#remedy has consumed my mind body and soul | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

55555-555-5 · 1 year

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Period Post!

I love love love when I begin my bleeding cycle. It’s when I am the most in tune with mind, body, soul and universe. It wasn’t always this way tho.

Ever since I started menstruating (at age 10 I think) my periods were heavy metal, meaning I would bleed through both a tampon and a pad and be in so much pain I physically couldn’t stand up straight. Everything was awful on my period and finally my mom brought me in to the doctor to see what we could do. He prescribed me birth control. Surprised? Probably not. Womben are so quickly given pills and heavy medications to put into their bodies when they simply just need to know what’s going on. He never walked me through balancing my hormones or discussed progesterone or nothing. Gave me this pill, it’ll fix all my problems. For a while I loved the pill, I set an alarm on my phone, took it every day, my doctor gave me a type I would stack for three months and then stop taking them for a week so I could bleed. That week was always fucked cus it takes a long time to get out of your system so by the time I would bleed I would start taking the pills again. I’m gonna wrap it up: I took birth control for about 12 years.

Fast forward: I’ve come off the pill, spent the time necessary to cleanse my body of the pill. My periods took a while to be some regular and coming off the pill they were just as heavy and painful as before. The things that changed my life are proper education, appreciation for my womb, following the right people on social media, herbal remedies and rituals.

It’s so important to learn that the time that we run on is built around mens bodies, as are most things. We have different cycles and our timing is divine and if we can connect to it, life gets easier. Learn the 4 phases of your cycle; inner summer, inner fall, inner winter and inner spring. I’m in spring rn and I’m feeling like I’m blossoming into my next phase of life, energetic, hot af, and connected.

Herbal medicine has impacted my life in many ways but nothing seems as significant as my period. One cup of this tea and my cramps are completely GONE! Use equal parts chopped cinnamon bark and chopped dried ginger or freshly grated ginger root and honey to taste if you like. For one cup of tea use 1 teaspoon of ingredients. I have this tea every bleed and it instantly helps.

A big thing I learned is you want to keep your womb warm to avoid pains. Keep your feet warm, don’t eat cold foods, your jaw and pelvis are connected so always try to relax your jaw, singing and sighing are wonderful. Also you are what you eat (in the nicest way) so if you haven’t already made a change to be more aware of what your putting in your body definitely do it now. What you intake will be the factors that balance your hormones. Something important to note is food is everything that is consumed; what you eat, what you watch, what you listen to and what you say to yourself.

A huge part is learning to love your period. Menstruation is the beginning of time and your womb is a portal. Around every 28 days depending on your own cycle, you go through death and rebirth. It’s sacred and powerful. Look into some ancient stories of worshipping menstrual blood and figure out some rituals and practices that inspire you. For example I love giving my blood back to the earth. I free bleed so I rinse my underwear in water in a jar and then pour the water onto my plants or the trees roots outside. Once your blood is healthy and free of toxins from pills and what not, it has so many healing factors for life in all aspects. I also love to use my finger to gently collect some blood directly from my body and place a dot on my forehead where the third eye is. It’s beneficial as a face mask as well. Also note that your first bleed is the most powerful!

I got so much important and beneficial info from Womben Wellness who you can find on Instagram under that name and also Facebook. The womban that runs it name is Usha and she does actual courses on this type of shit! She also does free educational zoom calls every once in a while that I tune in to. You could just google Womben Wellness as well, but definitely look into her she’s amazing. I get my divine love for my cycle from Goddess Molding who you can find on Instagram as well with that name, she also has a website where she sells sacred ceremony handmade items. She’s the one that shared all those bullet points in the last photo.

I could go on for EVER about this stuff, I’m so passionate about it now that I’ve learned some basic stuff that they didn’t teach us. I’m worried I’ve gone on too long so I’m finishing up now. Definitely check out those womben I recommended, they will explain everything a lot better and more beautiful than I did. Also note that every body is different and responds in different ways. It’s really figuring out what path YOU should take, what works for your body specifically and taking responsibility for your health. No one else is going to fix your body for you, and that was the hardest pill to swallow. Also remember that your womb is not separate from your body, any other health issues you have could be impacting your period. Going down this road could expose a lot of other health issues.

@changingandhealing ❤️

#divine feminine #spiritual healing #menstrual cramps #menstruation #womben wellness #womb #femi9 #goddessmolding #uterus #ritual #herbalhealing #reclaiming your bleed #aunt flo #connected #gratitude #love #cycles

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nevernmoncher · 8 months

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"Healing from Domestic Violence: Nurturing the Mind, Body, and Soul through Natural Remedies and Self-Care Practices"

Domestic violence is a deeply personal and devastating experience that leaves an indelible mark on the lives of its victims. The physical, emotional, and psychological trauma endured can lead to a range of mental health challenges, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD. In this heartfelt Tumblr blog post, I will share my personal journey of healing from domestic violence and explore the best natural remedies, including Eastern practices, that have helped me manage anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

As a survivor of domestic violence, I understand firsthand the profound impact it can have on one's mental health. The trauma experienced during those dark times can manifest as PTSD, causing intrusive thoughts, nightmares, hypervigilance, and emotional distress. It took time for me to recognize and acknowledge the presence of PTSD in my life, but once I did, I was determined to find ways to heal and reclaim my well-being.

In my quest for healing, I turned to Eastern practices that have long been revered for their ability to cultivate inner peace and manage anxiety. These practices have become an integral part of my journey towards healing and have provided me with invaluable tools for fear management. Here are some Eastern practices and remedies that have helped me:

Miindfulness Meditation: Mindfulness meditation has been a transformative practice for me. By focusing on the present moment and observing my thoughts without judgment, I have learned to cultivate a sense of calm and reduce anxiety. Taking just a few minutes each day to sit in stillness and connect with my breath has made a remarkable difference in my overall well-being.

Yoga: Yoga is a powerful practice that combines physical movement, breath control, and meditation. The gentle stretching and flowing movements of yoga help release tension from the body, while the focus on breath and mindfulness promotes relaxation and reduces anxiety. Incorporating yoga into my daily routine has been instrumental in managing my anxiety and reconnecting with my body.

Acupressure and Acupuncture: Traditional Chinese medicine offers acupressure and acupuncture as effective methods for managing anxiety. Acupressure involves applying pressure to specific points on the body, while acupuncture involves the insertion of thin needles into these points. Both practices aim to restore the balance of energy in the body and promote a sense of calm and well-being.

Herbal Remedies: Eastern herbal remedies, such as ashwagandha, holy basil, and chamomile, have been used for centuries to reduce anxiety and promote relaxation. These herbs can be consumed as teas, tinctures, or supplements, and their natural properties can help soothe the nervous system and alleviate symptoms of anxiety.

In addition to anxiety and PTSD, domestic violence can also lead to depression and complex PTSD. The emotional and psychological toll of abuse can leave victims feeling hopeless, isolated, and overwhelmed. Here are some natural remedies that have helped me on my journey to overcome depression and complex PTSD:

St. John's Wort: St. John's Wort is a natural antidepressant that has been used for centuries to alleviate symptoms of depression. Its active compounds can help regulate mood and promote a sense of well-being. It's important to consult with a healthcare professional before using St. John's Wort, as it may interact with certain medications.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids: Omega-3 fatty acids, found in fatty fish, flaxseeds, and walnuts, have been shown to have mood-enhancing effects. Incorporating these foods into my diet has helped improve my overall mood and reduce symptoms of depression.

Sunlight Exposure: Regular exposure to sunlight and vitamin D supplementation can have a positive impact on mood. Spending time outdoors, especially in the morning sunlight, can help regulate circadian rhythms and boost serotonin levels, which can alleviate symptoms of depression.

Supportive Therapy and Counseling: Seeking therapy and counseling from professionals who specialize in trauma and domestic violence has been crucial in my healing journey. Therapy has provided me with a safe space to process my emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain a deeper understanding of myself and my experiences.

In the midst of our healing journeys, it's important to find strength and inspiration to keep moving forward. Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "What does not kill me, makes me stronger." This quote resonates deeply with me as a survivor of domestic violence. It reminds me that despite the pain and challenges I have faced, I have emerged stronger and more resilient. It serves as a reminder that healing is possible and that I have the inner strength to overcome any obstacle that comes my way.

Note: The information provided in this blog post is not intended to replace professional medical advice. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or mental health challenges, please seek help from a qualified healthcare professional or a helpline in your country.

#living with ptsd #abuse survivor #actually cptsd #ptsd #ptsd recovery #complex ptsd #healing #self care #trauma survivor

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gojot-t · 8 months

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TOUCH MY BODY!!

How do they feel about your touch. . . ?

ft. jing yuan, fu xuan, stelle, veritas ratio (dr. ratio) and ruan mei

cw: kinda angst, fluff, long-life specie!reader on jing yuan, suggestive on ratio and yall bath together but nothing happens!, english is not my first language so probably grammar mistakes.

– JING YUAN.

Ohhh the almighty Jing Yuan. He actually likes your touch quite a bit! But let's begin from the start, shall we? After so many decades on the battlefield and losing ones that he held so close in his heart, he's scared that one day you won't be here anymore, that the ginkgo petals will take you away from him, in a place he cannot reach. At least, not for now.

He thought that his calloused hands could never learn to love and treat something gently again and in moments like this, your touch is a reassurance. You will always feel his hands on you, exploring, caressing and marking, never letting you go. Wants to dig the shape of his fingers and palm on your skin.

Loves cuddling with you in bed, hugs that take the air of you and planting sweet little kisses all over your face, moments like this, when you are safe in his arms, are the ones he cherishes the most.

– FU XUAN.

A serious woman, with such an important position and people that depend so strongly on her, has absolutely no time to fool around. Work consumes almost all of her life and time, always thinking what to do next, the best action to take. When she's thinking too fast, too hard, too caught up in her own head and work, your touch is a reminder.

Letting a breath you didn't even know you are holding, a piece of stability and a home. When you caress her cheek, gently brushing the hair there behind her ear, you are all that to her.

When she remembers moments that you slowly brush your fingers on her spine, your lips against her sealing unsaid promises, she suddenly has all the motivation to finish work as soon as possible and come back to your waiting arms.

– STELLE.

Sweet girl stelle, with no memories from what she is or came from, thought that occupying herself helping others she wouldn't have to think about, in her eyes, such frivolous questions. She has the express now and that's what matters.

But just sweeping it under the rug is never the solution and it always comes back to bite your ass later. Maybe it started with something small like falling into a cheap scam or the taste of your favorite food feeling off, but like a thread snapping and a dominos effect happening, everything suddenly is just not right.

The Stellaron inside her it's so heavy that it consumes her whole, not even letting the tears fall down and the air enter her body, legs losing force to stand on its own.

But then you're holding her face into your hands with so much care and so much worry about her. The numb pain turns into a soft feeling that overflows her to the edge, but instead it's nice, it's love.

Your touch is a remedy to her. One that she's addicted to and needs over and over again, never letting that bitter taste in the tongue.

– VERITAS RATIO.

A wise man with a sharp mind and bold tongue. Whether they admire his intelligence or despise his arrogance, everyone knows to respect him.

He puts himself on a high pedestal and so do the others, that's why he can't let absolutely a single soul know how the way you brush your fingers against his strong biceps and flutter your lashes so sweetly leave him completely weak on the knee.

Or how the reason he's always late for his classes is because he swears that is just one more kiss, only to chase your lips again when you pull back. Your touch is his biggest weakness.

His favorite time of the day is when you both are in the bathtub, you giggle and tease when the cold air hits and his skin shivers, but don't think he doesn't notice the way you stare so fixedly the water runs from his chin to his chest. Two can play this game after all.

– RUAN MEI.

She may be a renowned genius but when she's with you, she feels like a newborn again, with a whole world to discover.

Things that she takes as a truth collapse completely with one word from you and she loves this completely! Want to construct and deconstruct, and know everything about this feeling. Your touch is an experiment to her.

Why she feels like there's a million butterflies on her stomach when your lips meet hers? Do you feel like that too? Do you like it more soft or more rough? In what other ways can she make you both feel good like this?

As a researcher she's more than determined to find out the answer to all these questions. She just hope that you wouldn't mind being the main subject of her experiment this time. You will feel good, she promisse. And if you won't, she will be here to kiss all the pain away too.

a/n: omg guys im kinda proud of myself with this one ngl. im so excited to post this that i finished writing besides my mother on the bus😭 why jing yuan was so hard to write tho:/ i think i changed every line on his part at least three times loll. I hope you guys like this as much as i do! If you see any mistake plsss lmk><

#hsr x reader #jing yuan x reader #jing yuan x you #fu xuan x reader #stelle x reader #dr ratio x reader #veritas ratio x reader #ruan mei x reader #hsr fluff #hsr hcs #honkai star rail headcanons #honkai star rail x reader

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tapiocalatte · 9 months

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"My life is Green. What color is yours?" An original poem by me.

Green is the grass under our feet. It floods the cloudy mind with earth, and reminds the soul of its simple worth.

Green is the tree which we sit beneath. Its shade cools the fatigued self, its fruit harvested to give us health.

Green is the tea we sip to drink. Bathed in its warmth and flavor, we feel invigorated, primed with fervor.

Green is the emerald for which we yearn. Its glassy brilliance is simply divine, though despite common simile, it reflects, not shines.

Green is the envy. If we are to talk of reflections, one often compares to others. But one's appearance should matter not to a stranger, friend, or lover.

Green is the vomit. The wretch of self admittance of sickness. The scratching claws of your own deprecative weakness.

Green is the soap you use to wash it all away. Cleanse the body and mind, day by day to yourself you must be kind.

Green is the fourth color of the rainbow. You're as bright and beautiful as light, that you have to believe. For if you do then the truth it will come to be.

Green is the traffic light telling you to go. We can do it, we can shout it, it's time to move! A journey of self love and ass kicking, it's ours to prove!

Green is the grass we run on today. It whistles in the wind, and carries with it any past sin.

Green is the tree we climb to its top. There's a view most splendid for those who are brave, we're seeing the real world this time, no more allegorical cave.

