#that i dont know anything that ive been wrong this entire time and ill be completely shut out

[deoidesign]

please take as much time as you need to rest and recover. burn out is so hard and takes so much to heal from. your art and your supporters will still be here when you get back :) take care <3

Thank you very much

Unfortunately, my situation doesn't really allow me to take the time I need. I've got a ~two month hiatus scheduled for my midseason, but much like my first hiatus I'll most likely be working double time during it...

It's unfortunate because I could really really use a bigger break!

Having the time and flexibility to work on other projects really fires me up and keeps me going, and being able to take a guilt free day off for family and friends is necessary to my mental health, and I've been having to turn people down lately...

This is a very kind message, and I'm sorry to vent in response! But I just feel transparency about the pressure I'm under is necessary and important. I'd love to take the time I really need, but due to deadlines and that pesky "needing money to live" I can't.

But, once the series is over I intend to take a pretty big break before I start whatever I'm doing next! I've got so many short stories and projects planned that I want so badly to get to, I can't wait to really get to truly dive in to them!

[eggthew]

jesus I can't shake the feeling that I've done Wrong, that I've done something unforgiven or that I'm somewhere I'm not meant to be and it's only a matter of time before everyone starts realising and kicking me out

[somefisher]

Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time

[damagedcoda6669]

hiiiii!!!! i was wondering if u could share some of the most common to least common bpd symptoms?….and maybe ones u struggle with??? <:3

ive been thinking i have bpd for awhile,, (since i was 15,i’m almost 18 now) BUT i dont wanna self diagnose bc i don’t wanna offend anyone……is that offensive? to self diagnose? idek <:p

there isnt rlly least 2 most common, bpd is a spectrum and has a wide range of experiences!!! but i will list the diagnostic criteria 4 u, and explain it in a way some1 first learning abt bpd can understand ^w^

u must experience at least 5 of the 9 symptoms from the criteria in order 2 be diagnosed!!!

1: frantic efforts 2 avoid real or imagined abandonment; this does not include suicidal or self mutilating behavior covered in criteria 5.

this means an intense fear of abandonment. if u have bpd, being abandoned by those u love is most likely ur biggest fear. ik its mine!!! xD this can look like a number of things. this can include an avoidant attachment style, pushing ppl away becuz u feel a need 2 abandon them first b4 it happens 2 u. u might do the opposite and cling rlly hard. u might resort 2 manipulation tactics n threats 2 try 2 get them 2 stay even if its not in their best interest (not every1 w bpd does this, and not every1 w bpd doing this is doing it on purpose. ive done this in the past b4 i reflected on my own behavior and realized it was wrong. we r not abusers by default and we dont have bad intentions.) u might beg them 2 stay, promise them things, try 2 change urself 4 them, yell at them 4 wanting 2 leave. its terrifying what the fear might do 2 u.

2: a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes of idealization and devaluation.

this ones pretty simple, consistently unstable relationships throughout ur life!!! but it might get a lil confusing at "extremes of idealization and devaluation", so ill try 2 explain that using a term from the bpd community, "splitting". splitting is when u switch from one extreme view of a person, object, character, pretty much anything, 2 the opposite. it USUALLY means going from loving some1 2 hating them, but it can mean the opposite (hating 2 loving), and it can apply 2 anything, not just a person. a good example of splitting is when ur fp (favorite person, another term from the bpd community) disagrees with u abt smth, or u see them hanging out with other ppl, u mightve viewed them as perfect b4 and now u feel an intense hatred and can only see them as a bad person. 2 other ppl, experiencing such a drastic change in perception over smth so small is seen as ridiculous, but rlly its entirely valid. its part of the disorder, its okay.

3: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self.

u dont rlly know who u r a lot of the time, u dont have a strong sense of identity, if any at all. u might change styles often, change the way u talk, the jokes u make, ur beliefs, ur interests, ur hobbies. u might find urself basing ur entire personality on those around u. a common experience is that when ur favorite person or favorite ppl leave u, u dont know who u r anymore, becuz ur entire sense of self was mirrored from them. its like being a chameleon, but ur constantly mirroring other ppl, and ur nevr rlly ur own person.

4: impulsivity in at least two areas that r potentially self damaging (the examples listed in the DSM-5 include spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating, but i will provide moar examples!!!); this does not include suicidal or self mutilating behavior covered in criteria 5.

this ones also pretty simple!!! but personally i find that i become moar impulsive while in a bad headspace, or while im having a bpd episode/suicidal outburst. moar impulsive actions may include property damage, physical fights, running away, cutting contact with ppl, getting in contact with ppl who u know r dangerous, etc. those r all i could think of off the top of my head and they may not be the best examples, srry!!! :(

5: recurrent suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, or self mutilating behavior.

i would like 2 say that self harm doesnt just mean cutting!!! self harm includes burning, hitting, ripping out hair, picking at skin, stabbing, and many moar. personally ive always been a cutter and i started when i was 9 or 10, but i want every1 2 know that all self harm is valid and this is a safe space 2 discuss it. im not gonna make any1 feel ashamed of it <3 also!!! suicidal threats and gestures may come across as manipulative, but that is almost NEVR our intention. we may act out in suicidal ways becuz its the only thing that gets us any sort of attention or care that we desperately need. i dont give a shit abt "ew theyre threatening suicide 4 attention, lets ignore them" becuz attention is a basic human need, and some1 threatening suicide REGARDLESS of their intentions is always a concern. whether its a call 4 help or not, they need help. dont disregard their mental health becuz their suicidal ideation doesnt present in an "acceptable" manner. all suicidal ideation, IS suicidal ideation. whether its passive, 4 attention, active w a plan, its all valid and requires attention and care.

6: affective instability due 2 a marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely moar than a few days)

intense mood swings!!! u can feel happy one moment, and then switch 2 being depressed or anxious, and then go back 2 "normal" 10 minutes later. sometimes it just happens 4 no reason!!! absolutely fucking sucks

7: chronic feelings of emptiness.

this one is hard 2 explain and can mean varying things 4 different ppl. 4 me, it means i will never be happy in the long term (maybe with medication, but.. rawdogging life? bad idea) nothing gives me any sort of long term joy and i dont feel like i have a purpose. its like theres a hole in my chest that will nevr be filled. nothing will make me complete.

