#sometimes i still think about people i... well maybe not exactly interacted with because they were all at least 5 years older than me

[leatherbookmark]

randomly picked up vol2 of given and Emotions have overtaken me.

[leaf-line]

𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐈𝐬 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐂𝐫𝐮𝐞𝐥

Yandere! Jiaoqiu X Gn! Reader

❏ Jiaoqiu finds himself enjoying your company that he wants to extend it more.

cw: might be lore inaccurate, might be ooc, a hint of angst, you being called annoying, force feeding, mentions of pinning, no beta we die like Tingyun, written in Jiaoqiu's pov + he doesn't talk, pls don't be confused, reader is loud.

w/c: 962

Immortality is a crime... No, rather, it's a sin.

"Alchemy Commission... Agh—!! Where was that place again?! Wait a minute... Hey there! You! The pretty foxian boy with pink hair!"

Jiaoqiu finds it hard to believe that a human like you were accepted into a prestigious place such as the Alchemy Commission. You weren't even a Xianzhou Native, just a regular human. Why did he even try to put an effort into knowing who you were? Maybe it was because apart of him was curious about you and why the hell were you so loud? Honestly, he shouldn't have.

"Ohhhh, so this was the place, wow, I could've sworn I've ran into here multiple times before, why didn't I see it? Speaking of which, can you even actually see that? Why are your eyes closed?"

He wasn't exactly sure why he welcomed you so easily into his life. To put it into words... You were eccentric, goofy, and a slacker with no sense of direction, you speak out loud what's on your mind, no matter the place and time.

"Alas, we meet again, blind foxian... So you're my senior? But you're so short—"

You were blunt, sometimes it was funny, sometimes it was annoying. But Jiaoqiu never heard you tell a lie ever since the first time he met you. Although if he ever hears you call him any more honest insults, he's gonna spike your lunch with one of his handmade concoctions.

"Noooo!! Please! I don't want to memorize another set of ingredients for a different medicine!! Have mercy!!!"

And did he mention that you were loud? He'd be lying if he said he didn't find it entertaining, since the people there were so serious and gloomy. You were like the clown of the class, and Jiaoqiu was simply there to be entertained.

"You mean to say that in your own eyes, you think that food is medicine? That's... Super interesting!!"

...That wasn't a lie right? Well, Jiaoqiu hoped so. You were cheerful, upbeat, and optimistic at some times, he's yet to be accustomed by that kind of personality.

"Oh, yeah, sure I'll have a taste of your cookings, leave it to me! I'm a good food critique!"

Have a taste, he says. He doesn't know what you will reply. Will you tell him it tastes garbage? Will you tell him it's the most godsend food you've ever tasted in your life? He doesn't know, not unless he tries to have you eat it. At some point you were brutally honest it hurts him through the gut, but surely at some point when he impresses you, it would feel rewarding, right?

"This straight up tastes awful, this one is painfully bland, and this is, hmm... Let me taste again, ...mmmm!! It's super delicious!"

Was it a wrong choice when he interacted with you more? No, otherwise he would have felt so much joy in a long while. Bit by bit, you warmed up your way into his heart, securing a comfortable place in it. There was a saying that the way into person's was through their stomach, so why was it when the more he poured into your stomach and the more he was successful at making you happy, the more was being poured into HIS own heart?

"Jiaoqiu... Thanks a lot."

The second you were calm and silent. Aeons, you were adorable, beautiful, handsome and majestic in your own way that Idrilla would be jealous. He wanted nothing more but to cup your cheeks with his hands and connect your lips to his own. He wanted to hug you dearly, bask in your touch, bask in your scent. But he holds himself to the ground, after all, looking at the picturesque scene in front of him will suffice more than enough.

"What do you mean my hair is turning white? I'm still young you know?"

...Oh. Did time fly that fast when he's having fun? Was it this early for someone he would willingly hold dearly to part ways with him soon enough? Or was time just cruelly toying him? How could he even forget that you were a short-life specie, just how?

"Ugh... Sorry and thank you, Jiaoqiu. I mean, for taking care of me, I'm still really sick, my body is just getting weaker and weaker by the day... I don't know why..."

Time is running out. Why was his time with you getting cut short? Why? Why? No. He's gonna fix this, he can. All he wants is a little more time with you, can't he have that? He doesn't want to feel lonely again. Please... Stay...

"Jiaoqiu... Are you okay? You've been stuffing your nose into books all day. I just... Have a feeling your doing something suspicious, don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing you, I'm just worried."

Immortality is a sin, he knows that, he knows it all too well. The only way to achieve it is through the flesh of an Emanator of Abundance. The last time that went... Didn't go well. Fuck around with immortality and there will be a cost... That he's willing to pay, unfortunately for you. All he needed is to make a medicine that will ensure you to live longer, even if you become mara-struck, it doesn't matter.

"Are you sure this medicine is safe? I don't think that it is..."

Aeons! Just consume it will you!? Do you know how hand it took him to get his hands in these things!? Do you want him to strip naked and beg you to consume it!? You want him to pin you and shove it down your throat!?

Jiaoqiu wouldn't really consider himself sinful... So he wonders why he's dragging you into the pits of hell.

a/n: uh... this is inaccurate as hell, i barely read the lore leave me alone— 😭

[echotunes]

Do you like writing? Are you an MCYT fan? Do you sometimes struggle with getting that one character's dialogue to sound just right?

Well, I have a solution:

Echo's MCYT writing cheat sheet doc!

Featuring notes on 80+ CCs ranging from Hermitcraft, Empires SMP, and the Life Series to QSMP, this Google doc has now been in the works for nearly two years (since November 2021!), currently comprises 18k+ words, and still receives tweaks and updates pretty much every day.

Contents of each CC's section on the doc (which are in alphabetical order!) include:

Commonly used words/phrases - adjectives and adverbs! Exclamations! Filler phrases and words! and other turns of phrase that make their speech distinct from others

Sentence structure - including transcriptions of example sentences that help get an idea of how exactly someone tends to say (and stumble over) their words!

Interaction with others - do they use nicknames? Which ones? What little phrases do they tend to say in conversation?

Typing - how do they type in Minecraft chat? What emoticons do they use? Do they send one long message, or several short ones? Should it be all lowercase? Do they use apostrophes? and more, with example screenshots!

In-game movement - how do they move their cubito? Do they shuffle around on the spot while talking, or stand still to look someone in the face? How expressive are they? Do they shift for emphasis, or nod? etc!

and other random characterisation notes - any fun facts about their character that you might want to keep in mind while writing!

There's also some bonus content outside of the specific character sections - links to general writing resources, recaps and summaries and quotes from the series the CCs on the doc have been involved in, as well as notes, conversation transcripts and clips I've compiled for some specific character dynamics!

(Important disclaimer: This isn't a 100% comprehensive guide - I'm just one person, and this is entirely comprised of notes I take while watching, so it's never going to be perfect or fully accurate. It also varies a lot on its level of detail for each CC, because I watch some people more than others, and in the case of QSMP there's language barriers involved, too.)

But I do think it can be pretty helpful. So if you're struggling, maybe consider giving this doc a try - you might find something useful inside! <3

[deansapplepie]

You couldn’t lose each other

Summary: You were pregnant, then you weren’t.

Warnings: ANGST, pregnancy, miscarriage, mention of character death, mention of “putting someone down”, soft Merle, on purpose asshole Daryl, blood, hurt, mental instability, hurt, stubborn main characters, loss, grief, and maybe more. 18+, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

A/N: I never experienced miscarriage and am writing everything based on my knowledge through series, movies, soap operas and books, so it may have inaccuracies. If you are sensible to any of those topics please don’t read, your mental health is more important!

It had started about a week ago, heavy dizziness and morning sickness (which didn’t happen exactly only in the morning). On top of that your period was late, which you tried to atribute to the sub nutrition all of you went through while on the road, but as soon as other symptoms started… you knew it was probably other thing.

You went on a run with Daryl to get more baby formula for Jude and just discreetly added a pregnancy test on your backpack, in a part you hoped Daryl wouldn’t look because he never did. As soon as you got to the prison and had some alone time you risked yourself going somewhere, no one would see you or find you, to pee on the damn thing and find the truth. The truth was… you knew it, you didn’t need a test, you were undoubtedly and very much pregnant.

One end of afternoon, Merle sat by your side and didn’t bother to tip toe around you. “When are ya gonna tell ‘im?”

“What?” He took you back with his question.

“When are ya telling my brother ya’re with his baby?” Your eyes widened at his question. “Daryl ain’t the only one with observation skills. Who ya think taught him everything? I saw the symptoms and the pregnancy test you hid on your pocket the other day.”

“Fuck you Dixons.”

“Ya already do it to one of us.” He sassy replied, you rolled your eyes as usually happened during your banters.

“Soon. I’m just waiting the whole governor thing end. He already has too much to worry about, he’ll freak out if I tell him now. He’ll probably put me on bubble of safety and not let me do anything.” You stated, Daryl could have the rough exterior but both of you knew how he was, how he cared about people. Also he had changed so much the last months, and it was for the better. “Don’t tell him, let me do it.”

“Al’ight.” He surprised you, you had learned how to deal with Merle, but he wasn’t the same asshole as before. Still an asshole though. “It’ll be good have a mini Dixon around. I’ll help to keep ya’ll safe.”

“I know, you can be a jerk sometimes but I know you care about your family.” You gave the older Dixon a small smile and squeezed his hand to reassure him. That had been one of the nicest things he ever told you and coming from Merle, that was a lot.

The governor had asked for Michonne to leave your group alone, you didn’t believe a word of it it, but Merle did or at least he had to try. That morning he disappeared with her and all of you knew what he was up to. Daryl went after them, you wanted to go too but of course he wouldn’t “allow” you.

Some time after, Michonne arrived, alone. You asked about Merle and Daryl, and she told everything that happened with Merle. He had set her free and went by himself. It wouldn’t end up well, you could feel it in your guts, and your feeling just confirmed to be true when Daryl arrived alone.

Everyone gathered around him to know what happened and he told you with teary eyes. The others left to give both of you some time.

“Daryl, I’m sorry.” You said, both of your hands cupping his face, he averted your eyes. “Hey, look at me.”

“Leave me alone…” he grumply answered trying to get out of your grasp.

“We’re together in this, huh? I’m here for you, we both cared about Merle.” He snorted.

“Ya cared about Merle? Ya never liked him!”

That wasn’t true, he knew it wasn’t. He was hurt, he had to put his brother down, there wasn’t anyone else that could do it for him, even if there was… it had to be him. Somehow, in his abused mind, he thought it was all his fault. Merle died because he wanted to be a better person, he wanted to protect his little brother as much as he could in this fucked up world, and that was the way he found to do it. It was just a matter of time for you to do the same and it would be entirely his fault if you ended like Merle. You were the last thing he had from the old world. You were the only good thing he had, and if he had to push you away to keep you alive, that was what he was going to do, because he couldn’t afford living in a world without you.

“This isn’t true, Daryl. You’re hurting, I get it…” he cut your speaking before you could finish.

“Ya don’t. Ya never will!” He distanced himself when you tried to touch his arm. “We should break up.”

“What?!”

“Ya heard it.” He confirmed.

“Ok, when you’re not speaking no sense we can talk, I know you’re not ok, but there’s a limit of shit I can take.” You wouldn’t continue to insist on it if he was going to continue acting like that. You knew he was suffering, but so were you and he was being a prick.

“There ain’t gonna be another talk. I said what I said.” Those words left his mouth as if they were nothing, but each of them felt like a knife in his throat.

“Is it really the moment for you to dump me?” You knew he was emotionally unstable, no one make good decisions like this.

“Did I stutter?” The moment he threw the harsh words, he knew he had got what he wanted, the hurt in your eyes pained in his chest and this time he was sure he had lost you for good.

Since that day, you didn’t talk to him and he also ignored you. You asked Rick to not put you both working together anymore. You moved your things to Carol’s cell, now also your cell. Woodbury had fallen, now the survivors of the town had joined you at the prison.

Your little secret was still yours, or sort of… Carol was a mother. She went through all the shit you were going through, all of you saw Lori going through it. She knew it already, but didn’t tell you anything until one week after everything that happened.

She asked you, “aren’t you telling him?”

This time you didn’t even got surprised and already knew what she was talking about. “No.”

“And when it starts to show?”

“I’ll tell I just fucked someone and was too drunk to remember.” You stubbornly replied.

“You’re being childish, he deserves to know.” She was right, but you were tired and emotionally damaged already.

“ ‘cause he’s being a fucking kid too. I get it, he’s suffering, but he needs to stop hurting people every time he’s hurt. It’s time he grows up and man up.” You said arms crossed.

“You know his past better than I, I thought you from all the people would understand.” The older woman wisely said.

“Carol, I appreciate your concern, he’s your friend too, but you don’t understand.” You said, was it you? Was it the hormones? You couldn’t know. “Please, don’t tell him. It’s not your place to do it.”

“I won’t. You’re the one that should do it.” As soon as she answered, she left you alone.

One week later, or a little more, it seemed like Rick had forgotten his promise that he wouldn’t put you ti work with Daryl as he put both of you on fence duty to kill the walkers. Ok, there were more people with you, but you couldn’t help but feel yourself being watched and you knew the weight of his stare. You could feel it in your soul. Also, you couldn’t help yourself and from time to time look at him, because you would be a liar if you said you didn’t love him anymore or that you didn’t find him handsome and attractive, and what’s beautiful was made to look at.

It was middle of the morning, even though it was starting to get cold the sun was strong for whoever was working under it. You had sweat and few stains of blood from the walkers you had killed through the fence. You were feeling extra tired, you thought it was because pregnant women got more sleepy, so you didn’t think about it so much.

