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andypantsx3 · 4 years

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war paint | 6 | blade

pairing: Bakugou Katsuki / Reader

length: 27,765 words / 10 chapters

summary: Desperate times force you to disguise yourself and join the kingsguard. When a suspicious string of crimes strike the palace, however, Captain Katsuki Bakugou starts paying extra close attention. (spin off of in cinders)

tags: mulan AU, secret identity, romance, reader-insert

warnings: aged up characters, some violence, eventual smut

The bath house might have been the strangest moment of your life, but it proved only the beginning of Bakugou’s unusual behavior.

The captain seemed to be everywhere you turned in the days after. In the mess hall, you’d catch him staring at you from his table of officers, an unreadable look on his face. On the training pitch, he seemed to almost ignore your mistakes -- or at least, he didn’t appear as eager to rap you across the knuckles with the flat of his sword any time you were full seconds off a strike. He never reprimanded you, or revealed in any way that he’d caught you out after hours.

He was so confusing.

You’d thought more on his comments in the bath, about the prince and his valet. He had at least answered one of your long standing questions about why he - a marquis - would have joined the kingsguard instead of lounging around in Musutafu, slowly filling his manor full of heirs like the rest of the nobility. It was clear he was so viciously protective of the prince, and of Midoriya, though he seemed loath to admit it. You guessed that he couldn’t well knife anyone who “fucked with them” as he’d put it, from the comfort of a country estate.

This humanizing connection had you more confused than ever, and in combination with his weird behavior over the past few days, you were beginning to think he was waging some kind of psychological campaign on you. His lingering, thoughtful gazes were reaching off-putting levels of obviousness, and the way he corrected you in drills -- while still colorful with swears and insults -- was almost downright friendly for him.

You wondered what was wrong with him.

“He’s gonna murder you,” Kaminari offered unhelpfully, when you asked his opinion. “It’s like a final act of kindness. The prisoner’s last meal.”

Sero poked him with the stem of the herbs you’d been trying to grind into a staunching salve. “It’s not that. When have you ever known Bakugou to be kind?”

“That’s what I’m saying!” Kaminari defended himself. “Why else would he be less mean to L/N than if he was gonna kill him?”

Sero rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “I guess you have a point.”

You looked at him in alarm. “I don’t want to die,” you hissed. “I was just taking a bath.”

Kaminari smirked, piling up his own herbs in a towering heap, spilling out of the bowl of his mortar. “Not so great now, are they?”

You rolled your eyes, picking up your pestle and stabbing it into the mortar with feeling. “You can’t hate being clean that much.”

He didn’t respond.

You looked back up at him only to find him frozen, eyes fixated on something behind your back. He looked white as a sheet, and sat stiff and unblinking, as though locked in rigor mortis. A tall shadow fell over your workstation.

“Lotta yapping over here,” a rough voice said, and you looked up, up into a pair of red eyes. Your body locked up.

“Uh,” you said stupidly, feeling as blank as Kaminari, “The pestle leaves my mouth free.”

Sero let out an inhuman noise next to you, and the corner of Bakugou’s mouth twitched.

“Thought you did all your talking outta your ass,” he said, eyeing you closely.

Your face reddened. “Captain! I--That’s not--!”

“Calm down, shrimp,” he smirked. “You’re excused from medical training today. You’re coming with me.”

You stared up at him in shock. Was he taking you somewhere to kill you? Why not do it in front of the entire garrison? That seemed more his style, leaving your body to send a message to anyone else who dared commit the unforgivable sin of bathing after hours. What was he trying to do?

“Captain?” you asked nervously, fingers tightening on your pestle. Kaminari and Sero just stared, slack-jawed and open-mouthed like neanderthals.

“Now, soldier,” Bakugou said, insensitive to your plight. “Ten pushups for every second you make me wait.”

You shot to your feet. “Yes, sir.”

He turned on his heel, stomping back across the training field. The sun winked across his broad shoulders, falling in streaks over the blood red of his captain’s uniform.

“We’ll honor your memory,” Kaminari said sadly as you made to follow. Sero elbowed him, but it didn’t change your nervousness.

You thought quickly as you followed Bakugou across the field. If you weren’t being murdered, were you being discharged for your actions? Why now, why not days ago when it had happened?

Bakugou led you across the castle grounds, to a small building set in the shadow of the palace.

“In,” he grunted, opening the door. You eyed him apprehensively but ducked under his arm, stepping into a dim room. Racks of weapons lined the walls - heavy looking crossbows were pinned to the rafters, quivers of arrows lay in piles on the floor, and all manner of swords and maces lay racked in every corner. A tall man with a hawkish nose and dark eyes sat at a worktable in a cramped corner of the room, fletching a pile of arrows.

“Tokoyami,” Bakugou greeted him, following you into the room. You halted, but he prodded you forward with an impatient hand. “This is the little runt I was talking about. Think I got the size right?”

Tokoyami considered you, rising from his worktable. He took your wrist gently, placing his other hand under your elbow to pull your arm out, holding it perpendicular to your body. “He looks as described. I think it will work.”

Your heart picked up in your chest. What would work? What was he doing with your arm? Why was he holding it out? Was he going to cut it off?

You took a step back, running up against a hard chest. Bakugou let out a breath behind you, putting a steadying hand on your shoulder. It was almost unnaturally warm, burning through the layers of your uniform like the sun on a summer afternoon.

“Relax, princess,” he rumbled quietly in your ear as Tokoyami dropped your wrist, turning back to his worktable. He rummaged around in a pile of weapons behind it, the metal of swords clanking lightly as he shifted them.

You fidgeted uncomfortably under Bakugou’s hand, trying not to focus on the heat of him just behind you, the scent of smoke and something sugary that clung to him like dew on morning grass.

Tokoyami eventually emerged with a thin scabbard, holding it out to you. “Here.”

You looked at him curiously, but Bakugou gave you another impatient push. “Take the damn sword, shrimp. We don’t have all day.”

You took it from Tokoyami carefully, holding it out gingerly. “Captain, what is this?”

Bakugou scoffed from behind you, and you turned around to look at him.

“The standard issue blade’s too big for you. It’s why you’re so shitty at drills,” Bakugou said, crossing his arms over his chest. His uniform groaned in protest over his biceps, and you forced your eyes back up to his face.

“What?” you asked stupidly.

Bakugou smirked. “You’re not putting on the same muscle as those other fucks. I saw it in the baths. You needed a different blade - a little smaller and much lighter.”

You stared at him in shock. Is that why he had come into the water to harass you? He’d been looking you over? What else had he noticed about your appearance? Surely not much more or you wouldn’t be here…

“Please open it,” Tokoyami said quietly from your side. “Make sure it is to your liking.”

You followed his direction, pulling the hard leather from the blade. The crisp metal caught the glint of the afternoon sun, falling through the room’s single window. You noted immediately that it was perhaps an inch shorter than your own current blade, and about a fingertip less wide, with a smaller grip much closer to the size of your own hand.

The most dramatic difference, however, was its weight. It felt barely half as heavy, lightweight and almost airy in your hand after the weight of your own blade.

Tokoyami reached out and tapped the sword where a large groove ran through its center. “I had it fullered, much deeper than the standard issue blade to relieve some of the weight. I took enough length and width off to lighten the load but not give you a disadvantage in a fight, and reduced the grip size to keep the balance,” he paused, lip curling, “and because the captain said you had hands like a child.”

You whirled around to glare at Bakugou. He leaned against a sword rack, smirking, a thin blonde eyebrow raised as if daring you to disagree.

“You’ll need to practice with it,” Tokoyami continued, unaffected, “it will take some getting used to after the standard blade.”

You turned back to him. “Thank you. This is - wonderful.”

He seemed to smile, pleased. “It was the captain’s order. I only made it.”

You looked back at Bakugou. “Captain, I--”

“Save it,” he waved a hand, leaning back out of his slouch. “Tokoyami, thanks. We’ve got training to get to.”

He pushed the door open and stepped back out into the afternoon sun. “Move it, shrimp.”

You bowed to Tokoyami and scrambled after him. Bakugou led you back through the palace grounds to a small, out of the way training field you had never seen before. In the late afternoon sun, his hair shone like pale golden wheat, ruffling lightly in the breeze.

He stopped in the center of the field, unsheathing his own sword. “C’mon, princess. Let’s break in that new blade of yours.”

Your gut churned with nerves, but you nodded. You unclipped the sword belt containing the standard issue blade and kicked it to the side, drawing your new sword. Again, its lightweight build shocked you and your arm overshot the draw slightly, whipping the sword out a little farther than you intended.

“You’re going to have to put more force into your swings to accommodate for the missing weight,” he said. “It’s easier to move but you won’t be striking as hard when you do.”

You nodded, fingers tightening on the sword’s grip.

Bakugou smirked, eyes darting down to your hand. And then, before you could blink, he was on you.

You got your sword up just in time, barely saved by the fact that it was lighter than you were used to. The force of his strike rang up your whole arm and you gritted your teeth as he followed through, pushing you off balance.

You took a step back, ducking under his wide swing and darting your sword at his side. With almost inhuman grace, he twisted, leaning to the side and bringing his blade down to knock yours aside.

You followed the movement of your sword, letting it carry you outside his immediate reach.

“Good, princess,” he bit out, the corner of his mouth curling. “You’re faster.”

You stared at him. You felt faster, but you still couldn’t touch him.

“Again,” he commanded imperiously.

You thrust another strike at his chest. Again he caught it, knocking your blade aside. As he did, you noted that the force of it was easier to control than usual, and you were much faster in regaining command and bringing it back up to cut at him again.

“So you have been learning something,” he said, letting a savage grin touch his mouth. “You’re less useless than I’d have guessed, shrimp.”

It was hardly a compliment at all, but from him it felt like high praise. Something warm like satisfaction curled in your chest.

“Focus on bringing it down harder,” he said, stepping back into your space. The dirt of the field crunched under his boot. “You’re still not accommodating for less weight behind your blows. It’s easy for anyone to throw you off.”

You threw another blow at him, putting all your own weight behind it. He caught it, but was a fraction of a second slower in pushing you back off.

“Good,” he murmured again, red eyes tracking you as you stepped back out of his reach.

He threw another strike at you and met it with a heavy swing. He stepped through the recoil, and thrust again. Again you caught him in time and used his own momentum to swipe his strike aside. He grinned savagely.

