” Dick admitted. He gulped before continuing. “I overreacted. I shouldn’t have banished you. Hell, I shouldn’t have been allowed to. You were- you thought you were protecting me in your own weird fucked up way.”

“I was wrong. You were mad and you should have been....And Metropolis is nice. Low on assassins and freaks,” you said and he nodded in agreement. “I missed you though,” you blurted out. You probably shouldn’t have said that. Dick’s eyes softened and he looked at you.

“I missed you too. A lot. I- I wanted to see you. But I didn’t know how to talk to you and the Titans got busy,” he said.

“I heard. You guys did some good work,” you said, admitting you followed Nightwing’s career at the least. The truth was that you stalked his admittedly quiet Instagram and any Nightwing news despite yourself. You had to search it out. Metropolis had Superman and didn’t care much for the Titans doing work in another state.

“Thanks. Yeah. I- can I take you out? On a date?” He asked suddenly.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, why- what? Why are you smiling?” Dick asked feeling lost.

“Dick, we’re at a restaurant right now,” you teased. Your heart felt a little warm despite the fact that you should definitely be cautious.

“Right. I mean, a proper date. Or whatever,” he said. It was weird to see Dick look nervous.

“Of course. Always. But I’ve got to ask why,” you said and he grinned before registering your question. “I betrayed you, Dick.”

His smile fell a little. “I know. I know. But I’ve made some mistakes too. Let myself fall into the grey between black and white. I’d tell you about it some other time but I’ve come to learn that it’s not easy. Not always good and bad. And if I can’t get you out of my head 2 years later.... it must mean something, right?” He sounded a little desperate. Like he was holding on to this idea of love.

“I’d like to think so,” you answered quietly. He offered a shy smile.

“How about we start over? Can I hold your hand?” He asked and you nodded. His fingers slowly slid over to yours he softly gripped your hand and you both smiled.

You were both a little scared. Could this work? Things were not the same. But there could be 2 little broken birds holding hands full of hope. Maybe it could. Maybe it could work.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi! Just wanted to know what you think Charles' route will be alll about, and how would the Ikevamp lore continue from there? Do you think we'll get an Act 3 or more suitors? I absolutely love reading your interesting insights and hearty theories! They're food for my simping soul ♡(> ਊ <)♡ please forgive my fangirling..

Hihi!!! You’re much too sweet, thank you!!! 💛💛💛 you’re always free to simp and fangirl here, haha~

I'm happy to answer as best I can, though honestly I'm not 100% sure given the main story routes all range--both in terms of topic and larger narrative impact. My guess is that it will likely be about Charles' history as somebody who took part in the French revolution, namely his role as an executioner. In line with that, I would address two lines; one from Mozart, one from Dazai.

Mozart in relation to Charles says "I remember that name..." and Dazai says that "He is a young man with many secrets." I think they both speak to a larger consideration with Charles, which is that he is both a famous historical figure but also one that trails so much blood behind him? This is a man who killed people for a living (and in droves), despite being a medical doctor. There is going to be an inevitable mental dissonance that comes with that dichotomy. His life aspiration was to help and heal people, and instead he was called to murder them indiscriminately (and often for reasons that were openly unjust). Much of his energy and disposition feels like a kind of mask; it's intended to disguise what's truly lurking beneath the surface. When people are convinced they're unsightly or monstrous, they can very often overcompensate with buoyant behavior and positivity. Dazai’s main story really felt like it was hammering this concept home, considering Charles’ insistent cheer directed at MC (yet showing Dazai and Faust a great deal of darkness.)

Interesting too, now that I think about it, because there is a kind of foil mechanism that comes with making Charles the antagonist of Dazai’s route. I didn’t realize it until now, but they both hide their secrets--and the true nature of some of their uglier feelings--with a kind of forcible levity. The difference here lies in the state of their baseline energy, the form by which it is expressed. Dazai is one to joke around and make light of (often serious) things, but he does it to a point of absurdity and mild outrage. He has a kind of desire to be chased out the way I understand him (because being chased out means he can leave and avoid the pressure of being real). If he’s not seeking to be chased out, he wants the person to smile/laugh at his blunders. He’s a mood-maker just as his description entails, and as such his goal is always the regulate/influence the emotional tone of a group in a positive way.

