#so when people yell at me that my feelings are invalid and my points don’t apply and i should just advocate for myself instead of

[ageofevermore]

i struggled finding the words to explain the crippling anxiety and worthlessness i felt surrounding personal attachments/relationships and this is everything i’ve never been able to put into words, but it makes me feel a whole lot less crazier

[gatheringbones]

[“Ideally, empathy is the current that flows between two people in a close relationship, helping us to feel less alone, reassuring us that we are loved and understood. But sometimes, sad to say, empathy can be a trap, and never more so than in a gaslighting relationship. Your very ability to offer empathy—and your own need to receive it—can make you prone to the Gaslight Effect.

Katie, for example, was one of the most empathic people I had ever met. She seemed remarkably tuned in to what all her loved ones were feeling, able to imagine with remarkable accuracy how any given event might affect them. When she asked me to reschedule an appointment, she apologized for inconveniencing me in a way that showed me how aware she was of my needs as well as her own. I could see how this quality would make her an excellent friend and partner. But I also saw how Katie’s empathy made it hard for her to choose her own worldview over that of her boyfriend. “I can see how upset Brian gets when I chat with the guy at our deli,” she’d say. “It’s as though he’s afraid I’ll leave him and never come back. I feel so bad for him when I see how scared he is. I can’t stand it.”

Katie often got so caught up in her boyfriend’s fear that she forgot her own perceptions about what happened during that chat and what it meant. She was so compelled to see things from Brian’s point of view that she lost sight of her own perspective. Unfortunately, Brian didn’t extend the same empathy. He appreciated Katie’s response; her depth of understanding was part of the reason he was so attached to her. But he didn’t respond in kind. Rarely, if ever, did Brian think, “I see how pleased Katie is when someone smiles at her—it makes her feel happy and secure” or “I see how upset Katie gets when I yell at her—how unsafe she feels, how uncomfortable.” Most of the time, Brian was aware only of his own needs and feelings. Indeed, from his point of view, to focus on Katie’s feelings would be to give up his own. Acknowledging that she might feel differently than he did was like admitting that his feelings were invalid. He couldn’t empathize with her without feeling defeated, as though he had given up all hope of having his own point of view understood and respected.

Brian may have genuinely lacked the ability to imagine another person’s feelings. Or he may have feared his own capacity for empathy, seeing it as a quality that might defeat him. Indeed, when I saw them briefly in couples counseling, he said, “I don’t see why I have to see it her way all the time—it’s never my way! And every time I see it her way, I end up giving in.”

In this gaslighting dynamic, then, Katie’s empathy created a kind of trap. She wanted to see her boyfriend’s point of view, but he didn’t want to see hers. When they argued, she gave a lot of room to his side of the argument, while he never gave any ground to her. When they argued, she gave a lot of room to his side of the argument, while he never gave any ground to her.

Empathizing with Brian made Katie feel sensitive and loving. But when Brian was asked to empathize with Katie, he felt weak and defeated. Meanwhile, Katie’s compulsive empathy led her to disregard her own feelings and perceptions in her effort to see things as Brian saw them. Katie didn’t only give empathy, though; she desperately wanted to receive it—along with the approval she wanted so badly, after all, that approval was the only way she could prove to herself that she was a good, loyal girlfriend instead of the flirtatious, disloyal woman Brian had insisted she was. Her need for Brian’s empathy and approval was so great that it threatened to overwhelm her ability to think clearly.

Longing for Brian to see her point of view and to approve of her, she found it very difficult to tolerate their disagreement. For her, love meant total understanding and unconditional acceptance—nothing less—and without that love, Katie felt that she would be completely worthless, abandoned, and alone. This desperate need for approval, understanding, and love kept Katie continually open to Brian’s gaslighting.

I once asked Katie if she could accept the fact that her boyfriend would never be able to grasp why being friendly and open meant so much to her. Maybe he could stop insulting her, I suggested. But he might continue to think differently.

Katie’s jaw dropped. “But Brian loves me,” she protested. “He’d do anything for me.”

“Maybe so,” I responded. “But feelings and acts of love are not the same things as understanding. Sometimes we love people without being able to feel what they’re feeling. Sometimes we don’t approve of someone’s actions, decisions, or opinions, even within a loving relationship.”

Katie stared at me as though I were speaking Greek. “That’s not love,” she said finally. “If you love someone, you understand them; you feel what they feel. And you think they’re wonderful! And Brian does see me that way—just not all the time.” She went on to recount the time she came home from work exhausted and he gave her a foot rub—a story she had told me several times. “He knew just what I needed—and he gave it to me!” she would repeat with every retelling. “That was when I knew how much I meant to him—and how he would always take care of me.” That memory was so precious to Katie that she was willing to endure Brian’s insults and yelling in the hope of someday recapturing those few special moments when she was able to imagine that he “understood” her and would always be there for her.”]

robin stern, the gaslight effect

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I am terrified if men.

I mean my father did everything to me but rape me. And he’d assert dominance over me /threaten me because he didn’t want other guys to sleep with me, date me, didn’t want me to get married, etc.

I’m no contact and he knows better than to contact me because if he does I’ll take legal action. My mom died and she was the one protecting him.

I seek therapy because I want to heal and am repeatedly invalidated about my trauma and about the reality that most men are abusive, sexual predators.

I’ve expressed that I’m sad I didn’t experience ge t romantic love..

Which is only to say that I’m all about separatism and even though I’m not dating men cause I’m traumatized by them, I have this regret over not having been able to explore a healthy sexuality, and a fear of missing out.

The last therapist I had was malicious/emotional abusive. Would read and be on the computer during sessions and deny doing it. Claimed I talked to much, (bad luck with this super narcissistic, very misogynistic old woman, grandmother /in her 60’s,) she ignored me /was very devaluing, then perked up “it can happen at any age!” She either thought I was lying or l exaggerating about being abused, or/and definitely not listening because I’ve never expressed wanting a bf or a husband, ever. Of course I did as a teenager/child. It’s honestly so demoralizing when even a therapist views you as inferior and like your being single is a problem and thinks you’re talking too much and attention seeking.

I’ve never not had a female therapist downplay or invalidate my trauma and male violence. I wish there were more feminist based pyschotherapists / bare minimum, therapists who do not project their family values Bullshit. I’ve never not have had a therapist view me as the problem to all my experiences. I’ve therapists judge me and treat me as subhuman for being childfree and single.

I def need therapy as I’m so traumatized that I’m scared to sleep and not sleeping anymore and it’s impacting my health. I also can’t regulate my emotions well and I’m a fearful avoidant with ptsd, some folks say therapist isn’t necessary because most are bad. I’d honestly argue most therapists have very misogynistic beliefs…

Is there any way to ver that out. I get so gaslight I lost my sense of self/ I’ve had to recover from bad therapy but once out of therapy I start feeling less crazy… I do we’ll months on my own without talking to someone but then need therapi.

I’m legitimently scared of them at this point. I did give my last therapist feed back about her behavior, when I told her “I’m a person, and I don’t deserve this treatment” and then responded with “I don’t believe you” she raged and yelled at me, blaming me for her being distracted, telling me I talked too much.

I’m started to lose hope however that there are therapists who recognize patriarchy and oppression as a root cause to mental illness, rather than a partner as a cure for mental illness 🙄without claiming I’m the problem when I’m the one showing up to therapy for what happened to me. Therapists all just think their patients are mentally I’ll crazy women who can’t get a man. I feel insane when I go to therapy. Because I’m terrified of men and the focus is never on me as an individual, but (I shit you not, and tbh I even told her she was giving me harmful advice,) but tk shift the focus on my “distortion” of why I think I “can’t have that now.”

(I actually believe there are good therapists in just scared to open up now /be devalued/have a therapist not even treat seperatism as viable or even suggest it to me as an option. I don’t need a therapist to suggest it to me but I’d trust one much better who did. It sucks leaving a therapy session feeling worse because you don’t feel good enough.)