After that, your focus narrowed entirely to strikes and thrusts, parries and blows. Your whole world became the swing of your arm, the glint of sun on bright metal, the soft dirt under your feet as you wove and ducked and swiped. Only gradually did you become aware of your heavy breathing and a slight fatigue in your arms. When you next noted your surroundings, the sun was no longer in its place in the sky, leaning close to the earth to kiss the horizon.

Bakugou used your distraction to kick your legs out from under you.

“That’s enough for today, shrimp,” he finally said, and you noted with some pride that he was breathing a little heavily as well. “I went easy on you, but you’re good. Better than I would have expected.”

You got to your feet, sheathing your sword. “This whole time,” you panted out between breaths, “I didn’t think - I, I’ve just been terrible.”

Bakugou tucked away his own blade. “You were. Now you’re not.”

You realized with a start that not only had he commissioned you a blade, but he’d set aside an entire afternoon to train you with it. Something like embarrassment, and gratefulness, washed over you in a hot wave.

“Thank you,” you blurted, grabbing the hem of your uniform for something to do with your hands. The tips of your ears felt hot.

Bakugou raised an eyebrow, then scoffed. “Shoulda caught it sooner,” he said, dismissively. “Knew you weren’t stupid with the way you picked up the medical shit.”

You looked at him in question.

“I thought you’d build up enough muscle,” he said, looking you over. “I didn’t take into account...other factors.”

Your eyebrows knitted together. “My...age?”

His crimson gaze caught yours, holding for a moment before he looked away. “Something like that.”

You stared at him but he didn’t elaborate, padding over to pick up your sword belt and previous blade from the ground. He held them out in a large, calloused hand. “Bring this back to Tokoyami. Then you’re dismissed.”

You took them from him, nodding. “Thank you again, Captain. I....appreciate it.”

A smirk overtook his handsome face. “Don’t embarrass me again at drills.”

A flush overtook your face so quickly it felt like you were scalded by your own skin. “I won’t, sir.”

He considered you a moment, then turned on his heel and set off across the field, waving a hand dismissively. “Get to the armory, princess,” he called over a broad shoulder, “I want you back in your bunk by sundown. No more late night escapades.”

You watched him go, something like a smile touching your mouth. A foreign feeling washed over you and you stopped to think on it for a moment.

For the first time in months, you felt like you were in the right place.

#bakugou x reader #fanfic #bakugou katsuki x reader #bnha #bnha x reader #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki

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itsclydebitches · 4 years

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Establishing an Ethical Dilemma: The Clone Wars’ “Downfall of a Droid” vs. RWBY’s “Gravity”

On today’s episode of Metas No One Asked For we’re going to talk about how The Clone Wars’ sixth episode “Downfall of a Droid” managed to do everything RWBY’s seventh season “Gravity” failed at.

(Apologies in advance for the very shitty picture quality.)

In each show we start off with an incredibly difficult situation: if Anakin and his troops leave then the Separatists will gain this area of space. If they stay and fight they’re likely all be killed. If Team RWBY leaves a good portion of a city will perish. If they stay and fight they (including that city) will most likely all be killed. Now, in comparing these episodes we need to acknowledge that RWBY is setting up immediate consequences whereas The Clone Wars is setting up long-term consequences. It feels like Team RWBY has less of an option to retreat because their immediate consequence is that a good portion of Mantle will die. It feels like Anakin has more of an option to retreat because the impact of letting the Separatists gain a foothold won’t be seen until later in the war. Those long-term, mostly invisible consequences simply don’t resonate with us in the same way that the deaths of large swaths of minor characters we’ve seen throughout the volume does. It feels worse for Team RWBY to retreat because we’ve seen the Mantle citizens on screen throughout the season. They feel more real to us than the nameless, faceless people who will die later on if the Separatists gain this advantage. But both situations require sacrifice in order to keep the war going and both situations require sacrifice in order to save the immediate people around you. Ironwood wants to save everyone in Atlas and the people he’s evacuated from Mantle. Obi-Wan wants to save Anakin, Ahsoka, and the who knows how many clones on these ships. Both situations ask the question, “Even if you’re personally willing to take a nonsensical, terrible, borderline impossible risk to save others, how can you doom those around you in the process? The people you’re speaking for - as civilians or as subordinates - do not get to make that choice for themselves. In the name of the unlikely possibility that you’ll save people in the future you’re taking the far more likely risk of killing others here and now.”

Despite taking up only six minutes of screen time (the real emphasis is on losing R2. This battle is just the setup for that) The Clone Wars manages to provide a more complex and balanced account of the ethics of this situation than RWBY managed in multiple episodes. It is made abundantly clear that, despite coming from a noble place, Anakin is in the wrong here. He’s trying to risk too much on the basis of nothing. He’s in the same position Team RWBY was in, just insisting loudly that they have to fight because it’s the right thing to do, and he’s called out for that by the story itself. Obi-Wan, Anakin’s Master and superior, tells him not to go through with this.

Ahsoka, his padawan, agrees. This is how you have a much younger, much less experienced character being better than their elders, by actually allowing them to act as the more mature party in a scene. If Ahsoka, who thus far has been characterized as equally reckless and desperate to push the war as far as she can as fast as she can, thinks this is a dumb move, you know it’s a very dumb move.

“Suicide is not the Jedi way.” We could also say that “Suicide is not the huntsmen way.” Doing the “right thing” means absolutely nothing in the face of your own death and the death of everyone following you. What have you achieved here? Satisfaction of some sort for being a Good Person? Congratulations, you can feel smug about that in the afterlife while ignoring the deaths/detriment to the war weighing on your conscious. Here Anakin’s superior and his subordinate call him out on this selfish behavior. He’s not a bad person for wanting to defend this sector but, as someone in a position of power, he does need to do better. He needs to make the harder choice here, prioritizing the lives he can realistically save over the Happy Ending he wants.

However, in the face of their criticism Anakin just digs in his heels and, to be frank, comes across as delusional at best, downright dangerous at worst. Again, despite this choice defending (some) others, he’s being selfish: “I can’t let them do that.” He’s prioritizing his own conscious over the logic of the situation and the lives of his men. And he’s appropriately called out for that too.

This is a flaw that Anakin needs to work on, not something heroic the audience is meant to praise. So far he’s in nearly an identical position to Team RWBY, insisting on a suicide mission despite everyone else around him laying out precisely why that’s a death wish and, therefore, a very bad move. Emotionally we understand why Anakin wants to fight, but the story reminds us that what we want is not necessarily what we (and everyone else) needs, even if it seems so at first glance. The generalized “defending this sector is a Good Thing” simply can’t hold up against the undeniable danger of choosing to fight. To him. To his men. To his padawan. To the war. Anakin’s noble desires mean nothing in the face of an impossible situation. He simply has no way to win.

The difference between this scene and RWBY’s - the key, crucial, AMAZING difference - is this line right here:

At the very end of the scene we establish that Anakin does have a plan. He’s not risking everyone’s lives on the illogical hope that they’ll win because they’re the good guys, he’s banking on an actual strategy he’s come up with. Now, in a show where this dilemma is more central to the story we’d want to hear precisely what this plan is and weigh it against the established dangers. However, as said this fight only takes up about 5 minutes of screen time in a 7 season show. This dilemma is only setup for the primary conflict of finding R2, so we’re able to skip the explanation and instead have the plan function as a fun reveal for the audience. How will Anakin get them out of this situation? We’ve already established that he can, now it’s just a matter of showing how. Unlike Team RWBY, Anakin is able to justify this choice to everyone around him. The people he’s asking to fight beside him and risk their lives. He’s able to prove that this battle isn’t as impossible as it seems.

Crucially though, even the audience isn’t investing blind trust in Anakin. Later on, his strategic nature is worked into the surrounding plot. We’re shown how good he is at coming up with plans, thus lending support to the audience’s belief that he’s truly come up with a way to beat Grievous here as well as providing in-world support for why others would trust him to this extent. Not only did Anakin provide a concrete, smart, doable plan to justify going on this “suicide mission,” he has a track record of using this sort of strategy successfully in almost every battle. In contrast, the last time Team RWBY implemented a plan was... volumes ago? They don’t use strategy to beat the Ace Ops. They don’t fight together at Haven. They kept hitting Tyrian head-on until they lost. The closest thing we’ve gotten to strategy lately is the Nuckelavee battle which amounted to “Hold him down so we can hit him as opposed to just hitting him.” There’s been very little lately to convince us that Team RWBY can get themselves out of tight situations via intellect like Anakin can. More significantly, Anakin didn’t just rely on his reputation as a smart guy. There was no, “Trust me because I’m just that good” which, again, is what Team RWBY demands of Ironwood: trust us despite our disloyalty and our lack of a plan. Trust us despite everything telling you you shouldn’t. Anakin has been faithful to his allies, proven his ability in the past, and - though it happens off screen - is able to lay out logical reasons for taking this risk. For all his playful arrogance, he knows he’s not going into that battle unless he can provide a persuasive reason as to why he’ll win.

Despite having a plan, despite successfully pulling it off, Anakin still makes mistakes and still needs a great deal of help from others throughout this episode. His impulsive move to go after Grievous means Rex has to rescue him and results in him losing R2, a MAJOR consequence for him. Later on, Anakin needs to be rescued by Ahsoka and Rex again. At no point does the story insist, “Anakin is capable of soloing everything because he’s one of the main characters.” Or worse, show us how much help he needs and then retconning it later (looking at you, “We don’t need adults” scene).

Anakin is not only shown to have flaws but exists in a story that continually calls him out on them, allowing him to grow. In his despair over losing R2 he starts threatening this ship captain. In a story like RWBY that behavior would be excused because the audience knows the captain is a bad guy. AKA, the sort of situation we got with Cordovin: it’s totally fine for Team RWBY to steal from her because she’s racist, attributing a connection between these two actions when, in reality, there is none. Here though, Ahsoka reminds Anakin that he can’t treat people this way simply because he’s upset/doesn’t like them. The captain acting like a slimy asshole does not justify threatening him with a lightsaber, in the same way that being a racist asshole doesn’t justify taking headshots at Cordovin and destroying her city’s primary means of defense. Here, The Clone Wars allows for even main characters to make mistakes and acknowledges those mistakes in a way that neither demonizes them nor acts like those mistakes don’t matter. Or tries to present them as heroic.