Charles, by contrast, avoids transparency by bouncing around and pretending like nothing really gets to him. He’s forthright and bold, but his desire to have fun belies the reality of who he is and who his master is. The impatience, the burning envy that dwells within remains to be seen--and only makes an appearance in flashes. It begs the question as to what it is he’s trying to avoid moving at that speed, as his increasing velocity means a lowered scrutiny and self-awareness (one that limits him just as much as it enables him to keep going). Furthermore, he has some notion of regulating the mood of the group in that he’s often the one who lowers tension between Vlad and Faust with his upbeat attitude. However, I would argue that it isn’t nearly as powerful as Dazai’s fixation with it; when Charles is upset or wants something, he will not hesitate to put his personal needs first (or demand them, even). Dazai does not seem to have this same audacity generally.

There's also the question of what Charles is hiding, other than the obvious historical information we have. I get the feeling something is lurking behind his desperation to believe in the future Vlad wants to create. Maybe it's some desperate wish to atone for what he's done. Maybe he raised that guillotine under some kind of misguided belief that he was restoring the world to order. We believe outlandish things to survive sometimes, and I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case for Charles. I’d like to see just what it is that makes him tick.

That being said, that doesn't always free us from the truth of what we've done. Sooner or later we're forced to confront and come to terms with it. Dazai's main story (for a short time) forced him to face that gaping maw of trauma, and it was very clear he was not in the slightest bit prepared or able to cope. So there is the question of--if MC confronts him with that--what he will do in response.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he's among the bolder suitors, seeking her affection and body with more insistence than the boys of the mansion. It remains to be seen, but given the impression I've received from him and the rest of the trio...(a note of caution to people uncomfy with that).

I'm interested to see where Charles will go, in that I'm not really sure if he'll skew to the yandere side or the lowkey wants to help people side. He has every potential to become increasingly demanding of MC’s time and attention, trying to monopolize her as much as possible. Burying himself further in denial, never questioning his master. But he also has a kind of hearty maturity at his core that might result from his life experiences, where he acknowledges what he's done and just tries to do the best he can moving forward.

If the latter happens, there is the very real question of what happens with his relationship with Vlad--which is part of the reason I have my doubts about this possibility. In the infamous (and paraphrased) words of Mulaney(? I think it was) "if this is gonna happen Vlad is gonna need to become suddenly cool with a lot of things very fast" LMAO. I don't really see Vlad ceding his control over Charles' mind easily, and I don't see him satisfied with a future of Charles' autonomy. But then, who knows? I may very well be proven wrong

I'm also curious about Charles’ pronounced interest in Comte, this kind of hope for reconciliation. There's a very real chance that could be a focal point, in that Charles wants there to be mingling between the two houses. There are also a lot of problems with this sort of theory in that it would likely require A LOT of development/time to bridge that gap if it was ever bridged, and I don't think Comte would accept anything less than Vlad agreeing to cease and desist his assault on humanity. This potentiality might be more probable for an Act 3 story progression, now that I think about it.

As for Act 3, I'm really not sure who will or won't get one. The only storyline that has been left openly/grossly unfinished is Comte's to my knowledge, largely because of the agreement they made? In all the other routes, there isn't much of a whisper about her turning into a vampire. (Vlad turns her at the end of his route I’ve heard, and as for Faust I don’t know--but I haven’t seen any signs that he would demand it of her so far.) Comte hesitates--but he has every intention of doing it when they feel the time is right. So there's the question of when or how that will happen. In a bday story? In an event story? Act 3? Dunno

I also wonder about how pureblood society and vampire hunters might come into play, but given they exist on the periphery of the game I don’t know if it’s as safe a bet as Comte vs. Vlad continuing their ideological battle.

As for the suitors in general, there is always the potential of antagonist intervention in Act 3? Maybe they heckle their happy ending or throw the relationship into some kind of turmoil, though I'm not sure exactly how that will work since most of the routes end on a pretty resolved note? There's also the reality of all the rivals being murdered in cold blood after their duels. So like ???? Really depends on the direction Cybird wants to take. Expand on the relationship, create new issues/threats--or make Act 3 a more large scale story progression.