I really think most therapists are sexists because they have male bias

i think ive mentioned it before but therapy is more of a business nowadays. all these therapists arent people that actually want to help, very few of them do, most of them saw a growing industry and decided they could bank on it. they dont care to help and heal, they view therapy as a way to make someone (women) "normal" and fit in to society rather than working through trauma and have a healthy life, even if that life isnt the typical one. ive also seen a lot of therapists feed into bad behavior, validating the emotions and victim complexes of abusers all while teaching them a new progressive language to wield against their victims. i still think about how my friend went to therapy and the entire time going culminated into the conclusion of "your life sucks and theres nothing you can do about it" like what???? it seems like traumatized people come out of these sessions worse and i have no doubt that abusers are going into this field to extend their reach. i feel like the more people glamorize therapy the more this is going to happen.

[baugojo]

♡XIAO!YAKSHA argument w love

arguing with xiao is like arguing with a brick wall. your boyfriend, sometimes forgets that you, have a ton of human emotion. so right now, your hands are being thrown in the air every so often for dramatic affect; and he��s standing there, taking it.

you weren’t mad at him for an invalid reason. you actually had a good point as to what upset you so much.

when traveling all together on accident and colliding down at the bottom of the chasm, you and yanfei found a way to connect with xiao and bring him to you. but after figuring out the time-loop, and the true loss of his friend’s life; you found an exit.

yelan and xiao used the said compass to help you all get out of this mess; whilst then xiao had full control of it, and you, yelan and yanfei fought the darkness that swormed.

for some odd reason, this entire small trip of yours, with friends, and boyfriend, he was awfully admiring the thought of sacrifice. and so when the compass was breaking, he teleported all of you to the surface; allowing him to fall alone. in the dark. zhongli had a feeling this would occur, and so luckily he was there to save your boyfriend. but what if..

“xiao, you could’ve died!” your voice on the cusp of a screech, you continued. “what then huh?”

“you were safe. that is all that mattered to me.” he defended, “I am an adeptus, it is my venture to protect liyue and its people.”

“what about being my protector? I don’t care if I’m stuck with you for eternity down there! sacrificing yourself is never the answer xiao!”

“it is when it was the only option for your safety!”

“no it isn’t!”

this argument was pointless. you were getting nowhere. you couldn’t really understand why xiao spoke so much about sacrificing himself earlier in the chasm, because you thought you’d made him a little less miserable. the moment you felt yourself touch the air above, when your feet hit the ground, you were quick to try running back into the chasm. but yelan held you back.

“I’m going to bed.” you mumbled; because after a long and complicated discussion full of yelling, how could you not be tired? in fact, xiao should be resting much more than you. but you weren’t going to push him right now.

you slush yourself into the shared bedroom in the teyvat building, knowing well that the wangshu inn walls were top quality, and still, verr could probably hear you both. you weren’t going to hear the end of it tomorrow.

fluffing your pillow now, you got yourself ready for bed. you couldn’t fight him anymore. like said in the beginning, it was like arguing with a brick wall. not because xiao could care less about you, or your feelings, no. xiao loves you, and for that, he’d do literally anything. but more so because xiao cannot comprehend the way he makes people feel sometimes; how he makes you feel, making poor decisions such as this.

he worries you. you felt your heart pound out of your chest, reliving the moments where you really thought you’d lost the love of your life forever.

as if on cue to the small twinkle of water that melted off the side of your face, your boyfriend wiped the tear from your stained cheek. he felt bad, slightly coming to an understanding on how you felt. I mean, you are his world; what if you were to do the same? what really got to him, was the spoken liquid that laced your beautiful complexion.

“please don’t cry my love.” xiao could feel your discomfort, hurt, fear, causing him to wrap himself around you, enclosing you in his body, as your head measles it’s way into his soft abed chest. still wanting to hit him and fight him, for now, you’d except the comfortable aura that now served the room. “I’m sorry.” xiao’s voice whispered; whilst his chin rests upon your head of hair, comfortably. “though as an adeptus I swore to protect the people of liyue, as your partner I also swore to protect you.”

“I love you.” his hands drabbled along your sides, now resting his head in the crook of your neck; allowing you to swirl your pointer-finger around in circles with strands of the green-blue locks combed through. “I love you.” you replied, still wrapping his hair around your digits, falling asleep in what felt like seconds after; satisfying xiao. and now he, can also rest.

as you predicted, you didn’t hear the end of it when trying to leave wangshu inn discreetly, verr was just waiting for you to try and leave without her catching sight of you.

an: I cried playing the perilous quest lmao.

[celestialsun123]

Okay, tumblr is my ‘safe space’ other than my room, so I’m going to talk and anyone who wants to can listen. Aka all the stuff I’m gonna say will take up a lot of room so take a look under the ‘keep reading’ if you care enough to lol

There are a couple of JIC trigger warnings: mentions of church/religious settings (not talked about in a negative way), doctors, uhh there’s a time where I talk about someone yelling at me?

without further ado, here's my vent for the day.

I stress out so much over liking anything posted by autistic people. I’m so sorry, I have literally nothing against you, I just freak out for no reason cause once I heard someone on YouTube say ‘if you aren’t autistic your opinion is completely invalid here’ and I’ve taken it to heart 🥲

I will go to like a post but then go ‘wait… that explicitly says it’s about autistic people/autism… I can’t! I don’t count!’ (And I am so salty about stuff like that cause I’ve thought to myself ‘well what if I’m agreeing about something that they approve of?’ But it still isn’t enough to justify it to myself.) (again, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST Y'ALL)

I was considering asking my doctor if I should get evaluated for stuff but I also really don’t want to because what if they just say ‘nope, you’re normal. Why’d you even bother?’ And I KNOW I’m not neurotypical because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and there is no WAY it’s normal to feel like your entire day has been completely and utterly ruined by someone not telling you clearly that if you didn’t go eat the leftovers of your family that you wanted, it’d be passed on to the others.

Oops, that’s not where that was meant to go, but I’m keeping it.

My original point BEING, I have a feeling I don’t JUST have GAD, I wanna get evaluated for Autism and ADHD, but the imposter syndrome (can I even use that here? I’m not autistic so does that mean it’s… rejection or something?) is too much and I’m gonna wimp out of bringing it up to the doctors. I’m fairly certain I have ADHD tho, cause everything I’ve watched I’ve basically agreed with. (And yeah, the internet isn’t good source material, but there are some good people on there.)

Also I'm so worried that I'm just copying people. Like, I didn't used to stim until AFTER I learned about autism and ADHD, so what's to say that I'm not just copy pasting? And that's not genuine and it's probably also rude.

Oh and on the topic of being too sensitive for my own good, let’s talk about how I deal with people scolding me. (Other than my parents.)

I genuine want to cry any time it happens. I had some pretty bad experiences of that kind of thing (maybe like 3-4 years ago?) and they happen to be some of the only clear memories I have of pandemic times cause everything kinda blurs together from that time. The clearest one and the one that affected (is that the right one?) me the most was when some of the neighborhood kids got in trouble for hurting each other from a tree in my sibling’s best friend’s yard. I was a witness, but I wasn’t paying a ton of attention to the situation. The sibling’s best friend’s mom asked me to tell my version of the story, so I did. I tried my best not to twist anything and to make it clear that I wasn’t sure about anything. Without me noticing (cause my back was turned) one of the kids mom’s (the one who had done the potential hurting) came up behind us and started yelling at me for ‘lying for no reason’ and ‘being rude’ and how ‘her kid would never do anything wrong, so if I wanted to go tell lies for fun she would go and tell my parents.’ Y’know, the kind of thing you tell semi-kids.

So from then on, I tend to have to choke back tears when not my parents scold me.

Another time (this week actually) was when I was scolded for acting my age at church. Now, I’m not a CHILD, so I see where the person was coming from. But I was also having fun with my friends. We were joking around, and one of the old people came up and scolded us. I thought I was fine till I got home and then realized that stimming in any way, even in my room, now felt childish and horrible and like I shouldn’t be doing it. (I’ve gotten over this, I’m back to normal. Ish.)

So yeah. I guess I take things too seriously? And it REALLY frustrates me. Like I can’t just let things go, can I? No, cause that’d be EASY.

