#sometimes i wonder if its making my anxiety worse

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[writingoddess1125]

You Get Buggy a Corgi

Cute Headcanon

Pure Fluff

◇ Bonus has some mild sadness

Support me on Ko-Fi ☕️

• Buggy has always wanted a Corgi- He's never talked about it but you did see he has a Corgi shaped pillow in his room that he's apparently had since he was a child-

• So you decide to get him one as a gift for his birthday.

• He always had big birthday bashes and it was the biggest party imaginable- The whole crew with more alcohol and food then a gods banquet while Buggy sat in the center jovial and proud.

• You walk over with a box in hand and carefully set it down infront of him, He raises a brow at the lack of flashy decoration on the brown box and pops open the lid with a unamused expression

• There a little head pops up and everyone stares at the happy Corgi face looking st Buggy and the blue bow around its neck

• His whole face flushes as you can quite literally see the childlike joy shine in his eyes- A bright smile on his face as he sets the puppy in his lap.

• "Her name is Guppy" You say as he mumbles the name and glances up at you. "She's mine?"

• "Yep! She's fully trained and apparently does really well on ships from what the shelter said" You say softly, but you're sure he isn't even paying attention to you as the dog seems to instantly love Buggy and scales him with her little body to press her face against his. You can quite literally see his heart melt.

• Clearly Guppy is his favorite gift ever since he doesn't pay attention to anything else accept for Guppy the rest of the night.

• You also get a special reward for bringing a wonderful gift.

• Guppy is absolutely a velcro dog- Loving to be at Buggys side 24/7 and follow him around. He gets her a red bandana so she's easy to spot at all times. If there is anything dangerous he will leave her behind but be sad about it-

• Later finds out she yaps like crazy when he's not there and cries loudly.

• She sleeps on him constantly, sometimes waking him up since she will curl directly over his face suffocating him.

• 'Mrph!- 'Upeee!!" {Guppy!} And ge carefully scoots her on the pillow next to his head so he can breath and go back to sleep-

• Guppy acts as a sort of Therapy dog for Buggy as well- When his temper or anxiety get him worked up to were he would usually destroy his room she will instead lay on his chest and force him to stay still as he Pets her and works himself down from a rage.

• She is also the perfect pillow for him to cry on. So he has pressed his face gently into her fur and just cried- Often she licks the tears away.

• Doesnt wear as heavy of makeup since he knows she likes to lick his face and doesn't want the grease paint to make her sick-

• Will also carry her- Say if the waters are too choppy but she doesn't want to be left he will just carry her like a baby to make sure she doesn't slide around or get hurt.

• If anyone- and I mean ANYONE Dares to mess with his dog he will absolutely go ape-shit... Think insulting his nose is instant death- Hurt his dog and he will come up with the worse ways to kill a person slowly-

• He probably loves Guppy more then any living person and makes sure she has a wonderful healthy life.

Bonus!-

• "Hey Buggy can I ask?- Why do you like Corgi's so much?" You ask laying next to him on the floor of his cabin. He pauses for a moment as he thinks.

• "Lots of reasons- They are soft, sweet, overall really loving and they are a little odd which I like.. But-" He pauses for a second.

• "...It's kinda weird but.. my first memory in life was of a Corgi and my mother-" He admitted and you looked surprised by this, asking for him to explain which he rolled his eyes but agreed.

• "It was the day she dropped me off at the orphanage.. She handed me that corgi pillow you see on my bed and some berry she shoved in my pockets. Telling me that she had to leave me here to make sure I was safe from bad guys-" He said calmly, but you could hear the hurt in his tone.

• "But if I was every in a situation were it was truly life or death all I had to say with three words and I'd be okay. Then she kisses my forehead and left. It's my first and last memories of her- A few years later Roger's picking me up to be his apprentice" He admitted as Guppy lived his face clearly sensing some sadness.

• "Im... I'm so sorry-.. What were the three words?" You asked now circus, but you saw the way his eyes drifted to you briefly

• "Eh- That's a story for a different time" He said with a smile and waved it off. Watching how he pet Guppy some more.

• However you laid there stewing.. 3 words?

[bunniekittiee]

(MK1) Bi-Han Headcanons

I was listening to Jar of Flies and it came into my head that I never did separate Bi-Han headcanons about himself. So this is what I think he would be like. This is also very music-based but yk its all good.

Bi-Han is known as the goth man of Mortal Kombat because of Noob but I think he would be a bit more grungey.

He loved dark and haunting music even before he became a wraith.

Alice In Chains was his first listen to Earthrealm music as he had never interacted with it before. Johnny had to tell him about them.

“I think it’s up your alley.” Johnny told him as he handed him a CD player with a few CDs.

Bi-Han did not trust his judgement at first and even put it off for a little bit, but he soon regretted putting it off as soon as he listened to Jar of Flies.

Absolutely loved AIC after this.

Related Jar of Flies to his own trauma with losing his mother and his father’s harsh treatment.

That’s another can of worms that cannot be opened in great detail today.

Would also like Narrow Head, Superheaven (duh i headcanon every character to like them), Mareux, Basement, Nine Inch Nails, but that’s just to name a few.

Associates “Hole in the Ground” by Superheaven with Kuai Liang and tries to not listen to it too much.

This is much worse after his betrayal. Bi-Han hardly touches the song after because of this.

It would only make him feel horrible and guilty.

Also associates “Necrosis” by Narrow Head with his father because of his hurtful treatment as a kid.

Bi-Han was trained a pushed a lot harder than Kuai Liang and even Tomas who was not their blood kin, so Bi-Han held a lot of resentment for his father.

He treated Tomas more like a son than he did Bi-Han.

Bi-Han wondered if this was so he could become a tough Grandmaster, and that’s how he reasoned it in his head, but it still messed with him.

When he lost his mother, it was devastating. She was the only one who supported him and took care of him after suffering from bouts of hypothermia from his father testing his might in the Arctika.

She was there for everything and always made sure Bi-Han was well.

When she passed, he did not have that support system anymore. That is when he knew it was time to become a man and move on.

He never moved on, but he did become a man.

His exterior was already cold, but it became much more worse after the death of his mother.

That is the Bi-Han we know today.

He never held much warmth despite his brothers telling him he should.

He hardly wanted to give his father a funeral, but he knew he could not go in that direction. He needed to honor him despite his dishonorable acts against the Lin Kuei.

He was a weak, senile Grandmaster. He was not fit to rule.

But Bi-Han was, he was ready to reform the clan and change the weaker policies his father implemented after the death of his mother.

Kuai Liang always tried to reason with Bi-Han, but he never changed his mind. Once Bi-Han was set, he was ready.

It didn’t matter what Kuai said or did, Bi-Han would never budge.

He was very stubborn to the dismay of his brothers.

Late at night if Bi-Han could not sleep, he would listen to music to help him.

Bi-Han could not sleep well because of the creeping thoughts of his childhood/adulthood that caused him great pain.

It often seeped into his dreams which caused him to not be able to go back to sleep.

That’s why he looks so tired, he just has a hard time sleeping. His mind is too occupied and the gears are always turning about.

“Blank” by Glare also makes Bi-Han reflect on his life. He listens to that when he can’t sleep.

Sometimes, it’s able to lull him to sleep.

Tomas and Kuai do worry about Bi-Han.Tomas suspects that Bi-Han is depressed, maybe anxiety-ridden.

But they’ll never know. Bi-Han is super against vulnerability and he hates to feel that way.

He also does not like to be forced to talk about his feelings or what’s bothering him. It makes him feel like he’s trapped in a corner like a wild animal.

After Bi-Han’s betrayal, Sektor and Cyrax are the ‘replacements’ for his siblings.

But they never are interested in what Bi-Han’s mental stability is. They are not that close to be aquatinted like that.

All they care about is having a Grandmaster that is ready to conquer and give them orders. They are warriors, they are ready for anything Bi-Han throws their way.

When Bi-Han was younger, his father did everything to make his life difficult. This lead to Bi-Han being very angry often.

He trained alone in the temple, his knuckles bloody from the amount of punching he did. His knuckles would be raw and cut open badly.

His mother would coax him away from the training room to let her wrap his hands up. She did this very often as Bi-Han was the main target of his father’s wrath.

He hardly cried in front of her, but every once in a while he broke. But she picked up his pieces.

Bi-Han loved his mother greatly, her death pained him the most out of everyone.

So when he looks in the mirror, all he sees reflecting back at him is his mother.

Her eyes, her facial features, her caring demeanor.

But Bi-Han was hardened, extremely rough around the edges.

He could never be as caring and loving like her. It wasn’t in his DNA to be that way. That was more Kuai Liang’s personality.

Sometimes if he stared for too long, he would see her in the mirror. But only for a mere moment.

He blamed it on lack of sleep and never told anyone.

Bi-Han is extremely troubled, and he requires a lot of patience and understanding. He will not open up right away to anyone.

[zoeykallus]

Hi there! I love your headcanons and I was wondering if I could make a personal request. Let me know if this is a no-go.

I have PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, basically PMS [premenstrual syndrome] but 20x worse. It usually resolves upon the onset of the crimson wave. But not all the time.

I have been struggling really badly with the deep depression, insomnia, and self-image issues brought on by my disorder.

Do you think we can see how the Batch handles their fem reader S/O struggling with this disorder specifically? And maybe, if it's not too much, a part 2 with some of our favorite regs?

Thank you so much!

Aloha my dear!

Oh, this is a heavy hitter, I know where you are coming from. So many people out there have no idea how freaking much this can affect someone's life. PMS is already a hard thing to deal with, but PMDD brings it to yet another really shitty level. Don't worry, I got you 😊

The Bad Batch x Afab!Reader HCs - Struggling With PMDD

Warnings: Mention of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and its symptoms /Hurt/Comfort/Fluff

_______

AC: I'm using Techs Part first to introduce PMDD and its symptoms to those who might not know what it is. So don't be surprised about Tech's Part being longer than the others, there is a lot of information in there. So please read Tech's part, to understand what this is all about 😊

_______

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

_______

Tech

The first experiences he has with you in this context are frightening for him. Apart from the fact that you suddenly seem like a completely different person to him, he is really worried about you. But Tech wouldn't be Tech if he didn't get to the bottom of this.

