#our depression feels different at different times of year and in the summer it comes with this vague nostalgic feeling

[thethingything]

I have tasks to do but no our brain's too focused on being painfully nostalgic and I also keep getting the vibe that the stuff we got upset about last night is gonna come up again and like, okay yeah I need to process some emotions apparently but can I at least get something done while that happens...

[nightingale2004]

Severus's life if Tobias was an actual decent father and husband headcanons

When he finds out that Eileen and Severus are wizards, he takes a minute to take in the information (i feel like he is more the religious type) and even goes to church.

At first, he was angry that his own wife would hide that from him, but after much time and talking with a reasonable, open-minded, understanding priest, he went home and he and Eileen had a long talk.

He is a hard worker at the factory. He goes to work early but comes home late, and Eileen always makes him breakfast, lunch, and dinner and barely drinks but still drinks every now and then.

After Eileen told Tobias everything, he told her to educate him on the Wizarding world so he could have a better grasp of it.

After Tobias was educated on the Wizarding world, he did not like how relationships like his and Eileen's were looked down upon, which made him worried for Severus, especially when he got accepted into Hogwarts.

Severus still wears hand me downs but he does get some new clothes since they don't have a lot of money.

Tobias would be that husband and father that would glare or yell at someone who gave them looks or said/whispered something about them.

Tobias would not be afraid to fight somebody, magic or not. (YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THIS MAN'S FAMILY)

Whenever Severus comes back and he is acting different, he notices. He knows what being bullied looks like, and he talks with Severus about it

Tobias teaches Severus how to defend himself and shows him a couple of moves he learned in the military (the man obviously served)

Eileen would be more involved in Severus's life instead of being afraid.

When the "prank" happened, they immediately found out and gave Dumbledore h3ll for this. And they immediately pull Severus from hogwarts (but not before Tobias is about to give the marauders an old school a$$-whooping)

Eileen and Tobias transferred him to Durmstrang, where they kept a close eye on him (they are helicopter parents now, and u can't tell me otherwise)

Severus obviously noticed the struggle that his parents were facing, not just prejudice but the money struggle. So, growing up, he would always help his mom around the house, help cook and clean, and even sell some potions here and there. (He sells his potions to Tobias's work buddies)

Severus gives his dad potions to help his health and even casts a few spells on him to help him at work (Tobias even after all these years is still not used to it but is impressed by his son's brain)

When Severus graduated, a lot of potion masters wanted him, but he knew he couldn't afford it. So his parents both worked to scrounge him enough money to pay for his apprenticeship (severus helped, he's not letting his parents do all the work)

Severus's summer job as a teenager was helping out at either his father's factory or working at a bar

When Severus came out that he liked both girls and boys, both his parents weren't surprised. They found out a looooong time ago and had their time to process it. And they learned to accept him and his Sexuality in their own way.

Severus is a potion master, has his own apothecary, and his parents couldn't be prouder. He also has a medical and chemist degree. (So if anyone needs a doctor, he's your guy)

When Eileen passed away, Tobias was distant from Severus, but eventually, he learned to be close with his own son again for his wife's sake.

Tobias and severus visit Eileen's grave every year on her birthday.

After Tobias passed, Severus visits their grave in his free time just to talk to them and tell them about his life.

Severus is happier, calmer, and less depressed but still our favorite Sarcastic sharptounged Slytherin

He wouldn't join the deatheaters unless they threatened his parents. He would protect them with his life

Hope you guys love this little headcanons. Enjoy

[outerbankies]

Lazy make-out kisses

new light: baby blue — rafe cameron

nl masterlist

a/n: a summer check-in on our faves. more pieces coming soon, just dusting off the cobwebs!

“I think I could die here.”

The warm sun is hitting the skin on your back just right, the ocean current is rocking the boat you’d all rented for the day so gently underneath you, and the warm body beneath yours— belonging to your boyfriend—smells like sunscreen and salt water. All of this accounted for, you might have to agree with him.

“I know I could,” you counter, feeling your eyelids get heavier.

Rafe finagles a hand under the back of your bathing suit, toying with the strings. You should tell him to move it around for you so you don’t get a tan line, but it’s far too much effort.

When he suddenly releases the strap, it slapping back into your skin, you realize you’d been ignoring your love.

“What?” you grumble, giving him a devastating pout the second you turn to face him, your chin resting on his chest. You know it serves the unintended purpose of distracting him when his smile starts to slip off of his face.

Seizing the opportunity to dish immediate payback, you dig your chin into his chest until he hisses. “Ow.”

You giggle, adjusting yourself (carefully, with elbows as gentle as can be) until your hands rest on his chest. “Sorry. What were you saying?”

“Was the last time we were here really high school?”

You tilt your head to the side, pretending to think about it. When Margot had made an off-handed comment—that you knew wasn’t actually off-handed by the way she’d shot daggers at a Rafe who was fully not paying attention—about how different things were since the last time you’d all made it to Kelce’s Hamptons house, you’d hoped he didn’t pick up on it.

“Must have been,” you say casually. “We used to come every year.”

“But not since then.”

“Correct,” you confirm, your fingers tapping a pattern out on his chest. You stop to trace a line up to the gold chain around his neck, slipping your fingers under it.

“High school,” he says. He traces the strap of your swimsuit up your back and to your shoulders, stroking, “So that must’ve been…”

You raise your eyebrows in expectation, because this should be good. “Must’ve been what?”

“Well definitely not as much fun as I’m having this time,” he answers smartly, but with a grin mischievous enough that you still swat his chest playfully, rolling your eyes as he laughs into his beer. “What? Not the right answer?”

“To your own stupid fucking question?” you accuse, swiping his beer in a display of dominance. Years by Rafe’s side and you still can’t stomach his favorite beer, but your pride is important enough that you can steel your expression as you take a sip.

“I’m sorry,” Rafe says. “I really hadn’t thought about it until we got here.”

“Jesus. Really?” you ask, resting the beer back on the floor of the boat. 

He shrugs, tucking his hands back behind his head, exposing the pale underside of his arms. You’d worry about the last time he put on sunscreen in a bit, but not yet. “Always knew I wanted to come back here with you, though. When things were different.”

Margot shrieks and you hear Kelce cackle, followed by the sound of a body plunging into the water, almost to underscore how different things really were now, years later.

“I’m glad they are,” you say, feeling your cheeks heat up and not from the sun.

“Yeah?” he teases, willing you to position your body over his for a kiss. 

“Yeah,” you agree, melting into the way his hand finds the back of your neck and the strands of hair at the nape. You lose yourself in the way he presses kisses into your cheek, jawline and neck afterward, words tumbling from your mouth if not to serve as a distraction from the fire starting to burn low in your belly in an arena far too public. “I was so depressed last time we were here.”

Rafe rears back immediately like you should’ve known he would, the skin on your neck where his lips had just been going cold. “You were?”

“Sad,” you amend, shrugging when he’s crestfallen. His facial expression gives you pause, and you realize he has nothing to relate it to. “I don’t think you ever saw me with an ex, did you?” 

“Um…” he trails off, turning to face the water, and you realize your grave oversight.

“Not him,” you say. “At Gretchen’s party that one time, or whatever. He was drunk, I was a mess, I-I—”

“It wasn’t one time.”

Your stomach flips uncomfortably, recalling the weekend at your grandfather’s house in Massachusetts that you want nothing more than to forget but were somehow learning to live with anything. “I mean when Theo and I were together, Rafe.” 

Because it’s one thing to run into Chloe at the grocery store, or meet Olivia at one of his college bars, but it was another to watch it play out in front of your face know you’d do nothing about it.

“I know—I know what you mean,” Rafe sighs, suddenly pushing his sunglasses up slightly to rub at his eyes. “It was the grocery store.”

“What?”

“The co-op, that summer,” he clarifies, his hand resuming its path along your back. “You guys were standing by the case with all of the berries.”

You squint your eyes. “The berries?” 

“The strawberries, to be perfectly clear,” he says. He grabs your hand, interlacing his fingers and squeezing tight. “You guys were buying strawberries and Nutella, probably about to have the cutest fucking picnic Kildare had ever seen.”

The event registers in your mind in a blur, unable to pinpoint the exact day or trip, but maybe the general time period. What you don’t register at all is that Rafe had been there, just across the way. “You saw us?”

He nods before placing a kiss between your knuckles. “I can’t imagine surviving that in my face for more than a few hours. Tops.” 

“That’s just because you hate Theo.”

He grumbles, but you feel the sympathy he’s trying to convey. That to no fault of his own, he’s sorry he put you through anything he didn’t mean to. “Regardless. I’m glad we made new memories. At the co-op and Kelce’s nice ass Hamptons house.”

You giggle and accept his attempt at lightening the mood in stride, reaching again for the beer the two of you have been working on. Rafe fakes offense when you take the first sip, polishing it off and faking throwing it over the side of the boat when he’s finished.

“Rafe Leopold!” you gasp, smacking his chest.

“Someone’s in trouble,” Topper yells from the stern, followed by Blythe’s “ooooh.”

“It would’ve just sank,” Rafe placates, letting you grab it out of his hand anyway. 

“And taken three million years to decompose. Did you learn one single thing at the beach cleanups I led?”

“Was a little preoccupied,” he says, laughing when you smack him again. A boat goes by where yours is anchored, a blip of a song registering, maybe just a pre-chorus. Rafe taps the beat to it onto the skin of your back, and if you listen closely enough you can hear Kelce and Margot laughing in the water still. You can’t think too hard about that, but you know Gretchen is across the deck probably listening to everything so the two of you can dissect it later. 

You stretch out on top of Rafe like you’re a cat instead, lips pressing into his neck when you dig your elbows into the seat by his head. “Big time furniture seller, sold a few desks and thinks he can just do whatever he wants. Pollute our oceans.” 

“It was only two. Two desks,” he corrects, a blush dusting his cheeks over the modest number anyway. “And all of the wood was sustainably sourced.”

“Two desks sold, two more on consignment, plus three tables, with another two custom bookcases on order, a couple hundred Instagram followers—”

“You a fan?” he jokes, squeezing your hip.

“Huge. Number one.”

His entire face blooms red down to his neck, and maybe it’s time to start worrying about that sunscreen for real. That, or Rafe’s embarrassed at you shouting his recent successes. A toss up, really. 

You move to meet his lips one more time before swinging a leg over to stand and retrieve another beer, maybe two this time. But probably not.

[invpulse]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I don't want to contribute to paying for furniture for the house?

1/3/2024, Names changed. Sorry, this is a little long.

I (26) live with three roommates: Kay (22) who is my sister, Sam (22) who is Kay's high school sweetheart and fiancé, and Andy (25) who is Kay and Sam's best friend. All of us are autistic, queer, and neurodivergent in some way or another.

Background info; Kay, Sam, and Andy had had plans to move in together for several years with Andy moving cross country to do so. Kay and I both moved out of our parents house within a month of each other in Summer 2022, with Kay and Sam moving in together, and me moving into an apartment by myself. Early 2023 due to issues with my apartment and landlord and being unable/unwilling to stay there past my lease when it was up in six months, with some encouragement from our mother Kay asked if I wanted to move in with the three of them because Kay and Sam's lease was up around the same time mine was and they were already planning on getting a bigger place to live with Andy when he got here. Due to the aforementioned apartment troubles and having a hard time mentally living alone for the first time, I accepted. We found a small house and the four of us moved in Summer 2023.

Now we've butted heads a good bit the last couple months (especially me and Andy because we had barely known each other before moving in together and we have very different personalities), including a few very loud fights, but we have thus far managed to eventually talk it out and work it out and kept things mostly under control. I admit, there have been times where I was definitely the asshole in situations, but I've acknowledged that, apologized, and tried to improve my behavior since then. Anyway, this ask isn't about all those times.

A lot of my issues in the household stem from my depression and lack of motivation to get things done. A big contributing factor to that is that I am painfully aware I wasn't part of their original plan, and that leads to me not feeling wanted as part of this house. The three of them often do things without me like playing D&D, and hanging out/going fun places without me, while things I want to do with all of them just kinda never happens, like playing a video game or board game with one of them, or going out somewhere fun I want to go. Some of me not being included is completely justified like Kay and Sam's date nights, and some things while they do still sting a bit to be excluded from make sense why (like their D&D games that can get very NSFW, and I'm a sex-repulsed asexual. also being Kay's sister would make it extremely awkward regardless of my sexuality. I only found out about the NSFW nature of their games two weeks ago though), but certain things it doesn't feel like as good a reason for me to not be included or it's not actually communicated to me why I'm not invited to be part of something.

A REALLY big thing that contributed to these feelings I have was the day we got the keys to our house, as Kay and Andy were showing it to me, Kay told me "Just so you know, this isn't permanent. You're going to get your own place again eventually" with a soft deadline of two years because that's when another of their friends graduates college and might need a place to stay after. Over the last few months we have had several conversations about my feelings of being unwanted and Kay has apologized saying that what she meant that day came out wrong. What she meant by that statement was they all want to help me become more independent so that I will be able to move out and live on my own again one day when I'm ready since the first time didn't go so well. They were not/are not planning to kick me out, and the other friend moving in is just an idea that may not even come to fruition anyway. Even if it was partially a misunderstanding and there is no set time I need to be out of the house by, knowing that there is an end in sight has made it much harder for me to settle in because I don't feel like I can get settled since I'll just have to leave again at some point anyway even if that time is literal years away. Sorry if that doesn't make sense but that's the best way I can phrase it.