8: inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)

angy

(also not every1 w bpd gets in2 physical fights or r angry at other ppl often, some ppl r moar angry at themselves)

9: transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

paranoia is a symptom of bpd!!! although its shortlived in nature, and as stated above, stress related. dissociative symptoms can also present in a variety of ways!!! u can present with a fractured sense of self which may actually lead 2 u developing headmates iirc, but with them usually appearing as other versions of urself. or u might just dissociate due 2 stress or ur brain wanting 2 remove traumatic memories, 4 me dissociating feels like the whole world is fuzzy and blurry and i cant form any thoughts or emotions. i have dissociative amnesia and experience memory loss when this happens, which sucks becuz i dissociate at least once everyday. my memories r incredibly spotty and unreliable, its liek my brain is made of swiss cheese!!!

personally, i experience all of the symptoms from the diagnostic criteria, and they all effect my life on a daily basis. but that isnt 2 say that u need all of them in order 2 have bpd, as i said b4, u only need at least 5!!! there r also different types of bpd (not medically, theyre labels created by the bpd community) look in2 it if u resonate with some of the symptoms but not all of them!!! a lot of ppl who suspect they have bpd but dont present in a stereotypical way often relate 2 the term "quiet bpd", i recommend looking in2 it!!!

self diagnosis is entirely valid, and most of the ppl who r offended by it r neurotypical or they dont have the disorders that ppl r self diagnosing with. it stems mostly from ableism towards autistic ppl, specifically autistic ppl who self diagnose becuz they know theyre autistic but dont have the resources/time 2 get a diagnosis from a professional. if u believe ur borderline, and u've done ur research, i believe u. self diagnosis is not actually offensive 2 those who have mental disorders, im pretty sure the bpd community is accepting of self diagnosis!!! and if u cant find a community of ppl who r accepting of ur self diagnosis, just know that i believe u and this is a safe space 4 self diagnosis and ppl w bpd :3

bpd is also incredibly hard 2 get diagnosed with. its one of the most stigmatized disorders and often mental health professionals have a bias against it. sometimes, professional diagnosis is not an option 4 us. i knew i had bpd 4 years b4 i was able 2 get diagnosed. good luck!!!!

[turnin9pag3]

sigh.

i think im a james potter kinnie in the most shameful way possible because yes i relate to being social and having lots of friends but more than that i relate to feeling like you’re constantly doing either too much or not enough and people lose interest in me and i feel like shit because what did i fuck up but then i go and loose interest when i know its not that persons fault i just cant help myself but to hate everyone because i hate myself. and like james im too loud all the time so much so that when i finally decide to be quiet i have people shoving their concerns down my throat and i dont know how to appreciate it when all i want is to be left alone. lately ive been feeling like there something misplaced in me because all i want is to spend my last week of school with my friends and be happy and enjoy my time but all i can think about is i dont want to be here and i dont want to be touched and i dont want to see these people because these people keep talking and my head hurts and my eyes hurt and im feeling dizzy and none of this looks real anymore and im not sure what to do with myself anymore. and i would hate to hurt their feelings because its truly not their fault but like i said theres something wrong with me. i think im just a rotten soul and im fucked up in way unknown to most. as james would, i feel judged after everything i say and i feel ridiculed for every decision i make and i feel like they dont want to listen to me at all they just keep me around to have someone for themselves and a part of me knows thats not true but the larger part of me wont let me fully believe that. and i feel like james in the way i dont know how to do anything casually and i love with my entire soul but i hate with my entire soul too and when im in something im fully in. and its such a fault to have because i like people more than people like me all i just end up hurting myself because as much as i tell myself im not i think i still like that one guy from august and my miss my best friend when i cant call her that anymore and the girl ive known since 2nd grade is barley answering my texts and summer is coming i feel like everyone is going to forget about me and what if i forget about everyone and i dont want to be forgotten. and i feel like james because i feel overbearing when i ask to hang out with people and annoying. and i feel like im being made fun of every time i speak and i have to pretend that it doesnt bother me but it does. and im like james because all i want is someone to talk to and thatll listen to me but i know how hard it is to stay attentive when i talk because i talk so much about stuff no one cares about and i try to hide it but it hurts more than id like to admit because everyone cares about what they have to say and i sit and i listen but when i talk they leave the room or change the topic or turn up the music or outright tell me they dont care. joke or not it hurts. like james i spent most of my childhood being told im too loud or too intense or talk too much or too chaotic or too dramatic or talk too fast and like james i think no matter how much confidence i fein in my teen years ill never grow away from the 6 year old girl that everyone called a psycho because she had emotions too big that she didnt know how to deal with yet and they wernt her fault. it wasnt her fault she got her dads anger issues and tendencies to scream or her mothers ability to feel everything twice as strong as she should. and now im 15 and its still not my fault but ive suppressed it so far im not 100% sure how to feel that deeply anymore.

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

How do you feel about Leah Sava Jeffries as Annabeth Chase, and why should we throw Leah a huge parte for being the annie we always deserve but never got much of

HELL YEAH ARE YOU KIDDING ME LEAHBETH IS THE BEST THING THATS EVER HAPPENED TO ME THIS ENTIRE YEAR OH MY GODS AND GODDESSES im fully self aware that "i look like i would have been an annabeth kid" and its because i FOR SURE WAS WHY WOULDNT ANYONE BE she is The Character the MOMENt the ICON of the AGES and leah is adapting her energy to screen so ???? perfectly ?????? like did rick just shake the book and she fell out ??????? what sorcery is this?? ??????

