#the question itself looks harmless but it was asked by a person who is a self-proclaimed shitstorm induce

[lazer-cannon-deth-sentence]

I said something about trigun being lifechanging and somebody immediately asked "old one or new one" and I cannot stress enough how MUCH I don't want to start this conversation

[chastiefoul]

regret | alhaitham

a/n: a very messy drabble based on some idea that popped into my head. basically about a y/n who's very in touch with their feelings vs alhaitham handling those feelings (to nobody's surprise, it didn't end well)

tags: angstyyy

part 2 here

1.5k words

to say that you get along with alhaitham would be a stretch.

anyone would agree that your interactions consisted only of you always pestering him and alhaitham barely tolerating it. this causes amusement but also worries, you both being the polar opposites and all.

the arrogant and cold scribe versus the bright and cheery you. there’s a line, a wall if you will; that made everyone wondered, how long would the strange dynamic last before something eventually went wrong.

and it finally did.

❀

hanging out with kaveh is something of a routine, with you studying the same subject; architecture. people were always naturally drawn to you, kaveh wasn’t the exception. you both get along with each other pretty quickly, and he’s been a close friends since. you even got to know alhaitham through him.

alhaitham said once, that you both were pretty similar albeit with different words—or to quote him as he spoke with such exasperation, “archons, now there are two of them.” still however alike, he quietly also thought there’s a key difference, a very apparent contrast that he couldn’t help but notice, even he didn’t try to.

you and kaveh both were very in touch with your emotions, meaning all of your actions often solely driven by feelings. although with kaveh he wasn’t ashamed of this, always stating clearly—or unnecessarily,  if something had upset him. but you on the other hand chose to hide that displeasure, masking it with an uncertain smile, one that’s clearly forced. as though wanting to halt any further argument. that somehow infuriated alhaitham.  

everyday you would always greet him without any care in the world. even though every conversation you had with alhaitham, somehow always turned into something he had to won, that he had to have the last word. he also couldn’t figure it out himself what got him so worked up every time he talked to you.

❀

“kaveh, don’t you think alhaitham is a nice person?” one a peaceful lunch you asked. he shot you a disgusted look, as if the question had offended him. “are you in your right mind?” he quickly retorted. “well despite him looking so fed up and all that, he still talk to us, doesn’t he?” you played your food with your fork. “... and that’s why he’s ‘nice’? dear god the bar is in hell—no it’s even below the devil’s foot itself.” he sighed, really couldn’t believing his ear. what got you so infatuated with him anyway? in all honesty kaveh was having a hard time remembering if there was ever a time where alhaitham was nice to you, he only recalled your cheery attitude getting shot down by alhaitham’s apathy every single time.

wait. he knew what this is.

“you like him.” kaveh suddenly said. you couldn’t turn your head to him any quicker. “what?” you panicked. “you heard me. now i just need to hear you admitting it.” there’s a playful smile on kaveh’s face, he’s teasing. “you won’t, cause i don’t.” you said, trying hard to be calm while eating your food. “mmhm,” kaveh hummed knowingly, an annoying smirk plastered on his face. “you know what? i don’t have to listen to this, i’m leaving.” you pouted, gathering your stuff. “yes, and you know what your in-denial self should listen to instead? me.”

“shut up!”

❀

“good morning, alhaitham!” you greeted him per usual with high energy. he hummed a reply, acknowledging your presence. when you just lingered there showing no sign of leaving he sighed. “how many times do i have to tell you my office is not a playground where you can hang around however you please?” he asked, preparing to sort out the documents from the fresh pile that just came. “i was just—nevermind that, do you need any help?” you asked with a smile. however the harmless question just tick something unpleasant inside of the scribe, he knew you meant well, truly he knew that. “do i look like someone who’s incapable of doing my own job?” he questioned in a cold tone.

“of course not! i just thought since i was a little free-“

“right. you thought, that never went well though, did it?” the viciousness was out of nowhere, you were caught off guard.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” you narrowed your eyes at the harsh words—like he was saying that you were some kind of an idiot. he was always ill-tempered towards you, but he didn’t need to be this harsh over a mere offer to help.

alhaitham could feel he was being unreasonably mean, but he just couldn’t stand it. your useless kindness, your warmth, your concerns over his well-being all of these were so strange for him and his initial reaction was to reject and mock them. alhaitham felt like he was above it, it was too troublesome. he was fine living up to this point without the concerns from other people, and he was sure as hell he wasn’t going to start not being fine without it anytime soon.

 “why do you always think i need help? or do i need someone to remind me when to have my meal, or telling me to be conscious of my sleep schedule? frankly, it made me very uncomfortable,” once he started he felt like he couldn’t stop. alhaitham was mad, but if someone had asked him why he also wouldn’t be able to find the words to explain. he just was.

“well excuse me for trying to look out for my friend!” you raised your voice.

“friend? i never once thought of you that way,” he said. that shut you up real quick. the confession left your mouth agape, your chest ached. just what you are to him then, for the past half-year? but then when you think about it again, when has he exactly treat you as if you were something more of an acquaintance? in the end it was on you to assume, but it still hurts nonetheless.

in the brief silence alhaitham found the answer as to why was he so aggravated every time he talked to you.

alhaitham was blunt, he was ruthless in commenting on things that are out of place according to him. he was arrogant, often thinking that he’s above everything else, this include his way of life. a life of solitude; without the need of other people. but then you came, and his principles was shaken. alhaitham was a lot of things, but none would say that he’s fickle. yet, his rage right that second was a living proof that perhaps alhaitham was never the winner of those meaningless conversations he had with you. that truthfully, you already had him at the first good morning greeting you had given him with a bright smile.

and that is alhaitham’s hardest pill to swallow. you, a single person managed to make him almost change his entire life principles he had believed his whole life. and that’s as terrifying as it is infuriating to him. he couldn’t let you sway him more than this.

after what felt like eternity you finally responded.

“there’s a limit to being heartless, don’t you think?” you weakly said, you don’t even know what you were hoping for as a reply honestly. “there’s also should be a limit to your groundless assumptions.” he didn’t even look at you as he said these things, which perhaps good since you seriously couldn’t hold your tears anymore.

you had never believed rumors about people, as you will never know the truth unless you verify it yourself. but there, standing quietly as your tears wet the floor; there was no denying it anymore, alhaitham was indeed a heartless man who has zero empathy towards other living being.

“maybe i was wrong about you, alhaitham.” you smiled sadly.

it’s better this way.

“you were. now if you don’t mind, i have work to do.” he stated firmly, meaning: get out. which you will do gladly once you said your piece.

“it’ll do you good in the future to not be so driven by your emotions,” he still thought he was in a position to lecture you.

“yeah? and it’ll do you to good get off your high horse once in a damn while, you’re not fucking better than everybody else, alhaitham.”

“maybe so, but i certainly know i’m above acting solely over any emotion i’ve felt in the moment. i stopped doing that after i turned six, actually.” to think he'd mock you for crying.

“fuck you, alhaitham. enjoy your ‘alone’ time, i hope it stays that way forever.” you walked away from his office, swearing to yourself that it will be the last time you set foot on that damn place. alhaitham rarely see you frown, and to see you that angry and he was the cause of it.. silence got the better of him, the insides of his chest was swirling, he wasn't sure what to feel.

when your footsteps was finally out of hearing, alhaitham brought his palm to his face, his emotions getting the better of him. he saw the the hurt in your face, it was beyond saving. there’s nothing he could possibly say or do to get you to forgive him. and that was his intention of course, to get you to hate him. but he never thought he’d be ready for that.

alhaitham days quickly returned to the monotous routine. a quiet cycle, he thought he loved that. it's easy to realize that he did not anymore.

he's already so used to you. he kept waiting for you every morning, maybe if he wished hard enough you’d forget everything and just came back like nothing happened. but those days didn’t come, the memory quickly turns into anguish but more than that, regret.

aside from his ego, perhaps this regret is also something he would take to his grave.

-

part 2 maybe??

[arealphrooblem]

Mutually Assured Destruction

Snyopsis: Villain x Civilian. Civilian can sense other people's powers through auras but hides this ability. They are terrified of the most boring person at their office job, who hides the most powerful aura Civilian has ever felt.

Being the first person out the door undoubtedly did Civilian no favors to their work reputation. 

Anytime someone joked about it, often with an edge, Civilian would make excuses:  their dog needed let out (they didn’t have a dog),  they had to get to the bank before it closed (they use their banking app 90 percent of the time), they liked having a work/life balance (that one’s true). 

The real reason, of course, was to avoid any encounters with them.  Their newest colleague -- Jonathan Anderson. A bland, forgetful name for a bland, forgetful person. He arrived two months ago in her data entry division, dressed everyday in the same unremarkable navy suit with a grey tie, gave generic responses to small talk at lunch. 

And he scared the shit out of them. 

Luckily for Civilian, their paths didn’t cross that often and when they would, Civilian had found ways to neatly side step them -- emails instead of face to face conversations, calling in favors, and once, even taking a sick day to avoid a meeting. 

It worked great -- until it didn’t. 

The elevator descended at an agonizing snail’s pace. Civilian stood in the back, gripping the railing behind them with a sweaty hand and tried to breathe slowly and evenly. 

 The only other person in the elevator with them -- and the only other person in the building -- was Jonathan Anderson. Because of course he would be working late the one time Civilian had a deadline change and a mad scramble to get everything read by tomorrow. 

He stood in front of the buttons, his back to them, plain brown leather briefcase dangling from his hand. To everyone else, he looked harmless. But the sheer power of his aura radiated like the sun. It made Civilian light-headed being in such close contact with it. 

Thirty more seconds, they thought to themselves. That’s all this elevator ride would last. After that Civilian could scurry off to the parking garage and screech out of here. 

29 . . . 28 . . . 27 . . .26 . . . 

The elevator came to a sudden, sickening halt and Civilian’s heart with it. They waited for the emergency alarm to blare, but the elevator stayed eerily silent. 

“Is there . . is there something wrong?” Their voice came out shaky and hoarse. They cleared their throat. 

For a moment Jonathan didn’t respond. Instead he turned around to lean casually against the wall and survey them, his face as bland and unreadable as always. 

“That’s a question I think I should be asking,” he said, adjusting his glasses. 

Instantly their hackles rose.  It took considerable effort to keep the panic from their face, to force their shoulders to relax, to look confused and concerned. 

“What do you mean?”

“You’re afraid of me.”

The truth struck true, lodging itself between their ribs. Civilian swallowed, suddenly dry mouthed, and tried to find the air again. 

“You’ve trapped me in an elevator and you’re bigger than me,” they pointed out. 

“That is rather nerve-wracking, I’ll admit. It’s almost believable. But this started a long time ago, didn’t it?”

He straightened and took a step towards them. And another. All while speaking in that affable, level tone, as if commenting on the weather.  

 “Since my first day here. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how you never shook my hand that day. Or that I don’t notice all the little tricks you pull to avoid me. Yet we’ve never had a negative encounter. You’ve never given me the opportunity to create a bad impression. It’s rather baffling, don’t you think?”

He stopped a safe distance away but close enough to prevent any attempt to escape. Despite being only a couple inches taller than Civilian, they loomed in the small space. 

“So tell me -- how do you know?”

“Know what?” 

It was their only defense, this wide eyed denial.  To pretend they were discomfited by a bizarre encounter with their coworker, rather than straddling the edge of a panic attack while stuck in an elevator with a man who could kill them with a snap of his fingers probably. 

He snorted. “You gave up the ability to be coy when you stepped into this elevator. Please don’t make me ask you again.”

Though he made no threatening movements, the swell of his power spoke for him, the pressure of it nearly suffocating. 

“I can feel it,” Civilian whispers shakily. “Your power. Anyone’s power. They have an -- an aura about them and I can feel how strong it is.”

“So you can tell, instantly, who is and isn’t a powered individual?” he clarified, his focus sharpening like the sun through a magnifying glass. 

They only managed a nod, their throat tight. 

“Fascinating.” 

The hint of awe in his voice would have been flattering if Civilian hadn’t spent so much effort to avoid this kind of attention. 

“And which organization is benefiting from this power? Who is keeping tabs on me?”

“No one,” Civilian said hurriedly. “I haven’t told anyone.”

A wicked smirk spread like slow poison across his face, transforming a visage that no one looked twice at into something terrifying. 

“Do you think I’m as stupid as I pretend to be for work? There is no possibility that any organization would allow someone like you to walk untethered. Now, answer the question before I show you exactly why my aura frightens you so much.”

His hand hovered just over their heart, the beat of which a cacophony in their ears. Nothing happened -- yet. But the anticipation of it, coupled with the fact that Civilian still had no idea what such power was, made their whole body start to tremble. 

“They don’t know about me,” they said, throat tight. “No one knows about me. I’ve kept it a secret my whole life.”

Jonathan still surveyed them with suspicion. “Why? I imagine you would be an extremely valuable asset to them. And those tend to be very well compensated. You expect me to believe you’d rather be a data clerk for a bank?”

A flash of rage breaks through the fog of terror. “My father was an extremely valuable asset. It didn’t stop him from dying an excruciating and unnecessary death. I’m not following in his footsteps.”

For a moment he looked taken aback at this confession before his eyes narrowed in what almost seemed like approval. It emboldened Civilian. 

“Look, I don’t know what you’re doing here and I don’t want to know. If I tell anyone about you, it will blow my secret too. So just . . . let me stay out of your way?” They swallowed, tongue darting out to moisten cracked lips. “Please?”

For several agonizing seconds he just looked at them, his face blank as printer paper. Civilian tried to meet his eyes, to look trustworthy, but the weight of his flat, calculating stare was too much. Instead, their gaze fell onto his hand, still hovering over their heart, ready to crush them or incinerate them or dissolve them or whatever ungodly thing he could do. 

And then his hand slowly slipped down further between them and flipped up, palm open. 

“What take out do you enjoy?” he asked. 

“ . . .what?”

“It’s a bit late for a restaurant, but I know several takeout places still open this time of night. Do you have a preference?”

It was Civilian’s turn to stare at Jonathan with their brow furrowed. 

“You -- you don’t need to buy me dinner,” they stammered. 

“Of course I do. It’s customary for a date, yes?”

“For a what?” Civilian choked. 

That wicked smirk appeared again, giving life to the void of his neutral expression. 

“You know what they say. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

“I -- I’m not your enemy!”

“And you will never have the opportunity to be one. I’m ensuring it. And since you refuse to acknowledge my presence here at work,  there is only one other recourse. Now choose or I shall choose for you.”

A date. Dinner. With him. Someone with the strongest aura Civilian had ever encountered. Someone who was definitely planning something illegal. 

“I like tacos,” they said faintly. 

With a wave of his hand, the elevator shuddered back to life and continued it’s gentle decent to the ground floor. 

“Then we shall get tacos,” said Jonathan, taking their hand.

Part Two

[angel-kyo]

Pay it no mind

Part XVIII

In which reader confesses their feelings to Gojo, but it seems these are not returned (maybe?).

Warnings: reader is on the receiving end of rejection (kinda), and the fact that I'm obsessed with unrequited love is a warning itself, and... idk, I didn't mean to put anything warning worthy here, but if you think of something I guess let me know. <3

Previous: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part IV, Part XV, Part XVI, Part XVII

----------------------

The days that followed after Satoru told you he liked you, it seemed that everything had gone back to normal and you two were slowly falling back into your usual routine: meeting up early in the mornings, bantering in between classes and missions, and eating lunch with Shoko when all of you were at the school. It was comforting to have things return to how they used to be, or that was what you thought.

“What’s up with him?” Shoko asked across from you.

Satoru had business to attend so he had just left you and Shoko at the table in the cafeteria.

“What do you mean?” you looked in the direction he had gone but could no longer see him.

From your perspective, Satoru had not changed much since that day he walked through the school holding your hand; he had not pressed the subject of whether you liked him back still any further either, and since he appeared to be okay in this grey zone where you two were sitting, you had not brought it up either. However, Shoko, as perceptive as ever, had noticed how Gojo, who always seemed to like your personal space, was moving into it almost permanently these days; how he was not even bothering to be discreet with the way he looked at you or remained by your side when you were in the same room, and how, if he was not careful, it would be evident to everyone pretty soon.

At first, Shoko had believed it was all in her head; since that day, years ago, when she first considered that Gojo could have some kind of crush on you, the notion had prevailed. In fact, she had thought she was looking into her friends’ relationship too much, maybe because none of them seem to pay any mind to how they were perceived, so it was not entirely impossible her eyes were just making her believe what she had accepted as true for so long was finally materializing.

Gojo’s laid-back attitude had been one of the reasons why Shoko doubted he cared seriously about whatever feelings he could have for you. Other than that rocky season in high school and a few other occurrences through the years that followed, Satoru had never taken any steps towards an actual relationship with you. Hence, Shoko thought it's a harmless crush.

But as of lately, he looked more... intent. Or maybe...

He’s losing his grip.

“You’ve never found him annoying, have you?” Your friend looked at her almost empty plate and it somehow reminded you of a similar talk you had had months ago.

“A bunch of times, but I guess I don’t find him too annoying,” you answered.

“Isn’t that all love is about?” Ieiri’s eyes connected with yours.

Her comment caught you off guard, and she might have noticed the way your smile froze because her gaze did not leave yours.

You did the only thing that could think of: laugh it off. “Yeah, I guess, if love is annoying, that is.”

Are you finally annoyed by it, Gojo?

“You tell me.” Shoko smiled and put the last bite of her food in her mouth.

***

“Why won’t she just admit she likes him?” Satoru asked while looking at the movie playing in front of him.

Maybe it was a rhetorical question, but you did not look at him before replying “Because there would have been no movie if they were that direct.”

It was a Friday night and Satoru had made an impromptu proposal to you to have a movie marathon at his place. You had accepted but now, into your first movie of the night, you were having trouble to stay focused on the story, which was supposed to be some sort of romantic comedy, not half as bad as many, but the romantic scenes were making you self-conscious.

You watched the scene where the protagonists had gone from arguing to making out and you felt the need to look somewhere else.

From the corner of your eye, Satoru seemed unimpressed.

He’s unfazed, of course he is.

Actually, Satoru was only calm on the surface. Unbeknownst to you, he had also perceived the change in the air between the two of you when the more intimate scenes started playing. He thought he should have chosen a different film, but suggesting changing it now would only make the unsaid more obvious, so he was sticking it up with the most unexpressive face he could manage as the actors on the screen seemed to melt into each other.

