#social dysphoria

[dysphoric-culture-is]

Not dysphoric culture, sorry, but does mod have any tips on socially transitioning, especially in school? I’m not even out yet, but I like to make plans for what I’m gonna do to make me feel less stuck in the closet, but I’ve only ever really thought about medical transition and don’t really know how to go about socially transitioning. (Afab, nonbinary, want to be perceived as neutral/masculine, if that’s any help)

Don’t apologize anon, mod is here to (try) to give advice!

Mod actually came out at school a couple of years ago (a conservative middle/high school where mod was one of the first publicly out not binary people) so. Here is some stuff.

Support:

Find a good friend group, and ideally also a decent guidance counselor who will not out you before you’re ready

Some fake friends will continue to misgender and deadname you. If this continues for months on end and you keep reminding them, they may not be a real friend

Meet other queer and trans people in your school! Join a GSA/acceptance club if there’s one! Find a trans person in your school that’s older than you and ask them for advice!!

Older trans people in your school can sometimes help you buy gender-affirming products (ex: if they can have it shipped to their house and can use their card, and then you pay them back in cash, for safety reasons etc) or queer merch.

If you want your name and gender marker to be changed in the school’s system you often have to go through the guidance department. Depending on where you live you do not need parental consent for this and do not let the guidance department bully you into it. You shouldn't need a court order either

Google classroom/digitization of education has made life harder for trans students because you will see the wrong name and pronouns listed everywhere. Schools with ID cards have this problem but worse because even if you cover up the name with a sticker, whenever your ID is scanned it will out you. Some places even require students to scan IDs to use the bathroom- a double nightmare for trans students.

Student pictures are cringe. Try to dress as gender-affirming as possible for picture day and remember that you’re likely only being photographed from the shoulders up (chest dysphoria = not your biggest problem)

Not all school systems have a nonbinary marker. Mod’s school pretended not to have one and it took some digging and anxious waiting to get one (mod has since gotten it, is one of the first students in the school’s history to have one, and is spreading resources to other trans and nonbinary students in the school community). For you anon if you can’t get an X/O/N/etc marker you can get a M, which may not be completely accurate but it might make you less dysphoric as compared to a F

Yearbooks might have pre-transition photos of you or even elementary school photos of you so try to speak to someone on the yearbook committee/club about it. Senior year in general can be a nightmare if you’re trans/nb because so many pictures are taken of you and a lot of old photos/letters are dug up

The uncomfortable stuff:

You need to use the bathroom especially if you do after-school activities. This is non-negotiable and far too many trans people (especially transmascs + nonbinary people who were AFAB) get UTIs by avoiding the bathroom all day. Using a public bathroom may be dysphoria inducing but having to see a urologist/gynecologist is much worse. But it’s true that school bathrooms suck! Find one that is the least suck-y (clean, not used very often, ideally gender-neutral) and try to use that one. Not all schools have a gender neutral bathroom, and the ones that do may only have one dirty, single-person bathroom for the entire school (like mod’s). For your case specifically anon if you feel you pass well enough/don’t pass but have enough support at school you can try to use the men’s room. The thing about using the men’s restroom is you have to walk in with confidence (fake confidence is okay too!) and act unbothered.

Mod has never heard of a gender-neutral school locker room, at least below the college level, ever. The good thing is that a lot of students no longer have to change for gym, or that some schools will give nonbinary students the option of changing in the gender neutral bathroom instead. (At mod’s school, their ‘nonbinary inclusive’ policy [which likely did not exist until mod asked about it] is that nonbinary students can choose which gendered locker room they’d like to use! How very inclusive and totally not avoiding the problem! [sarcasm]) You can ask a gym teacher to keep your bag in their office or leave your bag in the gym to avoid the locker rooms.

Your peers:

They might be transphobic, they might be supportive, or they might just not care. Either way they will probably misgender you purely because they knew you pre-transition. Mod has people in school that mod went to elementary school with and many of them are literally the worst. It's a horrible feeling to know that some people will always see you as [deadname and what your AGAB was] even if you 'pass' or correct people. But unless you transfer to another school there is nothing you can do about that.