With all that background out of the way, I'll get back on track now. Kay and Andy have spent months planning on how to decorate the house and want to make the whole first floor (kitchen, living room, and shared craft space in the front room) themed like a medieval tavern. I haven't been able to give much input on how the house gets decorated outside of my own room. I've been trying to at least make my bedroom feel more homey since it's where I spend a lot of my time, but the common areas are much harder for me to feel comfortable and like I belong in because I don't have much control/input in how they will look. Which again, I know I'm not going to be here super long term, so it makes sense but it still sucks.

Now onto the actual situation here. There is a dining table set that Kay and Andy picked out that costs over $400 that Kay said on 12/25 she wants us all four to pitch in to get for the household for her birthday in a couple months. I am hesitant to contribute to this set, because I am not going to live with them forever. Obviously I pay my part to the household. I pay my fair share of rent, utilities, and food (though I will often make mini grocery runs throughout the week and I rarely if ever ask for money I spent back because I feel awkward about asking for money from any of them). I have already contributed towards furniture for the house but that is either things that are explicitly and exclusively mine despite household use (a tv stand I already had, a bookshelf I bought to display my things) and will come with me when I move out, or something that was a gift for someone else but still not ridiculously expensive (a $40 secondhand curio cabinet the rest of us got for Kay as an early Christmas present and various other small decorations for around the house).

There was another interaction today that has me a little upset. We've been thinking of getting a second TV for the living room so we can play online co-op games together. Who pays for the TV, determines who gets to keep the new one and who takes the old one when I leave. If the three of them want to keep the new TV, they're going to split the cost and I get the old one, however if I want the new TV I will have to pay for the whole thing myself. 1 person vs 3 people paying for something just feels unfair to me.

But the dining set feels different because it's a lot of money and I won't get to take any part of it with me when I eventually leave. With the TV I'd at least get to keep it. I feel guilty about not wanting to help pay for it, especially because Kay has said she wants it as a birthday gift, but if it almost feels like I'm just buying furniture for someone else's house. Honestly, I'll probably end up sucking it up and contributing anyway because I really don't like confrontation and tend to keep my feelings to myself anyway, but I just want to know other people's opinion on the situation.

Money has been a growing issue for me lately. I'm the only one with a stable, salaried job (barely pays above minimum wage though so it's not like I'm rolling funds), while Kay and Sam are hourly and Andy is between jobs right now. Like I said, I feel awkward about asking for money from any of them. Honestly I don't mind paying a little extra here and there to help out since I'm not much help with the cooking and cleaning, but the amount I have been contributing with no compensation has been eating away at my savings the last few months and I've been keeping silent about it because I don't want to make them feel guilty about it and make it awkward.

TLDR; I'm insecure and have trouble feeling wanted around by my roommates, and am expected to eventually move out. WIBTA if I don't want to help buy a dining set for the household because I won't get to take any part of it with me when I move out?

PS- If it's not too much trouble, could you please tag @aita-roommates-furniture so I am notified when this gets posted? Tumblr won't let me submit asks from a sideblog. If not, no worries! I'll just keep an eye out for it

What are these acronyms?

[tinyladofladdies]

my testimony 🌊☆⋆｡🪼 (of how i returned to God and truly came to know Jesus for the first time after being a distant believer turned atheist) . . 𓆉︎ ࿔*

Romans 8:38-39 — For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

like many, not all, Christians, i was raised in an american Christian church, knowing who Jesus was my whole life.

from the youngest i can remember, i was attending some sort of church, usually with my nana on my dad's side and then for a bit, with my parents at a different church in town. i attended VBS most summers, went to sports camp at a different Christian church, got to a point where i served the coffee station in my nana's non-denominational church, went to 3 services a week with my other grandma, and as a child, i genuinely loved praying and had a deep understanding of the gravity of what Jesus did for us; i remember as a child feeling genuine sadness thinking of how Jesus died for our sins while being innocent. i loved God.

yet still, once i got to around 6th & 7th grade, i could no longer find myself believing in God. i wanted to believe in something; i attended many sweat lodges with my kaka (grandpa), called myself an "omnist" at one point (someone who believed all religions had an equal possibility of being correct and therefore all religions deserved equal respect). but, very quickly, i started identifying myself as an atheist.

there were many reasons for this; when i was a child, my dad went to prison. i saw drugs all around me, both my dad and my aunt being addicted, as well as other distant family members who i didn't meet, to the point that my dad went to prison for 8ish years and i wasn't allowed to see my aunt anymore for several months. because of my dad's addiction, my mom worked hard, multiple jobs, and i was usually with my dad, and as a young child, felt responsible for my two younger siblings at the time. whether i was with my aunt or dad, i felt responsible for keeping my younger cousin and my two younger siblings at that time safe. there was an unnecessary pressure on me, now that i think back i had a lot go anxiety even as a child, and i know these things added up, because by the time i was 8-9 years old (when my dad went away), i became severely depressed. the first time i physically self-harmed was in 3rd or 4th grade, and i had deep suicidal ideations. i was exposed to things as a child that i shouldn't have been (it's hard to comment on this, because i know i had weird behavior and severe guilt as a young child that was definitely influenced by trauma, except i believe some things happened to me that i repressed because i can't remember). i developed a p*rn & m*sterb*tion addiction still in 3rd or 4th grade, and long before that, sexualised myself as a child. leading up to 6th or 7th grade, my addictions got worse, i was still suicidal and depressed, taking very poor care of myself, and i could no longer feel that there was any God watching over me. so, i became an atheist; i then despised being at church with my nana, i didn't want to stand during the worship music even though, before, i would sing with my whole chest, and i just remember wanting to cry and run out one time because i absolutely did not want to be there and did not want to be standing. one morning, i stayed home from church and my nana got upset with me and told me i could not come to her house unless i came to church with her, and when i told my mom i no longer believed in God, she said i had no feelings or empathy. i say all of this, not because it's easy or to be glorified or because i want my family members to feel any guilt over things they said in 2018; i have fully and completely forgiven both my mom and nana, and my relationship with both of them has drastically improved as well as my relationship with God because of their own faith. however, these things are important to be raw about. the hurt i was already experiencing being added onto made me a stronger atheist, and i know that many people feel the same thing or have been through the same thing, and i want to offer them empathy and hope in Jesus. i don't glorify my trauma or sins, i acknowledge them and how severe they were, but i use this as a testimony to glorify GOD and how far HE has brought me and how much HE has healed me, forgiven me, and saved me from.

from the time i was in 5th grade, i identified as bisexual & pansexual, and from 9th grade to the beginning of my junior year, i identified as non-binary, trans, and every queer label under the sun. i was bisexual, i was lesbian, i was a gay man, i was aromantic, i was hypersexual, i was every "mogai" label that i came across on the internet, i was radically queer and this journey as well influenced my view and idea of God. i was a radical queer inclusionist, i was a radfem/terf, i was pro-choice, i used God's Name in vain and viewed myself worthy to be referred to as a "god," i believed in astrology signs and "vibrations," and the "divine feminine," i talked badly about Christianity while calling myself a Christian, all of these things.

and while some of these sins are at different points in this timeline, before or after i became a Christian, all of this throughout my walk added up to who i am, how i view God and what my relationship with God is like here and now, today.

in the summer of 2019, i moved to california from kentucky with my family after being raised in ky my whole life. i was 13, i was battling extreme intrusive thoughts which caused, yet again, more anxiety and suicidal ideation, and i still did not believe in God.

my family & i lived in hotels for the first month or so that we got out here, where i isolated myself as much as possible, battled my own thoughts, and spent way too much time in my head.

when we finally found and moved into a house, where we still live today, my mom, siblings, & i found a church that is a 5 minute walk from our house. i started going with my family, asked for a Bible i believe the first Christmas we had here, and back then, shortly before and after covid first hit, i took a lot of walks. i would pray. i would ask God for silly signs to prove Himself real to me. i got to this point, and this was now in my 8th grade year (where i dropped out of school due to severe anxiety and developed a horrible reversed sleep schedule...whole other story), where i started believing in God again, but now i felt fear because i believed God was real, but i couldn't really believe. and if i did, i didn't want to follow Him, which made me feel even more guilt; i didn't and still don't know why i felt this way.

i do know, that my relationship with my family was getting worse & more toxic, there was still deep sexual sin in my life, and i was still struggling mentally. i was becoming a worse person to myself, to my family, and to all other people around me. i felt isolated, i felt unreal, i felt anxious, and i felt guilt.

i got a point where i was so delusional and mentally detached that i thought i wasn't even human.

i remember that when things kind of built up, and fights with my mom got worse, and i said or did something i know i shouldn't have, i would just pray; crying & sobbing for hours on end, praying, asking God for forgiveness and help. i think the first time i really repented in prayer was during these times. i knew, and i told God this, that there was something within me that was causing these attitudes, behaviors, and sins, and that i couldn't do it on my own. i wanted so desperately to just act different, be different, be better as a person, and i told God that i just did not know why i couldn't just change myself, knowing that everything in my life was wrong. i just couldn't.

one of the last times i prayed one of these long, desperate prayers, i remember distinctly telling God that i felt like i was too far gone for Him to save me or help me. i don't know if this was a saturday night or a few days before the next Sunday, but i know that the next time there was church, "something" (which i now know was the Holy Spirit), compelled me to go. this was still during covid, church was in different area of the building than the main services used to be, everyone was 6 ft. apart with masks, it was bizarre. but the message that day that stuck with me was "nobody is too far gone for God's love."

that was the exact thing i prayed. and all this time i was asking God for a sign, He spoke to me in the most direct, beautiful way.

as a kid, even with my extreme love for Jesus, i always felt that in order to pray "that prayer," or to even be baptised, i had to get my life together. i had to be kinder, be a better sister and daughter, stop sinning, at least for long enough that i could finally be worthy enough to approach Jesus and tell Him i wanted Him as my Savior.

but for the first time, that lie was undone. i left that service early because i didn't want anyone to see me crying, i cried all the way home trying to hold back the tears, and as soon as i got to my room, i fell down with my head bowed on my Bible and i repented; i admitted everything i had done that had been weighing me down for years, and i finally said the words "Jesus, i accept you as my Lord and Savior."

i finally admitted Who Jesus was, that i believed what He did for me, that i needed God's forgiveness, and that i wanted God's guidance for my life.

now, this was january of 2021 (it's actually funny because for a long time, i thought i was saved shortly after my 15th birthday, but it was actually a month-ish before that birthday, so i literally got my salvation date wrong LOL).

i have to admit, that after praying that prayer, although i felt the peace and presence of the Lord in a way i never had before, i started going to church but i didn't start living for God for a very long time. and even with going to my church, i eventually stopped because my stepdad and i got into a fight where he basically said "why are you even going to church if you're gay?" and while that didn't stop my belief in God, i felt ashamed to pass my stepdad walking out the door on Sunday mornings.

a lot of sin in my life actually got worse after i came to Christ; i was still gay and trans, still sexually sinning with my addictions, still not being the best family member, still being a very toxic person, and still using the Lord's Name in vain and using God's Name in fights to defend things that aren't even biblical.

it wasn't until august of 2022, the beginning of my junior year, that i made the step to start going to church again, to get baptised, which i had put off for so long, and to start taking God seriously. i started going through the verse of the day in the youversion Bible app every morning, i started praying every day and more consistently throughout my day, i started trying to learn more about who God actually is, and i started serving in the kids' ministry at my church. eventually i started attending and then serving in the highschool ministry, i started serving in the choir and greeting team, and for the first time, i really sat down and examined my sins & behaviors; even after beginning to take Jesus seriously, many sins, even sinful thoughts as well as behaviors, continued, and it took a lot of help from the Holy Spirit, a lot of self-control, a lot of mindset & heart attitude change, and a lot of repentance, to get to a point where i knew exactly how God wanted me to live and started putting it into practice.

in the very beginning of building my relationship with God, i felt peace and joy like never before, and thought "why on earth did i never follow Jesus before?" but as with every believer, the enemy started attacking and i had, and still do currently, have to navigate through spiritual attacks; i have slipped and sinned and messed up seemingly "way too far" into my Christian walk, knowingly, knowing what is sin and what isn't. it took me absolutely forever to finally and honestly surrender my false identity of homosexuality & gender identity over to God (and His love, comfort, and patience was so present with me through that long process), it took forever to unlearn things i had been taught by the world or that i had somehow believed (and that unlearning process is still continuing sometimes as i read the Word of God and get closer to Him), it took forever to finally manage my thoughts and temptations, and even recently those thoughts & temptations have caused me to either slip or fall into anxiety.

my testimony is still being written every day, but all of this is a testament of God's EXTREME goodness, faithfulness, and grace.

i have been under severe spiritual attack for the entirety of 2024. there are days when my thoughts seem beyond control, where my ocd presides over genuine interaction with God, where i don't feel God's presence almost at all. i have fallen into a deep depression, anxiety, ocd, and a lot of my passion to live out my life as it is right now has diminished, and that's hard.

but God has been faithfully speaking to me through His Word, through my family, through my Christian friends and mentors. He has been teaching me how to relearn prayer and interaction with Him, His presence and protection have brought peace and encouragement like never before, even when i'm in a dark season where it seems like i should be feeling everything but peace or encouragement.

but God is building me up and preparing me for whatever seasons are going to come next, and all of this is to say, God is real.