Green is the tea we drink to refresh. It's iced, tasty, sweet like honey, and a dash of mint. The perfect way to settle down after an exciting stint.

Green is the emerald I hold in my fist. It represents confidence, and I've earned its luster. I believe everyone can. After all, they come in clusters.

Green is the snake, coiled around its prey. With such a tight grip, all it has to do is wait. For the spoils it has won, there is zero escape.

Green is the United States dollar. A manifestation of wealth, work, and power. The goalpost that any struck by greed or need yearn to devour.

Green is the parrot, depending on the species. Wise and well learned, this bird can soar. With the proper care, we too can hold those feats, most sure.

Green is chlorophyll. The lifeblood providing sustenance of our plantlike friends. To which we harvest and consume in a cycle without end.

Green is swamp water. Murky and disgusting, it's foul as the human soul. Though much like the same, endless potential for life and growth is what it holds.

Green is the grass in our own garden. The hub of creativity, spark, and cultivation in our home. And so we build, sow, and water. After all, when in Rome.

Green is the tree that towers over the house. It's aged our entire lives, and will do much the same after death. Its sturdy progress reflects a life well lived, spent in vigor and jest.

Green is the tea one sips when they're sick. The aroma and contents built for remedy can ease the heart and body of any malady.

Green is the emerald city, the destination for which we walk. Folklore tells of a magic that can give us the boon we seek. Though throughout the journey, I believe within ourselves we hold all the power to reach the peak.

Green is the shattered dust on the floor. For I have dropped the confidence I held in my palm. That power is held within us, a true reflection of the soul's song.

Green is the Rowlet plushie I cuddle to bed. It's shaped like a friend, and soft like one too. I'm glad I have something to hug, and I hope you do too.

Green is not a creative color. Now if you're scared you might not want to be hugged. Often times those with paranoia very much want not to be bugged.

Green is the color of copper sulfate fire. Now we can't use that, but the warmth should subsist. Regardless of fear, everyone should feel that when gone, they will be missed.

Green is a primary color. And every individual is the primary person in their own life. Be it appearance, personality, or ability, to one's self they should offer grace and love, not hatred or strife.

#poetry #original poem #poems on tumblr #poem #creative writing #green #trying out publishing #new blog

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fullbusterfantasmic · 3 years

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Love Potion ♋️ Chapter 4.7

Rated M

It’s all NSFW (As it should be)

1,933 words

A/N: The first position mentioned is called the butterfly or some shit (maybe?) idfk but I like it, & the second is the reverse cowgirl. Formatting is wonky, I know please look past it.

🌬Gray’s POV

The shine her eyes had held has begun to rapidly be overtaken as the (e/c) darkens, while she beckons me closer.

Her mouth is right beside my ear as she says;

“Ravish me...lay your claim on me...let every touch from you send me reeling, and begging for more...show me everything you’ve imagined doing to me and lastly...share every feeling you’ve kept hidden from me”.

The intense requests she made ignites a fire somewhere within me. Flames are rapidly consuming the protective layers of ice I’d long ago placed over my heart. Barriers erected after Deliora’s first attack, reinforced following the death of Ur...gone in an instant. Her tongue runs along the outer shell of my ear, lips placing a kiss to my temple. Pulling away, she then collapses back onto the pillows behind her, now surveying me through darkened, heavily lidded eyes.

My teeth clench as the familiar darkness begins to surface and my internal struggle begins. She asked for it....so why not give it to her? I shouldn’t...I....I’m ready to...no I NEED to let her in that now open space within my heart, within my very barren soul.

You don’t know what you do to me...

✨Your Pov

Im nervous...

I may have asked too much, it was too soon for me to come on so strongly! He still has yet to look at me, and his long bangs obscure his eyes from view.

“Gray I-“

I began to try and retract my previous statement but he interupts me. “From the very first moment I laid eyes on you I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen....and the most dangerous...” he moves out from between my legs, motioning for me to lay on my side. “ I knew if I got close to you I’d end up falling for you and that would put you at risk...”. One of his legs now rest underneath mine and my other rests over the top of his.

“Try as I might, I couldn’t force myself to get or stay away from you; somehow we always end up spending time together” he pauses, pressing a kiss to my temple before continuing; “ -and now we’re here...”.

The room is growing colder once more, goosebumps cover my exposed flesh and I lightly begin to shiver. My entire body is shaking by the time his voice reaches my ear; “With all that being said...I’m done explaining myself, and I’m done talking”.

“Now I’m going to fuck you senseless, this entire town will know you’re mine by sunrise” The vow is whispered to me in such an intimate way, it has my internal walls fluttering, before clenching around nothing. That is soon remedied; A surprised turned pleasurable cry slips out from between my lips as Gray effortlessly slides into me.

This position is a first for me, and experiencing it with this god like man...Said position has quickly become a “10 out of 10, must do again”. He holds my body so closely against his, and somehow those skilled fingers are still roaming up and down my sides. Occasionally pausing their ministrations to ghost across my chest or rub tantalizing circles Into my clit. The angle in which he thrusts into me puts the head of his cock in the perfect position to hit my G-spot each and every time he bottoms out.

The whole “I’m finished talking now” line was absolute bullshit! As soon the smug Ice mage was balls deep inside me, did the sinful whispers begin. Dear God! That deep husky voice alternating between uttering the most endearing things, having my eyes growing wet with tears. Only to make a flawless transition into speaking the most obscene and sensual promises (or threats), have my face continuing to burn red.

I was an absolute wreck.

“You should see yourself right now...Completely fucked out of your mind, slobbering all over, and tear stains coating your cheeks...yet still so breathtaking”. My enthralled lover may no longer be whispering, but the chill of his breath on my neck is still ever present. I don’t speak, I knew my ability of coherent speech had vanished long ago.

Gray doesn’t need my words to go off of now, not when my breath hitches and my body jerks involuntarily. “This one will be....number four right?” He sounds so proud. That wasn’t really a question, and I wouldn’t of answered it even if I could have.

As much as I craved release, my pride urged me to deny it. A small voice inside my head is saying; “Ignore the relentless tingling of your clit, the tight wound knot in your stomach, the pressure from that magnificent cock sinking itself into your deepest depths...”.

Dammit ___________, get it together!

You are a proud Fairy Tail mage; A living embodiment of strength, determination, and destroyer of adversity! You’ve let this man turn you into putty within his hands, he thinks he owns you! Now it’s time for you to reclaim your pride and turn the tables on him!

Who am I kidding?

🌬Grays POV

“Holding back now are we?”

I can’t help but tease her when she’s trying so hard to hide the fact that I have her teetering on the edge of bliss. She lets out and annoyed huff and I poke one of her inflated cheeks, making sure my cock is buried inside of her as far as it can go.

“You take my cock so well baby, you’re already starting to shape to me on the inside...you’ll be my perfect little cock sleeve in no time” I murmured before giving her another nice dark love bite to match the one on the other side of her neck. “I know you want to drench my cock some more” my ice coated finger flicks against her clit before circling over it.

“Hah!” she shrieks at the frozen contact to her bundle of nerves, involuntarily jerking and in turn slamming her hips backwards, burying my dick inside her once more. The tip of my head just barely makes contact with her cervix, and then her walls suddenly contract, clamping down around me. I have to give every effort to not paint them white as not only her ecstatic wail reaches my ears, but I look down just in time to see her lightly spritz the hand id been using to play with her clit.

For a moment my brain begins to short circuit, and then it just shuts down completely.

✨ Your POV

That was....incredible.

Several minutes pass with my mind reeling from the intense orgasm I’d just experienced. It’s like I’m drunk, but not from the alcohol I’d consumed earlier. Drunk from the dopamine flooding my brain, and my heart swelling with overwhelming feelings of love. Love....love for the man currently sharing my bed. Before I can turn to Gray and embarrass myself with a bunch of post orgasm love drunk rambling, I remember something....oh my god.

I sober up and am slammed back into reality almost instantly. My face begins to burn and I Stifle a cry of humiliation as I realize; I’d just squirted all over his hand! That’s never happened to me before! Gray hasn’t said one word...he’s been silent since it happened! He probably has a look of disgust on his face, I can’t bring myself to look and see.

I try to move,, intent on getting away to take refuge on the other side of the bed. His arms immediately constrict around me, “Oh no you don’t, you aren’t going anywhere!”. Suddenly he’s flat on his back keeping a firm grip on my hips as I’m forced to straddle him. Glancing over my shoulder I see the proud smirk he’s wearing, then he speaks; “Never had a girl do that before...I like it” giving me a wink afterwards. “Sh-Shut u-up” I mumble as I return my gaze to the wall in front of me, breathing deeply in attempt to calm my palpitating heart.

“Y’know normally I’d give you a little break but... I can’t...not after seeing you do that” he pauses, and I can’t see his eyes roaming over my back side, but I feel his hands slide down from my hips. Then a sharp SMACK resounds around the room, followed by my startled gasp. “Ride me...now!” a fierce growl preludes another sharp smack to my other ass cheek.

I don’t even bother to stop the excited shake that over takes my body, the sudden change into this demanding demeanor is thrilling! Keeping my back to him, I’m quick to position myself over his length and begin to sink down on it. The soft mewl I emit is drowned out by a hiss as the tip of his dick slips between my lips. “That’s it...good girl” he praises as he begins to rub out the red marks on my ass.

Eager to please I get straight to work.

Albeit a bit awkward at first, but Im able to get a steady rhythm going in no time. “So much better than in my dreams...fuckin’ hell __________ your ass is perfect! Yeah that’s it babe, bounce it just like that” Gray mumbles appreciatively, completely enamored with the sight in front of him. “Dream about me often do you?” I tease, throwing him a smug glance over my shoulder. “More often than I’d ever care to admit, now turn around and face me would you?.

I do as he asked, rotating my body to face him. He gently pulls me down towards him and I stop short, my face now inches above his own. My stomach feels like it’s filled with butterflies at the sudden closeness. Unsure of what to do I quietly whisper an awkward sounding “Hi”. A wide grin appears on his face as he responds; “Hi” followed quickly by a chuckle at my sudden awkwardness.

Now we’re both smiling at each other like complete dorks, and I’m compelled to lean forward and kiss him. I resume my ride as his tongue curls around mine, quickly losing myself in the passion of this moment. Gray is quick to pick up the slack, thrusting his hips upward each time mine sink down. The atmosphere in the bedroom has changed, we both feel it. When I say his name again it comes out in a breathy whine.

His eyes reflect an emotion I’ve never seen in them before and his tone is gentle when he says “I know baby, hold on just a little longer for me”. Strong arms wind themselves tighter around me, drawing my body in as close as possible as he speeds up the pace of his thrusts. “I want to feel you gush all over my cock when I finally get to cum inside you” his lips are on mine again, kissing me passionately while bouncing me up and down on his cock.“That okay with you baby? Do you want me to fill up this tight little cunt?”

My confession comes out quick and shameless; “Yes! God there’s nothing I want more right now, I’ve wanted that for ages!”.

“Tell me, who do you belong to now snowflake?”

“YOU! I belong to you now Gray”

“Tell me you need me”

“I need you, I never want to be without you, so please just-“

“Tell me...” he pauses, placing a hand on my cheek and staring into my eyes.

“Tell me you love me”.

#gray fullbuster #fairy tail #fanfiction #anime boys #gray fullbuster x reader #gray fairy tail #fairytail x reader #reader insert #gray x reader

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cozycryptidcorner · 3 years

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Monster Match #2

Hi! Special thanks to the absolutely phenomenal and positively lovely @floral-and-fine for commissioning this monster match! You gave me nothing but absolutely delightful vibes.

I’m a straight girl, Gemini, infp, and an elementary school teacher but my degree is in Fine Arts. I have blue eyes, brown/blonde wavy hair, plus size and 5’8”. I like to write, draw, play video games and watch movies. Personality wise, I’m sweet, mellow, timid with occasional moments of confidence, excitable, and a homebody but occasionally I like getting dressed up and going out. I love floral prints and wearing dresses. I’m terrible at being organized. I’m also very conflict averse and it takes a lot to make me mad.

Song I just happened to be listening to that I think fits the character very well: City of Ghosts by Melodysheep.

You have been matched with a Chalkydri! The Chalkydri are an ancient race of creatures thought to be angels, dwell near the sun, feasting on its vast energy output the same way a human might consume food. They are a space-faring species, only half physical, half made from energy, in an appearance that can only be described as mesmerizing. While looking like scales, their skin actually consists of crystals that keep their energy form solid, their eyes and hair the only parts they let flow free. Each Chalkydri has a different color of energy that matches their Soul, one that reflects their Name and harmonizes with the surrounding universe they were born in.

Your Chalkydri has an energy that flows from blue to green to purple, shifting and fading based on his mood. His eyes are electric, throbbing, and pulsing with unfathomable power, his hair long and glowing, visible from long distances even during the day. Each Chalkydri has a myriad of wings, about a dozen sets stacked on top of limbs and body parts- some even looping over each other. They are paler colors compared to their true Soul resonance and float against the sky almost the same way as their hair. At first glance, the wings might look feathered, a gently orchestrated pattern twisting around like an evaporating gas. He's tall, even in the form he chooses to show to humankind, but he is unfathomably large when he is in his natural state. The scales that cover his arms, neck, and portion of his face almost look like a mosaic of emerald and lapis, the colors matching so close to his Soul that it must have been intentional.

Many of his kind exist, but they are slowly dwindling as the rest of the universe runs burns the fixed amount of energy. In the beginning- the very beginning, they came to consciousness, as though from failed stars that never managed to collect enough cosmic dust to start. The Souls are another thing, no one is entirely sure where those came from, though your Chalkydri believes that the universe is a single, outstretched creature, and that all Souls of every living thing are an extension of Her. Almost like a god, yes, but with an equal amount of omnipotence or control that a human being has over their own body.