no but in all seriousness leah is killing it as annabeth and its super clear that she did her research and understands the character (in interviews she talks about how she read annabeth povs in later books and did research on greek mythology and athena so she could understand the lightning thief not just from percys pov but from annabeth 🥺🥺 she so annabeth coded irl i adore her) and it genuinely shows like ive microanalyzed all her expressions because her facial acting has so much DEPTH and LAYERS and OH MY GODS leah deserves all the parties and we are so privileged to have her as our annabeth chase <3 imagine being that talented at like 13

im super excited to see what additions she makes to the character in this adaptation!!! already i think she's really highlighting annabeth's battle strategy smarts over just booksmarts which EVERYONE ALWAYS FORGETS ABOUT SHES NOT JUST A BOOK NERD SHES A FUCKING GENERAL HEAD OF THE ATHENA CABIN MOST FORMIDABLE DEMIGOD AT CAMP AS A 12 YEAR OLD the duality is giving me LIFE and i love how she gets to boss around percy and grover (leah also talked about loving to get to be in charge and competitive as annabeth which shes SO REAL FOR THAT shes such an annabeth type) BUT ALSO YOU ALREADY GET TO SEE HER VULNERABILITIES AND INSECURITIES AND THE WAY SHE CARRIES HERSELF THAT MAKES HER SIMULTANEOUSLY COOL BUT ALSO IS A REFLECTION OF TRAUMA AND POOR EMOTIONAL COPING yeah basically shes not just giving us annabeth shes giving us annabeth but MORE and its making me understand her character BETTER and in a NEW way (and if you have anything to say about her portrayal in the show i will genuinely pull up with a full ass powerpoint slideshow because IF YOU MEDIA COMPREHEND FOR TWO SECONDS AND KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER CHARACTER IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE AND ITS SO JUICY AND JALKDJFKBL)

i think about that shot of her looking at percy using medusas head through the screen porch ALL THE TIME. and her delivery of "grover can you tell your friend to pull himself together" LIKE THATS WHEN SHE TURNS TO HER PROTECTOR FOR HELP AND IT HAS A LITTLE BIT OF A SASSY IM-BETTER-THAN-YOU-PERCY VIBE TO IT BECAUSE SHES HIDING THE FACT THAT SHES SCARED AND UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER UNAVAILABLE MOM (and percy sees right through that just as she sees right through percy and oh my gods if i get started on percabeth ill never shut up)

anyways thanks for giving me an opportunity to go on a mini rant about leahbeth i could say so much more because when i say ive analyzed every frame my girl is in i am NOT joking

but ill just end by saying that anyone who is upset by show annabeth being black literally did not understand her as a character or the percy jackson books in general so they can stfu and get their little butthurt wrong opinions out the door bc they dont belong here anyway <3 rick and becky also talked about how they hired black sensitivity readers to help write annabeth's blackness more authentically into her character in the show so very much hoping that they do that well! and im overall just super excited to see what changes they make to adapt my favorite character to a new era, a new medium, and a new audience!

go treat yourself to some leah interviews because i actually adore her and will protect her and annabeth (though arguably theyre one and the same) with my life <3

[t4transsexual]

have you ever dated cis women? when did you decide to be t4t?

i have dated a couple of cis women, one for a little while and we didnt get on because she was one of those fems who doesnt want their butch/masc/transmasc partner to have feelings and needs and also didnt want me to say no to sex and we didnt last long because i was deeply unhappy with her

as for when i decided to be t4t, i guess its probably about time i open up about the specific instance(s) that lead to me deciding to be exclusively t4t, because i havent actually talked about what pushed me to make the shift into exclusively dating trans people. i was trying to run a more positive page and frankly i wasnt really ready to talk about this so publicly, especially with the terf/transphobe interaction i get almost all the time on this account, but i figure i can now and ill probably turn off replies if i can figure out how

tw for graphic description of sexual assault and transphobia under the cut

when i started medically transitioning, i decided to try dating guys again. keep in mind i had a lot of comphet before deciding i was t4t; i basically only really beat that around 2022 when i turned 20. and i matched with a cis guy on tinder, who looked like he had a lot of personality judging by his photos i was 18, almost 19 at the time

literally the first thing this man says to me, after i tell him im trans, is "oh, cool, i love femboys." red flag #1. i said, "im not a femboy, i present masculinely, dont call me that." he apologized, and we moved on

at some point, we're talking about sex. he says hes very subby and a size queen. all fine, i told him i was a stone top/dom, i didnt really like experiencing penetration and it was painful for me due to a condition i had at the time. he says thats fine, everythings good. this will be important later

later, he tells me he told his parents i was trans. i asked him why, given that he both didnt ask me first and said his parents were transphobic. he says "my mom asked, was i just supposed to lie?" i say, yes. he apologizes, i /really/ want to call the whole thing off at this point but he seemed nice enough that maybe he just didnt know trans dating as well as i did

the entire relationship, he just says transphobic shit. he told me that he "understood why people didnt want to date trans people, because its a lot of baggage." he was an active alcoholic by the way. and also dating a trans person. he would neg me for being trans and then turn around and say that i was such a hot guy. he even misgendered me one time, and got upset at me for getting pissed about it, and made me believe i was overreacting. he made me believe that he was doing me a favor by ever dating me

at some point, we're at my parents house, and he tells me he wants to fuck me with his penis. i tell him no, that i dont want to, that i dont know about it, that im scared, pretty much anything i can say to get him to reconsider, but he argued and said itd be good for me and that i can choose which hole but it became very clear to me that i had no choice. so i said he could fuck my pussy

it was excruciating. it hurt so bad, but i knew i couldnt say no. he couldnt stay hard unless he was degrading me and i didnt want him to, so he kept making me jerk him off so he could keep raping me

eventually he stopped, and i wasnt even really aware i had been raped at first. ive been sexually abused by several people in my life and generally it has taken me a while to accept when ive been sexually abused by a person. so we kept dating like normal, long distance btw, but my mental health was deteriorating. i was suicidal for the first time in a while. i was self harming again. i couldnt stop thinking about killing myself.

