#the pretties fanart i've ever seen in a long time

[swordfright]

this might just be because i'm a bit older than your average mcyt fan, but it makes me kind of sad to see all these younger fans scramble to wipe their mcyt fanworks off the internet the second a content creator is revealed to have done something awful.

don't get it twisted, I'm a big believer in rescinding financial support to ccs you no longer agree with or admire by unsubscribing, deciding not to buy merch, or refusing to give them ad revenue by watching their content. if you don't feel comfortable giving someone money, don't give them your money. material support isn't what i'm talking about here - I'm talking about fanfic, fansongs, fanart. yknow, content that fans create for themselves and each other, stuff that's not for ccs.

in the past year (and especially the past week, obviously) i've seen tons of mcyt fans saying they're planning to delete their art (or that they already have deleted) because they don't want their work to be associated with content creators who behaved badly, and that they want "a fresh start." I've seen fan writers say the same thing about their fics. and like, this is fine, do what you want with your stuff, but i'll be honest...it does make me sad that so many younger fans seemingly have been made to feel such a high degree of responsibility for ccs that they're unable to enjoy fandom (a thing that is FOR US! FOR YOU!) or take any measure of pride in their past fanworks.

again, at the end of the day you should do what you want with your own shit. but what i will say is, if what you want to do with your work is delete it, at least think first about why you're considering the nuclear option. you aren't responsible for a cc's behavior, and that goes for literally anyone who's ever had a hand in making anything you like: books, movies, games, anything. you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of having created fan content for a piece of media that a shitty person was involved in making. straight up, this kind of shame isn't something i believe should exist in fandom, because it's parasocial in the same way that positive emotions towards media/creators can be parasocial.

and also, as someone who's been involved in fandom for a long time, i can say with confidence that creators will keep disappointing you like this. there are shitty people out there. if you're searching for a piece of media with zero shitty people ever involved in the project, you will not find it. i'm not saying this to normalize shitty behavior on the part of creators, I'm saying this to emphasize that bearing the shame and guilt of every creator to this degree is not sustainable or healthy (and it's not how fandom used to operate, but that's a conversation for another day, perhaps.)

i understand why so many folks are considering deleting their fanworks, and if that's you...think about it before you do it. that's all i'm asking. you don't want to create a habit of divesting yourself of all evidence of having been passionate about art created by someone who sucks, because if you do get into that habit, then your chances of ever truly enjoying a fandom again are, unfortunately, pretty slim.

[im-merobiba]

in honour of drawfee turning ten (!!!) here are ten reasons why you should watch drawfee

the art is incredible. i feel like that goes without saying for an art-based channel, but i am consistently impressed with how talented the hosts are.

these people are hilarious. pretty much every episode has at least one moment that makes me laugh out loud, which is no small feat. the jokes are just silly enough to be funny without being too much. or they are too much, which is just as entertaining.

all four hosts have great personalities that really shine. i like to say that each has their own flavour of chaos, which can really stand out both on its own and in combination with the others.

the four of them a really great dynamic. you can tell that they don't just spend time together because they have to. they have a genuine connection that one can only hope to find with a friend group.

the show has some great guests. from longtime friends of the show like willie and caldwell to newer folks like ralph and onsta. they've even had fans on the show before, such as deepblueink and nathan longs.

drawtectives. just drawtectives. the gang--especially julia--puts so much effort into making it an enjoyable series, and it's such a good time. it's definitely a commitment, with over twenty hours worth of episodes, but it is so worth it.

the fandom is probably the best i've ever been a part of. i've never seen much controversy in this fanbase, only positivity and a great sense of humour. the drawfee crew seems to like us, too. i hope they do, anyway.

speaking of the fandom, some of the best fan work in general i've ever seen have come from drawfee fans. from fanart to animations to edits to music, this fandom has some incredible creativity.

i talked about the humour, but i feel like i need to mention the recurring bits. i find myself laughing at everyday things like crabs and eggs because they remind me of some ridiculous drawfee bit.

this channel has been around for ten whole years now, and has continued to be incredible over all this time. i'm admittedly a newer fan, having discovered the show in early 2022, but i can recognise how much love and work has gone into this show. it's been a source of comfort for me and so many others, and i think that's a true accomplishment.

congratulations on ten years, drawfee crew. here's to many more.

[amerricanartwork]

Hi! I just wondered if you've played Hollow Knight based off how much you like Rain World. I'd be interested in any thoughts you had on it. :)

Thanks for the ask! No, I have not yet played Hollow Knight, BUT my interest in the game has been piqued! However I still have to see if the gameplay itself seems up my alley, or get invested enough in the characters that I want to discover more than I've already found out (and I have spoiled quite a lot for myself) before I actually decide to buy the game.

Regardless, from what I do know it does seem like an interesting story, albeit one far more tragic than Rain World's in my opinion. The characters I've seen are also pretty cool, both in design and personality. In fact, it was some ship fanart I found a few weeks ago that got me interested in diving deeper into the game once I realized it was where the featured characters were from, especially since one of the characters I had remembered hearing about before.

Here's a little sketch of some characters I was thinking about and whom I've been meaning to draw for a bit! Hornet because she's very Shaped™, Quirrel because from what I've seen he's quite wholesome, and Tiso because he was the first character I heard about and I think he's kinda silly!

Also, some more comparing/contrasting thoughts about the game below:

Firstly, I like how the premise of Kollow Knight involves anthropomorphic insects! It's something I never realized until recently despite being aware of HK for at least a few years, but I usually tend to take interest in stories starring non-humanoid creatures, so it's a plus! I also enjoy the more gothic/Victorian-looking magical high fantasy aesthetic, though it's pretty different from Rain World, which I'd consider far more sci-fi and specbio-esque in its aesthetic.

Now to get into themes, so far Hollow Knight seems to share Rain World's theme of lost/dead civilizations, which is also a very interesting premise to me! However, HK seems to have a greater focus on interacting with the people of its dying civilization and as such you get far more definitive knowledge about what happened to cause it to collapse. The player character seems to take on more of a classic epic hero role, because from what I've heard about the lore and endings, they end up directly influencing the fate of Hallownest, even potentially destroying or defeating the force that caused its ruin. The visuals have this very dark, cool tint overall to sell that gloomy, mournful vibe, and the structures, while presumably old, are still mostly smooth, ornate, and not super deteriorated, with these castle or manor-like appearances more similar to real-life buildings or things in other high fantasy works. Then, the orchestral music I've heard alongside all of these elements really creates this impression in me that it's aesthetic and overall concept is more akin to a high fantasy epic tale, albeit a rather tragic one.

Meanwhile, Rain World seem to have the player take more of an anthropologist role, observing and trying to piece together the story of vast remnants of its dead civilization, which seem alien and impossibly complex because so much of the history they're from has been lost to time. One of the core themes is being very small compared to these long abandoned structures, to really sell the idea that this history is so much older and more intricate than you'll ever know. The colors of Rain World are often warmer, which can be associated with old things, and the structures are far more weathered and broken down, with the only living survivors of the people who made them being the iterators, whom we only get to hear directly from two of. Combined with the focus on simulating an ecosystem, the more directly religious ideas within, the themes of natural cycles and an entire civilization evolving, changing, and ultimately disappearing over deep time, and the overall alien, sci-fi industrial designs of the architexture and strange creature designs that look like things out of "Of Rust and Humus" or some other alien speculative biology worldbuilding project make RW fit well in with that genre of fiction in my opinion.