Satoru had not meant anything suggestive by choosing that movie; he had just played the first thing he found as he always did when you had not planned in advance, and under normal circumstances, that would have been fine. You had watched all kinds of films together, including romantic ones, the good and the bad ones, but now…

Satoru was already looking at you when you were about to steal another glance in his direction.

His gaze revealed a question he dared not ask, or rather, a question he had promised himself he would not ask until you were ready.

He was trying to be a good friend, even if he wanted to be more than that. It had took him a while to figure out his feelings, so he had resolved to give you as much time as you needed. Yes, Satoru was convinced he could wait patiently, but…

Is he leaning forward?

At times… His resolve weakened.

“[name]…”

The look he was giving you was that of a kid who wanted to ask for something but did not know how. In his clear eyes, there was need but also fear of being denied.

What is your answer? his eyes were asking.

The winter had also frozen time in your friendship, in this safe spot in Satoru’s place, where you could still be friends and pretend nothing needed to change as it never changed in the years before, not in his apartment nor in your friendship. But time must go on, does it not?

“Satoru...”

His phone rang.

Both of you looked at the phone that was screen-down on the coffee table in front of you, and it seemed to take Satoru a couple of seconds to decide if he wanted to pick it up, but he finally did.

“I’ll be right back.” You got up and went to the kitchen.

Giving him some privacy to take the call was an excuse; part of you just wanted to escape of it all, ask Satoru to take it back, let everything remain as it was, stay in the known, but the other part, the part that had been falling for him all this time wanted to see it through.

Are you in love with him?

For a second, you were back in your living room with Haruki, his question and your answer resonating in your head as you watched the cup of tea travel steady from the table to his lips.

“Some people think knowledge that doesn’t change behavior is worthless,” his eyes did not meet yours, and you did not reply immediately.

“If you knew he liked you, would you act on it?” He had almost finished his cup.

"I don't know," you replied.

Months ago, you had been convinced you wanted to act on your feelings, but now, the idea of change was scary, the idea of trying to later find out it was not what you wanted, was scarier; the idea that you and Satoru would never recover if that happened, was terrifying.

“To change something, you first need to accept the possibility of change, and of course you need to know that those possibilities exist. I guess in that way, that knowledge is not worthless, even if nothing actually comes out of it. We should accept the possibilities.”

His feelings were sudden but if there is a possibility...

“Okay, I can accept that,” you said lowly to yourself.

“You can accept what?” Satoru was looking at you and taking the sodas you had just mindlessly pulled from the fridge from your hands.

The room felt a few degrees warmer with his proximity.

“Nothing, I was just...” Your gaze drifted to the door leading to a small terrace where Satoru had installed a couple chairs to sit on when the weather was nice. He almost never did it though, and you could use some fresh air. “Do you want to go outside?”

A smile played on Satoru’s lips. “Isn’t it cold?”

“Just for a bit.”

That was how you and him needed up outside looking at the city lights. You looked up but it was impossible to see the stars. Satoru mirrored your gesture and then directed his gaze back to the city.

“Do you ever regret it?” he asked.

“Regret what?”

He shrugged. “Staying here, doing what we do, not going somewhere quieter or… somewhere where you could see the stars.” He looked up again and you kept your gaze on him.

Why was he asking that now you did not know, but you answered him honestly.

“I do not regret it.” It was true. Even when you did have the opportunity to do something else or be somewhere else, you chose not to leave. “This is pretty too.”

The lights of a city that never seem to sleep were probably not as fascinating and mystical as the stars that burned millions of light years away, but they had some beauty of their own.

“I guess so,” Satoru agreed, and he wrapped an arm around you, and after some silence he spoke again.

“Aren't you cold?”

You nodded your head. “But can we stay here a little longer?”

And maybe what you really wanted to ask was can we stay like this a little longer?

In any case, Satoru would have given you the same response as he held you tighter.

“Of course.”

----------------------

Note: I'll try to proofread... Oh, and sorry about basically disappearing. Thank you a bunch for the kind messages during my silence. <3

Thank you for reading!

Next: Part XIX

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[theemporium]

Sirius x confident\playful! Gryffindor! Reader

Person A: “Did you really think this was going to work?”

Person B: “Nah, figured it could result in a funny story though, even if it didn’t.”

changed the dialogue a little so it would work better but thank you for requesting!🖤

.

Many people didn’t like Sirius Black would ever meet his match until he met you. 

It wasn’t a mystery to the students of Hogwarts what kind of wizard Sirius was. He was suave and charming, a massive flirt with both ladies and men, and he would always be the one to put a smile on anyone’s face, whether it be through his harmless pranks or witty jokes or quick remarks he shared during class. 

But if there was one person who could match his energy, it was you.

You never backed down from a challenge and that was exactly what Sirius Black was to you. It was a game of cat and mouse that nobody quite understood, and neither did you but you liked playing it and you liked playing with the tension between you both. 

He would flirt, you would flirt back. He teased you, you would tease him back. He would provoke you, you would push his buttons. It was back and forth and it was entertaining for all of Hogwarts to watch just how either of you would deal with it. 

But the game itself led to a handful of questionable and stress-inducing moments quite like the one you currently found yourself in.

“This is your fault, Black.” 

“Now now, love, I wouldn’t go pointing fingers just yet—”

“We are literally trapped, Sirius.”

“Maybe I just wanted to spend some time with you.”

You shot the boy a somewhat amused look before your gaze fell back on the problem at hand. You weren’t sure how you managed to let Sirius talk you into the whole thing. Okay, that was a lie. You knew exactly how he did it, just like he did everything else by challenging you until you bit the bait he was waving in your face. 

But now it resulted in both of you being trapped in the astronomy tower with a box of items that would make McGonagall want to retire early and a wizard who seemed far too relaxed for the given situation. 

“Did you really think this was going to work?” you asked him, your wand pointed at the jammed lock as you tried a plethora of spells but none of them worked.

“Not really,” Sirius admitted as he leaned against a nearby pillar, taking delight in just watching you rather than helping out. “But I thought it would make a funny story regardless.” 

You snorted, shaking your head. “You’re something else, Black.” 

“And you like it,” he sang, pushing away from the pillar as he began to make his way towards you. “You like it enough that you came up here with me…alone.”

You turned to face him. “Was I supposed to bring some friends?”

“Is that what you’re into, love?” he teased, now less than a few steps away from you but you didn’t move from your spot.

“Why? Need some details for your fantasies?” you asked innocently, relishing in the way his eyes darkened. 

“You wanna show instead of telling?” he retorted, his gaze falling to your lips for a split second as you closed the distance between you both, chests now almost brushing against each other.

“You think you could look but not touch?” you countered, delighting in the way his cheeks burned pink. “Aw, getting nervous, Sirius?” 

“No,” he lied through his teeth.

“Want me to keep going?” you asked.

“Please.”

Your lips twitched upwards. “I do love it when a boy begs for me.”

.

[yuesya]

Twin AU is watering my crops and clearing my skin ngl. Could we maybe see the moment of realization for Satoru (and maybe Shiki) about her situation as a cursed spirit? Because there’s probably a period of time when they both were effective toddlers that Shiki wasn’t yet hosted inside Satoru yet right? Or what is the development of personhood like what you effectively don’t have your own body? And how did they discover that Shiki was Satoru’s murdered twin?

Satoru had always known that he wasn't alone.

... There's no grand moment of dawning comprehension leading up to this realization, or anything of the sort. He just... knew. It's kind of hard to explain. Sort of like how a person knows how to breathe without ever actually learning how to breathe? Except this is something that's entirely beyond simple bodily instinct. It's really hard to describe using words.

Satoru had always known that Shiki was there with him, long before he ever knew who Shiki even was.

Every day when he wakes up in the mornings in his too-large room, he'll touch his hand to the ground at his side Good morning. His shadow promptly reaches back to him, cheerfully answering him in greeting.

When Satoru is on the verge of dozing off during one of his elder's droning lectures, his shadow insistently nudges him beneath his legs, keeping him just awake enough to prevent him from toppling over and making a fool out of himself. Or, even worse, earning himself an hour-long reprimand from an displeased elder over the lack of decorum.

Sometimes, when Satoru is alone, he'll purposely make silly shapes with his body. And laugh, when his shadow doesn't copy them properly. Then he'll stomp his feet in frustration, when his shadow smugly gets back at him by contorting itself into shapes that are impossible for a human body to mimic in turn, the cheater!

... It takes an embarrassingly long time before Satoru realizes that your shadow isn't actually supposed to play games with you.

It's not a realization that occurs all at once. It's something that creeps up on them as Satoru dives deeper into his lessons as a sorcerer, when they learn more about jujutsu together.

"Are you a cursed spirit?" Satoru finally asks one evening. His shadow wiggles in a 'dunno, probably?' sort of gesture. "Y'know, you're pretty harmless, for a cursed spirit."

His shadow crosses its harms huffily; Satoru grins.

"Aw, don't be like that, you know what I meant." Cursed spirits are amalgamations of evil and hatred, and must be exorcised for the sake of peace and order. Or so their teachers kept saying. "How did you even get here, anyways? And why me?"

Another wiggle.

But it's a valid question -with all the layers of seals and protections slapped over the Gojo Compound, it's impossible for any cursed spirits to slip through the cracks unnoticed. And yet the cursed spirit living in his shadow has clearly done just that. His Six Eyes informs him that the cursed spirit's energies blends perfectly with his own, which adds another layer of oddity to the mystery.

Everyone's cursed energy signature is different; families are similar, but not even siblings share the exact same signature. Was this a cursed spirit born of Satoru's own overwhelming cursed energy, somehow?

... Logic says that it's plausible, but his intuition tells him otherwise.

Satoru doesn't put together the pieces until his younger cousins are born. A pair of twins, a dark-haired boy and a dark-haired girl, sleeping together on the same cot. The way that their cursed energies intermingle next to each other is exactly the same as Satoru and-

...

... Midori-oba looks scared, instead of happy. Why?

"Cursed twins," his aunt whispers, trembling. "An ill omen, oh no... My husband is furious with me. Hina-neechan gave birth to you, while I- I-"

Satoru tunes out his aunt's incoherent ramblings, and instead focuses on cursed twins.

An ill omen, cursed twins. For twins begin as one singular entity in their mother's womb, and despite coming into this world as two individual bodies, they are still One. Each is only a mere Half of their Self, an empty shadow and pale imitation of what they could've been. Neither twin will ever reach their full potential, unless preventative measures are taken.

Satoru frowns. He doesn't like the sound of these 'preventative measures,' because if the implications are true, and knowing what the elders are like...

Six Eyes. Limitless. The Honored One.

What if the honored one was born with a cursed twin? ... What would the Gojo Clan do?

But did Satoru really have a twin? There's no trace of it -his father had told him about his late mother before while reminiscing, but he's never mentioned a twin sibling. Discretely poking around among the servants also reveals several glaring vacancies (sudden deaths) for those who'd been present during Satoru's own birth, which is not a great vote of confidence.

"... Are you really my twin?" His blood feels cold, a chill that runs down to his bones. Did he have another sibling? Did the clan kill his twin?

His shadow wobbles sluggishly. Satoru bites his lip, concerned.

Despite their innate compatibility with each other, the only way a spirit can truly dwell within a person's shadow was if the person in question was a Ten Shadows user. The bindings holding them together are fraying, growing weaker by the day -Satoru doesn't know how to keep his sibling with him!

And if it breaks- The Gojo Clan-

I won't let that happen.

Satoru's eyes narrow, determined. "I won't let you die again. I refuse to let you die because of me!"

How does one keep a cursed spirit with them?

By providing them with a proper vessel.

How does one hide a curse in a family of sorcerers?

By hiding them somewhere sorcerers will never notice or think to look.

... Satoru knows what to do.

The solution is simple: He takes his twin into his own body.

...

It's...

It's like suddenly drinking a large mouthful of ice-cold water, and Satoru can feel them spreading inside his body. He gets exactly one second to remember that, despite everything, they are a cursed spirit and Satoru's body isn't exactly one suited to be a vessel in the first place, maybe this was a bad idea-

But there's no accompanying pain. Nothing of the sort. Satoru gets the sensation of a soft sigh from his twin, as they carefully curl themselves through Satoru's flesh and blood and...

... goes to sleep.

... Wait, goes to sleep?? Just like that? Doesn't he at least get a 'thank you' or something?!

Unbelievable.

...

That night, Satoru has a dream. There's a little girl his age who appears in front of him. White-haired and blue-eyed just like him, and the moment she looks up and catches sight of him, she smiles brightly.

"Toru-nii!"

Satoru catches his little sister when she throws herself at him in a tight hug.

"I'm sorry," he says. I'm sorry that it took me so long to figure things out. I'm sorry that you're dead, because of me. "I'm so sorry."

The girl tilts her head in confusion. "Why?"

Satoru chokes, "Do you really have to ask?!"

"Silly," his lookalike laughs, reaching up and patting his cheek in comfort. "Toru-nii has nothing to be sorry for."

Actually, no, but Satoru isn't about to let their first conversation together devolve into an argument. "What's your name? ... Wait, do you have one?"

"Shiki." They blink at each other in mutual surprise, and the girl -Shiki- scrunches her face in confusion. "My name is... Shiki?"

... She actually has a name. The clan even named her -then denied any records of her existing and killed her afterwards?? She's not even on the family grave! Were they trying to make his sister into a vengeful ghost??

Satoru breathes in deeply -even though this is a dream and he isn't actually breathing in deeply like this with his physical body right now, but, details- and firmly puts his hands on his sister's shoulders.

"Shiki," he says. "Do you know who killed you?"

His sister shakes her head. Well, it was a long shot -if Satoru had the timeline pinned down, then the clan would've ordered her death within the first few months after they'd been born. Children don't really start retaining conscious memories of their childhood until they're at least a few years old, so it makes sense that she wouldn't remember. In fact, it's probably for the best that she doesn't remember her no-doubt traumatic death.

"It'll be alright," he says. "It'll be alright. Toru-nii will protect you."

But first, he needs to know who in particular to protect her from. It takes Satoru awhile, over the course of a few years, but he's able to put together the minuscule pieces bit by bit. If Satoru hadn't possessed the Six Eyes and if it weren't for Shiki's own discerning eyesight, the investigation would've been a lot harder.

But the conclusion that they find at the end... it's...

...

Father? Really? Shiki had been killed by their own father?

Satoru can't believe it. Yes, Gojo Muneyoshi is another one of the elders' worthless puppets and only all-too-interested in polishing Satoru into the clan's sharpest weapon. But the man is a coward. Did he really have the guts to murder his own child?

... Only one way to find out.

The perfect opportunity comes one evening when both of them are awake, and going over Satoru's boring history texts. Muneyoshi gets up in the middle of the night, presumably to relieve himself or to fetch a glass of water, or something along those lines. Satoru deliberately turns on all the lights in his room.

As expected, Muneyoshi makes his way over.

“I guess it’s a good thing that at least one of us is interested in this rubbish, so we can at least get lessons over with quickly." Satoru sighs dramatically, and inside his head, his sister's giggles echo incessantly. "Counting on you for the next test, Shiki!”

Outside their room, Muneyoshi freezes. The man's cursed energy trembles with heavy, unspoken guilt. But there's no hiding anything from the Six Eyes, and Satoru has his answer.

So it really was you.

His fingers tighten on the edge of his history scrolls.

... It's not fair.

It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. Why does Shiki have to die? Just because some elders think it means that it will curtail Satoru's power? There's no proof! And Satoru is strong. Even if his sister was a non-sorcerer -which she wasn't- it didn't matter; Satoru would be strong enough for the both of them, if that was what it took. But they wouldn't even give her a chance, and they just-!

Toru-nii?

... Don't worry, I'm fine, Shiki.

That night, Satoru resolves to himself that he'd rather see the world burn, before he ever let any of them touch his little sister again.

[insomniac-101]

Rose Tyler Character Analysis

Ah so Rose Tyler.

Rose " you like my gun?" Tyler who arguably, is one of the most important characters of the RTD era. A character so influential, that the narrative takes the time to mourn her absence and was single handedly responsible for bringing the series back from the dead.

She's so controversial. You either really love her or hate her, and I think that in itself is a testament to how well she is written. Because she left an impact, and that's not an easy thing to do in a series that has been around for so long

With that in mind though, I find that she is also the character that most people tend to misinterpret a lot. Often framing her in a bad light, rather than with the nuance required to understand her.

That being said I'm about to analyze the shit out of her character as well as some of her main relationships so if you love her, great I do too! Let's be friends! And if you don't, that's a shame but hopefully the way I interpret her journey will help you better understand why others do:)

I must stress that this is my interpretation but feel free to let me know if you saw a scene differently than me! Love reading alternate interpretations, me

Rose Marion Tyler is introduced to us in the first season of Nuwho as an ordinary girl. She has a job, a boyfriend, and a mother but from the way we are introduced to these facets of her life, we get the impression that she isn't necessarily someone that seeks to have anything more. She fits right in with said life and from an outside perspective, one can even argue that she seems content with it.

However it's in the moment where we see her come face to face with the impossible, that we really see who she is as a person.

When confronted with a group of living mannequins that slowly creep towards her , alone I must add, her reaction is one that is quite strange. Here she is, looking to fulfill a task in a completely dodgy and empty area below her workplace and when she sees something odd, she doesn't show fear. She doesn't scream, no on the contrary, she begins to try to rationalize what is happening in a manner that makes sense to her. Never one to assume danger, even when it is painfully obvious that there might be something strange happening.

That is when she meets the Doctor. A man unfamiliar and strange that saves her life right before she too succumbs to the threat. Thus, treating us to our first glimpse into the dynamic between our two leads.

She is visibly put off. Perhaps a little afraid but she asserts that the incident was nothing more than a prank. Something harmless and silly, even though it is quite obvious to us that that is not the case. It's this manner of viewing the incident that catches his attention however.

"Very clever, nice trick. Who are they then, students? Is this a student thing or what?"

"Why would they be students?"

"I don't know!"

"Well you said it, why students?"

"Cause to get that many people dressed up and being silly, they got to be students"

I find this interaction so interesting because it says a lot about her perspective. She doesn't assume the mob meant any harm. In fact, she goes out of her way to make up an even more incredulous scenario to justify their innocence, even when it is obvious that that is not the case. 

It shows nativity, but there's an underlying level of optimism there as well.