eventually, he breaks up with me for being suicidal. he says im guilt tripping him or something, i dont remember. and that was december of 2021

we go no contact. i still dont realize he raped me. but i knew that there was something deeply wrong in the way our relationship was

right after him, i dated a trans woman who we went to the same high school. just the difference in how i was treated by her than by him, with her she treated me like i was an actual equal in the relationship. with him, he felt he was superior to me; like he "owned" me, or something

we broke up, we werent really compatible, but when i got with her, she taught me what being t4t was, and the implicit understanding and the comfort and safety i felt. after we broke up was when i decided i didnt like men, and still remained t4t after

i realized what he did to me was rape nearly a year later. he correctively raped me for being a stone top, more specifically, and i dont think he wouldve been "empowered" to rape me if i was a cis man, or even a cis woman. i understand that the "off" feeling i felt throughout that relationship was because he, as a cis person, felt superior over me as a trans person, and felt that if he wanted to fuck me, i shouldnt get a say. he talked about doing other actions to me that i didnt want done at the time, certainly not by him, and if we werent long distance, he probably wouldve raped me several more times

being with my current girlfriend, we click in a way that i havent felt with any cis person, the women included. she definitely isnt going to rape me for being trans. ive undergone physical therapy so that if i ever got raped again, it wouldnt hurt as bad, and it worked and ive actually enjoyed bottoming (consensually) with my girlfriend. she makes me feel very safe, and we understand each other and each others needs as trans people very well, and being with her has helped me process the time i was raped, and the several other times ive been sexually abused by other people

now that ive had time to process these things, i would say that i dont feel the same way around trans people (including me) dating cis people anymore. when i first started this account, i wouldve never admitted this then btw, i fully did not think trans people should date cis people, because i had fostered such a deep distrust of cis people as a result of that whole relationship and assault. i believed cis people would always be bad partners to trans people, but i dont believe that anymore. in the very unlikely circumstance i find myself single again, i may even consider dating a cis woman again. but probably not, because ive grown to really like the implicit understanding that we as trans people get with other trans people

thats why im t4t, and when i became t4t was around the beginning of 2022

[thenightwinggraveyard]

how i find banger fics on AO3

tips and tricks by yours truly

are you an avid ao3 reader like myself? do you ever find yourself at a loss for what to read next and unable to find anything worth your time? well worry no longer (hopefully!), because i'd like to share some ways i filter through the endless amount of fics to find ones i like;

SORT BY KUDOS

while doing this isn't foolproof and it leaves underrated fics out of the equation, it is generally a good starting point. most fics that have a lot of kudos, do so for a reason after all.

2. EXCLUDE WHAT YOU DONT LIKE

this is a feature i wasn't really utilizing until recently, but it has saved me so much effort. when your on a fandom, tag, or pairing, you can exclude whatever ticks you off and make finding a good fic easier. for example, sometimes i go on my favourite tags, like time travel, and find that it is mostlyyyy clogged up with harry potter or mha and im just not feeling it that day; well i simply exclude it.

3. MAKE NOTE OF/JOT DOWN WHAT YOU'D LIKE

what i mean by this, is whenever you think about a specific character or pairing/dynamic, fandom, etc.. during the day or when doing something else and find yourself craving that content, a good idea would be to write that down for later on your notes app or something, and specifically search for it later on. otherwise, sometimes when faced with the damning ao3 search bar you forget everything you like and your entire personality. ive certainly been there.

4. MARK FOR LATER

whenever you see a fic that you don't really feel like reading at the moment, but know you could like, you can hit the mark for later button. i find it much easier then having endless numbers of open tabs that you cant sort through.

5. SEARCH COLLECTIONS

i like to go to my favourite fics i previously read and look through the collections that have that fic saved to them and browse. i have a collection of my own where i save my fav fics if you feel like checking that out!

6. SEARCH THROUGH OTHER MEDIA

going on tiktok or tumblr and searching the #fanfiction or #fanficrec tags can be a lifesaver. better yet, when you find tumblr masterlists of recs.

7. CHECK OUT AUTHORS OTHER WORKS

this ones self explanatory; if you really like a fic, try checking out the authors other works in the case that you find them just as good.

8. ASK FRIENDS!!!

you dont no HOW much i bombard my friends by asking them for recs, and ive found some really good ones through them. you can even ask mutuals, anyone on discord if you have it, etc...

LASTLY,

9. BE PICKY

this one is a bit redundant but its something i often find myself wishing i had done earlier. if your reading a fic and something about it just isnt right for you, be that the writing style, the chracetrization, etc... don't feel like you need to continue. theres nothing wrong with just dropping shit when it gets too boring or when its not tickling your fancy, otherwise you may end up putting so much time into a work that leaves you upset/frustrated, and thats no fun. seriously, i have spent hundreds of thousands of words on fics that left me hating my life and not because of how good it was written ill tell you that.

[grimxark]

Ok. Part 3 earthspark was so incredibly disappointing. I feel so sad about it because it’s such a promising show.

I kind of ranted abt this to my friend for like an hour as soon as we finished watching but here’s some of my criticism which I may add on to. Or not

Warning for Earthspark s1 p3 spoilers and overall negativity. So sorry!

1. The writing of this part was sooo terrible. So many plotholes so much drama and so much cringe dialogue. I want to give it slack for being a children’s show but! There’s so much here that’s just senseless. I can excuse cringe dialogue but some of it is back to back to back. Like holy shit

2. Hate what they did to Karen. She was this malevolent evil that was being hinted and teased since part 1 and she amounted to literally nothing. She had no motives other than being racist, none that we know of. Maybe her parents died idfc but there are no real motives that she ever makes outright known. And she was being hinted to being this final boss type. Her death had no impact. It felt like a “oh look this is a child’s show turned dark”. Her death promised everything and it delivered nothing.

3. The last 3? Episodes where Twitch take charge feel apocalyptic and it was nice. Twitch and her older sister curse. The last one standing. The one bearing the weight of the family, having all that responsibility because wether you want it or not she is the older sister of the group. She watches everyone she loves simply disappear. She goes through so much trouble and so many plans and then thrash dies protecting her (which doesn’t make sense?? ill go onto this later). So, after she goes through all that trouble, the humans wake up and fix everything in the blink of an eye. and it undoes all this effort and character thrown into Twitch because she isnt the one who finds a way to fix it. it makes the last 3 episodes totally meaningless.

4. how would Thrash's body protect her from the blast. they were closest, and none of the others were protected the same way despite being in close proximity. why did the terrans even get affected by the blast? theyre not energon based. its like, the main plot of the show.