God is patient, God's grace never runs out; the message that led me to salvation was "nobody is too far gone for God's love," no matter what you have said or done, how broken you are, Jesus is victorious over every single part of the battle. that message is still true.

God loves you, God is near to you, God's grace & patience are extended to you and me time and time again, and God has a plan for you. He created you to know Him and He will meet you right where you are.

one of my favorite verses (and chapters, really), is the one quoted at the very top of this post, but i will reiterate it time & time again for as long as i live . . .

I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

🫧 ⋆｡˚꩜ : creds . .

dividers: roseraris

[dbnightingale24]

Christmas Wish List

A Johnny Storm One Shot

~~

Surprise @autumnrose40 !!  Okay, so I had planned for this to go with your gift, but as you can tell, that didn’t work out -__- . This is just a small thank you for being there for me all the time, and listen to me cry and vent about any and every thing. Also, I know that things are tricky right now, so I hope this brightens your day a bit! I love you tons and I hope you enjoy it!

Thank you, as always, to @fuckingbye​ for the moodboard and literally everything else that you do. I love you!

Word Count: 11,037 (don’t get used to this)

Warnings: MINORS DNI (18+ Only!!!!!), Fluff, Angst, Bit of A Slow Burn, Drinking, Smoking, Swearing, SMUT, Insecurity, A Bit of Self Loathing, Bits of Depression, Shitty Ex BF...I think that’s it?

Song(s) That Inspired This Story: You’re Here, Where You Should Be

I do not consent to any of my works/stories being posted elsewhere.

~~

You try to get lost in the Christmas music you have playing in your office, trying to block out the music that’s being played from the ballroom down the hallway. It’s not that you don’t want to observe the festivities going on for the holidays, but you just feel that it’s not the best idea.

“You don’t have to keep working,” Susan Storm laughs, causing you to jump just a little as she enters your little office with two drinks in hand. “You should be enjoying the party with the rest of us.”

Or, Mrs. Richards. She doesn’t mind either.

“No, I still have work to do, it’s okay-”

“It’ll still be waiting for you when you get back from your holiday break,” she interrupts softly as she takes a seat at the other side of your desk. “Are you gonna go and see your family?”

“Um, no family to see,” you smile awkwardly. “Parents are gone, lost them in the attack on the towers, and I don’t have much a relationship with my siblings. I’m gonna stick to the tradition I’ve been following for about...six years, now? My friends and I make our favorite foods, have a big dinner, and exchange gifts.” “That sounds like fun,” she smiles, finally putting down the drink she brought in for you.

“You didn’t have to-”

“You work hard, Y/N. I know we don’t always acknowledge it, but Reed and I do see how hard you work, and how you come in earlier or stay later than you have to. You deserve a night of fun, even if you don’t stay for the party, you should enjoy being young. How old are you? 22?”

“You’re kind!” you laugh in disbelief. “I turn 28 this year.”

“Seriously?!”

“Good genes,” you smirk and she laughs.

“Well, no one is going to hold you to all of this work. If you want to, we’d love to have you at the party,” she says with all sincerity before getting up. She looks over on your desk and sees the picture of you and Johnny at the beach from last Summer and smiles before walking away.

The teeth he had pull to get you on that bike. Sometimes, his patience truly amazed you.

It’s not like you don’t want to go, but you’re trying to avoid him. Ever since the night you made a move on him, almost two months ago, you’ve made it a point to avoid Johnny Storm at all costs. It’s not like you didn’t try and stop yourself, but Johnny Storm is just that:

A fucking storm.

However, you didn’t want to be just a notch in his bedpost so, you did the only logical thing your drunk brain could come up with: you ran out of the room like a bat outta hell. You know it didn’t mean anything, so you’re not sure why you keep thinking about it. You were both drunk and said he said some things he couldn’t have possibly meant. Drunk men will do and say anything to get into someone’s pants, and why should he be any different? Because he’s a superhero? Because he’s your best friend? What the hell does that mean to you? Yes, like most women, you think he’s gorgeous and, even though you hate to admit it, you’ve spent more than a few lonely nights getting off to the thought of him and all of the things you’re more than sure he can make you feel.

Unfortunately, for you, it’s so much more than that.

You work for the Fantastic Four, and you have for fours years now. You get to see a side of them that the rest of the world doesn’t, and that’s what made you fall so hard for him. You’ve seen him triumphant and you’ve also seen him defeated. You’ve seen him being the sweetest guy while sober, and the biggest douche while drunk. You’ve seen the temper tantrums, while you’ve also seen him step up and take charge.

You have seen every side of Johnny Storm and you can’t help but love him. You know most people don’t see it (or think it for that matter), or believe it, but he is complex. He struggles with being a son his parents would be proud of (maybe that’s why him and Tony Stark get along so well), while also struggling with his own damn personality. Johnny is a fire by default (superpowers be dammed), and he can’t help but be a little reckless. He’s the youngest and has been spoiled since birth.

He doesn’t know how else to be.

That being said, you don’t know how to turn it off. You don’t know how to not want him. He’s nothing but chaos, but for you? Well, for you, he acts like he’ll move heaven and hell for you.

You don’t know how to stop being in love with him.

As you sip the whiskey neat Susan left you, you wonder how the hell you’ll be able to keep handling this job?

How the hell will you be able to handle Johnny Storm?

**

Johnny’s P.O.V

Why aren’t you here? I suggested this party just for you. It’s not like I haven’t tried to fight what I feel for you, but it’s...you. Of all the people I expected to fall for, you were who I least expected. Then, I saw you that night a year ago, and you’ve been all I’ve focused on since.

“Johnny, this club is beat!” my date whined before she took a drink of whatever the hell I ordered for her. “Lets go!”

“We’ve only been here for five minutes-”

“And it’s not gonna get any better!”

“Let me finish my drink,” I mumbled, irritated that it was taking me so long to get me to what I wanted.

That’s what I get for hanging around with the crowd that I do.

“Well, make it fast,” she scowled and I rolled my eyes.

It’s not like she was wrong. For a Saturday night, at 11pm, it was pretty dead. Of course, she was scouting for new candidates once I got rid of her, and I just wanted to see if it was anything worth revisiting. I was more than ready to leave as I started to down my drink, but then...

Then, I saw you.

“You can leave if you want. I think I wanna stick this out,” I told my date as I saw you dancing and laughing with your friends to ‘If You Dare’ by Jazmine Sullivan.

“Fine,” she huffed before she ordered another a drink.

I should’ve left, because there was no reason for me to stay. We were friends and I shouldn’t have thought of you in that way. You weren’t like the women I usually dated or flirted with, you stayed focused on your work at all times, you had your priorities straight, you had been through enough and didn’t need me complicating things for you.

You looked so happy and content, and it’d been so long since I’d seen you like that. Yeah, that was on me, but it didn’t matter in that moment. You always wore modest clothes, you never smiled like that while working, you were dancing so freely, and you looked like you didn’t have a care in the world.

I tried, but I just couldn’t look away. As the songs kept playing, and the drinks kept coming, you just became more and more carefree, and it just made me miss you even more.

It’s not like I didn’t believe in real love or relationships, I just didn’t believe in them for me. Seeing you in that moment though...it had me seeing things differently. However, if I’m honest with myself, it started long before that, didn’t it?

“Johnny,” Reed called, pulling my attention away from the X-Games on the screen in front of me, “this is Y/N. Be nice to her, she’s going to help with research and also acting as a receptionist.”

“Don’t tell me you found someone to keep you occupied while Sue is busy,” I chuckled as I looked you over.

You instantly froze at that.

“Johnny!” Reed snapped.

“It was a joke,” I sighed, “it’s nice to meet you.”

“Y-you too, Mr. Storm.”

“God no,” I groaned, “Johnny. Please, call me Johnny!”

“Will do,” you laughed softly, “it’s nice to meet you, Johnny.”

Something abut that small, innocent laugh made something stir inside of me. I made that remark about you keeping Reed busy while Sue was away, because you looked like the type of nerd he’d fall for. I won’t lie though, I did think you were cute. Shy, quiet, anxious, glasses that were slightly too big for your face, a beige sweater that was too big for you, and little black pencil skirt. You were the type of woman I would’ve secretly crushed on in High School.

From that day on, you did your best to stay out of the way. You were kind to everyone, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry or get angry, you were always two hours too early and stayed three hours later than you needed to, and you rarely ever asked for days off. The days when you weren’t in the building felt empty.

Lonely.

I think what changed things for me was how you treated me after the incident with the Silver Surfer.

“Johnny?” you called softly as you came out onto the balcony.

“Stay back, I might fuck you up too,” I scowled, grabbing another beer from the six pack I brought out with me.

“You didn’t fuck up anything, Johnny,” you sighed as you took a seat next to me.

That was the first time I ever heard you curse.

“Tell that to Reed.”

“You went after the Surfer because it was your job. You didn’t do this to yourself.”

“I almost killed-”

“But you didn’t,” you interrupted softly. “Accidents happen. Are you headstrong and cocky? Absolutely,” you smirked and I couldn’t help but scoff, “but you’re also a good guy who loves his sister, his friends, and wants to do what’s best for everyone else. It was just a bad day. All of this will get sorted out and it’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do,” you smiled reassuringly before getting up, “I’ll get out of your hair so you can-”

“No....stay...if you don’t mind. It’s nice...having someone to talk to about this. It’s nice...talking to you,” I muttered as I offered you a beer.

We stayed out there for hours, talking about any and everything. That’s when I learned about your family, your awful money hungry siblings, your shitty boyfriend, your love of art, classic and horror movies, and how much you love to cook.

That’s when I learned that I was in love with you.

Fast forward two months and my luck seemed to change just a bit.

“You can’t be here, Tyler!” I heard you snap softly.

“You’re always here!” Tyler responded with a gruff tone that I didn’t appreciate at all.

How the hell could your boyfriend be getting angry with you for doing your job? Especially when he does nothing to contribute!

“It’s a fucking party-”

“Do you not see how many diplomats are here?! This is much more than a party! Deals are being made, help is being asked for, agreements are being-”

“Another fucking night that you’re not home! You’re coming home with me-”

“Let me go!” you almost yelled. “I have a fucking job to do! A job that pays our bills and keeps food in the fridge, since you lost your fucking job! Maybe, if you’d go out-”

“You little bitch! You know that wasn’t my fault! I-”

“You were drunk on the fucking job, Tyler! You got fired because you don’t know how to get your shit together!”

“You think you’re so much fucking better than-”

“Is there a problem here?” I asked as I made my way out onto the terrace.

“Johnny, everything is fine,” you scrambled frantically over to me, “you don’t have to-”

“Who the fuck are you?!” Tyler interrupted.

“A friend,” I warned as my hands flared up.

I didn’t even mean for it to happen, I was just that concerned and angry. God, what the hell were you doing to me?

“Jesus, you’re fucking the Human Torch?!” Tyler snapped.

“TYLER!”

“You need to leave,” I warned as I made my way over to him, “you weren’t invited and no one wants you here. Leave.”

“Johnny-dammit!” you snapped, touching my shoulder only to find my clothes damn near boiling.

“Fucking stay here if you want,” Tyler snapped, his laugh was condescending, “but I won’t fucking be around when you get back to the apartment. We’re done!” he spat as he stormed off.

“Are you okay?” I asked turning to look at you as soon as he was gone.

“I’m...I’m fine, I’m so sorry...you shouldn’t have had to...fuck!” you winced as clenched your fists, because you forgot all about the burn on your hand.

“Shit! Lets get you inside and wrap that up, okay?”

“No...you go back to the party!” you sobbed as you tried to fight back your tears. “You don’t have to-”

“Hey, lets get you inside, get this wrapped up, and have a few drinks, okay?”

“They’re so many people here to see you-”

“Who gives a shit?” I smirked which gained a small giggle from you. “I have something more important to take care of right now.”

You cried for hours that night and it broke my heart. You hide everything so well, all for the sake of a paycheck, that I sometimes forgot how much you had going on in your life. I forgot about the pain you hid in order to keep your head on straight, the stress you cried yourself to sleep over at night, and the anger you pushed aside so you wouldn’t lose yourself in it.

You make it so easy for people to forget, because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone. You don’t want to feel like you’re a burden, because so many people in your life have made you feel like one. I held you for hours, calmed you down, and convinced you to stay in my room that night. Of course, you protested (not wanting to put me out), but I eventually got you to agree when I lied and told you I usually sleep on the sofa anyway.

I didn’t want you crying all alone in your apartment, and if that asshole would’ve been there when you got home, someone was definitely going to get hurt.

And it wouldn’t have been you or me.

From that day on, I found reasons to be around you. Whether it was keeping you company when you stayed too late, or annoying you until you’d agree to go with me to get lunch.