There’s also the possibility that the story is expanded by hinging on the timespace complications. If Vlad saw a desolate future, what does that mean for everyone? Will that come to pass--and if so, when? Will he be supported or stopped? What will that entail? Maybe Vlad sees that the desolate future was the product of his own megalomania. Maybe Vlad turns out to be right and drastic action needs to be taken before it gets that far. Whatever the case, I’m interested to see what narrative avenue Cybird will choose.

As for more suitors, I really have no idea given I haven’t seen so much as a whisper of what comes after Charles. I think my best bet would be potential pureblood suitors (maybe the product of Comte/Vlad story continuations), or more roulette famous figures in line with Vlad’s machinations to thwart the suitors. If Michelangelo comes back and throws hands with Leonardo, I will veritably lose my entire mind

[justanothertiredlesbian]

Define gender I tried to comment on an anti-trans video, transphobes got out of hand. This is the comment thread. I’ll update it when more of them rage at me. For some reason Peak Trans pinned my comment. If I’m mentioned it’s as @maddie, a friend of mine joined the debate, he’s @friend1. At this point it would make more sense to read the YouTube video thread, it’s now at 31 replies: Video here

my comment This whole video is a bit laughable. I only watched it because I have to balance an essay I'm writing about this, but I didn't actually find any logical arguments I could use. Have you thought that MAYBE, the reason Jammidodger has a larger following is because he has studied this in depth, and is actually a kind and an accepting human. Okay, so you mention that how would a person know what their gender identity was if it didn't match what they were assigned at birth? Well, how do you know your sexual orientation? It's a similar concept. Sexual orientation isn't determined physically or by stereotypes, gender identity isn't either. And bringing up some examples of the online abuse that JK Rowling has gone through? Trans people go through this and worse on a daily basis. Also, boiling down being a woman to gametes? This IS offensive to intersex people. But it is also offensive to Cis women, it's acting as if their lives as women are summed up by their sex cells. In addition, you mention Misgendering, and yes, JK Rowling didn't misgender the only specific transgender person she mentioned, but it is misgendering to refer to Transwomen in general, as "men who think they are women". And before any Transphobes accuse me of being an angry transgender person whom is overreacting and attacking people on the internet, I'm a CIS lesbian who supports trans rights, and trying to logically present an argument to people who don't seem to understand some pretty basic concepts. It is okay if people don't understand something that they haven't personally experienced, but defending that belief on the ground that they don't understand the basic concepts/experiences in a way that claims a group neither exists or deserves rights?  That is discrimination.   (Also the camera quality and audio are as awful/flawed as your logic.)

Transphobe 1 As most commenters here agree, this video is brilliant and you wouldn't recognize logic if it smacked you in the teeth. Name one thing in it that you can refute with logic - you can't. All you can do is throw out insults and wave your ignorance like a flag. You're too closed-minded to recognise intelligent arguments based on evidence. Your ignorance about intersex people is embarrassing. I suggest you watch Maria's video on that very subject and engage with the intersex people who have thanked her beneath it. Have you thought that MAYBE the reason Jammidodger has a larger following is because he's been making videos for ten years and this woman only started last year? Number of subscribers isn't a sign of quality - unless you think that Fox News and the Sun are epitome of intellectual integrity. Judging by your dumb comment, you probably do. my reply Um, did you read my comment? Because I refuted several points she made. I have 2 intersex people in my family, and they disagree with her points strongly, and I'm not exactly ignorant of the issues they face. You mention her videos, however how many other sources and media regarding these topics do you actually watch, and how much of it do you research yourself? Maybe Jammidodger has a higher following because he accepts people who desperately need acceptance and a community to feel safe in. Why would I think Fox News is the epitome of integrity? Everyone knows how insanely bigoted they are. Also it what way does me commenting to promote acceptance for a community that need acceptance and people to educate themselves on the issues in an impartial manner, mean I'm bigoted? Transphobe 1 reply 2 Stop lying. You haven't 'refuted' anything. You don't even know what the word 'refute' means and you are fooling nobody. Do you know what an argument is? It involved premises and a conclusion e.g. P1: Man is the word for an adult human male. P2: Jammidodger is an adult human female C: Therefore Jammidodger is not a man. Refute that.

transphobe 2 Hey, maddie, you realise you haven't presented a single counter-argument, right? Btw, kind and accepting humans don't make nasty videos lying about people. Jamie is a very disturbed and hateful individual. Maybe one day you'll be on the receiving end of the kind of hate Jamie doles out to people who disagree with her and you'll understand but now you honestly sound too young and arrogant to know what you're talking about.