Some minutes after you felt a sharp pain on your lower stomach. Weird. ‘Please let it just be a stomachache or gases’, you thought.

You continued working then you felt the pain in the same place but sharper. ‘Please, don’t let it be anything with my baby’, you thought again.

You kept doing your job, this time more slowly as you felt the pain irradiating through your body, until you felt a stabbing pain in the same place and something hot going down your legs. You looked down and saw blood. “NO!”

You shouted and that called people’s attention Daryl’s specially. He looked at you and all he could see was blood. Did you hurt yourself with the weapon? Did the governor came back and wounded you? Did somehow a walker managed to bite you?

“Nooo-hooo-ooo.” You shouted cried throwing yourself to the ground.

In seconds he was kneeling by your side. “Hey, hey, look at me. What is it? What happened, doll?”

“I lost it.” You said, crying more at your realization. “I lost it.”

“What did ya lose, babe?” He asked, he thought you were delirious due to the blood loss. His hands around your face trying to make you look at him, trying to ground you. He was panicking, where were you hurt? Was he going to loose you anyway and he had spent the last weeks loosing his time with you?

You cried. “Our baby, I lost our baby.” You said between sobs.

It hit him like a punch on his stomach. You said your baby, a baby from both of you, a baby he didn’t know existed, a baby that… his abused mind played with him again. A baby that could be possibly gone because of him. “Stay with me, love. I’m taking care of you.” Who were you? Just you? You and the baby? Was there any chance this was a weird bleeding but the baby would still be ok? He didn’t know. He knew nothing about it.

He didn’t think twice, he took you in his arms and started running. “HERSHEL!” He yelled the doctor’s name again and again, until he found him and had you in the infirmary.

Before getting to the infirmary you had passed out, maybe it was the shock or it could also be the blood loss, you’d never know.

Hershel examined you. Daryl stayed all the time by your side, making questions to the doctor. Teary eyes while he explained everything. You were indeed pregnant, and yes, you had lost the baby. Daryl’s hopes were shattered at pieces, he cried. He the big rough man that didn’t like to show his emotions cried, it was Hershel. He was a friend. He was family after all.

After making sure nothing had stayed in your uterus, the old man had a talk with the younger one. Hershel made sure Daryl knew it wasn’t his fault, at this point he already knew the archer well and knew he was guilting himself for it. He ensured it was something that could happen at this early stage, you were at the maximum 2 months pregnant according to the tissue your body expelled from you. That small tissue was what would be your baby. The feeding poor in nutrients could have harmed your body, it was pretty much a disorder in your uterus so that happened. There was no one to blame, besides the end of the world.

Some time had passed when you woke up, you were as much as clean as they could got you and you had warm feeling on your right hand. You looked to your side and you saw Daryl worried and guilty eyes.

“It’s not your fault.” You said. You remembered everything.

“Maybe.” He said, even if Hershel had already reassured him. “But it doesn’t make it less worse. I could have lived it with ya for the little time we had.”

“I was the one that didn’t tell you.” You turned to your side and extended your left arm till you were touching his face. “I’m sorry.”

“I AM sorry.” He said giving emphasis to that. “I… I dun know what I was thinking.”

“I know.” You knew he was lost at that moment, but it didn’t hurt you less when he pushed you away and both of you needed each other. “Merle wasn’t your fault. The baby neither.”

At the mention of Merle’s name and the baby, your voice quivered and the tears threatened to leave your eyes, and they did. They fell from your eyes and you couldn’t do anything about it. “I ain’t pushing ya away anymore. I… I was so afraid of losing ya too.” Tears also slipped on his face.

“Merle was happy, he knew he was going to be an uncle.” You remembered the conversation you had with him the day before he sacrificed himself. “He noticed it and asked me about it. I was going to tell you when the governor shit was over.”

You also felt guilty about Merle’s death. You knew sometimes he didn’t take some smart decisions, but did he tried to face it all alone because he also wanted to be a better person to his nephew or niece? He had told you he would protect all of you.

You sobbed. You both cried together, now your arms thrown around his neck and your face hiding in it. You both had lost too much already, you couldn’t afford losing anything else. You couldn’t lose each other.

Wanna be added to my tag list? Let me know. (Please tell me if you want to be tagged on everything or just specific series) Everything Taglist: @lilyevanstan1325 @hayley1998 @shadowcitrine @vaniniweenie @cupidelocke

[tealvenetianmask]

More about Blitz and anger . . .

Anger is a super stigmatized emotion. That's for a reason- it's powerful. When we see it from other people it's usually externalized- it's ugly, aggressive, shows up in abusive situations- it sometimes leads to violence. But when we talk about righteous anger, or the anger of marginalized people, we sometimes praise it. That's because anger can be empowering too.

I want to talk about how Blitz's anger, while it's also destructive at times, has empowered him.

Personal note: when I was a kid, I was yelled at frequently by my mother. The house I grew up in was a 60's rancher with a long hallway in the center, and she would chase me down the hallway yelling. As I grew older, I learned to yell back. Feeling anger and externalizing it didn't make the hurt go away, and it didn't solve our problems- it turned us into two people yelling at each other- but it did make me feel less helpless.

So let's look at Blitz as a kid. In addition to guilt tripping him, his father tells him that "there are scarier things," than stealing from a wealthy and (literally) powerful family, and he doesn't disagree. I think this screenshot captures their relationship pretty well.

We see moments of defiance from Blitz though, even as he's very much under Cash's control. Georgia Dow pointed this out in her video about how Blitz learned resilience in his childhood. Here, have some defiant expressions:

Notice Blitz's eyebrows here, mirroring his father. I suspect that as he grew older, Blitz learned to push back harder, to argue, maybe even to yell. He learned to channel his anger- at being used, diminished, devalued (very likely yelled at and probably physically hurt too) into expression, into fight (I don't picture him physically fighting Cash, but the guy has fight in him- of all kinds).

He learned to feel angry at the world and express that too- for treating imps as lower than other demons, for limiting his options in life, for filling the road to success with exploitation (as we see in the Mammon flashbacks with Fizz).

Speaking of that flashback, he's very ready, as a teenager, to express anger exactly when he needs to for the purpose of protecting a loved one.

Fast forward to the present.

Blitz's anger helps him stand up for the people he cares about- see Fizz in the present at Mammon's show but also Moxxie in Spring Broken.

It helps make him good at his job too. When we see him fight, he doesn't tend to seem all out enraged, but he's super determined and all in. He's at home in a conflict. When he's doing his best fighting, we see a mix of the "angry" facial expressions and pure confidence.

Anger also helps him manage a lot of difficult emotions. Disclaimer (and idea I'll get back to soon)- I said manage, not deal with.

When he interacts with Verosika and with Robo Fizz early in season 1, there's genuine underlying pain from how the relationships with Verosika and the real Fizz ended, but he channels that into anger. The anger makes him take action (Good action? Eh. But still action- he's not crying on his couch.) rather than get consumed by more painful emotions. He's able to keep going.

It also gets in his way, even as he uses it as a coping mechanism. Is his anger at Muffy and the Karen in the doctor's office understandable as he's dealing with his frustration about the inaccessibility of healthcare for Loona and his worries about losing Stolas? Yes. Is it helpful? No, probably not.

It isn't useful with Stolas either. Stolas is this person who's kind and beautiful and quirky and able to match his wit, and who Blitz has grown genuine feelings for, but who is also deeply entwined in the unfairness in Hell's society that Blitz has grown to resent throughout his life- AND Stolas unknowingly participates in some very familiar microaggressions himself.

Blitz channels a whole range of complicated emotions- love, fear, despair at the thought that he isn't loved back- all into anger because he HAS been wronged and his world IS unfair, and anger is COMFORTABLE because anger is ACTIVE, and with it he doesn't have to just let things happen to him!

So we end up back here.

[cloudcountry]

I need Jamil with a male crush who is kinda impossible to embarrass with teasing.

Like if Jamil teases him, he'll respond by:

A. Bluntly responding in a literal manner (ex: "Aw, it's almost as if you love me" "of course, to me you're the most sublime creature in Twisted Wonderland")

B. A witty/teasing reply

C. He'll go very pink but he won't hide it and has the biggest smile on his face

Basically, the reader makes no effort to hide how much he absolutely adores Jamil. How does Jamil go about flirting and asking him out properly?

SUMMARY: male!reader takes great pleasure in watching jamil squirm (lovingly <3)

COMMENTS: so many jamil requests woooow hes so popular!! isnt his birthday coming up. am i crazy.

Jamil doesn’t understand how one boy can send him into hysterics. Well, not exactly hysterics, as he seems put together to everyone else. Rest assured, on the inside, you have him confused and calculating his next move.

He doesn’t know what your next course of action will be or if you have an ulterior motive or not. You’re clearly not trying to reach Kalim, he notices how quickly you ditch Kalim for him every time you see him around.

He ignores how satisfied that makes him. He is not reveling in your attention even a little bit. Maybe it would be reassuring if you had some angle that you were working, but he’s sure you don’t because you’re just not that kind of guy. He’d be able to tell if you were someone like him.

He still remembers the first time you pulled something on him, smiling so kindly and giving him praise after he’d made a meal for Scarabia. You’d offered to help too, but he’d shut you down immediately out of instinct.

Throughout the night you kept finding ways to talk to him, playing various board games with him and cracking jokes to make him laugh. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, not for you, but then you said he looked so nice when he smiled.

It was unexpected. Such a simple compliment and such a lovestruck gaze were all it took to have him freezing in place, unsure of how to proceed. He finally manages to get out that your smile is lovely too (a compliment for a compliment.)

You don’t take the compliment and leave it alone, no. You start raving about how pretty his hair is, and how his eyes are the most gorgeous color, and how it’s lovely how he’s so competent and wow he’s so smart...

“Careful,” Jamil warns, “If you keep flattering people like that they’ll start to think you’re after something.”

“I’m only after one thing.” you lean closer, a stupid grin on your face and for a second Jamil takes you seriously, “Your heart.”

Ever since that day, it’s been like a competition between the two of you. Jamil makes a smug remark and you hit back twice as hard. Sometimes you’ll laugh to yourself and he can tell you’re flustered from your body language alone.

His flirting can come off as a bit awkward or even frustrated if you can read him well enough, but that’s only because he’s trying to get a leg up on you and you’re not giving him anything to stand on.

Like, come on. Do you have to be such a genuine, good-hearted guy that you just say what you mean? There’s no game for Jamil to even play?

Eventually it all comes to a head one day when Jamil pulls you aside, more exasperated than he’s ever been. He isn’t aiming to confess, but the way he talks about all of your interactions and how frustrated he is about not being able to pin down your character makes it obvious.

So obvious, of course, that you start smiling and giving him that lovestruck look again! He’ll get even more agitated, demanding that you spit out whatever you’re trying to do and just get this over with because he is at his wit’s end—

“I just love you.” you say. And that’s all you say.

Ultimately, I don’t think Jamil would confess first. I think he’d be way too far into his own head because of your way of approaching him to even think of it. Jamil is playing mind games and you’re just openly adoring him!

TAGLIST -> jamil's jewels . . . @vivigoesinsane @identity-theft-101 @dove-da-birb

[fairyhaos]

How To Fucking Write: a guide by fairyhaos

this post details:

ENEMIES TO LOVERS

hi gays and gals! "how to fucking write" is back after a longgg hiatus ^^ this time we're discussing enemies to lovers which is, i think, a universally loved trope! please do send an ask if you have any requests for what i should write advice for next, and do reblog this post if it was helpful for you :)

# - HOW TO WRITE ENEMIES TO LOVERS.

.. bullet point one : choose your e2l

the most important thing when starting is figuring out what type of enemies to lovers you’re writing about. this is mostly semantics: lots of writers/ advice givers will tell you that there’s only one real enemies to lovers (when they’re literally enemies) but personally, i believe that “enemies” can be used as an umbrella term for loads of different relationships.

figure out what kind of “enemies” your characters are. this is by no means an extensive list, but enemies to lovers can include:

literal fighting enemies

(academic) rivals

2 people who snipe at each other a lot

betrayed(????) by one another

…and many other types.

figuring out in which way they’re enemies helps write out their dynamic, and also setting. 

for example, you’ll often see type #1 used in historical, fantasy, battle or mafia settings, where there will be two “sides”, either due to family feuds, country/ kingdom feuds, etc., so their dynamic often feels more serious and more emotionally charged due to history and/or ancestral beliefs that they’ve grown up with.

it’s often seen as the “truest” form of enemies to lovers, because the characters interact with the intention to genuinely hurt each other. this will therefore affect the way you write them, since it has to seem like there is genuine, mutual animosity between them.

example : [court of lies on ao3] — taegyu, enemies to lovers

(holy fuck this is such a bad example but) as you can see, enemies to lovers works well within historical settings, since themes of betrayal, bloodshed and battles lends itself nicely to the trope.

knowledge of how to write fight scenes can be quite useful (fightwrite.net helped a lot with writing mine), along with making sure that dialogue uses action tags that showcase the characters’ emotions. 

type #2, on the other hand, most likely takes place in universities, high schools, and sometimes in offices, where academics are important and it’s less about trying to hurt one another, and more about being royally pissed off by the other person’s presence.

there are certain nuances to how the characters interact depending on what kind of enemies to lovers situation they’re in, which is why it’s important to figure that out first.