I don’t know why I was so shocked by how funny you were, but you never failed to make me laugh. Whether it was an offhanded comment, your horrible impersonations of reporters who did stories on the Fantastic Four, or you singing some song you loved off-key, you constantly kept me laughing. You didn’t make a big fuss or catch an attitude when people would crowd around and ask for pictures and autographs, you just stood off to the side and waited for me, always asking if I was okay after all was said and done.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” I scoffed as we got back to the building.

“I know that you love all of the attention that comes with all of this,” you said with that smart-ass smirk of yours, “but I also know that everyone has a limit. It’s a lot to be in the public eye all the time and, on top of that, you’re a superhero. I know how loud it can get in ones brain and I just wanna make sure that you’re okay. You know you don’t have to hide from me,” you smiled up at me, with those big beautiful eyes of yours.

Of course I had to hide from you. Everyone else could see what was happening, except you. I went from wanting to be in your space to needing it. You calmed me, as lame as that sounds. That ego of mine, that always seems to grow by the second, always seemed to come back down to earth when I was around you.

“Johnny, just tell her you like her,” Susan smiled one day when she caught me staring at you from the living area.

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Cause women like her don’t go for guys like me. She’s too smart for me.”

“I’m sorry, do my ears deceive me? Johnny Storm thinks someone is too good for him?” Ben laughed as he made his way down the hall.

“You don’t have any fucking ears,” I scowled with an eye roll.

“Just tell her, kid. She probably feels the same way-”

“No, she doesn’t. She couldn’t.”

“She spends a lot of time with you for someone who doesn’t feel the same,” Sue encouraged.

“It’s better this way-”

“Just got off the phone with, Stark,” Reed interrupted as he rushed into the hallway, “he and Bruce have discovered a cosmic disturbance and it’s headed...did I miss something? Why are we all looking at Y/N? Is she okay?”

“This is the guy you chose to spend forever with?” I asked Sue with a cocked eyebrow.

“Trust me, I question it sometimes too,” she muttered with an eye roll.

“What am I missing?!”

“Just let it go, buddy,” Ben laughed, “what’s wrong with the world this time?”

After that, I did my best to stay away. It would’ve been best for everyone. I don’t know how to do relationships, and you deserve someone who isn’t emotionally stunted.

At least, that’s what I told myself.

“Did I do something wrong?” you asked one day as you cautiously approached the kitchen.

“What? No. Why would you think that?”

“You just...you seem far away. You don’t come and visit me, we don’t get lunch together anymore, you don’t stay with me after work anymore...”

“You’re perfect,” I sighed, hating how much pain was in your eyes, “I just figured I was becoming a distraction for you. Plus, I know there have been some rumors that we’re dating circling around, and I don’t want you getting hassled.”

“That’s outside. Even in here, you avoid me like the plague. I don’t know, I just feel like we haven’t spent time together in forever.”

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind. There’s a lot going on.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t wanna bother you with it.”

“Johnny, if there’s something I did-”

“It’s not you, sweetheart. I promise.”

God, I hated how sad you looked and I hated that I was the reason for it, but I really felt like it would be for the best. For once, I was trying my hardest not to be selfish. I buried myself in as much work as I could, I went back to dating random models and socialites, and I did my best to avoid you.

“You’re a real asshole, Johnny,” Susan scolded as she made her way into my room.

“Aren’t you supposed to knock before you start harassing someone?”

“Johnny, you’re breaking Y/N’s heart!”

“Stop being so dramatic. I’m sure she’s fine-”

“Then why did I just catch her crying in the research office?”

“Susan-”

“What the hell is wrong with you? You spent every waking moment with her, brought her flowers, her favorite foods, stayed late with her every chance you got, and now? Now, you’re back to hooking up with the same airheads and getting into dead end relationships!”

“Susan-”

“You finally found someone perfect for you and you’re just letting her go? For what? Because you refuse-”

“SUSAN!” I snapped, tired of hearing all of the wrong reasons I’m staying away. “Just stay out of it.”

“What am I missing here, Johnny?”

“It’s just better this way. She’s better off this way. Whatever she thinks she feels for me will go away.”

“Johnny-”

“Just stay out of it, Susan, and close the door on your way out.”

I could tell by the way her eye was twitching that she wanted to say more, but just nodded, before leaving and slamming my door shut.

It’s not like it wasn’t hurting me too, but I didn’t do relationships. I never knew how. I didn’t want my first real attempt to be with you, fuck it up, then lose you forever and all together.

You’re entirely too important to me, and if we’re going to be together, I want it to be forever.

So, I pretended to not feel your longing gaze on me when I would walk by, pretended that I didn’t hear quiet sobs at night when you thought we were all off doing something else, and I pretended that I wasn’t the loneliest I’d ever been in my life.

In response to all of the hell I brought upon myself, I was more irritated than usual, more times than not I ignored Reed and did what I thought was best (everyone loved that), I went to pointless parties with empty headed people, and I kept looking for comfort in women whose names I didn’t care to remember.

No, it wasn’t the best solution, but what else could I do? As much as I was pissing everyone else off, they didn’t say anything. Everything was fine until I saw you on that dance floor.

“Those things will kill you,” I smirked, coming up behind you outside as I snapped my fingers and made a small flame appear.

“Mr. Storm!” you gasped as you almost dropped it. “I...I didn’t know you were here.”

“Mr. Storm? Really?” I scoffed as you lit your cigarette with the flame I made you. “When have I ever wanted you to call me that?”

“Things are different now...” you trailed off before you took a drag of your cigarette.

“When did you start that?” I questioned, nodding towards the cigarette.

“Um two months ago? Maybe three, I’m not sure.”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing really, just some shit with my siblings, it’s fine. You should get back to your date-”

“She can wait. What’s going on?”

“Mr. Storm-”

“Stop calling me that.”

“No, it’s better if I don’t. I got too comfortable before-”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. I don’t know, I thought we were friends-”

“We are friends. You’re my best friend.”

“Best friends don’t just randomly start ignoring each other.”

“I’m sorry. I was going through something and I didn’t know how to talk about it. I’m back though. I miss you.”

“Mr. Storm-”

“Sweetheart, please.”

“Johnny...that really hurt. You just left and you didn’t-”

“I really am sorry, sweetheart. I won’t do it again.”

“I should get back inside,” you sighed as you dropped your cigarette and stomped on it.

“JOHNNY! OVER HERE!” a photographer yelled as he started snapping away.

“Fucks sake-”

“It’s fine, I’ll head back inside-”

“Let me take you back to-”

“ARE YOU TWO BACK ON?!” another photographer yelled, “WHAT’S HER NAME?!”

“Lets get you out of here,” I growled as I hugged you close, covered your face, and got us a cab.

Once we got inside, you didn’t let me go, and it tugged at my heart more than I thought it would.

“I really missed you, Johnny.”

“I know, I missed you too, babe.”

“Don’t leave me again, please.”

“I promise I won’t.”

From that day on, we went back to how we were almost instantly. You even started inviting me over to your place. Once again, everyone was pushing me to ask you out, but being apart of your life again was more than enough for me. I stopped going out so much, my attitude went back normal (which according to Ben wasn’t much better), and stopped partying (which made Sue happy).

Every night that I had those feelings, I took care of it myself, your name softly leaving my lips every time. If all I could do was want you, that was fine by me. I still didn’t trust myself with you and I had no intention of fucking things up again.

At least, that’s what I told myself at the time. Then, two months ago, I ruined everything.

“Why are you still working?” I pouted as I poked my head inside your office.

“Because there’s still work to be done,” you giggled, not even looking up from the screen.

“It’s 11:30 on a Friday. You know you’ll come in tomorrow and finish up-”

“Maybe I’ll take tomorrow off, you never know.”

“Yeah, and do what?” I smirked as you shook your head.

God, you were so damn cute when you got flustered.

“I don’t know. Go to Ithaca and walk down a waterfall.”

“What the hell?”

“You can! I’ve done it before!”

“You’ll have to take me one day,” I laughed, “c’mon, close up shop and lets go.”

“Go where, Johnny? I don’t feel like going to a club, or a bar.”

“I’ll order us some food, we’ll have some drinks, and we’ll watch a movie.”

“We can do that any day.”

“Yes, but I want to do it today. So,” I started as I pushed myself off the door frame, “lets turn all this bullshit off and decide on dinner.”

“Johnny!” you laughed as I pulled you out of your seat.

“You know you’d rather be hanging out with me anyway.”

“You’re nothing but trouble,” you giggled.

“It’s your favorite thing about me.”

Everything was going fine. We ended up getting Chinese food, drinks were flowing, the conversation was great, and we ended up watching the ‘Philadelphia Story’.

At some point, you ended up in my lap, and I was holding you as if I’d never let you go. Yeah, we’d been drinking, but I should’ve known better than to let it get that far in the first damn place.

“Don’t you want that, Johnny?” you softly slurred as you laid your head on my shoulder.

“What? A bunch of tricks and schemes, and a failed wedding?” I laughed, just as drunk as you were as I brushed your hair out of your face.

“No! To rediscover your true love and make it work!”

“Is that you want?”

“I think I just want to find my true love,” you chuckled as your arms snaked up and around my neck.

You felt like home.

“What about you?” you asked softly.

“What about me?”

“What do you want in a soulmate? What are you looking for?”

“I don’t think I’m soulmate material.”

“Of course you are! Everyone is,” you promised sympathetically as one of your hands cupped my cheek.

I should’ve stopped it right then and there, but between the alcohol coursing through my veins and how bad I’ve needed you, I couldn’t have pumped the breaks if I’d wanted to.

“What would I want in a soulmate? Someone like you, I guess.”

“Someone like me?”

“You’re perfect,” I confessed softly as I met your soft gaze.

God, you looked so beautiful. When didn’t you?

“Johnny, you and I both know-”

“You’ve been everything to me for the longest time. If I were looking for someone to spend forever with, it would be you,” I admitted as I tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear.

In the blink of an eye, your lips were on mine and it felt like heaven. Everything that I had day dreamed of and imagined, came to life in that moment. When your fingers found their way into my hair, I did nothing to stop them. Even with how tight you were gripping my hair, it was still the closest to heaven that I’d ever felt.

“Y/N,” I moaned as you straddled me.

I had every intention to tell you to stop, but it just felt too damn good. Imagine your favorite dream or fantasy finally becoming real.

This was better than that.

“I’ve wanted you for so damn long,” I whispered as I started to trail kissing along the column of your neck. “I’ve needed you.”

“I’m all yours,” you whimpered as your hands traveled down to the hem of my shirt, “I’ve always been yours.”

You broke away for just a second to take my shirt off, and the whimper that left your mouth had me smirking. It was nice to know that you liked what you saw. Once again, somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I should’ve stopped, but the thought alone was too much for me. Instead, I reached for your panties and ripped them off, having to remind myself not to get too excited.

“Johnny,” you whined, “thought about having you like this for so long!”

“Fuck,” I growled into your neck, trying not to get too rough when I bit your neck “you fucked this perfect little cunt thinking about me?”

“So many fucking times!” you confessed with a moan as you ground yourself against me.

There was no way I was stopping.

“Lift those arms, baby. Gotta get this fucking shirt off. I need to see all of you,” I begged with a husk.

And that’s when everything changed.

“No...no, no! What the fuck am I doing?!” you questioned as mortification showed all over your face.

“What’s wrong?”

“This is...this is all wrong! Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you almost sobbed as you got off of me. “Fuck!”

“Y/N-”

“I’m so sorry, Johnny. I have to go,” you sobbed before you ran out of my room.

Since that night, you’ve avoided me like the plague and it’s not like I can be mad at you. I never planned on it going that far, and if it were to ever go that far, I wanted us both to be sober. I can only imagine that you ran off because you didn’t want to be just another trinket.

Another trophy fuck.

Every time I tried to talk about it, you had an excuse not to. Sometimes it was work, other times it had to do with your friends, and sometimes you just told the truth and told me you didn’t wanna talk about it.

I tried to think of a way to make it up to you, but nothing felt right. Flowers felt too small, your favorite food felt like a cop out, and there was no way in hell that you were gonna wanna be alone with me again.I wanted to do something for Halloween, since I know it’s your favorite holiday, but I couldn’t think of anything you’d want to do with me. So, that just left Christmas.

“Sue, why don’t you throw a Christmas party?” I suggested nonchalantly as I sauntered into her office.

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with Y/N not speaking to you, would it?”

“She has nothing to do with this. She and I are just fine-”

“You’re a shitty liar when it comes to me, Johnny. So, don’t try it.”

“I just thought it would be nice. We’re invited to every party, but we’ve never thrown one ourselves.”

There was no way in hell that I was about to fess up and say this was all for you. The last thing I needed was everyone giving me unsolicited advice.

“I’m not buying it, but you make a good point,” she sighed as she sat back in her chair. “I’ll talk to Reed about it-”

“You’re not gonna let him be in charge, right?”

“Just because I’m in love with the man, doesn’t mean I’d leave him in charge of any social event,” she scowled and I chuckled.

“Thank you, Sue. I mean it.”

“Whatever is going on between you two will work itself out,” she promised with a reassuring smile.

I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard on anything in my life, or been so damn stressed. I made sure to have all of your favorite foods on the menu, your favorite deserts, and your favorite drinks. I’m more than sure I annoyed the hell out of Sue, but I didn’t give a damn. As long as everything was set up how you would like it, I didn’t care who I pissed off.

