#the kind of thing you do to appease the grandparents

[zedecksiew]

DECOLONISING D&D

In 2019, after seeing yet another round of alarmist discourse in Xwitter about how Dungeons & Dragons is FULL of COLONIALIST tropes and patterns, and needs to be revised, SCRUBBED of its PROBLEMATIC FILTH---I rage-tweeted this brainfart:

"Decolonising D&D"

I've seen this thread round the community, since. Humza K quotes it in Productive Scab-picking: On Oppressive Themes in Gaming. Prismatic Wasteland quotes it in Apolitical RPGs Don't Exist. Most recently, it was referenced in a 1999AD post about Western TTRPGs (an interesting discussion on its own merit; one that already has a counterpoint from Sandro / Fail Forward.)

If folks are still referring to it five years later, maybe I should give the thread a little more credit? Perhaps the fart miasma has crystalised into something concrete.

In the interest of record / saving this thought from the ephemerality of Xwitter, here is the text in full, properly paragraphed, and somewhat more cleanly expressed:

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"DECOLONISING D&D"

Firstly: saying "D&D is colonialist" is similar to saying: "the English language is colonialist".

If your method of decolonising RPGs is to abandon D&D---well, some folks abandon English; they don't want to work in the language of the coloniser. More power to them!

For those who want to continue using the "language" of D&D---

Going forth into the "wild hinterland" (as if this weren't somebody's homeland);

to "seek treasure" (as if this didn't belong to anybody);

and "slay monsters" (monsters to whom?)

Yeah. There's some problematic stuff here, and definitely these aspects should make more people uncomfortable.

But! I think it is an error to "decolonise D&D" by scrubbing such content from the game.

That feels like erasure; like an unwillingness to face history / context; like a way to appease one's own settler guilt.

Do you live in the West? Do you live in any Asian urban metropole? White or Person of Colour(tm)---you are already complicit in colonialist / capitalist (yes, of course they are inextricably linked) behaviour. (I can't speak for urban metropoles elsewhere, but I bet they are similar centres of extraction.)

Removing such patterns from the TTRPGs you play might let you feel better, at your game table. But won't change what you are.

I think it is more truthful and more useful NOT to avert one's eyes from D&D's colonialism.

The fact that going forth into the hinterland to seek treasure and slay monsters is a thing, and fucking fun, tells us valuable things about the shape and psychology of colonialism. Why conquistadors in the past did it; why liberal foreign policy, corporations, and post-colonial societies do it today.

Speaking personally:

I write stuff that evokes / deals with the context I'm in---Southeast Asia. An intrinsic part of that is looking at the ways colonial violence has happened to us---as well as the ways / reasons we now, supposedly free, perpetrate it on others.

A long chain of suffering. Heavy stuff.

I also write for people who want to have fun / kill monsters / pretend to be elves, of course. But for those people who want to consider serious stuff like colonialism: I offer no FIGHT THE POWER righteousness, no good feeling, no answers.

Only discomfort. Because the truth is uncomfortable.

Here's a screenshot of the Author's Note for Lorn Song of the Bachelor:

"Any text inspired by Southeast Asia has to reckon with colonialism ... This text presents a difficult situation; there are no easy solutions. "... If I offered a mechanical incentive for you to fight colonial invaders, you wouldn’t be making a moral decision, but a mercenary one. "The choice you face should echo ... the kind of calculus my grandparents faced."

I stand by that.

Also: might we be more precise and more careful about using the term "decolonising", please?

Here I quote Tuck and Yang's landmark and (sadly) still trenchant "Decolonization is not a metaphor":

"Decolonization brings about the repatriation of Indigenous land and life; it is not a metaphor for other things we want to do to improve our societies ..."

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Further Reading

So this post isn't just me reheating a hot take, here are some touchstone writings from around the TTRPG community about colonialism as a subject and mode of play in games:

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"Jim Corbett was called upon to hunt down another fifty maneaters over the course of the next 35 years. Together, those tigers had killed over 2000 people, for much the same reasons as the Champawat Tiger - injury, desperation, starvation, and habitat loss. Would you look at that. The root cause was British colonialism."

D&D Doesn't Understand What Monsters Are from Throne of Salt

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"Another effect of having colonizers in my setting would be giving players the opportunity to drive them away from the islands, their home. This maybe just be for the catharsis. After all, isn’t catharsis a big part of why we play roleplaying games?"

I’m Adding Colonizers To My Setting from Goobernut's Blog

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"When you have a slime boy and the other characters are a really fat lizard and one's playing Humpty Dumpty, it completely shatters the straight-faced serious authoritarian illusion of race, and replaces it with complete fucking nonsense. I love the idea of proliferating the number and types of "races" into absurdity, to the point where the entire logical structure of it collapses in on itself and race as a category ceases to become coherent or meaningful in any sense."

Interview with Ava Islam - Designer of the RPG Errant from Ava Islam / The Lost Bay

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"Perhaps most critically, the fundamental basis of power is not land or even money but manpower. That’s what local rulers fight over, and what Chinese commercial networks export, in return for unique island products. It’s what the European colonists really need (even if it’s not what they most desire). There is rich loot to be grabbed in the form of spices, Spanish silver, Indian gold, sea cucumbers (the Chinese love ’em), perfumes, dyes, cloth etc. so there’s ample opportunity for piracy, trade and smuggling, but the key to long-term success – the key to independent survival – is nakedly and unquestionably uniting people."

Counter-colonial Heistcrawl: previous high scores from Richard's Dystopian Pokeverse

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"They worked their own land—which they dispossessed from American Indians—or became small shop owners or opportunistic gold diggers or bounty hunters or itinerant ranchers. To me, substituting these situations for one ruled by industrial monopoly ignores that the Wild West is a perfect example of how capitalism operates outside of (or prior to) mass industry, instead being composed of self-employers and self-sustainers."

Fantastic Detours - Frontier Scum from Traverse Fantasy / Bones of Contention

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"... using the Western framing and D&D's baked-in imperialist and capitalist structure to get people earnestly participating in the experience of forming imperial power structures and the early roots of regional capitalism ... The PCs aren't the drifters on the train or the townsfolk watching with apprehension - they're the railroad itself."

An Arrow for the General: Confronting D&D-as-Western in the Kalahari from A Most Majestic Fly Whisk

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[puckleberryfinnie]

covey!reader in the quarter quell (introduction)

ok so because of the amount of likes I got on the post where I shared my idea for a fanfic (thank you so much to each and every one of you), I decided to write my first ever fanfic based on it!! this is just a little introduction to your character and the story that goes with it- I promise I have more in store if you guys want it, like reader meeting everyone. I’m sorry that this isn’t very good, I’ll hopefully improve with more practice <3

summary: an introduction to covey!reader’s story and your time in the 73rd Hunger Games and her reaping into the Quarter Quell

(based on my idea from this post: click me!)

warnings: fem!reader, killing, drowning, basically just me yapping for a bunch of paragraphs!! also this is pretty short lol

Nothing could’ve prepared you for getting your name called as the female tribute of District 11.

You only had minor guidance through the stories that had been told in your district. Passed from parent to kid, and so on, what the capital had tried so hard to erase was still present among the people of the lower districts. The Covey knew more than anyone. Your grandparent had been part of the group when Lucy Gray disappeared, you knew that much. They travelled, escaping the wrath and second-hand anger of Snow after he came into power.

They landed in District 11, growing small farms with even smaller houses. The Covey wasn't what it used to be, more quiet, adapting to a life of agriculture, still humming their ways through their work. You’d do anything for them, though. They were your family. So when your name was called, you knew you’d do what you could to survive for them. They needed you- and you needed them.

The whole experience was a blur. Getting paraded around was one thing. And you were used to the attention, being a performer and all. You sang. You sang every chance you could get- that was your leading attribute and you were going to spend your last days alive doing what you loved most. Caesar just ate it up, too. Your interview infront of the capital was no interview, but a last concert from you to the crowd, a sending-off to your death.

But this wasn’t your last performance. Your voice had more songs to sing, more stories to unfold. You miraculously made it out alive- thankfully without a single kill under your belt from the experience. You hid, others killed. And when it was down to the final two, you survived the final event: a storm in the arena strong enough to wash away any sign of living within it. The other tribute (a boy from district two) was not so lucky, drowning in a moment of panic.

The non-killer image made you very popular in the capital after you stepped out of the arena. Your victory tour was filled with victory songs at each stop, spreading a message of positivity for the districts. Everyone seemed to be appeased by your performance- even Snow.

You didn’t watch the games the next year. Any mention of the games left an uncomfortable taste in your mouth and feeling you couldn’t seem to shake. This feeling only grew with the announcement of the Quarter Quell. You’d only just left the games, and now you would be led back into them?

Even with the other female winners in your district, you still felt uneasy about it. Not a single one of you should have to go through this again. You said your second goodbyes, this time with less hope of return. Everyone in the Covey cried (even the older boys who tried so hard to act tough).

The walk to the selection stage was silent- no one dared to say a word.

A piece of paper was plucked from the container

“And the female tribute from District 11 for the 75th Hunger Games is…”

It was slowly unfolded

“Y/N L/N.”

uh oh!! that’s not good!! I wonder what happens next!! seriously though thank you so much for reading through all of this, I know it’s kind of just me yapping the whole time- feel free to let me know what you think in the comments! if anyone wants a part two, let me know (I’ll also create a tag list if people want it <33)

Im planning on doing everything leading up to everyone actually entering the arena for the next part (like the training, the ability tests, the interviews), so let me know what you guys want to see!!

I’m also not really sure if I want to have the reader shipped with- I’m leading towards johanna but I’m open to suggestions <33

love ya!!

[kirschteinoir]

[1] you're here, that's the thing.

post-timeskip osamu miya x reader.

❝just one summer. just to appease her.❞

when life in the city becomes overwhelming, your grandmother decides to sign you up for a summer in the countryside working at onigiri miya, the best onigiri place this side of hyogo! you're not the biggest fan of the early starts and long hot days at first, but your attractive new boss may change your mind...

wc; 728

chapter masterlist.

𝙋𝘼𝙍𝙏 𝙊𝙉𝙀. 𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙖𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙡 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙚𝙨, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙙𝙚𝙬𝙮 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙣.

“i don’t know… i just want to do something new…”

the window frame of your small tokyo apartment digs into your arms as you lean dangerously into the spring breeze that finally started to make itself known after many months of red noses and cracked fingertips. you press the phone harder against your ear with one hand in fear of accidentally dropping it whilst reaching out to grab a falling cherry blossom petal with the other. you miss it, watching as it flutters through your fingertips and you reflexively sigh, hoping your downstairs neighbour may appreciate the beauty of spring too and perhaps succeed where you failed.

“tch, are ya sighin’ at me again?” your mother scolds from the other end of the line, her kansai dialect crackling into the receivers as her emotions got the better of her. you quickly rebut, shaking your head and pointing out of the window as if she were next to you in the cramped space of your 66 x 66 square metre prison cell.

“no ma, i swear! i’ve just been in a weird mood lately,” you admit reluctantly, ashamed that you hadn’t yet found your footing in the working world of modern tokyo. you were always the kind of kid who’d tell everyone that one day you’d be the prime minister, or an astronaut, or a famous celebrity, and everyone should get your autograph right now so they would have something worth millions in the future and the bragging rights that they were your classmate at one point. but it didn’t take long for the tumultuous reality of adulthood and life beyond high school entrance exams to hit you - you were still a hard worker to your core but after completing a bachelor’s degree and being left to your own devices as a fully-fledged adult, the foundations of those wild ambitions you’d grown up clutching close to your chest were maybe not as steady as you’d thought.

“as i was saying,” your mother cut through your thoughts sharply, in that way mother’s do when you’re about to be lectured about your life decisions. “how about visiting grandma for a while? for the summer, at least.” 

before you could protest, your mother sensed your reluctance and hastily followed up.