It is here where she finds out that Wilson is dead, and we see her react with concern. But notice, she doesn't assume he had anything to do with it.

Rather it's his tone that rubs her the wrong way, and she confronts the Doctor. Chastising him about joking about something so awful and even when he interrupts, she doesn't stop her pursuit for an explanation.

She is on the move right behind him, asking more questions that only seem to have more confusing answers. Following in spite of how absolutely bat shit his explanations are.

In this brief interaction, we see some of the most crucial aspects of her character. Her bravery, curiosity, and stubborn nature that allow her to remain by his side, long enough that he has to physically stop her and tell her to go home.

It is this blatant show of her character that prompts him to ask for her name.

Because here she is, confronted with the impossible yet she doesn't just stand to the side in shock. No, instead she chooses to engage with the Doctor. Trying to find a reason for what is happening, or in other words, a solution even if it's at the expense of her own well-being.

It's when we see her recovering at home, that the initial veil of an ordinary and perfect life is uncovered. Jackie is too busy on the phone to really offer any emotional support to her daughter. Gossiping on the phone about the incident, and in the minute a break presents itself, she uses that time to criticize her for not taking advantage of the situation.

I must stress that this interaction isn't included to say that Jackie is a horrible mother, quite the opposite, but she is human. RTD goes to show you that no one is perfect. That even the most well intended individual is flawed, and that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. This is important to keep in mind when analyzing the relationships between the characters.

Even though Jackie doesn't show her support through words, she still takes the time to give her tea as she is sitting. She is doing the best she can under the circumstances in which she's in. She's conscious that their financial situation isn't ideal, and so by telling her that she should have asked for compensation, this is not to show that she is greedy, but rather it's her way of showing that she cares. That at the very least, her daughter can secure herself some money for experiencing the traumatic incident.

It shows that she's a realist, someone who views the world through a cynical lens and prioritizes survival above all else.

Similarly we meet Mickey, and he is a bit more emotional to an exaggerated degree. Showing physically that he cares with a hug and going out of his way to fuss and dote over her, but this overblown affection seems to make her uncomfortable. As if to show that she doesn't like being the center of attention, and that they are making her feel helpless at the expense of their concern.

Understanding her need for a distraction, he offers to take her to the pub but it's not long before she catches on to his true intentions. Granted he does appear to be genuine in his goal, but it's not an activity she would enjoy and so she tells him to just go alone.

Now similar to the previous point I made about the characters being flawed, that applies here too. The relationship she has with Mickey is not perfect. Mickey is trying to play the role of a perfect boyfriend. He is showering her in love and support, but we quickly see that his motivations are not completely selfless. That really that overblown affection he is showing at the moment, is an act. We see this happen again later when he tries to put on this front that he's her protector in front of Clive, but she shuts that down too. Not because she doesn't love him or appreciate the concern, but because it's not him, and this front he puts on sometimes results in him ignoring what she actually needs.

He assumes he knows what's best for her without taking into account that she might not agree. It's only when he shows that playful nature we saw earlier in the intro that Rose seems responsive to him. As if to show that it's when he's acting like himself, that she appreciates his company. Because what she needs at the moment is not for them to dictate what she should do, she just needs them to respect her decision to move on.

When he leaves, we finally see that the comfort she derives from him is really from the friendly banter they have. At the core of their relationship, is a friendship.

I find that way too many people tend to assume that everything Mickey does comes from a place of ill intent, and that is just not true. He's a person, and he too has his own motivations and emotions that may not always align with those around him. That doesn't make him a bad partner, just a flawed one.

When she wakes up, we see that yet again, she is subjected to more fussing from her mother but it is in this interaction that something interesting about Jackie is revealed.

Jackie claims that her prior job at the mall was giving her "airs and graces" and this is something she tends to bring up later too, when she feels herself becoming more distant from her daughter.

This is a reflection of Jackie's own insecurities, not Rose's actual attitude.

Whenever she sees Rose find a piece of the world to call her own, she tends to put it down. Not because she hates seeing her succeed, but because she fears that once she finds something better she'll leave her behind. That she will have to experience loss once more, at the expense of her daughter rather than her husband all that long ago.

Now this is an assumption that on her part, I'd argue, is a bit unfair given that Rose doesn't ever really show to resent where she comes from. (in Tooth and Claw, she is even named  "Dame Rose of the Powell Estate". Which shows that she is not really one to shy away from her background) Nor does she believe herself to be better than anyone, but Jackie uses it often because she knows it elicits a reaction out of her. She's grown so used to having her around, that now she can't fathom living without her and resorts to hurting her as a means of keeping her close. 

It's an attachment to her daughter that at times, can prove to be stunting to Rose's development but ties back to the long lasting grief she feels at losing Pete. Again this is not an intentional thing she does, but it is a flaw that exists and shows up when they butt heads.

(I stress this point because I've noticed that this Era of Doctor who in particular has many instances where characters declare something, only for it to be a false conclusion. It's vital that one considers not only the words, but the actions of said characters. To read into their words, rather than to take it a face value. I will be doing a lot of that here, case in point)

Rose often has to put up boundaries with Jackie. Not because she doesn't love her, but because the extent of her love and attachment can be overbearing to the point that it interferes with her life. They have survived so long by functioning as a unit, but now it's time for Rose to prioritize her own feelings and that in turn scares Jackie.

I must stress that Rose is still so young, only 19. For her to have the maturity to know how to handle her mother as well as handle the household (we see her fussing over the cat flap, demonstrating that she is constantly aware of the circumstances they live in) shows that she had to grow up fast. Being constantly aware of adult concepts such as finances and the death of a parent from a young age, tends to do that to a kid.

Now skip ahead to when nine stumbles upon her home, and she manhandles him inside lol. She takes control of the situation, offers him a cup of tea and asks him to accompany her to the police station so that they can both handle the situation.

I must stress, once again, that she has no reason to assume he's a good person. For all she knows, he could have purposefully caused the explosion to kill them all. But no, she assumes that he was just a victim like herself and aims to bring closure to the incident.

Rose is someone that assumes the best in people. We see this time and time again with how she interacts with those around her. When she is talking about the body that was found, she assumes it's Wilson and talks about how sorry she is that it happened to him and that he was a nice bloke (even though her face tells the opposite lol).

She is kind. It's in her nature to care for and care about others. It's because of this that she is able to get through to the Doctor when he tries to leave again.

So she insists that he tell her what's going on, and continues to pursue him while making conversation. At one point he asks if she believes him and she admits that she doesn't, but nonetheless she continues listening. 

A kind act she then does for Clive, which suggests that the reason why she stays is because she recognizes that everyone wants to be heard. That to be acknowledged, means to finally feel validated. Something that seems to be absent from her life, given how often both Mickey and Jackie tend to dominate conversations regarding her decisions.

She gives him the space to joke around, to add levity to the discussion but the moment he confesses that he is alone she stops it.

Because she is concerned now. He, a complete stranger yet she offers him the patience to go at his own pace. All while, she is firm in her pursuit for an answer but not at the expense of upsetting him.

This is why they work.

She has the emotional intelligence that he lacks. She challenges him by offering a perspective that completely goes against his own. And when he's being insensitive or too focused on the big picture of things, she is able to put him in his place. Reel him back in and set him straight again.

(I did a more in depth analysis on the 9th doctor here if you're interested!)

It isn't until after she leaves Clive that we see her actually start to reconsider the direction that her life is going in. Because now more than ever, she realizes just how narrow her perception of the world really is. How insignificant her life is, in the grand scope of the universe.

She reminisces, talking about how she could go back to school now that she has the extra time to spend. Another decision, mind, that was done on behalf of someone else and she is starting to regret.

She asks for Mickey's opinion but him not actually being him, isn't able to give his input and changes the subject.

"I'm sorry, was I talking about me for a second?"

Her offense is something that stands out to me, however.

Based on prior interactions, one can come to the conclusion that Rose is not as open as she appears to be at first glance. When Mickey attempted to appease her by offering her the space to talk about the explosion, she shut him down and later on refused to include him in her meeting with Clive. She even went as far as to lie about her prior involvement with the Doctor to her mother. Which in turn suggests that it's not often that she has aspects of her life that are solely hers and so, when she finds something, she keeps it to herself.

This could be due to a number of reasons, but I suspect it is because of the company she keeps around.

Her mother criticizes her job and asks her to change it, and Mickey dissuades her decision to go looking for Clive. She keeps things close to her chest because she's aware that the people in her life won't often support them.

Then the Doctor interrupts, and Mickey is revealed to be a clone. Panic arises but her being the selfless person she is, presses the fire alarm as a means of ensuring that more people won't get hurt. This also shows one of her biggest strengths as a character, she is incredibly clever. Even though she dropped out of school at a young age, she has a knack for finding solutions with very little resources. She's sharp and has a level headed approach that makes her perfect for a crisis. 

It also shows that she has a habit of putting others before herself, because before Mickey even attacked, she was already standing next to the button.

Her compassion, bravery, and quick thinking are what ultimately drive her to save the Doctor's life. Because I'm spite of being in trouble himself, he pleads that she save herself at the price of his own life. Proving to her, that he is not responsible for the death follows him. And in turn she realizes that the life she is living is truly stunting her, because it's her putting faith into her own capabilities that allows her to save him.

That she, just like the Doctor, is capable of doing something beyond what she thought was out of her reach.

That she is free to live a life not constrained by the ordinary.

Now I'll skip ahead to the big decision; the one that seals her fate as his companion and a decision I often see people misunderstand. The decision to stay with the Doctor is not one that comes easily. Her initial rejection of his request is one that displays her hesitance.

Note that it is not because she doesn't want to, that much is evident from the way she's gazing longingly at the Tardis. But because Mickey's pleading is getting to her. He is latching onto her, metaphorically and literally; not taking the time to consider how she might feel about the opportunity.

He does not trust that she knows what's best, which is made evident in the way he often doubts her.

Up until now Rose has been someone that puts everyone above herself when it comes to making decisions. She has to consider their feelings, to the point that she feels the need to hide things from them.

Her mother.

Mickey.

And now she's going to let them snub out that little spark she just discovered she has.

It's because of this that she thanks Mickey before she leaves. Because it's his helplessness that helps her realize how fit for a life of thrills she is. While he was cowering, she in turn was thriving in the danger.

Him doing nothing but clinging to her, made her realize that she is capable of doing so much more than what she could do at his side. That she has the potential to save many lives and make a difference in the world.

So she leaves.

She is not angry at him when she does, quite the opposite, it's him being true to himself in a crisis that puts things into perspective.

The next episode makes her confront the reality of the path she has chosen.

He takes her to the end of the world and she realizes that her role is not to stop the inevitable. The Doctor is not someone that is responsible for preventing bad things from occurring, no, he is a witness to them just like she is.

This confession comes with the loaded realization that not every adventure will end happily. That death is not something that can be avoided and that the Doctor is not a hero. This shows her naivety, and through this adventure, she begins to lose some of it.

She freaks out at seeing the "relics" of the human race. All things she is familiar with, yet, it comes with the startling realization that everyone is dead. 

That she is the last of her kind alive.

So she runs.

In spite of it all being such a shock to her, however, she still has the ability to reach out to someone. Finding comfort in talking to an alien by the name of Rufalo, and asking for her name and background. Extending kindness to someone that she doesn't have to, because it in turn brings her happiness. It shows she is someone that cares for others, regardless of what they look like. That at her core, she is kind and considerate.

One of my favorite scenes that perfectly demonstrates this point is an underrated scene where she talks to a plant. She previously observed that one of the aliens that initially greeted her is a tree descendant that gifts her a piece of her grandfather, and she addresses it shyly.

"Hello, my name's Rose, that's a sort of plant. We might be related..I'm talking to a twig."

It's played for laughs but it demonstrates that her ability to want to understand others comes from a place of wanting to relate to them. She talks to the tree with respect and views it as an equal before realizing that it's just that, a twig.

When the Doctor finds her and begins to appease her by making jokes at the expense of the aliens, she once again surprises him with her reaction.

She gets offended.

All on behalf of the deep south aliens that cannot defend themselves in the current moment from his scrutiny, because she is able to humanize them. To see them as people, in spite of the obvious differences they may have.

This suggests that Rose's first instinct when out of her element, is to try to understand and sympathize.

That way of being, is what causes her to turn her questions on him.

Why he is so quick to judge others.

Why he is able to maintain that sense of levity as he sees the world burn.

And why he seems so touchy about his background.

Something that I wish to add, because we have an instance of this happening in this episode, is that her need to understand others might be rooted in the perception others seem to have of her. People tend to diminish her value because of how she looks. In this episode, Jabe, the tree lady presumes that Rose is the doctor's concubine or even a prostitute. This is why she gets offended and tells them both off.

(This happens a lot more than I realized on my first watch, and a lot of people write it off as her being jealous when that's not the case. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t display some jealousy at times, but it genuinely does not occur as often as people claim it does)

This is also why Cassandra gets under her skin so much. Because she presumes that Rose is inferior and looks down on others but that alone is not enough to justify her being killed. She makes that clear when she pleads for the Doctor to save her.

We also get some insight on why her dad's death left such an impact on her. It's brief but while watching the earth melt away, she says this:

"it's gone, we're too busy saving ourselves no one saw it go. All those years, all that history and nobody was even looking."

Even though she didn't know him personally, the fact that he died alone is something that deeply troubles her. To anyone else he was just a man, yet to her and her mother he was a father, someone that was meant to be a part of her life. He should have had someone there, just like how the earth deserved to be remembered in its final moments by those who personally lived in it. To die without anyone you care for acknowledging your importance must be haunting.

The reason why she stays with the Doctor is for the same reason why the tragedy of her father's death deeply affected her, she doesn't want him to be alone. Loneliness can be so terrible. Had it not been for the Doctor being with her, she would have felt overwhelmed by the weight of the world's end. It's having him there that made the pain bearable. She understands this, and so, she takes it upon herself to be the person he has to look his way. To be the hand he has to hold when everything becomes too much.

But the question remains, to what extents is she willing to go to ensure that he will be okay?

Gradually we see Rose become more confident in her ability to command and reason. She no longer hesitates to step in and offer her perspective, all while she continues to extend her kindness to others. This at times, clashes with the Doctor's own priorities but nonetheless his exposure to her has an effect.

It is in the episode Dalek however, where that kindness takes on a new form, a merciful killing. Up until now Rose has been the one to tell the Doctor to give the perpetrators a second chance. To see the good in others even when it's difficult.

But now this creature that has killed many, is changing. It's growing aware, disturbed, and it's all because of her. She stops the doctor from killing it, but now the creature wants to die. It does not want to become like her. It does not want to become so human that it becomes aware of all it's done and how lonely it is.

For the first time, she is made to confront that her kindness might have just condemned someone to a more miserable end. That humanity is not something that every creature strives for, and that at times the kind decision comes with a price.

So she does what it asks, and orders it to die. Saving the Doctor from sullying his hands with more blood but at the price of her own becoming unclean. Are these the depths to which she would go to ensure the Doctor's wellbeing?

The next two episodes explore what happens when Rose underestimates her ability to make mistakes.

She's become more confident, taking along Adam to their next adventure because she believes she has a good judge of character. Plus he’s kind of pretty, so that’s a plus for her lol

She wants to be the impressive one now and share that wonder for the universe with someone else. To see what it looks like from the perspective of a new pair of eyes, because to her it has all become kind of normal.

The price of understanding the Doctor more, is that it comes at the price of her humanity. She will no longer be able to sustain her naivety towards how cruel the world can be. It will become harder to judge when she is viewing things in a rational human way, or through the eyes of someone that has grown desensitized to the chaos.

In retrospect, I don't think it's a coincidence she is wearing red here. She has now witnessed a death at her hands, and she is trying to regain control. To remember what it's like to view the world through the eyes of someone normal like Adam.

With time, she will grow to be a stranger amongst other humans. She will have a harder time relating to others because her understanding of the world far surpasses there’s. 

Oh but Adam is not like her. Because she assumes everyone is well intentioned, she fails to realize that he might hold ulterior motives. When he fails her, she realizes that she is also capable of making a bad call. That the Doctor is holding her to a standard and if she makes a mistake like Adam, she too can be left behind.

Father's day is where we finally see her make a misstep and it's one hell of a problem. Her initial goal was to be there for her father and comfort him in his final moments, but she realizes quickly that seeing it is far more disturbing than she had initially anticipated.

He's her father. Seeing him die once is bad enough, but twice? All while fully aware that she can easily prevent it? It's a temptation that is far too great to pass up. But quickly she realizes her mistake and she can't think rationally, she is far too emotional to reason with.

"but he's alive,"

"my entire planet died, my whole family. Do you think it never occurred to me to go back and save them?"

"but it's not like I've changed history, not much. I mean he's never gonna be a world leader. He's not gonna start world war 3 or anything"

"Rose there's a man alive in the world who wasn't alive before. An ordinary man. That's the most important thing in creation."

She overestimated what she understood about travelling in time. She realizes this, but her pride will not let her stand down. She wrongly uses his loneliness as a means of keeping him there, knowing that he would never actually leave her but alas he does. In doing so, granting her a once in a lifetime chance to get to know her father personally.

With this opportunity comes the realization that her father was not the man her mother told her about. 

Not successful nor heroic, but flawed like any other man.

She finds out that he and Jackie had a strained relationship, nothing like the perfect relationship her mother described. That he had had an affair and that they were not on the best terms when he died. Really, her mother was protecting her from the reality of the situation. All for the sake of giving her a father figure that would not disappoint her, even in death.

But on the flip side, she is also able to know the best parts of him. Now she has a reference of who he was at his best as well. She is able to have him recognize her as his daughter and when he realizes the extent of her mistake, he takes on the responsibility to right her wrong. So that his blood is not on her hands, and so that she will remember him as the proper father he would have been after he’s gone. 

Note that he does this for her, not because she wouldn't have eventually asked it of him, but because he doesn't want the guilt of his second death to be on her.

She apologizes of course, to the Doctor but not before he does the same. It is in this moment, that she realizes how much she means to him and in turn, how much he means to her. 

When viewing this scene, once should keep in mind that the episode draws many parallels between the Doctor and her father. At one point, it states that she considers the Doctor to be the most important man in her life. so when her father comes along, in misplaced anger she asserts that the Doctor did not want her father to live because it would threaten his importance to her.

The reason why I draw attention to this detail is because I believe this is the episode where she realizes she loves the Doctor romantically. 