Now, everyone is here except for you. Going to see you won’t help anything, but even if you don’t forgive me, I at least want you to enjoy a party that was built around you.

“Johnny, standing in a corner and pouting won’t help anything,” Susan sighs coming up next to me.

“This is her favorite song,” I mutter as ‘Silent Night’ starts playing.

“Is that why three different versions of it are on the playlist?”

“I wanna make sure she hears it.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“She’s still not here, Sue. Even if she doesn’t wanna see me...they’re a ton of people here and she’s still not here.”

“What happened?”

“It doesn’t matter.” “Johnny-”

“Just drop it, Sue.”

“Well, give it time. I went to see her and, while I can tell that she’s torn, I think she’s going to show up.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I can just tell. When something is right, it just works out,” she smiles before turning her attention back to the crowd, “Natasha! Bruce! I’m so happy you were able to make it!” she beams before walking off.

I pray that she’s right, because I don’t know what took me so long to realize that you’re the only person I’ll ever want to commit to. I know that I can be a real pain in the ass and difficult, but I’m willing to work on myself if it means that I can have forever with you.

I’m willing to do any and everything if it means I can make you mine.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t impressed with the party. All of your favorite foods, you’re more than sure you’ve heard at least four different versions of ‘Silent Night’, every drink option that you love...

It has to be Johnny.

God, why did that night have to happen? Where the hell did your self control go? No, you don’t think Johnny would ever intentionally hurt you, but you also know that Johnny is shit with commitment. It’s not like the man doesn’t try, but you also know that the idea of him being with one person forever terrifies him.

However, that doesn’t change the fact that you miss him so damn much.

You came into the party with the intention of staying out of sight and out of mind, but Ben was in a good mood and pulled you into a conversation about latest research you were helping Reed with until Alicia pulled him away. You tried to get back to your corner of solitude, but somehow, you found everyone wanting to talk to you.

Unbeknownst to you, Reed and Sue had been talking you up. Telling everyone how much they appreciate all the hard work you do, how committed you are to your work, and how your attitude always brightens the mood, no matter how bleak things may seem.

Now, you’re being asked left and right if you’re willing to split your time, if you have any friends that are just as hard working as you, and where you studied Science at (in hopes of finding someone just as dedicated as you). As flattered as you are, you just want to stay in a corner by yourself, quietly scanning the room for Johnny (and whoever he brought as a date), and make sure that he’s happy. For as heartbroken as you’ve been for the last two months, that doesn’t mean you don’t want to see him happy.

Even if it is with someone else.

Sure, you could go and talk to him and put an end to all of this, but that would mean facing him, and you’re not ready for that just yet. Yes, you were both drunk and got swept away, but you don’t know how to handle it the way you think you should yet. The fact of the matter is: you love Johnny Storm. You have been for a while and you had been doing such a good job at hiding it. You’d seen the type of women Johnny fooled around with, and you knew you’d never live up to those standards. Yeah, he remember what he said that night, but he was also drunk and horny. No, he’s not a bad guy, but you’ve seen him play women before by drawing it out even though it was obvious to everyone else that he had no intention of sticking around. You’d like to believe that you were different, but once again, he was drunk and horny.

Accidents happen all the time.

However, you’ve been asking yourself the same question over and over again since the whole thing happened: if you could take any of it back, would you? You come to the same answer every time.

Hell no.

Having some of Johnny was better than having none of him, even if it was only for a moment. So, you told yourself that the next time you see Johnny, you’re going to apologize for your actions, promise him it’ll never happen again, and hope that you two can go back to the way things were.

At least that’s what you keep telling yourself.

After a few more uncomfortable conversations, you’re finally able to grab yourself a drink and make your way back into a corner. It seems silly to be in a corner of a party that seems to be catered around the things you love, but you just feel safer. Being in that room full of high profile diplomats and superheros just doesn’t feel right alone. It won’t feel okay unless Johnny is by your side.

“Why don’t you ever come to any of the parties?” Johnny asked you as he met you outside of your apartment complex. “You’re always invited.”

“Those parties are the last place I belong,” you scoffed as you put on the sunglasses he gifted you last week.

He told he got them for you because he was tired of you blocking out the sun with frames that didn’t suit your face.

“Why do you say that?’

“Cause that’s not me...it’s you,” you motioned towards him.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You constantly save the world, and you’re ‘Mr. Personality’. That whole thing is your scene, not mine.”

“You’ve been huge help on all of those missions-”

“I’m a behind the scenes kind of woman, Johnny.”

“You don’t have to be. You could go with me,” he offered and you rolled your eyes.

“It’s all fun and games until you leave me for some model-”

“You know better than that, sweetheart. I wouldn’t leave you alone in a crowd, especially when I know how uncomfortable it’d make you.”

“You’d wanna be seen with me over some shiny model?”

“You’d wanna be seen with me over some fuckin’ book about space and atoms?” he questioned with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk as you let out a full bodied laugh. “Why wouldn’t I wanna be seen with you?”

“I’m not the kind of woman you’re ever seen with.”

“That’s because the only time you hangout with me is when we hangout for lunch.”

“When else can we hangout? You’re always busy or fucking.”

“We can hangout whenever you want, just say the word.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I mean it, tell me when you want to hangout and we will.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to do.”

“What are you doing today?”

“Lunch with you and then I was gonna do some more research on-”

“It’s your day off!”

“There’s always more work to be-”

“Yeah no, we’re hanging out. Your schedule has just been cleared. I know exactly what we’re gonna do,” he smirked as he pulled you along with him.

“Johnny-”

“Trust me!”

Usually, you hate Summer. You don’t like the beaches in New York, so there’s never one to go to. Sure, you can go to Jersey, but it’s always crowded and such a hassle to get to that, by the time you get there, you’re not even in the mood to do anything anymore. So, you usually stay in and do your best to avoid the heat, which is impossible because the city is always filled with too many people.

Summer hadn’t been something you’d enjoyed in a while.

However, that day that you spent with Johnny was one of the best days you’d ever had with him. He took you to one his favorite sports bars, spoiled you just a bit with new glasses and a necklace that he saw you eyeing while you waited for him to get off the phone with Reed, took you to his favorite casual restaurant for lunch, took you to the MET (you couldn’t tell but it made his heart so full to see you so happy), accompanied you on a stroll through Central Park, treated you to a movie, took you to dinner at Carmines (how he knew you’d always wanted to go is something you still don’t know), and ended the night with riding you around on his motorcycle (which only took about 20 minutes worth of convincing).

“See? I’m pretty fun to hangout with,” Johnny smirked as you both leaned against his bike, looking out at the view from the Brooklyn Bridge.

“I had the best day I’ve had in a while,” you smiled, laying your head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry about some of the hell we had to deal with today. The paparazzi and the fans-”

“It wasn’t terrible,” you shrugged. “Yeah, I was completely out of my comfort zone, but I felt safe with you.”

“Yeah, hanging with The Torch has the effect,” he said smugly and you burst out laughing.

“Never refer to yourself that way around me ever again,” you breathed once you finally caught your breath. “It has nothing to do with you being ‘The Human Torch’. I just feel safe with you...I trust you. I always have.”

“Yeah? Enough to go to one of these parties with me?”

“I will go to a party with you, I promise,” you giggled.

“Ready for me to take you home?”

“Lets stay here just a little bit longer?” you begged softy.

“We can do whatever you want, sweetheart.”

You wish you could just go back to that night. Everything was simple, and the both of you were so happy. Now, it’s all a fucking mess.

“Hey,” a familiar voice says softly from behind you. A voice you’ve missed more than you’ll ever be able to put into words.

You told yourself that you’d be gracious about the whole thing that you’d talk to him like an adult. Yet, the second you feel his breath on the back of your neck, you take off running like a deer in the headlights.

In fucking heels no less.

“Y/N! Please!” Johnny yells running after you.

Why are you running? There’s literally no reason to. It’s not like any crimes were committed and you didn’t murder anyone. All you did was almost completely give yourself to the one person your heart burns for.

No big deal.

You’re quick to get inside your office and start pacing, taking deep breaths as you try and calm your nerves. Why can’t you calm down? You can do this! You’ve talked to Johnny about so many things that were much more difficult than this, so what is the problem? You just want him back in your life, so you need to stop hiding from him (literally), and grow up.

“Wh...when the fuck did you...become a fast...fast runner?” Johnny breaths as he leans against your door.

“I’m sorry...” you mumble, toying with fingers and looking at your feet.

“Can you please talk to me? This is insane! It doesn’t have to be like this!”

“I know and I’m sorry, I really am. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about everything, but its turning out to be a lot harder than I thought.”

“Why? Yes, things got...heated, but we’ve always been able to-”

“We’ve never even kissed before, Johnny. That night...it’s not the same.”

“We’ve talked about more complicated things than almost hooking-”

“Johnny, I love you. I am so in love with you and I...I had planned on keeping it to myself, because you don’t do relationships, and that’s fine! I was fine with how we were, but then we kissed and said things...my panties came off...I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but it’s hard, because now you know. I made the first move, I said what I said...I wanted to talk to you, but I just couldn’t be around you yet,” you finish softly.

Wow, that came out a lot easier than you expected.

Since he isn’t responding you keep going, “I’m happy to just be your friend, Johnny. You’re always going to be my best friend, but I know we can’t be together, and I can’t take seeing you with other women yet and-”

“Why not?”

“Why not what? Why can’t I take seeing you with other women? Johnny, I just told you I’m in love with you-”

“No, why can’t we be together?”

“Is that a joke? You don’t-”

“I can-”

“Johnny-”

“For you, I can do anything,” he promises sincerely as you finally meet his gaze.

“Lets not do this-”

“I love you, Y/N. I love you and I have for a while now. I’ve had a crush on you since I first saw you, and the more I got to know you, the more all of it spiraled out of control. Why do you think I stayed away for those four months? I was trying to get over and distance myself from you, because I didn’t want to fuck all of this up. I didn’t want to ruin your chances with someone else by breaking your heart. I really did my best to leave you alone, but I was miserable without you, which I think speaks volumes about how much I love you. Even with Raye, which we both know it’s because of me that didn’t work out, I wasn’t all that broken up about it. Yeah, I hated that I hurt her, but you saw how quickly I bounced back from that. I can’t bounce back from you, Y/N. I can’t and I don’t want to.”

“Johnny-”

“I’m loneliest when I’m without you, I’m constantly in a shitty mood when we’re not speaking, whenever I’m out fighting to save the world I’m only thinking of saving you, your laugh is my favorite sound in the world, I listen to your voicemails when we’re not talking because it’s the only thing that soothes me, your touch is what I crave more than anything else in the world, I’m lost when you’re not around...I am so insanely in love with you. I love you to the point that it hurts.”

“Johnny...”

“If you don’t want this, that’s fine, but I think you do. I think you want this as bad as I do,” he states softly as he makes his way over to you.

“You don’t...you don’t like relationships. You said so yourself that they’re just not for you because you don’t wanna be chained to someone-”

“That was before and it was stupid for me to say that. I don’t know, I just...I don’t feel like that with you, sweetheart. If you want me to stay away, I understand and I’ll do just that,” he promises softly as he stands in front of you.

“I...I didn’t say that,” you confess, looking down at your fingers.

Using his forefinger, he gently lifts your chin so your gaze is on him, “tell me what you want.”

“I want to believe that you want this, because it’s all I’ve been thinking about for a while and...I don’t believe you’d ever hurt me, but I know you, Johnny. I know...how you act and that commitment scares you and I don’t want to be-”

“I wouldn’t say anything if I wasn’t serious about this. Serious about us.”

“Johnny-”

“There’s no one on this planet, or the others for that matter, that I find more beautiful than you. No one gets me like you do, no one cares for me like you do, no one...loves me like you do, Y/N. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t look at anyone else, and I’m never gonna love anyone the way I love you. You’re the only person I’ll ever want to commit to and that’ll never change.”

“Say it again,” you beg softly as he leans in closer.

“You’re the only person I’ll ever want to commit to,” he breathes softly, his face a mere few inches from yours, “and that’ll never change.”

Before you have a chance to think of an argument, his lips are on yours and you’re gone. Yes, you still have your fears and reservations, but you miss Johnny. You already missed him when you weren’t around, but now that you’ve kissed him and felt his hands all over you in that way, you crave it more than anything else in the world.

You crave him.

“Johnny,” you moan as he kisses down your neck.

In all honesty, you wanna tell him to stop, but you can’t seem to form the words or remember why. Instead, you wrap your legs around him as he picks you up and places you on your desk. What’s the point of stopping anyway? You believe him and it’s starting to become very clear that you two are no longer able to keep your hands to yourselves when along together.

“I fucking missed you,” Johnny growls, hiking up your skirt then ripping off your panties, “never letting you go again.” “Fuck!” you gasp at the feel of his thumb on your clit.

You’re more than sure the warmth flooding through your body has nothing to do with his power.

“So fucking wet already? We’ve barely gotten started,” he smirks teasing your cunt with his fingers.

“Pl...please,” you whimper softly, “dreamt of this for so long!”