Meeting him was an accident, though falling to earth was his bad. It was after a brief scrabble with another of his kind- an argument too heated, a push more forceful than intended, and he was hurtling through an atmosphere with no means of stopping. The impact was painful and the recovery was long- especially since the sun barely offers the required nutrients he needs so far away. His body bled out upon a barren wasteland, and from that, sprung life almost overnight. The soil suddenly turned fertile, dead seeds sprouting from the cement cracks, a forest overtaking the ruins of a city before he even wakes from his slumber.

And what person finds an odd figure stumbling out of the surprise wooden area?

After trying to get him to eat (he can't) and trying to get him to drink (he can't), he finally gets enough energy from sitting against your home's windowpane that he can at least speak. He needed to get to a higher altitude to speed his recovery, and you had nothing going on that weekend. Helping the strange, blue and green man to the closest mountain range might not have been on your to-do list, but you were able to shift some things around to accommodate him. After all: alien. Space. Alien from space, need you say more?

Everything about him breathes and speaks of power despite the fact he can't necessarily use most of it on earth without vaporizing a chunk of the population. He is a being made of energy, he knows, but his people are not warriors or conquerors: they're primarily scholars. They are curious people who like to study what they do not understand, largely how the universe came to be. But still, even with the academic rigor, you have never met a gentler soul in your life. Despite his massive frame and ability to carve out the moon into a permanent crescent, he much prefers to use his power for small, almost unnoticeable ways to improve life on earth.

His initial fall might have been an accident, but your Chalkydri cannot deny the connections he made during his stay. Especially you, because there was something about you that was just so vibrant and sweet and Alive, despite your shorter lifespan. He had always thought terrestrial beings experienced only short, quick bursts of rotting misery, but you changed that perspective. Even if the relationship is bittersweet for him- keeping you close is the only remedy to the aching pain he experiences whenever he leaves the planet. Love, but not the kind he has experienced before with his parents and siblings. It's a biting thing, one that chews from the inside of his chest out like a feral animal. He knows you are not as permanent as he is, knows that he will outlive you by leagues, but he is drawn to you so closely regardless.

That's the state of the universe, though. Gravity draws primordial dust around it, creating planets and stars and galaxies, as though closeness in itself a fundamental law of nature. Some people are pulled to each other, orbiting and pulling at the other's paths until they are in perfect sync. Some people crash and implode, a fiery display of the raw, horrifying side of that truth. Does life not form only when gravity pulls together the correct elements? Is that not the universe herself begging for a form of companionship? Love, he might argue, be an equal force to the natural state of things as gravity.

But sometimes, when he looks at you, whether that's making breakfast, sleeping, or going through your work, he thinks he wouldn't mind if you were the cause of another explosive downfall.

#monster match

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echoes-of-the-clockwork · 3 years

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Book Two: Sapphire (Ignis x Reader) Chapter IX

As the sun peaked over the horizon the next morning, (Y/n) left the caravan to get some fresh air. She admired the rising sun as it gradually rose into the sky. She watched the light vanquish the dark before wandering over to Wiz. From what she learned yesterday, the man not only ran the outpost but also managed the eatery here.

"Howdy, lass!" Wiz greeted her with a smile. "What can these ol' bones do for ya?"

"You wouldn't happen to sell ebony, would you?" She asked.

"We do. Would ya like a freshly brewed cup?"

"Please. How much do I owe you?"

Wiz shook his head. "It's on the house! Consider it a small apology fer our chicks yesterday. My stablehand told me what happened."

"That's very kind of you, but the chicks really weren't a bother. They were a welcomed distraction," she smiled.

"Still, lemme get ya that cup o' coffee. I'll be back in a jiffy."

Wiz sauntered off and returned a few minutes later with a warm cup of ebony. She thanked him for the free coffee and returned to the caravan just as the door gently opened. She placed the styrofoam cup on the table and smiled at Ignis as he joined her outside. "Good morning."

"It truly is," Ignis replied. "You are up earlier than usual. Did you sleep well?"

"I didn't realize we were sharing a caravan with a snoring behemoth last night," she sighed.

The tactician chuckled lightly, knowing exactly who she was referring to. "A cacophony only possible by Gladio. He can be quite clamorous while slumbering."

(Y/n) grabbed the cup of coffee off the table, handing it to him. "I figured you'd be up soon and went ahead and secured your morning dose of ebony. Wiz was kind enough to give it to me for free, even though I insisted on paying for it."

Ignis accepted the cup with a gracious smile. "I do appreciate this, (Y/n)." He took a sip of the warm beverage before lowering the cup. "Would you indulge me for a bit?"

She nodded. "Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"Remember our talk yesterday before departing to dispatch the behemoth? I do believe scavenging would be a tranquil undertaking on this placid morning."

The guardian gasped, remembering their conversation from yesterday. "I completely forgot. But yes! It is a lovely morning to search for ingredients. Let me grab the basket from the car and we can take the chocobos."

She ran over to the Regalia, Ignis watching her as she did so. He figured they could save some gil if they located some ingredients in the wild and it would also provide him some private time to talk with (Y/n) without the fear of being interrupted by the other boys.

Returning with the wood-knitted basket, (Y/n) called their chocobos while Ignis finished his coffee. She hooked the basket to the saddle of her bird before climbing onto its back. The advisor did the same, allowing her to take the lead due to her senses being more enhanced than his. She could practically sniff out any ingredients that were nearby, which made her an excellent scavenger.

It wasn't long, maybe a few minutes, before they discovered a batch of wild onions. (Y/n) dismounted her chocobo and immediately picked a few, placing them gently in the basket. They moved on to the next location, where they discovered some beetroot. They added it to the basket and proceeded to their third destination. There, they found various nests filled with eggs. The girl giggled as she picked up a few of the birdbeast eggs. "You did mention eggs yesterday, Iggy."

"A fortunate guess on my part," Ignis responded with a hint of a smile at hearing her melodious laughter. "Alas, your comment was what led to such a thought."

(Y/n) gently placed the eggs in the basket. That's when she realized it was full. "We should probably head back. The basket can't carry anymore."

"Before we depart, may we speak of our conversation in Keycatrich Trench?" Ignis asked, hopping off his chocobo and approaching her.

She combed a hand through her (h/c) locks with a small, sorrowful sigh. "I was wondering when we were gonna have this talk..."

"What you said... Is it true?" He inquired.

Without hesitating, she stared into his emerald eyes. "Yes. My happiness does not matter, only yours. By guardian law, I am bound to protect you and do what makes you happy no matter what that may be. Many of my people deem the laws to be unfair and choose to undergo the rite of annulment, but one risks corruption doing such a dangerous act."

Ignis has been an avid learner of all things guardian ever since he was blessed with (Y/n). He read numerous of books and articles in regards to spirits to learn all there was about them, but not once had he heard about this rite she spoke of. "Is there a possibility of you sharing more about this "rite" you spoke of?"

"The rite of annulment is a ceremony a guardian can undergo if they wish to separate from their master. It unbinds their souls and lengthens a guardian's lifespan. However, the ritual has proven to be dangerous. Guardians risk corruption once their soul is severed from their master's. Those who suffer from corruption lose their minds and eventually...kill themselves. Some masterless guardians have also been known to slaughter humans once they've been consumed by madness." She hugged herself, rubbing her hands up and down her upper arms. "It's a dark side of my people that very few humans know about. The rite is still performed today, but the practice isn't known by many spirits. I only heard about it when I met a much older spirit in Insomnia one day while you were busy at the Citadel. He went through the rite himself and was happily living his life."

Ignis couldn't help but be curious. "Have you ever desired to undertake this rite yourself?"

Her eyes widen in horror at the question. "Never." A dark thought crossed her mind as she recalled the rest of her conversation with the elder spirit. She took a few steps back as fear courses through her veins, causing a chill to ricochet down her spine. "H-He also mentioned some humans have used the rite to get rid of their guardians once they've learned of it. Are you thinking if we went through with the rite, I could pursue my own happiness? Do you wish to get rid of me, Ignis?"

He felt a pang of guilt strike his heart at hearing her questions and watching her retreating form. He could see where the misunderstanding was and quickly tried to remedy the situation. He closed the distance between them and gently placed his hands on her cheeks, cradling them gently. His thumbs caressed her cheekbones, wiping away the few tears that had trailed down them. Peering into her sparkling sapphire eyes, he gently spoke. "I could never conceive the idea of your absence, (Y/n). The mere thought alone is enough to wound me."

She stepped closer to Ignis and collapsed against him the moment his hands were gone from her cheeks, winding her arms around his waist to hug him. "Thank the Six... I know I said I would leave if it meant your own happiness could be achieved, but I hope it doesn't come to that. I hope you can find your own happiness with me by your side. If you find someone you love most in the world, I hope I won't be in the way." Her cheek pressed against his chest as she clung to him like a child in need of love.

"Nonsense, (Y/n)," he whispered, snaking one of his arms around her waist as his other hand came to cradle the back of her head. His gloved fingers entangled in her (h/c) locks and raked through them gently. The motion was enough to ease her and release the tension from her body. "Although my duties to the crown may prove to be a hindrance, I do yearn for your own merriment and hope to provide such. You deserve your own jovial life."

She nuzzled her face against his chest, inhaling his scent. It was a mixture of his favorite cologne and blend of coffee, ebony. "Thank you, Ignis."

He held her in his arms, praying to the Six she too could find happiness. He didn't care whether it was with him or another man as long as she was content with her life. He just hoped he could preach his true feelings soon to prevent the latter from happening.

They remained in each other's arms until Ignis' phone rang. Reluctantly, he pulled away from (Y/n) and accepted the incoming call. Before he could even greet the person on the other end, they cut him off and demanded they return to the chocobo ranch.

The girl watched in amusement as he rolled his eyes and hung up. "Who was that?"

"Gladio," he replied, putting his phone away. "It seems we've been scavenging for quite a while and lost track of time."

She looked up through the trees and saw the sun was almost directly overhead. "Well then, we better get back."

"Undoubtedly."

They both mounted their chocobos and returned to the outpost. They hadn't ventured far, but it did take them ten minutes to get back to the chocobo ranch. As they returned, they spotted Noctis, Prompto, and Gladio waiting for them outside the caravan. Ignis went directly to their companions while (Y/n) stored their ingredients safely in the trunk of the Regalia with their other supplies. He dismissed his bird after he dismounted it and adjusted his dress shirt. Unlike previous days, he was wearing his crownsguard fatigues without the jacket.

Gladio, who was smirking like a child who learned a new secret, eyed him. "You and munchkin seem a little closer than usual. Did something happen?"

Ignis was already all-too-familiar with the way Gladio functioned. He knew why he was asking and wouldn't provide him the satisfaction of the truth, knowing it would only cause relentless teasing. "Nothing of the sort. We simply enjoyed each other's company while scavenging. (Y/n) did educate me on something quite eye-opening in regards to her people."

"Really? Like what?" Prompto, just like Ignis, was interested in learning about guardians. While he wasn't as invested as the tactician was when he was younger, he too had read plenty of documents and books about spirits.

"The rite of annulment, a ritual where the souls of a guardian and master are severed."

"Oh, that's pretty cool!"

"Something else happened. I can tell. You really gonna leave us to hang out to dry, Iggy?" Gladio sighed.

"My lips are sealed," the advisor replied with a hint of a grin.

"Lame."

(Y/n) walked over after storing the new, fresh ingredients and her chocobo returned to its pen. "Now that everyone's up, we should make our way to Lestallum. I think if our side trip lasts any longer, we'll worry Iris."

"Might be too late for that," Gladio muttered. "She started blowing up Noct's phone this morning. I don't even have a single message from her, and I'm her brother. Can you believe it?"

"You...don't want me to answer that."

Before Gladio could retort, Prompto hopped to his feet. "To Lestallum!"

The group piled into the Regalia and left Wiz Chocobo Post. (Y/n) sat in the front with Ignis at Prompto's behest. She wondered when the seating arrangement would be ideal so everyone was comfortable. She appreciated the marksman's kindness, but she felt as if there was another reason why he no longer rode shotgun.

Halfway to Lestallum, Noctis shattered the silence in the car. "Hey, (Y/n), Specs said you wanted to visit this place called Costlemark. What do you think you're gonna find there?"

From the prince's question, she figured Ignis hadn't mentioned the voice. She wondered how to respond and fabricated a lie on the spot after remembering what Ignis told her. "Costlemark Tower was once part of the ancient civilization known as Solheim. I was hoping to check it out and see if my people happened to have any presence in their ancient society. I figured what better place to check than Costlemark. I want to know more about my people." She turned around in the seat and met Noctis' gaze. "Is this a selfish request? If it is, please don't worry about it."

"Nah, don't worry 'bout it," Noctis reassured her. "If you're that curious, I don't see why not to visit. We can visit after we're done in Lestallum."

She smiled sweetly at him. "Thank you, Noct."

The rest of the drive was practically silent until they reached the outskirts of Lestallum. Prompto was chatting with Noctis as they traveled through the tunnel leading to the town. Gladio and Ignis didn't join the conversation until they exited the tunnel and Lestallum came into full view. The boys expressed their awe whereas (Y/n) looked around silently in astonishment. She was looking forward to see what the town had to offer.

When the Regalia was parked, everyone exited the vehicle. They made their way up a small spiral staircase, crossed the road, and wandered into the main thoroughfare. At that moment, Gladio called Iris and learned she was staying at the Leville. Now all they had to do was locate the hotel.

As they were walking through the main thoroughfare, passing the various food carts offering a variety of items, they were suddenly stopped by an energetic voice. "Hold on a moment!" The group turned around and spotted a man with shaggy sable locks, silver eyes, and glasses. He even had a beauty mark on his left cheek that stood out against his pale complexion. A camera hung around his neck, swinging back and forth as he approached them.

Noctis looked around before pointing at himself. "Uh, us?"

"Yes, you! Well, more like her!" He pointed at (Y/n).

Gladio eyed him suspiciously. "And who're you?"

"Name's Luca. I work for Meteor Publishing." He raises his camera and aimed it at the girl. "I may be a photographer for a major publishing company, but I've got my own dream project I'm working on in my spare time."

Prompto wasn't cautious like Gladio and was excited to meet another person passionate about photography. "What's your dream project?"