.. bullet point two : figure out the why .

next, try to find out the why. why are they enemies? 

it is imperative that you explain their situation to the readers and make them understand why the characters are enemies, and most importantly, why they can’t get together right now. enemies to lovers often goes hand-in-hand with slow burns for exactly this reason.

are they enemies due to clashing beliefs? a certain incident that happened between them, or to someone they know? maybe it’s just repressed feelings?

for every type of enemies to lovers, and for their subsequent settings, there’s often a set list of reasons that most writers use to explain why they’re enemies. 

historical settings often have some sort of feud taking place, or a betrayal. academic rivals focus on, well, academics, but social factors of popularity are often used. and “enemies” who snipe at each other often have very superficial reasons that they dislike one another, such as a bad first meeting or a misguided impression of personality.

the reason doesn’t particularly have to be something as dark and deep as convoluted morals or someone killed someone else’s father. they still need to overcome their enemy relationship and become lovers, after all.

but having a reason helps your readers feel more comfortable that the story will go somewhere and that there truly is an obstacle that’s preventing your characters from getting together at the very beginning. and if that reason is an interesting one, then… well, all the better, i suppose.

.. bullet point three : the friends part

for a good enemies to lovers that has your readers truly invested in the story, the lovers potential has to be there too, even when they’re enemies.

the characters also have to have respect for each other, above all else. if the situation becomes dire, they need to be able to understand one another’s views and work together, or at least recognise that they share some ideas and have moments where they get along.

this will a) make the transition from enemies into lovers more natural and b) create the tension that makes e2l so popular.

the best ways to show these moments are by having scenes where the characters have no choice but to work together, and in that time, begrudgingly admit that the other person isn’t as bad as they first thought.

it could be a group project, them fighting for the same cause for once (against a corrupt/ unfair policy), having to get along briefly due to mutual friends, or any situation where they have to act amicably for once and, most importantly, learn a little about one another in the process.

okay, but yena, how can i write those scenes? what can i do to create that tension?

describe certain actions, mannerisms, and the way that they speak to each other that showcase acceptance and positive emotions. this can come in the form of:

lingering eye contact

them agreeing on something

smiles!!!! 

a pleasantly surprised inner monologue 

dialogue being more lighthearted

A doing something for B without being asked

(this is extra hard mode but) creating an inside joke

…and whilst it is a little shallow, an acknowledgement of the other person’s attractiveness always works really well, too.

example : [my other e2l taegyu fic on ao3]

as a rivals to lovers fic, their dynamic already started off more playful than in the other example i showed, but you can see that their conversation is more teasing, as they become more comfortable with talking to each other normally.

the term “enemies to lovers” always felt a little weird to me, because it’s important to remember that it’s often more like “enemies to friends to lovers”, because the characters need to develop a liking of one another first before they can think of themselves in a romantic relationship.

.. bullet point four : the oh moment

why do they become lovers in the end? 

what is the tipping point? what makes a character realise that they’ve fallen for someone they once believed to be their mortal enemy? do their feelings hit them all at once, or is it a slow build up? and what are they going to do about it?

enemies to lovers lends itself very nicely to the feelings-hit-me-like-a-truck trope and the iconic oh moment. writing the inner monologue is a good way to showcase the exact momene the penny drops. for example, i have a loose “formula” that i like to use when writing oh moments (whether they’re in e2l fics or not):

[dialogue/ action of B as A watches them]

[inner monologue of A showcasing fondness for that action]

[inner monologue of A recognising how their feelings changed over time]

[action from B that solidifies overwhelming fondness and has A surprised by their feelings]

[the oh / oh no moment as the penny drops and A realises what this means]

this is by no means the only way to write out a “feelings realisation” scene, but it works very well, because the inner monologue can use varying sentence structures and a bunch of metaphors and figurative language to build anticipation.

example [venus and sun on ao3] — seoksoo, friends to lovers

this extract essentially follows the outline i described, and seokmin’s acknowledgement of joshua as sweet refers to how he had previously known little about him, merely referring to him as “nice” before their relationship gradually built up to that moment.

for a really effective oh moment, the characters need to have a chance to reflect on how their relationship has developed. they need to be able to notice their growth and draw their own conclusion from there.

.. bullet point five : be careful . 

finally, some precautions.

with enemies to lovers, the whole attraction is the tension between the characters, the original animosity that is actually hiding their repressed feelings. but they still have to fall in love at the end, despite what they put each other through.

do not make them do something that they can’t take back.

this is quite important with enemies that physically fight each other. giving near-fatal injuries, or paralysing or physically disabling them (again, fightwrite.net is useful in giving info in this) is definitely not good lover-material. 

unless the injuries were given when the character was (maybe magically) influenced by someone else, or your characters are traumatised enough to be able to accept each other despite everything, then it’s a good idea to stay away from severe injuries that they inflict on the other and focus more on tense dialogue and opposing beliefs.

however, it’s still equally as important to be careful with emotional hurt that characters cause one another too. don’t make a betrayal too unforgivable. 

as a writer, you have to be empathetic: think from your character’s point of view. constantly ask yourself if character A will be able to forgive character B if they do something. ask if they can still fall in love with character B if they hurt them in some way.

if they can’t, then you know you’ve gone too far, and you need to dial it back.

and as a somewhat obvious but still just as important sidenote: e2l based on stockholm syndrome (captor x captive situations) or bullying to lovers is never okay. the power imbalance along with the trauma that can be developed from that means that it is not a healthy, viable, good relationship in the slightest.

never have your characters do something that you’d feel uncomfortable being the receiving end of. they’re meant to be lovers, remember? even when they’re not there yet, the characters should still treat each other with respect.

…unless, of course, you’re looking to write a somewhat toxic/ unhealthy relationship. in which case, by all means.

... and that's it ! if anyone has anything else to askt hen just shoot me ask, because i'd love to help however i can :)

taglist (send ask to be added!): @mesanthropi @stqrrgirle @weird-bookworm @blue-jisungs @eternalgyu @yumilovesloona @lvlystars @luvjoshuahong @kikohao @maesvtr0 @cxffecoupx @bleepbloopbeee

[harrysgal]

I DIG YOUR CINEMA (2)

harry styles x yn aspiring filmmaker — social media AU

I know I’m just starting and don’t actually have much experience with this, but I’m actually having a lot of fun doing it and already can’t wait to post more.

About the smau: yn starts posting videos on youtube and is trying to build a career as a filmmaker. Things are going pretty well for her and she starts getting more attention when she creates content about shows she goes to. She’s also a fan of Harry’s music and some of his fans start getting suspicious when his team starts interacting with her.

Disclaimer: The story it’s set in 2021 and it will follow their relationship through the LOT leg in the US. Since this is nothing but fiction, I will be following some of the real timeline but also adding my own stuff. On top of that, I won’t be basing myself on Harry’s actual posts.

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PART 1 — MEET YN / MASTERLIST

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I DIG YOUR CINEMA (PART 2) — LAS VEGAS

liked by bestfriend, yourmom, mollyjane_x and 22,108 others 

yourinstagram HELLOOOOOOO FABULOUS LAS VEGAS NEVADA 

view all 3,045 comments

user1 soooo… a new full time job that took you to las vegas? 👀 yourbrother Please behave  bestfriend don’t get (too) drunk without me pls harryfan STOP FIRST LOT SHOW IT’S IN VEGAS 

↳ harryfan2 She’s going to the show right???? I mean it can’t be just a coincidence anymore IT JUST CAN’T ↳ harryfan NO I KNOW THIS IS IT I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES

Aug 26, 2021 •

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liked by bestfriend, cuteguy, mollyjane_x and 22,451 others 

yourinstagram you’d think a lady in vegas would be out there getting wild but this one actually has been locked in her hotel room for the last 27 hours overthinking her ideas and freaking out about this new job lol if any of you could send me a pizza or something id appreciate it. thanks. 

view all 3,111 comments

user1 nooooo you’re so talented whatever it is i know you can do it!! bestfriend yn ✋🏻  cuteguy Should I give you a call? 😊 harryfan17 I would too be freaking out if I had to work for THE harry styles lol

↳ harryfan16 we still don’t know if she is tho  ↳ harryfan17 C’mon she’s in vegas and molly and jeff are following her ↳ harryfan16 still 🤷🏻‍♀️ tour doesn’t start for another few days so this could be just about something else  ↳ harryfan16 also maybe she’s there because she wants to be and not bc she’s “working” for him. she’s done videos about several artists and she isn’t working for any of them is she?  ↳ harryfan17 Well yes but she literally just said she was starting a new job so 🤷‍♀️ ↳ harryfan16 so everyone just assumed HARRY, out of all people, hired her? c’mon guys lol she could be working for just anyone and STILL go to a show. one doesn’t have to be related to the other.

Aug 28, 2021 •

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liked by anthonypham, bestfriend, lookitsnyoh and 25,103 others 

yourinstagram fun fact: if you post something on the internet people around you might see it 🫠

guess im lucky this lovely group who still don’t know me at all cared enough to drag me out of my room and show me around the city. sometimes i get so caught up inside my mind that i forget how important human connection is — which is funny if you think most of my videos are exactly about that lol. so plssssss make sure to surround yourself with (nice) people. also get some sleep, drink water and feed yourself. it’ll do wonderful things for you!!!

anyway my mom was worried about my “not leaving the room post” so this is just me saying everythings good!! (i also already called her of course <3)

view all 3,557 comments

bestfriend LOVE YOU harryfan the new followers the new likes 😭 it’s happening i knew it  user1 so true bestie!! this reminded me of your 2nd video i think

↳ yourinstagram omg yesssss!!  ↳ user1 ahh i missed your interactions <3  ↳ yourinstagram i knowww! promise i’ll try my best to keep interacting even if it’s not as much as before 💗

lookitsnyoh my belly still hurts from all the laughing 

↳ yourinstagram and my mind is still rushing from all the talking ↳ anthonypham go to sleep you two 

harryfan9 I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT OMFG I’M SO HERE FOR IT

Aug 29, 2021 •

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liked by anthonypham, mollyjane_x, bestfriend and 27,257 others 

yourinstagram sightseeing left me speechless. but here’s a picture from tonight. 

view all 4,107 comments

user1 omg you’re feeding us this week! i’m so happy you’re being active again <3 harryfan78 POST A PICTURE OF YOURSELF I WANT TO MEET YOU AT THE SHOW BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE 

↳ user4 calm down pls? we like to behave as respectful human beings on this profile

bestfriend ❤️❤️❤️ bestfriend i’m losing my mind but i’m also so excited and proud! user7 I miss your videos :( lookitsnyoh when was this? where was I? bummed that I missed it!

↳ yourinstagram sorryyy just a last minute decision after dinner :( ↳ lookitsnyoh ohhhh makes sense now! Glad it left you speechless ↳ yourinstagram i mean the city is beautiful  ↳ lookitsnyoh sure thing it is 👽

Sep 1, 2021 •

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liked by harryfan, harryfan2 and 15,157 others 

fanwhometharry GUYS I JUST MET HARRY I’M SHAKKNG I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE NOW 

view all 2,107 comments

harryfan64 omg where did you meet him??

↳ fanwhometharry AT THE BELLAGIO  ↳ harryfan64 is he staying there???  ↳ fanwhometharry NO!! I MEAN IDK?? I DONT RHINK SO I JUST MET HIM OUTSIDE AT THE FOUNTAINS  ↳ harryfan74 hmm not tryin to be rude or something but that sounds like a weird place for him to be tbh ↳ fanwhometharry I FUCKKNG KNOW THAT?? I MEAN MY PARENTS WANTED TO SEE THE WATER SHOW SO I TAGGED ALONG BUT NEVER EVER THOUGHT ID BUMP INTO HIM THERE

harryfan62 you’re so lucky!! was he alone???

↳ imetharry I DONT KNOW?? I DONT REMEMBER I WAS SO NERVOUS  ↳ imetharry I KNOW THERE WAS A GIRL NEARBY BC SHE HANDED HIM A PEN WHEN I COULDNT FIND MINE BUT I DONT KNOW IF SHE WAS WITH HJIM OR NOT ↳ harryfan62 who was this girl? Anyone from the LOT crew? ↳ imetharry IDK I JUST SAID I DONT EVEN KNOW IF SHE WAS WITH HIM OR NOT 😭

harryfan15 Hi hun! Don’t listen to people, they're just jealous. It was really sweet of him to sign that for you! Hope you have a great time at the show 💕

↳ imetharry THANK YOU 😭😭 HE WAS THERE JUST WATCHING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON SO I DIDN’T WANT TO TAKE A PIC IF PEOPLE DON’T BELIEVE ME THEN I DON’T CARE I KNOW IT’S REAL 😭😭

Sep 1, 2021 •

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liked by gemmastyles, anthonypham, jefezoff and 35,109 others 

yourinstagram having to keep this secret from the world was the most cruelest thing that anyone has ever done to me. but whatever… it’s fine… i’m okay… i’m just gonna pretend this wasn’t a big deal and i didn’t just watch one of my favorite artists perform my favorite songs… and then i’ll just casually say: pls stay tuned for next wednesday when my new video will be up 😇

(i’ll be back and share more details once my serotonin levels have normalized again)

view all 7,125 comments

bestfriend i love you so much thank you for representing us so well  harryfan I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT OMFG I CANT WAIT I KNEW IT harryfan2 YN KASDHUHHD PLS OMFG YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THIS AND LEAVE user1 😲 i can’t wait for this one! harrystyles soz 

↳ harryfan OMFG HARRY ↳ harryfan5 ?????????????????????????? ↳ harryfan3 AUIDHIAUSHDBAJH WTF ↳ harryfan9 ARE YOU F KIDDING ME WHATS HE DOING HERE

cuteguy Nice! Glad you’re having a good time darling. 

Sep 4, 2021 •

— — — — — 

PART 3: DENVER

— — — — — 

If you happen to read and enjoy this, pls let me know? 🙏 thanks!! it would be nice to know if this is working, or what else would people would like to see.

[arc-misadventures]

So, for your consideration for the VTuber line. VTubers tend to have their specific circles, their regular collab groups. In every group, there is always one in particular who just can't help but suffer from scuff almost every stream, and there is always the one who fills the role of group tech support. I feel like Jaune would absolutely be the tech support for his circle. If that's the case, then who'd be your scuff queen/king. Someone we've already met? Or somebody who has yet to be introduced? Maybe I'm wrong, and Jaune is the scuff king. I'm curious to see what you'd do with this thought.