Biologists define sex by gametes, intersex people are male or female and "gender identity" is hogwash. Your question about how you know your sexual orientation is unbelievably stupid. Finally, how are you defining 'woman'? my reply Why is there an assumption that being  accepting to the trans community and researching it means I would be young? Is this assumption because all of you are in your fifties and sixties? Is this bigotry because you were all raised in a less accepting era, so therefore have to overcompensate for your lack of understanding in social issues, and what different people go through.  Are you calling this lady "kind"? Because all the words you use to describe Jamie (Who is MALE - *him) personally describe this woman. It is strange of you to assume I don't receive hate in real life, however there is a support structure for LGBTQ+ people to fall back on. Is your resentment because you envy this support structure? Also, people DO know their sexual identity in a similar way how they know your gender identity, do I know I'm a lesbian because it's written in bold on my forehead? No, I know as an instinct, as a sense of identity in who I am. A woman is whoever identifies as female. Transphobe 2 reply 2 The assumption that you are young is based on the fact that you sound young: you said the video is "laughable" but didn't say why, you said you were writing an essay but "didn't find any logical arguments" in it, you ask "how would you know your sexual orientation" - which is possibly the dumbest question ever. These are not the comments of a mature person who has been around the block. Wake me up when you are able to put a coherent argument together. In the meantime, I'm sure you have some homework to do. my reply My argument about sexual orientation was to make my point as simple as possible. People point out that it's a stupid question, but then ask how people know their gender identity. If it's a stupid question, answer it in a way that can't be used to explain that people know their gender identity, go on. How do you know your sexual orientation? I've asked transphobic people before and all of their answers can be used to explain gender identity too. Therefore, a simplistic question, it may be, but it gets my point across. You use the phrase "around the block", which originally meant prostitution and sexual experience, are you implying that someone has to either have notable sexual experience or be a prostitute to be considered, in your eyes at least, mature? I feel that my arguments have been considerably more coherent and concise than yours. For some unusual reason you feel the need to attack age and use insults, mentioning how "dumb" my points are, but not saying anything to counteract them beyond your opinion of them. Reply when you can string a sentence together without an insult or stereotype? Have a nice night!

Transphobe 2 reply 3  You've been insulting to this youtuber from the outset, so don't get sanctimonious with me, child. You're not getting the point that so-called 'gender identity' is complete bollocks. I know my sexual orientation because I know the sex of people I am sexually attracted to. What is "gender" anyway? If you've watched the video you're dissing you should be prepared for the question and be able to define it but you can't define "woman" so I won't hold my breath. The expression "been around the block" has nothing to do with prostitution or sexual experience - don't you even have the werewithal to use an internet search engine? You don't even know what an argument is - if you think you've made any coherent ones, you are even more deluded than I first thought.

My Reply  First of all, if you think  what I started out doing was insulting then you have not spoken to a real human in a long time. Do not call me a child, you may be bored in retirement so seek out logical arguments to combat (or insult because I haven't been receiving  many logical arguments), but if accepting people and not being a bigot is childish, then I would happily be a child. As it stands I am an adult. Again, Woman is the female identifying gender of the human race. Yes "been around the block" is a turn of phrase but if you research how the phrase became commonly used you would realize you are wrong. I could provide a link if it's past the retirement homes bedtime ;).

Transphobe 2 reply 4  I'll call you a child as long as you behave like one. For pity's sake learn the meaning of the word 'logic'. It doesn't mean "unsupported statements I like the sound of". You have been calling other people bigots since you arrived on this page but bigotry means intolerance and that is what you are all about. That is why you came here to troll and sneer and name-call. "Woman is the female identifying gender", For crying out loud - are you serious? Can you really not see that you are digging yourself deeper and deeper? Now your task is to define female and define gender. Good luck with that.