At the end of the episode we get to see precisely how much R2′s disappearance is still eating at Anakin,

but crucially he’s not risking his life, the life of his padawan, his subordinates, and the war efforts in order to search for him based on... nothing. Anakin has nothing here. Nothing to go on except his personal belief - “I know it” - that R2 survived and him hearing a droid beep on the ship. Which, as Ahsoka points out, sounded just like any other droid. Logically there’s no reason for anyone to believe that R2 survived and thus no basis for risking so much in order to find him. When Anakin is told to continue the war efforts, he does. He might not like it, but he follows orders. He recognizes that these orders are smart based on their current information. Up until there’s proof of R2′s survival, he can’t drop all his other responsibilities to go on an aimless search for him.

Why is Anakin heroic here? Because he has faith in R2 while likewise continuing his duties as a Jedi/war general. His conflict is that he wants to go looking for R2 yet knows that he can’t. He has a duty to those around him and he’s made promises he has to keep. A less responsible, less mature group - like Team RWBY - would ditch their superiors and follow that hunch of theirs, risking a great deal in the process, which the story would then reward them for by revealing that, of course, the character they assumed had to be alive actually was. But that doesn’t mean they were right to be reckless in the first place. Or that their faith was well-founded and not just denial. In the previous five episodes we have seen Anakin disobey orders, most notably in “Rising Malevolence” when he teaches Ahsoka how to do the things she believes in (like searching for survivors) without outright butting heads with her superiors. They find a middle ground. A compromise, searching for survivors in a pit-stop fashion and then agreeing to catch up with the rest of the fleet when they don’t find anything. It’s only Ahsoka suddenly sensing Plo Koon that changes their minds. Now, with evidence, they have a reason to continue their pursuit, disobeying orders in the process. Even then we end the episode with Anakin joking about how if he’s going to get in trouble for this, so is Ahsoka. Their easy-going banter implies that their superiors are level-headed people - they understand the emotional reasons why they searched for survivors in the first place and are no doubt persuaded by their reasons for staying - but they still disobeyed orders. That comes with consequences and everyone involved will shoulder those consequences together.

We get a similar situation regarding searching for R2 at all. Once again, Anakin’s personal feelings are at the forefront of his decision making. His emotional investment in R2 as an individual blinds him to the larger picture. Indeed, that investment is presented as both a flaw and a strength. Allowing R2 to keep his memory is a HUGE threat to the war effort and (again) Anakin is called out for risking so much. At the same time, Ahsoka establishes that this choice isn’t entirely selfish one - I personally want R2 to stay as he is because he’s my friend, no matter how many lives that risks - but a practical one as well. R2 having that information makes him a great asset, demonstrated beautifully when he’s chucking assassin droids out of airlocks (established as deadly a few minutes earlier) and R3, the newer model with faster computing, can’t even open a door. Admittedly, Goldie’s competence is complicated by him being a traitor. We don’t know how much was a mistake and how much deliberate sabotage. However, Ahsoka is still correct that R2 is far more competent than the average droid and that’s at least partly due to him developing via maintaining his memory. Ahsoka’s words invite Obi-Wan to weigh the pros and the cons here. Is R2′s assistance and his individuality worth more than the threat he poses if they lose him? Obi-Wan, who previously claimed he was “just” a replaceable droid, implies that it is because he doesn’t order Anakin to wipe his memory if he finds him. He may still order R2′s destruction later because, as established, they’re not on a rescue mission, but he is starting to see this droid as more than just a tool. The main take-away though is that the story skillfully creates a situation where, for a time, the same action feeds two different motivations. Obi-Wan wants to find R2 for the Republic’s safety. Anakin wants to find him because R2 is his friend. Here he’s allowed to follow orders while still doing what he feels is right and we get to see how happy that makes him.

Then when the situation changes and Anakin’s orders no longer align with his desires... he puts those desires aside. A least for a time. Because he’s a Jedi. He’s a general. He’s in the middle of a war that’s far bigger than himself. Obviously the story eventually rewards his faith/desires by returning R2 to him, but that’s not because Anakin immediately risked everything else in the process. He took no action until he had evidence that R2 was nearby, very conveniently held in the same place he was ordered to find. The end of “Duel of the Droids” is very explicit about both sides of this debate: Anakin did risk the lives of everyone under his command (indeed, two Clones died) and Ahsoka agrees that he was reckless in disobeying orders, even if it was done under the expectation that they’d finally found R2. Anakin pushes back that R2 is more than just a droid, he’s a friend, and he had faith that Ahsoka would carry the mission without him. We as the viewer can push back further with Ahsoka taking on Grievous alone and nearly dying: she never would have been put in that position if Anakin hadn’t left the mission to find R2. And on and on. They’re both right in regards to some aspects and wrong in regards to others, and still other parts have no “right” answer, providing a complex look at this highly debatable situation and allowing the viewer to draw their own conclusions. For all his (uh, rather massive lol) mistakes to come, here and now Anakin is a great protagonist, someone who is heroic while also allowed to be flawed. To me that’s far more compelling than giving us “heroes” who continually harm others in the name of “what’s right” and only get by via the grace of the plot.

TL;DR: I’ve only watched six episodes of this series and already, from a writing perspective, RWBY could only hope to be half of what The Clone Wars is

#RWBY #rwde #the clone wars #TCW #Star Wars #mymetas

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elephantasmosgothoughts · 4 years

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Guys let’s talk about Gabriel for a minute. We all know him as this angry, shitty boss figure, but what is he really? Yes, a boss. An archangel of Heaven. Someone so dedicated to his job that he’s willing to hurt his own family to get things done. He’s still an asshole, but he loves God so much, he’s willing to do anything for her. He trusts her implicitly. He’s brainwashed himself into thinking he’s always right, because to acknowledge that he’s wrong is to acknowledge that God is wrong, and that he’s been harming people for nothing. He’s narcissistic, rude, bigoted, but now that he knows the Ineffable Plan is more important than the Great plan? If he somehow saw that the pain he causes people is unnecessary? He’d change. In a big way. God will always be his main focus, but he’d start asking questions too, the kind that he used to think was dangerous. He’d start treating people better, though he’d never admit it. He’d be less harsh on lesser angels like Aziraphale, more accommodating to humans even. Maybe, given enough time to think things through, he’d even apologize to people, even though it makes him uncomfortable. The kind of character growth people go through when the foundation of their beliefs has been shook. And who knows? Perhaps he’d even be willing to be nice to demons, in which case he and Beezelbub could be a possibility, finally. I’m not excusing his behavior and downright savagery to Aziraphale, but what I’m trying to say is that he’s just as well rounded of a character as Crowley or Aziraphale. He has a lot of potential to change and be an ally, maybe even a friend, instead of just a shitty boss and I think that’s really cool.

#good omens #gabriel #the archangel gabriel #character study #headcanon #character redemption

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cs-discourse · 4 years

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The Reynolds Pamphlet - Reygankiwi Edition

I'm outing myself as a recent falling out with a friend has made me decide I'd rather tell the whole CS community myself so they don't get a chance to out me first. Hello everyone. I'm going to be talking about how I was a toxic bullier for most of 2017, 2018, and a good portion of 2019.

While running The Kiwi Kingdom and several of my species over on CS, I had a private chat called the-inner-circle. It was sometimes used for administrative decisions relating to punishments or rulebreakers, or where to take the Kingdom and/or the species. I would sometimes use it as a personal vent chat since I had been going through a lot through the courses of 2016-2018, and even early 2019. I've also never properly learned how to process negative emotion. When I get upset with someone, my first reaction is to be angry and to say bad things about them, a pattern that has taken me quite a bit of time to recognize (and I'm now taking steps to remedy)

I'm not going to sugar-coat it. When I got upset at someone, I would make horrendously horrible comments about them. It would sometimes start with 'X person is upsetting me' to 'X person should shut up and literally never talk again' and other toxic statements. At it's worst, I would sometimes take the salt into private messages with a friend and say some horrible things like 'they should go eat battery acid' or 'go away for ever'. It was bad.

Re-reading the things I've said about people is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know back then I don't even think I realized how serious the things I said were. I thought I was just venting, but venting should never result in someone saying 'x person should go die'. Every person's life is valuable. Every person's emotions are valuable.

In time I just assumed this was normal behavior. But it's not normal behavior.

I want to apologize to all the people I've badmouthed in private and I may miss some. It's painful to look back at what I've said for many reasons, but I'll include the people I know for sure that I wronged;

Gurocora, dragonstars, whini, allium, leeaboo, a-c-e-s, kuro, sylvexi, salty potato, and any others. The innocent people who asked questions in Kingdom or Empoerium only for me to mock them in private because I was 'annoyed' it was a FAQ. The person I was then was not fit to run a species or be in a position to help others. I still am not even close to being the perfect applicant for running a species.

In addition to this, I ruled with my emotions. I often let my personal feelings and emotions affect how I gave out punishments and bans. I would often say snippy things to people who would annoy me. (Oleanderz if you're out there, reading, sorry for being a dick about horses sitting). I often enjoyed picking fights with others and getting into arguments for the sake of it.

I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I am sorry. I am seeking professional help and counseling as soon as I can ( I do not have insurance, yay America ) to deal with some of my mental health issues. What I've done to others in the past when I thought no one was looking was inexcusable. There are still hundreds of receipts out there on me, and, if they get released, so be it. I can at least promise all of you that I know that I was an asshole. My behavior was incredibly toxic, horrible, and downright awful. I deserve to be scrutinized, and I don't blame others for turning to me with a scrutinizing gaze. I promise to do better; to be better. Every day, I make sure to ask myself "is this how I'd want to be treated" before typing or saying anything. I no longer speak ill about other people when upset, because I know how hurtful those words can be. When I feel myself getting upset, I talk about it instead through a healthy outlet (my fiance) so my bad feelings turn to anger.

I want to apologize to all of you who looked up to me. You deserved far better than what I gave you. Going forward, I am working to be a better person every day. I care deeply about other people and I want to spread happiness in a less-than-joyful world. I want to be someone you all can be proud of.

Have I missed something? ... Probably. Honestly, 2016-2018 was a blur. I don't want to go into details, because I don't want to make excuses, but I've faced eviction, abuse, and mental illness during that time. None of these are excuses for how I behaved, and I take full responsibility for how I acted. I know that, in the end, there are people who just won't like me and will probably never trust me again because of how I've acted in the past and, maybe won't trust me because of this. And that's okay. I wanted you all to know from me, personally, because I wanted to have the ability to put the writing on the wall. Thank you for reading.

Below, I've compiled a few of the things I have said. Many of them were deleted in a panic because I didn't want someone leaking them, but if they do, so be it. At this point, I know it's just a matter of time when these receipts get leaked, and that's okay. I'm going to be officially stepping away from CS after I finish what little's left to be owed. I think it's best for everyone's sake; but especially my own mental health.