It takes him a little while to find the right material.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It may affect women of childbearing age. It’s a severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment. Lifestyle changes and sometimes medicines can help manage symptoms.

The exact cause of PMDD is not known. It may be an abnormal reaction to normal hormone changes that happen with each menstrual cycle. The hormone changes can cause a serotonin deficiency. Serotonin is a substance found naturally in the brain and intestines that narrows blood vessels and can affect mood and cause physical symptoms.

What are the risk factors for PMDD?

While any woman can develop PMDD, the following may be at increased risk:

Women with a family history of PMS or PMDD  

Women with a personal or family history of depression, postpartum depression, or other mood disorders

Other possible risk factors include lower education and cigarette smoking

Talk with your healthcare provider for more information.

"Healthcare provider?" he mumbles softly between reading, "As if any of us have such a thing"

Symptoms of PMDD appear during the week before menstruation and end within a few days after your period starts. These symptoms disrupt daily living tasks. Symptoms of PMDD are so severe that women have trouble functioning at home, at work, and in relationships during this time. This is markedly different than other times during the month.

There is a chart with symptoms and he worriedly starts to read it.

The following are the most common symptoms of PMDD:

Psychological symptoms

Irritability

Nervousness

Lack of control

Agitation

Anger

Insomnia

Difficulty in concentrating

Depression

Severe fatigue

Anxiety

Confusion

Forgetfulness

Poor self-image

Paranoia

Emotional sensitivity

Crying spells

Moodiness

Trouble sleeping

Fluid retention

Swelling of the ankles, hands, and feet

Periodic weight gain

Diminished urine output

Breast fullness and pain

Respiratory problems

Allergies

Infections

Eye complaints

Vision changes

Eye infection

Gastrointestinal symptoms

Abdominal cramps

Bloating

Constipation

Nausea

Vomiting

Pelvic heaviness or pressure

Backache

Skin problems

Acne

Skin inflammation with itching

Aggravation of other skin disorders, including cold sores

Neurologic and vascular symptoms

Headache

Dizziness

Fainting

Numbness, prickling, tingling, or heightened sensitivity of arms and/or legs

Easy bruising

Heart palpitations

Muscle spasms

Other

Decreased coordination

Painful menstruation

Diminished sex drive

Appetite changes

Food cravings

Hot flashes

His brows are drawn together critically. With a heavy sigh, he says quietly to himself, "Oh boy…"

Tech makes it his business to see that you are examined by a proper doctor, given appropriate medication, and change your diet. He sometimes seems stern and matter-of-fact, but only when he notices you neglecting yourself. Tech also pampers you to counteract the psychological symptoms, with picnics, massages and the like.

Don't worry too much, Tech's got your back. He won't give up on you.

Hunter

His senses already tell him what connections exist with your condition. But of course he is not a doctor and therefore informs himself accordingly without your knowledge, Tech helps him. What he learns frightens him, Hunter is really worried, and he makes it his mission to make this time, these symptoms, easier for you. Apart from making sure you always have the medication you need at hand, he is also much more attentive and caring than usual during this time.

You can let yourself go and not have to worry about anything, Hunter takes everything in hand and has it under control. He is especially gentle and forgiving with you during this time. You mean a lot to him, and he does his absolute best to help you.

He doesn't argue with you when you get your moods, if you want to be alone he respects that, but keeps an eye on you from a safe distance, just in case.

Echo

This sweet man really throws himself into the task of helping you. Whether it's getting your medications, preparing food, massages, and running relaxing baths, Echo has it all covered.

With him by your side, you will want for nothing during this difficult time. He is also not easily scared away, he is as patient as he is stubborn. You don't have to go to the doctor alone, Echo will accompany you.

He organizes your medication, your diet and everything else you need, if you want. If you don't, you must tell him clearly, because Echo will automatically see his task in taking care of everything.

Wrecker

He is warm, and lively. Contrary to the expectations of most, he is also very sensitive and attentive. Of course, he does not miss the fact that something is wrong with you. Of course, he is worried and wants to help.

Talk to him honestly, try not to withdraw, and you will have a steadfast supporter and caretaker in Wrecker. He likes to spoil you, make sure you are taken care of and have your medication.

Wrecker is happy to adapt to you, you just need to communicate with him and let him know what you need. Taking care of you is very easy for him, he likes to do that. Knowing that he can make things easier for you is also good for him in this situation. So confide in him, there is absolutely no reason to pretend in front of him.

Crosshair

He is a bit more complicated at first. Of course, you are incredibly important to him, and he also has a certain empathy, but he often stands in his own way when it comes to emotional, interpersonal things.

At first, he can't really deal with it at all and is looking for some distance at this time. But in a small conversation between brothers, in which Hunter makes it clear to him that his behavior sooner or later can seriously damage your relationship, Crosshair first informs himself more precisely about the existing problem. Finally, he approaches you with the knowledge he has gathered and tries to discuss with you what you can do together as a couple, what he can do as your partner to make the whole thing easier for you.

You talk about medications, doctor visits, relaxation techniques, and home remedies to combat some symptoms. It doesn't take long for the two of you to work out a certain routine that you can both manage and that he can use to help you get through this time okay.

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@allsystemsblue

@palliateclaw

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@extrahotpixels

@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@antishadow2021

@sleepycreativewriter

@projectdreamwalker

@1vlouds

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[lukevonhagen]

my take on marius von hagen: part one, his approach to romance

marius has been with me for over a year now and he pretty much occupies my thoughts 24/7, and this was something i have been itching to write for a while. so... strap in, grab your juice box and your cheetos and let's get this show on the road yeah?

Fair Warning, this will not be under a read more, so i apologize in advance if it gets pretty lengthy. (edit: this post is abt 1.8k words long, wow sorry lol.)

this is going to be a character analysis... sort of; it's an analysis of the version of marius that lives in my brain rent free. given that this is an introductory post to what i believe might be a series of my insane marius ramblings, i think i should provide some insight as to what said marius is like in order for the rest of this post to make sense.

first of all, i embrace realism and i reject canon. in marius' sweet wonders card, he finally reveals the significance of the z dog tag he's always wearing. while i think it's really magical that he was able to move on from blaming himself for his mother's death by having an epiphany staring at the ferris wheel... well, i like to make him worse and i just don't think, ultimately, that it's likely or realistic. the marius in my head has a very hard time trying to justify his own existence. i'm not saying he doesn't want to live, or that he'd put himself in any kind of danger, but i believe that he works very hard in order to justify being alive (to himself). not only does he still grapple with the loss of his mother and the role he believes he had to play in that, but there's a part of him that also blames himself for giann's disappearance.

marius believes that he is a vortex that sucks in everything, that destroys everything in its wake. we know for a fact, above all else, that marius doesn't want other people to have to go down with him.

i also believe (especially due to this description) that marius personally manufactured the image he has as a playboy, as opposed to it being a reputation that was given by others which he eventually leaned into.

allow me to elaborate.

marius, in his desire to avoid people being chewed up in his life and spat back out, would want to control the situation as much as possible. there are a few reasons why i believe he'd make this reputation for himself, which are 1) having control of the narrative of himself and making sure people do underestimate him is precisely how he maintains the upper hand in many scenarios (because let's face it, no one expects ditzy, arrogant marius von hagen to be able to outsmart them), and 2) it's much easier to push people away when he makes himself seem incompetent and undesirable. he may be one of the richest men on the planet, but sometimes money isn't enough to redeem an awful composition.

all of that having been said, marius additionally has to have severe trust issues due to the fact that he has a lot of influence and wealth people undoubtably want to use him for, and said influence is the source of a traumatic experience he went through as a child that would forever change the way he'd interact with others in the future. if you remember, marius vaguely alludes to an incident in will of the trees.

he mentions it again in the card in the darkness when he and rosa get trapped in a dark cave and he begins to panic, only this time he's a little more detailed about what happened to him in order to explain his anxiety to her.

then, he actually gives the details of what happened in his personal story.

mc remembers the hints marius had dropped to her a couple of times regarding this incident, so she then asks:

i don't believe marius actually blamed himself for his mother until this was said about him. his mother is the root of all things; he thinks that if he was never born, she would have never died, and perhaps she and giann would still be around and would be happy and healthy. he convinces himself that his existence destroyed his family. the stress of his feelings and anxiety makes him extremely sick as a kid.

all of this was too much for a young marius; now, remember when i said that i reject canon? that's important, because i don't think he ever properly recovered from this episode. i fully believe that marius does need and should go to therapy as an adult, and hasn't done so. my headcanon as to why he didn't, and why he gives off the impression that he's fine now and everything is fine now, is because he wised up and realized that he was being a burden on others and his mother's death would be in vain if he did so.

marius, tired of being a strain on the people he loves, pretends to be mentally sound to avoid his father and brother worrying about him. the way he chooses to cope with this is to disassociate himself with these events that happened to him, to the point where he talks about them like it wasn't him personally that experienced it. (i might touch upon this again in a future post if it becomes relevant.) he can't let others know that things bother him, because it can be weaponized; it would make him look weak, and the last thing he wants is anyone worrying about him but himself, or anyone to take advantage of that weakness. consider this as a strategy he adopted from the "conceal, don't feel" philosophy.

that having been said, a personal acceptance to "get over it" to stop feeling like he needs an emotional babysitter in his relatives =/= a lack of resentment towards others for how that was handled. marius nearly died due to the cruelty of a jealous relative, and his family was right in trying to protect him (as burdensome as he feels he may is), and he learns pretty quickly that he cannot trust others.