Also, don’t you just hate it when you feel the urge to stim (hand flapping specifically in this case) but your muscles/wrist is in pain for no explicable reason?

[kitkatopinions]

No one cares that you don’t like bumblebee or have a hateboner over rt. There are a ton of queer people who love, feel represented and are happy with the way the writers have written their relationship. With any ship in a show you’ll have people who love, feel indifferent or not like the ship. That’s just how shipping in any fandom goes, so no bumblebee shipper expects everyone to like their ship, but at least be respectful especially in their spaces and not be a dick about it just because you don’t like it

How is saying that I feel frustrated by how some bumblebee fans are praising RT and the show creators to the skies, yelling at people for not being happy with the representation so far, and being super dismissive of RT's bigotry and controversies being a dick?

Also, really funny how you're literally saying that no bumblebee shipper expects everyone to like the ship when myself and tons of other people have gotten tons of hate and had our identities invalidated just because we don't ship it and will criticize RT. Like, way to just pretend that no bumblebee shippers have ever been mean or bad, you're basically just accusing me of lying because you don't want to admit that some people that ship what you ship are mean people sometimes who do bad things like attack people who dare to criticize the writers or don't like your ship. Also also, by the way, you yourself are proving that you actually do care about whether or not I like bumblebee or 'have a hateboner' over RT (funny way for you to say that I have a completely valid problem with a bigoted company with a massively bad history,) by sending me anons complaining about me 'being a dick in Bumblebee shipper spaces' when I not only ONLY criticized SOME shippers for BEING HORRIBLE and I didn't tag Bumblebee and in fact used anti bumblebee tags, moron. You apparently ignored how I said I had no problem with the fact that Bumblebee fans were happy and excited and getting hyped up for the likelihood that their ship will be confirmed. I only posted about having a problem with the fans who were dismissing the controversies and bigotry of RT, praising a company and show for being 'progressive' when they're behind the curve, and getting angry at and yelling at queer people for not liking or being okay with the minimal queer rep in RWBY. For an example of a bad bees fan being a jerk since you apparently don't believe me here's a post where I responded to a hate anon right before this that might've been you lol.

Also 'a lot of queer people love this and feel represented by this' is not an instant 'the writers did good, get out of jail free, nobody can say anything against the show, the writers, or the company' card. XD People like you can't just be like 'well some people like it :( So there' and expect others to just shrug and be like "WHOOPS, better make sure my own opinion as a queer person doesn't get seen by the more valid people who think that waiting ten years to possibly get one main character confirmed as queer is a-okay, I better somehow change the way tumblr is built so that those bees fans who don't filter out one of the several anti-ship tags I used don't get this in their space.' And if you don't expect me to do that, then what's the point of your ask?

Also, just to get it on record: Sending hate on anon is a coward move.

[vizthedatum]

I feel gross for being in love with my most recent ex-partner. I let a lot of things slide because I was smitten. I told them they were the best partner I had because I thought that the attention they gave me was the attention I wanted.

They didn’t seek to understand me, and when they were upset - they made accusatory “you” statements upon my character.

They also thought that my chronic illness’s effect of me getting tired or needing to change plans was an example of my actions not matching with my words (or “over promising but underdelivering”).

They did a lot for me but I thought they wanted to? I didn’t realize there was an emotional power play thing going on - and I don’t think they understood how I was trying to do stuff for them or show my love.

The first couple months of the relationship (before we became partners) were weird - it seemed like we had intense chemistry and feelings, but I also felt studied. And I also felt like I was just a fantasy to them - I didn’t meet their other partner until the day we became partners (we are poly). They told me they would have no hesitation being partners with me in late June (I remember because my ears started ringing, and there was a party in their backyard that day), they told me they loved me back in early July, and then in mid-July, they clarified saying they “weren’t in love with me.” I freaked out. It was so completely rude.

They played semantic games the whole time.

—

There were weird poly things that I didn’t really like or appreciate, and THE WHOLE POINT OF WHY I DO POLYAMORY IS SO WE CAN ALL BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I would only find out about big poly things after the fact (like the method and timing of which they were going to get their best friend pregnant via unprotected sex and not during her ovulation period (wtf?!), the very valid health reason why they and their other partner were fluid bonded (which they broke with me - and to be frank, I don’t think they understand the health toll of how they perform sex with other people on the concept of fluid-bonding - I think they like to stay ignorant about a lot of things, and more).

And well, the disrespect with regards to my potential pregnancy (still awaiting ultrasound to confirm either way) was just the stupidest thing. It completely wore me down, and it was the penultimate breaking point of the relationship.

I was in agony, and they just kept emotionally invalidating me while saying they did everything right.

To top it off, their other partner suddenly changed the poly dynamic, I broke up with them, and they started telling people that my breakup with them was a “loss of their autonomy.” What?!

Before I blocked them, they lashed out at me with hateful messages - fully knowing that I could be pregnant (well they never thought/felt I was anyway - and this was confirmed) and I was having massive physical symptoms and I was scared of miscarrying. It didn’t matter to them. It didn’t matter to them that I have been through trauma or that I’ve been through lots of abusive partners and parents yelling at me - they did it anyway because they felt like they had a right to. I blocked them soon after.

—

Was I faultless? No, but I took accountability as much as I could - I tried to understand their point of view, while they really couldn’t for me.

—

After I told them I was blocking them and blocked them, they sent me random creepy calendar invites, messaged my girlfriend, and tried to offer “caretaking” if I would teach them violin.

Why the fuck would I want their caretaking if we weren’t partners AND if I didn’t want to be friends?

Yeah I’m disabled but I’m not desperate to get help by someone like that. Believe it or not, I’ve made it this far in life - and I’ve been able to manage, with or without help. Yes, I’ve had help from friends but that’s part of life.

—

Wtf was I thinking?

Why did I get so swept up?

I gave them a lot of benefit of the doubt. I praised them constantly.

I really loved them.

It’s not like I couldn’t get laid by someone else or date someone else.

I guess I thought they could step up.

I really really really CRAVED spending time with them - I think it was unhealthy. I think it was because of my previous trauma-wiring: I find emotionally unavailable people attractive.

—

I deserved a lot more respect. I deserved empathy. I deserved to be prioritized.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW: death of a parent, emotional abuse

Hi, I’m just venting and sharing thoughts partly so they’re out of my head but also so if anyone can relate, they know they’re not alone. No response necessary if you don’t want to.

Growing up, I never learned to process my emotions because my dad was sick and my mom and I never got too sad when he was really sick or happy when he felt better because we didn’t want him to feel sad for us and we didn’t want to get too hopeful that he would keep feeling better. It was like an unspoken rule, but for a kid growing up like that, it meant I never learned to process my emotions. My dad died when I was eleven, and though I’ve never been officially diagnosed with depression, that seems accurate for that time of my life.

Anyways, when I was fourteen, my mom remarried. My stepdad was emotionally abusive. He never hurt me physically, but his voice, tone, words, “jokes”, and then the silence and avoidance of me almost always left me feeling broken. I always felt like I was intruding on this perfect little world of his, that usually included my mom unless he was upset with her. Whenever something would upset him, I was usually the one that he would take out his anger and frustration on: getting mad at me for nothing, freaking out if I left something out of place, teasing me in a hurtful way. Technically, nothing he ever did was wrong, in a black and white way of thinking, but the way he treated me and made me feel left me broken. I remember at one point, in the first year of their marriage I think, I started staying in my room all the time and he wondered at one point why I didn’t ever watch movies with them in the evenings… maybe because they usually involved me getting yelled at, teased cruelly, or completely ignored and me feeling like I was intruding and not welcome in the first place? I tried to be sociable and join them for movies in the evenings, but it didn’t last long. Eventually, it got to the point where whenever I would need to go to the kitchen from my room which required walking across the living room in between my parents and the TV, I would practically tip toe as fast as I could to avoid any reaction from him. I learned to associate his annoyance, frustration, anger, sulking fits, etc, with my actions, knowing that regardless of whatever upset him in the first place, I would be blamed for something and be the one he would take out his anger on if I crossed paths with him and did some trivial thing to upset him. When my depression (not officially diagnosed as far as I know but I’ve seen therapists on and off for years and am on meds for depression/anxiety so is that considered an official diagnosis?) got worse and I was made to talk to both my parents about it, he basically said that I had no right to feel depressed. Other conversations strongly implied it, even if not outright stated.