Sorry if I seem like I kinda took a sudden shift there, but I wanted to talk about this contrast in artistic aesthetics and story genres for a moment because the "lasting impression" an art piece creates something I've recently concluded is pretty important overall in works of art, at least for mine!

But anyway, I hope these thoughts were satisfying for now! Thanks again for the ask!

[py-dreamer]

So... I know I'm late...

But yea! I said I was coming back with some stickers and I kept my word! I would've hoped that I could've completed the sheet in like a day but as you can see...that didn't work out

I know I've been a bit MIA lately but burnout sucks. I do have a lot of WIPS I really want to work on but again, it seems that the ProcrastiNation hath struck my feeble mortal brain again.

But anyways:

I headcanon Aroace Mei, just a personal headcanon (disagree if you like) I also like lesbian Mei but thought I'd give some aroace appreciation

Silktea was only given 1 episode but OH BOY did it fuel our wild shipping habits. And I jumped on the bandwagon. It's a reference to that scene in She-Ra where Scorpia tells Catra she 'didn't want to do this' then wraps kitty up in the blankey and cradles her like a wee baby. And Sandy would do that for any friend, I will die on this hill

Saw a fanart where Mk had a pig nose themed pacifier and I just yoinked that idea. The pig hoodie and the pacifier seems like something Tang would do for Pigsy (also to get away with free noodles cause who can say no to that face?~)

Mac showing Wukong the lantern. What can I say, mans' fascinated by them pretty lights. Though our little performer's eyes seem to be straying from the show (^u ')

I know many people have issues with shipping with Nezha and such and I know the two had a rough history but y'know what fans do; they love to make the people who kill each other soulmates (platonic, romantic or otherwise) Even if it wasn't romantic, I still love the idea of them being buddies and just chilling, the danger noodle prince and the angy prince snuggle and watch a movie (mainly from Nezha 2019 but I also saw New Gods and can I just say, I want those two twinks to bicker then kiss awkwardly and I want Yun Xiang to BEAT. HIS. ASS) but in case anyone asks, I do perceive Nezha to be a consenting adult in general outside shipping drama and if the two are adults, it does make my heart squeal when I see these two hold hands and whatnot

HOW COULD I EVER FORGET MY SPICYBOIS, inspired by that one Ponyo kiss scene. I was actually gonna make a bigger piece but then I saw someone do it already in a much better fashion than I ever could and I just gave up on the idea but Ig here, its just like the two cakes mentality and I gave it a go. Hope I could do the concept justice

Have spider queen or scorpion queen ever interacted before? No. But they are both queens and I believe Spider Queen's confidence could rub off on Scorpion Queen and she'd appreciate the company of Spider Queen's children henchmen. Also she give yummy food so lesbian venomqueens for the win

Redraw of that moment with Peng and Azure. I normally detest that bird but these two do get some gears grinding and whatever anyone says. Neither of those two are straight. I'll tell ya that.

Toxicinsanity is another rarepair that had like 1 sec screen time. I don't think they'd ever work out in canon and had virtually no chemistry. I still love all the fluffy ship content I can find of them though and if it ever were to happen. I think the mayor would scare the sh!t out of Syntax

Let's get at least one hetero couple here, Chang'e and Hou'Yi are a couple of favorites ngl, I took most of their outfits from Over the moon cause both of them looked stunning, Chang'e especially. I've seen people ship mah girl with other people and while I do agree it's healthy to move on, in my heart she will always long for Hou'Yi

Also irl, on valentines, my mum took us out for lunch, she treated us to bubble tea and donuts. We walked home so I waited to drink mah drink in my room while I drew and I accidentally finished it all... I'm so sorry mum

f*ck I forgot ironbull. Uhh....I'll draw something later, rn I need to go to bed before I get yelled at...

click pic for less sh!ty quality!

[kangel-official]

KAngel is like the best fucking character ever. If she was a real streamer I would watch her everyday. every second. I would be her number one fan. I would buy every piece of merch she had if she would ever sell any, I would buy everything she would want her fans to buy, I don't know, maybe I'm a bit obsessed but I really like KAngel. I also think ame chan is nice, too, I really like her design. I think KAngels character design is also pretty recognizable, which is good. It's also really fucking cute. Plus, KAngels hair is very recognizable too, although if I was designing her I wouldn't have thought of doing the dna twirly things, so that's something. I also think KAngel is very relatable, and I don't understand how some people don't relate to her. I actually relate to both ame chan and KAngel a lot. I think they're both really good characters, and I can see myself in both of them. If I could, I would spend a year only looking at KAngel. every gif, fanart, official art, video, picture, whatever. She's also really pretty, too. If she was a real streamer she would definitely get popular pretty quickly, I think. Doesn't it make sense, though? She'd be really pretty if she was real. I'm not like lesbian or anything, but. Yeah, she's really pretty. So is ame chan, they're both extremely pretty. I think you can appreciate another girl being really pretty without being gay, right? Maybe I'm just in denial but. I also really wish I had a KAngel and or ame chan cosplay. KAngel and ame Chan's character designs are really just that great, honestly. I would definitely be extremely careful with the cosplay, too. I mean, KAngel and ame chan's outfits are extremely cute and pretty. I wish KAngel was a real streamer, or at least have someone go on twitch or YouTube and stream as her in a cosplay or something. I do wish I had a KAngel and ame chan cosplay, but I barely have any money to buy it myself. I could make it myself or something, but I'm not that talented. I also think ame Chan's hair is very cute. Honestly, everything about KAngel and ame chan is cute. I wouldn't mind being her platonic girlfriend if she was real. We could be like mentally ill girlfriends in a not gay way. if that exists. I don't get how some people don't like KAngel. I mean, her design is recognizable and cute, her hair is also recognizable and cute, she's a mentally ill streamer, she has a pretty face, what is there not to fucking like? I love KAngel and ame chan so much. I relate to both of them a lot, and I draw them a lot, too. I also think the needy streamer overload soundtrack is really, really good. Maybe one of the best game soundtracks I've listened to. I think internet overdose and internet yamero are both very good songs. I mean, they're both very catchy and have good lyrics. Plus, Internet yamero has a trend or something. Even people who have no clue what needy streamer overload is have even done the trend. I think this means that even though KAngel isn't a real life streamer, she's still really, really popular. This must mean that if she was a streamer in real life, she'd most likely get very popular very fast. aghh, KAngel is just so perfect. I wish I could be her and at the same time I wanna be her wife forever. (platonically.) Also, all the KAngel cosplays I've seen have been very good and pretty. I also love seeing how they do KAngel's twisty DNA hair things and how creative they get with it. If someone were to pose as KAngel in streams though, they'd probably have to come up with a lot of ideas on their own, since KAngel's in game streams are so short (since, well, they're streams in a game, so they can't be that long.) Also, which KAngel streams would they do? cause there's no fucking way you can do all of them and still be alive afterwards. I wish there were more songs than just internet overdose and internet yamero, I've listened to both of them sososoosososososososoosososo many times. KAngel is definitely my favorite character and I fucking wish she was real. She brings me sososososo much joy. KAngel is pretty neat, I guess.

again! keep going anon! copy that copypasta! spread it! somewhere else!