“ya haven’t seen her in ages, when was the last time you went to hyogo? and you’ve been stuck in the city for so long, i can imagine the fresh countryside air would do ya the world of good!”

biting back your whines, you desperately try to think of an appropriate response to your determined mother. while of course you would love to see your grandmother again (she’s probably not had many visitors since your grandfather passed), some part of you rejected your humble beginnings. you’d moved away from a simple life in the countryside at a very young age thanks to your father’s new job in the glittering oasis of tokyo and only ever went back for a week or two during the school summer holidays to see your grandparents. and every summer you’d hated how the dirt never really left the underside of your fingernails or how there was nowhere to hide from the heat, your tiny electric fan about as helpful as a bucket in a flood. eventually your visits ceased altogether and subsequently so did the guilt of missing your grandparents.

“i’ll give grandma a ring as soon as we hang up. she’d love to see her only grandchild again, all grown up!”

ah.

she’d really pulled that card.

despite your initial reluctance, your mother ignores your grumblings and cheers in delight as you finally agree to spend the summer in hyogo with your grandma. just one summer. just to appease her.

it was fast approaching late afternoon by the time you bid your mother goodbye. you’d talked about so much since the initial proposal that you’d half-hoped she would forget her declaration to give her own mother a call; you’d supposed luck had never really been on your side because just as you had convinced her that yes, you had enough groceries for now and yes you were taking your vitamins regularly and definitely drinking plenty of water, she’d brought the subject up one last definitive time.

“i’ll call your grandma now and let you know what she says. bye sweetheart!”

and then the line was dead.

about me. 

ao3 link.

[sidetongue]

What is Budgie like? She's clearly confident for a small dog, and you've mentioned some things like her preferring to play with her brothers to playing with a human, but how would you describe the personality of this odd little gremlin creature of yours?

I simultaneously love this question and don’t know how to answer it! Budgie is the socialite of the family and the most likely to make friends whilst also maintaining her boundaries. She will meet a chihuahua and a Rottweiler the same way: “hey man I’d LOVE to play, but if you push it I will let you know.” She’s confident, assertive, and communicative.

Budgie lacks a liiiittle bit of confidence when it comes to strange humans (particularly men) and can offer some fearful, appeasing behaviours. If she was in a room full of strangers and me, she’d hang out with me until basically forced to interact with a stranger. Whereas, Harold would not rest until he was friends with everybody.

She is very driven, biddable, intelligent and FAST and she loves to learn and please me. However, if someone else asked her to do a cue she knows - she’d likely say “nope you’re not my mum”

Once you’re in her circle she’s sweet, affectionate, gentle and kind. She’d never dream of showing you sass or attitude… but if you’re not in her circle - she is a tenacious critter! My grandparents are obsessed with her which is a testimony to her sweet, soft side.

Video of her being very cross at sprig for trying to steal her coconut, whilst also checking in with me to make sure she was allowed to be angry 😂

[mister-mickey]

you should make arab two-but headcanons pretty please

okay I know who asked this ( @crazability ) and I’m not super confident but I did a little bit of research so I hope this isn’t dumb 😭

- first of all, his name is Keith Mathews, so I’d say his dad is probably white or something, doesn’t really matter since the asshole left anyway. BUT ON TO BRIGHTER THINGS, he loves his mom so much omg he is such a mamas boy.

- His mom came to America for university because she’s a smart cookie and wanted to travel the world, ended up staying because she fell in love with his dad. And then he left and she doesn’t have a degree so she’s a barmaid now 🙃

- I like to think his dad left when his mom was pregnant with his sister, so his sister probably has a more Arabic name. Let’s call her Mariam

- I like to think that Cathy and M&M are his cousins because like him, they have grey eyes, so he’s super close with them and they like to hang out whenever their parents have parties or weddings or whatever. He will eat until he passes out, wake up, and then start dancing and making himself the center of attention. It embarrasses his little sister so much

- He does not respect his elders and it embarrasses his mom so bad, it’s like the only thing he can do to actually make her mad at him 😭

- He has met his grandparents once, because they came to visit, and he made a dick joke. His mom just stared at him for a second in absolute shock

- Despite that, his grandparents actually do like him a lot. They like his sister more though, because she’s a sweet little thing

- He isn’t actually religious but his mom is, so he does some things just to appease her (especially when she’s upset with him and he wants to make it up to her)

- For example, he has a tattoo that he covers up when he’s at home so he doesn’t upset his mom.

- He actually has kind of wavy/curly hair, but he cuts it short enough that it isn’t really easy to see, also he greases it so it isn’t always obvious. He got that hair from his mom (the type, not the color. He got the carrot orange from his father)

- His mom is always making him take food to the Curtis bros 😭

Hope these are okay craz 🌺

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 14

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 696

Masterlist

My Joe is kind of like Netflix!Joe and also like Book!Joe, who kills people and then goes "So anyway..."

I thought you'd notice how distracted I am, considering the amount of time we've been spending together.

But no, you are fighting with your grandparents and your mother isn't answering your calls and you don't want to talk about it so I am giving you your space. It's that easy.

You are thankful. You promise you'll make it up to me later.

You don't have to make anything up to me, (Y/n). You are giving me the time I need to rid the world of a pest.

It's surprisingly easy to get Jasper alone. His polygamous relationship is unfulfilling (shocking), so he spends most of his free time running around New York with his ‘friends’, who probably wouldn't notice if I walked up and stabbed him right in front of them. His evenings consist of getting drunk at shady bars and buying drugs from shady people. It only costs me three days to figure out his entire pattern.

How this man manages to be so put-together at work every day is one of life's great mysteries.

On day four, I spend the early afternoon at a thrift shop. I buy a tracksuit that looks sufficiently used and a baseball cap that looks sufficiently new. At the end of the work day, I wait around outside your office (making sure you don't see me when you leave) for Jasper to come out.

And then I follow him.

Jasper doesn't drive. He's the kind of asshole who takes the train because he thinks it makes him look down to earth. Good thing for me, because it makes it so much easier to stay on his tail.

First, he goes home, but he only stays there for an hour. Just long enough to appease his wife. Then, he leaves again.

Tonight's shady bar is actually near your apartment, but I don't think Jasper knows that. All he knows is this is the wrong kind of neighborhood, which means it's the right kind of neighborhood for his purposes.

I really need to get you to keep your windows closed.

Jasper meets three guys outside and they all shout-greet each other and slap each other's shoulders the way these types often do, and then they go inside.

You know how you can tell that I love you, (Y/n)? I spend nearly six hours waiting inside the disgusting alley, leaning against the wall with one leg bent, foot against the brick, like drug dealers in movies do. I've got my cap pulled low over my eyes and I pretend I'm texting frantically. When the wrong people approach me, I glare at them until they walk away.

It's after midnight when Jasper stumbles outside. He is alone. He is either so drunk or so uninterested that he doesn't realize he knows me. He wants cocaine and I tell him I have some.

There's a woman smoking at the mouth of the alley, but her back is to us and it is so easy to lead Jasper around the corner to where there's a dead-end and knock him out. There are no cameras here, no doors. There is a dumpster, but nobody's going to come out and throw anything away until two am, when the bar closes.

Jasper should be grateful. He dies without anyone noticing - including himself. It's easy. Painless.

When they find his body, it will be a drug deal gone wrong and everyone will pretend they never thought something like that would happen to him even though they really did think it would. They were waiting for it. People like Jasper always end up like this in the end.

Nobody will ever think to connect either of us to his death. Why would they? You would never come to a place like this and me? I barely know the guy.

As I leave, I check my phone for texts from you. There are none because you don't know what I just did for you, so you don't know to thank me. But when you find out about Jasper's death, you will pretend to be sad and secretly thank whoever is responsible, which means you will be thanking me anyway.

[girl-next-door-writes]

More Than You Could Ever Know

Characters: Steve Rogers x Reader  

Summary: Steve becomes your knight in shining armour, but things start to get a little too close to the truth for comfort. 

Word Count: 1763 words 

Prompt: #19: Fake dating to appease the parents but it turns real. 

A/N: The lovely @zaramarrogers chose this prompt for the wonderful Mr. Steve Rogers, and I think it is super cute. 

Steve looked up from his sketchbook as you burst into the room. “Okay, which of you fantastic, amazing, kind, wonderful, handsome men are prepared to be my fake boyfriend for an evening? I can offer a free three course meal at a nice restaurant and free drinks. Though not enough for you to get drunk because you need to impress my parents.”  

“I would love to offer my services, but I think Pepper would kill me.” Tony grinned, leaning on the back of the sofa. 

“Yeah, your ‘playboy’ days are long gone, Stark, but thank you for the hypothetical offer.”  

“Don’t take Barnes,” Sam smirked, “He’ll scare the crap out of everyone with that murder stare of his, and his resting bitch face.” 

“Hey! I’ve not got resting bitch face.” Bucky frowned, utilizing his murder stare. 

“Look, I don’t care which one of you steps up here, I just need someone because I cannot sit through another Christmas family celebration with all my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, my parents, everyone, and have that same damned conversation. The one where everyone tries to work out what’s wrong with me because I’m still single. Just once, I would like to just have a nice night, so will someone do me a solid here?”  

The fact you didn’t care who did you this favour made Steve’s stomach drop. He had been hoping the two of you had been moving towards being closer, that you might have sort him out to ask this favour of him, but that wasn’t the case.  

“Well, Hope wouldn’t be overjoyed about Scott playing that role. Bucky is too scary, Clint is too grumpy, Tony is too under the thumb, so I guess...” Sam grinned, watching Steve out the corner of his eye. 

“I’ll do it.” Steve blurted out, not wanting Sam to offer first. The thought of you pretending to be with anyone, or even really being with anyone, made his blood run cold. He wanted you more than you would ever realise, and if this was as close as he was going to get then he would take it.  

“Really?” Your face lit up with a smile and you practically bounced over to him, kneeling on the sofa beside him and wrapping your arms around his shoulders. “You really are the best, Steve Rogers. Total life saver. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” You enthused and Steve basked in your happiness, watching with a goofy smile as you bounded out of the room to get ready for the family gathering.  

“Thought you were gonna fumble that one, man.” Sam smirked. “Now go show the girl how good you would be together. Take the shot.”  

Steve was nervous and as he stood beside you outside the restaurant, he tried to swallow down his anxiety. This was a huge amount of pressure. What if your family didn’t like him? What if he did something and you saw him differently? When your hand slipped into his, he looked down at you and gave you a reassuring smile. He was here for you, to give you a nice evening, everything else didn’t matter.  

“You ready? You remember the back story and everything?”  

“This isn’t my first mission, doll. I can do this.”  

“Right, well, here we go.”  

He held the door open for you and as soon as the two of you entered you were engulfed in hugs by women of various ages. The warm welcome caught Steve off guard, but he smiled and returned greetings, even blushed at the compliments that came his way.  

“Come, come sit. We’ve got the large table at the back. Now then, Steve, I can see why she kept you all to herself, she obviously didn’t want to share such a fine young man.” Your mother teased as she hooked her arm through his and led him off to the table. Steve looked over his shoulder at you, a hint of panic in his eyes.  

“You’ve got this.” you mouthed, giving him two thumbs up as you followed behind.  

By the time everyone had made their way through the starters, Steve was feeling much more comfortable. His arm rested on the back of your chair, and he made sure to keep you close. He joked with your grandfather, talked sports with your father, even shared some stories about life outside of missions. Every few minutes, he would glance at you, checking in, and make sure you were okay and enjoying yourself.  

Leaning into Steve as you talked to your aunt across the table, you couldn’t help but notice how easy this all was. He made you laugh as much as Bucky did, was as interesting as Bruce, could weave a story as well as Tony, in fact, he was pretty much the perfect boyfriend. Fake boyfriend, you mentally corrected yourself. This was all pretend after all, there was no need to get caught up in thoughts of what could definitely never be.  