he still is one of the most influential people alive, and that means there's going to be a slew of people walking in and out of the revolving door leading into his life that are going to want to take advantage of that fact. it also goes beyond just people wanting to manipulate him, but he doesn't enjoy playing along in this circus of social hierarchy, and doesn't enjoy the people hanging around in these spaces. because they're ingenuine, they have no merit to him, and quite simply put he's looking to fill his life with color and sincerity.

i propose that... in order to consider a romantic relationship with someone, despite how much he longs for one, he would need to deeply get to know the person first and it would take a significant time to do so... and i know what you're thinking, it's just like a regular relationship, right? getting to know someone before deciding if you want to be with them? except, to marius, this is extreme; this social sphere he occupies has effectively chewed him up and spat him back out, because he's at the top of the top. his father is the wealthiest man in the world. marius by virtue of being a von hagen is essentially on the same level as royalty, and his family name is not enough to protect him. he has to be sharp, and he needs to be alert and constantly on guard.

he'd have no idea what someone's intentions may be with him when he meets them and he knows better than to blindly trust a person's seemingly apparent good faith, but also... he's so worried about dragging people down that he'd be almost afraid to consider it. it isn't enough that people want to use and abuse him to their hearts' content, but they'd try to tear up anyone else who went in there with him, and marius would be afraid of that outcome. he's already ruined the lives of his mother and his brother in his failure to protect them from the circumstances that removed them from his life. he would be unwilling to cause someone else he cares about to be put in the same situation, and he wouldn't be able to bear it if they also ended up abandoning him.

all of that leads me to say: i believe he would be more scared and avoidant upon realizing he was falling in love with someone, rather than immediately trying to pursue it with all he's got like he would his other endeavors.

the reason? it's so simple to pursue art. art is an arbitrary passion of his that doesn't impede on anyone else but himself, nor is it influenced by any outside forces; marius has full control over it. the same goes for his company; no one is going to sit there and hold his hand with his newfound ceo duties. he's always been capable of pursuing things on his own. romance is different; romance involves putting his young and fragile heart on the line to go after a whole other independent and outside entity not knowing whether or not he's going to face rejection.

eventually, i believe he'll completely learn to get over the hurdle, but in the interest of transparency... i think he's going to need a nudge from the other person first. a sign it's reciprocated, before he has to put his heart on ice.

i think it's on brand for marius to be a tease when you meet him; it is a genuine facet of his personality, but it's also something that feeds well into his reputation. he's assuming that people are going to know exactly who he is when he runs into them on the street, so he doesn't even bother dropping his pretense. but, i do think that extends... he doesn't drop that mask right away, it takes months and months, and lots of patience and understanding in order to unravel the mystery that is marius von hagen. he's going to want to gauge whether or not it's something he wants to commit to, and if it is, he's going to have to be prepared to unpack all that baggage. he would have to believe that this is going to be a happy ending for him, that his fairytale won't be a tragedy, in order to see a path forward. once marius goes into something, he doesn't step out.

so, he won't put up that much of a fight if he starts to fall in love with you, but that doesn't mean he would be eager make that leap of faith without getting a hint that there will be a safety net ready to catch him when he falls.

[coconutcordiale]

wasted and strawberry lace with sub!rooster for the 1k celebration 💗💗 love u mae!!

your ecstasy (i'm floating away)

pairing- rooster x afab reader

synopsis- sometimes bradley just needs to get out of his head a little

warnings- 18+ minors dni (glen don't read this either ik you want proof rooster's a bottom but this is not the droid you're looking for) sub bradley, dom reader, dirty pics, teasing bradley while he's supposed to be working, unprotected piv, orgasm control, subspace, established relationship so kink negotiation is implied to have happened pre-fic, lots of anxiety and rooster's bummer of a life

length- 1.9k

an- thank you so much jo ily!!!! this is weirdly not just filth it kind of turned into a character study almost? my b

for the prompts wasted; ‘i know baby, I know’ & strawberry lace; lingerie. I had two other requests for {wasted} which’ll get posted separately the muse is just very fickle right now

i think of this as part of the heart in danger (rooster x roommate) universe but can definitely be read separately there's only one comment about it. also let's hand wave the fact that rooster would probably not be allowed to be on his phone while getting briefed on a life endangering mission

the link to lingerie is not very inclusive, if that bothers you feel free to skip the link. it fit perfectly so i had to use it. but as always envision whatever you want :)

title courtesy of dopamine - børns

The problem with being back in North Island is that no matter how many renditions of Great Balls of Fire Bradley does, that pit of uneasiness still sits like a rock in his stomach, reminiscent of the last time he was here.

He remembers being so heavy, having such a chip on his shoulder going through TOPGUN the first time around that it’s a wonder his jet was ever able to get off the ground.

So, when faced with Maverick - the one person who purposely ensured that Bradley was well and truly alone - for the first time in over a decade, the anxiety simmering deep within him starts to claw its way to the surface.

And it’s not just Maverick. It’s all too much; the idea that he might die serving the Navy, die doing the same job his mom always wanted to keep him safe from, die flying as close as he can to a blonde guy with a mustache that he barely remembers – his only real memories of him consisting of brightly colored shirts and deft fingers flying over piano keys.

Or maybe it’s even worse if he burns in trying to emulate the guy that never believed he was ready in the first place.

No time to be thinking about the past, Hangman spat at him. As if Bradley doesn’t know that, how high the stakes are. As if he doesn’t know that he’ll be a danger to the entire team if he doesn’t get his overanxious mind under control; like he’d still be thinking about this given the choice not to.

If only he could just get his brain to shut up for one goddamn second.

He’s pulled from his internal self-pity by his phone, nearly jumping in his seat at the vibration. He really needs to get it the fuck together.

Wanted something fancy under my new button-up today, what do you think?

“Christ,” Bradley mutters, flipping the device over before anyone sees the lingerie you’ve so kindly sent him a picture of, a sinful black lacy little thing, while he should be paying attention to Maverick.  

“Feathers ruffled, Rooster?”

Bradley tries to keep his eyes from rolling, he really does, but Hangman’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard to him, always has been. No amount of team bonding and dogfight football can fix that.

He flips the blonde off while Mav’s attention is on Fanboy, not trusting his tone to stay calm. When Hangman finally turns back to the front of the room, he texts you back as sneakily as he can with one hand and his eyes fixed forward.

Are you trying to make me jerk off in the bathroom like a teenager?

I don’t remember saying that was allowed, Lieutenant.

Fuck.

Bradley drops his head back and stares at the ceiling, trying to control his breathing. Whenever you use his rank against him it always spreads heat under his collar.

It only means one thing.

He’ll count his lucky stars that you were able to come with him to North Island, even if there is a death sentence at the end of it. Because you’ve always been able to read him better than anyone.

You must’ve sensed how much he needs this, needs to be taken out of his head for a little while. How his brain’s been running a hundred miles an hour, ever since he got called back.

It’s not something you do all the time, more often than not he likes to take the reins, likes to lay you out and take you apart.

His cheeks still get ruddy with embarrassment sometimes, thinking about how domineering, brushing against the edge of mean, he was with you the very first time you crossed the line from roommates to something more. But he knew what you needed, what you were too scared to ask for.

As it turns out, just as much as he knows what you need, you do the same for him. Like you know everything’s too much for him this close to the beaches of southern California.

That every day his flight suit has sat unpleasantly against his tanned skin. The straps holding him into his F/A-18 have felt like they were in danger of rubbing his skin raw.

Since the moment you both headed stateside his mind has supplied him with endless possibilities of what could go wrong, and probably will go wrong in this mission.  

He hasn’t been able to finish one coherent thought. That’s the thing about your mind spinning with possibilities – eventually, they come too fast to really register them. He’s halfway through one nightmare sequence when his brain moves on to another.

Every day he’s come back to you, watched you answer work emails while perched at his Navy-issued hotel room desk, and felt a sob catch in his throat as he considers what he’ll leave behind if he gets chosen for the mission.

He almost wishes he could wash out, but knows his stupid, bull-headed pride won’t let him. That as much as he doesn’t want to be, deep down he’s still the same eighteen-year-old screaming in Maverick’s face for pulling his papers, for telling him he’s not good enough. No matter how much he tries to hide it, the chip on his shoulder hasn’t quite filled itself out.

Sorry ma’am. I can be good.

He can practically see your smartass grin when he gets your response, a simple two words that have him counting the seconds until he can bolt out of the debrief.

Prove it.

+

You’re still wearing the lingerie that’s sure to haunt his dreams for the next several deployments, that’ll be stuck in his head when he’s suffocating on other pilots’ egos and wishing desperately he didn’t have a bunkmate. It’s pulled to the side, his eyes transfixed on where you’re letting him thrust his thick cock into your wet heat, his feet flat on the bed so he has enough leverage to fuck up into you.

“Stop, baby,” you say, and Bradley knows his face crumples like he’s in pain, but he immediately halts his movements, hands tearing at the bedsheets in protest of the orgasm quickly being ripped out from underneath him.

You run your hands down his chest, nails raking red marks across his pecs, the sharp sting his only tether to reality.

“Plea –” He tries to beg, but it gets lost in a groan as you swivel your hips on his cock, too slow for him to build back up to the edge.

It feels like you’ve been at this for days and distantly, Bradley can tell he’s shaking with need, breathless whines leaving in a stream without his permission as you whisper how gorgeous he is like this. He’d preen under the attention if he weren’t currently floating, as close as he ever gets to flying when he’s on the ground.

He can feel the wetness beneath his lashes, spilling hot tears onto his cheeks as you move to cup his jaw, your harsh grip offset by affectionate strokes across his cheek with your thumb. “I know, baby, I know.”

Sounds are leaving his mouth, he thinks his hands are reaching for you, but he doesn’t know what world he exists in right now, his mind light and high in the clouds.

“You need to cum, don’t you?”

Bradley leans into your touch, the soft pads of your fingers giving him something to focus on, something to ground him as he tries to wade through the fog to understand your words, to be good for you.

Your fingers tighten on his jaw, just on this side of painful, bringing him back to Earth. “I asked you a question, Lieutenant.”