"To photograph my people."

"You're a guardian, correct?" Ignis asked after analyzing his appearance.

"I am," Luca smiled, rolling up the sleeve of his t-shirt to reveal the silver gemstone located on his upper arm. "And your friend here is the second spirit I've met since moving to Lestallum. Guardians are few and far between, which kinda makes us a minority no one really understands even with all the formal text across Eos. You'd be surprised how little those books cover. Most of them are repetitive and do us guardians no justice. I want to photograph the various guardians I meet so I can write a real book about my people in order for humans to truly understand us."

"This dream project of yours sounds admirable," Gladio confessed.

"It'll be a lot of work, but I know it'll pay off. I'm tired of people discriminating against spirits."

Noctis' brows furrowed together, displaying his bewilderment. "Guardians are discriminated against?"

"We are," (Y/n) chimed in. "There are many humans who see us as secondary citizens and have no real contribution to society. There were some establishments in Insomnia that banned spirits from entering."

"There are some here in Lestallum, too," Luca said.

"Why would people do such a thing?" Prompto asked with a frown.

"It's the fear of the unknown," the sapphire-eyed girl answered. "While guardians are vastly documented, many people still fear us for what we're capable of. It's mainly due to our connection to the mana that flows through Eos."

Luca nodded. "Exactly. People are afraid we'll walk into their establishment and use our magic willy-nilly to blow things up. But we work just as hard, maybe even harder, than humans to achieve our goals."

"You should've told me about this, (Y/n)," Noctis said. "If I'd known crap like that was happening in the city, I would've done something about it."

She lowered her head. "I would never use Ignis' position as your advisor to change politics. Even if I had told you and you did do something to change that, it's impossible to erase people's fears."

"Luca!" A voice shouted. A man with slicked back blonde hair, hazel eyes, and a pair of sunglasses on top of his head came bounding over. He placed his hands on Luca's shoulders before glancing at the others. "I hope he isn't causing you guys any trouble."

"Not in the slightest," Ignis said.

"Thank the Six," the man sighed. As he looked around at the faces of the group, he noticed (Y/n) and gasped. "Another guardian!"

Luca nudged the man. "Why do you think I ran off like that, Jasper?"

"How was I supposed to know you saw another guardian?" Jasper smiled at the girl. "It's nice to see another spirit wandering these parts. Luca's been hunting left and right for his own kind."

(Y/n) glances down at Jasper's hand, seeing a ring with a silver gemstone on his finger. Just below it she saw what appeared to be an engagement ring. "You must be Luca's master."

"That, I am. And who is...?" He looked around and spotted the skull necklace with sapphire gemstone eyes around Ignis' neck. "Ah, you're her master!"

One by one, the group introduced themselves to Jasper and Luca. The silver-eyed spirit snapped a few pictures of (Y/n) before lowering his camera. "Whenever you have time, I'd like to talk to you in private, (Y/n)."

"I would love to," she giggled.

"You can find me at the outlook. My boss and I usually hang around there and chat from time to time."

Jasper linked his arm with Luca's. "But for now, we're heading to lunch. You're paying this time, right?"

Luca groaned. "Fine..."

The two men walked off. Prompto glances between them. "Are those two...?"

(Y/n) smiled ear-to-ear. "They are. Jasper was wearing an engagement ring."

Gladio then smacked Ignis on the back and whispered to him, "Maybe you can ask that Jasper guy about your doubts."

The tactician adjusted his glasses. He had thought of the idea before the words had even left the shield's mouth. The main reason he had yet to confess his feelings to (Y/n) was because of their status as guardian and master. Jasper could shine a light and help him. "A course of action I am willing to take."

"That's the spirit, Iggy." Gladio shoves his hand into his pocket. "With that pushed aside, let's go meet Iris."

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter || Masterlist

#ffxv #ffxv x reader #final fantasy xv #final fantasy xv x reader #ignis x reader #ignis scientia #ignis scientia x reader

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mor-beck-more-problems · 3 years

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Death Rings Twice || Morgan and Eilidh

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @braindeacl @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: While searching for answers, Morgan and Eilidh realize the situation is worse than they realized.

CONTAINS: conversations with dead people

They came and went in waves. The first time, only the first time, Eilidh believed them to be just a part of being a ghost. James had done so many times—go in and out of view like the watts on a bulb. But those changes had been consensual, come upon by his own will, and he never truly left. Not like she had, and did, and still do. Moments of nothingness. Blink and she was gone, truly and ultimately gone. Blink and she was back, not even left with a memory. Just a faint recollection, a faint feeling of a blank. Like trying to recall a blackout. You knew it was there, you felt it too—pages torn from a book. But you also didn’t, couldn’t, for nothingness was all that remained. Nothingness that seemed to be her destination. Those blinks got longer, longer, longer. With no sign of slowing.

Eilidh knew Morgan was facing her own bouts of strangeness. Maybe they were connected. Morgan believed them to be—magic set loose like a wildfire, with them in its path. Consumed in its flames, would it burn them all the way to the ground? Or would they come out the other side, for the better? This curiosity, and a gnawing worry, compelled her forward, right into Morgan’s residence. She ventured through those great and winding halls, as if she already haunted the place. She ought to haunt at least one. Before it became too late. Passing by an open door, that familiar face was finally seen. Eilidh stopped, stared. Felt that nothingness threatening to claim her again. Visage flickered—like a light on its dying breath. But the feeling passed, leaving her there, shining on. The motion, or her very presence, must’ve caused a stir. The two women met each other’s eyes.

“Boo.”

Morgan just needed to find the right book. Zombies had been around for ages and so even if whatever was happening to her was obviously very rare, it must have happened to someone else before. And that someone must have wanted to write it down. Because magic directly affecting a zombie body at all was worth writing about; doing so in this cruel, backwards way defied everything she understood about magic and living matter. So, Morgan sat on the floor in the library, swimming through a large haul from the scriberary, searching. When Macleod appeared behind the volume she was holding, calling boo, Morgan yelped with surprise.

“Oh! Stars! That was--” she laughed uneasily. “That was something alright.” She sat back and looked at the other woman. She had believed everything Macleod had told her but seeing her friend, so wild and earthbound, so connected to her flesh, floating and transparent was uncanny in a way her mind struggled to process. “I wish I had good news on the funky magic boogaloo front, but there’s just lots of dead ends so far. But that can wait. Are you...okay? At least, relative to our situation?

Good-hearted chuckle lept out of Eilidh—breaking the illusion of the spooky ghost in the corner. She closed the distance between the two, eyes curiously scanning the cover and pages of the book nestled in Morgan’s lap. More were strewn across the room, circling Morgan in a protective barrier, or perhaps a tomb—either for future study or determined unsuited. Where one group ended and the other began, she wasn’t sure. Mouth parted to offer assistance, her hands and mind well-versed to such a skill, but the words quickly died just as her flesh had. Wouldn’t be much use when turning a page was a difficult endeavor. She had learned that fact rather quickly.

When attentions were placed on her, Eilidh perked. “Aye. Convinced this guy his cereal was sentient. And some lady she could control plants.” Snort of delight shot out her nose as their faces returned to memory. But as the chuckles faded, so too did this delight. That lingering worry remained. A hand brushed her lips, seemingly in thought. “Also…” In absence of external stimuli, she bit on a knuckle. But where a prick of sensation, a prick of life, would usually awaken her hand, only a mere acknowledgement greeted her. Fucking hell, how has James not gone mad by now? A low growl rumbled, and at least it felt nice in her chest. Familiar. “Been going in and out. Kinda like blinking. If you did that with a soul. James says it isn’t normal. And they’re getting longer.” Another knuckle met her teeth; that same hollow impact replayed. “Guess it’s soon time.” Her eyes scanned Morgan, transferring the focus back to the other woman. Wandering gaze found the darkness under her friend’s eyes. “What ‘bout you?”

For what seemed like a long time, Morgan could only stare at her friend. Or rather, through her friend. She could see every title on the shelf behind her if she concentrated enough, because Macleod, despite speaking and smiling and grinning and mischief-ing as much as she had ever done, was incorporeal and transparent. Like a ghost. A baby undead ghost. Which wasn’t supposed to exist. “..Blinking? What? Uh, that sounds bad. And weird. I’ve never heard of ghosts doing that before. They cross over, and they have some kind of teleportation thing, but they don’t play peek-a-boo with a whole plane of existence. That’s…” Another very strange, logic defying twist of magic.

Morgan cleared her head and tried to answer Macleod’s questions. “I woke up at the beginning of the week able to feel again. All my physical senses that went dull were back. It took some adjusting, but I think it was more or less how they were when I was alive. But then my body started decaying even when I was full, or more than full, and healing was fading and now it’s basically gone! So I’m basically rotting away for no discernable reason, and I get to be super physically aware of all of it. Also, I smell, so maybe it’s a good thing you don’t have any senses right now. When did your stuff start? I mean, none of this should be happening at all, because the undead are immune to spellcasting magic that engages with our body’s energy, as far as I can tell, and we’re immune to most drugs and toxins, and I haven’t found anyone else in town being effected like this, so it’s not the big cosmic town bullshit--but if we can get a timeline, maybe that will tell us...something.” She sighed and closed the book in her lap, staring off into anywhere but Macleod’s face. The whole world was slipping through their fingers, just when she’d thought it really did want them after all.

Curt laugh escaped Eilidh. “Yeah. You’re telling me.” Just her luck to be subjected to the worst game of peek-a-boo in existence. Maybe her soul truly did want to pass over, but this supposed magic was keeping her here? Maybe the universe was trying to remedy the fact she shouldn’t have remained—at least not in this form—but the magic tried to go against the very will of the cosmos? Thoughts followed that tangent until it caused a dizziness. Bah, there’s too many maybes and what-ifs. She snapped a finger, sharp noise bringing her back to the present. Mind focused on Morgan’s words, her own story. As such a tale unfolded, her face fell, allowing that worry bubbling inside to find itself in her eyes, her parted mouth. Just as quickly, her eyes tightened, mouth closed, jaws tightened. Resolve overcame the worry, gave her goal new fire. “Aye. That is real bad.” Especially when it started so promising—the worst kind. “Best we hop to it prompto, then. Know anything I can look over? Double-check? Triple-check?” The ways of magic, the ways others shifted the energies of the world to their will, was not a strong subject of hers. But perhaps there were other pieces of the puzzle her ever inquisitive eyes could find. She needed that hunt, after all. Needed something to do—when all things physical brought boredom at best, her mind frequently rushed into restlessness.

Eilidh recalled the start of this plight. “I died beginning of this week.” The same as Morgan’s own unfortunes; a fact that did not escape her. “Or alchemied this way. Or some other magic.” At this point, she wasn’t sure which was true. Death was more reasonable to her. Familiarity always felt more reasonable, and she was very familiar with death. But Morgan seemed convinced its cause was magically induced and, well, she was the expert in that regard. Not Eilidh. “Blinked out the first time a few days later. Didn’t think too much of it. ‘Til a few more days later when it kept happening.” How much longer would this affliction let her speak with Morgan? Would it rip her away mid-sentence, as it had with Milo? Sharp snap of fingers returned. Temptation to bite the nagging thoughts away surfaced—to subject another knuckle to her teeth. But the snap sufficed. For now.

Morgan sat back, thinking. The town had already been shifted in the cosmos by the time she and Macleod were affected. And no one else she spoke to, dead or undead, was feeling anything strange in their body. So why them? And how? It didn’t seem right that the universe should literally change its rules just to be cruel to them. And if an alchemy break-through was responsible for Macleod, it didn’t explain her progressive deterioration. She would have to be confined to a circle in order for that to be the case, and the energy required to continually re-write her body would be outrageous.

She looked over at Macleod, aching to give her an answer. “I only have a few general compendiums on the stuff, but maybe there’s some kind of sickness, or some kind of critter that can affect people like us. Like, bookwyrms and brain biters mess with people’s brains, and there’s plenty of necrophages out there maybe…” Some magic, universe defying critter happened to chomp on both of them without their noticing on the exact same night? Morgan could hardly stand to hope for the idea, it sounded ridiculous enough in her head. But she had to try. If she stopped trying, this thing would take her. “Maybe there’s one that can explain this. Weird abilities that make people incorporeal or mess with their magic composition. Um, it’s those thick ones back there--” She pointed. “Or you could check out the area, see if anything unusual is sniffing around. Every critter’s gotta eat and sleep somewhere.” She smiled feebly. “We’ll figure this out before it’s too late. We’ve got too much to live for, right?”

“Critters!” The word shot out like a bullet. That was more Eilidh’s forte. A hand returned thoughtfully to her lips, though a bite did not come. Her mind was moving far too fast to focus on anything physical. Feet began to pace without her knowledge, beating against the air as if they contributed to her movements anymore. “Those bees cause hallucinations…” What were they called again? Those dick-hive bees. She had still yet to encounter them personally—such a treat will have to wait when she finally visits… that woman. Knowledge was acquired specifically for said venture, so she really should remember… “Eintykara.” But as research came tumbling back into her mind, so did an issue. “No. Cold.” Such weathers would cause them to grow sluggish—springing into action now would make no sense. “Hm. Caballi?” Her encounter with one had been very brief, but James’ was much more intimate. And she had certainly heard stories that mimicked their own. Of ghosts being attacked by them. Or more accurately, being fed upon by them. Could be the cause of their deterioration, those astral feedings. Perhaps they can affect zombies too? “But never saw…” They weren’t exactly invisible, to people like them. But much of them was left unknown, on this world at least. Could be a special sort?

More ideas flowed into Eilidh’s mind. And just easily flowed back out—conflictions and contradictions found in every sort. Though the universe was vast and wide and full of exceptions. Hardly anything could be said with certainty. And hardly everything was stored in her mind—that vastness refusing to be contained in just one thing. Or even in one world; creatures not found in any book had laid just beyond those cracks in the air. One, or two, or more could’ve slipped through. “You could be onto something.” Her feet stilled, and it was only then she realized she had been on the move at all. But they already missed that constant motion. Focus turned to the mentioned books, causing a chuckle to stir. “Would. But these guys do whatever the hell they want.” She wiggled her fingers and they blended and meddled together, like waves crashing into each other. “I’ll look ‘round. You focus on the books. We’ll see this through.” There was an attempt to turn and leave, but something held her there just a moment longer. Those hints of decay sprinkled on Morgan’s form—some grown worse over the course of their conversation. “Think you’ll manage?” The question spanning far beyond just Morgan’s research capability.