[gt-ridel]

writer truth and dare game: 🍬🦋 and 🎨

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character As much as I love Uncle Ingo as a concept, If we're going directly off of the game, I don't think he really cares about us any more than the average hisuian rando. ( ཀ ʖ̯ ཀ) 🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately I've been in a pretty poor state lately, so there's nothing from my heart I'd especially like to express just now. It's mostly gloomy. ╮(╯∀╰)╭ But one thing that I have been rotating in my noggin lately is starting a Patrion, since my teaching work has dropped off dramatically and I could seriously use the money. Unfortunately, I don't think that I have anything of value to offer. (:,з」∠) 🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it LITERALLY impossible to choose. What a demented question! But here are a few artists whos work I admire! NOTE: I'm pretty sure none of these people fall into this category? But just in case, I shall reiterate. I do not care about fictional drama, or if someone creates art of kinks or whatever that I don't personally like/approve of. That is literally none of my business. As long as they are not drawing child porn or something, I don't want to see your callout post. BE TOLD. In no particular order: #1 @cloudy-dreams has such a soft and appealing art style. I could look at it for hours! Her art tastes like marshmallows, and you can't change my mind. She's one hundred percent of the reason I got into Welcome Home, even though I usually like to wait until projects like this are finished before investing my time into them. #2 @nosnexus has been consistently creating INCREDIBLE Dimension 20 fan art, which is what first drew me to their account. with vibrant colors and lots of attention to small detail, both in character and background, they are WELL worth checking out! #3 @grassyneptune draws THE most beautiful Half-life character portraits I've ever seen. I wish I could do line and color work like them. *dreamy sigh* #4 @critterbitter gives every character SO much expression in their movements, they even made a gosh darn lamp instantly recognizable as a sassy mean girl. I am forever surprised and terrified by the sheer volume of quality art they manage to create in such a seemingly short amount of time. Honorable Mentions: @fronomeeps has a deceptively simple style, but once again captures a lot of character in seemingly few lines. @choochooboss is not afraid to take on complex pieces with dynamic angles and detailed backgrounds. @waywardstation moves away from the traditional anime look in their PLA art, and instead injects a style completely their own. Are they a professional illustrator? I'm not sure. But they sure could be. There are SO many others. Honestly, I could go on and on and on. But I should probably wrap the post up. Hope these were more or less satisfactory answers!

[karenandhenwillson]

Fandom and Ships

In the last couple of weeks, we have seen the number of fics in the Bucktommy tag skyrocket. Which is pretty exciting and amazing and a clear sign of how very excited the fandom is about this development. But of course there is also backlash, mostly from people who suddenly see their preferred ship in danger. (Honestly, when has a canon ship ever stopped fandom from shipping the people involved with other people instead?)

It's expected that some Buddie fans are disappointed. It's also expected that they would lash out (though, I had hoped people could for once remember there are adults and just because everyone is anonymous in online spaces doesn't mean there aren't people sitting behind those keyboards getting hurt by baseless accusation of racism and other things). I should probably not be surprised they are now also using the low engagement we have always seen with Henren as a weapon.

So, let's talk about fandom and ships.

There is no question that there has since season 2 always been the most engagement with Buddie content in this fandom as a whole. People saw the chemistry between Buck and Eddie and ran with it. Compared to that, the canon couples have all barely any content.

But if you look at any fandom at any point in time, there is a clear pattern between canon and fanon ships. There are only very few select fandoms where canon couples ever got a lot of engagement. Of the various fandoms I've been part of, I can only think of one at the top of my head.

I think the reasons are pretty simple. 

First of all, the fans get that couple on their screen pretty regularly. They don't have to wish and hope for it, don't have to search for the little details that will validate their headcanon. They don't have to go into fandom spaces to find content for that ship. They can just lean back without any kind of effort and enjoy this ship right on their screen.

And then second, those who do create fan content for those canon ships have to balance a very fine line. What of the canon facts will they dare to contradict to create their own content in fanfiction? (Fanart, videos, gif-sets are probably a little easier there.) Where and when do they deviate from canon? Is there even anything they feel is missing from canon that they want to see in fan work? Do they want to risk contradicting anything that will be established in canon later on? Usually, this conundrum leads mostly to short fics about missing scenes, but nothing truly epic. At least not as long as the there is new source material fairly regularly.

People creating content for purely fanon ships don't need to bother with most of those questions. Because they are deviating from canon anyway. It doesn't matter much then how far they go with that. Everything canon that comes later will just be dismissed with a shrug. Everything canon that happened previously and they don't like can be dismissed just as easily because they are already dismissing parts of it.

Then there is a clear divide between hetero, maleslash and femslash content, no matter if canon or fanon. There are probably people much better suited to get into the gritty little details about that. I'll just share some thoughts I have about any of those ships in this fandom because of my experience as a fanfiction author.

I've always been writing and telling stories. And I started writing fanfiction pretty early on, too, because I found a lot of freedom there in the content and relationships I could explore. Looking back, I've always mostly written maleslash. But I've also always had hetero and femslash pairs in my works. Have had works that focus solely on those pairs.

I know as a teenager I wrote mostly maleslash because I just got a lot of engagement for that. And back then that was a great motivator to publish my fanfiction. It's not my motivation to publish now anymore and it's never been my motivation to write at all. So there are some stories about hetero or femslash couples on my hard drive that I just never published back then.

For 9-1-1, I've been writing many of the ships there are. More than once I focused on characters who don't get much attention otherwise, not even in canon. I have some femslash stories published, most of them Henren. They don't get many klicks. And the comments I get are from friends I actively talk to very often who just read about anything I publish. Or from some very dedicated readers who I seem to have enamored enough with my writing that they'll follow me into pretty much any rabbit hole, I think.

I like Buck and Eddie a lot as characters. I adore Christopher. So, I enjoy creating for them a lot. But I also enjoy creating for the other characters and I'm scratching that itch regularly. But no matter the reason for why I write (because the stories are just in my head and the only way to get them out is to write them down), sharing what I create is more fun when I'm finding engagement over it. So, there are stories that are outlined or even fully written who I'll maybe never publish.

Where were all those Buddie fans in the past who now complain about the missing content for Henren? Where was their support for those who have written Henren all along only to be practically talking into a void? (Right, just as it was never about queer representation for some people, it was never about Henren either. No matter what they say now. They are just searching for the next thing the mob might be latch onto so they can pretend they are right.)

[ltleflrt]

Hi! Okay so I came across your fic Omega And The Beast completely randomly in a comment section on Tiktok and marked it for later a while ago. Well a few days ago I hadn't slept and was running on a lot of tea and started reading it. It was absolutely amazing! I have not seen Supernatural, I barely know any of these people except for random stuff I've seen on Tumblr but I got so immersed in the fic. I was not expecting that at all tbh. Well...I kinda had no idea what to expect? Since I know nothing about them? So it came as a total surprise when I fell in love with the universe!

Absolutely wonderful fic! I am really busy these few months but I literally could not stop reading any chance I got. My heart broke so much for Cas tbh. In my head, he now lives the absolute best life with no worries at all! All the good things for him! The slow bond that is formed between Cas and Dean had my entire heart! I am an absolute sucker for stuff like that. Ahshfhhff hurt/comfort is soooo good!! My favourite scene is probably their midnight picnic. Dean completely disregarding all the rules to take Cas on a picnic...almost cried! I was yelling at my best friend about the fic the entire time too hdhdhfj. Gonna get her to read it too!