He nods and you tut, the disapproving noise lancing him, your displeasure bringing more burning tears to his eyes.

You look down at him, his world narrowing to the soft light behind you, glowing around your head like a halo and the smile that Bradley has dreamt of on every aircraft carrier he’s had the displeasure of being on since he met you.

“Words, Bradley, you know better than that.”

He can’t find it in himself to be embarrassed about the whine that rips from his throat, high-pitched and reedy. His head is empty, a lone yes rattling around his brain like the last piece of candy in those little cardboard boxes you get at the movies.

“Please, princess.” The words force themselves off his tongue, syllables falling out of his mouth slowly like molasses. “Need you, need to cum inside you.”

He should probably be calling you ma’am or something more deferential given your current situation, but at this point, it’s truly a feat he was able to get any words out at all.

"Good boy."

When you tangle your fingers in his curls and tug, another drawn-out moan leaves his lips involuntarily.

You smirk. Bradley thinks he’ll be seeing that coy, self-satisfied look on the back of his eyelids every day for the rest of his life.

“You’ve been so good,” you murmur, sultry and bringing more heat to his cheeks, which he didn't even think possible after they've been flaming for hours now. He wants to keen, wants to bottle up your praise and live with it inside his ears forever, but you’ve started moving your hips again, building your rhythm back up and it drives any coherency from his brain.

“Cum for me, baby, fill me up,” you whimper, leaning down so your words are hot in his ear, sending sparks down his spine.

His thrusts turn erratic at your permission, hands gripping your hips for dear life as his head falls back, exposing the thick line of his throat. Your hand stays on his jaw, moving down his neck, thumb rubbing softly over his pulse as his climax snaps through him, every muscle tensing and releasing as his vision whites out.

He’s boneless, afloat, mind blissfully, finally blank. For the first time since he got the order to return to California, his chest feels light.

Your hands are carding through his curls, voice soft and melodic when he comes to. It warms him all over. “You back with me?”

Bradley nods, face tucked into your neck. He hears the crinkle of a wrapper, opening his eyes to spy a piece of a Nature Valley bar inches away from him. He wants to roll his eyes, tell you he’s fine, but decides he’s too tired to argue, taking the snack between his lips.

“Thank you for taking care of me, princess,” he mumbles through a mouthful of granola bar.  

“I needed it too,” you admit quietly, like you don’t want to ruin the calm that’s taken over your shared hotel room by being too loud. “I know you can’t tell me anything about why we’re here. But it can’t be good, right? It was nice, to be in control for just a little. I feel a bit better now, more settled.”

“Me too,” he agrees, nuzzling the soft skin behind your ear before nosing his way to your mouth for a kiss.

He tries to pour all his love into the press of his lips against yours, hoping it’s enough.

[chaoscheebs]

It's Midnight, Cinderella, chapter 4

(Chapter 1) - (Chapter 2) - (Chapter 3) - (Chapter 4) - (Fic Tag)

--------

Unfortunately, once again, Yugi did, in fact, stall on actually talking to someone that night. It wasn’t entirely his fault this time, he swore! His grandfather needed help at the store when he got in and it slipped his mind! He totally didn’t lose to the anxiety built up from dealing with years and years of absolute bullshit in his personal life that is the background noise of his life! He absolutely wasn’t deliberately staying away from LINE or anything! Really!

… oh, who was Yugi fooling; it certainly wasn’t himself, that was for damned sure. Tonight, he promised himself. Tonight he would pick up the phone or go on LINE or whatever and pick someone to talk to. Hanasaki, maybe? He at least didn’t have any sort of personal grudge against Kaiba that he knew of, so he could be neutral on this…

Whatever, he’ll work it out when he gets there, he thought. At least his Tuesday was going better than yesterday, or at least was quieter. No news is good news, he guessed.

--------

This is hell, Seto Kaiba thought. If hell actually existed, this was it.

Even through remotely accessing the computers of the company to find the guest list, he still had no luck in acquiring it. His best guess it it was probably on some secretary’s laptop that’s conveniently shut off and therefore offline and aggravatingly unavailable. So here he was, relying solely on his memory and waiting for people to reply to their damned e-mails. So many people and so many damned e-mails. Worse yet were the people he knew wouldn’t answer their e-mails over something “trivial”, so he had to call them. As if he didn’t have to deal with enough phone calls before this whole mess.

When Seto finally finds this man, he is going to have some words with him about this bullshit too.

From the couch, Mokuba tore his eyes away from his phone, looked at his brother, and sighed. Seto knew exactly what he was thinking and said, “For the tenth time, I’m absolutely certain it wasn’t just Yugi. Yugi’s far too goody-goody to do any of this.”

“I didn’t say a word,” Mokuba replied, rolling his eyes. “I was just wondering why you’re so hung up on a dude that ditched you, is all.”

“Why?” Seto hesitated, trying to piece together his thoughts. “I suppose… I suppose it was because there was a sincerity behind his words, a certain openness that doesn’t quite mesh with the sudden departure.” He picked up his currently cold cup of coffee, but didn’t drink; instead, he gazed down at its contents. “Something seems off about all of this, and I don’t like it.”

“So you have to get to the bottom of this.”

“So I have to get to the bottom of this.”

“I see… Have you considered talking to Yugi?” Mokuba asked. Before Seto could affirm once again the man was not, in fact, Yugi, Mokuba raised both his hands to stop him. “What I mean is, Yugi makes indie games on the side, right? Maybe he can help you track the guy down, or at least the guy the guy came in with.”

Setp paused, thinking for a moment. “… that’s not a bad idea. I’ll take it into consideration if my current leads turn up nothing.”

“Or you could just ask him while you’re waiting for replies; not like you have anything else to do at the moment,” Mokuba pressed.

Really, why is Mokuba so fixated on Yugi lately, Seto wondered. Maybe it was because Yugi seemed stressed out about something yesterday and he’s worried? Mokuba’s too kind for his own good sometimes, at least when it comes to Yugi. Mokuba could have worse friends than Yugi and his weird gang of nerds, though, Seto supposed.

“Just gonna ignore that, huh?”

“I’m not desperate enough to get help from Yugi just yet.”

Another loud sigh and roll of Mokuba’s eyes. “Then I’ll just text him.”

“There’s no reason to get him involved in all this just yet,” Seto said, perhaps a little more forcefully than he intended. He absolutely wasn’t thinking about how on edge Yugi seemed yesterday and was saying this to avoid adding more stress to whatever’s going on in that man’s life. Really. This decision was entirely rational and not influenced by weak emotions.

Mokuba grinned at him. “Why, are you worried about him~?”

“O-of course not!” Seto said. “Why would I care about him beyond what he can do for the company?”

“Because he’s the closest thing you have to a friend~?”

“Do I look like a man who needs friends?” Seto said, scowling.

“Desperately.”

“Well, you’re wrong,” Seto huffed, crossing his arms and looking away. He could feel the burning sensation in his cheeks and ears betraying him already, but he was telling the truth, damn it.

“Mm-hm,” said Mokuba, unimpressed. He tapped a couple things on his phone and added, “By the way, that order should reach him by tomorrow.”

A wave of the mental equivalent of keysmashing washed over Seto, forcing him to bolt up out of his chair. “How do you—”

“Shared account, remember? Something something ‘you are not buying anything unsupervised after the snake thing’ or whatever,” Mokuba said dismissively, with a wave of his hand.

“A snake is a living creature and you can’t just try to sneak one under my nose because you thought it’d be cool—”

“I’m going to be 18 soon, you won’t be able to stop me—”

“And who is going to take care of it while you’re out of the house? The maids will revolt—“

And as such, the conversation was thoroughly derailed, any thought of Yugi long gone in the wind.

--------

The mystery man was absolutely Yugi.

Short and thin? Check. Blond? Until at least through Friday, check; it was a charity stream goal that Yugi and Jounouchi would be blond twinsies for a while. Makes horror games? Definitely check. In a one-sided rivalry with a man who uses dragon cards? The checkmark on that could be seen from the KC space station.

And if his brother’s description wasn’t enough to make Mokuba suspicious, Yugi’s behavior yesterday clinched it. Pretty much anyone who had the same information Mokuba had could connect the dots between that description and Yugi’s anxious fit.

Unfortunately, however, his brother was not “most people”. Mokuba should be surprised Seto had such a rose-colored view of Yugi after everything, but he really, really wasn’t. That man still had troubles to this day telling apart what was Yugi and what was Yugi’s other self and it was kind of depressing to watch, to be perfectly honest. It was also painfully apparent straight-up telling Seto it was definitely Yugi was not getting through to him, either.

So, he had to play this carefully. Make a suggestion or two to his brother here, get one or more of Yugi’s friends involved there… Just slowly build up pressure on Yugi, because if Seto wasn’t going to believe his adorable, charming little brother, the only real option is to drag a confession out of Yugi. And if that doesn’t convince Seto, well… Mokuba will just figure out where to go from there, then.

His big brother doesn’t latch onto just anyone, after all. Mokuba isn’t letting this opportunity to expand Seto’s world even a little go if he can help it.

Anyway, speaking of involving Yugi’s friends, Mokuba had some texts to fire off. Best case scenario, maybe Mokuba will get to see an exciting stream tonight. Worst case, this was one of the people Yugi can’t push away or lie to, so shit will still get done, and that’s the most important thing here.

He was really, really hoping for the exciting stream thing, though.

--------

“Sorry, slept like shit, can’t do the stream with you tonight, I won’t be entertaining. :(”

That was how the first message Jounouchi’s had from Yugi in days went. He read it over again, frowning. He had messaged Yugi back asking if he was all right, but all he got in response was an “I’ll be OK, I just need some rest,” followed by a sticker of Dark Magician Girl cheerfully giving a thumbs up.