But really I’m not upset right not about what he did to me in the past, I’m upset about the results of what he did. Because he invalidated my emotions, it’s hard for me to reach out to people for help, especially my mom because then she gets caught in the middle and she’s the one he gets mad with instead of me. Because of how often he would take out his anger and frustrations on me, I’m terrified that other people will too. Currently I’m living with a couple, renting a bedroom downstairs, but whenever I hear them talk loudly or a door close loudly or something like that, my body tenses up because I immediately think I’ve made them upset and I’m going to be yelled at and berated and all those things. Because for the majority of the five years I lived with my parents I either hid in my room or stayed out late wherever I could, avoiding the people around me is a deeply ingrained habit. Not because I don’t want to be around them, but because it’s ingrained in me to think that they won’t want me around, that I’ll be invading their space, bothering them, annoying them, etc. Apparently as a little kid, I was pretty out going. I believe it, but don’t really remember it. Now I avoid people to avoid bothering them.

Last week, while I was with my parents and other family for Christmas, my stepdad said something about him believing that I could write really good novels, like Chronicles of Narnia is what he said since we watched the movies with my sister and her kids over the holidays. I believe him that he believes that, and I know that he never intended to hurt me. In his own way, he’s only wanted to help me. He just never realized he was breaking me instead. But his statement about believing I could be a really good author someday just makes me doubt that even more, because so many of words to me in the past have been hurtful.

I don’t live with him and my mom anymore, and I probably never will. But the effects of the way he treated me, though he never meant to hurt me, have drastically changed who I am. Okay, maybe not who I am, but they have drastically changed how I process the world. As a result of what I went through with him, I find myself isolating myself from the people around me. Emotional abuse is real, and the abusers might not even realize that they leave that person broken. My stepdad loves me, but he ended up breaking me unintentionally.

If anyone else has gone through something like this, just know you’re not alone in dealing with it. Everyone is broken in some way, but the sun will break through the storm clouds eventually and the moon will break through the darkest sky.

~🌙

Hi 🌙,

I'm so sorry you went through all of that.

I can see how these experiences shaped the way you process the world and your own emotions, but I'm proud of you for making the choice to talk about it. I think a lot of people who were taught not to express emotions don't attempt to process it, so I think speaking up about it is a great first step in trying to overcome it.

I hope that you can get the therapy and healing you need to recover well. Thank you for sharing those affirming messages, you're definitely not alone in this. Please let us know if you need anything going forward.

-Bun

[thatonesystemig]

Vent abt my exes under the read more

Love the fact that i was gaslit and invalidated so much i feel guilty and second guess myself on if im making a bigger deal out of my trauma than it deserves

But then the flashbacks and random memories and nightmares hit me lmaoooo

Would be so yolo swag if i went one night without a fucking nightmare regarding my trauma or those assholes. They’re going to continue telling everyone how im spreading rumors when i go to friends for advice on how to cope and wont go into detail about what happened publicly because I don’t want attention and to not let them have that power over me

Mother fucker if i was really evil and spiteful id tell your whole family about what you two did. About the gaslighting, about the invalidating, about the yelling at me during breakdowns, about the constant arguing, about how unhappy i was and telling me i was gaining a shit ton of weight because i was “happy”, about the worse things you did that ill take to the grave other than the few people I’ve told so you don't hold power over me anymore and because you’ll tell all our friends im “lying” and “spreading rumors” out of spite when i have constant fucking nightmares about what you fucking did.

If i wanted to i could post it for the world to see. I could write a callout post. But I don’t because i still have some resemblance of love for you and i believe you can change. I believe you can do better. That’s all i fucking want. I don’t want you to do what you did to me to your current partner and hopefully im just a learning experience. I don’t tell people shit “out of spite” i went to my close friends about the shit YOU DID because i needed advice on how to cope. I needed a friend to listen because I had no one else. I couldn’t go to a fucking therapist besides in the psych ward. and then those friends went around and told you anyways.

And they believed you. Just like I did when you told me all the other girls that you did it to were just lying and jealous. Just like i did when my own fucking best friend told me you did it to her and i believed you over her and will FOREVER hate myself for not fucking listening and leaving your ass

Yeah, it’s no big deal. I was just diagnosed with CPTSD and went to the psych ward twice over the span of a year because what happened to me didn’t effect me and i told some close friends what the fuck you did just to “lie” and “be petty”

I only agreed with the shit y’all told me about me over reacting and it not being what it was because I didn’t want to fucking believe what you did to me because I LOVED YOU. I wanted to MARRY AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU. And then the memories kept hitting. Then the nightmares about that one fucking night kept happening over and over and over again to where I stay up for days at a time just to fucking avoid them.

And im just spreading rumors right???

I kept talking to you because every time i fucking blocked you they would message me about it. i was afraid of your ass. Why else would i put off hanging out with you. Why else hadn’t i seen you in months?????

I went into psychosis because of you from Jan-April. I felt so much guilt for feeling the way i did about everything, for the trauma i kept repressing and trying to tell myself it was no big deal like y’all fucking led me to believe. Then the voices got worse. I kept having hallucinations of suffering, burning, living in hell. I was told i was going to suffer until the day i die and beyond that because of everything that happened. Thank god they put me on meds to help with that shit in the psych ward or i would’ve killed myself. I know I said I would’ve killed myself a lot but what’s the point of living if all life is is just suffering.

I am still suffering but I’m too fucking strong and stubborn to die. I want to, but i wont because i have something to live for now. I have a family. I have a fiance, 4 step sons, a god daughter, roomies i consider sisters, and i can lean on all of them and they all fucking support me.

Funny thing? They don’t resent me for my mental health issues then take it out on me like y’all did. They actually fucking help and have compassion.

My fiance tells me every day how lucky he is to have me. He smothers me in kisses and helps me with my flashbacks. He holds me when i get triggered and doesn’t refuse to and make me suffer alone because “it’ll enable bad behavior” like you did as if i was some kind of dog that needed to be punished.

I’m loved for once. And with how much i loved you both, it’s hard for me to open up and be vulnerable with my current fiance because of what you two did. But now im actually happy other than the trauma y’all gave me. He gives me all the love y’all never did. Even when we were dating our third, he loved me equally and didn’t tell me shit like “oh, i love her more than you. but its okay, im working up to that point with you”. He wants me around and didn’t ignore me a majority of the time to spend it on the computer like one of y’all did.

We actually talk. We have conversations every day just about. And he doesn’t act annoyed with me wanted to talk to him like one of y’all did.

He doesn’t treat me like a burden, or stay with me out of obligation like y’all did.

And guess what!!!!!!! He doesn’t put me through “trust” tests because thats obviously a very fucking normal thing to do in a relationship because its 100% totally healthy to be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. And yeah i totally don’t have did and im just faking it despite being diagnosed while you completely believe the other one who hasn’t been diagnosed because “he acts a certain way” and since I didn’t act exactly like him, i must not have it, right????? I must be making it all up for attention right????????????? I must be this horrible evil liar as if I didn’t HAVE to lie to you constantly because you would get constantly angry at me and trigger me RIGHT???????? If you didn’t believe me, why did you stay with me???? Oh yeah, you broke it off because I vented in my own discord server and you didn’t even read it and assume it was all about your ass and “if you cant come to us about everything, how do you think that will make us look?” Not to mention when I DID come to you about shit, you’d run me through ‘trust tests’, get mad at me for it, and all this shit. And you wondered why id rather vent to my server full of my friends who understood and loved me more than you ever fucking did.

Also remember that time i deleted my discord server because you started telling my friends “i hope you die” for not agreeing with you?? Yeah totally normal fucking behavior.

