#suicide m

[support]

Everything okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. For 24/7 peer support and other resources, message KokoBot on Tumblr.

If you are in the United States, please try:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) The Trevor Project (LGBTQ youth, ages 13-24) National Eating Disorders Association (online chat, text) RAINN (National Sexual Assault Hotline)

If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find resources for your country.

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[plounce]

the thing is. ryne was not suicide ideating solely because thancred was a bad guardian to her. that was a mindset she had literally as long as she can remember, one that was beaten into her by ran'jit and vauthry telling her that she would be better off dead. thancred (due to his trauma + emotional constipation + daughter-based trolley problem) does not manage to heal this mindset in her by the time we meet them in 5.0 (to be frank this would be an uphill battle for most caretakers, even ones who don't have the significant enotional shortcomings thancred has), but what does allow her to stand up to ran'jit is the freedom thancred provided her. she isn't sure if she deserves to live, but she wants to live in the world that she has traveled in. she doesn't want to be put back in that cell. she doesn't know if she's perfect, if she's the "best" minfilia, but she wants to see the world and live as part of it, even if it's scary, even if she hates herself and thinks she's worthless. she wants to see the sky and the trees and to help the people she loves. certain parts of ryne's arc hit me really hard (as someone who was a suicide-ideating teenage girl, and is now... no longer a teenage girl) and this sort of... "incomplete" personal resolution works for me. she managed to scrape out the smallest handhold of wanting to live, but it's enough. it's enough to keep her from giving up on her life. the smallest handhold is enough to hold onto, always. that's the miracle. "to live is to suffer", to quote hydaelyn, but "wanting to see what tomorrow will bring," to quote gaia, is enough. the vast majority of people who attempt regret it, and are glad they failed/didn't go through. you don't need to be convinced your life has worth in order to keep living. this got off-track and a bit personal hahaha, but she's my daughtermelon and her story hits hard. im glad she's happy and thriving, and so is thancred (another person who hates themself and wants to die but refuses to do anything but survive), and so is ryne.

[bigboobyhalo]

biggest starhalo issue is sex for etoiles is PVP (badboyhalo avoids PVP with etoiles like the plague) and sex for badboyhalo is find the button (find the button makes etoiles want to kill himself)

[samble-moved]

i thought you guys were joking when you said the staff imply that people being "mean" in feedback is responsible for them being suicidal. are you serious. it was real. they left the comment up publicly??

[lovesby]

december blue early (SBY, december 2023)

[Text, in all caps: I kill myself via inaction and then find myself awake on a Saturday morning while snow falls unthinkingly to melt on the pavement outside and I look at my sweaty and god-given palms and wonder what a strange and terrible blessing it is to be alive.]

[librarycards]

have you read alexandre baril's "Suicidism: A new theoretical framework to conceptualize suicide from an anti-oppressive perspective"? it was a really powerful read for me as a suicidal person & the first (and tbh only) place I've seen someone discuss suicidal people as an oppressed group and not as people who need their autonomy taken away & any complaints they have abt treatment should be ignored

Haha indeed I have! Baril is a close colleague, coauthor, and former research advisor of mine. I helped him compile resources for that article while it was a WIP, so suffice it to say I’m very familiar. And yes, it’s a crucial intervention into a largely taboo part of disability / Mad discourse, and has been hugely influential on my thinking around disorderly eating too.

[dateamonster]

having watched nope, logan pauls tirade on twitter is sooo much funnier now. jordan peele rly said exploitation for the sake of spectacle will have you selling yours and other peoples trauma back to them in a neverending cycle until the day it kills you and logan "filmed a real dead body in a forest famous for suicides" paul was like

except additionally he had the AW DA CITY to claim that the movie painstakingly explaining this point to him was bad and didnt make any sense PLEASE BOY

[switchcase]

I've been struggling with living day to day after being SA'd and finding reasons to live. How do you have the motivation for life and recovery after surviving so much?