I have now started No Words...I told myself this wouldn't become a thing but I am a liar! It's slow going because like I said life is busy atm but it's such a nice reprieve after a long day! Your writing is so so good and I'm pleasantly happy with my first experience in the spn fandom

Anyway, yeah! I need to get back to work now but thank you for sharing your wonderful craft with the world and allowing it to keep me company on long days and sleepless nights 💜💜

I was at work when you sent this, and I'm stressing out about my first international trip and my first business trip, and was generally having a foggy brain day. But this message cheered me up so much that I kept opening it and reading it, so thank you. You have excellent timing 💜💜

I'm always blown away when people decide to read my stuff when they haven't watched Supernatural. What perked your interest? Are you into omegaverse in general? This was my last spn/destiel fic before I burned out, and I think it turned out pretty good considering it took me a year to write, which is usually long enough for me to forget what I'm doing or lose interest in something. It feels really good to hear that it appeals to a wider audience, because I figured it was really niche lol

(If you ever decide to watch the show, just don't watch the very last episode. Stop at 15x19 and go find more fanfic, you'll have a more satisfying experience lol)

(Also, check out this incredible fanart of Cas from Omega and the Beast by @strwbryshortie that is so stinking cute and captures him perfectly.)

Anyway THANK YOU! I'm so glad you enjoyed OatB, and I hope you enjoy No Words too 🥰

[miss-yrrosa]

"We're gonna have to go through with our emergency plan, aren't we? In that case, I want to offer you at least a proper farewell. And thank you for being my friend."

-----

Man, I have absolute mad respect for people who draw digitally and are able to produce a ton of it too haha. But I downloaded this program on my old as time IPad, so practice I shall do haha!

So, my second ever digital work is a very mixed bag. It contains the basic posing for a DTIYS from a while back that I wanted to do for @beebopurr anyway, and added to that pose I played around with some design ideas for my ongoing AU starting next year.

Beebopurr, I love your work on here, and I love your recent idea for the lighthouse AU! I hope to draw you some fanart for it some day. I also liked your take on Leopril, it's just sad that such things still get so much (anonymous?) negativity. I've been around the TMNT fandom for a long time and have seen pretty much anything. This fandom is so, so broad, there's something for pretty much anyone, anytime. Precisely that is what is so fantastic about AU's and every artist or writer's take on it!

[kangeldaily]

KAngel is like the best fucking character ever. If she was a real streamer I would watch her everyday. every second. I would be her number one fan. I would buy every piece of merch she had if she would ever sell any, I would buy everything she would want her fans to buy, I don't know, maybe I'm a bit obsessed but I really like KAngel. I also think ame chan is nice, too, I really like her design. I think KAngels character design is also pretty recognizable, which is good. It's also really fucking cute. Plus, KAngels hair is very recognizable too, although if I was designing her I wouldn't have thought of doing the dna twirly things, so that's something. I also think KAngel is very relatable, and I don't understand how some people don't relate to her. I actually relate to both ame chan and KAngel a lot. I think they're both really good characters, and I can see myself in both of them. If I could, I would spend a year only looking at KAngel. every gif, fanart, official art, video, picture, whatever. She's also really pretty, too. If she was a real streamer she would definitely get popular pretty quickly, I think. Doesn't it make sense, though? She'd be really pretty if she was real. I'm not like lesbian or anything, but. Yeah, she's really pretty. So is ame chan, they're both extremely pretty. I think you can appreciate another girl being really pretty without being gay, right? Maybe I'm just in denial but. I also really wish I had a KAngel and or ame chan cosplay. KAngel and ame Chan's character designs are really just that great, honestly. I would definitely be extremely careful with the cosplay, too. I mean, KAngel and ame chan's outfits are extremely cute and pretty. I wish KAngel was a real streamer, or at least have someone go on twitch or YouTube and stream as her in a cosplay or something. I do wish I had a KAngel and ame chan cosplay, but I barely have any money to buy it myself. I could make it myself or something, but I'm not that talented. I also think ame Chan's hair is very cute. Honestly, everything about KAngel and ame chan is cute. I wouldn't mind being her platonic girlfriend if she was real. We could be like mentally ill girlfriends in a not gay way. if that exists. I don't get how some people don't like KAngel. I mean, her design is recognizable and cute, her hair is also recognizable and cute, she's a mentally ill streamer, she has a pretty face, what is there not to fucking like? I love KAngel and ame chan so much. I relate to both of them a lot, and I draw them a lot, too. I also think the needy streamer overload soundtrack is really, really good. Maybe one of the best game soundtracks I've listened to. I think internet overdose and internet yamero are both very good songs. I mean, they're both very catchy and have good lyrics. Plus, Internet yamero has a trend or something. Even people who have no clue what needy streamer overload is have even done the trend. I think this means that even though KAngel isn't a real life streamer, she's still really, really popular. This must mean that if she was a streamer in real life, she'd most likely get very popular very fast. aghh, KAngel is just so perfect. I wish I could be her and at the same time I wanna be her wife forever. (platonically.) Also, all the KAngel cosplays I've seen have been very good and pretty. I also love seeing how they do KAngel's twisty DNA hair things and how creative they get with it. If someone were to pose as KAngel in streams though, they'd probably have to come up with a lot of ideas on their own, since KAngel's in game streams are so short (since, well, they're streams in a game, so they can't be that long.) Also, which KAngel streams would they do? cause there's no fucking way you can do all of them and still be alive afterwards. I wish there were more songs than just internet overdose and internet yamero, I've listened to both of them sososoosososososososoosososo many times. KAngel is definitely my favorite character and I fucking wish she was real. She brings me sososososo much joy. KAngel is pretty neat, I guess

ah!

[lurkingshan]

SHIPPER TAG GAME

Tagged by @negrowhat to give away all my fandom secrets. I came up in the US, so most of these will be Western shows. Also be aware that I'm old and been around in fandoms for decades, some of you youths might not even recognize these ships.

1. What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care anymore?

Felicity and Noel. I was very into them (and very anti-Ben) when I was first watching this show at the tender age of 14, but then I rewatched it as an adult, realized Noel was a classic Nice Guy with some clear warning flags, and settled into Team Ben.

2. Which ship would you consider your first one?

Hmm maybe Elizabeth Wakefield and Todd Wilkins? I think I started reading Sweet Valley High at, like, age 8. For TV, I was a sitcom kid and I was obsessed with Dwayne Wayne and his flip-up glasses as a child. I loved him and Whitley. Damn now I want to rewatch.

3. Your first fanfic belonged to which couple?

The first I read? I am pretty sure the honor goes to Buffy and Spike.

They were the first ship I remember having that classic fanfic brainrot combo of 1) captivating me entirely with their dynamic and 2) canon leaving me unsatisfied. I lost months of my life over at Elysian Fields.

In terms of the first fanfic I wrote, the honor goes to Ian and Mickey.

I was big into Shameless for its first four seasons. But then the show went way off the rails, the fandom went with it, and I quit watching and scrubbed all my fandom activity off the internet.

4. Do you remember the first couple you saw a fanart over?

I honestly have no idea. Probably something Buffy, I was doing a lot of internet dwelling for that show.

5. Did you ever get into ship discourse?

Getting into discourse is my whole entire thing LOL. I have survived many, many ship wars and let me tell ya you haven't seen unhinged until you've been knee deep in the tags in a long-term fandom with multiple ships for the protagonist. One of the things I love about BL and nearly all Asian dramas is that we go into every show knowing who the main pairing is, so we don't have to fight about ships.