“Love is a promise” is just a fancy way of y’all telling me “love is an obligation and because I’ve been with you for so long im going to stay with you and put up with you despite the fact you can very obviously see how much we resent you because you can hear us talking shit about you”

Yeah

Anyways fuck y’all for what y’all did to me. I know y’all wont read, and hopefully y’all don’t because i really never want to talk to or interact with or have y’all in my life again because i avoid going out in public with the slightest chance of seeing y’all because ill have a breakdown and y’all would find joy in it and think its hilarious because im sure at this point y’all just want me to suffer. I’m pretty sure y’all wanted that while we were together too, otherwise y’all wouldn’t have yelled at me while having breakdowns and talked shit about me within earshot

But yeah, don’t worry about it, im just over reacting because im so mentally unwell :]

[mothaltaccount]

Look at the tags before reading for warnings n shit

No images or nothin, and nothings described, it’s just a rant/vent

On second thought some is described, not in graphic detail, it’s just something Ik i wouldn’t want to read so like.. yeah keep that in mind (I’m ass at describing shit)

Are anyone else’s parents just fucking weird? Like mine have ti be properly stupid to not notice some shit

Like “oh, any time i bring up animal death my child gets visibly upset/uncomfortable, i should keep doing that!” Actually fuck off gods

An Like, i fully cannot bring that up with my dad because Ik he’ll borderline make fun of me for it because it’s somehow “childish” to be upset that somethings fucking dead??

Like me and our mother were downstairs looking at the birds at our bird feeder, cause there were juvenile blue tits and they’re really fucking cute, and i said about how tiny blue tits are, and she decides to recount one time where one flew into the window and fucking died, so she had to go pick it’s dead fucking body up out of a plant pot and throw it out

Why the fuck did you think that a) i wanted to know that? And b) that now is the time to recount that?

Like i was having fun, watching the cute lil birds figure out a bird bath, and you decide that nows the time to talk about one fucking dying? What the actual fuck is wrong with you??

Like well done? Now I’m just fucking sad, and pissed because you ruined my mood completely? Why are you so fucking inconsiderate? And i can’t talk to her about that now, because the last time i was upset about something she did, she dragged me out of my room to yell at me, and then guilt trip me, and then rat on me to the father who was then loudly invalidating how i felt

Shocker! Your autistic kid doesn’t wanna come home after a stressful day to find shit in there room has been moved about

It’s almost as though it’s a well known sign of autism, not handling change well

Wow! Your autistic kid is autistic! Who could’ve possibly seen that coming!

And our dad, why the fuck does he feel the need to tell me about roadkill? You’re driving me to the bus station so i can go to school and sit my English gcse, i dont need to know that something mangled in the middle of the road, and you know what’ll really help your kid now that you’ve realised that’s upset them? Tell them about the death of a stranger who had a horrific accident while skydiving! That’ll really fix it! And now that your kid is trying not to cry the morning of their fucking English gcse, now’s the time to ignore the situation entirely!

Great fucking parenting

I’m trying so hard not to name them bc i don’t want people knowing this is me unless they are our parents (which they won’t be bc neither of them use this site)

Like he’s done this when we were a kid too

When we’re on holiday, i dont need to know how many poor fucking creatures have died at the side of the road?

When your driving me to my friends house (while we were still in primary school btw. We were at most 10), you should absolutely describe the exact position their favourite bird is lying dead in on the road (I’m not exaggerating in the slightest btw/srs), and then when you pick them up and you decide to go out for dinner, you should point out that their favourite bird is on the menu, and joke about getting it, and not fucking shut up about it because you think you’re so fucking funny borderline bullying your child

I cant fucking wait to be out of this house some days

[vangenius]

Wordless Mind

Why do you feel the need, to invalid everything I’ve been through.

You assume our brains are the same, there’s so little that you knew.

I’ve lived life through a mask, in an inpolite polite society,

Just because this world was made for you, doesn’t mean it was made for everybody.

Everytime I open my mind and let my thoughts unwind,

You close the box, and tell me that my words need to rewind.

You throw labels and fables about how I need to be.

You don’t understand in this world I’m struggling to breathe.

Everytime I find something new, someone new, to endure,

Who seems patient and kind and ready to let me soar.

When that box opens it brings chaos and catastrophe.

Little understanding, little openness, little of the way the world should be.

People flee from what they fear, no understanding from the masses.

No hope, no love, their words flow like poison gases.

We reach out, we yell out, to be seen and felt and heard.

But touch misses, the yell softens, as we realise your truth is blurred.

I wish I could be myself, in a world of understanding.

No judgement, no foul humour, no “crazy”, or “weird” branding.

When sharing points of view, bringing strange worlds to your attention,

You pull the people closest near and force my intervention.

There’s no growth, no learning, no second mind open state.

Instead there’s pain and suffering, left alone on a solemn stake.

I wish I could be free, have a mind with no need to hide.

But after every people interaction, I die a little more inside.

[casspurrjoybell-19]

TORN - Chapter 14

*Warning: Adult Content*  

"Goddess, he’s so hot." Brook's head fell back against the couch from her spot on the floor, groaning like she was in the middle of some kind of weird orgasm. 

"Do you see the abs on that man? I swear, give me one second alone with that guy and I would lick the skin right off of him," she says, staring at the screen in front of them, shaking her head as if she couldn't believe her eyes. 

She stuck out her tongue, eyes never leaving the screen as she rooted around with it to find the cheese stick she held tightly in her hand before chomping off a large bite. 

Her tight curls were out of the way in high bun on top of her head, although a few strands escaped and gently rested against her dark brown cheek. 

They were currently in the bonus room of the vacation house which held a comfortable media room. 

It was the last day of the retreat and they had decided to spend it with a movie night, seeing as how all of their mates happened to be on overlapping patrol duties. 

Tomorrow, they would be going back to the pack house and Berlin Cahill would be lying if he didn't say he wasn't feeling a bit bummed about it. 

So much had changed in his life over the course of this retreat and he was afraid that when returned back home, it would all vanish in thin air like Cinderella's carriage at midnight. 

"Are you serious?" Hannah blanched, her green eyes wide with betrayal as she looked over at Brook. 

The incredulous look on her face was comical, like she'd just been told someone'd killed her cat. 

"Have you seen Edward? He could get it any day." 

Brook choked on her cheese stick, pulling it away from her mouth and finally tearing her eyes away from the screen as she turned towards Hannah. 

"Hell no. Team Jacob forever." 

She pumped her fist in the air, her brown eyes fiery as if she was protesting a worthy cause. 

"She only likes Edward because he's rich anyway. Who wants a man who is cold, wants to kill you and stares at you all night? I don't know about you but that's not my kink." 

She crossed her arms, shrugging before mumbling ’My kink is being spanked’ at the end. 

Berlin giggled from his place under the blanket at that, thinking the joke she mumbled to herself was funny but a bit confusing. 

‘Like, who wants to get spanked? I feel like that would just hurt and not be really pleasureful.’ 

"Well... Well..." Hannah sputtered, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to think of some way to invalidate Brook's statement. 

"Callie," she yelled excitedly, as if she'd suddenly remembered she was still in the room. 

She quickly turned around to look expectantly at their our third friend who lounged quietly against the arm of the couch, raising a brow as she stared at the other two girls on the floor who were notorious for dramatic, pointless arguments like this. 

"What team are you on?"

Callie was quiet for a moment, pondering the question. 

She was the more chill one of our little group, going with the flow for the most part and blending into the background. 

Regardless, they still loved her dearly, as she gave a sense of balance when the four of them were all together. 

"Neither," Callie responded simply, shrugging her shoulders in indifference. 

"They both don't really do much for me." 

The look of disbelief on Hannah and Brook's face would lead people to believe they'd just been told the world was ending, not that they were simply discussing a terribly produced young adult movie. 

Berlin, on the other hand, wasn't surprised by Callie's response, as nobody was really sure if she felt attraction to anyone in a romantic way. 

She was older than all of them by a few years and still hadn't found her mate.

 At this point, they were pretty sure that she was a lone wolf or someone whose mate passed away before they'd met but they try to hold out hope. 