I'll be very honest with you. The answer is primarily that killing yourself is incredibly difficult. Most suicide methods have a high rate of failure. And failure comes with a lot of side effects.

In lieu of that, my options are: 1) be miserable for whatever time I have left or 2) attempt to carve my own life out of the shit I've been handed. Of course, it's not as easy as this sentence makes it sound, and there are certainly times where I have been both miserable and trying at the same time or just miserable. Also, I personally find my symptoms to be largely annoying and exhausting, and I would rather not be annoyed and exhausted, so I find ways to manage my symptoms.

As far as meanings, you can find little meanings everywhere, but they are all specific to you. You can say for example that you want to live long enough to finish this book. Or live long enough to learn a new skill. Live long enough to see if going on this date will be fun. Etc. It doesn't have to be a grandiose or long lasting purpose, though it certainly can. It doesn't have to positive--I survived out of spite for a long while.

Community and friends can help but the kicker is that you have to actually care about them. If you hang around other people without caring about them, you will be frustrated and feel lonelier because they have their own feelings and will not just cater to you. I've watched people do this and no matter how many people they surround themselves with they are not happy because they're bouncing from person to person trying to get something from them that you can only get through actual human connection. And people can eventually tell when you don't care about them, and they will not want to be your friend.

Probably not the philosophically deep answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps. I hope it eases soon.

[crimeronan]

[forgetting i went to bed with a migraine and probably woke up still having a migraine] i'm gonna break up with my entire polycule drive to the coast find a rip tide and let the cold january sea take me in its violent frothing jaws. there is no other way to solve any of my problems.

[saturnmortis]

I feel like people aren’t talking about this enough

[cannabisbutch]

Idk how to describe to able bodied ND people how fucking painful it is to see you stomp all over the cpunk community like this. The creator of cripplepunk was the first person i ever met w (one of) my disabilities, and the severness of said disabilities includinf the one we share led them to end their life. And to see y'all say that their principles of the movement THEY FUCKING CREATED are wrong is so violent i cant describe it. Fuck all of you

[eyeballcommander]

Hey remember when Bishop Percival dipped his hand in my wound and drank it? That was fun.

An-y-ways if any watchdogs-- especially soldiers-- give blood at the Glornists' blood drives I will kill you. This is not an empty threat.

If you gave blood before that bastard lapped up my blood you're fine I guess. Still an idiot who fueled their shady rituals for cookies or whatever. Can't really remove liabilities there without throwing myself out the airlock...

[dappersautismcreature]

if waystones are permanently disabled im killing myself

[bigboobyhalo]

from liveblogs it sounds like q!BBH did not just pass on the cannibalism to cellbit but also the whole “killing yourself for what you perceive to be the greater good” thing . he could not have had a worse mentor

[samble-moved]

god is a fourteen year old girl who committed a quasi altruistic suicide for all of magical-girlkind. her (angel?) secretaries are another fourteen year old girl who's also a mermaid and an elementary schooler who's really into cheese, who is known for decapitating another girl. god's girlfriend became the devil after being trapped for over a decade in a timeloop, and she likes lizards and teeth.

[loverbomb]

before he became Psyche, Akira Collins was once a normal, boring human, born to a normal, boring family. but he was antisocial, and a budding misanthrope from a very young age. he had no friends as a child. instead, he would seemingly mind his own business, keeping quietly to himself as he watched, and studied, and memorized every detail of his classmate's lives.

by the time he was in middle school, he'd learned how to manipulate those around him, peers and adults alike, to get nearly anything he wanted. he learned the value of all that information he'd memorized, finding how easy it was to turn people against each other, how easy it was to sow seeds of chaos.

by high school, he had a hushed reputation for obtaining anything anyone could ask for. alcohol, drugs, weapons, test answers, sex. how this quiet, antisocial loser made so many shady connections was a mystery. when he found himself under investigation, Collins didn't bat an eyelash about framing an innocent student, going so far as to wave jovially as he watched the newly turned 18 year old sent off to prison for major drug crimes he never committed.