The VTuber: Circles Within Circles

Among the vast, VTubing community there tending to be many circles of, VTubers that tended to exclusively interact with one another, be this because of similar interests, or from hailing from the same academy, or in some occasions being a part of the same family. There was always a circles one could find someone being apart of.

Such as the quartet that was, CookieMonster, SushiandShibari, DraGunShow, and IHateMyDad2.0. While Cookie, and DraGun were half-sisters, the four of them all hailed from, Beacon Academy, both the agency, and fictional academy, and were once part of the same Huntress team back in the day.

This was just one of many examples of circles being formed, and made by the various, VTubers. However, there was always the outliers of this trend. Then again, he was always the outliner of any particular group.

But, what would one expect from the lone wolf of the VTubing community: ErrantyPaladain.

If the circles among the VTuber community were to be made into a Venn diagram, Errant would be smack dab right in the middle of all of them. Just like when he played, 'The World of Remnant: Hunter's, and Monsters.' A Huntsmen of no, Academy nor a single nation. The vagabond of Hunters' as he was sometimes referred to as.

ErrantPaladin would, as he often still does, would join any VTuber for the occasional collab if asked to, regardless of which VTuber, or agency asked him to. But, in the end just as always, he stood alone.

Some may see this as a weakness that. ErrantryPaladin possessed. But, many would see this as a benifit for one to gain his unique perspective that others often overlooked, or never saw.

The Genshin Impact update was one such example:

~~~

SushiandShibari: I don't understand why they couldn't just add more diverse characters to this latest update!

DraGunShow: What are you talking about; The latest update added some pretty interesting roaster of characters, what's wrong with the new characters they added?

SushiandShibari: They didn't add any diverse characters! Look at them, that's basically a tan! Why not add some black characters to the game? It should have more diversity in it!

DraGunShow: I wouldn't mind seeing some more diverse characters to the game. I mean, they all look pretty similar to one another.

SushiandShibari: Exactly! This is what many of the, English voice actors have been saying! There should be more diverse characters, then it just being a bunch of white people!

DraGunShow: Okay...? Look, Sushi, I'm not really sure about what should be done about this, and I don't really think I'm an expert on... any of this. Why don't we ask someone else, and get their opinion on this?

SushiandShibari: Fine. But, who are you going to ask?

DraGunShow: Let's see who's on...

DraGunShow: Hmmm...

DraGunShow: Ahh! Errant's online! Let's ask him!

SushiandShibari: Do you seriously want his opinion, or do you just want to talk to him?

DraGunShow: Don't you?

SushiandShibari: ...

SushiandShibari: Call him.

DraGunShow: I've already done it~!

...

...

...

ErrantryPaladin: Hello, DraGun. May I be of some sort of service?

DraGunShow: Hi, Errant! Is this a bad time?

ErrantryPaladin: No, I was just playing a few rounds of, Sins of a Solar Empire 2. But, I can pause it.

DraGunShow: Oh good! Sushi, and I have been having this debate, and well... I don't know much about it. So we were wondering if you could add your two cents to it.

ErrantyPaladin: Possibly. What is this debate about?

SushiandShibari: We're debating about how the latest update to. Genshin Impact isn't diverse enough, and that they should be more inclusive, and add more characters of more diverse back grounds. A lot of the, English voice actors are in agreement that, Genshin should add more diverse characters, and how the game should be more inclusive!

ErrantryPaladin: Ahh, that pointless argument.

SushiandShibari: P-Pointless?

DraGunShow: What do you mean by that?

ErrantryPaladin: What I mean is the, Genshin Impact is a, Chinese game made by a, Chinese company. They do not give a damn about inclusivity. And, the complaints people are making about that will only fall upon deaf, and uncaring ears.

SushiandShibari: What? What do you mean, surly they care what their player base thinks?

ErrantyPaladin: Not really, no. Listen, this isn't a western game company where a dozen people on, X can complain about something, and cause the game studio to change everything about it just because their encouraged to do to some higher ups being detached from reality, and being swayed by cheap coin.

ErrantryPaladin: This is a Chinese company, they are going to do things their way, and their way only.

SushiandShibari: But, they already have so many white characters, why can't...?!

ErrantryPaladin: Whoa whoa whoa! Did you say, 'white?' Sushi. they're, Chinese. Everyone in the game is based off of, Chinese characteristics. There is nothing 'white' about any of them.

DraGunShow: What are you talking about, a lot of their character designs look... white?

ErrantryPaladin: Pale would be the correct term you're looking for. Okay... Look, look up, 'Chinese movie stars,' and you'll get a wide array of skin tones, and facial features. Of which you will find that many of the, Genshin characters, both male, and female adopt. And, for the record, slim, pale skinned with angular jaws seem to be their standard of beauty. At least I believe that to be... seems evident.

DraGunShow: Whoa... there is a lot of skin tones here, Sushi.

SushiandShibari: Okay... I conceive the point to you... But, couldn't they still add more diverse characters to the game?

ErrantryPaladin: By 'diverse' you no doubt mean that white savior complex argument of adding black people to every, and any game. Of which they won't do, regardless of how much people whine at them to.

SushiandShibari: Why not?

ErrantryPaladin: Nor denying that one, eh? Okay, the reason why they will never add any 'diverse' characters is for one simple reason: The, Chinese are really, really, racist.

SushiandShibari: Eh?

DraGunShow: What?

SushiandShibari: They're racist, what do you mean by that?

ErrantryPaladin: I mean exactly what I said; The Chinese are really racist. Well, most people in, Asia are really racist actually. But, the, Chinese are no exception to this rule. They are racist towards, Americans, towards the, Europeans, towards the, Africans. They are particularly racist towards the, Japanese, that's a whole can of worms right there as to why. But, they are even racist to themselves!

ErrantryPaladin: So that's why I consider it a pointless argument. You're trying to force, Western ideals on a nation, that is actively fighting against them on a global scale. It doesn't matter what you do, nor say, they will not give a damn about any of it.

SushiandShibari: Oh... I see...

ErrantryPaladin: Now, I'm not saying for certain that I'm a hundred percent accurate. There are no doubt gapes in my memory, or I misinterpreted things. But, I am sure, that no matter how much anyone complains about inclusivity to the creators of, Genshin Impact, they will not give a damn. Honestly, I would advise the voice actors who are making these complaints to shut up; They are after all... replaceable.

ErrantryPaladin: Now, does that answer your question, or is there something else you'd like to ask?

DraGunShow: No.. I think that answer it... Sushi?

SushiandShibari: I... I need to do some research... Thanks Errant.

ErrantryPaladin: My pleasure! Now excuse me, I have some heathens to cleanse.

DraGunShow: ...

SushiandShibari: ...

DraGunShow: So...?

SushiandShibari: Shut up.

DraGunShow: Okay.

~~~

Sometimes people found his opinion, and thoughts to be rather controversial, and counter to most peoples beliefs, and often caused a mild controversy. But, ErrantryPaladin, stuck to his convictions, and paid them no mind.

He was asked to express his opinions and he did just so. If people got upset by them, then so be it.

Other times, people went to, ErrantryPaladin for simpler things. His opinions on games, sports and the likes. He was often asked by a fellow, Vtuber who hailed from the, Beacon VTuber Agency name, MochaFashionista for his advice on woman's fashion. Something many found to be quite odd that Vtubings fashionista would ask someone else, much less a guy for his opinions on woman's fashion.

That was until he gave his reviews, and opinions on woman's fashion with her, and everyone came to the same conclusion: 'This guy knows what he's talking about.'

When asked why, and how he knew so much about woman's fashion he simply replied: 'I have a lot of sisters.' And innocent, and simple answers that once again lead to speculation among his fans as to how many sisters did he really have, and if that was the sole reason he knew so much about woman's fashion.

But, being a fashion commentator was an occasional activity he almost exclusively did with, MochaFashionista. What he often did with other VTuber's was something he began to regret having to do. Less so with him being the only one capable of helping with other, and no one else was seemingly capable of fixing their problems themselves. And, more so how they managed to develop such problems.

What were those problems, ErrantryPaladin was so capable of helping others fix you ask? Simple really:

Tech support.

~~~

Fall4Me: Shitshithsitshitshit!

Panic coursed through, Fall4Me's voice as she looked at the bugged out screen before her. She was about to do a co-op game with several of her fellow streamers. But, her screen had begun to glitch out before she even started. She had to fix this before...

ErrantryPaladin: Hey, Ember, ready to play?

Fall4Me: Hey, Errant~! Yeah, I'm totally ready to play, just give me a moment!

ErrantryPaladin: ...

ErrantryPaladin: Haaa...

ErrantryPaladin: What is it this time?

Fall4Me: ...

Fall4Me: My screen is bugged out...

ErrantryPaladin: God dammit...

~~~

DraGunShow: Okay, I'm ready to play!

ErrantryPaladin: Are you sure, because it says you're not live?

DraGunShow: What? I'm totally online! It says so right here.

ErrantryPaladin: On which account does it say that?

DraGunShow: On my other account...

ErrantryPaladin: Other account? Wait, does that mean you bought two copies of the same game?

DraGunShow: Yes...?

ErrantryPaladin: Why are you saying that like it's a question?!

DraGunShow: I don't know?!

~~~

Another usual stream from, Fall$Me, one where she'd be joined by her precious, Wolf as they played another game together.

That's if her mic was on.

Fall4Me: ...

ErrantryPaladin: Ember?

Fall4Me: ...

ErrantryPaladin: Ember you're muted.

Errant had decided to change his stream to her to see what was up, and based upon how her model was moving, he could tell she was live, however.

He saw the panic look that filled, Fall4me's face as she struggled to turn her mic on, but based on how she seemingly developed this panic complexion.

ErrantryPaladin: Is your mike on?

She shook her head as she look at him in confusion.

ErrantryPaladin: Then turn it own.

She proceeded to do so, or at least, Errant assumed she was based upon her body movements. But, since nothing was heard from her end, and how she started to panic again, Errant could only shake his head in disappointment at her.

ErrantryPaladin: Did you at least plug your mic in?

He saw her model move to the side, and then appear stiff, no doubt a sign that she was going to check her mic. She soon came back, and and her model moved in front of the camera, her body adopting a bashful, and embarrassed posture.

ErrantryPaladin: It wasn't plugged in, was it?

Fall4Me: No...

ErrantryPaladin: How the hell did that happen?!

Fall4Me: I don't know!

~~~

The amount of times, Errant had to provide tech support to his fellow, VTubers had forced him to adopt a tech support persona, that eventually lead him to getting a new, VTuber model for people to understand what he was doing, and more importantly:

To shame those that needed his help.

~~~

Fall4Me: Errant?

ErrantryPaladin: Yes?

Fall4Me: Can help me?

ErrantryPaladin: Haaa... one moment.

ErrantryPaladin: What do you require of me, a humble servant of the, Machine-Spirit this time?

ErrantryPaladin's model became that of a, Warhammer 40000, Tech-Priest. He liked using this model because it helped him better understand, and focus on helping other, VTubers with their technical problems. And, generally make fun of those that needed his assistance. Again.

Fall4Me: Nooooo! Not, the Tech-Priest! I'm not having any problems with my computer! You don't need to put that mask on!

ErrantryPaladin: Your record prompts that this form should be the natural form taken upon this devotee of the Machine God when one addresses the, Scuff Queen.

Fall4Me: I'm not a scuff queen! This has nothing to deal with my computer!

ErrantryPaladin: Records prove otherwise. Now, what seems to be the problem; Did you forget to light the sacred incense?

Fall4Me: No! And, I'm not falling for that again!

ErrantryPaladin: Have you beseeched the, Machine-Spirit?

Fall4Me: Does calling it a hunk of junk count?

ErrantryPaladin: What! You dare insult the, Machine-Spirit in such a crewel manner! You have offended the, Machine-Spirit! Light the sacred incense at once to appease it!

Fall4Me: I'm not doing that again! It didn't work that time anyway! It has nothing to do with my computer!

ErrantryPaladin: Then what seems to be the problem that requires me?

Fall4Me: Is 0/bs a bad thing, or...?

ErrantryPaladin: ...

ErrantryPaladin: Omnissiah preserve me...

~~~

ErrantyPaladin's, VTuber career has been marked with a cloister of things. His interactions with his fellow, VTubers; The good, the bad, the weird, and the confusing. The mild controversies he had seen, and been a part of. The fights that broke out between, and withing the various agencies.

Errant had seen it all with in his own little eye of the storm upon a Venn diagram that was the, VTuber community. He occasionally ventured out to experience the thrills, and parrels of the storm, but at the end of the day, he would return to the center where he chose to stay. Called out only to join his fellow streamers for some fun.

And, copious amounts of tech support.

[oneeyedoctogod]

Gods this fandom sometimes, I swear. I'm sorry I read two deeply bad takes back to back, and I have to rant. I'm sure others have said it better than I, but really. Come on. I actually have to wonder if people who talk about the extras actually read them because...

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji didn't leave the cultivation world in canon. They elope, and then they come back. The fact they're not involved in the bigger politics is... pretty much to be expected, but they very much do participate in the day to day lives of the Lan sect. They go where the chaos is to night hunt, they teach, Lan Wangji comforts his brother in his seclusion, and Wei Wuxian meets some new Lan disciples.

As for the cottage fantasy... Again, I honestly have to wonder if the people talking about it actually read the extra it's in? Because it's just that. A fantasy. A dream. It's basically a representation of Wei Wuxian's wants for a domestic life, something he definitely has now! He's always been characterised as someone who wants to help others and who loves cultivation. Why would you think the dream is to be taken literally?