5. mandroid coming in and being like "interesting! for you ive been gone for a day, but under my calculations ive been gone… a year." was funny as hell. why a year?? why not one hundred. or at least fifty. as a lone human he would NOT have been able to convince the sharkticons in a year. and against the quintessons? and all those bodily changes? its so funny how stupidly underwhelming that time is.

6. Robbie's death was stupid. he does a green lantern oath and power up then still loses against megatron (bc its megatron) and then dies and gets revived. theres no shock, you know hell come back. i hoped everyone going "somethings wrong" meant we were going to get a "he died and came back wrong" ordeal but i guess i was expecting too much. also wasnt he dying in one episode. he said "its getting worse" and then he was fine

7. this entire part feels sooo odd to me with the inconsistencies, i wonder if the writers strike has anything to do with it. it almost feels so random. like on the same episode where robbie dies— why were they like "is that the real megatron?" while being scared as if they dont know megatron as a good guy. why would you be scared its the real megatron.

8. final fight felt so rushed. this whole part felt rushed. i wonder if there were budget cuts or if they used their whole budget on the first half of the season.

9. ill say it. maybe you don’t agree with me but. So much of it feels like fanservice. The starscream episode… why would Hashtag be the one to relate to Screamer? Mind control isn’t quite the same as constant abuse. And the entire episode relied a lot on watchers knowing what that relationship was like. In knowing what Starscream and Megatron are like. If you don’t know anything, it just feels odd. Even as a g1 inspired show, where Starscream and Megatron are awful to each other in damn near equal measures. It was a nice episode, I really enjoyed it, but there should’ve been more build up to that.

10. So many of the deleted scenes provide an extra feeling that was missing from the show. I’m really sad at how much potential this show has and how the entirety of parts 1 and 2 were amazing and built up so much and part 3 was just a huge let down with so many inconsistencies and questions left unanswered right after being brought up.

11.

[nanjokei]

ok heres what ive been thinking of recently

honestly its just raw emotion, i dont really mean to upset anyone or say that they're consuming anything wrong. i'll try to word things as carefully as possible (or ill mince meat as much as possible idk) because i really do not like when people assume ill intent in my words just because i use blunt language at times. (sorry its just how i talk. im not mad at you. im not yelling at you online)

but honestly i have had a long thought about it.

i'm incredibly tired of the lack of curiousity a lot of new vocaloid fans have towards the culture.

statements like "boomers expect me to know songs from 2007" or whatever. i mean, no, no one is Expecting anything from you, that is absolutely a strawman you have invented based on someone merely being surprised (often in jest even), but it's also like. you, who actively identify yourself as a big fan, have never even thought to look back? there are so many playlists and medleys you can consult. it is a few searches away, i don't care. you are not five years old. and if you feel lost you can always ask people there are always so many people just waiting to introduce someone to even one or two old songs they like.

like is it bad that i think you should be a little more passionate if you consider yourself a geek?

what is wrong with me being surprised if you don't know sakura no ame or saihate or whatever. what is wrong with me thinking that it's weird that even with the biggest producers in the world, you have 0 curiousity to look into their old works?

it's not me being old and cranky, i just think it's a little bad and disrespectful that a lot of new fans just see older songs as inherently worse or not worth their time and use them as a strawman to invent some kind of boomer boogeyman who is going after them for not knowing shiningray or celluloid or ikelenka or whatever. even though honestly you should know them. even if you only listen to it once and decide you don't like it, or hell even just know they exist without listening.

like, songs with millions of views on nnd, i want you to at least familiarize yourself, especially if the producers are still active! at the very least!

whats wrong with me wanting people to enjoy amazing music that built up an entire subculture? made by passionate people who didn't even know the scene could last as long as it did? what's wrong with wanting to share my love with another generation?

i'm not denying that there may be outliers who are rude to other fans, but come the fuck on, stop acting coy about it. you should at least be able to recognize one of either the title, sound or thumbnail of the top 100 songs from 2009. not even KNOW them, just recognize, like is that too much to ask?

like, it's something i personally struggle to understand in general when it comes to interests i'm passionate about. i'm not a pushy person by the way, i don't go around heckling people not even as a joke, so i am not even letting anyone put me in the box of "probably acted pushy and didn't realize and is now mad at the other party". like, this is not directed at casual fans. i am just thinking stuff like "why are you hostile towards the idea of learning more about your interest?" and "why are you hostile towards passionate people who want more people to get into what they like?" and "why pigeonhole yourself? learning more means more fun for you."

because what bothers me the most is that eventually it turns into accusations of "gatekeeping" and "elitism" if anyone voiced their opinion about things. i know how im wording it makes it sound like it personally happened to me but it hasn't it is just what i have observed over the years as someone who gets super into stuff and tries to immerse myself and sees other people get into fights whether its the """elitist""" or the """casual""".

why is it like this? i cannot see why wanting to share is elitism or gatekeeping. maybe elitism sure if the other party feels like they're being targeted for no reason (and im not saying it does not happen). but gatekeeping? why is it gatekeeping? wanting to share what you like with others is gatekeeping? isn't that if you told people NOT to get into it and hid it away?

like, im saying it properly so no one misconstrues what i am saying, but i understand not everyone wants or has the energy to become a big fan of something. there are so many things where i am a very casual fan!! but even then i respect the thing i am into by also acknowledging its history at the very least even if i might not ever play/watch/read/etc all of it or at all.

so like... is it bad? is it bad that i think others should have this respect too? i know this is an issue of low empathy or whatever. i have to run around in circles to understand others. i "get" it, but im also like, why cant they be like me? so i want you to know in no uncertain terms that I GET IT. I GET PEOPLE'S POSITIONS HERE. i have been thinking about this general topic my entire life

so in the end it just turned into a general sort of thing. but yeah, i don't understand why people get so defensive and act so persecuted. am i wrong in my point of view? am i just being an elitist after all? like i simply see it as "i want people to enjoy it too."

like, i thought about this stuff after seeing how passionate ado is about vocaloid. like, she is only 21 years old. she is as old as or slightly older than many new fans (though she had liked vocaloid since elementary school). she is the biggest pop star in japan right now and yet her passion has not waned. not to mention so many younger fans that do have that curiousity too. i used to think its not possible, but i see them in the YT comments, going "im 16 but i really like this era of music" and such.

like, please just open your heart. ignore the boogeymen you're hallucinating and just enjoy slowly... it doesn't have to be a study session. naturally you will just discover more songs you like from those eras

[gloomforrestrunes]

(This is so horribly worded, but I don't know how else to word this question.)