When her father touches her face as he recognises her as his daughter, she nestles into it like a little kid seeking comfort from a parent. Now that she knows what it feels like to have a proper father, she has a better understanding of what that kind of love feels like. 

So when the Doctor does the same thing, she stares deeply into his eyes as if just realizing what he means to her. Her reaction to him is almost shy and stiff, very unlike her usual temperament.

I think this is the moment she realizes her feelings for the Doctor are not that of her trying to fill a void her father left, but of a different origin entirely. The reason I say this is because these two scenes, mirror each other down to the camera angle. With both shots, focusing on her reaction to the touch.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that earlier in the episode, she gets mad when her father assumes the Doctor is her boyfriend. She even expresses confusion on why people think they’re together, which wouldn’t really make much sense if she had felt romantic attraction to him prior to this moment.

This isn't to say that she purposefully projected such an image onto the Doctor, not at all. But I think it's this experience that finally gives a name to what she was feeling for him all along. Something that started off as platonic but eventually morphed into romantic love.

(I can’t believe that I just claimed Rose might have daddy issues but here it is. On the bright side though, this goes to prove that the Doctor fell for her first so do as you wish with that assertion lol)

Then Jack appears and finally, their attraction for one another becomes obvious to everyone but one another lol. This is where the whole dancing scene happens and I think you all know what they meant lol I don't have to make an in depth analysis about it. 

(But how curious that she suddenly starts being more blatant with her flirting, after Father’s Day? Just sayinnng)

I must stress now, because this will become critical later on, that Rose is naturally very flirty and touchy. She's like that with most people it seems, but she never really means anything by it. When Jack appears, she finds him attractive but when he starts getting too close she begins to feel uncomfortable. 

She even stops his advances at one point. She likes being liked, even plays into it, but she never acts on her attraction. It's a flaw of hers in the same way the 10th doctor likes being chased by beautiful women, but she's never unfaithful.

Okay so I'm going to say something really radical here, but Boomtown is when Rose and Mickey breakup. For good. Personally, I am not of the belief that they were together in season 2.

The reason why I say this is because the moment Mickey and Rose are left alone, all she can do is recount stories about the Doctor and how great their adventures are. It is here where we see what was pointed out to us previously: that she would eventually outgrow the outlook of those around her. She is no longer the Rose he knew, or fell for. She has grown more confident, happier, and can no longer relate to him. 

In other words, she has outgrown him.

It’s here where Mickey tells her that he is seeing someone else. 

Rose does become a little jealous here, making a comment about the girl's weight, but she quickly realizes it's not appropriate and takes it back. Instead, commenting that she's a nice girl. 

Now remember how I mentioned that at the core of their romantic relationship was a friendship, we see that here more than ever.

When he suggests they find a hotel, she reminds him that he has someone and then questions why he is even with Trisha if she’s not the girl he usually goes for. (They grew up together, so it makes sense why she would know what his type is). This doesn't seem as if she's asking because she's jealous but because she's confused on why he's settling for someone. 

She is concerned for his wellbeing.

To which he admits he is and that he can't move on because he is still in love with her. When he asks if he wants him to wait for her, she can't answer. Not because she is unsure of her answer, but because she knows what it is. Her heart is no longer his.

Her running at the sound of trouble and refusing to answer is the answer. It will never be him. She cannot promise him something that just isn't what she feels anymore. Him yelling that “of course it will always be the Doctor”, is him confirming it. That what they had, has ended. 

This is the moment they break up. Her seeking him out afterwards is not her trying to mend the romantic relationship they had, but the friendship.

But it is too late.

When she returns after the Slitheen crisis ends, he is no longer there. He will not wait for her anymore and when asked about his whereabouts, she concedes that he will not join them when they leave because he deserves better.

This is her acknowledging that she did wrong in having him wait. She cries because it ended in such a heartbreaking way, but not because it is no more.

She realizes she hurt him, and this guilt follow her into season 2.

The reason why I am so confident on this is because they’re never really all that affectionate after this. Yes they hold hands and hug, but that’s something she did with the Doctor long before they were together. They never share a kiss, and the only one that ever refers to their relationship as something more, is the Doctor.

(Who I must add, has his own motivations for doing so. Mainly out of jealousy, and because it creates a barrier between the Doctor and Rose's relationship. I swear, you can't trust these people lol)

That's why her attachment to him never really presents itself as an issue later. Weeell not until the Doctor inserts him as a means of putting a wedge between the two of them. But I am getting ahead of myself here.

Skipping to the final episode, Rose is tricked into leaving the Doctor and she is left to confront what life without him is like.

This is the girl who, at the thought of her father dying alone, almost broke the universe to grant him some companionship in his final moments. 

He is dying out there, somewhere she can't reach.

And in the meantime, she waits helplessly as the man she loves is trapped in the future, unable to do anything but mourn him.

For the first time, we are confronted with a version of Rose that is devoid of any hope. A sight so unfamiliar to both Mickey and Jackie, that they don’t know what to do or say to make it better. 

That does not stop them from trying, however.

It's here that Jackie is able to admit that she admires him for doing what he did. This confession is a big deal because it highlights the beginning of a major change in perspective for her. 

The reason why Jackie and the Doctor’s relationship is so strained to begin with, is because she feared that he would be the catalyst to Rose’s eventual departure. She projected her insecurities onto him, often portraying him as the type to endanger her daughter on purpose and the reason why her life was such chaos. Yet, in this moment she concedes that she was wrong, that the Doctor is more noble than she had initially given him credit for. 

He's not selfish like she initially presumed, but selfless; choosing to prioritize her safety, over his own loneliness.

When Rose questions what she is expected to do now, Mickey is offended. He cannot understand the extent of her feelings, so he resorts to the defensive. Claiming that she must a sense of superiority if she thinks she is not capable of assuming a normal life like anyone else. But just as was shown before, both him and Jackie are very flawed people. They have their agendas and so they impose what they think is best onto her, without considering their own biases.  

Because they care, they assume rather than listen ... but she's no longer the same Rose.

She is different. 

No longer naive and no longer fit to live a life that doesn't have him in it. Not solely out of love, but because she felt she was at her best there.

"it was a better life, I don't mean all the traveling and... Seeing aliens and spaceships and things, that don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of living your life."

She criticizes Mickey for assuming the worst of her in that moment, as he has seen first hand the change she went through. That's why they broke up after all, because that change made her harder to hold onto.

With that change however, is the realization that living a normal life would mean to throw away all the growth she went through. 

To abandon her new sense of purpose, and lose that part of herself that refused to give up. The side of her that held onto hope, in spite of all odds being against her.

And finally, to give up would mean to lose the Doctor: the man that believed in her and never stopped.

When she says there's nothing left for her there, on earth, she means it. She would rather die than live a life without him in it. 

She's an emotional wreck at the thought of losing him but other than it just being a statement said in the heat of the moment, I find that she might also have a point.

Sure it's harsh, I won't deny it but really other than her mother, what is there to keep her there? 

Everyone, even ordinary people, leave home eventually. That is just reality. Her mother is there, yes, but one day she will die. Rose will be all that’s left, because not even Mickey will measure up to the Doctor and it is unfair to expect him to fill his place. 

She will be expected to live a life where not even one person understands her and in the process, forget the part of herself that she grew to love.

What they're asking of her is to give up on the part of the world that she has made her own. To hide the spark that made her into who she is, because that's how much the experience has become a part of her identity as a person.

It's selfish, but doesn't that apply to everyone? Who's happiness has not come at the expense of other people? By asking her to give up her life with the Doctor, are they not doing the same to her?

The reason why knowing that she met her father seemingly changes Jackie's mind is because the revelation is a confirmation that Rose has grown up. Her distress is not out of a naive love that Rose holds towards the Doctor, no, she is aware of the implications of what she is saying.

The reason why Jackie never told her the truth about her father is because at the time, she was a little girl who could not understand that her dad was not a perfect man. She meant to protect her innocence, even if it came at the expense of the truth.

But she realizes then, that she is not that little girl anymore. That before her stands a young woman, who no longer needs her protection. One who has accomplished impossible feats on her own merit, and grew not because of her, but in spite of her.

So when Rose tells her that she has found her place in the world, she means it.

Not to mention, the Doctor was able to give her a sense of comfort that not even she could give her. Granting her a sense of closure and thus cementing just how incredible of a life she is leaving behind. 

Jackie’s own fear of abandonment, is not enough to blind her to how important of a task this is to Rose.

This is why they help her in spite of it potentially meaning her death. Because to ask her to leave it all behind without trying, would be the equivalent of killing her. The version of herself that was forged from the experiences aboard the Tardis.

Season 2 is effectively what occurs when the reality of falling for a man indebted to the universe, starts to settle in.

His regeneration makes her confront the fact that he is unlike any human man. That the rules that define human relationships, will not apply to their own. With that in mind, she seemingly loses her footing amidst the chaotic revelation. 

She struggles to take control of the alien invasion, not because she doesn't know how, but because everything she knew to be true has changed. The foundation of all she stood for, has been broken and she has no idea what her place in all of it is.

When she realizes that he is still him, her acceptance comes with the acknowledgment that their circumstances have changed. That she will have to accept those alien aspects of himself, and redefine her prior assertions of what a life with him would mean in the long run. Because now more than ever, the love between the two of them is stronger than ever. But neither is willing to sacrifice the greater good for it.

Something I need people to understand is that the reason why their relationship doesn't become anything more than a friendship, until Tentoo, is because both are aware that his duty is something he can't abandon. It's a conscious decision on both their parts, not just on Tens.

We see this time and time again when Ten is made to confront the possibility of her death. She is not immune to the misfortune of the world and she knows this. But just because she's aware of this, doesn't mean that she lets it stunt the enjoyment of her life.

This is where their perspectives drastically differ. On one hand you have ten who recognizes that he is not human. The world is cruel and to give in to his love for her would mean losing her eventually. This is why after he is confronted with Sarah Jane, he can't bring himself to describe why she is different. 

Why she is his exception.

So he brings along Mickey to act as a buffer. This is why Rose seemingly disagrees with his idea to bring him along. Her and Mickey are just friends. He still has feelings for Rose, she knows, and to involve him is to give him the impression that he still has a chance. Again, it's not out of jealousy. If it were, she wouldn’t have been so keen on bringing along Sarah Jane Smith after this adventure or Mickey in season 1.

At the price of his comfort, he cruelly doesn’t consider Mickey’s perspective. 

She makes this clear later on when he asks why he was tempted to explore Pete’s world.

“Mickey’s mum just couldn’t cope. His dad hung around for a while, but then just sort of wandered off.He was brought up by his gran. She was such a great woman. God, she used to slap him! But then she died. She tripped and fell down the stairs. It’s about five years ago now. I was still in school.”

“I never knew”

“Well, you never asked.”

“You never said.”

It is his inability, ironically, to not think beyond his best interests that has a tendency to hurt those around him.

The funny thing is, the episode where she is supposed to act jealous and petty is actually the episode where we explore why Rose is such a great match for the Doctor. Because even though Madame de Pompadour belittles her importance to the Doctor and seems to be the main focus of his affectons, Rose still does what she can to save her.

This is who she is. 

Yes, she can be emotional at times but when it really matters, she can put those feelings aside to do what is right. This is something that we see develop in her since season 1. It shows that she is aware of the duty the Doctor has to protect time itself, and it's here that we see her take an active part in it herself.

When Mickey taunts her out of jealousy of their relationship, asserting that the Doctor's intentions are not as pure as she thinks they are, she is quick to defend him. Because she understands that he is not someone that intentionally hurts others. No, he is flawed and his duties are too important to be held to a human standard.

That isn't to say that she is immune to falling victim to the same dark assumptions.

(We see this plainly in the prior episode too, where Mickey's taunts begin to get to her and she assumes the Doctor doesn't value his companions)

It hurts her. You can see that, in the way that she stares longingly into the distance. Coming to terms with the implication of having been left behind, and her role in his life. She will never be his priority. Not when he is the only one left, to ensure that the world won’t plummet in the absence of his own people. 

It is this reasoning that allows her to look beyond herself and reach out to him when he is grieving the loss of Reinette. To ask him if he’s alright, even if its at the cost of her own feelings.

“I’m always alright.”

It is here that she realizes how much he is holding back. How much the constant death is weighing over him. And so, she gives him the space he needs in the meantime. Displaying that strength she has, at the cost of seeing the Doctor at his weakest.

I think this is why in the next episode, when they are trapped in an alternate universe, Ten is seemingly afraid that he might lose her. I mean, to an extent that seems almost overblown but, it makes sense if one infers it's because of how he acted in the prior episode.

 Not only because he seemingly put a wedge between the two of them, but also because more than ever she is aware that his duty is to the universe and not to her. He realizes the extent to which he has taken her love and loyalty for granted. 

How more than ever she is aware that whatever is between the two of them, will never be.

(Personally I see this as his punishment for being so careless in his actions in the prior episodes. Till this day, I still can't watch that episode without feeling so bad for Rose)

His fear is a reflection of his own insecurity: that alien side of him that is incapable of understanding why Rose would choose him above all else.

Rose is not one that would ever hold it against him, however. For the sake of blaming himself, he underestimates the depths of her awareness to the situation they're both in.

She loves him unconditionally. She doesn't expect him to drop his duty. No, more than ever she is aware of the toll it takes on him, from a second hand perspective. 

This is why in Doomsday when Jackie criticizes her for becoming too alien, and for not settling down, she stresses that she will never have a normal life because the Doctor never will. It was never the traveling that made her stay, it was him. The thought of him facing the world alone, to revert back into a miserable version of himself because he has no one to ground him, is a reality she can't live with.

(not to mention, her becoming too desensitized to the life she lives is a problem that can be traced back to season 1 as well. Showing that this is very much a real thing that can happen if she doesn't maintain something that grounds her to the human world)

So she takes it upon herself to be there for him when he hasn't asked. This is incredibly selfless and consistent to her character since season 1.

So when she seeks out Pete, she's not really doing it with the intention of staying. She's curious to see who her father is in a universe where he seemingly lives. Because to her, he is her father regardless of whether or not the body he is in is the original. This universe's versions of the people in her life does not make them any less valid simply because they're slightly different, at the core of them is the people she loves. 

In every universe is a version of the person she loves that when prompted, will save her. This is seen in how it's seemingly these two versions of her parents that do something to help her even at their own expense. With this Pete, being the one to save her before she gets sucked into the void and this Jackie, being the one to save them both from an immediate conversion

(Hint hint, this is the attitude that prompts her to accept Tentoo and it's also a big part of her journey in the Rose Tyler dimension cannon audios.)

This is also the episode where her friendship with Mickey essentially ends for the time being. Seeing how much the Doctor and Rose have grown to love one another gives him the courage to leave. To find that part of the world that is his, even if it means putting a pause on his friendship with Rose. It hurts her to see him go, goes to show you how close they are, but Rose understands that this is something he has to do. That he, just like she did with the Doctor, has to put himself first.

This is why in their final moments together they don't kiss. It parallels her first departure, but without the affirmation that they're going to continue their romantic relationship.

In the kiss they do share earlier, it is one sided.  Initiated by Mickey and one that Rose doesn't seem responsive to, doesn't even close her eyes. It comes unnaturally to the two of them, as if to show how their relationship has changed.

Rose does not share the same outlook that the Doctor does. It's because of this, that their perspectives have a tendency to clash when they're in danger. 

She doesn’t let the moments they have together be weighed down by the knowledge that their time together is limited. No, it is that knowledge that helps her be more outright with her affections towards him. Carrying the strength and hope they both need to continue finding the joy in living in the present. 

We see this presented explicitly, when they realize they're stuck on Krop Tor.

"Can you build another Tardis?

"They were grown, not built. And with my whole planet gone, we're kind of stuck."

"Well it could be worse. This lot said they'd give us a lift."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Find a planet. Get a job. You live a life same as the rest of the universe.

The Doctor can't handle the thought of Rose dying. You see this, in the manner that he is so quick to give up hope once he has accepted their potential doom. 

It goes to show that the strength and peppy attitude he has, is nothing more than a mask. That deep inside, he is afraid and struggling to hold it back.

This is where we seemingly see how he really is, how he really feels. 

How hesitant he is at accepting that there's a way out. 

How quickly he reverts back to cynicism when he isn't reminded that there's still something to fight for.

Rose understands this. 

It's because of this, that she resorts to humor. Telling him about the potential outcomes of their current situation, that won't end in death. That even as they wait for their inevitable end, they can still enjoy their final moments together.

It's in that moment, where they're both vulnerable that she admits she sees herself sharing a life with him. Something that seemingly stuns him back to the present, and causes him to put his walls up.

This must be terrifying to him. 

To have someone understand him so well, that he is caught off guard by how quickly she is able to bypass any prior barriers.

"I promised Jackie I would always take you back home"

"Everyone leaves home in the end"

"Not to end up stuck here."

"Yeah but stuck with you, that's not so bad."

"Yeah?"

"Yes"

It's her ability to not take his reluctance to voice his feelings personally, that causes him to smile. Because it's the moment he realizes that she sees him for who he is, and understands.

It's her capability to see what he means to say that prompts her to kiss his helmet right before he goes. It is what gives them the strength to watch one another as he drops below the surface with Ida.

In other words, it is what gives her the confidence to reaffirm what he means to her even if he can't express it back.

"Oh she knows"

That is why he doesn't see the need to voice how much he loves her right before he drops to the unknown. In a leap of faith, he realizes that really the only belief he really holds is in Rose Tyler. That he will have another opportunity to voice his feelings, away from imminent death.

Rose also devotes all her belief in him, and willingly shoots at the glass in an attempt to survive for his sake.

Beyond all reason, it's this complete devotion to one another that causes them to overcome the challenges that stand in their way. It is what motivates them to assume that the other is alive, even when the odds are against them.

It's this faith, that gives them the strength to continue living once they're separated…only to then reunite in season 4.

(Where another parallel can be found, in how they both seemingly always end up running towards one another. They both hold on to the one person they know will never fail them.)

"Love and Monsters" demonstrates the extent of Jackie's loneliness. She is a single mother who fills the void her husband left with casual relationships. Her daughter is the only real constant part of her life and the fact that she was "left behind" by her Pete is what causes her to harden and see the world very critically. 

It explains why she had such a hard time understanding Rose and her manner of thinking, because it goes against what she craves: security.