And the idea that Wei Wuxian has 'several important relationships just floating there', that he's not dealing with... Where? Which ones? He teaches the juniors and grows closer to Jin Ling. He doesn't exactly interact with Lan Xichen, but he asks after him. He meets Mianmian again and wishes her well. He asks after Wen Ning after Lan Sizhui comes back then has some father-son bonding moments with him!

Nie Huaisang and Wei Wucian aren't close. They were friendly once, but they didn't ever meet after the lectures. I don't see how that qualifies as an "important" relationship, especially with Nie Huaisang never openly admitting to his part in Wei Wuxian's resurrection. But even then, Wei wuxian says he'll be keeping a close eye on him, so one can imagine they meet again at some point.

As for Jiang Cheng... what more do you want Wei Wuxian to do exactly? Even if you want a reconciliation, why can't Jiang Cjeng be he one to actually grow up and do the work for once? He's the one who never apologized. He's the one who is still openly hostile in the extras. If Wei Wuxian wants to move on and not interact with him, he's well within his right to do that, given how Jiang Cheng treated him. Hell, he's more generous than most since he encourages Jin Ling to talk to Jiang Cheng. If I'd been treated by someone like Jiang Cheng treated Wei Wuxian and saw him hit our nephew several times, I certainly wouldn't encourage them to meet. (But that's Wei Wuxian for you, the moral ideal and better than all of us.)

Anyway, I really don't understand why people insist on making Wangxian have a sadder ending than the one they actually did. It's a HEA for them, sorry guys. And yeah, maybe Wei wuxian has some trauma to work on... but the whole point of the character is that he doesn't let his trauma define him. That he wants to forgives, forgets and moves on.

(Also, just because he doesn't have a breakdown or the cultivation equivalent of therapy in the extra doesn't mean he's not working on them? He finally is at peace, with a solid support network. Maybe he does talk about his past hurts with Lan Wangji - Lan Wangji certai ly knows when to comfort him when he needs it. But the narrative point of the extras is to show they're moving on from the past! And you know what, sometimes the beat thing to do to heal is to do just that. They're living their best lives, deal with it.)

And finally... shit did you really read the whole book and come to the conclusion Wei Wuxian should have 'learned to accept help'? Who the fuck offered help? Who did he refuse?

(Don't say Lan Wangji. 1) I love him, but "Come back to Gusu" is very much not an obvious offer to help, and when Wei Wuxian understandably misunderstands him, he never manages to correct it.

And 2) once Wei Wuxian tells him explicitly he's not leaving the Wen remnants behind, Lan Wangji understands and backs off. He approves! I'm sure he'd do more if he could, but just like Jiang Yanli, he can't!)

Jiang Cheng literally said, 'No one will help you, no one is on your side' (and then made sure that was true by saying Wei Wuxian was the enemy of the cultivation world). Jin Zixuan chose to ask the one who was ambushed to disarm rather than the 300 cultivators attacking him and lunged at him when Wei Wuxian refused to comply (because he'd be killed if he did!!). How is that help?

Who else tried to help? Whose help did Wei Wuxian reject?

Wei Wuxian was presented with a series of bad choices and took the best he could, the ones aligned with his principles, accepting he'd have to face consequences at some point but also knowing it was still worth it. He's not the one who failed or made a fatal mistake or betrayed his word.

Rant over. Sorry about that.

[five-and-dimes]