You tuned back into Steve’s conversation as dessert was placed on the table. It seemed that someone had asked about when he realised you were the one for him. A sense of panic washed over you, this was not something you had covered in the extensive backstory you’d concocted.  

“You know, people talk about these big moments, all dramatic and emotional. It wasn’t like that. I was coming back from a workout late one night, I couldn’t sleep, and I headed to the kitchen to grab a drink. She was sat at the counter wearing a huge hoodie that drowned her, hair all disheveled from sleep, pillow creases still on her cheek, and her hands wrapped around a warm mug. She looked all sleepy and on the verge of falling asleep right there on the counter. I had this overwhelming urge to just pick her up and carry her to her bed, tuck her in and just be with her. Not that I told her any of that because I was fairly certain I didn’t stand a chance. I mean, look at her, she’s amazing. So, there I was, just looking at her like some love stuck teenager or something, and she rubbed her eye, yawned and then fell backwards off the stool. I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast in my life! I caught her, made sure she was sitting securely, and she looked up at me and said, ‘Hey Cap, didn’t see you there.’ That was it. As if she just knew I’d stop her from falling even if she didn’t know I was there.”  

Your cheeks grew warm. You remembered that night, it had been so long ago, and you were surprised that was the moment he’d chosen to share. Watching his expression, you suddenly began to understand how much that moment had meant to him. Replaying all your interactions with Steve, it felt as if a floodgate of realisation had been opened. Innocent interactions now held so much significance. Small touches, the times you caught him looking at you, the words that hung in the air between you unspoken.  

“And what about you, dear? When did you realise Steve was the one?” Your Grandmother asked and you felt all eyes on you, expectant.  

“I, erm, I needed someone to help me with this thing, this mini mission, and Steve was the first to offer to help. He put so much work into it, made sure it all went perfectly and he always seems to surprise me. I never really thought about it before but he’s right, I know he will always be there to catch me, and I want to be there for him too. There have been so many little moments, helping me with tree day and dancing to cheesy Christmas music. He is... he’s wonderful, and I am very lucky to have him in my life.” You glanced up at Steve who was looking at you as if you hung the stars.  

The moment was broken by the cheers as the last of the desserts arrived and everyone could tuck in. Steve found he wasn’t all that hungry. The butterflies in his stomach took up more room than he would like, and his mind was whirling. Did you mean what you had said? Was it part of the pretence? Did you like him too? It wasn’t as if he could ask you any of that in front of your family, so he kept quiet, indulging in small talk and trying his best not to get his hopes up.  

Steve managed to hold in all his questions until you arrived back at the compound. As you trudged up the gravel driveway towards the main door, he tugged at your hand, silently asking you to stop. Once you entered the building then the evening would be over, the pretence would be done with, and he needed just a few more moments.  

“Tonight was...” he began, trailing off as he got distracted by your eyes. 

“You were a big hit. I think I will have to bring you along to all future family gatherings or I’ll never hear the end of it.” you chuckled. 

“I wouldn’t mind that.” he said softly, running his thumb over yours.  

“No?” 

“No. I could very easily get used to being your boyfriend.”  

The lack of the word ‘fake’ hung between you, the silence loaded.  

“So, if this was a date then what happens next?” You asked, your eyes darting momentarily to his lips.  

“Well, I would escort you to your door, thank you for a wonderful evening, and...” 

You surged up and pressed your lips to his before he could finish his sentence. It took him a moment to catch up with what was happening, but as soon as he did, he was kissing you back eagerly. His arms wrapped around you, holding you close as if you might evaporate or vanish like a dream. When he eventually pulled back a little, he rested his forehead against yours.  

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He said breathily. 

“Then maybe we should make up for lost time.” You hummed, cupping his face and bringing him in for another kiss.   

[bigfeelingstiedtongue]

i don't drink a lot. only on special occasions with friends. i drink for a good time, not to deal with bad times. i never take it up as a coping mechanism because it's slippery slope i'm not willing to risk falling into.

but sometimes it gets really tempting.

it's always so disappointing looking at them and seeing the kind, amazing people they could have been. they constantly say that we can be whatever we want and not to compare ourselves to other people but to who we were in the past, yet they constantly say things that contradict that so badly. and i know its a generational thing because i've always heard the same from my grandparents, and i absolutely despise it.

i recently found out that one of my younger cousins from my father's side basically made it his goal to outdo me academically (consistent honors student that makes it seem effortless, ig) because our grandmother kept comparing us. i hate that for him, and i hate it because i know my brothers feel the same way even if they would never say it. when things get really rough, i hear the bitterness in their tones when they speak of me and the constant criticisms. i try my best to comfort them, but i'm probably the last person they want to speak to when in those moods.

i never wanted to be the standard. i nearly broke under the pressure of having to be the pristine first grandchild who could do no wrong (no vices, great grades, rarely complaining, etc.). in my head, if i kept it up, all the attention and they would be free of the pressure that has haunted me. i was wrong and i ended up as another tool in this cycle of generational trauma, and i absolutely hate that.

my mother may not know it, but she does make me feel like an investment to an extent. she uses herself and her siblings as an example of constantly helping each other financially, but she doesn't see what we see as the next generation.

we see how our grandmother disregards our aunt's feelings to the point our uncle has to step up.

we see how while they do help their eldest with financial problems, they hold it against him sometimes.

we see how one of my grandmother's brothers is such a deadbeat that he relies on his sisters for most of his financial needs because he decided to have more than 5 children with multiple different women without having financial stability. and we see his youngest growing up to be exactly like him

we see how they want to appease family so bad that they'll do nearly everything for approval. at one point, my grandmother let some extended family sleep in her room for a night and she got expensive jewelry stolen, but she didn't know who stole it so she let it slide.

we see how until now, they're so afraid to disappoint family that they're willing to compromise their own desires and boundaries.

i don't want that for us. am i wrong for thinking that? am i wrong for not being willing to disrespect myself for other people?

at some point you just get used to that emptiness that you don't even notice it anymore. i can acknowledge to some degree that i need some help but i've been doing fine so far so why bother, right? i'm coping just fine, so until i can no longer cope, i'll keep going as i always have.

i like to think i'm in a better place now, though.

[ukulelegodparent]

idk why i'm telling you this it's probably so stupid but i'm in a ltr with my third half-cousin (that means like ~4% related) and to explain why that is i'd have to talk about pandemic isolation and the fact that he basically took me in (not on the condition that he got to exploit me. there were no strings attached. i chose to stay). he's the first nonviolent relationship i've ever had. before i met him i was so terrified all the time that i couldn't think. now i'm about to graduate college because he gave me stability. he's gentle and reliable and never ever hurts me. we barely ever do sexual things but we live happily together going on 4 years. this is not considered normal in my area, i don't fit the profile people usually think of, nor does he. before us i would've thought it was terrible. we were really scared and appalled at first and we tried to walk away. but why? to appease a society that doesn't give a fuck about me? for reasons that don't apply to my situation? he probably saved my life. he got me out of harm's way and gave me everything good. i've never told anyone before. feel free to delete this. i just thought you seemed somewhat openminded and it might be interesting to know from someone like me.

I mean I think I kind of draw the line at plausible deniability. Like I feel like the number of people who know all their third cousins is pretty limited. Hell I would say I am on the 'knows quite a lot of my extended family' side of things and I don't even know all of my second cousins. Part of my grandfather's extended family moved to the city I live in rn. I don't know any of those people. I don't think my grandfather knows any of those people even. So technically I could hook up with a random person in this city and they could be my third or fourth cousin and we would literally never know. I don't know any of my third cousins. The only reason I know two of my fourth or fifth cousins is precisely because their mother still lived in the same village as my grandparents and that village has meticulous records. So idk of course it's weird and taboo etc. But like you're two consenting adults and third degree cousins is not that closely related if we're being real.

[childofchrist1983]

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. - Job 1:20-21 KJV

Job is the ultimate example of praising God and not blaming Him for his misfortunes. Job had just learned that all of his flocks, all his servants, his wife and his children had been destroyed. He still refuses to blame God. His friends will badger him for days trying to convince him to turn his back on God, but he resists and refuses.

There may be some among you who have suffered much in this world, all have suffered some. What was your response? We have lost jobs because of the lies of others. We have lost parents, grandparents, a child and grandchildren. We have been poor and dependent on the generosity of others. I, like you, know what it means to suffer. Now, I'm no Job and I admit I wasn't too happy with God. If you are reading this, then you, too, haven't turned your back on God either. God does not bring about our misfortunes and yet so many people believe that either God does it, or that there is no God. I admit that I wouldn't want to believe in a God who caused us pain. It would have been easier for the people of Job's time to believe that God was behind Job's problems because that was what the people believed of their gods who demanded constant sacrifices to appease them. They also believed that those who suffered must have done something to offend the gods, or God. We can sometimes be guilty of that kind of thinking as well. God is good, all the time and all the time God is good. This is one of the favorite sayings of many of my friends. Bad things happen to us just as they did to Job. May we have the same attitude as Job and be thankful that God brings us through it. God gives us everything that is good, and He helps us work through the bad things that we must endure. May we remain faithful and praise God as Job had done all the days of our lives!

May we make sure that we give our hearts and lives to God and take time daily to seek and praise Him and share His Truth with the world. May the LORD our God and Father in Heaven help us to stay diligent and obedient and help us to guard our hearts in Him and His Word daily. May He help us to remain faithful and full of excitement to do our duty to Him and for His glorious return and our reunion in Heaven as well as all that awaits us there. May we never forget to thank the LORD our God and our Creator and Father in Heaven for all this and everything He does and has done for us! May we never forget who He is, nor forget who we are in Christ and that God is always with us! What a mighty God we serve! What a Savior this is! What a wonderful Lord, God, Savior and King we have in Jesus Christ! What a loving Father we have found in the Almighty God! What a wonderful God we serve! His will be done!

Thanks and glory be to God! Blessed be the name of the LORD! Hallelujah and Amen!

[mewmewkitten101]

Keiko Kuromiya, Chapter 1: A Whole New World... Erm, I Mean Country

alright so i keep forgetting and not having the time to update the kingdoms character introduction post so here's a treat from me to you (seriously someone remind me to update it again). first chapter of keiko kuromiya on tumblr! i still prefer to post on ao3 and wattpad so here's the links to the ao3 and wattpad versions if your like me. ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41188155/chapters/103253859 wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/1261336955-keiko-kuromiya-the-cut-faced-woman-chapter-1-a

keiko kuromiya was also originally meant to be a story that's free for all to read everywhere! But if you enjoy reading and want to throw some money at me for your appreciation then please head to these links below!

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/MewClawfur Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/mewmewkitten redbubble: https://www.redbubble.com/people/MewMewKitten/shop?asc=u

without further ado, let's get into it!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

March 20th, 2022, 12:19 AM

Well, from the bad news I learned today at least I got a new diary, which I’ve been needing for a month. I suppose you and I should get acquainted, new diary. I’m Keiko Kuromiya, how are you? Yes, I know treating my diary like a sentient being seems a little weird, but I’ve made a name for myself for being weird. Maybe this diary will end up somewhere when I’m older, those readers should at least know my name. I’ll get into the bad part of today now, it’ll probably be the most interesting thing to happen for THIS, diary #37. And yes, I’ve had 36 previous diaries. Oh, one last thing. I also name my diaries. How about… Tanya for you, #37? Good? Perfect!

It all started during spring break. I was hyped because who doesn’t love a break? I started planning outfits and stuff while talking to my friends but then my parents  dropped the bomb on me just earlier today. 

We’re moving to Japan the 25th.