Just find people who support you, ideally fellow trans people, and ignore those guys.

Transitioning:

You've probably seen a bunch of tips for gender presentation and might have done some already. For masculine/masc-leaning neutral some are: men's clothing, shorter hair, makeup to contour, binding/packing, layered clothing, etc. Some behavioral changes are voice training (do not rely only on T to change your voice if that's your plan!), taking on more masculine speech patterns, walking more confidently, exercising (target certain areas to create a more masculine shape), etc.

The actual coming out part:

Coming out is scary. Friends can encourage you, but you also have to come out to them first.

Most teachers mod has talked to about being queer have been at least polite/tolerant about it. There hasn’t been any outright hostility, but there has been more subtle transphobia. And mod uses neopronouns in a conservative place! The only major issue was when mod sent a teacher an email about mod’s pronouns + nb inclusive curriculum and he sent the email to the principal without asking (wild stuff. He agreed to use they/them for mod, but also denied taking responsibility for his curriculum excluding queer people).

If you want to come out at school but not at home, you can email/talk to your teachers in person and tell them to call you ___ in school and your deadname/wrong pronouns in front of your parents. Some counselors will email your teachers for you if you’re scared of your parents reading your emails/searching your device

You can write your chosen name almost wherever you want! You do not need it changed it the system to use it and especially if you’re writing on paper you can use it.

You are your biggest advocate! You need to get really good at standing up for yourself. Catering to or being nice to transphobes will usually not help you. You will probably need to push people: 'my pronouns are ____' not 'I prefer ____', 'what is the policy on nonbinary students, and if one doesn't exist how are we going to make one' not 'is there a nonbinary policy', 'I will wear the _____ uniform' not 'is it ok for trans people to wear the _____ uniform', 'call me ____' not 'um I have a preferred name and it's ____ is that okay', 'how will you make room for me' not 'can you make room for me' etc. It is not rude to be assertive! Transphobes will call you rude for simply existing in a way they don't like. Make sure to be clear about what you need and don't give them room to evade your requests. Nonbinary students who will come to your school several years from now will thank you.

It’s good that you’re planning ahead for coming out anon because that can make it less overwhelming, but overthinking can also really get you. If planning your coming out (which may or may not happen soon) starts to only stress you out and not give you any joy then you maybe need to take a break.

There's a lot more stuff but this is just a general overview so if you have more specific questions please send in another ask! Good luck anon!

[transenbyconfessions]

TW: self-deprecation

I'm agender. It's so hard.

I'm starting to come out to my friends, and the reply I get most of the time is "ok cool" or "I don't think it changes anything" which is. great. i am grateful that they accept me and don't look down on me, but i want it to matter. I want it to be a big deal. i want them to see me differently, i want them to ask questions. Because no matter how many times I come out, they will just say that it's okay and forget about it, and I won't have the heart to try to remind them.

I don't pass. I don't want to pass. I don't know what it means to pass as agender. I like my voice, and I like my body, but I still have so so much social dysphoria. I wish i accepted myself, and I wish I could bravely go against gender norms, but it's just so hard. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want suffering to be the only proof of my identity.

Understanding myself is hard. Figuring out how I'm comfortable presenting is also hard. And I know and respect that binary trans folks also struggle a lot, and so much more in other aspects of life than I am, but sometimes I wish I would just be trans because. i would have a goal in mind. I would have gender euphoria. I could explain it to people. I think it's easier for others to see someone as a woman/man and refer to them by their pronouns because people are already familiar with it. It's easier to be at peace with your own identity because you understand it. If someone was to ask me about my gender now, there's nothing I could even say. like. no matter which pronouns you use I will still feel uncomfortable. There's no right way about it. I will not be recognised legally. I don't belong in any social group. I can't just be "with the boys" or "with the girls". There is no place for me in society, and I feel so lonely. I want to cry. I want someone to see me for who I am.

Submitted May 31, 2023

[muzsmoux]

being nonbinary/agender and trying to express myself in any way feels like such a net-loss for me. I either wear the dresses I love and wear my hair a tad long and free, but get treated as a woman automatically by everyone, even people I've come out to. Or I cut my hair short and dress all cool and androgynous and punk and be called "stereotypical" and be clocked by every transphobe within a 10 km radius.