With the way Macleod lit up at the suggestion, Morgan could actually start to believe they were onto something. The world was full of strange things and there was so much they didn’t know. Of course if it wasn’t someone it had to be something. Maybe even a creature from another dimension. Some of the critters in those portals had probably gotten stuck on this side when Adam closed them, too, and maybe that was why they couldn’t understand the rules this infection worked on.

Morgan met Macleod’s eyes bravely. They were looking for a needle in a haystack. It might take weeks to comb through all of White Crest and identify the exact creatures they were looking for, especially if they turned out to be beyond sapient record on this world. But they would figure it out, wouldn’t they?

Somewhere beyond them, bewildered geese flapped their way to the sky and called to each other for safety, snow crunched under tired feet, a wind blew through the hollow tunnels of the world. Morgan took it all in, staring through the frosted windows. This was a world that buried its secrets better than its dead, but it was also one where life persisted in the most bitter cold. If anyone was proof of that, surely it was her and Macleod. And Morgan had a future to get to; Macleod probably did too, and if she didn’t, she deserved to stick around long enough to come up with one. So she had to be okay. There wasn’t room in this scenario for her not to be.

Morgan summoned her best smile and hoped with all she had that Macleod believed it and let some of the warmth rub off on her. “I’ve got this. And so do you. Death cut us a break once, right? Twice should be just as easy.”

That smile filled the air, found its way on Eilidh’s face, lifting her spirits in turn. Hell yeah. They had this. That implication hung in the air, threatened to bring it all back down. The one where she died. This soul she carried certainly had—will again. And technically death had touched her a few days prior. But the implication ran deeper than that, tied her to an assumption she kept getting chained to. But she did not let that weight touch her; only a twitch of a brow, a tighten of lips, betrayed these thoughts. Resolve kept her steady—kept them both just the same. Fate may try to give them a losing hand, but she’ll keep playing until a full house. And if not, well, seems she’s had her time then. Her soul will enjoy more, if these pesky blinks didn’t consume her in totality. For fate was hungry this week—eating away at her very soul, at Morgan’s very flesh. Was it feeding on others? How far did this hunger spread? She had no mind, no time to worry about passerbyers on the street. Those teeth readied to pierce again, steal more of them away. But she’ll try her hand at dentistry and rip them out before all was taken. “Good to hear! Let’s give this a–”

She vanished.

#wr eilidh #wr chatzy #wr eilidh chatzy #death rings twice

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minalous · 5 years

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when we were young • jjk

pairing: jungkook x reader

description/warnings: none, maybe some kissing, hades!jungkook, mortal!reader || The man named Jungkook. The wonderful man who came into your life and changed it forever. Broken memories is all you have left of him, memories of him playing like a broken record inside your scattered mind. But you still love him, after all these years you love him. Always..

genre: angst | fluff

words: 2.2k

♡

“Is this the last time I get to hold you?”

You don’t leave his hand from yours, you keep holding him as close as you can to savour the last of moments you get to have him. His eyes meet yours in a desperate attempt to burn your image inside his mind, inside his heart. The memory of you will be his sweet remedy.

He was never meant to meet you, never meant to fall in love with you, never meant to hurt you.

He is a God who wanted to see humans from up close and experience those feelings and emotions he was never able to understand. He knew of pain, loss, love, lust, regret, loneliness. He knew how people reacted to the illusion of the existence of emotions, he wondered how humans could be so irrational of trusting one another, how they could be so blind to the truth.

The one truth for him was death. Death was simple, certain, inevitable. And love was the opposite; complicated, vague, inexplicable.

Jungkook’s curiosity was the fatal mistake. The mistake that comes to haunt him for the rest of his immortal life.

But at least you will have all those memories.. Broken memories of the most beautiful days of your mortal life

♡ The first time you met him was on a spring day. The beauty of the blossomed trees was mesmerising, everyone around you was too busy to enjoy how beautiful of a day it was, except for him. A man who had his eyes closed and he seemed so lost into the moment that it made your heart skip a beat. It was such a rare view, same to a hidden gem to still find people willing to stop and stare to the beauty nature can offer. You still remember watching him as if hypnotised, Jungkook reaching out to touch one of the branches of the tree and softly whisper to it.

Every now and then you would see him around the city, it would be more than unavoidable not to notice him. The way he moved around was the equivalent of aristocratic. His manners were out of this world but whenever you were to steal some glances, his eyes would seem so full of curiosity and excitement. Everything was going so well, you looking at him from afar until the day Jungkook’s eyes stared into yours and at that moment you swear you felt infinite.

The days would come and go so quickly since you met him, getting to know him was a new experience to the both of you. Jungkook seemed to know every little thing for the universe itself but when it came to the smallest of things, he acted as a child ready to get a candy within his grasp. It was beautiful and rare to interact with someone who was spellbound by you, someone who was both excited and anxious about the new things you could explore together.

Jungkook was the person you had been waiting your whole life for; he would message you to ask you if it was okay to go on another date but would always ask you if it was too cold for you to go out. His consideration about everything would seem annoying to someone else but to you was the sweetest of things.

♡

The warmth of the winter sun is one of the moments you can still recall with great ease, the faint wind blowing the last of the leaves away and the scenery unravelling before you was so breathtaking. The sea looked as if taken from an ancient painting, put before your eyes and waiting for you to step inside it, to be taken in another world. A world were you can be with him, just you and Jungkook.

That day, the day when you spent hours and hours of sharing moments, dreams and wishes for the future to come, you could feel the longing in your heart. It was a feeling you could not shake away, a feeling screaming you were about to suffer a great loss. But Jungkook was right there beside you, so what could go wrong?

And on that day when you were so scared about your future with him, it was the day you shared your first kiss. The kiss felt pure, filled with emotions, so full of love and longing. It was the kind of kiss you wait for a thousand lives, a kiss you only have once.

♡

You remember the first time you saw him gazing at the snow as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world. His eyes met the endless of the night sky and when a small snowflake hit his warm cheek you could swear his childlike, innocent smile was the purest form of love you ever felt in your life. Jungkook turned around to see your sweet smile, the smile you only had for him.

“I wish I could feel like that everyday” Jungkook said suddenly

“Like what?” you asked softly

“I wish everyday was like that; waking up by your side and not have a care for the world. Just you and I” he told you as his fingers brushed against your hand “It feels right to be here with you, to live this moment, to share it with you” his fingers now intertwined with yours and as he was about to start walking again, he put your hands inside his coat’s pocket.

“Your innocence makes me love you even more..”

♡

“My selfishness brought us here.” Jungkook was muttering to himself

You may not have been able to completely understand what was going through his mind but deep inside, deep inside you knew it had to be this uneasy feeling you always had. The love you were experiencing with him was too good to be true, you being happy for once in your life was not meant to last.

“What is it?” you asked him softly but in vain

Jungkook was picking up random stuff he had left scattered around his house, moving around from room to room to collect items he may have forgotten. Before you could even recollect your thoughts, ask him what is happening, he spoke again.

“It was all worth it. It is worth it”

With his hand wrapped around your waist he ever so carefully guides you towards the front door.

“Please wait for me at the car. I will be there in a few minutes” you are about to complain but he stops you

“Please don’t fight me on that. Go. Just go. Please..” he says softly and with a soft kiss on the top of your head, he gives you a bittersweet smile and closes the door behind you.

But knowing you, you do not leave. You simply stand there, behind the closed door, wondering why all out of the sudden he began being so mysterious and weird around you. For one, you knew for sure there were parts of him you could never quite understand in depth but that was what you loved about him.

The door you thought. You could open the door and go see what was the reason of his absurd behaviour, why he was acting so differently. All kind of thoughts were running through your mind; him being terminally ill. Why was your mind your worst enemy? The anxiety was about to consume you whole so your body did you a favour, your hand pushed the door open.

No, you cannot lose him. Not him.

You could never remember what you saw that day, the only memory was waking up inside Jungkook’s arms, him being a trembling mess. He kept apologising about corrupting your innocent soul, his aura influencing your mind. How he could be so oblivious to the threats he made you face.

That was the day he revealed who he was, that was the day you lost him forever.

♡

“It was never your fault. It is not your fault you chose to love me. It is my fault, mine and only. This human heart inside my chest beats only for you and every cell in this body screams out its love for you. If I were ever meant to be on this earth and live a human life, I would be honoured to be yours, to be your soulmate.” Standing still for a moment, Jungkook’s eyes follow the tears threatening to fall from the corners of your eyes. When his hand softly cups your cheek, you instinctively lean on his touch with his warmth blinding your thoughts.

“We need to say goodbye. Should I stay more, I may never be able to leave” Jungkook feels something wetting his cheek and for a moment he is confused by the strangeness of it.

“You’re my tear” he says as he wipes the drop of tear “You’re the emotions I never had”

For he was the Angel of death, protector of the damned souls, an immortal God who should have never fallen in love with the mortal you. He was Hades.

And you.. The mortal you. You were everything he could dream of but never could possess.

A love doomed into the eternity with no hope to blossom. An eternal hope of a spring day that shall remain frozen into the coldness of his winter

“I wish I’d be your last” the voice you heard was so faint but you knew. You knew it was him, wishful thoughts of you being there for him and him being with you for the rest of your days..

♡

“I miss you”

This faint whispering you keep listening must be a mistaken memory of yours. The old you has been thinking of him, recalling everything dear and beautiful you have been keeping close to your heart all these years. You are alone in this world, falling into deep thoughts of how different your life could have been if you ever chose to marry the man called Namjoon, the man who begged you to let him heal your broken heart. But your heart wasn’t yours to heal. It ever belonged to him, the voice you have been wishing to remember until it is impossible to forget.

Old and alone. Because how could you ever love without Jungkook? But you lived a happy life, you lived until you would see him again.

“I still want you”

This voice. Even after all these years the voice never leaves you alone. Is it a dream?

The room seems to get darker around you, the light on your nightstand can barely illuminate the corners of it. There is no fear though for what it is to come, this familiar feeling of complete serenity is bathing your soul and for once in a long time you feel at peace.

“It is time, my love” the voice says.. But it is right beside you now.

“Finally” you can barely get out “you came back for me”

“I never left” you can now see Jungkook’s beautiful face, his figure towering over your smaller, weaker frame

“You are still so beautiful, so young” you tell him and you can see him smile, after decades of missing him, he is here

“So are you” Jungkook leans down to place a soft kiss on your lips and heaven knows how long you have waited for this moment to come

Jungkook ever so carefully helps you get up from the bed, feeling lightweight after months of not being able to stand on your own. He guides you in front of the standing mirror in one of the corners of your room.

“Am I young again?” you say in disbelief

“We can have our second chance in afterlife. Come with me, my love”

You turn around to face the truth; your old, lifeless body is laying peacefully on the bed but you do not feel ready to leave. The love of your life is standing centimetres away from you but still, you are not complete.

“I have one last question before I leave this world.” you start “ The day before you left me, something happened, something that scared you.”

Jungkook calmly explained to you what he found out while being with you, how he was slowly claiming your soul. Being the God of Death, it was inevitable, you were cursed to live separately while being mortal. He never meant to hurt you..“I waited for you. Until it was your time to leave this earthly world and be with me. I waited..”

“Are you ready?” Jungkook asks you but you keep looking back at the nightstand

“Just one moment” you respond, walking back to your nightstand to shuffle through your belongings.

“Take my hand now, love” is all he had to say and you willingly followed. You were ready to let go

In the last moment you had left in the earthly world, you wished to leave the most precious thing you ever had in your possession, to be left with what you loved the most. You had placed it in your hand so you can be with it, body and soul.

A gift from Jungkook to you, a beautiful gift that had “Forever yours” written on its back. A photograph of when you were young.

“I am ready”

#msnbqd2020 #magicshopnet #ficswithluv #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook imagines #Jungkook Fanfiction #jungkook x reader

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beautifulphoenixdoll · 4 years

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CENTER OF HOPE

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am ashamed to say that, and I shouldn’t be. I never judge anyone else or anyone else’s diagnosis. I did not ask for this condition. But I have it, like several millions who have mental health illnesses. For the first time in the history of the human species Mental Health is being discussed amongst each other openly in much more public avenues. That being said, I feel it is my due diligence to use my voice, and share what it has been like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. Imagine a blister, fragile to the touch, prone to infection, with just a thin layer of skin protecting your insides from being exposed to collecting dirt or other bacteria that cause a fatal infection if untreated. A borderline female is a beautiful and chaotic thing. On one hand we tend to be the most loving, creative, sensitive, thoughtful, and compassionate beings. On the other we have spent our lives taking in messages and our surroundings and using them against ourselves, feeling controlled by our emotions, afraid of our own brains and the places our thoughts can lead us to. A common thread is that we mostly we have spent our lives in SO much pain. Pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Pain that a razor or blade soothe, for a blades sharp edge doesn’t even come close to how we are feeling inside but is sharp enough to distract us from the pain within. We are known to seek attention at any cost. Starving ourselves, or overeating. Whether its selling our bodies, offering our bodies, or treating our own like nothing more then a sexual object we seek the comfort of someone elses to let us know we are alright, that we are indeed desired, that we can be “loved”. Because we hate the skin were in. Because having someone’s hand on us even if it is just for a night means we don’t have to be alone. Being Alone is the scariest place to be. Alone the pain is magnified and something that would rub a non bpd the wrong way could make us feel like we want to end it all and just die. We convince ourselves that living—living is just too hard, and that this pain…. This all consuming pain that cripples us physically, emotionally, spiritually—I mean all around-- will never end. There are times where we see clearly. Those are the times we are happy to be alive. We get another day to enjoy the sun that beams brightly on our faces—you can see when were happy, when we are in love, when we believe in something positive and strongly—you will never question how we feel—for we cannot hide it… we are open souls and we are open hearted and the least judgemental creatures that are seeking to be understood while trying to understand our own sense of self. That is where Borderline Personality gets tricky--- especially young borderlines because our brains, sense of time, and worldly knowledge are still so far from being fully developed. Not only do we have a lot to learn but we have to learn it while our brain is on fire. And that is the thing—I Spent most of my life fighting my BPD symptoms on top of just trying to have a life, go to school, make friends, be a good daughter and sister, and girlfriend… and it was all just too much to take on. A simple task became the end of the world for me--- no one would ask someone to stitch up a hole on the back of their jeans while they were stuck in their house that was on fire surrounded by flames… they would tell them to get out. And that is how I felt—entitled to get out, in any way, any shape, or form… I just had to get out of my brain. But in the moment how do you explain that to someone who doesn’t understand that sewing up a hole with needle and thread pushes you off the edge? And that was what it was like when I was emotionally dysregulated. I was and can be a DANGER to myself. I wouldn’t harm a fly-a rat-a mouse, but I am the most LETHAL when it comes to myself, and myself only. Some of us break things, I did. But only to demonstrate the rage that built up inside of me. Only to show people that inside I am indeed hurting to this amount. The desire to be understood, or for someone to tell us that they too feel similarly—is so needed and helpful in the most profound way. I say this because without meeting the wonderful human beings I have met in treatment facilities suffering from BPD or other mental health diagnosis—all with gifts and challenges and a battle to fight of their own-- I would never EVER have the courage to come forward and share my experience.