How do you write psychological manipulation/abuse so authentically? I've been in an abusive relationship before, and just reading snippets of Laxo/Nex's relationship in your posts is hitting very close to home for me. These are genuinely well thought out and written very respectfully to victims, and I applaud you for taking the time to accurately display how awful abuse can be and the effects it has on victims in your comic.

ah, thank you! i have very strong opinions on how abuse like this should be portrayed in media, which all comes down to centering the victim rather than the perpetrator or a "savior" character.

quick warning, im gonna go into some examples of poor depictions of abuse below, but no specific media is named and i dont go into too much detail

i am so, so tired and jaded from pieces of media who depict abusive relationships only to discard the victim in favor of focusing on either the abuser (attempting to go into the "sympathetic" villain route but is almost always done in a way thats tone-deaf at best or actively harmful and insulting to survivors at worst) or another character (usually the protagonist) who's only role is to "save" the victim from their abuser, depicting the victim as meek, submissive, naive, and unable to make decisions on their own. the victim's personal feelings are usually never explored, their trauma never properly addressed, and they are usually never defined outside of the abuse that was inflicted onto them, which is. bad!!! and gross!!! and extremely insulting!!

in runes, though, laxo is the protagonist. while yes, you will see him endure abuse from nex, you also see him outside of that context and outside of his trauma. he has a favorite color and weather and season and food, he's given an actual voice and personality. he is gentle, sure, but he isn't submissive. he's actually pretty playful and likes to tease a lot. he gets frustrated easily but is bad at showing it other than pouting. he snorts when he laughs. he loves to make things out of plants. he talks to flowers for comfort reasons. he loves so strongly and so much that it can overwhelm him.

his trauma effects him and inhibits him, but it doesnt define him.

while kane and nex are meant to be the antithesis of each other, kane isn't meant to be a "savior" who swoops laxo away from his abuser and everything is fine and perfect and laxo is suddenly completely healed. in reality, the most kane could, and does, do is gently guide laxo towards realizing that whats happening to him is wrong and not normal. but breaking a victim away from their abuser is never that easy. getting out of abusive relationships is never that easy.

ill go into more personal details as to why ive written runes the way i have under the cut. what ive written beneath here isnt an invitation to ask me for personal details unless i trust you.

runes, at its core, is a vent story. when it was previously named something else and the story and characters were completely different, i didnt take it too seriously. it was lighthearted and silly. but i was a really, really sad and traumatized child and didnt have the resources to do anything clinical about it.

eventually i created laxo as sort of a vent character, then he became, basically, a self-insert. i adored him so much to the point where he became the main character, and i rewrote the entire story to be about him. about me, in a way. the story slowly became darker as i daydreamed it in my head, projecting all of my awful feelings onto this character. then i created nex.

again, dont ask me for details. but nex is a mirror of my irl abusers, more so back then. an exaggerated frankenstein's monster of the people who hurt me in ways that im still in therapy for today. while he is a mirror of multiple people, his design (even his human design) and species even is taken from one person. my old childhood best friend's older brother was obsessed with wolves. so, nex is a wolf.

this is what i mean when i say that runes is a vent story. even though it has grown far past that point and these characters have blossomed into far more than what/who they were based on, there will always be that association. so i guess another answer to how i can write this stuff authentically is because ive lived it. even though what nex and laxo have is a bit different from the type of abuse i endured as a child, its also extremely similar.

this is a more personal reason as to why i may get snappy or otherwise upset when people say that they like nex (as a person, not as a character or a villain) or reduce him to a "yandere" (which has happened multiple times. ://) because he's not just a fictional character to me. he is a mirror of the real actual people that did awful, awful things to me. while there is a degree of separation now that the story and nex as a character has developed as i have (which is why im still open to talk about him as a character/analyze him/etc) there will always be that association.

even though runes is a vent story, however, that doesnt mean that it wont have a happy ending. im still here, arent i? and im healing, and im getting better, and im moving on. why shouldn't laxo, if we're essentially one and the same?

[odysseys-blood]

This is literally the first time ever ill do one of these after being tagged in ig bc i always forgot! anyways got tagged by @taketheringtolohac for a "9 people you want to get to know better" game!

Last Song: Sway - A Trak & AJ Christou ft. Duckwrth

i luv duckwrth and this song is super wavy someone come dance to it with me

Favorite color: Idk what to call it like a wine purple? this thang and similar shades

i also rly like deep reds too. if u ever notice i accidentally tend to use mainly the red-blue portion of the color wheel in art and its not a concious decision either it just kinda happens and i try to steer away from it every once in a while and it never sticks.

Currently Watching: nothing rly!

it takes me forever to start watching things and get through them. The last series i finished I think were Witchblade and Link Click abt a month or so ago. I was also planning to watch yuri kuma sometime soon bc i remembered ppl posting about it but i never watched it while it was airing, as well as a rewatch of banana fish bc my brother brought it up bc he was using it as a topic for his paper recently????? i dont even know why he knows it but oh. well i guess. was also gonna watch mignon but the art style is getting me and my city hunter plans have been dashed by the sheer volume of episodes scaring me for now

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: i like them all!

not sure i rly prefer one over the others but i like to bake so maybe sweet. did you know my baking enemy is cookies idk what it is but if im making my own from scratch somehow they always turn out wrong. fav thing to bake is cinnamon rolls i just havent done any in a while bc they take so long (also bc i wanna do peach cobbler style cinnamon rolls which ive done before! but that takes extra long bc of the extra toppings you have to make)