“Tell me what you’ve dreamt of,” he coos as slowly sinks two fingers into your desperate and greedy cunt.

Right now, you love him just as much as you hate him for torturing you.

“Having...having you all to myself, loving me, pulling me...apart, oh my God!” you cry out at the feel of him curling his fingers. “John...Johnny please!”

“Tell me more,” he pushes, picking up his pace just a little, applying just a bit of pressure to clit, which only makes you cry out in pleasure as you start grinding yourself against his fingers. “You’re a fucking dream, babygirl. Tell me!”

“Fuck! I’ve thought about...oh Johnny,” you moan, lulling your head back as you feel a warm sensation on your clit, kicking shoes off and curling your toes.

“Never thought I’d ever have you like this, baby. So fucking perfect, baby. Gotta tell me more or I won’t let you cum, and I can tell just how bad you want to by the way this pussy is squeezing my fingers,” he chuckles, easily sliding in a third.

“Jesus!”

“No, just Johnny,” he teases as he picks up his pace. “C’mon sweetheart, be a good girl and tell me more!” “Aht! I’ve...I’ve been dreaming of you on your knees eating my pussy while fingering my ass, want...wanna taste you so fucking bad, Johnny!”

“Fuck,” he growls, no longer teasing you, and you can tell he’s desperate to give you whatever you want. “Keep going, babygirl!”

“Dreamt of you fucking me hard and fast, claiming and making me all yours! I wanna feel you so deep inside my pussy, baby!”

“Give it to me, sweetheart! Be a good girl and cum hard for me!”

Your body has been ready to obey anything Johnny has to say for years, so you’re not surprised that you squirt hard on his fingers as the words leave his mouth. You’d be embarrassed, but you’ve wanted this for so long that you just can’t be bothered to feel any shame. All the cards are laid on the table now, so he may as well see every side of you.

Not just the parts that are work appropriate.

Johnny grips your neck with his free hand before puling you upright and crashing his lips into yours, “who knew my perfect girl was so filthy?” he broods once you two break apart, still fucking you through your high.

“Need you, Johnny! Please!”

“I’m gonna take care of you, baby, I promise,” he smirks, removing his fingers and bringing them up to your lips, “open.”

Keeping your gaze on him, you open your mouth and stick your tongue, your pussy clenching around nothing at the feral growl that leaves his mouth.

“Suck ‘em clean, sweetheart,” he commands, as he gets down on his knees.

You feel his breath on your core when you remember, “not here!” you mumble around his fingers. “The cameras!”

You hear him mumble incoherent against your folds and you whine in pure want, needing one of you to come with a solution fast. Thankfully, Johnny’s on his feet almost instantly, taking your hand in his while he removes his fingers from your mouth, and pulls you along with him.

“Follow me, sweetheart,” he broods, practically jogging down the hall.

At least he’s just a desperate for you as you are for him.

He pulls you into the elevator with him, hits a button without even looking at it, before pinning you against the wall and kissing you passionately. One of his hands snakes its way up your skirt, and you moan into the kiss as he starts fucking you with two fingers.

“They’re cameras in here too,” you giggle with a breathy moan as he starts biting and sucking on your neck.

“A little making out in the elevator never hurt anyone,” he smirks before licking the spot he just bit.

“And how about getting fingered?”

“They can’t see that, sweetheart,” he whispers in your ear before biting the shell of it.

Johnny Storm is gonna be the death of you.

When the elevator finally arrives at the floor he selected, you whine in protest when he removes his fingers, and is pulling you out of the elevator. In almost no time at all, he has you pinned against his bedroom wall and is kicking his door closed before getting on his knees.

“You don’t know how much I’ve gotten off to the thought of eating this perfect little pussy, baby,” he groans before licking your clit.

This must be what heaven feels like.

“Oh my fuck...Johnny! Yes!” you cry out, running your fingers through his soft brown locks, gripping them tight before grinding your your pussy against his face.

He easily slides two fingers into your soaked cunt, curling them as they give you a warm sensation. When you feel his lips pulling on your clit, you lull your head back and hike your right leg over his shoulder, granting him better access to your greedy cunt so he can fuck you deeper. His free hand travels up your side, finding yours, and he entwines his fingers with yours.

The small gesture makes your flutter and fall in love even more.

“I love you so much...Johnny! Need to feel you, please!”

Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas, or maybe it’s because he’s just as desperate as you, but your pleas doesn’t fall on deaf ears. He starts licking and sucking on your clit with such ferocity, you won’t be surprised if the whole hears you as you yell his name, a euphoric cloud washing over you as you coat his fingers and lower half of his face with your desire, gaining a grunt of approval from him as he fucks you through your high.

“I will be back down here tonight,” he promises as he kisses his way up your body, unzipping your skirt and letting it fall freely to the ground, “ but right now, I wanna get lost inside of you.”

“Please,” you whisper once he’s on his feet again, unbuckling his belt as quickly as you can.

“You sure you want this, sweetheart?”

“Too late to turn back now, and I don’t want to. I love you and I want this with you, I want everything with you.”

“God, I’ve waited so long to hear you say that,” he smiles before crashing his lips into yours.

Clothes come off easily, and they’re no sounds other than the desperate and hungry kisses you both are giving one another. His skin is heated and his touches are soft and, for the moment, you can’t remember what the hell you were so afraid of. Being here with Johnny, like this, and having him all to yourself is all you’ve ever wanted. You know the fear will come back later when all is said and done, but with the way he looks at you, the way he holds you, and has always looked out for you, it’s hard to believe that he would ever hurt you.

It’s hard to believe that this isn’t meant to be.

“Lay back, baby,” you tell him breathlessly as you softly push him back, “I’m gonna take care of you tonight.”

“You are nothing like I imagined,” he smirks and you laugh softly.

“Is that good or bad?”

“So fucking good,” he broods as you dip down lick the tip of his heated length. “Fuck,” he sighs as he grips the sheets.

“Just relax, baby. Let your good girl make you feel good.”

No, giving Johnny Storm (aka the Human Fucking Torch) a blowjob probably isn’t your best interest, but you’ve dreamed about it too long to not do it.

You smooth your hand over his abs, your pussy clenching around nothing as you try and figure out how you got so lucky, while you’re hand strokes him in an attempt to prepare yourself for his size and length.

“Just relax,” you coo before finally getting your mouth on him, moaning in satisfaction at the taste of him.

“Shit! That’s it, babygirl! Fuck, just like that!” he moans as you start to take as much of him as you can.

Your movements are slow at first, taking more of him bit by bit as you relax your throat to accommodate him, falling in love with the way that you’re making squirm beneath you and breathe heavy. Once you’re finally able to fully accommodate him, you’re unable to to control yourself when you pick up your pace as your hand starts to play with his balls.

“FUCK Y/N!” he proclaims, eyes clenched shut as he tries to control himself.

You run your hand over his his abs in an attempt to calm him, but it’s useless because you’re too worked up yourself. You turn your gaze up towards him to find that his gaze on you is intense and heated. In fact, you’re more than sure you see a little orange tint around his eyes, and it only turns you on more to see how much you’re playing with fire.

Literally.

“Not gonna....fuck, I’m so....FUCK!” he exclaims, filling your mouth to the brim, bucking his hips a little as he fucks all of it into your mouth.

You ignore the desperate longing between your legs as you do your best to swallow everything he has to offer, wanting to make sure you don’t miss a single drop.

“You okay?” you smirk once you’ve cleaned him to your satisfaction.

“I need to be inside of you right now, get your ass on top of me,” he growls as you giggle.

“Tell me what you want and I’ll do it,” you promise as you straddle him, rocking your hips against his, your soaked lips dragging along his cock.

“I want you to do whatever you want...whatever will make you happy, sweetheart. I’m yours to use however you want,” he moans as his hands start to travel up your body.

“I want to make you as happy as you’ve always made me,” you moan, adjusting yourself so you can align him with your entrance. “I wanna show you just how much I love you...SHIT!” you cry out once you start to slide down on him.

You’ve never been so full and you’re not even half way down.

“Oh my GOD!” you whimper, loving the delicious burn of him stretching you. “Fuck!”

“Never had a cock this big before, sweetheart?” he questions with a cocky grin, with his mouth slightly agape.

“N-no, but...I can t-tell you’ve never been in a pussy t-this tight!” you moan, finally settling against his hips.”Tell me how good it feels baby,” you moan, pressing your hands against his chest, the hairs a welcome comfort as you dig your nails into his pecs.

“Fuck, best pussy I’ve ever been inside of,” groans as he grips your hips tight, the heat radiating from his hands sending you closer to release. “Thought having you like this to myself for so long, and God, you’re better than any fucking fantasy that I ever came up with...fuck! That’s it, baby!” he encourages as you pick up your pace, rolling your hips against him. “So fucking beautiful!”

“S-so fucking close!” you whine, clawing at his chest, finding that spot deep inside that only ever seemed to exist when you used your vibrator. “Aht, aht! YES!” you cry out, squirting hard as you try and ride out your high.

You’re only left in charge for a second before Johnny wraps an arm around yourself, and sits upright which only pushes him in further.

“FUCK!”

“You are the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen, did you know that?” he broods, gripping your hips before starting fucking into you relentlessly.

“Johnny! Please...feels too good!”

“I’ve been watching you for so long, imagining what it would be like to be worthy of you...your love...fuck, the way this cunt squeezes me!”

“Never felt this good!”

“Gonna spend all night showing you just how much I love you...how much I’ve needed you,” he mumbles into your chest, before taking one of your nipples into his mouth and licking it.

“Fuck!” you gasp, running your hands through his hair as you try to hold on, still tying to recover from the last orgasm.

His tongue is deliciously vicious against your nipple, showing no mercy at your desperate whimpers and pleas, not even when tears start forming in your eyes. You’ve never felt this good in your life, and while you’re more than sure you’ll be sore tomorrow, it’ll be more than worth it. You’ve been waiting for this forever and there’s nothing that could make you regret it.

You’ll never regret giving all of yourself to him.

“Mmm Johnny! Too much!”

“I know you can give me more,” he encourages with a husk, looking up to see you in your blissed out state. “You’re fucking gorgeous,” he groans, his skin getting just a bit hotter, sending you over another euphoric waterfall.

At some point, you’re going to need to remember to invest in aloe.

“Ya know, I don’t think my bed has ever been this wet,” he chuckles, before getting you on your back and starting to fuck into relentlessly. “I think I wanna make this a nightly thing,” he husks, entwining fingers with one of your hands, while the other is planted firmly by your head.

“Oh my GOD!”

“What do you think about that, babygirl? Hmm? Be my good girl during the day....my filthy, desperate little thing at night?”

“Johnny...” you sob, that knot in your core tightening again.

He dips down and whispers against your ear hotly, “I think that’s exactly how it should be. Cause you were made for me, just like I was made for you.”

You feel your legs start to tremble as another orgasm starts to build, and you truly wonder if you’ll be able to last the rest of the night after this one.

“C’mon babygirl, I need it. Please,” he rasps into the crook of your neck as his movements become erratic.

“Too much! I...I...FUCK!”

“Y/N!” he shouts as he fills you with his seed, you squirting on his cock, only soaking the bed even more.

As you fade out of consciousness, you try to remember if you’ve ever felt so full and loved in your life, and you’re pretty sure you haven’t.

“You okay, sweetheart?” you faintly hear him ask, and you only have enough energy to nod. “Did I take it too far for you?” he chuckles and you giggle.

“No baby, I just need a minute, “ you smile up at him. He dips down and starts peppering kisses all over your face and you start laughing, “don’t tell me that you’re a giant softie underneath that giant ego of yours.”

“You know it’s only for you. Its always only ever been for you,” he groans as he pulls out, before laying down beside you and pulling you close.

“And why is that, Johnny Storm?” you question as you lay your head on his chest, feeling secure and like you’re loved.

“Because I love you.”

“Say it again.”

“I love you,” he chuckles before kissing the top of your head.

“I don’t know if I should even bother giving you the actual Christmas gift I got you,” you smirk as you start to press soft kisses along his chest.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” he sighs, and you can tell he’s getting worked up all over again.

“Hmm? Why’s that?” you ask, propping yourself up on one arm, while the other softly stokes his chest.

“Because,” he starts, cupping your cheek and stroking it gently, “you were all that I wanted, and it’s been that way for a long time now, Y/N. You were all that I had on my Christmas wish list.”

~~

taglist: @autumnrose40​, @fuckingbye​, @emerald-evans​, @maroonsunrise83​, @whxre4cevans​, @sweetflowerdreams​, @whiskeytangofoxtrot555​, @companionjones​, @pono-pura-vida​, @nomadstucky​, @mazda098​

[a-freemaniac]

Doctors, friends, husbands.

My visual mind palace.

I'm new at this so please be patient with me and let me know if I can tag you in the future or not.

Your wish is my command:)

My first book of the Doctor series arrived this week and another one will come by the end of the month.

As a librarian I care a lot for books much more than digital reading and the German company who print PDF's into books is surely happy about their returning costumer:)

Here are the explanation link:

I also love nothing more than inventing a whole world attached to an AU story.

My teachers used to say I had way too much imagination but decades after finishing school it came in handy.

My mind allows me to create a world I enjoy as much as watching the series years ago.

Sometimes even more.