I think I'm done now, at least with this topic.

I admit I also created some redesigns of some characters my ex-friend gave me in a trade, since they wanted nothing to do with me and I wanted nothing to do with them...and I didn't ask permission. Which, admittedly, I should have asked beforehand. However, I've returned the designs to them, I'm keeping my redesigns, and I'm letting them keep their half of the trade as well. (we talked about it) I know this was an absolutely shitty move on my part, and I really wasn't thinking clearly when I did it. Stress is really awful on me (debilitating, making me unable to act for days on end at times) and the situation with said friend was pretty stressful. I didn't want to induce more stress on myself. I'm sorry, to you, ex-friend, for doing so.

This also probably doesn't cover everything I've said. I have no doubts there's receipts out there with more things I've said or done and to which I have to say: I'm sorry. I am looking at everything I do with a critical eye, now.

One final I'm sorry to everyone reading. I wanted to be far better of a person than what I gave you all. All I ever wanted to do was make cute character designs and bring some happiness to others, and maybe get some happiness too. I'm sorry for failing you all so horrifically on so many levels. I think, for now, it's best I stay away from CS and most species activities. For my sake and for everyone else's sake. Thank you for those of you who have supported me all these years. Thank you for everyone who adopted my designs, for supporting my artists, for being there for me. Thank you to all the friends I've made on CS that made my time there a blast. I promise to make better decisions and do better things than what I've done in the past.

Thank you for reading.

#cs discourse #submission

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kris10tisme · 4 years

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Social Anxiety Origin Story

Social Anxiety is classified as a disorder. Isn’t that crazy!? You can actually read up on it on the MayoClinic or Webmd websites which shows that it really is a legitimate thing; it's not just you being a pussy. Most people who have social anxiety disorder don’t know what it is or why they’re like this. When we first become aware of our incomprehensible phobia we usually feel completely alien. People with this ailment tend to feel like the ultimate freaks, which knocks down their self esteem tenfold. If you have desperately searched online to potentially find answers: I feel you. The first time I felt a sense of belonging in this world was browsing through internet forums, reading about how people had the same irrational fears I did. You can find comfort in it sure, but it's definitely not the same as finding belonging in person. I didn’t know that I wasn’t completely alone in this struggle until I was maybe fifteen or sixteen years old navigating through my insufferable high school life! During that time google searches quickly became my best friend.

I can’t even really pinpoint where my SAD began for me. As a child I was pretty shy but I’d eventually open up once I became semi-comfortable. I didn’t ruminate whether or not I made some sort of fool of myself publicly. I was just having a blast man. Childhood is all fun and games but you really do get the carpet ripped out from under you when you enter adolescence.

I grew up a very privileged child financially - my parents both being middle class. My bills were all taken care of, and I didn't have to worry too much about the connections I would make with others in life. I was a kid. When a kid has no friends it's sad, but when an adult has no friends you wonder what they did wrong and you try to steer clear of them. There must be a reason why they are friendless: they must fetishize feet in their spare time! When you’re a child your only occupation is being a student. I’d wake up, go to school, learn stuff, socialize a bit among peers and then go home to watch TV and repeat, not questioning or overthinking the minutiae or idiosyncrasies in my life; just living day by day. Everything was smooth sailing. I figured I would hit my peak as a teenager and do all the cool teenagery things I saw on television like going to parties, making the cheerleading squad (though I’m not athletic at all; it would just happen), and have a tumultuous relationship with several boys. I’d pick the most special one to lose my virginity to on prom night! Then college would come, I’d go there and graduate and get a job. Sounds simple right!?

WRONG!

Hitting puberty was a big eye opener for me. It’s like once I menstruated my self-esteem plummeted. Everything about life just seemed a lot more competitive. There are all these milestones that society expects you to complete by certain ages: your first beer, your first kiss, your first fornication, your first job. All terrible and unfamiliar things! Now that I had bled and grown boobs, I was in the process of becoming a woman. I had to start making preparations to accomplish these milestones.

Seventh grade was the first year of my life I was depressed, and that terrible feeling hasn’t really depleted all that much since. In sixth grade I felt like a rock star… until the end of the year. I was a downright bully, mocking people in my class for the way they looked and acted. Some of my classmates found me funny, and I liked feeling that bold. I liked knowing that people were on the edge of their seats waiting for me to comment on a situation. It wasn’t until the end of the school year when one of the girls I heavily bullied called me out on my malicious means of garnering attention from my peers. She didn’t even insult me, she just spat out the truth. “You’re mean KRISTEN! You’re a BULLY!”

I can’t even explain how thrown off I felt by that mere observation. I never questioned why I did what I did; I liked the attention. I liked being someone people would be eager to hear from to know my latest outrageous comments on what surrounds us. Hearing this girl call me out for being a mean bully was a gut punch like no other. I couldn’t believe my ears. To me this girl wasn’t a person; she was a vessel. Someone to make fun of. Someone who was an easy target because she had a whole line of insults thrown her way since even before I saw her as easy prey.

No one ever downright called me out on my behavior. My dad did tell my mom that I was a horrible daughter, and he even asked who would want to have a daughter like me. But that was mostly because I was disrespectful towards him. Such a justified comment for a parent to make about his adolescent daughter right in front of her :)

That summer break I had tons of time to reflect upon my actions. I recognized how downright awful I had been to a lot of my classmates and vowed to make amends in the coming school year. I want to say, most of the bullying took place before I began menstruating, so you can blame my abhorrent behavior on my lack of emotional resonance and the fact that my womanly empathy and sympathy had not yet kicked in. That’s how I excuse how I acted.

So by seventh grade I was menstruating, and I grew D cup breasts overnight. I became a stand-up person - someone who didn’t throw vulnerable people under the bus for my own benefit. I became what you would call... “compassionate.”

Seventh grade was the year everything went downhill for me. Maybe it was the hormones kicking in and getting the better of me, or maybe it was me becoming more aware of what society deems as acceptable and proper. I felt like I should be cultivating a role in society, and I didn’t know what role to take. I couldn’t be loud and obnoxious anymore because my victims were starting to bite back and I realized the biting back hurt me more than I could handle.

For the rest of Junior High I struggled with my transitioning into a new person. My classmates instantly recognized how much softer and kind-hearted I became. I didn’t throw around as many insults, and if I did it was just playful banter. Me and the girl I had so savagely bullied were on decent terms, though we never really interacted with one another except for when obligatory social protocol called for it. I struggled with finding my niche again within my class. I got along with people just fine, but I suffered through a big identity crisis: I didn’t know what I could contribute without being outwardly obnoxious. I didn’t know what stereotypical personality trait defined me. Things got a bit more fucked at home for me, so that really took a toll on me mentally. I’ll get into how family influences your socialization tendencies in another post.

I’ve never wanted anything more in life other than to be liked. I know they say that not everyone’s gonna like you and that you should accept that, but I can’t! I just can’t accept it! The only way I will accept someone not liking me is if they’re completely indifferent to me, like when I have not done anything to them or in front of them to warrant them having an opinion on my character. So I keep my mouth shut. BUT THEN… I worry about what a weirdo they must think I am. If I’m too quiet then I give people the opportunity to make assumptions about me based on the impressions they have on me. They can be thinking anything, like that I watch tentacle porn, or that I collect toenail clippings or something.

I wonder if keeping my mouth shut all these years has done me more harm than good emotionally. Speaking up opens you up for attack, and I always feel like I have to be on the defensive. But when you say nothing to anyone, are you really living your life to the fullest and taking advantage of opportunities that could benefit you?

Meeting someone and getting to know them feels kind of like a step by step interrogation for me. The worst question I always get is, “What do you do?” Which I assume means “what do you do for a living?” Another one is,“Do you have a boyfriend?” It seems to me that the general public believes having a solid and steady job and being in some sort of romantic relationship completes the prerequisites for having a satisfactory life. Do these people even consider that you may be unemployed AND single? And that they’re unintentionally making you feel shitty about yourself? Just keep the convo focused on the weather for god sake.

I started this blog to vent about my feelings. I have been journaling a lot recently to blow off some steam because it's uncomfortable to complain about this stuff in real life. Only people on the internet can understand certain problems. I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I feel like social anxiety is an underrepresented disease in mainstream media. It’s embarrassing to tell people that you are anxious for your next family gathering because you don’t know if you should greet someone with a kiss on their cheek if they’re sitting down. Do I just bend down!? Should they stand up? Am I being too forward, or are they gonna be offended if I don’t make a move to embrace them? That's a whole ordeal for me. It's not what people call a “real problem” but this is the shit I think about while I lie in bed at night. So if shit similar to that wanders through your mind when you contemplate the world, maybe you can find some sort of catharsis through this blog. We may not have a very mainstream disease, but at least we’ve got each other to relate to. We’re people who find solace in reading about similar experiences we’ve experienced online.

Just thinking back on the fact that what jump started my anxiety issue was a small little comment made by someone whose life I made torturous. I don’t place the blame on this girl, as I just enabled her to pull the trigger on some deeper rooted issues I bore. Although it is quite the struggle I am glad that the nastier person I was eventually transformed into a more compassionate one. I never got to formally apologize to that girl. I hope I didn’t leave a big lasting impression on her. I was really shitty to her. I would reach out to her through social media and apologize, but I’ve got way too much social anxiety for that!

Well now that we’ve covered my origin story I would love to hear about all of yours. I will continue to write about various social situations or predicaments that freak me out, as well as stuff I’ve been through at home and in high school and how I’ve evolved and haven’t evolved. I don’t want this blog to be filled with negativity. Hopefully it's self-effacing in a not too depressing way. If it’s too depressing please let me know. I don’t want to spread the feeling of hopelessness with this blog. I want people to find comfort and humor, and maybe we can come up with some potential resolutions for certain scenarios and give each other tips. If there are any readers out there, thanks for reading. I hope this in some way made you smile and feel like less of an outcast. Keep trooping on! You’re not alone :)

#social #anxitey #social anxious #social anxiety #depressed #depression #sad #origin #story #generalized anxiety disorder #help #myparentsdontunderstand #mental heath support #puberty #hormones #peer pressure #mental health #overthinking

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hunnywrites · 5 years

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Arcade Dreams: Chapter Fourteen

Summary: There’s a new girl working at the Palace Arcade and Hawkins’ Family Video. Billy can’t stand her, and the feeling is mutual. No matter what everyone else seems to think.