And I know there's nothing wrong with being "stereotypical". I want the blue hair and pronouns as much as any passive aggressive nb. I just don't know how to dress so people treat me in a way that doesn't make me violently uncomfortable.

[jaydenchip404]

Young Women's

So I'm Christian, and while I don't really like religion, I still participate in it when I have the time (my job and school get in the way). Young women's groups typically gather to provide spiritual support, encouragement, and guidance to young women within the Christian faith. These groups often focus on fostering a deeper relationship with God through prayer, Bible study, and fellowship with other believers. They may address topics relevant to young women, such as relationships, identity, purpose, and navigating life's challenges from a biblical perspective. And I was added to a group chat explaining the activities we were going to do.

Not only did they use my dead name (I'm not out to anyone, irl), but they also spelled it wrong. I hate going to Young Women's. Not only is it super boring, but I'm not a girl. I am always in awe of my younger brother, who gets to go to Young Men's. They always do fun things. I even joke about me wanting to go to Young Men's (I say it in a joking matter, even though deep down I know it's not a joke). I feel really bad right now. I hate being misgendered. But I'm scared of what my church will do and what my family will do if they ever find out I'm a trans man.

This group chat thing has given me an ungodly amount of gender and social dysphoria. I really don't know what to do, but I will take it and say nothing.

[tellme-o-muse]

I’ve come to believe that social dysphoria is better explained and understood in other words. Social dysphoria is the ‘ick’ whenever others around you do not see you as you see yourself. It intensifies if you have told others how you see yourself, but you are still not recognised as yourself in others’ eyes. Come to think of it… I hardly believe it is an uncommon sensation nor is it something only experienced by genderqueer people.

In it’s essence I think it is the feeling of being misunderstood.

And further, having expectations you don’t want or feel belong to you, being put on your shoulders because of the way people see you. This image people see of you, and their expectations, are wrong. This is what makes experiencing social dysphoria so painful

[futuristiclovezr]

i want a bf who will reassure me when i’m feeling dysphoric.

i want him to comfort me and tell me that i’m his pretty boy. that even when i dress feminine that he’s still gay for me. like to openly acknowledge that we’re in a gay relationship.

i want a boy that sees me as a little bit boy and just genderfluid if that makes since.

like yes call me your bf/gf but just know i’m not actually on the binary scale of man and woman.

[beyond-mogai-pride-flags]

Sociodysphoric/Physiodysphoric Flags

Sociodysphoric Pride Flag

Sociodysphoria: a term for social gender dysphoria; ascribing dysphoria directed towards how you are referred to and viewed by others and society (name, pronouns, gender roles and how others perceive you). It may also include sociocultural/cultural dysphoria (dissonance between the social expectations of an individual's cultural performance or identity, and their desired embodiment of that culture, or uncertainty about where they fit into existing cultural categories).

Physiodysphoric Pride Flag

Physiodysphoria: a term for corporeal gender dysphoria; ascribing dysphoria directed toward the physical aspects of one’s gender (chest, genitals, voice, body shape, etc.). Not necessarily gender dysmorphia.

Some individuals experience both, some only one (sociophoria or physiophoria), and some neither. And it's not exclusive to trans people.

[touch-starved-lurker]

oh no

the gender dysphoria™️ has made an appearance with full force

christmas and thus relatives are coming up and i just Oh No

[hamiltrashalter]

being misgendered is like being hit with a ton of bricks. i was mesing around with some friends and one of them called me woman. not my name. not even my deadname. just woman. my train of thought crashed. they started joking around while my day was on a massive decline. i already was feeling dysphoric but this just made it so much worse. later in the day some guys i knew a long time ago started shouting my deadname. they have used my real name before bu they just started shouting through the hall. "Hey [deadname]!" I wanted to dissapear.