creator: Peak Trans " It is okay if people don't understand something that they haven't personally experienced,". I guess that's why you don't understand what being a woman means. Are you still in high school? my reply I understand what being a woman means, I just think it shows a socially regressive mindset that you see the social identities of women boiled down to their sex cells. It insults all women, in every sense, even those you refuse to be inclusive of. And what makes  you think that having a different, more accepting mindset means I would be a child? Peak Trans reply 2 I haven't said anything about social identities. However they "identify", all women are defined are adult human females. It is because women and girls are female that they have been oppressed across cultures and throughout history - not because of how they "identify". That is what is important here - not not some subjective feeling of "who you really are". If you disagree, then feel free to provide your own definition of woman that is coherent, meaningful and non-circular. I guarantee you won't be able to. My reply Transwomen don't claim to have been repressed the same way cis women have, (this is another reason the adjectives exist, to distinguish the different experiences). However, Trans people are oppressed as well, like gay people throughout history. Ciswomen are oppressed too, no one is denying that fact, but acknowledging that trans people are oppressed in different ways will not take away from ciswomen's rights. There are different forms of oppression. A lot of Trans Exclusionary people do not acknowledge that gender identity, in the way people instinctively know it, is very similar to sexual orientation. My friend knows he's trans the way I know I'm a lesbian, it's instinctive. Peak Trans reply 3 You were asked to define 'woman'. Your inability to do so is noted without surprise. You know nothing. Stop wasting my time.

my reply  @peak trans I did define woman. In 1 of my replies, I said "A woman is whoever identifies as female." And that is a definition. Please read a comment thread before replying to it. I feel your inability to accept changes and progress in society far outweighs any inability of mine. Listening to logic is never a waste of time, well not as much of a waste as the time taken to make this video.  ;)

Peak Trans Reply 4 I did read it. That is exactly why I said you are unable to define 'woman'. You were not asked who is a woman, you were asked to define 'woman'. Do you know what 'define' means? It means explain the meaning of a word. The globally accepted definition of the word 'woman' is adult human female. See how that explains exactly what the word woman means? If you disagree with that definition, then by all means provide your own. To put it simply, the question is not who is a woman but what is a woman. Got it now? My Reply  Your definition: Adult human female works for all women including transwomen, the definition didn’t specify adult human Biologically female, just adult, human and female. And you mentioned that you didn't mention social identities, but gender identity is a social identity.

Friend 1 @Peak trans  Biological Sex - what you were born as and what the doctor originally put on your birth certificate Physical Sex - what your body currently is (for most people the same as biological) Gender Identity - what you identify as/want to be physically All three of these can be completely different. I cannot see what is so hard about these definitions and why some people struggle so much with them. Identity should be what people see as the person's actual gender but I can completely understand believing that Physical is the real one and I believe Physical should be the most important with things like toilets and competitions. Biological really shouldn't matter at all.

Peak Trans @Friend1  Define gender.

You haven't given a good or a bad or an indifferent definition of it. All you've said is that it is "what you identify as/want to be physically". That doesn't tell us what it is. If I identify as a  vegetarian, does that make 'vegetarianism' my gender? If I wish I were Japanese, does that make Japanese my gender? Of course not. Try again

Friend 1 reply  I did define 'woman', with all three definitions. Or at least better then you did, as yours doesn't even back up your point. Your definition, being "adult human female", doesn't at all exclude trans women, as they are still human, definitely female and usually an adult. I found this pretty funny to be honest, as throughout this video, you felt the need to pause Jamie an annoying amount to ask him to define woman, whilst at the same time providing your own definition that supports his point. You are correct with this, your definition does perfectly summarise what a woman is, I guess I did summarise Gender instead. With Gender Identity, the whole reason for it needing to exist is because it doesn't always correlate to the biological gender of the person. Also, I don't understand your argument of identifying as vegetarian or Japanese changing your gender identity, those two things do change your identity, but it is unrelated to gender. Gender Identity is the GENDER you IDENTIFY as, not your diet or ethnicity, Gender Identity is just for your GENDER, nothing else. Also @Blue Steel, I am finding it hard to believe that your aren't the troll here. I know for a fact me and @maddie are both serious about this and we both provide good points while trying to remain mostly passive. However, you here spend most of your comments insulting us, and when you do actually argue, it is a glorified "no u", which is so pathetic I don't even count it. I have defined Gender for you, and Peak Trans' definition of Woman is correct, but it doesn't support your point.