Jounouchi laid back on the floor, looking up at his phone as he jumped over to a different set of DMs. Man, he really should get some more furniture—it wasn’t like he didn’t have enough now stashed away to afford it—but the nagging thought of “what if you NEED that money for something important?!?” refused to go away, even when he was in a better place now. It sucked, really, but what’cha gonna do?

Anyway, furniture wasn’t important right now. It was worrying enough that Yugi went radio silent and still wasn’t exactly chatty—he always goes Clam Mode when he’s upset over something and doesn’t want to bother anyone—but then he got these other messages from Mokuba saying the guy was anxious enough that even the kid’s shithead brother noticed.

Seto-fuckin’-Kaiba. Showing concern for someone that ain’t his brother. What in the actual fuck was going on in Yugi’s life right now?

He was about ten seconds from calling off the stream tonight and going over to check on Yugi when his phone rang all of a sudden, startling him and causing him to drop the phone on his face. He recovered quickly enough, however, and scrambled to pick up the phone, revealing a familiar number on the screen. Huh, maybe this’ll get me some answers, he thought. With a flick of his thumb, he took the call. “Yo, gramps, how ya doin’?”

--------

Back at home, Yugi, face down on his pillow, not exactly asleep but not quite awake, with a certain mask of deep, royal blue staring down at him from the headboard of the bed, remained blissfully ignorant of the gears set into motion out of sight.

At least until tomorrow, anyway.

[amischiefofmice]

I finished another thing, birthed from my own brain meat

The most dangerous snackies

Summary:

Astarion was not really being the good camp vampire he had promised to be. He was just much better at not getting caught when he went for late night in-house nibbles. You know sometimes you’re hungry in the middle of the night and its a pain to go out and get something to eat because you are very lazy? So, instead you’ll just wander around the kitchen till something looks good. Totally the same thing. If nobody knows you’re doing something that's the same thing as not doing it, right? No harm done! Though this time he wasn't even hunger, but instead pissed off about what a certain hero said about him when said hero thought Astarion couldn't hear. So our favorite vampire retaliates in a way that makes sense to him and only him. Alas, Astarion has the worst luck in the world and Karlach catches him having some Blade of the Frontiers juice as a midnight snack. Will she raise up a ruckus or try to deal with the misbehaving vampire on her own?

Chapter 1: Astarion Sowing: Yay! Simple plans, simple fun.

and hay if you don't wanna click through

It was early evening, the sun just starting to set on what was, in Astarion’s expert opinion, a very successful day doing this whole adventuring thing, all in all. He got to kill a lot of people, steal a bunch of gold and other loot - including a really nice new sword, and had fed plenty. No wonder people did this for a living. It sure beat his … other profession.

He was mostly concealed behind the groups’ little collection of tents. He was not really hiding on purpose, at least initially. Astarion had found himself there when the whole production around making dinner began, and then was determined to not move into view.  Being spotted around meal time was dangerous. Even though he couldn’t eat any of their precious food he had been cruelly forced (aka nicely asked) to chop vegetables or even worse: help clean up. This was much better; out of sight, out of mind.

So, he had been left to his own devices, and now he was in his camp gear and busy cleaning off his armor and weapons. He paused to look down and allow himself a smile at the partially cleaned gear. They were his things. Possessions he didn’t have to try to hide or else he’d assuredly lose them. He had pretty much given up on keeping anything decades ago, accepting anything he got his hands on was ephemeral. His traveling companions moaned and whined about missing possessions from their real homes. Astarion comes out on top again, he didn’t own a single godsdamn thing! Can’t miss anything if you had nothing before! “Hah…”

He had been gone for so long and there was still no more sign of Cazador trying to reclaim him. He pondered this as he picked up the sword to keep cleaning the gore off, trying to ignore the twin twinges in his gut. Anxiety nestled next to the hunger in his belly; while the former was not part of the vampire curse, it was such a constant companion Astarion sometimes felt it might as well be. Nothing since that one Gur hunter from… how long had it been now? A month? Two? Astarion’s sense of time had been hobbled decades ago, not even his amazing powers of denial could hide that from himself. It was so hard to put the days together to recall how many there had been since he woke up unburnt in the sun. Well, what did it matter? However long it was, this was the most blissful time he could remember.

Not that he would say he was happy or even confident in this strange freedom. Instead he was still terrified much of the time, expecting to see Cazador or one of his agents around every corner. He was honestly shocked no one else had shown up. His master’s reach was infinite, right? Maybe things were going poorly in Baldur’s Gate? The bastard had seemed extra irritable in the days before the mindflayer rescue. Or could it be that Cazador wasn’t all that powerful after all?

Pondering that possibility was a bit distracting and Astarion promptly cut himself across the palm with his new sword. “So much blood...” Quite a lot of production for such a minor cut, in his opinion. You could barely even see the tendon going to his thumb! He was not used to bleeding nearly this much with far worse injuries. He sucked at the wound and dug around for a healing potion with his other hand, not letting a drop of what was now his blood escape. No getting away, mine now! He worked hard for all this blood, after all. The potion did its job quickly enough. What a luxury, to just have spare potions like that to use for such minor injuries.

No, he wouldn't say he was happy yet but he could start to just maybe maybe imaging finding some happiness. Things were looking up! Well. OK no. Not really. Not if he bothered to think about anybody but Astarion for a moment, which was a bit difficult. The z-whatever at the crèche that was supposed to be their salvation turned out to make heads explode or something close enough.

It was very understandable that Lae’zel had come apart at the seams a bit after all the revelations thrust upon her today. However, she was strong in all aspects. Astarion had no doubt she’d be fine. Since he doubted everything all the time as a rule, he had to be correct in this case.

“Oh, whatever.” He wasn’t a mindflayer yet and could be in the sun. Maybe they got defective worms. Bad batch of brain wigglers. Poor weak things. He felt a strange kinship at this notion and then quickly tossed that musing right out of his brain, imagining it thudding out onto the ground. Time to replace that with a better thought. Like being proud he had fed from more thinking creatures today than maybe in the whole rest of their journey combined! So many skinny not-Lae’zels just wanted to march up to them and die. Might as well give them what they want.

As he progressed through the new ritual of cleaning off his gear, he realize that he was maybe a smidgen of a tiny bit blood drunk off of the githyanki buffet. The crèche defenders all took so long to get murdered, they were so good at dodging. Most things. Not his teeth. “Mwahahah.” Wait did he laugh out loud or just in his head? Uh oh, had he been talking out loud or thinking to himself back here?

He started to add that to his worry pile before he yanked it back off and instead remembered there was no skeleton here to flay him for making unwanted noise. Withers didn't seem to have it in him. Back to thinking about biting thinking creatures. He giggled at his own thoughts, again unaware he had made a sound.

That initial bite and mouthful of each victim’s blood was a jolt of pleasure throughout his whole body, quelling the unending ache in his belly for just a moment. The too brief intoxicating thrill kept occurring no matter how much he had already fed. He always thought it was stupid for people to be scared of a vampire spawn. Well, anymore than you would be scared of any random person. Sure, Astarion had killed people before, but the vast majority hardly counted as anything impressive. Just fools who attempted to mug him and were very surprised when he didn't go down when they slit his throat or jammed a knife into his gut.

Now though, oh, he understood how a spawn powered by strong blood could cause so much carnage. Especially if they went into a feeding frenzy. He realized the appeal of draining an entire household or maybe perhaps even possibly a camp dry… but honestly, that would be an awful lot of work. And ugh so much gear to sort through afterwards. So, really not a tempting notion after all!

He had restrained himself so much in previous encounters with large groups of drinkable enemies, but today he just let go. He just didn’t want to keep focusing on holding back anymore, on how he was being perceived by others. He was tired. Everyone knew what he was and they were killing so many people anyway. No reason for him not to just feed as much as he could. Not that he lost control, he was in full control of his actions the whole time, thank you very much. And that wasn’t even a lie. Not even to himself! He was just … having fun. What a novel idea. He had fun? He had fun!

He recalled laughing as he bit and stabbed and dashed and bit and twirled and stabbed and then there was some more biting for good measure. He licked his new sword clean afterwards as well, not wanting to waste a single drop. Well, the drops that got on the ground could stay there. He had standards. Having them was novel and he quite liked how they made him feel.

Astarion’s new shiny sword was new and shiny and he was very excited to use it again! Using the sword had felt so much more powerful than his daggers. Like he was more important. He wanted to get a second one to match now. Don’t worry, little daggers, he’ll always love you, my darlings, but you can be hidden back up surprises now.

Hrm. He cast a mental eye back over his last few thoughts and revised his self assessment to ‘moderately blood drunk’ instead. Mmmmaybe even more than that. Yet another thing he had no idea about before the best kidnapping ever happened to him. When you became a vampire some dark god should really provide you with a set of instructions. Honestly, it would be the least they could have done for him.

At least this was a pleasant surprise. Is this why Cazador was gorging himself on so many victims? Always demanding they bring back so bloody “haha…” many people? If so, that made the most sense of anything that insane bastard had ever done. As Astarion mused, the extreme amount of blood in his system blunted the spike of fear that would normally shoot through him at the thought of his former master.

Which meant he had plenty of fear in the tanks to draw from when he heard his name.

“Astarion is dangerous, Karlach, I’m just trying to look out for you.”

He had tuned everyone else out a while ago, deciding all their conversations were just more of the inane chatter that was typical at camp, but he was always always always primed to alert when someone said his name. It would often be the only warning he had that something horrible was about to happen to him. Not that he could ever stop the horrible thing, but it was at least nice to know it was coming.

“For fucks sake, Wyll, why are on you on this again?” Karlach raised her axe and slammed it down to split a log, resetting her position as Wyll swapped out the pieces for a fresh bit of wood.

ok that's a preview oh no a link again click it to see the rest

[lorei-writes]

Winter Flower

Chapter I: That Lost; That Found

Masamune x OC [Hana] Summary: Hana wakes up in the gardens of Azuchi castle without any recollection of her past. Who is she? What was she doing there? And most importantly – what is she supposed to do now? Placed under supervision of Lord Date, Hana has to find her footing in the unfamiliar reality of the warring states. Series Masterlist

And so, the story begins.