Despite the sound of my name and my physical appearance (which is very east asian looking, except for the fact I have freckles from my mom), I’m Japanese-Irish. Papa grew up in Japan and was there all his life until college. He went abroad to study, where he met my mom. All of a sudden, his priorities changed. My Japanese grandparents weren’t happy for him wanting to leave, but he refused to stay. It would be easier for him to move to America where he already knew the language and was already familiar with everything there, compared to my mom, who would have to start learning and becoming familiar. To appease them, he did promise that someday we would move back to Japan. 

Originally the plan was to move when I was eleven, but we kept pushing it off for another year, then saying to let me finish middle school first. Would there ever really be a good time though? I knew it had to happen eventually, my paternal grandparents were too stubborn to ever let it go.

So earlier today we were sitting around the dinner table at home, the very small and brown one. We were eating miso ramen, which Papa grew up eating. Some of the ingredients we can’t find around here though, not even at any of the asian supermarkets which annoys him to no end. 

I’m just sitting there, enjoying my ramen, when my mom starts to ask me a question.

“Keiko, you know how your grandparents always wanted us to move to Japan?” 

“Oh no, is that happening soon?” I shrank in my seat.

“Yes. We debated whether to tell you in advance or closer to the moving day. We couldn’t decide in the end so unfortunately we could only tell you now. I’m sorry Keiko.” Papa apologized, bowing in his seat.

“Couldn’t we have waited until I was older?” I protested.

“We’re sorry, but we already bought a house and everything, it’s too late to back out now.” Mom apologized again. 

I was already close to tears, so I went to my room. I was sobbing for hours and hours. I stayed in bed for a good couple of hours, overthinking everything, which is what I do every day of my life, so that’s not very unusual.

I’m kind of annoyed they waited THIS long. Not just kind of, extremely, EXTREMELY annoyed. No, not annoyed, upset and angry. I knew this was happened at some point, but why do I have to find out this on my spring break, and it’s happening in four days? I think it might’ve been fun to buy a house with them if they just told me earlier!

I did suspect this though, because I was looking at a few colleges just for fun (listen, you can never be too prepared for college) and they were quiet and kept staring back at each other.

Anyway, at like, 9 PM my mom knocked at the door.

“Keiko, are you awake?” She whispered.

“Yes.” I sat up in my bed, revealing myself from the covers.

“Your father and I were talking. What if during holidays your friends can fly out to Japan or we can go visit them. I know that doesn’t fix us moving but I know how important it is you keep seeing them and everything.” Mom said.

“Please, I want to keep seeing them in Japan.”

“Alright. We’re leaving the 25th. Maybe we can have one last big hurrah before then?”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll tell them tomorrow.” 

“Oh, and one more thing. We finally got you a new diary! Sorry it took so long. Okay, goodnight Keiko.” Mom handed me my new diary before closing the door. In darkness I come make out a black composition notebook.

Obviously, I wrote in my diary first before actually going to sleep. Which I guess I’ll be doing right now. Goodnight.

March 21th, 2022, 5:29 PM

Four Days Until The Move

Time is limited so I will be updating this diary after dinner, which I just finished. Today I had to break the news to my freinds. I also recorded the entire text chat. In the future my diaries may be fine literature and I’d like to look back at them if anything does happen to them. But also sometimes I can write conversations into my diary while bored and trying to think of something to write about.

Me

Guys I have important news I learned last night

10:48 AM

Clay 😠

How are you awake so early

Anyway what’s up that doesn’t sound good

10:48 AM

Me

You guys know how I’ve talked about how I’ll probably move to Japan someday

We’re moving there on the 25th

10:49 AM

Clay 😠

WHAT YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL US 10:49 AM

Me

IF IT WAS UP TO ME I WOULD’VE KNOWN WAY EARLIER

MY PARENTS TOOK TOO LONG TO DECIDE ON IF THEY SHOULD’VE TOLD ME WAY IN ADVANCE OR CLOSER TO THE MOVING DAY BUT THEY DEBATED FOR SO LONG THEY ONLY THOUGHT TO TELL ME LAST NIGHT

10:51 AM

Lukey Boy

Your parents are a little stupid tbh

10:51 AM

Anneville

THEY WHAT?

Am I legally allowed to throw hands

10:52 AM

Me

No.

So like are you guys free between now and the 25th?

Would you guys also wanna like come to the airport and see me one last time before I go to Japan.

10:53 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I just woke up what the heck I didn’t wanna be hit with you moving away

10:54 AM

Lukey Boy

You should’ve tried not staying awake until 3 in the morning

10:55 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

Whatever I’m not getting into a fight right now

Anyway Keiko I’m free today maybe we can do something? :D

I don’t care what my parents say though I WILL be there on the 25th. Just tell me what time

10:56 AM

Clay 😠

I’m free the 25th too

10:56 AM

Lukey Boy

Me too!

10:57 AM

Anneville

Me as well!

I’m gonna be on vacation until that day unfortunately so I won’t see you until the 25th but we’ll make the best of it!

10:58 AM

Me

Okay okay good

Let me ask my parents what time we’re leaving

10:59 AM

Me

Okay so they said the 25th at 5 PM

We’re basically gonna spend the morning going to places I grew up and doing like a last goodbye

We’re getting up at 8 AM to pack and everything

You guys can either come to the airport in the afternoon just for the send off part or join us in the morning too.

The car is getting taken by a friend so we can drive you guys in the morning but after we leave for Japan you’re gonna need a ride sorted out because obviously we won’t be there to drive you back home

This is the schedule mom and dad set up

8:00 - 8:30 Pack away stuff, put in the car

8:30 - 9:30  Eat breakfast at IHOP

9:30 - 10:00 Go to the playground at the elementary school

10:00 - 10:10 Drive past the middle and high school

10:10 - 11:00 Visit my mom’s side of the family

11:05 - 2:00 Drive to the airport

2:00 - 3:00 Bag checks

3:00 - 4:00 Lunch?

4:00 - 5:00 Wait until it’s time

5:00 Time.

11:10 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

Do you know where you’re moving to?

How long is the flight?

11:11 AM

Me

Somewhere in Hokkaido

The actual flight itself is like 30 hours

We’re doing like 2 layovers

Gonna be a very long flight

I’ll be texting you in between landings

I’m gonna have to get a new phone though so I may need to like write a letter sending you my new number or something

Anyway we’ve been talking about this way too long Clara what should we do

Anyone else that’s free can tag along

11:12 AM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I can! :D!

Let’s hang out at 2

Maybe at the ice cream shop or something

11:13 AM

Clay 😠

I’m bored I’m gonna tag along

11:14 AM

Me

Kk see y’all in a bit!

11:14 AM

And then nothing else exciting happened until we met up.

Oh, Tanya, I haven’t introduced you to the rest of my friends either! Clay is Clayton Van Der Veen, Clear Shepard is Clara Shepard, Lukey boy is Lucas Slater and Anneville is Annika Granville.

Okay moving on. I cannot possibly explain and write all the conversations we had. I think the memories of today is better through the videos and quotes I took. But yeah we had fun getting ice cream and reminiscing the past years of our lives.

Eleven years of friendship and in four days it could fizzle out. Or we could become more bonded than we’ve ever been. I’m terrified, honestly. My friends have a better time staying close with people when they can interact with them. Personally I don’t, but our group has had people come and go. 

There was once a girl Clara, Luke, Annika and I knew for a really long time. Her name was Jia Xun. She was one of the other few Asian kids in the school. Screw it, honestly, maybe even in the entire district. We met in 2nd grade. But 2 years ago the summer before we were starting highschool she had to move away. Things went on kind of normally for like six months. We still talked constantly, we’d visit whenever we could. But after that six month honeymoon period slowly everyone else started to distance away from her. We made a new group chat just for the four of us. A group chat of the people that live in town, they said. I still talk to her quite a lot, she doesn’t respond much.

And sometimes I wonder, did I contribute to all that by accident? Is that why she doesn’t respond to me a lot of the time? What if I become the next Jia? Clay was essentially Jia’s “replacement”. We met him quite literally the day after Jia moved away. What if they ditch me and I get replaced?

It’s getting late. Tomorrow I guess I’ll bring it up to whoever can hang out with me.

March 22nd, 2022, 6:05 PM

Three Days Until The Move

I rushed through dinner to update my diary tonight. Literally shoving down chicken and rice down my throat. I almost choked, that was pretty fun. Mom and Papa tried to have a little conversation with me but I could only respond with my mouth full of food. Anyway, hopefully I can properly log everything that happened today.

Me

Who can hang out today

Kinda wanna talk about something important

Besides Annika

Mom and Papa are out doing important moving stuff so I have the house to myself for awhile

1:49 PM

CLEAR SHEPARD

I WOKE UP EARLY FOR THIS

YES

Do your parents know how to make coffee by any chance by the way

1:50 PM

Me

Yes

Also oh my god the prophecy has been fufilled

1:50 PM

Lukey Boy

Yes

Anybody wanna play some video games I can bring some

1:50 PM

Clay 😠

I’m also free

1:51 PM

Me

You guys can come over like right now if you want

1:52 PM

Lukey Boy

Kk!

1:53 PM

They came over in like twenty minutes. Maybe thirty minutes of them beng over, we’re in the tv room, gaming together, and having a great time. I’ve agonized over how and when to bring up the topic of moving, so I bring up Jia.

“Do you guys still talk to Jia at all? She doesn’t respond to me anymore.”

“Occassionally, yeah. She seems busy most of the time.” Clara said.

“Is that why we all stopped talking to her regularly?” 

“Yeah, I think since she’s sixteen now, she’s looking for a job and has friends in North Woods that she naturally got closer to since she probably sees them often.” Clay sighed.

“That makes sense. Do you think that… when I move to Japan we won’t be friends anymore?” I asked. I slowly breathed, biting my lip. I can’t cry here. Not in front of them. I hate crying in front of other people.

“Who knows for sure? We’ll do our best to make it work. Believe me, I felt the same when I moved away from my hometown.” Luke reassured me. 

“Even if it does happen we promise our friendship wouldn’t end on a sour note.” Said Clay.

I was so relieved. I always was suspicious about Jia slowly getting pushed out of the group but it does make sense when I think about it.

After that it was mostly just. More dumb stupid shenaniganery, including but not limited to: Clara drinks so much coffee she starts shaking, Clay hates hiveswap, and Luke commits crimes in pokemon.

Another day better recorded with videos than in my diary. I wonder if they’d ever consider making videos playable in books or something. Anyway, goodnight.

March 25nd, 2022, 8:05 PM

3 Hours and 5 Minutes After Boarding

Okay, usually I am obsessed with my diary and recording my day but I was . get to do much else.

Gotta be honest, I’m a little tuckered out and sad so I’m gonna do a summary of today rather then a full detailed run down.

I woke up at like 6:30 to pack super early so I could dedicate some time to texting my friends. And to cry. This is something people do right? I thought if I cried in the morning I would have no tears to shed… but that didn’t do much I cried like every part of the day. 

Then at 9 we went for breakfast at IHOP. We made a reservation since there was 15 of us. Us kids all sat at one end of the table while the adults were at the other end. We laughed, we all cried, we got a dessert. I also got gifts from Clara, Clay, Luke and Annika for some reason. Another diary from Clara, a new dress from Annika, what I can assume to only be a years’ worth of hair dye from Clay and some books about Japan from Luke. Luke’s been preparing for this since the day we met for some reason and he read up on Japan a long time ago and it was only fitting he pass them on to me. I never told Luke that someday I would move to Japan immediately so I don’t know why he had them since the day we met.

At 9:30 we hit up the playground at the elementary school. Luke never visited so we ended up recording a video like we’re doing an MTV house tour. Yeah don’t ask we don’t know either we thought it was funny.

At 10 we drove past the high school and middle school. We all reminisced about our middle school adventures and high school adventures. Then my friends all went to the airport since traffic was bad and my parents and I went to my maternal grandparents’ house. 