Regardless, she'd made something of herself throughout the time she'd been waiting and was currently training part-time with Benji to become a medic. 

"There can't be a tie," Hannah cried, reaching her hand into the popcorn to angrily shove a handful in her mouth. 

Horrifyingly, she then turned to stare at Berlin expectantly, her eyes silently begging him to take her side as she knew he was her last hope. 

"Berlin, you think Edward is hotter too, right? I mean... just look at the material..." 

She gestured towards the TV screen, on which the sparkling Vampire's face appeared. 

Berlin shuffled further underneath the warm blanket that covered most of his body, his face blazing as the girls stared at him inquisitively, eagerly awaiting his answer.

"Umm... Sorry, Hannah but I think that Jacob is cuter," Berlin muttered, although he felt bad comparing the two. 

He believed that everyone is beautiful in their own way, he just preferred the tan skin and rippling muscles of Jacob. 

They reminded him of his own mate. 

"SUCK IT UP..." Brook yelled, making a teasing face as she looked at at Hannah triumphantly, taking another bite of the cheese stick that she'd practically squished to pieces in her hand throughout her argument.

"Whatever, Edward is still hotter," Hannah whined playfully, crossing her arms stubbornly against her chest before turning back towards the TV screen.

"Sorry that I am loyal to my species. Vampires don't even exist... probably," Brook adds on the last word as an afterthought, as new species were showing up in the supernatural world every day it seemed like.

For example, their medic Benji was a half-blood Fae-Werewolf mix. 

They watch the rest of the movie in a similar manner, with Brook and Hannah also arguing over the best couple in the movie or whether Alice was the best character in the franchise. 

Their bickering was really entertaining but by the end of the movie Berlin was yawning profusely, his eyelids growing heavy as the end credits began to roll across the screen.

"When we get back home we have to watch the second one," Brook exclaimed, still wide awake in her spot on the floor as she lifted the rim of the bowl of popcorn to her lips, funneling the rest of the crumbs into her mouth. 

She chewed, a stray few pieces falling from her lips and back into the empty bowl as she spoke past her full cheeks. 

"I have to see Jacob shirtless again ASAP or else I literally might just die," she stated matter-of-factly, still chowing down on the remainders of the buttery snack in her mouth.

"Just gonna cheat on me like that... OH, EW, BROOK." 

Brook was obviously caught very off guard at the sudden sound of her Mate's voice behind her, as when she turned around, she accidentally sprayed the remainder of the soggy popcorn crumbs in her mouth all over his pant legs. 

The man behind her was handsome, with short cropped hair and beautiful, dark skin that was a little bit lighter than that of his mate. 

He was a bit sweaty from his night patrol but his face was incredulous as he looked down at Brook with an expression that read 'really?' without him having to say a word.

"YOU CAN'T JUST SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT, JAY," Brook exclaimed, standing up to face her mate, looking up at him with a challenging expression. 

"And don't act like it's that nasty when you literally eat my..." 

Jay's hand slapped over her mouth before she got out the last word, giving them an apologetic look.

"Sorry, she's just a little insane when she's tired. We have to go pack, so we will see you all tomorrow." 

He nods to them respectfully, smiling brightly at them as he reaches down, hauling Brook under his arm like she was a football and dragging her away from the rest of them. 

Berlin giggles at their playful antics as Brook protested to the treatment, going limp in her Mate's arms to make him have to work harder to carry her away.

A moment later, a very tall woman with lean muscles and a backwards baseball cap on over her short-cropped hair rounded the corner. 

The woman was sweaty, just like Jay, from patrolling but Hannah couldn't have cared less as she squealed with happiness, launching herself up from her spot on the couch, almost tripping over her own feet as she ran to her mate. 

"Greyyyy," Hannah giggled, the taller woman throwing an arm around her shoulder and pulling her softly against her side before placing a kiss on her forehead. 

"Hey, Peaches. I'm super tired from patrol. Can we go crash?" Grey asked her mate, her natural voice having a slightly husky tone, like someone ran sandpaper over her words before she'd said them. 

Hannah nodded enthusiastically, grabbing Grey's hand and waving at Callie and Berlin who remained on the couch. 

"Text the group chat in the morning when you're up, bitches. Love you," Hannah said to them before she pulled her tall mate down the hallway towards their room with a bright smile.

 Hannah was so in love with Grey and vice versa. 

They were a super cute couple and had actually been good friends before realizing that they were mates.

Once again, it was like they were tagging each other into the room, as Alpha Oasis Amador, in all of his brooding glory, walked into the room as soon as Hannah and Grey disappeared around the corner, his long legs walking over to Belin in just a few strides before leaning down on one knee next to the couch. 

"How are you, baby? Are you feeling okay?" Oasis fretted, as he always did, over his Mate, scanning his worried, light blue eyes over his body for anything that was out of place from the last time he'd seen him. 

Berlin giggles softly, the blanket falling off of his upper body as he sits up, reaching out to cup Oasis’ face in his small palm. 

The Alpha hoped that the skin-to-skin touch would help assure him that his Mate was, in fact, in one piece, just as he'd left him when he left for patrol five hours prior. 

"Sheesh, overprotective much?" Callie muttered under her breath as she stood up, brushing the dust of the snacks we'd eaten off of her clothes. 

Oasis growled at her statement, a glint of gold filtering into his irises as he snapped his head around. 

Berlin could tell he was seething with the need to say something smart back at her, so the young man quickly presses his hand against Oasis’ cheek, forcing his head to swivel back towards him. 

His gaze softened as Berlin leant up, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to his lips. 

"I'm just fine, Osi," he whispers, his stray hand gesturing to Callie to leave the room before his mate did something rash. 

She scurried away quickly, not wanting to provoke Alpha Oasis. 

"I'm all in one piece, see?" 

Berlin grabs his hand, pressing it to his face so that he could feel his truth through their mating bond. 

Oasis lets out a deep breath, pulling back to press soft kisses to each of Berlin’s fingertips before speaking against them, his warm breath warming them up. 

"We scented something strange tonight. I don't think it's a cause for much concern but you have to understand I..." 

He breathed out, closing his eyes and standing up, pulling Berlin with him. 

"My instincts are hard to control as an Alpha alone. But you... you give me this almost feral protective streak. I can't quite explain it."

Berlin nodded understandingly. 

He'd never truly understand the instinctual need to protect that Dominant Wolves had engrained into their DNA but he was empathetic. 

He knew how hard it was for his own Wolf to resist his own instincts, so he could only imagine if they were multiplied tenfold, as they usually were for Dominant Wolves.

"It's okay. I like how protective you are. It makes me feel safe," Berlin starts, reassuring him. 

"As long you remember that I am my own person and don't try to smother me."

Oasis nods, opening his eyes to look down at Berlin with adoration in his eyes. 

"I will try my best, angel. Tell me if I get too ahead of myself, yeah?" 

Berlin grinned happily up at him, nodding happily as he remembered something that was still tugging at the curiosity bone in him. 

"Oasis, do people really... spank during sex?" 

Berlin breathed out, trying to get the most crass part of the sentence out all at once before he looked down at his bare feet, wiggling his toes to distract from the hot blush that he could feel creeping up to turn his milky white skin a bright pink. 

Berlin didn't have to look to know Oasis' expression had shifted from one of concern and 'pissed-off-tedness' to one of amusement as he guffawed, throwing his head back in amusement at his Mate’s question. 

The young man pouted, crossing his arms as he looked up at his lover through his hair. 

"You're too damn innocent for your own good, you know that?" Oasis teased, still laughing through Berlin’s words. 

The young man had gotten used to the Alpha’s frequent use of curse words over the past week and although he still thought of them as indecent, he'd accepted there was no changing that aspect of his Mate.

"Hey... don't laugh at me, it's a real question. Brook said it was her kink but I don't even really know what that is and if it's real or anything and I'm just curious if it was really a joke or maybe it was serious..." 

Oasis silences Berlin’s nervous rant with a finger to his lips, making him shiver at the barely-there contact. 