Off Book

Sometimes shit gets stuck in my head and I just gotta get it out. Dreamling, human au, soft smut, read on AO3.

~~~~

There is a script.

There is always a script, for everything and anything, even if Dream doesn’t always know what that script is. Sometimes he gets the words mixed up, or he gets the words right but the cadence wrong, and he’s left floundering until someone decides to cut him out of the dialog completely. 

Which. Hurts. But he gets it.

There is a script for this too.

Hob moving on top of him, hands on his hips to pull Dream back onto his cock with each thrust while Dream’s fingers curl around his shoulders. The bedframe is making little thuds against the wall, and Hob’s breath is hot as he pants next to Dream’s ear. Dream is biting his lip, because sometimes silence is more acceptable than the wrong line, and he feels the way his breath hisses through his teeth on a particularly strong thrust. Despite his best efforts, a needy, desperate whine escapes his throat. 

“What do you need, sweetheart?” Hob rasps, keeping his rhythm as he speaks, pulling back just slightly to glance at Dream’s face.

There is a right answer to his question.

Dream knows what he’s supposed to say. He knows it from porn, from oversharing friends, from partners who tried to spoon feed him his lines- You like it like this, right? I know this is what you want, I know this is what you need- until all he had to do was nod along. He knows what he’s supposed to say, he knows what’s expected, he knows the script here.

“Softer.”

He chokes the word out, and he thinks if Hob hadn’t had their faces pressed together it might have gone unheard, he might have had a second chance to get it right, to say what he knows he was supposed to- harder, faster, more- instead of pathetically pleading for the wrong thing. There are tears welling in his eyes and his breath catches in his throat as he feels Hob still. Maybe this isn’t the end. Maybe he will just have to endure rolled eyes and pointed questions designed to let him know exactly how ridiculous he was being, perhaps a few sharp comments about how weird and stupid he was. He would endure it all, gladly, to not be pushed away.

“Of course, love.”

Dream gasps, eyes snapping open when he hadn’t even been aware of clenching them closed in the first place. A tear escapes as he blinks in surprise, looking up at Hob’s gentle gaze. A flash of sadness crosses his face, followed by shining compassion as he leans down to kiss the corner of Dream’s eye, “Anything you want, sweetheart. That’s why I asked.”

People don’t ask because they want an answer. They ask to move the script forward, to follow the tracks laid down in front of them, to get to the ending plotted out in their heads already. For his whole life Dream has been taught that every interaction has one right answer and countless wrong ones. His answer had been wrong.

But Hob just smiles as he shifts them gently till they are laying on their sides, facing each other. He has one hand wrapped around Dream’s waist to hold the small of his back while the other tugs at his thigh, tangling their legs together and then petting up and down his side in long, soft strokes. 

“Like this?”

The next thrust is slow, and deep. Dream can hear himself sigh, wrapping his arms around Hob to pull him impossibly closer, burying his face against Hob’s neck just in case he fails to blink back his tears appropriately. It feels so good, and Hob is holding him so gently and fucking him softly, just like he asked, as if it was actually possible to get what he wants even when he wants the wrong thing. And he still feels certain he will do something to make it all go away.

He opens his mouth to… he’s not really sure what. To apologize, maybe. But all that comes out is a sharp gasp, and he hears Hob moan, a sound he has become so familiar with and fond of over their time together, the sound of Hob feeling good.

“God, you’re perfect,” he mumbled, a hazy note to his voice that he only got when he was truly losing himself to pleasure and Dream lets out a choked sob on the next thrust as he realizes that somehow he hasn’t messed anything up, Hob isn’t just being nice or indulging him to hold it against him later, Hob is enjoying himself just as much as Dream is.

And crying isn’t in the script either, but when Hob shifts to kiss him deeply, he doesn’t pull away at the taste of salt on his lips. He threads his fingers through Dream’s hair as they kiss, moving together languidly, no rush, no urgency. By the time they both come, Dream’s tears have dried, and Hob still hasn’t let him go.

As they clean up- still quiet, still slow- there is a part of Dream that wonders if this is just a new script for him to learn and eventually get wrong. As they curl up in bed together- still gentle, still soft- a larger part wonders if maybe, with Hob, there isn’t a script at all.

[highdramas]

a house in nebraska | j.m.

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

warnings: language, canon typical sadness, canon typical violence, age gap but it’s not really mentioned, sweet sweet yearning, sexual situations but not explicit (yet hehe)

word count: 4704

summary: by joel’s side, you make your way to the midwest, and find yourself inching closer to a house in nebraska you once called home. you and joel have always been okay keeping your pasts to yourselves, focusing on the now. but a roadtrip stirs up feelings, ones that even you cannot deny any longer.

notes: if you are under 18 do not interact with my work or this fic. this is part of the creature comforts series but can be read on its own! house in nebraska in particular is a two part story. this is set 12 years after the outbreak began. joel is 48 and reader is 31.

you still thought about that house.

in most ways, it was rather unassuming. it wasn’t rundown, nor was it like the house that nancy mcnamara had on the other side of town. you remember that first time you had gone to nancy’s house for a birthday party. it was strange to imagine that people lived that way.

no, your house was simple, if not slightly dated. your parents never got around to modernizing it, and you didn’t want them to. it was beautiful in it’s dated nature. it was your home. more than a house. it was a home.

it’s days like today when you think about that house. sometimes you wonder if it’s still standing. oh, what you wouldn’t give to walk up those steps, to run your hand along the railing of the porch. it was a luxury to have these fantasies. that you knew more than anything.

you run your plate over the lukewarm water and you feel joel’s eyes on your back. sometimes, you wonder if he can read your mind. you wonder if maybe he’s harboring this secret power from you that allows him to know your deepest secrets, the history that you hold near and dear to your heart. you don’t know why it is. why it is you don’t tell him. it would be easy to lay all of it down at his feet, to come apart and know that he wasn’t going to judge you or hurt you for it. feelings are a weakness. longing is a weakness. but joel was never going to stab that soft underbelly. you were confident in that.

but you keep it bottled up anyway. you keep him placated with your smiles and the murmurs that everything’s okay, just tired and you know that he sees right through you but you both know that he’s not going to push it. that’s one thing, of many, that you love about joel. he doesn’t push. and in return, neither do you. not hard, anyway.

you dry your hands off and you settle on the couch beside him. you can tell that there’s something on his mind– his eyes don’t give anything away, and maybe he thinks that you’re the mind reader out of the two of them. “talk to me,” you say with that smile of yours that you pull out of the closet only for him, wear it like it’s your finest gown.

he sighs and leans forward, muscled arms against strong knees. he doesn’t meet your gaze. you wish that he would. “i don’t want to tell you because i know exactly what you’re going to say.”

“well, then at least you won’t be hit with any surprises.”

joel looks at you and you already have a wry smile on your face, and he has to fight the urge to match it. “you’re such a shit, you know that?” his humor dies off and he goes back to examining his hands. “gotta head out west.”

you straighten at that. “oh.” confusion riddles you– what is he not saying? “well, where?”

the looks says everything and you’re opening your mouth but he cuts you off before you can get a word out. “no. no. you’re not comin’.”

“if you’re going to nebraska,” you say, your voice perfectly level. “you’re going to have to chain me to the bed in order to get me to stay put.” you rise from your spot and walk towards your bedroom, rustling around to find your backpack. you don’t even know when he’s leaving and you’re preparing yourself.

he knows next to nothing about where you come from. what your story is. it’s not all that special, all things considered– for someone to be alive means that they have had to endure unthinkable hardship to get to that point. but he knows two things: you’re from nebraska, and you never knew what happened to your family.

“joel,” you say, folding a t shirt and laying it flat in your bag. “i’m coming.” when you look at him, there’s something in your eyes that he doesn’t recognize. a whole different you. “you don’t know the things i did to get to boston. so don’t fight me on this. i won’t be a nuisance.”

“i didn’t think you would be,” he steps closer. “i just don’t want you getting your hopes up. that’s all.”

you swallow and you look at him. there’s no fight on his face– you think he probably gave up this fight the second he decided he was going to tell you. after all, he could’ve up and left with a note and nothing more. hell, he didn’t even owe you a note. you weren’t anything. you were friends. you shared something. but beyond that, there was no reason for him to tell you shit. “joel,” you whisper and you step closer to him and you watch the way his throat bobs, the way his lip twitches. “you of all people know that my hope’s gonna have to be pried from my cold, dead hands.”

“i know,” he says quietly. you turn back to your backpack and then he’s behind you and his hands are on your shoulders. things have never been said so explicitly– what you are and what you aren’t, where the lines are drawn. all you know is sometimes he does this; he touches you and it lights you up with a warmth from the inside out. sometimes, you lie in bed beside one another and your foot draws up his calf and his hand smoothes over your waist and tugs you closer to him. sometimes he gives you his ration cards despite your protests. you will wake and he’s long gone but they rest on the dining table. the dining table where his belongings, meager as they are, mingle with yours.

joel cares. joel cares and he knows you more than anyone else could ever fathom it.

you show your care in different ways. once, on an abandoned vehicle in the qz, you found a texas sticker. you had taken dutiful care in the way you peeled it off. you found an old book and ripped a page from the back and laid the sticker down onto it. when you presented it to joel on september 26th, you could see the emotions pass over his face. sorrow and longing and then something else. a sidelong look at you, one that was mostly curious.

“it’s okay to miss it,” you had said then. “that life.”

you’d seen his reactions when others had made mere references of his life before. they were shut down. they were stopped, right then and there. and while you didn’t like to poke the bear… you wanted him to know. wanted to bestow this one thing. there was nothing else to say in that moment, all there was was you and joel and his arm slowly wrapping around your shoulders and tugging you in closer. there was his lips against your temple and your fist gripping his flannel shirt. and that was all you needed.

but in this moment with him just behind you, hands beginning to rub into your shoulders, you feel it. that deep chasm of need deep within you, the one that you’ve been ignoring. your hand goes and covers his and you wrap his arm around your chest, kissing the skin of his forearm. strong, steady joel. protective joel. while you’ve laid awake and wondered what it is he felt for you, you never had to question if he would protect you. if he would save you when it all boiled down to it. you squeeze his arm and he squeezes you back, a heavy, reassuring weight. “just let me have some hope, joel.”

and he would.

–

you stop at bill and frank’s to do some trading. you’d heard the stories of their compound, but had never experienced it yourself, and there was a twinge in your heart. what was stopping you? what stopped you from moving in next door, earning your keep, being of service in some way? what stopped you and joel from settling? sitting around the table, music playing and eating a meal that was more than jerky and dried fruits, it was hard to remember your reasoning. why you two played by the rulebook that you did.

you’re admiring the house when frank found you. he gives you a smile and gets in the wine cabinet, pulling another fresh bottle. “astounding, isn’t it?”

turning to him, you remember that he was so warm. warm in a different way than joel. not better or worse. just different. “it’s amazing,” you admit. “almost hard to believe that there was a time where we all lived like this. took it for granted.”

he steps into the spot beside you, following your gaze. “i’m lucky. bill and i– we’re lucky.” he looks at you for a long time. you could feel the imprint of his gaze on your cheek. “how long have you been with joel?”

smiling to yourself, you say, “three years.” you pause, examining a painting on the wall. “feels like it’s been forever. he’s aging me. stealing my youth.” it’s a joke, and you give a crooked grin. “no, he’s… he’s made everything easier. much easier.”

frank hums at that. “i don’t want to pry,” he begins slowly, giving you a sidelong look. “but are you…”

feeling your cheeks grow warm, all you can do is shrug. “i’m not sure,” you admit. “but i don’t need to be sure. he’s my best friend.”

he nods his head, as if this answer makes more sense than anything else that you could’ve said. “well, for what it’s worth–” you both look out the window of the house where joel and bill stand, practically mirroring one another. hands on their hips. staring out at the fence. “bill’s my best friend, too.”

frank touches your shoulder and you smile at him. for some reason, his words are reassuring.

–

you end up staying the night. there’s a guest bedroom with an adjoining bathroom and frank says you’re welcome to anything you need while bill scowls. you shower before joel does– and, to be honest, he doesn’t give you an option in that regard. he puts his hands on your shoulders and he walks you into the bathroom, pushing the fluffy towel into your chest with a smile. “you stink,” he says and he does something that’s almost a wink that makes your heart sing.

so you do. you shower and you lather yourself in all of the fine soaps that frank had prepared for you. you think that joel must’ve told him about your dry skin– lotions of every scent line the counters, and you lather yourself in them post-shower. when you come out smelling like lavender and vanilla, joel’s head shoots up from his book. he stares at you for a long, long time. you shiver under his gaze, shifting in the clothes that frank had given you.

for a moment, you feel like you’re playing house.

joel clears his throat and he stands up, approaching you. his big hand goes to the side of your face and his thumb runs over your cheekbone, drags down to your lip. when you shiver this time, it’s much more noticeable, and you can see something flash behind joel’s eyes.

there are things that the two of you have done together. but never this. close– but never this. you’ve dreamed about what it might be like for his lips to brush yours, but you’ve never had the luxury to linger on it too long. you were both fighting, tooth and nail, for your own survival. the survival of each other, for tess, for tommy. a makeshift family if you’ve ever heard of one. but in this house, where the walls have art and the linens are clean, and you feel fresher and more clear headed than you ever have…

“go. shower.” you squeeze his wrist. “you stink.”

he scoffs out a laugh and shakes his head at you. but when he casts his gaze upon you again, when he nods his head and moves into the bathroom, you feel anticipation like you’ve never felt before.

joel takes less time in the shower than you did. but when he emerges, all wet hair and glistening skin, you have to physically stop yourself from standing. he doesn’t wear a shirt but sweatpants hang low on his hips, and every thought has to be written all over your face. he walks up to you slowly and your grip the duvet, but when he stands before you and nudges your legs apart to stand between them, your grip slackens, he takes your hands and he puts them up on his shoulders where you glide them across his tanned skin, lace them behind his neck.

“i’m going to say this once, because i don’t want to waste our time with it,” joel begins. “and i know– i know i’m not good with my words. i don’t know if i ever will be. and i know i’ve got walls up, i know i’m fucked up–” you open your mouth but he shakes his head. “let me finish. i know i’m fucked up. and i don’t know if i can give you everything that the man twelve years ago would’ve. but i am a selfish man, and i want what i can give to be enough. and i want to try and give you more.” he brushes a piece of your hair back. “if that’s what you want.”

“you’re more than i could ask for,” you reassure. your hands go to his face and your thumbs stroke against his cheeks. “so let’s stop wasting our time with talking about what we both know.”

joel pushes you down against the mattress and you pull yourself up the bed, towards the pillows, and he hovers above you. “can’t remember the last time i was in a bed this nice,” he murmurs, and he’s so handsome above you, you don’t know how you managed without it. you’ve slept side by side, limbs tangled, but this…

“me neither,” your needy hands reach out for him and then his brown eyes are level with yours, a hand splayed beside your head, holding himself up. “i don’t want to waste it. do you?”

the smile he wears would’ve belonged to the joel from before. mischievous, almost, a smile that reaches his eyes. “what ideas did you have?”

you open your mouth but then his lips are closing over your pulse point and it’s been so long, it’s been forever, it’s been a lifetime ago since you’ve had such true and real intimacy. you start to shake and you stammer to try and reply and he pulls away, shaking his head, running his hand through your hair. “i’m gonna take care of you,” he says seriously. “you gonna let me take care of you, nebraska?”

with a shaky laugh you nod your head, but that’s not enough for him. “words. give me your words.”

“yes,” you breathe. “please.”

and joel, your unsung hero, stays good to his word. he’s a passionate person, deep in there, so it shouldn’t have surprised you that he would be a good and passionate lover– but it did. it made you giddy, every touch, every drag of his tongue. but nothing was better than the first kiss.

joel makes sure to take care in tipping your face up to him. there were candlesticks lit around the quaint bedroom, illuminating you in a golden glow, and you’d never felt like an angel before– not even before this world had made you a killer. but under his eyes and in this room, you feel the closest you ever have. “so damn pretty,” he murmurs to himself, shaking his head. “you know that? how pretty you are?”

your foot runs up his leg. “don’t spend much time looking in mirrors anymore.”

“you’re fuckin’ gorgeous,” he answers for you. one hand goes to the side of your neck and his thumb brushes your pulse and it’s like every single thing in this broken world finally clicks into place with him. and that’s when he does it. that’s when he lowers himself and his lips find yours.

it’s slow. it’s like for the first time since 2003 he has allowed himself to enjoy. he savors you like he savored the meal that bill and frank served you that evening. he drinks you in like their delicious wine, the taste of you better than the heavy red had been on his tongue. a hand slips under your head and caresses, holds you, kisses you like there’s nothing else left to do.

your hands become explorative. across his chest, his stomach, down his spine. he shivers when you hit that sensitive spot just above his tailbone, and it makes you smile against his lips. “like that, huh?” he asks with a laugh. he falls down onto the bed beside you and he tugs you closer, his lips still attached to your jaw. “like knowin’ what you do to me?”

you’re helpless, nodding your head, mind foggy with pleasure. “oh, poor thing,” he coos with another cheeky grin, tapping your bottom lip with his thumb. “i’ll stop bein’ mean.”

“you’re evil,” you say but there’s no bark behind your bite, not when his lips start to move southward, down your chest, pushing up your shirt. your hips begin to raise involuntarily and everything is better than you could ever expect–