It is in breaking my anonymity that I want to share with everyone that suffers with a mental health diagnosis that you are not alone. That you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you can have a healthy and productive life with a recovery plan. Mental Health Treatment is much like attending AA—you need a DAILY reprieve to battle your condition. Without a treatment plan, without the proper and continuous and regimented medication (if needed), therapy, support system, and schedule you will have a much rougher time combating whatever youre facing. Not only is mental health a booming topic of discussion but the field itself is growing in ways that are remarkable. I spent so long fighting my diagnosis, fighting the treatment, fighting taking medication, fighting was recommended because I did not want to have my diagnosis. I did not want to believe I was in a category of people that needed pills to function normally—but how many people take medication every day to make sure their bones stay strong, or help with their lactose intolerant problems?

Everyday I wake up and re commit to another day of making sure my mental health is my number one priority—and the first thing I do is reminding myself that I ACCEPT myself for everything that I am. That I am not my diagnosis but that I indeed have Borderline. With practice and effort the things that once seemed so heavy no longer are, but only because I have been attending a diagnostic program where I have been able to set up a structured schedule that I will maintain after leaving. I noticed that If I sleep at the same time and wake at the same time, I am a different person. I noticed that with daily physical exercise even if it means walking for an hour I feel much better about myself and my body stays energized. Meditation is so crucial. As long as I meditate once a day in the morning my entire day tends to go positively. I have become a huge fan of DBT. I was not always a fan- especially as an adolescent --- oh how against it I once was… The workbook and concepts that were (this is putting it lightly) mundane, boring, and militant are what my mind craves. I love the structure-I love what it has given back to me.

The young girl who was so terrified of herself and her own brain knows that feelings are just feelings—I mean I always understood that saying but I never had any control of my own feelings—I was a runner. You couldn’t get me to sit still, or spend an evening alone with having a complete meltdown EVER. I am so strong now that I laugh at that—I laugh because I am free. I am smiling as I write this because I know that I have the skills to face things, have done so here at lidner. I smashed the fear of having to sit through things, to get through things on my own that used to CONSUME me WHOLE—and now do it happily because that means that I AM in control not the other way around. Lindner and DBT has given me, myself back. There is not a better gift once can receive after being lost for so long. I keep thinking gosh I want to share it with everyone—I feel like ive been given this secret remedy--- so I have never been more excited to start my life, to give back, to try and help others who are still struggling battling themselves, their brains, their emotions this wonderful tool that not only has saved my life but has also given me myself back.

Can I say it again: I am in control of my emotions- I can sit with them- I can stay self regulated- I can challenge my thoughts and not be afraid- I handle crisis’ without making things worse and I definitely without a doubt have more better days then bad ones. Who would have ever thought this would happen? It surely feels like a dream, but its happened since January 7th 2021—and it will continue to happen because Ive been given the key, and its not going anywhere else except for in my daily routine.

#dbt therapy #dbt #borderline personality problems #bpd recovery #truth #radicalselflove #hope #mentalwellness #yourenotalone #letsunite #smashthestigma #howtomoveon #recovery #who else is here #helping others

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fcb4 · 3 years

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A Prayer of Confession

The word and concept of sin isn’t that popular today. We are submerged in a culture of ultra plushy comfort and helicopter care and are breathlessly concerned about offending and harming anyone with any self-reflection that might be too negative or cause unsettled or alarming feelings. We are coddled and cooed at from almost every perch be it pious or pagan.

I also understand the needful correction from cranky and curmudgeonly religious eras or circles. I get the animosity raised by hateful screamer preachers on community corners that have driven many people far away from any sound examination of one’s actions towards others or our own inner state of being. It’s a mess all around. I feel ya.

All that aside, I still find it helpful when I come across an old prayer of confession that puts to words what ails me. I often wonder if the soul doctors out there today have forgotten what the true sickness is that’s harming and hamstringing so many lives. So I hope that other fellow sinners and saints will find some remedy in this old timey confession.

A prayer meant to help the soul come out into the light of truth.

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” - 1 John 1:8-9

A Prayer of Confession The International Book of Common Prayer Edition, located in the ‘Additional Prayers’ section.

O most holy Lord God, I thy unworthy servant do here prostrate myself before thee in all humility, acknowledge and confessing my manifold sins and wickedness. My whole life has abounded with actual transgressions against every one of thy commandments.

I have, O Lord, lived in contempt of thy providence, committing idolatry with thy creatures, taking thy glorious name in vain, profaning thy most holy sabbath. I have not shown reverence to those whom it was due. I have envied my brethren, defiled my soul with unchaste desires, laboured to be rich by unlawful means. I have slandered my neighbor, and coveted his wealth.

I have heard thy word, O Lord, but have not believed it. I have known thy word, but have not practiced it. I have come into thy house without reverence, and approached thy holy table without repentance.

I have practiced many sins without remorse. And when I read thy sacred Scriptures, it is not as sweet to me as the honeycomb, but my delight is more in ungodliness, profaness, and atheism.

I have by gluttony and drunkenness pampered my body; I am guilty of pride in my appearance; I am negligent in my calling by misplacing my time; I have spoken vainly at my table, and have sinned out of measure against all those means of grace which thou hast been pleased to afford me from time to time. I have wandering eyes, wanton lusts, an ambitious mind, and covetous desires which have no bounds nor limits. I have lascivious ears, unsavory speeches, and censorious reproaches.

I am still adding sin unto sin, and transgression unto transgression, and am altogether unfaithful in my life, and forgetful of my death and the day of judgment. My abusing of thy mercies and despising of thy judgments is testified against me, yet, O Lord, I am not ashamed, nor confess myself guilty, but still run on in a course of sinning against the works of thy Holy Spirit and the checks of my own conscience, and have refused thy calls and my own purposes and vows of amendment.

O what shall I say, or how shall I open my mouth, O thou that art the preserver of all men?

I know the wages of sin is death, but thy gift, O God, is eternal life, through Jesus Christ our Lord. O enter not into judgment with thy servant, O Lord, for in thy sight is no flesh righteous.

Be merciful, O Lord, be merciful unto my sins for they are great, out of thy abundant mercy forgive me all that is past, and be gracious unto me in preventing sins to come. Correct me, O Lord but with mercy, not in thy judgment, for then shall I be consumed and brought to nothing. Destroy in me,

O Lord, the cursed works of the devil, increase in me daily the gifts of thy Spirit, fit me for that calling in which thou has placed me, and make me to employ the strength of my body, the gifts of my mind, and whatsoever grace thou hast already or wilt hereafter bestow upon me, to the glory of thy holy name and the eternal salvation of my own soul.

And grant the remainder of the time which I shall live in this present evil world, that my conversation may be in heaven, and that whether I eat or drink or whatsoever I do, I may hear always this voice sounding in my ear: ‘Arise you dead and come to judgement.’

Many other things, O Lord, I have to beg--things that my ignorance knoweth not how to ask, or my forgetfulness remembereth not--but accept, O Lord, this my humble confession unto thee at this time and whatever else thou knowest needful for me, supply it by the merits of thy dear Son, my only Lord and Saviour, who taught me to pray:

Our Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, The power, and the glory, For ever and ever. Amen.

#prayer #BCOP #Sin

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kiruuuuu · 4 years

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I had the pleasure of talking this through with you, @cerosin, and the end result is.... definitely unhealthier than your initial request, but I hope you’ll like it anyway :) I also certainly took my time with this, thank you for waiting and thank you for the request 🖤🖤 (Kapkan/Glaz, Rating E, angst fluff + smut, ~4.6k words)

He can tell when it gets bad again.

Obviously, there are the spontaneous bursts, attacks he can neither predict nor prevent and therefore has to react on the spot, but those have receded: the people around them have learnt how to avoid triggering anything, and Glaz has learnt how to remove Kapkan from these situations efficiently. No, this isn’t about sudden, blind panic, not about shortness of breath or wild eyes. This is about the prickling right below Glaz’ skin; like a constant stream it erodes the sense of safety that’s built up over weeks or, if they’re lucky, months. Erodes the complacency like it’s dust settling in bit by bit, undisturbed and growing. Glaz has stopped minding boring. Because boring implied a routine, and calmness, and freedom from -

From the alternative.

From what’s happening right now.

If anyone asked, he’d reply that he feels safe no matter what. That he’s in control, and even if he’s not, that he knows how to regain it; after all, he senses it coming as it accumulates slowly, yet not so slow he doesn’t notice. He’s safe, even if he wakes up to a sharp jab in the side or a hand around his throat, because he can deal with it. He’s safe, even if temper flares hotly at him like an open flame, because he knows it might lick him, leave a stinging burn, but it will never consume him.

He justifies himself to this non-existent asker, someone on the outside, a concerned citizen. He does this a lot, conducts conversations like he’s Plato writing a dialogue between his teacher, Socrates, and someone unimportant, someone only necessary to play dumb and prompt the next wall of text. Glaz goes into great detail until this imaginary person is convinced. He wonders what this says about him.

So yes. He’s as confident as ever, though he takes the warning signs seriously. He listens to the tone rising in volume with each passing day, powerless to stop it but capable of manipulating it.

“You’ve already asked me twice what I want for breakfast so stop fucking talking about it”, snaps the love of his life, a man who leaves him breathless in so many ways each and every day.

Glaz doesn’t mention how Kapkan has failed to give a straight answer so far, and instead defuses the tension with a bratty: “Guess I’ll just feed the leftovers to the neighbour’s dog then.”

He can basically hear Kapkan perking up at this, even if his back is turned. If possible, his lover would eat meat for literally every meal, and heated up for breakfast, he’s even more unable to say no. “You know I’d eat it out of her bowl if necessary”, he grumbles, the fire having died down as quickly as it reared up. Glaz has gotten extremely good at appeasing him over the years.

“I’ll take that as a yes then”, he summarises and tosses the scraps in question into the microwave. Self neglect is one of the largest red flags Kapkan wears on his back whenever it gets bad, and it’s the one Glaz will combat head on. It’s the one he’s allowed to mention as it doesn’t scream you’re abnormal, you’re ill, you’ve got issues – instead, he can disguise it as stress, something easily forgettable, low priority. As such, it’s easiest to deal with as he can remedy it immediately: suggest taking a bath together, which is something Kapkan never refuses, or he offers to cook, pretends he’s not feeling well and needs company so Kapkan joins him in bed early. Once there, his lover falls asleep quickly, but left to his own devices, he’d stay up till morning.

No, he doesn’t need to babysit him, Glaz informs his imaginary interviewer politely yet firmly. Kapkan can and does take care of himself. But if he can facilitate it, why shouldn’t he? He receives more than enough in return. Kapkan would die for him in a heartbeat, he knows this because it almost happened before, he’d do whatever Glaz demands of him, he’s a reliable presence in Glaz’ life, loving, supportive, strong. Their infatuation is mutual and not diminished by demons which are not Kapkan’s fault.

It’s difficult to predict how this episode will go. Some cumulate in a fight, be it verbal or physical, others peak unnoticeably and then ebb until Glaz nearly forgets about the whole thing, can’t imagine a universe where they aren’t the world’s most perfect couple. People often don’t appreciate their health until they fall ill. Glaz has learnt to fiercely appreciate the days on which every smile is teased out gently instead of requiring heavy machinery to surface.

They met in Spetsnaz, a perceived eternity ago, and by all rights should’ve separated unscathed instead of their lives intermingling the way they did in the end. Glaz’ hand to hand was rubbish and Kapkan consistently disappointed in him, leaving them both frustrated with each other, yet not to the point of memorability. Kapkan should’ve remained that morose instructor with the hard set to his mouth, and Glaz his largely incompetent yet well-meaning student of which he’s probably had plenty. Nothing about him was remarkable – nothing about either of them, really –, until some people fell ill and some others got married, and suddenly Glaz was accompanying his fellow Spetsnaz on an extended hunting trip. As if Glaz had been fifteenth in line for the throne and fate removed all fourteen in between, and now he was at his coronation, not entirely sure how he got here.

It wasn’t the two of them alone, of course, a few acquaintances and curious souls went with them, but overall not enough people to comfortably hide one’s personality for an entire month. This is when Glaz noticed that Kapkan, when talking about his passion, was easy to look at. The glint in his otherwise piercing pale eyes was contagious and Glaz inquired a lot more about hunting in general and Kapkan’s experience specifically than he’d originally intended.

Usually, Glaz falls easily, almost at the drop of a hat. Someone smiles at him wrong, someone does him an unexpected favour, and he’s gone. Lost. If this happens, it’s fleeting. But when it takes him a while to even realise he’s staring and hovering, it means it’s serious.