6. Did you used to have any no-otp or have it currently?

Hmm I was a big Buffy/Angel anti and that was before Spuffy was even a twinkle in my eye. I never liked that man in a romance until he got hooked up with Cordelia in his own show (but then they ruined it ugh). I was also very anti-Harry/Hermione back in the OG HP days (let characters have meaningful platonic relationships!).

7. Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

I've been on a Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian kick of late.

8. Currently, do you have any OTPs?

OTPs are eternal! Like I said above, since I mostly watch Asian drama now, they're baked in. My fav of my current watches is Ten and Prem.

9. Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

YES I AM STILL MAD ABOUT ROBIN AND BARNEY.

You show me two characters who are clearly uniquely compatible, you give me a brief taste of their extremely fun and non-traditional relationship, and then you break them up and stick her with the milquetoast Nice Guy protagonist in a total betrayal of your entire narrative premise? Fuck off forever, HIMYM, I will see you in hell.

10. Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

Hmm nothing comes to mind. If I decided to hate a pair in the past I am pretty likely to still be hating.

11. Do you have any ship that, in the past, was considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

I would like to see you try to cancel me!! I'll echo Eboni here and say Brian and Justin, though of course there were people who hated them because of the age gap back in ye olden times, too. Fandom spaces are mostly women and women in queer fandom spaces often struggle to account for the totally different culture and power dynamics between m/m pairings.

12. What was your favorite crack ship?

I don't really do crack ships, I am a canon pairing girlie.

13. Who is the couple you read more fanfics of?

I don't know who the ultimate winner is, but I think it's probably a neck and neck competition between Spuffy and Wangxian as my most read pairing.

14. What most of your ships usually have in common?

There's actually a lot of variety in them in terms of personalities, appearance, and tropes. I think what makes me really click into a ship is the feeling that the two people are uniquely suited to each other and well matched to go through life together.

15. What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

When I don't believe they can actually make it.

Tagging @my-rose-tinted-glasses @twig-tea @imminentinertia @shortpplfedup @stuffnonsenseandotherthings @littleragondin.

[youdrewstarsxaroundmyscars]

Alright yall. I need help. Come sit. Be my therapist for a second. Have some hot cocoa even. We're gonna be here a while. <3

I am afab. Very average, very feminine presenting. Joining the marauders fandom and getting more into lgbtq+ side of media and things has made me question my gender identity a bit, and I don't know what to do. I say all the time "I wish I was a boy but only a pretty boy" in the sense that GOD do i wanna be a pretty boy like all the cosplayers and fancasts and fanart and fuckin book descriptions I see of these characters. I'll jokingly tell my friends if I knew and was promised that I could look like THAT ONE tiktoker if i transitioned, I would do it. But I don't know if that's fully 100% true.

I'm contemplating getting a binder. I think the only reason I've put it off for as long as I have is I don't know my own measurements and I don't own a tape measure. It would be super easy to get one, and it makes me wonder why i'm putting it off so bad. I have pretty big boobs for my body size, at least, that's what my friends say. Genetics-wise, all my sisters have bigger boobs and my mother's even gotten a reduction because of it. I've been contemplating that too.

I don't know if I want them gone, but I get such a gross disgusting feeling in my chest if i'm out and about and they're more visible with my clothing. If I were to wear a tight tank top under a hoodie instead of a bra and I go out in public it's like the nerve endings in my chest start doing something and it's so uncomfortable I feel like everyone is staring at them and I feel like I'm doing something wrong just for existing. just for being a woman with female body parts. Is that body dysmorphia? I'm not sure really, i think it started when I would attend church. I felt like every man in the room was staring at me and could notice them, even if i was sitting in the furthest back row and they were all looking forwards. I don't know. Maybe that's just religious trauma for another day.

I want clothes to fit me the way they fit men. I want to love a boy the way a boy loves a boy. I want the hands and the flat chest and the shoulders and the collar bones and the adam's apple and the stomach and the short swoops hair and the jawline. A Pretty boy. You know.

I think everyone desires to be attractive, and when there's so many variables with transitioning, you essentially roll the dice and hope you get a good deal. And I am insecure, and as shallow as it sounds, I would be afraid to be uglier than I am. Lemme tell ya, I haven't seen very attractive ginger men that's for sure. (you may attempt to change my mind if you so desire but if ANY of yall say ed sheeran ill cry cause no)

But some days, I feel alright with my face, with femininity. And I feel like I made up the desire to be a boy. I look in the mirror and think "you're pretty. you look fine, you even look pretty good. Why did you ever want to change that?" Then I'll scroll through tiktok or read a fanfic or see fuckin starchaser fanart that makes me rethink it all over and over again like an endless cycle. And I don't know what to do.

I don't look androgynous. I wish i looked androgynous. Maybe that'd be easier to figure it out. I know some of you are probably gonna say "just experiment with some things. try some different clothes or makeup" and I would if that was something I could easily do.

I never learned how to do makeup. No one ever taught me and I was scared to ask my mom for mascara even though I was in high school. My sisters were great at makeup, and hair, and fashion. All the things people tend to expect girls to be good at. They never taught me. They had moved out by the time I was old enough to start shaving my legs for the first time. Any time I do try something it doesn't match my face, or my hair color, or my skin tone and it doesn't look right and I just get lost.

I don't know how to do my hair, and I don't have anything to do my hair with except for a hairbrush and some ponytails, but my last haircut kinda fucked up and i have these side bangs that are chunky and i don't know how to fix them.

I think I have an alright sense of fashion, but in the way that I see things on my pinterest board and think "that outfit. I want that outfit" but individual pieces?? I wouldn't even know where to start. I like going thrift shopping but lately everything around me has been terribly expensive so I haven't even bothered. Plus it's not really fun going alone. And when I do get to a thrift store it's all...not good stuff?? If that makes sense. I never understand how people are so good at thrift shopping cause I can rarely find anything that matches and if it does match it's either too big or too small.

I just. I don't girl the way i'm supposed to. And I don't boy the way I want to. I don't even gay the way I want to gay. (in the sense that I really do look like a straight white girl. I wish I didnt. damn do i want to be a regulus black variant. can't even do that with my hair)

And even with pronouns. I don't like they/them for me. I look and act like a she/her so that one makes sense, and I've never really clicked with he/him. Maybe cause I don't feel like I look the part so it makes no sense to use it. All of my friends are long distance, and we only ever talk TO eachother so it's not like I'd ever hear it in practice to test it out. I don't know.

Maybe it's just my insecurities throwing all this around. Maybe i've been bullied or mocked or judged one too many times that now I don't even want to be perceived at all. I hate being perceived. Being noticed by random people quite possibly judging every move I make is horrifying. Add that to not enjoying being alone, well. Whoops.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't make sense of any of it and I'm terrified of fucking something up. I know I shouldn't be. I know it's okay to experiment and see what fits me and what doesn't. Hair grows back, clothing styles change, even the sizes change. Bruises and scars heal, it's ok to fall down. I just..I feel like I can't let myself do any of it. I don't know why. Maybe a punishment of some kind. Not allowing myself to figure out who I am.

Maybe I'm so used to being what I'm not that it's become an unconscious thing I can't let go of. Just trapped in a bubble I didn't even realize I had been forced into until it was too late maybe. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know where to start, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do any of it and I just wanted to to be stopped. I want to be at the ends of this stupid long road and for it to be fixed.