We got there at 10:10. It wasn’t really a drive since my grandparents live right by the elementary school. I said hello and goodbye to a bunch of my relatives, though in all honesty I was more focused on talking to my friends. Grandpa and Grandma were bawling to my Mom and Papa. They love dad so dearly, since Mom grew up in a house of like, her and six other sisters.

Then at 11:05 we made our way to the airport. Traffic was bad, as usual. We got there at 2 for bag checks then met up with my friends for lunch. This was when it was really hitting me.

I mean we’re all in a position where we can visit each other no problem. Okay with some problems but those problems aren’t money. We’re not gonna be able to see each other regularly. I can’t tour my new school, talk about the teacher feuds and drama that the upper or underclassman have with them like I used to. I was bawling the entire time.

We finished by 4 and by then we basically had to play the waiting game. I was stressed out of my mind. I was too embarrassed to talk and let my friends hear my crying voice but I felt a little peace being surrounded by them.

At 4:50 we went to wait in line, my friends all joined us despite them not boarding so we could soak up as much interaction as possible. By then all of us were in tears and our parents were all starting to get sappy too. We started all saying goodbye. Then, it was the dreaded boarding.

They waved all in tears, I waved back, and I stepped down my gate, tears streaming down my face. My parents comforted me as we found our seat. I got the window seat and looked over and over at my gifts and my friends encouraging words. I wasn’t sure if I could be okay without them in Japan. I still feel that way.

I’m terrified. I can speak Japanese well. Papa has taught me the reading and I know katakana and hiragana fine, but I’m so bad at kanji. My grandparents in Japan wrote letters to me growing up so I could practice my writing, and though I have done my best to learn kanji I still need Papa to help me translate and read it. Thinking about this is starting to make me feel more upset so I’m going to try to calm down, maybe read one of the books Luke gave me.

The yokai seems interesting so I’ll tackle that one first. Later, diary.

[dangerous-mess]

Holiday Troubles

Characters: Aizawa, trans male reader

Contains: Unsupportive family, transphobia, homophobia, misgendering, mentions of a deadname (D/N), mentions of religion and praying, mentions of dysphoria, angst, hurt/comfort, angst with fluff ending. This was written mainly as a comfort fic during the winter holidays but wanted to post this here (originally posted on AO3). Please read with caution as this content may be triggering for some

Word Count: 2K+ 

The holidays were always rough for you, being not only gay but transgender as well. There were the off-putting tension and feelings every time you walked in the room, and the side glances and judgemental glares that were shot your way if you were even caught wearing something feminine and not masculine. Mostly from your parents and family, feeling the obligation that you had to follow gender norms in the hope to not only pass but to be taken seriously in your own identity.

The holidays got a little easier once you married your now husband. He made visiting your family a bit easier and made the holidays in general, more enjoyable for you. This year, unfortunately, he had meetings and a nightly patrol that he couldn’t get out of, so you were left to go to the Christmas family gathering by yourself.

The day came, and needless to say, you were a nervous mess. You dressed up in a suit, something masculine of course to appease your family and keep those comments at bay. Though, you knew you weren’t in the clear as there was still a high chance of being deadnamed and misgendered by family who were unsupportive or others who just didn’t try. Your husband, Shouta, let you know before he left early that morning that if you needed anything at all to give him or Hizashi a call and they would come and get you in a heartbeat. He said Hizashi, just in case he couldn’t be reached, which was fine with you, Hizashi had become a close friend to you.

You arrived at your parent's house a little later than they asked, just cause you were nervous and needed more time to prepare for this evening. You knocked on the front door, adjusting your suit as you waited for someone to open the door, only to be greeted by one of your younger siblings. They gave you a big hug, before dragging you inside where you were greeted by family. Your grandmother was the first to deadname you. She called out as you talked to your uncle, a devious smile on her face as the name rolled off her tongue. You cringed hearing it and so badly wanted to correct her, but if your mother caught wind that you did, who knows what drama may pursue. You endured the conversation with her, as she made sure to drop in your deadname every chance she could get.

“Honestly D/N, you really should stop playing dress up and realize that you are a girl. Your husband would be so much happier to have a wife who knows her place and not some confused girl.”

You took a deep breath and bid your goodbyes to your grandmother as you went to find someone else to talk to. Eventually, dinner was called, and you all gathered around and your grandfather said a prayer. You looked down at your feet the entire time, not really wanting to participate in the prayer. Soon it wrapped up and a line formed into the kitchen to get food. After everyone got food, everyone gathered around and talked, telling stories of things that happened within the past year in their lives, as well as asking questions to others to get the latest scoop. You just decided to eat silently, trying to not participate in the gossip fest happening before you.

“So Y/N, how are you and your husband doing?” Your dad asked before he took a sip of a beer. You held up your pointer finger, signaling that you needed a moment as your finished chewing food before you smiled and spoke.

“Oh, we are doing well! He sends his deepest apologies that he couldn’t make it, hero duties called.” You smiled, taking a quick glance around the room. Some whispers were exchanged, knowing it was about you and Shouta. It was clear that besides your family not supporting your identity, they also did not support your marriage to a hero. Especially a hero who was supportive of you and your identity.

“Honestly, how she manages to keep such a hero man, is insane. Like who would wanna marry some confused lesbian?” One of your aunts spoke out. You gripped your glass tightly, biting your tongue, not wanting to start any issues.

Other family members chimed in to add on to your aunt's comment and soon it became too much. You quickly excused yourself and went to the bathroom farthest away from your family. You pulled out your phone and texted your husband. You told him that you needed him or Hizashi or someone to come to pick you up, as you originally walked, as it was nice earlier prior to the sun setting. You quickly got a reply, saying your husband was on his way, and that he was getting someone to cover the rest of his patrol. You felt a bit bad to interrupt and have him leave his patrol, but god you just needed him right now more than anything.

You hid amongst the rooms as you waited for Shouta to send you a message or signal that he was here. Your mom called out your name, walking down the hall looking for you. The smile on her face dropped as she saw you and grabbed your arm.

“Come on Y/N, we are about to exchange gifts. Stop trying to hide and be nice and spend time with your family. It took a lot of work and effort to get everyone here, like your grandparents who haven’t seen you in ages.” Your mom aggressively whispered at you, as she pulled you towards the living room. You stayed silently, hoping that your husband would be here soon.

Your mom let you go and pointed to a chair near the tree. You sat down and were handed some gifts. You slowly opened them, trying not to draw attention to yourself. The first gift was in a gift bag, and opening it exposed a colorful piece of clothing. You pulled it out and it was a sundress. Although you didn’t mind breaking gender norms, dresses were never your thing, they held too many bad memories and made you dysphoric. You frowned, not having the energy to fake a smile. You felt your mind start to spiral before a voice pulled you out.

“Oh, D/N do you not like it. I made sure to even get the right size and everything. I thought you could put that on and surprise your husband when you go home. Imagine how he would react to see his wife, finally coming to terms with herself.” Your grandmother called out, staring at you the entire time. You went to open your mouth when another voice spoke up.

“Actually, I think my husband looks handsome and perfect just the way he is in the suit he is wearing, but thank you. Maybe we can save the dress and give it to one of my students, I know one of them would get much better use of it.” Shouta’s voice boomed out, making a hush fall across the room. You never heard the front door open, but then again Shouta was very good at staying silent. You looked at your husband, feeling all your emotions and feelings starting to rise to the surface. You caught a dirty look your mother gave you as you stood up and made your way over to Shouta.

He held out his hand as you got closer and held it tightly, quickly bidding goodbye for you both as he quickly led you outside to the car that was waiting outside and still running. “I had Hizashi drive me over, hope that’s okay.” You just nodded at him, not letting go of his hand until you got into the car. As soon as you and Shouta were in the car, Hizashi sped off.

“Heya listener, how did it go?” Hizashi asked out, peeking into the mirror looking back at you.

“I lasted longer than last year, so that’s a new record at least.” You joked, trying not to cry. At least not now, you had to make it until you were home and in bed, with your husband holding you close.

Hizashi talked most of the ride home, while Shouta kept glancing back at you. You tried to listen to what was being said, but you couldn’t focus, so you just looked out the window, slightly dozing off. You woke up to the feeling of being carried, your eyes adjusted as you saw Shouta was carrying you into the house and to the bedroom. On any other occasion, if he was carrying you like this you were bound to tease or crack a joke or something, but in this moment you just stayed in his arms, gripping onto him tightly. Once you both got to the bedroom, he helped you undress and slip on something comfy. After he finished helping you, he quickly changed and climbed into bed, pulling you close to him and holding you tightly.

For a while, you just laid there in his arms, fighting back the urge to scream and cry. Though, after he comforted you and let you know it was okay to be upset and that you could let it all out. In which you did, you sobbed in his chest for what felt like hours. You screamed and sobbed and let out all the feelings you bottled up for the few hours you were at the family gathering. Eventually, you ran out of tears to cry and were only left with your own thoughts. You were overthinking, mostly dwelling on the words your family spoke out to you this evening, and couldn’t help but question if it was true.

“Sho...I’ve got to ask you something, kind of important.” You gently pushed away and sat up in the bed, looking at him. He stared at you, and nodded, letting you know it was okay to continue on. You took a deep breath and went for it, “Am I enough for you? I brought a lot of baggage and trouble into our relationship and I know it can’t be easy for you dating me, specifically with the backlash and comments that get made by my family and others about me transitioning and just. If you were with anyone else, I feel like you won’t get all this drama and I’m sorry I’ve brought so much of it onto you Shouta.”

You watched as his facial expression changed and you quickly looked away, finding interest in anything that wasn’t his face, afraid of what his reaction not only meant but the words that were about to follow. “Y/N, please look at me.” You slowly looked up and he placed a hand on your cheek. “I love you Y/N. I love you for you, you are my husband and I won’t want anyone else besides me. You are more than enough for me. And we both have a lot of baggage but that doesn’t change my feelings for you, we can work through it all together. I meant what I said in my vows and at our wedding and I still stand by it. Forever and always.”

You fiddled with your fingers before speaking up, “I love you Shouta so much, I’m just afraid one day I won’t be enough, cause as silly as it is, I don’t feel masculine or manly enough, that you’ll find more of a ‘real’ man one day and just leave me behind.” Tears filled your eyes and you looked down, just wanting to hide under the blankets.

“Y/N Aizawa, you are absolutely masculine and manly enough. I will never find anyone else or more a man than you. You are all I want, and all I need. I love you so much, don’t ever doubt my love for you, cause it is never-ending sweetheart.” Shouta spoke out, lifting your head up and placing a small kiss on your forehead before pulling you into his arms, holding you close. You just stayed there close, as Shouta whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you drifted off to sleep.

Shouta always made the holidays more bearable, but he also made life in general easier. He made waking up a little easier and helped with your hectic thoughts to calm you down. He truly was the love of your life and the best you could ever ask for. You couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have a husband as sweet and perfect as you. He may not be the number one hero to the rest of the world, but in your eyes and his heart, he was, he was your number one hero.

[madsdefencesquad]

Do you think the answers Madison gave at her bachelorette party about her future and perfect day with Kevin could be a clue of what we will see next season?

Thank you for this prompt because I've been meaning to talk about the parallel of these scenes for a while now so here we go (and sorry because it's gonna be loooooong)!

The talk about the future is divided into two perspectives: Toby's and Miguel's.

Toby's version goes like this:

"They're never gonna make it. Nothing has changed. All [Jerry] did was deliver an incredible line to some divorce support group. Jerry's gonna work too hard, Dorothy's gonna resent him for that. And that little kid's gonna get the short end of the stick 'cause they'll never stop fighting, and soon he's gonna be mad and sad instead of adorable and precocious and I can just see their whole little family in this boat and the boat is just filled with holes."

Now young adult Kevin who was still married to Sophie then was this version of Jerry that Toby was talking about. The entire episode, the writers have shown us how easy it was for Kevin to be away from Sophie to the point that Sophie walks out frustrated because Kevin was just so nonchalant about their long-distance marriage.