This is why she struggled to let her go, but now the Doctor is essentially her family too, and so her loyalty extends to him too. The Tylers are exceptionally loyal, they love unashamedly and they lend a hand to anyone who needs it: Mickey and the Doctor. They may clash often, but that loyalty is what allows them to hold on to one another in spite of their flaws as people. 

They're the ultimate ride or dies.

Jackie and Rose are very alike in this way, this is why they often fight. Their love for the people in their lives is so intense, that they have trouble separating that love from their decisions. It is what gives them the strength to stay by the side of their loved ones, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.

But something that I think people overblow is the reason why Jackie tells her that she's becoming someone unlike herself.

The reason why Rose's life was able to be relatively stable, unlike some companions who came after her, is because she makes an effort to maintain both her human life and her life in the stars. They're intricately intertwined, much like how Donna is also able to maintain her foundation in spite of the memory loss.

The Doctor really isn't her whole life if you think about it. She is not being forced to stay by his side and she does take the time to spend time with family outside of their adventure. 

She chooses to concentrate on their relationship but she has the choice to divide time for others as well.

There is another aspect of her, that I feel like too many people might misunderstand.

She doesn't think of herself as the Doctor's replacement. Her role by his side does not conflate her self importance, she is more than aware that ultimately she is not him. That she, is not granted the same liberties that he has to put her life on the line. 

She knows she is not the Doctor. And she, is comfortable with embracing her role as his companion. She wishes to share his responsibility, not take it over.

This is why she is able to maintain this human aspect of herself for so long. She's still compassionate and understanding, because the tough call is not on her hands most of the time. If it was, she would have gradually lost that part of herself in season 1. But nonetheless it becomes a possible outcome if she's not careful, just like her mother warned.

When she is clinging for her life in Doomsday, something I don't see enough people point out is how truly selfless Rose was at this moment to let go of her hold, for the good of humanity. She reaches for the lever, knowing that there is a good chance she will die, this is why she takes the time to look at him while she desperately holds on.

She wants the last person she sees to be the man she loves; to find the courage to do what is right at the cost of her own life. It was not done out of recklessness.

This is why they are perfect for one another. Because they both understand that they are not the center of the universe, that ultimately, the duty they now share comes first.

This is explored further in the Dimension Cannon audios, that gives context to the development she goes through that leads to her reappearance in season 4.

Her reasons for using the dimension cannon are more complex than they appear at first glance. Her sole reason for finding him is not only because of the love she feels for him, but because she also has to put a stop to the mass destruction of every universe. 

I see way too many people use her reasoning for coming back as evidence that she has this weird obsession with the Doctor, and that's just not true. 

She seeks him out because she has to. 

If she gets to stay with him afterwards, that's just a plus.

(from here on out, I will give out some direct spoilers on said audios to provide more context to the development we see in show. Skip to after the 2nd row of asterisks if you don’t wish to be spoiled)

*******************************************************************************************

It is in the realm of the audios, that Rose is entrusted to travel to parallel worlds without the prior knowledge of knowing where she will end up. Every universe is doomed, and she has to find allies in the parallel versions of the people she loves to pick up on details required to find her original world.

There is no such thing as a parallel Doctor. So she must figure out a way to get back to him and warn him, without his help.

Now I must stress, these audios get dark really fast. 

They do not hold back on showing just how awful this duty is, and how it comes at the expense of her humanity and moral code.

At times, she has to manipulate these parallel versions of her friends and family into helping her. To use them, up until she is forced to leave and in doing so, condemning them to a long and painful death.

 Over and over again. 

Imagine what that does to a person? 

To see the people you love, realize that you can't save them. To leave them behind, while hearing them plead for their lives to be saved.

She takes this duty on, under the pretense that her familiarity with the Doctor makes her the most ideal candidate for the job. She embarks on her first trip, thinking that this might be the closest thing she has to being on another adventure and that in the process, she could save some worlds in his absence.

But it's in fulfilling the role as the universe's protector that she realizes just what she signed up for. She becomes the Doctor's replacement, in the same way Jack Harkness takes on Torchwood and partakes in the duty to protect the earth. 

Yet what makes her different from those two, is that she is mortal. She doesn't have the tools they have at her disposal nor the wisdom that they have gained over the span of their extended lives.

No, she can die.

She cannot save anyone.

And there truly is nothing to guarantee that she will succeed. 

We see her struggle to maintain her distance, to not promise a way out to the people she encounters because there is none. She is no hero, she is their angel of death.

In an act of defiance to the death that will follow her, on her first trip, she saves an alternate version of Clive and takes him under her wing. Only to come to the realization that one life is not enough to make up for all the millions that died under her watch.

It is because of this that she opts to not embark on said missions alone anymore. Instead, she takes her own Pete, Jackie, and Clive only to find that they too struggle to maintain their distance. If not for them, then who will ground her?

It's in one of these solo missions, that she crumbles under the weight of the responsibility that she adopted. 

In a twist of fate, she is imprisoned inside a red phone box. Trapped inside with no means of escaping, and no real guarantee that she will find a means of leaving before the world goes to shit.

It is in this moment, where she is left to wallow in her situation, that we see her break down. She admits this to her mother, who can hear her through the intercom.

"I can't"

"Rose you're scaring me, just get out. Find a way"

"I'm locked inside a police box."

"What? A Tardis?"

"No Mum, a real one. A red one, all musty on the inside."

"Well you gotta get out."

“I know.”

I'll skip ahead, but I felt this was necessary to include to show how dire the situation is.

"I'm sorry.”

“Rose?”

 “It’s the same mom. Same doors, same noise, same light through the windows-I think they’re a bit smaller. If I half close my eyes, i’m there..but it’s not, i’m not. I’m not him. I’m not a time lord. No psychic paper. No sonic, No centuries of knowledge. Only one heart..”

“Sweetheart, I know it hurts but you gotta get it together.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, pick a lock or something?”

“How did he do it?”

“Sheer cheek, most of the time”

“He lit up every room he was in, they always listen to him! He walked through hell like it was a walk in the park.”

Because now she realizes how important it was for him to remain strong, to smile in the face of danger. Before it was easy to assume that she understood everything there was about how he looked at the world. The size of the burden, and what it meant to share it.

But now she’s in his shoes and the truth is starting to settle in. Jackie says this in response, as a means of putting things into perspective for Rose.

“If the universe needs the Doctor, then the universe needs Rose Tyler to find the Doctor. I’m so proud of you but you need to stay alive. One heart. One life, you got that?”

Rose never sought to replace him, we see that here in the manner that she can't handle being in his shoes. She is starting to develop that very same cynicism that he once had and is beginning to feel a sense of inferiority.

This is why she needs someone with her, much like how the Doctor needs a companion. This is a duty that he has to share with someone, not alone.

Jackie believes in her strength, because she knows that she has it in her to prevail. Rose and the Doctor are not the same, but nonetheless she is now the closest thing he has to an equal. And she has to learn to handle this new responsibility through her own means, not by what the Doctor believes is right.

(This is as far as I will share because there's still one audio left in the series and it has yet to come out, so I will hold on to my final conclusions until then. In the meantime though, I urge you all to check them out. They are absolutely worth it!)

*******************************************************************************************

But with this in mind, the hardened version of Rose we see in season 4 makes more sense. It's why the thought of having an alternate Donna die doesn't really dissuade her into using her, and why she is so unlike the Rose Tyler we knew. 

She has matured.

This is reflected in her clothing: the overly practical nature of her outfit and her leather jacket. It purposefully parallels the outfit her first Doctor wore at his lowest point. The version of himself that was overwhelmed by the responsibility he held to uphold what his people once did.

I believe it's this new understanding of his perspective that stops her from putting a name to the nature of their relationship to Donna. She assumes they're together, but Rose neither agrees nor denies her assumption. 

Because she can't make that decision on his behalf, not when he has so much at stake.

It is this new attitude that also seemingly makes her more distant. Less forgiving towards the Dalek threat and less inclined for a peaceful confrontation because she understands that sacrifices must be made for the greater good. It's why she serves as his support system throughout all the chaos, she knows now how overwhelming it is.

Yet that part of her that seeks to comfort those she loves is still there. We see this in the way that when the Doctor is struck, she does not waste time wallowing in all that she has done to get to him. No, she puts aside her feelings and tells him how much she missed him. Tells him she's been busy, as a means of not burdening him with all that she has done to get to him.

(Just as an additional tidbit, I don't know why people use these small bouts of jealousy she briefly displays in the first half of this two parter to justify why they believe Rose wouldn't get along with other companions. She canonically does lol She even compliments Martha and is seen to be on good terms with both Donna and Sarah Jane? Her initial jealousy stemmed from disappointment in being left out. It's not enough to warrant the impression that she is a jealous person all the time.)

With all this in mind, it also offers an additional reason as to why she ultimately ends up choosing Tentoo.

Her final decision is not done on a whim, no, it's her being exposed to the constant dread of a life in his shoes, that puts things into perspective.

She cannot continue chasing after him.

When she is returned to that beach, she comes to the realization that the Doctor is going to decide what is best for her, again. 

In the time they have spent apart, he hasn't changed his outlook on his prior decision. He is still firm in his belief that she is better off living without him (the timelord version), so much so that he does not ask for her input.

It's because of this that she decides to not back down. To not let him think that he can get away with deciding on her behalf because she's not the same woman she was all those years ago. 

Given that it's her life, it is she who needs to make the final call.

Notice that what she asks, when deciding what path to choose, is for clarification on what he meant to say on their initial separation.

The reason why this is important is because the man she knew, would never say it out loud. Only the one capable of changing and giving into that love, would ever do such a thing.

And that version of him is Tentoo.

He is human, but most importantly, his duty to the universe is the same as her own. Indirect. The original Time lord self can continue handling things in his absence so he's got nothing stopping him from enjoying a life by her side. One that can either be mundane or filled with adventure, but it will be spent with one another.

The choice was obvious.

(Notice that this is not the first time she is asked to make this choice. The first time being with Mickey, where she seemingly chooses the life of thrills over her relationship with him, over love. Now that she knows what both paths entail, this time she prioritizes love and chooses Tentoo. 

With the growth she underwent throughout her seasons, she realizes that it's not the adventure she wants, it's the Doctor. This is her, finally making the decision that fits this version of herself that understands that love is what she needs)

But it's with this in mind that she questions what the fate of the time lord Doctor would be if she stays. That is why she says "it's still not right, the Doctor is still you."

Because she personally knows what his role entails. She was barely able to handle it on her own with the help of her family, who is to say that he won't crash and burn when he is alone?

The Doctor is not only his name, but his promise to strive for the greater good. In other words, the role he plays for the universe. She doesn't mean that they're not the same man. No, she means to point out that the price of her happiness will come at his expense. 

That the time lord version, no matter what she chooses, will forever be tied to the responsibility of handling the universe.

"And I am him"

With this, Ten assures her that he too, in a way, will get his happy ending. Because by choosing Tentoo, he guarantees that this version of himself, his tenth incarnation, will not suffer the same fate that he will. A new man will not walk away in his shoes, no, this version of himself will spend the rest of his life loving the woman that he was made to love. To have the one adventure he can never have.

It does not come without pain of course. That is why he can’t bare to see the two together, and turns his back on them. Realizing then and there, that there is no longer a place in the life she will live from here on out.

When she kisses Tentoo, it is both a way of imparting that final sense of gratitude to the time lord version of himself (who allowed for this to happen), and it is also to signify the beginning of a new life she will spend with Tentoo. 

Tentoo is the Doctor, he harbors those same desires that the time lord version of himself has. He is human, which grants him the freedom to choose what path he wants and that path is none other than hers.

It would make absolutely no sense to have her resent him or even believe he isn't the Doctor. 

This is the girl who was able to love multiple versions of her father and mother. That through her solo adventures was reminded that at the core of individuals, are traits that remain regardless of their circumstances.

Why would she not love him too?

A detail I love is that when she hears the Tardis dematerialize, her first instinct is to stop and see it go. 

She is not running to stop him, that much is obvious, because she stops long before she even reaches it.

No, she just stands there and looks at it. 

Just like she would have done had she had the chance to see the earth go on her first trip. This is her goodbye, her affirming that he will be remembered and his importance in her life.

That is why Tentoo joins her, silently taking her hand as if to assure her that he is still there.That he understands that this, is her way of saying goodbye to his other self. But don’t fret, it won’t be long before they too will have their own adventures amongst the stars.

That being said, God forbid he finds out that Jackie joined her on her dimension cannon adventures, he would freak lmao

[venticuliao]

Overanalyzing Cyno and Alhaitham's current relationship

These characters are the first to have a significant on-screen development in genshin, from enemies to circumstantial allies to..?

It seems they didn't get any specific resolution post archon quest, so I decided to take a steady look into the breadcrumbs left behind.

When they clash at Aaru Village, they both have reasons to suspect each other of compliance with the Akademiya sages, and Cyno vows to "eliminate" him if he finds Alhaitham guilty to any degree. However, after the events of King Deshret And The Three Magi (act IV of the Sumeru archon quest), Cyno's about Alhaitham voiceline is immediately unlocked:

Although a bit reluctant, Cyno acknowledges Alhaitham's motivations to be harmless and doesn't consider his behavior threatening, he knows he's different from regular scholars so his position of relative power as the scribe isn't something Cyno has to watch over, and he even implies Alhaitham can be of help in keeping order. At this point, he has dropped all the initial animosity he once felt, and the voiceline is unlocked early to let the player know Alhaitham is a genuine ally.

In summary, Cyno trusts Alhaitham, even with his shady antics.

Fast forward to the Toast to Victory in the last act of the chapter, they share a short conversation with a bit of playful banter:

Cyno: Why didn't you accept the Akademiya's invitation to become the Grand Sage? Alhaitham: Are you trying to say that I'm fit to be a sage? Cyno: Heh, not at all.

So they are on good terms, though they retain some of the rivalry in dialogue just annoy each other a little bit.

After the Sumeru archon quest is over, Alhaitham's voicelines about other characters involved in it are unlocked (Nahida, Nilou, Dehya), but not Cyno's. At this point, Alhaitham has nothing to share about him.

We learned what Cyno's opinion about him was an entire act ago, but there's no reason why Alhaitham should be aware of it. As far as Alhaitham is concerned, just because he's on friendly terms with the General Mahamatra doesn't mean he'll stop acting behind the Akademiya's back in his shady yet harmless way, which isn't ideal from the perspective of the matra. Even Kaveh is surprised that a matra can hang out so comfortably with scholars, but him and Tighnari don't behave questionably like Alhaitham. And Cyno is also keeping a distance and avoiding asking questions that he's not willing to answer anyway:

From his character story 2

Alhaitham, who had no interest in boasting about how he remained unscathed, answered Nilou's question with another: "As far as I know, Cyno and Dehya are also curious about this, yet you are the only one who has raised this question. Were they just too shy to ask me themselves?"

Alongside this character story, after completing his character quest The Illusions of the Mob, his about Cyno voiceline is also unlocked:

This voiceline is rather unfortunate in that it.. doesn't really say anything. There's no additional context or tidbits about the Hivemind case, we already knew it wasn't his fault and that the matra intervened at the end just by playing the quest. It doesn't say anything about his relationship with Cyno either, nor about Cyno or Alhaitham themselves as characters.

Usually, those are the purposes of the "about character" voicelines: provide additional or missing context from a quest, insight about the character mentioned from the perspective of the speaker, or about the character itself in contraposition to the mentioned character. For example, Raiden's "Who?" about Itto serves as comic relief that shows he doesn't have a presence in the nation despite what he himself believes, since the Shogun puppet doesn't even know him; or Childe's (now erased) about Scaramouche, where he doesn't share any personal opinion about him (despite doing so for all other Harbingers), but explains he ran away with the gnosis, which is information that was originally revealed during a time limited event (Labyrinth Warriors) and players who didn't participate in it wouldn't know otherwise.

So voicelines about a character usually have a purpose, and if there's nothing of note to add, then a voiceline isn't mandatory. For insantance, Cyno doesn't have an about Dehya (we've been robbed). Therefore, if Alhaitham didn't have anything relevant to say about Cyno, it wasn't necessary to have a voiceline about him. And if it is only meant to be random dialogue without value, just to establish the two as acquaintances (even though the player should already be aware by virtue of them spending half the archon quest together), then why go through the trouble of locking it behind Alhaitham's character quest?

The only new information in this voiceline is that Cyno didn't bring up the case in the aftermath, so this is what I'm focusing on.

Alhaitham seems surprised that Cyno hasn't even complained about the workload, and he rationalizes that it must be obvious he's not to blame for the case. Cyno is an intelligent man, after all, he must realize that.

In retrospect, it's funny that Alhaitham is concerned about that. As the Acting Grand Sage, he made sure to consolidate the authority of the Matra as an independent entity from the Akademiya, and even chastises the matra working on the case for caring about his opinion when they should be telling him to stay out of the way (like Cyno would). Not only that, but he also made sure to leave a letter for Cyno detailing everything he knew and predicted about the case, he did need the matra to show up at the end to perform the arrests, but he could have just left a note asking for the collaboration of the matra left in charge, no details required, yet he chose to let Cyno know everything that was going to happen. And then not only that, but he also left a breadcrumb for Cyno to follow (knowing he'd figure out what the mark was for) throughout the quest.

This is a man that, despite being used to acting shady, does not want Cyno to suspect him. And Cyno doesn't, he follows the unwritten instructions in the letter without question and doesn't ever confront or ask Alhaitham for explanations afterwards.

After all, Cyno has already revealed he trusts Alhaitham's judgement and actions all the way back in act IV. It's just Alhaitham didn't know that yet, he went through the trouble of making his intentions transparent to him from the start, and then still wonders why Cyno didn't approach him to homoerotically fight him at any point or just question his involvement in the aftermath.

Cyno doesn't seem willing to put himself in a position where Alhaitham has the upperhand, so he might have never told him how he felt. In Alhaitham's teaser video, he acts very defensive when Kaveh suggests Alhaitham is stronger than him, there's a certain pride that comes into play when Alhaitham is involved, yet seeing how he stops playing TCG just to talk about his hidden strength, he also seems very intrigued by him. We see him later say his iconic "you keep your cards close to your chest" line, which Alhaitham quickly shuts down with a nonchalant "not at all". Seems a bit hard to open up to him with honesty about this trust Cyno has placed in him if he's being annoying like that lol.

It's either Alhaitham has yet to connect the dots, or his quest and voiceline about Cyno are where he figures out that Cyno holds him in high regard and trusts him.