Pairing: Billy Hargrove/OFC

A/N: Alright so it turns out writing about Billy having feelings other than angst is pretty tough. But you know, we’re finally making progress on the romance front. Enjoy!

Teddi ended up chickening out over calling about the apartment. It had been about a week or so since Hopper had come into the video store, and the idea of living off on her own was still constantly on her mind. If only she could just make herself call. Instead she could only trace the phone number that she had written on the back of one of her notebooks. She hadn’t brought it up with Billy either. He would’ve been supportive of the idea, Teddi knew he would. She didn’t have any siblings to worry about like he did. No strings tying her to her family. And she could already practically hear him joking about her apartment being the new party spot. Like she’d let that happen. But there was this part of her that worried that he might think the whole thing was stupid. That he might tell her she was running from her problems or being a baby. So for now she would keep it to herself.

Now Teddi was in the library during her free period, mindlessly tracing that same phone number as she chewed on her lip. Initially she’d decided to use her free period to finish up on some homework before she had to go to work, but her mind was much, much too busy to focus on any math homework she had. In fact, she was so spaced out that she didn’t even notice that someone was walking up behind her.

“What’s that?” Teddi jumped at the sound of Steve’s voice.

She held a hand to her chest, glaring up at him as he pulled the seat across from her out and plopped down. “It’s nothing.” she said a little too quickly.

Steve raised an eyebrow. “...That definitely doesn’t sound suspicious,” he grinned. “Come on, Ted. It’s me, Steve, you can tell me. You got a boyfriend you’re keeping a secret or something?”

Teddi rolled her eyes. “Nothing so scandalous,” she joked. She supposed there was no real harm in telling Steve. He was a much more impartial party compared to Billy. “...You know that apartment building you told me about at the New Year’s party? The one out by the steel mill? I’ve kinda been thinking of moving there. Like getting out on my own and all.” she eyed Steve nervously while she waited for his reaction.

“Pfft, I sure wish I could move out,” was all he said. “My old man’s constantly down my neck about what I’m gonna do after school. Like I’m supposed to have any idea.” he scoffed.

Teddi let out a small breath of relief and smiled. “You don’t have any colleges lined up?”

“Uh, well I was trying to pick out a few to apply to...but then I couldn’t really decide on any...and then I kinda missed all the deadlines to apply,” he nodded, flashing a sheepish grin. “What about you? I mean, you’ve gotta have schools trying to kick down your door, right?”

College. That was another subject that Teddi wanted to avoid. She’d been busting her ass working two jobs and making sure her grades were nothing short of amazing so that she could make sure to get into a good school...but there wasn’t really anything she dreaded more. And she was completely aware that it didn’t make a lick of sense. “Well, actually I got into NYU which was like...my dream school...but I don’t really know if I’m gonna go if I’m completely honest.”

Steve’s eyebrows shot upwards and he grinned. “Wait, what? Teddi, that’s amazing! Why wouldn’t you want to go there? I’m pretty sure Johnathan Byers would kill you just to take your place.”

Teddi let out a snort before shrugging. “I don’t know...I know it sounds dumb. Trust me. I’ve just been wondering lately if I actually want to go to college or if I’m just doing it because it’s what people our age are supposed to do, you know? Or if it’s just like an excuse for me to get out on my own. And I feel like I finally have actual friends here now and I’m up and leaving. It kinda bums me out.” there was also the added fact that she had absolutely no idea what she would major in. She didn’t like admitting to people that her life wasn’t as put together as they might think.

Steve shot Teddi a knowing look before leaning forwards. “Please tell me this isn’t about Billy Hargrove.”

Teddi scoffed, sinking down in her seat. “Oh please, Steve.” sure Billy was part of it. Of course he was part of it. Teddi was as close with Billy as she was with Steve, maybe even more so now. Which was ironic since they had been sort of mortal enemies, but it wasn’t solely about him.

“What’s the deal with him anyways? You can’t honestly be falling for this whole ‘nice guy’ act he’s been pulling lately, can you?” Teddi could definitely understand Steve’s skepticism. After all, he was the guy that Billy had beaten unconscious just four months ago. At the same time though Teddi had a hard time imagining that the Billy she knew now could ever do something like that.

“Look, I know that he’s not exactly Mr. Rogers,” Teddi said. Steve let out a snort. “But he’s really a lot different now. It’s like a 180...well, maybe more like a 150. We’re not completely there yet. I think if you two can get over your weird alpha male thing you have going you could probably even be friends,” Steve only shot her a disbelieving look. “If I can be friends with him then so can you. You’re friends with Johnathan Byers now, aren’t you?”

Steve held up his hands. “Yeah, yeah. Look, I’ll take your word for it. I mean I don’t think me and him are gonna be hanging out any time soon...I just want you to be careful. If Billy really is trying to not be such a shit head then great. But just...keep an eye out.”

Teddi would be lying if she said she didn’t have her own reservations about Billy’s behavior. There was this tiny part of her that wondered if maybe it was all some sort of an act. Like Billy might be pretending to be a genuinely nice guy to get in her pants. But she always brushed it off. She wanted to have more faith in him than that. And she definitely wasn’t going to voice her paranoia out loud. “Yes, mother hen.” was all she said instead, grinning at Steve.

Steve rolled his eyes. “Cute. Really cute. Hey, do you have the notes from history?”

“You mean you didn’t take any?” Teddi asked with a smile as she started to search through her backpack for her notes.

“...Oh, totally. I just wanted to compare them with mine.”

Teddi let out a snort. “Uh-huh...shit. I don’t have my binder. I think I left it in my gym locker. I’ll be right back, okay?” Steve threw her a thumbs up before Teddi rushed out of the library.

---

Billy usually liked to spend his free period in the gym. It always got quiet after gym class ended, and maybe aside from a few girls that liked to sit on the bleachers while he practiced his free throws no one really bothered him. Teddi had asked if he wanted to join her in the library while she finished up some homework. He’d said that he’d rather chew off his own foot than voluntarily step foot in the school library.

There was also the fact that there was something that was bothering her and she actually seemed to think she could hide it from him. Teddi was somewhat of a shitty liar. Or at least he was really good at seeing through it when she lied. He wasn’t really sure which it was. Probably the latter. The bigger issue was that he had asked if there was something going on and she kept lying. So he had dropped the issue. But he also definitely didn’t want to sit around for a whole hour while she dodged his questions and acted like everything was perfect and told him to stop being so pouty.

“Billy!” someone called just as he gracefully tossed the basketball into the basket. Billy turned, trying his very hardest not to roll his eyes when he spotted Cheryl leaning up against the bleachers. The small group of girls sitting a few feet away didn’t bother to hide the dirty looks they were shooting in her direction.

He had been trying to avoid her for the last week or so. Teddi had been right; Cheryl Burns made him downright miserable. But ignoring a girl like Cheryl was proving to be pretty difficult. She didn’t really like to take no for an answer. Which he found pretty annoying. Just two days ago he had turned her down for a night out at the drive in, and yet there she was wagging those long, red nails at him beckoning him over like it had never happened.

Billy let out a soft huff and jogged over to her, nodding once at her. He wasn’t going to try and charm her like he did with every other girl he spoke to. It would just give her the wrong idea. Cheryl bit her bottom lip, smiling up at him as she batted her eyelashes at him. “You busy?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. Her hands rested just barely at his sides.

Billy looked at her and back out to the basketball court. “...What does it look like to you, Cheryl?”

She playfully rolled her eyes. “I need to talk to you for a sec.” she reached out and took one of Billy’s hands in hers and pulled him towards her.

He pulled away. “Can we do this some other time? Like I said, I’m busy.”

Cheryl definitely wasn’t the sort of girl that got turned down often. Billy wouldn’t really be surprised to find out he was the first to do so. There was a moment where the sweet, seductive look Cheryl was giving him turned into one of annoyance and he hoped that it meant she would throw a fit and stomp out of the gym and leave him alone.

He wasn’t so lucky. “And I said that I need to talk to you.” she nearly spat through her teeth.

Billy rolled his eyes. “Fine. Talk.”

The seductive smile was back just as fast as it had disappeared. Cheryl happily took his hand in hers once again and pulled him out of the gym and into the hall. Whatever it was that she had to say, she clearly didn’t want to do it in front of an audience. She lead him two doors down to the girl’s locker room. Cheryl did a quick scan of the room to make sure they were alone before she spun around, giving Billy a soft shove against a row of one of the lockers and kissing him roughly.

Billy’s hands instinctively went to Cheryl’s waist before his conscience (which he was annoyed to realize seemed to sound a lot like Teddi’s voice) told him to stop. His hands moved to Cheryl’s shoulders and he pushed her away gently. He smirked down at her, raising an eyebrow. “I thought you said you wanted to talk?”

Cheryl blinked up at him innocently, or as innocently as a girl like Cheryl could manage, and ran her hands down his bare chest before resting on his stomach. “Did I say that?” she all but giggled. Billy supposed he should have seen this coming. It was definitely a trick he would try to pull. He knew that he needed to get out before he did something he’d regret later. He was pissed at Cheryl. He didn’t even like Cheryl. So why was he sticking around? Christ, he thought, don’t pull on that thread.

“Cheryl, if you want someone to fool around with how ‘bout you go find that moron Brian Jean?” he asked with an expectant look. After Christmas break ended Billy had offered to kick the shit out Brian for ditching Teddi to hook up with Cheryl at David’s party. Teddi had practically forbidden him, but that didn’t mean Billy wasn’t allowed to fuck with him. And he definitely hadn’t missed the pleased look on Teddi’s face a few days earlier when Billy “accidentally” happened to brush his keys down the entire side of Brian’s shitty little Chevette.

Cheryl rolled her eyes. “Are you honestly still mad about that? That was forever ago, Billy. I didn’t even think you’d care,” Yeah, that’s the problem, he thought with a scoff. Cheryl hands snaked around his neck, pulling him down closer to her. “Come on, Billy, let me make it up to you.” she purred. Billy liked to think of himself as a strong guy. That he wasn’t swayed easily no matter what the situation was. But as annoying as he found Cheryl Burns, there was something about her that seemed to short circuit his brain. The shorter, more simple answer was that it was probably because she looked like the girls in his Playboys.