I quote Kev, "Sophie and I were on different coasts for months, it was like super easy" and "it's no big deal". And Kevin keeps repeating this throughout the episode to the point that she finally loses it at him and asks, "how will this marriage even work?" and his response was all, "I don't know, Soph, it just will."

Now, Kevin goes and watches Jerry Maguire and like every moviegoer who takes on the personality of the movie they just watched straight after watching it, Kevin goes on full mission-statement mode and tells Sophie what she wants to hear about the future he pictures for them.

Now, take a moment to take in Kevin's line here where he says, "Jerry's the kind of character that decides what he wants and he goes for it."

Kevin writes the mission statement to appease Sophie because he got her upset (and also because he was called a "jackass" by his twin sister and was given disapproving looks by his mother).

And what of this seemingly amazing mission statement about their future together? Well, Kevin, using himself against himself, actually didn't want Sophie enough to make it really work with her. He chose his career over her which eventually caused their marriage/relationship to dissolve. Take note, this was also done the second time around when they were adults too. He was already in New York, determined to make it as a Broadway actor and he could've done so and stayed with Sophie but alas, once he was called to do a movie, he just packed up and left and made every excuse not to visit Sophie in NYC to the point that she had to come and surprise him. Anyway, that's for a different and (yet another long) post lol

Anyway, this is Toby's Jerry Maguire version of Kevin and Sophie. The one that didn't work and just won't work at all. Both time and circumstances included.

Now, sober, adult Kevin is the version of Jerry that Miguel was talking about. He says:

"Yes, there are some love stories that are written in the stars. There are other love stories... they're written together. Two people the universe had no plans for writing their story in the stars together. That's pretty fantastic too, isn't it? I think Jerry and Dorothy made it, Kevin. I really do."

Now, take note that before this speech, Kevin found the old mission statement that he wrote for Sophie and he laughed at it and even called it "embarrassing" because he knew that it was just a big fat laugh after all that's happened. He asks the question about how does one even know who to marry because obviously that one didn't work out and Randall could've done a typical Randall speech using his marriage with Beth as an example but instead, he calls Kevin's questioning "cold feet" because Randall knew that that Madison is the one for Kevin.

And that's why Miguel's speech hit hard because Kevin's finally enlightened by the fact that despite his and Madison's unconventional start, he knows that she's the one he's supposed to marry and wants to marry and that they can write their own love story in the stars together.

Now, finally to answer your question about Madison's vision of their future. Apart from the obvious parallel of Kevin not being able to answer and Madison catching his response to Jerry making that face during his own wedding with Dorothy, we can see now that they are on their way into making that future happen. Madison says:

"I hope we'll travel a lot and go out for long romantic dinners where we sit and talk until they kick us out. Like those older couples you see who still haven't run out of things to say to each other. Really, I just hope that things will slow down and we can sort of discover the world all over again. Together."

Note, the slowing down part. Everything's happened so fast for them and they haven't truly had a breath to slow down and take the time to truly discover each other let alone the world around them.

And anon, we are on track for this future together. It won't be Kevin's mission statement to Sophie that we'll see but this one that Madison had envisioned for them both, and if Kevin wants to add his own next season, then by all means! I hope he buys them an RV as a gesture of them growing old together and being like Madison's grandparents travelling from coast to coast together in their old age. It'll go well with Madison's "travel a lot".

Anywho, on track with Jerry Maguire's third act and the 'breakup' that is pretty much their release of breath, Kevin and Madison can finally slow down now and take the time to truly get to know one another and see each other in a different light apart from just being their kids' parent and the person they're supposed to be with because they both want that nuclear family.

And as Madison does her thang, depending on the damn writers, Kevin will either realise he's been in love with her all this time or fall much deeper in love with her as they co-parent which will lead to the "I love you/You complete me" Jerry Maguire confession at the end where Kevin finally gets the girl.

[spicysoftsweet]

Why Not Her? (Illumi x Reader)

A/N: Buckle up, this is long as fuck and dramatic as HELL. Please read @hisokapegger‘s fic for the first part, and consider this the other perspective. If one of us is feeling up to it, we’re gonna write some more perspectives.

To the tune of Jolene by Dolly Parton here ~

Part one by @hisokapegger here

TW: pregnancy

---

To love is to trust.

You had done the unthinkable by choosing to love and to trust what to others was despicable. You had made the leap and been rewarded for it with the love of Illumi Zoldyck. 

Your relationship would be strong and lasting; you were sure of it. Prior to coming to the sprawling mansion he had grown up in, he had already paved a way for you after all. With enough convincing (or rather, over a year of quiet arguments and louder fights that you thankfully weren’t privy to), his parents had begrudgingly accepted the idea of you. 

And today was the day you would finally be presented as his fiancee.

He had chosen you yourself. There was nothing to fear, as long as he was with you. You reminded yourself of this as you held his hand while he led you into the manor.

You kept your smile on as you navigated through, following just a few steps behind but still linked. What you needed to do was look charming, even if you were afraid - first impressions were paramount to people as elitist as Illumi’s family. You had to channel grace, even if the butterflies in your stomach would barely settle the further you went.

And you did so well, exuding charm and inner peace to everyone you met - that is, until you met eyes with her. 

Illumi introduced the beautiful, sylphlike creature as one of his most trusted butlers. She smiled at the praise, and the moment you took in the soft features painted on pale skin with a hint of olive, something inside of you trembled for just a moment. 

“This is Kali. She’s been with me ever since I was a child,” he explained, with fondness. 

You nodded, trying to ease the thump in your heart, keeping your smile genuine. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Kali.”

You were being truthful. You sensed intrinsically she was sweet and kind, and you knew you would end up liking her the longer you spent time together. She would be your personal butler from then on, anyway. You decided to ignore the nagging sense of impending doom that knocked at your subconscious, shoving it into the deepest recesses of your mind.

As Illumi took you away to move on, you turned back to sneak a look at Kali once more.

And then you saw it; you wished you hadn’t seen it: her eyes shining with sadness for just for a split second before she noticed you and looked away.

----

As you had anticipated, you and Kali became fast friends. You knew Illumi loved you and that his feelings hadn’t changed by the way he spoke excitedly about your upcoming future together, took the time to fill up your quarters with the things you liked, and indulged you in soft kisses and touches when you were alone together.

But the thought that you were assuming a space that didn’t belong to you, and not in a way as innocuous as sitting in someone else’s seat, continued to linger in the back of your mind.

It festered every time Illumi came by to see you while you were exchanging stories with Kali when you failed to see a difference in the way he looked at you both. It reared its ugly head whenever she teased him in your presence, or whenever she gave you a tidbit about his favorite things. There was a twinkle to her eye whenever she spoke about him, and while you loved her, you started to hate it.

But jealousy was such an unbecoming emotion, wasn’t it?

Illumi loved you, it didn’t matter. It couldn’t matter.

---

“I want Kali to make one of the wedding cakes.” Illumi stated, voice as light and inconsequential as usual, as you sat side by side in one of the many gazebos on the field. 

“Oh?” You asked, looking up from the catalog of flower arrangements you were perusing, despite the fact that you knew his mother would override any decisions you made anyway (you had decided you would let her win the battle over flowers so that you could win the war, after all).

“There’s a recipe only she knows,” he continued. “It’s been my favorite since I was a kid. She’s aware and has agreed.”

“That sounds lovely, Illumi.”

It truly did, and that was the worst part.

---

Your wedding came and went, and it was every bit as beautiful as you imagined. You remained in Illumi’s arms after consummating your union, and somehow, shockingly, he fell asleep first. Or maybe he was just closing his eyes - yes, that was the more rational explanation. You snuggled closer into his neck, and wrapped your arms even tighter around him.

Still flushed, you whispered a breathy, “I love you.”

And to your terror, the little green monster that had spared you for the past few days came back in full force. 

But so does Kali! It screamed from the parts you thought you had locked away, and your heart started to race.

Illumi didn’t open his eyes, but he pressed his lips to your forehead in a small, quiet motion before pressing you even closer to him, likely sensing your unrest. 

What you needed to hear him say was those three words back.

But alas, those three words never came, and the little green monster grew just a little bit stronger that night.

---

You could have your choice of men, but I can never love again

He’s the only one for me, [Kali]

---

It didn’t take very long for you to become heavy with child, and for whatever reason, pregnancy was particularly hard on you. The fatigue, back pain and constant nausea would have been manageable if it weren’t the fact that your ankles swelling was nothing compared to the swelling in your face, and you were unsure if the stretch marks that coursed over your belly would ever fade. Just looking at yourself in the mirror some days would ruin your morning.

Kali remained lithe and beautiful as always, graciously by your side to help you with the most menial tasks. Taking your hand to help you get to the bathroom or to take a daily walk around the manor to prevent blood clots from sitting around, keeping you company while Illumi was away; you were in need of constant assistance, and she was always there for you.

She was an angel, and your best friend.

One evening as you ate dinner, just the two of you, you let out a sigh.

Kali smiled in response, attempting to reassure you. “Pregnancy seems difficult, but you wear it well,” she mused, pouring chamomile tea for the two of you to enjoy.

You gave out a dramatic snort as you took a sip. “I’ll never look the same again, and I’m pretty sure this whole story about a “pregnancy glow” is fake,” you huffed as you set the teacup down.

“But Illumi’s so happy, he talks about it all the time!” Kali exclaimed cheerfully, setting down her own cup. “Just yesterday, he was talking about baby names you had discussed, and settling on a few. It was quite funny to watch actually.”

A knot formed in your stomach. The last time you spoken to or seen Illumi was multiple days ago... 

“Was he home yesterday?” You blurted out, then were embarrassed to even have to ask your friend about your own husband’s whereabouts. 

She furrowed her brow as she looked at you in confusion. “Yeah, of course, he was just here for a couple of hours, but...”

He didn’t come see you? What she left unsaid was enough to set you on edge, but you couldn’t be mad at her, only at yourself. 

Who could love you anyway, the way you were now?

It took you a moment to get up on your own, but you had to stand and make your way from the table. Turning away from her so that she couldn’t see the bitter tears that were ready to fall from your face.

“__, are you alright?”

“Mmhmm,” You choked out and nodded, your voice regrettably higher than usual. You bit your lip.

“I think I’m going to bed early tonight.”

You could hear the chair shift back as she rose.

“Okay,” she said, in a soft, compassionate voice. You heard her light footsteps make their way to the door, pause for a moment, and finally the door closed shut behind you.

And at the sound of the closed door, as if on cue, your tears began to fall. 

---

Your smile is like a breath of spring

Your voice is soft like summer rain

And I cannot compete with you

[Kali]

---

You spent the rest of your pregnancy on bedrest, before producing a beautiful, dark-haired little girl. Skin to skin contact was brief before Illumi took the baby in his arms, inspected it, and with the smallest smile of pleasure, handed it to Kali.

You watched as Kali cooed at your new child, standing next to your still pleased-appearing husband, the picture of a perfect family. Even their features complemented each other; it was like a knife twisting in your chest. 

Kikyo gave you a quick look over before running over to them to pick up her new grandchild. For a split second, you wondered if you had imagined a look between pity and understanding, hidden beneath her visor. 

The nightmare of being overlooked.

---

And I can easily understand

How you could easily take my man

But you don't know what he means to me

[Kali]

---

It took you not too long after that to grow bitter. Maybe it was postpartum depression, maybe it was a year of feeling inadequate, maybe it was the fact that you knew your friend was more deserving than you. 

But either way, you withdrew. From Illumi, from Kali, from everyone. It wasn’t hard to do so. You did what you were there for. You’d produced a child to appease your husband and your grandparents. 

How you yearned for freedom...

The freedom that Kali had to love without the responsibility. If only you could switch places.

“___, please eat-”

“I’m not hungry,” you replied, before she could even finish. Kali pulled the plate of food back to her.