But either way, they seem to be getting along beneath the surface.

[misc-obeyme]

THE THREADS THAT BIND

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

MASTERPOST for summary/info/chapter list

a/n: This is it, the last chapter. :') There will be a spicy epilogue posted sometime next week, but this is the end of the story right here. I had so much fun writing this story. I'm already thinking about writing another multi chapter fic, probably one about Arsenios. Might also be writing a song for him... but you didn't read that here. Anyway, I love Barbatos with my entire being and I'm sure I'll be writing about him again soon lol! I'm always happy to hear any ideas for future stories or to answer any questions about this one! Thank you to everyone who has been reading the chapters and leaving such amazing feedback. I love you all!

GN!MC x Barbatos | word count 1,187

Warnings: none, this is a fluff chapter lol

When you awoke the next day, you found yourself back in the guest room bed. You tried not to think about how it was likely Barbatos himself who had moved you. The thread was gone, just as he had said it would be.

Breakfast was a somber affair. Diavolo was trying to act cheerful, but he could tell that his little ploy with the potion had only made things worse. You hadn't been able to cover up the puffiness of your face and you knew you weren't succeeding at masking your general mood of sadness.

Once again, Barbatos was absent.

"Will you return to the House of Lamentation right after breakfast?" Diavolo asked as the Little Ds cleared your plates away.

You frowned. You weren't quite ready to put yourself back into the boisterous antics of the seven brothers. "I… think I'd like to sit in the garden here for a little bit first, if that's okay?"

"Of course," Diavolo said.

And that was where you found yourself shortly after. You were sitting in the gazebo of the garden, watching the falling stars and thinking about the thread that the potion had revealed.

You weren't entirely sure what you were going to do now. Your truth had been revealed for you, but you were sure that Barbatos had already known how you felt.

Even so, you remembered what Arsenios had said to you at RAD. That Barbatos should be able to make the choice himself. And you still hadn't given him that, had you?

As though he could read your thoughts, Barbatos came into the gazebo and sat beside you.

"MC, I must request that you allow me to speak with you," he said.

You laughed sadly and quietly. "You don't have to ask. I know I owe it to you to listen, especially after everything I said."

You couldn't look over at him, but you saw his body in your periphery. It surprised you to see that he was in demon form. As though he needed that extra strength to speak with you.

"This is the potion that the Young Master put into your drink," Barbatos said, holding up a bottle for you to see. It was a bright yellow potion, swirling and sparkling in the clear bottle. "The way it reveals itself is always different, but I must say I was not surprised it took the form of a thread in this instance."

Barbatos rose to stand before you. He took the lid off the bottle and drank down the potion.

You gasped, standing up yourself, reaching your hands out, but not quite touching him. "Barbatos, what are you doing?"

Barbatos smiled at you. "You needn't be so concerned, MC. As I told you before, this potion is harmless. But it will always reveal the truth, as it did for you."

As he said this, the thread that had connected the two of you the night before reappeared. It looked exactly the same as it had then - glowing with a teal light, a single string that began in your chest and ended in his.

"I was afraid that if I simply told you the truth, that you might not believe me," Barbatos said. "Now you can see it with your own eyes as well. What you must understand is that although I have seen things from the future, I cannot and I will not live my life based on them. I don't know if that person you saw was you or not, but it doesn't matter either way. I will not allow that person's potential existence to interfere with how I act here and now. Not when my love for you is so strong."

Your heart was racing. The look of determination on his face, the slight hint of uncertainty, the fullness of his hope, it was all there for you to see. He wasn't holding back any of his feelings. He was being fully transparent.

"What if… what if they do show up…?" you asked, your words hesitant.

"Not every future vision I have is meant to be," Barbatos said. "I will not suppress my love for you in order to be free for someone I likely have not even met."

Your eyes followed the thread from your heart to where it ended in his. You reached out your fingers to touch it, even though you knew they would simply pass through it. You looked up at Barbatos's face, still hopeful, still waiting.

You let your hand reach through the thread toward him.

He responded by taking your hand and pulling you into him, wrapping his other arm around your waist. You felt his tail curl around your leg.

"MC," he said, his lips inches from yours.

You didn't wait for whatever he may have said next, you simply kissed him, letting your arms wrap around him, clinging to the fabric of his shirt, your lips desperate as you pressed yourself into him.

Barbatos kissed you back fervently, his hand cradling the back of your head as the kiss deepened.

Eventually you had to pull away for air and as you gasped lightly, you looked again into Barbatos's eyes. The teal of the thread that still stretched between you was reflected in them, reminding you of the teal time streams that you had stumbled through during so many nights.

Barbatos reached up between you, his arm passing through the thread like it wasn't there. He held your chin with his fingers, keeping your gaze on him.

"MC," he said. "I have been alive for a long time and I have experienced many things. And yet I have never loved anyone in the same way that I love you."

A pleasant warmth and comfort spread through your limbs, radiating out from the spot in your chest where the thread was still holding on. Here was this demon, a master of time, a being of mystery, telling you that he had never known a love like yours.

You smiled softly. "All I want is to love you for the rest of my short human life."

Barbatos chuckled. "I would be very happy if you would stay by my side."

You didn't say anything else to this, just kissed him again.

Due to the amount of potion Barbatos had consumed, the thread that bound you took all weekend to fade. You were happy to stay at the castle for that duration, even though it wasn't required. Those first days with Barbatos would remain some of your favorite memories.

You found yourself settling into a new pattern. Living at the House of Lamentation, attending RAD, but spending a significant amount of nights at the castle. The brothers found this arrangement annoying, but they could also see how happy you were, so they didn't comment on it.

Every time you awoke in the night, you found yourself checking for magical threads. They were never there, but you didn't really need them to be anymore. Even if you never saw one again, you could feel the way your heart was forever tied to the heart of the demon you loved.

masterpost | chapter one

chapter twelve | epilogue

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

[yanderes-galore]

Can you do a concept for yandere Sigma from Overwatch?

He's so underrated... I love him....

Be warned none that I talk about a very real mental health issue in this due to Sigma's lore. (DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, for Sigma it is caused by the Blackhole splitting his mind and the trauma Talon caused, I speak of this to keep his character close to canon as the wiki mentions it as a possibility. Not all cases are the same.)

Yandere Sigma Alphabet

Yandere! Sigma/Siebren de Kuiper Concept

Pairing: Romantic/Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, DID due to trauma, Delusional behavior, Manipulation, Mental health issues, Oblivious yandere, Violence/Murder/Death, Kidnapping mention, Stalking, Overprotective/Possessive behavior, Dubious companionship.

Sigma is a broken man but can be sweet despite the personalities he swaps around due to his blackhole accident.

He treats the affection he has for you as another curiosity he must explore, it's all like an experiment!

Regardless on if he's platonic or romantic with you he treats his feelings as something to be studied.

He wouldn't hurt you as two of his personalities are harmless, the more violent persona is typically triggered if he feels you could be in danger.

Blame Talon for that one.

At times Sigma is oblivious to the fact his affection for you is wrong.

Another continues to treat his adoration and the compatibility between you as another experiment to soothe his broken mind.

So for the most part he's harmless, if not oblivious to the crimes he's committed not only for you but for Talon.

Sigma often shows his affection by rambling to you.

Most of the time it's hypothetical nonsense questions that you answer to humor him with.

Sigma often acts as a kind friend and old scientist who seems harmless.

However, in the past he has been wired to be a weapon.

He is a man who has killed before and could do it again.

Despite this... he holds you with such care and laughs when he speaks to you.

You manage to make the melody in his head silence itself to a buzz for just a little while.

He looks to you for comfort.

Sombra, a close friend of his, even appreciates how you soothe her tormented friend's mind.

The most he may hurt you is holding you in place with hia powers.

Even then when you remain calm he'll snap out of it and act confused.

As I've said before he never recalls the criminal things he does.

Doesn't make it right though.

Sigma shows possessive behavior at times as he's never far from you.

He even asks Sombra to watch you to keep you safe.

He's gone through a lot himself and would be devastated if someone did the same to you.

Sombra grows concerned about Sigma's behavior over time, but still keeps an eye on you.

She doesn't entirely enable him but also doesn't discourage him in his obsession.

She knows you help him remain sane enough to function.

Sombra will prevent harm from coming to you... as long as you help Sigma.

If Sigma lost you, he may never be the same.

He's an unstable man already, an obsession may make things worse.

He just gets so curious about you which is why he enjoys all of your chats.

He acts like nothing's wrong.

Even after all the murder... and your kidnapping.

As a result his obsession makes you have mixed feelings.

Sigma clearly needs help... but people only ever want to use and abuse his mind.

Be it for information or... well... a weapon.

Really, you and Sombra are the only people he can turn to.

Maybe that's why he clings to you so closely.

[miracles-and-butterflies]

For @ellipsis-dotdotdot, based on the prompt: “one of the Pedro Lives!Isabelas running away, if you please?”

I went with Fracture AU.

Isabela plans to run away. Thoughts of identity, change and freedom.

(As she’s kicked out anyways in Imperfect, her disappearance wouldn’t be noticed; and Luminous Isabela would be very open about it and that takes away the drama).

Comments are always appreciated.

~~~~~~

Perfect Practiced Poses

While flittering around Antonio’s party, one question pops into her mind.

She had passed a group of kids talking, describing each of the gifted Madrigals - their traits and abilities - only for Isabela to wonder the same thing.

Of course, living in the family and outside of it warrant very different viewpoints from herself and the kids. And then there’s the age and education differences too. But one thing remains the same:

Who is Isabela Madrigal?

She was never herself for more than two minutes.

She was everyone else on a daily basis. It was brief, it was harmless, it was helpful, it was fun. And she didn’t mind that.

She was the echo of her late Abuela. As far as appearance was considered. She was the only resemblance of her left - Isabela had destroyed the one portrait years ago.

Despite their strained relationship, Abuelo often had her painted or photographed. Just so he had something to remember his beloved Alma by.

At the same time, he had her shapeshifting as much as possible. Not only while working, but even just at home. Just so he didn’t have to have a reminder of what he’d lost. Just so he didn’t have to see her face of anger and hatred.

And she did mind that.

Not at first. No, she could understand. If she lost a loved one, it would be hard for her too. And she was a child, who didn’t look to much like her at that point.

But as she got older and her sympathy for such a terrible person wore incredibly thin, she really started to mind.

Why are the Madrigals always going to church with Señora Alonso?

How lucky for Señorita Martinez to be invited to dinner at La Casa Madrigal!

It is so considerate of Isabela to change her appearance for her poor Abuelo!

The whisperings of the townspeople didn’t help either. She knows they mean well. To an outsider, it must be strange or compassionate (that Pedro does not deserve).

She is so sick of it.

She’d do anything to put an end to it.

~~~~~~

It was a day like any other.

“Okay, everyone to the table. Now.” Abuelo called as he stepped outside. The family fell into line as usual. Or most of them, anyways. “I said now, Luisa.”

“Ah well, I was just—”

“Now means now.”

Luisa stopped talking and took her seat with the others.

“You aren’t still making stuff up about the cracks?” Camilo whispered, leaning up to his cousin. “Like it was a good joke and seeing Abuelo yell at Mirabel was utterly hilarious - highlight of the evening if you ask me - but it’s kinda dry now.”

“Will you two shut up? I can’t hear.” Isabela, who was unfortunately sat on Camilo’s other side, grumbled.

“I wasn’t even talking!”

“LUISA!”

Her sister slowly turned around, eye-twitching under the confused and irritated gazes of the rest of the family from her outburst.

Abuelo sighed with disappointment. “Luisa, if you are struggling to act properly at the table, perhaps it is best you sit closer to the front, where I can keep an eye on you. Casita?”

Before Luisa could make an argument, Casita shifted her chair. The seating plan rearranging itself to leave her directly beside the patriarch.

“As I was saying,” he said. “Antonio’s gift could not have come at a more perfect time. But we should not take our miracle for granted, so today we will work twice as hard.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” offered an enthusiastic Luisa. “Isabela would benefit greatly from my—”

“In case it wasn’t clear for some of us, the non-gifted family members will be staying at home to complete their usual chores.”

With a hard glare, Luisa changed her focus onto drinking her coffee.

Pedro took a breath, standing up. “In other news, how goes our arrangement with the Guzmáns?”

Isabela opens her mouth, but doesn’t get the chance to answer herself.

“Dolores?” He inquired.

The woman paused. Her irises briefly flashed red. “I foresee that he is going to propose tonight, with a song on the piano that he has composed himself. And I see five cribs.”

Isabela felt her soul leave her body.

“Five new blessings? At least we’ll get some use out of Isabela. Thank you, Dolores. That will be all. There will be lots to prepare for tonight - Isabela, you’ve dropped your form. Control yourself. …Back to the point, Antonio, this is a wonderful opportunity to make the most out of your new gift. You can help your father with the decorations.”

“Okay, Abuelo!” Antonio beamed, orange flowers blossoming in hair in excitement.

“Our community is counting on us. ¡La familia Madrigal!”

“¡La familia Madrigal!”

Isabela doesn’t blame Mariano.

Not at all.

She blames her family.

She gets made to hold some random townsperson’s form at every meal - she isn’t allowed to be herself - and nobody has defended her or pointed out this unreasonable request of Abuelo’s.

She is getting made to marry and produce more little miracles because she isn’t useful at anything else, and nobody has thought to ask how she feels about it all.

Hell, Pedro has her valued like a donkey at market and nobody is even batting an eye!

The bitter irony is not lost on Isabela.

Her parents are always praised, both inside the family and out, by what great parents they are.

The greatest parents of all of Encanto… One daughter who is only useful as a wife and mother or when she’s anyone but herself. One daughter who has absolutely no worth at all. One daughter who barely associates herself as part of the family now.

This house is a fucking nightmare.

No wonder Bruno left.

~~~~~~

January 1940

“What do you think would happen if we left?”

The question takes her sister by shock.

The eight-year-old arched a brow. “You mean like… running away? Like Tío Bruno did?”

“Luisa, you aren’t suppose to say that!” Mirabel gasped in horror, replicating the shushing motion the adults often did by pressing a finger to Luisa’s lips.

“Yeah,” Isabela nodded. She looked up at the mountains. “When I’m suppose to be listening to the teacher, I think about it. What I’d take. How I’d do it. Where I’d go. …Don’t you ever think of just packing a bag and running away?”

“No! You can’t do that! You’d be in so much trouble!” Mirabel was completely appalled. Age four and her moral compass was already developed.

“You’d die, sis.” Chimes Luisa. “Nobody knows what’s out there - except bad people. That’s how Abuela died.”

“Not even just running away… what if we were just a normal family? Without gifts?”

Luisa shifted away.

“You’re asking the wrong people, Bela. I am normal and Mirabel doesn’t have a gift yet.”

The ten-year-old looked guilty. “Right. My bad. I forgot.”

“You forgot?” Luisa questions, hurt.

Nobody said anything.

“Say sorry, Isa,” Mirabel offers, helpfully, from where she’s sat in Luisa’s lap. “Sorry makes everything better. That’s what Mama says.”

“…Luisa, I’m—”

“No. I don’t wanna hear it.” Luisa grumbled.

Luisa stands up then, setting Mirabel aside.

“Where are you going?” Isabela asks, after a beat.

“Inside,” she huffs. “I got homework to do.” Isabela has a feeling that Luisa might be lying; just wants an excuse to leave.

Mirabel squeaked, “Can I come too? Can I help, Luisa?”

Luisa nods, holding out an open hand for Mirabel to take. They start walking.

Isabela pulls herself to her feet and runs after them. “I could help,” she suggests, as a way of an apology. And she’d like to think she is going to be more help than a kid who hasn’t yet started school. “I mean, I probably did it a few years ago, when I was your age.”

Her sister just growls at her. “Don’t you have magic stuff to be doing, princesa?”

With that, they were gone and Isabela was left alone.

She really doesn’t belong anywhere, does she?

~~~~~~

Screw it, Isabela thinks.

There’s nothing for her here.

And if Bruno managed to leave, why couldn’t she do the same?

She packs a bag - money, some clothes, some food and drinks. She won’t need much else.

She shifts into some random townsperson before leaving her (soundproof) room for the last time. The rest of the family are busy working, as usual.

And starts walking. She doesn’t know where she’s going, but anything would be better than here.

She barely makes it through one street before a man is already coming to greet her.

“Ah, Isabela! I was wondering if you could help me with my door again?” He asked. “It appears to have gotten stuck and I could use another me to help balance it.”

“I’m not Isabela.” She replied, waving him off.

“Uh… yes, you are?”

Isabela turned on her heel, ready to argue that she definitely was Señora Alonzo, but only caught that flash of indigo fabric and black hair as she did.

“What the fuck?” She questioned, looking down at her own hands.

She hadn’t changed back into her own form.

She headed up to the nearby bride, dropping her bag to the side for a moment. She leaned over and looking at her own rippled reflection in the water.

“What the fuck!?” She said again, louder this time.

She kept repeating the phrase as she tried concentrating on shifting but her reflection didn’t change once. It stayed perfectly the same.

She couldn’t even get rid of her mole.

Her outburst had clearly spooked off the man who had asked for her help, as she found herself alone. Carefully examining and prodding each part of her features, only for nothing to change.

Or she thought she was alone.

“Hey, Isabela! Am I glad I found you! I was just wondering if you maybe knew something about the magic last night?”

[saccharinemeat]

hi! VERY strong anti here. trying to be civil. just genuinely asking, why do you like proships. genuinely. why. what makes them so good to you? to me, they, well, make me feel nauseous and gross. sometimes even violated depending on what it is. what about these, honestly, gross ships is so good to you? what makes you think they're good? i'm not looking for an argument. just,, answers.

Alright, I'll answer in good faith here, because i really appreciate not picking a fight or an argument

First off, please, don't say , "you like proships" proship doesn't mean "problematic ships", it means "pro" (as in favor of) shipping, that is to say, it's an anti harassment stance on letting people do whatever they want, based off the old fandom saying "ship and let ship"

you dont need to like problematic ships to be proship, you just need to be against harassment of people who enjoy darker or more 'edgy' media, and that's it

As for you question in itself, it's complicated, some problematic ships i enjoy stem from my own trauma and family issues, particularly my abusive mother. Reading and making content with parental incest gives me comfort through the fact that its an inconditional , codependent love. In fiction it feels comforting, but i know reality is way different first hand.