Here is my personal chart for Jill Ballier's and 7PercentSolution series:

" YOU GO TO MY HEAD " PART I

I let the company print my favourite stories from the 22 part series which make each book heavy and around 900 pages.

If you haven't read the series here is the link:

This series means as much to me as the original BBC show because besides it's great and high quality it gave me inspiration to work through my depression this summer and most of all it shows a Sherlock I can relate to.

Sherlock and all his issues and what others ( except) him would call a disability are so well described and shows his strength and weakness in equal measures and his constant fight for himself and John and often we see that Sherlock simply feels too deeply and get easily hurt.

John is equally greatly described!

His patience, loyalty and sometimes temper ( in normal actions and situations) is certainly another highlight.

And makes you love the character even more than before.

But even the characters you can't relate or won't are so extraordinary largely scaled and considered from different psychological angles that you can't stop thinking about.

Not an easy read and some chapters are triggering but important to understand Dr. Holmes and yourself.

You can't explain going through the rain without getting wet:)

Dr. Holmes and Dr.Watson are so real for me as the detective and his blogger.

The character analyses in this stories are exceptional and I go through all kind of emotions every time I'm reading it.

That's why I love to create their own visual world.

More imaginary characters can also be found in Jill's charts.

They are brilliant please don't miss them!

I definitely share her imagination of the parents and Joanna.

Maybe my little overview can support your own sweet mind palace filled with our gorgeous and clever doctors.

Review Part I and II will be uploaded here shortly.

Personal note:

Thank you Jill and 7 percent for your support! It means the world to me.

And thank you Steph and everyone who encouraged me and is patient enough to read my babbling and for every follow and interaction ❤️❤️

@jbaillier @7-percent @helloliriels @keirgreeneyes @inevitably-johnlocked @alessiapelonzi @discordantwords @dizzyone55 @drummingcupcake @fullyouthwerewolf @greeneyed-thestral @gaypiningshit @gingersnapbandersnatch @holmesianlove @hisfavouritejumper @hellfridge @im-sherlock-ed @immaculate-benediction-batch @iheardyou @johnfuckingwatson @johnlockiseverywhere @love-in-mind-palace @missdeliadili @masterofhounds @neinknives @onesmallfamily @purplesherlock @sherlockspeare @sherleck @tendalee @violincameos @watsonsdick @gaylilsherlock

[silverskye13]

7, 19 for the writing asks? :o

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

Honestly, most of my joy comes from the satisfaction of making something. I'm a deeply creative person. Making stories is how I entertain myself, how I process emotions, how I explore difficult problems. As a kid, when I mostly read and didn't write, reading brought me that catharsis. Now as an adult, both reading and writing, I get both the catharsis of exploring things deeply personal to me, but also the satisfaction of making something I would feel happy reading. :3

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Oh gosh. I started ages ago. My earliest memories of writing involve sitting down at an old Windows 98 computer with my sister on summer break, and taking turns passing the keyboard back and forth. We started writing because we kept making stories with our beanie babies, and started to run into consistent themes [or as consistent as a pair of 6-8 year olds could get anyway]. Then I found a lot of reasons to write, and a lot of different people to write with.

There have definitely been bumps! I stopped writing when I graduated high school, because I thought I needed to choose between art and writing, and at the time I chose art. Then later I went through some big depression slumps that made me feel like all creation was pointless. I've! Gotten better. But I still struggle with feelings of... Futility? Like I'm doing something that doesn't matter and will never matter, even though that is demonstrably not true.

Right now I am crawling back out of one of my futility fugues. Starting to get into the swing of things again. The art of creation babey! It's worth it! Let's go!

[itsclydebitches]

Since Ruby took like, ten second of self-doubt and some major (but overall shor) torture before just committing suicide, I can't help but think she must have had these feelings for years, buried deep down. It's eitehr that or the Ever After massively amplifies feelings. Or the writers are just hacks who cannot hack it. Thoughts?

I'm 95% "The writers don't know how to tackle a subject this sensitive and gave us such an extreme reaction for the drama" and 5% "There's a little evidence to suggest that this has been plaguing Ruby for at least a couple of days, but that still requires the audience to basically headcanon a conflict that never truly existed on screen." I say there's a little because Ruby was obviously stressed during Volume 8 too (which, again, only covered about 48 hours), however, I don't think that serves our Volume 9 arc well because:

Ruby is concerned with totally different stuff now. In Volume 8 she was upset over the confirmation that Salem knew Summer and the theory that she killed her as a result of her grimm experiments. Ruby is also frustrated that they rejected Ironwood's plan, but for two-ish days no one was able to come up with something better: "Then nothing has changed! We’re in the exact same spot we were yesterday. Arguing what to do while the Kingdom waits to die." While certainly connected to the overall repetition of Ruby throwing herself into situations that she then can't easily resolve, it's notable that she's not upset that she hasn't come up with a solution, but that the group hasn't. This is not presented as Ruby buckling under leadership because, frankly, no one is expecting her to lead. She chooses to make choices like starting the Ace Ops fight, but beyond that she's looking to others to problem solve, as Jaune, Oscar, and Ozpin do by Volume's end. So Volume 8 gives us "I'm crumbling under the knowledge that Salem killed my mom and I'm annoyed that we, as a group, haven't solved this horrific, time-sensitive problem." Then Volume 9 gives us, "I'm not thinking at all about Mom - look at me give up a keepsake of hers without a second thought! - and I'm crumbling under this sudden belief that everyone has always demanded that I solve all our problems." It's hard to say this has been building for a long time when what Ruby is stressed about keeps changing from Volume to Volume, even episode to episode. We start Volume 9 with her faltering due to Penny's death, but her breakdown comes about due to leadership. It's all too muddled to say this has been a years long problem in the making.

Much more simply, my second issue is that Ruby (like many other characters) doesn't keep consistent in her emotions either. Not just about what she's upset over, but her actually being upset. Volume 8 presented her mini-breakdown as something Ruby overcame - she gets upset on the staircase, but then they do come up with a plan and save "all" of the Kingdom, acting confident in their execution of this rescue - and though there's a major setback in regards to them falling/losing the Relics, Ruby only takes a second to cry about that then she becomes a part of Volume 9's early gags. Yes, her depression increases as the Volume goes on, getting more extreme the closer we get to her drinking that tea, but considering how much she's fluctuated and that her time in the Ever After has only been a day or so... that's too much too fast to justify her suddenly attempting suicide. All told, the content with ANY evidence from Ruby's depression covers about 4 days, maximum.

So yeah, I think RT massively dropped the ball on this one, though as always this is an easy situation for fans to project on. Anyone happy with RWBY's writing can easily headcanon that yeah, she's been feeling these emotions for an age - she must have because otherwise the suicide attempt doesn't make sense and RT wouldn't write something that doesn't make sense. See how that logic works? - and every moment that's even somewhat relavent can be re-read as a supposed buildup, regardless of what Ruby was upset about or whether she was presented as bouncing back almost immediately.

Plus, the nature of mental health means that ANY characterization technically fits. Ruby is bubbly all the time? Well, people with depression learn to hide it and overcompensate. Ruby appears to immediately bounce back? Again, she's playing a part. She was upset about thing A and then that changed to thing B and now we're on thing J? Don't you understand how all of this compounds and it's the sheer, overwhelming nature of everything she's been through that resulted in this? Because we understand that in real life depression is a complicated, often silent beast, people are tempted to map that onto the story, thereby justifying any version of the arc that we end up with. There's technically no wrong way to write it because there's no "right" way to be depressed. My problem is that this isn't real life. It's a story and we have expectations for how stories will differ from reality in order to serve their function as compelling entertainment. I don't want to go, "Oh, well Ruby was obviously grappling with depression this whole time and it was just hidden from us because that's one realistic means of depicting it. How many times has someone said, 'I had no idea' after learning about a suicide attempt?" But Ruby is our protagonist, the perspective through which we experience the entirety of the show, so keeping this hidden from the audience doesn't do anything except make it come across as a badly written, arguably insensitive arc. This is not real life. Ruby is not a real person with real feelings she may consciously or unconsciously be keeping from others. Ruby is a fiction whose purpose is to convey something to us, the audience, which means that outside of deliberate twists, a story that goes, "This was always occurring, you just never got to see it on screen" is rarely going to have that come across well.

[femmefatalevibe]

Hi Femme! I always refer to your blog as the award winning blog because of how good your advice is. You’re changing lives! I hope you’re doing great this week!!

I have a question about how to feel young and youthful? Unfortunately due to trauma of my past and adultifcation (I began taking care of my mom at 17 due to medical reasons she has)- I feel old.

I’m nearly 26 and I can’t connect to people my age because I had to grow up fast and I’m mentally so much older and mature than most people my age. Because of this I get so sad and frustrated.

I try everything to try and connect with people my age but they either don’t want to hang out with me because of my responsibilities (I still take care of her and sometimes I am not available to hang out). And those old friends would mock me for taking care of my mom or throw it in my face that I have too much I’m dealing with. They have little to no responsibilities so I’m left by myself. I noticed a pattern.

So now I just FEEL old.

I don’t know what I can do to get genuine friendships for my situation (maybe having older friends— mid late twenties etc). Or maybe it’s the spaces I’m in? I want to travel and be around more like minded ambitious people for my field of work (journalism/events).

I also want to feel young, like my age. Idk what I would have to do activity wise or etc. I’m at a lost and so depressed.

I go to work and I’m the oldest cause it’s summer jobs and I’m surrounded by 15- 20 year olds and I chat and I’m nice but I can’t connect like that and they don’t with me.

I always knew something was different about me because of my trauma and what it’s done.

Thank you a bunch! :)

Hi love! Oh my gosh, this comment made my day. Thank you so much for these kind and supportive words! So glad to hear you find my content/advice to be highly valuable <3 Hope that you're having a great week as well!

As a fellow parentified child/teen in the same age bracket, I empathize with you regarding how to feel young, youthful, and feeling our age. For context, most of my friends tell me they think of me as their mid-30s-something friend (lol), so I know the feeling of being jaded and overly deliberate with your time, energy, and actions. If these people are in their mid-20s, it honestly says more about them than you that they're judging or resorting to mocking the fact you take your responsibilities seriously. So many people our age have full-time jobs, households to run (single, in a relationship, even married with kids), and all of the logistics that come with being an adult – albeit being in the "young person" category. These people sound immature for their age, honestly.

I would say the best ways I've found to feel a bit younger and more youthful include:

Taking time to let loose and enjoy the moment

Dancing around in your room without a care in the world

Engaging in some child-like activities you enjoy such as drawing, painting, or pottery

Having a fun and dynamic dating life

Going out for fun dinners, drinks, lunch, or coffee dates

Taking a workout or dance class

Strolling around the streets with fun music and an iced coffee

Going to a dog park or playing with friends/families' animals, etc.

Consider how much of an advantage we have when choosing to indulge in these activities: We have the wisdom to deliberately and more strategically enjoy these pleasures rather than partake in these activities from an ignorant headspace, which can lead to more negative or potentially dangerous situations. Understanding that engaging in this carefree headspace at certain times is essential for your mental health reframed my perspective and was a game-changer in my happiness levels, honestly. I hope this insight invites a similar positive change for you as well.

Reconnect with your childhood dreams and aspirations. Consider how you can explore them now that you have the emotional maturity and legal freedoms of adulthood. It's never too late to make even the smallest steps to actualizing these dreams. For example, getting a stuffed animal that reminds you of the pet you always wanted growing up. It can be a healing, self-nourishing experience even if it sounds a bit silly on the surface.

For finding friends you connect with, I would say the late 20s/early 30s tends to be the sweet spot, too. Some ways I think are beneficial to connect with like-minded people in this mid-20s-early 30s age group with similar goals are to:

Go to meetups, events, panels, exhibits, etc. pertaining to your current/desired field and interests

Join clubs and take classes/workshops in your areas of interest. Go to the same workout studios/art workshops/coffee shops/bars, nail salons, etc. you love regularly. Seeing familiar faces often will invite you both to eventually strike up a conversation – you already know you have something in common

Network both in IRL through events/people you meet and even on LinkedIn to see if you can invite people for informational interviews/informal coffee chats (either in person or over a video call). It's a win-win situation because you both get to expand your networks and sometimes, you just click!

If you haven't read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa yet, I HIGHLY recommend them!

Hope this helps xx

[elfsone]

From this to THIS: (Pete’s maniacal smile contrasting with shock and wonder on vegas. This is the moment, I think vegas fell in love)

Who knew Pete would be the crazier one! Jk we all did. Vegas is a pathetic little guy trying to cosplay as the big bad mafia leader with his slutty velvet shirts on his father’s behest. While Pete willingly chose to enter the mafia and was apparently good enough at his job to become their head bodyguard. He is a mature and hardened man who has worked through and grown past (maybe) his trauma. Maybe he did kill his father like some of y’all were saying😶

I love that writers went with this. First it shows pete’s agency in the entire act. He wanted this. He enjoyed it. The consensual route the series chose has already been applauded and discussed multiple times. I love it. 