“Illumi is upset with me that you’re not eating.”

“Are you worried about Illumi or me?” You quipped, then covered your own mouth, shocked at what had come out.

“...”

Kali was speechless, but the look on her face betrayed a layer of guilt that you couldn’t tolerate. You were right. It was less about you than about Illumi.

You knew she cared about you too, and yet…

“I know you love him,” you choked out. Kali said nothing, her beautiful eyes still on you, as you began to cry. 

“I know you wish he had chosen you instead of me, and honestly, I wish he had.”

----

I had to have this talk with you

My happiness depends on you

And whatever you decide to do

[Kali]

---

The next morning, you decided you would seek some professional help. You didn’t know how much of this was depression vs. postpartum baby blues, but something had to be done. Kali did not deserve your anger at all.

You didn’t see Kali that morning. 

When you finally spoke up your concern of your whereabouts to Illumi, hoping not to avoid any trouble, his face was impassive as usual. 

“She asked if she could leave.”

The butlers didn’t just have the option to leave… Or did they?

“I didn’t know they could quit,” you questioned, suspiciously. 

“They usually can’t. But in this case, there was an exception.” He said. With that, he turned fully to face you, and pressed a soft kiss on your lips. It had been a long time since you’d kissed, since you’d withdrawn from him in your depression, and you missed it. But it felt wrong.

You withdrew again from his touch.

“What did she say? What was the exception?” You demanded to know.

“She told me she loved me, and that you knew the entire time,” he said, simply. Your stomach did a backflip.

“Normally the punishment is immediate death, but I know how much you care about her. And she was good to you.” He continued, taking your hands in his. You pulled away slowly, staring straight through him. He didn’t insist on it.

“Where is she now?”

“Off the manor, most likely.”

You started to walk towards the gate, and he held on to your arm.

“Where are you going?”

A panic started to rise in you.

“Bring her back! I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong!” Tears started to stream down your cheeks again, as the realization set in that such a petty feeling such as jealousy had managed to turn you into a villain. 

“She wanted to leave.”

“She loves you!” You protested.

“So?”

So? It was such an aggressively simple sentence. You looked up at him in shock, enough that it gave you pause.

“What do you mean so? Why me? Why not her when she’s perfect?”

“She’s not you.”

Your hand almost flew to his face from the sheer level of rage, the urge to defend her feelings coursing through you, but your palm stopped right at the side of his face. Instead, you sank to the floor, and sobbed for Kali, and for yourself. 

---

[Kali, Kali, Kali, Kali~]

I'm begging of you please don't take my man

[ibijau]

I believe you can bring this trashfire to life. 22 and 21 for Xuanwu/Jingy 😉

1. I treated this way too seriously 2. congrats on winning the ‘crackiest ship prompt I’ve received’ award 3. I picked the “Bandaging them up, scolding them for getting themselves hurt” prompt but tbh it’s barely there

There is pain, worse than anything that it has ever known, and then there is darkness and bone deep cold.

There isn’t death though.

It is too old to die so easily.

When it regains some sort of consciousness, it is weak. Weaker than it has been in many, many years. It hasn’t been so weak since it started cultivating. The energy it carefully accumulated through eating other creatures has been almost depleted to keep it alive, just as it was finally getting strong enough to consider taking a human shape. It will have to wait a little more.

That’s not a problem.

It is patient.

It is also hungry.

Its current form, massive and deadly, is a waste of energy, so one of the first things it does, upon waking up, is to make itself smaller. It can move faster like this, and prey on small creatures until it finds a good place to cultivate. Then, when it has strength again, it will devour humans once more, until it can take their shape and be one step closer to immortality and true power and then… then it will be untouchable.

Like most things, it fears death.

Having come too close to it, it fears it more than ever.

Smaller and nimbler it escapes the cave that had become its prison without issue, and sets out to feed itself. The mountains around its cave become bloodied and fearful, as they should be. And yet, there isn’t much to eat there. Mice, rabbits, a fox here and there. There are boars too, but it dares not attack them yet, not until it knows it is strong enough for it.

After some months, it feels confident enough.

It shouldn’t have.

The boars in these mountains are led by a demon, one stronger and older than him, protecting its herd from all enemies. The demon boar lunges upon it as soon as it approaches one of the sows, and thus starts a duel between them. For ten days and ten nights, it fights the demon boar, refusing to admit defeat. There can be no defeat. Not when the two humans weakened it so much in that cave, not when the demon boar has what they lacked: the power to truly kill it.

Day after day, night after night, the two bite and stomp and growl, disturbing the mountains around them, pursuing each other even into the lands that humans occupy.

This, it turns out, is what saves it.

Because they are disturbed, the humans take arms and join the fight. Figures in white that bear swords attack them. The demon board, proud and ancient, fights right back, outraged that mere mortals dare to stand against its power. While it is occupied with these new opponents, the old one flees to lick its wounds.

It cannot go very far, not in the state it is in. All it can do is make itself smaller still, to save energy, and hide under a fallen tree to bide its time. Sooner or later, the smell of its blood will attract insects, or perhaps some mice if it is lucky. A fox even, who knows. It is sure to attract something, and then it will feast, and then it will heal. This is only a minor setback. It doesn’t change its plans in the least.

All it means is that someday, when it is back to its full strength, it will challenge the demon boar again and devour it.

It will not lose again.

That plan is ruined when it is found by something rather bigger than a fox. Something more dangerous as well. 

A few hours after escaping the demon boar, it is found by a human. 

Small as it currently is, it can still tell that the human isn't very big for one of its kind. Its energy is wild and uncontrolled too, meaning it must still be young. If it had any strength left, it would devour that child. Even in its diminished state, it considers it. Taking on its true shape would be exhausting, but it might be worth the risk. 

Before it can get started on that, the child laughs and lifts it up to look at it. 

"You're a funny turtle!" it giggles. "Oh ! Your neck is so long!" 

Furious at being handled like this, it tries to bite the human. To its surprise, the child has quick reflexes and grabs it by the base of its neck before its teeth can sink into flesh. 

"Oh, you have big teeth. I didn't even know turtles had teeth. Maybe you're a special turtle? But you also look a bit like a snake…" 

It is not a turtle, and it is not a snake. It is what it is, and does not need a name, though it knows fearful humans once gave it one. 

"You really are funny," the child says. "I'm going to keep you with me until a-niang and a-die come back. They'll know what you are. A-niang knows everything."

It struggles, trying to escape, but the child holds on. 

"It's okay, you don't have to be scared," the child says. "You don't have a lot of strength, but it's fine, I'll protect you and we're going to be friends. I'll take you home, and I'll find a secret place to keep you, and it'll be great." 

Satisfied with that decision, the child walks away from the place where it hid, taking it with him. 

As hours pass, it becomes resigned to its situation, and helplessly listen to the child's chatter. 

He is called Lan Jingyi. He is learning cultivation in a great sect. His parents and him were on their way home after visiting his maternal grandparents for the new year, but they stumbled upon some problems. Jingyi's parents told him to hide while they took care of some disturbances, and will return when things are safe again. After a while Jingyi got bored, and started to walk around looking for something to do. 

It has been a long, long while since it has spent so much time in the company of a creature without fighting to kill. This child talks too much, but he bears it no ill will, which is an odd feeling. In fact, Jingyi, upon noticing on its body the marks of its fight with the demon boar, takes something greasy from a pouch he carries, and applies it to the wounds. 

The grease smells of grass and flowers, but the taste of it is unpleasant. 

“Don’t eat that, it’s for healing!” Jingyi scolds it. “Also, you should be more careful. How did you get all hurt like that? You shouldn’t pick fights, you know. A-niang says, don’t fight others if you can’t win.”

It hisses at the child. It would have won that fight, if those humans had not weakened it.

"When we go home, I'll ask Hanguang-jun to look at you," Jingyi announces. "He knows about rabbits, and turtles can't be too different. Then we’ll heal you, and find you a nice place to stay and… and if you’re not in the house, you’re not a pet, so it’s fine. Sizhui says that’s why the rabbits are allowed.”

It tries, again, to bite the child, but is stopped. Its indignation and anger remain. It does not like being compared to rabbits, which are mere prey. It is a hunter, a dangerous killer, a king among beasts. It is a triumphant being that none can harm… or it was, once. It will be so again, once it recovers.

“It’s getting kind of dark, isn’t it?” Jingyi remarks, his voice trembling slightly. “I think… I think we should have dinner, and maybe find a place to stop and continue waiting for a-niang and a-die. I bet you’re hungry too, right?”

It is, of course, famished. It worries for a brief moment that the child will attempt to eat it. It would do that, if it only had the strength, or if this were a weaker child, but Jingyi has shown already he would be no easy prey in spite of his youth. If Jingyi attacks it and tries to eat it…

But this does not happen. Instead, from the little pouch at his side, Jingyi now produces a few round and pale balls. Their fragrant smell hits its nose with enough strength to make it dizzy. There is meat in there, among other things.

Jingyi sits on the forest ground, very mindful of his posture and his clothes, and puts the creature next to him. He takes one of the balls for himself, and puts the other on the ground.

“I hope it’s okay that it’ll get a bit dirty. A-niang says I can’t eat things that have fallen in the dirt, but since you’re a turtle I guess that’s fine.”

It does not mind the dirt. That’s a part of feeding.

It is, however, confused by the offering of food. It knows that gods are gifted sacrifices, but this seems different. Jingyi does not know it is not an ordinary beast, so he cannot be trying to appease it, or to demand favours from it. So why waste food on another being? It has never seen such a thing. Even before it began cultivating, its species was a solitary one, born from eggs that hatched alone, and then never collaborated with its own kind save for the brief necessities of reproduction. Generosity is a foreign concept for it, and so this makes it suspicious.

Compared to hunger, suspicion doesn’t hold much power.

The fight with the demon boar was a fierce one, it is now famished, and the pale ball smells delicious. Keeping an eye on Jingyi, it extends its neck and bites into the ball.

The texture of the ball is soft as snow, the taste richer than anything it has ever eaten. For a moment it stays frozen, shocked that such a sensation is even possible. This is nothing like devouring fresh flesh and bones. This is a delight so great that it wonders, for a moment, if it has ascended to immortality all of a sudden, because nothing in the mortal realm could be this pleasant.

That first bite is quickly swallowed, and it bites again, and again, until it reaches the filling inside that pale ball. Somehow, that manages to be even better. The meat there has been made tender and savoury, there are herbs and plants which compliments one another to perfection.

For the first time in its life, it is eating not merely out of hunger, but out of pleasure.

“I guess you like that,” Jingyi remarks, chewing on his own share. “I made them with a-niang, that’s why they have meat. A-die doesn’t eat meat, because of Lan rules, but a-niang says it’s stupid and meat buns bring more energy when we travel. Also, they’re tasty, right? Hm… but if you eat meat, I can’t show you to Hanguang-Jun. He wouldn’t like it if you tried to bite the rabbits. Maybe I can ask Zewu-Jun to look at you… but he follows the rules more so he’ll probably… ah! I forgot I’m not supposed to talk during meals!”

Jingyi looks down at the creature which is still devouring the bun with such pleasure it would weep, if its body were made for it.

“Hey, you won’t tell anyone that I talked during the meal, right? We’re friends, so you can’t tell anyone. Friends have to stick together.”

He sounds worried enough that the creature stops eating and looks at him. Friends, like generosity, is a foreign concept to it, though one it has witnessed a little more often. Groups of friends have attempted to defeat it in the past, and it has seen weak demons band together to better survive. It remembers, also, those two humans in the cave, working together with practiced ease, coming so close to killing it.

After some consideration, it nods at Jingyi. They can be friends, as thanks for the food.

Jingyi grins, and resumes chatting about many things and many people. Clearly, he enjoys talking, and so this rule of silence must be hard on him.