They require five years to get together.

During that time, they keep invading each other’s life almost by chance, end up assigned to the same place or on the same mission, and the grin he receives when they meet once more is a genuine one. Glaz longs for more and ever more: a laugh, then a touch, time spent alone, time spent alone that’s timeless and neverending in their minds. Every new bit which he almost wishes into existence he treasures and keeps it close to his heart so it warms him during the time between their meetings. This is how he thinks of his days now – either real, actual events, or merely waiting. When Kapkan isn’t there, reality loses its focus.

He doesn’t remember the words leading up the kiss and it’s something he regrets to this day. Vaguely, he recalls words too brazen and brash for his otherwise quiet, timid character, though they probably were nothing but innocent to others. But Kapkan – Kapkan understood, Kapkan who’s known him for years and can tell it’s unusual for him, and he let it happen. Despite nothing coming back, Glaz wasn’t under the impression of his flattery to bounce off the hard exterior, rather he noticed it penetrating the roughness, finding holes in its defence. Kapkan soaked it up. He refused to dance but admired Glaz’ efforts nonetheless. And so they kissed.

Kissed in full gear, the relief of an uneventful mission flooding their systems, perched in the snow next to each other and lost in conversation instead of paying attention to something their colleagues had under control anyway. A routine extraction, no support needed, and Kapkan pulled down the cloth hiding his lower face when Glaz offered him some warm coffee, and then their lips are touching, their breath visible in the icy air and Glaz’ shoulder killing him over this odd angle.

Despite going home alone that day, he got no second of sleep. His heart wouldn’t calm down, and neither his thoughts. I’m the happiest man alive, he thought, clear as day and not a doubt in his mind.

“Strip.”

It does have its good sides. Two, as far as Glaz is concerned: Kapkan sticks to him like Velcro to wool, knowing nobody else can keep him in check the way his lover does. The worse it gets, the more excuses pop up to stay at home, to go out alone, to take Glaz along. He doesn’t mind switching topics and reading body language like a hawk if he can hold Kapkan’s hand in return, witness his dry wit and remarkable patience.

The second positive side effect is linked to the first. Being around each other constantly leads to certain things.

Glaz takes his time because he knows Kapkan likes it this way. He follows their established routine and discards his sweater first without revealing any skin on his torso. The motion exposes his arms, which he flexes subtly – he doesn’t need to cast a glance at his lover to know his eyes have strayed from his face. His t-shirt is next, showing off his chest and the ridges of his abs through controlled breathing and contracting his muscles at the right moment.

It’s slow, this ritual of theirs, deliberate, hides nothing. Glaz feels more and more naked in more ways than one, as if he’s laying his soul bare together with his body. Undressing is too profane a word, can’t come close to denoting what’s happening between them. He bathes in Kapkan’s attention, normally is indifferent about his own body but now takes pride as he’s being desired – a conscious action for its own sake. Kapkan wants him. It’s a state of being rather than a base need.

He isn’t unaffected. The more fabric lines the floor, the warmer the air gets: Glaz is sweating in the cool bedroom, cheeks reddened and his excitement visible, even more so once he’s fully nude. He breathes hard and dares not meet Kapkan’s gaze. This isn’t about him, after all, this is about obeying and allowing Kapkan to let off steam and an exercise in control. This is how Kapkan convinces himself he’s in control. He needs to be, desperately. And challenging him on this is the last thing Glaz wants.

“Lie down.”

The command is sharp yet leaves Glaz’ skin unmarred: he’s used to this, even looks forward to it when he begins noticing the change in Kapkan’s behaviour. Complying is natural, the sheet a cold relief under his heated body. He expected to be ordered to suck him, which is the most common request he receives in moments like these – he likes drawing it out but Kapkan usually can’t wait to be inside him, so he rarely gets to blow him under normal circumstances. Right now, when it’s about showing off the power he holds over Glaz, Kapkan doesn’t mind dragging it out. Quite the opposite.

“Hold these.”

A twitch between Glaz’ legs, he can’t tell from which body part (or maybe both?), because he knows what these words mean. He doesn’t have the peace of mind for this, he’ll fail and it’ll all be over, he already knows this. Not once has he passed this challenge, not once was he able to see it through to the end, resulting in a heavy throb in his crotch for the rest of the night until he could take care of himself without Kapkan knowing. It’s the sweetest torture, but torture it is nonetheless. He’s sure he’ll disappoint his lover.

Regardless, he lifts his hands until he can put his fingers together, letting Kapkan place objects between each pair of fingertips. Tonight, they’re bullets, threatening to slip out and fall onto his belly immediately. Whether or not he’ll be satisfied today relies entirely on his ability to hold them, restrain himself from sudden movements, concentrate until it’s over. If even only one drops, Kapkan will stop.

His tongue is hot, scorching hot, and velvety smooth, and Glaz’ eyelashes are fluttering. He stares at the bare ceiling, praying to an unknown deity for strength and presence of mind, and then he’s enveloped whole. His body shakes with his stuttering in- and exhales, but he keeps the ammunition where it is. For now.

This is what it must feel like when he services Kapkan. Hardly more than teasing, only just enough to keep his pleasure climbing and climbing, however minuscule the progress. Glaz cherishes every centimetre he slips further into the wet heat and curses it simultaneously. His mouth is struggling to produce sound as it doesn’t seem to know what’s appropriate; no moans escape him, his gasps are aborted and all that leaves his throat is a pained gargling, almost unwilling because he wants this so bad, wants to enjoy it yet has to stop himself from losing to the overwhelming pleasure.

Only when Kapkan sits up does Glaz realise how tense he is, that every muscle in his body was painfully taut. Bit by bit, he relaxes consciously, fighting back the memory of how it felt to be touched, licked, loved like this in order to focus. One of the metal objects has shifted, so he corrects it. Just in time before a hand closes around him.

The callouses on their own do nothing for him, but paired with perfect technique and the knowledge of all his sensitive spots, it’s nearly too much. Glaz moves into the motion, lifts his hips in the hopes of a speedier resolution, cursing inwardly when the rhythm slows to a crawl in response. Kapkan isn’t making this easy for him, that’s the whole point. The ministrations cease again for a moment, Glaz’ thighs are lifted, his legs bent, and this time, when he feels a tongue exploring him, it’s further down.

He squeezes his eyelids shut. This is too much. He can’t bear it. His toes twitch with pangs of discomfort, but when the hand returns, the mixture tilts into nothing but pure bliss. With every lick, his hands jolt, and he’s somehow still holding on to the bullets, without knowing how but not caring, not when he’s being opened through nothing but Kapkan’s mouth. He can feel his breath ghosting over his skin.

When he can’t take it anymore, he seeks other outlets. He digs his heels into the mattress, throws his head left and right, moans and whimpers and keens at the digits probing deep while a slick muscle tugs on his rim and a tight grip brings him closer and closer. He’s shivering as if it was below zero, and still his fingers don’t budge. The centre of his universe are these five gleaming items, and fanning out from there is deep elation emerging from inside him. Moving isn’t against the rules, so he writhes and rises and falls, strains upwards and downwards and rides towards his climax with chattering teeth. He can’t lose himself or everything will be in vain. But he wants to, oh does he want to.

His orgasm shatters him. His back curves as soon as the first wave hits him, and there he remains, right on the zenith, the sensations hardly fluctuating – instead it’s a steady stream of impossible pleasure and relief flooding him and his rigid form. He’s so tightly coiled that he presses out the bullets from between his fingertips, the warmed metal falling to his stomach and mixing with the long stripes painted onto his own skin, but he couldn’t care less. It’s monumental and leaves him shuddering for a minute afterwards, still revelling in the intensity of the moment.

Sinking back into the pillows, it’s as if a spell has been lifted. Kapkan regards him with a mixture of pride and smugness, warming Glaz’ heart: gone is the no-nonsense stare, the hard set to his mouth, the roughness in his touch. They smile at each other, a soft palm trailing over Glaz’ hips and thighs, and all he wants is to sleep curled up against this man whom he knows so well.

“Turn around”, says Kapkan. And though there’s a gentle hint in his voice, it’s obvious he won’t accept a no.

He doesn’t ask whether it’s alright for Glaz, because he’d let him know if it wasn’t. They’re both aware Glaz would speak up, meaning his compliance directly implies permission. This unspoken rule makes a lot of things easier.

No preparation needed, Kapkan has worked him open with his mouth and fingers already, so he slides right into the sensitive and overstimulated hole. Up to the hilt. Glaz’ whine is lost in the pillows.

“You’re beautiful”, Kapkan whispers and Glaz feels it in his throat, balls his hands into fists and clenches them around the sheets because he won’t be shown any more patience this evening.

Despite the discomfort, he likes this, too, the rawness of it and the glimpse he gets of undisguised emotions. In between sharp snaps and hard thrusts, Kapkan compliments him, each of his words melting Glaz below him, and the kisses now and then mask the loud noises. He doesn’t dare reciprocate, keeps his vocalisations garbled and takes it without moving, drinking in the growls and not commenting on the teeth burying into his skin. They’ll leave marks, he knows this.

This is what Kapkan’s composed attitude from before hid, this is what he really feels. Glaz would never deprive him of this, no matter how uncomfortable it is, because it’s one of the purest displays of Kapkan’s love. He can’t get enough of Glaz, doesn’t seem to know what to do with all this affection he harbours, so now and then it spills over. It’s reassuring. Their feelings for each other are this strong.

While Kapkan showers, Glaz gathers the bullets and lines them up on the bedside table. Reflecting the soft light from outside, they shimmer like golden stars.

Glaz is aware they might use them to end someone’s life.

This time, the climax announces itself. Like a freight train, it makes itself known from quite a distance away, whereas Glaz is chained to the tracks; he’s got a date and even a time when he’ll be able to stare into the conductor’s eyes. He realises with horror that he’ll have to ride this one out, no way around it: Kapkan is scheduled for the exercise and found out before Glaz did, eliminating the possibility of approaching Harry about it. His defence would’ve been weak yet honest – in the moment, Kapkan will act and react exactly like his intensive training ingrained in him, no doubt about it. It’s the after which causes Glaz considerable anguish. But re-assigning him would draw his attention and then Glaz would bear the brunt of it personally and not by association.

Kapkan has been getting worse for a while now, his light, restless sleep a good indicator for rising agitation, and as soon as he hears about the exercise, he knows. No way around this either: he knows. Stubborn as he is, he’ll walk right into it expecting a different outcome, will deny any parallels locked in his mind between watching his colleagues go down, not knowing where the shots were coming from, expecting to be next, and experiencing much of the same in a controlled setting. I know it’s not real, he says, and then a different voice must pop up in his mind later: But this was. Remember? Let me remind you.

Glaz is fully aware of what will happen and Kapkan too, and still inaction is his best option. He distracts him with little sessions of having Kapkan describe a mutual acquaintance or friend while drawing exactly what he says and then prompting outraged chuckles when he presents the final result. He cooks every day, either breakfast or dinner, and Kapkan lets him. This is what worries Glaz the most, because he’s sure Kapkan can tell he’s walking on eggshells around him, and instead of calling him out on it, he accepts it quietly. Seems to appreciate the kid gloves. He’s never done this before, and it’s terrifying.

Two days before the scheduled catastrophe, Glaz finds himself in the kitchen, staring at the open cutlery drawer and catching himself wondering where he should stow it all. It takes him a long while to realise he’s crying, and even longer to understand why – Kapkan is in good hands tonight, out with people Glaz knows he can trust, and he’s had a relaxing evening involving a long bath, a good film, and delicious leftovers. He should be feeling better than he did all week, yet it’s achieved the opposite effect: all the pent-up tension is flowing out of him in salty droplets now that he doesn’t need to be painfully aware of his surroundings at all times. His joints are aching and he’s shivering; stress has caught up with him as well as all the thinking he postponed to less rainy days.

He thinks about how eerily calm Kapkan has been. How much he has postponed as well.

Slamming the drawer shut, he heads straight to bed and ignores the icy tendrils curling around his limbs, even though they only recede once Kapkan has joined him hours later.

The next morning, his outburst and physical discomfort become crystal clear, though the newfound explanation does nothing to quell Glaz’ dread. He’s ill.

Neither the first time nor the last he’s dragged himself into work despite a fever, though most of his co-workers care enough to point out his paleness. Staring back from the mirror is an ashen-faced shadow of a man drenched in sweat, and though it’s probably only the flu, the implications are far-reaching. Depending on whether he gets better today or not, he won’t be able to work tomorrow. Or accompany Kapkan. Cushion his fall.

At the end of the day, it seems an impossibility – concentrating on anything requires much more brain capacity than he has to spare, and keeping himself hydrated and fed is a task so monumental he can’t possibly shoulder it twice. Barely does he notice Kapkan shoving him into the shower to wash off the uncomfortable clamminess left on his skin, and the next time he’s lucid, he’s in bed with a jug of water on the nightstand. He must’ve been forced to take some medicine as the aching isn’t as bad anymore, he no longer feels like shedding his own skin and the pounding in his head has subsided. Like this, he can hardly depend on himself.

The air is fluffy snow on his skin, impeding his movements and causing his teeth to clack together as he fights his way to the living room, intent on spending every minute he can in Kapkan’s presence to soothe them both. All he gains, however, is an angry snarl and a manhandling the way he came – his lover isn’t having any of it. Still. He remains by Glaz’ side and he probably has his own pitiful whining to thank for it. Throughout the rest of the evening and the night, whenever he wakes up, there’s a solid presence behind his back. And even if Kapkan barely sleeps himself, he stays right where he is.

Waking up to an empty bed is a blow Glaz could do without. He feels better – marginally –, but what sends him into a full blown panic is the realisation that it’s out of his hands now. However Kapkan reacts today, he won’t be present to absorb the shock, and he can’t figure out the best course of action when he’s ignorant of what happened. Calling someone else to inquire in detail seems messy as it’d get them talking, meaning all he can do is wait.

So he waits.