Now secondly, a big bone of contention about the vegaspete relationship has been what does pete gain out of all this? Vegas gets love, companionship, free therapy but what about pete? Why would he choose to enter into a relationship with a man as unhinged as vegas. Must be stockholm!! -_- 

We can understand that pete is a kind, empathetic man. He sees a completely broken down vegas and his heart melts and he choses to show him compassion and stay by his side. But love, love is a completely different ball game. You don’t fall in love just because you feel bad for someone. He’s definitely not there yet, but I am talking about why will pete fall in love with vegas. The reason is that as vegas is allowed to be his real self in front pete, the same goes for pete. He is allowed to put his customer service sunshine eye smiles and goofy personality he uses at the main house to rest (Sassy pete anyone?😜). It does not mean what we saw in previous episodes was fake but he was just putting on a mask as we all do when we go in the outside world. This scene shows us the real pete. As they say comedians are sometimes the most depressed people. Our sweet summer child pete (although I’m still conflicted if that is the character or cuteness of the actor spilling through. Do we baby pete or build?) has darkness inside him which he has had to hide his whole life. 

Now it could be something as simple as some peculiar (dark?) sexual urges. People who have kinky or off road sexual interests often need to hide this part of them unless they find a safe space. Maybe he wanted to be tied up during sex, but didn't have the courage to say anything previously. Or there could be something deeper. Years of abuse must leave some scars. There must be a reason he chose to enter this world. Maybe he has a maniacal or unhinged side like vegas but he is mature enough to keep it under control. He knows and respects moral and societal boundaries. People are not black or white. All in all, he has a side that nobody sees and it feels liberating for pete to finally be able to take of his mask. 

That is what he will miss when he goes back. When he has to sit by tankhun and friends and watch movies and laugh at mundane things, he’ll realise this is not what he wants. He’ll realise that the only time he could be his true self was with vegas and there can be no one else as right for him. The feeling of being seen and understood as you are is insane. The audience might not understand but this is why pete will forgive vegas and go back to him.

Side note: I also think pete has always been just some guy his whole life. He’s just another bodyguard in the main family. He’s porsche’s best friend. Even vegas never really saw him. A side character who does his job and blends into the background. He doesn't really want anything else but he gets it. When he’s caught, he is being SEEN for the first time. He’s now the main character in vegas’ life. He’s the only one in his life. Vegas’ world revolves around him as there is nobody else there. He comes running to him everytime something happens. He spends all his time in that room with him. And now, he has realized that vegas even desires him. And that gives a heady feeling to pete. An ordinary guy who thinks he’s not that good looking, nothing special, why would someone want me yada yada. In comes the charming, handsome bad boy who can have anyone but wants him, NEEDS him. This is a 2010s wattpad fiction y’all.

[sparklefartstheunicorn]

So, for a multitude of health reasons, I have a very tiny list of things I can eat. So when I started craving watermelon, I allowed myself to eat it once a day because I need the glucose and electrolytes 😂

However, watermelon was not in season and the watermelons were imported and artificially ripened. Barely edible most times.

BUT TONIGHT, I bought one and it was sweet, delicious, perfectly textured. And I realized... IT'S WATERMELON SEASON in Indiana!!!!! We are known for our melons just as much as the corn.

And you know what else? That means summer is coming. I feel like the seasonal depression never ended this year and I've been having a really hard time keeping it together. That watermelon feels like a light at the end of the tunnel, and it reminded me of The god of Arepo.

"the god of the fallen leaves, the yield of an apple's skin as your teeth pierces it, the worms churning beneath the earth, the boundary of forest and of field, the petals in bloom that lead to rot, the momentary glimpses, and the change in the air before it is gone." The god of "a dozen different little nothings"

These days, most of my happiness is snatched in drops from the little nothings. Today, I got sunshine, and a perfect watermelon. Here's to the god of Arepo, and all of you out there fighting for your heart in this world.

[thebisexualwreckoning]

Assorted thoughts on culture, generational trauma, racism, queerness and where they intersect for me

My family is from Bangladesh. Or they used to be. All of my great-grandparents were born there. At least 3 of my grandparents were born there as well. My mother travelled there on the back of trucks transporting hay. The town, practically the village, my father grew up in, is in Bangladesh.

There's this story my mother tells me. When I was around three years old, we were in a Bengali restaurant in New York and I was so happy to meet fellow Bengalis that I immediately started to speak Sylheti. They gave us a discount for that. called me Khuki and told my parents how nice it was to speak in the language of their home with someone once again.

Another time, another restaurant. This one is in London. I'm not three anymore. I don't speak Sylheti anymore either. They say I forgot because I had no one to speak it with. I don't even speak proper Bangla. It's now Bengali with a dash of Hindi. This time when we enter the restaurant, I don't approach the servers. They approach us and say how nice it is to find a fellow Bengali in the wild. We complain about how we're tired of white people food. My mother wishes she had macher jhol. The servers tell her to wait and bring out a plate of their own dinner. She cries as she eats it. Tears of joy and solidarity.

I'm twelve years old and for the first time, I decide to relearn my culture. I join a summer class, pencil in hand, ready to learn how to read and write all over again. I want to read my mother's magazines, the Feluda comics that she read out loud to me as a child. It paid off, but not in the way I expected, my mother fighting with my father, grabbing hold of my hand two days later as we boarded the aeroplane back to her father's house.

I'm 13 years old, on anti-depressants that I forgot to take some days, neurodivergence diagnosed, and learning more about myself each and every day. I come out as bisexual to my mom but do not tell her about my genderfluidity. Afraid of what she'll think when the daughter she always desired turns out to not be her daughter at all. We call my brother in Canada. He tells us about the people who shout slurs at him in the metro. We do not tell him that we are afraid that someday the slurs will turn into bullet wounds.

I'm fourteen years old, and my father's come to visit. It's his birthday so we travel to his parents' house. more than 4 hours away from ours. They greet us with barbed wire words on my grades, my brother's weight, my mother's inability to be a good wife. We smile through it all. I wonder how they can be so cruel. The people who cared for me when I was a child. The woman who named me now my worst enemy.

I'm fifteen years old now. My Bangla is clearer. Sharp vowels and clear consonants. It will never be rounded syllables of my childhood ever again. I learn of the Bengal partition in school. Learn how people killed each other in the name of freedom. I want to scream, "Amra shobai ek." We are all the same. We share the same culture, the same language but in different dialects, the same history. Stop killing, please. I'm tired of the violence and hatred, I say. This war started before I was born, will it continue after I'm dead as well?

I gathered the courage to google LGBTQ+ laws in Bangladesh today. And I realised something. I love my culture. I love my roots. I love this language, my ancestors, and every family member, even though sometimes I feel like there are too many to count. But I do not love what they have made of it. I saw the words splashed across the newspaper headlines, Anti - Queer laws still in place, Being gay is punishable with a life sentence in prison, a gay man is stoned to death in public and no one does anything to stop it. I do not cry. I've been doing nothing but crying for too long now.

Instead, I'm writing this. I'm writing this to tell everyone that it isn't over. I'm writing this to tell everyone that if I'd been born 413 km to the west exactly, I wouldn't be alive to write this post right now. I'm writing this because I am tired of our stories going untold, buried under layers of propaganda and zealotry. I'm writing this because people think my being Hindu, my being Indian, my being Bengali means that I cannot be queer.

Well sorry to prove you wrong. Because I'm still here. And I'm still kicking. And as long as I'm alive, I'm not going to stop. Neither will the thousands of others like me, telling their stories in a thousand different ways, fighting for their people in a thousand different ways.

So this one is for those still kicking.

We're Here

We're Queer

And we're ready to fucking fight.

[rosemaryandarsenic]

A soft little blurb for you all since I’ve been so horrible at posting! Hope you like it ❤️

(No warnings, Eddie x fem!reader)

The street lamp outside my bedroom window flickered on, it’s yellow light barely standing out against the fog that had settled around Hawkins the last several days. Through the gloom, the sky slowly darkened from a rainy grey to almost pitch black, the moon and stars blurred by a blanket of mist that came every year as the ground began to defrost from the heavy winter snows. I’ve been parked at my desk most of the day, reading, painting my nails, doing literally any kind of self care I can think of. Today is one of the few days off I have for weeks, and I wanted to cherish it, but my depression has been taking the wheel. When my mom passed this last summer, it felt alot like things just ceased to feel real. There have been lots of days when I’d usually be out at the lake with friends or cozied up with my boyfriend at the movies…but instead I’d spend the time curled up in a ball on my bed. Food tasted different and colors all seemed faded, and I’m just tired of it. Eddie, my boyfriend, tries to cheer me up, but lately the winter blues have been hitting him too. Our only solace comes around 9:30 each night, when he gets home from work and drags me to bed for cuddles. I can always tell what kind of say it’s been based on whether or not he tackles me or just grabs my hand and pulls me in. I hope today is tackle day, for both our sakes.

I hear the keys in the door before he’s even got it unlocked and scoot my chair away from the desk, reaching up to clothes the blinds. I can feel my hips cramp from the amount of sitting I’ve been doing and sigh, pulling at my worn out band tee and stolen boxer shorts (I have pajamas but honestly Eddie’s clothes are more comfy). He bursts in the door in a flurry of fluffy brown hair and leather, tossing his keys to the side and kicking the door shut.

“Cmere baby”, he smiles, scooping me into his arms and lifting me off the ground in one swoop. His smile makes me feel warm and fuzzy, a giggle escaping as he launches the both of us onto the bed and lands on top of me with a grunt.

“Eddie,” I gasp, still laughing, “you’re crushing me.”

“Who’s talking?” He pretends to look around, “I can hear my girlfriend, but I don’t see her?” He squirms on top of me and feigns surprise when he looks down. “There you are! How’d you get down there baby?”

I laugh harder, trying to free my arms to grab at him. “You’re such a dingus.”

“That’s no way to talk about yourself, sweetheart.” He chuckles, pinning my arms down and sneaking a kiss.

He rolls off me after another minute of play fighting and settles into my side, brushing hair out of my face. “How’s my girl today?” His eyes are all wide and glassy, and my stomach flips. He’s so pretty sometimes just seeing him makes me feel love drunk, even on the bad days.

“I’m okay. Didnt do much.”

“As it should be,” he says, lacing his fingers through mine. “You work too much.”

“I know,” I roll my eyes and snuggle into him.

He peppers the top of my head with kisses and holds me tight, our legs tangled together. I can feel my body relax slowly, unwinding the way it refused to all day.

“I love you, sweetheart.” He murmurs into my ear as I bury my face into his chest peacefully.

“I love you too.” I whisper back.

All right with the world when Eddie’s here 💕

[lipslikethegardensofbabylon]

#ttpd analysis day seven - Fresh Out The Slammer

this track is one of the most poignant ones to me in the album. it holds a few different emotions, initially hope, then at the end there’s this sort of sadness like the narrator is telling themselves it’ll work simply because it has to. there’s an already weary foreboding in it. like be careful what you wish for. anyway -

the first verse is FULL of callbacks to previous lyrics that help paint a picture:

Another summer, takin' cover / I've loved you three summers now

Rollin' thunder, he don't understand me / called the rain to end our days of wild

Splintered back in winter, silent dinners, bitter / this has a mix of evermore x tolerate it references, even the dinner scene in the ATW short film can be pictured

He was with her in dreams / okay so this lyric i’ve seen some discussion about. to me, it’s a direct reference to sometimes I wonder, when you sleep, are you ever dreaming of me? basically, the narrator once wondered that about the muse, and now the muse is thinking/dreaming about someone else. it could be a different person than the narrator, or even an idealized version of the narrator (like the toy version in MBBHFT). but basically this means that at this point they were checked out of the relationship. in a positive (at the time?) outcome she later says I’m the girl of his American dreams so it sounds like they both have someone else they’re connecting to

Gray and blue and fights and tunnels / blew things out of proportion now you’re blue x I turned around before I hit the tunnel

Handcuffed to the spell I was under / in that lavender haze

For just one hour of sunshine / And now I see daylight, I only see daylight this also references the line in So Long, London a moment of warm sun

Years of labor, locks and ceilings / gold cage, hostage to my feelings x staring at the ceiling with you x drew a map on your bedroom ceiling

In the shade of how he was feelin' / I love this lyric, but basically it’s a general reference to the blue/blues/depression

Camera flashes, welcome bashes / motion capture put me in a bad light

Get the matches, toss the ashes off the ledge / dear reader burn all the files, desert all your past lives

Swirled you into all of my poems / this is another lyric i simply love, it reminds me so much of “I can write you out the way I wrote you in”

okay so all of that brings us to the final verse which, production wise, slows down. it’s like we sped through the past events and arrived at the present. it reminds me so much of folklore, to the house where you still wait up and that porch light gleams / you'd be standin' in my front porch light, and I knew you'd come back to me. the next lyric is where the production slows to almost a stop, like you’re frozen in time there too. the children’s swings makes me think of seven, but the imaginary rings feels like a reference to invisible string. now before y’all come at me, i feel this especially bc of the swirled you into all of my poems like, works can be inspired from different experienced and different people, and i think over time, looking back, they can take on different meanings too depending on the eyes and ears taking it in. i love how she sings the ending but there is such an uneasy sadness considering how hopeful the song starts off. it’s kind of like throughout the song she’s excitedly telling everyone it’s gonna be all right and then at the end she’s trying to convince herself of that