The Alpha smirked wickedly, his hands slinking behind his tiny lover to wrap his arms around his slender waist, stealing his breath as he jerked Berlin towards him, their bodies pressing together tightly. 

Oasis leaned down, his lips brushing up Berlin’s neck before he reached his ear, tugging it gently with his teeth before whispering."

How about I give you a more... hands-on answer?"

[nimbus713]

gonna document this here so i don’t feel like i’m going crazy tomorrow

so i got yelled at multiple times. someone called me stupid. people made me go over to explain something to them then told me they’d take anyone else because i’m bad at explaining things. i started crying.

people forced me out of a group for a game. i started crying. someone pointed out i was crying and started laughing, making me cry more. i settle down, have a decent time playing the game but still feel like shit

later ask people to not laugh at me for crying, since me crying has become the butt of the joke constantly. people tell me i’m overreacting and they weren’t laughing at me they were laughing in their conversation (may have been true for some but others were definitely laughing at me specifically). explain that no, i heard someone literally laugh at me. people tell me again that no, that’s not when happened.

i get a bit angry, tell them not to invalidate what i’m saying because i know what happened. also apologize to everyone who did actually care and ask me if i was okay.

two people leave group chat. i’ve been crying this whole time but i start crying even more. i get mad because this is the only time i’ve ever actually expressed my feelings to these people. i also leave group.

either i’ll get added back tomorrow along with the other two or i’ll never get added back because everyone hates me. we’ll see.

[high-functioning-lokipath]

Leonard "Bones" McCoy x reader - Blundering Infatuation - Words: 787

A/N: This was requested by my BFF @rebelscum44 😄😄 The prompts were: "For purely scientific purposes" & “Stop fighting! You’re acting like children!”

You woke up slowly, pain shooting through your skull as you tried to open your eyes. As your head cleared, you heard two people arguing in hushed voices.

“Over half our injuries are from the engineering department,” Bones hissed. “Just look at Y/N! This is the 5th time she's been here in as many weeks!”

“While your concern is valid, Doctor, considering your rather personal interest in Lieutenant Y/N, your point is invalid. When you consider the field of work that the engineering department works in and compare that to the science, medical or command departments, the ratio of major injuries to accidents is comparatively small.”

“To heck with your ratios, Spock!” Bones cried. “I don’t want to see Y/N getting hurt like this anymore!”

“So you do admit your entire argument is focused on Y/N and not on the department in general?” Spock asked, a smug grin not shown on his lips but clear in his voice. You slowly opened your eyes, groaning lightly as you tried to sit up.

“Stop fighting! You’re acting like children!”

"Lieutenant Y/N, you've woken up," Spock commented.

"Thank you for that insightful analysis Mr. Spock," Bones huffed. Walking over to you he smiled and checked you with the tricorder. "How're you feeling, darlin?"

"Like I've been run over by a truck," You groaned.

"How would you know-"

"3 missions ago, Spock," You interrupted him. "I literally got run over by a truck then. The old Earth expression suddenly made sense." Bones ran the tricorder over you, worry evident in his face. “If it makes you feel any better,” You groan. “I was planning on asking for a transfer anyway.” Bones lets out a breath of relief he didn’t know he was holding. “Mr. Spock?” You say. “I trust you can make the necessary arrangements for me to be in your department?” Spock nods, turns on his heel, and leaves.

“Thank you, Y/N,” The Doctor smiles at you. You sit up carefully and take his hand in yours.

“I know you worry about me, Leonard,” You sigh. “I just wish I could promise I would never get hurt again. But it’s the nature of our job. I worry about you too.”

“Well,” He said. “At least you’ll be safer with Spock. He may get on my last nerve more often than you’ve been injured, but he’ll take care of you.”

A whole month goes by without any disasters. But of course, that can't last forever. "Dr. McCoy," Spock says, calmly walking into Medbay carrying you. "Lieutenant Y/N requires medical attention."

"Hi, Len," You smile weakly.

"What in blazes happened, Spock?" Bones yells.

"Remember that exploding plant from Oliza 6?" You ask. Bones nods nervously. "Yeah, we blew it up," You laugh, immediately clutching your sides in pain.

"Why would you do that?" Bones hisses, carefully taking you from Spock and laying you on the bed.

"For purely scientific purposes, I assure you Doctor," Spock pipes up.

"Scientific purposes," Bones grumbles, standing toe to toe with Spock. "I'll tell you what you can do with your scientific purposes!"

"Excuse me! Just got blown up here!" You interrupt. Bones quickly turns to help you, an apologetic look on his face.

"Would you consider transferring here?"

"To work with you?" You smile. "Yeah, I guess that wouldn't be too bad."

2 months later both you and Bones were happy to realize how accident free you were while working in Medbay. "Darlin', I couldn't be prouder," Leonard smiled at you. You chuckled and took the box of new supplies to the stockroom to put them away.

"Oh for-argh-darn it!" You yelled a few minutes later after a particularly loud clatter.

"What happened?" Bones yelled running into the room. At seeing your situation he couldn't hold back a laugh. You had stepped up on the lowest shelf to put the box on the top shelf. Everything, of course, came crashing down, including yourself.

“Not a word,” You growled. Leonard chuckled, shaking his head, and helped you up.

“Darlin’? How’s your foot feeling?”

“Kinda numb. Oh no! I didn’t break it did I?” You cried, not wanting to look.

“No, no, nothing seems to be broken. But you have an anesthetic hypo stuck in it.” You groaned as he helped you sit on the bed and plucked the hypo out.

“I can’t believe it. Maybe I would be better off working in navigation.” Bones laughed heartily and hugged you.

“I love you, Y/N. And I would much rather have you here with me where I can take care of you.”

“Aw thanks, Len,” You smiled, hugging him back.

“And besides, with your luck you'd probably crash the ship.”

“Leonard!”

TAG ME IN EVERYTHING

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Star Trek TOS/AOS

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[vizthedatum]

As I told my friend earlier today:

The only people who got mad at me during a breakup or when I put up a boundary… were the ones who I shouldn’t have trusted. The ones who felt they were entitled to me.

—

This year these people were (known by my nicknames for them):

The Antichrist: a white man who thought he looked like Jesus and liked to boast about it… he yelled at me and agonized about why I didn’t allow him to touch me or hug me or have sex with me. I put up a touch boundary, and he freaked out. He kept trying to break it, and I kept saying no. (He also did not respect a “no” from one of my ex-gfs earlier this year… and blamed it on her “hysteria” - what a fucking loser.)

“Stanley” (like from the Tennessee Williams play): my ex-gf’s legal husband. We were trying to be a triad. Straight up broke a sexual boundary and denied it - figured out later it was non-consensual (I’m autistic and traumatized and it’s very hard for me to be present when stuff like this happens). Then he argued with me over inane things, I told him I felt disrespected. He stopped talking and then showed up at my apartment uninvited (I had explicit rules at my last apartment about people not showing up uninvited due to my trauma). I blocked him. My ex left him eventually.

The third person who got upset - my most recent ex-partner: I honestly thought this was a good relationship. Issues started “small:” pieces of poly information that were kept from me, telling me they loved me in the middle of sex for the first time and the clarifying later that they weren’t in love with me, withdrawing affection gradually while taking on more sexual partners, cheated on their other partner by breaking a fluid-bonding agreement with me, telling me that I often “over promised and under delivered” with respect to me being chronically ill and not being able to do activities during our dates (which yeah, I own up to but I disclosed my conditions right at the beginning - it’s something that I can’t control sometimes - so it felt very ableist)…

The reason why we broke up was because I started feeling pregnant at the beginning of the month and they “believed me” but didn’t “think/feel” I was… sprinkled with lots of invalidating energy (how they were concerned about my belief, that it might be a phantom pregnancy, not telling their other partner). Their stance left me confused as my health worsened over the month. They DID help me with physical stuff but it was no different than prior months - and I needed emotional support and to collaborate on what was happening to my body. (I won’t know if I’m pregnant or not until later, clinically, and I very well may not be. I don’t have STIs, and I’ve ruled out other things. My health situation is kinda complicated.). When their other partner found out (a whole other story that I’ve blogged about earlier), their partner requested a pause in our friendship/meta relationship and requested a strictly parallel poly dynamic. I told my partner I didn’t consent this model, and I considered it cheating done to me because that’s not what I agreed to. Not only that, I also found out they had been intimate with someone and just neglected to tell me until they kissed them right in front of me (please note: I really wouldn’t have minded if I knew it was going to happen (I love love and intimacy and want that for my partners - I just need to have poly trust in this and be aware) - and no, that other person didn’t know that I was potentially pregnant either). My ex’s poly style is VALID but I didn’t consent to it and that’s not how I do my ENM.