Peak Trans You still haven't defined 'gender' and you haven't defined 'woman' once, never mind three times. You evidently don't know the meaning of the word 'female' either. Those people you refer to as "trans women" are male. If they were female, there would be no need to call them 'trans'. Oh, and point to a single insult I have levelled at either of you. Here's a suggestion: watch my series about transgender ideology which unpacks all the awful arguments you make and then some. Start with the first one entitled: what is a woman. Then come back to me with your counter-arguments. Until you've done so, I really can't be arsed with you.

Friend 1, who is increasingly exasperated:  I have defined gender 3 times but will do it again for you, Biological is whether you had a penis or vagina at birth, Physical is the one you currently have and identity is what you identify as. I have agreed with your definition of woman, and pointed out how it supports my point. Trans women are women, and you are right, there is no need to add the trans just like there is no need to add the cis to you, women are women. Trans and Cis just describe the women just like how transphobic and bigoted describe you, but there is no need to use them to describe the person every time. @Phil Hell, maddie has quoted and broken down not just multiple parts of the video in her original comment, but even talks about parts of JK Rowling's original essay, so not only has she done the research needed to comment on the video, but she has done much more as well. @kellysuther, if I was to get the surgery to become female, I would then produce the female gametes instead of male ones, so I don't really understand what your argument is. Unless you are saying that gender cannot be changed, to which I would ask how some "males" manage to become indistinguishable from females in every way.

Friend 2: @peaktrans  @Gee Gog and @maddie have both defined gender multiple times, if you actually read the arguments against your points you would see. ‘Biological sex’ is defined by your gametes and sexual organ, this is the sex you are born with. Physical sex is your current sex/gender, e.g., a biological woman can get gender reassignment surgery to become physically male. Biological and Physical sex aren’t always the same thing, they can be i.e., cisgender. Gender identity is what a gender/genders/lack of genders a person identifies as at a certain time or all the time. A woman can be an adult biological male who identifies as female. If you are going to make a video on this topic you should have done this research, its laughable how this attitude is still widely accepted as ‘ok’. There are ‘different kinds of woman’ cis gender is one of those. Cis woman isn’t used to ‘reinforce the idea there are different kinds of woman’ it just refers to a biological woman who identifies as female. Woman is not your word, yes it refers to adult female, however you don’t have to be biologically female to be a woman. Cis is used the same way as how transgender is shortened down to trans. You say you don’t want the cis at the start of woman however it is necessary as it falls under the umbrella term woman. Being a cis woman is till being a woman. Trans woman are may be biologically male but they still are woman. If you need woman or gender to be defined again it is proof you are not reading arguments against your transphobic view.

[recurring-polynya]

What’s your opinion on pre-canon Renruki?

I think that they already had a romantic or almost romantic relationship back in the Academy, maybe even back in Rukongai, and the reason it wasn’t explicit is because firstly it would have spoiled the endgame couples, and secondly it’s a shonen, so it’s implied.

I think they fooled around when they were orphans in Inuzuri. They grew up together, they were always together in their “teenage” years (however adolescence works for souls😅), I think it’s not impossible that they had their first experience, if just their first kiss and make out session, with each other. When they joined the Academy, they spent less time together due to their different courses, and I think Rukia’s sad expression when Renji leaves for the mission in the real world depicts that (along with worry for him, and maybe even jealousy for his achievements compared to hers). By then I think they were quite intimate, they fooled around sometimes (with the little time they had) and knew the other’s and their own feelings, but never said anything like “I love you”, or talked seriously about the depth of their relationship. If they were “just friends”, as some antis like to claim, they wouldn’t have been so heartbroken, have so many regrets and felt so guilty during their separation. And why that separation in the first place? It’s not a matter of class difference, because Rukia did talk to people of inferior status, like her Squad mates. What’s actually forbidden to people from different classes is relationships. If Renruki was just a friendship, there would have been no problem, but their bond was beyond that. Rukia wanted Renji to tell her to stay with him, but his feelings of inferiority and belief that Rukia deserved better (maybe even better than him) prevented him to do it. Their separation doesn’t feel like an end to a friendship to me, it feels like a breakup. They avoided each other because it hurt so much, and they couldn’t bear to have any relationship other than a romantic one, which was impossible once she became a Kuchiki.

After the Soul Society arc, they got back together. They were physically too comfortable around each other to be just friends, like when he basically hugged her to encourage her to go back to Soul Society when Orihime is kidnapped (and maybe he was also comforting her), or when, during the fight with the Fullbringers, he casually placed her head resting on his thigh. By then they were secretly dating, in my opinion. In the last arc they were always together, it’s so easy imagining them as a couple.