Everything after that was sort of a blur. He wasn’t sure how long he had been there with Cheryl. The bell hadn’t rung yet. That was really all he was able to discern. Billy had turned the pair of them around, pushing Cheryl’s back up against the lockers. His hands had a firm grip on her ass while her hands were tangled in his hair, her long tails scratching gently at his scalp. He hadn’t really thought much of the situation until he heard the locker room door open and a very familiar voice say “Oh, jeez. Sorry. Jeez. Uh I just…my locker…”

Billy spun around. Teddi was standing by the door with a hand over her eyes. He felt his stomach drop. Cheryl scoffed. “Can we help you?” she asked, glaring daggers at Teddi.

“I, uh, gotta get something out of my locker is all...and then go and die from embarrassment.” she muttered. Teddi rushed passed Billy and Cheryl and disappeared for a moment. Billy heard her locker open and close before Teddi nearly bolted out of the room. He quickly followed after her, ignoring Cheryl’s protests.

“Teddi! Teddi, can you fucking slow down?” he called, jogging to catch up with her quick strides. He grabbed her arm to stop her and spun her around to face him. She refused to make eye contact with him. He wanted to say something. His brain was screaming at him to say something to her. But he couldn’t seem to get anything out. “...I’m sorry.” was all he could manage.

Teddi still wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “Sorry?” she still sounded surprised to hear him use that word. “What’s there for you sorry about?”

“I mean…” he turned and gestured back towards the locker room awkwardly. “What just happened. Cheryl said she wanted to talk and then all the sudden-” all the sudden what? He asked himself. Teddi caught you fooling around with the same girl you said you were gonna stop fooling around with? Idiot.

“You really don’t have to apologize. Really. I just needed some history notes. I’ll see you around, okay?” Billy didn’t think he’d ever seen Teddi so frazzled before. Everything about her at that moment was so unlike the Teddi he knew. He was a little surprised she didn’t give him an earful about how he needs to stop seeing Cheryl and leading her on. Now it just seemed like she would rather be anywhere that wasn’t near him. His jaw set firmly. “Don’t do that.” he didn’t let go of her arm.

“Don’t do what?” she asked with a loud sigh.

“Don’t act like nothing happened. Where’s the lecture?” he asked, leaning down so his eyes would meet hers. “You don’t have anything to say to me? No matters of the flesh comments?” he hated how angry he sounded. He was angry with himself, not Teddi.

“Billy…” Teddi’s eyes were pleading. He felt bad all over again. He dropped her arm quickly as if it had burned him. “...I’ll see you later.” she muttered. All he could really do now was helplessly watch as Teddi nearly ran down the hall and away from him and the locker room.

“God, what is taking you so long?” Billy’s hands clenched into fists at the sound of Cheryl’s voice. He whirled around to see her poking her head out of the locker room. “Are you coming back in here or what?”

“Fuck off, Cheryl.” he spat, stomping past her and back to the gym. This whole being nice thing was definitely stressing him out more than he expected it to. He actually felt embarrassed. Embarrassed that he had been caught doing something so completely stupid. Embarrassed that he cared so much about how upset Teddi seemed by the whole thing. And it was definitely embarrassing to admit to himself that he knew why he cared so much. It wasn’t a secret that he was into Teddi. He definitely hit on her enough. But it was a little more than that.

He couldn’t even say the words in his mind. That he liked Teddi. Something like that seemed so pathetic to say out loud. Not to mention it would get him nowhere. Teddi had turned him down enough times to know he didn’t stand a chance with her. Still, the feeling he’d gotten when he saw that she’d walked in on him and Cheryl was that same feeling he’d had when he’d walked into the Palace Arcade before New Year’s and saw Teddi talking to Steve.

It made that familiar anger bubble inside of him, but in a different way. He was angry at himself. He felt pathetic. Practically pining over some girl. Maybe that was part of why he kept Cheryl hanging on. She was a way to momentarily forget about any sort of feelings he might have. Which was also pretty pathetic.

There was also the option of just saying something. To stop acting like such a little bitch about it. Yeah, he thought with a scoff, I think I’d rather let Max hit me in the dick with that bat than do that. He shoved the gym door open and grabbed his bag before heading back to the locker room for a shower. At the very least they’d have to talk about this. He completely dreaded the idea. He was sure Teddi was dreading it too. But this whole ignoring each other any time shit got tough thing was getting old.

But he underestimated Teddi. When she didn’t want to talk to someone, she meant it. He hadn’t seen even a glimpse of her for the rest of the day. He’d even skipped out on his last period early to catch her in the parking lot. When he got there her van was already gone. When he dropped Max off at the arcade he asked Keith if she was around, and he’d said she was off on her break. Billy still wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or covering for her.

He felt a little panicked then. Like finally he had gone and really fucked up. Maybe now Teddi wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore. Maybe he had gone and chased off the one friend he had in Hawkins. To say he was angry with himself was an understatement. He thought about calling, but quickly brushed the idea aside. He’d give her her space. She’d come to him when she was ready to talk. The only problem now was trying not to go absolutely insane while he waited for that to happen.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove fic #billy hargrove x oc

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bat-lings · 5 years

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A lot of people wonder whether pre-boot Damian was sexist (due to using gendered insult like "harlots", commenting on their bodies and often being disrespectful them). I'm admittedly not that certain in my opinion, considering that Damian seemed to insult and disrespect everyone. Do you think Damian (at least pre-boot) was sexist? / Thoughts?

He’s indeed bratty enough with everyone that I get where you’re coming from when wondering if his treatment of women, specifically, is rooted in sexism.

I fully believe it is though. When he’s attacking men he’s not referring to their bodies. And his using gendered insults against women isn’t something I would be so quick to dismiss as “he insults everyone anyway”, because it’s a pretty specific way to be a brat and implies an equally specific mental construction about women.

As a rule, a character/person being hateful against everyone doesn’t negate the possibility of them being sexist/bigoted.

[Batgirl (2009) #7]

Oh that’s actually a perfect example: on the left we have Damian being antagonizing in the way he is with everyone– putting his interlocutor’s value into question through their skills or lack of thereof. On the right he punctuates that with a jibe that puts Steph’s value into question through her gender.

[Batgirl (2009) #7]

[Justice League of America (2006) #41]

[World’s Finest (2009) #3 & #4]

[Gotham City Sirens #7 || Red Robin #12]

Damian being sexist doesn’t bother me in itself— I mean, it does, but it’s the point of a character flaw. What bothers me is that no other character calls him out for it (except Kara once). Yes Damian is a brat, aka a kid who should be given the time to grow out of his prejudices before he’s dismissed as a shitty human being. But recognizing that and excusing his behavior in a “brats will be brats” way —which is kinda what happened in preboot— aren’t the same thing.

We should see Damian changing his attitude; at the very least we should see other characters berating him. It’s a good character flaw and should be exploited as such by the narrative.

I stand by that: I think it’s a good character flaw, and pretty coherent with his background at that.

Damian was raised by the league which I have reasons to believe nurture bigoted values. Ra’s has often been hinted to be super sexist himself— he’s several hundred years old and hasn’t evolved with the times, is constantly seeking a male heir despite the fact that he has competent heirs in Nyssa and Talia, and is overall prone to say stuff like that:

[Detective Comics (1937) #750]

[Birds of Prey (1999) #33]

The assassins’ devotion to their master is such that I assume the whole league has a sexist mindset along with a handful of backwater values, thus the children born in the league would be raised with that mindset. Unconsciously, mostly— like society as a whole tends to make us internalize bigoted mindsets without us even noticing, and that’s what makes that character flaw interesting.

Sure Damian being sexist is kinda detestable but that’s the point of a character flaw. Think of Dick’s temper, of how Barbara gets meanly snippy when something bothers her, or Bruce’s misguided to downright toxic behaviors.

It’s also coherent with Damian’s upbringing, and chin up— he’s ten. He’s gonna unlearn all that now that he’s removed from the league’s influence (not that kids have to be raised in an assassin sect to internalize prejudiced views but it surely didn’t help) and more importantly now that he lives among a group that’s more than respectful towards women.

I just think erasing that part of him from the get-go is losing something interesting. Same goes for Tim who I also think is low key sexist. Those are traits I like to keep my personal understanding of the characters rather than ignore for the instinctive annoyance they inspire. Doesn’t negate their respective qualities, but it’s still there and should be addressed. Nuance is the core of any rich narrative.

Tl;dr: I do think Damian is sexist, and also that it’s an interesting character flaw. The only reproach I have is it wasn’t exploited/framed as it should’ve been. It was just used as another bratty behavior or even as a comic-relief thing, which is not the adequate way to treat the subject imo.

Still, just another thing our baby-demon has to grow out of.

Thanks for the ask!

#damian wayne #batfamily #batfam #meta #batgirl #batman #ra’s al ghul #robin #dc comics #asks #my stuff #zae chatters

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namayona · 5 years

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Rika’s Behind Story, V’s After Ending and rant about the fandom

I haven’t been on Tumblr since Wednesday evening because in case I might spoil myself. I wanted to play without reading what other people thought about it. Now I’m done with both and read through a bit that has happened over the past 2 days and I’m...feeling unsettled.

I played Rika’s Behind Story first bc I thought it might be important for the After Ending and I wasn’t disappointed. At some points V’s After Ending only makes sense when you played Rika’s DLC. Especially when it came to Mika (who I first thought was Rika, but nope.) I admit, I don’t like Rika. At all. Which most likely happens when you love the twins and especially Saeran (he’s my baby boy and I love him #sorrynotsorry). Still, I wanted to know why she became the person she was, probably to blame her some more for her actions. We got parts of her past in Another Story in general and I wanted to know more. And I must say: I now understand why Yoosung’s mother doesn’t like her own sister.

What I was confused about were Mika and Mina. They look like siblings but aren’t. I’ll try not to write any spoiler for it, just my opinion. With Mika we have another character we can blame for Rika’s actions. Sometimes I thought Mika is just a figment of Rika’s mind, an imagination but nope. From what we learn in Rika’s Behind Story and V’s After Ending Rika got manipulated, abused and whatnot from her so called parents, her pastor and her so called ‘sister’. It’s not an excuse for what she did and I will never forgive her for what she did but I have a better understanding of her character. People here on Tumblr say it’s just an excuse for her shitty behavior but aren’t we doing the same with Saeran? Saeran’s route was ... Let’s say even I got disturbed by one of his bad endings. But most of us also excuse his shitty and abusive behavior because of his past. Because it’s not his fault he’s like that. It’s Rika’s fault. But it’s not Rika’s fault she had a twisted imagination of love and everything. ...Wow, that sounds a lot like an excuse. I think I might stop here because people are going to hate me for this, lol.