I broke up with them, they got upset and told me I hated them and I was being unkind. They told me they felt used (when I made it a HUGE POINT early on in the relationship that I needed them to tell me if they didn’t want to do stuff).

But it’s like… lol (/s) you’re not gonna change how you do poly (this was confirmed too) or how you keep secrets… so what else was I gonna do? They literally chose their other partner over me. I was already having panic attacks and severe anxiety while trying to manage a potential pregnancy… and I wasn’t getting the emotional support I needed from them. While having a full time job and other chronic health issues.

I deserve better.

[starshipsofstarlord]

Can you do a reader x Damon salvatore where everyone thinks the only reason they are together is because damon sired her, but she gets angry and tells them the truth that she always had feelings and didn't say anything because she knew he liked Elena...

Sire Or No Sire

damon Salvatore x reader / masterlist

summary; it is easily perceived why you look at Damon the way that you do, though most people think that is an affect of him having turned you to save your life. And that is the last straw of you realising that they know nothing / warnings; mentions of Damon x Elena, mentions of Damon x Caroline, jealousy, angst, mentions of the sire bond, mentions of sex, swearing, angst, breakup, toxic friendships

Their voices, their aloud opinions, brought you nothing but pain, the tragedy seeping into your vervain allergic veins, as you shook your head. It was as though they thought that you were unable to hear their chatter, but you knew that they would be wrong with assuming so. You were no longer weak, with human senses flooding your every whim, you were a vampire.

An immortal. It felt strange to think that you would no longer age in physical layers, instead, your mind would be the only participant within your body to forever grow with the various memories that you would be collecting through the next decades. Though, you weren’t the only one, Caroline was in that room, reprimanding Damon for saving your life.

You could hear her words loud and clear, as the Salvatores and the rest of your friends stood by, some agreeing with her, such as Elena, whereas others remained silence, such as the vampire that had turned you in the first place. The viscous tone hissing out of the blonde’s mouth scathed you emotionally, and ended with you thudding back against Damon’s bedroom door, before entering the room, and ensuring that it was locked behind you.

“The two of you are only together because of the sire bond. You turning her, had become nothing more an excuse to fuck and put a label on it!”

Did she think that she was defending you? Because to you, it didn’t sound like it, but that was Caroline for you, always insistent of her opinion, though, you two did get along. The pair of you understood what it was like to be on the sidelines, whilst perfect Elena played the victim every time, and got any guy she wanted, even her friends were swayed with the young gentlemen first.

Elena Gilbert was the epiphany of perfect; she was the damsel in distress, giving the opportunity to whomever she sought after to come and save her. You weren’t her, dissimilar to the whiny brunette, you were prepared to fight the monsters that threatened your life, human or not. And that included Damon long ago, before you saw how sweet the over century old man was.

One thing that you had never done though, was date someone and bluntly flirt with their brother. That was crossing a line, you appreciated honesty, especially in this lifestyle, and Caroline had declared her thoughts. She spoke truthfully, believing her own words, though they were far from facts.

They needed to know that you weren’t invested in a relationship with Damon because of him turning you, it was something you had never asked for, nor dreamed about. But it had happened, and whilst it brought the pair of you closer, there was no maker bond, instead, there had already been a flirtatious brewing between the pair of you whilst you were still human.

You becoming like him gave the two of you more time together as he trained you to breathe idly in and calm your bloodlust. Or how in the middle of the night, he would come by your house, and awake you from a terror, afterwards taking you for an innocent stroll through the woods.

Without him, you’d have been on a path to nowhere, lost and unable to find a route to continue on, wading through the life after death with no direction, nor set course to keep you in line. Surely, you’d have murdered many a man or woman, if you were dependant with surviving with her bewitched curse of immortality, digging into their inviting throats with your dagger canine teeth, that pulsed to be fed.

“That’s a load of- you know what, think what you want to think, you have a history of jealousy filled, toxic and werewolf involved relationships, you are not exactly the best person here to judge me on my healthy and loving romantic partnership with y/n!”

Damon half yelled at the vampiric blonde, however, another tone was fast to respond to his defensive outburst and cause the both of you a disgruntled pair of expressions. “She was turned by you brother, that runs the risk of a sore bond appropriating her feelings.”

Oh, noble Stefan. He had caused you to snap, thrusting the door open to his brother’s bedroom open, making its hinges weaken, as you whisked through the halls in seconds, joining the compendium of mystic falls in the living space, all eyes turned to you, well aware that you had heard all their smart mouthed and toxic opinions.

The sire bond wasn’t something that was too uncommon, however it affected nothing in your life. It was just for them to pick at something that was good, they could never allow something that was actually decent to revel in existence. They had to be the ones with the perfect prissy lives, not others.

“Shut your mouth, ripper!” Yes, you pulled at that string of his life, dangling it degradingly before his eyes, watching as his eyes that were focalised into you turned sour. “I love your brother, and just because you loved the love triangles the pair of you would be involved in with bitchy Gilbert over there, or bloody Katherine, does not make any other people that he or you are with invalid!”

Elena stepped forwards, her doe eyes boring with contained anger towards you. Though instead of speaking to you, her words were directed at her ex, and she wanted to gouge your reaction. “You promised me that we were going to last forever, are you going to do the same to her?”

“No, because I don’t need a time span to appreciate her presence in. I don’t need to tell her lies nor make selfish promises, because with her I am a better man.” Damon sneered at her, coming to stand beside you, protectively wrapping his arm around your shoulders.

“It’s the sire bond.” Elena stated furiously, hating the fact that she was not getting her way. In turn, you laughed, shaking your head at her incessant denial of allowing Damon to move on.

“Shut the fuck up, if you had maybe given a shit about me in the past, you’d have realised that I would stare at you enviously when you were at his side. But maybe you knew, and you just wanted to brag, but I can prove that there is no bond other than the one we already built together.”

“Yeah, and how are you going to do that?” She pestered, and with a sorrowful glance directed at Damon, you dropped your head, anything but proud with what you were about to do. Swiftly you turned, watching as Damon’s eyes widened.

“I’m going to leave.” Whence you began to walk, a hand grasped your wrist, keeping your feet locked where they were. Caroline’s voice broke through the air, her eyes were filled with regret, from all the things that she had said, and all the opinions that she had formed.

“You’re not serious! You’re gonna break up with him because of us?” Stiffly you nodded, watching as Damon felt a taken back. He gaped his mouth open, in shock.

“I’d do anything for my friends, despite the circumstances not being reciprocated. I’m not even allowed to be in a relationship with the man that I love because you are all endorsed with the idea that it’s some stupid bond. Yes, we have a bond, but it’s not a sire one.”

“Baby, don’t.” Damon practically begged, watching as you yourself were torn and conflicted in regards to the situation. A sad smile monitored your face, as you slipped out of his grasp.

“We might have to wait another lifetime until we’re allowed to be together without resorts of undermining and people that don’t really care about us. Some people want there to be a whole ass agility course to separate us, but maybe if we wait, we can prove how wrong they are, if they’re not dead by then.”

Caroline felt terrible, once again Stefan had taken his brother’s life from him, and Elena, well she felt accomplished. She went to reach for Damon’s arm, but he threw her consoling manner and herself across the room, heading straight after you, with a bottle of bourbon.

If you could leave them to prove a point, so could be; he loved you. That was enough, especially for him, he could leave those doses of poison behind, if he would grant himself permission without asking, a peaceful life with you.