Content Warnings: memory loss

“It is the first time a woman fell with snow into the gardens of my castle.”

Once upon a time, there was a bird clad in night, its wings housing thousands of stars. Wherever it flew, it stole from the sky. It laughed at the impunity of its own crimes until its voice grew rasp… And just as it thought it’d never be caught, winds tore its feathers out. The bird fell silently, too proud to flap its useless wings or to call for help.

Sometimes I wonder, whether the bird couldn’t have been caged, and thus spared… And whether I wasn’t meant to live out its fate.

I do not remember who I was before I fell. Truth be told, I do not recall falling either, nor anything that followed soon after. The furthest my memory can stretch is… probably this morning, when a maid arrived to apply salve to my feet and hands, only to see that I’ve woken up. It burned as she massaged it in, but not more than once she asked for my name and I could not answer her. I do not know it. I haven’t known even my very own face, and when she brought me the mirror I asked for, I was no more familiar with myself than with her.

It’s been half a day since then. I’ve been told to wait, so I do, even though my body still hurts and, if I could, I’d rather not move. The corridor before me is neither narrow nor wide. Were I to describe it, I’d call it bland, as there is nothing in this space that catches my eyes… Except the sliding doors, although I’d rather not look their way. Whatever is waiting for me on the other side of them, it fills me with dread, the cold air seeping through them doing little to ease my anxieties. The skin on my hands is red and cracked. Cool only makes it itch worse, to the point where it’s hard to hold back from scratching them.

The door opens. My shoulders tense. A man taller than me by nearly a head stands in the way, hazelnut eyes staring at me with… worry? The fur over his collar shivers, ruffled by a chilly draught, but it is me who he seems more concerned about.

“How are your hands?” he asks, reaching for them. I cannot help but notice the bandages running up his forearms – and he stops in his tracks, perhaps made aware of my own distrust.

“They’re… itchy.”

It seems to be the most accurate way to describe them. His arms cross in front of his chest, his forehead creasing thoroughly.

“You’re lucky we found you early, otherwise –”

“Hideyoshi.”

The man looks over his shoulder, as if branded by the voice that came from inside the room. He glances towards me, and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Come in.”

I don’t object.

I don’t think I can.

The room appears spacious, although I don’t dare let my eyes wander. Four heads turn towards me, none of which I can recognise. I drag my feet over the mats covering the floor and up to the long table, to then be pointed to my seat. Hideyoshi leaves me by myself. He takes his place at the right of the carnelian-eyed man, then lounged past what could be considered polite. White haori barely manages not to fall down his back, and yet, somehow he does nothing to remedy the fact. His smile has the hairs on the nape of my neck stand up.

“It is the first time a woman fell with snow into the gardens of my castle.” He stares at me, but I cannot hold his gaze for long. His chin now points even higher as he rests it on the back of his hand. I nearly beg for the question to spill from his lips, fearing the time it will.

“I – I am sorry for intruding,” I stutter, a thin smile splitting the face of the snake-like person to his left. Hideyoshi glares at him, but he joins the conversation just regardless, his voice a low rumble.

“How was your rest, little one?”

“I’ve rested well. Thank you for your hospitality.” I bow my head.

“And pray tell, why were you there in the first place?” I could swear I’ve heard him hiss rather than say. When I straighten my back, they all stare at me, all more similar to shadows rather than humans.

“You did have some guts to sneak in,” Eyepatch lisps. Oh, thank you, I was not aware of how terrible my position is.

“Dumb. You meant it was dumb,” the Fuzzball next to me grumbles.

“It isn’t easy to trespass into Azuchi, though, lord Ieyasu. Most assassins do not make it this far.” Glasses smiles from next to the Eyepatch, opposite of both me and Fuzzball. I see nothing to be cheerful about, Glasses.

“Mitsunari, nobody in their right mind would even consider threatening lord Nobunaga in such a crude manner.” Now Hideyoshi is involved in this too. Great.

“Falling asleep in the snow is not the domain of the sane either,” Snake is gracious enough to notice. I think I may be a mouse about to get eaten.

“I’ve heard experiencing cold can strengthen one’s –”

“Silence,” Mr Confident cuts off Glasses. Our eyes meet, my throat growing tight. “Who are you?” he asks, seemingly amused by the chaos around. They all wait for my answer, but — But I —

“I don’t know.”

Eyepatch laughs a hearty laugh while Fuzzball rolls his eyes. Not even Hideyoshi seems convinced, although he glares at Snake when that grins.

“What is it that you go by?” Snake has seemingly made it his goal to embarrass me.

“I don’t know,” I repeat. Eyepatch leans on the table. I do not appreciate the look in his remaining eye, and for a moment, it does cross my mind that I could hurt him if he laughed again.

“What about Hokuro then?” he suggests.

“Hokuro?” I echo, more dumbfounded than displeased… Although just barely. He reaches over to poke the mole on my cheek.

“Hokuro,” he affirms, but I shift back in my place, before he can touch me again to further push his point.

“Masamune, behave yourself.” Hideyoshi scowls. Tell him, Hideyoshi. I don’t know who I am, but I am definitely not a Hokuro.

“Come on, the lass needs some name.”

Masamune, I wouldn’t trust you with naming a rock now. I do not like the look Snake gives me either – if I could, I’d gladly hide my head between my shoulders.

“Perhaps Hana would be to your liking, little one?” he hums, having me wonder whether there is anything wrong with my nose. I point towards it, thinking that he indeed could have it in mind… But he shakes his head, this thin smile appearing over his face again, fox-like eyes crinkling with amusement.

“You could be a nose-Hana if you insist, although I thought of flowers.”

Surprisingly nice. I nod shyly.

The lord of the castle shifts in his seat. If there is one thing my body knows at its very core, it is not to ever cross that man. His attention turns towards me, and although I do listen, I do not wish to provoke him. In any way.

“Stand up.”

I do.

“Come closer.”

Unfortunately, I do. Because I have to. My legs tremble slightly as I step towards him, awaiting further instructions.

“Sit,” he demands, and I comply. I clench my fist, I clench my jaw – I am not a dog. Do not talk to me like that. My head hangs low, but he grabs me by the chin and forces me to look at him. This time, I do not relent under his gaze. I am furious. Who does he think himself to be, to treat me like a pet?

“That’s a curious expression you have there, little one.” Snake reaches into the folds of his kimono. His fingers are long and slender, each donning a neatly trimmed nail. He sets two brown bottles in front of Nobunaga, both closed with a metal lid. “Care to explain those now?”

“I do not know what those are,” I struggle to speak, the hand holding my chin pushing it up too high.

“They were found among your belongings,” Nobunaga more so accuses than explains. “Prove your intent.”

He lets me go. My fingers tremble as they unscrew the lids on both bottles, and when I bring them closer to myself, I realise both of them contain some smaller than bite-sized tablets. As per habit I formed who knows when, I shake out exactly one out of each bottle and throw them into my mouth.

“Swallow.”

You’re quite the charmer, aren’t you, Nobunaga? My poignancy aside, I do as the lord of the castle demands. I cannot refuse him, or so I fear…

And I wait.

And we wait.

And wait… Wait… Wait…

Nothing happens. I’d breathe a sigh of relief if my body hasn’t already known this would happen. At most, I am a little drowsy, and somehow, in less pain.

“Should you take another one?” the Snake suggests.

“Dosage can be the difference between a medicine and a poison,” Fuzzball grumbles from the end of the table.

“Perceptive as always, Ieyasu.” Snake smiles towards me. Very well. I swallow another set of tablets, to no greater effect.

“Were you even listening to what I’ve just said?”

Snake still smiles, so I —

Hideyoshi stops my hand with his own. “That’s enough.” His brows furrow, the concerned gaze he’s had for me morphing into a glare as soon as it reaches the Snake. “If she takes too many and dies, it still won’t prove anything.”

“My, yet she has taken them of her own volition.”

I just glance between the men, my mind being too slow for any coherent thoughts to form. Nobunaga urges me to look at him again, but this time, I nearly melt into his hand. He laughs, but my eyes can’t sharpen anymore.

“Docile creature,” he calls me before returning his attention to the other men. “Masamune, you’re in charge of watching over her.”

“Sure thing.”

“You’re dismissed,” he says and pushes me away. Mildly drowsy, I only observe, all of the present lords raising to their feet. Hideyoshi hoists me by my shoulder, but I am too confused to oppose him.

A one-eyed shadow stands in front of me. I think I may lose my balance and fall, but the hand he puts on the small of my back steadies me enough to prevent that. There is something feral to his smile, and for a moment I am certain I can see him wearing fangs.

“Come on, lass. Easy does it,” Masamune murmurs as he leads me forward, down through the blank corridor, past the room I’ve woken up in earlier today… Further, outside the castle gates. Into the city. Thick capes of snow lay on the ground, and although I do not know where this premonition comes from, I am sure it is plenty more than what one should expect in this region. The chilly wind has my nose sting; my eyes water as I turn my head towards the sky. Now I am the traveller in a foreign land, even if just by the ruling of my currently empty mind.

I shiver when he pulls me closer to himself. Masamune smells of spice, of chilly wind and of something I can’t quite put my finger on. He is warm, the fact alone offering me some relief… But he is also a stranger, one who attempted to name me Hokuro to add to his offences.

My shoulders relax only once we reach his residence, and I am led away by a group of maids. The moment my futon is set out, I topple over, the land of dreams outstretching its arms to catch me. It is a pleasant embrace, one that erases my worries… Alongside with any recollection of what happened soon after I took the medicine. At least I think it was medicine.