So, what I didn’t like about her Behind Story was ... in fact Mika. I don’t like her. As I see it it started all with her, affected Rika and then Saeran. But as I see it, Cheritz made a past for her that explains why she founded Mint Eye. Why she wanted to be the Savior.

Back to V’s After Ending. Yes, it’s fucking expensive. Yes, it’s not all about V but I like the way they made it. With V’s good end we find out V was gone for two years before he came back (as a hippie) and asks the player to stay with him. Sure, Cheritz could make it like the other After Endings, a continuation of the Good Ending but I can’t be the only one who was curious why V was gone for so long and what happened after Mint Eye got blown up. And we got an answer. Sure, calling it After Ending might be confusing because he doesn’t continue from the very end of the Good Ending but it’s connected. Plus we got some part of an After Ending with Lucy.

I understand why people here on Tumblr, who like V, are upset about it because a lot of the After Ending was about Rika. Gonna ask you a question: Were you upset too because most of V’s route was about Rika too? Rika plays a heavy part in V’s life, they were engaged once. We can’t forget about it. Rika is important to V and yes, like Cheritz did, if you want to tell the story between the ‘end of his route’ and the moment he came back two years later, Rika has to play a bigger part than most of you want.

Of course there are things I didn’t like about his After Ending, like the Judge and Forgive system. I was okay with only one ending. Sure, I kind of like both but ... It was expensive to reset the whole thing too. Whatever. There are also things I loved about his After Ending and it’s the closure we got for the twins. I stayed in denial that Ray died back at Mint Eye and I’m glad I didn’t give up hope for him. It was one of the moments I definitely cried a lot. Which leads me to the whole Saeran/V controversial. Let’s just say I’m not a fan of this ship. Have never been, will never be. Yes, I thought the scene between them was gay as fuck but then I remembered what we knew about them from Saeran’s route.

Saeran admired V. He loved him like a father he’s never had before. V was the one who told him he was allowed to name the flower, that being weak wasn’t a bad thing, that he wanted to take him on a trip to take pictures and everything. V gave him the love he needed. Now imagine how Saeran must have felt after Rika’s manipulation, after V had left. Saeran lost his father figure, lost his trust in him and thought he lost the love he got from V before. The love of a parent. I personally don’t think Rika and Saeran were so close, though Rika seemed to be the one talking to Saeran more. I think his bond to V was a lot stronger. And it shows after he got rescued that all he wanted was for V to love him like he used to when he was a child. Saeran realized Rika didn’t ‘love’ him the way he needed and wanted. So, to me, V’s and Saeran’s relationship is more like a father-son one and not romantic. Sure, I don’t blame anyone who ships it but it’s nothing I would ship.

What I do blame people for is being rude fucking assholes. People are complaining they didn’t want an After Ending like this, they stop supporting Cheritz because it didn’t go their way. Guess what? Life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Yes, it was expensive, yes, V was barely in the After Ending. Yes, maybe it’s not like you imagined it. But does it justify your rude behavior to Cheritz?

Not. At. All.

Cheritz is trying to give us more content because the Mystic Messenger fandom is ... let’s say pretty demanding and annoying. All the fandom does is take but when the content we get for a game they created isn’t what you wanted, then you start blaming Cheritz and threaten them to stop playing and buying things. Well. Do it. Stop playing. Stop buying things. But don’t blame Cheritz because you wanted to have the game in a different way. If you want it to, then create your own. Go on. Do it. Think about a story, a whole world, about characters. It’s not that easy, right? It’s a lot of work.

Sometimes I think people forget they don’t own the characters. You don’t own the game. Cheritz does. And what people, who I see complaining here forget about, is the work in the Behind Story and After Ending. Dialogue had to be written, CG’s to be drawn, voices to be recorded. A lot of work got into the DLC and AE and you can especially see it in the work of the voice actors. They poured their heart into it. They acted in a way that made us feel with the characters (and yes, I cried. More than once).

What you do is just whine like a child whose parents doesn’t want to give their favorite candy and when they get another one they pout because they didn’t want it. It’s rude, unrespectful and downright shitty assholish behavior. Cheritz doesn’t have to give us new content. Cheritz didn’t have to listen when the fandom demanded a V and Saeran route. But they did because they love us. Because they see the game helps people with their own problems, let it be to take care of yourself, to eat, to make sure to sleep, ... I can go on and on with this, but I think I might stop here. Can’t wait for people to tell me how shitty I am for telling the truth ;) Go ahead. I’m waiting and go and paint a bit.

#mystic messenger #mysme #v after ending #v after ending spoiler #rika behind story #rika behind story spoiler #saeyoung choi #rika #jihyun kim #saeran choi #jumin han #hyun ryu #yoosung kim #jaehee kang

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dogbearinggifts · 5 years

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Why Didn’t the Other Siblings Include Vanya?

It’s a question I’ve heard often from fans of this show, and honestly, it’s a fair one. Vanya was deliberately excluded from everything—missions, family photos, conversations. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d awake on Christmas morning to find that her siblings had begun opening gifts without her, or get to her own birthday celebration to see that they’d already blown out all the candles on their cake and were in the process of dishing it up. Why? If all of her siblings were treated badly by Reginald, why did they not band together, support Vanya, and stand up to their shitty excuse for a dad?

The answer lies in a deceptively simple concept known as scapegoating.

Of Scapegoats and Other Roles

I say deceptively because it’s probably an idea most people are familiar with. Pick one person, assign them the blame, and let everyone else move on with their lives. Any fan of this show would immediately think of Vanya whilst reading the Psychology Today article on scapegoating, and rightly so. However, as that and many other articles hint, it’s far more complex—and ugly—than one might assume. And it can be difficult to explain, because survivors of child abuse likely never had to articulate it. The scapegoat dynamic was something they knew instinctively without fully comprehending what it was or why it was happening. So, I’ll do my best to explain how it works.

If you’ve heard the term scapegoat, you’ve probably also heard the term golden child. These two roles are opposites. Where the scapegoat receives most of the blame the family has to offer, the golden child receives most of the praise. Where the scapegoat is painted as deliberately evil or a perpetual fuckup or both, the golden child is painted as a hero who can do no wrong. If you’re thinking of Vanya as the scapegoat and Luther as the golden child, then you’re on the right track.

However, between those two extremes is a whole spectrum of roles. Sometimes these roles are fluid, but more often than not they’re permanent and only change when the family undergoes a drastic shift. Maybe the family has a Diego, who envies the golden child and jockeys for favor that will always be out of reach. Maybe they have a Klaus, one whose failures would be enough to make them the scapegoat were it not for the current scapegoat’s failures overshadowing theirs. Maybe there’s an Allison, one who is disliked by the parent(s) but manages to be useful enough to escape punishment; or maybe there’s a Ben, who has everyone’s pity and sympathy and is still miserable. Maybe there’s a Five, a rebel who defies the family’s rules and pays the price.

If none of these roles sound fun to you, then congratulations—you’re on your way to understanding what life in an abusive household is like.

Abusive Parents Ruin Everything

Living with an abusive parent (or two abusive parents, or—in my case—an abusive mother and her Flying Monkey) is like living with a bomb. The bomb has a timer, but it is constantly reset and doesn’t operate by any sort of internal logic. It might say you have 3 days to detonation when you leave for school, but by the time you return it’s down to 15 seconds. The golden child always has the most time before detonation, and they’re sometimes able to buy a few more minutes or hours, but even they’re not shielded from the blast.

The scapegoat, as you might imagine, is the one whose presence is usually responsible for setting off the bomb. Maybe this earns them some pity from their siblings, but there’s also something darker: a sick sense of relief that they were not the ones receiving the brunt of the parent’s anger. You see, the parental bomb operates on different rules depending on which child they’re interacting with. Equal treatment in an abusive household is a pipe dream. The golden child has it the best, the scapegoat has it the worst, and everyone else is just trying to get through the day without stepping on any landmines. If the scapegoat triggers one—well, that’s one less landmine anyone else has to step on.

But what happens when someone defies the family’s roles and treats the scapegoat well? The short answer: Nothing good.

We learn from Vanya’s memoir that Five was the only one to treat her as an equal, the only one who felt like a sibling to her. Although we don’t see much of the fallout from this, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that there would have been fallout, and it would have been ugly. Remember that Five wasn’t just treating Vanya as an equal, reaching out to a broken girl and giving her the inclusion she craved—he was defying what Reginald saw as the rightful order of things, defying Reginald himself. You don’t do that in an abusive household. You don’t defy your parents. You don’t question why your brother gets better treatment than you, and you don’t tell your dad to treat your sister right. You accept it, or you risk earning the same treatment as the scapegoat.

Divided You Fall for Everything

Risk of poor treatment (and perhaps permanent loss of position—for instance, Klaus shifting from secondary scapegoat to primary scapegoat) is not the only reason abused kids don’t stand up for the scapegoat.

Abusive parents are masters of pitting their kids against each other, and the primary way they do this is through selectively limiting the information they have. In Vanya’s case, I think Allison was the only other sibling who even knew Vanya had been locked in a soundproofed room in the basement. From the look on Klaus’ face when he sees her, it stands to reason that he had no idea—his horror, pity and rage are those of a man who just now learned his sister suffered the same fate he did. To that point, he probably believed, along with the others, that she was sick and had to be kept quarantined.

That half-truth changes everything. If you knew your sister was locked in a soundproofed room in the basement for no reason other than that your dad was afraid of her, you’d understand why she emerged broken, and why she later become resentful. But if you thought she had a contagious disease, and was simply kept off on her own for her own good and the good of the family, her attitude upon emerging might come across as downright bratty. You had TB, Vanya! What were we supposed to do, parade through your room sharing your straws? Did you want the rest of us to catch it too?

I have no doubt that Reginald used selective manipulation of the truth in other ways too. Maybe he told Luther that Klaus refused to learn to control his powers, leaving out any of the horrific mortal wounds Klaus remembered seeing on the ghosts who appeared to him. Maybe he told Allison that Diego was always throwing a tantrum about this or that, conveniently failing to mention that his refusal to bend on unreasonable rules was the cause of those outbursts. There are countless ways Reginald could have set his kids against each other, and he would have exploited them all. He would have known, instinctively if not consciously, that if they ever sat down and honestly discussed the shit he put them through, then they would realize they were all victims—and they would band together to unseat him.

They Deserve It And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

There’s one more piece at play here, and this is probably the darkest of them all: cognitive dissonance.