the door bursts open. “bill–” joel bellows, rearing back to look at him. you’re not even naked but joel is effortlessly protective, shielding you from his view. but you peek past his arm anyway, and what you see astounds you. bill’s scared. he’s trying to fight it, but you can smell fear like a bloodhound.

“raiders,” bill says and it’s the simplest thing he could’ve said, but it makes you move.

joel is on his feet and you’re tossing him a shirt and he’s tossing you your jacket, you’re moving around each other like you know the exact move the other will make next. and maybe you do. maybe you have memorized the way that he uses his body as a weapon and as a shield.

with guns drawn you help take down raiders. it’s not a fair fight, not with the set up that bill has built and not with you and joel by his side. joel has never had to see you fight. not really, anyway– he’s known of the knife that you keep on you at all times, but bill had tossed you a gun and you knew your way around it and while joel didn’t have time to watch, you could sense it. could feel his eyes lingering for just a moment too long, long enough to risk survival.

and then your gun lowers and your eyes lock and there’s something that passes there, between you.

you don’t know if love is the right way to describe what you feel towards joel. but if it is, then maybe you had just fallen a bit more in love with one another.

–

any mood that existed prior has been shot by the time that you get back into the guest room. with a long, heaving sigh, you start shucking your clothes off. there’s nothing wrong with them– no blood on them, no dirt, no grime, but the mere act of wearing them while you have killed someone makes your skin crawl.

joel exits the room but he returns with two new sets of clothes. he passes one set off to you before he starts changing himself, eyes heavy on one another.

and when you’re both in fresh clothes you inch towards one another and you collapse onto the bed together, and there’s nothing hesitant in the way that he pulls you to him, tugs your body close to his and wrap you up in his dutiful hold until you both drift off into a sleep, one not fueled by pills or booze, but by the safety of one another.

–

bill and frank send you with food (bill begrudgingly, frank happily) and a truck. your end stop is the omaha QZ, outside of which you’ll be meeting with a smuggler who joel has been in contact with since you knew him. but you were a long ways away from nebraska, and it would be many days on the road.

it’s two days in when you find the tape, rustling around through the truck. it was a forgotten thing beneath the passenger seat, and your entire face lights up when you see it. joel glances over at you with a furrowed brow and you lift jeff buckley’s grace. in tandem, you and joel say, “yes.”

mojo pin starts from the top and you find yourself gazing out the window. you prepare yourself for the northeastern beauty to turn into the plains of the midwest, reminding you of a life of before. 

you’re crossing into ohio when he asks, “you like this album?”

slowly, you nod your head. “it was all i would listen to,” you say, remembering who you were before. “maybe jeff buckley’s lucky. to have died before all of this started.”

joel stares at you for a long time. “do you really mean that?”

swallowing, you meet his gaze. do you mean it? “no,” you finally say softly. “there are things that i miss. people i miss. but i don’t think i’d be luckier dead.” you huff a laugh and look back out the window. “if i felt that way, it would be a bit silly to live the way i do.”

“and how do you mean?”

“we fight to live,” you say easily. “we fight to survive. we’re not people who want to give up, even if we pretend we are. being alive is having some hope, contrary to what you may believe.”

“never said i didn’t have hope,” joel begins, his voice all gruff.

“joel, please.” you look over at him and you smirk. “i know you. you may fool other people, but you’re not gonna fool me.”

the two of you fall into an easy silence at that point. there’s nothing pointed about what you said to him, and he doesn’t have any fight in him. he doesn’t want to fight with you, he never does. and, besides– despite what he says, he knows that you’re right.

at some point you fall asleep. you wake up to joel’s hand in your hair, his voice slowly coaxing you awake. you wake with a start, snapping up and looking around. “sorry,” you mumble, the last bits of sleep still clinging onto you for dear life. “didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“s’alright,” he mumbles back to you. “would probably good to stop for the night. we can take turns keeping watch.” he smirks. “it’s your turn first.”

you roll your eyes but he turns the car off and reclines his seat and you can’t help but stare at him. how does anyone expect you to be diligent and alert when you get an opportunity to stare at him uninterrupted? when he opens one eye to look at you you lean back and smile at him, shaking your head. “don’t do that,” you murmur, reaching your hand out and touching his hair, somehow soft still despite everything. “get some sleep.”

joel hums. “keep doin’ that,” he says while your hand is working through his hair. “feels good.”

you’re not going to deny joel what feels good. not for one moment.

–

the days pass faster than you were expecting them to. it’s just you and joel and the open road. occasionally you roll down the window and you stick your head out and let the wind rustle your hair, let jeff buckley fill your ears with his beautiful melodies and you pretend like you and joel are two normal people on a normal road trip together. the one thing that you will never be, you pretend you are.

an ominous quiet grows over you when you pass over the nebraska border. when you see that sign.

joel senses it in you instantly. and for a man who says he’s cold, who says he’s fucked up, who says that he doesn’t know if he can be what you need– you don’t feel that when he lays his big hand on your thigh and squeezes. and he doesn’t make a hasty exit with it, either. no, it lingers there. it stays there until your hand goes and lays on top of his, and only then does his hand turn over and he grasps your fingers. laces them with his own, and his thumb draws across the back of your wrist.

when you look over at him, you don’t see a man who’s fucked up. you see a man who’s fighting an eternal, internal battle with himself, to love and let himself be loved. you’ve been there. hell, you’re there now, fighting your own similar battle. but perhaps your armor is weaker, because this touch has melted you down to the bone and made you forget why you wanted to fight in the first place.

the words beg to release from your mouth. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you so much i’m willing to risk the safety of not loving another soul.

“we’ll go wherever you need,” he speaks up. “and then we’ll go to omaha.”

with a curt nod of your head, you pull the map out of the glove compartment and you scour it. you see your teeny tiny hometown, and you circle it, passing it back to joel.

instantly, you recognize the way that he takes a turn, towards your home. towards your old life.

it’s in the stirred silence that you say, “they call seward the fourth of july city,” you smile a little bit at the memories. memories of fireworks and the smell of a grill and celebrating a patriotism and nationalism that you would resent every day after september 26th, 2003. “my friends and i used to joke about that city part. seward was barely a town, let alone a city.”

joel watches you intently. you wipe your nose with the back of your hand. “i lost my virginity on the fourth of july.” there’s something glassy behind your eyes. “one year before the outbreak. i was eighteen– all my friends joked that i was a late bloomer, but i didn’t care. my dad was a preacher and i always got teased because i was the cliche. the rebellious, preacher’s daughter. but that night…” your words drift and you suck in a big breath, watching as dusk overtakes the night ahead of you, casting joel in pretty purple hues. “he wasn’t a bad boy. he was kind. and he took care of me.”

“he was in my senior year english class. i was taking ap lit– didn’t even take the ap test. anyway– he had kind brown eyes, and it was his first time, too. we went into one of the cornfields in his truck after a big fire party. there were always the biggest parties on fourth of july, but i just wanted to be with him.” you pause and look out the windshield and his thumb is still a warm feeling over the pulse of your wrist. “we kept seeing each other that summer. but then i went to college and so did he and… well, the rest happened. i don’t know what happened to him. but i like to believe that he’s somewhere out there and when he starts getting nostalgic, he tells his…” you look at joel. “whoever his you is, and he smiles a little. i just hope that.”

he squeezes your wrist, once more, before he lets go to put both hands on the wheel. he pulls off and you recognize that he’s pulling into the parking lot of a boarded up church, and god if that isn’t hilariously ironic. “thank you,” he says after you’re parked, looking right into your eyes. “i hope that, too.”

hope. what a funny thing.

[fruttymoment]

Do you think only Rue is a robot or is Cedric secretly a robot too in that one theory?

When Niko asks the question, Cedric answers too!

Unsure if this is a theory at this point; but it is HEAVILY suggested that both Rue and Cedric are robots as well, just like Proto. Pretty sure it's also confirmed by Nightmargin herself, in somewhere! I just forgor

I do, however, have another theory. Based in this interaction :

Since the entire world is just a simulation, is EVERYONE there technically is a robot?

Are Proto, Cedric and Rue specifically robots because they are The Author's children?

It's hard to say a certain thing because first of all we have no idea what exactly makes a robot, well, 'robot', in the universe of OneShot.

A robot is an entity with computing power, specifically designed to do a certain task. We see nurse robots, rowbots, guardian robots etc. in the game. All of them surely are robots, but they have different missions and are built for different tasks.

However, just like other people, robots are NPCs. NPCs in OneShot are basically simulated people, and are not real. Well, they WERE real in the Old World. Now it's not really them but their digital version of themselves, built by complex coding from The Author that 'lives' inside of The World Machine's simulation.

Imagine the Earth we know today is about to be destroyed tomorrow. In horror, scientists somehow figure out how to turn you into a code to simulate yourself in a computer. Forever, perhaps. It's still you with your emotions, habits, thoughts and stuff! It's just that you are not real anymore, but just powered by electricity inside of a computer. You just dont know it.

This of course creates something.. rather interesting.

What is real? What isn't?

WELL WE HAVE NO IDEA BOUT THAT IRL. In the universe of OneShot though; anyone that is living in this simulated environment is an NPC. NPCs don't remember anything when you reset the game for Solstice run, because they are a part of the simulation. They ARE the simulation. And when you reset the game, so the simulation is formatted. No one remembers Niko and anything.

Niko is the messiah because they are a real person. They do not belong this simulation, they have their own world and life. They came to this simulated environment from somewhere else; they never belonged here and they were never a part of the Old World.

This is the difference between real people and NPCs in OneShot, basically. I hope??

Now, one has to ask. The Author has left the world in his 'own terms'. He is probably alive though. But, what about their children? Why are they.. seperated?

I don't think we have any official explanation. A thing I found is apparently Author, Cedric, Rue and Proto all lived in the Real World. So, they existed there. Pay attention to this because it will be... relevant.

Rue, Cedric and Proto are The Author's children. Altho, the wiki sometimes say 'creations' which I am very unsure. In any way, they lived together. They all do call him their "Father". It may not be the word 'father' we think, but maybe a creator too.

Now, this makes me wonder. The Author left, but why their children remains in the simulation? Maybe an accident happened?

Here is a very super weird fact.

Because technically they are bound to the simulation, all three siblings are considered as NPCs.

Wait um

Are they.. NPCs? If i remember correctly, Proto said that they themselves arent regular NPCs. He even knows what NPC is, and why they dont remember anything.

So...? Why three of them are special in this way? Maybe Author just made them so. Everyone else is from the Real World too, but the three siblings are somehow special in a matter.

So! The siblings are robots but arent just NPCs.

But. Then, what the fuck??

WERE THEY ALWAYS ROBOTS OR LIKE?? Why other people arent robots, but Cedric and Rue are?? They do NOT look like robots!

Did three of them fucking DIED irl and Author pulled a William Afton and made them robots??? WHAT

HOW DOES THAT WORK. SINCE THEY ARE CONSIDERED AS REAL AND NOT NPCS, THEY ARE NOT SIMULATED AT ALL. THEY JUST- THATS HOW THEY EXISTED IRL. HUH?? BUT-

Dont worry it gets worse :)

Remember just when i said Proto, Cedric and Rue arent NPCs but real people, riight?

Prepare to lose your shit because i am going to tell you somrthing.

"When Rue, Cedric, and Proto must be placed in the portal near the end of the Solstice run, Rue is the only one who doesn't have the "NPC" tag on her spritesheet."

- OneShot Wiki , a fact

Oh!

Rue

Rue, that fuckinf fox that i love completely destroys something we thought.

Rue :3

She fucking. Causes a HUGE problem.

According to the game files ITSELF, Rue is the ONLY ONE that does NOT have NPC tag.

This could mean two things. Lets see.

This is only a technical game thing. Rue does not have a NPC tag, because she is the only one that meets you before Solstice. She then remembers and knows you in Solstice. Proto and Cedric are not met before Solstice, thus they technically count as NPCs in not lore but technical game way. In short : Because Rue is the only one that remembers you afterwards, the devs themselves could removed the NPC tag to note themselves that Rue is different. Maybe thats how game code works too? Maybe if you give a NPC tag to a character, it means the character will be resetted after the save file gimmick is deleted. Rue not having an NPC tag could maaybe mean she is supposed to be not affected by a reset, and remembers, so has special interactions

Something malicious is brewing. Oh my fucking god

Tbh, both seem... weak? First of all I dont think the devs simply forgor the name tag for Rue. As a dev NAMING files and confirming everything, that doesnt seem normal. Maybe they really did forgot?? But it could easily be changed by an update or something afterwards?

Another thing is : its just a name in her spritesheets. A name of a spritesheet surely can change some stuff in game engine specifically, but um. I am very unsure.

Anyways. Lets see.

Screenshots from OneShot TWM Edition.

... well! She STILL has no NPC tag !!

THE DEVS KNOW.

THERE MUST BE A REASON. BUT WHICH ONE???

Is it somehow a technical thing???

Or. Something rather funny is going on.

Well um. We literally need direct answer from Nightmargin if its a lore thing; or perhaps GIR & Eliza if its a technical coding reason. Who knows??

I actually will ask this to Nightmargin in her Tumblr Q&A. Who knows, maybe she will answer!!!

If its a technical reason, then there isnt much stuff to discuss here. All three of them are possibly something else than just a simple NPC.

...if not, Rue is. Someone special perhaps. There may be a whole stuff we dont know about Rue and the siblings.

Rue always felt slightly different. Who knows.

Anyway TLDR ; Cedric is a robot too lol

[sysmedsaresexist]

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

This is Mod Quill, but this is on behalf of a mutual friend of mine and Mod Dude's. Someone we care about a lot, and someone I'm not even going to fucking name here, because I am so fucking done with my friend suffering. Besides. You're going to know who it is if you have a lick of syscourse knowledge. I just hope they know what this might bring. If you're reading this, hon -- maybe just... delete your blogs and get out of syscourse. Make something new for yourself. Trust me, I've done that plenty of times.

Anyways.

@sophieinwonderland

Let's have a chat. Okay? I mean this completely, 1000 percent genuinely. I want to talk to you. WE want to talk to you. And we want to understand what the hell is going on with you.

Context: A friend of ours is in the hospital. This friend is in the hospital... likely because of you. Well, somewhat -- I'm not here to convince you that you, personally, are at fault for someone else's actions. You did not personally give them whatever implement of choice they used to nearly off themselves. But you have got to see that what you're doing -- what you've done for a very, very long time, causes people a lot of harm. And you have acknowledged it. Repeatedly.

You know that you do. You know you're hurting people. And you've shown constantly on your blog that you're okay with that.

This isn't the first time someone has been hospitalized after you took grievance with their tumblr blog. This is the second time someone has notably been hospitalized after interactions with you, and far from the last time someone's harmed themselves over you. I should know -- I'm a user who tried so desperately not to self harm, but you are the person who brought me to that point, many moons ago in a fit of hell and despair.

Don't worry, I'm all good -- it was barely anything. But it still stings emotionally, to this day.

The user in question who's currently hospitalized is not, and has not been stable, for a very long time. They're someone I hold dear, but I think we can all admit that people with DID sometimes struggle greatly with making really dumb choices. They've made a lot. This isn't the first time they've been in the hospital.

But Dude made a promise to them when it seemed like things were going to hell this time around, something to try and encourage things to go the right way.

Your named was tossed out too. Because of course it was. Like it or not, Sophie, you are 100% the biggest syscourser on Tumblr. You post the most and have the most followers. You are syscourse. And Dude's promise was to take syscourse down.

... But I don't think anyone in this situation really understands what that means.

Sophie, you are a person. Not a blog. Not a stance. Not a slogan, or a preacher, or whatever conspiracy you're trying to lean into next to explain away the angry actions you've shown more and more lately, to somehow explain why it's okay to say the things you've been saying, even when it sometimes, just maybe, seems like... you just don't want to.

As people may know, a (from my perspective, horrifically written, incredibly inaccurate, and only harmful) callout post for Sophie was recently posted to syscourse. What people don't know is that I, Mod Quill, was approached to help write it. Mod Dude was involved in the callout post as well, though to what extent I don't know.

I flat out refused to work on it. And that's because I knew exactly what would happen. I knew my friend would be hurt, or maybe even hospitalized over this. I knew that syscourse -- that Sophie -- would drive someone over the edge again. I knew that the document -- filled with inaccuracies and vaguities and nothingburgers to the max -- would be easy for Sophie to pick apart, easy to dismantle, and it would all start with debunking so much of the very real pain and suffering my friend has gone through.

And yeah.

I was right. Go figure. Maybe I should've done more, my brain inevitably says, I need to help everyone, I should've fought harder to prevent this... Dumbass brain.

Sigh.

Dude edit/addition: I knew the doc was coming, and while I won't say that I was supportive of it going out (I made the owner sit on it for several weeks), I made no effort to stop it. Having made my own callouts on sophie (and Quill, you have, too), I understood the need, and the positives and negatives. I knew Sophie could handle it. I was approached to read and check it, as my posts had been used in it. I even offered to help add to it, though... I ended up being completely unable to. I still can't actually remember anything in the doc. I'm doubting if I actually read it because it seems I retained nothing from it. This likely stems from the fact that I have been in contact with Sophie for several weeks now, getting to know her. I'm so incredibly conflicted on this topic that I chose to stay out of it publicly from start to finish, without comment or publicity. For the first time since I started my blog, I'm not feuding with anyone, I'm having such amazing conversations with people, I feel like I'm making more of a difference than ever before. Certain people have left me alone as I stayed under the drama radar.

I'm so tired of being angry...

My thoughts on the doc and sophie are complicated. I'm sorry to anyone that was hurt through my uncertainty. Instead of helping with the doc, we talked about life, experiences, medicalization, and I was... so happy. I don't think that I really thought beyond... "I wish I had spoken to some of these people sooner."