For age gap ships, theres a whole aspect about having someone take care of you, and also again, love regardless of situation, plus there is self insertion as it makes me think of back when i was a teen and had crushes on older people. I couldn't act on them, and I knew that any adult willing to date a child is no good. But within fiction,you can write about it and it would be harmless, generally speaking

For dead dove or more problematic stuff,such as abusive relationships, theres again the desire for love no matter what, and the situations those develop in, are usually trauma bonding for the involved characters

Now, these are not the ONLY reasons i enjoy such ships. There's also the aspect that i just like some of them aesthetically, or i see their chemistry in a romantic light, Or i have a streak of sadism towards a certain character.

Another reason is the potential for interesting fan content, particularly fanfiction, wholesome ships are sweet and cute and can be hot even, but it's all very by the book. The exploration of their emotions, thoughts and actions in messed up situations is more interesting to me

For sibling incest particularly, i just feel that they're usually developed in such a way that it can easily be seen as romantic, since we spend so much time with them, and seeing them fight and bond and laugh and promise to be together, that it just clicks different

and, It's understandable that you feel nauseated and grossed out by a lot of these, in fact, there are problematic ships and tropes i hate and despise, despite the fact that i love other messed up content for example

- I hate bully/victim ships

- I hate uncle/niece ships

- I hate cheating stories

- I hate forced feminization

- I dislike enemies to lovers

- I dislike anything involving characters I consider too young

- I dislike vomit and sick fic

a lot of people love these! but i dont! some of them make my skin crawl! but i dont go and yell at them, i dont comment on their things, I just block them and move on, and focus on the stuff i DO like ,which is what i generally suggest

Fictional exploration of darker stories is okay, and generally harmless. I know the argument that it can be used to groom people, but truly, that's not the fault of the content or its creator, the blame is fully on the groomer.

Also, if we started banning or bashing things that can be used to groom others, we'd have to ban stuff like plushies, candy, adult collectionists of cartoon merch, comics, books,etc etc

ANYTHING can be used to groom a person, if there's a groomer targeting them. nothing is safe if there's an actual pro contact pedophile with the intention to groom a child. The only way to prevent these things is to be taught about them, and to learn to not take life advice from fanfiction, which should be a given.

Like seriously, think about it. let's see, a safe hobby, non fandom related....

okay, imagine theres a minor who's very interested in learning about history and historical maps of the world.

This kid joins an unsupervised group online, and talks about wanting to make friends, and does make some nice, age appropriate friends

They feel generally safe online

Then,a groomer targets them, befriends them and brings up the fact that they collect maps, and they love history just like the kid.

then moves into talking about 'old customs' and starts planting the idea that old societies were in the right about child marriage and so on, until they actually gets what they want, and commits a crime.

The groomer didn't need a fanfic to convince the kid

they just needed to manipulate the child into trusting them, using whatever the kid liked.

who do you think it's at fault here?

the kid? the history book? the group? the internet? Nope.

It's the groomer's fault for targeting the child

and it's the parent's fault for not teaching online safety to their kid.

[weather-cluddy]

(Replied as a new post to avoid the character limit)

It doesn't bother me at all! This sort of question is something I've been turning over for quite a while, actually. I tried to make a post pointing out comparisons between non-paired prisoners, because I feel like people focus too much on number pairs without considering other thematic parallels, even with Milgram pointing some out (Eg: Shidou-Amane, Fuuta-Kotoko, Haruka-Muu, Yuno-Kazui). It stalled around Muu though, because it turns out that's a whole lot of entries, and also I wasn't sure that people would be interested in a post that's dozen of paragraphs long (though still much less elaborate than this post, of course).

Personally, I think Mikoto and Haruka have a lot in common and share many themes, but I hardly ever see it brought up. Some of it, I think, is the fact that Haruka's trauma gets a lot of focus while Mikoto's mostly implied, so there's a lot of people who don't look beneath the surface. So they just get slotted in the boxes of "sympathetic" and "unsympathetic", meaning fans miss the similarities even when it's them doing literally the same thing (Like trying to kill Es to protect their self-worth).

But at the end of the day, we have two people extremely afraid yet dependent on other people's opinions of them, whose every interaction is shadowed by the after-effects of their early-childhood trauma in a way that seems "cute" or harmless at first but really isn't, who committed premeditated murder because they saw it as the only way to make their lives bearable, who have artistic inclinations but can't find the self-confidence to pursue them, who are dealing with mental illnesses they have no (healthy) frame of reference for, who are okay with being used and abused (even physically!) so long as people approve of them...

Well, I don't want to drop the entire essay on the intro part. Onto the first section!

(I didn't particularly mean to organize it like that, but the two sections basically came out as Bokukoto- and Orekoto-centered, respectively. Funny how it worked out.)

Children and adults.

What are Haruka's goals? To be loved and cared for, even if it means taking on a subordinate role. To have his weakness acknowledged yet not be shamed for it, to be have his strengths bring joy to those he loves yet not have people ask more of him than he can give.

What are Mikoto's goals? To be a good, responsible, capable person and have people acknowledge him as such. To have his efforts rewarded, even if it means overexerting himself. To find conventional success and prove to those he loves (his mom, in particular) that they needn't worry for him.

In other words, Haruka wants to be a kid, Mikoto wants to be an adult. Haruka wants to be protected, Mikoto wants to be admired.

Why this difference? Well, I see two possiblities. One, Haruka has a golden past to retreat to, a time when he felt loved and safe. Mikoto might not have had that, or he might not remember it: after all, DID forms from trauma very early in childhood, as early as 5 years old and generally no later than 10. And of course dissociation itself tends to make remembering difficult, even before actual alters get involved.

So, Mikoto most likely doesn't remember any 'good old days' he could yearn for, either because he was extremely young or because they never existed. His only option, then, is to place his hopes on the future.

The second thing is that, in spite of Mikoto most likely having earlier trauma, Haruka is far more obvious in his dysfunction. Pretty much every person he meets will at least walk away with the feeling he's kind of weird, if not worse. This only manages to reinforce his feelings that he's inferior to everyone else, and that that's an inescapable part of his being.

Meanwhile, Mikoto can trudge through life well enough to believe that achieving what he wants is within his reach, even to be expected. Surely if he works both hard and smart, he can accomplish his goals without problem. He can get a good career if he just focuses on what he's good at, choosing 'efficiency' over his interests. And he can get everyone to like him, if he just remembers to always, always be nice to them, no matter how much he'd rather not. Then he'll reap the reward of succeeding at life!

That's just how things work, right? You put in the effort to treat others well, and your reward for doing so is to have other people do the same for you. That's the basis of society! And that's also how Mikoto makes himself feel safe. If his own actions determine other people's actions, then he can stop bad things from happening to him by just not doing anything that would invite punishment. Everyone knows monsters only eat the misbehaving kids!  Just follow the rules and everything will be fine.

(That's another big difference between Mikoto and Haruka: Haruka knows he can't do what's expected of him, so by the start of Milgram he's pretty much given up on the idea of ever being accepted or sucessful. Mikoto does believe he can cut it, but that brings its own kind of helplessness: he can never stop striving with all his might, because if he ever does fall short his self-esteem will crumble to pieces.)

The trouble is, sometimes even when you do follow the rules, other people just... refuse to reciprocate. Why is that? Did you do something wrong? Well, you can't exactly go up to them and ask. Now that would certainly be a faux pas! Clearly the only choice is to figure it out yourself by ruminating on it. All night long. Hey, remember when Mikoto said that he wouldn't be able to sleep if Kotoko didn't wish him a happy birthday? Sure sounds like somebody who worries a normal amount about gestures that might possibly be snubs.

But another convo I'd like to bring up is one with Fuuta, where Mikoto shows up unprovoked to tell Fuuta that being upset about being kidnapped is dumb and childish and will get him nowhere in life, and anyways he's just doing it for attention.

This seems a bit OOC, doesn't it? Mikoto basically never criticizes anybody. When Yuno basically calls him fake to his face, he just laughs and calls her a straight shooter. When Haruka said that he's been avoiding Mikoto because he's scary, he just shrugs and goes, that's fair, I'd have done the same. Hell, even knowing that Kotoko tried to beat him half to death, he still goes to congratulate her on her birthday. So what did Fuuta say that was so much worse than all of those?

The problem, really, isn't what Fuuta said or did to Mikoto, but how Fuuta behaves with everyone. Mikoto can put up with being openly disliked; see his interactions with Kotoko. But seeing somebody so brazenly ignore the rules he's based his life around, now that affects him a way that goes beyond Mikoto as a person.

If you asked Mikoto, he'd probably say that it's because he's sad to see somebody younger than him waste his potential with such stupid, meaningless stubborness. But really, it comes back to the fact that "nothing bad will happen as long as you behave" is one of pillar's of Mikoto's life. So how is he supposed to handle seeing somebody misbehave constantly, repeteadly, and still do just as well as him? What's that supposed to mean? Do things not actually work that way? Was he just being taken advantage of? That can't be. If being nice doesn't ensure that you'll get treated well, what does? He endured so much pain because it was supposed to pay off someday. Were all his efforts so far just make-believe, a kid hiding under the blankets thinking it'll do anything?

No, no, no. It's the others who are wrong. All his suffering until now was meaningful and helpful. He knows what he must do and he's not going to stray from the right path. Those who do are just bringing punishment down onto themselves. And while he's not capable of consciously acknowledging his anger, he can always try to share some "friendly advice" about what happens to those who fight against forces greater than themselves. You can't win those battles. He never won, so of course you can't win them. Stop struggling, it's for your own good.

(Amane-Mikoto parallels? In my Haruka-Mikoto parallels post? It's more likely than you think!)

Saviors and weaklings

You might be thinking that the title says it all, really. Haruka is a weakling, Orekoto is a savior, those are opposites, the end.

Well, yes, but it's not quite that simple.

Haruka in the second trial has also taken on a protector role towards Muu. This is a fairly uncontroversial reading, so let's go take a closer look at their similarities:

-Both Haruka and Orekoto put emphasis on Es not scaring/stressing their charge any further.

-In both cases, what they're looking for is acknowledgement from the one they're protecting and a sense of being useful ("Rely on me, praise me with your song, I am your savior")

-Haruka says that Muu is the reason why he can be who he is now. The same could be said for Bokukoto and Orekoto: without the latter, the former would not be able to remain his current self.

-At the same time, the 'saviors' need their charges, just as if not more than the other way around. Haruka's life has revolved around the concept of mothers since basically forever, and we literally don't know a single thing about Orekoto outside of his role. Honestly, considering he only seems to come out during stressful situations, it's possible even he doesn't know who he is outside of being Mikoto's savior.

Even the structures of Metamorphosis of the Weak and John Doe are similar. Consider:

-The interrogation starts with the prisoner being fairly unthreatening. Mikoto is rather nervous at the start, but as soon as Es starts pretending to entertain the idea that he really hasn't committed any murders, he calms down significantly. -The prisoners feel safe thanks to Es' temporary affirmation, but this is soon swept away by Es themselves. Even as the prisoners become more and more obviously distressed, Es presses on dispassionately.

-Eventually, they become totally overwhelmed by emotion and attempt to kill Es. Haruka is stopped by Milgram's rules, Orekoto isn't.

-At this point, a different prisoner makes their appearance, whether physically or just in conversation, and the rest of the drama revolves around them. In John Doe it's of course Kotoko fighting off Mikoto, after which he's literally unconscious for the rest of the VD (except for one line), and instead the remaining time is dedicated to Kotoko and her deal.

For Metamorphosis, it's when Haruka proclaims that Muu is his real mom and starts talking about their relationship. In both cases, there's a clear shift in focus from the OG character themselves to how their actions would affect Milgram overall (Kotoko offering to stop Mikoto if he attacks again, Haruka threatening suicide).

Well, we can probably agree that Haruka is a savior of a sort. But can we close the circle and bring the comparison back around? Is Orekoto also a weakling of a sort?

To answer this, we'll need to define weakness. For this, I'll actually refer not to Haruka's voice drama's, but to Muu's. Namely, this part in Queen B:

"Es: (…) One-sided violence and mistreatment… I’m sure it was difficult to handle. It’s not unreasonable to come to the conclusion that murder is the only way for a weak person to get out of that. That’s exactly why I forgave you." Muu: Yeah… If I hadn’t done that, I could have died some day."

We hear Haruka argue something similar after Es tears him down, asking "So what should I have done!? Was I supposed to give up on myself too!?" So we could say that a weak person is somebody who's trapped by their circumstances, somebody with the deck stacked so far against them that they have no choice but to take extreme measures.

I think that's pretty much how Orekoto views his own situation. Looking at his parts of MeMe, most of the what-if sentences basically come down to "I don't want to do this, but I can't not do it either". We also have lyrics like "It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong" and "Is this selfish?", showing that Orekoto is also full of self-doubt about this being the right thing, but doesn't see any other choice. After all, "Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn’t change anything, does it? Ahhh, It’s the same anywhere I go".

Like Haruka, nothing he tries seems to work and he's desperately trying to survive in any way he can. Whether this "death" is on a purely emotional level or if, like Muu, it's hinting at suicide ("Maybe it’s ok to try to keep on living"), he needs to get away. It doesn't matter anymore if it's "good", so long as it works.

Of course, I'm sure Orekoto wouldn't take well to the idea that he's weak. His breakdown in John Doe was, of course, because of Es pushing Bokukoto, but his rant was almost entirely focused on how weak and pathetic Es was. It seems that in that he resembles Fuuta (who was, after all, the first prisoner to try violence): when he's scared, he tries to intimidate the threat to feel safer.

(Of course, there's something to be said for Haruka also despising his own weakness, even if his reaction to it is to worship others for being different rather than project this hatred onto them.)

(And while we're in the topic of Fuuta, it's worth noting that he's also part of the overall protector theme spanning several characters. He even relates to Haruka and Mikoto directly, in that those two are the ones he picked as "weak" people he needed to look out for)

Muu and Haruka, even before the second trial, they were both weaklings and saviors of the weak (themselves). But this doesn't apply to Mikoto, because the roles are split between the alters. There's a clear separation between the 'good', pitiable, socially acceptable Bokukoto and the 'bad' and violent Orekoto. And you know where else we see something like this? Haruka's MVs.

This is most obvious in Weakness, where the separation is at its starkest, to the point where many people didn't think Haruka's younger self was him at all. Basically, every bad thing in the video is attributed to older Haruka. Li'l Haruka plays happily with his maybe-sister, older Haruka attacks her. Li'l Haruka pets his dog while his mom smiles by his side, until older Haruka bashes its skull in. And of course, in the end older Haruka is so consumed by hatred that he chokes his terrified younger self to death. Not the first time he attacks him(self) either; back at almost the start, older Haruka shoves him into a crayon puddle, with the camera making sure to show kid Haruka's terrified expression and Haruka's cold glare.

(I want to point out the dog scene in particular. Specifically, how the younger Haruka is horrified to find blood on his hands even though he never actually laid hands on the dog. This is quite reminiscent of the scene in MeMe where Mikoto becomes afraid of his reflection's evil expression and falls backwards, only to have the devil card fall on him and corrupt all the water into blood. But an interesting difference is how, while Mikoto not remembering is just a literal retelling of events, the same shouldn't apply to Haruka. And if the girl is the same age in AKAA and in Weakness, suggested by the fact she's dressed the same in both, then she couldn't have been playing with same-age Haruka either.)

In AKAA this divide into a good, young Haruka and a bad, older Haruka is less stark, presumably because after a forgiven verdict Haruka feels less disconnected from his past as a 'good kid'. It's not gone, however. We do see his younger self kill fish and a butterfly, but the harder-hitting murders of the dog (and possibly the girl, it's hard to tell) are left to his 17-years-old self. Not to mention the sequence when his mother opens the door, which is probably the part where Haruka is framed in the most threatening way across the entire MV. That too shows us only the current Haruka, notable because just seconds before it kept switching between the two of them.

At the same time, there's also a disconnect in Weakness between current Haruka and his murders. When we see him killing somebody he actually killed in real life (that is, the girl and the dog), it's followed shortly by him waking up in his bed, framing it all as just a dream. This is very similar to how in MeMe the second scene shows Orekoto killing somebody, with the third starting with Bokukoto gently waking up, completely unaware. There's of course also the line "I’m probably just having a bad dream, I need to wake up soon", which only drives it further home.

Well, I think that wraps up my points. To TL;DR it, some themes to consider are: fixated on past/fixated on future, giving up/trying too hard, dependence on others, wanting to feel useful, black and white thinking re: oneself and viewpoints warped by childhood trauma.

For a bit of extra fun, I'd like to note some shared visual motifs between MeMe, Weakness and All-Knowing and All Agony. There won't be much meaning analysis from me here, so feel free to supply your own.

Music Videos

(Some of the screenshots repeat, that's intentional)

Surrounded by eyes: Most obvious in Weakness, but the Hanged Man in Mikoto's shirt (and less obviously, the Magician) also show something similar.

Water turning into blood: This one is somewhat dificult to show in still screenshots, but it's present in both MeMe, Weakness (when one of Haruka's teardrops fall onto the water) and arguably AKAA as well.

Red skies with a moon visible: Interestingly, this one seems to be associated with younger Haruka in Weakness (most obvious at the very start, when he and older Haruka switch rapidly, with the scene outside the window also changing). There's one very obvious moon in a red sky near the end of MeMe, but there might be another one shown in the Fool card. Lots of Mikoto's cards show circles in the upper corner of the cards (but interestingly in the Hanged Man it's at the bottom, near their head, like an halo). Whether we can consider them all moons is up to speculation, but few of them match the color scheme anyways. Speaking of which, while Weakness almost always uses grey/blue moons with red skies, there are two exceptions: when Haruka is shown killing the dog (blue sky, red moon) and in a piece of official art that shows a red moon on a red sky.

Confusion between indoors and outdoors: If you notice, literally everything in Weakness happens indoors, except for the bits where Haruka is floating in water. Even the forest has floorboards, except for a single scene. The opposite also happens: we see kid Haruka out for a walk with his mom, but they're still inside the house, with the city just being images on the wall. Meanwhile, the mindscape in MeMe shows a ruin (no walls) on an endlessly extending sea and sky (natural-ish settings), but it also reflects the structure of Mikoto's house. So is it inside or outside? Looking at the shoes, both Mikoto and younger Haruka are dressed as though they're outside, but older Haruka is wearing slippers.