You’ve probably heard that term too, but in case you haven’t, it’s “the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.” In an abusive family, it means stuffing your empathy deep down inside and convincing yourself that your siblings deserve what they get. Even if you know they don’t. Even if you’re not sure. Even if you’ve suffered the same treatment they’re getting. You tell yourself they earned it—because your parents tell you that you earned what you got.

Fortunately, cognitive dissonance can be overcome. We see its beginnings when Allison sees Vanya off by herself in all of the surveillance footage. The sight engages her sympathy, shows her where she’s gone wrong, and inspires her to make a change. We see it again when Klaus and Diego witness her locked in the soundproofed chamber and lash out at Luther for putting her there. They’ve seen the truth, and they’ve realized that things are far worse than they let themselves think. They knew it all along, but they’ve at last seen just how horrific things really were.

Conclusion

The question of why the other Hargreeves siblings didn’t include Vanya is a simple one, but its answer is anything but. And the thing is, it should be simple. Why did they leave her out? Why didn’t they realize how wrong it was? Why didn’t they love her enough?

I think they did love her. But in abusive households, love is never as simple as it should be. Abusive parents don’t make love simple.

And that’s the problem.

#the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #tw: abuse #cw: abuse #meta #long post #luther hargreeves #allison hargreeves #diego hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #scapegoat #golden child #abusive parents #abusive families

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rorykillmore · 6 years

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i think a lot of people on this website hide behind the word “triggered” or the phrase “[x] triggers me”. like i sympathize, i’ve been there, but sometimes - and i’m talking more specifically about things that trigger anxiety and other related symptoms, not like outright ptsd flashbacks and panic attacks - people need to hear “you need to find a way to move past this, or to be able to function around it.” because some people expect to claim that something triggers them and expect people to immediately back off/not question or push them anymore and it’s like... the number of times i’ve also seen people do that and then continue to use it as an excuse to be irresponsible or even downright shitty in the way they interact with other people....

sometimes you just gotta buck the fuck up, anxiety is hard and almost everyone who struggles with it has specific things tied to experiences that make their anxiety worse, but it’s not an excuse for bad behavior

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thatrandomnat · 7 years

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I’ve wanted to rant about this for a long time, and this feels like the only safe place I can, so here we go.

Stop telling victims of abuse or, hell, anyone who gets/got treated like shit by another person, that they should consider their abuser’s feelings before their own. Stop trying to tell people to just assume the best in everyone, and that if someone is nasty with them it’s somehow justified “because you never know what people are going through.” Stop trying to tell people that, “If someone’s being mean to you, there’s a reason behind it because people aren’t like that all the time.” Stop trying to tell people that they are “trashing” someone when they’re just exposing a person’s problematic behavior and treatment of others, and stop trying to make people who expose a person’s problematic behavior feel bad for bringing it to light with any of the above examples I just listed. It is victim blaming, it is gaslighting, and I am so, so fucking tired of experiencing and seeing it. It’s exhausting.

Shitty life circumstances do not ever justify anyone treating anyone else like garbage. Okay, we all make mistakes, and we all get stressed. That’s still no excuse. You sort that shit out like a responsible human being, not a sentient dumpster.

If you are this ignorant and you still have the gall to call yourself someone’s friend, you need to re-evaluate a few things. Why are you friends with this person? Why are you trying to invalidate their experiences/feelings they’ve had as a result of being treated poorly by someone else? Is that “someone else” also your friend? If so, why are you trying to justify their behavior/actions? Is it because at some point in time you also lashed out at someone, or even that same person for no good reason while trying to use x life event(s) as your crutch? If you answered “yes” to that last question, you need to shut the fuck up and stash your misguided advice where the sun don’t shine, because you’re in the wrong, and you’re not being a good friend.

If you care more about justifying someone else’s problematic or downright abusive behavior than your own friend telling you they’re sad because they’re being treated poorly or abused, you’re not being a good friend. If you care more about justifying your own problematic or abusive behavior than listening when your friend tells you the way they’re being mistreated is hurting them, you’re not being a good friend. If you need to use your own life circumstances or events as excuses to justify treating someone like shit, but don’t allow your friend to express their own hurt feelings and side with their abuser/bully because you can more readily identify with them, you are not. A good. Fucking. Friend.

And if your friend tries telling you that your invalidating their experiences or emotions makes them feel like they’re being triggered or gaslighted, and if you call yourself their friend, guess what? It doesn’t matter how stupid or foreign those words may seem to you. It doesn’t matter how little you know. Ignorance is not a fucking excuse here. Ask them to explain, because if you call yourself their friend you should care enough to want to know, and if you don’t, maybe you need to rethink your so called “friendship.”

And if you care about your own pride and self perceived “right” views more than trying to understand that your friend is hurting because of unfair treatment, then you have no right in calling yourself their friend, and you shouldn’t be surprised when they do what’s right for them and fucking drop you and move on with their life, with actual friends.

#abuse #emotional health #emotional abuse #friendship #victim blaming #gaslighting #how to be a good friend #victim shaming #gaslight #emotional manipulation #triggered #triggers

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apurgersdilemma · 5 years

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190308

Rant. I have never hated or held as much resentment for anyone or anything as I do for my family. I honestly can say I hate HATE HATE my sisters (well one in particular the other two are annoying and questionable) and my father. I hate her. Well, it’s a tolerable/hate relationship with her. I don’t love anyone in my family. Never have and never will. And I can say they mirror the same sentiments towards me. This family is honestly fucked up. I have three sisters and I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned that before in a previous post. The one I’m specifically referring to on this post is the third sister and the closest one to me in age. And my God I fucking despise her. Growing up, because we were so close in age, we would often play together. We are we’re just more inclined to be around each other. We shared the same room, were often paired up sitting next to each other, etc. But I guess as you grow older and you become more mature that you realize how shitty a person truly is. How pretentious and condescending they can be just because they can be. How spiteful they’ve become or perhaps hey always were. But looking back in hindsight, maybe the signs were always there and I was too used to being around her to notice all the red flags. Then I noticed how eerily similar she is to my father who I harbor great resentment and hatred for. And I was beginning to feel the exact same way towards her.

I bring this up because she got into a stupid fit with me about how my “tone of voice changes” whenever we talk about so and so. Shut the fuck up, cunt. This really made me upset and at the same time laugh in disbelief because this fucking piece of shit is notorious and by notorious I mean fucking NOTORIOUS for not watching her goddamn tone of voice. The fucking nerve and audacity of this bitchass cunt. Fuck off. Literally. The worst thing about her and this fucking shit of a family is the fact that they never apologize for anything. Never. But I guess that’s my mistake in all of this. I’m a talker. I need to talk about my emotions and feelings and thoughts and I want to reconcile but my family thinks otherwise. Hence why I resorted to blogging instead as a way to vent and whine my frustration away. Did I mention that this is the same bitch, the same fucking asshole of a motherfucking bitch that gave away the cat I was fostering that was helping my mental health and halted my eating disorder? This fucking stupid fucking twat.

I can honestly say without a doubt, without any remorse or regret, that I sincerely, truly, genuinely hate her. Yes, I wholeheartedly do. And it’s not my feelings being hurt that’s making me lash out this way. It’s not my pettiness or my spitefulness or my sensitivity that’s encouraging this whiny bitchy behavior. It’s the realization after so many years. And honestly, it’s eye opening. And it’s kinda therapeutic in the sense that I can nip this toxicity in the bud. Better yet, I should rip the whole thing out of the ground, root still clinging onto dirt and all and throw the shit far, far away from where I am.

I always knew and I’ve written about this multiple times throughout my blog, that I will not be keeping in contact with anyone in my family once I made enough money to move out. And there’s a reason for that. And I still plan on doing on that. Nothing can or will change my mind. Once I pay back for all the help my mom has given me, I’m gone. If she doesn’t want to accept anything from me and only wants phone calls or to see me because honestly, my mom is probably the only person in this unfortunate house that I don’t feel resentment for. I’ll probably will come see her after moving out but I’ll thin out the visits, shorten the phone calls, and then ultimately disappear. And I love the idea of that. End vent. (I feel loads better after writing this)

Onto my ED, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. It’s sickening to see the numbers go up on the scale and on the small notebook I keep, and it’s stressing me out. I also need to buy a new scale, preferably one that is digital. The “smart” kind or something like that. I don’t know if it’s due to water weight or something but I need to revert back to starving. Not even restricting. Just straight up starving. I’m so fucking fat my body can last a whole goddamn week without food for fucks sake. But maybe that’s how fucked up my mind is because my other sisters don’t see the weight gain but that’s due to the fact that they don’t see me naked. I’m the one constantly measuring myself. I’m the one who notices and maybe what I’m feeling is valid. I notice when my thighs or arms feel a little fuller and I especially notice when my stomach is bloated and pudges out. I see it. I feel it. And I know it. So maybe I’m so mentally fucked or it’s all valid. Or maybe it’s a bit of both but either way, I’m starving myself and I’m losing all the goddamn weight I’ve stacked on myself. It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting. How could I let this happen to myself? There’s no excuses and it’s sickening and sad and downright pathetic and I’m going to starve. I fucking hate myself for being so fucking weak.

Every day is a brand new goddamn day. Every day I can restart and not eat. So tomorrow will be another day and I won’t eat. I’ll just drink ice cold water and green tea and starve myself down to what I was before even though that weight wasn’t something I was aiming for but it’s a weight I’m content with and it’s the goal weight for this week. And once I get down to that weight, I’ll lose more to the ultimate goal weight. The one that truly matters. But does anything truly matters when I’m planning on offing myself in the end? Maybe. At least I’ll be thin and dead instead of fat and dead. Or maybe you’ll see it as why does that matter? Dead is dead. For you maybe, for me it’s the security of knowing I did something right. I want to say it’s control but I can’t because ED oftentimes control the person and not the other way around. But in my case, it switches. And as of right now, it’s in control and a couple of weeks ago, I was. But that’s going to change soon. Tomorrow. Because I’m tired and I’m disgusted and I’m fed up and I’m fucking done. Im going to be in charge again and I’ll blog (if I have time) once I’ve lose all of this disgusting fat. The “good” part about my ED (which can’t even be labeled as good but I don’t know how to put it or what word to use) is the fact that it’s more flexible compared to other people with ED. And for that I’m grateful. Mines isn’t as advanced as theirs; it’s intermediate. But goddamn can I feel it advancing every day. But I know I’m stronger than this. This was just a bad two weeks. A treat. But not anymore. Not anymore.

#p39 #night purge #purging words

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