I want it to go away.

(This kind of turned into a rant but if anyone has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it <3 happy new year btw!! heard some hella tea from my neighbors while writing this and that was very entertaining)

[lookinghalfacorpse]

How many works do you have on Ao3?

12 total.

2. What is your word count?

146,611!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I write only dsmp at the moment, but i've also posted naruto and devilman.

4. What are your top 5 fics? (stats)

in the wild all lessons last

the trees deny themselves nothing

pandora's vault prisoner symptoms

veteri-mycosis

awakening

5. Do you always respond to comments? Why or why not?

i don't respond to comments unless there's a specific question for me (ie "is it okay if i make fanart of this"). i read every comment and they make my day, i just never know what to say and i get too stressed over it!! i also don't like how the author's comments will skew the overall comment count.

6. Angstiest ending for a fic?

that would be veteri-mycosis.

7. First Fic with a Happy Ending?

my very first fic, technicality, has a happy ending. so do most of the sasodei fics besides long roads.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! i might've seen someone vaguepost about itwall but it was so vague it was hard to tell.

9. Do you write smut?

i've tried to write it before, but have never posted! i'm actually not the best at it.

10. Do you write crossovers?

nah

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so!

12. Ever had a fic translated?

no, but it seems pretty cool

13. Ever co-written?

i have not! but most of my fics are brainstormed with @3nderm1te. they had the most input on veteri-mycosis.

14. Favorite ship?

c!doomsdaytrio!

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but probably never will?

man. i want to keep adding to prisoner symptoms, and i will if i can ever find the inspiration, but it hasn't hit in a while. after a time, the symptoms pile on each other and it's hard to think of scenes that separate them out.

16. Writing strengths?

i'm very comfortable in my "voice" as a writer and can make it Work For Me.

17. Writing weaknesses?

my emotional scenes fall flat. consistently. and although i'm decent at plotwork for short-to-mid sized pieces, it's difficult for me to make a coherent plotline for longer pieces.

18. Thoughts on dialog in another language in a fic?

i think there are ways to do it where it will still make sense for non-speakers or not fully interrupt the reader's experience, but it's tricky.

19. First fandom you have written for?

naruto! my sasodei phase was long, dude.

20. Favorite fic you have written?

tough question! i think itwall is my Ultimate Baby, and the fic i think back on the most fondly. i also think that awakening is my objective Best fic.

Thanks @morgueofstories for tagging me :) i always forget who actually posts to ao3 and don't want to tag someone who doesn't, so consider yourself tagged if you want to do this.

[grollow]

Uh hi, hello there! Sorry to bother but you're the only person I can ask this since your username is named after the ship (that and I've seen your works around and seen you mentioned by countless artists/writers so to me, you're like a higher being in HK Community so by default, you have most answers)

So why's Grollow such a popular ship? I've seen like 10 fanarts of it passed by my dashboard every time I'm here. Can you tell me what's going on rn? Is an event going on with this ship? Was there a confirmation from Team Cherry these two had a thing? Is this HK people's way of coping while they wait for Silksong? All fanfic/arts of it is amazing, don't get me wrong but I've recently got into HK so I'm not sure if I like it yet nor even any ships at all in general besides canon plus that hc of Grimm and Radi being twins makes me confused on why Hollow would be with somebody who's sister tormented them for so long. Makes it so overwhelming, you know?

Sorry if this offends you in any way. I don't mean to do that. I just want to know what's been going on and why's it so popular is all. Again apologies for being rude if I am

Hi Anon!

Gotta admit, this is the first time someone’s ever called me a Higher Being in anything, hahaha. Especially since I’m not only not the origin of this ship (I got the username from my sweet friend @sundimus who let me have it) and I’m also relatively new to the fandom. I think I’m just very loudly outspoken. I don’t usually get into ship discourse, but this sounds like it’s coming from a place with good intentions, so I’ll reply to you with my genuine opinions!

So before I go into explaining why I like Grollow, I will preface with this answer: shipping is a highly subjective topic. In any fandom, bluntly. Sometimes people pick “I like these two because they have similar names” and sometimes people go “I like them because I think they’d be pretty together” etc. Shipping in every single fandom will always be based in large on people’s own personal headcanons and aesthetics. And for everyone who picks a ship not explicitly confirmed in canon, it’s for whatever reason they want, and for the most part I am very ‘ship and let ship’ while avoiding whatever I personally am not interested in.

(FTR, I also think this is an attitude most people should adopt. You don’t have to like what I like. I don’t have to like what you like. What you write or draw is absolutely none of my business. You like sparkle? Draw sparkle.)

Toward that end, I am not here to convince you to like Grollow, nor am I here to imply that disliking it is wrong. It is not a canon ship. There is nothing in canon to indicate that Grimm and Hollow have ever met. It’s not confirmed by Team Cherry, and I don’t think shipping is a ‘coping’ mechanism for waiting for Silksong. I think why people ship things vary anywhere from ‘they’d be cute’ to ‘I saw artwork I liked of them’ to ‘this particular fanfic’s dynamics made me love them.’ And that’s true for ANY non canon pairing! And all of them are valid reasons. Hell “I ship this because my friend does” is even valid. Shipping is such a subjective thing that people can and should do what makes them happy and stay in their own lane, really.

I’m a big fan of the old fandom term ‘YMMV’ (Your mileage may vary). There are some ships I really don’t like. There are some I straight up do not understand. And there are others, like Grollow, that I stand in the corner yelling from the rooftop about. As long as ship is tagged correctly, I am very “if you see something you don’t like but it was tagged, that’s on you. The blacklist exists for a reason.”

Sorry if this kinda sounds a little mean, I don’t intend it to. I just see a lot of people being shamed for liking pairings (And I have personally been shamed for liking Grollow – not by you, but there’s been a few anons I’ve ignored) and I don’t agree with, or support that. I want to make that clear.

So with all that out of the way, time to talk about my * favorites * ~

There are a LOT of reasons that I think Grimm and Hollow work. To start with the most superficial one: they are palette matches. Grimm’s color schemes are red and black, Hollow’s are pale blue and white. They complement each other very well. They also have similar movesets canonically. Ever seen the video from Fireb0rn of the mod where they’re fighting together in the Colosseum? Where their AI practically works together? It’s delightful. It’s undoubtedly unintentional by the developers, but it’s absolutely wonderful and gives me life.

From a lore reason, I will say that I have not, and will never, headcanoned Hollow as the type to blame Grimm for something that his sister (Bc I also subscribe to “they’re siblings your honor”) did. My personal headcanons aside for Hollow, blaming Grimm for the Radiance is something that seems wildly unfair – and since Hollow is a blorbo that is mostly a blank slate in canon, I say they’d never do that.

(I’d like to point out though – so many people ship them with moth OCs. The same argument could be made there. If they’d blame Grimm for Radi, why not her moths who are indirectly responsible for her never dying properly? The answer is because none of us want to believe Hollow is the type to hold a grudge over that against uninvolved people.)