Reflections not matching "reality": Note how neither Mikoto nor the coffee table show up in the water in the second image, or how the paintings go from having no reflection to having each other's reflection, with those facing the wrong way. The fourth and fifth images are also an interesting example of the reflections not even matching each other, even though the timing and framing suggest we're still looking at the same scene.

[nicktremblaywayfu]

A Holy Dawn Blessing (18+)

Author Note :  A doctor once told me that a dream is window to the multiverse of ourselves so after a series of lucid dreams, sleep paralysis, and being choked by a ghost i wrote this smut drabble right after i woke up because one of my variants was being fucked by Arthur. I wish I was lying about being choked by a ghost and getting a headache afterwards. I truly wish. ANYWAY-

Pairing : Arthur Harrow x AFAB! Reader (18+)

Tags and Warning : Heavy dubcon, lost of virginity, breeding kink

Available on Ao3 as well

—

You hate the way the skin and flesh of his girth rub against the edge of your hole. You hate how loud the loud squelching noises thanks to the pace of his thrust. You hate how his growls and your whimper being the music in the room. You wish you could’ve just slept and woke up thinking this was all a nightmare.

“See ? That wasn’t so bad, was it ?” He whispered his words with a warm, almost hot breath right behind your ear. You puled as one his hand, grabbed your breast. squishing it with a rhythm as well playing with the nip. His hand was rough, just like how men’s hands look like in their fifties. And it cupped your breast perfectly like a matching puzzle.

You did not answer him, still trying to fight with the idea that your brain is the only one that disagreed with this. Your pussy craved his dick like a hungry woman being fed of bread, your clit feeling relieved after a long time not being stimulated, your folds keep making itself wet to make this cultist man easier jabbing his cock in a hard, almost harsh motion.

He was a cultist man, that was true. At least that’s how you saw him. You kept seeing him in your workplace, standing with his walking cane. Whenever you caught him staring at you, he would give you a smile and a nod rather than averting his gaze trying to cover it up. Like he wanted to be seen, to make you know that he was there to see you.

You only talked to him once. You let him speak to you, perhaps he wanted to tell you something. Maybe he was just a nice old man that missed someone that was somehow similar to you. Maybe his relative, maybe his dead daughter, maybe his wife that long gone left him or finally resting in peace. He introduced himself, and told you to call him “Arthur”, not wanting to give a formality by calling his surname. Anyone who saw him talking to you may think of a warm man that was charming and perhaps loved to hang out in the park feeding those pigeons.

But he talked about something strange, something about his fate and an Egyptian creature he worshiped as a goddess. Something about you being the chosen one and wanting you to go to his community, and see it as your home. You being a normal person definitely freaked out. Yet the security guard was nothing but best at adding burden, telling you that he’s a harmless old man. So you asked your boss if you can go home early for several reasons, which she surprisingly allowed you without further questions.

Hoping that it would save you from that creepy man, comin home turned out only making matters worse. The last thing you knew was that it was 4 am, hearing a noise outside your room. You being half-awake, thinking that it was probably a mouse sneaked out and looking for a snack. 

The time you realize it was the sound of footsteps and your door being opened, it was too late. A stranger covered your mouth, muffling your scream as he held both of your hands in a handcuff. He shushed you in a familiar voice, and when you turned, it was the same man that was called Arthur, giving you a smirk and chuckled as he got his legs on the same bed you were sleeping on.

You regret the fact that your pyjamas were just an oversized t-shirt, bare thigh as your private area was just covered with your underwear. The lingering ghostly touch when he caressed your thighs and lifted one of it up to the air, and the rest of it was what’s happening to you now.

“You like that, aren’t you ? I can tell because of how wet you are for me.” He lifted your thigh higher, giving him more room. He caressed it as well, leaving red marks from the way he grasped the skin and flesh.

“If you truly hate it, you should scream right now. Yet here we are, listening to your beautiful voice as I am inside of you. This was your first time, was it ? I can tell as I feel the purity inside.” He spoke like he was preaching, then a bite planted on the crook of your neck. You swore to god that your short scream only made his cock as hard as a wood.

You were conflicted actually, your body telling him to keep continuing yet your brain being the opposite. Like protesting, your hole keeps producing slick fluid to the point it is leaking to your thigh a bit.

“So wet, so tight, so young. Perfect. I am grateful that I am the one destined to have this honor. Had the women of my people known, they would have envied you to the bottom of duat. “ He let go of your breast, only for him to choke your neck. The other hand that was lifting your thigh moved to your clit, giving extra stimulation.

You couldn’t say anything, drowned in this lust. Mind started to be clouded while your eyes felt like you were seeing stars. Tongue’s out as his fingers pressed your neck hard, that if he moved a bit he would completely cut off your air flow. He continued to stuff you up with his cock that completely stretched your pussy thanks to the size, growling and groaning as you were whimpering and crying. Tightening his grasp as well fastening his pace, he’s ready to come all inside of you. And he did, squirting his seed inside your canal claiming you as his yokemate.

He breathed in relief, like he was always craving this. Unlocking the handcuff, he left you limped with his cum leaking from your hole.

“I will see you again someday. And you don’t have to worry about what I planted inside you. Soon as it finally grows, you know where to find me.” He kissed your hair then went away as closing the door gently, leaving you there with options ended up accepting your fate,

—

[pocket-luv101]

Complicating Factors

Fandom: Genshin Impact Ship: Cynonari

Summary: Cyno wants to visit Tighnari but a strange mechanical crab won’t allow him close to him.

Tighnari preferred to research plants in the wilderness of Avidya Forest over going to the Akademiya. The quiet and quaint atmosphere allowed him to concentrate better. However, he would occasionally visit Pardis Dhyai and their garden. He had spent countless hours in their greenhouse when he was a student and it felt nostalgic to return. After he became a Forest Ranger, he didn’t have the time to visit as he used to.

A mechanical buzz echoed throughout the greenhouse. The sound of metal clanging together was background noise to him even though he had sensitive ears. He became accustomed to Karkata hovering next to him as he observed the plants. Tighnari didn’t look up from the flowers in front of him but he reached up to pat Karkata’s head. He decided to adopt the mechanical crab as his research assistant.

“Karkata, can you bring me the growth chart of this mushro—” Tighnahi’s words were interrupted by a sharp gasp when he was suddenly embraced from behind. At first, he was surprised and confused because he was the only person in the greenhouse. He quickly recognized who hugged him from the way his strong arms felt around him.

“It’s not often that I can sneak up on you like this, Tighnari.” Cyno whispered into his ear. He kissed his cheek and then he nestled his face against his neck. In their position, Tighnari wasn’t able to see his face yet he could easily picture the smirk he wore. “Have your skills become dull while you’re studying in your forest? I can spar with you for practise.”

Cyno felt a sharp jab against his hip. He instinctively hugged Tighnari tighter against his chest to protect him. He realized that they weren’t being attacked and the pressure was from Karkata. Karkata forced Cyno away from Tighnari and then placed itself between them. The mechanical crab could only communicate through buzzing and beeps so Cyno wasn’t able to understand it. However, it became clear to him that Karkata distrusted him.

“Behave yourself, Karkata. The staff agreed to let you live here but they’ll change their fickle minds the moment you cause trouble for them.” Tighnari lightly chastised the robot. While Karkata nodded and stepped back from Cyno, it still appeared wary. “Cyno was the Matra who approved your application to become my research assistant. You can trust him.”

After Tighnari discovered Abattouy’s lab within the forest, he recovered as much of his work as he could. Researching mechanical life forms was banned and the Akademiya would’ve destroyed Abattouy’s life work if they knew. He couldn’t allow a fellow researcher’s effort and passion to be thrown away so heartlessly. He repaired Karkata and asked Cyno to help him. They arranged for Karkata to live in Pardis Dhyai with the lie that it would make daily reports about the mushrooms he planted.

“I agreed to sign your report because you said the machine was harmless. Are you certain?” Cyno’s eyes narrowed as he studied the machine. Usually, he wouldn’t question Tighnari’s judgement because he knew how intelligent he was. There were a few things about Karkata that worried him though. Aspects of the machine’s design were similar to ancient runes found in the desert.

“His blueprints don’t include missiles or elemental energy. I didn’t decide to make Karkata my research assistant on a whim. I thought about it extensively.” Tighnari wanted to reassure Cyno but his tone was sharper than he intended. He felt a little hurt that Cyno didn’t trust him. “Karkata is merely a little protective of me after he lost his creator.”

“I’ve seen ruin guards with consciousness in the desert. A living machine who can form their own thoughts can be unpredictable and dangerous. What if something happens and it decides you’re a threat? I know you, Tighnari. You’re too stubborn and sentimental to stop Karkata in an event like that.” Cyno touched his cheek. He couldn’t imagine what he would do if Tighnari was hurt while he was miles away in the desert. “It’s my duty to protect you.”

Beside them, Karkata’s made a low buzzing sound and its internal gears creaked threateningly. Tighnari pulled away from Cyno and he placed his hand on Karkata’s head to calm the creature. “Cyno, you should go for now. We’ll finish this conversation tomorrow. Don’t expect me to change my mind about Karkata in that time though.”

Cyno sat at the base of the hill underneath Pardis Dhyai. He decided to wait for Tighnari outside of the gardens so he could walk him back to the rainforest. They weren’t able to visit each other often and he didn’t want to end their meeting with an argument. He wondered if they could come to a compromise about Karkata. Tighnari was earnest and resolute to a fault. However, those were also traits he adored and respected about him.

The sky had grown dark but Tighnari hadn’t left the greenhouse yet. Cyno worried that something had happened to him or Karkata. He stopped himself from walking back to the garden. He would’ve heard signs of a struggle if Karkata had attacked someone. Tighnari was also a skilled Forest Watcher. Despite those logical thoughts, a part of him would always worry about the man he loved.

Footsteps against stone caused Cyno to glance up towards the gazebo at the top of the hill. While it was dark, he could see Tighnari’s silhouette from his tall ears. Karkata was next to him. Neither appeared to notice that he was standing mere feet underneath them. Cyno debated whether he should call out to them when it was clear the robot distrusted him.

“I have to return to the forest soon. Remember to hide yourself when researchers and the matra visit.” Tighnari told Karkata. He sat on the bench and he stared at the vast view in front of them. The pale moon made him think of Cyno and his hair. “There is one matra you can trust. Cyno will keep his promise to protect you.”

Karkata rumbled in answer and its shell dropped slightly as if it were pouting. The way it was able to emote and express its thoughts fascinated Tighnari. He wished he was able to bring it back with him but he would be too busy to care for it properly. The staff at Pardis Dhyai could maintain its mechanical parts and give it a good home.

“Cyno’s an honourable man and far too intelligent for the Akademiya. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if he were anything less. This is a secret but I like his jokes. They’re not funny but they have his unique, earnest charm. Don’t tell him I said that because it will only encourage him to make more terrible jokes while I’m trying to focus on my research.”

His words made Cyno’s heart jump slightly because he rarely voiced his feelings for him so openly. Cyno stepped out from beneath the cliff so he could see Tighnari better. Despite the dim moonlight, he was able to see his smile. He leaned against Karkata and petted its head as if it were a large dog rather than a machine.

“You shouldn’t judge Cyno from your first impression. Most people are intimidated by him but he’s kind and gentle. You only need to worry if you’ve broken a law. When we were students in the Akademiya, he thought I wanted to start a coupe. He followed me for a few days to investigate but I could always hear him. One time, he tried to follow me into the greenhouse and fell into flowers that paralysed him. I treated him.” Tighnari chuckled to himself as he recalled the memory and warm nostalgia filled his heart.

He told Karkata stories of Cyno and their time together so he would trust him. “He studied ancient gods and ruins. When we graduated, I thought we would explore the world together and discover the secrets of the past. He decided to join the Matra. We had a fight over it because I don’t agree with the Akademiya. He thinks he can change things from the inside.”

Cyno still remembered that fight vividly and the lingering sadness in Tighnari’s voice stabbed his heart. He couldn’t bear to hear him sad and began to climb the hill. He intended to embrace and comfort him. He paused at the top of the hill when Tighnari continued.

“If anyone can change the Akademiya, it’s Cyno. I’m grateful that he’s the General Mahamatra rather than one of those arrogant sages. Cyno lets me get away with a lot.” Tighnari said with a small chuckle. They both had similar values concerning the Akademiya but they took different paths to change the system. “Everything he said this morning… I hope he said it as my boyfriend and not General Mahamatra.”

“The spores from this flower are difficult to collect. However, if we adopt a technique similar to bees, we may be able to extract more. Karkata, can you pass me the… Where did that robot go?” Tighnari had been engrossed in his research and he hadn’t noticed that Karkata had left the greenhouse. He stood from his desk and searched the garden for him. Karkata usually clung to his side whenever he visited Pardis Dhyai so he wondered what would’ve made it leave.

Tighnari found Karkata standing at the entrance of the greenhouse. It jumped in excitement when it spotted him and circled him. Karkata stopped behind him and lightly pushed him forward. While he didn’t know where it intended to take him, he decided to humour it. “We can take a short walk around the garden but then we have to focus on my research, Karkata. I don’t know what has gotten into you. You’re always excited to help with experiments.”

Karkata didn’t bring him to the path they usually took through the garden and that made Tighnari more curious. They walked down the stairs to the clearing beneath Pardis Dhyai. Waiting for them, Cyno sat in a field of flowers with a basket next to him. The sight made Tighnari smile softly and he walked to greet him. To his surprise, Karkata scurried to Cyno as well and reached him first.

“You did a good job, Karkata. Here’s the Nilotpala Lotus that I promised you.” Cyno handed the flower to Karkata. Tighnari watched them interact and they appeared closer compared to their first meeting. A week had passed since that day and he didn’t think they would become friends so quickly.

Before he could question them, Cyno took Tighnari’s hand and pulled him onto his lap. Cyno grinned down at him and Tighnari forgot his questions when he looked into his red eyes. They had known each other for years yet he still had the ability to make his heart race. Tighnari turned away to hide his blush and said, “I was in the middle of research.”

“It’s almost lunch and I thought you’ll be hungry. You have a tendency to forget to eat when you’re doing experiments. I told Karkata to bring you to my little picnic. The robot is surprisingly easy to train once I learned what it wanted.” Cyno took another lotus from the pile next to him and placed it in Tighnari’s hair. “I’ve been visiting Karkata every night to train him.”

“You turned my research assistant into your wingman to kidnap me away from my work?” Tighnari was caught between feeling surprised and impressed by Cyno. He leaned his head against his shoulder and asked, “Was that the only reason you visited Karkata at night? Do you still think he’s dangerous?”

“If you trust Karkata, then I will too. I only wanted to be certain that he wouldn’t hurt you. It’s my duty to protect you.” He repeated the same words he did before. Then, Cyno added: “As your boyfriend. Let’s enjoy our picnic now.”

[vlyteng]

Beauty standards and its relation to racism and colourism

I am a film junkie and I adore Japanese films. My love for Japanese films started when I watched a specific movie, which just so happens to be one of the most breathtaking films I’ve ever watched in my life - Helter Skelter. Helter Skelter is a movie that tells the story of a famous actress, Lilico, who has had several cosmetic procedures over her body. Lilico makes life terrible for people around her as she struggles to manage both her professional and personal issues as a result of the adverse effects of her surgery (Letterboxd 2012). It is based on a manga that Kyoko Okazaki wrote and released between 1995 and 1996 (Cherif 2022). The message of the movie is made clear to be depicting the extent we can go to achieve what we deem as "perfect beauty", but how it can lead to an unhealthy obsession with our physical appearance. Throughout the film, the audience will witness Lilico’s fall into an endless, abyssal spiral of depression as she tries to fix the side effects of surgery with, well, even more surgery.

Beauty standards in every culture look different. In the West, the hourglass figure (otherwise known as “slim thicc”) is the goal! Some features that are commonly celebrated and strived for in Western countries are light-coloured eyes, blonde hair, pale skin and small noses. The beauty standard in Asia also has a similar standard but skinny is what most people go for. Obviously, Asians do not have the same genetics as Westerners. If someone frequently consumes beauty content from Western culture, they may be influenced to change their features in some way in order to fit what they think is the “standard of beauty”. Some may think beauty standards are merely just guidelines for people to follow to be seen as more attractive, but I think it goes much deeper than that.

I believe beauty standards are built on the foundation of racism and colourism, discrimination or prejudice towards those with dark complexion. You might think it’s a stretch but hear me out. A good example of this is when we discuss skin tones. Have you ever thought to yourself “Man, my skin is so dark” or “Man, I wish I had a more pale complexion”? Why are we so scared of getting a little tan from the sun? Why do we immediately deem darker skin = undesirable? As a Chinese, why are bigger eyes and double eyelids more adored than mono or hooded lids despite it being the most common outcome for our ethnicity? All these questions point to an underlying distorted perception that we were taught since young and continue to experience in our daily lives. They take the form of seemingly harmless little statements, like when the aunt that nobody likes asks you if you’re going to keep eating those pineapple tarts during Chinese New Year, or when your beautician mentions how perfect you’d look if you just got a little nose lift during your monthly visit to the beauty salon.

All in all, there is no such thing as “perfect beauty” as the definition of it is so different for every single person, everyone has their own version of beauty. Aiming to achieve it is unrealistic and will not only cost you millions of dollars, but also endless amounts of mental strain. I understand that it is easy to fall into the rabbit hole that is insecurity and anxiety over appearances and our bodies. But something I truly believe is that without our body, no matter what it looks like, we will not exist. Your body is constantly trying to take care of itself and we should be grateful for having two arms and two legs, functioning ears and nose, eyes to see the world and a mouth to taste Kyochon fried chicken (yes, I am craving it as I am writing this). To end this, I’d like to dedicate a poem I wrote for an e-book about self-acceptance and to love our body because it is trying its best to keep us alive every day. 

Don't be angry with your body Your arms lift the weight of responsibilities Your legs walk you through life Your eyes see the beauty behind the ugly Your stomach houses butterflies that make you feel alive Your nose lets you smell that wonderful apple pie that you love Your body has been through everything with you it does not deserve your hatred and your anger. - S. Z Tao

References

Cherif, M. C 2022, The Dark Side of Beauty Standards in Helter Skelter: A semiotic analysis, The Artifice, viewed 8 June 2023, <https://the-artifice.com/helter-skelter/>.

Letterboxd 2012, Helter Skelter, Letterboxd, viewed 7 June 2023, <https://letterboxd.com/film/helter-skelter-2012/>.