--

Tag list: @lancelotscloak @violettduchess @the12thnightproject @oda-princess @tele86 @rinaririr

Series tag list: @cheese-ception @nuttytani

Last tag for the general tag list -- if you'd like to be added to the series tag list (or for that matter, any tag list of mine), please, do let me know :)

[kaylor]

Okay but I still feel like the fact that red is a random collection of songs is what makes it such a good album because she was in her early 20s and I personally don’t know a single person in their early 20s (including me lol) who wasn’t absolutely batshit crazy at any given moment. Like one second you’re high as you’ve ever been and nothing can stop you and the world is filled with happiness and the next you’re laying face down on the floor wondering where you went wrong and then 10 minutes later your friends show up to take you to a bar lmao (not saying you said it’s a bad album, I just feel like the randomness of red is what makes it RED) anyway I wrote my 10th grade essay on this lol

okay so first of all i do agree with you somewhat but this argument does annoy me a little because it's part of a wider trend of swifties telling people they "just don't get it" when they have valid criticism of taylor's music and her artistic choices. another example is "ootw is repetitive because it's about anxiety". like just because a choice was deliberate and purposeful does not mean it's going to resonate with everybody. people are allowed to dislike repetitive songs, regardless of whether it's symbolic of something. just because an artistic choice was purposeful, doesn't mean it was the right choice. however i would much rather artists make those deliberate choices (even if sometimes i don't vibe with them) because the alternative is worse.

red being a fucking mess because "that's just what your 20s is like" is not a good argument for it being a good album. yes absolutely it's reflective of the chaos of that time in her life, no it doesn't make for a good cohesive album experience. the randomness of it is in fact detrimental to its quality as a single piece of work, because that back half truly is just all over the place thematically. yeah it's relatable but that doesn't make it Good. just because taylor swift does something on purpose doesn't make it the objectively best choice and doesn't mean it can't be improved upon.

this is the tracklist i made that i think still reflects the chaos of a breakup in your 20s but is still a cohesive piece of work. cut the bloat, thematically unrelated songs relegated to bonus tracks. brought holy ground to the front where she belongs. introduction -> fallout -> dance break -> sadness -> acceptance. don't cry about track 5 crimes because i don't care about track 5 traditions at all ❤️

state of grace

red

holy ground

treacherous

i knew you were trouble

all too well

wanegbt

22

i almost do

sad beautiful tragic

everything has changed

begin again

bonus tracks

come back be here

the lucky one

starlight

[transenbyconfessions]

I just wanna get this off my chest… i feel so lonely and disconnected from other non-binary people (and trans folks in general tbh) recently, but not for the reasons you might expect?

bcuz for me being non-binary is freeing. it means being comfortable with who i am and not needing to prove it to people, it means dressing and acting like i want without worrying, and embracing the parts of our endless shared cultural history that feel “right” to me.

and don’t get me wrong; im not rly a super happy person. i’ve spent over a decade struggling with depression and its been really rough at times. but being non-binary has never caused that? instead its been a refuge, a reminder that I know who i am and am comfortable with that and can continue to discover new, happy things about myself.

but the thing that’s frustrating and makes me feel lonely, is that no matter where i go I can’t seem to find a non-binary space where people feel the way I do. its just endless person after person struggling with dysphoria, people who worry they aren’t non-binary enough bcuz of the way they look, people who are filled with dread and anxiety because the world is this hostile angry place to them.

when i see that part of me wants to help them, to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and cry and scream that it doesn’t have to be like that, that they have it all wrong and that this is a happy thing and that it can help them feel safe and peaceful and make their world a better place! they don’t have to feel validated or invalidated by other people, the rest of the world doesn’t have to acknowledge them because they are who they are, and the very nature of existence protects that.

but the rest of me is just tired bcuz i’ve tried. i’ve tried to be a source of positivity and happiness - but most of the time my words don’t reach people and they just get upset.

they probably feel im invalidating them and their feelings, and that means i probably am, and that just makes me feel worse.

and even when someone does hear me, it never feels like they really believe me or get it. it just feels like im performing mental health triage on an endless tide of broken hearts and empty spirits. and its exhausting.

that’s what makes it so lonely. i feel like im trapped in all this bitterness and despair and just want to find a place with people who feel the same way i do. other people who find being non-binary a joyful, comforting thing, who love to play with gender in their fashion and have fun with their voices, who revel in the fundamental humanity of what we are and have seen the light and joy the future can hold, even if its sometimes hidden behind clouds! people who hear me say things and go “omgg same tho!!!” and then share their own stories, and I can see myself in their stories too and feel that special spark you get when someone else understands a thing that is very deeply important and connected to who I am!

only i can’t seem to find any place like that. and i have precious, wonderful friends who listen to me and can empathize, but they don’t quite get it. either they aren’t non-binary or their experience with their gender is different enough from mine that a gap is left that i can never quite cross.

so that joyful special part of me that i want to share just kinda. sits there. and tries to keep being positive and happy despite the fact that they feel like they’re unwanted and useless and incomprehensible to binary and non-binary genders both.

it sounds really sad when I put it like that, huh?

Submitted March 20, 2023

[undercoverpena]

Hey there, I truly admire your openness about your anxiety, and I was wondering if you could offer any tips or techniques that have helped you, especially in the context of being active on this platform. Love your work!

tw: anxiety

hi anon! thank you so much, that's really nice of you. i deffo think i could be more open about it, but it's nice that I've been able to be open enough for you to reach out. i'm sorry it took me a day or two to get back to you, i just wanted to make sure i thought up/over things so i was being as helpful as possible! it's important for me to stress that my situation and my anxiety isn't going to be like everyone else's, and how i cope with it isn't like the "go to". but here are some things that help me (i am not claiming that any of these i came up):

creating a rainy day folder: bad days are a thing for everyone, but i know what things put me in a "stormier" frame of mind, and what i'm critical about. so, when things make me smile (comments, nice reblogs, tags, inbox, dms) i screenshot them and pop them in this folder. and when i need an extra boost (or some proof to fire back at my brain that it's wrong) i spend a bit of time in there. as it's me, it's highly organised HA! but, it deffo helps having the folder, and its reminded me, at times, why i love what i do here.

celebrate with cake: i'm a high-functioning person, who has super low self-esteem. for a good portion of my life (an embarrassingly large portion, honestly) good accomplishments were not celebrated. so, now i make a point to celebrate certain things with food (or books, if I'm reading a lot). one thing I've learnt with my anxiety is that it's easy to get into a cycle, and one way of breaking this is to stop and take the time to realise the milestones I've accomplished or how far I've come. just the other day, i took a walk to the shop and grabbed myself a chocolate bar. a year ago, i wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that by myself. and it's important to recognise those achievements when you've had a hard time. i also recommend everyone gets themselves cake when they finish a series (it's the rules, i swear).

learn about yourself: i'm going to be brutally honest and hope this doesn't bite me on the arse, but there are a lot of times i don't really like myself? i don't see the value i offer, i feel like i let people down, etc etc. it used to be worse, and one of the ways that helped me go from every day i didn't like myself to occasionally disliked myself, is by educating myself on me. I've spent a lot of time making myself small to fit in, I've done things others are into so i fit in to the point i wasn't sure who i was. so, when i had a menty-b (the name i call it), i sat with myself and learnt what i liked. music. movies. clothing. passions. hobbies. i have always written, but i wasn't necessarily writing things i loved. so, i changed it. i dated myself (a term lots of people use). i told my husband i was going to spend Friday nights with myself, and i did something i wanted to do. on my own. and in time, that helped with my anxious feelings and my fears about being online. because i spend a lot of time worrying about what people think, but by dating myself i could learn nice things about me - and that way, had things i could tell myself i knew were true: that i'm actually very nice, kind and really funny. it might not making pressing 'post" easier, but i can hold my chin a little higher?

set yourself a goal of happiness: we're all motivated by different things. sometimes, we make a mental goal to ourselves and it becomes blurred and distorted in numbers. but, if your anxiety (like mine) likes to have a thing to measure itself against, choose something that isn't numbers based, but happiness based. did someone tell you this month that your writing/art/gifs made their day? did something you say make them feel better? it's hard, it really is, and i know there will be people reading this and scoffing, but truthfully, one person telling me something i wrote made their day is all a jo really fucking wants. because i'm going to write regardless, it's a choice i make to share it. so, while i gave examples above, that isn't my current goal, but it was a goal i had, and as long as i try to remind myself of that it helps.

which leads me into, try to stay away from the numbers game which i know is hard. but it does nothing for an anxious mind. like, it's a fickle thing. moods change. don't base your worth on a number, you matter far more than it.

accept it's a part of you: this one is more about me, but since you're asking me i thought this is probably allowed. i have a long-term anxiety disorder - which took a long time to get diagnosed - and i have some other little... things that come with that. and for a long time, i felt broken. but, i was reading a self-help book (because your girl loves reading books about brains) and i realised that i have anxiety. it is already part of me. so i need to work with it. anxiety isn\t nice, it's not kind and it's really annoying. but it also makes me empathetic, it makes me care about the work i do (both here and in my day to day life), or makes me compassionate. whether you have it short term or long term, sometimes it's better to accept it's there, acknowledge it, but DON'T FEED IT. have the worries, and then halt them, tell them no. I've found fighting it before I've got the strength doesn't help me. but, waking up, knowing it's there, nodding at it helps keep it in check. this might not make any sense, but, you know.

and finally, the one i'm still working on is: i cannot fix everything and this is fun, so i need to ensure it stays that way for me. which i know isn't really a tip. but it's a good thing to remember. i am one person, it is not on me to check on every single person. it isn't on me to read every single thing. i don't have to engage with things i don't agree with, i don't have to say all my opinions. i can change fandoms. i can not post for a day/week/month. and all i have to do, if i want to, is offer my absolute best. that's it. it's hard. and it's tough to swallow. but sometimes, a jo just needs to be jo.

i am not sure if my rambling has been helpful, but i thought i could list these: plot your fic, find a buddy to talk about things with, surround yourself with good people. but I've said all of these. but the above are things i can do by myself. they are things i can control. and with anxiety, we're all just looking for the things we can manage, and so i based the list in that way. thank you for coming to my jo-talk, i'm going to go hide from being so vulnerable.