Grimm is literally the antithesis to both the Radiance and to the Pale King in terms of what he stands for. They run from and fear death to varying degrees. Grimm embraces it. He welcomes it. From death he is reborn, and so instead of running from it, he runs towards it. He’s a Higher Being who directly involves himself with mortals instead of staying aloof. He uses a mortal vessel (just like the vessels were created to hold Radi, his own are created to hold him) but everything in canon suggests that, at the very least, this is an agreement, not forced. You CAN argue that he’s forcing Grimmchild into this ritual and that it’s bad – Brumm/the Banishment ending certainly implies that – but I’ve never subscribed to it because every other character’s dialogue disagrees with that. I’ve personally always took it to be ‘Grimmchild and Grimm 100% agree to this.’

In this regard: They are cinematic foils. Grimm, who dies to be reborn, a willing vessel for the Nightmare flame, who chooses this existence. Hollow, who cannot die despite trying, a ‘willing’ (if very heavily forced into it) vessel for the Radiance, who clearly does not want this existence and is doing it out of a sense of duty—to their father, to Hallownest, to whatever motivation you decide to chose for Hollow here.

Canon is very loosey-goosey in personalities. The beauty of environmental storytelling is that we can fill in a lot. And as the above: I’ve filled in that they are foils. That’s where my mind took it.

So how do these people who are veritable opposites meet, how can they become romantically attached?

I took one look at the Radiance and went ‘abusive.’ I have my own interpretations of her, but the easiest explanation without this becoming entirely about her is one of Grimm’s lines from my own fanfic: “Those with similar scars recognize them in others.” [1]

Abusers are people first and foremost. The Radiance, in my headcanons, is very abusive to everyone in her life. That includes Grimm. I do not see them as loving siblings, because her nature is very self-absorbed; she clearly, canonically, does not see other peoples emotions. Do I think she intended to hurt Grimm? Probably not. But I do believe that she was abusive, because someone who was willing to wipe out Hallownest to try and maintain control would not simply be that way overnight, and only at one specific enemy. People like that… they’re like that to everyone. It’s not an if they abuse you. It’s a when they do it.  

Starting to see where I’m going with this? I believe that the Radiance was cruel to Grimm – and that he’d see very similar traits to himself in Hollow.

I also believe that if you headcanon that Hollow can dream – before, after, during the imprisonment – there’s no way in hell they did not have Nightmares. The most common interpretation in fandom is after imprisonment with the belief that the seals would’ve kept Grimm out (a theory I subscribe to) but it’s clear that Hollow could dream when Radi was sealed within them. For this ship to work, most people say that they can continue to dream after. And nightmares would naturally bring them to Grimm’s realm. I personally subscribe to the belief that he would absolutely interfere to help them, because as I said: I believe he has similar scars, and he’d want to help.

A very common fandom interpretation is ‘Hollow is afraid of Grimm’ and I think that’s very valid. They probably would be at first. He’s a dream god. That’s frightening to them after what they’ve been through. For this ship to work, both of them have to be willing to work through that. Which circles to my next point of: this ship only ever works if its written with them becoming friends first. Friendship based on patience, understanding, and respect, as well as healing. Hollow straight out of the egg, in my opinion, ain’t crawlin’ into anyone’s bed. You’d be lucky if they even wanted to crawl into their own. Pretty sure they just want to sit and remain still until a new order comes. Poor traumatized thing. In every interpretation of this pairing that I’ve liked, Grimm has been working with Hollow to work through their pain, from a place of genuine understanding and empathy from what they’ve experienced. [2]

As for how this friendship becomes ship? The Author Is Demi, my friend, and I headcanon both of them to be as well. Any good romantic relationship should, in my opinion, have a very strong foundation based in friendship, in genuine fondness for one another. And it is COMPLETELY OKAY to leave their relationship here, if you’re ‘hey I support aroace’ or even just think that’s all that it needs to be. But me? I’ve always looked at Hollow as someone who loves too much, loves too deeply, pours their whole heart into something. It’s a hard heart, riddled with scars, from people who have mistreated it throughout their life, but their base nature is someone who does nothing halfway. You get everything or you get nothing.

So of course I headcanon them as a romantic, who wants someone to love and accept them unconditionally, who wants someone who sees their scars and rather than wanting to fix them, wants to complement them. Of course I headcanon them as someone who, below their façade of feeling nothing, wants to be complete, wants to belong, and wants to be good enough when all their life, they’ve been told that what they are is wrong, isn’t okay, isn’t right. And Grimm, who is old enough to understand that and may even have similar history depending on how he’s written, is perfectly suited to do all of those things. To be that person. Because, personally? I believe he wants all the same things. Someone to accept him as he is. Someone who is not afraid of death. Someone who isn’t intimidated by the Ritual. Someone who will stay.

In short: They’re cute, your honor.

At the end of the day, it’s all about what you think fits with the characters. Some people write them as never getting along. Some people write them as just friends. Some people write them as straight enemies. Since they never meet in canon, it’s an open sandbox. This is the castle I’m choosing to build. You can, and should, build whatever one you like.

Obligatory: queer platonic relationships are ALSO valid, if you wanna take that spin on it. My q key is being a jerk to me so I was avoiding that word in this massive reply dskdksgj but it's still very valid

But if my soap box has brought you onto team Grollow, or at least opened your mind to the possibility, I’d be happy to recommend some of my favorite fics. If it hasn’t, I hope I’ve at least clarified things for you, anon. Thanks for your question!

[1] White and Gray, chapter 33: The Last Laugh is Mine

[2] Yes, I know, my most popular Grollow fic doesn’t wildly play with this. Shades of Black does. Living Dead was more ‘for fun,’ less ‘I feel the need to explain this ship.’

[goodluckclove]

On Being Seen

I'll warn you in advance, friends and colleagues - I might not have quite an optimistic take on this one. In advance I'll say that I'm totally all right, there's no need to comfort or fawn or worry. It's just been a pretty crazy couple of days and it's sort of left me in a kind of perturbed state of mind.

I feel as if I've developed a reputation on Writeblr as someone strongly supportive of other writers through their struggles and successes, and I figure it might be useful to see that I speak as someone who has their fair share of doubts. Consider it a show of neurosis that supports me as your steadfast advocate in creative growth and potential.

I'll put it under a read more. It's nothing triggering I don't think, I'm just a little embarrassed to have it fully visible under what I still consider to be a relatively professional space. Or at least a space for me as a professional whose brand involves not being very professional.

Nevertheless.

I debated for a long time self-publishing Blind Trust. I went back and forth every so often for weeks, and my poor wife had to deal with the brunt of my strange excuses not to do it. It really came down to one big question, which was...why?

Why am I publishing this? And for money, no less? That's weird. Why would anybody support that? It wouldn't deter me from writing if I never published any of the Songbird Elegies. I'd still write them. I've been writing stories for almost 20 years that no one has ever read and no one will probably ever read.

Sure, I have the fantasies of relative cult notoriety. People making fanart of my characters and sharing weird memes about my plot points. Finding comfort in the words and stories I've created to comfort myself. When I was still considered schizoaffective my dad gave me a copy of Flow My Tears the Policeman Said by Philip K. Dick and said that he was "like us". If that happened to someone else with one of my books it would mean the world to me.

Then again, would it? Because in my actual, real, physical life I am terrible at taking praise. It's like trying to catch a ball from the other side of a brick wall. If you ever pass me on the street I'm guaranteed to be wearing soundproof headphones and blasting music to keep anyone from talking to me. You might catch my eye and I'll smile and nod, maybe toss a compliment your way, but if you try to have a conversation and I do not know you I will absolutely just keep walking. I can't do it.