Relationship Status: who want me

Current Obsession: ok prefacing this with these r not good games and im gonna censor the names so they dont show up in tags

i got into some eroge gacha named wh*t in hell is bad back in october and it has not let up since. i filled an entire sketchbook almost w/ doodles of my mc. also replayed through nu c*rnival recently bc they added voice overs for almost the entire game for the second anniversary (ive been playing since maybe 3 months after its release). everything is on the backburner to me rn besides these games and maybe the everyday maintenance of shinozaki bc im thinking abt finishing it bc i love it. anyways forget abt those last two and look at shinozaki

Last Thing You Searched: list of mythical weapons

this was not for anything important except that i rly wanna get a black cat and name it excalibur (nicknamed cali for short). however excalibur is exclusively for if i get the litte black kitty of my dreams but if i get a cat w/ another coat eventually i have to pick a different name so i was brainstorming.

i didnt think this was so long (///￣ ￣///)

anyways ill tag @meicheesecake @feluka @beepiiboop @nil-number @theunstablejester @luminousrabbittt @scamoosh @tilapiamafia and im forgetting names but if u wanna do one then tag ur it ☆〜（ゝ。∂ )

[hoe-for-oreo]

will never understand kids who yell at their parents because they bought them iphone 11 and not iphone 14.

because mai nokia ka keypad chala rahi hu.

like some of yall had unconditional love and support from your parents who never made you feel as if you didnt deserve anything and it shows.

kyuki mere ghar pe toh har ek cheez conditional h. marks acche nahi aaye toh bahar se accha khana deserve ni karte, naye kapde deserve ni karte, doston se baat karna deserve ni karte, abey aur toh aur "tution nahi bhejenge kyuki tum education ke layak hii nahi ho" (which is what i get to hear after asking to join a tution for the first time in my life in 11th grade).

like kabhi kabar lagta h ki aisi hii zindagi honi thi toh kyu 1st se 8th tak jee jaan lagake mehnat karke hamesha full marks laayi mai? uski appreciation kabhi di nahi, vo ab ho nahi raha toh sunne ko bhot milta h. saala uss time ye sab chodhke thoda jee hii liya hota, atleast life ka ek part toh khushi se nikalta. ab lag raha h 16 saal ki zindagi toh barbad hii kardi maine. uss time ki mehnat ab matter ni karti, par ab mehnat ho nahi rahi h.

it just...gets unbearable to watch other people living their life after a while ya know? like you look at people who are going out, having fun with their friends, doing what they love, having good relationships with their family, and just, like their problems are so much different? they may not have their life together either, but you envy them because you don't have the privilege to do the same as them, because you know you're the one to blame for the subjects you chose, the life you chose. you see them actually living, and realise that youre still stuck in a loop, waiting for your life to begin, as you have for as long as you have been alive.

a couple days back one of my friends adopted a dog and i had a breakdown over it because....ye toh mai bhi deserve karti hu na yaar. mujhe kab milega ye? kabhi milega bhi? abhi tak toh nahi mila. aur ab toh milne ke chances bhi itne kam hain kyuki dena mujhe JEE h.

you can't help but feel hopeless.

pehle lagta tha jab kuch bhi sahi nahi tha ki....koi nahi, atleast academics ho raha h. atleast acche dost hain ab bhi. atleast ek acche future ka prospect h.

and then you lose it all. nothing to comfort you. nothing to make you feel as if atleast one thing in your life is going right, because it isn't. because your life is just one huge black hole now sucking away your happiness, your sense of identity. mujhe khud nahi pata mai kon hu. ab toh dost bhi chutne lage hain.

like, outwardly yes ill work hard and get out of this, but what then? people say "it's just 2 years uske baad sab bhot easy hoga" but what they don't understand is that it's not just 2 years. ive worked hard my entire life, and im sick of the constant guilt, constant expectations, constant pressure. i dont know if i have it in myself to hold on for 2 years more.

fir agar tumhare coping mechanisms maladaptive daydreaming and internet addiction h then toh hogya bas tumhara.

i could go on for a millennia with this rant. abhi toh family trauma bhi touch nahi kiya h. but then that will just be another proof of "yes, here's another thing going wrong in your life"

like, i have to remind myself each day that i dont have anything to be shameful about, i dont have anything that i dont deserve. love shouldnt be conditional. support shouldnt be conditional. especially if love and support are from your family and if they are based on a handful of figures.

like if at this point if i go and start doing drugs and alcohol to get some relief then can my parents blame me? but i cant do that, because guilt!

when will this end? i just wanna sleep.

par sone ke liye 5 min shanti se letna padta h and mai apne khudke thoughts tolerate kar paane ki ability kho chuki hu.

[meet-at-tycho]

OKAY MORE I CANT HELP IT...

you better believe i show them off, too. like no ones business im always LOOK. AT WHAT MY FRIEND DID... look, im so proud of them 😽😽 i really am like WOW!!! idk im enamored anything they do is the best thing in the world to me. whats that about rose tinted glasses? thats how it is SORRYYYY cant help it you are perfect to me and i love you like. IM ENTHRALLLED theres a lot of words i could use to describe how i feel about them. hooked is a good one, absolutely CAPTIVATED, hook line and sinker baby im in heaven 🥳 im still coping cuz im still lonely but. if i flood my mind with the thought of them, itll be enough to get my thru til they come back :]

dude i remember last halloween? best halloween ever okay I . i mightve been dying of sleep deprivation but i got correctly gendered the entire fucking day AND. i had my bestie in my phone, idc if i looked rude or anything talking to her the whole fcking day? i feel so. LOST when im without them, so knowing i had her with me the entire time like. I REALLY HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME.. i wish i could relive that day over and over again, but i still have more days to experience!!! shes so creative and brilliant and fucking UNHINGED like a little rat crawling thru the walls WHATS WRONG WITH HER.... idk but i love it :] she absolutely is carrying like. prehistoric diseases i dont know how and i dont know when shes gonna dispatch them but im afraid

or like? my birthday was a good example. neither of them knew it was cuz i dont like to tell people but.. we spent the day together and it . i was genuinely so happy, its the first birthday i havent ended up crying on. like YEAH yr right you WERE the gift!!!!!!! you genuinely were im. KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING

i spend the so much time with him, SIR. the man that you are im. only incomprehensible growling and barking comes to mind when i think of you BUT it translates to: YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! no hes so silly for real i genuinely cant get enough of him. i remember. even the very first time we vced like just us, it wasnt even really awkward at all!!!! felt a little unsure but I HAD SO MUCH FUN.. our chemistry.. mr whiter..... really though its. or that time we spent like 12 hours in call together. i used to feel so sad when calls ended, sad enough that id just start avoiding them cuz i didnt really know when it would happen again, SO? thats like A WHOLE ENTIRE DAY.... we spent a whole day together and it went GOOD it was so .. perfect. such a big deal to me cuz like. i dont leave my house, i dont SOCIALIZE REALLY.. so to go for so long without even getting tired?? its genuinely a really big step for me. HE DID THAT...