It's important to note that I don't blame the doc or author for any of this.

Syscourse, as a whole, does not address any sort of recovery, or help, or even just acknowledgement of the issues we are facing, as human beings, as systems, as people on this earth. It is just slinging words at each other with varying degrees of value. And I'll be the first to admit that I have relished that battleground. I have loved the feeling that I might be able to throw the right words or the right punches and get someone to either change, or deactivate. I've also wrestled with those feelings, tried to explain them away, mirroring what I see on Sophie's blog constantly.

But as more and more time goes on and I grow up and I see the damage that's done to me and my friends, I have grown to absolutely despise this place. I try my best to spread what joy I can. I also know it's really not enough.

Sophie, I have sent you, if I had to hazard a guess, at least 10 anons this past year, all of them variations on themes. Either positivity, begging you to take a break, or explaining to you in excruciating detail how I know you are hurting people, and why that hurts so badly. And... each and every single one of those have been met with dismissal. With that godforsaken shrug emoji that convinced me for years that you just... did not care, at all, about other people.

And this isn't just you. I know I'm coming at you, but that's because you are the biggest source of Syscourse Grief(tm) for this particular friend. But lord knows people get enemies here, that's just par for the course. So, this goes for everyone.

Learn to fucking care about each other, for fucks sakes.

God, this really is a ramble. I thank everyone who's bearing with me.

For syscourse in general: Stop. Just... stop. For those who are considering it, just stop for a bit, and witness. Watch. See what happens. Because the ones who are obstinate -- primarily the overly aggressive anti-endos and pro-endos -- will fling their vitriol at each other. It will just get worse and worse, and you can witness syscourse eat itself alive.

For my friend in the hospital: I've already given you some advice, but genuinely, I really, really hope you take care of yourself. I pray that, when you get back, you maybe set syscourse aside. At most, discord is there, and that seems to at least be tamer. But you are young. You have so much future ahead, and coming from someone who is (unfortunately seen as) an older system, I can promise you that it gets beter.

For Dude: GO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. You are recently retraumatized, recently through a severe surgery, and you are out here promising shit like "I'll burn syscourse to the ground for you"??? Play a fun game and pay attention to your fucking partners, take a fucking break and take care of yourself. Syscourse will wait for you. People will come and people will go, and it doesn't fucking matter. Your life is what matters and I'm so fucking scared watching you obsess over this one, small aspect of it. I'm so relieved you went to that fun pokemon blog. You aren't alone, you are so loved, and don't let this toxic ass place make you forget that.

And Sophie.

I'm going to give Dude a link to send to you. You don't have to take it if you don't want to. You don't even need to acknowledge this if you don't want to. But I'm swinging the door open and offering the olive branch. I know you don't use Discord much, but for gods sake, it's better than Tumblr DMs, and we both know how Tumblr is a mess.

I really hope you'll take me up on it.

And for everyone else.

Wait till you see what happens next.

Edit from Mod Quill: Well, what's next is evidently a need for clarification and yet another callout post. Hello, callout-post author. Thank you for your clarifications. Notably, I attempted to keep your URL out of this, for those who didn't know.

Anyways, for the fullest disclosure and context: I was approached by Mod Dude, who asked if I wanted to participate in "Sophie Drama, Anonymously." I agreed, though I'll admit I was hesitant due to my particular issues with that user. I was then added to a group chat involving an enormous callout post. Notably, it should be mentioned, callout posts are a major trigger of ours that we are still working on overcoming.

I clicked the document and saw it was a mess of grammar mistakes, poor formatting, and impossible for me to read without trembling. But given that I already have an intense distaste for the user who posted it, I wasn't about to tell them more personal details about myself, and I did not want to communicate with them any further due to my own fear of the instability of all those involved. I told them I disliked the callout post due to harassment that it would cause, that I feel Sophie is a person, and that they had better have contacted the user who was hurt -- who is once again revealed in the callout, unfortunately.

I tried to laugh it off and move on, and take care of my mental health. That's what I was lamenting above; the fact that I didn't say more. I felt bad that I didn't allow myself to damage my mental health further to craft a callout post -- something I have tried desperately to avoid since the one I made the mistake of writing years ago about the very user you wrote this callout post about -- and something I get roped into constantly.

I privately read the rest of the document after it had been posted in full, as I still have access to it and it is a publicly posted document. It was filled with things that I found to be either nothing important in particular (things that have already been discussed numerous times) or things that would just be inflammatory (i.e. the OAS sections). I talked with a friend on Discord about the document, to which we both agreed it was bad.

To the OP of the document: I didn't say any of this at the time because, as I said, I felt uneasy and could not be in that group chat. I explicitly said I would not be touching "it" (the group chat). I was taking care of my mental health.

I refused to work on it because, based on my past experiences and triggers, which I do not owe you and still alluded to anyways in my conversations with you, I knew it would end poorly. I tried my best to sway you in the moment, but I was not able to do so because of my own mental health.

So, yes, to clarify: My grievances with the document were not made known to the one who posted it, whom I never mentioned in the original post. I do not condemn the poster of the document. I was simply making my feelings about callout posts known. What is above is not a condemnation of the callout writer, nor a comment on them at all. I genuinely did not want the point of this post to be lost due to callout-post drama.

So let me reiterate the important part of all of this.

This post was about the state of syscourse and how people do not approach syscourse in a good way. It is constantly slinging hate at people, which is never justified.

Learn to fucking care about each other, for fucks sakes.

---

Mod dude, here...

I want to add something to this, but I don't know what. I mean, Quill said it all, quite well.

Hurt people... Hurt other people.

I've made the attempt, over the last year or so, to actually talk to some of the bigger names in syscourse, the ones usually active in the tags, endos and antis alike.

It reinforced that... we're all just fucking people, trying to get by.

Antis, have you even tried to empathize with the community you attack so quickly and cruelly? Imagine if people said those things to you or about CDD systems. Have you, personally, witnessed the things you claim are happening? Because I've been here a lot longer, and it seems you're making shit up. Consider that you should stop parroting everything you hear and stick to what you're actually seeing with your own eyes.

Endos, please don't forget that these are severely traumatized individuals that have probably never even been to therapy yet. If you're not yet, maybe you should get into therapy-- it doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong, but everyone could use someone to talk to, and seeing what it's like could be really beneficial to understanding the other side and getting an unbiased view of your own behavior and beliefs.

These are real fucking people that are ending up in the hospital.

Quill, the rest of my mods, and I are real fucking people behind these screens.

Sophie is a real person. They just got a new dish washer that they saw on Circ's blog, I missed it, but she linked it to me, and now I'm looking at it. She's going to let me know how it works.

And you know what? This little countertop dishwasher feels a hell of a lot more real and important than anything in syscourse.

As Quill mentioned, I just went through a major surgery. I'm learning that...

I'll probably never be able to walk properly again. My life is forever changed, and I'm really struggling.

My cat just... passed. Feel free to go like that post, it would mean a lot to me.

None of you know that. The people who leaked my main and smeared my wonderful name don't know that.

Sophie didn't know that the last time we fought each other.

My friend didn't know that when I promised him I would bring syscourse down.

Maybe bringing it down isn't the answer.

Maybe just reminding you all that we're all people behind the screen is enough.

Fucking TALK to each other.

Make an attempt to learn and understand.

Talk about things that actually matter.

Grow the FUCK up.

Reblog to share a hug, because that's more worthwhile.

And most importantly.

Please keep our friend in mind while they're in the hospital.

Syscourse community, endos and antis, this is one of our own. A person you've likely interacted with before, that you've seen around.

We exist in this small bubble, all together. Whether we like it or not.

[antianakin]

You’ve talked a little about ships before but mainly in the context of how that is connected with the/a specific Jedi. And also a bit about ships you don’t like

But in Star Wars as a whole what’s your favourite ship, which one do you think is the best, and which one do you think is the most compelling?

(I know that the answer to all three could be the same but for me personally there’s often little overlap in these things so ymmv)

Also which ship do you think has the most potential?

I'll assume that canon and fanon are both options here.

"My Favorite" is the easiest to answer, so I'll start there. I've made an entire fic rec list for it and made no secret of the fact that I really like Codywan. Star Wars wasn't a fandom I really did any shipping in when I first was introduced to it as a kid. It wasn't until I decided to get back into Star Wars a little as an adult that I was even introduced to the IDEA of Codywan as a ship, but once I discovered it, it had me absolutely hooked. I will admit that I have a hard time with reading Codywan fics these days and interacting with other Codywan shippers because I often end up feeling like my interpretation of the characters is very different than the norm and what I want from the relationship - the thing that makes it compelling to me - isn't the same as most other people who enjoy the ship. But it was my first Star Wars ship and I still really enjoy the version of Codywan that exists in my head, so it will continue to claim the title of favorite.

For "Most Compelling" and "The Best" I'm actually going to exclusively define those as being IN CANON because anything in fanon can be compelling depending on how well someone writes it. I could obviously put Codywan down for both of these categories, but it would specifically be MY version of Codywan, the version that only really exists in my own head, and not necessarily the more popular version of them in the fandom.

I'm going to give "The Best" and "Most Compelling" to Jyn and Cassian from Rogue One. I will readily admit that, as someone who identifies as aroace, the fact that Jyn and Cassian never do or say anything explicitly romantic to each other is a major part of the reason I like them. I also personally believe it's the reason they're so compelling. Without being able to use any of the usual narrative shortcuts that romance tends to provide, Jyn and Cassian's dynamic relies on actually showing the two of them connecting with each other on a deeper level. I love how so much of their relationship with each other exists only in their eyes, in the way that they look at each other (whether the other person is looking back or not). I love the way their relationship comes through in-between the lines rather than stated out loud. I love the subtlety that exists for Jyn and Cassian in a way it doesn't for pretty much any other more "canon" ship.

I have also said before (though I'm not entirely certain I did it on this blog or not) that I really like angst, usually in the form of hurt/comfort but a good tragedy sometimes just hits the spot. Jyn and Cassian living in a "maybe," existing in a perpetual "what could have been," is so fucking sweet to me. That shit hurts JUST RIGHT. I love the idea that these two people meant everything to each other but only in the last few days before they died and they never even got to explore what exactly that could be. Their love is shown in how they impacted each other, the ways their relationship changed each other, because that's all they ever had time for. I fucking love that shit. The ambiguity of Jyn and Cassian's relationship is what makes it the most compelling to me and I think that the fact that they never get together forced the writers to show us they loved each other in far more interesting and nuanced ways than usually exist for couples that more explicitly get together on screen.

And finally, my choice for "Most Potential" is FinnRey. I really liked Finn and Rey's dynamic in TFA, I liked the way they both learned to rely on each other when they'd never had anyone to rely on before, the way they were able to escape their respective prisons and take their first steps into a larger world together. I liked the theme of coming back for each other no matter what, of reaching out for each other so they couldn't be separated, and the idea of shared fate where they would become the hero of the story TOGETHER. Obviously we all know how that dynamic got sidelined and ignored after TFA, but both characters are still alive and definitely have more story to tell, so the potential remains. Whether that potential ever actually goes anywhere, even if it's just in things like novels and comics, is still super up in the air. But I think these two could have an incredible dynamic if anyone was willing to give them the time of day.

[heliza24]

Being a physically disabled Dimension 20 fan breaks my heart sometimes

I’ve been thinking about this since last Wednesday’s episode when we finally got a real scene with Lydia, one of the few physically disabled characters in the entire canon of the show. It was nice, but it was really just a lore dump. An excuse for exposition. A moment for Kristen to look good by expending sympathy/pity. (I’m a little frustrated about how that interaction went down. Extending the help action was nice but patronizingly touching the neck of a full-ass adult without consent was not. It was weird and not something she would have done to a nondisabled character).

I have watched almost all of D20 (still missing a couple of seasons) and as far as I know here’s where our list of canon physically disabled characters stand: Lydia Barkrock, Jan de la Vega (who feels pretty problematic to me, maybe more on that in a later post), one of the Dwarven statues in the temple in The Seven (who is not given the dignity of being brought to life like Asha), and Pete’s coworker in TUC2 who is in exactly one episode and is so unimportant I have forgotten his name. I guess you could make an argument that Gunny is disabled, but I don't feel that Lou or Brennan really talk about him or play him through that lens. So in terms of canon physically disabled PCs-- that leaves us with 0.

We do a bit better with neurodivergent characters and characters with mental health problems; Ayda (my beloved) is very well developed and Adaine is a PC. There have been some openly neurodivergent players, like Omar and Surena, whose characters also read ND to me. But that isn’t labeled or discussed in canon, so it's hard for me to know where to class that. I am going to focus the rest of this post on physical disabilities, since that is my area of lived experience. If another fan wants to write about their perspective of neurodivergence rep in the show, I would love to hear that, and will happily amplify.

There has never been a character with a sensory disability or a limb difference or a chronic illness (not a fantasy one, a real one) on Dimension 20. The only NPCs we have are nondescript, similar wheelchair users. And there has never been a physically disabled player at the table. On the flagship show of Dropout, a company founded on diversity and inclusion. It feels extremely pointed to me.

In fact as far as I can tell there has only been one (1) physically disabled performer on any of Dropout’s shows. (Shout out to Brett, you were great on Dirty Laundry.) Obviously I haven’t seen every episode of everything they have produced. If I have missed someone, please do let me know in the comments/reblogs. But it’s a problem. And Sam Reich even agreed with this criticism when I asked him directly about.

I do really hope they’re working on it, as Sam says. But why has it taken so long?

Dimension 20 has had trans and nonbinary and queer players. It has had players of many different races. I’m not saying that the diversity here is perfect; there should always be more POC in the dome, more queer people. We should keep pushing for that. (And we should also push for performers at the intersections of these identities!) But we’ve seen the ways this diversity has expanded and improved the different seasons, because diverse players create sensitively drawn, diverse player characters. They add details to their PC’s experiences that make them feel rich and alive. I’m thinking about each of Ally’s PC’s incredible capital G gender and Aabria “all my characters (even the stoats) are Black” and how excellent they all are. D20 would not be the show it is without this input.

And yet. And yet.

There are 1,000 interesting and complicated themes to explore around disability. Dealing with access. Dealing with ableism. Dealing with compassion and community care. Dealing with none of it and just being a cool fantasy or sci fi character that happens to be disabled. We don’t get any of it.

I watch my favorite show and I see myself in the ace rep and the female characters. But I don’t see all of me. I see a silent but ever present message: you aren’t quite welcome here.

I have this fantasy that I play in my brain sometimes that someday I’ll get to talk to Brennan in person, like maybe if I buy a VIP ticket and risk Covid to go to a live show or we run into each other on the street or something. I am able to look him in the eye and articulate why he NEEDS to include a physically disabled player in an upcoming season. I reference the ways he’s talked about inclusion and writing diversely on Adventuring Party. Maybe I hand him a handwritten letter, or hell, a printout of this post. And because he really cares about diversity and his shows and his fans he would listen to me, and cast a physically disabled performer in the next season.

But I think that might be giving that nondisabled man (whose work I adore, who I respect so much) too much credit. Because he’s had Jennifer Kretchmer, a physically disabled actual play performer, on adventuring academy to talk about access in gaming. He’s hired disability consultants. He knows about physically disabled people, enough to give us shoutouts as inconsequential npcs. And he still hasn’t thought to include us at the table. In over 20 seasons. None of that other stuff matters if we aren't given a seat at the story telling table, and the agency to craft our own narratives equal to other participants in the game.

When Lydia was telling her story in the last episode, I kept wishing for a prequel, where she is more than a plot delivery device and a kind but unimportant parent. I want to know about her adventures with her adventuring party. I want to see a talented, wheelchair-using actor play out the scene when she decides to put the gem in her chest. I want to hear about what happened after. I want to know how she survived. I want it so badly it hurts.

I am in the process of trying to find new indie actual plays that feature more disabled talent. I am learning how to GM myself so I can tell these kinds of stories. But it’s not the same as being a fan of something. Sometimes I don’t want to have to make my own representation. Sometimes I just want to turn on my favorite tv show, the one that I have cosplayed from and written metas about and loved whole heartedly, and see myself included.

If you’re another disabled or neurodivergent fan I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. If you’re not, I’d love for you to reblog this. I would love for the absence of physical disability in this show to be a topic of fandom conversation, at the very least.