Waits like someone on death row, barely touches the food Kapkan placed next to the refilled jug and skims the books next to the food listlessly. And waits. Waits for the inevitable jingling of keys, steps which might be soft or loud or disorientated, maybe the calling of his name. Several hours, he waits for it and when it happens, he’s still not ready.

“How do you feel?”, is Kapkan’s only question as he helps Glaz up, wraps him in a spare blanket and changes the soaked sheets.

He takes an eternity to answer. “Better”, he says through the headache and the shivering.

A stern glance. “You’ve always been a horrible liar.” And that’s that.

They spend the evening next to each other once more, Kapkan devouring his dinner while awkwardly perched on the mattress and reading something on his phone, and Glaz still waits. It’ll happen. It can happen any moment now, he knows this, knows the exercise took place as he got a text about it, and so he waits.

He recovers over the weekend and returns to work on Monday. They went for a few walks which left him weak but sharper-minded due to the fresh air, but as much as he scrutinises the mild-mannered man by his side, he finds no indicators of a lurking rage, simmering deep below. He knows it’s there. He knows it will surface in some way, maybe not directed at the environment but inwards.

Kapkan showers without a reminder. He brings Glaz meals and drops a comment about Glaz’ schedule being so messed up he doesn’t even know when to eat anymore. He tries to draw a squirrel for half an hour and only stops because Glaz is dizzy from laughing so much.

Gradually, he stops waiting. Healthy again, he knows he can deal with it whenever it comes, and so he focuses on the present.

And it never happens.

About four months later, Kapkan snaps at a grocery clerk for something insignificant. He leaves Glaz drooling, panting, shuddering and wholly satisfied that night after two hours of rigorous teasing. The next day, he jumps a foot in the air over someone dropping their phone.

A few people ask Glaz whether Kapkan is alright. He just smiles and assures them that yes, he’s doing fine. No, he doesn’t need any support. Yes, he’s got it all under control.

This time, he doesn’t need to justify himself to anyone made up.

That evening, he develops a fierce headache. It turns into a migraine so bad he can barely walk, so he whispers to Kapkan that he’s going to bed early and no, he doesn’t need to join him, he’ll be alright, he doesn’t need anything, and still he’s encased in strong arms not five minutes later and forced to swallow a pill which he instead hides under the mattress. He suggests some ice cream might help, and a shoulder massage, and miraculously, he feels much better the next morning.

When he enters the kitchen, Kapkan is whistling to himself, horribly out of tune and unconcerned who might hear him. He only whistles on good days.

“Better?”, he greets Glaz with a tone implying it’s Glaz’ own responsibility to remain healthy, but pulls him to his chest regardless, carding a hand through his hair gently. He’s soft. When Glaz nuzzles him with his nose, he lets out a low chuckle which reverberates in Glaz’ own torso. He’s never felt this safe.

“Yes”, he mumbles against warm skin. “Much better.”

#rainbow six siege #kapkan #glaz #kapkan/glaz #fanfic #oneshot #this flowed out of my fingertips so thank you so much for the request!#also sorry for taking forever #I hope this works with what you imagine in any case

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hellreads · 5 years

Note

Do you any super angsty fics like angsty angsty

hi there love, as I was checking my shelf for some angsty angsty fics to recommend I ended up pulling 50+ gvjhakgsdhjgsdjfk so I highly suggest you just check the angst fics I read here, but I will still be recommending the ones that I find really angsty, the ones that tear a hole in my heart, the ones that made me cry buckets of tears out of heartbreak and pain, the ones that haunt me and pull out all the sad feels from me whenever I’m reminded of these stories.

p.s. I will sort this by member and will try to just list at least three or maybe five, okay five it is per member ~ the ones that made me feel very very angsty and very very emotional T_T | 🍒

Kim Namjoon

❥ Cut by @chimchimsauce➴ Anti-Soulmate!AU | Namjoon x Reader | One-Shot➴ Namjoon always hated soulmates.

❥ Covenant by fringesofsanity➴ Arranged Marriage!AU | Namjoon x Reader | Series➴ You are betrothed to Kim Namjoon, the heir of a real estate mogul. To say that it was a fairytale romance would be erroneous. You’re instead loped in the sad tale of the rich and melancholy.

❥ Ride or Die by @jungcock➴ Bestfriends/Road Trip!AU | Namjoon x Reader | One-Shot➴ Jungkook was a terrible boyfriend, always abandoning you on the side of the road midst your many road trips. Thankfully, you had Namjoon to come pick you up every time he did and it was about time you reward him for it.

❥ Nothing Like Us by @chiminiemoans➴ Exes/Lovers!AU | Namjoon x Reader | Two-Shot➴ Your ex hears about your new toxic relationship and that is the jump start to get him going out to look for you. With the worry and jealousy he feels consuming him whole, he questions if he made the right decision in letting you go in the first place

❥ Not The One by @personawife➴ Soulmate!AU | Namjoon x Reader | One-Shot➴ There’s a fault in the cosmic system.

Kim Seokjin

❥ Epiphany by @floralseokjin➴ Exes!AU | Seokjin x Reader | One-Shot➴ Sometimes it’s best to remember the past is just a memory…

❥ 2,561 Days by @gossamie➴ Marriage/Divorce!AU | Seokjin x Reader | One-Shot➴ Two years of marriage could not stop the relationship from falling apart. As an attempt to seek closure before the divorce, Seokjin and you retrace your seven years together.

❥ Seven Seconds in Heaven by @jimlingss➴ Married!AU | Seokjin x Reader | One-Shot➴ In the moment of your death, Heaven drops the hammer of punishment; making him travel back in time to relive memories that can never be changed. Seven memories. Seven minutes in each. Seven seconds before they are ripped away.

❥ Currents by @yeoldontknow➴ Arranged Marriage!AU | Seokjin x Reader | One-Shot➴ Jin thinks he’s loved you since the moment he saw you, back when you were teenagers; Jin knows he’s been in love with you, the soul burning kind of love, since he saw you on your wedding day. He doesn’t mind that you don’t reciprocate on his level, he’s just happy to show you he cares. Until one day, he simply can’t anymore. Until one day, you realize you need to show him you care, too.

❥ Bad Guy by @sweetbunnykook➴ Married/Mob!AU | Seokjin x Reader x Hoseok x Yoongi | Series➴ After a brutal attack in Hong Kong, your marriage with Kim Seokjin cracks as secrets begin to surface and a series of betrayals find their way into the veins of the Hidden Tigers. Although Jin’s devotion endures, in his own definition, the reality of being a mob wife may be too much for you to bear.

Min Yoongi

❥ Please Be Naked by @floralseokjin➴ Rebound!AU | Yoongi x Reader x Namjoon | Series➴ You find it’s easy to become addicted to a distraction…

❥ Wildest Moments by @joonbird➴ Infidelity/F2L!AU | Yoongi x Reader | Series➴ “Min Yoongi is forbidden territory. And although you both know better, the two of you just can’t seem to stay apart.”

❥ Dead Leaves by wrienne➴ Married/Detective!AU | Yoongi x Reader x Jimin | Series➴ In which you (reader) are a homicide detective about to face the biggest hurdle both of your career and life.Married to probably the kindest but most boring man you’ve ever met and living in a town where nothing ever seems to happen means life for you is dull. Dull enough to drive you crazy with boredom and dissatisfaction. However, life changes abruptly when your old boss retires and a new man takes his place - a man you used to love (and sleep very regularly with) more than a decade ago. Especially when your husband comes home smelling of perfume, you’re unable to resist your more carnal urges and dead women start showing up across the city with unnerving frequency.

❥ Cheating by @jhspetitegf➴ Married/Infidelity!AU | Yoongi x Reader x Jimin | One-Shot➴ Married too young, too fast, the temptation is too great when an alluring stranger shows you the attention you crave.

❥ To Be Without by @serenililly➴ Producer!AU | Yoongi x Reader | Series➴ Funny how the world can shift in an instant. How you approached your bedroom with excitement only to walk away with a life forever changed.

Jung Hoseok

❥ Piece by Piece by @underthejoon➴ FWB/F2L!AU | Seokjin x Reader x Hoseok | Drabbles | Series➴ You’re in love with your best friend but you’re using someone else to forget. love triangle.

❥ The Gentlemen’s Club by @brookelegend➴ Gentleman/Club!AU | Hoseok x Reader | Series➴ You’ve been in a dating drought, more specifically, a sex drought. Your best friend has the perfect remedy for your problem: The Gentlemen’s Club.

❥ Ask and You Shall Receive by @floralseokjin➴ Sugar Daddy!AU | Hoseok x Reader | Series➴ Your sugar daddy says you don’t have to sleep with him if you don’t want to…trouble is, you do want to. You’re just nervous and a little inexperienced, but he catches on quick and begins to teach you the true pleasures of sex, and boy, are they good…

❥ Fake Love by @aquaminwrites➴ E2L/Fake Dating!AU | Hoseok x Reader | One-Shot➴ Every year, your family spends the holidays at your parents’ cottage in the country. Freshly single and not wanting to be picked apart by your family for being alone, you decide to recruit one of your friends to pretend to be your boyfriend.The only available volunteer? Your brother Namjoon’s roommate, Hoseok. Only problem? He absolutely hates your guts.

❥ Call Out My Name by @hobiwonder➴ Exes!AU | Hoseok x Reader | One-Shot➴ Hoseok needed closure.

Park Jimin

❥ Ineffable by fringesofsanity➴ FUBU!AU | Jimin x Reader | One-Shot➴ You’ve only bared your body to Jimin, mostly silent after the act. The one time you do, you find yourself baring your soul to him, far more than you bargained for.

❥ Right Person, Wrong Time by @mortaljin➴ Fuckboy!AU | Jimin x Reader | One-Shot➴ Park Jimin is a name that holds no significance in your heart right now. But it is a name that will haunt you for years.

❥ Slight Changes by @chiminiemoans➴ Idol/Infidelity!AU | Jimin x Reader x Taehyung | Series➴ Taehyung gets caught.

❥ Everything by @kpopfanfictrash➴ Arranged Marriage!AU | Jimin x Reader | One-Shot➴ It’s funny how there are certain moments in your life which define you.

It’s funny how when you’re asked what was memorable to you in a year – the first things you think about are an odd, assorted jumble which make absolutely no sense out of context. People, faces, random speeches and words that moved you. I, for some reason, always think of a book. Last year, it was 1Q84. The year before that, it was The Name of the Wind.

I always think of a book – and then of Jimin.

❥ We Have One Hour Left to Live by @gossamie➴ Lovers/Apocalypse!AU | Jimin x Reader | One-Shot➴ The world is ending soon. How will you and Jimin spend your last hour on this earth?

Kim Taehyung

❥ Dichotomy by @kpopfanfictrash➴ Arranged Marriage!AU | Taehyung x Reader | Series➴ You hate him. He hates you. It’s a fine line though, isn’t it – between love and hate?

❥ When You Least Expect It by @johobi➴ F2L/Lovers!AU | Taehyung x Reader x Jungkook | Series➴ You’re in love with your childhood friend, Taehyung. The problem is, you treasure your friendship with him far too much to ever risk losing it. Oh, and he’s quite the Casanova. At your wits’ end with feelings you can no longer hide as diligently as you once did, you ask him to set you up with someone, anyone, in a last ditch attempt to avoid a heartbreaking conversation.

❥ Who Cares by @floralseokjin➴ Lovers/Infidelity!AU | Seokjin x Named OC x Taehyung | Series➴ What happens when Taehyung falls for someone who’s already taken? Can he control his feelings or will they take over and render him powerless? In the end is it all her fault or his…?

❥ Clandestine by @ditzymax➴ Assassin!AU | Taehyung x Named OC x Jungkook | Series➴ As a professional assassin, Kim Kinsoo has many shrouded secrets in her life. Some of them she shares openly with her loving boyfriend, but there are other things he must never know.

❥ I Must Still Want You by @filmflowersbangtan ➴ F2L!AU | Taehyung x Reader | Series➴ //

Jeon Jungkook

❥ Right of Way by fringesofsanity➴ Infidelity!AU | Jimin x Reader x Jungkook | Series➴ In theory, things were simple: your best friend was Jungkook’s girlfriend while your boyfriend, Jimin, was Jungkook’s best friend. In reality, things weren’t always that simple. And mutually exclusive.

❥ Only You by @sweetbunnykook➴ Stalker/Lovers!AU | Jungkook x Reader x Seokjin x Namjoon | Series➴ Jeon Jungkook, your wedding photographer, helps you escape on your big day upon learning about a secret your groom-to-be kept hidden. You soon fall for this young, passionate photographer. However, you underestimated just how much he was willing to reciprocate that love. Maybe, you think, he’s loving you just a little too much.

❥ Euphoria by @btssavedmylifeblr➴ Time Travel/Married!AU | Jungkook x Reader | One-Shot➴ At the end of your life, you are given one day to live again with the man you loved. A lifetime’s love story told in a single day.

❥ 2U by @sokiijk➴ Surrogate!AU | Jungkook x Reader | Series➴ You were simply trying to make a living and give the opportunity of having children for the women who couldn’t. You meet a couple who plans to have a steady life — you being the last puzzle piece for it all. But you acknowledge the boyfriend, Jungkook, who questions if he actually wants it.

❥ Animal by @cutaepatootie➴ Boxer!AU | Jungkook x Reader | Series➴ //

~ so that’s it! I hope you enjoy these recommendations, I do have a lot on my shelf so check them out if you want more, some of these stories are angsty through and through while others have this calm before the storm vibe and the angst will hit you hard it’ll hurt, prep a box of tissues (especially for those Jin fics, I cried the most reading them T_T)

#answered #tete-a-tete #anon #recs from hell #rfh:knj #rfh:ksj #rfh:myg #rfh:jhs #rfh:pjm #rfh:kth #rfh:jjk #this is a 35 fic list dgahsfghsjadfgjashd I had to stick to five but was supposed to do three per member only #this was hard to make especially for jungkook because there's like A LOT OF ANGSTY JJK FICS ~#I hope you find an angsty fave in this list love ~

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