What do you think? Is my interpretation far fetched? I’d like to hear your theories about their feelings, when they blossomed, when they confessed, if they had something going on during their Academy years…

Thank you if you decide to answer!🤍

Well, as you say, Bleach is a shounen, and also I don’t think Kubo was particularly interested in including romance in the story, so I don’t think there is a correct or incorrect interpretation. It’s left to the reader to imagine what they like. I don’t think “spoiling the endgame” has anything to do with anything.

I don’t think your interpretation is “too far-fetched,” although I don’t happen to agree with it. There’s very little to go on in canon, people can fill in the gaps in whatever way makes them happy/makes sense to them. I have exactly 0 interest in arguing with people on the internet about stuff like this. I enjoy reading fanfiction that has wildly different interpretations from my own, I generally love to hear a variety of ideas, although I generally prefer the format of a narrative over Tumblr posts (funny, since I do seem to write a lot of them).

Anyway, here are a bunch of opinions. This is way, way too long, so I'm gonna throw it under a cut.

That being said, you have some really amatonormative ideas in there that I do take issue with. Friendships absolutely can be as deep and important as romantic relationships. I categorically reject the idea that a romantic bond is stronger than a friendship one or that acts of physical affection necessarily imply a romantic relationship. I actually have no beef at all with people who want to read Rukia and Renji’s story as a very strong friendship. I do think it was still reasonable for Renji to avoid her during their separation, even if his goal wasn’t romance. He wanted to see her live a better life, and didn’t want to drag her down. Yeah, sure, if he just wanted to be a casual workplace friend, he probably could have joined Squad 13 and seen her once in a while. But, especially in the early days, it would have been a bad look for Rukia to continue socializing with people deeply below her station, and I feel in my heart that Byakuya would have forbidden her from seeing Renji if he found out she was hanging out with someone from her Inuzuri days, even if it was just casual. Yeah, there exist people who say Rukia and Renji are "just friends" for the sake of other preferred ships, but also, like, so what? Who cares? That’s a lot better than making Renji out to be a bad person or trashing his character. To be honest, I am generally happy to read a fanfic that had some other Renji or Rukia pairing if it actually contained some solid Renruki best friend content (I have found a few 369 fics that do this, and maybe also in the little bit of RenIchi content I have read, so, uh, good job, my gays. This is sometimes touched on in ByaRen fics, but usually not as much as I want, althought I also tend to hold these to a high bar, because if I have to deal with Byakuya in my fanfics, they should have to deal with the Rukia-Renji friendship 😂)

Anyway, you asked for my interpretation, so here it is . These are all just, like, my opinions, man:

Life in Inuzuri just really, really, really sucks, and Rukia and Renji both have a lot of trauma and emotional hang-ups from that time. I think they forged a deep emotional connection during this time that was probably a little too codependent to actually be healthy. They had no models of healthy families or relationships. I also think they were incredibly close to Fujimaru, Kosaburou, and Mameji, and that even if they wanted to have a romantic relationship, they wouldn’t have, at the risk of ruining the more important bonds of the larger group.

In my fanfic, in their last days in Inuzuri, I do have them fool around for a brief period. It coincides with the deterioration of the bond with their last surviving friend, leading to his death. I did this for trauma reasons, because that’s how writers are.

“Communication” is probably the most important theme in my writing, and a thing I bring up all the time is that young Rukia and Renji had a thousand ways of communicating survival-based things between each other, and 0 ways of communicating how they felt about each other.

I did a post on this recently, but their whole gang was incredibly powerless in Inuzuri. They lived on the fringes of society and stole scraps to survive. I think that their number one duty to one another was to survive. In the anime, Rukia swears that she will never leave Inuzuri, that she will always stay with her friends. I think the reason she does an about-face is not just because their friends are gone, but because she realizes that she will lose Renji next, and the only way to prevent that is for both of them to get stronger. Neither of them actually wants to become a soul reaper. They do it for each other.

I think that Renji would have remained in Inuzuri and tried to make a life as best they could, but Rukia knew this was futile, and where Rukia goes, Renji follows.