I love people and I'm terrified of people. It's always been this way.

It's easier online. I mean it when I say that I'm open to anyone here just starting a conversation with me about anything. There's already the unspoken assumption that we're all already weird, so I don't have to think too hard about your motivations. But still, large amounts of praise and positive reinforcement make me deeply uncomfortable. I've been trying to work on that for years, but I find most advice on building self-worth deeply unhelpful.

It's not like I'd prefer hate. I think I'm just not used to being noticed either way.

This is the first time I've made an honest effort to put my work, and by proxy myself (all writers are brands now, says the publishing industry as a whole) on display online. And for the most part it's been great! I enjoy the connections I've made here. The promise of making more. There are so many skilled storytellers here that it gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the future of literature.

But it's weird. It's really weird.

Most of the time I see it as another social media client. I stand by the posts I make and do them for fun, but I also do them to maintain a presence and draw in more attention. I studied to do things like this for work before. I picked like three social media management tactics that I thought I could remember when I was 18 and just stuck by them. And then occasionally I go oh wait. This isn't some nonprofit. This isn't a start-up for tech assholes. This is me.

And that's weird.

It's not a massive following I have, but it's more than I've ever had before under my own personal and creative writing. I published short stories and articles, but I never heard anything from them. There are short stories I have on online journals that I genuinely do not know if anyone has read. Here, I see people like things and I'm like huh. I feel like a mummy or a ghoul. I do not understand what people are doing.

One part of my brain takes this information and says that it's probably proof that when I publish Blind Trust, some people will buy it. People have expressed interest already. Which means they're probably interested, I think. I post excerpts of my writing and people seem to enjoy it enough to click a button or leave a comment. That's cool. I don't get why it happens, but it's very cool and it makes me happy.

At the same time there's this undercurrent of paranoia. I don't get it. And I don't think I ever will. That's essentially been my only coping mechanism for publishing at this point - I don't know if it'll work, but I might as well try and if I do something will probably happen.

I know I'm a writer. At this point it would be ridiculous to say I wasn't. I'm a professional, working writer, and experienced enough to know that saying all that doesn't say much in terms of quality.

Am I a good writer? I don't really know what that means. I like Blind Trust. I'm reading it for the fourth time as I edit it again and I genuinely enjoy it. So someone who thinks like me and has similar tastes to myself might feel the same way. I don't really know who that person might be. Statistically I imagine they have to exist somewhere. And that there's at least a handful of them.

Imposter Syndrome is real and I don't think it ever goes away. I'd like to think that it's one of those things where you think about it less and less, and this is just the first night in maybe five months that I'm really thinking about it.

I'm not expecting to make a ton of money off my first book. In fact, I probably will be sick from anxiety with any purchase I get for the first year, because it means that someone spent human money on writing I am happy to just give them for free.

But this is going to be my job. I want this to be my job so I can spend more time doing it. Because I've dedicated so much time to doing all of this, it means I get to spend a lot of my day getting other writers to write even a little bit of their own stories. And that's so important to me.

I don't know. I don't really have a neat end to this. I'm forcing myself to actually follow through with posting it, and then to continue keeping it up even though it feels incredibly vulnerable to be, in my opinion, this self-indulgent and whiny. It's insecure. I'm still insecure. I'm in therapy and on medication and there's more shit I got to do in life.

Still, I'm telling myself that my version of being a Professional Writer is to showcase emotional pitfalls like this. Newer writers might know that you can sometimes have a night where you might not be in despair, per say, but certainly deep confusion, and then come back the next day and keep on working. I stand by what I mean when I say that the craft should not be entirely miserable. It is still maybe 25% inconvenient to me, and I am currently in that less-desirable quarter.

So what am I doing? Wife got us Jersey Mike's, so I had a yummy sandwich. Kafka is sitting on my calves, just behind my laptop monitor. I'm listening to my soul/funk playlist while Wife plays Hell Divers for the first time. Later we're going to play a board game.

But for now, I'm going to keep editing my goddamned novel.

Blind Trust out in June. Get ready people, because I'm not.

[kangel-official]

KAngel is like the best fucking character ever. If she was a real streamer I would watch her everyday. every second. I would be her number one fan. I would buy every piece of merch she had if she would ever sell any, I would buy everything she would want her fans to buy, I don't know, maybe I'm a bit obsessed but I really like KAngel. I also think ame chan is nice, too, I really like her design. I think KAngels character design is also pretty recognizable, which is good. It's also really fucking cute. Plus, KAngels hair is very recognizable too, although if I was designing her I wouldn't have thought of doing the dna twirly things, so that's something. I also think KAngel is very relatable, and I don't understand how some people don't relate to her. I actually relate to both ame chan and KAngel a lot. I think they're both really good characters, and I can see myself in both of them. If I could, I would spend a year only looking at KAngel. every gif, fanart, official art, video, picture, whatever. She's also really pretty, too. If she was a real streamer she would definitely get popular pretty quickly, I think. Doesn't it make sense, though? She'd be really pretty if she was real. I'm not like lesbian or anything, but. Yeah, she's really pretty. So is ame chan, they're both extremely pretty. I think you can appreciate another girl being really pretty without being gay, right? Maybe I'm just in denial but. I also really wish I had a KAngel and or ame chan cosplay. KAngel and ame Chan's character designs are really just that great, honestly. I would definitely be extremely careful with the cosplay, too. I mean, KAngel and ame chan's outfits are extremely cute and pretty. I wish KAngel was a real streamer, or at least have someone go on twitch or YouTube and stream as her in a cosplay or something. I do wish I had a KAngel and ame chan cosplay, but I barely have any money to buy it myself. I could make it myself or something, but I'm not that talented. I also think ame Chan's hair is very cute. Honestly, everything about KAngel and ame chan is cute. I wouldn't mind being her platonic girlfriend if she was real. We could be like mentally ill girlfriends in a not gay way. if that exists. I don't get how some people don't like KAngel. I mean, her design is recognizable and cute, her hair is also recognizable and cute, she's a mentally ill streamer, she has a pretty face, what is there not to fucking like? I love KAngel and ame chan so much. I relate to both of them a lot, and I draw them a lot, too. I also think the needy streamer overload soundtrack is really, really good. Maybe one of the best game soundtracks I've listened to. I think internet overdose and internet yamero are both very good songs. I mean, they're both very catchy and have good lyrics. Plus, Internet yamero has a trend or something. Even people who have no clue what needy streamer overload is have even done the trend. I think this means that even though KAngel isn't a real life streamer, she's still really, really popular. This must mean that if she was a streamer in real life, she'd most likely get very popular very fast. aghh, KAngel is just so perfect. I wish I could be her and at the same time I wanna be her wife forever. (platonically.) Also, all the KAngel cosplays I've seen have been very good and pretty. I also love seeing how they do KAngel's twisty DNA hair things and how creative they get with it. If someone were to pose as KAngel in streams though, they'd probably have to come up with a lot of ideas on their own, since KAngel's in game streams are so short (since, well, they're streams in a game, so they can't be that long.) Also, which KAngel streams would they do? cause there's no fucking way you can do all of them and still be alive afterwards. I wish there were more songs than just internet overdose and internet yamero, I've listened to both of them sososoosososososososoosososo many times. KAngel is definitely my favorite character and I fucking wish she was real. She brings me sososososo much joy. KAngel is pretty neat, I guess.

anon? anon.