[stal3bread]

DISCLAIMER: this is about MY experience of transness, and in particular trans manhood/masculinity. Your experience of transness may not be the same as mine, and neither of us is more 'valid' than the other.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really trans. Like, I managed to hyperfeminise myself for maybe a year, back when I was a 14-15 year old and I was desperate to be liked. Sure, I felt like shit, like I was wearing a costume of womanhood, but I kept it up. And I liked feminine stuff as a kid, and I've never been sporty. There were signs of me being trans as a kid, like me packing when I was four, or me getting a 'boy haircut' when I was 10 and it being the first time I ever really saw myself, but I wasn't really a stereotypical trans kid.

I sort of figured out I was trans when I was 12, I even told my mom after she asked me if I wanted to be a boy, but I guess I was too scared to actually be myself. Some boys at school asked me if I was trans, as if it was some disgusting, sick joke, and it was terrifying. That day, I decided I wasn't trans, couldn't be trans. And I sometimes wonder if the fact that I was able to survive three years pretending to be cis after that means I'm not 'really trans', whatever the hell that means. Of course, those three years were some of the worst of my life and I only barely survived, but I survived, didn't I?

But then I put on a binder or a packer, and it just feels like... me. It feels like this was the body I was meant to have. I think about going on T or getting top surgery and I just feel totally paralysed and stuck because I have no idea when I'll be able to transition medically. I feel like I'm living halfway, not able to live as a real person. I'm just waiting for when my life can truly start, when I can be a full human being with a full life. I wait with bated breath when I talk to a stranger, praying I'll get a 'sir', or just not a 'ma'am', because a 'ma'am' signifies shame to me. It's a shame that my secret has been discovered, the secret of my 'true' gender.

I don't hate being trans, but it's made my life a hell of a lot harder. Sometimes I wish I was cis, so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this shit. Mostly I wish the world was kinder to trans people, didn't treat us like a political talking point rather than a group of real people. I wish I could just... exist.

[dysphoric-culture-is]

question: Is it morally wrong to lie about my AGAB online? I'm AFAB, but wearing the label of FTM or simply Trans makes me dysphoric to a level unimaginable. I cope by lying about my AGAB and saying I'm AMAB, but I've recently been thinking about the morality of doing so.

It's best not to assign morality to AGABs, anon. They're just labels after all.

Also: people online (and most people IRL) are not entitled to know what some doctor said about you when you were born. Calling yourself a male or saying you were AMAB/a cis man isn't problematic, because it's the internet and it doesn't matter. You're a male: end of story.

Even IRL trans people lie about their AGAB all the time for whatever reason (being stealth, not getting misgendered on forms, dysphoria, etc). Transfems and nonbinary people also lie about their AGAB.

Unless you're in a doctor's office/court/etc, you can say anything about your assigned sex you want! You could even say you were MTM (a trans man who feels like he's always been male in some way), refuse to talk about AGABs, or use a label like A?AB.

[transenbyconfessions]

I got a heavy wave of dysphoria after a video where people discussed how they can be themselves (in terms of gender). It was a video from cis people for cis people, and I'm not even mad that they forgot trans people (like, they talked about their experiences like they're universal), but I still felt like a formless creature because I couldn't completely relate to people of my gender. I'm binary trans, but I feel like those things conflict with each other and I will never fit into the binary.

This doesn't make sense, I know! But I hate how I walk in circles trying to find myself when others don't accept how I look because my life is also this of my AGAB, but I also have to live this way because of my appearance and rn it's hard to change it

Submitted May 29, 2023

[just-an-average-rock]

Just got invited to a girls night and now I want to cry

[dysphoric-confessions]

hello, this is a confession blog for dysphoric people! i, the mod, go by it/its! about 12 seconds of searching didn’t find me a dysphoria confession blog so i made this. i don’t tag nsfw. i block transmedicalists and other assholes. take caution if you’re triggered by descriptions of dysphoria. if you like this blog, you may also like @dysphoric-culture-is.

[d0llyxtears]

Pretty boi ~

Still experimenting with gender identity/expression. I’ve been very very dysphoric lately and my family isn’t helping… so to elevate some of the discomfort I cut my hair and tried some masculine makeup…. Sadly I can’t wear my binder today because it’s being washed ….

Body/social dysphoria is really kicking my ass lately….