within a matter of only a few short years, Collins had made a name for himself as an infamous information broker working in Las Vegas under the cover of private investigator. though he would quickly come to an unofficial affiliation with one of these crime families, the truth is Collins didn't really see sides: he'd sell anything to anyone for the right price. he didn't care if these Fairy drugs were toxic to the humans they were pushed onto, he hated humans anyway! hated that he was one of them! especially now that he knew what else was out there!!

for a while, he felt like he was on top, with the Vargas crime family in one hand, and the police in the other!!

one day, he was supposed to make arrangements for a hit for the Vargas family: one of his paid associates would blockade the doors to the home of a cop investigating the family and burn it down, trapping the officer and his fiancée inside and sending a message to anyone else who wanted to cross the Vargas name.

Collins' information was sound. he checked his sources, replayed that night over in his giant brain a million times, over and over till it drove him mad. it had to be the associate who made the mistake. who burned down the wrong home, killing an innocent family and their 3 young daughters.

for the first time in his life, Collins felt remorse. and it ate him alive.

he had never been one to drink to excess, but now no amount of liquor could drown the thoughts and feelings. could stop him from thinking about his own younger sisters, the only people on earth he hadn't outright hated. what if it had been them? what if they knew what he'd become?

months passed, and Collins became a shell of the aloof narcissist he'd been. even taking his frustrations out on the careless associate did nothing to ease his guilt. until one day, Collins found himself standing at the edge of the roof of the Fairy's Fortune hotel and casino.

the story should have ended there. but it didn't.

a waiter coming to the roof for a smoke break just happened to find the young informant, shivering on that ledge. he approached him with a kindness Collins wasn't used to. he offered him his jacket and a cigarette, and managed to talk the other man down. before they went their separate ways, the bar tender, a man by the name of Tsukishima Heiwajima, had demanded to put his number in Collins's phone, made him promise he would let him know when he got home safe.

the two would start to see each other after that. casual and cautious friends at first, until Collins felt something else he'd never experienced before. but he learned something else about Tsukishima: bartending wasn't his career.

the reality, as Collins would find out quickly through his network of information, was that his new friend was an investigative reporter who had taken that service job as a means to get closer to the family that owned the hotel. the Vargas family.

Collins would do everything in his power to try and talk Tsukishima out of his article. at the same time, he considered ways to cut ties with the family and leave his shady past behind him.

in the end it wouldn't matter.

once word got out that their favorite asset, the informant who knew everything about everyone, was in bed with the press, they decided to cut ties with him first.

Collins walked into Tsukishima's apartment to find a horrible, bloody crime scene. and once again, everything inside of him dried up. once his crying and stopped and his breathing calmed, Collins, or the shell that once was, dragged himself up the stairs to the roof. and this time, there wouldn't be a kind hearted bartender to stop him.

but the next morning, Collins woke up to the hot, desert sun shining over him, and a splitting headache.

for all the vast information at his disposal, he had no idea how he'd survived the 9 story drop, the only clue being the deep, ugly scar that now split his face. but he would go on to try again.

and again.

and again.

and again.

over and over, destroying himself more completely each time, only to wake up some time later as if nothing had happened. no new scars ever form, aside from that one down his forehead that never seemed to fade.

eventually, suicide would get boring. he would accept there was no point to trying, it would never stick. but he also started to realize, maybe he could put this new curse to some use. he could bring down the Vargas family without fear! hunt them down, onw by one. not just them, but all of the gangsters polluting the city. maybe the world!

but as far as he was concerned, Akira Collins had died that night. it took him a while to find the perfect moniker for himself, and to build the personality to match. eventually he would draw inspiration from the defunct and dilapidated combination chapel and retro love motel he'd made a home in, adopting the tacky aesthetic of hot pink and hearts and the name Psyche.

what he didn't know, and still doesn't to this day, is that he wasn't the only one who woke up the next morning.