I think they purposely maintained distance at the Academy. Just as in Inuzuri, their primary duty to one another is to survive and thrive. They were rejected and mocked for their low origins, and hanging out together would have made this worse. I think it hurt Rukia that Renji made new friends, but on the other hand, they were exactly the sort of people who would help him get a leg up in the Gotei. Rukia’s Academy days were very painful because she saw Renji succeeding, just as she wanted, but leaving her behind in the process. Conversely, Renji got super focused on doing well, with the idea that he could pull Rukia up behind him, except for the part where he never actually told her that.

I feel like I’m in the minority here, but so much fanfic focuses on Rukia and/or Renji being “wrong” in the scene where he tells her to go to the Kuchiki, but I disagree! Everything they have done is in order to get to a better life! It is Renji’s duty to encourage her to leave him behind. He doesn’t want to be an anchor holding her down. Likewise, Rukia knows that if she doesn’t go, she’s just gonna be a burden on him. Their relationship has always been about each of them surviving separately over having happiness together. Up to now, they’ve always managed to find each other again, although this kinda looks like it might be it for them. Do these kids need to go to therapy? Yes! Did they do anything wrong? No!

I think about this a lot, but even if Rukia had turned down the adoption (which… I’m not actually sure she could have), even the offer would have ruined their relationship. Imagine that Renji asks her to stay, and she does. Maybe they even get together at this point. Every rough patch, every time there’s money troubles, this spectre of “Rukia could have been a Kuchiki” is going to hang over them. In fiction, there is often an idea of sacrifice being a one-time romantic gesture, but in my real life experience, this sort of thing hangs around like an unwanted ghost. I can, in fact, envision a scenario where this is exactly how Aizen manages to get his hooks in Renji, by offering Rukia an unseated spot in Squad 5, even though she “isn’t really good enough to deserve it” and “taking care of them.”

I am really fascinated with Rukia’s crush on Kaien/Miyako. Bold proclamation here, but I think there is something developmentally healthy about young people having crushes on the older people in their lives, provided that said older people treat them with respect and dignity and don’t take advantage of it in any way. Crushes are, by their nature of being unreciprocated, a safe way for young folks to imagine the sort of people and relationships they want to have in their lives. I headcanon Rukia as bisexual, and maybe also a little bit genderfluid, and she had these two extremely cool people in her life, whom she maybe wanted to be and maybe wanted to kiss and maybe to have a marriage like that some day. I… like to think that their role in her life healed some of her trauma before their death caused even more.

Fully into headcanons now, but I like to think that Renji had a parallel experience, with, of all people, Ikkaku and Yumichika. Like him, they came from the ass-end of Rukongai, but they stuck together instead of bowing to the social mores of the Seireitei. It is critical to note that they were able to do this through strength. This is literally not a thing that Renji and Rukia could have done, but at the same time, Renji sees this as the kind of relationship he wants to have with a partner. He doesn’t want to look after Rukia and protect her, he wants to fight back-to-back with her and then make out afterwards. He’s still convinced that he needs to go through the proper class channels to see Rukia again, but without their influence, I don’t think he ever would have been able to say “fuck it” and turn on his captain during the Soul Society Arc.

Meeting Ichigo and dealing with his unreasonable need to protect everyone he cares about, personally, was also a huge blow to Rukia and Renji’s “I cannot allow the other person to take any risks for my sake” hang-up. Ichigo has his own traumas, which are entirely different from Renruki’s, but the one thing he had was growing up in a loving family. (Isshin has his problems, but I feel strongly that he always made his kids feel like his love was unconditional). I’m not saying that making friends with a shounen protagonist is a good replacement for therapy, but it does have healing properties.

Entirely off-topic, but I feel like Ichigo is incredibly selfish in the way of Terry Pratchett’s witches: “All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!

Where were we? Oh, yeah. I honestly think that it is unknowable when in canon Rukia and Renji confessed. I already covered this pretty thoroughly in this post. I hate the idea that they were secretly dating. Renji worked incredibly hard to get his post and I think that both his job and Byakuya’s respect are very important to him. I do not think he would put either of those things at risk like that, nor would Rukia want him to. I tend to prefer a slow-burn approached, and I honestly think they got together during the 17-mo timeskip at the earliest, and more likely post-canon entirely, although I think them confessing in the Royal Realm is the spiciest possible outcome, so that’s what most of my fanfic cleaves to.