but.. dont just love them for how they make me feel. i love everything about them. when shit gets hard i wanna try my best to be there cuz ive had people give up on me and it fucking sucked, i wont ever give up on you. they really are so special to me like. the best people ive ever met in my entire life and i MEAN that. you are so worth it, anything at all. ill be here!!! i wont ever leave you behind, how could i ever do that? my love doesnt come from what they do for me, it comes from THEM directly. their personalities, their hobbies, interests. glasses get rosier, theres nowhere id rather be! it feels so good to just.. idk. i like being here, i feel stable and comfortable and its all thanks to them

MAN dont talk to me ever. never speak to me!!! lot of feelings okay but. listenn..... ive got two eyes, one for each apple. EASY. lovemaxxing or whatever

[abimee]

my idea goes like this: it art blog is from a time, a time that is years ago. a time when i was 13? maybe 14. but my archive only goes back to february of 2015. because this art blog was originally a side secret blog i made to post embarassing shipping art i didnt want on my main account, which is an entirely different account from my current main account.

i made exactly 3 posts, got ashamed of it because none of my friends wanted to follow it, and forgot about it. i came back to it a year later and deleted the 3 posts off of it, and rebranded it as an art blog. it had pretty blue sky background and cute border decoration. my art was not good. but this was when i wanted to take my art seriously, make a ''place'' for my art that wasnt random tags on my main blog. i wanted to be /known/, because i was 14 years old in the era of kyleehenkes and stuff, and people with art blogs got popular.

cut forward to now, im nowhere closer to that goal. i was never going to be. and i never will. i had a brief taste of popularity when in the undertale fandom, but it also came with deep bouts of depression and problems with harassment over disliking a male fictional character. it wasnt fun anymore. i was failing highschool. i hated my life, and art was my only escape, its all i had in my life.

fast forward back to now, the high has been ridden and im no longer a teenager. the dream of being a well liked artist is beyond salvage in my hopes. it will just never happen. ive accepted it and marched on with the ideals of not wanting it. but this blog continues to hold that sensation in its walls; it wants the attention, to be that dream. its a reminder to me of something, of many things, ive failed to obtain. failure has been a chronic part of my life, ive barely ever done anything successfully, and every single artistic endeveaors ive strived for has all failed. ive failed in entering zines, in making my own zine, in winning competitions, of getting notority, in being the best in class, in doing anything ive set out to do. ive failed making comics, making animation, making simple clothes, making dolls, etc. ive never won at a single artistic endevar. ive never known the joy of ''winning''.

and it sits in my brain of like, why. why should i keep drawing. why should i do any of this. why have i kept up this hobby at all? a nebulous concept. i dont know. does it bring me joy? yes. does it bring me anguish and self hatred in the same hand? yes. ive never been satisfied, ive never been able to let things be, something must always be wrong, someting must always be embarassing. this blog is a festering of my inability to pick a decision and to pussyfoot for years on the single question of; should i keep doing this?

ask me some days and ill say yes, ask me others and ill say no. i dont know. is art for me? not really. have i sunk 15 years into it? yes. am i any good at it? [hand waving side to side motion]. does this mean anything? no. but the walls remember, and it will keep laughing at me. that i fail to even decide to put down the pencil or not. younger me laughs at me, i laugh at myself, my audience laughs at me. there is no winning here. i dont like abimee, and it doesnt like me

[skinnymeanfaggot]

im gonna say something and delete it real quick

ive been through a ton of shit and i dont think i deserve most or any of it. i never harassed alex directly to my knowledge i just spread the information and spoke about it. and i did that because i trusted my partner at the time. im not in the wrong for believing someone elses lies.

and then when smitty was called out the most i did was on my private when i was psychotic and panicking i was like well this isnt a big deal right they didnt mean it but i was defending them because at that point my entire life revolved around them and we were unhealthy codependent, i wasnt in my right mind at all and i couldnt think it was the worst time of my life because i couldnt trust my own thoughts and i went back and forth on hating and loving them because i was so unstable. but i never ever went out and said what they did was ok and i support them. i was mass dropped and maligned by so many past friends simply for being their PARTNER at the time. before i even had the chance to do or say anything people were cutting me off. i left twitter because it was so horrible for my mental health at that point, but now i feel so isolated from the warriors and map communities, and i feel like everyone has a really tainted view on me. and theyre like "you fucked up but thats ok!" and im like where did i fuck up? by being mentally ill? by being abused? like ive fucking gaslit myself into thinking ive done some horrible shit but all i did was believe a liar and then get manipulated by them. and because everyone and their fucking mom was abandoning me i clung to the one person in my life who stayed and was also constantly feeding lies to me about how we only needed each other and everyone else was unsafe. so like. im fucking sorry for being put in a shitty situation i guess. idk im just really pissed that people out there think i did anything fucked up because on the alex shit i literally just said and did what everyone else at the time was doing. because EVERYONE believed smitty and everyone said he was bad. i was vocal about it because they were my fucking partner and they frequently lied about how fucked up it was and how bad it felt and i was being MANIPULATED DIRECTLY. like it just sucks. i shouldnt have lost my friends and i shouldnt have had to leave twitter and everyone i know here, youre excluded because youve stuck with me. but if i see any ex friend from that era who cut me off come slithering back im blocking. and im forever forever going to be fucking pissed about how my life was ruined due to someone elses actions