After a while, they both finish eating. The creature feels warm and content and sleepy, even more than it did so many years ago when it entered that cave, fat on the flesh of those it devoured. Since night has now fallen, Jingyi lays down on the ground, curled up on himself, the creature in his arm. He smells faintly of fear, but he is young and walked a lot, and so he still manages to fall asleep.

It starts nodding off as well, but is quickly awakened by the presence of others nearby.

This forest, at the foot of the mountain, is ancient, and has seen many tragedies. As such, of course there are many beings there that are attracted by the tasty energy of a young boy. As the night gets dark, ghosts and demons gather around Jingyi, sniffing him out, desperate to steal his energy and be fed for a little while. It is an isolated place, and they often go years without sustenance.

If not for the creature in Jingyi’s arms, the boy would be dead.

It is not, at the moment, very impressive to look at, but its aura is still that of a centuries old demon that has eaten more humans than those pitiful ghosts could ever dream of. It is powerful beyond anything they’ve ever seen, except maybe the boar demon that occasionally comes down from the mountain… and since they’ve learned to fear that boar demon, they know they probably need to fear this one as well.

Still, the sleeping boy tempts them. They beg for a taste, for a bite.

“Mine,” it hisses, snapping its weak jaws at those who dare come too close. “Mine!”

There is an alliance now between it and Jingyi. The child gave it food, and asked for friendship in return, which it agreed to. It is now bound to its word, bound to this child, and it will protect him.

“Mine.”

If even one of these ghosts and demons tried to attack, then it would probably be powerless to defend Jingyi. Even after the miracle that was eating that bun, it still hasn’t recovered its strength. The fight with the demon boar was just too much. Still it makes itself feel scary, hissing and snapping, growling threats at them all, until dawn arrives at last and they return into hiding.

It has protected Jingyi.

It has been a friend.

Jingyi wakes soon after the sun rises. He looks a little tired still, but that is no surprise with so many ghosts and demons gathered around him all night. He eats a bun, and once again gives another to the creature.

Agreeing to the friendship was a good choice. Even now that it is no longer starving, the bun still tastes as delicious. More so perhaps. It can eat more slowly this time, and fully appreciate the flavour.

It has only eaten about half of the bun, while listening to more of Jingyi’s chatter, when other voices start being heard, coming from far away. It braces itself, fearing it might be stronger demons, the sort that would dare to attack even in daylight, but next to it, Jingyi jumps to his feet and starts shouting back.

“A-niang! A-niang, I’m here! A-die, a-niang!”

The voices come closer. Jingyi gets more and more excited, jumping in place, but still careful not to trample his friend.

“They’re here, they found me!” he exclaims as he grabs his friend, and brings it toward the pouch at his side. “We’re going home! Just, be quiet, don’t make a fuss. If they see you they’ll make me leave you behind, so you have to be quiet.”

That is all the warning it gets before it is dumped into the pouch. It fears being in such a small space, but quickly realises that the inside of the pouch is bigger than the outside, and relaxes. When its half eaten bun joins it, it decides that this isn’t a bad arrangement, and simply goes back to eating. It protected Jingyi during the night, and now is being protected by him during the day. This seems like a good arrangement. Friendship is not a bad thing to have.

A long while seems to pass after that. It does not mind. Having eaten that second bun made it sleepy, and so it takes the chance to rest.

It awakes to the pouch being opened, and Jingyi’s hand seizing it with great gentleness. It is pleased to see its friend again, and shows it by not trying to bite him. Jingyi smiles at it, and a faint smell of fear disappears.

“Sorry to have left you in there so long, I just couldn’t find a moment,” Jingyi says with relief. “I’m glad you’re fine. And your wounds are better too! That’s great!”

“That’s a weird turtle,” another youthful voice says. “Maybe you really should show it to an adult.”

Next to where Jingyi is sitting in the grass, there is another boy. He is shorter, but seems older, and doesn’t appear too impressed with the creature, as if he can guess its true nature.

“They’ll tell me to put it in the wild,” Jingyi says. “And then maybe it’ll be eaten by… by… what eats turtles, anyway?”

“I think foxes,” the other boy guesses. “They eat everything, right?”

“I can’t let it be eaten by a fox!” Jingyi gasps with horror. “But here, it’ll be safe, and I can check on it, and bring it buns.”

“I don’t think turtles are supposed to eat buns.”

It is starting to dislike the second boy. Thankfully, Jingyi only laughs.

“This one does. That’s because a-niang’s buns are the best,” he explains, before turning his attention back to the creature. “Look, I found you such a nice place to live, okay? Isn’t this a nice little pond? I’m sure you’ll find stuff to eat, and anyway I’ll come visit often to give you buns. Do you like it?”

He puts down his friend near the edge of the water. This is, in fact, a very nice pond. The water is clear, showing fish inside. Nearby, mice can be heard. It will not lack for food. More importantly though, the pond has all the signs of being a good place to cultivate, better even than the one where it started its journey, centuries ago. It will be easy, here, to regain what was lost to the two humans and the demon boar. Agreeing to Jingyi’s friendship continues to be a great decision. 

For the first time in its long life, it feels truly grateful. And so, to show it, it bows to Jingyi before entering the water. It hears the two boys gasp, Jingyi claiming this is proof his friend is no ordinary animal, the other boy worrying that maybe there is something wrong with the creature.

It ignores both of them, and swims around to map its new territory.

It is a very good pond, and already, it feels new energy flowing through it just from being in such an auspicious place. In a few months, it will easily be able to take again its old shape if it wishes, and then it could go on a rampage again.

It could.

It might not. If it kills humans, Jingyi might not bring it buns anymore.

Better, then, to cultivate in the slower method, to keep this smaller shape for now. With some luck and effort, in a few years, it will reach again the level it was at before those two humans harmed it, and then…

And then, it will be able to take a human shape at last.

It wonders how Jingyi will react to that.

It cannot wait to find out.

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Ik this maybe sounds kinda random but I have a feeling you're latinoamerican Idk why.

Also what are your thoughts on the anime? I really liked the CGI I think it looked very cool and clean!! A-1 pictures did a good job 👏👏 I know it just started but I really hope its successful in japan, so maybe one day we could see Osaka and Nagoya animated :')

That’s probably because I am and am fairly vocal about it.

I live in the US and am racially pretty damn white, but my mother’s family is from Mexico. (Sorta. They’ve been in the US for a while now, and we’re not exactly sure who came across the border when because most old Mexican men can give Gentarou a run for his money when it comes to telling mentiras.) I was raised speaking both English and baby Spanish, but I lost the opportunity to practice it all that often when I was pretty little and as such forgot almost all of it, hahaha. Still, I can understand most written Spanish and a fair bit of common spoken Spanish, and I speak Spanglish with my mom. Growing up mostly white is pretty weird, since I don’t feel Latino enough to fit in with my own family (but they ARE my family) but also not white enough to fit in completely with my white peers. They don’t get how enchiladas are comfort food or how the words “mijo” and “mija” are love incarnate. They don’t get it why my parents have three bags of tortillas in their fridge at all times (it’s because I keep stealing them whenever I run out at my house) or the importance of owning a big-ass olla. It’s like... I don’t want to intrude in spaces where I don’t necessarily feel I have the right to belong, but I also want to acknowledge the struggle of my grandparents who worked as migrant farmers instead of going to school and gave up everything they had to give their kids a better life. I wonder how well I can do that, having forgotten their language and living as so much as a product of “American melting pot” culture. It’s... tricky. Identity is tricky.

Point is, I want to see Dice casually calling Otome “vieja”.

ANYWAY. Anime thoughts. I’ll put them under a cut for anyone concerned about spoilers.

The little kick the Buster Bros did in the opening on “buttobasu” (send ‘em flying) made me involuntarily laugh out loud. So dorky. Love them for that.

I was not sold on the opening back when I saw it in the previews, but I actually liked the full version quite a lot. The rap bits are a lot more impressive than the sort of generic chorus.

Love how it opened on TDD. I hope other episodes will follow suit and give more TDD backstory, because I think it delivers the best emotional impact when you know the reasons the anime boys are duking it out with one another.

TDD Samatoki has giant eyelashes even in the anime. Jesus christ.

TDD Ramuda appeared for about three seconds, and I was appeased.

The Buster Bros bit didn’t interest me too much, personally, but I thought it set the tone for the series really nicely. I also thought that a bunch of random dudes ganging up on these children and being like, “Heh heh, bitch, whatcha gonna do? We have microphones!” is hilarious.

BB rap was fantastic. I appreciated how much of a mix this was between the ARB and manga styles in terms of the way the raps appeared. Having the lyrics on screen was a GREAT thing for me as well. I also really enjoyed the moment where Saburou pushed Jirou out of the way and Ichirou stopped Jirou before he could retaliate. It wasn’t a distraction from the song at all but also characterized the familial interactions so clearly in just a few seconds. Kudos.

My VPN connection died during Ichijiku’s first talk with Otome, so idk what went on there.

I know Samatoki is supposed to be taken seriously, but for the life of me, I really can’t. I kept on snickering the whole time he was talking to the yakuza NPCs and acting tough. All his posturing is ridiculous to me.

Loved that MTC rap, although I kept laughing at that too. MTC is overkill.

I have a love/hate relationship with Samatoki’s speaker ever since I had to redraw part of that motherfucker sometime last year, but it is really damn cool looking. The animation for it blew me away. LOVED THAT.

Riou was there :)

I finally understood the significance of the cigarette kiss between Samatoki and Juuto. It’s to symbolize the whole “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” professional relationship they have, but I did think Juuto was leaning in for a kiss for a really bizarre moment.

Riou showing up to offer food :)

Eat Riou’s fucking food, Samatoki :)

I think Ramuda is a bit smaller than he should be as compared to the other cast members, but I will let it slide

Ramuda’s office is absolutely awful in color, but I will also let that slide

The Fling Posse interactions were a huge hit with me. I love seeing them hang out with one another and horse around the way that they do. Like the BBs’ scene, this was a great establishing shot for them.

I love how Dice rolls with Ramuda’s gratuitous English without missing a beat.

FP song wasn’t as hardcore as some of the other ones, but it was executed very well. Love the wordplay with the end of Ramuda’s and the beginning of Gentarou’s verse.

THE HIGH FIVE AT THE END OF THE SONG... HOO HOO!! NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, BABY! NOW THAT’S FRIENDSHIP RIGHT THERE!

Hypmic NPCs lowkey piss me off, especially all the “Kyaaa~!!!!” female NPC types. I get that they’re not supposed to be thought about all that much, but seriously...? Why is running from fangirls a plot point that keeps on being revisited?

They left Dice’s money behind... Bruh.......

Love how Doppo and Hifumi barge into Jakurai’s office nonchalantly.

The bit with the nurse establishes Hifumi’s character very well, although I still think Doppo’s being kind of an ass when he pulls Hifumi’s jacket off.

The whole fucking “terrorists on the roof” bit made me laugh again. Some of the Hypmic plot points are so contrived that I find them funny. It’s all silly good fun.

Love that rappers show up to push past the bumbling security guards/police. Excuse me, please, let me through... I’m a rapper.

Jakurai’s speaker was very well animated, but the way it appeared made me think of the Lionsgate logo. The mic animation was pretty cool too.

JAKURAI’S RAP ACTUALLY BLEW ME AWAY. I’m normally not a fan of Jakurai raps, but god DAMN was that cool.

Hifumi and Doppo didn’t drop the ball either. Fuck it UP, Matenrou.

I can’t believe they dropped lightning bolts on two people... especially when one was holding someone else hostage. Is that woman okay? Did she get fucking vaporized? I’ll never know.

Otome’s character model moves pretty stiffly, which I think actually helps her character because of how stoic she tries to act overall.

Ending song was dope. I wonder if they’ll feature other divisions in the endings of other episodes.

Ramuda leaping a good 3 meters in the air in the final shot is funny as fuck.