[fangbangerghoul]

What Did I Get Myself Into?

My Time at Sandrock Fem!Builder Ghoul x Owen Builder Ghoul finds herself wondering around town looking for more work and dealing with a bit of guilt from her last hangout with dreamy Owen. WC: 1094 (I allowed a little leeway for the last chapter) Chapter 3: Why Do You Eat So Much Jerky? (WDYESMJ?)

Chapter 3 of Ghoul and Owen shenanigans! The chapter is below the cut but as always feel free to give it a look and some attention with the Ao3 link in the title!

Soon I will make a My Time at Sandrock fic masterpost!

Chapter 3: WDYESMJ?

It had been a cruel week of crafting and building but what made the week so unusually dense was the heavy thoughts that loomed within Ghoul’s mind. She felt incredibly guilty when Owen and her ended their hang out for the day without doing anything truly fun or exciting. She remembered apologizing before he left for his saloon for the evening.

“If you’re trying to make people happy, then its not a waste of time. What I mean is, don’t worry, today wasn’t that bad.” He had meant to soothe her but she felt the opposite.

Most of her commissions were caught up for the day so Ghoul found herself aimlessly wandering around the town. Sometimes the Sandrockians would just run up to her with requests or in need of help and it would keep her busy. The sun hung just a tad low as the time moved forward and she could feel the heat of the day start to evaporate with the on coming evening. Ghoul’s feet slowly led her around the town, looking at Fang’s medicine table, hearing the mechanical noises that came out of Qi’s research center, and she even swore she saw Mi-an run circles around her in town as she leisurely walked.

She was passing by the Blue Moon Saloon and she found herself biting the bottom of her lip. Ghoul was at war with herself on whether she wanted to speak to Owen again but before she could convince herself to walk away from the saloon the doors swung open. There stood Owen casting a shadow that blocked the sun from Ghoul’s eyes. His broad shoulders and tall figure reminded her of the mountains that were covered in mist and fog on the horizon. It was as if his ears were ringing and he needed to see for himself why.  

“Builder! There you are!” His enthusiastic nature was slightly soothing to the anxiety she felt that cramped her stomach. “I was just about to walk over to your shop to come ask you a question.”

“Oh, hello.” Ghoul dragged her left foot in the dirt back at forth, a slight distraction from the static that clouded her mind. It was nice to know that even if their time spent together was probably the worse, he still sought her company.

“Yes hello! Where are my manners?” Owen’s hands moved as he spoke and it made his already large build take up more space but she did not mind how close it brought him. “Are you hungry?”

She blinked a few times at the question. Ghoul always thought it was peculiar how often he offered her food. It made her look down at herself for a moment in wonder if perhaps she looked as if she was starving.

“I suppose.” She responded softly with hesitance. She didn’t want to be rude and there wasn’t a real reason to deny his offer. Owen smiled as wide as his face, excited at her response. He seemed to really like it when she told him some form of yes. He reached into his back pocket and a pink fabric fell from where he held it in his hand, displaying am apron fit to her size and on the middle of it a sewn in graphic of a black cat ears, a white nose, and some whiskers. Ghoul’s eyes widened in surprise from the grand display of the item.

“Good, I thought to give you a cooking lesson today.” He said with confidence and it sounded like he had been planning this for quite some time. “I’ve noticed the absurd amount of jerky you devour. So, I thought why does she eat so much jerky? Then I thought maybe you would enjoy to know how to make something more…. substantial. You are always out in the sun. You need something heavier on your stomach than jerky.”

He led the way this time around after Ghoul put on the apron that he had gifted her. She tried to explain that it was unnecessary because she was already in her workers uniform but he would have none of it. They made it to his renovated kitchen and there were already some things that were being cooked down. Ghoul was smacked with the deliciousness that filled the air. The counters and stove were cleaned waiting for them both along with a few ingredients that were set up on the kitchen island. She was in awe with how everything was so perfectly set up and she felt the familiar flush peek itself out on her cheeks.

“How does pasta sound?” Owen’s hand gestured at the ingredients and kitchen utensils that were on display. He was standing still but she swore there was a jitteriness to him that could have been from excitedness or nervousness. “I kept thinking about how much you enjoyed the last meal we shared so I thought, why not show her how to make it at home?”

“This is very…thoughtful of you.” She struggled to get the words out but it seemed what she said was taken well. Ghoul then nodded, adding a smile. “I think pasta sounds good.”

Owen immediately started to take the ingredients out and show her the measurements that he was putting into the bowl. He was combining both parts of the lesson and some old stories he liked to tell into it. Laughing and urging her to come closer so she could get her hands just as dirty. Ghoul followed his instructions to a tee and when it was time to roll out the pasta, he showed her one time then made her attempt it herself. Owen was stirring the cooked down tomatoes and watching her with an endearing smile. He was enjoying watching her as flour covered the front of her apron and the frustrated little faces she’d make when the rolling pin would slip. There was even a moment where when she was rolling it slipped and the force from her pushing didn’t stop and her face ended up in some of the flour. Ghoul let out a joyful laugh to Owen’s surprise and then he walked over to get behind her to aid her in the final set of pasta.

His arms were slightly above hers and his chest pressed into her back as he rolled the pasta with her, slow and steady. The small tutorial made the kitchen rise in heat by two more degrees for Ghoul and even though she knew her face was flushed she still smiled back into his blue eyes in joy.

[catboyidia]

sorry if you're getting SPAMMED with omega Genesis asks, BUT. your baby fever post got me thinking.

what would Genesis be like while pregnant. how would Angeal/Seph be around him (I imagine when Angeal found out he was just absolutely weeping while Sephiroth stood there processing with this face: 😀)

lots of love!! ♥️♥️♥️

ah no don’t worry! i’m not minding it all! if anything i’m actually kinda surprised my interpretation of it is liked enough that i have gotten multiple asks about it :) if anything i’m just more worried i won’t be able to answer the way people want lol <3

as for my thoughts on how genesis is during the pregnancy:

- definitely the ultra emotional type, he will cry over everything whether it be happy, sad, or angry

- more clingy than usual, and he needs near constant love and support from angeal and sephiroth

- all of his insecurities and anxieties kick into total overdrive, especially the further into the pregnancy he gets, furthering his need for support from angeal and sephiroth, which also makes him feel worse because he hates the feeling of bothering them by always needing reassurance

- closer to the end of his pregnancy he’s not able to be as independent as he would like, and he absolutely hates it, not because he dislikes having angeal and sephiroth’s help, but because he hates needing to be so dependent on them, and at times he feels almost guilty for it

- but sometimes he is also just so fed up with being pregnant, or angeal or sephiroth will do something he doesn’t like, and he will make angeal or sephiroth do things for him with the excuse of “you’re the ones who did this to me, its the least you can do” just to be petty

- he gets ridiculous cravings, except half the time it’s for inedible things

- he gets ultra protective over his unborn baby and does everything in his power to keep it as safe as possible, and is constantly worried about the babys wellbeing

and as for angeal and sephiroth:

- finding out genesis was pregnant, i also definitely think angeal was super emotional, like the most emotional any of them have ever seen angeal, and it’s the best moment of his life

- angeal immediately goes into full dad mode though, and he is the dream “will do absolutely anything for genesis and their unborn baby” husband kind of guy

- sephiroth definitely takes a little longer to process it, and he definitely has much more he needs to learn about pregnancy and whatnot, but he’s just as happy as angeal (even though he doesn’t show it like angeal)

- sephiroth definitely tries to be as supportive as he can possibly be for genesis though, even if he’s unsure how exactly he’s supposed to go about it

- while angeal obviously does a lot for genesis, i feel like the things sephiroth does to try to help genesis are a lot more subtle, just small things that in the long run make life easier for genesis

- angeal is just as protective over the unborn baby as genesis is, to the point he refuses to let genesis do a lot of things in worry something might go wrong and it’ll hurt genesis or the baby

- angeal and sephiroth try their best to keep genesis comfortable, which gets harder the longer the pregnancy goes on, but neither of them mind doing whatever it takes, even if it inconveniences them

- neither of them ever complains about needing to do things for genesis, or needing to comfort genesis, even if sometimes they do get a little tired of it

- i think surprisingly, not only does genesis get super clingy, but angeal and sephiroth do too, the three become more inseparable than usual

- they both commonly cuddled genesis while subconsciously resting their hands on genesis’ stomach, which also meant eventually they would feel the baby kicking, and the first time sephiroth felt it i think he probably looked like a confused kid at first, wondering if it was supposed to do that, but after having it explained to him they got to see a rare sephiroth smile! and when angeal first felt it, i think he immediately got super giddy about it (and i’m entirely convinced angeal is the type to kiss genesis’ stomach and try to talk to the baby)

[thebookishwitch]

So I've been trying out some weed/CBD lately and I cannot overstate the effect it's had on my mental health for the better

I'm a naturally very anxious person. Add on being AuDHD in a NT world and it's infinitely worse.

And sometimes I forget just how anxious I really am.

I got high a few weeks ago. And at first I was really anxious about it. I had some health issues that have left me really wary of mind altering substances and it's made me avoid drinking or getting high for a few years now.

But it was like someone hit a reset button on my brain. For those few hours I wasn't anxious. At all. It was like I could breathe again.

I talked with my therapist about it and she was incredibly supportive. Even going so far as to make a few recommendations for things I could try on a regular basis.

Guys. I want to draw again. I haven't wanted to draw in MONTHS. I want to read again. I am 200 pages into The Ballad of Snongbirds and Snakes and its just been 8 hours of me reading.

I feel like I can live again. Like I can take a break from all the anxious overwhelming thoughts for a few hours a week and it's a long enough break that it gives my brain room to rest. Truly rest.

I didn't realize how much of a zombie I had become. I didn't realize how much the CONSTANT anxiety and stress was getting to me.

It's such a wonderful feeling to have interests again. To have the energy and drive to engage with those interests.